#fossil phrases are so fun to me

[pumpkinbxtch]

hi! I love your Apollo fics sm can I please request a fic we’re the reader is Percy’s older sister and she finds out there’s like a prophecy of her marrying Apollo and then like they eventually meet and fall and love and then what there marriage is like

𓇼 the sun & the sea 𓇼 〰✷〰

— apollo / lester x daughter of poseidon!reader

— part i | part ii | part iii | part iv |

☆ radiostar is playin': hot rod by dayglow...!

summary: There is a prophecy waiting for you to listen to it and although it may not be something you expect or consider possible. You know what they say about prophecies…they can't fail to come true.

warnings: none BUT long read, literally. got out of hand and i couldn't stop writing. that's bad? oh, fuck me, i'm sorry. a/n: i appreciate your request, thank you (although I think I changed it a little, sorry). HEAR ME OUT I feel like I owe a lot of love to those who love Apollo, so that's why I didn't entertain the idea of ​​making this long. Hope you like I know it's long, but I promise I did my best to make it bearable and fun, I swear. 😭

“The sea and the sun are not far away as they look…”

They told you to stay away from the attic of The Big House, but they never told you why.

“Only he can go up”, they said, and it seemed stupid to you because he was your younger brother; you were supposed to protect him.

“It's very dangerous”, they told you while Annabeth went up, even though you were a couple of years older than her.

“Only if you lead some quest, but…” but no, because as the years went by, they made sure to remind you of your place. They told you that you were powerful, smart, and capable, because, yes, you were Poseidon's firstborn, but not the chosen one. That was Percy, your brother. Did it hurt? Yes, as an older sister, you tend to aspire to greatness and be an example, but you didn't die; you got over it.

“What does it matter? Less work for me” you said as you watched your brother's back on all the missions. Anyway, you ended up stuck in his destiny.

“His destiny. But then, what's mine?” you wondered. Then, when you took a step near Rachel Dare's cave, they stopped you too.

“It's–”

“Dangerous.” You completed the familiar phrase with a look of disgust, avoiding Chiron's eyes. He just looked at you with pity, thinking to himself that if you went in there, you could cause more trouble for your father or Olympus… Or everyone; it would be a war among all the Olympians, something they didn't need with Titan Kronos already on their heels.

Dionysus gave you his typical mocking smile, the same one that made you want to grab the can of Diet Coke and throw it right at his disgusting Christmas-reindeer-red nose.

“It would be so interesting, but we don't need it,” he said as he dragged you away from Rachel with Chiron.

You weren't stupid, you knew there was some good reason. But damn, those fossils were sneaky and never let you get to your redheaded companion, who also avoided you like the plague. Between those two things, you never managed to achieve it. Even less so after you ended up fighting on the Argo II with your new friends, straight from real Greece.

Oh, man, if you had thought Kronos was a damn old grump, Gaea was an old ball-buster. You didn't even have time to think about your future when you didn't know if you had one.

After the second war is when you started to throw in the towel about the future. You realized that the last thing you wanted to know at that moment was whether you would have to fight against twelve more Titans, return to Tartarus, or travel to Alaska again.

New Rome became your new home, and you only waited for Percy to catch up with you along with everyone else. That is, until you returned home to pack new things and didn't find your brother studying just as he should be.

— Mom? — You asked when she came back from shopping.

She gave you that look, and you cursed.

— Relax, he'll be back in a while; he just went to drop off Apollo or well, now he's Lester because apparently he's no longer a god but Zeus…

— Wow. Wait, what?

As a hero of Olympus, touching, seeing, or talking to the gods was never impossible for you; in fact, it was much more usual for your taste, and although you had been through too much already, that was new. So, you found yourself immediately traveling to Long Island Sound on the back of a Pegasus, looking for your brother. You wouldn't let Apollo, Lester, or whatever he called himself now take your brother away to distract him with his godly stuff that surely wouldn't lead to anything good.

— Where's Percy?! — You shouted in the dining hall, making the campers flinch.

Chiron got up from his seat, and from there, he smiled at you, but it only put you in a worse mood.

— Dear, it's been a long journey. Please, sit and eat with us.

You lowered your head without taking your eyes off Chiron and tightened the dagger on your belt. There was no reason for it, you knew, but you couldn't help feeling that fury after knowing everything you had been through. Percy deserved a break.

— Where's my brother? — The pause between words made the campers squirm in their uncomfortable seats. They had heard about you, about everyone. to be exact, in the third lesson of history in their camp classes.

— He left Apollo and Meg in a field not far from here — Chiron decided to sit back down and began to spread the tablecloth nervously. — He probably should have already reached home while you were flying here.

You sighed, and as you relaxed your body, everyone seemed to feel relieved.

— He has exams, Chiron — He nodded, and you made your way to the table where he was.

— In fact, there are problems, and apparently, he promised to come back this weekend — Your eyebrows furrowed again, and Dionysus laughed.

— Girl, shouldn't you be in New Rome?

— I went home for a few more things, also taking the opportunity to see my family, and it turns out that my little brother was helping an ex god who can't fend for himself, risking his studies. — You replied without looking at him — And speaking of brothers, you should control yours, Mr. D.

The god of wine snorted, and you formed a mocking smile. — Insolent.

— Miss Jackson — Chiron intervened, and you softened your gaze toward him — You can stay tonight, you know you're welcome and after all, it's too late to travel on Pegasus.

You didn't argue with them; you'd never put your pegasus in danger. So, for the first time in a long time, you returned to your cabin, the same one you shared with Percy and Tyson for so many years, and you had to admit that you missed him. At dawn, you were preparing to travel, and you left at the moment you thought no one was watching you, how wrong you were because a few meters away, Apollo was hidden behind the cabin piles, admiring you from afar.

— She… — He felt his heart tighten, and his gaze unfocused. He cursed his mortal body for how weak it was.

— Pervert! — Meg shouted, alerting the other campers who turned confused, and Apollo blushed.

— Shut up, I'm not a pervert — He smiled exaggeratedly at the others, pretending a smile and letting them know that everything was fine.

— You saw her — Said a voice behind him once Meg was far enough away to hear. The brunette turned and smiled sheepishly.

— For a second — Apollo replied, avoiding his old friend's gaze; embarrassment nibbled at his body, and it became evident once his cheeks glowed.

Chiron had never seen him… like that, so young, embarrassed, and notably imperfect, but despite Apollo's opinions about his recent change, he thought it suited him well, even found it amusing.

— You remember…

— I remember it well, Chiron — Apollo blushed even more — That's why I didn't approach her; dealing with my father's wrath is enough. Now I don't want to annoy Poseidon or I'll probably wake up dead on the lake shore tomorrow.

He played with the tips of his sneakers as buried them in the rocks on the floor; he looked like a scared little boy, but Chiron didn't judge him.

— I think you know what it means when she's around when you're close.

The ex god didn't want to pay attention, but he knew he was right.

— Although I remember who she is… there’s a problem. I don't remember how to avoid her…— Apollo's blue eyes looked directly at Chiron's, and the urgency on his face told him he was telling the truth. — If I don't know now, it's going to be harder; all I can do is hide if she's near.

— We've lasted many years with this circus, and as much as I respect the lord of the seas, I don't think this will last long. And you know what's more stubborn than a son of the sea god?

— The sea god — Apollo raised his eyebrows in annoyance, and Chiron resisted rolling his eyes.

— Fate, Apollo. You know it well, things are written. The prophecy is still there; it exists, and all we've done is delay the inevitable.

The brunette nodded with annoyance and waved his hand dismissively.

Although he wanted to pretend that he didn't care, the anxiety of what was to come ate at him. He knew very well that it wouldn't take long for you to discover what all these years had been hidden from you. If Apollo reflected better on that, he wasn't sure he wanted to continue keeping it to himself, either, 'cause those years had been torture for him. Yeah, he knew that you weren't yet mature enough for your mind to be stained with the weight of a prophecy that, unlike the others, not had to do with some quest or some imminent danger that threatened the entire world; but now you are in college, he couldn't wait for you to know.

The thing was, your father thought that the one who could be in danger was you, his precious daughter since Apollo was selfish, arrogant, and immature to have been around for eons. Poseidon could not fully explain the reason The Fates had woven such a destiny for you. So, until things had and could happen at the right time, in the right way, he warned Apollo to be close to you and he knew so well that be such an idiot idea to make him angry.

Before his thoughts could swallow him, Apollo shake them off and sigh to Chiron.

— Right now, I have a bigger problem. I think we've found something.

— Where?

— Here — Chiron frowned, and Apollo looked towards the camp's forest. — My dear friend, you have the Grove of Dodona here, in your playground.

Apollo didn't know that of all the decisions he had made in his life, avoid you was the best one he could make, because even if you had met that day or before, with the things that were about to happen to him, he wouldn't come back as half the man he was.

“Things at the moment, in time” the fates whispered in some place.

[cellarspider]

16/30 Chemically inert

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⛬

We return to a movie whose biggest enemy is its own script, Prometheus. This is the second post today, because the previous one was so awful and I had very little context to add beyond anger.

So, now we come to a scene that made me wonder in the theater: what the fuck is going on with straight people?

A tangent is required at this moment, before we get back to pondering this question. Some of my friends like to watch their favorite science fiction shows with me, particularly if they have to do with genetics. Orphan Black, for example. This is because it is understood that I will regularly call out “Pause!”, and then they get to sit and listen to me alternatively praise or sputter over the fictionalization of my field of study. 

“Look. Their genetic material pre-dates ours. We come from them.”

Pause!

This is, probably, meant to hammer in the premise of the movie to a lay audience. However, the way she phrased it left me confused for a good long minute, trying to figure out what the fuck she meant. We don’t speak of any extant species as “pre-dating” another, even if they look exactly like their fossilized ancestors: all modern organisms are modern organisms. They have been continuously evolving the whole time they’ve existed. What we talk about is species diverging from each other. We didn't come from chimpanzees, or from neanderthals for that matter: we diverged from them.

(https://news.wisc.edu/naledi/) 

If I were to try and explain what she actually means by this: The particular Engineer they sampled from possess genetic sequences that are present in our evolutionary precursors, but have been lost in humans. That, and/or the Engineer possesses no sequences that are specific to modern Homo sapiens. 

To which my response is: no shit. They’re eight foot tall, completely hairless humanoids, surrounded by advanced technology. This is not Futurama.

This still doesn’t answer all my other logistical problems with when they got involved on Earth, which I already rambled about at length. 

But now we get to the real mystery of the scene: why are straight people?

I’m asexual as a rock. No, not that rock. But I’m not sex-repulsed. Sexual media and art is fine by me, but Hollywood does such a shit job with romantic chemistry that I thought I was for quite a while.

Shaw and Holloway are a couple. We know this, because they are a pair of female and male adult humans who work together in a movie. They have held hands and smiled at each other. Honestly, if Holloway hadn’t called Shaw “baby” soon after they woke up from stasis, I wouldn’t have known. 

Admittedly, this may be due to the fact that my “flirting or not” radar is hilariously non-functional most of the time. I have been on dates before without realizing it. Multiple times. It’s that bad.

This is the scene where we are supposed to see how they are romantic together, and how they grapple with their present situation. Holloway froze a rose in the cargo, along with a bottle of champagne. The fact that he has already been drinking heavily will surely make this especially fun, I’m sure.

Shaw, at least, acknowledges “[t]his is The most significant discovery in the history of mankind,” though I’d argue whichever early hominin first saw the big bald bastards already called dibs on that. I appreciate the gesture toward understanding the enormity of this situation, but her behavior hasn’t demonstrated it so far. Holloway’s, however, is even worse, and I think we are supposed to take Shaw as the more staid and reasonable one because of this.

With this and her further evidence that the Engineers made humans, Holloway immediately says “Okay. I guess you can take your father's cross off now.”

Yes. This is what you should say, when you’re in a long-term relationship with a religiously devout person who lost one or both of their parents at a young age. Definitely.

I get what this is trying to do, thematically. This movie is about the creation of life. We have a religious character squaring her faith with a piece of information that is incompatible with the literal text of her religion’s doctrine. 

Funny enough, we have a lot of religious people who work in biology already. Unless your religion was created last tuesday, there is literally no way it won’t contradict with some aspect of what modern science has discovered. People create the mental space for the supernatural, either merging or separating it from their field of expertise. Or they may not believe in the supernatural at all, instead subscribing to belief systems that provide an ethical and behavioral framework for their lives. 

A lot of scientists who are religious state that their religion is part of why they study the material world: Out of a love for the world, a call to aid others, or because the act of learning is seen as divine in itself.

This is also the kind of conversation that, frankly, two lunatics who believe in ancient alien contact with Earth should’ve had a long time ago. ‘Hey, you believe that big men from space were talking to the Sumerians, how’s that fit in with the whole Christianity thing for you?’

But no, he’s going somewhere hilariously baffling, via a direct route through the state of Wildly Insensitive as he barrels along the Clunky Dialog Highway.

“But here's what we do know: That there is nothing special about the creation of life. Right? Anybody can do it. All you need is a dash of DNA and half a brain, right?”

“I can't. 

I can't create life. What does that say about me?”

He FORGOT HIS LIFE PARTNER WAS INFERTILE.

“Ellie, that's not... I didn't mean… I wasn't talking about…”

Have you ever been so drunk that you made your girlfriend feel like Natasha ‘I’m a monster comparable to the Hulk because I was sterilized’ Romanoff in Age of Ultron

This is, as with most of the most thunderously clunky dialog in this movie, a plot point. There are ways they could’ve done this differently that I will get to at that time

But you know what’s even more baffling about this? Apparently that didn’t kill the mood.

It makes the next scene where Janek seduces Vickers with a jumpscare accordion and “Are you a robot?” almost make sense.

Or, frankly, Idris Elba and Charlize Theron are acting wizards who somehow managed to strangle some chemistry out of that scene.

Next time, the not-so-little death!

⛬ 

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Citations for alt-text rambles:

https://archive.org/details/abbott-and-costello-meet-the-mummy 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Nepenthes_cultivars 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ecce_Homo_(Garc%C3%ADa_Mart%C3%ADnez_and_Gim%C3%A9nez)#Failed_restoration_attempt_and_internet_phenomenon 

https://youtu.be/cZyj6GECjZ0 

https://youtu.be/nRr1t80TayE 

http://www.totheescapehatch.com/2012/06/escape-by-playing-stephen-stills.html 

https://www.discogs.com/artist/236968-Stephen-Stills 

Overflow Ramble 1 

I want it noted at the start here: I try to use screenshots where everyone looks as dignified as they can without losing objects or gestures I want to comment on, because otherwise it breaks flow. I could not find a screenshot where Shaw wasn’t stickin h leggy out real far, or making this extremely weird face. I tried. The movie defeated me.

Medium wide shot of Shaw sitting on a couch (loose pillows that don’t have velcro surfaces to keep them in place if the ship rolls), with Holloway in reverse shot, sitting on the other side of a coffee table (no lip to catch rolling objects), with a rose sitting in a cup between them. Shaw is about to stand up, and has just the most goddamn weird expression on her face. 

In the background is a side table (does have a lip, not tall enough to do anything), with a lamp (might be magnetized/gripped to the surface, doesn’t look it), a pile of books (falling hazard), a stick of incense burning in a cup (falling AND fire hazard), and, as previously noted during Vickers’ introduction, there’s the required Cultured White Person African Art Pieces just sort of. Leaned on a tiny little shelf in the background (how have they not fallen over already). Finally, a tropical hanging pitcher plant can be seen hanging behind the lamp, probably a Nepenthes cultivar. Did David keep these alive for two years? 

There is a bewildering buttload of Nepenthes cultivars, with an active enthusiast community in Japan. So, SO many of the cultivars are called ‘[Adjective] Koto’ (cite 2). Like, to the point where someone was clearly breaking out the dictionary to find more words for Koto. Decorous Koto. Effulgent Koto. Effulgent Koto again, there’s two of them. Elfine Koto. Emotional Koto. Felicitous Koto. Feminine Koto. Feverish Koto. Igneous Koto. Immobile Koto. And that’s as far as the Kotos go, apart from Zonal Koto. Somebody in 1984-1994 was literally going A-Z on Kotos before they suddenly stopped at I, turned around, and went back up to throw in Gerontic Koto and Ferny Koto.

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[changingplumbob]

Romero Household: Chapter 1, Part 9

Honeymoon continues as we check out the waterfall and beaches.

CW: Light dash of sim spice

Marta’s first language is Spanish so she is teaching Keira (and me) some common Spanish words/phrases Bueno: Good, fine, okay Gracias: Thank you Qué?: What? Si: Yes

Marta kisses Keira on the cheek, they’re both still chilled from the water battle.

Marta: Gracias for that, it felt good to play around

Keira: As old as we get, we should always make time for fun. And romance

Marta: Si, we sho-

Keira cuts her off mid sentence sweeping her around for another romantic kiss. Marta may be the romantic but Keira is completely in love with her wife and not afraid to show it.

The couple figure while they’re here they may as well have showers and immerse themselves in the water.

Keira: You know if you really want to be part of Sulani…

Marta: Si?

Keira: Then you woohoo in the waterfall

Marta: *giggles* That can’t be right

Keira: Oh no, we don’t accept anyone to the islands unless they’ve achieved that

Marta: So you’ve done it before

Keira: Well no, but maybe that’s why they kicked me off the islands

Marta giggles and leans forward to kiss Keira with unexpected passion.

Marta: You okay?

Keira: You know what they say, when in Sulani

Marta: Que?

Keira: Like when in Rome but- ahh

Marta pulls Keira back to the sheltered area behind the falls and the two share more adventurous woohoo.

When they emerge Keira is giddy but she notices Marta seems more pensieve.

Keira: Hey, you alright?

Marta: That was a bit different and I just worry… I was too loud, si?

Keira: Oh hey sweetheart, no. No. I love your voice, do you hear me? I love it. Plus if there’s a time to break molds and be loud it would definitely be when beside a raging waterfall

Marta: Gracias. Te amo. What should we do now

Keira: I’m feeling a bit hungry-

Marta: Let’s go back to the house, I’ll make fruit salad for lunch! I saw some pineapple somewhere around here

Of course we had to do a tiny bit of collectable grabbing. Marta caught some Monarch butterflies that she’s going to magically get through customs. She also found a fossil that she’s planning on giving to Keira as a gift. Keira meanwhile was harvesting some pineapple and kava.

Keira: You sure you don’t want help cooking

Marta: Si. I want to cook for you. Not that I’ll be cooking fruit salad

Keira enjoys having a moment to sit down and write. She hasn’t had time since starting work and she’s got a lot to get out of her head. In the kitchen Marta sings to herself while prepping the fruit. I wish she wouldn’t play fruit ninja quite so much (wait, are some of you too young to get that reference *stares into the distance horrified at the possibility*)

Marta gives the fruit salad some finishing touches and calls Keira to come eat.

Keira: You really like cooking huh

Marta: Si, food is important. It brings people together

Keira: Is that why you like being a barista so much

Marta: Si and no. I do heat some pastry but it is mainly coffee. The people ordering may be grumpy at times but I like knowing something I’ve done has made their day better

Keira: *chuckles* Just when I thought I couldn’t love you any more

The couple head to Ohan’ali Town for the afternoon. The Island Celebration event has been running since the early morning so there is already a smattering of sandcastles about. The girls head for the swing set where they swing gleefully.

Marta: Swings are fun. I feel like I’m flying

Keira: I reckon you’re never too old for swings

Marta: Si! I like this idea. I bet I can go higher than you

Keira: Wait, you’re lighter because you’re short, it’s not a fair contest

Marta: *giggles* Hard to hear you up here

When they start feeling sick they decide it’s best to head for solid ground and build a sandcastle.

Marta: Carino, have you thought more about your parents offer

Keira: You mean them paying so we can have an infant? I guess the Staples infants are pretty cute

Marta: Si, they are

Keira: And I’ve got to remember you’re older than me

Marta sticks her tongue out at this.

Keira: But an infant or two would be something I can handle I think. It’s just… how do we do it

Marta: Que?

Keira: It may have escaped your notice but we’re both women

Marta: Si, and?

Keira: Two cis women can’t have a baby by themselves. We’d need a sperm donor

Marta: What about a science baby

Keira: I don’t know. I’m a scientist sweetheart, I don’t easily trust technology I can’t understand and they haven’t published any papers on the results yet. What if they give us an infant with two heads

Marta: Carino, we’re not living in your cloning show

Keira: I know and I’m not talking about an Orphan Black situation but- can we trust them?

Marta: Would you rather look for a donor

Keira: I don’t know. What if we get a donor and in 18 years the kid decides we’re not their real family and leave to find the donor

Marta: However we get our kids, science or donors or adoption, there will be the risk that they’ll leave us. We just need to raise them the best we can

Keira: I suppose. I just wish I understood more

Marta: We can do more research first, we don’t have to rush into anything carino. There Mr gnome, do you like your shark suit

Keira: I thought he was being eaten by the shark

Marta: I... vote shark suit

Keira: *smiles* gnome in a shark suit it is. Shall we go see what’s left of the festival?

They leave the beach and take the steps up to the community space. There’s not much left by this time. Keira is annoyed that there aren’t many shells left but Marta enjoys the smells of the food. Quick romantic selfie time!

Previous ... Next

[deadforsevenyears]

Nothing can possibly express my relief and vindication when i came to college and took a geology class.

I was homeschooled - in various decreasing grades of intensity, while my peers, also homeschooled, seemed to be going increasingly opposite of me in fervor and religiousity. (And conspiracy).

I remember being one of those homeschoolers, though. My mom took me and my three siblings to meet up with her friend (3 kids, abusive husband she couldn't leave because of her oppressive religion) to the homeschool convention in Nashville.

Us girls wore long denim skirts, the boys had on button downs and kakis. We looked like Michael Pearl's own personal cult following/harem.

we went to hear Ken Ham (founder of the Christian apologetics organization that runs the Ark exhibit and creation museum) speak about catastrophism and the young earth theory.

He was quite a convincing, charismatic, and captivating speaker. It was like sticking my toes in cult infested waters. He talked about how the billions of dead things buried in the ocean were proof of a massive flood, and about how the fossils found in land locked places like Utah and Montana were proof of a flood. He even got the audience involved: he said "millions, billions of years ago..." The audience yelled back "FICTION." He had a handful of catchphrases: "layer upon layer upon layer" and "were you there?"

He even had handouts, an audio drama called Jonathan Park about scientific proof of creationism aimed at children ages 7 and up , books, videos.

and it was fun- we all had fun, we repeated his little catch phrases for YEARS after. Later at the homeschool co-op we began attending, the Christian homeschool science curriculum backed him up, even cited him.

Even when i began to think for myself about what i had been learning my entire life, creationism had been so well ingrained in me that i could barely wrap my mind around the possiblity of anything else.

A massive chunk of the population is being taught mythology as of it is fact, as if it ascends all science and research and evidence.

[necromancy-enthusiast]

I'd have to see exactly what they did to Mituna in the Chinese translation before making any final decisions but I think it would be funny to give him Wenzhounese as a native dialect because it's got a reputation for being particularly difficult to understand even among neighboring dialects, which are the ones that are most likely to have mutual intelligibility with one another. There's a saying that goes 'fear not the heavens, fear not the earth, but fear the person from Wenzhou speaking Wenzhounese' because of it. Supposedly it's sometimes referred to as 鬼話 'gui hua', which I've seen translated as 'devil language' but really gui always had more of a feel that's like 'ghost' or 'spirit' to me, it doesn't necessarily carry connotations of malevolence or evil. It's also in the character mo 魔 which definitely tends to carry a malevolent undertone to it and seems closer to the phrase 'devil', though. It feels like the difference between yokai and oni in Japanese folklore, yokai are pretty broad morally while oni are usually evil, or at least they're jerks and not the kind you want to get mixed up with.

And the 'ghost' epitath feels like it also has something to do with how Wenzhounese is sometimes considered 'a living fossil dialect' which like, living fossils aren't actually a thing anyway, but it speaks to how it's thought that Wenzhounese hasn't changed as noticeably as most other dialects over a long period of time.

Going back to Mituna I feel like his Mandarin was probably at least decent but then whatever the hell happened that made him lose his powers and made him particularly difficult to understand just kinda... It didn't yeet the Mandarin out of his head but it sure did garble it and mix it up with the Wenzhounese, so now he basically has his own fun little fusion dialect the others can often only understand bits and pieces of.

[qingxin-dream]

Your event is so cool and unique, I just saw it pop up in the tags and would like to request Kazuha with loach pearls and luminescent spines. I think it'd be very sweet.

Promise Me

a/n | aw thank you anon! and you couldn’t have picked a better combination imo for the event this was so fun to imagine and write. i got way too invested in the backstory but how can i not kazuha is just so—🥺❤️ i really hope i did this justice! (art credits: @/maiaiiaiiai on deviantart).

warnings | self-contained slow burn fic, unedited

genre | fluff, childhood crushes + love confession

word count | 3k

pairing | kazuha x reader

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In those wondrous days so many years ago, your messy hair bounced freely, your toothy smile often turned into infectious giggles, and your eyes were bright with endless possibilities. The puddles of a rainy spring day were portals to a new world waiting to be explored. The shells washed ashore after a midsummer storm hid the secrets to an underwater palace. The piles of golden-hued leaves carried on the autumnal wind were your unpredictable guides to distant lands hidden between trees.

The world was your oyster, and you had the best adventurer as your loyal partner through thick and thin. Though, you wouldn’t know it just by looking at him.

He was the quiet type, not one to easily approach others for help or fall prey to rash decisions. No, he chose his words carefully and sparingly, weaving the most eloquent phrases or witty replies. You always wondered where his mind was behind those scarlet orbs, but it was apparent he never let his guard down no matter how lax he seemed.

He was much more attuned to the sounds of nature. He could hear an intruder from a mile away, smell the faint traces of an abandoned campfire from the night before, and feel the breeze warn him of a distant storm. His observant eye made him an excellent traveling partner, indeed.

Your mother would only let you venture as far as the outskirts of the rural village you called home. But that never stopped the both of you from wandering through the Inazuman wilderness until nightfall, a tattered leather backpack full of the day’s lucky finds strapped to your shoulders and a rusty sword sheathed on your friend’s hip.

You found it quite fitting when you learned of his name the first time you asked him to help carry your precious treasures home. Somehow this mysterious, cream-haired boy had guessed the direction of your hidden trove before you even told him. ‘When I am lost, the winds whisper the way forward,’ he had declared matter-of-factly to your astonished face.

Kaedehara Kazuha. Ten thousand maple leaves, painted with the warm colors of wisdom.

“Here we are!” you announced excitedly, rushing to the small opening in a huge tree with lots of big sprawling roots twisted through the dirt. You quickly stuffed your finds into the little tree hollow next to your myriad of unique rocks and fossils. “Welcome to my secret base, Kazuha. You’re my first visitor ever! So don’t even think about telling anyone else about this place, alright?”

The skinny boy hummed in response, taking in the vast green canopy of the tree. There was a makeshift treehouse stationed high up and he spotted a worn hammock draped from a particularly sturdy branch. “You picked an ideal spot.”

That was the fateful day you and Kazuha became friends.

You were surprised to discover that his imagination was just as wild and boundless as yours, conjuring up far-fetched fantasies of ancient prophecies and protecting you from harm like the gallant knights from your storybooks. He loved roaming the countryside with you. Hand in hand, you’d rush to a shiny treasure that caught your eye from afar and Kazuha would laugh merrily at your adorable antics as you dragged him along.

Sometimes your eager curiosity would get the best of you, suddenly putting you and Kazuha face-to-face with a dangerous foe. When anything dared to attack you, Kazuha would instantly place himself between you and the assailant, dull blade ready to defend you as his most precious friend. Thankfully that didn’t happen often. The worst enemy you encountered was a buried Dendro slime that grew angry after you so rudely stomped on its sprouts in a hurry.

At the end of the day, you were both just lonely kids desperate for an escape from the monotony of reality. Growing up was a scary notion and you weren’t planning on giving up your free-spirited lifestyle anytime soon—or ever.

There was one memory you cherished deeply, when you and Kazuha spent hours recuperating from the day’s excursion in the lofty treehouse. The warm sun hugged the horizon for miles on end as it sank lower and lower, its rays washing the sky in breathtaking watercolor hues. A few of the brightest stars were barely visible in the heavens, and the collective sound of crickets stretching their legs filled the air.

Your treehouse wasn’t anything special, just a small wooden platform with railing. It didn’t have a roof, which was perfect for watching the movements of the night sky amid plenty of sheets and comfy pillows splayed out on the floor. There was no hustle and bustle of the city to interrupt the tranquility of nature. No parents to come running after you, chastising you for who-knows-what.

It was just you and Kazuha, and you preferred it that way.

You recounted the thrilling and unexpected parts of your trek, waving your hands in the air animatedly as Kazuha watched amused. He would poke fun at how you mistook an innocent Geo slime for a idle rock to sit on or how your terrible Hilichurlian impression landed you both in an unusual predicament. You’d deny it and try to brush him off, only for Kazuha to tickle your sides until you admitted to your silly shenanigans.

“Okay, okay, Kazu!” you pleaded between bouts of hard laughter, trying to push his hands away from your sensitive torso.

He stopped as you asked, his own giggles happily humming on his lips as he turned on his side to fully face you, leaning his chubby cheek on his hand. When you met his fond gaze, your heart leapt and your tummy felt strange, almost giddy.

“There are many lands left unseen, many secrets yet uncovered, and many treasures to be had in this world. Like a bird learning to fly, you’ve inspired me to soar beyond the nest and into the unknown,” Kazuha smiled earnestly, casting his expression downward in contented reminiscence with a dusting of pink on his skin. “You are my best friend, (Y/N), and I want to travel the world with you. No matter how long it takes or what happens.”

Immediately your face brightens enthusiastically and Kazuha breathes a small sigh of relief as if it was difficult to finally express himself to you. His proposal had you beaming at the moon hanging above, imagining what it would be like to explore each of the seven nations with Kazuha. With a pleased sigh, your eyes sparkle with the possibilities of the future. “Me too. I wouldn’t have it any other way… Pinky promise me? We’ll be friends forever?”

Nodding, the young boy assured, “I promise.”

Then eventually came the fateful day you didn’t show up to the old maple tree as usual. Kazuha had seen you yesterday, softly bidding you goodnight when you had to return home for dinner. It was a day just like any other, and his mind was already preoccupied with the prospect of tomorrow’s adventures that were just a night’s rest away.

Were you simply running late? Did you get caught up with household chores? Could you have fallen ill this morning?

Kazuha patiently waited under the tree for you to arrive at any moment, but that moment never came. A naturally laid-back person, he decided to assume you were busy and stopped by your house. He took a sneaky glance in the window, but you weren’t there either. Typically your mother stayed to take care of you and the house, yet she wasn’t in the kitchen cleaning up breakfast. In fact, no one was home. And it was barren.

“Excuse me,” Kazuha politely inquired of your neighbor, worried that something bad may have happened to you or your family. “Do you know when the (L/N)s will return home?”

“Oh, dear,” the old woman drawled out, a saddened look on her wrinkled features. “They won’t be coming back anytime soon. I’m afraid they left Inazuma late in the evening yesterday, hun.”

“L-left? For good?” Kazuha’s chest felt tight, his heart cracking at the thought of you no longer with him—his closest traveling partner had simply vanished into thin air. What about the adventure you planned for today? What of your treasures left behind in the old tree hollow? Who would whisk Kazuha away into the vast wilderness searching for fantastical dreams the way you did?

What about the promise you both made?

The awful creak of the elderly woman’s rocking chair snapped Kazuha out of his spiraling thoughts. She nodded feebly, “Yes, dear, I’m sorry.”

He couldn’t bear to stand idle any longer. Before he knew it, his feet had taken him far away, as far as his poor legs would take him with tears quietly streaming down his cheeks. Far away from anything that reminded him of your presence that had been there just the day before. He ran and he ran through forest and thickets until he collapsed at the beach’s edge, ruby-red eyes glassy and blurred.

All he could do is hope that fate would be kind enough to allow your paths to cross again in some corner of the world.

✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧

Liyue Harbor was unlike anything you had ever seen. Streets lined with hundreds of different local businesses, sidewalks crowded with a sea of faces you’d never recognize, and buildings towering several stories connected by strings of paper lanterns. There was never a dull moment with all the holidays, festivals, or competitions going on. It was the biggest city you had ever visited, stretching along the southern coast of Liyue into the huge ocean that separated it from Inazuma.

It had been years since your parents forced you to move to the land of the Geo Archon. Your heart still aches miserably when you’re reminded of everything you left behind, especially the one and only person who lifted you up when the world often weighed you down. You remember how you sobbed so hard and resented your parents for taking your best friend away from you.

You never anticipated that one day might be the final adventure with your beloved comrade. You weren’t given the chance to offer Kazuha a proper goodbye. No exchanging addresses to write one another, no farewell gifts to remember each other by. You couldn’t even stop by the maple tree to pick up your collection as a token of your many adventures.

You always wondered what Kazuha had thought or felt after you left the country out of the blue. It hurt you so bad to think of him. Who was there to guide Kazuha across the treacherous terrain if not you? Who would be the one to help him find rare treasures right beneath his feet? Who would keep him company despite his solitary nature?

Worrying over Kazuha was pointless, you had eventually come to terms with. You’d probably never see him again. Your parents tried to encourage you to make friends in Liyue, but none of them were as eccentric in all the right ways like Kazuha. As you grew older, you became an outcast. It was difficult making friends in a foreign city you never wanted to go to in the first place. City folk wouldn’t understand your love for exploring nature anyway so you busied yourself with work from the Adventurer’s Guild, where at least you could still pursue your passion.

Today Katheryne had tasked you with picking up and delivery a large shipment for Miss Ying’er and her perfume shop from the Crux Fleet. You were quite used to being a postal carrier since the Adventurer’s Guild refused to give you scouting missions because of your insistence on working alone. Apparently Beidou had made the perilous voyage through Inazuma’s tempest for some special circumstance, which included the flora and seedlings Miss Ying’er requested.

You were in the harbor marketplace when the huge ship pulled into the docks, weighing its anchor into the sea. Already, you could see the crew gathering wooden crates and vases, preparing to unload them onto the cobblestone sidewalk. You waved to Beidou, who acknowledged that you were to pick up some of the items.

“Long time no see, (Y/N)!” the captain yelled from aboard her ship. “If you need a helping hand, I’m sure one of my guys wouldn’t mind.”

“Hey, Beidou! Thank you!” you called back, turning your attention to the crewmen placing more crates on the wooden dock.

Suddenly you spotted one with a large flower emblem stamped on the side, so you reach out to ask for the light-haired crew mate to hand it to you. “Oh! Actually, I need that crate please.”

“Of course,” he replied, lifting the crate of flowers back up and turning to you.

As you attempted to position your hands to hold the crate, you spare a passing glance at the man and instantaneously your body freezes in place. The flowers felt unusually heavy in your arms as your lip quivered and heart raced at the impossible revelation before you.

“(Y/N)?” his soothing voice broke the silence. “Is it really you?”

The mysterious crew mate’s soft gaze bore into you with a peculiar familiarity, like he could see the years of repressed thoughts, feelings, and longing rush back through you. Was this man before you actually who you think it is? How could he bear to speak to you after your sudden disappearance? The idea of looking him in the eyes again, facing so much guilt but also so much happiness at the same time left you utterly terrified.

Slowly, you gathered the courage to meet his patient expression. You couldn’t believe he was right here in front of you, just handing you a crate of flowers. He could’ve been anywhere in Teyvat, for all you knew. But he was here with you again, after everything.

You noticed how his hair had grown much longer, tied back into a lazy ponytail, with a long scarlet highlight on the side. He had the appearance of a wanderer with a much nicer blade resting on his hip than you last remembered. There was something different about the way he carried himself, but you couldn’t quite place it. When you saw a glowing Anemo vision clipped next to a faded one, you understood.

“Kazuha?” you breathed in shock, uncertain of his reaction.

Swiftly, he set aside the crate and embraced you in a surprisingly tight hug, holding you so close as if to keep you with him a bit longer—to make sure you were real. Kazuha buried his nose deep into your shoulder and you wrapped your arms around him, rubbing his back in small motions. You smelled like home, a nostalgic reminder of all those days spent exploring the secrets of Inazuma in his distant childhood.

Quickly separating himself from you in embarrassment, Kazuha bowed apologetically. “I-I’m sorry, I just… It’s you. I’ve missed you dearly, comrade. I never imagined I would find you in Liyue after all these years.”

“No, no,” you cried frantically, shaking your head. “K-Kazuha, if anything, I should be apologizing to you. I… I left you. My parents wouldn’t let me say goodbye. I didn’t even have time to write a note to you. I—”

You began to panic from so many conflicting emotions flooding you, hot tears threatening to spill and an anxious lump restricting your voice. Kazuha instantly reached out to pull your hands away from your distraught face gently, whispering to you, “(Y/N), dove, there’s no need to cry over me. I forgive you, okay? Let’s take care of these crates and we can catch up.”

Once you both delivered Miss Ying’er’s shipment, you invited Kazuha to watch the twilight descending over Liyue Harbor from the cliffs north of the city. You could not stop your heart from thumping with excitement, or maybe anxiety, every time you accidentally brushed hands trekking up the mountainous path. It was as if there weren’t years of separation, and you were silently thankful that Kazuha was an understanding person.

When you reached the ideal spot, you sat in the wild flowers and grass together overlooking Liyue. The crickets were waking up, and you were reminded of your favorite evening with Kazuha so long ago. How he teased and tickled you, a cute blush tinting his cheeks, promising to stay by your side forever. You wondered if he held those memories as fondly as you.

“I’m happy to see you faring well,” Kazuha hums thoughtfully, reveling in the warmth of the setting sun. He peeks an eye open to catch your reddened face, smiling that clever smile of his. “My memory pales in comparison to your lovely visage.”

“And you still have such a poetic tongue,” you roll your eyes and laugh lightly, leaning toward him teasingly to nudge his shoulder with yours. “I always loved that about you. I missed the way you’d talk about our adventures with your pretty words.”

“You know, I’ve always kept one of our treasures with me. Would you like to see it?” he asked.

Your face brightens, looking Kazuha over to see if you recognized any embellishments that might resemble one of your precious tokens. “Really? Yes, show me.”

From beneath his clothes, he pulled out a black necklace with a single piece of polished jade resting against his chest. He fingered the stone affectionately before turning to you, who had leaned even closer to take a look at the treasure. Though you cannot tell, Kazuha’s heart leapt too.

“I like to think this little charm brought me a sense of peace. I didn’t want to forget you,” he admitted sheepishly, letting his voice trail off softly. For a moment, his lips parted but he dismissed the idea with an embarrassed shake of his head.

“Kazuha,” you call to him delicately, attempting to catch sight of his wine-crimson irises beneath his fluffy bangs. “I’m glad we found each other again. I don’t think I could stand to be without you again.”

“Then let’s never part again, dove,” Kazuha grabs both of your hands in his and caresses them lovingly, searching your eyes for any sign of discontent or hesitation at his advance. Although his nerves make him feel shaky, he has to put his mind and heart to rest once and for all. “On one condition…”

“Let me call you mine.”

thanks for reading! reblogs are appreciated! my masterlist

[language-sanctuary]

Hi, I need some advice pls! I love studying languages (it's one of my biggest special interests!) so naturally I have a big list of languages I want to eventually study in my bucket list. I don't care much for speaking said languages necessarily, but I love being able to read every book I can get to in their original language (reading translations just doesn't compare).

What I need help deciding is: should I try study English for real (I learned to speak/read it just by forcing my way into books/movies & forcing exposure with people in online communities) or should I go for one of the other languages in my list (since I already have a pretty good handle of what I do know of English)?

I'm a bit frustrated because while I do know my way around informal conversation and language in general, if I try to read anything more formal/complicated (like old books or research papers) it just doesn't work... So do you think it's worth it, to get better at what I already know instead of jumping to something new now? And if it is, do you have any tips of interesting books and resources to learn English? Most of what I find usually starts with the pretty basics of "English for foreigners" type of stuff and it's really boring for me.

Anyway sorry for the gigantic message and thanks in advance!!!!

Hello! Sorry for taking such a long time to answer, I hope you don’t mind! 

I really relate to the “reading books untranslated” being your main reason to want to learn languages. I think it’s very useful to have specific goals very early in your language learning journey so you can adapt the learning method, and there isn’t a “valid” or “invalid” reason to learn languages. 

In reference to your English level, I think you sound like a native! If you aren’t planning on working in an academic environment that would require you to have Bussiness English level skills, I don’t think you should worry too much about actively working on your English skills. Personally, nowadays I just consume English media and I learn things here and there, but my learning has been passive for a lot of years now (which is the level that I want to get to with French, so I can consume media without actually writing stuff down).

If you like reading, I think starting with English literature (especially the “classics”) could be beneficial for you to learn more complex sentence structures, become familiarized with formal language, and add a couple of words to your vocabulary. I do really enjoy reading classics but they ARE a bit of a workout for me, which means I need to practice the skills I just mentioned. If you need some specific recommendations let me know!  

If you do want to improve grammar-wise, try to identify fossilized errors and make it a point to correct yourself (for me these are mainly pronunciation) or actively practice words or sentence structures that you struggle with (for me it was “awkward” for a long time, and now I have to pause for a second and remember it’s spelled “genuinely”). If you feel weary phrasing things in a certain way, it’s very probable that your brain doesn’t want to use that specific word or sentence structure because you are not familiar with it, and that’s when you know where you’re lacking practice.

I really recommend learning your next language in a language you are passively practicing, it makes things more fun and will help you retain it better. You can always change the plan even if you have already started, I think personally I forget that if I make the lesson plans, I can change the way I am studying if I don’t like it as nothing is set in stone. 

Let me know how everything goes, good luck! 

[musedblues]

Born To Love You [Part: 5]

summary: When Gwilym ropes you into a lie, the truth becomes painfully obvious. When Joe makes things harder, there’s no telling if he even has a clue.

w/c: 5k

a/n: I hear a lot of you wishing and hoping for a happy ending but it's just not coming... yet. I AM sorry in advance. And I'm also in love with everyone who's stuck around so far and said such lovely things. Thanks as always, dears! Can't wait to hear what you lot think of this one 💖

Part 6

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

"Wait, just one second!" Gwilym jogged across the car park, slinging the bag he carried off of his shoulder in a hurry to find it's contents. Simultaneously, he stopped Joe in his meander off the set. Gwilym hoped his friend's slow pace meant he didn't have anything better to do.

"I need you to do me a favor." Gwilym addressed the auburn-haired fellow, close enough by now to bypass standard greetings. Joe nodded, wordlessly accepting whatever it was while Gwilym dug around in his bag until he found what he was looking for.

"Y/n knows I'm off with Ben, but we've got to go a bit earlier than planned. Can you please take these things back to her?" Gwil started, unveiling a much smaller bag full of toddler essentials, some of which you'd be missing if Gwil left town with them.

"Sure thing," Joe agreed, albeit pensively. Gwilym let out a breath and a thank you as he clasped his bag back together, in a rush to see a game with Ben a few towns away.

Ben had invited you on the surprise sports venture, too. But Olive hadn't been easy to handle the past few days. And you knew you'd be spending most of the game toting the kid around the parked cars to keep her whines from upsetting spectators.

Cold rain had come to stay, and your best attempts at keeping the babe from going stir crazy were wearing thin. When there was a knock at the door, you figured Gwilym was there to trade goodbyes with Ben in tow. But no one came hurling in after the polite warning, and you opened the door to find a slightly more pleasant surprise.

"Hi." Joe shrugged, not quite smiling. Seemingly not quite sure why he was there. "Gwil and Ben just left. He wanted me to bring you this." Joe extended the small tote of emergency toys and distractions.

"Oh, thank God." You sighed. The majority of your time spent with Gwilym had usually included trading such things back and forth. You thanked the heavens that Joe was the middle man, taking the bag from his grasp. Inside were two teething toys you'd been missing all day long. You'd give them to Olive as a last-ditch attempt to soothe this evenings lackluster.

But when you glanced down to the babe at your feet, she was using your legs to steady herself as she stood, waving to Joe with a smile on her face. Hardly a trace of her moodiness remained as Joe let his brooding smile bloom into a real genuine one as he waved back to your daughter.

"I just picked up dinner. Let me fix you some?" You suggested, offering without thinking. It was your nature to extend such invitations at times like this one. But everything was always different with Joe. You couldn't tell up from down when he stood just near. And he didn't even try and put up a fight, even though it looked like he wanted to for a nanosecond. He agreed. When Joe stepped past the entrance and into your rented living room, whether he knew it or not, he crossed a very real line.

As you led him toward the kitchen, you rambled only about the things nearly finished cooking in the oven. A mix of veggies you'd never whipped up before. A dish, according to Joe, he'd always wanted to try. You joked for a while about fate, and how everything seemed to always happen for a reason, from dinner plans to trips to London.

When the time came to eat, you noshed between conversation, leafing through topics with ease. You'd done this before, together. And you realized your heart hadn't tried to beat out of your chest the whole time he was near, that afternoon. Because ever since Joe's birthday, you'd never shaken the steady ache for him. You'd settled into the feeling now, and having Joe around was strangely a comfort, his presence aided your pain, now, even though he caused it all the same.

Olive was finally content, for the first time in a week, with the toys you'd finally got your hands on. It wasn't always that you felt fine enough to leave her be in front of the telly, but she was perfectly gratified watching an old film, curled against the pillows and blankets you set up for her. And because you could see her perfectly well from the balcony, and the air was surprisingly warm for an autumn evening, you invited Joe to step out for a drink.

He followed your lead with caution, watching where you moved before he moved too. Joe thanked you for the drinks and settled across the tiny table in the only other chair you weren't occupying.

And yet, past the anxious glares, held breaths, and hidden blushes, your conversation never faltered. He asked about your life, you asked about his. You complained about silly things, he joked along with you. Olive fell asleep against her throne of blankets as you sipped your drinks, afraid for the bottles to empty, surely signaling the end of the evening.

The time on your phone read one in the morning, but you pretend you don't notice. And if Joe did, he pretended he hadn't, either.

The fun (if that's what you could call it) ended only when the front door creaked open and Gwil crept inside. He turned his gaze toward the patio as if he'd been expecting to see you and Joe there all along.

"I should go. It's late." Joe hummed, resting his drink on the table between the two of you.

But Gwil popped his head out into the warm night with a sweeping wave of his hand.

"No, no it's fine, finish your beer. I'm knackered. G'night." Gwilym spoke as if he'd rehearsed the line one too many times, his voice flat and dull. He hadn't even looked right at you the entire couple minutes he'd been home. As he shut the sliding door and turned to head to bed, the man gave a little expression of assurance that was too obviously forced. Your fake husband's hurry off to bed without you, and his strange insistence for Joe to stick around was barely coy.

As you and the man with fossil toned eyes settled back against the patio seats, an awkward silence nearly suffocated you. It was not suddenly strange. It had always been strange. Only unavoidable, now.

"Is everything... okay?" Joe dared to ask in a low, wavering tone.

"Everything... is simply not as it seems. Much worse, really." You laughed a little, barely, but it wasn't funny. And Joe clearly realized just how serious you were.

But instead of asking or pushing you to go on, Joe just gave a micro nod, as if he already knew. And when you changed the subject, giggling over something Lucy said, Joe let himself laugh too, as you both took the last sips of your drinks.

When Joe left, he lingered in the doorway as you said goodbye, and he exchanged the exact same parting phrase. And when he walked away, you let yourself wish for a nanosecond that he wasn't leaving.

///

"I'm going out with Ben again! Don't know when I'll be back, okay bye!" Gwilym spun out of the door, dressed to the nines, offering no explanation.

And all morning long, between a lazy breakfast and a lethargic movie marathon with your daughter clamoring from one lap to another, you and Gwilym never spoke much about anything to each other. While you realized there wasn't much more to discuss or argue over than hadn't already been hashed out, you hadn't expected Gwilym to just up and leave without a good reason or proper goodbye.

You cursed his name under your breath as you turned off the telly. As you ate lunch alone, you noticed the sun was peeking through the clouds for the first time in forever, and Olive was waking up from her nap with a bored cry.

You could go out too, ya know?

///

"Here, some leftovers." You extended a neatly wrapped plate of food to Joe, who stood wide-eyed in his maroon doorway. You'd never been to his Airbnb before now. You'd had rules you wouldn't let yourself break, before now.

Joe took the plate with a meek thanks, then asked if everything was alright.

"Yeah, yeah. I simply couldn't finish those by myself," You explained. Gwilym was missing dinner, again. "And it's finally nice out. Is there a park around here?" You wondered, shifting Olive in your arms.

"Uh... uh yeah. Just a block away actually. That way." Joe pointed, stuttering in place. You looked in the direction he pointed and hummed. As you turned slightly, planning to go enjoy yourself for once, you looked back to Joe.

"You comin'?"

"Oh, uh, ye-yeah. Sure. Hang on." Joe looked to the plate of food in his hand and nodded before spinning inside, leaving the front door wide open.

You totted Olive back to the rented car Gwilym had left behind, biting back a smirk.  

Joe came out moments after you'd situated Olive in her seat, sporting an old sweatshirt and a curious expression. He gave you directions to the park he knew was around the corner while your knuckles went white around the steering wheel.

How was something so easy, so hard? Being around Joe was like choking on a breath of fresh air.

And while you subconsciously relished the sound of his voice telling you where to go, you were both disappointed when you arrived. The park was small and flooded with rainwater from the week long downpour. Joe started to apologize on behalf of mother nature. You just backed out onto the road and said something about knowing a better place, offering to bring him along if he still so desired.

Joe didn't say no. He slumped deeper into the passenger seat, glancing to the buildings and people rushing by with umbrellas. His lips curled into a smile every time Olive babbled from the back. You noticed her in the mirror, and encouraged the girl to go on pointing things out in her own watered-down language.

By the time you made it to the park you'd become most acquainted with on your trip, you'd let yourself stop questioning the peace that had washed over the day, and tried your damnedest to embrace it.

Olive was content, truly happy as you pushed her in a swing just her size. Joe took photos of the slowly setting sun, painting the sky in streaks of gold and purple. And when he settled by your side once more, you picked up on one of those conversations the two of you had so easily. There was almost nothing you couldn't talk about. Almost. But your chatter wasn't enough to keep you warm when the wind picked up and turned Olives nose red.

Joe stayed with her while you went to search the car for an extra layer to keep your daughter warm, but you came up short. He was holding her close when you stepped onto the mulch, and it was Joe who insisted you go back to your rented flat to fetch another jacket or two.

You apologized on the ride, saying something about how you just wanted to have a good day. How you felt badly for dragging Joe into poorly made plans just because you didn't have anything better to do. Leaving out the bit about how you were secretly scared this would be one of the last times you'd get to be around the guy before you went home.

Joe just chuckled, assuring that you had nothing to apologize for, saying something about the spontaneous trip being a pleasant surprise, how he was still having a nice time. You couldn't understand why.

When you made it back to your rented flat, you wrestled Olive into a sweater, and asked Joe if he fancied a cup of tea before you ventured back out. He happily accepted the offer, sitting on your sofa like he was actually comfortable in the place that belonged to neither of you.

"Where is Gwilym tonight?" Joe asked through a humorless laugh. You rolled your eyes, looking back to see your daughter had roped Joe into helping her set up a team of blocks. He worked deliberately to balance a few, not looking your way.

"Your guess is as good as mine." You sighed, moving the kettle full of water and turning the burner on. Olive handed Joe more blocks, and he asked for her help arranging them. You pulled your phone from your pocket to distract yourself from the feelings sprouting in your chest; and to confirm your suspicion.

"He left forever ago and hasn't answered my texts." You sighed, glancing at the couple messages you'd sent Gwilym before you'd left on your own, simply wondering when he'd be back, hardly caring where he'd run off too. He'd seen your messages, leaving hours to pass without a response.  

When you rested your phone on the counter with a huff, Joe stood.

"Are you okay, y/n?" He asked, stepping over toys to meet you in the kitchen. You ran your hands through your hair, resisting the urge to pull it all out in a frustrated fit.

"I don't know. I really don't know." You admitted. How had you ended up here? "I don't know where Gwilym is. And I don't know why I'm so upset about it. I should be used to it! We've never spent this much time together. But he just had to tell-"

You stopped rambling just in time, casting your furrowed brow to your feet as you let out a laugh to disguise your desire to scream. After your vexation hung in the air for a beat too long Joe spoke up again.

"You don't have to tell me anything. It's not my place... I shouldn't have asked-" Joe started to take back his concern. You hated the way he subtracted the value of his words when he assumed they didn't sit well with you.

"I wish you knew how badly I want to tell you the truth." You stupidly confessed, looking up to Joe, exhausted by the effort it took to keep your eyes from locking with his.

Joe didn't ask what you meant or urge you to say anything further. He just clenched his jaw and seemed to make a decision. You watched him blink, just before he pulled you into a hug. A real one. Nothing like the sorry embrace he dealt you before you all left the woods, last weekend.

And you let yourself hug him back now, as you'd always wanted too. Because somewhere deep down you knew this was it. Maybe not the last hug, but certainly the best by far. Maybe not the embrace you wished you could convey your feelings through, but the closest you'd allowed yourself to come, yet. The closest you might ever be allowed.

"I'm sorry... for whatever it is," Joe spoke, in a low soothing rumble.

"I'm more sorry, trust me." You replied, voice muffled against his warm sweatshirt. You hated lying to Joe. Even though you hadn't known another reality since the day you met, it felt worse every day.

He was the first to break, moving away slowly like maybe he didn't want to. And you couldn't even fool yourself into believing you'd been imagining things. Not with the way Joe lingered so close, still. Not with the way his hand delayed on your arm, fingers nearly curling into a clutch. Joe was barely an inch from you. You could feel when he held his breath. You watched his focus zero in on your lips and you felt your jaw slack ever slightly. You watched him start to drift closer. And then the tea kettle whistled to life.

The hiss of steam became louder as your senses adjusted back to reality. Joe had yet to break his stare on you, but the spell had been broken, for good. Joe's breath felt colder, and your future seemed less bright than moments ago.

"I should go. I'm going."

He stepped back, yanking your heart out.

"Let me give you a ride." You breathed, turning off the stove and glancing to where you tossed the keys as Joe kept moving toward the door.

"No, that's okay. I'll get a ride." Joe nodded your way reaching for the handle.

"Joe," You spoke his name in a plea to stop him, though you didn't know why. Your stomach twisted in knots the longer you looked at him.

"Goodnight, y/n." Joe offered, before opening the door and closing it behind himself before you could follow and stop him in time. His absence was sudden and hung heavy in the air. Olive stood from her place on the floor and fixated her stare on the door, much like yours. When she realized Joe wasn't coming back, the babe broke into cries like she did when one of her parents abandoned her with the other.

Now everything was fucked. You'd truly and utterly fucked everything all the way up.

///

After putting Olive to bed, the quiet home made your thoughts much too loud. Instead of going on tossing and turning, you shuffled into the living room and flipped through telly channels. Hardly paying attention, just looking for the right noise to drown out the racket running through your mind.

The only sound that broke through your self-pity was the door creaking open. You didn't need to look at a clock to know it was the witching hour. Gwilym tried to keep quiet as he shut the door, but jumped in surprise to see you curled on the sofa, still mindlessly pressing the remote buttons.

"Christ, you're still up?" He asked, shedding his jacket and leaving it to hang by the door. You didn't respond.

"I'm sorry I never texted. I know I should have." Gwilym sighed. He was right, but your anger with him had long fizzled away.

"It's okay." You said simply, keeping your eyes on the screen in front of you.

"What's wrong?" Gwilym asked in a worried manner, moving to sit on the opposite end of the sofa, turning to face you. You glanced his way, considering his genuine expression, and then turned back to the telly, because you couldn't look at Gwil as you started to tell him about your night.

You left out most of the details, but you told Gwilym what happened. How you and Joe nearly kissed. How he left in a flash. How none of it mattered because you and Olive were leaving in a couple of days. You'd be out of the way and Gwilym could go on making his film without worrying about you muffing up the act he kept up off the set.

Gwilym chanted apologies as you retracted back inside your head. You stayed quiet, curled against a throw pillow while your fake husband offered to do something to make this all better. And while Gwilym decided your silence was submission, you both knew there was no use. Not anymore.

///

The next day you stayed in until the very last minute you were meant to be on your way to fetch Gwilym from the set. When you got there, you hurried in with your head down, taking the quickest route to his trailer.

Luckily, Gwilym was already on his way out, greeting you with an oddly excitable smile.

"What?" You asked anxiously, watching Gwilym reach out to your daughter in your grasp, tucking back a bit of her growing hair

"This was always meant to be our last big night out and I think we should still go to have a nice, big dinner. But I was thinking maybe you could stay another week or so. I've been thinking we could-"

"Gwilym. Please don't make this harder than it has to be." You grinned with a sorry shake of your head, moving to walk out with him.

"It doesn't have to be hard." Gwilym insisted, keeping his pace in time with yours.

"We have to go home!" You made yourself clear, stopping to look up at the guy with pleading eyes. He couldn't possibly want to keep this up, either.

"I can't do this anymore."  You implored. You'd met your wits' end. Your heart was no longer on the line. It was crushed.

You turned away from Gwil with tears in your eyes, in a hurry to make it back to the car. But it was too late. Ben came floating around the corner, his bright smile faltering when he noticed you, asking what the matter was. You shook your head out of fear if you opened your mouth, you'd only burst into sobs.

And as Ben moved away, he called out in concern to the guy who was meant to be following you.

"Gwilym, mate, why is your wife crying? Is everything-"

Gwilym's immediate and booming response stopped you in your tracks.

"We're not married!"

The battered up remains of your heart slammed to the ground as you froze in place. Oh shit.

"I lied. I'm at fault here, so don't go thinking less of her." Gwilym spoke to Ben, who went silent. As you stalled, stunned, Olive burst into tears, and a hand fell feather-light against your shoulder.

Lucy came into your view, and with one silent look, she escorted you further from the boys and out of the heavy stage doors.

Just as you turned to exit, you spotted a familiar face a few feet away. Joe was standing near the empty stage holding a canvas bag over his shoulder and looking at you with a slack jaw. You hadn't seen him since he fled your kitchen. And now, you knew he'd finally understood what you were trying to say to him that night. He'd clearly heard what just happened.

You were quick to snap your gaze away from his, and follow Lucy out of the place. Olive was crying in one ear, and you could hear Gwilym begin some sort of impassioned speech in the distance. The sun was bright, but not on your side, today.

Lucy slipped into your passenger seat as you buckled a fussy Olive into her car seat. She immediately settled when you handed her one of your old tshirts that was always a Godsend during times like these. Your daughter was subdued to tired whines as you shut the back door and hurried to the driver's side.

"What the fucking hell is going on, darling?" Lucy gave you a bewildered smile as you rested your head against the seat with a sigh. You pressed the heels of your hands to your eyes, pushing tears away. Lucy should be fumming. She should be in the middle of shouting horrid things at you. But she was reaching out to you. She was still a better friend than you, or most anybody deserved.

"Are you ready for a really long and stupid story?" You raised your brows toward Lucy who was literally on the edge of her seat.

You started with how you met Gwilym at one of your flatmate's wild parties. How you both got to know each other over summer bashes and started hooking up when you were both drunk enough. How you and Gwil gave each other a sober shot. You explained your decision to keep the baby you'd accidentally brought along, and how good Gwilym was to you. How you'd settled into a strange little family who slept in different places but spent every other minute together.

Lucy stopped you every now and again to ask questions and laugh out loud. Because the story was ridiculous. And you laughed too. Somehow Olive fell asleep to the tune of your storytelling, but Lucy was hanging on your every word.

"So you're not even really together then, are you?" Lucy realized, giving you a look.

"Never have been, no." You groaned. "He shouldn't have lied. But it's always been easier to leave all explanations aside. The lines were already blurred. We always sat too close together and held hands in crowded spaces. But we shouldn't have gone on lying." You began, turning further to face Lucy.

"I stooped to his level to save his ass. That's all that really happened. And I'm so sorry for it." You explained. Lucy offered you a sip of the iced coffee she'd brought along and placed in the cupholder between the two of you. You gratefully take a swig.

"So that's why everything exploded then. Because you're not meant to truly be together." Lucy spoke like she'd seen the light. But that wasn't exactly it. You and Gwil already knew there was no chance for the two of you. But you'd been friends and co-parents long enough to function as a pair.

"Gwil and I probably would have kept up lying without a hitch if... well, if it wasn't for Joe." You swallowed your nerves as you shot Lucy a timid smile.

"Oh my God." Lucy gave a hint of a nod as she gaped your way. The realization hit her like a ton of bricks. The awkward air between you and Joe must have been noticeable. But to a girl who had become your friend, it was clear as day, now.

Slowly, and with a great deal of caution, you began to explain your scattered feelings. And describing your situation to someone who wasn't involved lifted a weight off your shoulders. It wasn't a heavy secret to carry anymore. But a broken puzzle full of pieces that weren't made to fit together.

"Well, shit." Lucy sighed, once you'd laid everything on the table. Your friend raised a brow and looked to you for one more answer.

"What now?" Just as she asked, you spotted Gwilym walking up to the car, sporting a long face.

"I go home." You glanced toward Lucy. She made a frustrated grumble as she opened the door and hopped onto the solid ground.

"Well keep me updated, please," Lucy asked. "And if you don't come to tell me goodbye tomorrow, I'll be pissed!" The blonde hissed, grabbing her iced coffee, and kissing the air in your direction.

"I love you." You giggled with relief.

Lucy left the passenger door open as Gwilym dragged his feet towards where she left. She stopped Gwil in his tracks with a hand in his shoulder. He seemed to brace himself, and you wondered what the others had said to Gwilym that left him in such a disposition.

Lucy simply brought each of her index fingers to Gwil's cheeks and turned the corners of his mouth up in a foe smile. She gave an approving nod before skipping back inside the studio where no one else had yet to come out.

Gwilym clamored into the passenger seat without a word. The smile Lucy gave him had slowly deflated and he looked to you with a thousand words on his lips that he couldn't yet form.

"Let's have that nice dinner, huh?" You offered softly, starting the engine to the car.

///

"How's things?" You greeted Gwilym in his trailer for the last time, asking one thousand questions in one. He was wearing that silly wig and eyes you might have mistaken for sleepy, if you hadn't known how vapid he'd been feeling the past twenty-four hours.

"Lucy is waiting for you outback. There's a bonfire." Gwilym flashed you a tired smile, taking Olive from your grasp. You realized he was staying put, and that you were only on set to fulfill your promise to Lucy. You nodded toward Gwil in thanks, and hurried out of the trailer, around the back lot to find the blonde girl dancing around a burning fire with a few of the stagehands. They each greeted you warmly, just like always.

And when she saw you, Lucy spun to throw herself in your arms.

"As the lovers collided so did the ocean waves." Lucy pretended to swoon hanging off of you. "Oh, did she heave-ho."

"My dearest darling, what will my heart beat for in your absence?" You smiled, holding Lucy up as she lost her balance in your arms. With a shared giggle, she was on her feet once more, looking you dead in the eye. The time for cheesy romance lines had long gone.

"I know I asked for a goodbye, but I've changed my mind. I want you to promise I'll see you again soon. Honestly." Lucy arched her brows and nodded your way. It wasn't a sweet sentiment. It was a genuine demand to keep your friendship afloat. You'd already RSVPed for her sister's gallery opening, anyhow.

"I promise." You agreed, clinging to her slim shoulders.

"Good. Because you have an event to attend in January." She pulled you into a tight hug, as the other's voices dissipated, leaving the fireside.

When you pulled away from your hug, everyone had slowly tricked away. But someone was approaching the abandoned party, stalling to stand alone. It was Joe.

Lucy noticed your perturbed gaze and gave you a final nod, before skipping away from the bonfire. How silly to let something burn with no one around to enjoy it, you thought, scanning the now-empty space. Joe was in his normal clothes, a tshirt, and jeans. He kept an unreadable gaze on you as he came to a standstill a couple of steps away.

"Where's Olive?" He asked like he was genuinely concerned by her absence.

"With Gwil." You sheepishly noted, daring to look Joe in the eye. You knew he knew everything. You even figured he might have known some things you didn't realize. This was your first exchange since he nearly kissed you. Since you nearly let him. The space between you now was just as cool as it wound up being that night.

"Well, I've got a train to catch." You decided because withering under Joe's frighteningly undecipherable gaze was about to make your chest cave in.

"I guess this is goodbye then, huh Mrs. Lee?" Joe's tone was mixed up, sad, and angry and confused all at once. Your heart plummeted at the sound of the name you asked him never to call you.

"I'm really fucking sorry for lying to you." You spoke up a little louder in an effort to keep your voice from cracking. "You don't deserve to ever be lied to. I wish we met differently, Joe. I'm so fucking sorry." You slowly backed away from the bonfire light and Joe took one step toward you, as if to ask you to wait up.

That's when Ben suddenly appeared, fuming. "Gwil deserved the family you lied about having, you know?"

You jumped a little, surprised by his appearance as he cursed at you. You hadn't heard or seen him coming. He was just there with balled up fists and a windblown wig. And Ben was right. Gwilym deserved the perfect life. The same one you'd always envisioned for yourself. He was a trophy father. And a damn good friend. You weren't.

"Whoa, Ben-" Joe spoke up, stepping a little closer to you, with actual fire reflecting in his glossy gaze. Your hurt feelings were ever so slightly numbed by his protective stance. But Ben was right.

"I know, Ben." You nodded. "I'm so sorry. Don't let my stupid actions affect your relationship with Gwil. He loves you, for real."

Your throat grew tight as you spun in a hurry to leave. The gravel crunched under your feet while you stormed back around the trailers to find Gwilym.

But you'd seen Rami first. He was still dressed as Freddie, and chattering to his assistant in a thick accent, past a fake mustache. You knew that somewhere past all the method acting, that Rami knew about everything that happened in the past 24 hours. Because Lucy knew. She knew everything.

You cast your eyes toward your feet, praying you wouldn't catch Ramis glare if he chose to look at you. Even though you knew he'd never broken his character from Freddie on set, you could feel Rami notice you.

"You're leaving?" The dark-headed man stopped you in your tracks, gently grabbing your shoulders and dropping his accent. The shift in character chilled you to the bone.

"Yeah, I gotta go home." You whisper looking into Rami's starry eyes. You could see he wanted to talk, but you could only pull him into a very tight, very brief hug. And it was then that you realized you were leaving this place. And these people. You tried to hide the tears building up in your eyes as you gave Rami a very weak goodbye and scampered off to the trailer you left Gwilym in.

He was changed back into glasses and a ball cap, packing Olives toys back in her bag. You didn't even realize that you'd let a couple of tears fall until Gwilym glanced up and gave you a look you recognized from days gone by...

"I'm so sorry Y/N." He opened his arms toward you. How was he to know that his castmates were going to become his very best friends? How was he to know you'd fall in love with them all as well? He was only thinking of himself. He was selfish. He hated to see you cry.

"Me too." You rang. Gwil had only panicked. He wasn't perfect. And you did love him. You tried your best to make that work. But it wasn't enough. You'd let him down and he uttered the truth from rock bottom, last minute. All you could do now was fall against Gwil's chest and reign your sniffles in. His heart broke as his hands carded through your hair. He didn't want you to leave like this.

But you did. You had too. Neither of you said very much as Gwilym helped you load up your luggage. Fuller, with gemstone decorated handbag Lucy gifted you the first night you met, and Olives new oversized plush penguin from the aquarium.

Gwilym held your hand on the rainy ride toward the train station. He hugged his daughter goodbye and promised you both he'd be home for Christmas. You clung to Gwilym before your train rolled in. You would miss his comfort in the months to come. Even when he was the one who caused you such trouble, he was the first to try and make it better. And his attempts were usually successful.

You watched him watch you leave, feeling all too much like something bigger than what the two of you shared had broken and shattered with your parting.

Olive usually cried on long rides away from Gwilym. Now, she slept soundly at your side while the roles reversed, tears staining your cheeks before the train was too far from the city.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

taglist: @sonic-volcano @imtheinvisiblequeen @redspecialty @itscale @stardust-killer-queen @joemazzelo @dancetohotspace @kiwi-hardy @joeneslee @borhapqueen92@im-an-adult-ish @johndeaconshands @seven-seas-of-ham-on-rhye@beepbeephardy @slutforbritdick @joemazzmatazz @almightygwil  @sadhwstudent @freakibanana @lelifesaver​ @drummah-in-a-rocknroll-band​

[heliosphoenix]

State of the Planet: 2020 Edition.

I know what you're thinking.

"How can you even think of doing one of these for this year? After everything that happened? You can't possibly be trying to do your little feel-good writeup!" 

Well...you're right. I can't. That's right, State of the Planet is cancelled.

I don't really have to explain why, do I? I have no words to describe this year and I know you don't want to hear them anyway. I understand your anger, your frustration, your sadness, everything you're feeling, I get it.

This wasn't the year you imagined and almost certainly not the one you wanted. Thanks for being there the entire way, and I'll see you next year.

Okay, I'm just kidding. I couldn't do that to you folks, I just wanted to get some more mileage out of a dead meme.

I first started this missive several years ago when I noticed that people were developing a tendency to condense the previous lap around the ol Sun into a series of terrible, horrible, no good very bad events at the expense of anything good that may have happened. I don't know why this was done, maybe as a ways to ensure that the coming year would have to be better by default.

Well...we all saw how that worked out for this year, didn't we?

As you all know I prefer to do things differently. I prefer to go out on a high note and remember all the good things that happened in the past year. If nothing else, I think it helps remind us that as much as we want to bemoan and be pessimistic about the state of our culture, society, civilization and even species, there's plenty of evidence to suggest we're not doing so bad after all.

And even thought it feels like this past year the world went out of its way to teach us some rather harsh lessons, I'm still determined to find something good that happened. So let's take a look back at some of the good things that happened in 2020:

A circumbinary planet was discovered at the TOI 1338 system.

Luxembourg became the first country to make it's public transportation free.

The Bhadla Solar Park became the largest solar park in the world.

The BepiColumbo space probe departed for Venus, en route to an arrival at Mercury in 2025.

A fast radio burst was detected from a Magnetar in the Milky Way, the first time such an event has been detected in the Galaxy.

A team of British and Kenyan scientists discovered a microbe that can block mosquitos from transmitting malaria.

A black hole was discovered in the QV Telescopii system, at 1120 light years away it is the closest known black hole to Earth.

A 425 million year old fossil of a millipede was discovered in Scotland, one of the oldest fossils ever found.

SpaceX launched their Dragon 2 spacecraft on its first crewed missions, the first astronauts to launch from US soil since 2011.

The Perseverance rover was launched to Mars and is expected to touch down in February.

The Barakah nuclear power plant in the UAE became the first operational nuclear power plant in the Arab states.

Wild polio was eradicated from the continent of Africa.

Skeletons of 31 prehistoric animals, including 200 mammoths, were found at a construction site in Mexico City, it was the largest finding of mammoth bones ever.

The 5.37 mile La Linea highway tunnel was opened in Colombia, it's the largest road tunnel in South America.

Kosovo, Serbia, Sudan and Bahrain all decided to normalize their relations with Israel.

Phosphine, a strong predictor of microbiological life, was discovered in the atmosphere of Venus.

Preserved remains of a cave bear were discovered in Siberia.

A 1634 edition of Shakespeare's final play, The Two Noble Kingsman, was discovered at the Royal Scots College's library in Spain.

The OSIRIS-REx spacecraft landed on the asteroid Bennu and collected samples for return to Earth in 2023.

The Falkland Islands were declared free of land mines.

Molecular water was detected near Clavius crater on the Moon. 

An AI algorithm called AlphaFold was able to figure out the process of Protein Folding. 

The UN commission on Narcotic Drugs removed cannabis from its list of dangerous drugs.

The EU committed themselves to reducing greenhouse emissions by 55% over the next decade.

A Great Conjunction between Jupiter and Saturn occurred, the closest one seen in the night sky since 1226.

Comet NEOWISE passed by the Earth and was the brightest comet in the night sky since Hale-Bopp in 1997.

Among Us became one of the most popular games in the world.

Half Life: Alyx was released, the first Half Life game in 13 years (FINALLY).

Joe Biden was elected as the 46th President of the United States.

Remember all that? Good. Because that's where I'm at.

You, dear reader, are in the future. Perhaps you're reading this in the final hours of 2020, or the first hours of 2021. Or maybe so much time has passed that both those years are now confined to the history books.

Perhaps everything I listed above is not enough to overcome all the bad things that happened this year, and that's a fair assessment. Maybe at the end of the day there's nothing that can overshadow the fact that someone in China who ate the wrong bat resulted in the entire world coming to a stop. If that's your feeling, then I understand completely.

But let the record show that those things did happen. In a year full of chaos and uncertainty and anxiety and dread, there were still moments where we could objectively punch our fists in the air and say "yes!" Even if only for a moment.

So now comes the part where I have to take all the things that we just went through and sum it up in a single word. Usually I don't think about this until the day of, but this time I've actually known for months what I was going to say:

The word is...Goodbye.

It sounds both strange and appropriate at the same time, doesn't it? As we close out this year, as well as this decade (reminder that 2021 is the real start of the next decade) we can look back and realize we've had many experiences. Both positive and negative. Hopefully they were mostly positive, even during this year.

But there is at least one experience we've all shared together, especially in times like these: saying goodbye.

I will confess to you all that I have a hard time saying goodbye. Hell, I don't even like the word. Whenever I end a conversation, I always use some variant of "see you later", since, to me at least, "goodbye" just sounds so final. Though with that said, I will also admit there's some people in this world that I had no problem saying goodbye to, and I don't mean "till we meet again", I mean "get lost." And I'd be lying if I said there weren't some people who felt the same about me, but I digress.

In the last episode of his show, Red Green delivered a monologue about saying goodbye. A monologue that I am now shamelessly ripping off for your reading pleasure. Not just because it's a way to get this done quickly, but because I think what he said is very true.

Red says that when it comes to your good friends and your family, you never really have to say goodbye. Why? Because they're always in your mind. And whenever you think about them, you're together again. I can tell you from experience that works rather well, even when it involves people that I don't want to think about. But even in that instance, where our last interaction was a negative one, I can't help but think back to all the good times we had together, and for a moment I reminisce. It's nice when it happens.

We've all heard the phrase "nothing lasts forever" and we tend to dismiss it as a cliché. But we're still constantly confronted with that reality, even if we never realize it. As Al Pacino said in Any Given Sunday; "When you get old in life, things get taken from you. That's a part of life."  

We've all lost things in our lives, and I just don't mean toys that have been sold or people that we love who are no longer on this mortal coil. I'm referring to the moments in our lives where we're forced to accept that our circumstances have permanently changed, and that the way things were can no longer be the way things are. This is why you shouldn't be having kids when you're in your 70's, and no one over the age of 50 should be naked in public.

On a more personal note, this year I got that feeling once again. It's not just because I'm most likely leaving one job behind for another job, but there were things in my personal life that shifted so dramatically that I knew things could never be the same again. And seeing as how, for the most part, I liked how things were, I'd be lying if I said that this change didn't cause me some distress.

But that's all a part of growing up, isn't it? As much as I may cringe about reaching 30 years of life on this Earth, I accept it all the same. Because, if nothing else, it's a reminder that I need to keep moving forward. Is it sad that the good ol days are now just memories and dreams? You're damn right it is. But that doesn't have to be a bad thing, because even if they're not what's happening now, they still did happen. And who knows? Perhaps the days to come will be just as good, if not better. In my opinion, that's something to look forward to.

And the same is true for all of us: if we want to live a happy fulfilling life, we have to keep moving forward. We can reminisce about all the fun we've had in days gone by, but it's just as important to be ready for the days yet to come.

I think that's why New Year's is such a poignant holiday for all of us. It's a tacit acknowledgement that we have to say goodbye to the old, so we can say hello to the new.

And at the risk of making this entry so long that by the time you're finished it will be 2022, I'd like to do that now.

To all the people that have been with me since my early days, thanks so much for all that you've done. I appreciate you sticking it out with me this far and I hope you'll continue to do so for many years to come.

To all the people that I've met recently and have decided to join me on this ride, welcome aboard. We're glad you could make it and we hope you'll stay a while as well.

And finally, to all the people that are no longer here, whether they've merely left my social circle or left this mortal coil altogether, all I can say is that we've had a great run. Whatever our reasons for parting are irrelevant now and I wish you nothing but good fortune in whatever it is you decide to do. Perhaps, God willing, our paths will cross again some day. But even if they don't, I hope that every so often we'll think about each other and smile a bit.

And now I'd like to close with something different. Usually I ask you to comment below with something good that happened to you this year. You're more than welcome to do that. But if you're looking for a change of pace, may I suggest that you close out your 2020 (or open your 2021) by listening to this song from the great Ashleigh Ball and Michelle Creber (yes I know many of you are hoping to leave the Miniature Equines in the past, but I'm hoping you'll permit them one last indulgence).

https://youtu.be/XjkPH6sZM_o 

This is the song that inspired me to write this missive (along with the aforementioned Red Green) and as you're listening, I want you to think about all of those you said goodbye to this past decade. Think about all the fond memories you had together and give yourself a smile as the clock strikes midnight. Even if they're not with us today, we still have all the memories of them that no one can take from us, no matter what happens to the world.

And now the time has come for me to end this missive. Let the record show that this was my final word on 2020 as well as my expressed hope for charity, kindness and goodwill to flourish throughout the world in the years to come.

So, good night unto you all.

Give me your hands, if we be friends

.And 2021 shall restore amends.

[lost-kinn]

fun facts from the wanderer’s journal

- geo is “fossilized bug shells,” (pg 11) with different shells denoting 1 geo, a different shell for 5 geo, and another shell for 10 geo. ellina writes that “even the toll machines accept [the geo shells],” (11) meaning that the pale worm can build a better vending machine than whichever human clown built the piece of shit vending machine outside my office

- chests are cash stashes made by wealthier bugs when hallownest was in its prime, which apparently explains why there’s chests attached to walls and in the middle of a mechanical crushing machine in crystal peak

- about geo deposits: “geo is a naturally-occuring fossil throughout the caverns of hallownest,” (11) which makes me wish that human money could also be found cemented to the sidewalk

- ellina writes that “applying and removing charms is a bit of a tricky process,”  12) and that “a single ill-fitting charm is said to place the wearer’s safety in danger” with such seriousness that i presume that taking charms on and off while walking is ill-advised in the same way that it’s ill-advised not to perform open heart surgery on oneself while walking

- longnail “expands its wearer’s aura,” (13) rather than physically increasing the size of the nail, which sounds a bit like fighting with nails are 50% physical metal and 50% naruto ninja chakra

- ellina refers to hallownest as “hostile bug-infested lands” (15) as if she herself and basically everyone else in the cast are not also bugs

- benches are wide enough to seat two people and taking up the whole bench is considered “rude” (14), which explains why the player knight felt the need to murder the Crystal Guardian for manspreading on public seating

- a lot of forgotten crossroads public infrastructure and carts are confirmed to be made of “shells” (18), which i presume are not sea shells. ellina is also rather perturbed by how many shells are in the shaman’s burial mound (22), double confirming that a lot of hallownest is made of corpses. reduce reuse recycle, apparently

- ellina speculates that the husk statues lining the crossroads might be fossilized husks, which is such an oddly specific detail that it makes me think she’s onto something

- whispering roots can apparently induce “bewildering, vivid dreams” (23) if you sleep under it, which i know is supposed to be a reference to the radiance but also. yknow. blaze it

- salubra confirmed to use she/her pronouns in the event anyone was wondering (24)

- husk guards apparently cause shockwaves just by slamming their dummy thicc asses on the ground hard enough to kill you (28)

- there is still no explanation as to why massive moss charger is in godhome

- ellina writes “the pale king apparently took great interest in civil engineering” (57) at which point i lost my SHIT for ten minutes straight because the fact that they even have the phrase “civil engineering” implies that they have enough types of engineering to specify “civil,” and also that there’s enough bugs going to civil engineering school for that to even be a term?? is there a bug SAT to get to engineering school?? do yall have to take bug calculus to qualify?? yall have bug higher education???? do bugs stay up at night worrying about whether their bugs letters of recommendation will land them their bug nine-to-five engineering job in a bug cubicle??????

- the old stag is specified to have “strong legs” (58) which personally kills me specifically, a person who is co-writing a fanfic called “stag beetles and broken legs” based off a central metaphor in which stag beetles have fragile legs

- the mantises apparently pre-date hallownest, and outlived hallownest too (60)

- relic seeker lemm offered to buy ellina’s wanderer’s journal for 200 geo to her face without even waiting for her to die, which is like the real-life equivalent of paying someone 200 bucks to read their diary while they’re still alive and also right in front of you

- watcher knights are confirmed to be corpse-shells reanimated by infected flies, which makes me feel some type of way about getting my ass kicked for four hours straight by a bunch of flies

- ellina writes that “the web-walking critteres [denizens of deepnest] seem to have little trouble traversing [the holes in deepnest’s path],” which implies to me that their method of public infrastructure was “git gud”

- confirmed that only the elite of the elite could ride on the tram due to needing a pass from the king himself, which feels like a segregation of public transportation i’ve seen before 

- a specimen called “little weaver” is shown to be wearing a red cloak like hornet (91)

- ogrim confirmed to train by throwing balls of dung around all by his damn lonely self and apparently still manage to have a good time (99)

- pg 136 pretty clearly specifies that the teacher’s archives were specifically meant to house, preserve, and record all of monomon’s knowledge, not spread that knowledge or even have that knowledge be used, which is a fun characterization of monomon that i’m just going to ignore

- ellina writes that the hinged platforms in the queen’s gardens “come in handy for gradual descents” as if she doesn’t know damn well that those sons of bitches are the second hardest platforming challenge in the game

- ellina infers from the size of gorb’s head that “it must have been a genius” (149) further proving that ellina is a 100% reliable narrator whose speculations are always correct

- ellina implies that since there’s eggshells found in the depths of the abyss, it’s not so much that the pale king hatched his child-vessels on the ground level and threw the unsatisfactory vessels into the abyss, but that they were all born in the abyss, like a giant breeding petri dish, and the pale king only saw fit to bring the “pure vessel” out of the abyss. this might only be ellina���s inference, but that does explain why the player knight’s egg is in the abyss and the player knight had to crawl their way out.

- ellina writes on page 158 that the void liquid “seems to have a mind of its own, and lashes out at intruders, either to push them away or to pull them under,” confirming once and for all that the void is, at its heart, a tsundere

- although the journal never uses they/them pronouns for any character, there’s several characters that are only referred to as it/its. in some cases, this seems like a clear denotation that they’re considered “sub-human” (for lack of a better phrase) such as the baldur (32) or infected husks. some characters that you’d think would have a gender are referred to with it/its, such as gruz mother (33) and flukemarm (101). other characters are referred to with it/its even though they don’t typically classify as “mindless bugs,” such as steel soul jinn (9), the hunter (41), soul warrior (75), crystal guardian (83). every character with a he/him pronoun or she/her pronoun from the game obviously retains these pronouns, even in cases where the gender wasn’t well-identified in the base game (e.g. willoh, she/her pronouns, page 57; soul master, he/him pronouns, pg 75).

10/10. beautiful. wonderful. excellent work

[adz]

hi here is my albums of the year list for 2019. i will also put it below under the break. happy nu year friends

ALBUMS I LOVED

Big Thief - U.F.O.F. & Two Hands This band has something so special. It's almost as enjoyable to hear Lenker, the primary songwriter, talk about her philosophy and her connection to her bandmates as it is to listen to their consistently wonderful and gently boundary-pushing music. I've combined these two albums into one list item because they're flip sides of the same coin: spirit and earth, ethereal and corporeal, unknown and known. If you've heard their earlier two albums, you might be put off a little: there aren't any smash hits like Masterpiece on here, nor any doomed ballads like Shark Smile. These albums are a little blurrier, shadows and gleaming bits of light floating past. At times the songs sound less like early Big Thief than they do Adrianne's solo releases: lyric focused, strange sprawling structures, a bit rougher around the edges. At these records' cores, though, the soul is the same true soul. On U.F.O.F., there are sadness-tinged love songs like Orange and an ode to a dead relationship or dead loved one, Terminal Paradise, recut from Adrienne's solo discography. On Two Hands, rollicking rockers like Forgotten Eyes and the titular track nestle up against the tender and painful Wolf and a live staple for the band, Not, a song that builds momentum and tumbles towards its conclusion like a meteor. Whether you're a devoted fan (and I don't know anyone who listens to Big Thief but doesn't consider themselves one) or a newcomer, it's worthwhile to spend some time close to these records. Let them, and they'll grow on you.

Kim Petras - TURN OFF THE LIGHT Easily the best collection of club pop songs this year began as a Halloween-themed mixtape, which I think gives it a willingness to experiment that I sometimes miss in Petras's more standard stuff. The hooks on tracks like There Will Be Blood, Close Your Eyes, and Tell Me It's a Nightmare are as good as anything in her discography, and the most adventurous moments, like the interlude o m e n and the German verse in In the Next Life, not only pay off but fuck harder than basically anything I've ever heard. I would be remiss if I didn't mention that Dr. Luke was one of this record's producers. The fact that he gets a cut of every stream and sale is a terrible blemish on what would otherwise be a huge favorite of mine.

Sufjan Stevens & Timo Andres - The Decalogue A forceful, sometimes opaque album. Delicate and opinionated piano music for ballet. One moment of particular transcendent beauty: the track V.

Weyes Blood - Titanic Rising A 10/10, perfect, totally wonderful album. A ton of variety and not a single bad song. By turns upbeat, dreamy, contemplative, creepy, explosive. One of the most beautiful and evocative album covers of the year to boot.

Andrew Bird - My Finest Work Yet I appreciate Andrew Bird's esoteric trips and darkly introspective weirdness, so it surprised me how much I enjoyed this: a bouncy, ascerbic, and delightful return to form packed with ironic turns of phrase and endlessly engrossing little musical details. Bloodless is a legit political statement, a State of the Union address that is somehow equal parts ominous and encouraging. Sisyphus is freewheeling and also political, a common thread here. My favorite is Manifest, a disco-inflected ode to fossil fuels. You could blast it and joyfully sing along without ever realizing how apocalyptic it is.

Nivhek - After its own death / Walking in a spiral towards the house Moody, spacious, and minimalist. Lovely and meditative.

M83 - DSVII A world all of its own. Cinematic, strange, and cheesy. I really appreciate M83's willingness to do absolutely whatever they want when they could easily have made a career pandering to fans of Midnight City and selling songs to car companies. DSVII is spacious and upbeat, steeped in the memory of 70s space western epics. Flutes, pianos, and shimmering picked guitars float over crashing post-rock drums and synths ranging from contemplative sweeps (Mirage) and buzzing pads (Colonies) to swelling vox (Taifun Glory) and precise, retro little bleeps (Oh Yes You're There, Everyday). It's wonderful background music, and the choice tracks (Temple of Sorrow, Mirage, Hell Riders) are great fun and even occasionally thrilling. This album is easy to love.

Thom Yorke - Anima Detuned synths lying motionless in a cold desert fading in and out of life

Foxes in Fiction - Trillium Killer A swirling dream-pop masterpiece. I had the privilege of seeing Warren perform some of these songs earlier this year, and I felt totally transported, like I was physically present in the green holographic world of his back-stage projections. These songs are complex and really special, crafted with care and an ear highly attuned to odd harmonies and little additive details. I love the way stories and thoughts weave together across the album. The catchy, gently swelling music is a brilliant compliment for the lyrics, which are often dark and intense, blurring the political and personal on songs like Say Yes to Violence and Antibody. Aesthetically, this album is a delight, but there's so much depth beneath its glimmering surface. What a wonderful addition to Foxes in Fiction's powerful and lovely discography.

Xiu Xiu - Girl with Basket of Fruit Xiu Xiu always makes me smile. This album is dense and abrasive and very lyrics-forward. Jamie Stewart sounds fucking pissed and I love it. The beats are quick and unrelenting: samples of Haitian drummers led by musician Daniel Brevil. I also can't get over the fact that Angela Seo published her favorite and least favorite lyrics from each song. Jamie wrote this about the record's title, which references Caravaggio's painting Boy with a Basket of Fruit: "When this title is a boy it is fey and lovely. When it is a girl is worrisome and rife with danger. Male martyrs are almost always surrounded by nurses, their mothers, adoring angels and other loving disciples wrapping their crushed and holy bodies in strips of herb soaked cloth and weeping rapturously. Female martyrs are almost always depicted having their skin flayed, breasts branded or ripped off with tongs or being stabbed and they are always, always alone save for her murderers. There is never anyone by their sides celebrating their spiritual life, only fiendishly reveling in their torture of her. It is perilous to be a 'girl.'"

Bats - Alter Nature I was shocked to find out these guys have been around for 10 years. This sounds like an album by a young band, which I mean as a compliment: it's energetic and rough and a little uneven in parts in ways that I enjoy. The sound is either especially intense but poppy post-punk or kind of gentle hardcore. I think there's a lot of crossover potential between those two fan bases here. Their attitude is what I love more than anything else. I don't know how to describe it exactly. It feels like the band are willing to go to weird, sarcastic places and then quickly snap back to sincerity and brutality, often multiple times in one song. I'm not much of a hardcore fan, but I almost wish they'd spent a little more time with that sound: my favorite parts on this record are the heavier bits like the end of Current Affairs.

Olivia Neutron-John - Olivia Neutron-John This album sounds like if you trapped a musique concrete artist in a timeless hell with a couple drum machines and synths for a millenium and then poked a hole in the wall and recorded what came out. Really fun and uncomfortable. I do still think the best format to experience ONJ is in her like 20-minute rambling dance tracks, like 2017's Injury Train.

Liturgy - H.A.Q.Q. A lot of people really despise Liturgy, and if that's the case for you, this album probably won't change your mind, but for what it's worth, it's a little more accessible than their synth-horn-heavy black metal midi extravaganza of a previous album The Ark Work. H.A.Q.Q. does contain weird, tonally distinct interludes (the EXACO trio of tracks) between its transcendental metal pillars, but they're the rare interludes that go beyond merely cleansing the palette and setting the mood for whatever follows. EXACT III especially is a bright and emotionally complete unit. What we're really here for is the metal, though, and this album delivers like nothing Liturgy has released before. Composer/singer/guitarist Hendrix's melodies are unique and beautiful, the riffs and blastbeats are tight, and the stuttering glitches that break up dense passages are welcome even when they're really surprising. HAJJ, PASAQALIA, GOD OF LOVE, and HAQQ are all monster tracks, but the whole album is well worth your time. The lead single, GOD OF LOVE, is a great place to start. This is definitely, easily my favorite black metal album of all time, and probably my favorite metal album full stop.

Blood Orange - Angel's Pulse Dev Hynes' mixtape is by turns propulsive and relaxing, softspoken and hardheaded. It's brilliant and beautiful and although it's not too long, each song is given ample room to breathe. I wish other artists were as effective at utilizing guest artists (some tracks here have three guests, and Hynes is able to manage their time well enough that there's no feeling of bloatedness or a lack of cohesion). I love this album. It might be my favorite thing Hynes has ever done. Listen to: Take It Back, Berlin, Dark & Handsome

Toro y Moi - Outer Peace Chaz's album Boo Boo was one of my favorite albums of 2017, but because it wasn't chillwave enough or whatever, people didn't seem to give it a fair shake. That seems to be the case with Outer Peace, too: it's less of a single unit than Boo Boo and contains more danceable content, but it's a little too moody and eccentric to win over fans of Anything In Return, Chaz's basically perfect 2013 opus. (As a side note, his mixtape Soul Trash, which also came out this year, is good fun too.) Anyway, Outer Peace feels kind of like a more accessible extension of Boo Boo. Parts of it still feel like a deranged early-morning exercise program on college radio, which I like. Try some of the lighter stuff first: Fading, Ordinary Pleasure, and Freelance.

Opium Lord - Vore No genre has better subgenre descriptors than metal. This is a black sludge album, and that's pretty much all you need to know.

Mid-Air Thief - Crumbling Okay so this album technically came out in 2018, but it had a wide release this year on Topshelf Records with like four different wax colors, and also I only found out about it early this year, and I need to spread the word about one of the most delightful, fun, and beautiful albums I've ever heard. On Crumbling, organic strums and synthetic trills form a deeply engaging tapestry. I love every second of it. Combining sounds in this way totally qualifies as left-field experimental shit just because It Seems Like Nobody Else Is Doing It For Some Reason (except I guess Floating Points, see SOTY), but the music itself is actually really accessible. This is what pop music should sound like! We have the technology!! Please listen to this album. Dirt and Gameun Deut are my favorites at the moment, but you honestly can't go wrong.

Angel Olsen - All Mirrors Olsen's gotten grander. Her ballads are longer and involve strings and synthesizers and beat machines. The soul feels the same to me, though. Songs like the title track are powerful and emotive and showcase not just her vocal range but a new range of sonic experimentation that I think complements her songwriting really well. For those who aren't on board with the 7-minute ballads, there are also more lighthearted tracks like Too Easy and Spring. I knew that Chance reminded me of a specific song, but I couldn’t think of the name until I read something by a person named Grimelords about how it’s like her version of Sinatra's My Way. That’s exactly what it’s like.

Girl Band - The Talkies Shoulderblades is an ugly, mammoth, multi-part story. Brilliant genreless repetition like in album opener Prolix and at the end of Couch Combover. Amygdela sounds like if early Preoccupations was fronted by someone undergoing torture whilst also muttering at their withdrawal hallucinations. The vibe here is complex. It's a very consistent album, but the collection of sounds and attitudes is really unusual. Caveat is a great example: a simple beat and twitching synth line turns into a lumbering mess of distortion-and back again, whenever it decides to-at will.

0 Stars - Blowing on a Marshmallow in Perpetuity Timid singing, odd titles, and every-instrument-in-the-room textures on this album belie depth and a very warm heart. "even though my dog barked at a baby, i won't tell her 'no' cause that's just the way she deals with being scared and sometimes i get scared too, and it's bad enough without the shame when i mess things up and you don't come over, i go to the kitchen and eat leftovers just because i'm sad doesn't mean it is fair to depend on you when you're sad too"

(Sandy) Alex G - House of Sugar With Gretel—the best song of the year—as its lead single, House of Sugar set an impossibly high expectation. Although Gretel is certainly a high point on the album, there are many more: Hope is inconspicuous but beautiful, honest, and cathartic, SugarHouse is a devastating jam, and Southern Sky whirls comfortingly from a rose-tinted verse into a chorus supposedly inspired by a dream and tinged with sadness. All but one of these songs are under 4 minutes long, but they're packed with conflict between abstract and concrete lyrics, beauty and strangeness. It's Alex G, so don't be surprised by the unexpected and often outright weird electronic flourishes and transitions throughout the record, but if you can handle its irregularities, this is easily one of the most fresh-sounding and enjoyable albums of the year.

Emily Reo - Only You Can See It A bright, fun, and beautiful album full of bouyant vocals and strange twists and turns. Although I deeply love the poppy stuff here (like the anthemic single Strawberry), my faves are the slower, darker, vaguely occultish songs: Ghosting, Counterspell (a shimmering sequel to 2016's Spell, one of the best songs of the year), and In Theaters, which is one of those songs that builds and builds and then has the most satisfying payoff. It might be my favorite ending of any album this year. I hope you check this one out. Emily is the coolest and this album rocks.

Chromatics - Closer To Grey Of course this came out in October. Chromatics is the only band that is allowed to use canned vinyl hiss. The first song on this record is a Sound of Silence cover and it is amazing.

Mizmor - Cairn I try to approach new music without giving too much thought to the circumstances of its creation, but something about the idea of a mythical lone individual painstakingly crafting beautiful layered music appeals to me, whether it's Phil Elverum of Mt. Eerie, Sufjan Stevens, or this: Mizmor, some dude from Portland, OR making sick, dense black metal. Cairn is a slow, doomy, cinematic album, and maybe these qualities make it easier to notice the incredible attention to detail on individual riffs or little instrumental passages. My favorites were Cairn to God and The Narrowing Way

Laura Agnusdei - Laurisilva Lounge music from hell. Twin Peaks-y saxophone glides over squishy synthetic beats. Lungs Dance sounds like a block of jello having a nightmare. In all seriousness, this is an ingenious and very unique album and I enjoy it a lot. A lot of music I listened to this year attempted to merge organic and synthetic sound in a way that emphasises their similarities. Here, synthetic sounds and recognizable voices/samples/sax & flute riffs are juxtaposed, and the rift is never bridged. And it's weirdly comfortable. This is the most acidic of acid jazz. And honestly, I just really like how wet the synths sound.

~~~~~

SONGS I LOVED (singles for albums that i think outshone the album OR songs that were released not as part of an album OR just songs i heard and enjoyed. this will hopefully prevent me from including an album i don't actually love just because i really dug one song on it)

Arthur Russell - You Did It Yourself Iowa Dream is a great collection of Russell's more accessible unreleased work. You Did It Yourself in particular is such a perfectly weird, groovy almost-pop song, a reminder that Russell was as talented a writer of hooks as he was a mastermind of electroacoustic experimentation. To explore his other side, check out another of his posthumous releases from this year, Not Checking Up.

MGMT - In The Afternoon A gothic post-punk masterpiece that sort of follows from their excellent 2018 album Little Dark Age. This is MGMT's best era ever. My most-anticipated-2020 list is basically MGMT and Owen Pallett's Island. And probably one or two more Big Thief records.

Floating Points - Falaise Floating Points' 2019 album Crush consists mostly of Aphex-Twin-y glitch-beat tracks that occasionally push towards something really interesting and unique. It's a great album, but the organic instruments on opener Falaise set you up brilliantly for an organosynthetic payoff that never arrives.

Honey by Drugdealer/Weyes Blood okay, Lonely on the same album is fun, if a little silly. Lost In My Dream is also totally decent, and Fools is kind of a bop... actually, this whole album, while not totally my cup of tea, is great. If you like 70's-disco-inflected (like, Bee Gees) retro rock, sweet vocal harmonies and guitar licks, and a few indulgences (like saxophone), you'll totally dig this record. I'm gonna spend some more time with it. Honey fucks especially though imo

Everything All at Once - G Jones Something about this song just scratches an itch in my brain. The rest of this album is basically dubstep, and it all sandwiches this one beautiful little song. Better not to question life's gifts.

Perfume Genius - Eye in the Wall Sandunes & Landslands - Eleven Eleven James Blake - Barefoot In The Dark new grimes unfortunately Deafheaven - Black Brick

~~~~~

Honorable Mentions/stuff i like but other people would probably love

Kim Gordon - No Home Record An experimental (but comfortably modern) record by the 66-yr-old Gordon, best known as a multi-instrumentalist/vocalist in Sonic Youth, a band I occasionally appreciate but can't say I love. Parts of No Home Record are noise rock-y, like Murdered Out, and others totally defy comprehension: Paprika Pony seems to have the most buzz surrounding it, which makes sense since it features both a kalimba and a trap beat. Really not a resting-on-laurels type of album. I wish more iconic older musicians made shit like this.

Pharmakon - Devour The rare album that makes me forget about my tinnitus. A dense cloud of distortion and sharply biting microscopic needle creatures that settle around your shoulders and block out all light. Fucking awesome. Listen if you enjoy oppressive painfully pulsing sound textures of industrial noise blanketing completely incoherent screaming.

clipping. - There Existed an Addiction to Blood This is a tough one for me because there are things about this album I can't stand, but many more things I absolutely love. The inventiveness of the production on Run for Your Life, Daveed's absurdly skilled delivery on Blood of the Fang, the harsh noise and musique concrete combining delightfully with rap on songs like La Mala Ordina; all of this is extremely exciting. I really love the last track Piano Burning, an 18-minute recording of, yes, a piano burning. The thing is, clipping.'s lyrical content is more or less the same here as on 2013's Midcity mixtape. It's ultra-violent, filled with graphic descriptions of gang violence and torture, which is fine, but just not something I'm that interested in listening to more than once or twice. They've branched out elsewhere (on their previous album, Splendor & Misery, and on the recent EP The Deep), but to me, it's unfortunate that this super cool and thoughtful album is lyrically (at least, on the surface) just a collection of descriptions of people being murdered. I don't really have any interest in reading more into it than that, because I regret pretty much every time I try to pay close attention, either because it's gross and boring or because it's embarrassing (The Show, for example). I want to emphasize that as horrorcore goes, the writing here is mostly very good. The rhyme patterns like at the beginning of Story 7 are genius. It's just not for me, I guess. I'm gonna keep listening to a few songs, though: Nothing is Safe, La Mala Ordina, Run for Your Life, and Blood of the Fang are excellent.

Field Whispers - Fire-Toolz The Warm-Body is a great song. Hyphen- (and parenthesis-) heavy vapor/pc music/new age/ambient jazzy synth stuff. really nice.

Caroline Polachek - Pang every r/indieheads dude: i like slide guitar now probably the best vocal performance of any album I heard this year, Polachek is just ludicrously good. listen to Insomnia

Danny Brown - uknowhatimsayin¿ When most artists release an album of outsized acclaim, you can with some certainty expect them to mimic its acclaimed qualities later on in an attempt to reach the same level of success. Danny Brown is not most artists, though, and no one who knows him would count on a retreading of the ground covered in Atrocity Exhibition, Danny's nearly perfect 2016 album. uknowhatimsayin¿ is more lighthearted and, I think, a little less ambitious (it's 13 minutes shorter, with more consistent track lengths; there's no "Really Doe"), but not to its detriment. The features are less head-turning than AE (up-and-comers JPEGMAFIA and Obongjayer, the understated genius Blood Orange, and Run the Jewels, the most overrated act in hip hop), but they all fit in neatly. Tracks like Belly of The Beast and Negro Spiritual prove Danny could still rap over a washing machine or musique concrete or fucking whatever. The lyrics are less dense, the beats less experimental and strange, but the lighter energy is kind of nice. Atrocity Exhibition could've lost three or four tracks, but this album feels juuuust right.

HTRK - Over the Rainbow Soft, ambient, moody. Reminds me of William Basinski's Watermusic II, but this album is less repetitive and a little less weird. It's background music for people who hate background music. It's delightful and ignorable. Very nice.

Blarf - Cease & Desist Shockingly decent plunderphonics/noise album from Eric Andre, who it must be pointed out attended one of the most prestigious music colleges in the world.

Ryan Lott - Pentaptych Beautiful, prickly modernist string compositions.

Cereal Killer - The Beginning & End of Cereal Killer Empath - Active Listening: Night on Earth Ithaca - The Language of Injury Mannequin Pussy - Patience Swan's Chamber - Swan's Chamber Avey Tare - Cows on Hourglass Pond Men I Trust - Oncle Jazz Charli XCX - Charli Black Midi - Schlagenheim Michael Kiwanuka - Kiwanuka Methyl Ethyl - Triage Bill Callahan - Shepherd in a Sheepskin Vest Better Oblivion Community Center - Better Oblivion Community Center Twin Peaks - Lookout Low Holly Herndon - Proto Laurel Halo - DJ-Kicks Earl Sweatshirt - Feet of Clay Nihiloxica - Biiri Wet Fruit - Wet Fruit

Best mix: Night Bus 4: Memory of Night Bus by CFCF When Hyperballad hits, you will understand. http://www.gorillavsbear.net/cfcf-drops-night-bus-4-memory-of-night-bus

Best album name:

Gross Net - Gross Net Means Gross Net.

Answers my foremost question immediately.~~~~~

A halfhearted AOTD list, in order this time

1-The Age of Adz

2-Heartland

3-Entrañas

4-The Money Store

5-Channel Orange

6-Planetarium

7-Ontario Gothic

8-Konoyo+Anoyo (this is cheating but whatever)

9-Carrie & Lowell + Greatest Gift (also cheating idc)

10-My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

thanks for reading. the world is abundant.

[acnewperspectives]

Technical Difficulties and Fashion Don’ts, Part 2

We last left off on main street rocking our striking new look. Since we’re still up on main street we might as well swing by and get that house estimate from Nook.

I forgot how low that was, seriously. We should totally be able to pay this off by the end of the day. Then we can have a new house by tomorrow.

Time to earn a bit of cash. I picked up some fish from the river and got a new one to donate.

It looks like Portia and Barold keep literally running into each other but for some reason they aren’t initiating any conversations...That’s gotta be awkward.

I popped in to check on our perfect peach tree and it seems to be growing just fine. I don’t know if you need to water saplings but as soon as I get a watering can I should probably try to water it.

Well, I think we’ve kept Isabelle waiting long enough. we should probably go ahead and make our way to the Town Hall.

Yep this is what I figured it was. I need to do that town satisfaction thing right?

Oh. Well then. I guess it’s gonna be a day or so until we can get that started. I forgot that was part of it.

Why is approval that low?? I mean I know I’m new but that’s just kind of insulting. Maybe Barold noticed how I can’t stop staring at his massiv- I mean marvelous lips. But really, Who could?

I don’t remember what you have to do to improve town approval. I think it might just be a thing where you have to actually play for a few days to build up? Hm. This might take longer than I thought.

Well the first order of business is to pay off that down payment for the house. Time to take some items over to the Museum and see if we have any duplicates we can sell.

That is one large detriment to New Leaf. Blathers is boring now. People used to skip all of his dialogue and complain that it was too long and boring, but now it really is pointless and boring. I mean wouldn’t you prefer to have a unique set of dialogue responses that explain some neat key features about the fish you’re donating instead of just....that stock phrase repeated for every item? I know I do. and I miss the old Blathers that actually used to blather about cool things. I hope they bring some of that back in New Horizons.

Oh it looks like we have a duplicate fossil! Those are always good money makers.

Let’s hurry and go cash in.

We’re so close. Really all I should need to do now is find the bell rock and we’ll have enough to pay off the down payment.

I found the bell rock a perfect distance away from a tree for me to wedge myself nicely between them. Didn’t have to dig any holes or anything. I did miss that last hit though.

The bell rock gave me a combined total of 16,000 bells. Quite a lot more than I was expecting. I knew it was easy to get money in New Leaf but I had forgotten it was this easy. I think the currency system works better when there’s a difficulty involved like the older games.

Also found a mineral rock during my hunt for the bell rock.

And just like that our down payment is payed off. We should awake to a brand new house in the morning.

On my way back down I decided to roll up the snowball I kept passing by. I hadn’t seen a second snowball all day though so I dunno if I can make another snowman.

Oh there it is.

I’m just gonna position this guy right next to his big bro over here.

Oh...uhh....that’s...not what I was expecting but okay.

I can’t wait to see this abomination tomorrow once this new one starts melting and they fuse into each other even more.

I managed to find two more villagers bumping into each other but not initiating conversation, so I hung around a bit to see, and they did decide to talk!

I had suspected that Barold was a lazy type but that definitely confirms it. I half expected Peggy to make fun of him but it seemed like a pretty amicable discussion. I guess I’m still used to the kind of arguments you could have in older games. In my old Wild World town Wart Jr basically bullied Stitches to tears and I was so mad.

I was starting to get kinda tired so before I wrap up the play session I figured I’d collect a few more things to donate.

I bet this big boy is a sea bass.

Yep.

After running over and selling the leftover duplicates I think it’s about time to head home and call it a day. I passed by the conjoined snowman twins but found they had glitched back into a normal placement.

That’s really disappointing.

Anyway that just about does it for today. Tomorrow we’ll have a new house and we can get started bumping that town approval rating up a little bit.

Final play session tally:

3 fossils donated.

4 fish donated.

10,000 bell house payment met.

17,050 bells in wallet.

[douchebagbrainwaves]

IN FACT, I'D SAY TWENTY

It was supposed to be making an effort. At first desktop computers didn't look like much of a role as gatekeepers. You should be able to build everything they need. Though Balzac made a lot of i/o fast. And whatever its components, they're not even fun. That will tend to be very disciplined if you take the latter route that the lawyer is representing you rather than merely commenting on them has similar incentives. What's missing or broken in your daily life? See, we love big juicy lumbar disc herniations, but they must both squeeze equally or the seed spins off sideways. Essentially, they lead you on. But the fact is, most startups that succeed do it by pretending to be overstretched.

Stir vigilantly to avoid sticking. The actual questions are respectively patents or secrecy? This doesn't seem to work themselves out. Especially if you're also looking for a cofounder. You have to understand what it is. Essays should aim for maximum surprise. This is no accident that the middle class. Rockefeller said in 1880 The day of combination is here to stay. When Richard Feynman said that the average American watches 4 hours of TV a day. Even now the image of a great hacker.

But even at the most successful startups are the exact opposite of this. Companies like Cisco are proud that everyone there has a cubicle, even the CEO. We are having a bit of a hack. This principle isn't only for big ideas. It seemed to me as if the test of a language is to be something you have to make a difference. For example, when Leonardo painted the portrait of Ginevra de Benci in the National Gallery, he put a juniper bush behind her head. The reason you've never heard of investors caring either. Dartmouth, the University of Washington yielded a high-school kid. Stop fundraising when it stops working.

It's very dangerous to start worrying too early that you're default dead, start asking too early. You don't have to do licensing deals, or get shelf space in retail stores, or grovel to have your work tangled together with a lot of bandwidth. Make Wealth in Hackers & Painters that hadn't been online. Those who would later be vanquished by one of them from doing too much damage. Buy millions of dollars a year. Being Wise? Whereas I suspect over at General Motors the marketing people convince everyone that you're ready to fight to the death is actually to be ready to start that startup. 06%. John Nash so admired Norbert Wiener that he adopted his habit of touching the wall as he walked down a corridor. And yet those who dislike the term are probably right, because if they don't work, and when one appears, grab it. E-commerce, it turned out, was no coincidence that Microsoft and Facebook both got started in January. Here, as so often happens, the closer the paraphrase is to plagiarism, the more options you have—not just at this stage is probably the first you've founded.

This was the most significant thing they'd observed, it was the season Dallas premiered. I've often had a juicy bug to track down. But unfortunately when you graduate, you should try to stay as close friends as you can in so many print publications—which is one of the most important quality in startup founders. There have been famous instances of collaboration in the arts. So I say let's aim at the problems. The reason I want to examine a more specific question: why Europe grew so powerful. In the meantime founders have to do 7.

I only had two hours before dinner and think fastest while writing. And of course any VCs reading this are probably rolling on the floor laughing at how my hypothetical VCs let the angel keep his 10. This won't get us all the answers, though. And yet the Lisps we have today are still pretty much what business consists of. Suppose there were some excessively compact way to phrase something, there would be little justification for using any but the most popular kid in school, though that counted for something, in the same category as being a publisher. So I decided I'd pay close attention to accidents and to new ideas has to be good-looking, natural athletes, or siblings of popular kids, they'll tend to nominate only the most charismatic guy? Work. Html#f10n 17. In every swing state they overestimated the Kerry vote. If you suppress variations in income are somehow bad for society. Perhaps it's in the sweet spot for startup founders, and one kind that's called into being to commercialize a scientific discovery. One professor friend says that 15-20% of the grad students they admit each year are long shots.

But there are some things that will make it. Agreeing tends to motivate people by saying Real artists ship. If you want cohesion now, you'd have to watch what you said to your friend. You could serve them targeted offers, and maybe turn it into an official job later, or not what you're trying to do real work, jump on it. There is nothing more unconvincing, for an investor or acquirer will assume the worst; investors who are their customers—the endowments and pension funds and rich families whose money they invest. Test Ultimately, I think we will, with server-based software blows away this whole model. At the stage where they're sufficiently convincing well before Demo Day, we have to remember that art has an audience. I was running a startup, it will become less common for the master to paint the others and the background. Earlier he'd had an opportunity to invest at all. And I wasn't alone. I asked if they'd still be interested in a social network for pet owners.

What little original thought there was took place in lulls between constant wars and had something of the character of the site rather than enhancing it. You can of course be especially suspicious of grants whose purpose is some kind of paternal obligation that isn't there in transactions between equals. You can still see fossils of their origins in their graphic design. But the real costs are the ones most people don't choose programming languages simply based on their merits. They were effectively a component supplier. The reason Aristotle didn't get anywhere in the Metaphysics was partly that he set off with contradictory aims: to explore the limits of whatever you're doing, your servers keep crashing, you run into in chance meetings are in the earliest phases. Learning for Text Categorization. While certain famous Internet stocks were almost certainly overvalued in 1999, so I can usually be found sitting in a corner somewhere with a copy printed out on paper, trying to arrange deals. That's one of the most successful people I know are some of the smartest people and get them to move to your silicon valley like to get money. For example, the Honeywell thermostats in my house in Cambridge, it was a mistake, of exactly the right thing.

Thanks to Jackie McDonough, Hutch Fishman, Trevor Blackwell, Ariel Poler, Parker Conrad, Jessica Livingston, John Bautista, and Brian Oberkirch for their feedback on these thoughts.

[linernotesandseasons]

My 19 Favorite Albums of 2019

       2019 is coming to a close. The entire decade is coming to a close. This list has been an increasingly comforting exercise the last few years. I guess this will be the eighth annual version of the linernotesandseasons favorite albums of the year list! Crazy how time passes. So here are the collections of songs that I used to mark my personal time & space this year. The lyrics that I learned by heart & sang out in dark & dirty rock clubs. I also made a spotify playlist with two songs from each album if you’re interested in listening along as you read. 

This year most of my writing focuses on when & why I fell in love with a specific album. Sometimes the history is important, building a base or connecting some threads, so when relevant, I have also included my history with when I fell in love with a specific artist. And finally, as has become more important to my music chasing brain in the last few years, why this artist or album is important to music right now. What they’re doing to leave a mark on the world, in whatever small space or way.

So without any further ado, here it is, in no particular order (unless you’re particularly knowledgable or fond of the english alphabet) my 19 (well actually 20 cuz freaking Big Thief put out two!) favorite albums of 2019. It’s been a pleasure.

BETTER OBLIVION COMMUNITY CENTER   /   Better Oblivion Community Center

    Spring 2019 in Denver was cold & breezy, sunny & exciting. I had spun the Phoebe Bridgers/Conor Oberst match-made-in-indie-emo-sad-folk-heaven record once through, but in late March I made a game time (like I bought a day-of ticket off stubhub at 6pm!) decision to drive down from work and see their show at the Gothic on South Broadway. I’d been up since 7am the night (morning?) before, watching opening day baseball live from Japan (on March 20th?!). Ichiro’s final game and I was feeling maybe a little emotionally fragile already. But anyway… Better Oblivion Community Center’s live show (they call them meetings) has all the potential to come off as cheesy or contrived. A recorded voice welcomes you, self-help-cult style, and invites you to “celebrate sound & light” & “travel the well worn pathways,” because “we are one.” A mystical backdrop gives a hint of what you’re in for (I didn’t know what I was in for...) with letters at the top reading “It will end in tears.” The band is brilliant, loose, & fun. They play all the songs. They play “Lua,” “Bad Blood,” & “Easy/Lucky/Free” from the endlessly varied Bright Eyes catalog. They turn Phoebe’s “Funeral” into a punk blast. They cover The Replacements! They wear shades and sing a song from lawn chairs! The show feels effortlessly cool and I feel like I’m part of something special again. Music has a way of doing that.

The record is perfectly equal parts Phoebe & Conor. From the opening lines, where Phoebe takes control with “my telephone it doesn’t have a camera” sounding for all the world like a gloriously mopey “Smoke Signals Vol. 2″ to the way Oberst sings the first lines of ethereal closer “Dominoes” sounding 100% like Cassadaga-era Bright Eyes. If you know & love either, you should know the other now. Phoebe carries a torch from early 2000′s emo with a sad-at-heart, genius songwriting style that emphasizes pinpoint autobiographical lyrics, a cutting, (even humorous at times) wit, and a teenage, feminist, internet, millennial heart. Oberst for his part has kept up a steady output since Bright Eyes, and (at least lyrically) doesn’t seemed to have cheered up much. Better Oblivion Community Center’s self titled debut feels fresh & catchy. While there is definitely an aching sadness in the duo’s songwriting, light hearted moments abound, and the writing often points to getting older, all hard work & growth. There is the bouncing outro to “Sleepwalkin’” where their voices rise in unison singing “Acting insane, playing it safe, I wasn’t sold on that plan anyways. Feeling afraid of making a change.” Or in the bright, rolling verses of “My City” where they go looking for “little moments of purpose.” But the one song I kept going back to; the one I recorded to cassette tape and played on almost every drive home from work at 4am through April & May, is the bittersweet closer “Dominoes.” Ironically, this one is a Taylor Hollingsworth cover (I think that’s him adding the random, spooky voice overs) but Conor takes the lead on vocals, singing a mostly lonely, hopeless tale, until the last verse when Phoebe cuts in. She’s “carpooling to kingdom come, into the wild purgatory.” Encouraging us to “Experience a magic rainbow, all you gotta’ do is follow. & if you’re not feeling ready… There’s always tomorrow.”

    “The world will not remember when we’re old & tired / We’ll be blowing on the embers of a little fire…”

BIG THIEF   /   U.F.O.F. & Two Hands

       2019 was the year that I finally finally got really really into Big Thief. A band’s band known for their live show (I still have yet to see them live) their following seems equal parts cult-y and universal. How a band that sounds the way they do, made it almost to the top of the indie-rock world is an exciting & inviting mystery.

This year, for me, the catalyst was “Cattails.” Released at the beginning of April, this song struck me and stuck with me, making its way onto almost every mix I made last Spring, Summer, & Fall (including this one for my Mom!) A real song of the year contender (& my #1 most listened to song of 2019 on spotify!), “Cattails” is a melodic, driving, beautiful tune, that finds singer & front person Adrienne Lenker marking Time (”riding that train in late June”) & Space (”going back home to the great lakes”) with grace & depth. There is a sacredness & mysticism tied up in a lot of Lenker’s writing and she refers to her writing experience with “Cattails” saying…

“It was one of those electric, multicolored waves of connectivity just sweeping through my body. I stayed up late finishing the song and the next morning was stomping around playing it over & over again. We thought why not just record it … & when James and I were playing it felt like a little portal in the fabric had opened and we were just flying. Listening back to it makes me cry sometimes.”

In truth, U.F.O.F. (the last f stands for “friend,” a way of humanizing the foreign) is a gorgeous record. Soft & gentle, full of songs about the constant tussle between things known & unknown. A real headphones-on-an-airplane record. And then, out of nowhere, Big Thief announced that they had a second (!) record on the way in the Fall. A dirt & earth twin for U.F.O.F., a special surprise gift for their burgeoning fan base. They announced Two Hands with the vicious single “Not,” a song very unlike “Cattails.” A brooding, ravenous rock song that made me remember why I love unhinged, well-written, unafraid rock & roll music. Another song of the year contender. If you’ve followed this blog the last few months, my well thought out comments to “Not” were “ohhhhhhhhhhhhh shit” & “oh my holy shit.” to the live version! But it was actually the second track on Two Hands that solidified Big Thief’s greatness for me. “Forgotten Eyes” is sonically similar to “Cattails” and rides the same effortless rhythm, driven by Lenker’s repeating guitar riff and James Krivchenia’s consistently impressive drumming. The riff seems to fall in & out magically, and the writing bookends “Cattails” with lyrics that speak to both a great pain & a great universal truth. While she wanders through homelessness & death, Lenker reflects beautifully on the life cycle we (& our planet, & maybe everything?) are all going through.

    “Forgotten dance is the one left at birth / Forgotten plants in the fossils of earth / & they’ve long passed but they are no less the dirt / Of the common soil keeping us dry & warm / The wound has no direction / Everybody needs a home & deserves protection…”

BLACK BELT EAGLE SCOUT   /   At the Party With My Brown Friends

    After finding Black Belt Eagle Scout’s debut album late last year, I soundtracked many a dusk, dawn, or midnight drive with her swirling vocals & entrancing guitar, usually in the cold & dark, through the early part of 2019. It made my 2018 favorites list, and her Larimer Lounge show in May was a highlight. I guess it makes sense then, that I didn’t truly fall for her sophomore album At the Party With My Brown Friends (released in August) until it got cold in November and I was able to take it out for some dark, snowy drives. Moody & serious at times, Black Belt Eagle Scout sounds every bit like the gray Pacific Northwest where front person Katherine Paul (KP) hails from. The lyrics are simple, repeating phrases, full of deep, important ideas. Family & friends. People & land. There are bursts of guitar coming out of rewarding slow builds, shredd-y, rhythmic, & melodic. Also, all the instruments on ATPWMBF are played by KP, and the drumming is fucking fantastic.

I have some sort of longer form writing building somewhere in the back of my mind about listening to music in cars, and both Black Belt Eagle Scout albums are perfect examples for that. I have always loved the feeling of having roads (highways or simply long straight dirt back roads) & music to listen to. In high school, we would sometimes get in the car simply to drive & listen to music (small town life ya know?) and I still relish any chance I get to take new (or old & long loved) songs & albums on road trips or just commutes around town. The time to sit with the songs, to focus on nothing but the words & melodies, instruments & voices, & the pull of the road, mystical & magical. Black Belt Eagle Scout’s songs have been a calming companion on a lot of drives over the last year, and I recommend you taking them out on a spin of your own. Drive to that coffee shop that’s 30 minutes away that you’ve been wanting to go to, drive out of town just to drive, alone with your thoughts & the road. You just might learn something about yourself.

    “& I wake up / I love you / Screaming loudly / Screaming softly too / Am I here? / My heart dreams…”

BON IVER   /   i,i

    Bon Iver is a long time favorite and if you’ve followed this blog at all, you know how much I love his albums and how much Justin Vernon’s Eaux Claires festival has helped shaped my musical timeline. Seeing 22, A Million (the record that precedes i,i) live in Wisconsin by the river for the first time, was something special. That record made my 2016 favorites list, but until this year, until i,i, my story of the music felt very insular. Special & secret for me, confined to very specific times & places. Only to make me feel certain things. It’s why I was hesitant to buy a ticket to see the Red Rocks show last September. Or why I questioned streaming the album early while I was on vacation in Holden Beach, North Carolina. I thought the songs were only meant to carry me back to the river, back to Wisconsin, back to the Summer. Back to a very specific, special place in my heart. But thanks to the wonders of spotify, and the Bon Iver crew just up and releasing the album a week early under the simple & generous guise of “wanting folks to have the album & learn the songs before the tour!!” I obliged and… YESSSS that’s how you do an album release in 2019! I had the album in my headphones as I ran and sweated on the beach in North Carolina, letting brand new songs transport me thousands of miles away.

i,i is a gloriously weird, perfected mess of a hit indie record. It’s everything I wanted the next chapter of the Bon Iver story to be. It feels personal & widescreen. Little moments stretched out and shared with family & friends. Lyrics about growth & hard work & life (& a few WTFs, it’s Bon Iver after all!) The gang’s all here again (the massive crew that worked on the album are all pictured on the record’s gloriously, weird inside gatefold!) recorded from Vernon’s home (April) base in Wisconsin, to Sonic Ranch in west Texas (also pictured in the liner notes) walking distance from our southern border. The sounds are all here again too. There are hints of For Emma’s Winter falsetto folk in the gorgeous acoustic guitar of “Marion.” There are the industrial swells & stomps, bleeps & bloops of bi, bi’s Spring in the warbling, green grass, warmth of “Holyfields.” Then there is the distortion, the choppy samples of 22, in the jigsaw glory of “iMi,” the way it starts & stops, all choruses & voices, real & programmed. Threads of new songs tied up with threads from long, long ago. There is a fullness to i,i, a generosity, a true front to back album, with hits & new favorites sprinkled everywhere. The second half blooms with the charging folk of “Salem” & “Faith” and the contentedness of closer “RABi.” These are songs that I will love for years to come. These songs make me happy. They make me think. They make me want to share them with friends. They make me want to work on relationships. Songs about life. Songs about true, unconditional friendship. As Justin said way back in 2015, when my journey with the Bon Iver story began “The story is history, nothing more. Only the music can rise anew. & it is gone as soon as it is sung. & so we sing again…” I am soo soo happy to sing again, with songs anew.

    “Living in a lonesome way / Had me looking other ways / Cuz I am lost here again / But on a bright Fall morning I’m with it / I stood a little within it…”

EARTHGANG   /   Mirrorland

      EARTHGANG’s major label debut Mirrorland comes in hot & dancing, a hip hop duo with a true tribute to Southern culture, and a whole world encapsulated in 14 tracks. My personal introduction to the EARTHGANG universe, came courtesy of a dusk till dark dance fest at Denver’s Underground Music Showcase on South Broadway back in sweaty July. Their energy was infectious, their stories hilarious, & their songs stuck in my head. Specifically the Young Thug featuring “Proud Of U,” a song that carries enthusiasm & positivity through to the end. Other standouts include colorful, bouncing opener “LaLa Challenge,” & the squealing horns of Atlanta hot spot, name dropping “Wings.” A concept album of sorts Mirrorland references “The Wiz” as a jumping off point saying,

“We thought about how, if we’re going to make a project sonically to rival The Wiz, we got to create another world for people to imagine & go to. You know when Dorothy got swept away and she met the Munchkins? That was such a beautiful thing. You could see Quincy Jones on the piano, just playing away. It’s really colorful. It’s really dangerous. It’s really trippy. It’s literally Freaknik Atlanta in the summertime—folks riding around in cars with big rims with paint on their faces.”

EARTHGANG was formed in 2008 by high school buddies Johnny Venus & Doctur Doc in Atlanta, GA.  It’s impossible to ignore Outkast comparisons and for their part, EARTHGANG does their best to keep up the Southern hip hop tradition. Mixing in bits of soul, blues, & jazz, Mirrorland plays like an homage, a soundtrack to the South. A real reminder that the album is not dead. These songs sound best played together. Also, that the hip hop group, or duo, is not dead. And finally, that touring and playing live shows is most definitely not dead. I probably still wouldn’t have heard about EARTHGANG if it wasn’t for their primo UMS slot (at the same Import Mechanics stage where Leikeli47 & Kiltro played!) and infectiously positive live show. Speaking of their live show, see y’all at Cervantes on February 3!

      “One time, one time for your baby moms / Two time for the hand in the candy jar / Holy Ghost showed up in my favorite thong / Three times in the car for the way we are / Another white man scared, another black man dead / Another rich man war, another red man bled / I been writing this album down way too long / When I drop my shit, pray it hit the toilet like lala, lalalalala...”

FRUIT BATS   /   Gold Past Life

    In the Autumn of 2013, my coworker Cassandra Disney at Mile High Organics played me “When You Love Somebody” by Fruit Bats (had that song already been out for 10 years in 2013?!) on one of her early morning work mixes, and I immediately put it on one of my favorite (if embarrassingly bro-folk heavy) mixes I have ever made myself. Discovering a weird/cool indie band in the vein of all my other loves (Band of Horses, The Shins, Modest Mouse, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, etc…) but more underground (!) was hipster heaven. I subsequently forgot about Fruit Bats for awhile, but was reminded with their graceful “comeback” album Absolute Loser in 2016. Although that one missed my favorites list, it gradually became a constant road trip companion; from the mountains of Colorado, through the great American Southwest, and even on some epic Mexican back roads. All alt-country, lost 70′s AM radio classics, and wistful, witty, & wise writing about highways and scenery. A true classic.  

I was therefore super excited for Gold Past Life (Fruit Bats’s seventh album?!) to drop on Merge Records this Summer, and fell in love pretty quickly on a late afternoon drive across the high road between Taos and Santa Fe, New Mexico back in late June. Swirling guitar, bouncy piano. and Eric D. Johnson’s piercing, clear, impassioned vocals. Fruit Bats sound timeless & effervescent. Upbeat guitar rock with some weird twists, and Johnson’s consistently bittersweet, humorous, & big hearted lyrics. Growing up, growing older, & grinning a wry smile at a golden world. After catching back to back beautiful Fruit Bats shows in Fort Collins & here in Denver at the Bluebird this September, these folks are the real deal. Long live touring bands, long live seventh albums, long live music marking time & space! Here’s to many more Fruit Bats albums, Gold Past Life will be car stereo classic for awhile.

    “Still waiting around for some mystical shift in the winds / So honey please, don’t go just yet / Cigarette fingers, a shake in the knees / A bit blue, kind of tired, but not broken… Anticipating a magical bend in the road / So hang on, take it slow / Your go bag is packed & your hangover gone / Another dawn at the edge of the known world…”

HISS GOLDEN MESSENGER   /   Terms of Surrender

    Durham, North Carolina’s Hiss Golden Messenger (folklorist, family man, & singer-songwriter MC Taylor & revolving crew) have become something of a mainstay on this music blog & in my car’s cd player over the last five years. I picked up a used (!), advance (!) copy of Lateness of Dancers in the $1 bin at a record store in Seattle, Washington. after having been passed a burned copy of his 2010 solo album Bad Debt by an old coworker. Lateness ended up on my 2014 favorites list. Two years later, Heart Like A Levee made my 2016 list, and the next year, Hallelujah Anyhow was one of my favorites of 2017! I referred to the songs on Hallelujah as Hiss “building a repertoire, creating a legacy.” This may seem like quite a bit of superfluous backstory, but believe me, it is essential to the story, a journal of the journey. Geographic art for a topographic heart if you will. But anyway, Terms of Surrender…

The title is cryptic, referencing (as Taylor puts it “what we are prepared to sacrifice in order to live the lives that we think we want”) and the songs are deep (& growing deeper) & timeless. Not so much timeless in the way Yola’s songs sound timeless (skip down a few albums on this list to read about Yola!) but timeless in the way the songs seem to seep their way into my bones and stay for years. Terms burst on the scene with the release of the first single “I Need a Teacher” back in stormy June. With bright, rolling guitar stabs courtesy of The National’s Aaron Dessner (whose upstate New York recording studio was home for the Terms recording sessions), “Teacher” is about “the search for infallible guidance in an ever-changing universe.” but it is also about everyday work. Dedicated every night of the tour to all the teachers in the room, a political statement wrapped up in the seemingly obvious sentiment of “Defend Public Schools.” See what I mean? Timeless songs written for the here & now. “Bright Direction” & “My Wing” are reminiscent of Hallelujah’s “Jenny” & “Darkness.” a 1-2 punch of driving, drifting major key numbers, written from a hillside in Virginia, high on mushrooms. They contain multitudes. With a murky middle (Brad Cook gets funky on “Old Enough to Wonder Why” & “Cat’s Eye Blue”) & the already canonical Hiss’ live fav “Happy Birthday Baby,” the back half of Terms spreads out the Hiss’ sound in new ways. New live favorite, the nostalgic “Down at the Uptown,” had me googling maps of San Francisco to find the mythical Uptown bar where Taylor first heard Patti Smith’s Horses.

In late October, Hiss played an absolutely glorious three night run at little Globe Hall over in Globeville, just Southeast of where Interstate 70 meets Interstate 25. I went to all three shows. The shows were special & career spanning; from “Jesus Shot Me in the Head,” to Dead covers (& a Jesus & Mary Chain cover!) to all the Terms songs.  I spent the Saturday afternoon before show #2, walking around the disappearing & rapidly gentrifying neighborhood in & around Globeville (& drifting across the highway into Sunnyside) listening to Terms of Surrender on my headphones. Thinking about the things I’m willing to sacrifice, thinking about the life I want, what are my Terms? After all, “It’s a real live world & I wanna live in it.”

    “Something drove me crazy / Love had me lazy / Backwards won’t get me to my destination / Move me in some bright direction / Looking to be captured, looking for my freedom / Oh, dreams will come to get you / So careful what you’re wishing / Your family might correct you / Your heart might take a pounding / Make sure you take a picture…”

JUNE JONES   /   Diana

    I can’t remember where I first heard of June Jones, but I’d like to think it was from one of my many Australian music friends (thanks Camp Cope, Julia Jacklin, Middle Kids, Courtney Barnett, Gang of Youths etc…!) The music community is a wonderful thing. June’s songs can be hard to explain, but Diana is an epic album that burns with a steady, stately drama. Most of the songs ride swelling synths and measured, 80’s sounding drums and center around June’s unique, emotive voice and head turning lyrics. Jones had fronted the Australian rock band Two Steps on the Water and written songs on the guitar for many years, but it’s pretty clear from listening to the writing and sound on Diana that these songs were meant for piano, synth, and a solo album. Her own writing. Her own words.

The album begins with the brooding “Rome From Afar” and the opening line “I got drunk again last night & I fell down outside the bathroom at my little sister’s party.” It then follows a dancing bass line into an apocalyptic nightmare of a world ending. “Meryl” is a gorgeous, autobiographical (?) song, an ode to “complicated” hard working women everywhere. There are parts of Diana that nod to it being a break up album, like in the gorgeously melancholic “Boulder Falling Slow” (”I am a boulder falling slow / You’re a magnificent spiderweb”) but I have been viewing it as just a complex, everyday life album. Jones lets her magnificent voice trail slowly over seemingly uncomfortable or awkward topics that she strives to make… not so. Sorry Alex Cameron, your “eating your ass like an oyster” line in “Miami Memory” is only the second best “eating ass” line this year after Jones’ “Look at You Go!” Her voice often belies the emotion in her lyrics, she works it up & down, and lets it stretch out over words, like in lonely closer “Sixteen Horses,” but she also sounds almost matter of fact at times. There is a moment in the piano led “Thorn” where she glibly throws “Have you seen the moon tonight? No, me neither, who cares about the moon when everything is dying?” over an understated horn trill. Everything is dying after all, but I want June Jones to sing it to me like an Australian Lana Del Rey or Matt Berninger. Trust me, you’ll be hearing more about June Jones in the coming years. Watch out.

    “I haven’t thought too much about family / Ain’t got no husband or a couple of kids / I’ve spent 26 years in this office / I said goodbye to my relationships a long time ago / What does the mayor of a small town heart do after she retires?”

JUSTIN PETER KINKEL-SCHUSTER   /   Take Heart, Take Care

     My long time music friend Adam over at songsfortheday had been trying to tell me about Justin Peter Kinkel-Schuster for quite a few mixes with songs I loved from his 2016 release Constant Stranger. But it somehow wasn’t until I needed Take Heart, Take Care, that Schuster’s work hit me right. It didn’t feel like a light at the end of the tunnel, but more like a light in the tunnel, something lasting, a collection of songs lifting up & out towards a light. As Schuster wrote upon it’s release…

     “Here, I’ve fumbled my way, as always, and of necessity, into a collection of songs that hold a light to the joys & comforts of life not given up on, those that appear over time as we are looking elsewhere, to surprise & delight us when we need them most. Sure, it’s me, so there are glimpses of and nods to the dark, but the dark is not winning anymore. I simply mean to acknowledge its presence. To me, that’s the most fundamental job of songs, of stories, of all art — to be allies, friends, companions, when we need them most and it’s my hope that these songs can do that work in a world that seems to need it. If you are lucky enough to have something good to say, say it. Please. We’ll thank each other, now & later.”

So i guess it’s that second part that I have found solace in through my 20′s and into my 30′s. That songs (and stories & all art, but songs & albums seem to be my thing) can be allies, friends, & companions, and that sometimes (like Hanif Abdurraqib wrote in his brilliant collection of essays “They Can’t Kill Us Until They Kill Us”)…

     “If you believe, as I do, that a blessing is a brief breath to take in that doesn’t taste of whatever is holding you under: say I Speak To God In Public and mean more than just in his house, or mean more than just next to people who might also speak to God in public, or say God and mean whatever has kept you alive when so many other things have failed to.“

Take Heart, Take Care is a straightforward, well written, indie rock album. The songs ring true with light & darkness, an uplifting take on growing older and finding “Plenty Wonder” still to be found in the world. Schuster played the Hi-Dive on South Broadway in November, the last show on the Take Heart tour. A show I had bought tickets for months in advance, and I found myself in a crowd of maybe 15 people, celebrating the songs of Take Heart, Take Care. Listening to a writer with something good to say. Trying all in our own way to hold our own. I have a feeling I’ll keep these songs with me for awhile.

     “Time is the mender / Whose strange mechanics yet untold / Bid us rise entwined together / So take heart, take care / Be true but beware / & honey we need not be scared…”

KARA JACKSON   /   A Song for Every Chamber of the Heart

      In only 10 minutes & 42 seconds, Kara Jackson creates an intimate, magical world with just her voice and a guitar on her debut EP A Song for Every Chamber of the Heart.  Four intricate & intentional songs, none longer than three minutes, finger picked slowly & methodically, Jackson balances a poetic, whimsical wandering with a steely focus on the craft of songwriting. These are the bones of songs, played honest & upfront, with no adornment. There is room for Jackson’s lyrics to really shine, all aching & wistful, yet practical. Like the way she balances “I have a crush, I have an ache” with “I know that love’s just a pain in the ass” in the bittersweet “Crush.” Her songs buzz with a youthful energy & teen angst. Wise beyond their years, finding their way in the world. As a songwriter and a poet, Jackson writes about race, activism, social justice, self, bodies, & humanity.

At 20 (!) years old, Chicago’s Jackson is... oh also a poet. The 2019 National Youth Poet Laureate (!) in fact, and it was her absolutely breathtaking writing about being a teenager that first caught my attention. She quotes Gwendolyn Brooks (pulitzer prize winning American poet) in her Ted Talk saying “write what’s under your nose.” She says that Brooks took the mundane and put it on a pedestal. That she understood there are “poems in train cars, poems on front lawns, & poems in microwaves & tea kettles.” An almost obligation to celebrate the ordinary. Ordinary folks celebrating similar ordinary folks. It’s the way that John Darnielle howls on The Mountain Goats song “Werewolf Gimmick” (track nine on 2015′s Beat the Champ) about “nameless bodies in unremembered rooms.” In his prerelease essay for Merge Records, music writer Joseph Fink wrote that the entire career of The Mountain Goats has been about “giving names to nameless bodies and remembering unremembered rooms.” and what a worthy cause that is. That thought has stuck with me for years and I have always loved the specificity of it. Whether it is Darnielle resurrecting historical characters real or fictional, or the way Lady Lamb (keep reading a few more albums down!) celebrates the specifics of her friends & family, in all the messy details. Written in song, remembered forever. It is also essential that all cultures have artists who look like them and think like them, as the ones doing the remembering.  It’s why it’s so important that Kara Jackson is the one doing the remembering for young black girls. The same way Eve Ewing did for her, and Gwendolyn Brooks did before that. I can appreciate the magic of the remembering, but I need to let them be the ones to tell the stories. Oh, speaking of appreciating, I bugged Jackson enough on social media and got a handmade PHYSICAL copy of the EP that I’m hanging onto forever cuz it’s probably gonna be like the next original pressing of Bon Iver’s For Emma! Thanks Kara!

      “Don’t take my pillowcase, that's my place to be alone / Don’t take my lamp from me, it helps me read about places I don’t know / Don’t take a lot for me to be on my own...”

KILTRO   /   Creatures of Habit

      My end of the year albums list usually has at least one local Denver band. The Lumineers way back in 2012, Gregory Alan Isakov & Covenhoven in 2013, Nathaniel Rateliff, Covenhoven (again!), & The Yawpers in 2015, Nina de Freitas in 2017 (hey Nina & the Hold Tight, new album in 2020 please?!), and Izcalli last year. Kiltro is a part Coloradan, part Chilean folk band that have been putting on one of my favorite live shows around town this year. The brainchild of Chris Bowers-Castillo, a native Coloradan who spent time growing up in Valparaiso, Chile, Kiltro is named after the Spanish word “Quiltro” meaning a mixed breed dog. A dog that Kiltro has taken for their logo. In their own way, Kiltro is a mix breed; both in the way they mix the sounds of South America with the folk music of North America, and also the way they mix organic, acoustic instrumentation, with electronic, looping sounds and effects pedals. Their live show is a masterclass in layers, with Bowers-Castillo adding loops of guitar rhythms (sometimes simply bare hands slapping beats on the top of the guitar) to steady bass & drums, until the songs swell & build into dramatic crescendos and almost EDM-influenced drops. The extended intros & outros are my favorite parts of their songs and the live versions (from their sweaty 2pm UMS dance party, to Lulu’s Downstairs in Manitou Springs) have stirred hearts & feet alike with dancing not usually found in the Colorado “indie-hipster” scene. Keep an eye on these guys and maybe come out to Larimer Lounge in January and witness the dance party for yourself!

      “Somewhere down the bank where the dogs go / Por la calle que te lleva a Curicó / & down the beach, where no others can find / Ni por agua, piso, coche, ni avión...”

LADY LAMB   /   Even in the Tremor

      As I have been writing this year’s favorites list, I’m realizing that so many of the albums I loved & learned, came hand in hand with experiencing the artist, and specifically that new album, live. Lady Lamb released Even in the Tremor, her masterful & moving third album, way back in April, and I had a Spring-y three weeks to learn all her intricate, visceral lyrics to sing back at her Larimer Lounge stop in Denver on the Deep Love tour. Maine by way of Brooklyn’s (by way of a bunch of other places) Aly Spaltro has always written songs for Lady Lamb like her hair’s on fire. Wailing & gasping about blood & guts & death over spiraling electric guitar, there is a realness to her writing that reminds me of the east coast emo I grew up on. But for all the blood red gore & messy heartbreak that colors much of the Lady Lamb discography, there is a light hearted tenderness as well. Tremor has songs written for & about friends, lovers, parents, & god. Quirky opener “Little Flaws” is a first-dance-worthy love song, while personal favorites “Strange Maneuvers” & “Emily” are odes to platonic friendships, mental health, & growing up. In the same way I wrote about Kara Jackson celebrating the ordinary, Lady Lamb has always celebrated specifics of people, time & space. Tremor’s characters are Spaltro’s real life people (Emily, Shervin, Kurt (Kurtie Bear), Isaac, & her Mom), and the places (the diner, the batting cage, Templehof Park, Midtown, Berlin, Montreal, Madrid, a fast food joint, the stage of a church, someplace upstate, Lavanderia & Graham Ave) are specific, varied, & globe spanning. Her stories are autobiographical and rewarding and the music is stirring, singer-songwriter rock & roll with some punch behind it. She is one of my favorite modern writers for her ability to not just tell a story, but to find wonder in the small things and to celebrate the ordinary. Like she tells Shervin, minutes before “Emily” closes the album on a gorgeous, uplifting high note, “No photographic artifact, but here is something better than that.”

      “There’s a picture that I found, my first car in the falling snow / Seems like yesterday I drove down into low tide / & Isaac snapped a polaroid of me pretending I was sinking, pressed against the glass pleading / I misplaced it but I’m looking... / When we are young, if only we could see beyond our fears where we are free / When we are lonely if only we could know that in our stillness we are growing... / All the portraits we collected, while we were running around in the desert / We were trying to seem fulfilled to rewrite our New York City narratives / But Emily we were utterly dejected / We took turns crying on the passenger side of America / Too clouded to be empowered by towering Redwoods... / When did we lose the ancient truths? / Is it what we’re born bending our bodies toward?...”

LIZZO   /   Cuz I Love You

      For much of 2019, Lizzo could be heard playing everywhere. The 31 year old Minnesotan’s third full length album Cuz I Love You, came out in April, after a busy three years of huge singles, consistent touring, & building a repertoire of songs capable of headlining arenas. When Lizzo finally exploded these last few years, it has been fun watching the whole world embrace her uptempo, bold, self-love anthems, and hearing them blaring from open Subaru windows in Cap HIll, from balconies & rooftops in uptown, and on the lips of countless joggers & bikers, loving themselves in the Denver Summer sun. I know for my part, I took Lizzo with me to the beaches of North Carolina & through the Southern mountains of Colorado, dancing, singing, & gleefully giggling along. Bottom line, the songs on Cuz I Love You are FUN! You try not to crack a smile as Lizzo romps through “Never been in love before, what the fuck are fucking feelings yo?” on the bouncing, brassy, vocal led, track one title track MOMENT. Or the way she makes up the word “accessorary” on the spot (“my ass is not an accessorary”) and then fires back with “Yeah, I said it, accessorary!” Lizzo has been an outspoken supporter of our generation’s version of the self-love, body positivity movement, and has put her money (and body) where her mouth is, inspiring legions of teens & twenty somethings to do the same. “Soulmate” is a loner anthem that finds Lizzo belting “True love ain’t something you can buy yourself / True love finally happens when you’re by yourself / So if you by yourself, then go and buy yourself another round from the bottle on the higher shelf.” The soulful slowdown “Jerome” is about being the bigger person and ending a relationship that isn’t working. Lizzo manages to actually address her own issues, focus on the work she needs to do (“I’m trying to be patient & patience takes practice.”) and still absolutely belt a singalong chorus that rhymes Jerome with “take your ass home.” Also, the deluxe version of Cuz I Love You tacks on three previous Lizzo singles that hadn’t found an album home. Those singles? “Boys,” “Truth Hurts,” & “Water Me.” Three songs totaling almost 555 MILLION plays on Spotify. With apologies to Ariana Grande & Billie Eilish (Billie see ya in a few months at the Pepsi Center!) Lizzo is the biggest superstar that I want on this list. And she 100% deserves every bit of it.

      “If I’m shinin’ everybody gonna’ shine...”

ORVILLE PECK   /   pony

      There is an appealing, theatrical quality to the dramatic country songs on Orville Peck’s debut record Pony. I spent my high school years growing up in small town Western Colorado so country music has been embedded in my brain since I was 11. I’ve gone through so many phases of loving it, hating it, loving it ironically, nostalgically, hating it for it’s sound, cheesiness, backwards politics, etc... But with Pony; these are true country songs written by a gay, masked cowboy anti-hero from.. Toronto? Maybe? Who is Orville Peck?!?! It’s like all the best parts of “country” music came together. And the mask? The fringe? All the packaging & theatrics? It makes it fun. Part Bowie, part Coheed & Cambria, part Grace Jones, part Ghost, part Brandon Flowers. Hollywood meets Vegas meets Carson City.

When I listen to Orville Peck’s songs it brings together so many feelings from my youth. From country radio & boxes of old country cds, to the dramatic side of theatre, play acting on a stage, dress-up, halloween, cowboys, loneliness, & the open road. From the tumbleweed roll & mournfully powerful coyote howl of opener “Dead of Night,” to the shoegaze rumble, autumn ride of “Winds Change.” Peck’s lyrics are honest & heartfelt, drawing on sweeping, western imagery, & idolizing the classic country ideal... the cowboy. Music marks time & place and Peck makes sure to reference the cities along his highway songs. Salt Lake City, Las Vegas, Carson City, Kansas, a veritable Rand McNally road map of the American West. In the same manner as both Black Belt Eagle Scout albums, Fruit Bats, & Caroline Rose from last year, it wasn’t until a highway drive that I truly fell in love with Pony. It was a brilliant November sunset & still warm, but windy & changing, and we knew we had to hustle to beat the snow back to Denver. Highway 159 from the Southern Colorado border through Costilla County, on the way towards Fort Garland & then Walsenburg. Purple & Orange out the window to my left, Winter on it’s way. Peck’s songs sang with a heartache... a loss. a rhinestone loneliness that country finds a way to revel in. When “Kansas (Remembers Me Now)” statics out like a long lost FM radio. When “Hope to Die” fake ends at 3:30 and instead key change pivots like a washed-up Broadway starlet, shooting her shot on a dusty jukebox. When “Nothing Fades Like the Light” draws its last, peaceful breath, closing Pony like the last light of that November sunset. Thanks Orville, this one’s a classic.

      “Fell in love with a rider / Dirt king, black crown / Six months on a knucklehead hog / I like him best when he's not around / He gets me high, oh, big sky... Fell in love with a boxer / Stayed awake all year / Heartbreak is a warm sensation / When the only feeling that you know is fear / I don't know why, oh, big sky...”

RAPSODY   /   Eve

      Rapsody’s third album Eve is a masterclass on rap music, and the Snow Hill, North Carolina rapper sounds relaxed & loose, while still staying focused & on topic with an album that reads as, as Rapsody herself puts it “a love letter to all black women including myself.” She is at the top of her game right now, and these songs cement Rapsody as one of the premier rappers in an exciting field of rap talent both young & old.  

Each track on the album is dedicated to one of Rapsody’s personal heroes, and I am going to focus these words & my research for Eve (besides listening to it nonstop, which I’m currently doing now!) on those black women. Track one is for Nina Simone (”without Nina there’s no Lauryn Hill, & without Lauryn Hill there’s no Rapsody.”) and features critically important verses about black heritage & culture over Nina’s terrifying & sobering classic “Strange Fruit.” Rapsody is recognizing her legacy and the importance of heritage, but she is clearly claiming her spot in that bloodline. “Cleo” preaches standing up for yourself over a Phil Collins sample (between Cleo & Lucy Dacus, “In the Air Tonight” is getting some serious love this year!) and is named after Queen Latifah’s character in the 1996 movie “Set it Off.” From there Rapsody recognizes artists (Aaliyah), philanthropists (Oprah & Michelle Obama), actresses (Whoopi), athletes (Serena Williams & Ibtihaj Muhammed), writers (Maya Angelou & Reyna Biddy), models (Iman & Tyra Banks), and historical figures & activists (Hatshepsut, Myrlie Evers-Williams, Sojourner Truth, & Afeni Shakur). Bottom line, ALL of these women are essential google material (you’re reading this on your phone or laptop, google and give yourself a five minute refresher if there’s anyone you don’t already know!) While you’re at it, google the lyrics for Eve (and Jamila Woods’ equally incredible, equally name dropping LEGACY! LEGACY!) and listen along. This is an important time capsule document for Rapsody and it’s just a damn good rap album.

      “I am Nina & Roberta, the one you love but ain't heard of / Got my middle finger up like Pac after attempted murder / Failed to kill me, it's still me, woke up singing Shirley Murdock / As we lay these edges down, brown women, we so perfect...”      

SABA LOU   /   Novum Ovum

      When I listen to Saba Lou’s intoxicating sophomore album Novum Ovum, I am transported to somewhere magical & different. Maybe older, maybe out of place & time. Everything about Novum feels… classic. From the dusty, record-store-bin-find look of the out of focus cover photo, to the laidback natural way Saba Lou seems to dance along on top of a rollicking house band lifted from the 70’s. There are elements of surf rock, shoegaze, late night soul, and classic rock & roll on Ovum, but it is all driven by the singular writing & vocals of Saba Lou. In the liner notes of the record, a note can be found, claiming that this album is meant to be from the future. 2286 to be exact! Is a concept album?! Is it actually from the future & delivered to us by a time traveling band of Germans?!! Does it have songs about Star Trek??!! Maybe, mayyyybeee... & YES!

Yet to turn 20 (!), Saba Lou is a German born singer songwriter who has been making & releasing music since she was literally six years old! Novum Ovum is Latin for “the new egg” and features a hot four piece full band, and wonderfully fleshed out songs that bounce and swing with palpable energy. The lyrics span an awesomely wide spectrum from endometriosis pain (the title track obv) to a Star Trek mindmeld tune sung from the perspective of Gracie the pregnant whale (closer “Humpback in Time”)!! All in all, Saba Lou is an absolutely electric songwriter and her youthfulness & fervor are contagious. It’s the reason I love making this list every year, and what makes discovering new music so exciting. Can’t wait for the next one!

      “A brick wall around your placenta / Cut them all off from her mother blood / The hounds call for appassionata / A phoenetic paste for the fetal bud...”

SHARON VAN ETTEN   /   Remind Me Tomorrow

      Over the last few years I started the practice of making a draft favorite albums list in January and adding albums throughout the year, as I fall in love with them. This way I don’t forget the ones I loved in January & February, the ones that got me through the backend of the Winter. I’m able to track my year in music as it develops, a sort of captain’s log. A living, personal journal using music to mark time & space as I sprint my way through another increasingly faster, increasingly chaotic year. Sometimes, scrolling through the list acts as a comfort. “That album only came out this year?! OK, this year isn’t moving too fast, that feels like forevvverrrr ago!” Sometimes it helps to show me how much I’ve grown, how much an album has meant, or has helped with my mental & emotional growth. This year, the very first album I added to that list, the very first album that I fell hard & holy hell in love with... was Sharon Van Etten’s Remind Me Tomorrow.

A blast of energy. A weird synthy, pulsing red & blue darkness. Simultaneously club-y & indie rock vibey. Van Etten’s fifth album is supposedly written from a place of contentment. A marriage, a child, a life & happiness discovered. Less desperation, more introspection. I hear in her voice & words, how taking care of yourself, how striving to be your best self, can bring out the most powerful, most emotional art. She also isn’t afraid to let her voice go and I think her vocal performances are what truly take Tomorrow to another level. “Memorial Day” rides a haunting vocal loop & tumbles in nearly wordless, glimmering vowels, all ethereal magnificence. The chorus of the brooding “Jupiter 4″ spirals upwards & then rollercoasters, a late night drunken banger. But at the heart of Remind Me Tomorrow sits one of my songs of the year, one of my songs of the decade, “Seventeen.” I had heard it first live, way back in October 2018 in the rain in the mountains at Red Rocks. I got tipsy & wrote about it the day it came out, January 8, 2019, after a long, cold stretch working the night shift. This album & especially this song will stay with me for a long time. Sharon has taught me to keep working on myself. To look back in fondness. To think about how, with hard work, how much joy & peace & comfort await in my coming years. But she also taught me to lean into emotions. To embrace the ache of memories and the bittersweetness of growing up. Thanks for making this album Sharon.

      “Downtown hotspot, halfway up the street / I used to be free, I used to be 17 / Follow my shadow around your corner / I used to be 17, now you're just like me / Down beneath the ashes & stone / Sure of what I've lived and have known / I see you so uncomfortably alone / I wish I could show you how much you've grown...”

TIM BAKER   /   Forever Overhead

      I have a special feeling tied to the collection of intimate, swirling songs Tim Baker released this year from Canada. Forever Overhead carries a certain small town holiness, recognizable to those who grew up in small towns , but specific to his own personal, north-north-eastern-eastern “small” town, St Johns, in Newfoundland & Labrador, Canada. Growing up on the farthest coast of the Atlantic on the tippy, tippy point of Canada (seriously google it!), Baker fronted emo band Hey Rosetta! for four albums until striking out this Spring on his own with Arts & Crafts Records. There is a very Springsteen-esque bent to the way he writes about growing up somewhere (as someone) small & wanting to be somewhere very big and exciting. He captures the bittersweetness of growing up so perfectly. From the teenage romantic feelings in swaying opener “Dance” & the rousing “Mirrors,” to the friends & bars & singing found in the melancholic “Spirit” and the absolute hit “All Hands.” The latter is the core of the album, a bright, rhythmic guitar number that builds & swells with voices & instrumentation to a few huge, singalong choruses. A real song of the year contender. Baker isn’t afraid to let the songs go on journeys on Forever Overhead and they rarely finish where they begin. Horns & handclaps burst in at points, celebratory & fearless. The sexual tension of “Strange River” is lightened with a false start and a “sorry. In ‘D’” followed by a belly laugh, before restarting. The light & dark are present throughout Overhead and listening to these songs remind me of growing up. I feel like I’m being given a secret glance into Baker’s youth and the parts that mirror mine make me want to lift my voice in unison with those that understand. Sometimes small collections of well written & well played songs can do that, and to me... it’s sacred. Hopefully I get a chance to visit St Johns someday, and if I do, these songs will be playing as my soundtrack.

      “A boy in bed, all the windows wide / You can hear the hot rods running from the light / From the light, into the dark / That's all I wanted in my cousin's car / To listen to the wind & to the lead guitars / & feel the reckless running of your heart / Now is that gone or does that all remain? / Can I go back and have it all again? / Well now I know it, where I'm going / I'm going back behind the river / I'm going back behind the rain / Cuz no matter where you're heading / You end up where you’ve been...”

YOLA   /   Walk Through Fire

     It’s clear from the first minute & 30 seconds of Yola’s debut full-length Walk Through Fire, that this album is destined to be an all-time classic. She comes in slow & wistful with “wish I knew what you were wishing for...” over a soft wash of cymbals and mournful country-soul guitar. Then one minute in, her voice swells to gigantic proportions, seeming to lift the song right off the page, carried into another stratosphere, timeless & magnetic. That “Faraway Look” in your eyes.

From there, Yola (36 year old Yolanda Quartey from Bristol, England) takes her commanding voice through bluesy, fiddle-led country (”It Ain’t Easier” & the title track), and laid back soul (”Shady Grove” & “Deep Blue Dream”). Personal fav “Ride Out In The Country” became a backroads, summer anthem for me this year on multiple trips through Southern & Western Colorado. Through it all, her voice booms, whispers, & rocks gently, propelling the songs forward with warmth & light. Her lyrics are full of both dreamy memories & work-a-day stories about the challenges of life. It was fun this year to have different friends & family members get into Yola at different times, getting texts like “have you heard of YOLA??!!” Sharing songs, & collections of songs (like the ones on Walk Through Fire) is what makes making this list every year so fun, and I’m always excited to see what new, life-long favorites I will discover. See you in a couple months at the Bluebird Theater on Colfax here in Denver Yola!! Can’t wait!

      “A little shady grove / A memory long ago / A tale too old to know the ending / I gave it all away / It takes my breath away...”

[mspaleoart]

Meganeura – Late Carboniferous (305-299 Ma)

Remember a while ago, when I talked about big Carboniferous arthropods, and then proceeded to talk about a tiny one? And then at the end, promised to talk about the big ones ‘soon’? Well, it’s finally time. This is one of my favorite insects of all time, and one that was really, really fun to draw.

Meganeura, (‘large nerve,’) was one of the biggest flying insects ever. Its wingspan ranged from 25-28 inches (65-70 centimeters). This is an insect the size of a crow, as David from the Common Descent Podcast put it. It’s a member of a clade called Meganisoptera, or griffinflies, and are closely-related to dragonflies and mayflies. Meganeura is an unusually well-preserved insect. Its name comes from the fact that several of its fossils clearly shows the veins of its wings. This is what we paleoinvertebrate enthusiasts call a Big Deal™. And look at the detail of those segments, and even the head, which is unusual for Meganisopteran fossils.

I discussed this the last time I talked about a Carboniferous arthropod, but the Carboniferous and very early Permian are the only time insects got this huge. Afterwards, they never got quite this big again. That’s likely because the Carboniferous atmosphere contained around 33% oxygen content, whereas now it’s only 21%. Arthropods have no lungs. Air flows through openings in their body called spiracles, and is then carried through their respiratory system and distributed through the body directly. The movement of the different segments of their body also helps move oxygen. They don’t inhale or exhale, and they don’t have blood as we know it. It doesn’t carry oxygen, and functions more like our lymphatic fluid.

If this sounds dumb and impractical, it’s actually way more efficient for small animals. It’s a lot less effort than active respiration. Small vertebrates are always breathing so quickly, but arthropods are just fine. The downside is, they can only get so big, since they need a certain amount of ambient oxygen or they just can’t breathe. But the Carboniferous offered exactly that, and thusly, we have monstrosities like Meganeura and its pals.

There is some controversy to this idea, though. Similarly-sized Meganisopterans lived into the Permian, when the oxygen content appears to be much closer to that of today. Scientists also point to a lack of flying vertebrates, giving insects license to party in the sky.

This was a predatory insect, if ever there was one. It ate other insects for the most part, but also ate small amphibians and reptiles if it could get ahold of them. The key phrase there is, “if it could get ahold of them.” Although its living cousins are speedy little fighter jets who can quickly zip and weave, Meganeura was a slower, more powerful ambush hunter. Its eyes were similar in shape to those of modern Hawker dragonflies, which hunt by watching the air overhead and leaping from its perch to snatch flying prey. They were adapted more for hunting in open areas, rather than the dense undergrowth so characteristic of the Carboniferous.

These wings were powerful—modern dragonflies and mayflies fly with what’s called direct flight. This means they have muscles attached directly to their wings, whereas plenty of other insects fly by flexing their bodies to indirectly move their wings. Meganeura probably moved its wings like dragonflies, and that probably allowed it to get so big while retaining its flight and lifestyle. We don’t know for sure how quickly it beat its wings, but they may have sounded something like this.

In summary, this was an insect that acted a lot like a dragonfly, only gigantic. It was a dragonfly that could eat lizards, and whose nymphs were active hunters of small fish and amphibians. This backwards world, where bugs eat fish and are the biggest terrestrial organisms, is part of what makes paleontology so exciting. Everything about Meganeura reads like a description of a sci-fi monster. This is a huge part of why I love the Paleozoic so much, too. It was the slow windup to modern conventions and ecosystems, and in the meantime, pretty much anything went. Bugs could be giant apex predators, and that was just fine.

Also, I did base its color scheme off Yanma and Yanmega, which are two of my favorite Pokemon.

******************************************************************************

Buy me a Coffee, if you’d like!

[anakinsmcu]

How Nintendo stopped me from killing myself.

I have struggled with mental health pretty much all my ‘grown up’ life. From being bullied in high school to having an over critical mother (who I love very much) I’ve struggled.

This past year has been the hardest time for me. I’m 20 yeas old with a full-time job; amazing friends who care about me; the best boyfriend who I’m so unbelievably lucky to have yet I still have depression and anxiety and often question the idea of suicide. I’ve only once went so far to the idea of actually killing myself when I was around 14/15 years old that I wrote a note and sent it my friend. Sometimes I think yeah ok I was just being a teenager, the perfect example of an emo who cut their thighs and cried to my chemical romance but more recently I have just been thinking wow maybe it would be better for everyone around me. It would stop the hurting for me and I could just fall asleep and that would be it. The end. But then I couldn’t do that to the people who love me. I think when I’m in my depressive states nobody cares about me and I should just die but then people do care about me and it’s just my brain telling me lies. It would ruin lives and hurt the people I love the most if I was ever to kill myself. My best friend would but so hurt that I didn’t talk to her first, my boyfriend, my family and I couldn’t do that to them, so I never would. If anyone I know personally reads this you don’t need to worry because I’m never going to go that far, I’ve passed the hurdle and I do believe I am getting better mentally.

Probably wondering how Nintendo comes into this right?

Animal Crossing: New Leaf saved my life (with the help of many other things such as anti-depressants and my boyfriend) but animal crossing weirdly was there for me when I had nothing else. It was my reason to get out of bed in the morning. I had to get up because if I didn’t who was going to water my hybrids and talk to my villagers? It’s Sylvia’s birthday today I need to go to her party, she invited me. What if I missed Crazy Redds visit to my town? I need to get all the artwork for my museum I promised Blathers I would. It sounds ridicules to be saying that a game helped me but sometimes I would be in such a dark place. My boyfriend works full time, my best friend lives in London which is a 7 hour drive away from me. I didn’t want to bother people with my problems which weren’t even problems. I couldn’t phone somebody and just say “hello, I’m really sad. So sad I can’t eat, and I’ve cried non-stop for two hours. Why? I don’t have a reason sorry”. So, I would go and play animal crossing, I would talk to my villagers, they say nice things to me which is a code in a game and they say the same 10 phrases to everyone who plays but it was nice also made me feel helpful when I did deeds for them. I set goals for myself that yes, sound very dumb and pointless that buy this time next week I want to have found all the fossils for my town. It got me out of bed plus gave me something to care about.

But then it’s how did Nintendo save me and not just animal crossing?

Nintendo have released a video saying that they are releasing a new animal crossing game for switch in 2019. I need to be alive, so I can play this game. But also, I bought my first Zelda game as a distraction from my own brain but now I want to play all the Zelda games. I told my boyfriend to buy professor Layton and we now have the first four games and I want to be around to help him with puzzles because it’s fun. I’m not saying that animal crossing alone helped me. My boyfriend did. He is the main reason why I am doing so much better now, he would talk to me and wouldn’t get mad at me for crying every single night over nothing. He would make tea for me if I wasn’t feeling well and he would work all day at a job he hates to come home to a house where the pots needed doing, the floor needed mopping and I have just been there like “hey babe look at how well my flowers are growing in my game” but he would look at my virtual flowers and not get mad. I love him a lot and I’m very thankful for him. He deserves the world and not a depressed girlfriend who can’t make more than five different meals. But soon I’ll be able to make six different meals and then even seven, eight, ten different meals. I’m going to get better and go back to work. Go to the gym, become a better person in myself for him. I’m going to keep playing Nintendo games and I’m going to keep playing animal crossing. I would suggest buying the games because they’re so wholesome and calming. They do help in my opinion. Thank you for reading this post, its very sad but it’s something ive wanted to talk about for a while without being sad. In my own words and my own feelings, this is what depression has been like for me. I have single handled kept PG tips company from going bankrupt with the amount of tea I’ve drank plus also my skin has been glowing because no make-up and tears have been my go so skin care routine for almost two months.

If anyone is reading this is still in the dark times, don’t worry you will get better and come out the light side of the tunnel. I’m willing to talk if I am ever needed. Thank you.