#for the first couple vids after he left i would be crying until i had a headache and felt dizzy

[foolforyoongi]

goodnight my jinnie sleep tight and dont let the bed bugs bite ٩(๑> ₃ < )۶ ♡

[softbtsickies]

Just deal

I said I wasn’t a writer because I wanted to keep this account separate from my Wattpad but I found this old draft that i was never ended up posting on wp but after reading it again Ig it’s not that bad and it’s grown on me a tiny bit so I decided why not. Hope it can be enjoyed <3

*Based on the vid*

♡Sickie: Taehyung

♡Caretaker: no one 😀

♡Tw: emeto, small mention of skipping meals all day and very light fluff and angst (if it can be considered) hurt no comfort, but with sickness instead

Taehyung breathed in deeply while repeating a mental chant of the same affirmation “You’re fine, You’re okay,” over and over again like he was some type of scratched CD, he wasn’t quite sure if it was a breath of convincing himself into a false relief or to push down the ever climbing pressure in his esophagus. He found it was best to nervously fiddle with the beading and cuffs of his sleeves as an act of ignorance to the feeling of a wave of stomach acid crashing inside him likewise to bubbling ocean, as it had been doing all day. Taehyung had made it through many concerts having an ‘upset tummy’ without upchucking all over the place, and he was determined to keep that track record running, even if it meant having to survive the day on a tiny amount of water and the littlest human interaction he had in years to preserve energy and to refrain from having his mouth open long enough for his stomach to take the window of opportunity to reject everything when talking. He moved onto rubbing his sweaty hands against his stage pants while the stylist continued to prick and prod at him, everything churning inside him picked up in pace as he realised how close the concert was getting to opening. The stylist finally backed away from him, at the same time one of the stage crew stood behind him looking at the both of them in the mirror. Taehyung straightened his posture up as much as he could to show the worker had his attention (there definitely being no ulterior motive of trying to stop the compression of his tummy.) “You coming out or staying in here to get some rest before the opening number?” Taehyung looked at himself one more time in the mirror, the stage make up perfectly covering his lack of wellness. “I’ll...” he had to clamp his mouth shut to sallow the airy belch that left the familiar taste of the last time he was sick in his mouth. He knew it would raise more concern and questions to stay behind instead of meeting up with his brothers, but the thought of being around seven noisy members and even louder workers made his head spin. He didn’t need to add a headache on top of a sour stomach. “I think I’ll just stay here for a while, thank you.” He could feel the air from swallowing flutter in his stomach again, to his luck, it not releasing any noise until after the stylist and crew worker left the green room. He waited till the door had been shut for a good ten seconds before scrunching one side of his face with a pained “ohhh,” hunching over to wrap his arms around his stomach. The organ curdled loudly under his hand when he put it under his shirt to rub away the nausea. He looked at himself one more time, his face now morphed into a hurt pouted, and he raised to his feet. One finale attempt to feel better, he gently tapped on his belly to get one more burp out in hopes to ease the tension inside and made his way to find his spot backstage.

Pretending he was fine while performing was something that years of experience helped him perfect, but it never stopped the constant panic that at any moment would end up puking in front of thousands of the viewing eye, this could not be his next viral moment. His tummy had been quietly gurgling under the music the whole performance, and he probably was noticeably sloppy even laggy during the choreography sections, but apparently luck had favoured him as, soon enough, the lights dimmed, calling for a short break and instead of following the rest of his members to the green room, he changed his way to the bathroom instead and locked himself into the first stall in there. Tae stood over the toilet, hand massaging his stomach again until it made a sick rumble at the bottom of his middle, travelling upwards, making the floor of his mouth pool with saliva. Now being seconds away from vomiting, he realised his two bug mistakes of the day. Number one being the regret of not telling anyone. Why does he always play this game? Why doesn’t he bury the insecurity of opening up about his sickness and stop messing everything up when he finally gets caught?Questioning himself leads to the yearning of wanting someone to hold his hair, maybe pat his back or rub his tummy until and tell him everything is fine, it turns his eyes damp. The other mistake, not being revealed until his throat is starting to close and open up while his breathing is becoming more rapid and uncontrollable. It hits Taehyung that he had gotten away without eating a bite the whole day and now that his body thinks there’s something to expel, all it has to work with is plain vile. “Oh uh.” He hiccups into his fist, stomach finally jerking. Leaving no time to ponder on any more regrets, his body forced him to bend at the waist while something acidic poured out of his mouth. The second wave came with no warning and this time his legs stumbled to hold him up and a hand slammed onto the wall to keep his balance. Having a quick break, Taehyung rushed to his knees, one arm gripping the bowl the other hugging himself while his belly began to clench, looking for anything else it can bring up. He went through a couple more rounds of productivity until it was physical impossible to vomit anything else up. There was still a heavy churning inside him, and he knew this was just the beginning, however there wasn’t time to cry about how much pain the ordeal caused him or to get his breathing back to normal. From the bathroom he could still hear the cheers of thousands of army waiting to see him again. He would have to and pretend everything was fine, even if his voice would probably sound like shit from burning with acid.

He would just have to deal.

[elenatria]

OKAY BUT FOR FUCKS SAKE WE NEED ALL THE DETAILS OF WHERE, WHEN AND HOW YOU MET THE GOD!!!!!!!!!!!

I still haven’t processed everything, not because I’m starstruck that I saw Stellan for 3,5 seconds but because it was a miracle that it even happened. So this is not a “Stellan made me feel like a queen for five minutes” story (there was no time for that), it’s a “setting an impossible goal and achieving it” type of story. 

 @alyeen1 and I were discussing Stellan attending the Gothenburg festival back in January, and I was lamenting the fact that, despite learning about it three weeks in advance, the beginning of the new year had left me broke. I was totally regretting not having the money for that trip and Alyeen1 and I were comforting each other, making “what if” scenarios for the veeeery distant future, like “hey, don’t you guys have the Berlinale...? What if Stellan attended the festival for one of his new films...? Just an idea.”

Not long after that, Google alerts notified me on “Hope”, Stellan’s new film, having its European premiere there. Talking of getting my wish granted right away, I mean I had talked to talk, now I had to walk the walk, right? I’ve never taken such a big decision on such short notice - super scary, super urgent.

“Soooooo is Stellan coming?” was the obvious question. There was no way for us to know. We started spamming the Berlinale people with emails until someone pointed at the right direction, the film’s PR agent who said that the cast would be attending the premiere. Then @stellan-pip-69 suggested I should ask Andrea Bræin Hovig herself, Stellan’s co-star in “Hope”. Andrea is a total sweetheart, she answered right away and said that they would indeed be there. I mean, I couldn’t possibly be taking two days off work, spending four days and 500 euro on a whim no matter how much I love Berlin. 

However, we had no further info on where exactly Stellan would be. What we did know according to the Berlinale site was the time and place of “Hope”’s press conference and premiere. Thank god for Alyeen, the Valoris fandom’s resident Berliner, who had bought tickets for “Hope”s screening at the box office.

One day before the screening we were making plans and thinking of routes and timetables, and also we gained some experience from Hildur Guðnadóttir’s talk (who is an absolute darling as you can tell from her vids and acceptance speeches). 

See, after Hildur’s event we waited for her in the cold rain for about an hour and realized it’s not enough to be there early enough or to know which exit the celeb will use, or to run fast enough to get to them first: we also had to deal with autograph hunters who were bigger, stronger than us, outnumbering us, pushing us aside to get dozens of autographs signed by Hildur. They were pushy and persistent and had control over the situation, over what Hildur signed and for whom. Giving me permission to get  that selfie with her. It was almost nightmarish. 

After that, and as we dragged our feet back to the subway soaking wet, we were dwelling in despair and uncertainty. There was no way we could fight off guys who were doing this for a living. And what if Stellan had HUNDREDS of fans screaming his name? What if Stellan lost his patience with all those autographs he had to sign, like Hildur lost hers?

However, I got a glimpse of hope while waiting for the metro when I thought... “You know what? We’ve come so far. We’re doing everything right. We even rehearsed our moves, elbowing people and stomping on toes and screaming Stellan’s name as loud as we can to get his attention. We’re even willing to camp outside the fucking press conference hotel. We can’t possibly fail.”

But for all our meticulous planning, I was responsible for an almost-failure because of my delay the following morning. Remember what Stellan said? Never be late. Never ever. 

So, although my goal was to be at the press conference almost an hour and a half before, we got there only an hour before. That almost cost us everything.

Alyeen knows her way around Berlin and she knew the hotel had various entrances and exits, not just one. Lo and behold, as we approached it from the side, we noticed the road was closed and alongside the pavement there were bars draped with red and yellow Berlinale banners, with small groups of people hanging from them like ripe fruit. As we kept walking, I noticed a spot close to the hotel’s exit where it was getting a bit more crowded, so I peered across the street to see which celeb had attracted their attention and--

-- f-uuuck.

When you see Stellan Skarsgard’s head for the first time in your life hovering over a bunch of fans who are shoving things to sign in his face , there’s only one thing to do.

RUN, MOTHERFUCKER.

That’s all I could whisper to Alyeen1 in utter panic. 

“--run. Run! Ruuuuuuuuuuun.”

I’ve never left a friend behind so quickly.

So we ran like hell. 

We got behind the crowd and I tried to pull my cellphone out but it was too late, Stellan was already thanking the fans and disappearing into the building. If only I wasn’t late that morning!

Years of stress and running and being late have taught me to take a deep breath, give myself a second chance and try to find peace in the eye of the tornado, so I pulled out of the bag a piece of cardboard Alyeen had given me to draw “Hope”s poster with a sharpie. That would calm me down a bit and the wait wouldn’t be so unbearable. Besides we were front row and there was no one between us and the hotel exit, although we still didn’t know which side of the corridor Stellan would pick first, left or right?..

So here’s my reasoning behind the drawing: the previous evening I had wasted my sleep trying to figure out how Tom Hiddleston’s fans were able to stalk him in filming locations (you see, Tom has a wide network of fans reporting on his every move, Stellan doesn’t). Also I wanted to see how his fans got front row on the red carpet and how they got his attention, how they made him do things like kneel for them. I noticed that in order to do that you had to 1) be a flashy cosplayer who catches the eye 2) nag Tom persistently with a voice that’s higher than your usual tone until Tom indulges you. It has to work, right? Like a baby crying for food.

But I’m no cosplayer, I’m an artist, so the idea was to hang a big-ass drawing of mine in front of the barrier to get the attention.

Turns out... I didn’t even need it.

After waiting for about an hour and a half and worrying that Stellan had already left through another exit,  after watching the door open and close half a dozen times and seeing busy celebrities rushing off without signing a single autograph, we were on the brink of despair. 

Until the door opened one more time and 

Stellan was there.

I don’t remember what we did or what we said,  all I remember is that we called his name and dammit, that did get his attention. So we were the first he approached. Fuck.

As soon as he heard us calling him he gave us a broad welcoming smile and was ready for the selfies -  but guess what! I had forgotten to turn off the fucking timer, so Stellan moved on before the pic was taken.

God no. Not now. 

As he was taking a pic with Alyeen I begged him to come back for another try. He said he was too busy and had other fans waiting for him, there were too many of us, but I begged for like 2-3 seconds (a lesson I learned from that Loki cosplayer) so he came back and indulged me one more time.  X__X

After that I was dead inside, not only because I had to beg (I don’t do begging) but also because I had to be a burden to Stellan Skarsgard himself. Like, give me what  I want but please kill me afterwards, okay?

So yeah. Dead inside.

This is why I couldn’t relish the triumph right away, and to Alyeen’s enthusiastic “We did it, we DID IT!!!” my response was a numb “... Did we...?” >__>; 

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Inevitably, I had my stress attack after I got what I wanted. Also, I was just realizing that my stupid ancient phone couldn’t use the data I paid for before flying to Berlin so I had to desperately look for free wi fi and post the selfie before... someone stole my cellphone or something. 

For all the mishaps, we got to the red carpet so early that there were very few people waiting before us. Lucky for us 1) this is Berlin, not L.A., where people flock from all over the U.S. to take selfies with celebs they don’t even care for 2) this is Berlin, in February, so it was freezing cold and not many people were willing to freeze their asses off at the red carpet 3) this is Berlin, and crazy screaming fans are scarce. Unless you’re Johnny Depp but thank god Stellan is not Johnny Depp.

Andrea was the first to walk the red carpet and I was really bewildered by the fact that no one was screaming her name. So I called her. And she came! I thanked her for answering my PM and asked for a selfie (I must admit I take better selfies with women than with men). 

She was so sweet with me that I actually gave myself time to think and pull the cardboard sketch out of my bag to show her. I was like, whatever, you have it there, just show her.

She was so excited that she pulled out her phone and took a pic of my sketch. *___*   Crazy, right? I went to Berlin to find a king and found a queen instead.

The rest was like playing out a script. A couple of minutes later, Stellan came out of the car and started signing autographs and taking pictures so I had my second chance at a better selfie. Phew.

So nice of him, so so nice of him.

And oh, look at us lol.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Stellan Skarsgård Fan Acc (@stellanskarsgarddd) on Feb 24, 2020 at 11:32am PST

After the red carpet we could finally breathe. To my surprise, we even had access to the photo call itself in the Zoo Palast lobby.

Stellan was being playful with the photographers, knowing it was his job to pose but also being “whatever” about it, having done it a million times. He gave them one last pose going “Hey hey heyyyy!” and disappeared behind the blue panel until we saw all of them again after the end credits.

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The only thing I kinda regret is the fact that Megan was right there, right there, a few meters away from me as her husband was being photographed, but I didn’t dare ask for a selfie because the seats weren’t numbered and we had to rush into the theatre to find a good place. Damn. 

Until next time, I guess. Because there will be a next time, dear comrades. And hopefully Alyeen1 and I won’t be alone. 

[flintsjohn]

Malex: alex finding his mom

i… have no idea what this is. this might as well be two fics in one because it doesn’t really make sense but oh well, i hope you like this, nonnie!i know rath was michael’s real name or whatev in the og show but i have no creativity for names.disclaimer: i know very little about native american culture. i’ve done some quick research to find out what tribe alex’s mom could be part of, and her name i found in this video, though, as they say in the vid, the word sunlight would actually be spelled “shándíín”. please do let me know if there’s anything that needs fixing!

Michael opens the door after the fourth knock, a scowl onhis face and a crying baby perched on his hip. He deflates a little when hesees Alex who, on his part, lowers his raised first slowly, eyes fixed on thechild.

“You have a kid?” He says, voice low and a little lost.Sure, he hasn’t seen Michael in a while, but it hasn’t been nearly long enoughfor him to have had a son. Least ofall one that looks like he’s about a year old.

“It’s a long story.” Michael waves away the question, scowl stillin place. Alex swallows a couple of times and buries his hands in the pocketsof his jean jacket. Michael is still staring at him questioningly and it makesAlex squirm.

“I need your help,” he says in the end. Michael just raisesan eyebrow at him. “I know we haven’t been on the warmest terms recently, but-“He trails off. That’s an understatement. He’d stopped talking to both Michaeland Maria entirely after he’d found out about them. With Maria, it had been alittle easier to mend the connection after the initial burn, but Alex had kepthis distance from Michael even after Maria had let him know things hadn’tworked out between them. They’ve barely seen each other in the last six months –though they’ve both worked on resolving the Max and Rosa situation – let alonespoke to each other. So Michael’s snort is more than justified.

“What, haven’t got any little friends you can ask?”

“That’s-“ Alex sighs and bites down on the retort he hasready on the tip of his tongue. He didn’t come here to fight, he remindshimself. “I don’t trust any of them with this.”

Michael’s eyes widen a little, then narrow, and after asecond he’s stepping aside and waving Alex through. Alex has never actuallybeen inside Michael’s new place, so he looks around curiously. There are toysscattered around, a couple of pacifiers on the coffee table, along with acoffee mug. The tv is on, some kind of cartoon playing, but Michael shuts itoff as soon as he’s closed the door behind them.

“I was about to feed him,” Michael says, nodding at thebaby, who’s gone quiet as is now chewing on his fist as he stares at Alex. It’sa bit unsettling, to be studied this way by a one-year-old. “You can talk whileI do that.”

Alex nods and follows him in the little kitchen. He fallsinto a chair when Michael points to it, a grateful sigh escaping his lips.Michael settles the kid in a booster seat and goes back to preparing the meal,which Alex assumes he interrupted when he knocked. When he’s settled in frontof the booster seat, plastic kid-proof plate of baby food at the ready, he nodsto Alex to talk. It’s Alex’s turn to raise his eyebrows.

“Am I supposed to just ignore the kid?”

“Yes,” Michael hisses, then sighs at Alex’s unimpressedstare. “He’s not mine.”

Alex scoffs. He wants to say he begs to differ, because themop of light brown curls and the wide hazel eyes the baby is sporting are indicationenough. Michael seems to know that and regret his words, because he winces assoon as they’re out of his mouth.

“I mean, not exactly.” He sets the spoon down and coos atthe baby when he makes a protesting noise. “He came from one of the new pods wefound, about four months back. Kyle and Liz think he was about eight monthswhen we found him, so he’s around one now. I-“ he bites his lip and looks betweenthe kid and Alex, “I think he’s my brother. My biological brother, yʼknow. Hereached for me when he woke up, so I took him. I think he recognized mesomehow.”

He shrugs and goes back to feeding the baby, completelyignoring Alex’s open-mouthed stare. Alex licks his lips, shaking himself out ofhis stupor after a second. The questions shoot out of his mouth before he cancontrol them, “Does he have a name? And are you going to raise him as your own?”

“Rath, and yes,” Michael says, completely focused on thebaby, who smiles up at him at the sound of his name. Something that soundssuspiciously like Da comes out of hismouth and Michael blushes at that. It makes Alex go all soft inside and he hasto look away before he does something stupid like reach for Michael. Dammit, it’salready hard to be around him on his own, but with a kid? It’s totally unfair.

“Your turn,” Michael says after a second.

“Right, um. You remember when I told you about my mom?”Michael turns back to him, spoon halfway to Rath’s mouth. He nods, confused.“When I was trying to figure out my dad’s involvement with Project Shepard, Icalled her. She’d been in this care home for years, and when my dad let me knowhow I’ve been able to contact her, even visited a couple of times, but then,after my dad woke from the coma, I wasn’t able to reach her anymore. I think hemoved her to another facility, so I spent the last five months looking for her.At one point I thought-“ He swallows, blinking around the tears forming in hiseyes. He hadn’t even wanted to entertain the possibility, but he knew his dadwas capable of that and more. “But I think I found her. I just… I donʼt thinkI can go alone. I understand if you want to say no, considering last time…”He trails off, fidgeting with his jacket as he stares at a burnt spot on thetable top.

“Alex,” Michael says gently, reaching a hand out to him. He doesn’ttouch him, and Alex wants to cry at that because he misses Michael, missesbeing touched by him and talking to him, and realizes now this is probably a wayworse idea than he’d initially thought. He looks up at him anyway, hopeful. “I’llgo. I just need to call Iz and see if she can take Rath.”

*

They set off early the next morning, Alex passing over acoffee to a bleary-eyed Michael as the alien gets into the passenger seat ofAlex’s SUV. Michael nods in gratitude, slumping against the door. They don’tsay anything for the first few miles, Michael busy nursing his coffee. Alex cansee he’s fidgety, checking his phone every other minute.

“I’m sorry,” he says when he can’t take Michael’s restlessenergy anymore. Michael looks up at him, lowering the coffee cup with aconfused sound. “I know this can’t be easy. Leaving him. And this thing with mymom-“

“I agreed to it,” Michael interrupts him, voice soothing.Alex shoots him a grateful smile and they fall back into silence for a while.It’s not until Alex is turning into the drive way for the care facility thatMichael speaks up. “What’s her name? Your mom’s?”

Alex puts the car into park and pauses, only now realizingthat though he’d mentioned his mom in passing to Michael over the years, he’dnever actually talked about her. Hefeels shame roiling in his stomach and has to swallow a couple of times beforehe can give Michael an answer. “Shundeen. I… Think it means sunlight, inNavajo. We never really talked about her heritage.”

He bites his lower lip around a sigh, wiping his hands overhis face before he can get emotional. He hops down from the car, alreadywalking towards the entrance when Michael catches up to him. They find thereception and the nurse there, fortunately, lets them through without much of afuss when Alex explains his relation to one of the patients. They’re shown intoa bright recreational room where several of the patients are watching tv orplaying card games. Alex spots his mom sitting under an open window, book inhand. His heart clenches and he sighs in relief – she seems to be just fine.

Before they move closer, Alex turns to face Michael, handsraised between them. “You can wait here.” Michael’s eyebrows shoot up and he’salready opening his mouth to argue, but Alex interrupts him. “No, listen. Youknow about Mimi DeLuca, right?”

Michael’s brow bunches in confusion. “She forgets stuff. Ithought-“ Michael’s eyes widen in realization at Alex’s silence, mouth fallingopen in a perfect o. “You think herillness was caused by aliens.”

“Kyle and I aren’t sure, but yes. Apparently, Mimi had beenworking with my dad and Jim Valenti. Dad had Jim killed, but I figured he didn’tquite manage that with Mimi. They must’ve had another alien who could causedementia at Caufield.”

He can see the color draining from Michael’s face and wantsnothing more than reach for him, take one of his hands and comfort him. Heknows exactly what his mind’s flashing back to right now, because he’s thinkingof the same thing. With Rath around now, Alex can understand how much deeperthe loss of his mom hits. He watches as Michael blinks back the tears from hiseyes.

“You think he did the same to your mom?” Michael whispers,eyes shooting to the woman sitting in the chair.

“I wouldn’t put it past him,” Alex nods, “She left when Iwas so young, I didn’t even question when he told me it was because there wassomething wrong with her mind. He wouldn’t let me visit her at first, so I didn’tget to talk to her until after my first tour. She remembered me immediately,but her mind wanders, sometimes. I think maybe she was exposed for a briefperiod, just so my dad would have enough proof to get her committed.”

Michael curses under his breath, his eyes still lost overAlex’s shoulders. His fists are clenched at his sides and once again, Alex hasto push down the need to reach for him. He’s about to reiterate that Michaelcan wait where he is when their eyes meet again and Michael speaks, “You’re notdoing this alone.”

Alex feels a bit like crying, but all he does is nod. Hismom looks up when they approach, and her smile immediately puts him at ease.She looks happy to see him.

“Hi, mom.”

“My boy,” she says, setting aside her book so she can reachfor him. He hugs her tightly for a few long seconds, then lowers himself in theempty chair to her left. Michael hovers, uncertain, until Alex nods to theother chair. “Mom, this is Michael, my friend from high school, remember?”

Shundeen nods, her eyes focusing on Michael. Alex has tohide a smile when he can see him shift under her studying gaze. It only lasts asecond, because then she’s turning back to Alex. Her smile has gone a littlesad. “I didn’t think you’d find me.”

Alex curses his father’s name to hell and back, for puttinghis mom through this for no reason. For having loved her children and wantingto protect them. He takes his mom’s hand in his, stroking his thumb across thesoft skin. “Of course. I’ll always find you.”

They spend the rest of the morning catching up. He tells herabout having been honorably discharged, about the progress with his leg, aboutfinding private coding gigs so he can work from home. They don’t mention Jesse,though his shadow still hovers over them. Shundeen’s eyes grow distantsometimes, and Alex has to call her name a few times to get her to focus, or hehas to repeat stories he’s sure he’s already told her, but she looks like she’sdoing much better than the last time he talked to her over the phone, back whenhe first found out about Project Shepard.

They say goodbye when the patients are called in for lunch.Alex kisses his mom on both cheeks, then presses his forehead to hers for a fewseconds. He’s so lost in his overwhelming emotions that he doesn’t noticeMichael hanging back for a moment, not until he’s outside, able to breatheproperly again and realizes he’s alone. He shoots Michael a questioning lookwhen he finally gets out of the building, but Michael just shakes his head andnods to the car.

“I want to get her out of here. Take her home,” Alex sayswhen they’re back in the SUV. He’s staring straight ahead, unable to look atMichael right now.

“Your dad-“

“I know,” he sighs, eyes falling shut as he drops his headto the headrest. “I want to find a way.”

They’re silent for so long that Alex wonders if Michael hasfallen asleep, but when he opens his eyes to look over at him, Michael meetshis gaze with unwavering eyes. “Thank you, for coming with me.”

“Of course.” Michael smiles, small and genuine, and Alex’sbreath catches in his throat. He hasn’t been this close to Michael in months,hasn’t let himself think about it, but now they’re here and his blood isthundering in his ears. He focuses on the sound of Michael’s voice, the softdrawl of it. “She thanked me, you know.” He smiles again at the inquiring soundAlex makes. “She said, ‘Thank you for loving my boy’, and then she hugged me.”

Alex feels like crying. Again. He gives in and reaches forMichael’s hand, squeezing it tight. He’s overwhelmed and can’t say anything,but he sees in Michael’s eyes that that little interaction has meant the worldto him, having that one bit of motherly love he’d only experienced brieflybefore it had been ripped away from him. He can see the love he feels for thisman reflected on Michael’s face, and it hits him in full force – the need to bewith Michael has never been stronger.

They’re frozen, staring at each other, for a long time. It’sMichael, always Michael, that makes the first move in the end. He shifts in hisseat so he’s leaning forward, hands stopping a hair’s breadth away from Alex’schest. He’s not looking directly at Alex when he says, “I’d really like to kissyou.”

Alex has the presence of mind to whisper “Please”, and thenhe forgets about everything else around him because Michael’s lips are finallyon his again. It’s softer than it’s ever been, unhurried. Peaceful. Michael’shands cup his face like he’s something precious and when he pulls back, Alexcan feel the tears rolling down his cheeks. He sniffs and dries his face withthe sleeve of his hoodie, trying to dissimulate with a laugh. It comes out wetand painful.

“I missed you,” he mumbles, fingers curling in Michael’s shirtso he can keep him close, his head resting on Michael’s shoulder. They staylike that for a long time, until Michael presses a kiss to his hair and offersto drive.

The journey back is similar to the way over, only there’s asense of peace and calm between them that wasn’t there before. Alex spends histime watching the side of Michael’s face and the relaxed slope of his shoulders.They’re just crossing over into Roswell when he says, “Come home with me.”

“I have to-“

“You and Rath,” Alex hurries to clarify. Michael looks overat him like he’s grown a second head. “I want this, want you. I’ve spent thelast six months yearning for you, Guerin, cursing myself for having been toolate. I don’t want to waste another minute.”

Michael makes a choked-off sound in his throat, and then thecar is swerving off the road. Alex almost yelps, but Michael’s just putting thecar into park and launching himself over the central console so that he cankiss Alex.

“You can’t just say shit like that,” he mutters when hepulls back, still close enough that his lips brush against Alex’s with everyword. He sighs, forehead pressed close to Alex’s temple. “We have so much towork through, Alex.”

“I know.”

“I can’t be that easy.”

“I know.”

“I have a kid.”Michael pulls back completely, incredulous laugh bubbling from his chest. Alexjust stares at him calmly until he’s done. “Fuck, I can’t believe I’m sayingthis, but- Yes.”

“Yes?” Alex’s tone is hopeful, too hopeful, his heartpounding in his chest.

“Yes, I want that. I want you. This is crazy,” Michaelshakes his head with a laugh and wipes his hands over his face, but continues, “Idon’t care that I just got an apartment. I don’t care that we have a decade ofshitty things to work through. I want to come home to you at the end of theday, I want to raise Rath with you, I want-“

Alex shuts him up with a kiss. They’ll have time to figureout whatever they need. For now, he just wants to kiss Michael until they bothforget where they are.

[mesmeret]

Femlux: The Rise and Fall of E-Girl Hux

Inspired by a tweet from starsshine77  Fem!Kylo and Fem!Hux with catfishing, internet trolling, Diva Hux, and crybaby Kylo.

Still thinking of e-girl troll Hux. She has a vid of her wearing novelty vampire teeth and chewing on strawberries. She looks all innocent despite posing in her dark corner set up wearing a blood soaked dress. The caption says "i wuv vegans uwu save the earth!"

She composes these videos wanting to shock and confuse as many people as possible. She loves the high.

Kylo knew her in the K-8 private school they went to. Kylo had been in awe of the snooty older girl. When Kylo got her first laptop, she started following Hux's descent into trolling and performative arts. Hux would talk on her blog about how much she loved going to school wearing a normie flesh suit and then shedding it after school.

When Hux went to college for her MBA, she wasn't very active online. Kylo was dismayed but kept checking her blog. When Kylo is 19, Hux posts that she's starting a makeup and fashion channel. Kylo is startled to see that all of Hux's old internet presence is gone. Kylo was glad she saved all of the photos to a hard drive to prove that those years existed.

Kylo is Hux's first subscriber. She's so embarrassed thinking Hux is going to show up and confront her about it. But nothing happens.

Kylo works at a cafe while going to community college while Hux is making herself look like a living doll. The 24 yo doesn't say much about her life. Just off hand comments like:

"This mascara really stays on when you cry in the toilets at work."

"Sometimes you have to wear a mask around men."

"I hate the New York stench. So I use this perfume."

Kylo's pillows get two spurts of the perfume each week.

It's around this time Kylo realizes she's in love. She feels silly that she hadn't noticed it earlier, but she's always been slow.

Hux posts a video about once every two weeks. Kylo watches and studies each one voraciously. Hux slowly goes back to her cynical, dark self. Kylo missed it dearly while others find it disturbing.

Hux offers livestreams and Kylo rearranges her work schedule to attend with an alternate account. In Kylo's rush, she chose a very fit male torso as her profile pic.

The livestream is a shit show. Chat is accusing Hux of things while Hux slings insults at them. The service ends the stream and bans Hux.

Hux's next yt video does not mention the stream at all. She's chipper and cheeky as she does a clothes haul. Kylo is in awe. If she was in Hux's position, she'd have to be institutionalized for severe depression. Instead Hux is beaming at the camera saying the day's date and how much she loves this day. Kylo wonders why and goes down a rabbit hole to discover Mr. Hux passed away last year due to a heart attack.

Kylo uses her alt account and DMs Hux that she loves her smile. Kylo stares at the screen in shock that she sent the message. But she did.

Two hours later, Hux writes back with 'I give you something to smile about, fuckwad.'

Kylo types lightning fast before fully comprehending Hux's words, 'Oh yes please do.'

A couple minutes later, 'For real?'

Kylo bites her lip, 'Please.'

They fall into a weird pattern of Kylo complementing Hux and Hux replying in insults.

As Kylo turns 21, Hux becomes an overnight sensation on a viral platform. Kylo is wrapping up her accounting bachelors degree and nearly fails her midterms due to watching Hux's daily vids.

Their routine takes another turn when Hux starts sending Kylo photos of outfits. Hux would rarely wear the ones Kylo picked.

After a stressful day, Kylo is thrilled to see Hux wearing the checkered bra peaking out of a tight black body suit. 'Thank you. You made my day.'

Hux responds with a puke emoji and a very suggestive pic of the body suit unzipped. Her pale belly glowed. Kylo wrote back, 'My whole year is made. Beautiful. Thank you.'

Hux doesn't reply until next week.

Hux becomes a global phenomenon. Kylo is worried. She catches herself wanting to type 'are you okay?' But doesn't feel like it's her place.

Then the joke that got out of hand happens the next year.

Kylo's alternate account became a true catfish in order to be a top tier patron of Hux.

Kylo declines the video chat perks but wants the bathwater.

------

Hux's life sucks. She's never been happy. Never even had the chance to recognize it, really. She liked things but would get bored or hurt sooner than later.

It was weird that some girl from her hometown became her number one fan. Hux had no idea until a year into talking with Kylo in her DMs. She was stupidly catching feelings for this supposed guy who was nothing but supportive and kind to her. She wanted to know who he was, but he was very shy and declined to answer.

She had been partying after big sale with the sales team when she bumped into a guy that recognized her from the internet. He simpered at how amazingly scary she was. Intrigued, she got to know that he worked at a background company. She offered to use him if he gave her the info on this Kylo Ren guy.

It was nice to vent her frustrations of being catfished on the guy. Mitch was his name? She never saw him again since the morning after.

But she couldn't confront the weird goth girl from her hometown. Hux liked the compliments too much. They kept her going.

And as her corporate job found out her internet life along with the rest of the world, she needed Kylo desperately.

The suggestive photo was a shot in the dark. She had no idea if Kylo saw her as a gal pal or a /gal pal/. Hux returned to their hometown to see Kylo from a far after the Beautiful comment. Hux was stunned to see how tall Kylo is.

Kylo's social media only had two photos of herself. One of her at High school graduation and another of her tagged in her mom's second marriage. The former photo was her at a distance walking up to receive her diploma and the other was her sitting uncomfortably.

Hux couldn't enter the cafe. Kylo's snaggle tooth smile as two kids ordered something made Hux feel like the Grinch. She turned around and stomped back to her rental car feeling like an idiot.

It lessened when she got her first brand deal the next day. Money is one hell of an aphrodisiac.

Then the bathwater...

...and Kylo pouring it down her ample cleavage. The water shimmered down the sloping belly with the filter Kylo was using. It joined the rest of the frothy bathwater. Hux was bummed Kylo's mound was hidden below the surface.

'Now that's some bathwater I could drink for days.'

She smirked at Kylo's reply: 'I am so sorry for lying to you all this time. I didn't know it would ever get this far. Please don't hate me!'

'Sweetie, I just told you I'd drink your bathwater. I like you. You're sexy af.'

'Oh. Uh, thanks. You, too.'

'I knew who you were for a while.'

'Oh! Wow. Would you prefer if I was a guy?'

'No. Never.'

Hux frowned as twenty minutes went by, 'You good?'

'Yeah, I was crying. You're so special to me.'

Hux felt flushed instead of her usual reaction of 'Oh, get over it.' Kylo was genuine.

As Hux's businesses crumbled due to a volley of harassment and misconceptions, she knew she had a golden parachute. She cut her hair to a severe pixie cut after finalizing her business arrangements. She packed up her condo the next day and put it on the market the following day.

She rented a car on the fourth day and drove back to her hometown with her favorite clothes. Kylo was unaware of what she was up to and was sending sweet words of encouragement three times a day.

Hux pulls into Kylo's apartment complex feeling dead tired. But she wants this moment to be truly special. So she changes into an outfit that Kylo loved. Her strawberry school girl outfit, her orange tabby cat ears, and her pink faux fur coat. Her feet hurt too much for heels and she wants to enjoy Kylo's extra height. She grabs two of her suitcases and heads up to Kylo's apartment. Taking a deep breath, she knocks.

Kylo answers the door in a sports bra and pj pants. She stares at Hux dumbfounded before squeaking a hello. Hux sighs, "If you don't hug me in the next-"

Kylo pulls her into a hug and Hux hums appreciating their height difference. Kylo's chest feels just right against her own and Kylo's hands are so big!

"Wait a minute... why do you smell like my old perfume?"

Kylo blushes, "I, um... been following you for a while?"

Hux nods slowly before getting her voice back, "Well, now you won't need to follow me. I'm moving in."

Kylo pulls away trying to form words for a moment, "Really?!"

"Deadly," Hux gestures at her suitcases. "I've got four more in the car."

Kylo turns away but can't hide the sobs. Hux feels a wave of discomfort and has no idea what to do.

"I, uh, will get my things?"

Kylo looks over her shoulder, "Y-yeah, I'll go clean things up for you in the guest room."

Hux's stomach drops but Kylo hadn't rejected her completely.

When she has all six suitcases and two boxes of shoes in the living room, Kylo is crying silently while making pasta. "You can put your stuff in the room to the left. I'm making cheesy pasta for dinner. That works for you?"

Hux almost objected but remembered she doesn't have to maintain her skin anymore, "Sounds good."

She moves her clothes and sees the guest bed is a twin with Wonder Woman sheets. The primary colors are bold. Not at all Hux's aesthetic. But she wasn't going to complain. Instead she threw her pink coat over the coverlet. She went back to the kitchen area where Kylo was still crying.

"Allergies?" Hux asked.

"No. You're here and it's so amazing. Wow," Kylo sighs taking Hux in. Her nose and cheeks were exactly what Hux and all the other e-girls were trying to achieve. "You're here."

"For good. Had to liquidate everything. No more internet for me," Hux threw her hands up.

Kylo blinked, "Are you in danger? I, um, saw what those guys tried to do..."

Hux shook her head, "Nah, I'm gonna go by my real mother's surname and get used to people calling me Armie."

Kylo nods and pours pasta into the boiling water. Hux moves closer, "Like my hair?"

Kylo startles but nods, "Can I touch?"

Hux nods back and removes the cat ears. Kylo smiles shyly as she runs her hand through Hux's short hair. Hux mumbles, "Sorry you weren't able to feel it when it was long."

Kylo blushed, "It makes your cheek bones amazing."

Hux wants to blurt out 'Kiss them! Kiss me!' But Kylo is already awkwardly kissing her. Hux has to tilt her head up slightly and takes advantage of her balance slip to hold onto Kylo's broad hips. Kylo kisses her slowly, gently but commanding. Hux has to follow. There's no wiggle room like with everyone else. She started shifting her hips feeling arousal burn deep. Kylo pulls away with a satisfied sigh before stirring the pasta. Hux bit her lip. She wasn't going to scream. Her stomach was perking up after the long day of packing and driving.

Kylo wordlessly guided them to the couch with two heaping bowls of cheesy pasta. Kylo kissed her forehead before whispering, "Water okay?"

Hux nodded and watched Kylo's backside jiggle slightly with each step.

They kissed each other good night two hours later. Kylo tried to give Hux the wi-fi pw but Hux declined. She had gotten rid of her phone, iPad, and laptop. Kylo had squeezed her hand and told her things would get better.

Hux believed her. Especially when they ended up in Kylo's bed the next night. They hadn't done anything more than cuddling and kissing before falling asleep. The next day, Hux's new accounts were open with the money she was able to move from her past. She could've easily lived the rest of her life on the money. But Kylo's CPA study books caught her eye. She had a MBA with a focus on finances. When Kylo came home that day, Hux announced they were going to be accountants together. Her money could be put towards their business rent. Kylo cried for an hour before she could speak in clear sentences. Hux petted her hair while watching TV.

"That would be pretty fucking awesome, Hux," Kylo whispers.

Hux smiles, "I know."

Kylo sits up and wipes her face before kissing Hux, "Does mean you'll have to interact with people and be on the internet."

Hux shrugs, "Numbers are concise aside from human error."

Kylo's smile grows, "Fucking nerd."

Hux giggles, "Yes, fuck this nerd."

[sugarpun-fairy]

BEING A FAN AND DATING JOEL PIMENTEL - HEADCANNON

A/n: i was just fooling around w my mate @brattybombshell when this came up LAST MONTH I’M LATE FOR EVERYTHING SO PLS FORGIVE ME

also this is huge so yeah, enjoy urselves 

-x-

He meets you on the meet&greet  

You're all shy and nervous and almost pass out too like the girl from that vid and he's enchanted

P.S. it's your first show ever

And you bring everyone a letter with a small gift in it

The boys joke with you the entire time, trying to make you loosen up a little

You notice some of Joel's looks at you but you're like  

Nah, fam, me? Nop.

But the thing is that YES, FAM, YOU!

He's curious about you, your laugh and puns (that are just worse than Erick's)

He looks like a KID trying to find you when he's on stage  

But he can't

You were too far for him to see you and oh if he could bring you closer (like to his side) HE WOULD

After the show he's asking the whole staff to find you  

They can't

So he nicknames you Cinderella

You stole his heart and left without letting any traces

But he remembers your letter

He search for it like a dog searching a bone it dug on the backyard

He wants anything he can find about you, he NEEDS

A name, an address, an user

Homeboy is SO relieved when he finds your letter  

When he reads it and see your number there? He's on the clouds

He could swear he wouldnt complain about ANYTHING ever AGAIN  

Well, if you answered to a number from another country at least

He calls you  

He text you  

And you're like WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING MATE

That's when you pick up and he's like "hey it's me Joel"

You almost faint right there

Let's say that the show was on a Saturday and he's calling you at like

3 AM

And he's like PLEASE COME MEET ME I NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT YOU and you're like FUCK

Your flight is booked to the afternoon

You dont have this much time

The two of you don't even sleep

He sends a car to pick you up and you're a bit scared but SO excited (bc let's be honest the world is rlly dangerous for girls/women)

You didnt had time to put on makeup, just a quick shower so when you meet him you're all "oh boy I should have dressed up better why didnt I listened to my mom" AND HE LOOKS AT YOU AND HIS EYES FUCKING SHINE

That's when you stop, freeze and thinks  

"Fuck  

He's too much sand for my paper truck"

Then you see he's wearing the choker you gave him

And you melt

He's like "do you know a place we can go?" And you're like "I DONT LIVE HERE FUCK HE MUST THINK IM PATHETIC AND MUST BE REGRETTING CALLING ME HERE”

He finds it adorable how your body language shows your nervousness  

You can't keep eye contact  

But then you do

And then he's like "fuck" and you're like "fuck"  

And he's like "if you dont feel uncomfortable we could just get some snacks and stay at my room and talk about life" and you're so nervous you just shake your head

You see the amount of letters and gifts in his bed and you're like  

"IM REALLY HERE HOLY FUCK"

He doesnt make any move if he feels you're too uncomfortable  

So by the sunrise you're both sitting beside the other eating something from room service and he's listening to you rambling about your life

(He finds it adorable how distracted you get when you're talk and how sometimes you mix languages)

Then you stop talking and just sits back  

He's like omfgwhatdidido

And you're like imtalkingtoomuchheprollythinksimboring

You two stand there in silence and you look at the window

Sun is rising

His window is pointed straight at its direction

Mate

You love that boy  

But theres nothing more magical than the sun rising so you just go

And he goes after you

Mate it's beautiful

The sun, all the colors

But hes not looking at it

Hes looking at how even more beautiful your smile gets when the sun hits your face

"I'm sorry can I kiss you?" He snaps  

You're pretty sure you heard it wrong  

"What? Wait really? Yes please!"  

He nods and laugh  

You're smaller so he's leaning down and suddenly you're so nervous YOU BURST OUT LAUGHING

Your next thought is "I fucked up" so yeah you cry a bit  

You can't lie and say you hadn't cried already because the whole thing was SO UNREAL

The show  

The meet  

Being there with him

When he tries again it works

His hands are around your face then on your nape  

You dare to put your on his shoulder and his hair

His hair is SOFT

You guys keep touch

Using instagram since you doesnt have iOS (you tell him you hate it and won't ever trade your lil samsung, he gives you one anyway just bc he can)

You're not sure how to feel about it

First you're on the show  

Second you're kissing him at sunrise on his hotel room  

Third he's sending you gifts just so you can talk more?????????

Anxiety kicks in OF COURSE it's way too much

He stops telling he's single on interviews  

The boys tease him about it all the time

Talking about his Cinderella

There's a whole move on Twitter to find out who she is

You know who she is

Sometimes you're insecure  

About his career  

About you two  

About the fandom  

About EVERYTHING

He's always reassuring you about how he feels and doesnt care about anything else

(Your answer is always the same: anything else but music)

You're scared you'll start annoying him w your insecurities

So you start talking to the other boys too about it

Guess who slips that Joel wants to take you to tour with them when you can?

its hard to convince your parents, your vacation from work and college are not at the same time and you're like FUCK

the tour ends and you cant go and you're feeling so down

until he texts you saying he'll go to your country to see you

WE GOT POSTS EVERYWHERE "Is he going to see his so called Cinderella? So that means they met during the tour? Make your bets everyone"

it's crazy

you spend the first nights with him at the hotel before going to your house

the feeling of him being too much for you hits you everyday

gets worse when he goes to meet your family and youre like oh boy

you're so nervous you almost throw up

and everyone be like IM SORRY WAHT and you be like WE NEVER DID ANYTHING STOP RIGHT THERE

he spends that night at your house

its you, him, and your pet

and when you wake up you starts crying because you still can't believe

he also loves to hear you sing, even tho HE'S the singer there

its just a thing he likes, how you try your best even if you hate your own voice

a couple days before he goes back home he's like "get your passport i want you to go with me" and youre like "SO IF I TELL YOU ITS NOT THAT FAST WHAT WILL U DO"

and he just goes "JUST GET UR PASSPORT I HAVE A COUPLE MONTHS OFF AND I WANT YOU TO MEET MY FAMILY TOO"

At moment you're thinking if you could just leave everything behind and go live w him

part of you wants to

part of you is like "WHAT IF HE GETS TIRED OF YOU AND LEAVE YOU AND YOULL BE ALONE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY WHAT WILL YOU DO"

U insecure again

he talks to your parents, assure them you'll be fine

so you go

at first is just a short time

no one will die because of a little vacation right?

WRONG you're both destroyed when you have to go home

what do to? what to do?

stay? go? (SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO TANANANANA sorry)

you know he wants to ask you to stay, he knows he cant ask you that

you turn to him and be like "if i find a job here and have the proper documents ill stay" bc you dont wanna be a burden and want to have your own independence too

also california  im not sure if he does live in california but for fictional purposes the answer is yes

one of your dreams

so you stay

he finds a small ap for you to share and his mom helps you find a nice job

when you're all set he turns to you and be like "i want to make us public" and you kinda just freezes right there

you've been together for almost a year now so why not? you end up going for it

-x-

taglist: @southside-sweets @batboys-and-other-messes @imaginesandideas @brattybombshell

[curlyshyy]

New Apartment and the same anxious energy with a while lotta guilt and regret :) (A short story by me)

I love that when I’m too lazy and sad to pull out a journal I can come on here cuz no one looks at this shit. Why do I event still have a tumblr?

The last two nights have been rough for me, as I think new happy events trigger my brain into being sad and hating myself? Of course it’s nights where I’ve had to open the bar at 9 AM the next morning. I suppose that’s the first reason I hadn’t been able to sleep. I hate my job low-key. I once loved Alamo Drafthouse. Adored it even. Then moved to this shit hole in Norrh Richland Hills which is the furthest from the Alamo way, and I’m not valued. I feel like a fuck up everyday. In a lot of ways I am. I’m functioning with severe anxiety and most people don’t know or understand. I do stupid things when I’m having a panic attack, and these managers judge me hard. But here’s the thing I know in my heart, even when I hate myself, I’m a good worker, I’m kind, and will do anything for my coworkers and will eventually get really good at this job.im dedicated to say the least. I think that’s what matters most but for now they just see me as a fuck up, slow learner. I work my ass off though and they don’t see it. If I could work every second of everyday. Ifthis shit hole wasn’t trying to cut everyone’s hours cuz they’re not making any money, i’d work myself into physical exhaustion, like I’m so good at doing. Thats the only thing I can feel. It’s my only escape and I hate being there. This is a little dramatic. My life has been improving, and yes I know I need therapy. We been knew. My ass was anxious at 5 years old. Anxiety is truly hell, I wish I’d just force myself to hurry up and get help, and I wish I wasn’t poor. I wish my mom had saw how fucked I was and made me get help as a kid, but she did the best she could. Could blame the bitch but like, she has a hard enough time accepting and coping with her own mental illness. She hardly acknowledges it. That must be hard to lie to yourself everyday, and say that you just have to choose happiness.

The reason the last two nights have been shit is cuz I stayed up dreading going to work and being there all day and I hate the fuck out of mornings and waking up before noon. Which is why I like closing and usually have night shifts. Since the fucks cut my hours I gotta take what I can get though. I need a constant distraction at night cuz my brain is literally scary as fuck. I can’t even tell anyone about 95% of it. It’s so terrifying. So I usually distract myself with my phone. But I was like “hey, brain I know we’re anxious af and sad, but can we go to sleep?” To which my brain replied : “Remember this event from two years ago? Haha you’re a terrible person.” Then my body physically stiffend, I felt physically ill and my head ached and all I could do was think about past mistakes and everything that makes me a failure and bad person. Typical manageable anxiety for me at this fucking point, I’m just not gonna be able to sleep and I know it. Then I remember an old friend, I used to work with at Chili’s. Javi. Literally one of the very slim parts of the things that I don’t block out and cringe hard about when it comes to chili’s, are our times together. I block that shit hard. I mean just thinking about me in this time frame is enough to make me believe I’m terrible. I wasn’t right. I regret literally everything about chili’s. That place is a nightmare and probably what hell is going to look like when I arrive. anyways god damn. Javi is this sweet kind angel. We were all struggling at this mother fucking chili’s let me tell you. My dumb ass had just come back from vid con (2017) How did I afford that? I spent my rent money. Also I couldn’t afford to eat for like a week. But YouTube was and still is the only thing in this world that makes my brain feel calm. It’s a safe place for me. And I was dumb as shit. Anyway my dumb ass was already starving before Vidcon and could barely afford rent. :) cuz chili’s doesn’t pay well. So I was real fucked when rent came up and literally considered myself lucky when I found a packet of cheezits lying around, cuz that was a good meal to me at the time. I guess I’m telling my coworkers this and busting my ass all night bussing peoples tables and helping out as a hostess which of course paid jack shit. And I know I’m about to go home fucked another night, and Javi, pulls out the $165 dollars he made that night, and hands it to me. The boy had bills, and worked all night too. Who would ever be so kind-hearted to do such a thing. I of course refused, cuz what the fuck. He insisted. I said I was going to cry and he said “aw don’t cry Sheyenne, or I’ll cry too.” And hugged me. I was also super numb and depressed and wanted to be with Hannah so much, and honestly I don’t feel like I was my best self. I look at that person and I don’t feel like it was me. But I used it to pay rent. Still wasn’t eating and he even bought me food one day. Literal angel. I don’t know or remember if I expressed enough gratefulness. I don’t know if I was capable of expressing it. A couple months later he’s about to move to Idaho, and we have a goodbye dinner, and I figure this is a good time to repay him. I give him $100 which is all I could really do at the time, and try to tell him I think he’s one of the best people I’ve ever met. He leaves, and I think we only ever talked one time after that, and I offered to buy him pizZa but never did for some reason? We never really talked again. I alwyas momentarily remember him, but I really have chili’s and the person I was in 2017 so far blocked that I really can’t remember that shit. It’s so hazy. There isn’t a full day I can remember. Just tiny bits and pieces. For some reason two nights ago I remembered him vividly. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I felt panic and guilty as fuck. Paralyizying guilt. I felt like I should never deserve to enjoy anything ever again in my entire life. I felt terrible. I felt like if he ever struggled to make it or eat, then I should’ve been there for him. I stalked his fb, cuz I needed to know he was okay.

He doesn’t use social media too much. His mom however posts about him a lot. Which confused me because I know they have a strained relationship, and he could have a lot of help from his mom, but I think he resented the help, because they didn’t always get along? I don’t know how fucked she was to him though. What fb told me was she paid for him to come every few months. He has a new girlfriend that he seems very happy with, he seems happy in general. He’s smiling in pics. But that’s social media. At best pictures his moms posting. I felt like I needed to know or I was going to have a breakdown. I don’t have his phone number for some reason, so I snapped him a long message. Usually I’d feel crazy to reach out especially when we Weren’t that close but I just needed to. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t sleep. Then opened at work. The shake machine of course was fucked and I had to put it back together correctly only after shake mix poured everywhere. That’s just my life. Me doing something out of panic, and then having to redo it after looking like a dumb bitch. I truly learn from fucking up. I’m wired so fucking wrong. He finally responds once I’m off work. I read it. It’s not what I need to hear but it’s decent, and proves he doesn’t hate me. He tells me he’s good, but working at Taco Bell, and I know he’s still struggling which makes me sad, but I guess I’ve been struggling to, so I shouldn’t hold myself accountable for not reaching out. I’ve been so poor, and me and Hannah are just now catching up, and taking a breather after 2 years of struggling. I let my mind rest though because he’s alive and he’s eating and has a girlfriend and family who are looking out for him. Until the next night when I should be exhausted from no sleep. The guilt starts eating away at me again. I feel like I shoukdve sent him more money,but after a while I stopped thinking about it because of all that I was going through and that made me feel selfish. I felt that I owed him for my entire life. Maybe I blocked out how much he and his kinda gesture meant to me because anything regarding chili’s, is so far removed, and maybe that super vivid memory, is what I needed to remind me. I’ve also been struggling heavily with my mental health and off and on numb most of the time, so it is possible that I wasn’t as grateful as I could’ve been or at least didn’t properly show gratefulness. So I once again reached out and also sent $20. I really went for it this time. I said I literally need to know you’re okay and happy, and for you to know how special you are and sorry if this sounds crazy dog. Like I must’ve seemed fucking insane but I needed him to know. I don’t know why it was physically paining me so much. Maybe because of all the roommates and so called friends who disappeared without paying rent and left me fucked with no second thought of how I’d eat tomorrow. I just couldn’t bare to think that, He was out there roughing it, maybe Skiping a meal, (like Hannah and I’ve had to so so many times thanks to people who literally could give a fuck less.) After he was there when I needed help. He ended up telling me he didn’t need money, and that he did what he did because he was my fiend, and he even apologized that I didn’t have any friends at the time that would’ve helped me the way he did. He apologized. He told me that I deserved it. That really calmed me. I guess I forgot the good that I did because I just remember the bad. I guess I didn’t think about the positive effects I had on him. That I must’ve done something right for someone to care so deeply that they just handed me that kind of money, after a long shift. He saw that, and maybe he felt he owed me in a weird way. I still feel like I owe him. I wish I’d talked to him sooner. Genuinely good people are hard to find. Who tf would do what he did? Seriously. I am so glad I reached out though.

It worries me though. How small past events can trigger me so hard. It’s a snowball effect. Anxious about work, life, who I am, past mistakes, and it’s paralyzing and hurts my entire body and keeps me from sleep and makes me feel undeserving of a good life or any enjoyment. I really need to get help because it’s getting to an unmanageable point, like it was after I graduated 3 years ago. It scares me that so many past memories are blocked expect for bad ones and bits and pieces. It scares me that, there has never been a completely care free 100% happy period of my life, that lasted longer than a couple days, and now as an adult it’s an even shorter amount of time. Genuine happiness is rare and make men feel pointless. I’m empty most of the time and want things and have the capacity to work hard and achieve them but also feel that I don’t deserve them. I am capable of happiness and some days, I do feel genuinely happy even if it doesn’t last the whole day. My family and Hannah still have a lasting impact on me and even when I’m an unfeeling zombie, I still know love, and numbness makes it hard to feel but somehow not entirely impossible. Little bits of light get through the cracks, and in some ways I’ve gotten better at managing my brain, and I truly don’t want to die or think I deserve to like I once did. The guilt attacks and fears of being bad, and some how accidentally hurting someone emotionally or physically, still fuck my head up because I could never hurt anyone intentionally and feel guilt for any small pains caused alwyas. I wish I could take back many wrong words and hurtful actions done and said to loved ones, but I can’t but it’s okay because they forgive me, so I can forgive myself too. I have to let go of the past.

This really creeped in again because I started to feel excited about a fresh start and our apartment. My brain tries to tell me I don’t deserve it. I deserve to decorate with Hannah, and to allow myself happiness so that I can be happy and enjoy life and be a better girlfriend. I also need to get a new job that doesn’t make me feel like the scum of the earth.

A part from that all I’m feeling a lot better. I’m off tomorrow. I watched Phil’s new video and it made me feel hopeful, proud and nostalgic. YouTube and the youtubers that have been the stand ins for the lack of friends, have comforted me, inspired me, and put my brain to rest, and assured me I’m not as weird and alone as I think I am. That’s why I want to do YouTube. It’s a tough though. Editing takes a lot of time and I want to make things I’m proud of. I want to make music even though I’m bit a musician, I want to keep writing and actually read again like free 12 year old me did. I read and wrote so much then. I want to be that me again. I want to reach other people and help them feel less alone, I want to make a difference and I want to not feel like a failure. I just need to get past all of this guilt and I really think this is the start of that, and my journey to creating.

[criminalhotch]

“Going the Distance”~An Ethan Dolan Imagine

Can you make an imagine where you’re dating Ethan and you’re like half way across the country in ur state and see the sister squad and the whole Emma and Ethan thing; and you end up like unintentionally ignoring Ethan and everyone because you’re like hurt?? And confused?? And mad?? And all of a sudden he like gets fed up and just comes to see u and and it’s all angsty

Don’t know if you taking writing ideas but I just thought of one: Y/N, Grayson, Ethan, and Emma go back to Jersey. Everyone is loving Y/N and Ethan feels like no one is like Emma. It causes a lot of problems between Ethan and Grayson bc Ethan is rude toward Y/N bc he feels it is her fault on my no one seems to like Emma. In the end, Ethan and Y/N talk everything out. Thanks! Your writing is like flawless! ❤️

A/N: Thank you to the two people who sent in these requests. It was going to be really hard to make two separate storylines so I combined them! Long distance sucks, my best friend lives 11 hours away from me and I only see him a couple times a year. This one isn’t my favorite but it matches the requests. I hope you guys like it! 

Warnings: Angst, fluff, cursing, nothing major

Word Count: 4,454

 I sat in my apartment in my home state. I was miles upon miles from my boyfriend, Ethan Dolan. We had been together a year, but the fans didn’t know. I wasn’t famous, Ethan didn’t want me to get hate because it was a long-distance relationship only making it worse. I hadn’t seen him in three months. Every time they go home to New Jersey I have a big test, so I can never go. I adore his family. I miss him more than anything. I love him I do but distance is so hard. They travel so often it makes it even harder. He does treat me so well. We call, text, snapchat, and FaceTime all of the time. He sends me things to my apartment just because he misses me but with school there’s just never a good time for us to see each other. I decided that I would Facetime him. “Facetiming Turtle Man”. It then stopped ringing meaning he declined it. Soon enough, my phone dinged with a text from him. “Filming a vid with Emma, Gray, and James. I’ll call you later, baby. Love you” it read. Emma, imagine that. No wonder everyone is shipping them. My thoughts made me that I shouldn’t respond.

 A couple of hours later I looked at my phone with two missed calls from Ethan. I had decided to take a relaxing bath and left my phone on the counter. I thought about calling him back, but I was tired. I knew that us talking would only end in a fight or with me crying, probably both. I decided it was best to just go to bed and I did just that. I threw on some sweats and one of Ethan’s shirts that I had even though it had lost his scent months ago. The next morning, I woke up at 8:02 and my first class is at 8:30. It was also a 15-minute walk from my apartment to my class. I threw my hair in a bun, kept the clothes on I wore to bed, brushed my teeth, then left. I got to my class with three minutes to spare. I decided to check my phone. Three missed calls from Grayson and 12 from Ethan. As well as four texts from Grayson and 21 texts from Ethan. Unfortunately, I had no service in this building so responding was not an option and to make it worse this class is three hours long. I guess they will just have to wait.

 Ethan’s POV (Last Night after filming)

“Has Y/N responded to you?” I asked Grayson. “No, you?” he asked. “No, and it worries me” I admitted. “She might have fallen asleep, E. You know she has her 8:30 tomorrow” he reminded me. “You’re right, I just worry, and I miss her” I sulked. “I know you do, dude,” he said patting my back. “What if she is mad at me? I don’t know what I did” I told him. “Maybe it’s not something you did but who you are with” he suggested. “Grayson, you are my brother why would she be mad at that,” I asked him with a tude. “Not me, you fucking idiot. Emma” he said. “Why would she be jealous of Emma?” I asked. “Let’s see it’s a female who sees you way more than she does. All of the fans ship you and Emma with that ugly ass ship name because they don’t know about you and Y/N, not to mention you guys are kind of flirty in our videos” he explained. “That’s just how we are, it’s not serious. I love Y/N, not Emma” I told him. “Ethan, I know that. I have to listen to you complain about it every day, but she doesn’t see you, every day. It’s hard for her too, E” he told me. “I don’t know what to do Gray” I admitted. “She’s probably just asleep. If she doesn’t respond before class tomorrow, then you can worry” he negotiated, and I nodded. “I’m going to go play Fortnite and hope I can clear these thoughts up,” I told Grayson as I headed to my room. I started my game and before I knew it the clock read 4:13 am. I decided to get into bed and try to get some sleep. I tossed and turned for hours. It’s now 8 am and I didn’t sleep a wink. I got up and walked across the house. I found Grayson working out, imagine that. “Gray she never responded to me,” I said. “Me either but why are you out of bed before noon?” he questioned. “Is it out of bed if I never fell asleep?” I asked. “E” he sighed. “My mind wouldn’t shut off, Gray. I can’t lose her. I love her” I said pulling my hair through my fingers. “Go pack. I’m going to book you a flight while you pack. Go see her. The video for Tuesday is almost done and I can finish it. We can do something in New Jersey for next Tuesday. You just go get your girl, alright?” he said. God, I love this kid. “Thanks, Gray,” I said hugging him. “You’re welcome. I am the best twin ever, now go” he demanded. I went upstairs and packed. It was pretty last minute but if I forgot anything I could have Grayson bring it to New Jersey. I walked back downstairs around 8:45. “Ok, you have a flight at 10. I have printed off all of your information. If I were you I would have Y/N come to New Jersey with us for Thanksgiving later this week. You guys can meet Emma and me there” he explained. Emma was coming to New Jersey because her parents decided on a   last-minute vacation but didn’t ask her to join so she didn’t have anywhere to go for Thanksgiving, so Grayson and I invited her to come to New Jersey with us. I ate a quick bowl of cereal then had Grayson drive me to the airport. We got to LAX about 10 minutes before my plane boarded. I got to my gate as soon as boarding started. I got on the plane and before I knew it I was in the air. I was so ready to surprise her. I need it. She needs it. We need it.

Before I knew it, we had made it to the next airport. I got off and headed straight to Y/N’s house. I had her address from sending her things in the mail. I went straight there hoping that she was home. I knocked but no one ever came. I decided that I would do what any good boyfriend would do. I would wait, at her doorstep for her to arrive.

 Y/N’s POV

I decided to steal some of the school’s WiFi before I go back to my apartment. I went to the library grabbed one of the study cubicles and got to work. I had one last test before Thanksgiving break and then I was done. I was pretty confident, but it couldn’t hurt to refresh myself. I stayed in the cubicle for a couple hours just to ensure a good grade on this test. I packed up my things then took the 15-minute walk back to my apartment. I made my way up to my apartment where I saw a figure standing in front of a door. They must be waiting for maintenance, I thought. I kept walking until I realized the figure was in front of my apartment and he looked familiar. He looked like Ethan. I realized I never responded to any of them. I should do that when I get settled in. The closer I got the more I realized it was Ethan. “Ethan?” I asked. “Y/N!” he exclaimed while jumping up. We ran to each other. I dropped my backpack not caring about my laptop. I ran as fast as my feet would take me. It felt like it took forever but soon enough I was engulfed in his arms again. I buried my head into his chest. I took a deep breath trying to take everything in. Then I began crying. I pulled away from him and wiped my tears away. “Why are you crying, babe?” he asked. “I missed you so much and I am so glad you’re here” I explained. “Well, I’m here now, alright? No more tears” he said kissing my forehead. I unlocked my door then took us inside. My apartment was filled with pictures of Ethan and I. “I’m everywhere” he said. “Hey, it’s both of us and there’s some of Grayson too but when I don’t get the real thing I have to make do” I shrugged. “I know this is hard for you, it’s hard for me too” he sighed. “E?” I asked. “Yes, baby?” he said. “Why are you here?” I asked. “Well you wouldn’t answer Grayson or me, so I knew something was up. Even if you were mad at me you would respond to Grayson, at least. I was so scared something happened to you that I had to be here. Grayson found me a flight while I packed my stuff up then the next thing I knew, I was here” he explained. “I’m sorry for worrying you. After you declined my FaceTime I got upset so I took a bath then went to bed. Then I woke up late this morning, so I didn’t have time to respond before class then the building I was at didn’t have service. Then I went to the library and zoned out. I’m fine E. I didn’t mean to scare you” I sighed. “Why were you upset?” he asked. “I just missed you,” I said. “It’s more than that. You’re looking away from me which means you’re hiding something” he noticed. Damn, why did he know me so well?  I stayed silent. “It’s Emma isn’t it?” he asked, and I nodded. “Grayson was right” he sighed. “What did Grayson say?” I asked. “He said that you might be jealous of Emma because she is with me a lot and we’re friends. That there are fans shipping her and I because they don’t know about us” he said. “And you guys get awful friendly in your collabs” I mentioned. His eyes dropped, and I prepared for the worst. He had cheated.  “Y/N, baby girl, sweetheart, pumpkin, my princess. I know you are thinking the worst. You are thinking that I cheated on you but I didn’t. I would never. Emma and I are seriously just friends. You know my personality and that I’m very goofy which could be mistaken as flirty. I do not love Emma, I do not even look at Emma that way. There is only one girl I look at with all the love in my heart and that’s you” he said pulling his phone out. “Ethan, what are you doing?” I asked. “You’ll see” he smirked. A few seconds later my phone dinged. It was a notification: Ethan Dolan tagged you in a post. I shot him a look. What was he up to? I opened the app and saw a picture of Ethan and I from a few months ago. There was kind of a long caption. “Just an update on my life for you guys. Emma and I are NOT together. I am with this beautiful girl right here. Her name is Y/N and I love her with everything that I am. Not many people know that we have been together for the past year. She isn’t famous, and I was worried she wouldn’t be able to handle the hate so please treat my girl well, she has my heart. Don’t be the reason she breaks it”  

“Ethan” I smiled as tears filled my eyes. “I love you so much. I know I didn’t ask, and I just did it, but it was the only way I could prove how much I loved you” he said pulling me into him. “You’re so extra babe” I giggled. “Can we snuggle for a little bit?” he asked, and I nodded. As we laid there I began to think. “E how long are you staying?” I asked. “Well it’s Monday and Thanksgiving is Thursday. My family’s Thanksgiving is Thursday at 4 which I really want you to come. I’ll buy your ticket, I just want you there. They miss you” he admits. “You don’t have to ask me twice. I see my family all the time” I giggled. “Oh, um I should probably tell you this” he started. “Tell me what?” I asked getting upset. “So, Grayson and I felt bad. You know how soft we are, Y/N even if we don’t act like. You can’t leave someone alone on Thanksgiving, right?” he smiled trying to guilt trip me. “E, what did you guys do?” I asked. “WeinvitedEmmatoNewJerseybecauseshedidn’thaveanywhereelsetogo” he said all in one breath. “So Emma is going to be at your family Thanksgiving?” I asked. “Um, yes?” he said unsure of what my reaction would be. “Good, I can tell her to stay the fuck off my man,” I said. “Babe, she’s not after me” he pleaded. “Bullshit E. Open your eyes when you watch your videos. She is all over you! Not Grayson but you! She knows about me, right?” I asked. “Well of course. I talk about you all of the time, ask Gray” he said. “She clearly doesn’t get the hint then, Ethan” I scowled. “Babe, we only get to see each other for a few days let’s not spend it arguing” he pleaded. “E, I don’t want to fight but I haven’t seen you in months, then there’s some YouTuber I have never met all of over you, your fans ship you guys together like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. How am I supposed to feel?” I asked with tears pricking my eyes. “Y/N, don’t cry. We both know I can’t handle your tears, babe” he says softly. “I don’t know if I can do this anymore, E” I admitted even if I didn’t want to. “Y/N, I just told everyone, don’t say that” he begged. “Ethan, I have seen you maybe four or five weeks of the over 52 we have been together. This destroys me. I miss you more every day. I watch your videos to support you and Gray, obviously but so I can hear your voice and your laugh so I can see you smile. Yes, we talk all the time but college is so much plus having a famous boyfriend who lives states away. I can’t keep doing this, E. I love you, this has nothing to do with the fact that I don’t love you. I love you more than anything but loving you is killing me” I sobbed as my head fell into his chest. “Move in with Grayson and me” he suggested. “Ethan that’s crazy,” I said looking up from his chest with tear-stained cheeks. “I cannot let you go. You have made me a better person, Y/N. Not to mention, I love you. Everything I said in that Instagram post was true. You have my heart; baby girl and I can’t be without you anymore. A year is long enough” he explained. “Ethan, what about school, my family, my friends, but again most importantly school?” I asked. “UCLA?” he said in a duh tone. “I won’t get into UCLA” I shot back. “Actually, I already applied for you because I was going to ask if you wanted to move in with Gray and I after Christmas?” he smiled trying to read my reaction. “Did I get in?” I asked worriedly. “OF COURSE, YOU GOT IN. YOU ARE THE SMARTEST GIRL I KNOW” he exclaimed. “I’m mad at you” I whispered. “For what?” he asked. “Going behind my back and applying at UCLA” I explained. “Well, you should be mad at your mom too because she was the one who suggested it and told me all the information I needed that I didn’t have” he admitted. “You went through all of that just, so we could be together?” I asked, and he nodded. “Ethan Grant, you are an idiot and you’re sneaky, but I don’t know what I’d do without you” I smiled. “My parents are ok with me transferring?” I asked him. “They told me that they trust me to take care of you and that you’ll be much happier being with me then stuck here” he explained, and he was right. “Are you going to move in with us?” he asked. “I don’t know, E. It’s a lot all at once” I answered. “Take your time. You have a couple weeks before anything needs decided” he told me as I snuggled into his chest. If I wanted to be happy I knew that LA with him and Gray would be the best thing. He’s everything to me but what if we break up. I’ll have to move back home and that’s scary too. I love him, but I’m scared.

 It’s Wednesday afternoon and we’re flying to New Jersey. These past couples of days with Ethan have been so nice. I only had one class yesterday and once I was done with my test I could leave. I was back before Ethan even got up for the day. Grayson and Emma’s flight got in 10 minutes after Ethan and I’s did so we decided to wait for them. We could hear Y/Ship/N being chanted but we just decided to ignore it waiting for Gray and Emma. Soon enough their plane landed, and we were met with Grayson’s big smile and Emma being Emma. “Hey, Y/N. How are you?” Gray asked wrapping me in a hug. “Good, how was your flight?” I asked. “Not bad” he smiled then I looked at Emma. “Y/N, this is Emma. Emma, this is Y/N” Grayson said while Ethan stood there awkwardly. “Hey, E has told me a lot about you,” Emma said, and I smiled. “Yeah, you too” I lied not wanting to make her feel bad. We started walking out the airport hearing. “Why is Emma here?” “Is Emma dating Grayson then?” “Gremma” “Ethma” “Y/Ship/Name” then the farther we got the worse it got. “Emma shouldn’t even be here. Flirting with Ethan when he has a girlfriend” “Boo Emma” “Emma should go back to LA” “No one likes Emma” “Fuck you, Emma”

I looked at Ethan and he was angry. His jaw was clenched, and his eyes were narrowed. I squeezed his hand trying to make him feel better, but it didn’t work. Shortly after hearing more mean things he let go of my hand and stormed in front of us. I just let him go. I waited for Emma and Grayson to catch up so I could walk with them. “Why aren’t you walking with Ethan?” he asked. “That’s a good question” I answered. “What happened?” Emma asked. “I think he got mad at all of the fans being mean to Emma. I squeezed hand trying to get him to calm down, but he just got mad and stormed off” I explained. “He’s such an ass sometimes” Grayson muttered.

We walked to the waiting area by the door, waiting for Lisa and Sean to pick us up. Ethan was outside in the cold. “E, wait inside with us” I yelled and he ignored me. “Whatever, freeze. See if I care” I yelled staying inside with Gray and Emma. “I’m sorry, he’s being like this” Grayson apologized. “it’s fine, he will get over it,” I said. “I don’t know why he is so upset. I get hate all the time, this is mild” Emma explained. “It’s Ethan, who knows” I mumbled. “My parents just pulled up,” Gray said. We put our stuff in the trunk as Ethan had already put his things up then got in the car. “I’ll sit in the back with Gray” I said and they both nodded. The whole ride back to the Dolan’s was damn near silent other than the few questions Lisa and Sean asked us. Ethan never answering any of them. Ethan shot out of the car and headed up to his room. “What’s wrong with your brother, Gray?” Lisa asked. “Honestly, I don’t know” he answered. “Y/N, do you know?” Sean asked. “Not really. Shortly after we got to the airport he got into this mood” I said, and they nodded not asking any further. I put my things in Ethan’s room. He was sat on his bed and his back to the door. I dropped my stuff off and headed back downstairs letting him make his own decisions. “He still being a pain?” Emma asked. “Yeah, he will calm down eventually. Tomorrow’s Thanksgiving, he will talk eventually about what’s bothering him” I explained.

Emma, Grayson, and I sat watching Christmas movies. We were watching Home Alone. We had already watched Elf and The Grinch. Ethan came downstairs to get a drink and didn’t say anything to anyone. He went back up to his room. “What is his deal?” Grayson asked. “I don’t know” I muttered not pushing it. “I’ll go talk to him,” Grayson said getting up from the couch and pausing the movie.

 Grayson’s POV Sometimes Ethan confuses the hell out of me. This being one of those times. I barge into his room not caring that I didn’t knock. “You could knock” he scoffed. “You could not be a dick,” I said back. “Your girlfriend is hanging out with Emma and me because you are ignoring her. For what reason Ethan? What has got you so pissed off you are ignoring everyone when it’s the day before Thanksgiving? Shouldn’t you be I don’t know, THANKFUL” I yelled at him. “Y/N is making everyone hate Emma. Look at twitter everyone is telling Emma she’s ugly and to leave us alone because they know I’m with Y/N. It’s not fair” he said. “Ok, so you are pissed at the fans but taking it out on Y/N. Do you realize how fucking stupid you sound?” I asked. “She was the one that was jealous of Emma” he shot back. “Ethan, you fucking idiot. She is your girlfriend and barely gets to see you where Emma sees you all the time. I would be jealous too” I explained to him. “I see you all of the time and she isn’t mad about you” he sassed. “I am your brother, your TWIN brother so there’s no way I am going to be able to take you from Y/N. We share our time with you, it’s different, Ethan. And if you’re too ignorant to figure that out maybe you should break up with Y/N and be with Emma if that’s what you want” I yelled. “No, it’s not. I love Y/N, but I care about Emma. I don’t want her getting hate because of Y/N and I being together. It’s not fair to Emma” he said. “Ok well, it’s not fair to any of us when you ignore us when you are mad at the fans. Tweet something and tell them to be nice to Y/N and Emma. It’s not that hard, E. You are just so damn stubborn that you don’t think about things” I said, and he sighed knowing he had fucked up. “I’m going downstairs and sending Y/N up here. You better apologize, you asshole” I said. “I will, thanks Gray,” he said. I walked to the living room and looked at Y/N. “I calmed him down, go to talk to him,” I said, and she nodded.

Y/N’s POV

I walked into Ethan’s room slowly. “I’m sorry” he started. ‘I was mad at you when I should be mad at myself. I was the one who hid you from the fans for so long now they are mad not only that I hid it but because I’m not with Emma. I blamed you for everyone being mean to Emma when it’s my fault. I guess because we argued about Emma and I’s friendship that it was an easy way to escape my guilt. I’m so sorry for being a stubborn asshole. I’m going to tweet and clear everything up. I hope you still love me” he apologized keeping his head down scared to look at me. “I do still love you Ethan, but you need to talk to me instead of getting mad about things. I don’t want people being mean to Emma, either. If you weren’t up here wallowing in self-pity you would see that I don’t really mind her” I explained to him. “I’m so sorry that I ruined Thanksgiving” he sighed pulling his hands through his hair. I grabbed his cheeks making him look at me. “You didn’t ruin anything, E. Now clear things up and you can join the rest of us downstairs,” I said kissing his forehead and running my hand through his hair. He grabbed his phone and opened the Twitter app. He tweeted, “Hey guys. We saw some of you at the airport. A lot of you had nice things to say and some didn’t. I know you are upset that I didn’t tell you about Y/N sooner. I had a good reason for that. Therefore, a lot of you thought I was with Emma. I’m sorry for the confusion. Emma is one of my best friends and Y/N is my girlfriend. I love and care for both of them in different ways so please don’t send hate to either of them. Thanks. -E”

“There hopefully things get better” he smiled. “You tried, E and that’s all that matters,” I said. “I do love you, Y/N. I don’t want Emma. I want you and I still want you to come to LA” he admitted. “I love you too, E” I smirked while leaning into his lips. Smiling into it I kiss him. Before I knew it, he had flipped us onto the bed. “Ethan” I yelled while he flipped us over.  I was lying on my back and he was hovering over me. “Are you going to move to LA and live with Gray and me?” he asked wanting an answer. “Yes, E. I’ll move to LA with you and Gray as long as you get off of me, so we can downstairs,” I said. “Fuck yeah,” he said jumping up. “You’re an idiot” I giggled. “But I’m your idiot” he winked. “Yes, I suppose you are,” I said as I shook my head as we headed back to the living room. Ethan Grant Dolan, you are an idiot, you are the most stubborn person I have ever met, but you complete me.

[shadowdianne]

The mysterious grey blob returns with yet another prompt. Should you choose to accept this challenge, it must be completed AFTER A GOOD NIGHT'S REST. Ahem. Five words: Narcissa teaches Hermione about art. Go nuts-- provided you have slept.

Hello blob. (Tagging your creator since tumblr is not the best at letting people know their ask has been answered: @naralanis) I truly hope you like this approach xD

Also: A03 version

-The description of the National gallery is amix of what I remember from the time I visited London and the few pictures andvids I’ve been able to find. Probably not perfect and one part of my fic writerpersona is crying at but I implore clemency on that.

Also, insert here the usual disclaimer of I’mstill learning to navigate through these characters so apologies for anyOOCness.

PS: Slight mention to another one shot I wrote titled“Halt”. Which, as a jibe to our tumblr situation of not being able to writeyou-know-what I will merely describe it as lemon.

On with the story, shall we?

The museumwas about to close, the echoes of quiet steps from the few people still walkingthrough the maze of mixed big chambers and quiet corners a barely-there soundthat Hermione didn’t truly pay attention at as she walked briskly to one of thesmaller rooms; the lavender hue in where the walls were painted framing thepaintings she passed by a blurr, the golden frames that supported each portraita glimmer as she craned her neck; trying to find the blonde witch she had regrettablyleft behind a few minutes ago.

She foundher staring at one small portrait, back facing her and hands grasping the longsleeves of the blouse she wore; perhaps just slightly closer to the wizardingworld’s fashion than the muggle one but simple enough to not truly stand out inthe middle of the Gallery. Smiling despise the slight soreness on her calvesafter wandering for so long inside the museum, the brunette witch approachedthe older woman, tilting her head just enough so she could get a glimpse ofNarcissa’s profile; on the easy, yet small and soft, smile that curved herlips. Lips the brunette looked at for what felt the hundredth time ever sincethe woman had apparated inside her home a few hours ago; the shade of faded byobvious red the only thing she could truly focus on.

UntilNarcissa rose the blonde brow she was able to see from her position and turnedtowards her, soft smile turning into an almost teasing one.

“Boredalready?” The question held the same mirth-laced tone her expression conveyed,and Hermione found herself blushing just slightly, the heat on her cheeksrising and then fading as she swallowed, shrugging noncommittally as sheapproached the older witch with less brusque steps.

“I’m notbored.” She protested, but it was a feeble try and both of them knew. It wastruly no secret that art, any form of it, wasn’t exactly something she admired.Not in the same capacity Narcissa obviously did. “I just didn’t think you wouldfind muggle paintings so interesting.”

That, atleast, was partially true. When Narcissa had mentioned the idea of a date likethis Hermione had needed a few seconds to process. Not because she doubtedNarcissa’s capacity to enjoy muggle-made things (that much had been proved theday after her elevator had broken and she had carried her to every other placeshe had been to think off that the blonde witch would enjoy) but because shehad ingrained the notion that every portrait in the wizarding world moved quitedeeply. Watching immobile paintings didn’t seem like something Narcissa Blackwould enjoy.

She obviouslyneeded to re-check her facts because the blonde had been completely enamored byevery other painting they had come across, pointing details Hermione wasn’teven able to focus on before her own mind pushed her to move forwards.Something that, back when she had been a child, had elicited a sigh from herparents more times than she was able to remember as she memorized the shortlines beneath every other portrait before declaring she was already done.

And,despite the years passed, she seemed to still be holding on that habit as,after more than an hour of following Narcissa around she had found herselfwalking quicker between the rooms, paying attention to a few portraits here andthere, glancing at artists, dates and the sparse descriptions before moving tothe next one. Which had led her to finish way quicker than the woman she nowhad in front of her; almost immobile if it wasn’t because of the small knowingglint on her eyes, the trembling of her upper lip.

“But I do.”The older witch finally replied, raising her chin, pointing at the portrait shehad been staring at before Hermione had found her. At some place at their backthe brunette could hear the quiet whispers of a couple walking, probablytowards the same direction she had just come from: The Exit. “Painting… or anyother form of art really is just an interesting form of magic. Whether if thepaintings are imbued with hexes or not.” The addition to her first statement madeHermione blush again, forcing her eyes to focus past Narcissa and the blue andblack palette she had chosen for her clothes that day and gaze the painting onitself.

She wasable to recognize it, of course; the title coming to her just a second beforeher eyes -majorly because of simply muscle memory- fell to the small noteattached to it.

“TheArnolfini portrait.” Her mutter echoed between them, the quiet voices of thecouple lost in the maze once more as Narcissa nodded approvingly, the movementcausing Hermione to glance back at her; curious.

Of all theportraits the National Gallery had she would have never considered this one inparticular would catch the other witch’s attention. She could remember someone-her mother perhaps? - telling her about the complexity of the portrait, thedetails hidden to the naked eye, the use of lighting and colors. Still, thescene presented to the viewer wasn’t really all that majestic if someone wantedher opinion; two people, man and woman, looking directly to them, hands intertwined.

“Goodmemory.” Narcissa’s voice reached her from behind, the brunette realizing toolate that the blonde had approached her, standing closer than before, slightlyto her back. Her tone was but a whisper, the pitch soft and the words caressingher earlobe in the form of soft puffs of air. Despite her automatic try ofmasking her emotions on such a public place Hermione couldn’t help theautomatic pleasurable shiver that run down her spine; the praising getting thebest of her.

“Don’t dothat.” She replied, and she could hear the chuckle from the older woman beforea small nod close to her temple told her that Narcissa would stop the teasing;for now. Sighing, raising her shoulders a little with her eyes focusing oncemore in the portrait, Hermione read the date, the artist and the year theGallery had bought it, her voice sounding much more colder than intended.Wincing a little, not really knowing where to look, how to look, at the portraitthat had obviously entranced Narcissa, she glanced back to the older witch;completely at loss. “Van Eyck.” She repeated, the strong cluster of consonantssounding slightly off, as if her tongue wasn’t exactly rising in the right way,nor with enough force. “Didn’t he paint the Altarpiece? In Ghent?”

Chucklingbut with a warm glint on her blue eyes, Narcissa nodded. “He didn’t do italone.But yes.” She added, pressing her side against Hermione’s just enough forthe brunette to feel her warmth through their clothing. A little trick that itdidn’t matter how many times the blonde told her wasn’t produce of any hex orspell since she was convinced it must be an enchantment, a jinx, a curse even,of any kind. Taking a sharp gulp of air, feeling the scent of lilacs hangingaround the immediate proximity of Narcissa, Hermione tried to focus on theportrait alone, on the objects that cluttered the space behind the couple; themirror, the dog at their feet.

“I’m justnot very good at this.” She admitted, with a dejected sigh but her somberattitude was quickly fixed by the touch of Narcissa’s left hand on her hip,guiding her to the closest spot in front of the portrait without crossing thesmall line marked a few inches away from it.

“You arevery good at picking details.” The blonde said, still close enough for hervoice to caress Hermione’s neck as they both stood in front of the painting,the fact that they had minutes at best before they were asked to leave a fadingmemory in the younger witch’s mind.

“I preferthings that I can quantify.” The Gryffindor replied, and it was true of course;magical laws, arithmancy, transfiguration. All of those skills were easy forher to pick, to use, to understand. Two plus two would always equal four. Art,however, was different; more fleeting, less obvious, and while the brunettecould admit that the portrait felt life-like in a very different way magicportraits looked, she couldn’t truly understand the catch behind it, theimportance that the portrait had.

“Qui desponsari videbantur per fidem" The blonde’s voice sliced throughHermione’s musings and made her rise her brows, curious. Narcissa’s Latin was,obviously, flawless, but the brunette needed a few seconds to translate the phrase,Latin not being exactly something she used all that much if one didn’t countthe spells she used.

“Marryingaccording to the faith?” Her voice rose, not entirely sure if she had pickedthe subtleties of the language. The slight nod from Narcissa, one that made theblonde’s hair brush against her skin, made her hum, curious.

“There aretheories.” The blonde spoke, her hand still at Hermione’s waist, fingersdrawing circles as she spoke, lazy slow caresses that made the brunette biteher bottom lip. “That say that this portrait wasn’t only a portrait but amarrying contract.” Smile widening, Narcissa pointed at the portrait with herfree hand, her fingers at the level of the headdress of the painted woman. “However,a non-married woman -one that is about to be married- wouldn’t have had herhair like that; she would have it down.”

“Oh.”Despite her initial weariness, Hermione couldn’t help herself on feelinginterested by this sudden piece of information, her eyes focusing now on theposition of the hands, on the way the man looked directly at them while thewoman didn’t as much, on how everything was positioned, on the manner the otherhand of the woman had been painted. “So, they were already married when thishappened?”

A chuckleand Narcissa stepping away made her glance at her back, confused.

“That’s themystery.” The blonde replied, a wink on her azure eyes. “Shall we go? I had theimpression you were bored.”

Grumblinggood-naturedly but following the blonde nonetheless, Hermione casted one lastglance to the portrait they were leaving behind, a few pointed glares of someguards the walked past telling them they were cutting it close already.

“I guessart is not as boring as I thought.” She admitted once they finally reached themain hall, glancing at Narcissa as the blonde grazed the back of her hand,clasping it in a far too light touch, letting Hermione being the one whorotated the wrist, so they could intertwin their fingers together.

“I can always try to paint you. See if thatmakes it more interesting to you.” Narcissa’s salacious remark elicited yetanother blush in who knew how many minutes. One the brunette was quick to respondwith a light yet quick slap on the blonde’s forearm.

“I knew weshouldn’t have watched Titanic.”

Narcissarolled her eyes good-naturedly before grasping Hermione’s offending handbetween her own, a quick kiss on the brunette’s knuckles buying her time asthey, finally, walked outside the Gallery, the quickly losing light creatinglong shadows around them both as lamps blinked; pools of light deterring theblobs of black.

“I didn’tsay I planned on painting you naked.” The blonde’s chuckled, a little more airily.“But if that’s your wish…”

“Cissy!”

[in-the-gardens-of-inspiration]

Yo, so let me preface this: I used to watch the 2003 4kids TMNT when I was a kiddo, and I've also been watching TMNT2012, and I'm also pretty hype about Rise tbh, but it got me thinking about the weird rabbit-holey SI/reader being in a relationship with one or more or all of the bros- and like, made me think back to the one I wrote a few years back when I was sick. It also made me think of Raphael having the Hebrew version of his name instead of the Latin/Italian version, Raffaello, and of course because Angelology is its own dark rabbit hole of research, yeah, I was thinking about the archangels, the Hamato brothers and a SI/OFC. Also a bible-thumping, born-again bus seat neighbour.

Then I decided, I have to write this glorious mess.

(It's for 2012, 'cause I'm most familiar with that incarnation atm)

__

There's something crappily unlucky about getting stuck in New York City after 10:30 in what many, if not most people consider the bad part of town.

It was a reprieve at first, honestly, but after the first 10 minutes, it just was such a drag.

Want to know what happened? Well, the Greyhound broke down, and the driver couldn't fix it, so he called another bus to pick his passengers up, which would be coming. Eventually. Some time after 11:30. Wonderful.

Great. Well, I wasn't beside a born-again Christian Evangelist Bible-thumper trying to shove her brand of religion down my throat, so plus.

On the flipside, minus: I don't know NYC, like at all, I was daytripping. So I wandered off because I was rather sick of my benchmate, the Bible-thumper, and, haha, of course, got lost.

Now I've heard some shit about the Big Apple recently, and like, it's wacky. Ninjas? Aliens? Oh get real. That's a movie publicity stunt.

But ho boy, was I wrong.

So while I was wandering, trying to find my way back to the bus shelter, I hear footsteps approaching me, and like these suited Pod-people clones with these gnarly laser rifles are following me. My eyes go wide, 'cause holy shit, this is either a ballsy as fuck publicity stunt or I'm about to get murdered or worse by these plug fugly clone rejects, and to be honest, either choice sounds kinda shitty.

So I'm there, speed walking the FUCK outta there, when I hear whooping, jeering and clanking metal, I turn, lo and behold: ... Uh turtles...?

I blinked a couple times, nope. Not a stress-induced hallucination, okay, that's good? Yeah, a quick pinch to the arm also verified it wasn't a dream, because oww... And uh, my stare was being returned, and I barely withheld a squeak of startlement, with a no-doubt awkward look I gave my rescuers a smile-and-wave combo. And immediately regretted it.

Between one blink and the next the turtly-shaped anomalies, there were four of them, all around 5-ish feet tall. All sorta staring- like what happens when you stare too long at the abyss, it stares back.

"Um, hi..?" Mouth engaged before brain rebooted, great start. "Thanks for saving me from those creeps..." I think I nervous blabber, that's gotta be the only reason I'm still talkin'. "My name's Daphne, you, uh, fine fellas see a bus shelter 'round here? Think I got a little turned around.." Finally, my mouth ran out of words to spew out, and I was left to get a closer look at my rescuers. I mean, outside of 5-ish foot tall turtles.

Decked out in domino mask-like bandanas, the quartet made for a fairly imposing image, weapons adorning them and blank eyes. Fairly imposing at least until the shortest one, in the orange, spoke, baby blue eyes glittering at me. My mental image of my knights in tortoiseshell armour tarnished a bit,. "Whoa, bros, she's kinda pretty."

She's also right here, I snorted, taken aback, god he sounded like a teen- oh shit, could he actually be a teen? Huh, that's not something ya see everyday, teenage ninja mutant turtles.

The one with the red bandana smacked the one that had spoken upside the head. "Why don't you think before you speak?!" ... Okaay, that's, uh, new.

He spoke again, absolutely unfazed by the whimpering, teary-eyed stare he was receiving, "Bus shelters about five blocks that way." And he pointed in the direction I'd come from, ah nuts, I'm probably getting more lost in the seedy part of an already dangerous city, great. I smile at them a bit wanly, "NYC's got my internal compass a little on the buggered side, but eh, thanks for the directions." I move to push past them, when a blast of pink energy from a nearby alley slams into the pavement in front of me, and I leap back with a choked off curse.

The one in blue grimaces, and barks out, "Let's take care of these pests first, Mikey, Don, can you cover for..?" I'm assuming he's the leader, but it still startles me a bit when he looks at me amidst the blaster fire. Holy shit, my day's just become an episode of a comedy sci-fi anime.

So Blue told Orange, 'Mikey', and Purple, 'Don', to cover me, the civilian liability, yeah, fair, but I was planning on booking it back in the ensuing chaos, nuts. Right, he asked my name again, "Daphne."

"Sure thing Leo!" Next thing I know after Orange chirps that is the sound of a facepalm, ah, that sweet sound of exasperation. I see Blue grit his teeth, and Red poorly hold back a bark of laughter. Ah, I assume they were going for subtle and mysterious. They failed. Oh well.

I fished my phone from my hoodie pocket, 11 pm, oh good. I had time. I put my phone back and sat crosslegged on the ground, and propped my head up. Makes both less and more of a target, I'd wager, plus with all this cloak and dagger, haha, ninja b/s maybe I'll make my bus before they drive off and I have to find a hostel or something.

Again I find my mouth running off before my brain can process, "So... Come here often?" Of course I had to imbue as much sarcasm as I could, raising my voice so all four could hear me- probably not my best call, but I was tired and getting quite cranky. All but Blue were at least amused, Blue, eh, ya can't win 'em all. "So, eh, what are these pod people supposed to be anyway? Rejected robot clone Men In Black?"

I flinch as a silver robot with a smirking brain goes to reach for me, but man am I glad I took a a few years of various martial arts. With a spot of grace, and it beint close enough to use it's brain as a spring board, I do a back roll, and end up knocking into Purple on the get up. "Sorry man, didn't mean to, ugly over there caught me by surprise." He turns to see where I rolled from, and spots a KO'd 'droidy bastard. "That'd be ugly then?" Giving him a cheeky smirk, I humm, "Mmhm, that's him, warts and all!" I stretch, mutterjng to myself as I do, "Ah man, it's been a bit since I've done that..." The four of them by this point have have taken care of the robo-menaces, and Blue still looks extraordinarily unimpressed. Almost like what happened was my fault.

"What are you even doing out here so late? Most people aren't." My eye twitched, yeah, that was equal parts tiredness and irritation, "Like I said, New York buggers with my internal compass and I got turned around. I don't want to be a target for less-than-savoury people, so I learned a helpful tip, called look like you know what you're doing. I'm pretty fucking lost right know, so some help would be much appreciated. If you want incentive, I've got some artisan dark chocolate, and some low-sweetness white chocolate, that ok?"

Eventually, after 10 minutes of bickering, a bar of white chocolate lighter, I was able to get an 'escort'. Red who I found out was properly called Raphael, who was equal parts volunteered and voluntold to make sure I was able to see the bus shelter before buggering off. As I walked the last couple of blocks, an errant thought popped into my head. Raphael was classically an Archangel. There were classically, at least in bare-bones Christianity, four of them. Micheal, Gabriel, Raphael and Uriel. That- oh boy, did that give me an idea if that lady was gonna try and make me change my beliefs and spirituality.

Plot twist, or maybe not, my favourite person in the world decided to sit rihht beside me. Again. For the long ride homewards. I think she took my silence as license to gab. Oh joy.

Putting on my most awed, touched by God face, from the shadows of my hood, and the most dreamy voice I can manage I put my plan into being.

I flip my hood down, and turn to face her a little bit more, "You know," I cut her off mid-I'll-be-damned-if-I-don't-convert speech, "I think I was visited by the Archangels, you see, I got a little turned around, and I think they guided me back safely." She was gaping like a fish, "One of them even spoke to me," I continued blithely, "He introduced himself as Raphael. That's after they scared off a group of muggers." She looked like I slapped her with a particularly slimy fish, "I-I, bwuh?" Eloquent, lady, very eloquent. "They were so kind and helpful, I can't believe they appeared to this sinful daughter..." After a beat or two, "Miss are you okay?" The fanatical lady was still a bit BSoD, which was a-ok by me, so I flipped my hood back up, and went back to trying to sleep.

I didn't think much of the whole incident for a while, until my friend flipped me a vid of a radical upstate New York lady losing her shit upon being interviewed by a televangelist. I wanted to laugh, I wanted to cry. She was talking about me.

Not quite in so many words, of course, since she wasn't there for what actually happened, but she flipped out when the 'pastor' questioned the validity of her, by extension, my story, through my phone speakers I could hear the question being asked, 'how do you know she was sober?' and the lady just loosing it. I wheezed. What?

[mad-ncity]

Boy Next Door | Ten

I saw a vid of him singing and got some major boy next door feels

You and ten have been next door neighbors since yall were little

And it was great that youre neighbors because yall are best friends

When you guys were little you two would sit at your windows and write on paper to talk to each other

It eventually evolved into email and then to texting

But it was a nightly ritual you two wouldnt trade for the world

Yall always had a great time together

When you guys were 8, you two both went through a “go hard go home” soccer phase

At 14 you guys went to the zoo a lot because suddenly you guys wanted to be zoologists

Ten even took a picture with a tiger

But at 16 Ten found something he loved

Dancing

It became his passion

He tried to teach you

But you couldnt keep up

He eventually auditioned for an entertainment company in korea

And when he got accepted into it, it broke your heart

But you had to be happy for him

I mean, this was his dream!

And what kind of friend would you be if you didnt support it?

So he left

But dont fret

He didnt leave you with nothing

At the airport, before he boarded, he turned to you

“Y/n i promise to come back so please wait”

He took out one of his earrings and put it in your hand

“Please dont forget about me”

“I promise ten”

And you guys hugged each other and pulled away, you two still holding hands

“Now lets not make this so sad Ten! We will definitely see each other again!”

Youre smiling but your heart is breaking

‘Dont cry’

'You can do this’

Those thoughts were going through your head

Ten returns a melancholic smile

“Yeah…this is a see you later”

He then let go of your hand…and he was off

Your guys texted and called each other for a while

But that soon eventually fell out

Texts became shorter

Calls less frequent

What once was a daily thing is now every few months

Until you two stop communicating all together

A couple years go by and still nothing from him

You do, however, keep up with his entertainment company

Apparently hes a rookie known for his amazing dancing

Which doesnt suprise you

You knew he was gifted

A little while later, he debuted as an idol

And you fully suppoted him!!

You bought his song and jammed all the time to it

Life seemed to be treating him well

But what about you?

Its been years since you guys have seen each other

And all you have of him is the earring he gave you

You never take it off

It almost feels taboo to do so

At first you didnt know why you felt so attached to the earring

You thought it was just about you missing your best friend

But you soon realized it was more than that

The way you acted all those year ago when youre heart hurt when he left

You loved him

But it was too late

Its been years since youve had any contact with him

Does he even remember you?

The day he came back, it was a surprise to you

It was just any other Saturday

Or so you thought

You spent the day curled up in bed in the sheets watching netflix

When suddenly there was a knock at your door

You ignored it

Probably just a sales person

Not worth it

But the knocking continued for a solid 5 minutes

Maybe it was actually someone

You got kind of decent to open the door

“Hel-”

You stopped mid sentence when you saw who was at the door

“Hey y/n!! Its been a while hasnt it”

You didnt know what to say

You looked at him

He was really here

Ten

After a few years of being apart he finally makes his reappearance

“Y/n..you know who i am righ-”

You lunge at him and give him a hug

“Youre finally back you dummy”

He returns the hug

“Honestly y/n i was afraid youd forgotten me when you answered the door”

“I made a promise and i intend to keep it Ten. You havent left my mind since the day you left”

He just stares at you for a moment

Then all of the sudden, you guys are closing in on each other

And you kiss

Sometimes words dont need to be said about how people feel about each other

You just know that you two are meant to be

And thats exactly how the both of you felt

“Oh yeah y/n before i forget to say this, i busted my knee in korea”

“yoU WHAT”

[snapitseventeen]

best friends to lovers!woozi

I’m suffering real post concert depression right now and overwhelming love for my boy lee jihoon

alright let’s be real

jihoon’s a v shy person

and he also has no time for socializing and making new friends bc svt’s real busy

and he also produces and practices like 24/7

actually when does this boy sleep???

but alright let’s get to it

you and jihoon have known each other your whole lives

your parents and his parents both are high school sweethearts and best friends so of course they planned to get knocked up the same time and have kids the same time

t o tally norm i mean i would

he was born first so he automatically has the ‘seniority’ card my ass it was 2 weeks

there hasn’t been a day that you haven’t spent with him

of course i mean until he goes to seoul

b ut im just getting started so not yet

it was natural for you two to become friends honestly

everyone knew you were inseparable

you lived next to each other so when one of you woke up, you ran outside next door to wake the other ass up

usually u waking him up bc he’s a rock my head rock my head ok bye

you guys went through everything together

first fight

first grounding

first period if you’re a girl

first detention

first time you made one another cry

first family vacation

that one time jihoon beat up the dude who bullied you at 7????

and then he got accepted to be a trainee at pledis

you were devastated as fuck!!!!!

you two almost parted ways in bad terms

when he found out, you were the first one he told bc hello best friend!

you were honestly at shock like you knew he was talented and loved music like hell he sang and played for you all the time

but lowkey although you supported him 10000%, you never thought he would actually get in!

so your congrats was just sorta like “y-yay?”

jihoon was so disappointed at your reaction like he thought you would be screaming and bouncing off the walls like usual

so our bub got a bit sad and then you noticed and was like

“n o no noooonooo jihoon I’m so happy for you!!! you gOT IN YAY!!”

and then he did that eye smile and your insides just melted thank you

so you were helping him pack but you felt just like empty a bit??

like it didn’t hit you yet that your best friend of forever was leaving you and home for god knows how long

and so you just blurted it out one night like a few days before he was leaving

you two were playing video games when you put down the controller like “don’t go.”

jihoon was like “what????”

“to seoul, don’t go.”

he was flabbergasted like ????

and then you just started pulling things out of your ass

“what are the chances of you actually pulling this off???”

“jihoon this is dumb”

“just stay here”

oh and then this one triggered him

“what if you’re not good enough”

hiS FACE GOT SO COLD, he never looked at you that way before you were honestly a bit scared

he started yelling at you about his dreams and how you were supposed to support him and how he felt so betrayed and then

“you’re not my best friend. get out.”

and that’s how you ran out crying back to your house

you didn’t talk to him the next day, you actually couldn’t face him

but the day after that he was leaving and as much as you were scared to see him, you couldn’t let him leave without saying goodbye so you woke up and ran to his house in your pjs to see him eating breakfast with his parents

“oh y/n, jihoon was about to see you” his mom said with a smile

“make up already, we all know you two can’t stay mad at each other for long” his dad said as you and jihoon were walking upstairs to his room

it was quiet at first but then both of you started saying sorry at the same time and you kept talking so just like honestly it was a relief

you ended with a hug and a few tears saying how much you were both going to miss each other and how you’ll text and keep in touch

sadly you couldn’t accompany him to the bus bc you had a school thing so you said goodbye at his house

you guys did keep in touch of course but as the days weeks months and years went on with him not coming back home bc practice you eventually stopped texting and calling each other

you began pursuing your own thing - highkey you were a really talented volleyball player and you were happy your parents were your biggest fans and you actually thought you could do this for a career

when jihoon debuted you were so excited you were keeping tabs on him and his group bc hello you were his best friend!

you literally burst out laughing at his pink hair but you were also like “aw he looks so different nice job puberty”

you sent him a text on his debut day and he responded so fast you were a bit shocked tbh

“CONGRATS JIHOON I SAW YOUR VID ITS SO GOOD I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY MADE THIS SONG ITS SO GOOD I MISS YOU I SUPPORT YOU ALL THE WAY FROM BUSAN I ADORE YOU LOVE UR BEST FRIEND Y/N”

“I MISS YOU TOO YOU ACTUALLY LIKE IT??? THAT MAKES ME FEEL SO MUCH BETTER I GOTTA GO BUT I MISS YOU AGAIN BEST FRIEND :)”

“oh by the way nice pink hair”

“shut up”

you guys didn’t talk to each other again for a while bc hello he’s a hot idol now

bUT THEN YOU FOUND OUT you got accepted to the most competitive volleyball team in seoul so ofc you had to go

the first couple months you were so caught up with practice that you never even thought of texting jihoon

and then he called you one night like

“you’re in seoul??? what the heck man why didn’t you tell me?”

“what how’d you know?”

“one of my members watches volleyball and we were all watching and i saw you and yeah”

and that’s how you ended up setting up a date and time to meet up with jihoon at his dorm with the other 12 members of seventeen????

you were honestly a bit scared like you knew his group, you knew enough about the members to know who all of them were, you actually really liked their music and it still amazes you every time you think your best friend produced this song???? but like whAT IF THEY DON’T LIKE YOU

and then you rang the doorbell dressed sorta nicely like -> (girl / boy)

and this one really tall guy with dyed hair opened the door

“oH YOU MUST BE JIHOON HYUNG’S BEST FRIEND? HE TALKS ABOUT YOU A LOT!! IM MINGYU!”

and then jihoon comes out and tells mingyu to let you in and to stop being annoying and

yOU ALMOST HAD TO DO A DOUBLE TAKE BECAUSE brO

LEE JIHOON

YOUR BEST FRIEND SINCE BIRTH

LOOKS SORTA REALLY FUCKING HOT

and like you saw his pictures from his comeback BUT

him in person WOW and he got taller than you so like ;)))

and likewise he’s like in his head shiT WERE THEY ALWAYS THIS ATTRACTIVE????

but you two greet each other in a big hug and his busan accent came out while talking to you and his members are just like :)))) “we’ve never seen him so hyper :))))”

and so you meet all his members and you guys eat for a bit and honestly you hit it off with them thEY LOVE YOU and when you and jihoon go to his room for some best friend catch up time some of the boys start pouting and whining and it’s really cute but jihoon pulls you towards his room with jeonghan mingyu and cheol and just locks the door

you two talked for the longest time it was like you were back in busan in his bedroom and that made you tear up a bit like you missed him a lot like the first year or two coping without him was absolute hell for you

you were the only person that he felt so easy to talk to like words flowed out endlessly and without that comfort in the beginning he was so lost

sadly you had to go back to your own dorm and so you said goodbye to jihoon and seventeen (not before you got their numbers and snapchats)

you still didn’t see jihoon very often, but you certainly did communicate with him a bit more

every time one of you had a break, you would send a snap and a little “hey loser good luck with adsfgfdj today”

you honestly didn’t know when you began to catch feelings for jihoon and same with him

like the rare times you two hung out together, the first thing you noticed was how good he looked no matter what he was wearing

you just like began noticing every little thing he did

you especially loved seeing him work at his studio or seeing him dance

his body just moved so fluidly??? like he wasn’t in the performance unit or anything but he was so good at dancing!!!

and his seriousness when working at his computer like you were in awe how did you not notice this handsome face since idk your birth?

when he caught you staring at him yOU BLUSHED SO HARD and he did that little smirk like “you okay there?”

you almost smacked him

that night you were in your bed just thinking about him like you were making theories and everything

“alright if he liked me this could honestly be the best thing ever. I know a lot about him and he knows a lot about me okay we grew up together we uSED TO BATHE TOGETHER alright mom and dad love him and hello aunt and uncle basically adopted me already-wait not adopted, that would make him seem like my brother hell no okay so-”

the day you both found out you liked each other was a wild ride

you got hella scolded by your coach bc you kept making mistakes at your game and you were just not having it so you went to their dorm a bit uninvited just like hoping they’d be okay with having your company for a bit bc you needed some lovin

you were literally about to cry and all the boys were like “y/n no!!!”

so they kept trying to make you laugh and that really made you feel better

and then they started being sly with you and jihoon bc you sure as hell know that they know about jihoon’s crush on you

“y/n who’s your favorite member???” jeonghan ha

“oh that’s an easy one!”

jihoon just expecting it to be him

“minghao!”

“yES!”

“what the hell???” jihoon accidentally said out loud

everyone was laughing like hard crore even you

and then baby just left to his room and you’re like ??????

cue seungkwan “u made him jealous y/n oh no!”

so of course you go after him and try to talk but he’s just in his room all stoic and a bit irritated just at the mere thought of you and minghao together

so you’re like “jihoon what the heck? it’s just a harmless topic”

“why don’t you like me??”

“don’t be dumb, we’re best friends-”

“exactly, that’s why I should be your favorite”

“stop being a baby”

“I’m not! just thinking about how you like minghao makes me wanna punch him”

and you like cross your arms and sigh bc even when he’s overreacting he’s still so fucking cute!

“it’s not like I wanna date him”

and he’s just like “whatever”

so you’re just pumping yourself up like thiS IT IT PERFECT TIMING DONT PUSSY OUT

“I mean, if they asked me who I would wanna date, I would definitely say you”

“what”

“what?”

he would be so shocked but also like :))))))

“-and I know this would potentially ruin our 19 year long friendship but-”

“shut up and come here” and he would pull you in and hug you so close like you would feel lightheaded a bit in a good way

and then he looks at your face and looks at your lips and your heart is beating so fast like you’ve been wanting to do this since you first saw him again and 

boom boom

“hey is everything-oH HEY!”

you and jihoon as a couple would be the cutest thing ever

jihoon hates pda with the guys but he LOVES it with you it sort of offends the boys a bit

he always holds your hand he loves being connected to you

really likes it when you give him back hugs tho

really appreciates when you force him off the computer and you two just lay down on the couch in his studio cuddling and you’re just stroking his hair

sort of addicted to kissing you too especially on the shoulder

it’s honestly perfect because you guys are just so comfortable bc hello again you’ve known each other since birth

the boys love you and they always count on you to take care of him when they can’t and vice versa

support 100000% he streams your games and you his performances

you’re his muse to everything you’re the reason he gets up every morning

tours are hell bc all jihoon wants to do is hug you and sometimes facetime is hard bc time zones but you both somehow make it work

you guys barely fight at least not big ones, you both understand it won’t be easy but you love each other so it’s okay

there’s a huge amount of trust which is so important when he travels

when he announces you to the public you get a fair amount of hate and he got so sad but you’re like “eh”

eventually the fans accept you and love you bc like you’re jihoon’s best friend and who better to be with him than someone he’s known his whole life???

omg when both your parents found out

your dad to his dad

“you owe me a car”

jihoon makes me so warm and this was longer than I thought it was gonna be but !!!

[kfawkes]

Gone

*** I saw this art by SpaceAltie and it fit SO well with my ME2 stuff, so I had to use it for this! Hope you enjoy! P.S Artist gave me permission to use! <3 ***

Now is the Winter of our Discontent

It had been three weeks since Garrus left Shepard standing on the Docking Bay. He had mostly settled back into the routine life of a C-Sec officer, and was only a few more weeks away from starting Spectre training. He had always planned on reapplying at some point, but after the Battle of the Citadel he was offered a position in the next round of training. It was hard to imagine his life would change as much as it did in those last several months. It was weird how quickly it could happen...

Remembering the man he was before he had met Shepard, the reputation he had amongst the other officers, and even the criminals of the Citadel… But he wasn't that same young hothead from before. He had grown into an exceptional combatant, a skilled technician. He may have always been pretty gifted with a gun, but all of his missions alongside Shepard had taught him more than his days at C-Sec, or his father ever had. Not just about the battle, but about himself. He was going to make a difference, and he wouldn't compromise himself this time to do it. He was going do it right.

As much as he wanted to pursue life as a Spectre, he found himself feeling emptier with each passing day. Since he left Shepard up there, he couldn't shake the feeling that something was very, very wrong. That that night would be the last time he would see her. The two of them hadn't exactly left things settled… There was still a lot of confusion about what exactly they were. What even were they? He knew that what they had went far beyond anything physical. They may have had an undeniable attraction to each other, but before any of that there was friendship. Trust. Understanding. Whether he was to stay a friend or grow into something else, he didn't know. He didn't even really care, just as long as she would be around. If he could be at her six for the rest of his days, he would be happy… But he needed to see this through. He had an offer he couldn't refuse and if anything were to happen between them- well, they could deal with it then.

Sitting at his desk in the lower levels of C-Sec he responded to all the messages he had accumulated over the last few months. He didn't bother checking the messages sent through C-Sec channels, because technically he wasn't really working for the Citadel at that time. He always had been bad about checking his mail now that he thought about it. But anyone that he wanted to have contact with knew how to get ahold of him. Shepard was one of those people. They hadn't seen each other since her departure, but they would send messages via omni-tool at least once a day and occasionally he’d get a video call. Life was busy for him after the attack, and Shepard had been off dealing with the remaining geth forces. No matter how busy though, they always made time to correspond; even if it were but a few words.

The repetitiveness that became his life grew increasingly dissatisfying. He may have been happy to know he was alongside Shepard during that final battle, knowing he made a difference... But that didn't make returning to the boring life of an officer any better. In fact, it probably made things worse. He had even become sorta famous around the office, his father even called to tell him congratulations… Even with all the praise and admiration, he still felt like something was missing. He didn't have to think long to figure out what it was.

It was Shepard. It was the Normandy. It was everyone. He had gotten so used to life on a ship, life on that ship. Now life off of it just didn't cut it anymore. He had made up his mind. The next time Shepard came to the Citadel he would join her. His place wasn't here, it was there- it was with her.

The days passed as a couple more weeks followed. He woke one day with a heavy feeling deep in his chest… something was wrong. Not the usual discomfort of feeling like he was in the wrong place. No, this was something heavier. After a quick glance to his omni-tool, he read 'No new messages'. If something was wrong, he would know, wouldn’t he? He tried shaking the feeling but was only met with more unease. When he arrived to C-Sec that day everything started off normally; he had a few meetings, several boring messages to reply to, the usual banter with his coworkers. But, no matter how much he distracted himself that feeling just wouldn't go away… It hovered in the pit of his stomach, not allowing him a moment of peace.

As if on queue his omni-tool lit up as the sound of a new message pinged from his wrist. He looked at the orange hue flashing, but was scared to open it. For whatever reason… he knew opening that message would change everything. After he built the courage, he slid a taloned hand to the HUD clicking the message open.

—

Officer Vakarian,

I wish I were writing you on better circumstances, but there is something you should know- before you see it in the news vids…

No, this is a better conversation to have in person. It's probably best you take the remainder of the day off as well. I'd like you to accompany me somewhere if you would.

Meet me at the Docking Bay in an hour.

-Councilor Anderson

Alliance Navy

—

He read the message over and over. What had happened? Why was Councilor Anderson writing him? Before he saw it on the news vids? Saw what on the news vids?

Immediately he rushed to the docking bay. An hour was a ways away, but he couldn't help himself. He had to get there now. The urgency of not knowing what had happened was killing him. Pacing the Docking Bay during his wait he found himself thinking back to that night with Shepard. That drunken night… The night that changed everything. He could almost feel and taste her again. The minutes ticked by slowly, finally Councilor Anderson exited the elevator and approached him. His face was sad, and stern. Something was definitely wrong here. He walked straight up to Garrus extending a hand, which he firmly shook back.

"Officer Vakarian… How are you today?" Anderson asked stepping to the side.

"Councilor… fine. You wanted to speak to me?" He asked with suspicion in his voice watching Anderson's vitals trickle by on his visor.

"Yes… I did." Anderson turned away from him resting his hands on the railing overlooking a few docked ships.

"Anderson? Excuse me, sir, but what is going on?" He found himself growing impatient.

"There's been an accident, Vakarian. The Normandy was hit." He noticed that Anderson couldn't look at him when he spoke.

Feeling his heart sink as everything grew dull around him. His breath quickened and he felt his mandibles pull tightly to his face. He didn't speak, he couldn't. Fear engulfed him, he didn't want to hear whatever Anderson was trying to say.

"There were some survivors. But, Commander Jane Shepard has been reported as killed in action during the attack." With this Anderson turned finally locking eyes with him. His face had grown pale, it seemed like he was holding back tears. Garrus had seen many humans crying while at C-Sec. He never quite understood it, not until then. Not until he felt the pain in his chest and he himself felt the urge for the first time.

"No." He let out softly shaking his head in disbelief.

No. This isn't possible. Shepard… she… she can't be…

"I'm headed to meet the remainder of the crew now, the Normandy went down only a few hours ago. I figured you'd like to accompany me." Anderson was trying to remain in control of his emotions, but his voice proved otherwise.

This can't be happening. Shepard couldn't be… She just couldn't. She is Shepard… She stopped Saren. She stopped Sovereign. She stopped the geth… She couldn't just… What the hell is happening… How could any of this be real?

The ride had been long and agonizing. When Garrus and Councilor Anderson arrived at the Medical Center where the remaining crew had been taken, he still couldn't believe it. The crew had clearly been shaken up, some were seriously injured; but they all were covered in grime and smelled of fire. He looked around the room frantically, searching for her. Where was she? She had to have been there. She couldn't be… there was no way she was… No matter how many faces he checked, none of them were hers. No matter how hard he searched for the scent of her skin, her hair, her blood… there was nothing. There was only emptiness.

Looking across the room he spotted Joker sitting stiffly with Kaidan. They weren't speaking to each other, they didn't move… they just sat looking into the distance as if they were empty vessels with nothing left inside. He ran, pushing past anyone in his way- he had to hear it from them. He had to hear it from anyone who had been there. Had they actually seen her… He wouldn't believe it otherwise. He couldn't believe it otherwise. When he reached them the looks they sent each other threw him into a rage. Before he knew what he was doing he grabbed Kaidan shaking him forcefully by the collar, almost lifting him from the ground. The biotic lit up in a white blue haze but he didn't speak, didn't react.

"What happened? Where is she?" Shaking Kaidan again growling each word that slipped his lips. "Where is she, damn it!" His voice echoed the medical center, pulling the remaining crew and doctors attention toward the commotion.

No one moved in though, not yet anyway… They just watched and the room grew quiet. No one knew the degree to which he had been involved with Shepard, but everyone knew how close they were. It was no secret that he was a favorite of hers, of course he would be affected by her death. Kaidan didn't even try to fight back, he just sway lifelessly as Garrus shook him. Joker stood putting his hand on Garrus' shoulder trying to pull him away from his rage. It was building, everyone could see it. He was about to break. Shaking Kaidan again this time with more force, his taloned hands puncturing his soft fleshy arms. Smelling the fresh blood, seeing how unstable Kaidan was growing in his visor... but this didn't stop him.

"She's gone, Garrus." Joker spoke finally shaking his head. "I saw it myself… If it's anyones fault it's mine. I wouldn't leave the Normandy… She had to come back for me and now she's dead." He stepped back in defeat, burying his face in a hand.

Garrus would have hit him, but even in his guilt fueled rage he knew that probably would have killed him. If he didn't, he'd at least of broken every bone in his face. So instead he unloaded a fist into Kaidan. Kaidan could take a beating… He didn't care if Joker had been the reason she stayed aboard too long, and deep down he knew it wasn't Kaidan's fault or even Jokers for that matter. That's just who Shepard was and he knew it… She was always going to be the last one out. Knowing that didn't stop him in that moment though. He just reacted. Sending Kaidan flying backwards into a cot; he grabbed his face looking to Garrus with anger filling his eyes. A small stream of red blood ran from his nose. In a flash he stood arms glowing bright with an orb of biotic energy, throwing it straight into Garrus' chest sending him flying into a passing asari nurse. There were several screams as the crowd ran trying to escape the disturbance.

"It's not my fault, Garrus. I tried to get her to come with me but she wouldn't leave Joker. She ordered me to get to a pod. I was just following orders." Kaidan voice was dry, but he spoke with eyes full of fury as his chest heaved heavily with each breath.

"Oh, what a fantastic display of discipline, Alenko. You followed an order like a good little varren, and your bad call got Shepard killed. You should have protected her." He stepped closer to the biotic growling each word a long finger pointing at his chest.

"Me? What about you, huh? If you're so damn in love with her, why weren't you with her? Why did you leave her that night? No. You're just as much to blame here as I am, Garrus." He yelled back wiping his nose still glowing a white blue.

"You have no idea what you're talking about." Garrus was growling raising a fist at Kaidan again but was stopped before he could react further.

"Enough!" Joker yelled throwing himself between them, he was showing a lot of bravery stepping in so close at a time like this. "It doesn't matter what could have happened. Who was there, or who wasn't. She's gone, alright? Fighting each other isn't going to bring her back." The pilot looked between the two of them almost pleading... almost begging.

They all stood in silence, breathing heavily. After a moment Garrus sighed, turning to leave the room. His heart was heavy and he felt like the best part of him was missing. Ripped out. Gone. Taken from him.

Kaidan was right… He never should have left her. And now she was…

Shepard was… dead.

[potentiality-26]

What I’m Writing

Do Dis: List all the things you’re currently working on in as much or little detail as you’d like, then tag some friends to see what they’re working on. This can be writing, art, vids, gifsets, whatever. 

I was tagged by @zombiisheep!  I’ve had to tweak the formula somewhat to fit my particular process. 

Tagging: I feel like most people have either already done this or been just tagged, but if you’re reading this and you want to do it, do it and tag me so I can see!  I will tag @futuredescending, though, mainly for expressing an interest in some of the fics that I list here.

(I put it under a read more because wow, it got long.  All the fics are for Kingsman, most are Hartwin but some not)

Fics I’m Actually Writing Editing/Reworking Now

- The Hartwin fic I previewed in my latest Sunday Six.  As you could probably tell from that, it involves Eggsy waking up in the hospital wing with Harry at his side and thinking he must be hallucinating, but I think I’ve done a fun twist on it.  Both amnesia and possible time travel are involved.  It’s already jossed by the trailer, but such is life.  Posted!

- A short(ish) fic also jossed by the trailer.  I wondered what (if anything) Merlin and/or Roxy might have done to keep the other Kingsman agents from doing what Harry did when Valentine turned the SIM cards on.  I came up with the idea of Amelia being assigned to get as many of them as possible somewhere safe, and discovering that Harry isn’t dead in the process.  It’s mainly focused on the interactions between her and Harry (and the other Kingsman), but there’s Amelia/Roxy (Roxelia?) and Hartwin in the background.  Posted!

- A companion to the above that picks up in Eggsy’s POV where the previous fic left off.  Mainly Hartwin with a side-order of Eggsy + Roxy friendship.  It’s shorter than I want it to be right now, so further shippy stuff might happen.  Maybe a little Merlin/Tilde?  Who knows.  Posted!  (Also two more originally unplanned sequels here and here, one from Harry’s POV and the other from Roxy’s.)

Fics That I’m Returning To Soon Making Slow But Sure Progress On

Note: if anyone reading this sees a fic (or two or five) that they would desperately like to see ASAP, please feel free to say so and I’ll try to put on a little more steam!

- A superpowers AU.  Pretty much every character has powers and appears in this fic, but the core group all live in a mansion together and work as private investigators.  It’s Merlin’s POV, but he’s a telepath with boundary issues so there’s quite a bit of Hartwin, Roxelle, and Percilot going on in the background.  Some Jamal/Ryan/Tilde also seems to be happening?  

- A Merhartwin(ish) fic.  In it Merlin is aro and he and Harry have a friends with benefits thing going on that really works for them.  The fic is mainly about the three of them figuring how Eggsy now fits into it.  It’s been tricky to make sure it isn’t too Hartwin + 1, but I really relate to Merlin in this fic so I think I can do him justice. 

- A Hartwin Angel Eggsy/Demon Harry AU that I actually started work on before Hope and Good Intentions, but it got stalled.  Hopefully I’ll figure out where I’m going with it soon.

- A Hartwin fic where Harry is the writer of a successful series of spy novels and he’s receiving threats.  Eggsy gets hired as his bodyguard and would you believe it they fall in love.  There’s a twist here but I don’t want to spoil it (how I will tag the story without spoiling it I do not currently know). 

- A Hartwin (+ Roxlin) regency AU.  Harry is a gentleman and war hero who takes Eggsy and his mother and sister under his wing.  It’s not based on any specific story from that period but the vibe is there, lots of slow burn and misunderstandings.  Also gay marriage is totes a thing in this universe because what is the genre without overwrought marriage proposals?

- A Hartwin fic based on the Star Trek: Voyager episode Shattered.  Different parts of Kingsman HQ are locked in different time periods.  Eggsy has to find a way to fix it, and he teams up with a version of Harry who is roughly his age and also another Galahad from the future. 

- A young Merlahad fic where Merlin is a scientist working for a potentially evil organization.  Harry is hired as his new muscle, but there’s more to him than meets the eye. 

- A Harry/Roxy (Harroxy?) marriage of convenience fic.  Harry needs a wife for Reasons.  He and Roxy get hitched and find it works for them.  Posted!

- An A/B/O AU with Harry/Eggsy/Merlin/Roxy (I know right?).  It’s alpha!Roxy’s POV because I always see people talking about the cool potential of lady alphas in this trope but I’ve never actually read a fic about one.  There’s lots of everyone figuring out their individual relationships and also how they work together as a group.  

- A Merwin-to-Merhartwin fic.  This is really just me trying to work through my hangups about Merwin in fic form, and though they’re both really crazy about Harry the story is largely about them figuring things out together while Harry’s busy being... like... Catholic (it makes sense in the fic).   

Fics That I Keep Putting Off 

Note: some of these are actually closer to finished than the ones above, but I’m just not feeling the mojo for whatever reason so they’re stalled.  Do feel free to poke me about any one of them too though.

- A 5 + 1 style Hartwin fic about the many times Harry and Eggsy get mistaken for a couple before they actually are.  I ended up putting a ton of my dog test angst and like all the PTSD in it, so it’s way less fluffy than that summary makes it sound.  There’s also some D/s.  IDEK. 

- A Hartwin magical realism AU where everyone has a fairy godparent who gives them a “gift” at some point in their lives.  That background is really just window dressing in a fic that’s mainly about Harry being a virgin.  Don’t ask me why that happened. 

- An established Merlahad fic about Merlin coming to terms with losing Harry and then finding him again.  It’s also jossed by the trailer but maybe it doesn’t have to be?  I don’t know.  I’ve mainly been putting off finishing it because I have some scenes written for a Merhartwin sequel to it, and in a perfect world I’d like to know where I was going with that before I took this one any further. 

- A Harroxy fic about Harry and Roxy being regular mission partners and eventually more than that.  It’s planned as part of a larger Harry/Eggsy/Roxy OT3 series, and therefore slow going. 

- A Hartwin Cinderella AU set in the Jupiter Ascending universe.  That makes sense in my head.  I also have a Gazelde The Little Mermaid sequel in mind, a Sleeping Beauty one with Eggsy and Gazelle being BFFs and saving their respective spouses, and a Beauty and the Beast one maybe with Roxlin. 

- A Hartwin soulmate AU?  Actually I’ve got three different Hartwin soulmate AUs.  One of them is like my soulmate magnum opus that starts before the first movie and then goes through it and changes the events quite a bit.  I’m thinking I’ll save it until after TGC because a) it’ll probably take that long to finish it anyway and b) since the plot of TSS is tweaked by it anyway, I could carry that through to the second movie and use it as a fix-it if necessary.  The other two are shorter, one set in the same universe as my James Bond fic Heartlines, and the other featuring amnesiac Harry posted here.

- Even more amnesiac Harry and/or time travel Hartwin fics.  I’m going to try to focus on just one or two of each, but I really can’t decide which.  I won’t go into detail about every single one since this is already so long, but feel free to ask for more info if you’re curious.  I’m always happy to cry about all my WIPs. 

- Two D/s AU fics, one Hartwin and one Merhartwin.  The first is classic dom Harry/sub Eggsy and largely mission related.  The other has switch Merlin, sub Harry, and dom Eggsy; it has quite a bit of pining Merlin, but in the end it’s very smutty.  I’m going to try to focus my energy on just one, but I haven’t decided which. 

I’ve also got a ton of shorter stories in the works, some sequels, and even more long WIPs, but these are the big ones I’m mainly hoping to get done with before we’re all old.

[queen-scribbles]

In Memoriam

For @meflashfanwork January theme of Letting Go.

Growing up in a farming colony, followed by spending a couple years bouncing solo through the Alliance foster system had left Quinn with something of an independent streak. Teamwork in combat was one thing, but off-duty he found it very hard to ask for help. Which is why Ashley nearly fell out of her chair when he started a conversation with "Hey, Ash, can you do me a favor?" "Sure, but I feel like I should be making a vid of this conversation," she teased, leaning forward to give him her full attention. "What do you need, babe?"

"I have something I need to do where moral support would be appreciated," Quinn said vaguely. "I was wondering if you'd be willing to come with me and not ask any questions 'til we get there?" "This isn't illegal, is it?" She raised an eyebrow. "No, nothing like that," he promised. "It's just.... You'll see." Something told her that whatever this favor was, it was serious, so she simply asked, "When would we be leaving on this mystery trip?" "Tomorrow, if that works for you." "Way to give a girl notice, Skipper," Ashley chided gently, pushing to her feet. "Guess I should go pack." 

She trailed one hand over his shoulder as she walked past, and Quinn grasped it, looked up at her gratefully. "Thanks, hon." "Anything for my captain," she teased lightly, squeezing his hand. "I really should go pack." Quinn nodded and let go. "It'll be temperate where we're going, and we'll only be there a day or two." "It's like you read my mind," Ashley couldn't resist commenting as she shot him one last smile and left the room to go pack accordingly. >>O>>O>>O>> Their trip to... wherever they were going went smoothly. Quinn was quiet most of the trip, and more than once Ashley caught him browsing through pictures on his omnitool, wistful smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. When they entered the Attican Traverse, she suspected. When they landed on Mindoir, she knew. So she didn't push when Quinn took his time with the landing procedures, when he wanted to double-check things twice, when he took far longer than necessary changing into civilian clothes. He finally looked at her as they prepared to disembark. "I guess you've put it together by now?" Ashley nodded, linking her arm through his and giving his hand a supportive squeeze. "Everything but the significance of the date." The slaver raid that orphaned him had been in the spring, still several months off. Quinn swallowed hard, grip tightening on the stuffed animal he held. "My- Mika's birthday." Even just those two words came out rough, and when he fell silent, Ashley didn't push. This had to be so hard for him. The destroyed section of the colony had been abandoned, but Mindoir was a resource-rich world, so the Alliance had simply recolonized elsewhere, with better security. It had to be jarring to carry memories of a smoking ruin and be greeted by a bustling city. She definitely understood why he'd wanted her help. Quinn stayed silent all the way through the city. Ashley asked for directions, Ashley handled the shuttle rental, Ashley thanked the security guard for his concern when he warned them to stay in colonized areas. They didn't stay in colonized areas. Soon as they were out of the guard's line of sight, Quinn punched a set of coordinates into the shuttle guidance system. From memory. "You still have it memorized?" Ashley muttered, not sure whether to be impressed or concerned. Quinn just shrugged and nodded. "We were supposed to know it by heart. In case we ever got lost." He absently stroked to stuffed horse, fingers sliding through the soft plush coat. "I... don't know if I  can do this, Ash." She slowed the shuttle to a halt and let it idle while she looked at him. "Then we don't have to. If all this is gonna do is hurt you and stir up ghosts, then I can turn this shuttle right around and we'll go back. Find some other planet and steal a mini-vacation. We only have it's something you want to do, Skipper." She reached over and covered his hand with hers. God, it killed her to see him hurting."So, which way?" Quinn was silent for a long, heart-breaking minute before he met her eyes and said quietly, "Forward." "You sure?" He nodded. "I'm sure. This is something I want to... need to do, Chief." Neither of them spoke until the shuttle beeped an alert that they had reached their destination. "She'd be your age," Quinn commented as they climbed from the shuttle. "Huh?” "Mika. If she were still... She'd be the same age as you." Ashley couldn't think of a reply beyond, "Oh". She remembered hearing about the batarian slavers razing and kidnapping from the Mindoir colony. She'd been eleven. "I think you two would've gotten along," he said absently, staring at the scorched earth that must have held a home. His home. "She was all about standing up to bullies and protecting people and loved to read." He actually chuckled, a small and rueful sound in the vastness that surrounded them. "She wanted to go back to Earth and be a cowboy when she grew up. No matter how many times Zane and I tried to tell her there weren't really cowboys; they only exist in old vids and books, she was adamant she was going to be a cowboy. We stopped trying when she was nine." "Zane was your brother?" Ashley said softly. He didn't talk about his family much, always steering conversations back toward her still-living siblings. Quinn nodded. "Twin brother, actually. Older by five minutes and never, ever let me forget it. Slavers hit the day before we turned sixteen. We spent our birthday hiding in the bedroom with Mika, trying to keep her quiet , trying to keep her from looking for Mom and Dad. They were already dead and we knew it." He reached a spot on the burnt shadow and knelt, setting the stuffed horse against a rock. "But we were teenagers. We fell asleep. She got out. Zane went after her. Told me, made me swear I wouldn't move for anything short of them burning down the house." His voice shifted to a monotone, eyes staring at nothing. Ashley slipped her hand into his and let him squeeze as he waded through the memories. "They never came back. And the slavers did torch the house. I went bolting out, coughing and crying. Tripped over... something, looked to see what it was, wished I hadn't. It..." He squeezed her hand hard, shook his head. "Let's just say I'm positive my family's dead. There are friends who probably got taken by the slavers, like Talitha, but I know my family died. So I started running and didn't stop 'til I hit that Alliance patrol. I don't even know if the batarians cased me or anything. I just ran." "Skipper..." She found herself at a loss for words. "So why now?" Quinn looked over at her, eyes bright and cheeks damp. "Mika's birthday is harder, but I figured with the right help I could maybe be strong enough to let go of one of my ghosts." He rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand, gratitude having replaced the stress of earlier. "I wasn't wrong." Ashley felt her own eyes well up at the implication. "Oh, Skipper, you gotta quit doin' this." "Doing what?" "Saying things that make me want to kiss you. Particularly at wildly inappropriate times." "Can't get enough of me, huh?" His voice was gruff and shaky, but the levity was unmistakably there. "Nope." She leaned over and kissed his cheek. Quinn fell silent again for a while. Ash sat with him patiently, quietly, even as the cool of the ground sank through her clothes. Finally he took a deep breath and ran one hand over the stuffed pony's mane. The words began as a whisper, barely audible. “’I  hold it true, whate'er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most;-”

“'Tis better to have loved and lost,’” Ashley joined in, fingers lace between his, “’Than never to have loved at all.’” They both fell silent again, and Ashley couldn't help but feel there was a finality to this visit beyond the fact Quinn was remembering his dead sister. But she didn't say anything as Quinn stood, tugged her to her feet, and headed back to the shuttle. She didn't say anything as the engines whined to life and the ride back to the new colony began. It wasn't until after they'd reached the settlement and settled with the rental agency that Quinn said, "I wasn't... wasn't entirely honest in explaining why we came now." "Skipper, you don't have to-" Ashley began. "But I want to," Quinn interrupted. "It is Mika's birthday, and that's why I wanted to come today. But this trip is different. I've come before on birthdays, my parents' anniversary, the first couple anniversaries of the attack- 'til I realized that was a lousy way to spend my birthday and stopped. But this... this is my last visit.  Hence the letting go of my ghosts, or trying to." "How d'you know it's your last visit?" Ashley frowned. "Because the new colony needs to expand and the best direction to go is over the old colony. I won't be able to visit that spot any more. There'll be a house or an office or a business on top of it." "Can't you say something?" She linked her fingers between his and squeezed his hand. "I mean, you just saved the whole damn galaxy, I would think that carried some weight." "It does," he sighed, smiling slightly at her joking tone. "Just not enough to convince them to expand somewhere else. I've made every argument from it being in poor taste to pointing out the benefits to other parts of the planet. No dice." "Couldn't they just give you that plot of land? Not build anything there so you can keep this up? It obviously means a lot to you." Quinn shook his head. "I couldn't do it. It'd be too different. I can come now because it's quiet. Lonely. Peaceful." He squeezed her hand back. "It'd feel really weird having a moment of silence for my family less then ten yards from city bustle." "Good point," Ashley conceded as they entered the spaceport. "I can see how that would make it difficult." "It's sweet that you thought of something." He kissed the top of her head. "But it's probably for the best that I let this go. Move on with my life and all that. Future's lookin' pretty rosy right now..." "Oh, yeah?" Ashley paused, tugged him out of the flow of foot traffic to kiss him properly. "That so, hero man?" "That's so, hero lady," Quinn nodded and kissed her again. "It's time to look forward rather than behind me." "Good plan," she nodded, settling his arm around her shoulders as they resumed they path toward the ship.

--------------------------------------------------------

The poem that they quote is ‘In Memoriam A.H.H’ by Alfred, Lord Tennyson. I’d already been thinking about titling this ‘In Memoriam’ just cuz of the nature of the fic, and then I found that poem in my search for one to include and it was too perfect to pass up. Poetry’s very important to Quinn(part of why  he fell for Ash), so I wanted to include it at one of his more vulnerable moments. I’ve been meaning to write something that ties in with his background/psych profile(Colonist/Sole Survivor), and had actually already started working on this when I found @meflashfanwork and the month’s theme fit with something I already had half written. So I finished it, typed it up, and then very nearly forgot to post it. :P Whoops. But here we go.

[kookiebluey]

Wlog for the BTS London concert on the 10th💓

Just so I don't forget, I’d like to write down how I felt b4, during and after the BTS concert on the 10th💜

 I remember it wasn't a chill day at all, and I went to tutorials and lectures in the first half of the day. Can't say that I'm extremely excited cuz I was never really hyped for anything. It's not because I didn't like BTS enough, it's the fear of expecting too much and end up getting disappointed somehow. Well, I guess I was wrong and I could have looked forward to it even more xd

 I went back home after the computational lecture ended, then packed up my stuff (which was partly packed the nite b4) as quickly as I could. When I thought everything was settled, I realised that my parcel has arrived and I haven't printed my ticket yet. Everything was done in a hurry, and I left home at 2:05 for a 2:15 train.

 On the train, I was still kinda calm and had a look thru my notes from class. Then I spent the rest of the time sleeping and imaging how would I feel when I actually meet them at the concert. Would it feel like how it was in my dream? Or would it be something completely different?

 I arrived at London and google mapped how should I get to O2 arena cuz hahah I had no idea. Everything went by smoothly and I even managed to follow someone with a "jungkook 98" shirt when I sort of got lost hahaha.

 I took pictures of boards that were at the station and made a call to see where Joey is. Joey was already queuing. Lol up till this point, I kinda hoped that I've vlog-ed this. Its gonna be so much fun going back and rewatching everything. Anyways, Joey introduced me to her friends and we went on talking about what we could do inside. She prepared everything for me - like the lightstick, batteries, telling me they wouldn't really go thru my stuff hence its ok if I had a lot of stuff with me lolz

 We finally got in and we went up to get some drinks (which I didn't). I said bye to Joey (cuz we sit in different areas) and went to the toilet to change into a black T-shirt I got from Korea (haha I know its an unnecessary fact).

 Then, finally, I entered the arena and managed to find my seat. Sadly, on my seat, there's this girl that wanted to sit with her fd and would trade for a seat that's much further away from the stage (honestly wtf). I insisted that I'd like to keep my seat and eventually she gave in.

 I then had conversations with her fd (ie the person next to me now) and she went on about how she coped with their concert yesterday at the pit. She seemed to be a really old fan and had went to a lot of the functions in the past. I don't entirely agree but I said nothing hahah (I mean whats the point in arguing - its not like Im gonna see her after this).

 The fans were really hyped and they sang fanchants in every MV that came up at the arena. Love to see how the staffs' expressions are hahah - they'd be like wtf BTS is not even here what are u guys on about? Hahah bro I feel u I felt the exact same thing xd

 Finally it hit 8pm and the concert is about to start. They came out after a series of promo vids and after a marvellous stage arrangement. It was really hyped and it really lits up your mood. Just imagine someone really calm like me (ie calm during clubbings and all) getting really hyped and stuff hahah~

 I was really worried that I could bearly see Jungkook cuz he got injured and might stay at the main stage. BUTTT he actually brought his chair to the extended stage and sat at my side of the stage!!! Don't get me wrong, but I might have saw him better just cuz he was sitting the whole time xd

 It's that feeling when something that's on ur screen, on your wall or even in ur dreams (but is somehow non existing in ur life) suddenly was in front of you. I guess I was just 20 steps away from them if there were a platform from my seat to the extended stage. It was so close and you could see their facial expression so clearly. Even tho I couldn't make a heart or anything (cuz its embarrassing), or even get eye contacts, its still like a dream come true.

 I could see their little interactions right in front of my eyes, and hear their voices live. All of the members did a magnificent job and I honestly fell in love with every one of their performances. If I did said anything about having a bias and all, its really nothing like that anymore. I like every member and they are all so good looking (omg Jin is sosososososososo handsome I cannot).

 Standing for a total of 2 hours but it felt like 15 mins. Every song sounded so much more better live, and seeing them dancing so so close to you. It's a moment when you feel they are actual human beings - not cartoon, not animations.

 Jimin's performance actually did hit me - he was so attractive omg!! He also so cute when he looked around to try to interact with any fans that tries to catch his attention!

Jhope, Suga and Rapmon's performances were so lit!! Even tho they were never my favourite, they look so much more better in person!

Jungkook got injuried, so he sat down on a chair the whole time. But his voice was so angelic - and hahah I caught that moment when he forgot to sing a line - cuteeee. His interaction with his hyungs were also adorable - I love how they involved him even tho he couldn't dance, and he also tried to join in the dance even on the chair xdd - the thing is, he is a little conserved and he do not have actual interaction with any of the fans - but that's him and it isn't necessarily a good or bad thing. (btw JK look exactly like in photos and videos and thank god he decided to sit at my side of the stage on the day of my concert)

Jin, as what I've said, is so attractive omg!! He is THE VISUAL - no doubt  - he is stunning in person!!

V has his own charm as usual. He also looks exactly the same in phots and vids - and I caught the cute moment when he smiled at JK and start dancing his part hahah he also got "shot" by a fan's heart (I believe) and pretended that he got shot on stage - hahahah so freakin cute

 They all had really natural expressions during performances - and you couldn't imagine how could a person look so good in any angle and at any moment - its almost like calculated moves - and they are photogenic at every point of their performances -

What I had to do is to pick out moments that my camera didn't went out of focus or pointing at a wrong angle - they look fab in every single moment - no joke

 Ok so the conclusion is I was totally enjoying every moment and did not felt bored at any point of the concert - like not even slightly

I only wish time went by slower cuz I couldn't grasp all the moments that I'd like to record on my phone or to be aware of

 So I could tell Jungkook was a bit depressed in general but at least he didn't cry like how he did in the last concert - I really feel bad for him and thank god he didn't perform - I have a feeling I'm gonna be even more depressed cuz I'll miss his performance the most hahah

 Anyways then the concert ended and I asked every possible person to send me their vids. But honestly the ending was so sad. I actually felt like crying, but I didn't cuz I stopped myself from anticipating the concert too much in the first place, and therefore the contrast wasn't as great.

 Joey was really really depressed and I totally get it. Never thought you'd feel so at lost after you went to a concert you love. Its that feeling that "yeah they're right in front of you but now we had to take that back". Its really hopeless and you suddenly realised they are really superstars.

Its not like I wasn't aware of that fact that they are actual stars, but this reality hit you really hard when youre in a concert. There were so many armys and they wouldn't even know that you've existed. Its sad that they were so close and now you've understood that they are not your fds (even tho they seem like it in vids) but actual stars that are so out of reach. The contrast of being so hyped then falling back down to the bottom of the valley (hhaha its so different to the feeling of riding a roller coaster when going down is the best part).

 I love you BTS❤ even tho you'd never know our existence. They are truly remarkable and loved by so many.

 So moving on from this sad topic (XD), I met joey on the next day and convinced her to take a pic of me at an enormous wall with a print of BTS poster. I was kinda shy and couldn't really take a good pic until after a couple shots. We then had flat iron and it was a great restaurant - would really want to go again! We then attempt to take pretentious shots (which joey succeeded, and I hahah obviously failed) and had desserts. We then left to catch the train - but Joey lost her Oyster card:( She said something weird would always happen when shes with me ahahha I wonder why xd

 Yah so this was my marvellous bday gift - cant explain everything in short sentences, but I was so submerged into bts music right after the concert. You could literally think of nothing, do nothing, but listen to their music and rewatch the videos. I really want to keep the solid memory of the experience I've had at the concert - and pls don't forget it!!

 PS I really owe joey a lot cuz she persuaded and helped me to get the ticket. She got a JK fan for me, knowing I'll regret for sure! She knew me too well and at some point in life we do have to live like a teenager when we are teenagers rt? xd

Add-on: OMG so V went to flat iron too - honestly, how could they just walk into a restaurant w/o getting a room or anything, literally, just a table in which anyone could have sat on and anyone could have bumped into them. Sadly he didn’t go to the restaurant I went nor the time I went (I believe) but still happy cuz we had the same food ahahaha