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roycebrakcet-blog · 8 years

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I’m a deeply unhappy person but I don’t know how to show it to anyone

I’m the lowest common denominator in every broken relationship in my life, so it must always be me at fault. My relationship with my mum was so poor I ran away, and I know it was because she was emotionally unavailable, drank too much, and whenever I tried to tell her something was wrong she never even tried to do anything to help me, but it’s my fault. My relationship with my dad fell apart and he physically hurt me and violently took my belongings and goaded me to kill myself before kicking me out, and I know it happened because I was already damaged goods and he’s traumatised too, but it’s my fault. Friends and lovers I either abandoned, or they had to abandon me, because I mistreated them having never known a healthy relationship in my life, but it’s my fault. Nobody else shares any of the blame, because it’s all my fault.

I know it doesn’t even work like that, but I don’t know how to apply it and believe it. I know my mum was fucked up by her mum and my birth dad, and that she should have sought help before it got to the point she couldn’t keep a home and her kids were suffering. I know my dad is traumatised too and that he was frustrated because even though he tried to help me he didn’t know how to fix me, and that some of what he did to me is still downright wrong. I know some people have hurt me and I’m allowed to feel that way, and I know some people tried to help me and realised they couldn’t because they had their own lives to work through. None of the reasons anything happened to me dictate blame on anyone. Life is just an indiscriminate bitch and all the intertwining factors happened to come down on me by chance. It could have been anyone.

I’m angry because I couldn’t protect my mum all those times Chris hit her. I’m angry that social services never put me and my siblings into care when I was living in a home where I saw him hit her so hard her cheek split open. I can still see the blood and the police lady when I think about it. I’m angry that mum ever kicked me after going through abuse herself, and I’m angry she lied to the school and said she never did when I came into the head teacher’s office sobbing over it, and I’m angry that they believed her when they knew there were already problems at home. I’m angry my dad ever raised a hand against me knowing I was already terrified and the only way I knew to express that was to lash out. I’m angry at myself for somehow letting that and everything else turn me into a rabid animal instead of an average child, but how was I supposed to know what a healthy relationship looked like when all I’d seen and experienced was abuse and neglect? Still I blame myself for hurting so many innocent people the way I never want anyone to be hurt.

I want to cry over everything I had to go through and everything I’ve lost but I don’t know how. The only time I cry is during counselling with Adrian, because then it’s okay, it’s his job to help me learn how to let myself feel again - but then even when I do cry, I dissociate so hard I lose chunks of time and forget the last ten minutes, half an hour, the entire session. Sometimes he asks how something feels for me in a physical sense, like where in myself I’m experiencing grief, and I don’t know how to answer. It’s like I’ve become so worthless to myself that there’s a permanent disconnect between my feeling and thinking mind. There’s something about it being too much pain and grief to bear, too.

The only thing I do really feel any more - not all the time, but a lot of it - is anger in varying degrees, like a knot in my chest and throat. I’m hostile and snippy with everyone, but I don’t want to turn into my birth dad, so I isolate myself and hide away. In college I go under the stairs, or behind the vending machines, or lock myself in a disabled stall. In my flat I ignore my phone. I can’t go to some of my classes because the people in them trigger rage so bad I’m afraid I might shout at or physically harm somebody. I hate it and I never, ever want to do those things or instil the kind of fear I felt when I was shouted at and hurt, because no matter how annoying anyone is being they’re still a person.

I stopped seeing all my friends bar one, who’s been through some shit too, and gets it when I’m all wrong in my head. Even though a lot of them are also depressed I just don’t feel like I belong with them, and some of them have said things to me which make me think they don’t really want me around. One of them made it very clear she despises me after I’d spent a year thinking we were good friends. I don’t want to be around them any more, I guess, because it hurts too much to feel so alone surrounded by people. It’s easier to feel alone when you are actually alone. I was always on the edges of their groups - being around them just makes me more acutely aware of the feeling that I’m a robot or an alien trying desperately to mimic standard human behaviour and go unnoticed, but failing on both counts. I was invited to a party tonight by my closest friend and some other people I know were meant to be going, but I just don’t belong in those big howling groups of people I only half know and don’t even halfway trust. It’s horrible and I just feel even more isolated and by the end of the night I always feel so distanced from everyone else I contemplate suicide, and usually end up cutting.

I’m angry at people who get to have nice, average, relatively happy lives. I’m jealous even of people who are depressed without having a rough past, who can just take a pill every day or go to the state school limited course of six counselling sessions and carry on functioning just fine. What did I do that they got the perfectly normal life nobody bats an eyelid at and I got the fucked up one that makes people treat me like a zoo exhibit when I share it? It doesn’t even work like that, there’s no reason for me to have been given this lot and for them to have been given another, but it’s hard to understand that there just isn’t any explanation. The universe doesn’t know what “fair” is, it doesn’t even know what “chance” is, it just exists around a set of mathematical principles we can’t even fully explain. We can’t explain it and it can’t explain us.

I want to feel the full spectrum of emotions like your average person does. I want to let myself love and trust somebody so I can be who I actually am around another human being again, even though every time I’ve tried that I’ve been hurt and hurt the other person. My closest friend, the person who gets me most out of everyone I’ve met in life, has only seen me cry once when she was with me immediately after a counselling session, and now I’m pushing her away and I don’t understand why. I guess I don’t want her to get any closer to me in case she realises I’m a monster and not a man, because then she’ll run and take another little piece of my soul I can’t replace with me, like I give away to everyone who’s ever mattered to me. I want to protect her and myself.

Staff in college have been speaking to the support team saying they’re worried about me, and they’ve been mentioning how I look physically unwell a lot of the time. I’m tired and drained and people say I look pale and I wring my hands. Most of all I’m tired. I want to sleep.

#long post #negative #self harm ment #suicide ment #trauma ment

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fanfic-phoenix · 8 years

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The Mysterious Case of Love, Murder and Magic - Chapter 1

“Are you ready to continue, Mr Potter?”

Sharp green orbs bore relentlessly into the eyes of his interviewer, cold and devoid of any visible emotion.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

He sounded genuinely curious, but his questioner knew better. He knew that his subject was a champion in the art of masking his true feelings. That had been the father’s doing. And speaking of the father,

“You just found out that your father committed suicide, a few weeks after he was exposed as a…” He cleared his throat awkwardly. Obviously Potter picked up on his hesitation. His crisp voice showed his annoyance more than anything he’d seen before, and yet it was disguised as mild.

“As what, exactly?”

Emerald eyes continued to stare, and the nervous detective swallowed, trying to moisten his dry throat. He wasn’t the one under interrogation here; why was he so much more nervous than his subject?

“As a fraud, Mr Potter. Richard Brook came forewa-”

“Richard Brook, Detective Inspector, died twenty years before your team of so-called ‘professionals’ created this mess!”

Here came the first unmasked flash of strong emotion, the first flash of anger, to emerge from the sixteen year old so much older than his tender years. The Detective, the only adult in the room and yet feeling oddly inferior, sighed.

“For one, Mr Potter, we’re well aware, of your opinion of Mr Brook.” His mind added another line: God knows the papers were, too. “And secondly, may I remind you that I want to find the truth just as much as you.”

“And yet you ignore the ones handing it to you. Isn’t that logic rather flawed, Lestrade? I don’t wonder that Dad thought you stupid – you’re proving it to me now!”

Lestrade sighed; clearly now was time for a new approach.

“Harry, how about we start again?”

The boy before him slipped into a languid slump, one arm hanging lower than the other, almost dusting the grey floor. “Must we?”

Lestrade blinked, wondering briefly if the child purposely emulated his father’s lax standards of respect. Who was he kidding; of course he was!

“How about we start by you telling me this. How did you meet Sherlock Holmes?”

The day dawned slowly at Privet Drive, yet one resident of number 4 was already awake. Nightmares plagued this fourteen year old mind, leaving it with little sleep and even less peace. He lay on his second hand bed, feeling the lumps in the decrepit mattress prod at every bone in his thin body, staring at the yellow stains on the supposedly white ceiling. He savoured these moments, however unenjoyable they may seem. The quiet moments, when the only noise was his own quiet breaths and the only movement were his shivers - whether they be from biting cold or biting terror.

Today was the first day of the second week of summer, whatever the London weather might say, and the youngest inhabitant of 4 Privet Drive hated it with a burning passion. Why did he hate it? Why, his name was Harry Potter, the unlucky orphan bequeathed to Vernon and Petunia Dursley, who did all they could to change him. To ‘fix’ him. They reckoned the beatings and starvation and isolation could rid him of his freakishness, his differences - the one thing they truly could not stand. He was extraordinary, and totally unlike anything they knew how to deal with. He was a wizard, one of the most famous wizards to ever live in fact. The Boy-Who-Lived, son of Lily and James Potter.

The last person to see Cedric Diggory alive.

Of course, his relatives didn’t know that. If they had, he held no delusions on what his fate would have been. They wouldn’t have taken him back, wouldn’t have risked their precious little Duddykins getting hurt. Or killed.

He wasn’t actually the killer, not technically. (The fact that if he had stopped Cedric taking the cup - if he’d noticed that something was wrong - then Cedric would still be alive weighed heavily and permanently upon his mind.) That title belonged to the recently resurrected Lord Voldemort, a hollow shell that was once a man, who had murdered Harry’s parents, Cedric, and countless others.

He couldn’t really blame people for not wanting to believe him.

Not one soul believed him. It was easier for them to lay the blame at his feet, let him once again shoulder the burden that was the greatest mass murderer in the world. Even Ron and Hermione doubted his innocence. They didn’t say, but he could tell. The disbelief shone bright in their eyes, and lay heavy in their voices. The Minister was denouncing him as crazy at this very moment, and the newspapers had thought him mad for a while now. He didn’t deny it. He couldn’t deny it. No one could live the life he did without losing most of their sanity. Mass murderers hunting him, friends abandoning him, newspapers abusing him… it was a mess.

He groaned as the day broke fully outside of his window. He knew it wasn’t long now until the shrill voice of his Aunt Petunia (who was not as sweet as her name might suggest) began caterwauling outside the door, yelling for him to make breakfast for the zoo. Peering desperately at the damaged alarm clock, he wondered if he could make a break for it. Sure, he’d regret it later, but for now he wanted to be alone, far away from a yelling cousin, demanding uncle and frying pan brandishing aunt. Decision made, he began to make his plan. A plan which, contrary to popular belief, wasn’t doomed to total failure because he thought of it. It was only usually his plans went to hell, thank you very much!

Out of the window would be the quickest option, but that had the downfall of, well, the fall. His grand escape wouldn’t go well if he was to break his ankles upon landing. Next option was through the front door. But that would require passing every bedroom in the house, with a high chance of awakening the troll, so that was no use either. Aha!

Today was Saturday! He’d simply offer to go to the Post Office for Aunt Petunia. Dudley and Vernon were watching the match tonight, so she’d be willing to get him out of the house so that she could make the ridiculous amounts of food it took to satisfy the never satisfied.

It was midday before he had the chance to escape, but his plan came through. That was why he was sat on the swing in the park, with only his thoughts to accompany him, when a dirty rag was pressed roughly to his nose and mouth.

He awoke in a warehouse, his head pounding and wrists aching. A quick glance told him why - cords wrapped so tight they cut into tender flesh, and in such away that movement was excruciating, blood trickling out slowly and dropping, like the waste from a tap, onto the filthy ground below. He looked at himself, ignoring the growing stiffness in his neck, and catalogued no less than fourteen new gouges and three new bruises. The deeper cuts had been crudely dressed - obviously they didn’t want him bleeding out. Where had the gouges come from? Catching a whiff of cheap cologne, he was assaulted by a vivid memory. He had woken briefly before this, and hadn’t been too pleased at his surroundings. He smirked slightly at the echoing memory of his head smacking against his attacker, but then winced slightly, both at the vivid sound of bones snapping his mind supplied, and the pain a smirk caused. He supposed he should be more frightened, but he really was’t. Perhaps after being abducted from Hogwarts - the safest place he’d ever known - by Voldemort meant that nothing, nothing in his entire life, could possibly be worse.

White noise blared into his ear and he started, emerald eyes darting round the room and checking for anyone entering. No one. His eyes continued to fly, before they landed on a screen. It remained dark for a moment, before the unbearable noise in his ears ceased.

Welcome, Harry.

Said boy choked down a gasp. He wouldn’t show surprise at the text on the screen, he wouldn’t show weakness.

Brave one, aren’t you.

He should be. He was a lion. He’d survived Voldemort, he could survive some small time kidnapper.

I need your help. I want to talk to your Daddy. We’re playing a game, a game of hide and seek almost. I want to win, and you’ll put me one up.

Harry blinked, before talking. He was fairly sure that he could be seen, and probably heard too. “You’ve got me mixed up with someone else. My parents died years ago. You’ve made a mistake.”

No one’s told you then? Tut tut. And they call me immoral. You don’t even know how you were conceived.

Did this man think he was a fool?

“Of course I know. When a Mummy and a Daddy love each other very much-”

Oh Harry, you poor ignorant fool. You don’t know your parents.

“Well, of course not!” He fumed, “They’re dead!”

Your mother may have died, I don’t care. Her partner may have died with her. I still don’t care. The man I care about is your real Daddy, who is very much alive. Speaking of…

What? That was impossible. James was his dad! He had to be! Everyone said how much they looked alike, how much they acted alike. This had to be a mistake!

Right on cue, a phone besides him dialed. It was picked up almost immediately. A deep baritone voice came through, but Harry didn’t listen to him insisting a painting he didn’t know about was a fake. He was far more interested in the bright red light shining on his head, and the fact that such a monumental mistake had been made. Was he going to die here? On what was probably a case of mistaken identity?

Don’t answer yet Harry, else we’ll have to get rid of you, and that would be a shame. A bit different than my usual style, but you caused a bit of trouble when we tried to strap the bomb on. It’s in the corner now. We’ll set it off later if required.

Harry kept silent, his trembling breaths the only sound in the room. He wanted to cry, to scream, but he couldn’t.

“It’s a fake. That’s why Woodbridge and Cairns were killed.”

Don’t talk yet Harry, let’s surprise him.

He focused on breathing, trying to stay calm.

“Oh, come on. Proving it’s just the detail. The painting is a fake. I’ve solved it. I’ve figured it out. It’s a fake! That’s the answer. That’s why they were killed.”

Daddy’s a bit impatient, isn’t he! But he’s not proved it yet, the naughty boy. Keep quiet Harry.

Harry scowled, this man was not his father! Really, it was amazing a criminal could make such mistakes and stay out of prison. But the screen was right about impatience, at least, he could hear the deep calming breath from over the phone.

“Okay, I’ll prove it. Give me time. Will you give me time?”

Ok Harry, let’s give him a shock. Say exactly what I tell you, else we’ll shoot you.

He took a steadying breath, trying to ignore the voice in his head that told him that the screen could possibly be right. It couldn’t be right, but he let his own tremulous voice ring through with the word dictated.

“Daddy?”

He heard the sharp intake of breath of the man over the phone, whilst muffled voices sounded in the background.

“It’s a kid. Oh God, it’s a kid!” He assumed that was someone official.

“What did he say?” He assumed that was someone who listened carefully to the words.

“Daddy.” That was the quiet voice of…

Sherlock Holmes. My playmate, your Daddy. Now, you’re going to say this. Exactly this.

He felt his breath hitch. Clearly Sherlock had sensed some form of truth, else he’d have been confused. It hadn’t been confusion in his voice, only disbelief.

“Don’t worry Daddy. I’ll be ok. I won’t hate you when - when,” He felt his voice crack slightly, and a single hot tear ran down his skin. He swallowed, “When I’m dead.”

Sherlock’s voice was panicked, as several more panicked voices muttered confusedly in the background.

“No no NO! Listen very carefully, Harry. You are not dying today. I’ll come fetch you myself when we’ve got this mess sorted.”

He choked. It was true. James wasn’t his father! How could he be, when this stranger knew his name at the claim he was his son? He felt his heart and breathing speed up - this meant that something had gone on, something he knew nothing about! Either he was lied to, he was adopted, or (more likely)... His mother had betrayed his father.

Touching sentiment from Daddy there. Rather shown his hand though, hasn’t he. Say this, it’ll really get him working.

Harry’s voice trembled and a second tear fell. He stopped thinking of his parents… his mum and her partner.

“Ten...”

He could imagine Sherlock’s look of sudden panic, dropping the phone to the side and looking for clues.

The voice he assumed was the official sounded out.

“What did he say?” “Ten!”

Carry on.

“Nine.”

The low voice of Sherlock Holmes sounded.

“It’s a countdown. He’s giving me time.”

Several expletives sounded, but only one voice sounded remotely calm, though it held a hidden tremor.

“The painting is a fake, but how can I prove it? How? How?”

“Eight… Don’t worry Daddy.”

Voice trembling on the final word, he tried to think of what had probably happened. Had James known? Or had he died trying to protect a child he thought was his own? He felt sick; would James have even tried to help if he’d known? He didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to think of the lies and betrayals and the fact that everything he’d known about his parents was a lie! Picturing the scene he could only hear, he imagined a figure rounding on the others, preferring it to the previous image. “This kid…” Here came a choked mix between laugh and sob, as if the speaker couldn’t quite believe, “My son will die. Tell me why the painting is a fake. Tell me!”

He best be careful here, he’s about to break the rules! Carry on.

“Seven …”

“No, shut up. Don’t say anything. It only works if I figure it out.”

Phewee, that was close, wasn’t it!

A small sound of relief escaped, and he strained his ears to hear what was going on. He could hear the pacing of one, probably a man, if the heavy footprints were anything to say.

“Must be possible. Must be staring me in the face.”

Desperate. He was desperate. He couldn’t help it. A rush of warmth engulfed him, despite the situation - he had a dad, and he cared. He felt sick again. This man couldn’t be his dad. Biologically maybe, but really? No. He hadn’t been there, hadn’t held off a maniac to save his life. It was an insult to James to think of Holmes as anything close to his father. The warmth began to recede, and he felt glad.

You seem a bit relaxed, carry on.

“Six…”

The warmth was gone now, gone as if it had never existed.

“Come on.” People were beginning to get frustrated now.

“Woodbridge knew, but how?”

“Five…”

“It’s speeding up!”

“Sherlock.”

Harry felt another tear fall. He was going to die. He was going to die. He was-

“Oh!”

“Four…”

“John, in the planetarium! You heard it too. Do you know? Do you know the name?”

Clearly this John didn’t, as he heard no reply.

“Three…”

“What is it?”

There was a laugh, a laugh of pure relief. Harry felt his heart lift. Sherlock must have got it!

“This is beautiful!”

He heard the footsteps of his father approach the phone, and obeyed the command.

“Two…”

A furious voice sounded in the background, “Sherlock!”

“The Van Buren Supernova!”

There it was, the answer.

Oh, what a shame. He got it. Well, I suppose you can say what you want now. Bye!

The screen flashed off and the target disappeared from his forehead.

He was ok.

“Please! Is somebody there? He’s left me alone, you got it!”

He heard a relieved sigh over the speaker.

“Y-you took your sweet time about it.”

There was a brief silence over the phone, before the deep laughter of Sherlock sounded through. He heard himself join in, and it took a moment for them to calm down.

“Jokes. Hysterics. You’re in shock.”

“So are you.”

What was he doing? He was tied up in a warehouse, and instead of asking for help he was snarking back at the man who saved him! Joking with the man Lily had betrayed James for! He was definitely in shock.

Voices in the background started again. “Go find out where he is and then text me. I’m coming with you.”

There was silence except for footsteps, but only for a moment.

“The Van Buren Supernova, so-called. Exploding star, only appeared in the sky in

1858.”

“So how could it have been painted in the 1640s?”

“That was John, Harry, in case you’re wondering. Dr John Watson, slightly less idiotic than the general population.”

Laughing bemusedly - how were they holding a conversation like this? How were they ignoring the fact that Sherlock was his biological father? - he decided to play along with the facade of normality. “Pleased to meet… hear you, Dr Watson. Can you fix bleeding wrists? And other cuts? And bruises?”

“I’ll... I’ll give you a checkup when we find you.”

Poor John. Harry couldn’t help but pity the man, he sounded so confused. A whispered conversation was going on in the background, an argument. He couldn’t hear it, he only caught the words ‘father’, ‘shock’, ‘Sherlock’ and ‘fine’. A toneless voice came through the speaker.

“So,” There was the sound of a throat being cleared. Harry didn't blame him for stalling. It wasn't exactly every day that father and son met via kidnapping. He didn’t want to discuss it either. He was fairly sure he preferred the lie to this reality. His inheritances were truly awful - a crazy murderer off his parents, and a kidnapping off of Holmes - but he still preferred the lie. Mercifully, he heard someone yelling in the background, before Sherlock could say anything.

“We've found him!”

“Well Harry, we'll continue this when we've picked you up. John insists I ‘clear the air’. Apparently that's what people do.”

Harry could practically hear the sneer, but also genuine confusion. He stayed silent, settling in to wait.

Twenty minutes later, he could hear the door of the warehouse creak open.

“Bomb in the corner, disarmed but probably should still watch for that!” He yelled out. He wasn’t too keen on being blown to smithereens.

“Bloody hell. Donavon, get the bomb squad on!”

A small team of officers entered first, one (he assumed Donavon) dialing on her phone.

“No need Lestrade, called them on the way here. They should be here soon.”

Green eyes flew to the owner of the voice, the voice he recognised from the phone, as Donovan’s face turned sour.

The first thing he noticed of Sherlock Holmes was his height. Merlin, he was incredibly tall. He gave the impression, however, of a gangly colt - in possession of height and long limbs that were easily trip hazards. But perhaps that was because he had the build of a stick insect. Judging by the sure footed steps taken, it was probably the stick insect resemblance. He wore a long blue trench coat and scarf - much too thick for the weather. Both articles, in fact, were shed soon after he entered, placed carefully on a table. Beneath those, he was clad in what looked like a silk shirt in purple, with black trousers. There was a frown on his pink lips, framed by high cheekbones and a crease between his ice blue eyes. Tousled brown hair sat upon his head, looking like the man had repeatedly ran his spidery hands through it.

Stood next to Sherlock was a man, whom he assumed to be Doctor Watson. Judging by the close proximity of him to the tall man, they held a close companionship, though the Doctor was older. He seemed far more ordinary than Sherlock too, wearing jeans, t shirt and much more sensible jacket than the trench coat. He was shorter too, shorter than average perhaps (though most likely everyone appeared shorter than average next to the giraffe-esque height of Holmes.) Moving his hand, a medical bag was clearly seen, and Harry relaxed slightly at the look of kindly concern in his eyes.

The odd pair approached him together as the others hung back. There was a brief flash of fury in the younger man’s eyes as their gazes met, quickly hidden behind a porcelain mask of apathy and ennui. The Doctor crouched in front of him.

“My name is John, John Watson. Can you tell me where it hurts?”

“My wrists, mostly. The binds are tight… they had to restrain me.”

He spotted Sherlock’s mouth pull up at the corners before he ducked behind the chair to work at removing the binds. It was almost a look of… pride? Was he happy that Harry had been a pain? He ignored it, concentrating on the binds moving around his wrists. It took a moment before he felt them loosen, and he held them up for examination. He watched John bustle around, as Sherlock began to talk, pointing to a selection of people.

“Sally Donovan, Anderson - he’s an idiot - Graham Lestr-”

“Greg!”

“Greg Lestrade, slightly more competent than most. John Watson, more competent than anyone in the force.”

Sherlock grinned at him, but Harry kept his face stony. Confusion briefly marred the face of the tall man, but he carried on talking regardless.

“Sherlock Holmes, Consulting Detective. We’ll just call your mother and get this done with.”

Green eyes flashed darkly towards the icy blue ones that looked down to him. A blink, and then shock once again filled the pale face. His mouth formed a silent ‘oh’ of surprise and he shifted his weight till he leaned backwards.

Hadn’t he known?

“How could you not know!?”

The question came out far harder, far more angrily than he meant it to. A porcelain mask had built itself onto the face of the Detective. Officers had turned to look, and John Watson had paused his medical examination to check on his friend.

“I- I don’t know. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Now people were really staring. Sherlock Holmes did not stutter. Sherlock Holmes did not

apologise. Sherlock Holmes did not speak in a voice choked with… sentiment, or look upon a face with a look of pure, real sorrow and regret.

Sherlock must have felt eyes upon him, for he cleared his throat and when he spoke again his tone was far more normal.

“I don’t know why I wasn’t informed of Lily’s passing, nor why I failed to deduce it when I saw you.”

Harry flinched slightly at the piercing look he was subject to.

“I suppose… James received the same fate.”

Bristling at the resentment expressed in a name he treasured so, Harry had to retaliate. His voice was glacial, more hostile than he knew it was capable of being.

“My Father died buying my Mum time to save my life. He gave his life to try and save us, which begs the question; what on earth did Mum see in you?”

“Is this really the time to discuss this? Perhaps after John’s checked your wrists?”

Harry was vaguely aware of the silence that encompassed him and Sherlock. He was vaguely aware of the look the Detective sent to Doctor, a look that clearly said ‘Help me!’ He was vaguely aware of the fact that, really, Sherlock had a point. Now wasn’t exactly the time to discuss, not with the police all around. Perhaps he should have waited for his emotions to calm, for his senses to clear. But as the blood roared in his ears, he knew that he wasn’t waiting.

“No, actually, I think now is a great time to discuss. Seeing how you left me for fifteen years and will probably leave me again once you can drop me home, now is a great time to discuss!”

“I didn’t choose to leave you.”

He wasn’t sure why, but the calm, sangfroid voice of the man he faced infuriated him.

“Of course you didn’t,” he scoffed. “This is the part where you declare you never wanted to leave and that Lily picked James so you only left to avoid ruining her life further, and I run into your arms declaring that my life will be fine now because I have a parent again.”

“Perhaps you should sit down a moment.”

He hadn’t noticed he was standing.

“Don’t act concerned, answer the bloody question: what did mum see in you?”

Silence.

He felt his anger dissipate slightly. Could Sherlock not see a single reason? No, this was not the time to feel sorry for him. He screwed up his rage tightly, holding onto to it for all he was worth.

“Tell me!”

A hurt look fluttered onto the pallid, pointed face of the man who stood admirably beneath a barrage of irritability, before it became blank.

“She saw a man to whom she was attracted, who was clearly attracted to her, and could hold a decent enough conversation. Therefore, the logical choice for a... companion whilst her husband was away.”

John closed his eyes. Bit not good. This whole thing was a bit not good. In front of the force too… he was going to have to hide the gun again. Mrs Hudson was already upping the rent about the wall, they didn’t need Sherlock to exacerbate the issue with more holes.

The-Boy-Who-Lived looked at the Detective, disbelief in his eyes. The Detective threw up his arms and turned to face his faithful blogger, desperate.

“Help me!”

“I can’t!”

He tried again, his voice lowering and becoming more threatening (though everyone who knew the pair - most of all Sherlock - knew he’d never bring himself to do something to hurt his blogger). John barely reacted,

“I won’t, Sherlock. Your mess, not mine.”

An aggravated sigh, before he made an attempt to salvage it alone.

“Clearly that wasn’t the best way to describe it.”

“Obviously not.”

Lestrade tried not to let his draw drop at the resemblance. Sally was already planning her resignation speech - she didn’t think she could cope with a baby freak running around London.

“Am I given a retry?”

“No.”

“Alright. Time to take you home then.”

“I guess so.”

Harry travelled in the police car. Sherlock followed in a cab with John. Both were silent passengers, receiving concerned glances from their equally mute companions.

Upon arrival, Lestrade and Sherlock took the ex-hostage up to the door, the gangly Detective knocking on the door.

Out came a red faced man, with a mustache that fairly bristled with his emotions. Right now it bristled in some form of smug anger, observing his nephew stood with an officer.

“Knew he was no good, just like his parents. What’s he done? Criminal damage? Theft? Assault?”

“On the contrary, Mr Dursley, your nephew has just been released from the hands of a kidnapper.”

That was Sherlock’s low voice, and he didn’t give Vernon a chance to reply before he continued.

“In fact, I don’t think I’ll be returning Harry to you. I’m not entirely convinced you’re a fit guardian.”

Dursley was turning red with every word.

“What the devil are you talking about?”

“You’re in clothes of no poor quality, perfect fit despite your frankly dangerously large frame. Perfect teeth, though a frankly awful smile. Your house is well kept and expensive. Clearly you have the money for any necessities, yet your nephew hasn’t even got a well fitting pair of jeans. The bags under Harry’s eyes tell me he gets very little sleep. Whether that’s down to you working him into the night, the poor bed you provide or the-”

He cut himself off, turning to mutter something in the good Doctors ear. John shook his head, looking resigned (he had long ago realised he would spend a good deal of his existence filling in the gaps of his flatmate’s fractured knowledge of social customs and common decency.)

Sherlock made a note of his new knowledge (announcing in front of strangers that someone suffered from nightmares was a bit not good) and continued his torrent of deductions.

“Moving on, you clearly have the resources to feed everyone in your household easily enough, yet Harry exhibits signs of a distinct lack of food in his system. Do I need to continue?”

Throughout the downpour of criticisms, Vernon’s face had taken on the remarkable qualities of a chameleon. Now though, it had decided on a very particular shade of puce, one exhibited only when the person was in a rather foul mood. Acting on an instinct - a protective instinct he only now knew he possessed and which infuriated him because it proved what he had always tried to deny, he did care - the world’s only Consulting Detective unobtrusively moved himself to shield both the son who had rejected him and the blogger who refused to abandon him. Lestrade noticed the movement and realised with a jolt that Sherlock fully expected some form of risk. Harry was jerked from his place by a quick tug on his sleeve by the Detective Inspector, as Vernon began the attack Sherlock had anticipated.

“THERE IS NOT A CHANCE IN HELL I’M TAKING ABUSE FROM A COUPLE OF.... FROM A COUPLE OF-”

“It would be wise, Mr Dursley, to end your sentence there. Neither myself or my companion Captain Watson are gay, but I will not hesitate to deal with you in the appropriate manner if I hear such terms as you were preparing to use within my presence.”

Sherlock’s voice was frigid, colder than any of the people around it had heard it be before. Sure, they’d seen him angry, but never livid. Never so furious that his very eyes clouded and hardened with a poisoned mist of rage. Never so furious that his lips disappeared into pale lines in an effort to restrain the deductions that came so effortlessly to mind and could so easily tear the man to a trembling mass on the cold hard floor.

Harry watched the Detective heave in a breath, as he stood by Lestrade. He’d never seen anyone stand up to his uncle like that… perhaps that was why Vernon seemed so pale. John glared at the walrus before him, his posture straighter than before. “Mr Dursley?”

He spoke calmly, but it was a terrifying calm. The calm before the storm. Sherlock gently removed something from his friend’s back pocket, placing it in his own. A weapon? (Harry did notice the good Doctor’s fist clenching and unclenching.)

Vernon nodded tightly upon hearing his name. John continued.

“My name, Mr Dursley, is Captain John Watson of the 5th Northumberland Fusiliers. I have met men twice the person you are. And, Mr Dursley, many of those men were gay. I would thank you to readjust your view hastily.”

Pale as a sheet, Vernon opened his mouth to retaliate. The deductive genius sensed quickly that John would not endure much abuse without cracking - the main reason he had removed the gun. (He wasn’t entirely sure how legal it was, and if John was to punch the man - not that anyone would complain - it probably wouldn’t go down well if found on his person.) He decided to cut in before they came to blows, it’d probably be easier.

“I have little patience for idiots, Dursley. Come along John. Harry, you can stay with us until you want to move or…” He paused briefly, but covered it quickly, “You could stay permanently. Lestrade, do let me know if there are any updates.” The detective began to walk away, pulling his blue coat tightly to his thin frame, flipping up the collar. The other two followed (Harry hesitating slightly before deciding that, actually, nothing could be worse than Vernon), pausing only when the Detective turned over his shoulder to give his closing statement.

“And Dursley? You should probably ask Petunia about the yoga instructor at Total Fitness.” He flashed a cold smile, before striding down the path to catch the oncoming taxi.

Harry smiled slightly at the memory before hiding all emotions behind a blank mask, stowing his heart behind stone walls, rather than on his sleeve. He heard Lestrade’s small sigh, and felt his resentment settle for a brief moment. He knew Lestrade had only been doing his job, was only doing his job now. And he clearly missed his father, seeing as how any resemblance he showed to his father elicited a sorrowful sigh. But Harry couldn’t help but harbour a deep burning anger, and the police were the ones to blame. His father was gone. Gone! Like almost every other adult in his life, he’d left.

He watched Lestrade fidget, answering the question before it was asked.

“Yes, Detective Inspector, all of Dad’s deductions seemed real. Were real. I’d very much like to return home now, John’s waiting for me.”

John hadn’t been the same since the… the fall. Harry, he’d lost his father, but at least he hadn’t watched. John… he’d lost his best friend, heard the shaking voice of a man usually so composed, watched the tumbling body of the fallen detective. Seen the mangled leftovers still dripping blood from the fresh wounds, leaving spotted stains on his always pristine suit. Harry couldn’t imagine seeing that, that’s why he didn’t leave John alone for too long. It wasn’t safe to leave a broken mind to it’s own devices.

He left the room with his head high and back straight, making himself as dignified and superior as he could. Mycroft had taught him that; act like you’re the best person in the room, soon everyone else will believe you too.

He passed a room containing Anderson and another Officer and grinned slightly at the raised voices he could. After the fall, the poor idiotic forensics specialist got guilty, decided to trawl through crimes and the like, searching for Sherlock, who (obviously) had to have faked his death. Clearly Anderson had decided to quit, pursue his new passion full time.

As he walked through the station, he soon came across a face he really didn’t want to see.

“Sally.”

“Harry.” Sally Donovan, the beginner of the end. She had begun the investigation into Sherlock Holmes, given Moriarty the opening he needed to invade the minds of everyone but the closest believers of the Consulting Detective, the ones who knew the truth. He hadn’t forgiven her either. He didn’t think he ever would.

“You been with Lestrade then?”

He sneered, the upper corner of his chapped lips curling upwards.

“Don’t ask questions you know the answer to Sally. I don’t ask you obvious questions. For example, I wouldn’t ask you who’ve you got your claws into this time, when I can tell it was the janitor.” He smirked, “From the state of your knees and the distinctive stench of that awful disinfectant they’ve got, you’ve either been doing the cleaning or doing the cleaner.”

He looked her over again, peering at her dishevelled clothes and smudged red lipstick, his sneer growing more and more prominent as she coloured dramatically, finally bursting in her anger, “Why you little-”

“And my question is answered. Now, if you’ll excuse me,” He swept past her, putting his hands in the back pockets of his slightly rumpled trousers, “I need to get home.”

Yes, Uncle Mycroft may have taught him how to intimidate them, but it was Dad who taught him how to ruin them.

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#hp #ff #hp fanfiction #sherlock #sherlock ff #sherlock fanfiction #hp/sherlock #crossover

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