#given what PM has already discussed in their games and works

[bernardmarx]

I hope when Limbus Company comes out all these people that kind of fantasize about the idea of such a company get hit full force with how prison systems can be and are usually severely corrupt and abusive. They are literally making the sinners do forced labor, and not only just physical, some of those abnormalities are doing pure and literal emotional damage. Like do people see it? Do they understand? I sure hope so but some of these people are scaring me, talking about how some sinners are animal-like to them. With how much some PM fans have proven they have no media literacy or reading comprehension I am just a litttttttle scared

[kurogane2512]

Lisa Birthday 2023

Character: Lisa x fem!reader

Type: Angst with happy ending

Happy birthday to Lisa once again! So much changed since the last birthday fic I wrote for her but she's still one of my top waifus in the game <3 I love her so much omg, I was so glad we got some Sumeru content on her and outfit is stunning!! I hope we continue to get more content on her, and even more affectionate content at that! <3

"Hey, Y/n. Thanks for taking over early today."

Wyratt spoke as you entered the Knights of Favonius HQ in order to begin your daily shift.

"No problem, happy to help."

You replied with a smile and walked over to the post outside of the Favonius Library, he spotted a gift box in your hand and smirked then leaned over to whisper, "Good luck~"

"H-Hey, stop it...!"

Wyratt chuckled then waved and walked out, making you sigh and turn to face the door of the library as you took a deep breath and readied yourself.

"I'll give this and tell her today...I will!"

You then opened the door and looked over at the librarian's desk to see Lisa standing in front of the table, she turned around almost too excitedly as if she was waiting for someone but calmed down when she saw it was you then smiled and walked closer.

"Oh my, isn't your shift rather early today, Y/n?"

"Y-Yes, Wyratt had some work so we changed earlier...."

"Hehe, I see~"

You smiled then walked closer while holding your hands behind your back, making Lisa curious as you fidgeted slightly before bringing your hands forward and holding a small bouquet of Cecilia flowers that you handpicked yourself in the morning along with a small gift.

"Happy birthday, Lisa."

Lisa's eyes sparkled and she smiled back softly then accepted your presents.

"Thank you very much, sweetheart. Oh, these flowers are lovely! Cecilias are my favorite~"

"Yes, I know. That's why I chose them...."

Lisa smiled then put the bouquet on the table before unwrapping the gift to find a book inside.

"Isn't this....the new novel from Fontaine that's a bestseller everywhere so much so that there are no more copies available for months? I haven't been able to get a single copy so far...."

Lisa's smile widened, "Thank you so much, darling. I don't even know how you were able to get it but I appreciate it a lot. I'll be sure to read it and discuss my thoughts with you~"

"S-Sure....Actually—"

You stopped mid-sentence as you glanced at her desk and saw 2 cups filled with tea and a plate of cakes kept on it, seemingly prepared for a guest.

"Hm, what is it?"

".....Were you expecting a guest?"

Lisa followed your eyesight towards the tea cups and sighed, "Hah~ I was. But I suppose it's pointless now...."

You thought for a moment then realized who she was referring to, "You mean the Traveller?"

"Yes....I sent him a letter some time ago asking him to stop by and visit for some time. I was expecting him to show up today considering the occasion but it's already past 9 pm now...."

You bit your tongue and averted your gaze, feeling slightly irritated.

"I see. Well, there's still a few more hours. Who knows he might show up any minute now~"

You mused with a fake smile, getting a small smile from Lisa in return. "Hehe, I'll hold onto that. Thank you once again for your wishes, Y/n."

You smiled and bowed then walked out of the library, giving her space to herself. You leaned on the wall and looked down in discontent, clenching your fists together then releasing them with a sigh.

"She has everything prepared for his welcome....I should have known. Why did I even think I stand a chance? I couldn't even confess now....For her, it's always him...."

Indeed, you had known for a long time that someone already occupied Lisa's heart the way she did yours. You remembered back to your first day here, a newly appointed Favonius Knight given the night shift to guard the library. You had heard of Lisa long before your appointment but never seen her since you weren't an avid reader and practically never visited the library; who would have guessed you would be given to guard it as your first duty after becoming a Knight.

And, who would have guessed you would come to fall in love with the very same mysterious librarian you had barely ever seen. The way she greeted you every morning before you left, the way she smiled, the way she laughed. The pleasant aroma from her tea and cakes would reach your nose even through the library door and you'd be lost in it. You had come to admire her bright and easygoing persona; she was the type of person liked by all of Mondstadt and everyone felt comfortable in her presence.

Children came to her library to read all sorts of books and she always made the effort to guide them, even sometimes holding group reading sessions for them. It was clear how much she loved books, there was something so endearing about her that you didn't even realize when you were drawn in. You'd hear parts of her conversations with different people through the door which enabled you to learn about her likes and dislikes, each of those things making her more endearing to you.

However, your position always made you uncertain. You were just a mere Visionless guard with minimal hobbies, you were not gifted in any way. You had worked hard day and night to be able to join the Favonius Knights; even then, you weren't strong enough to join the main divisions that were sent out on expeditions and monster exterminations hence you were assigned this guard duty. On the other hand, Lisa was a plethora of vibrant colors. 

Not only did she have a Vision but she was one of the top graduates of the esteemed Sumeru Akademiya, seemingly their best in the last 200 years. And her wisdom was very evident; you'd overhear her discussing so many different projects and theories with Albedo and Sucrose, speaking of terms you had never even heard of. Yet, despite all her skills and knowledge....she was the kindest and most loving person you had ever met.

You had come to realize you developed a liking to her, something that went much deeper than admiration but you never felt you deserved her. You were content with just watching her as she brightened up your life with the simplest of gestures...... Then came the day when she met her match, a person equally dazzling and gifted as her— a Traveller from another world with golden hair and unmatched power, rivaling even the Archons.

He instantly stood up against one of the legendary beasts of Mondstadt and was bestowed the title of Honorary Knight, a feat you couldn't even think of in your wildest dreams. He could even use elemental powers without a Vision, the difference between you two was clear as day. Then you noticed Lisa's behaviour around him. You initially thought she was just being kind considering his situation but it quickly became clear she meant more.

Their conversations always lasted long, he even became her apprentice for some time and learned various things from her— all the while you stood outside that same door every single day and simply heard her go about her life with him. You'd overhear her talking to Grand Master Jean about him, saying how she misses him and wishes he'd come to visit sometime. She took a trip to Sumeru and you found out she met him even there.

However, you had also learned something else. Despite how much she liked him and cared for him, it didn't seem like he thought the same. He never sent any letter or information about his travels; she would always find out from other sources. He had become famous all over Teyvat which meant he certainly made many companions along the way, who knows he might have even had some lovers every now and then.

This is where you felt you stood a chance; if he continued treating her the same way then perhaps, she'd move on from him and be open to someone else. In your eyes, she didn't deserve the way he treated her at all. You had found out that even on her Sumeru trip he barely spent any time with her despite her continued invites, you couldn't deny this angered you. She thought of him the way you thought of her, you would do everything in your power to make her happy. Yet....that happiness never came from you.

You stopped your recollection of the past and looked at the door, wondering if he'd really come. It was soon close to 11:30 pm and you felt sad for Lisa, how could he be so heartless? Still, you knew you couldn't blame him. He could be anywhere in Teyvat doing great things as usual while this lovely librarian waiting for him in hope and anticipation. 

It was now midnight and nothing changed, he didn't come. You wondered how Lisa was feeling, you wanted to go in and check up on her but held back. Some moments later, she herself walked out carrying some things and locked the library before glancing at you with a smile.

"Well, I'll be going now. Too bad he couldn't find the time to come, maybe I'll read about his great doings in a newspaper soon. I'll see you tomorrow, Y/n, and thank you once again~"

You smiled and bowed and watched her walk out of the building then you clenched your fist and punched the wall behind you, feeling frustrated.

"That look in her eyes....she was crying. I'm sure she was crying because he didn't even come to wish her on her birthday! What kind of Honorary Knight is he to make a woman cry like that! Dammit! She doesn't deserve this at all!"

You stomped your foot and leaned back on the wall, feeling helpless deep within.

"....I woke up early morning and spent hours picking up those flowers, even had to fight some Hilichurls and injured myself. Not to mention, for the book I....No, I shouldn't think this way. I was hoping for her to move on but....I'm the one who needs to let go here. There's no point in this...."

The next morning came and your shift changed before she came in, feeling slightly relieved you wouldn't have to see her so soon. An hour after you left, Lisa came in and brewed some tea in Jean's office as the two of them sat down together to have breakfast.

"Lisa, are you okay?" Jean asked out of concern, she could tell Lisa wasn't feeling fine.

"Yes...I just....I just wish he came."

"Honorary Knight? Did he not even send a letter wishing you like Collei did?"

"No, nothing...."

"Lisa....I'm so sorry. I know how much you like him..."

"It's okay, Jean. I suppose I was holding onto false hope and having the wrong expectations. I know he is busy and has no time for a mere librarian like me, I'll just try to....think of him less from now on."

Jean sighed and nodded then went back to looking at the documents on her table.

"What are you looking at, Jean?" Lisa asked.

"Ah these are just the vacation details of all our Knights. Since it's summer now so everyone applies for leaves but I can't send all of them away at the same time so I have to schedule their duties."

Lisa hummed and glanced at some of the papers when her eyes fell upon your name and she pulled the paper towards herself.

"Oh, is this about that week-long vacation Y/n took last month? Did she give any reason for it?"

"All I know is that she went to Fontaine to get something; something quite rare apparently considering she went all the way there for a week."

Lisa suddenly recalled last night when you gave your gift to her, a famous novel from Fontaine that had no copies in circulation anywhere else since last month. 

"Could she have....No, it can't be....Why would she....?"

"Now that you bring this up, I do wonder how her trip went." Jean suddenly spoke, making Lisa snap out of her thoughts.

"Hm? Why is that?"

"Well, Fontaine is a big nation, much bigger than Mondstadt and from what I know, she has never been outside of Mondstadt until now. Not even to Liyue. It must have quite difficult for her to visit a big and fast-growing city like that all alone. I really wonder what was so important there for her...."

Lisa looked away and pondered for some time before excusing herself and walking towards the library. She sat upon her desk and took out the book you had gifted last night then began reading it. She was too lost in her feelings last night that she simply accepted it out of courtesy and didn't bother to go through it. As she read, she came across various notes you had attached inside on some sections that you found interesting, mentioning your own thoughts on them.

She smiled as she read your opinions and realized how much she agreed with them, mentally noting down several points to discuss with you later. She read through the book with such enthusiasm and excitement that she finished it by evening, only stopping for tea break and some walks in between. She reached the final page and found the last note from you, quickly opening it with curiosity only to be extremely surprised at its contents.

"Dear Ms Lisa, congratulations on completing the book! I knew you would read it till the end. I hope you liked it and that it was how you expected it to be. It was the first time I read such a long book but I enjoyed it very much, I'd love to take some book suggestions from you whenever you have time!"

She smiled to herself and was about to close the book until she realized there was another page to the note.

"My apologies for saying it this way but I couldn't think of a better way. I love you, Ms Lisa. I love you very much, a lot more than you can gather through this. I know you'd expect one to be brave enough to say it directly but I don't think I can. I just wanted to let you know how much you mean to me; ever since I was appointed here, you brightened up my life like nobody else. I came to cherish every little moment I got to experience of you, be it with or without me."

"You are very beautiful and kind, and I wish you an eternity of happiness with the person you love. You don't have to feel obliged to reply to me, I do have an idea of what you'd say and it's okay. I just wanted you to know I'm always here for you and will support you, be it as a friend or just another guard. I'm just glad I got to meet you and fall in love with you, it was one of the best feelings I have ever had. Thank you for coming to my life."

Lisa's mouth hung open and eyes widened as she almost dropped the book. She composed herself and kept the book aside then looked down and pondered deeply.

"Look how negligent I have been....All this time, I was chasing someone else when there was a person right beside me willing to do everything for me....And I barely spared any thought to her. She picked up those fresh flowers for the bouquet, I could tell by the quality. And then this book....going all the way to Fontaine for it...for me....."

She pinched the bridge of her nose then firmed herself, finally sorting out her feelings. She looked at the time and saw your shift was to begin soon hence stood up and went near the door to listen in when you would come in. Sometime later, she finally heard footsteps approaching followed by you and Wyratt exchanging greetings before he walked out and you took his post. She took a few deep breaths and thought what she'd say then was about to open the door but you opened it before her, catching her off guard.

"O-Oh, I'm sorry I didn't realize you were there, Ms Lisa. I hope you didn't get hurt."

You asked with genuine concern as she gazed in your love-filled eyes, feeling lost in their depth.

"Ms Lisa? Are you okay?"

You asked again and all she could do was grab your hand and pull you inside by force before closing the door and pinning you on it, trapping your figure in her arms.

"M-Ms Lisa?!"

You exclaimed in surprise but were soon silenced as she leaned forward and connected her lips with yours, kissing you gently. Your lips moved with hers in perfect rhythm, slowly and steadily as you tasted each other, your hands wrapped around her waist and pulled her closer and she softly moaned into the kiss before slowly moving back. The two of you gazing at each other as you panted, slightly breathless from the kiss.

"....I read your letter at the end of the book, Y/n. And....I accept, I accept your love."

Your eyes widened in surprise, "B-But, don't you love him...?"

She chuckled, "I realized I don't. You made me realize what love is and that's not how I felt about him, especially not recently."

You stared at her in shock then she cupped your face and kissed your cheek, "Would you like to date me, Y/n? I....love you too."

You were on cloud 9 at this point, it was the happiest moment of her life.

"I'd be very much honored to; I promise to keep you happy."

[rinion-b]

"this is why i have attachment issues" is really not how i planned to start this, but that's kinda where i'm at after a few hours to sit on it all.

this is about the whole limbus/pm situation today, for context (i won't be giving any more because i don't know if what i have is accurate, and i hate the idea of me spreading any misinformation when it's already a fucked situation). purely a word vomit, trying to not give any judgement on anything non-objective since there is still a lot of room for followup from project moon once things settle

my overall sentiments on this situation from just seeing updates every hour or so in between work:

what the fuck!

damn it was that serious?

that's...not a great solution...

well shit, was there any reasonable good outcome to all this?

i do want to clarify, i don't intend for any of this to idolize project moon or idealize the indie developer, as easy as that would be. at the same time, i hate the concept that they should be condemned immediately because they fucked up on responding to this situation (outside the context of some other complaints that i've seen from some illustrators and translators in the past).

there is no 'perfect' indie studio. project moon should not be excused for their own failings, especially not on account of them being a small studio. those things can coexist with the concept that, maybe they didn't have much of a choice with how to deal with this? and i've seen all the comparisons with their commentary on society, i get it, i understand and honestly you have a great point. but you cannot escape the impact of capitalism, and i don't think that yelling about the values they portray in their stories is particularly helpful when the situation might affect their ability to continue operating as a company, or at the very least continue providing more limbus content and running the servers.

now, this is predominantly hearsay, but is a believable heuristic. i have heard from a few different friends on separate occasions that project moon is not the most well off financially, either because of development costs outweighing the performance of their older games, or their older games not being quite as profitable as they should objectively be given their quality (indie games are very undervalued often to compete in a space where the 'value' of a game is fucked over by AAA microtransactions and industry trends squeeze what they can out of a commonly accepted price point, but that's a separate discussion altogether). and limbus is their sort of 'last shot' to break into something sustainable.

assuming that this is true, and despite the issues with trusting hearsay especially in this scenario i would prefer to have reasonable evidence to change my mind on something like this, this puts project moon in a really fun situation when you look at the threat of having limbus taken off the korean app store (i'm not sure if this is The App Store in its entirety? there was a lot going on today so i might be missing details on that).

from my perspective as an observer who can neither read korean nor understand more than a few words of it spoken, the only conclusions i can draw from what i have seen in the short span of time since the announcement is some combination of the following points:

project moon either fired the employee to protect them from harrassment (current and future), or fired them because they judged that the loss of one employee in this state was less harmful in the long run than giving up a major source of revenue. maybe both! who the fuck knows!

i still don't know how to feel about all this

people online suck, gacha addicts suck, and being on twitter (or, well, X now) is terrible for my mental health because so many people act in absolutes on the slightest prompt and i can't fucking stand it

people are going to harrass project moon for responding to the harrassment the way they did and i feel like that says a lot about society

this has somehow not ruined my want to play limbus in the future, but idk if i will have any other inclinations to draw it. i don't want them to perish as a company from this one slip-up.

if limbus ends up dying i will probably never play another gacha game again, because despite everything my standards for game quality are through the fucking roof

i...think that's everything. lightly tagged because it would be nice to know how other people think about all this on a site that can handle conscious thought better but this is mostly just to get things out of my head rather than for conversation purposes.

everything fucking sucks, but at least we're still here to watch it burn, eh?

[eventiderpg]

The charismatic Caesar Flickerman, a man with a smile that could light up a room, has been the Master of Ceremonies for decades. It is a title he has carried with fervor and dignity; his professionalism is the reason he has kept this position for so long. Well, aside from nepotism. One of his many tasks is to recount important events that occur during the Hunger Games, but he does not do so alone. Everyone loves an entertaining dynamic between two people. Claudius Templesmith, the straight man in a comedy duo, has insight that is unmatched. A studious fellow, plenty can be learned from his keen intellect. Together, they share any highlights of the Hunger Games while bouncing off of each other’s commentary. Viewers come for the suspense of the Games, and they stay for the amusing quips between Caesar and Claudius.

For the 75th Hunger Games, the arena works like a clock and each hour sets off a trap in a specific area. You could learn more about the arena by clicking here.

This post will be updated everyday until July 31st, but any requested changes could still be added after that date. There will be seven total days from the beginning to the end of the Hunger Games. You can request for anything to be added or changed on any of the seven days, even if it’s a day that had already passed. Just notify the admins.

One update will be added each day. And each update will cover eight hours of in-roleplay time. So, one single day in the roleplay will be covered through three days in real life. In other words, three updates equals one full day in the roleplay.

While the Caesar and Claudius updates are broadcasted segments that last an hour in the roleplay, live footage of the Hunger Games still plays throughout the whole day for all viewers back home. The richer the district or region, the more access the citizens have. To specify, Capitol citizens can freely switch between all cameras. At the other end of the spectrum, the Seam of District 12 can only see what happens to District 12 tributes.

The layout for each day of the Hunger Games will look like the following:

Day Number

At 8 am, Caesar and Claudius discuss what had happened to the tributes during the previous eight hours. So from 12 am to 8 am, the duo had spent most of that time at home, likely sound asleep. Anything they comment on had happened while they were off from work.

At 4 pm, they are back on-screen for another hour announcing what had happened to some of the tributes from 8 am to 4 pm.

At 12 am the next day, they share their last input about what had occurred from 4 pm to 11:59 pm. At the end, they say goodnight to all the viewers and head back home to rest before the next segment.

The Hunger Games Highlights with Caesar Flickerman and Claudius Templesmith

Day One

Wendy (District 5), Zephyr (District 5), and Ariadne (District 8) have all fallen at the Cornucopia. They were taken out by two different careers. The first two were taken out by Ambrosia (District 2) and the last one was by Lucky (District 1).

A career pack alliance is forming. An alliance between Juniper and Laurel (District 7) and Tala and Callum (District 10) is also becoming apparent. Claudius hates his job, or at least cannot stand his coworker.

Ray and Jolene (District 11) barely made it out alive from the monkey mutts. Abel and Amara (District 6) had a run in with the jabberjays. Abel heard his children while Amara heard her wife. Unfortunately, afterwards they ran into the career pack. This led to Abel's death, which was shocking given his impressive score of eight during the evaluations.

Day Two

Fletcher (District 4) is a booby, so his hand gets contaminated by the paralyzing fog at two in the morning. Ambrosia (District 2) receives a gift of whetted knives hours after losing her first set while fending off monkeys. Most tributes are thinking ahead and focusing on ways to prevent dehydration and starvation.

Amara (District 6) and Devyn (District 3) run into each other during a heavy downpour of blood, both barely escaping the storm. Viewers are now figuring out the arena works like a clock, but most tributes are unaware due to the stress and chaos of being in the arena.

Chandler (District 12) attempts to steal supplies from a resting career pack and dies in a fight against Ezra (District 2). Chandler cuts Ezra’s arm amidst the fighting. Ezra also finds Hazelle (District 12) hiding from a distance after Chandler dies, but instead of striking her down, he tells her to run.

Day Three

Jolene and Ray (District 11) have dealt with an hour long heatwave, which has left them even more dehydrated and Jolene is facing intense burns. The alliance between District 7 and District 10 is going strong. However after facing the beasts, Juniper (District 7) has a broken ankle. Discord (District 3) is officially out of the race as Lucky (District 1) killed him.

Jolene of District 11 has passed away. Devyn (District 3) and Hazelle (District 12) seem to be forming an alliance. Devyn has received a spile. Ezra (District 2) is getting an infection where Chandler had sliced him on the arm.

Ezra (District 2) received a sponsor gift of antibiotics and disinfectant. Hazelle (District 12) received a fishing net. Devyn (District 3) killed Benjamin (District 8) with a rock. Amara (District 6) fed Flax (District 9) to some snapping turtles and lost some fingers. Fletcher (District 4) fought Laurel (District 7) which ended up in Laurel dying from the strangulation vines.

Day Four

Tala and Callum (District 10) abandoned Juniper (District 7) after Laurel’s death. Juniper mended her broken ankle, choosing to remain at the perimeter of the beach.

Rosmarinus (District 4) was given a spile. Amara (District 6) received a cauterizing tool before encountering Devyn (District 3) and Hazelle (District 12). The latter three have formed an alliance.

After a harrowing fight, Rosmarinus (District 4) prevailed and killed Tala (District 10), but not without sustaining an injury to her thigh. Thereupon, Rosmarinus and Fletcher (District 4) stumbled into the hallucinatory mushrooms sector, losing their wits to the spores. Lucky (District 1) was the first to find them and tried to take advantage of the moment, attempting to kill them. Anna (District 1) killed Lucky before he could do so and saved the two from District 4. Ambrosia (District 2) drowned in the saltwater wave after leaving the career pack due to a disagreement with Ezra (District 2).

Day Five

Claudius and Caesar bicker more than Coriolanus and Livia Snow behind closed doors. Claudius discusses the previous conversation between Devyn (District 3) and Ray (District 11). He also discusses Ambrosia (District 2) and Ray who met similar fates very differently. Additionally, Devyn received a sponsor gifts of knives.

Fletcher and Rose (District 4) are now on their own. They chased Devyn (District 3), Amara (District 6), and Hazelle (District 12) into the vine sector before losing them.

Rose (District 4) received some medical care as a sponsor gift. Hazelle (District 12) received a weapon and two water bottles. Callum (District 10) and Lavender (District 9) survived the arena traps of quicksand and bloodthirsty insects. All ten tributes have survived day 5!

Day Six

Fletcher (District 4) was close to killing Rosmarinus (District 4) in her sleep with his spear, but he couldn’t follow through with it. As a sponsor gift, Ezra (District 2) received a special weapon that transforms from a rock to a mace. Devyn (District 3), Amara (District 6), and Hazelle (District 12) are sharing the spile and net amongst themselves to combat hunger and dehydration. Amara was also sent some medicine for her mangled hand.

Fletcher (District 4) willingly wandered away from Rosmarinus (District 4) in the early morning, leaving her to wake up alone. Ezra (District 2) made use of his new weapon and killed Lavender (District 10) after she attacked him, taking her supplies.

It is now widely known that Devyn (District 3), Amara (District 6), and Hazelle (District 12) understand how the arena works. They are safe from the traps as long as no one chases them into one again. Callum (District 10) nearly dies by the quicksand twice in one day. At the beach, Juniper (District 7) seems to be creating a tool of unknown purpose.

Day Seven

Devyn (District 3) has received gauze and bandages as a sponsor gift. Juniper (District 7) is still endlessly working on her wire contraption.

The arena spun to shake up the tributes. Now the arena is running four hours in advance. Callum (District 10) almost attacked Hazelle (District 12) but went flying instead. The danger Hazelle, Devyn (District 3), and Amara (District 6) faced instead was the monkeys. This caused Amara to get lost from the alliance. Ezra (District 2) is stalking Fletcher (District 4). Meanwhile Rose (District 4) and Anna (District 1) still pose quite the threat against the other tributes. Juniper (District 7) looks like she's losing her mind with her makeshift tool.

The arena implodes at 8 pm on night seven. The following tributes have been rescued after removing their trackers: Devyn, Ezra, Fletcher, Hazelle, and Juniper. The following get taken by the Capitol: Amara, Anna, and Rose. Viewers at home are confused about why the broadcast has abruptly ended.

[wiypt-writes]

Riding High

Ch15: This is Me

 Chapter Summary: Fliss tells Frank exactly what happened to her during her marriage.

 Chapter Warnings: Mentions of Domestic abuse and violence. Bad Language words. Smut (NSFW). NO UNDERAGE READERS PLEASE!!!!!!!

 Chapter Pairings:  Frank Adler x OFC Fliss Gallagher

 A/N: This is a REALLY heavy going chapter, but all you regulars will know this has been brewing for quite some time. PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO THE WARNINGS! If any of those things are triggers, please avoid. If anyone is wondering, the face claim for John is an older Ben Affleck (best way I can describe) in his Batman days.  

Disclaimer: This is a pure work of fiction and classified as 18+. Please respect this and do not read if you are underage. I do not own any characters in this series bar Fliss Gallagher and the other OCs. By reading beyond this point you understand and accept the terms of this disclaimer.

Riding High Masterlist // Main Masterlist

Chapter 14

All that I am, all that I ever was, is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

.

“Hey Titch.”  Bill greeted Fliss as she walked down the steps to the pool area he and Verity both sat at the table, him drinking a coffee, Verity pouring over a book. “You’re home early.” “Well my lessons are done.” She said, shrugging. “And, I err, I need to talk to you both.”

“What’s wrong?” Verity put her book down and pushed her sunglasses up on top of her head. “You’ve not broken up with Frank have you?” “What? No, no, we’re errr fine.” She sat down in the spare chair and looked at her Dad then her Mum before taking a deep breath “I got a call this morning. John’s up for Parole. His hearing is in six weeks.”

Her parents reacted exactly the way she had anticipated they would do, in a similar angry manner to her Brother who she had called after speaking to Frank. Bill made a growling noise in his throat, slamming his mug on the table whilst Verity’s right hand flew to her chest, the other reaching out to grasp at Fliss’ shoulder.

“Oh, love.” “Fucker.” Bill growled, before he shook his head and looked at Fliss “Can you appeal?” “Yeah.” She nodded “But I don’t know…” she took a deep breath “I don’t want to go back into a court room. That’s what he will want, to see me there, again…and…”

“Honey…you have to-“ “No, I don’t” Fliss cut her mother off. “Frank’s right, the days of me having to do anything are over. I’m going to speak to Greg Cullen, Frank’s friend who’s an attorney and I’m gonna look my options when the full information comes through and go from there…”

Bill nodded and Fliss didn’t miss the look he shot Verity, silently telling her to leave it.  “Sounds sensible.” he said. “So, I take it from that you’ve talked to Frank?”

Fliss nodded, “Lunchtime yeah.”

 She fell silent and Bill leaned over and gently squeezed her hand “What is it Titch?”

She looked up at him and licked her lips. “He doesn’t know everything, not how bad it got and…” she took another deep breath “I need to tell him, so, we both agreed to sit down and talk tonight but it needed to be done just the two of us. So, I was wondering….” “Of course we’ll have Mary.” Verity nodded, anticipating the question.

“We did promise to take her to the Shake Shack at some point this week.” Bill agreed “Seems as good a night as any.” Fliss smiled. “Frank’s going to explain the basics, she’s too clever not to notice something’s going on but that’s it, she won’t know any details so…”

“Okay.” Verity nodded, before she took a deep breath and stood up “I made some apple and courgette loaf…you got room for a slice?” “Always room for that!” Fliss grinned “And I wouldn’t say no to a coffee…”

Verity smiled, dropped her hand on Fliss’ shoulder as she stood up and made her way towards the house. Bill watched her go before he turned to Fliss.

“How are you really feeling?”

 “Like shit.” She said honestly “I was so upset before but Frank made me see things a little more logically once I’d finished my melt down.” “Liss, you do know this is going to be a heavy conversation.” Bill looked at her as he took a breath “Just don’t be too worried or concerned if he gets a little, I dunno, upset maybe.” Fliss nodded, she already knew that. She knew it was going to be as hard for Frank to hear as it was for her to tell him.

“But for what it’s worth…” Bill looked at her. “I’m glad you’ve got him. I’ve seen such a change in you since you met him last year, even before you started…” he made a clicking noise with his tongue and winked, causing Fliss to snort and shake her head. “He’s a good guy, and as you well know they don’t come around often.” “I know.” she chewed her lip. “Dad, you don’t think he’ll look at me any different do you, once he knows…” “Fliss, you could probably set fire to a cage full of puppies and he’d still think the sun shone out of your arse.” Bill snorted, waving off her concern.

 “Wow, that’s…dark.” Fliss raised an eyebrow.

 “Yeah, and now I think of it…he’d probably find that a little strange…and sick…” Bill mused, flashing her a wink. “But you know what I mean.” “Thanks pops.” she smiled, and Bill opened his arms and she grinned standing up. She moved to sit on her dad’s knee as he wrapped her into a hug, kissing her head.

 “Thought I got too old to sit on your lap years ago” she teased, resting her head against his.

“You’ll never be too old for a Poppa Bill snuggle.” he chuckled, rubbing her back “No matter how old you get, you’ll always be my little girl.” ***** Frank couldn’t be bothered speaking to Evelyn, he had far more pressing things on his mind. So, instead, when he arrived to pick Mary up from school he simply fired her a text message saying he would call later in the week when it was convenient to talk. To his surprise, she replied back almost immediately saying she was glad to hear from him and would Wednesday around six pm be suitable. His answer was a single word, yes, before he slid his phone back in his pocket and went in to collect Mary.

“Bit of a break in routine tonight.” he said, looking at her “Bill and V are taking you out to dinner, something about the Shake Shack?” “Yesssss!” Mary punched the air before she looked at Frank suspiciously “Hang on, why? Did you speak to Evelyn? Has something gone wrong? Did she change her mind?” “No, no nothing like that.” he shook his head “I’ve messaged Evelyn and I’m going to call her on Wednesday to sort things out properly when I can have a good discussion.” “So what’s going on?”

Frank took a deep breath, he’d agreed with Lissy he would tell Mary the basics, the very basics, so that she had a comprehension of what was happening, but he was still struggling to find the words.

 “You know that Fliss’ ex-husband…John, he went to prison right?”

 “Yeah.” “Well, he was locked up for doing some bad stuff to Fliss. Like he hurt her, a lot…” “Oh.” Mary frowned “That’s…why would he…” “Because he’s an ass hole.” Frank said simply “The point is Stack, in six week or so he’s going to go for something called Parole, you know that that is?” “No” “It’s when a prisoner is considered for early release. If John gets it, it means he will be free, but have to abide by certain rules for a while.” Mary nodded, as they reached the truck.

“So tonight me and Fliss need to talk about some stuff, about how we deal with this going forward as Fliss has a chance to give evidence at his appeal as to why he shouldn’t be let out. You following me?” Mary nodded “Evidence that proves he’s a bad guy, right?”

“Absolutely. But I don’t want you talking to anyone about this oayk? It’s private for Fliss. I’m only telling you because you have a right to understand what’s happening.” “I won’t tell anyone.” Mary nodded. “Wait, not even Roberta?” “Not even Roberta. It’s up to Fliss who she tells.”

 “But Bill and Verity will know.” “Yes.” Frank said “But I expect they’ll be upset too so…just keep it shut, please.” he ended a little lamely.

 “Okay.” Mary nodded.

They both piled in the truck and headed back to their apartment to pick up a few things for Mary, Frank having enough stashed at Fliss’ as it was before they drove over. Frank opened the gate with the fob Fliss had given him months ago, and they drove through to be greeted by Thor who was running up and down the drive chasing Bill’s terrier in some kind of odd game.

“Hey, Gorgeous.” Frank smiled as he got out of his truck and leaned down to give Fliss a soft kiss “You okay? How did they take it?” “As well as I expected. Mum kept up appearances and then left to go into the kitchen to fetch a drink so she could melt down in private and Dad, well, he was angry but…” she shrugged

“I’ve explained as well as I can to Mary” he turned his head to see her running up the drive being followed by the dogs “And I’ve told her not to mention it to anyone.”

“Okay.” Fliss nodded, her eyes also on the young girl. “Bill said after dinner, if it’s ok with you, he might take her down to the Marina to watch the night trawlers setting out. It fascinates the twins and the guys there are always happy to field their questions so…”

Frank shrugged “Yeah, if she wants. Doesn’t bother me as long as she’s in bed for a semi-reasonable hour.”

Together they made their way into the house where Bill swept Mary up into his arms in a hug as she started chattering to him about some project she was going to be working on for Girl Scouts and, after a short chat, Fliss and Frank headed back over to the annex. They made normal conversation, just like they always did as Fliss cooked them a quick, easy dinner of grilled seabass and salad, but there was an atmosphere, like a huge cloud was hanging over them. Which it was. And that the pair of them were trying to ignore it. Which they were. Eventually, when the dishes were done, the beer was opened and the wine was poured, they couldn’t ignore it any longer.

Fliss told Frank to head outside and start the fire pit, which he did whilst she disappeared upstairs before returning a little later with a small, blue ring bound book, which she held on her lap as she sat next to him. "I don't even know where to start." Fliss tucked her legs underneath her on the seat as Frank threw another chunk of wood on the fire. "I suppose the beginning is the best place."

 "Usually, yeah..." Frank smiled, sweeping a piece of her hair behind her ears as he turned side ways on the wicker couch to face her.

 “Okay.” She swallowed a bit of her wine before she placed it on the table. “Right from the beginning?”

 “Whatever you want. I’ll listen.”

 She nodded, and then with a deep breath she began to talk.

“We first met at the Olympics in 2008. It was my first big break. I was only a reserve rider but I was still buzzing you know, swept away in it all.” she smiled softly “John was on the US team, had been for a while and, well, his attention and praise, I guess it flattered me. I saw him again later on that year at the International Championships and then over the twelve months or so at Badminton, HOYS...that’s the Horse of the Year show.” she explained as Frank gave her a blank look. “All the big gigs, but it wasn't until the World Equestrian Games in 2010 that we hooked up.” Frank smiled at her choice of language as she snorted. “Yup I had a Friday night fuck.”

 He chuckled to himself, shaking his head as she continued.

“I can’t describe being on the road like that, but it’s intense. You're away for weeks and its, well it’s like a different world. From then on over the next year or so we started emailing and every chance we got be it training or competitions we met up, spent time together. Then In 2011 we basically decided to try and go for it and did the whole long distance thing whilst he was living in the US, me in the UK, and when I won my medal in 2012 he declared how much he loved me and was so proud of me in the press when he did any interviews…”

Frank watched as a slight smile spread across her face, and she bit her lip as she looked back at him, shrugging.

“It was like a fairy tale.” she whispered “I got swept up in it all and then packed up and moved to Boston in the October. That November I had my accident which you know about, and I was in a back brace for twelve weeks and he was amazing.” she shrugged. “He proposed to me that December and honestly Frank, he cared and looked after me I just…I don’t know where that John went. Looking back, I often wonder if he had some kind of brain injury that turned him into an asshole.” “Don’t make excuses for him.” Frank said softly “Please…” “I’m not.” she assured him. “I just really don’t understand.” “There’s nothing to understand.” Frank looked at her shaking his head.

“Anyway, by the February in 2013 I was just starting to exercise again. God I was in a bad way. Mentally and physically. Because I’d been immobile I was out of shape, felt fat, ugly, I’d put on a good 2 stone…or…erm… 28 pounds.” She shrugged “But John, well, he didn’t care. Or so I thought. Now I look back on it I think this is where it all started.” She reached for her wine and Frank drained the rest of his beer. He glanced at the bottle and Fliss looked at him.

 “Wanna break out the strong stuff?” she asked gently.

 “Well, if any situation warrants it, I feel this one does.” He nodded smiling.

She uncurled her legs from beneath her and Frank watched her go. Normally he would offer to fetch the drinks but he sensed she needed to move, get away from the intensity for a moment so to speak so he let her go. With a sigh his head fell back, his eyes looking up at the sky which was streaked with red and purples and pinks from the now setting sun. His head was a whirlwind of emotion already and they hadn’t even scratched the surface.

Fliss emerged from the house with a bottle of Monkey Shoulder scotch and two tumblers, one filled with ice. Frank scoffed a laugh at her, it was a long standing joke she liked ice in her shorts where as he preferred them straight, something she always pulled a face at given how he couldn’t drink anything else at room temperature.

Silently she poured him a good measure and he took it from her with a thanks as she returned to her previous position and Frank shifted slightly again to face her, his right hand curled round his drink, his left resting along the back of the garden sofa they were on. She took a sip and then once more launched back into her memories.

 “We had a Ball to attend. One that the US team were holding, and I mentioned I had nothing to wear. So, John ordered me something, a beautiful sky blue gown only it didn’t fit. When I told him and got upset he said it was a genuine mistake and he’d ordered my usual size and apologised and promised to return it, but then suggested maybe I kept it as motivation to lose the weight in time for the ball at the start of May and get into it…”

“He wanted you to lose 28 pound in two months?” Frank looked at her, raising an eyebrow. “Whilst you were just recovering?”

“I did it.” she shrugged in answer to his question. “I pushed myself, skipped meals…but…” Frank made an annoyed noise in his throat, but other than that made no further comment.

“There were other little things, controlling things he did as well. Like he took over the arrangements for the wedding and governed the first time I got back on a horse, told me when I could go back to work, start the training to become a Coach…all dressed up as the fact he cared and didn’t want me to rush back into things. Then one night in the September, I snapped. There was a trip organised, a conference, for the trainee Coaches intake for that year, and he told me I wasn’t going. So I bit back, and told him that he wasn’t my father and that was the first time he hit me. Straight slap, right across the face.” Frank watched as she took a sip of her drink before she shrugged. “I locked myself in the bathroom, and he sat outside the door for hours, crying, apologising, saying he was sorry, just under a lot of stress and worried about me…begged for forgiveness…pleaded with me not to call off the wedding, and you know the stupid thing?” She looked at Frank. “I always, always swore that if a man raised his hand to me, I’d be done, out of there, but I forgave him, like an idiot. And married him four weeks later, just as planned.”

She paused for a moment, shifting slightly to pull her phone out of her pocket. Frank watched her, curiously for a moment as she tapped at the screen before she handed it to him and he glanced down. It was an article, published in Your Horse magazine, or so the tag at the top told him.

‘From Olympic Rings to Wedding Rings!’ The headline read, and he scanned down, ignoring the blurb on the text, catching the odd phrase such as ‘the stars aligned’ and ‘fairy-tale romance…’ which made him want to puke as there was nothing fairy-tale about it. Eventually he reached a photo and Frank got his first look at the man he hated with every single inch of his body. He was tall, sharp jawed, quite athletic looking. Typically handsome with dark eyes and dark hair. He stood next to Fliss in his black tuxedo, his arm curled around her waist as he smiled at the camera. Fliss looked stunning. Her wedding dress was princess like, clinched in at the waist and flared out in layer upon layer of tulle which was adorned with crystals that caught the light. Her hair was twisted up off her face and she wore some kind of diamond studded headdress. She was smiling but as Frank looked closer he could see her eyes...they didn't have that sparkle he knew and loved.

 "I hated everything about the day." She said gently. "I wanted a quiet beach wedding, somewhere warm, with a simple dress, close friends, family... a big tent with fairly lights and snack food..."  

Frank smiled as what she was describing was so effortlessly her, but the smile slipped from his face as she continued.

 "...but he insisted on the full hog. Huge Boston based wedding at a church and then a sit down reception at the Harbor with a party in the evening. But that was John. Always about showing off...even my engagement ring was another way for him to display to the world what he could afford. This huge six carat brilliant cut diamond...it was gaudy."

 Frank handed her the phone and she shut the web browser down.

 "Sounds so ungrateful doesn’t it." She snorted "Most girls would kill for a day like that"

 "Most girls don’t have a guy controlling their every move" he said gently. "It's not ungrateful at all. A wedding day should be about both people, well, so I’ve heard."

 "It was a circus." She shrugged. “There were people there whose names I didn’t even know. I didn’t want the magazines there either but he talked me round, saying that if we didn’t let them in they’d simply use unofficial photos and…well, anyway that was that.”

 Frank reached over and took the empty glass off her and topped both the tumblers up, glad of the momentary distraction. As he handed her back to her she smiled and took a sip.

“Things were fine for a while, well, in that he didn’t hit me, but then in the February of 2014 we had another argument. I’d been away with the training school and they always ran updates on their websites about the conferences, and there was a photo of me laughing with one of the other guys, another competitor from the US team who was also training to become a coach. Nothing that anyone else would read anything into…but he did. Accused me of cheating and when it told him he was being ridiculous he hit me. Only this wasn’t a slap, it was a full on punch. And he fractured my cheek bone.”

 Frank took a sharp breath, and swallowed a mouthful of scotch.

 “Once again he was sorry…and then it kinda went like that for the most. He’d go weeks without hitting me and then he’d flip and wham. A slap here and a punch there…”

The flippancy with which she was describing it, like it was something that was normal, that just happened was beginning to make Frank’s blood boil. He tried not to show outwardly what he was feeling inside, but he clearly had as Fliss reached along the back of the seat to tangle her fingers into his. He gave her hand a squeeze as she continued to talk.

“That April I was scheduled for a big competitive comeback with Team GB. I had my sponsors lined up, it was being touted on the circuit as Gallagher’s Return to Glory… press interviews, and everything….you name it. And then- “ “Hang on, Gallagher?” Frank cut her off. “Did you not change your name?” Fliss shook her head. “Nope.” She studied him for a moment, smiling. “You look surprised.”

“I am. Given how controlling he was, I expected him to want you to change it.”

“I didn’t want to. It made sense for me to keep my name, it was all about the brand, see.” She shrugged. “John, surprisingly wasn’t all that bothered.” She took a sip of her drink. “Anyway, that aside…the comeback was arranged and four weeks before I was due to fly home he told me I wasn’t going. I said he couldn’t stop me. I guess he took that as a challenge as he grabbed me by the hair and shoved my hand in the doorframe of the kitchen. Slammed it shut four times. Broke three of my fingers and dislocated my wrist. So I missed out. And I never competed again, well not professionally anyway.”

 “Fuck.” Frank’s face screwed up as he shook his head “Lissy…” He trailed off as her fingers tightened around his, and he brought her hand up to softly kiss over her knuckles, almost as if doing so would take away the pain of that injury, the injury that was long healed but had left scars deep on her soul, deeper than any physical scars could go.

“That’s when it started escalating and I ended up in hospital with a broken nose in the April, that was the result of an argument about me going out, a fractured arm in the July that was because I’d dared to refuse to have sex with him in the car outside the fucking store and two broken ribs in the October which was a result of me saying I didn’t want to host a Halloween party.  A doctor at the hospital who had been looking at my records started asking questions and gave me a leaflet on Domestic Violence which, obviously I refused to take. But then, that Christmas when he insisted on spending it alone and not with my family, I dunno why but I called one of the numbers, anonymously. Started looking into it a bit more and that’s where I got the idea to keep a diary. Document it, in case I did ever want to leave and press charges.”

 She nodded to the book she had brought with her which now rested on the table and Frank looked at it, before he turned back to her.

“You know, to many people it’s so black and white. Mum and Dad were begging me to leave him but I brushed it off. I lied to my own parents, told them they’d been work accidents and that I was fine. That’s what it turns you into, a liar, but, I loved him. Well, I thought I did. Now, looking back it was more fear than anything. He’d spent so long telling me that if I left I’d be nothing that he’d find me. I believed him, so convinced myself it was easier to stay.”

She moved, placing her tumbler on the table and reached for the book and handed it to him.

 “The rest is in there.” she said softly as he too set his glass down and took the book from her gently and he was surprised to see his hands were shaking slightly. “Apparently they say over time you recall bad memories easier than good ones, and that you can also distort them, make them worse than they actually were so I stuck to facts. It’s pretty impersonal but, well…” Frank looked at the cover before he looked back at her and she nodded. With a swallow he shifted slightly, opening it.

The first entry he saw was dated January 2nd 2015 and simply stated that John had given her a slap as she hadn’t made the bed fast enough for his liking. Then there was another on January the 21st saying he had launched a crystal decanter of whiskey at her head as she’d filled it with the wrong brand. They continued along this vein until he paused at an entry for February 12th.

 Burnt me with a cigarette on my right hip because I burnt dinner.

 Frank’s jaw clenched, but he continued to read, the diary was littered with him giving her slaps and punches for whatever fucking reason the asshole wanted, but it was the big ones that sprung out at him, that made him want to be sick.

 February 17th. Grabbed my hair and banged my face into the wall because I refused sex in the living room whilst guests were in the garden for the Spring Party.

 March 21st. Whipped me with a belt after a guy was chatting me up in a bar. Drew blood.

March 22nd. Violent sex to remind me I was his.

 At that Frank stopped reading and looked at her, his voice sticking in his throat. “Violent sex. He raped you?” Fliss took a breath. “I never actually told him no but he wouldn’t have listened if I had. He left a lot of bruises.”

 “Fucking hell, Lissy…” Frank shook his head “This…that is not…” “I know.” she soothed him softly. “I know.”

He looked at her again, her eyes shining with the emotion that her voice didn’t betray. He had no idea how she could be so calm about all this, but then he realised that was more than likely her coping mechanism. That she’d probably detached herself from all of this on purpose. Because it was sink or swim. And she’d chosen to swim.

April 13th. Choked me whilst I was in the bath. Held me underwater to the point I almost stopped breathing. Stopped when Loki bit him.

April 14th. Loki dead. John said he poisoned him as a lesson to show that he was a guard dog for the house not me.

“He almost killed you.” Frank stuttered as he looked up at her, this time unable to hide his emotions. He felt his eyes swimming and he looked away as Fliss gently took his hand again and she nodded as he looked back up at her.

“The day after he killed Loki was when I took the overdose.” She said gently. “That day when he’d choked me, as I was slipping under, I felt nothing but peace, this overwhelming sense of serenity so, I saw a way out.” She took a deep breath. “That was the point at which Bill, Mum and Steve started to get really concerned, but he managed to convince them, the doctors, me that I was depressed, that it all stemmed from my accident. I don’t think my family really believed him, not fully, but what could they do?”

At that point she sniffed and Frank saw the tears form in her eyes “I put them through so much and…”

“Stop, stop.” He said, his voice cracking as he tossed the book aside and pulled her to him. She melted into his embrace, her face pressing into his chest as he held her tightly, kissing the top of her head “None of this was your fault, none of it…” She stayed still, her shoulders shaking slightly as he simply held her close, blinking back his own tears as they sat there for a moment before she pulled back.

“The rest of it is much the same. Although he eased off a bit and convinced me that trying for a baby would solved all our issues. So I went with it. Each month it failed he’d punish me when I got my period, but you know that bit anyway.”

Frank gently reached out and wiped her tears away with his thumbs as she smiled at him sadly.

“I found out I was pregnant in the January of 2016 and that was the moment I decided I needed to get out. I couldn’t bring a baby into that.” She sniffed, her eyes swimming. “I feel so guilty about that you know, that I got rid of it. It wasn’t the baby’s fault but being tied to him for ever, I just, I couldn’t. I know that’s selfish but…”

“No, it’s not selfish.” Frank held her face in his hands as he looked at her, driving his words home “You got nothing to feel guilty about, you got that? Nothing.”

There was a silence as he simply looked at her, his chest heaving with emotion as she turned her head slightly to place a soft kiss on his palm before she leaned into his touch, like a dog seeking comfort and reassurance. As if on cue Thor leapt up onto the seat in between them, forcing his way into the middle, his back turned on Frank as he licked at Fliss’ face, soft noises and whines coming from him as he did so.

 “It’s okay…” she gently laughed at the dog, stroking his head.

Frank was almost glad of the reprieve that the German shepherd had given him because he was utterly lost. He had no idea how to comfort her, or if his words would even begin to scratch the surface of what she had told him. After a moment or two Thor settled, simply curling up in between them and lay his head on Fliss’ lap as she scratched his ears and looked at Frank. “That was when I started making plans. Told my mum I was coming to Florida for a visit and needed her to book me a ticket, but she knew. She could tell this was me crying for help, so she sorted everything out and said that her and dad were coming to get me. I had the abortion on the Tuesday morning, I was booked on a flight on Thursday evening, Thor as well…it was all ready to go…but John was supposed to be away at some kind of training conference until the Friday but he came back early.  I was packing up a few things and he caught me.” She swallowed “And then, something in me snapped, like really snapped. And I let rip. I told him he was an ass hole, that what he was doing wasn’t normal and I told him all about the baby as well, how I’d gotten rid of it because he’d have been the worst father in the world and he did a number on me which you know about. He almost killed me. The police arrived, mum had tried calling me several times and when she couldn’t get hold of me she called them, turns out so had one of the neighbours as they’d heard the screaming and shouting. That was it. He was arrested and, well, I pressed charges and moved here.”

A silence fell between them, one which Frank was desperately trying to find the words to break, but failing, miserably. He wanted to kill the fucker, it was beyond him how anyone could ever want to harm a hair on her head. Not merely because she’d been helpless, and powerless to stop it, but because she was so goddamned amazing.

 “Lissy…” he eventually said, reaching out again for her hand, not missing the fact the dog was eyeing him beadily as he did so. “I don’t know what to say…what you went through, it’s abhorrent and…”

 “You know what the worse bit was?” she looked at Frank, cutting him off. “Reliving all that in court. Despite the evidence, police catching him in the act he denied it and I had to tell everyone what he had done.  He let his Attorney cross examine me, call me a liar, and then changed his plea. Simply because he could. He wanted that one last moment of humiliation and that’s why I can’t and won’t go to his hearing in person.”

 Frank was surprised, and also a little pleased to see the fire in her eyes and the absolute conviction in her tone, it was almost like she had reached a revelation, a turning point, a moment where she seized control over it all, and when she spoke again, he realised that was exactly what she was doing.

 “When I was talking to mum and dad before, I realised that I don’t wanna live my life in this state of panic and worry about what comes next. If he gets out he gets out. I can't control that. But, like my therapist said, what I can control is how I deal with it. And the only control I have is to NOT to let him control me any-more. If I go to that parole hearing he gets me in a room with him, again, and why should he?”  She took a deep breath and looked at Frank, her large brown eyes locking onto his. “I’ll talk to Greg, he can write the statement and I’ll submit it but I’m not going.”

“You don’t have to.” He shook his head.

“I just wanna...I just want to live this normal life, with you and Mary and...be Lissy. Not Felicity, Lissy. Your Lissy.”

 “You are.” he assured her. “I love you, you know that.”

 “I know, and I love you…and God did that scare me at first because, well I hadn’t been expecting it. I was done, happy on my own and then you walked into my life…or sailed into it…” At that he let out a soft chuckle. “And I know you're not that man. You're not John and that you’d never hurt me...not because you can’t but because you don’t want to.” she took another deep breath as she glanced down at Thor who was now asleep, the dog clearly sensing no threat was there “But, Frank, there’s this part of me that thinks it's too good to be true. That one day the whole thing will come tumbling down, and I know I have no reason to think that but I can’t help but be scared. We’re only five months down the line and you're already pissed off...” “I’m not pissed off at you.” He shook his head. “I’m angry at him putting you through this. And I just want you to know that I’m not perfect, I’m uncomfortable with the fact you think I am, that you think that this…us…” He waved his hand between them. “Is something special because I treat you normally. It’s special, yeah, of course it is, but that’s because it just is. Not because I’m this magical saint like human, when in fact I’m so far from that.”

 He reached over and took both her hands in his, and intertwined their fingers, looking at her. “You know, I never thought I’d ever want to settle down, that I’d ever find someone I wanted all that domestic shit with but then…I met you and…I dunno, you just…you sideswiped me Lissy, and well, yeah, it’s really early days you’re right, and what I feel for you after such a short period of time is, well, it is scary, I’ll admit that but I wanna be in this for the long run and that means we work through whatever it is together, honestly.” She smiled “So I'll tell you when I'm scared and worried about stuff and you tell me when I'm being an idiot?”

 He laughed and nodded, “Something like that.”

 She leaned over, ignoring the large dog in between them and placed a soft kiss to his lips. “Deal.”

 He smiled and pressed his forehead to hers, but before either of them had chance to do anything or say anything else, Thor pricked his ears up and shot off the seat between them, jogging to the back door. Both of them looked to see Mary walking into the yard, followed by Verity and Bill.

 “Hey.” Verity greeted them both as Fliss smiled at her mum. “You both ok?” “Yeah.” Fliss nodded. “We’re good.”

 Bill eyed Frank a little cautiously, which didn’t pass Frank by so he simply flashed Bill a little nod and saw the man relax visibly before he held up a bag.

“Mary thought you might fancy ice cream so we brought you some back from the Shack.” He said.

“It was awesome!” Mary bounded onto Frank’s knee drawing a grunt from him as she sat perched on his lap. “I had the Oreo milkshake and a huge burger with fries and…” she paused and looked at Bill “What was that stuff on them?” “Sour cream kiddo.” Bill answered and Mary made a noise of recognition.

 “Sour cream and cheese” she nodded “And then I had a cookie dough and fudge brownie sundae…” “So basically you aint gonna want to eat for a week.” Frank looked at her, and Mary grinned.

 “We got you some of the black forest because I know you love that, Titch.” Bill said “And Mary said Frank would want the peanut butter brittle.”

 “Mary was right!” Frank grinned, hi-fiving her before he stood up, slinging her over his shoulder causing her to giggle. He placed her down, his hand gently caressing the back of her head “What do you say to Bill and V?” “I already said thanks!”

 “She did.” Verity smiled “And it was our pleasure.”

 “Go get your stuff on for bed. I’ll be up in a second.” He said to her gently and it was a testament to how tired she was that she didn’t protest. She gave Fliss a hug, then Verity and Bill before she skipped inside, Thor following.

 “I’ll put that in the freezer…unless you want some now?” Fliss made to take the bag off her Dad and looked at Frank. He shook his head.

“Save it for tomorrow, Sweetheart.”

 Fliss nodded and headed inside, Bill and Verity then turned to Frank.

 “Is…she, I mean, are you…are you both…” Verity started and Frank gave her a smile.

 “We’re ok.” He assured the woman. “I promise.”

Verity nodded as Bill looked at him.

“You sure?”

 “It wasn’t nice hearing.” Frank shrugged “I’m not sure what else I can say Bill.”

 Bill nodded and at that point Fliss returned and Verity smiled at her.

 “We’ll leave you to it.” She said, giving her a hug which she returned. Bill gently clapped his hand on Frank’s shoulder, giving it a warm squeeze and Frank knew it was the man’s way of trying to reassure him somewhat.

 He wasn’t sure whether it had worked.

***** An hour or so later after a bit of TV, Fliss announced she was going for a shower and then heading to bed. Telling her he’d be up in a moment, Frank stayed where he was, simply mulling things over in his head. He prided himself on being a calm, level headed guy, able to logically see his way through most situations but this, well this was fucking with his head. He was angry, really angry that someone had put her through all of that and he was struggling to process it.

 After torturing himself for another ten or so minutes, with a resigned sigh he pushed himself off the sofa, and turned off the TV. Once upstairs he poked his head into the spare room and saw Mary was fast asleep, Thor curled around her feet. The dog looked up at him, but made no attempt to move as he turned off the lamp and headed across the small hallway to the master bedroom. To his surprise the lamp was on but Fliss was nowhere to be found.

 Now that he thought about it, he could hear the shower was still running. She must not have gotten in straight away as she’d come upstairs a good fifteen minutes or so ago. With a slight frown he headed to the door of the bathroom and gently nudged it open a touch.

 “Lissy?” he asked softly, “Baby, you ok?”

She didn’t answer, but as the steam from the water cleared Frank could make her out through the frosted glass of the screen. She was leaning on the tiles, facing the shower, one palm flat on the wall by the side of the temperature dial, the other clamped over her mouth, and her shoulders were shaking.

 Frank felt his eyes mist up again and he pulled his top over his head before shedding the rest of his clothes and stepping into the cubicle behind her.

 “Hey…” He said gently, his hand dropping to her hip, the skin slick to his touch as she turned to face him. “Come’ere…”

 She went willingly, melting into his strong arms as they curled round her and she buried her face into his chest.

 “I’m sorry…I…” She sobbed and he simply held her close, her bare skin pressed to his as the water beat down on them both, his hands gently caressing her back.

 “Let it out, I got you…” his face pressed into her hair as he dropped a kiss to the crown of her head. “I got you…”

 How long he stayed there simply holding her, he had no idea. It was as if all time had stood still and nothing existed to him, nothing but the girl he was cradling in his arms. Eventually her breathing evened out and she pulled back slightly to look at him. Without a word she stood on her toes and pressed a soft, lingering kiss to his lips which he took, gratefully as he brushed her sodden hair off her face.

 “Turn around baby girl.” He said softly, and she looked at him, almost questioningly.

 “Trust me…” He assured her, and she did as she was told. Frank reached round for her shampoo, squeezed an amount onto his palm and gently began to work it into her hair. He felt her relax slightly, her shoulders dropping, the tension seeping out of her as he massaged her scalp softly, the apple and cinnamon notes from the suds rising up his nostrils went a long way to calming him too.

 “That okay?” he asked her softly, and she gave a low hmmm in response, simply leaning back further so her head was almost laying against his shoulder. He felt her relax completely against him, the suds from her hair spreading to his chest. Eventually, when he’d lathered enough he gently dropped his head, the water running off his own hair onto her shoulder, as he gently spoke into her ear and asked if she was ready to rinse it off. She nodded and allowed him to guide her round so she was facing him, tipping her head back slightly against the stream from the shower and he reached up, brushing the shampoo away from her face and down her long hair, causing her to press against him.

 Eventually her hair was completely rinsed clear and he repeated the process with her conditioner, all the time making sure to talk to her, ask her what she wanted or needed, and she caught him by surprise slightly when she asked if she could return the favour. Nodding he turned around and dipped his head slightly as she gently wound her hands into his hair, nails scratching against his scalp. When she’d finished he turned back to face her, dropping his head to rinse out his hair.

 “You’re gonna get it in your eyes standing this way.” she said gently, as she looked up at him.

 “Don’t care.” He said, his hands gently resting on her hips. “Just wanna see you.” 

And he did. He drank her in, every singled damned detail. Her eyes, her nose, those little freckles that at first glance you might miss, her defined shoulders, that dip in her collar bone, the line the water was tracing between her breasts, the curve of her hips…fuck he was unashamedly aching for her now, something he knew she’d spotted but hadn’t commented on.  When he looked up he caught her eyes again, and she gently reached up with her hands, the pads of her fingers cupping his face through his short beard. He stayed still as she simply studied him, before she pulled his face down to hers where he captured her mouth in a soft, gentle kiss. He let her guide him, tell him how much she wanted, or how little she wanted, his hands simply splaying across the soft skin on her back. Eventually she pulled away and pressed her forehead to his collar bone, her hands slipping round his waist as she held onto him and he was happy to let her, simply basking in the fact she was seeking his comfort.  Eventually she pulled away and took his hand in hers, examining his fingers.

 “You’re pruned up.” She said softly and he chuckled.

 “So are you.” He pointed out, pressing a kiss to her wrist. “You ready to get out?”

She nodded, so Frank reached around her, turning off the shower before he opened the cubicle door and crossed the small bathroom, reaching for a towel which he quickly ran over his hair before he wrapped it around his waist. Lifting her robe off the hook behind the door, he held it out for her and she turned and slipped her arms into it. Frank leaned around, ensuring it was wrapped tightly around her whilst she did up the belt as he lifted another towel off the rack for her hair. He began to gently squeeze the water out of her long, auburn locks, tenderly drying her hair, hands softly rubbing over her scalp as once again she tipped her head back, eyes closed. Once he’d finished he dropped a kiss to her neck and guided her back through to the bedroom.

 Fliss made her way in as Frank shut the door behind them and she padded over towards the bed before she turned and looked at him.

 “What’s wrong?” he asked her.

“Nothing.” she said, “I was just thinking.” “What about?”

 “Something you said before about how you’re nothing special because you treat me normally.”

 “I’m not.”

 “Well that’s just it.” She stepped forward towards him “You are to me…no matter how many times you try and protest otherwise.”

 “Lissy…”

 “You know everything now, and you still want me…” her voice was nothing but a broken whisper and it made Frank’s heart ache.

 “Sweetheart, I’ll never not want you.” he own voiced cracked slightly.

 “Frankie, I just…” “Look, I promise you…” his nose bumped against hers. “Nothing you told me today changes the way I feel about you. How could it? You’re so strong, and brave and…”

 “I don’t feel it.” “Well you are.” he said, his hands cupping her face “Look at what you dealt with and came out the other side…please don’t ever worry about what I think of you, because honestly I think you’re the most amazing woman on the planet.” At that she smiled softly at him, as he dropped his lips to her neck, gently ghosting his mouth over her skin “And you’re mine…”

 “Promise?” She asked, her eyes fluttering shut.

 “Cross my heart.” He mumbled, gently kissing below her ear. He felt her give a soft shudder, which he took as an encouragement and gently continued his actions, tracing his mouth down her neck to where it met the soft towel of her robe. With deft hands he reached out, and gently undid the tie around her middle, causing the robe to gape open and he ran his fingers underneath the edges before he gently shrugged it off her shoulders. He placed a soft kiss to her collar bone as he felt her hands move between them, gently pulling the edge of the towel out from where it was tucked in on itself, dropping it to the floor.

 Tenderly he took her face in his hands and kissed her, softly, his tongue guiding her mouth open and she obliged, deepening the kiss slightly as her hands moved upwards, gently tangling in his hair at the nape of his neck. His movements slow and deliberate, Frank guided them her the last few steps over to the bed and laid her down, crawling over her, before his lips moved and he chained soft kisses across her jaw line, down her neck, through the valley between her breasts. He kissed the small burn scar that lay above her right hip, the origin of which he now knew,  then across towards her belly button, simply taking his god-damned time, making sure he worshiped every single inch of her body he could get his hands on. His fingers traced her thighs and then up her curves as he moved back upwards, before capturing her lips again in a soft kiss that grew more urgent, but still stayed tender as Frank poured every single emotion he was feeling into her, wanting her to understand how he felt, how much he loved her, how much that was not going to change no matter what. His hand flexed on her hip and she let out a soft moan into his mouth making him pull back slightly, and press his forehead to hers. "I love you." He said softly "I know." She replied, voice barely a whisper. “I love you too.”

His hand moved from her hip, sliding down between her legs as he simply remained where he was, his head pressed to hers and she let out a soft gasp at his touch as he gently worked her. Before long her hips started moving in time with his motions and when he slid his fingers inside of her, curling them slightly she let out a soft cry, her back arching slightly. He dipped his head, gently paying some attention to her beasts, his tongue circling her nipple, before he grazed it softly with his teeth, another action that had her crying out, begging him for more, for all of him. And he wanted to give her what she wanted, exactly what she wanted.

Moving slightly so he was fully over her, she parted her legs further to accommodate him and he took both her hands, lacing his fingers into his and gently laid them by her head as he lined himself up. With a slow, deliberate push forwards he sank into her, and she groaned, her head dropping backwards as he dropped his head slightly, the feel of her around him was almost enough to tip him over right there and then as every single sense in his body was on fire.

 He kept his movements slow, not thrusting, rolling, rocking softly into her over and over again, pressing his body to hers. Soft moans and whispers filled the room, his lips by her ears, telling her how good she was, how amazing she felt, how much he loved her, simply lavishing praise upon her, because she fucking deserved it.

 Eventually, no matter how hard he was trying to fight it, Frank could feel the ribbons in his belly starting to unravel, the familiar tightening across the base of his abdomen was growing stronger and stronger and he knew he couldn’t hold out for long.

 "Lissy..." He half whispered, half gasped into her ear, softly nipping at her pulse point as his hips continued their gentle, deep roll into her "I'm not sure how much longer... are you close baby girl? Please tell me you're close..." She didn't answer with words, instead he felt her tightening around him and he gave another groan as she let out a soft whimper. Then, he heard it, the soft sound of his name, "Frankie.." tumbling from her lips. He nudged her nose with his, making her look at him as she gave a soft moan before she tilted her head back and let out a gentle cry as her back arched, her fingers tightened around his, and she came, her eyes fluttering shut. The sight of her underneath him, giving in to him, coming undone was enough to make him tumble over the edge right after her, gently rutting up into her he felt himself go and his movements became disjointed as he groaned and came with a shudder, utterly blissed and consumed by her.

 Both of them lay still, shaking slightly with the afterglow, and Frank pressed his forehead to hers, his eyes locked straight onto hers, his hands still tangled in hers.

Hers.

Because that’s what he was. And she was his.

 “I love you.” He’d lost count of how much he’d said that over the course of the day but it didn’t matter, because he did, and he wanted her to know. As she wiggled her hands, he released them, dropping to his elbows as she gently ran the tips of her fingers up his spine and into his hair.

 “I love you too.” she replied softly, her eye shining as he leaned down to kiss her.

 When they’d recovered, Frank settled them down as he lay on his back, Fliss safely snuggled into him, head on his chest, arm thrown over his stomach, her leg draped over his. He held her close, simply nuzzling into her hair every so often. Eventually he felt her breathing drop slightly and he glanced down to see she’d fallen asleep. He lay awake for another good hour or so simply holding her as he stared into nothingness, occasionally glancing down to make sure she was still ok. He was struggling to switch off, it had been such an intense evening, and no matter how tired he felt physically, his mind was running ten to the dozen going over everything she had told him.

But, then he felt her stir besides him and he looked down at her, her eyelids were fluttering slightly as she was clearly dreaming, but a soft smile spread on her face as she nuzzled further into him, mumbling something incoherent, and that was it. He realised, she wasn’t having nightmares about it, which was something he’d been concerned about. So if she wasn’t, then why should he dwell on it anymore?

 It was done, he couldn’t change what she’d been through, but he could damned well make sure she never went through anything like that again.

 With a sigh, he gently kissed her head again and settled down against his pillow, finally allowing his mind to close off, and the tiredness catch up with him.

***** Chapter 16

[honey-dewey]

Take me Home, Country Roads

A Writer Wednesday Story

Pairing: Jack ‘Whiskey’ Daniels/GN! Reader

Word Count: 2,313

Warnings: Mentions of Jack’s late wife, but this is entirely fluff

Permanent Taglist: @phoenixhalliwell @star-wars-hell

You and Jack had never had an easy relationship, but it all seems to be coming together now. Especially after you and him decided to have a kid via surrogate. The only issue? Your daughter is nine hours away. I guess this calls for a road trip. 

The prompt for this week’s Writer Wednesday was given, as always, by the lovely @autumnleaves1991-blog. 

“Baby,” Jack shook your shoulder, making you groan and roll over in bed. “Baby.” 

“What?” You said slowly, sufficiently cranky after having been woken up before the sun rose. The clock over Jack’s shoulder read 2:37, and you really wanted to hit him. Why the hell were you awake?

Jack kissed you, and you had half a mind to bite him for waking you up so damn early. “Daniels,” you said against his lips. “You aren’t winning yourself any points with me right now.” 

“Mhm,” Jack hummed. “C’mon. We have to go.” 

“Go?” You sat up, rubbing your eyes. “Go where?” 

One of Jack’s old shirts was tossed in your direction, and he smiled. “We’re picking Frankie up today.” 

Immediately, you felt giddiness fill your stomach as you jumped up, suddenly very eager. You passed Jack, the both of you going about your morning routines in a very rushed way. Today was the day you and Jack were going to drive from your house in Texas all the way out to the middle of New Mexico to pick up your newborn daughter, Marie Francesca Daniels. 

It was nearly three in the morning by the time you were ready to go. Jack yawned, filling a travel mug with coffee and handing you your own travel mug. “Do we have everything?” 

You nodded. “Car seat is in the car already,” you said, checking the items off your fingers as you went. “Diaper bag was packed yesterday, I have that audiobook downloaded, you have the address in your phone, and I just packed snacks.” 

Jack smiled, kissing your forehead. “Are you ready?” 

“No,” you admitted. “But at the same time, yes. I can’t wait to have her here.” 

“I can’t either,” Jack reassured. “C’mon, we have to hit the road.” 

Despite the early hour, you didn’t sleep at all in the car, opting to instead listen to the audiobook you had picked and relax, watching night darkened landmarks pass you by. Exhilaration kept your eyes as open as they’d get until breakfast, and you paid half attention to the book while Jack drove beside you. 

Nine and a half months ago, you and Jack had sat down to have a very serious discussion. Did you want kids or not? Jack had, obviously, said yes, but after the catastrophe that was his late wife, he was hesitant. You were in a similar boat. Kids would’ve been nice, especially considering your ranch house was built for a family, but the process of having kids was something you could never see yourself doing. So after much discussion and a few angry nights, you and Jack found a surrogate. She wasn’t that far away, and she was super sweet. The three of you had met once, to confirm the pregnancy, and all of you had cried. Since then, her health had been well and steady, and last week she’d given birth to your baby girl. She was named after two of Jack’s great grandmothers, one from his mom’s side and one from his dad’s. 

The sun rose earlier than you expected, peering over the hills as Jack continued westward. The hospital in New Mexico was nearly nine hours away, meaning you wouldn’t even reach it until a bit past noon, and you wouldn’t be returning home until well after nine pm. But you didn’t mind, not for this. 

Nearly four hours into the trip, at 7 in the morning, Jack found a relatively healthy place to stop for breakfast. He walked in and got two bagels while you sat in the car, texting the surrogate. She had just woken up, and was almost as excited as you and Jack were for today. 

“Whatcha doing?” Jack asked, getting back into the car and handing you a paper bag with your bagels in it. 

“Texting Jackie,” you said. “She says Frankie is doing a-ok, and is eager to come home with us.” 

Jack smiled. “Still can’t believe you let me name her Francesca.” He handed you your bagel, and you grinned. 

“We made a deal,” you said. “You could name her Francesa as long as it wasn’t her first name. No matter what, I knew we’d be calling her Frankie.” 

“We can call her Marie when she’s in trouble,” Jack said, leaning in close and giving you a kiss. “Thank you.” 

“For what?” You asked, laughing as Jack trailed his kisses down, tickling your skin with his facial hair. 

Jack smiled, humming against your skin. “For letting us have a baby.” 

“Oh Jack,” you murmured, abandoning your breakfast so you could turn your full attention to your cowboy husband. “I wasn’t ever going to stop you from raising a family. Ever.” 

“I know,” Jack reassured. “What do you think about having another one? That house has room for three or four.” 

That brought a huge smile to your face. “Jack,” you said seriously, humor tinting your voice. “Let’s focus on one for now. We can revisit this conversation in two years.” 

Jack pouted, but accepted, leaning back so he could eat his bagel and get back on the road. You ate slower than Jack, absorbing the audiobook you’d started playing again and enjoying seeing all the passing land outside the car. 

A few more hours into your trip, and you were bored out of your mind. The book was super good, and you kept trying to focus your attention on that, but nothing could kill the boredom that was building in your chest. 

“What time is it?” 

Jack sighed. “Ten minutes since the last time you asked,” he said, taking your hand and kissing your knuckles. “It’s about ten thirty.” 

You groaned. “Fuck,” you said, dragging the word out. “I’m so damn bored.” 

Jack chuckled. “My laptop is in the back if you want to screw around with that solitaire program.” 

It was better than doing a whole load of nothing, so you grabbed Jack’s laptop and set it up on top of your thighs. “Am I even allowed to use this?” 

“Why wouldn’t you be allowed to use it?” Jack asked. 

“What if I uncover some big Statesman secrets,” you said, logging in regardless. “What if I destroy the world?” 

Jack smiled. “You cannot destroy the world from my laptop,” he reassured. “Not that one, at least.” 

“This one?” You looked up, surprised. “You mean to tell me you can destroy the world from a laptop you own?” 

Now Jack was full on laughing. “Yeah!” He said. “My work laptop. It stays at work though.” 

You made a face. “Well that’s boring,” you decided, clicking on a solitaire game. “When do you want to grab lunch?” 

Jack shrugged. “According to the GPS, we’ll get there a little after noon, so what do you say to eleven thirty? That way we have time to eat and stuff, plus the car won’t smell.” 

It seemed reasonable to you, so you nodded. “Sounds good,” you said, sliding down in your seat and beginning a forty five minute long solitaire tournament with yourself. 

“Babe,” Jack said softly after you finished the tenth game, nudging you. “Take a look at this.” 

You shut the laptop off and looked up, immediately feeling yourself gasp. Outside the car was a sight you wished you could experience forever. The road stretched on as far as you could see, empty except for you and Jack. The sky was a beautiful picturesque blue with only the barest clouds, none of which dared block the sun. The earth was a gorgeous orange dirt, striped in various shades. Ahead of you stood a few mesas, breaking up the flat expanse of land. It was perfection, and you couldn’t help but pull out your phone to snap a picture. 

“It’s beautiful,” you breathed softly. “Absolutely beautiful.” 

Jack smiled. “There’s a small town ten minutes from here,” he said. “We can stop to grab lunch, and then it’s only another half hour until we’re there.” 

You looked at Jack, surprised. “Was I really playing solitaire for that long?” 

“Yes you were.” 

Lunch ended up being from a food truck, considering that was all you could find in the middle of nowhere, New Mexico. When you got out of the car, you immediately groaned, stretching your legs out and feeling your back pop. 

Jack smiled, grabbing his hat. “Feeling okay over there?” 

You shrugged. “I’ve been through worse,” you decided, looking around. “This place is so cool.” 

“Reminds me of where I grew up,” Jack said, putting his arm around you. “Although my hometown had more grass and less sand.” 

While you two ate at a small picnic table, you texted Jackie, telling her you were only half an hour away. She responded with enthusiasm, and you sent her the picture you took of the landscape. 

The final leg of your trip was very quiet. The audiobook had finished, and neither of you wanted to break the delicate silence in the car. Well, silence was relative, considering Jack was humming John Denver while he drove, but you didn’t mind. 

When you finally pulled into the hospital parking lot, you had trouble getting out of the car. Inside that building was your baby, your little girl. When you looked over at Jack, he looked just as nervous as you. “Ready cowboy?” 

“Ready,” Jack confirmed, taking your hand. “Let’s do this.” 

Finding the room wasn’t hard. A very sweet nurse led you to Jackie’s room, and you stared at the door for a solid minute before knocking. 

“You’re here!” Jackie said, smiling as Jack opened the door. “She’s been an angel for me all morning.” 

You nodded, unable to speak. Wrapped in a soft blanket in Jackie’s arms was your baby. You and Jack had both seen photos, but it seemed nothing would compare to the real thing. Jackie stood, still holding Frankie. “Do you want to hold her?” 

Jack stepped forward, and Jackie put Frankie down in his arms. Jack smiled, cradling Frankie close to his body. “Hey baby,” he said softly. “It’s me, your daddy.” 

Jackie stepped back, towards you. “He’s a natural,” she whispered to you. 

You nodded. “Thank you so much,” you said. “I don’t ever think I’ll be able to thank you enough for what you’ve given us.” 

Jackie smiled. “I’m just glad I was able to help you two.” 

After nearly half an hour of sitting and waiting, you and Jack both holding Frankie, a doctor came around to release her. He checked your daughter over and deemed her okay to leave, and the four of you all walked out together. Jackie waved and smiled from her car as she drove away, rolling her window down to give you one final goodbye. 

You got into the driver’s seat, looking back at Jack, who was settling Frankie into her car seat. “How goes it back there cowboy?” 

“Got it!” Jack said triumphantly, smiling and kissing Frankie’s head. “Sleep tight baby girl.” He closed the backseat door and got into the passenger seat. “Still can’t believe she’s ours.” 

You smiled, taking his hand. “We have a daughter.” 

Jack nodded, his eyes watering. “A daughter,” he said softly. 

By the time you were half an hour away from the hospital, it began to feel more real. Every so often, Jack would check the backseat, finding Frankie asleep every time. She slept soundly, and you almost recommended Jack do the same. He’d been up since really early, and you could tell he needed rest. 

Two hours towards home, you realized that would’ve been disastrous. 

Frankie started to cry, and almost immediately, Jack looked at you. “What’s going on?” He asked, eyes wide. “Is she okay?” 

You nodded. “She’s probably hungry,” you said, carefully pulling over and putting the car in park. “Her bottle is in the diaper bag.” 

Jack took a breath and nodded. “Okay,” he said. “I got this.” 

He got out of the car and picked Frankie up, carrying her to the front seat with him. “That’s it,” he said softly, grabbing the bottle and beginning to feed her. 

You smiled, grabbing your phone to take a picture and send it to every single one of Jack’s coworkers who you had contact with.

“What are you doing?” Jack asked, barely looking up at you. 

“Giving Tequila sufficient blackmail,” you said with a smile. “And showing Ginger her new niece.” 

Jack made a face, laughing when he looked back at Frankie and found her copying his scrunched up face. “Aren’t you just a little troublemaker?” He said. “I know my mama can’t wait to meet you, bumblebee. How’s that sound? Wanna get spoiled by your abuelita?” 

You couldn’t help but smile at that. “Jack,” you said. “Put Frankie back in her car seat, I have to keep driving.” 

“Can I hold her for a bit?” Jack asked, looking up at you with his pleading puppy eyes. “Please?” 

Taking a deep breath, you sighed. “Fine,” you said. “But only for a little bit.” 

Jack smiled, twisting a bit so he could get himself buckled back in. As he did so, you turned the radio on, dialing the volume down a bit. 

You drove like that for a bit, with Jack cradling Frankie in the front seat. He hummed along to the radio, rocking Frankie as he hummed. Finally, the cursed song began to play, and Jack lit up. 

“Almost heaven, West Virginia. Blue Ridge Mountains, Shenandoah River. Life is old there, older than the trees. Younger than the mountains, growin' like a breeze,” he sang along softly with John Denver, and you smiled, turning the radio up a bit. Jack continued to sing, putting a gentle lull over the car as you continued your drive home, your tiny family of three comfortable and together at last. 

“Country roads, take me home, to the place I belong. West Virginia, mountain mama. Take me home, country roads.”

[lady-plantagenet]

What are your top ten novels about the Wars of the Roses? And why?

I think it’s obvious by the length how enthusiastic I was to answer this ask xx thank you for asking me and giving me also an opportunity to make a masterlist of some sorts of all my reviews xx. But you know? I speak like quite the expert but in reality I’ve read very little histfic about TWOTR because I just newly got back into this hobby (about a year ago) and have little time in general so tbh the last three books on this list I do not personally care for but since I’ve read so little novels of this kind they are here nonetheless hhh (so please people, give me no angry asks asking me why I am endorsing PG, I’m not).

1. The Last of the Barons by Lord Edward Lytton-Bulwer

This is quite possibly the best book I’ve ever read in my life. The gap between these books and the rest is a chasm the size of the world and I wpuld genuinely reccomend this book as an actual piece of literature to anyone, not just TWOTR fanatics. It is written in 1840, in quite old timey lingo and it centres around Richard Neville 16th Earl of Warwick, but in the true tradition of a real classic it is more than just a character drama, it astutely showcases the purpose of Warwick and what he did in the context of his wider world and doesn’t just chalk it up to personal greed. There is also this fascinating subplot about courtship, science and such. Hell, you even get this eccentric ‘natural philosopher’ guy called Adam Warner who tries to make something like a steam engine and gets employed as an alchemist by Jacquetta and Edward IV.

From a historical standpoint it is quite biased as the author himself was a politician (and an actual baron) and tbh I don’t completely agree with his interpretation of history and I can see some of the Victorian inluences slip in, but some of his takes are very refreshing and he clearly consulted the primary sources. I am much interested in his philosophy and life outlook though and while I don’t think his Warwick is the Warwick, I think he (Lytton-Bulwer) understood him like no other novelist could. As for the writing style... here’s an excerpt of a good reads review that I agree with and tells you all you need to know:

“Of course, such a style of writing no longer exists. The language used is essentially foreign to us. But the nobility, the pride of this story work their ways into your bones, your heart. You will yearn for honor once you have left it.“

Basically, go type it into google and see what I mean. You don’t even need to purchase this book it’s all online at the first click on Gutenberg.

Nevertheless, I’ve posted excerpts of it here, here and here =)

2. The King’s Grey Mare by Rosemary Hawley Jarman

This book (unlike the latter) has zero actual historical value. Actually, it sort of does in the way that it hilights certain real events that most people are unaware of when it comes to its protagonist: Elizabeth Woodville, eg the whole Cooke tapestry affair and the whole Desmond affair. Both things which I still stand on the fence about (if you don’t know what I’m talking about send em another ask or pm me). But like, it isn’t political, philosophical or such in any way like the first book, yet you still feel like you are *there* in the 15th century - by the time I finished reading it my heart was wrung dry and I kind of fell into a down for a couple of days because I just wanted to feel the magic again. If anyone would ask me I would give this 5 stars because it perfectly achieved what it set out to do (I can’t expect all books to go above and beyond like #1), it made me feel for the characters who were super complex, was accurate historically and even when it wasn’t it made sense, it got very creative with its themes (which I like to see because I am not interested in reading the exact same story over and over again) and the prose was absolutely magical and brought all the depth to this novel. I’ve read classics with less flowing and poignant prose, yes actual classics!

This book also switches POVs quite a lot (basically it headhops because it’s written in omniscient- but whatever, rules are meant to be broken), so you’ll get to see many of your faves in there, Edward IV, Margaret of Anjou and Grace Plantagenet feature quite heavily. One thing that disappointed me is that it wasn’t really Edward IV/Elizabeth Woodville (at the time I bought it for that), she never really likes him and his love for her kind of wanes towards the end. If you’re not too bothered about that then I say go buy it.

3. The Daisy and the Bear by K L Clark

I put this here because we are already going into shakier territory when it comes to this list. This is kind of the last *really* good, truly five star one. It is a long spoof about TWOTR but god it’s smart! Yet, It does not take itself seriously and has Margaret of Anjou/Warwick the Kingmaker as a crackship and centrepiece and had me in stitches the whole time. I’ve written a long detailed review for it here.

4. Death be Pardoner to Me by Dorothy Davies

This is a novel about George Duke of Clarence. Quite possibly the only novel ever written about him in existence and boy is it a trip - the author claims to have channelled him (she’s a medium). I’ve written a detailed review for it here. I read this last spring and my views have unfortunately changed, the thing is, I’ve come to find out through my research that this was quite possibly a hoax as there are some indisputable inaccuracies (Ankarette Twynyho’s age, the details of Isabel’s death - we *know* she did not die from childbirth, Isabel did not reunite with him after Tewksbury 1471, but right before Christmas 1470). It’s also quite Richardian (the author admitted) and she could have *had* me had she not chose to divulge it in the foreword. Nevertheless, I still like this book because it did get to me at certain points and it’s good quality as a novel, I remember shedding a tear at one point even which is extremely rare for me but I think that says more about my sentiment for the subject matter than the book itself.

5. We Speak no Treason by Rosemary Hawley Jarman (not yet finished, so ranking may vary)

I haven’t finished it yet, so I’ll leave it here for now. This book is a Richardian book about Richard III, but I can’t get enough of this author, I haven’t found anyone to replace her with. The prose is magnificent as usual and I must confess that I’m happy that this book is told through the POVs of three OCs and not Richard, he remains rather elusive and tbf I find the three OCs very interesting and at this point I’m more interested in their stories than anything else. Of course, Richard III is still a fairly prominent part of this novel (even when he doesn’t appear) and it has led to me getting annoyed quite a bit. Given who I am I fumed massively at that one aside that Clarence and Edward have bastards whereas Richard isn’t like that... like are you serious?? At one point the author reassociated the Games and Playes Chesse book to Richard when it was in reality dedicated to Clarence and I got even more annoyed. Leave the poor figure something ma’am? Whatever, as a book about three medieval commoners it’s fantastic and that’s what I pretend it is.

6. Wife to the Kingmaker by Sandra Wilson

Nothing more to add than what I wrote in my (super-long) detailed review on here. This is the case because I read it very recently. This is a novel about Anne Beauchamp 16th Countess of Warwick, it’s ranked higher than Sunne because though it’s less accurate it’s got panache.

7. The Sunne in Splendour by Sharon K Penman

I feel very strongly about this Richard III book and what it represents. I wrote a long detailed review about it on here and a follow-up post on the discussion is here ft my awesome mutual @beardofkamenev ‘s insights also thrown into the mix. Xx

8. The White Queen by Philippa Gregory

This is a step higher than the other two because this book pretty much changed my life. The thing is, I read it translated into my own language by an extremely talented translator and I was also only about 11/12 years old so it was all very impressive to me then. This book about Elizabeth Woodville effectively introduced me to the TWOTR; an interest that has never really left me these past ten years (though at one point (ages 14-19) it was quite wane). It’s not a good book by any standard (I was quite shocked when picking it up at a bookstore, I had found that when read in the original language it lost all its magic), but I owe a lot to it and some people who now endlessly discourse about how bad PG is need to recognise their debt of gratitude and be a bit more respectful, I think. That is of course unless you came into this era via different media, but you got to admit that a massive part of us got to this place through TWQ, though we outgrew it.

10. The Red Queen and The Kingmaker’s Daughter by Philippa Gregory

Exact same commentary as above, just objectively not good books. Flat characterisation, misunderstanding of the era, historical innacuracies which don’t add anything, lack of nuance in prose which often dances too close to *gasp* YA prose *shudders*. But these are lower because I don’t owe them a debt of gratitude as I do TWQ. Funnily enough, they are still better than the series.

[agxntkeen]

OC questions 10, 17, 18, 24, 40, 48

I'm gonna do this with my latest oc bc I've been thinking about him a lot lately and also this is a good exercise to flesh him out better. his name is St Clair and he's an artist

10. Do they like children? Do children like them? Do they have or want any children? What would they be like as a parent? Or as a godparent/babysitter/ect?

frankly he doesn't like children much. he doesn't really know how to behave with them. children would probably like him if given the chance, they would be fascinated by his eccentricity. he still doesn't have any children of his own (at least none that he knows of). he doesn’t think he'd be a good father and isn't interested in finding out. he does admire their unrestrained creativity, though. or rather, he covets it

17. Do they like to take photos? What do they like to take photos of? Selfies? What do they do with their photos?

he takes a lot of photos to use as references for his art. he’ll go out in nature and capture fleeting beauty in photographs. he doesn't care for selfies unless he's photographing his own body as a reference or the photo itself is part of an artistic piece. the reference photos he develops (he's old school) and stores in boxes in rented lock-up storage units

18. What’s their favourite genre of: books, music, tv shows, films, video games and anything else

books: strange and wondrous stories with beautiful prose that leave you disoriented long after you put them down. a lot of poetry. he doesn’t mind controversial and taboo topics, transgressive ideas. anything about the history of art. mythology. apart from english, he can also read in french and latin. he subscribes to various art journals and reads whatever articles interest him

music: he likes classical, of course. but what he truly enjoys is the traditional tribal music he's encountered throughout his travels in africa and asia. he's fascinated with any music that's survived from ancient times. almost all of his favorite music is instrumental

tv shows: he simply doesn't watch tv. he'll watch some documentary if someone suggests it to him, given that the topic interests him, but that’s as far as he’ll go

films: nothing mainstream. he likes movies with good aesthetics, film as a work of art. he enjoys french films from the 60s, vintage erotica

video games: he's never played a video game in his life

24. What is their sleeping pattern like? Do they snore? What do they like to sleep on? A soft or hard mattress?

his pattern varies. when inspiration strikes he'll stay up all night working on a piece and then collapse in bed when the sun has already risen and only awake in the afternoon. normally he goes to bed at around 2 pm, and he rarely wakes before 10 in the morning. he snores sometimes but not too loudly. he has a soft mattress and multiple pillows and the softest fur blankets. he’s actually the type to enjoy a water mattress if he didn’t fear it leaking and flooding his bedroom

40. Do they like energy drinks? Coffee? Sugary food? Or can they naturally stay awake and alert?

he'll take coffee in the morning, but as a boost while working he prefers stimulants or hallucinogenics. energy drinks he doesn’t care for

48. Do they enjoy any parties? If so what kind? Do they organise the party or just turn up? How do they act? What if they didn’t want to go but were dragged along by a friend?

he doesn't have the kind of friends that drag him along to parties, he's past that age, but he's often invited to galas and auctions by his contemporaries and acquaintances, and ever mindful of his reputation he just has to attend. though those are not what he truly enjoys, they're often bland and restricted. the exhibitions he enjoys, those are usually inspiring. but when he really needs to wind down he'll organize his own get together with only a few chosen people (often art students who are besotted with him), and they'll listen to inspiring music and discuss art or just get high until the whole thing turns into an orgy

OC asks

[breakingsomething]

Dawn Station - Pilot

Basic summary: Video game developer Jack Mcloughlin is finally releasing a new game after a ten year hiatus.

Content warnings: Murder, dismemberment, body horror

It comes as a shock to everyone, including you, when Jack Mcloughlin announces the release of a new game at the start of the second week of October.

There are several reasons why this is such a big deal. One: Jack Mcloughlin has been making games since he was twenty seven, and has released only five of them in the thirty years he's been doing it. Two: Jack Mcloughlin is world renowned for his fantastic horror games, all done in wildly different styles, but still notably his own. Three: Jack Mcloughlin has not, up til now, so much as mentioned working on a new game. The only social media site he's fully active on is Twitter - which you check regularly for any updates - and before the release of his last game, Ehrmann Lab, he had left a series of cryptic clues for two months leading up to the announcement. Those had been probably the most fun two months you'd ever had in your life, and even helped you make new friends. But this time around, there is no warning. The trailer is dropped at Purina Expo, one of the biggest American gaming conventions of the year. You were incredibly lucky to be able to snag tickets. Usually, this convention is where the hottest games that would be coming out the following year would be announced, trailers would be played, and developers would discuss - so everyone there on October 10th is shocked to not only be the first to see the trailer, but to hear from the man himself. Jack Mcloughlin takes the stage, gleefully announcing the release of Dawn Station on October 31st this year.

Now, the release of a new game from Septic Games - Mcloughlin's own software company, which he founded after his second game's release - is a big enough deal. But this… this is something else. Mcloughlin explains it before the reveal of the trailer, and you listen with great excitement.

"Dawn Station," says the man, practically bouncing across the stage with glee and shouting into his mic with a hoarse Irish accent. "is a feat of modern gaming. Now, I understand that when you play games, it can get boring to replay them later on after you've finished, because - well, you know how it goes! You know all the twists and turns, all the jumpscares, all the fights, all the spooks. But what if I told you that there was a way you could play where things were different each time?"

Behind the man, on a large screen, an image comes up. This is the first promo image for the new game to be shown to the people. The image is of a tilted hallway in what looks like a complex, broken down space station, overgrown with unusual plants that glow and spark. In the centre of the image is an astronaut. His helmet is on the floor, blood soaked. His face is half in shadow. All that can be seen is curly olive hair and neon green eyes - two on his face, and one embedded in his neck. The suit itself is torn, ripped open with a mouth and a dripping tongue where the being's stomach should be. A torch is on the ground behind him, attempting to cast light on the room. The words "Dawn Station" come up in solid, bright green font next to the being's face.

"This is Dawn Station!" cries the developer, over the many excited murmurs of the crowd. "The first ever virtual reality game with a fully developed artificial intelligence antagonist! An antagonist who learns from the players movements and choices, who grows and changes based off of what you do. You control the game, now more than ever! He's clever, he's learning, he knows where you are, and his objective is to kill the player - introducing... Alien X, otherwise known as… the Anti!"

Everyone cheers. Mcloughlin steps aside, a beam splitting his pale face, and allows the room to darken, and the trailer to play.

You're in awe. The trailer shows that you play as a character named Drew Oliver, an astronaut in their mid twenties who's aboard the Dawn Space Station, which has fallen to the planet you seemed to have been monitoring - the Othohiri 5RM. The game seems to revolve around attempting to explore the little bits of the planet that you can while repairing the ship and dealing with your descent into madness, all the while being chased down by the Alien X, a shapeshifting monstrosity who's eager to end your life before you can finish your goals. After watching it… well, everyone is absolutely blown away, especially you. This is unlike anything Mcloughlin had ever produced, especially to this scale. It's no wonder he hadn't produced a game in ten years if this was what he had been working on. You're practically vibrating with excitement at the breathtakingly beautiful scenery and realistic yet perfectly stylistic graphics, and the 8D sound design that seems to echo from all around you. It's incredible. The second you get back to your hotel room that night, you're one of the first to preorder the game.

Your week at the convention ends, and you go back home, counting down the days to the game's release. However, even more exciting things are happening. On Twitter, a few of your favourite youtubers are acting rather cryptic. KrisDoesGAMEZ and rrroadblock, two streamers you like, retweet Mcloughlin's announcement tweet with eye emojis and promises of the game being good. DUSSST, visualthursday and BroAverage make their own posts about it. PeachCheerio and TheSkinnerr upload short update videos promising exciting things to come.

On October 15th, it happens - ten youtubers each upload an early access demo of Dawn Station, having been chosen and given the code to play it by Mcloughlin himself. You don't watch the videos because you want to play the game yourself with no spoilers, but from what you've seen, it's fucking amazing. Critics are already calling it the game of the decade. The internet is thriving, and a few people have already cosplayed Drew, the main character. Your best friend uploads a joking cosplay of the Anti and walks around town with it on. He gets over a thousand likes and teases you about being too good for you now that he's internet famous. You're living for all of this.

On October 16th, youtuber PeachCheerio is murdered in his own home.

Everyone is shocked, rightfully. Here is a man who had streamed just the day before, chatting with his members and looking at Dawn Station memes on Twitch. Today, he was discovered by his girlfriend in his own home. Leaked police reports tell you that the man, whose real name was Ronald Murphy, had been messily dismembered, his organs removed, half of them missing. You're in shock. He was one of your favourite streamers, and maybe it's silly to mourn someone you've never met, but you're deeply, deeply saddened by the news.

However, it doesn't stop there. The very next day, youtuber DUSSST - or Louise Greendale - is found the same way Ronald had been. Louise's girlfriend apparently called the police in hysterics before panic tweeting about the incident. The posts were taken down an hour later. The screenshots of what she'd said trend of Twitter and Tumblr anyway.

This is when the conspiracy theories arrive. Two youtubers dead in two days, both brutally taken apart and missing organs? Some people mock the theorists for it. Who had even said Louise had been killed the same way as Ronald, anyway? That is, until more apparent police reports are leaked revealing the details of Louise's death. The internet goes wild. The Los Angeles police department posts a video begging whoever's causing the leaks to stop, to think about the families of the deceased. All this does is prove that they're true. This video, too, is later taken down.

You log off in disgust. Some people have no fucking shame.

Things heat up the next day, on October 18th, when user rrroadblock, or Aryan Jha, dies as well. The death is covered up for the first few hours afterwards, but eventually is leaked in the same manner as the last two murders. This time, the theorists are no longer labeled as crazy. In fact, everyone's getting in on this mystery now. Three popular youtubers dead now, each found in bloody states in their own homes, three days apart? No one knows what's happening, but that doesn't stop people from guessing. And while you refuse to involve yourself in any of this, you also find yourself wondering who or what - not what, of course it's not a what, that's just ridiculous - who is killing all of these people.

Day four. The internet is silent, waiting. And yes, sure enough, youtuber KrisDoesGAMEZ, or Kris Velvet, is dead.

This time, someone realizes something that makes everyone pause. Each of the dead youtubers are all the ones who were given the free demo of Dawn Station, and are even dying in the order that they played it in. Everyone goes insane. Even you're suspicious - of what, exactly, you don't know, because why would someone murder someone else so brutally over a video game? Despite that, this can't be a coincidence. People place bets on whether youtuber ducksontheroof, or Donna Campbell, is going to be the next one to be found dead. Donna herself makes a statement on her Instagram, expressing disgust at all the people who were spreading such information around. She then deactivated all her socials apart from her YouTube. The people who had been making bets were shamed, and you have to log off yet again. This is getting to be too much.

You stay offline until nearly four pm the next day. Your friend calls you up to give you the news, but you already know what they're going to say. Let me guess, you start, voice flat and tired. Donna Campbell's dead.

They confirm it. You don't know what to say.

Her family put out a statement asking people not to theorize about her death. People do it anyway. Reports state that the remaining five youtubers who had played Dawn Station, along with, surprisingly, Jack Mcloughlin himself, had been taken into police custody. For protection, you assume. Once again, the internet goes insane. This proves their theories about the game connecting all the deaths, and a silent dread and buzz of twisted excitement hangs over everyone. You're just disgusted. People are treating this like some kind of murder mystery game, like this isn't real, actual lives.

Two days pass without news. At the end of the second day, there's yet another leak. Youtubers Doomandgloom - Persephone Henry - and TheSkinnerr - Rodney Pratt - are dead. You're just numb. You're just so fucking numb.

This reveal, of course, inspires yet another debate. If the youtubers had been under police protection, how had they died? Had the police seen anything? Why hadn't the leak said anything about it? Who was killing all these people in so little time, how hadn't they been caught? Had, really, no one seen anything at all?

There are now three youtubers left who'd played the game. Hothothotstanley, or Stanley McIver, visualthursday, or Khia Herrera, and BroAverage, or Chase Brody. You met Stanley McIver, once, at a convention in London three years ago. You have a picture on your memory board of you standing in the convention hall, him with his arm around your shoulder, you with a grin and sparkle in your eye. You can see the picture from your bed. You turn away from it.

However, the next day is a surprise to everyone. A video is uploaded to someone's Twitter - a full, uncensored video of the murder of Stanley McIver inside the government safe house he and the others had seemingly been kept in. The video is immediately taken down and the Twitter deleted, but everyone has seen it. Including you. The video is… horrifying. Of course it is. Why did you watch it? But you do manage to see who it is that killed him. Everyone on the internet does. And this - this video, that's maybe five minutes long - is enough to make everyone go silent.

The killer looks exactly like the Anti from Dawn Station.

No one knows quite what to make of this.

Even less so when Jack Mcloughlin dies the next day.

He's murdered. Same way as all the rest of them, in police custody. Now this is enough to shock everyone into mourning silence. Only a few pricks are left, and their accounts, channels and blogs are swiftly deactivated. Nine deaths in nine days. Nine deaths. Nine. Jack Mcloughlin.

The next day, Khia Herrera - well, you know.

Chase Brody is the last one left alive. You never watched his channel that much - he's really into horror, and is known for his Walking Dead playthrough and his Undertale Genocide run - but you still already feel a strange sense of loss. A sort of emptiness. Something churns in your stomach that you don't understand. There's a lot that you don't understand.

The release of Dawn Station is cancelled.

You spend the night at a friend's house, and just bawl for hours. You shouldn't be so upset, you shouldn't! You never knew any of these people! But fuck, there's something about seeing all these people who you'd been watching online for so long, who have given you so many happy days, so many laughs and inside jokes… just die. How had this happened? Who was it who was doing this?

Your friend sadly suggests it's some sick Jack Mcloughlin hater who decided it'd be fun to cosplay as his newest character and kill people to scare everyone. But while you outwardly agree, you internally know it's not true. Because every time you watch that video, every time you watch Stanley die - and you watch it a lot, just trying to make yourself feel something, even if it's just sick - you can tell the person isn't human. You know that's ridiculous, of course. But there's something about its eyes. Its face. It glances up at the camera and makes eye contact, and grins with too many white, jagged teeth, like an anglerfish. The eye in its throat sees you too. It glows. You shudder every time, watching it shake with glitches and laughter.

You're scared. You feel sick and dizzy and you lock your doors out of fear. You stay inside and open Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram again.

Poor Chase Brody, says the internet. They're already mourning. Already accepted his death. Poor, poor Chase Brody.

You hope he's ok, wherever he is.

[tsukkeisimp]

Truth or Dare

A / N: so hi this is the first thing i’m posting here and it is part of a much longer project i have been working on (and that i plan on posting on here? maybe?). i wanted to share this small portion of it just to see if anyone would actually be interested in reading what i write. if it flops, i never posted it lol.

since this is such a small random part of my project some things might not make sense. so i’m gonna put here some details i think are useful to understand the fic better.

mc (i’m trying to give her a name) is a first year, she goes to seijoh and plays volleyball. eri and mika are her best friends and they’re on her team. she’s childhood friends with tsukki. mika likes oikawa, oikawa likes mc, iwa likes oikawa, mika is iwa’s sister, mc and tsukki are hopelessly in love with each other oop what?. (this is chaotic i know). this is all placed during tokyo camp and yes some girl teams are there too. if you read all this rambling... thank you, i appreciate you a lot. also this is my first time using tumblr i have no idea what i’m doing and english isn’t my first language. okay bye.

Genre: friends to lovers!!! fluff? tsukki simping for mc.

Pairing: tsukishima x reader

“I am soooooo bored!”

Hinata faked an exaggerated yawn after saying that and then pouted, when no one acknowledged his little act. It was 10.30 pm and most of the usually energetic and loud volleyball players had already gone to their rooms to rest; some were tidying up the gyms, after a bit of satisfying but really tiring individual training. and a couple were just outside the gyms, sitting on the grass, yelling and laughing at Hinata.

“Bored. How can he be bored? Does he seriously have any energy left?”

Tsukishima had his earphones on. But no music was playing. The earphones’ typical function had been taken away, and instead they were given a brand new purpose: they were a shield. They protected him from his teammates annoying attacks. From their rambling about how pretty the girls looked that day, their over the top conversations about nationals and their non sense laughing at everything. He didn’t have to be involved in any of this, thanks to his shield.

He casually sat there, staring blankly at the sky, trying so hard to block out all the noise, all the giggles, all the meaningless and unnecessary discussions that were happening.

There was one person who wasn’t fooled by the earphones’ trick though.

“Yo Kei, move over. Let me sit here.”

MC just came out of the gym she had finished tidying up. She had been practicing with Mika until late. They were trying to perfect some of the attacks they were planning to put into action during the friendly matches the following day.

She plopped down next to Kei, their shoulders brushing slightly against one another and her leg resting against his. She took his left earphone out and put it on. There was something incredibly familiar and comforting about that simple act. Suddenly the earphones’ function changed again. They weren’t a shield anymore. He didn’t need one when MC was next to him. The earphones were now like a soft fuzzy blanket, under which him and MC were alone. They were alone together. No annoying teammates allowed. No rambling about stupid stuff. He finally started to feel at peace. All the irritating noise that was becoming unbearable to his ears slowly faded away. He couldn’t help but give all his attention to the girl sitting next him. The noise was officially gone. He could only focus on the warmth of MC’s hand resting on his knee. Her heartbeat, still a bit accelerated after the intense training. The butterflies that were now dancing around in his stomach. Kei didn’t know exactly why or how MC was able to make him feel this way. But he was used to it. It had always been this way. And he liked it.

MC drank the last drop of water that was left in her water bottle and then placed it carefully next to her. Her mind was going over and over Mika’s words of advice regarding the few struggles they had during their last match. Despite the late hour she just couldn’t stop worrying, panicking and stressing. About not being good enough. She was usually pretty confident about her skills, but sometimes her brain liked to give her a hard time.

She was in the middle of giving herself a motivational speech, when Tsukishima’s words interrupted her internal monologue.

‘Are you worrying about your shit timing during blocks again?’

Tsukki had never been one to sugar coat his thoughts or to say half truths. He had always said it as he saw it. And even though a lot of times in the past he had hurt MC’s feelings doing it this way, she had learned to appreciate his brutally honest words. She sighed and nodded slightly.

‘You’ve been improving like crazy though. I think you’re gonna get it right soon if you keep working hard for it. And you never stop working hard so…’

‘I’ll get it right soon.’

‘Yeah you will.’

‘And then I’ll be better than you at everything!’

‘Don’t get ahead of yourself now.’

MC giggled and rested her head on Tsukki’s shoulder. A sense of complete peace and calm spreading through her whole body. She was about to close her eyes to appreciate better this quiet momet with her best friend when…

‘HEY HEEEEY HEY!

Hinata’s right. I am boooored! Let’s do something. How about... we play truth or dare?!’

Bokuto screamed his proposal as if it was the best idea ever.

‘Truth or dare…? What are we? Middle schoolers?’ Mika giggled a little and then looked up from her phone. She was surprised to see most people seemed rather amused with the suggestion and not disgusted like her.

‘Don’t be like that Mika… it could be fun! And we could uncover some secrets!’ Eri laughed, excited. Yachi, who was sitting next to her, couldn’t help but laugh with her and nod, approving of the idea.

Sitting in a circle that night was a weird group of people. Karsuno 1st years and Nishinoya and Tanaka were there, mostly because they wanted to hang out with the Seijoh girls. Mika, MC and Eri were there, with the 3rd years looking over them. Oikawa and Iwaizumi had joined because Iwa debated that ‘It’s not like I’m gonna let my little sister just hang out with you all alone’. Bokuto was of course there, Akaashi sitting next to him praying he wouldn’t get himself into trouble. Then some of the Nekoma guys and girls.

‘I don’t think I’m gonna get involved.’ Tsukishima stated. Putting his earphones back on.

Kuroo immediatly grabbed him by his shirt and dragged him next to him.

‘C’mon Tsukki dude, don’t be boring! Play one round!’

The game had been going on for 20 minutes. It had been pretty standard. Most people were choosing truth and the questions were always about volleyball. Who do you honestly think is the best spiker in this circle? And who’s the best setter? Do you think that team really has a chance at nationals? Who’s the best at receiving? And so on. A couple of the guys had chosen dare. Run around the gym 2 times. Do a handstand. Challenge this other guy at arm werstling.

It was Oikawa’s turn.

‘Truth or dare?’ Iwaizumi asked.

‘Dare.’

‘Kiss the prettiest girl in here.’

Iwaizumi knew exactly what he was doing. All Oikawa had been talking about for the past month was this girl. He didn’t know if it was a serious crush, but he definitely saw something in her. She had all of his attention, but she didn’t seem to care too much about it. Which was pretty stupid, Iwaizumi thought. Because anyone would be lucky to have Oikawa’s attention and care.

Everyone went silent. There hadn’t been any kissing yet, so it was exciting someone finally asked a question like that. But also gross and childish some would argue.

MC had gotten a little bored with the game, she wasn’t really paying attention anymore.In fact she was too busy looking at her phone to even notice Oikawa was right in front of her.

‘Huh?’ she looked up, confused. Everyone was looking in their direction. ‘Is it my turn already?’

A couple of the boys giggled, the girls were just staring, too curious to know if Oikawa was really going to kiss a first year.

‘Oikawa has to kiss the prettiest girl here.’ Iwaizumi repeated, to give her a little warning of what was about to happen. But it was too late. Oikawa was already pressing his lips against hers, everyone watching in a mixture of shock and amusement.

Iwaizumi looked away. Mika, who had been sitting next to MC for the whole game, moved uncomfortably closer to Eri, but she just couldn’t take her eyes off from what was happening. Her best friend and the guy she had always had the biggest crush on were kissing.

Nishinoya, Tanaka and Shoyo opened their mouths in shock and they were about to scream at Oikawa to keep it short, to stop it already. Five seconds had already felt like five minutes. They were about to scream, but MC beat them to it.

After a couple of seconds of pure shock and panic, MC finally realised what was happening and pushed Oikawa off of her.

‘What… I … what?’

MC was usually the type of person who always had something to say, a story to tell, an opinion to share, a compliment to pay. She never kept her mouth shut. But in that moment she truly was at a loss of words.

Tsukishima hadn’t really been paying attention to the scene. Until now. He was alarmed by MC’s silence.

He didn’t really care Oikawa was kissing his best friend. He wasn’t shocked, he already knew he liked her. And he knew she didn’t like him back. He had observed the kiss from afar, without feeling any special way about it. When he saw MC pushing Oikawa off of her, he was expecting to hear her laugh and say something sarcastic. Or to see her roll her eyes and scream at him that the kiss was disgusting.That didn’t happen though. It was only silence. From that lack of words and the absence of her usual laughter and sarcasm, Tsukishima understood something wasn’t right. He didn’t know what, but the expression on her face said it all to him. She was upset.

The game didn’t last long after that kiss. The tension became unbearable pretty quickly. It was unclear to everyone what the cause of this tension was. MC was awfully quiet. Mika had switched places with Eri, as if she didn’t want to sit next to her best friend anymore. Iwaizumi refused to high five Oikawa after the kiss and Nishinoya claimed he would’ve punched Oikawa first chance he got.

A couple minutes later they all agreed it was time to go to bed.

 ‘Kei...’

As they were all walking to their rooms, MC tugged Tsukishima by his shirt and whispered to him.

‘Mh?’ He tried not to look concerned, as if he hadn’t already noticed something was bothering her.

‘Can you talk for a minute?’

‘Yeah, I guess.’

They waited for everyone else to go into the bedrooms and then they walked outside again. Tsukki leaned on the wall, looking at the girl that had been his best friend for years behaving in a way he couldn’t quite read. He was going over what had happened in his head, analysing every little expression he catched on her face, every single sound. But he still didn’t understand.

‘Is something wrong? Did Oikawa bit your tongue or something?’ He chuckled.

What was an attempt to make MC laugh, made her blush violently instead. She was freaking out. That kiss came out of nowhere and disiorented her. She was not ready.

‘That was my first kiss.’ she spat out, sighing immediatly after and biting her lip nervously.

Tsukishima still didn’t really see the problem.

‘I know.’ he just said quietly.

‘I can’t believe that was my first kiss. I can’t believe I had my first kiss with Oikawa. I didn’t want it to be with him.’ MC’s leg was was bouncing up and down. It was something she always did when she was worried or concerned or stressed about something. It drove Tsukki insane.

‘Why did you let him kiss you then?’

‘’I- I… I didn’t let him! It all happened so fast. As soon as I looked up from my phone his lips were… there. God, this is a disaster. I can’t believe it just happened. Uuuugh.’ She let out a loud exasperated breath and covered her face with her hands. Her leg still going crazy.

‘… Whatever MC. It’s just a first kiss. Not that big of a deal.You’ll get other kisses. Plus it was barely a peck.’

‘I wanted my first kiss to be with someone I liked...or at least tolerated. But not fucking Oikawa.’

‘Just pretend it never happened. Pretend it doesn’t count.’

‘But I can’t stop thinking about it! Ah God…’

Tsukishima was quiet for a moment. He was really trying to think of a way to make his best friend stop panicking so much. He was tired and wanted to sleep and she looked sleepy too. He needed to find a solution and he needed to find it quickly.

‘Okay. I’m gonna give you a kiss right now. You can pretend this one is your first kiss and not Oikawa’s. You said you wanted it to be from someone you tolerate right? Unless you wanna go wake up one of the other guys… I can do it.’

MC’s leg didn’t stop bouncing, She thought about it for a moment and then nodded.

‘Mh… okay.’

Tsukishima didn’t think twice about it. He walked towards the girl, who was leaning against the wall, took her face in his hands and placed a short and sweet kiss on her lips. He felt her whole body relax under his touch and her leg finally stopped moving. Her back relaxed against the freezing cold wall of the building, but Tsukishima’s kiss was making her feel nothing but burning.

Tsukki had planned to break off the kiss after just a couple seconds, but his head was spinning so fast and the butterflies in his stomach were dancing so violently he just couldn’t stop himself. He wanted more. He wanted to stay that close to her just a little longer. He wanted to feel the soft skin of her cheeks against his hands just a little longer. He wanted to be intoxicated with her perfume just a little longer. He wanted to hold her and protect her just a little longer.

But just as he was wishing, praying, imploring for a little longer, MC decided that was actually enough for her. She didn’t need a little longer.

As the kiss ended, they both blushed violently and looked away from each other.

‘Night Kei… thank you.’ MC was grateful for her best friend. He had actually managed to make her stop thinking about Oikawa’s kiss. Kei’s kiss… actually made her heart feel something. Her brain was now only focusing on Kei’s hands on her face, Kei’s lips on hers, Kei’s flustered expression as they parted. She didn’t know why her heart felt like it was about to burst. She assumed it was because he was so so so special to her.

Kei’s heart also felt like it was about to burst. He knew exactly why though. He didn’t have to assume. He had just realised, as raging disappointment took over his body when MC ended the kiss before he was ready for it to end. He was in love with her. He was deeply in love with her. And he probably had been for a while. As quickly as he understood this though, another sudden realisation got clear into his head. She hadn’t been praying for a little longer like he did. He was certain she didn’t love him the way he loved her.

[valhallanrose]

K and S from the dirty headcanons for all of them! 👀

Insert ‘anything for you, Beyonce’ vine here. I’ve got a margarita in me, time to get SPICY

Dirty A-Z Headcanons here

For obvious reasons, answers under the cut.

Since these are both multi-part I’ll answer each question for each OC, but I’m gonna do it in bullet points for the sake of my brain. 

K - Kissing (what parts of their body do they like having kissed? what parts of their partner do they enjoy kissing? do they like leaving marks/having marks left on them?

Zelda

Loves her wrists, the space just in front of her ear, and the insides of her knees to be kissed, especially if those kisses are laid out on the journey elsewhere.

Loves to kiss her partners on their temples, shoulders, and lower belly. Also of course a fan of a light kiss to whatever bits her partner has, usually paired with a cheeky look and a ‘would you rather me be here?’. Also, hello, tits??? Grabby hands, put them in her mouth now

Adores both giving and receiving marks, wears them with pride if they’re in visible places. Can, will, and has bitten a partner’s ass to watch them squirm a bit when they sit down later on. Scratches are great when she’s topping, love bites are ideal when she’s bottoming, and god help her if her partner is wearing lipstick. She’s an adult, she fucks, if you’ve got beef that’s your problem

Miriyam

Prefers her kisses on her mouth, but if she had to pick other places - her back, her neck, and her inner thighs. Loves her ribs as well, though it’s more of the giggling kind of enjoyment than horny enjoyment. 

Happily gives kisses on necks, in the center of her partner’s chest, and when she’s feeling mushy/soft, foreheads or cheeks. Not really discriminate on kiss locations though, she also likes giving them on ankles, wrists, and lower backs. Also an ass biter. Suddenly I understand why Miriyam and Zelda work in that one AU. 

Miriyam less likely to give markings normally, but she loves giving love bites and bruises. She’ll keep them to areas that can be covered if you ask, but otherwise she is literally going for the throat. Not particularly picky about what she receives, though, she generally just thinks that kind of shit is great. 

Monster Miri is aggressive with marking. if you don’t tell her otherwise, she will grab with enough strength to bruise, and you will get bitten. A lot. She’s a territorial bastard and it scratches the protective itch. 

Astoria

Please kiss their hands, any and all pulse points, and their back. Particularly if you kiss the phases of their moon tattoo down their spine, it makes them squirm like there’s no tomorrow. Kisses on their chest make them soft and if you kiss their ass, they’re just going to tell you they’d rather sit on your face if your mouth is already down there

Usually they prefer to kiss mouths, but chests (over the heart), wrists, and the pulse point on their partner’s neck are all fair game. Also generally just enjoys putting their mouth on bellies and thighs, because they’re soft and they feel nice. Please smother them. 

They prefer to keep marks to where they can be covered on themself, which isn’t hard for their wardrobe, but when giving they’ll put them anywhere their partner wants. However, nothing makes them go more feral than the idea of leaving lipstick kisses on every bit of skin they can get their mouth on. Especially if mixed with some small love bites here and there. Drool. 

Matilda

Tilly would love it if you kiss her thighs, ankles, or her abdomen. She loves her legs, they look great, please worship them and give them the attention they deserve because they are not this toned for nothing

Preferred kiss deliveries are to lower backs, the backs of knees, and stomachs - mostly because she thinks they’re under-appreciated but she also loves it if it makes her partner giggle. The good kiss spots are for when you can make your partner laugh during sex. 

Not a fan of receiving marks, but will dig her nails in and give some good scratches if her partner is into it. It’s too risky if she’s in a show and she prefers clothing that shows off a bit of skin when it warms up, so she’d rather not stress about how it looks professionally. Prefers the aftermath of ruined makeup on herself after a good obliteration, though, so go for it, she’ll thank you later. 

Tamryn

Absolutely adores his hands, chest, or his upper back/the back of his shoulders being kissed. It makes him feel mushy, especially if done when cuddling in one way or another

Prefers to give kisses to jaws, collarbones, and fingertips, though his favorite thing to do when he’s feeling soft is body worship with his hands, quickly following the trail they make with his lips. Odds are he’d spend hours happily mapping every inch of his partner’s body with his lips and fingers if they didn’t stop him. 

He enjoys marking - because he can’t enjoy them visually, he focuses more on sensation. He prefers them on the softer parts of his body for the lighter, tingly kind of enjoyment, and spots like his ribs to make him jump because it feels sharper and draws his attention more. Also, to be entirely honest, bite his tits. He will jump but he loves it, especially if he can lace a hand into his partner’s hair while they do. When giving, he just likes to be directed where they want their marks, though he is also inclined to grip hard if he’s being ridden 

S - Sleepy sex (do they give oral to wake their partner up? do they like receiving oral to wake up? do they like fucking their partner awake? being fucked awake? how about being fucked to sleep at night? do they have lazy morning sex?

Note: I’m running on the assumption of a discussion beforehand about consent and boundaries, because that’s important. Even if my OCs are okay with something, they’d never do it if their partner isn’t also okay with it. If this isn’t your cup of tea, that is a-okay, just go ahead and scroll on by, I understand. That being said, away we go!

Zelda

Will give oral to wake a partner up, and very happy to do so if given permission. 

Loves receiving as well, though she’s more enthusiastic about giving in the mornings. Heavy sleeper means you can move her around a little bit, and you’ll know she’s awake when her thighs start squeezing your head.

Zelda’s situation for ‘woken up with sex’ is pretty specific, but I digress. She’s a stomach sleeper, and if her partner were, say, to gently turn her over and start trailing kisses down her skin, she’d be very receptive to oral once she’s in that sort of drowsy, awake-but-not-ready-to-leave-bed state. Which, at that point, she will start waking up pretty quickly, and if penetration is on the table after that point, she’d be very inclined to pillow princess for once. Just don’t be too rough on her, mornings are for soft and lazy and cozy, obliterations are for nighttime. 

Not really inclined to fuck someone else awake, but would wake a partner up for the explicit purpose of asking for sex because she’s horny. Which, honestly, that happens sometimes, she has no shame in admitting that.

Loves a good romp at the end of the night, both for the purpose of tiring herself out or her partner, it’s just a good way to go to sleep after a long day. She’s usually fairly energized and will take the chance to wind down in one way or another if her partner is feeling indulgent, but if she really feels restless, she can take care of herself. 

Lazy morning sex is definitely good, but uncommon with Zelda, usually because she likes to get up and start getting ready for the day rather than lazing about. Which is also why it’s better to wake her up with sex, she’s content to stay right there and pillow princess the morning away for a little while rather than jump straight out of bed. 

Miriyam

Not a fan of receiving oral to wake up, it just isn’t her thing.

However, she will happily settle in and wake her partner up with oral, if she’s late she’s late and she’ll eat the consequences for that after she’s done eating -

Not a fan of being fucked awake, sleep is a vulnerable state for her and being moved around for that will set her into a fight instinct rather than anything else. Also not really the type to fuck someone else awake for similar reasons, she doesn’t like it on herself and won’t do it to others

Shitty day at work? Will accept both an obliteration and doing the obliteration, fucking her or fucking a partner to sleep is absolutely ideal, though you might start crossing into the Monster Miriyam instinct here. Horny bastard. 

Loves the idea of lazy morning sex, but given that mornings for her on days off are something like two pm, odds are it’s just her dragging you back to bed for a cuddle and sex in the middle of the day. Not that she’s complaining, it’s a day off for a reason. 

Monster Miriyam falls pretty close in line with this, but, well. There’s no such thing as a lazy morning with her. You can pillow princess in the mornings, but you’re definitely going to be awake for it. 

Astoria

You will get absolutely socked if you try and fuck them awake. Or kicked if you try oral. Point is, don’t try it if they’re not awake yet. 

Given the strength of their feelings about receiving, their thoughts about giving are also probably pretty clear. 

Not at all opposed to being woken up for sex, but like...give them five minutes. And a few kisses. They’ll make it clear when they’re good to go, promise.

Loves sex at the end of the day. Sometimes their mind is so active that it’s hard for them to shut it down, but an orgasm (or more, if their partner is feeling indulgent) puts their head in this really warm, calm space that’s great for going to bed in. 

Lazy mornings run on the assumption you wake up before them, which feels unlikely, but they are inclined to stay in their pajamas on lazy days. They wear these light, loose cotton nightgowns, and just those nightgowns to bed, but even if they’ve gotten out of bed to do something, they’ll come back. Especially if they can pull the bottom of said nightgown up around their hips and straddle their partner in one way or another, clothed sex is a big thing of theirs. 

Matilda

Not as violent as Astoria if you try oral or fucking them awake in the morning, but she will very quickly push you away and give you the silent treatment. 

Also not really likely to wake up her partner that way, it’s just not her thing

You can, however, meet her in the shower for a quick bit of morning fun before she has to run to work. Her shop, her hours, her problem if she’s late. 

Definitely loves sex at night to wind down. It’s her preferred time for it, too, when she can take her time and not have to stress about work or orders or rehearsal - just focusing on her partner and making each other feel good, and that’s it. Granted, if she had rehearsal that day, there is not a force on this earth that will make her do anything other than pillow princess. 

Lazy morning sex is kind of...eh, in her opinion. She’s usually up at the crack of dawn to go for a run, and if it’s when she gets back, she will literally do nothing before showering. Wakes her up more. However, she will give oral if her partner would like it when she’s done in the shower, and if they didn’t already join her. 

Tamryn

Please do not give him oral when he’s asleep, he has a morning checklist he goes through when he wakes up to orient himself and waking up with a mouth on his dick throws him into something of a panic. He knows he went to bed with his partner, yeah, but he just doesn’t have the awareness to want that right away. 

Not inclined to give oral to wake a partner up either, but if once they’re awake fully and they’d like oral afterwards, that’s a request he can manage happily

See above points for why he does not fuck awake or be fucked awake, thank you

Loves sex at the end of the day, though he’s usually more inclined to bottom at that point. It’s a good time to get him very subby and very pliant, though if you want him to top, you can squeeze a service top out of him with some direction. Good for winding down at the end of the day. 

Lazy morning sex is a whole Tamryn mood. He likes to position his bed in spaces where the sun filters through the window so he’s warm when he does come to, and he loves to cuddle while he motivates himself to get out of bed. That being said, this is a good time (in his opinion) for sex, especially if you want him to top. He’s feeling warm and fuzzy and just wants to take his time, and he will if you let him. After that? Shit, he might not even need his usual morning coffee to power through the rest of the day. 

[rpgsandbox]

Simulating a Comic Book World  

Comic book RPGs tend to be sub-divided into “descriptor-based” and “effect-based” games. “Bolt of Fire” is a descriptor, while “Ranged Attack that deals 50 points of damage to one target” is an effect. A descriptor-based game prioritizes the descriptor over the effects. An effect-based game prioritizes the effects over the descriptor.

Ascendant strives to be neither a descriptor-based nor effect-based game. It is, rather, a physics-based game. The game mechanics are intended to be the physics engine of the game world. Powers have both descriptors and effects. Some effects are precluded by the logic of the descriptor, and some descriptors inevitably entail certain effects. The mechanics are elaborate and detailed (as in an effect-based game) but they are also broad and universalized (as in a descriptor-based game). Players are expected and encouraged to use their powers in whatever manner makes sense within the physics of a comic-book world, but not in ways that don’t make sense.

If a descriptor-based system aims to let players experience a comic-book story, and an effect-based system aims to let players play a superhero game, our physics-based system aims to let players simulate a comic book world. To do so, we have created logarithmic chart-based universal mechanics, a style of design that has not been widely used in the last two decades, but which will be instantly familiar to fans of the classic FASERIP and MEGS RPGs from the 1980s.  

Learning the Game  

The easiest way to learn about Ascendant is to get walked through a character stat block. Below is the stat block for Aurora. Previously a D-grade celebrity from a TV  reality show, her ambition to be a dazzling star in the spotlight was granted…sort of… when she manifested the ability to control and generate light. Now she is one of the most famous ascendants in the world, with brand sponsorships from beauty and fashion companies, her own press team, and a prestigious membership in the Star-Spangled Squadron, America’s premier team of crimefighting ascendants.  

Up at the top you can see Aurora's Character Points, Power Limit, and Challenge Rating. Character Points (CP) are used to construct characters. An average human has 200 CP. A trained soldier has 240 CP. An exceptionally impressive, formidable and renowned human in the real world has 400 CP.  Every 80 CP represents an approximate doubling of the character’s competency across all capabilities. With 940 Character Points, Aurora is one of the 20 most powerful superhumans in the world. Power Limit constrains how  characters can allocate their CP and is analogous to class level in a D20 RPG. Challenge Rating shows how powerful a character is relative to a trained soldier. Aurora can defeat 500 US infantry simultaneously - she's a tough woman.  

Over on the right, below her image, you'll see Aurora's Primary Attributes: Might (MIG), Agility (AGI), Valor (VAL), Resolve (RES), Insight (INS), and Charisma (CHA). Each of these Primary Attributes are rated in Supermetric Points (SP). SP are logarithmic; each additional one SP has a value equal to double the amount of the previous SP.  Ordinary people have 3 SPs in each of their Primary Attributes, and the most impressive humans typically have no more than 5 SP in any Primary Attribute. With 7 SPs of Agility, Aurora is four times more agile than an Olympic athlete. With 12 SPs of Charisma, Aurora is 500 times more magnetic and alluring than any ordinary person.

To the left of the Primary Attributes are Aurora's Secondary Attributes, which rate factors like Initiative, Passive Spotting Range, Height, Income, and more. With a Flight Speed of 14 SPs, Aurora can fly at Mach 24!

Below the Variable Attributes we list Aurora's Powers. Her most important Power is Agile Light Control. Light Control is a pre-defined Power Set that allows her to emulate many other powers.  (The rules let you build your own power sets if you want, yes!)

The word Agile in front of Light Control is a modifier that changes how the power works. In this case, it means that Aurora uses her Light Control in conjunction with her Agility rather than her Insight. Between Powers, Power Sets, and Modifiers, there are infinite possibilities available to make virtually any character you can imagine.

Below Powers we've listed Aurora's Skills. Skills can be substituted for Primary Attributes for specific purposes. For instance, Aurora has 14 SPs of Aerial Combat. If she's the target of a ranged attack while she's flying, she can substitute her Aerial Combat score for her Agility score, making her much harder to hit.

Below the Primary Attributes, you can see Aurora's Perks and Drawbacks. Perks function similarly to Feats in a D20 RPG. Some of the most important Perks are the Combat Maneuvers, which allow you to trade damage for accuracy and vice versa. Aurora's got two Combat Maneuvers as well as a host of other Perks related to her status as a celebrity member of the elite Star-Spangled Squadron.

Aurora has a number of minor Drawbacks such as her Code of Honor ("always be fabulous") as well as one very serious Drawback called a Vulnerable State. A Vulnerable State models all the situations that can result in heroes becoming weaker or losing their powers. Exposed to meteorites from your homeworld? Caught out of your powered armor? Forgot to recharge your power ring? Not angry enough to turn green? All modeled with Vulnerable State. Aurora's Vulnerable State is that all of her powers are based on her egoistic desire to be a star; if she's ever reduced to 0 Determination, she gets depressed, loses her superpowers, and acquires a host of flaws.

Speaking of Determination, that's one of the game's Variable Attributes. The other one is Health, and both are listed near the top of the sheet. These are like Hit Points in a D20 Game. Unlike the other Attributes, Variable Attributes aren't rated in SP, just in raw numbers, so that when you deal and take damage it's all scaled correctly.

As for how the game itself works, it's so easy even a 200-CP ordinary human can play it! Anytime you want to make an Action, you choose your Action Value (AV) and then subtract the Difficulty Value (DV) to yield a Resolution Value (RV). You then roll 1d100 on the Challenge Action Resolution Table, or CHART, to see your Color Result. The CHART is carefully structured so that the expected values for any AV versus any RV are exactly what they ought to be, given the logarithmic nature of the Attributes.  (It's pretty slick if you like math and we'll update on this in more detail later.)

Let's simulate Aurora shooting a Thermal Blast at the blindsighted assassin Helen Killer. Down at the bottom of her sheet, we've listed Aurora's Attacks. Each Attack has an Action Value and a Base Damage. If Aurora fires a Thermal Blast at Helen Killer, her AV for the Attack is 14 SPs and her Base Damage is 256. Her DV for the Attack is Helen's Combat Sense, which happens to be 13 SPs. That gives Aurora an RV of 14 - 13 = +1 on the CHART. Let's say her player rolls a 32. Scanning across the "1" row of the RV (Attack) column, we see that 32 falls into the Yellow range, so Aurora has scored a Yellow result on her Attack.

When you score a Green result when making an Attack, you deal Base Damage, while Yellow, Orange, and Red results increase damage by a factor of 2, 4, or 8. Since Aurora scored a Yellow result she deals 512 points of Damage to Helen Killer. Helen now gets to  apply Protection like Forcefield or Invulnerability, then Roll With the Attack to reduce Damage in exchange for taking on various Conditions like "Dazed" or "Staggered".

We'll discuss the rules more in future updates but if you want more details, be sure to check out the sneak preview of the game’s first two chapters at the link below!

                              LINK: Sneak Preview Chapter 1 & 2

What if Superhumans Had Just Emerged?

Enough about rules. Let's talk about setting! Ascendant includes an optional campaign setting inspired by comics like Watchmen, The Boys, Squadron Supreme, The Authority, and Invincible. The world of Ascendant  doesn't begin to diverge from that of our real world until 2012, and the first superheroes don't go public until the Battle of Atlanta in 2018, meaning your player characters will be among the first superhumans to ever don tights and fight crime.  The setting is presented as an epistolary novel made up of leaked documents, transcripts, newspaper clippings, and emails that you can print out and give to your players - like this one.

Of course, we also include statistics for all of the major characters and organizations presented in the backstory, too. If you're intrigued, be sure to download the sneak preview of the campaign setting by clicking on the image below.  (Art and layout not yet final!)

                             LINK: Sneak Preview Campaign Setting

The Art of Ascendant  

Comics are a visual medium and no comic book game should be without amazing illustrations. We’ve secured a team of top comic book artists to bring the world of Ascendant to life. Here's some samples of the artwork we've already commissioned. With your support, there'll be lots more!  

AIRBORNE faces STILETTO in a rooftop battle between hero and anti-hero

Hyperkinetic teleporter WARP confronts blindsighted assassin HELEN KILLER

The world's first (and only) ascended manatee, LEVITEE, visits NYC on his Goodwill Tour

AURORA of the Star-Spangled Squadron is greeted by adoring fans

============================================================

Kickstarter campaign ends: Wed, April 1 2020 6:00 PM BST

Website: Autarch

[autumnblogs]

Day 9: Troll Time

Time to get trolled.

https://homestuck.com/story/1527

This is the first of the events that I’ve noticed enough to talk about in Homestuck that alludes to the Alpha Kids. While Roxy on the other side of the scratch is the one actually responsible for the disappearance of Jaspers and the Pumpkins, at this point in the story, we have some pretty good suspects for exactly who disappeared both of them.

I could see myself guessing that Jade’s penpal is one of the trolls, but it wouldn’t be my first guess. I’m going to pay close attention to all of the events on one side of the scratch that are caused by the other side of the scratch, because my theory is that a Scratched Universe, more than anything else, is really terminated rather than truly being retroactively erased. Too much doesn’t make sense from a causal perspective (not necessarily from a temporally linear one) if a scratched universe is actually erased entirely, or even if it is closed off from the rest of existence - why can information enter and leave a Scratched Universe at all from an outside perspective, for example?

Are Side A Side B teleporters, appearifiers, and so on and so on, loopholes? Maybe it has something to do with the nature of Void, the Furthest Ring, and their seeming exclusion from the rules the rest of Paradox Space is required to follow.

The Doylist answer, which in Homestuck is also allowed to be the Watsonian answer, might be that while a Scratched Universe is *materially* erased, information about it is still permitted to propagate through narrative contrivances such as the author. Fenestrated planes can easily be considered narrative contrivances, but if we use this as our theory, it seems like Appearifiers and Sendificators would also have to be Narrative Contrivances (which I’m going to spell with a capital NC from here on out.) I... actually don’t have a problem with this hypothesis, so it’s what I’m going with. Also, since a friend of mine who’s reading this liveblog asked, I’m going to post a link to the tvtropes article on those two terms at the start of this paragraph for anyone who doesn’t know what I’m talking about.

Perhaps, given the proclivity for the Void to preserve lost information in the form of dreams and memories, and given the nature of Space as the medium through which events normally propagate (as well as the fundamental medium of storytelling from which all other storytelling mediums derive their medium-ness), and their proximity on the Aspect Wheel, Narrative Contrivances are objects which have are shared between these two domains - as objects associated with the Void, Narrative Contrivances are permitted to follow their own set of rules which to someone outside of the universe are obvious, but to anyone inside the universe are a complete black box, and as objects associated with Space, Narrative Contrivances function as a means by which to propagate information in such a way as to preserve causality, the logical topology of Paradox Space, and with them, the self-fulfilling nature of Paradox Space. They allow the world-line of objects travelling through the narrative to remain consistent, even when they would violate material geographical conventions.

This description of Narrative Contrivances makes me think a lot of things could be Narrative Contrivances, like First Guardians, for example, who can violate the speed of light.

This is all a lot of silly bullshit, but it’s fun to come up with theories to describe and predict Homestuck (and future Homestuck works, even though I’m not terribly invested in them.)

This has been a long Cold Open. More after the break.

https://homestuck.com/story/1529

John gets cyberbullied!

Man. Cyberbullying has really gone from being an individual concern to being an apocalyptic issue. Who knew? Maybe in writing the trolls and their cyberbullying as being inextricable from the apocalypse, Andrew Hussie predicted this.

I’m not trying to understate John’s issues by comparing them to stuff like massive social media disinformation campaigns - receiving Death Threats as a thirteen year old is terrifying, and on a general level, the fact that this kind of horrible shit was commonplace in the earliest days of social media should have been a big indicator that what was yet to come was going to be so, so much worse.

I’m also not trying to jocularly exaggerate the threat that almost completely lawless social media has on society. If you haven’t already, check out the excellent documentary The Social Dilemma, and then delete your Facebook account if you haven’t already (and since you’re reading my extremely anti-capitalist anti-patriarchy liveblog on tumblr, you’ve probably already done that. If you have, good for you!) And your twitter for good measure, come on, you know who you are. Mabe your tumblr too while you’re at it.

Cyberbullying is part of a larger theme in Homestuck, another one of those things that it’s Capital A About. As a work that is not only about growing up, but specifically about growing up in the information age, Homestuck is repeatedly about the ways that Social Media don’t just bring us together, but keep us apart from one another. Cyberbullying is one of the effects of Social Media pushing people apart - it’s so, so much easier to threaten to kill someone when you don’t have to look them in the eye while you’re doing it, and when you have the anonymity of a string of alphanumeric characters as a name to hide behind.

https://homestuck.com/story/1537

The Black Queen is a very bad woman. It’s always intrigued me that the Queens allow their counterparts’ agents free movement through their territory like this even on the eve (or the advent?) of full-scale war between their kingdoms. PM is just allowed to wander around Derse unsupervised.

I suppose that if even God and Satan can afford each other a bit of token civility while discussing the fates of sinners, so can Prospitians and Dersites.

https://homestuck.com/story/1542

@zeetheus​ John’s definitely proceeds Rose’s bluh.

Rose sips her Mom’s martini for the same reason that she later falls prey to alcoholism. Trying to grow up without help, Rose interprets the martini as a symbol of parental authority, the same way that she interprets the partaking of beverages in general as being a ritual of intimacy with her Mother. Empty signifiers.

https://homestuck.com/story/1549

Jack Noir’s grating voice is so outrageously distracting that it prevents itself as an intrusive thought in the Narrative for PM.

Actually, come to think of it, *all* of the Carapacians talk pretty much exclusively via narration. I wonder if that’s representative of an altered relationship with their narrative reality, which is the first time ever I’ve had that thought pretty much at all.

I always just chalked it up to one of the quirks of Andrew’s writing style, but especially when we take into account the fact that Homestuck is as metanarrative as it is, and that Carapacians are the only characters in Homestuck Proper who interface with the narrative prompt except for the audience, Andrew, and Caliborn himself, I can’t help but wonder. Maybe as living gaming abstractions, in spite of their limited intelligence and abilities, Carapacians have a unique relationship with the narrative laws of Paradox Space (perhaps in the same way that Narrative Contrivances do?)

https://homestuck.com/story/1569

Riffing a little more on the “Fetch Modus as analogous to thought processes” motif previously introduced, Jade’s excellent visualization abilities and vivid imagination serve her well as a Space Player, but tend to misfire, running wild, and seeing patterns where they don’t exist (intrusive thoughts make her see Johnny 5 in her Eclectic Bass and whatever the fuck mecha she’s about to accidentally imagine, I don’t know, I’m not a weeb.) Jade sure does think about robots a lot.

https://homestuck.com/story/1579

I have to say, I consider Terezi’s manipulative abilities to be genuinely pretty strong. I have never known a better way to strongarm me than by pointing out traits that I don’t know whether I feel good or bad about - it just terminates my thought processes.

Although in John’s case, it helps that he is, in fact, a weenie, a stooge, and most importantly, a nice guy. All these facts make him extra manipulatable.

https://homestuck.com/story/1584

<3

I have no reason to believe everyone in Homestuck’s universe isn’t stupidly badass, but I choose to believe that no one is as stupidly badass as the leads because it makes me happy to imagine that these kids are just ridiculously OP superhumans.

(That said, it’s kind of fucked up the level of violence that these literal children are involved in, maybe I shouldn’t get so excited about it. Should we be enthusiastic about the kids’ triumph over their dangerous enemies? Horrified by the travails they are being put through? Probably both motherfuckin’ things.

https://homestuck.com/story/1588

I think about this page a lot.

Rose Lalonde is a very dangerous young lady. She is ruthless, pragmatic, calculating, and cool. She’s even a killer, and literally just killed two imps before fighting this Ogre!

Why is she choosing to show mercy to it now? Is she just trying to get Dave’s goat? Maybe the answer is, deep down, she doesn’t really want to hurt anyone or anything.

https://homestuck.com/story/1589

Kanaya and Dave have a great relationship and I love them as friends very much. I wish dearly that there was more of them in the webcomic. They have approximately the same relationship with authenticity, which is to say that they don’t have an insincere bone in their respective bodies, but practice insincerity nonetheless to impress someone they care about.

For Kanaya relating to Rose, I think it’s a lot more innocent.

https://homestuck.com/story/1590

The least eloquent character in Homestuck has his brief, and I’m pretty sure only encounter with the most eloquent character in Homestuck.

Poor, poor Tavros. While Rose is pretty much always on this level, it seems a lot more innocuous when she’s talking to her friends, or the more mean-spirited and (relatively) competent trolls, the way she treats Tavros almost feels like bullying because of how obviously pathetic he is.

That said, he turns right around, and invokes exactly what’s coming to him. Y’know as much as Tavros is an authentic abuse victim and Vriska gaslights him into thinking a lot of the bad things that happen to him are his fault, there are a lot of times where he does stupid shit that invokes the justifiable wrath of the people around him.

https://homestuck.com/story/1592

While I could pontificate about the fact that Kanaya and Rose are my favorite couple, and squee enthusiastically, instead I will call attention to the fact that, by way of mixing her metaphors, Kanaya has been the victim of an authorial pun - she’s a Fruit Ninja. (Unless Fruit Ninja didn’t exist at the time of writing? It may very well not have.)

https://homestuck.com/story/1596

As the Page of Breath, Tavros sucks at communicating. Here, he sucks at communicating because in spite of his objectively pretty sick rhymes... he is talking to someone who just can’t be arsed.

https://homestuck.com/story/1602

This is one of those absurd moments that at first blush seems meaningless, but I think helps to decipher the kinds of things that John Egbert cares about. It’s one of the moments where he ritualizes an action that one of his heroes takes - John Egbert thinks that Nic Cage is cool, and wants to be like him, so he roleplays Nic Cage for a little while.

https://homestuck.com/story/1603

We’ve barely met the trolls, and they are *already* using the humans as a convenient method to troll each other instead of staying on task.

Karkat also establishes his love of RomComs before his introduction even rolls around.

https://homestuck.com/story/1618

Conceding ground to implacable enemies is generally the correct means to win in Homestuck, usually by getting them to destroy themselves or each other purely by their own unsustainably wicked or stupid conduct. Only a being as powerful as Lord English is sufficient to destroy the Significance-hoarding antagonist that is Vriska, as she threatens to overshadow everyone else in the universe by her own inflated self-importance. Only Vriska, so arbitrarily lucky, could possibly get into position to destroy Lord English. They were made for each other. They deserve each other.

One of my favorite dialogues in the whole comic. Man, I sure love Act 4. There’s something indescribable about the dialogue Andrew writes for this part of the comic. Homestuck at its best whiplashes from silly to scary to heartbreaking to heartwarming, and back to silly again, from beautiful to ugly, and I don’t think that even Act 5, as it piles up layers upon layers, well past the number of parts needed to make a whole, captures the essence of Homestuck as well as does Act 4.

Homestuck is different in every part, of course, and for everyone who says that Act 4 is peak Homestuck you will meet someone who says that Acts 1 through 3 were peak Homestuck, or who says that Act 5 was Peak Homestuck, or that Act 6 was Peak Homestuck. I do not mean to demean any portion of the work by saying that Act 4 is my favorite. The things I like in Homestuck the most are just the most themselves in this portion of the story.

https://homestuck.com/story/1627

I’m feeling less and less intelligent as I read more and more of Homestuck, because honestly, my theories read less like honest-to-god insights, and more like somebody who just wasn’t paying any fucking attention. Here, Jade spells out basically what I’ve been saying.

https://homestuck.com/story/1640

We’ll pause here for the evening. Reading was a little sparse today, but it’s a good place to leave off, especially since for some of these I wrote just stacks of theorizing.

Until tomorrow, Cam signing off, Mostly alive except for a bit of a cough, and not alone.

[crusherthedoctor]

The beach trope: another one that often comes early in Sonic's quests, and this one's no different, though expectations are very mildly subverted by making it the third zone instead of the very first. (Careful Crusher, you had the audience on the edge of their seats there.)

More importantly though, it's possibly one of the most famous and celebrated level tropes in the series. Emerald Coast is undeniably iconic, Seaside Hill is just as iconic while also merging with the Green Hill setup, and Wave Ocean... is a poor man's Emerald Coast, but it's probably better than most levels in '06 by comparison, so it too is iconic, from a certain point of view. We can't forget Jungle Joyride either, even if that's mostly because we got to see the frame rate die before our very eyes.

So how do you make your interpretation stand out? How do you prevent having a Wave Ocean 2: Wave Oceaner on your hands? Well, it's actually very simple...

Creating Zone 3: Coastline Resort

3-1: Shining Shore

Remember when I said that sometimes all it takes to make an environment feel different is the time of day, or a change in weather? This is one of the first major examples of putting that philosophy into action, as compared to previous beach levels, which were usually content with taking place in the bright sunny daytime, this one takes place under a pleasant purple sunset.

This of course contrasting heavily with not only the blue sea, but also the sands, which although given a mild touch of purple courtesy of the sunset, cannot fully hide their natural shade of white.

And of course, waterfalls.

We can’t forget the waterfalls.

Despite being a true blue beach level first and foremost, there are also a few hints of plaza, further setting it apart from the Emerald Coasts and Not-Emerald Coasts of old times past. This aesthetic in particular is based heavily on the seaside town of Whitby.

No doubt Sonic would admire this place, at least when he's not forced to go deep underwater. Maybe when the adventure is over, he can come back here and have a relaxing moment with... someone. Dunno who though. I doubt Eggman would be interested, and not just because he's actually in-character. Oh well, plenty more horses in the sea.

Speaking of, what about the underwater sections? Shining Shore does have them after all, in full 3D, as opposed to making them bottomless pits in disguise. Unsurprisingly, everything's a lot more blue than purple down there, gorgeously so, but the coral reef provides its own variety of colour.

The local fishies don't seem to mind you being in their line of sight... nor do the Badniks, but probably for a different reason.

Since we're three zones in, you might have noticed by now that each zone, regardless of their overall colour scheme, has one element in at least one act that goes all rainbow with the colours than everything else. You had the flower patches in Gleaming Meadows, you had the wood barriers in Tricky Tropics with their rusting paint jobs, and now we have the coral reef in Coastline Resort... any reason for this?

Alas, the answer is a mundane one: it's just a little way of tying all the zones in Viridonia together. As this quest revolves around the mystery of the elusive Ethereal Zone, this seemingly inconsequential aspect is a way of ensuring that it will always remain at the back of your mind. It may be relatively more subtle and easy to miss than, say, a giant moon glaring down angrily at you no matter where you go on the map as it literally comes closer and closer to killing everyone, but the intention is effectively the same: the central meat of the setting and story is always present in some form, however indirect, even if the characters aren't currently discussing it.

Also, shout out to the lighthouse that helped our heroes by inadvertently blinding the pursuing mechanized orca.

You really put a dent in Heavy Gunner's strategy.

First Section (calm): Lagoony Tunes (Crash Bandicoot 2: N-Tranced) Peach Field (Mario Hoops 3-on-3)

Second Section (adrenaline): Lost Palace (Team Sonic Racing) Hang Eight (Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back)

3-2: Crazy Rapids

Being a whimsical water park, made even more whimsical to fit the video game format, this one explains itself in a lot of areas. But let's go over the finer details anyway, shall we?

As mentioned in the fic, the park has been made to fit in seamlessly with the ruins present in the area, thus creating a Good Future-esque wonderland of nature and technology in harmony. For an idea of how the ruins aesthetic would work, imagine something akin to the Sunset Beach Resort in Jamaica, particularly the long bridge and archways you can see in both of these shots:

Kind of has an Aquatic Ruin vibe, doesn’t it?

Even then, that only applies to half of the architecture, as the other half breaks up the yellow with some white, reminiscent of a certain OTHER watery location in Sonic's past...

We also have the giant fountains sprinkled around the place. There are two types of fountains to be exact, both of which may seem familiar to the attentive eye...

The difference? They're larger. MUCH larger. As in, you can actually platform your way on and around them.

As for what’s inside? It's exactly how you'd imagine it to be, albeit exaggerated even further to befit a Sonic level.

And in-tune with the beachside mood, the Chao Garden found nearby would take a page from the one in Station Square...

...with a little extra flavor of this...

...complete with miniature water slides and the like for the adorable inhabitants... the inhabitants that Eggman currently has an unexplained interest in. How do the Chao factor into his latest plan?

Heh heh, only I and those I've discussed it with in PMs know that for now.

First Section (outside): Windy and Ripply (Sonic Adventure) Ocean Palace (Sonic Heroes)

Second Section (inside): Data Select (Tee Lopes) Wii Shop Channel - Mii Channel (Super Smash Bros. Wii U)

3-3: Aquarium Gallery

Disappointed that Crazy Rapids lacked that smooth red-on-blue contrast that Aquarium Park from Sonic Colours had? Well we can’t all be in the same league as Eggman sadly, but fear not, for the similarly named Aquarium Gallery gets right in on the action, combining red walls and an overall upper class aesthetic...

...with the expected quantities of shimmering blue that comes with the aquarium setting. And with glass tanks of great size, comes great fishies to go along with them.

The black and white checkered floor would also be a must. It's a Sonic game, we gotta have a checkered pattern somewhere. It just works. /ToddCrusher

Don't worry about the living conditions for the fish here, by the way. Eggman mechanizing them aside, the people who work at the park - and those who visit it - make sure to treat all the marine life with the utmost respect and kindness. Just a shame that they're apparently not so willing to lend that same understanding to Trudy... but it does provide an early hint that despite the few genuine bad apples who are outright antagonistic towards Trudy, most of the folks ignorant to her condition are exactly that at worst: ignorant. Meaning, despite first impressions, most of them are not bad people at heart, and with a little help and persistence, it's not entirely impossible that they can eventually learn to understand and sympathise with Trudy's situation.

In other words, they have more dimension than the background characters in Sonic Boom, where they're all mostly a bunch of one-note arseholes with little redeeming qualities and don’t deserve to be saved by Sonic in the slightest.

Anyhow, eventually, after a trip through one of those sweet underwater tunnels...

...we find ourselves in the cavern area, where red is exchanged for turquoise, and there are reflected ripples galore. Since the Marble Caves in Chile already look halfway to being a Sonic level due to its unique formations, that's the best comparison I can make here.

Too blue, you might say? Well, the sunset from earlier would be poking through the holes in the wall, adding some warm to the cool once more... the giant seashells everywhere help spice it up too.

Like these, but bigger than Ken Penders’ ego.

If that’s even possible...

First Section (aquarium): Rooftop Run - Night (Sonic Unleashed) Coconut Mall (Mario Kart Wii)

Second Section (caves): Sea Shell Shenanigans (Crash Bandicoot: The Wrath of Cortex) Dire, Dire Docks (Super Mario 64)

3-4: Hydro Plant

The outside structure for this place is shaped like a giant wall, which predictably brings the Hoover Dam to mind:

And that applies inside as well, at least initially. The similarities indoors come mostly from the generators, as well as the sheer size of the place.

Since it's considerably rustier however, we have darker lighting in place, with the sunset outside preventing it from being too dark inside. There’s also a copious amount of daring graffiti caused by hoodlums... or maybe Eggman, since he'd probably be the type to do that to any property that isn't his. Some of this graffiti would look very impressive...

While others would... uh...

Look, they tried, okay?

With all this graffiti, that means there’s opportunity for a generous helping of cheeky references to previous installments if you’re able to find them... and if you can understand them. To this day, the typo in “make belif reborn” has not been corrected. Absolutely disgusting.

But as the fic dictates, the further you go on, the tidier and more high tech it becomes. Simply put, this section would remind one of Aquatic Base from '06, mainly because I've always liked the idea despite its characteristically terrible level design, so why not salvage the concept and give it a second chance?

With some added flavor to make it less monotone, mind you. Like actual water sections, some green lights to break up all the blue, giant crab robot threatening to kill you... the works.

Sonic may be glad that this zone is behind him, but little does he know, it's not the only zone with intense water action around these parts. Luckily for him, that won't be for a while, so he can breathe a sigh of relief for now. Still, we know Eggman has other ways of keeping the gang on their toes...

First Section (rusty): Wily Stage 2 (Mega Man 7) Pokey Pipes (Donkey Kong Country 3)

Second Section (high tech): Ocean Base Act 1 (Sonic Advance 3) H2 Oh No (Crash Bandicoot: The Wrath of Cortex)

[make-it-mavis]

Homesick (Entry #40)

(cw: discussion of addiction and relapse) ----------

02/02/88  8:04 PM

Hey.

Well. At this point, it feels like there is so much to say, yet so little… comparatively.

Most of this bedtime story has been rife with screaming arguments, hallucinations, and explosions. There will not be so much of those, moving forward. I could say that the day I blew up Felix’s apartment was a turning point for me. It was the first moment where I truly felt like I had taken a step towards moving on and… letting go of what I could. But it was not a sharp turn, nor was it a great, leaping bound. Things did not suddenly get easier. No, they were only difficult in a different way.

But they were different.

I could probably fill a completely separate notebook with the details of my journey through counselling since then. But that would be very boring to read and to write, so I will just give you the important bits to catch you up to speed. Stay with me, now. This is going to be a whole lot condensed into chewable pieces.

In counselling, we learned about the five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Looking back, I can see how non-linear it was for me. I spent so long dancing around the first three. But after my amnesia was cured, I arrived at depression. Collapsed into it, really. 

Now, I’ve been depressed before. It was quite some time ago, before you and I even met. So I recognized what I was experiencing. But this time around, it was… more acute. Less existential, and more like an injury. I wasn’t lost inside my head. I knew exactly what I was sad about, and it was as real and tangible as any physical wound I had sustained before.

It was as if my very code had been pushed to the point of exhaustion and could not get back up. I spent most of my time on Felix’s couch, and most of that time was spent sleeping. I barely showered and I smelled like hell, but Felix still insisted on having tea and chatting at least once a day. He did almost all the talking, and I usually didn’t drink the tea, but he didn’t mind. He’d just drink it for me, and end up taking such frequent trips to the bathroom that I’d fall asleep again.

Given that I could barely make myself get up and walk around, going to counselling was more daunting than ever. November passed by without me taking notice, and it was maybe a week into December before I was able to make it there again. When I did, I told everyone what I’d done. What I’d remembered. And how I had been absent so long because I felt too depressed to come. Then, of course, they told me that the best time to come to counselling is when you don’t want to. I wanted to argue with that, but they were probably right. 

I very quickly came to understand why counselling was done in a group. At first, it felt like a punishment, like we all had to sit around and think about what we’d done. Or that there just weren’t enough counsellors for one-on-one therapy. It’s not even entirely just for empathizing with others’ similar experiences, or creating a sense of community. No, it’s something much more annoying than that.

A group will hold you accountable. They’ll make sure you’re participating and call you out when you’re not. I went into the counselling experience hoping I could just do the time and get out, but no one gets away with that in a group. You can’t just rip off the bandaid.

No, counselling is more like ripping off the bandaid, then digging into the wound with tweezers to pull out all the shrapnel, then stitching up the wound, and repeatedly changing the bandages to avoid infection. And then those stitches can sometimes come loose and you have to do them all over again.

It sucks. It hurts. But I won’t say it doesn’t work.

Anyway, around this point in the ‘story,’ I still hadn’t quite finished Step 4, with the ‘fearless moral inventory.’ I was still having trouble deciding just what to say. I had Felix be the audience to my venting one night. I explained to him my predicament: I had done many things that others would consider ‘bad’ or ‘immoral’ over the course of my life, far too many to count or to list. And a whole lot of them, I didn’t even feel bad for. Pranks, petty theft, and general snarkiness seemed harmless enough. I didn’t know what was worth adding to the list.

Felix suggested sticking to the big ones. What things did I consider not so harmless? What things were bad enough to make me lose sleep over? What did I really, truly regret?

I didn’t want to tell him. Those questions felt too prying. But, reminding myself that I was trying to make big changes, I eventually managed to name it all.

I felt bad for… assuming the worst of everyone. Especially anyone close to me. I felt bad for getting them all involved with my problems, and… refusing their help, but still somehow taking advantage of them. For making Felix worry that I was going to die, and for making Wreck-it feel responsible.

And Tapper. Just… in general, Tapper. Everything I’d done to him. Lying to him. Using him. Endangering his game. 

Endangering my game.

Threatening that one anonymous stranger for a hit of GC.

And getting you hooked on my Shield and Lift buffs… way back when.

I took Felix’s suggestion to write all that down, and whatever else I might have been feeling. It definitely helped me sort out my thoughts. It didn’t feel good. At all. In fact, it was hard to fight the idea that I was a lost cause, and that even before all this, I was not worth saving. But I pushed on regardless, because it felt like the only direction to move in.

As difficult as it had been, listing all that earned me Step 4, and after I recounted it all to the counselling group, I had Step 5, Integrity, under my belt.

Even though it was hard, I was doing well in the program. I really was, all things considered. I had made it farther than I thought possible at the beginning. But like I said… those stitches come loose sometimes. Recovery, like my grieving process, has not been linear. And after Step 5, some part of me felt stretched too far. Like my code once more remembered that I’m not the sort to lay myself open for others to see. Too many sprites had been given deeply personal pieces of my mind to take home with them. It was unnatural. It wasn’t right. It was not like me. I couldn’t piece together this new life with the life I knew before and have it make sense. I was trying to make meaningful changes, for sure, but suddenly, I felt like I didn’t recognize the sprite I’d become. I didn’t recognize my game or anyone in it. It was… eerie.

It put a panicked, defensive fight in me. I had to set things straight. I would not allow this strange, foreign life to continue until I did. So, for the first time in… longer than I had realized, I went back to my den in the woods. Just to be somewhere familiar and see if I could remember who I was.

It helped a little at first. I dug through all the junk I had amassed, each one connecting to some small memory from before this all happened. But then I found three things that were… a dangerous combo.

Your scarf and goggles… and the bottle of blue wine Tapper had given me at the memorial. Still unopened.

I was able to resist the wine. But I… didn’t exactly get rid of it, like I should have.

As for your old, burnt belongings...

I didn’t understand what I was doing at the time, or why. I get it now, I think. Writing my thoughts down had helped in Step 4, and my head was a twisted, tangled mess that I just had to sort out before I went insane. I needed to understand what I’d been through and how I got there. It’s just that I was only inspired to start writing once I saw your scarf and goggles again. Once they threw that angry, vicious anxiety through me and I was possessed by the overwhelming need to reach you from beyond the grave and tell you just what you had done to me.

So… I started writing this story. Or these letters, or... journals. You know.

Since then it’s been… well, incredibly therapeutic. And, just like I thought they would, the folks at counselling said that journaling is a very healthy coping mechanism. That’s what I called it, too. Journaling. I wanted to keep the fact that I was writing to you private. I was already revealing so much to them. I wanted to have just one thing I didn’t have to tell them.

I didn’t think it would have made a difference, anyway, and it didn’t. Not at first. I finished Step 6 just fine, which was Willingness. I was pretty willing to let go of my old bad habits in whatever way I could. Step 7 was harder for a few reasons, not the least of which being that my higher power is not sentient, and I could therefore not ask it for forgiveness, or to remove my character flaws. But I sort of earned Humility in a different way.

You see, I didn’t tell them I was writing to you, but I also... didn’t tell them about the wine. 

And thoughts of you had not mixed well with the temptation of substances in the past. So, around Christmas, I holed up in my den and… relapsed. It was nothing big, as far as relapses go. But I’m still not proud of it. 

I just wasn’t prepared for how hard it would be. My first Christmas without you.

Anyway… don’t worry. That didn’t put too big a snag in things. I told Felix, and I told everyone in counselling about it, and they all understood. A couple others actually had similar challenges. Many of us had someone to miss, and it was a hard time of year to miss somebody. I admitted to them that I sort of felt like I’d failed. But Clyde remarked that I showed humility by so willingly turning to the group for support, which had been hard for me at the start. I very easily could have tried to hide out of shame or a need to shoulder it alone. Maybe I couldn’t ask color for forgiveness, but in a way, I asked the group for it. 

I still sort of don’t understand it. But, hey. Whatever the ghost says.

In any case, I was able to let the mistake go and move forward, which… felt very freeing, now that I think of it. Since then, I’ve been counting the days I’ve spent completely sober, slowly racking them up like the most boring, most difficult sort of high score.

It’ll be forty today.

I’m forty days sober, and I just finished Step 9 a couple days ago. So… I guess I’m doing pretty well.

I’ve been writing a while, and this pen is nearly out of ink, but before I wrap this entry up, I really ought to tell you about Step 9, and what it brought about.

Step 8, for the record, is barely worth mentioning. It’s Love, which, y’know, gross. But it’s basically making a list of the sprites you’ve wronged, which I felt like I had done three times already. Step 9, then, Responsibility, is making amends with those sprites wherever possible.

I’m already well on my way with Felix. Tapper, well… I’ve done the best I can for now. I don’t even know who the sprite I threatened was, so there’s little I can do there. And you… are kind of hard to reach lately. So, the only possible option left was...

Wreck-it.

I’d known for quite some time that we were overdue for a chat. We hadn’t really talked at all since I’d come out of that coma, which meant we had been surviving on brief, awkward greetings and the smallest of small talk for a couple of months. We were not on bad terms, nor good terms. We just sort of existed in the same space, trying our best to just tolerate each other and to ignore the elephant in the room. And before all this, I would have been content to leave things that way forever if it meant I wouldn’t have to talk to him about our feelings.

I only managed to speak to him once the 12 Step Program gave me any idea of what to say, and the desire for things to stop being weird outweighed the awkwardness.

I caught him shortly after the arcade closed the other night, just as he was about to board the train to leave our game. Caught him quite off-guard too, apparently, given the way he jumped and tried to smooth his little yelp into a casual speaking voice.

Like this: “Ahh--!! Ahh! Ahh, Mavis, I, uh, didn’t see you there.”

Making someone jump always brings at least a bit of a smile to my face. “Hey there, uh… Ralph.”

The use of his name rather than his title already earned me a confused eyebrow quirk, but I saw it as setting the mood for the uncharacteristically intimate conversation we were about to have. It seemed effective, given how still he became, almost holding his breath in a nervous sort of curiosity.

“You, uh… going to Tapper’s?” I asked, trying to get him to relax a bit.

“Yep…” he said, rapping his fist against his leg slightly, like he does. “Do you… wanna come too, or..?”

I pressed my lips together, not quite smiling. “Nah. Still can’t go anywhere.”

“Oh-- oh-- yeah, of course. Wow. Stupid question,” he sighed, scratching the back of his neck. “That, uh, counselling thing still goin’ on, then? Or am I not allowed to ask?”

“It is,” I shrugged, shoving my hands in my pockets. “And… you are allowed. It’s actually more or less what I need to talk to you about.”

“...Really?” he asked cautiously. “Me? Why?”

I closed my eyes and let out a steady breath, sorting my thoughts for the hundredth time. “We probably should’ve talked sooner, it’s just that…” I opened my eyes and looked at him. “Well, I’ll say it outright. I’m supposed to talk to everyone I’ve wronged. And that includes you.”

He paused. Then he squinted. “Everyone?”

“Well,” I said flatly. “No. Just the ones I’ve done the dirtiest. The big deals.”

“And I really made that list for you? Me?”

I sighed with a slow blink, and cut to the chase. “Ralph, I heard everything you said to me when I was in that coma. Everything.”

“Oh,” he said, shifting his weight awkwardly, until the memory visibly returned to him and he stood rigid. “...Oh.”

“Yeah. Do you…” I struggled to maintain eye contact, “Do you… I mean, do you still actually blame yourself for anything that happened to me… after that night at Tapper’s?”

“Pfft,” he huffed, smiling joylessly. “C’mon. Ew. Did I say that?”

I stared.

He quickly gave in, folding his arms with a sigh. “...No. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel bad about it. I wanted to help you. I did. I never would have dragged you out there if I’d known you’d… Well. Whatever. Bad Guys aren’t meant to help anybody. Lesson learned, yet again.”

“Yeah… sure. Except the thing is, you, uh… did help,” I said, and saw him perk up the tiniest bit. “You let me stay with you. Even though I was a thankless, entitled pain in the neck. You kept me company just because I didn’t want to be alone. I know you n’ I aren’t exactly bosom pals, and I know you’re a Bad Guy, but… I guess that just makes it even more of a damn decent thing to do.”

He seemed surprised by my words, even a bit shaken by them in some way, but still, his gaze fell away from me a bit. Seemed like he was no better at accepting genuine praise than I am.

Pushing on, I said, “And if you feel guilty right now because you actually wanted to cave in my skull the whole time, then, don’t. I’d have wanted to throw my ass to the curb, too, if I were you. I don’t blame you for pushing me out. I did at first, but I don’t anymore. I was already primed to spiral, Ralph. I was headed for rock bottom one way or another. Don’t blame yourself for what I did. That’s my fault, not yours.”

He looked at me again, a quiet sort of disbelief in his eyes, which was good, because I needed to look him in the eye for what I was about to say.

“Ralph, I’m sorry.”

At that, he seemed… put on the spot, almost. Like he had no idea how to react. He took a moment to think and to breathe, like everything had to sink in. I knew that he would be surprised, so I didn’t really react. I had gotten all of my weird, emotional words out. The hard part was over.

I watched him begin to scrutinize me, like there was some hidden trick behind my back. He even slowly walked in a circle around me, trying to figure me out. He found nothing, and I offered nothing.

“So…” he said, squinting at me sidelong, “you’re sayin’... you’re sorry. You. You, Make- it Mavis, high queen of the gremlins, are sorry.”

I knew he would do that. Make a huge, obnoxious deal out of it. “Yes,” I said plainly.

“For everything?”

“Yes,” I repeated, with just a twinge of annoyance.

“Everything.”

“Yes.”

Then he pointed at me, as if firing off his question quick-draw style: “Even for calling me a trash gorilla?”

“Hell no,” I recoiled a bit. “I’m a recovering addict, not a kiss-ass.”

That was the first time I saw him almost relieved that I’d sort of insulted him. He straightened up and folded his arms, the tension in his body visibly relaxing as he sized me up. He nodded the slightest bit. “Yeah, I know,” he said, “that was just a test to see if you’d actually lost your mind.”

“Oh, so this is the point where you question my sanity. Nothing in the past couple months has been all that unusual, then,” I said, sort of smirking.

“Nah,” he reluctantly mirrored my smile. “Home intrusion, explosions, tryin’ to conk Gene over the head with a wooden club -- all standard Mavis fare.”

That earned a snicker from me. “Don’t think he’s escaped my clutches just yet.”

“Yeah, in his dreams.”

A silence set in at that point. Both of our smiles slowly began to fade as the silence grew from content to awkward once again. I wasn’t sure what else to say, but Ralph looked like he was working on something, so I waited.

“So,” he eventually said, his tone more sober, “you… really mean all that, huh. What you said about… Y’know. That you’re sorry.”

I nodded. “Yeah, I do,” I said quietly.

“Wow,” he almost chuckled, and gave me a sort of smile that I’d otherwise never seen on his face. “Counselling’s sure done a number on you, huh?"

"Well," I shifted my weight, unsure how to respond. It was a strange truth, and it was even stranger hearing it from him. "That's the idea, anyway."

Ralph seemed pleasantly surprised by the whole encounter, but it was just about over. Some small part of him must have wanted to draw it out even longer, a sentiment that I'm sure came as puzzling to him.

Scratching his chest a bit, he said, "Yeah, well… maybe once you're free again, and if you're up for it, we could go for drinks at Tapper's again. Just rag on Gene like the old days. Or Felix, even. I'm sure he's drivin' you up the wall lately with all the fussing."

I clicked my tongue. "Not… for drinks, no. As amazingly depressing as it is to say, I don't drink anymore."

"Really?" He asked, just before lightly smacking himself in the head. "D'oh, of course you don't. Wow. Sorry. I don't know where my head's at today."

"S'okay," I shrugged. "But there's more than just drinks at Tapper's. We can still go. I'll just have snacks or something. Maybe some actual, real pretzels, unlike last time."

He tilted his head. "Last time…?"

Opting to not recount the embarrassing tale of my snack hallucinations from my last visit, I waved it off. "Nevermind. Anyway, this is all making the very big assumption that Tapper will even let me through the doors. Y'know… after everything."

Ralph frowned. "You miss him, huh."

My gaze fell to his feet. "Yeah," I muttered.

"Well, I'm just on my way to see him now," Ralph said, finally turning around to slowly squeeze himself into an undersized train car. "I'll let him know."

Just the thought of any sentiment of mine reaching Tapper sort of sprung a leak in my heart, and before I could think, I was talking, my voice trembling the tiniest bit.

"If-- If you're talking to him anyway," I said, stepping forward almost as if I would follow him, "could you tell him something more?"

Ralph seemed a little surprised by my emotion, but he nodded anyway. "Sure. What is it?"

"Tell him I'm-- I'm…" I sighed, and my shoulders fell heavy. "I'm... sorry. I was probably the worst to him, out of everyone. And I know I can't take any of that back. And if he never wants to see me again… I can accept that. But there's just one thing I really need him to know."

I swallowed. "He's the reason I even agreed to counselling in the first place."

"Really?" Ralph asked quietly.

I nodded, not quite looking his way, focusing all my energy on keeping it together. "Yeah. He… urged me to get help, and when I didn't, I… nearly got his game unplugged. I'm putting in the work now. I'm getting help. I'm getting clean, just like he said. I'm thirty-eight days sober. And it all started because I just… had to make it right. Doing right by him is what's kept me going through a lot of this."

I took a moment to breathe and rein in my unruly emotions, trying to consider just how much I really wanted to share with Ralph. I'm working on being vulnerable, but I've found that I can't rush it. Plus, I'm sure Ralph felt a little awkward on the receiving end. He just watched me, unsure of what to say, but a quiet sympathy still showed in his eyes.

"Just…" I cleared my throat, "just tell him I'm sorry… and thank him for me. Please."

He offered me a half-smile and a soft nod. "Okay. You got it."

At that point, the dinky little cord train began to slowly pull out of our tiny station, sort of squeaking with the effort of bearing Ralph's weight. I watched him go, feeling that hot embarrassment that follows a particularly personal share. The thought that Ralph was probably happy to see me being good to Tapper for once was both comforting and… kind of annoying.

After the train had moved a short distance away, I just about turned to leave, but Ralph's voice caught my attention.

"Oh, and Mavis?"

I looked to see him twisting awkwardly in his seat, calling back to me.

"...Thanks."

That just made my face feel a little bit hotter, but I gave a small smile and flicked a casual salute his way. "Don't mention it," I called back, and waited until the train disappeared into the dark mouth of the tunnel before adding quietly, "...ever."

After that, for the first little while, my evening carried on just about the same as ever. I wound up in Felix's apartment for the usual tea and chats. I played my guitar for a while, and Felix listened happily until the tea was all brewed, and we sat on the couch while he told me about his day. I talked a bit too, but I didn't tell him about my conversation with Ralph. I wanted some light chatter about nothing in particular, a break from the heavy topics that run so rampant for me lately. I even wanted a bit of tea. I still maintain that chamomile tastes like soap, but peppermint is actually pretty good with a hefty scoop of sugar.

It was a couple hours into our visit that the most unusual, most… amazing thing happened.

I had given in to the primal need to lie flat on the floor as I often do, and Felix was sitting at the table polishing his medals when we heard footsteps in the hall. Huge, heavy, thumping footsteps. We glanced at each other for just a minute before we both nearly leapt out of our pixels from the front door being knocked off its hinges.

Through the open, splintered door frame, there stood Ralph, eyes wide. Instantly, his face filled with apologetic embarrassment.

"Woops," he chuckled nervously. "Sorry."

I sat up, and Felix walked over to the door with a bit of an exasperated sigh. "That's alright, Ralph," he assured, easily repairing the door with his hammer and holding it open anyway. "It's polite of you to knock."

My heart began to settle from the frightful shock it suffered, but I was sort of wary to see Ralph again so soon after our last conversation. I didn't know what more he could want, but I didn't feel the emotional energy to deal with whatever it was. I stood and walked over to the door to meet him. He had to twist down a bit to see through the doorway, and his awkward stance was punctuated with a nervous grin.

"Hey-- Hey Mavis," he said.

"Ralph," I grit my teeth just a bit, more from discomfort than anger. I let my eyes dart to Felix just a bit, hoping to signal to Ralph that now was not the time. "...Hi. What… what's up?"

"Uh, well…" he sucked his teeth, "could you step out here for a sec?"

"Why?"

"So I don't have to stand like this."

That was fair. I obliged, and nodded to Felix to give us some privacy. After he closed the door, I immediately whispered to Ralph, "Okay, now what's so urgent?"

Even though he didn't have to bend over anymore, Ralph still had to bow his head to fit under the relatively low ceiling. He put out his hands just a bit to urge me to be calm.

"Look, I'm not here to bug you," he said, and lowered his voice when I shushed him. "I'm just here to make a delivery."

I squinted at him sidelong. "Of what?"

"Well, a message, for one," he shrugged, smiling a little bit. "I talked to Tapper for you, like you asked. And he wanted me to tell you something."

I straightened up, and my heart sort of skipped a beat. "...Oh. What did he say?"

"A couple things. He's, uh… well, he's real happy to hear you're getting help. He wants to congratulate you for that. You've got his full support, he said. It meant a lot to hear that you've been doing well, because you've been on his mind. He thinks about you all the time."

I didn't know what to say or how to react. It was a lot to take in. I had sort of made my peace with him hating me after everything I did, so to hear that he still cared about me was… a relief so acute that it sort of broke my heart. 

I barely had time to process it all before Ralph revealed the true hard-hitter.

"In fact, uh," he said, "he'd been thinking of you so much that he… made something for you. He told me to give it to you right away, because… I dunno, he said you seemed ready for it."

Then he reached into the chest of his overalls and pulled out a square picture frame. I was confused at first, but once he handed it to me and I saw what it was, my heart stopped.

Inside the frame were napkins from his bar. Four of them, arranged in a neat square. And on those napkins were… drawings. Two of them were clear, loving depictions of you that I didn't even remember drawing. And on the other two were doodles that you and I had done together. Unflattering, playful caricatures of each other. Our drawing styles could not have been more different -- mine being fluid and organic and yours being clean-cut contour line drawings, but somehow, they worked so well together. The fragile paper was slightly ripped in places from the pens we used, and there were small sections where the ink bled from mug-shaped rings of moisture. All in all, it was a chaotic, dirty mess.

It was us. 

It was us at our very happiest moments, just goofing off together, adoring each other without ever needing to say it.

It was the most beautiful gift I'd ever received.

Struck silent by a wall of emotion, I just held it and stared at it in utter disbelief. The fact that Tapper would have cared enough to save such simple things was more than I could comprehend. The drawings could have been years old by then, but still…

It wasn't until my tears fell and splashed against the frame that I even realized I'd been crying.

"Oh," Ralph whispered, a bit of panic in his voice. "Mavis. Crying. Uh-- I'm-- I'm sorry. I didn't want you to-- I'm--"

His hands hovered around me hesitantly, completely lost as to how to comfort me. But he didn't have to decide. I felt an urge and followed it immediately.

I just reached out and took one of his huge, square fingers in my hand, even though his heavy code burned a bit to touch. He froze, rightfully taken aback. I didn't explain. I just stepped a bit closer so that he would not have to reach out to me quite so far, hugged the frame to my chest with my other arm, and bowed my head while I wept silently. Ralph said nothing, but I felt his arm relax a bit once he accepted the situation.

Eventually, I pushed a few quivering words out. "Thank you," I muttered. I looked the gift over once again. "I… I can't believe this."

"So you like it?" he asked quietly.

I could only nod.

"I'll pass that on to Tapper, then," he sighed, but I could hear a smile in his voice. "Gee, I'm just a nine-foot-tall messenger boy, aren't I?"

"Thank-- thank you," I choked out again.

"Nah… it's nothin'," he shrugged.

I couldn't tear my eyes away from the gift in my hand. It was so perfect. It felt like everything I needed. Like it was the one thing that was missing in my road to recovery. That feeling in itself stood out to me, and I followed it through my mind. Apart from all the staggering sentimental value, there was something about Tapper's gesture that felt so empathetic, so validating, like he was acknowledging that I lost something wonderful, something worth mourning. It was the first thing anyone had given me, or the first thing anyone made at all, that honored your memory.

Then it hit me. The thing that was missing. The thing I would absolutely need if I had any hope of moving on.

I let go of Ralph's hand and burst through the door of Felix's apartment. He had gone back to polishing his medals, but he quite nearly dropped one when he saw the tears on my face.

"Mavy? What--"

I interrupted him, trying to keep up with my rush of clarity. "Felix," I said urgently, "I need your help. There's something I need from you. I know what I need."

He stood, approaching me with concern in his eyes.

"I need a funeral for Turbo," I said firmly. "A real one. It doesn't have to be big. In fact, it'll probably be just the three of us," I glanced back at Ralph, who was bending down once again, "but that'll be fine. It just needs to happen. Please."

I looked at Felix again, and his eyes were full of understanding, sympathy, and love.

"Then we'll do it," he said gently.

"Yeah," I heard Ralph say. "Count me in."

I choked out a single, grateful laugh. "Thank you."

We began planning right away.

It's happening tomorrow.

[kirikinni]

Will You Still Be Here? | krbk

Summary: High school relationships never last but sometimes there really is only one person for you.

Pairing: Bakugou Katsuki x Kirishima Eijirou 

Word Count: 11k

Themes: no quirks, normal world au, kiribaku break up, slight nsfw themes

Warning: depression, hinting to abusive relationships, mental health, slight nsfw but like if you squint.

Kirishima Eijirou has always given more than he gets, he has always been the one to pick up calls at three in the morning or stay overnight to make sure they’re okay. Kirishima Eijirou has always been an empath and his mother told him a long time ago that that very thing would back to bite him in the ass. High school was fun, he made friends, scored decently in his classes and got into all the trouble he possibly could have. In high school he met Bakugou Katsuki, in high school he met the love of his life. It was in high school where Kirishima felt like the world was right and the pieces finally connected, it was in high school when Kirishima Eijirou finally felt like he had everything he needed and then all of a sudden he didn’t.

It was a fight here and there at first, they would argue about where to eat or about Bakugou’s anger issues but they would always make up. The two boys would always make up before long and would be seen together soon enough. In the beginning it was a broken pencil or a word that stung a little more than necessary but they would always apologize and they would be in each others arms again. In the beginning it was a hole punched in Kirishima’s bedroom wall and refusal to get help. In the beginning it was name calling and ignoring the signs until that was all it was.

Bakugou Katsuki was damaged, Kirishima knew this when they became friends, he knew this when he started to fall for his friend, he knew this when he finally asked Bakugou out and he knew this when he said ‘I love you’ and he believed that it was nothing he couldn’t fix. Kirishima Eijirou was going to help his boyfriend, he was going to fix his problems and help him become confident and whole again. He was going to love him and support him until that happened but people have limits.

Children have limits and Kirishima found his months before graduation during after school club activities.

“Katsuki hold on.” Kirishima called out as he jogged after his boyfriend. Katsuki had lost a game of dodgeball, being struck out by none other than Izuku Midoriya and that definitely struck a nerve. Midoriya and Bakugou had never really been the best of friends, they’ve known each other forever but he never liked the other boy. Bakugou thought Midoriya was making fun of him, thought that Midoriya was weak and child like for clinging to Bakugou like he did. Kirishima knew it wasn’t any of that and instead just Bakugou projecting his emotions onto the one person who never gave up on him.

“What shitty hair?” He asked, gritting his teeth together. He could not get angry at his boyfriend, he could not angry at someone else and take it out on his boyfriend, he was not going to make Kirishima upset. Bakugou repeated those words like a mantra in his head, ever since he had accidentally blown up on Kirishima and made him cry he had been trying to get control over his anger. To try and not hurt the people he loves because he was too afraid to accept love and support. “What?” he asked again, softer this time. Making a conscious effort to not redirect his anger.

“What happened baby? It’s just a game, remember we talked about this? We talked about not getting so blown up over such small things, you don’t have to be number one at everything. You’re already acing most of the classes, you’re the captain of both the football and basketball teams, the band is due to play next week at the café. Things are going good. You are winning, at the important stuff. This doesn’t matter.” He said softly, trying to remind Bakugou of all the good in his life trying to bring him down from his explosive high.

“You don’t fucking understand.” He said, shoving his hands deep in his pockets. He was not going to get angry, he was not going to scream at his boyfriend.

“Katsu, I do. I get it baby, you need to win but this is silly. This isn’t something you need to win, there’s so much else you can focus on. So much else for you to be passionate about.” He said trying again, Kirishima did not in that minute realize how far he was pushing Bakugou and unbeknownst to him the end of his happy ending was nearing.

“Kiri stop.” He said, feeling the rage climb through his body like a monster taking over. As if the emotion boiled in the very pit on his stomach and it climbed all the way through his body, engulfing him in flames and covering his vision. His anger, his insecurities, his fears all of it spread like a wildfire in a forest with no regard for what it burns or who it kills.

“Katsuki listen to me. There is so much more than this competition you have, there is so much more than this silly fire you have to beat everyone at everything. You are killing yourself, you are hurting everyone around you because you refuse to understand that this is pointless. This feud with Midoriya, this need to be number one at everything, this anger that makes you who you aren’t. It’s pointless and I need you to understand that.” He said and waited. Bakugou’s eyes were downcast, they refused to meet Kirishima but when he finally did there was nothing but malice. Nothing but a fire that burned so bright Kirishima knew he was about to get burnt.

“You wouldn’t fucking understand, you’re okay with being the underdog. You’re okay with being second best, hell you’re okay not even being in the running. You have no fire or passion so you wouldn’t fucking understand. There’s more? There’s so much more? What’s there huh? You? Are you more? You’re delusional and pathetic and you’re stopping me from reaching what I need to reach.” He spat out, his words laced with poison, teeth bared but voice nothing above a whisper. The same decibel at which he would sing ‘I love you’s’.

“Apologize.” Kirishima spoke, his eyes brimming with hot tears, his fists balled up as though he was going to punch his boyfriend. As though he was going to finally throw a punch back but no, his fists were closed to stop the tears from falling. His fists where closed because he hoped the pain from his fingernails puncturing his skin would be enough to dull the knives that where tore at his heart.

He waited, he stood in silence and waited for the apology to come but nothing did. The silence was somehow worse and he did something he never thought he could, he pushed Bakugou to the ground, hands wrapped around his shirt collar. “APOLOGIZE YOU PIECE OF SHIT.” He screamed at the boy and pulled his face up close, as close as he would hold it when they kissed.

Kirishima was pulled off the other boy by his friends, he was dragged off the boy he thought loved him. He was dragged off and his friends felt the heat of his tears fall on their hands, they knew what this meant and the end had come sooner than any of them had expected.

It had been years since the incident, years since Bakugou Katsuki ripped Kirishima’s heart out and chewed it up. Five years to be exact, Kirishima had gotten his business degree and was now working at a company in Tokyo. Still young, still new to his job he lived in a one bedroom apartment with hopes that life will take off one day. He lived most of his days without sparing his past flame a thought but there would be a song on the radio or a meal made in a specific way and he would come crashing down on his kitchen floor and waves of sadness would hit him. He would lay still, bunched up with his knees pressed against his chest as the tears flowed until they eventually stopped. He would cry until they washed away the memories of his touch and his smell and his loving words and all that was left would be the day they broke.

The tears would wash away the good and remind him of the pain and the broken pencils and the constant competition. He would be left with the memory of an empty watering can, gathering rust in the corners, an empty watering can that he has since not been able to fill.

“Kiri you wanna get dinner after work?” His friend asked as he leaned over his own cubicle.

“Sure Kams, where’d you have in mind?” Kirishima asked, not turning his eyes away from the spreadsheet he was editing.

“There’s this new restaurant, opened last week and they have live music. The singers supposed to be really good.”

“Yeah okay, I’ll come down to your floor when I get off cool?”

“Cool, see you later.”

Kaminari and Kirishima joined the company around the same time, both initially thought they would have to beat out the other for the position but both got in and now they spent quite a bit of time together. Kaminari was the only other real friend Kirishima had, his fiancée Jirou was sweet and they would all hang out together sometimes but they weren’t really friends.

Kirishima was grateful for Kaminari, he didn’t ask for a lot from him only that they hung out every so often and that Kirishima played badminton with him. It was an easy type of friendship, no twists or turns, no unwanted fights or late nights discussing the future. They weren’t children anymore, there was no need to discuss the future because this was it. This was their future, Kaminari and Kirishima would work this job, get promoted and milk it until they can retire, Kaminari would marry Jirou and Kirishima would attend the wedding. Maybe years ahead Kirishima will fall in love again, get married, start a family and he will forever in the shadow of the love he lost, forever with the emptiness of that rusting watering can inside him. This was their future so there was no need to think about it or talk about it.

They simply existed and that was all they really wanted to do.

At around 7:00 pm Kirishima switched off his monitor and stretched in his chair, running his hand through his black hair and loosening his tie. Kirishima had stopped dying his hair two years ago. He had been there longer than he expected but Kaminari had not called or texted so he assumed that he was caught up as well. Kirishima gathered his things, pulled his blazer on and walked away from the only thing that gave his life purpose anymore.

“Busy?” Kirishima asked his friend as he stepped out of the elevator on Kaminari’s floor.

“Ah fuck yeah, just give me ten and I’ll wrap up.” Kaminari said and went back to furiously typing away at his laptop.

Kirishima wordlessly sat beside him in a nearby cubicle and waited for his friend to finish. As he watched Kaminari work he was struck again by the thought of how mundane their lives where. How unbelievably still and steady their lives where and while at one point that might have made him sad now it was a relief. Kirishima, at age twenty three had no energy, nothing left to give and with every passing year he felt the rust settle in deeper, take a tighter hold on his being.

Soon Kaminari was done and they could go, the boys walked together out of their office building and down the street. The cold air of the night blew against their faces but after a year in the city they had been accustomed to it. Kaminari led the way to the restaurant, singing it’s praise the whole way. Kaminari was much more animated than Kirishima, he had the glow of one in love, the glow of one who was still full and Kirishima envied him sometimes but most times he pretended not to notice.

“Hi, table for two please.” Kaminari said the lady at the front. She smiled at the boys and led them to a table a little way from the stage but close enough to see. It looked like an old American speakeasy, complete with the wooden bar and stage for a single performer. It was dull and the lights hung low as men and women bustled around serving food on silver platters. Kirishima wondered for a second what their days where like, whether they too where satisfied with the dull of everyday life but the waitress brought them their menu and the thought left him.

Kirishima had no time or interest in trying to unravel the mysteries of the universe anymore, no want to understand the reasoning behind human behavior. There was a time Kirishima wanted to study psychology, become a therapist, help people grow, give them what they needed but that was before the can dried up.

They ordered their food, Katsudon for Kirishima and a burger for Kaminari, ordered a couple of beers and settled into their seats. Kirishima followed the pattern of asking Kaminari about the wedding prep, Kaminari teased Kirishima for still not having a date. They talked about things that were neither here nor there. Things that mattered and didn’t, things that never really made a difference and then their food came.

The lights near the stage dulled as they ate and Kaminari noted that the singer must have arrived. The two boys turned their heads to the stage and watched, their interest split quite unevenly between the food and the awaited singer.

There was a complete lack of light on the stage and only sounds of scuffling that came from that area for a while as they set up. Kirishima turned his attention back to his food until the first few notes of the song floated past the various heads and silver platters straight through his ears.

“All I want is nothing more to hear you knocking at my door.”

“Kiri stop running you loser!”

“Be faster then asshole.”

“Cause if I could see your face once more I could die as a happy man I’m sure.”

“Hey, you know you’re like the only person I like here.”

“Aw I like you too dumbass.”

“When you said your last goodbye I died a little bit inside.”

“Hey, I can’t sleep.”

“Me neither…. Want me to tell you a story?”

“I lay in tears in bed all night alone without you by my side.”

“Hey um, I know you said you where busy today but do you wanna go out with me? Like on a date?”

“But if you loved me why’d you leave me?”

“I love you Katsuki.”

“I love you too Eijirou.”

As the song played, as the music continued and the voice, his voice penetrated his ears, swam through his memories and broke open locks, every memory he had washed away with time and tears and alcohol drowned him.

Kirishima locked eyes with the singer, he wasn’t sure if he had recognized him but Kirishima had seen him. Kirishima knew who it was and Kirishima knew what this meant. He wanted to tear his eyes away, to get up and leave, to pretend this never happened and continue with the life he had built but he couldn’t. He was stuck in place, eyes glued to the stage, to the singer.

The song ended and Kirishima watched on in a daze as if he was watching a movie of his own memories. The song ended and the restaurant erupted in cheers for the singer who smiled and stood up to take a bow.

“Ah thank you everyone, I’m sorry it was so sad but this is one of my favorites. A personal song, after all art is always better with emotions isn’t it?” He asked the crowd and they responded with applause. Kirishima didn’t. “Hello everyone, I’ll be your entertainment for tonight and for every night until Shoto kicks me out. My name is Bakugou Katsuki.”

“Katsuki.” Kirishima whispered under his breath the same time as the singer mentioned his name.

Kirishima had walked out of there with his head hung low after dinner, he stayed and watched Bakugou sing. Watched as he smiled and laughed and interacted with the audience, Kirishima was grateful that they were seated away from the stage. Kaminari didn’t seem to notice his discomfort and even if he didn’t he didn’t acknowledge it.

Kirishima was grateful, he didn’t want to get into his history with the singer who’s blonde hair was reflecting the light stage lights. He looked good, looked better, looked happier and it stung. It pierced through Kirishima that he looked happier while he was still here breaking down from waves of nostalgia and sadness every time he smelled fresh acrylic paints.

Once they finished their meal Kaminari wanted to stay and compliment the singer and chef but Kirishima dished out the excuse he had been working on all night and squirrelled his way out of the restaurant. On the walk back home Kirishima’s heart pounded so loud he felt like there was a marching band following him all the way back to his apartment. He couldn’t stop the wave of memories that took over his mind, the feeling of Bakugou’s hands in his, his legs wrapped around his waist, the heat of his breath against his neck, the soft skin under his lips when they were alone.

It was too much, the memories they beat against him like a sudden downpour, like a storm he had not paid attention to but had grown nevertheless. The smell of Bakugou cooking snacks for them after school, the sound of his loud and thunderous laughter that ricocheted off the walls of his room, the feeling of his soft touches and hot tears after a fight. His touch, his smell, everything about him had engulfed Kirishima’s life once more and it was surrounding him.

Bakugou Katsuki was drowning him all over again.

When Kirishima woke up the next morning he woke up on the floor of his apartment, inches away from his bedroom door, his work clothes still on and his tie discarded in another corner of the room. He looked around in a daze and noticed the mess he had made, how he had trashed his own home because of someone who he knew in what seemed like a different life from now. His kitchen was a mess, the dishes where scattered on the counter and it smelt like he had burnt whatever he was trying to make. There were clothes scattered on the floor and an open suitcase like he was trying to make a run for it, a half empty bottle of scotch on the table and a glass broken against the adjacent wall.

Kirishima had drowned last night and he had made sure he tore down everything else with it. He rubbed his eyes and pressed a hand to his aching head as he looked around for his clock. It was no longer mounted stylishly on his wall but rather was tucked away underneath a bookshelf, thankfully not broken.

“10:00 am” The clock read and he sighed, he was late for work. He hadn’t called in, hadn’t submitted a request for leave but he here he was sitting on the floor not making any kind of move to get up and rush to work. Apologize, grovel, beg for his boss to forgive him. He should be up and hauling his ass to do that and all else but he did nothing. He sat still and stared at the broken glass before laying back down on his back.

Kirishima closed his eyes and when he opened them again it was noon, this time he moved but with no particular rush. He found his phone after a solid ten minutes of searching and checked the many messages he had received from Kaminari asking where he was. Apparently Kaminari had made some bullshit excuse about his getting food poisoning from the food they had and their manager had bought it but expected Kirishima to make up his missing hours by the end of the week and turn in that days reports.

He let out a dry laugh, the excuses, the hungover mornings, the thought of Katsuki Bakugou lingering on his mind, it was all too much like high school, all that was missing was his taste on the tips of his tongue and his hands curled around Bakugou’s hair. He groaned loudly and slapped himself so hard it stung and got off the ground. He stood on his own feet, using the couch near him as support and looked around at the mess he had created. He needed to clean, Kirishima knew that he had to clean but he couldn’t. He just couldn’t bring himself to clean the mess he had created, the mess Bakugou had created so he did nothing.

Instead he left the house exactly how it was and went to shower instead, he scrubbed and scrubbed at his body, every inch, all the hard to reach spots, shampooed himself twice, thrice, but it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter how many times he washed himself the scent never left, the lingering scent of a love lost, the scent of possibility, of wicked horrid hope and possibility lingered on his body and he hated every part of it.

Kirishima only got out of the shower when the water turned freezing cold, he didn’t bother changing into any sort of clothes and instead just sat in his towel for a long while staring at himself in the mirror. He stared at the man in front of him, sometimes shifting from his current self to the image of the seventeen year old who fell in love with his best friend. Kirishima felt tears well up in his eyes but rubbed them away, rough hands against soft skin, he rubbed his eyes until they were red and raw.

He got up and changed into slacks and a red t-shirt and looked at himself once again trying to find where that spark of hope was coming from. Trying to understand why suddenly he didn’t look familiar, where that gaping hole had unpatched itself. There was no denying that he couldn’t recognize who he was looking at, the child in him, the one he locked away a long time ago seemed to be clawing at his bars, begging to be released yet the black hair and sullen face remained like a never-ending prison sentence. Kirishima sighed and pulled out his laptop, typing out an apology to his boss and thanking him for being so understanding of the situation. He got up and decided that if nothing else he would clear his head today. He would remove any and all thoughts he was having about his past and about Bakugou and he would come back the same man who had his life sorted so he plugged his headphones in and went for a walk.

Kirishima was used to this neighborhood, he’s lived here for nearly two years and nothing really changed here. It was the same shopkeepers who called out the prices of their new wares to him as he walked past, the same kids who would run around and play tag or catch or whatever the game of the day was. The same people, same buildings, same lives. He liked it, he liked how much normality existed in his life. He liked the routine more than he would have cared to admit but something was different today.

Kirishima was different today, unlike most days when he would walk past without much occupying his mind today he was lost deep in thought. Thoughts of a blonde lover and the feeling of finding his other half, thoughts of dreams and promises, and adventures that were far from complete. Initially, he was resolved to not think about anything to do with Bakugou but as his steps raised in count and the cold air outside prickled at his skin all he could do was think about the blonde. So he took a deep breath and let himself feel, he let himself relax and let the thoughts consume him so he could let it run through him like water. Let it wash over him and remove whatever he couldn’t keep with him.

“Eiji can you um can you help me with this?” Kirishima smiled a little, the memory of a soft Katsuki Bakugou was something he held deep in his heart. No one believed him, the one time he mentioned how sweet and nervous Bakugou really was no one really believed him but he understood. Katsuki was something hidden, something private and Kirishima had been lucky enough to be allowed into that something. Kirishima was lucky enough to see the side Bakugou tried so hard to hide. Kirishima remembered what came after the question, he remembered turning his head to look at a nervous Bakugou Katsuki, clutching a notebook so tight Kirishima was sure it was going to tear. Bakugou hated losing, he hated not knowing and more than anything he hated asking for help so the fact that Bakugou had come to him meant more than Kirishima could put into words. Kirishima had had a crush on Bakugou since nearly the beginning of their high school careers but right now, with a fifteen year old Bakugou Katsuki standing above him, head hung low glaring holes into the ground was when he really began to fall. Of course Kirishima helped him, he stayed on the floor with his best friend explaining over and over the topic until Bakugou got it, until he smiled so wide with triumph painted across his features it made Kirishima’s heart feel warm.

He sighed at the memory, there was so much of Bakugou that Kirishima knew. So much of the blonde that only Kirishima knew and it would make him a little sad and a little happy but more than anything Kirishima was always grateful. He was so grateful for the right to be allowed inside his heart, grateful to be the one who could calm an explosion with just the touch of a finger. Bakugou was special and somehow, somewhere Kirishima became special to Bakugou.

Kirishima’s mind drifted to the first time Katsuki kissed him, he felt his eyes sting at the memory and his fists curled tight. It wasn’t a passionate taking over of his mind and body like their friends guessed but rather it was a question, something so soft almost a whisper that Kirishima almost didn’t hear “C-can I kiss you?”. It was a single question he asked, spoke as though he was afraid of what Kirishima would say, travelled through the little space that was left between them until he closed the space. Kirishima’s hands moved as though on instinct, cupping Bakugou’s face and pulling him close. It was kind and caring, the kiss was dipped in honey and smothering sweet like Kirishima knew just how much Bakugou needed it. Like he knew just how much of himself was wrapped in barbed wire and hidden away deep under layers of self doubt and insecurities.

Kirishima realised early on in their friendship how much of the child inside Katsuki Bakugou was beaten and moulded into what he is now, how much of the softness and the area to make mistakes was torn away to leave only this rough and scared boy. He realised how much Bakugou struggled with the idea of weakness, how afraid he was of failure and disappointing those around him and himself. Everytime Bakugou flinched when someone older than him raised their hands, the miniscule changes in his face when he was told he didn’t do enough. Kirishima knew the heaviness that weighed on Bakugou’s chest and he spent the better part of his high school career trying to remove it, trying to coax the sweetness back out of him.

“It’s comfortable with you, like you bring peace to my life.”

So Kirishima always kissed him soft, he always held his hands as though he was holding a new born and talked sweet. His hands would trace the lines on Bakugou’s face and the scars on his body, he would breathe into kisses and smile against the other boys lips. There was nothing fast or needy about the way the boys held each other, they took their time and learnt each other at a slow pace. They discovered pleasure and pain and became in tune to each others bodies and minds. Kirishima made it clear every time their bodies connected that he was here, he was in love and he would take care of the other.

Lost in his memories of his lover Kirishima finally found himself back at the restaurant, his feet had traced the path back to the restaurant and a single look inside the large window was enough to drop Kirishima’s heart down to his feet.

There he was, the boy he had just been day dreaming about except he wasn’t that boy anymore. He was older, taller, filled out his frame, his hair was trimmed at the back and sides and he had metal in his ears but that wasn’t what caught Kirishima. It was the way he was laughing, it was the simple fact that Bakugou was laughing. His head thrown back and his mouth open in a way that suggested loud guffaws. Kirishima felt a cold hand wrap around his neck as he watched the man he was so in love with laugh with another. The other man, hair half red and half white stood at the table opposite from Bakugou an unamused expression on his face.

Kirishima watched as Bakugou’s eyes crinkled and his expression settled into something that was comfortable, something that felt right at home, an expression he remembered fondly from when he would hold the blonde in his arms. It was an expression he wore only for Kirishima but here he was, with another sharing what Kirishima helped bring out. Maybe Kirishima would have worked up the courage to walk in there, to grab Bakugou and kiss him until he couldn’t breathe any longer. Maybe he would have slapped him, called him horrible names and blame him for giving up on them. Maybe he would have done many things if Bakugou hadn’t turned around to face him so instead Kirishima ran. He ran from the one person he had sworn to never run from, the one person he promised he would stick by. He ran until his lungs gave out and collapsed against a wall, he sat there trying to catch his breath, trying to expel the image of a laughing older Bakugou Katsuki from his mind but the harder he tried the harder it got.

He sat there, back pressed against the wall as images of Bakugou rushed past his eyes, his black tanktop and the way his skin gleamed against the dark color. The way his body fit so well into what he wore and the metal in his ears, the longer he thought about the more erotic the images in his mind became. Katsuki Bakugou was no longer a scrawny fifteen year old but he was older, he was built, he was undeniably attractive and a twenty three year old Eijirou Kirishima wanted nothing more than to be smothered by the other man.

Kirishima ran all the way back to his apartment again trying to shut out the thoughts that took over his brain but it was of no use. By the time he reached home his mind was so overcome with thoughts of Bakugou Katsuki all he could do was bee line to his washroom and fix the heat that began at the pit of his stomach with one hand in his pants and another covering his eyes.

After that day Kirishima made a promise to himself that he would never go to the restaurant again, he didn’t want to be imprisoned by Bakugou Katsuki, not again but he wasn’t so completely on board. Almost subconsciously he found himself adding to his jogging routine and going by the restaurant every morning, came out of his daze after work and realized he has once again walked past the restaurant so two weeks passed and now Kirishima was their most loyal customer and Bakugou was the most frequent visitor in his dreams.  A few days after trying to deny it he gave in and decided that if nothing else he would be able to see him, watch him smile, listen to him sing. If nothing else he could at least know that the one he loved once was happy.

It was one such day, Kirishima was sitting at the back finishing off a pastry and waiting for Bakugou to take the stage when a girl a few years younger to him walked over. “He’s not coming in today by the way.” She said as she cleared the empty coffee mug. Kirishima looked up at her, his eyes stretched wide in shock and unsure whether she was talking to him but one look at her face and he knew. “Our food isn’t that good also, don’t worry i won’t tell.” she said and winked at the boy before walking away.

A string of curses were let loose in Kirishima’s mind as he went over the possibility of her knowing he was here to see Bakugou, the even worse possibility of Bakugou knowing he was here but just before his mind could explode the girl returned. “Mina, it’s nice to meet you. My cousin runs the restaurant.” she said and stuck a hand out to him. Kirishima stared at her for a minute before gingerly taking her hand and shaking it. “Kirishima.”

“Oh calm down, I won’t tell on you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” he replied and moved to get out of the seat and the restaurant. He had no intentions of meeting Bakugou, no intentions of him ever even knowing that Kirishima was here but here he was, cornered by this stranger.

“I’ve seen you around you know, in the morning you run across the restaurant and stop to stretch for a while and then I see you come in everyday in your suits to get food. Honestly at first I thought you just really liked our food but then I really saw you. He was singing that song, the sad one that he sings when he gets really upset and you were looking at him with such sadness in your eyes. You looked like all you wanted was right in front of you and you couldn’t bare not having it. You reached out your hand as if you were reaching for him and my heart broke Kirishima san-”

Before Mina could finish Kirishima was out of his chair and moving out of the restaurant though, his heart was thundering in his chest as he rushed back to his home. That night the dreams found him again except it was nothing and everything all at once. For the entirety of his dream all he did was watch Bakugou sing, he watched him sing the same song, eyes locked onto him but the whole time feeling invisible. It was like Katsuki was looking through Kirishima, like he didn’t even realise he was there though he was sitting right in front of him. Kirishima woke up in tears and didn’t sleep much the rest of the night.

It had been three weeks since Kirishima ran out of the restaurant, he made the most conscious effort to go nowhere near the place. Went out of his way to take a different route home, turned down any invitation to visit the restaurant again until Kaminari brought up the one thing he really couldn’t refuse.

“Hey man, so rehearsal dinner is this Saturday. It’s gonna be at that restaurant we went to and don’t worry it’s a small crowd so you won’t get smothered by people. Please come, it would mean a lot if you did.” Kaminari said to him, his eyes begging, over their lunch break. The date for Kaminari and Jirou’s wedding was approaching fast and as Kaminari’s only real friend in the city of course Kirishima was invited. He swallowed hard at the thought of going back to the restaurant but it was for his friend. He couldn’t let his friend down so he steeled his nervousness and nodded, of course he would be there.

When the day finally arrived Kirishima took as long as he could deciding how to look, even considered dying his hair back to the bright red it used to be but eventually decided against it. He wasn’t going to attract attention to himself, if anything he was going to try and blend in so he picked out a suit that was attractive enough that Jirou wouldn’t scowl at him but basic enough to not draw attention, got ready and left his house.

By the time he arrived there where quite a few people, Kaminari saw him almost immediately and dragged him over to his fiancee and their friends. “Congrats Jirou, it’s going to be amazing when he can finally stop saying ‘my to be’.” Kirishima told her and laughed alongside her. Kaminari introduced him to his other friends from university and some from his childhood before he was let go, Kirishima took a seat next to a man named Sero, a friend from Kaminari’s university. They engaged in idle conversation, mainly about their respective jobs and trading stories about Kaminari. Kirishima didn’t really have much to share but listening to their adventures and learning just how loud and energetic Kaminari used to be was a treat of it’s own. He was glad that his friend hadn’t changed much, jus’t matured a little and retained that glow he had. Their conversation didn’t last long though as soon the food was served and Kaminari stood up demanding that it was time for toast, Kirishima bit back a laugh as he raised his glass and started on his “101 reasons why Kyouka is the best” list and later forced down the rise of envy when Jirou pulled him down and kissed him to shut him up.

“I’m gonna marry you so you can never leave me.”

“I wasn’t planning on leaving anyway.”

Where was his happy ending, why was he the one destined to suffer and chase after someone who probably had forgotten all about him. Why couldn’t he move on. He felt his eyes stinging as he watched his friend attack his fiancee with kisses, the loud hollering of the other twenty year olds around him thankfully drowned out the drumming of his own heart beat as he watched.

Kirishima was so engulfed in his own thoughts and trying his best to be happy for his friends that he didn’t even notice the smile that grew on a certain pink haired girl as she finally zeroed in on her prey. She slipped away from the serving staff and ran back to the little room where Katsuki was getting ready to go on stage, “He’s here.” she said, out of breath from running so fast.

Katsuki’s face broke out in a nervous smile as he gripped his guitar tight, Mina had told him about the man who came to the restaurant solely to watch him sing. She had also apologized for chasing him away but here he was again, it was Katsuki’s second chance at this and he wouldn’t screw it up. He didn’t even know what the man looked like, what his name was, Mina had refused any information and simply told him to watch for the eyes. Katsuki had no idea what any of what she said meant at any point in time and often had written her off as a nineteen year old who was too smitten with her girlfriend to notice much else but he couldn’t deny the little excitement that was building in his stomach.

He waited until his cue was called and walked out, wincing a little at the unusual bright light. The restaurant was usually dimly lit with just enough light for everyone to comfortably see each other and the food but not bright enough for a stellar selfie.

“It’s the vibe Bakubro, you need to understand these things.” Mina had told him when he asked her about the lighting situation and he had simply shook his head. He had been working at the restaurant for around three years now, he met Shoto Todoroki in university and when he took over his fathers restaurant Katsuki joined him. The two had formed a sort of unlikely friendship, Katsuki would work in the kitchen during the morning and perform at night. He enjoyed his work, it let him sing and cook and still get paid for it and he was always in the company of good people though he would never really tell Mina or Shoto how much he appreciated having them around.

He smiled at the crowd and noticed the to be weds right away, sitting together hands tangled with each other, attached as if even a second away from the other would result in catastrophe. Bakugou smiled, he remembered that kind of a love but that was a long time ago and if he thought about it too much he wouldn’t be able to perform tonight. There would be no sad songs for tonight no matter how tightly the wire wrapped around his heart was pulled.

“Hey everyone, I’m Bakugou Katsuki and I’ll be your entertainment for the night. Congratulations to the happy couple, Kaminari Denki and Jirou Kyouka I hope you have a life of peace and comfort with each other.” He said, pouring as much sincerity into his words as he could. He watched the couple kiss before clapping for the singer and felt that familiar tightness in his chest but pushed it away like he had been doing for years now. He gave the couple a minute to come back to the rest of them before settling down and starting his music.

Kirishima felt like he was going to cry, he knew where the words Katsuki spoke came from. He had at one time wanted to say the same to Katsuki dressed in a white suit of his own but life was cruel and fate was a tricky game to play. He listened to Katsuki sing as he ate his food, sneaking glances at the boy while the others talked. He looked beautiful adorned in a simple red shirt and black pants, there was nothing extravagant about his clothes but he looked like he had stepped fresh out of a fashion magazine with the way his hair fell in his eyes and his silver chains glittered against his lightly tanned skin. Kirishima would forget to breathe if he looked at Katsuki too long but then again he always had trouble breathing around the blonde.

“Okay Kyouka it’s time.” Kaminari called out and stood up. He looked down at his betrothed and stuck out a hand, Kirishima only had time to register the look of panic in Jirou’s eyes and the one of challenge in Kaminari’s before he had pulled her out of her seat and onto the dance floor. “You said you were better than me on the dance floor? Time I prove you wrong.”

Just like that the mood in the restaurant had shifted as Bakugou changed the song and the tempo and Kaminari was spinning Jirou around. Soon people where up and joining in on the fun while Kirishima remained at his table and watched them, he loved dancing but he had loved dancing with Bakugou. He had loved a great many things with Bakugou and he simply did not have the strength to do it without him when he was right there. This didn’t stop Mina though, when she saw the boy remain at his seat she huffed and stalked over to him.

“C’mon don’t be so stuffy.” She said and pulled him out of the chair before he had a chance to protest. Kirishima tried to weasel his way out of the dance but Mina had a strong grip and he didn’t want to make a scene and ruin everyone’s night so he went along with it. Kirishima fell into the rhythm soon enough as Mina took him around the dance floor, practically leading him. He only noticed the song had slowed down when she stepped away and he was left standing point blank in front of the one person he was trying to avoid.

“..i’m still into you.”

As the song finished and the rest of the audience erupted in cheers Kirishima remained frozen in spot, his eyes locked with Katsuki’s. He felt his eyes fill up with tears as realisation spread across Katsuki’s face and his eyes widened at the sight of his first love, his childhood romance, the one who promised he would never leave. It was like time had frozen for the two men as they stood in front of each other and Kirishima was afraid to move. He was afraid that if he made even a fraction of a movement it would all disappear and Kirishima would be back on the floor of his apartment crying into his hands but Katsuki had no such fear.

He moved, he got up and he moved but before he could even get off the stage Kirishima had started to run. He backed away from the crowd, who by now where all staring at the two men, and ran out of the restaurant, forgetting everything else. The only thought that occupied his mind was to get away, he had to get away, he had to leave or the dream would be shattered. The fantasy would be broken, so he ran.

Katsuki on the other hand was left standing in front of his own stage, bewildered guests and a giggling Mina watching him for his next move. He blinked once, twice, trying to understand whether what he had seen was real or not.

“Hey man you okay?” Came a voice from his side, Katsuki whipped around to see the groom himself wearing a worried expression on his face.

“I-yeah. Oh god I’m so sorry.” He started, unable to believe that he just ruined their weddings rehearsal dinner. He bowed deeply and apologised over and over, completely going against his nature but this was someone’s wedding he had wrecked an he felt the guilt eat him up from the inside.

“Chill, it’s okay. Do you know Kiri?” Kaminari asked, patting the singer on the side of his arm.

The name sent chills through Katsuki’s body, he opened his mouth to respond but it was dry. Too dry so he closed his lips, swallowed and tried again, “Y-yeah. Kirishima and I went to school together. We were, we were friends.” he said, the word sounded hoarse in his mouth. It sounded wrong and out of place. Kirishima was never just his friend, he was so much more but how was he supposed to encompass years of admiration and adoration into a single word.

“Hmm, listen why don’t we get a drink? Kyo I’ll be back in a bit okay?” Kaminari called out and his fiancee nodded at him, offering a reassuring smile.

Kaminari led the still disoriented blonde to the bar and sat down with him, mentally preparing for whatever he was going to hear. Kaminari acted aloof, he pretended he didn’t see the longing looks Kirishima had sent towards the singer the first time they came here, he pretended he didn’t see the way Kirishima’s heart cracked when Kaminari was with Jirou but what happened on the dance floor. The way the song had come to an almost abrupt end, the intensity that followed when the two men locked eyes and especially the way Kirishima raced out the door. It really wasn’t something he could ignore anymore so he ordered two glasses of whiskey and got ready to listen.

Kirishima was hunched over his toilet seat as he puked up whatever he had eaten, seeing Katsuki, having Katsuki see him was too much. He had collapsed into his own home and made a beeline to the washroom, throwing open the door and expelling anything and everything that was in his stomach. Once he was done he slumped onto the marble floor, exhausted and sweaty. Katsuki had seen him, he had seen him, he had recognised him.

Eventually Kirishima dragged himself off the floor and stripped himself bare. He sat on the floor of his bathtub for what felt like an hour until the hot water started pruning his skin. He walked out and wrapped a towel around his waist, before he could leave Kirishima caught a glance of himself in the mirror and flinched. He hadn’t realised how tired he had become or how deep his dark circles had gone, he didn’t realise how skinny he had let himself become despite running in the mornings. His mouth tasted horrible and he looked like a reanimated corpse with all the concealer from earlier washed off. Kirishima splashed water in his face again and sighed deep, his hands pressed against the counter. He took a deep breath. This couldn’t go on, he couldn’t continue being so pathetically lost, chasing after someone who had given him up. Chasing after a dream that was long dead and gone. He picked up his tooth brush and began brushing at his teeth ferociously as thought attacking the germs would somehow remove what was deeper inside. Hot fresh tears fell from his eyes as he brushed but he refused to stop. Kirishima brushed his teeth until the tears stopped falling.

The bell rang just as he was changing, he turned to his bedroom door, eyebrows perked wondering who it could possibly be. He had already texted Kaminari and informed him that he was okay, just felt a little sick and didn’t want to ruin the party for everyone else and he had responded almost immediately. Had the other man really come to check on him? It was much too early for him to leave his own wedding party and if Kaminari really had followed him back home he was going to be positively eaten alive by guilt.

Kirishima walked to the door, his shirt lay forgotten on the bed as he walked to the door to open it and he regretted it the minute he opened it. If Kirishima had been just a little faster he probably could have slammed the door, he could have slammed the door and hid in his room until the other person went away but he wasn’t fast enough.

Katsuki anticipated this so he slipped a foot in between the door the minute it was opened, he winced when the door slammed against his foot but refused to move it. He wouldn’t mess up a second time, he wouldn’t loose him again.

“Eiji please.”

Kirishima closed his eyes as his breathing got faster, he was hiding behind his door. He couldn’t see him, he wasn’t ready for this, wasn’t prepared in any manner for this confrontation but what was he to do. Bakugou was standing on the other side, refusing to let him go so what exactly was he supposed to do other than let him in. He couldn’t exactly leave the other boy stranded out in the cold and if knew Kirishima knew anything about Bakugou it was that he was stubborn. He would wait outside and make himself sick until Kirishima let him in so he steadied himself, forced his hands to stop shaking and opened the door.

Kirishima opened the door and turned around, he didn’t want to look at him, wanted to go on pretending for however long he could so he didn’t look, he didn’t even acknowledge him and went straight for the couch. He took a seat on one side, eyes still trained on the ground as if he would miss the secrets of the universe if he looked away.

“Eiji…” Katsuki started, his voice soft and reserved like he was scared of what he was saying. Like if he spoke too loud or said something wrong everything would evaporate, Kirishima would disappear and he would be alone again so he swallowed deep and steadied his own hands before speaking again. “Eiji…” he started but stopped short, “fuck I don’t know what to say.” he whispered, rubbing the back of his neck.

Kirishima let out a small laugh, slapping his hands over his mouth when he realised but that seemed to be enough for some of the tension in the room to deflate. Katsuki took a seat on the other side of the couch, waiting for Kirishima to say something, waiting for him to at least look at him but nothing came so started again, “Eijirou I’m sorry.”

Kirishima nearly snapped his neck with the speed at which he turned to look at the other man, he didn’t know what exactly he was expecting. Maybe a confrontation, an angry Katsuki Bakugou demanding to know why he was being stalked, something but definitely not this. He didn’t expect an apology so when his eyes locked with the others he forgot to feel nervous.

“I know I’m about six years too late but I’m sorry for calling you the underdog, for dismissing your passions. I know I should never have let you walk away from that. Never should stopped fighting, I’m sorry I let you give up on us, walk away fro-” Katsuki couldn’t finish what he was saying though because within seconds Kirishima had tackled him to the ground.

“I GAVE UP? I WALKED AWAY?” He yelled as his grip tightened on the boys collar. Not even five minutes into seeing each other and they were back in twelfth grade, inches away from each other with Kirishima pinning Katsuki to the ground, anger and betrayal blazing in his eyes.

“I was not the one who threw everything away, I was not the one who refused to get help or listen, I was not the one who broke a lamp because someone else flirted, because someone else spread a rumour. I did not give up on us, you did. You gave up before we even had a chance to be saved.” He spat out, everything he’s been wanting to say piling to the top of his throat but the tears in his eyes had become too much.

He couldn’t see anymore, the water that had pooled in his eyes and was blocking his vision. He knew that if he opened his mouth again all that would come out would be sobs so he stayed quiet.

It was quiet for a while as the tears fell from his eyes and landed on Katsuki’s cheeks, they felt like acid burning through the years and years of denial he had built. He looked up at the other man, his eyes wide in shock as he finally, finally realised just what he had done all those years ago. Katsuki couldn’t find anything to say, he couldn’t find his voice so he did the only thing he knew how to, he pulled Kirishima in and wrapped his arms around the other man.

He tensed for a minute as Kirishima’s hands remained at his collar but within seconds his hands had slipped from Bakugou’s collar down to his chest. Kirishima tucked his head in the crook of Katsuki’s neck and let the tears come freely. He didn’t know why and he didn’t know what he was feeling all he knew was that Bakugou’s hands felt like home and he had been searching for far too long.

They stayed like that for longer than either one expected, Kirishima eventually falling asleep in Bakugou’s hold but he didn’t budge until he finally heard the little snores from the other man. Bakugou realised too late what had happened and a smile crept onto his face so he repositioned the other man so he could left him up and carried him to the bedroom. Bakugou placed him, gently on the bed and lingered for a minute. His hand ghosted the skin on Kirishima’s face, not daring to touch him, too scared that he would ruin it. He would ruin his peace again if he touched, if he even took a wrong breath everything would shatter and the sleeping man would be awake and afraid again. He stayed there and watched his chest rise and fall, watched the way his nostrils would flutter when he breathed and smiled to himself. A smiled that was so secret, tucked away only for the person who held his heart.

The snow began to fall as he watched his lover and soon enough the streets would be blanketed in white. Soon enough they would be stuck inside with the warmth of the house and the other, soon enough the universe would play it’s final card and maybe love really does find it’s way back. Katsuki slept on the couch that day, he couldn’t bare the thought of leaving, of travelling back to his own apartment, the empty bed and the cold tiles. He couldn’t leave when Kirishima was this close so he wrapped himself tighter in his coat and fell asleep on the couch.

Kirishima woke up to a cold room and a warm blanket tickling his nose, he blinked and looked around as memories flooded his brain but nothing seemed to match. He was alone in his bedroom, the door cracked just a little, he was dressed in his own clothes and there was no sign of a fiery blonde in his home. He sat up and rubbed his head wondering if he had somehow dreamt up everything that had occurred the night before. It couldn’t be, he couldn’t have dreamt up the pain that rose in his chest, he couldn’t have dreamt the feeling of Bakugou’s arms wrapped around him. He just couldn’t have fucking dreamt any of that, it had to be real.

And it was. A few steps into his living room proved that he didn’t make any of it up, that it was real because there, asleep on his couch was Bakugou Katsuki with his blonde hair flat against his forehead and winter coat wrapped tight around him. Kirishima sucked in a breath and stumbled back inside his room, not that it was real he didn’t know what to do. He wanted to talk, he could now, all the things he had wanted to say came to him at once, he could finally talk but fear gripped his heart like it always does. The iron clad fist that curled around his strength and courage anytime he thought of contacting Katsuki was back.

Kirishima clenched his fists and grunted, he pressed his forehead against the wall and slammed his fist against it, over and over until the roaring in his ears finally stopped and when he opened his eyes again Katsuki was standing there worry dripping from his eyes.

“Good morning.” Kirishima said, straightening himself to look the other man in the eye.

“I-uh good morning Eiji-” he started but was cut off but Kirishima’s hand in front of his face.

“Kirishima. You call me Kirishima.” he said and turned around to pick up a discarded t-shirt from the chair. “Are you hungry?”

“Yeah… okay Kirishima, let’s eat.” he said, his nails pressed against his skin to quell the heartache at the other mans words.

Kirishima wordlessly walked out of the bedroom and made his way to the kitchen, he could feel Bakugou walking behind him. He felt the energy that followed, he knew being told to call Kirishima Kirishima had struck him close to home but it was okay. Kirishima didn’t have the strength to hear his name play on Katsuki’s tongue so lovingly, he didn’t have a strong enough resolve to hear the way he called his name and not immediately jump into his arms.

Kirishima took out a pack of sliced bread and jam from his fridge, “what do you want?”

“Anything is fine.”

He nodded and went back to what he was doing, Kirishima would not let Bakugou bulldoze the conversation. He would not fall back into problematic patterns, he would be in control. He repeated these words in his mind over and over again while he toasted the bread and spread jam on the four slices. He made coffee for both the men, regretfully remembering the way Bakugou liked it.

Bakugou noticed and bit the inside of his mouth so as not to smile.

“What are you doing here?” Kirishima asked finally as he placed the food and drink on the kitchen counter. He leaned against it, standing opposite from Bakugou as he ate his toast and waited for a reply.

“I work here, at Shoto’s. Singing and cooking, it’s a pretty decent gig, we met in University…” he trailed off as he watched Kirishima’s expression tighten, “Not what you wanted to hear got it. Uh shit I don’t know Ei- Kirishima, I saw you at the restaurant and my first instinct was to chase you. Fuck I half thought you where a fever dream I cooked up until your friend explained that you were in fact real and well I don’t know how could I not follow.”

Kirishima watched Bakugou as he spoke, noticed the way his body tensed up and his face became unbearably sad. If Kirishima wasn’t yelling at himself to keep it together he probably would have caved and taken Bakugou in his arms again but he stood still and he listened.

“I haven’t seen you in so long Kirishima, you dipped like two days after graduation. Hell I didn’t even know you had gone until lzuku told me.”

“Izuku?” Kirishima interrupted him surprised that Bakugou had actually used Midoriya’s first name instead of the cruel nickname he had for the boy throughout their lives. He watched Bakugou’s face flush and his hand shot up to rake through his hair before he replied.

“Ah yeah, Izu and I patched things up. He helped me a lot after we um, after we ended. Our families get together a few times a year. He’s getting married next year.” Bakugou finished, embarrassment clear on his face.

“How unexpected, I suppose you have grown up Bakugou.” Kirishima said as he finished off his bread. “Why did you follow me?”

“Fuck Kiri I had to, I couldn’t let you go again. I know I fucked up back then, I know I did everything wrong and pushed you away. I know I didn’t deserve you then but I’ve worked on it every day since. I went to therapy Kiri, I found someone who specializes in adolescent anger issues and got help. I patched things up with Izuku, I made friends, real ones in University, one of them is even my boss now. I changed Kirishima I really have and I did every single thing with the hopes that I’d find you again someday. I’ll admit in the last year that hope had faded but it was still worth it, I changed because of you.” He said and took a deep shaky breath, Kirishima could see how difficult this was. Apologising, laying his emotions out in the open had always been difficult for Baugou but he was doing it. Kirishima could see the change clear as day.

“Because I never wanted to hurt you, you’re the last person in the world I wanted to hurt but all I did was hurt you and put you through so much pain while you stayed. God fucking dammit you always stayed with me. You stayed right next to me through everything and I’m so fucking sorry.” He said and moved around the counter to stand next to Kirishima. He took the boys surprisingly cold hands in his own and spoke again, voice quiet as a whisper, “I’m sorry Eijirou, please let me prove to you I deserve you now.”

Kirishima felt his defences fall as warning bells rang in his head, looking at Bakugou so close, begging to give him another chance all Kirishima wanted to do was claim him. To pull the blonde in and kiss him and ask him a thousand times over to stay this time but something held him back. The memories of all the struggle, of all the fights and difference in opinions remained like a sour taste in his mouth.

He removed his hands from Bakugou’s hold and took the dishes to the sink.

“I can’t do this again Bakugou, you hurt me. I gave you everything, my trust, my heart, I let you into all my insecurities and laid it all bare for you and then you had the nerve to throw it back in my face. You broke things, you yelled and caused a scene when anyone would even do so much as look at me. I can’t do that again Bakugou, I’m an adult man, I have a job, I have a life.” Kirishima said and stopped, he hadn’t dared to look at Bakugou yet afraid of what he would see but if he didn’t now he would never be able to so he turned around before speaking again, “I have too much self respect to be pushed around by you again.”

Kirishima locked eyes with the other man and watched as his face fell, watched as realisation washed over him and he stepped back. He stood still for a minute, eyes downcast and when he finally looked up they where filled to the brim with unshed tears.

“I’m so sorry Kirishima. I’m so fucking sorry. God I’m so sorry, I’m sorry I’m sorry..” he continued like that, mumbling, repeating his apologies as the tears spilled and his hands clutched at his shirt. Bakugou had realised many things, he had fixed and grown past many things but he had never even in his worst of nightmares imagined that he had hurt Kirishima so much and the knowledge was too much.

Kirishima wanted to console the other man, he wanted to tell him that he accepted the apology and it would be okay and they could start over. It was killing him to not do anything but he didn’t move for the millionth time that day. He watched for a little while longer until his heart got the better of him and he walked forward. Kirishima took Bakugou’s hands in his own, holding them so softly as if too strong a grip would break the blonde in two.

“Thank you. It’s okay. I’m not the same person I was back then and I don’t think you are either. It’s okay.” He said and ducked his head a little to look the other man in the eyes. “You’re okay.”

A few hours later and the two where seated on the couch, on opposite ends from each other as they filled each other in on their lives after high school. Katsuki had gone on to study cooking much to his parents dismay but he enjoyed it. It helped him keep calm and his therapist thought it was ideal for his explosive tendencies. He met Shoto at university and they had made plans to work together after University was over, Katsuki had never wanted to own a restaurant, he didn’t want to deal with all the politics and business that came with it so he took on the official title as chef. He had a few boyfriends after Kirishima but none had felt right, none had been able to see Bakugou the way Kirishima could. Kirishima would be lying if he said he stomach didn’t flutter hearing those words.

“Will you come to the restaurant tomorrow?” Bakugou asked as he stepped out of the apartment, ready to leave.

Kirishima pursed his lips and held the mans gaze as he thought it over and nodded, “I’ll be there.”

“Sit up front this time.” Bakugou said and smiled at him before leaving.