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bullet-clubs-bitch · 10 months

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If It's wrong I don't wanna be right

Cash Wheeler X Fem reader

Summary: What happens when the bucks younger sister finally caves and gets with one of her brothers biggest rivals.

Prompt 60 “Please? I’ll be good I promise!”

Warnings: SMUT, use of smoking, alcohol, swearing

Word count: 2218

Main Masterlist Cash Wheeler Masterlist

Cash’s POV

I knew this was wrong but I didn’t care. I had waited years for this moment, no way I was going to let it slip between my fingers. This little obsession started four years ago. I met Y/n at a wrestling event and instantly fell in love. She was the most gorgeous person I had ever seen. Dax and I were thinking of signing with AEW when I met Y/n. She introduced herself and told us all about what AEW had to offer us. I was instantly sold, I knew I needed to get to know her, spend all of my time with her. I would have asked her out right then and there but the ring on her finger told me otherwise.

Even though she was taken I figured a little crush wouldn't hurt anyone. As I got to know her I learnt that she was engaged and I was shocked to find out that she was the younger sister of Matt and Nick Jackson. Y/n was the polar opposite of her brothers, they were straight edge, she was a party girl. The bucks were good christian boys but Y/n haven't been to church in years. The more I learnt about her the deeper I fell in love. I picked up on her habits and the two of us would often share drinks after shows.

Then one day everything changed when the rivalry between FTR and The Young Bucks became real. I was quite angry when the bucks beat us for our tag titles but was even more angry when Y/n and I stopped hanging out. My anger continued to grow over the years. In a way I was praying for the downfall of her fiance. I wasn’t stupid I knew she was only with the older man for the money he had to offer. Y/n didn’t wrestle anymore and served as trainer backstage and writer for the show. I knew the job paid well but not good enough for a Birkin bag.

It made me sick everytime I saw them together. I could love her better than he could. Heck I knew she didn't really love him either. Dax informed me that this crush had turned into an obsession and he was right. Yet, I kept my feelings a secret for three years, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

*****

All Out London

I felt like I had been tossing and turning for hours. I couldn't seem to fall asleep. The nerves of the big show kept me awake. I looked at the clock and it read 4:23 AM, too early to start the day but I couldn't stare at the ceiling in my hotel room any longer. I threw on a sweater and headed down to the lobby, hoping the fresh air would help in any form. Just like I suspected the lobby was empty, the drunks had cleared and the morning birds were yet to arrive. I stepped outside to the large balcony on the main floor and was shocked to find Y/n.

“Can’t sleep?” I asked as I approached her.

“Nope, you?” She responded

“Nah. I didn’t know you smoked?” I asked Y/n as I watched her place the half gone cigarette between her lips, breathing out the smoke into the gloomy darkness.

“If my brothers ask, I stopped smoking 10 years ago. It helps me sleep” She said before bringing the cigarette back up to her lips.

“I think it’s so funny how different you are compared to your brothers” I told Y/n fascinated

“We are polar opposites. They haven’t had a drink in their lives while I have been drinking since I was 15. Not to mention you know about my little smoking secret.”

I said nothing, wanting her to continue. “I started smoking when I was 16, I was the trouble maker obviously. I got away with it too and actually technically did quit when I was 20. I only smoke sometimes now. Mostly when I am stressed or I can't sleep”

“Well, your secret is safe with me.” I told her honestly. In a weird twisted way I was more attracted to her now than before. She stood in front of me with baggy sweatpants and a hoodie that was two sizes too big. She wore no makeup, hair in a messy bun with glasses I have only seen her wear a few times before. She smelt like vanilla and tobacco, her green eyes stared back at me, a mix of exhaustion and desire.

“If you weren't a sworn enemy of my brothers I would probably have you in my hotel room right now” I choked at the words that left her lips. I could feel my cheeks heat up and get a bit hard with her words. I knew that Y/n was now single but as the time passed the FTR and Bucks rivalry became so intense that it would never work between us. It would be like getting with the enemy.

I didn’t even know what to say. Y/n left me speechless. I watched as she put out her cigarette and took a step towards me. We were chest to chest, I could smell the smoke on her breath. She didn’t even say anything, she just gave me a look that told me all I needed to know. She wanted me and I wanted her back, I had for years.

“We really shouldn't be doing this Y/n” The words fell out in a whisper. I was internally punching myself at my choice of words. I knew it was wrong but I needed this.

“I know baby” Y/n said as she cupped my face and whispered in my ear. “But as you can tell I don’t like following the rules. This is wrong but, don’t they say two wrongs make a right? Me and you can make that right.” I could feel myself getting harder as she continued to speak. “I know you want me, I’ve always known Cash. I’m not stupid. I can feel how bad you want me too” Y/n said in a seductive tone as she palmed my clothed erection.

I knew this was going to be the only chance I would get so I jumped on it and without hesitation accepted the invite to Y/n’s hotel room.

****

Everything happened so fast, one second we were in the elevator, the next we were ripping each other's clothes off. Y/n left a trail of kisses from my lips to my navel. Kneeling before me like she was about to say a prayer. I could have came right then and there, but I needed to be inside her. I watched as she placed delicate kisses from the tip of my dick all the way to the base before taking me whole in her mouth in one shot. I let out a loud moan at the feeling. After a moment she started to bob her head around my cock. I was lost in pleasure, I could feel precum starting to spill and my orgasm soon approaching.

It took all of my strength to get her to stop, she almost looked offended. But I knew I needed to cum inside her. I pushed Y/n on the bed and got on top of her. Spreading her legs ever so gently I pushed into her slowly, wanting to savor the moment. As soon as I was balls deep I took no time and started ramming into her as fast as I could. I took one of her breasts in my mouth, sucking the flesh before switching to the other.

Y/N’s POV

There was something about this that felt so surreal. Never in a million years would I have thought that I would have Cash Wheeler in my hotel room, not to mention the fact that in a few hours he would be going to war with my brothers. None of that mattered though, I was focused on chasing this high.

Cash was bigger than I expected, he fit me perfectly, stretching me out beautifully, making me feel things I haven’t felt in a long time. I could feel he was close, so close. It didn’t matter how hard he tried to hold it, I was determined to make him cum first. I managed to pull him off of me, saying nothing as I looked into his eyes and saw something I never thought I would see, fear.

Cash’s POV

When Y/n pulled me off of her that was when the reality set in. “Did I hurt you?” I asked, as my eyes scanned over her body, looking for non existent injuries. No response, “Did I do something wrong?” I asked again as I leaned down, placing a delicate kiss on her collarbone. Still nothing.

She then placed her hands on my chest, drawing shapes on my skin before she pushed me on the bed so she was on top of me. Just before as I was about to speak she cut me off “Shhhh, relax darling you didn’t do anything wrong. I was the one who invited you into my home so I’m in charge” she said as she placed her hands gently on my still hard cock, giving it a rather hard squeeze, before placing kisses once again on my shaft. She then sunk down on me, slowly, it was torturous. Once she bottomed out she stopped for a moment before she started to bounce slowly on my cock. My hands found her hips as I guided her down on me, it took me everything in me not to trust up into her, she must have read my mind as she said “Don’t even think about it”

She then began to pick up her pace, slamming down on me as hard as she could, our mixed moans sounded like music to my ears. “I can feel your close” Y/n said as she continued to fuck herself on me “Not yet” I told her, still wanting to make her cum first. Just then she stopped completely. “Fuck” I called out, “Please” I begged her. She just gave me a look “Please? I’ll be good I promise!” I cried out, not even recognizing my own voice, that was filled with desperation. “You know what on second thought maybe you’re right. I’m changing my mind, I can have some fun with this, you don’t cum until I say you can, do you understand?” “Yes ma'am” I replied

Y/n remained still, rubbing her clit as she began to chase her own orgasm, I could feel her squeezing me as she continued to rub violent circles on the swollen bud. Everything was getting too much, I felt like I would die if I didn’t cum right there in then. My hands gripped the sheets, head thrown back into the pillows as she began to slowly bounce on my cock once more. I could feel her get closer and closer as she increased her speed, her hands on my chest as she rode me beautifully. She grabbed one of my hands, placing it on her clit, indicating me to grant her that extra sensation needed for her release. “You’re doing so good baby, almost there”

She said praising me, I could feel her pussy start to spasm around my cock and I knew I couldn't hold off any longer. “Cum, inside me” that was all I needed to hear as I let go, my orgasm washing over me. Y/n came right after, fucking us both through our hard orgasms.

It didn’t take long before she collapsed on my chest, the two of us trying to catch our breath, coming down from our hard orgasms. I don’t ever think I had cum so hard in my life.

We stayed like that for a while, laying in a comfortable silence. I was first to break the silence “What the fuck was that” I said, laughing a bit. “I don’t fucking know” she responded slowley getting off of me, as I noticed the mess we made. “I don’t think you understand how much I needed that” Y/n said, burying her face into a pillow.

“Not as much as I did” I responded, before I got up to grab a towel to clean us both up.

I knelt carefully between her legs as I cleaned the mixture of our juices. “You know, If I wasn’t so sensitive and exhausted I would have asked you to eat me out right now” She said, looking at me between her thighs. I could feel myself blush at the comment.

I looked at the clock and it read 5:30 am. Without even thinking about it I went to grab my clothing that was thrown in different parts of the room. “Don’t tell me you're leaving already Cash” Y/n called out in a sad tone. “We don’t need to be at the arena until noon, stay, get some rest, you have a big match coming up and plus you look like shit” she said jokingly “Have you looked at yourself?” I looked like a hot mess.

I decided to join Y/n in bed, for the few hrs of sleep, that would end up being the best sleep of my life.

I didn't know what would happen after today but I knew something. No matter what would happen in a few hours I would fight. I would fight for us. Nothing would ever be the same after what happened, in good ways and bad but I knew this would be something worth fighting for.

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weaselbeaselpants · 2 months

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aaaaaaaaaaaand of course, of COURSE Lily's up and propping up the drama w ILoveKimPossibleALot and committing to KP being an outright zionist. Of course.

ftr - I don't know what to think of the sitch with KP as I'm very antizionist myself while also being a person who does kind of hit 'reblog' a lot without always looking at the blog posting. I'm hoping that's what happened, but I also don't think she handled this well.

Mostly it's rich (and by that I mean disgusting) that Lily's using Palestine to make herself look good, especially coming from the woman who said that all the issues in the middle east 'aren't our problem' and that we 'shouldn't pick a side' last September.

Whatever happens with KP, with ANY OF US, Lily you are scum.

#lily orchard #I'm not tagging this as antizionist or palestine rn simply because those tags are KIND OF busy atm #this is small potatoes to families in Gaza asking for help to not fucking die #I don't want to clog up the tag

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buffyfan145 · 5 months

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As much as I loved seeing Kenny Omega back last night on AEW I have to admit it was pretty upsetting to see him get "attacked" like that. I know it's all part of this storyline of the "evil" version of The Elite and now every wrestler having to choose which side they're on, and that Kenny likely got cleared to do it, but it still bothered me to see take those hits to his stomach knowing he's got those health issues. Two of my uncles also have diverticulitis but mild versions where they're just on meds and have checkups, however they're also both over 60 so I was surprised Kenny has it so young. Then also that this happened to him right after "The Iron Claw" came out last December and of course so many of us thought about what happened to David Von Erich, as Kenny's was so bad he actually could've died if he hadn't gone to the hospital when he did. I just kept thinking about David watching Kenny's segment (I loved Harris Dickinson's performance as David so much and went back and watched so many of David's promos and matches and realized he would've been one of my all-time favorites and that I loved him too). Normally I don't get that upset watching wrestling knowing it's mostly scripted (I used to way more when I was little and thought it was all real), but there are times I still do and this for sure was one of them. Did love seeing FTR come out to help, Swerve being angry too, and I do think this is leading to at least Hangman Adam Page coming back and maybe MJF too, but I was also missing seeing Will Ospreay though he deserved a week off.

#kenny omega #david von erich #the iron claw #ftr #cash wheeler #dax harwood #swerve strickland #hangman adam page #mjf #maxwell jacob friedman #will ospreay #aew #wrestling

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crimsonxe · 6 months

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FF7 Rebirth spoilers below the cut:

I don't have a clue wtf just went on with Cloud deflecting Masamune but also not leading to Aerith's death but not. Its a such a bullshit thing that tries to have its cake and eat it too; but at least the other Aerith is still technically alive waiting to be woken up in one of the multiple worlds. And I guess "ghost Aerith" is technically still around too. Regardless to the "Aerith has to die" crowd: FUCK YOU. The reality is that she didn't actually need to die, there's not a damn thing that required that outside of edgelord incel shitbags that have a death kink. Which ironically fucking enough the ending of Rebirth even backs up cause there's even fucking LESS shown as to why she died. She sure as hell isn't going to be stopping Meteor nor would that require her dying; instead she does so because incel shitbags wanted it & the OG game did it. Interesting originality be fucked, instead stick to the same goddamn bad end route bullshit as the OG game. I'll stick around to see the trilogy finished, but I'm openly stating now that I'm 1/3rd checked the fuck out. Also just going to put this out there: don't even mention Cloti anywhere near me cause that's been thoroughly ruined and I don't look forward to whatever happens in part 3. And just ftr no I'm not a Clerith and actually ship Cloti in OG, but not in the R-trilogy where Aerti has shined far more via their closeness.

Hope it was worth it writers, you had the chance to actually do an interesting alternate route that rewards people that have been hoping for a "good end route" and who liked/loved Remake for its unique interesting new storyline. But instead chose to throw it away in such a bullshit manner to appeal/line up with the same shitheads that bashed Remake for daring to do its own thing; or to repeat the same goddamn story as before rather than forge a new path. And I can't stress enough how the way it was done is such a shitty ass manner. Either Cloud deflects Sephiroth's sword and Aerith lives or he fucking doesn't and she dies; either fate is changeable or its not; either there's a multiverse of unlimited potentials including Aerith living or there isn't; etc. Fuck 5% of Rebirth, the other 95% is great. Such a goddamn waste. If Nomura is the one responsible for Remake's "fuck Fate, let's make our own path" aspect, then plz let him be the main one heading up Part 3 to try to course correct back from the betrayal of the concept that Rebirth's last 5% did. Show the timeline where Cloud did indeed save Aerith and have that Aerith join the team; have them break Fate instead of treating it as some immutable thing cause fuck that; and no more bullshit like having someone block a strike then having the story backhand via shitty ass reality rewrites (a la Masamune stuck in the ground to the side from an unharmed Aerith that suddenly is reality warped to have blood on it and Aerith being hit with a phantom stabbing cause "Fate"). I'll easily take Remake's vision over Rebirth's last 5% (I have to stress this cause 95% of Rebirth is fantastic, its only the last 5% that is incel edgelord nihilistic garbage to justify killing off a character cause "that's what happened in OG".

And let me be clear on this: my anger isn't where it should be which at Sephiroth as the one that did the deed as the villain aka proper narrative writing. My anger instead is aimed at the bullshit method of how it was done, which isn't how a narrative should come across. All I see if the very blatantly check off box that was bent to reach. Remake was 95% good, 5% mindblowing and getting me heavily invested; Rebirth 95% great, 5% bullshit and throwing away an entire section of investment. I really am having to work to give a shit about the remaining characters, cause the writing's failing caused that level of collapse.

Since this is the rant post: While I give credit for mostly shying away from sexist incel tropes in regards to the femme characters; don't even think for a second I didn't notice the little things that are there still. Shiva having jiggle physics; and even Tifa being hit with them during particular side quests. Edit: So from what I've gathered the main case of Tifa having them is a matter of you're expected to have her swimsuit on at that point, instead of her regular one; so while still annoying cause jiggle physic shouldn't be there at all its at least not in defiance of her sports bra that'd be more egregious.

I'm fucking done.

The really infuriating part is that I'd STILL give Rebirth like an 8/10 or even 9/10; cause as I've repeatedly mentioned 95% is just THAT damn good.

#final fantasy vii rebirth #final fantasy 7 rebirth #ff7 rebirth #ffvii rebirth #spoilers #rant

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akajustmerry · 7 months

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I'm new to the walking dead and was wondering if you would elaborate on the backlash to richonne you mentioned in the tags of your post?

hiiiiii sure! honestly, it was just racism. I wasn't so deep in the fandom, but I saw the "discourse" through callout posts from the general twd blogs I followed at the time. it's weird to explain, I feel like elrond in LOTR like, "I was there...."

okay so, the walking dead for a very long time was just a show about mostly white people surviving the apocalypse, and was very conservative in a lot of ways because of that. so the audience for the walking dead included a bunch of white people who were very racist and sexist because the show, especially in its early days did not encourage a vision of an inclusive apocalypse. that came a little later though, thankfully.

anyway, a lot of those people hated michonne from the JUMP. if memory serves she was basically the first woman of colour in the show and she was an intelligent, savvy, beautiful dark skinned Black woman. so racist fans hated her just for existing. Michonne was also kinda a mystery for a good long while, which racists also took as a cue to assume she was evil.

Michonne and rick first met a few episodes after rick's white and shitty wife lori (who nobody liked ftr) died. I mention this because about a season later when rick and michonne start getting along (not even romantically just like quite literally start being friends), racist misogynoir weirdos started claiming all kinds of horseshit like michonne was plotting against rick, or rick not liking Black people cos he used to be a cop, ppl even claimed that LORI fucking LORI was actually the love of rick's life lmao. this shit went on for YEARS before rick and michonne even got together.

When they finally did in SEASON 6, 3 whole seasons after they'd met and Lori dying, etc. there were people with saying unironically that their romance didn't make sense, came out of nowhere, wasn't "real" - you know, all the shit racists say when they don't wanna be direct. It wasn't backlash so much as just the usual low hum of racism that exists in any fandom for a thing that's about a white man.

I've always just followed very general blogs or my friends so I steered clear of it mostly. but as a fan of colour, racism in fandom is impossible to avoid and you're so used to it being in media too. I rmr being shocked when rick and michonne did get together not because I didn't want them to but because I was so used to racist TV shows where interracial love stories just didn't really happen and if they did they were so shit. I think that's why I love them so much because they're so lovely despite literally all the odds!!!

#the walking dead #tv #this blog was and is always a Lori grimes hate blog

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kenjiyabuki · 8 months

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DMD FTR: finale thoughts

i forgot to put this out because i've been in the process of being an employed adult human person these days, unfortunately (no one who saw my previous DMD FTR posts is surprised that i was unemployed). now i wont even get to have my weekly crisply shot and edited hang outs w Gen 3 besties while this new job is sucking my soul... but this was a pleasant finale to this sweet and chill and incredibly unsurprising show!

here's the thing: i dont even know who Domundi is trying to fool w this double win stuff cause they did literally announce the new gen would be acting in TWO (2) new series during their 2023 Line Up event???????

so the double win wasn't a surprise AT ALL but it's okay, it didnt really diminish my enjoyment out of the show at all. i wanted both couples to have series anyway!

as i've said in my first post about this show, it has been very obvious that this shows' intention isn't to be a competition, it's more of a new gen "inauguration". they could've just put the boys through bunch of workshops and let them choose partners off camera too but they chose to put money and time in to make it a whole show, so people could witness their journey and premature fan clubs would form and develop. i think its fun and clever marketing but did it work???

well, the boys def have more fans now BUT on the same day this episode was premiering, some ZNN fans were crying about their faves (who just had a movie come out, also filming a show rn AND scheduled to film another one after) being slighted by the company and they didn't need to "add more". like i said, i don't really follow Domundi closely, if the fans are right about artist management i might not know... but their Gen 2 was extremely successful after all and people are BEGGING for more series, so it's not a bad move for a company to want to grow. i wish fans would be more mature and learn more the industry the person they "stan" works in! why would a growing company would just make shows w 2 actors over and over man, cmon 😭

okay now that i got that out of me, back to the finale. some notes about the general:

the group performance of the theme song was a bit cringe to me bc i just hate that kind of music. but everyone's ending fairies were really cuteeeee so i forgive them

real winners of the episode is the background dancers because they literally did all the performances and acted too, very well!!

Domundi members and variety of industry people in the audience was sweet to see and added valuable comments/advice for the boys. i was especially happy to see Jimmy and Tommy, whom i ADORE!!!!

i was laughing at that LOUD ASS clapping and hollering track they kept playing to add some more noise to the audience's. like i know why they did it but how much that big sound didn't match w that small crowd just tickled me..

well, yeah, i cant get into idol-ing stuff personally so i was kind of bored during the solo performances. i dont really have comments that hasn't already been said by the judges. i thought all the boys did what they were supposed to do and showcased their talents, EXCEPT Latte........ my dude, what happened? i think he could've lip sync to the song, which IS a skill (Rupaul's Drag Race battles and just drag performances in general as evidence...) that would add a lot to his performance.

Firstone leaving the competition w Best Friendship & Best Performance Awards in his pocket and two guys wanting to be his partner. What a little star... Deserved and love his cocky attitude.

about couple jukebox musicals:

in my last episode commentary, i joked about Mandee getting inspired from my ideas but then they actually kinda happened lol🧐🧐🧐🧐 ThomasKong's performance was a coming of age, young love story while KengNamping's story was more complex romance w an angsty core, almost exactly like i wished for.

all in all, KengNamping's performance grabbed my attention the most. mostly because their acting & chemistry seemed improved to me (that kiss fake out at the end, what the hell??? you guys couldn't hold an eye contact couple eps ago...) AND their storyline just ATEEEE. i dont know who came up w the forbidden romance between kinda out of touch but well meaning rich boy & his "i suffer through love quietly" village boy bodyguard, w humour sprinkled in, but they need to get their ass eaten regularly...

ThomasKong don't even need to try that hard, they are just natural born charmers!!!! i liked their friends to lovers, nerdy guy cant believe popular one' love bc he doesnt see his value storyline (Thomas could've busted out One Direction's "What Makes You Beautiful"). With the romantic prom climax, it reminded me of American high school movies and fit their vibes perfectly. i wish it was more humorous, because i think comedy is one of their strong suits. like how did it ended up that shy kings KengNamping got more laughs than ThomasKong, the goofballs themselves??? whoever is writing their series, please take notes, now that i know you are reading these...

after the glorious double win and the cute four-way hug, Aof said that two shows would be announced this year which clearly meant that most we are getting this year are pilot trailers. which is fine. not easy to be patient but i get that they are a smaller company w lots on their plates already. i hope they will use that time to work and work and work on the shows!!!!

i honestly want Domundi to kind of change up things in their filmmaking/producing styles, maybe switch directors sometimes and try diffferent styles idk... this show and Gen 3 in general felt very refreshing and i hope they keep that vibe going! and maybe i will finally watch a Domundi show till the last episode.

P.S.: Extra clips were released this week and KengNamping's was sweet. i was kinda laughing at how much of a set up it was like, them conveniently sharing a blanket, all mic'd up, getting filmed w lights on etc. but their conversation and mood in the moment seemed sincere, which is enough. it was nice to see the context for ep 5, when they found each other at the other end of the red ribbon and said that so much happened on that bridge. what a perfect circle moment, from comforting each other about not winning a challenge to winning the show!

#dmd friendship the reality #domundi #what a ride this has been

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satanfemme · 10 hours

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Can you explain more about how you don't believe in free will? I guess I'm just curious what you mean. I've been thinking about free will recently, and while I do believe people are heavily shaped by factors out of their control (time period they're born into, class, social conditioning...), I don't believe in like. Predeterminism. Wbu?

so ftr I don't think this opinion is an objective fact or anything, and I want to be clear that this is a personal worldview that makes sense to me and which I personally find helpful and comforting, but I don't care if other people agree or not.

under the cut cause this is long and possibly incomprehensible.

the simplest way I can explain what I mean by that is I view people's actions in a very straightforward cause/effect way, with the primary causes being their material/social circumstances ("nurture"). I think that the human brain (and by extension the human body, since there's no binary division there) basically works like a chemical computer. if you input information, it's "programed" to react a certain way (whether that reaction is a thought, emotion, desire, whatever). it's more complicated than we can comprehend, because we're subconsciously processing an uncountable amount of information at any given moment (and therefor experiencing an uncountable number of reactions at any given moment), but that's the basic process.

I don't believe in souls (at least outside of my psychotic delusions, but that's not relevant here lol), and I think that the concept of the "self" as something separate from the brain/body is a myth. I think the self is the same thing as the brain/body, which functions via the pre-"programmed" (but too complex to comprehend) input/output process described above. following all that, I think for every moment there's only one possible combination of thoughts, emotions, actions, desires, etc that a person could be experiencing or enacting based on the sum total of everything they've experienced up to that point. like I don't think there's ever "two options" they could meaningfully choose between, even if they feel like they experience it that way internally. I also don't believe in multiple timelines. I think there's only one way things could ever happen, and that's what's happening.

although I guess this probably technically counts as "predeterminism" I don't think everything has been predetermined by a sentient entity or anything. I definitely don't believe in predestination or that anyone is destined to be bad or destined to suffer or anything like that. also when I use the word "programmed" here that's just for lack of a better word to describe what I'm trying to describe.

anyway at the end of the day I think this kind of philosophy mostly just impacts the way I feel about others emotionally. I still experience life as a series of choices like anyone else, and still strive to make the best choices. I also don't think the lack of free-will gives anyone a free pass to be cruel on purpose and/or succumb to doomerism. idk if anything this all ties into my beliefs that no one is fundamentally evil, and everyone needs to have love, community, etc.

#Anonymous

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lepertamar · 1 year

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Stars That Rise At Dawn 2023 Revised vs 2019 edition differences: Part 1

I'm going to go through this in mostly linear order because I'm not sure of what the best/most useful way of organizing it otherwise is.

This is ftr mostly for the benefit of people who have read the inferior 2018 edition but aren't convinced they want to/would catch everything if they re-read the whole thing again cover-to-cover. Or for people who read both versions and are interested in them. I don't hugely recommend it for people who read only the new edition, because as far as I can tell from chatting with some other people, the changes or deletions are not really for the purpose of pacing or anything like that, where the earlier version's information still stands or illuminates but was cut out solely for narrative purposes. Instead it seems that changes and especially deletions happened because the information in the earlier version was unwanted, incorrect, out of continuity, or flat-out wrong. Which I think is interesting to keep in mind.

So long sequence of passages with changes under the cut. I've put some commentary of my own opinion on a few of the changes, but the author mostly only explains her decisions with and enigmatic 'improving continuity with the rest of the series' so the effects are pretty subjective.

I tried to put small changes/additions of the 2023 revision in bold, and when I extensively quoted the 2018 edition, put it in strikethrough red. (edited to have strikethrough instead of just color for accessibility and clarity)

This part 1 covers the prologue through chapter 14

[eta: Part 2 is here, and Part 3 is here

Prologue: Part of Tamar's pov is changed. The previous version went:

every time she’s felt God near her, They are fire, They are a burning light, They are a thousand voices in unison. Tamar definitely gets along with Them.Probably because she sometimes feels a little like fire herself.

to the less awkwardly forcing of 'liking obviously = similar' to a more resonant:

“and every time she’s felt God’s mind, her want is sharp and harsh and burning. Like God, maybe.”

Later in the prologue, two things are significantly removed: the line "that's not exactly how it works" after Tamar says I want to see You; and when describing Safirah's price "and they even read Tamar's mind. So a price, but things gained as well." Instead it ends, as a completed thought, with “their entire left arm got completely scorched in still-swirling burn marks, was made entirely unusable; but, in that arm, they still, to this day, can feel God’s soul.”

Both of these deletions take out normalizing, qualifying, easily-understandable 'excuses' for Tamar's desire, and also enhance her agency in terms of emphasizing that it's truly, really her act of seeing that blinds her, and that G-d can Be Seen. And after "there's not much else to think except that she likes Them" there is the added line:

“It’s not an explanation, but she might lie to herself if she tried to explain.”

This mirrors Eliya's line several chapters later during her first theurgy lesson:

“I… can’t say. I might lie if I did. Because I don’t know for sure what the answer is, and if I do try to answer, I might say it wrong.”

Chapter 1:

The only change here is to the epigraph: originally "Once Heaven expected, all to come to Me in fire. Now understood desires many." the revision says "Once Heaven expected, all after death to wake to fire. Now understood desires many."

This is most likely to emphasize that this is specifically about the afterlife solely, and has no connection to Tamar's act in the prologue.

Chapter 2:

I also only noticed a change in the epigraph, the original one was completely deleted, and replaced with one that was originally later in the book in a less funny position. Given what we learn of Jibril in book 2, this is incredibly fitting:

“Okay, I admit, in the first few years of Šehhinah I did kind of try to interview the newly-alive humans about how they felt, being alive and human and stuff, and if they were excited or if I could help… apparently that was awkward for them or something. Oh well. —the angel Jibril, A Thousand Open Letters, Just Because”

The original, which was deleted, was:

Most philosophers, especially those who are also Holy, understand that as Heaven is an extension of God, its brightness would be like nothing on Šehhinah other than God's direct manifestations in the Holy themselves. This does much to disprove earliest recorded Stone Age conceptions of Heaven as merely a reward for a life welllived, considering that none would be denied Heaven save those who do not wish to be surrounded with near-painful flaming brilliance, which may indeed be a large number of people…—Remi Akkagal, Introductory Philosophy

I believe this deletion is largely to be a little less blatantly and early-on spelling-out what 'heaven' in this world is to ppl who have other stupid pop-cultural conceptions um the readers, instead allowing them to piece it together over the course of the book. I liked this change although the author is giving readers too much credit lol.

chapter 3: No changes I could find

chapter 4:

the only change I could find was this:

Previous version:

“it might be a bad idea to get you involved. You know, ethically. Especially given that you’re a demon, that might be really bad. Could reflect badly on your people.” “Then again, hampering me to make or not make decisions purely based on the way people might pity me and assume me to have mental problems when they see this”—Hannuša gestures at her yellow eyes, the small black horns on her head—“is itself, I would think, ethically questionable.”

Revised version:

“it might be a bad idea to get you involved. You know, ethically. Especially given that you’re a demon, that might be really bad. Could reflect badly on you.” “Then again, hampering me to make or not make decisions purely based on the way people might pity me and assume me to have childhood trauma when they see this”—Hannuša gestures at her yellow eyes, the small black horns on her head—“is itself, I would think, ethically questionable.”

specifying 'childhood trauma' and taking out 'reflect badly on your people' does more to convey the idea of sehhinah demons being nothing like irl assumptions of what demons are, or common genre conventions of demons.

chapter 5:

I elaborated on the major change in chapter 5 here, and in the interests of making this post shorter, I won't repeat the commentary. But the book Lucifer is reading, and their reaction to it, has been changed to:

“This girl in a coastal town—which I’m pretty sure is fabricated, unless there’s been a sudden increase of coastal towns in the last twenty years or something—is in with the wrong group of people, the ringleader of which basically forces her to be a Holy. It’s pretty contrived how that happens, but it’s believable enough, all things considered. So this girl, you see, she doesn’t actually want to be Holy, and she’s lost the use of both hands, that was her price. And she fucking hates it. So either she lets her awful friend, who’s just lost the use of most of one arm, do everything for her, basically being totally dependent on her, or worse, rely on other Holies, which just isolates her even more from the rest of the world.” Yenatru doesn’t know what to make of that. “I thought you said it was an adventure book.” “Well, I think it’s setting her up to join a crew of pirates.” Yenatru raises his eyebrows. “How does that connect?” “That’s what I was reading to find out,” Lucifer says with a grin. “Definitely my kind of book. I might actually want a copy, assuming this girl doesn’t end up discovering that, oh, no, she actually loves being a Holy, loves being all fucked up by,” Lucifer’s voice was already dripping with disdain, but now she gags almost theatrically, making her opinion even more clear.”

....

“I’ll be around. Seriously. There’s this book about an unwilling Holy possibly becoming a pirate. And the author has more books.”

(This also emphasizes that Lucifer intentionally seeks out content about Holies with relish instead of avoiding it, as long as it's negative and fearmongering)

Chapter 6:

The only change I noticed was the epigraph, again, where the original (an excerpt from a will of someone bequeathing their manifestations to their children) was entirely removed, and replaced with:

“All angel-made manifestations are contaminated. Therefore is the world contaminated, and it is the way of contaminated things to contaminate each other further, a cascade of reactions guaranteed to bring ruin. Instead of any possibility of cleansing, the Fiery One only reaches further, as the greedy among the humans sell themselves for a taste of that corruption. I for one hold out hope that soon the First to Fall will return from his wanderings and deem me worthy of receiving his guidance… —Asriel, Third to Fall, 1032 A.C.”

I absolutely have to comment on this because it is DELIGHTFUL and I laughed out loud. Coming after the previous chapter, which both has the aforementioned book change, and Lucifer bemoaning how much they dislike other Fallen, it both hints at what types of ppl Lucifer might be bitching about (epigraphs from other Fallen throughout the rest of the book and the series indicate that Lucifer is overgeneralizing however), and highlights their hypocrisy about judging them.

Secondly, this means The Stars That Rise At Dawn is the one and only -- the one, and only -- fictional book I've ever encountered that explicitly models an ancient, global, historical and cultural meme: that most christian concepts of the Devil, and of Hell, is explicitly based on Jewish G-d -- the explicit, overwhelming, ubiquitous association with fire, blood dashing and blood marking, and flesh sacrifice by burning of offerings throughout the jewish Tanakh, especially in Exodus, the frightening imagery of fire and brimstone, the conception of G-d as a challenging and frightening figure who makes deals and bargains (covenants, even) with humans. Most especially found in foundational Gnostic theology that explicitly (rather than the implicit and often unintentional coding above that mainstream christian imagery does) identifies Jewish G-d as a false god, the archon and demiurge, who is responsible for creating a fallen, sinful, material world as an intentional prison rather than an incomplete starting point a la grapes without wine, and whom Jews evilly follow and worship, trying to maintain the sinful world rather than escaping to neoplatonic purity of forms, where the True God, the New Testament god who includes Jesus Christ, rules instead. And Stars, instead of buying into it directly or eliding it by forcibly identifying g-d with the christian god, basically says 'yep! sehhinah g-d IS more like jewish g-d who IS more like the christian devil than christian god, and tamar IS more like someone who sold her soul greedily for this-worldly, this-life overreaching curiosity and lust to taste that hellfire! but it is still very very very much undeniably g-d, the creator of the world, the colloquial g-d, the god of the torah, not a reacting or opposing figure. AND IT SLAPS!'

Chapter 7-9: no changes I noticed

Chapter 10:

The previous epigraph is moved to chapter 2, and is replaced here with:

“There are surviving legends from pre-Askannite times of a block of ice, already clearly unique and therefore Theurgic given the tropical climate, in which one can see a girl, sleeping. The block itself has been lost since the volcanic eruption, making it difficult to ascertain whether the sleeping girl is, in fact, the Theurgist who made it, perhaps in her own coffin, or even as some once suggested, alive and waiting to wake… —Iśja the Seafarer, Qallit the Recordkeeper, et al, Surveys of Manifestations of the Western Coast”

Chapter 11: no changes I noticed

Chapter 12:

The epigraph about the first holy in history has been entirely deleted, and replaced with:

“Raziel is unique among angels in taking a form most similar to a serpent, although of course no natural serpent has wings let alone so many… —Eli Rashina, A Brief History of Angels”

THIS IS SO DELIGHTFUL. This is almost certainly a reference simultaneously to the serpent in eden, the concept of winged serpents as a likely possible form for seraphim in some jewish angelology, and the Sefer Raziel haMalakh

I can make a guess that for the most part, the original epigraph here was removed because it was a bit unpleasantly Set and Neat as a story of deliberate awareness where all the agency rested on g-d, and had a slightly irritating to me framework, rather than anything that matches either Tamar's experience or the ideas that come up in the next two books.

Later in the chapter, the very artificial line "it’s almost too bad that adults almost never become demons. If they could, that’d at least round out this circle of betrayal." is removed.

Chapter 13: no changes I remember

Chapter 14: The epigraph about the (rather prosaic overview of) angels' making of the world is taken out, replaced by the epigraph with sa-shira's poem greeting g-d, which was previously on chapter 15.

I elaborated on one of the major changes to the text of chapter 14 in the same post I linked regarding the change to chapter 5. The linked change to chapter 14 is that after asking about Tamar, Lucifer adds:

“No chance it was like that book I read? Kidnapped by a childhood friend, forced to do it?” Lucifer’s voice sounds disconcertingly hopeful. “I don’t think it was that,” Yenatru says.”

I also commented, and in a subsequent reblog chain got an absolute Eyeful of how hard and thickly people will project what they already think instead of being capable of absorbing new or unexpected information, on a minor change in the chapter:

Old version:

“Nope,” she says. “Well, except for my replacement, Metatron he’s the same way almost exactly except that he matches the gender of whoever he’s talking to in presentation”

New version:

“Nope,” she says. “Well, except for that guy who calls himself ‘The Adversary,’ a Fallen, he’s the same way almost exactly except that he matches the gender of whoever he’s talking to in presentation”

I thought that the reason for this change was because it's a lot funnier, or because replacements were no longer canon, but as you can see in this utterly fascinating reblog chain, clearly even my paranoia-addled rock-bottom expectations were too high. Despite the fact that this passage comes almost immediately after a discussion of the Covenant and resurrection:

“But… we don’t know what’s going to happen then.” “Don’t we?” Lucifer tilts her head a little. “Everyone’s life serves as an argument for what they want after the Resurrection. That’s what”—she looks like she has to force the next word out, closing her eyes and swallowing hard—“God decided on. And honestly, despite everything, I can respect that. Fuck, I do respect that.” “Then why do you act like you think you know?” “I’ve been alive for a while. Seen people live, known some closely. Our lives argue for us, and I’ve seen thousands of years of those arguments.” “But no one agrees.” Lucifer laughs. “Exactly. Or, almost exactly. Part of what I’m getting at is that there’ll be a lot. There’ll be—well, hey, my life gets to be an argument too, actually. I mean, especially given that I’m half the reason the Covenant was made at all.”

and despite how G-D IS THE ONE WHO DECIDED AND IS DOING THE COVENANT, based on THEIR OWN REALIZATIONS AND CHANGES IN IDEAS AND ACKNOWLEDGED MISTAKES, despite the fact this happened 6,000 years ago and is foundational boringly basic theology about the world and G-d, despite the fact that the very first epigraph in the book is the text of the covenant where g-d is saying your lives will argue for you, despite Eliya's statement of the very obvious in-universe "lucifer and lilith proved god’s expectations wrong", and that the whole point of the covenant was about how g-d changes Their mind/learns from Their mistakes, and hannusa's (eye-rollingly explicit, i thought!) "god supports lucifer plenty you know" comment, all of this new information about this new different fantasy world evaporated and made no dent even to a person who is genuinely demonstrably smart!!!!!!

this is just absolutely FASCINATING in terms of how massive an avalanche of entrenched projection this book is apparently laboring against, despite its casual, slice-of-life-manga-esque tone. I always knew this general ~subject was extremely loaded with preexisting connotations and expectations and therefore really really hard for people (even jews) to not project the american pop-christian pickle juice they've been swimming in since birth on, but I did underestimate regardless. So if I'm being a little pendantic in this meta, please forgive me lol, I have to adjust my expectations for anyone and everyone else, even if I know and respect you, much MUCH lower than I thought I did.

I'll get to part 2 and hopefully all the rest of the chapters tomorrow.

#the stars that rise at dawn #sehhinah #sehhinah revisions tag #coal sings

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invisiblegarters · 11 months

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Only Friends Character & Relationship Ramblings - Ep 11

Last week on Everyone (put a pin in that everyone, because I think we're having trouble with it) Here is Messy, Boeing was doing his best to mess with the reconciliation of Top and Mew. Top shut him down pretty fast because my man is smart and he doesn't want anything getting in the way of Mew forgiving him, but Mew entertained the idea a little too much for most of fandom to handle. I, however, thought it was very understandable if not entirely the best choice. Atom accused Boston of raping him and no one stopped to think that maybe that was a tiny exaggeration on the little weasel's part because apparently being a slut means one is capable of anything (okay yes also because of what he did with Top, but let's not pretend that's the only reason here) and I nearly blew a fuse. And Ray found out that his dad had hired Sand to get him off the sauce and in predictable Ray fashion flew off the handle about it, leaving Sand devastated. He later learned what we all should have guessed (although lbr some people really want to think that Sand is awful in any way they can, lol): Sand had the money practically forced on him and still returned it, because he cares more about Ray than he does about his bank account (this is wild to me as I care way more about my bag, but I repeat, that is not Sand at all. I repeat this because people seem to be having a problem getting that). Ray then actually decided to give his rehab thing a real chance and had a breakdown in front of an imaginary Sand that actually made me cry a little. I'm not made entirely of stone, people. Just mostly.

So full disclosure, the real reason this is coming so late is that I've been hoping that the longer I wait the less irritated I'll be, but unfortunately the reverse seems to be happening. So I guess we're doing this full steam ahead (ftr, the steam is coming out of my ears).

Also once again I'm not ranking because only two characters really pissed me off this week, so we'll just ramble and then I'll put the Sand part behind a cut because he's the one I have the most feelings about this ep (and also that is where you should stop reading to avoid my apparently unpopular opinions).

Character Rambles

Atom & Cheum. I'm just gonna get these two out of the way because they are the ones that irritated me and since I've been banging this fucking drum for so many weeks that we're probably all very tired of it now. I do not know what the hell is up with this show when it comes to this stupid "Boston SAd me" plot, but I don't think I like it. Actually, I know I don't like it. I did say that I understood where Cheum was coming from in part last week and I stand by that, but the least Boston deserves from her is an apology for the way she came at him now that she knows it isn't true. But I doubt he'll get it. Or if he does it'll be the same bullshit he got from Nick - well what can you expect when you're like you are? The poor lad was just dickmatized, give him a break. NO. The idea that Boston needs to give someone e break for accusing him of rape boggles my mind, as does the constant implication that he's somehow earned all of this because he sleeps around. And no, I will never shut up about this.

I suppose at least Atom seems to realize that what he did was supremely fucked up, but I'm not sure it really matters when everyone is rushing to act like it's just one of those things that happens, and at least he learned something new about himself (looking at you, Cheum, because don't think I've forgotten you literally accused Boston of turning him gay last episode)!

I have said it before and I'm sure there will be a whole rant about it next ep, but the entire attitude towards Boston's promiscuity really puts me off. It's not the characters, either - a lot of people have some really fucked up ideas about sex and purity and morality - it's the show itself. There are ways to have the characters doing or believing things that the narrative explicitly disagrees with - hell, Jojo has done it before - so the fact that they really don't seem to be doing that here makes me feel like whoever wrote this agrees that Boston kind of deserves what he gets. And I am not a fan of that line of thinking. Even if Boston were truly as reprehensible as everyone thinks he is, it still doesn't make it right to do the things people keep doing to him. That line of thinking is insane to me. And honestly a lot of the problem I have here is that the show keeps explicitly conflating his promiscuity with being a bad person. Over and over again. It's never about the other shitty things he's done, it's always about him sleeping around. I hate it.

Boston. Since we're here, lol. I still love him. His journey has been the most fascinating one for me as we've gone on, mostly because it's been in increments. I said this last week, but Boston has been taking slow, steady steps to growth this entire time - and IMO it has very little to do with sex (but more on that later). This entire show has been a journey of Boston coming to terms with some of his less savory habits - breaking things because he can, not respecting or maybe not understanding that his way of doing things is not the only or best way, etc - and deciding how he wants to handle them.

This isn't me saying Boston is utterly wrong or whatever - you'll never hear that from me. He's an asshole in many ways though, and there is a part of him that has come to question why, and to maybe think that there is a better way of handling himself than he has been. He's also slowly gone from being very "I'm going to care about me and get mine" to thinking more about others - not saying he'll ever be the type of person that cares overmuch beyond a few set people and I don't think he'll ever stop putting himself first, nor do I necessarily think that's a bad thing, but he's definitely started to factor other people's feelings into his actions more. Maybe understanding more now that even if he's not necessarily wrong, he doesn't need to be quite so blunt force about everything. I think it's gone mostly unnoticed because there are others who are making changes with big displays, while Boston's have been almost entirely internal and only reflected on occasion through is discussions with Nick. It really struck me last episode and it continues to strike me as we go on, and I'm into it. Also Neo has just been killing this role. I can't get over how good he is.

Nick. Speaking of growing, this is the first ep where I really realized just how much Nick has done. I really hope that growth includes never bugging his fuck buddy's anything again, but I'm not entirely hopeful about that since his go to to catch Atom out in his lie was to entrap him via video recording. Sigh.

He was enjoyable for the most part this ep. I don't like him telling Boston not to be mad at Atom but I do completely understand Nick feeling some sort of kinship with him. Both of them fell for Boston after just one time, lol. That said, there was this look on his face when it was mentioned that Atom only fell for Boston because he was his first, and it makes me wonder if he was coming to a few realizations himself.

Top. TOP! I just loved him this episode. I have said before that he would be perfectly within his rights to tell Mew that enough was enough, and I was happy he did this episode. I thought he was very mature about it, actually - he knows he fucked up, he's known it pretty much since it happened and he owns that, but he's not wrong in saying that if Mew can't stop punishing him they will never work. It's very clear to me that he desperately wants it to - he is all in on Mew - but I liked that he said he'd walk away if Mew couldn't find it in him to forgive him.

Mew. I said that I understood his pettiness and I meant it, but I'm also glad it ended this episode. Look, I get the need to hurt someone who hurt you, and I very much get the petty urge to keep doing it until you're satisfied. The problem is that sometimes you just keep doing it, you push and hurt and hurt and push even past the point where it even feels good anymore because ultimately, you can't get over it, and it just breaks everything. Love and hurt and maybe a little bit of hate are warring inside Mew, and yeah, it feels good at first to hurt back.

But I think he came to the realization in this episode that his need to strike back at Top really wasn't worth losing him, because for better or for worse Mew loves him. He had to make a conscious choice this ep to actually forgive Top for what he did, and I think he rose well to the occasion. I really liked that he made sure to warn Top that he might bring it up again when they fight to hurt him - it's not pretty, but it's very self-aware, which I have come to expect from Mew. He might get hot headed sometimes but when he decides to reflect he doesn't fuck around. See too his acknowledgment that he probably won't be Top's last boyfriend, but that he wants to try with him anyway.

I also enjoyed how easily he dismissed Boeing and how little he let him get in his head, but to be fair Mew had Boeing sussed very quickly and was only ever going to entertain him right up until the point when he was no longer useful. Mew had less than zero emotional investment in that dude or his opinions once he stopped trying to flirt with Top, lol.

Boeing. Here is my conundrum with Boeing: I both love and loathe him. Honestly, he amuses the hell out of me. It should be impossible for one person to be so slimy and yet here he is doing the most constantly and it is very, very funny. The way he is merrily bouncing from couple to couple like some kind of video game boss (or the final endurance test in a stress challenge) amuses me so much and I desperately need someone more talented than I am to find a way to make it a meme. But I'm conflicted, because right now he's messing with Sand (yes SAND, that's his primary target and frankly I don't really care about Ray being collateral damage because one, he's actively making it worse and two, it feels like the rest of this fandom is doing that for me) and I have feelings about the way my favorite dude looks so miserable every time Boeing shows his smirky face (even if it is a pretty one).

Also he's basically got Ray doing the job of driving Sand away from him and he really didn't have to do much to get there. All the man had to do is make a few pointed comments and smirk and now he's got Ray doing the dirty work for him. It's amazing. I genuinely can't wait to see what he has in store for Boston and Nick (and I have my suspicions. More on that later).

Ray. He was absolutely adorable for like 95% of this episode. I really like him in boyfriend mode, lol. I also feel like he was mostly sober through the ep, too. I think that's great, and while I wish there were a little more about what he's doing to wean himself off of the alcohol, I have also come to the understanding that the show is not choosing to focus on it too much. I will just be glad they focused on it at all and move along. Honestly I should have expected it - if they were planning on dealing with Ray's alcohol problems in depth they would have started it earlier, lol.

The one quibble I have with him is at the end of the ep. While I can understand him being upset, it's pretty clear to me that so is Sand, and Ray is too focused on his own pissiness about Boeing to either see that or care if he does see it. Sorry guys I know everyone is saying it's insecurity and worry that he'll lose Sand but that just isn't what I'm getting from him at all. I don't think he thinks that Boeing is anywhere near his level or a real threat to him for Sand's affection, I think he's just pissed because Sand's not handling it the way he wants him to - which is by shutting Boeing down hard. And while I can understand and appreciate his ire, the way he's going about trying to force it is completely disrespectful to Sand. If Sand misstepped by sending Ray away to deal with Boeing on his own (which I don't really think was the horrible misstep people are making it out to be, but more on that later), then Ray is misstepping by ignoring Sand's clear wish for him not to insert himself by deliberately inserting himself and trying to provoke Sand into action.

If he's lucky it won't backfire right in his face (Ray has no fucking clue who he's playing with here, Boeing flat out does not respect Sand or his relationship and all Ray's doing here is showing his own damn belly and exposing the both of them to more mind games), but I don't think he will be.

Which brings me to the thing that has had my blood boiling since Saturday.

This is a good point to stop if you're not in the mood for half-essay, very probably half-rant.

Sand. Before I start, let me disclaim a little: I freely admit my biases here - for a ton of other people in this fandom Only Friends is The Ray Show, but for me it is and has always been All About Sand - and my own hypocrisies. I will defend Sand for things that I will not defend other characters for (although I do try hard to be as objective as possible with varied success, lol), and Ray has gotten it in the teeth from me more than once simply because he's often the character hurting my baby, possibly (probably) unfairly at times. Ray's done a lot of shit, but I admit that I see that heartbroken look on Sand's face and my objectivity tends to go out the window. It's why I understand all the posts about how much Sand sucks for the supreme crime of making Ray unhappy, but it's also why they make me furious.

I am going to pose a question here, for people that have been brave enough to read this far and who are genuinely worried that Sand and Boeing are gonna fuck: what in all the world has made you think that Sand would cheat on Ray? Is it just general fear combined with blorbo love?

Because okay I can get behind that, if so - I was utterly convinced last week that Ray and Boeing were gonna sleep together myself, and if I'm entirely honest I still expect some supreme stupidity of the Ray/Boeing kind simply because Boeing's MO seems to be going after the new boyfriend (estranged or not) after rejection - and I do NOT want to hear it about Sand not rejecting him, almost every scene that man was rolling his eyes so hard at Boeing it's a surprise that he didn't give himself a headache. He might not have been forceful enough for Ray or the fandom, but he is definitely not giving me the impression he's interested (to be fair I don't think Ray is interested either - I do, however, think he's infinitely more reactive than Sand in a lot of ways and far more likely to do some dumb, impulsive shit).

But if not that, what is it? Because there has been nothing in canon to suggest that Sand would ever, so apparently I do need it explained to me like I am five.

Maybe I'm just a little too much like Sand myself, because what I mostly saw was a guy who still has a lot of issues stemming from his previous relationship being confronted with the source of most of those emotions and doing his best to eject himself from the situation with as little conflict as possible.

And I've seen a lot of posts really taking after him for it. For being so passive, for not telling Boeing Ray's his boyfriend, for telling Ray to leave him and Boeing to talk. Hell, I've even seen people blaming him for the bullshit that is the last part of the episode, and I'm sure if Ray and Boeing do make out or (heaven forbid but I honestly won't rule it out yet) fuck, they'll find a way to make it Sand's fault, too.

And the more I read, the more annoyed I get. Not surprised, mind - I've seen too much of fandom blaming everyone else for every shitty thing Ray does (again, not saying he has no right to be upset here. I am saying, however, his way of dealing with it is likely to cause more problems) for this to be a surprise - but definitely annoyed. Because this isn't OOC for Sand, this isn't incomprehensible. This isn't some foreign, new thing that he's doing that we simply can't understand because we don't have context. This is all stuff that Sand has been doing since as early as episode two. The only difference is that this time, he's doing it for and with someone Not Ray.

Facts about Sand.

He is way way way too patient and has a tendency to bend far too often. We see this over and over and over again with Ray, well before Sand even really starts liking him much. I do think that he saw a bit of a wounded bird in Ray and wanted to help, because Sand at heart is a caretaker, a fixer, someone who needs to be needed. I'm not saying any of these are good traits - they can be, but as with anything they can be taken too far. And Sand unfortunately has a tendency to let himself be pushed well past his own limits so long as he feels like the other person needs him. I know. It sucks to realize that all that boundary pushing he let Ray do wasn't just because Ray's special. Not so cute when he's doing it with someone else, huh?

When Sand cares about someone, he does it wholly. I know a lot of people don't like to acknowledge this, but all signs point to him caring about Boeing at one point. Hell, in my opinion all signs point to him being deeply in love with him, and even though I don't believe that Sand still harbors those feelings for him, nostalgia is a hell of a drug and Boeing keeps doing his level best to bring that out in Sand. And just because he might not be in love with him anymore doesn't mean Sand can shut off his instinct to defer, to put himself aside, because that's what he does when he cares about someone. I hate to bring this up but look how much he's put up with from Ray. And while I can understand the temptation to think that Ray is the only person he'd be like that with, it was also spelled out to us in the very beginning of the episode that that's not how it is. I would wager that that's why they took the time to spell it out - so we'd understand when Boeing came along that Sand can't shut that off just because Boeing sucks.

Sand likes to operate alone, especially when it comes to his feelings. How many times has he said outright he'd handle how he feels himself? How many times have we seen him withdraw to deal with his own feelings and lick his wounds in private? Whether or not Ray wants to be there for him - and frankly I think that might be reaching, because that last scene didn't feel like it was about Sand at all to me, it was about Ray and Boeing's pissing contest - Sand has never learned to accept that kind of help. Of course he'd send Ray away to deal with Boeing's bullshit on his own. It's his mess. And to be honest, if I were Sand I'd do it too, because the last thing he needs is his sleazy ass ex on one side and Ray - who he knows can be volatile when riled up, mind, having been on the receiving end of it more than once - on the other.

And here's a fact about what went down with Boeing that everyone is choosing to ignore: he did lay down boundaries. He made zero effort to pretend to be into whatever Boeing was saying, he told him he didn't want to go to the Arctic Monkeys concert, he told him he couldn't come over and that all he could give him was friendship. He also tried to limit Boeing's access to him to YOLO only...and then Ray came in and trampled all over it. And Boeing watched him do it with a smirk, because now Ray is doing his work for him. And it looks like he'll continue doing it next episode.

I have to confess that the amount of vitriol I've seen directed at Sand for being a tiny bit messy flabbergasts me. Be honest, guys: is it because Sand is just the designated love interest to you? Because that's what it is starting to feel like. There's nothing wrong with that but knowing for sure would help my blood pressure.

Relationship Rambles

SandBoeing. I know we probably don't have time for this, but I would pay money to see a flashback of what they were like together. I already know that their relationship was very serious, at least on Sand's end and possibly on Boeing's (although I've seen enough of this man sliming around to not really buy it even if he says it, haha), but I am so so curious what their dynamic was like. Boeing's "you never yell at me" was telling, I think. But again, that's Sand all over, sigh. He'll just bottle it all up until he can't, then woe betide the person he sets his sights on.

Next ep may make me eat my words, but I say again that do not think that Sand has any lingering feelings for Boeing that would actually be a threat to his current relationship - but I do think that he has lingering feelings about what happened with Boeing that could very well threaten it. I think Boeing is mainly here to test the foundations of these couple's relationships and see how well they stand up to some huffing and puffing, but I also think (hope) that because he's so intimately tied to Sand due to their past that he will serve the same purpose as Ray and Mew's adventures in not really dating did for Ray: a way for him to get past the things keeping him from moving on with the person he wants to move on with.

I probably won't get much of this, haha. But it's a dream.

SandRay. I think I've gotten most of what I wanted to get out about these two out already. I can see this breaking really really badly. I will be disappointed if it does, but not surprised. I'm getting strong implosion vibes.

TopMew. Endgame vibes. And I am great with that because I adore them. Although them moving in together right after getting back together is a bit nuts. Slow your roll there, Topper.

BostonNIck. Saved for last because I have the most to say about them. I have to admit that they haven't been working for me as well in the past couple of episodes, and this one I was honestly really annoyed because - no points for guessing - of the monogamy stuff. One of my biggest worries as we've gone on is that the show will have Boston "redeem" himself by winding up in a monogamous relationship with Nick, and while I wasn't necessarily opposed to that if it could be done in a way that felt right for the character, I was super unsatisfied with the offer this episode.

But then I watched it again, and it hit me that Boston isn't saying forever, he's saying for now. And I can get behind that.

And then I watched it a third time because anything worth doing once is worth doing thrice. And now I've come to believe that he is mostly doing this for Nick. Because he does care for Nick a lot, but also because he's realized just how much Nick cares for him, and he's thinking to himself, "I can do this for him. I can give him this much, for now." It comes back to that whole wanting to put someone else first thing that I was talking about - it's not to pacify Nick or to make him stick around, it's genuinely (I think) because Boston cares about him and he wants to give him something he wants, something that - because it has a time limit - he thinks that he can give.

Enter Boeing.

I'm not saying that Boeing is gonna succeed in bedding Boston. I'm just saying that - fresh off of whatever happens with Sand and Ray (and regardless of what happens with the two of them as a pair, I have no doubt that it will end in Sand firmly rejecting Boeing once and for all. And unless I'm very mistaken the only interest Boeing has in Ray is to peck at Sand, so Ray will become useless to Boeing once that happens) - he's going to try it on with Boston next, and that it might make Boston and/or Nick realize a few things.

Why Nick? Because although Nick was flattered when Boston offered him the boyfriend title - flattered and pleased - he didn't accept it. I think he might, but I also can't help but wonder if they won't even get that far. Because as Nick says, he knows Boston, and maybe he knows that what Boston's offering isn't necessarily something he wants.

This is all spitballing, of course, and maybe a little bit of projection. I still think they deserve each other but I also still think Boston would do best in an open relationship and Nick...would not. One or the other of them might be able to do what the other one wants for a time, but eventually they will find themselves unable or unwilling to do it. And that would be the end.

I wouldn't mind being wrong here; this is mostly my gut speaking based on my interpretations of the characters. But if the show can convince me otherwise I'd be happy for it.

In Conclusion

My goodness, next week is the last episode. I have a nasty feeling that there will be a second season and I do not want it, nor will I be watching if it is so, so whatever happens Saturday will be how Only Friends ends for me. I'm excited and a little anxious, which is about how I've spent the majority of this show, so it's very fitting.

It feels like there's absolutely no way they have the runtime to make this work if there's no second season.

I hate it here.

#only friends #only friends the series #rankings

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insecateur · 1 year

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but anyway my actual hot take about t/b discourse is that imo a lot of people use it as a shorthand for different stuff.

there are people who REALLY strictly mean who puts the dick in and won't bat an eye at like. say they ship top A/bottom B, they won't care if B is calling the shots/Domming so long as his hole is getting filled. but meanwhile there are people who do use it to also refer to power dynamics, so if B is riding A's dick and being in charge of the fucking then it's not really bottom B. BUT THEN there are also ALSO people who see the dynamic as extending outside the bedroom so then not only does A put the dick in but he also needs to be the Pursuer. he also needs to be In Charge of the relationship. and ftr even if it's not my thing i don't have any issue with any of that, whatever floats your boat, if you think that A needs to be the one in charge of filling the taxes to be a true top then honestly genuinely good for you. live your best life.

BUT that means that whenever those conversations happen everyone is having a different conversation. and that's not even getting into the switch shippers for whom the topping and bottoming must be equally divided or else the shipping economy will collapse <- i am mostly a switch guy so i am allowed to make jokes and japes

this is true of many things in life especially online but ftr this one just drives me up the wall every time. please just have your little fun with your little guys and close your eyes when the wrong character is sucking dick idk. if i can do it so can you

#samtxt #i am soooo good at closing my eyes truly

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outrunningthedark · 2 years

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I want chimney to confront the Buckley's RE buck and I assume however they act whilst he's in hospital. I think he'll flatline again and they decide they truly can't handle it. I want him to be the one to defend his brother. I want chimney to snap. I can't see why else they made a point to establish the 'Buckley's were on their best behaviour but it's sus to buck maddie and chim' and the running theme of bobby being the father figure. Also bobby eddie and buck's convo before the call - not taking things for granted, they are a real family (except, maybe they aren't, because bucks real family is and always will be the 118). I feel like buck is caught up in the fantasy of his parents him and maddie finally being a family and the point of setting that up was the break it. Thoughts?

I get it, I still would've liked to see hesitation on the parents' part so Maddie or Bobby (or Chim, even) could get them to make their son a priority (and originally, I thought that's what was gonna happen), but right now...I think the Buckleys were a distraction tactic. People expected/wanted conflict. Maddie and Chim expected conflict. Remember when Chim said "explosion averted" to Maddie before answering the door (because Margaret complimented the backsplash)? They thought they were in the clear. The conflict is actually coming from Chim's father, who he didn't expect to see again. And what happens at the end of the episode? That explosion hits when and where Chim wasn't ready for it. Ftr, I don't think a "redemption arc" means anything in the grand scheme, mostly because Margaret and Phillip, like all the other parents, are only recurring. Bobby is still Buck's main father figure. The firefam is still a constant presence in Buck's life (and Maddie's, in our heads, smh). It's just that now we know if they come back it's not going to be childhood trauma on repeat every single time. [There will be other things to discuss, sure, but not Daniel or "defective parts".]

#anonymous #tina speaks #tv: 911 #tv: 9-1-1 #evan buckley #maddie buckley #howie ‘chimney’ han

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sometimesdesperate · 2 years

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One Year of Denial

Ftr, this is written mostly in past tense and it makes it sound like my denial period is over. It's not. I still haven't gotten an orgasm.

I've been putting off writing a reflection on this partially because of executive dysfunction and work using up all my mental energy, but also because I want this to have been a raging success, most fun I've ever had, big hoorays all around, nothing but good to say. And that's not the reality.

Don't get me wrong, it has been a success, and it's been fun, and I'm glad I did it, and that I did so for someone who I appreciate so much, and I did learn things about myself and my relationship with kink and how it fits into my life, all of that. But would I do it again? No, I don't think so. I think, ultimately, that the things I like about denial just aren't significantly improved or increased by such a long period.

I like denial because it keeps my normally inconsistent libido steadier, it keeps me in a subby headspace, it keeps me focused on kink in a fun way, and the drawn out nature of the physical arousal is fun and exciting and keeps building. I even like that it makes me feel a little embarassed, giving up control of something so intimate, and that feeling of desperation. But all of these things are accomplished by much shorter denial periods, and didn't really get any more true or intense after a certain point.

My libido eventually still settled out, returned to its normal temperamental nature once my body adjusted to denial. And my body did adjust. Eventually it became ignorable. I don't feel much different now than I think I would if I had had an orgasm last week. The subby headspace was very present, but that was because B and I were putting in the work. Not just when it came to denial. I had other rules, we had playtime, we talked about kink often. When our energy and time to do so became rare, so did the subby headspace, even though the denial continued. My arousal came and went, but it never climbed higher than it was in the first couple of months. And denial has become such a new normal for me that I don't even get that little thrill of embarrassment anymore. I'm not desperate for an orgasm.

(The bit about the subby headspace being present because we were putting in the work, that's been an important lesson in this. I used to have this sort of vague belief that a subby headspace should be easy to maintain, even when submission was hard. This denial period has taught me that feeling submissive is something you practice at, just as much as submitting is something you practice at. That has been very eye opening and, along with other bits of the past year, has made me do a lot of reflecting on how kink fits into my life. But more on that in a different post sometime.)

Dragging this out for such a long period of time also meant there were a lot more chances for life to get in the way, and for the excitement to wear off. The last four months haven't really been super fun when it comes to the denial. I havent had the time or energy, and neither has B. On the one hand I'm tempted to say this means I should be willing to try for a year again, that I'm only disillusioned with the denial because the last few months have been bad, but there's always gonna be bad days, weeks, and months. The benefits from going so long don't outweigh the risk of going so long.

I'm definitely still glad it happened. A year without orgasm is an accomplishment and I'm proud of myself. I'm grateful for B's role in it. I'm grateful for what the experience taught me. I have had a lot of fun, and regret nothing.

#i should probably wait to post this and edit it and all that #but im sleepy so i cant edit it right this second and if i dont post this tonigjt i might never #sd original content

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transformsx · 2 years

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ftr i am not someone who thinks about concepts like 'endgame' (or even 'canon') much at all re: ships. it is just not the way i am wired. i don't care about shit like that. what i do care about is the way dynamics are handled & how in character they are. and that is why i hate pretty much everything done with frank and bonnie in s6 (well, i don't, but i DO have to take the parts i like out of context, mostly). to get the Most Obvious Thing out of the way: the writers wouldn't have gone there if they could have gotten karla back. which in and of itself is like, fine --- doesn't automatically make it bad. except it's... also written that way. things that are true:

bonnie has always struggled to see her own value outside of what she Gives To People

she has canonically always been treated as second best [by the narrative] and felt that way and most of her arc is about like... understanding that she deserves better

frank has canonically always been borderline obsessed with not hurting her feelings in any way, shape, or form. they are [also canonically] so close emotionally that they have their own nonverbal language

it is very probable that they intended her to have been pining for him for like ten years since their initial breakup which. i wish i disagreed with more than i do. strictly speaking. and i'm pretty sure he is aware of that

POINTS BEING.

frank would not pursue bonnie again if he had feelings for someone else at all. ever. even a little bit. like yes! he has impulse control issues! but i also cannot overstate how over the top considerate he has always been of her. it's like one of the only things that was ever consistent about his character. he LOVES her. in the kind of way that is very much like "i don't care what we are to each other as long as we stick together"

the fact that the Finale Drama actually hinged on frank freaking out and TELLING BONNIE SHE SHOULD HAVE JUST KILLED HIM INSTEAD OF TELLING HIM HE WAS A PRODUCT OF INCEST LIKE 1) that whole debacle was ridiculous and we don't acknowledge it but 2) YOU ARE TELLING ME THIS MAN? WOULD SAY THAT? TO HER??????

genuinely like the entire thing is bonkers bananas i do NOT know what happened in that writers room that made them lose all sense of continuity circa 6b. this keeps me up at night. you didn't ask

#incest m //#frank.

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girlhorse · 1 year

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Yknow, I think I'm starting to unlearn the whole "breed doesn't matter!! Stop pit bull hate!!!" mentality, but I'm still stuck in some kind of cognitive dissonance. Could you explain more about the situation? I guess I'm afraid to learn about the truth of the matter from non-biased sources, mostly bc of a family situation.

Anecdote time: I know my brother has his heart in the right place but he keeps adopting random strays without knowing how to manage/train them properly-- I love those 3 girls to death but two, the big pit mix (sweetheart with humans, domineering at dog parks, built like a tank) and German shep (also sweetheart, *very* energetic, not walked enough) have recently been ganging up on the newer one (husky mix, somewhat skittish and prim, a diva who loves very selectively) to the point that we volunteered to take care of the pit so the husky girl can catch a break from their pack mentality.

My bro is very torn up about this but honestly it's a long time coming, he's a workaholic who never took our advice seriously (we have trained/raised two large working breeds and have given *HIS* dogs basic training on normal family visits just bc they really needed it) and his dogs get left alone in his yard during the day-- the breaking point is when the husky girl got minor but still skin breaking injuries from one of the dogs. Pit is staying with us and our Belgian sheepdog mix who is quite good with her, they've had no issues since this started, and the other two are now getting along better. I feel for him but I'm out of pity at this point and honestly patience. His girls don't deserve this, especially not the husky :(

This is definitely a hard situation to be in, so i feel for you.

I would absolutely encourage him to rehome the husky. TBH he doesn't sound like he's providing enough enrichment or exercise to his pitty or GSD, either - two breeds that can be VERY driven and will start exhibiting "problematic" behaviors such as destructiveness when they are under exercised. So adding a third, highly energetic breed to the mix just isn't going to work for him. I think if he does not intervene the husky will just get hurt again; and the only way i can think of that would make his "pack" work would be to completely reintroduce the husky by following a highly structured routine (ie letting them walk together and meet in a neutral area outside of the home/yard, separating them in the home and feeding them nearby each other with a barrier between them, etc. before letting them loose together in the house) or to implement a strict crate and rotate schedule. I don't really see that happening with your brother being so busy with work that he can't even spend much time with his current dogs.

(FTR i am only mentioning this because it is relevant - want to stress i am not moralizing aggression at all, just want to make a point. While many pitties don't exhibit dog aggression, the fact of the matter is, not too long ago, they were used in bloodsports - namely dog fighting - and were often meant to kill other dogs in the ring. While dogfighting was banned a few decades ago, many pit bulls STILL have dog aggression, because that was so thoroughly bred into them, and newbie owners either don't *want* to recognize this or don't know the history because of pitbull PR (ie the nanny dog myth). Sooo sometimes people try to have their pitbulls interact with other dogs without knowing for sure that their dogs are dog social, which can sometimes end pretty disastrously. Not saying your brother's dog is like this at all, but it's entirely possible for a dog aggressive pit to be ok with one or two dogs and NOT be okay with other dogs)

i know sometimes with social interactions dogs do try to establish social dynamics with each other in order to reduce conflict in the long run (not like a linear hierarchy, but they do seem to have a pecking order of sorts that can be dynamic and change at any time) so it's possible the two girls are trying to put the husky in her "place", and the husky is not tolerating it. Ive seen this happen in dog play groups many times, where there are basically dogs that will bully and challenge other dogs to vie for a better "rank", which usually either ends up with one dog ""submitting"" orrrr a dog fight.

(I am trying to avoid using the word dominance but i know sometimes it is appropriate, but i am NOT by any means an animal behaviorist so i do not want to lead you astray)

BTW If anyone dogblr following me wants to correct anything ive mentioned please don't hesitate to do so lol im pretty new to dog behavior and willing to learn more!

as for why breed matters. that is a whole can of worms that i dont think i can answer fully, but I'll say this. Dogs, since the beginning, have been bred to do different tasks for/with humans. Every breed has been so thoroughly refined over the last 1000s of years that their literal wolf/predator instincts have morphed into tasks that are useful for humans - dogs like collies know how to herd without being taught, sight hounds want to chase, terriers instinctively bite-kill vermin/small animals, retrievers are compelled to retrieve, etc. you get the drill. wolves on the other hand are compelled to complete the prey sequence, which ends in consumption of prey. (it isnt quite this simple really, and dogs can absolutely still have the compulsion to complete the prey sequence, but i just want to try to make some sense) Wild wolves also aren't nearly as attentive to humans as dogs are; dogs have literally been bred to be attuned to our body language and our emotions, and are also way more dependent on humans than wolves are.

There's a video actually that i think beautifully demonstrates this by showing the difference between how a collie and greyhound respond to a mechanical hare, i cant find it but i will try to describe it. A mechanical hare is running. The greyhound races to catch it by chasing it around the track. The border collie does not chase, but attempts to cut off the hare at the front. Same prey drive, with different parts of the prey sequence being used (greyhound - chase; collie - eye/stalk)

Until very recently, while dogs have always been cherished companions, they have also been "tools" used for very specific functions/jobs to help humans. Nowadays the need for dogs in specific tasks has decreased dramatically, and dogs with say, high drive, are being placed in homes that do not know how to fulfill those needs. Border collies without something to do are probably the most anxious creatures you will ever meet. Terriers adopted to families with cats or small animals are sometimes in for an unfortunate accident, if they don't know better. People who own hounds sometimes don't understand at all why their dog is so loud and barks so much. It's so incredibly vital that people understand dog breeds as they are, not fault them for their literal genetics, and have realistic expectations for living with and training dogs of a certain breed.

All that is to say, yes dogs have personalities, yes dogs are individuals, and yes dog breeds are also basically GMO wolves that live inside of our homes, rent free. Knowing the breed your dog is will set you and your dog up for success in whatever it is you want to do with your dog, whether it is having a companion, doing dog sports, hunting, training in service work, etc.

#ask #anonymous #sorry this is all over the place <3 #hope this helps lmao

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