#god DAMN IT !!!!!!!! can you fucking believe this. i got hubris while reading this damn book and decided 2 read in tha bath

[oneweekoneband]

In the first cold hours of a new December morning, Taylor Swift once again revealed herself to be the primary antagonist in my hero’s journey. Weary and woebegone as I am, I will not waste strength on any attempt to deny that this latest attack has knocked me off balance, but I believe it is important that I—we, really, the lot of us who have been bloodied pitiably beneath this most brutal show of force—rebound immediately into a defensive posture so that there might be any hope at all for survival. Taylor’s second pandemic album will be released at midnight tonight, so I guess Shakespeare and his little “play” about elder abuse can get fucked after all. The album is called evermore. It was hubris, I can see in retrospect, which led me to tempt my enemy by writing all these words about her on this, the week of her birthday, knowing as I do that Taylor is one of those especially dangerous adults who make a big deal about both birthdays and lucky numbers. Icarus is my name now, covered in melted wax and tumbling to the sea. So as to steel ourselves for these horrors yet to come, I offer now, with not arrogance but the faith of the foolhardy, my best conjecture as to the content of each detestable track. 

willow - Could be about a tree. Could be about a girl. More likely it is both somehow, which is extremely pervy, and not just because that’s part of the plot of the unspeakably cursed The Raven Cycle novels, which I, a full blown adult with, generally speaking, normal brain function, voluntarily read for the first time this summer because some of us, ma’am, used the pandemic for activities that hurt only ourselves, not others. Well, happy holidays, tree fuckers.

champagne problems - Whatever this is, know that I will be considering it a work after Fall Out Boy’s “Champagne for My Real Friends, Real Pain for My Sham Friends” and I’ll be right to do so and many people will say as much admiringly and they’ll smile at me with pride and doff their caps as I go.

gold rush - If this song is anything but a loving, comprehensive summation of the children’s novel DEAR AMERICA Seeds of Hope: The Gold Rush Diary of Susanna Fairchild then I’m going to walk directly out of my home and, deadly virus be damned, keep walking until I’ve entered Taylor Swift’s instead, at which point I will begin to scream out a litany of complaints at the very top of my voice, ceasing only when her security team kills me or we fall in love.

tis the damn season - Worst case scenario this is a sad Christmas song (the best kind of Christmas song) and it devastates me in the most degrading way possible. Best case scenario it’s really bad and dumb and I can live without pain.

tolerate it - Many possibilities here. Could be about white-knuckling it through a period of depression, or a breakup. Most obviously, it could be about COVID-19 lockdowns keeping us trapped in our homes, disconnected from loved ones, going slow-brained and strange, bowls piling up, and suddenly so desperate for human interaction that even memories of having drinks with somebody from Hinge who quoted Friends twice in an hour are tantalizing in comparison to the touch-starved dreamstate of staying indoors... But I kinda feel like this is Taylor replying “COPE” from on high to my tweets about how I would rather be boiled alive than have to face the existence of this record.

no body, no crime (feat. Haim) - What would be very good is if this is a homosexual romp about Taylor Swift and the one hot Haim guitar girl with the really gay energy doing a murder together a la “Somethin’ Bad” by Miranda Lambert with Carrie Underwood, but honestly, it is probably another song about Gone Girl.

happiness - Impossible to speak on this since, thanks to Taylor Swift, happiness is something with which I have no familiarity. 

dorothea - Have seen chirping on the odious bird application about how perhaps this song title suggests that Taylor has written a song about Middlemarch, titling it for Dorothea Brooke, but I reject this because it implies that Taylor has read Middlemarch, which is a premise I cannot accept. Whether this refusal is out of self-preservation, being unwilling and in fact unable to face a world where Taylor Swift read and was moved to creation by the novel which was my most essential friend the summer I got dumped by a guy who I still had to work feet away from in a candle factory for another month, and about which Emily Dickinson (Emily Dickinson whose birthday it happens to be today, which isn’t to say that this means anything about anything. I am simply trying to batten down all hatches literally and spiritually in light of having been had once again by this numerology obsessed demon) once wrote "What do I think of Middlemarch? What do I think of glory.” or because I just at my core do not believe that Taylor has read a single book since Gone Girl I couldn’t possibly say.

coney island (feat. The National) : Some ungodly americana ass bullshit that is going to ruin my life. The thought of holy terror shaped like a horse girl Taylor Swift and trickster nymph in the body of a tax accountant Matt Berninger, two individuals I have allowed, separately, to cause me grievous psychic harm, having even the barest amount of one to one contact, even digitally, has made me want to peel all my skin off and put it back on flipped inside out so that I might, when I look in the mirror, see a version of myself which approximates how I feel.

ivy - Another song for the plant lesbians. That’s fine, and I’m happy for that community, but what I want to know, looking at this growing pile of songs named after women, is where, Taylor, is the song about loudmouth queen Inez, legendary gossip and, for my money, the star of folklore?  

cowboy like me - Putting it as mildly as humanly possible, to slit my throat would be less cruel. I am drawing a straight line from me writing illegible sequels to perfect film An American Tail: Fievel Goes West (itself a sequel) in crayon as a toddler, to Paula Cole’s “Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?” on the radio in my mom’s two door Honda, to me everyday after school in third grade changing into the cowboy costume my godmother bought, to me at fourteen internalizing a sense of righteous indignation that would take years to even begin to outgrow when Crash beat Brokeback Mountain for Best Picture, to the winter I dropped half my classes out of fear and sickness and read paperback westerns on the twenty third floor of the college library for tens of hours at a go, to the profoundly gay episode of Supernatural called “Tombstone” which is, yes, named for the profoundly gay cowboy film Tombstone, to the inspired and revitalizing pause in “Space Cowboy” by Kacey Musgraves where she’s like, “You can have your space........ cowboy”, to Mitski’s Be the Cowboy, to the perfect boygenius cover of certified classic “Cowboy Take Me Away”, to whatever the hell this is going to be.That line is not to make a point at all. It’s just that there is a line and beside it there is me, incapacitated.

long story short - Just like all the other times anyone has ever invoked this phrase in the entire history of human beings expressing themselves with language, it is going to be a huge lie, because this woman never shuts up.

marjorie - After all that Taylor has put me through over the years, she should have at least named one of these wretched things “ellen” after my dead Sagittarian grandmother, whose birthday is tomorrow, December 11th, which is again, the release date of Taylor Swift’s second album in sixth months, but it’s probably for the best that she didn’t because you simpletons would immediately think it was an homage to George Bush’s friend Dory the fish, and therefore gay, regardless of the actual text of the song, and it’d be the “betty” massacre all over again. That being said, this is almost assuredly another horny song about some mid-century white lady. Only days ago Taylor was telling Entertainment Weekly that she’s been watching a lot of movies in quarantine, and while she didn’t name 1958’s Marjorie Morningstar starring Natalie Wood, I wouldn’t put it past her.

closure - God, I hope this one is another Kaylor classic so we can all act like complete raving lunatics online from the confines of our own plague quarters for a few days. It’s been a hard year.

evermore (feat. Bon Iver) - I’ll be catatonic by this point. Who cares?

right where you left me - Yes, in hell.

it’s time to go - Yes, TO HELL.

[eyeslikefoxglove]

Episode 10 - Tywin Lannister called, he wants the Rains of Castamere back & once again, Foxglove cheers when someone gets shanked

Hiiiii! Welcome to episode 10 commentary! I’m doing this one right after episode 9 because for once in my life I started on this early enough in the day I can get more than one single episode in. Hope you enjoy!

Before I descend into several “wtf is wrong with this guy” rants, let me point a funny to y’all. The corpse that WWX checks for pupillary changes is not only breathing, you can see his carotid pulse jumping on his neck.

Ok done.

WHAT THE FUCK THAT’S A LITTLE GIRL WHAT THE FUCK.

Fuck this creeper oh my god. I know he’s supposed to have a tragic past and be cute and charismatic but I just want to shush him every time he opens his mouth.

(XXC truly looks like an elven prince doesn’t he)

Aaaaaand WWX gives zero fucks about your dramatic exit stage right.

He also gives zero fucks about the fight to the death happening right in front of him, I mean, why would he when he can flirt with LWJ instead?

Speaking of said fight, I really hope they sped up the footage of them spinning through the air, because if whatever machine and harnesses they used truly spun them so fast I feel for the actors/body doubles.

Hey XXC that’s your boyfriend right there!

Today is really not XY’s day is it.

(That disgusted face WWX makes is pretty much a visual representation of what I feel when XY tries to be cute. Seriously)

SHUT UP XY MY BOY IS HAVING A FANBOY MOMENT.

I can’t believe I’m saying this but he’s got a point. Not in this case, because these five are actually good people but the rich and powerful are indeed a bunch of hypocrites. *Softly plays Eat the Rich*

LWJ is a hairsbreadth away from slapping XY out of his faux-innocent act and I can’t say I fault him tbh. And WWX is fucking smug because he is the king of being a little shit and this amateur got nothing on him.

Is Zhu Zanjin wearing eyeliner or are his eyelashes actually that incredible?

I’m making pained noises because I keep wondering what would’ve happened if WWX had asked XXC for help after people mounted a witch hunt against him and why do I keep doing this to myself?

WWX: *talks about his boyfriend*

JC: *eyeroll*

Oh my god this bit is so painful. You can see how starved WWX is about finding the smallest connection with his mum and my soul hurts.

And LWJ’s face watching them go. He’s probably just realised this was a dream you could have, and there it is, walking away. I’m gonna go make myself some tea and eat some cake or something, I deserve it after all this emotional turmoil.

(Aaaaaaand there goes XY being a fucking creep again)

LOOK AT MY TWO LIL CUPCAKES BEING FUCKING ADORABLE WHEN THEY GET PRAISED. LOOK AT THEM.

We’ve already established that I have the survival instincts of a concussed lemming but NMJ is a dude I want to get into a shouting match with. I don’t dislike him or anything and he’s badass, but watching this is obvious a five year old with an attitude can push his buttons. And he’s both a political leader and has a whole baby brother to take care off, you can’t allow yourself to get so angry you contemplate murder in your living room my dude. Furthermore, I know his way of cultivation makes him even more unstable and prone to Qi deviation; but instead of finding a way to work around that this idiot is ok with dying young and leaving everyone who loves him fucking devastated. Because why? It’s the way of his clan? It’s traditional? It’s honourable? Fuck that, no wonder NHS dislikes sword fighting so much if that’s going to eventually kill his big brother.

NMJ: I am a just and frank man, I fear nothing in presence of sinners like you.

Me, with a megaphone: HUBRIS IS A BITCH

The One Braincell Trio being MY fanboys gives me life *insert another million canon-divergences in which they befriend MY and everything is less Lannister red as a result*

THIS ASSHOLE IS2G SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING LIKE THAT ABOUT MY MUM AND NO ONE WILL FIND THE BODY.

Ok, NMJ called Lan Yi “the great talented leader of the Lan”, I want to pick a less violent fight with him now.

Wei “let me be damn sexy while drinking” Wuxian back at it again.

WUJI IS ON! MOONLIGHT! ROOFTOPS!

WWX: Lan Zhan I’ll sleep on your roof tonight

LWJ: Wei Ying I have to go

WWX: Lan Zhan I’ll sleep on your roof tonight

LWJ: Wei Ying, there’s room in my bed if we snuggle.

There, I fixed it. (Here I come again, joking to hide the pain. Parting is such sweet sorrow and all that)

... oh hey I’d never noticed how big Wang YiBo’s hands are and now I’m in trouble. Which is funny, cause LWJ is v much not my type, but Wang YiBo apparently is now? I mean, I’ve reblogged stuff about him because he’s ridiculously beautiful but...

*falls down a google images rabbit hole*

...

Yeah I can safely say I’m into Wang YiBo’s badboy-prettyboy-coolboy-gremlinboy attitude.

Anyway back to the show:

That was a fucking great sword throw and I love the little smirk MY’s wearing.

... what did I just see?

I don’t know how to describe it, but when WZL sticks the tip of his sword into the flat of NMJ’s sabre and drives him back and you see then go through the frame in front of WC? That’s like the most ridiculous anthropomorphic version of a train dragging a car along the tracks. All that’s missing is the “nyooooom” sound.

Speaking of WZL that’s one coolheaded dude.

Ok, I’m going to go down a Meng Yao rabbit hole again. Brace yoselves.

At risk of sounding like NHS I really don’t know why MY would’ve set XY free. I mean, if he gets XY and the Yin Iron back to WRH he’s got the chief cultivator’s favour... but everyone and their mum wants WRH out of the scene, including as far as he knows Daddy Dearest. He’s clever enough to realise there’s going to be a war, so he might’ve though that if he put himself up as a spy this soon it would’ve benefited the, yet nonexistent, SunShot Campaign. In the book he also murders his bully of a superior right before “defecting” and becoming a spy, and much like in here, NMJ catches him and stabbing happens. Do I think he, like the Jins, was playing both sides during the war? Yeah, but in this instance if I were him I wouldn’t trust in the benevolence of a man who makes puppets out humans for funsies, especially seeing how much he gets bullied.

Now if we go the other direction, of wrong place wrong time, MY doesn’t seem displeased with the Nies. I mean, NMJ and NHS like and respect him as far we’ve seen, NMJ even follows his advise. Why would he want to risk his fucking neck against NMJ just to get a potential in (that again depends on WRH liking him) to spy in a potential war? Call me a hufflepuff, but I’d stay put. Right before NMJ finds MY murdering someone we hear the voice of he asshole captain who loves to mess with MY, same captain that wasn’t present when confronting WC and that was really fucking drunk last night. I’m not saying this man works for the Wens, but hangovers make you sluggish and tired, who’s to say XY didn’t actually break tf out if this yahoo was the one guarding him (back again to the bit when MY asked the captain to post extra guards and the captain told him where to stick it, we don’t know if he actually doubled the guard) and MY walked in on it. Now this asshole has the perfect scapegoat! The *insert his preferred MY slur* did it! He saw it! And MY either panics or snaps and gets stabby.

Listen, it’s murder either way, and I won’t pretend MY doesn’t have a whole alphabet of plans for every situation, but damn I cheered.

Shut the fuck up WC.

My one track mind is shrieking because MY has a stab wound in his chest and he’s just... chilling? (Like a villain lol)

Did y’all see the fan smacking the hand bit? Now that I’ve seen the whole thing is evident, but that’s pretty much the same exact show as at the beginning with the “mysterious man”. Ooooohhhh I love the hints!

HOLY FUCK NMJ IS CRYING (my 3zun ship is sailing y’all can’t stop me).

Speaking of 3zun if y’all could point me to nice fics where everything doesn’t go up in flames for these three idiots I’d appreciate it.

And that’s all for this episode. Thanks for reading.

[goldenart0]

I am someone who believes that most stories would do better if there was a character (specifically protagonist) who just puts all of there points into charisma. Like, I love villains that are just Manipulative Bastards (like MCD Zane, brilliant character and villian. A dick, but well written), but honest to god having protagonists doing those things is equally as awesome to me.

And there’s also kinda this thing with Oscar ending up giving characters morality crises (I specifically saw on thing with Neo and Cinder as like a ‘what if Neo and Cinder ended up kidnapping Oscar but he just ends up giving them a morality crises) because baby. But then I thought, okay that, but more on purpose. Like specifically trying to get people to have morality crises or just not kill him.

So of course I put two and two together, and ended creating a list of reasons I think it makes sense for Oscar to be the kind of character with all point into charisma and such.

1) It fits his actually character so far.

Oscar from what we’ve seen always tends to try talking over nearly any other plan. In V5 he got Ruby to kinda open up a bit. Durning his fight with Hazel in V5 after learning Hazel’s story he tries to convince Hazel to move on and not blame anyone other then his sister for it (“did she know the risks?”). V6 he tried talking to Jaune after the group told JNR about Salem. And in V7, while everyone else was either fighting someone or trying to get to safety, he went to talk to and convince Ironwood to stop what he’s doing. There have been quite a few times where this tactic has failed, but the point still being it’s what he nearly always defaults to. Talk and convince other as opposed to jumping to punching them. Also, in V7 when everything was kinda falling apart in Atlas while they were at the party and James was panicking because the plan was falling apart, Oscar was the one to help James realize (maybe even help come up with a plan) that this isn’t as bad as it seems and that they can turn in around. This isn’t just plain optimism, this is taking the scene and finding a way to make in work in your favor. Which I’m sure is something that will come real handy soon. On that note, since (I’m like 90% sure) we’re out of act two and into act three, things will start to look up a bit more for our protagonists. And by most means they are in a very bad situation right about now. But as we’ve seen, bad situations can be turned good in you think right.

1.5) Also, he’s not the best fighter. And he knows this. In volumn six he specifically comes into the ship with Maria to help by watching from above. He doesn’t work well by being in the front lines, and he knows that. Besides this group needs someone who can deal with, ya know, people and most of them not really seem to fill that role quite that best (I know ruby can deliver her speeches in moments if need, but could she handle a professional meeting or discussion? I think not).

2) It’s not a typical story path.

These traits of making situations work better for you and convincing other to do things you’d like (ie.dont kill me) tend to be traits more given to villains as opposed to heroes. Think about it. How many villain to you know that manipulated and cunning compared to heroes. Not much in this day and age. But RWBY has done this kind of thing before. Take Ruby for example. Just looking at her we see dark colors, a cloak, a not typical hero weapon. But then we meet her and? It’s a bouncy girl who loves weapons, loyal to her friends, and with a spark that just won’t go out. She does not seem like what we’d expect by just given her design. Oscar himself already does this to some degree. He is the actual definition of a chosen one protagonist. And yet he is not the protagonist at all, and honestly that makes this idea even more fun. As I said, this is a trait that villains tend to get. Chosen one heroes never really get this, they fight to cunning villain instead. So seeing that flipping of traits and breaking of tropes is wonderful to me, and I love it and I hope RWBY never stop doing it.

3) Greek Mythology:

There are two main kinds of heroes in Greek mythology (at least as we’ve been able to find and collect, mythology is Fucking Weird sometimes. Most times history and time don’t really help much). The prideful one, who gets destroyed by their own hubris and the cunning one. Salem falls very much into the first of those. She’s like a Bellerophon, trying to reach the gods but being struck down, or an Icarus flying to close to the sun. Oscar on the other hand seems to be a bit more like Odysseus, may not physically be the strongest, but damn he was smart enough to get out of many bad situations. Or Heracles who, despite what modern media tends to show him as, was really fricken smart. The dude managed to trick Atlas into taking the sky back by basically saying he’d take it back but then went “fun fact! I lied. Bye!”. He figured out how to take down enemies many thought were immortal though smarts and figuring out their weaknesses. He realized when he couldn’t physically do something, found a way to do it, and won some horse along the way. Ancient Greece really liked to say, Brawns won’t do you shit if you don’t have the brains to back then up, and even when as far to go with that brains were more important then brawns at points. Also, remember that story with Atlas and Heracles I just told you? Well I mean they are in Atlas and they need to find some shiny relics...

4) There will be no victory in strength:

One of the main themes in RWBY is how you can’t just fight your way out of everything. Now the main group hasn’t quite realized this yet, hence why they were so upset about the Salem thing. But Oscar is the epitome of this idea. He doesn’t go straight to fighting the majority of the time, and tries to talk with people and convince them to change. Now I’m not saying he should try that with Salem, I highly doubt that’ll work, but honestly it would probably work with most of the other antagonists in the series. (“I don’t need to be able to beat you in a fight, I just need to be able to convince you to fight someone else”).

5) Plans

Honestly, quite a few of the groups in RWBY are not the best planners. The protagonists a) tend to only think about what to do immediately and b) go to fighting first. They also don’t really back up plans, just kinda wing it of plan A doesn’t work. Ironwood is very rigid in his plans, both as not being able to deal well is the plan fails, and in letting other people bring up other ways to handle something. But as I say earlier, Oscar was the one to convince Ironwood that not all hope was lost and that new plans can be made out if the ashes of the old one. It’s sort of a “think ten steps ahead, but also look out for any opening and play with the hand you’re dealt” kind of thing. Because taking chances when you see that and bending a situation to fit what you need is very much a more manipulative move, but also can be very helpful. Especially is current plans are failing. Or everything is very very bad at the moment. And Oscar is the only we’ve really seen to something like that. Everyone else just tends to find a way that works and just stick with it, not really making room to be flexible. Flexibility is important you guys.

6) Possible Semblance:

I think one thing most of us all agree on is that there is no way that Oscar can just be holding in all of his emotions and just, like, be fully mentally ok at this point in time (okay honestly none if the kids are) and I at least would like for him to just snap. And I think a main part of that will be not having people listen to him (ie. James just shooting him instead of listen to what he had to say) and not being seen as himself and who he is. And we know that Semblances tend to relfect in a person. With all that being said, there is a power that could manage to not only hit that current issues Oscar’s having mentally, but also with the while ‘convincing others’ part. Glamour. Now I might be the only one that read about this because of what I’ve found online, but Fae Glamour, as well as being able to make you look different, can also ness with peoples brains a bit. Just like, some making you believe something different here, some changing if your perspective on reality there ya know? Oh if you’ve ever read the series, The Invisible Library (I recommend you do if you like fantasy, the multiverse, fae, dragons, etc.), the librarians in that have the ability to make this to things, the farther from what it’s normally be like the more effort it takes. Kinda like that. This also ties in with Oz general Fae-like thing. I’m not joking he’s very much like a Fae. (This would also tie into my next point woo transitions).

7) Conflict:

As has been said before, these sorts of things are not usually hero traits. And there are definitely people on the group who may not be the most okay with someone doing things that aren’t fully morally right all the time and that could very well cause some issues. Issue that is even occur would probably be dealt with in a more timely manor but still. (Also the FNDM might not like it as much as well, cause no one seems to understand that morality isn’t just black and white).

I think that’s all? I might end up adding more is I remember or think of it. Well thanks for surviving my ramble if you did read it all

[sparklyandchic]

🦋 MINI MIND MAKEOVER 🦋

okay i started the idea for this mini little mind makeover when i broke up with my boyfriend in like january. instead of being sad or angry, i wanted to be grateful for this time and take it as an opportunity to make life better for myself. then quarantine happened, so some of these are related to things i’ve learned since that started. either way, these aren’t all concrete things to do for your mind; some of them are just ways of thinking or pep talks. but if you can find one little piece of information or thought that makes you a little bit happier for a moment, that’s all i can hope for!

5-htp: okay first off- please ALWAYS consult your psychiatrist or medical professional before taking a supplement! taking 5-htp with, for example, serotonin-increasing medications can lead to a fatal illness called serotonin syndrome. personally, i started taking it because i had been on 10 mg prozac for a few months. it definitely dulled a lot of my anxiety and had a lot of positive aspects to it, but it dulled them almost too much to the point where i felt apathetic and detached from myself and the situations i was in. i was in a very unhealthy relationship and felt like i needed my mental clarity and “overthinking” processes back in order to identify what i was feeling and how to deal with it. i felt a lot more “sensitive” after coming off it, which was actually really welcome for me at first, but then it sort of dropped off into withdrawals. i was having constant panic attacks and crying very often. after a while, i was debating going back on prozac, but remembered i had taken 5-htp before. 5-htp is an amino acid that is a direct precursor to serotonin being produced in the brain. when u eat turkey, tryptophan is converted into 5-htp which leads to your brain producing serotonin, thus why you feel calm and happy afterwards. after taking 5-htp for just a few days, ranging between 200-300 mg per day (again, do your research, ask your doctor, and start small) i stopped crying constantly and really felt this sense of calmness and wellbeing but without the detachment and apathy i felt with prozac. i could still think clearly but didn’t feel overly sensitive to every emotion which arose. personally, it is really a lifesaver and really does make a noticeable difference.

cognitive behavioral therapy: ive tried therapy a million times. well okay, like 5 or 6 different therapists. at its worst, therapists told me i needed to use my sexual power as a woman in order to get what i wanted from men, told me i’m bad at socializing and should do group therapy, said my mom shouldn’t have encouraged me to “be myself” when i was younger because it made me less likeable than if i had conformed to normal societal standards of dressing. i had gone to “therapists” who claimed to be trained in CBT, but when i told them about my experiences with dissociation, the only feedback i got was to “take more baths.” while going through a few unpleasant experiences in my personal life, i decided i should try CBT once more, but like the real kind. i found an ivy-league educated licensed psychologist (NOT a “licensed clinical social worker” who doesn’t even have a psychology degree!!) who SPECIALIZED specifically in cognitive behavioral therapy. just after the first session, i was so elated with my experience. as opposed to just telling me that i needed to be more normal or more kind or a better person, she tried to identify WHAT was making me feel that way about myself in the first place. she pointed out the positive things i do and reassured me i was kind, good, and deserving of good things. she pointed out many aspects of my situation that would have taken me days or weeks to come to on my own. i’ve realized my hubris isn’t that i’m not socially acceptable or not perfect enough, but its just that i tend to THINK that i am these things despite having no evidence of it. so, over time with therapy, my positive self image about who i am as a person has grown and strengthened and i dont just randomly feel like a bad human being anymore lol. moral of the story, if you wanna do therapy but it keeps sucking, dont give up. go to a legit psychologist, find someone who specializes in the type of therapy you’re seeking, and also be vocal during your sessions. stand up to your psychologist when they continually push a narrative onto you, and explain why you don’t agree with it. sometimes it’s their job to try different narratives to see what fits, and if you just passively let them say what they want to, you’ll never find the truth of your experience! it’s a communal effort! therapy isn’t usually a magic cure-all where one session fixes everything that goes awry in your brain. but if you find someone who knows what they’re doing they can in fact really help your thought processes become less twisted up and more clear and healthy.

meditation and mindfulness: a few weeks ago i felt anxious and overly driven to get things done to the point where i spiraled into a space of guilt or a panic attack over not getting enough things done. meditation can be so so helpful here. it’s better to spend an hour sitting and doing nothing, but doing it peacefully and then calmly moving on to doing something else, than to spend 5 hours stressing yourself over every single thing you need to get done and how much time you’re wasting. the things that need to get done will get done. another thing that i’ve realized and say to myself a lot is: “focus not on doing all things perfectly, but on doing the small things well.” by this i mean, stop thinking about the 20 things you need to get done and how it all needs to be perfect, but instead take your time with the task that presents itself as most beneficial right now and focus on enjoying it and giving your whole self to the process. for example, stop thinking about how you need to clean your room, your closet, donate clothes, take a shower, take out the trash, read, workout, etc. think to yourself; “which task would bring me the most joy right now?” if the answer is taking a shower, then take that damn shower. bring your speaker into the bathroom, scrub every inch of your scalp with shampoo, scrub your feet and behind your ears and your neck with body wash, brush the conditioner through your hair fully. you may end your shower with 19 other things to do, but god damn if you can’t enjoy a single one of them and be present for it, what’s the fucking point! go light a candle and bask in its glow, go make your bed and huddle up in your neatly arranged covers, go take a long bath or a thorough shower, and be proud of and content with that today. 

relationships, with others and yourself: okay, if you missed the memo, my ex-boyfriend sucked. like genuinely was a bad person. he was a drug dealer, so that’s red flag number 1 (which i ignored of course), he hadn’t graduated high school (he was 18, i was 20, he was supposed to graduate the last semester but refused to do the work and ignored me and his mother when encouraged to do it, which is uhh definitely red flag number 2 which i also ignored), he habitually did not show up for dates on time or lied about what he was going to do or what he did (literally everything he did was a red flag and i rlly ignored all of it). the worst part was how he responded when i worked up the courage to speak to him about it. if we had agreed upon a time for our date but he showed up literally 8 hours late, he would blame it on me because i “could have called” him, or that i was “demanding too much of” him, or that i “should have said something earlier so now [i was] just dragging it out because it already happened.” basically, whatever narrative he pushed at me, i eventually gave into. i’ve dealt with gaslighting in a relationship before and a part of me knew what was happening to me, but a part of me also kept having hope for him, kept empathizing with him, kept wanting to believe in him. after a bit too much time, i finally realized you have to trust yourself, empathize with yourself, and believing in yourself over anyone else. at first i felt bad for him not being able to graduate because i had my own struggles with high school and getting work done. i thought he may have issues but he deserves someone to be there for him because i wanted someone to be there for me. despite the pain and stress he was causing me, i sat around crying over him because i cared about him and tend to over-empathize with people close to me, whether they deserve it or not. my therapist told me something that at first i did not understand, but over time came to grasp in its entirety: “some people do not deserve your love or kindness.” after our first session, my homework was to “consider when you are being kind and when you are being taken advantage of.” this made me realize that what feels like your instinctual nature to be nice to others, can in fact be a self-sabotaging unfair action, depending on the other person’s response. i might be dishing out a lot right now, but bear with me. think of it this way: you regard an action as a “kind action”. you might think “kind actions” include: forgiving someone for large mistakes, putting someone’s needs over yours, sparing them some change when they ask for it, listening to the problems they are dealing with every day. BUT when their actions include not forgiving you for minor mistakes, not giving a sh*t about your needs or considering them, not caring how much money they take from you and how much money you need to have around, or habitually glossing over your problems because it doesn’t benefit them to care, THEN those actions you performed are NOT “KIND ACTIONS” anymore. the act of continuing to give them leeway is now the act of being taken advantage of. the act of giving them money is now the act of being taken advantage of. the act of buying into their story at the expense of your sanity, is now the act of being taken advantage. basically, all i’m saying is START PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST AND TRUSTING YOURSELF WHEN YOU FEEL SOMEONE DOESN’T HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS IN MIND. 

ending thoughts: i know quarantine is difficult right now. the desire to grow contrasted with the inability to move. maybe try and follow that old 2008~ quote; “bloom where you are planted”. you might not be able to reach the goals you thought you would during this time. you might not be able to run a marathon or make a bunch of new friends or wake up at 6 AM to workout or redo your bedroom or get a rhinoplasty or join a gym or get an internship. working towards productivity might be unrealistic right now. but you can work everyday towards becoming the woman you want to be, mentally. you can work on learning to be content, learning to make the best with what you have, learning to appreciate the little things, learning to slow down. these are all qualities that i for one want to have just as much as i want to be attractive or successful. if you can’t enjoy success, what’s the fucking point! life is on pause right now, take this moment as a gift and consider your internal world and what parts of your mind need a makeover. there are horrible things happening in the world right now, do what you can to help, but if you’re safe and healthy then be grateful for the things you can learn from this difficult time. take it slow, but keep moving forward! 

[prayedtoyou]

A little birthday fic for @sweatercas 💝

It started with a jar of pickles.

The four of them are in the kitchen: Sam reading an article on his tablet, Cas and Benny playing some old card game Dean’s never heard of, and Dean standing at the counter prepping toppings for the burgers sizzling in a frying pan. Tomatoes were sliced, lettuce was torn into large pieces, onions cut into rings, ketchup and mustard and mayo sitting out in their bottles.

The jar of pickles is the last thing Dean picks up, because all it requires is to be opened. One would think it would be an easy task, but Dean squints at it when it doesn’t budge. He picks up a kitchen towel and tries to twist the lid off, with no purchase.

“Freakin’ pickles,” he mutters, picking up a knife and trying to jimmy it between the glass jar and the metal lid. He’d found the half empty jar in the back of the fridge after worrying that they didn’t have any left and even did a little happy dance before he remembered that his two boyfriends and brother were in the room.

Sam snickers quietly behind him. “Having trouble, Dean?”

“Shuddup,” Dean grunts, the knife slipping out of the crease and nearly stabbing him in the hand. He turns on the hot water and sticks it under, determined to get the damn thing open.

“You can save the world and come back from the dead, but you can’t open a jar of pickles?” Sam is sounding more amused by the second. Dean considers chucking the jar at his head; it would probably break, but hey, it would be open.

“Sammy, I swear to god.”

Cas sighs and pushes up off his seat. “I’ll get it. I’m the strongest here anyway.”

Benny raises an eyebrow. “What makes you the strongest?”

“I’m an angel of the Lord, Benny. Or have you forgotten, like you forgot that threes are lucky?”

“When I played it was always sixes, and you have fading powers. I’m a fully intact vampire, sweetheart.”

Dean pulls the jar out from under the hot stream of water and gives it another go. Unlike threes or sixes or whatever card it is, he’s not so lucky. Cas takes it out of his prying grip.

“Even at only half power, I’m still stronger than you,” he says, and with a quick flick of his wrist, the jar is open. He hands both pieces back to Dean.

“I loosened it,” Dean mumbles, pouting like the child he knows he is.

“You really think you’re stronger than me?” Benny has a shit-eating grin on his face and a challenge in his eyes and Dean laughs under his breath, remembering the last time Benny got into one of these moods.

(It had been a matter of who could last longest in bed. The three of them spent nearly an entire week having sex and while it was an incredible week and he had some of the best orgasms of his life over that bet, he was walking pretty funny for a while after. Also, he lost.)

Cas gracefully takes his seat at the table again and picks up his cards. “No, Benny, I know I’m stronger than you.”

Dean can practically hear the words in his head before Benny says them: “Are you willing to put that to the test?”

Cas smiles at him, somewhere between innocent and instagative. “I have nothing to prove, but why not?”

So, it became A Thing. Every chance they got, both Cas and Benny did their best to show off their strength. It started off with modest displays of hubris--picking up furniture while vacuuming, carrying every single grocery bag after a shopping trip to feed three grown men and an angel who still eats PB&J’s, nonchalantly using entire bookcases instead of dumbbells to workout with.

Both Sam and Dean sat down on their backs (and not Dean on one of them and Sam on the other, both Sam and Dean sat down on Cas and then they both sat down on Benny) and watched in amazement as they pumped out one, two, three hundred pushups. Eventually Sam got bored and Dean got hungry, so Benny and Cas went to the garage to heave motorcycles onto their shoulders and do squats for an hour.

It was all very stupid. They were acting like middle schoolers trying to impress a popular girl in the most annoying way possible, except they’re not even trying to impress anyone but themselves. Mostly, Dean just rolled his eyes at them, until they began taking it to new levels.

Like when Baby got a flat tire and Cas lifted a corner of the car for Dean to replace it with the spare instead of just letting him use the jack--which wouldn’t be a big deal, but Dean gets worried about his car being in the hands of anyone but him. Or when they were out on a hunt and encountered a larger pack of nachzehrer than they expected--they turned tail and ran off and Benny threw Dean over his shoulder before sprinting away.

Or like now. All Dean wanted was some regular goddamn sex, and the two of them are throwing him back and forth like a rag doll. Benny held him bridal style and did a handful of bicep curls like it was nothing. Cas took him back and lifted Dean’s body straight up for some overhead presses. Benny complained that Dean isn’t even that heavy and they should go out to the woods and see who can pull a tree right out of the ground.

“Enough!” Dean finally shouts, his boner dead and his mood thrown out the window. “I’m sick of this, put me down.”

Cas gives him a confused look, but sets him back on his feet. They’re all about half naked, caught in the middle of stripping each other and mouthing at necks when Benny and Cas took the opportunity to show off.

“Cher?” Benny tries, reaching out just a little.

Dean slaps his hand away. “This is going to stop right now. Look, it was kind of cute when it started, but now I’m just pissed off. I’d like to have sex without the two of you getting into a damn competition about who’s strongest. You’re both strong! Good for you! But which one of you is strong enough to let this go and fuck me instead?”

Benny and Cas look at each other, guilt covering their faces. They both mumble out quiet apologies. Despite being able to literally bench press that Thunderbird in the garage, they both look incredibly small standing before Dean.

“Oh. I can’t really believe that worked, I just pulled that out of my ass,” Dean admits, chuckling awkwardly. It pulls smiles from the two men in front of him. Feeling a little more confident, he stands taller and says, “Now take off your damn clothes before I take care of myself in the shower.”

[jeichanhaka]

The Robbed That Smiles

Chapter Two

“Is this really necessary?”

Loki watched quietly as the professed female version of himself grimaced at the seidr suppressing cuffs around her wrists before turning her sea-green gaze to the Avenger closest to her. Since being captured by him and Strange, the woman had been brought to the closest Avengers building - a holding facility owned and designed by Stark to deal with possible hostiles - where she’d received a welcome filled with an unsurprising degree of suspicion. Her claim to be him from a parallel universe, along with the fact that she attempted theft of a highly dangerous, potentially powerful artifact didn’t exactly ingratiate herself with the heroes.

Nor with Loki, who had to deal with his brother and Stark threatening to lock him up since the two had initially thought the city wide illusion was one of his pranks. (Akin to the one he’d pulled on Banner the previous week.) It didn’t help that when his female doppelganger dispelled her illusion, she’d also dispelled his earlier fix to the Statue of Liberty. Thus making the idea he was behind the mess more plausible in the minds of the Midgardians and their government.

“Yes, it is. Especially if you are who you claim.” Stark replied, pressing some buttons on the array of computers in front of him. The displays depicted, as far as Loki could tell from the glimpses he stole, an analysis of pulse, respiration, brain activity and other vitals of the woman thief. Essentially it was a Midgardian ‘lie-detecting’ program, and Loki nearly rolled his eyes at the hubris that any version of himself would be flummoxed by such primitive technology. Not even Asgardian-level lie-detectors worked on him.

“I am who I claim to be. Lokki, master of mischief.” The female sat back in the interrogation seat, exuding an air of indifference and boredom. Combined with her physical similarities to Loki - longish black hair pulled behind her back, fair complexion and defined cheekbones; piercing eyes that shifted between green and blue - left little doubt that she was connected to the mischief god. Whether she was another universe’s version of Loki or a Jotunn relative of his trying to trick them remained to be seen. “Whether you believe me or not…is moot.”

“Really? Why is that?” Natasha asked, sitting on a chair in front of Lokki. The two women stared at each other, the former with a mirthless smirk and the latter with a frown although there was a glimmer of amusement in the mischief goddess’ eyes that Loki suspected only he noticed. At the very least, Natasha said nothing about it. “Because you think we’ll let you go? Or because you’re lying and just don’t want to admit it kills you that we know it?”

An abrupt laugh was Lokki’s answer, the amusement in her eyes spreading to the rest of her face. Its effect was two-fold - making the mischief goddess lose all calculated indifference and causing Natasha to scowl.

“You find that funny?” The assassin-turned-Avenger leaned in closer to Lokki, cold anger in her eyes. Like the other Avengers, she’d been close enough to the City of New York to witness the illusion of it being destroyed, and it put her in a less than tolerant mood. Despite it having been dispelled quickly, she was, as were the other Avengers, completely gobsmacked by how suddenly it happened. It drove home how unprepared they were.

“No.” Said Lokki, a smile still on her face, although more subdued as was the glimmer in her eyes. Natasha’s scowl deepened, scrutinizing the other, though the next one to speak was Banner who was glaring at Lokki.

“I suppose this is all a joke to you, same as the illusion of the city being destroyed.” Banner growled, thinking about the prank Loki had played on him a week prior. The mischief god had created a similar illusion, albeit on a smaller scale, and then proceeded in trying to convince the scientist that the ‘green guy’ had done it. That prank had nearly driven Banner to first run away in remorse and then to almost kill the god when Loki revealed it was an illusion.

“No.” Lokki tensed hearing the scientist, having been unaware of his presence as he’d only recently entered the room and had wordlessly sat to the side. From his vantage point, Loki smirked at his doppelganger’s reaction to Banner, privately relishing that the female version of himself had a similar wariness of the ‘green guy.’ His amusement stemming from bruised pride for falling for the city-wide illusion. It morphed into intrigued as Loki realized it wasn’t fear of Banner that Lokki’s eyes reflected. It was something else.

“Really?”

“I...I did not mean any harm by it. I only wanted to secure a means home.”

“A means home? How would casting an illusion of mass destruction and stealing a book get you home?” The scientist asked and stepped in front of the thief, while Natasha wordlessly backed off having realized, as had Stark and Loki, that Lokki was more responsive to Banner. Unlike the mischief god, the Avengers both assumed it was fear induced.

Loki stepped closer to the interrogation, his gaze locked on his doppelganger and the emotion in her sea-green eyes. It was fear, but wasn’t fear of the scientist. The female version of himself seemed wholly unafraid of any of them - even when Stark threatened to imprison her in a volcano while she was being brought to the facility. (Lokki had flippantly boasted at being able to escape easily and had even tried. Strange, in response, had dropped her into another dimension, letting her fall endlessly until they arrived at the holding facility.)

“Well?” Banner crossed his arms, watching the professed goddess of mischief carefully, his vocal tone angry.

It was at that moment Loki saw it, the hurt in the other’s eyes. Lasting for only a fraction of a second, he nonetheless saw it. And from that he quickly realized the emotion he read in his doppelganger’s eyes. With Natasha it’d been nostalgia. With Banner, worry and then hurt, as though his anger being directed at her was unexpected. Like it cut into her.

“Are you….” Loki approached until he was just feet away from the interrogation, his brain lit by curiosity and arrogance. “The Avengers exist in your universe too, don’t they?”

“Loki, what are you....”

“...or they did.” Loki amended upon reading the look Lokki gave him at his interjection. Despondence. His own eyes gleamed in a mix of amazement and bewilderment, and he ignored the others protests at his interruption. “What happened to them?”

“Lok…” Stark started to reprimand the mischief maker, only to stop abruptly, his gaze drawn towards the computer readouts of Lokki’s vitals. What had been mostly even-keel throughout the questioning had shifted drastically at the mischief god’s inquiry. His eyes widened, and he looked at their captive.

Her fair cheeks were much paler, and her eyes colder and more piercing, with a hint of blood-red in the sea-hued irises. And the look on her face - it was fury. Fury and pain, and more fury. All of which was directed at Loki.

‘Damn.’ Stark muttered under his breath, feeling his heart thumping in his chest and his palms run cold as his body’s natural fight or flight response kicked in.‘Note to self. Do not piss off the lady frost giant.’

Lokki seethed, standing up and glaring at her male counterpart. Her milky skin shifted into azure with raised markings, though a few shades lighter than his own Jotunn form, noted Loki. He also noticed how the seidr cuffs around the other’s wrists slowly iced over, the material cracking under the frigid temperature of Jotunn skin.

“...fuck.” Gasped Stark, as something started beeping from his computerized vitals scanner. Something that caused him to shout a warning at Natasha and Banner while typing something into the computer.

Loki didn’t even have to peek at the computer screen to realize what had alarmed the Midgardian. He felt it. The cold. And in that moment he remembered something Odin had mentioned in one of his tales of the Jotunn-Asgard war.

-“Frost giants can reach body temperatures cold enough to freeze an enemy through on contact. The females can reach even colder temperatures. Enough to freeze a star, some legends say.”-

“...those cuffs were designed to withstand extremely low temperatures. Right?” Natasha asked Stark, while she backed away, not wanting but preparing for a fight. As did Banner. Seconds later a force-field hummed to life in a circle around Lokki, having been initiated by Stark when he first noticed the dangerously low temperatures around the Jotunn thief.

“Not this low.” Stark replied, the seidr cuffs in question visually cracking as he spoke, all but ready to shatter within seconds. That wasn’t what was worrisome - after dealing with Loki and his antics for the past few years they knew how to deal with his abilities. Including those from his frost giant heritage. Thus combating a doppelganger of the mischief god wouldn’t be too difficult.

Unless her frost giant body temperature got much lower or if the effect it was having on the air temperature around her spread beyond the force-field. None of their fighting skills and such would matter if they were frozen solid before reaching her.

“All right.” Stark glanced at the vitals display, exhaling in relief when the temperature read started stabilizing. It still fell but at a much slower rate, assumingly reaching their captive’s lowest sustainable temperature. “Now, if you’d....”

“Calm down?” Lokki muttered and approached the boundary edge of the force-field, stopping just short of touching it. There she stood regally with her head tilted to the side and her Jotunn body on full display. Not a stitch of clothing, real or seidr formed, covered her icy blue skin while the shattered remains of the seidr suppressing cuffs lay at her feet. A mischievous smirk tugging at her otherwise inexpressive lips, the goddess leered at the Avengers. “I am calm. Are you?”

“Uh….” Stark glanced over the Jotunn female, merely raising an eyebrow at the nude alien, while Banner turned away and Natasha rolled her eyes. Across the room, Loki gawked at his doppelganger, speechless and feeling strangely violated. “Sorry, but I left my adventurous youth behind years ago and am now in a committed relationshi....” Quipped Stark, before falling silent as Lokki transformed back into her Asgardian form, still without a shred of clothing. His eyes uninhibitedly roamed over her body, a habit from his philandering days.

The mischievous goddess smiled at the Midgardian, pulling back her onyx-black hair and adjusting her stance to allow an unfettered view of...everything. Her sea-hued eyes laughed silently as the overhead lights obliterated any obscuring shadows, allowing Stark full view of her fair-complexioned, smooth skinned Asgardian-form. “Like what you see?”

“What the bloody fucking hell?!?!” Loki reacted first, attempting to cast his own seidr spell to clothe his doppelganger, but failing as the force-field prevented any magics from passing through it. He then proceeded to cast an illusion spell in front of the force-field, darkening the view of anything below his female self’s shoulders. For extra precaution, he expanded it the full circumference of the force-field cage.

“Aw…” Lokki glanced at the illusionary barrier and audibly pouted, though her expression simply showed amusement. Similar to that given by Loki whenever he was caught in the midst of a pulling prank. “You’re no fun.”

“Fun…?” The mischief god, mouth agape, stared at his female doppelganger, unsure how to respond. Or even what disturbed him more - that it was a female version of himself standing unabashedly naked and flirting with the Avengers or that said female version seemed to view her solicitous behavior as he did his pranks.

“Now that that’s remedied,” Natasha stepped forward, muttering a ‘thanks’ to Loki while scowling at the goddess. “Let’s get back to interrogating this…”

“Hm?” Lokki narrowed her eyes at the red haired woman, daring the former assassin to finish her sentence. The two women glared coldly at each other, both observing the other, quietly judging and gauging what to say or not.

“...explain how you had a replacement statue already ready.” The room door suddenly slid open and through it stepped Thor talking to Strange, with Rogers closely behind. The trio had been sent to deal with smoothing out the illusion scare with the city government as well as figuring out a more permanent fix for the Loki-statue fiasco.

“That is unimportant.” Strange countered. “We should focus on what this new Lokki’s arrival means and if she has anything to do with the Infin….” He abruptly fell silent as his gaze shifted from Thor towards the others already in the room. Glancing over the force-field around Lokki and the seidr illusion obscuring the view of everything below the Jotunn’s shoulders, Strange frowned, his brow knit in curiosity. He hardly had to glance at Stark or the others to deduce what had happened.

“We’ll get to that, but why did you already….” Thor said, oblivious to the surgeon-turned-sorcerer’s shift in focus. At least until he glanced a second time at the scene greeting them. He’d done so when he’d first entered, but it was so quick his brain hardly registered what he saw. Once he did, he gaped, eyes widened, his eyes shifting between the cage and his fellow Avengers. “What in the…”

“...world?” Standing beside the Asgardian, Rogers quickly averted his gaze from the force-field cage once he realized the female Lokki was sans clothing. Embarrassed even with the seidr screen blocking out all but the thief’s head, shoulders, and feet. “Why is she….”

Strange ignored Rogers and Thor, instead walking further into the room, barely fazed by the situation. As he approached, he noted the broken seidr cuffs on the floor by Lokki’s feet and cocked an eyebrow. “Seems your interrogation isn’t going as smoothly as you boasted it would.” The sorcerer said, addressing Stark and referencing a claim the smug inventor had made earlier.

“On the contrary.” Stark shook his head, denying Strange’s observation. “Things went so smoothly that I offered Miss Frosty here a break to get more comfortable. The lady decided to go Au Naturel.”

“Really?” Strange asked, not for a moment believing the smug man. Natasha and Banner both rolled their eyes at Stark’s claim, while both Lokis gave a similar sardonic leer at the genius inventor. “What have you learned then? Aside from…” The sorcerer glanced at the broken seidr cuffs and then the vitals display, eyes narrowing at the temperature read. “...our friend being able to reach much lower temperatures than….” He glanced again at the cage, focusing on the flooring. Seconds later he grumbled and shook his head.

“Stra….”

“...Than these floors were made to endure.” Strange continued, the next second teleporting away before his fellow Avengers could react or question what he meant. As though in answer to their unspoken inquiries, Lokki vanished - or rather the seidr formed illusion she’d cast of herself after her male-counterpart cast his censoring screen around the cage. So too did the floor, at least the part covering the person-wide hole that Lokki had shattered open using her frost magic.

“What the….”

“Did she actually…?”

“Yep.” Stark replied, his pride bruised by falling for the female Jotunn’s sleight of hand despite being prepared - after all he’d dealt with their universe’s Loki’s antics constantly for the past handful of years and thus uncovered much of the mischief god’s repertoire.

“We should go after her. Hopefully she didn’t get far.” Said Thor to his fellow Avengers, before addressing Loki, who just stared at the empty cage. “I’m surprised you didn’t catch onto her, brother.”

Loki didn’t respond immediately, and instead just watched the cage, his expression shifting from bewildered to fascinated to amused. His brother’s footsteps approaching him pulled him from his silent retrospection. “She...is good. Do you know how precisely she had to cast her spell after mine for me not to notice?”

Thor shook his head, while Stark muttered some off-the-cuff comment about Loki’s fascination with his female doppelganger. The mischief god bristled.

“You’re the one who couldn’t stop looking at her! Not to mention your flirting….” Loki cringed, remembering.

“She flirted. I just played along.”

“You…”

“What…?” Thor started to ask but stopped, not wanting to delve into what had occurred or why the female-doppelganger of his brother was naked. He especially didn’t want to hear anything about...well, that sort of thing. Especially not about someone who, if she was telling the truth, was essentially his sister, albeit adopted and from another universe. “Let’s just go find Lo...sister Lokki, before she causes trouble or casts another city wide illusion.”

“You know, calling them both ‘Loki’ will probably be confusing in the long run.” Banner interrupted, cutting off Stark who seemed about to make a quip about Thor calling the female Jotunn ‘sister Lokki.’ “We should probably find a solution after we find her though.”

“After.” Thor agreed, while Stark shrugged and stalked off to scan the city for any possible sightings of the female Jotunn. “Brother, let’s….”

“I’m going to stay here.” Loki said, stepping towards the computer screens that had depicted his doppelganger’s vitals. The moment her illusion spell dropped inside the force-field, the computer screen too had changed, as though it had also been magicked by Lokki. Something the frost giantess probably did the second after she broke through the floor. “It’s better if you’re only looking for one of me.” The mischief god explained after sensing Banner and Stark glaring at him.

“Fine.” Stark muttered, while Banner indicated he was also staying behind - partly to watch Loki, but mostly because he likely was unnecessary. Although Lokki was an unevaluated threat, she hadn’t caused any actual damage (aside from a few bookshelves), thus the ‘green guy’ wasn’t likely needed. “Banner, you know what to do if he tries anything.”

Rolling his eyes at the Midgardian, Loki slid onto a chair and picked up what the Midgardians called an e-reader from a nearby table. (After figuring out that a decent book could entertain the mischief god away from pranks, at least for a while, the Avengers had gotten an e-reader for Loki as a Christmas gift one year.) Leaning back in the chair, Loki scrolled through the selection of books available on the e-reader, seemingly uninterested in his brother or the Midgardians.

The moment everyone but Banner left the room, Loki glanced up from the tablet. His lips twitched, pulling into a grin he attempted to subdue, lest the scientist caught on. His gaze swiftly returned to the e-reader screen when he heard Banner move. He remained reading for a while, until he noticed Banner heading toward another computer - the same one Stark had started up to scan the city for Lokki.

Once Banner wasn’t facing him, Loki pressed a few keys on the computer closest to him. The same one Stark had used to boot-up the force-field. He, however, now powered it down.

Banner immediately noticed and stood up. “Loki, what the hell are you up to?”

“Clever. She is clever.” Loki muttered, ignoring Banner and instead approached the space where the force-field was. He heard Banner repeat his question, voice a bit more irritated, but aside from tensing slightly, he ignored it again. Seconds later, Loki smirked and cast his seidr over the area closest to the broken floor, having caught sight of something.

“I’m warning you, Loki. What…”

“...the fuck!” Growled Loki’s female doppelganger, having suddenly reappeared on the floor beside the broken seidr cuffs. A heavy scowl marred her face as she glowered at the mischief god. “You son of a….”

“Hey!” Loki scowled at his doppelganger.

“...bastard.” Lokki finished, pushing herself to her feet; her form fully clothed thanks to Loki’s spell. One that she decided not to try and dispel. “Ruining a perfectly good escape. Tchk. Clever bastard.”

“What the hell is going on?!?” Banner exclaimed, eyes darting from one Loki to the other.

“Simple. Selfie here didn’t escape through the hole. She transformed herself into a tiny arthropod and hid in the remains of the seidr cuffs.” Loki explained, crossing his arms and looking smugly at his doppelganger. “Pretty clever. Except you shouldn’t have transformed into a Silver-Hair Basilisk, noticed you right away.”

“Basilisk?” Muttered Banner, wondering if he heard the mischief god right.

“It’s a type of spider. Native to Asgard and Jotunheim. Its venom is able to petrify insects and small mammals.” Lokki replied before her male counterpart, her own arms crossed and jaw pulled taut. “They have been known to make it to other realms, brought along by inattentive travelers of the Bifrost.”

Loki shook his head. “Not to Midgard. Not since the Jotunn Invasion and not in this climate - too close to the ocean.”

Opening her mouth to refute her male-counterpart, Lokki clammed up and grimaced, realizing her mistake. The Silver Hair spider quickly died if exposed to salt water or salty air. New York City was much too close to the ocean for the arthropod to survive, thus her choice to transform into one was as obvious as strapping a neon sign to herself.

“Yeah, yeah. You got me. Now what?” Lokki muttered, frowning. “Going to call back the calvary? Show off your clever deduction and capture and all that?”

Loki thought a moment, before shrugging and shaking his head. “No. Let’s let them look around some. It’ll simply make it more hilarious when they return.” He turned towards Banner. “Unless Jolly Green Giant here wants to tattletale?”

Banner glowered at Loki, ready to call Stark and the others simply to annoy the mischief god. His determination faltered when he glanced at the female Lokki and saw her pouting at him. Her sea-hued eyes wide and oblique, her bottom lip protruding in an over-the-top frown, Lokki seemed both comical and childlike, and so different than the sarcastic mischief god.

“Please? Just for a little while. Pwetty pwease?” Lokki purred, gazing up at Banner, having lain back down on the floor when she started to beseech the scientist.

“What the flying fuck?!” Loki gawked at his doppelganger, unsure whether he was more uncomfortable seeing this display or seeing his female double flirting with Stark. Banner, to his credit, just rolled his eyes and facepalmed, taking Lokki’s pouting no more seriously than Stark had her flirting.

Noticing this, Lokki sat up straight and stopped pouting. Sighing, she shrugged. “I’ll answer some questions for you, if you want. Or, I guess I could just go back to flirting with Tony. Hm, that might be fun...You can go call him back now.”

“No. Please. No.” Loki, wide-eyed, shook his head. A similar expression was on Banner’s face.

“All right.” Banner replied, muttering to himself before addressing Lokki. “So long as you answer a few questions, and do so truthfully, I’ll give you an hour before I call the others back.”

“Deal. Where to start?” Lokki asked, sitting down on the closest chair, which was the same one she’d been seated on earlier. Before she got furious and shifted into her Jotunn form. She made sure though, to move the chair just outside the force-field’s boundary.

“For starters, are….”

“Why did you get mad when I asked about the Avengers of your universe?” Loki interrupted, scrutinizing his doppelganger, whose severe reaction to his questions earlier had made him cautious but hadn’t quelled his curiosity. He peered at her, not afraid but readying one of his knives out of sight as a precaution.

If the female Jotunn was him from another universe, just female rather than male, he understood how she would fight. And though she may have fiercer frost magic than him as a consequence of her sex, he hadn’t failed to notice how thoroughly she avoided actual combat, instead focusing solely on illusion magic.

“Loki.” Banner warned the mischief god, his tone enough to get Loki to flinch on reflex before glaring back.

“What?” Snapped Loki, a sneer on his face that was more a mask than an actual reflection of enjoyment. “You’re curious yourself. You can’t say you’re not, not after witnessing Selfie’s reaction earlier. It was over-the-top, even for…” The bite of a knife at his throat quieted the mischief god, and he peered into a pair of eyes identical to his own. His lips twitched, his own knife pressed against his doppelganger’s abdomen.

“Oi. Come on you two.” Muttered Banner, reaching for his cell phone. His patience running thin, too thin to care about getting answers out of the female Jotunn before anyone else.

Lokki blanched, feeling Loki’s blade against her stomach - it was obvious she had expected her male doppelganger to copy her ‘knife against the throat’ move. Not go for the ‘less lethal’ abdomen shot. She stared into her double’s face, reading it as clearly as her own. The two of them remained quiet for a moment, communicating wordlessly.

“I said….” Banner growled, midway to dialing up Stark. His brow knit when the female Jotunn backed down first, removing her knife against Loki’s neck. It disappeared in a puff of smoke. The scientist’s eyes narrowed, perplexed, even more so when Lokki returned to her chair without much fuss. “...what?”

For his part, Loki sighed and stared at his doppelganger with a look on his face that for one of the rarest moments in his life, seemed contrite. Uncomfortable with himself. He kept his knife clasped in his hand though, now safely at his side. After a few heavy moments of silence, the mischief god opened his mouth to speak. “Look, I didn’t….”

“You want to know that badly?” Lokki spat, avoiding eye contact with both Banner and Loki, her arms folded defensively across her abdomen. “...they died. All of them. Along with most of Midgard and the rest of the Nine realms. Most of the whole fucking universe.” Her piercing, furious eyes glared up at Loki, while she reflexively shielded her abdomen, wary of the knife her doppelganger held. “Thanks to those fucking Infinity Stones.”

[juuls]

Got any stuckony recs?

YES! Absolutely yes!

My apologies this took until today. I had a busy weekend and had to rest a lot, but I’m here now. :) Also, I don’t have my old bookmarks list (long story) so I’m having to go through and look for my favorites, old and new. Long process! (This took me over four hours, though I was doing a few other things as well. Still, I’m a bit of a slowpoke.)

See below the cut for some of my favorites, and don’t forget to leave kudos and comments (even just an “I liked this!”) for the authors, to let them know their hard work is appreciated!

(If someone knows an author’s Tumblr handle, let me know or tag them so that I can edit this rec list and tag them appropriately!)

Equilateral by FestiveFerret @festiveferret

It was the way Steve had said, “I found him,” the desperate, agonized hope, that had Tony replying with, “Bring him home,” without any hesitation.

But now, now he was hesitating like fuck.

Penny Candy and Sparklers by StrivingArtist @striving-artist

James Buchanan Barnes: formerly the Winter Soldier, formerly Captain America’s right hand man, formerly a sergeant, formerly a dock worker, formerly Stevie’s best friend…. currently a glorified prisoner of Prince T’Challa…. had trouble wrapping his head around all those former selves. He spent too much time thinking about all the bits of him that he kept gluing back together to pretend he was a person anyone would want to keep. He spent even more time picking at the cracks, pointing the flaws out to himself. Only thing he did more than that was make sure no one else noticed how far he was from human.

So, James Buchanan Barnes, who didn’t know what to call himself, who didn’t know how to go forwards, agreed, and moved back into the tower where his best friend lived with a husband orphaned by the Winter Soldier.

Hide A Heart of War by RayShippouUchiha @rayshippouuchiha

“You’ve got war in your heart boy,” Howard sneers, “don’t ever try and pretend to be anything but what you are.”

Tony feels the familiar burn of a flower mark being etched into his skin but he doesn’t look, doesn’t try and check to see what it is. Instead he keeps his eyes on Howard and his hands cupped around his bleeding mouth and nose.

Of Spiders and Super-Soldiers by AuddieAussie (Juulna’s note: I come back and read this all the time when I need some family feels and a smile. :))

After the hell that was Ultron and the Sokovia Accords, Tony doesn’t blame the team for wanting nothing to do with him. To make up for past mistakes, Tony disappears into his lab and focuses on using his money and brains to provide the Avengers with more fancy tech than they’ll ever need. By doing this, he also doesn’t have to worry about Steve’s grim frown, Bucky’s hateful gaze, or everyone else’s cold annoyance.

For six long months, this formula worked, but then fate decided to be a Loki-like dick and Tony wasn’t sure how it happened, but in the span of one week, he’d somehow acquired a kid.

and you needed someone to show you the way by SailorChibi @tsuki-chibi

Tony knows what the team really thinks of him. It’s a delicate balance: they tolerate him because of his money and his toys, and he gets to stay on the team and fight with them. He’s okay with that. So long as he hides the fact that Steve’s and Bucky’s names are written on his skin in the most embarrassing act of one-sided love affection ever, everything will be fine.

It just figures that a fantastically stupid villain, a kidnapping plot and a video camera will bring Tony’s well-kept secret out into the open.

The Mechanic, The Soldier, and The Captain by AvocadoLove (Juulna’s note: this is sad)

HYDRA need a replacement for Zola’s genius, and they have years worth of experience breaking and brainwashing a good man into something they can control.

Beware of Super Soldiers And Their Enticing Laps by Confused_Emo

Tony’s eyes shifted back toward the remaining occupants of the room only to realise there was literally no space in the sitting area for him.

This apparently was the best time for Bucky to make suggestive gestures, as the soldier patted his thigh lasciviously, “Why don’t you come sit on my lap, plenty of space right here.”

Just Far Enough by TheSopherFly (Juulna’s note: please read the tags. This is triggering and sad and angsty but fucking phenomenally well done and one of my all-time favorites… And I don’t like angst at all.) 

Tony couldn’t honestly remember how long it had been like this. Probably since the day he’d called T’Challa and offered his help. At first it had just been compulsive self-denial: you can’t eat until you’ve drafted your opening remarks, until you’ve finished your research, until you’ve rewritten every last colon and comma and apostrophe in those Accords so that everyone can come home.

Those goals had been realistic. Lately, they’d become impossible. Until everyone forgives you. Until you forgive yourself. Until you make up for every bad thing you’ve ever caused.

He was fine. He was coasting in a dangerous place, but he was fine. He wasn’t taking it too far - just far enough.

Trinity by cinaea (immediately followed by pt. 2: Volition)

He’s become the kind of monster he all but died trying to stop.

A D/s, soul-bond AU set in modern day. More than two years ago, Bucky Barnes was lost during a Howling Commandos mission and captured by HYDRA. He and fellow prisoners Clint and Natasha—all submissives—are treated as slaves and forced to carry out terrorist attacks for their masters. An attack by the Avengers enables their escape but leaves Bucky with an incomplete soul bond to two superheroes.

Vowing to never be imprisoned again, Bucky and his friends go on the run from HYDRA, from law enforcement, and from the two dominants who will do anything to find him.

Don’t Tell Pepper by Crematosis

Tony convinces Steve that it is totally okay to include Bucky in their relationship because nobody will ever know. They’ll keep it a secret from the team and they’ll absolutely keep it a secret from Pepper because she’ll only yell at them.

Like most of Tony’s good ideas, it comes back to blow up in his face.

Underneath the Mistletoe by DreamcatchersDaughter @dreamcatchersdaughter

5 times Tony gets caught underneath the mistletoe and one time he doesn’t (and thank fuck for that).

and another like it by the same author:

Christmas Kisses (aka Sam is So Done With Your Shit)

Their mutual pining is driving him crazy, but its okay cause Natasha’s got a plan.

The Colors That Bind Us by yasminakohl @stuckonstoney

When Steve Rogers was six a boy saved him from a bully, then sky went from white-gray to brilliant blue.

When Bucky fell, the world stayed colorful and everyone told him it was because of the serum, he believed them.

When he woke from the ice and he finds the black and white he’d expected years ago, sixty-six years ago it seems, he’s crushed.

Now there’s color again, this time it comes with amazing reds and golds.

Until he wakes up and his sky is brilliant and his color mate is trying to kill him, his first color mate.

Will Steve ever be able to have his blue, red and gold?

The Melting, the Spark, and the Suffocation by btBatt @batterology

“So, Bucky,” he said, clapping his hands. “You ready to change the lives of asthmatic little punks everywhere?” Bucky sent a skeptical look Steve’s way.

“It seems to be my calling in life,” he said. Steve just smiled. He looked a little like he was having a moment, one of his oh-my-God-I-have-Bucky-back moments, so Tony smiled too.

“There are worse things,” Tony mused.

“Hear, hear,” Natasha said.

The Limitations of Wax by RayShippouUchiha @rayshippouuchiha (Juulna’s note: This has been untouched for quite a while but there are separate WiPs being written and branched off of this – and completed – that are fantastic, and the core character study in this fic is fantastic so I still recommend it.)

Toni Stark grows up with the tale of Icarus swirling in the back of her mind. Instead of taking it as a precautionary tale about hubris and overreaching she decides it’s more about the limitations of wax.

Years later when she builds herself wings of her own she makes sure to build them out of better material.

Difficult Conversations by yumekuimono @yumekuimono

HYDRA had brainwashed their Asset into silence, and then muzzled him to boot. It’s not that surprising that Bucky no longer considers talking to be one of his strong suits. So why does he keep having to have difficult conversations?

Or, the road to loving Tony Stark is never an easy one. (Juulna’s note: Eventual/Pre-OT3)

Strip it Down by Batfink

“Think about who you’re talking to Bucky. I am the technology king. What you’re asking me to do goes against everything I hold dear.” Tony looked positively distraught.

Bucky slid his hand onto Tony’s cheek, tilting his head until their eyes met. “Crying, Tony. Over the fucking washing machine.”

Giving a Friend a Hand by neunundneunzig (seasidesunset)

Bucky gets Tony’s help dealing with… anatomy malfunctions, and it turns into much more.

Operation: Knuckleheads by FestiveFerret @festiveferret

Bucky is enjoying his new, post-Winter Soldier life at Avengers Tower, until he discovers that the constant tension between Steve and Tony was caused by a recent (and mysterious) breakup. Determined to make his friends happy, Bucky gives himself a new mission: figure out what went wrong, and get these two idiots in love back together again.

Compass Heading by antigrav_vector @disco-pinecone

So… It’s complicated. Steve went and got himself killed on a mission, and, somehow, in the aftermath, Tony ended up getting together with Barnes. He’s still not entirely sure how that happened, really, but he’s not about to question it too hard. He’s enjoying it too much.

Then, because the universe loves turning his life upside down, they find Steve. It’s been two years, and things have changed, but Tony still cares about the asshole, and that, right there, is a problem.

Too Damn Short by MrShyRockstar

“I’m too short for this shit.”

This literally sums up this little ficlet. Tony’s too short, Steve is clearly (to anyone with eyes *coughnottonycough*) pining, and Bucky is just watching everything with exasperated amusement. That is all.

Put Your Arms Around Me, Hold Me Tight by StarSpangledBucky

Tony and Bucky desperately need to sort out the kink in their relationship, before they both lose Steve, or one of them does. It isn’t until the second week Steve is away on a mission that Tony goes through a nightmare, and Bucky decides to comfort him. From there, it gives them a chance to talk. And by the time Steve comes back, he’s more than satisfied by the results.

Minefields by arianapeterson19 (Juulna’s note: Please heed the tags! Content is triggering for abusive relationships.)

Being in an abusive relationship was a bit like needing glasses. He didn’t realize it until the damage was done.

Funny how people assume only men can be abusive.

And a new fic by a new author I would like to recommend to people to read:

Lonely Boy by thereddame @the-red-dame

Tony gets a visit from a Tony from a different universe and she needs him to help keep her children safe until Girl-Tony can kick some HYDRA ass. She’s being pretty tight-lipped about the father but he’s got a sneaking suspicion it’s Steve. Hey, maybe he can get ‘best babysitter in the universe’ award after this? 

I’m sure since you are sending me an ask you know about my fics (though maybe not my oneshot), but I’ll list them anyway. ;)

Necrosis by Juulna

Necrosis (from the Greek νέκρωσις “death, the stage of dying, the act of killing” from νεκρός “dead”)

Tony always thought he’d die first, of the three of them. He’d accepted it, even. Hell, he wasn’t even sure that Steve or Bucky coulddie. Shows how much he knew.

Hanging From a Cross of Iron by Juulna

Toni Stark never - not even once - had a soulmark appear. Not one she can remember, at any rate. But when one finally appears, and the date of her rendezvous seems impossible to meet, does she decide to move on with her life, and forget the words written upon her skin?

Of course not. She’s Toni fucking Stark. Making the impossible possible is practically her family motto.

Well… there we go! I hope that that suffices for recommendations? If you want some more, I’m happy to provide them! Happy reading, and don’t forget:

Leave the authors your love in the form of a kudos and/or comment!

MUAH! xoxo

[bachmanitycapital]

a post in which i process my feelings about erlich bachman and talk a lot about LOST.

(warning for 4x10 spoilers and talk about drug use and suicide.)

i haven't watched the episode yet (or any of season 4...whoops), but i just read this article, and i'm just like...stunned? i'm really glad i spoiled myself for this, because the last time something like this happened to me was when I was really big into LOST and--

(i want to warn for spoilers, but you’re about 7 years too late)

--it was revealed that john locke had been dead since the beginning of s5.

another spoiler alert: i did not handle it well.

like, holy shit, i did not handle it at all. i had related SO MUCH to him--he was spiritual and intelligent--like me!--and stuck to his values--like me! it was nice to see someone like him--read: like ME!!!--overcome his disability and be useful, not only to the characters on the show, but, on a greater scale, the universe within the show's reality. well, at least he seemed useful, up until the point where we were told that he wasn't.

i realize, like, seven years later, that his usefulness was mostly born of self-delusion. at heart, he was an immature, stunted, dangerous caricature of toxic masculine entitlement. i can see how he resonated so deeply with my 22 y/o self, but luckily, i've moved past that point in my life. i've healed a lot of the hurts that made him so relatable, and now, like bootcut jeans and that one time i got really into new-age philosophy, i find him repulsive and my love of him deeply, deeply regretable.

fast forward to about a half-hour ago, when i pop into the s4 channel in our SV discord server read the aforementioned article.

and i'm sitting here like, that's not fair! why would you do that to him! he matters, why would you give him an end like that, why would you take away his agency like that, he deserves better, etc. etc. etc.

"oh my god, it's john locke all over again."

it's literally how i felt when they revealed in s5 that john locke had never confronted his own shadow and come out on the other side stronger and healed and better for it. that his universe had intended for him to fail, and that success was never really an option.

like locke, erlich is going to disappear into narrative obscurity. 

(sorry, LOST, but no amount of backpeddling is going to make john locke a "good guy." ...but that's neither here no there.)

it's heavily implied that erlich is going to self-destruct, or, at least, lose himself for a very long time.

erlich, like locke, was the product of hubris and the uncaring universe into which he was written. ultimately, they both make terrible choice after terrible choice, all leading to the moment where, instead of letting the universe take the wheel and drive the car off the cliff, they write themselves out of their own story.

locke tried to kill himself. (and, well, even that he doesn’t get right--the universe still fucks him.)

erlich is very likely going to drown his failure (and very poorly managed depression) in opiates.

the universe dealt them both a shit hand, but it's almost as though erlich himself reached over, slapped the universe's hand away from his own agency, and was like "i'll take it the rest of the way.” 

like the article i linked above said, all he ever wanted was to be remembered. to leave something of himself behind after he's gone. is this his way--like john--of finally taking control of things by giving up and letting go of that? by finally accepting that failure is inevitable--that the universe doesn't care whether we succeed or fail or slowly kill ourselves in a Chinese opium den?

jesus. what the hell happened to him?

erlich was such a source of light and charisma and weird, misguided love!

in season one, he's the one who tells richard that they're still going to find a way to win Tech Crunch, even if he has to jerk off every guy in the audience.

in season 2, erlich hustled right alongside richard, cutting deals and sacrificing his own income as an investor because he believed that much in pied piper.

failure was never, ever an option for erlich, because like saul goodman (ah, yes, another fave who ruins his own life. is anyone else sensing a pattern here?), he believed that if he couldn't find a way, you could be damn sure he'd make one.

but then season 3 happened. i don't need to go into how this season changed him--how discarded he felt when they moved offices, how ashamed he was that he squandered not only his, but bighead's money. that richard undervalued him, and even then, erlich still gave everything he had to save him and his company.

i haven't watched season 4. i don't know what happens to him between tne final moments of season 3 and his exit, but the idea that erlich could go from season 3 to his final scene in season 4 is...

fuck. yeah? i get it. i hate it, but i get it.

and fuck if i don't relate to that, in the same way i did to john locke as a pretentious little undergrad shithead drowning in toxic masculinity and dealing with feelings of "oh god, i fucked up. is this it? is this all there will ever be?"

erlich is so fucking relatable to me at this point in my life! i'm a mentally ill entrepreneur with a deeply hedonistic streak and a new get-rich-quick scheme every 3 months. i want attention ALL THE TIME and think pretty highly of myself, with, admittedly, very little to show for it.

i want people to remember me.

i'm spinning my wheels.

my impact on this world is, at best, negligable.

i can see myself becoming an addict.

just...fuck.

i wanted to believe that erlich could have his way--that he could be important. that he could matter. that people would love him and validate him and someday teach university classes about him--or, at least, the company he helped to build.

i want to think that there's an alternate dimension out there where erlich and richard finally escape the grim reality of the sitcom story cycle and make pied piper the best it could be.

i don't want to think about a reality in which someone i relate so deeply to could just give up like that, regardless of how understandable it is.

i guess that's the danger of processing your own identity by using fiction as a mirror--you have no say in the lives of these characters. you can't save them, and there's this terrible, irrational little part of you that worries, "but...that's me. is this all there is?"

it's just weird going through this again, already having gone through it with a character that i've so completely outgrown.

will that be how i feel about erlich in 5 years?

will my reaction to his metaphorical death he be just another mildly embarrassing footnote in my greater life?

on one hand, i'd like to give my present self more credit--i'm not erlich, and as much as i love him and relate to him, i know i've got a leg up on him. i'm not a character in a story written by cynics (well, not literally, at least). i'm not beholden to the story cycle, where everything returns to narrative stasis at the end of every week. my life isn't a story.

unlike erlich, i have people who love me.

(fucking ouch.)

like everyone else in the Real World, i'm just trying to make sense of the ultimately meaningless chaos as best as i can. as played-out as this may sound, i’m the head writer of my own story, while erlich is at the mercy of writing teams and acting contracts.

he is a reflection of reality, not reality itself.

but, on the other hand, god it still stings.

erlich was such a singular character for me--bright and bold and foolish and sad and heartbreakingly relatable. it was hard to see him fall so hard, but i hope--in the same way i hope for myself--that someday, he finds his way.

i'm going to miss him.

[channelnewswire-blog]

The conclusive, best New Zealand music of 2018

For the very first and last time, Henry Oliver offers his conclusive account of The Spinoff's finest New Zealand music of 2018. Read it and get mad.

Here it is, my 10 best albums and ten best songs, all from Aoteroa, all launched in 2018. The one rule: appearance on one list disqualifies that artist from appearing on the other list. Okay? Okay.ALBUMS 1.

Chelsea Jade-- Personal BestChelsea Jade has constantly cultivated an

air of secret-- a mix of art school obfuscation, an inconsistent release schedule, and her fierce self-reliance in a category that usually counts on deep-pocketed labels to pay for the revolving churchgoers of authors and manufacturers we have actually all pertained to consider required. However this year, her stream of consistently impressive singles and EPs finally coalesced into a launching album and it cleared the high bar of expectation she had actually generated. Personal Best is whatever a listener might want out of this brand-new type of pop music that is

n't that popular(someone I was speaking with recently called it 'unpop '). It's catchy but weird, integrating nods to the category's leading lights(Robyn, Carly Rae Jepsen, and so on)with production flourishes of ASMResque coughs, clicks and gasps. Just as the music is made with an eager ear for detail, the lyrics are alive with social nuance and microscopic minutes. They check out more like little essays than poems.(Personal Best makes me want to write all the words I hate to be used to explain music like'clever'and 'literate '.)And all of it is covered in this look and vibe that differs from anything else in 2018. It's simple to ignorethe degree of trouble Chelsea Jade has actually set for herself. The images, the videos, the dances, the live show, the Instagramming, the'individual brand name

'-- it's such a small target she's been able to strike. A few degrees off and it all looks fucking ludicrous. However Personal Best-- and everything surrounding it-- struck the bullseye.2. Avantdale Bowling Club-- Avantdale Bowling Club The day'Years Gone By'came out, I was connected immediately. It's my most-played New Zealand tune of the year on Spotify and it's 7 minutes long! Its accomplishment is type of extensive-- a single personrecounting their life, practically year-by-year in seven minutes while still holding to a

rhyme scheme and something near to a song-structure. Those in-depth moments of childhood, the discomforts of growing up, his moms and dads fucking up, him getting screwed up, him getting semi-famous and after that getting reduced, him growing up, getting married, having a child. Numerous months and lots of plays later, I still get goosebumps when I hear the lines"And now I watch his eyes viewing mine/ Viewing life on rewind, too magnificent to define in one line." If you know, you know.Like Personal Best, among the things that stay so outstanding about Avantdale Bowling Club is how tough it is to do this well. Envision being a rap artist and telling your partners something like, "You understand A Love Supreme!.?.!? I wish to make a record kinda like that but a rap record."It's preposterous. It

's like saying,"Yeah, I wish to make a film like Citizen Kane, however a superhero movie." Yet, in some way he

pulls it off once again andagain.' Pocket Lint ','F (r)iends ','Water Medley','Home'-- all are filled with elaborate rhymes that so empathetically explain a particular New Zealand life, covering inequality, imagination , property, relationship, fatherhood, hope, hopelessness.3. The Beths-- Future Me Dislikes Me Emo lyrics, pop-punk guitar sounds, 60s harmonies, power pop hooks-- this is the recordI didn't understandI needed (and even desired)in my life in 2018. Future Me Dislikes Me is guitar pop songwriting at it's best. There is no guitar-based album in 2018, anywhere, as catchy as this one. You may prefer the Mitski record or the 1975 record or the Courtney Barnett record or the Snail Mail record, however none is as catchy as this. Because it's not empty catchiness

-- the lyrics are truthful(in some cases a little cringy even) and amusing

."Our category is hooks," guitar player Jonathan Pearce informed us a month or so earlier. And sure, hooks aren't whatever, however they make you wish to press play and after that press it once again and once again and again.4. Marlon Williams-- Give Way for Love There's no voice like Marlon Williams'. Not here, not anywhere. I can listen to it for hours. His voice might soothe the world. It must soothe the world. I like a record so specifically about a break-up, although it's been a long time since I might connect to any of it in the smallest. I like'Love Is A Horrible Thing'. I love 'Nobody Gets What They Want Any longer'. I like'The Fire of Love'.5. Fanau Medical Spa-- Fanau Day Spa If you want an album that might just have actually been made here, could only have actually been made in 2018, Fanau Health club is it. Building on the partnership behind Coco Solid's COKES mixtape, Fanau Health spa is a

fluid combination of Coco

Solid, Queen Kapussi, Joe Kori, Big Fat Raro, Xamiishi, Manu, Brown Boy Magik, TH1R § T3EN and Yumgod. There's literally nothing else like it.6. Unknown Mortal Orchestra-- Sex and Food Unusual how just months after its release individuals seem to be sleeping on this album. I suggest, to be fair, I hadn't listened to it that much after seeing them play Whammy Bar in the middle of the year, however going through it now, there are a lot of tunes on this

album. I was going to consist of'A

God Called Hubris 'on my songs list because A. I like it; B. it seems like what The Mint Chicks might now if they were still a band, and C. I believed it 'd be funny to include a 41-second song on my songs list. That would not be reasonable to'Not in Love','Break Yourself ','Everybody Acts Crazy Nowadays'. Not to point out'Hunnybee 'which isn't my favourite song on the album but is an undeniable feel-good disco banger.7. Julien Dyne-- Teal This is a mind-bending, toe-tapping, knee-drumming bursting-through-the-speakers rhythm bomb of an

album. You simply give yourself to it and not your head a little out of time.( Likewise, includes among my favourite tunes of 2017,' Hours'with Ladi6.)8. October-- Ultra Red Take bombastic commercial beats, sugary pop production, Jesus and Mary Chain fuzz guitars, grind it up, put it out and you have October's Ultra Red. I've stated it elsewhere but goth is having a moment in a bunch of different locations(anybody else psyched about those This Mortal Coil reissues? )and it's just a matter of time up until somebody determine how to combine it with forward-thinking pop and find their way into teenager's minds worldwide. There's no reason why it could not be October in a year or so.9. P.H.F.-- I Hate Myself P.H.F.'s I Hate Myself resembles the degenerate twin of The Beth's Future Me Hates Me.

Liz Stokes may dislike herself in

the future, however Joe Locke is method ahead of her. Like Future Me, I Dislike Myself is a hook-laden power-pop-punk affair however shrouded in static. It's a bit Weezer, a bit Smashing Pumpkins, a bit all those late-00s"shitgaze"bands. So good!(Yells to twitter power user

@m_h_lumber who tweeted this to me a variety of times throughout the year.)10. Princess Chelsea-- The Loneliest Girl I never thought 2018 would be a huge year for the Lil'Chief visual. The scene that kinda reached its peak they year (s) when The Brunettes, The Ruby Suns, The Reduction Agents, but produced two high-quality albums this year(see listed below for the other). Princess Chelsea's The Loneliest Girl is full of wit and sincerity. TUNES 1. Church & AP-- 'Ready or Not'It may be recency bias, but fuck it. If not now, when? Live for today, amirite? I imply, I liked their Thorough Bread record a lot, however still wasn't prepared for this bona fide radio-friendly HIT. Song of the year? Why not? Provide me a reason not to!"Savignon blanc? I saw that shit and I provided it to ma. "2. Hans Pucket--'Fuck My Life'I composed what I need to

state about this song in our reader's study post. In short: this tune is a hit and in any other time, in any other media landscape, this would be on the charts. Still ... 3. Tiny Ruins--'Just How Much'"On a lilo reading your letter, "is probably my preferred opening line of a New Zealand song in 2018. What a scene! I like that this song subtly expands the Tiny Ruins sounds without taking too

far into the psych-lite territory it might have easily gotten to. I just desire to reside in this

world all the time. And I'm giving reward points for the bass solo of the year.4. JessB--'Set It Off 'Play this next time your phone is plugged in at a celebration. Play this to your kids. Play this all summertime with your vehicle windows down. One of the live highlights of the overly-polite music awards is one of the highlights of the whole damn year.5. Delaney

Davidson-- 'Shining Day'I love this plodding

dirge

of a tune. Co-written with SJD,'

Shining Day' is the favorable affirmation you have actually been waiting on. Whatever it is you desire to do-- do not wait. Today's the day. This day. This is your shining day. 6. Drax Task--'Got up Late'I used to hate Drax Task. Maybe I still do, I don't understand. One day, my pal and employer Duncan Greive asked,"have you heard the new Drax single?" Of course

I hadn't! Weren't they those Wellington music school

kids who did covers of radio hits? Why would I stay up to date with their output? Well, in some cases the stars simply align. And this is it. The very best business radio struck to come from these islands this year. By far. No question. This ought to beon the soundtrack of every Hollywood teen movie

for the next two years.7. SWIDT--'No Feelings In The Wild 'SWIDT goes dark! There've been some difficulties to the crown this year (see # 1 above)however up until somebody comes out with a full-length as excellent as Stoneyhunga, SWIDT is still the rap group to beat. And while this year's EP wasn't quite as excellent, it suffices to hold the area.8. Death and the Maiden--'Wisteria'Before the time of writing, the last time I

listened to this song was driving over the hillsnorth of Dunedin en route to Moeraki. It was raining, foggy as fuck, and there was nothing that sounded as perfect as this song. I can recommend the experience.9. Jonathan Bree--'You're So Cool'I mean, I don't understand exactly what to believe

about this. Is this extremely earnest or incredibly paradoxical? Too

earnest or too cold? Does it matter? It's just such a well-crafted tune-- financial yet expansive, rich production. And the look! The video! 10. Carb on Carbohydrate--' It's Been a Rough Year'It definitely has. (Seriously-- I didn't know I wished to ever hear second-wave emo once again up until I heard this record. It's so good though

. It goes to many places I, as a listener, am not constantly keen to go. I enjoy it for it. ) So much of the music mentioned above-- songs and/or albums by Chelsea Jade, Marlon Williams, The Beths, October and more-- was made with the assistance of NZ on Air. We thank them.