#fucking sofas

[unwillingdarling]

thinking about… being naive enough to trust an internet friend, to fly into their city to visit them and getting so excited after a long day of flying to see their car pull up at the airport, and they pop the trunk to let you put your stuff in and climb into the front beside them, and they smile at you and welcome you in and they’re kind and bubbly and talking about the things y’all will get up to

and getting on the road from the airport and stopping at that first light, and you notice them moving beside you, and you look at their lap and then to their face in shock because, well… you’d never said anything, but you’d had a crush on them for as long as you can remember and been thinking worse thoughts about them along in your bed for longer

and they roll their eyes at your pause and “well?”

and it’s not a question. it’s not even a suggestion. any of that friendliness from moments ago melts away, and they lock the doors and pop the buckle on your seatbelt

and…. who are you to say no?

they tangle a hand in your hair once you’ve leaned over and lowered your mouth to them, tasting them, and they push your head down fully. while you make these pathetic noises, moaning and gagging around them, only getting louder when you realize you can’t pull away, they’re holding you there, they decide for you:

you won’t be making that flight back in a few days.

[basslinegrave]

so i had an idea because i work with fur and have 3 dogs and all of my clothes end up covered in fur. i thought about these two just going thru lint rollers rapidly - but no, they wouldnt. everything is covered in fur. paired up with a dingy sofa.

unshaded (and unfurred) under the cut

[manyblinkinglights]

Every once in a while I remember this porno clip or still I saw of a guy living the ostentatious masc dream of a luxurious pad filled with hoes draping themselves languorously and cavorting lithely and etc. But a big part of it was supposed to be, clearly, how much power and money he had. and.

he had a tarp down on the sofa for his hoes. and.

sorry but am I shallow for my dream being that someone else washes the covers on the cushions OR it just gets reupholstered after??

like it was just so intrusive on this fantasy of power and control that this guy couldn’t unwind his neuroses enough to relax about his couch. like just don’t fuck on it at that point! Fuck somewhere else!

putting a tarp down for your hoes. god.

[giddlygoat]

i enjoy this scene in average amounts

[merakiui]

angel and devil on your shoulder as the leech twins except they’re both devils they just argue who’s bad idea u should do XD

OOOOOO omg devil!Jade who is always up to no good... and then angel!Floyd who is objectively the worst angel ever. T_T he's the least holy angel you'll ever meet (he's committing sacrilege daily and archangel Rollo is going to kick him out of heaven for one more infraction), but at least he's sort of good at his job (i.e. he's good at lazing around and putting good vibes out into the world)???

He's assigned to you as your guardian angel and all is well until Jade worms his way into your life, ready to lead you astray with all sorts of mischievous temptation. He's the soggiest incubus you've ever met because he thought it'd be cute to look pathetic and hungry, but you refuse to let him feed from you and now he just looks silly when he's all splayed out on your bed like a nude model in his skimpy outfit. :( mission failed successfully? Because now he's so whipped for you, the only human who's able to resist all of his charms. He thinks he'll stay for a while; your home is very comfortable. <3

Floyd's kicking him out because you're his human shrimpy. It's his job to look after and protect you. Jade is not welcomed here. >:( Floyd's jealousy gets the better of him and maybe he's being petty when he blesses your house and puts all sorts of magical seals and enchantments on it to ward off devils like Jade, but this is only because he wants you all to himself. How else can he possibly have a chance with you if Jade's so annoyingly relentless with his attempts to charm you into sex? T_T

[gotalottalegs]

Life on the Murder Scene is such a good name for a vampire mockumentary Stupid bullshit inspired by this post from @mychemicalraymance​ Bonus btw

[callsthefaithful]

uwueueueueuee 🥹🫵 the cat has fallen in love with the spider

[smeraldo-heart]

Put Cal over cat images because. He is an orange cat through and through

Had a little bit too much fun making this

[wolfavens]

night night, little donovans 🥹

[votaeto]

an update on my figures!!

I bought a container haha, thankfully it fits all of my one piece merchs— and I realized now I got big ace and sabo!! both in sitting position!! I love them 😋🫶🏻💫

guess who’s my fave…

these two came today!! and ohmygod I’m going crazy over them… ace in jeans.. shirtless.. the pose.. THIS SABO FIGURE. THE VEINS. HIS POSE?? NO GLOVE??? INSANE.

[ralfmaximus]

The Associated Press removed its fact-check debunking the claim that former President Donald Trump’s running mate Senator JD Vance (R-OH) once had sex with a couch just 24-hours after it was published after the article “didn’t go through” the outlet’s “standard editing process.”

Random internet guy posts a joke about how JD Vance admitted he fucked a sofa in his autobiography, even citing the pages

Because the joke was posted the same day Trump announced Vance as his running mate, the internet picks it up and runs

Joke goes viral, and because JD Vance is such a loathsome man the joke is very believable as fact

Associated Press publishes an article explaining that no, JD Vance never fucked a sofa

Associated Press almost immediately retracts the article, deleting all traces of it from their website

Fueling new rumors that JD Vance indeed fucked a sofa

Now nobody is really sure if JD Vance actually fucked a sofa or not

My own personal theory is that some shitty LLM chatbot found that original joke article published alongside all the other JD Vance news, and scooped it up as fact.

Now it's just ~in there~ alongside all the other true facts such as JD Vance once ate his own weight in boneless ribeye steaks at an expensive Washington DC restaurant but refused to pay the bill because he thought it was "all you can eat" like Golden Corral or that time JD Vance had both hands sliced off (then surgically reattached, backwards) when he tried to grab the bologna off a deli slicer to do it himself because he thought the delicatessen was operated by "The Jews" or that time JD Vance rode a motorcycle through a children's petting zoo as a protest because he thought there were drag queens reading stories to the kids baby goats or that time

[canirove]

Diary Room | Episode 3

[akito-shinonome-daily]

🎤 day 157 🎵

➥ today’s akito is from the utsuro wo aogu (hollow)/kashika cover art by senzaki makoto!!

[potechiis]

Just another day of prickcest falling asleep on the sofa to the sounds of the tv, after a long day of adventuring through the cosmic horrors of the universe 🥹 you know. Just bestie things 🥳

[downtherabbitholewithlucy]

Wes + This Look = Cozy Boyfriend Vibes

[foursaints]

what do u think of the popular pandora/lily ship

they strike me as almost... too healthy to properly compel me, if that makes sense? my lily characterization errs on the side of canon in that i see her as a force of light & goodness in the lives of all who she encounters. lily makes heroes out of the worst of people.

my pandora is someone with one foot in the dark & the other in light— halfway between the two, and teeter-tottering— and i find her at her most interesting when she is paired with someone "worse" (like lucius, or petunia, or rita, or barty) and grapples internally... i suggest checking out @/lilyrosiers for some great pandalily though!