#fun fact: back in the summer of 2017 i sat my ass down on my couch and watched tvd s1-6 in a span of maybe a week

[s4pphoiduser]

you make a snippy comment and she snips off your tongue

[harley-sunday]

No Regrets [04]

Summary: The rules they set were simple: friends with benefits. But are they really friends? And what exactly are the benefits? Starts after Daniel’s third place in 2017 Monaco Grand Prix and ends at the 2021 Zandvoort Grand Prix.

Pairing: Daniel Ricciardo x reader [unnamed OFC]

Warnings: Language. Smut. Semi-public sex. 18+

Word Count: 3.4k

AN: I feel like I keep repeating myself, but again, sorry for the long wait on this one. Took me a while to find my muse... Also, did I google Daniel’s car collection to see which of his cars would be best suited for whatever happens in this chapter? Damn right I did ;)

Masterlist

Zandvoort, September 2021

Daniel’s hand is drawing intricate patterns on your back, every now and then finding its way down to your ass and giving it a gentle squeeze. You look up at him and put your hand on his cheek as you push yourself up, capturing his mouth with yours for a kiss.

You can feel his body react almost immediately, his fingers stilling on the small of your back and you use his distraction to roll back, pulling him on top of you, his semi-hard cock pressing against your stomach letting you know just how turned on he is. You like it when he pins you down with his weight, like the feeling of having nowhere to go and so you kiss him a little harder, pulling up one knee to sort of keep him in place even though you know he could flip you both over in an instant if he wanted to. 

The feeling of dread you had earlier makes way for something far more primal then and so you reach for the nightstand and open the drawer, taking out a condom as you kiss him, and kiss him, and kiss him. 

Monaco, December 2017 

“I’m gonna go dance.”

“Yep,” you reply before he even has the chance to ask if you want to join him, instead raising your glass towards the dance floor and effectively dismissing him, “have fun.” You don’t miss the look he throws you but it’s not like you really care either and so you simply shrug before you take another sip of your champagne. It’s not that you don’t want to dance, not really anyway, it’s just that you don’t want to dance with him. 

Him being Pascal’s colleague Fréderic, who introduced himself as Fred but has also told you to call him the F-Meister multiple times already. Insisted even. You ignored his request. Of course you did. Because Freddy is the embodiment of a finance bro and believes he’s God’s gift not only to women but to the entire population even though you know for a fact he still lives at home with his mother and his fuckin’ pet lizard. The guy’s a weird combination of a douche and a nerd with an above average drinking pace if the number of beers he’s had ever since you sat down for dinner are anything to go by. He started slurring his words sometime during the main course and by the time dessert rolled around his eyes had glossed over and he struggled to finish his chocolate mousse, downing every bite with a sip of his beer for good measure. 

You’re not sure what made Liz think it would be a good idea to invite him as your date to her wedding because of all the blind dates she’s set you up on so far this year, all fifteen of them thank you very much, he’s definitely the worst. Not that you’ll tell Liz, not today anyway. Maybe after she and Pascal get back from the honeymoon they’re about to leave on tomorrow you’ll let her know that, while you appreciated the effort, she should stop her matchmaking efforts. After all, you’re not a giant panda. She can’t just put you together in a room with someone of the opposite sex and expect you to mate. If only it was that simple, you think.

Then again, with Daniel it is. 

Daniel. You haven’t thought about him in a while, you realise. Haven’t seen him these last few months either, not since that night you set down those ground rules and decided you’d try to be friends, but you have sent a few text messages back and forth. It’s how you know he spent most of his summer break in Los Angeles before the second half of the season had him travelling across the globe. The pictures he sent offered you a glimpse into his life and gave you some serious wanderlust which is why you went on a trip of your own at the beginning of November and you haven’t really spoken to him since. You’re not even sure he’s in Monaco right now. Not that it matters. Right?

Wrong. 

You’re not sure what makes you grab your phone and pull up Daniel’s thread in the messaging app, probably the five glasses of champagne you’ve had so far and the way your date has been treating you all night, but here you are. The last message he sent you is from two weeks ago, when he was in Abu Dhabi for the closing race of the season, a sunset view from his hotel room overlooking the racetrack. 

Before you know it you snap a selfie, holding up your glass of champagne while trying to look as unimpressed as possible into the front facing camera and send it to him.

Ask me about my wedding date. No really. I dare you.

It isn't until after you've sent it that you wonder if maybe the angle you took it from showed a little too much cleavage, but then you decide there's nothing you can do about it now. And it's not like he hasn't seen it all before, so...

Keeping the phone in your hand you let your gaze wander to the dance floor where a group of ten or twelve people, Fréderic included, are trying to keep the party going by singing along at the top of their lungs, not surprisingly completely off-key and taking shot after shot of what, you’re not exactly sure. Liz and Pascal are lost in their own world, slow dancing to a song that isn’t necessarily suited for it but that they somehow make work for them anyway. There’s a smile tugging at the corner of your lips as you watch them and you’re a little lost in your own thoughts when all of a sudden your phone beeps to let you know you’ve got a new message.

Please don’t tell me you’re letting that dress go to waste on some cunt who wouldn’t know what a good pair of boobs look like if they hit him square in the face.

You can’t help but laugh at his response and so your reply is quick:

Don’t you dare bring my boobs into this, Ricciardo.

It’s then you feel someone sitting down on the chair next to you and before you know it there’s an arm around your shoulders and Freddy’s warm, wet breath hits your cheek, the waft of alcohol filling your nostrils making you a little nauseous, “Why don’t you and I get out of here?”

“Oh Freddy,” you mock as you roll your eyes and shrug his arm off, “let’s not.”

Another beep then, signalling a new message from Daniel:

Why not? A+ on the boobs, babe. 

Another message follows not much later:

AND. I would TOTALLY know what to do with them if they hit ME square in the face. Just sayin’

You shake your head but there’s a smile tugging on the corner of your lips because maybe, just maybe- 

Don’t tempt me with a good time, champ.

“Are you seriously texting with another guy right now?”

You flinch. Not because you had forgotten about Freddy, even though, let's be honest, you very much had, but because he’s still too close for comfort and you realise he has been reading your back and forth with Daniel. Asshole. 

“Who’s that Dan guy?” Fréderic continues, tapping your screen with his finger repeatedly as if to make a point.

“Mind your own goddamn business, lizard boy,” you hiss as you pull your phone away from him and get up from your seat, deciding right then and there it’s time to go. The party has started to dwindle down anyway, all tables empty except the one you’re at and only a handful of people still on the dance floor. You’re sure Liz and Pascal won’t mind you leaving, not in the least because you’re the one driving them to the airport tomorrow.

You’re about to give Fréderic one last piece of mind when you hear a quiet, “Hello?” coming from somewhere close, the voice vaguely familiar but not in this setting. You look around, trying to find out where it’s coming from when all of a sudden you hear, “If you’re going to booty call me at least say something, babe,” coming from your left hand.

Oh shit.

You look at your phone and sure enough there’s an ongoing call with Daniel that Fréderic must have started when he was tapping at your phone with his greasy fingers. Oh well, might as well make the most of it now, you decide and so you look at your date when you bring the phone to your ear and answer with what you hope is a very seductive, “Hi baby.” 

Daniel lets out a laugh, “You ok?”

“Yeah, I miss you too,” you purr, hoping Daniel will understand what you’re doing. “Can’t wait to get out of here and see you again.”

“I can help with that,” Daniel says without missing a beat. 

You giggle as if he’s just made the most indecent proposal ever and turn your back to Fréderic to help with the act, “Baby, stop, people might hear you.” 

“He’s right beside you, isn’t he?”

“Hmm,” you moan rather obscenely, continuing your play, “I’d like that. Tell me what you’d do next.” 

“Oh Jesus,” Daniel scoffs and you can just imagine him shaking his head. “I meant what I said though. If you want to get out of there-”

“Baby, sssh, not so loud,” you say, trying to act embarrassed by biting your lip. You follow up with a whispered, “Give me on sec,” before you lower your phone ever so slightly and tell Fréderic, “Fred, I would say it’s been a pleasure, but my mother doesn’t like it when I lie, so-” you throw him a wink before you put your phone back to your ear and start walking towards the dancefloor, letting out a relieved sigh, “Ok. We’re clear.”  

“That poor guy,” Daniel chuckles, no doubt having heard what you just said.

“He’ll survive.” You pinch the bridge of your nose then, “Listen, I’m sorry you got tangled up in this, Dan, but thanks for being a good-” 

“Hey, no,” he says, effectively cutting you off. “I meant what I said. If you need a ride home, just say the word.”

So he is in Monaco, you realise with a smile. You’re not sure what makes you say what you say next because you can’t keep blaming everything on the champagne. Maybe it’s because you hoped you would at least get a decent one night stand out of this wedding. Or maybe it’s because it’s been five months since you last saw Daniel and hearing his voice makes you remember how good he can make you feel and reminds you how long it has been. It doesn’t matter because by then you’ve already told him, “As long as you promise that’s not the only ride I get to take tonight, champ.” 

***

When you walk out of Hotel Hermitage not much later, having said your goodbyes to Liz and Pascal and reminding them you’ll pick them up at eleven-thirty tomorrow morning, you spot Daniel easily enough, leaning against the passenger’s door of a slick Aston Martin Vantage in front of the steps that lead up to the hotel. 

He lets out a low whistle as you make your way down and makes a show out of opening the door for you with a courtesy type of bow, “Ma’am.” 

Biting your lip to keep from laughing, you simply nod in reply before getting in, hoisting up your floor length dress a little so you have room to manoeuvre the tight space. You’re quietly admiring the way the seat seems to be sculpted to your body when Daniel slides into his seat and flashes you a big grin as he starts the car, the engine coming alive with a roar, “Where to, babe?”

“Turn left at the end here,” you start, fully intending to giving him directions to your apartment but it’s then you risk a quick glance at him and see his right hand resting on his thigh as he drives through the streets of Monaco with just his left hand on the steering wheel, the tiny 3 tattooed on his pinky finger only faintly visible in the glow coming from the streetlights, that you have a better idea. You don’t inform him of the sudden change of plans, just keep telling where to go and it isn’t until you navigate him out of the city centre that he throws you a curious look.

“You never told me you lived outside of Monaco.”

“You never asked,” you counter with a grin. “Take a left here.”

His brows knit together as he turns onto the highway that, if you continue long enough, gets you to Nice, “Just where exactly am I taking you?”

“Starting to regret your offer?” 

“Nah,” he replies with a shake of his head, “it’s just- I guess I always thought you lived close to me.”

“Oh, I do,” you admit easily enough as you turn towards him in your seat, putting your own hand on his thigh, not missing the way he draws in a sharp breath when you inch even higher. “Next right.”   

He nods but doesn’t say anything and you can just about see the gears starting to turn in his head, both his hands on the steering wheel now, gripping it just a little tighter as your hand moves further up.

“Right there,” you tell him after a while, pointing at a small parking spot on the other side of the road. You’ve taken him to the Beaulieu lookout spot and he must be confused, must wonder why you brought him here to the middle of nowhere where there are no houses around, just the spectacular cityscape of Monaco down below. You unbuckle your seatbelt, push your seat back,bring your mouth to his ear, your hand now cupping him over his jeans, and quietly whisper, “Park the car facing forward, Dan. Don’t want you to miss the view.” 

“What-”

Your thumb strokes him over his zipper, “Move your seat back a little?” You can see the realisation finally starting to seep in and so he does as he’s told just as you put two fingers under his chin and turn his head towards you, finding his mouth with yours. Taking his bottom lip between your teeth you pull on it gently just as you press down harder with your other hand, drawing a groan from him that sends a shiver down your spine. 

“You’re a fuckin’ menace, you know that?” He mutters before he chases after your mouth, his kiss rough and full of want and you can’t help but smile into the kiss, feeling yourself starting to get wet. He puts one of his hands over yours then, pushing down even more as he grinds into your touch and you have to pull back from the kiss to catch your breath. 

You watch him as he lets his head fall back against the headrest and when a lazy grin appears you can’t help but smile back at him. When he bucks his hips once more you gently swat away his hand and make quick work of his button and zippers, pushing his jeans down a little so you have better access. Your hand finds its way into his boxers then and when you wrap your hand around him he groans again.

“Fuck, babe,” he breathes, holding on to the headrest with both hands now.

“Ssh,” you tell him, taking his cock out and licking your lips at the sight of him, “just enjoy the view.” Bending down you swirl your tongue over the tip before you take him into your mouth and start bobbing your head up down ever so slightly, only taking him in a little at a time simply to tease him a little. 

“Babe,” he pleads silently, his voice a little rough, one of his hands now on the back of your head. He doesn’t push down but just lets you know where he wants you as you take him a little deeper.

Your hands move up and down the base of his cock then, helping out where your mouth can’t, setting a pace that you know will get him there sooner rather than later because fuck, you need to get off too. You can feel him grow harder and harder and so you take him in just a little further, his tip now hitting the back of your throat.

“Babe,” he says again, but this time it’s a warning, letting you know that if you continue he’s gonna come and he won’t be able to return the favour. 

You shake your head ever so slightly, hoping he’ll understand that it doesn’t matter, and hollow your cheeks to prove your point. 

“Oh, fuck,” he pants then, this time pushing you down ever so slightly and can feel your eyes starting to water from being so full, but God, does it feel good. When he bucks his hips you know he’s close and so you try to relax your jaw even more, taking him even deeper, one of your hands now focusing solely on his balls and it’s then he’s on and over the edge, hot ropes of his cum shooting down your throat as he lets out a loud, “Fuck.”

You try to swallow as much as you can but it’s too much and so it gets a little sloppy but you doubt he’ll mind. When you feel him going soft in your mouth you pull back, running a hand over your mouth before you sit back up, grinning widely at him.

“God, your mouth- Fuckin’ gorgeous,” he groans as he grabs your chin and pulls you in for a kiss.

The idea that he’s tasting himself right now makes you grow even wetter and you know it’s time to chase your own high and so you pull back and tuck him back into his boxers, muttering a quiet, “Won’t be needing this for a while,” as you throw him a wink.

He looks at you curiously, no doubt remembering rule number four, and starts to say something but you simply shake your head to let him know it’s ok.

You turn around in your seat as much as possible then, pulling on the fabric of your dress so you can gather it around your hips before you slide your leg over one of his and push yourself over to his side, straddling his thigh. Even with his seat pushed all the way back there isn’t much room, but you think you can make it work and so you cup his face in your hands, the coil inside you tightening even further from the way he looks at you with his pupils blown, his tongue running over his lower lip in anticipation of what’s coming next. 

You keep looking at him as you slide yourself towards him over his thigh, biting your lip to stifle a moan because the friction his jeans create is just so good.

‘’Fuck,” he breathes as you slide back, his hands on your hips then, pushing you down harder as you ride his thigh in all earnest, capturing your mouth with his. He flexes his thigh just as he starts sucking on your tongue, his fingers digging into your hips even more.

A moan gets stuck in your throat somewhere and you can feel yourself getting closer with each passing second and so you put your hands on his shoulders for some leverage. Your tongue is battling his now, your breathing become more and more shallow and when you feel you’re almost there you have to pull back to catch your breath because you’re not only seeing stars but entire fuckin’ galaxies when your orgasm washes over you not much later. 

You let your head rest against his shoulder as you come down from your high, panting now, muttering a quiet, “Thanks for the ride, baby.” 

***

You keep stealing glances at him as he drives through the streets of Monaco, following the directions you keep giving him at steady intervals, a small smile playing on his lips when he passes his own apartment building before you tell him to take the next right and park in front of a lowrise building not much later. 

“Jesus.” He lets out a laugh and shakes his head, “We’re practically neighbours-”

“Yep,” you agree, turning towards him in your seat once more and grabbing his shirt so you can pull him in for a kiss that ends up a little more heated than you intended, but fuck it. The windows of his car already fogged up once tonight anyway. When you pull back you look at him with a sly smile, “Ready for round two, neighbour?” 

“Yes, ma’am.” he says with a mock salute. “Still need to pay those gorgeous boobs of yours some attention after all.”

[lucijade]

2019.

Never have I ever lived a year that I felt as though I needed to write about, but I guess there's a first for everything- right? On January first of 2019 I wouldn't have believed you if you told me I'd be where I am now. I was home visiting from college wishing I could tell my parents that I was too anxious to even go to my classes. But I didn’t want to let them down. They were so proud of me for going to college and ‘setting an example for my younger siblings’. So, I didn't. I continued to live that lie and I had accepted my fate. I was sleeping in my younger sisters bed because my room was non existent anymore (my siblings were betting on my old room before I even was accepted into college.) I desperately wanted someone to confide in seeing as I had no friends. And then I met Patrick. From that first swipe I knew something big was coming.

It was like an earthquake that happens before a volcano erupts, I didn't know if that was going to be the whole show or if I should stick around. And let me tell you, am I glad I stuck around. Our first date we broke into a park -the most exhilarating thing I've ever done. Patrick wanted me to see his favorite place but being the workaholic he was, he couldn't catch the park while it was open. Climbing over that fence, I had never felt more right doing something wrong. Normally my anxious self would have laughed at the idea of it but I wanted to look cool for this boy I just met who was so much cooler than me. We sat looking at the ducks as they swam around in the pond. Everytime I heard a noise I’d look all around because I was so sure cops were going to come and take us to jail because we were in a park after close, but I loved it.

The day after our first date, I had to go back to college. Patrick and I texted the entire ride, planning when we would see each other again. First week back to classes, I continued my streak of being too anxious to go to classes. This time instead of hating myself for my anxiety, I had someone to talk to. I spent all my days wishing I was with Patrick and not alone. Then, there was a Greyhound leaving my college town in an hour. I booked it.

I was terrified. Never had I ever taken a public transportation that wasn't a school bus. This feeling of adrenaline manifested in my veins as I downloaded both the Greyhound and Uber apps. I punched my cards’ information into the apps as I haphazardly packed my bag that was bursting at the seams. Greyhound ticket? Bought. Uber? Ordered. I had that same feeling of adrenaline that I had when we were breaking into the park. My moms voice echoed in my head telling me to not meet strangers online. At this moment I decided I’m not telling her, in fact I wasn't going to tell anyone. I know, I could have ended up dead and no one would have known, but I lived to see another day!

I got the notification that the Uber had arrived and I embarked on my journey. The Uber driver and I talked about how this was an unexpected trip and I explained to him how I never do things without a plan. He said to me “yanno, some of the best trips I’ve ever been on were unexpected.” The Greyhound station was scary, I was alone with a six hour ‘layover’. No one knew where I was going besides me and Patrick, I felt like I was on a secret mission. The entire Greyhound trip was not as bad as I made it up to be in my head, it was even (dare I say) pleasant. When I arrived to the town Patrick lived in, we went back to his apartment where he had my favorite things: Hot Cheetos, a green Monster energy drink, and a huge stuffed sloth. He cooked me dinner and we stayed awake all night talking. We did nothing but hang out that entire weekend. It was perfect.

That weekend was only the first of many weekends to come, I would not go to classes, talk to Patrick, then visit him on the weekends and repeat. After about a month of doing this, I decided I was going to drop out of college. I never really wanted to do college in the first place, I was always too scared to say what I wanted. I was scared of hurting other people's feelings, but I decided the debt wasn’t worth sparing someone else's feelings. A couple trips ago, Patrick had mentioned me moving in with him and I decided to take him up on his offer. I booked a one-way Greyhound and I threw my personal belongings in a bag. I decided I was going to surprise patrick. (great idea, I know) I got on the Greyhound knowing damn well I wasn't going to be back anytime soon. The whole time I texted patrick as if I were still in my dorm being miserable. Once I was off of the Greyhound, I ordered an Uber to Patrick's apartment. At this point he was catching on to my suspicious activity. I knock on his door at 9 o’clock at night. And then I just never left.

I was able to experience Patricks town through his lenses. He lived about a 30 minute drive away from where I grew up, so I had been here but I didn't know the ins and outs of the town. He showed me all these amazing food places, including this shawarma place right across the street that we admittedly ate too much of.

Eventually I had to get my horde of things from my dorm in my college town. The drive there is about four hours away from where Patrick lived. Seeing as we had no car, we were going to take a bus to my ex-college town and then U-Haul back down. We almost missed the bus there, we had to run a mile to catch the bus that was leaving in 5 minutes. We barely made the bus, and I was wheezing for a solid hour recuperating from the run. Once we arrived to my ex-college town we got Sonic, which was my guilty pleasure. After a couple corndogs and fries it was off to my old place of living. We quickly packaged all my things and took off. Before the long trek home, we stopped for gas. This is where I scraped and dented the entire side of the Uhaul, sending Patrick and I into a 40,000 dollar panic attack. Luckily, when we returned the U Haul, there were markings of previous damage in that very spot so we didn't end up with that charge. But, I was officially moved into Patricks apartment. It was now our home.

I've always been a self conscious gal when it came to my weight. I was always the heaviest set of all my friends but I always chalked it up to: my whole family was heavy set. Nevermind the bag of hot cheetos and my venti caramel frappuccino with extra caramel on the daily. Or if I was being healthy, a green Monster energy drink. (Yes the green part is important) In March of this year I decided I wasn't going to keep pitying myself, I was going to make a change. The way I looked and how awful I felt wasn’t going to change while I sat on my ass. I cut out all my sugary and snacky addictions right then and there. I started eating healthy and going to the gym. I was extremely serious and even more determined to prove myself wrong. I now occasionally allow myself some hot cheetos and even a coffee when we’re out sometimes. But I made the health decision that I never thought I’d be able to.

When summer time rolled around, I told my mom (keep in mind she thought I was in my college town this whole time) that I was going to move in with Patrick instead of moving home for the summer. She was weary but I didn’t really give her an option.I had to pretend like I was moving down here all over again, but I did it. I couldn't believe my lie has lasted and she still to this day doesn’t know that I was in this city for the first half of 2019. When August rolled around, my family was asking what my plans for the school were, seeing as I had no intention of going back to college. I told them that honestly I had no plans and that I was perfectly content with that. I have interests in many things including photography, videography, and traveling and I was determined to find something I could do in regard to one of those. Haven't gotten there yet but making progress.

This year has been the year of me making my own decisions. My whole life I’ve had long bleach blonde hair. Some time in 2017 I decided that I wanted short hair and bangs, so I told my mom this. As none of you know seeing as this is my first blog post, my mom is a hairdresser. A hairdresser who specialises in long blonde hair. While I was always thankful for getting my hair done for free (a treat some girls would die for) it wasn't fun not having the freedom with my hair that I desired. So, I bought some black box dye and booked a hairdresser appointment. Needless to say, I ended that day with a black bob with bangs. And I felt so cute and independent, not like the carbon copy my mom so wanted me to be.

Moving on with the timeline, Patricks lease was up. We didn't know if we wanted to move to Washington State or stay in this metropolitan city. We decided to stay in this town for now (leaving is a long term goal, just isn't in the cards right now). We moved to this two bedroom apartment which we desperately needed. We needed the space to go through our things and figured out what we had duplicates of and whatnot. Once that got all settled, I set my goals on minimalism, but that's a topic for another time.

I cut people out of my life that I had needed to for too long for my mental health. It was hard, but after doing it I no longer feel as though I carry the burden that was them.

I've grown into the kind of person I’ve always wanted to be this year, me 365 days ago wouldn't have believed you if you told me I was going to be where I am only a short year later. If I’ve learned one this year it is that if you want something, you need to do it. You can't wait for the opportunity to fall into your lap. You are the creator of your own future, so make it and make it sick.

-jay.

[umusicians]

UM Interview: DALLAS

Toronto based singer songwriter DALLAS has proven that taking a leap of faith pays off.

Returning to Toronto after studying musical theatre in New York, the Toronto native put her broadway career on hold to pursue a career in music. Working with producer ATOM throughout the past few years, DALLAS has been able to hone her skills and create an image that is entirely her own. Resulting in music rooted in Pop music with accents and influences from the Alternative and R&B genres.

Amandah Opoku sat down with DALLAS to talk about her new single “NIGHTMARE”, working with producer ATOM, reinventing her brand/sound and more!

Amandah Opoku: Dallas, thank you for doing this interview today! Before we kick off please tell our readers about yourself and one random fact people do not know about you DALLAS: Ouu I like this! I’ll start off by saying I’ve been singing and writing my own songs since I was six. I’m 22 now so it’s been some time haha. Growing up I listened to all different genres of music (mostly Pop, Pop-Punk, Rock and Alternative) which inspired me to sort of form my own sound, something unlike anything out there currently. A super random fact that not everyone knows about me is that I’m actually allergic to the cold. People think I’m lying but its scientific name is “cold urticaria.” Probably not the best allergy to have when living in Canada.

AO: You left New York where you were studying Musical Theatre to return to Toronto to pursue a career in music. When did you discover that creating and releasing music was what you felt you were meant to do? DALLAS: Don't get me wrong, I loved living in New York. I learned from some of the best in broadway and left with an immense amount of knowledge in that realm. When I came back for the summer of 2017, I started working with ATOM, my current manager/producer & just knew the energy felt proper. Being in the studio, writing my own music and singing my own songs is where my heart wanted to be. So I put my broadway career on hold and have been grinding as a solo artist since.

AO: You’ve been working with producer ATOM for the past few years, how have they helped you find and shape your sound? How did he help you find your voice as an artist? DALLAS: ATOM has played a huge role in my career thus far.  I genuinely can't imagine working with anyone else as closely as he and I do. We understand each other musically which is why the music continues to get better and better. We like to push the boundaries with all of my projects. At the beginning of 2019, ATOM and I decided I wouldn’t release any music and just take the year to build my catalogue and find my sound. I feel like a lot of managers and teammates in this industry wouldn’t normally allow something like this. It took a lot of patience and dedication but it really did allow me to find my voice and dabble in the world of production - what pleases my ear and what doesn’t. I trust him to always deliver something exceptional and he's never disappointed. I honestly don't think he could deliver something bad even if he tried. He cares so much about the music and that’s what I love about our dynamic the most.

AO: If you could describe your music in three words. What words would you choose and why? DALLAS: I’d describe my music as being powerful, deep and transcendent. My songs are my everything. ATOM and I will put hours and hours into building these final releases. We sometimes have had 10 different versions of one song because we both love to explore our options melodically, production wise and vocally. Songs can be approached in varying ways. I want all of my music to take you on a journey from start to finish. I love adding quirky & weird noises into the production of a song. I don’t want my music to ever sound mundane - I only want to keep levelling up.

AO: What do you want people to take away from your music? DALLAS: I want my music to open peoples minds - allow them to feel confidant and powerful. A lot of my unreleased songs are all about empowerment and just owning who you are and being a boss ass b*tch. I also really want people to take-in and appreciate the intricacy in the production within each song. The layers are truly never-ending. I get so pumped just thinking of all the music I have yet to share.

AO: If you had a chance to reinvent your image and sound, what genre of music would you choose? And how would you describe your new image? DALLAS: I feel like I already had that chance! Taking the year off in 2019 to just reinvent my brand and find a cohesive sound that includes all of my favourite genres is more than I could've asked for. Now, I’m mixing pop melodies with rock production and hard 808s. It’s great! The sound is always being reinvented, that’s what makes my music different.

AO: “Hooked on Your Love” was one of your first releases in 2017. How do you think you’ve grown as an artist since them? DALLAS: I still love that song you know. It’ll always hold a special place in my heart. I’ll actually go back every now and then and listen to how much I’ve grown even vocally. I think I’ve grown as a songwriter too since then. I talk about much deeper, more meaningful topics in my new music. The songs I’m making now are much more elevated in all aspects.

AO: As you continue to pursue a career in music, what have been some of the challenges you’ve faced? And how did you overcome then? DALLAS: As an independent artist, I would say one of the biggest challenges is meeting new people in the industry and having to decipher if I can trust them or not. I’m very particular with who I let in the room when I’m working & who I want as part of my team. I have a pretty good sense of judgment and a strong head on my shoulders, but it always stings a little when you find out someone you thought you could trust is really only in it for themselves. That’s why I keep my circle small.

AO: What is one piece of advice you received in your music career that has impacted you positively? DALLAS: The most impactful piece of advice I’ve gotten to date was actually what sparked the idea for me to take a year off and focus on finding my sound. Someone once told me “you can’t be every genre. You have to choose one and stick with it.” At the time, I was pretty affected by this and took it to heart. Looking back on that moment, I’m so grateful this person said that to me. It drove me to find cohesiveness between all genres and build a sound that’s only specific to me.

AO: This year you’ve released a number of singles, including “NIGHTMARE” which is your latest release. What was the writing and recording process like for “NIGHTMARE”? DALLAS: NIGHTMARE was one of the fastest songs I’ve ever written. We started off with a simple 4 chord progression and I just went off lyrically. I think what grasps the listeners the most is that powerful opening melody and how the production grows rhythmically to that hook. It’s a very fun and playful song, yet has so much anger and hurt in those lyrics. I wrote this over a year ago and it’s still one of my favourite songs.

AO: Did the writing and recording process for “NIGHTMARE” differ from any of your previous releases? If so, how? DALLAS: In contrast to some of my other songs (unreleased and released) NIGHTMARE might seem the most “simple” in terms of the production. In retrospect, we took almost that entire year and a half revisiting the song and changing parts in the production until we felt 100% about it. ATOM and I tend to do this often before a new release. We only want to put the best version of ourselves in every song.

AO: From the songs you’ve released to date, what song would you say really captures who you are as an artist? DALLAS: I would say NIGHTMARE or SUPERPOWERS hits closest to home. STRANGERS was one of my most vulnerable and honest songs about a moment in my life, but the other two really capture who I am as an artist/person in general.

AO: With “NIGHTMARE” out now, what can fans expect from you next? DALLAS: I’m already gearing up to release a new song, hopefully at the end of next month (December). Honestly, I just want to keep releasing more music, build that fan base and take over the world with my team!

AO: This year has been a year of adapting to change and our “new normal”. In the next 5 years what goals do you have set for yourself? DALLAS: I’m hoping that live shows come back soon, because I would love to start touring. In five years I really do see myself on the road with my band/team touring the world, my songs being #1 globally and building my brand even further into things like fashion and makeup etc. I have big plans for myself aha and I can’t wait to see them all unfold.  

AO: Dallas, thank you for sitting down with me! Before we close this interview is there anything you want to say to your fans and our readers? DALLAS: Thank you for having me! And to the readers - thank you for taking the time to read this in the first place and getting to know me and my music a bit better. Every follow, share and listen means the world to me so please feel free to connect with me on Instagram @dallasrodin - peace n blessings to you all!

Connect with DALLAS on the following websites: https://www.dallasrodin.com/ https://www.facebook.com/officialdallasrodin/ https://www.instagram.com/dallasrodin/ https://twitter.com/dallasrodin/ https://soundcloud.com/dallasrodin

[legendarynightmaresandwich]

My 17 Books of 2017

I swear to Glob, I’m gonna have to make this a monthly thing bc my dumb ass didn’t write down what I read every month so I sat for 30 mins straight thinking “what did I read this year?????” Then I kept confusing this year with 2016, relived the fact that I didn’t read a single book this Summer bc I had a stupid boyfriend instead, and that I won’t have any pictures of the books bc most of them were from the library and I’m lazy. 

2017. While I was still in school I exclusively read stuff for class and not pleasure. I still enjoyed the books I read, so I included them. After graduation, like I said, I acquired a dumb boyfriend, so instead of reading I wasted my life with him for three months. (Pro-Tip: Reading is always more satisfying than boys.) Moving back home, and working at a library, I read 11 books, a graphic novel, and almost half of a graphic novel series. (I’ll explain.)  It feels so good to read again! 

So the total for the year is 17. Not bad at all! So, here we go. 

Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neal Hurston 

Hooooo boy it was so good to read this book again. This book was first presented to me in high school, by a teacher I didn’t like, who treated everything we read like it was stupid. I guess that was her sense of humor. What I remember from high school is that everyone hated this book and especially hated the main character, Janie. The consensus was that Janie makes horrible decisions, relies on men too much, and is irresponsible. Talk about an anti-feminist reading. Reading the book again, being older and slightly wiser, I’ve realized that the book outlines the ways that society makes it almost impossible for a character like Janie (a woman of color, uneducated, and poor) to thrive. Her life is about survival, despite her missteps and trials she survives. My one problem with the book is that I wish Hurston explored Janie’s inner thoughts more. Other than that, this book is beautiful. 

Quote: “There is a basin in the mind where words float around on thought and thought on sound and sight. Then there is a depth of thought untouched by words, and deeper still a gulf of formless feelings untouched by thought.”

I love this quote bc instead of seeing Janie as a lost cause we should view her as untapped potential, she is so much deeper than the surface layer that I was unfortunately taught in high school. 

Native Son by Richard Wright

Here’s another book that was good to revisit in a sense. I didn’t read this in high school, but my sister’s grade and the grade before me did. And everyone hated it. Reading it in college, I am so glad that I didn’t read it in high school. Generations younger than me might be ready to read this book in high school, but my generation was not. (I am so glad that it seems like younger generations are more informed about inequality, feminism, etc.) For my grade and the kids older than me I think it was impossible for white kids, in a white high school, with white teachers, to fully understand this book. It is so EASY to read this book and view Bigger as a murderer. (It is important that he doesn’t kill on accident either. He smothers a woman, chops her up, and incinerates her.) And he is a murderer, but not exclusively. He is oppressed every way he turns, by his employers, the police, the media, his friends, his family, etc. And Bigger responds to the world’s anticipations. This book is fascinating to me in that Wright wanted to create an “Anti-Uncle Tom” character. Bigger is a bad person, and a criminal. But he also represents the inevitability of an oppressive society to fail its citizens and create monsters. 

Quote: “Men can starve from a lack of self-realization as much as they can from a lack of bread.”

Go Down, Moses by William Faulkner 

This book was HARD. Faulkner is impossible, especially when you have other classes to focus on. I survived by reading a Cliffs Notes synopsis of each chapter before and after reading it. But this book was worth the read. It’s a brief, but deep look into the practices of the antebellum South. I really liked the format of this book being a series of short stories. (But in Faulkner fashion he never tells the reader who is speaking and what time period we’re in.) 

Quote: “But you cant be alive forever, and you always wear out life long before you have exhausted the possibilities of living. And all that must be somewhere; all that could not have been invented and created just to be thrown away. And the earth is shallow; there is not a great deal of it before you come to the rock. And the earth don’t want to just keep things, hoard them; it wants to use them again.”

Counterlife by Philip Roth 

This book is extremely interesting. It’s broken into five parts and each part is an alternate version of the same awkward story. Henry has a serious heart condition. BUT the medicine that is keeping him alive makes him impotent. The only other option is to undergo an extremely dangerous surgery. In one version he dies of the surgery, in one he survives and moves to Israel, then in another his brother Nathan is impotent instead of him. The whole book is framed by Nathan who is an author. It shows how fiction can be unreliable, how authors twist the truth. We never know the “true” story. This is a structurally brilliant book, even though I’m not a huge fan of the characters. Their problems are worthy of eye-rolls. 

Quote: “And as he spoke, I was thinking, 'the kind of stories that people turn life into, the kind of lives people turn stories into.”

Attachments by Rainbow Rowell 

I read this book bc I read Fangirl and really enjoyed it. This book was just as cute and fun to read if you can get over the creepiness of the plot. Lincoln’s job is to read company emails to make sure everyone is following email policy. Emails get flagged for swearing, other code words, and anything that doesn’t seem like work to the computer system. Two women that work at the company chit-chat through email all day, not following the email rules. Lincoln reads their emails and falls in love with one of them. Like Sleepless in Seattle, the two don’t meet until the end. Again, if you can get over the lack of privacy in the plot, this book is enjoyable. I love Lincoln as a character. He’s a big, tall, lumber-jack type man who is really sweet. I also enjoyed how the book portrays working the night-shift. It’s a world I don’t think most people really know about. Lincoln is lonely and in a rut and these two hilarious women are the only bright spot in his life. 

This book is cute, and it was a good break from reading heavy stuff for class. 

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

I have always wanted to read this book. The cover is beautiful. (That shouldn’t matter...but it does.) It seems like the general consensus of this book is that it is life changing. This book will inspire you! This book will make you take the initiative to follow your dream! Snake oil. Maybe I’m cynical, but I HATED this book. It’s preachy, it’s chock full of cliches, and worst of all I cannot get over how sexist this book is. The boy character is allowed to have a dream and pursue it. But the girl’s dream is to STAY BEHIND AND WAIT FOR HIM TO COME HOME????? That’s her dream!?!? That sucks!!!!!!! That’s unacceptable to me. Every nice thought or potential mantra to be gleaned from this book is completely overshadowed by the mistreatment of the female characters. LAME. 

It by Stephen King

I read this book bc I wanted something really long to read at jury duty. This book is so long, but I honestly loved every second of it. I was borderline obsessed for two weeks of my life. I completely fell in love with the characters, my precious babies. I was always weirdly fascinated by the mini-series when I was little. I really liked getting to know the kids and then the adults. I was surprised that the book is not split half in half, but the adult scenes are mixed in with the childhood memories. I really enjoyed this book that my first reaction to seeing the new It movie was to be MAD at what they changed. That hasn’t happened in a while. (Harry Potter anyone?) I thought the tumblr love for Pennywise was funny to a certain extent, he’s pretty hilarious in the movie. But in the book...real life nightmares were had. Nothing in particular gave me a nightmare, just the overall vibe and tone of the book stressed me out and kept me awake. This book really transported me. When I was reading it, for better or for worse,  I was in the town of Derry. 

Quote: “Maybe there aren't any such things as good friends or bad friends - maybe there are just friends, people who stand by you when you're hurt and who help you feel not so lonely. Maybe they're always worth being scared for, and hoping for, and living for. Maybe worth dying for too, if that's what has to be. No good friends. No bad friends. Only people you want, need to be with; people who build their houses in your heart.”

Fair Play by Tove Jansson 

I love this book. Tove Jansson is the creator of Moomin and I only recently found out that she wrote a few books too. Fair Play was the only one my library had so I checked it out. And it was amazing. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 

The more I learn about Tove, the more obviously autobiographical her books seem. This book is a series of short stories about two women who live together and learn to work around and with each other in every way. Mari is sensitive where Jonna is gruff. They are both stubborn about different things and have a beautiful symbiotic relationship. In some reviews I’ve read of this book people go out of their way to make sure it’s known that Mari and Jonna’s “sisterhood” is strictly “platonic.” I roll my eyes, bc CLEARLY they are not. They are life partners and have a deep love for each other that goes beyond just being roommates. Plus, it’s pretty obvious that Mari, a writer, is Tove Jansson, and Jonna, an artist, is her life partner and graphic designer Tuulikki Pietila. 

But back to the book. It is an absolutely beautiful series of short stories. I wouldn’t even call them stories. They are more like little snippets of daily life. They are full of subtle emotion and are written in such a straight forward but artistic way. Simple prose carries deep meaning in this book. 

Quote:  “It is simply this: do not tire, never lose interest, never grow indifferent—lose your invaluable curiosity and you let yourself die. It's as simple as that.”

The Artist of Disappearance by Anita Desai

I originally read this book for a class (Landscape Architecture of India) and to be honest I skimmed through it and wrote a bullshit book report. When I saw it in the library I wanted to try it again. This book is just three short stories I can’t believe I didn’t find time to read it before. I didn’t really like the third story, about man living in the mountains, but the first two are great. The first is about a man trying to figure out how to insure a dusty mansion full of treasures. The second is about a woman translating a work of fiction, on the brink of madness as she becomes more of a creator than strictly a translator. These two are among the best short stories I’ve read. The writing is so beautiful. 

Quote: “Everything in the house turned damp; the blue fur of mildew crept furtively over any object left standing for the briefest length of time: shoes, bags, boxes, it consumed them all. The sheets on the bed were clammy when he got between them at night, and the darkness rang with the strident cacophony of the big tree crickets that had been waiting for this, their season.”

Murder in Mesopotamia by Agatha Christie 

I’ve been meaning to read some Agatha Christie for some time now. I read And Then There Were None in high school and absolutely hated it. I was interested in this one bc I know Christie went on many archaeological digs. So I thought this book would contain interesting historical elements about archaeology in the Middle East and ancient Mesopotamian culture. Not at all. Lapis lazuli is mentioned once, cylinder seals are briefly mentioned, everything else mentioned are just “tablet fragments” and “vases.” I was disappointed. I was also really disappointed by how BORING this book is. The mystery is slightly compelling, but nothing exciting really happens. This is a Poirot mystery, another reason I picked it, but he doesn’t show up until halfway through the book! The book is narrated by a nurse. She’s tough and straightforward. I really liked her at first, but throughout the book she is straight up racist. The Middle East is a “primitive” land to her. The natives speak in a “funny, sing-song” language. She is suspicious of the native men around the dig being thieves. She’s even prejudiced against Poirot, showing much disdain toward his accent. 

At least Poirot is nice. And he solves the stupid mystery. How does a woman drink a WHOLE GLASS of acid without noticing??? This book was dumb. I don’t think I’ll read Christie again. In this instance my high school self was right. 

Norse Mythology by Neil Gaiman

I was really excited to read this book, Neil Gaiman has yet to disappoint me. I love the way this book was written. I especially loved how in the introduction Gaiman outlines all the female Norse gods whose stories have unfortunately not survived. (Makes me want to write some Norse mythology fanfiction. Nerd alert.) I love these characters, the stories are so interesting. A very good read. 

Quote: “The Norse myths are the myths of a chilly place, with long, long winter nights and endless summer days, myths of a people who did not entirely trust or even like their gods, although they respected and feared them.”

Me Before You by Jojo Moyes

Jumped on the bandwagon with this one. This was a really popular book at the library so I checked it out. It’s cute. (Bridget Jones is better.) The book promised to make me cry, but I didn’t. I really liked the main character, Lou. She’s funny and just trying to figure out her life which I related to. A quick read, VERY predictable.

After You by Jojo Moyes

I liked the Louisa character from Me Before You, so I thought I would read the sequel. It was disappointing. Everything fun and admirable about Lou is lost. The story-line where Will’s conveniently long-lost teenage daughter shows up is stupid. The love interest is boring. Really, a terrible sequel. I’m sure there’s better fan fiction out there. 

The Whispering Muse by Sjon

This book is plain weird and not my favorite. Luckily, it’s short. I like the mythological/folkloric aspects of the story. My main issue is that the main character is so unlikable. He’s pompous, annoying, and rude. Not endearing in any way. The ending is very strange. 

Autumn by Karl Ove Knaussgard

I LOVED this one. The author is writing letters to his unborn daughter. They’re not really letters though, more like small essays on completely random topics: frogs, sunset, plastic bags, embarrassment. The author has a fascinating way of thinking, and the connection to his daughter made the book sweeter. This will be the first of three, I think a book will be published for each trimester? Not sure. But I can’t wait to read the rest. 

The Fables Series by Bill Cunningham 

Fables starts out great. Fairy Tale characters in NYC, trying to survive. The premise was intriguing and the first few volumes are awesome. It was everything I wanted Once Upon A Time to be. Where OUAT is over-dramatic and embarrassing, Fables is gritty and clever. It started falling apart for me about halfway through the series.I wound up only liking a few characters that the series kept straying away from. Sitting and reading a whole, long-winded story about Little Boy Blue, when Snow White and the Big Bad Wolf are so much more interesting, got tedious. To be honest, I just skimmed through the later issues. 

Origin by Dan Brown

Dan Brown’s worst book, in my opinion. I’ll have to read some of his others again to make sure this theory pans out, but the writing in this one is so condescending. It was really annoying. It’s as if Dan Brown thinks his audience is stupid. Instead of saying “Beethoven was playing on the radio” he’ll write “18th century composer, known for works such as this and that, emitted from the iHome music player that was invented in 2005.” Every little detail has some shitty explanation. He explains what Uber is, what William Blake’s most famous poem is, "Nicolaus Copernicus … the father of the heliocentric model — the belief that the planets revolve around the sun — which ignited a scientific revolution in the 1500s"; "Friedrich Nietzsche, the renowned 19th-century German philosopher and atheist"; and "Winston Churchill himself, the celebrated British statesman who, in addition to being a military hero, historian, orator, and Nobel Prize-winning author, was an artist of remarkable talent." WE KNOW. Or you could google it! 

Honestly, the writing made this book hard to read and not be insulted by. I did like the story. It’s interesting, very contrived but it’s Dan Brown. Contrived is his middle name. This book read like a shit mystery with sentences from wikipedia copied and pasted in. 

Quote: "'Robert,' Ambra whispered, 'just remember the wise words of Disney's Princess Elsa.' Langdon turned. 'I'm sorry?' Ambra smiled softly. 'Let it go.'" (The "it" in question is Langdon's cellphone.)

I can’t believe I had to read that with my own eyes. 

Annihilation by Jeff VanderMeer

My last read of 2017. I was intrigued by the movie trailer and the cover of the book is beautiful. This book will stick with me for a while. One review describes it perfectly. 

“It’s been a long time since a book filled me with this kind of palpable, wondrous, disquiet, a feeling that started on the first page and that I’m not sure I’ve yet shaken.” -Matt Bell

This book is beautifully disturbing. And the ending is perfect! It’s a trilogy, but I don’t know if I even want to read the other two yet. I think I have to let this one marinate for a while. 

A stunning read, a great way to end the year. 

Quote:  “I am walking forever on the path from the border to base camp. It is taking a long time, and I know it will take even longer to get back. There is no one with me. I am all by myself. The trees are not trees the birds are not birds and I am not me but just something that has been walking for a very long time…”

And there you have it! My year in books. Here’s to next year!   

[carry-on-my-wayward-shadowhunter]

A Favor Between Friends

For Gobblepot Summer 2017. This was so much fun to write! Tropes...tropes everywhere...you are warned ;-) A/N: Prompt from Bingo Card: Lawn Mower   Time passed in Gotham quickly, with the city that never seemed to sleep. Jim always thought that was Las Vegas, but he was pretty sure it was worse here. Six months had passed since everything with the Tetch virus. Jim and Harvey were working cases again as usual again, but Jim had become more and more distant. Harvey knew Jim carried his guilt like armor, and tried to alleviate it some whenever he could. “You done for the day, partner?” Harvey asked, as Jim gathered his stuff to leave. “Yeah. Shift actually ended an hour ago, but I lost track of time. Nygma has us running in circles,” Jim muttered. “See you tomorrow,” “Yeah,” Harvey said, with a sigh as he watched Jim leave with his shoulders slumped down. “See ya,” He didn’t know what else he could do but to let Jim be. He trudged back to his own office in a huff, snapping at anyone who even looked in his direction to get back to work.   Jim wandered around for a little while, not really wanting to go home to his apartment alone. Again. He had pulled the self-pitying, self-deprecating act for a while now, not being able to help it. He kept thinking over and over…he was a monster; No matter whether he was dosed with the virus or not. All under the umbrella of doing the right thing. He shook his head while he walked. Who the hell knows what the right thing is anymore? He thought. Somehow, Jim lost track of exactly where he was walking and ended up somewhere he never thought he would in a million years. The Iceberg Lounge. Its sign was a bright blue, and flashing right in front of his face. Loud, pulsing music could be heard even from outside, and there was a line halfway around the block, as per usual since it had opened a month ago. Oswald must be doing pretty well for himself, Jim thought. He and Oswald had come to a truce after Jim had killed Fish. Oswald had realized Jim had taken the virus, and even felt sorry for calling him a monster. It didn’t excuse it, as Oswald had said, but it had given reason for the man to not kill Jim on sight. Jim hadn’t ever thought about stepping foot inside the lounge, but…what the hell? Jim thought. What’s one more bad decision? He waited in line with the other patrons, and was let inside about a half hour later. Luckily, Jim was let inside before he could talk himself out of it, and immediately went to the bar to order a drink. There was a rock band performing a series of covers that night; Jim sat at the bar nursing his whiskey and tapping his foot to the music on the stool. The Iceberg wasn’t his scene, but Jim felt oddly comfortable there. No one here knew who he was, or if they did, they didn’t give a flying rat’s ass. That made Jim feel like he could finally breathe after a long day at the precinct where everybody talked in hushed tones behind his back, or looked at him with pity. “Jim! Long time no see,” a voice came up behind him, and Jim felt a hand on his shoulder. Oh, Christ. Jim thought. “Zsasz,” Jim muttered, and immediately flagged down the bartender. He knew he was going to need another drink. “Didn’t think you’d have the guts to come in here,” Victor grinned his maniacal grin at him, which made Jim clench his jaw. “Just wanted a drink,” Jim waved his glass a little when the bartender brought it over to him. “Boss will be sad by you not requesting to see him. He’s lonely. I can tell,” Victor sighed a put upon sigh, that Jim knew had to be sarcastic. “Ever since he thawed out lover boy, he never leaves his office. Never lets me have fun so I can catch the green wearing menace, either,” “I don’t want to know,” Jim said, in a gruff tone. “I am still a Detective, Zsasz,” Jim couldn’t help but feel the stab of something resembling jealousy when Zsasz called Nygma ‘lover boy’. He didn’t want to think too hard on that. “Yeah, but what’s a secret between friends?” Zsasz winked, and walked away and Jim shook his head. He tossed back the remaining of his drink, wondering what the hell just happened. -0- A few minutes, or it could have been a long while later, Jim was getting ready to leave when he saw him. Oswald was coming over to him, with a bitter look on his face. That’s never good, Jim thought. “Hello, old friend,” Oswald greeted, with a tight smile. “Enjoying yourself I hope?” “The band is great.” Jim had nothing else to say, and he was mentally kicking himself. How did Oswald Cobblepot make him so nervous? “Thank you. I auditioned them myself,” Oswald said proudly, sparing them a glance. “So, uh…I talked to Zsasz,” Oswald raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Oh?” “Just to say hi, apparently.” Jim responded. “He is strange, but he’s the best I’ve got. He wasn’t bothering you, I take it?” Oswald asked, shifting his cane to the other hand. “No, no. Just said you weren’t going to leave the office if I was waiting for you. Which I wasn’t. I know you’re busy and—“Jim cut himself off with a sigh. “I just ended up here, I swear. I had no intention to cause trouble.” “I know. I—I usually don’t, but I figured I would make the rounds at least once tonight since it is busy. Did you—need something?” Oswald was curious as to why Jim ‘ended up here’, as he put it. “No. Just got off from work, actually.” “Oh, alright. Well, have a pleasant evening, Jim.” Oswald nodded to him, and walked away. Jim hated how their relationship now had become so distant, but he guessed it had always been like that. When Harvey had found out about the exact reason why Oswald went ‘missing’, and told Jim the whole story…he couldn’t believe it. How Ed’s girlfriend who looked exactly like Kristen Kringle was a product of Indian Hill; how Oswald had fallen for Ed hook, line and sinker and had this woman killed before she could hurt Ed…it was all such a mess, and since Ed believed a completely different story, he had shot Oswald to let him bleed to death. It seemed that Oswald still had feelings for Nygma, however; Due to the fact that Ed was still alive and breathing, Jim thought. He watched Oswald head toward the other side of the bar, and shake hands with a few different people, all whom he probably despised, but played the dutiful host anyway. Before Jim could talk himself out of it, he flipped open his phone and sent a text. Are you busy tomorrow? –J He didn’t expect a reply for a few hours at least, as he left the bar and caught a cab home. As Jim readied himself for bed, he heard his phone buzz on the nightstand from a call coming through. It was Oswald. “Hello?” “What the hell did that mean? If you want information on Ed, I don’t have it. We aren’t really on the best of terms right now, if you catch my drift,” Oswald said on the other line. Jim immediately felt terrible. Oswald thought the only reason Jim asked that was for information. When in reality, he wanted to have lunch. “No, I know you two aren’t. Even if you were, between us, I would never ask that of you. You have been through enough with Ed, and quite frankly, I’ve put you through enough too.” Jim admitted, lying down on the bed. “Well there’s a sentence I never thought I would ever hear from you,” Oswald on his end was relaxing as well, or was trying to, from the comfort of his office. The club was closed, and the cleaning crew was just finishing up when he decided to check his phone. Oswald was furious that Jim had sent him that message at first, but in the end his curiosity gave way. “It can cover a whole myriad of things,” “I know.” Jim muttered,” Oswald began to say something when a knock came on his door. He rolled his eyes. “Can I call you back? One of my crack staff has had the thought to interrupt me while I’m working,” Jim chuckled at that. “Sure,” “I’ll just be a moment,” Oswald said, and hung up the phone. “Come in,” “Boss? I just got the call, and the guy who is scheduled to come to do the yard work tomorrow at the mansion is out sick.” The man informed him, a look of terror in his eyes. “Oh, for God’s sake…Well, it needs done, so I’ll find someone else in the morning. Why he waited until after one in the morning to call is beyond me,” Oswald said, in annoyance. “Thank you for informing me,” “No problem, boss,” And the man left without another word. Oswald sat back in his chair and thought about his problem at hand. His grass needed cut, and a bunch of other things around the yard needed done. He couldn’t exactly do it himself, because of his leg. Ivy had enough to do with her greenhouse alone, so he didn’t want to ask her. His father had kept the grounds immaculate, and Oswald did the same as one of the ways he paid homage to his memory. This couldn’t slide…he thought with a huff. Then, an idea struck him. “Oswald?” Jim answered, when his phone rang again. “Jim, yes. I was wondering…why you asked me if I was busy tomorrow,” Oswald asked, tapping his pen on the pad of notes he had in front of him. “I wanted to see if we could have lunch, or something. Just…friends catching up, I guess. Didn’t know if you’d go for it, considering…” Jim admitted. “You see, I am in quite a pickle tomorrow,” Oswald began. “A pickle?” Jim didn’t like where this was going, and debated on hanging up right that second. “Well, I employ all types of people. Chefs, maids, cleaning crew for the club, waitresses, etc. Now, I also employ yard maintenance over the summer months,” Oswald continued, and at Jim’s silence, he carried on. “The issue is, my employee has called out sick. The one who usually takes care of all of that, and I cannot seem to find another. I keep the place up to honor my father’s memory,” “You—you want me to do the work?” Jim asked, in disbelief. “If it’s not too much trouble. I would pay you, of course.” Oswald assured him. Jim debated back and forth for a few moments, but ultimately decided…what the hell? He had the day off tomorrow, so why not? “Sure. Then, maybe we could have lunch after?” “Of course, I would love to,” “So, what time should I be there?” Jim was already starting to regret his decision, considering how hot it had been lately. “Earlier the better, since it does get quite warm these days,” Oswald seemed to read his mind, and it made Jim chuckle. “I was just thinking that, and began to question my decision to help you,” “Doesn’t that always happen?” Oswald joked. He decided to end the call before Jim could back out. “See you in the morning, Jim,” “Yeah. See ya,” Jim said, and heard the other line go dead. Jim laughed once as he set his phone back on the nightstand and clicked the light off. He had to laugh because what even was his life anymore where he was going to Oswald’s mansion in the morning to mow his grass? He fell asleep with a smile on his lips for the first time in ages.   -0-   Jim had set his alarm for 6 am, so he could take advantage of the weather taking a break from the stifling heat. When driving up to the Van Dahl estate, Jim debated several times whether this was a bad idea, and to turn around to head back. In the end, he decided that it wouldn’t be in his best interest to do that, considering the truce he and Oswald had established. The conversation last night had been the most the two had said to each other in months. When Jim finally arrived, he exited the car and was surprised to find how clean and fresh the air was out here. It was light and airy, not close and suffocating like the air in the city sometimes was that threatened to choke the life out of him if he wasn’t too careful. Jim breathed in a sigh of relief with it. “Hello, who are you?” A man came up to ask him, startling Jim. “Jim Gordon,” Jim replied gruffly. “Ah, I see. You are here for grass, yes?” “Yes?” “Carlos. That’s me. I was instructed by Mr. Cobblepot to show you around back to where equipment is, so please follow me,” Carlos motioned for Jim to follow him. Jim set his mouth into a thin line. What was he expecting, for Oswald to show him around himself? Jim shook the thought away as he followed Carlos into the backyard. Jim’s mouth dropped open in shock. It was beautiful. Jim looked around to see many fountains, trickling away causing a soothing sound to Jim’s ears, many flowerbeds bright with pink and red roses, even a vegetable garden off to the one side. “I’m not sure about these,” Jim told Carlos honestly, pointing to the flowerbeds. “Hmm?” Carlos asked, turning around from the shed. “Oh, no no. Mr. Cobblepot does these himself. Oh, and with the help of his friend Ivy. She’s a beauty, that one,” “Ivy…Ivy Pepper?” Jim asked, raising an eyebrow. “Si,” Carlos nodded. “Here is the lawn mower. It’s a riding one, of course since the grounds are so large. Weed whacker over there with the hedge trimmer, gloves over there. Only thing that needs done with that is the front hedges need cut,” “Sounds good. Since the grass is still damp, I’ll just start with the front hedges,” Jim told him. Carlos smiled. “Good, Mr. Jim. Let me know if you need anything,” “Are you O—Mr. Cobblepot’s butler or something?” “No, no. I am head of security.” Carlos said, simply. Jim widened his eyes for just a moment, but righted himself quickly. Carlos nodded to him once, and walked back inside through a back door. Jim shook his head to clear it, and went inside the shed to pick up the hedge clippers. He hadn’t held one of these since before he went in the military, but it looked pretty standard. Nothing fancy, which Jim appreciated. He put on the gloves that he had shoved in his pocket when he got around to the front yard, and slipped his sunglasses on to shield his eyes from anything that might fly in them. Happened once when he was in high school, and that was enough, Jim thought. He slipped in the headphones that Harvey had lent him a while back that was attached to the only thing he kept from when he was with Barbara, his ipod. The music immediately flooded his ears, and he relaxed a little. Now, Jim remembered why he liked working with his hands so much. He yanked hard on the starter, and it came to life immediately. He set to work on the hedges, noticing they were really out of shape. Must be with all the rain, Jim thought. He hummed to himself as he worked.   Oswald didn’t usually wake up until late morning, considering his nights were rather late nowadays. However, he set his alarm for 8 am, wanting to make sure Jim had arrived. While he got dressed for the day, he sent for Carlos to meet him at the breakfast table. “Did you give him the instructions?” Oswald asked, taking a sip of his tea. “Yes, he finished with the hedges about a half hour ago. He insisted on weeding the front bed as well, which hasn’t been seen to.” Carlos told him. “Ah, well. Jim always liked to go above and beyond,” Oswald chuckled. “Pengy! Who is messing around in the yard?” He heard Ivy screech, and Oswald shut his eyes with the noise. “Screeching, Ivy. We talked about this,” “Sorry. But, who is that? He’s not touching the flowers!” Ivy sat at the table next to Oswald, and fixed him with a stare. “No, of course not. That’s our project together,” Oswald tried soothing her. Ivy was like the little sister he never had, and never knew he wanted. Ivy was so protective of her plants. “How is your latest project going?” “Oh, so awesome! You will never believe what this can do—“Ivy went off on a tangent, which is exactly what Oswald had been going for. Ivy was brought in some breakfast as well, continuing to talk through it. Her mind never tires for a moment, Oswald thought fondly.   About an hour or so later, Oswald wandered into the sunroom, next to Ivy’s greenhouse entrance and was debating on going to offer his assistance to her when he caught the sight of Jim on the lawn outside. His mouth went dry at what he saw; Jim was shirtless. “Oh, my,” Oswald breathed out. He knew he should quit staring, but he couldn’t help it. Jim was all hard muscle, glistening with sweat as he rode around in the hot midday sun on the mower. Oswald could get used to this sight. “What are we looking at?” He heard Ivy’s voice, and felt her walk up beside him. He couldn’t even respond before she saw his line of vision. “Oh, he’s a fox,” “Watch it, young lady!” Oswald scolded. Ivy might look older, but Oswald knew better. “Hey, a girl can look. You were looking,” Ivy threw back, poking him on the shoulder. “Much better than string bean. I mean, he was cute, sure…but look at his chest...” Oswald went red in the face. “Don’t you have work to do?” “Sor-ry,” Ivy drawled out in two syllables. “Just know it’s creepy to stare like that,” Then, her eyes widened and a grin split her face. Oswald didn’t like the look of it one bit. “What?” Oswald asked, in trepidation. “You should go bring him a cold drink. It’s so hot out there…I’m sure would appreciate it,” Ivy waggled her eyebrows and Oswald chuckled. “Ok, get those ideas out of your head, missy. Get back to what you were doing. Go on…shoo,” Oswald teased her. Ivy pecked a quick kiss to Oswald’s cheek, and skipped off to her greenhouse. He shook his head fondly at her back, but thought about what she said. He should bring Jim something to drink, right? He thought. He probably would appreciate it…he walked to the kitchen, and instructed Olga to get some of the lemonade she made yesterday together on a tray with some ice, and a towel. She raised her eyebrows at him at the towel comment, but didn’t say anything. When it was set up, Oswald motioned for her to follow him as he made his way out back to the patio, where Jim was. When he was sure Jim could see them, Oswald waved him over. “Just a sec!” Jim hollered over the noise of the mower, and rode it over to as close to the back patio as he could get. It had to be going on noon now, since the hedges took a while, and with the weeding he added in before he began on the lawn. Jim had to still weed whack by the fountains, and along the fence as well. He tried in vain to wipe some of the sweat off his forehead with his shirt he stuck in his back pocket, but his shirt was soaked. He walked up to where Oswald was standing. “I-I brought you some lemonade,” Oswald stammered out. He made sure his eyes stayed up on Jim’s face, and not on Jim’s bare chest. “Thank you.” Jim went over to the table to where Olga had sat down the tray and gulped down a full glass in one go. “That is good,” he told Olga. She nodded once and went back inside. Jim decided to sit down under the umbrella covered table for just a minute and take a breather. Oswald sat in the chair opposite him, and poured some lemonade for himself. “It got hot really quick,” “I tried to warn you,” Oswald said, chuckling. “I’m surprised you’re still out here, especially dressed like that,” Jim pointed to Oswald’s long sleeved shirt. “Used to it, I guess. Besides, you look cooled off a bit now,” Oswald joked, referencing to Jim’s shirtless state. “My shirt is soaked, and it was really uncomfortable. Plus, I thought I would be done by now, to be honest. I didn’t realize how big this place really was. I still have to weed whack after I’m finished with the lawn,” Jim explained, taking another drink. Oswald watched as he swallowed, Jim’s Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. His mouth went dry yet again, and he took a deep breath to steady his own thoughts. “I will pay you,” Oswald put in. Jim shook his head. “I insist,” Jim shook his head again. “This is not a favor! I must insist that I pay you for the work you’re doing!” “How about this. You can pay me with a few free drinks at your bar. Top shelf stuff. How’s that?” Jim suggested, smiling. “That’s not enough!” Oswald scoffed. He knew how extensive the work was, and how much he paid the other man that usually worked for him. A few free drinks was like tossing pennies in Jim’s direction, which was downright insulting. “It is to me. It’s fine.” Oswald rolled his eyes. He stood up to walk around the grounds a little under the ruse of inspecting, Jim following him. Truth was, he didn’t want to be away from Jim for a little while longer. They talked about the greenhouse that was coming along, thanks to Ivy and how Jim’s work was going for a few minutes, Jim and Oswald being comfortable in each other’s company. “Beautiful, isn’t it?” Oswald commented on the flowerbed with roses. “Ivy’s work?” Jim asked. “Of course. Nothing is going on, if that’s what you’re implying. She’s fifteen,” Oswald rose an eyebrow. “I know that, for God’s sake. I’m just happy that she has a safe place to stay,” Jim said. “You think she’s safe here?” Oswald asked, in disbelief. “I can tell you care about her from how you talked about her.” “She’s like a little sister. I will not let anything happen to her. She saved my life when…when I washed up in the river,” Oswald shook his head, ridding himself of the tight feeling in his chest. “That’s unbelievable.” Jim rose both of his eyebrows. “Not like I don’t believe she did, but its just—wow,” Oswald laughed, as they reached the mower. “Well, yes. I am still pretty wow about it, myself. I’ll let you get back to work. Let me know if you need anything,” Oswald began to turn to head back to the house. Jim stopped him with a touch to his wrist. When he turned around, Jim was grinning. “You want a ride?” “Excuse me? I can’t ride that!” Oswald exclaimed, pointing to the offending mower. Jim smirked. “You’re serious?” “As a heart attack, as Harvey would say,” Jim nodded. “It is a long walk back up there,” “I suppose it is.” Oswald sighed, and conceded. It would save his leg, he thought. “Where am I going to sit? There’s only one seat,” “Behind me. You’ll fit,” Jim told him. He climbed back up on the mower, before he could listen to the screaming part of his brain that asked just what the hell he thought he was doing. He helped Oswald climb up with a hand, and Oswald situated himself behind Jim, holding onto his shoulders. Jim put Oswald’s cane across his own laugh so it didn’t fall. “You better not let me fall,” Oswald growled. Jim laughed, and looked behind him over his shoulder. “Never.” Oswald felt a swoop in the pit of his stomach, to which he couldn’t put a name to. “Well good,” “Ready?” Jim asked, starting the mower again with a roar to life. “If you must, Detective. Ride on,” Oswald hollered over the noise, and he couldn’t help but chuckle. Feeling the hard muscle of Jim’s shoulders and being free to look down his back as he held onto him, made Oswald feel hot under his collar; and it wasn’t from the heat. He hadn’t felt this way about anyone since Ed. He didn’t even look in anyone’s direction like that, and he liked it that way. But, of course, Jim fucking Gordon had to bring that crashing to the ground because he took his damn shirt off, Oswald thought. When Oswald realized Jim wasn’t heading back to the house, he wrinkled his brow in confusion. “What are you doing? The house is that way!” He hollered over the noise. “Taking you for a ride!” Jim laughed. “Relax and roll up your sleeves. Don’t want you melting back there!” Oswald chuckled and took Jim’s advice and rolled his sleeves up of the jumper of this jumper to his elbows. “Where exactly are we going?” Oswald asked, holding onto Jim’s shoulders again. “Just once around the yard, then I’ll let you loose,” Jim joked. “Let me loose? What are you doing, holding me captive?” Oswald teased back. “As if I could,” “Oh, no…I am vicious when captured.” Oswald told Jim into his ear, making Jim shiver. Fuck, what am I doing? Jim screamed inside his head. Oswald felt the shiver, of course and scored one for himself in his head as a victory. “No, just figured you don’t get out enough these days. According to Zsasz you don’t,” Jim said, adjusting his sunglasses as they began to slip down his nose. They rode around for a few more minutes, before Jim took Oswald back. “Well, Zsasz is nosy and cares about me for some God forsaken reason. He says I need to get out more, but I don’t see the point,” Oswald told Jim once they reached the steps to the patio again. Jim hopped down first to help Oswald down. “I don’t either but Harvey keeps pressuring me to. It is good to have people who care,” “All it has gotten me in the past is heartbreak, Jim.” Oswald said sadly, shaking his head. “It doesn’t have to be that way,” Jim insisted, stepping closer to Oswald. Oswald sighed. “Yes it does. I can’t be hurt like that again.” Jim understood where he was coming from, but he hated to see Oswald so dejected for some reason. “After I’m done, would you like to have lunch? With me?” “You were serious about that?” Oswald asked, confused at the change in subject. “Well, yeah,” Jim said, shrugging. “If you’d like,” Oswald nodded, with a smile. “Let me finish up here, and I’ll see you in a bit,” Jim got back on the mower and went to start it up again. “Jim? I can have your shirt washed for you…if you’d like,” Oswald offered. “That would help, since I don’t think I want to eat shirtless,” Jim laughed, and pulled the shirt out of his back pocket. “I certainly wouldn’t mind,” Oswald’s eyes went wide as he realized what he said, and Jim’s face went a bit red. When Oswald looked back at him, Jim was smiling and shaking his head. He tossed Oswald the shirt, which the other man caught in his hand. “You have my favor now,” Jim teased, and started the mower and rode away. Oswald looked down to the shirt in his hands, and blushed even deeper. A favor, indeed.

[equivvitch]

Fassathon: A Summary (Part I)

So, this summer, in the year of Our Lord 2017, I decided to do something stupid and unnecessary, as I do, by watching every single theatrically-released movie Michael Fassbender has been in thus far. Every single one. I dubbed it the Fassathon and didn’t rest until I was finished. (I know a lot of his early career was in television and in television movies (trust me I know the only thing I have to type in my search bar is “im” and his IMDb page pops up automatically) and given more time I’ll probably watch some of those but for the sake of not having to watch like seven more movies I granted myself that leniency.)

All in all, I’d say it took about two months. In total I believe I watched 24 movies, having already watched five beforehand (the new X-Men trilogy, Shame, and Jane Eyre) for a grand total of 29 damn movies (full disclosure, one was a bonus which you’ll see eventually but whatever). Some of them were actually ones I needed/wanted to watch but a lot were….not.

In any case, for the sake of posterity and making myself feel better about being a dumbass, I decided to write up some kind of summary piece about it, so that’s what this is. It got fuckign long so it’s gonna be divided into three parts: two just reviewing the movies and one with some summary thoughts.

This is part one, but first, it wouldn’t be a post by me without eighty disclaimers so let’s get that out of the way first:

This is all subjective obviously. Keep in mind I had to watch all of these so a lot of times I tended to compare them more to themselves than films as a whole. I tried to see the big picture after the fact but when you have 28 films to watch you tend to get hyper-focused on the task at hand. Also I’m not a film critic. I’m just an asshole and a dumbass, a dumb asshole if you will. I am interested in film theory but that means about jack since I have no formal education in it.

It should also be noted that a) Fassbender’s performances in these movies were almost uniformly excellent. The man can carry a movie on his goddamn back and often does if required to do so. This was noted consistently to the point of it being funny in the reviews of each movie. b) A lot of these are British movies. They’re not Hollywood. Just…..pointing it out. And c) I’m 1000% attached to some of these films/franchises outside of this “challenge.” X-Men in particular and also Jane Eyre I’m invested in deeply so that might affect my ideas.

That out of the way, without further ado, some reviews, thoughts, and recommendations:

X-Men: First Class (Erik Lehnsherr)

Rating: 8/10

Quick Summary: At the height of the Cold War, Charles Xavier and Erik Lehnsherr meet under unlikely circumstances and form an even more unlikely bond. They end up with a common goal in defeating a ghost of Erik’s past, Sebastian Shaw, who is determined to cause nuclear war between the U.S. and Soviet Union in hopes of destroying all humans and making way for mutant rule. The two set out and put together a team of mutants to help combat him, but push their relationship in the process to an unfortunate breaking point.

Some Thoughts: I have watched First Class so many times you have no idea. Understand, I once did a full rewatch of this movie for the sole purpose of fact-checking a post that was talking about how many times Charles says “Erik” throughout the movie. I sat there and tallied them by rewatching the entire thing. I love this movie to pieces, so I really have no ability to objective over it. Because of that I do know its flaws pretty well, trust me. It has issues (coughs about the ridiculous awful romantic subplots), but I really do think it’s a strong film and an interesting start to this quasi-reboot. Ultimately it’s a movie about the relationship between Erik and Charles, so that is its strongest point. There are some big shoes to fill, considering Sirs Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellan had the roles first, but McAvoy and Fassbender do a great job with it. It was stated in interviews that McAvoy was cast first and then they made the guys going out for the role of Erik read with him to cast a chemistry instead of a person and it shows. It really is shot like a love story, especially when the B-plot is an explicit romance between Hank and Raven. In my opinion it’s a fun ride, watching everyone meet and use their powers, train together and learn together. The ending is not that happy and I always shake hands with movies that dare to do that, especially big films like this (see GotG 2). It can be silly and frustrating at times, but after Last Stand I feel like we could only go up. I know some people really don’t like this movie which? I guess I’d like to hear from someone who doesn’t to understand why. That being said, Armando deserved better. Fuck his nonsensical death.

Warnings: Montages? Also some violence. Not a ton but what’s there sticks in your head.

Recommend?: Yeah! If you like superhero movies this is a pretty solid one.

X-Men: Days of Future Past (Erik, but this time in the 70s, and with less turtlenecks and more scarves)

Rating: 9/10

Quick Summary: (This plot is so convoluted I’m going to have to be vague otherwise this could take years.) In an apocalyptic future these robots called Sentinels are murdering everyone, particularly mutants because at one point a guy named Dr. Trask got ahold of Mystique’s DNA and used it to make them indestructible. The always wonderful and patient Logan gets sent back to the past to try and stop this from happening. There he finds Charles in a terrible, drug-induced spiral having lost everything and has to attempt to get him out of it so he can help find Raven who’s gone rogue and wants to kill Trask for his experimentation on mutants. In the process they join up with Erik, courtesy of Peter/Quicksilver, which doesn’t go well, which no one could have ever seen coming. The whole thing comes to a head when Raven has to decide whether to become a murderer and risk an even darker future or let Trask walk free and go against what she believes in.

Some Thoughts: I remember so clearly sitting the theatre and seeing the first preview for this, turning to my family and joking about the really stupid title. Like “Days of Future Past? What kind of title is that?” It’s up there with Back to the Future in terms of dumb titles, but is somehow pretty much acknowledged as the best of the current three, alternate timeline movies?? In spite of its ridiculously convoluted plot, it’s a really solid film and has great character development for two of the big players, Charles and Raven. Wolverine acts as a familiar foundation and point of view for the story and grounds it as he often does. Charles has to learn to stop trying to control those around him and move on with his life despite past losses, and Raven has to make a pivotal choice for her character. The scene at the end where it’s flipping between the future and past and all the original cast and the new cast are fighting at the same time is really cool, and the character arcs are strong and satisfying. The only one who doesn’t change much is Erik, but arguably First Class was his platform for character development or, more accurately, regression. He doesn’t do anything that helpful (which is….true to form) but watching him lift an entire fucking baseball stadium, fly it through the air, and drop it on top of the White House is pretty rad. Also Quicksilver is incredible holy shit the way they do his scenes is iconic. Kind of confusing maybe, but it also retconned almost the entirety of the original timeline in a genius move to destroy Last Stand once and for all. It’s usually called the best for a reason.

Warnings: Wolverine gets stabbed by stuff and shot a lot but that’s par for the course

Recommend?: Yep! But you might want to have watched some of the other movies first. Watching it with no background would probably be….too much.

X-Men: Apocalypse (Still Erik/Polish(?) Lumberjack/Poster child for Man Pain™)

Rating: 5/10

Quick Summary: An ancient mutant named Apocalypse (or En Sabah Nur if we’re going to be technical) awakens in the midst of the 80s (because there must be a 10 year gap between each movie it’s a rule). He used to rule but now he doesn’t and he’s mad so now he wants to destroy the world or some shit and rebuild it in his image. He does this by getting together his four horsemen (get it) including Erik who is inexplicably in Poland with yet another family that gets fridged. The X-Men find this out and get together to take him down.

Some Thoughts: I can (and have) ranted about this movie for literal hours. I have some serious personal gripes with it and it annoys me to the point where I’ve blown it out of proportion so keep that in mind. That rating might be a bit low but this movie is mediocre at best. I guess the core of it is because the X-Men conflict is a lot more interesting when they’re up against some government entity or society as a whole rather than just some random villain, at least to me. This movie also does not have a strong foundation like the first two did, no solid grounding point. In XMFC it was Erik and Charles’s relationship, in DoFP it was Wolverine being the POV character, but in this we really have nothing. The stuff with the kids is probably the most interesting and I hope they do more of that in the upcoming sequel. It has a few good moments (Quicksilver’s scene and Erik dramatically throwing down giant steel beams in the shape of an “X” in front of Apocalypse as he switches sides to save Charles and co stick out in my mind) but it tends to drag otherwise. There are about twenty plots going on and it takes forever for them all to connect. The romantic subplot crap is a pain in the ass and dragging Moira back was particularly idiotic when you realize they once again gave her nothing to do in the final act except overlook Charles completely violating her personhood in the first movie by wiping her mind without consent so she can get back together with him. The shit with Erik’s Poland family is stupid even if it’s done well. Magneto of all fucking people does not need more man pain for god’s sake. Lawrence is so checked out she really might as well be a phone recording as Lindsay Ellis points out in her Loose Canon series on YouTube. The only one who really had any interesting development was Storm and I hope they keep on with her because she’s a really good character. There’s just not much there for me, or what is there isn’t of any value. I really hope the next one is better. (Probably a far-fetched hope but a girl can dream.)

Warnings: Lazy writing (and comic-book-movie-typical violence)

Recommend?: I mean you probably want to watch if you’re watching the series. It’s not the worst X-Men movie. I’m probably a little harsh on it. There are the Wolverine sequels. Still, if you’re not that invested, it’s probably not worth it.

Jane Eyre (Rochester)

Rating: 11/10 10/10

Quick Summary: Jane Eyre has lived a fairly unfortunate life, having been put under watch of her cruel aunt after her parents’ deaths and consequently sent to a boarding school that beats its pupils into submission, but remains strong in spite of this. She finds herself a new job as a governess at Thornfield Hall and soon meets its master, Edward Fairfax Rochester. The two begin to talk and form an interesting relationship in spite of their large age difference. Jane begins to fall for her employer, overlooking his rough exterior to the person underneath. Rochester reciprocates, but all is not well. Jane discovers her lover is hiding a dark secret and must decide whether to be true to her love for him or to herself.

Some Thoughts: I WOULD DIE FOR JANE EYRE TBH THE DAY NETFLIX TOOK IT OFF WAS A TRAVESTY. Really, though it’s such a good movie and very loyal to the book. It’s a period piece, but it’s very different from something like Pride and Prejudice, a lot because Jane is such an interesting character. I love her and Mia Wasikowska does a great job. Rochester is a bitch, but…..he’s a bitch with a good heart. Realistically he’s supposed to be kind of….not good looking? So casting Fassbender might have been counterproductive, but it does mean he has to compensate for his incredibly square jawline which can’t be hidden behind that shit sideburn beard with his acting, which he does very well. His charisma kind of helps to smooth over the fact that Rochester can be standoffish to viewers that aren’t prepared for him. He is no Mr. Darcy. The chemistry between the two is great and the story is really enthralling. The music is gorgeous and the ending is satisfying. Well-shot, well-paced, loyal to the original, just a great adaptation all together. It’s not a happy movie, but it has a happy ending. I really have nothing but good things to say about it. Please give it a chance if you’re even a bit interested.

Warnings: You might cry/a little blood

Recommend?: Yes!

Shame (Brandon)

Rating: 10/10

(Quick note: if you’re like “wow you sure aren’t harsh on these movies” listen this was back when I was actually choosing the ones I wanted to watch….so yeah….these are mostly good ones at first. There are definitely some bads on here….don’t you worry…)

Quick Summary: Without giving away everything: Brandon is a pretty normal man struggling with a sex addiction which he basically refuses to acknowledge at the beginning of the movie. His lifestyle is disrupted when his younger sister Sissy comes to stay at his apartment without asking him first. The rest of the film is about their complicated and mildly toxic relationship and Brandon dealing (and not dealing) with his addiction with mixed results.

Some Thoughts: This is one of those movies like Brokeback Mountain that just kind of….sticks on you. I felt that way about Silence of the Lambs too where you watch it and then you can’t really forget about it. Fassbender has worked with Steve McQueen who directed this film three times, this being the second, and they make a great pair. McQueen loves him some long takes and he does them well. His style of directing is unflinching to the point of it being uncomfortable which works well for the type of stories he likes to tell. It’s a very quiet movie, not much dialogue, but it really hits home. This really is one of Fassbender’s best of performances in my opinion. He can do a lot with just his expressions and it really shows here. The dynamic between him and Carey Mulligan who plays Sissy is really poignant. I probably could never do it justice with words alone. It’s difficult to watch, but worth it. It’s one of those movies where the protagonist doesn’t really grow, pointed out very blatantly here. True development hasn’t taken place, at least not yet. Whether or not you think it actually will after this is left up to how optimistic you are for the characters and the story.

Warnings: This is rated NC-17 for a reason. They do not shy away from anything and they do not cut you a break by easing into it. Translation: if you’re disinterested in becoming familiar with some very particular bits of Fassy’s anatomy I’d steer clear. Also strong warning for themes (and fairly graphic depictions) of self-harm.

Recommend?: I would never tell someone to watch this movie, but I would definitely advocate for it. Read the description (that a professional has written, not just mine fff), check the warnings, see if you’re up for it. This is one you need to choose to watch, not be forced to.

Macbeth (Macbeth)

Rating: 6/10

Quick Summary: Oh god, I still don’t remember the plot of this thing…. I swear I read it once but you’d be better off reading the Spark Notes or something. It’s based on the Shakespeare play (obviously) where this dude named Macbeth and his wife Lady Macbeth go around killing people to gain power because some weird ladies in the middle of a field told him he’d be king. Everyone fucking dies at the end per usual due to really ridiculous loopholes. A grand old time, as always, with Mr. ‘speare.

Some Thoughts: Listen pal I got food poisoning trying to watch this damn movie THE CURSE OF THE SCOTTISH PLAY IS REAL. But really, it’s kind of what you’d expect? All of this is coming from me, an idiot, who doesn’t remember the play super well and is shit at Shakespeare, so bear that in mind, but?? It stuck to the original pretty well. It’s played dead-ass straight, so know that right now. There is no humor in this movie ever; it’s completely serious. Also impossible to understand because it’s Shakespearean English in Scottish accents. You’d be better off with a background knowledge of the play I think. That said, the visuals in this movie are absolutely gorgeous holy shit. The ending fight scene is incredible. That alone made it worth the watch for me at least. Marion Cotillard who plays Lady Macbeth is amazing as well. What a great performance. It’s a solid film. You need to accept its no-nonsense attitude to get into it, but otherwise it’s fine.

Warnings: It gets pretty bloody, but not overly so.

Recommend?: Not really, unless you really like the play or have a good knowledge of it already. It’s beautiful, but a little too serious for the casual viewer. I assume that’s why its reviews are kind of mixed.

Prometheus (David)

Rating: 6.5/10

Quick Summary: Two scientists discover a series of ancient drawings, all of which are very similar despite appearing hundreds of years and thousands of miles apart. They believe this might be a clue as to how the human race came to be, a path to our creators. They set out on the Prometheus to investigate a planet they believe to be the origin of these so called “engineers.” Things go awry as one might expect when they find the planet is already inhabited, but not by any “engineers.” Moreover, several crewmembers have secret motivations of their own for coming along which doesn’t really turn out well for anyone.

Some Thoughts: I feel like a lot of people don’t like Prometheus because it’s a think-y movie. It’s not really an action-packed thriller like other movies in the Alien franchise. This was the first in the franchise I’d ever seen so I didn’t really go in with those kind of expectations which I think was to my benefit. If you go in looking for answers you’re probably going to not like it, but I just sort of went to have a good time and pretty much did. Noomi Rapace as Elizabeth Shaw is really great. I really enjoyed her as the main character. There are some really good actors in this movie and I think they do a good job. I loved Idris Elba’s character a lot for example. It’s a beautiful film as well. Fassbender plays David, the resident android of the ship. It was interesting to watch him play a robot because he is, to me, a very emotive actor and this had to be more restrained. I don’t remember the movie super well which probably speaks to it just being an average sort of film. It’s not great, but it’s not as bad as some people seemed to think it was. Just go along for the ride and it can be a good popcorn flick.

Warnings: There’s one really graphic surgery scene that was hard to watch, but otherwise it’s (compared to the other Alien film on this list) not too bad. It really is more introspective than bloody. Also, maybe obviously, there are aliens in this movie.

Recommend?: If you’re into sci-fi thought-pieces, sure. Just don’t go in expecting a masterpiece.

Alien: Covenant (Walter and David, yes both)

Rating: (completely subjective) 8/10

Quick Summary: A group of forgettable, idiot crewmembers who are all inexplicably married for no reason other than a desperate bid to get you to care about them in any way (you won’t. trust me. they’re so stupid you’ll probably rooting against them eventually) are piloting a ship called the Covenant with 2000-some passengers and a lot of embryos on a colonizing mission. Along the way they intercept a strange transmission coming from another habitable planet they hadn’t noticed before which is much closer and decide to investigate. Once there things take a turn for the worst. After several deaths and the completely avoidable destruction of their ship, they run into David who’s been living alone on the planet for ten years after the Prometheus crashed there. They soon learn that they would have been better off braving the planet and waiting for rescue alone.

Some Thoughts: Listen I went into this movie completely expecting it to be horrible. This really was the one that started it all, where I decided I’d watch all of them. I wasn’t going to watch it because it looked ridiculous, but then it was available to rent and I was curious. In all honesty, I really only went in to see with my own eyes how and why the actual hell Fassbender was playing two characters which at some point kiss, so that was part of it. Ultimately I ended up really liking it. Now mind you, this is not a good movie. It’s not. The cast is forgettable and stupid to the point where you just want them to die already and get it over with. The only person I even slightly cared about was Daniels, the main crewmember character you follow. People die without any pomp and the movie is riddled with clichés. That said, it is a lot more like what I expect an Alien movie usually is. There’s a lot more fighting of aliens and a lot more blood. So what’s with the rating? Really it’s completely subjective, but if you know me and watch this movie you’ll probably understand. Let’s just say I have a very specific type of character I tend to like and this movie delivers.

Fassbender carries this gotdamn movie on his back half the time and somehow pulls off the ridiculous scenario of him being the two different robots. The interactions between Walter and David really were some of the more interesting parts of the film for me, completely ridiculous as they are (“I’ll do the fingering”). If you can just suspend your disbelief and go with it I insist that it can be a good time. My favor of the movie really comes from my opinion of David and I think that’s what will make or break the movie for you. It was a ballsy choice of protagonist, and when you realize that I think the forgettable main crew is a little more justifiable. Big kudos for the ending as well, at least from me. It ended exactly the way I wanted it to, and I ended up being invested in who I needed to be invested in. It’s a stupid movie, but I do think you can have fun watching it if you’re in it for the right stuff (namely the fassbots).

(Also, people are not happy about the fuck-million more Alien movies in the works but hear me out…. I have a great pitch idea….what if with every new movie we just double the number of Fassbenders…… so there’s four and then eight and then sixteen all the way until we just have infinite Fassbenders….. listen this is a great plan Mr. Scott please hire me as script consultant from now on)

Warnings: This is a lot more of a horror movie than Prometheus. It’s bloody and violent, and yes there are more aliens. Also it is really stupid. Also warnings for that sweet, sweet ‘bot-on-‘bot action ;)

Recommend?: I mean….not really. Again my opinion is so subjective here that it’s worth a grain of salt. If you do, you need to watch Prometheus first because you need to form an opinion of David.

Hunger (Bobby Sands)

Rating: 5/10

Quick Summary: Without me sitting here for like a half hour looking up a lot of proper names and dates (which I’ve already done once when I was watching the damn thing), this a movie about a hunger strike led by a man named Bobby Sands. It takes place in a prison in Northern Ireland. A group of people called the Republicans who are fighting against being part of Britain and want one united Ireland are being arrested for political acts and are protesting in any way they can. This begins with bathing and clothing strikes, and eventually leads to a hunger strike when this accomplishes nothing.

Some Thoughts: So this is a critically-acclaimed movie and I know people really like it. I guess I can see why but compared to McQueen’s other films I didn’t think it was super impressive. It’s his first project with Fassbender and in a lot of ways it feels like an early-career film. It has a lot of pacing issues. I read reviews saying it’s two movies in one and it really is. As an American (and therefore a dumbass when it comes to conflicts in other countries because our history classes here are Shit) it was sort of a confusing movie to watch just because I didn’t really have any background knowledge about what was happening. I was doing a lot of googling throughout to catch myself up with the conflict and acronyms etc. It’d definitely strike more of a chord with someone who knew about it beforehand. It is a prison movie and it’s difficult to watch because of that. There’s a lot of mistreatment of prisoners and just kind of gross stuff in general. I was whining at one point about the hunger strike not starting until like…20 minutes before the movie ends but I see now why it didn’t because you’re basically just watching Fassbender starve to death from that point on and it’s Not Fun. There are impressive parts of it. There’s a long take of a conversation between Bobby and a priest where he explains his idea of starting a hunger strikes that is, I shit you know, seventeen fucking minutes long. It’s crazy. There are other long takes in the film but they’re not always used super effectively. This can cause the movie to drag at times. The use of sound in the movie is also really amazing. It’s very quiet usually, but picks its loud moments and picks them well. Overall I didn’t get much out of watching it, but that’s just me. I didn’t think it was worth the difficult watch.

Warnings: It’s unrated but I bet it would be R or even NC-17 if it was. Lots of disturbing shots of violence against prisoners and behaviors of the prisoners themselves tbh. There’s nudity as well, but it’s used as humiliation mostly. As usual, McQueen’s style of filmmaking is unflinching and watching someone starve to death isn’t fun.

Recommend?: Not really. McQueen has better films you could watch. Unless you’re personally interested in the conflict at hand, I’d skip it.

Frank (Frank)

Rating: 10/10

Quick Summary: An untalented aspiring musician named Jon suddenly stumbles across the opportunity of a lifetime to play in actual band when they find themselves out a keyboard player the day before a performance. Jon lends them a hand and is accepted into the group in spite of some friction with most of the members. They invite him back on what ends up being year-long trip into the woods to write a new album. While living with the band, the Soronprfbs, Jon gets to know the members better, as well as their many quirks. Notably, there is Don, the manager who seems level-headed if somewhat depressed, Clara, who doesn’t take Jon’s being there very well, and Frank, the apparent leader of the band. Jon takes a special interest in Frank who appears to be the heart and soul of the group. In spite of wearing a giant fake head at all times, he’s very friendly, encouraging, and strangely inspiring. As they work to write their album, Jon begins to record and post their progress on social media, gaining them a new following of people amused by their bizarre antics. This new popularity ends up landing them a bigger gig than they’ve ever had before, but comes at the cost of risking the band’s identity and solidarity.

Some Thoughts: Frank is an amazing movie. If someone wasn’t interested in Jane Eyre but wanted a Fassbender rec, I would 100% give this one. I love this movie to pieces and I’m so glad I watched it because I was initially on the fence with it. In fact, I liked it so much I watched it twice within my rental period, and have now purchased it. If you’re looking for something close to a comedy on this list, this is it. I kind of describe it as if Wes Anderson directed Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, threw in a strong lesson about mental illness, and bumped up the rating a bit. This movie is hilarious and wonderful and poignant. The message is a really good one and one I don’t think we hear a lot. It’s a good commentary on the relationship between art and mental illness, and it’s done respectfully for the most part. Fassbender as Frank is kind of incredible. You don’t see his face for the majority of the film, but he still gives an amazing performance. I think it shows how talented he is as an actor that he pulls this part off so well. You’re intrigued as much as Jon is by him, or at least I was. The humor is a little out there and some of the themes may be off-putting, but I really do think this is one to see. Maggie Gyllenhaal as Clara is fantastic as well. It’s a difficult part but she pulls it off so wonderfully. Domhnall Gleeson as Jon gives a decent grounding point of view character as well. It’s funny and touching and goddammit maybe someday I’ll watch one of these movies without crying but that ending hit me right in the heart.

Warnings: Themes of self-harm and mental illness are present. They’re not played as a joke, but they’re there.

Recommend?: Yes please watch this movie I beg of you it deserves all the praise

Fish Tank (Connor)

Rating: 5/10

Quick Summary: The movie is a coming-of-age story of sorts for the protagonist Mia. Mia has a difficult home life with a neglectful and often abusive mother as well as a penchant for causing trouble. Having been kicked out of school she is directionless which only furthers her spiral downward. Her only true passion is dancing, but she prefers to do this privately. One day she meets her mother’s latest fling, Connor. Unlike the others, however, Connor seems there to stay. Mia begins to interact with Connor and the two form a relationship. Connor is kind to both her and her younger sister, treating them with respect and parental affection they do not receive otherwise. Connor encourages Mia’s hobby and leads her to begin searching for a career in dancing, helping to turn her life around. Things take a turn when Mia and Connor overstep a boundary in their relationship and this leads to Mia discovering that Connor was not what she thought he was.

Some Thoughts: I’m very…ambivalent about this movie, so I don’t probably have a lot interesting to say about it. It seems to me that Fish Tank is a part of a very particular genre of movie about a specific part of the British lower class, making it difficult to relate to for someone who hasn’t experienced that way of life. I watched another movie called Beautiful Thing a long time ago that was part of this genre as well, and that’s what Fish Tank reminded me of more than anything else. It seems to be characterized by poor, crowded living conditions and abusive family dynamics more than anything else. The characters struggle to get by and are generally mean-spirited to everyone they encounter automatically. It can make for a bitter watching experience, even if it is realistic. Mia is a somewhat believable teenager. Since this is a British movie about hip-hop dancing however and the actress playing Mia has…little to no actual dancing skill, any parts of the movie that have to do with this dancing can be embarrassing to watch. You really have to accept that it’s stupid and move past it to watch the thing.

The relationship between Mia and Connor is…troubling which I’m sure it’s supposed to be but it’s never resolved. Some of the scenes in the movie are disturbing as some in Hunger. One of my biggest issues with the movie was there really seemed to be a conversation missing. The end of the film felt like it was lacking a crucial interaction between the two and it made the ending fall pretty flat, at least for me. I know people like this movie and it’s award-winning but I couldn’t relate to it in any meaningful way. It left me feeling conflicted more than anything else. I have no strong or final opinion on this movie. I do respect that it had a female director, but I feel as though I very clearly wasn’t its intended audience, so its impact on me was minor at best and non-existent at worst. There are some nice cheesecake shots in it of Fassbender I guess. I think it still wins for best ass shot afdjks;lj

Warnings: Some disturbing character behavior, especially from Mia. Abusive family dynamics and physical child abuse are also present. Also statutory r*pe. Also some really embarrassing excuses for hip-hop dancing and general cultural appropriation shit that comes from a British movie about hip-hop.

Recommend?: You can try it, but I wouldn’t advocate for it. There are better artsy films to watch unless you’re actually in the target demographic and think you might like this sort of movie.

Inglourious Basterds (Lt. Archie Hicox)

Rating: 7/10

Quick Summary: When she was young, Shosanna’s family was murdered by Nazis hunting down Jewish families who had escaped to France. Now, as a young woman, she finds herself with the opportunity to get revenge. Meanwhile, Lt. Aldo Raine has formed a group of rogue Nazi-hunters called the Basterds, infamous throughout Germany for their lack of restraint and ability to avoid capture. His team is hired by the Allies to help with a plot to hopefully take out all the big political figures in the Nazi party, including Hitler himself, in one fell swoop. It just so happens these two plans are meant to take place in the same place, on the same night.

Some Thoughts: This is the first Tarantino movie I’ve ever seen and I do think it was good for me to at least see one. I was glad to see the movie itself too, actually. It was one on here I just needed to watch outside of this thing. I enjoyed it for all it reveled (as expected) in gore occasionally. I really loved Shosanna. Mélanie Laurent did an excellent job with her and she was easily the best part of the film for me, though I did enjoy Brad Pitt’s shenanigans as Aldo. Fassbender has kind of a bit part in this one which was a little different, since he tends to steal the spotlight otherwise. It really wasn’t my favorite performance of his. It was a little unfocused, though that might be because his character is just a plot device. Kind of a shame but in true X-Men fashion all he did was show-up, fuck things up, and then make his exit. Ah well. It’s well-shot and a good time, if a little long. The blood was there, but not excessive. Maybe a good choice if you, like me, wanted to see one of these movies, but were a little nervous about the violence.

Warnings: Typical Tarantino violence, I presume. Really, it’s just a few focused shots of it, but there is scalping in this movie, as well as some mutilation and gunshot wounds. I whipped my hand up to cover the screen more the once throughout and I’m pretty decent with blood.

Recommend?: Sure. It’s a pretty solid film and last time I checked it’s free on Netflix.

Centurion (Quintus Dias)

Rating: 6.5/10

Quick Summary: In the something-or-other A.D. the Romans are up somewhere near Britain trying to expand the empire, as one does, but are having trouble with the native peoples of those lands called the Picts. The Picts keep decimating their armies, as they do with Quintus Dias’s men. The Picts take him in rather than killing him because he speaks their language, allowing him to escape and meet up with another regiment. Together, they try again to attack the Picts and again are defeated handily. This time the Picts take their general of sorts. Dias and a small group of men are the only ones to survive and attempt to rescue him, but ultimately fail. Afterwards they begin their attempt to escape to safety, all the while being hunted by the Picts.

Some Thoughts: So I fully expected to hate this movie. When I saw this was the other one on Netflix I was Not Happy, but? It kind of surprised me. I think really it did a couple small things well and that turned my favor of it. It really isn’t that great of a movie, with a lot of narration and not a ton to say, but it’s certainly not offensive. It turned into a survival movie rather than a war movie which I greatly preferred. They also weren’t super over the top with the romantic subplot which was….SHOCKING. Usually, in my experience with the Fassathon, if there can be a sex scene there Will Be A Sex Scene, but not here. They meet a cool witch lady along the way who takes to Quintus, but never is it obnoxious, nor does it waste time with it. It was a breath of fresh air tbh…. I’m probably patting this movie on the back for little things too much, but I really do think it could have been a lot worse. It’s fine. I don’t really know who the target audience was supposed to be but it might be good for a night when you’re bored and can’t think of anything else to watch. You get to watch Fassbender run valiantly and stupidly shirtless through the snow if nothing else.

Warnings: It can get bloody, but not overly so. Also mentions of past sexual assault, but nothing shown.

Recommend?: Eh…like I said. Maybe for the night you’re flipping around and there’s nothing on. Decent popcorn flick, probably not worth spending money on.

Trespass Against Us (Chad Cutler)

Rating: 3/10

Quick Summary: Nothing I could write will make this movie’s plot make any damn sense but I’ll try anyway. Basically there’s this family called the Cutlers who are….Irish tent-people and also a weird kind of mob family with a patriarch named Colby. They live in this little trailer park circle and commit crimes to get by. The plot basically revolves around Fassbender’s character Chad Cutler trying to get out from under Colby’s thumb in order to give his wife and two children a better life. Unfortunately, it seems again and again that he’s already dug his grave and there’s nothing to do but lie in it.

Some Thoughts: So this is a weird movie. The whole conceit is weird and another one that you just kind of have to go with to be able to watch it. Its problem is that it doesn’t really have an arc or a narrative that goes anywhere. If it really had wanted to do something it would have needed to allow Chad to make any progress in his attempts to get away. The dialogue is full of slang and really difficult to understand at times. The whole dynamic of the family is sort of confusing and it’s never explained, just thrust upon you immediately. There are some good interactions, notably between Colby and Chad. The parental relationship between Chad and his son is interesting too, but it really just doesn’t go anywhere with itself. I got a little caught up in the emotionality of it watching it, but looking back I can see how flawed it is. I really don’t see what the director was getting at. Also the religious overtones are strange and didn’t do a whole lot. Just kind of unimpressive if still nice to look at sometimes.

Warnings: Animal death. A lot, actually, and often purposeful. Disturbing behavior, especially one scene where a man is stripped and humiliated. It was surprising and difficult to watch.

Recommend?: Hard pass. Skip it.

300 (Stelios)

Rating: 4/10

Quick Summary: Gerard Butler leads a group of 300 dudes against a gigantic, vaguely racist depiction of the Persian army.

Some Thoughts: I have nothing original to say about this movie, I’m sure. I was……not super happy to find it on here honestly, so I did my best to just enjoy it by making fun of it. Most people know what 300 is like. It’s got some interesting visuals, but it’s definitely one that looks pretty and does as little as possible. Mostly it’s a male power fantasy interwoven with quite a bit of racism, particularly in the portrayal of the Persians. It’s saturated with slow-mo shots and rousing speeches that aren’t really that important to anything. It’s a good one to watch on a bad movie night probably if you don’t mind some of the gore. This was Fassbender’s first theatrical appearance if I’m correct and he’s fine. I guess one plus-side of this movie is that everyone’s practically naked the whole time and super buff so that can be fun to ogle if nothing else. It is what it is.

Warnings: Body horror, lots of blood, and war stuff. Tiddies? Racism? Scottish yelling?

Recommend?: It’s your life buddy. It’s probably one to see once so you can rag on it in good conscience.

Steve Jobs (Steve Jobs)

Rating: 9/10

Quick Summary: A movie shot in three parts showing a dramatized version of the events before the release of three of Jobs’s products, focusing in on his relationship with his coworkers as well as past lover and daughter.

Some Thoughts: This is an excellent movie. It’s another one I’d readily recommend to anyone. The scale of the script is unheard of, meaning it’s super dialogue-heavy but you don’t notice at all. It’s completely absorbing. The performances are top-notch all around. This is another one of Fassbender’s best performances. He sinks into the role completely and does a phenomenal job. Kate Winslet is equally wonderful and balances Fassbender’s Jobs well. I really knew nothing about Jobs before watching this movie and I don’t know how much is true and how much is dramatized but I think that shows that even someone who knows nothing can enjoy it and find it interesting. The politics of it all were particularly wild to bear witness to. It’s a great character piece and it deserved the nominations it got in my opinion. I really liked Jobs’s relationship with his daughter as well. I don’t know how they managed to make a movie full of mostly talking so exciting but they did. I also think they did a great job of not idolizing Jobs at all, nor vilifying him. They walked a fine line and wrote him so he seemed truly human rather than a historical figure. That’s hard to do but they nailed it. Once again, I have little bad to say. If you’re not interested in Jane Eyre, Shame, or Frank here’s another good option for you.

Warnings: The IMDb parental advisory page said something about there being some sex/intimacy stuff but I never saw anything which makes me Highly Suspicious

Recommend?: Yes! Give it a chance!

(cont. in pt. 2 / pt. 3)

[tmblogs]

March 11, 2017

I was uncontrollably happy today. I didn't sleep the night before, and handed in a crappy paper. This was due to the fact instead of doing the paper I listened to Anna's playlist for me, mine for her, and then the districts on repeat. I then wasted a couple hours on tumblr thinking about Anna. So yeah didn't get any of that shit done. The discussion in boogaard was better than usual as it was less factual, and more oppinion oriented. So despite me dying from exhaustion it was enjoyable. Ms. Wes was out so I just worked on the peer leader essays I was supposed to write the night before in c8. I really hope I get to be a peer leader, because freshman orientation was such a positive experience for me, and I just want to create that for people. Sohn was fine I worked on my essay more. Study hall came around and I sat with sean, and jennie which was a wierd group, but it was fine they played cards I did math homework. Anna stopped by, which was great, but my tiredness coupled with me not being prepared to see her made me just totally blank. I was trying to get my face to emote, but i was really fucking tired so i was a little wierd, but it was fun to see her. In lunch I went down the cafeteria, which is a rare occurence, and watched the flash mob, and it was so fucking akward, and cringy, but people clapped, and I died inside. Math I again just listened to anna's playlist. The same in gym but I also wrote my essay a bit, and worked out a bit. Clare is still fucking sick and it was snowing so i couldnt walk on the track so it was pretty boring. In english, ugh idfk man like I need to get in missing work and actually start doing shit because I am going to fail. I just need to get it together, but there is just a lot happening between the show, anna, and japanese like it's a little overwhelming dividing my time accordingly, but thankfully two of those things will be over in a week. Then in study hall my mom rushed to the school to sign the peer leader papers, because I was so fucking tired in the morning I totally forgot. After school I ran into anna, and we walked home, but I noticed jason wasnt there, and I was confused because she always walks with jason. So i started thinking she purposely left jason because of what I had said yesterday. Apparently she just forgot, but im still not sure because maybe she did remember like as we were leaving the school, and just decided not to say anything, because she didnt know how I would feel, but idk, I wish i knew what she was thinking at all moments of the day, but sadly that is not a thing I can do. The walk home was pleasant it took everything out of me to hide how fucking tired I was I mean I was dying but i tried to act energetic and like my brain was half working, but it was hard. Then it was wierd because I really wanted to keep walking with her so I just kept going, and missed all my turns, and then I askes myself how far are you going to walk with her? All the way to her house to the next stop, and then I was like she probably is thinking like hey wasnt that your turn and that I was wierd for just following her home, so then I decided to turn off, but i instsntly regreted that decision, and wished I had just kept going for a little longer, but like how much I had to leave at some point. Got home ate some food, a burrito, talked about plans for my birthday, I said I didnt want anything, because if they spend lots of money on me then they wont be as willing to let me spend lots of money, and i still need money but Ill probably get enough by this weekend, and then talk about it with my parents. Lol idk how they are gonna feel about the whole situation, but whatever. Slept for an hour and thirty, and was late to stage crew by thirty minutes. But goddamn was the show good. Just being there surrounded by people you love, and who love you, and just everything coming together to make something so beautiful it just made me so fucking happy, and I did that thing witb my hands where I shake then uncontrollably if im feeling mass amounts of joy and excitement, i mean that's how you nnow im really fucking happy. Anna went and picked up isabel, who is still mysterious and intimidating in my mind. Like holey fuck are people hype about her idk what to exoect if I ever actually meet her. OH MY GOD AND CASSIDY CAME, and it was so beautiful to see her again, and it felt like last year all over again, and I miss her sooooo much, and ugh it was great to see her if only briefly. If only gillian had come it would have been the og group me, gillian, cassidy, maura, and jimmy man, and sometimes alexis. Apparently gillian is being a real bitch though lately so. Ah man so many good times driving around for hours with them kind of sad that is all over. I remember one time we were out till like three am, and I was gillian and cassidy were piled atop me josh and jimmy, and alexis was in the front with maura, and awe man I miss that so much, but that's all over now and I accept that. Today it was maura and grace in the front me josh and leah in the back, and me and leah have become a lot more friendly I wonder if she still has grudge about what happened over the summer, and then ethan and amy in the back. Amy is wierd because I know she is a fake ass bitch, but also she is so fucking nice to me so like what am I supposed to do be mean to her? Like i cant be mean to someone if they dont first do some shit to me right, but idk the whole time we were together there was a thing in the back of mind saying like she hurt anna, and you shouldnt be nice to her, but like i didnt know what to do so i justed treated her like I always have. It was wierd to because I actually havent had a time were we hung out and it wasnt akward in like months so it was wierd going bsck to that. Of course josh brought vodka mixed with gatorsde, and we passed it around at ponzios, so first time I have drunk like sociably, didnt get drunk though only had a little bit. Then we gave liz the $1000 we raised for her and her family, she is a waitress at ponzios, I almost cried, amy and maura were crying, but i kept myself from doing so. Then on the ride back josh also decided to bring his vape pen so I tried that out for the first time to, and it was cool, tasted like strawberries so we all passed that around. At this point the car was filled with smoke, snd there were like seven or 8 people piled in, and of course we stop right behind a fucking police car for a good solid 2 mjnutes, so everyone fucking ducked in the trunk and like sat up straigjt and shit but nothing happened as always i was the first to be let out, which kind of bugged me but it was whatever, and yeah now im here and it is 12:48 am. So yeah

[theanimewarren]

Top 25 Anime Series - 2017 Edition

Oh man, I can't believe I actually managed to come up with this damn list. There are so many changes to my previous top 25 list, it's almost scary. But I promised I would for my dear friend, Doaks as part of the celebration of his finishing his 100 top 10 lists (see his post here https://kitsu.io/posts/8688917 ), so I really dove in and gave it my all to come up with the list. Hopefully I'll be able to explain why I placed the shows on the list in a way that makes sense as well.

I do have to say that that I couldn't actually narrow my list down to 25 though. I got it down to 35 by some miracle. Once I had that ordered the way I liked it, I decided to take the remaining 10, pick 5 of them that made decent talking points and listed them as honorable mentions to the list. I'll be going through those first, then proceeding on to the true meat of the dish, my top 25 anime series! So let's get on with it!

The Honorable Mentions:

5. Bunny Drop/Sweetness and Lightning/Aishiteruze Baby/Listen to Me, Girls. I Am Your Father/etc.

This is the only time on this list that I am going to cite several shows that are not all part of a single series, but I honestly couldn't pick just one of them to represent this topic. Suffice it to say though, I really enjoy these series that deal with the single parent role to a small child. Most of my examples deal with a teenager or young adult in the role, but it doesn't have to be that way. Sweetness and Lightning and Bunny Drop have the parent role filled by someone who is old enough to know better for instance. They all share the same sort of storyline thread though, seeing the ups and downs of parenting from both sides of the relationship and how bonds form and grow as time goes on. You could probably lump Barakamon in with these as well, though Handa-sensei doesn't quite fit the role of legal guardian, but there is still a lot of the same sort of storytelling involved. Poco's Udon World would also fit here, just with that added supernatural element. But yeah, I really love these shows, but alas, not nearly as much as the ones that made the final list.

4. Yoru no Yatterman

https://kitsu.io/anime/yoru-no-yatterman

We've long since gotten used to the concept of a reboot. At least once a year, it seems, there's a new anime reboot of some old series. I'm sure that in Japan, there are actually a fair number of people who either remember the original shows or know about them because they're parents were raised on them, or had a soft spot for them. For us westerners though, this is not always the case. You might get a few of us who happen to stumble across an old show like Time Bokan or Gatchaman, but how many really delve into them? I love older anime and even I'm not well versed in the more obscure series beyond about the mid-90's. That being said, I did make an effort to get some information about Yatterman and the various other characters involved in the Time Bokan universe (it probably has a far better name but I don't know it offhand). Now, why did I do this? Because this series did such a good job of making me want to relive these characters. I knew it was a reboot of sorts, but I didn't know the characters. I could tell it was a total love letter to them and the shows they were from though. If I had grown up with it, I'd probably be in tears of joy the whole time for the wonderful job they did, from many returning characters and set pieces to even the simplest subtle nods left here and there in the show. I loved this show for that. It's not often you can get a sense of nostalgia from something you couldn't possibly have proper nostalgia for, but Yoru no Yatterman did it, and I applaud it for that.

3. Strawberry Panic

https://kitsu.io/anime/strawberry-panic

So, anyone who's spent some time with anime is probably at least somewhat familiar with Yuri. It's not a hard thing to find though. The basic idea has been bastardized for use in many a harem series or comedy series for the laughs. But how many of us know the difference between that and the more proper, pure form of Yuri? Probably more than I'd expect, but still, it's a huge difference that I wasn't totally aware of before I watched Strawberry Panic. I'm very glad I did though. While I'm sure the very idea of Yuri, even in this form, would unsettle many westerners, I found the whole idea very captivating to watch. It was so pure and innocent, and yet it stirred emotions in me that I never thought I'd feel from a show that I thought would be a step below softcore lesbians before I watched it. Boy, was I wrong. This show opened my eyes to yet another facet of anime that that I really need to explore more.

2. Tokyo Magnitude 8.0

https://kitsu.io/anime/tokyo-magnitude-8-0

This is a series unlike anything else I think I've ever seen. I mean, we've had many a disaster movie made in the west. They tend to be either super cheesy summer flicks as far as I've ever seen, though I'm sure there are some decent ones out there. In anime though, I don't know that I've ever seen anything quite like Tokyo Magnitude 8.0. The premise alone is pretty bold coming from a country that is quite possibly one of the most active in the world when it comes to earthquakes. All the same though, there is just something amazing about the execution of the whole story. It's sensationalized a bit, but overall it's a great lesson in the kinds of things you might expect in a huge disaster, and it does that while still telling a powerful and moving story at the same time.

1. The Pilot's Love Song

https://kitsu.io/anime/toaru-hikuushi-e-no-koiuta

For myself, this is one of the more shocking entries on my entire list. When this series ended, I was so pissed off. I have stated many times how much I hated this show for how it ended. But I've reflected on it a bit since then, and you know what? I like it. I mean, yes, the ending is a terrible cliffhanger that never got resolved and there is a bit of the plot near the end that's kinda disappointing as well. The journey to get there though. That is something I enjoyed a lot. The world was also quite cool as an experience, and I wish I could have more of it. Oh, and while I won't delve into this big time, I do appreciate any series that isn't afraid to kill off cast members in a meaningful way, and for a purpose. So yeah, in a lot of ways, This is actually a really great show. The only reason it didn't make the top 25 really is the way we were shafted out of an ending.

Alright. Now that we're past the honorable mentions, it's time, for the shows that I love more than any others. The shows that make me happy, keep me entertained and generally could be the only shows I ever needed if I was stuck on a desert island. Here, are my top 25 anime series!

Top 25:

25. Taisho Baseball Girls

https://kitsu.io/anime/taishou-yakyuu-musume

Considering how highly I spoke of some of the shows in the honorable mentions, seeing this show here is probably quite a surprise to some of you. To that, all I can say is that this show gave me many things that I enjoy just by themselves, but all together in one package.

Sports series. Check.

Moe cast. Check.

Historical setting. Check.

Decent comedy backed by a good story. Check.

All around, it just pleased me in so many ways to watch this. It does feel like the moe edition of “A League of Our Own” at times, but for me this isn't a bad thing. Watching our two initial leads build a female baseball team at a time when so many things were changing in the world, let alone, Japan was just inspiring on a certain level. Add to that the fact that this series has all the proper staples of a sports series without being so long it's hard to watch, and I'm hooked. Both times that I've sat through this series, I've very quickly marathoned through it because I just can't stop once I've started. That's how good it is for me.

24. Mitsudomoe

https://kitsu.io/anime/mitsudomoe

Now, I love me some comedy. But like anyone, my tastes in comedy can be hit or miss at times. I've dropped more than a couple shows where I just didn't get the joke. But when I do get the joke, oh man, it's all over. I'm sure this will be a running theme through this list, but there is one thing I can say about Mitsudomoe that I can't say about any other show on here. Never have I laughed so hard watching anime, and in every episode too. I'm talking big, laugh out loud, in tears and bawling from how funny things get. For some, the humor can surely be low-brow, even sick and disgusting at times, but not me. I just laughed my ass off and moved on to the next episode ready for more.

23. YuruYuri

https://kitsu.io/anime/yuru-yuri

I honestly almost took this off the list entirely. But then I thought back to why I kept up with this show as the OVAs and third season came out. While this series does pander to the less proper Yuri I mentioned above, it's not nearly as bad as some series I've watched. I almost feel like it's the missing link between the two camps of Yuri. It lacks that pure and innocent side, but it doesn't have the overly sexualized side to the degree that we usually see either. It mostly uses it for heartfelt moments or comedic effect, which is a lot more fun to watch. Also, the cast is just brilliant, the OP is catchy as all hell in most seasons and the animation looks great, even to the point where I didn't notice the studio change.

22. Chuunibyou demo Koi ga Shitai!

https://kitsu.io/anime/chuunibyou-demo-koi-ga-shitai

Okay, simple answer to why I like this series. Because I was Rikka and Yuuta as a teenager. Not to that degree, of course, but I can relate to what it's like to want to be something you aren't and to live in my own world rather than face the harsh realities around me. Now if only I had been able to turn mine into a halfway decent harem in the process, hehe. But yeah, beyond that, I just love the way this series executes it's approach to these delusions, both from a story standpoint and from a visual standpoint. Showing us the world as it really is and as Rikka see's it was a wonderful touch and it still pleases me when I think about it. Also, the whole thing about how sweet and innocent the relationships in the seres were portrayed was just great. I know a lot of fans felt the series didn't pay off in the end. I, on the other hand, fell it went exactly where it should have given the personality traits of the characters involved.

21. Shiki

https://kitsu.io/anime/shiki

So, let's analyze this series for a second. It's about vampires, sorta. It holds a lot of the common tropes we all know to be true of vampire stories. But it does avoid some of them and change others to suit it's needs. It also makes sure that, while it's a very dark and depressing series, that has plenty of very bright and flashy elements to it to catch the eye, most notably, the truly unique hairstyles of townsfolk. These two things would probably send any hardcore fan of vampires running away long before the series can sink it's teeth into them. For those that look beyond these two things though, this is probably one of the better vampire stories out there, period. It retains so much of it's gothic roots while making sure it stays modern and original, creating this perfect blend of suspense and horror that even I, someone who is not usually a fan of said things, can be drawn in. Also, that first OP is just awesome, and the sole reason I'm slowly becoming a huge fan of Buck-Tick.

20. Space Dandy

https://kitsu.io/anime/space-dandy

This show has so many things for so many people in it that your enjoyment is pretty dependent on how many of those things click with you. For myself, there was only really one episode that didn't click with me, and even then I saw it as a bit of a spoof on things like it, so I wasn't too bored. Dandy just does so much right and checked so many boxes for me that to list all the reasons why I loved this series would be like writing a term paper, and I sure ain't doing that right now. Let's just say I love it for the boobies and be done with it, okay?

19. My Daddy Long Legs

https://kitsu.io/anime/my-daddy-long-legs

Anyone who knows me, knows my big passions outside of anime are music and reading. Music we'll touch on later. For now though, let's talk about books. Specifically, let's talk about classic literature. I'm sure anyone reading this has at some point taken a class where they had to read some old classic like Tom Sawyer or Little Women or something. Well, there's an anime version of quite a few of these classics held in a series known as World Masterpiece Theater. Now, I personally love these series, having seen a few of them now. They do a great job of presenting classics that I may or may not have read in a way that is entertaining while not taking too much away from the original story (usually). For myself, I've oddly found that I got the most enjoyment out of the ones from books I've never heard of or have very little passing knowledge of. My Daddy Long Legs is a book I've since picked up and enjoyed because of this series. I will say they changed a lot of details for reasons I'm not too clear on, but nonetheless, the series is very enjoyable and one I would definitely watch again. Judy is a great lead character and all the stuff she goes through to get where she does by the end is just inspiring. And on top of all that, this series got me to go out and buy the book it's based on. I can't say that for any other anime I've watched (not counting manga and light novel adaptations of course).

18. Nanaka 6/17

https://kitsu.io/anime/nanaka-6-17

I don't think I've ever thought so much about my own childhood as I did after watching this. It just amazed me. To have all the things I didn't know I'd forgotten pointed out in a very simple way like that was a life lesson I didn't see coming, and I love this series for that. Before, I would always have a reason to justify my doing something of importance to me. I can't just go buy a mandolin and attempt to learn to play it because it might be fun. There has to be a reason that sounds mature and responsible, right? Wrong. This show managed to remind me that there are times when it's okay, and possibly even the better option, to think more like a kid than an adult. The whole thing is done in such an adorable way too. I honestly felt for Nanaka through the whole series, watching her struggle with concepts that would boggle any kid if they were thrown into them, all while making the adults around her realize that they might be looking at it all wrong in the process.

17. Romeo no Aoi Sora

https://kitsu.io/anime/romeo-no-aoi-sora

And we're back with more World Masterpiece Theater action. This time it's a book I knew nothing about before I watched this, and one I'm realizing now that I never did get around to buying afterwards. I really must fix that. But yeah, I can say that I had a great time watching such a powerful story, with a great cast and a well executed ending. It was also a nice mini-group watch so there is that bit of fun to make sure this series sits up there as something memorable for me and the other two involved. There's just something that can't beat watching a series with some good friends.

16. Azumanga Daioh

https://kitsu.io/anime/azumanga-daioh

We'll surely be hearing about comedy a couple more times on this list. This one is a pretty charming series to watch though, and ranks with only a handful of other series where I've read the source material, I enjoyed it so much. I think what got me here is just how off the wall the comedy can be at times. The teachers are just nuts, but the students all have their own, err, quirks about them as well. It just all works out to this brand of insanity that draws you in with one thing and keeps you there with a dozen more. I also have to give it credit for being a 4-koma manga adaptation that doesn't feel like a ton of short comics tied together, while still being very true to the manga. It's weird how it pulled that off.

15. Macross 7

https://kitsu.io/anime/macross-7

Remember how I said we'd get back to music later. Well, here we are. I love music, so what better way to keep my attention than to base a series around the idea that music can stop evil and save the universe. And while I really want to acknowledge the entire Macross franchise here, I have to give special kudos to Macross 7, almost solely because it has the best soundtrack of the franchise, and a soundtrack in the top 5 of all anime I've ever seen. The tracks just rock, and fit well into the story as a whole. So well in fact, that one of the better tracks (in my opinion of course) has shown up in every Macross iteration since. I may be wrong, but I'm not sure anything from the original TV series managed to do that. Just a track from the movie, Do You Remember Love? (someone will surely prove me wrong on this, right?)

14. Super Sonico

https://kitsu.io/anime/super-sonico-the-animation

This is not on the list because of mindless T and A. This is on the list because it was the most unexpected slice of life miracle I've ever seen. Because it had a decent soundtrack. Because it devoted an entire episode to her pet cats. Because it knows how to take a character that looks like the ultimate fan-boy wet dream and make that one of the last things to cross your mind while watching it. Oh, and also because it has one of the best Christmas episodes in anime. If you haven't watched it because you think it's all about the fan-service, go watch it. If you still think I'm wrong, we can discuss it, but I think Episode 7 will be my winning card. Never have I been more surprised by the content of an episode than when that episode aired.

13. Steins;Gate

https://kitsu.io/anime/steins-gate

Time travel stories always fascinate me. If they're done especially well, I love them even more. While not the best time travel story I've ever come across (go read Tim Powers' novel, The Anubus Gates if you're curious), Steins;Gate is certainly very near the top of the list. With a very engaging cast and the kind of drama that I wish was present in any of the other series linked by the errant semicolon, I just have to keep coming back to this one. It was also one of my first anime when I really dove into the fandom a few years back and holds a bit of a nostalgia slot in my heart. Oh, and also, that soundtrack is just brilliant.

12. Nodame Cantabile

https://kitsu.io/anime/nodame-cantabile

Ah, Nodame Cantabile. This is actually the most recently watched anime to make this list. I honestly only competed it early this year. This one did so many things right for me though, so it easily made the list. To start, the music selection here is just about perfect for a show revolving around classical music. The choices weren't always super obvious picks, but they didn't get so obscure that a casual viewer would feel lost or bored. It was a mix of well known and not so much so, and being the huge music fanatic that I am, this was perfect. Add to this that Nodame is just so damn charming as a character and that the rest of the cast is so very enjoyable to watch interact, and you have something I could have easily plowed through in a couple of days. It was a real struggle not to fly through, instead really forcing myself to take some time with it. I'm so glad I did though. This show will not be forgotten by me or many that watched it.

11. Galaxy Express 999

https://kitsu.io/anime/galaxy-express-999

Okay, so I haven't actually finished this show yet. In fact, I've been watching it for nearly 3 years now and am only a smidge past the halfway point. So why is it on this list? Because it is that show that I can go to when I don't feel like watching anything else and just enjoy an episode in peace. There is an overarching story to the show, but for the most part, we only see that in the first couple episodes and brief reminders from the cast when something happens to remind us that this is why they are on the Galaxy Express, bound for the planet where Tetsuro can get a mechanical body for free. Otherwise, this show is just a lot of one-off stories, often with morals. This is where my love of the show comes in though (well, that, and the fact that I love Leiji Matsumoto's artistic style). I love these stories. They are not always complex, but they are very often surprising and unexpected, and told so very well. For a show from the late 70's, this one just blows me away sometimes, because I never think of it as a time when we'd get something like this. That's probably my bad western mindset towards animated shows of the time though, and I should be shamed for this. Still, this is a classic and I love it.

10. F

https://kitsu.io/anime/f

I wrote a big review on this series after I watched it, which I will link here.

https://kitsu.io/reviews/13194

The short version though, and why I love it so much, is that this is probably one of the best anime endings I've ever seen. The show is wild at times, and a bit unconventional in how it portrays the sport it's based around, but man, the rivalry between the main characters is just brilliant, and it ends so perfectly. I love it! I only wish this had a better fansub than it does. Someone really needs to fix this.

9. Aria

https://kitsu.io/anime/aria-the-animation

Wait, what!? Aria isn't number 1 anymore? You must be in shock over this if you know me and how long it's held that spot. Well, all I can say is that I really put a lot of thought into this list, and I realized something. I do really love Aria. It's a wonderful series with great stories, some of the best music in anime and a cast to die for. Still, I have 8 other shows that I would more quickly watch if given the choice. It sounds weird saying that, but that's how it is. My tastes have shifted a little and become more clear in the past year or so, and that's what moved Aria down the line. I love it for it's slice of life nature and the calm, peaceful stories it give us. It just doesn't have something else to really grab and hold me like other shows that pair in more drama or comedy, which seems to be where my tastes have gone. Still, I'll recommend this show to anyone that asks if I see it missing from their lists. It's a must watch, like every show in my top 10 (I will back this up if anyone dares question that statement).

8. Emma: A Victorian Romance

https://kitsu.io/anime/eikoku-koi-monogatari-emma

So, I really have a thing for British history and culture. It's one of my other big geek things besides music and anime. So of course, a show that feels like a mangaka tried to be Jane Austin for a while is obviously going to catch my attention. And as you can see, it was really, really good. Romance in anime is a genre unfortunately plagued by unfinished stories and plenty of bad tropes that we're all sick of. Emma takes a different track with it's Victorian romance styles, and I think it does it beautifully. The cast is very enjoyable, the story moves along properly and the romance is a wonderful thing to watch unfold. And of course, it has a proper ending! I also have to give a shout out to this series for great accuracy in historical detail. So many sites of old London town were brought to life here, which was a joy to see.

7. Nichijou

https://kitsu.io/anime/nichijou

And speaking of British culture, well, okay, Nichijou doesn't have any link to it. If ever there was a series that feels like I'm watching an anime rendition of Monty Python's Flying Circus though, this would be it. There are totally random side jokes and stories that go nowhere, jokes that start in one sketch and end up in another one, and a sort of humor that doesn't feel Japanese at all, aside from the setting. Maybe this is why, for the longest time, the only western release of this show was in Australia. Hmm? Anyways, this show makes me happy when I watch it, with much laughter included. The cast is something I can't even begin start praising and the art style is just amazing for a weekly show. If you haven't seen this yet, I dare ask you, “Why not!?”

6. Cross Game

https://kitsu.io/anime/cross-game

Best first episode ever! Simple as that. If you aren't hooked and ready for more by the end of that episode, you might as well hand in your anime fanboy ID card and find a new hobby. Seriously though, this show is just amazing, starting with that first episode, and just building from there. The cast is near perfection, the story is not nearly what you would expect from a sports anime and the culmination of the series just works so well. I honestly could not be more pleased with a show. Also, it has a song for drawing the cat and shows off fan art. How cool is that?

5. Eden of the East

https://kitsu.io/anime/eden-of-the-east

Eden of the East is a show I didn't really think about putting on my favorites for a long time. Then I realized I had been rewatching every year, and enjoying it just as much every time. I don't know exactly why I like it so much. It's just kindof become that show that I have a mood for, put on and have a good time for a couple days. I think it's just a combination of a fun cast and an interesting story with lots of movie references that I actually get. Then again, this could be another case of a series that I watched early on in my return to anime and it holds some nostalgic value. Either way, I think it's great.

4. Yawara!

https://kitsu.io/anime/yawara

I'm sure most would not pick this as their series of choice from Naoki Urasawa, but dammit, it's so good! And I don't even like Judo. But then I watched Yawara and found it to be the most interesting sport for a few months. Then again, this series isn't just here for making me like a sport I knew nothing about. It's here because it mixes that up with an intriguing romance plot and a great cast of characters that I'll never forget. Also, it did a great job of fleshing out side characters that I honestly didn't expect. It pleased me so much with two particular characters because one deserved the attention and the other grew so much from the bumbling idiot he started out as. It was just amazing to watch.

3. Working!!

https://kitsu.io/anime/working-1

You know those series you relate to because you've been there and done that. Working is that series for me. I mean, my food service jobs were nothing nearly as insane as this series, but I can relate so much to the things that happen at Wagnaria. The cast encompass so many of the types of people that I've dealt with, only with the insanity knob turned to 11. This series also gets a nod from me for having some of the catchiest opening themes I've ever seen. Not the best, mind you, but damn if I didn't watch them every freaking time.

2. Maison Ikkoku

https://kitsu.io/anime/maison-ikkoku

Right, now we're in to the really tricky entry for me. I really, really wanted this to be number 1. I loved so much about this series when I watched it. I relate so much to Godai and his struggles, more so than nearly any other anime character I can think of with the possible exception of Anna in When Marnie Was There (but that's a whole other list). I understand what it's like to be in a crappy living situation with people that drive you up the wall on a daily basis with no regard for your personal space. I know the struggles of trying to make it through college. And like a lot of us, I understand the desires love gives us, even when they seem unrealistic and someone else is trying to get the same girl you want (granted, my experience with this one ended up much worse in the end, but yeah). These alone are big reasons why I absolutely love the series. But there's more. The cast is just a joy to watch, from the most annoying characters on up to all of my favorites. There is plenty of off the wall comedy like any good Rumiko Takahashi series, but there is so much heart behind her work, and nowhere else do I see that than in this series. It is the perfect romantic comedy as far as I'm concerned, and a joy to watch through. This is also the only anime, because it's out of print in the west, that I would more than willingly drop the money to buy on DVD (that price currently being well beyond $1000 last I checked). That's how much I love this show. It would be number 1, except that number 1 happens to be...

1. Ichigo Mashimaro

https://kitsu.io/anime/ichigo-mashimaro

Remember way back in the honorable mentions section, how I talked about that whole single parent slice of life subgenre that I love so much? Well, this series is kinda one of those. I mean, not totally since there is some indication that there are parents around. We never see them though, so this show is really all about an older sibling taking care of her younger sister and her friends. Of course, this group of characters works in such a way as to make sure that only the best possible comedy happens whenever possible. I can't even describe the joy it gives me in these moments. The jokes just have me in stitches. But there is an equal amount of heart in the show as well. It still has my absolute favorite Christmas episode ever. For all the jokes in that episode, the innocence it portrays and the care that most of the characters go to to protect that is just a thing of beauty. So yes, I love this show. Often times, it is the show that I drag out first when someone asks for a recommendation, and I've yet to get anything but a good response when said persons finish the show. And if that's not enough to show my love, well then, how about this. This is the only anime that I own twice. I bought a DVD box set back when it was still out of print, and then I bought a copy of the Blurays when Sentai Filmworks picked it up last year. I have not gone to the trouble to do this kind of upgrade for any other series, and probably will not, even though I have many series that I can now upgrade. This is the only one I see a reason to have done so. And believe me, it was so worth it! It feels so great to finally have the OVAs for this series too.

And with that, it looks like we're done. If you made it this far, I really want to thank you for reading all of that (unless you skimmed through it all, then shame on you, I put a lot of work into this and now you hurt my feelings). While this is of course, only my list, I'm feeling brave enough to ask what you guys think? Do you agree with anything? Disagree with a reason better than “It's Shit!” or any other mean spirited remark? Should I do a list like this for movies or OVAs? Whatever it is, I'd love to hear it. So thanks again, and take care!

[datingadviceonreddit]

Two years ago, I (24 now, 21-22 then) dated a guy (21 then, 24 almost 25 now) from July 2016-December 2017 that I thought was the One. And I’m still struggling with moving on.Love. It is the most powerful emotion known to man. Apparently, according to God, it overcomes, thrives and prevails. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. Sometimes, love blooms like a flower in the spring, continues to grow throughout the summer, and, although attempts are made to provide it nutrient, the flower can wither and become lifeless by the early moments of winter.As much as I dislike being Negative Nancy – especially about love, of all things, I need to be realistic.When I reflect back on my first relationship, my first love; to the man whom I had my first kiss with, who I lost my virginity to, who I thought was my destiny, my end - all, until I realized that he was nothing but, I see a girl who was naïve and desperate to be appreciated by anyone, not just by a man. A girl that wanted to be seen beyond her disabilities and known for abilities, such as how she could make others smile and laugh and loved everyone that came and went in her life with all her heart. That her humanistic characteristics, from her beauty, her charm, her wits and her intelligence did not go amiss amongst the mess of countless illnesses, scars and pain.It may sound overly dramatic but what I experienced was the worst heartbreak, but the most beautiful chapter of my life that I will always be grateful for. Because the guy who I fell in love with, despite the negative moments that occurred later on, filled my heart with this joy that, at that age, I didn’t believe that I deserved. Even though there will come a day when I will find love again with someone else, I will never forget the first man who loved me like nobody ever did and that reminded me that I was more than those scars that indent my skin because they were signs of a survivor. That I was a powerful, beautiful woman who could do anything that I could set my mind to. That is why I write with the similar pain-stricken heart as I carried that day we said goodbye, nearly two years ago.May 2016Birthdays were my favorite time of year, besides Christmas. My parents say that it is just another day. To me, it is 24 hours of celebration of another year that I am alive. So, if that isn’t special, I don’t what is.When my 21st birthday rolled around, I was over the moon. I was at last a legal adult. Meaning, I could make personal decisions without my parents’ consent, I could vote and, medically, I could become my own guardian. It was so exciting! On top of that, I was a year away from graduating with my second associates. After that, I would, at last, transfer to university.That spring day, I sat down at the table in front of a row of bowling lanes, with a huge smile on my face. Closing my eyes, in front of a few of my close friends (at that time), I thought for a moment before blowing out the candle to make a wish.We were at the local bowling alley celebrating. I remember being asked by a girlfriend what I had wished for. Although I am not superstitious, I gave a small smile. “It won’t come true if I share it!”What exactly did I wish for?As cheesy as it may be, especially all these years later, I wished to find a love, or for love to find me, after unfortunate luck with crushes turning into guys leading me on and leaving me in the friend-zone. It truly affected my self-confidence and self-esteem.More so, as a majority of my friends were in committed relationships. It left me feeling quite lonely and questioning a lot of things about myself. I worked hard to push past those emotions since that they wouldn’t get me anywhere, nor was it attractive. Yet, I couldn’t shake it.Was I not meant for love or to be loved by someone? That is a question that ran through my mind the most. Pains me to this day to even write that out in words.Since I was young, I had dreams of meeting that “Prince Charming” who would sweep me off of my feet. He‘d be tall, handsome and compassionate; his heart would be kind, his mind smart and understanding, and his soul strong and loving. He definitely had to make me laugh, always, and be able to handle my weirdness and sarcasm (ha-ha). There were other standards, too, that I followed to the letter. (Or so I believed.)Two months later, I was finishing up my annual online summer classes when my best guy friend reached out via phone. He told me that he had a friend at work who knew a guy that was single and, potentially, would be interested in going on a date with me. At first, I thought it was a joke! Then, my birthday wish came to mind. No way. Could it be –? Although I was nervous, I agreed to chat with the guy over text, eventually calling him if he was comfortable, to chat before any date was finalized. I wasn’t the type to go on a blind date.By the end of the day, around 5:15pm, I received a sweet introductory text from “Marcus” (not his name, but for privacy reasons). Midway into our talk, he confessed to having a bit of anxiety since he had had some bad luck with dating. This comment was something I found not only cute but attractive, in the sense that I appreciated his honesty. In spite of my lack of history with dating, period, I knew what it was like to, also, be rejected and hurt. And I told him so, and I believe I had him blushing behind the screen at that.From there, over the course of the next two weeks, we got to talking beyond text message as to hear each other’s voices. Hours would be spent talking about our hobbies, our interests; what we did for fun, if we worked or if we went to school, where we were from, and anything and everything in between.Our phone calls would begin the same way each day, like clockwork. Once he left work at 5 o’clock, on the dot, “Marcus” would call me. Since he lived right down the street from the shop, we had about 20 minutes to give enough detail about how we were doing, what our day was like, in almost a breathless sentence. But it was special, just the same.“Marcus” and I would then text for about an hour until about 6:30ish. Then, he would call me, or I’d call him, and we’d continue where we left off over text. Laugh, share something new about the other that we hadn’t said yet, or just be okay with a few minutes of silence, enjoying each other’s company.By the end of the two weeks, I decided it was time that my parents know about “Marcus”. Trust me when I say I was so nervous, but mostly from a mixture of happiness and anxiety that they would freak out. I told them over dinner that I had met someone. At first, they were a bit skeptical, as most parents would be when it comes to their kid dating. However, after some questions about “Marcus”, and seeing how happy I was, my mom and dad said that they would be glad to meet him soon and agreed that I could go on a date with him if he were to ask me out. (Now, mind you, I wasn’t telling them for permission. It was for comfort and trust purposes only, as to reduce any parental anxiety, also avoid being dishonest. Being 21 now, I didn’t need their sign off signature on who I hung out with. Yet, they deserved to be aware that their little girl, now a young woman, was exploring the dating world.)Ironically, “Marcus” asked me out on our first date the very next day. He had found out that the closest mall, of which stood in between us, had a glow-in-the-dark mini golf place! Based on our past and current conversations about things that we yet to do for fun, one of mine being go mini golfing, “Marcus” knew that that would be the perfect place to go and spend time together. I was so happy! And as I said I’d go, I tried not to show any giddiness because the last thing I needed was for this cute guy to think of me as crazy. Yet, by my reaction of “Yes! I’d love to! Let’s do this – I’ll so kick your butt” he knew that I was very excited. To this day, I wish I could be a fly on the wall to see his, if in fact, like in the movies or TV shows, he pumped his fist in the air or something. Knowing “Marcus”, I have no doubt he had a huge grin on his face.That Friday evening, at exactly 6pm, “Marcus” came by my house to pick me up. When I opened the door, my hand shaking, I instantly blushed and gasped in surprise “Marcus” was holding the most beautiful bouquet of sunflowers I had ever seen. “I remembered that these were your favorite flowers. Thought roses were too cheesy anyway” he said with a smile. My heart was beating so fast. I was already feeling a certain way about “Marcus”, as in I really liked him, but now, seeing this handsome guy of 5’10”, wearing a vintage Hawaiian shirt that brought out his gorgeous brown eyes, holding out my most adored flowers in the world, I was immediately smitten.Before we left, he met my parents for the first time. He shook both of their hands, assured them both that he would watch out for me and that he’d call either of them if we needed anything. I looked at my mother, who smiled as if proud and satisfied with the young man that I brought home to them. After a couple questions regarding where we would be going and what time I’d be back home, and the exchange of phone numbers between my parents and “Marcus”, we were off to the mall.We had such an amazing night with together. And he enjoyed our time together, too. I didn’t have to ask. I just knew by our first kiss, which was my own, too, making the moment all the more memorable. It happened right at the 18th hole, after I scored a hole in one. When our lips met, I almost dropped my golf club on the floor. It was a few second kiss, but – my Lord, I was breathless. After parting the kiss, “Marcus” looked into my eyes and smiled this cheesy-ass smile that I will never forget. I knew by how we laughed together as we ran in the rainstorm that erupted the skies, so suddenly, as we made our way to Barnes and Nobles that was next door to the mall. How he stopped me under the tanner above the front doorway of the store to kiss me again, despite how wet we were. I knew because, as he drove me home, he snuck a peek at me now and then, as I did to him, with an adorable smile to hide his embarrassment. And I knew by how he walked me to my front door, said hi and goodnight to my parents who were just coming home from dinner, showing respect, and then, after shared a goodbye with a long kiss behind a closed door revealing that he didn’t want the moment to end,just as much as I didn’t either.I couldn’t stop smiling as I fell asleep that night. I knew it wasn’t love, exactly, since it was a bit early on. However, it was a serious crush and a strong fucking attraction that filled my entire being toward this boy of 21 with a great taste of classic rock, a touch of similar amount of geekiness, short wavy brown hair that fell perfectly around his chocolate brown eyes, and this smile that made me weak at the knees. This feeling exploded even more into fireworks when thinking of our first kiss, and then when he called me to say he was home safe, to wish me goodnight one last time and how much fun he had, that he couldn’t wait to see me again.And before long, we did. A second date happened the next week, on that Friday. This time, it was closer to home, at the bowling alley where I had my 21st birthday party. We had as much fun as we did mini golfing. As we played a couple of rounds, I felt my heart steadily beat in my chest as I looked at him or when he caught my eye, just before he went over to toss a bowling ball down the lane. There was even a moment where he peered over at me, not paying attention, ended up throwing his chance to win down the gutter! I laughed so hard that I had to stop myself from crying, or I’d ruin my makeup. But I didn’t care, honestly. “Marcus” always had me laughing and that is what I loved most about him. And what I wanted in a partner.After that, not even two days later, “Marcus” popped the question if I would be his girlfriend. I immediately said yes. To this day, as much as I fell so deeply in love with “Marcus” and he loved me, I would give anything to go back in time to that day w hen he asked and offered that we waited for the third date. Not that there were any serious red flags (yet) flying about his head, it was, knowing what I do now, I should have thought more logically about such a huge decision. Not respond with emotion. I cannot, though, so I must take this lesson with me into my next relationship. That is all I can do. Along with the other lessons “Marcus” taught me, about love, about life, about myself.For the next year and a half, we were a couple. Although “Marcus” and I did have so much fun together as we did in the beginning, there were many bumps in the road and a lot of storms that we fought through until we couldn’t anymore.If our love story was put out in forms of photographs, we would have hundreds of them. We documented a majority of our dates with our phones, to remember them, as if to have them last forever. From our first to our third (and last) Comic Con, where we dressed twice as Han Solo and Princess Leia; every Friday evening that we either played mini golf in, or Skee Ball or some random game at the arcade at the beach; to when we went laser tagging for the first time, and I sprained my ankle (ha-ha) and ended up in a boot cast for 6 weeks. Then, there was the day that “Marcus” surprised me by driving me to the sunflower field in early September, when we spent the day at the annual festival that June; every goofy grin to high-school-cheesy-kiss, and individual photos of each other, even if we had laughed and said “nooo” with a laugh, because we didn’t agree when the other said we looked great, or beautiful. There is so much more I could illustrate, but how can you write out into words so many memories?Overtime, by the 11th month we were together, that laughter that echoed off the walls of his car or his bedroom became sounds of arguing and my tears, his anger at the world, his job. Our time we spent cuddling resorted to a space between us on the couch; phone calls or text message conversations grew later in the evening, shorter – from an hour or more to about 25 minutes or less. “Marcus” became someone I didn’t recognize. No longer was he the thoughtful, kind, loving man that I had met all those months ago. How he childishly would joke around in public only to embarrass me, to the comments he made about my friends or anyone in my family, or anyone that we saw out in a crowd of people that were a bit different; the blame he would put on me, or anyone, really, during an argument, instead of owning responsibility or verbalizing that upset into communicative words – it would make me feel so uncomfortable, neglected and anxious.I was, also, going through some dark times in my life. From my maternal grandfather dying just a week before my birthday, to college being a boat load of anxiety. On top of that, I had to make sure my boyfriend was okay, that he was happy, when I knew he wasn’t. We both tried to care for one another, but our individual depressive minds built up this wall that neither of us could tear down. But to this day, that was the immaturity within us, being so young, not able to talk things through or process our thoughts in an adult manner.Very soon, the kisses became strained, too, and our intimacy felt forced or exhausting, instead of passionate as they once were. Our date night was cut back to only Saturdays and Sundays due to money issues on “Marcus”’s end, which I wasn’t bothered by, but it caused him a lot of anxiety. This led to a lot of stress between us both. Very soon, our time together became a chore and I hated that feeling so much. But what I hated more was how I was feeling and how “Marcus”, a man whom I believed was the One, treated me.My parents vocalized their dislike for how they overheard our fighting over the phone, or just, in general, how Michael had changed in a course of a few months. The only two things that they “approved” of was “Marcus”’s professional, dedicated work ethic, and how he cared for me – until his actions showed otherwise. I knew what I had to do. Not because of other people’s influence, it was because my mind was telling me that I had had enough and that I deserved better.Three days after Christmas 2017, with a heavy heart and a choked up throat from tears, I broke up with “Marcus” over the phone. I didn’t want to be that person who didn’t do it face-to-face, but there was no way that I could do it without crying and seeing him do the same, because he was an emotional guy – a quality I once admired, since not many guys were so comfortable with that part of themselves. I couldn’t risk him begging for another chance, because we would just be in the same loop of pain, arguing, stress, over and over. I was not only letting us go for the sake of my mental sanity, but for both of ours. We were not the same as we were, and I valued myself much more than to stay around with someone who struggled to value not only himself, but our relationship as he, long ago, promised to do.For the whole day afterward, “Marcus” attempted to contact me by text and by calling me, repeatedly. I hung up each time or didn’t reply to any of his messages. It hurt me immense, because I did love him so much still, but I couldn’t be drawn back in. By dinnertime. I texted “Marcus” and kindly, but firmly, told him to please stop trying to get in touch with me, that we were over. I wasn’t coming back. He then called me, like no matter what, he was going to convince me otherwise but I didn’t answer – my dad did. And, in the same tone as I did in text, my dad asked “Marcus” to, please, respect my wishes and stop calling and texting me. Without hearing “Marcus”’s voice, I knew knowing him for so long, he was broken hearted as much as I was. But our fairytale was over.Early to Mid-2018Months went by. The day of my 23rd birthday came and went, a day when I had loved more than any day of the year, but I didn’t care. For the whole year afterward, I stayed home a lot. I didn’t try to date anyone, nor show my interest in any man that I did come into contact with. I struggled so much mentally and spiritually. I was still so heartbroken over “Marcus”. Saddened that I had to let the potential love of my life go. But to avoid judgement, I would hide these feelings from my family and my close friends with a facade of satisfaction; that I was okay without him, when in reality, I cried nearly every night or whenever a small thing reminded me of him, a song or a place that we went together.I soon went into therapy. It was helpful but it wasn’t at the same time. The psychologist I went to was an older gentleman who was abrasive with his words and heavily opinionated. Not to mention, he didn’t listen most of the time. Whenever I’d come in for our next session, he’d forget something I had said last week that was significant. That drove me insane. Soon, I left him after 6 months, and remained without any therapist whatsoever, trying to deal with it myself.During this time, my mother pushed me into getting on antidepressants, because, apparently, drugs solved everything. I refused. She let go after what seemed to be the 100th attempt to persuade me, or more so, my primary doctor in to giving me the prescription for something that would “get me in line”. We have been strained ever since. And I don’t know when we will never not be.At the age of 24 years old now, I am still single, living at home. Currently, I am a part-time college student going for my bachelor’s degree with the long term goal of getting a master’s in social work. Wonderful friends and family, too. I am quite grateful.Yet, I must be honest: Mentally, I am not doing well. I haven’t in a long while. Not since the day I left “Marcus”.My depression and my anxiety has reached a point where I can control both, but they come back with vengeance if I don’t maintain a balanced mindset. Of which is not always simple. Being overwhelmed by new, abrupt health problems – Post Ovarian Cystic Syndrome (PCOS), IBS, Hypothyroidism and Hashimoto’s disease – all within 8 months of one another, if not longer, without knowing, it has affected my confidence more than ever.I, too, continue to fight against the tides that keep coming in about “Marcus”, after all this time. I continue to battle with an eating disorder and body dysmorphia that I had as a teen. I continue to struggle with the pain of losing my grandfather. I continue to wonder if I will ever be happy and, if not now, when.However, a small part of myself that clings onto whatever hope that was installed in me as a young girl remains alive. That this pain will end in time and that I will be okay soon.But last Tuesday, my phone rang - it was “Marcus”, after all these years apart, saying hi and hoping that I was well, that I was happy. Hearing his voice over that voicemail, then getting to talk with him over text a while later (I reached out to thank him, in a kind way, to somehow have a peaceful sense of communication) for nearly two hours, it opened up many doors to so many memories and feelings in my heart that I thought were almost closed. He and I shared a conversation that I will not be able to forget, for it was so mature, honest and kind. “Marcus” seemed changed in a lot of ways, compared to the guy that I left. But, this was over the phone - I had to see it to be true. Deep down, though, I had such a strong instinct that it was.Since then, I have been struggling to move on - all over again. The temptation to meet up with him somehow keeps kicking in, to have that in person closure, something we didn’t have then. Something that we deserved. However, I am not with a license yet. I have a few friends who said they’d help out if I did want to see him, which I found to be nice and I thanked them. At the same time, I don’t want to push anyone’s hopes up for a rekindling of something that ended long ago. How can I move forward and not be tempted to go back, even if for one day? As much as I do want to see those familiar brown eyes and that smile, to hear his laugh and my name being said by him, it’d hurt so much. And I can’t do that to either of us. That’s how much I care for him still, selfishly and undeniably so.Please. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. via /r/dating_advice

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs, week forty-one

18.10.1997 20.10.2007 21.10.2017

10.18.1997

42) "If I Could Teach the World," by Bone Thugs-N-Harmony

OK I'm just, I know I should be doing more than pointing at the lyrics page and going "haha you believe this shit," but like "How many mo days on this old earth can you see/It's a crime to me/So we should get ready for Armageddon/'Cuz I know God should be ready to roll and do away with the wickedest shit like Mr. Police Man" ...like legitimately what. Bone Thugs is worried that everyone is too evil and God is going to END THE WORLD AT ANY MINUTE, and "that's why [they] get high." I have no idea what this song is or what Bone Thugs' belief system is. This song is so weird. "How can I say this, if we can, no more murder." I JUST WANNA SAY: I AM ANTI-MURDER. Unless you like really have to. I mean, if you can not murder, that'd be super cool! But I guess if you absolutely have to murder, that's okay. I can be fine with it. No, no, really, I'm fine if you want to murder! I just like it when people don't murder, but if you need to murder, you need to murder, and, y'know, that's just what you're gonna do.

55) "Sock it 2 Me," by Missy Elliott ft./Da Brat

this is fine, why did i decide to write two posts back to back, this is no way to listen to music, this was already a bad way to listen to missy, there's shit she's probably doing that requires either headphones or better speakers, i mean i'm consuming music badly and then offering bad opinions which is sort of the reason why i stopped doing this for a bit, like what even is this paragraph, this is self-reflection not music words, and this is music which deserves words to be written about it. i don't know what i'm doing. it's one am and i'm on the return of jafar imdb page. eleven whole entire people wrote return of jafar, which means eleven people all sat in a room convincing each other they were doing good work. how come i don't have ten other people on this thing. it'd still be bad but there'd be voices telling me it was good. thank you for making music, missy elliott, i don't know why i didn't listen to it.

76) "So Help Me, Girl," by Gary Barlow

i wonder if gary barlow realizes he's the last person named Gary to have a hit on the billboard hot 100. ...i shouldn't make that assumption, there's gotta be at least 12 country garys looking to break through, but it's just nuts that in my lifetime dudes named Gary -- GARY -- were trying to be heartthrob pop stars. this dude wouldn't be in Tiger Beat, but he was definitely in like Panther Groove or whatever cheap knock-off your dad bought you from the newsstand because he knew there was a cat involved with that magazine you liked what with all the boys and such. there was an interview with the dude from boy meets world who played the main character's brother's roommate in that issue of Panther Groove. this song was four and a half minutes long and i have stern words for whoever made this a thing my life had to encounter.

89) "One More Night," by Amber

hey guess what: dance music? still horrible. still so so very bad. still nothing i ever wanted to listen to but these are the choices i've made and this is the thing i wanted to pursue and it's on me to reflect on the mistakes i've made.

92) "You're the Inspiration," by Peter Cetera ft./Az Yet

...you know how sometimes you're on the bus, and some gross person will sit next to you for three seconds before they turn their head a little bit and see that there's open seats in the back, and you're like "I'm so glad I don't have to deal with Clearly A Smoker Jones anymore" and then some fucking even grosser person takes that seat? this is how i feel right now. i miss dance music right now. DANCE MUSIC.

93) "The Rest of Mine," by Trace Adkins

I NEVER THOUGHT DANCE MUSIC WOULD SOUND SO GOOD BUT THEN 1997 FOLLOWED UP "IDOL GIVES BACK"-LEVEL BALLAD WITH SLOW-ASS COUNTRY BULLSHIT AND NOW I HATE THAT I MISS DANCE MUSIC. 1997 you are the least trash year i am considering, and this week is why i have to say "least trash" instead of "best."

10.20.2007

55) "Blue Magic," Jay-Z

This is a microwaved Jay-Z leftover, one of many songs about how Jay-Z used to sell coke but now sells CDs, from the soundtrack of a movie about gangsters which seems like it should be much better than it is. This will probably be the week's best song. This week is horrible.

72) "Soulja Girl," Soulja Boy Tell'em ft./I-15

Life is a miracle. The fact that you and I are communicating, are engaged in a transaction of ideas, me having written these words and you reading these words, is only possible because of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies this is the one close enough to the star it orbits to feel its heat but not so close that it isn't just always on fire which allowed tiny organisms to form and grow and grow and grow and grow and we discovered the tones which pleased us and rhythms which soothed us and we tasked some of the large organisms to create these noises and one such organism was Soulja Boy Tell'em and life is a miracle.

97) "Into the Night," Santana ft./Chad Kroeger

how has nickelback not gone country yet? i just realized nickelback is eventually going to make a country album and now that i've made this realization i'm stunned that it is only at this point hypothetical. like, nickelback is absolutely just gonna add a fiddle to "photograph" and have a top-ten hit for big machine. anyway, hey guess what, chad kroeger is completely unconvincing singing a song about having a fun night with a woman. his voice turns this song into a dirge because all he knows is misery. this song is what it sounds like when sean penn tries to tell a knock-knock joke. ...i guess sean penn telling a knock-knock joke would sound more like sean penn's voice than this song, but you know what i mean.

98) "Everybody," Keith Urban

every day keith urban wakes up and sees a man named Geoff whose job for the last seventeen years has been to shave Keith Urban's face so that he always maintains a consistent level of just-woke-up stubble. Geoff's daughter just graduated from college last summer, the first member of either side of Geoff's family to do so, and Geoff is so insanely proud of his Addison for taking advantage of the opportunities he's worked so hard to create for her. Keith Urban is hot and as a not-hot person this makes me angry, is what I'm trying to say.

99) "What Do Ya Think About That," Montgomery Gentry

the thumbnail for this song is a dude in a camo cowboy hat. at one point montgomery gentry snarls that he "shot a little eight ball down at the pool hall" and i know this is a song about how monty doesn't care what other people think but i really think he could have phrased that lyric in a way that didn't sound like he does heroin in public. like i always assumed when country dudes talked about horse riding, they were relaying cowboy fantasies, but i guess i was looking at the culture completely wrong?

10.21.2017

68) "Hi Bich," Bhad Bhabie

I watched gameplay of Getting Over It recently. In Getting Over It, near the end of the game, there is a snake. Near the snake, there is a sign which says "Do Not Ride the Snake," and the narrator tells you not to ride the snake. So the player knows, without a doubt, that if they ride the snake, they are taken to the beginning of the game and will have to replay the entire frustrating thing. So if you know that riding the snake is only going to bring you disappointment and sadness, why would you ride the snake? I'm not listening to this fucking song and you can't make me.

74) "No Promises," A Boogie Wit da Hoodie 75) "Say A'," A Boogie Wit da Hoodie 84) "Undefeated," A Boogie Wit da Hoodie ft./21 Savage 86) "Beast Mode," A Boogie Wit da Hoodie ft./PnB Rock * NBA YoungBoy

I was prepared to just write "I know I listened to four songs because I clicked four links, but I swear, I just listened to one twelve-minute-long song," but shot outs to "Say A'" for being "I Spy"-level jaunty! It's not as free-spirited and fun as "I Spy," little in life is, but man, I was relieved to hear a jaunty piano, and the hook is pretty inspired. Like, he knows any run-in with a cop could be his last, so when he gets off with a warning, he's just like, "Fuck it. We did it! Doesn't mean it can't happen, but hey! Look at that!" The other songs are pretty boilerplate, but I'm intrigued in what this dude can do if he's got "Say A'" in him.

98) "Smooth," Florida Georgia Line

Man, this is not a hot one. This is a lazy joke, yes, but look at what I'm dealing with. If they don't have to try, why should I, y'know?

Who won the week?

Somehow, 2017. It helps that I’m just pretending Bhad Bhabie isn’t a thing, but like if we’re being real “Say A’” is the only song in this batch worth acknowledging, and worthless as Florida Georgie Line is, they’re not Nickelback.

Current standings 1997: 15 2007: 12 2017: 14 Yo, 2007 might actually be a legit contender next week! That’ll be fun!

[jessestoddard]

Today’s interview with Karen Marie Chase is part of my ongoing blog-to-book project: Life After High School: Secrets To A Successful Life By Those Who Have Had Twenty Years To Think About It (or) What They Didn’t Teach Us Gen Xers In High School. If you missed the last post, click here, otherwise, you can start at the beginning here.

Karen Marie Chase

(Formerly Karen Marie La Mesa)

Beverly, MA

My Life In High School

Who were you in High School and how did you feel about it?

Who was I in high school? I was a nice girl who didn’t really fit into a group. I was athletic but wasn’t a “jock.” I got good grades but wasn’t a “nerd.” I wasn’t a “stoner,” yet I had friends who smoked and did drugs. In fact, I’ve never had even a single drag off a cigarette or tried a drug in my life. I had lots of friends but wasn’t one of the “popular” girls. A girl who had nothing—but everything.

I am a child from a single parent family—the girl who would help anyone and expected nothing in return. I was an independent, hard working kid, (started babysitting when I was 9, got a paper route (delivering the Skagit Valley Herald) when I was 11, started bussing tables when I was 15 and moved into working in a kitchen when I was 16 and have been working ever since.

How did it make me feel? Honestly, I never really thought about it before, but as I write this I am feeling really proud. I never caved to peer pressure or did anything I didn’t want to do just because other people were doing it or tried to talk me into it. My mom taught me to treat other people the way I wanted to be treated. A motto I lived by then and one I still do my best to live by today.

What did you think your life would become when you graduated?

What do any of us think our lives are going to become after graduation?

I thought I’d graduate from college, get a job, get married, have kids and live happily ever after. Who doesn’t picture some version of that grandeur?

My Life After High School

What happened in your life to you, for you, and by you in the last twenty years (how have you used your time and who have you become)?

As mentioned I come from a single parent family. My mom was proud and didn’t have help from anyone, which meant, we (me, my mom and younger brother) moved… A LOT.

I went to five different first grades alone.

Born in Torrington, CT, we landed on the West coast fairly early. On our way to the west, we lived in South Dakota and Colorado before landing in Reno, NV. We spent time in California, and Oregon as well. When I had just four weeks of 6th grade left we moved to Anacortes.

My brother and I were in shock. We had two aunts there and had visited but never thought we’d live there. My mom sent us ahead of her because she thought it would be helpful for us to make friends for the summer.

The Anacortes School District separated my brother and I. They sent him to Island View and me to Mt. Erie. The week after we got to Anacortes we both got the Chickenpox. Then I got to go to Camp Orkila. Met some great friends at Mt. Erie. Friends I keep in touch with today.

The move to Anacortes wasn’t easy. I’d come from a big busy, 24-hour city with huge overcrowded schools to a small “island” that rolled up the sidewalks at 8:00 every night. We spent four years in Anacortes.

I struggled at first; most kids who lived there had lived there their whole lives. They already had their groups. It took me a long time, but I was beginning to find my way, and then it was time to move again.

I was so ANGRY with my mom for moving us again. It was the summer of 9th grade. I had friends, a boyfriend, was doing well in school and sports, a paper route. I didn’t want to move! I sat in the U-Haul with my arms crossed and didn’t speak to my mom the whole way. How could she be doing this to us again?

I started 10th grade in utter shock. I thought Anacortes was small! We moved to a town called Wilton and in 11th grade the next town over, Lyndeborough. These are truly TINY towns. The junior high and high school were combined, Wilton—Lyndeborough Junior Senior Co-Operative High School and only had 350 kids total for grades 7-12! I learned the definition of tiny. My graduating class had 43 kids and 40 of us graduated!

I started dating a guy who lived up the street from us. I dated him all through the remainder of high school and college. We broke up for a period of time when I was in college. I graduated with a Bachelors Degree in Fine Arts with a Graphic Design concentration. After graduation, I got an apartment with that boyfriend. We broke up about a year later.

Finding a job after graduation was shockingly hard. No one will hire anyone without experience, but no one wanted to give experience. I finally got a job in a business card print shop making $11 an hour.

I was so upset at this. I did everything I was supposed to; I went to college and got a degree… And for what? To rack up $80k in student loans to make $11 an hour?! What a freaking joke! I could have skipped school and got a job that paid me $8 an hour and have no student loans.

A woman I was working with sort of put things into perspective for me. She said, “Karen, I’ve been working here 10 years and I bet your starting pay is very close to what I make.” It really made me think.

I stayed at that job for two months because as luck would have it, the job I really wanted called me. The person they’d hired didn’t work out and I was choice number two. I left the BC job and took a design position in Concord, NH. I replaced two designers and they had a temp in to help me but I ended up being the sole designer. I was doing the work of two people but only getting paid for one.

At this job, I learned Life Lesson #1: It was a small family company. One of the guys who worked there gave me the best professional advice I’d gotten to date, “Just remember kid, this is a family business and you ain’t family.”

I worked my ass off at that company. Doing the work of two people and it got me nowhere. I still worked my butt off though. If there is one thing my mom instilled in my brother and me, it was a strong work and moral ethic.

Because student loans were so expensive I needed to find another job to help pay for them. My aunt got me a job bartending at a small bar. From there I went to bigger bars, some a bit nicer, some a bit seedy. But I made good money no matter where I was. On a Wednesday night, I’d make what I made in a whole week at my design job.

I’d been a waitress through college but not a bartender. I LOVED it. It was a natural fit for me. I have never been someone who required much sleep and I love people, so two jobs didn’t effect me in any way other than making it easier to pay my bills. I had a great time bartending.

At the same time, I’d convinced my best friend from High School (Wilton) to get an apartment with me in Manchester, NH, aka MachVegas.

Boy did we have a blast! We had so much fun the cops showed up more than once.  Let’s see… They came to our Halloween Party, our Pimp N’ Ho party, our Toga party. Heck, they showed up at our not-even-a-party card playing Saturday night…. Yep, we gave the Manchester police some funny stories to tell!

During this time I learned my second life lesson…

Life Lesson #2: Don’t date a guy you meet in a bar.

Working behind a bar you get hit on all the time and it’s very easy to turn these advances down. I decided to give one guy I met a chance. He seemed different. He was the nicest guy on the planet until you added alcohol!

Early on I disclosed that drugs (even weed) were not something I wanted in my life (this was the main difference between my high school sweetheart and me).  Unfortunately, he smoked a lot of it. To his credit, he tried to give it up but that translated to more drinking. He got so bad that my friends and family didn’t want him around.  Friends would tell me I was invited to things but that I couldn’t bring him.

I finally had enough when on a really bad snowy night he was being nasty and I said I was going home. It was a bad storm but I ran to leave anyway. I jumped in my car and went to back up and hit my breaks abruptly to his mom screaming to stop. He had thrown himself under my car and I nearly ran him over! Once he got out from underneath he ended up on the hood screaming at me to drive because he was going to die tonight. His parents came out and his father and I ended up wrestling him to the ground and pinning him down until he was foaming at the mouth. I didn’t even know that was real. Thought that was just some special effect you saw in the movies. The saddest part, the next morning he didn’t even remember doing any of it.

Why do guys always do too little until it’s too late then expect forgiveness? I’d been pushed to a point that I couldn’t return from.

I was trying to get away from him when I met David. It was a freak 80-degree day in the middle of February. The print shop I worked at had two buildings and I happened to notice a job sitting on the counter that was supposed to have shipped two days prior. Luckily, UPS picked up from our 2nd building later in the day. I grabbed the box and hurried down the hill.

As I was approaching the building there were two guys at the bottom the hill outside the main entrance to the building. One was on a motorcycle and said something. I didn’t know them so didn’t think they were talking to me and looked behind me. As I got closer I asked if they were talking to me and the guy on the motorcycle said, “Yes, do you need help carrying the box?”

I thanked him for the offer and kept going. When I was heading back they were still there. As I went by, the guy on the bike asked if I wanted to go for a ride. I said sure and kept walking. I caught him so off guard that he stumbled over his response which was, well I’d take you for a ride but I just got this bike today and don’t have the passenger seat yet.

I stopped and looked at him and said well then why did you offer? He tried to give me his phone number and told him if he was serious when he got his seat I worked at Town & Country and was the only Karen there. He could call me when the seat arrived.  It snowed 6 inches the next day!

A week or so later I got the call. It was snowing again and he said while he got his seat in, it was snowing so perhaps I would like to get a cup of coffee. I told him I didn’t drink coffee. Radio silence. I laughed and said, “But I do drink other things!”

I invited him to get some friends together as some of my girlfriends and I were going out that weekend. He ended up coming alone…. My aunt said, “Oh, he’s a brave soul.”  We dated for a year and got engaged that Christmas. We planned a wedding and sent out invitations and everything then I called it off after he broke my trust. We tried to work on things but it was never the same.

A few months shy of our 4-year anniversary—the day after Christmas—he said his feet were feeling funny to the point that I took him to the emergency room. He was diagnosed with Guillain-Barre´ Syndrome. An autoimmune disease that causes your immune system to attack your nervous system.

David was a Desert Storm Vet and I learned a lot about autoimmune diseases and the elevated number of Desert Storm Vets to suffer from them. The good news is if you are going to get an autoimmune disease this is the one to get. Ninety percent of people recover from it 100%, but it is a long slow recovery averaging 6-plus months. He spent a couple weeks in the hospital and a month in rehab. Every morning I would go to the hospital get him in his wheelchair and do laps around the hospital. Go to work, go home, walk the dogs and go back to the hospital.

By then I wasn’t bartending anymore but was a shot girl at a local bar. It was a hell of a lot easier than bartending and to my surprise much more fun! I met one of my very best friends in this job.

A funny thing that I can say with confidence is that I never judge anyone based on appearance. When being introduced to this girl on my first night, for some strange reason I looked at her and thought to myself: Oh man she’s going to be the biggest bitch ever!

I have no idea why I thought that. I was introduced to Amanda and seriously we were instant friends and have been the best of friends ever since.

That year, I left the bar early on New Year’s Eve—ran to the CVS and bought a bottle of sparkling cider and plastic cups and ran to the hospital, jumped the gate and waited outside the employee entrance until someone came out so I could get up to David’s room for New Years.

He was moved to rehab a few days later where I continued the same routine until it was time for him to come home. Sadly it was a downhill spiral from there.

Life Lesson #3: Don’t go down with the ship.

He had a hard time getting back to norm. In fact, he never ended up going back to work. I don’t remember why but he started doing drugs—heavy drugs. I tried to help, tried to get him back on track and to being well emotionally and mentally but I just wasn’t enough and he continued to spiral. We broke up, I moved out.

For the first time since before I graduated college I moved back home. This time, unlike when I left the long time beau, I took my things, things we bought together but I paid for and packed up. I made the mistake the fist time around of letting my Ex keep anything we bought together because my new roommate had furniture and I made better money than him, and I thought I’d be able to replace it sooner. I tried my best but can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved, so I said my goodbyes and moved on.

I started spending time with a guy I met in college. I’d gone back to school to see a friend graduate and bumped into him working. Eric and I became friends my junior year. I was a bank teller while in college and he came to my window.

Little did I know my whole life was about to change.

It turns out this guy worked at my college. We became pretty good friends in our senior year, but after graduation, I never expected to see him again. At my friend’s graduation, we reconnected.

We never talked again all summer then out of the blue he called me that winter and asked if I skied. I didn’t but had just learned how to snowboard. We started hanging out a lot that winter, while David didn’t.

After we broke up, I ended up doing some design work for him and he helped me build my office. I started a graphic design business and my mom lets me build an office and studio apartment in part of a building she owned. He came up on weekends to help me build it.

I got my little design shop up and running. Studio K was in operation for about 3 years.  I was also working part-time at the chamber of commerce. I got my name out there, met other businesses and business owners.

I was more or less breaking even and then in May of 2006, my office and apartment were flooded in the Mother’s Day Flood. A huge portion of New Hampshire flooded when 14 inches of rain fell in a short time and flooded much of southern New Hampshire and parts of Massachusetts.

We’d been close but never single at the same time.  For the first time in our friendship, we were both single. I also never saw anything working out between us because he had two children. His life was in Massachusetts; my life was in New Hampshire.

At the time I also had a 17-year-old cousin in my care. I wanted him to be able to finish high school and get off to college before I made any drastic changes.

Well, the Mother’s Day Flood changed all that. My office and apartment had been flooded out.  Which forced my hand to move sooner than planned. We made arrangements for him to stay with a family friend until graduation and I packed up and headed to Massachusetts to start my life with Eric.

I’m not really sure how all that happened. I never imagined I’d ever go back to Massachusetts—let alone live there.

We had some serious ups and downs and some REALLY trying times with his kids. He was working two jobs so I spent the majority of the time with his kids. At first, it was fine as the kids were really good kids.

As time wore on their mother started to cause all kinds of problems for us. Such major problems that we almost didn’t make it. Jealousy is a very unattractive quality. After years together I finally told him it was time to take things to the next level, that I wanted a family and if he didn’t want the same things as me then we were wasting each others time. I felt if he didn’t know after 5 years, he was never going to know and told him I had a time set in my mind that if he didn’t make up his mind, I’d be forced to make up mine.

His deadline was New Years. If he didn’t make a move by then, I’d be moving out. In October he surprised me with a trip to Mexico. He’d arranged my mom coming to pick up my dogs to watch them. He bought suitcases and a bathing suit for me and a couple dresses. I was floored. I tried not to get my hopes up. We’d never been on a vacation and this was a fancy one and was a gift in itself.

We arrived on the morning of Halloween. My favorite holiday! And that night, to my shock—he proposed!

To his shock, I asked him if I could think about it.

He wasn’t sure if I was serious. I was. I asked if we could have a baby? He said he was close to saying yes. I told him kids were a deal breaker for me. I wanted a family so if we could have a family and do something about the situation with the kids (things were still really rocky) then I’d be happy to be his wife.

We saved for two years to pay for our wedding. I wanted to be married before we had kids.  If I had known it would take so long to get pregnant then I might not have waited. I never dreamed of how hard it would be to get pregnant. It turns out there was an issue that was standing in our way, but as luck would have it after several years of trying we were finally blessed with good news. A baby was on the way.

Life Lesson #4: A healthy baby is truly the most amazing gift anyone could ask for.

I took for granted how difficult it would be to get pregnant. Then once I was, a healthy baby became the true blessing in life. During my pregnancy, my best friend (my partner-in-crime shot girl) lost a baby to a very rare umbilical cord accident when she was 7 months along.

She too had a hard time getting pregnant and this was very traumatic for her and her husband. Also while pregnant, another close friend’s baby was diagnosed with a severe heart condition while still in the womb. My niece stopped growing and arrived a month early. I had no idea what a blessing a healthy baby is on top of having the baby in the first place.

We did not know if we’d be welcoming McKayla Marie or Alexander James but were answered when Alexander James arrived on May 30th, 2015. It was a week late but perfectly healthy!

I have never felt more blessed than I do now. Everyone told me life as I knew it would change. I didn’t expect it wouldn’t but I had no idea it was humanly possible to love someone more every day! He is truly amazing.

I know I’m biased but he’s just perfect… If only he’d sleep!

I joke that I followed a boy to Massachusetts. I figure it’s ok since I married that boy and we now have the most amazing little boy and a couple wonderful stepchildren and hopefully a daughter-in-law in the works.

So that’s where I am family-wise. Career-wise, where am I? What was my path? It’s been a little bit of a bumpy ride.

I mentioned I went to college after high school, started out working in a couple print shops, left the second to be the art director at a magazine in Manchester, NH.

I got there and had one of the less-than-awesome experiences in my career.

Life Lesson #5: It’s not lonely at the top.

I got to this art director job and walked into a girl who was acting as art director and being more or less demoted. Their director had left and one of the girls working there had stepped up and was acting as art director.

She didn’t know I was being hired until the minute I walked through the door. What a way to start out!

I should have known better. This was also a small company and also run by a husband and a wife. The husband was fine, the wife—not so much. She was nasty and would play me and the rest of the designers against each other. She told me it was lonely at the top and that I couldn’t be friendly with the girls because I had to be their boss. I do not agree with that philosophy whatsoever.  I believe if you are good to people they will be good back to you and I stuck with that philosophy.

Needless to say, it didn’t work out and this was what pushed me to open Studio K Graphics. I knew I could do a good job and make money at it.

I met a friend/former customer for lunch one day shortly after leaving and he told me he had something in his car he wanted to give me. I got there and he opened the back door and in the car was a printer, a fax machine, a computer and a few other office necessities. He said I was talented and could make it running my own business. I, of course, refused the gifts. There was no way I could pay for them.  We went back and forth and I only agreed to take them if he’d let me pay him back in some way, even if that meant through trade.

So it worked out and that was how I started Studio K Graphics. Once I closed it down after the floods, I kept some of my customers, I just didn’t take on any new ones. I still have a couple I do some work for today.

When I was in college I worked in the kitchen for work-study. I called the guy who runs the kitchen at Endicott and asked if they could put me to work until I could find a job. I was in luck. So I worked in the kitchen at my old Alma Mater for a couple months until I landed an art director position at a company that published trade magazines.

So here we go again, a small company, run by a guy who had his daughter working there for the summer. Well, she was as “Royal Princess” as the piece of work he was!

What a disaster that place was. This was truly the worse job I’ve ever had. The guy was the type of guy who thrived on conflict. He wasn’t happy unless there was some drama going on and if there wasn’t any he created it. His daughter was a prima donna and ended up staying when the editor left. She took over.

Everything bothered her. You couldn’t put an article in her inbox without “disturbing” her. Augh! I hated that place. The guy squashed every shred of creativity out of me and made me a paranoid nervous wreck. Every day I’d go home crying. I only stayed there a year. I couldn’t take it.

This was during the time when the economy was having a rough time. Graphic design and web design jobs were often being combined into one and I had zero web training. I had several very successful interviews and even a couple second interviews in Boston. Something happened with all of them.

McKay Healthcare had a client they were hiring another designer for but got held up indefinitely with the FDA. They assured me not to worry; it would just be a couple weeks. Several weeks went by and when I checked they said they didn’t know how long it would be held up—could be a year.

The other, NSTAR, a union job working for an energy company needed someone with web experience. They had someone they also liked and had web experience. Elder Hostel loved me and I passed the test they gave me.  They didn’t mind I didn’t have web experience because they were willing the train the right person. The manager was going on vacation for two weeks so she said she’d be in touch when she got back.

As luck would have it, Murphy struck again. While she was away, their web designer gave their two-week notice and now the manager was making her hire someone with web experience as there’d be no one there to teach me. Such a bummer. I was really excited about that job.

FINALLY, I was working through the career center to find a job and get my resume in good order and take some classes. I took the Myers-Briggs Personality test that I thought was a total load of crap. A bunch of stupid multiple-choice questions that supposedly would tell you what kind of personality you had. There are only 16 different personalities.

I found out I’m an ENFP and let me tell you it kind of freaked me out a little bit. It nailed my personality to a ‘T’. Also, it tells you some jobs people with your personality types have been successful in and some to stay away from.

What was even more profound was that it gave me insight as to other personality types and traits they exhibit and I learned why this last job was such a pure hell for me. My personality doesn’t need timelines to get things done, actually, they are often counterproductive. I can multi-task and flip back and forth between more than one project and be working on them all in tandem. Quiet time isn’t needed. Music and or people don’t distract me or prohibit my productivity.

The boss’s princess was the complete opposite. She had to have timelines, schedules, could only do one thing at a time, noises, music, and people were distracting to her. Again I learned so much taking this test about others and myself.

I finally decided that I needed to take a web design course or I was never going to find a job. I found a program at the career center that would pay for me to go back to school if I could prove that I needed to be retrained to get back in the workforce. It was a lot of paperwork but I was determined and when I tell you Murphy struck again, it’s true. The day I was supposed to start my first class, I got a call from a staffing agency, I do think the ONLY staffing agency in the area I hadn’t heard of before and likely the only one I wasn’t registered with.

They found my resume online and had a job they thought I’d be a good fit for, and asked if I could come in the next day for an interview. I said sure—why not check it out?

They sent me to Salem Five (my bank) the next day for an interview. They called me later that day, said they loved me and asked if I could start on Monday! I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to work while in the program of going back to school and of course my caseworker was on vacation and no one could answer me so I accepted the job. I couldn’t imagine them telling me not to work.

It was a 3-month contract job to cover a maternity leave. I was fortunate enough to make a good impression on all the right people and 8 years later here I am.

I started out as the graphic designer and when she came back a role was created for me. Half my job was charitable foundation administrator and the other half was an event planner. I was brought on during a hiring freeze so my salary was low but I loved this company so much, I would have cleaned toilets to stay.

One of my first projects I worked on was an internal newsletter. It had a birthdays and anniversaries section. People were celebrating twenty- and thirty-year anniversaries. In this day and age that is unheard of. It spoke volumes to me about the integrity of the company. The first year I worked there I was nominated for employee of the year! Whoot Whoot. I didn’t win, but to even have been nominated after less than a year, I felt pretty good.

My career has evolved at the bank. I started out as the designer, then charitable foundation manager, event planner, to PR specialist and social media manager. Two years ago I was promoted to Assistant Vice President and I know almost all of our 574 employees. The bank has grown from 18 branches when I got there 8 years ago, to 30.

As much as I’ve had a good run and learned a ton, I will be hanging up my hat and heading to another bank where I have accepted a Marketing Manager Position equivalent to my bosses role at Salem Five. I can’t wait! Looking forward to the new role and spending more time with my kiddo. The hours and pay are much better!

My Life Lessons

What were the major life lessons and wisdom that you gained during your journey over the last 20 years?

Nuggets of wisdom I’ve learned: Mom was right.

Work hard, and be a good person and good things will happen to you.

Everything happens for a reason.

Even if we don’t understand it at the time, I have to believe there is some reason/bigger/grander plan.

Old clichés you hear as kids are true, the older you get the faster it goes! People weren’t kidding about that! Eh, what do the grown-ups know? Clearly a lot more than any kid ever thinks.

Don’t work for husband/wife companies unless you are family. As my co-worker told me, this is a family business and you ain’t family.

It’s not lonely at the top. Screw the asshole who said that (Jody).

The former president at Salem Five shared this golden nugget with me. One day when talking to him about character flaws, he said, “Karen, a person’s biggest flaw is often their greatest attribute.” I will never forget that.

Letter To My High School Self

If you could write your 18-year-old self (or however old you were when you graduated) a letter, and send it back in time, what would you say? What lessons or wisdom did you learn? What encouragement or warnings would you give yourself?

If I could leave advice for my 18-year-old self, I’d say:

#1, Mom taught me, don’t ever do anything to someone you wouldn’t want to be done to you—live by that wisdom and you can’t go wrong.

Treat people the way you want to be treated.

Be yourself—don’t let friends or family define who you are.

Believe in yourself and have confidence. If you aren’t there yet, fake it. Confidence comes with experience—it will come.

Tell the people you care about that you care.

Give someone, anyone, a hug daily.

Tell your family (particularly your children and your parents) that you are proud of them.

Live your life for yourself and no one else. You can’t please others if you aren’t pleased yourself.

The older you get the less time you’ll have for drama and bull. You don’t have to be involved. Don’t let it weigh on you, and just walk away.

Be kind and others will be kind to you.

Appreciate the little things and be true to yourself. At the end of the day, the only one you need to please is yourself.

Smile! It increases your face value.

Lastly, roll with the punches. When life serves you lemons, make lemonade and DON’T, I repeat DON’T, hang around with negative or bad influences. People tend to become what their friends are.

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  In the next post, I will wrap things up with Chapter 13.

Are you from Generation X? I want to hear what you think! Please comment below and participate in the conversation about What They Didn’t Teach Us Gen Xers In High School. What do you wish someone told you when you were eighteen?

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Life After High School: Interview with Karen Marie Chase Today’s interview with Karen Marie Chase is part of my ongoing blog-to-book project: Life After High School: 

[symbianosgames]

Nearly two decades after Blizzard released its sci-fi real-time strategy game StarCraft, the game is still being played at a professional level.

Why? What is it about this game that gives it such enduring appeal?

That's basically what Blizzard senior producer Pete Stilwell has spent countless hours trying to understand as part of his work leading development of StarCraft Remastered, the revamped 4K version of StarCraft that's coming out this summer.

As part of a larger conversation about the state of RTS game design and where the industry is headed, Stilwell recently sat down with Gamasutra to chat about what he's learned while rooting around in the guts of one of the most popular RTS games ever made.

We got into a lot of nuts-and-bolts talk about what makes a competitive game timeless, where the RTS market is at these days, and how developers can walk the tricky path of trying to make a strategy game that's both accessible and deeply complex. 

Hey Pete! Tell me a bit about your time with the company and your work on StarCraft Remastered.

Stilwell: Sure! I guess I'll start with my time at the company. I've been with Blizzard about five years now. Most of that time was spent with internal tools working to help game teams streamline their process and get games out faster.

I think that's a lot of where that experience came in dredging up and resurrecting our classics. Dusting them off and getting new tool chains built up, things of that nature. That's kind of been my time at Blizzard until about 18 months ago when I got tapped to help with this classic game. 

I'd love to know what you've learned about the design of StarCraft as you've been revivifying it for modern machines. What is it, you think, that makes it so enduring that it should be remastered and revitalized?   It's the balance. That's the key note that you take away from any conversation you have, whether it be a pro, a passionate fan, even the initial developers.

  "It's important to have that, 'I give a piece in order to take another piece away.' That, to me, is the fundamentals of an RTS."

That was what we spent our pre-production doing. We didn't have to find the fun or anything like that -- we had to go find what made the game fun and successful. So we talked with the initial devs, we spent months and months in Korea talking with folks there that have really been the community around this game for the past ten years, especially since most of the community moved on to StarCraft 2 when it was released.

So it's the fact that -- And [Blizzard cofounder Mike] Morhaime touched on this recently, they kind of came up with a foil for every unit, right? If this enemy is strong this way, it needs something that can counteract it so that a smart player will see it emerge on the battlefield and realize they have a counter to it.

That's like learning chess or similar games, where there are set moves and set strategies and it's interesting when you can counter plays really well, because that's the high-level gameplay.

But also, even as you're seeing with Brood War right now, guys like Flash are emerging onto the scene and saying, "You know what? We haven't explored everything yet. There are some other ways to play this game and play it more aggressively than Terrans typically have, but rely on strong macro to deal with some losses in a way that didn't used to be the case."

I think that speaks really well to that balance and to what makes it interesting, and why the remaster makes so much sense. That there's a generation that grew up playing. I'm one of the guys who played this game and was like, "Someday, I want to grow up and work at a Blizzard and work on games like this."

So to come here and actually unlock that reality is amazing. But to me that's what we're doing for another generation of players. You've already got this game that was so lovingly crafted and turned out to be so well balanced. Why not unlock it for a new generation by making it more approachable and giving it all the features that our modern games get? Like matchmaking and being inside of the Blizzard launcher so you can have your friend network and things like that.

To me, the community is as big of a part of these games as anything, because you need someone to tell you about strategy. You need to realize why you just got your ass handed to you by this guy that you got matched against.

That's what makes this interesting, I think, is that you can speak to it. It's not just that you missed the headshot in a first-person shooter or something like that where you need to work on your mechanics, your muscle memory. That's understandable. RTSes have a depth, I think, outside of the game that can be really engaging. That's another one of those things that, in our pre-pro[duction] period, that came up routinely.

We used to talk about it. We would talk to people in Korea who still go to the IGR [Internet Game Room] for an hour after work to just chat with their buddies that they've had for 20 years now. Like how insane is that? They'll just go and pay a dollar to get into that chat channel that their clan has and just BS about life and the game and it's like a World of Warcraft guild or something like that. The thing that really binds it is that sense of community, and that you have now a game that's lasted 20 years that has a shared experience and dialogue.

Like we grew up playing baseball, hockey, whatever, and you can usually find another kid who played that sport and have a shared dialogue about that common experience. And we're seeing that with StarCraft now. Where we remember aspects of the game, the exploits, the things that we can talk about and have a little laugh and it doesn't matter that you and I are only just meeting now, there's a bond there. We really hope, with the remaster, to unlock that for another generation. Keep it vital.

It's been strong for 20 years, there's no reason it shouldn't be strong for another 20.    As you were going back talking to folks who worked on the original and getting ready to put this together, what stories of the original development of StarCraft stood out to you?   I think it was the "oh, shit" moment when they went to E3 and realized that they had a top-down game -- and perspective was a thing now. And their game was not going to be able to compete with Age of Empires.

So it was like a paradigm shift, and they had to adapt in short order. They did it in like less than six months or something like that to get the game ready and make the release date. 

Because you have to understand how much aesthetics are part of the appeal of games, especially back then. I used to do that thing of turning the box over and really looking at the game to see if I wanted to buy it. Because we all knew the game art on the front was lying to us, making false promises.

Original StarCraft

So I think seeing [the StarCaft dev team] being reactive like that was a great lesson for us to apply even now as we are making some fundamental changes to the graphics engine and the input system. That we have to be equally reactive. And that's been the great thing about the PTR [Public Test Realm] with the community, is getting the game out there...and taking a few licks, admittedly.

StarCraft Remastered

But the community is so engaged, they know this game so well. Even if my APM is never going to be over 300 like a lot of these pro players, they're there and engaged and can articulate what we need to do to tweak it to remaster exactly what matters.

Thinking back to the original StarCraft, it feels like RTS games were legion in the '90s, then kind of faded away as everyone congregated around a few genre leaders. Does it seem like RTS is having a bit of a resurgence, here in 2017?

RTS is like my main genre, and I agree with you. And maybe to build on the dialogue of this, I think there's two things: I think like everything else, there's a fashionability of games. We go through cycles, just like music and fashion. And I think FPS had such a dominant run for a while.

But now, I think people are revisiting and reaffirming a lot of classic gameplay elements; like look at the Telltale games that are popular right now. Those types of point-and-click adventures and decision trees that were the foundation of games 30 years ago, are now coming back in a cool way, and getting kind of re-imagined.

In a lot of ways MOBAs are a reimagining of an RTS, I think, but obviously building out of an actual RTS engine owes to that.

  "We grew up playing baseball, hockey, whatever, and you can usually find another kid who played that sport and have a shared dialogue about that common experience. And we're seeing that with StarCraft now."

But the biggest lesson I've taken out of this is that there are -- like you were just touching on, kind of like enduring communities around certain games and genres where, they never left it. And to your point, if we were players that enjoyed the campaign and story moreso and got engaged there, we wanted the next story -- like you wanted Warcraft 4, you wanted StarCraft 2 to be out really quickly and then 3, 4, 5, 6.

And just to consume the game that way and kind of watch it evolve, whereas, with the level of play and time you've got to put into be really great at multiplayer StarCraft, you don't necessarily need a new one. Because then you've got to start over, there's going to be differences.

It's one of the things we see with SC and SC2, that they are different games. I don't like when people make the comparison that StarCraft got changed. They're different games. If there had been a second expansion beyond Brood War, then it would have been an evolution of StarCraft, but no, the teams sat down and made a new game that they thought would be the new exciting way to play an RTS. And you have dedicated communities around both.

Even as we look at our other games like Diablo 2 and Diablo 3, you get exactly the same thing, of people who swear it's the best game and they'll be damned if the other one tries to take the same credit. And they're all Blizzard fans, right? But whether it's music or cars, we kind of fall in love with a certain brand and enjoy that for what it is. Especially when it has a hold on your youth and that nostalgia and all those things. There's a reason that it then resonates with you for the rest of your life.

That, to me, is where we can leverage the fact that there's a bunch of dads that grew up playing this game that they love and their kid's starting to get old enough to play a game.

And if StarCraft Remastered looks beautiful enough, and maybe that kid then has a button that finds you a person to play against because everybody expects that in modern games, it will unlock the experiences and subtlety and nuance of being really great at StarCraft for a new generation.

Because it does have the muscle memory of micro, but there's also the deep understanding of strategy; it engages you on so many levels. StarCraft, I think, is really well-rounded in that respect and that's why, especially in Korea, you'll hear people say like, "That's the [game] that separates really good players from bad," because it pushes you on all levels.    I wonder, do you think there's room in the industry for more than a handful of RTS games? Is there room for something outside of StarCraft, and if so, what do you think that is?   Yeah, I think so. I'm excited to play Dawn of War 3. And even in the Blizzard family, Warcraft 3 is significantly different from StarCraft, StarCraft 2. So just right there within one company those are three pretty different experiences. Which, War 3 and Dawn of War have that in common where there's that hero class built into it and it kind of blurs the lines between the MOBA and the RTS. I believe in the evolution of game mechanics; that's what makes new experiences engaging, is having to learn those things and figure it out.

So I think that's where there is still room for growth and for other companies to explore the space. I think in any genre when you see people trying to carbon copy, it usually doesn't work out, right? There has to be some sort of originality, some sort of new mechanic or something like that that draws people in, beyond a great story, great aesthetic, and IP. In my opinion that's where someone could see something new and then not just be Blizzard or Relic or whoever in the industry. 

Is there much left to be mined, in terms of RTS design?

I hope there's still a lot there to be mined! My current task at hand is to make StarCraft accessible again and I think we've made the right choices for that to hopefully bring a bigger, broader appeal to it to help the state of RTSes in the industry and I hope at some point to unlock that as a future for me at Blizzard, is to help the evolution of RTS. 

Do you think there's any truth to the notion that MOBAs and mobile strategy games have taken up a lot of the audience, and in a sense expanded both the bounds and the reach of real-time strategy games?    Yeah, 100 percent. I don't disagree with anything you said. I think that's what also makes it exciting to have platforms that have an editor in them that let people unlock new games like that. China right now with Warcraft 3 has a stupendously vibrant modding community and mapmaking community. The stuff they're turning out over there is amazing and who knows? Any day now could be that next paradigm shift and what people love because somebody has created a new game with the world edit from War 3.

That to me is part of the --  What you would call an RTS. The machinations of our youth in the sandbox that are the editors.

We're constantly reminded by the best and the brightest from the game industry to return to your roots. Go play board games. Go play tabletop games. Do those things that have the fundamentals really well set and I think in a lot of ways, that's what your Brood War is. It has fundamentals that everybody can point at and understand and articulate about good game design and hopefully that means having them around and keeping them vital is a good way to challenge the next generation of really great game developers. 

In your own work on StarCraft Remastered, what have you seen the need to add? What features have you felt were most lacking in that game and how did you go about addressing those issues for a modern audience?   We jokingly called this game "Make It an Option Edition" at a certain point because there were so many of those things. And that was also where we kind of had to go back to our identity when we started making the game of what are we really setting out to do. It was to keep this thing a timeless classic, sort of.

[embedded content]

So we don't want to change gameplay. That's an option that could easily be done. We could make your control groups bigger. We could do a bunch of other things that would be a more modern mechanic and better quality of life, but it would shatter those things that I touched on earlier about the fact that you can only have these small control groups means you have to make some tough decisions about who you put together and who you micro, versus who just shows up to the battle because of the rally point and then you hope to get them involved before the end of it.

But to address your question of what did we want to add? Matchmaking was a huge one -- and an associated ladder. Everybody talks about how good they are. They can point at win-loss records but it's very easy to just manipulate that with your buddies or understand this is a channel I can go into and find matches that I'm going to win in.

So having a true, "Who's the best in the room?" and being able to use some algorithms and some text to prove it I think is going to be super exciting. Then extending the social experience -- Again the chat channels were such a big part. Getting to bring in some of our other features for whispering and your friends and all those types of things I think are a huge value add to the game.    And the last one and then I'll shut up, I know I talk too much.    Not at all!

The cloud is huge for us. So especially in Korea with folks playing in the game rooms. If you can get up from your computer and leave and come back and tomorrow you can jump back into the game with a save location in the campaign, that's huge.

Revamped stat and replay systems in StarCraft Remastered

Also because they've never had the campaign; it's never been localized before. The people we talk to are incredibly excited to finally get to unlock the campaign and that it won't matter where they play it from. All of your-   So in Korea, they never localized all the text and audio of the campaign?   The entire game is in English in Korea. That's another reason why we had to make it the "Options" edition, because they still -- most people want to still hear the confirmations in English, even if all the dialogue gets changed to Korean, because they're just so used to hearing the marines giving their confirmation orders and things like that. 

What if a player is colorblind, or has a hard time with a mouse and keyboard. Have you given any thought to making the game more accessible?   We do have two guys on the team that are colorblind, so that one has certainly come up. We have not dealt with eye tracking or something like that to help somebody control the game that has a physical disability to play. I believe somebody out there made an addon that might address that.

But yes, to me, that type of accessibility is different than watering down gameplay to make it for a more casual audience. I don't believe RTS will ever appeal to a non-hardcore audience. And I think that's okay. League has a massive following of the most hardcore people ever and that is still, I think, what the game industry's bread and butter is: hardcore players. The mobile market and online stuff may be a little bit more appealing to people that are casual because it's more accessible. But if you're going to have a gaming rig and the right paraphernalia to play a game properly, you're hardcore and we should be challenging you with depth of play that requires you to put the hours in. Again, when push comes to shove you can say, "I'm undeniably better than you at this because of these variables that add up to being good at it."   Well, in all the time you've spent going back over this game and putting it together again, what have you learned about the art of designing an RTS game that maybe other developers could benefit from learning from?    Perfect is the enemy.

It's a really simple concept. Brood War isn't perfect, it's far from it. It has plenty of flaws, it's the fact that it's a shit-ton of fun on top of being well-balanced, right? The perception of being perfectly balanced is a perception. Who knows? With guys like Flash out there, there still could be a time where somebody finds how to break the game and then we would have to make a balance change, right? In a hypothetical.

But that to me is what makes it fun. Makes it good to see a unit and know what the foil is and bring that out and decimate it. And if the other guy doesn't have his own counter in his back pocket, you're going to win the game because you've got that. It's important to have that, "I give a piece in order to take another piece away." That, to me, is the fundamentals of an RTS because you have a limited amount of resources and you've got to make those tough decisions on the fly, and the outcome of that is what makes it good or not.

If you can't learn from those mistakes and get better at it, then your game isn't good. 

[symbianosgames]

Nearly two decades after Blizzard released its sci-fi real-time strategy game StarCraft, the game is still being played at a professional level.

Why? What is it about this game that gives it such enduring appeal?

That's basically what Blizzard senior producer Pete Stilwell has spent countless hours trying to understand as part of his work leading development of StarCraft Remastered, the revamped 4K version of StarCraft that's coming out this summer.

As part of a larger conversation about the state of RTS game design and where the industry is headed, Stilwell recently sat down with Gamasutra to chat about what he's learned while rooting around in the guts of one of the most popular RTS games ever made.

We got into a lot of nuts-and-bolts talk about what makes a competitive game timeless, where the RTS market is at these days, and how developers can walk the tricky path of trying to make a strategy game that's both accessible and deeply complex. 

Hey Pete! Tell me a bit about your time with the company and your work on StarCraft Remastered.

Stilwell: Sure! I guess I'll start with my time at the company. I've been with Blizzard about five years now. Most of that time was spent with internal tools working to help game teams streamline their process and get games out faster.

I think that's a lot of where that experience came in dredging up and resurrecting our classics. Dusting them off and getting new tool chains built up, things of that nature. That's kind of been my time at Blizzard until about 18 months ago when I got tapped to help with this classic game. 

I'd love to know what you've learned about the design of StarCraft as you've been revivifying it for modern machines. What is it, you think, that makes it so enduring that it should be remastered and revitalized?   It's the balance. That's the key note that you take away from any conversation you have, whether it be a pro, a passionate fan, even the initial developers.

  "It's important to have that, 'I give a piece in order to take another piece away.' That, to me, is the fundamentals of an RTS."

That was what we spent our pre-production doing. We didn't have to find the fun or anything like that -- we had to go find what made the game fun and successful. So we talked with the initial devs, we spent months and months in Korea talking with folks there that have really been the community around this game for the past ten years, especially since most of the community moved on to StarCraft 2 when it was released.

So it's the fact that -- And [Blizzard cofounder Mike] Morhaime touched on this recently, they kind of came up with a foil for every unit, right? If this enemy is strong this way, it needs something that can counteract it so that a smart player will see it emerge on the battlefield and realize they have a counter to it.

That's like learning chess or similar games, where there are set moves and set strategies and it's interesting when you can counter plays really well, because that's the high-level gameplay.

But also, even as you're seeing with Brood War right now, guys like Flash are emerging onto the scene and saying, "You know what? We haven't explored everything yet. There are some other ways to play this game and play it more aggressively than Terrans typically have, but rely on strong macro to deal with some losses in a way that didn't used to be the case."

I think that speaks really well to that balance and to what makes it interesting, and why the remaster makes so much sense. That there's a generation that grew up playing. I'm one of the guys who played this game and was like, "Someday, I want to grow up and work at a Blizzard and work on games like this."

So to come here and actually unlock that reality is amazing. But to me that's what we're doing for another generation of players. You've already got this game that was so lovingly crafted and turned out to be so well balanced. Why not unlock it for a new generation by making it more approachable and giving it all the features that our modern games get? Like matchmaking and being inside of the Blizzard launcher so you can have your friend network and things like that.

To me, the community is as big of a part of these games as anything, because you need someone to tell you about strategy. You need to realize why you just got your ass handed to you by this guy that you got matched against.

That's what makes this interesting, I think, is that you can speak to it. It's not just that you missed the headshot in a first-person shooter or something like that where you need to work on your mechanics, your muscle memory. That's understandable. RTSes have a depth, I think, outside of the game that can be really engaging. That's another one of those things that, in our pre-pro[duction] period, that came up routinely.

We used to talk about it. We would talk to people in Korea who still go to the IGR [Internet Game Room] for an hour after work to just chat with their buddies that they've had for 20 years now. Like how insane is that? They'll just go and pay a dollar to get into that chat channel that their clan has and just BS about life and the game and it's like a World of Warcraft guild or something like that. The thing that really binds it is that sense of community, and that you have now a game that's lasted 20 years that has a shared experience and dialogue.

Like we grew up playing baseball, hockey, whatever, and you can usually find another kid who played that sport and have a shared dialogue about that common experience. And we're seeing that with StarCraft now. Where we remember aspects of the game, the exploits, the things that we can talk about and have a little laugh and it doesn't matter that you and I are only just meeting now, there's a bond there. We really hope, with the remaster, to unlock that for another generation. Keep it vital.

It's been strong for 20 years, there's no reason it shouldn't be strong for another 20.    As you were going back talking to folks who worked on the original and getting ready to put this together, what stories of the original development of StarCraft stood out to you?   I think it was the "oh, shit" moment when they went to E3 and realized that they had a top-down game -- and perspective was a thing now. And their game was not going to be able to compete with Age of Empires.

So it was like a paradigm shift, and they had to adapt in short order. They did it in like less than six months or something like that to get the game ready and make the release date. 

Because you have to understand how much aesthetics are part of the appeal of games, especially back then. I used to do that thing of turning the box over and really looking at the game to see if I wanted to buy it. Because we all knew the game art on the front was lying to us, making false promises.

Original StarCraft

So I think seeing [the StarCaft dev team] being reactive like that was a great lesson for us to apply even now as we are making some fundamental changes to the graphics engine and the input system. That we have to be equally reactive. And that's been the great thing about the PTR [Public Test Realm] with the community, is getting the game out there...and taking a few licks, admittedly.

StarCraft Remastered

But the community is so engaged, they know this game so well. Even if my APM is never going to be over 300 like a lot of these pro players, they're there and engaged and can articulate what we need to do to tweak it to remaster exactly what matters.

Thinking back to the original StarCraft, it feels like RTS games were legion in the '90s, then kind of faded away as everyone congregated around a few genre leaders. Does it seem like RTS is having a bit of a resurgence, here in 2017?

RTS is like my main genre, and I agree with you. And maybe to build on the dialogue of this, I think there's two things: I think like everything else, there's a fashionability of games. We go through cycles, just like music and fashion. And I think FPS had such a dominant run for a while.

But now, I think people are revisiting and reaffirming a lot of classic gameplay elements; like look at the Telltale games that are popular right now. Those types of point-and-click adventures and decision trees that were the foundation of games 30 years ago, are now coming back in a cool way, and getting kind of re-imagined.

In a lot of ways MOBAs are a reimagining of an RTS, I think, but obviously building out of an actual RTS engine owes to that.

  "We grew up playing baseball, hockey, whatever, and you can usually find another kid who played that sport and have a shared dialogue about that common experience. And we're seeing that with StarCraft now."

But the biggest lesson I've taken out of this is that there are -- like you were just touching on, kind of like enduring communities around certain games and genres where, they never left it. And to your point, if we were players that enjoyed the campaign and story moreso and got engaged there, we wanted the next story -- like you wanted Warcraft 4, you wanted StarCraft 2 to be out really quickly and then 3, 4, 5, 6.

And just to consume the game that way and kind of watch it evolve, whereas, with the level of play and time you've got to put into be really great at multiplayer StarCraft, you don't necessarily need a new one. Because then you've got to start over, there's going to be differences.

It's one of the things we see with SC and SC2, that they are different games. I don't like when people make the comparison that StarCraft got changed. They're different games. If there had been a second expansion beyond Brood War, then it would have been an evolution of StarCraft, but no, the teams sat down and made a new game that they thought would be the new exciting way to play an RTS. And you have dedicated communities around both.

Even as we look at our other games like Diablo 2 and Diablo 3, you get exactly the same thing, of people who swear it's the best game and they'll be damned if the other one tries to take the same credit. And they're all Blizzard fans, right? But whether it's music or cars, we kind of fall in love with a certain brand and enjoy that for what it is. Especially when it has a hold on your youth and that nostalgia and all those things. There's a reason that it then resonates with you for the rest of your life.

That, to me, is where we can leverage the fact that there's a bunch of dads that grew up playing this game that they love and their kid's starting to get old enough to play a game.

And if StarCraft Remastered looks beautiful enough, and maybe that kid then has a button that finds you a person to play against because everybody expects that in modern games, it will unlock the experiences and subtlety and nuance of being really great at StarCraft for a new generation.

Because it does have the muscle memory of micro, but there's also the deep understanding of strategy; it engages you on so many levels. StarCraft, I think, is really well-rounded in that respect and that's why, especially in Korea, you'll hear people say like, "That's the [game] that separates really good players from bad," because it pushes you on all levels.    I wonder, do you think there's room in the industry for more than a handful of RTS games? Is there room for something outside of StarCraft, and if so, what do you think that is?   Yeah, I think so. I'm excited to play Dawn of War 3. And even in the Blizzard family, Warcraft 3 is significantly different from StarCraft, StarCraft 2. So just right there within one company those are three pretty different experiences. Which, War 3 and Dawn of War have that in common where there's that hero class built into it and it kind of blurs the lines between the MOBA and the RTS. I believe in the evolution of game mechanics; that's what makes new experiences engaging, is having to learn those things and figure it out.

So I think that's where there is still room for growth and for other companies to explore the space. I think in any genre when you see people trying to carbon copy, it usually doesn't work out, right? There has to be some sort of originality, some sort of new mechanic or something like that that draws people in, beyond a great story, great aesthetic, and IP. In my opinion that's where someone could see something new and then not just be Blizzard or Relic or whoever in the industry. 

Is there much left to be mined, in terms of RTS design?

I hope there's still a lot there to be mined! My current task at hand is to make StarCraft accessible again and I think we've made the right choices for that to hopefully bring a bigger, broader appeal to it to help the state of RTSes in the industry and I hope at some point to unlock that as a future for me at Blizzard, is to help the evolution of RTS. 

Do you think there's any truth to the notion that MOBAs and mobile strategy games have taken up a lot of the audience, and in a sense expanded both the bounds and the reach of real-time strategy games?    Yeah, 100 percent. I don't disagree with anything you said. I think that's what also makes it exciting to have platforms that have an editor in them that let people unlock new games like that. China right now with Warcraft 3 has a stupendously vibrant modding community and mapmaking community. The stuff they're turning out over there is amazing and who knows? Any day now could be that next paradigm shift and what people love because somebody has created a new game with the world edit from War 3.

That to me is part of the --  What you would call an RTS. The machinations of our youth in the sandbox that are the editors.

We're constantly reminded by the best and the brightest from the game industry to return to your roots. Go play board games. Go play tabletop games. Do those things that have the fundamentals really well set and I think in a lot of ways, that's what your Brood War is. It has fundamentals that everybody can point at and understand and articulate about good game design and hopefully that means having them around and keeping them vital is a good way to challenge the next generation of really great game developers. 

In your own work on StarCraft Remastered, what have you seen the need to add? What features have you felt were most lacking in that game and how did you go about addressing those issues for a modern audience?   We jokingly called this game "Make It an Option Edition" at a certain point because there were so many of those things. And that was also where we kind of had to go back to our identity when we started making the game of what are we really setting out to do. It was to keep this thing a timeless classic, sort of.

[embedded content]

So we don't want to change gameplay. That's an option that could easily be done. We could make your control groups bigger. We could do a bunch of other things that would be a more modern mechanic and better quality of life, but it would shatter those things that I touched on earlier about the fact that you can only have these small control groups means you have to make some tough decisions about who you put together and who you micro, versus who just shows up to the battle because of the rally point and then you hope to get them involved before the end of it.

But to address your question of what did we want to add? Matchmaking was a huge one -- and an associated ladder. Everybody talks about how good they are. They can point at win-loss records but it's very easy to just manipulate that with your buddies or understand this is a channel I can go into and find matches that I'm going to win in.

So having a true, "Who's the best in the room?" and being able to use some algorithms and some text to prove it I think is going to be super exciting. Then extending the social experience -- Again the chat channels were such a big part. Getting to bring in some of our other features for whispering and your friends and all those types of things I think are a huge value add to the game.    And the last one and then I'll shut up, I know I talk too much.    Not at all!

The cloud is huge for us. So especially in Korea with folks playing in the game rooms. If you can get up from your computer and leave and come back and tomorrow you can jump back into the game with a save location in the campaign, that's huge.

Revamped stat and replay systems in StarCraft Remastered

Also because they've never had the campaign; it's never been localized before. The people we talk to are incredibly excited to finally get to unlock the campaign and that it won't matter where they play it from. All of your-   So in Korea, they never localized all the text and audio of the campaign?   The entire game is in English in Korea. That's another reason why we had to make it the "Options" edition, because they still -- most people want to still hear the confirmations in English, even if all the dialogue gets changed to Korean, because they're just so used to hearing the marines giving their confirmation orders and things like that. 

What if a player is colorblind, or has a hard time with a mouse and keyboard. Have you given any thought to making the game more accessible?   We do have two guys on the team that are colorblind, so that one has certainly come up. We have not dealt with eye tracking or something like that to help somebody control the game that has a physical disability to play. I believe somebody out there made an addon that might address that.

But yes, to me, that type of accessibility is different than watering down gameplay to make it for a more casual audience. I don't believe RTS will ever appeal to a non-hardcore audience. And I think that's okay. League has a massive following of the most hardcore people ever and that is still, I think, what the game industry's bread and butter is: hardcore players. The mobile market and online stuff may be a little bit more appealing to people that are casual because it's more accessible. But if you're going to have a gaming rig and the right paraphernalia to play a game properly, you're hardcore and we should be challenging you with depth of play that requires you to put the hours in. Again, when push comes to shove you can say, "I'm undeniably better than you at this because of these variables that add up to being good at it."   Well, in all the time you've spent going back over this game and putting it together again, what have you learned about the art of designing an RTS game that maybe other developers could benefit from learning from?    Perfect is the enemy.

It's a really simple concept. Brood War isn't perfect, it's far from it. It has plenty of flaws, it's the fact that it's a shit-ton of fun on top of being well-balanced, right? The perception of being perfectly balanced is a perception. Who knows? With guys like Flash out there, there still could be a time where somebody finds how to break the game and then we would have to make a balance change, right? In a hypothetical.

But that to me is what makes it fun. Makes it good to see a unit and know what the foil is and bring that out and decimate it. And if the other guy doesn't have his own counter in his back pocket, you're going to win the game because you've got that. It's important to have that, "I give a piece in order to take another piece away." That, to me, is the fundamentals of an RTS because you have a limited amount of resources and you've got to make those tough decisions on the fly, and the outcome of that is what makes it good or not.

If you can't learn from those mistakes and get better at it, then your game isn't good.