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wordswilling · 10 months

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April 13, 2015. When do you start losing control? For me, I think it started just after I turned thirty. A week of fatigue grew into a feverish emergency room visit. The doctors said it wasn’t meningitis, and I only had to take a bunch of tylenol until the symptoms came down, but I would experience bouts of exhaustion sporadically over the next few years. My mind would just go blank for moments at a time. I would catch myself staring out a window and shake myself back into awareness. Did other people feel like this? I had never felt so detached from the steady roll of my conscious thoughts.

Is control a real thing or just a useful fiction we tell ourselves? I was never good at making things up, at least not things that could bear the weight of my growing, nagging dissatisfaction. Do we ever really “make believe”? It’s almost an oxymoron. If it is a construction we are actualizing in the present tense, then we are by nature accepting that it is not based on objective reality. I guess I never believed in objective reality, though. And what’s a fiction without a shared understanding of the world from which we can then make various leaps of faith?

asdf

#make believe #me #asdf #control #fiction #sickness #health #covid #except before covid #unless i made this up #zombie #most of my days lately have felt like nonfiction

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sarah-yyy · 3 months

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cannot believe i've been put on god's green earth to experience horrors

#emails i'm talking about emails #and clients in general #i've had an automatic message going all of last week because i had covid and it was Real Bad #(long story short - bossman's man flu was not man flu after all and i found out while hacking my lung out the weekend before)#like my ooo literally says i am on sick leave and not monitoring my emails and all the emails that i'm going through are:#hi sarah i know you're not well but can you make an exception for me for [thing that is not urgent]#OR even more infuriatingly :#hi sarah i sent you X emails but you have not replied can you reply to me asap #like...................???????#lord i can't be doing this for the next 30 years of my life and i think i've passed the mark where i can be a sugar baby WHAT ARE MY OPTION #sarah talks about herself #work stories

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realpontchartrain · 1 month

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So the three of us just had the official talk about all moving in together when Robbie and I finally buy a house, in front of James no less lmao

#000 #i hope when the three of us move he gets three other roommates who are faggier and weirder than we could ever dream of being lmao #i’m talking some neopronoun demisexual purple hair tumblr homestuck bitches!#but anyway — whether we plan on staying in Texas or buying a home in New Orleans or Massachusetts/Connecticut is up for debate #i mean i basically run this brothel i mean polycule so if i wanna move to New Orleans then we will lmao #Robbie wants to go back up north to be closer to school and his hometown #which… fair #i mean if we play our cards right we can buy multiple homes and everyone is happy #but my soul calls me back to New Orleans so that’s where we’re headed first tbh #i’d love to live in the french quarter but it’s nothing like it was before. gentrified to fuck and back lmao #i’d say another year in this boarding home and we’d have enough saved to buy it straight out #BUT. we’re also thinking about getting an apartment here in Dallas just to have our own space until then #but that’s like… a waste lmao #we’re comfortable here — despite having to put up with our roommates and all these kids running around #we have a good relationship with our house manager (except the one with cancer lmao) and we get three meals a day (most of the time at least #gosh this is a lot i’m ngl #im very intimidated by this but we technically closed in on a home before robbie’s job sent him to the gulag (siberia) and left him for dead #and my mom started pimping my ass out to make ends meet when covid fucked everyone over #oh man…

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opens-up-4-nobody · 9 months

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#man ive never seen an eating disorder kill someone else besides a parent infecting a child but my nana is really trying #shes like 1000% orthotexic. will not eat anything not filled with vegetables or fat. and my grandpa is 87yo with a heart condition currentl #in the hospital for covid bc thry went to Christmas church and dont believe in being vaccinated and my dad is so frustrated #bc he knows his mom is not gonna give his dad hearty foods. he needs to eat like protein shakes and meat and ice cream. anything thats not #her cooking which sucks on top of being extremely healthy. except its not healthy bc they dont eat a balanced diet #so its my nanas eating disorder killing her husband and shes so fucking frustrating. im like 99% sure she has obsessive compulsive #personally disorder bc she fits to a T and has zero insight. she may have full on 0cd bc talking to my dad he has more obvious 0cd #compulsions than i do. he used to say phrases before going to bed and would take 2 steps across the floor to prevent bad things from #happening. so like im pretty sure my nana is where i get my perfectionism and 0cd. god. i wish i could express how fucked up she is #like my dad said at least he had a stable home to grow up in but like she has zero sympathy for other people. cannot look past herself. wil #not wear a mask bc she doesnt care enough abt other ppl. my dad was like: u would not have survived in that house. which is fair bc i am #barely keeping it together coming from a stable home with two sympathetic parents who i know love me #and like its sad that they're suffering the effects of buying into the fox news bullshit and its killing them #but also. genuinely. i think theyre not very good ppl. theyre the type of people who think they're better bc they're religious. white. and #thin. and theyre not better thsn anyone. their grandchildren cant stand them. well cant stand her at least. papa is just quite so its hard #to say what hes thinking. apparently he was confused last night and saying something about eating dinner on the golf course. which sounds #nicer thsn being in the hospital lol. ugh. he seems not long for this world tbh. may he pass peacefully to b with his 1st wife who died of #brain cancer at age like 20 or something. so it goes. bleh. how many funerals are intended for me in the next 5 years? hopefully none but #that seems improbable with the unspoken drain circling that seems to b going on in this family. old age and like almost 10 years of cancer #defying the stats but for how much longer?#i dunno. its just so weird to watch these things happen and not talk about it directly to the other ppl who see it #i worry that ill come off as too callose or inappropriate bc i have that tendency when something bad is happening but thats everyone else #excuse? idk i just feel like its better to talk abt things #unrelated #ed mention #i tell u this so i can say these things to someone and also bc if i were u. i would like to hear the drama #bc im nosey and i assume other r too ;-]

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wolfisland · 7 months

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genuinely worried whatevers wrong with me is covid. the rapid test says no but at this point those things are useless to me. but its been triggering such awful fucking body pains that if this is a flare up this is one of the worst ones ive ever had

#tbh ive had covid before and it was nothing compared to my chronic pain flare ups #but i guess that makes sense considering im always always in pain #the aftermath of the havoc it wrought on my body and immune system was way way worse #mind you id already been mostly vaccinated by the time i caught covid (missed my 3rd shot)#which is likely the only reason it didnt half kill me #so dont take any of this as me saying covids no biggie #bc what i do mean is that my flare ups are a separate kind of hell that i cant at least mostly sleep through #i slept through covid. fortunately #but rn i am definitely sick and i actually have no idea if its like a cfs fibro episode from stress #or if its smth contagious #so it just means no leaving the apartment except to get my meds or see my dr if i can avoid it i guess #txt

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icewindandboringhorror · 1 year

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A very interesting cloud formation!

#I don't think I had ever really seen clouds like this before? it looks like a cool painting or something :0 #Pulling just a few images from my cloud and sky photos folder which has like 650 pictures in it becvause I'm obsessed with the sky lol #I will usually spare everyone the cloudposting but... in some exceptions when it's really cool I must Share #(upcoming covid mention in tags for those avoiding the topic)#I WANT TO BE ON AN AIRPLANE SO SO BAD I am going to start casting evil spells to explode all these 'back to normal' bastards who are out #spreading virus and shit HHHHHH... Covid is NOT over actually contrary to popular beielf especially for people with health conditions #that make them more vulnerable or would have worse consequences if they were to catch it etc. etc. wearing a mask in public is #in MOSt cases not THAt much of a horrific terrible evil inconvenience and it helps keep everyone around you safer including these #vulnerable populations!!!! Even if I didn't have any problems myself I would STILL be masking because it's a small gesture that can make a #big difference in people around me being comfortable. It's not like people with health issues just never have to go out or go to the stor #or whatever. There are still people out there who could be helped by extra precautions that are being overlooked. grrrrr...#Like at this point since I'm vaccinated and everything I would MAYBE consider flying on an airplane IF everyone else around me #was masking and being just as careful as me. But at this point it's just the wild west and I would literally be the only one who gives #a shit or who gets tested freqeuntly before after and during traveling and wears the proper type of mask well fitting and not half off my f #ce and blah blah blah. And precautions work best when EVEYRONE is participating. There's only so much you can protext yourself if everyone #around you is doing nothing. So.. alas.. I still do not feel safe traveling. And probably won't for years until more progress is made in #terms of like understanding and treating certain long covid issues and etc. Since I think it's inevitable that if I start going out again #I would get covid. Me and my household bubble are some of the only people I know who haven't had it yet (or at least not knowingly so - if #so it was one of the asymptomatic cases etc.). So if I was GOING to get it anyway I'd at least like the assurance that whatever long term #issues I inevtabley suffer because of it will be more easily treatable at that point instead of entirely disabling even further than I'm #already disabled. etc. AAANYWAY!! all that to say. I JSUT REALLY WANT TO be on an airplane!!! I dont even like traveling and going places I #hate vacations and would rather be at home working on my projects I'm fixated on lol HOWEVER I love the view from airplane windows #like the very few times in my life Ive actually been on a plane and the window is so COLD when you lay your forehead on it and sometimes yo #even see little ice crystals and it's like you're just in a landscape of clouds with a sea of clouds above and below and aaaAAAAAA #Literally I want to get on a plane just to go up in the air and then land and fly back. I don't even want to go on a real trip. I just NEED #to see the sky I need to be IN the sky I need to have that VIEW and the cold and everything!!!! gRGGHGgg... And I will do that the entire #time. I think my longest plane ride was 7 hours and I do not watch movies. I dont text or play games. I literally do nothing to entertain #myself except stare straight out the window for 7 hours (with a few eating and bathroom breaks). not even joking lmao. It's like a trance #I LOVE the sky and clouds so much and the view you get from an airplane is like incomparable!! also I love airports with the big windows an #people watching. but mostly I just long for the sky view again. GRRR.. sobbing and yearning >:T

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kowaindar0u · 2 months

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cracks eyes open

got an email back scheduling a phone interview for tomorrow at 9:30am so

I'm gonna have to go to bed wayyyy early tonight 💀

#putting this here so hopefully i don't forget #i was excited but now im stressed #ots an in-person job #i have been working remotely sinxe 2018 #except for the 3 days j was in office when i started ny previous job in 2020 before we all went to remote for covid #it was awful lol ... social anxiety is Real Bad #but my god i need JOB #im tired of being broke and i wanns move out!!!#also i wanna see dreamcatcher in november lol #cries.....#idk if im giing back to sleep or not my head hurts sk hopefully for s littlw bit...#out of blades #k¡ll me lol

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bipirate · 9 months

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As much as i hate having to self isolate over christmas i know i'm doing the right thing. Like i want to see my family more than anything (we had our xmas gift exchange evening planned for today) but i dont want to run the risk of infecting them. And the idea that so many people rn have covid, know they have covid, and are continuing life as usual is so insane to me. Like did we forget everything from the past few years??

#and like i dont feel that bad rn but i can tell covid is Different than a normal cold #on sunday i genuinely felt bad and was scared i'd get a fever again (when i got covid for the first time i got a 39C fever-#and ive never had a fever in my adult life before so that was new)#luckily i didnt but it did feel p bad. and for the rest it's like a normal cold except it's rougher on my lungs than a normal cold is #and ive had every vaccination i can get #so like. i dont want others to get sick like this. not to mention the dangers of long covid

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roboromantic · 4 months

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oh boy can't wait for my state to ban wearing masks in public, even for health reasons!! I'm sure the Republican majority is right and police officers will have perfect discretion about when it should be enforced and definitely won't be racist about it!

ETA: I originally had a whole fucking essay written here about how this doesn't actually apply on private property like stores and some people say the original exception wasn't necessary in the first place bc N95 masks and similar don't conceal your identity (which is what the law prohibits, with exceptions for things like costumes) and repealing it also doesn't mean anything except to appeal to anti-maskers (who btw CLEARLY don't know or don't care about the private/public property thing)

but then Firefox crashed and it didn't get saved so. y'all get the short version. basically, this shouldn't affect me all that much but it's still gonna be horrible for people who need/want to be on public property while masked and it'll almost certainly embolden anti-maskers to harass people even more

#wearing a mask in public was made illegal in the 50s bc of the KKK but an exception was made for COVID #the new bill repeals the exception and makes the punishment worse #'no one was ever arrested for wearing a mask for health reasons before COVID so obviously no one will be now'#then why not exclude health masks from the ban!!!#there's still a chance that it can be altered iirc but there's more than enough Republicans to override the veto so 🙃

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liebelesbe · 3 months

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also did you know that feelings can make you crash? or well, in my case almost crash? bc I had Emotions™ on Sunday and BOY am I feeling them now!!!

#thamk you long covid... just what i needed... being punished for feeling bad... great...#doddie redet #it's gotten a bit better over the day bc I literally only got up once all day. and that was to go to the bathroom.#but when I woke up I was so fucking dizzy I couldn't move my head at all without everything fucking spinning. hrg.#a bit what i imagine a hangover feels like except I've never had a hangover so i can't know for sure #and without any alcohol or fun the day(s) before

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cinnabargirl · 5 months

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Just found out yesterday that the guy in my uni class that liked to be characterized as a big huggable bear golden retriever bf type was accused of raping a drunken girl from our degree at a camping trip (idk which year) and his feminist polyamorous mom friend gf has done nothing but defend him ever since how is ur week going so far

#never liked the dolt anyways lmao #they were the type that were always on top of social justice and idpol things but in a very performative way #like they got everything from instagram infographics type shit #she had no boundaries and made a lot of the friends we had in common sort of ostracise me #and he didnt like me either bc when i was 19 i had 0 filter and p much told him he was a dumbass via group chat #found out yesterday bc i was chatting about ppl we know in common with my workmate im sharing a room with at work #and these two came up #and he said yeah i never liked him anyways especially since hes a rapist #W H A T ? ? ? ?#and he showed me the students union gc that his gf is in #and there was this massive msg from october 2020 calling that man out #basically what happened is that sometime prior to that likely before covid he sexually assaulted this woman #and although she went to the police she didnt actually press charges and they came to an agreement #that he would leave any space that they were involved in together such as the students union #except that he didnt and that ended up causing her much distress #hence the callout #also he changed his name around the time he was accused of rape #and at that time i was going to a a lot of gender and women's history and archaeology classes which he and gf would also go to #just a very nasty and disgusting shock #even if i disliked him i would never imagine someone do that

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fxggotclown · 5 months

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ive told my mom like three times ive started experiencing brain fog and that it's really affecting my life and she either glances over it or asks me if im taking iron or something else equally unrelated and it makes me feel like im losing my mind more than i already am.

#teamcasper #can things please stop getting worse #just as a reminder ive gotten every illness that has further disabled me except the last one from my family that refuses to mask even though #they work at schools #the most recent one was just a cold (not covid . i tested) that spread around at work #which is worrisome in itself i guess #anyway im losing my mind . no one listens to me and it is harder to talk in general bc my thoughts get more jumbled even than before #who cares who fucking cares im gonna be late for work bc of my dad!!!!!

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frogbestfriend · 9 months

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The toxic slutch has gotten me and only tea is keeping me alive at this point

#hopefully its not covid cus i literally havent left my house in aeons except last dec 24-25th to camp out in the great wilderness #but jesus christ everything HORTS and my mouth is so bitter wtf #txt #keep me in ur prayers that i dont doe before february please

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pepprs · 1 year

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like at some point i have ti admit it to myself. it’s a 2am delirious ramble after a hard sad day. but i don’t think i like my job very much actually. i mean i do i love it and it was made for me and i made it for me too. but how come something that i love and was made for me and that i made hurts so bad and so primally? how can i like something that brings me so much stress and grief and despair so regularly?

#purrs #i think it’s just been a hard year and a long pandemic. but transience and institutional politics and hierarchy and ambiguity are things you #just have to deal with i. an education job / setting and yet theyre fucking killing me. they killed me as a student and they’re killing me #even more as a staff member. i don’t think it’s that much to ask. i just want to have all the people i love in one #place. and to be on the same page all the time. shoulder to shoulder. ts all ive wanted and it’s been 5 years of wanting it so badly im #mentally and in some ways physically sick from the lengths ive gone to get it. like it’s come at a high price and i have it except for when #i don’t which is a lot of the time. idk what im saying. i just… im doing it backwards. im not in higher Ed because i want to be a student #affairs professional or ride up the ranks or whatever. im in it because i love this specific organization and helped to make it from the #start and the only reason i want to rise up the ranks is so i have fewer and fewer reasons to (doubt i’ll) get shaken off. but it can’t ever #be the same as it was. i miss my friends. i miss life before covid and i miss life before july 5 2022. i miss futures i didn’t get to live.#and i need to get over it and just be where i am and be brave and strong and pull myself backup again and make new friends and grow. but its #fucking hard. and im tired. everything has sucked the life out of me #delete later

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spacejammie-eimmajecaps · 1 year

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The thing about chronic pain is that I'll be experiencing the usual horrors (pain and discomfort that isn't possible to fully ignore) but I'm not even phased, like this is just a normal Wednesday night for me.

#it hurts but i can ignore it if i keep myself occupied with other stuff #which means its not that bad #but its bad enough that trying to sleep is out of the question #and that means its another night of taking melatonin with as much advil as my kidneys can tolerate and hoping for the best #disabilty pride month except instead of pride i feel nothing but apathy and discomfort #ngl i am getting more and more discouraged as time goes on bc i am getting less and less good days #and i am losing abilities ive always taken for granted #like being able to drive for longer than 20 minutes #or doing chores #or literally just being able to stand long enough to like cook a single without it using up all my energy for the day #not even exaggerating #i can at best cook one meal a day now #on bad days i cannot cook anything that cant just be microwaved or popped in the toaster #ever since i had covid last summer it seems like my health started getting worse at a much faster rate that it was before #my neurologist said it probably triggered cfs/me and that its basically a form a long covid #which fucking sucks so bad #like exercise helps some of my other conditions but i cannot exercise at all anymore without triggering a bad crash #there is no winning #siiiiiiiiiiigh #its fine though #we carry on

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icewindandboringhorror · 2 months

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Everytime I face a new character limit on a website that didn't have them before/used to have really long ones... AUGHHhhh the modern social media world was not made for people like me (lovers of details, rambling, elaboration, thorough explanation, and nuance)

#twitter and other short form shit and everything being a Phone App On Small Screen instead of a Proper #Computer Website i feel like has just ruined the format of literally everything for me. Thoughts just keep getting more and more condensed #with detail and nuance taken away. everything over simplified into only the basics. blah blah blah. I've already probably rambled about thi #all before but it's just SO frustrating. I literally just CAN NOT talk that way!!! even if I try!!! I took multiple advanced placement #english & language arts classes in school and I literally never made below an A on any assignment EVER except for ESSAYS #where I would legit get almost failing grades just because I cannt express myself concisely. I took an english placement test thats made to #like evaluate your competency in a subject and out of the 102 multiple choice questions I only missed TWO of them. almost a perfect #score. But for the 5 open response questions (about articulating thoughts succinctly) I did not get a single one of them lol #I only got partial credit on 3. It's like I OBVIOUSLY understand the material and I know how Words Work and how to analyze and interpret #meaning and etc. etc. But it's just when I have to express myself CLEANLY I can't. It's always ''well you have very good points and you #get around to the idea eventually and I think it's very insightful - but it just needs to be shorter/the side tangent needs to be removed/#etc.'' I've always wondered if it has something to do with being on the schizophrenia spectrum and how that can cause disorganized #speech sometimes hmm..ANYWAY.. But I just naturally express myself in a very particular way which is lengthy and I can't rea #ly seem to control it. So it's basically like just.. being gradually pushed out of every place that won't accomodate people with different #ways of like perceiving and expressing or etc. Everything cannot ALWAYS be 100% 'Short and Snappy and To The Point' or a quippy one #liner or the Bare Minimum of information being provided or etc. Some peoples brains just do not work like that!!!!! Sorry I operate #in detail and elaboration lol. ANYWAY.. I still sometimes use random ''dating sites'' like OKCupid to look for platonic friends since #I never leave the house so it's hard for me to just meet friends naturally. And I just realized today that they added a RIDICULOUSLY small #character limit to their messaging system (2000 words?? augh). And also took away answer explanations (when you answer a compatibility #question you used to have a space to give detail and explain why you answered the way you did) and removed a few other features and it's ju #t like.. how the fuck is any of this actually helpful in terms of judging compatibility? take away ALL nuance and anyting that actually #is meant to tell you anything about a person? Bumble's character limits for your profile description are even more fucking insane and so #is every other disgustingly minimalistic place I've seen like.. OKC used to be superior BECAUSE it allowed for a TON of detail. like back i #2016 or something there was SO much data you could look at. long form question answers. personality trait summaries. etc. Now you have #SOO little to judge off of when evaluating compatibiility it's like. You'd have better luck just throwing a dart in a crowded street and #talking to whoever it hits. Why are people so fucking allergic to reading anything longer than 3 words and providing DETAILS!! It just seem #harder and harder to find any place to meet platonic friends where you have any amount of actual data to go off of and it isnt basically #just random 'speed dating' set up shit. AARGH. &I know 'oh just join a club& meet ppl irl' 1. erm..covid. 2.I mostly want to meet ppl #in places I'd like to move so I already know ppl when I get there. You kind of HAVE to do that online. bc I am not there yet.. WISHING for #Complexity.Com where ppl can upload full 900 page psychological files of themselves. MINIMUM profile character limit 30k words lol

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