#false confidence

[mysunshinetemptress]

Coal

Leah Williamson x singer!reader

Warnings: TW suicide, past abuse, child abuse, alcohol abuse, funeral. If I missed anything let me know. Also thank you to @pers1st for first of all listening to my idea and telling me to write it when I had my doubts about it and secondly for reading over it and helping me, I hope it doesn’t disappoint

You knew the minute he didn’t answer the phone and the unnerving feeling of dread filled your chest that this was it, that you were the last man standing from a life you thought you had both out run, out lived but this, what your brother had just done showed that no matter where you went, how fast you ran you couldn’t leave the sick and twisted past you both had lived through it was a heavy bag you would be forced to carry for the rest of your life.

You and your brother Luca had been born twins in a quite little, middle of nowhere town in New England to a mother who would end up leaving you both in the middle of the night with a heavily abusive father, who would never be charged for the unthinkable things he had inflicted on both you and your brother as he was to high in the police force in your stupid little town, best friends with the Chief had some perks it seemed.

You and your brother had grown up constantly relying on one another to get through the hard terrifying nights, where all you both could wish for was for someone to whisk you both away from it all but this is the real world and the only people who could save you from the nightmare was yourselves.

You had a talent that you had only discovered when you where 13 after a teacher had approached you hearing you singing in the hall, before asking if you wanted to join the choir, you began thinking an extra hour away from home wouldn’t be so bad agreeing only on the lines that Luca could come and sit in the pews as you practiced not wanting to leave him alone to face your fathers abuse alone.

As you both got older you found ways to escape through singing and music, Luca taught himself the piano and you learned guitar before teaching the instruments to each other before you both began recording videos of yourselves and posting them to YouTube while also beginning to write your own songs.

It would take till just after your 19th birthday for both you and Luca to make it out of that stupid little town in New England, both of you deciding to get as far away as possible flying to London England just as your first ever song written by you and produced by Luca blew up “Homesick.” Loving the way stories could so easily be told through country music you decide that it would be the genre you both would focus on, you writing and performing and Luca writing and producing stating he was much to bad of a singer to ever try.

Living in London was a cultural shock for you both coming from a quite town to a big bustling city sure was a change but you couldn’t help but enjoy the fact that not everyone here knew everyone and that you both got to start fresh.

Your label had rented a small two bed apartment for you both in Islington, just north of Central London where you both set up a small studio from the equipment supplied to you both and began working on an EP.

The EP was called Horizons both you and Luca had looked out on a same horizon every morning your entire childhood and hoped it would bring about change, only when you left to London did your Horizons change and so did your life finding it fitting you brought it to your label along with six songs on the EP one of which had already been released as a single.

Horizon

Track 1: Homesick

Track 2: Northern Attitude

Track 3: False Confidence

Track 4: Heavy Eyes

Track 5: Heading South

Track 6: Something in the Orange

Your label loved it approving a date that saw you and Luca able to preform at Country to Country in the O2, with your small set and unknown names your both were one of the first to perform, but feeling the rush of the crowd just after leaving the stage singing songs you both had written about parts of your childhood and leaving it behind felt magical and the crowd seemed to love it.

But that night wasn’t just the night you had both agreed that this is what you wanted to do, it was also the night you swore you found a four leaf clover. Leah had been standing in the crowd with Lydia Williams both big country music fans when she felt her breath hitch in her throat at the sight of you. You stood on stage in a simple pair of black jeans, white top with some red writing she couldn’t make out and a guitar smiling at the boy at the piano before nodding to the band and when you began singing Leah swore she had felt her heart stop from how quick it was beating.

You and Luca had made your way down to the crowd Luca nudging you saying he was going to get a drink as you nodded making your way to stand at the back keeping an eye on him as a blonde girl strutted over to you ever so confidently “Hi.” You turned taking your eyes off of Luca as you turned meeting deep blue eyes “Hi.” You smiled back “I’m Leah.” You grasped her hand shaking it your cheeks beginning to hurt from smiling at the blonde-Leah “hi I’m Y/n.” You didn’t notice that Leah seemed to forget to let go of your hand as you both began talking the English girl complementing your set as you complemented her outfit.

Luca turned back from the bar after downing yet another shot and beer looking to see where you had gone chuckling at the sight of you talking happily to a girl still holding her hand, sighing he grabbed three more beers and began walking over to you before clearing his throat and putting on a stern face “Y/n.” You unhappily tore your eyes away from Leah turning to see Luca “Luca this is Leah, Leah this is my twin brother Luca.” Leah’s shoulders seemed to relax at the confirmation he was in fact your brother and not your boyfriend “Beer.” You smiled thanking him before letting go of Leah’s hand and taking it before turning to look at him in surprise as he handed one to Leah “what can’t let your future girlfriend be left out of it can I.” You shoved him slightly as Leah choked on the beer coughing slightly as you apologised rubbing her back. Leah stood up shaking her head “well I better ask you out first then.” You laughed nodding agreeing to give her your phone number before saying goodnight and walking back behind the stage.

In the coming months yourself and Luca travelled promoting your EP both in the Uk and Europe as well as in the States refusing to step foot in New England just incase your father decided to show up, during this small tour you and Leah began talking nonstop either texting or FaceTiming and although Luca wanted to throw a pen at your head and tell you that there was an album that had to be written he couldn’t help but smile at the way your eyes lit up and your entire mood changed when the English girls name appeared on your phone.

Once the small tour was over and you had settled back into London, Leah had worked up enough nerve to officially ask you on a date. You had bid Luca goodnight telling him to not wait up as you ventured into Central London with the blue eyed girl excitement building for your date.

London was everything you ever wanted, you and Leah had been dating for a few months now and not wanting to keep secrets you had sat her down and told her everything, everything about how your mother had decided she couldn’t take it anymore and left both you and Luca stood crying on the porch step as you watched her run down the driveway aged four in the middle of the night, how your fathers abuse only got worse from that point, how as you got older you both felt so hopeless as no one would do anything as he was a police officer and best friend to the Chief of police, how he thought he could change you from being gay when he saw you walking holding another girls hand. Leah had sat eyes pooled with tears grasping your hand so tightly as you told her eyes racking your body and zoning in on every little scare she could see before pulling you into a hug “I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry Angel you don’t…you didn’t deserve any of that.” You didn’t cry but simply went limp against her as you felt the weight be lifted off your shoulders now that she knew, Luca had come in a short while later and Leah had moved you off her gently before grabbing him and pulling him into a hug, you watched eyes soft as your heart swelled they way she held him just as tight apologising for his trauma too, trauma she had never inflicted but felt so sick that no one in your town would help you both to scared of the consequences.

You had called Leah your four leafed clover, she was the luckiest thing you had ever found and while your relationship grew and your introduction to both her family and teammates saw that Luca turned to alcohol more than he ever had before.

You were both working on your first album when you had noticed how bad Lucas dependency on alcohol had gotten, writing songs often turned into nights you had to put him to bed he was to drunk to continue, or he wouldn’t show for meetings with the label, or dinner with you and Leah, or Leah’s family to busy sitting in a bar in London. You had called the label after a particularly bad day at one of Leah’s games at the Emirates, where your brother spent the entire match inside at the bar since he couldn’t drink alcohol in view of the pitch, drunk and moody you bid the Williamson’s goodbye apologising for your brother and sending Leah a quick text before dragging him home. The next morning you decided enough was enough and sat him down surprised when he broke down in your arms apologising over and over again that it was the only way he could find peace from it all even for just a few hours, that music simply wasn’t enough at the moment and in a way you understood, Leah gave you the same peace alcohol gave Luca but you knew it wasn’t a healthy option so you gave him an ultimatum, rehab and therapy or no more music, no more writing no more tours nothing. Agreeing to your ultimatum you rang your label telling them that the Album was on hold till Luca was healthy again before dropping him off.

You spent the month Luca was in rehab leaning on Leah and her family’s support, you had told them about yours and Lucas past the same day you dropped him off, and for the first time you knew what it was like to be loved by a mother and father. You cried into Leah’s chest that night until you fell asleep,nothing she said or did could make you stop and she quickly realised you needed this you needed to cry so she let you holding you tight and just reminding you of where you were, with her, with her family both you and Luca were safe. Amanda came up after you had fallen asleep to check on you her own heart breaking at the sight of you, you a girl who had the worst childhood imaginable handed to her and still found away to find love and make her daughter feel so loved, you a girl who was trying desperately to hold everything together for her brother because “he needs me, I’m fine I’ve got Leah but he, Luca needs me to be strong so strong is what I am.” Amanda placed her hand on your head “she’ll be ok Bubs, they both will, we got them.”

Luca had been allowed a visit half way through his rehab, the Williamson’s had all asked if they could come but his sponsor Danny had said it may be to overwhelming and asked for it to just be you, that didn’t stop them from waiting in the car park as you went in to visit him. He was different, brighter, happier and you almost cried at the sight for the first time ever he looked to be enjoying life not just trying to get by. You had ran straight for him sighing as you picked you up into a bear hug squeezing tight “Orlov.” You sighed relaxing into his arms at the use of your nickname.

Orlov a diamond, a cursed diamond and any time you tried to ask him why he had chosen it for you all those years ago he gave you one of two reason “Orlov, a cursed diamond that still shines through it all.” Or “Orlov, because pressure makes diamonds, and I just like the name of that one.” You laughed at the second slightly poetic but still funny just like him.

You had told him how supportive the Williamson’s had been for the both of you, how they were currently sat in the parking lot waiting for an update on him when he grabbed your hand “I’m glad you found people like them, to look after you.” You squeezed his hand “us, look after us they love you just as much.” Lucas didn’t want to believe you but you knew he did deep down, he knew it wasn’t just you that loved him anymore. You proceeded to tell him about you current life as a wag as well about the many songs you had been writing, some of them about your past, but for the first time ever you had also written about love and being in love with Leah. Lucas had told you he had also returned to writing and had a few stacked up ready to go when he was finished and for the first time he seemed happy about what he had written normally you had to tell him it was good, recording worthy and you couldn’t help the hope that bubbled.

15 days later Lucas got out of rehab with his therapy sessions block booked for the next while and for the first time in two months you guys began writing songs together trying to complete the album. Lucas was a changed man, he went to dinner without alcohol something you also did to support him, he attended Leah’s matches with you and actually watched and cheered instead of hiding in the bar and for the first time he seemed to be living.

Leah and her family had supported you both tirelessly and you couldn’t have asked for more, they were the family you had always wished would come and save you both as kids. Leah was around for nearly all of the album creation, Lucas teaching her piano and when he finally deemed her good enough you both agreed she could record it for the album.

Life was good, you both were happy in London writing and hanging out with friends and your found family so why had you woken up in the middle of the night with a feeling of doom looming over you as you untangled from Leah. You had gone into Lucases room to check on him something you had done since you could walk, wanting to make sure his chest would still rise and fall when your father had given you both a particularly hard beating. Only this time his bed was empty, walking into the hall you noticed all the lights were off so where could he be. You decided not to panic and not to wake Leah either instead getting your phone to call him.

You knew the minute he didn’t answer the phone and the unnerving feeling of dread filled your chest that this was it, that you were the last man standing from a life you thought you had both out run, out lived but this, what your brother had just done showed that no matter where you went, how fast you ran you couldn’t leave the sick and twisted past you both had lived through it was a heavy bag you would be forced to carry for the rest of your life.

As you recounted every move you both had made over the past three months it was obvious, Lucas had been getting all his ducks in a row, checking in on everyone and making sure the album was complete before leaving, but now it was done and set to be released next month he felt it was time.

You felt numb as you sat at the bottom of the stairs, you didn’t know how you knew he was gone, but you had all of a sudden just had the feeling of a missing piece, maybe it was your twin telepathy you both had so wished to have growing up, this was a sick joke if it kicked in now, now when he was gone.

You sat at the bottom of the stairs until you felt Leah’s hand touch your shoulder “Orlov.” Your heart clenched at the nickname, Lucas had given Leah special permission to use it, certain that she wasn’t going anywhere that you had her forever the engagement ring hidden in his dresser, not that you knew, certain that she knew about what you had been through, that she understood the meaning behind your nickname.

You didn’t have time to react as a knock came from your front door, looking at Leah smiling sadly you got up from the stairs and opened the door to two police men “Miss Y/n Y/ln.” You nodded, you didn’t feel Leah come up behind you as you listen to the police officers tell you about your brother, that you needed to identify him before they moved forward. You nodded along to it all before you asked “was he…do you think he was in any pain.” The officer looked at you softly “Hypothermia kicked in before he drowned, he simply closed his eyes and was gone, no pain, no struggle.” You nodded “no pressure.” You mumbled before turning to get dressed.

Leah couldn’t believe it, he was gone, Lucas was gone a boy she loved like a brother and she couldn’t understand why, he was happy, you both were happy with them, writing the album why, why had he done it. She had gone with you to the morgue and had said she would call her mum but every time she tried her fingers froze on the call button and words got caught in her throat. It was you who had done it driving you both to the Williamson’s house Leah unable to look at her family as you asked them all to come to the living room Leah sat beside you head buried into your neck as she grasped you tightly scared that if she let you go you would be gone too.

Amanda had let out a sob as you finished, Jacob got up and left the room and David just stared at you in shock as you held Leah impossibly closer watching this family, your family, Lucases family fall apart at the news, helpless you did what you had done since childhood and decided now was the time for you to stay strong, you could cry later and so you helped with dinner, helped tell the rest of the family, cousins, aunts and uncles and Leah’s grandparents who had adopted you both. The Arsenal girls had been informed all of whom made their way to your house along with the Williamson’s with flowers and food enough to stock the fridge for the next two months offering support and tears for you and your brother

In the coming weeks the Williamson’s helped you plan the funeral, you didn’t know how one went let alone one in England and you often found yourself and David talking to the undertakers for hours organising it. Until finally the day came, everyone had stayed in your house the night before and Amanda had started a big fry before you all headed to the church but you couldn’t eat, you were saying good bye to your brother, your other half, you were about to walk this stupid life alone and for the first time you cursed at him, you both had made it this far why, why did he decide he couldn’t take it anymore.

Leah had held your hand the entire way both of you following the coffin, with Amanda as Jacob, and David along with Leah’s cousins and Danny his sponsor carried him into the church. You got up and said a few words, talking briefly about your childhood before thanking the Williamson’s for everything they had done for you both, thanking Leah for being both you and Lucases rock when you felt like the world was to much. Heading to the crematorium you decided to swap out with one of Leah’s cousins wanting to carry your brother one last time, the sight made Leah sob as Amanda tried to hold her whispering into her ear, but nothing came of it you were saying goodbye to everything you ever knew and all she could do was hold your hand.

After it was all said and done and the after in the pub had finished you found yourself standing in the centre of his bedroom Leah lying asleep in yours. You looked at everything he had, all the pictures his rehab tokens, his guitar and piano, how were you supposed to do this without him, sing without him there beside you, live without him there beside you. You fell back onto his bed reaching your hand under his pillow when it made a crunch noise before finding a letter with your name on it “ORLOV”. You sighed knowing what it was you pulled it open.

Orlov,

I’m gone, I have left you on this earth alone and for that I am truly sorry, I’m sorry that I couldn’t fight any longer but I hope you understand how tired I am. Tired of living this lonely unforgiving life and I hope that someday you will understand, you have have been, my rock, my best friend and my twin sister through the hardest life no child should have to live, But you have come through it stronger, you have come through the it all a diamond in the rough. You see you are a diamond, formed under the pressure of our childhood but me, I am coal a dark rock not meant to last long on this earth.

I hope you know I have decided that now is the right time to say goodbye as I know you are going to be ok, you have the Williamson’s, the Arsenal and most importantly Leah. She is it for you, she is the only person you will ever need, she is your alcohol (bad comparison I know, she’s a lot healthier.) you are ready, ready to take on this life and conquer the world, but remember it’s ok to slip as long as you don’t fall.

One question you always asked me growing up was what did I think heaven looked like and I always told you I don’t know, but I do heaven is watching you fall in love with that girl sleeping in your room, watching you find a family who loves you the way you deserve that is heaven I love you always and forever.

I’ll be watching from stars Orlov .

Lucas TB

For the first time in weeks you cried, no you sobbed gut wrenching sobs and Leah found herself sprinting from your bed room catching you as you fell from the bed holding you tight whispering reassuring words into your ear crying along with you as you cried and cried, cried for your younger self, you cried for your current self but mostly your cried for him, for Lucas until you cried your self to sleep. Leah carried you back to bed before coming back into Lucases room and picking up his letter turning it over and finding a second one attached to it, opening it she found lyrics to a song and reading over it she felt her heart clench at the meanings behind them all.

The next morning Leah showed you the lyrics and before she even had time to ask if you wanted a coffee you were on the phone with your label canceling the album instead stating you had a different one.

Leah watched you tirelessly in the studio scared that if she left you alone in there you might never come back out, regretting her decision when you had dragged her in to record a piano piece.

A month later you handed your label a brand new album written mostly about you and Lucas with track six being for Leah, the label loved it and pushed for it to be released sooner than expected.

ORLOV

Track 1 Stick Season

Track 2 Bitter Winds

Track 3 Condemned

Track 4 Revival

Track 5 I Remember Everything (Lucas Y/LN, feat Y/n Y/LN)

Track 6 Sun to Me

Track 7 Dawns (Lucas Y/LN, feat Y/n Y/LN)

Track 8 Tourniquet (feat Leah Williamson.)

Track 9 Orange Juice

Track 10 Coal

With Leah's unwavering support, you found the strength to honor Lucases memory during the small tour you quickly been sent on leaving the grand piano seat empty until Leah came on to play her part in Tourniquet. You decided to end the small tour in London, your first headline show sold out at the roundhouse already playing five previous dates here due to the demand. Knowing this would be the last time of playing a small venue and with that a chapter closing and you having to enter one without Lucas you sighed retuning the guitar as you spoke to the crowd “My twin brother Lucas wrote this last song I’m about to play.” You cleared your throat looking out into the crowd before turning to the empty piano seat “We had a very hard childhood, but I knew as long as I had him, I’d be ok. Lucas left me on this earth alone just a couple months ago, but he knew something I didn’t, he knew I wasn’t really going to be alone, that I had a family that loved me, a girl who loved me even more and that really he wasn’t leaving he was just tired of his adventures on earth and wanted to see what the stars were like.” You sighed turning back to the crowd “this next song is called coal, and it talks about the pressures of life and I just want you all to know that when you feel like life is to full of pressure that when you can’t seem to find the light at the end of the tunnel that maybe look down you might find your four leaved clover, I got mine she’s in the crowd tonight, but there is always someone nobody here is alone.” You smiled catching Leah’s eyes “this is Coal.”

[addsspotify]

song of the day: september 13th

false confidence

[muertarte]

TIMING: Current

PARTIES: @magmahearts @muertarte

SUMMARY: Disconnected from their usual self, Metzli goes out to hunt for dinner. Cass is out on a patrol against her better judgement and hears the sounds of their victims. She is startled to discover who the assailant is.

WARNINGS: None

Finding a new place for a meal wasn’t difficult. Humans were so oblivious to their surroundings, even in a town like Wicked’s Rest. It made them easy prey, taking out any sort of fun, but the blood was enough. Tasting life’s final moments was a high that few could understand, and with a barrier between heart and mind, there was no guilt to twist or sour the divine and luscious taste coating Metzli’s tongue as they tossed the second body they’d consumed aside.

She fell to the ground with a meaty thud, limp and lifeless, eyes vacant of whatever person she once was. They stared, tilting their head side to side curiously as the whimpers of their next meal became nothing but a muffle in the back of their mind. Continue. Their mind commanded, an outside voice beckoning them. Metzli inhaled deeply, pupils dilating into large saucers as they turned to regard the man behind them with a wild and hungry expression. 

Blood dripped from their chin, broadening the already large stain on their flower-pattern shirt. The man continued to blubber and cry, filling up the small room in the abandoned building. “Shut up.” Metzli commanded, wiping their face messily with the back of their hand as they approached. Their gait staggered a bit haphazardly, almost a little drunk from the amount of blood they’d already consumed. Continue! Master Jesus’s voice roared, making their eye twitch hungrily. Using too much force, Metzli gripped the man’s throat, choking him as they raised him to be eye level with them. He pleaded with his life, but it was futile. There was no negotiating with a monster that only spoke in grunts and teeth.

She shouldn’t be out here. Deep down, she knew that. The injuries from her altercation with Rhett hadn’t quite healed, and with her anxiety spiking every time she tried to convince herself to go back to the cave where she’d been grabbed to speed up the process, there was little she could do to rectify that. It wouldn’t have mattered much anyway, she told herself; Dr. Kavanagh said that nothing could speed up the injuries from the cold iron, that they’d never heal quite right even with the magic she’d used to help. They’d be a part of her forever. The thought made her sick, but she pushed the feeling away. 

She’d wanted a distraction. That was why she was here, why she was wandering around like she was still a superhero, like she ever had been. She knew she wasn’t. Superheroes didn’t fail the way she’d failed outside that cave, didn’t mess up so badly that their girlfriends had to rip through a man just to keep them alive. Cass was just Cass now, not Magma. But she’d never liked Cass much. She’d always liked Magma better. So… she was wandering. Glamour down, no attempt to hold onto that slippery concentration to keep it up, to keep her human. Just Cass wandered through an abandoned warehouse, pretending to be Magma. Pretending to be something worth being.

There was a noise up ahead. A whimper, a thud, a harsh voice. Trouble. She should go, she knew. She should, but she couldn’t. Even if she was just Cass now, she still couldn’t leave someone who needed her help. So she made her way towards the sound.

She saw the bodies first. Two of them, strewn haphazardly to the side as if they were nothing. Anger burned within her, remembering the way Rhett had spoken about her like she was just the same. A thing to be killed and tossed aside. She was more than that, wasn’t she? Everyone was more than that.

The figure came into view next; tall, broad-shouldered. One arm held a third man with a grip around his throat, the other ended just below the elbow. The figure was familiar, Cass realized, and her chest felt tight. “Metzli? What — What the hell are you doing? Stop.” 

Cass was greeted with a growl, deep and guttural, a warning to stay away from their meal. At first, recognition evaded Metzli, the young fae they saw as their own, just an enemy threatening to steal what was rightfully theirs. “Leave.” They hissed, teeth bared and stained with blood. When Cass stood her ground, Metzli tossed the blood bag aside, coughs accompanying the whimper and thud. 

Kill. 

Metzli blinked, the word shocking them when they were met with Cass’s face again. Briefly, there was a break in the feral trance, love outweighing all else so they could fully register what they’d done. “Cass?” Looking around, Metzli quickly realized they didn’t know where they were or how they got there. They raised a hand to analyze, thick blood coating it and dripping down onto the floor. Panic would usually be the first thing they’d exhibit for something as heinous and horrible as behaving like a monster in front of Cass, but nothing came. They were empty, and they always would be so long as Master Jesus was around. Even worse, this likely wouldn’t be the last time Cass bore witness to what Metzli really was, so they explained. Desperately.

“C-Cass, this is not me. I…I do not know how I got here. I was with Master and then…” And then Cass had caught them. “I was getting better. I was. I…” Trailing off, something tugged at the back of Metzli’s mind and they squeezed their eyes shut to fight back. It was no use. Master Jesus was winning. 

“Run.”

Metzli told her to leave, but there was no way Cass was going to do that. Not when they were still gripping the man, not when there were two bodies already strewn to the side. She didn’t know what was going on, didn’t understand, but she knew it couldn’t be allowed to continue. She wasn’t a very good hero, she knew. Good heroes weren’t grabbed by villains in the woods, good heroes didn’t need to be saved by forcing their girlfriend to bloody her hands. She wasn’t a good hero, but she still wanted to try. And a hero wouldn’t leave, so Cass stayed. Cass had to stay.

Something seemed to shift, though Cass had no idea why. The look on Metzli’s face went from foreign to familiar. They looked around like they were lost, said her name like they’d only just realized she was there at all. Cass felt an uncomfortable tightness in her chest, a quiet uncertainty. She’d been so caught up with her own things lately that she hadn’t been keeping up with Metzli’s. What if they hated her for it? What if that was what this was? 

Metzli tried to explain, and Cass wished she understood more about vampires, wished she knew more about the situation. Why were they with their master? Hadn’t they said they wanted nothing to do with him? Had they changed their mind? Still, a voice whispered that it was probably her fault, somehow. That Metzli had grown so tired of her that anything had seemed a better alternative. She was self-centered in her doubt, arrogant in the way she hated herself. Anxiety made everything about her, even when it wasn’t. 

“I’m not — I’m not going to leave,” she insisted when they told her to run, standing her ground stubbornly. “I’m not.” 

Metzli struggled with their hands clasped around their head, trying desperately to keep themself from giving into the urge to bite someone they loved. They had already hurt Leila, had fought against friends for a person that wanted to see Metzli suffer. But they were powerless to stop Master’s claws from latching onto them, forcing them to use their skills as a killer to attack. 

Eyes went blank, fingers flexed and their body prepared to pounce. As they did, a more loving part still managed to overshadow Master’s desires just long enough to reduce the weight of their tackle. Kill, he commanded, and Metzli nearly complied, unsheathing their knife and cocking their arm back to strike. “Please!” They begged, desperation piercing through just as the blade found purchase, though it was neither flesh nor bone. Wood splintered and parted, debris dancing in the air as Metzli’s eyes paraded between monster and friend. 

“He will make me hurt you. I do not want this!” Backing away from Cass, they had a death-grip on the hilt of their knife, hoping that they could force it to remain in place. What more could they do when the pressure in their mind was growing stronger? Distance, Metzli thought. That’s what they needed if they were going to have property of their mind again. “Run.” They said again, using the last bit of will. “I will chase. Run to Pines.”

Metzli pulled out a knife, and Cass didn’t understand. Her eyes went to the blade and for a moment, her shoulder ached. For a moment, she was standing outside her cave with Rhett’s hand grasped around her throat, her heart pounding and her pulse racing. Trusting the wrong person had ended poorly for her then, but this wasn’t like that. This wasn’t like that. Was it? She hated herself a little for the doubt that crept in, for the quiet question. Metzli didn’t deserve it, knife or no knife.

Still, she flinched when the blade splintered wood, her eyes darting to Metzli’s would-be victim behind them. She couldn’t leave while there was still someone who needed saving. Not if she wanted to be a hero. She didn’t understand what was going on, but it was clear that Metzli wasn’t in control, and… that meant she couldn’t trust them. She couldn’t take them at their word. It hurt a little.

But there were solutions she could use, too.

“Promise,” she demanded, trying hard to keep her voice from shaking. “Promise you’ll follow me.” If she could guarantee that Metzli would follow, she could leave without concern. But until then… Cass wasn’t going to let someone else get hurt so that she could get away. She was finished with that kind of thing.

At the chance to act on their instincts, to play with their food before the inevitable, Metzli’s mouth began to water, and they promised in earnest. “Yes.” They breathed, hungry for the chase to begin as they nodded enthusiastically. “I promise.” It came out as more of a hiss, fangs presented as another kind of promise. That they’d sink their teeth into flesh and spill blood into their mouth. Metzli had heard fae blood was sweet, but they had yet to prove that for themself.

With a shudder, they stepped forward, urging Cass to turn and run. Already, there was a pull as she slowly took heed of their demand. They took chase and kept their pace slow, knowing it wouldn’t take much to catch up and end it all too soon. So, despite how hunger rattled inside Metzli, they stayed far back. They knew patience well, how the thrill made the elixir that much more potent when fear pumped into a prey’s veins.

Binding Metzli to their promise felt so much heavier now than it had all those months ago, when Cass had first met them. There was a certain level of guilt to it, but what could she do? She couldn’t let them kill anyone else, and they clearly weren’t in control. (She repeated it to herself, determined to believe it. They weren’t in control. They weren’t. This wasn’t something they wanted to do. She wasn’t nothing, no matter what Rhett’s voice still whispered in her mind.) 

As Metzli stepped forward, Cass turned and took off in a sprint. She could feel the vampire behind her, farther back than they should have been. Were they letting her pull ahead out of love, or were they playing with her? Normally, she’d assume the first. But now… All she could do was pick up her speed and hope for the best.

A sharp yank nearly sent the vampire reeling backwards, but the promise they’d bound themself too won out. Whatever pace Cass set, Metzli synced with with ease. Hunger slowly became less of a motivation while their legs needed nothing more than Cass to move for them to keep going. It was all too easy to grow lost in the run that the hunt soon fled their mind, just as Master’s grip on Metzli’s mind did as well.

“Cass!” They called out, a familiarity attached to their voice once again. “Slow down. I cannot feel him here.” The running continued a little longer, though Metzli was sure that Cass had heard them. If she was as good of a hero as they knew she was, they knew she was taking a precaution. It would take much more than a change in tone to convince her. Metzli had proven more than once that they were good at pretending to be a person. They couldn’t blame Cass for that. She’d been burned too many times, even as she was made up of magma.

“I promise I will not attack you!” It was important to say, they knew that. “I promise, Cass. I will not hurt you if I can stop it.” Metzli urged, still continuing to chase as they had promised they would. “He cannot have influence right now. We are too far from his crypt.”

If she tried hard enough, she could almost pretend it was a game. She could forget about all of it, could close her eyes to it and let herself act like it was something it wasn’t. Only ever for a moment, though. Maybe she could have gone longer before that knife sunk into her shoulder, before the world proved to her that she wasn’t half as invincible as she thought she was even if she was made of stone. Rocks could break, stone could shatter, magma could cool. Even volcanoes went extinct after a while, became corpses lining the sky after erosion wore too much of them away.

Metzli’s voice called out, pulling her from her thoughts. She slowed a little when they asked her to, but didn’t stop quite yet. (She could still feel Rhett’s hand around her throat, the way he wrenched her arm when she’d gone to take the paper from him. Fae didn’t lie, but everyone else could. Even the people you trusted.)

Eventually, though, they spoke again, and she stopped. They made a promise, and she didn’t bind them to the first — it was too wide, too vague, too close to something that might hurt them if the monster controlling them forced their hand — but she let herself tie them to the second. They wouldn’t hurt her if they could stop it. Cass would take that, even if only to release them the moment they parted ways here. She stopped, turned to face them, offered them a small smile. She felt a pang of guilt for not getting to them sooner; maybe she could have saved more than just one person if she had. “Hi,” she greeted quietly.

The chase ended, leaving the vampire to stand there lamely as they stared silently at Cass. She looked tired, but no harm had come to her, and that was what mattered most to Metzli. If anything could matter to them anymore. If they could want for more than just what Master had commanded. “Hi.” They replied dryly, only then realizing their face was still covered with blood. “I am…” Trailing off, Metzli looked to the ground and removed their jacket to wipe what was left of the crimson on their skin. It was dry and flaky, but otherwise came off with a few scrubs of the fabric. 

They thought they should at least apologize, but there was no desire to lie. There never was, but it felt even more prominent than usual. When Metzli was in the clan, they never apologized unless forced to by the pain and guilt instilled on them by Eloy–or rather, Master Jesus. It was all so confusing, having to be bent to someone else’s will when you saw them as an ally for so long. After a few long beats of silence, Metzli managed to utter a weak apology, finding that it wasn’t a lie if they knew they would have felt guilt had it not been for Master. Logic worked in their favor often. Mixing that with their new experiences had to lead them to who they were under the monster Master wanted them to be.

“Are you okay? I wish you did not see what I did.” But a more selfish part of them knew they would be glad she had arrived and stopped them. “I…” Metzli slowly made their way to the ground, crossing their legs to sit and feel the world around the two of them. A small semblance of peace, where Master couldn’t reach them. “He is making me be the monster I used to be. Still am sometimes, but I only hurt bad people now. Or-or I did.” They sighed, gripping a clump of grass to show themself they still existed, that they could still be grounded. “It is hard to understand, I know. There is strong relationship with creator and their vampires, even if you do not want it. You are forever connected and–espera…” Metzli narrowed their eyes at Cass, realizing she was out of bed and doing her work when she should’ve been at home. “Why are you not resting?”

Her chest ached, and she knew it wasn’t only because of the still-healing injuries she’d sustained from Rhett. There were certain truths that were supposed to be undeniable things, but for Cass, they always proved false after a while. Your parents were supposed to want to protect you, but hers had given her away. Fae were meant to feel drawn to other fae, but none had ever wanted to keep her around. Being kind was supposed to make you likable, but everyone she’d ever clung to had run from her in the end. Metzli was supposed to protect her, but she was standing in an uncertain position ready to run from them again in a heartbeat. It wasn’t their fault. She knew it wasn’t their fault. There was a terrible, god-awful man who was controlling them and making them do things they never would have done on their own, but Cass’s heart was pounding and her chest ached anyway. That undeniable truth had been taken from her anyway. It felt so monumentally unfair.

Metzli apologized, quiet and not entirely sincere, and Cass shrugged. “It’s okay,” she said, even though it wasn’t. Even though nothing felt okay, even though nothing had felt okay in such a long time now that she scarcely remembered what okay was at all. Maybe nothing ever had been. Maybe she’d spent all these months in Wicked’s Rest just fooling herself. Anything could be taken from you in an instant. By a ranger with a gun, by a warden with a knife, by an elder vampire with a few well-placed commands. Okay was a thing that didn’t really seem to exist for people like them.

“I’m fine.” The lie tasted like acid on her tongue, churning her stomach and making that ache in her chest feel bigger, but she showed no outward sign of it. She followed Metzli’s lead, settling onto the ground and putting a palm flat against the Earth. She could feel the small rocks beneath her. If she concentrated hard enough, she could feel the heat from the planet’s core, the familiar magma that felt more like home than anything else did right now. She let herself focus on it instead of that ache. There was a distance between her and Metzli; she made no move to get closer to them. She told herself it was for their benefit as much as hers. If they hurt her, they’d hate themself for it eventually. But it was a selfish thing, too. If she hurt them, she’d never forgive herself. “It isn’t your fault, Metzli. This isn’t something you’d do if you were in control. I know that. It’s his fault. He… hurt those people. Not you.” 

She huffed a little laugh, rolling her eyes a little at Metzli’s question. The concern wasn’t real, but that wasn’t Metzli’s fault, either. “I’m tired of resting. I’m tired of feeling… weak and helpless. I want to feel strong. I want to help people. I’m better now, anyway.” Another lie, and it burned like one. Dr. Kavanagh hadn’t been lying about the cold iron wound being slow to heal. It was moving at a snail’s pace, no matter what she did to speed things along. Maybe if she could bring herself to go back to her cave and let it help, it would go faster, but… She kept thinking about what had happened just outside of it. Of those hands holding her in place, of that knife against her head. “I’m better like this.”

There was distance between the two, one that should not have been there if there was no reluctance, or fear fueling it. “You are not.” Metzli countered with a shake of their head, watching Cass carefully. She was touching the ground to soothe herself, as she often did when things were a little overwhelming. It was similar to the way Metzli fiddled with their fidget cube, and at the thought, they reached for it out of habit. 

“Even if it is not my fault, what you were seeing is not good. But…” They trailed off, rubbing a thumb against a smooth section of their cube. “If I could feel, I know I would be glad you stopped me. I would be glad at least someone got away.” There was an attempt at a smile, though it looked more like a grimace to most. Not to Cass though. She knew Metzli better than most. Just as they knew their young fae as well. There was lie after lie based on logic alone. The pain on Cass’s face didn’t make it any easier either. Normally, that would irk the vampire, but they were surprised to find that it didn’t. Not because they couldn’t feel, but because she wasn’t lying to them. She was lying to herself. She needed to be okay.

“You are not better completely.” They tensed, searching their mind for what should come next. Settling on a decision, Metzli rose to their feet and planted themself next to Cass. “But that does not mean you are helpless or weak. You can still help people without putting your body in danger. You are helping me right now and there is no fighting. You do not have to fight or get hurt.” Pain would just be a reminder of what that hunter had done to her, continuing the cycle of her ache. Metzli wanted to quell it, if only for a night. She could be the strong one, and they could be what she needed. With or without feeling.

“Helping has much variation. Help me to your cave and then help me stay in one place. Protect people from me. From m-my…from Master.” Metzli swallowed and took a breath, leaning in to bonk their head against Cass’s. This didn’t have to be what happened with Leila and Parker. This could be a different ending. They were far enough away to have that chance.

“I kind of have to be.” Wasn’t that how it always was? Kids like Cass didn’t get to fall apart the way other children did. When she was a teenager, other people her age had stressed over homework and schoolyard crushes while Cass struggled to find enough food to keep her from starving. Other kids resented their parents for strict rules and punishments deemed unfair when they broke them while Cass would have given anything just to know what her mother’s face looked like. She was fine because she had no choice. What good would it do her now to fall apart over the bodies Metzli left in that cave? What good would it do either of them? It served no purpose. She knew that. So she pushed it away, she ignored it. She was fine, because she kind of had to be. She knew Metzli would understand, even if they had no access to the feelings associated with that understanding now.

It was almost painful, the familiarity of their movements. It would have been easier if she could have told herself it was all someone else. If Metzli didn’t look like Metzli, didn’t talk like themself or move like themself. If their hand weren’t absently playing with that cube in a way she’d seen a thousand times before, it would have been simpler. But there was this strange in-between to it, this odd way of feeling. Metzli was Metzli, but they weren’t. Cass was fine, but she wasn’t. “I know it’s not good. But I know you wouldn’t do it if you were in control.” She still believed that, at least, even with the strangeness. The way Metzli spoke of their past, of the things they’d done… Cass knew they’d never do any of it if they had a say. She still remembered the way they’d locked themself up at the mere thought of hurting someone again. That scared her, too. If they got out of this in one piece, if they took care of Metzli’s sire the way she knew their friends were planning to do, what were the odds of a repeat performance? How likely was Metzli to leave again, to isolate themself again, to claim it for the best? The idea of going through all this just to lose them all over, just for them to leave made her stomach churn far more than the lie regarding her own well-being had.

She shrugged, still looking at the dirt. “I’m well enough. I don’t know when I’ll be better completely.” If she ever would. Dr. Kavanagh had said that wounds wrought from cold iron healed differently. There was a chance that this ache in her shoulder would be there forever, would never fade entirely. The thought of always feeling like this made her want to scream. She registered Metzli moving, coming to sit beside her, and she didn’t tense even if logic seemed to suggest she ought to. She told them once that they couldn’t hurt her. Back then, it had been arrogance. She’d felt invincible, and she’d been proven wrong by Rhett and his cruel hands and his sharp knife. Still, she couldn’t fathom the vampire ever harming her. Even now, with their sire’s control hanging so heavily over their head. 

“I’m not good at it,” she admitted quietly. “At helping people. I always mess it up. I mess everything up, I think.” Over and over, time after time. She tried, she failed, she mourned. She thought of Kuma, who had tried so hard to slide into a role similar to the one Metzli had taken here, who had cared for Cass the way she’d always imagined a parent might, who had died for it. Maybe it wasn’t Metzli’s sire who was the biggest threat to them here. Maybe Cass should have been far more worried about other ways the vampire might meet their end. “I — I haven’t been back to my cave,” she admitted. “Since… I got hurt. It was just outside of it. He grabbed me, and I was…” She trailed off. No point in talking about it now, she knew. No point in any of it. “I don’t know if I can go back now.”

How stupid, Metzli thought to themself, to not have the forethought to realize what going back to the cave meant. The pain that would reside there until the blood that had painted the ground had been washed clean. And even then, memories used a different kind of canvas to put a picture together. She needed a new home until then, and Metzli thought of Alex’s cabin as an idea for a moment before realizing how weak it might feel to be there. They recalled their first visit, when Cass was still sleeping, and thought better than to suggest it. Instead, they nodded and offered a reassuring hand to the nymph. 

“You help me.” Mistakes were inevitable, that was just a fact of life. It was something both Metzli and Cass had learned with vengeful hands just how wrong it could be to simply exist. As if the people who’d punished them and berated them were perfect, or had any say as to how the population should run. Metzli wanted to be better, to offer something kinder to a girl who wasn’t given what she was due. “When we are not good at something, the mistakes will happen. This is natural.” Their brows furrowed, in thought. “The punishments we get are not.” With a shake of their head, Metzli breathed quietly, voicing a new idea for the two of them to venture on and find safety in. Maybe a little fun too, for Cass. 

“There is hotel we can visit. We can go and order service all night, and then make sure workers get good tips. Maybe you call Alex too. Like vacation for a night.” Again, Metzli bonked their head against Cass’s, a gentle smile ticking up the corner of their mouth slightly. “You do not have to return to anything until you’re ready, and you can help in more ways than you think. This is all new, yes? Then let us try a new approach and be more gentle than the treatment we have before.” 

Because doing the same thing over and over again only to suffer made no sense. They could find moments of freedom and be the change. “We can just exist naturally. You have helped very much tonight. You deserve to know this and to feel accomplishment.” Metzli paused, wishing they could feel the words they knew were truth because they had felt the emotion countless times already. “I am proud of you, and I am lucky to have you here right now.”

“Not enough to matter,” she replied, shaking her head. After all, what good had she done Metzli lately? What good had she done them at all? In all the time she’d known them, she’d watched life throw terrible thing after terrible thing in their direction, and not once had she ever had the ability to stop any of it. She was just as useless to Metzli as she had been outside her cave, with that hand around her throat. Insignificant help might as well amount to no help at all in the grand scheme of things. 

She pressed her tongue against her teeth, a thousand words dying on the tip of it. But I want to be good at it, she thought. I want to be a hero who actually saves people. I want to be worth something. Any of it was cruel to say now. It was forcing Metzli to rely on the memory of feelings they’d lost to provide comfort Cass probably didn’t quite deserve when it was Metzli who was in crisis, Metzli whose life had fallen apart. She’d always been so good at taking, Leilani had told her once. At sapping things away from anyone stupid enough to care about her and then having the gall to demand more when they were empty. It wasn’t Metzli’s job to put their own problems to the side just to comfort her. It wasn’t Cass’s right to continue to take when she’d been given more than enough. She was owed nothing and deserved less. She knew that.

But god, taking was still all she wanted to do. She told herself that this would help Metzli, too. That it would benefit them to have a night away from it all, in a hotel with room service and fluffy robes. It was a lie at worst, an understatement at best, but she forced it to take root in her mind, anyway. “A hotel sounds nice,” she said quietly. “You’ll be able to stay?” The last thing she wanted was to cause more problems. She’d done enough of that already. 

The words Metzli spoke next were ones Cass had longed to hear all her life. And she hated herself for the way she didn’t know if she could believe them or not. Metzli didn’t lie, she knew that. But that didn’t mean that what Metzli believed to be true actually was. No one had ever been lucky to have Cass in their life before, and why would that change now? Selfishly, she refused to speak her doubts aloud. If she never spoke them, they were so much easier to ignore. “I’m lucky to have you, too,” she said instead, and she knew it was true. “Do you want to go now? To the hotel?”

Cass’s mind was filled with doubt and hunger, at odds with itself. She was starved for so long that she took and took, not realizing she was giving herself away because she believed love was a kind of emptiness. Her heart would never be filled until she unburdened herself from that doubt, making room for something much more fulfilling. She was on the right track, though. Metzli would keep her there, even if she didn’t realize it. She just needed time. 

“Yes, I will be able to stay.” They pocketed their fidget cube, readying themself. “I will try to stay as long as you want. We can have that time.” Metzli paused for a moment, looking kindly at Cass as they stood up and offered a hand. “We deserve that time.” It felt important to add, to affirm what they had both longed for since childhood even if Metzli was numb to that particular pain. Even if they could not feel the guilt or tragedy of what they’d done over the past few days.

“Let’s go.”

[thekingofspin]

I've had this on repeat for 2 weeks.

PLEASE IM A STAR

I cant stop listening to noah kahan it's becoming a problem.

[blabbershere]

It's Simple! All You Have To Do is Believe It, Manifest It and Fucking Own It .

— Estel Imane

[themellowyellowmomma]

[raincloud22]

Don't take yourself so seriously, look at you all dressed up for someone you never see

You're here for a reason but you don't know why

You're split and uneven your hands to the sky, surrender yourself

And I wonder why I tear myself down, to be built back up again

Oh I hope somehow, I'll wake up young again, all that's left of myself

Holes in my false confidence, and now I lay myself down

And hope I wake up young again, hope I wake up young again

Hope I wake up young again, why won't you take me seriously

Look at me all fucked up over someone I'll never meet

[songpalettes]

False Confidence by Noah Kahan

🥺

👉🏼👈🏼

Please

🎵!

[chartreuseorigami-fandoms]

I made a TommyInnit DSMP edit using SAD-ist animations!

Link above if you’d like to check it out

[thymbraeusrising]

Y’ALL I HAVE MADE A FUCKING DISCOVERY.

OR RATHER I HAVE CONNECTED POINT A AND POINT B BECAUSE I AM A DUMB HEAD.

IN FACT IT’S MORE LIKE POINT A AND POINT A.

LOOK I’VE VERY TIRED.

BUT DID YOU FUCKING KNOW THAT THE GUY WHO SINGS THAT FUCKING “Dial Drunk” SONG THAT’S BEEN MAKING THE ROUNDS ON TIKTOK FOR ABSOLUTE AGES?

THAT GUY?

THAT GUY ALSO SINGS “False Confidence”!!

AND I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY THE DUDE ON “Dial Drunk” SOUNDS SO FUCKING FAMILIAR.

THE SONGS SOUND SO DAMN DIFFERENT.

NOAH KAHAN IS BLOODY BRILLIANT.

[affinityraee]

Being a hypocrite is sometimes okay. Like if someones doing the same thing but like is annoying like you should be bullied. Why do we lie to people. Like not harmful lying but like false confidence. More people in the world need to make people loose confidence

[themellowyellowmomma]

[leebrontide]

I have 9 days to do one more break-neck edit of this book before it has to go out to beta readers, if I want to launch on time!