#god im so glad i have therapy on monday

[needle-noggins]

read two short little fics this morning and they were phenomenally written but that's all it took for the anxiety spiral to grab me by the throat

[adhdphilosopher]

christ alive im tired of symptoms disorder

[padscomm]

safe place

tara carpenter x f!reader

warnings: grammatical errors, mention of suicides, abusive household and also scream 5+6 au bc why not?!

a/n; IM ALIVE !! I'm so busy, school is shit broo

it was sunday, it meant it was cleaning time. but, you were to focused on studying that you forgot to clean the house.

you checked the time, and you realized, that your father was coming home soon. you panicked, and quickly started cleaning your room.

your father was an abusive alcoholic, it was a suprise. an loving caring man turning into an abusive alcoholic, when your mother died.

he didn't bother going to therapy, instead he started drinking and started doing drugs. when he's tired, he takes his anger out on you, when he's in a bad mood he takes it out on you.

he poured out his anger always at you, you didn't know why. you would always be hiding in the closet, filled with bruises from him. trying to hold your tear's, it was always hard. you've never told anyone about the abusive and toxic household you were in.

you were a joyful person, filled with sunshine but personally, no one ever knew you that well. except for your girlfriend; Tara Carpenter.

you heard the door creaking, you weren't even halfway done cleaning with your room and you still had a few rooms to clean. you were scared, you didn't have a way out.

you decided to hide in the closet, where you always do. you were scared for dear god, you were scared what he will do to you. your tear's streaming down on your face.

you heard a scream, “Y/N!! How come you still didn't clean the house?!” it was filled with anger, your heart is beating fast, you are scared. sweating intensely.

hearing footsteps from the stairs, and through the hallway’s of your bedroom. you prayed to dear god, to not hurt you. “y/n, i know you’re in there.” he say's, opening the door of your bedroom.

you had no way out. you heard him investigating every area.

he opened the closet door, “there you are.” he says, grabbing you from your wrist, tightly. “dad stop please! I'm sorry, I was so carried away—” you didn't have time to speak, he punched you so hard on the face.

that your nose started bleeding, “you really think I'm gonna believe you? you lying son of a fuckin bitch.” you were down on your knees, crying.

The next day

it was a good Monday morning for tara. she was awoken by her sister, sam. she got up from her bed and started making it, then after that she check's her phone if she received a message from you, but sadly she didn't.

it was something off, she chat's you again, asking if you were okay.

· my baby ; hey, are you okay y/n? im worried sick, text me back as soon as you can. hope you're okay mylove! I love you

timeskip at school

“hey guys, have you seen y/n? she hasn't texted me back.” tara said, worried about you. “look's like an overprotective girlfriend is worried about her troublemaker girlfriend.” mindy jokes, tara didn't find her funny, and just glared at her.

“oh there’s y/n!" anika pointed, she ran after her. “she seem's off today, its just not me who thinks she's off today? right?” mindy stated, the others agreed with her. usually, you would hangout with the friend group but this day, you didn't.

you went straight to class, it was unusual for them. you saw anika running towards you, but you decided to walk more faster so she wouldn't catch you.

once you entered inner part of the school, you saw anika not chasing you anymore. you were glad. you had a long oversized hoodie, covering your body and bruises. you went straight to class with the oversized hoodie on you, even tho it was hot as fuck.

after first period, you went to second period. not even bothering to check up on your girlfriend. you were just not in the mood to talk to anyone today. you just wanted peace, and alone time with yourself.

not until second period started, you realized that you and anika were seatmates. you and anika are bestfriends, she worries about you alot.

you sat down to anika, avoiding eye contact with her. “hey y/n, why are you avoiding us?” anika asked, but you didn't answer. anika wasn't really comfortable with your silence, since you were always loud and energetic.

she kept asking you questions but you didn't answer once. second period ended and it was third, you continued to third period with talking to any of your friends or even anyone.

after third, it was lunch break. you didn't have the appetite to eat. so you skipped it, and hid at the rooftop, listening to music peacefully and doing your work.

“y/n didn't talk to me in 2nd period, I don't know why tho, I think something's off about her.” tara looked at anika, “you should go check up on your girlfriend, tar.” liv suggested, but even tara didn't know where you were.

“ill go check up on her at the end of classes.” mindy really thinks tara is a bad girlfriend.

more timeskip

it was time to go home. you didn't go home yet, you were at the rooftop, smoking. it was peaceful, and calming for you. no disturbance.

not until you heard the door open, you put out your cigarette as fast as you can. you saw tara, looking worried sick at you. “y/n, are you okay? you didn't talk to us for the whole day, tell me everything, I'm willing to listen y/n.”

she says, pulling the sleeves of yours “and why are you wearing a jacket it's so—" you quickly took your arm away from her. she saw what she saw, bruises, blood streaming down your arms.

she was in disbelief, “im so sorry tara, i didn't mean to freak you out. I know I'm a bad girlfriend, you can leave me because of my weirdness and my bruises and scars—" she hugged you tightly, “im not gonna leave you y/n. I love you, and that's what matters. can you tell me what happened? it's okay if you're not comfortable.”

you sighed. you needed to tell her the truth, to gain trust. and you did, she was in pure disbelief and shock. she comforted you, and made you more safer.

“i think i should go home, my dad will be mad at me.” you said, but tara didn't let you go. “stay with me for a few days, ill get you help.” those words from tara, was enough to make you tear up.

“dont cry now, baby. stay with me, you'll be more safer.” you didn't care anymore, you wanted to be free with tara.

once tara and you arrived at her house, you were greeted by sam. death staring you, “hey tara, who've you got there?” sam asked, “this is my girlfriend ive been telling you about.” you blushed at her words, she's been talking about you?

“by the way y/n, can you go upstairs. you know my room already.” tara said, she didn't tell sam that you've been sneaking inside their household. “why is there red stuff on her sleeves?” sam was curious. tara explained the whole situation to her.

sam felt bad for you, the two carpenter's will be doing their best getting you help.

after a conversation with sam, tara went up to her room. she saw you, laying down peacefully. “hey let's get you cleaned up, okay?” you nodded, and got up from the bed.

she guides you to her bathroom and sat you down on the sink, she took your hoodie off, and saw all the bruises you had. bruises everywhere, “more bruises down on your legs?” you nodded.

“can i take them off?” she asks for your permission, “go ahead.” she takes of your pants, slowly and lightly. she was shocked with all the bruises that you dad gaved.

“thats alot. let's start with your wrists.” she wiped off all the blood, until there was no more flowing. and rolls the comforting bandage around your arms.

working one by one on the bruises, she stayed up just to get you cleaned.

at the end of the day, it was the two of you lying in bed. “i love you so much, tara.” you said, burying your face onto her neck.

“i always love you more, my love. soon your dad will be in prison.” she reassure's you, and before going to sleep, she kissed you forehead lightly, and kissed you lips passionately.

“tara, what if attempted suicide one day?” you said, out of the blue. it was a suprise, “of course my life will be empty. i cannot live without you. i love you more than everything, if you have a problem, come talk to me okay?” you smiled at her.

she was tired already, “im going to sleep na. im so tired, mahal.”

“goodnight my beautiful, beautiful girlfriend! i love you.”

“goodnight tara, i love you too. sweet dreams.”

“thank you for taking care of me.” you mumbled, “your welcome.

a/n; this is shit

[s0urt33th]

Tw sh; vent

Goddddddddd

Today was just

A difficult day. I skipped classes, dysphoria, so much anger, my therapy session got disrupted by a stupid fucking fire alarm, didnt get anything done at my job but also i feel like i did a lot, internet was down the entire day at the school

And like

I was already operating at like? 30% and then over extended myself and after i left work in the pouring rain being soaked totally- i realized I left my hot chocolate :((((((((((((( i was rlly looking forward to finishing that :((((( and god does an exhausting day just make someone want to do shit like (i wont. Otherwise i dont get my self created reward) i just

Want ttooooooo screams. Like today was so tiring and im so hungry but cooking is so difficult rn and i cant function ive just been feeling s i c k and my jaw has been hurting and now my body is mentally fucking me up bc jfc body issues and just everything is so much :| immmmmmmmm just so tired mentally and

im glad i decided to do all my hw on Mondays now so I have like? A week to recover kinda thing

[sapiowoman28]

Try (Chapter 6): Madam's Party

Pairing: Mark x Y/N x Johnny

Genre: smut, fluff, undercover au with cranky undercover agents

Warnings: mentions of Mark's mental health issues, brief mention of bathroom sex, drug use, Jaehyun is miserable, Doyoung is back, Taeyong saves the day, mentions of a fight. Oh, and Ten doesn't like women hitting on him.

Note: the next few chapters after this one and the next will focus more on the relationship between Johnny and Y/N as well as the dynamic between Doyoung and Y/N.

Mark watched the screen as his online payment went through. He had just booked his tickets for his trip to London. This time he planned to stay 2 weeks.

He had learned his lesson. That one time a year or two ago he stayed there for a month, and it was a total disaster. He came back with his head all messed up, panicking about life in general.

Then both Taeyong and Y/N convinced him to do some online therapy thing and things got better. He was in a better head space now. He was no longer a nervous wreck, overthinking his life and his future. But he kept his trips short. The London weather just didn't agree with him, and he didn't really enjoy the vibe there.

His phone beeped. He picked it up to see who had texted.

"Hey." it was Y/N. He missed his best friend terribly. But he wasn't sure if he was ready to talk.

"Hi." he replied after 2 minutes of staring at the message.

"You going for the party?"

"Yeah. With Kun and Lucas."

"I'm going too."

"With Doyoung?" he smiled to himself. "I heard he's going."

"Mark Lee! You never change do you?" he could imagine her looking exasperated. He giggled to himself.

Silence. He put his phone back down.

It dinged again a minute later. It was her.

"I should have used the safe word when you did what you did. Instead i just continued and got resentful. And made you leave after that."

"I should have been gentle.... I'm sorry Y/N."

"Maybe we need to talk about no go areas. Johnny thinks three of us should have dinner next week and talk. We're all new to this you know."

"I'm going to London next week. For two weeks."

"Can I go too? I really want to meet that weird uncle of yours who believes in aliens."

They ended up talking on the phone, catching up about life the past 2 weeks. Neither of them mentioned the incident again. The discomfort was still a little too fresh in their minds. But they were glad they were talking again.

The party was in full swing when Y/N arrived at half past 11. Yuta had indeed booked the entire VIP section and just about everyone was there. A small group of people had formed around Doyoung, fussing over him and his crutches and he was enjoying every bit of attention he was given. She rolled her eyes.

She wasnt sure if she was ready to face him yet. Their relationship had been terse since that incident where she punched him in the face during a heated argument. in the middle of an operation. in fact when Doyoung got into an accident during the next operation she was a little relieved he would be out for a while to recover. Now he was a little more mobile, it sure looked like he would be back sooner rather than later.

But having to deal with Taeyoung was worse. At least Doyoung recognised she was the best person to get advice on technology matters, and respected her recommendations. So maybe Doyoung being back would be a good thing. She decided to walk over. Doyoung had spotted her, and there was no escape now anyway.

"DDDDDDD!!!!!!" she shrieked excitedly hoping she was at least a little convincing.

"Oh my! Y/N! You are looking good! Must be the glow of love?" Doyoung winked as they hugged.

Stupid Taeyong. He couldn't ever stop talking about Johnny to everyone.

"I see Taeyong's told you."

"Yes, of course, he really really approves." Doyoung whispered. "I just hope you're behaving?"

Y/N sighed. The legacy of her and Mark was always going to be there. No escape. She wished they'd get over it for once. It only happened the first 6 months of her joining the unit. They had already declared each other as best friends a year ago. But everyone still insisted they had a thing for each other.

Some other person faked shrieked at Doyoung and she left as soon as she could, taking a seat at the bar to people watch, ordering a drink. She scanned the room, cursing silently as she saw Ten approaching.

She wasn't in the mood to talk about work now. He wasn't pleased with the first draft of her report, and wanted to make changes she didn't approve of. The guy had something stuck up his ass. It always had to be done his way, but it just wasn't always the best way to go about things.

"Hi my dear!" Ten gave her a kiss on both her cheeks. "Looking good! Heard from Taeyong you have a boyfriend now."

She was going to kill Taeyong.

"You look hot, Ten. I love your shirt! Are the girls throwing themselves at you again?" she grinned.

Ten grimaced. "I seriously don't want to talk about it."

"You're so handsome, I don't blame them you know." she pinched his cheek. He laughed.

"About the report you emailed me." he started.

"I saw your email. But i don't wanna talk about work tonight, Ten. Can we just have fun?" she pouted.

"Fine. I'll call you on Monday. Anyway i just came over to say hi and tell you how good you're looking. I've to go back to the guys. I've been tasked to keep an eye on Jaehyun tonight. He's being a little heavy with the drinking."

"I'm sorry, is this seat taken?" they turned to look. Mark.

"Hello stranger." Y/N grinned. Mark looked adoringly at her.

"I promise I won't tell anyone." said Ten, slipping away. "Your boyfriend won't ever find out!"

"What's wrong with him?" mark asked.

"He's been tasked with babysitting Jae."

"Oh man. Dude must be in a totally angsty mood now."

"Yeah this party isn't helping, you know. It's like Yuta rubbing in his face, 'I got a promotion, Jaehyun! I got a promotion! Yay!!!'"

"And you're drinking?" he tasted her gin and tonic. "You can't even handle the alcoholic content of Kombucha."

"Mark Lee! I swear to god! I was not tipsy on Kombucha that time. You need to stop telling that story to everyone. I can hold my liquor!" Y/N faked strangled him as he giggled.

Their eyes met. And the laughing stopped.

"I missed you." he said.

"You were the one who refused to talk to me. For two fucking weeks, Mark Lee! Two weeks!" she chided.

"You didn't talk to me either."

"I wanted to give you space."

"Thanks. I needed time to think."

"Are you done thinking?"

"Yeah.

"What's the conclusion."

"I agree with you guys that we need to discuss no-go areas. We can do that when I'm back."

"Ok. As long as your mind is not fucked up like that time... "

"It was just one time, Y/N! Just one time!"

"I'm just teasing you baby. Im glad therapy has helped you feel more grounded." She smiled. "I'm proud of your progress you know."

"I miss you calling me baby." he grabbed her hand.

"Mark, people are watching. I bet Kun's watching us now." she scanned the room, catching Kun's eye at the other side of the bar where he was with Lucas and Doyoung. Kun, realising he had been caught watching, looked away after shaking his head.

"Idiot." she cursed. "Maybe we should put on a show to irritate him."

Mark giggled.

"I can't believe Lucas and Doyoung are hanging out." Y/N nudged Mark, whose eyes grew huge upon realising that they were indeed siting together.

"Lucas fucking hates him, yo!"

"Well Doyoung doesn't like Lucas much either. Which makes this funny."

"Half the people here don't like the other half. They're all pretending."

"So are you pretending to like me too Mark Lee?"

"What do you think, Y/N?"

"You love me." she grinned.

"Well you love me too." he winked then stiffened. This conversation was getting odd. Y/N looked away.

They spent the evening in a comfortable silence, watching the party get rowdier and rowdier as more people joined. Some people started to bring out the magical stuff and it was downhill from there.

Y/N knew she was done for the night when she needed the rest room, only to enter it and find Yuta with his lady bent over the sink, him screwing her. She froze, they stopped to look at her, eyes dilated from whatever drug they had taken.

"Er. Hi guys!" she chirped awkwardly.

"Y/N!!!" Yuta exclaimed excitedly as Madam giggled. "Hi Y/N!"

"Bye!" she grinned.

she turned around stomping off. She needed to pee. Badly. There was only one person who could help her.

"Taeyong!" She yelled as she stomped towards him. He was talking to Mark and Taeil. All three of them looked at her.

"Hmm. Someone looks crossed." Taeyong teased. She wasn't in the mood for teasing.

"I need to pee urgently, but your two best friends are in there screwing. You're the only person who can sort this out, Tae! Please, put your tyrant nature to good use?"

Mark laughed hysterically as Taeil shook his head and smiled.

"Your wish is my command, Miss Y/N" Taeyong laughed before strding to the female restroom to scare them out.

"And you thought your unit was dysfunctional." Taeil said to Y/N who burst out laughing.

Taeyong came back after completing his task, and Y/N raced to the washroom, glad to finally be able to pee. She washed her hands, and was touching up her lipstick when she heard Mark's voice.

"Er. Y/N?" He stood at the door awkwardly.

"Mark, what the heck?"

"I think we should leave. A fight broke out."

"what happened?"

"I think Jaehyun challenged Yuta to a fist fight."

Y/N sighed. Maybe Taeil was right about his unit. And yes, it was time to call it a night. But she was hungry.

"Supper?" she asked Mark. His eyes lit up as he nodded his head.

[bakvhatsv]

doc talk

i’ve got osteoarthritis + a shit-ass spine. i doled out $1702 in full. i’ll be getting injections until mid october and i start SUPARTZ next week. injections three times a week till september, then twice a week till i finish out. every. week. monday wednesday thursday, then just wed thurs.

i’m just glad everyone at the clinic is nice. ive gotten 11 injections so far. 4 in my neck, 5 in my mid back, and twice in my knee. and i still have to get stuck in my low back, glutes, and hips. finishing out is just gonna be physical therapy and injections. so far, i’ve been adjusted every visit, too. and im NOT very excited about the massage therapy, but if it helps, i guess i gotta. 

i get so anxious before every appointment. and now im out almost 2k, so i BETTER go to every single one, or there was no fuckin’ point shellin out all my emergency money. 

i’ll probably throw up another commission post soon. since im moving next month or the month after and living on my own. i just hope my car doesn’t shit out on me next, otherwise i’m absolutely screwed. BUT HEY, if im not in so much pain, maybe i can just get a second god damn job and afford a car payment on top of rent and bills 

[159potterhead]

(this is reply to first ask)

I mean I get it she might have a fight with her sister or not liked her. But messing with food is not right. Yes it is courage to me. I wish I could do that. You make big sister instinct sound very much like mother instinct when child is in trouble. Yeah. We don't have lockers either. I hope you never to experience these kind of thing. It's better to stay in dark.

****

[This is for second one]

(don't tempt me I can do 10 pages coz this Dean Winchester hasn't been open about all these stuff)

WHERE WERE YOU ALL THIS TIME??? I could really use some therapy like this. YOU GET ME!!! Im gonna cry😭😭😭😭😭😭

Why haven't I told you this before??? It feels much better now, you're a saviour. Let me hide under the dining table so I can cry some more. If you hear someone weeping just ignore it.😭😭😭

Yeah. All those people in same room coz of that lecture and that was the time when he called me to read out the list.

YES!! EXACTLY?!!!! You understand me!!! That was my reaction too! Dude, I have every reason to avoid you!!! It was really brutal and he was standing just beside me, telling me to read louder and that he can't hear me. No matter how I hard I tried my voice was not gonna be audible till back and he was like I couldn't move on to the next word until everyone heard the previous one. Now, I know how people feel when Gordon Ramsay is standing on their head and yelling at them. He is very insane. And I was also suprised to find out he kept that list. By 3rd or 4th word I was about to cry idk if he noticed break in my voice or what, I was barely managing to hold it together I didn't wanna cry in front of all those people. Then he took the paper and was like go, so I went very fast. I hate to even think about that day. (I wouldn't have told anyone this but I'm anon so no one knows me and it feels better to share)

I don't think he gets about anxiety. Also, I've to talk to him to tell him and I've never talked to him besides answering what he asks or when there's some task I have to do. I also thought that coz I didn't went for few days so he must have realised. And my friends told me that they come looking for me one day idk why. I was very much relieved after he stopped all that crazy hide and seek. Now, you get it. That's why I'm so done with guys. Seriously, I would never do this to anyone if I was a guy.

None taken. My school was all rainbows and unicorns and I wasn't expecting college to a do or die situation. What I think is over here we have very disciplined school system and in college they just leave it up to students like do whatever pleases you that's why everything is so fucked up. Professors are in their own world they don't interfere between students, there's a huge gap between us. They will only help in studies related stuff. Over here, all the colleges have that third button rule and one of my friend who's in other college her seniors give them a dress code which they are supposed to follow. They once told them to wear yellow pants on every Monday, even the guys, so that is funny I think.

(I laughed real hard at that tag😂😂😂 this is a lovely song that I heard in how I met your mother. It's called la vie en Rose)

🎶hold me close and hold fast this spell you cast this is la vie en rose. When you kiss me heaven sighs and though I close my eyes I see la vie en rose🎶

I second that. then let’s unionize and become the warriors of today, running on mother instincts🤝 yeah I hope so too, i’m sorry you did got a taste though💔

*** (I won’t tempt you, but we both know that dean is the most repressed soab on this planet...)

SJDISKK I WAS HERE, WHERE WERE YOU??! i’ll always be available for some therapy talks babe, whenever you need it, hmu😚 noooo dont cryyyy😭😭😭

idk!!! but in your defense, we just met barely two months ago. althouh it feels like i’ve know you forever!! i’m glad you feel better now, my beloved<3 and nooo i’m not a saviour, I was just being a friend I suppose? yeah like i’m gonna hear you cry and just not care. i’ll be joining you with a fresh batch of warm cookies and a dvd player so we could watch lotr💖✨

LITERALLYYY!!! woah he really won’t stop, will he?? pls that gordon ramsay example-💀 oh how very noble of him to let you go, after what though!?😒😒 I don’t blame you for not wanting to recall that memory, just hearing about it sounds awful enough, I can’t imagine how it must’ve been for you. ( talking sometimes is relieving, and yeah being anon is helpful)

won’t be surprised. oooh, so he did realize the toll of his actions, huh? If only he was quicker to that realization. now I get it. seriously, I don’t blame you at all. thank god for girl, am I right?;) I don’t think anyone should do that to anyone periodt.

oh so it’s all cause they’ve given authorization to the students? wait ALL the colleges??? I thought it was only yours that has that stupid rule. a dress code? seriously?? ohhh so they’re doing it for fun? if everyone’s on board, and it’s fun for everyone, I guess that’s alright.

(😂😂👀 ooo another song from that show)

also did you see this post of mine?

🎶when you press me to your heart, I'm in a world apart where roses bloom. and when you speak angels sing from above, everyday words seem to turn into love songs🎶💕

[survivor-tierradelfuego]

Ep. 8: “The leftovers. The unchosen ones. The losers.” - Najwah

Cody A. 

https://youtu.be/OSh0mvYBSwo

James Hayden

We just got back from tribal and Ryan was blindsided 3-1. I feel bad for the guy because he had no idea this was going to happen, but that' Survivor for you. I thought there'd be a merge at 13, but Jay's questions at tribal put some doubt in my mind. If it's not a merge, then I think I'm an ok spot if my tribe has to go back to tribal. I'm just praying to the Survivor ORG gods for a merge today or tomorrow.

Cody A. 

https://youtu.be/sg4qe6MUjJU

James Hayden

https://youtu.be/oGcQdHpBzhY

Zack M

i don't know how they did it but let's take a moment to shout out james and najwah making it through tribal! no idol needed. im so proud of them. i feel like james will gladly come back to our original alliance once we merge but najwah's commentary always leaves me feeling uneasy. no offense but like do you want to play with anyone, najwah? lol. you have to somewhat trust someone at some point in this game. i would love to work with najwah for as long as possible if she is still around after the merge but unfortunately all of the comments that have been made throughout the game will keep me from promising her anything longterm out of fear that she will run around like a crazy person at merge. also, i believe that she will be the first person to mention my name from hanuha in hopes of it becoming a big move that she could put on her resume. maola doesn't know me yet. i guess they could see me as a threat because of being picked as a captain but like i don't consider maddison a threat. lol. pedro and kalle seem to want revenge. i think it would be fun to get her out first at merge. i'm just rambling now. i'm hungry. we got the new challenge. it's some mini online games or something like that. idk. i'm not a gamer so i was like i have therapy and can't do this bye. i wonder if they think i'm making up my therapy sometimes but like if you guys have ever questioned it i promise i'm not. i have it monday, wednesday, and fridays lol. anyways, cody pedro and kalle are playing. i really only trust me and ben so like fml. hopefully pedro and kalle understand that they are playing for their lives and we win again. fingers crossed. ok i'm going to get chicken tenders. bye. 

James Hayden

Things post tribal did not go according to plan. I would've put money on us merging tonight, but instead we have another tribe challenge. There's a small part of me that thinks Edge of Extinction is play in this season. After this challenge, we will be down to 12 people and seasons post 30 that have a 20 person cast merge at 13. I think there's a chance we do merge at 13, but the 13th person is the Edge returnee. 

As far as this challenge is concerned, video games aren't my strong point. I'm not a gamer, but these games are pretty straight forward. If we have to go back to tribal I'm voting Amy. Voting out Najwah would hurt my game because it would show the rest of Hanuha that I'm not #Hanuhastrong and it would tie us back up at 6 original Hanuha and 6 original Maola. Voting out Amy gives us a 7-5 advantage heading into a potential merge, shows I'm #Hanuhastrong, and weakens Maddison who I think was the ringleader of Maola 1.0. 

Najwah

Last night's tribal was interesting and actually the hardest tribal council. Ryan started a group with James and I 7 minutes after Palena was formed which already made us weary of him. He then tried to blindside me and made me believe he's blindsiding Amy and asked me about James and his previous alliance and it was just a mess. He's an awesome person and great team player but it was just too much scrambling and we all feared he'd flip flop throughout the game, which is dangerous. I'm trying not to use this space as therapy sessions lmao so I'll keep it short. Uhm, I think i have a good thing going with Amy and James. I just really hope we win this challenge, or rather, don't come last so that I can work with them going forward. Amy let me know she has a steal a vote and I told her about my fake idol and we'd like to work together. I really like these two people. A LOT. I lied in tribal when I said I didn't want to keep things Hanúha strong going forward. I can't believe I have to lie and blindside now lmao its becoming HECTIC. I'm really hoping we did enough to at least place second in this challenge. 🤞🏽🤞🏽

Olivia A

I’m doing so bad at all of these games rn and I feel so bad bc I asked specifically to not sit out of this challenge. I play little phone games and stuff literally all the time and am really good at them and for some reason am just doing so so bad today. If we lose then it’s probably my fault but also my alliance of 3 is really solid rn so I’m not actually worried about getting voted off. I still feel so bad I hate this so much.

Cody A. 

https://youtu.be/8QZTwYzVqVI

Pedro A

if tomorrow is the merge IMMM GONNA DIEEEEE...we won once again..cause we the baddest.....honestly how am i still alive?...LIKE HOW??....chilllleeee

Olivia A.

Okay woah I’m so happy about this win I was so nervous. I feel like we’re in a really good place going into the merge I’m excited :)

Pedro A

i was about to write my pled for help to the 3 hanuha original members..so they could keep me over kalle...but now who cares...i will throw anyone hunder the bus ....to get to that final

Cody A.

Coming into this game being the competitor that I am, I never imagined even entertaining the idea of throwing a challenge.... BUT when Ben came to me with the idea of making a big move on Zack, I’d be lying If I said I didn’t think about it.. That being said however, I didn’t throw it, but I also did not try as hard as I could have.... I’m very surprised we are not talking to Jay at tribal right now.. Moving forward though, we need Zack.. I need Zack.. If we are merging tonight it is strictly a numbers game from here. I am ready to get my hands dirty, make big moves, and WIN THIS DAMN GAME!!!

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXbaQPdhQw0&feature=youtu.be

Najwah

After that whole challenge experience and this entire week, I don't even know what to say. It's been a tiring experience. Being on a tribe where no one really connects is the worst. I tried telling James that the other tribes were highly competitive but for some reason he was okay with his scores? This entire week I've barely had any sleep. Even now, it's almost 5am and people are just on our tribe, OKAY with low scores? We were doomed from the beginning. The leftovers. The unchosen ones. The losers. Honestly, it messes with you psychologically too. I'm tired of scrambling and relying on tribemates to make an effort. I wanted to work with Amy but she's so difficult to get hold of/unresponsive even though we are on similar timezones. James is hellbent on keeping it Hanúha strong and really, hope he isn't playing me. My heart honestly cannot deal any betrayal so close to merge, I'd also like to just enjoy my Saturday. I deserve to be on the merge tribe. Will most likely be at the bottom ass of the tribe but I want to be in it, nonetheless. I worked for it. And right now, I'm exhausted. Annoyed. Frustrated. Fucking mad. This tribe swap has honestly been DRAINING. Everyone is too nice and meek and people just don't care about winning lol.  I hate the anxiety and sleeplessness of these past few days. I forgot what life was like before this ORG lol what did I do? I miss Leanne, still. The best person in this game. I hate it here. I just want to get to merge and be able to breathe again. 

Sarah

Ahhhhh I can’t believe our tribe, Maola, won the challenge by so much. I legit thought we were going to lose and didn’t have high enough scores. Aimee freaking killed it on her scores, wow. I have been telling Aimee how to buy the small perfume bottles that give you advantages and where to get coins to buy them. She used FIVE on that challenge yesterday (I wouldn’t have used all five butttt). Part of my strategy during this tribe swap has been buying/playing advantages so we don’t have to go to tribal because I still don’t know who is close to who, and the more I’m with this tribe the more I feel like they really just don’t talk to each other and there’s not much gameplay happening. Part of my strategy with convincing Aimee to buy and use advantages was also so I know how many coins she has because that can come in handy at Merge. I also wanted to give her information about the idol hunt (which I got from others— I’ve never actually idol hunted not knowing where or what I was getting) so she could trust me. I FREAKING hope tomorrow is the Merge! How awesome would it be for our original tribe to have the majority and for me to still have an idol. I feel like after this tribe swap, Cody and I will be in the best position in the game when it comes to all of our connections with people. We have our group with Zack and Ben, I feel close with James and now Aimee, and Cody feels close with Najwah. So we really are kind of in the middle and as long as people don’t find out about how close we are, we can just get all the information from others and share with each other. I guess I won’t stop posting a brick.... sorry. 

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjWjJwew7rc

Zack M

welp. i think this is it. could we finally be merging tonight after tribal? or are we swapping to two tribes of 6? that would be super lame. all i know is something is happening and i'm glad because i've been so bored in this tribe. we keep winning. there's no reason to play. i need action. the third tribe that starts with a p is going to tribal again. i don't remember the name. hopefully james and najwah stay hanuha strong so we can go into the merge 7 / 5. if najwah turns she will be my #1 target. she's too dangerous for my game to allow her to run around. other than that ... we came in second during the last competition. we were so lucky. the maola tribe killed it. i wish i would have played because our teams scores were low key pathetic. the p tribe could have beat us if all their players had participated. like is kalle even playing the game? is she here? i talked to her once. i know i should reach out in case it is the merge but it almost feels pointless. i'm sure she will run back to the 3 girls in maola. pedro seems to legit want revenge for john and is open to work together. i hope he isn't lying because i truly do want to take him as far as i can. look, i know i'm talking kind of cocky but i believe in acting in the way you want things to go. i'll be a clown if i'm blindsided. i don't mind. i like clowns. however, this is the way i see it going down in my head ... - we stay hanuha strong - we get out the 3 girls from maola - we get out kalle - we take out aimee and kalle - we take out pedro and james - we then take out sarah - then we have ben cody and i at finale 3 just how we planned it it could honestly work. we just have to figure out idols and make sure no one plays them correctly. and that's where i'm at right now. wish me luck. 

Aimee

http://rebloggy.com/post/gif-pokemon-cute-anime-kawaii-charmander-s01e01/106470386286 Happy dance! I’m all for keeping this tribe together. Haha I may have gone a little over board on making sure I did my best on the flash games, but you really never know what the other tribe is going to be doing or getting on these challenges. I hope this doesn’t make me look like a challenge threat if I make it to merge. Sarah has really helped me with idol hunting and finding coins and where to find the advantages. This is great trust building! Thanks Hanuha for the free coins I yoinked from one of your bags at your camp.😏 After everything that happened in the last tribe and despite me voting for her, Sarah and I have really come a long way! I truly had the wrong read on her before. She is actually now someone I am very close with and get along well! Last night after we won immunity she told me she really wants to work with me moving forward in the game! Let’s do it girl! I really enjoy talking to Grae. They seem really genuine and such a kind-hearted person. They keep giving me little messages that seem to hint at wanting to work together. I think at this point it’s unspoken but we both know we would love to. We just get along so well. I also vibe really well with Maddison and I know she could be a very good ally in the future in this game. Olivia proved she is a total team player on this tribe and listened to our advice during the immunity challenge and really stepped up her scores! I am having such a much better time on this tribe and am really enjoying myself. These relationships feel WAY more organic. I will do what I can to help keep this going! I would love to see all of us make it to merge. I’m also so so happy Najwah is still in the game after her last tribal and hopes she makes it through the next tribal!

James Hayden

We are 45 minutes away from tribal and Najwah messaged me saying Amy is ok. We were worried about her because she's been MIA over the past couple days. Per Najwah, Amy will not play her vote steal. It sounds like Amy wants out of the game and if this is what she wants, I will oblige. There's a small part of me that thinks Amy is playing us, but I don't think that's the case. 

Maddison

Everyone is expecting a merge tonight, and original Maola is down in numbers. Hoping I can find cracks and worm my way in. 

Pedro A

SO i told everything to zack......he seems to rule that allience....so he will 100% tell the others....and will try to take grae and maddison out...

Pedro A

Grae and Maddison just create fake alliences.so people dont write their name down....and make people feel safe... AND im here to make justice for john PERIODTTTT.... #justiceforjohn

Ben Kessler

I hope we are merging. Pedro is out for revenge against his former alliance. Zack is a threat and I need it to be known. Cody and I are hopefully solidified. If we merge, grae and maddison are apparently big threats according to Pedro. So that is fine with me. Just gotta keep making sure the people I'm closest with stay in.

Kalle N

hey I'm super high rn and I don't remember if I did this already or not so her I go. I hope we merge soon so I can vote people out that have wronged me. can't believe we won the last challenge even after I did basically nothing. ok gtg ily bye

Amy A

So this round has been tough. My Internet issues were definitely the reason my tribe lost and I wanted to quit cos I felt so terrible but I think Najwah and I can do something with my steal a vote. I’ll steal hers and vote James so no one will suspect we’re working together and then go into the merge with our little secret alliance. Bliss 

Olivia A

I’m excited for merge but not sure if we’ll able to get numbers together and have a majority.

Najwah

All I know is that shit is going to hit the fan at this tribal and I'm scared as hell. Only three of us. You'd think it would be easier but it's terrifying. 

Cody A

https://youtu.be/QM4CiTbrjgw

Pedro A

im scared of the merge...scared of the girls allience...scared of me being a target...for being a wild card ...and scared of maddison and graeee.....kill me at this point

[silentiumlitwicks]

Spending the holidays being deadnamed indirectly called fat and inevetie conversations of family members trying to pry into my sex life on top of dropping out of school running away figuring out my gender/sexuality this year sucks and I want to die but Dylan makes me not want to do but

What am I ever going to achieve no employer will keep me hired because my mental processing is too slow and I dissociate frequently and my feet are giving out on me

To be 100% honest I don't think there's a god eatchibg is because if there was so many things that have happened wouldn't

Im just glad I have Dylan and roof over my head I don't care that I've been here almost 3 months and didn't have a bed till Monday

But it just feels so much that I have to physically hurt in order to release the negative shit and then feel worse

I hope I can get back into therapy I need it

[dalish-empress]

tbh hanging around ppl who smoke every day n do coke on weekends is so bad for me, bcs like i know how easy i fall into these patterns, like i have been fucked up every weekend in like what 5 weeks now? but i also don’t know what impulse control is rn n god i’m actually looking forward 2 therapy monday bcs my friend set me up w one of our high school “friends” who’s still dealing in our city n im just so glad i have social anxeity rn lol bcs it is the only thing stopping me from smoking on weekdays too :)))))

[zykjhrzqkn1h4m3xyine]

8/02/2019

So I woke up at like 6:40. My skin has been really bad lately. I might need to eat the medicine again. It's been really dry and rough, it used to be so soft. My lips are also really dry. Im really upset about this. I think on Monday I was having a panic attack, but I didn't get the tingles. Crap I forgot to bring my laptop, I was supposed to bring my laptop today, god damn it. I'm so disorganised. I should've written that down. Crap I also forgot to join all my classes, why am I remembering all this now? Do you think that this was Ameera's plan all along? To make me leave the group so she could have Gabby to herself? Ameera would do that. I also forgot to bring my sport uniform.

I just came back from the therapist. A few things, she told me to contribute more to the household, and for me to sleep earlier. I wish I got to talk more about how much I crave validation. But I feel like if I told her about that, she would just tell me basically "that's not good, stop doing that." It doesn't actually change my thinking patterns. I don't know, it's not like I'm mentally ill or anything so I don't think I need therapy. My mom definitely needs it more. Like her telling me that I don't have depression, I know I should be happy, but I feel like such a fool for believing that I did, and now I still feel I do, even though I don't. Even the school counsellor told me that she though I didn't. I need to see her in a week's time. Anyway, yeah I just don't feel validated, and I just feel dumb for thinking that I did. And if I told my therapist that, she would just tell me "Thats not good." When I was taking to mac on the day that I was crying about my mum he said "That’s a lot, lot worse then I thought. I do agree that she does need therapy - more then you? I wouldn’t know but possibly. She may of had a bad yes, but all though it doesn’t excuse her actions. Yes I know she has mental illness I understand she may not be able to control it. And she has got extreme, extreme, extreme expectations for you, I don’t know how you can do it all. And very few shops hire 13 years olds (I’m attacking you). I honestly feel so bad for you, not just you but you may make you think I’m on your Mums side but I feel bad for her as well and your dad being in all this. It’s all a tough situation. And the thing about the life skills, it’s not your fault you don’t know and do things you don’t know and don’t need to know. At least you tried to change the topic, s,art although didn’t work. O can’t express how bad I feel for you three, and you of course. Just so you know you are nit useless! You are a truly nice person and knows a lot and puts a lot of hard work in. At least your dad tried to help both you. I really hope she doesn’t *do it* (suicide).

If I was more your mum I’d be proud, you’ve done a lot. And you study a lot which is very goood! Sorry for me taking a while and I may have missed some stuff."

While everything else was just kind of iffy, the first sentence where he said "that's a lot lot worse than I expected, that really satisfied me and made me feel better. But if I say that I'm stupid and someone validates me and agrees, I feel dumb, it's probably because in those situations what I want people to say is "you're not dumb." But that was happened where I want people to deny it, and when they do, I still don't feel satisfied. Anyway it's the weekend so I don't know what to do.

Let's talk about my school counseling experience. This happened in period 1, I was called out in visual design, and I basically talked about what I talked to my therapist today, about my panic attacks and life at home. I'm actually glad that the counseling asked so I could tell her about what happened at home. Yeah she was really nice to talk to. Much more comfortable than my therapist. I don't know if it was because of the environment or she seemed more empathetic, but she seemed nicer. She advised me to talk to my therapist about the panic attacks.

Maybe the reason I like being told how bad my situation is, is simply because I want to be the victim. Maybe it's because I take things too personally.

My mom called