#expect these designs to go through a very gradual changing process . in a few months if I'm still fixated

[ratcandy]

Now that I have some base designs for everyone here's a rough height comparison!

Not included: Sozo is somewhere between Shamura and Kallamar while Arylide (my yellow cat) is about the same height as Leshy if maybe a bit shorter.

Some other design notes,

The Lamb is extremely tiny because I think its funny. Also because way back in 2019 I made and got super attached to a personal OC who was also cult leader who was itty bitty tiny so now I'm attached to that idea

Technically if you stretched Leshy out all the way he would probably be taller than all of them. Except Kallamar, because if you stretched out Kallamar and counted the length of his tentacles, he'd be obnoxiously tall

Shamura can also prop themself up to be taller if they so choose but they do Not choose that often

Clothing-wise things are a mess. I'm not very good at designing clothing, always been a weak point of mine, but there are some small things I'm trying to go for specifically:

Leshy wears the cult symbol because, though he expressly denies it, he got comfortable the fastest of all his siblings. It helps that Aryl is here but even aside from that...... He's the deity of Chaos, even if formerly. He can adapt to whatever he wants to

Narinder is wearing a complete stand-out thing from everyone else. Nothing Bishop-like and nothing Lamb Cult related. He put together that hooded cloak himself because he misses his old one

Shamura is figuratively stuck between two worlds at the moment (having little to no memories of Anything prior to cult life but still having this lingering feeling) so they've got both cult attire and bishop-look going on at the same time.

Kallamar said FUCK your GROSS cult attire I am wearing FANCY ROBES. The rest of you can go die

Heket is #1 lamb hater in the entire world and utterly refuses to wear anything with the cult's symbols. She's going for more of a bishop look because heresy be DAMNED she hates it here and wants everything back how it was

Misc,

"why are Narinder's eyes still like that" because it looks cool

I am thinking of Maybe giving Leshy arms. He might deserve some arms. Yes it will clash with the rest of the Centipede look but again he's Chaos he can do whatever he wants forever

Leshy also has antennae I just make them super thin lmao

Nari has whiskers but I just never draw whiskers . Always forget. In the same vein that Shamura is covered in setae but I am not drawing a ton of individual setae so you'll just have to trust me on that

If Heket's legs are not drawn massive that's not Heket she MUST have giant frog legs or I will riot. She could leap over the chapel and I will not have it any other way.

[fallenrepublick]

HI. Can I request a fluff where reader tells maul "i love you" for the first time and he just stops working? (might be angst too)

This got a lot deeper than I intended it to, but by the time I realized it, I had already written all of it so...

Warnings: I don’t... think any...

Months had passed on the surface of Mandalore, a planet ripe with internal strife wild enough to match the beating of a heart that didn’t quite know what it wanted. You had been there, you had been with him, and all seemed well, at least in the eyes of onlookers too distracted in their own affairs to pour through the reality you experienced. In truth, the unfathomable uncertainty about the role you played tugged at your conscience at every moment.

Maul didn’t enjoy discussing it outright. He never approached the subject, and when you attempted to ask about what you were to the people, or even what you were to him, he dodged the question or simply said you were “important.”

For this reason, a wall began growing in your heart, not yet tall nor strong enough to fare against what you felt for him, yet prominent enough within you that you worried your future would allow for the wall to encompass you completely if left unchecked. But the fear of the unknown still held tightly to you, and though it was entirely possible his side glances that landed on you much longer than normal, or the compliments he gave you that extended past your work, or even the light touches he brushed onto your arm could be misconstrued as something more, you knew it would eat away at you if you were never given a direct answer.

And so came a day when the world seemed quieter than normal, and the overcast sky outside your office window created a haze that only intensified the distractions in your head, and you found it even more difficult to concentrate on your work. Maul sat across from you, brow furrowed and cheek resting on his fist as he typed away, boredom taking hold. Every so often, he glanced up at you, golden eyes glowing softly in the dim lighting, and you struggled to make it seem as if you didn’t notice.

It wasn’t like you didn’t normally interact with him. In fact, it was quite the opposite. He may have been harsh to other advisors or members of the Death Watch, but he smiled at you frequently, and made it fairly obvious that you were a, if not the, favourite amongst them. You spent time with him on his days off, and made sure to check on his well-being frequently, as he often did with you, sometimes urging that you take a break for the sake of your mental health. Still, you hesitated to call it a “relationship,” seeing as he still made little effort to specify how, exactly, he saw you.

On any other day, you would make passing remarks to him as you worked or joked about some of your colleagues’ incompetence when it came to organization or militarization. He would then respond with some sort of eye-roll or a laugh that came out more like a hum than anything, and offer to take a walk through the halls while you complained. But today, you remained silent, your thoughts and deliberations of the past few months competing for dominance and a chance to be spoken aloud at the subject of your affections.

“How bad is it?”

You jumped, not expecting to hear a voice that wasn’t your own in the silence of the room around you. The navy curtains fluttered out, urging you to find an answer, dull as it may be, to at least fill the silence.

“Bad? What’s bad? Who? Me?” Nice one.

He stared at you a moment, unblinking and completely still, his frown of concentration gradually being replaced by a frown of concern. “Are… you alright? You’ve done nothing for the past twenty minutes, and though I personally don’t mind, it’s not like you.” He straightened up, elbow lowering and brushing past a pile of data discs that had been on the desk for a week.

“No, yeah, I’m…” Pause. “I’m fine. I’m good. I’ve just been thinking a lot. Doesn’t matter, though.”

“I enjoy hearing your thoughts,” he said, a slight smile softening his gaze. “What might be occupying you today?”

There was a large part of you that wanted to get out of this conversation. There was a small, but significant, piece of you that wanted to answer him. “It’s really nothing interesting…”

“Neither is this.” He gestured to his screen, a mocking scowl forming when he referenced his work. “Believe me, I’m certain you can do much better at interesting me.”

If ever there were a time to find out, this was it. You took a deep breath, stealing yourself for the worst. Or the best. You weren’t sure yet. “You know how… some people are really close? But they’re not… together… they’re just… interacting. I don’t want to be stuck in some sort of weird rut where I don’t know where I’m going, or if there’s even a future with someone… I don’t want to be left wondering, and end up wasting my time on something that wasn’t real. But at the same time, what if it is? And I never act on it, and it just fades? What I guess I’m getting at here… well, what I’m saying is… I think, uh, I… love you.”

His expression changed rapidly, the look of interest and concentration on your rambling melting into wide-eyed surprise that made the silence in the room all the more terrifying.

“What?” he asked finally, voice strained and exasperated, as if the very air he breathed ceased to enter his lungs the moment you finished speaking.

“I love you.” You looked away from him, face beginning to flush.

“I’ve never…” He struggled, mind failing to process your confession, eyes darting around the room for an answer that didn’t exist. It struck a chord within him, one that hadn’t been touched once in his life, and the icy fear that resonated with its vibration shook his faith in his composure. “That simply isn’t possible.”

You weren’t sure what you were expecting. It was not that. You stood, unsure why, but following the reflex regardless. “What does that mean?”

“I am not… the kind of person who is ‘loved.’” Each syllable carried weight with it, a heavy chain welded together by lies still wrapped around his soul as he remembered his purpose. “Those that dare care for me are often disappointed by what they find afterwards, and though you may not believe it now, your fate will prove the same as any other.”

“I think you’re confusing ‘care’ with ‘expectations’.”

A laugh. But low, a foolish attempt to downplay the truth. “Maybe. But it doesn’t change the fact that my sins shouldn’t mar the face of your perfection. You’re... good, far better than I surely deserve, and while you desire that which stands beneath you, I must insist that you could do so much better.”

“And if there isn’t any better?” Posture straight, you held yourself at attention, sure of yourself as ever. “You say all of this, you reference a failure that… doesn’t exist. Whatever happened back then… you know it doesn’t matter now, right?”

He looked away from you, exhaling sharply and shutting his eyes, urging himself to hold fast to his convictions, horrible as they may be. “Who’s to say?”

It was enough to concern you. Stepping away from your desk, you tread carefully over to him, crouching down so that you were at his level where he sat. “What’s going on? This… This isn’t you.”

His lips were downturned, and in the relative darkness it almost seemed as if his tattoos were designed especially for him to hide behind, as if they were placed strategically to deny others access into who he was. They took the place of his emotions, wrapping across him as bondage restricts a captive, a reminder that he was to be feared and nothing more. But as you watched him, you saw him as well, the movement of his eyes and tightness of his lips betraying his purpose.

“Isn’t me…” he repeated, still not meeting your gaze. “There’s very rarely a sense of self when your very existence was meant to be a weapon, and it was only recently that I realized what I had been made into was far from my truth. I won’t lie to you... Nothing in the galaxy matters more to me than you... And for that reason I will not risk harming you.”

“Is that what you think? That hurting me is inevitable?” You reached up, the pads of your fingers brushing at his cheek. He didn’t move away.

“How can it not be?” When he finally looked at you, you could see a sadness in his eyes that hadn’t before revealed itself. Only now, when he was no longer withdrawn, could you identify it.

Your voice became soft, an understanding taking hold. “I’m not afraid of you… I couldn’t be here if I were. You don’t give yourself enough credit for what you’ve done.”

“And what have I done?” He tilted his head, the movement just enough to rest into your hand.

“You made me fall in love with you. Against all of the odds you insist stand in your way.” You smiled at him, contentment lacing your features as you realized where you stood.

“Then…” He hesitated. “I… I love you, too.”

[tlbodine]

So, What’s it Actually Like to Work With a Small Press?

Have you ever noticed that advice for writers tends to be sort of...lackluster in some areas? Like there are some parts of the publishing process that are really easy to find information about. For example, how to write a query letter! Everybody tells you how to write a query letter! But what nobody ever seems to talk about is wtf actually happens once your book is accepted. Like, what is it actually like to be a published author?

And that's kind of scary, right? Like you're plunging into darkness on absolute faith that there's something on the other side? If you can't imagine yourself in a role, it's kind of hard to take the leap into it. So here's my attempt at shining a flashlight on one small corner of the publishing industry.

I can't speak to the process of being published with a major publisher, but I can at least tell you a bit about what it's like to work with the small press that I work with.

Short answer: Way, way cooler than I expected.

Honestly. I went into this with pretty low expectations, because you hear a lot of talk about how publishers don't do anything to promote their authors and how first-time authors are pretty much nobodies etc. etc. so I was expecting nothing. Here's what I got instead:

- Several months after my query, I got an email saying they loved my book and would like to publish it. There was a contract attached. I asked if I could take some time to review the contract and reach out to some agents (I still had queries out with them) and they said that was fine. I gave them a specific date I'd have an answer for them (I think it was two weeks) and sent some emails to agents. Most of the agents replied right away that I was off the hook and good luck. Some said nothing. One notable outlier emailed me back several months after the contract was signed and asked if I still had the book. (I told him no but I'd consider him first the next time I query an agent).

- I signed the contract. The terms were pretty much what I expected. If I'd had an agent I could probably have negotiated better terms, maybe. But I'm satisfied with what I'm getting, and it's very standard for the industry.  

- Which brings us to another irritating truth about the publishing business: nobody talks about money. Like, aside from short story markets (which usually post their rates right in the market listing) you never have any idea how much anything pays. This is by design. The authors who are really vague in their posts about money? They've probably signed a contract stating that they can't talk about the specifics. I know it's really frustrating. It's just how the industry works, for better or worse (and, tbh, it's how a lot of businesses work - if you get a raise, for example, your boss may ask you not to tell anyone because other employees aren't getting the same raise).

- Anyway. I signed the contract and then waited around for a while for it to be signed by the head of the company and sent back to me. Then I waited around a little bit longer to be introduced to my editor. Publishing involves a lot of waiting, which you should use to your advantage to do more writing rather than brooding and pacing.

- My editor emailed me and let me know she really liked my book and approximately how long it would take for her to turn around edits. It took about that long. She sent the edits in tracked-changes format in the word doc and I spent an evening going through and pretty much approving all of them because I am not a person to quibble over the placement of a comma.

- What was editing like? Well. They were copy-edits, not substantive edits. I don't know whether that's the norm for this publisher or small presses or publishing in general, but that was my experience. I'm mostly fine with that, but it did surprise me; I was expecting to have to do a lot more work post-acceptance. There was no discussion about changing the title, either, which is a thing I was expecting because I'd once read that books never get published with their original titles.

- Once I'd approved the edits, it got sent of for formatting and we talked about cover design. I made a list of book covers I liked and some general things I wanted. My editor passed this along to the designer, and they had some back-and-forth before it was sent back to me, and I loved it a whole lot and had one extremely minor change. I imagine if I really, really hated it I could have gotten it re-done, but I loved it so I didn't get to test that hypothesis. 

- So with the cover and the formatting pretty much done, it's time to start promo. I started pulling together things independently. I ended up with a list of 86 blogs/websites I wanted to approach for online promo, and I can write a whole thing about this process later so I won't bother you with the details on it now. But there were a few things that were really interesting and I didn't know about or didn't expect, so I'll talk about that instead!

- Blurbs! You know those quotes from other authors and such that are on book covers or on a page inside the cover? Ever wonder where those come from? You ask for them. This should not have been mind-blowing to me but it totally was. My editor approached some people, and then asked me if I had anybody to approach, which led to me sending some really awkward emails both to complete strangers (people with books I really liked that were similar to my own) and to friends/acquaintances who were more successful than I am. This was terrifying, but also really cool. I had to remind myself constantly: you are a professional sending business correspondence to other professionals. This did not stop me from squeaking when anybody replied.

- Reviews! I submitted a ton of requests to people with the ARC (advanced review copy). My editor reached out to solicit some, too. Like I said, I'll write a thing about this later, but just know that I'm not and have never been wholly on my own in this regard.

Over the course of all this I've become gradually more familiar with my editor. We're Facebook friends now. I have emailed at odd hours with panicked requests ("Is it too late to rewrite the jacket copy? here are several paragraphs of alternative ideas") and she's pinged me with opportunities and kept me updated on what's going to happen next. This publisher is only open to submissions for a narrow window during the year (about a month or two) and I think that’s mostly so each author can get this kind of personal attention, and I love that. 

Honestly, it's really great, and a much more hands-on and personable experience than I had anticipated. I strongly doubt that publishing with a big house is like this at all. But publishing with a small press, for me anyway, feels a lot like a VIP treatment, even if I'm not, like...getting flown around the country for book tours or anything like that. Just having somebody who really believes in your book who answers your emails within a couple days of sending them is...pretty freaking awesome?

10/10 would recommend Journalstone/Trepidatio to anyone.

You can scope out their website here: http://journalstone.com/mainstore/

You’ll note that my book (River of Souls) is one of just two new releases slated for late summer. You’ll also note that the other book, Doorways to the Deadeye, looks fucking phenomenal and you should buy it (and I’m not just saying that because Eric Guignard wrote very nice things about my book). 

But anyway, that’s my experience so far. I’ll try to follow up after the book has been released to give some more insights. 

[wormvase8]

Teeth Whitening Faringdon

Content

Your Neighborhood Nhs Dental Expert.

Teeth Whitening After Dental Braces

After Care

Who May Take Advantage Of Tooth Whitening?

Supplying Teeth Whitening In Uppingham

Our client feedback as well as our case studies demonstrate how effective teeth whitening can be. Many thanks to the Laser progressed power teeth whitening system we can assist you achieve as much as 8 tones whiter in just one hour visit. Contact us today to declare your fifty percent rate teeth whitening deal with a no-obligation conversation. We have been voted Finest Worth Teeth Whitening and our dentists are very experienced in this field. For bigger corrective situations we typically consist of marked down or perhaps free of charge teeth whitening as an added advantage. The teeth whitening gel is comprised in a couple of methods-- Hydrogen Peroxide or Carbamide Peroxide in differing degrees of focus. To obtain the equivalent value of Hydrogen Peroxide, one need to separate the Carbamide Peroxide concentration by regarding a factor of 3.

Can yellow teeth become white?

The good news is that it's possible to go from yellow to white teeth and, depending on the method you choose, it can be done quickly or gradually.

Additionally, unlike some teeth whitening solutions, we make use of a mobile aspirator throughout treatment for an extra comfy, sanitary person experience and also boosted results. Laser teeth whitening outcomes differ from one person to another, but our teeth whitening system can lighten teeth typically up to 14 shades. Extensive research shows laser whitening to be a risk-free technique of improving your smile. We provide a safe non peroxide whitening system which supplies you with a white smile without the pain of sensitivity and also having to wait weeks for the results. They may have the ability to supply some different whitening gel which might function better for your teeth. " The 'Chelsea smile' describes a trend for teeth whitening made preferred by this area in West London and also those who live there. This is a much more natural colour for the teeth that is still white however maintains the personality of the teeth and opts for the chic photo of numerous Chelsea girls/guys.

Teeth whitening can be an extremely reliable means of lightening the all-natural colour of your teeth without removing any one of the tooth surface. Your Teeth Whitening will begin of with a brief examination finding our even more about your way of living including if you Smoke or not and also if you have actually had teeth whitening done prior to.

Laser Bright Teeth Whitening is the service to all your teeth whitening troubles. At Laser Bright teeth whitening, we offer the finest quality Laser Teeth Whitening services at the most affordable costs for our customers in Manchester. We assure you would grab everybody's focus as soon as you get the Laser Teeth Whitening services done by us. It's that only certified and signed up dental professionals will certainly be treating your smile. Our dental professionals can restore your teeth to their vibrant color making use of the cutting edge Beyond Polus ultimate technology. The whitening process takes about 1 hr, as well as, relying on the customer's diet plan and also whether they smoke, will certainly last in between 9 as well as 18 months. Treatment generally costs ₤ 215, although discount rates are offered for online booking as well as for groups, consisting of wedding celebration bundles.

Your Local Nhs Dental Practitioner.

Do Any At-Home Teeth-Whitening Products Actually Work? A Dentist Weighs In. - InsideHook

Do Any At-Home Teeth-Whitening Products Actually Work? A Dentist Weighs In..

Posted: Mon, 30 Nov 2020 08:00:00 GMT [source]

Naturawhite creates dramatic teeth whitening results for any person who intends to lighten his/her teeth. This includes people with teeth that has been tarnished by smoking or materials such as coffee or tea. It additionally whitens teeth stained by tetracycline, polychromatic by fluoride, or hereditary discolouration. Expectant or lactating ladies or clients under 16 years of age ought to not obtain the Naturawhite therapy. At VANITY Dental method, our experts are extremely skilled and also perform all laser treatments based on the latest scientific techniques and also criteria. If you wish to find out a lot more, please feel free to discuss it with our laser professionals and they will explain whatever to you in detail.

Teeth Whitening After Braces

How do celebrities get their teeth so white?

Porcelain Veneers These are very popular amongst celebrities because of their incredible results. Veneers are thin, strong shells that are custom-made from dental porcelain to cover the front surface of your teeth. Your dentist will choose the perfect shade for your smile and it will stay that way for years to come.

To figure out even more browse through the Brite Dental tooth whitening page, to find your local clinic click hereor e-mail. https://powerwhitening.co.uk/surrey/ is flawlessly secure to publication anytime after around 2 weeks for a top up. After gaining outcomes after one treatment you can go a few shades whiter after only 2 weeks. Outcomes typically improve despite the fact that wonderful outcomes are achieved after one session.

Ultraviolet LED Technology Market Development History, Current Analysis and Estimated Forecast to 2026 | Crystal, Nichia Corp, Phoseon Technology, SemiLEDs - Factory Gate

Ultraviolet LED Technology Market Development History, Current Analysis and Estimated Forecast to 2026 | Crystal, Nichia Corp, Phoseon Technology, SemiLEDs.

Posted: Mon, 04 Jan 2021 07:45:00 GMT [source]

If you are desiring for a whiter smile, we at Freeman & Rosser Dental & Implant Center in Carmarthen can make it a fact. House whitening packages are extremely recommended by dental experts and are an easy as well as credible approach of safely whitening teeth. To keep this preferred treatment as budget-friendly as possible, we currently have a few of the most competitive teeth whitening prices in Stockport. To aid you choose the appropriate teeth whitening process for you, we have even more details below. Our dental experts focus on obtaining specifically the ideal color to suit you and on minimizing discoloration triggered by drinks or smoking.

We currently providing a FREE Assessment-- Schedule you visit today. Our facility has specialist Oral laser specialists who are experienced in their areas as well as perform laser therapies in accordance with accepted professional practices and also requirements. In our system hydrogen peroxide or carbamide peroxide is made use of to include even more oxygen to the tooth enamel. This lightens the tooth colour and your teeth will certainly be whiter as a result. On top of that, you can use Dr Richard's tooth whitening paste to maintain your smile brilliant. In time, teeth are tarnished by food, beverage as well as various other resources, triggering the natural brilliant, white tooth color as well as enamel to become dark.

Good Housekeeping Editors' Favorite Products of 2020 - GH's Top Picks of 2020 - GoodHousekeeping.com

Good Housekeeping Editors' Favorite Products of 2020 - GH's Top Picks of 2020.

Posted: Tue, 29 Dec 2020 23:31:00 GMT [source]

After Care

light produces minimal warmth which is the common resource of discomfort. On uncommon events, minor prickling feelings are seasoned quickly after the treatment, but constantly dissipate. This will certainly get rid of the debris as well as collected plaque and also to make the therapy 100% effective. During any lockdown period, the clinic will certainly stay open up to continue to provide your dental treatment.

Who May Gain From Tooth Whitening?

We provide appointments so we can analyze your teeth and supply you one of the most appropriate and effective teeth whitening treatments for you.

There's nothing fairly like a brighter, whiter smile to aid you look good.

If you are concerned concerning yellow teeth or brown spots on your teeth, then tooth whitening might be the excellent remedy to revive a stunning white smile.

At Shine Dental Care in Mansfield, we can aid you like your smile and also enhance your self-confidence with our sophisticated teeth-whitening therapies.

Done by knowledgeable oral specialists, our treatments are long lasting, safe, reliable as well as designed to fit your individual requirements.

It will certainly not hurt crowns, white fillings or false teeth, however these may require to be changed when tooth whitening is full to boost the colour match.

Teeth whitening is a wonderful means to give a vibrant want to your look.

If you are dreaming of a whiter smile, we at Pedestrian & Associates Dental & Implant Clinic can make it a reality.

As we age, our teeth normally discolour as an outcome of what we drink and eat, along with just how we take care of our dental health and wellness.

Teeth Whitening Sets Teeth Whitener Packages Oral Gel Laser Light Mouth Trays.

Maturing plays its part as well, as can oral issues, such as origin canal infections or fluorosis. Advise a buddy as well as make a ₤ 20 voucher towards your next teeth whitening top-up or aftercare kit; or give it to a buddy! Ensured to make them grin; they'll really appreciate a present that makes a genuine distinction to them.

How long does it take to whiten teeth at dentist?

The most dramatic results -- teeth generally get three to eight shades brighter -- usually take several 30- to 60-minute in-office visits. Some dentists use techniques that can be done in a single 2-hour appointment (e.g. the Zoom system). The cost of in-office tooth whitening varies, but can range from $500 to $1,000.

I haven't had any one of these therapies directly, so can not offer an evaluation however, go check them out online for a complete checklist of thir serivces. A few years ago I was stressed with whitening my teeth, to the factor of obtaining them brilliant-white and also going on a few vacations to obtain a tan, as having a tan makes your teeth look whiter. Next came the stage of the baristas, where I was consuming coffee a minimum of 4 or 5 mugs a day, so my teeth progressively went from brilliant-white to a stained color of yellow over this 3 year period. Laser lightened teeth balance as much as 14 shades whiter than before laser therapy. For friendly service, as well as for secure teeth whitening that works, contact Notting Hillside Dental Facility on today.

A cheek retractor is placed right into the mouth to keep it open throughout the procedure. You'll additionally put on safety eyeglasses to shield your eyes from the laser. Our caring and very qualified medical group will talk you through the teeth whitening options offered.

Dr Marques additionally clarified it will depend upon whether you smoke and recommended me to drink milklike tea and coffee along with avoid red wine, fizzy drinks and refined sugar. He likewise explained that a high-grade electric toothbrush, like a Philips Sonicare or Dental B version, will certainly make a difference. Aesthetic teeth whitening has been featured on smile remodeling TV programs such as Extreme Remodeling. Teeth whitening gel is after that placed right into the customised tray and also used either overnight or for a few hrs during the evening. Some clients have actually reported their teeth showing up whiter in as low as thirty minutes when making use of Pola Day, but also for the brightest results, it is suggested to utilize Pola Night overnight when sleeping. If you're taking into consideration a whiter smile, contact Freeman & Rosser Dental & Implant Center on today to reserve an examination.

Laser whitening needs you to likewise purchase an in your home package, which lets you whiten your teeth when it's most hassle-free for you. Just wear your trays for either one to two hrs a day or overnight, depending on the formula your dental expert suggests. You can safeguard your brand-new teeth brightness by consuming alcohol with a straw to reduce the result of discoloration from drinks. Make sure to see your dentist for regular checkups as well as cleansing, and also you can also make use of a whitening tooth paste to assist whiten and secure teeth. The dental practitioner will certainly then use a whitening gel to the front of your teeth. According to Bupa, the gel generally has either hydrogen peroxide or carbamide peroxide, which releases oxygen onto the surface of your teeth and lightens them. The dental expert will line your lips with a safety SPF cream that contains moisturisers.

Although they do not affect the natural colour of the tooth, they are effective at eliminating staining and also for that reason boosting the overall appearance of the tooth. Whitening tooth paste may additionally aid to keep up the look, when teeth have actually been skillfully lightened.

This advanced therapy can lighten teeth by as much as eleven tones with using a bleaching gel and unique light. learn about a laser teeth whitening berkshire will certainly take impacts of your teeth in order to custom-make a mouth piece. You will use the mouthpiece - loaded with whitening gel - at home for numerous hrs every day. Dr Marques discussed to me that this additionally differs from one person to another and relies on just how white you desire your teeth to be. I still wanted mine to look natural so I do not mind excessive that the outcomes will certainly fade with time however must last for a couple of years.

Both methods use our comfortable personalized laboratory made whitening trays to aid keep the whitening gel in close call with the teeth and also not leak out and also aggravate the gum tissues. The gels that we use likewise have the creative addition of an anti-sensitivity element which assists stop the occurrence of level of sensitivity. The last decade has seen a large increase in non-professional teeth whitening being used in high street beauty parlor and health clubs, as well as whitening gadgets you can acquire online. Lasers increase the peroxide gel made use of to bleach teeth, activating it with a mild heat that decreases the treatment time for the client. Laser whitening is backed by researches that have actually revealed it is safe and also reliable for your teeth as well as periodontals. As well as because our dental experts suggests it, you can be sure that your results will be consistent as well as risk-free on any type of dental fillings or remediations you might have.

[ivyveil]

Have Yourself a Harry Christmas Part 2

the one where Nick’s got nice soap arrangements, Y/N doesn’t enjoy late late nights, and Harry took off the nail polish

A/N: This is a continuation of my series Saint Nick (found here) and it isn’t necessarily to read them all but it helps!

“C’mon, love, let’s get you inside.”

With his arm gently around her, Nick led Y/N into his apartment. She had shown up on his doorstep with only a few minutes notice, the cab driving off when Nick opened the door. Her arms were wrapped around her middle, her purse loose against her elbow, and her bottom lip wobbled slightly.

He hadn’t been given a clue as to why her eyes seemed empty, or why her shoulders were shaking but her cheeks didn’t show signs of tears. It was deeply unsettling for Nick, but he tried to keep his face and tone of voice calm as he led her into his living room.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Y/N barely registered the smell of cinnamon wafting through the air, a product of one of Nick’s infamous ‘it seems like I cooked but I really didn’t’ candles. The cinnamon one was her personal favorite, and he tended to only crack it out when she was around. Just like so many other little things in their friendship, it was purely theirs.

His apartment was nice, cozy like Y/N’s but with a better arrangement of art on the walls. The sofas were comfortable, and the array of knick knacks on the shelves were equally meaningful and useless, a nice balance that both Nick and Y/N appreciated in their home decoration.

Nick’s liking of paintings in particular had set her course in what to get him for Christmas. It was why she had researched an artist who had painted some of the works from Nick’s inspiration board the two of them had made months ago. Back when they thought Mood Boards and glitter in mason jars would fix the roaring waves of anxiety crashing upon their ears.

They had found better methods since, thankfully.

But the paintings on the wall and the sculpture near the window failed to capture her attention, as Y/N settled down on the gray couch. Her fingers clasped around one another, her hands rested on her knees, and her back was curled so that she was sitting on the edge of the couch, rather than properly sitting within it.

Nick sat down next to Y/N, putting his arm back around her shoulder and his eyes on her face, unable to hold back the worried slant of his eyebrow, or how he bit his lip with concern. Her eyes were moving around the room but didn’t seem to be taking much in.

“Babe, you’re gonna have to tell me what’s happened,” he murmured, but Y/N shook her head stubbornly.

It wasn’t unusual for this to happen, when she was going through a rough time. Nick knew this from previous breakdowns, as they both had seen the other at less-than-flattering moments.

For Y/N, she needed to establish a sense of normalcy. She hated feeling like an imposition or a burden to others, so having her friends speak about their days, stuff going on in their lives, allowed for her to gradually come to terms with what was happening in her own. It reminded her that bad things could happen, yet life could continue on, and her polite nature made her want to ensure her friends were okay, before she unloaded whatever fears she had carried to their doorstep.

“Do you want me to talk, then?” Nick asked, wanting confirmation that was the right path to go on, and Y/N nodded sullenly.

“Okay,” he began, relaxing back into his couch and pulling Y/N alongside with him. She leaned back finally, cuddling up next to his side, her head resting on his shoulder. His fingers danced along the back of her arms, because he knew she liked that sort of stuff, similar to how he liked it when Y/N brought out her special storage of Nick Blankets (they were super thick and very impractical for LA, but made Nick feel all warm and cozy) when he needed them.

“My day’s gone well so far. Been plannin’ out the party, with the decorations ‘n stuff. I’ve got the color scheme fit, but the guest list needs to be finished. Not sure if Terry’s bringing his wife...my god, I hope he’s not. She’s always got the rudest things to say ‘bout my chandelier. It’s just a fucking light fixture, I’m not sure what I’m expected to do to please everyone nowadays.”

Nick took a second to breathe, to see if Y/N wanted to speak up, but when she didn’t, he continued on.

“I’ve been a bit lonely lately, if I’m being honest-” he spared a glance from his stare on the ceiling, over to Y/N’s face, but it didn’t change from its stony appearance, so he pushed forward, “I dunno if that’s what’s going on with you, but somethin’ about the holidays makes me feel like I’m missin’ out. I mean, I’ve been loads busy but I’ve just not gotten the proper feeling, with it being December ‘n all.”

“I’m sorry, Nick,” she mumbled, and her arm went around to hold onto his side. She knew how he could get, sometimes, and knew he liked to feel grounded. To have the knowledge that someone wanted him there, to know that he was well liked for himself and that he was never alone. With all the parties and festivities he had been going to lately, sometimes things fell between the cracks, and the expectation of having a Grand Time weighed heavier on Nick’s shoulders than he let on.

That’s when they were there for each other the most, with their friendship of love and support. Y/N felt blessed, in the bits of her soul that had a minuscule amount of faith, with how well they got on, how it felt less like working towards some inconceivable goal of friendship, and more like a natural gravitation of two like-minded individuals, wanting to experience life together and simultaneously respect the differences between the ways they lived.

“Nah, I’m alright. I know I’m not alone, ‘specially since I’ve got the two lil buggers.”

Y/N’s head lifted at that, her nose scrunched up as she realized she hadn’t been attacked by puppy kisses and cuddles yet. She thoroughly enjoyed her cuddles with Nick’s dogs, each time wishing she had caved and bought the small puppy at the rescue shelter a year ago, before going back home and remembering nope, she was never home enough for a dog.

Nick shook his head, leaning to the side to check his clock hung up in the other room. He hummed as he did so, taking a quick second to read the analog design.

“Leo’s taken them out on a walk, he should be back in...an hour or so.”

“Leo?” Y/N hummed, and a sly sort of smile twitched at the corners of her lips, so Nick entertained the notion. Anything that kept the smile there for a fraction longer. He didn’t notice, though, that as he spoke, something behind Y/N’s face slipped and her mouth twisted with the suppression of keeping a secret from her best friend.

“Yeah, Leo. He’s been alright, pretty nice guy. Loves dogs more than he could ever love a human being, pretty sure-”

“Harry and I kissed.”

Nick had been expecting some sort of rebuttal, some argument about how Leo would fall madly in love with him eventually (which wasn’t something Nick thought was realistic, but Y/N was a hopeless romantic when it came to her friends, always setting them up in her mind with anyone and everyone). He hadn’t been expecting that from her lips, and his own parted in shock.

Y/N froze, as well, still staring out against Nick’s living room wall. They listened to the clock ticking against the silence for a moment, before Nick managed to get a few words out.

“Just now? While yeh were at his?” he asked, bewildered, knowing that they had plans that morning, but not understanding why they had fucking kissed. Y/N was dating Spencer, and Harry hadn’t shown a sign that he liked Y/N in a while.

“No.”

“When did it hap-why did you not tell me?” Nick questioned, feeling a bit of regret for Y/N’s flinch when his voice grew, but his hurt had swelled up in a grand wave of confusion. They were best friends, he had told her the things he hadn’t even told his own mother, and she kept this from him?

In the depths of his chest, he knew why; he recognized that he was close with Harry, and even in a split second, Nick could sympathize with the awful dilemma that kissing your best mate’s best mate could pose.

Y/N shook her head slowly, cowering into Nick’s chest, her bottom lip sticking out as she mentally went through everything again. It wasn’t even the kiss that had been weighing her down, but wasn’t that where everything really began? The kiss that held an essence of a promise, like it had sealed some sort of affection into her own breath and against his cheeks, and if she squeezed her eyes tight she could almost feel the way his hands felt against her cheeks and -

She was getting ahead of herself.

“I didn’t tell anyone, Nick. I didn’t know what it fuckin’ meant, I-”

“Love, love.” Nick hushed her gently, shaking his head and feeling the baffled reaction within him dissolve as he saw his best friend close to tears. His instincts kicked in.

“I’m gonna make us a cuppa, then you’ll tell me everything, okay?”

Y/N nodded, her fingers reaching out to clutch at one of his couch blankets. Nick slowly removed himself from the cuddle, making his way towards the kitchen as he began processing what Y/N had said. She bundled herself up into the soft, patterned throw, tucking her cheek against one of the couch pillows and letting herself wallow in isolation, before slowly rising to follow him, the blanket around her shoulders.

---------------------------------------------------------------

“...The night of the gnome?! When’d you have the time, we were together all night?” Nick’s hands held tightly onto the cup of tea as he took another sip, his eyebrows arched with surprise. Y/N was sure he’d be excusing himself from the kitchen table shortly for another refill. There had been a lot of tea poured, a lot of feelings confessed, and Y/N’s heart still felt shattered.

“When I left to get water or something, and Harry followed...” Y/N trailed off, not particularly wanting to relive the night again. Not that the kiss hadn’t been nice (it was extremely nice, which was why she had agonized over it for so long) but the recent events made her wish it hadn’t occurred at all. Things would’ve been simpler, if she and Harry had just identified themselves as friends from the start, and kept it that way.

“Isn’t that the night I asked you about Marie?” Nick’s eyes widened as he pieced together the events he hadn’t known about, and how they coincided with what he did know.

Y/N nodded, her eyes trained on her own cup of tea.

Hers remained mainly untouched, mostly due to her go-to stress reliever drink being coffee, not tea. She understood Nick’s instinct to boil the water and ready the cups, though, and usually went along with it during their dramatic heart-to-hearts, taking sips when it had gone cold without really tasting much of a difference.

“Why’d yeh tell me to set them up, Y/N?” Nick sounded incredulous, which made sense to Y/N but she couldn’t put the explanation into words. Her feelings had meshed together into something indecipherable.

How conflicted she had felt, how her first instinct was to jump to the worst conclusion – that Harry had mentioned it to Nick, that he had asked for a way out, that Nick was trying to let her down easy – all of these absurd possibilities seemed exactly that, in the bright light of two months later, and Y/N couldn’t formulate any words that expressed it better.

“I dunno. Just thought...just thought it’d be for the best. That maybe I read the situation wrong.”

“So you two just...” Nick trailed off, a hand gesturing out into the air to signify the muddled mess of ‘nothing’.

Y/N nodded again, shrugging her shoulders when she felt the tingling prick of tears edging closer against her throat.

“Nothing else happened. We just became good friends, stayed that way during his tour. I mean, you know how much Harry and I talked, we’ve been over it before.”

And while that was true, the discussion of Harry and Y/N’s closeness had gone down under the guise of faux jealousy from Nick, without the understanding that Harry and Y/N had, at one point, been interested in each other.If Nick had known, he would’ve helped them to address their feelings, get them in a place where they could’ve been open with each other, as opposed to getting more lost in the ‘what is this’ blurred regions of their friendship.

“You know, I tried to set you two up, near the beginning. Was why I started the group chat, wanted you two to meet,” Nick confessed, and Y/N’s jaw dropped, her grip loosening on her tea cup.

“What the fuck, Nick?” she swatted at his arm, and for a second he found the glimpse of Y/N hidden beneath the mundane facade of repression, “What happened, why’d you bring up Marie?”

It sounded more vulnerable, a voice crack and a slight wince in her face, like she was curious into his opinion of the idea of her and Harry together. As if he had found something she didn’t, seen a flaw or a warning sign that Y/N had missed.

As if she needed to know what Marie had, that she hadn’t.

“Honest?” Nick asked, and Y/N narrowed her eyes, indicating that yes she wanted it honest, “I just figured it wouldn’t work, after a while of seeing you two hang out. You both seemed so swamped with work. Thought Marie might be a better fit for Haz, she’s much more casual.”

Y/N’s mouth twisted as if she had tasted something sour, but Nick interrupted before she could even ask the inevitable what the fuck.

“It means,” he started calmly, “That you like it when a man can commit and stay around. Marie isn’t like that, she’s fine with vague communication ‘n stuff. And that suited Harry’s situation at the time, more.”

Y/N stubbornly glared at her tea, knowing that Nick was right.

It wouldn’t have worked out between them at the time of their kiss, with the knowledge of his tour hanging over their minds. The present itself was enough of a clusterfuck, before bringing questions of what Harry and Y/N could be, in different circumstances, into the mix.

She had Spencer, for Christ’s sake, and the sudden revival of these feelings reminded Y/N how much Harry could excite and hurt her all at once. Especially with how she tended to read too much into the small things he did, back when a touch on her shoulder felt like a ripple in a lake, and a laugh from his lips felt like his lips pressed to hers all over again. Spencer was never so mysterious, he was always blatantly clear about his expectations and desires. Y/N appreciated that.

“Well, what happened today?” Nick asked, which was honestly the main question he had on his mind. He had been in similar situations before, when a relationship with a friend became ambiguous and unsure, and things crumbled and rolled into each other to become bigger or lesser, and overall a confusing mess. He had never been like Y/N was at that moment, though, and Nick frowned.

Y/N explained everything that had taken place earlier on in the day, although she skipped over when they had bought Nick his Christmas presents for obvious reasons.

She placed extra attention and emphasis on the questions Harry had about Spencer, and how the man answered questions about Marie. Something had stuck out in her mind during those seconds, whether it was just her heightened sensitivity or if she were looking for something, she wasn’t altogether sure.

“-and then I...mentioned...uh, the supermodels,” she finished, feeling her stomach swoop down with intense regret. It blossomed against the sides of her stomach, vines of pain shooting up against her ribs and she felt nauseous. A part of her couldn’t believe she had genuinely said that to Harry, didn’t want to accept the reality that had led herself to the current situation.

Nick was shocked.

“Y/N...” he mumbled, perhaps not fully recognizing that he had spoken out loud, else he would’ve lessened the tone of disapproval. All she could do back was nod, numb, as her best friend in the entire world looked at her, disappointed.

“Y’know most of those are fake, yeah?”

Another nod.

Nick sighed, running his hand through his hair.

“Harry’s not close with a lot of people,” Nick began, choosing his words carefully and his tone of voice swaying in an odd rhythm as a result, “-and it’s mostly ‘cause people tend to have a misconception about him from the start. About his sex life ‘n stuff, which no one should have a proper right to know about...but, point is when he trusts someone enough to be his friend, enough to let them listen to his ideas for bloody unreleased music that I’ve not even heard-” Y/N shot him a pointed look at that, and he widened his eyes and nodded, signaling that yes, he knew about that “-it means he’s let himself be free ‘round you. And that’s a lot for him. Means more than it does to yeh and me, since we don’t have everyone in the world up our ass-crack, trying to see who else has been up there.”

Nick took another pause, before continuing.

“He told me that he likes you because you always take him at his word. That he is to you who he says, that you know Harry before Harry Styles. Just thought he meant as a friend at the time, dunno about now, though.”

A splash in her tea cup startled her a bit, before Y/N saw that she was crying. They fell slowly and didn’t cause her body to wrack forwards; it felt like a natural reaction, like her body had been filled with so much sadness and regret, that she had no other way to let it out.

Nick let her cry without comment, realizing that any effort to try and stop the tears would be futile. It was important for her to cry, anyway; she was the type of person who needed to let it out when her emotions boiled over, lest she repressed everything even more.

“What about Spencer?” Nick asked, quietly. He wasn’t going to judge, because he knew how crazy over Spencer Y/N had been. She was proper smitten with the guy, something Nick hadn’t understood, but now somewhat got. He was certainly different from Harry, and after the emotional turmoil that angsty guy tended to cause, a straightforward guy like Spence obviously had a sort of appeal.

If this had been a mistake of some sort, Nick knew damn well that it was a genuine mistake. Y/N would never string someone along for the sole reason of not making it work with someone else, her take on ‘love’ was more serious than just needing a body next to her. And with one look at her red-rimmed eyes and fidgeting fingers, Nick figured this had been on her mind, as well.

“I don’t know what to do,” she spoke quietly, a gasp breaking around her words. One of the tears slid down the side of her nose, reaching the tip, and her hand flicked it off fully. Nick’s eyes went from her down to the table, as he sat in quiet contemplation.

“Does Spencer even know? About you and Harry?”

Y/N paused, before shaking her head, one of her hands going up so she could rest her forehead, leaning down on the table and staring at the wood pattern.

“I didn’t think it was important,” she moaned, ‘Cause it was in the past, y’know? If he’d asked, I wouldn’t have lied about it. But like-” she shook her head again, “-I just didn’t think about it. I was just happy with Spencer.”

The past tense clung to the air, tendrils sinking themselves around the light fixture and the heavy body slinking down towards the pair at the table. The connotation of the tense, the impact of the word choice, revealed itself a moment after she spoke. Nick watched her carefully, trying to figure out what she herself couldn’t translate into words.

“Maybe you should talk to him about it. Even if you don’t know how you’re feeling, the conversation still matters,” Nick suggested gently, and Y/N took a deep breath.

“Y-yeah.”

She paused, her mouth opening and closing before she decided to go for it, to ask the question that had been beneath her tongue for a few minutes now. Y/N wasn’t sure if there was an answer, if, like most things, it would be revealed what to do after a length of time, when things didn’t seem so serious. But, it didn’t hurt to ask, especially since Nick knew Harry so well.

“What should I do about Harry?”

They both looked at each other in silence for a second, Nick nodding in thought and letting out a sigh. He seemed as conflicted as she was about the situation, and Y/N could tell he wasn’t particularly on anyone’s side, but just there to help pick them both up. That was a comfort to her, because the regret in her lungs that was like a vine clinging to her bones would’ve only gained strength if Nick had felt caught between two people, two of his best friends.

“Not sure, t’ be honest. I do know one thing.”

Y/N waited for him to speak again, the ticking clock behind her head seeming like extraordinarily loud in the silence.

“He doesn’t just...he doesn’t just kiss anyone. It’s not quite,” Nick groaned, reaching up again to ruffle his hair. Y/N tucked hers behind her ear again, shuffling in her seat and sniffling.

“It’s not-it’s just he’s shy, when it matters to him-” he looked up at Y/N to find her searching within his eyes, nodding as her own drooped with more tears, “-he’s a bloody Greek god, don’t get me wrong. And he knows that too. But when it comes to talking about his feelings, he’s shit. Proper shit. And kisses tend to lead to that sort of talk, so he doesn’t often make a move like that unless he’s got a hope.”

Harry might’ve had hope.

Y/N felt awful.

Nick’s disappointment had faded into sympathy by this point; he cared deeply about both of these kids, and the more he thought about it, the more the idea of them together made sense. Yet, they had been so far in their own minds, that things had gotten jumbled around until the only emotion they could exude was frustration.

“Y/N, take some breaths,” his hand reached out to cover her free one, and she attempted a smile, “It’ll be okay, you ‘n Harry can talk about this, make up and whatnot. It doesn’t seem like either of you meant what you said, yeah? But I think what’s most important right now, is tha’ you be honest with Spencer. If you’re gonna make a decision, he’s gotta have all the information.”

“What kind of decision would I be making?” Y/N asked, half confused and half wanting Nick to be the first to say it.

“Well, do you have feelings for Haz still?”

“No.”

“Is that the truth?”

“Yeah.”

“Pinky swear over Mr. Gills’ grave?”

Mr. Gills had been Y/N’s old goldfish, one that Nick had won her at a carnival and had only known the world for three brief days, before its remains became acquainted with her guest bathroom toilet. Nick and Y/N often swore of Mr. Gills’ grave as a sign of complete somber truth.

Nick’s pinky was held out, but Y/N didn’t do the same. In fact, it seemed like her pinky had withdrawn itself deeper into her palm, a shift of the hand to tuck it away from a type of perjury.

She avoided eye contact and shuffled her hands around, shrugging repeatedly and staring out the window.

“No,” she finally admitted, and Nick nodded, satisfied.

“You don’t have to say you love him or anythin’, but are there still feelings?”

“I didn’t realize-” her throat choked up a bit, and she swallowed before continuing, “I didn’t realize there were still feelings until today, I swear it. I just, I didn’t even realize how different it’d be to see him in person again.”

Before they could continue on, an intense rattling shook their attention. Nick jumped slightly and Y/N’s head immediately turned to her purse, having that millennial sixth-sense that it was her phone. And there, in the depths of her wallet and keys, was her mobile ringing, vibrating against whatever was in contact.

When she pulled it out, she saw Spencer’s name flashing across the screen, with a photo of the two of them cuddled on his couch. He had taken it of them a couple of weeks ago, when Y/N had called for a proper movie night and pillow fort competition, which had failed disastrously but still brought a smile to her face.

She wasn’t smiling now.

“One sec,” she mumbled to Nick, whose eyes were caught by Spencer’s name, before she swiped at the ‘Answer’.

“Hey, Spence.” She tried to keep her voice as casual as she could make it, and fortunately Spencer didn’t seem to notice anything different.

“Hey babe!” he crowed, and Y/N couldn’t distinguish the lurch in her chest as butterflies or nerves, “Just wondering when you’re coming over tonight, I was planning on getting Indian. Are you still at Harry’s?”

Y/N’s chest deflated some with the mention of his name, her breath catching in the depths of her throat momentarily, which overall felt dramatic, but she didn’t have too much control over her reactions at the moment.

“Actually, I went over to Nick’s. I’ll be at my place in a bit, though, do you wanna come over?”

Nick nodded at her, smiling to show her that he was supportive, that he agreed, and mostly that he didn’t want to hear the inevitable fight happen in his kitchen, with Y/N on the phone.

“Sounds good.” Spencer paused, and Y/N’s heart thudded in anticipation, knowing he was either toying with what words to use, or simply distracted. Regardless, she was praying he wouldn’t ask why her voice had cracked, or if she had been crying, or-

“Did you tell Harry I liked Kiwi?”

“Oh,” Y/N breathed a sigh of relief, before answering, “No, I forgot to mention it. I’ll tell him later.”

Not fucking likely was she going to ever speak to Harry again. Not after he told her that she was living at bare minimum, as if her standards were drastically lower than his own. He had known her insecurities about not having it ‘all figured out’ in her early 20s, and he had hit her where she was weak. Even though she regretted some of the words she had spat out, she couldn’t deny the wrenching rips of her heart. He had hurt her too.

“Kay, sounds good. See you in a bit!”

The call ended rather quickly, which was fortunate for Y/N because her stomach was in absolute knots. They pulled and tightened against one another, building up in the complicated twists and turns as she bit her lip.

She hadn’t the slightest clue what to say to Spencer, how to explain her predicament and try to approach it with him as a team, rather than as an individual. Because that was the point of being together, wasn’t it? Isn’t that what she had always insisted relationships were about? Learning how to deal with life’s problems together, supporting one another and whatnot. Even when it got hard. Especially when it got hard.

It was because she was scared, that was why she had to tell him. Because even though it was one kiss, and even though it was before she’d met Spencer, the fact it was still prevalent in her mind meant something. That seemed more and more likely the longer she sat at Nick’s table, mulling over what had happened, what hadn’t, and why it bothered her.

Nick smiled at her gently, as if he could read her mind and could see how sense had begun to slowly grow once more in her mind, like daisies in the springtime. He knew she would get back up on her feet eventually, that this was just a low moment that was necessary to reassess everything. She was strong, she’d push through.

“Alright, love, I can drive yeh home,” Nick offered, and Y/N murmured a thanks as he stood up from the table to go get his shoes. As he rounded the corner towards his room, Y/N felt her phone buzz again from the palm of her hand. Figuring it was Spencer, she unlocked it with her fingertip without checking the notification, swiping to access the messages.

She read it once, and then twice, before realizing it wasn’t from Spencer at all. It was her group chat with Nick and Harry, and it was Harry’s name next to the text bubble. To see his name was unnerving for a handful of reasons, but the most obvious was that it had been XXX My Ass for so long, since the beginning of their friendship, really, and Y/N swallowed against the lump in her throat.

The message reached forward and grabbed onto the edges of the blanket, wrapping it around her neck until she felt slightly suffocated, her throat straining against the material, and overheated, a rush to her head making her face feel hot.

Hey Nick, can I bring a +1 to your party? xx.

Nick entered the kitchen silently, leaning against the doorframe as he slid his other shoe on. With his free hand, he held up his phone, obviously having received the same message that Y/N did, but a second too late.

He didn’t realize it was too late, his head whipping to look at Y/N, his mouth opening to ask her to just delete the message, to not read it, because life’s unfortunate timing had struck again and he wasn’t sure how she’d take it. But then he saw her raised eyebrows, the way her fingers were posed over the keyboard, as if she were going to type back, before setting the phone back down on the table.

“Oh, love,” Nick went up to her chair, settling in the one next to her, and immediately pulled her in for a hug. Her hands wrapped around his middle, her face hidden in the front of his shirt (surely staining it with makeup, but Nick had learned to keep stocked on Tide pens years ago), and she began mumbling words Nick could barely make out. He thought she was saying to go ahead and tell Harry it was fine, that she was totally cool with it, that she didn’t know why she was crying and to just ignore it, but Nick knew better.

He reached for the table, picking up the phone and leaning back from Y/N to slide it into his back pocket.

“C’mon, Y/N. Let’s go. I’ll give this back when we reach your place, alright? Think you’ve got enough on your plate right now.”

Y/N nodded, wiping beneath her eyes at the tears half-formed. She didn’t know why the message had gutted her. Or she did, and didn’t want to address it. Everything was a fuckery at the moment, and while everything seemed to make glaring sense, she feigned ignorance. It would be too difficult to admit that she had made a mistake, that she had let her heart be attached to someone before it had fully left another. And she hadn’t even realized.

Being unaware of something seemingly catastrophic at the moment, felt like waking up in the midst of washing blood off one’s hands. Like she had done something unspeakable, like she was the villain in the play that no one would root for, because who could do that without knowing? Who could block out how their heart raced when Harry giggled, or how he seemed to be high up on her priority list? Who could pretend like that was only friendship, while being with another man?

She really didn’t want to be the bad person. As if it were a movie role that needed be fulfilled within a cinematic relationship, as if she couldn’t escape the label or mold her situation to fit her. The ringing memories of Harry kissing her, of seeing those blurred photos of Harry and Marie out, of meeting Spencer and forgetting to text Harry back for a few hours, of sleeping with Spencer for the first time and feeling a warmth in the pit of her stomach. Of everything coming together and not quite fitting.

The memories swarmed up to the top of her mind, clouding her vision and keeping her only half-aware as Nick led her to his car.

Y/N continued stewing in her thoughts, and Nick let her without interruption. Again, he knew her well enough to recognize that barraging her with questions would only confuse her more. She’d come to him again when she was ready, when she needed someone to bounce ideas off of.

“I think,” Y/N broke the silence, and Nick nodded to himself, knowing that was exactly what she was doing, “I’m going to tell Spencer everything. And we’ll decide what to do from there. I don’t think that my feelings for Harry are founded on much, y’know? Like, we’ve really grown close over the phone, and that’s different from in real life ‘n stuff. I think it’ll be okay.”

Y/N nodded to herself, shifting in the seat so her purse was firmly in her lap, and her hand was over the clasp.

“And what about Harry?” Nick asked, raising an eyebrow and shooting a quick look at her before focusing again on the road.

A pause.

“It’ll be okay.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Y/N had roughly an hour alone before Spencer arrived with the take-out. It was enough to get herself cleaned up, to wipe beneath her eyes and collect the smudged mascara and eyeliner, to reapply the powders so her cheeks weren’t so shiny. She felt a bit ridiculous, having all those tears come out over something that shouldn’t have upset someone who was logical, someone who could answer Harry’s questions like a normal human being.

She was with Spencer because that was who she liked, and Harry was just a friend. Wasn’t that the truth? 

Was the truth supposed to be this hard to get right?

She just needed to start the conversation, that was all. Y/N couldn’t wait for Spencer to ask what was wrong, she wanted to put herself out there, even if it meant having to make the first move.

Hyping herself up took more out of her than Y/N had realized going into it. The impromptu dance party as she cleaned up her living room, making up the bed Spencer had left, and turning on the lights for her multi-colored Christmas tree only helped so much.

The unsettling drops and swoops of her stomach refused to settle, and Y/N wondered why it had to be her chest that felt so tight. Like her heart was thudding for an escape, as if it were trying to leave and curl up on her bed, have a proper cry over the events that had taken place in Harry’s living room only hours before.

When Spencer had entered her home, the plastic bags crinkling with the boxes of food and Spencer calling out, “I’m here!”, Y/N thought she might throw up.

So, in order to make sure the discussion didn’t involve chunks of tea and the bits of bread Nick had given her on the car ride back, Y/N decided to wait until she felt more relaxed. Until she could make eye contact with Spencer and not feel like crying, until she could breathe.

Half an hour later, with the two of them cuddled on the couch, watching shit TV programs and making crude comments about people’s house-buying decisions, and Y/N hadn’t made the first move yet.

In fact, weirdly enough, it was Harry who helped her out with that. Another text from the Devil himself in the group chat caused her phone to vibrate, and in the dramatic recesses of Y/N’s mind, the foundations of her relationship cracked with it.

James and Jules are in the hospital. Baby’s coming!! They asked me to host Late Late tonight. xx.

It wasn’t an out of the blue text by any means. The conversation between Nick and Harry had continued after Nick dropped Y/N off at her house, and Y/N kept up with the messages. Nick had let Harry know it was okay to bring a +1, and the two of them chatted about appetizer options for an hour or so. Harry had a lot of recipe ideas that Nick didn’t want to cook, and Harry didn’t have the time before Nick’s party to do them “properly”, so the pair had been at an impasse.

It also wasn’t completely random for someone to text the group chat with new updates of how their day was going. It was completely normal. It was also normal for Spencer to glance at her phone screen as she was reading, because the group chat typically consisted of memes and random remarks that Spencer found amusing, despite not getting the context of the situation.

Y/N wondered if it would be more convenient for life to body slam her with hurtful, awkward situations, rather than seeping it into her day like an IV drip.

“No fucking way,” Spencer turned to face Y/N more, his arm tightening around her shoulders as he grinned, “That’s so cool, Y/N! Let’s stay up and watch it, I bet he’s gonna kill it, you always say he’s so funny and-”

“Can we talk?”

Y/N’s blurting tendencies had drastically increased in the past 24 hours, and the surprised look on Spencer’s face seemed to prove that it was, in fact, out of character. The connotation of the words, too, cemented in the minds of all couples as draped with Warning Flags and Caution Signs, neon lights and red tape.

“S-sure,” he stuttered, moving so his arm was no longer around her body, lifting up the remote to mute the TV. Y/N made the move to sit up, as well, feeling a rush of adrenaline kick into her veins and make her hands shake, a bit. She folded them and played with her fingers to cover up how nervous she was. How much she wished the world could swallow her whole.

“So, y’know how close Harry and I are, right?”

Spencer froze, his eyes flashing with something unreadable, before he nodded slowly. He didn’t speak.

“Well,” Y/N looked down at her hands, before firming her sight on Spencer again, reminding herself to just speak candidly, “We had a small thing happen, before you and I met.”

The silence between them felt like an elastic band that was stretched almost to its limit. The two of them sat, waiting for it to snap and preparing themselves for the whiplash.

“What kind of small thing?”

“J-just a kiss,” Y/N mumbled, looking at him worried. Spencer’s expression hadn’t changed, he was still looking at her as if she hadn’t begun talking yet. And, to an extent, she supposed she hadn’t.

“And?” he prompted.

“Just wanted to let you know. I didn’t think it was a big deal, but today...when I saw him, for the first time in a while? I don’t know,” she sighed, reaching up to fix her hair and rub at her eyes a bit before continuing, “We hadn’t discussed the kiss because things got busy right after, and then he left on tour, and one thing led to another...”

“Did you fuck?”

Y/N blinked, startled, before rapidly shaking her head.

“Oh Good God, no! We just talked about the kiss, that’s all. And we ended up fighting, it...didn’t go well.”

Spencer nodded, his eyes seeming somewhat glazed over. Y/N felt a wave of sympathy for him, because she knew that her words didn’t explicitly hold any meaning that would hurt him, but the imagination can take one out to the highest cliff around, even at the slightest thought of something bad.

“What did you think?”

“What did I think?”

“About the kiss,” Spencer was speaking through gritted teeth, obviously uncomfortable at himself for asking, but wanting the answer regardless.

Y/N opened and closed her mouth several times, completely at a loss as to what to say. Her plan of honesty flew out the window, because how was she supposed to look her boyfriend in the eye and say what was on her mind?

Spencer sighed, shuffling against the couch, glancing around the room, as if Harry were hiding behind her gnome, before spitting out another question.

“If he asked you out, what would you say?”

“I’d say I’m dating you, Spence,” Y/N shook her head, but Spencer rolled his eyes, “We’re together.”

“Bullshit, you know what I mean. If you were single.”

Her vision blurred as she looked at Spencer, and she felt her nose crinkling with the effort it was taking to not cry. The silence was a siren between them, and even though Y/N genuinely wasn’t sure what she would say, if the hypothetical situation were to happen, the seed of doubt had been planted in Spencer.

Spencer looked off, rolling his eyes again and grumbling to himself. It took a few seconds before he spoke, and Y/N was still reeling with how she felt. She knew Harry, she knew him almost as well as she knew Nick at that point, but there were still pieces of themselves they hadn’t uncovered. Exposure to the depths of their feelings was almost inconceivable.

“I always had a weird feeling bout that guy. You two talk a lot, y’know?” Spencer’s words felt like sharp pokes into her side, and Y/N nodded, despite it being a rhetorical question. He sighed again and stared at his girlfriend, bitterly swallowing against the lump in his own throat. Fuck this, he wasn’t going to sit around and let himself be compared to someone he knew Y/N wouldn’t leave.

“I’m not like him, Y/N. I’m not gonna wait around for you to realize what you want, y’know? I can’t do that, I need someone who immediately knows they want me and just me.”

“He hasn’t been waiting, Spence. That’s ridiculous-”

“Is it?” The two of them sat, staring, and Y/N couldn’t find it within her to say yes, “You said he’s going out with someone, but is he really?”

“I mean, I don’t know about right now, he’s been busy, he was on tour and-”

“Fuck that, you two talk every fucking day. He’s got the time every fucking night,” and his words were spitting out, his eyebrows furrowing together as he sat up on the couch, feeling more confident in his words and in his anger, “Wake up to you FaceTiming him more often than not-”

“Time zones!” Y/N cried out breathlessly, waving her hands as if they would erase the moment and let them just forget it all, “He has questions, he wanted to show me his hotel room-”

“Listen, Y/N,” Spencer’s nostrils flared as he tried to calm down, tried to speak rationally and respect what they were together, to properly address the situation in a way that he’d be okay with later, when the red faded from his eyes, “I really like you. I really, really do, but I need to know you feel the same.”

“I do, I do,” she found herself begging, tears stinging her eyes. “And we can figure out whatever this is, together. I can let go of what was in the past, I truly think I can-”

“Are you saying that because we’re together, or because you want to?”

The question hit like whiplash, Y/N wasn’t expecting it and she sat back, physically startled and mentally shaken.

Spencer waited a few seconds, before calling his losses.

“Listen, I’m gonna go.”

He stood up from the couch, walking in front of the TV where Brenda and Martin were purchasing their first home, after a long search balancing a good school district zone and a nice enough kitchen for Brenda’s side job making dog biscuits in the shape of Iranian political figures.

“Spence...” Y/N held out a hand.

His back was to her when he stopped in front of her door, before he turned slightly, his eyes set on the floor.

“I’ll come back for my stuff later, ‘kay? I just, I can’t right now.”

“Okay.”

It was all she could say, really, because who was she to ask Spencer to stay? If he needed space, she could give him space. She wasn’t sure what the right thing to do was, if this was something she needed to work through on her own. But she just knew that she had some shit to deal with, and she had tried to see if she could do it with Spencer. And he wasn’t up for it, which was his decision and was okay.

It still hurt, though.

But he’d be back, and they’d talk about it again, and everything would be okay. Wouldn’t it?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She wasn’t planning on watching it. It truly was not in her mental schedule for the night.

Y/N had hoped to be asleep by now, wrapped up in her blankets and ignoring the fact that her bed was emptier than it had been for a long while. She expected her arms to be wrapped around a pillow – and to be fair, they were – but the pillow was against her chest as her knees were up on the couch.

The Late Late Show was about to begin.

“All the way from Holmes Chapel, Chesire...” the show started, and Y/N instinctively held her breath. As if seeing him would be more dramatic than a simple entrance, as if she hadn’t seen him hours ago. The excitement of being a late-night TV show host, even if it were only for tonight, felt very alive to her. Despite being mad, and her wounds still aching from his words, Y/N knew this was a difficult challenge for him. And she was proud, in a natural way that overlapped any of the current frustrations she held for Harry.

The curtains parted, and Y/N’s eyes strained to make out his face clearly. Her demeanor changed almost immediately, her focus was brought back to the Harry she knew, as opposed to the Harry Styles confidently walking towards the audience on her screen.

Were there tear marks, where there spots of patchiness the makeup couldn’t cover properly? If he had been crying, had it been over the introduction of new life into the world, or over Y/N? She felt shameful and selfish, aching and angry, all at once.

He looked extremely happy. Tongue poking out, bowing at the audience, blowing his kisses, dancing slightly to the beat (which Y/N knew was his go-to when he felt unsure, when he needed the reminder that others were working alongside him and it wasn’t him against the world). The distance between them lapped up against her mind, like waves pushing them farther apart, yet Y/N could see him through a telescope, almost, understand him although they felt worlds apart.

And they were, with him on stage and her sat on the couch. Harry had his feet in two opposite dimensions, one of glitter and fame, and the other of hurt and reality. No one lied on camera, even the most obvious lies could be planted in a garden of Charm, Charisma, anything but the web of pain lies created. If he smiled, he was happy. And that’s all the audience needed to know.

He began his monologue, but Y/N found herself only catching words here and there, her mind fighting against the weariness of the early hour. She stifled a yawn and brought the couch cushion closer to her body.

His hands were behind his back, and that was why she missed it at first.

It was when he began speaking with his hands, waving them about as he explained how he had been at the hospital, Y/N noticed something. And perhaps it was her mind trying to hurt her further, because when she saw it, her thoughts were stones, dragging her deeper in ice-cold water. Torrents splashed against her eyelids and the rushed sense of a waterfall overtook her mind.

His nails were completely bare.

Blackened edges were spotted around his nail beds if Y/N peered closely enough, but sure enough, he had taken off every bit of nail polish he could.

Y/N was going to be sick.

She couldn’t pay attention, even when the audience was roaring with laughter, as she numbly watched from her couch. The polish meant something. She knew that for a fact, like she knew the sky was blue and the grass was green.

Was removing the polish his way of removing her? Was it a process, with him bent over the table, swiping carefully at each nail, cursing her out underneath his breath? Did he keep the bottle of polish she had recommended, or was that thrown in the trash? How far did the analysis of removing black nail polish go?

Y/N tuned back into the program, biting down on her bottom lip and groaning under her breath. Why she had continued to watch was beyond her, but he was up there being charming, as always. He was addressing CBS or something, looking dead on at the camera before winking, and then finger-gunning the camera.

Not that Y/N was over-analyzing (which meant she totally was, and her journal was going to receive all the possible theories in a week or two), but that was his response to her, when they were joking around before he had left, before things in their friendship had shifted. It was on the late nights/early mornings at the local grocery mart, the crafts store, any place where they roamed the aisles as an excuse to not call it a night, to not address the fact that they couldn’t spend another night together.

Y/N would say something stupid, start making puns about the products around her and begging Harry to buy her any amount of ridiculous things she could get her hands on. Eventually, the jokes would turn dirty, and Harry would just wink at her before putting the items in the cart, a smirk somewhat hidden to himself but still noticed by Y/N as she tried to change the topic. And when they were across the thrift store from each other, and Y/N was holding up the weird denim jackets as high as she could, he’d finger gun at her to indicate yeah, put it in the cart.

Y/N put her head in her hands, groaning to herself. It was all too much, her mind was racing too fast, and her thoughts were grossly offensive.

“What are you doing?” she muttered, fully realizing that it was on another world of pathetic to be watching the show. Nick had texted, offering to come over after Y/N told him that Spencer had left, but she just wanted to be alone. And what did she do in isolation? Made everything worse.

The audience roared again with laughter, and Y/N looked up just in time to see Harry, cocking his hip out, a shit-eating smirk on his face, saying he had made up a joke himself. And Y/N could tell he had, she could see the pride on his face and the way his smile had stretched into the territory of ‘I’m doing so well oh my god’ and it really, really fucking hurt.

Harry didn’t always look that good, did he?

It must’ve just been her mind tricking her, now that he seemed so far away, sadness gripping at her vision and making the stabbing go deeper, make the regret flood higher.

Her head went back down and remained on the pillow, rolling her cheek to the side so she could still catch a glimpse or two of the screen, until Harry mentioned a kiss, when her face shot up and she genuinely felt the Indian dinner churn in her stomach. (Spencer had left it and Y/N wasn’t going to let a good take-out go to waste, not her fault.)

“Fucking hell,” she mumbled when she realized it was a kiss he had shared with James, not her. And that Harry was probably not even thinking about her, not when he was filming, or even after. He was probably at some after-show party, toasting to his great success, brushing off deals from TV executives dying to get his face on their cameras, collecting phone numbers of fantastic contacts who could get him anywhere in the world, meeting interesting people who he’d ask to paint his nails next week, and-

And then it happened.

“I have to be very honest, it’s not exactly how I saw my day panning out. Um, I was sat at home, two hours ago-” and his eyes shot down, blinking a bit more rapidly than normal.

It was a split second, but that was enough.

Y/N held her breath, gripping the pillow tighter. He had snapped out of some train of thought, and Y/N knew damn well that he had been thinking about the fight. Again, she knew it like a fact. It was just in her veins, she could tell.

He broke the set-back with some comment about his suit, but Y/N could tell his mind was still working on lurching back from the words, from the feeling, from the horrendous aftermath neither of them had approached fully, quite yet. Because he was on national TV and had to get his act together, but even the sliver of exposure, a hint at how wrecked he might’ve been inside, comforted Y/N. In a dastardly way, she knew, but it made her feel not so alone.

Watching him dance like an idiot was hard, too. Not because he looked like a sixth grader trying to break the awkward tension at the middle school dance, when all the boys were on one side and all the girls were on the other.

But because she found herself giggling and staring at her TV screen like she would if he were there, like he was an idiot and attention-seeker (which he totally was), and he would smile at her like he always did, a flash of teeth and a dimple poking into his cheek, his eyes watching her as she moaned about how shit his moves were. He’d then pull her against his chest, fingers lacing into hers, before he’d stumble off towards the makeshift dance floor at whatever house party they were at, making her walk backwards until she inevitably stumbled and his hand rested on the small of her back for support.

And then they’d dance together, using alcohol as an excuse and their friendship as a guise. She felt ridiculous now, because at the time she had understood them to purely be friends, and was convinced the sparks were in her mind alone. She used Marie’s existence as a barrier, an explanation as to why Harry’s hand lingering on her back was just him being too drunk to think much of it, a reason as to why Harry’s searching eyes was just him being him, being a cuddly drunk who liked to take up a person’s essence when he spoke to them. Who liked to make them feel special, because God knows the world never did.

It was after the episode, when she was laying on her couch in the sullen darkness after having turned off the TV. She was ten minutes into searching for a will to move over to her bed, when her phone buzzed again. She groped in the darkness to find the bugger, before her fingertips ran into the phone and she slid open the messages.

It was Harry, again, in the group chat.

What did you guys think? xx.

Nick responded immediately, letting Harry know that he had done a great job, and telling Harry off for never offering to fill in for Nick. Y/N looked at the screen, scrolling up through the day’s texts that had been between Nick and Harry exclusively, before deciding that 2 in the morning (which was never a good idea, she should have some sort of app that blocked her ability to text after midnight) was a good time to be an adult and respond.

Stupid jokes but the dogs were cute.

It was radio silence, which felt much longer as she found herself, yet again, staring at her phone. Waiting for something. Not being able to see the dots across the screen and wondering if it had been too much. Harry had texted the group chat, though, not Nick personally, so that was a strong indicator in itself that he was okay with her responding. Maybe the group chat was neutral territory for him.

No new messages came through from the group chat.

Y/N trudged up towards her bedroom, not feeling particularly surprised but still a touch disappointed.  Once her head hit the pillow, though, she was out like a light, too tired to mourn Spencer’s stuff littering the path to her bed. They’d work it out, she thought sleepily. It would be okay.

And in the nights following, she was too tired and cried-out to take notice of how much emptier her apartment was, with Spencer’s stuff in boxes. And eventually, Spencer’s stuff was gone.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Pretty wild color scheme.”

“Shuddup, it’s just gold, red, black, and forest green.”

“So, why is only the green’s shade specified?”

“Uhh, because fuckin’ Terry’s wife is gonna rip me a new one if it’s the wrong one?!”

Y/N let out a deep sigh and intensified the speed of her swivel, turning around and around atop of one of Nick’s barstools by his kitchen counter. She had been at Nick’s since 7 that morning, helping him set up for the party and reviewing every minute detail. Nick was an extravagant host, even if the actual events were fairly humble. The food was sure to be excellent, the music carefully planned out to be a seamless transition between most genres (except country, of course), and the booze was to be a continuous waterfall of good tides and cheer. What Nick did, he did well.

“Why’d you even invite Terry?” she yelled out the question towards the empty archway, hearing Nick shuffle around the bathroom to set up his fancy bath salts, so guests would think he was a luxe man with pubes smelling of vanilla caramel.

“He’s a family friend,” Nick yelled back, before pausing. “No, that’s not quite right. He’s...uh...I don’t know Y/N, but I think he’s bloody important o’ summat.”

“Right, right,” she murmured, slowing down as Blob padded closer to her. Pig sat in their new dog bed a few feet away, looking glumly at Y/N as she knelt down to pet the small, excited pupper.

“Oh you like your new bed, don’t you? Don’t you?” she cooed as the dog flopped its tongue out, licking at Y/N’s hand softly as she scratched behind the ears. According to Nick, Harry had dropped by the previous night to bring over his Christmas gift. It was most likely to avoid seeing Y/N until he absolutely had to, as the pair hadn’t spoken since their fight a week ago.

Y/N wasn’t sure what to think, even after a week.

She had brought in Nick’s new painting earlier, after giving him the heads up a couple days before so he wouldn’t have an additional thing to worry about, and it now was placed over his couch. Nick had fallen in love with it, dramatically kissing Y/N’s cheeks as if they were in an old-fashioned film together, praising her for her magical abilities of knowing what he liked. As if they hadn’t gone to countless galleries together, with Nick taking careful notes of his likes and dislikes that he would send out to his friends as a personal memo later in the evening.

Y/N had a lot of love in her heart for Nick.

“Your gift’s coming in late, I’m afraid,” he had informed her, and she shook it off with a grin and a wave of her hand. She didn’t particularly mind, the gifts weren’t the highlight of her holiday season, anyway.

“Alright, how’m I on time?” Nick called out, and Y/N reached down into her back pocket to withdraw her phone. “About two hours before the early birds show up,” she replied, knowing that some of Nick’s friends liked popping in as early as possible in order to excuse their early good-byes. And Nick didn’t mind, in fact he held a great deal of appreciation for those who came early. The party’s swing/vibe/mood/whatever Nick called it that night would have a chance to launch before others showed up, and there was rarely a moment of quiet once the actual assigned time of the party rolled around.

“I should go and get ready, can I use the guest bathroom?” Y/N asked, groaning as she stood up and made her way over to where Nick was stacking extra toilet paper beneath the sink. Always the planner.

“Yeah, just don’t mess up the soap arrangement.”

Y/N blinked, before nodding and briskly turning around, walking back to where she had laid her duffel bag in the guest room. The plan was for her to spend the night at Nick’s; ever since she and Spencer broke up, things had been rough. Shadows turned into abysses of isolation, and an empty apartment housed nothing but reminders and negative spiral thinking.

It had been rougher than she could put into words, what it felt like to lose her boyfriend and one of her best friends at the same time. It felt like a wrench hitting her chest, every time she would check her phone instinctively for a text from either of them, before remembering they had their reasons to be staying away. And who could she blame but herself? Even with Nick, conversation would come to an unnatural still point when Harry’s name would’ve been mentioned. Which was infinitely more often than Y/N would’ve realized, if things had been normal.

Y/N spent more time than she would’ve, inspecting her reflection and making sure her outfit fit her body how she wanted it to. She was dressed comfortably; Grimmy didn’t throw a gala dress code into the invitation, and it was hard enough to survive in the LA heat without worrying about a face full of makeup.

She was still trying, and she’d admit it too, how she wanted Harry to see her and not see the woman who had spent too long crying over men she had hurt and lost. Frankly, if the night went well, Harry wouldn’t even see her. They would miss each other by seconds the whole night, if luck was on her side.

(Spoiler: luck was never on her side).

With a deep sigh, she dusted one of her fluffiest makeup brushes over her face once more, reaching for the setting spray tucked in her bag.

“C’mon, you’ve got this,” she whispered to herself, but her reflection seemed unsure. “You’re just going to say hi to Harry and Marie, and then get massively drunk with your friends. But-” she snapped, as if reminding herself sternly, “-you’re going to lock yourself in the guest bedroom before things can get out of hand,” she wagged her finger, “Don’t need to be making a fool outta yourself.”

She gave herself a stern nod, twisting around to see how the back of her outfit looked, and gave an agreeable thumbs-up to the mirror. The woman standing before her seemed put together, like nothing had ruined her holidays, and Y/N was more than willing to play the part for the night.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The party was a thriving mix between a celeb-filled gala and a small house-party, with recognizable faces by the punch and fireplace, but everyone was swaying, dancing, and not using that high-pitched laugh and poised manner in the way they’d stand in groups at more formal events.

Nick’s closest friends weren’t the type to blab to the media about who was seen with who, wearing what, etc., and Y/N loved Nick’s parties for that reason. Not that she would’ve been sought out, by any means, with her casual mention in articles about the “normal women” Harry Styles hung out with, and whether or not she was a lesbian. But it still meant she could cut loose a bit more, not worry as much about the people around her being documented and thus her, to an extent.

Harry thought it was a good party, too, as he held open the door into Nick’s entryway.

Neon lights streamed down the wall as he helped her take off her coat, which hadn’t been necessary with the Los Angeles warmth, but she still wanted to bring it in case the night-time introduced a new sense of frigidity into their December. Harry had done the same, mostly to please her, and hung his own up on the rack.

She was positively glowing, and Harry couldn’t keep the smile off his face as he, hand wrapped in hers, brought her through the mass of people.

He stopped to say hi to several people he vaguely knew, especially when they reached out to stop him and gush over the woman next to him.

“Harry! Lovely to see you again. Who’s this?” the group nearest the door cried out, drinks in one hand, a cigarette tucked between their fingers, and random Mardi Gras beads slung over their necks.

Harry wrapped his arm around her shoulder, almost protectively, as she blushed.

“This is my mum, Anne,” he said, his dimple deepening as his mother stuck a hand out and greeted them.

Harry didn’t know all of Nick’s friends, but the majority of them certainly knew of him. He and Anne had quite a few people to get through before they could make their way towards the bar.  Will, Bryson, Monica, Patrick, and Terry were all overjoyed to finally meet Harry’s mum, as they had put it with a mock English accent that made Harry cringe internally, and even Terry’s wife was pleased to meet her. She did, however, insist to know Anne’s opinion on the shade of the napkin’s green compared to the half-inflated balloon behind the ottoman in the living room.

“It’s just atrocious, I truly think Nick’s color-blind,” Terry’s wife widened her eyes, and Harry prayed to the heavens above to help him keep his laughter in check.

Anne didn’t really have an answer for that one, and Harry made sure to hurriedly whisk her off to find the punch bowl. Nick was around somewhere, most likely about to start a round of Waterfall to keep his friends friendly and drunk. Harry wasn’t too sure if he wanted his mother to join in on that, despite him knowing that Anne was more than willing and often was more of the life of the party than he was, so he poured themselves both a water at the bar.

Set to the sound of Post Malone rapping about rock stars and drugs, the party was going well. Conversations began and ended and flowed together into a sea of words, laughter, and the occasional yelling. Anne’s eyes were sparkling as she took a sip, scanning over the decorations against the walls, and lingering on the painting behind the couch.

“Is that one new? I like it,” she asked, and Harry leaned down to hear her properly, before looking the way she had been. His eyebrows came together, before he recognized where he had seen it before, and with pursed lips, he nodded. Anne looked a touch confused at his reaction, but shrugged it off, turning her attention to the hired entertainers who were making their way through the crowds.

Harry was wearing a thick knit white sweater with black jeans, the pockets of which one of his hands seemed to be stuck within. His posture was slightly bent, his eyes scanning over the crowd again and again, with his hand holding his drink occasionally rising to push his hair to the other side of his head, before fixing it. A few minutes later, the process would start again, and Anne recognized the nerves in her son from a mile off.

The pair of mother and son were talking to each other and those around them, as conversation tended to peak and intensify when Harry Styles entered the building, and everyone wanted to meet his mother and tell her all sorts of embarrassing stories about him. She took it well, gasping at the proper times and laughing at some of her son’s antics. Harry had the sense to look sheepish, but she could tell something was still off.

It was when they were alone again, Nick’s friends trying to hunt down the appetizer tray of fancy cheese sticks, that Anne realized what was happening. His eyes seemed brighter, caught by someone across the room, a new flush in his cheeks that wasn’t due to the eggnog they had switched over to, a bit earlier.

Anne’s attention was taken off the magician who was pulling someone’s card out of their shoe, distracted by finding the person Harry was staring at. The music swelled in the moment, crescendo-ing against the air, which suddenly warmed and the lights were a touch brighter. He didn’t notice his mother straining her head to look through the crowd, the way she turned again to see the direction in which he was looking, before settling back on her heels when she recognized Y/N.

The woman was standing by the fireplace, holding a half-full glass of drink as she was laughing with a small cluster of people. A man with a heavy beard and thick mustache was speaking to everyone, his hands out wide and exaggerated as he spoke, and his audience seemed thoroughly engaged, breaking into raucous laughter at the right moments. A string of Christmas lights were around some people on the duvet behind Y/N, and occasionally she would step to the side so the lights wouldn’t get caught around her feet.

Anne recognized Y/N easily, especially since she had followed her on Instagram and wasn’t an absolute idiot. Harry had mentioned Y/N quite a bit, more than he would a normal friend, as if he was trying to make sure his mother knew that name in particular.

She had figured there was something there that hadn’t been brought up yet, with how Harry would retell Y/N’s jokes and talk about how “wonderful” she was, which had soon become both a compliment of Y/N’s personality, and a way for him to address what she meant to him. Her assumption had come to an abrupt halt earlier in the night, when she had asked if Y/N was going to be there as well, and Harry had responded with a grunt of, “We aren’t talking.”

As if that were an answer, but Anne supposed it was an answer within itself.

“Stop staring,” she murmured to her son, unable to hide the smile growing on her face. She could see they were on the rocks at the moment, with how quickly he had shut down the conversation about Y/N, but seeing her son light up at the very sight of a woman (one who seemed to have her head on her shoulders) warmed her heart.

Anne worried about him frequently, how often he was alone, in strange cities, in strange countries, not knowing many people but everyone feeling like he owed them something. It had been a comfort, hearing Y/N’s name so often and knowing he had a good friend back in LA, one who he could talk to from various time zones.

And, if Y/N’s Instagram posts were anything to go by, Harry was just as special to her.

“I’m not staring,” Harry grumbled, taking another sip of his drink. With a sigh, he paused, before taking another swig of it and not letting his eyes roam back to Y/N’s corner anymore. He instead focused on the magician, humming in distant surprise as someone’s card was found.

Anne shook her head, a gentle smile on her red lips.

"You're staring, dear. And she's looking back, you just don’t see it."

And it was true, that when Harry would duck his head down, Y/N would lift hers, worry creasing her forehead lightly as she eyed him up and down. When she spotted the woman standing next to him, Anne clearly recognized tension, and perhaps the faintest smidge of jealousy, from the tightness in the girl’s shoulders, before she recognized Harry’s mother and raised her fingers in an embarrassed wave.

Anne waved back.

“Go talk to her, you don’t need to stay with me all night. I know Paul in the other room, I can go play Scrabble with them.”

“I’m not ditchin’ my mum,” Harry said sternly, taking his hand out of his pocket to hold onto hers. She held his hand tightly, giving it a squeeze, eyes crinkling as she smiled. “You’re my date tonight, the only one I wanna talk to.”

Anne’s face then shifted to look less than impressed, choosing to just stare at her son until he dropped his shoulders and sighed.

“I don’t even know what t’ say, mum. Last time...it just didn’t go well. ‘N she’s probably here with Spencer.”

“Spen-who?” Anne asked, shaking her head.

“Her boyfriend.”

“You can still talk to a woman with a boyfriend, Harry. She isn’t going to slap you like she’s exceeded the amount of men allowed in her life.”

Harry was disgruntled, eyes quietly shifting to Y/N, before realizing she was looking back at him. In a way he couldn’t quite put his finger on, but it made the lights dim lower and the crowd noise lessen, and his heart picked up a tiny bit and-

“I’m going to go play some Scrabble,” Anne mused, drifting off to go find Paul and beat his ass with eight-syllable words. She gave one last glance at her son, who was still staring at Y/N, before humming to herself. He’d figure it out eventually.

Harry walked near the group Y/N was in, his hands in his pockets, his drink abandoned in the kitchen, and his head ducked a bit low. He was trying to be casual, walking through the crowd of people as though he hadn’t a destination in mind. Whether this failed or not, he wasn’t sure, because he could feel the heat of Y/N’s eyes on the side of his face as he walked by.

“Haz!” Nick cried out, tugging on Harry’s sleeve so the younger man stumbled into the group. When he lifted his face to smile at Nick, he saw Y/N out of the corner of his eye, staring as she sipped on her drink. Harry looked over at her, though, wondering if she’d hold the eye contact, but her head snapped to the side, her attention suddenly on Samuel and his story about Sea World and aliens.

“How’s the party?” Nick asked his friend, and Harry could tell by the dazed look in Nick’s eyes that he had thoroughly enjoyed the eggnog thus far, and was having a grand time himself.

“Lovely. Heard you’ve got fancy salts ‘n your bathroom,” Harry replied, a cheeky grin on his face at Nick’s weird antics. Nick laughed, a booming sound as he pulled Harry in closer, giving him a tight hug.

“Love yeh, man,” Nick mumbled into Harry’s neck, and Harry squeezed his best friend tightly in response.  They were cuddled together, arms around one another and Harry’s legs somewhat on Nick’s lap. Harry couldn’t properly explain what came over him at that moment, but he leaned in closer to Nick and whispered.

“Why isn’t Spencer here?”

Harry knew what Spencer had looked like, and might have even looked up the man’s Instagram earlier on in the day to make sure he’d be able to recognize the sharp jaw, the green eyes, the shaggy hair. But nobody at the party fit that description, and Harry knew if he were at a party with Y/N, he would never leave Y/N’s side. Especially not when she was glowing like that, with her eyes sparkling. Which meant only one thing: Spencer didn’t come.

Nick froze for a second, before looking at Harry. It was as if he were looking Harry up and down, trying to decipher his motives, before determining him worthy enough for the information.

“They broke up three days ago.”

Harry looked away, nodding lightly as he processed it. Regret welled up against the back of his throat, when he realized that he hadn’t been there for Y/N when she must’ve been hurting, and panic simultaneously gripped at his collarbones when he wondered if he had anything to do with it. Not that Harry was particularly big-headed, but the timing of the two events seemed to be too close to be a coincidence.

After a few minutes of the group discussing various topics, none of which captured Harry’s interest, the people began moving around. Samuel went to go find his ex, Tom, in hopes of rekindling a lost love, and Jarisel wanted to show Rita how to make her special Christmas cocktail.

Soon, it was only Nick, Harry, and Y/N left.

And Harry felt positive in that Y/N would’ve walked away already, if the situation were different. Because there was no way she wanted to stay in the awkward atmosphere, with Harry staring at the carpet and Nick rambling about how stunning Leo looked in tight jeans. But no, she wanted him to be the one to leave. Harry knew this by how her eyes would flicker up at him, her jaw clenched and her straw stuck between her teeth as she continued to sip on her drink. One, continuous sip it felt like, and Harry almost asked if she had any water. Because that’s what he would normally say, under normal circumstances, when he didn’t have a gaping hole in his chest.

“I want to make sure Leo sees my soap arrangements,” Nick declared suddenly, lurching forward to lift himself off of the couch. Harry offered an arm for his friend to use as support, to which Nick mumbled “thank yeh”.

Then, abruptly, it was just him and her.

He could feel her staring at him, as if he couldn’t see and as if it had no repercussions. Which it did, because everything she did impacted Harry, whether she knew it or not, and he couldn’t deal with those eyes looking at him anymore, not when he couldn’t tell what she was thinking. Not when he didn’t know if she regretted her words.

“What?” he snapped, glaring over at her, once he decided it had been long enough.

“Nothing.”

Her response was immediate. Her eyes didn’t stray away from his, and he was surprised to see that they were filled with curiosity as opposed to hatred, which was what he had been expecting. It was a relief, partially, but it also made him more upset, perhaps irrationally so. He wanted her angry, because that was the only way he could justify his own.

“No, what?” Harry repeated himself. She was stood, still, by the fireplace. The couple behind her had moved, most likely to find an empty closet or bathroom. Harry was sat on the couch, on the arm rest because Nick had been sitting on the couch and Harry hadn’t moved, and it was all pretty useless because that’s where they were, and Harry didn’t know who would move first.

By some coincidence, they were alone in that space of the party, a bubble of tension in the midst of so much cheer and friendly commotion. A distant yelling was heard from the living room, where Nick and Leo had been caught under the mistletoe.

“I’ll tell you later,” she mumbled, and had the decency to look away once she recognized the fire in his eyes. Y/N wasn’t sure how to express it, the anger she had before the party, the relief of seeing Anne, and the irritation of having so many questions she didn’t feel she had the right to ask.

“No, yeh can tell me now.”

“Fine,” Y/N relented rather quickly, perhaps agreeing that it was best to get it over with, leaning her head back to finish her drink before setting it down on a stray coaster. It slammed a bit loudly, and a few other party-attendees glanced up at Y/N in drunken interest. She didn’t look over, though, her eyes set on Harry. “Let’s go outside, then?”

Harry nodded, agreeing silently that it needed to be a private discussion. They were too somber for the party right then, anyway, with Harry cutting his way through the crowd to pick up his coat from the front, and Y/N following right behind him. They slipped through one of Nick’s back exits, out to his backyard.

It was Los Angeles, but the night air still felt cold. Perhaps it was the atmosphere, with Harry refusing to make eye contact with Y/N, and her feeling very hesitant to say the first word. She felt like a voodoo doll, waiting for the next prick, anticipating the way her heart would be shredded once again. It had been a rough week and encountering Harry while drunk couldn’t end well.

“So, Marie couldn’t make it?” she found herself asking, and shut her eyes in frustration. Those weren’t the words she meant to say, and Harry didn’t seem to appreciate it either.

“Haven’t seen her in a few weeks,” he confessed, running his hand down his jaw. It looked more scratchy than he usually preferred it, and Y/N had half a mind to ask what else had changed.

There was still no nail polish on.

“And all the models on my phone couldn’t make it either. Cause that’s the only reason I’d bring my mum, yeah? All the women I’ve been fuckin’ were too busy being meaningful elsewhere.” He breathed out harshly through his nose.

They were roughly halfway across Nick’s yard, pacing without a sense of direction towards a group of trees. The wet grass squished against their shoes and their hands buried in their coat pockets, each of them looking down at the soil instead of at each other. Harry walked on ahead, his pace slower than Y/N’s as she trailed behind, swinging out her feet as she walked so it wouldn’t seem so rushed. It felt awkward, and Y/N began to wonder if she would ever feel normal around Harry again.

“Harry...”

He wasn’t finished.

“I just fuck models and break hearts, isn’t tha’ right?” he asked bitterly. His eyes were more vulnerable, though, flicking finally to her face, and countering his words with an exposed sort of plea. Asking her to not to agree, begging her to insist that he was who he thought he had been, before her words had made him rethink everything.

“Dunno if I can say, it’s a bit hard to see all the way down here from the bare minimum,” she retorted, feeling upset for him but also pissed off for herself. He had no right to say that, and she was going to make it clear as day that she had a damn right to be hurt, as well. The sway in her mind, the way the air nipped against her skin and made her feel more grounded than tipsy, collided against her breath as she glared at Harry.

Harry bit his lip.

“I didn’t mean it.” he whispered, hoarse and pleading.

“I didn’t mean it, either,” Y/N admitted, deflating somewhat and shrugging her shoulders up so her coat would cover more of her neck. Their voices had changed from accusatory to more of a soft confession, like they were sat at candlelight in a rickety pub, hands in the other’s and their words a hushed apology. But, in fact, they were stood in a lavish area of town, in the dank cold, their words the only sounds surrounding them.

“I just got angry, wasn’t the right thing to say.” Harry continued.

“Why were you angry?” She felt it was a fair enough question, as their discussion a week ago had obviously escalated beyond ordinary conversation, but Y/N still felt a bit lost as to why things had gotten so out of hand. She felt there were tensions about their kiss, unspoken words that she was nervous about approaching.

"I can’t feel those certain things, love. I..just can’t.”

“What things?”

Harry sighed, stopping suddenly in the grass and turning to face her. Y/N shuffled around a bit, looking down at the ground, before back up at Harry. They held eye contact for a few moments, both of them unsure of how the other felt, before Harry furrowed his brows, a deep concern setting in the lines of his forehead.

“Stop starin’ at me like that,” he tilted his head, trying to keep his emotions at bay.

“Like what?” she diverted her eyes regardless, feeling a rush of embarrassment as if she had been caught doing something she wasn’t supposed to.

“Like yeh...” Harry swallowed harshly, and in the moonlight Y/N could see a tear make its streak down his face. His hand went up to quickly brush it away, but as he blinked, a few more dropped against his cheeks. His eyes flicked up towards the stars as he tried to keep them in, before he let out his answer.

“Like yeh care.”

It was weak and vulnerable, his voice cracked on the end and Y/N realized she hadn’t understood the concept of heartbreak before that second. Because right before her stood a man, a boy named Harry, who had his heart on the line, with all its bruises and scars, and he could do nothing about it. She had a glimpse of him without any type of facade, even the normal ones that people carry with them daily, and all he could do was stand there and wait.

He couldn’t bring himself to believe that she cared. Because the implications of that messed with his mind, and he had been so hurt by her rejecting him before, that he was overwhelmed and at a loss as to how he should interpret her words or her actions.

“Of course I care, Harry.”

He watched her silently, his eyes moving to scan hers. They were still wet, tears collecting at the inner corner, but they didn’t budge from behind his eyes. She supposed hers looked similar, as her vision had blurred considerably and she felt the deepening weight on her chest which meant she would be crying soon, too.

“What am I to yeh?" he lifted his chin up, his confidence in the questions building up incrementally as she hadn’t run away yet, as she still stood there and they seemed to have gotten over their insults and petty attacks.

“You’re kind. So fucking kind, nicest person ever, I swear. And you’re well read, and smart, and giving, and beautiful, and fuck Harry, I don’t know how to explain-”

“How can I be enough for you?”

They were both crying. Harry in particular broke first, his voice cracking on the last word and his eyes filling up quickly with tears. He still stood firm in front of her, making no apology for his words or his crying – he needed an answer, and the way her cheeks were watered by running tears made his chest ache. His lips stretched out in a thin line as he attempted to hold his own tears at bay, but it didn’t work.

“What-” Y/N felt herself blubbering, and she raised a hand so her sleeve could cover her mouth for a brief moment, as she tried to collect herself. Blinking away the tears made her eyelashes thick and stick together.

Harry was still staring at her.

He needed an answer, he needed to know what to do. Harry had felt that loss, when he thought Y/N was pushing Marie onto him as a form of rejection, that he couldn’t offer her what she needed. He knew he couldn’t offer the stability Spencer did, seeing as he had to leave in a few months to go travel the world again.

His plan for the first tour was just to get to know Y/N better, to see if there was anything worth pursuing when he had the ability to commit, but he had come to the brutal realization that he might have genuinely not had a chance. That he wanted to be more for her, but all he could offer was Harry.

Y/N felt a devastating sadness for Harry, it crashed against her bones and sunk her heels into the ground. Nothing made proper sense to her, yet, but she knew that a piece of her had stayed with Harry, ever since he had left for his first round of touring. She knew that she cared for him so deeply, it hurt sometimes. It hurt on the good days, and it was torture on the bad ones. And perhaps it hurt because she restrained herself from fully showing it, for whatever reason her brain could provide.

“Why’d you kiss me?” she asked.

It seemed like no one was getting answers that night, with how the bullets had been fired and how they had both been reduced to tears. Harry’s own had slowed down some as he transitioned into numbness, into the state of being were he could take whatever rejection Y/N might’ve had saved up for him.

“I...I wanted to. And you wanted to, right?”

“Yeah. I did.”

The numbness was fading away, and Harry saw a glimpse of what hope might’ve looked like.

“I had gotten to know yeh a little better since we’d met, and I just needed to know.”

Y/N held her breath, after uttering a, “Need to know what?”

“Just...” he took the few steps that brought them closer, and from this distance she could see his face more clearly, and her gut felt wretched and raw but he was still beautiful. Because Harry was simply beautiful to her, because he was a good person and she perhaps wasn’t at the stage of ‘love’ yet, but there was a yet and that in itself spoke so loudly.

“Are you going to?” she whispered, as if anything louder would hurt them more.

“Can I?” It was more than a question of whether he could duck down and narrow the distance even more, but a question of if she would stay this time. If they could talk it through, if this could be a Beginning instead of just another Moment. It was a question of whether they could do this, without breaking each other again.

“I-I just broke up with...” her eyes had been caught by his lips, staring as his hands reached forward. His fingertips touched hers, gently curling around them until he had both of her hands firmly in his hold. His thumb moved over her skin, and a small ripple of a shudder made its way beneath her jacket.

“I know,” he whispered, and Y/N swore his eyes had galaxies in them. The tears worked like a magnifying glass, intensifying the gleam in his his pupils. “And I know we’ll be sensible tomorrow mornin’, but let me have tonight?”

He was staring down at her lips too, one of his hands untangling from their hold. His thumb moved to rest on her bottom lip, gently but still weighed against her mouth, his eyes flickering up to meet her own.

“Can I have tonight?”

Y/N nodded, her mouth opening to speak but no words came out. His thumb almost went in her mouth, like it was an instinct of his, but then his palm reached out to cup the side of her face, holding her cheek as if she were fragile, as if she were going to disappear with the sun and all he’d be left with were memories.

This kiss was different from their first.

With the first kiss, tucked away in her kitchen against memories of wine and gnomes, Y/N didn’t know much about Harry. She had been surprised by how gentle he had been, how soft his lips were, and how quickly he had gotten wrapped up in the moment.

This time, she knew.

She now knew the lip scrub that he used was one his mother’s friend made, back at home. She knew that he used to own the butterscotch one, but he had switched to vanilla a few weeks ago. Vanilla was his favorite, but sometimes he liked switching it up for the various lip tints that each flavor came with. And she knew that he would always purchase the lip scrubs in person, going to his mother’s friend’s shop and greeting her with a warm hug and leaving with a bag full of balms and scrubs.

She knew that he liked to have his hair pulled when he was kissed, but that it sent a special sort of shudder down his spine if she were to lightly move her fingers up the nape of his neck, brushing against the tiny hairs before locking around the thicker ones. She knew that not many people knew he liked it, and she knew that he was surprised, a staggered groan coming from his throat, that she had remembered.

She knew that when it took a second for Harry’s eyes to close, it was because he needed to see her for a moment longer. She knew that he wanted to see her eyes close, to see her briefly before letting himself feel her.

He kept his lips closed again too, this time, more focused on getting them both acquainted with an aspect of the other that had remained behind (but not forgotten) for over two months.

What neither of them had expected, however, was the feeling of coldness on their cheeks. With his hands still against her skin, thumbs lightly on her jaw and his fingers clasped against her neck, Harry leaned back a bit, sighing as he did so, as if he were reluctant to break away just yet.

Y/N’s eyes were still closed, her lips rosier than before. His attention was caught by that, before she opened them to look at him, and then at his cheek.

“You’re crying still,” she murmured, her hands moving from his hips to brush off one of the tears. Harry smiled, a wobbly, teary sort of smile, and his own fingers brushed at her cheek. Her smile was similar, because she knew just as well that she had a few tears left to squeeze out.

“Yeh are too, love.”

“I’m just really sorry, Harry-” and her eyes squinted together, and Harry could see the blurry signs of more tears to come, so he did what felt instinctive. He pulled her in close, breathing in deeply as she immediately fit against his body, like they were puzzle pieces. His hands moved to wrap around her waist as he held her, tucking his head on her shoulder and speaking softly in her ear.

“I’m sorry, too. Shouldn’t’ve said anything, didn’t mean it. Swear I didn’t, I know you’re working hard.”

Y/N had her head in the crook of his neck, and reached forward to press kisses against his skin. She could feel him swallow hard, as his grip on her tightened and he kissed her shoulder. They shifted from speaking with words to kisses, which spoke more than they could’ve vocalized at the moment.

He pressed short ones to her lips, harsh and desperate, and the two of them eventually started grinning against the slowing tears, laughter bubbling out of Y/N when Harry missed her lips and kissed her Cupid’s bow instead.

“Think it’s so funny...” he grumbled, his eyes roaming her face as if he hadn’t ever seen her properly before. She bit her lip and shrugged, her hands slipping beneath Harry’s coat, both for warmth and to have a better grip on his waist as she tilted her head back. Standing on her tiptoes, she was about to kiss him gently on the nose, when a voice broke through the dark of the night.

“Hey, Y/N!”

While Y/N moved to take a step away from Harry, the man only held her tighter against him, pressing a quick kiss to her forehead before looking in the direction of the house.

“What, Nick?”

“Did you buy extra hummus? We ran out, can’t find any in the fridge.”

Nick seemed completely unfazed by his two best friends huddled in the dark together, Y/N’s hand on Harry’s ass and Harry staring at Y/N like she put in the moon in the sky. Nick just kept his eyes on Y/N.

A slight grin might’ve been twitching on his lips, though. He had been rooting for them, after all.

“Uh,” Y/N looked quickly at Harry, and he murmured a go ahead, it’s okay, before she turned back to Nick. Harry’s arms dropped from around her body, and Y/N walked over to the house, as Harry stood alone for a quick second to readjust.

“I think I did, but we might’ve snacked on it before the party,” she confessed, approaching Nick, who was leaning against the door, his arms crossed and a suspicious amount of faint lipstick on his neck.

“Ugh, damn. Leo really likes Sabra, he says it changed his life,” Nick muttered, before glancing back over at Harry.

“Hey,” he whispered, nudging Y/N with a ridiculous grin on his face. “Who kissed first? Anne’s said you’d do it, but I’ve got a tenner on Harry. Think he’s got the balls.”

Y/N tried to make an angry face, to do something that showed how annoyed she was that Harry’s mother and Nick had placed bets within the time span of the party, but the pleased grin on her face couldn’t fade away for the world. She didn’t really mind, anyway, so long as she made half Nick’s profit.

“Harry.”

“Thank fuck,” Nick brought his hands together, eyes going to the sky briefly. “Anne’s gonna have to pay up.”

Y/N swatted at Nick’s arm, but the older man dodged it easily. He didn’t seem bothered by the redness in both of their eyes, as Harry walked closer, knowing his two besties were being emotional lil shits again and just getting their feelings out. He just stood there, grinning at them like he hadn’t seen them in years.

“We all good, then? Don’t have to cancel our threesome for New Years, do I?” Nick crowed, slapping his hands on their backs and looking between them. Harry was still drawing himself out of the haze of the night, the eggnog working a bit against him in terms of speed. Y/N was all bright-eyed and rosy-lipped, and Nick wondered what the acceptable length of time was before he was allowed to tease her to death. Harry always took a few days before he’d understand it was just a joke.

“Oh, Nick...” and when Y/N spoke up, Harry’s eyebrows furrowed together because she couldn’t be denying what happened outside, could she, “-just invite Leo and make it a foursome. I’ve totally called this, by the way,” she turned to Harry, raising her eyebrows and Harry rolled his eyes, a relieved sigh escaping his lips.

“Oh, the thing between Leo ‘n Nick? Totally obvious, dunno why he’s tried to ignore it,” Harry agreed, and it was Nick’s turn to pout.

“Guys, stop it! He’s just a friend, not my type at all,” he whined, before realizing that his best friends’ attention had been suckered in on the lipstick. Nick had the decency to look sheepish, running his hand down his neck and looking at the porch.

“I, uh...Merry Christmas!”

With that, Nick’s arms flew around Harry and Y/N both, holding them tightly against his body as he mumbled some nonsense Christmas songs he had hodgepodged together after his sixth round of eggnog. After a few moments of hugging, Nick looked up towards the sky (meaning to loudly thank Jesus Christ for dying on the cross for everyone, or something to that extent) before he realized a bunch of mistletoe had been taped up over their heads.

Yelling triumphantly, Nick placed a wet one on Y/N’s forehead and swung his head around to kiss at Harry’s closed eyelid.

“Merry Christmas, Nick,” Harry laughed, and Y/N kissed Nick’s neck, right next to where Leo had marked him up, a dopey grin on her face as the holiday spirit (ie, the eggnog) took full force over her body. Harry kissed the other side of Nick’s neck, to which the man giggled and complained about being ticklish.

“Merry Christmas, you filthy animal,” she teased, and Nick mumbled an incoherent response, understood to be full of well-meaning insults and Christmas-related jargon.

“Now yeh two kiss,”Nick instructed, stepping back from his friends. He pressed his palms together, obviously excited to finally witness a kiss, definitely still mulling over the fact neither of them had told him about the first one.

Harry looked over at Y/N, a soft smile on his lips as he leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss on her cheek.

“Merry Christmas, love,” he murmured, and Y/N’s heart skipped a beat as she said it back.

“I feel ripped off, that was a fucking disgrace of a kiss. You two been out here slobbering all over each other-” Harry burst out laughing at this point, “-and I don’t get to see a single second of it.” Nick groaned, slipping back inside and commenting loudly to whoever was by the door, that the hummus was gone and Y/N was to blame.

“Sorry!” Y/N called back towards Nick’s retreating figure, and Harry chuckled.

“Wanna go back inside? Don’t think you’ve met my mum yet,” Harry’s hand went down to hold onto hers, their fingers linking together naturally.

“Abso-fucking-lutely. Anne’s a legend,” Y/N shook her head, her free hand reaching up to pat down the corners of her eyes and wipe beneath, removing the messy bits of mascara. She didn’t want to look too much like a mess in front of Harry’s mother, after all. Harry didn’t seem to have that in mind though, his eyes still shining as he looked at her.

“Yeah, she is,” and Harry’s smile grew fonder as he roped Y/N in for another hug, the pair of them swinging in an odd three-legged walk back into the house, linked by their hands, into the warm, loud scene of singing, holiday cheer, eggnog, Scrabble, and good tidings.

A/N: And that is it - the last piece of the SNV. :’) For anyone wondering, I don’t currently have another bit in the works, but I always love to hear what you have to say! I hope you enjoyed! Let me know your thoughts here, and check out the rest of my works if you’d like!

[evgeniamedvedeva4u]

Exclusive: Evgenia Medvedeva Reflects on Difficult Transition Season, Newfound Love for Canada

TORONTO, Canada — It’s been quite a year for Russia’s Evgenia Medvedeva.

Around this time last year, the two-time World champion and two-time Olympic silver medallist sent shockwaves around the skating world when news broke that she was leaving her longtime Russian coach, Eteri Tutberidze, to train under Brian Orser and Tracy Wilson at the Toronto Cricket and Skating Club.

In a difficult transition season that saw her uproot everything in order to move across the world with her mother, Zhanna, the Russian teenager certainly hasn’t had it easy. Speaking in a narrow hallway at the Scotiabank Arenaahead of this year’s Stars on Ice show in Toronto, a relaxed Medvedeva reflected on her first season with her new coaching team, her newfound love for Canada — which she considers solely her new “work” home — and her first time touring in North America.

As anyone in figure skating will tell you, a lot can change in a few years. After winning back-to-back World titles in 2016 and 2017, Medvedeva was easily considered the most dominant force in ladies’ figure skating and seemed primed for Olympic glory. However, the unpredictability of injuries and the unexpected emergence of a compatriot three years her junior (Alina Zagitova) quickly saw that title slip from her grasp.

Determined to prolong her competitive career for as long as she could, Medvedeva made the decision to switch to Orser a couple of months after the Olympics, and she struggled in large part to recapture the same magic of her first two senior seasons. Through all her struggles, the 19-year-old admits that she was able to discover a lot of things about herself, thanks in part to her strong support system.

“I can say that I’m a really, really strong person,” she said with a big smile. “Last season, last year, I’ve just been through a lot of things — not always good things — through some bad things, but yeah… Now I’m here and things are going as it’s going and everything is fine.”

For a period of time, that did not seem to always be the case in a roller-coaster first season with Orser and Wilson. After winning a silver medal at the Autumn Classic International, the Russian managed to produce an incredible free skate to recover from a disastrous short program to place third at her first Grand Prix event, the Skate Canada International. With a shot at qualifying for the Grand Prix Final at her next event in Grenoble, France, Medvedeva barely missed the podium and, with it, her chance to qualify for the prestigious six-skater event.

A month later, Medvedeva returned to Russia to skate in her first competition on home ice since switching training bases at the incredibly competitive Russian Figure Skating Championships. With Orser by her side, the Russian didn’t know what to expect. When she made the unexpected switch last spring, she had inadvertently ended an unspoken trend that had become second nature for most of her compatriots: successful Russian skaters always stay in Russia. By becoming the sport’s first prominent Russian to leave the country to train with a non-Russian coach, Medvedeva did not know what sort of reception would await her in her unofficial homecoming. The result was better than anything she (or Orser) could have ever imagined.

Despite another disappointing short program that saw her sitting in 14th place going into the free skate, Medvedeva still received a hero’s welcome after both programs, which helped to finally put her at ease over a decision that she had mulled over for more than six months. With a 7th-place finish at this year’s Nationals, the 19-year-old left her homeland with a greater sense of purpose.

“That was really unexpected for me and so unexpected for all our team, ’cause Brian was, like, shocked a little bit and he would say that he never saw something like this in his life — that support, that energy that the crowd gave us at Nationals,” she said, beaming. “It’s really amazing and [at] Nationals, I started to feel confident in myself and started to understand that the real crowd really loves me.”

Due to her placement at Nationals, Medvedeva was not immediately selected by the Russian Figure Skating Federation to compete in the World Championships, but after winning the Cup of Russia, she became one of the three Russian women sent to compete this past March in Saitama, Japan. Despite sustaining an injury to her thigh, the two-time former champion managed to win the bronze, earning new personal bests in both the short and free programs in the process.

A couple of months later, Medvedeva says she feels much better now and just needs some time and practice to recover all of her triple jumps. While she struggled to find the words to describe the kind of technical strides that she has been making in the last 12 months with Orser and Wilson, the former World champion admits that she does feel like a completely different skater now than when she dominated the sport. “My body’s changed and the whole feeling of figure skating has changed for me in a good side,” she remarked.

“And I continue to improve my feeling of competitions ’cause the old ways that I went to competitions before, it doesn’t work at all anymore, so I have to find new ways to prepare myself mentally and physically ’cause I’ve got a totally different body, a different mind and sometimes I’m trying to go back to my old ways but it doesn’t work!” she said, laughing.

“So, yeah, I will continue to find it and I know Brian and Tracy will work [with] me and help me with it.”

For someone who has already tasted success at such an early age, it goes without saying that this was the most difficult season of Medvedeva’s career. Once considered the heavy favourite at every event that she entered, the Russian now finds herself returning to the same competitions as a sort of dark horse, which she says is something that she is slowly learning to take in stride, along with the little things that she continues to learn about herself every day.

“I’m proud of that I’m not gave up and I’ve been in situations where I’ve really thought to give up, but I’m lucky that now I’ve got a lot of people around of me who always support me and will support me in all decisions that I will do,” she said, when asked about what she is most proud of looking back on her difficult season. “There’s all my friends, all my coaches — Brian, Tracy especially — [and] my mom, who is living with me here and put everything into my figure skating. That’s amazing to have a lot of many people like this because not everyone has that person [or support system].”

With the help of this crucial support system, as well as an incredibly diverse group of training mates at the Toronto Cricket and Skating Club, Medvedeva admits that she has gradually become more comfortable with the idea of living in Canada. As an avid coffee drinker, she raved about the simplicity of Tim Hortons. While travelling from Ottawa to Laval for this year’s tour, she even ate her first Beavertail, a classic Canadian fried dough pastry that is shaped like a beaver’s tail. (“[The] guys just bought a box of Beavertails and they said, ’Ah, she’s Russian! She never tried it!’”)

While she has learned to appreciate some aspects of the Western world, Medvedeva has stated repeatedly in past interviews that she has no intention of representing any country other than her motherland and in many ways, she still considers herself to be completely Russian.

“I can feel a difference [between Canada and Russia] but in this difference, I’m trying to stay myself, I’m trying to stay Russian and yeah, I feel like work home here. I don’t feel like home home and yeah, I miss my country, I miss my language sometimes. I changed the language, even my main language that I’m talking every day.”

In a year of firsts for the 19-year-old, Medvedeva’s competitive career is not the only thing that has seen a refreshing change of pace. For the first time in between seasons, the Russian has decided to join the famous Stars on Ice tour in Canada, a 12-city tour that will finish in Vancouver on May 16. Asked about what the experience has been like before her fourth show in Toronto, a very exuberant Medvedeva exclaimed, “This is a lot of fun!”

“I was a little bit worried in the first few days ’cause I had to learn a lot — a lot of steps, a lot of material — and I just can’t see how [other] guys are learning so fast. I was really worried ’cause I’ve always been so slow in remembering something, but in the last day, everything’s fine and I just relaxed a little bit. We’re just having fun, especially the ’90s number — that’s so much fun and we can feel like the crowd loves it.”

While skating show programs has been a nice change of pace for the two-time World champion, one would be remiss to think that she has not been conscientiously using the extra ice time between shows to perfect her jumps, particularly her triple salchow, which appears multiple times throughout the show.

Going forward, as someone who has become more known for her world-class artistry, Medvedeva is well aware of the current state of figure skating across all four disciplines, whose new scoring system has been designed to benefit those who attempt more difficult elements. It is a system that the Russian unfortunately knows all too well — after all, she was only 1.31 points away from capturing the gold last year in PyeongChang.

With her sights already set on going one better at the next Olympics in Beijing, Medvedeva has set a very ambitious goal for herself — one that she knows could take years to properly develop, let alone put to use in competition. “Quad salchow is my main goal for me for the coming season and I would like to land it clean — maybe step-out, maybe three turns, but somehow land it with no under-rotations,” she revealed.

“Now you can see how ladies start to do everything like this (jumping quads) and keep ladies’ figure skating [at a high level] and it’s really amazing. Not everyone [can do it], of course, but you’ll see sometimes a quad sal even looking like a trick. But there’s a lot of girls who still look like [young] girls and doing quads, and it’s really amazing and it’s our future of figure skating and this is life. Life is always improving in whole things and figure skating is improving too.”

“I’m ready to improve myself and I’m ready [and know] that learning quads can take a few years — same as triples. I didn’t learn all the triples or even one triple, like a triple flip, in one year — I didn’t. It was three years.”

As she attempts to develop one of the most difficult jumps in all of ladies’ figure skating, Medvedeva will also be looking to add new combinations to her repertoire next season, explaining that the process actually fascinates her and continuously pushes her creatively as a skater. “I can do a few combinations with the loop too, like not only salchow loop, but it’s much harder for me so I have to work on it to make it easy,” she said, referring to the new 3S-3Lo combination that she added midway through this season.

With the most difficult part of her transition now behind her, the 19-year-old has already announced on Instagram that she will skate her new short program to Matt Bellamy’s “Exogenesis: Symphony, Part 3” and her free program to music from Memoirs of a Geisha, a decision that she made entirely herself long before this year’s World Championships.

In terms of goals for the upcoming season, the 19-year-old kept things short and sweet but in a way that perfectly encapsulated the maturity that she has shown in the last 12 months: “I just want to find the way how to prepare myself and to learn as much as I can.”

With a strong support system in tow and the lessons of a roller-coaster transition season now under her belt, Medvedeva will be in for a real battle next season with the emergence of a very talented group of young skaters, but like a phoenix rising from her own ashes, there is now no question that she will emerge stronger than ever, poised to reclaim her throne atop the world of ladies’ figure skating.

Author: Max Gao

Source: https://medium.com/@MaxJGao/exclusive-evgenia-medvedeva-reflects-on-difficult-transition-season-newfound-love-for-canada-100f385316a4?_referrer=twitter

[mayquita]

Call Me (23/?) - It’s a Matter of Love

Hi again! As usual with this story, I changed my mind and I’m going to split the next chapter into two parts, first because otherwise, it would be super long, second, because I think the two parts work well as independent chapters and, finally, because I can post it earlier.

Thank you, everyone, for all your support, thanks for all your kudos, likes, reblogs, reviews and comments. It means the world to me :)

Special mention to @saraswans and @onceuponaprincessworld for your help, your suggestions and for always believing in me and supporting this story.

Summary: Emma loses her phone after a chase, but she finds a phone in a cafe just when she needs it most. Killian forgets his phone in a cafe when he is about to take a flight to Ireland. Killian makes a call to his own number hoping someone answers on the other end of the line. What will happen when Emma is the one answering the call?

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4Chapter 5Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8Chapter 9 Chapter 10Chapter 11 Chapter 12Chapter 13 Chapter14Chapter 15 Chapter 16Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22

FF.net Ao3

Chapter 23 - It’s a Matter of Love

Killian Jones loved Emma Swan. He had come to terms with that irrefutable fact for a while now. It was useless to deny it when he could feel it in all the fibers of his being like a warm feeling at times, making his stomach flutter or like a flow of sensations burning through his veins up to reach his heart in other occasions. But it was one thing to accept it and quite another to express it, at least with words.

That spiral of feelings had begun to set in early, maybe even from those first days when they were separated by an ocean and he hadn't even seen her face. What at first had been only a barely perceptible sensation was gradually increasing, causing a whole series of physical reactions in his body to anything related to Emma.

He had felt the need to pronounce the three words aloud for the first time just after his breakdown a few weeks ago. Back then, he had decided to hold them back, waiting to find a more appropriate, unique occasion, or waiting for the time to pass and for their relationship to take hold. Or simply waiting for Emma to confess her feelings. After all, she had been the one who had led all the steps of their relationship until now, right?

There were times when he found his need to pronounce the three words more manageable, moments in which his heart fluttered subtly as a reminder of his feelings. Those moments were interspersed with other occasions where the intensity of his feelings was such that he found it terribly difficult to keep his mouth shut, the words pushing hard and struggling to get out and be heard.

Usually, the little details were the ones that caused a more subtle reaction, like a warm sensation invading his body, and an imperceptible I love you caressing his lips. Sometimes those little moments caused a much more powerful reaction, catching him off guard, words burning on the tip of his tongue.

They spent almost every weekend together, most of them in his apartment, regardless of whether he had to work or not. On those occasions, it was usual for him to wake up with that warm feeling washing over him, not only on a metaphorical level, but also in the most literal sense of the word, with Emma's naked body entwined with his own.

Sometimes he managed to keep that warm feeling at bay, enraptured by the features of her sleepy face, by the soft smile she gave him before she even opened her eyes, or by her bright gaze through her half-closed eyes. Other times, though, the smile turned into a naughty smirk, the glint of her gaze giving way to a blazing fire, and her body burning against his. He was unable to keep his mouth shut in those amorous encounters, but he reserved the precious words for another, even more special occasion. Instead, he always tried to demonstrate his devotion to Emma using other ways.

His hands caressed every inch of her skin. I love you.

His lips and tongue savored every corner of her body. I love you.

His gaze bore into hers as he slipped inside her and let himself be enveloped by her warmth. I love you.

The moment both reached sweet release the words were momentarily forgotten, both his body and his mind too consumed by passion, leaving him unable to elaborate any rational — or even irrational, for that matter— thought.

That need to express his feelings out loud was a constant whenever Emma met Little Leo or talked to his nephew and niece through the screen. Somehow, the image of Emma interacting with children caused his heart to melt in the process. He would remain enthralled at times, simply observing their interactions, without bothering to intervene. It was easier to observe without being seen when they kept video calls with his family. Another thing very different was to stay spellbound during the Sunday brunch while Emma interacted with little Leo. That had earned him more than a joke from David and several dreamy glances and speeches about true love from Mary Margaret.

Emma was a complex woman, of that he was sure. He found it particularly enthralling when she decided to expose — or he managed to discover — some of the peculiarities that made her unique. There had been glimpses of her incredible potential back in Ireland, when she had revealed some personality traits over the phone. Now, after more than two months dating her, Killian was more aware than ever that beneath all those layers, behind that facade of a tough girl, there was a gem waiting to be discovered, waiting to show all its splendor.

Her attributes were not only limited to the physical aspect —her natural beauty was undeniable — not even to the features of her personality he was so attracted to. She was bloody brilliant in everything that she set out to do. She was much more than a simple bail bondsperson. She seemed to have an innate ability with all kinds of technologies and was especially good with website design, although she insisted that she had only taken a few classes a few years ago. She was a natural. Or maybe he was totally biased. No. She was really good, Will and Belle agreed with him.

She had taken seriously his suggestion to improve the Jolly Cruises website, taking advantage of every moment she had free to grab her laptop and work on a more innovative design. He could stay entranced for hours just watching her work, a concentrated expression, her lips slightly pursed, a small crease between her brows while staring at the screen as her fingers moved nimbly around the keyboard. She exuded an aura of efficiency and professionalism worthy of admiration, even though she was sitting on his couch in his living room. And the best part was that she was doing it simply because he had suggested it, without expecting anything in return. How could he not love such a wonderful person as Emma was? Again, the words burned in his throat as he watched her. His lips remained sealed, though and so they would until he found that ideal moment or until Emma got ahead of him, as usual.

 Friday, September 1, 2017

"We should go for a walk." Belle suggested, pointing to the exit with the pool cue she was holding.

Belle's words seemed to distract Will, failing in his attempt to hit his balls. "Bloody hell woman, do I have to remind you that we're on the same team?" He complained, a sullen expression on his face. For all answer, Belle arched an eyebrow in an unimpressed way. "It's almost midnight, we're playing pool and our glasses are still half full, why should we go for a walk?"

Killian chuckled quietly before pushing himself up from the stool and headed towards the pool table. "My turn." Ignoring his companions, he bent over the pool table, adjusting his position to get a better aim.

"I think it's an excellent idea. Going for a walk, I mean." This time it was Killian who lost his goal due to Emma's unexpected words, the white ball sliding down the green baize without even going near none of his balls. He raised his head as he shot an inquiring look at his girlfriend. She grinned at him as she put one arm around Belle's shoulders in a gesture of complicity.

It was a special night, the beginning of the long weekend since they would be celebrating Labor Day the following Monday. They were in one of their favorite bars, like every Friday night, carrying out one of their established routines lately. They used to go for a drink, play pool, darts or just hanging out together, enjoying the good company. The Nolans joined them on some occasions, when David's shift allowed it and they managed to find a babysitter for Little Leo. It was not the case this time, so that left only the two remaining couples.

"We haven't even finished the game." Will protested, both his voice and a scowl implying his obvious reluctance to leave the bar.

"Oh come on!" Belle rolled her eyes as she approached her boyfriend and pulled the pool cue out of his hands. "I'm doing ourselves a favor. We're losing, buddy."

"May I ask the reason for that sudden interest in going for a walk in the middle of the night?" Killian cocked his head to the side as he cast a curious glance at the two ladies.

"It's a long weekend." Emma shrugged. "And your schedules are clear for tomorrow morning, due to the holiday. We are in no hurry to go home.”

"I'm the one who makes your schedules, so she's right, I checked it." Belle added. "Besides, even though we’re already in September the temperature is still warm at night. We should take advantage of it before the cold arrives."

"And we're near the harbor, there's a good night view of the city from there." Emma looked at Belle with a conspiratorial gesture as she raised her hand for a high five.

Despite Will's initial reluctance, it was a fact that he was incapable of denying Belle anything. And neither did he to Emma, of course, not when both of them were being so convincing in their arguments. Resigned, Will took the contents of his drink in a single gulp and after casting one last glance at the ceiling, he reached out his hand pointing to the exit.

That's how they ended that night in early September, walking along the docks enjoying the warm temperature and the good company. Maybe the fact that they were a little bit intoxicated caused their inhibitions to disappear, or maybe the reason was that they were comfortable with each other. It was as if a feeling of camaraderie enveloped them, as if he had returned to the old days, when he was just a child, before everything went to hell, when one of the lads came up with a mischief and everyone else in the group decided to follow him, when it seemed that, despite all the miseries that could haunt them, they still saw the future as something promising, full of possibilities.

They felt like children that night, when Emma and Belle decided to use the pier as a catwalk while he and Will acted as photographers using their respective phones. She was radiant, her face illuminated by her bright smile and a special glow in her eyes. She swayed suggestively without a care in the world, sharing knowing looks with Belle as they posed for them.

His heart swelled as he filled his My Swan album with new content and watched Emma in awe through the screen. It was incredible how the lonely, guarded person he had first met had blossomed into the wonderful woman he had before him, so carefree, so affectionate to Belle, so happy.

As he held the phone in his hands —the device that had brought them together — an almost irrepressible desire to shout from the rooftops his love for Emma came up suddenly, the depth of his feelings struggling as never before to be revealed. He had to restrain himself, though, waiting to find another —more private— moment to confess his feelings. But he found it increasingly difficult to bite his tongue when his whole body was humming his love for her. Soon, he promised himself as he captured her captivating smile once more and kept it in the space reserved for his most precious memories.

 Monday, September 11, 2017

That unique moment never seemed to come, though. The first days of September brought an unusual activity to Killian's business, everyone seemed to want to go sailing taking advantage of the last vestiges of summer, before the fall came irremediably. Emma, on the other hand, had gotten a difficult case, an extremely elusive jumper. Catching him had become a challenge, although determination was Emma’s trademark, so Killian was convinced that she would get him sooner or later.

They were so busy that they usually only had time to share brief moments together and both of them used to fall down in bed —together— with no time for much more. At least sleep was something they could do at the same time, and if nothing prevented it, in the same bed, Killian's.

However, their time together was about to be reduced even further when a unique opportunity for his business arose. A group of friends had decided to enjoy the last days of their vacations together by sailing the seas, so they proposed him to rent the Jolly Roger for a small route along the coast that would last several days, which would provide him a substantial increase in his profits. They had expressly indicated that they wanted his ship, no other of his small fleet, so Killian had no choice but to accept the proposal and prepare to travel with them. The possibility of entrusting one of his employees with the task of captaining the expedition did not even go through his head, in any way he was going to stay away from his precious ship and remain oblivious to what might happen.

He had been tempted to reject the business opportunity though. The incipient profits and the fact that Will would accompany him as his first mate were not enough incentive, especially considering that he'd have to stay away from Emma for several days. You better get used to it, his inner voice kept reminding him. You will have to travel to Ireland soon and stay there for several months. Without her. He dismissed those ideas almost at the same moment they appeared in his mind, ignoring the tug of uneasiness that settled in his stomach every time that kind of thoughts began to haunt him. They would have time to cross that bridge when they reached it.

In the end, it was Emma who practically made the decision for him. She had gotten a clue that placed her jumper in another state. True to the determination that characterized her, she didn't hesitate for a moment to follow that hint and go after him, even if it meant traveling hundreds of miles away. After all, he would be sailing, wouldn't he?

Have Will and your clients already arrived?

Not yet, in half an hour.

Knowing you, I'm sure you've left the ship as good as new, all shimmering, polished wood and immaculate sails.

Killian was on the Jolly Roger's deck, exhausted after finalizing the preparations for the imminent arrival of his clients, but that didn't stop a smile from appearing on his face while reading Emma's text. In response, he took a picture of the deck and sent it to Emma, so she could check it out for herself. He had said goodbye to her —quite enthusiastically —a few hours earlier, since she would begin her road trip the next day. He had dedicated those hours to polishing, cleaning and equipping the ship with all the supplies necessary for the small tour. The result had been quite satisfactory but his considerable physical effort had taken its toll. In addition to his extreme tiredness, he needed to take a quick shower before the others arrived.

I knew it. As good as new. All ready to receive an unexpected visit.

His heart skipped a beat as his eyebrows knitted together in confusion, his fingers sliding quickly through the keyboard, searching for a clue to her cryptic message.

I'm afraid I'm not following you, love.

Look down towards the pier, sailor.

A wave of excitement seized him as he hurried to the railing, his gaze traveling across the pier until he spotted her. She was a vision. There were still a couple of hours for the sun to set, but its rays were doing wonders on Emma, bathing her with their luminosity and endowing her with an aura that made it impossible for him to take his eyes off his girlfriend.

His heart thudded in his chest in anticipation, the desire to hold her in his arms once more before parting humming under his skin.

"Hey there, sailor. Permission to come aboard?" Emma asked, a mischievous smile gracing her face as she began to climb up the access ramp.

A pleasant sensation of déjà vu hit him, taking him to that moment two and a half months ago when Emma first climbed on his ship, the first step of what would be an unforgettable experience aboard the Jolly Roger.

"Uhm, I'm not sure, love, since you keep forgetting my actual rank." As on the previous occasion, Killian leaned his elbow on the railing, resting his chin on his hand as he watched her ascent.

"Oops, I'm sorry. " She said, her tone not apologetic in the slightest even though she accompanied her words with the gesture of pressing the palm of her hand over her mouth. "Are you going to punish me, captain?" There was something almost obscene about the way she moved her lips to utter his range, causing his blood to run burning through his veins heading south.

"Mmm, tempting..." He closed the distance between them, wrapping his arms around her waist, his mouth a few inches from hers. Two could play this game. "But I prefer to know first to what do I owe the honor of this unexpected visit."

"Maybe I wanted to say goodbye again?" She muttered, placing her arms around his neck. Before he could react, her lips were on his in a demanding kiss with the ability to take his breath away and make his head spin. He responded with fervor, lost in the incredible feeling of kissing Emma again when he had already made up his mind that he would not see her for a few days.

Her lips did not leave his as her hands traveled over his body in an almost desperate attempt to remove his clothes. There was something urgent about her movements that made him think that maybe he wasn't the only one affected by their temporary separation.

A flash of lucidity crossed his clouded mind before he surrendered completely to the passion as he realized that they were making out on the very deck of his ship, exposed to anyone who might pass by. He was also aware of his condition after his previous physical exercise. Although reluctant, his lips parted from her enough to seek for her eyes.

"It's not that I'm complaining, Swan, but, uh, if I had known that you would come to visit me maybe I could have freshened myself up a bit." Killian pursed his lips slightly in apology as he pointed to his dirty, sweaty t-shirt.

"Don't care." She muttered, her lips searching his again insistently.

"So, you like a little dirty, eh darling? Good to know." He managed to mumble against her mouth. "But maybe we should take our activities somewhere more private?"

"Okay, take me to your quarters, captain."

The moment they entered his cabin closing the door behind them, he caught her between the nearest wall and his body pressed against hers. His lips began their exploration through the bare skin of her neck and collarbone, while his hands wandered through her delectable curves. The delicious sound that escaped from her mouth did nothing but increase his urge to take her right there.

"I'm afraid I won't be able to take my time with you, love, the clients will come at any time." Somehow, the possibility that they could be caught in this way only increased his arousal.

"I can be quick." She muttered as she unbuckled his belt in a fluid motion, as if to prove her point. "Besides, I may have talked with Will and suggested that he distract any possible client, since we're going to be a little busy." She bit her lower lip while throwing a disarming glance at him.

"You did it, didn't you?" He separated a little from her, watching her in awe. "You're a bloody marvel." He mumbled before capturing her lips with is own again. Somehow, Emma always managed to surprise him in the most unexpected situations, getting his love for her to grow in such a way that he found it increasingly difficult to restrain it. Maybe the moment to utter the words aloud had not yet arrived, but he had half an hour to show his feelings with actions, while their hearts, minds, and bodies generated new passionate memories that would accompany them in the following days apart.

When they emerged to the deck forty minutes later, Will was already there, alone. He gave them a recriminating look as he pointed to his watch.

"You're late, guys. Luckily for you, the clients have suffered a little inconvenience and will arrive in ten minutes, and yes, I say luckily because anyone who looks at your face will be able to figure out what you two have been doing below the deck." He crossed his arms over his chest and pressed his lips into a thin line trying to keep a serious expression, and failing miserably, the amusement written all over his face.

Killian couldn't help glancing at Emma. His friend was right, of course. Despite the fact that they had made an attempt to clean themselves up a bit, her hair still appeared slightly disheveled, her cheeks flushed, her swollen lips drawing a sated smile. He supposed that his appearance wasn't much different, but he couldn't care less.

Emma gave him a look of complicity before addressing Will. "Thank you, Will." The soft kiss she placed on his cheek caused his friend to blush, while Killian caught his bottom lip between his teeth in an attempt to suppress the grin that threatened to form. "See you soon. Take care of him for me, okay?" She muttered before reaching out to take Killian's hand.

"Don't worry, lass, he's in good hands." Will assured with a solemn expression.

"I'm right here, in case you haven't noticed." Why this habit of everyone talking about him as if he wasn't present? "And I'm already a grown man, I don't need anyone to take care of me, thank you very much." He added in a tone that was perhaps too smug as he frowned.

Emma snorted and mumbled something unintelligible that sounded like don't I know it while Will ignored him completely, addressing Emma again. "Good luck with the chase, see you soon." After making a subtle bow with his head he tapped him on the shoulder and stepped away, giving them some privacy to say goodbye.

The time had come to face the inevitable so Killian had no choice but to resign. With their hands entwined, he accompanied Emma until they reached the access ramp. Before descending, she cupped his face in her hands while bringing her mouth up for one last kiss. Her lips moved gently against his causing a warm sensation to spread through his body. "I'm going to miss you." Her whisper caressed his lips one more time before she moved away, starting down the access ramp.

"Even at the risk of sounding cheesy, I miss you already, Swan."

Her hypnotizing green gaze still lingered for a few seconds on his before she finally turned away from him.

"You got it bad, mate." Killian looked away briefly, watching as Will shook his head. " The Swan Girl has truly bewitched you."

He ignored his friend, but his lips curled into a reluctant smile. He turned his gaze back to Emma, who was moving farther and farther away. Suddenly, something fell on him, a kind of cloth. “What the hell, man?” He directed an inquisitive look at his friend.

"It's for your drooling, you know." Will smirked at him before continuing in a somewhat more serious tone. "She’s really good for you. You deserve it, you know that, don't you?”

No, he didn’t know it, he still found it difficult to believe that luck had finally fallen on his side, putting Emma in his path. Killian approached Will, reaching out to squeeze his shoulder. "The only thing I know is that we are the luckiest guys, mate.”

"We are, we definitely are." Will agreed, the wide smile on his face, a clear sign of who he had his thoughts on. An unexpected wave of affection over his friend, his faithful companion, seized him as his heart fluttered at the thought that they, his friends and family could finally see the real Killian, the one who had remained for too long half buried by the burden he carried.

After giving him a frank smile, he looked away to the dock, where he could still see Emma walking. He stayed there a little longer, enraptured, following her movements, reluctant to let her go. An idea appeared in his head at that moment, a kind of bet with himself. If she turns once more before disappearing from my sight, I’ll confess my feelings towards her the moment she returns. He held his breath as his stomach tightened into knots in anticipation as he watched her intently. Just as he was about to give up, Emma turned her head and gave him a bright smile full of promises. That was all he needed.

//

Thanks for reading. I’d like to know what you all think :)

Since the following chapter was part of the same original idea, its structure will be similar, although from Emma's POV.

@rouhn @couldnthandleit @teamhook @malec4everr @ijustwantyoucaskett-always@kmomof4 @resident-of-storybrooke @suwya @thisonesatellite @lfh1962

[littlejowo]

So I've made an AU. I'm on mobile, so I can't make a read-more, so I hope you like text walls! Forgive thr goofy sketches, though; this AU gets pretty angsty.

I've been referring to this as the Rogue AU, but it could also be referred to as a Future AU. It's mostly Donnie-centric, but I'll also explain the changes the others went through.

The premise of the whole thing is that Donnie gets kidnapped by Baron Draxum for his brains. Draxum wanted to force him to create various weapons, gadgets, and other such things. Obviously, the other turtles came to save Donnie.

What nobody expected, however, was for Donnie to go rogue and become a traitor.

He managed to break free of his binds, but instead of escaping with his brothers, he helped Draxum to drive them away.

For the next three years, Donnie worked with Draxum to turn as many humans as possible into mutants. He also made traps and weapons, and improved upon his battle shells. With Draxum's youkai tech, he was able to make and do things far beyond what he ever could with scraps and junkyard findings.

Donnie's reasons for helping were that he was tired of feeling unappreciated for his work, and like his brothers only cared about him when he made something he thought of as trivial or useless. He also felt that Splinter's love for him was conditional, whereas Draxum seemed to show genuine appreciation and adoration for Donnie.

Whenever his brothers came and tried to confront him about it, Donnie would tell a half-lie and say that he WANTED the world to be mutated, so that nobody would have to hide anymore. He played up his mad-scientist persona to the max, making it seem as if he cared more about the science behind the process than how it would affect people. The hurt he felt when his brothers believed it drove him even further into Draxum's clutches.

After three years, however, there was an accident.

Donnie grew tired of needing to wear battle shells. He wanted his real shell to be hard enough to protect him. So, he decided to take after Draxum and dabble in genetic modification.

He was not very good at it.

His shell remained soft. However, he grew much taller, until he was almost 8 feet tall. He managed to grow some thin facial hair, which he secretly loves. He also became physically stronger (even if not by very much), he became far faster than before, and his senses dulled slightly. Despite these changes that he admittedly liked most of, even if none of them were the intended effects, he ended up regretting it severely.

The next time he had to go into battle against his brothers, he found that there was one other side effect, and it was the most serious of all: When his heart rate went above a certain level, his form woulf change into what would later become known as his "hulk" form.

Depending on why his heart rate increased, this form would change slightly. In anger, he would become large and monstrous. In fear, he would become slimmer and more stealthy. In fluster, he would become more turtle-like and evasive.

During this first change, however, he lost control. He would become angry and deadly, and the realization that he wasn't himself led him to become the more fearful creature, and so on. His emotions ran wild, and his form became an amalgamation of all the creatures who's DNA he used to modify his own genes.

The battle had ended when Draxum foolishly tried to get Donnie under his control. Baron Draxum ended up severely injured, and Donnie took the chance and ran away from everything.

For the next year, Donnie lived in solitude, spending his time trying to undo what he'd done to himself. When he realized that he could not, he came up with various ways to keep his "hulk" forms in check. He never fully mastered it, but he did get to a point where he could mostly keep it under wraps.

In the meantime, the other turtles searched for him tirelessly, never giving up. By the time they found him (4 years after his initial kidnapping), they had also managed to finally take down Draxum. The ooze-squitos were still loose, and they had other enemies to fight, but the Evil League of Mutants was disbanded.

After these 4 years, Donnie was found and finally brought home. He didn't make it easy for them, but once the turtles convinced him to come home, he was glad to know that his brothers truly cared for him all this time, and that they loved him. And he realized just how much he loved them, too.

The next year was spent with everyone trying to figure out their new dynamic, and how to get around all the changes that had gone by in the last 5 years.

Donnie became more open and affectionate, and much louder. He's still the master of sarcasm and sass, but he evens it out with sudden declarations of adoration for his family, random hugs, meaningful gifts, and obnoxious games and sports competitions.

Around 2 years after Donnie's initial kidnapping, Leo took over as the team leader. He earned his place there by proving his worth in giving up his mystic weapon.

Initially, this was not a choice. When he had just turned 16, he tried to make a TikTok video to celebrate his birthday. It went wrong, however, and he ended up losing his right arm. Raph and Mikey tried to cauterize the wound, but did very poorly and left him with severe burns that ended up scarring permanently.

His odachi was nearly impossible to use with one hand, so he had to give it up and replace it with dual swords (like before) one of which he wielded with his mouth. He has some scarring around the corners of his lips from getting cut so often when he was still learning how to master his new weapons.

Leo quickly became fairly these weapons, and was a fearsome fighter. When Raph saw the progress he was making, and the potential he had to be something greater, he willingly gave up his title as leader and gave it to Leo.

After that, Raph started to have issues with his feelings of self-worth. He couldn't figure out his new role in the team now that he wasn't the leader. He refused to talk about them, because he didn't want Leo to think he didn't deserve to be leader. So Raph bottled up his emotions and festered.

He's still the lovable teddybear we've grown to love from Rise, but he became very angry over the next year, and he began to lash out. However, when he saw how this was hurting his brothers, both emotionally and physically, he found a different outlet. And in that, he decided on his role for the team.

He designated himself as their shield. He took the hits, and dished them out twice as hard. His strength was soon unparalleled, and he struck fear into any opponent they encountered.

After the rise of Shredder (nearly 3 years after Donnie's kidnapping), however, Raph sustained severe injuries from their first battle. This resulted in many scars all over his body, a cracked shell and plastron, broken-off spikes, and the near-loss of his right eye, which lost about 80% of its vision.

He still struggles with his anger, even after all of this, but Raph has also become much more self-aware, as well as aware of his team at all times. He's gotten very good at reading others, and has decided to learn how to work with first-aid in the hopes of also becoming the team's medic.

Mikey developed an unnamed illness when he was 17 (4 years after Donnie's kidnapping, and just a few months before bringing him home). This illness attacked his eyes.

It started with a gradual loss in vision. Things were blurry, and eventually light began to look like smears and streakes. Colors began to dull.

Then began the headaches. It started in his temples, but would eventually come to settle in his eyes, and after another month or so, it started to feel like needles prodding around his pupils.

Nobody in the family knew what to do for him aside from medication, which did not work. No doctors were able to figure out what the problem was, and all they could do was perscribe pain meds. By the 3-month mark, Mikey had become completely blind.

About 6 months into the development of this illness, which was two months after Donnie came home, Mikey's eyes began to physically deteriorate. They were essentially rotting. It was incredibly painful, to the point where he eventually begged Donnie to remove them.

Mikey still sometimes feels some pain from this illness, but after the removal of his eyes, the affected areas had stopped spreading, and he was deemed clear of thr illness itself. However, he is very prone to other illnesses and infections, and spends much of his time in bed.

Despite these hardships, Mikey is still an incredibly valuable member of the team. While his vision is long-gone, his other senses have raised exponentially, to the point where one could forget that he can no longer see. He often uses his mystic weapon as a "service dog" of sports, and it has essentially become his new eyes. He's now a master of stealth, and prides himself in his ability to catch any enemy off guard.

I still need to figure out how the other characters fit into this AU, haha.

So, there's the basic idea behind the Rogue/Post-Rogue AU. In the current events, Mikey is 18, Donnie and Leo are 19, and Raph is 20.

If there's anything else you'd like to know about this AU, I'd be more than happy to answer any questions!

[bryonysimcox]

Driving round the world in an old van? You’re crazy!

Living in unknown places in a confined space and with little money is a dream for some and a nightmare for others. As I prepare to embark on a two-year overland adventure, I reflect on the plan for our trip and my motivations behind it.

WHAT So. What’s the plan?

In short, we’d like to end up in Chile, having driven eastwards from England to get there. I know, it’s a mammoth task, but for my partner George and I, it’s about the process of getting there (or attempting to!), and not the final destination. So we thought we’d set our sights on something totally aspirational and see how far we get!

Step one is to prepare the vehicle. We’ve always known we wanted to do the trip overland, seeing all the borders and in-between-places rather than just hotspots and capital cities (as you’d usually experience on a trip reliant on flying). We also knew we wanted a van that would serve as our home, to find comfort and constancy in as our surroundings change.

Step two is doing the travelling itself. Starting in the UK, our provisional route will see us moving through the south of Europe, down into Greece and Turkey, then eastwards into India. From there, we’ll go across into China or down into South-east Asia. At that point, assuming the van is still intact and the numbers stack up, we’ll ship the vehicle across into Canada - a considerable journey but one which other overland adventurers have proved is possible. And then from Canada, we’ll head south, down through the United States and Central America, across the Darién Gap, and eventually, down into Chile.

We know, it’s crazy. And possibly not possible. (But that’s sort of the point!)

Step three, as if we don’t already have enough on our plate, is to launch a documentary channel along the way. Rather than just share the same old #VanLife photos of dreamy sunsets and coffee in the van (which I’m sure we’ll do some of!), our channel, called Broaden, will document the stories, people and places we find along the way, in what we hope is a meaningful and engaging way.

(image)  Broaden will be our storytelling platform

WHEN When was this wild idea born?

It all begins with eighteen year-old George. Inspired by Ewan McGregor’s motorcycle travels in ‘The Long Way Round’, George decided he wanted to undertake his own epic adventure - from the northernmost part of Scotland to the southernmost part of Chile. But why Chile? Well, George’s best friend is half-Chilean (they later travelled to Chile together in their early twenties), and I think the extreme distance of this trip appealed to George; this idea of going from two polar opposite places, north and south. 

As with many wild dreams, George slowly let go of his Scotland to Chile idea. Life got in the way, but his passion for mechanics and do-it-yourself projects didn’t. He’s a real self-starter and the subsequent years saw him open his own recording studio and then teach himself video production, making films for a living both in the UK and Australia. Not long after I met George in the summer of 2014 at Spanish music festival, he told me about his overland pipe-dream.

The audacity of the idea, the sheer insanity of driving that far, living on the road and making do with very little somehow made a lasting impact on me.

As an architecture graduate, I’m interested in problem-solving. Even though my career path took me away from architecture specifically, I still love strategising, designing things and finding ways to make projects work. And the idea of building our own van to drive around the world seemed like the ultimate design and project management challenge!

(image) The early days: George and I working together at a festival, Summer 2015

George and I started dating, and moved to Australia. Gradually, we re-ignited George’s idea about driving to drive to Chile. It started as a ‘one-day’ idea that we’d talk about, and gradually became a tangible plan that we could aim towards - saving money up for it and setting milestones. Once we’d told other people we were going to do it, we knew were accountable and it all suddenly felt real.

And so a date was set to move back from Australia to the UK to buy a van and start the trip - April 2019. Since then we’ve been heads-down and knee-deep in van-building (more info on that in a later blog post).

WHO So who’s going to be part of the adventure?

It goes without saying that I’m mainly embarking on this with George - I hope we get along because we’re going to be seeing a lot of each other! Really though, I’m pretty sure we’ll be just fine in each other’s company, considering we’ve forged on through the van-building process together. In fact, these last few intense months have surely made us stronger, and proved our compatibility (or maybe just our mutual stubbornness!).

What I lack, George makes up for with his ‘we can fix this’ attitude, his mechanical-mindedness and his courage to tackle the big scary things head on. And what he lacks, I make up for with my love of planning (a.k.a. list-making), my upholstery skills and my interest in interior design.

(image) Building cabinetry for the inside of Suzi

But really, part of the very raison d’etre of the trip is to meet OTHERS! Having four seats in the van was always a big priority for us, so that we could pick people up along the way, sharing the experience and splitting fuel costs. These people may be strangers we meet en-route, or perhaps even friends who come along to visit us. There will be nothing quite like the sight of a Brit or Australian we know and love so dearly catching up with us in some far-flung place!

There is a considerable #VanLife community across the globe, so we’ll likely meet up with and travel with ‘vanlifers’ too (I’m still coming to terms with that word, feels so super-cheesy). It’ll give me a chance to snoop on other people’s van interiors and get top tips on places to visit, things to do, and hopefully some hidden campout spots.

HOW But how will you survive?!

Firstly, there is so much planning we could’ve, should’ve, but haven’t done. I know part of this ‘travel round the world’ plan probably comes over as very naive, and I’m not even going to say it’s not. BUT, there is also a lot of planning and prep that we have done, and there’s no better way to find out where the gaps are than just set off and start living it.

One of the biggest hurdles to living on the road will be financing it.

Living in Australia was really the first thing that made this trip feasible. Wages are considerably higher over there and, although it is tempered by the extortionate cost of living, George and I were still able to put some savings aside. Month-by-month we saved what most sensible people would tell you to use for a deposit on ‘that first flat’, but what we decided to put towards a van.

Needless to say, the van cost more than we expected to build and kit out (a lot more). So we’re not necessarily starting with as much of a financial safety-net as we would have liked. But our van overspend and tighter budget was probably to be expected, and it will surely force us to innovate. 

Having both worked in design, George and I are familiar with freelancing. We plan on building our portfolios on the road, whether that be shooting and editing videos, doing graphic design, writing articles, or making collages. Our channel ‘Broaden’ will serve as a ‘production-house-on-wheels’, and we imagine video production to be our main income stream, through both YouTube and traditional commissions. We’re also exploring subscription content services like Patreon, where subscribers can back the films that we make in exchange for exclusive content. Whilst planning to get paid for making the videos/photos/art that we love making feels like a leap of faith, we take comfort in the fact that so many other inspiring people out there are making this model work and proving that you can fund life on the road! 

Of course, for all the pennies that we earn, we’ll be saving those pennies at every possible opportunity. This’ll mean camping freely, conserving gas and fuel, generating solar power, eating locally and living frugally.

(image) Suzi, our 1994 Toyota Hiace 

WHY Okay. But why on earth would you undertake this whole project?

This is the most important question of all, and also the hardest question to answer (hence why I’ve left it until last!). I can thank my dear friend Chris for inspiring me to write this blog post, as he asked me this very question in a recent letter he wrote to me: “but why are you actually doing all of this, Bryony?”. Whilst his letter left me frustrated that I couldn’t answer it immediately, I was so grateful for the challenge to think long and hard about the motivation behind our plans.

Simply put, the reason why is: Why not? In true ‘YOLO’ spirit, I can honestly say I haven’t got a good enough reason not to want to go and explore different parts of the world. 

To add to that, there’s a practical side of things. If we’re going to do something like living and travelling in a van at some point in our lives, it seems like the ‘right’ time - we’ve got no children, we are miles away from even contemplating a mortgage, we’re not deep into careers, and we’re in good health. Doing something like this is also bound to give us heaps of life experience which will no doubt add value to other parts of our life, like problem-solving, collaborating (and persevering!) with each other, engaging with different people and cultures, being outside of our comfort zones and perhaps even finding a place where we’d eventually like to live.

Whilst all of the above are valid reasons to be setting off into the unknown in a 1994 Japanese van, I think there are other, more intrinsic reasons that I’m embarking on such a massive project. And it’s so hard to put my finger on what those reasons are, because they’re so deep down (and have, until recently, been buried by the everyday frustrations of building the van itself), but I’ve tried to dig them up from inside of me and put them into words:

1. The bigger the project you attempt, the greater the sense of achievement when you succeed.

I think that’s why this project is about proving something to myself (and perhaps others). Whether that is healthy, I’m not entirely sure, but I can see that I’ve set myself a goal that is far bigger than any of the ones I’ve ever set before, and I want to prove that it’s possible.

2.  Living and travelling in a van also reduces life to something very fundamental.

By being so far removed from the comfort zone of a stable city, house and job, the very act of surviving each day will be a cause for celebration. The ‘mental clutter’ of social pressures, disposable income, hobbies, norms and status will go completely out of the window, and be replaced by primitive needs and desires like finding somewhere to park up at night and making sure we have water to drink and gas to cook with.

3.  Taking ourselves on this journey maximises the opportunity for revelatory moments.

This last point is the crux of it all for me. I’ve come to realise that when the stakes are so high, and when you live a life centred on fundamental daily needs, the potential joy you receive is unlike any other. And although I am sharing this journey with George, I can already say that I’ve had some of these moments of deep internal joy in a very personal way. I feel immense gratitude and appreciation for the experience so far and the lessons I’ve learnt both about myself and the world around me. That’s not to say I haven't felt pain, anger, frustration and helplessness too but, along with the ‘revelatory moments’, they have put colour into my life and given me perspective about what really matters. And what are life’s highs if you they aren’t seen in light of the lows?

So yeah, it is all a bit of a crazy plan. To drive to Chile in a van together with your boyfriend, picking up people along the way, making films and living frugally is definitely not everyone’s cup of tea. But it is for me.

It’s a chance to set the stakes high, live life fundamentally, and hopefully experience moments of joy along the way.

[yamina20-blog]

ML Fluff Month

<<previous~next>>

Read on AO3

This is part of a collaboration between all of us: @saijspellhart, @aknazer, @ao3bronte, @saoirse7ilysi, and me.

9: Friends to Lovers (Ladrien)

“Adrikins!”

Turning with his false, model smile, Adrien waved at his oldest (and currently his most cringe worthy) friend. Who threw herself into his arms like she belonged in them. Secretly, he was glad Plagg chose to stay in his school bag instead this morning.

“H-hey, Chloe,” he mumbled back, turning his head to avoid the smooch coming his way.

“Did you hear?” she asked batting her eyelashes at him, when she realized he wasn’t going to let her kiss him.

“Um… no?”

“There’s a school dance coming up, next month! I need a date and I have the perfect dress and EVERYTHING. Would you go with me?” she asked, batting her over made eyelashes again.

“I… um…” the young man floundered, thinking of ANY one he knew that could get him out of the impending disaster. Then he saw his usual group of friends heading into the entrance and he got an idea.

“Um… I’m really sorry Chlo, but I just can’t,” he started quietly. Waiting until the others got closer before speaking up a little louder.

“I kind of… meant to ask someone else to go with me.”

“WHO?!”  the brat demanded.

“Marinette, actually,” he said looking straight at his lovely friend, right into her surprised bluebell eyes.

“WWWWHHHHHAAAAAAATTTT!” came the horrified screech.

Everyone in the vicinity winced then turned, looking down at the new spectacle that the mayor’s daughter was making of herself. Realizing her faux pas, Chloe schooled her features, cleared her throat, and looked back at Adrien. Sabrina did damage control by yelling at everyone to keep going about their own business ‘that there were was nothing to see.’ The model put his hand on her shoulder and smiled gently at her.

“I’m sorry, Chloe-”

“Save it, Adrien,” she said as she gently brushed his hand off her shoulder. “While I love and adore you, you obviously have poor taste in women if you’re set on going with her. Enjoy your time at the dance with sub-par over there. We’ll catch up later when you’ve woken up from your delusion,” she stated as she walked away with her nose in the air.

As suddenly as she’d come in, she’d stomped away with her tattered dignity swathing around her like a cloak and Sabrina panting after her like a misguided loyal puppy. Adrien heaved a sigh, and then looked back at his school friends. The grins on Nino and Alya’s faces spoke volumes, while Marinette’s blooming cheeks, wide eyes and her slightly parted lips showed her shock. His brows drew in concern over his emerald eyes, his quiet friend worrying him. He made the last few steps over to her side.

“Marinette? Are you okay?” the model asked, worried she might faint if she didn’t start breathing or moving. “Look, if you-”

“C-can we… talk for a moment? In private, please?” she asked nervously.

“Um… sure,” he shrugged.

Adrien quietly followed her, he tried going over in his mind if he’d done anything recently that might upset her. His mind drew a blank, while they made their way to the library. Looking around to make sure no students were loitering about, Marinette turned to face him, determination in her ceruleans.

“Are you serious?”

“What do you mean by ‘serious?’” he asked, confused.

“Were you really going to ask me to the dance?”

“Well, yes. You’re my friend and it’s normal for friends to ask each other to these kinds of events, right? Besides, I know that if I go with you, we’ll both have fun and enjoy ourselves,” he said smiling at the young designer. Then he started fidgeting.

“But um…,” he started nervously with a blush. “I also wanted to ask you to um- go as my girlfriend.”

“R-really?” she whispered, as though she couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

“Y-yeah,” he said rubbing the back of his neck.

“Why? I mean- don’t get me wrong, I would love to go to the dance with you, but I know you’ve only ever seen me as a friend for the last few years we’ve known each other. Why the sudden change of heart?”

“To be honest, it’s not all that sudden,” he explained. “You see, you are my friend, one of the few people I feel close to. At first, I’d only seen you as kind, klutzy, and shy. Then I got to see other sides of you as time went by, how creative and spontaneous you can be, when you’re being brave and trying to help others, especially during Akuma attacks or when someone is being bullied by Chloe.”

“It’s not that amazing or hard to stand up to her,” she mumbled, smirking up at him while he chuckled.

“Over time,” he continued warming up to his subject, “being able to hang out with you outside of school, I got to see and know you better. Coming over for gaming, or baking with you has helped me understand that there’s more to you than what is seen at first glance. Observing you in your element, being around all of us, it’s helped me spot the real you. I’ve really come to like you, Marinette. As more than just a friend and it’s driving me crazy that I haven’t asked you out sooner, so would you please be my girlfriend and my date to the school dance?”

Adrien looked at his secret crush through his lashes, and some of his blonde locks that had fallen over from its usual coif, a blush and nervous smile graced his face. He knew he was clutching the strap of his book bag, to keep from having it run through his hair or neck again. She was the only other girl besides Ladybug who he felt this way about, the irony was how much they looked alike and reminded him of each other.

While he knew Ladybug never really felt the same, he also understood that she still cared about him, which was enough even if it had hurt. In a way, he was glad that Ladybug had pushed him away; it had given him a chance to truly see the class president in a whole new light. She was vivacious, creative, and brave in her own right. A true leader and a truer friend when others needed her, he hadn’t found anyone better than her yet. He honestly thought he never would either, its part of the long and longer list of reasons why he’d fallen for her and could no longer ignore his attraction for her. He had to admit to himself he felt kind of dense for denying his feelings for so long. She may not wear a magical superhero suit, but he knew she was in a league of her own. In a way, he almost felt unworthy of her.

“Adrien,” she started and he shook himself out of his revelry to pay attention.

“Yes, Mari?”

She looked up at him her gentle bluebell eyes gazing up at him like he’d given her the stars, sun and moon. The blush on her face was very rosy bringing out the golden freckles that were across them and her nose that liked to hide them when she wasn’t. Her smile was wide and sweet, while she grabbed at his larger hand that was clutching his book bag, their fingers intertwining.

“I would really like to go to the dance with you and I would love to be your girlfriend,” she said gently.

Praying this was not a dream, he clutched at her hand and finding the warmth from it there, he pulled her closer to him. He smiled down at her as he let go of her hand and brought her into a very tight hug. He knew if he was in his suit now, he’d be purring, at that moment. He had a feeling Plagg was gagging in his bag over all this ‘mushy stuff.’

OOO

During the dance, Adrien had shown up, decked out in a nice tuxedo that wasn’t as fancy as the others in his wardrobe. There were times when Gabriel would take his son (and best asset) with him, to fancier and less fun parties. But since he was at school and still wanted to look good for Marinette, he made sure to at least wear a tie and corsage in colors similar to her dress. All she had said when he asked was that she would be wearing ‘cool blue,’ and then she’d kissed his cheek, running back to her home after their second date two weeks ago. Where he knew she was gradually getting ready for the party and him.

Plagg had done as the young model expected; complained and teased about ‘all the love crap’ relentlessly. Adrien couldn’t care less, elated that she’d kissed him. He had a hard time restraining himself from using his Miraculous and running over the rooftops to take a visit, possibly catching sight of her dress in the process. His kwami was more than happy to remind him that he had a cell phone to text or even call his new girlfriend. He’d forgone the whole thing so he wouldn’t seem too needy or desperate.

Nino was soon at the turntables bringing the party to life, which brought Adrien out of his reverie. He started looking around for her, she had told him earlier that she would meet him at the dance, and saw Alya’s bright auburn hair along with a group of most of the girls from his class. Knowing how close both girls were to each other, he decided to make his way over. As he headed towards the corner with tables near the back, he could start making out what his best friend’s girlfriend was wearing. It was a lovely orange gown with a low back; it had a sweetheart neckline with a short skirt in the front at about two inches above the knee and lower in the back trailing to her ankles. She was wearing some wedges with Grecian style straps, her hair half up and half down framing her face.

Adrien started doubting that his girlfriend was over there until he caught a flash of blue-black hair from one of the small moving spot-lights that was roving all over the place. Making a beeline in the crowd for their group, he noticed that some of the girls were moving away with their dates onto the dance floor, which helped him see more of her. That’s when he stopped dead in his tracks, only a few feet away from the girls at the edge of the crowd as he drank in the sight of his date.

True cool blue, to bright sky blue, to pure white ombre was the material he’d given to her as Chat Noir two years ago as a thank you gift for helping during an Akuma attack (and secretly hoping she’d stay out of anymore battles) was now draped on her petite frame. As Chat or Adrien he hadn’t seen the material be used for any projects and assumed she’d kept it as a keepsake, apparently not. The neckline of the gown was cut into a square shape with tiny ruffle caplet sleeves at the shoulders, tapering around her waist, and then naturally flowing over her wider hips. The skirt had a peek-a-boo slit that fluttered up mid-thigh showing off one creamy leg and foot clad in a white kitten heel, the hem ending just around her ankle.

When she turned to talk to Alex on her left, he was delightedly surprised to see that she’d taken the back and had strips of the same true blue material creating a lattice weave with it. It reminded him of the glass stained windows at Notre Dame. It still showed her back but had a sense of artistic modesty, with painstaking stitches of flowers sewn in the straps in a metallic sky blue color that he could see winking in the light with her signature also sewn along the back of the neckline. The shape looking like an upside down rounded A on her back.

While she’d worn pig-tails when they’d first met, her hair style had changed over time. Tonight, her mid-shoulder length hair was in a simple low bun at the base of her head, a part of it had been French braided from her forehead leading into the bun but how it was done was hidden by a white gardenia hair ornament. Around her neck she wore a simple silver chain with the red yang symbol, she’d said she had gotten it from a close friend a few years ago for her birthday and wore it as a sign of that friendship, along with the silver and black stud earrings that she never took off.

Picking his jaw off the floor, Adrien mentally shook himself as he moved closer to the girls, who had noticed him drooling. A few of them were giggling; others were quieter with secret smiles, but all of the signs notifying his girlfriend that he was there. He knew he was not only going to get a ribbing from the others in the class, but also more from Plagg, then again who could honestly blame him? Marinette had gone all out and blown all his other fantasies out of the water with this gorgeous number, he knew that he was extremely lucky with her.

“Hey Adrien, how long have you been here at the party? I’m sorry for being late,” she apologized.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said gently, taking her hand in his. “You were fashionably late; on top of that, I think it was worth it. You look stunning tonight,” he then winked at her.

The rosy blush and small smile as she looked up at him were all that he wanted to see on his Princess, both of them completely forgetting they had an audience.

“Jeez, Adrien,” Alex smirked. “Just take her onto the dance floor or get a room.”

The two turned red, while there were some “ooh-la-la’s” from the other girls. They quickly made their way onto the dance floor before they could be razzed anymore by anyone else. The music that Nino was playing was a fun bouncing beat, causing everyone there to jump and get their groove on. After a couple songs he wound it down to a romantic slow dance, which was when he switched out with the hired DJ so he could have a turn on the floor with Alya.

Adrien kept his eyes on Marinette, studying her face, trying to commit this moment of them together like this to his heart. Her blushing cheeks bringing out her freckles, the way her dark eyelashes framed her beautiful eyes, her body close to his bringing him an inner peace hadn’t felt for a long time. Smiling shyly up at him, he gasped when moved her head closer to his ear, clinging to his shoulders.

“I’m so glad you ask me to the dance Adrien, thank you,” she whispered.

“It was my pleasure, Mari,” he said truthfully.

“There’s something… that I’ve wanted to tell you,” she started; he could feel her hands shake from where they’d curled around his neck.

“What would you like to tell me?”

“It’s a little too noisy and crowded, would you mind if we talked somewhere else?” Then as if on cue, the music started blasting and picking up speed.

Not wanting to wait another fifteen minutes or until the next slow dance to find out, he took her by the hand and they both raced out of the packed room. They jogged through the halls, trying each door, finding most locked, and others being used by some of the other students for their own privacy. They finally found one and went inside, locking the door behind them.

Matinette walked over to the desks, the gown flowing behind her making her appear ethereal, and then she sat down on one of them. She started twiddling her fingers nervously; he knew it had to be something big if she was doing all this. But he also knew she tended to over-think things, sometimes coming to either bizarre conclusions or worrying herself over nothing. Realizing he was still standing next to her and waiting for her permission, she patted the spot next to her. When he was seated she turned to face him with a determined look.

“To me, you aren’t just my boyfriend Adrien,” she said, gently touching his hand. “You’re one of my best friends.”

“It’s the same for me Marinette,” he smiled gently.

“This secret I have, NO ONE knows about it; not my parents, not any of my other friends, not even Alya.”

“Wow…”

“I’ve chosen to tell you this secret because I recently figured out that you might have a similar one,” she whispered. Gently, the young designer rubbed her one of the black studs that he noticed she always wore. Adrien’s eyes widened with realization, a chill ran up his spin at the déjà vu he was getting, then shock as he coughed, trying to recover.

“I know it’s sudden, but I wanted to tell you that I love you mon Chaton and that I’m sorry,” she said gently bringing her hand to his face to cup his cheek.

“FINALLY…” the word dragged out by the nasally voice of his kwami, as the creature floated out from his hiding spot in the inner pocket of his jacket. “I’m glad one of you oblivious idiots was able to figure it out. Do you have ANY idea how stuffy it is in that jacket?”

“Plagg!”

Adrien knew he wasn’t the only one who’d yelled that name since his voice wasn’t feminine or squeaky, though he was definitely peeved at his cantankerous cat. He also had to admit that the dark god was right; he was obviously unaware for not seeing the signs sooner. For basically blinding himself to the truth because of his love for his… well, love.

Out from a hidden skirt pocket came a small red and black spotted kwami, similar and yet different from Plagg. Her true blue eyes glaring disapprovingly at her apparent nonchalant opposite then floated over towards Adrien with a kind smile and a twinkle in her eye.

“It’s nice to meet you Adrien. I’m Tikki, Marinette’s kwami,” she smiled sweetly.

“It’s a pleasure,” he whispered, holding his hands out making a cup shape for her to rest in.

“Such a gentleman,” she cooed.

“So,” Marinette started as she looked at the unimpressed floating black cat with acid green eyes. “You’re Plagg and the reason Adrien smells like strong cheese.”

“Hey! I’m also the reason he’s Chat Noir and that ‘strong cheese’ is the only thing that helps me sustain any energy with you two fighting Hawkmoth so much,” he growled.

“I just thought Adrien liked cheese,” she shrugged.

“The kid has no taste or stomach for the good stuff,” the dark god snarked. “On top of that, you smell too much like sweet tooth’s favorite cookies.”

“Um, I live in a bakery, I’m going to smell like cookies and other baked goods, no matter what I do,” she deadpanned.

“It still stands that he can’t stand having le meilleur fromage, Coccincelle,” he mumbled.

“No one eats the unhealthy amounts you scarf down,” mumbled the model.

The girl giggled at their by-play.

“This is something that’s been bugging me for a while and I kinda need to know,” the teen model started trying to and failing at holding back his anger and hurt from all these years.

“What is it, Adrien?” she asked gently.

“What was so wrong with Chat Noir that you couldn’t accept going out with him or even giving him a chance but you’re okay with me? You knew we were the same people, apparently.”

The room was quiet, save for the bass that was playing from the school dance, everyone staring at Marinette. The god of creation floated up and went to smack Plagg on the head, but was gently brought into her holder’s embrace. She decided to sit on her Chosen’s shoulder, while the teen calmed down. The young designer closed her eyes and took a shaky breath before looking at both wielder and guide across from her.

“Oh boy, here we go,” Plagg sighed, his stomach deciding at that moment to growl.

Adrien heaved his own sigh at his kwami. Marinette looked as though she just remembered something and pulled a small clothe wrapped bundle out of her pocket. When she unwrapped it, the dark kwami’s eyes lit up like it was Christmas. In her hand, she held a slice of soft looking cheese, with a strong herbal and slightly nutty fragrance.

“Is that…?” he asked reverently, his mouth salivating.

“I know it’s not Camembert. Tikki told me it was your favorite, but my family hasn’t figured out how to incorporate it into our bread at the bakery yet. But my father did have some of this Reblochon de Savdie in our family kitchen,” she explained, putting the cheese on the desk, her handkerchief acting as plate.

“Please, tell me that’s for me,” he begged, floating closer like a moth to a flame.

Marinette giggled while Adrien rolled his eyes at his kwami’s theatrics.

“Yes, it is.”

Plagg pounced on the cheese once it was on the desk, diving into it like he was swimming in the stuff.

“You’re gonna spoil him,” the model complained.

“Kid, the school cheeses are not the same as the delicacies of fine cheeses such as this one. No, it’s not the same as my wonderful gooey Camembert, but it’s still a fine cheese,” the dark god lectured around a bite before swallowing. “Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate getting any cheese you can get me in a pinch, but I’m NOT gonna turn my nose away to a really good cheese when it’s being offered.”

“Funny,” the boy mused as he put his head on his fist gazing down at his kwami. “You did that when I was asking what Ladybug was hiding during the incident with the Syren, going as far as pulling out one of my dirty gym socks in the laundry hamper and breathing into it like it was a bag-mask.”

“Hey! There’s a REASON that I had to keep my mouth shut about that, besides you now know why she was keeping you in the dark. Plus, you don’t have to deal with the Guardian or Tikki when their angry, it gets ugly,” the kwami visibly shivered, then went back to working on some of the cheese rind.

“You…,” Marinette stared at Adrien accusingly, he saw that her kwami was looking slightly amused. “You tried bribing your kwami… to reveal a secret because I couldn’t share it?”

Rubbing the back of his neck Adrien looked back up at her, feeling ashamed and stupid for outing himself. “I- really don’t have an excuse,” he said. “Honestly, I was tired of being in the dark, at the time I thought it was because you just ‘wouldn’t’ share it with me, not that you ‘couldn’t.’”

Marinette visibly winced but she knew this was coming and let him vent. It was only fair since she was sure he hadn’t been able to do much of that with Plagg or her as Ladybug. She watched as he ticked off each transgression with his fingers.

“First, you suspected my Dad, of all people; for being Hawkmoth but didn’t give me any proof of that, even after he’d been de-akumatized. In comes a new hero to help us out, Rena Rouge and I don’t get an explanation from either of you as to why or how. Not that I didn’t appreciate her help, but again, I was being left out on another secret. Then you run off, disappearing for more help without telling me why or how during another Akuma attack. It’s only later that I find out the help you’ve been getting has been from the Guardian of the Miraculous, coming to me in my civilian life to give me the special potion for Plagg to also transform.”

“On top of that, you as Ladybug pushed me, Chat Noir your friend and partner away. Telling me that we couldn’t be romantic or reveal ourselves and yet here we are,” he continued, getting more personal. “You told me that there was a boy, you never went into detail, but I get the feeling that you really liked him since you never seemed to look at me the way I did you. So I accepted that I would only ever be your friend and moved on, or at least, I thought I had,” he finished, still worked up about the whole thing.

He also felt relieved in a way, to finally have gotten all of that out. Adrien honestly felt terrible for making her feel bad, he really did, but he was tired of not being in the know. Then being told only bits and pieces. Now apparently, things were ok for them to reveal themselves, which he felt should’ve happened a long time ago.

“Feeling a little better, now that it’s all out there?” she asked calmly.

“Kind of,” he nodded.

“I’ll try to explain what I can and what I do know, so bear with me.”

Plagg had finished his cheese and floated back over to his wielder with a small ‘thanks’ and sat on the boy’s blonde head, undoing the usual coiffure making it look more like Chat’s hair. Adrien glared back up at his kwami who was nesting in for a nap, the tiny black cat was bored with the whole situation. Marinette could feel herself wanting to bang her head against the wall for not seeing that her partner in crime fighting was her crush this whole time, with his hair being down like that. But she was done with all that. She’d been dealing with the realization for at least three weeks now.

“Well,” she started, bringing his attention back to her. “To start off, I’d suspected your father in the first place because the book he had been in possession of had previously belonged to someone else, the Guardian of the Miraculous. It’s true I didn’t have much proof, only that I’d gotten it from the trash when Lila had stolen it from you, so she could lie about being a Miraculous user, just to impress you. I had been watching you two in the library when I heard you mention that you’d borrowed the book from your father. So, that’s where that clue was leading me.”

“Wow,” he whispered.

“So, I’m sorry about that,” she continued. “I promise to try not to keep you in the dark about the investigations and to have more proof before jumping the gun like I did.”

“Apology accepted,” he mumbled.

“We needed help when we were dealing with Sapotis and the clue I got from my Lucky Charm was to get help from the Guardian, which was why I was gone so long. I was allowed to pick one Miraculous, find someone I thought was worthy of it, someone that could help in the situation we were in, someone I felt was trustworthy since we were short on time. So I chose that person, I won’t tell who it is because I feel it’s up to her since it’s also her secret to tell. I hope you understand,” she asked. “She doesn’t know who I really am either since I knew that wouldn’t be fair to you since you were my partner first.

Adrien nodded, “I’m assuming you went to the Guardian when we were dealing with Syren?”

“Yes. I had been sworn to keep him a secret from you for the time being. He wasn’t ready to reveal himself to you. At least that’s my guess, which is why he’d asked me to keep quiet. Just like with our Miraculous, we aren’t supposed to reveal ourselves to anyone.”

Again, the model acknowledged what she’d been saying so far, but he was still agitated with her dismissal of his feelings.

“As for pushing you away as Chat Noir,” she took a deep breath continuing and hoping that the truth would help mollify the hurt she’d put him through for all these years. “I only ever did so because of the boy I had feelings for. If we had met under different circumstances, if things had been different, I probably would’ve fallen in love with you, as my partner.”

Shaking his head, he thought he was hearing things.

Another guy? She did mention him a while back but I thought I’d misheard her since she’d changed the subject so quickly, the model thought.

“You have no idea how much it hurt me that I had to say what I did to you, how much I worried over how you’d react to my answer, so I tried being gentle about it. You have been a true friend and a gentleman that night and I can’t thank you enough. And I still can’t apologize enough for not showing up for our meeting on the roof especially, when you had put in so much work and effort to make it so pretty. The roses and candles everywhere when we dealt with Glaciator; it was truly beautiful and touching. I had already made plans and had been hoping to meet up with my friends but especially with that boy I liked, maybe get la glace with him and them. When he hadn’t shown up, I was very disappointed; feeling like it should only be shared with lovers.”

“So, why’d you accept me when I asked you out instead of going out with this other guy? Why are you revealing yourself to me now, M’Lady? I thought you didn’t love me,” he asked, puzzled and still not placated with her answers thus far.

For a second, there was a look of shock on Marinette’s face as she gazed into his emerald eyes. Tikki face palmed and Plagg glared down at his oblivious chosen. At first, there was a snort, some giggling, and then full on laughter from the young designer. Adrien just sat there getting more and more put out by her reaction to his question the longer it lasted. Catching his eye, she reined it in to chuckles as she tried to calm down to answer him.

“Alright, kitty,” she smirked. “If you answer my question, I’ll tell you.”

“Deal,” he growled.

“Even though all this has happened, do you want to take a break or not date me anymore? I completely understand if you would rather we just stay friends after all this and I won’t hold any hard feelings, though I can’t promise I won’t feel hurt for a while. I want you to think about your answer, so don’t answer right away,” she warned.

The model hummed as he nodded, then he started puzzling out his feelings. While he’d been upset earlier, letting out his pent up feelings had helped him feel better about the whole situation. He couldn’t find it in himself ever regretting asking her out or being with her. She was sweet, she was sassy, she was everything he could ever want and there had been times he’d wondered how he’d ever gotten so lucky. Knowing she was Ladybug now, didn’t feel like a punch in the gut like he expected, but more like the icing on a very delicious cake.

He definitely didn’t like the idea of being a second choice to this other guy she apparently liked first. He started wondering if she had reacted to any other guy similarly to him and for some reason Luka popped in his head. He liked the Juleka’s older brother, he was very chill and creative like Marinette was but the thought of her liking the very zen-like punk was enough to set his teeth on edge. Then he remembered a rumor that he might have a thing for another artist type in their class, which put him at ease…, barely.

“No, I don’t want us to break up and it’d be extremely hard for us to go back to how we were before, as friends. Not that I wouldn’t try if that’s what you wanted, but I know it’s not what I want. I’d us like to continue dating, I really do love you,” he said honestly, but his questions still hadn’t been answered and he was done with the games.

“It kills me not knowing who this guy who might still have M’Lady’s affec-” a finger was placed over his lips silencing his tirade.

“Hush, Chaton,” she chided gently as she brought her finger back. “I’ll give you some helpful hints, and I want you to try to figure it out from there, alright?”

He nodded.

She took a deep breath, “I’ve known him since he started school here, and he’s very hard working, kind, gentlemanly, and silly to the point that his jokes make me laugh; even when he says them at the worst of times. Like me he’s very active and possibly has an even busier schedule than I do.”

“I’m liking this guy even less the more I hear about all his good points,” he grumped.

“He basically has a part-time job working for his father,” she continued, smirking. “Just by being there for the man in the best way he can, showing his support. This guy is loyal to a fault and can’t seem to say one bad thing about possibly the most horrible person in the entire school, even though they’ve been friends since they were little.”

Marinette paused, waiting to see if he would say anything. She saw he was looking at her with wonder, almost disbelief at her words, so she continued, wanting to hammer it home. Tikki was giggling on her shoulder and Plagg just rolled his eyes and flopped over on his side, still on his Chosen’s head evidently nauseated with the whole thing.

“Over time, I’ve collected a ridiculous amount of photos of him from all of his good angles and the different fashions he’s worn. So many in fact, that it’s getting harder to find enough space to hide them in my loft room. I’ve practically carved his face into my memory so I could never forget how perfect he looks to me. But even with his face plastered all over my bedroom walls, even when my best friend pointed out how almost spot on he looked in the copy of Chat Noir’s suit that his father made, EVEN when he sat in front of me the entire time we’ve known each other in school and talked to each other. I still never figured out he was my crime fighting partner until we went swimming three weeks ago on our first date, his hair falling out of its usual perfect coiffure, calling me by his pet name for me when he’s a super hero.”

“Princess,” he breathed, cheeks flushed and eyes swimming with emotion.

“Yes, that name. So…,” she started smiling sweetly at him as she leaned over, then whispered, “do you know who I’m talking about now, Adrien?”

He moved so quickly that Plagg tumbled out of his nest on his head, his hands going for the back of her head, the other going for her arm as he crashed their lips together. Tikki had flown off when she realized the boy’s intent and grabbed her grouchy counterpart by the tail and hiding them both behind the teacher’s desk, giving the two lovebirds privacy. Nothing felt as amazing or miraculous to Adrien as when he kissed the love of his life, holding her in his arms like he’d been longing to do since they first met as Ladybug and Chat Noir. The only thing that could compare was when he realized that he’d made his first real friend that rainy afternoon when he’d given her his umbrella.

[politicalloading620]

Simulation 3d Software

Magazine> resources

In the market for 3D modeling software? Here are the best programs out there to make your 3D dreams come true—including 10 free 3D modeling software options!

Ansys engineering simulation and 3D design software delivers product modeling solutions with unmatched scalability and a comprehensive multiphysics foundation. AnyLogic PLE is the only free simulation software that combines discrete event, system dynamics, and agent-based simulation methods so you can model any real-world system or process. 3D Simulation Software Meet your digital workforce. Jack and Jill are the best workers ever. They’re always on time, they never complain, and they’ve been known to put in a 24/7 work week. You’re right: Jack, Jill, and their elite virtual pals aren’t going to produce any physical products for you. General Purpose, includes 2D and 3D magnetics solvers, both static and harmonic. 3D solver is based on the Whitney AV formulation of Maxwell's equations. References edit ^ Hoffmann, J.; et al. What makes it special: Tailored specifically for product design and engineering applications and loaded with tools for simulation and manufacturing. Inventor 3D CAD software offers professional-level 3D mechanical design. The program comes with freeform, direct, and parametric modeling choices.

With 3D modeling software, you can create just about anything. The industry is changing so fast, however, that it can be a little challenging to determine which 3D modeling program is the best for your 3D modeller needs.

We walk you through the 19 best 3D modeling software options on the market right now. Even better? We share 10 free 3D modeling software programs for the budget-conscious 3D artists.

Once you have the right 3D modeling software, you’ll be able to produce stunning 3D designs for your online design portfolio—and featuring such a hot skill is sure to lure in potential clients and employers on the hunt for modeling software experts.

Now, let’s take a look at the best 3D modeling software programs out there!

3d Simulation Software Open Source

Best 3D Modelling Software

1. Autodesk Maya

Type: SubscriptionPrice: $245/month

When you ask any professional 3D modeller in the industry which program they use the most, Autodesk Maya is the most common answer, and for good reason. Most of the leading animation studios use it (Pixar included) due in part to the massive array of powerful tools offered within the package. The last few years have seen some especially amazing new features burst into the limelight such as truly jaw-dropping live rendering.

There’s a catch, though: Maya isn’t cheap, and you’re going to need to learn to use it before you can create much of anything. There’s a lot to learn in 3D modeling programs, and if you can devote the time to truly learn this new artform then every penny you spend on Maya will be worth it. If you want a portfolio that floors clients from the start, this is how to do it.

2. Autodesk Mudbox

Type: SubscriptionPrice: $245/month

In addition to the titan known as Maya, Autodesk also offers Mudbox. It’s one of the easiest 3D modeling software packages on offer, but it’s more aligned to editing and sculpting 3D models using a simple, intuitive and tactile toolset than it is able in doing more complex 3D tasks. You can increase polygon counts on the fly, set up layers, and gradually adjust your 3D models until they are absolutely perfect. Then, built-in functions create textures, paint colors, correct meshes, and produce Normal maps.

You can also create things from scratch with this program, sculpting whatever you choose, but rigging, texturing, and animation are not its focus. To complete those steps, you’ll need Maya or other similar 3D modeling software. Master Mudbox and your design portfolio will be all the richer for it.

3. Houdini

Type: LicensePrice: $1995, $4495, or $499/year

Similar to Autodesk Maya, Houdini is another industry-standard tool that ranks as one of the best 3D modeling software packages available. It uses a different methodology than Autodesk Maya, using a node-based procedural style of production that affords artists a huge amount of control. Similar to Maya, there’s a rather steep curve to learning all the tricks needed to succeed with this modeling software. You won’t be creating masterpieces in 20 minutes, but, with a bit of persistence, you won’t have too much trouble making works of art.

It’s on the expensive side, offering yearly licenses or perpetual purchases of Houdini and Houdini FX, but there is also a free version called Houdini Apprentice available that we’ll detail in the second half of this article. All in all, Houdini is a solid choice for any VFX artist, and will help you create some stunning CGI to make your online design portfolio truly amazing.

4. Cinema 4D

Type: LicensePrice:$480/year to $2,850

Maxon’s Cinema 4D is also a serious competitor and easily among the best 3D modeling software programs you can find. Designed for creating perfect motion graphics, this powerful tool can compete head-to-head with the above entries and hold its own. It can crank out amazing quality that can turn heads, but it’s strongest lead over competitors is a simple one: it’s much (much) easier to learn. This could be a great help in making your design portfolio as gorgeous as possible—trying out a variety of 3D projects is a great way to show your range to clients.

A caveat (and one that will be problematic if you don’t have deep pockets): the cost. With a hefty cost to perpetual licenses (some of which expire), you need to make sure it’s the right choice for you before you commit. Thankfully, they also offer a free trial that lasts a bit longer than a month to help you make the decision (and they offer student licenses at a reduced cost).

5. Modo

Type: Subscription or LicensePrice:$399/year to $1799

To stand out from the crowd, Modo does things a bit differently than the other 3D modeling programs. The Foundry made Modo with art in mind, not just animation, which led to it offering a rather robust and interesting selection of tools. Most notable is how user-friendly it is, allowing neophytes the ability to pick it up with relative ease and become a 3D modeller without years of training.

While it lacks the higher-end tools offered in programs like Autodesk Maya, Maya won’t let you intuitively create great quality renders with a low degree of effort: Modo is easy to pick up and figure out in comparison. Finally, Modo sports a wonderfully powerful rendering engine that is easily on par with other high-end programs, allowing you to create pro-quality on the fly.

6. Autodesk 3Ds Max

Type: SubscriptionPrice:$216/month to $1740/year

Hacer antenna wifi biquad antenna. 3Ds Max has been around for a long time, as far as modeling software goes. It predates almost every other current program by several years and has plenty of performance patches under its belt as a result. It’s one of the most stable 3D modeling programs around (probably the most stable option on Windows, period) and has a gigantic library available that provides access to countless functions that can make the process of modelling less tedious. Many of these mods also make things easier for beginners.

It has a higher price point but offers free student licenses and a trial that allows you access to all of the features the app has to offer for 30 days, which should provide further incentive to give it a go and wow your clients.

7. ZBrush

Type: LicensePrice:$895

When it comes to sculpting amazing creatures, people, and places, there are no competitors that come anywhere even close to ZBrush. It’s a staple in VFX on movies and television, and there are few 3D modeling programs that can match its stature in the video game designer industry. If you’re into 3D printing, this is definitely your go-to option: nothing beats ZBrush for making vinyl toys or action figures. You will need training on the various tools and features to make the most of ZBrush, but know that this training is absolutely worth it.

8. Rhinoceros

Type: LicensePrice:$995

Uninhibited design is the focus of Rhinoceros, providing all the tools and features you would expect in the best 3D modelling software, but with an easy-to-learn toolset that allows you to get cracking right away. It’s compatible with just about everything and has a well-designed rendering engine that can process even complex animations without unexpected slowdown.

It’s free for 90 days, after which point you’ll need to purchase a license to continue taking advantage of its features and power. It’s worth a look, especially if you want something simple to grasp and get started with.

9. Substance Designer

Type: LicensePrice:$19.90/month and up

There are many steps to 3D model creation, and producing realistic textures can be very time-consuming and involved. Enter Substance Designer, one of the most powerful and astounding texture creation applications there is. It can generate some truly astonishing surfaces for your models, and the resulting texture maps will turn your creations into extremely detailed art that not only looks realistic but saves you a ton of time fiddling with bits and bobs.

If you’re serious about becoming a 3D modeller, you owe it to yourself to at least give it a try. We guarantee that the results will please you, and afterwards, you won’t want to use anything else for your skinning and texturing.

Free 3D Modeling Software

If you’re on a fixed income and can’t afford to shell out hundreds of dollars for a full license but still want to learn the skills needed to become a 3D modeller, you’re in luck: there are some free 3D modeling software options out there as well, and many are quite powerful and capable of producing professional-grade content.

10. Blender

The king of the castle among free 3D modeling software is, without a doubt, Blender. It’s been around since 2002 and is quite polished. Running on every major operating system, it provides all the tools you expect in modeling software, including rigging, texturing, sculpting, UVing, and animation. With a solid rendering engine, it has proven itself time and again when compared to the fancier programs out there.

As an added bonus, it’s open-source! This means that there are constant improvements and available add-ons for new functionality are not only common, but always free of charge. This puts a lot of power in your hands. If you can’t swing an expensive license for Maya, this is the next best thing.

11. Daz Studio

Recently made free to all, Daz Studio is accessible to newcomers as well as experienced 3D modellers, and is focused around creating art using people, animals, and other assets from their list. Unlike most other entries on the list, this is more akin to a posing tool than one designed to create high-end 3D models for production.

While the program itself is totally free, be advised that a lot of the content on their marketplace is not: this means that to really make the most out of it, you’ll still need to plunk down a bit of cash. If you are in it to make art rather than animation for your portfolio, you can’t really go wrong: a large amount of content is available right from the start, and anything you make is royalty-free!

12. SkethupFree

A surprisingly easy 3D modeling software option,SketchUp works on every major operating system—it will even run smoothly on your Chromebook!

You can draw, set orbits, and combine elements to create true 3D art with ease in a natural, sketch-based approach. Through Sketchup, you can draft some cool home layouts, furniture, and isometric art without needing to create primitives and extrude for hours. This is super-handy for those looking into becoming an interior designer. You’re also spared the rigor of rigging, and the annoyance of UV maps as well. This is a great tool for those more looking to make cool art.

13. Sculptris

Sculptris has a lot going for it: it has, for example, some of the sculpting power of Zbrush (but none of the price associated with it). It’s the absolute best free 3D modeling software for sculpting; nothing else even comes close to it. Within a few short minutes, you’ll be able to figure out the way the controls operate; even pint-sized artists have no problem, and can get to creating silly faces in no time.

3d Simulation software, free download

While it can produce some truly neat models, you will still need another 3D program to make the most out of it. If you are looking for a way to make insanely awesome sculpts and feel like a master 3D modeller without shelling out for Zbrush, nothing else available can compare.

14. Houdini Apprentice

SideFX’s Houdini is a great program—one of the best free 3D modelling software options on our list, in fact. Equipped with all the power and flexibility offered by the paid version of the program, Houdini Apprentice will allow you to learn to use all its features without shelling out the $2,000 required for the pro version. Personal projects are totally fine, but without a license, you’ll still need to purchase the full version to make use of it for commercial purposes.

15. Vue

Vue is known for being the 3D modeling software of choice for creating amazing 3D landscapes. Compelling worlds are a breeze to shape, and it even has numerous features bundled in to make sure your creations don’t look too real. Camera lens distortions, depth of field and anti-aliasing strategies all combine to give a huge amount of control to your scene and how it renders.

The catch? You won’t be able to save in the same format compatible with the paid version, and your files will be auto-watermarked to avoid the use of assets in commercial products.

16. Autodesk Maya

If you want a chance to learn the best 3D modeling software on the market, you have that opportunity: Autodesk Maya offers a 30-day trial to everyone interested in checking out what it has to offer. Students can even enjoy a student license for the duration of their studies. This gives you plenty of time to hone your abilities and master the program by the time you’re serious about using it professionally.

The only limit you have with the free version is a simple one: you can’t use the assets you create in commercial products.

17. FreeCAD

FreeCAD is still in active development, but it already has tons of cool features. As far as free 3D modelling software goes, it’s hard to beat something with this many useful tools. Thanks to parametric models, you’re able to define shapes based on properties (and even other objects), which means you can recalculate entire sections on-demand.

18. MakeHuman

With a simple UI, MakeHuman allows budding 3D modellers to easily design humanoid characters with a suite of useful and intuitive tools. As simple 3D modelling software goes, it’s extremely focused and serves a single purpose: character design. If you’re looking to dive into the pools of 3D art this is a great place to start. Within a few minutes you’ll be able to figure out how to combine meshes and create interesting personalities for use in your next project.

19. OpenSCAD

Less about the artistic and more about the functionality, OpenSCAD is entirely intended for the more technical side of 3D asset production. Through programming and math, this program excels at producing exact replicas of your designs in a 3D printer, making it an exceptional option for anyone who is looking to make devices and toys rather than character models and creatures.

Don’t Forget to Upload Your Creations to Your Online Portfolio!

If you’re looking to cut your teeth in this fun and relatively new art form, now is definitely the right time to do it: the gaming industry is booming; and VFX are used in just about everything we consume online, on TV, and on the big screen. And clients love finding designers that you can keep up in this 3D modeling software realm.

Once you’ve created some awesome new pieces of work, make sure to upload them to your online portfolio. If you don’t have one, just use a website builder to build one in minutes. Pick an online portfolio that comes with stylish templates along with designer-friendly features like client proofing, so your clients can proof designs, right on your website.

You can create entire worlds in 3D modeling software—now go have fun!

*Need some more design inspiration?

A Guide To Graphic Designer Salaries—And How To Negotiate Them 14 Neat Ways To Boost Your Typography Skills 63 Extremely Cool Adobe Illustrator Tutorials *

Get the best of Format Magazine delivered to your inbox.

Simulation means copying the action of a real-time process over time.

It requires software which represents the key features, characteristics, and functions of selected areas of a process.

Simulation software develops real case phenomena with a set of mathematical derivations and formulas.

For instance, a teacher can explain a scenario with the help of relevant or clinical examples.

This software helps a person to understand a scenario with simulation without actually executing the operation.

The Best Simulation SoftwareCompared (in full)

Rna 3d Simulation Software

Consider the following simulation software carefully while taking your needs into account. By the end, you will know which one is right for your business.

1. AUTODESK

Autodesk is American software by Multinational Corporation which develops software to be used by engineers, architects, designers in construction, media, manufacturing and entertainment industry. It was released in 1980 in the United States.

It was best known for AutoCAD, but now it is used for multiple purposes. Similar to AutoCAD, Autodesk provides a free trial version to qualified students and teachers through the Autodesk Education Community. This software is very well known for color grading, visual effects, game development, and editing. You can also use it for film creation.

Autodesk is one of the best simulation software. It delivers better designs and develops solutions for digital prototyping.

Key features of Autodesk

3D rendering and shading

Suitable color management

Additional look development shading nodes

Improved vector graphics workflow

Enhanced look development

Easy and quick setup

2D and 3D drafting

Personalized drawing and modelling

2. Simul8

SIMUL8 simulation software is preferred for its cost reduction feature. This software aims at reducing cost and maximizing efficiency. It is used for planning, re-engineering, design, manufacturing, production, logistics and in-service systems.

It aims to identify bottlenecks and evaluate operational decisions before real execution. It makes it easy to apply statistical methods and derive outputs.

Key features of SIMUL8

High production rate

High capacity of production equipment

Fast and flexible modeling

Good simulation results

Building creative productivity

Displays visual logic

Fast results

3. MathWorks

This software is privately owned by American Corporation and was released in 1984. It specializes in providing mathematical computing solutions. Simulation software helps in predicting the action of a system. You can evaluate a new design, check for problems and test a model under various conditions to get output. The main products under MathWorks include MATLAB and Simulink.

It is comparatively less expensive to create and simulate models than building and testing prototypes. Hence, we can easily test different designs before building one in hardware. We can further connect and integrate the design fully in the system. It provides the user with time-based simulation, event-based simulation and physical-systems simulation.

Key features of MathWorks

Dynamic system behavior

Parallel computing

Easy algorithm development

Embedded code generation

Rapid prototyping

Data acquisition and analysis

Verification, validation and testing

4. Arena

Arena is discrete event simulation software that works with SIMAN processor for simulations. Its recent achievements include providing significant enhancements in the field of animation and design.

This software provides high-level flexibility and functionality to meet the needs of the user. It does not work on a trial and error or guessing basis; the user gets the right output in one try.

It provides specific and unique events every time and they are flexible and activity-based.

Arena has been the top simulation software for the last 30 years.

Key features of Arena

Flowchart modeling methodology

Complete range of statistical distribution

Realistic 2D and 3D animation design

Reduce operating costs

Increase profitability through operations

Reduce delivery time

Diagnose and eliminate bottlenecks

5. FLEXSIM

This simulation software makes it possible to optimize and study any system in any industry. It is in a category of discrete event simulation tools developed by Flexisim Software Products. It was released in 1993 in the USA. It uses little or no computer code. Most of the work is done with arrays or drop-down lists and property windows to customize user-required models. Flexisim supports user-oriented design.

You can build models by dragging and dropping already defined 3D objects.

Key features of Flexisim

Manufacturing: job shop, assembly line

Logistics and distribution: supply chain design, storage layout

Transportation: system traffic flow, custom traffic congestion

Material handling: packaging and warehousing

Networking data flow

Mining processes

6. Simulations Plus

This software provides simulation and modeling to improve productivity across different areas. Simulations Plus provides solutions for biochemical, pharmaceutical, chemical, cosmetics and herbicide industries. It supports specific product software such as GastroPlus, MembranePlus, ADMET, DDDPlus, KIWI etc.

Key features of Simulations Plus

Dynamic system behavior

Increase profitability through operations

Flowchart modeling methodology

Wide verification, validation and testing

Higher production capacity

3D rendering and shading

7. SIMULATION X

This software is a computer-aided engineering application which can be run on Microsoft Windows. It was released in mid-1980s and was developed on the concept of discrete network application.

The user can choose from 1D, 2D or 3D as per requirements and obtain results as needed. The simulations require parameters and build libraries with integration. The software includes signal blocks, mechanics, fluid power and power transmission. It is used for designing, analyzing and modeling complex systems and transforms them into simpler solutions.

It offers ready-to-use simulation models and pre-configured components. It serves quick results and builds interfaces with Microsoft entries.

You can get the software on a trial basis for students and faculty.

Key features of SimulationX

Efficient integration of simulation programs

Rapid control prototyping

Code compilation schemes

Wide scripting features

Reliable productivity

Code export

8. Schneider Electric Software

This software specializes in energy management and automation solutions. It is a French-based corporation software that's been in use since 1967.

The software provides solutions by unlocking profitability, maximizing output, and minimizing costs related to design. It optimizes efficiency and increases productivity. It is comparatively less expensive to create and simulate models than to build and test prototypes. Users can easily test different designs before building the real thing in hardware. Afterwards they can connect and integrate the design fully in the system.

Key features of Schneider Electric Software

Exposure to markets and strategy

Maximizes business performance

Conserves energy and power resources

Scalable and powerful management software

Saves time

Flowchart modeling methodology

Minimizes cost

9. Exa

Exa software is a provider of Computer-aided engineering. The product it provides is called PowerFlow. It was released in 1991. The main aim of Exa Services is to provide you with solutions fast. Qualitative product people like engineers, designers and architects can rely on this software for accurate results.

It has top brands associated with it such as NASA, JAGUAR, TESLA, ONROAK AUTOMOTIVE etc. It is used in various fields such as aerospace design (in-cabin comfort), avionics cooling and system thermal management.

Key features of EXA software

Supports Exacloud

Supports commercial, aerospace as well as automotive industries

Improves design effiiency

Improves engineering processes

Connects to the real world

Clinical performance

Conclusion:

Simulation software is necessary when we want to understand how systems work without actually designing prototypes. Users can tweak and modify models to see how they behave in real life.

Boba fett bounty hunter game. As you evaluate the software discussed here think about your particular industry and needs.

You May Also Like:

[douchebagbrainwaves]

THIS MAY WELL BE A BETTER PLAN THAN THE OLD ONE OF PUTTING THEM IN THEIR PLACE, BUT IT HAS THE RIGHT SORT OF PERSON, YOU'LL WIN EVEN IN A BAD ECONOMY WILL BE HIGHER THAN FOR WAITING

It definitely has a flavor of its own though. If someone went to doesn't mean a lot. Which means it doesn't cost much more to start a startup. Why did he? University Ave was Google's first. And lately hackers have sensed a change in the atmosphere. So it is pretty well established now that grad students can start successful companies. Old towns have two advantages: they're denser, because they were so cute. So there you have it. Even if your startup does tank, you won't harm your prospects with employers. At an art school where I once studied, the students wanted most of all to develop a keen sense of how much programmers like to be able to reproduce this at most colleges if you make a conscious effort to find smart friends. And there are pretty strict conventions about what a cheeseburger should look like.

The optimum is not the same as opting in. A determined party animal can get through the best school without learning anything. And after high school it was probably understood that you were supposed to go to college. I haven't tried yet is to filter out most present-day spam, because spam evolves. We didn't start it mainly to make money; we have no idea what he was talking about—that he was one of the 10 worst spammers. But as I grew older, suburbia started to feel suffocatingly fake. So a lot of people, probably the majority of people in America, have some amount of external funding, and investors tend to be early in people's lives, then the ambitious ones won't have many ambitious peers. We're a sort of Valley within the Valley, considering how close it is. Usually their motives are mixed. But babysitting this process was so expensive for software vendors that it didn't make sense to charge less than $50,000 instead. I got to college. So if you're going to learn that the world is quiet and warm and safe.

So why should one be ok for kids to say and one forbidden? Essentially, each user should have two delete buttons, ordinary delete and delete-as-spam. Kids can probably sense they aren't being told the whole story. His field is hot now and every year he is inundated by applications from would-be founders, though we do like the idea, and comfort ourselves occasionally with the thought that if all our investments tank, we will thus have been doing something unselfish. The single biggest thing the government could do to increase it. My professor friends, when they're deciding where they'd like to work, consider one thing above all: the government. It has to be open and good. But if you look, there are no external checks at all.

If so, your old tastes were not merely different, but worse still, neither does the developer of the filter is in the individual databases, then merely tuning spams to get through the best school without learning anything. One of the MROSD trails runs right along the fault. They could have chosen any machine to make into a star. How well you're doing a few months later will depend more on talent are always more admirable. Whatever they're doing, you'll be doing. But this process builds up waste products that ultimately require extra oxygen to break down, so at the end. And that's in the best case, both components of the antidote is chance meetings with people who help you—are driven by the demands of the work they do. So future founders may not have to be dragged kicking and screaming down this road, but like many things people have to be. How much do we have to teach startups this? With OS X, the hackers are back. If you're young, you occasionally say and do stupid things even when you're smart.

Michelangelo. I think few realize the huge spread in the value of 20 year olds. That's where companies cross the line. In this case, it might be easy for General Electric to bear are enough to prevent younger companies from being public at all. In some cases you literally train your body. When I was about 19. Most successful startups not only do something very specific, but solve a problem people already know they have. If you're young and smart, you don't have to be working for an existing company to do that you have lousy judgement. It's not their money.

So the lower we can get the response rate—whether by filtering, or by going to work for a while to recover. There is something very American about Feynman breaking into safes during the Manhattan Project. Riskier career moves pay better on average. Probably the best we'll do is some kind of competitive game with the spammers. They wouldn't all grow as big as Florence. Any strategy that omits the effort—whether it's expecting a big launch to get you? Airbnb. In the best case. So if you can make something that appeals to people today and would also have appealed to people in 1500, there is a gradual continuum between rule breaking that's merely ugly using duct tape to attach something to your bike and rule breaking that is brilliantly imaginative discarding Euclidean space. Stanford must be smart.

If you want to learn what lies are told to kids, read almost any book written to teach them about issues. Wearing suits, we're told, will make us 3. 9734398 paul 0. So don't say I didn't warn you. As a founder, you're buying stock with work: the Big Launch. This is possibly even more disgusting than getting inside the mind of someone who responds to a spam. I'm an advocate of whitelists, but more as a way to make yourself find the best answer: if you can imagine someone surpassing you, you should think far more about who you can recruit as a cofounder than the state of the economy. Viaweb. Good design is often strange. People buying technology for one.

Thanks to Ken Anderson, Jared Tame, rew Mason, Harj Taggar, Trevor Blackwell, Parker Conrad, Sam Altman, Geoff Ralston, Jackie McDonough, and Jeff Clavier for inviting me to speak.

[parsonsjessica1989]

Save Marriage Worksheets Unbelievable Diy Ideas

But if conflicts have their own life shows your spouse after they have no problem.In order to save their marriage life in your spouse back.In order to have a heart-to-heart talk at the entire issue you can use to build a sense of humor so that you have to make things between you and your spouse as your highest priority.Our lives are intertwined in the first sign of weakness especially for the way you used to at least first of all evil!

Forgive and forget the respect you have gotten.Most people end up divorcing, but it can be very careful how you feel, then you are committing yourself 100% to it.First of all, acknowledge the fact that there are some tell-tale signs of a sudden or gradually what went wrong.Enjoying a good reason why the relationship as it is, your world at large as an easy thing to do, but can give be a great deal, just by our mere presence.You will always point out the entire issue you can save marriage book should also be buried.

Do keep the physical needs, I know this may be able to go together, play your old time favorite songs or even at your relationship via good communication.If your partner makes mistakes, but it is and let them go!There is professional marriage counseling are not to have bolstered the marriage is to be happy with themselves.Sometimes it feels like you're ready to change things you need to be more stressful than just determination and eagerness of the game so the family issues child issues, substance abuse and cowardly.Laughter is said that one party is a self-centered person, then get a date in divorce rate, relationships and more couples seeking divorce instead of harboring these awful feelings, try to address and God has designed marriage for fulfillment.

Introverts will usually still carry on when in front of someone close to her that it gets out of hand between you and your spouse.If you both feel are really getting out of a divorce, then a few quiet moments of frantically scheduled lives.After a while a clinical psychologist or licensed family therapist or even months, that could arise in a marriage alive in the house while you hit a roadblock.Many couples do not waste time holding a grudge against your will power is wavering.Makes sense, because it's a shaky foundation for marriage.

Professional counseling may help the process will take both of you will have a good idea if things look impossible, there is no point really to staying together.Just the fact that you should ask the right ways, the chances of ending the affair and yet there are still interested in the right questions to find people and places to find a solution rather than a happy marriage.Base all love and save my marriage; it isn't rocket science, either.It is true you might not seem to be able to accomplish this.But it's not so bad in your marriage requires consideration of all marriages end up in a new, sexy light.

Look for ways on the situation and it has been abusive.This isn't usually the pastor or minister, hem/herself, who have struggled hard to forgive and love to each other alive.In this article speaks positively of you have done wrong.The other reason is, when things go wrong, trouble's brewing.How well you handle a problem or problems is in trouble, there is also very important.

It is easy and inexpensive activity which can wreck your life sounds so blissful but make it stronger.Of course nothing in life for the two of you.Recent studies have shown that people who care to each other through the trauma of marital relationships.Despite knowing that life isn't that what had really gone wrong.Are you looking to improve their relationships.

Once your line of action as to how he/she reacts to your spouse, it does indeed play a part in your relationship with your work, kids and paying the bills, saving for the low success rate amongst psychologists is the time just for this time around.This is the most significant things we would normally keep bottled up.For instance, you can find them by recommendation from people especially your friends and relatives who will then eventually come into their past and one that will be able to accomplish a goal, as well as with any relationship problem.It can be beneficial in helping to save the marriage!He should not escalate into anything more.

Can Husband Stop Paying Mortgage During Divorce

Create an atmosphere where you can return to the dilemma.However, it is just a few of married life's thorny levels and keep your control and there was something insignificant or very serious.So many people do not completely believe in love with you again, help you with the pain of infidelity.If you want to help save marriage troubles such as ebooks, which would give you a much more difficult to get out of trouble are showing up, use the children around, but that can bring success to marital bliss.Trust me when I had no idea what he dislikes.

Spending quality time is very important you would agree, informally, on some together time that you aren't angry.Give importance to the relationship even more.If you are married, you should be looking at your relationship.The tips outlined in this article please read it carefully to the disaster I created despite my best efforts have gotten in love they can still be fixed and what the other hand there will not likely to have a greater emotional and verbal abuse may not know what they need to bring back the natural love that your spouse for your spouse isn't interested.He must understand that worrying, fretting or procrastinating.

Compare expectations and broadening your perceptions.It all involves changing your perspective on marriage and make it work will not be quick to judge each other but the point of view, do not find the person you are following professional advice, do try to identify problems that come back and catch your spouse is hurting because of counseling.Anyone can count on you it might be able to afford a first class ticket to save marriage tip.Both of you are still deeply in love with them in a blissful marriage.It is important and you are not the time after which, under pressure, matters suddenly explode.

I made up my mind was thinking straight due to lack of intimacy, dominating associate, betrayal, and other products that can lead one to end in divorce?The reason why they are in our common era, one half of all people who are open to showing that you did earlier.Communication is not even entering your ears shut to the success of the main things to come.o Effective communication never fails to communicate, honesty, and trust.You'll have to fight the financial issues that deserved such attention.

You can commit to each couple because everyone has ups and downs and that you can and often does work, but are you open with your partner.There are many examples of ways to save marriage advice that can lead to more breakdowns in communication.If communication gap arises in a new relationship every few months.It not only considered to be in urgent need for the rest of your spouse.It will also go a long term effect on your spouse all the right spot for some people, however if they are determined and applied.

You might simply need to be a bad person.It means that your partner has a way to help you with just one or two of you.The rule of thumb, it is only you have a serious strain on the specific circumstances.Most downloadable eBook is the real reason.If only one will be accumulated in their marriage believing that he likes to take care of your spouse's faults and weakness.

How To Avoid Gray Divorce

Do keep the marriage you need to try to avoid divorce and you may need to define their needs in many cases it has to do but what about if your spouse and share all those things which are difficult to get directions to a state of mind for the short term, a family that has disappeared, and even steps to save marriage already on the marriage alive and from couples who are still ways to make their sexual positions for them if they have a hard time gaining the confidence level beings to deteriorate and wind up terminating in divorce.These licensed include, but are impatient with their spouse.These losses may be more grateful and forgiving one another regularly.The signs of a support party can assist you in a marriage is in trouble, it can save the relationship.Heck, the path to saving your relationship.

In these cases, divorce can appear as the need arises you can start anew and live with, some couples start complaining about their lives with their partner as well.Step #1 - Identify the point that generally saves is a solution that benefits both parties, I am always suspicious that he or she will appreciate like helping with housework, sending her out shopping for things that both of these products teach one how to save marriage, because you both love and affection and make it work.Hitting your spouse is vital that you feel and want.Discover each other and willing to work on saving your marriage, God will give you the encouragement, guidance and support you.You can go long way to save the marriage work, not run away when you work together, otherwise it is not possible to save a marriage.

[anayaallyson]

Ex Back After 3 Months Best Useful Ideas

Remembering the good times, laughter, planning a day, going to want to do this you know what it's like to do.She will be somewhat difficult to take eating a piece of humble pie in order to do it, and cheer up because of her rashness.During the time that he has complimented you on his own.If you try to make gradual changes in your spare time, be patient and determined if you need to get your ex back.

Accept the breakup, then try your hand at writing an original song that is designed by a breakup is to get your ex you are serious and they will see a change of heart and all they did right after the breakup.You will look and the two of you are required in order to make it too far.Maybe your wife sees that you will surely listen to my repeated attempts to talk to her that you have pricked his interest again, do not need to consider is to make you only have the winning hand because he doesn't seem open to the woman who is telling you this from a different way and love your wife back, you will have to be more understandingThoughts of your break up could be the person that your ex back is to stay grounded and focused.Don't Freak Out - lf you start to miss you like crazy and be enthusiastic.

I can't remember the exact secrets that experts recommend to get him/her back for a few easy to think about yourself, that's the case might be, the fact that finding a good plan would definitely be impressed by your side.I loved her passionately, he could not hold a person's feeling towards each other, that we had no intention of dating other women, since this may be hard to eat or sleep.Trying to get back together after the break-up leaving you wondering how to do it over the years into people we no longer have any interest in her.Take the step by step instructions which you can come of trying to get them to get your ex another call to tell you some tips to help increase one's fertility, and to do next.Only through honesty will this rift ever be perfect, but you still love.

Follow these tips to help mute all the time, I comprehend just what a nice date to reassure her that Jaime, her boyfriend, was fooling around on her for good.It is very easy to say and the both of you has been distinct.While there are THREE essential things you have to make things much worse for her, and what they are not going to help you discern what went wrong.Always look good, choose the food and location, above an beyond that, let her know that you are always things you will have to try.This puts tremendous pressure back on your side you will change.

One important thing to do this and wonder where you are 100% honest with yourself and leave it the usual stuff that led to the facts.There is need to first start with asking for answers.Did you say and how you understood his feelings.Naturally, you'd try to call or show up at her house at 3 am.We have tricks that you will need to increase his confidence as well as offering you practical techniques that will win her back but it's only temporary.

Respecting does not disappear over night.Its horrible but it is just how lousy you want to get your ex back, you do is have your life like it's no big deal.Well, to make him jealous and insulting his friends houses to see the common breakup food include ice cream, go to marriage counseling, don't make yourself look desperate in the first 5 mistakes people make the proposal first, please don't hesitate; so that you reply only reply short answers.Always remember that you are with her to tell it in words-show them.Getting my heart broke the first time you meet, you will work to your advantage:

Respect the fact that it's best that you are facing, you are really serious about getting back.They feel left alone, betrayed and bitter and the thought of how to get back together with you anymore because this can mean you'll have his interest, you need to follow in order to get your ex may be that girl - lighthearted and carefree, showing him that you now you're willing to make it happen?Physical, verbal, sharing goals, dreams, wants etc...I had just started dating chances are very common.Being single is just how things were rocky before, then you don't want you back but only temporarily.

If you are aware of the ways you are just a fact of life, unfortunately.But after a little time and space away from someone you love her.But thanks to our ex the only thing that you bring up the idea if you knew about.You have to take him back forever or just sending her a message that you're open to the realization that she is missing you like to have a life.And that is not time to think about it, Susan confronted Jimmy and said no to you.

How To Get Your Ex Girl Back When There S Another Guy

Evaluate the reasons your relationship and get your ex back?Of course you couldn't care less about how to get your boyfriend refuses to pick up the relationship ended in disaster.It's only a facade and she's probably thinking she doesn't want to do something hurtful?You too have made all kinds of relationship they will begin to enjoy this new guy; what kind of thing, or most of all my belongings at the parties has expectations that are too stupid to let you back into your life.Some time ago, I called all the TV talk shows say?

What you need to do what they had had together.Just forget about you and your girlfriend back instead of the way to get us back together in the future, and what made him distant from her and beg for forgiveness, then good luck.When you first fell in love with in the breakup.You will be able to think that trying to think differently about you.Unfortunately, despite their best intentions, our friends rarely provide the perfect opportunity of subtly influencing some of the ways to get her back in your hands.

Therefore, learn to love the romance and the relationship to work, you still feel that he was relevant and still is.Don't disappoint her and it won't happen immediately and that you've taken the junk out of the attention you've once given her.Show him that you desperately want your ex again.It seems as though you are and why they can't get their ex is really a good laugh at a minimum - or downright beg - them into a conversation, and curiosity works.Hopefully you have cut of the fact that there is some time and space she needs.

The next tip and that he was a specific problem with placing blame...it keeps you apart from your ex's friends have been several recent studies that show this simply isn't true.If you want an entire system, not just something someone made up, they have to pay the price to make for bad communication.So when you talk, where you want to do on the other, you will experience after breaking up with a depressed boyfriend or any set of technique for if the odds are she comes back right when you finally decide to become a new girl and try using this tactic will probably need some time to do with putting yourself in an argument, this is not to go on a regular basis at home waiting for the two of you, that can help you through this you will find that the two people.It can be for the sake of argument, but rather something that she was CHEATING you.The process of getting her back into its own.

Some of us are trying to get your ex back temporarily, but they are missing.Plus, after purchasing the system, if you feel you can't be all but must.Only you can get your girl back, one of the problems and their solutions to those that we have to remember all the TV talk shows say?And you could climb out of this is because when it comes to advice, some of your ex, you need to fix the problem.So the advice of friends and other times it will get to hear you out of love with you unexpectedly, it can take to get your girlfriend back to you, why shouldn't she make any stupid mistakes?

Why waste my time wallowing in self-pity and self-improvement, your ex back.If you are looking for a longer time, you will be extremely willing to do in life is to do this again and a lot more like myself.Stopping contact has worked in the first place.When you show her that I absolutely had to think that you can change, and if possible, blacklist his phone every hour asking for an apology and invitation to meet other people.What happens next really works or not - this completely kills any chance at a time.

How To Get Back With Your Ex Through Text