#gapfillers | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

yoomiii123 · 2 years

Text

Recollections - Chapter 6

Recollections is a collection of interconnected OneShots that span Jasper's life with Alice. They are in the same continuity, but can be read as stand-alones.

You can also find this fanfiction AO3 or FF.net.

Summary: An unexpected slip-up suddenly leads Jasper to consider an entirely different future. A future, without the Cullens. One, in which they both have red eyes [aka the time Alice slipped up and Jasper couldn't stop thinking about her with red eyes].

Timeline for this chapter: This takes place pre-twilight. Jasper and Alice have met five months ago and are currently living in a small cabin in the canadian woods, where they get to know each other better and Jasper tries to adapt to the vegetarian diet.

Word Count for this chapter: 4'322

Trigger Warnings: none

Rating: PG

---------

April 02, 1949 - Fort George QC.

Time moved faster in the peaceful calm of the Canadian wilderness. At least that’s what it felt like to me. Or maybe it was just that time passed so much faster when you had someone to spend it with. And Alice really knew how to spend time.

We had fallen into a comfortable routine of hunting, training, and relaxing in the cabin. Alice liked to delve into the future for a few hours every day, checking in on the Cullens. I spent most of that time reading. First, the books on local wildlife I had found on one of the dusty shelves in the bedroom, later the magazines and newspapers she brought home from her trips to town.

She visited Fort George about once a month to get a few necessities like candles, matches, or replacements for the clothing we ripped, and always brought home a few newspapers so we could keep up with whatever was going on in the world. There was nothing major of interest happening, but it passed the time.

Being up here in the quiet, with only her and my emotions around, helped me slowly regain control over my gift. As the months passed, it became easier to separate the emotions and though this came as a blessing at first, it gave the depression weighing on my mind newfound power as well. However, it never became overbearing like it had before, and I solely credited this to Alice.

Somewhere close by a group of deer passed me, and I thought about chasing them for a moment. Though I’d already forced myself to down more than I had ever had in one sitting of human blood, the acid at the back of my throat was still sizzling. This was normal, Alice had explained. Apparently, animals weren’t as filling as human blood. Between this, the foul taste, and the continued frustration of defeat every time I couldn’t finish my prey, I had been over it weeks ago.

To me, the idea of killing a human became more acceptable with every passing day but Alice was always so thrilled whenever I got back from a hunt. She’d sit in front of me for hours, examining my eyes closely to see how they changed. The muddy orange tinge they had taken on brought her unmeasurable joy. It was enough to dissuade me from pursuing the idea. At least for now.

This time, however, she was not waiting for me in front of the cabin.

Alarmed, I sped up, intently listening, and scouring the area for her emotions. When I finally found them, they were almost unrecognisable.

Her cheerfulness and hope were vanquished, overshadowed by something much heavier, much darker. She was deeply upset. Not upset like when I had pushed her away at first or when I pinned her to the ground during one of our training sessions. This was deep, ground-breaking, earth-shattering despair.

A single sob reached my ears, powerful enough to tear my body into pieces.

I didn’t slow down before reaching the door, storming into the dimly lit room. She was curled up on the rocking chair, her legs held tightly to her chest and her beautiful face hidden behind her knees. She sobbed again. I would have preferred to lose a limb.

“Alice?” I gently asked, as I approached her. She didn’t react. Panic rose inside of me. Had she been hurt? Had a nomad passed by while I was out? No, she would have seen that. But what else could have pained this delicate creature so much?

I sank to my knees in front of her and carefully lifted her head, examining every inch of her perfect face to ensure that she was not injured. Her skin was as flawless as ever, no signs of a tear or bite mark. But then—

I smelled it on her breath the moment I noticed her eyes. So used to the liquid gold, my brain had skipped over it at first. But now, with the enticing scent of human blood in my nose, I saw it. Familiar gold had turned into a painful amber, tainted by the influence of her victim’s blood.

She had slipped up, I realised. Alice, perfect little joyful Alice, had killed a human. And despair was choking her almost as badly as it used to claw at me. It was unbearable. And yet, just taking it away from her felt wrong.

“I-I didn’t want to… It just— It was so strong, I—,” she sobbed.

I couldn’t endure seeing her like this any longer. Without thinking twice, I wrapped my arms around her delicate frame and pulled her into my lap.

“It’s okay,” I found myself whispering as her hands grabbed my shirt, tearing the thin fabric. Her tiny body was shaken by her sobs. The pain bled straight into me. I swallowed the venom that was watering my mouth when she gasped for air, and clenched my jaw, silently sharing in her sorrow. Just holding her.

It took a while for her to recover. The light had long disappeared and it was pitch black in the cabin when I finally felt her despair slowly recede. It didn’t disappear, sorrow like that never just disappeared, but at least she was starting to calm down.

I gently ran my fingers up her back to her neck, searching for her alabaster skin. And when I finally found it, I tore down the barrier I had so carefully built up to separate my emotions from the outside world.

The remnants of her anguish hit me first but having regained control over my gift, it was an easy thing to dissipate them. But I didn’t stop there. Instead, I pulled forth all the hope, affection, love, and appreciation I had so graciously received from her over the past five months and pushed them into her tiny body.

She immediately responded to it, her muscles relaxing and her head finally lifting from my chest. “W-What is this?” she stuttered.

“Everything you gave to me over these past months. I thought it’s time I returned some to you.”

She sighed happily. “Why didn’t you tell me that you’ve got control over your gift again?”

I wanted to shrug my shoulders but immediately decided against it, realising that it would make Alice uncomfortable. “It didn’t seem important,” I admitted.

We fell silent again, until I finally found the courage to ask her. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”

Darkness fought for a hold on her emotions, but it couldn’t get past me. I was determined to keep her safe.

“I-I saw that you finished the newspaper and wanted to get you a new one but there— Just a few miles south, there was a hunter who had fallen off a cliff… There was so much blood. I didn’t want to. I wanted to be strong. For you. But the smell was so overwhelming. I couldn’t stop myself…”

I fought off another wave of shame and despair, but Alice stopped me before I could completely defeat them. “Don’t take it away. I want to feel it.”

I tensed. It was against every fibre of my being to let such a gentle creature feel this pain. But I couldn’t turn her down either. So, I let the darkness come, carefully re-introducing her to it by letting the emotions slowly seep through the invisible wall of positivity I had enveloped her in.

Her muscles tightened, and I could feel her fingers gripping the cotton of my shirt with renewed force.

“Is there a body we need to take care of?” I asked carefully without any judgement in my voice. How could I have blamed her for this? I had been thinking about doing the same for days now. It somehow just had never occurred to me that she—

Alice interrupted my thoughts by shaking her head, tickling my neck with a few stray strands of her spiky hair. “They won’t find him until the ice on the Bay has melted,” she said.

I nodded. She had taken care of things.

I was taken aback by how much this surprised me. Of course, she knew how to dispose of a body, she was a vampire after all. Still, she had always made animal blood seem like the natural choice for her. I just had never imagined her with red eyes. But now, as we fell silent and she rested her head against my chest once more, it was all I could think about.

xxxx

Alice’s cheery disposition was clouded for a few more days and I noticed that she meticulously avoided the bathroom mirror and all other possibly reflective surfaces. She dodged my eyes as well. I wasn’t sure if it was because she still felt like she had let me down or because the colour of my eyes reminded her of hers. The fact that she accompanied me on all my hunts, almost drowning herself in animal blood, supported both.

I didn’t dare to ask, not wanting to bring back the painful memory.

To my relief, she eventually recovered and five days after the incident, there was no trace of the kill left in her eyes or emotions. The only change remaining was the fact that she spent more hours rigidly sitting on the floor in front of the rocking chair, resting her back against my legs and combing through the future.

I had asked her about what she was seeing once because I sensed an unusual commotion in her emotions; disappointment, fear, worry, and helplessness flashing quickly after each other before disappearing altogether. Alice just shrugged it off and changed the topic. I hadn’t asked again, but the turmoil recurred every time she turned her eyes to the future for more than just a few minutes.

It was churning her feelings right now.

I sighed and lowered my book, looking down at the top of her head. Alice had done everything to put her slip up behind her, even torched the dress she was wearing that day. Meanwhile, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The image of her with red eyes had burned itself into my brain and I saw it whenever I closed my eyes.

From the moment she had first told me about animal blood, it had been a certainty that I was going to become a vegetarian too. That my eyes would turn golden just like hers, and that we would join another coven within the decade—or even sooner. Alice had been getting more frequent visions of us meeting them just a few days before the incident. It was a sign of the event getting closer, she had said.

But now, with the image of her with perfect ruby eyes so vividly painted by my imagination, another possibility had formed inside my head.

I had had doubts about animals even before tasting their poor substitute blood for the first time. And the last months had only confirmed that this lifestyle was not for me. Compared to the revolting taste and unquenchable thirst, killing suddenly didn’t seem as bad anymore.

Sure, I still remembered the crushing weight of death but being around Alice would make it tolerable. I was confident in that assessment. And even though I hadn’t talked to her about it yet, I was almost certain that she wouldn’t mind it either. A lot of her reaction the other day was due to her feeling like she let me down, she had admitted that.

I could see it clear as day now. No limiting ourselves to one place at a time nor silently suffering through painful thirst as we tried to blend in with humans. Instead, we could travel. Maybe even spend some time with Peter and Charlotte. There were so many countries she had talked about. We would have to leave out the South and Italy, but other than that, the world would be hers. I could see us visiting cities by night and spending time in lush forests during the day. Crossing the Atlantic to Europe. Maybe even climbing a few mountains.

But there was one thing that kept me from sharing this idea with her.

I leaned forward to get a better look at the drawing she had been working on before disappearing into the future. It wasn’t a specific scene like countless others before. Instead, the five portraits were randomly scattered on the page. The Cullens. Would she be able to let them go?

As if she had heard my thoughts, an immense pain blossomed in Alice’s tiny body. The force of the unexpected emotion hit me like a battering ram before I could take any preventative measures. My body stiffened and my mind was wiped blank for a second. Then, I finally caught myself and got the situation under control.

Alice started shuffling at my feet, but the unsettling sentiments didn’t disappear. Instead, shock and hysteria mixed with her paralyzing fear and the heart-breaking grief. Whatever she had seen, it couldn’t be good.

“No. No. No, no, no, no, no...”

I had been so preoccupied with protecting myself from her sudden outburst that I hadn’t even noticed that she started mumbling. The same word, over and over again. An endless stream of denial, irregularly interrupted by her sobbing.

“What did you see?” I asked, carefully placing a hand on her shoulder. The touch only intensified her effect on me, but I still hesitated to intervene. Emotions were a private thing, and I didn’t want to intrude. Not, if she wanted to feel this.

She winced as if my hand had burnt her and was on the other side of the room before I could react, frantically pulling at her hair.

“Alice, what’s going on?” I repeated my question, but she didn’t respond again. She was completely trapped, blinded by whatever terrifying thing she had seen.

I didn’t want to, but I had to. If she had seen danger coming, I needed to know. Immediately. And so, I took a firm hold on her emotions and pushed the darkness away, soothing her with all my might.

Alice blinked, disoriented. Dazed by the sudden emptiness inside of her.

“Tell me what you saw,” I repeated once more, approaching her. She needed to get away from the window. If someone was coming, they would—

“They’re going to turn us down!” she shrieked, and I groaned under the renewed wave of panic she was summoning. I was able to keep it away for now, but if she continued to get herself worked up like this, I would reach my limits pretty soon.

“Alice, I need you to calm down,” I panted.

A new sliver of worry, this time directed at me, demanded passage into her heart. I let it through.

“I-I’m sorry Jasper, this is all my fault,” she sobbed and hid her face behind her hands. Our vampiric nature robbed her of the tears but that didn’t make her crying any less painful.

I had to make a decision before her emotions became too much and overtook me as well. And so, I hesitantly let go of her sorrow and sadness, limiting myself to keeping the panic as far away from her as possible. Another tearless sob cut through the air as the emotions returned to her. It formed a big knot in my stomach.

I reached her before the next cry could escape her throat and wrapped my arms around her tiny body, unable to believe that I was consoling Alice again. The second time this week. Alice, the endless array of sunshine and hopefulness that had managed to pull me from the darkest pits of my depression. Alice, who never once looked at me without a smile on her lips. That smile was now gone, replaced by a deep frown she hid in the soft fabric of my shirt.

“Are we in danger? Is someone coming?” Her previous outburst made me suspect that this wasn’t the case, but I needed to be sure. I couldn’t concentrate on her fully, not until I knew we were safe.

“No.” Her answer was little more than a breath, muffled by the cotton, but my sensitive ears picked it up anyway.

I let my shoulders relax. At least her body would come to no harm. But her mind… That was an entirely different beast to tackle.

xxxx

I waited for a couple of hours, until the panic was no longer fighting my hold and stretching out its invisible claws in Alice’s direction, before I asked her again. “What did you see?”

The question evoked another sob, but it was more subdued than before. I suspected that her body simply lacked the strength to produce a more intense reaction right now.

“The Cullens,” she finally whispered. “They’re turning us down.”

The revelation hit me right in my gut. Not strong enough to make me double over but more than sufficient to spread a nauseating sensation throughout my whole upper body.

Even though I had thought about an alternative way forward, there still was a side in me that longed for the peaceful happy ending she had promised on that rainy day in Philadelphia. A side that ached for the warm joy she always experienced when talking about what our life with the Cullens would be. It had been those emotions, that hope, that made me follow her on the first day. Losing it, would have meant losing her just a few weeks ago. But that was no longer the case.

I had spent days thinking of a different future with her. And frankly, I did no longer care what this future held in store. As long as Alice was in it, I would be fine.

“And then?” I asked. “What happens after that?”

Alice lifted her head from my chest, staring at me from her dark ochre eyes. “What do you mean ‘what then’? They turn us down, Jasper!”

I soothed the panic that developed inside of her. If we were going to talk about this, it needed to be in a calm, rational way.

“I know. I just wondered if you saw what happened afterwards.”

She freed herself from my arms and took a step back. “You don’t understand. There is no afterwards. Our family is gone and… and I— I’m the reason for it.”

Her body started to tremble again, and I didn’t dare to interfere with her sadness. Not yet at least. Instead, I opted to distract her. “Tell me what exactly it is you saw. Why do they turn us away?”

She threw her hands in the air, frustration oozing from her pores and immediately overtaking the sadness. It was not the win I wanted, but I'd take it.

“I don’t know. The process is still too uncertain right now, but the outcome is clear. They turn us away," she said.

I sighed and took a seat on the couch to our right.

Alice observed me for a moment, before pulling the rocking chair closer and sitting down opposite me. “It started to flicker after the— incident. First, I thought it was them moving again that caused the vision of our meeting to falter but then— I had red eyes in this vision, Jasper. They were always golden before. Now they’re red and the Cullens are turning us away."

I sent her a wave of calm before replying. “I don’t think this is your fault. I’ve been thinking about it and… What if this is not an accident but our decision? What if we just decide to go back to normal? To live our immortal lives like they are supposed to be lived?”

Her eyes widened. “That’s not an option, Jasper.”

“What if it was?” I had expected her to be apprehensive at first. She had lived with the idea of being with the Cullens, pursuing a vegetarian lifestyle as she liked to call it, for many years. It was only natural for her to be hesitant.

“You know that I’ve been struggling. This whole animal blood thing is not working out for me. I am thirsty all the time and feeding only makes me feel sick for hours. Yesterday, I missed half of what you told me about New York because my mind fantasised about the masses of people and how no-one would notice one or two of them disappearing,” I continued. “I don’t want this to be our life.”

She reached for my hands and sent a shiver of consoling sentiments up my arm. “Jasper, I—”

I cut her off. “You said it yourself, this isn’t going to get better any time soon. I don’t want to spend our first decades together in constant pain, always thirsty and thinking about how I’ll kill the next unfortunate human soul that crosses our path. I don’t want you to worry about whether we’ll get too close to one of them. Blaming yourself if you don’t see it early enough.”

Alice was waiting to protest, I could see it in her eyes, sense it in her bones. But I didn’t let her get this far.

“You would blame yourself, I felt it that day in Philadelphia.”

Her disapproval subsided but she still pulled her lips into a pout.

“We don’t have to do this to ourselves. I’m not looking forward to the killing but if that’s what it takes, I’ll gladly take it. It would be different, I know I can take it if you’re by my side. We—”

This time it was her that interrupted me. Her voice was soft, airy and crystal clear yet laced with a painful undertone that pierced my marble skin as if it were butter.

“But it wouldn’t, Jasper. I’ve seen it.” She gently squeezed my hands. “I’m sorry that I pushed this on you without explanation. It wasn’t right, this should have been your choice from the beginning. But it is the only choice.”

I could sense that she was scared to continue, deeply upset by the memories of past visions she was undoubtedly thinking about.

“I’ve been getting more and more visions about it lately, probably because you’ve been pondering it,” she explained. “I’ve seen us with red eyes. I’ve seen me trying to help you, console you. It’s not enough. No matter what I do, no matter how much I love you, I cannot protect you from incorporeal feelings that are as untouchable to me as the air itself.”

I shuddered from the darkness that flooded her emotional compass. So much grief. “What did you see?”

“If we go down this path, there is no future for us. It has been changing, sometimes it’s just a few months away, sometimes decades. But all the visions, all the futures I see of us with red eyes end with you helplessly drowning in depression and me being alone again.”

She gently placed a hand on my cheek and forced me to look into her eyes. “I’m afraid of being alone again, Jazz. I can’t do it anymore.”

The pain in her words urged me to pull her close, to put my arms around her and protect her from whatever horrors she had seen. But how could I protect her from something a future version of myself would inflict?

“So this is it?” I muttered. “The die has been cast? Fate has spoken? The only path for us to be together is animal blood?”

“My visions can change, you know that,” she admitted. “It’s possible that we will find a loophole somewhere down the way, but the chances are slim. And I’m not willing to take these odds. Plus, I really love the Cullens and I know you will too.”

I sighed. The picture of her ruby red eyes slowly dissolved in my mind and took with it all the hopes I’d had for an easier future. Perhaps, this was how it was always meant to be. I had spent a good part of my second life inflicting pain on thousands of creatures, vampire and human alike. Maybe it was only fair that I lost a few decades of the third one to pain as well.

“What do you think?” she asked cautiously.

I raised an eyebrow and looked at her. “Does it even matter? Your visions don’t leave much of a choice.”

“It does to me. This is our future, we’re talking about. Whatever we do, I want us to decide on it together.”

I sighed and closed my hands around hers. “I want us to be together for as long as possible. And if the only way to achieve that is by forcing myself to drink animal blood for the rest of my immortal life, I will do that.”

A smile danced on Alice’s lips just as hope and affection were waltzing inside her heart. I had made her happy and that was all I cared about.

However, the joy didn’t fully reach her eyes yet. She was still holding back. “And the Cullens?”

I chuckled. “Being with them will make you happy, won’t it?”

She nodded determinedly.

“Then being with them will make me happy too.”

That was all it took. The last ounce of doubt lifted from her and joy flooded every single cell of her body. A small, elated shout escaped her throat as she pushed herself from the rocking chair and straight into my lap.

I shouldn’t have been surprised by her reaction, having sensed the emotional build-up seethe beneath her skin. Still, I found myself overwhelmed by the sudden outburst of affection, unsure of what the best course of action would be.

But Alice didn’t give me time to overthink it. Instead, she wrapped her arms and legs around my upper body, embracing me tightly and showering me in emotions that would have immediately intoxicated even the most resolved man. She had no intention of letting go anytime soon. And I didn’t want her to.

#jalice #jasper hale #alice cullen #canon compliant #twilight canon #jalice canon gapfiller #twilight canon gapfiller #pre-canon #jasper x alice #jalice fanfic #jalice fanfiction #twilight fanfiction #twilight renaissance #Recollections

20 notes · View notes

yoomiii123 · 2 years

Text

Recollections - Chapter 10

Recollections is a collection of interconnected OneShots that span Jasper's life with Alice. They are in the same continuity, but can be read as stand-alones.

You can also find this fanfiction AO3 or FF.net.

Summary: New pieces of Jasper's past come to light when an unassuming round of questions suddenly turns personal [aka Alice and Jasper discuss Maria for the first time].

Timeline for this chapter: This takes place in Alice and Jasper's first year together, pre-twilight. They spent their first months as companions in a small cabin near Fort George, QC, before moving on to an old Cullen house near Lake Minchumina in Alaska. They have slowly grown into a couple, however there is still much that is unspoken between the two. Especially, regarding their pasts.

Word Count for this Chapter: 2'893

Trigger Warnings: none

Rating: PG

---------

May 07, 1949 - Lake Minchumina, AK.

“What’s your favourite colour?”

I paused and lifted my gaze from the neat stack of firewood I was assembling around a few sheets of crumpled newspaper.

Alice was sprawled out on the couch behind me, her upper body propped up on her elbows, head bent, and eyes curiously fixated on the pages of a magazine she had found while looking for something to get the fire started. Her delicate curves drowned in the button-down she had stolen from my back a few hours ago. Still, she was the most beautiful creature I’d ever seen.

“Green,” I replied, forcing my eyes away from the daring way in which her long pale limbs contrasted with the dark brown leather beneath her. The sound of turning pages scraping against the backrest filled the room again, and I had almost forgotten about her curious inquiry when she suddenly spoke up again.

“When’s your birthday?”

I quickly lit a match and tossed it into the chimney, watching how the flames immediately engulfed the paper, before getting up and moving to her side.

Alice turned onto her back as she heard me approach, smiling while her emotions greedily tried to get a hold of mine. Just as the fire hungrily reached for the wood.

“What’s with these questions?” I asked, placing a hand on the backrest, and bending down to kiss her.

She reached for me too, however, my fingers found paper before her lips touched mine and I pulled away again, taking the magazine with me. It naturally opened on the page she had been looking at, and neither her annoyed protest nor the sudden wave of frustration were able to stop me from reading it now.

“120 questions to ask him: From first meeting to happily ever after,” I quoted the title, trying my best to subdue my amusement. Still, I couldn’t withhold a smirk as my eyes drifted over the questions. What’s your favourite meal? Where do you see yourself working in five years? How many kids do you want?

“Give it back, Jasper!” she protested again, leaving her spot on the sofa in an attempt to get the magazine back.

But thanks to our height difference, all I had to do was hold it above my head to get it out of her reach. “I’m not sure this applies to our situation, Alice.”

She didn’t care much, lunging for my arm and putting all her weight on it until I had to give in and lower it. Snatching the pages from my hands, she immediately hid it behind her back and tossed me a triumphant smile. “Ha! Got it!”

I just shook my head and returned to the fire. The flames had now taken a firm hold and I could place a few thicker pieces of wood into the chimney. Alice wasn’t far behind, looking at me with big eyes and a pleading face, waving the magazine. “Humour me?”

I turned to her with a headshake. How could I refuse that smile? “Two conditions.”

“Conditions?” she repeated, elegantly sliding onto the couch again. This time, however, she shifted to one side, leaving enough space for me to join her.

I did without hesitation, revelling in the purity of her emotions that warmed my skin when she snuggled up to my side. “I get to ask questions too. And we forget about this stupid magazine and make up real questions.”

“These are real questions,” she argued.

I rolled my eyes and ran a hand through her hair. It was smooth against my skin despite its spiky appearance. “Fine, waste your time with them if you want to. But I’m going to stick to my own.”

Her smile widened. “I’ll start!”

To my displeasure, she sat up and started to hurriedly flicker through the magazine pages, leaving me missing her presence next to me. Still, I waited patiently until she finally returned to the title page and shifted her eyes to mine. “What is your favourite past-time?"

I reached out and gently pulled her back to my side, wrapping an arm tightly around her waist so she couldn’t escape anymore. “Other than spending time with you? Reading, probably.”

“I already knew that!” she protested. “You have to tell me something I don’t know.”

“That’s not how this game works, Alice. And I warned you that the article wasn’t useful.” Her irritation quickly disappeared as I placed another kiss on her hair. “My turn now… What are your favourite flowers?”

“I really liked the white ones we found on that field down in Maine,” she replied after a moment, burying her face against my shoulder. “I’m sorry, I don’t really know a lot of different flowers. And even if I did, I wouldn’t know their names.”

I gently ran a hand down her back, soothing the small disturbance I had unintentionally caused. “That’s okay. We’ll figure it out another time. I could take you to a flower shop once I’ve got my thirst under better control.”

Alice’s eyes sparkled as she turned her head to look at me. “That would be lovely.”

“Then we will do it. But for now, go ahead, ask the next question.”

She tossed the magazine another look before shoving it off the couch and returning her gaze to me. “What’s your favourite emotion?”

“See, much better than a stupid human magazine, isn’t it?” I replied, kissing her nose, and evoking a giggle from deep within her belly. “Joy.”

“Joy?”, she echoed. “Not love?”

“No. Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to be a very happy man if I’m allowed to feel your love for the rest of my life. But love is conditional. It always asks for something in return. Joy doesn’t. It just is.”

Alice mused on my thoughts for a moment, absent-mindedly tracing the scars on my left arm. “Guess it’s a good thing then, that I’m very happy right now.”

“It is.” I lifted my head to place my lips on hers. Alice reciprocated the kiss immediately, her hands running up my face and into my hair. However, I pulled back before something more could become of it. After all, it was my turn to ask a question now.

“Who’s your favourite Cullen?”

The smile on her lips petrified as she stared at me with big eyes. “You can’t ask me something like that, Jasper! I love all of them.”

“I know. But come on, you must have a favourite. Who are you looking forward to meeting the most?” I teased, gently brushing a finger over her cheek.

Alice sighed and buried her face in my neck. “It’s mean to make me pick.”

I chuckled. “Well, it’s a good thing then that you love me, right?”

There was a commotion inside of her, I could sense it. The lack of confusion and splash of resolve told me that there was someone. But insecurity, shame, and her nerves stopped her from sharing it. At least for now.

I didn’t interfere, leaving her to sort out the emotional tug-of-war herself. Smirking, when resolve finally gained the upper hand. “Edward,” she admitted. “And don’t you dare tell this to anyone! Or think about it around him!”

“Edward? That’s interesting.”

She lifted her head again, curious amber eyes meeting mine. “Why?”

“I haven’t really given any thought to the question myself— you know how I feel about meeting them. But Edward would definitely be last on my list. I’m not particularly looking forward to having someone spy on my thoughts.”

“Just like they probably are not looking forward to someone sensing their emotions; or seeing their future.”

There was no way to deny it, she was right. But that didn’t change the fact that Edward worried me. And hearing that Alice was so eager to meet him, didn’t alleviate my concern in the slightest. “Point taken. Still, he’s dangerous.”

“Not as dangerous as you are,” she returned immediately. And she was right again. There was no way I was going to allow Edward—or anyone else—to hurt her. But I knew that this wasn’t her main concern.

Despite our previous argument, Alice still wasn’t one to worry about her safety. Especially not, when it came to the Cullens—a circumstance that only became more damning with the ever-increasing number of visions regarding us meeting them. It was getting closer. I could feel it.

“… Jasper, Edward and I are going to be very close friends and I would really appreciate it if you at least got along.” I had tuned her out for a second as my mind trailed off. Luckily, I was still able to catch the main gist of what she was trying to say.

“I’ll give my best. For you,” I promised, plucking her hand from my chest and closing my fingers around it. It satisfied her.

“Good! I believe it’s my turn now?”

I nodded, forcing my concerns regarding the looming Cullen-meeting back into the corner of my brain where they had been festering for weeks.

“What’s your favourite human memory?”

Her question quickly obliterated any thoughts I had been having, pulling my full attention towards her in an iron grip. Memories. That was a dicey subject for both of us.

Except for the few details I had shared and her heart-wrenching confession regarding her lost human life, we had refrained from discussing our pasts. Alice obviously felt like there wasn’t much to tell on her side and I didn’t push her, not wanting to re-open the dark hole of loneliness that imprisoned her first years. A similar reasoning had kept me from sharing too much about myself as well. There was nothing pretty to find in my past and I didn’t wish to soil her brightness with blood, smoke, and war.

I didn’t feel like ruining the moment either, so I tried my best to brush it off without lying to her. “I don’t have many left. There was no real reason to hold on to the past after I was turned. I guess I just forgot about the majority of it.”

But Alice didn’t let the topic go. “What do you remember?”

I hesitated, yearning for the comfortable lightness this conversation had had just a few minutes ago. I didn’t want this. But maybe it was time for it. If we were to meet the Cullens soon, she would have to know. At some point, they all would. I felt sick at the thought. How could they not throw us out after learning the truth?

“Jasper?” I blinked, only to find that she had sat up. A concerned crease had appeared on her forehead.

“Sorry, I trailed off,” I explained and sat up as well, smoothing out her skin with my thumb. “I still remember the night Maria, Nettie, and Lucy found me very clearly. Beyond that, it’s just small glimpses.”

“Nettie and Lucy? There were more? I always thought Maria was the one that turned you.”

1920, I reminded myself. That was decades after their failed attempt to dethrone Maria. Decades after I had killed them. “She was. But there were two more grown vampires with her when she found me. Nettie and Lucy.”

Alice’s hands reached for mine that had been absentmindedly trailing the side of her face. “Will you tell me about it?”

“I can if you want to hear it. But this is not the happy memory you asked for.”

“That’s okay,” she replied, gently caressing my forearm with her left hand while her right intertwined our fingers. As if she knew, I wasn’t fully comfortable sharing this.

I drew a breath, trying to figure out where to start. “This happened at the time of the first battle of Galveston. I was a Major in the Confederate Army back then, in charge of evacuating all the women and children. We had—”

“You were in the army?” Alice interrupted. “That explains a lot.”

I raised an eyebrow. However, she didn’t elaborate. So, I just continued. “I was. I signed up just a few weeks before my seventeenth birthday. Luckily, I was tall enough to pass for twenty.”

“Why did you do it?”

“To get away, mostly. I don’t remember the details now, but I recall that I was afraid of being a burden for my family. Plus, everyone was enlisting back then, so it felt like the right thing to do.”

She nodded slightly. “Sorry for interrupting.”

“That’s okay. Where were we? Ah, the battle. Yes. I had accompanied the first group of civilians to Houston and was on my way back to camp when I came across them just a few miles outside the city. They were on foot; I thought that they had possibly fallen behind.”

“Maria, Nettie, and Lucy,” Alice whispered.

“Yes. My horse knew that something was off. Its flight instincts were going wild, and I had a hard time making it stand still. Looking back, I should have known better. It was a good horse, trustworthy. But I had been raised to never turn down a woman in need. Especially not during wartime.

“I remember marvelling at their beauty, the way their pale skin reflected in the moonlight. They were talking among each other. I didn’t really understand it back then, but I realised later that they were discussing whether I was supposed to be their next meal or a new recruit.

“My instincts told me to run like my horse had at some point. But I couldn’t, not as Nettie and Lucy left and not as Maria told me that she hoped I would survive. I thought she was about to kiss me when she went in for the bite.” I chuckled at my own naivete.

When I looked up, I found a mixture of pain and affection reflected on Alice’s face. I gently pulled her closer, peeling the pain off and pushing it as far away as I could. She let herself melt into my arms, resting her head against my shoulder again. “That’s the last thing I remember about my human life. The way she leaned over and sunk her teeth into my neck.”

“Why did they leave? Lucy and Nettie, I mean,” Alice inquired.

“I didn’t ask but seeing that Maria was usually the one that turned the newborns, I would guess that they just didn’t have the same self-control she had. I remember Lucy saying something about her killing them twice as often when they were talking about me.”

I gently brushed her hair with my lips. She was calm now, just curious. I had been able to keep the troubles away.

“What happened to them? I never saw them in my visions. It was always just you and Maria.”

I could tell from the way she spoke her name that Alice didn’t hold much fondness for my creator in her heart. No wonder, the time she had seen had been a difficult one for us. Maria was preparing to end me. And I was getting ready to do the same to her.

“We killed them,” I admitted. “I could sense that they were starting to turn away from us. My loyalty lied with Maria, so I reported it to her. She always was a good judge of character and an even better strategist. It only took her a few days to realise that they were plotting against her. We struck before they could even start to formulate any concrete plans.”

Alice nodded silently, her fingers lingering on a particularly nasty bite on my right forearm, one of the few that wasn’t the result of battle. The bitter sting, I first noticed when she spoke Maria’s name, was still festering inside of her. I wondered if she knew.

“It was just you two after that?” she asked.

“And a dozen or so newborns.”

Alice didn’t react. Her eyes were still locked on my skin, unmoving.

I gently put two fingers under her chin, lifting it so I could look into her eyes. “What’s bothering you?”

“I just don’t understand why you stayed with her for so long. I saw how she treated you,” she sighed, still avoiding my gaze.

It was my time to sigh now. “What you saw was the end of a very long period of time. It wasn’t always like that.”

“Did you love her?” She was finally looking at me now.

“No,” I replied without hesitation. “There were a lot of things between Maria and me, but love was never one of them.”

Alice’s eyes trailed off again.

“Maria was grieving, when she turned me,” I added.

Her gaze snapped back to me.

“I was ravenous in the beginning. Angry enough to start a fight if someone gave me as much as a wrong look. I had no idea how to control my gift, soaking up the other newborns’ emotions like a sponge. It drove me mad. I’m lucky that my instincts and speed kept me alive during those first days…

“Maria was pleased with me, despite constantly having to replace the newborns I destroyed. Blood was a common reward back then, and she took me out to hunt quite often. I think it was about a month after I turned when I noticed that my enthusiasm for hunting always diminished when she came to get me. Three more months before I could put a name to what she was feeling, and almost two years before I finally dared to ask her about it.

“Back then, I couldn’t comprehend the pain she was experiencing as she told me about how she lost her coven, her mate, and her home to the Arizonians.” My fingers squeezed Alice’s and my voice took a softer tone, as I now spoke directly to her. “I do now.”

The corners of her mouth twitched upwards ever so slightly. But it still felt like a small victory.

“Maria was completely transparent with me that night. She told me about her past, her loss, and her plans. And I believed every word she said. The next morning, she put me in charge of the others and asked me to give her an army. And I did. I never really second-guessed her after that, not until Peter and Charlotte. Our relationship wasn’t the same then,” I explained. “That’s the part you saw.”

Alice nodded slightly and her eyes returned to the scar on my forearm which she hadn’t stopped circling the whole time. It could only mean one thing. “You saw that, didn’t you?”

She nodded again.

I sighed. “Look. Maria and I— that was all about power. Her power over me, my power over her, our power over whatever territory we currently held. And yes, that power might have drawn us together at times but that had nothing to do with love. She made me do a lot of things I’m not proud of, and I enabled her to achieve a few things she probably would have been better off without too. That’s all there is.”

Alice’s fingers halted. “Do you think she’ll come looking for you?”

“I doubt it,” I replied. “And even if she did, it wouldn’t change a thing. I couldn’t go back to that life. Not after knowing that there was another way.”

My answer didn’t elicit the reaction I had wished for. Her eyes were still focused on that damned piece of skin where Maria’s venom had left its mark.

“Hey,” I said, gently pulling on our intertwined hands to get her attention. “You have nothing to worry about. Especially not from her.”

“I just wish, you never had to go through all of that,” she sighed, gently squeezing my fingers. Her small frame was suddenly invaded by pity.

I gently squeezed back, removing that miserable sentiment before it could grow into something more. “You don’t have to be sorry for me, Alice. Despite everything, I don’t regret it.”

Her eyes were wide as she looked up at me. “You don’t?”

“No. If I hadn’t done what she asked me to, I wouldn’t be here today. I don’t regret a single fight, kill or purge. I lament the countless lives that were lost. The hate and bloodlust that run too deep for people like Maria to ever know peace. But I don’t regret my actions. It’s a different situation down there. I did what I had to.”

I pulled her hand closer and placed a kiss on her palm. “The only thing I do regret is not leaving sooner. I wish I had known what was waiting for me.”

“I wish you did too. But it’s okay. I’ll never regret waiting for you.”

I lowered my head and kissed her, inhaling the sweet trace of affection her words had left on her lips. Basking in the way her gentle fingers ran through my hair and caressed my scars. Shuddering under those loving hands that had put me back together. Nothing I had done nor anything I could do, would ever haunt me again. Not, if it brought me closer to her.

xxxx

It was a while before we finally pulled apart and I realised that we had let the fire die. “Enough about me. Let’s talk about you again,” I returned to our previous game as I crumpled up her magazine and threw it into the embers. “What’s your favourite city?”

“Philadelphia,” Alice replied. Her naked feet shuffled over the floor, and it wasn’t long until she had wrapped her arms around my neck from behind. She was pleased, undoubtedly due to the fact that my crouch allowed her to reach me so easily. “Obviously.”

I adored the small smirk that decorated her face as I looked up at her, despite not being satisfied by her answer. “Because that’s where we met?”

“Of course.”

I shook my head and placed a few smaller logs into the chimney. “That’s very cute, but it doesn’t count. What I wanted to know is your favourite place to be.”

She giggled and her warm breath teased my ear as she gave me her best impression of myself. “That’s not how this game works, Jasper.”

I quickly lit another match and threw it into the dark hole before turning to her. “Fine, you’re right. But can we still talk about it, please? There’s a reason for why I asked the question.”

Alice immediately picked up the serious undertone in my voice and the mischievous smile disappeared from her face. Instead, she sat down on the floor opposite me, crossing her legs in front of her. “Sure. What’s going on?”

“I think it’s time we left here. It’s already been too long; our scents are all over this place. But if we leave now, there still is a chance that they will have faded by the time you’ve seen the Denalis return.”

I sensed the disappointment before it reached her face. Still, it was unpleasant to look at.

“You’re probably right… It’s just— I really liked it here,” she admitted.

I took her hand into mine. “I know you did.”

Her eyes focused on the floor for another second. When they returned to me, the pain was gone, replaced by an eager shine. Excitement was tingling inside of her too. “So, where should we go? Something a little bit more south would be good, probably. This whole complete isolation thing obviously isn’t working out. Sure, there may be a few more accidents but I think actually being around humans and dealing with the temptation would be best. For both of us. Something on the West Coast maybe…”

She trailed off and had one foot in our future before I could intervene. “Wait, I— I actually already have an idea.”

Her eyes fluttered open, a curious amber staring at me. “You do?”

“Yes… I know you can’t wait to meet the Cullens and judging by your visions that’s probably going to happen pretty soon,” I started, hesitating to continue. I still wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. But if I was supposed to meet her family soon, I really wanted her to meet mine too. Or at least the closest thing I still had to one. “I would really like for you to meet Peter first.”

4 notes · View notes