#god i should be doing personal projects but i am just collecting samples in my free time

[pybun]

what the managed democracy doesnt want you to see

[dream-meister-translations]

HARVEST FESTIVAL RICHE - VOICE COLLECTION

━

"Enjoying the food. That is the essential ingredient for a fruitful harvest festival. I must make it a banquet to remember."

"My face is tense…? You must be watching me very closely to have noticed that."

Please do not misunderstand. The only reason we can talk like this is because you are my partner in this project. Others cannot."

"I don't want to get my costume dirty."

"I want to get rid of the "me" who only admires his older brothers and become as good as them."

"It's hard to come up with good ideas when you're all alone. Thank god I have someone who will listen to me… You."

"As a gastronomy sommelier, I will do my best to make you proud."

"Finally I can tell you…No…Wait a moment…I'm so nervous, I'm having heart palpitations…"

"What do you think? We're getting pretty close, aren't we? It seems I'm getting accustomed to you."

"You really like to make my heart race, don't you? I wonder, will I ever get used to this feeling?"

"The harvest festival is about to begin. Let me guide you to an enchanting banquet of delicious wine and gourmet food."

"With this Harvest Festival's success, I have taken another step forward as a sommelier. With you by my side."

"This wine is for you. It's a fine wine that deepens with time…Just like the feelings I have for you."

"I'm no good at tricks and games, but I have something to tell you. Will you please listen to me?"

"I will not tolerate pranks."

"For a long time all I wanted was to stay away from you, but now I'd rather…"

"Why are you looking at me like that? You enjoy teasing me… You're a naughty girl, aren't you?"

"I'm still struggling to convey my feelings to you."

"We should really head back soon. It is regrettable, but I want to properly fulfill my responsibility as the organizer of the festival."

"The other day Cuit made walnut and cheese canapes. It was an exquisite dish."

"Kuchen made chocolates in the shape of skulls…"

"Since it is a harvest festival the menu is eccentric."

"Considering how much time we've been spending together, I may be becoming unknowingly influenced by you."

"Victor and I are in a similar line of work. I have a lot I could learn from him."

"I was up late preparing for the harvest festival and Victor warned me that it was bad for my skin. I have to admit, I didn't see it from that angle."

"Victor asked me to name a new cocktail, but I don't think I'm the right person for the job…It's a big responsibility."

"Typically, I have a policy of never mixing anything with wine, but my way of thinking has changed. This must be Victor's influence."

"Unthinkable, is it? Well, it is true, people do change."

"I must admit I am a woman-hating person, but now…No, nothing. I shall tell you at a later date."

"Walter says that there are poisonous plants that go well with wine. I will have to sample one next time."

"Walter listens to me a lot. He doesn't say anything. Ever. I think that helps."

"Walter is a man of few words, but he is trusted by Oscar for his reliable work."

"When I became the host of this banquet, he encouraged me, saying that I would make it even better."

"I'm shocked…I never thought I could be this close to you."

"You say we're not even that close? Well, this is more than I ever imagined…I'm not ready to be closer yet."

"If you ever feel overwhelmed, don't hesitate to rely on me. During a festival like this, many people will be going wild."

"Thanks to you, I feel like I've loosened up a bit."

"As the organizer, I thought it would be best to dress a little more modestly…Surprisingly the costume has been well received."

"I wanted my brothers to wear costumes too, but it's difficult in the kitchen…So I'll have to wait to see them in costumes some other time."

"Wearing so much white makes me nervous…What if I get a red wine stain or something…?"

"In that costume, I think you are so beautiful that you cannot help but attract the attention of everyone around you."

"I looked up how to make a pumpkin lantern in a book, so if you have any questions feel free to ask."

"Can you use my face as your model? That's fine…I'll use you as my model."

"Can't cut a pumpkin properly? Then hand me the knife. I'll help."

"You want to hold hands so we don't get separated…? No… I need to be more prepared."

"You don't want to leave yet? N-No there is no problem…My chest is just getting a little tight."

"I was thinking about spending next year's harvest festival with you like this…

"I found a bag of candy in my jacket pocket…When did this happen?"

"I'm sorry, I'm just trying to regain my composure."

"If you're the one I'm holding hands with, I have no problem doing so."

"I know this isn't my place…But I would appreciate it if you didn't hold hands with anyone else."

"Oh, was my hair messy? Thank you very much. I try to be careful, but…"

"Do you by chance touch other people's hair like this…? No, nevermind, it's nothing."

"You touch is gentle. I don't want to run away anymore."

"When you touch me…It feels so good…It's hard to remember who I used to be."

"I can't stand it, yet I can't seem to stay away."

"Can I…Um…Can I touch you? I swear I won't play a prank on you."

"Not only as a guild keeper, but also as a woman, you are very important to me."

"If you have something to say, please do speak clearly."

(gift like) "Thank you. You seem to have the makings of a sommelier."

(gift like) "You are really good at making people happy. I admire that about you."

(gift normal) "If you have a gift for my brother don't leave it with me…What? A gift for me? Sorry, I misunderstood."

(gift normal) "Is this a thank you for the wine tasting the other day?

(gift dislike) "Are you drunk? This choice of gift is rather unprecedented."

(gift dislike) "As a sommelier I really try not to be picky, but…I expect more from you.

"You understand that I am not good with women, so please leave me alone."

"Can you stop touching me soon? No, I mean…It's not that I don't want to…I just…"

━

RICHE : This outfit is not terrible. But the wine is a bit difficult to pour in it, how do you manage? VICTOR : You must have fun with these things! Why don't you try pouring the wine while pretending to cast a spell like a magician?

━

RICHE : The more I attempt to be confident, the more I withdraw…I knew my brothers would be better at this than me. WALTER : Don't hold onto your insecurities, Riche. Let 'em out. We're all on your side. Let's have a drink and get ourselves together.

━

RICHE : Normally, I'd stop drinking so much, but this time I really need it. CHELL : I know what you mean, Riche. You've got a lot of work to do tonight. Let's try all the wine!

━

VICTOR : Riche, you are both strong and honorable. RICHE : That is very kind of you to say, but I am not quite there yet.

[sinditia]

Tom Ford Private Blend Discovery Coffret - Review

In terms of scent and performance, I find that Tom Ford, especially the private blend collection, is much better than most other designer fragrances so I kind of understand why they're also 3-4x the price. But with how much Tom Ford charges for their juice, there's absolutely no way I was gonna commit to a full bottle without sampling it. Unfortunately, there's no Tom Ford counter in my country so I have to make do with decants and minis to try them out. I'm gonna put my thoughts on all six fragrances you get in this set under the cut.

White Suede

This smells like a shoe. But like, in a surprisingly good way. Well, it's probably subjective. I can see people not liking it because they don't wanna smell like a shoe, but I personally don't find it unpleasant. It's definitely an interesting scent but not exactly wearable. Like that gorgeous dress with the complicated straps that's just a tiny bit too slutty and over the top for any kind of occasion short of a red carpet event. Like I kinda wanna have it, but I know for a fact I won't reach for it much. And the way this scent is interesting is also interesting in the sense that it's not interesting because it's some kind of complex, layered blend of notes. It just smells like a shoe, literally. But it's interesting because it somehow smells really good, despite smelling exactly like a shoe.

Oud Wood

After much deliberation, I think I've decided that in terms of scent, this one is my favourite out of this whole set. The oud is deep, rich, smooth, and sweet in a dark-chocolate kind of way. I've tried a lot of oud at this point (mostly those sweet, western ouds, very few of those animalic ones) and this feels like the cleanest, simplest one. The other notes play a supporting role to the oud but none of them jump out at you. It feels like they're in the background enhancing the oud's beauty. The thing that kills me though, it's just such a goddamn fucking shame that out of the six, this is the one that performs the worst. The projection and longevity is about on par with any other old designer EDP with half the price. I love the scent of this one but by god, if I'm gonna be shilling out that Tom Ford coin, it's gotta be fucking perfect in every way. Maybe I should keep going with my oud exploration before I take the plunge on this one.

Neroli Portofino

The various citruses and white flowers in this makes it a very fresh and bright and clean scent, which would've been pleasant if it wasn't for an additional sharp note that leans very antiseptic-y. I'm not sure where that's coming from. Maybe the lavender. It ends up smelling like a really nice-smelling cleaning product. Like stepping foot in a restroom at a fancy hotel or expensive restaurant. Like it smells really good. But it also smells like a really clean bathroom. Not really something I want to pay Tom Ford prices for, even if the bottle is a really pretty colour.

Tuscan Leather

This is a very unmistakably leathery scent. It does not shy away from the leather, and there's also quite a lot of suede notes in there that really enhance that leathery quality. The raspberry is very faint, not something I'd notice if nobody pointed it out to me, but it's there if you look for it. It compliments the leather really well and doesn't take it in any kind of fruity direction. It smells rustic and antique, like you're in an old but well-maintained country cabin. You get the old musty wood of the furniture in the place, but also the leather equipment you might find lying around there. It's not like the refined, luxury leather of an expensive bag or pair of shoes. It's that really sturdy, excellent quality leather that's made for working the field or weathering nature. It's animalic in a clean sort of way, like it's in its pure, natural state instead of dirty and sweaty. Does any of this make sense or am I just romanticizing this scent? Because I really, really, really like it. Like the White Suede, it's not exactly day-to-day wearable either for me, but by golly it's so interesting and I love smelling it.

Rose Prick

The full-sized bottle for this one is so ugly with that garish pepto bismol colour so I already know I'm not gonna splurge on this one. Fortunately it's not a super amazing scent either so I'm not tempted. It's a pretty standard jammy rose formulation, deep, dark, semi-sweet with that patchouli, pepper, and turmeric giving it the tiniest bit of a bitter, spicy edge in the background that prevents it from being too cloying and dizzy. I like jammy rose scents, but jammy roses are a dime a dozen I reckon, and I prefer the ones with an oud base rather than patchouli.

Fucking Fabulous

Okay, I gotta admit, this is pretty fabulous. But is it fucking fabulous? Hmm, I'm not so sure. It's lovely, don't get me wrong. The longevity and projection is really great on me too despite being a creamy scent. It's a nice semi-sweet vanilla that's more on the fresh side than gourmand. I think that's the tonka bean lending it that bright, slightly grassy vibe to it. The leather emerges as the scent settles but it's not something that screams leather like Tuscan Leather. It just something that gives a solid, earthy support to the fresh notes up top. It's really beautiful. It's kinda like what I wish Rochas Moustache was like. Vanilla sweet with an oomph. It's too bad it doesn't come in Rochas prices. The thing with Tom Ford fragrances is, it always just comes down to whether it's worth the price. And unfortunately, for this one, despite how much I like it, it's a no from me dawg. It's still not unique or special enough. I feel like a lot of other perfumes, while not identical, evokes a similar sort of vibe.

--

check out my fragrantica account

[theholycovenantrpg]

CONGRATULATIONS, HINA! YOU’VE BEEN ACCEPTED FOR THE ROLE OF VIKTORIA.

Admin Cas: Hina, I cannot express how delighted we are that you’ve brought us our visionary, our architect, our Viktoria — at long last! You captured them perfectly: from their innate dissatisfaction, to their restless desire, to the inevitability shared between God’s four apocalyptic creations. I think your para sample was a real stand-out for me; you slotted Famine so effortlessly amongst the other Horsemen and you grasped the nature of the relationship between them all so perfectly that it really feels like you’ve been here with us from the start. Your application was such a treat to read, and I’m beyond excited to see what restlessness the two of you’ll unleash upon us! Please create and send in your account, review the information on our CHECKLIST, and follow everyone on the FOLLOW LIST. Welcome to the Holy Land!

OUT OF CHARACTER

Alias | Hina

Age | 24

Personal Pronouns | She/her

Activity Level |  6/10 - full-time student so activity level will fluctuate.

Timezone | GMT

Triggers | REMOVED.

How did you find the group?  | through the lsrpg tags

Current/Past RP Accounts | REMOVED.

IN CHARACTER

Character | Viktoria/Famine

What drew you to this character?

So, I have this personal rule where I don’t apply to roleplays that have already started because I get this intense feeling of FOMO, but I kept coming back to Viktoria and was genuinely so surprised that they hadn’t been taken yet. I feel like she was waiting for me to take them up haha.

But on a more serious note, the Horsemen fascinate me like no other faction in this roleplay. There’s something about the bond that they have that surpasses ties of family, love or even just emotion in general. They are bound by their own inevitability as a singular entity and together as a four. Yet, while the Four Horsemen are similar in a lot of ways, with their once shared purpose and existence, Viktoria’s innate dissatisfaction with everything aside from their own creations struck me as something unique that sets them apart from their brethren. If anything their ability to feed on that appetite that she craves has given them the ability to construct and build on a level that is almost, quite literally, God-like. It’s this and the fact that she was created first - not distinct from the other Horsemen because of this reason, they all were formed from a part of God Himself - but Viktoria’s presence, their sheer essence was present and mulling in souls for eons before God created Viktoria and then the rest followed in an instance. While the Horsemen are linked together and will follow each other for the rest of time, I want to explore these two aspects especially in this New World and how Famine’s very nature creates either a fracture between them all or binds them ever closer together.

What also really interests me is the path she taken in this plain, not just as a Mercenary of sorts, but the almost unconscious path she has taken in moulding those that possess that same aching hunger as them. I think for Viktoria this has filled the hole in them ever so slightly after leaving everything she created in Purgatory. But for Viktoria, as I touched on a little before, it’s this dissatisfaction that consistently comes into play which she also projects onto other people. I think if she sees potential in someone, especially if she sees something that matches their level that same restless desperation rises in them of seeking, finding and almost taming them to their own very high standards.

What future plots do you have in mind for the character?

I imagine Viktoria’s future plot lines to be largely based around several other characters in the roleplay, especially that of the other Horsemen, but there are several directions I can see Viktoria going in:

i. Today you are driving me from the land, and I will be hidden from your presence; I will be a restless wanderer on the earth - the Horsemen’s Purpose

What is really interesting is that one of things that bound the Four Horsemen together is their shared purpose in bringing about the Apocalypse. While their paths may have drifted while in Purgatory, I feel that Viktoria, and potentially the others too, would have relished in there not being a fracture of planes, but an even greater expanse which fulfilled all of their aspirations, an Apocalypse which changed the very fabric of Life itself.

But with that purpose being robbed from them and having been thrust into the mortal plane, not only does this reduce the power that they hold, but I would argue this weakens the bond that they have together. The occupation that they all currently hold, being killers for hire, is a much more solitary occupation than what they were first created for. I think that despite the fact that their planning and preparation is done together, there is a chance that as their personal desires and aims grow through connections with other characters in the roleplay (Viktoria’s specific circumstance I will touch on next), I can see a rift forming between the four of them if that is at all possible. Viktoria’s particular desire for power to create the world in their own image doesn’t trump the bond that she shares with the other Horsemen though. I can imagine that there is a tipping point where Viktoria has a number of paths that she can take for their own benefit, but ever the tactician she is, she would recognise that the power they have together can achieve so much more than splitting off on her own.

Building on the prior point, I also think with the way that the New Order was created, Viktoria imagines there to be another Apocalypse, she can feel the hunger, the aching starvation and the loss of control and I think its only a matter of time before the Horsemen capitalise on it if they don’t get sidetracked.

ii. I am coming quickly; hold fast what you have, so that no one will take your crown - Viktoria + Michael

The connection between Viktoria and Michael is something that I can see going further and absolutely shaking the New World in its entirety.

Viktoria from all of their time manipulating people’s emotions is very much aware of the need and desire that is clawing away at Michael, the fascination that Michael has when he looks upon her. Famine is unable to feel emotion in the same way, but I do think she is able to replicate and even imitate them based on eons of feeling and experiencing those of others around them. I think depending on how their relationship forms in the future, I could see an alliance struck between the two.

However, I think the above depends on other factors:

If the relationship between Michael and the other Arkangels dissolves completely, it could serve as an in for the Horsemen as a collective through Viktoria to go about fulfilling their preordained purpose (or a new one)

Alternatively, if the relationship between Michael and the other Arkangels dissolves completely AND the relationship between Viktoria and the other Horsemen dissolves as well, I can imagine Viktoria’s allegiances and desires turn towards the throne that Michael sits upon for the power it holds in order for her to form what she wants

iii) You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment - killer for hire

Something I want to explore as a plot point is Viktoria’s role as an assassin. As this is something that they and the other Horsemen do as a collective I can imagine them having devised a very clear dichotomy between the roles that each of them play when carrying out a job. Because of Viktoria’s role as a tactician, a creator, a diplomat, I can imagine them not wanting to sully their own hands with the act of taking someone else’s life, but I think also she sees it as beneath them so she somewhat relies on the expertise of the others to carry out the actually act of the job successfully.

As a result of this, I really want there to be an instance where Viktoria is forced or compelled to kill as I think this juxtaposes quite heavily with who she is and would be really interesting to see how it plays out.

iv) A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance - emotions

Throughout this app I’ve mentioned emotions, specifically how Viktoria does not have in. To expand and clarify this, I want to say that Famine doesn’t have any. Famine wasn’t created with the intention of feeling anything but an aching sense of hunger for the Apocalypse. I would even say the dissatisfied, restless emotion she experiences is something that has developed in them. I would like to think thought that since the New Order has been created causing Purgatory to fracture, the price in a way of taking up a mortal name, Viktoria, and almost reducing themselves to the level of a mortal woman has led to Viktoria experiencing their own emotions as well as manipulating other people’s. I think this would really complicate future events or perhaps Viktoria and the other Horsemen would recognise this and attempt to come up with a plan to speed up their agenda depending on the way these emotions were affecting them as a group.

Are you comfortable with killing off your character?

My short answer is yes I would be comfortable with killing off Viktoria.

Long answer that I think warrants some thought before she is killed off:

The death of one of the Horsemen is actually really interesting because in theory they should be dying/dead because they are an embodiment of God in some form. I think this is down to their inevitability and the inevitability of their purpose. So while I believe Viktoria or Ryuk or Nerissa or Dmitri can die I don’t think it’s possible to kill off Famine or Death or War or Conquest.

I think this is the reason why I would want there to be more consideration on the whys and hows if Viktoria is to die. Famine will remain, in the hunger, the starvation and the dissatisfaction that will take hold in others, or with Viktoria’s death something else to replace them will form and be Famine or even take its place.

The death of Viktoria will also change the dynamic of the Horsemen, of which their purpose of bringing about the Apocalypse will be lost, which would be interesting depending on the direction the roleplay goes in.

IN DEPTH

Driving Character Motivation

Right now I think Viktoria’s ultimate desire which also serves as a motivator is to vanquish this restless hunger that’s consuming them once and for all. I think since God created Viktoria and the rest of the Horsemen without a real motivator in mind, she’s found in the eons that she’s been living, the power of creation abates it the most because its only through Viktoria’s own work that she can truly feel the satisfaction that she craves. I think this dissatisfaction spills over in her view of other people which is she wants to mould those, especially those with potential to fit around their standards so she can feed off of it.

Ultimately, its because of the Horsemen’s collective lack of purpose that makes Viktoria motivated to seek out power not only to help their own agenda with potentially bringing about an Apocalypse this time round, but to seek out opportunities in which she can go further than she ever did with their creations in Purgatory with their brethren by their side. I think this will also define Viktoria as less of a person with a mortal’s name but as where she rightfully thinks she should be; Famine, the ever present hunger, starvation and ache that claws through those lesser.

Character Traits

+ Calm: One of the reasons why Viktoria makes a good diplomat and is the one that represents the Horsemen on the political stage is their ability to remain calm and collected and convey the Horsemen’s position and aspirations in a favourable light. She is someone that is easily admirable just as she is formidable. I would say it is because of their calm nature that sets her apart as a leader over the aggressive and war-hungry Nerissa. Viktoria is someone who also never angers easily, preferring to state a few words that have meaning or else say nothing at all and let her plans and actions do the talking.

+ Cunning: Viktoria’s ability to create and map out what she wants and where she wants it makes them impressive in itself, but coupled with their ability to formulate to their and their brethren’s advantage is a skill that is valued highly when plotting to their own agenda and also when carrying out their kills. Viktoria is a long-term strategist preferring to wait and consider their options before striking out with the best one.

+ Instinctive: Viktoria has eons to not only study the emotions of others, but actually feel them through the abilities she possesses. It’s because of this that she has become extremely emotionally aware and is able to more or less tell what sort of emotions are being drawn up in the other person. This has been insightful when it comes to plotting their next marks.

Restless: Viktoria is someone who wants results and she wants them immediately to the highest of standards. Any task that she feels she can do better themselves she’ll do it, but the idea of delegating to someone that isn’t of the same calibre as them irritates them. She has little, if any patience for incompetence. One of the few people she trusts is their fellow Horsemen. I think this restless, easily irritable nature, however, doesn’t win them any points amongst the other factions and especially not the other Horsemen who have to be the literal embodiment of perfection before a good word is uttered by Viktoria.

Manipulative: Every move Viktoria makes and every action that she takes isn’t without an ulterior motive that is there to benefit them or the Horsemen. Its because of this that most people know that Viktoria isn’t one to be trusted no matter how convincing their silver tongue can be.

Unemotional: While Viktoria is able to replicate or even mimic emotion, Viktoria possesses no emotion of their own. Perhaps its because of the way the God created them, with raw starvation and savageness in His mind, or spending many a century deep in the depths of Purgatory, she is unable to express may of the core emotions that others seem to have. Even with the other Horsemen, there’s something innate, almost a primal bond that binds Viktoria with them, perhaps the closest semblance to love she’ll ever be able to feel. Although this is something that I see changing with the length of time she is spending in the Mortal Realm.

In-Character Para Sample

i.

Famine turned to the sharp, jagged opening, their eyes steely and focused on their destination ahead. Their brethren beside them, with the same look of determination frozen onto their faces. Famine newly formed, newly arrived knew almost intrinsically that these three were instrumental to their success. Their joint success of bringing about the destruction of the Worlds that He had created, for where there was creation, there would be a a slow degradation that the Four were feeding off of long before their conception.

Famine looked upon the jagged piece of cut air, the friction lined with a sliver of gold a beacon that did not serve as their waiting room before they were unleashed upon God’s Earth. They stepped in together, a cold rage burning in the pit of their hollow stomach, as they stared at the bleak expanse of space full of the lingering tortured souls that had not managed to reach Heaven or Hell. It wasn’t as if Famine would have rather been amongst their Creator’s other subjects in either of the other two realms. The mere glimpse of Heaven and its blinding light was just as dull to them as its inhabitants. Famine could sense their brethren’s pursuit for other tasks as she moved forward with their own. What would she make of the expanse in front of them? What purpose did it serve if they were meant to lay here in wait for the downfall of everything that was holy, everything that was impure and everything in between? And what was she supposed to do here? Famine was no mere mortal and the place they were in was not Eden. She could not and would not pluck the metaphorical apple from the tree and take a bite to give them free will. No. Famine had a purpose, they all did. And so she would stay in the deepest of recesses of hunger, laying in want with a need to be fed and a desire of more from their very existence.

And so she wandered the realm’s depths, Famine, who was created from a starved piece of flesh, who was ordered to carry out the end of all of His creations and cast away along with their brothers and sister until the time was right did what she was told. Until she didn’t. With God’s gaze above, managing His unruly subjects, Famine chose to set themselves on their own path. Manifesting their dissatisfaction into something tangible into something that she could taste, something that she could feel. Famine had to barely reach out from the depths of their mind to weave together an image of their own design. She wondered as she crafted and composed the dilapidated pillars of their glass fortress one day whether it was the divinity in them that allowed them to formulate and construct the way that she did. But Famine need only have taken a step back and gazed upon their crooked kingdom to see that the power that she possessed was entirely their own.

ii.

Viktoria descended from, Albtraum, their gaunt skeletal steed, just outside of the building in which they knew their brethren sat waiting for their arrival. She caressed the curve of his starved face in what can only be described as affectionate if it was at all possible for them to feel such an emotion. Viktoria had taken to travelling to The Holy Hall on their creature, it was purely political after all. It was essential that the factions remembered the Horsemen’s status amongst them all, the last thing she wanted for them was their own place in the house of cards to topple, like Creator, like Created.

She walked up the steps to the dimly lit hall they were sat in, their gaze took them in, each a handful of chaos and each far too complacent with the New Order than she had liked. It was one thing following them out of their vision of Purgatory to the opaque opulence of this plain to then be reduced as a collective, as mere remnants of God’s corporeality. No. Viktoria wouldn’t let their descent go any further. She would feed Ryuk with as many decimations as he desired, she would work in Nerissa’s bloodlust and settle Dmitri’s whims in their plans if it meant that they would follow in their ascent. They only needed time and patience and resilience so she could work to mould and manipulate the upper echelons of government. They all knew better, as Viktoria did with them, to go against their unrivalled ability to formulate.

Viktoria nodded at each, in respect, before taking a seat at the table, waiting for one to speak with the burning questions that she knew they possessed.

“Michael, again?” Nerissa spoke an ever-present impatience permeating their voice.

Viktoria looked at them their eyes resigned at the picture that had been created almost involuntary, without their permission. She hated not having a choice. “Yes, it would seem we have landed on a treasure trove.”

“But it is a matter that solely concerns you, sister, not us.” Ryuk interjected, for the first time addressing the unspoken tensions that threw a spotlight on the friction between them all since they stepped out of the middling realm.

Dmitri, with as much solidarity as they possessed reached over, clasping their hand in their own. Viktoria smiled coldly at Ryuk, not before squeezing Dmitri’s hand in reassurance. She was calm; she was controlled.

“Surely, Death,” she emphasised, wanting to remind them all of their position that had been clouded by mortal names and mortal feelings. “You value the hold of your status than of a few mortal souls?”

There was silence. Viktoria knew they hesitated, they had been stripped of their purpose, they knew of nothing else.

“We must continue to play their game,” Dmitri spoke.

Viktoria nodded, a wave of satisfaction washing over the itch that she knew was pent up in them as well as in the others. “Until the time is right.” Because when time was right, Viktoria knew she would be Famine once again, the three Horsemen by their side looking over an endless sea of destruction and doom.

Extras

Not that great at graphics etc so will be thinking of headcanons as I write and develop Viktoria more!

[olivarryprompts]

Fanfic Friday #5

Welcome to Fanfic Friday! Each Friday I will post a new fanfic here and on A03. Enjoy x

Read/Save it on AO3 at https://archiveofourown.org/works/32197966

{crossover}

Ship: olivarry

Warnings: small amount of angst, swearing

Status: dating

Wc: 2,413

Once again, there were some sort of god-like presents threatening Central and Star city, hence it was up to everyone’s favorite superheroes, and their teams, to defeat the crisis and save the world.

I am said superhero, the fast one specifically. Oliver and I have been dating from around since I awoke from my coma. How did we get together? That’s a story for a different time. Oliver and I, throughout all of this, have been able to keep our relationship a secret. I know, huge shocker.

“Oliver, Cisco and Ray have made the tech, but it needs to be tested.”

“So,” he said, with his Oliver look, “Test it.”

“How are we supposed to test tech that should defeat Aliens without actual Aliens?”

“Kara.”

“Ollie! We can’t shoot at Kara.”

“You're so cute,” Oliver said, under his breath, “Sometimes I just want to cuddle you like a teddy bear, however out of character.”

I blushed deeply, “Stop it. We need to save the world.”

He leaned it, laying a careful kiss on my forehead, “And we will.”

“You’ve really helped on the ideas front,” I said, sarcastically.

“Let’s get the teams together and discuss what we know so far. We can think up our next moves.”

“Okay, yeah. I’ll get everyone to the hub.”

“Barry Allen do not speed m-”

I sped him to the hanger.

“I hate you,” he commented with an underlying smirk.

“I love you, too.”

I quickly sped everyone into the room before returning to Ollie’s side.

“Yes Barry?” Sara Lance, captain of the Waverider, said.

“Well, I-i,” I looked over at Oliver for help.

He whispered, “Thought as though we should call a team meeting.”

“Right, I thought we should call a team meeting to, to discuss, uh, um-”

He continued in a subdued voice, “what we know, our plan, and our next steps.”

“To discuss what we know about our big bad, what our plan is, and our next steps to ya know, save the world.”

“Are we meant to pretend we aren’t hearing the brooding man?” John Constantine, local warlock, said.

“I give up. Ollie, lead the team. You know what to do.”

“You tried,” he smiled, a little over fondly, “Right so, Nate, Iris what have we got on her?”

“Well, she seems to have no record of life until she popped up in our time and attacked Central city,” Nate explained.

“We wondered if there was a chance of her being from another Earth, and Cisco tracked her residual frequency from the attack, and the frequency matched one from this Earth.”

“So that leaves us nowhere, loves,” Constantine said, lighting a cigarette, which Sara promptly knocked out of his hand and stamped on.

“Well, not necessarily. We know that she just appeared which narrows down the search to anyone without a record, which is very few people,” Cisco explained.

“If we can just get a strand of her DNA, I could take a look into how to gain her powers and where they come from.”

“To get the ladies NDA we need to find her,” Mick grumbled.

“Thank you Mick,” Oliver said, rolling his eyes, “Dig, did Lyla get anything.”

“Argus satellites haven’t picked up anything. She said she’d call and let us know.”

Felicity entered, and Oliver raised an eyebrow at me.

“She told me to put her back,” I said lowly to Oliver.

“I-i told you not to PUT me.”

“She’s scary,” I defended further.

“Sorry I was not present, I mean I wasn’t here because I was well-that’s the point. I was hacking, obviously, that’s what I do, I hack, but you guys know that-”

“Felicity,” Ollie said, “The point.”

“Right. There was something on her arm, almost underneath her skin. I looked further into it and it seemed to be of a technological origin. I came back and instantly drew the “thing.” I think it might be some sort of microchip. After consulting Ray, I did some digging, and I came back with some interesting results,” she projected the images from her tablet, “This was a theoretical experiment planned in-you guessed it, Star City. it was, well, awful. It was talking about mutation and how technology had the power to change any and all humans for the better. It was called Project Mutant.

“Oh yes Felicity, I bring you, Mutant, our big bad.”

“Not your best work,” Caitlin commented.

“Offended,” Cisco replied with a grin. Oliver was clearly getting annoyed, so I touched his arm subtly. His demeanor began to soften.

“Right,” he cleared his throat, “Can we track this chip?”

“Well, yes and no. The chip is on a completely different server to any domain I’ve come across. I don’t even know what it is. It’s essentially in a different world. I’d need to get track of her personal server to begin the hack, which-”

“You obviously can’t do,” Ray said, “Can I see the server?”

Ray, Cisco, and Caitlin all looked at the server Felicity pulled up on her tablet.

“Does that look like a wave function to anyone else?” Cisco said.

“A what?” I said.

“Somehow, her DNA, it’s acting like a particle on the quantum level,” Caitlin further explained.

“So we need to treat her, in essence, as a quantum particle.”

“So that’s why everytime I try to hack into the database it moves. Why it acts like a domain I’ve never seen before.” Felicity said in some sort of revelation.

“So how do you track a particle?” Ray said, “You can’t, wave function collapses.”

“So we can’t track her in any way.”

“No, no we can. The art of quantum mechanics is tracking particles, that's the whole point.”

“So you “solve” quantum mechanics before this looney destroys a city. Hell no.”

“Right, moving on from the science, which I am sure you guys will figure out, let’s say we can track her and find her. If she’s like a particle then can’t she just pop in and out of anywhere at any time, ya know wave particle duality and all. Light goes so fast that it theoretically travels through time. “

“Oliver, are you in there? When did you learn quantum physics?” I said, shocked.

“Y-you pick up things here and there. That’s relevant anyway. How do we stop her.”

“Simple, what stops a particle?”

“Cold.” Caitlin said.

“So, we need to track her, build a weapon to slow her down on the sub-molecular level, and keep her in that state. Easy,” Ray summarized, looking defeated.

“Hold up, she came back to this time for a reason. She clearly has motive. If we know her motive, we can predict where she will attack next. She can’t just pop out of existence if she has a goal she needs to complete. She can go back to this time for a reason, out of all the times she could have existed,” Sara said, “She came back now. This timing, this place, it has to mean something to her. That could hold the key to stopping her.”

“You’re right,” Iris said, “She has a reason.”

“We could run some samples of history through Gideon to look for significance,” Nate suggested.

“There’s an idea,” Sara said.

“Right, looks like everyoens got work to do, let’s get this rolling.

I brought Oliver into flash time. He was stressed and uptight.

“Ollie?”

“Barry, what-what are you doing? They can all..”

“Flashtime, remember.”

“Why did you-”

“Sometimes you just need the world to stop for a moment. You know that better than anyone.”

He just wrapped his arms around me and kept me close.

“We’re going to win this. We’re going to be fine,” I told him.

He just hummed.

He leaned in for a kiss, which we both needed.

“Let’s do this,” Oliver said.

“Let’s.” I pulled away from him and smiled.

The fight was intense and it was Oliver and I left with the task of finishing her.

“Ollie, go, go please. I can do this, I’ll be able to.”

“It’s my bow that has the tech, no way in hell I leave you here.”

“Think Oliver! I am the only one fast enough to stop her.”

“Barry, don't. Don’t grab my bow and speed off. Please,” he was begging. Before I could think much more about what was on the line, I kissed Ollie, grabbed the arrow, and sped off towards her. With her caught off guard, I was able to plunge the arrow into her forearm. When I pulled the bow out, I saw that the world around me had changed.

Oliver’s POV

Just like that he vanished. First from my touch and then from this time. My bear, bazza, barry, just, gone. I ran at the spot where he’d disappeared from yelling, “BARRY! BARRY!”

“Oliver,” A voice said.

“H-he can’t be gone. I-i can’t do this, any of this, without him. Please I need him. GET HIM BACK!.”

I found myself slumped against a wall. I threw my bow across the room and chucked some arrows wherever I pleased. I waited a few moments before collecting my bow and getting on my motorbike. Tears threatened to fall. How could I lose the one person in the world that matters the most to me?

Once I arrived back at the hanger, I immediately went into the storage room. I grabbed my phone and unlocked it. My back screen was a picture of Barry cuddled into my chest. If anyone questioned it, I’d tell them I lost a dare to Barry and this was my forfeit. Obviously it was a huge lie as it was one of my favorite pictures of the two of us. His cute smirk is on show as well as his clingy nature. I missed his reassuring touches already. Angry, I threw some boxes around the place.

I instantly drew an arrow back at the tapping of someone's feet. Closer, closer, here. It was just Felicity.

“Hey,” She said in her sweet voice.

“Hey,” I said, monotone.

“We’re going to find Barry, wherever he is.”

“Don’t tell me that! Don’t tell me that when he could be anytime and anywhere,” I sneered through gritted teeth.

“Okay,” Felicity said in her felicity voice, “What is going on? Not keeping a level head is not helping Barry.”

“Felicity you don’t understand.”

“Then make me understand, Oliver.”

“It’s HARD TO KEEP A LEVEL HEAD WHEN IT'S THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE!”

“Love of your life?” she questioned.

“Yes, love of my fucking life.”

“You and-”

“Me and Barry.”

“How long?”

“Long. Year and a half.”

“W-who knows?”

“No one does.”

“Oliver, look at me. We will find Barry, okay? We have all the best minds working in here, and we will get him. You have got to stay calm, though. We need you Oliver, okay? Do it for Barry.”

“Alright,” I said, sucking in a deep breath.

We entered the main portion of the hangar again, “Anyone got any ideas?”

“Ray thinks he can hack her biochip now that she is no longer in quantum flux,” Caitlin reported.

“Would that tell us the time or just the place?” Iris, equally as worried, inquired.

“Just a locational ping.”

I racked my brain, “When was she experimented on?”

“Around May 2012 they started.”

“Where?” I questioned again.

“Floy Woods Hospital, Central City. It had closed down by then but-”

Cisco took over from Cait, “It looks like their electricity was still on around that time.”

“Ollie, mind catching the rest of us up to speed?” Sara asked.

“Whenever I’m in a stressful or panicking situation, my mind always rolls onto Lian Yu. If she was in a similar state, surely she was thinking about where her trauma began. Or, if not that, a place that made her feel safe, her apartment, family home, ect. I’m hoping it's the former because the latter means she could be there at any point in time.”

“Right.”

“I’ll take Oliver and whoever needs to come on the waverider to check out his hunch. Hopefully we will find him then.”

“Let’s go! He hasn’t got time to waste,” I yelled.

“The rest of us will stay here and keep looking for clues,” Kara said.

I shot my way through the security detail in the building before carefully scouting out the rest. Heat signature saw three people in a singular room, one atypically warm. Barry. I bust my way through the door, easily taking out the two other people. I quickly cut off the restraints and picked off the metahuman dampeners.

“Ollie,’” Barry said, weak.

“Come on Bazza, let’s get you home,’ glad to have him back in my arms.

“What about her?”

“Sara should have taken care of her by now. She’ll be on the waverider, in cuffs.”

“G-good.”

“What did she do to you?”

“S-s-some s-s-s-”

Barry collapsed into Oliver, and Oliver cradled him in his arms. He carefully made it up to the roof where the waverider awaited. Barry needed treatment quickly.

They told the team to meet them back at star labs asap. Barry could be treated best there. I stepped off the waverider and quickly ran through star labs, trying to get to the cortex where the medbay was. Caitlin was already there, waiting to treat Barry.

I walked out of the lab, unable to see Barry like that. He’s going to be fine, I told myself. I went into the speed lab. I found some balls, and I began throwing them up and pinning them against the back wall with arrows.

Barry’s POV

My eyes fluttered open. I felt outstandingly weak.

“O-oliver? Where’s Oliver?”

“I’ll go get him,” Caitlin said.

“Gave us a real scare there Bear,” Joe said, concerned, “How are you feeling?”

“Weak, but I-i’ll be alright.”

“We got her by the way,” Cisco chimed in, “Locked away in iron heights.”

“Nice.”

“Barry,” Ollie said, making his entrance known.

“O-ollie?”

“Right here,” he said in his low, sugary voice.

“Thought you left,” I whispered lowly.

“Never, darling,” he said, equally as quietly.

“I’ll give you two a minute,” Joe said, leaving. Cisco and Caitlin followed.

Oliver wrapped his arms around me, “You idiot. My idiot.”

“I’m here, right? Nothing happened.”

“But it could have.”

“Hey, look at me. I’m fine, Ollie. We’re fine.” I leaned in for a kiss. He happily obliged.

“I just thought I lost you.”

“I thought I lost you, too.”

“Love you,” he smiled.

“Love you more.”

He let it slide. Just this once.

[ragnaofazure]

Characters that were, or never were.

((Hello! This is a list of characters I have actually played on or off the site (like Discord), wanted to or considered quite strongly but never followed suit to do so or whatever.))

((It will all be under read more; this is a long post! If you are interested? Have fun discovering who was in any corner of my repertoire! The list should not be that extensive! I will reblog it if I added anyone new I could recall and forgot to initially should that happen. These are mostly in some form of chronological order with added notes about what their place is with me and more.))

Yu Narukami - (Persona 4)  

Additional note: (Have to biasedly put him first at the top and say how he was my true first muse here, lasted literal years. All my experience comes from him and his blog. He reached nearly 1k followers between both regular and not safe blogs, my true labor of love lost to me deciding to deactivate the blog. Some know me from him originally! You all know who you are!))

Sal (or “Syake”/”Syake-san”) - (Wadanohara and the Great Blue Sea)

Additional note: (My first attempt at a second character and his blog did kinda work for a while, getting a lot of interactions during the original Funamusea craze back in the day. First time playing a truly well evil character and learned lots. His blog eventually died down and faded, but it was an experience I haven’t forgotten.)

Nepgear - (Hyperdimension Neptunia)

Additional note: (A standalone blog attempt again, flopped hard due to how the fandom seemed to have it’s problems on the RP side as well as my own personal reservations (met some couple of awesome people there still around me today though!). One of the most ways to trash a character by a series that had a bit of an identity crisis in the writing department as the years went on. Still not over how hard they literally screwed this good girl over. Every single time.)

Iku Nagae - (Touhou Project)

Additional note: (Part of an incredibly failed multimuse project (that Nepgear was the face of and part of as well for that matter after her blog flopped) and she never got to really experience light of day. I had only the idea of how I wished to portray the character and I still do, but at the same time, I have no idea if it would have earned me the most interactions, admittedly. All due to how passive she is.)

Varus - (League of Legends)

Additional note: (Me having a thing for characters with tragic stories of loss? Are doomed as if fittingly to pay for their sins and as a cost for the tools to live and revenge? He spoke to me way before Ragna. I knew how I wanted to write him, give him flair given his character, which other Champions I wished for him to interact with soon... I had a much clearer idea. But ultimately, also part of the doomed multimuse blog that never took off.)

Goomy - (Pokémon)

Additional note: (No gijinka, only small, sticky bby that I debatably would never allow to evolve and, of course, could talk. Best Dragon type line to ever exist don’t even @ me okay. It’s just... cute. The anime really made it stick out and I loved it. I always also have loved essentially weaker characters and creatures a lot, thus... It resonated with me greatly and idea of how I was going to go about him (yes, had decided on male for it). Again, multimuse failed, so he went away with it.)

Karol Capel - (Tales of Vesperia)

Additional note: (Weak that could be truly strong when overcoming his fears, and that resonated with me given how I consider myself a coward in real life. I also have a thing also for playing characters everyone finds annoying to make them look better when they should not be as disliked too. And once more, multimuse, gone with it, never found a place to remotely discover if I would have also wanted to play him at large either too.)

Elphelt Valentine - (Guilty Gear)

Additional note: (I don’t need to say anything, most of you knew her enough! Blog flopped hard and I couldn’t find the activity I desired. Why I played her? Just... bubbly sweet girl that didn’t want to act on her capability to be deadly as a Gear and only wished for happiness, I liked all that sugar with that depth I tried to give her. As of recent times, Tumblr locked me out and I could not log back in. I sort of took it as a message as to why I maybe shouldn’t try with secondary blogs to a big degree.)

The Masochistic Admiral/Commander/Master(?)/Doctor(?) - (Kantai Collection-Azur Lane (Maybe even Fate and Arknights???) )

Additional note: (So this is a nameless original Admiral/Commander character by the artist known as “Yamamoto Arifred” (look up on danbooru tags under Kantai Collection alongside). I absolutely fell in love with this guy. How I wish it was possible to play him further then I did, I revisit the art work every so often and every day I recall why I liked him so, so much. He’s just beyond amusing, wacky, outright insane and nonsensical in many good shapes and forms. But he only wants one thing: All under him to succeed and become the best they can be under his very questionable yet effective command. I could go on and on but this is already long enough. Standalone blog, flopped due to lack of activity.)

Thief (”Touzoku”) Arthur - (Million Arthur series)

Additional note: (Super unknown series, super unknown plot, I only met all the characters via the available and uncared for fighting game... And her backstory plus design gave me so many ideas I wanted to play around with as a thief wielding a goddamn Excalibur. Of the first characters I said I wanted to play on impulse alone, but who would have cared? Where could she have fit? It was the bigger discouraging thoughts. I have some icons still... But as always, the hesitation from impulse in itself.)

Hassan of the Serenity - (Fate Prototype/Fragments - Grand Order)

Additional note: (Best Assassin, best girl, only Servant that has brought me to tears in this extensive series, for the love of anything holy let her be happy I swear to God, everything about her cuts me so deep, I can’t deal with it every time I think about it ...I’m calm. But really. She touched me so, so deep. I was normally indifferent for so many years about Fate until I stumbled upon the Prototype duology, and subsequently, the Fragments side. After learning her origins and more, her wishes... I can’t state it enough. I am passionate about this girl. She deserves the world. And I would have loved to give her the best if I got to write her.)

Peri - (Fire Emblem Fates - Heroes)

Additional note: (What everyone sees as an annoying, questionable character and way more, I see as yet another pick for me with great potential to try and develop to be liked more by many, for she is not completely disposeable. I had ideas and wanted to take her further while still having her not lose the tendencies she has, because that would be breaking and disregarding character, but sadly, Peri never as much as left my constant thoughts then trying to privately sample around for myself, would have loved to, though. Very.)

Sigurd - (Fate Grand Order)

Additional note: (Amazing design, amazing voice... Literal definition of: “Do it for her”, loves his partner despite their fate... Incredibly underrated man. He is simply the best and I was interested in finding footing to play him, as he deserves to be noticed more for just being... Simply amazing. There is not much more to say than that, he is cool and that is final. Don’t even fight me on these cold, hard facts.)

[spockandawe]

HEY THERE, you have me interested in The Untamed but I'm a little lost as to where to start, there's both a 50 episode normal version and a 20 episode special edition, which should I watch/start with? Also WHAT does your svsss tag stand for? I'm seeing "The Untamed" and "Chén Qíng Lìng" and "Mo Dao Zu Shi" and "Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation" thrown around as synonyms or related pieces of media, but nothing with svsss!

Sure thing!!

Okay, to start with, I’d definitely go with the 50-episode version. It’s a Lot, and there is some padding added to the story compared to the original book, but twenty episodes seems really, really short to do justice to the central plot 

(a quick skim of google tells me that the special edition leans harder into the original novel’s gayness, which the show has to be coy about, because china. i think there are expanded scenes featuring the two leads, which is awesome, because their acting is AMAZING, but that just means the plot scenes are even more compressed. I saw at least one person recommend that you not do the special edition unless you’ve consumed the story in at least one other more standard format already)

Also! Iirc, the show is available on youtube and netflix, among other platforms, though those two are wonderfully accessible. However, comma, I do hear from people fluent in chinese that the subtitles sometimes are inaccurate in unnecessary/unfortunate ways. From what I hear, viki has the best complete set of subtitles (I think there may be fansub projects in progress, but I am not at all in touch with those. I still haven’t watched the show myself).

And the general summary of my current webnovel fixation! There’s this webnovel author who goes by mxtx, who currently has three complete books out, which have all been translated into english. Then after I finished those, I started branching out into other authors and webnovels, though I’m not too deep into that end of the pool yet. I’ll break each book into a separate paragraph for clarity. 

Oh, and. Each of these books is explicitly gay, and set in ancient fantasy china, in a wuxia/xianxia setting, which I’m not too familiar with myself, but I believe it functions a lot like how authors will use ‘ancient fantasy europe’ as a playground where they don’t necessarily need to match up to established countries/cities/etc, but they expect readers to recognize certain conventions, like I’d be able to recognize a western author writing a basic feudal setting, or recognize witches and wizards, without them explaining the whole thing from the bottom up. Since I’m not familiar, it raised the difficulty level a little for me to get into the genre, but the webnovel translators tend to use footnotes and I picked up a lot as I went on.

(if you are interested in any of these, novelupdates.com is a good central resource collecting links to various fan translation projects)

So! Mxtx. Her earliest book is The Scum Villain’s Self-Saving System (SVSSS), which is also the shortest and most linear of her books. The general premise is that a guy who’s been hate-reading this (straight) stallion harem webnovel with a dark protagonist. He goes to bed, and wakes up in the novel, as the protagonist’s dickbag teacher, who is doomed to eventually die horribly. He wants to not die, and is also a decent human being, so the book follows the “original” novel derailing from its intended path, and accidentally getting super duper gay. This one is about to come out in donghua form, but I think that may be its first non-book adaption.

Her second book, which was adapted into The Untamed/Chen Qing Ling (CQL), is also known as The Grandmaster Of Demonic Cultivation/Mo Dao Zu Shi (MDZS), which really manages to be the hardest of her books to summarize. Wei Wuxian, the grandmaster of demonic cultivation, dies. Thirteen years later, he wakes up in someone else’s body. Most of the world would like him to stay dead, tbh, but he’s a good egg, and he and his old friend(????) go forth and solve a necromantic mystery together, and also there is romance-romance and ten million family feelings. This one gets nonlinear, with several extended flashback sequences, and the story STARTS at about the midway point of the plot. This has been adapted into an audio drama at least once, a manhua, a donghua, and now a live action show, so it goes by a million different names in its various formats.

Her third book, and the LONGEST, is Heaven Official’s Blessing/Tian Guan Ci Fu (TGCF), and oh my god, it’s so long, and I love it so, so much. This gets into high fantasy much  more than the other two, including the idea that as people develop their cultivation and powers, they may eventually achieve immortality and ascend to the heavens. The story follows Xie Lian who achieved immortality and ascended to heaven! And then fell. And then ascended! And fell again. Eight hundred years later, he ascends for the third time. He meets Hua Cheng, the ridiculously powerful ghost king, who most of the other immortals are terrified of. But Hua Cheng seems to like Xie Lian! And Xie Lian thinks Hua Cheng is a sweet boy! (hua cheng is a sweet boy, but only for xie lian). This also has extended flashback sequences, but is a more linear story than MDZS, I think. Also it made me cry, which, wow, rude. I love it so incredibly much. This also exists as a manhua, but I think it’s still being published? I haven’t read it yet.

NOW. Mxtx is working on a fourth book, but it’s not out in chinese yet, never mind english. But I needed More. I was getting some SVSSS vibes from this one other book, which, *wobbly hand motions*, but I am enjoying the hell out of this book purely for its own sake.

Meatbun is an author with other books that I haven’t read yet, but I am currently in the middle of The Husky And His White Cat Shizun/Er Ha He Ta De Bai Mo Shi Zun (Erha/2ha), which is at this moment being adapted to a live action tv show called Immortality. There are MANY warnings that go with this book, though the google docs translation files do a good job of placing warnings at the front of every document and in front of relevant chapters. The general premise! Mo Ran basically conquered the entire world, put down all resistance by force, and was a super powerful but Kinda Dumb emperor. As part of this, he took his old teacher, who he despised with a burning passion, prisoner, and abused him a Lot. The story starts as rebels try to mount an assault on his palace, and Mo Ran’s cousin gets impatient with how slowly things are moving and runs ahead of the group. He finds that (suicide warning:) Mo Ran has... taken poison, and is in the middle of dying. This doesn’t stick. He wakes up as a teenager, apparently having traveled back in time, and starts living through events again, with the knowledge of his past life. It took me a while to warm up to this story, but ohhhh my goodness, it’s so TASTY. The translation for this one is ongoing, and I am in AGONY waiting for further updates.

So those are the ones I’m currently into and mostly blogging about! I also read Dreamer In The Spring Boudoir, mostly because feynite wrote an SVSSS fic set in the universe of that novel, which was good in some ways, left me cold in others (and the original novel is straight, with a society with rigid gender roles, so making it super gay in the fic made the setting much more interesting to me). Meatbun has other writing, which I haven’t sampled yet, but I am definitely interested in doing that sometime soon. 

Sorry, I know this is a LOT, so if you have any other questions feel free to ask me!! I got into these mostly via being interested in the untamed, so I read them as 1) mdzs, 2) svsss, 3) tgcf, 4) erha, which was an order that worked well for me. But if someone was looking for a general order to read them in, independent of that, I might suggest 1) svsss, 2) mdzs, 3) tgcf, 4) erha. They’re all really good, and scratch different emotional itches, and each of them has at least a few characters who sucker-punch me RIGHT in the goddamn heart. They’ve been a HUGE help for me dealing with the restlessness and/or apathy of quarantine, so I’ve been evangelizing them to pretty much anyone who will listen to me, hahaha

[danvssomethingorother]

All The Progress That Lead to Me (sample)

Summary: Dean asks his dad something unexpected, for the notes on cloning. Rusty is hesitant to give them to his son but complies.

I have been wasting a lot of time on my successful Rusty AU just cause its really relaxing for me to write for some reason but I do have three other VB one shots I’m also working on. So like here’s a sample.  An unedited one but ya know, I try.

---

“Cloning?” his dad asked glancing over his shoulder seeing Pete and Billy looking just as nervous behind his shoulder, “That’s illegal Dean, I’m afraid I don’t---”

“Please cut the crap,” Dean hissed at his father making the three older men share quick glances at each other once more from their respective sides of the lab, “I just have to know ok? I already know I am a clone, so just cut the…you know…and let me have you and grandpa’s notes.”

“I don’t see the harm in giving them to him, Rust,” Pete mumbled rising from his spot at the computer and placing his hand on his father’s shoulder who had yet to react to response. His dad just nodded, swatting his friend away and gently putting his hand on Dean’s shoulder and leading up to the penthouse.

They passed by Hank and Brock lounging across the couch and Brock gave his dad an odd look and Dean caught his dad mouth to him ‘its time’ and Brock glared hard at him but didn’t try to stop him as he lead him into his bedroom.

“Cloning is still very illegal,” his dad began walking into his large walk in closet and popping open a step ladder, so he could reach the top, “These notes don’t leave this area. They don’t go to your school and if you want to play god, I will make you a personal lab somewhere, but you don’t do it at school and this damn well better not be your final project.”

“It’s not,” Dean grumbled testily but sighed, “I just need to know where we came from.”

His dad paused a moment, just standing on the step ladder staring at the boxes at the top of his closet but not really seeing them. He just kept pushing the same one back and forth as if trying to decide if it was the right boxes, if this was the right call.  

“I never wanted it to be this way, Dean,” his father whispered finally stepping down from the ladder finally with the box, “I always hoped I would be long gone by the time you stumbled on this like I had.”

“Why so I could just clone you?”

“God no,” his dad chuckled humorously, “Just…this is sensitive material. It can hurt you if you aren’t careful.”

He sat the two boxes next to where Dean sat on the bed and gently placed a kiss on his forehead and whispered he was sorry it had to turn out this way before turning to leave.

“I need to get back to the lab before White lets Billy play with the cocking gun again,” he said trying to play this off like it wasn’t eating him away inside, but Dean could see the pain clearly on his face.

“Just be careful Dean,” his father begged of him before shutting his bedroom door to give Dean some privacy.

Dean just stared at the boxes, not sure if he wanted to open it now. It was like looking at Pandora’s Box itself, he was about to unleash chaos onto the Venture family, but he needed to know why. Why did they do what they did.

He scooted closer to the boxes and was just about the one closest to him (that he noted was sealed tight and had a ‘I think you need to know the truth, Rusty’ note taped to it) when he heard a knock at the door, he hesitantly got up and opened it to reveal Brock’s stoic face.

“Hey,” Brock mumbled clearly not knowing what to say, “Yer dad tell you were a…”

“Clone?” Dean offered just staring at the body guard.

“Yeah, that…”

“No, Ben told me two years ago and his robot told me Dad was a clone too last night.”

That seemed like news to Brock and he did a quick glance over his shoulder but noticing no one was there, he said nothing. He was going to have a talk with his dad later it seemed.

“I just need to know why,” Dean said finally, “Why did they think this was the best option?”

“I can’t say much for your grandpa since I didn’t know him,” Brock said with a shrug gently touching Dean’s shoulder and leading him back to his father’s bed where he sat him down, “But I know why yer dad did it. He loved you and Hank and he just wanted you alive. He couldn’t stop the crazy shit from happening and even I couldn’t stop half of it, but there was always Plan B that guaranteed you would come back and well I think it drove your father insane.”

“Then why did he keep doing it,” Dean sneered, peeling the tape off the box he assumed had personal notes from his grandfather, the man who started this all.  

“Just listen to the tapes,” Brock sighed drawing his attention away from the box he had been opening and opening the second box and pulling out a stack of cassettes that were lined up neatly in what looked like a clear shoe box and had a post it note on them that read ‘please burn these, Brock’.  

“Have you listened to them?” he asked just staring at the tapes in his hand.

“I did,” Brock said uneasily just staring at them as well, “Yer dad had complied them through the years hoping one day you and your brother would listen to them to understand his reasoning on the cloning business…”

“Why did he want you to burn them then?” Dean asked angrily pulling the note off the box and practically shoving it in his body guard’s face.

“They aren’t happy tapes,” was all Brock said before he turned towards the box that Dean hadn’t opened yet and dug through it a little, finding a stack of cassette tapes inside along with stacks of research, all concealed behind beige folders with large red ‘classified’ stamps across them, he held the large stack of folders easily in his large hands and began skimming through the top one, flipping the papers and dropping a picture of Dean’s father as a small child from it.

Dean picked it up hesitantly and just stared at his dad’s haunted expression, his eyes were down cast and Dean noticed there were faint bruises on his father’s neck. He flipped the picture over and noticed red ink on the back that wrote out ‘Test Subject One: Thaddeus S. Venture, five years old, no adverse side effects yet.’

He set the picture aside not wanting to see his dad so young and vulnerable but Brock easily picked the picture up, glaring at it a moment before putting it back in the folder and shutting it once more.

“My dad never told you he was a clone?” Dean asked watching Brock’s face harden flipping through one of the folders.

“No and he isn’t exactly the same as you according to these papers,” Brock grumbled, “I don’t know if you should look through it, I don’t think your dad even read all this shit.”

“I want to know where we came from,” Dean replied curtly yanking the box back from his body guard who didn’t fight him but was giving him a warning stare.

“I think you are playing with fire going through all this by yourself so soon,” Brock told him gently grabbing his chin and making Dean look him in the eyes, “Cloning is illegal for a reason. I saw what it did to yer dad. I don’t think it’s the right time for you to start messing with this crap.”

“I’m not gonna make my own cloning farm,” Dean spat out, “I would never do something like that. I wouldn’t want to do this to someone else…”

“Yer dad brought you back cause you died,” Brock cut in firmly, “Your grandfather seemed to have hand grown his own son. You are both alive because of this research. What it did was bring three Ventures to life I have to take care of, but it took a lot from the men who dabbled in this shit.”  

“So you’re saying I should just be grateful and to not look into where I came from?” Dean sneered his body guard’s way.

“No, I am saying you are going to be reading about every one of your deaths, you are going to be listening to yer dad becoming jaded and learning who your grandfather really was and what he did to yer dad. Are you ready for that Dean?”

Dean gulped but nodded. He didn’t care what it did to him, he just wanted to know the truth. No more side stepping it, no more kid gloves, just the full truth of what lead their family to this point. Why cloning a dead person was the best possible choice. He wanted to know if he really was Dean Venture, if his dad really was Rusty Venture, where did they come from and what they should expect side effect wise in the future.

“You want to do this alone?” Brock asked taking a heavy sigh.

“I don’t want anyone here to change my mind,” he admitted staring uneasily at the pile of tapes collected before him, “I just ask for a tape player to listen to these. I want to go at my own pace.”

Brock nodded and dug in his dad’s closet, with the expert ease of someone who had spent a lot of time fetching things for his father. Dean sometimes had to wonder if his father and body guard were a little more than just employee and employer, but it really wasn’t his place to ask.

Brock pulled out a shoe box and opened it, Dean saw stacks of pictures in it that Brock easily pushed to the side before pulling out a tape recorder. He sat the show box on the dresser before handing the tape recorder to Dean wordlessly and left the room.

He just stood there glancing at the boxes and then awkwardly staring at the door. Was this the right thing to do?

(this is literally where I have left off at RIP me, I just keep writing more of my other AU but I wanna finish this too sometime)

[ngohyuhao]

25/02/2019 IP Project Log

In today’s session at 9am we had an interesting lecture from guest lecturer,  Prof. Jenny Balfour-Paul who gave a presentation about her experiences and relationship with the colors blue and indigo. I thought it was really interesting as when I first thought about the theme “Blue” I only thought about it on the surface not really deep about what the color means in modern society. 

I learnt that the color blue in painting was a difficult color to create decades ago that one could only attain the color paint in precious stones like the Lapis Lazuli and the indigo plant. It was an eye opening presentation as it gave me a deeper meaning to the color blue. After learning that even in the prehistoric paintings the color was never used as it nobody had figured out how to create it yet. In a way it makes me feel like the color blue is something sacred and I have learnt to respect it. 

She also went through the different symbolism's of the color blue  like how in certain western cultures the color blue was associated with nobility whilst in other cultures such as in america during a period of slavery the slaves would don indigo cloth. And how in India the color was seen in their belief of the God Krishna which symbolizes divinity. It was really interesting and eye opening to see how the color blue had different levels of significance across cultures. Something which I had never really thought about. 

Finally, another part of the presentation which inspired me was the part where she explained about the sacredness of blue marbles which she related to the documentary series Blue Planet which I am very found of. She described and said that if you were to look at the marble from your palm that’s what the earth would look like from outer space which I found humbling as I begun to realize how small we really are. 

In all the presentation really gave me a sense of what others in other disciplines are doing and are researching about and gave me a new sense of appreciation for crafts such as pottery, painting and textile making. 

At the 1130am session, we kicked off with a discussion and a short presentation by everyone about what the theme blue meant to each of us. It was interesting to hear what everyone from different disciplines perspective from the theme meant. Some of my fellow group mates relate to blue as a feeling of confusion whilst others felt like blue was emotional and sad. Another group member mentioned that blue reminded her of the sky and that the sky symbolizes dreams for her. All of which I thought were very interesting and valid points which I can take into consideration moving forward with the project.

To me initially, I related the theme blue to the music genre blues music. I feel like the history of the blues which ties to the period of slavery in America gave me a depressing version of blue which I always envisioned to be a dark midnight blue tint which gave me a depressing and gloomy feel.

After our first sharing session, our facilitating lecturer, Andy Chia gave some comments and suggested we do a second sharing session in which instead of looking at the concept as a product we would share what we thought about the concept and how the color blue relates to us in our personal life. This brought about some interesting questions such as Andy asking one of my group mates why they brought a blue bag today or why they wore a pair of blue jeans today. I thought this questions were thought provoking and very interesting as there must be a reason why we are attracted to this particular color. 

Another one of my group mates also believed in the sacredness of the blue color and actually owns a crystal collection, for her the color blue was something related to spirituality which I thought was really interesting.

The second session was more thought provoking and I thought about it even deeper. In the end I shared that I felt that I use the color blue everyday in a musical sense. As a Pop musician a lot of genres came from the blues or use elements of the blues in that sense I use it in my everyday practice. I also went even further to discuss that if I wanted something more emotive or with a lot of emotions put in to it I would play in a blue’s manner without the piece actually having to be in a blues style as I feel it is one of the most emotive way one can compose a piece of music. I also shared that I mostly wrote instrumental music and how it can be hard to come up with a title for a song without lyrics. Explaining how I came up with the name for my ballad piece “Ice Cold” I explained that the imagery I had when I was coming up with the title for the song was a dark midnight blue as the color gave me emotional vibes.

Overall, the session really gave me a new insight and mindset into how we tackle questions like these as an artist, I learnt that we should not just scratch the surface and rush to the end product but start first with asking some personal questions and what the theme means to us. Moving forward to the next couple of days, my group will be discussing the concept we will be doing for the project. For now we intend to have an experiential exhibition concept in which people who visit will be able to interact with the installation. I would be making a sound track for this exhibit. Some initial ideas I am having right now would be to sample some sounds from the ocean and sky of which both elements were discussed in both the morning presentation and the group discussion. The idea is to create the piece based on what the color blue might sound like in the form of a piece of music. 

[braindamageforbeginners]

A New Doctor

Cycle 9, Day 10

So, I now have at least a half-dozen physicians on my case. If you believe the BMJ stat that “medical misadvenure” (which is a broad category that includes, but is not limited to, doctor error, nursing error, pharmacy screw-ups, misdiagnosis, accidental overdose/drug interactions, opportunistic infections - the list goes on) is the third-leading cause of death in America (according to the same study, heart disease is #1 and cancer is #2). So, for those for those of you setting odds on my life expectancy (and, frankly, I’d be disappointed if you didn’t), it’s been an odd, extended game of “Clue,” except I’m Mr. Body, to see if disease, side-effects, or my possibly-insane physicians will get to me first. I hate to say it, but I think I’ve finally figured the odds-on favorite in this one: my GP.

This isn’t a plea for help, or even a serious medical development on my part, it’s a warning for you, the readership, as insurance enrollment comes around. First of all, if you can’t pay, hospitals or physicians can throw you out on the street (this is something able-bodied people are so disbelieving of that took a poor black woman freezing to death on-camera in Baltimore). They are only required to treat you if you in an emergency situation, thanks to some federal laws called “EMTALA.”If you have a disease that drives you to the emergency room, the prognosis gets worse. People tend believe that just because it’s the healthcare industry, the health insurance industry isn’t a corrosive force that has a vested interest in denying care and killing you. Which is odd to me; you don’t get this anywhere else (or I haven’t experienced this sort of self-delusional attitude); you don’t see people defending McDonald’s or Nabisco or RJ Reynolds or Exxon as having their best interests at heart (and, to my friends who think they’re bullet-proof because of their health insurance, read the fine print, very, very carefully; you don’t want to get a nasty shock as you’re being rolled into the OR). So, thanks to my parent’s generosity/desire not to see me die, I rolled in last year with a very expensive PPO (there are a lot of acronyms to keep track of, but PPOs allow the patient to see anyone in a preferred provider network, which tend to be large and give the patient lots of choices, so you can directly get a referral to a neurologist if you hit your head). Unfortunately, because I have pre-existing conditions (and to my bullet-proof friends, read through the list of pre-existing conditions that’ll disqualify you, your jaw will drop)(also, it’s telling that Congressmen and Senators have the option to buy into a separate, federal employee health insurance option that’s not available to us serfs)(it’s also telling that the ACA required Congresscritters, for the first time ever, to tough it out and find health insurance like their constituents)(which is why I assume all the GOP higher-ups had melt-downs over the ACA - a slight removal of privilege to help sick constituents isn’t a part of Congressional ethos, let alone job description), my premiums went from “expensive” to “leasing a sports car” within a few months. I’m extraordinarily grateful to them for providing that financial backing, because it allowed me to continue getting treatment during the crucial 6-10 week GBM post-diagnosis period that might turn this from “Guaranteed doom” to “far too close for comfort.” So, this did give me some time to do my homework (in writing about this, I’m realizing I really should consider applying to law school, because I’ll know more about medical and insurance law and ethics than some lawyers before this is up)(Hell, I probably know more than some of them right now). Anyway, I found that all the specialists I see for cancer, do take medicaid (even the specialized pharmacy I use at the cancer center). Which is good for me, especially since being on disability in California is an automatic qualification for Medicaid. Now for the bad news; although all the specialists there take medicaid, the GPs don’t. AND the specialists only take medicaid if it’s done through an HMO carrier that the state sub-contracts with.

Great Kraken’s Balls.

There are a number of documentaries and documents (including an “Adam Ruins Everything” segment) on why HMO’s are unnecessary and lethally incompetent (like many other aspects of a for-profit medical system), but here’s the most basic deal: They act as a gate-keeper for the entire medical-industrial system. You can get your care at any of a dozen pre-approved hospitals, and nowhere else. Now, if an HMO or their doctors can’t treat you (or refuse to treat you - which is still the case for a lot of GBM patients), they are required to send you to a specialist who can. The economic incentive is to give less care, and keep all the patients in the system for as long as possible.

I suspect that delaying tactic is why heart disease and cancer are considered so deadly - you can’t sit long on either of those.

So, based on the financial folks at the cancer center, I picked one, and promptly forgot about it; because I’m already in the system there (the receptionists and pharmacy staff recognize me on sight)(which is comforting, until you realize it’s a cancer center, and then the panic briefly cuts in until you remember you’ve gone eight months without regowth or metastastis). I only remembered it when I got a call from the medicaid HMO telling me I should schedule an appointment with one of their physicians. This isn’t a big deal, I just need them to sign-off on any further black magic-based treatments with the Warlocks or Radiation Oncologist.

Now, before I go further, let’s talk about the people who go into medicine. Like anything in healthcare, we tend to give assume that an entire industry is moral, and just; when people go in for a variety reasons (as recently as 20 years ago, the vast majority of medical students said it was for money), and it’s worth noting that cuts across a vast majority of demographics and motives. And, for better or worse, that cuts across vast swathes of competence - for far too many folks, it’s a job - a rewarding job, but just a job. My father recently inquired about board exams and recertification as a way of guaranteeing some basic level of competence from everyone. He’s right, but the key word there is “basic.” Again, “basic” is fine for first aid and most major medical issues; it’s unacceptable if you have a disease with a 90% fiver-year mortality rate.

I bring this up because I think I chronicled my first appointment with my insurance-appointed GP five or six weeks ago and seemed perfectly satisfactory to my ongoing addiction to experimental chemotherapy. I’m certain it was within that time frame, because I had schedule a six-week follow-up. Which, sadly lands on my “week off” chemo. So, yesterday, after infusion #2 for this cycle (for those of you wondering what I’m doing to stay busy during infusions these days, well, rewriting Christmas carols for cancer patients)(”On the first day of chemo, the nurses gave to me, zofran in an IV”). I also convinced dear old Dad to take me out to lunch, because, again, when the Marizomib side effects hit, you do not fee like eating. This was in the neighborhood of the latest addition to my collection of medical people, so I thought I’d reschedule then. And was told by the receptionist to wait for everyone behind me to check in lest they be late for appointments. That would be fine, but it seems a fundamental misunderstanding of how queus work. And, any time post five-ish hours on infusion day, even though zofran might keep me from puking, it does give me an odd, oily, queasy sensation. I think I deserve some sort of gold star for not puking on this woman right away (again, if you have unconventional problems, feel free to start with an unconventional approach)(my next writing project will be titled, “Life Lessons from Necromancers”). I eventually - using the traditional method of looking down the reception counter, noticed someone not otherwise occupied, and manage to get an appointment more amenable to my schedule. For a physical.

Again, I’d love to use some four-letter words here, but even Finnish fails to meet the requirement. Now, it should be noted that, even though I’m well-aware that I’m physically Adonis-like; I am in chemo and recovering from radiation treatment, Radiation Oncologist implied a few months ago that, even though my scan was clean and looked good for someone with brain cancer, anyone unfamiliar with my case would probably freak out about them. Same thing with my abnormal, uh, “lab sample” I wrote about recently - the nurses agreed, a single abnormal test is hardly unexpected toward the end of chemo, especially since I’m now on a diet consisting mostly of protein, fiber, cafeine, and dangerous, experimental substances. However, I’d prefer not to have to point all that out to a new medical person who has the power to yank the plug on me (sadly, my original GP will be on vacation that week. (I’ll also be on Temodar, so there’s a solid chance my brains will be thoroughly scrambled and incapable of comprehension).

ANYWAY… WEIGHT: 198 lb CONCENTRATION: Pretty good, APPETITE: Normal (but this is 24 hours post-infusion. ACTIVITY LEVEL: Not great; the fatigue side effect definitely caught up with me and chewed me up last night. SLEEP QUALITY: Okay. although I’ve noticed that I definitely thrash around on chemo days. COORDINATION/DEXTERITY: Lousy. Thank Gods I don’t need the walker, and I don’t even think I need my magic ankle support, but my left leg is definitely unreliable today. MEMORY: Not bad, although I did forget my sheets were in the wash earlier today (although I recall stripping the bed and tossing them into the washer). PHYSICAL: Tired and kind of wobbly, but still a lot better than this time a year ago.. EMOTIONAL: Okay. It might just be that I spent yesterday next to my zofran-and-CDB salt-lick, but I’m starting to think I might make it through all this somewhat intact. Hang on. Am I really starting to believe my own bullshit? SIDE EFFECTS: Tired, somewhat sore (either chemo or increasing the difficulty of that stupid elliptical), and in the wrong time-zone, but, other than that, not much.  CURRENTLY READING (For Donna): Gonzo Girl, and The Explorer’s Guild (A Passage to Tshamballah)

[onestowatch]

Q&A: Jagwar Twin on His Striking Debut Album & Nearly Moving to Idaho to Work at Pizza Hut

Photos: Fabien Montique Roy English, who adopted the moniker of Jagwar Twin for his latest project, released his impressive debut album Subject to Flooding seemingly out of thin air. The 11-track collection pulls from disparate influences, from alternative rock, breakbeats typically reserved for hip-hop, to ‘60s-inspired guitar riffs, forming a kaleidoscopic picture of Jagwar Twin as a truly unique artist unrestrained by typical conventions. This sense of distinction extends beyond the realm of Subject to Flooding to English himself and the people who naturally gravitated towards the Jagwar Twin project.

For English, adopting the name Jagwar Twin did not come as a result of needing to creatively rebrand himself, but as a way to properly express the universality and collaborative spirit of his next musical venture. While English is at the forefront of the Jagwar Twin project, to him, it is something larger than himself. The studio became a revolving door of artists like Travis Barker of Blink-182 to producers like Linus, as well as S1 and the renowned Jeff Bhasker who have worked with the likes of Kanye West. Embracing the spirit of collaboration, Jagwar Twin and Subject to Flooding at times feels larger than life. We sat down with English, the man ultimately behind the Jagwar Twin to talk about everything from the first single “Loser” to the Mayan mythology.

OTW: Let’s start at the beginning. You went from being bullied because of your voice to where you are today. It’s a very inspirational story, but was there ever a point where you thought you were going to give up on singing?

Jagwar Twin: Aw man, there we were so many times. I mean, early on, definitely when I was bullied, I didn't really think I could do it, but I didn’t really know anything else to do, and it kind of felt like the only way that I fit in. The biggest time I ever thought about giving up must have been like 2012 or 13. I had nothing going on and my girlfriend at the time was going to Boise State, and there was a job opening at a Pizza Hut across the street from her apartment, so I was like I guess I’ll just move to Idaho and work at this Pizza Hut. I remember talking to my neighbor who I grew up with till like four in the morning that night and was like, “Man I’m going to go work at this Pizza Hut, and I fly out tomorrow,” and he was like “Man you’re an idiot.”

I thought a simple life could be beautiful, and if that’s the plan and that's what God wants for me, that's cool. It was funny cause that night I just kind of said a prayer. I was like, “God. if you want me to do music, open that door. And if not, it’s all good.” Then the next day, like I could not plan this shit, I got a text from my friend who’s like, “Hey I’m in the studio with Jeff Bhasker, and he really loves your music and your voice. Jeff happened to be less than a mile from where I was staying in Venice, so I met him, and he was like, “You’re special don’t go to Idaho.” He ended up being my mentor during that time where we just had conversations that changed the way that I thought about music and the way that I wrote.

OTW: So, when did you take on this moniker of Jagwar Twin. Was it always there or is it something that you recently developed?

Jagwar Twin: It was recent; before I was just Roy English. Jagwar Twin, the whole process of this album, was so different than anything I’ve ever done, and it was really just me completely letting go and going on a journey in and of myself. Everyone who was involved, from Linus to S1, they are the main producers on the album. Everyone just let go of their egos, and it was the most collaborative effort. The songs, the production, and everything felt like gifts because we were all just one little piece of the puzzle being used to create this whole thing. So, at the end of it, we were up in Arrowhead, and I was talking with S1, and we were just like, “This is big. This is not about the us anymore. This is something else.” So, I didn't feel right putting it out as a Roy English album, as a solo kind of thing, because it’s not. It was such a collaborative effort, and all of us feel that way.

I’m really big into Mayan mythology and all sorts of mythology from every different culture and religion. So, I was like the jaguar–that's what it needs to be, because the jaguar is the creature who looks into the souls of other people and then, in turn, can look back into itself. Humans are just mirrors for each other, so when you really look at somebody you know you understand them a lot more. You really understand that person and because of that you really understand yourself. This whole project coming together was that. It has to be Jaguar and then the twin is the dual nature–the light and the dark, the yin and the yang–that everybody has. It also plays into the fact that I’m a Gemini, so I have the twin thing.

OTW: Subject to Flooding feels very universal and human. You touch on some really important subjects, especially now of all times. How did the album title come about?

Jagwar Twin: Yeah, as we both know, this time that we are living in is very crazy culturally, politically, environmentally. We’re all Subject to Flooding. It's like something's going to happen, something's got to change, or something’s going to give. With flooding, there's both positives and negatives. Flooding brings the silt that causes plants to grow, you could be flooded with love and emotion, but then there's also that flip side–the twin element where it can also bring destruction and death. But sometimes those things might need to happen so we can pick ourselves up together as a human race. We have the power to do that together when we look at each other and understand each other and focus on how we’re similar as opposed to how we’re different. I think in our society right now everyone's focusing on the difference, but we’re all tiny ants on this in the universe. Not to sound all hippy, but it’s beautiful that we’re all here together, and we should value that and value the interactions that we do have with each other and find the similarities.

OTW: “Loser,” your first single touched on the idea that we’re all basically losers. You essentially sought out to co-opt this term that was negative and turn it on its head. How has the reaction been to that first track?

Jagwar Twin: It’s been incredible. It’s cool to see young kids resonating with the song or with the message so much. I don't necessarily like to think about it too much. It flowed out and that was kind of the process of it. The whole album was letting things flow, but I felt like a loser so much growing up and made fun of so much and bullied. It’s interesting that kids can feel that authenticity and that realness. I'm so happy that it can help. I’ve got so many messages from people saying, “This song is really helping me. I felt like I didn’t fit in” 

It’s taking the word back, exactly like you said. We’re all losers and we just need to purpose to see the beauty in that. Yeah! I’m weird. I have this weird thing, and that’s cool. You can be yourself. It doesn’t matter what your skin color is, your sexual orientation, what you do for a living, how much money you make. it doesn’t matter; those things aren’t real.  

OTW: With everything going on in the world, is there a certain thing you hope this album can provide to people?

Jagwar Twin: I do hope, just in general, it focuses people on our shared humanity and the ways that we are similar and the ways that we can help uplift each other as a human race, because that's something that isn’t necessarily fostered right now. I think people, in general, are waking up to that, people are starting to wake up a bit and understand empathy more. I hope people focus on that shared humanity through the whole album, cause on the whole there's not really a single song about the me that I am, everything is us focused on purpose.

OTW: From alternative rock, old-school guitar riffs, to these odd yet charming vocal samples Subject to Flooding really pulls from everywhere. Going into creating the album, were these sounds and influences always there or did it arise from collaborative experience?

Jagwar Twin: It was so collaborative. It’s all things I’ve always loved–the ‘60s sounding old school guitars–but then there's the breakbeats that S1 would bring. Linus was such a driving force behind the sound of the album. He’s such a genius. Linus comes more from a classic rock world and S1 comes from hip-hop, so it was cool having both of them as elements on this album where we got this very unique sound coming from these recorded children's choirs and amazing live drummers. We had Travis Barker play, and then Linus chopped up the drums and made it sound like a sample. It was this beautiful, very collaborative process. I don't think any of us really knew what it was going to sound like going into it, and I think that's the beauty of it. When you get in the studio and you allow yourself to be free and childlike, that's when the magic happens.

OTW: How’d you first come into this world of music? Was it a large part of your upbringing?

Jagwar Twin: Music was always around. Nobody's a musician in my family, but my mom just loved music, and she would always listen to the most random music. It was like Celtic hymns and chants and then from that to African drum music and then to like world music. I don't even know where some of the music she listened to would come from. I think I’m a product of the time we grew up, where at any point we could put on any genre, and it's always accessible. We always had different kinds of music playing everywhere.

OTW: You mentioned earlier your interest in mythology. Where does that spur from?

Jagwar Twin: I guess I’ve always been really interested in other cultures and religions. Not the differences, but I’ve been interested in the similarities. All these cultures are talking about so many of the same thing, and I think it's important to focus on the similarities. Focusing on those things helps you to just understand the world in a better way. When I was young, I wanted to be an Egyptologist. I was such a nerd. I remember making my dad make this sphinx out of clay because I loved it for decoration in my room. I have always been fascinated with that stuff

OTW: It almost seems like destiny that, as someone so interested in a sense of universality, you practice a craft that can be thought of as universal.

Jagwar Twin: Music is such a universal language, and it resonates on a DNA level with people even if you don’t know the language. You hear a song and you can feel the emotion. You don't need language. In some ways, I don't even really believe in language. Sometimes you can feel more in a person when you don’t speak than when you are speaking.

OTW: Do you have anything planned following Subject to Flooding?

Jagwar Twin: I’m trying not to plan anything. I’m just going with it. I mean I’m always making music. Linus and I cook all the time, we’re already nine songs deep into the next before even releasing the first one. Music is fun, and it's such an outlet and a way to inspire yourself and inspire others through that.

OTW: You were photographed with Tommy Hilfiger during New York Fashion Week. Is fashion another artistic endeavor of yours?

Jagwar Twin: It’s just another outlet, another form of art. Fashion’s interesting too because it seems like such a different world, but everything is really all the same. When you look at design and you look at songwriting, it's all the same principles, just applied slightly differently.

OTW: So looking at where you are now versus when you were a kid, is there anything you would want say to yourself back then or to any kid out there who feels alone?

Jagwar Twin: I would say it all starts inside yourself and the way you feel about yourself. People will feel that. So, know that you’re awesome and know that I’m a loser, and that's a good thing. You have so much to offer. I would just say believe in yourself because I struggled with depression, and a lot of that is when you’re bullied and made fun of, after a while, you start to believe things that people say about you and you can’t do that.

OTW: You have quite the number of tattoos. Do you have a favorite or vivid memory associated to any?

Jagwar Twin: I got this “C” tattoo and it’s for one of my best friends in the world, Callum. I got his initial and he got mine on the roof in Bali like monkeys crawling around, but I love this ‘I’m not here’ one. That was kind of when I was homeless, had no money, and nowhere to go. It’s funny cause at the time I felt like nobody sees me, nobody understands me. We always do that. We walk past people on the street, and we don't even look at them. I’m not one to judge, but I think we do need to pay attention to people and see people, see people for who they are not what they are.

OTW: Any final words you want to say about Subject to Flooding?

Jagwar Twin: I’m just excited for people to hear it and excited for it to be the world’s. It’s not my album. I can say that over and over again because it feels like something that’s outside of myself and all of us on the project from Linus to S1 and everyone who worked on it. We just look at each other like how does this exist in the world.

OTW: Who are your Ones to Watch?

Jagwar Twin: I really love lovelytheband. They’ve been killing it.

[elmerpoetry]

Unedited truth

As a sophomore lighting Design concentration within the Stage Design and technology program I was consistently challenged to produce theatrical designs of quality. Likewise, I was consistently challenged (as I sat in a room of nine students) to keep my composure about being singularly brown. More than the socio-economic disconnect in life experiences.More than the lack of cultural connection which lead to a deficiency in intimate relationships and passionate friendships being conceived.More than the passive ignorance or willful choice to acknowledge these obvious dividers, what bothered me was that it never got better. Stagnant. It was what it was and everyone else was perfectly content being oblivious that there were reasons I chose never to speak to anyone in class unless being spoken to first. I didn’t know how to speak to them. I didn’t know how to speak with them. Among them. As one of them, because I never felt safe.

I had tried to spark conversation on my end at times, but the topics seemed to bounce off an invisible wall of, “Well that’s nice” motifs.In my heart, I truly don’t believe it was an active choice to be dismissive of these efforts by my classmates because they’re good people, however this is what I do know- everything in my life is black. From soft Dominican Curls to rhythms of speech, through hip-hop dancing feet and engrained in every bite of Puerto Rican food that I learned to make watching Abuela my Afro-Latino-ness knows no subversion.

The more I initially attempted to put myself out there the more I ran into the molasses like stillness that was the various eye glazing, “oh cool...”   “Well that’s nice” which truly meant, “well I can’t relate but I’m not going to tell you I have no idea why what you’re talking about matters at all because I grew up in another universe than you and haven’t cared to go outside my comfortable cultural bubble of privilege to become a well rounded adult and I expect you to have to explain and educate me on every nuance of whatever it is you’re so excited about right now while I make no effort to contribute to this now unfortunate one sided exchange and even when you take the time to explain I’ll just go back to speaking to anyone else about what we already can comfortably interact about since- ya know- its a lot of effort otherwise to have to get to know you as a person outside of our class structure and what I see of you on social media which I have already used to form my probably ill informed preconceived notions about you and that’s enough for me”.

I felt bad. I felt isolated for being born as myself. I felt like I made my classmates uncomfortable because they couldn’t speak on topics that make me everything that I am.Music, Food, First world problems, Fashion, pop culture, film, life anecdotes, how we grew up. Nothing. People bond over their collective struggles and passions. Between my classmates and I there were no common denominators to our truths other than our mutual craft- it wasn’t enough.I didn’t know what to say anymore, so I shut up.

My silence was not limited to my voice but extended to the insecurities I had fought all freshman year to overcome when initially shell shocked by this same mechanism of ignorance campus wide. I was again hyper aware of my black fashion, my black music bumpin out my black headphones, my black sense of humor, even the flavor of my stride as I walked was under my careful surveillance as to not stand out and make the white people uncomfortable. When colored people make white people uncomfortable bad things happen to colored people. No one tells you this formula, your inherit it as learned instinct growing up colored in America. Whether it’s another black kid getting shot or it’s someone in the workplace using their power dynamic against you because they feel threatened by your capabilities and you happen to be conveniently not white so they can use the power of subtle racial stigmas against you when the opportunity presents itself this formula is fact. It’s articulation in my college experience is my truth in this story.

9am walk in, exchange mundane socially ritualistic greetings. Listen to and voice some collegiate bullshit banter about whatever it is that’s making us “so tired” and “so overwhelmed” that morning because what is Emerson if not a money and soul sucking vacuum of privilege and what is a Design Tech student without the urge to complain for complaining’s sake - shut up. Listen for 15 min to these same classmates exchange excitedly with the other white kids who just walked in about everything and anything they’ve all been doing on their personal time with vibrant comfort and companionship. Sit quiet in class- Grab my bag and literally dip out the room as fast as possible the second we were dismissed. Irish goodfreakinbye. French mofreaking Exit. Repeat every other day for maximum effects of systemic/infrastructural oppression caused by a lack of diversity at your collegiate institution that no one seems to wants to effectively deal with.

After two and a half months of this cycle we were to produce and present our “Cue to Music” projects. Pick a song and in the Lighting Design Lab design, program and execute a full light show to the song on the mannequin Fred and you have the option to bring someone in instead of Fred which hasn’t been done at all till this point because why do more work. Cool, bet- sounds fun. Except Fred is white. As a lighting designer how am I supposed to be the best I can be if I have never studied how to design on darker skin tones at the professional level. It is literally a handicap on my $65,000 a year training to not have to design on dark skin as a requirement. Our acting program has less than 30 people of color in it and casts less than half of that on any show I MIGHT be working on if at all so the odds of getting to design on a colored person in anything other than a student show is radically low.

Every class became a mission I had to mentally prepare myself for. By the time we got around to this project it was the end of the semester and reached the limit of what my mind and emotions we telling me was healthy about this situation. I had to speak.  I asked the only other Brown lighting designer in the major, then a freshman I had befriended (at first over the fact that we were not white then because we actually share values and interests) to be my mannequin.

The black body is a political body and I intended to use it as such. The song I chose was “How Great” by Chance the Rapper. Being a disciple of hip-hop culture I wanted to use it as a form of resistance from the negativity that had corrupted my self worth. I wanted something to celebrate so I turned to my faith in God and in my culture. I wanted to celebrate life and being alive via the glorification of my beliefs and applying my craft on a body that looked like my body. I felt a need to reclaim my identity from this space that had put me in a position where for so long I felt the need to suppress it. I had to speak.

Presentation day came and again I repeated my ritual of likable small talk before class and sat through some presentations as I got more and more anxious about mine. I had presented two very political projects earlier in the semester one design where I used my own poetry with Biggie Smalls lyrics from “Suicidal Thoughts” to tell a narrative of a black male character who grew up fatherless then had a wayward life that led to suicide and lit Fred to that. Another where I used Kendrick Lamar’s sampled interview with Tu-Pac at the end of “Mortal Man” to speak about the race issues in contemporary America via my design. But this time it was personal in a different way. It was about me.

I’m up - I went to the light board. As I loaded up my show cue file I started trembling. Luckily it was dark as I set my cue sheet and my friend took his place where Fred once stood so no one could tell...but I could tell.  

How great is our God, sing with me How great is our God, and all will see How great, how great is our God

Exalted- my body mechanically started keeping time with the music- eyes glued to my cue sheet- head tilting to see the cues popping off as the washed faded across my friends beautiful dark skin and Chance preached his truth and for those few minutes its was our truth- My Truth-the Truth. The room warped with the light of my afro-soul and the skill of my craft. The music of my people echoed against the walls and my classmates were presented with what at face value seemed like just another Elmer project. I was presented with my own voice and it embraced me like a friend long absent. My hand trembled like a would be lover confessing his infatuation after months of build up and self doubt. I was naked in a room of acquittances who didn’t know me “like that” -ears hot and adrenaline pumping.

This was my act of revolution. I felt unapologetic for the first time in this space. No longer sorry for being myself and no longer worried about someone else feeling uncomfortable about not understanding.

There is more context to these relationships and occurrences than I have the time to explain in this article. But if you take anything away from this let it be the following: This was one class in my second year of school...imagine living at this school...imagine the first year...imagine the other classes...imagine the stories I could tell-ask others of the stories they could tell.I do not feel resentment or ill will toward the students or professor of my class for being products of a system that puts them in a position where they are made complicit in the societal crimes of a greater structure outside of their immediate control. I respect, greatly admire and generally get along just fine on a surface level with the majority of my non POC classmates if not all and with each of my passionate professors. I do however hold anyone who should know better than to actively not be aware of their position of power and privilege within this system fully accountable for choosing to remain ignorant to their part in this. I hold anyone accountable who is not ignorant to their position and chooses to not participate in actively making an effort to make it better or does the bare minimum.   

I’m currently a junior. When I was accepted into my dream school I cried for hours. As I reflect on that night I view it as a precursor to the amount of tears I would shed especially in my first two years here caused by  infrastructural racial and psychological aggressions as well as ignorance on a day by day person to person basis. Wake up.

[aceofaces20]

What would be a valid thing to submit as evidence for adhd? I feel like my teachers never noticed anything, all it ever says on my report is 'quiet', and im in the uk and you need school reports for diagnosis, and i feel like i wont be taken seriously cos they dont say 'bouncing off the walls' or something

I feel you, nonny. I wasn’t diagnosed until college because I was just “quiet.”

Odds are, if a lot of the symptoms add up enough to make you SUSPECT you have ADHD, you probably have it. But more research is always good!

So like many things, ADHD is a spectrum. The two ends of it are Inattentive to Hyperactive- and then you have people like me, in the middle, with the Combined version. Some people have more Inattentive than Hyperactive, some have more Hyperactive than Inattentive. Everyone who has ADHD experiences the symptoms a little differently.

You can find about six thousand symptoms lists online, but here I’ll tell you things that usually don’t end up on those lists that my therapist told me a lot of her patients ended up experiencing aside from listed symptoms.

(Note: Initially I tried to keep these short. Yeah, that didn’t work. I bolded the important parts.)

1. Insomnia, or at least a super screwy sleep schedule. No joke, this can be super detrimental and will only serve to exacerbate your symptoms. “Just set a sleep schedule!! You’ll feel better!” they all say- Thanks Barbara if I had any control over when my brain chooses to sleep at all I wouldn’t have this issue, ok?

-a solution to this is to, in all actuality, condition yourself. Start ONLY using your bed for sleep. Get a little chair or something in your room if you’re also a hermit like I was growing up (mushroom chairs are gr9) and once you get out of bed, don’t let yourself get back on it for more than a few minutes unless you’re going to sleep.

Some nights it’s not enough, but in general for me personally this has been an actual lifesaver- I can go from being not tired to exhausted at the drop of a hat in normal life anyway (another symptom they don’t usually tell you about) so it’s nice to be able to make it work for me for once- I get into bed, maybe spend 30 minutes restless and then I’m out.

2. On the subject of sleep. You kids ever heard of the sleep of the dead? Because guess what, I have ignored literal fire alarms in dorms because of it. About 1-2 hours into my sleep I enter a state akin to a bear hibernating. I have slept through wake-up alarms, slept through emergency alerts, slept through FIRE alarms, slept though friends and family attempting to wake me… you get the picture.

3. On the note of the hibernating bear. You constantly wake up angry (or at least disgruntled) at the universe and take a really, really long time to power on. No, I’m not talking “a case of the mornings.” I’m talking it takes me until noon some days to actually feel somewhat alert. I’m talking feeling nothing but seething rage at anyone who tries to engage you in higher brain function before you’re fully awake.-the seething rage is more personal to me, but, every single last one of my friends who’s ADHD has issues getting up in the morning. There’s hating mornings, and then there’s hating mornings.

4. About mornings. You’re constantly late to anything in the morning because you just couldn’t “get going.” i.e., you knew and 100% wanted to get up and get moving but your brain said “nah, let’s just sit here on tumblr mobile for a while k?”-it’s very difficult to describe this part of executive dysfunction with words, because it comes off as laziness to a lot of neurotypicals. It’s not laziness. It’s having the motivation and and will and the drive to do something and not forgetting about it and it still doesn’t get done.

“Why didn’t you do x?” they’ll ask. And you just sit there thinking shit, you meant to, really, honest to god meant to, it was on your brain to do and yet all you could actually do that day was sit around and watch terrible TV. And then you feel terrible because YOU think you’re lazy.It’s not laziness. It’s executive dysfunction.

5. Another not so well known EXDYF fact: Mental math or memorization for you will always be the literal bane of your existence. Teachers always told me I was a “smart kid” in school (I am, but not the point) and then they’d wonder why I couldn’t memorize a five line poem.

Or I’d start off with a 60 on a math test, until my teacher would comb through my work by hand (only useful math teacher I ever had in high school tbh) and I’d end up with a 92 because nearly all of my mistakes involved basic arithmetic errors. Even though I was able to use a calculator on the test.

(One time I decided 21-19=14. To this day 8 years later I still do not know from what abyss my brain pulled that info from.)

“You’re smart! Just focus!” I can’t choose what my brain decides to focus on that easily, Sharon, not without a lot of crying and panicking.

6. But wait! You say. I have really obscure information from a fandom that I can infodump on someone at a moment’s notice! Surely that means I’m just Lazy and Unmotivated, right? I guess I just can’t be bothered to memorize the important stuff.

*Loud buzzer noise* Stop right there. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

I will take you by the shoulders and look deep into your eyes and make you realize that guess what? If you have an ADHD brain, you have NO control over telling your brain what is important and what is not. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Your brain decides, and you usually get no say in the matter.

This sounds bad, I know. And in terms of school, birthdays, appointments, it’s terrible. But you’re not helpless. It sounds trite, but, get a good goddamn calendar app on your phone and use the hell out of it for appointments and birthdays. And for school? Find those fandoms and use mnemonics. No, seriously.

7. Also on school: You procrastinate the hell out of everything. And I’m not talking normal “haha I’ll do it later!” procrastination. I’m talking serious, problematic, REPEATED “why the fuck can’t I just do it on time like a normal person” procrastination where you start blaming yourself for not doing it sooner like a neurotypical.

Listen, buddy ol’ pal (or however that goes), you’re not neurotypical. But listen- there’s actually a medical reason why you do this.

So everyone’s brains have reward systems, right? Your brain gives you the feel good when you do something you think you should. And later, a brain remembers that it got the feel good for doing the thingy thing.

In a brain with ADHD, that reward system malfunctions. Sometimes critically. Your brain chucks so much stuff it deems “unnecessary” out the window it chucked out that feel good you got when you turned in that homework on time, or cleaned out your car, or did some pilates for 30 minutes.

8. You want to know what doesn’t help with number 7 there? Another thing that won’t show up on symptom lists but that virtually everyone I know with ADHD (quite a few, actually. Turns out we hang out in packs because we’re usually the only people who can understand each other) about ADHD is how daunting large tasks or projects seem to an ADHDer.

So listen, more medical talk here. Remember that EXDYF thing? Yeah, this is part of that.

EXDYF makes it very, very hard (almost impossible, sometimes) to break down large tasks into smaller, more feasible tasks. You get nervous the longer you put off that paper (“this isn’t something you can spit out overnight!”) You’ve been sitting in front of your computer for hours, and the only word you have written down is “The”.

Honestly, I’m not sure why it’s actually super hard to break down large undertakings into smaller tasks for the ADHD brain. But! Solution.

-if you’re having a problem breaking down ANY sort of task, I promise there’s someone else who’s done it online.

Need to write a paper? Use a template. Need to clean out your car? Find a checklist, or have a friend make you one (cause Lord knows I can’t make one on my own). Need to make a presentation? Find a sample one online. Hell, this even works for taxes. (Gasp!)

Do NOT be afraid to ask for help with even personal large undertakings. If your friends are actually your friends, then they’ll relish the chance. Especially when you can turn around and blaze through a quarter of the important project you two (or however many) have due next week in four hours because of hyperfocus.

9. So, your focus. Totally trash, right? That is, until you hyperfocus.

Hyperfocus, to a neurotypical, probably sounds great. Tune out all distractions and get shit done, right?

Sure, Linda, if you can call being able to ignore things like the need to sleep, eat, and use the bathroom “tuning out distractions.” Time becomes a literal illusion. And damn do you pay for it later by your brain not wanting to do anything at all.

On the flip side, this is why ADHD people make fantastic emergency workers like EMTs and firepeople. If you learn what to do with adrenaline when you start feeling it, you feel like you could punch Satan himself when you’re riding an adrenaline+hyperfocus high. Combine that with the fast-paced, unexpected nature of such jobs and and you have a happy ADHD brain because it’s never bored.

10. Because boredom feels like death. No, Cheryl, I’m not being overdramatic. Yes, Becky, I recognize everyone has to deal with boredom.

A neurotypical’s boredom and an ADHDer’s boredom are two very different levels of boredom. Ever heard the phrase “bored to tears”? Now imagine every time you get even a little bored, it’s like this.

And of course, the ADHD hell brain remembers the bad feels of being bored but can’t recall how nice it was to remember all of the answers on a quiz that one time you paid attention in class.This is why I have the worst problems doing homework and housework, or in general anything with serious repetition (exercise, cooking, driving, tidying up etc.). I can do it for maybe 10-15 minutes, and then my brain’s like “k I’m good. Next source of input please?” like, brain, I’m only like 3 feet into washing the kitchen floor. P l s.

11. Speaking of tears. Has rejection by someone you value ever felt like you wanted to quit existing on the spot, or at the very least wanted to move to an ice cave in Greenland and cry for the rest of your life? Even if the rejection was just perceived rejection and your friend was just expressing grumpiness at something else?

Even if your logic says “they didn’t reject you calm down you’re overreacting?”

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. It’s a newer term, but honestly, once I found out about my own ADHD and this bitch of a symptom a loooooooot of my weird habits started making a lot of sense in my head.

It doesn’t have to be actual “rejection”. It can get set off from stuff like awkwardness (hence my personal resistance to making Adult Phone Calls) to disbelief (a huge, huge reason so many people go undiagnosed), to personal judgment and/or criticisms (oh, ok… I guess I’ll never mention my love for X ever again) to even just indifference (no one noticed I mopped all the floors in the house… guess I’ll just go die!).

Basically, if you perceive that someone you care about has dismissed you in some fashion, you literally just want to quit existing. On the spot. Because the feeling of it makes you feel sick, your chest gets tight, you can feel it in your hands, and it makes the rest of your day miserable.This variant is more likely with people you care about, but can definitely 100% happen with strangers too.

Another variant is this: if you perceive that someone (whether you care about them or not) has dismissed you in some fashion, your first instinct is to attempt to disregard and discard them completely. It usually doesn’t work like you want it to.

I’m pretty sure this is another reason why ADHD people hang out in packs. We always have a line in our head we’re terrified to cross with our friends. It makes us seem like we’re emotionally unavailable- but in reality we’re just terrified of being dismissed by our friends for showing our true geeky, infodumping, hyperfixating selves.

(Listen. If a friend mocks you for your true self they weren’t your friend in the first place.)

12. But in terms of crossing that line… Social cues? What are social cues?

Normal people can infer a lot from body language. With a lot of ADHD people, we tend not to notice. Or we notice too much and overanalyze. There’s no in between.

On a side note, your best bet for flirting successfully with an ADHDer is to just come out and say it. (Talk like an elcor. “Flirtatiously: I want to hear more.” or whatever innocent phrase it is you’re using to flirt. If they’re into Mass Effect, this will make them laugh, which means bonus points for you in their eyes.)But seriously, unless you’re making obviously romantic overtures we’re usually pretty sure you’re just being nice.

Back on topic: lack of social ability is a massive, massive reason people with ADHD are usually bullied growing up. If there aren’t any other ADHD people around, it usually feels like no one “gets” you. I was bullied horribly enough during junior high and high school to the point where I still have to repress the urge to automatically assume someone being nice to me means they’re plotting something behind my back. (Didn’t help that my hs was basically the Korriban Sith academy without most of the death. Culty, religious, nepotism ran rampant.)

13. Woe betide thee who angers the ADHD. It's not a problem with everyone, but... We’re like volcanoes. Awe-inspiring to watch in action, but God help you if we explode in your direction. And if it’s righteous anger there is almost literally no stopping us.

Anger has its uses. Our problem is that, like a volcano, we always have a lot simmering under the surface. We tend to hold onto it for ridiculous amounts of time until one day, boom. Yeah, I know, Kathy, that happens with everyone. Delayed gratification and all. The difference with ADHDers is that we usually don’t wait.

ADHDers’ anger will come out initially, because we can’t suppress it. We’re impulsive as fuck. We don’t think before we leap (our brains probably wouldn’t let us anyway). And it will seem like we are flying off the handle for no reason whatsoever. But we also have a tendency to unhealthily hold onto it afterwards even once the initial burst has happened. It’s like a (bad!) positive feedback loop.

14. Gotta bounce the leg. Gotta rock. Gotta fidget. Shit, I’m sorry, were you talking?

So one time I made it through 40 minutes of a math class actively suppressing the urge to bounce my leg… and then my leg twitched of its own accord. Freaky as shit, 0/10 recommend.

Sitting still is physically impossible for me, and for a lot of ADHDers. Lack of impulse control + lack of social cue knowledge + lack of ability to decide what’s important to our brains = Fidget fidget. Fidget fidget. Twitch. Fiddle with paper. Hey, my backpack has a fun texture by the zipper. Oh my God, that lady on the TV is wearing the best shade of blue ever! I wonder where she got it. Shit, I need to go shopping. Wait, why did I need to go shopping again?

“Hey I asked you what you got for number 7.”

Fuck.

15. Depressive episodes. For me, these usually happen after a major hyperfocus where I taxed my brain for all it was worth, especially for long periods of time.

If it lasts for a long time or starts seriously affecting your life, get it checked out. If your doctor gives a damn they’ll be happy you came in to get it checked, even if it was the wrong diagnosis, because if it had been then at least they were there to help you. And they’ll always be happy to sit down and figure out what’s wrong. I know they have to watch out for hypochondriacs and whatnot. But if a doctor really cares about helping people they’ll listen when you say something’s wrong, because they know that you’re the one in your skin, not them. Which means if you really think something might be wrong, something probably is.

More evidence: justexecutivedysfunctionthings here on tumblr. Contains people’s experiences with EXDYF, which is a huge red flag for ADHD.

The Wikipedia article on the subject. There’s a nicely organized chart. (Or at least there was when I looked at it.) Remember, you don’t have to identify with all of the symptoms to be ADHD. Even if you only identify with a few, if they’re significant enough that they are seriously impacting your life and existence, it’s worth getting checked out.

I may add more to this later/change some stuff as my memory allows.

[learmagazine-blog]

Some Lite Irony

I meet Bum el Niño in a local coffee spot called Buona Caffe. The weird thing is, neither of us drink coffee, a kind of irony that Niño exudes in his work: contractions, opposing values, and a sense of clarity that seems slightly out of place. I want to figure out why this album sounds the way it does, where this sense of direction comes from despite the diverse sound scape. Every song on the record is unique. Unique enough to be on a separate album, a fact that of course is ironic as our first few exchanges at the table. I order a spiced tea, and find Niño at the table in the back. He has his own water bottle, which is weird only because he suggested we meet here, yet he orders nothing. I decide to ask him if he wants anything.

Niño: No, I’m ok, I got my water.

The water bottle is a blue 32 ounce wide mouth.

I: What do you usually get from here? You have any favorites?

N: Nah, I’ve had the tea once, but usually I don’t get anything.

I couldn’t help but think of the sign at the counter that asked that all guest purchase something. It seems Niño’s very presence here was a contradiction.

I: So this is just a good spot to conduct interviews then, huh?

N: I really don’t do press (chuckles).

I: Well think of this as a studio session (chuckles).

N: (Laughs): That’s cool. Turn me up on the left.

I: As a prerequisite for my studio sessions with new people, I am a little interested in past sessions.

N: Told you I don’t do press (chuckles). They’ve been productive, which might be another way to say boring.

I: For the latest project in particular?

N: Yeah, those been really productive, but I think the least boring one might’ve been Free Max B. That was a fun session.

I: That’s a compelling record. I imagine you’re referring to the second part. What inspired you, or should I say  what inspired the smoothest brother?

N: Definitely the greats: Bootsy, George and ‘nem. Sly fasho. Probably Sly the most. I was thinking Sly would say some slick, pimp like shit like “I know you like to be polite, but baby I can do ya right” you know? And alot of funk seemed like the the soundtrack to black power. So I tell my people don’t give up so easy, which I think we know but forget sometimes.

I: People as in black people?

N: Yeah.

I: Of which we’re the only two here, if you noticed (laugh).

N: (Laughs) Oh yeah I always notice.

I: So this is kind of an interesting place for a studio session coming of this album. It seems like you’re making some strong statements about race throughout-

N: If you’re about to ask if the album is for Caucasians, then no (laughs),

I: (Laughs) That reminds me of a line on Let Loose: “I am not from the Caucasus, I am not Caucasian”. When I heard that line I thought of irony.

N: Ok, why’s that?

I: The line seemed out of place. I think you created a world on the project, in which white people are very, uh, absent. Like this album is that  juke spot on the corner where the racial make-up is opposite of this spot. There are two of fewer white folks, and you can feel the results of their actions, like maybe segregation, but everyone is so concerned with enjoying their time, no one thinks about segregation or racism.

N: Except the conscious, afro-pick soul brother.

I: (Laughs) Exactly, that line on Let Loose is that dude, always chanting about the man keeping us down.

N: Is he a drunk?

I: Maybe a little (chuckles). It makes me wonder, who are you speaking to on the song? Which makes me wonder who you are speaking to throughout the project.

N: A bunch a different folks. ‘Cause you know how Let Loose starts right? Like (sings) “I know he need you”. So like a love interest is distracted by another person. But the chorus is speaking to America. Like black people been parenting and grandparenting this mug since it started you know? But I think that line came from seeing alot of people forget about the roots of Hiphop. They forget this is black music, even though it’s alot of people who ain’t black involved now. Them people don’t rap about helping us. Sometimes it seems like they exploiting the art form.

I: I see.

N: But your take is bonkers, I’m feeling that.

I: (Chuckles) I wonder if some themes you deal with are sort of difficult for the black community to talk about. There’s a line in Supa/Fun: “Fuck Clarence Thomas, God Bless Anita Hill”. That case was a little before your time, and I think about how some of us really thought Anita Hill should’ve sacrificed her own well-being for the sake of Thomas’ progression as a black man.

N: Yeah, that’s part of what built this country. Black people, and especially black women, putting themselves aside so other people can shine. But whoever don’t get that just being selfish. Those people couldn’t achieve their own accomplishments because their selfishness lead to nowhere, so it hurt them to see other selfishness get interrupted. That be some of them fist afro pick dashiki niggas too.

I: (Laughs) Are there times where you’re a fist afro american? I think of a line again on Supa/Fun: “I flow ‘cause they swam through my ancestor’s blood”. It seems like you’re providing the audience, which is our community, with consciousness. All these lines are amazing by the way. You wrote them all right? (laughs)

N: (Laughs) Yeah, I wrote everything except the verse on Lite In The Daytime. And yeah sometimes you gotta let em know.

I: Kick the knowledge. Speaking of Lite In The Daytime, this album sometimes feels like Rakim and sometimes feels like Pimp C. What were you listening to during the process?

N: Like I said, alot of Sly. There’s A Riot Going On.  Probably listened to that like 50 times. A record by Bobby Hutcherson called Head On was in heavy heavy rotation. One of my homies from the web had the cover on his social media profile back in 2013, and I’ve been listening ever since. It gives me direction when I’m making an album. It’s where I got the seven track method, the switch-ups, alot of technical shit.

I: So hold on, homies from the web?

N: Yeah, met him through Instagram.

I: Ah, I’m not on that.

N: Quick story, he came to the city once bought me some breakfast, and dropped like 2 g’s on records. I ain’t even have no job at the time so I was like “yo that’s wild”, but you know, some people get down like that. (Laughs)

I: Do you collect records?

N: Not quite. I buy records to listen to ‘em.

I: (Chuckles).

N: Man some people buy records just to say they got ‘em, never play ‘em, just take pictures of em or brag about special presses or retail value. I think it’s silly. Like if you ain’t doin’ nothin’ with it, you may as well give it to somebody who can use it.

I: You mentioned Bobby Hutcherson; he’s a jazz musician correct?

N: Yeah, vibraphonist.

I: You might be the first rapper I’ve met who knows that. Did you sample any of his records on this project?

N: Can’t tell you that (chuckles). But nah I didn’t. But he inspired what I was trying to do alot. Sometimes you gotta have reverence when it comes to sampling. Some records shouldn’t be touched. Like have a top five that you’d never sample.

I: What are yours?

N: Hmm; it’s gonna seem like I was waiting on this question but Head On, I Fooled You This Time, Original Ragga Muffin, What Time Is It, and Is My Living In Vain. I’ll never flip anything on those. They’re too good.

I: That’s outstanding. That last one’s a gospel record correct?

N: Yeah, The Clarke Sisters.

I: So how’d you feel about the Jay-Z sample? (Laughs)

N: Terrible. (laughs) Like one of the worst flips I ever heard. But it’s on my forbidden list so I wouldn’t even touched it. Honestly, I didn’t care for the flip on Lite In The Daytime at first. But when the bass line hit I started feeling it.

I: How’d that song come about?

N: The homie I worked with, Jermond, was saying how he rapped. And you know, everybody be rappin’ so I ain’t really pay it no mind. Most of the time, I don’t take rappers seriously unless I hear ‘em do some freestylin’. I think that’s the mark of a dope emcee. So one day I heard freestyle and I was like “ok you got skills”, so I told him I made beats. Fast forward like two weeks and I’m listening to a famous harmonica player. I found like a six second section I liked. Broke up the notes in the [Boss SP] 303 and then played em backwards. Then I added some drums from a lil mini drum machine. Then I was like, this beat is trash. The thing about the 303 though is it saves workflow, so it was still even after I turned everything off. So the next day, I turned the 303 back on, and it was still there. I got out my bass machine and just started playing a random scale and boom, there it was. As I was playing the bass line, a hook came to my mind. It felt like some pimp shit (chuckles). You know Maya Angelou was a madame? So I thought of some Maya Angelou pimp shit (laughs), like I’m tryna put you on game, share some wisdom you know? Anyway, Jermond spit a dope freestyle, and one day we was at work not doing much and I showed him the beat and the hook. He was like “Oh snap that shit crazy” you know. And I was like “yo you wanna get a verse on here”, and he was like “Hell yeah”. I sent him the beat to his email. So fast forward another two weeks, and I recorded the hook. I also had a verse partially written down on the cover of a Klique record. So I hit him that day, no answer. Very next day: I was just about to go in to record that partial verse, and he calls me, kind of drunk. He was like “I got a verse ready man” and I was like “when can you record” and he hit me with the “I’m out of town these next couple weeks, but after that anytime”. Man I was like “aight” (laughs). So in the two weeks, I’m listening to the Streets Taste song and this instrumental, got them both in heavy rotation. And I think hearing together made me like the instrumental alot. The hook and the bass line made it more enjoyable for me. Two weeks pass, and I finally get Jermond in the studio.

I: (Laughs) And smooth sailing from there?

N: (Laughs) He didn’t have the verse written if that’s what you mean by smooth sailing. But he did bring a notebook and his own water. No pen though. So I had to play the beat over and over, and he finally got it finished, and recorded in a only a few takes. That’s when the smooth sailing probably happened. Like on his way out the door. But it was a fun session, and his verse ended up being the length of the rap section so it worked out. But yeah dope bass lines, catchy hooks, and listening a thousand times might make you like a beat more (chuckles).

I: (Chuckles): That makes me wonder, what are some of your favorite songs on this project?

N: Knock is wild. Shout out to Bruce and Daniel; they came through on them joints for real. I really love that (sings) if I had a-nother sack/I would roll it light it pass it around. That’s exactly the music I was trying to make. Of course Streets Taste. James was behind that beat. That was the first one that was made so everything else kind of fell into that genre. It’s like the running theme. What they call it, thesis?

I: Right.

At this point things started to make sense. The irony of being black in America ties this album together, tied this very conversation together. We don’t really belong here, but it wouldn’t exist without us. We all experience being black differently, but get treated with the same disdain. It seems that Lite Won’t arrive Late is summarizing or soundtracking this phenomenon. Niño continues.

N: Let Loose was a dope session. Art came in straight killing it from the jump. Harmonizing like Zapp and Roger and shit. Then we put that Color Me Badd on there. Oooooh!

Niño beings to sing the song, replicating the beat on the table with his fist, knuckles and snaps. As a white woman looks over, he simply continues, failing to acknowledge her. Again irony arises.

N: (Sings) I wanna bless you up! Ooooh. That joint was wild, man.

I: So since we’re back at Let Loose can you talk a little about  your rhythmic approach.

N: Nah that’s a secret (chuckles). But lemme talk about skits. To all the sorry, non-creative ass rappers out there, you gotta be thoughtful about the skits. They gotta bring your shit together.

I: Do you think the skits help with the coherence?

N: Yeah that’s what they there for (chuckles). You heard Badillac?

I: Yes. Very powerful record.

N: ‘Cause the skits.

I: Were you influenced by any West Coast rap on that one?

N: Most def. I was tryna get that G-funk feel in the whole thing. Yo, Ice Cube had them skits!

I: (Chuckles): You drew from alot of comedians also. Was that intentional?

N: Can’t tell you none of that, but test in power to Bernie Mac.

I: Indeed.

Niño begins to rise, collecting his water bottle.

N: Is this the part where I plug the album?

I: It can be.

N: Well I’ll say go write ya’ll Congresspeople to get the monuments at the Legacy Museum in Alabama and work on ya’ll skits!

As I leave the coffee spot, Niño hands me a cassette tape of the album.

N: (Raps) Never put me in ya box of ya shit eats tapes (Laughs). Peace man.

The irony that Niño masterfully displays in this project, along with the technical skill, creative risks and wins, and themes of black empowerment makes Lite Wont Arrive Late required listening in this turbulent era, where too many give up on progression to easily.

Ian Greenwood is a journalist for Leer Magazine, father of five, and music professor  at Paint University. 

[luckylagerlegacy]

Action Bronson “BLUE CHIPS 7000″ Album Commentary

    Action Bronson has been putting on for chubby white guys who hate Michael Jordan for the better part of a decade now, I guess that's why I've always had a special place in my heart for his music.  The Queens, New York born Crook-turned-Cook-turned-Rapper-turned-TV personality has an uncommon bag of references and a flair for showmanship that is highly polarizing; you're either gonna be a big fan of a guy who talks French cuisine and Italian handbags on almost every track, or you're gonna sleep on him on your way to defending XXXtentacion in yet another online argument. His listening audience has been waiting for this project since the psychedelic, experimental Mr. Wonderful dropped back in March of 2015. Let's dive right in and see what Bronson and his bevy of hit making, sampling  expert producers have for us:

 1)      Wolf Pack:

               This track opens with an audio clip of Action Bronson having a conversation with (who I am assuming is) his very, very stoned mother in a car. It's a jarring way to start an album; you can hear a dog whimper and another woman laugh from somewhere inside the car, it's strange- but then, a musical jumpcut puts us in the passenger seat of a 74' Coup De Ville on our way to collect some money we're owed while Bronson shouts "PUERTO RICAN AIRFORCE ONES AT THE WEDDING" which is the perfect opening to this album. This beat is perfect, Bronson rides the pocket expertly, only stepping out of the sweet spot to say inflammatory shit like "YOU SMOKE LITTLE BLUNTS LIKE KEVIN HART'S ARMS" or "I SHOT DOPE BEFORE I WROTE THIS - SNORT DOPE AND DO AEROBICS BY THE OCEAN" it's an excellent leadoff.

4/5

2)      La Luna:

               Of course this is going to be an album full of skits, Bronson loves that type of theatre. The conceit of this track is Action's homie calling "La Luna Luxury car rentals" and being put on hold, and that hold music just happens to be the funkiest beat of all time- so Action raps over it from across the room until the beat fades all the way in. From there it's the average Bronson song. A lot of really cool, quotable bars that evoke 80's coke dream vibes.

3/5  

3)      Chairman's Intent:

               Right back to it, this beat sounds like the score to a 70's blacksploitation flick and Action is even more swaggering than usual in his delivery and lyrics. Halfway through the track the beat cuts out, and a beautiful string section hints at the song ending... right before the beat slams back on and Action shouts "TWO PUMPS FROM THE INHALER GOT ME FEELING LIKE LAWRENCE TAYLOR" and all of the sudden I am in a silk bathrobe dancing around my living room like a fucking fool. Don't listen to this song unless you're trying to build the courage to do an armed robbery or else you're gonna derail your whole life by accident. This is home invasion music. It's a musical Tarantino flick, but like, less N Words dropped.

4/5

4)      Hot Pepper (feat. Mayhem Lauren and Jah Tiger):

Thank god we get to hear from Mayhem Laurenovich on this album. This duo is one of the best tag teams in all of rap music, together here rapping over a hook provided by Jamaica's own Jah Tiger (first seen on an episode of "Fuck That's Delicious".) Bronson's verse is a lot of fun (saying shit like "I'M QUALIFIED TO SPEAK FOR MY ATTORNIES, ADRESS THE JURY IN A SHAQ  JERSEY"), buy Mayhem steals the show on the song. He comes in, off beat as hell and overpowers the whole shit. He's flexing about some amazing shit here, "YOU THE TYPE TO COMPLIMENT A ROLLIE AT THE URINAL - I'M THE TYPE TO RESEARCH CONTINENTS AND THEN EXPLORE A FEW" that's fucking hilarious.

4/5

5)      Bonzai:

               This track is fucking amazing. This is the exact Action Bronson I first became a fan of- more measured both in production and in his lyrics here. "DADDY BACK WITH HIS LONG WHITE CADDILLAC, NOW IT'S TIME TO TAKE A NAPPY-NAP" your favourite could never sound like a king pin while saying "Nappy-Nap" b I guarantee it. The more conversational, less action movie star Bronson is a welcome surprise on this album that has so far been an audio reimagining of every movie that his namesake Charles Bronson ever starred in. The crackhead audio at the end is also pretty, pretty good.

5/5

6)      Let It Rain:

               This song starts with the sounds of a chick moaning (weird) and a really crazy Merengue instrumental serving as the beat (fire). I'm about to don my dance shoes and show you turkeys how to box step like a 5 time ballroom champ. Once you get past the super awkward audio of the woman cumming the song is actually pretty sick, as soon as I'm rich enough to steal a boat I will be piloting it out into a quiet, sunny bay and listening to this while I search the entire cabin for the liquor cabinet before accidentally capsizing the vessel.  The last bar on the track is Action exclaiming "THESE DUDES TRASH LIKE MICHAEL JORDAN JEANS" which means a whole lot to me.

4/5

7)      My Right Lung:

               This track opens with the silkiest jazz you've ever heard, but it's got this bite to it that makes you think Gil Scott Heron is about to hop into the breach and tell us that white people are the devil, before this Albanian Devil leans in with- "I'D GIVE MY RIGHT LUNG IF I COULD DUNK A BASKETBALL ONE TIME" -Fuck okay Bronson, me too. This might be my favorite track on this whole album. I demand to know who this sample is- if it is a sample at all. I'm impressed with how much he lets the beat breathe on this, it creates an atmosphere that makes his last, more frenetic verse pay off a ton harder. "FUCK A CRITIC, I'LL HAVE MY LIL SPANISH HOMIE HIT YOU WITH THE CIVIC - SPEND A MOTHERFUCKER SPINNIN"

5/5

8)      TANK (featuring Big Body Bes):

       This beat is fucking crazy. The flip on the sample is insane. Bronson is spitting really fun, carefree shit here like "SOMEHOW WE GOT JEEPS IN JAIL, TELL THE JUDGE IT'S ALL GOOD, GO HEAD AND KEEP THAT BAIL" and "DADDY SWERVE THE COUP WITH CONVICTION, GUNS UNDER THE PILLOW LIKE MY TOOTH MISSING, EVERYBODY KNOW IT'S ME CUS THE ROOF MISSING." Then Big Body Bes steps in and screams the dumbest, coolest sounding shit ever like only he is capable of. "ONLY GOD COULD BENCH US - YOU WAS IN THE DAYROOM DOING SPLITS - I TOLD YOU STOP BLOCKING THE TV - I'M TRYING TO WATCH MAURY - AND HANG THAT FUCKING PHONE UP" Holy fuck I'm 5 years old again watching WWE for the first time.

5/5

9)      Let Me Breathe:

       Harry Fraud and Action Bronson should get married n make music together every damn day. They are a power couple, and have maybe never made a bad song together? This was the leadoff single from this album, and also probably my least favourite song on it- but it's still very good. It's a little cute for my likes, but I say that as I nod my head in a top-to-bottom Ralph Lauren outfit that I didn't have on before this song started playing.

3/5

10)   9-24-7000 (feat Rick Ross):

       This shit is crazy. It opens with Action comparing himself with Sting, and moves on to a whole myriad of blowjobs, fast cars and fine dining - before he dives off the back of a boat and let's Rick Ross take a turn on the mic. NOW, i should preface this off the bat- Rick Ross could not have written this verse- it's too good. Same shit happened with his verse on Devil In A New Dress.. Anything too impressive coming out of Ross' corner, I just assume it was 8 struggle rappers turned ghost writers and a whole lot of coffee in some shitty office building near Burbank- ANYWAY- This verse is good as hell, it makes the song slap in the way only Rick Ross lending a verse can. I want some goddamn lemon pepper wings now. You can hear J. Cole's woke rant at the end of this track too, which is sad but fun.

5/5

11)   The Choreographer:

       I'll take the time to say it now- if not the best album of the year - this has so far been the most fun to listen to. I have been transported to a lot of foreign locales and into the back seat of a lot of vintage luxury automobiles just by throwing in headphones and pressing play on this shit. A standing ovation can be heard at the top of this track, and it's honestly really deserved. I want to roller-skate with a single mother to this shit, not even in a roller rink either. He's out here doing his best Dru Hill impression (literally) on this track. Give it up to Bronson. This shit is great.

4.5/5

12)   Chop Chop Chop:

       Back to the psychedelia that made so many cameos on Action Bronson's last project. A smoky choir backs up drugged out guitar riffs and shaky drums behind Bronson's "THE WHEELS ON THE RANGE GO CHOP CHOP" chorus, and the standout bar on this shit, "THE BLUNT LASTS LONGER THAN A WHOLE BADHU CONCERT" that's hilarious. For all the work he put in on the first half of this album, these last few tracks just feel like a victory lap.

3.5/5

13)   Durag vs. Headband (feat Big Body Bes):

               Victory lap complete. This whole album went fucking hammers, and this song is the perfect button on it. He's just stunting on us, it's fantastic. "I'M IN THE CLUB WITH A CONDOM ON - ALL UNDERARMOR ON" then Bes' chorus, and him fucking everything up again with more angry spouting off that simultaneously makes me giggle like a kid and want to commit felonies. This shit is good as hell.

 4/5

   OVERALL SCORE: 8.3/10

 This album is everything I want from a Bronson project. It's got dope beats, ridiculous lyrics, + attitude and brevity in equal parts. The best track, IMO, has got to be "TANK".

[shame-on-nyall]

It’s my party, I’ll write incoherent fics if I want to!

continuation of “Hot Milky” interlude part 3 lmao it never ends... 

The fic at ao3 until the interlude

Interlude 1

Interlude 2

1,514 words

Turning, Genji caught up to Hanzo in a few noiseless steps.  “I’ll go with you,” he whispered.

“I know the way to the kitchen.  It’s not as if you still need to eat, anyway.”

“That was all your doing, if you remember,” Genji shot back gleefully, then in a quieter voice, begged, “Please, Hanzo, let me stay with you?”

Being reminded of his past transgression with a formally worded request stacked on top, which Genji almost never used if he could get away with the casual form, Hanzo had to acquiesce.  “If you insist, then I will not stop you, Genji.”

Despite his better judgement, Hanzo even allowed Genji to hold his hand, as if they were children again, the young heir of Hanamura leading his toddler brother to the restroom in the middle of the night.  He had of course rolled his eyes and shook his head when Genji first clutched at his fingers, for the last thing he needed was to think of Genji as a baby and thus further indulge his little brother’s childish whims to the disastrous extent that resulted in his death ten years prior.  But the temptation to fall back into old habits soon overpowered any common sense, and leaning heavily onto Genji’s side, holding his bicep for support with his other hand, Hanzo could excuse their contact by affecting some lingering weakness.

Just for now, he thought, while we still can.  Beside him, Genji slowed his steps to match his pace, the metal joints of his hands curling protectively over Hanzo’s fingers.

“So, you’re sure about Jesse?”  At Hanzo’s grunt of contempt, Genji continued, “Don’t get mad, it’s just so I know what to tell him.”

“I already told him what I felt and he eventually agreed with me,” Hanzo said sharply, “so just give him back the gun with an apology and then leave immediately in silence.  There is no need for any more of your interfering.”

“Not interfering, wing-manning,” Genji corrected him.

“On account of you having slept with him before?”  Hanzo tried to not sound like this fact irritated him, it shouldn’t, for Genji was very free with his affections in the past, and Hanzo had actually been exceedingly content knowing that at least one of them would be loved by the people of their village… but to know that McCree gave up Genji to instead pursue Hanzo… seemed very backward and suspicious.  “Not that I care, I should add.”

Genji let out a noise that could only be described as somewhere equidistant between a cough and a snort and a laugh.  “Ah, no need to get jealous, anjia.  There were benefits to our friendship, which I highly recommend to you even though you think Jesse is a stinky uncultured oaf.  Just… hold your breath a lot when he kisses you.”

“Genji, tell me the truth. Why are you so invested in getting us together?  What are you getting out of this?  I don’t understand, I thought you might have wanted to live vicariously through me,” Genji giggled at that, which he frankly had every right to, “Then what is it?!” Hanzo asked helplessly under his breath.

Scratching at the back of his head, despite not actually really needing to, Genji hesitated and then said, “Well, no one in their right mind will sleep with you, and I dunno, it kinda pains me that my now incredibly attractive and no longer ugly brother will remain unfucked until his death while I, an expert on these matters, still have the power to do anything about it.”

So crude, Hanzo thought with a wince, but it seemed Genji’s personality, matured through the years by Angela and Zenyatta’s compassion, had at least developed some empathy for others, even if it seemed to be centered primarily on sexual gratification. “First of all,” he stated, “I am not a virgin.”

“What?! This is the first I’ve heard about that!”

“Secondly, I do have other choices.”

“This is the first I’ve heard about that, too!”

Now thoroughly embarrassed, but also a little proud he could surprise his brother, even if Genji was being rather insolent about it at the same time, Hanzo murmured, while admitting that he was insulting himself in the process, “I am simply asking why you think everyone here is in their right mind.”

Genji’s only response was a soft scream and something along the lines of “holy fucking shit.”

 They soon approached the kitchen, pausing at the edge of the square of golden light thrown by the fluorescent lights against the floor, wondering who could still be up this late cooking food.  It turns out Mei had glimpsed them, most likely Genji’s telltale glow, and she hurried over to the threshold, asking if they needed something she could help with.

“Hanzo was hungry,” Genji started, while at his side Hanzo shushed him and interjected with, “I do not need anything, thank you, Mei, we will be on our way now.”

“But you must still be feeling weak from your illness, Hanzo,” Mei insisted in a gently concerned tone.  “Zarya and I made plenty of food to share, we don’t want you falling sick again because you didn’t have enough to eat!  Come with me, Hanzo, we’ll get you taken care of.”  As she was saying this, she held out her arm, which Hanzo reluctantly took out of politeness, while Genji on his other arm whispered, “oh my god.”

Somewhat unusually, Genji insisted on squeezing into the same chair at the little kitchen table as Hanzo, one armored hip almost halfway on his lap, while projecting an air of watchfulness as Mei scuttled off to check on the steaming dumplings and Zarya served Hanzo a bowl of some hearty beef and vegetable stew from the pot.  Hanzo delicately refused Zarya’s attempts to serve him a sample spoonful, trying to ask why they were eating so late at night, but as he opened his mouth to inquire, she got him anyway and he had to swallow or have it all drip out.  Thankfully she also motioned towards Genji’s faceplate, who calmed down and shook his head no but thanked her and requested she save a small bowl of the liquid for him for later.

“Are they good?” Mei asked, cheeks still tinged rosy pink from when she had been tending to the dumplings on the stove, and Hanzo assured her they were delicious.  Thanking them for sharing, Hanzo dabbed at his chin with a napkin and asked the reason for them staying up so late to eat.

“Night shift,” Zarya said.

When Hanzo remained confused, Mei explained, “Oh, it seems Soldier wanted to keep watch again tonight, on account of him hearing suspicious noises last night, but Angela said he should try to get a full night’s sleep instead, so Zarya and I managed to get him to bed after promising we’ll keep watch in his place.”

“Is that so?” Hanzo murmured, trying to not look panicked at Genji’s direction.  Soldier hadn’t been sleep-walking at all; what if he heard and saw everything?  “May I ask what sort of suspicious noises?”

“He did not specify. He decided they were harmless in the end, but asked us to remain vigilant throughout the night for the next few days.”

“A wise decision.  Well, I wish you both a peaceful and uneventful shift, Mei, Zarya.  Thank you again for the meal.”  Feigning a yawn, Hanzo moved to his feet, dumping Genji out of his lap, managing to collect his bowls and spoons before Mei and Zarya could take them from him.  He quickly rinsed his dishes in the sink, slightly encumbered by Genji wrapping his arms about his waist.

“Hey, the concealer lasted all this time,” Genji observed, speaking right into his ear, causing Hanzo to almost drop the bowl he was drying.

“Genji!” he warned, his heart thumping loudly in his chest.  “Save it for later, when we are alone.  In the meantime, try to not alarm the rest of our teammates, please?  We may not be so lucky in the future.”

“I know, anija, I’ll behave… for now,” Genji said, one hand sliding away from where it threatened to cup his breast again.  

“Just for now.”  But the only thing Hanzo wanted was for Genji to do with him as he pleased, to not have to use Hana’s makeup to hide the evidence of their closeness.  To be the villainous figure Overwatch tried to make him out to be, to be the selfish one of the brothers the elders would not let him be.  To be free to make the terrible and wrong decisions McCree’s love would have saved him from. The secret desires he could never speak aloud to his brother, for fear of their safe haven crashing down around them again.  All he could do was make these silly little promises, to show that he still loved Genji, no matter what had happened, that he needed Genji’s love, even more than before.  “Let’s go.  I need to rest, and you have a cowboy to talk to.”

“Okay…”