#first time i had to show my upper ass to a doctor for an injection

[joshslater]

Appointments

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I can understand why they don't trust people here, a lot of them are real criminals after all, but it still feels a bit humiliating to down the crushed pill and empty the entire glass of water while the nurse is watching. I have to show up fifteen minutes before the scheduled appointment to take the first drug, whatever it is, and then sit down and wait for it to take effect. The fifteen minutes doesn't even count towards the reserved time. It's three times a week, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, up to three hours each, for four months. That's the sentence to stay out of jail. Miss an appointment, straight to jail. Don't comply with the treatment, straight to jail. Still a pretty good deal. Nine hours per week I don't have any control over, or ten hours if you count this sitting and waiting bullshit, compared to all hours all the time in jail.

I have no idea what the pill is for. Some sort of sedative I'm sure, because I always feel a bit dull and agreeable after. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have followed all the doctor's instructions so readily if I wasn't drugged somehow, at least not the first few times. Now it is kind of a routine.

I show up, take the drug, and wait a bit. Then she shows up and asks me to join her in one of the procedure rooms. She tells me to remove my shoes, jeans, and underwear and place myself on the chair. It's not really a chair. It's like a Z-shaped thing where you place your legs on the padded lower bars so you are kneeling, and then bend forward so your upper body is flat with the top with your head looking down on the floor past the edge of the padded top surface.

She walks behind me and asks if I'm comfortable. Not really. It's demeaning to sit there and expose my ass to her, legs apart, but I guess that is the point of this therapy. How it will address my supposed anger issues is beyond me. Better than jail though. When I tell her I am she secures my hands down by my hip with straps and then proceeds to strap my legs in place by securing my ankles. She says it is for my own safety, so I don't fall off. It's probably bullshit, but she is right in it's not very secure, but tricky enough to wiggle out of. Not that I have tried. She then tips the entire thing forwards. I had a bit of a scare the first time and audibly gasped as I thought I was about to crash face first into the floor with arms and legs tied. Turned out it's just a secondary position of the thing, positioning my ass up in the air.

"Are you comfortable?" she asks again, every time. Again I say I am, strapped to chair, face almost touching the floor, my naked ass high and exposed. She then slowly inserts something into my asshole. It doesn't go that far in, but feels heavy and has some wires or tubes going to it that I can feel draping my leg. It enters easily. I don't know if it is the same device as the first time, but I wouldn't be surprised if they have been scaling up the size slowly. All I can do is look down the floor while she sets me up and then starts the machine.

Just before leaving the room there is a little pinch in the ass as she injects something in my butt cheek. Then she leaves, promising to be back once it has run its program, never explaining what "it" or "the program" is. The first minutes I feel nothing. Then there is movement, though different between appointments. It can expand in width, it can penetrate deeper, it can vibrate, it can rotate, it can change temperature. It often runs through a series of configurations.

I don't know which of the drugs, if any of them, is making me horny but it doesn't take long until I can hear the soft tapping of precum dripping into the metal tray at the bottom of the chair. It's pointless to try to stay alert. You're stuck in the chair for hours with nothing else than looking at the floor and listening to the hum of the machine and the drip of body fluids. You can just as well close your eyes and let yourself drift away in machine-induced bliss.

It's affecting me for sure. The Monday session is the one I'm craving the most. I start getting anxious already Sunday afternoon, feeling like something is missing. So far I've resisted the temptation to buy a vibrator and explore my ass on my own time, but there is little else I can think of on Mondays before the appointment.

It always feels like no time at all has passed, certainly like too little time has passed, when she comes back into the room and gloves up. I'm just zoned out like a stoner and sometimes don't notice her until she removes the thing from my ass. She then proceeds to unlock the dick cage from my dick and balls. Given my horny bliss the dick will shoot up like a bamboo rod. She has some sort of wand that feels pretty thin that she then puts into the ass right up to the prostate. It never takes many seconds of vibrations for me to shoot a load. It feels like they are bigger than ever before. I'm certainly pulsing more times than before, like 6-10 ropes.

She then washes my butt, dick, and balls, and massage them with some sort of cream. Perhaps different ones. Then she picks up a new, probably sterilized, dick cage and locks everything up. She tilts the chair back up again and asks if everything is OK before undoing the straps holding me in place. I answer that everything is OK, but that really undersells it. I'm like a stoner in a post-orgasm haze for at least ten minutes. Then she reminds me to put on my underwear, pants, and shoes before leaving and reminds me of the next appointment two or three days later.

"You're next," she tells me from the other side of the waiting room, interrupting my read of top sexiest men on Love Island list from Cosmopolitan. The selection of magazines is rather limited. "Afternoon," I reply, putting away the magazines and walking towards the door.

"How was the weekend?" "Hot, as you well know. I didn't do much." I don't tell her I was spending all of Sunday considering pushing blunt objects up my ass to relieve myself. "It doesn't invite to activities, does it? Go ahead and make yourself comfortable."

In a now well-practiced routine I kick off my shoes, take off my jeans, fold them and place them on the chair just inside the door, remove my boxers, and put them on top of the jeans. Then I kneel in place on the procedure chair and give my dick cage a quick jiggle. Nothing worse than being strapped to some medical equipment and having your scrotum pinched. Then I bend forward over the shelf, and position my arms back, along the sides of my body.

As always before the doctor secures my arms and legs, and tips the entire contraption forward.

"Are you comfortable like this?" "Yes."

She then deviates from normal procedure by wiping down my ass with some sort of wet wipes and then inserts the automatic douche. I can feel liquid being pushed in and sucked out of my ass a few times, after which she removes the equipment and leaves the room. I'm starting to become anxious. This is the longest I've been in two months without anything vibrating in my ass. I try to flex my butt cheeks to no success.

After way too long someone enters the room again. "Good afternoon, I'm James." I can only move my head a little and can't see much more than a pair of sneakers and the lower part of sweatpants.

"Hi."

He rifles through some papers.

"I understand you've been under this treatment for two months now, correct?" "Yes." The whole thing feels absurd. Whoever this dude is, he's talking to my exposed ass. "So you now have a fully developed prostate massage addiction?" "What? No!" "No? So, you would prefer to be released and go home now?"

No, I need my treatment, but that is totally different.

"No. You have to do what you normally do." "You want me to massage your prostate?" "Yes! Or whatever is normally done."

I can hear the snap of a rubber glove and within seconds a finger is with ease pushing into my ass. He is probing around carefully and deliberately. I want to move my butt to get it deeper, to have it flick across my prostate, but I'm too tied down. He fumbles around like that for minutes.

"You need to get in deeper," I say almost desperately. "I'm sorry my fingers are only so long," he says, continuing with his ineffectual rummaging. And after a few seconds, like he was carefully considering it, "My dick is longer, though. I can use that if you like." "Funny," I say, dismissing his joke.

While he continues doing what I must now assume to be deliberately the wrong thing, the thought continues to linger in my mind. Would it really be a big difference between having another man's fingers or his dick up my ass. Yes! Yes, I decide. But why? This is covered by patient confidentiality, right? HIPPA or HIIPA or HIPAA or whatever. No one has to know.

"What if you did?" "What if I did what?" He was forcing me to say it. "What if you did use your dick instead?" "Would you like me to?"

He must be right. I must be addicted to prostate massage. Why the fuck that happened is a later question. I feel like a soda bottle being lazily shaken by someone. I need to be unscrewed.

"Yes. Yes!"

He pulls out his finger and I can hear the sound of latex, him fiddling with his pants, and then without warning feel something thick and warm moving up inside me. I have a slight shiver as it moves past my prostate and further in. It sure is longer than his fingers all right. I can feel the warmth of his body as it touches against my butt cheeks when he finally gets balls deep. He stops there, leans over me, and asks "Are you comfortable like this?"

"Yes," I say automatically before realizing I really am.

[ohh-baekhyun]

Nothing Like Us | 03 - [M]

✨ Summary: Rich, charming and undeniably good-looking, Byun Baekhyun is used to women falling on their knees for him. You are an exception though. Quiet, reserved and indifferent, you are never afraid to put him in his place if you need to. That’s probably why he is quite besotted with you. No woman has ever challenged him the way you do. Thus when he has the chance to spend three weeks under the same roof as you, he makes it his sole mission to win your heart.

✨ Genre: Arranged Marriage-ish!AU, romance, fluff, smut.

✨ Warnings:  fluffss and romantic pool sex that turns a wee bit steamy hehe

Baekhyun should be relieved now that he is done with his business project, but he feels unsettled instead. That’s why he decided to ditch the company dinner and went straight home. As he drives, he is filled with this overwhelming sense of foreboding, like he knows something is wrong but he doesn’t know what.

“Where is she?” He questions one of the housekeepers when he steps foot into the house.

“She’s been in her room all day, sir.” she says.

Baekhyun mutters a quick thanks and proceeds to hurry up the stairs. He strides down the dimmed hallway, stops by your room, knocks on the door and wait. When there’s no answer, he didn’t bother to knock again. He pushed the door open and enters your bedroom. His eyes zeros in on your bed, and he expels a giant breath when he sees the lump underneath the cover.

She’s sleeping already? Baekhyun wonders as he checks the time on his wrist watch that says five thirty. That’s early.

He walks over and stands by the bed. Slowly, he peels the cover back and his heart pounds when he finally sees you. Your face was mostly covered with hair, so he reaches out to brush it back, only to be shocked. Your skin was so hot to the touch and your face was slick with sweat.

Baekhyun drops to his knee by the bed and presses the back of his hand on your neck. “Sweetheart,” he calls. “You’re burning up, are you okay?”

You murmur something unintelligible, and as he watches your lips move, he realized you are shivering violently. Oh fuck. Panic rises in his chest, and he immediately places his arms under your body to scoop you up.

You groan at the sudden movement, peeling your heavy eyelids open to look at him. You seem surprised. “Wh-what are you doing, Baekhyun?”

“I’m taking you to the doctor.” He says, looking ahead as he strides toward the door.

“Put me down, I’m fine.”

“Don’t argue with me,” He repels, still not looking at you. “I’m not taking no for an answer.”

You roll your eyes. “You’re acting as if I’m having a heart attack or something...it’s just a fever, Baekhyun, it’ll probably go a–.”

Baekhyun suddenly stops to stare down at you with a look so stern it manage to shut you up. You blink up at him, looking somewhat flustered. “I’m taking you to the doctor and that’s final.” He says, leaving no room for any argument.

You finally resign with a huff of annoyance, your lips puckering slightly.

Baekhyun felt his blood heating in his veins. He takes a breath as he internally fights the sudden urge to press his lips on yours. He feels mildly ashamed because you are sick and he isn’t supposed to be having this thought. Maybe it’s due to the fact that he misses you so much, because, how does someone manage to look so goddamn kissable even when they are sick, it’s ridiculous.

Damn her.

“Can you at least put me down? I can walk just—” your eyes widen when Baekhyun suddenly leans in.

“Do I have to kiss you to shut you up?” He mutters over your lips. You swallow nervously, and he watches as the redness slowly rises on your cheek. Something warm filled his chest, bringing a smile to his face. 

Beautiful little brat

You haven’t seen Baekhyun in a while, and all of a sudden he is carrying you in his arms like a prince charming he probably thinks he is, and to top that, he even tells you he is going to kiss you? You don’t know what to think. Your head feels too heavy to even know how to think.

You remain quiet as Baekhyun carries you down the stairs. One of the housekeepers gives you a concerned look, and you manage a weak smile to assure her you’re okay.

“We’ll be out for a while,” Baekhyun tells her before moving through the open door towards the driveway where his Aston Martin is parked.

You don’t say a thing even as Baekhyun sets you down in the passenger seat and helped you with your safety belt. He then rounded the hood to get to the driver's seat, and you watch silently as he starts the engine and buckles up. Even through your sickness, his good-look still has an effect on you. Attraction is truly a mysterious thing. Seeing him in his work attire never fails to turn you on, though now, he has taken off his suit jacket and is only wearing a white dress shirt with the top buttons undone. You also realize this is your first time seeing Baekhyun drives, all along it has been his chauffeur, Mr Kim, who drives you both around.

“Where is Mr–” your gasp and press your lips together, suddenly recalling what he had just said earlier. Do I have to kiss you to shut you up? You can hear his voice in your mind that’s making your cheek heat up again.

Baekhyun turns to you, raising his brow in question. After a moment, understanding seems to dawn and he chuckles. “You can speak, baby, I’m not going to kiss you.” He looks away from you to stare at the road ahead. “Not now.”

Not now...

There’s a momentary silence when you try to gather yourself. He is really making you so nervous with all the things he says. You clear your throat and finally ask, “Where is Mr Kim?”

“His wife went into labor yesterday, I’m giving him the time off.”

You didn’t ask anymore questions afterwards, simply not having energy to. It was at the first traffic stop when Baekhyun turns to look at you. His feature softens when he sees your weak state. He extends his hand to touch your forehead and grimaces at the heat he felt on your skin. “Poor baby.” He brushes his knuckles over your cheek tenderly.

For some reason it’s making you want to cry because you have been longing for this all your life; to be cared for. “Are you taking me to the hospital?” you ask.

He mildly shakes his head. “I’m taking you to Chanyeol’s clinic.”

“Chanyeol as in your friend, Chanyeol?”

“Yeah.”

Park Chanyeol is probably the most good looking doctor you’ve ever met in your entire life. To top that, he is also warm and friendly. Ten minutes into your session, you find yourself already liking this doctor. Until he says, “I need to give you a shot to reduce your fever.”

You don’t want to be such a scaredy cat, but everyone has their own phobia and for you, it’s needles. Which is why you didn’t get your ears pierced even when everyone else around you did. Which is why you refused to be taken to the doctor.

Your expression turns pale, and it must be obvious because Doctor Park is smiling now. “Are you afraid?” he asks. You give him a small nod and a shy smile. He chuckles. “Such a cutie,”

Almost immediately, Baekhyun clears his throat next to you. “Doctor Park…” he says calmly, but it sounded more like a warning than anything.

The tall doctor grins to himself as he turns away to prepare the tools he needs for your injection. You twiddle with your thumbs anxiously as you watch the doctor picks up a syringe.

Baekhyun watches you the whole time, wanting to ease your fear but not knowing how to. Through his uncertainty, he reaches out to rest his hand over yours, his other hand stroking your back soothingly. When you turn to glance at him, he gives you a soft and comforting smile. “It’s okay,” he assures. “Just look at me.”

You do as told, and soon enough, you feel a cold sensation on your upper arm as Doctor Park rubs the alcohol swab over your skin. Knowing what’s coming your way, you shut your eyes close and hold your breath. You swallow your wince when the needle pricks into your skin, not wanting to sound like a baby.

“All done,” the doctor says after he finished pasting a plaster on your arm.

You open your eyes and see that Baekhyun is still staring at you with concern. “Are you okay?” he asks, brushing his thumb over the back of your hand soothingly.

You manage a small nod. “I’m okay.”

Baekhyun smiles and gives you a pat on your head. Just a simple gesture, yet it’s giving you all sorts of feelings.

This time it is Chanyeol’s turn to clear his throat. You tear your gaze away from Baekhyun to spare the doctor your attention.

“You’ll feel better real soon.” He says. “Let me prescribe something for your headache then you’re good to go.”

“Thank you, Doctor Park.”

He looks up from the prescription pad. “You can call me Chan–wait, how old are you again?”

“I’m twenty one.”

“Just like Hana,” he smiles fondly, and you wonder who she is. “You can call me Chanyeol oppa, then.” he says.

“Oppa my ass.” Baekhyun snorts. “She doesn’t even call me oppa.”

“Well, then that’s your problem.” the doctor retorts.

“Are we done or not?” Baekhyun impatiently asks.

“Here,” the doctor passes you a piece of paper to be handed to the pharmacy. “Get well soon, pretty.”

“Thank you, oppa.” you tease and burst into giggles when Baekhyun groans.

He looks at you with a frown. “I’m older than you too, why don’t you ever call me oppa?”

You shrug. “Maybe because you don’t behave like an oppa to me.”

The doctor sniggers at that, while Baekhyun scowl. “How does an oppa behave exactly?”

“Like a man? I guess.”

He raised his brows. “You’re saying I behave like a child?”

You shot him a playful grin, only to gasp when he hooks his foot on the leg of your stool and drag you to him. With his arms touching yours now, he’s close enough to lean his mouth next to your ear. “Should I take you home and show you how manly I can be?” He whispers.

Chanyeol must have heard it because he is spluttering non-stop now. “The fuck, Baekhyun...” he mutters in between his coughs.

You face turns bright as a tomato, and you slap him across his chest in retribution. Baekhyun grins at your embarrassment. “Let’s go home, baby.” He takes your hand in his and walk you towards the door.

“Baekhyun,” the doctor calls just as he is about to open the door.

Baekhyun drops his hand and turns around to face his friend. “Yeah?”

“Hana is back,” Chanyeol says.

A tense silence follows as you glance between the two males.

“How is she doing?” Baekhyun asks, his tone sounding so serious that it’s making you more curious. Who is she? A friend perhaps?

“She’s doing good.” Chanyeol says. “We should catch up soon. You free to join us for the gathering this Sunday at Jongin’s place?”

You look at Baekhyun to expect his answer. His quietness shows that he is unsure, or perhaps reluctant.  

“It’s been awhile, Baek, she really misses you.” Chanyeol persuades. “Sehun and the rest will be there too.”

“Okay…” Baekhyun agrees. “I’ll be there.”

You glance at Baekhyun as he leads you out of the room. His demeanour seems to change and he’s unusually quiet. Unable to contain your curiosity any longer, you ask, “Who’s Hana?”

“His little sister.” was all that he said. So you let your mind wander to this person named Hana. You can imagine her being beautiful, just like his handsome brother. You wonder what her relationship is like with Baekhyun, and why was he reluctant to accept Chanyeol’s invitation for dinner earlier. Did something happen between the two?

As curious as you are, you also know it is none of your business. If Baekhyun wants you to know, he will tell you about it. So you set those thoughts aside and heads to the pharmacy to collect your meds.

The sky is turning dark when you leave Chanyeol’s clinic. Whatever the doctor injected into your body must’ve worked wonders because you are already feeling less lethargic when Baekhyun leads you to his car. As he drives, you relax in your seat and take in the sleek interior of his Aston Martin.

“You have a nice car,” you absent-mindedly say as you smooth your hand over the dash of the supercar.

“Do you want one?” he asks, turning to you to hear your answer.

“Wh-what?” you squeak. How could he ask such a question so casually? This car must cost a fortune. But again, this man is crazy rich. “No,” you hurry to add. “I don’t even know how to drive.”

“You can learn.” he says.

Getting a driver’s listen is actually in your bucket list this year. You feel a bubble of excitement at the possibility of checking that list. “Will you…teach me?” you sounded unsure, considering how busy he is these days.

“Of course.” he says. “How about we start this Sunday?”

You can’t contain your excitement when you say, “Yes.”

He smiles at that, and then he parts his mouth to say something but then closes it again. You watch as hesitation move over his feature, like he’s thinking of something he is unsure how to voice out.

“What is it, Baek?” you prod.

“Do you want to come with me this Sunday night?”

“The dinner Chanyeol invited you to?” you tilt your head in question, and he confirms with a nod. You then ask, “Do you want me to come?”

“I’d be happy if you could, but I know being around too many people makes you uncomfortable so you don’t have to say yes if you don’t want to. I want you to be comfortable.”

You smile at his rambling, and he must’ve realized it too because he is smiling a slightly shy smile while putting his hand on the back of his neck. Something you’ve never seen before, something refreshing and so very endearing.

“Yes, Baekhyun, I’ll be there with you.” you say willingly, because even if you know you’d be so anxious on that day, you also know Baekhyun will be there.

He offers a grateful smile in return. “Thank you.”

The car fell into an easy silence again and you stare out of the window, savoring the night view of the city lights. There’s something romantic about it, and you swear you feel that giddiness every time you catch Baekhyun’s gaze through the reflection on the side window as he secretly glance at you.

When the car stops at a traffic, you felt the warmth of Baekhyun’s hand on your thigh that startles you. Your eyes move down to his hand, then up to find his eyes on you.

“What do you want for dinner?” He asks while tapping his index finger on your skin.

Amidst your nervousness, you will yourself to think and answer him. “Can we get McDonald’s?”

“You’re still sick, baby.” He gives your thigh a tender squeeze. “Let’s get something healthier, okay?”

You almost start to hyperventilate on the spot. You didn’t know what has changed or if it means anything at all, but he has been extra affectionate with you today. All the physical contact and endearment, they feel so intimate, and it is making your stomach flip inside out.

“Should we get something soupy instead?” He asks, drawing you out of your trance. “I know a place that sells good Samgyetang.”

“Yeah.” you nod.  “Sounds good.”

Baekhyun admits he is being unusually touchy with you today. But he knows at this point he has nothing to lose. Time is running out, and with him not knowing how these three weeks will end, he doesn’t want to waste the little time he has left with you.

He is not going to deny that his feelings for you has grown (even more in the past hours he spent with you). Which is why he needs to know if you are okay with all these advances he made, because eventually, he would want more. First, he wants to kiss you. Then, he wants to take you to his bed and do all the wild things he has been dreaming of doing to you.

Baby steps, Baekhyun He reminds himself You don’t want to scare her away.  

Currently, you and Baekhyun are in the lift heading up to the Korean restaurant at the top floor of the building. He stares down at his hand that is holding yours. “Truth or Dare.” He initiates.

You glance up at him and smile softly. It warms his heart because he knows you must’ve missed playing this silly game as much as he does.

“Dare.” You choose.

It’s not the answer Baekhyun expected you to say, but that’s alright. He has an idea. With a slow smirk spreading across his face, he says, “Call me Baekhyun oppa.”

You made a face of disgust at his request. “I change my mind. Truth.”

Even better Baekhyun thought. He stares down at the intertwined hands again. “Do you like it?” He lifts your hands up to his chest. “This, me holding your hand. Do you like it?”

You take a while to think, possibly wrestling with different answers in your head. But eventually, you nod and mutter a soft, “Yes.”

Baekhyun feels like he has just been handed a trophy. I love holding your hand too He wants to shout it out loud and jump in victory, but that would be so fucking weird. God, this girl is really driving me crazy. Who would’ve thought a guy like him would get so thrilled over a simple hand-holding? It’s not even sex for fuck sake. He chuckles and shakes his head at himself.

You give him a quizzical frown. “You okay there?”

“Do you miss Uni?” He dodges your question quickly. “Your friends...they are all in Japan right?”

“I do. I miss the learning, but I don’t miss living in Japan.” You smile a slightly sad smile. “It’s rather lonely there.”

Something about that breaks his heart a little. He doesn’t want you to be lonely. “What about your friends?”

“I only have one close friend. Her name is Sera.” there’s fondness in your voice when you mention her name. “But she is not taking the same classes as me, so we don’t get to see each other often. We call each other everyday though.”

“That’s good,” Baekhyun smiles. “You’ll get to make more friends this Sunday. Sehun and the rest...they will probably bring their girlfriends along.”

You look unsure, and he can tell you’re doubting yourself again.

“They are all good people,” He assures. “You’ll like them, and I know they’ll like you too.” Just like I do.

You smile meekly. “I hope so.”

Do you know that feeling you get when you are in the last chapter of a good book? That longing for more? That feeling of not wanting to say goodbye?

You feel the same way when you walk down the hallway towards your room with Baekhyun beside you. Though it is rather presumptuous of you to say, you’d like to believe that Baekhyun feels the same way too. Because even if he isn’t talking, he is walking at a slower pace than usual, as if he doesn’t want to say goodbye to you, and to this night.

Today had been a special one for the both of you. A lot has happened in the past hours spent together. And if there’s one thing you realize, you realize that your feelings for Baekhyun are growing. There’s no point denying it anymore because it is there. Although you can’t help the fear that grips you every time you think about the possibility of him leaving. But is it so wrong to hope for a happy ending? For once, you just want to throw caution to the wind and enjoy what is given to you in this moment.

“We’re here,” Baekhyun announces as we reach the end of the hallway where your room is at.  

You turn to stare up at him. “Thank you for today.” you smile, leaving a moment of still silence before you add, “And dinner...I had a great time.”

“Me too.”

The silence continue to stretch as he drops his gaze to your mouth and lingers. The butterflies in your belly started flapping their wings all at once. You watch as he swallows and somewhere inside, you’re hoping he would kiss you or make a move of some sort.

But...

He lifts his gaze and let go of your hand. “You should get some rest.”

You feel a pang of disappointment at the sudden loss of contact. You’re confused. One moment he is being all touchy, and the next moment he is pulling back like this.

“I’m going for a swim,” He says. “I’ll be at the pool if you need me.”

You force a smile. “Good night, Baekhyun.”

“Sleep well.”

You enter your room and close the door behind you, exhaling. What was this sudden awkwardness and hesitation between us? You wonder to yourself as you walk into the bathroom.

After a long shower, you get in bed and try to get yourself to sleep but your mind doesn’t seem to allow you to. You are still confused, and frustrated. And as you lay there in silence, it suddenly occurs to you that there is a possibility Baekhyun might think you’re inexperienced when it comes to sex. You remember him asking about it before; if you’re a virgin, and you had refused to answer. He must’ve thought so, of course, considering how you always get all shy and jitterish everytime he touches you.

You sit up in bed, a hopeful smile spreading across your face when every thought in your head seems to fall into place. So this why Baekhyun has been so unsure to make a move. Because he doesn’t want to scare you off. Because he is waiting for you to be ready. Something warm moves through your chest. What a sweet soul he is. Has he always been this way? Or are you only discovering this side of him because you’ve fallen for him?

You hop off the bed, feeling unsure and nervous, yet there’s this longing so deep that it is making your heart pounds. You’ve never moved so fast in your life as you hurry to change into your nude colored bathing suit before putting on a bath robe. You give your appearance a quick check in the mirror before striding out of your room. Rushing down the stairs, you ponder through the things you are going to say to Baekhyun when you see him. In the midst of your nervousness, you can’t think of anything. So you can only hope that you’ll find the right words to say when you see him, soon.

The sliding door that leads to the backyard pool is left slightly ajar. You hear the splashing sound of the water as you step out into the open. The backyard is slightly dim but you easily catch sight of Baekhyun’s naked back. Your gaze slides along his bare shoulders, and you feel your stomach clenches at how broad his physique is. He has his upper arms stretched along the pool ledge, staring thoughtfully up at the starry sky. You wonder what, or who is in his mind at this very moment, and you find yourself praying that it is you he is thinking about.

You glance down at yourself. Your hands, they are slightly trembling as you untie the knot of your robe, letting it fall freely over your shoulders to the ground. Staring down at your semi-naked self, doubt washes over you instantly. What if Baekhyun doesn’t like what he sees. You are sure he has been with many women before, and for a guy as attractive as him, he must have high standards.

You feel the sudden urge to run away, back into your bedroom and hide, but it’s too late now, because when you lift your head, you realize Baekhyun is already staring.

Your breath catches when you meet his eyes. He stares at your feature first, then slowly, his gaze drops and drags down your body, drinking every inch of you. The air around you suddenly feels so thick, and your heart nearly bursts as you watch the lump in his throat rises and falls. 

You clear your throat softly to get him to look at your face, and he did. There are tenderness mixed with desire in his eyes, and you’re both thrilled and unsure. “Can I join you?” your voice came out soft.

Baekhyun takes a moment to process your question, then he says, “The water is freezing, baby, I don’t want you to get sick again.”

You press the back of your hand on your neck, checking your body temperature. “My fever has gone down. I’m feeling much better now.”

“Get in then.” He says, turning his head around to face the water again.

You walk over to the poolside and lower yourself into a squatting position. Baekhyun feels your presence close to him that made him turn his head towards you again. He keeps his eyes on you as you dip your legs into the water before sliding your body in. The water rises all the way to your collarbone and you shiver at the sudden cold sensation that runs through your body.

“Told you it’s cold,” Baekhyun mumbles. “Come here.” He reaches for your hand underwater and move you to stand with your back to him. Butterflies take flight in your stomach. What surprises you the most is when he wraps his arms around your waist as he hugs you from behind. “Better?” His low whisper sounded in your ear.

“Yeah,” you breathe, and despite your racing heart, you let your body relax in his hold. 

“I was hoping you’d come and you did.” he rests his chin on top of your head. “Did you read my mind, hmm?”

You huff softly. “I can feel you calling my name from up there.”

Baekhyun chuckles. “Why did you come here though? Can’t sleep?”

You hum, leaving a beat of silence before you confess, “I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

“Me too.” He says. “I think about you all the time.”

You let out a soft breath as a soft smile tugs at your lips. Here in the quiet, the beating of his heart sounded so clear in your ears, and so do yours. Glancing to your side and up, you find him gazing up at the sky again, seemingly in deep thoughts. In the dimness of the night, the moonlight is illuminating his feature, strands of wet hair fall over his forehead, and you take the opportunity to study his handsome face. Baekhyun must’ve felt you staring because he is lowering his gaze to look at you now. You suddenly feel shy by his closeness, by the soft way he is staring at you.

“What did you do these few days when I was gone?” He asks out of nowhere, the question random as if he’s trying to defuse the thick tension in the air.

“I did a lot of thinking and worrying...” you huff and shake your head. 

He turns you around to make you look at him. “Worrying about what?”

Your answer might come off silly to him but you decided to be honest. “I thought you were purposely avoiding me because of the kiss that we shared…because you didn’t enjoy kissing me.”

A frown marred his expression. “That’s what you were worrying about?”

You show him a small embarrassed smile before dropping your gaze to stare at his chest. “Silly, I know.”

Baekhyun grips your chin and gently tilt your head up, making you look at him again. “That might not be the best kiss, I know, but I enjoyed it.” He claims. “I enjoyed kissing you so much I want to do it again,” He lowers his gaze to your mouth and swipes the back of his thumb over your bottom lip. “I want to do it now...if you’d let me...” 

You blink up at him, the surprise causes your lips to part a little. Baekhyun gazes at you expectantly, waiting for your approval. Then you nod, and that small gesture brings a soft smile to his face. He leans closer and weaves his fingers through your hair. Your eyes flutter close and the butterflies take flight in your stomach when he presses his lips on your lips. 

Unlike the first time he kissed you, his mouth is moving more skillfully, more firmly this time. You slide your hands up to the back of his neck and return his kiss with equal passion. He groans into your mouth, the tip of his tongue sweeps across the seam of your lips, and you part your mouth in an invitation. Without hesitation, his tongue slides into your mouth to meet yours, and you made a whimpering sound when he bit down on you lower lip, tugging at it as he groans. 

His hold around your waist turns bruising and he roughly turns you around to back you against the pool wall. You gasp when he presses his body closer to you, his hands sliding down from your waist to the back of your thighs. You instinctively wrap your legs around his hips, and your chest emerges from the water with the elevation. His hard-on is now positioned against your womanhood, and your body reacts in pure instinct, grinding yourself against him with no inhibition. 

He grunts into your mouth and from there, the kiss quickly turns wet and dirty. You continue grinding yourself against him, and soon the ache between your leg is getting unbearable. You need more, but to your dismay, Baekhyun pulls his mouth away from you

You blink at him, panting and confused. “W-why did you stop?” 

His face is contorted as though he is restraining himself from something. What though?

“If we don’t stop,” he says, his voice a hoarse whisper. “I’ll end up fucking you in this pool and I can’t promise I’ll be gentle.”

“It’s okay!” your answer came so quick it surprises him. You bit your lips in a shy smile. “I mean...you don’t have to be gentle with me, Baekhyun.”

“I don’t want to hurt you...” 

You smooth your hands over his bare chest, feeling his heartbeat under your fingertips. His eyes flared, and it's making your heart drums with nervous excitement. “I don’t know if you know this but I’m not a virgin anymore, so you don’t have to, you know, hold back with me.”

Baekhyun looks more amused than surprised by your admission. The corner of his lips curled up into a grin. “Are you telling me you like it hard, baby?” Your cheek flares up and he lets out a huff when he notices it. “Is that why you came to me wearing this?” He lowered his gaze to your bathing suit. 

You nod. “Do you like it?” 

“I’ve never seen anything so beautiful,” One of his hands hikes up your waistline, cupping your breast before tugging the neckline of your bathing suit to the side until your nipple is exposed. You swallow heavily. “You’re too good to be true, baby...” He glances up, watching you with heated eyes as he rubbed his thumb over your bud. “Do you like it when I touch you here?” He ended his question with a light pinch on your bud. 

You expel a soft moan and Baekhyun takes it as a yes. He keeps his piercing gaze on you as he lowers his head to take your nipple into his hot mouth, his tongue twirling around the tip, teasing you for a while before he draws it in between his teeth in one long pull. 

“B-baekhyun...” you squeeze your legs tighter around his hips, feeling his erection poking deeper against your woman parts. 

The friction coaxes a low grunts out of him. He lifts his head from your chest to meet your gaze, his eyes smoldered with desire. His free hand is now coasting along your inner thigh, hiking up until his thumb is pressing over your underwear. He pulled the hem aside to reveal your pussy. “What about this?” He starts to rub his thumb over your clit continuously in a tormentingly slow manner. 

”More...” you beg breathily. “Please…aah,” a moan slips when he thrusts two fingers inside you, keeping his eyes on you as he fulfills your wish for more. Your inner wall clenches around his digit with each push. 

“So tight…” he murmurs low under his breath as he works his finger in and out of you in a lazy manner. “How long has it been since the last time you’re fucked, baby?”

Through your your lust-filled haze, you can’t even bring yourself to think. So you thoughtlessly mutter a “it’s been a while.” to answer him.

His free hand trails from the side of your neck, up, to cup your face. “So delicate and beautiful,” his voice thick, brimming with lust as he caresses your cheekbone. “makes me want to protect you and ruin you all at the same time,” he let out deep chuckles. “Is that even possible?” 

His hand disappears into your hair, and he leans in to kiss you sweet and slow, while his other hand continues to fuck your pussy, as sweet and slowly as his kiss. Although his touch brings pleasure to your body, it isn’t enough to relieve that overwhelming ache between your legs, if possible, it only worsens it, making you more needy and desperate. So needy you start whining and moaning to beg for more. So desperate you start rocking your hips against his fingers to take control.

Baekhyun’s fingers make a fist around your hair and he tugs it back, making your lips to detach from his. He looks into your eyes, his gaze dark and intense. “Stop it or I’ll stop.” He warns you. 

You still and nod timidly, surprised to discover this dominant side of him, but even more surprised by your own submission. You didn’t know you have it in you, considering how much you despise him ordering you around. But maybe it’s different during sex, because you find it such a turn on when he takes control like this.

“Good girl,” Baekhyun whispers his praise over your mouth. “Now tell me what you want.”

You drop your gaze to the hard-on underneath his black swim shorts. Although you can’t see it well due it being underwater, you can feel it damn well and Baekhyun gets the message. He hums and pulls his fingers out of your tight hole, causing a small gasp to fall from your lips. You loosen your thighs around his hips so he could remove his swim shorts. Your breathing slows when he wraps his fingers around the base of his cock. His jaw clenched as he gives it a few pumps before he slaps it hard over your pussy, drawing a lewd purr out of you.  

Baekhyun brings his eyes up to stare at you, his dark pupils dilating. “I was planning to take it nice and slow today,” He starts rubbing the tip of his cock over your slit and watches as you squirm against him. “But you...God, you are one hell of a temptation to resist, aren’t you?” 

“Baekhyun, please...” your breath comes out ragged. “I-I don’t think I can take it any–Ahh!” the air is knocked out of you when he roughly slams his cock into you, stretching you so good you cry out a lewd sound of pleasure. You feel so full you can barely breathe, and he isn’t even fully inside you yet. 

Baekhyun drops his head to your shoulder and you feel his warm, heavy pants fanning against your skin. “Baby, you’re so tight my cock can barely fit,” Baekhyun breathe out harshly and moans when you unconsciously squeeze around his cock. He lifts his head from your shoulder and plants his hand on the pool edge on each side of you. 

Your heart nearly beats out of your chest when Baekhyun holds you in his gaze. His jaw is tight and you notice the bulging veins around his neck. He looks so masculine, so thoroughly turned-on, and knowing that it is you who made him like this gives you a sense of ease and a little boost of confidence. Feeling bolder now, you lean forward to put you mouth close to his ear. “Baekhyun...” you whisper, parting your lips to pull his earlobe in between your teeth. “Fuck me, please, I can’t wait any longer....”

“Jesus,” He curses roughly. And when you lean back to stare at him, the heat in his brown eyes are growing hotter. “Where is this side of you coming from?”

You chew your bottom lip through a smile. “I think you bring it out of me.” 

“Fuck, you’re so hot,” he says hoarsely, moaning a little when your pussy clenched around his cock. “Hold on to me, baby.” He orders, so you do as told, sliding your hands up and slinging them around his shoulder. He presses his lips in a thin line as he slides his cock out of you, leaving just the tip inside you. And with a grunt, he slams his cock deep inside you, until you are hugging every throbbing inch of him. Your fingers dig into his back in a reflex as he lets out a low guttural sound from the back of his throat. 

He leans forward to capture your mouth in a hard kiss, and then he is pounding into you, driving his dick deep inside you mercilessly. It almost feels like he’s going to rip you apart because he is so big, and you’d never been fucked so hard like this. With each thrust, the water sloshes all around and you are pushed harder against the wall. You are a mess of moans and whimpers, and if it wasn’t for the kiss that’s muffling your lewd voice, you’ll likely wake the housekeepers from their slumbers. 

“How does my cock make you feel?” He whispers through a husky groan as he pumps his thick length in and out of you. 

“So good,” you say breathlessly over his mouth. “You make me feel so good, Baekhyun.” 

His thrusts is becoming quicker and harder now. He is fucking you as if he is losing control of himself, like he’s a wild animal let loose of its cage. A beast unleashed. And it wasn’t long until you feel that knot coiling up in your stomach. 

“Baekhyun,” you panted heavily. “I-I’m close.” 

“I know, baby,.” He slips his hand under your stomach. He presses his thumb on your clit and pulls back to watch as he starts rubbing it aggressively. “Come, come for me.” 

A cry; almost a scream tears out of you as your body quakes and shudders against him. Your walls are convulsing around him but he didn’t stop pounding his cock into you. Soon enough, you feel him swelling inside you as his orgasm nears. His long, guttural groan sounded in your ears, and with one last thrust, he jerks against you and unloads his cum into your pussy. 

“Fuck,” Baekhyun grunts harshly before he slumps into you. He drops his head to your shoulder as breathes heavily. Your thighs loosen around his hips and you drop your legs to the pool tiles, too languid to hold them up.

As you try to moderate your breathing, reality begins to sink. Baekhyun has just cummed inside of you, without protection. Fear grips you tight in your chest. 

“Baekhyun,” you pat on his back and speak into his ear. “we didn’t use a condom.” 

He lifts his head, his chest inflating and deflating as he tries to regain his composure. “Don’t worry, I’m clean.” He finally says. 

“It’s not that,” you explain. “I’m not on the pill.” 

Baekhyun considers it calmly, as if you didn’t just tell him the ‘news’ most men fear the most. “One time is probably okay.” He assures. “But if you ended up pregnant, I promise I’ll take care of you...and our baby.” 

Your heart soars. “Our baby?” you voice out softly, half in disbelief, half liking how the words sounded when he said it. 

“I just filled my sperm in your vagina, whose baby would it be if its not ours?” 

Your body shook as you laugh. No one you know has ever used the word ‘sperm’ and ‘vagina’ in a sentence. God, you really adore this funny and sexy man. You give him a smile. “You know it’s funny how we do things the reverse way.”

“Reverse way?”

You nod. “Usually, people fall in love first before they get married and make babies, but for us...it’s the other way around.” 

“I don’t think so,” Baekhyun disagrees. “Because I think I’ve passed the first step.” 

“First step?” you ask. “What do you mean?”

His answer is to lean in and kiss you. Sweet and softly. A complete opposite to the wild pool sex the two of you just had. The kiss lasted for a while before he pulls back to stare at you. His eyes hold so much emotion that it is making your heart rate goes overdrive. 

“When I got home today,” He starts. “for a moment there, I had this bad feeling that you were gone, that you left me… and I...it broke my heart.” the expression in his eyes is something close to pain. “I know we don’t have much time together, and I know if you decide not to marry me, I can’t force you to stay…but if you leave, baby...I’d be so broken because you,” He sucks in a shaky breath. “You’re starting to mean everything to me.”

You’re starting to mean everything to me…

He…

Your eyes roam over his face to search for any trace of mischief, or deception maybe, but there’s none. He is being truthful. God. You are hit by a wave of emotions so intense you know you will likely burst into tears. “I...” Your lips part and unpart, trying to form a word but nothing comes out. 

A look of understanding laces his eyes and he smiles. “It’s okay, baby. You don’t have to say anything if you’re not ready.” 

Unlike Baekhyun, you are not someone who is good at expressing your feelings. But he has just shown you parts of him, and you know it is only right if you do too. 

“I can’t give you an answer yet because...I honestly don’t know it myself,” you explain. “Marriage is a big thing and I need time to figure things out, Baek.” your hand moves up to cup his face. “What I can tell you is, you mean something to me, and the thought of losing you scares me too.”

That brings a hopeful smile to his face. “Does it mean you’ll stay?” He asks. 

“Yes, Baekhyun.” you return his smile. “I’ll stay as long as you want me to.”

Next Chapter

[coastaldragon]

Dragon Diary 1/7/21

So...this is my resolution for the year.

I wanted to start a kin-related diary. I found myself missing how often I used to muse about myself and my experiences here, and have long since felt...detached from myself. Stuck in the loop of going through the motions of “human.”

A week late on my first entry, but so it goes.

These entries will just be flow-of-consciousness blabbles for the most part. I’ll talk about any kin-related thoughts I’ve had that day, how I’ve been feeling, how my otherkinity has affected my day, etc.

I have a lot of catching-up to do with you all, so the first few entries may seem disjointed and a little long. Lets get started. This is long. And a bit negative. But hopefully they won’t all be.

cw for death and drug mention and health talk like needles and stuff

I don’t quite remember why I dropped Tumblr like I did. I think I was getting annoyed at all the UI changes, and just overall very busy with “real life.” These things happen. I slowly drift away from a platform. Sometimes for weeks, months, or years in this case. Then I’ll drift back. Kind of like a scrap of wood on the waves.

In the time I’ve been gone life has been...interesting. The source of the stress that caused me to awaken in the first place is gone. He OD’d in...2014? 2015? Some time around there. My grasp of time is worse than ever.

We hadn’t even known he’d be using anything. Turned out he was stealing my late father’s remaining fentanyl supply. One of those guys who preys on widows like my mother. He lied about everything. His entire past as we knew it was a lie. And he was just leeching off of us.

It was...hard. I was the one who found his body upon getting home from work. My mother is still traumatized, even now. Even after all he did. She did love him.

I think all that hardened me quite a bit. And I’m sad for it. I’m still trying to soften myself again, but my trust has never been shattered like that before or since.

My now health is...poor. I had a great job working at an independent pack-and-mail sort of place for a few years. Very laid back, when the customers were nice. Helped me build a lot of strength and muscle. Quite enjoyed showing off by hefting 50lb boxes onto my shoulders. Helped me feel less weak in this squishy human body of mine.

But about...2 or 3 years ago [again, time is a myth to my brain] I woke up and my shoulders were just.

Locked.

It felt like someone had stuck paint spanners under my shoulder blades or something. Not only that, but I was weak. I barely had the strength in my arms to lift a half gallon of milk in the morning.

We thought I’d just hurt myself showing off, somehow. So we gave it some time. Took ibuprofen, used pain creams. Took a few days off work.

But it didn’t get better. It got painful. And the moreso. And moreso. And then my back began to have trouble as well. It was spreading. I felt...ill.

So. Doctors. Tests. More bloodwork than I’ve ever had in my entire life. [10 vials at once for one appt!]

My primary, who is a garbage person I never wish to see again, insisted it was just a sprain. Or something. Whatever. But I knew it wasn’t. My mother knew it wasn’t. Everyone I knew knew it wasn’t.

Specialist time! At the behest of my cousin, who has a litany of autoimmune disorders, we hooked up with a rheumatologist. Who I will call Dr.M. 

Dr.M is an angel on Earth. I am convinced of it. A full year he spent with me, ordering tests, trying treatments, working with me to figure out what the hell was going on. And we did. And what a mouthful it is.

Ankylosing spondylitis. No, it’s not a dinosaur. [Though I do think I’m ‘hearted for ankylosaurines...I don’t think it’s related lol!]

You can look it up if you like. But basically: My immune system is fucking crazy and attacks all the things. Most places describe it as being a lower spine disorder, and while that is certainly where its centralized in most folks, that’s not all it is.

For example mine is, obviously, centralized in my shoulders and upper back. But it does aaaaaaaaaaall sorts of crazy shit. Every day is different. Joint pain, exhaustion, GI trouble, stomach upset, lack of appetite, murderous migraines. The usual for an autoimmune illness. But also wacky shit like costochondritis [painful inflammation of the cartilage of the ribs], random organ inflammation like in my kidneys [not fun], lungs [I had a 3-month stint of chronic bronchitis last winter], and even my heart [very not fun.] Sometimes it likes to attack my “integumentary system” aka shit like my skin and hair meaning I’ll have weeks where my hair just. Sheds. Like a damn cat. It gets everywhere and w/ my long-ass quarantine hair it’s so annoying.

This attack dog immune system does mean it’s unlikely for me to catch little bugs like your common colds and stuff, which is appreciated. But it also likes to maul anything else it deems foreign. Like medication! I took Humira shots for a few months and had a “paradoxical reaction” aka it did the literal opposite of what it was meant to, because the injections pissed off my immune system so much it went scorched-earth on whatever it could. Mostly my thighs, since that’s where the injections were. I still get stabbing pain in them and it’s been over a year. [No, I don’t think I can sue Humira over this. Though I have discussed it w/ my Dr.]

This also means that if I do get sick, it’s bad news. Something strong and unique like COVID? Death. Deaaaaaaaaath. Would likely trigger something called a “cytokine storm” aka my immune system nukes everything and my organs die and so do I.

So guess whoooooooo’s been locked up at home for almost a full year now? :’)

I luckily am able to work from home, though it barely pays the bills, and my health has suffered from a lack of being able to Do Stuff I normally would.

As a result I decided to get back in touch with myself.

It started with Second Life, because of course it did. A new dragon avatar came out. Shiny and mesh and easy [by SL standards] to modify. So me and a few friends [some kin, some not] made a group for sharing stuff for the av and just hanging out. It’s fallen by the wayside unfortunately but those nights spent chilling in SL with a bunch of other dragons roaring and goofing off felt really really good.

And then I made a kin Twitter. [And found some exceptionally cool kinfolk in the process.] 

Then came Othercon the virtual otherkin convention and OtherConnect, the Discord spawned from the community that rapidly formed within the con. Othercon felt incredible. Panels and lectures about the history of otherkinity and alterhumanity and how we are today and rep in the media and just so! Much! Cool! Stuff! And tons of great kinfolk too! 

To not only be within a community but seeing others like me and speaking with them, not just typing back at words on a screen. It was...so very, very reaffirming. It felt like a second awakening almost. I wanted to cry for finally, truly not feeling alone.

And now I’m here. Because I need to be. Because something, deep down, is telling me I’m going to be needing myself sometime soon. So I’d better get started.

I hope I don’t drift away on the tide again. I’ve missed this site, worse for wear as it is.

But I’m a bit tired today. A nasty headache lingering from yesterday’s nastier flare up. Accursed cold fronts. I used to enjoy them but not so much these days. Ah well.

I know there wasn’t much kin talk in this first entry, but as I said, we had a lot of catching-up to do!

[toothmuncher3000]

Tips for How to Survive Blood Tests/Self Injections

(From your local trans lad)

CW: Needles, blood, detailed medical stuff. If you’re not cool with that, power on through and scroll past! Have a safe day.

This is just a quick comforting word and bit of advice to anybody who is (like I was) incredibly anxious about blood work, learning how to inject yourself with T or E, and all the various accoutrement!

[disclaimer: I am Canadian and a transmasculine person on T starting April 6, 2019. My experiences aren’t universal and I’m still learning a lot, but this is just some stuff I wish I knew before getting started! This is a very loose guide that will give you a rough idea of what to expect through my own experiences, any nurses/doctors you see for this process will be able to go over the finer details with you.]

Blood Work

1. Don’t look at the needle when getting your blood taken. It’s kind of thick and big. I go so far as closing my eyes.

2. It’s incredibly quick, I had three vials drawn today and it took less than 20 seconds. It hurt less than a stubbed toe or whacking my elbow on something.

3. I’m Canadian, so my session was completely free. All I had to do was show up with my requisition form from my doctor and my BC resident care card. I waited for about 25 minutes because I was just a walk in with no appointment, but you can make appointments if you want. So if you live where I live, hopefully that’s helpful to you! LifeLabs have my back.

4. You can’t eat or drink anything but water for 8 hours before hand. Sorry! My advice: book an appointment early in the day.

5. The process went like this: I went in, hung up my bag, and rolled my sleeve up my arm. The nurse chatted with me for about thirty seconds, I avoided looking at the needle. She wrapped a rubber band around my upper arm, pushed on my inner forearm to locate the vein, and sanitized the area. She asked me to take a deep breath, I closed my eyes, and she put the needle in. To draw three vials took about 20-30 seconds. Then she asked me to take another breath, she pulled the needle out, put a cotton swab and kept pressure for a moment before putting a band-aid. Then I kept pressure for 3 minutes to keep it from bruising, and then I was gone. That’s it!

6. Your anxiety is totally valid. Nobody likes needles, but honestly it’s not that bad at all! It’s a pain in the ass and your arm is gonna be achy for awhile. Avoid lifting heavy things or moving it around too much for like 4 hours after a draw. Just remember that while needles are scary and kinda suck, the actual draw is going to be 50-80% less scary than you think it’s going to be.

T/E Injections

1. In case you worry: no you do not have to do your first injections yourself, you can absolutely get people to help you do it the first few times.

2. I asked my nurse if anybody ever had a needle tip break off inside their body while doing an injection. He said no he has never seen nor heard of that ever happening. BUT worst case scenario and it did happen, it would probably hurt bad but it would be really easy to take it out in the ER.

3. There are a lot of finicky little steps to go through. The nurse will go over them with you in detail. I have yet to do an injection at home (my clinic keeps the vials until you’re ready to take them back) but I’ve done several by myself with supervision. The steps are a little like this:

a) Wash your hands, make sure your area is sanitized.

b) Sanitize the top of the bottle with rubbing alcohol. Give it about 30 seconds to sterilize. While it’s doing that, open up your syringe and the 2 needles but leave them within their packaging to keep them sterile. 

c) Screw the needle you use to draw with into place on your syringe (I use an 18 g to draw), be careful not to touch the part where they connect with your fingers to keep it more sterile. Remove the cap with one steady motion.

d) Draw a little bit of air into your needle. The bottle is airtight, so this is a necessary step. Inject the air into the bottle and turn it upside down. My current dose is 0.25 ml (gonna go up soon) so what I do is overdraw my dose and then push the rest back into the bottle until my dose is at where it’s supposed to be. Pull the needle out and draw back so all the medication is in the syringe and none is left in the needle.

e) Put the cap back on the needle, swap out the thicker needle for the thinner one (I use 25 g to inject). Set it aside with the cap still on and prep the area on your body for injection.

f) I personally go for intramuscular on my thigh. For anybody who’s doing that, you need to do what’s called ‘landmarking’, where you essentially divide your thigh into thirds and inject in the middle quadrant about halfway down on the outside of your leg. You don’t want to inject on the top because that’s where the bone is. You should be able to feel the muscle on the outside of your leg when you flex.

g) Sanitize the whole area, larger than you think you’re gonna need, then let it dry for 30 seconds. As you go week to week, you’ll switch back and forth between your left and your right thigh in order to avoid scarring.

h) Uncap your needle. You may notice that there’s what’s called a ‘bevel’ right at the tip of it, where the needle is cut at a slight angle and you can see the hole. You want the bevel to be facing up, since that will allow less pain as you’re injecting. Push the air out of your needle, you may see one little drop of medication beading at the end.

i) Your nurse will help you out your first few times, but when you go to inject yourself try to keep your hand smooth and steady and go quickly. I know it was super weird for me to stick it in, but honestly I find that it hurts way less doing it myself! Put the needle in, then hold the base with one hand to keep it from wiggling and use the other hand to inject. It’s going to be a little ouch as you push the liquid in, especially if it’s a little bit on the thick side. 

j) Pull out your needle, recap it and you’re all done! Be sure to dispose of your sharps responsibly.

See what I mean about finicky steps? It’s going to take a little while to get the process, but nurses and doctors are there to help!

4. If you inject any air into your body, you will be okay. It will work its way out. Even if you inject a whole syringe of air into your leg or something it’ll be fine. There’s no cause to panic. 

5. It definitely gets easier as you go! Like anything else it’s all about practice and just getting the hang of the motions.

6. My clinic provides free syringes/sharps bins/other supplies, but sometimes you can get prescriptions for supplies so your insurance can cover it!

7. Taking medication on the go? Stealth Bros Co has got you! They carry a range of products for storing/transporting your injection supplies no matter what gender you are, they’re well made and come in a variety of colours. Support queer business owners!

That’s my main advice spiel. I hope that some of that helps you out. I was completely petrified of needles when I was younger and I know that I had a ton of anxiety around it before I got started. Needles aren’t as bad as they seem, you get used to them as time goes on. Take good care of yourselves, loves, and if any of my trans fam has additional advice you may totally add to this post and spread some love!

Good luck, good vibes, and have a wonderful day!

[thesoupoftheafternoon]

6.5ish years T, 5.5ish years post top

Updating because of a surprise revelation regarding my dose & how it relates to my mental health. Also because I haven't posted on this for two years!

First off, general changes. Dose stuff at the end. (TL;DR dose stuff--by accident I lowered my dose by .1 mL and despite never having felt much of a difference mood-wise from changing my dose before, I feel fucking great and actually happy for the first time in a while! Surprise, your levels should also take into account your age and you shouldn't use the same reference range for the whole time you're on T!)

Under cut--this is mad long. [And cw for mental health talk including v mild suicide ideation, also alcohol/drugs]

T stuff:

I posted pretty much the same thing last time, but I'll reiterate that the vast majority of these changes are basically subtle things that no one else notices and that probably have more to do with just getting older/diet/exercise than being on T. My facial hair range is exactly the same as it was two years ago (literally just ‘stache and chin directly below the mouth) which checks out based on my dad/my entire family. I shave about once a week. Happy trail a little bit happier, lil more arm hair, lil more leg hair. Haven't been checking super closely but I think I have more hair around my butthole. Dick size is the same. Appetite has dropped a bunch--I can't scarf down food the way I used to. I’m read as male all the time, haven’t been misgendered based on my appearance since like 2013. 120-125ish pounds.

Chest stuff: (I had keyhole btw)

Nipple sensation is back, I repeat, nipple sensation is BACK! They're healthy and super perky, which I used to be kinda insecure about since they stick out a bit, but also like, who gives a shit? I would say they feel about 90% as sensitive as they were before surgery, and after a bit of touching they do start feeling a little less sensitive, but they never go completely numb. I'd say they've been at this level of sensation since early 2017. Left nipple is more sensitive than my right. My right nipple used to kinda bulge outward on the bottom but I guess the scar tissue has broken down somewhat since it's lying a lot flatter these days. The numb chest patches are smaller and way less numb and it takes less pressure for them to register touch. Drain scars look kinda like bug bite scars. Under-areola scars are very hidden, basically invisible. 

Lower surgery??

It’s on my mind but it’s always been a little on my mind. It’s not a priority. A hysto/oopho may be in order someday. But I’ve been thinking about what I want my junk to look like and be like as I get older, and whether my current setup and how I relate to it is going to be sustainable. I genuinely don’t know whether I would rather get metoidioplasty or phalloplasty. There’s a lot more thinking to be done. 

Dose stuff: 

I started T in 2012 with .5 injections every other week. With 200 mg/mL that averages out to 50 mg of T per week, although I'm sure my levels were different from someone on a weekly schedule. Around the 2.5 year mark my bloodwork came back saying I had super low T. I upped my dose to .5 every week, so 100 mg/week (which is famously a pretty common dose, there's even some trans merch company called .5cc.) Over the next year or two (I really don't remember exactly when) my bloodwork showed me now at very high T levels, nearly and in some cases exceeding the upper threshold of my doctors' reference ranges, so I lowered my dose to .4 and then to .3 mL/week, or 80 and then 60 mg/week. Of course I worried about T aromatizing into E, but my doctor at the time didn't test my blood for estradiol until I had already reduced my dose down to .4, and said my E levels were fine (I don't remember the exact number.) 

Even at 60 mg/week my T levels were still high. I and my doctors chalked it up to the fact that I work out a lot and/or maybe my body was just like that The general consensus was that "if your period isn't coming back, your E levels are fine," usually followed with some question like “how are you feeling on this dose?” or “are you feeling good?”

And what I kinda knew then then, but what’s even clearer to me now, is that I HAD NO FUCKING IDEA. My I-guess-it’s-anxiety, my on-and-off idk-if-it's-depression, my garbage sleep cycle, my self-doubt and second-guessing and skewed perspectives, have all been around in some form or another, so it's very hard for me to parse out what I'm even Really Feeling sometimes, never mind what might be causing that feeling. For the last several years if I felt bad I would usually conclude one of the following:

I feel bad because I’m actually a shitty person and feeling bad is natural for how bad and awful a person I am.

I feel bad because the world is fucked and society is crumbling and feeling bad is natural for how literally everything we love will be swallowed by the sea and/or be salted and burned in worldwide conflict.

Which is obviously not conducive to trying to figure out any other external factors or triggers for my shitty mental health!!

Plus it’s not like I was exactly excited to have less testosterone in my body. I was genuinely nervous that lowering my dose lower than .3 a week would just be an experiment that wouldn’t do anything except make me less buff and maybe even bring back my period. And I’d always been a little skeptical about the extent of hormonal effects on mood. T certainly affected my mood positively when I started, that was an obvious cause/effect, but I figured (and still do think) that had SO much more to do with finally being seen as a guy and having a masculine body than any sort of direct T-on-brain action. I did notice some increased irritability, but it wasn't much, and also I was still 16 lol. I noticed changes over the course of months or years--never within the course of a week. I can’t relate at all to folks who talk about spikes or troughs in their levels or getting a rush or feeling low based on where they were in their shot cycle. So I'd always tell doctors that I felt fine on whatever dose I was on because, well...I guess I felt fine!!

For the last several months--maybe the last year and a half, tbh--my mental health has been pretty bad. Over the course of any given day, the things I felt were generally limited to annoyance, panic, self-pity, drunk, stoned, and horny, and usually in that order. And that's a relative statement, because I'm pretty functional and haven't ever hit clinical levels of whatever, have always been able to find enjoyment in some things and get endorphins from exercise and complete necessary tasks on time, but hey, if you're reading this and feel like it's normal to constantly have "I hate myself, I fucking suck, why don't I just die" churning around in your head even if you're "not going to act on it," or that it's normal to drink and smoke weed until you basically pass out 6 days out of 7, or that it's normal to feel convinced every bit of positive affirmation you're getting is out of pity, Honey You've Got A Big Storm Coming. Like, again, considering how shit awful our current sociopolitical climate (and also the literal Earth's climate) are, it's no surprise I felt these were understandable feelings, and like, I guess they kind of were? But just because a feeling is understandable doesn't mean it's a good thing that I'm having it. Which seems remarkably obvious in hindsight!

Anyway, about a month ago I underestimated how much was left in my vial and had to do a .2 mL shot instead of .3. That's 40 mg for that week: even lower of a dose than when I started T. As the week went on I noticed I actually felt consistently happy: not just "someone's giving me attention," not just "nihilistic fun," not just "I guess the things I'm looking at right now are pretty," but actually satisfied, content, grounded, having emotions that felt like they came FROM ME. 

And since I’m always one to consider alternative explanations, there’s plenty of other factors that might have led to this improved mood. When I lowered my dose, I had just gotten accepted to two new jobs. I’d met up with friends I hadn’t seen in a while. But it’s not as though before I lowered my dose I never felt happy. It just never stuck around. These days I’m able to retain a positive emotion beyond the precipitating event and not just have the same boring self-hating thoughts over and over again. Which is huge!! I feel like I’ve really broken the thought cycle that’s defined much of my thinking for the last few years. So many of my emotions have been about my emotions, and a big part of why I felt so awful was feeling so helpless against these thoughts, and understanding completely deep down that it was irrational, that it really didn’t make any sense for me to feel this awful. That of course tapped horribly into my endless guilt complex and fed it and it just went on and on. 

I haven’t gotten my levels tested again yet--that’ll happen later this month. (My doctor knows and is cool with this reduced dose.) I’m especially interested to see where my estradiol will be at. My T will probably be more reasonable for someone my age--I feel like my crazy 1000+ ng/dL T levels were okay when I was like 19-20 but now that I’m a whole 23 years old (yo!!!) it makes sense they should be a little lower. I’m not a doctor, though--but then again, real ass certified doctors have made hashes of my medical care in the past, so I’m comfortable trusting myself a little on this one. 

General life update and thoughts on being trans in this world:

I’m much more relaxed and much more okay with being trans these days. Comes with being a lot more sure about myself and who I am, which is a continuous process and one that was happening even before I lowered my dose and was suddenly way less depressed. While I still get hives at the thought of anyone outing me without my permission, I’m a lot more comfortable outing myself to people, even large groups of people, even folks who I might not really know. I’ve come to appreciate the parts of me that are definitely and absolutely because I am trans or that reveal I am trans, and the connections I can make with people by sharing those parts of me.

I’m not sure I’d say I have a career at this point, but definitely most of the work I’m doing these days is in social justice, non-profit, LGBTQ-related, activist work. My resume more or less outs me as at the very least a deeply committed trans ally, lol. I think growing up and realizing I was trans I hated the thought that it would define who I was and what I did. I didn’t want to touch activism or trans spaces in general with a trillion-foot pole. 

I’ve since gotten over myself and like...let myself enjoy things, I guess? I really do find nonprofit work super rewarding and I finally admitted to myself I fucking love chilling with other trans people and talking about trans shit and that I do love, if not the fact that I And My Body Am Trans, the existence of community and the thoughts and ideas that we share. And a lot of the time I do like my body. And I’m kinda ready for this newfound happiness to stop feeling so fresh and exciting, because I know it’s a bit weird and inappropriate to be talking about how happy I am that I feel great when, again, The World’s Some Shit Right Now. 

But I think in general--not just about being trans--I’m letting myself feel the happiness that I have, with so much less guilt and shame. I always knew intellectually but am finally putting into practice the fact that simply denying myself happiness or feeling bad that I feel happy doesn’t bring happiness to folks who don’t have it. 

that’s it for now ! 

[pb1138]

Some Beautiful Shit

Hancock x OC non-maternal Fem!Sole

I still haven’t played any of the DLCs, so again, this is still just base game content. The only storyline spoilers are Hancock’s intro and a few minor side quests, like fetching and talking to people and shit. It’s also a minorly warped storyline so there’s that, too. I’m also going to say it now, my SS is NOT driven by the need to find her son. Like at all. 

Mentions of alcohol, drug use, death, etc. 

It was honestly a miracle that Ti made it through the door. She was gravely injured, clutching her gushing side. There was a line of blood spilling over her lips, and her eyes were wide with the struggle to not collapse. She stumbled a few steps into the settlement, the only thought in her mind was ‘help.’

She almost fell over when the bald man with the scarred face approached her, lighting a cigarette. “Hold up there,” he said. “First time in Goodneighbor? Can’t go walking around without insurance.”

Titania looked at him under hooded eyes and raised her laser pistol to point at him. “You better back off, or you’re the one who’ll need insurance.”

For some reason, whether because he realized the gravity of her situation and therefore her desperation or just because he didn’t feel like getting accidentally shot by the almost dead woman whose hands were trembling, but he conceded. “Woah, hey, all right, We’ll just, uh, say your insurance is paid up for now, okay?”

In the background, a man turned around from his conversation. “Woah, woah. Time out,” came his raspy voice. “Someone steps through the gate for the first time, they’re a guest. You lay off that extortion crap.”

Ti’s vision was beginning to darken slightly and she could feel her limbs grow heavier. She unwillingly dropped her arm, struggling to stay awake.

The first man turned and the two of them circled each other a little. “What do you care? She ain’t one of ours,” he gruffed.

The other man, who Titania vaguely noticed was a ghoul, lifted his arms in mock defense. “No love for your mayor, Finn? I said let her go.”

The other guy, Finn, responded in a deep growl. “You’re soft, Hancock. You keep letting outsiders walk all over us, one day there’ll be a new mayor.”

The ghoul, Hancock, stepped towards Finn. “Come on, man. This is me we’re talking about. Let me tell you something.”

The last thing Titania saw before the darkness dancing around her vision took her under was Hancock reaching behind his back and then a knife being buried into Finn’s stomach.

Xxx

When Hancock turned to the newcomer, wiping the blood off his knife, he was surprised to see the woman had fallen. Blood was quickly pooling underneath her, even running down her mouth. He turned back to Fahrenheit, raising his hand in the direction of the clinic. “Go get Amari.”

Fahrenheit sighed heavily, shifting her weight to her other foot. “Boss, she’s as good as dead. Why don’t we just—“

Hancock cut her off with another hand, kneeling beside the woman. “Go get her, I said.” He pulled a stimpack out of the depths of his inner pocket and injected it into the woman’s stomach, near her wound. He let out a low whistle as he assessed the damage. “You are one lucky Dweller, kiddo,” he said under his breath. Beneath her Vault 111 Vault suit, there were several bullet wounds and what looked like a bite mark. There were also a few bite marks around her collarbone but they were healing, most likely from stimpacks she used between attacks on her way here. The wounds on her stomach were beginning to heal, far too slowly to save her before the doctor could arrive. He loaded another stimpack into her abdomen. He slipped his arms under her head and her knees and lifted her with relative ease, carrying her towards the Memory Den.

Xxx

“It’s obvious she met with just about every creature outside our gates. It’s a miracle she’s even alive.”

Titania’s eyes cracked open slowly and slightly, taking their sweet time to focus. She turned her head towards the sound of the woman speaking and blinked blearily at her.

“Oh, she is awake.” The woman walked over and started taking Titania’s pulse. “How are you feeling?”

Ti took a second to think about it, smacking her lips dryly. “Thirsty,” she croaked out.

A shredded hand holding a glass of water came into her line of sight, and she looked up at the ghoul to whom it belonged. He was handsome despite the scarring, with high cheek bones and a surprisingly kind smile that was reflected in his black eyes. He wore colonial clothes, topped with a trifold hat that had been through hell and back, but it suited him. The doctor released her wrist and Titania reached up and took the water in shaky hands. “Thank you,” she whispered.

He smiled at her. “My pleasure. When you’re on your feet, feel free to stop by Town Hall and I’ll give you the grand tour, ok?”

She nodded slightly. “Ok.”

And with that he was gone, and the doctor had begun her line of questioning: name, age, what caused this, etc. By the time she finished, Titania had begun her drowsy accent into sleep.

Xxx

When she came to, the doctor came back over and checked up on her again. When she determined that Titania was healthy, she let her go free.

Titania walked out into the streets of Goodneighbor and took a second to look around. It was clear to her that drugs were somewhat an issue here, but she shrugged it off. “It’s the apocalypse for christ’s sake,” she muttered to herself. She even wondered mildly why she herself wasn’t high or drunk off her ass, but she sighed wistfully. “The day is still young.” She stopped when she noticed a kid running after a cat, heading towards the alley, suddenly reminded of Shaun, of her baby, of Nate, dead in his cryo tube. She forced the thoughts out of her mind and caved in, buying a quick hit of jet from a dealer on the street. 

She went and stood outside the Town Hall, looking up at the impressive building in awe. She remembered it vaguely from before the war, how its hardwood floors shown impeccably and how the light used to shine through the windows in an almost ethereal way, at least they did the day she had come to pay a parking ticket.

The Town Hall now was certainly… different. The wood was no longer shiny, the windows were mostly boarded up, dust and debris littered every corner, and on almost every floor there were squatters of some kind. She made her way up the stairs until she saw what looked like an office and she approached it slowly. She peeked in through the shut doors and saw the ghoul from before, leaning back in a chair with his feet propped up on his desk. A human woman lounged on a nearby couch, her feet also propped up. They were talking about something, but Titania couldn’t make out what it was. After a moment, she knocked on the door and waited until the ghoul called a lazy, “Yeah, come in.”

She nudged the door open and cleared her throat. “Uh, you said I should stop by? Is… now not a good time or?”

The ghoul looked up at her from underneath his tricorn hat. He jumped to his feet and spread his arms wide. “Yes, welcome to Goodneighbor, friend! Come, walk with me.” He crossed around his desk and gestured for Titania to follow him as he headed down the stairs. She glanced at the woman sitting on the couch and lifted her hand in a small wave before she followed the ghoul.

“So, whereabouts you from, Vaultie?” he asked.

Titania thought about it for a moment before she reluctantly answered, “Vault 111. I got out a few weeks ago.”

He let out a low whistle. “So you’re new to this whole Wasteland thing. It must be overwhelming.”

She nodded slightly. “Seeing how everything’s changed is… Well. It’s not fun.”

“Changed? As in, you saw it before?”

"Yeah. Vault 111 was some kind of fucked up experiment. They cryogenically froze us. My husband and my son, they... They didn’t make it.” 

She didn’t say anymore and he caught on, nodding knowingly. “I understand. You got a name?” 

She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. “Titania.”

He chuckled slightly. “Titania. That’s one I haven’t heard before. Though, I can’t say much. Name’s Hancock.”

She smiled slightly and nodded. “Pleasure. You can call me Ti.”

He showed her around the town for a while, talking for a while. Finally, he offered her a job, a way to earn his trust. To his surprise, she accepted, and no less than three days later did she return to him successful, all on her own no less.

Hancock gave his speech from the Town Hall balcony and finally offered to accompany Titania on her travels, and she heartily accepted.

They had spent several weeks together before he started to notice…well, her. He had definitely noticed she wasn’t bad on the eyes when they met, but the longer they stayed together, the better he got to know and appreciate her for who she was. And who she was, was a badass with heart.

He had seen her finagle payment from a measly 100 caps to 900, had seen her take down entire packs of raiders with just a handful of bullets, had seen her cry, laugh, scream, everything. And before he knew it, Hancock had fallen in love.

The first time he realized exactly what it was that stirred in his gut every time she looked at him, they had been sitting on a ledge on Trinity Tower, feet dangling hundreds of feet above ground. She had found a bottle of whiskey and some Nuka Colas on their way to the top, and she decided to crack them open and relax for a while. It was nearing dawn, the sun beginning to rise over the horizon and it lit the river up like liquid fire. They were both covered in blood, but the way she wore it was…ethereal. She had scarring across her nose and upper cheeks and a deep gash running from her temple to her chin, “from a bad car accident before the war” she had said, and recently she had sustained some bruising pretty much all over her face but somehow it suited her. Her hair was pitch black, cut just below her chin with thick bangs just at her eyebrows. Her eyes were a honey brown, and she wore thick makeup around them, including blue winged liner on top, black liner on bottom, and some light brownish colored eyeshadow that softened the whole look. Her pale skin was spotted with freckles (and at the moment, some specks of blood) all over her face but mostly around her eyes, and her nose came to a very subtle hook on the end. But her lips, her lips were what Hancock loved the most. They were full, almost thick, with a very pronounced Cupid’s bow, and she wore a deep red lipstick on them. They drove Hancock crazy, and he had caught himself staring at them on more than one occasion, wondering what they would feel like against his own mottled flesh, what they would taste like.

She glanced at him and smirked. “You’re staring,” she teased.

If he could have, he might have blushed but he turned back to watch the water change colors. He took a hit of a cigarette and leaned back on his hands. She took an impressively long swig of her whiskey and sighed in appreciation. “This shithole certainly surprises me sometimes.”

“How d’you mean?” he asked.

She smiled slightly and stretched, and he noted very carefully the way that her Vault suit stretched over her curves. “Even in all this shit and suffering and disaster, there’s still some beautiful shit out here.”

He nodded slightly, looking straight at her. “There sure is,” he breathed.

She glanced at him and he saw her cheeks deepen in a blush. She took another swig of her whiskey and in one fluid movement, she had him pinned to the floor, her hips straddling his, her hair tickling the sides of his face. He stammered slightly, taken aback, but before he could get out any words, she had leaned down and pressed her lips to where his would be, silencing every thought in his brain. He wrapped his hands up around her waist after a moment and grinned internally.

She tasted like tarberries. Tarberries and whiskey. 

[feministbynature]

I don’t really post on here, but I just found myself inspired after watching “Plus one” so here are my thoughts on the ep...

Who would have thought hell would freeze over and I would find myself giving Chris Carter credit and literally wanting to thank him for not completely screwing up an episode and finally giving us something that he has been dangling as bait above our heads for literally decades?!? ATTHS!!!! That should be the title of the episode because let’s face it that’s the main thing that I am taking away from this episode 😂 but that’s just me, one track mind and also no tolerance for Chris Carter’s “did they didn’t they” bullshit. Philes have withstood it for ages and I’m glad the game of torture is finally over. Apparently this is going to turn into a love letter ode to Chris Carter because right from the get go it felt like a proper xfile, I got that reminiscent chill way deep in my bloodstream when the doppelgänger appeared, nothing like things that go bump in the night with loud music in the background to raise my Adrenalin level to a high. The first dialogue between far fetched theory Mulder and rational medical doctor Scully  as they battle it out cerebral style is how we like our x files! Or at least how I like mine. It also continues Mulder’s theme of claiming the x-files as “theirs” as states in the last episode “This”. These cases are collectively Mulder and scullys bread and butter, and as much as Scully puts up a fight in trying to discredit Mulders whacky enthusiasm over the idea of doppelgängers Scully is intrigued enough to jump into a car with him hit the I95 south to get to the bottom of this phenomenon wether they are mental illness or else... and Mulder is gracious enough to extend her the first go at discrediting him by allowing her to conduct Arkie’s first interrogation at the jail. Bringing Karin Konoval back is yet another mark in Chris Carter’s favor, her fabulous acting abilities as both male and female deranged and mentally ill just blew my mind!  The whole theme of the episode evil minds evil forces borderline mental illnesses was just the thing that Xfiles has been known for and allowed for the frameworks in which Mulder and scullys mind work to kick into high gear ringing true to my ears. And now let’s talk foreplay! Cause there was so much of that interweaved with comedic splatters that I had to rub my eyes in disbelief that Chris Carter actually possesses these abilities (and why has he not used them more frequently?? They are equally as supportive of the show as the angsty ones if u ask me).- Asking for a couple of rooms and not just one assisted to get these two where we wanted them, together in each other’s arms, and it also ties in with the bureaus policy of agents sharing a room. the scold on scullys face as she tells Mulder she is glad to hear all he wants is some shut eye could be seen as an older prudish version of Scully minus the eye roll and skip in her step. But in the aftermath of the episode it reads to me like a married couple that the man is feeling frisky and the woman is just not feeling it that night so she sternly puts him in his place. Let’s face it right now Scully is leaning towards her medical theories to try and make sense of this case and the subject matter is hitting her, she sees more in Judy than meets the eye, and so I kind of understand this scene and appreciate it. Especially since we get the eyebrow foreplay when Mulder asks if that bed is nice and comfy as he comes through their adjoining rooms making it clear that he is still frisky and would rather be in that bed with Scully rather than chasing the case as needed. That actually says a lot about Mulder, sex with Scully is better than weird ass theories (I wouldn’t argue with that). I kind of got catapulted back to “rain king” when Mulder denied blatantly that he stared at Scully while someone pointed out the sheer attraction to him. And here we have Judy clearly seeing the connection between our two agents from just being in the same room with them for a few minutes. And also her twin brother who asks Mulder if he is “tapping” that tasty red head. Everyone sees it and at least they are not denying it even though they aren’t yet addressing the elephant in the room. I found it quite interesting that Special agent Dana Scully as well as Doctor Dana Scully who has fought men with guns and other social deviants and has conducted multiple surgeries and autopsied dead bodies in the past would get so flustered while dealing with a psych patient and her own mortality and aging. I think this was a critical comment about how society brands women as useless and nothing more than their labels, a woman who hits her 40’s is apparently less worthy bcs her womb is no longer functioning.   The fact that she can turn to Mulder for the cold harsh truth when it comes to insecurities shows just how Dana Scully has progressed from the woman who’s catch phrase was “I’m fine Mulder”. She no longer feels the need to hide from this man, she trusts him in more ways than one. And how endearing is it to hear him say “u have still got it going on”. The man speaks the truth! (Bless). And I don’t know if Chris Carter had “tony Orlando and dawns” song in mind when he wrote knock three times but that completely fits in with the solicitation of one Fox Mulder who tells Scully he is just a door away if she should ever want to get it on 😂 and let’s face it, it’s hard to resist the upper arm and torso muscly built of Mulder in that tank top 👅 Knock three times: Hey girl what ya doin' down thereDancin' alone every night while I live right above youI can hear your music playin'I can feel your body swayin'One floor below me you don't even know meI love youOh my darlingKnock three times on the ceiling if you want meTwice on the pipe if the answer is noOh my sweetnessMeans you'll meet me in the hallwayTwice on the pipe means you ain't gonna showIf you look out your window tonightPull in the string with the note that's attached to my heartRead how many times I saw youHow in my silence I adored youOnly in my dreams did that wall between us come apartOh my darlingKnock three times on the ceiling if you want meTwice on the pipe if the answer is noOh my sweetnessMeans you'll meet me in the hallwayTwice on the pipe means you ain't gonna showI can hear your music playin'I can feel your body swayin'One floor below me you don't even know meI love youOh my darlingKnock three times on the ceiling if you want meTwice on the pipe if the answer is noOh my sweetnessMeans you'll meet me in the hallwayTwice on the pipe means you ain't gonna show Continuing with the progression in scullys character I love the fact that she can come into Mulders room and just ask to be held, it’s a little reminiscent of the bed scene in I want to believe where Mulder offers to take the burden, curse god so that Scully can have a break and sleep peacefully. At that given point in time Scully might be cursing god for the pain that is in human mortality and having the ultimate stop be at heavens door so to speak. Mulder undressing in freak out mode and scullys naked shoulder bobbing from above the sheets is the moment that the fandom will forever be screaming about because we finally got a literal confirmation that our duo are doing it!!! (Enter mental freak out and jumping up and down with ecstatic overtones). And there we have it, the afterglow of sex apparently agrees with Scully as she has become the calm and rational no longer haunted by the ghosts that seeped in to her psyche beforehand. And apparently sex with Scully agrees immensely with Mulder as well who movements before his freak out smiled at himself in the mirror. He’s always been so harsh with himself so it was a touching moment. And that last scene, if you mute it and watch scullys facial expression as she shoots off Mulders invitation of a second round of bed wrestling u can see that she is flirting and contemplating it even as she is saying no. I would put more emphasis on the part where she is shooting him down if it ended with just that, but hey, I just call it a knee jerk reaction which was erased momentarily cause let’s face it Scully will now forever be drawn to that damn afterglow of sex with Mulder!!! And now that I have all of the positives out of the way, it’s inevitable to put aside the truly bad dialogue that was held between Mulder and Scully in bed. Had it been anywhere else I would have shrugged it off but Chris Carter, dude, the spooning was probably hurting your retinas and so u thought u would try to distract us with words that were just plain and simple garbage! (Lucky for us we can hit the mute button and just relish in the intimacy and the love that is Mulder holding Scully close). Here is the 💩 that Chris had to inject (I mean how can u get your characters so spot on in all of the other scenes and then fuck up the scene with the best potential??? This is the mystery of CC himself one which we might never really understand)- insinuating Scully thinks Mulder wants children and with a younger woman! 🤦🏼‍♀️ I mean sheesh! He has stuck by Scully for so long and looks at her like a love sick puppy!!! This whole Scully doubting Mulder when it comes to their personal ship is something that will never ring true to me. - Also the stupid question asked by Scully - are we going to spend time together (when they are retired) - as if the x files is the only thing that keeps them together. Has Chris forgotten he wrote a whole damn movie where Mulder and Scully were living in the same house, sharing a bed and not working at the FBI? I know Scully is talking after retirement but seriously man when would Mulder never be part of scullys life? - What’s stopping u from having another kid??? Like are u fucking kidding me dude?? Mulder knows what Scully went through to actually get pregnant (or try to get pregnant) that is not a line he would ever throw her way! And Scully saying she wouldn’t have anyone to have a kid with even if she wanted to? 😡😡😡 I would like to throw “per manum” in Chris Carter’s face and smash his nose with it! Mulder will never say no to scullys request of fathering her child no matter how uncomfortable it might be for him (which at this point I don’t even think this element even exists between them anymore). - Sorry not even Scully saying “we will think of something” as an answer to Mulders question what will we do if we  lose our jobs, which ultimately leads to sex can salvage this scene!!!  I want to see the original script of this scene because it seems that dialogue was cut form it, it kind of is all over the place near the end which is such a chris Carter move, leave the social criticism dialogue in, super glue it with some sort of Shippy elusive declaration and try to get away with it knowing fully well it’s less than perfect. But he gave us the sex, and as a PHILE I have over the years gotten accustomed to blurring the parts and selectively choosing the strong points of the episodes so I am choosing to focus on the physical closeness on this one rather than the flaky words. Ending with a few comments that I had that don’t fit into any long argument 🤷‍♀️ - let’s face it Scully can even make the words “gestalt gestven syndrome” sound like foreplay and totally sexy (and is anyone else wondering how many takes of that they had to shoot because Gillian just kept messing it up? I’m counting on seeing this scene in the blooper reel 😂- The mature  version of Scully, skeptic as she might be is willing to subscribe to the notion better safe than sorry while popping the bread pills- It was nice to see the actual scene on the road where the bear story happened 🐻🐻🐻- Chris Carter with his sexist dick/sword collection scene at the diner 🤢 - And seriously who has that amount of ammunition in his home???? 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

[sarahlynn225-blog]

Taming the Lion Chapter 2

Summary:  He doubted he’d see her again, but found a part of him hoped he would…McCoy finds himself faced with something quite unexpected, meanwhile Jim is hiding something, academy into movie(s), featuring hurt/comfort, drama, friendship, action all the good stuff

Chapter: 2 

Rated: T

A/N: Some hurt Jim in this one ;)

Six Months Later….

McCoy breathed deep the rich aroma of his ‘real’ coffee. Nurse Pletchet was a saint. He took a satisfying sip. Yeah good coffee could improve any day.

“I swear if your hand ‘accidentally’ touches my ass again I will drop you!” A female voice the up till that moment, quiet medbay.

“It ‘is’ an accident lighten up would ya?”

McCoy closed his eyes. He knew that voice, it practically having been burned into his memory the first time he’d heard it on that shuttle.

On second thought, where Jim was involved coffee would never cut it. Reluctantly setting the steaming mug down, he went out to meet his friend.

Leonard cocked an eyebrow at the scene playing out before him. Jim was being supported by a disheveled female cadet who looked like she really did want to drop him. They were both covered in mud, uniforms torn in places; blood marred the left side of Jim’s face. She quickly deposited him onto a biobed before facing McCoy and he was met with a familiar hazel green gaze.

Cadet Allison Young. He wasn’t sure if he should be surprised that he remembered her name or not, deciding to keep that tidbit of info from Jim. The idiot would no doubt tease him about it endlessly.

Her hair was in a braid that had seen better days, strands of it hanging in her face. She looked tired and straight up done with Jim.

She gave him a sort of half smile pulling at the hem of her uniform. It seemed to be an almost nervous gesture.

“Bones!” The blonde said all to excitedly, giving him that cocky ass grin and grabbing his attention.

“What the hell’d you do to yourself this time Jim?” He demanded grabbing a tricorder on his way over.

Young stood back arms folded face pinched with obvious irritation and maybe pain, though she had no visible injuries. Her previous unease seemed to have gone. “He tripped and fell during our Away Team SIM, hit his head on a rock.”

“I did not trip.” Jim groused and Young snorted.

“That’s what people usually call it when they make uncoordinated contact with the ground.”

“I’m fine, I had something soft to land on.” He said with a smirk at her to which she responded with a glare. Though McCoy thought he saw a slight flush rise to her cheeks under the mud smudged on her face.

“You’ve got a concussion, which is far from fine.” He snapped, obviously not everything he’d landed on had been soft, figures. “And that laceration needs to be cleaned and sealed.” He frowned when the tricorder revealed something else. “You’ve got a fever.”

Jim looked suddenly uncomfortable. “It’s nothing.”

McCoy glared at him. “It sure as hell isn’t nothing, damn it Jim why didn’t you tell me?” He demanded.

“Because it’s nothing, just a cold or something.” Jim insisted.

“It damn well is not ‘just a cold’.” His body was definitely trying to deal with some sort of infection. He intensified his exploration trying to find it’s source. Something on his upper right arm.

“Take your shirt off.”

Jim practically spluttered. Really he was gonna get bashful now? Though McCoy knew it wasn’t because of embarrassment, well maybe on some level. Kirk hated showing any kind of weakness. He glanced pointedly at Young then one of the biobeds. She took one further back, looking somewhat amused. A nurse approached her tricorder in hand.

He returned his gaze to Jim expectantly, knowing that it really wasn’t because of her presence that caused his reluctance. Having her out of the picture could still help though. Jim gave him a look and with a roll of his eyes Leonard pulled the privacy curtain, then folded his arms giving him a much sterner look.

“Jim-”

“All right, all right jeez.” He grumbled starting to ease the shirt over his head.

McCoy sighed when he seemed to be having trouble, helping the rest of the way. Jim looked suddenly paler, hair even more mussed upon reappearing, and he knew that look.

“Crap!” He growled lunging for a nearby basin, shoving it under him as Kirk vomited.

McCoy took the moment to examine his arm. There was a nasty looking cut just below his shoulder, the skin around it red and inflamed practically screaming infection.

“That sucked.” Jim grumbled, head still hanging over the basin.

The cut was long and deep though it had already closed over. He’d have to reopen it to clean out the infection. Leonard noted it looked suspiciously like a knife wound, and it was then that he realised why Jim may have kept this to himself. Pike had warned the kid about fighting.

“Jim.” He said carefully.

“Leave it Bones.” There was something in his tone that had McCoy clenching his jaw worry settling in his gut. It told him there was something more to the story.

“You dizzy?” He asked instead.

“Um, maybe a little.”

McCoy blinked in slight surprise at the admission. He must really feel like crap, then again who wouldn’t, with a concussion and a fever of a hundred degrees, and rising.

He grabbed a hypo and Jim eyed it as if it were a weapon of mass destruction.

“Relax princess it’s just a little something to lower your fever.” He said and Kirk gave him a look before-with obvious reluctance-letting him inject him. It was the first of many hypos he was going to have to administer, but he opted to keep that to himself for the moment.

“I’m gonna have to reopen that to clean it out.” He said gesturing at the cut. Jim grimaced. “And you need antibiotics.” Moment over. He grabbed another hypo.

This time Jim physically flinched away from it and Bones sighed. He was about to chastise him when he saw the fever burning in Kirk’s eyes, blue orbs a little glazed over.

Part of McCoy still wanted to snap at him, lecture him, but instead he rained in a little lowering his voice.

“Jim.” He caught his eye and the younger man sighed, blinking away some of the confusion.

“Yeah Bones, I’m with ya.” He mumbled.

Leonard eyed him a moment longer before holding up the hypo and gesturing at the others. “Antibiotics, analgesics, and something for the nausea.”

Jim opened his mouth as if to protest but McCoy interrupted. “It’ll help Jim quit being an infant.”

He grimaced but Leonard knew that he appreciated him explaining what he was going to give him.

McCoy shook his head getting to work.

“So, Cadet Young.” Jim said after a moment and he nearly rolled his eyes. Of course Kirk would focus in on the pretty girl. He glanced up briefly at the curtain that separated them from the rest of the med bay, as if he could see her through it. He wondered if she’d been injured, Dr. Sanders would’ve been called over.

“I landed on her you know.” Of course he did. “You think she’ll still go out with me if I ask?”

If McCoy hadn’t been known for his steady hands as a doctor, he would’ve flinched and his work on Jim’s head wound would’ve, not been pretty.

“Not likely.” He grumbled an odd feeling suddenly swirling in his gut.

“Couldn’t hurt to try right?”

An image of Cadet Taggert popped into the physician’s head, he had an inkling on what Young might do if Jim were to try hitting on her.

“Might, you know Taggert?”

“Who Thomas? Yeah why?” Jim asked curiosity clearly peaked.

“You ever wonder who gave him that broken nose couple months back?” Why was he telling him this? Since when did Leonard McCoy ever give a shit about these things? And he was most definitely not jealous, he barely knew the woman.

Jim’s eyes widened a fraction. “Her?”

McCoy cocked an eyebrow at him.

“Seriously? Thought it was Walsh.”

Made sense, Young had said she’d been in the line of fire.

“Guy did have it coming.” Jim muttered as Bones finished up with his head.

“All right, I’m gonna get started on your arm.” He said gathering his needed tools hoping to deviate the conversation away from Young.

“How long’s this gonna take?” Jim asked and Bones gave him yet another look as he replied.

“As long as it needs to Jim, if you’d come in sooner I wouldn’t even have to be doing this.” He glanced at the biobeds readouts. Jim’s temp was at a solid one hundred degrees. It was falling, if a bit slowly.

He wasn’t exactly happy about having to reopen a wound that was clearly bothering his friend, so distraction.

“You gonna tell me exactly what happened?” He asked and could see Jim tence at the question.

“Told ya it was nothing Bones.” Jim grumbled not looking at him, which he only did when he was trying to hide something.

“Jim-”

“I asked you to leave it then.” Kirk practically snapped and Bones paused in his work eyeing him. Jim’s hackles were up, he was on the defensive and that usually meant getting information out of him would be like pulling a tooth, without anesthesia.

McCoy however wasn’t one to back down, and Jim was his friend, his best friend if he allowed himself the thought and someone had hurt him. He wanted names.

But…he nearly sighed, it would be easier with a bottle of whisky between them. When Jim got like this it usually meant whatever had happened was due to something from his past. Jim was never inclined to discuss that sober. He didn’t like it but decided for now, he would leave it. For now.

Silence followed as Leonard worked to clean out the infection.

“Bones.” Jim said suddenly softly, and he glanced up sharply quickly setting down his tools to grab the basin once more.

The dry heaves left Jim shaky and clutching the basin like a lifeline. Bones waited a few more moments before speaking.

“Lay down Jim.” He took the basin away. Figures the anti-nausea meds didn’t really work, he couldn’t use the really good stuff because he was allergic. To his surprise Jim didn’t protest which spoke volumes about how he felt.

He hesitated before continuing on the cut. It needed to be done before the infection could get any worse, which he prayed it didn’t, Jim always had a crappy immune system.

When he finally finished clearing out the infected tissue and giving it a good cleaning Jim was dozing. McCoy glanced once more at the biobed readings. Temp was at ninety nine but holding steady, his concussion was mild and he didn’t foresee any complications on that end. He’d have to leave the cut open incase the infection resurfaced, not wanting to use the dermal regenerator until he knew it was gone.

He started cleaning up standing.

“Bones,” Again Jim’s voice was soft, a look at his face told Leonard that it wasn’t because he was going to be sick again. “Sorry.”

A smirk tugged at McCoy’s mouth knowing that had Jim been in his right mind, he’d be red in the face with embarrassment. Obviously he felt bad for snapping at him, and for everything else, he would’ve apologized eventually, but the fever and concussion left his tongue a little looser now.

“Just go to sleep Jim.” Leonard said, and there was ‘not’ any fondness in his tone. He knew for a fact that in a few hours Jim would be more alert and begging him to be released. Maybe he would, he could really use a shower.

He set the bed to alert him if he woke and stepped out from behind the curtain. To his surprise Young was still there. She hadn’t noticed him yet, staring down at her hands held loosely in her lap.

Frowning, he hesitated before approaching.

“Still here?” He asked wondering if Sanders had looked her over yet. She looked up sharply a grimace crossing her features briefly.

“Oh, um yeah, how is he?” She asked and Leonard blinked. That odd feeling returned to his gut.

“He’ll be fine.” He said voice clipped tone sharp, and her features seemed to fall a little.

“I was just curious, he looked like crap before the whole SIM started.” She muttered softly. All at once Leonard felt a little guilty; whether the concern was for a friend or not, it was genuine concern.

He made an effort to change his tone.

“He said he landed on top of you.” A statement, Jim didn’t ‘usually’ lie.

She chuffed. “Yeah, he fell from about six feet up I, unfortunately, broke his fall.” She said with another grimace, rubbing the back of her neck.

McCoy cocked an eyebrow at her. Why was she still here? “Sanders look you over?” He asked.

Young looked suddenly uncomfortable. “Uh, no actually, I was kinda hoping you would.”

The surprise must’ve shown on his face because she quickly spoke again.

“I’m not really fond of hospitals and you just-”

McCoy turned grabbing a tricorder and she quited. A little voice told him that her reasons could be different but he firmly squashed it. Some patients just liked consistency that’s all.

“You hit your head?” He asked and she shrugged wincing.

“I don’t know, no? There was a bush…” She trailed off and he focused on her head for a moment. No concussion, but she’d definitely strained some muscles in her neck and back and- Some of the bruising lower down was fairly deep and he was a little concerned about her right kidney. Her ribs were definitely bruised.

“I’m gonna need to take a look at your back.” He said it absently though he was anything but.

“Ok.” She said, voice softening, and he walked around the biobed.

He hesitated before carefully lifting her shirt up, revealing the marred skin. McCoy had always been more of a hand’s on kind of doctor, relying on only his equipment just wasn’t in his nature. There was something to be said about physical contact too, a proven gesture of comfort.

Reaching out he gently ran his fingers over the bruises. Heat radiated from the inflamed skin and she flinched at the touch.

“Sorry, looks like you bruised a kidney.” He said holding the tricorder closer to get a better reading. “It ain’t bad but it’ll be painful for a while.”

Young huffed a laugh. “Kirk’s not exactly a lightweight.” She mumbled. Bones let the shirt fall back into place coming around to face her once more.

“Your ribs are bruised, muscles wrenched pretty good.”

“So what you’re saying is I won’t be running the marathon I signed on for tomorrow.” Young stated. Bones gave her a look that faltered when he saw the spark of amusement in her eyes. He nearly rolled his feeling an odd jolt of, something, and couldn’t help the amusement that tugged at his lips. Normally he would’ve-like with most cadets-scowled at the joke but for some reason he couldn’t bring himself to do it with her.

“I’ll give you some muscle relaxers and something for the pain, beyond that ain’t nothing but rest gonna do you any good.” He said gathering the needed hypos. There wasn’t really enough damage to her kidney to warrant any repairs.

She accepted each without complaint, shoulders relaxing as the analgesic kicked in.

For someone who claimed to not like hospitals, she was pretty compliant.

“You see any blood in your urine come right in don’t wait.” He said gruffly. “Same with any dizziness.”

She nodded an unidentifiable expression on her face, though she seemed more relaxed now.

“Get some rest, I’ll put a note out to your professors that you won’t be in the rest of the day, and tomorrow.” He readied himself for a protest-fifty percent of cadets would-but she just nodded again looking tired.

Even with the muscle relaxers she moved stiffly getting off the bed. “Thanks.”

“Yeah yeah, you’re welcome.” Bones grumbled focusing on her file.

“I was right you know,” She said. “you should smile more.”

McCoy looked up at her, surprise making him slightly slack jawed. She herself had a small smile tugging at her lip a sort of shyness to her features. Before he could say anything-and for the life of him he didn’t know what that would even be-she spoke again.

“Feel better Kirk.” She directed the words past him and he found himself glancing back to see that he’d left the privacy curtain slightly open. Jim was watching with half lidded eyes.

Seriously why hadn’t the bed-oh that’s what that soft beeping was.

He turned back but found Young was once again leaving before he could react properly. He watched her go before wandering over to Jim.

“Bones?” The idiot had a smirk on his face. “Were you just, checking out her ass?”

Leonard huffed, rolled his eyes, and pulled the privacy curtain back into place.

Jim’s soft chuckles permeated the silence.