#for dissociation/meltdowns/ptsd flashbacks/etc

[engagemythrusters]

dogma didn't want to do a portrait but tup and kix made him… and there's only so many flashes he can take before it looks like war.

[chaoticsweetiee]

Here is my opinion on the last of us 2:

**SPOILERS AHEAD**

If you have never felt the grief of someone around you or the grief of yourself, you most likely will not like the ending.

For the good portion of the game, you fucking HATE Abby. Which of course, she kills Joel, basically Ellie’s dad. Through the adventure, you find that Ellie had a very difficult time coming to terms with forgiving Joel for what happened in the first game. Ellie is stricken with grief and the way she deals with it is anger by wanting to go after Abby.

A lot of things happen, I’m not gonna go totally into it but near the end, things backfire on Ellie after she kills off all of Abbys friends. Abby in turn, hunts down Ellie and fucks up Tommy, kills Jesse and beat the shit out of Ellie and almost kills Dina.

But she lets Ellie go, and Ellie in turn travels off with Dina. Well, it doesn’t end there. Ellie is extremely traumatized by Joel’s death (she saw it happen) and has severe PTSD. Now if you have never dealt with PTSD, again, you might not like how the ending goes. Ellie hunts down Abby AGAIN, and forces Abby to fight her while they’re both already half dead. Well, Ellie almost kills Abby before letting her go and then Ellie crumbles to the ground and sobs.

A lot of people hate the ending because Abby got away and Ellie didn’t go through with it. This was never about revenge or being angry, this is about a girl that has extreme grief over losing the only father she’s ever had, on top of the guilt for not forgiving him. Ellie feels like she wasted copious amounts of time being angry, she lets Abby go because she doesn’t WANT to be angry anymore. Killing Abby wouldnt have brought Joel back. It wouldn’t have cured her trauma. It wouldn’t have cured her grief. But Ellie wanted all of the pain to stop and she thought killing Abby would have given that to her. Well, surprise! Ellie has this realization and lets Abby go.

She didn’t forgive Abby. She didn’t let Abby go because “Abby is a good person.” She let Abby go because it. wouldn’t. have. fixed. anything.

At the final ending, Ellie loses two fingers on her right hand that she plays guitar with and she can’t find Dina. This isn’t a metaphor that Ellie has lost everything. This is a metaphor that Ellie lost SOME things, but she still has things left. Tommy, Dina, JJ, all of Jackson. And this isn’t to say Ellie can’t play guitar anymore either, it means she has to relearn, adapt and try to play differently with her left hand. Again though, metaphor. Living with grief and the loss of yourself and the things around you, these things mean you have to learn how to live differently now. Ellie has to learn how to live with her grief and a life without Joel.

Over all, I would give the game a decent rating if you can get over the initial rage for a good half of the game when you have to play as Abby. This isn’t a story that’s for everyone, because down to its core, it is has very conflicting opinions and it’s extremely complex. If you’re not willing to let yourself open up to both Ellie AND Abby, walk away man, you’ll just hate it. But personally, I find it to be relatively okay but there is some things here and there that I obviously didn’t enjoy either. They should have focused more on Ellie or at least evened it out because they focused SO much on Abby’s development. They should have showed us Ellie dealing with her grief in the beginning negatively (having a meltdown and throwing things, screaming, etc) instead of just throwing her down the rabbit hole. They should have shown more of the core PTSD throughout the game rather than once at the ending (nightmares, flashbacks, dissociating, not eating, not sleeping, etc) And the BIGGEST piss off was the way all of the trailers came out because naughty dog straight up lies to your face so you’ll buy the game because they KNOW you’ll be angry and not wanted to have played this game. I was fucking furious when I saw that nothing in the trailers was truly accurate. The way they handled Abby wasn’t the greatest either, they basically copied the last of us 1 and made her Joel, saving a kid and developing a connection to said child so Abby finally understood how Joel AND Ellie feel. While it’s a good tactic, its still copying from the first game.

Is it perfect? By all means, no. But it is an extremely heart touching story if you allow yourself to be in the places of both of these characters.

The last of us 2 man. What a ride

[normal-thoughts-official]

I NEED MORE AUTISTIC ALEC FICS AND HEADCANONS!! Like what do his meltdowns look like? Does he ever go nonverbal? Does he ever have very long nonverbal episodes? How do they communicate when he’s nonverbal? I need to knowwwww

unfortunately i don’t have any good autistic alec fics to rec (boy is this fandom full of terrible ableist shit) but i’ll take my crack at those dajsdodjasj

i think alec has shutdowns more often than he does meltdowns, because like, he was trained to repress his emotions and power through overload, you know? so he usually ends up shutting down rather than melting down. also, since he’s very self aware and has had to learn this to survive (cuz i can’t imagine shadowhunters would take kindly to someone having a meltdown) he’s good at realizing when he’s at the pre-meltdown phase. so usually during those he will go to training alone, or outside, or just generally find an excuse to leave. he’s become pretty good at making those up

he’s probably going to grab his weapons, because it helps him feel safe and a bit more in control, like he could somehow attack his own overload daodaoja and he kinda goes to the corner of the room and has his back to the wall, because he just becomes, like, very defensive you know? and when his senses go into overdrive that translates in his head as “danger” so the way for him is to isolate himself and prepare like he’s going to go for war. so he has his bow and quiver in hand and he’s looking around almost obsessively (which isn’t great, since you know, more stimuli) and he’s dead quiet and still like he might snap into action at any moment. like he tries to hold it all together so much that it just, compacts? i feel like he might also dissociate as a result, again because he’s used to just powering through and working even as it happens, so he just shuts down from the world completely

i also feel like they probably also commonly interlace with self harm which. again, not good! but it’s kind of a way to let it out, not just to “overpower the pain” as magnus put it, but quite literally like he’s bleeding the tension out. he just throws all the overwhelming feelings into his muscles and punches and just throws it out and around and tries to focus on that rather than on everything else

and yes, he totally goes nonverbal during those. i think this is one of the things that happened when he was at magnus’ and they had that talk about his self harm - he basically didn’t talk, he was just looking at his hands, you know? i think he could be nonverbal in that moment, but again he usually powers through to talk even as it drains every last ounce of energy out of him. i also feel like he might have gone to magnus’ not only for the obvious reason that it’s a safe place where he feels understood and happy, but also simply because it’s more toned down? like at the institute the lights are bright and the rooms are big and there’s people and noise. magnus’ loft (especially at night and on the rooftop like he was) was dark and quiet and calm, and so he could breathe a little and regain his surroundings, you know? magnus also gets sensory overload, especially with noise and touch, so he makes sure that his loft is free of noise/echo, that it’s not too convoluted that he has to keep touching things, everything is in Nice Textures, etc. his apothecary is also kinda dark and i think that’s why, not too much light, not too many distractions for when he’s working, less chance of getting overwhelmed when he’s already dealing with so many textures/smells/sounds/temperatures like when he’s brewing a potion, you know?

as for long nonverbal episodes - i don’t think he has long nonverbal episodes often, again because he’s used to powering through. like it might kill him to talk but he just- does it. because he’s expected to keep in position and to answer questions and basically just, keep going you know. but he often feels overwhelmed, and it’s one of the reasons he likes to listen more than he does talking. especially to magnus, because his voice is smooth and nice and has a cadence that just always feels natural? not exactly predictable but never brisk or shocking, and still interesting enough to distract him. plus, he likes to hear him talk. that’s it, really

but anyway! so he often feels like “oh god talking is so much right now”. tbh almost constantly, especially at work, because he has to deal with a lot of people and things and stress and there’s just. never a damn minute to recharge his batteries, you know? i mean he loves his job and he’s good at it, but it takes its toll on him

and so once he’s finally home he probably spends the, first few hours? quiet and retracted and dreading having to speak. but magnus doesn’t expect him to, and he also has his moments tbh, what with his flashbacks, his c-ptsd, and his adhd, sometimes everything is too much for him too and he doesn’t want to talk. i feel like magnus’ language in this case is more touches, both to keep himself grounded and to connect with other people, because while he doesn’t want to talk, he also doesn’t want to lose his anchor- it would be way too easy, honestly. and he wants to feel like other people are there, too. especially because otherwise he might have more flashbacks and his symptons might get worse, and it’s just- not good. so he likes to lay in alec’s lap, maybe play with his hands, stuff like this, when he’s nonverbal. it’s not so much that alec feels smothered, and he likes the closeness too, having good, light sensations to distract himself with and stuff

in regards to how they communicate when hes nonverbal: i think Magnus already has something of a system in place, because he's lived with Raphael, whom, i feel, has long nonverbal episodes more frequently. i mean Raphael is also used to powering through and speaking anyway, same as Alec, even if for different reasons, but it also just happens more often that hes overwhelmed and goes nonverbal. and Magnus notices, notices the way it pains him to speak, like hes trying to move through water, so he's like. you know, if you dont want to talk, there are other ways we can communicate. and raphael's never had anyone tell him that before (rosa always supported him when he was nonverbal and even spoke for him sometimes, and they had their own talking system, but hes never had anyone actually tell him "you know, it's alright" and he hadn't realized how much he needed it until he got it) so hes a bit overwhelmed and he just nods

i feel like both Raphael and Alec are still very communicative even when they go nonverbal, like- words are too much, but they still want to communicate and say stuff, you know? and i feel like Raphael likes to hum as a form of verbal stimming (kinda like Magnus) so they used that a lot - Magnus learnt Raphael's specific hums and what they meant pretty easily and if he didn't know he'd ask yes/no questions until Raphael got it. and it worked pretty well

idk if Alec is as into verbally stimming as Raphael, so maybe not humming, but his hands talk lmao. again, same as Magnus', he also loves stimming with his hands. so different movements can mean different things, almost like a sort of sign language, except specific to them and simpler, cuz like, dont wanna think about grammar and syntax and words and shit right now. but gesturing, pointing, twisting his hands - all of that works. and Magnus finds that he also likes talking with his hands (and humming) more than he thought once he started getting into it, so soon it's like they have their own secret language lmao they just get each other and their hand movements and what they mean and it's sweet :)

(i answered this one based on my own experiences as well as my brother’s, the knowledge i already had from following autistic activists for quite a few years now, as well as these sources which were written and created by autistic people. however, i’m not an expert, so if there’s anything inaccurate or offensive about how i’ve written it, please let me know)

[csa-survivor-confessions]

Is this kidnapping? What is this called? They held my parent and I hostage at our house and beat her up and we had to escape the house and I remember everything. Is it trauma if I think about it all the time but am kinda numb to it.. I always think about bad memories all the time but I don’t fesl much to it but I havs trauma symptoms I think and I also don’t know how to tell if certain memories of mine are even real? Help?

Hello,

So legally it’s not kidnapping as kidnapping requires you to be moved. However, it would be unlawful restraint or depending on location might be classified as false imprisonment. This is illegal and very wrong. Sounds like assault and I assume sexual assault because you sent us this message. Those are all both illegal and morally horrific. 

Being numb to memories is very common to trauma. Dissociation, which is the removal of self from their lives and memories, is a symptom of trauma and marker criteria for PTSD & CPTSD. This includes feeling no emotion to the memories or even as if it is not you who experienced it.

Rumination and obsessive thoughts don’t have to trigger panic or meltdowns they just have to be unwanted and disruptive. Those experiences might be similar to your experience of having to think about it all the time.

So we fundamentally do not believe in false memories. Our minds can process memories incorrectly and memories can be confusing, but the mind isn’t going to just create this event, people don’t make up sexual abuse the statics bare this out. Our article on repressed memories might help explain some of our stance and how this idea that the mind just makes up trauma and sexual violence is based on a history of abusers themselves denying trauma and misogynistic ideas of rape apologism. 

But a way that can help you understand the memories and parse out any confusion and distortion that can happen in memories. This is what’s called body memories. Trauma is stored in the body via the way trauma is more heavily processed by the limbic system and often is filed more viscerally. So even if you remember everything and don’t experience much dissociative amnesia the trauma is still going to be heavily stored in the body, this might also be why your emotions are disconnected because there can be a split between the emotional memories and narrative of the event. 

So body memories that you likely experience can help you understand trauma.  Body memories are explained like this:

“Somatic Flashbacks/Body Memories: This is feeling the same things in the body as you did during trauma. This is often very distracting like any sudden pain would be. This too can trigger behaviours used to cope during the time, can disrupt connection with the current situation. These can even cause extreme reactions like vomiting or passing out. Body memories can’t really be experienced without an emotional flashback happening at the same time.”

So these might not be understood as from the trauma if not often experienced co-currently with narrative memories. I think working to be in connection with your body you might notice periods of emotions or physical sensation with no event in the current time really causing them. And also during the narrative memories be in tune with the way your body feels even if there isn’t anything noted as emotions but things like physical pain, feeling cold etc.

I mention somatic memories and somatic flashbacks because they can not be faked. You can not make yourself store these memories because our imaginations will not process memories the way trauma causes them to be. 

I hope some of this helps,

-Admin 1 abduction 

[sadghostdyke]

neurodivergent hcs for the flock part one: max

max: autism, ptsd, bpd, npd, anxiety

autism: she likes 2 stim using feathers & has dermatillomania. she can't stand scratchy clothing. she is bad at reading social cues & has low empathy. she's very stubborn and her meltdowns are very Bad so she tries to bottle up her emotions; that doesn't end well. she loves to swing her arms.

ptsd: she regularly has flashbacks to the school; antiseptic, white lab coats, crates, needles, black suits, wolves, and the name jeb are all things that trigger a dissociative episode. she has very violent intrusive thoughts; her voice is somewhat a part of that. when she gets them she isolates.

bpd: she has really big abandonment issues due to jeb (fight me fucker). angel used to be her FP; it's fang now. she has really big mood swings / shifts; she feels like she has to constantly gain approval from everyone else and tries to suppress her emotions.

npd:  again, super low empathy! also, her sense of self-worth is super insecure. she feels super confident about her role as leader one minute; the next she's a horrible person who is a failure who can never do enough etc etc. she sets huge goals for herself (everyone happy when their lives are fucking MESSES) and hates herself for failing.

anxiety: again, see above; lots of unrealistic goals that she never fulfills; self-doubt.... etc.