#evidence of what was discussed the other night re: [probably bathrooms / dressing rooms that are Gendered if you're; say; a nonbinary actor

[unproduciblesmackdown]

a delightful behind-the-scenes backstage the mysteries vlog

at all of 18 seconds in: "that's asia" & a glimpse at their look pre-show, ft. angel-style silvery metallic makeup that so far otherwise is maybe only seen similarly here

then they manifest in a doorway at the 2:47 mark with a "heyyy therrre :)" ("asia again") and it sounds like we can overhear them talking from the adjacent room leading up to that

and they walk through the shot at 7:00, which is a lovely feature of their mid-show costume

[pitubea1910]

“Kiss me again”

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Featuring: Peter Parker 

Words: 2k

Warning: -

Tags: -

Request: -

Notes: I could do a second part of this if you’re interested :) Feedback is appreciated!

Masterlist

You just couldn’t stop thinking about it and how much you wanted it to happen again.

***

You were in the middle of a mission. Fury had decided that you and Steve were the best ones for the job. In his opinion, Steve was the one with the ‘kindest’ face so no one would suspect him. And you, being the latest addition to the team, wouldn’t stand out. It would just look like the Captain had decided to introduce you to some of the most important personalities of New York.

However, according to the mission, your presence at the governor’s re-election party was just a cover that would allow you to sneak around the mansion to retrieve some important files that had evidence of the government being ‘in bed’ with Hydra. Piece of cake, right?

So, there you were, in the Dior dress Tony had managed to get for you and wearing the most uncomfortable heels you had ever tried. You couldn’t understand why someone would waste thousands of dollars on this murderer weapons. Your feet were killing you and all you could think about was how nice your usual combat boots were.

“Smile”, Steve said in your ear when he approached you with a glass of champagne. “You look like you’re about the kill someone.”

“You would look like that as well if you were wearing these heels”, you said, but forced a smile on your face anyway. “Can’t we just get to the point?”

“We have just arrived”, he said looking around. “We have to make some conversation, blend in, so no one notices when we go upstairs.”

“I still don’t know why Natasha didn’t come”, you sighed. “She’s way better at these things than I am.”

“Think of it as training”, he said, waving at a man you thought you had seen on TV at some point. “Not everything is fighting, running and knocking people out.”

“That would be too beautiful to be true”, you sighed, making him laugh.

“No wonder you and Bucky get along so easily”, he commented. “He would rather die than coming to one of these events.”

“I can’t blame him”, you shrugged and sipped some of the champagne. At least it was delicious.

But you couldn’t drink too much. You had to stay sober long enough to carry your mission out. Once the job was done, you could get as wasted as you liked.

“Watch out”, Steve said, placing a hand on your back to call your attention. “The Governor is coming. He probably wants to meet you.”

“Why me?” You asked as you saw the man whose file you had memorised approach.

“You’re an Avenger, remember?” He said as a polite and friendly smile appeared on his face. It made you wonder how many parties of this kind he had attended to.

“Captain America”, the governor said with a huge smile on his face as he shook Steve’s hand vigorously. “Such a pleasure to have you here tonight, Rogers.”

“It is my pleasure, sir”, Steve nodded before turning to you. “May I introduce you (Y/N) (Y/L/N)? The newest addition to our team”, he said.

“I wonder where do you all come from”, Cuomo said as he shook your hand. He had a firm grip. “A pleasure to meet you.”

“The pleasure is all mine, sir”, you said with a polite nod.

“It’s only you two today?” The governor asked.

“I’m afraid so”, Steve said. “The rest of the team had other business to attend to.”

“Avenging never ends, right?” Cuomo smiled. “Well, it was a pleasure to see you. I have to say hello to so many people. Enjoy your night and I’ll talk to you later. I would like to discuss some ideas I talked about with the Secretary.”

“Absolutely”, Steve smiled.

“Lovely to meet you, (Y/L/N)”, the governor said before walking away.

You let out a sigh and took another sip of the champagne.

“What do you think?” Steve asked, moving to stand in front of you.

“Not as bad as I thought”, you shrugged, following the governor with your eyes. “What do you think he wants to talk about?”

“Don’t worry about that”, Steve shrugged it off. “He just likes to brag about his relationship with Ross. His ideas are usually bullshit.”

“But you have to keep him happy”, you said.

“You’re learning”, Steve smiled. “Okay, listen to me. We’ll walk around for like half an hour and then we will meet at the staircase. If someone asks-“

“I’m going to the bathroom”, you said. “I know what I have to do, Rogers”, you said with a wink before walking away.

If you had turned around just once, you would have seen Steve’s smile as he saw you walking away from him.

For the next thirty minutes, you did as Natasha had told you the night before. Made small talk, smile, be a bit of a flirt but not enough to have someone fall for it, laugh without making it look like you’re sucking up. Just be the perfect guest. However, you were extremely relief when you saw Steve by the stairs, waiting for you.

You excused yourself, saying you were going to the bathroom, and walked towards him. He was looking down at his phone, probably checking the time you two had. Just when you were a couple of feet away, he looked up and smiled as he saw you.

“Just in time”, he said.

“I’m British, remember?” You said with a smile. “Let’s do this.”

With a nod, he let you walk in front of him and placed a hand at the bottom of your back while you two walked upstairs. Casually, you looked around to make sure no one was looking at you two, and everyone seemed to focus on their own conversations to pay attention to the two people going upstairs.

“According to the blueprints”, Steve said as you reached the first floor and turned to the right, ignoring the ‘Off Limits’ sign that security had placed there. “Cuomo’s office is down this corridor and to the left. You go first and check the security while I connect the coms so Peter can hack the security.”

“I can’t believe we’re trusting a 16 years old boy with the hacking of the security”, you said like you had done a million times before.

“Tony couldn’t believe they were trusting you to come to this mission”, Steve shrugged.

“What?” You frowned and looked at him. You didn’t know about that. “Tony didn’t trust me?”

“He just said that you weren’t ready yet for an undercover mission. That’s all”, Steve quickly explained. “If you want, you can have a word with him later when we’re finished.”

You sighed and nodded. Steve was right. You couldn’t let anything get to you at that moment. You had to be focused. Although you had to admit it was a bit painful to know that Tony –the one who had recommended you for the team and had tracked you down to London- didn’t think you were ready.

Without further word, you made your way down the corridor, paying attention to any noise around you. But all the noise you could hear was the one from the party downstairs. It looked like no one was around. When you got to the corner, you stopped and peaked around it. You could spot the door of the office at the end of it. Everything was quiet. No one was around.

“Clear?” You heard Steve’s voice in your ear, making you jump a little bit when the coms were suddenly connected.

“Clear”, you said.

“On my way. Parker, how you doing?” Steve asked.

“Almost done, Captain”, the kid said. “I just have to get through the last firewall and you’ll be set.”

“How much time do you need?” You asked.

“A minute”, he said.

“Make it faster”, Steve said at the same time he reached where you were.

“Yes ma’am”, Peter said.

“And don’t call me ma’am”, you rolled your eyes, making Steve smile.

Just then, you heard a door opening in the same corridor where the office was. You opened your eyes widely and looked carefully. It was the governor’s own personal bodyguard.

“What the fuck is he doing up here? Why isn’t he with the governor?” Steve asked.

“The question is what we’re going to say when he sees us. The bathroom is at the other end of the corridor”, you said. “Damn it.”

You could hear the footsteps getting closer as you looked around. There was no hiding place. You could use the getting lost excuse, but it was quite useless when you were in a mansion full of signs telling you where you could go and what was off limits.

You looked at Steve, who looked as he was getting ready to fight. That was a mistake. Everyone knew who you were and there was no way you could just walk out freely if you beat the head of the governor’s security. There had to be something else you could do. And suddenly, you knew what that was.

“Kiss me”, you said grabbing Steve’s hand.

“What?” He said surprised.

“Just kiss me, for fuck’s sake.”

Before he had time to protest, you pull him by his neck and kissed him. At first, he didn’t kiss you back, but then he closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around your waist, kissing you back and taking control of the situation. One of his hands moved up to your hair as he pulled you closer.

“What is this?”

You two pulled away, your face completely blushed, and looked at the bodyguard. When he saw who you two were, a grin appeared on his face.

“Sorry, Captain”, he said. “Didn’t mean to interrupt.”

With a nod, he kept on walking away, like he had seen nothing. You felt Steve’s eyes on you, although you couldn’t manage to look up. You bite your lip and took a deep breath.

“That was intense”, you heard Peter say in the coms.

***

Having a crush on Steve Rogers was something that happened to everyone. He was kind, loyal, funny, caring and, of course, way too handsome for this world, but you had never thought it could be more than a crush. Until now.

It had been a week since that happened. The mission was successful. You had managed to retrieve the data that you needed and go back to the party to blend in. However, you weren’t able to focus for the rest of the night, and neither for the rest of the week.

Every time you crossed paths with Steve, you blushed like you were a teenager. When you were in the same room, you avoided eye contact. You hadn’t talked about it, he hadn’t brought it up and the only person who knew about it –Peter- had said nothing, which was surprising.

Yet, you couldn’t stop thinking about. All you could do was remember the feeling of his lips against yours. How soft and warm they were, the way he held you against him, his body against yours. It was driving you crazy. Even sleeping was becoming harder.

There you were, lying awake at 3 in the morning, picturing those blue eyes over and over again, that smile and those lips. Maybe if you kissed him again, it would go away. Maybe that was all you needed and you could go back to normal. Maybe it was just a brief infatuation that would go away with another brief kiss.

Yes, that was probably the solution.

You kicked the sheets off and got out of bed. Without even bothering on putting on some shorts and wearing only the long t-shirt you used to sleep, you walked out of your room and went to Steve’s as silent as possible. You didn’t want to wake anyone up and get asked questions you didn’t know how to answer.

Luckily, Steve’s room wasn’t far from yours and soon you were softly knocking on his door. Even if he didn’t hear it, you knew F.R.I.D.A.Y would wake him up if you asked her to. That wasn’t necessary. A wide awake Steve opened the door and looked at you surprised.

“(Y/N)?” He asked. Without saying anything, you walked in. “Everything okay?” He asked when he closed the door. “It’s 3 in the morning”, he said.

“Yeah, I know”, you said fidgeting with the necklace you always wore. “I can’t sleep.”

“What’s wrong?” He asked frowning and walking over to you, obviously worried.

“Kiss me again”, you said straight away.

Steve stopped walking and stood there in the middle of the room, looking at you like you had just taken off your clothes. To be honest, it felt like that.

“Excuse me?”

“I…” you closed your eyes and took a deep breath. “I can’t stop thinking about it. About… our kiss. Every minute of every day. Every time I look at you, I feel your lips and your body and when I close them, you’re there too. I don’t know…” you sighed. “I need you to kiss me again, Steve. I think it’s the only way I can get over this.”

“Over what exactly?” He asked, crossing his arms.

“Over whatever feelings I have for you.”

Now that you were saying out loud, you realised how stupid it sounded. How kissing him was supposed to be helpful? It would probably have the opposite effect. And yet, there you were, asking him to kiss you. There was no going back now, so you might as well keep on going with your dumb idea.

“You have feelings for me?” Steve asked, a hint of smile appearing on his face.

“Can you please stop repeating what I say?” You said frustrated. Steve chuckled a little bit and walked over to you, placing a hand on your cheek.

“I can kiss you. I actually have been thinking about that too the last days”, he admitted, taking you by surprise. “But I really don’t think it’s going to work.”

“Why not?” You frowned, allowing yourself to get lost in his eyes.

“Just a hunch”, he shrugged. “So?”

You looked from his eyes to his mouth and then back up again. Now you needed his kiss. You wouldn’t be able to go away without it after being this close to him, after feeling his breath on your face.

“Kiss me”, you said for the third time.

“As you wish”, he said in whisper before leaning down to kiss you.

It was even better than you remembered. And as soon as his lips touched yours, you knew he was right. It wasn’t going to work, it had been a stupid idea. You needed more. This kiss wasn’t going to be enough, you were going to want more. More kisses, more touches, more of him. And you didn’t know what to do about it.

[a-splash-of-stucky]

I Know This Game | Four

Pairings: Bucky x Foster!Reader || Loki x Foster!Reader

Summary: You have some more epiphanies, after making some unpleasant discoveries.

Warnings: Language, sexting (mentions of). A N G S T

Notes: I didn’t really know what I was doing with myself for the second half of this part, so apologies if it’s a bit abstract and weird.

IKTG Masterlist

He’ll never stay, they never do

You go to Loki’s dresser to pull out one of his shirts and a pair of his boxers to wear as your pyjamas for the night. You don’t often stay over at his place, as you like to arrive at your office fairly early in the morning to squeeze in some paperwork, or prep yourself for the clients you’ll be seeing during the day. Because you don’t typically spend the night, you only have your bare essentials here — a toothbrush, some makeup wipes, your medication, things like that. Hence the need to borrow his clothes, although Loki’s penchant for buying particularly soft t-shirts may also contribute to that.

After slipping on your borrowed sleepwear, you head over to your side of the bed, feeling utterly exhausted after a long day at work and ready for sleep. You’re already cozied up under the covers when you remember that you’re supposed to be heading into your office tomorrow morning, as you have a rescheduled appointment with one of your patients. You’d need to get up pretty early, in order to have enough time to nip home and change into fresh work clothes. You look around the room for your purse, intending to retrieve your phone and set an alarm, before groaning frustratedly when you realise that you’ve left it in the living room.

“Loki?” you call, raising your voice so that he can hear you over the pitter-patter of the shower.

“Yeah, babe?” he replies, voice sounding a little echoey as it bounces off the tiled walls.

“Can I use your phone to set an alarm?”

“Sure, go ahead,’.

Loki’s phone is charging on his nightstand, so you roll over to the other side of the bed to get it. You hit the button on the side to turn it on, then punch in his password.

He’d left his last app open and running, so it’s the first thing you see when his phone unlocks. It’s a messaging app. You’re about to press the home button, not wanting to pry into the private conversations he has with his friends, when the last few messages catch your eye.

SC: We still on for this Monday, right babe?

LL: Yeah. Gf says she’s got clients the whole day.

SC: Sweet!! Can’t wait to see u xx

You wonder who the fuck this SC person is. And, more importantly, why they’re calling him ‘babe’. Surely that’s a pet name used more commonly between people who are…friendly with each other? The person talks like a woman, but you know better than to jump to conclusions so early.

Your gaze flickers over to the closed bathroom door. The shower is still running and, knowing Loki as you do, you estimate that he’ll probably stay in there for a good five minutes before coming out. You don’t want to snoop — you’ve never been that type of girlfriend — but something about the tone of these messages is making alarm bells ring shrilly in the back your head.

Another glance over those three messages only serves to heighten your unease. You have no problem with Loki spending extended amounts of time with his friends, but something about this seems shady and suspicious. You’d like more information, but are reluctant to stick your nose into his private affairs.

You chew your bottom lip, deliberating over your little dilemma. Surely it can’t hurt to have a quick peek? But then again, you want to trust him. Relationships can’t function without trust, right? You desperately want to think the best of him, but the teasing, flirtatious undertone in those three short messages have created a yawning hole in the pit of your stomach that you just can’t fill with any amount of reason. Hopefully, you’re just overreacting, and reading too much into something otherwise insignificant. You pray that this is not what you think you is, but your gut instinct is telling you otherwise.

You register the time stamp at the corner of each text box. The brief exchange was made about an hour ago, so you would’ve been at his place at the time. What the hell was Loki doing, messaging another girl with you around?

Okay, maybe that thought was a little self-centred and dramatic.

You try to recall what the two of you had been doing at the time. It’s a difficult challenge — given the fact that your mind has been wandering off and focusing on other things this entire evening — but to the best of your memory, you think that you and Loki were probably chilling in front of the TV and having dinner.

The penny drops.

You remember telling Loki about your upcoming week at work, and mentioning something about having back-to-back sessions on Monday. His phone was in his hand at the time, so he probably sent it then. That in and of itself is not incriminating evidence, you rationalise. There’s nothing wrong with him texting or messaging other people whilst in your presence — in fact, he’s completely entitled to do so — but the whole situation just seems a little too sketchy for your liking.

Your thumb hovers over the screen as you hesitate. Do you really want to scroll up and read the rest of these messages? What if you don’t like what you see? What would Loki think if he came out and caught you snooping around his phone? Millions of questions race through your mind. Though you doubt yourself and second-guess your actions, you can’t deny the uneasiness gnawing at your stomach.

You scroll upwards.

You make several discoveries.

You find out that ‘SC’ stands for Sharon Carter. From the ease of conversation, it’s clear that Loki has known her for a long time. The playful banter being traded back and forth indicates a casual familiarity between them, like they’re more than just friends from work, or something.

(There are other pieces of evidence to suggest that they’re far more than just friends, but you aren’t ready to process them, just yet).

They’ve been messaging each other almost every day, often multiple times a day. You think that in the last week alone, he’s spent more time chatting to her online than talking to you in person. To your dismay, you find several messages of a similar nature to the first few you saw. Nearly all the exchanges between them are flirtatious in tone, dripping with innuendo and highly, highlysuggestive. Sharon is apparently a big fan of the kissy face emoji. There are multiple discussions of plans to meet up, all tailored around your work schedule. You feel slightly nauseous, knowing that your boyfriend is making arrangements to see another girl behind your back. Admittedly, it’s not the first time that such a thing has happened to you, but past experience doesn’t make thisany better.

Nothing could prepare you for the pictures.

They’re revealing, to say the least, although ‘revealing’ could be interpreted in a couple of different ways, in this instance. It is perhaps more accurate to say that you uncover several highly explicit photos, taken with the clear purpose of teasing the other person. She’s sent Loki several pictures over the past few weeks — ranging from nude selfies, to shots in the mirror, to snaps of her in various stages of undress. You lose all hope when you learn that he’s responded in kind, sending her a number of scandalous pictures of himself over the past month.

It’s sickening to see.

The pictures are not, in fact, the worst of it. What’s more terrible — the thing that really makes you want to hurl — are the erotic and lewd messages that accompany them. They’re such a blatant proclamation of his infidelity, you wonder how you haven’t noticed any of the other signs before.

You sigh heavily. Of all the things to happen tonight, the universe just had to screw you over again.

You feel like your emotional wounds — barely healed from your time with Bucky — have now been re-opened, the stitches harshly yanked apart. Metaphorical blood spurts from the gashes.

With the bitter taste of bile in your throat and your heart threatening to thump its way out of your ribcage, you set Loki’s phone back down on the nightstand, proud at the way your hand remains so steady. Suddenly feeling very much awake, you get out of bed and pad around the room, collecting your discarded articles of clothing. You strip out of his shirt and boxers, feeling more than a little bit disgusted by the fact that they’ve touched your skin, and change into your rumpled work clothes.

Loki comes out of the shower just as you’re pulling on your shirt, a towel slung low on his waist and dripping wet hair plastered to his scalp. Rivulets of water meander down his sculpted torso. There was a time where looking at that gorgeous, toned body made you weak in the knees. Now, as your eyes drink in the sight, you feel strangely emotionless, indifferent to it all.

He’s confused when he sees that you’re dressed. “You’re not staying the night?” he asks.

You say nothing, avoiding his gaze as you do up the last few buttons on your shirt. Sensing your discontent, Loki timidly steps towards you. “We’re good…right? What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong?” you echo, keeping your tone cool and detached. “What’s wrong is the fact that you and Sharon have a thing going on that you forgot to mention to me,” you say, placing your hands on your hips and jutting your chin out defiantly, daring him to deny your accusation.

His face goes deathly white. “How did you—were you snooping through my phone?!”

You shrug nonchalantly. “I asked to borrow your phone to set an alarm, didn’t I? I open it, and guess what’s the first thing I see?”

Loki sighs in frustration, scrubbing one hand over his face vexedly, before stepping towards you. “Look, Y/N, this isn’t what you think it is,” he says, reaching to take hold of your hands.

Furious, you snatch them away, and cross your arms over your chest defensively. “Like hell it isn’t,” you snarl, “I read those messages—,”.

“You had no right to!” he protests, throwing his hands up in exasperation.

“Fine!” you exclaim, “Fine, I did something I shouldn’t have, I’ll accept that, but you—,”. You narrow your eyes and jab your index finger into his sternum, “I implore you tell me that what you did was less wrong than what I did,” you growl quietly, venom lacing your words.

Loki breathes deeply through his nose and presses his fingers to his temples. “Y/N, can we talk about this properly? In the morning?”

“We’re talking just fine, I think,” you spit, “Besides, it’s painfully clear to me what you want, and that is not me,”.

“Yeah?” he scoffs, levelling his gaze with yours so that you can see the barely-restrained rage in his eyes, “Well, you know what? No one would want you anyway, not with the way you’re obsessed with your precious Bucky,”.

Overcome by fury, fatigue and a whole host of other emotions, you crack the back of your hand across his cheek. Loki staggers back and clutches his fingers to the stinging skin, staring at you in disbelief. Your palm throbs, but it’s a kind of pain that makes you glower with pride.

“Don’t you dare speak about him like that,” you say sharply, your tone containing enough threat to make him take a step back. You step towards him and he pales even further, if that were possible. “Even at his worse, he’ll still be worth more than ten of you,”.

“See? Even after he breaks your heart, you still scurry after him like a lost puppy,”, Loki sneers, trying to look as intimidating as he can despite the fact that his cheek is still smarting. You see right through his facade, though; from the panic in his eyes, it’s clear that he is downright terrified of what you might be capable of.

“Stop making this about me!” you roar, getting right up in his space so that your words have the highest impact. He’s tall enough that you have to tip your head back to look at him when you’re this close, but you derive some twisted satisfaction when you see the flicker of fear in his expression. It pleases you no end to know that you can make a grown man cower under your gaze.

“How long have you been sleeping with her?” you ask quietly, voice coming out strangely calm and collected, betraying none of the sorrow clinging to your heart. Really, your tone is the exact opposite of what you feel like internally: a complete wreck, emotions descending into utter chaos.

“Look, Y/N, it’s nothing serious between Sharon and I—,”.

“No?” you interrupt, feigning surprise. “Sending each other nudes, and saying I love you or I miss you to each other every damn day, that isn’t serious? You do that with just friends, huh?”

He doesn’t have anything to say to that.

“I think I’ve seen enough,” you grit out, blinking your eyes rapidly to stop the sudden onset of tears from spilling out. You’re proud to have made it this far without falling to pieces, but know that your limits are being tested. Your tough-girl mask is seconds away from crumpling. “I’ll pack the things you’ve left at my place in a box and leave it at the front desk. Any of my things here, you can just throw away. Don’t call me, I don’t want to speak to you,”, you say briskly, adopting a business-like tone.

“Y/N,” Loki says desperately, sinking to his knees and trying, once again to take hold of your hands. You let him this time, but quirk an eyebrow up to signify your lack of amusement. “Y/N, please, please let me make it up to you,” he murmurs, green eyes searching your face for any hint of a possibility for redemption.

You school your face into a neutral expression. “I don’t know why you’re even trying to make things work with me,” you say, completely unaffected by his words or actions. “It’s clear to me that she’s the one you really want. I’m not even sad to see you go,”.

“Baby—,”.

“Goodbye, Loki,” you say curtly, “Have fun with Sharon. You deserve each other,”.

He nods dejectedly, recognising a lost cause when he sees one.

You take a page out of Maria’s book, turning sharply on your heel and striding confidently out the door. You make a quick detour to the living room to retrieve your heels and your purse, before grabbing your coat off the hook and leaving his house for the last time, feeling only the tiniest bit upset about it.

It’s not that late when you leave his building. A glance at your phone tells you that it’s just a little after nine. You should probably take a cab home, or maybe head over to the nearest subway station, but the night is clear, and you figure that taking a walk will probably do you some good. Loki’s place is not that far from the apartment you share with Wanda and Peggy anyway — it’s a journey that’d take just a bit under twenty minutes.

You walk at a brisk pace, hands shoved into your pockets and head bowed to the crisp night breeze. The rhythmic click-clack of your heels lulls your mind into reflecting about the crazy day you’ve had.

After several gruelling consultations, you’d received that infuriating email from Christine Everhart (aka world’s most notorious journalist-bitch). It had been a lovely surprise to receive a call from Jane afterwords, though. Talking to her had helped you to calm down somewhat, but seeing the boys in Bangkok on that news clip only served to bring a whole slew of memories front and centre in your mind. You’d hardly been able to stop thinking about Bucky this whole evening. Then there was the god-awful sex with Loki.

Your body shudders at the thought.

And now this? Discovering that your boyfriend has been cheating on you for who-knows-how-long? Yeah, the universe really does want to give you hell tonight. This whole day has left you more unsettled than you’ve been in a long time. All you want to do is go home, curl up in bed with a nice mug of tea and sleep for an eternity.

You’re in a pensive mood this evening, and the walk home provides you with the perfect opportunity to go back to examining your love life. The train of thought you were on at Loki’s place had been interrupted by the whole cheating episode, but now, amidst the hustle and bustle of the Brooklyn streets at night, you can finally go back to your musings.

And I, I know how to play I know this game It’s all the same

Your epiphany in Loki’s bathroom has given you a deeper understanding of your attitude towards love and relationships. Initially, you’d wondered whether your tendency to allow yourself to be ‘used’ by your partners was a result of your inner masochist deriving some perverted form of pleasure from being manipulated in that way. Now though, you’re more inclined to believe that you’re not so much willing to let yourself be trampled on, but rather, resigned to the fact that it’ll inevitably happen, because from your experience, that’s just part of the life cycle of a romantic partnership.

A couple is walking towards you, arms wrapped around each other’s waists, his head tilted in her direction. You see the smile flickering on his lips as he listens intently to whatever she’s saying. Watching them, you realise that that is what you love. You love the idea of love. You adore the so-called ‘honeymoon’ phase; being showered with gifts and attention, not being able to get enough of each other and of course, having a whole lot of sex. You get a thrill from playing the game of love, because every time you switch up the players, the game takes on a whole new dimension. It ensures that your life is constantly evolving.

What saddens you is the fact that although you enjoy playing the love game, you’re not actually that good at it, as evidenced by your string of failed relationships. The gambles that you take are never worth the risk, as they leave you feeling even more sorry for yourself than before you got into the relationship — a feat in and of itself.

You don’t know how to win at this game.

Maybe that’s because every time the players change, the rules change, so what you thought to be true in your last relationship may prove to be utterly false in your next one. Things are made even more difficult when the other player is a cheater, who doesn’t play by the supposedly ‘established’ rules at all. When they reveal their hand, you feel as if someone’s yanked the floor out from under your feet and left you flailing in midair.

When drops of rain start to fall from the sky, you turn up the collar of your coat and start to walk a little faster. You almost laugh out loud at how impeccable the timing is. The universe has literally decided to give you the perfect setting to complement your downcast mood.  

As you turn onto your street, you become conscious of the fact that your love life really is quite predictable.

You’ll find a guy you like in a bar, or maybe a coffee shop, give him your number, and schedule a date. The two of you will find a few things in common and you’ll feel mildly hopeful that this time, things’ll be different. Soon enough, you’ll engage in some hot and steamy sex, and a few weeks — or if you’re lucky, months — will pass whereby everything in your life is good, you’re happy with each other and you truly believe that this’ll work out.

Then, something will happen to burst your blissful bubble. More often than not, you’ll get cheated on; why do you have to end up with all the cheaters?

You chuckle mirthlessly. Even though you’ve been played so many times, you never seem to be able to spot the signs. In the aftermath of your loss, the power of hindsight will make all the signals glaringly obvious, and you’ll curse yourself for being such an idiot. Love really does make you blind, it seems.

The relationship will end in an unsurprising manner, usually with you confronting your boyfriend. The two of you will exchange some heated words, and then you’ll storm out the door. Textbook example: your break-up with Loki fifteen minutes ago. They always say the same thing, you realise, drawing more and more parallels between your past relationships. Why do they always say the same things? Usually, they’ll always include some version of “This isn’t what you think it is,” or “Just listen for a sec, okay?” and of course, your personal favourite, “Y/N, please don’t go,”.

You wince when you recall Bucky saying those exact words to you — how his bottom lip had wobbled and the corners of his eyes had brimmed with tears.

Bucky had been the one to break your trend.

You can’t help but think how different the rules were when you were playing this game with Bucky. Things had been a lot muddier then, your positions on the board far less clear because you had had a professional relationship with him before you took a leap of faith and decided to let him in romantically. Your relationship with him lasted far longer than any of your other ones ever had — you got well-past the honeymoon phase, settling down into a comfortable routine around each other. You’d ‘levelled up’ in the game of love, so to speak, and treading in this new territory was both exciting and nerve-wracking for you.

Maybe the fact that you let things get so far with Bucky was the reason why, when he pulled the floor out from underneath your feet, the fall was particularly hard. He’d taken you up so high, you’d lost sight of the ground. More importantly, you’d forgotten what it felt like to face-plant into it.

In the end, you muse, your break-up with Loki was to be expected. There was nothing new, or particularly novel about it. As you arrive at the main entrance of your building, you come to the same conclusion you made earlier, in Loki’s bathroom; all your relationships really are more similar than they are different. The features of the ending never change: heartbreak, regret and rejection, in addition to bucket after bucket of tears. True love really was only for Hollywood movies.

Even though Bucky had led you to believe otherwise.

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