#famous for sucking and being horrible but famous nonetheless

[the-dog-watch]

The Thirteen-Gun Salute

me: i am fundamentally opposed to the british empire and all forms of colonialism and imperialism. history is a record of their atrocities.

my therapist: that's fair

me: but i love it when god's chosen captain jack aubrey is restored to the navy list and reclaims his sword so ere long he may draw it once more in the honorable defense of his country.

my therapist: who doesn't?

(once again, apologies to the OP)

Patrick O'Brian loves to repeat character-types throughout the Aubrey/Maturin series. For example, the  beautiful, fashionable lady spies who end up embroiled in Stephen’s intelligence work, characters  like Mrs. Wogan in Desolation Island or Mrs. Fielding in Treason's Harbour. Enjoyable in their way (personally I have a lot of fondness for Mrs. Fielding’s failed seduction in The Ionian Mission) but I never find myself that interested in them on their own, or at least not as interested in them as I am in the original; they’re all pale shades of Diana. They might be fancy and beautiful and high class but they lack her ineffable quality of being a messy bitch.

If Diana is the red-blooded progenitor of the Beautiful Lady Spy archetype, then Stephen is the progenitor of another recurring character type: the Bisexual Man with Mental Health problems, another iteration of which is Lord Clonfert from The Mauritius Command, who was the most interesting part of what I personally find to be the weakest, most insubstantial of the books. In Jo Walton’s reading guide, which I’ve been using a little bit, one of the commenters pointed out that the dipsomaniac doctor McAdams and Lord Clonfert are "dark reflections" of Stephen and Jack, an idea I find fascinating. Mirror universe Aubrey and Maturin...spooky!

But anyway, I bring this up because Andrew Wray is yet another iteration of the Bisexual Man with Mental Health Problems, certainly a more destructive and a much more functional antagonist than Clonfert ever was. I really liked the dissection scene; in her review Jo Walton said she found it so gruesome she almost "didn't want to know Stephen anymore;" no disrespect to her but some of us are built different. This is one of my favorite Stephen Maturin crazy ass moments of all time, up there with self-surgery in HMS Surprise and that time he stocked up on too many stimulants in Sweden and accidentally turned all the ship's rats into coke fiends.

But, sadly, overall the messy gay drama with Wray and Ledward (WHO THE FUCK EVEN WAS LEDWARD did we ever even see him speak????) was a little too understated, even for me. Obviously I didn't expect Stephen or Jack to get revenge on them in the traditional way, but something a little more definite than Jack getting pissy at a dinner after the fact could have done the trick, I think.

The dissatisfaction I feel with it is what brings me back to Clonfert; the actual plot of The Mauritius Command feels very remote and inert to me, and Clonfert is the most vivid part. Jack is so basically above him in all ways (or so Stephen describes it) that Clonfert completely destroys himself out of his neuroses and Jack is shielded by Stephen from ever even knowing about or being hurt by it. It was similarly anticlimactic but there was an element of tragedy and pathos to it, and Stephen’s shielding Jack from the disturbing truth has an echo in Stephen’s own inability to fully open up to Jack about Diana, Stephen's inability to open up about pretty much everything.

Thankfully, this book has way more going for it than The Mauritius Command. I like the rhythm and episodic nature of these latter books much more than TMC's rigid retelling of a historical naval campaign. Stephen re-living some of his revolutionary past with the United Irishmen, and re-living some of the divided loyalties poor James Dillon (may he rest in pieces) felt in the first novel was a welcome call back, the Kumai trip was generally wonderful, I was pretty happy about Jack's ultimate ambivalence about being reinstated in the Navy again, and I LOVE the Stephen Maturin Strikes It Rich storyline (more on that next time I think; I do think it's very funny that when it comes to money, neither Stephen nor Jack is 'the smart one.')

I got to really love the Diane, and this is the first time we’ve had a genuine shipwreck; as exciting as that was, it was genuinely heartbreaking to lose her. RIP Diane but I’m already well into the next book and in love with my new girl (Nutmeg of Consolation, you will always be famous. 😭)

Personal Ranking

The Far Side of the World (10) > HMS Surprise (3) > Desolation Island (5) > The Reverse of the Medal (11) > The Ionian Mission (8) > The Fortune of War (6) > Master & Commander (1) > The Surgeon’s Mate (7) > Treason's Harbour (9) > The Letter of Marque (12) > The Thirteen-Gun Salute (13) > Post Captain (2) > The Mauritius Command (4)

[moiloru]

Attack on Titan Review!

Well, this day had to come at some point, right? The day when I review the so-called best anime of all time... If you've spent even a second on this planet since 2013, you must have heard of it at least once. I'm obviously talking about Attack on Titan, also known as AOT, or Shingeki no Kyojin (SNK) in Japanese. I could be playful and say it could also be called "Attack on Traitors" or "Attack on Hypocrites" but I won't.

Does it need introducing? Obviously not, but I'm still going to do it. Well, AOT is an action anime (originally a manga, of course) dealing with the world of the military. It is composed of four seasons of varying lengths: Season One is twenty-five episodes long, Season Two is twelve episodes long, Season Three is split into two parts of respectively twelve and ten episodes, and Season Four, the final season, has aired in two parts of sixteen and twelve episodes. Note that this anime is not yet over (gotta make that sweet money, eh?) and that a third part for Season Four will air in 2023.

With that said, I won't go too much into detail about every season, as it would be very difficult to do without spoilers, and I always keep my anime reviews spoiler-free. Nevertheless, I can safely say that this anime will catch you off-guard quite a many times. There are plot twists everywhere, some predictable, some not. Some plot twists actually pull a fast one on you and end up being decoys.

About the plot... Well, it's obviously good. People don't call AOT the best anime ever for nothing, after all. It's told extremely well, the ambience is spectacular, and the attention to detail is clear. However, I prefer to warn: this isn't your traditional combat anime which you can watch without using your brain. You'll get lost if you don't pay attention, so please do. By that, I mean that the plot has a tendency to get complicated at times. Luckily, important details are heavily insisted upon. I do regret that a dose of BS and cliché was added in Season Four, as it taints the nearly flawless plot of Seasons One through Three. Also, do not be surprised if you notice some parallels to some... real historical events, let's just say. Finally, don't get me started on how superb the second part of Season Three is, alright?

Now, the OST is as good as you would expect from such a praised anime. Some openings have earned legendary status, and it is well-deserved. The way the music allows to raise the tension during the most important scenes is not to be underrated. It seriously makes you feel hyped. The animation truly has its own style, which you won't see anywhere else. It's extremely pretty, although there are a few scenes with horrible 3D effects, and I mean that. Some fighting scenes are beautifully animated, though. Not on a Demon Slayer level, but very pretty, nonetheless.

But of course, what makes a good anime is a cast of good characters. Well, Attack on Titan has its fair share of memorable, unforgettable characters, the names of whom you must have already heard at least once. Eren Yeager, anyone? Yeah, that guy. Possibly the most famous protagonist in 21st century anime, along with a certain Light Yagami. Now, about half of the cast is made of assholes, but I can't deny that some of them are written well. Still, you can't get them all right, and a few absolutely suck, as you'll see in the tierlist. It's not a majority, though, and you grow attached to the main cast quickly - possibly too much, actually. Don't get too attached to the side characters, though: they'll be dead before you know it. Now, this doesn't hold true at all for the main cast, and this lets me mention maybe this anime's biggest issue: plot armor. I swear, it gets absurd after some time, especially in the final season, which is regrettable. Character dynamics are pretty interesting, especially between the most important characters. I'd say the characters are developed well, too, although obviously not equally.

In the end, Attack on Titan is good. Really good. Extremely good. If you don't believe me, I suggest you watch it for yourselves. Now, is it the best anime of all time, as is it often claimed? Who knows? Maybe it is for eleven months of the year, but you're free to disagree.

Down below are the tierlists for this anime, with one for characters (main) and one for ships. Thank you for reading this review!

(Link: https://tiermaker.com/create/attack-on-titan-main-and-side-characters-599402)

(I'll get hate for this one, I can feel it. Link: https://tiermaker.com/create/attack-on-titan-ships-308311)

[thecassadilla]

Written in the Stars - Chapter 2

Word Count: 3,574/AO3

Pairing: Kristanna

Love During Lockdown series: Serendipity (Prologue) | Chapter 1

Summary: Figuring out how to go on an in-person date during a time of social distancing would be a challenge for anyone. Luckily, it comes easy to Anna and Kristoff, who find a creative way to spend some time with each other amidst a pandemic.

Author’s Note: Hi everyone. I hope you’re all doing okay. I debated for a really long time on whether or not I should post today. The world has been very dark the past few days, and I didn’t want to take away from anything important that is happening. I ultimately decided to post because some of you may be using fanfiction as an escape right now and I didn’t want to deprive anyone of what little distraction you may feel while reading this. I don’t know. Thank you for all the love you’ve given me, I appreciate all of you. Stay safe. I hope you enjoy this.

As they pulled up to the unusually long drive-through line, Kristoff turned to face her. “What do you want?”

“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a sucker for chicken nuggets,” she smiled. 

“How many do you want?”

“The meal, I guess. I think it comes with ten pieces? I haven’t been to a McDonald’s in forever,” she explained.

“What type of drink?”

“Sprite,” she answered, confidently. 

When it was finally their turn to order, he rolled down the window and relayed the order to the cashier. While he did so, she dug through her purse for her wallet. Once they pulled forward, she tried to hand him the cash.

“What’s this?” He asked, looking down at the money in her hand.

“It’s for the food,” she said, moving it closer to him.

He playfully pushed her hand away. “Nice try, but this is on me. And the real date will be on me, too.”

“So what is this, then?” She teased playfully.

His cheeks turned bright red. “If, um...I don’t -”

“Don’t worry, I’m only teasing,” she assured him, a huge smile plastered across her face. “Of course this is a date. A real date.”

He huffed out a nervous laugh. “Right. Yeah. I just didn’t want to jump the gun and assume that, just in case you...”

She rested a hand on his arm. “Just so you know, I was hoping that you felt the same way - that this was a date. An unconventional one, sure, but honestly, I think this is the best date I’ve ever been on.”

“Me too,” he smiled, the blush starting to fade. “I’m glad we’re on the same page.”

Just then, the car in front of them moved forward, and they were able to move up to the first window. He handed the cashier his credit card as Anna slid the cash back in her bag. 

“So, I hope you like ice cream,” Anna said as soon as he closed the window.

“I do, why?”

“Because we’re going to Dairy Queen after this and I’m treating you to ice cream.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Are we now? Last I checked, I was the driver.” 

“Well, I’m the passenger, and that’s an order, not a request.” She tried her best to sound stern, raising her index finger and wagging it at him.

He rolled his eyes, but his lips were curved upwards. “You’re bossy.” 

“I know,” she smiled sweetly. “I’m serious, though. Dessert is on me.”

“Fine,” he sighed. “If you insist.”

“Thanks,” she laughed. “I’m really good at getting what I want.”

“I can see that,” he chuckled. “Look at how easily you persuaded me to go to Dairy Queen.”

“Oh, you barely even put up a fight!”

The car in front of them pulled forward again, and they finally arrived at the pick up window. The employee handed Kristoff the drinks first, which he placed in the cupholders, followed by the bag of food. He handed it to Anna, and pulled out of the drive-through, driving to a spot in a secluded area of the parking lot. He parked the car, and she began to dig through the bag.

“Here’s your burger,” she said, handing him the box. “Do you want me to leave your fries in the bag?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

She pulled her own fries out of the bag and balanced them between her legs. She took out her box of chicken nuggets, and then folded the bag down and placed it on the seat next to her. “Do you want some hand sanitizer?”

“Yes, please.”

She reached into her purse and grabbed the bottle, and then squeezed a dollop into his waiting hands before squeezing some into her own. After rubbing her hands together she reached for a fry.

“So, Kristoff,” she said, around a mouthful. “What were you like as a kid?”

“Hmm,” he hummed. “I was really shy. Very lonely, didn’t have many friends. But I really loved being outside, and I spent a lot of time hiking, when I was old enough. What were you like?”

“I was pretty wild,” she giggled. “I had a lot of energy and I hated sitting still. I think I made my parents want to pull their hair out sometimes. I didn’t really have a lot of friends, either, and the other kids bullied me.”

He frowned. “People really suck.”

“Tell me about it - I literally think I’ve heard every joke about redheads. I think it made me stronger, though? I developed really thick skin, and words don’t hurt me anymore, unless they come from someone I care about.”

He chewed for a moment before responding. “It’s good that you don’t let petty stuff bother you.”

“Not to go bringing up an ex on the first date, but I dated this really awful guy once and it kind of crushed my self-esteem. He loved to put me down, and made me feel like I was nothing. As horrible as it was, getting out of that relationship really helped me understand my self-worth. It took a long time to get where I am today.”

He didn’t answer right away, but rather stared at her in awe. 

“Sorry, I hope I didn’t kill the mood or anything. I shouldn’t have brought it up, I just -”

“No,” he cut her off. “Don’t be sorry, you didn’t ruin anything. I’m really glad you shared that with me, and I’m glad that you can see past all of his bullshit.” He was debating telling her about what happened with Ryder intentionally sending the food to her apartment. He wasn’t sure if it would come across as endearing or creepy, but nonetheless, he wanted her to know the truth; especially because it made him a little angry that someone would treat her poorly. He wanted her to know that he thought highly of her from the moment they met, as presumptuous as that was, because she was honest enough to return his groceries.

“Thank you,” she grinned. “I was with him for a long time, too - almost a year. I still can’t believe that I put up with it for so long.”

“Sometimes we don’t realize that people are bad for us until it’s too late,” he explained. “It isn’t like it was your fault that you didn’t realize sooner. Trust me, I’ve been there.”

“Yeah?”

He took a bite of his burger and spoke around the mouthful. “Oh, yeah. I have plenty of stories to share, and I’m sure you do, too.” 

“I have enough stories to write a book - between ex-friends and ex-boyfriends. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for some people to be decent human beings.”

“I just don’t think they realize that they’re treating someone badly. Maybe it’s how they were raised? I dunno,” he shrugged, and took another bite. 

“I guess you’re right - I’d like to believe most people have good intentions, though. I don’t know if that’s optimistic or naive, but I’d rather believe that than believe everyone is out to hurt someone.”

“I don’t think it’s naive. Maybe they don’t realize they’re doing it? Isn’t there a famous phrase - ‘everyone is the hero in their own story?’”

“Something like that. Or maybe more people need to be honest with themselves when they do hurt someone. But what do I know?”

“Speaking of honesty, can I tell you something?” Now or never, he decided. 

“Sure,” she nodded, taking a bite out of a chicken nugget. 

“So, I’m sure you remember last week, when you brought my roommate’s delivery down to us?”

“Of course.”

“Well,” he said, his cheeks starting to turn bright crimson. “That wasn’t exactly an accident.”

“What do you mean?”

“My roommate deliberately sent the food to your apartment, so you’d have an excuse to come downstairs and talk to me.”

Her eyebrows shot up. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah,” he answered. “And this is the part where it kind of gets a little embarrassing - he did it because I wouldn’t stop talking about you.”

“Stop,” she smiled, bringing her hand up to cover her mouth. 

“I know that probably sounds really creepy, but I swear I didn’t know he was doing it. Ryder - he’s kind of unorthodox when it comes to stuff like that, and I told him it really wasn’t fair to drag you out of your apartment when the world is going through...all of this.” He gestured wildly around him, alluding to the pandemic.  

“He’s a really good wingman,” she simpered, dropping her hand from her face. “Can I make a confession?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“For that entire month, I kept wishing that either my stuff would go to you or your stuff would be delivered to me so I had an excuse to see you again.”

“No way,” he laughed.

“Swear to God,” she insisted. “It kind of makes me wish that I’d thought of your roommate’s idea, like, three weeks sooner - what an ingenious plan.”

“The reason I brought it up was because you mentioned your shitty ex and people picking on you, and I wanted you to know that even though I literally didn’t know you, I really wanted to know you. You were honest and decent enough to return my groceries, when some other person might’ve just kept them. I literally couldn’t stop thinking about you - or talking about you, apparently.”

“My life would’ve been easier if I had someone to talk to about you,” she giggled. “I couldn’t get you out of my head either, and I briefly mentioned you to one of my friends over text, which helped a little, but I couldn’t talk to my sister about it - she would’ve flipped out!”

“Why?”

She rolled her eyes. “She can be a bit of a control freak. It’s always ‘Anna, you shouldn’t do that’ or ‘Anna, you can’t rush into things.’ She probably would’ve said ‘Anna, you know nothing about him - he’s a stranger,’ as if literally everyone we know wasn’t a stranger at some point in our lives. Also, I think relationships and intimacy freak her out a little - as far as I know, she’s never dated anyone. Or if she has, she’s never mentioned it to me.”

“Huh.”

“So yeah, if I would’ve said ‘hey Elsa, I have a crush on the gorgeous guy who lives downstairs but I don’t even know his name,’ I don’t think it would’ve gone over well.”

He blushed at her revelation. “What did she say when you told her you were going out with me today?”

“Oh, I didn’t tell her,” she responded, nonchalantly. “She was sleeping when I left, so I just sent her a text that I was going out for a while. I didn’t say where I was going or who I was going to be with.”

“Smart,” he nodded, drawing his lower lip between his teeth. 

She shrugged, popping a french fry into her mouth. “I have no regrets. It actually worked out perfectly; she hates that I have to leave the apartment to get the mail everyday and that’s unavoidable, so she definitely would’ve had a conniption fit if she knew I was leaving for the day, with someone else.”

“Are you going to tell her where you went? Or that you were with me?”

“I haven’t decided yet. She doesn't even know that I gave you my phone number, or that I’ve been talking to you, or anything.”

“I’m really glad you even offered me your number in the first place - which is literally the only reason why we’re here.”

“I offered you my number in lieu of a handshake,” she smirked. “Which I still owe you, by the way.”

He picked up his drink and took a sip. “I haven’t forgotten.”

“I was definitely going to give you my number regardless, I just wanted to play it cool.”

“If I remember correctly, I was the one who stopped you from leaving and asked for your name.”

She scoffed. “You thought, after all that, that I was really going to leave without telling you my name or giving you my number? I would’ve left the food in front of your door and ding-dong ditched you if I wasn’t interested.”

“Have you ever looked in a mirror? You’re completely out of my league.”

She huffed out a laugh. “Are you serious?!”

“You’re easily the prettiest woman I’ve ever seen, in my entire life.” 

“Now you’re just bluffing.”

“I’m telling the truth,” he said, his voice overcome with sincerity. He looked her dead in the eye. “I swear, I really didn’t think you would be interested in me.”

She smirked and shook her head. “Oh, honey, you were so, so wrong.”

He paused briefly before speaking again. “You know, I’ve been thinking about the circumstances that we met under, and it’s really unusual.”

“We literally only met because our deliveries were sent to each other’s apartments by mistake.”

“What are the odds of something like that happening twice, though?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged, raising an eyebrow. “Are you insinuating that it was fate for us to meet?”

“It’s just weird that the same thing happened twice, to the exact same people. During a time when people are supposed to be staying away from each other, nonetheless.”

“The reason why I asked is because I believe in fate,” she replied confidently. “They say lightning never strikes the same place twice - but in this case, it did. I don’t know what that necessarily means, but I’d like to believe that it’s a good omen.”

An awkward silence took over; the only noise to be heard was the sound of the engine running and the air conditioning forcefully pushing through the vents. 

“I’m done,” he said after a few moments, finally breaking the silence. “Do you want to go straight to get ice cream? Or should we keep driving for a while?”

“It’s up to you,” she shrugged, tossing her garbage into the now-empty bag. 

“I guess we could sit here for another few minutes, and then head over in that direction,” he stated, adding his trash to the bag as well. “So, tell me; do you prefer dogs or cats?”

“I would say that I am generally an animal lover, but if I had to pick, I would pick dogs. I love cats, too, but there’s just something about coming home and being greeted by a dog who missed you as much as you missed them.”

“Totally agree,” he nodded. “I’ve never had a dog, but I’ve always wanted one.”

She furrowed her eyebrows together. “You know our apartment complex allows dogs, right?”

“Yeah, but it’s such a big responsibility. I mean, now would probably be the best time because I’m literally home all day, but I’d have to talk to my roommate about it and do a lot of research.”

“I had a dog when I was a little girl,” she smiled, relishing the memory. “Every time I came home from school, he would be sitting by the front door, waiting to jump on me and give me kisses. He was my best friend when I didn’t have anyone else. I miss him a lot.”

“Why don’t you get a dog?” He asked.

She shook her head. “My roommate - the one who may or may not be coming back - is allergic. She wouldn’t even entertain the idea of one of those hypoallergenic dogs, either. But at the end of the day, her comfort in her home is more important than my wanting a dog.”

“That’s fair,” he sighed. He was very seriously starting to contemplate the possibility of getting a dog; logistically, it would be doable, if Ryder agreed. “You’re dangerous, you know.”

She laughed. “I know, but why?”

“Because now I’m thinking about getting a dog. You planted a seed in my head.”

“You were the one who asked me the question!”

“Yeah, but you’re the one who mentioned that our apartment allows dogs. And when I get home later, I think I’m going to ask my roommate how he feels about dogs,” he said, confidently.

“If you do decide to get a dog, I’d love to meet him or her.”

“Hell, you can come with me to pick it out,” he responded, but quickly clarified. “If you wanted to.”

“I’d love that,” she said, her face lighting up. “Just be prepared, I’ll want to pet all of the dogs.”

He chuckled. “I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself, though. For all I know, my roommate hates dogs or something.”

“He’d have to be a cruel person to hate dogs for no reason,” she pointed out.

“I mean, I don’t think he does. He’s really chill, actually. Sometimes he gets on my nerves, but most of the time, he minds his own business and we get along really well.”

“I had a really good relationship with my roommates, too. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but my lease is ending in August, and if my roommate doesn’t come back, then I may have to move out.”

His eyes widened with concern. “Why?”

“I can’t afford to live in a three bedroom apartment by myself,” she answered matter-of-factly. “It’s fine for now, but long-term? It’s not going to work.”

“Oh shit,” he muttered. “It would really suck if you had to move out.”

“I know,” she frowned. “And I could always look for roommates on Facebook, or by asking around. That’s how I found this apartment - through a friend of a friend. But I had a bad experience with a roommate back when I dormed, and I’m afraid of repeating that.”

“What happened?”

“She was just...awful. She wouldn’t clean up after herself, there was always a pile of dishes in the sink that I’m pretty sure she expected me to do, and she was always bringing over people without telling me first. You don’t even want to know what I would walk in on.”

“That’s really awful, I’m sorry you had to live with a person like that. Dorms are the worst.”

She sighed. “It’s okay, I only lived with her for the first two semesters. My next roommate was a lot better, but I’m still worried that if I let a stranger move in, it’ll be a repeat of freshman year.”

“Hopefully you’ll find someone that’s a good fit,” he replied, though he was worried about what would happen if she was forced to leave. 

“I really hope so, I like living here. It’s so close to school, and there are so many things to do in this area.” She wanted to add ‘and you’re here,’ but she didn’t want to jump the gun. Whatever it was, it was still too new, and she didn’t know what was going to happen between the two of them. Sure, they'd already talked about going on other dates in the future, and they both seemed to be on the same page about a lot of things, but it still felt like it was entirely too soon to say something like that.

He cleared his throat. “Yeah, this is a pretty nice area. It would really be a shame if you had to move somewhere else.”

“I literally don’t even know where I would go. And if I can’t find an affordable one bedroom apartment, then I’ll still have to worry about the roommate situation.”

“I know it’s impossible, but try not to worry about it,” he assured her. “May literally just started yesterday, so you’ve got some time to figure things out. We won’t let you be forced to go back to New York, or be homeless, or something.”

“We?”

“My roommate and I. Or his sister; she’s awesome, and would take you in without batting an eye, but she lives an hour away so that really wouldn’t help you. Or I could ask one of my friends, I’m sure -”

She reached out and put her hand on his arm, dragging him back from his rambling. “I have friends, you know,” she laughed. “Thank you, though. I really appreciate you looking out for me. I just don’t want to impose on anyone.”

“I doubt you’d be imposing on anyone,” he said, firmly. What he wanted to tell her was that he also lived in a three-bedroom unit, and there was a spare, unoccupied bedroom. The only thing holding him back was that it was the first date and you can’t ask someone you’re “seeing” to move in with you that quickly - it was too forward, and a little creepy. 

“It’s a lot to ask. ‘Hey, I have nowhere to go and need a place to stay, but I have an entire apartment’s worth of furniture and stuff that I have to bring with me.’ Not exactly a good selling point.”

“You can always put some stuff in a storage unit.”

She narrowed her eyes, her lips curling upward into a smirk. “Stop trying to use logic on me.”

“Sorry.” He raised his hands in surrender. “I just...would hate to see you leave.”

“Me too,” she sighed. “I don’t want to leave.”

He pursed his lips, and they were both quiet for a moment. He glanced over at Anna, and noticed that she was staring at her lap, her expression sullen. “What do you say we head over to Dairy Queen now?”

“That would be wonderful,” she answered, a small smile reappearing on her face.

[littlesugarwords]

Walking Dead Game FanFiction - “A Little Busted Up”

Title: A Little Busted Up Characters: Clementine, AJ, Javier, Eleanor Summary: Javi tries to teach AJ baseball but the poor kid ends up batting a ball into Clem's face, giving her a broken nose and a nasally voice. Author's Note: I hope this one is okay agh it’s my first time writing in a little while :( Requested By: Anonymous support me with ko-fi ♡ ---------♥️♥️♥️----------

Javier’s eyes widened, sparkling as though he was a child on Christmas. “Really?”

AJ blinked, confused by his reaction, but nodded nonetheless.

“Really really?”

AJ blinked again, turning to Clementine to silently ask for an explanation. The teen rolled her eyes, dropping her crossed arms and shooting Javi one of her signature looks. “Yes, Javi. He’s serious. He wants to learn.”

AJ looked between the two of them: the trail Javier shredded into the dirt to Clementine wearing her hesitant gaze. “Clem?” He asked.

“I think you just made his year.” Was all she said in return.

Based on the excitement Javier showed as he darted down the sidewalk, eyes bright and hopeful like nothing she’d ever seen before, she knew she was right.

“Okay, let’s get started!” He sang, juggling all the supplies in his arms.

He failed. They scattered on the ground, but he seemed too eager to care. As strange as it was to Clementine — after all, she’d never seen him this excited about anything — it was charming. Especially thanks to how sweet he was toward AJ.

“Where do we start?”

“With finding you a proper bat.”

Given the nature of the apocalypse, they didn’t have a lot of sports supplies to work with. Clem was lucky that when she was a kid, when they were staying in that ratty Motor Inn, they were early enough into the End Times that the abandoned soccer and basketballs there still had some air in them.

Unfortunately for AJ, those days were long gone. Ways of leisure had long since deflated, and sporting equipment was now used as means of defence against ‘the enemies’; whoever that might be that week.

So, the best they had to work with were a couple of heavy-duty tree limbs Javier had set aside. “Not ideal,” he said, “but good enough for now.”

For now. That implied there would be more in the future.

Who was Clementine kidding. Of course there would be more in the future. That was Javier Garcia; the king of showing off. He was bored as sin whenever there wasn’t a raid or an attack, so of course he’d leap at the chance to show a protégé what made him famous in his past life.

“Stand like this.” Carefully, Javier positioned AJ’s hands against the club, then holding his ankles while adjusting how far apart his feet should be. Javi stood upright to demonstrate, then knelt down to adjust his student.

AJ fumbled as he was adjusted, his eyes trained on Javier the entire time. From afar, Clementine crossed her arms and smiled, watching how gentle Javier was whenever he laid his hands on AJ.

She’d only ever told him portions of what happened to AJ — to both of them — at the ranch. She didn’t like going into detail. Yet, that was all he needed for him to treat both of them so kindly, but certainly AJ.

Frankly, that meant more to Clementine than him being gentle to her.

“This is how you swing,” Javi began. To demonstrate, he took the bat from AJ’s hands, swinging it as an example. “See?” He repeated the action — slower this time — to break everything down step by step. “Bend your knee, tuck it inward, and swing your arms up and over your shoulder.”

AJ furrowed his brows, wavering from foot to foot. Clem could tell he was antsy now that he saw just how much went into it. It wasn’t just hitting a ball with a stick out of vengeance. “Okay.”

Noticing this, Javier gave a small smile and knelt again, holding the make-shift bat out to him. “We’ll practice together before I actually throw a ball, okay?”

AJ’s tense shoulders immediately deflated. “That would be good.”

Clementine, silently from the background, agreed.

Once more, she watched as AJ practised, and watched as Javi made him freeze in place, correcting his position. “Bend your knee a little more.” He’d say, adjusting his stance for him. Then, he accepted the child’s wrists into his hands. “And put your arms about here,” he said, rolling out the ‘o.’

“Okay,” AJ said, nodding. He did another practice swing.

To that, Javier smiled. It was still sloppy, but for a beginner, Javier had high hopes. “You’re almost a pro.” He pat AJ on the right shoulder as he spoke.

The gleam in AJ’s eyes as his stance relaxed said everything the child didn’t know how to. “Really?”

“Definitely.” Javi chuckled, patting his shoulder once more before starting away “Ready to try this for real?”

“Yes!”

Clementine smiled warmly, relaxed and confident. Javi knew what he was doing; it had been his job, after all. He wouldn’t be sending AJ a ball if he didn’t think he was equipped to hit it.

So, Javier stood paces away, watching the boy and asking if he was ready. At the child’s confirmation, watching him get into the proper stance, Javier threw and AJ swung.

And oh was Clementine right. He did hit it. He nailed it, and he sent it flying straight for her.

AJ’s eyes widened. Clementine backed away. Javier froze.

But none of it was worth it. None of it changed anything.

There was a smack, a scream that cut straight to bone, and suddenly Clementine was laying in a heap on Richmond’s dirt floor.

“Clem!” AJ wailed, dropping his bat and starting closer to her.

*Javier’s body was stiff, numbly taking steps closer to the girl on the ground. When he spotted the blood spurting to the ground below her, his pace quickened. “Clementine!” He called, darting as fast as he could.

Before he even reached her, she was holding a hand out toward him, waving him away, scoffing and sighing through the blood pouring out from her fingers. “I’m fine!” She called. It was muffled due to where her hand was, shielding her nose and mouth.

“Clem, move your hand.” She didn’t, but Javier was too worried to get mad. “AJ? AJ, go get Eleanor.”

“We don’t need to—“ “Go!” Javier said again, silencing the girl more forcefully than intended as he turned to the child. AJ’s eyes were glossy and dewy, but he nodded, obeying Javier rather than Clem, and fumbling away.

Clementine shook her head, more spurts of blood splattering onto the dirt. “We don’t need Eleanor.”

“You’re bleeding, Clem. We do.”

“I’ve bled before.”

“Not like this. Move your hand.” Javier had a hand on one of her shoulders, the other sweetly brushing at the side of her face, trying to get her to face him.

She was hesitant, despite his reassuring touches. By the time she caved, moving her hand and giving Javier a better look, his fear had only grown. His stomach churned. His hope faded. “Clem, it doesn’t look good.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think it’s broken.”

Clementine groaned which, frankly, wasn’t the reaction Javier was expecting. He knew Clementine was a tough cookie, but he expected tears or whimpers, not a dissatisfied groan. She acted as though it was more of an inconvenience rather than something actively causing blood to gush from her face.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” She groaned.

By the time AJ had scurried back, Eleanor was at his side. She had a small medical kit in her arms — only the essentials seeing as she hated to waste — and knelt in front of the girl.

“Okay,” Eleanor said through a sigh, also seemingly more irritated than genuinely concerned. “Just sit still. We’re gonna clean this away and see what we’re working with.”

Unfortunately for everyone, after cleaning away the blood pouring from Clem’s face, and after stuffing her nose with clumps of tissues, it didn’t mask the obvious tilt her nose now had.

“Oh no.” Eleanor stated, pulling the bloody cloth she’d been using to clean the girl’s face away in shock. “It’s definitely broken.”

Clementine groaned even louder this time than she had before. “You’re kidding.”

Javier furrowed his brows, staring at Clementine, trying to see if what he heard was correct.

Eleanor shook her head, stuffing the bloody cloth back into her medical kit and snapping it closed. “Unfortunately, I can’t do anything about that.”

“Nothing?” Clementine scoffed, tugging the tissues out of her nose. They only had faint splotches of blood on them, meaning the bleeding was finally beginning to slow. “So what? Am I just supposed to live with my nose like this?”

Javier’s brows relaxed as he bit down on his lower lip, chewing on it anxiously, trying to stop the laugh that was bubbling in his stomach. Stomach laughs were always the loud ones. He needed to force it back.

Eleanor stood, shoving her medical kit under her arm. “For now? Yes.” Catching Clementine’s very obvious glare past her horribly askew nose, Eleanor stiffened and looked away. “I’ll see what I can do.” Then, nose upturned, body stiff and stressed, she walked away.

And Javier, failing on holding his demeanour, let a small squeal escape. Clementine’s gaze snapped to him, and he slapped a hand over his mouth. AJ beside him, brows knit and terrified, didn’t react.

“What.” Clem snapped, a bitter statement rather than a question.

Javi didn’t move his hand, contemplating how he was going to go about handling this without coming off as insensitive. He cleared his throat, removing his hand, sucking his lips in before daring to speak. “You just sound different.”

She blinked. Javi’s shoulders tensed. “Sound different?” She asked, daring him to continue.

Javier sucked in his lips again, closing his eyes to compose himself.

Clementine didn’t give him the luxury. “Javi, stop being a jerk!” She snapped, standing up and glaring his way. Her crooked nose and nasally speech was too much for him to handle.

“I can’t help it!” He squealed, hands waving, his lungs heaving at how ridiculous she sounded. Beside him, AJ still didn’t fully understand what was happening. He raised a brow and looked around, trying to understand what the joke was.

“Javi!”

Javier fell to his knees, unable to get over how ridiculous her voice sounded as she angrily yelled his name. “Oh my God, Clem.”

“Stop laughing! This is your fault!”

He wheezed even harder. “I know! I know and I feel terrible.” The last word barely came out; it was almost all air. “But at least you’re okay!” He wheezed, trying desperately to redeem himself.

Clementine glared, attempting to scrunch her nose but flinching due to the pain. Wanting to avoid kicking Javier while he was down — literally — she turned and stormed away, making her way toward Eleanor’s tent to see if she’d come up with anything.

Just when Javier thought he was regaining his composure, and just as he was wiping the tears from his eyes, he heard Clementine yell something from over her shoulder.

“Fuck you, Javi.”

He lost it all over again.

AJ, still at his side, frowned. “Maybe baseball was the wrong sport to learn.” ---------♥️♥️♥️----------

[imagine-korea]

Comfort - Chen Mafia! AU

@ilook-soperfectstandinghere14 :  Hi there, I recently had a very horrible day at work where comments kept building (mainly from my boss) and I ended up crying… please could I have a EXO or bts or monsta x mafia scenario with any member/s where this has happened and they comfort the reader please?? Thank you xx

Here you go!! Sorry it took a while. And this was a bit rushed, too, so it isn't proofread or anything. I'm really sorry!

xoxo, 🍪

“I'm home.” Your voice echoed through the large mansion as two men in black held the giant oak doors open for you. You gave them a thanks, before continuing on your way.

His mansion was big; which was understandable. For he was the one and only Chen, one of the senior members in the dangerous mafia group EXO. But you knew better than that. You knew him as Kim Jongdae; not Chen. Despite the ruthless façade with the taunting smirk that never seemed to leave his face, you knew he was human, too. He was just Kim Jongdae, someone who needed to be loved.

Meanwhile, you were a simple person who was happily living their life. But nonetheless, fate had other plans and here you were. The significant other to Jongdae. Being his partner was actually easier than you thought, as Jongdae didn't want to put you in danger. Only his team members, his mansion workers, and bodyguards knew about you. Parties and meetings, you prefer to pass. After all, you have your own job.

“Do you really have to work there? You know I make more money than your one year allowance, right?” Jongdae had once said to you, taunting you with a raised eyebrow. You rolled your eyes at him.

“Jongdae, I'm (l/n) (y/n), not some sort of famous rich person. I wasn't born into this life, hell, I wasn't even made for this life,” you huffed. “I don’t want to depend on you solely, you know. What if you're not here anymore? I need to make money somehow.”

Jongdae frowned, “I'm not going anywhere. And besides, it's not safe. Please, at least let me assign a driver to pick you up.”

“Sure, Jongdae. (y/n) the mere office worker with an average income riding a limousine? Totally not suspicious.”

That was ages ago. Jongdae let you win almost every argument, so he gave in on that one, too - though he did sometimes assign someone to accompany you. Sometimes, though, you wish he didn't. Some days you wished he persisted on you not having to go to work.

Those days were days like today. You had one shitty day at work, starting from staining your favorite jacket with coffee, a broken printer, computer crashed before you saved your file, a short-tempered boss, and you despised every second of it.

Your heels were discarded on the kitchen floors as you reached on the counter to grab a bottle -- something that can take your mind off of this pessimism, at least. It wasn't helping, though. You found yourself still feeling like shit, if not more.

Walking into the living room, you saw one of his henchmen. You asked where Jongdae was. He said that Jongdae had a meeting, and that he'll be back soon. Great, now your mood was basically six feet under.

You felt helpless, like life was unfair. Where was your comfort when you needed it? You let your tear duck flow open and just started bawling in front of the henchmen. He stared at you worriedly, contemplating on what to do as you cried, sniffled and whined. The man got you a box of tissues, and left you to your privacy as you put on some crappy romance movies and sipped (read : chug) on your drink.

Halfway through the first movie, there was a loud slamming of doors and a faint “Where's (y/n)?!” from the front door. The clicking of his expensive shoes on the marble tiles became louder as he stormed in the living room to bestow upon the sight of your puffy eyes and sniffly nose, and popcorn scattered on the carpet. But his eyes, the ones that you longed for so badly, was focused solely on your figure.

“Hey, baby.” Jongdae gave you a soft smile, his first panicked and cold stature melting away as you broke into fits of sobs again. He opened his hands, offering you a hug which you gladly gave into. Sobs wracked your body, vibrating onto Jongdae's warm ones as he caressed your hair softly.

“It’s okay,” Jongdae hushed your cries. “Just tell me what happened.”

And so, you did. For what seemed like hours, you told him everything that has been bothering you, all the while Jongdae just nodded in understanding. He cradled you in his arms, placing his chin on top of your head.

“I want to quit my job,” you admitted. “It sucks.”

Jongdae frowned, “But you’ve worked so hard on it, and you were the one who fought so hard to keep it. Are you sure?”

“I don’t know, Jongdae,” You ran a hand through your unkempt hair. “I honestly don't know.”

“Well, I’m okay with whatever you choose," Jongdae shrugged. “But really, (y/n). Bad days happen to everyone - including you, and me.

“We just have to suck it. It hurts, but at least you have someone to comfort you - just like you do to me,” he ended with a smile. When you look up at him with red eyes, he continued.

“Remember that one time where I broke the vase near the front door because Baekhyun was being a dick?” he hummed, and you let out a giggle. “It wasn’t my fault! He was the one who jeopardized the mission, and Junmyeon blamed me instead. How unfair.” he pouted.

And so the both of you spent the rest of the night drinking out your sorrows as you searched your memories for funny moments, like the time where a passerby thought that Minseok and Jongdae were a gay couple - “We’re not, for Christ’s sake, I wasn’t even  holding his hand!” - and the other time where Sehun had everyone bring him different flavors of bubble tea because he won the bet.

By the end of the night when fatigue kicked in, you were another crying mess - but this time, it was the tears of joy and awe. Jongdae was a bad guy and did illegal stuff for a living, yes, but that doesn’t make his heart any less kind.

You’ve fought. But in moments like this where everything disappears and it’s only Jongdae, his sparkling eyes and boisterous laugh, or his loud whines - you cherished all of them.

Wrapping your arms around his neck, you hugged him tight, whispering a small thank you. Jongdae seemed to be taken aback by the action and he froze on the spot.

Not long after, though, he wrapped his own arms around your fragile figure and hugged you tightly, nuzzling into your hair.

The back pains the next morning from sleeping on that position on the couch was nothing but worth it.

[lightsandlostbells]

Skam Italia episode 7 reaction

Edoardo: looking good just by comparison.

Clip 1 - A sandwich and a spoon

This is not a substantial comment but Silvia’s sandwich made me hungry.

So Silvia made out with the famous Rocco Martucci? That was the guy eyeballing her? I guess since we got a visual, he can’t be Italian Julian Dahl.

If I didn’t know better from having seen where the storyline goes, I’d say Silvia does a fairly convincing job of acting like she doesn’t care about Edoardo. You know, except for the part where she’s already making travel plans to accompany them on their vacation.

Lmao, Silvia and Eleonora allowed this spoon sucking to go on when Martino was right there in their faces. I appreciated how awkward this scenario was and that like, none of them attempted to make small talk to distract from Fede’s innuendo.

Clip 2 - Skate park

That skate park looks fun. It kinda looks like a swimming pool that was converted into something else, based on the colors, but I’m assuming it was always a skate park. But on that note, the visuals and colors of Skam Italia are usually great. I’m not going to do an in-depth analysis at the moment but it seems like the majority of scenes are very warm with a lot of brown/orange/yellow, and sometimes they do a scene that sticks out to me because it’s so cool and blue. It’s all rather striking. And of all the remakes, this one is making the most of its setting (Skam Austin is doing some things with the city but I feel way more of a sense of place in Skam Italia than Druck or Skam France).

I like when the Isak character prods Eva a little to tell him what’s up, since I think it fits what Isak is about to do to her in a few scenes, and because I always wonder why Eva didn’t just tell Noora if she was feel guilty - it helps to have the prompt from Isak to get out her confession. That being said, Eva and Martino’s relationship has been established as close and comfortable on its own merits that I can certainly buy Eva opening up to him. They’ve put in the work to make them have a rapport.

Lmao, Martino making that hand motion about Fede and her spoon. Thanks for the S3 teaser!

Tiny thing but when Eva swallows out of anxiety, you can see Martino half out of frame swallow right after she does, like he’s got some conflict on his own. That might not even be a conscious choice but it’s a good acting detail nonetheless. I think I mentioned previously that these actors have known each other for years and it’s stuff like that, the mimicry and feeding off each other, which makes the chemistry more convincing.

Yeah, this is my favorite Eva-Isak friendship after the original by far, so it’s really going to sting when the reveal happens.

Clip 3 - The wall

I’m glad that Eleonora checked in whether Edoardo wrote back to Silvia before she snapped her back to reality. You know, just in case he did.

Also in this scene Silvia still seems stuck in Edoardoland and firmly convinced that he’s into her, whereas I remember Vilde seeming a little deflated and knowing that Noora would not approve of her talking about William when she entered the scene. She’s pretty good at putting up a confident front when she needs to.

I think Silvia’s hooking up with Rocco Martucci was a misguided attempt to make Edoardo jealous and get him back, which is too bad. I wish she was legit trying to have fun or move on. I know for plot reasons that’s not how it goes, but still.

Both Eleonora and Eva were very sweet to Silvia and not too harsh or judgmental.

I really love making it into a wall of conquests instead of the sweatshirts, and I appreciate that Silvia gets to save face a little bit since the sweatshirt is a public “I fucked Edoardo” marker but the wall gets to preserve her anonymity and (some of) her dignity while still communicating that the boys think of the girls as trophies. But I almost hate it, because now I need that scene where the girls paint over or draw or deface the wall in some way, and I don’t think I’ll get it. Give me that thing, Skam Italia! 

For a minute I thought Eva was going to pull out a marker or something and draw over the chart. 

Based off the wall, Rocco Martucci sure has been busy.

Clip 4 - Eva on the phone with “mom”

Federico roleplaying as Eva’s mom toward the end of that phone conversation … I’ve never been a huge fan of P-Chris or any version of this character but this is a detail I often forget and I have no idea why, it’s one of the best things he ever did.

Gio deserves all the roasting he can get about his weed use. It’s nice that he’s being honest about having weed on him, but like … she’s made it clear he behaves like an asshole when he’s high, and that this isn’t some vague ideological problem for her but something based on his past behavior. So some of the banter is cute and all but him offering her some pot, even in a joking way, annoys me more than it should with this dynamic in mind. Dammit, Gio.

Clip 5 - Eleonora goes in on Edoardo

Silvia opening with some random mundane topics was kind of cute - either a bit clueless and rambling, much like her many many texts to the girls, or you can also take away that she was building up to the big news and trying to psych herself up.

I’m glad Eva called Sana on the dignity comment since that always seemed like one of the least necessary Sana comments about Vilde, particularly in this context, and probably just egged her on to confront him.

Silvia didn’t need any convincing from the girls whereas Noora was encouraging Vilde in the other versions. Silvia is dead set on it.

I like how they built up to it with the catchy music that cuts out as Edoardo bursts Silvia’s confidence bubble.

Sooo … Edoardo is still a dick, but maybe less of a dick that William? Who knew?

He still does the fake forgetting Silvia’s name, and his comment about the wall is outright lying but not as personal of an attack. He does laugh more at her which is a dick move, especially in front of his crew. However, he doesn’t tell her she isn’t worth it.

“What were you doing behind the boys’ toilets?” I’m assuming he’s insinuating that she’s a slut? That’s horrible and Edoardo is a creep, but I also have less of a fuuuuuuck youuuuuuu feeling toward him. Because the whole thing about Vilde not being worth it/not being pretty enough plays directly into Vilde’s worst insecurities and body image. And we’ve seen that Silvia has the body image issues as evidenced by her picking at her sandwich. I’m not positive that Silvia has the same hangups about being labeled a slut? She has the hesitation to go upstairs with Eduardo and you could interpret that as fear of her reputation, but she’s also down to make out with Rocco Martucci and stresses that she wanted to.

So while I want to make it clear, Edoardo is being an asshole, and being called a slut is hurtful and misogynistic … I actually will find this easier to forgive than William’s comments. I mean it mostly depends on how Edoardo reacts in future episodes, whether he regrets it or not, how it all plays out, but so far he doesn’t have as high of a hurdle in getting me to like him. Like how is Edoardo going to justify his comments the same way in S2 when Eleonora calls him on it? It’s not the same context. (And again: NOT excusing slut-shaming but I think there may be a difference in terms of how someone with poor self-image might perceive this comment, because “slut” is an insult dependent on behavior, vs. telling someone they aren’t pretty enough which is perceived as a more inherent, unchangeable characteristic. But again, William’s comment directly feeds into Vilde’s ED; how will Edoardo’s comment affect Silvia on a similar level? “Slut” doesn’t have much to do with an ED, at least not in an obvious way.)

Lmao, I feel kinda gross writing anything vaguely positive about Edoardo in this scene, since “not as much of a dick as he could have been” is not a ringing endorsement, but since this incident is a huge roadblock in me liking William in the original version, it’s worth talking about.  

This was also the best version of this roasting in the remakes. Eleonora has the attitude to back up her comments, and Edoardo has some personality in how he responds to her. 

Love that Eleonora got in her comment about his stupid hair as a last dig, but also, Edoardo has the best hair of any of the Williams, IMO.

Clip 6 - Fight

Gio opens his mouth so much for the kisses, damn. I’m not knocking him, I would rather see enthusiastic kisses than a bunch of pathetic pecks, but the dude is like Pac-Man.

Um that bit about the teacher siding with Alice over Federico and making him run laps is really funny, but you can see why it would alarm Eva, because she realizes she’s on the side of the bad guy in this situation. Would the teacher side with Alice against Eva, too?

The fight was brutal! All the girls jumped in to protect Eva. Sana went in with the dictionary, Silvia with the backpack. Eleonora is straight-up snarling by the end. Eva wasn’t even fighting after a certain point, just standing back as her girls defended her. The most heartwarming brawl of all time.

General Comments:

How does Skam Italia have the worst Jonas (outside of Marlon from Skam Austin) and the best William? How?

Listen, I am really not expecting to love Eleonora/Edoardo or Edoardo himself. It’s not a relationship type I’m fond of, he’s not a character archetype I enjoy. But if they can eliminate the worst of his behavior and modify certain actions ... then I can be fine with him and with the ship. I am being very, very hesitant to assume Skam Italia will make enough radical changes just because they did a few things that weren’t as bad; however, I am willing to give it a chance. 

It’s kind of funny because there was a rumor going around that they’ll jump to Martino’s story in S2 instead of Eleonora’s and lmao, not sure how legit that is but of course they would do it for the one remake where I hate the William the least. Not that I’m objecting to the gay storyline getting the spotlight sooner, though I do wonder how they will adapt certain plot elements without the buildup (Eskild’s S2 introduction, Isak’s background storyline of dating Sara and living in the basement).

Skam Italia seems by far the most popular and well-liked of the European remakes, which I can quite understand. Skam France is too much of a copy without much of an individual personality and Druck, though I’ve liked many of the scenes and characters, has a lot of hiccups in terms of production and updates, which is unfortunately turning people off and making the show less accessible. Not to repeat myself too much but: I have some big gripes about Skam Italia but it’s for the most part consistent, is nicely made with beautiful locations and nice cinematography, and has integrated the local culture well, putting its own spin on the material and not being a direct copy. None of the actors have really wowed me so far but there are some likable personalities in the bunch. My hope is that they will keep it up and either improve on the Eleonora/Edoardo relationship, or do a respectful job of Martino’s story, depending on what S2 is. (Even though I don’t want them to attempt Evak 2.0 at all ... but that’s a larger topic.)

I’m not Italian so if I misunderstood or missed something, feel free to correct me. 

If you got this far, thank you for reading!

[bad-beats]

A Bowl of Bad Beets - Bad Beets Ch. 5 (12/16-1/5)

Ladies. Gentleman. Boy. Girls. Cats. Dogs. Degenerate Gamblers. Bookies. Welcome back to the Bad Beets Blog! I hope you had a fantastic holiday season and that your Sunday Scaries weren’t as bad as mine after my two-week absence from the office. This past month was full of NCAA bowl games, and bowl game szn and bad beet szn are basically synonymous. I already broke my New Year’s Resolution of having zero Bad Beets in 2020. Nonetheless, I am here to provide entertainment for all of you (albeit that it is in the form of my gambling misfortune). Let’s get after it.

12/17/19

League: NBA

Bet: Magic vs Jazz Under 209 (-110)

Units: 1.1 to win 1

Welcome back to another thrilling episode of “Life is too short to bet the under.” Thanks for being a recurring viewer. This is a classic NBA scenario: Magic down 1 with a minute left. Jazz score two buckets in a row. Magic play the fouling game to try to decrease the deficit. Jazz don’t miss free throws. 10 points scored in the final minute.

Bad Beet #1 just dips its feet in the water compared to the beets that are to come in the rest of this article.

12/18/19

League: NBA

Bet: Cavaliers -3 (-110)

Units: 2.2 to win 2

I will definitely take part of the blame for this beet. Why the hell I thought it was feasible that the Cavs could cover a 3-point spread at home is beyond me. The Cavaliers should never be favorites. Unfortunately, I didn’t listen to logic and took them -3 anyway. For most of the game, I was pretty proud of myself for this bet - I thought I had outsmarted Vegas. The Cavs were up double digits almost wire to wire. They took a 12-point lead into the fourth quarter. They were up 10 with 3:08 left in the game.

Enter “Scary Terry” Rozier. The guy couldn’t miss a three during the final 60 seconds. He channeled his inner Jimmer Fredette, pulling threes from 28+ feet.

Larry Nance Jr. missed a free throw with 31 seconds left with the Cavs up 5, and of course, Scary Terry drained a 28-footer just seconds later to cut the deficit to 2. Not to fear though, the Cavs got the ball back and were about to get fouled and head back to the line to try to cover again, right? WRONG! Colin Sexton dribbled the ball of his foot, turning the ball right back over to the Hornets. Scary Terry had a chance to win the game, but it rimmed in and out and the Cavs secured the rebound. With only a few seconds left, the Hornets didn’t foul, the Cavs didn’t get to shoot free throws, and they somehow didn’t cover the -3, and I couldn’t even escape with a push.

I forgot to mention that the Cavs had a 96% chance to cover with just three minutes left in the game according to The Action Network (@ActionNetworkHQ on Twitter). Bad Beet #2 of the week can be attributed to Scary Terry and the Lebron-less Cleveland Cavaliers.

12/19/19

League: NHL

Bet: Blackhawks vs Jets 1P over 1.5 (-150)

Units: 2.75 to win 1.85

As I have mentioned in previous blogs, there is little that is more exhilarating than betting first-period hockey totals. These bets can be instant wins if you take the over and the score is 1-1 after 2:33 seconds, or you can lose an under on a last-second goal 19:54 into the period. I love betting on the Blackhawks first-period overs this season because their defense ranks in the bottom third in goals allowed and they give up the most shots in the entire league at a whopping 35.95 per game. On the flip side of the puck, Patrick Kane can find the net faster than a fat kid can find a sleeve of Oreos.

The Hawks scored on the first shot of the game, 0:59 into the period. Alex Nylander beautifully put it home, and my bet was already halfway there with 95% of the time in the period remaining.

Someone please explain to me how the fuck one goal is scored on this first shot, and zero goals are scored on the following 28 shots. FUCK. Bad Beet #3 of the week. No words for this one.

12/21/19

League: NHL

Bet: Jets vs Wild 1P under 1.5 (Even)

Units: 0.8 to win 0.8

Remember how in the previous beet the Winnipeg Jets scored 0 goals off of 17 shots in the first period and screwed me out 1.85 units? These mother fuckers are the worst. In an uneventful first period against the Wild, they committed a penalty in a 0-0 game with just 6:30 remaining, proceeded to score a SHORTHANDED GOAL with 5 minutes left in the period, and for good measure scored with 6 seconds left to take a 2-0 lead into the break.

Fuck me. The Jets are on my shitlist. Bad Beet #4 of the week would have been non-existent if the Wild keeper could have not sucked for just 6 seconds longer (P.S. The Jets would go on to win this game 6-0).

3/26/2003

This is the day that the “Catch me outside, how bout dat,” girl was born. Also known as Danielle Bregoli, or by her rap name “Bhad Bhabie,” she is the queen of producing some absolutely horrific music during her short rap career.

I think it would be more appropriate to call her “Bhad Bheets.” Sheesh.

12/23/19

League: NCAAF - Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl

Bet: Live Bet - UCF vs Marshall over 73.5 (+155)

Units: 2.5 to win 3.85

I LOVE COLLEGE BOWL SEASON. I am a big proponent of these games: coaches are more inclined to go for it on 4th down, there are generally some crazy trick plays, and both teams have a similar chance to win the game. You all know how much I love betting the over, and for college bowl season, I bet the over 85% of the time (which doesn’t end up working out for me). However, on this game, I had such a good read on the over that I obviously took over 59.5 before the game started. UCF plays such with a rapid tempo, and I had a feeling this could turn into a shootout-esque game. Feeling greedy, I took the live bet over 73.5 (+155) sometime in the 2nd quarter. The score at halftime was 24-7. After a 39-point third quarter, I only needed 4 points in the last quarter of the game to hit my live bet. UCF kicked a field goal with 9:04 remaining in the game. I needed one singular point over the last 9 minutes of the game. Here are the final two drives...

Marshall went on a 12 play, 48-yard drive that stalled with a turnover on downs and ate up 4 minutes of clock. With UCF up 23, they weren’t using their usual fast-paced tempo to run their offense, which was unfortunate. However, they broke a 38-yard run with just over a minute left but got tackled at the Marshall 2-yard line. I was hoping they could just punch it in with a quick HB dive, which they attempted, and utterly failed, getting stuffed at the half-yard line. And that is how the game ended. 3 total points in the 4th, 73 overall and just a half-yard away from cashing this bet. Bad Beet #5 of the week gave me kidney stones.

1/1/2020

League: NCAAF - Sugar Bowl

Bet: Georgia vs Baylor over 42 (-120)

Units: 12 to win 10

I am not even going to go into how much this one hurt. I was having a rough New Year’s Day of gambling, so I decided I wanted to chase my losses (never a good idea, 10/10 would not recommend). I needed a bailout special just one day into the new year. I won’t go into a description of what happened in this bet because it will trigger me. I’ll just leave this here...

96% chance to cover the over 44 with 4:10 remaining in the 3rd quarter. 20 minutes of the game left, and I had the over 42, not even 44. I surmise that the cover % for the over 42 was closer to 98% at that point in the game. This beet motherfucked me. One of my worst of all time. #6 of the week and the first one of 2020. Definitely not a good omen for what is to come this gambling year.

1/3/2020

League: NCAAB

Bet: Illinois 1H +5.5 (-110)

Units: 2.2 to win 2

The Fighting Illini (my alma mater) basketball team has had a tail of two seasons. They have played like a top 25 team in the country at times, beating Michigan and annihilating Purdue at home, and also have choked away games at home to Miami and away at Maryland. This beet is unexplainable. Illinois hit a bucket with 0:34 left to decrease the deficit to just 5. MSU missed a layup with 27 seconds left and the Illini grabbed the board. There was no reason for MSU to even get another possession. With the shot clock turned off, Illinois could have held for the last shot of the half, and more importantly guaranteed a cover of the 5.5 point spread.

Just by reading the play-by-play, it looks like Trent Frazier committed the dumbest foul in the game with just one second left in the half, fouling a 3-point shooter as time expired. However, it was actually just the single worst call in basketball history (maybe an exaggeration, but my god was it a horrendous call). Take a look for yourself...

I hate how referees aren’t held accountable for their mistakes. The only job in the world where you can repeatedly mess up and have no repercussions. Going to be sending this ref a Venmo request for my 2.2 units back. Bad Beet #7 of the week was just plain assault.

1/2/2020

League: NBA

Bet: Heat 1H -3 (-110)

Units: 2.75 to win 2.5

The Miami Heat are 12-5-1 against the 1H spread at home this season. However, they could be 13-5 against the spread in the first half at home this season, if not for this horrible push. Miami was up 8 with the ball with 45 seconds left in the half. That’s all you need to know. They had no business not covering the 1H spread in this game.

The Raptors very eloquently executed the 2-for-1 situation at the end of the half, made a layup to shrink the deficit to 5, got a defensive board, and then OG Anunoby hit a buzzer-beater 3 to send the game to halftime with a 39-42 score. The Heat went scoreless over the last 2:14 of the half. Miserable push.

1/3/2020

League: NCAAF - Famous Idaho Potato Bowl

Bet: Live Bet - Ohio vs Nevada over 53.5 (-115)

Units: 3.5 to win 3

With a crazy name like the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl, obviously, something out of the ordinary was going to happen to my bet. Nevada was getting trounced by Ohio most of the game, but finally found some life in the 4th quarter, attempting to mount a furious comeback. They scored an early TD in the quarter, but botched the snap on the XP and could only come away with 6. They scored another TD soon after, which made the score 30-21.

*Insert inexplicably bad coaching decision #1*

The Nevada coach decided that he wanted to go for two points, down 9, to get that 2-point conversion out of the way. Literally every statistic screams to go for 1 in that scenario, make it an 8-point game to keep the deficit to only one score, and move on with the game. Obviously, Nevada didn’t successfully convert the 2-point try, so the score remained 30-21 with 8:49 remaining in the game. At this point in time, I only needed a FG to win my live bet of the over 53.5. Nevada stopped Ohio on their next drive, and got the ball down to 1st and goal with 4 minutes left, down by 2 scores.

*Insert inexplicably bad coaching decision #2*

Here is the play call on 1st and goal that the Nevada coach came up with...

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU RUNNING A DOUBLE REVERSE ON 1ST AND GOAL WITH YOUR TEAM DOWN TWO SCORES?!?! OF COURSE YOU ARE GOING TO TURN IT OVER. FUCK. YOU FUCKED MY BET.

Turns out this wasn’t the play that sent my bet to the grave, although I wish it was because how I actually ended up losing was far worse. After the fumble, Nevada used all 3 of their timeouts and stopped Ohio again. They got the ball back with 2:45. On the first play of their drive, a Nevada receiver broke free down the middle of the field for what would have surely been a touchdown. The only problem was that Carson Strong overthrew him by about 6 inches. Two plays later, Strong aired one out to their best receiver, Elijah Cooks, who hauled the ball in at the Ohio 8-yard line. Down 2 scores, Nevada needed both a TD and a field goal to win the game. After 3 straight incomplete passes, the field goal kicker trotted out to make it a one-score game with 1:54 remaining.

Wait...where was the field goal kicker?

*Insert inexplicably bad coaching decision #3*

YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS - THE ONLY EXPLANATION FOR WHY THE COACH WENT FOR IT ON 4TH AND GOAL FROM THE 8 WITH NO TIMEOUTS AND DOWN TWO SCORES WITH 1:54 LEFT IN THE GAME IS THAT HE BET ON OHIO! NO OTHER EXPLANATION. I NEED AN INVESTIGATION YESTERDAY! FUCK! BAD BEET #8 WAS ONE OF THE WORST BEETS OF MY LIFE!

1/4/2020

League: NCAAF - Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl

Bet: Live Bet - Tulane vs Southern Miss over 49.5 (-115)

Units: 5.75 to win 5

Frankly, I am out of breath after describing that last beet. I placed this live bet early in the 3rd quarter. Tulane scored 24 unanswered in that quarter, leading 30-13 heading into the last 15 minutes of the game.

After a scoreless first 13 minutes of the 4th quarter, Southern Miss threw a pick in the endzone on 1st and goal. Icing on the shit cake. Bad Beet #9 committed necrophilia with the corpse that was left after Bad Beet #8.

Well, folks, I hope reading this blog was far less miserable than my gambling experiences have already been in 2020. Let’s recap:

Bad Beet Count: 9

Unit Swing: 36 to win 31.5 (67.5 unit swing)

Well, that’s all for this week folks. Please Like and Share on https://www.facebook.com/badbeetsblog/ to offset some of my gambling misery. See you next week!

[iluvtv]

Hail Canada Part 2: The Only Thing Better Might Be A Julia Stiles-Athon

First of all, season four of Schitt’s Creek might just be the best one yet. For the past 3 years viewers have delighted as these characters have evolved from shallow, rich and whole heartedly self-centered humans into moderately less shallow, hard working, and occasionally compassionate ones. Through their process of growth we viewers too have evolved, slowly increasing our empathy for their foibles. Each character’s complex idiosyncrasies has become increasingly transparent and  four years after their comfortable lives were upended and they were forced up Schitts Creek, fans can see that they aren’t a family interested in just flailing along without a paddle.

While none of the Rose’s could be accused of executing their development with much grace or confidence they are, nonetheless, all marching forward. Alexis continues to pursue her education, allowing her social ambitions to take a back seat to her long term success. David is accepting his own vulnerability. Moira is clumsily attempting to offer genuine love and support to her friends and family and sweet John is rolling up his sleeves and executing real and actual teamwork. All four members of the Rose family are running their own increasingly successful businesses and all seem reluctantly aware that while squeezing into two bedrooms at a dingy motel is less than ideal, the love that fills their world now has only improved the lives they had while living in opulence.

In fact, (and I only say this because, well...it’s Hanukkah season and the Rose family is so fragrantly Jewish) the clan clearly represents the ancient Jewish narrative: The rug may have been ripped out from under us but through a bit of luck and grit (and of course being able to pass for white) we are able to scratch our way back up to success. 

There is absolutely no way I could do this remarkable season justice in just one blog so do yourself a favor and book a couple hours to get to know this charming family. This seriously is one of the best shows on television.  I literally love every single second of this show but perhaps my favorite story arc of season four was the intricacies of David’s first serious relationship. A squeamish, late blooming gay man who is so clearly new to love is just so darn relatable to my own personality. I can’t help but consider his screen time a bit of accidental humor therapy, if you will. All that being said, please don’t let my narcissism color your opinion of this lovely comedy couple. I’ll let you decide for yourself..

David's personality is best represented by his clear fear of love. His perpetual dramatics coupled with his tremendous mistrust of emotions (both his own and others) make for incredibly finicky antics resulting in a charming, highly relatable character. Particularly to humans  like me, who believe alcohol and drug use (recreational and otherwise) are a logical coping mechanism as opposed to others who believe in such insanity as emoting.

All that being said, the underlying story of season four is the evolution of the Rose's and as such, David's entrance into "real humanity" (beyond that previous silver-spoon reality-show-type existence in which he and his brood once lived) is coming to terms with being a healthy part of a couple.. The comical struggle here is nothing short of perfection. 

I probably could tell you every single amazing line he utters this season but I just won’t and instead here are a few stand out moments, most of which feature just how lovable an emotionally stunted narcissist can actually be. But, in the words of LaVar Burton, “You don’t have to take my word for it...”

To start, how about that time when Patrick comes clean that the kiss he shared with David at the end of season three was his first with a man, David admits that this kiss was a bit of a big deal on his end as well...

"This was first time I kissed someone I respected and thought was nice." 

(Just an FYI in case you were unclear, this is an ADULT man in his 30's!)

Or better yet, when Patrick and Stevie gang up on David for refusing to ever compromise and he points out that just last week he let Patrick choose the movie they watched:

Patrick: "You let me choose between two Sandra Bullock vehicles!"

To which David must assent that he in fact does suck at compromise, "Like Beyonce I excel as a solo artist and I was dressed by my mom well into my teens..." 

No matter, David stands by the fact that toilet plungers at the front of the store is clearly incorrect! (to which I say duh) leading to a tirade from David of everything he hasn’t yet mentioned that Patrick is doing horrible wrong, including his shoes. And while you, a healthy person who has had a few functional relationships may stop me here and say, “Sylv, this is a good time for Patrick to run for the hills,” I shake me head and say this is just the beginning of their true love! “But how?” you ask. Well by way of the put down David also refers to Patrick as his boyfriend. Both men are so thrown by this intentionally rude but also beautifully uninhibited step forward that they make out instead of continuing to argue. 

Now that’s romance!

And then there was that time when in an effort to beef up business at Rose Apothecary Patrick suggests hosting an open mic night. David responds to the very thought just as I would; with fabulous snobbery.

David: "I'm openly ill!"

Patrick insists it will help business and asks what's the worst that could happen? 

David: "The worst case scenario is I watch improv."

When Patrick moves forward with the idea anyhow (while also sharing his plan to perform at said mic) David's attitude shifts from negative to openly panicked. It is in this moment he says what I might argue to be the best line I heard in television in all of 2018: 

Voice dripping of sarcasm he states: "It's not scary or embarrassing to have the person you're dating sing at you with an acoustic guitar in front of people."

His fears are only exacerbated when Patrick reveals he will in fact be performing an original song! 

Yes David, I agree totally gross.

Patrick who is, in fact the perfect boyfriend for a man like David takes this rudeness in stride. “How so?” You ask. Well, continuing to trigger David's (clearly justified) nerves, of course. 

During the actual event David does what any sensible person would do, he drinks all the alcohol and hides in the corner with his mother (it’s easy to fade into the ether next to Moira, a notorious narcissist who fancies herself a famous actress). 

Mommy Dearest commiserates with her son’s crippling fears, "You are awfully brave allowing your beau to indulge like this."

 A woman of action, she offers to pull the fire alarm. And just as things seem to be taking a dark turn Patrick starts to perform and he is so unassumingly, wonderfully talented that the mood immediately shifts. David approaches the front of the crowd trying not to cry and Moira, unusually awed by a performance from someone other than herself, tells the Schitts: "My boy is being serenaded by his butter voiced beau." 

It is a wonderful call for hope (as it pertains to love). A novel idea, sure, but I'll stick with skepticism. Which, bear with me, might not be such a terrible idea as things really come to a head for the Rose children and their emotions in the barbecue episode. 

In what could be construed as a typical midseason trope, we find a complicated love conundrum as  David's struggle to accept requited love and Alexis' attempts to gracefully navigate the unrequited variety inadvertently collide. 

This episode flawlessly exemplifies exactly why opening your heart is just so freaking terrifying. From the terribly embarrassing (but sweet, I guess) enormous cookie frosted with the words “4 Months”, which is delivered to David in front of his entire family (I would probably literally die) to the family barbecue John decides to throw to celebrate his son's longest relationship ever, David’s ability to contain his disgust is bordering on non existent. 

Obviously, he rejects the very thought of the party, "I can't bring Patrick to a group of carnies eating burned meat," he nearly shrieks. To which our wise  matriarch calls out her son's pattern of rejection just as any mother would.

She warns,"You allowed your other relationships to prematurely oxidize because you can't embrace joy.”

That might be some sage motherly advice for us all to ruminate on in the new year. Thanks, Moira!

Anyhow, when David goes to chew out Patrick for the over the top cookie he is dissuaded from his attempts to skip over the very normal “four month anniversary” altogether by Patrick's suggestion of a date at "The Julia Stiles-athon" at the drive in.

                                              !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mention this not because it really drives our plot or even any of my points but instead because I am just so thrilled by the very thought! Which I suppose does drive my point a bit after all; David and I might be the same person. Turns out even my mom is starting to come to terms with the fact that I might be a big gay man stuck in a woman’s tiny body.  

But back to the story at hand, Moira does eventually convince David to go through with the barbecue, pointing out that Patrick sees her son for all that he is.

"Let us celebrate that. And he's bringing his guitar." 

Even a narcissistic mother can appreciate what a special thing it is to be loved this way.

And so David reluctantly relents and agrees to the grilled meat party, "but I draw the line at a sing along!"

Happily ever after, right? 

Not so fast!

Here we are presented with said plot twist, when iIn a painful merging of storylines, Alexis's character development into humility and acceptance of her love of Ted as wholly unrequited manages to muck up David's struggle to accept both himself and more importantly his worthiness of others emotional attachment.

This surprise turn is too important and slightly too complicated for me to regale you with the details but suffice to say it doesn't end well and ultimately David runs out on both the barbecue and Patrick.

Irate he chastises Patrick for encouraging him to trust love."Not trusting people is my comfort zone." 

Amen brother.

As the season continues we follow the conflict of these two (wonderfully incompetent) men’s struggle as they work to finesse their way into a functional  relationship. This quest also leads to lovely and hilarious moments of equally incompetent support from David’s loved ones

In spite (or maybe because) of the cultivated cliches of these moments we watch David's growth include the acknowledgement of the platonic love which has so sweetly grown between himself and Stevie. At the tail end of a horrific vacation, the two share a food poisoning induced moment inside a very cheesy spa. 

"Historically speaking the more I revealed of myself the less interested people got," David admits.

As she tries to persuade David that Patrick just isn't that type of person she adds "And I still like you."

"I think you're like my best friend" he tells her.

It is then they both realize neither of them have ever actually had a best friend before.

"This would be a really sweet moment if it weren't so sad." He says as she dashes back to the loo.

I'll save myself the trouble and the inevitable nail biting spoilers by not revealing David’s (and the rest of the Rose family's) other fabulous self-deprecating and equally vain, neurotic one liners but suffice to say every single moment this season is amazingly quote-worthy. 

From a dating app named Bumpkin (an online social hub for rural singles) to a baby sprinkle ("that's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard”) watching the Roses claw their way to dignity year after year is a true delight. 

Thank you for your service Canada.

[judeblenews-blog]

An ode to Apple’s awful MacBook keyboard

Yes I am very late to this. But I am also very annoyed so I am adding my voice to the now sustained chorus of complaints about Apple’s redesigned Mac keyboard: How very much it sucks. Truly, madly, deeply. This is the keyboard that Apple “completely redesigned” in 2015, in its quest for size zero hardware, switching from a scissor mechanism for the keys to what it described then as the “new Apple-designed butterfly mechanism” — touting this as 40% thinner and 4x more stable. Reader, there is nothing remotely beautiful and butterfly-esque about the experience of depressing these keys. Scattershot staccato clattering, as your fingers are simultaneously sucked in and involuntarily hammer out a grapeshot of key strikes, is what actually happens. It’s brutalist and unforgiving. Most egregiously it’s not reliably functional. The redesigned mechanism has resulted in keys that not only feel different when pressed vs the prior MacBook keyboard — which was more spongey for sure but that meant keys were at reduced risk of generating accidental strikes vs their barely-there trigger-sensitive replacements (which feel like they have a 40% smaller margin for keystrike error) — but have also turned out to be fail prone, as particles of dust can find their way in between the keys, as dust is wont to do, and mess with the smooth functioning of key presses — requiring an official Apple repair. Yes, just a bit of dust! Move over ‘the princess and the pea’: Apple and the dust mote is here! ‘Just use it in a vacuum’ shouldn’t be an acceptable usability requirement for a very expensive laptop. Apple has also had to make these keyboards quieter. Because, as I say, the act of using the keyboard results in audible clackclackery. It’s like mobile phone keyclicks suddenly got dizzingly back in fashion. (Or, well, Apple designers got to overindulge their blue-sky thinking around the idea that ‘in space no one can hear you type’.) Several colleagues have garnered dagger glances and been told to dial it down at conferences on account of all the key clattering as they worked. Yet a keyboard is made for working. It’s a writing tool. Or it should be. Instead, Apple has made a keyboard for making audible typos. It’s shockingly bad. As design snafus go, this is up there with antenna-gate. Except actually it’s much worst. You can’t not ‘hold it in that way’. You can’t press keys on a keyboard radically differently. I guess you could type really slowly to try to avoid making all these high speed typos. But that would have an obvious impact on your ability to work by slowing down your ability to write. So, again, an abject mess. I’ve only had this Oath-issued 2017 MacBook Pro (in long-held-off exchange for my trusty MacBook Air, whose admittedly grimy and paint-worn keys were nonetheless 100% functional after years of writerly service) for about a month but the keys appear to have a will of their own, whipping themselves into a possessive frenzy almost every time they’re pressed, and spewing out all manner of odd typos, mis-strikes and mistakes. This demonic keyboard has summoned Siri unasked. (Thanks stupidly pointless Touch Bar!)  It has also somehow nearly delivered an ‘I’m not interested’ auto-response to a stranger who wrote me at length on LinkedIn to thoughtfully thank me for an earlier article. (Fortunately I didn’t have auto-send enabled so I could catch that unintended slapdown in the act before it was delivered. No thanks to the technologies involved.) At the same time Caps Lock routinely fails to engage when pressed, as if it’s practising for when it’ll be broken. It equally countlessly fails to disengage when re-pressed. ‘Craps Out Lock’ more like. I fear it’s beset by dust motes already. Which is hard to avoid because, y’know, everything in the world is made of dust. The keyboard also frustrates because of the jarring juxtaposition of having individual keys that depress too willingly, seeming to suck the typos from your fingers as letters get snatched out of sequence (and even whole words coaxed out of line), coupled with a backspace key that refuses to perform quickly enough (I’ve had to crank it right up to the very fastest setting) so it can’t gobble up the multiple erroneous strikes quickly enough to edit out all the BS the keyboard is continually spewing. The result? A laptop that’s lightning quick at creating a typo-ridden mess, and slow as hell to clean it up. In short, it’s a mess. A horrible mess that makes a mockery of the Apple catchphrase of yore (‘it just works’) by actively degrading the productivity of writing — interrupting your work with pointless sound and an alphabetic soup of fury. The redesigned keyboard has been denounced by Apple loyalists such as John Gruber — who in April called it “one of the biggest design screwups in Apple history“. He precision-hammered his point home with this second economical sentence: “Everyone who buys a MacBook depends upon the keyboard and this keyboard is undependable.” Though it was Casey Johnson, writing for The Outline, who raised the profile of the problem last year, kicking up a major stink over her MacBook keys acting up (or dead) after a brush with invisible dust. Since then keyboard-related problems have garnered Apple at least one class action lawsuit. Meanwhile, the company has responded to this hardware headache of its own design like the proverbial thief in the night, quietly fiddling with the internals when no one was looking. Most notably it slotted in a repair earlier this year, when it added a sort of silicon gum shield to wrap the offending butterfly mechanism, which is presumably supposed to prevent dust from wreaking its terribly quotidian havoc. (Though it’s no use to me, right here, right now, with my corporate provisioned 2017 MBP.) We know this thanks to the excellent work done by iFixit this summer, when it took apart one of Apple’s redesigned redesigned keyboards and found a thin rubberized film had been added under the keycaps. (Looking at this translucent addition, I am reminded of Alien designer HR Giger’s biomechanical concoctions. And of Ash’s robotic hard-on for poking around inside the disemboweled facehugger. But I digress.) Shamelessly Apple tried to sell this tweak to journalists as solely a fix for those noisy key clicks. iFixit was not at all convinced. “This flexible enclosure is quite obviously an ingress-proofing measure to cover up the mechanism from the daily onslaught of microscopic dust. Not — to our eyes — a silencing measure,” it wrote in July. “In fact, Apple has a patent for this exact tech designed to “prevent and/or alleviate contaminant ingress.” And the date on Apple’s ingress-proofing key-cap condom patent? September 8, 2016. Read that and weep, MacBook Pro second-half 2016, 2017 and first half 2018 owners. So if, like me, you’re saddled with a 2017 (or earlier) MBP there’s sweet F.A. you can do about this fatal design flaw in the core interfacing mechanism you must daily touch. Abstention is not an option. We must typo and wait for the inexorable, dust-based doom to strike the space bar or the ‘E’ key — which will then make the typing experience even more miserable (and require a trip to an Apple store to swaddle the misbehaving keys in rubber — leaving us computerless, most probably, in the meanwhile). There is an entire novel written without the letter E. I propose that Apple’s failed keyboard redesign be christened the ‘Gadsby‘ in its honor — because, ye gads, it’s awful. This is especially, especially frustrating because the MacBook Air keyboard was so very, very good. Not good — it was great. It was as close to typing perfection I’ve come across in a computer. And I’ve been typing on keyboards for a very long time. Why mess with such a good thing?! Marginally thinner than what was already exceptionally thin hardware is hardly something consumers clamour for. People are far more interested in having the thing they bought and/or use actually doing the job they need it for. And definitely not letting them down. (Or “defienmtely nort letting them down” as the keyboard just reworked the line. I really should have saved every typo and posted a mutant mirror text beneath this one, containing all the thousands of organic instances of ‘found poetry’ churned out by the keyboard’s inner life/poet/drunk.) If shaving 40% off the profile of the key mechanism transforms an incredible reliable keyboard into a dust-prone, typo-spewing monster that’s not progress; it’s folly of the highest order. Offering free repairs to affected users, as Apple finally did in June, doesn’t even begin to fix this fuck up. Not least because that’s only a fix for dust-based death; There isn’t a rubber film in the universe that could make typing on these keys a pleasing experience. What does it tell us when a company starts making the quality of its premium products worse? Especially a company famed for high-end design and high quality hardware? (Moreover, a company now worth a staggering $1tr+ in market capitalization?) It smacks of complacency, misaligned priorities and worrying blindspots — at the very least, if not a wider lack of perspective outside the donut-shaped mothership. (Perhaps there’s been a little too much gathering around indoors in Cupertino lately, and not enough looking out critically at a flaking user experience… ) Or else, well, it smacks of cynical profiteering. Clearly it’s not a good look. Apple’s reputation rests in large part on its hardware being perceived as reliable. On the famous Steve Jobs’ sales pitch that ‘it just works’. So Apple designing a keyboard that’s great at breaking for no reason at all and lighting fast at churning out typos is a truly epic fail. Of course consumer electronic designs won’t always work out. Some failure is to be expected — and will be understood. But what makes the keyboard situation so much worse is Apple’s failure to recognise and accept the problem so that it could promptly clean up the mess. Its apparent inability (for so long) to acknowledge there even was a problem is a particularly worrying sign. Having to sneak in a late fix because you didn’t have the courage to publicly admit you screwed up is not a good look for any company — let alone a company with such a long, rich and storied history as Apple. More cynical folks out there might whisper it’s design flaw by design; A strategic fault-line intended to push users towards an upgrade faster than they might have otherwise have unzipped their wallets. Though Apple offering free keyboard repairs (also, albeit, tardily) contradicts that conspiracy theory. Yet the notion of ‘built in obsolescence’ persists where consumer computing hardware is concerned, given how corporate profits do tend to be locked to upgrade cycles. In Apple’s case it’s an easy charge to level at the company given its business model is still, in very large part, driven by hardware sales. So Apple doing anything that risks encouraging consumers to feel it’s intentionally making its products worse is also folly of the highest order. Apple does have some active accusations to deal with on that front too. For example, a consumer group filed a complaint of planned obsolescence in France late last year — on account of Apple performance throttling older iPhones — something the company has faced multiple complaints over and some regulatory scrutiny. So again, it really needs to tread carefully. Tim Cook’s Apple cannot afford to be slipshod in its designs nor its communication. Jobs got more latitude on the latter front because he was such a charismatic persona. Cook is lots of good things but he’s not that; he’s closer to ‘safe pair of hands’ — so company comms should really reflect that. Apple may be richer than Croesus and king of the premium heap but it can’t risk tarnishing the brand. The mobile space is littered with the toppled monuments of past giants. And the markets where Apple plays are increasingly fiercely fought. Chinese device makers especially are building momentum with lower priced and highly capable consumer hardware. (Huawei displaced Apple in second place in the global smartphone rankings in Q2, for example). Apple’s rivals have mercilessly cloned its slender laptop designs and copypasted the look and feel of the iPhone. Reliability and usability are the bedrock of the price premium its brand commands, with privacy a more recent bolt-on. So failing on those fundamentals would be beyond foolish, with so many rivals now pushing cheaper priced yet very similarly packaged (and shiny) alternatives at consumers — which also often offer equal or even greater feature utility for less money (assuming you’re willing to compromise on privacy). When it comes to the Mac specifically, it clearly has not been Apple’s priority for a long time. The iPhone has been its star performer of the past decade, while growing its services business is the fresh focus for Cook. Yet when Cook’s Apple has paid a little attention to the Mac category it’s often been to fiddle unnecessarily — such as by clumsily reworking a great keyboard for purely cosmetic reasons, or to add a silly strip of touchscreen that’s at best distracting and (in my experience) just serves up even more unwanted keystrikes. So thrice blighted and the opposite of useful: A fiddly gimmick. This is worrying. Apple is a company founded with the word ‘Computer’ in its name. Computing is its DNA. And, even now, while smartphones and tablets are great for lots of things they are not great for sustained writing. For writing — and indeed working — at any length a laptop remains the perfect tool. There’s no touchscreen in the world that can beat a well-designed keyboard for speed, comfort and typing convenience. To a writer, using a great keyboard almost feels like flying. You wouldn’t have had to explain that to Jobs. He honed his Mac sales pitch to the point of poetry — famously dubbing the Mac a ‘bicycle for the mind’. Now, sadly, saddled with this flatfooted and frustratingly flawed mechanic, it’s like Apple shipped a bicycle with a pair of needles where the pedals should be. Not so much thinking different as failing to understand what the machine is for. Via: TechCrunch Read the full article

[theinvinciblenoob]

Yes I am very late to this. But I am also very annoyed so I am adding my voice to the now sustained chorus of complaints about Apple’s redesigned Mac keyboard: How very much it sucks. Truly, madly, deeply.

This is the keyboard that Apple “completely redesigned” in 2015, in its quest for size zero hardware, switching from a scissor mechanism for the keys to what it described then as the “new Apple-designed butterfly mechanism” — touting this as 40% thinner and 4x more stable.

Reader, there is nothing remotely beautiful and butterfly-esque about the experience of depressing these keys. Scattershot staccato clattering, as your fingers are simultaneously sucked in and involuntarily hammer out a grapeshot of key strikes, is what actually happens. It’s brutalist and unforgiving. Most egregiously it’s not reliably functional.

The redesigned mechanism has resulted in keys that not only feel different when pressed vs the prior MacBook keyboard — which was more spongey for sure but that meant keys were at reduced risk of generating accidental strikes vs their barely-there trigger-sensitive replacements (which feel like they have a 40% smaller margin for keystrike error) — but have also turned out to be fail prone, as particles of dust can find their way in between the keys, as dust is wont to do, and mess with the smooth functioning of key presses — requiring an official Apple repair.

Yes, just a bit of dust! Move over ‘the princess and the pea’: Apple and the dust mote is here! ‘Just use it in a vacuum’ shouldn’t be an acceptable usability requirement for a very expensive laptop.

Apple has also had to make these keyboards quieter. Because, as I say, the act of using the keyboard results in audible clackclackery. It’s like mobile phone keyclicks suddenly got dizzingly back in fashion. (Or, well, Apple designers got to overindulge their blue-sky thinking around the idea that ‘in space no one can hear you type’.)

Several colleagues have garnered dagger glances and been told to dial it down at conferences on account of all the key clattering as they worked. Yet a keyboard is made for working. It’s a writing tool. Or it should be. Instead, Apple has made a keyboard for making audible typos. It’s shockingly bad.

As design snafus go, this is up there with antenna-gate. Except actually it’s much worst. You can’t not ‘hold it in that way’. You can’t press keys on a keyboard radically differently. I guess you could type really slowly to try to avoid making all these high speed typos. But that would have an obvious impact on your ability to work by slowing down your ability to write. So, again, an abject mess.

I’ve only had this Oath-issued 2017 MacBook Pro (in long-held-off exchange for my trusty MacBook Air, whose admittedly grimy and paint-worn keys were nonetheless 100% functional after years of writerly service) for about a month but the keys appear to have a will of their own, whipping themselves into a possessive frenzy almost every time they’re pressed, and spewing out all manner of odd typos, mis-strikes and mistakes.

This demonic keyboard has summoned Siri unasked. (Thanks stupidly pointless Touch Bar!)  It has also somehow nearly delivered an ‘I’m not interested’ auto-response to a stranger who wrote me at length on LinkedIn to thoughtfully thank me for an earlier article. (Fortunately I didn’t have auto-send enabled so I could catch that unintended slapdown in the act before it was delivered. No thanks to the technologies involved.)

At the same time Caps Lock routinely fails to engage when pressed, as if it’s practising for when it’ll be broken. It equally countlessly fails to disengage when re-pressed. ‘Craps Out Lock’ more like. I fear it’s beset by dust motes already. Which is hard to avoid because, y’know, everything in the world is made of dust.

The keyboard also frustrates because of the jarring juxtaposition of having individual keys that depress too willingly, seeming to suck the typos from your fingers as letters get snatched out of sequence (and even whole words coaxed out of line), coupled with a backspace key that refuses to perform quickly enough (I’ve had to crank it right up to the very fastest setting) so it can’t gobble up the multiple erroneous strikes quickly enough to edit out all the BS the keyboard is continually spewing.

The result? A laptop that’s lightning quick at creating a typo-ridden mess, and slow as hell to clean it up.

In short, it’s a mess. A horrible mess that makes a mockery of the Apple catchphrase of yore (‘it just works’) by actively degrading the productivity of writing — interrupting your work with pointless sound and an alphabetic soup of fury.

The redesigned keyboard has been denounced by Apple loyalists such as John Gruber — who in April called it “one of the biggest design screwups in Apple history“.

He precision-hammered his point home with this second economical sentence: “Everyone who buys a MacBook depends upon the keyboard and this keyboard is undependable.”

Though it was Casey Johnson, writing for The Outline, who raised the profile of the problem last year, kicking up a major stink over her MacBook keys acting up (or dead) after a brush with invisible dust.

Since then keyboard-related problems have garnered Apple at least one class action lawsuit.

Meanwhile, the company has responded to this hardware headache of its own design like the proverbial thief in the night, quietly fiddling with the internals when no one was looking. Most notably it slotted in a repair earlier this year, when it added a sort of silicon gum shield to wrap the offending butterfly mechanism, which is presumably supposed to prevent dust from wreaking its terribly quotidian havoc. (Though it’s no use to me, right here, right now, with my corporate provisioned 2017 MBP.)

We know this thanks to the excellent work done by iFixit this summer, when it took apart one of Apple’s redesigned redesigned keyboards and found a thin rubberized film had been added under the keycaps. (Looking at this translucent addition, I am reminded of Alien designer HR Giger’s biomechanical concoctions. And of Ash’s robotic hard-on for poking around inside the disemboweled facehugger. But I digress.)

Shamelessly Apple tried to sell this tweak to journalists as solely a fix for those noisy key clicks. iFixit was not at all convinced.

“This flexible enclosure is quite obviously an ingress-proofing measure to cover up the mechanism from the daily onslaught of microscopic dust. Not — to our eyes — a silencing measure,” it wrote in July. “In fact, Apple has a patent for this exact tech designed to “prevent and/or alleviate contaminant ingress.”

And the date on Apple’s ingress-proofing key-cap condom patent? September 8, 2016. Read that and weep, MacBook Pro second-half 2016, 2017 and first half 2018 owners.

So if, like me, you’re saddled with a 2017 (or earlier) MBP there’s sweet F.A. you can do about this fatal design flaw in the core interfacing mechanism you must daily touch. Abstention is not an option. We must typo and wait for the inexorable, dust-based doom to strike the space bar or the ‘E’ key — which will then make the typing experience even more miserable (and require a trip to an Apple store to swaddle the misbehaving keys in rubber — leaving us computerless, most probably, in the meanwhile).

There is an entire novel written without the letter E. I propose that Apple’s failed keyboard redesign be christened the ‘Gadsby‘ in its honor — because, ye gads, it’s awful.

This is especially, especially frustrating because the MacBook Air keyboard was so very, very good.

Not good — it was great. It was as close to typing perfection I’ve come across in a computer. And I’ve been typing on keyboards for a very long time.

Why mess with such a good thing?! Marginally thinner than what was already exceptionally thin hardware is hardly something consumers clamour for.

People are far more interested in having the thing they bought and/or use actually doing the job they need it for. And definitely not letting them down.

(Or “defienmtely nort letting them down” as the keyboard just reworked the line. I really should have saved every typo and posted a mutant mirror text beneath this one, containing all the thousands of organic instances of ‘found poetry’ churned out by the keyboard’s inner life/poet/drunk.)

If shaving 40% off the profile of the key mechanism transforms an incredible reliable keyboard into a dust-prone, typo-spewing monster that’s not progress; it’s folly of the highest order.

Offering free repairs to affected users, as Apple finally did in June, doesn’t even begin to fix this fuck up.

Not least because that’s only a fix for dust-based death; There isn’t a rubber film in the universe that could make typing on these keys a pleasing experience.

What does it tell us when a company starts making the quality of its premium products worse? Especially a company famed for high-end design and high quality hardware? (Moreover, a company now worth a staggering $1tr+ in market capitalization?)

It smacks of complacency, misaligned priorities and worrying blindspots — at the very least, if not a wider lack of perspective outside the donut-shaped mothership. (Perhaps there’s been a little too much gathering around indoors in Cupertino lately, and not enough looking out critically at a flaking user experience… )

Or else, well, it smacks of cynical profiteering.

Clearly it’s not a good look. Apple’s reputation rests in large part on its hardware being perceived as reliable. On the famous Steve Jobs’ sales pitch that ‘it just works’. So Apple designing a keyboard that’s great at breaking for no reason at all and lighting fast at churning out typos is a truly epic fail.

Of course consumer electronic designs won’t always work out. Some failure is to be expected — and will be understood. But what makes the keyboard situation so much worse is Apple’s failure to recognise and accept the problem so that it could promptly clean up the mess.

Its apparent inability (for so long) to acknowledge there even was a problem is a particularly worrying sign. Having to sneak in a late fix because you didn’t have the courage to publicly admit you screwed up is not a good look for any company — let alone a company with such a long, rich and storied history as Apple.

More cynical folks out there might whisper it’s design flaw by design; A strategic fault-line intended to push users towards an upgrade faster than they might have otherwise have unzipped their wallets. Though Apple offering free keyboard repairs (also, albeit, tardily) contradicts that conspiracy theory.

Yet the notion of ‘built in obsolescence’ persists where consumer computing hardware is concerned, given how corporate profits do tend to be locked to upgrade cycles.

In Apple’s case it’s an easy charge to level at the company given its business model is still, in very large part, driven by hardware sales. So Apple doing anything that risks encouraging consumers to feel it’s intentionally making its products worse is also folly of the highest order.

Apple does have some active accusations to deal with on that front too. For example, a consumer group filed a complaint of planned obsolescence in France late last year — on account of Apple performance throttling older iPhones — something the company has faced multiple complaints over and some regulatory scrutiny. So again, it really needs to tread carefully.

Tim Cook’s Apple cannot afford to be slipshod in its designs nor its communication. Jobs got more latitude on the latter front because he was such a charismatic persona. Cook is lots of good things but he’s not that; he’s closer to ‘safe pair of hands’ — so company comms should really reflect that.

Apple may be richer than Croesus and king of the premium heap but it can’t risk tarnishing the brand. The mobile space is littered with the toppled monuments of past giants. And the markets where Apple plays are increasingly fiercely fought. Chinese device makers especially are building momentum with lower priced and highly capable consumer hardware. (Huawei displaced Apple in second place in the global smartphone rankings in Q2, for example).

Apple’s rivals have mercilessly cloned its slender laptop designs and copypasted the look and feel of the iPhone. Reliability and usability are the bedrock of the price premium its brand commands, with privacy a more recent bolt-on. So failing on those fundamentals would be beyond foolish, with so many rivals now pushing cheaper priced yet very similarly packaged (and shiny) alternatives at consumers — which also often offer equal or even greater feature utility for less money (assuming you’re willing to compromise on privacy).

When it comes to the Mac specifically, it clearly has not been Apple’s priority for a long time. The iPhone has been its star performer of the past decade, while growing its services business is the fresh focus for Cook. Yet when Cook’s Apple has paid a little attention to the Mac category it’s often been to fiddle unnecessarily — such as by clumsily reworking a great keyboard for purely cosmetic reasons, or to add a silly strip of touchscreen that’s at best distracting and (in my experience) just serves up even more unwanted keystrikes. So thrice blighted and the opposite of useful: A fiddly gimmick.

This is worrying.

Apple is a company founded with the word ‘Computer’ in its name. Computing is its DNA. And, even now, while smartphones and tablets are great for lots of things they are not great for sustained writing. For writing — and indeed working — at any length a laptop remains the perfect tool.

There’s no touchscreen in the world that can beat a well-designed keyboard for speed, comfort and typing convenience. To a writer, using a great keyboard almost feels like flying.

You wouldn’t have had to explain that to Jobs. He honed his Mac sales pitch to the point of poetry — famously dubbing the Mac a ‘bicycle for the mind’.

Now, sadly, saddled with this flatfooted and frustratingly flawed mechanic, it’s like Apple shipped a bicycle with a pair of needles where the pedals should be.

Not so much thinking different as failing to understand what the machine is for.

via TechCrunch

[fmservers]

An ode to Apple’s awful MacBook keyboard

Yes I am very late to this. But I am also very annoyed so I am adding my voice to the now sustained chorus of complaints about Apple’s redesigned Mac keyboard: How very much it sucks. Truly, madly, deeply.

This is the keyboard that Apple “completely redesigned” in 2015, in its quest for size zero hardware, switching from a scissor mechanism for the keys to what it described then as the “new Apple-designed butterfly mechanism” — touting this as 40% thinner and 4x more stable.

Reader, there is nothing remotely beautiful and butterfly-esque about the experience of depressing these keys. Scattershot staccato clattering, as your fingers are simultaneously sucked in and involuntarily hammer out a grapeshot of key strikes, is what actually happens. It’s brutalist and unforgiving. Most egregiously it’s not reliably functional.

The redesigned mechanism has resulted in keys that not only feel different when pressed vs the prior MacBook keyboard — which was more spongey for sure but that meant keys were at reduced risk of generating accidental strikes vs their barely-there trigger-sensitive replacements (which feel like they have a 40% smaller margin for keystrike error) — but have also turned out to be fail prone, as particles of dust can find their way in between the keys, as dust is wont to do, and mess with the smooth functioning of key presses — requiring an official Apple repair.

Yes, just a bit of dust! Move over ‘the princess and the pea’: Apple and the dust mote is here! ‘Just use it in a vacuum’ shouldn’t be an acceptable usability requirement for a very expensive laptop.

Apple has also had to make these keyboards quieter. Because, as I say, the act of using the keyboard results in audible clackclackery. It’s like mobile phone keyclicks suddenly got dizzingly back in fashion. (Or, well, Apple designers got to overindulge their blue-sky thinking around the idea that ‘in space no one can hear you type’.)

Several colleagues have garnered dagger glances and been told to dial it down at conferences on account of all the key clattering as they worked. Yet a keyboard is made for working. It’s a writing tool. Or it should be. Instead, Apple has made a keyboard for making audible typos. It’s shockingly bad.

As design snafus go, this is up there with antenna-gate. Except actually it’s much worst. You can’t not ‘hold it in that way’. You can’t press keys on a keyboard radically differently. I guess you could type really slowly to try to avoid making all these high speed typos. But that would have an obvious impact on your ability to work by slowing down your ability to write. So, again, an abject mess.

I’ve only had this Oath-issued 2017 MacBook Pro (in long-held-off exchange for my trusty MacBook Air, whose admittedly grimy and paint-worn keys were nonetheless 100% functional after years of writerly service) for about a month but the keys appear to have a will of their own, whipping themselves into a possessive frenzy almost every time they’re pressed, and spewing out all manner of odd typos, mis-strikes and mistakes.

This demonic keyboard has summoned Siri unasked. (Thanks stupidly pointless Touch Bar!)  It has also somehow nearly delivered an ‘I’m not interested’ auto-response to a stranger who wrote me at length on LinkedIn to thoughtfully thank me for an earlier article. (Fortunately I didn’t have auto-send enabled so I could catch that unintended slapdown in the act before it was delivered. No thanks to the technologies involved.)

At the same time Caps Lock routinely fails to engage when pressed, as if it’s practising for when it’ll be broken. It equally countlessly fails to disengage when re-pressed. ‘Craps Out Lock’ more like. I fear it’s beset by dust motes already. Which is hard to avoid because, y’know, everything in the world is made of dust.

The keyboard also frustrates because of the jarring juxtaposition of having individual keys that depress too willingly, seeming to suck the typos from your fingers as letters get snatched out of sequence (and even whole words coaxed out of line), coupled with a backspace key that refuses to perform quickly enough (I’ve had to crank it right up to the very fastest setting) so it can’t gobble up the multiple erroneous strikes quickly enough to edit out all the BS the keyboard is continually spewing.

The result? A laptop that’s lightning quick at creating a typo-ridden mess, and slow as hell to clean it up.

In short, it’s a mess. A horrible mess that makes a mockery of the Apple catchphrase of yore (‘it just works’) by actively degrading the productivity of writing — interrupting your work with pointless sound and an alphabetic soup of fury.

The redesigned keyboard has been denounced by Apple loyalists such as John Gruber — who in April called it “one of the biggest design screwups in Apple history“.

He precision-hammered his point home with this second economical sentence: “Everyone who buys a MacBook depends upon the keyboard and this keyboard is undependable.”

Though it was Casey Johnson, writing for The Outline, who raised the profile of the problem last year, kicking up a major stink over her MacBook keys acting up (or dead) after a brush with invisible dust.

Since then keyboard-related problems have garnered Apple at least one class action lawsuit.

Meanwhile, the company has responded to this hardware headache of its own design like the proverbial thief in the night, quietly fiddling with the internals when no one was looking. Most notably it slotted in a repair earlier this year, when it added a sort of silicon gum shield to wrap the offending butterfly mechanism, which is presumably supposed to prevent dust from wreaking its terribly quotidian havoc. (Though it’s no use to me, right here, right now, with my corporate provisioned 2017 MBP.)

We know this thanks to the excellent work done by iFixit this summer, when it took apart one of Apple’s redesigned redesigned keyboards and found a thin rubberized film had been added under the keycaps. (Looking at this translucent addition, I am reminded of Alien designer HR Giger’s biomechanical concoctions. And of Ash’s robotic hard-on for poking around inside the disemboweled facehugger. But I digress.)

Shamelessly Apple tried to sell this tweak to journalists as solely a fix for those noisy key clicks. iFixit was not at all convinced.

“This flexible enclosure is quite obviously an ingress-proofing measure to cover up the mechanism from the daily onslaught of microscopic dust. Not — to our eyes — a silencing measure,” it wrote in July. “In fact, Apple has a patent for this exact tech designed to “prevent and/or alleviate contaminant ingress.”

And the date on Apple’s ingress-proofing key-cap condom patent? September 8, 2016. Read that and weep, MacBook Pro second-half 2016, 2017 and first half 2018 owners.

So if, like me, you’re saddled with a 2017 (or earlier) MBP there’s sweet F.A. you can do about this fatal design flaw in the core interfacing mechanism you must daily touch. Abstention is not an option. We must typo and wait for the inexorable, dust-based doom to strike the space bar or the ‘E’ key — which will then make the typing experience even more miserable (and require a trip to an Apple store to swaddle the misbehaving keys in rubber — leaving us computerless, most probably, in the meanwhile).

There is an entire novel written without the letter E. I propose that Apple’s failed keyboard redesign be christened the ‘Gadsby‘ in its honor — because, ye gads, it’s awful.

This is especially, especially frustrating because the MacBook Air keyboard was so very, very good.

Not good — it was great. It was as close to typing perfection I’ve come across in a computer. And I’ve been typing on keyboards for a very long time.

Why mess with such a good thing?! Marginally thinner than what was already exceptionally thin hardware is hardly something consumers clamour for.

People are far more interested in having the thing they bought and/or use actually doing the job they need it for. And definitely not letting them down.

(Or “defienmtely nort letting them down” as the keyboard just reworked the line. I really should have saved every typo and posted a mutant mirror text beneath this one, containing all the thousands of organic instances of ‘found poetry’ churned out by the keyboard’s inner life/poet/drunk.)

If shaving 40% off the profile of the key mechanism transforms an incredible reliable keyboard into a dust-prone, typo-spewing monster that’s not progress; it’s folly of the highest order.

Offering free repairs to affected users, as Apple finally did in June, doesn’t even begin to fix this fuck up.

Not least because that’s only a fix for dust-based death; There isn’t a rubber film in the universe that could make typing on these keys a pleasing experience.

What does it tell us when a company starts making the quality of its premium products worse? Especially a company famed for high-end design and high quality hardware? (Moreover, a company now worth a staggering $1tr+ in market capitalization?)

It smacks of complacency, misaligned priorities and worrying blindspots — at the very least, if not a wider lack of perspective outside the donut-shaped mothership. (Perhaps there’s been a little too much gathering around indoors in Cupertino lately, and not enough looking out critically at a flaking user experience… )

Or else, well, it smacks of cynical profiteering.

Clearly it’s not a good look. Apple’s reputation rests in large part on its hardware being perceived as reliable. On the famous Steve Jobs’ sales pitch that ‘it just works’. So Apple designing a keyboard that’s great at breaking for no reason at all and lighting fast at churning out typos is a truly epic fail.

Of course consumer electronic designs won’t always work out. Some failure is to be expected — and will be understood. But what makes the keyboard situation so much worse is Apple’s failure to recognise and accept the problem so that it could promptly clean up the mess.

Its apparent inability (for so long) to acknowledge there even was a problem is a particularly worrying sign. Having to sneak in a late fix because you didn’t have the courage to publicly admit you screwed up is not a good look for any company — let alone a company with such a long, rich and storied history as Apple.

More cynical folks out there might whisper it’s design flaw by design; A strategic fault-line intended to push users towards an upgrade faster than they might have otherwise have unzipped their wallets. Though Apple offering free keyboard repairs (also, albeit, tardily) contradicts that conspiracy theory.

Yet the notion of ‘built in obsolescence’ persists where consumer computing hardware is concerned, given how corporate profits do tend to be locked to upgrade cycles.

In Apple’s case it’s an easy charge to level at the company given its business model is still, in very large part, driven by hardware sales. So Apple doing anything that risks encouraging consumers to feel it’s intentionally making its products worse is also folly of the highest order.

Apple does have some active accusations to deal with on that front too. For example, a consumer group filed a complaint of planned obsolescence in France late last year — on account of Apple performance throttling older iPhones — something the company has faced multiple complaints over and some regulatory scrutiny. So again, it really needs to tread carefully.

Tim Cook’s Apple cannot afford to be slipshod in its designs nor its communication. Jobs got more latitude on the latter front because he was such a charismatic persona. Cook is lots of good things but he’s not that; he’s closer to ‘safe pair of hands’ — so company comms should really reflect that.

Apple may be richer than Croesus and king of the premium heap but it can’t risk tarnishing the brand. The mobile space is littered with the toppled monuments of past giants. And the markets where Apple plays are increasingly fiercely fought. Chinese device makers especially are building momentum with lower priced and highly capable consumer hardware. (Huawei displaced Apple in second place in the global smartphone rankings in Q2, for example).

Apple’s rivals have mercilessly cloned its slender laptop designs and copypasted the look and feel of the iPhone. Reliability and usability are the bedrock of the price premium its brand commands, with privacy a more recent bolt-on. So failing on those fundamentals would be beyond foolish, with so many rivals now pushing cheaper priced yet very similarly packaged (and shiny) alternatives at consumers — which also often offer equal or even greater feature utility for less money (assuming you’re willing to compromise on privacy).

When it comes to the Mac specifically, it clearly has not been Apple’s priority for a long time. The iPhone has been its star performer of the past decade, while growing its services business is the fresh focus for Cook. Yet when Cook’s Apple has paid a little attention to the Mac category it’s often been to fiddle unnecessarily — such as by clumsily reworking a great keyboard for purely cosmetic reasons, or to add a silly strip of touchscreen that’s at best distracting and (in my experience) just serves up even more unwanted keystrikes. So thrice blighted and the opposite of useful: A fiddly gimmick.

This is worrying.

Apple is a company founded with the word ‘Computer’ in its name. Computing is its DNA. And, even now, while smartphones and tablets are great for lots of things they are not great for sustained writing. For writing — and indeed working — at any length a laptop remains the perfect tool.

There’s no touchscreen in the world that can beat a well-designed keyboard for speed, comfort and typing convenience. To a writer, using a great keyboard almost feels like flying.

You wouldn’t have had to explain that to Jobs. He honed his Mac sales pitch to the point of poetry — famously dubbing the Mac a ‘bicycle for the mind’.

Now, sadly, saddled with this flatfooted and frustratingly flawed mechanic, it’s like Apple shipped a bicycle with a pair of needles where the pedals should be.

Not so much thinking different as failing to understand what the machine is for.

Via Natasha Lomas https://techcrunch.com

[severelyfoggytragedy-blog]

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Tyler me gusto mucho, Cuando empece a leer Gorgeous Lose muchas expectativas fraud Taylor YME lleve una GRANDMOTHER decepcion, en cambio scam Tyler us ocurrio lo opuesto, no tenia muchas expectativas con su personaje y me acabo bien. Study what others have believed to make sure you are buying the version that you will enjoy most. How you examine it impacts, although the narrative may be the same. It isn't entirely unlike the variation between enjoying period was performed go on by it and seeing the flick type of Les Miserables. Her preferred book of 2015 was a poet whose husband perished instantly aged 50's memoir, Age Alexanderis The Gentle of the World. That might be a little worrying should they were figures in a new by Flynn or Groff. Would mean a lot to us. I am a full-time writer, best known regarding my novella Do check out it. The most effective, most arranged, & most safe solution to retailer textbooks is on shelf designed for the purpose. Stephensonis 1999 story capabilities World-War II code-breakers and 1997 nerds in a complex, story that is interlocking. This book has a fair bit of drama and worry that I truly appreciated (we Beneath Ones Lovely is really a wonderful debut new by Tamsyn Bester as well as a gorgeous love narrative. Being a lover of tiny-identified youngsters' textbooks by famous creators of novels for grown ups, I presently knew that James Joyce got penned the charming 1965 picturebook The Feline along with the Demon, according to a 1936 notification to his most favorite crowd, his grandson Stephen. Still, Published Timepiece is excellent for an alternate towards the typical ticket of timepieces that are analogue and digital. The doctors said that they are not unsurprised that I've gone into work at-all nevertheless. Books are available in many platforms, and you will additionally check-out evaluations and evaluations from people that are different. After people expenses, Lyft estimates a $170 thousand gross profit in 2015, which it needs to develop in 2016 to about $400 million. Generally in most U.S. K-12 community colleges, a local school board ballots where textbooks to get from a selection of guides that have been authorized from the State Dept of Training. It's possible somebody with an increase of stubbornness could make one of those notion work immediately, but not likely — the reason you can't get anywhere using any of them is really because they truly are not letting you tell the story you really want to inform, lower inside the dirty unconscious. Merely create a sound trusted pack that can handle changes for decades present them upgrades as required, and to come. With teachers including Paul Gravett, curator of the British Libraryis event Comics Revealed: Art and Anarchy in the UK, Parent cartoonist Steven Appleby and author and comics writer Toby Litt, you will learn about the initial possibilities the formatting gives, how to use an artist or author, and the way to plan and accomplish a task. Waterloo & Trafalgar (community selection) by French illustrator extraordinaire Olivier Tallec, additionally from my constantly fantastic friend Captivated Lion Guides, is a careful, minimalist Cold-War allegory that shows the tale of two figures who observe one another observantly through the seasons over the filter walls that separate these. Distinct your thought into three pieces: the start, midsection, and concluding parts of the book. Maggie Lea adores books significantly more than folks, and so a stylish old bookshop of aged leather's world tomes that certain sees simply with gloved fingers accommodates her just so. She lives in the world of text onpaper, and her own is written by her. Lastly, she boasts the Wellers requested the books to be fudged by her to costs that are obscure the. Customers commenting on Internet boards claimed digital editions of the Harry Potter books and the books of Ayn Rand's disappearance . superfit-blog.com are not the create-or- factor in a lovely game, nonetheless I” particularly on mobile phones. The variation between the ladies on Waters and my lineup: these ladies learn better-than to try and look like you're 20 when you're 50. Nevertheless it should at least notate ejaculation the increasing activity, and dropping action of the new new. Throughout, you will discover basic books for visitors of ages which were digitized for online reading, as well as directories of headings that are advised that may be acquired at try your library. Instead, it provides as more of a music somebody — a body of operate that the overall gameis created tunes took its hints. Gloriously inventive, regularly surprising, Gorgeous Spoils can be a story of individuals that are flawed nonetheless interesting, driving the rugged seashore of the existence while holding with their goals that are unbelievable. Quite simply, needing to create a book in annually for an editor really suggests at the least eighteen weeks you receive,. In 2006 Maslin of the Times stated, Jess Walter is really an extremely accomplished since. This history is really no diverse from his different works, even when within this fresh that is distinct he's heavy handed with some stereotypes. I'm going to strangle the one who produced this excursion essential, we considered to personally. My hand was learned by me to get a little and I must confess; It is so wonderful plus it completely suits my palm. Sarakiniko Seashore will be the many photographed landscaping within the Aegean - the white boulders that are bright Mimic the moon's outer lining and decayed over time contrasted thus fantastically contrary to the turquoise of the waters that were encompassing. It's really a visible book and all you need to-do is sit back because it's the kinetic sort that does not need any interactions and study. I am hoping this list as well as the books onto it are useful to anyone if you're exceptional ache of a breakup.

[yesborg9]

Brooklyn, NY  Dec.2017

Having had a great time in New York City in January, it was definitely on our list of cities to re-visit. When we missed our flight home and had to stay an extra night we decided to stay in Brooklyn rather than Manhattan, which we also enjoyed. So this time when we booked the trip, we decided that we’d spend the majority of our vacation there, as the wife had stayed in Manhattan several times but had one spent the one night on the island.

We arrived late so we had dinner at the hotel restaurant. I had a few local beers and a cider while the wife got drunk on complimentary sparkling wine. Being a Friday night, I was curious of the Brooklyn nightlife, so we wandered around downtown looking for someplace fun. We stumbled upon a place called the Brooklyn Brewhouse, an Irish pub and restaurant with a hint of dive bar. We got to chat with a few locals that were confused as to why we as tourists chose to visit Brooklyn. I told them that the interaction I had with locals back in January convinced me that “these are my kind of people.” Unrelated to that conversation, there was a guy face down on the bar with a Corona in front of him. He was pretty much like that for the 45 minutes or so that we were there.

We had Saturday brunch at Circa Brewing, Brooklyn’s newest brewery. Their head brewer used to brew at Sixpoint and they also have a former Lakefront brewer, whom we saw sporting a Lakefront Brewery shirt and a Packers hat. The wife was very pleased with a dish called “Dutch Baby” which was similar to a German pancake, while I had an amazing ham, egg & cheese on a portuguese muffin with my sampler flight. I liked almost all of their beers after sampling all ten. My favorites were the Belgian Amber, Maple Brown, and Pumpkin Ale. I surprisingly liked their Pilsner and Rotater (hazy) IPA as well. The staff was very friendly and we even got to chat with the head brewer as he worked; they brew beer literally right behind the bar.

In all of the previous times the wife has been to NYC, she’s never been on the subway. We wanted to go to a German-style holiday market at Union Square in Manhattan, so we got on the 4 train. It was fairly easy for us to figure out after riding trains in Toronto, Vancouver, Washington D.C., Berlin, and Munich. When we got to the holiday market, we were overwhelmed by how crowded it was. Shoulder to shoulder people in narrow walkways between stands; the only way to navigate through was to work your way into the river-like flows of humanity. We didn’t last five minutes there. We walked south toward Washington Square to see the famous arch.

I knew the Comedy Cellar was nearby, which I’ve always wanted to visit, but it was not yet open. If it weren’t for the Big Ten Championship game that night, we would have been able to see some great New York stand-up comedy. Two blocks away was the famous Joe’s Pizza. We each had a slice, and sacrilegiously, we thought they were just ok. But it’s really more about the experience of waiting in line at a small pizza joint for a huge slice of fresh pizza that needs to be experienced when visiting. As we ate our slices in the park across the street, a limo pulled up and a guy got out of the back and proceeded to get in line with everyone else there. Overrated pizza? Maybe a little, but famous nonetheless.

Having already seen Dana Barrett’s condo building, the church that Stay-Puft stepped on, and the restaurant in the park from Ghostbusters, I decided I really wanted to see the Firehouse. It was a mile walk out of our way, but we found it...completely covered due to renovation. A guy from England and his daughter arrived at the corner the same time that we did, and they were just as disappointed. Heads hung low, we found the nearest subway station and rode back to Long Island.

We ended up having a small travel nightmare as the connecting train we were supposed to take in Brooklyn was down for the weekend, so we hopped on a bus which turned out to be going the wrong direction. Finally we gave up and called a Lyft, but the address of the next brewery on the island also existed in lower Manhattan, so our driver took us across both bridges for a half hour sightseeing drive instead of the short 2.5 mile drive it should have been.

We arrived at Other Half Brewing to find the place was almost as packed at the holiday market at Union Square. I was dumbfounded to see that the beer menu had 20 beers, 18 of which were IPAs or imperial IPAs. I knew right away the wife wouldn’t be happy staying there long, so I decided to have a glass of each non-IPA and then we’d leave. The “Tough Call” porter was very good, as well as the “Something To Drink When All the IPA Is Gone” helles lager.

We walked a half mile to Folksbier Brauerei, obviously specializing in German-style beers. They didn’t have flights so I had to sample 10oz of each beer. I liked all of them, especially the “Magdalena” farmhouse ale, the “Spectral Hare” witbier, and the “OBL,” an unfiltered Bavarian-style lager. We had chips and guac there, which was great, but we ordered tacos and they were sub-par. I’d have to say it’s the first time I can remember having a taco I didn’t like.

It was time for the football game, which after a long day of running all over and dealing with crowded areas, I decided to just grab a six-pack of Brooklyn Brewery Winter Lager and watch the game in our hotel room. The wife ordered take-out from a nearby Italian restaurant.

On Sunday, I barely had the desire to watch more football so rather than going to the local Packers bar as we planned, we just went back to Circa Brewing for brunch. It shouldn’t have surprised me that they had the Packers game on there, considering the brewer from Milwaukee worked there. It also surprised me how many Green Bay fans (jerseys and all) were there watching the game, however few were actually paying full attention to the game, occasionally glancing up at the TV when the touchdown replay is shown.

Seeing how I was not in a good mood after watching two lousy football games, the wife decided to abandon her plans to visit the park & conservatory and take me somewhere that would cheer me up. We took a Lyft across town to Brouwerij Lane, a small beer store with rare beers on tap. As much as this pleased me, two couples were there with infants. If you think it’s OK to bring a child to a brewery or bar, especially one that doesn’t serve food, you’re wrong. This only agitated me more when they inevitably started crying [babies don’t like bars!], even after I had two very good sours and an 11% ABV Belgian strong ale.

At this point I felt the only thing that would cheer me up would be going back to Brooklyn Brewery, as it was only a 5 minute walk away. Cheer me up, it did. It wasn’t as crowded as it was the last time I was there in January, which was nice. It was almost last call, so I quickly ordered four beers to enjoy: Black Chocolate Stout, “Post Road” Pumpkin Ale, “Funkmeiser,” and “BB R&D Golden Ale.” The stout and pumpkin ale were both great, and the Funkmeiser was an absolutely amazing sour. The golden ale was actually terrible.

Having scoped out the area on Google Maps prior to our visit, I knew there was a pizza place just around the corner so we went there for dinner. Vinnie’s Pizzeria had many exotic options, but we just stuck with traditional slices. They weren’t bad, but I was more interested in the small restaurant’s decor.

Before calling a Lyft back to the hotel, the wife wanted to stop at the coffee shop next door. Luckily, they had beer. I had a “Troublesome” sour from Off Color Brewing, and it was quite good.

I bought a large bottle of “K is for Kriek” (bourbon barrel aged sour) at Brooklyn Brewery and drank it at the hotel. This turned out to be a horrible mistake, as it was 10% ABV and I was already half in the bag. Laguardia Airport is bad enough to navigate without a hangover.

Seriously, Laguardia sucks. There is always construction going on (our Lyft driver spent several minutes complaining about it), the check-in area for Southwest is small and unorganized, the hallways are narrow, the few bathrooms they have are all located in the worst places, and there isn’t enough seating at the gates for people waiting to board. The only good thing about it is the direct flights to and from Milwaukee.

In comparison to our last trip to New York City, this trip perhaps wasn’t as fun as when we stayed in Manhattan. Possibly because then we went to nicer restaurants and visited more landmarks. We kind of slummed this trip by staying in a cheaper area, taking the subway, and visiting more hole-in-the-wall eateries. It was a nice, laid back long weekend vacation. I did sample far more beers on this trip (31). There are endless things to do in the area, so I’m sure we’ll be back again soon.

[movietvtechgeeks]

Latest story from https://movietvtechgeeks.com/bow-wow-phaedra-parks-monique-needing-hugs-attention/

Bow Wow, Phaedra Parks and Mo'Nique needing hugs and attention

Why do so many celebrities feel the need to fake the funk? I’ve been mulling this thought over in my mind here lately. I mean, I know why people like Kim Kardashian and her family do it, but I’m talking about reasons beyond the need to attention whore. Within the last week, two relatively big name stars, well within the black community at least, have come under fire because they were caught in major lies. We all know that in the world of Hollywood, things aren’t what they seem and there is no doubt that lying, stretching the truth, whatever you want to call it, is a part of the game. But when it comes to certain things these stars lie about, my question is why take the chance of being found out and clowned over something that really means nothing in the grand scheme of things? I know that it is all about appearances in the entertainment industry. You have to look the part and act the part to be the part. I’ve never been one to really take to that notion because it breeds a shallow and self-centered paradigm of the world. Nonetheless, that’s the way things go. Rapper Bow Wow and lawyer turned reality TV star Phaedra Parks found out the hard way that faking the funk, indeed, can backfire in horribly damaging ways. As the smoke continues to clear on both of their situations, it sheds a light on the extent that celebrities will go to remain relevant or appear to be something and someone they are not. And when you look at it from that perspective, they aren’t that different from us regulars. With Bow Wow, we found out he didn’t travel to NYC for press rounds on a private jet as he insinuated he did on Instagram. The guy then turns around and proclaims he never said he was taking the private jet. He said in an interview, “Off the top, I love it. Because people don’t really understand the scientific method to my madness.  Number one, I’m about to have the biggest show on WE TV. Period. Period. I’m saying that right now. Period. You gotta just watch the show.” Was it all a publicity stunt for his new reality TV show Growing Up Hip Hop? I don’t believe it was. But somebody as arrogant and self-deluded as Shad Moss will never admit he’s screwed up or lied. That is called denial, which is the same route Phaedra Parks tried to take when it was found out that she started a heinous rumor about Kandi Buress and her husband Todd. According to Ms. Parks, her former bestie and her mate wanted to drug Porsha Williams and take her back to their sex dungeon on the Real Housewives of Atlanta (RHOA). Parks’ lie brings a lot more into question than just her credibility. People are left wondering what else she’s lied about over the last few years. But her pattern of behavior and that of Bow Wow’s is a trend that leads common folk astray. People are running around here, nearly breaking their necks and their bank accounts, trying to aspire to be and have what these people seem to have. The culture in Hollywood breeds this kind of behavior, and maybe that is why Mo’Nique went off the way she did over the weekend. Let’s talk about Mo’Nique. Her rant, in which she accuses heavy hitters Oprah Winfrey, Tyler Perry and Lee Daniels of “whiteballing” her (and tells them to suck her dick), has gotten a lot of attention. Many of the initial fan reactions accused her of being bitter. But maybe she’s just tired of the Hollywood bullshit and is finally saying something about it. Instead of faking the funk and trying to be someone she’s not, she’s being true to herself. Is that really so bad? Famous people are so worried about losing something that they become lost themselves. In the case of Parks her lying, which reportedly got her fired from RHOA, was bound to come out because there were too many other people involved in her fib. Bow Wow, on the other hand, was called out by a man flying on his Delta flight during the time he wanted us all to believe he was on a private jet. Social media is powerful and it is right at the tips of our fingers. Let us continue, by working harder, to keep these stars from not floating too far off the ground. Money and power have a way of making you feel like you are invincible and that you can do anything you want. But just like I implore people to hold politicians and law makers accountable for what they are doing, call these celebrities out on their bullshit too. Look, as fans we pay too much damn money and give too much energy to what some of these celebrities are doing to just let them get away with stuff. Is it really so hard to tell the truth and be with that? When it comes down to it, lying to the extent that Parks and Bow Wow did are desperate pleas for relevancy. And if relevancy and a few bylines were worth their brands taking major hits, then mission accomplished.

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