#fake death 2k16

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

“There are three separate complaints that you held up traffic to pet a cat,” said Dick, flashing his phone screen in Damian’s direction. Damian didn’t look up from his book, which was about what Tim expected. They’d gotten this far without a reaction.

“I wanted to pet the cat,” Damian said, calmly turning a page.

“You have a cat,” Tim reminded him.

“I don’t have that cat. It was orange.”

“You’re right, it all makes sense now.” 

Damian rolled his eyes as expressively as he could without taking his face out of his novel. It was good enough for Tim to get the picture, so he turned back to Dick, who was still scrolling through Twitter. 

“I heard Nightwing say that Robin’s grounded again,” Dick read, “but the kid is definitely perched on my balcony right now, so #imtellingbatman.” He shot Damian a look. “I’m shocked.” 

“When was that?”

“April seventeenth.”

Damian nodded, half-smirking. “He doesn’t read them, then. He never noticed I was gone.”

“I don’t know,” said Tim. “That could be what he wants us to think. You sneak out, what, twice a week? Enforcing a curfew once isn’t worth burning a source.”

“True,” said Damian, considering it.

“Unless he wanted to use it as a deterrent system,” Dick put in. “Not that possible consequences have ever actually deterred us. For example…” He frowned down at his phone. “Never mind, this one isn’t about you.”

Dick sighed, turning to Jason instead. “It says you blew up a dumpster?”

“Yep.”

“Why?”

“Business,” Jason shrugged. “Mind your own.”

That was also about what Tim expected. He watched in amusement as Dick crossed his arms, obviously debating whether it would be worth it to push for information— Jason might be hiding something important, but it wouldn’t be easy to get out of him. In the end, Dick let it go.

“Fine,” he decided. “But you have almost as many of these as Damian.”

“That figures.”

“I’m 99% sure that Red Hood and Robin are playing on the playground across my street,” Dick read. “#imtellingbatman.”

“Stakeout,” Damian corrected, while Jason nodded in confirmation. “Not playing.”

“Update: they definitely are, and Robin just shoved Hood off a slide #imtellingbatman.”

Damian grinned. “Now that I did,” he agreed, then immediately ducked sideways to dodge the pillow Jason threw at his head. “We still weren’t playing. It was a strategic location.”

“Where else would a toddler like him blend in?” Jason muttered, grabbing for a second pillow. 

“Fair.” Dick kept scrolling. “What else? Oh, apparently Damian stabbed a school bus. On multiple occasions.”

Damian shrugged, clearly unconcerned, and pointedly turned another page. “I stab lots of things.”

“You’re supposed to aim for people,” Tim suggested.

“I can add you to the list.”

“Don’t start,” Dick sighed. “Church break in. Saw Robin playing in the stained glass- he climbed the Madonna statue to stick his hand in the blue light #imtellingbatman.”

“I didn’t.”

“That sounds exactly like you.”

“It doesn’t.”

“Sure, Damian,” said Dick, rolling his eyes in Tim’s direction to communicate that yes, it did sound like Damian, and it was kind of endearing. Tim wouldn’t have said it out loud, but he agreed: that was exactly the kind of thing that Damian would do and hide. He’d be afraid of coming across as childish. 

Damian was a child, of course, but he didn’t like people bringing it up. 

“Can I see?” Tim asked. Dick handed over the phone, and Tim swiped through a few pages worth of tweets, scanning for more about Damian. It didn’t take long to find one.

“2nd & Main: some costume taunted Robin about RR. Ambulance en route. Robin looks really upset? #imtellingbatman so he can check on… his kid….” Tim trailed awkwardly away.

On the couch below him, Damian went very still. 

“That never happened.”

“Damn,” Tim muttered. “I didn’t realize you cared.”

“I didn’t,” said Damian. “And I don’t. It never happened.”

“You thought I was dead, okay? It’s not weird to be emotional about that.”

“Never,” Damian insisted. “Happened.”

Tim glanced over at Jason and Dick, who were both watching attentively, though admittedly in very different ways; Jason looked like he was thirty seconds from making popcorn, while Dick nodded encouragingly in Damian’s direction.

“Uh. Thanks?” Tim really was touched. It wasn’t that he wanted Damian to be upset, exactly— too many of the important people in Tim’s life had died for him to wish that on anyone else— but it was nice to know where he stood. After all, Tim had been devastated when Damian died. Apparently Damian had returned the favor. 

“I could murder you right now and laugh at your funeral.”

“Did he?” Tim asked.

Dick shook his head. “He cried. A lot.”

“Liar!” Damian slammed his book shut, glaring at the pair of them. He looked dangerously close to violence, which was probably why Jason decided to egg him on.

“You might as well admit it,” he said. “You’re not fooling anyone.”

Damian made a grab for something in his belt that was almost definitely a weapon. Evidently, Dick had been expecting that— he snatched Damian’s wrist as it went by and pulled him back onto the couch. 

“Shut up,” he told Jason. “And Damian?”

“What?”

“Calm down.”

“I’m always calm.”

“You’ve never been calm in your life, and you know it,” Tim told him.

“Fight me,” said Damian, glaring. 

Dick ran his free hand through his hair. “Okay that’s… that’s not calm.”

“Fine.” Damian closed his eyes long enough to take a single deep breath and wipe the expression from his face. “Can I go now?”

Dick raised an eyebrow at Tim. Tim did not want to continue the conversation.

“Please.”

Damian bolted for the door as soon as Dick let go of his wrist. He paused in the hallway long enough to point at Tim— “Never happened.”— and then he was gone. 

Right, Tim figured. Sure.

Based on this post by @callmeofficergrayson :)

For @unlocklist‘s birthday! It’s late now, but y’all should go check Bobby out. She’s rad and ridiculously talented (main/art only)

[velvet-chae-blog]

bts annoying boyfriend things:

jin:

-will brag to everyone about how your mom loves him more than you

-asks you if you’re gonna eat something and then takes it before you even answer

-the worst backseat driver of all time but when you ask him if he would like to drive he’ll say no gshshsjshshdhd

-when going to eat, he’ll tell you to choose but he’ll have a complaint about every place you suggest

-dad jokes at the WORST possible moments like even once while you were making out?? and you’re like dear god what have i done in my past life to deserve this

-will eat your left overs out of the fridge even if you leave notes telling him NOT to

-once you went to a Halloween party together and he dressed as ‘prince peach’ and made you dress as Mario dhhdjsjsjshdjsjjs

-is absolutely not afraid to tell you that you look like something a cat through up. like pls you can’t be a lil nicer?

-will steal your good razor to shave his face

-is religious about his skin routine and will nag and nag you about yours

namjoon:

-asks you to take pictures of him and will make you retake it 637383829383 times. seriously how does jimin deal with this?

-‘borrows’ your headphones all the time and thrn BREAKS THEM hshsjsjsjsj. this is the 5th pair you’ve had to buy this month

-always wants to FaceTime or talk on the phone, but never text

-when you ask him to bring you home food it’s always the wrong thing. isn’t this boy supposed to have an amazing memory? where is it?

-on that note, he loses things constantly. ‘babe have u seen my sunglasses’ and like seriously they’re on his head

-joon’s top priority is aesthetic, always. to the point where you will go two hours out of the way to have dinner at a swanky italian place with low hanging lights even tho YOU’RE STARVING

-will answer your questions with questions or quotes, like b*tch did you just quote dr suess at me? i just want to know what kinda pizza you want

-long philosophical speeches which can be nice and endearing at times but sometimes you’re like ‘joon, it’s rly not that deep bby’ hdhsjsjsnsnsnsn

-tells you that you’re a traitor whenever you buy anything with a kkt friend that isn’t ryan

yoongi:

-sleeps in soooooo late and makes you crawl over him every morning when you have to work

-‘if this house was burning to the ground and i could only save u or min holly, i will choose min holly’ - min yoongi 2k16

-will use your laptop instead of his own bc yours is closer

-king of excuses which is handy when you want to call in sick to work, but very very annoying when you want to go do something that he doesn’t want to

-will take the remote right out of your hand and change it to what he wants and when you’re giving him a death glare he’s like ?????? tf you want?

-uses all of your bath bombs without asking shshjs i don’t think he understands how expensive those are????

-insulting kumam*n is a sin worthy of death

-would probably fake his own death if that meant he could avoid a social outing 

-is the worst to play any games with bc he always cheats and calls it ‘being resourceful’ 

hoseok:

-always leaves the toilet seat up and like laughs so hard he cries when you fall in

-wants to be the little spoon and never the big spoon

-he tried to teach you the choreo to dope one time and you twisted your ankle and he rly will never let you live that down

-snores so so so so SO loud, but will wake up in the am and say he couldn’t sleep bc you were snoring

-you cannot go to the bar alone with him bc he is the worst drunk person you’ve ever met zbsnsjsnsnsnsn he goes completely dead weight and sings kid songs and cries about how beautiful the moon is

-constantly singing girl group songs. like red velvet is gr8 but one can only listen ‘rookie rookie my super rookie rookie’ so many times without wanting to scream

-randomly pantses you around the house and will say ‘i got you’ like it’s a prank.....how is this....a prank hobi? ur just being a perv.....pls

-never folds his laundry ever. like if it wasn’t for you, the clothing mountain in ‘spring day’ would reside in your bedroom

jimin:

-cries every time taey*ng releases a song

-always has the receipts on hand when you’re arguing. even if it’s over something super petty hdhdjdj

-complains that you take too long of showers but there’s never any fcking warm water left once he’s done with his shower

-always pulls uglie faces when your trying to take cute couple pics. why won’t he let you have any nice pictures?

-teases you about being too soft but also complains when you don’t show him enough affection. what do you WANT park jimin?

-he’s a smug lil sh*t whenever he’s right and you’ll never ever hear the end of it

-he tells your mom everything i s2g they’re worse than the old ladies gossiping at the farmer’s market

-imitates you in the highest pitch most awful voice ever hshsjsjsjsjsnsns

-probably yells at you when you break a streak on snapchat

-steals the blankets at night, leaving you to freeze and d*e

taehyung:

-sends texts in all emojis all the time and will expect you to decode them perfectly. like how are you suppose to know what  🤐 👩‍🍳 🤳 👏🏻 ✨ 🚓 💔 means?

-smart about weird things like he can tell you every star that exists in the milky-way but don’t ask him help you build any IKEA furniture

-will probably wake you up at ungodly hours to ask you why dogs walk in circles before they lay down

-his shoes actually smell sooooooooo bad bc he never wears socks

-super loud playing video games. like it’s literally 3 am and he’s having a debate with a 12 yr old about overwatch vs. titanfall and you have an exam at 7am. can he pls for the love of god just not?

-uses your tooth brush so now you have to hide it from him when he stays over

-probably asks for nudes like 80 times a week. does he not understand that there are only so many creative ways you can take sexcie pics?

-you absolutely cannot take him grocery shopping bc you either will loose him or you will wind up with $50 worth of cereal in your cart and nothing else

-made you a playlist once that was just gucci gang on repeat

jeongguk:

-drinks milk straight from the carton

-weird af compliments. like bitting your face and telling you that you’re a snacc. 

-is actually a decent cook BUT DESTROYS THE FCKING KITCHEN

-seriously. all the cabinets are open, the fridge is open, there is trash on the counters, there’s siracha on the ceiling? he only made boxed ramen. how did this even happen?

-constantly reminds you that you’re short and will use you as an arm rest

-has your contact id as a kermit meme

-always making you hold his things in your purse. like why can’t he just use his pockets? hshsjsjsjs

-will probably call you dude and babe in the same sentence

-makes literally everything a competition.....everything

-he’s so lazy that he’ll make things more difficult then the were. like he will carry 20 bags of groceries in and almost cut off the circulation to his fingers bc he doesn’t want to make 2 trips

-uses all of your shampoo and body wash all the fckin time. you’ve even gone out and bought stuff for him BUT HE STILL USES YOURS

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

Anyway the city of Gotham definitely thinks that Damian murdered Tim

Evidence:

The Waynes are ridiculously rich, and the kids are going to inherit millions

The kids would inherit more millions apiece if there were fewer of them

A suspiciously large portion of Bruce Wayne’s children have perished in bizarre accidents (did Dick Grayson murder Jason Todd??) but Bruce covered up Damian’s death until his return, so the city doesn’t know about that bit. He looks like he survived just fine.

It’s not exactly a secret that Tim and Damian didn’t get along

“And don’t think your little power play at Wayne Enterprises is going to stand either. I’ve already filed seventeen motions with the board for a ‘no confidence’ vote.” “That’s great, Damian.”

The ruling families of Gotham are famous for exactly this kind of dynastic backstabbing bullshit

Our cultural opinion of adoption is so poor that people would absolutely believe a family of adopted kids could murder each other in cold blood

Racial profiling

A story about a thirteen year old who appeared out of nowhere a few years ago and began murdering his siblings to inherit his father’s business empire would make fantastic clickbait

Upside:

Staged footage of Damian looking very small and innocent while he tells the media that he is sad and indignant because he would never hurt his family, and he loves his brothers, and he misses Tim, also he has definitely never killed a man

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

Wayne Manor got dangerous during the mornings. That was one thing Duke picked up right away, or at least right after he walked in on Tim and Damian arguing in the kitchen for the third day running. The two of them couldn’t seem to last five minutes without supervision. 

Of course that wasn’t going to be a problem anymore. When Duke opened the kitchen door, Damian was standing alone in the middle of the room, facing away from him. For a few seconds, Duke wondered if he was crying— his shoulders were moving up and down, and after yesterday… well, Duke wouldn’t have been surprised. He stepped inside.

“Hey. Are you… okay?”

Damian swung around. He wasn’t crying. If anything, he looked angry— the kind of furious he got right before he blew his top (Duke had seen it happen often enough to know the signs). He uncrossed his arms long enough to point to the shelves behind him. 

“I can’t reach the pancake mix.”

“Oh.” That wasn’t what Duke was expecting. “Okay?” He pulled the bag down from the top of the cabinets. 

“Drake keeps putting it up there. He thinks it’s funny.” Damian snatched the bag out of Duke’s hands and dumped a half-cup of powder into a mixing bowl. “It’s not funny.”

“Oh.” That made more sense. “So I guess this isn’t about the pancake mix. It’s about… what happened to Tim.”

Damian ducked down to rummage through a stack of pans. “I don’t care about that.”

“I think it’s pretty clear that you do.”

“I don’t. It doesn’t matter. He’s not actually gone.”

“Damian… Tim’s dead.” Duke didn’t enjoy saying it— he would have given anything not to say it— but it was the truth. Duke hadn’t been around that long, but he knew that Damian and Tim had a complicated relationship. He had figured that might translate into some weird grieving methods, but flat denial? That wasn’t good. Especially since Damian still looked like he was one inconvenience away from lighting the kitchen on fire. 

“So?” Damian asked. The pile of metalware clattered loudly as he pulled a pan from the bottom of the stack. “It doesn’t matter. Grayson’s fine. I’m fine. Todd’s fine. Father. Is. Fine.” He slammed his skillet on the stovetop for emphasis. “Drake said he was, but we didn’t believe him.”

Damian glared into his mixing bowl. “I don’t want this anymore.” He dumped the mix back in the bag and went up on tiptoe, trying to slide it back onto the shelf, but he really couldn’t reach it. After a couple of frustrated attempts, he gave up and left the bag sitting on the counter. 

“He’ll be back,” Damian ground out. “And when he does, I’ll—” His fists clenched and unclenched at his sides. He looked dangerously close to losing control. “I’ll think of something.” 

He sat down at the table and put his head in his hands. Duke thought about sitting down next to him— is that what he was supposed to do? It was hard to tell with Damian— but it didn’t seem right. He felt like he was intruding. He wasn’t sure how to help. 

“I think maybe you should talk about it, you know?” Duke suggested. “Work through what happened?”

“I know what happened. He made a stupid decision, and he got himself killed.” “He saved a lot of people.”

“Stupid.”

“You did the same thing.”

Damian laughed in a short, humorless kind of way. “That was different.”

“How?”

“That was worth it.”

Oh. Duke wasn’t sure how to follow that, so he stayed quiet for a few seconds, watching Damian’s shoulders move up and down. 

“Look… if you don’t want to talk to me about this, I get it. I can call one of the others.” Dick, maybe, or Jason. Damian was close to both of them, as far as Duke could tell. 

“No point.” Damian straightened up, face carefully blank. “He’ll be back.” “Damian—”

“He’ll be back, okay?! That’s how it works!” Damian jumped out of his seat and slammed his chair underneath the table. “If Todd and I get to—” He cut off, froze, bit down on his lip. He pressed the heel of his hand into his chest, like it hurt. 

“He’ll be back if I have to make it happen myself.”

Damian stormed out of the kitchen, swiping at his eyes and slamming the door behind him. Duke took his empty seat at the table. 

Yeah. That probably wasn’t good.