#going shopping with my parents is very exciting since i dont see them often now and the pandemic made it worse

[ophexis]

since i move out just before the pandemic, once it started becoming a little bit safer my parents have started taking me out shopping for like my bdays and stuff bc it was a bit hard for me to access shopping centers and I'M GOING SHOPPING TOMORROW AS PART OF MY CHRISTMAS GIFT AND I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

[heyitsyn]

MANAGER!SEIJOH AU

a/n: this is kind of an au like what if you were

for more seijoh content, check this masterlist out!

anon:

- 🥺👉🏻👈🏻 i would like to request a seijoh!manager reader who’s a first year and is siblings with ushi and the team’s reaction to finding out that she was supposed to go to shiratorizawa with ushi and their reaction with her getting along with the shiratorizawa volleyball team and maybe the manager is a small cute soft little energetic ball of sunshine 🥺🥺 also hewwo, hope youre doing well! ☺️ -🎷🐛

- Ir seijoh manager series is so gooood. Can we get something where by some weird reason yn-chan is close to ushijima and tendou and the seijoh boys dont know about it and how they'd react to her being so affectionate w them ahahwindkdn

EVERYONE SHUT UP AND LOOK AT HOW FREAKING PRETTY TENDOU IS LIKE AKLFDJLASKFJDLSKFJDSFLKD

okayokayokay

so this is a what if thing

like what if ushijima was your older brother

SLKFDJADFLIJSDKLDF I CAN ALREADY IMAGINE OIKAWA SCREAMING

you didnt exactly have the best relationship with your mom

you remember when you were younger that she used to yell at your brother for using his left hand and you got angry a lot because you were fiercely protective of your brother

this caused her to yell at you too for being nosy and being involved in something you shouldnt be in

duh we know that ushi’s dad takashi actually supported him for this and protected him too and you were also a papa’s girl so you always ran to him

he understood you both better and while your mother worked, he was at home taking care of you two

then when they mentioned wanting to separate, you were very sad but somewhat relieved

mostly because you hated hearing your parents arguing and you felt bad for your brother as he constantly did whatever to get you out of the house

thats what brought on your love for volleyball

you werent exactly the best player but you were interested in it and often watched matches with him

but you also liked volleyball because your brother liked it

you liked whatever your brother liked

he adored you too and he was a boy who didnt talk much due to your mother but he was always a talker with you

especially when you couldnt sleep, he would sneak you out of your room and you both would run to the kitchen and eat ice cream

even with just a 2 year age difference, he looked as if he was older than you due to his massive height

‘just wait nii-chan! i will drink enough milk to reach your height!’

*insert lenny face*

AKLDJFSLDKFJDF I HATE MYSELF

CAN I PLEASE DIE

however

when they divorced, you thought your father would take both you and ushi

like the lady at the court even asked you where you wanted to go and not a breath of hesitation you chose your father

you weren’t very concerned because you knew your brother was going to choose your dad as you both were closer to him

so imagine your surprise when he said he didnt care and naturally, the mother would get the child

lowkey you felt hella betrayed and when your dad whisked you away overseas, there was this grudge you held against toshi

yall youre like 5

i would be hella mad too if my brother chose the person who yells at him all the time

in california, your father made sure you still remembered your brother and you tried to detach from the japanese lifestyle to your new one but you just couldnt

maybe around 6 years you were already fed up with the hot california heat and you wanted to go back to japan to see toshi again

you got over that grudge years ago but your mother refused to have any contact or anything to do with your father and so that included you too

she refused to let you both video chat and any type of connection

your dad obviously noticed your sad expressions and your obvious longing to go back to your brother again and so he arranged something

you shut the door gently before taking off your shoes by the doorway

the large house was often quiet except for the constant typing of a keyboard in your father’s study

‘tadaima’

you meekly mumbled but his sense of hearing never wavered so he heard your voice

‘oh? y/n?’

his voice echoed through the hallways and you heard his chair squeak as it was moved back so he could stand

your sock-cladded feet padded against the hard wood floor and you walked towards his study where indeed he was standing there

your father has definitely aged yet his job as a coach made him as fit as he was decades ago

as much as it disgusted you, you could tell what your friends meant when they said your dad was good-looking

they actually said your dad was hot but you refuse to acknowledge that

you and your friends are like 12 tf

you closed the door and sat down on the loveseat at the corner of the room as it was your designated spot

‘hey, papa’

you greeted with a smile and he gave you the same grin

‘i ordered f/f (favorite food) for dinner tonight so try and listen for the bell to ring, okay?’

you nodded

there was bit of small talk and you asked about his team while he asked about school and you both arranged to hang out over the weekend at some ice cream shop

the conversation dragged on until you heard the doorbell and you ran to the door to answer the delivery man

your dad put out the plates on the table and you excitedly dug in

‘also, you remember your grandmother? and her terrible back?’

oh god of course you did

they lived about 30 minutes away from your house in japan and she constantly worried your father bc the woman was approaching 90 and was still picking peppers!

with old coach ukai

‘what did she do now?’

your father chuckled at the exasperation in your voice

‘she misses you. says something about the family’s princess needing to go back to her country or something’

there was a smile in your face

your grandmother was your favorite and she always said you were the princess

she hated your mother because of how insensitive she was so she only acknowledged you as the only other female in the family

obviously your brother was also liked but there was just a special bond between you and your grandmother

‘so when are we going back?’

you asked and it was clear that you were excited at the thought of going back to japan as you havent been back since you moved due to your father’s busy job and your school

takashi swallowed his food before revealing the news

‘actually, if you want, you could finish your schooling there. but only until college first though because your old man needs you over here too’

nah bro you didnt even care about the last part

literally your fork fell to the table and you shrieked 

‘WHAT?! SERIOUSLY?!’

and thus brought you back to japan

you stayed with your grandmother on your dad’s side and you quickly got accustomed back to japan life

OH

your BROTHER!

okay

so waka-chan def heard you coming back

your mother was grumbling about it the other day and he was sure he heard your name in there

‘sdkfjkdslfjdkslfj y/n dkfjlsdkfjldkf’

LMAO THATS ME TRYING TO SAY THAT WAKA COULDNT UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE SAID SINCE SHE WAS MUMBLING SHE WASNT KEYBOARD SMASHING LMAO

there was a mutual giddiness in there too and he was excited to see you again after many years without contact

however

there was a bit of fear in there that thought back to when you were younger and his choice of not really having a specific parent despite your pleads to stay together with him

but he was going to make sure your bond was still intact!

he would do anything in his power to do so!

when you arrived

your dad accompanied you back to japan and you both were walking out to the exit of the airport when you saw your grandmother excitedly waving a sign around

in bold sparkly letters, it said ‘USHIJIMA’

okay wait i love grandma usui 

you quickly ran over to her and she grasped you into her arms

‘nana’

you sobbed and she hugged you tightly

‘im so happy youre back home’

your father shook hands with the friend she brought to help drive you guys back home

old man ukai was basically the chauffeur but hes really good friends with your nana so it was okay

the entire ride you guys basically caught up with each other and you couldnt help but laugh whenever your dad would go on a rant about your grandma being too reckless and your nana defending herself

‘oh stop it, takashi. i was only given one life and if it’s over, it’s over. for now, ill live it how i see fit!’

your old family home was exactly as you remember it but you didnt expect the 6′2 boy in the living room

‘nii-chan’

you meekly whispered and he let out a soft smile before opening his big arms

you ran into them and he held you tightly

‘i missed you. so much’

he whispered and you nodded 

it was def such a nice thing to have your brother again

oooo your dad been knew that you would be sticking to waka like you did when you were itty bitty young

so when you practically begged waka to stay at your nana’s house the entire summer, he couldnt refuse you

duh your mom went to see you but you just quietly sat there and smiled at her

polite but distant

due to being around waka so much, you naturally went to his volleyball practices and their training camp

there

you met his friends and you guys quickly got acquainted especially with tendo bc he was just so fun

and he was your brother’s boyfriend best friend

the others were still kinda distant with you ahem ahem im looking at you shirabu

but they were mostly amazed at how powerful the genetics played in your appearances because wowza you were beautiful

lmao dont let waka hear them say that bc they would be benched all season in a single snap

during training camp, you usually sat at the sides or you would be their stand-in manager

goshiki absolutely LOVES you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOSHIKI MY SON MY BABY

him and you were the same age so there was an easier way of being friends and your energies just matched so well

he would run up to you whenever he got a play right and you would ruffle his hair affectionately

LADKSJFLDSKFS FLASHBACK TO TENDO!SISTER X GOSHIKI

‘y/n-chan!’

‘y/n-chan!’

‘y/n-chan!’

hell even ushi was getting annoyed at goshiki’s constant need for you

tendo would steal you away and he would be giggling to you about how adorable you were and you just giggled along bc wow this beautiful man is really talking to me right now

ALKSDJFLKSF CAN YOU TELL IM ALSO A TENDOODOO SIMP?

‘cmere, y/n-chan. i taught toshi this the other day and he was very impressed and wanted me to do it again. okay so it goes in a rhyme, ya ready?’

you nodded along and he shot you a close-eyed smile before starting to draw on the dirt with a stick

‘there once was a man with-’

lets just say

you were definitely your brother’s sister

sometimes though

you would try and go towards the calmer players to get away from the rowdiness from baby daddy tendo and baby goshiki

you would find them at the gym just doing drills and at the sight of you, they would turn red but continue playing

they didnt really mind seeing you there bc youve always been such a positive energy and cheered them on which gave them strength

‘NICE ONE OHIRA-SAN!’

‘WAHHH SO COOL YAMAYAMA-SAN!’

you were like a cute ball of serotonin >o<

‘wah, of course its expected for you guys to be the top in the prefecture. youre like,,,,, silent but deadly~!’

duh a compliment from a girl?

dead

shirabu’s bangs would get in the way of his vision sometimes yall i will never stop making fun of that ridiculously adorable haircut so you would use a clip and tuck it away for him

this big babie is so awkward that he turns red when you whisper in his ear that you were done

semisemi baby and you got along bc you guys had a similar taste in music and because you lived in california, he was fascinated that you were in the music capital of america

‘did you see celebrities down the street?’

he asked you excitedly one day during lunch

you stopped then smiled softly

‘semisemi-kun, i didnt live at that part of california’

nah to him, america is just filled with celebrities

OH DEAR BABY BOY KAWANISHI

taichi is a generally quiet guy

like you thought he was actually selectively mute when you first met him

but you gradually got him to talk and you would help him whenever he would want to practice

usually it was during the ungodly hours of the morning

you woke up and went to grab a drink from the common room but you noticed his large build exiting the door so you followed him into the gym

‘kawanishi-san?’

you called out and felt guilty when he jumped 

‘oh, hey’

he aknowledged

‘wha-’

you stopped to yawn causing your eyes to close making you miss the brief second of softness that flashed in his eyes

‘what are you doing?’

you tiredly asked

taichi dusted off his trackpants after kneeling down to rummage through his bag and you couldnt help but gawk at his height

‘im training early’

he answered

‘why? is it because you want to keep up with the others?’

you mumbled and he was surprised for a second but reverted back to his stoic expression

‘i have to make sure i am able to reach my seniors level for next year’

taichi turned away to grab a stray ball and you moved to go to the storage room for the ball cart

‘oi, what are you doing? go back to bed’

he said from the other side of the gym but you just looked back at him with a tired grin

‘meh, i want to spend time with you, senpai’

you reasoned

he shook his head before walking over to you then ruffled your hair

‘no wonder youre so tiny. you dont sleep enough and let your body grow’

yep that was the closest youve gotten to taichi joking with you

usually, hes training and when hes in the zone, nothing else has his attention but the ball

maybe thats why the others ahem goshiki has said that he was very scary

his game face was practically a mean face

basically you spent the entire training camp with them and then soon, you were going back to school

duh everyone hmm maybe not shirabu bc he most definitely read the school book of rules thought you would be going to shiratorizawa with them 

but you broke the news to them one afternoon and imagine the tears from both tendo and goshiki

‘WHHYYYY!!!!’

‘NOOO!!!!!’

‘why can’t you?’

semi asked and you were about to answer when shirabu beat you to it

‘the school doesnt allow late transfers’

oh right

the american school system was set in a different schedule than a japanese school system

it was considered the summer for them yet school already started a few months ago

since shiratorizawa was a very academically and physically prestigious school, they refused anyone who would potentially be late or behind their curriculum

‘so where ya headed to then, chibi?’

tendou pouted and you leaned against his arm

‘hmm some school named aoba johsai? i dont know its near my grannie’s so that’s all that mattered’

oh dear

USHIJIMA NO Y/N WILL NOT ASK TOORU TO GO TO SHIRATORIZAWA

they consider seijoh a rival bc theyve played against them practically in every prefecture tournament and they were worried for that infamous setter

‘ne, y/n-chan, promise us that you won’t be swept away by them! especially a guy named oikawa tooru!’

uhhh

well

tendou’s warning was kinda ignored bc you ended up being seijoh’s manager

hehe

surprise?

but they weren’t really really shocked tho bc they knew you liked volleyball so you would naturally be in the volleyball team

even as a manager

meanwhile in seijohhh

OooOOOoOoOooooo sEiJOOhHHHH~~~~~~

okay so you were actually registered under your father’s last name usui rather than the ushijima last name

therefore you werent exactly immediately known as HEY! USHIJIMA’S SISTER!

you still became the manager the way you did as mentioned in part 1 

and you still are their adorable baby manager

you were aware of their oikawa’s hatred for wakawaka so you try not to talk about him even though youre literally the closest person to him

was it traitorous? 

maybe

but you actually even help them when they practice

duh the boys are like eyebrow raise emoji 

‘wow youre really into volleyball, huh, manager-chan?’

matsukawa commented and you just smiled

‘hmm, my family likes it so ive picked up a thing or two’

LMAO

little do they know your brother is literally the best volleyball player around and is a member of the under 19 team and your father is a volleyball coach in america and would someday be someone iwaizumi hajime (19) would apprentice under

there was a lot of times you thought you would slip up like your home screen was of you and waka but youve been careful to cover it up

BUT

you cant always be sneaky

it was during the first day of the tournament and you were filling up their water bottles I SWEAR WHY IS MANAGER-CHAN ALWAYS FILLING UP WATER BOTTLES when you found a familiar bunch of boys at the end of the hallway just chatting

you havent seen tendou and the boys in so long so you placed the bottles down and rushed over there so quickly

‘TOMUTOMU!’

you shouted and the oddly-haired boy turned and he gasped before grabbing you into a large hug

this grabbed tendou’s attention and he cheered then hugged you too

your giggles and happy cheers were so infectous and they just absolutely missed you so much 

these tall boys were at a advantage so someone scooped you up and you were just affectionately being talked to and hugged and LKDSJFSLDFJ SO LUCKY SO LOVED

meanwhile

the plant babies were wondering where the heck you went to 

‘y/n-chan?! where is she?!’

oikawa panicked quickly while iwaizumi hit him to shut up

‘be quiet! you won’t find her if you’re too busy freaking out!’

‘ill find her’

matsukawa volunteered and they nodded, feeling at ease of him being capable to find you if you were in trouble

but when he returned empty-handed and with large eyes, they knew something was up

they ran behind mattsun to stop and copy his shocked expression at the sight in front of them

is that

you?

with

shi

ra

to

ri

za

wa

oh my god

‘y/n-chan!’

oikawa shouted, being the first to speak

you jumped and your own eyes widened

‘oh. oh no’

you mumbled

the others were so stunned and seijoh itself was so hard to make speechless but they were just shocked

period

‘what is happening’

iwaizumi mumbled

yea the others were just shocked period

‘hey guys’

you waved and you motioned them closer

‘uhh,,, well,,, um they are my friends’

you smiled uneasily and they could see that

‘aaand?’

oikawa signalled you to say everything bc he knew it wasnt the whole story

you sighed

‘ushi,,, jima is my brother’

you mumbled the last part

but they heard you

‘HAH?!’

you cringed and the shira boys were about to move to protect you but they saw you glare at them

‘what? what about it? hes my brother? and?’

you babbled

‘but,, why are you,, in seijoh? dont get me wrong! its just,, youd naturally go to shiratorizawa right?’

mattsun waved his hands around and asked the question thats bugging the team

‘i came to the country late’

‘THE COUNTRY?!’

well,,

turns out you havent exactly told them everything about you yet :/

even when youve cleared the air and introduced waka as your brother, seijoh still didnt say anything

they were stuck in this shocked and surprised moment even at the end of the day and when you went straight to the shiratorizawa team,

they watched with wide eyes as you laughed with goshiki and was jumping around with tendou

‘AH! TOMU! MY HAIR!’

‘TORI-SAN! SATORI-SAN! TAKE THAT!’

wow you were actually really beautiful when youre happy

‘i dont think ive seen her this happy with this much energy’

makki said and they nodded

it was true

you were usually calm and collected and was the perfect balance to this chaotic team

so seeing you so free and loose with them was so refreshing, even if it was with damn ushiwaka

you finally went back to the seijoh boys and they all sent glares to the violet team before sending you a smile

‘you ready to go, manager-chan?’

watari ruffled your hair before handing you your bag to start walking to the bus

‘yea. lets go home’

as you all walked, oikawa was already starting his tantrum

‘y/n-chan~! why aren’t you that happy around us? are we not enough for you?’

oikawa whined and pouted

but you just turned to smiled at him and stopped walking to pat his head

‘im not their manager, therefore im not pressured to act like anyone except as a friend and a spectator. but i try to be as professional as i can with you guys to make sure you dont appear bad to others. and you guys are perfectly chaotic enough, adding me into the mix will just about kill coach’

oikawa didnt seem satisfied though

‘but! thats not fair! they get to see you smile and i dont!’

iwaizumi growled at him to be quiet but you beat him to it

well

you smiled at tooru but your eyes shone maliciously

‘i knew you would act like this, oikawa-san. as punishment, i gave nii-chan your phone number. good luck avoiding him now’

oikawa screamed

a/n: AAWWWWW LETS NOT KILL COACH IRIHATA OKAY? HES LIKE OUR GRANPAPA AND PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE OIKAWA ALONE WAKAWAKA-KUN!

[liddolwhynot2000]

Chains: Part 1

____________________________________

Summary: In that moment, like a stamp on an official document, you cemented your own feelings-- you were okay and you were happy for Marie and Erwin, your own feelings be damned.

____________________________________

Pairings: Levi/Reader, Erwin/Reader

Genre: angst, longing, firm resolve

____________________________________

ChainsPt2 ChainsPt3. ChainsPt4

Drabble#1

____________________________________

When you had first met Erwin Smith, it was during his younger days as a lowly cadet. You were a barmaid back then, working at the tavern that was frequently visited by the soldiers. Looking back on it, even now, you could easily recall when you had caught sight of the handsome, young man.

He had been laughing merrily, surrounded by his friends. His blue eyes had been sparkling, cheeks flushed from the alcohol intake, hand slapping the table repeatedly. You had instantly liked the look of him, admittedly becoming a little smitten by him.

You saw him around after that, but were often too shy to approach. Your friend, Marie, was the one who usually served their table. They were never too rowdy, making them an easy table. It helped that Marie found most of them easy on the eyes.

It was on one of her sick days that you ended up encountering Erwin for the first time. The other barmaids had pushed you to serve the table, and after a pep talk with yourself and a few deep breaths, you had approached them.

Most of them were suprised to see you, no doubt having grown to expect Marie and her banter with them. Some of them, much to your surprise, looked rather stunned by the sight of you. You knew you were decently attractive but you had never gotten a reaction like this. Although, much to your slight dissapointment, you hadn't been able to catch Erwin's expression.

Maintaining your cool and politely smiling, you took their orders, ignoring how some of them stuttered. As you walked back to give their orders, you could have sworn you had felt eyes watching you.

And even thought you knew it could be anyone, a part of you had really hoped they were Erwin's.

____________________________________

After that, you didn't serve their table for a while, only accidentally making eye contact with some of them. More often then not, much to your elation, it was Erwin.

The two of you had even chatted with each other, not really friends but no longer strangers. It was usually when he was the first to arrive before his friends and lasted for just a little more then a few minutes. But it was still enough to make your heart beat too fast afterwards.

One day, Marie had asked you to help place some dishes at their table. Hiding your eagerness, you dutifully began setting the tray up.

When you approached their table, you were met with bright expressions and polite greetings. You carefully looked at everyone sitting at the table as you set the dishes down, giddily noting Erwin's smile. However, your heart had jumped in your throat when his eyes lit up, a grin breaking out.

'Why hello soldiers!'

You were caught off guard when Marie's voice rang out from behind you. The soldiers began talking to her, and you began to inch away after a meek goodbye. You kept your expression neutral, unwilling to show how you really felt as you walked away.

As you washed dishes that night, the way Erwin's expression had lit up at the sight of Marie had repeatedly flashed in your mind.

____________________________________

You kept your head down after that. You were shy and weak, but you had some self respect. Someone who harboured feelings for someone else was off limits for you, especially since it involved someome you considered your friend.

You knew Marie wouldn't turn him down if he approached her. He was handsome, polite, had good manners and considering his status in the top 10, likely to go into the military police. You knew her parents had wanted her to marry someone who could give her a good life, someone preferably in the military police. It was a match made in heaven really.

You would only ruin your friendship with Marie if you tried something. And you couldn't even begin to think of how awful it would be to get rejected by Erwin. So, with your heart locked and wrapped up in chains, you carried on with life as before.

You pretended to not care once you started noticing Marie and Erwin balantly sitting together, away from his friends. You refused to acknowledge your bitterness at the flirtatious edge of her tone, the dreamy sighs she gave when talking about him, instead choosing to smile at her and wish her well. The way he looked at her like she was his everything, and how besotted he was just by her existence, it often reinforced the tensility of the chains across your heart.

A few weeks later, when you had gone to throw the trash away in the darkness of the night, you spotted two very recognisable figures in an intimate embrace against the wall.

In that moment, like a stamp on an official document, you cemented your own feelings-- you were okay and you were happy for Marie and Erwin, your own feelings be damned.

____________________________________

Since then, you began to watch their blooming romance with a much more open heart. You still had feelings for Erwin, ones that made you feel ashamed of yourself now, but you were much more at peace with them.

Besides, it wasn't like you were in love with him. You had liked him, had wanted him to notice you, but alas, you knew your own personality was what had kept you from making an impression on him. You were too quiet, unlike Marie, who was sociable and chatty, often finding it easier then you would to get along with people. You preferred silence and books, while Marie often filled silence with pleasant and entertaining chatter. She often managed to hilariously banter with the soldiers, something you could never comfortablly pull off.

As graduation grew nearer, you could see how excited Marie was getting. Once Erwin joined the Military Police, she was planning on introducing him to her parents, which would probably lead to them getting married soon. She had already started looking wistfully at wedding dresses, envisioning the ceremony. You anticipated recieving a wedding invite any day really.

Except, you didn't. Marie quit her job the day after graduation and you only heard from her in letters afterwards. She wrote to you cheerfully enough, however there was no mention her upcoming nuptials. Although, you found yourself lacking the time needed to dwell on Marie and Erwin, for your mother had fallen ill and needed extra care and attention.

Months would go by, full of doctors visits and tears, and your mother would only get worse. She lost her sense of smell and taste, and wouldn't eat anything you had made for her. It was when she started struggling to breathe and couldn't even sit up on her own, that you lost all sense of the world around you.

By the sixth month of her illness, as you quietly slept by her bedside, her body would quietly give up on itself, only to be discovered by you in the morning.

____________________________________

A year after your mother's untimely death, you recieved an elaborate letter in the mail. You had figured that Marie and Erwin had already gotten married and you had missed it in your haze of grief, but much to your surprise, you had recieved a wedding invitation.

Taking a bite of the apple in your hand, you had slowly opened the invite, figuring you already knew what was written inside.

... You are cordially invited to the marriage ceremony of Nile Dok and Marie...

Eyes wide, you had stared at the invitation stupidly.

Looks like Marie hadn't been telling you alot.

____________________________________

The wedding was to take place next week, so you had gone a few days early to visit Marie, too curious about what exactly was going on.

Your friend had been happy to see you, apologising for not visiting. It was only when her mother had left to go to the market for some last minute shopping that the two of you finally talked about the elephant in the room.

Erwin had joined the Survey corps

The day before graduation, he had unexpectedly told Marie that he was considering it. Tensions had already been high, because his friend Nile had drunkenly confessed to Marie, leading to a big fight. At the end of the night, Marie had managed to convince him to join the Military Police, only for him to end up joing the Survey Corps the next day anyways. She had known her parents would never approve, and had ended their relationship immediately, much to his despair.

Nile, who had joined the Military Police, had approached her a few months after. He had already begun climbing the ranks and Marie knew her parents would be thrilled, so, she had accepted his marriage proposal.

'Dont you love him?'

'I loved him. But I love my parents more. He knew that.'

'I thought.. That-'

'that I would give up everything to be with him?'

You blinked in surprise, causing her to chuckle.

'I told him my priorities from the start. He chose the titans. Not me.'

You had let the topic drop after that, opting to discuss her wedding dress instead. However, the truth in her words kept ringing in your head. Erwin had decided to join the Survey Corps, knowing full well he would lose Marie.

The chain on your heart shook a little, your traitorous heart imagining for a moment of it had been you in Marie's place.

You would have supported him.

____________________________________

You hadn't seen Erwin since two days before his graduation ceremony. In fact, it had been 2 years since the last time you had seen him. You had quit your old job when a friend had offered you a job as the manager of a decent resteraunt owned by her uncle in Wall Rose. Unbeknownst to you, it was near the Survey Corps Headquarters and often visited by their soldiers.

It was during your first week there that you saw Erwin again and much to your surprise, he approached you seperately. You had noted how he had gotten taller, easily towering over your small form. He had only grown into his looks in the time you hadn't seen him and his way of speaking was eloquent as always.

You could hear the distinct clanging of those chains, trying to slowly untangle themselves, as Erwin inquired about your well being. The conversation had been short but smooth. And somehow, by the end of it, the two of you agreed to have lunch together in the near future.

You had considered it a fleeting, empty promise on his part. You doubted he would actually go out of his way to spend time with you.

You were proven wrong when 3 days later, he arrived at the resteraunt during your lunch break.

The metal in your chains began to feel brittle.

____________________________________

Another year would go by, and you settled in the new area well. You had neighbours you got along with, co workers who you worked with pleasantly. The pay had been five times what you had been making before, so you had been saving alot of money, maybe enough for a house one day.

Unexpectedly, you and Erwin had become friends. When he wasn't planning for expiditions or performing chores, he sometimes approached you. The two of you either discussed books, or sometimes ate at the resteraunt together, enjoying each others company.

You could hear the whispers, the rumours about the two of you. Everyone had assumed that this closeness between the two of you meant more, that it was romantic. You never acknowledged anything, firmly believing he was just being friendly with you.

You had given up on him ever feeling anything for you the day his feelings for Marie had become clear. Your heart was clean and you harboured no ill will. The fact that the two of you had become friends changed nothing.

You would never allow anything to happen.

If only you could get the demon rattling at those damn chains to understand that too.

____________________________________

The Survey Corps had come back from a horrible expedition, more then half of them had failed to make it back alive The crowd of civilians had thrown trash at the rest of them, cursing them out as they sadly trudged back to headquarters.

Erwin had come to you at night, drunk. He had brought a bottle of alcohol with him, drinking and ranting. His words slurred in between, but you could make out what he was saying anyways.

How he wished the higher ups would hear him out more, how much he hated sacrificing his comrades. How he couldn't sleep at night, haunted by the dead faces of his friends.

You could only pat his back to comfort him, he had rejected any hot beverage you had offered him, preferring to just drink his sorrows away.

Suddenly, Erwin had put the bottle aside and stared at you.

'Is everything oka-'

You gazed directly into his deep, blue eyes. He was in your face, you gulped as you processed his closeness, his lips inches away from yours. You could smell the alcohol he had consumed on his breath. He blinked, looking at you carefully.

It was silent as the two of you stared at each other, neither daring to move or speak.

Your eyes had widened as he leaned in a little, the chains began unravelling against your will.

You had stop to stop this right now-

'M.. Marie?'

.................

Days after the 'drunk incident', you sat on your bed, wrapped up in a warm blanket. You had just finished a book and after setting it aside, were ready to sleep.

Sighing, you tiredly smiled to yourself. You and Erwin were still friends, because that's all you had ever been. His comrades had come looking for him that night and carried him back to the barracks, leaving you in deep thought.

Erwin hadn't remembered what had happened that night, and you were glad about it. It was for the best really, because you didn't want to lose your friendship with him. Erwin was your friend who you sometimes hungout with, and you longed for nothing more regarding him.

The chains you had kept tight around your heart had loosened that night. And, with a new resolve, you had gotten rid of them completely.

You didn't know who, or when, but you would let someone in, you decided to yourself. Someone who would see you as their first choice, who would look at you in a way they had never looked at someone else.

Burning out the candle, you went to sleep with a light heart. You had no idea you would meet that person a month later.

And Levi had no idea that someone could make him feel so much with just one smile

____________________________________

A/N: Heyooo so this liddol piece of angst got stuck in my head. There's gonna be a part two where where Levi/Reader get together, it'll mostly be fluff, with some angst and drama. Hope y'all liked this! Please review and my asks are always open for requests or questions. :D

[collegecoward]

Hey, so I graduated this past May and since then I've just been working 40 hours a week. I feel like I need to go to college to do something with my life but I feel like theres so much in my way and I havent done anything to even start and I dont have a clue what I'd want to do. I'm so unsure on how to do anything regarding financial aid or even applying to colleges. I'm also worried that it wouldn't work with my schedule for my job. I work 5 days with 2 off days and I'm on evenings so I feel like I wouldn't be able to balance work and school, but I would have to bc I'm my only financial support. Sorry for the dumping my problems, but any advice?

How To Do College 101

Congratulations on your graduation! Working a full-time job after graduation (during a freaking pandemic, no less) is no small feat either, and I applaud you for that, too. Once upon a time, I was like you: I didn’t know anything about college except that I wanted to go, and now I run a blog telling people how to go to college. College might be strange and unfamiliar now, but in time, you will learn how to do it! 

This might be my longest post, so strap in for a fun ride!! My answer comes to you in three parts:

How To Do Community College

How To Do University

How To Do Financial Aid

P.S. I’m going to say this only once, but feel free to ask why: Do not attend a for-profit college. Okay, now onto the basics!

How To Do Community College

I encourage you to read my Ode to Community College. Community colleges are real colleges designed for people who are low on funds, are working or have other responsibilities, don’t know what they want to study yet, and/or don’t know how college works yet.

Step 1: Applying

Community colleges accept anyone who applies, and the application is usually just like filling out a job application, but you will also need to send in your high school transcript, and I recommend sending any test scores. Your college may have you take a placement test to see if you’re ready for college. If you’re not quite ready, they may have you take some pre-college courses in English or math before you officially start a degree program.

Step 2: Choosing a Degree Program

Among other things, community colleges award associate’s degrees, which are essentially the first two years of a bachelor’s degree at a four-year college or university. You’ll take introductory classes like English, math, science, and social sciences, as well as electives (i.e. fun classes). Here’s a list of programs that might be offered at your community college.

Step 3: Taking the Right Classes

Make sure you stick to your college’s degree plan so that you take classes that 1) count toward your associate’s degree and 2) will transfer to a university. Most classes you take for an associate’s degree (AA, AS, or AFA) should transfer to a bachelor’s degree (BA, BS, or BFA) easily enough, but sometimes universities aren’t very transfer-friendly. The best option is to transfer to a university that has a partnership with your community college, which is information you should be able to find on your community college’s website. If your community college doesn’t have any partners, you’ll want to research the transfer policies at the universities you’re interested in and follow their guidelines on what classes to take.

Step 4: Transferring

In your last year of community college, you will apply to a four-year college or university for your bachelor’s degree. You’ll need to pick a major when you apply because for the next two years, that’s what you will be studying. Make sure you tour the university before you attend and get acclimated before your first day! 

How To Do University

Whether or not you attend community college for the first two years or enroll directly into a four-year college or university, you’ll want to understand how to navigate the basics as early as possible.

Step 1: Exploring Your Options

Use my Self-Reflection Toolkit and this quiz from Marquette University to explore potential majors. These are just meant to get you thinking and guide you as you learn more about yourself and your interests. This process will take time to research and figure out, and if you enroll directly into a four-year college you can change your major after you apply. As I mentioned, the first two years are mostly basics and figuring stuff out, so either way you have time. 

I was very bad at choosing colleges to apply to and applied almost at random. I learned a lot from those mistakes, and on my FAQ page you’ll see me trying to impart that wisdom on others. I recommend doing your research, going on virtual tours, and getting used to just looking at college websites, even if you don’t know what you want yet. Start by window shopping for colleges in your state and see what they have to offer you. College Board also has tools for finding a college that fits your needs. It’s worth starting as early as possible, and I know that you can do it. Like I said, I was really bad at it and I still made it through.

Step 2: Applying

Applying to a four-year college will take more steps than a community college application. Many colleges require letters of recommendation, essays, and application fees (look on their websites for fee waivers). More information is on my FAQ page, of course, but be prepared to complete these steps before application deadlines. Each college sets its own deadline, but if you want to go next year, you’ll likely need to apply by January or February. Applying can be daunting, but you will need to do it at some point, even if you go to community college first. 

Step 3: Finding Resources

Access any and all resources your university offers, which will include advising, counseling, career services, and more. The same is true at a community college, but I would argue it’s even more true at a university. You might find out about internships, research opportunities, fun events, and all that stuff that excited you when you saw it on your university’s website! Even if you don’t feel like you need resources, you’re paying for them, so you might as well use them! Often people won’t know how to help you unless you tell them you’re struggling, like how you told me what you’re going through and I wrote a post that’s turning into a short novel! (I’ll be done soon, I promise.)

Step 4: Taking The Right Classes

Just like at a community college, you want to make sure you’re taking classes that count toward your degree and interest you. Make sure you’re following the prescribed degree plan on your university’s website and communicated by your advisor. If you find that you’ve chosen a major that doesn’t fit your interests, make sure you speak with your professors, your advisor, and anyone else whose opinion you trust.

How To Do Financial Aid

Step 1: Understanding The Basics

There are three major types of financial aid: loans (money you have to pay back after you graduate), grants (government money you’re awarded based on your financial need that you don’t have to pay back), and scholarships (money from a college or other source that is awarded for any reason that you don’t have to pay back). Loans might come from the government, your college, or a bank. I recommend borrowing from the federal government because the interest is so low (basically, it’s cheaper to pay off than a bank loan).

Step 2: Filling Out FAFSA

If you want to go to college next fall, or if you just want to do a practice round, fill out FAFSA now. I’m assuming you’re under 24, so you will need your parents’ tax information even if they’re not going to help you pay for college. Filling out FAFSA will never, not ever ever ever require you or your parents to take out any loans. Rather, FAFSA gives you access to any need-based financial aid you might be eligible for, whether that aid comes from the government or not. Loans agreements are a totally separate form, and you can take some loans without your parents’ help. If you’re not eligible for FAFSA, check whether your state or college has its own FAFSA alternative.

Step 3: Reading Your Award Letter

After a college sends an acceptance letter, they will also send a financial aid award letter. The letter will show you how much you’ve been awarded in scholarships and grants and how much you can take out in loans from the federal government or the college itself. You should compare your financial aid amount to the total cost of attendance, will you can find on the college’s financial aid webpage. The total cost of attendance is how much it costs to pay for tuition, fees, housing, and a rough estimate of your other living expenses. Basically, it’s how much it costs to be a student for one year.

As you said, I wouldn’t expect you to be able to work 40 hours while maintaining good grades, so may need to be frugal and creative to fill in any gaps financial aid didn’t cover. Private colleges tend to have a really big “sticker price,” but may offer generous scholarships as discounts, whereas public colleges tend to be cheaper and may have (large and small) scholarships to help you pay.

Step 4: Applying

In addition to the scholarships that you may be automatically awarded if you meet certain criteria, your colleges may also have scholarships that you have to apply for by yourself. This information will be located on a college’s financial aid webpage. There are also scholarships from nonprofit organizations and businesses. Visit my resources page for info, ask people you know if they’re aware of any scholarships, ask your boss and coworkers, and ask Google for “scholarships in [your town].”

Okay, I threw a lot at you, but those are the basics as I see them! You can totally do this. It’s going to be a big learning curve, but the payoffs will be big. And you can always come back here for more advice and reassurance. I’m proud of you already for thinking of your future and doing what you can to support yourself and your learning.

[in-my-jamiebower-era]

Adore you. Rafe Cameron.

Rafe Cameron x Reader

Summary: You’re a pouge and Rafe is a Kook. This relationship will never work, that’s why you hide it.

Warnings: A few curse words, implied smut, and probably grammatical errors.

Words: 4,500 on the dot!

A/N: Hey you guys! Sorry this took so long to post, I had to deal with a few personal things. All of you are incredible!! Y’all are so sweet!💕 If anyone has constructive criticisms or requests please don’t hesitate to message me. Also do you guys thing I should write for anyone else? Just message me what you think. I’m so glad y’all like my fics! Thank you for all the likes and comments!💓 Don’t forgot to TPWK!!😌🥺 (Dont hesitate to message me if you need to talk, I’m here for you!)😘

You’re a pogue. You live on the cut. You work at the wreck. You hang out with John b, JJ, Kiara, Pope, and Sarah. Although Kiara was your best friend. You had known her the longest. Pogues and Kooks aren’t supposed to be friends, much less associate with each other. Although, Kie and Sarah were different. They both proved they weren’t snobs and they definitely knew how to have a good time.

You really didn’t go to Kie’s house a lot but you did go to the Cameron’s sometimes. Sarah insisted that you and Kie came over today to help her pick out a hairstyle for midsummers. They both were Kooks so of course they were going, but you were a Pouge. That meant you’d either be working the event or not going at all.

All three of you were up in Sarah’s room talking of various hairstyles and makeup plans. They both weren’t excited about the event but to tell the truth that’s all you had dreamt of since a little kid. All you wanted was to be invited to that party, wear a nice dress, and dance as though you would never again. You were pulled from your thoughts when you heard Kie and Sarah bickering on which flower crown to wear. That’s when you said, “Hey guys I’m going to go get something to drink from downstairs, I’ll be right back.” They both nodded and went back to dealing with the crown.

As you were grabbing a can of cherry coke your hand slipped from wetness and dropped it. Then out of nowhere appeared Mr. Rafe Cameron. He grabbed it for you and said “next time try to be more careful” then he gave you a cocky wink. You blushed at his comment. He could obviously see the effect he had on you so he said “you’re adorable when you blush.” He definitely knew how to get you going. So you lent over and gave him a quick peck on the lips. He then deepened the kiss.

Walk-in your rainbow paradise

Strawberry lipstick state of mind

I get so lost inside your eyes

Would you believe it?

The truth is you and Rafe had been secretly dating for 6 months. You both knew how your friends would feel about it so you decided to keep it to yourself. Thing is you saw something different in Rafe. You weren’t exactly sure when you started crushing on him. Maybe it was when you would see him coming out of the water, glistening. Maybe it was when you found him one night I’m a rage and helped calm him down.

Just so happened one night at a boneyard party Rafe found you all alone sitting on a log, watching the stars. You remember the conversation so vividly “hey y/n what are you doing out here all alone?” You glumly replied, “Oh you know just living it up.” The conversation went on for a while until there was a comfortable silence. Although you believe that comfortable silence was so overrated.

You really weren’t the type to be brave and do something so daring, but at the moment it just felt right. You all of the sudden grabbed him from the back of his neck and attached your lips to his.

“Shit, Rafe I’m so sorry. It’s just I’ve wanted to do that for a long time. Maybe it’s the alcohol in my system or it just feels right. I really don’t want to ruin our friendship and I hope this doesn’t make anything weird. I know you look at me like a Pouge. I thought maybe if I did it you would feel the same way. I know it’s completely stupid and I’m so sorry.” He had a little smile playing on his lips. Then he replied, “just shut up and kiss me again.”

It felt like electricity coursing through your veins. It felt like butterflies were swarming your stomach. He grabbed around your waist to pull you in more. You gently tugged at the end of the hair, which in response he let out an almost silent moan.

When you both pulled away, you were panting, instantly want more. “So I can’t help but noticed that you kissed me back. Does that mean you feel the same way about me?” He was trying to catch his breath. He finally was able to say “I’ve felt the same way since that day you comforted me after my dad was on my case.” You were incredibly happy but at the same time wondered why hadn’t he just said something.

“Y/N, your eyes are beautiful. Every time I see them I get so lost in them.” You started to blush with butterflies forming in your stomach, once again. He lifted his thumb to his lip and gently wiped “strawberry lipstick, you should wear it more often. So every time I kiss you, it will taste this sweet.”

You don't have to say you love me

You don't have to say nothing

You don't have to say you're mine

You were immediately startled when Sarah came into the kitchen. How long had you been thinking about that night at the boneyard? Suddenly she ran and gave you the biggest hug with Kie right behind her. They both were screaming nonsense. “SARAH CAMERON AND KIARRA CARRERA, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT!!?” They both looked at you with wide grins and Kie said “How would you like to go to midsummers with me.”

You couldn’t trust your voice, so you started nodding profusely. You all started screaming practically bursting your own eardrums. Wait. Rafe. You quickly glanced around to see him sitting there with the biggest smirk on his face. You couldn’t tell what it was for but you knew he was excited for you.

They both half screamed and half cried about going shopping. Seeing as though midsummers was in a few days. “Come on Y/N, now it’s time we pick out your hairstyle.” Oh God, you were not prepared for this. You told the girls you would head up in a second.

As soon as they left, Rafe was at your side. He held you in a tight hug that let you know he was very excited for you. You couldn’t help feeling a little bit sad that you weren’t going to midsummers with Rafe but you weren’t going to complain. “Y/N, I’m really happy for you baby. I know you’re going to be absolutely gorgeous, per usual.” You knew Rafe could read you like a book so he could sense a little disappointment from you.

“Listen to me Y/N, I know that it’s hard with me being a Kook and you being a Pogue. I know people say that the two sides shouldn’t be together but that doesn’t change how I feel about you. I would never force you into anything you didn’t want to do. At any moment you could leave me. I know that I’m not as good as you. You don’t have to say anything, I just want you to know that you mean more than you will ever know to me.”

Honey

I'd walk through fire for you

Just let me adore you

Oh, honey

I'd walk through fire for you

Just let me adore you

Like it's the only thing I'll ever do

Like it's the only thing I'll ever do

You kissed him on the nose. “Rafe, I care for you so much, and I feel the same way about you. I’m not going to leave you, baby, I-“ You were then interrupted by Sarah screaming your name. “I’m coming SARAH!” You kissed him in his forehead and told him it was going to be okay, and with that, you went up to the middle Cameron’s room.

Kie had a curling iron in her hair and told you to sit down. “So Y/N, I think we should go shopping later tonight because midsummers are tomorrow.” WHAT? You had thought it was in a few days, not tomorrow. You quickly replied “What are we doing just sitting here, there’s no time to do hair. I need a dress!!” You definitely had some money from working at the wreck. You knew you would need it for something special, this was definitely that occasion.

You slipped on your brown and navy sandals, screaming a Kie and Sarah to hurry the hell up. Rafe was on the couch scrolling through his phone, when he saw you he shot you a wink. Sarah and Kie grabbed their things and you all were out the door.

When you arrived at the first store it looked so surreal. There were diamonds and pearls everywhere. In the corners, there were long luxurious dresses. Nothing really stuck out to you but it was smart to try on dresses to get an idea of what you want. By the 5th store, you all were exhausted but Sarah insisted you tried on a long red dress with a slit on the left. When you zipped it up, you turned around and saw yourself in the dress. You were beautiful. You stepped out for the girl to see and they were ecstatic. That was the one.

On your way home you guys saw a thin red flower crown with a hint of green. You decided you would borrow Sarah’s gold heels. The outfit you picked was beautiful and you silently cheered knowing Rafe would see you.

You remember the first time you and Rafe almost got caught with each other. Rafe had texted you and told you to sneak over through his window. You had successfully made it but he had an unexpected visit from Kelce. So you hid in his closet trying to be as silent as possible while Kelce talked about some girl he fucked. At that moment you wished you were anywhere but there. When he finally left, after what felt like hours you just wanted to cuddle.

You laid on his chest, while he rubbed small circles on your back. Then he went into a rant of “he wouldn’t care if you guys got caught” and “he would walk through hell just to be with you” or “I adore you so much, baby girl.” You knew he was saying this because you had to hide in a closet for hours. You kissed his nose and said, “baby it’s fine, I made it out alive.”

Your wonder under summer skies

Brown skin and lemon over ice

Would you believe it?

When you, Sarah, and Kie arrived at the Cameron’s you guys were exhausted. Kie took off and said his parents needed her home. Then it was your turn to depart “by Sarah, I’ll see you tomorrow at MIDSUMMERS.” She elbowed you in the stomach. As you were walking out the door Rafe came out of nowhere and offered you a ride home. You gave him a confused look but agreed. Sarah of course thought nothing of it.

When you guys got in the car you said “Rafe, what if Sarah found out.” You knew that she probably hadn’t but it still crossed your mind. You were so deep in thought about everything that happened today, you didn’t realize the car had stopped. Wait...this wasn’t your house. “Rafe, what are we doing at the beach?” He grabbed your hand and happily said “thought we could spend some time together.” God, he was absolutely adorable.

As you ran out of the car to a place that looked secluded, Rafe let the moment sink in. You were really his. You looked beautiful under the sunset of the summer sky. He doesn’t know how he got so lucky or why he was blessed with you. His thoughts were soon gone when you screamed “HURRY UP RAFE, YOU’RE SO SLOW.”

You don't have to say you love me

I just wanna tell you something

Lately, you've been on my mind

When he finally found his way to the rock you were sitting on he said “Y/N, I need to talk to you about something.” He thought this was the perfect opportunity to pull a little prank on you. You looked at him with adoration in your eyes then suddenly they turned dark when he said the words “I’m back on coke, I relapsed.” You thought he was joking at first but this is something you guys don’t joke about.

Before you and Rafe were dating you knew he did coke. You knew that it was a daily occurrence. Everyone could see it destroying his life. It mentally hurt you to see him like that so one day you told him to decide between you and coke. That day he stopped, he’s been sober for 4 months. You told him if he ever went back to coke you were leaving him because it took a toll on you. It depressed you to see him like that all the time. All of a sudden your ears were ringing, you started to see red.

You started to talk then paused to keep composure. “Did you do it willingly?” He responded with “I’ve been doing it for a while, I’ve been visiting Barry and getting it from him. He was laughing so hard on the inside while your heart was breaking. You started to cry and sob because you knew he had just ruined the relationship. “Y/N! IM KIDDING, THIS WAS PRANK.”

You looked him in the eyes and replied “You’re disgusting, Rafe Cameron.” You hurriedly got your bags from his car and started walking to your parent's home.

“Y/N, please. Wait. I just wanted to play a little joke on you. I didn’t mean any harm.” You were relieved it was a prank but you were furious. It had caused you so much pain before. You didn’t want to see him or talk to him. “Rafe if you care about me, you will leave me the hell alone this instant. With that, he drove away. He fucked up bad and he knew it.

Honey

I'd walk through fire for you

Just let me adore you

Oh, honey

I'd walk through fire for you

Just let me adore you

Like it's the only thing I'll ever do

Like it's the only thing I'll ever do

You went home and furiously slammed the door to your room and started sobbing. How could he pull a joke on you like that? Maybe you were overreacting a little but when he was on coke it killed you on the inside. You had seen your boyfriend slowly killing himself. Even if I was just an innocent little prank it still brought back memories. These memories were the ones you wish you could forget.

Your phone started buzzing in your pocket. You knew who it was but you couldn’t talk to him, not right now. You sent it to voicemail and he called back 1...2..3..4..5..6 times. You just decided to shut off your phone and take a shower. When the heat of the shower hit your back it instantly soothed you. You took about 30 mins just to relax, then you got out and did your nightly routine. You curled up in your bed and finally turned your phone back on.

You were in shock there were tons of missed calls and texts from Rafe. There were only a few texts from the rest of the Pogue group chat. When you went to Sarah’s messages it said “hey, did something happen with you and Rafe because he’s been a crying mess since he got home.” You instantly replied, “nothing I can think of.” It hurt you that you made him feel that way but it wasn’t your fault. He really hit a memory inside that you wished to forget. You decided it was best to call him back.

You called and the phone rang for half a second before he was on the line. Y/N? His voice cracked, he sounded like he had been crying for hours. “Yeah, Rafe it’s me.” You could hear him exhale on the other side of the phone in relief.

“Listen, baby, I’m so sorry for pulling that stupid joke on you. I really didn’t mean any harm. I know that something that I’m not supposed to joke about and I don’t know why I did it. I know the mental toll it took and you. I felt so bad knowing that you were at home sobbing your heart out and I couldn’t hold you. Y/N, please I would do anything to make you stop hurting. Please forgive me? I swear I’ll be more careful.”

You sighed knowing he had no bad intentions. “Yeah Rafe, I forgive you. Just please don’t even joke with me like that again. You know that broke me into pieces.” He replied, “I promise, I promise, I will never ever do that to you ever again.”

Then he said “so can I come over because I still feel bad and I really want to see you.”

You thought this was the perfect time to tease him, “you can see me tomorrow when I come over to your house to get ready for midsummers.”

He huffed in annoyance, “but I want to see you now!!”

“Byeeee Rafe, I’ll see you tomorrow!” Then you hung up on him. You could imagine his face at that moment, shocked but wanting more. It was late so you decided to go to bed, trying to contain your excitement for tomorrow.

I'd walk through fire for you

Just let me adore you

Oh, honey

I'd walk through fire for you

Just let me adore you

Like it's the only thing I'll ever do

You woke up to the sound of your phone buzzing. There were only a few people it could be but you secretly hoped it was the eldest Cameron sibling. Nope, it was actually the middle Cameron sibling. You saw a text from her that said “Get your lazy ass over here, we’ve got midsummers to get ready for.” You groaned, eyes still puffy from crying last night. So you got up brushed your teeth and got dressed. You grabbed your bags from yesterday then headed to the Cameron’s.

You dang the doorbell several times and you heard Rafe holler, “I’m coming, chill out.” He definitely didn’t know it was you, he probably assumed it was Kie or something. When he opened the door his face went into a frown. He sees your puffy eyes and palish face from crying. You gave him a small smile and you were about to say something but Sarah came to the door and dragged you upstairs.

She had her hair done and she makes up done. She looked absolutely gorgeous. You always wanted to be as beautiful as the Kook princess. She told you countless times you were soooo pretty but you were just very insecure. “Okay, so how should I do your hair?” I think just leave it down and straighten it. So you went and took another shower, you made sure to moisturize and all that good stuff.

Sarah sat you down at her vanity and started blow-drying your hair. After she was done with that she plugged up the flat iron. She suspiciously went and closed her door then she said “Y/N we need to talk.” Oh God, not that sentence again.

“So what’s going on between you and my brother.” You practically choked on your spit and said “what do you mean.” She looked at you with knowing eyes while continuing to do your hair.

“Y/N, I’m not stupid. I see the glances you give each other. I hear him talk to you on the phone, all the time! He was crying last night and this morning you show up with puffy eyes! I’d rather you tell me then lie to me about it.” She had an expression you couldn’t read at the moment.

“Okay Sarah, you want to know? Rafe and I have been seeing each other for a few months.” Her mouth dropped. Then she put on a little cocky smile of hers.

She screamed “I KNEW IT!! I mean I didn’t know it but I did know it. Y/N, if you really care about him then I’m not mad. I don’t know why in hell you would want to be with him but that’s your choice. I’m really happy for you.” You got up and hugged her really hard. She was so sweet. You muttered, “Sarah you are amazing.”

You decided you wanted a snack before you got your make up done. So you and Sarah went downstairs and you decided to get an apple. You saw Rafe sitting at the bar, so you decided it would be the perfect time to get him back for his “prank.” You made sure Sarah was in the room then you went up to him and kissed him. He didn’t push you away, he only deepened the kiss.

You pulled away and said, “you know your sister is right there, right?” He glanced at her and said back “I really didn’t care, if you wanted to kiss then we were going to kiss.”

Sarah eyed both of you and said “hey, just because I know doesn’t mean you two can get all lovey-dovey. I going to go and give you guys a minute. Y/N come upstairs when you’re done.” She then went back upstairs.

Rafe looked at you and said, “so you told her?”

“No, I didn’t, you’re just not good at hiding us.” He elbowed you then you giggled.

His face went serious. He looked at you for a second then said “I’m so sorry for what I did yesterday. I felt horrible. I thought you were going to break up with me, even though you should’ve. I really shouldn’t have done that. It hurt me so bad to know you were crying and I couldn’t comfort you.”

You looked at him with testy eyes and said “it’s okay baby.” He got up and hugged you so tight.

He wasn’t letting go so you had to say “alright I’m going to let Sarah do my make up now. I’m going to get dressed.” He gave you a kiss and then you were off to go.

I'd walk through fire for you

Just let me adore you

Oh, honey

Oh, honey

Before you knew it you were dressed and people were arriving at the house. You weren’t going to lie, you looked really good. Kie suddenly swung open the door to Sarah’s room. She saw you and her jaw dropped, “wowww my date looks hot.” You giggled and grabbed Kie’s hand.

You both walked over to where Pope was working and decided to chat. People were staring at you and it made you uncomfortable. Although there was nothing you could do so you just decided to have a good time. You heard applause and you turned around to see what all the commotion was about. Then you saw him.

He was with the rest of his family, he looked miserable. Then your eyes met and his face visibly heated up. He had a baby blue suit on, he cleaned up really nice. To be honest the entire Cameron family looked like they were out of a photoshoot. You gave Rafe a small smile and he was blushing, it was obvious the effect you had on him.

Ward gave a small speech then the Cameron family went all separate ways. Topper and Sarah were arguing about something. Pope and JJ were working. Kie was with her mother and father talking of God knows what. Then it was just you. You gasped when you felt someone come up behind you and say “want to dance.” It was Rafe.

“Rafe, you know we can’t dance. People will find out about us.”

He looked at you with a small smile and said “maybe I want them to know.” You eyed him suspiciously then you decided he had no alternative motive. Well, it was time. He took your hand and you both walked over the dance floor. Your hands were around his neck and he had him on your waist.

“Rafe...people are staring at me.” You said quietly. He leaned down and whispered in your ear “Well let them stare, you’re beautiful.” Then he kissed the top of your head.

I'd walk through fire for you

Just let me adore you

After a few dances, you decided it was time to go back to your seat. Kie rushed to your side “so that’s new?” Then Sarah replied, “no it’s not, it’s been going on for about 4 months.”

You turned to her and said, “actually about 6.” They both looked at you shocked. Kie had a blank expression and she looked at you and said “why him?” You knew that was a loaded question. There were so many reasons you chose him. Maybe it was that he was a generally kind person once you got to know him. Maybe it was the fact that when your asleep he talks to you, but you just pretend you’re asleep. Perhaps it was the way he changed when he met you. He no longer bothered the Pogues, he was off the coke, and he learned to control his hot head.

There was only one thing that could possibly explain it “I chose him because I love him.” You smiled there way. They looked at you with a startled expression, then behind you with a startled expression. They both snickered, then ran off. You stood up and turned around and Rafe was standing there with a startled expression. “Shit” was all you muttered.

“Y/N, you love me?” You muttered sheepishly “yeah I do”

Oh, honey

Just let me adore you

Like it's the only thing I'll ever do

“Y/N, I think. NO. I know I love you too” You gave him the biggest smile. You lent in and kissed him, people started staring. There were oohs and ahhs, some even gasped. He whispered in your ear “want to get out of here?” You smiled and gave him a yes. He took your hand and you both headed towards the beach.

He could tell you were having a hard time walking with your dress and all so he grabbed your bridal style. You both settled on a pier looking over the water.

You were watching the water but you could tell her was staring at you. Then he said, “I hope our kids never have to hide their love.” Wait did he just say, kids?

You turned and looked at him “our kids?”

He looked at you sheepishly and said “yes I want kids, do you?” You leaped up and attacked him with hugs and kisses. That was a definite yes. “I love you Rafe.” he smiled into your lips and said, “I love you too baby.”

He truly adored every piece of you.

@drewswannabegirl @snkkat @nina1800

@drewsephsmiles @annedub @peoples-trash

@obx-direction-sos @lahey-paradise

@girlsru1eboysdroo1 @gimmethejohnd

@elegant-daisy @sortagaysortahigh

@afterglowsb-tch13 @country-club

@starrystarkey93 @trashmouthpogues

[a-forgotten-spirit]

Love Isn’t An Illusion (7)

Pairing: Todoroki x Bakugou, Todoroki x Reader x Bakugou, VERY SLOW BUILD

Summary:  Getting supplies for the camping trip with some fun rivalry swimming.

Words: +-7600 (I have problems)

Warnings:  bad parenting, overbearing parents, overthinking, talking about bathing suits, fear of public places, over planning, wearing a skirt, anxiety, protective Shoji, being noticed by fans, social metres, explaining swimwear, saying you have a chest (sorry if you dont, itty bitty titties are good too!), explanations of clothing, the league, undressing and people looking at you (not sexual), being self conscious, overly competitive, 

Tagged:  @kittycatspervertedheart​ @lemorrite​ @gwendlynn​ @marleps​ @thicctati2​ @saitamastamaticsoup​ @succulent-momma​ @aurorahoneybuns​ @imjusttireddudes​ @misconceptualised​ @ochabby​ @katsukisuwus​ @gayverlinq​ @star-witchs-blog​ @fallbb123 @icyhotpie​ @kyrah-williams​

A/N:  I wrote this for the fans. I do not own My Hero academia or the characters, I don’t own most of the plot for this story, I had watched the show and re-written the dialogue and plot as if the reader was the main character. Everything is centred around the reader. Please comment, makes me happy. Ask if you wish to be tagged. Patreon is still in the works as I’m not confident to do it however, for now I am doing commission stories if anyone is interested

Masterlist

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6

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Chapter 7

Walking into the house my mother walked up to me hands on her hips and she looked ready for a fight. I was tired and just wanted to go lay down. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with her right now or at any given point if I was honest but after the exam I had, I quite enjoyed turning my brain off for a few days. 

“Who dropped you off” she inquired immediately. I sighed and hoisted my bag onto my back more comfortably as I looked up to see her. My head was pounding and Bakugou's jumper was so warm and fluffy I just wanted to go to sleep. 

“Friends from school” I answered, my heart did the weird thing where it decided to not work and beat quicker then it should. I was there with my friends. Todoroki was always ready to help me move around and helped me through the panic attack while Bakugou had brought me food and gave me his jumper. I was thankful for both. Her hand moved in a continuous motion as if to continue “Bakugou and Todoroki” I answered. 

“Todoroki, like Endeavor Todoroki,” she asked and I nodded slowly “His son, with the fire and ice. You’re friends with his son” I nodded again. She’s never been interested in heroes, at least whenever I talked about them “Oh darling look at you. He is a fine choice to swoon. Money and looks, he will make a great friend. I have to meet his father” 

I was blank. She had to be joking right. I did not just fight ten Pro heroes for my mother to go on about how I'm friends with someone as if I had something to gain “I’m friends with Todoroki for Todoroki, not Endeavor. I do not like Endeavor and I never will. I like Todoroki for who he is not who he is related to” I said slowly as if I had to sound it out. 

“Oh sure” she huffed and I knew this wouldn’t leave so I left it, she could think all she wanted, it meant nothing to me. “Bakugou, Bakugou” she whispered and hand on her chin. What was she doing? “Bakugou like the fashion designers” my head fell as I sighed out and shook my head “You are going for the top aren’t you. Just like your mum” 

“Ok, whatever. Think what you want but I like them for them” she continued to go on as I shook my head again and then walked away up the stairs and into my room. Placing my phone on to charge I wiggled my arms into the jumper and unzipped my hero costume before falling into bed and falling asleep. 

-

This morning was long, filled with questions about the boys and what they did, who I liked more. I didn’t answer a single one. I was not in the mood. I pulled on my uniform folding Bakugous’ jumper and left it on my bed. If he didn’t want me to keep it I could say I just forgot it, easy. I chose to pull on the UA jumper I had specifically asked for and then I was ready for school. My mother offered to drive, I accepted and put in my music to ignore her. Headphones covering my head and ears. Arriving I thanked her and I was off to class, as I was walking down the hall I could hear Kaminari yelling, he didn’t pass. 

Aizawa walked in and I quickly followed “Sorry” I could see the looks but one glare from Aizawa and everyone was quiet. I made my way to my seat quickly, sitting down and placing my headphones in my bag out of the way, looking up and paying full attention. 

“Morning, unfortunately, there are a few of you who did not pass your final exams. So when it comes to the training camp in the woods” he paused then his head raised a wide smile as his eyes did the same “Everyone is going” that was good. Kaminairi and Mina looked quite upset. They all asked if he was being honest and that they got to come with the rest of us “Yeah. The good news is no one bombed the written exam. Five failed the practical badly. Two teams of course and Sero failed as well” I could hear a quiet yell. I forgot he got caught with Midnight and fell asleep the whole time. “Allow me to explain, the practical the teachers made sure to leave a way for the students to win” my eyes fell and I shook my head “Except Y/N” he nodded and I looked away. They did no such thing. “Otherwise you never would have stood a chance” I rolled my eyes. 

“I think I did just fine thank you” I whispered and played with the ends of my sleeve. I spent three days in the hospital to win that goddamned test. I knew some people heard that at the little chuckles around me. 

“We were interested in observing how each of you approached the task at hand. The training camp will focus on strength” this was going to be a long camp, my head rested on my palm as I looked to Aizawa. I need to work on harnessing my quirk and not passing out every time I go overboard. “Those who failed will need those lessons the most, we were never going to separate you” leave it to the teachers to absolutely scare everyone in the class for no reason “That was just a logical deception we used” his smile was bright, he was quite proud of himself. 

“He tricked us all, I should have expected this” Iida voiced I turned seeing him quickly lunge up from his seat “Mr Aizawa this is the second time you’ve lied to us aren’t you afraid we will lose faith in you” he was standing straight his hand up in the air as he yelled. He had a point but I don’t think the teacher cared. 

“That’s a good point, I'll consider it” No he won’t, he enjoyed making us stress and try our best “But I wasn’t lying to you about everything” this man was full of surprises and it was making my head fuzzy. “Failure is failure” I smiled so not a topic for me. “We’ve prepared extra lessons for the five of you” the mood dropped drastically amongst the five. “Frankly they’ll be far tougher than what you’ll face at summer school” at least he was honest. 

The rest of the day went by as usual and I talked to Bakugou and Todoroki mostly a few people coming up to me to give their congratulations and a few telling me they thought I had died when I just fell. I laughed at that comment. 

“I had about a hundred thoughts playing at once so I overworked my brain” I smiled and scratched the back of my head, a nervous habit I picked up when I was younger. I saw confused faces. “Each illusion is a single thought if they act differently so by the end of the match I had about a hundred independent thoughts going through my head at once” 

I was bombarded with questions as I answered them without giving too much information away. I had Mina hugging me tightly at one point in tears about how worried she was, I swear my hair was wet by the end of it. I smiled, genuinely. I did have the best class anyone could ask for. This was one of the first days I wasn’t rushing to study or do anything, it felt nice and I had friends.

“We’re at the training camp for a full week” Iida readout, he seemed shocked and I nodded to myself. Another week without my parents, what more could I wish for. My parents had signed off on it earlier in the year not caring for what I did. 

“No way, I’ll need a bigger suitcase” Midoriya pondered and I thought to my belongings. I had a big enough suitcase. When I got along with my parents we had gone on a few holidays so I just had to find it. 

“No kidding, I don’t even have a bathing suit” the thought sent shivers down my spine. I would be fearful to get into the water knowing if Kaminari sneezed I could be electrocuted and die. He had control but still, it was worrying. I didn’t often go swimming so I too would need to buy one. “Guess I need to buy some stuff” 

“Guys since we are off tomorrow and we’re finished exams I have the best idea” Torus’ happy voice sang out her uniform moving indicating she raised her arms in excitement. Everyone seemed interested now. “Why doesn’t class 1-A go shopping together” it wasn’t a bad idea. I preferred to go shopping with people I knew then alone I had to admit I feared to be alone in public places just as much as the next person. 

“Hey yeah, we’ve never hung out as a class before” Kaminari smiled as Uraraka nodded enthusiastically. I could hear everyone agreeing and getting more excited about the weekend's events. I too was quite excited though, did they mean everyone in the class? 

 “Bakugou, see you there, right” Leave it to Kirishima to always ask if the explosive blonde would attend a get-together. I like that Bakugou had friends and seemed to get along with people, even if it was only a select few.  

“I can’t think of anything more annoying” his eyes were closed and face distasteful as he grimaced at the mere thought of seeing anyone in school out in public. I smiled and rolled my eyes silently as he walked off from the group hands in his pockets and back slouched. 

Everyone was talking and I smiled happily though I could hear Midoriya ask Todoroki if he was going to join the class on our little adventure “I visit my mum on days off” he smiled, small but it was there. Did he live with his dad but not his mum? Maybe they were divorced or something. I was sad he wouldn’t be there but I could understand why. I didn’t blame him. 

“Party poopers, don’t you ever get tired of being so serious” Mineta shouted, I would’ve liked both Bakugou and Todoroki to come but they had their things on. I had made friends with the class so hopefully, I wouldn’t be left to my own devices but if so I was more than capable of shopping on my own. 

“What about you Y/N” I turned to look at Jirou who had asked the question “Are you going to come” she smiled and I saw a few of the other girls smile in response. I was being offered, I had friends. I would never regret coming to this school. 

“Yeah” I nodded and stood from my desk patting my skirt down to my legs “I need some swimwear and hiking clothes” I scratched the back of my head nervously “I live in jumpers and long pants so I’ll need some outdoors clothes” I didn’t leave the house much before this year. I stayed in my room and played games now I was studying non-stop. 

“We can help with that” Uraraka put her fist in the air and I nodded unbeknownst that a few boys were more than interested in the conversation I was having. “You’ll be an outdoors person in no time” I laughed rather loudly and nodded. 

“I look forward to it” and I wasn’t lying I was beyond excited for this camp, the whole thing a new experience and I hadn’t gone on ‘holiday’ in quite some time if I was honest. 

We all walked out of the room and set up a group chat for the weekend, I waved everyone goodbye and began my trek home. Headphones on and music blaring to calm myself through the walk, it was long but when I arrived home I could see my parents were home. I walked up to the two of them turning down my music and pushing the headset from my head to my neck. 

“I’m going out with the class over the week to go shopping for the camp” I stated, they didn’t care what I did. I could see my mother think for a moment and then nodded, remembering something. 

“Yes you did make it into that camp, my bank is still connected to your card, get everything you need. A week was it” she asked not looking up, they had no concept of money because they had so much. I didn’t spend a lot of money but I did need things for the week trip. I nodded. “Ok” then I was off to my room. 

I searched my room for my suitcase, it was just a plain black hard suitcase that was big enough for a week's trip. Suitcase, done. I got out my phone and began to make a list of the things I would need. It was long but I wanted everything to be perfect and if I had no purchase limit why not spoil myself for once. 

Once the list was done I looked at the group chat and saw all the details Iida had set up sending a quick “Thank you” and mentioning Iida I was off and ready for bed. I had had dinner between rummaging through my room and making my list. 

-

Waking up the next morning I did my usual routine and stretched, I felt so relaxed no studying for me though I liked that I was still busy in away. I liked to keep myself busy. When you do things for so long and then stop you have to find something to replace it. I walked out into my room in my underwear and sighed, what was I going to wear? What was everyone going to wear? We were going to the shopping centre so casual but something I could easily take off if I needed to try things on. I laughed, I could use my illusions to see how they would look. Cute it was. 

I opened my wardrobe searching through my long-sleeved shirts until I found a black long-sleeved shirt with holes in the sleeves held together by an F/C lace-like strip that crossed over each other to the bottom of the sleeve. Short black skirt with my shirt tucked into baggily. I moved to my accessories drawers and opened it to see my belts. My F/C belt would go perfect matching the strips of lace, I placed it through the hoops in the skirt and smiled. Some simple boots and the look was complete. I brushed my hair and placed my little backpack on my back. Pull of a portable charger, my wallet and just my everyday things. Walking out I walked past my parents and I was off on my adventure sending a message I would be a few minutes late due to buses not matching up for me. 

 I hopped off the bus saying a quick thank you before I left to go into the centre, turning on my phone one last time to check I had the right information. I looked up and saw the group then looked down, was I too casual? I began to panic and shook my head. These were my friends, these were my people. 

“Hey guys, sorry for being a little late” I called out and watched as they turned to me smiling lighting up and waves being thrown though I didn’t miss the double takes I was receiving from a few of them. I walked up to them and stood in the little group we had formed. 

Everyone seemed quite excited but Midoriya was looking around in awe and muttering to himself about how all the shops captured almost every single quirk known. I laughed and felt my arm get hooped to Mina who was jumping around and full of energy like usual. I smiled. 

“You’re going to scare the children” Tokoyami blandly stated and shook his head crossing his arms in fake seriousness, at least, I thought it was fake. “Stop” I heard a few laughs as Midoriya blushed in embarrassment. 

“Wow, aren’t they UA students” a bystander called out and I turned to see a little group of people forming, this was a downfall of being in the top school but there was nothing we could do. I was going to become a hero and having fans was part of that. 

“1-A” another called out as I looked to the three men looking overly excited to see the group in public. After the sports festival, I couldn’t blame them but still yelling across the mall hallway was a lot for my anxiety. I hadn’t even thought about if anyone recognised us.

“I saw them on TV” so my accusations were right, they had seen us at the festival most likely and then the thought of my video saving people and Hero Killer Stain came into my mind. I gripped the straps of my backpack, Mina having left my side a few minutes ago. I moved to stand behind Shoji who immediately moved to shield me from the view.

Even with all the people talking and fanning Jiro and Momo were just talking about what they needed to get and see, they chose to go together. They were such good friends. I smiled at the interaction. 

“You ok,” Shoji asked his mask moving slightly with the question. I nodded and saw a few people turned to look at my still slightly shielded figure. I flushed and turned away from the looks. 

“I’m just anxious about people looking at me” he nodded and rubbed my back to calm me down “Sorry about that” I could see people shake their hands and smile, it made me feel a lot better. 

“We all have our weaknesses, though you seem so confident when fighting” Kirishima pointed out and again they nodded in agreement. My hand came to my chin to think, they were right. 

“I’m far too competitive to lose it just comes off as confidence” I laughed and scratched the back of my head my cheeks reddening at the confession “I’m one of the most competitive people you’ll ever meet. One of the downfalls of my personality” I nodded and heard a few laughs in response. 

When everyone was done saying what they needed or wanted for the trip Kirishima spoke up “Why don’t we split up and look around, we can meet up here when we are done. It’s noon so let’s say we all meet up here at three” I heard a chorus of sure's and yes’ as we all broke off.

I walked off with Shoji and Tokoyami having asked if I could tag along to the supplies store. I said I’d meet up with the girls later so I could buy some swimwear with them. We were talking and walking around until we made it to the store. Shoji grabbing a basket for us. I had moved my headphones to my bag but when I walked I could hear the keychains bounce. 

“What do you need Y/N,” Tokoyami asked and Shoji came back into the conversation from looking around. I hummed for a second taking out my phone and unlocking the device showing them both a photo. 

“I wanted to buy this, It’s a PowerPoint that has four docks for plugs and then three USB hubs. Just in case there aren't enough powerpoints I thought this would be good to bring” I explained and then pulled the phone back scrolling down “It says this store has them but I’ve never been here so I might have to ask someone” I whispered looking back up to the boys. 

“I didn’t even know they had those kinds of things but that is a very good idea” Shoji nodded impressed with the find and I handed him my phone saying to scroll as they also had others he might be interested in. 

“Yeah Y/N has a good point, we have no idea where we are going and it would be good to be prepared for anything” Tokoyami nodded and moved to look at the phone as well “They are very practical” he added and I nodded. “Anything else,” he asked my phone being handed back to me. 

“A flashlight maybe, I don’t know where we are and if I have to go to the bathroom in the middle of nowhere I would like to know where I am going” a hum from Tokoyami and a firm agreeing nod from Shoji we began our quest for the items. 

It was an enjoyable trip as we rushed through each aisle and tried to find the products. The workers had told us isle five near the back to the left though all three of us stared at the shelf. “Are you guys seeing something I’m not?” I asked, turning to them. 

“No” Shoji shook his head and then tilted to shake his head, “They said isle five” we all looked up, we were in that aisle. “To the back” we were to the back of the isle “On the left” his voice went to nothing as I moved to crouch down. 

I moved a few boxes looking at the signs and then I saw them “Found them” I called out and heard a sigh of relief as I leaned forward to grab them from the back of the shelf, there were three left. I hugged them to my chest. “There’s three left” I sighed and moved to put them in the basket “No one in the class can get them” I smirked and we all laughed at the situation of us being overly prepared. 

Moving onto finding flashlights and a few other things including bug spray and a travel utility kit. “What about portable charges, there may not even be electricity. We could be camping” Tokoyami spoke up and I shrugged nodding. 

“Good point, we have no idea where we are going. I have one but when I was looking for the ports I saw one that can charge your phones up to four times in one charge” they were both interested in this new information as I showed them my phone again. “It’s pretty cheap too, sales” I smiled. We were off again looking for this device. Finding them we added them to the basket and we were leaving the store, finally. We paid for our things. I put my things in my bag and we were off once more. “Kaminari and Mina are picking out swimwear if you wanna come” 

“I need something to fit my arms, hopefully, they’ll have something” Shoji nodded as Tokoyami looked less than comfortable at the idea of trying on swimwear. I smiled and looked up the store. 

“Hey Tokoyami” his eyes turned to my own and I showed him the picture of the pitch-black swimwear set that was long-sleeved and came up his neck and down his legs. “They have a black pair that covers your whole body” I sang with a smile. 

“I guess I do need a swim set” he crossed his arms as we made our way to the store, keeping our chatter casual and easy. I put my phone away as we came into the store and met up with the two, Mineta and Kirishima had joined them. 

“Hey, guys” Kirishima waved smiling widely, happily. I waved back and we all began to browse. Mina and I moved over to the women's section even though the rash shirts in the men's section were looking more than appealing. 

Mina and I began to look through the swimwear as I sighed out, there was far too many to look through. “What do you usually wear in the water” she bounced over happily already holding a few things to try on. I, on the other hand, had nothing. 

“I don’t go swimming” I could swim quite well my parents have cared for me not drowning to get me a lesson at a young age. Though I didn’t go swimming often, we didn’t have a pool and I was very focused on studying to get into UA from a young age. 

“What’s a colour you like,” she asked and began to go through the swimwear I was looking at “This is just all shirts” she whispered more to herself then I as I nodded and she smiled “You’ll have to buy a bikini to go underneath as well” I hadn’t even thought about that. 

“I like F/C and black and yeah I do need to get a bikini” I sighed and put my head back, this was a lot for my social metre to take, my body anxious but Minas’ bubbly personality was helping my anxiety lessen. Taking out my phone I sent out a message to both Bakugou and Todoroki asking if they needed anything while I was out.

“Already got everything” was the message from Bakugou simple and easy then as I was about to click out “Thanks though” I smiled and was about to send a reply when the phone vibrated again “You should plan next time idiot” of course he couldn’t end on something positive. I replied and then moved onto Todoroki. 

“No, it’s ok. I’ll go after visiting my mother. Thank you” even though his typing style was neat and formal. Only saying what he needed too and then ending the conversation whereas Bakugou wrote whatever came to mind in that second and sent it off. I replied to him as well and then put my phone away. 

“Black isn’t a colour but I'll allow it” she stood quickly smiling out and then moving around the store grabbing Kaminari and Kirishima to help her find something for me to wear. I laughed at the awkward faces but they both went to work. 

“Y/N” I was called over to Mina who was holding a bikini set that was F/C, it was modest and covered everything that needed to be covered. I nodded and then looked to the fabric taking it, it had a nice texture as well. 

They looked nice, the bottoms weren’t held together by a string which I instantly liked and the bra part looked rather nice. The bra had little ruffles along the rim which were cute. I looked at the size and laughed. She looked confused as the boys walked overhearing the commotion. “You got a size far to small at least for the top” she tilted her hand and then looked down to my chest. 

I moved to hold my shirt against my body and her eyes widened “That’s some voodoo magic” she called out and I could see a few boys blushing as Mineta fell to the floor. “No what” she called out and looked amazed. 

I let go of my shirt and she shook her head “I just wear baggy clothing and jumpers to school. I appreciate the thought though” I laughed and moved to grab the size that fit me and she looked about ready to faint I laughed again. “It’s not the first time” she nodded and we went looking for the rest of the swimwear we all needed. “Kirishima” I watched his head turn and I held up a red swim shirt that had a picture of Crimson Riot on the back. 

“I need it but I don’t usually wear shirts” he whispered and looked overly happy that I had found it. Leaning down I showed him the matching bottoms a little picture of the hero on the bottom of them. “There we go” he nodded and got both of them “Isn’t this kinda childish though” he frowned. 

“If they had a swimsuit that had my favourite character on it, I’d get it. It’s manly to be you” I nodded and his eyes lit up as he jumped putting his arms together. He was so happy that someone had simply let him be a fan

“You’re right” he nodded and went to go show the others who were more than interested to listen to him babble about how much he loved Crimson Riot. I didn’t doubt he had far more merch then those two pieces of clothing. Though I was surprised to see the merch for such an old hero.  

I looked around as the others did, Tokoyami having grabbed the black pieces of swimwear I had shown him prior when we were walking over. Mina found some pink swimmers that complimented her and I walked further into the store seeing something I knew one of my friends would be interested in. Grabbing the colour I assumed he’d like I walked over to the group. 

“Shoji” I held up the seemingly normal swimsuit and I watched as everyone was confused until I pulled down an almost invisible zipper down the sides of the shirt and his eyes lit up. 

“You seem to find what everyone needs Y/N” I could see the smile through his mask and I nodded handing over the shirt showing him where the zipper was. “I have bottoms so I’m all done” I looked back and watched as the boys went off Kaminari having picked some yellow bottom with Pikachu on them, I smiled as they went to try on their clothes. 

I walked around until finding a nice black rash shirt with F/C strips along the ribs. Picking my size I walked over to Mina “Do you think I should get shorts or with the bikini bottoms be enough” I asked. She turned and looked at the outfit I was holding up. 

“The shirt seems pretty long so I think you should be fine” she nodded and then moved to feel the rash shirt “That’s super soft” her eyes widened and I did the same nodding. “Go try them on” I looked down and tilted my head. Creating an illusion her eyes widened “You never need to try on clothes, I'm so jealous” she cried out and I laughed “But they look super good”

I nodded. A few more minutes and trying on clothes we were ready to move on with the rest of our trip. Paying for the clothing and a reusable bag to put it in we were off everyone having bought something. We walked and talked as we moved on to different stores buying things and talking about what we would need. It was a fun trip and I had messaged my mother if she could pick me up having bought all the things I needed and it is quite a lot. She said yes, she was acting nice the last few days but I didn’t mention it. 

“I think that was a successful trip” Tokoyami pointed out and we all agreed. “It’s almost three so let’s all meet up with the group” we stopped by one more store to buy some new pillowcases and then we made our way back to the centre, being the first to arrive. 

Throughout the trip we had been stopped a few times by people interested in our school and other things, we mostly thanked them and then went on with our day. I smiled at my ‘fans’ and then we were off to the place where we said we would all meet up. Having arrived we weren’t the first, of course, Iida was here before us all, bags in hand. He dressed like a dad and I loved that he wore such formal but casual clothes. Though when we arrived we were told that Midoriya had been attacked per se by Shigaraki. The league of villains so-called leader. I was practically shaking when we were told. Then asked by police if we had seen anyone. I hadn’t even thought about the league or Stains little followers. I wasn’t safe, we weren’t safe. The police conducted a sweep but Shigaraki wasn’t found and I didn’t know if I wanted him too. Midoriya was taken to the police station to file a report. 

I stood with the rest of my peers and waved them off with a “Please be careful getting home” as I walked to the carpark placing all my new things into the boot while my mother was on the phone to someone. Getting into the passenger side I waved to the group getting waves back and raised my phone pointing to it mouthing “Message me” I got nods and then I was off on the drive home. 

My mother complained to someone on the other side of the line, but their conversation ended quickly. Her eyes glazed over to my body for a moment before talking “Did you get everything you need” she seemed very calm which was odd. 

“Yes, I did” I responded and she nodded stopping at a roundabout “I’ll be gone for a week as of the camp, I don’t know if I’ll be able to message as we don’t know where we are going” I explained as she drove through turning to the main road, the road home. 

“That’s fine, you still have your suitcase” I hummed a yes and she nodded “Your father and I are going on a week vacation while you are gone” so that’s why she was being nice. She didn’t want me there anyway. “I’ll drop you off on Monday and pick you up when you get home” I nodded and the conversation was over. 

Arriving home we went our separate ways. I moved into my room and began to get messages from everyone that they got home. I sent a message that I arrived home safely. I was so worried about the league but shook my head and began to pack my bag for the trip. I arranged everything and then began to pack, Aizawa saying they had beds for us so I didn’t need to bring Tatami to the trip. I packed my pillow and then packed around it, the piece is the biggest. Clothing folded perfectly and then placed inside. I packed the PowerPoint and extra chargers just in case. I had to charge my headphones tonight. I lifted myself from the floor and put them on to charge. 

Then came dinner, it was simple and easy to eat. Down with some ice water I was in a good mood, and excited mood. A few moments on my phone then I was back to packing. I finished well into the night having made sure I had everything but leaving a note in the bathroom to pack my toiletries the day I was leaving before I left. I believed I was ready for bed as I stretched and then looked back to the bag. Amongst shopping, I had bought some t-shirts and shorts, ready for the outdoors. My boots were thick but flat so I could wear them without care if we had to do a lot of walking. I moved to pack a few jumpers for sleeping or if it got cold. I packed Bakugous without a thought.

I had gotten a message in a new group titled “The girls” I smiled when I was informed that I was being asked if I wanted to join the rest of the girls using the schools' pool tomorrow before the camp. “Use the school swimsuit,” I said I’d be there.

-

I had arrived at school the next day wearing the school swimsuit under my regular clothes and going to the changing room to undress when I saw the rest of the girls changing. I waved as they began to talk about nothing in particular and I joined in a few times. 

“I am so excited for camp,” Toru yelled, voice high and full of energy even though it was rather early in the morning. I was still just waking up, not quite remembering how I got to school. As I peeled off my shirt I watched as the girls stopped talking.

“It’s so weird, right” I was confused and I followed their gaze to my chest as I flushed and looked away “Oh sorry Y/N” Mina apologised and I waved a hand as it was ok. It was I didn’t mind. “We went shopping  and I was amazed” 

“I can see why your outfits make you look flat” Jiro bluntly stated and I nodded looking down at my breasts. I wasn’t flat I thought I had nice breasts. We continued to get changed and then walked out into the pool area. “We got permission off Aizawa to be here so there was no need to worry” I nodded, I didn’t think about it. Momo had planned this and I trusted her. 

We were just chilling stretching off to the side of the pool when the boys began to show up. The swimsuits weren’t too bad, covering my body, I should have brought something like this for the camp but I didn’t mind too much, I thought my outfit was cute. We stretched and then we began to play volleyball. We were having so much fun playing and joking with the girls. 

“Serve”

“Chance ball” 

“Got it” 

“Mine” 

We were having so much fun with I was smiling though I kept most of my body under the water being a little self-conscious of the tight clothing I was having fun nonetheless. I threw myself back aiming for a ball and hitting it over the net as I splashed into the water on my back gaining us a point. 

When my head rose I heard a loud voice “The next time I beat you, I want you to be at your strongest, you damn nerd” I turned seeing Bakugou in all his glory, shirt off and tight pants on. I watched him storm his way towards Midoriya and my heartbeat quicken. He was so attractive. The girls and I watched on confused as to what was happening. 

“Hey I got your message, sorry I'm late” Kirishima waved his hand around smiling. His arm was out holding Bakugou from the green-headed shaking male “It took a while to convince Bakugou to come out” I wanted to thank Kirishima for trying his hardest this is all I could have wanted. He was so muscular as I sighed out and flushed glad no one was paying attention to me. 

“So Deku, you wanna settle who's the best of us right now” Bakugou was sure in a mood, his arm raised and hand outstretched to allow his palms to pop with small harmless explosions. He was sure fired up “Huh” he yelled. Midoriya stepped back shaking his head. 

“You know what we could make this training a contest” Iida spoke more to himself then the group and my ears picked up on the chatter. “Hey everyone I propose we see which of the boys can swim 50 metres the fastest. A friendly race” he smiled and I couldn’t help the way my hands twitched. There was no such thing as a friendly race, at least in my books. 

I ducked beneath the water and swam over quickly as they all rounded up. I popped out of the water on an illusion raising myself in front of them in all my glory. “I hope I’m welcome” I smiled and saw their fearful faces. Licking my lips I dropped down in front of the water falling from my body as I smiled. “I do enjoy beating you all” I was not met with smiles but determined faces of my peers.

“OK then, the boys and Y/N” Iida nodded and I moved to crack my knuckles rather loudly as I saw a few of the boys look rather excited and some just look nervous. I think I saw Kaminari wince to the sound of cracking bones. 

“Iida why don’t you let us help you out with this” Momo asked the girls now out of the pool and looking excited as the rest of us. I was bouncing around, I was far too competitive for my good. I hated not being apart of competition but this was something else. This was a real competition. Iida agreed to the help, from the girls. 

“And quirks,” Ojiro asked slowly his hand raised with a towel around his neck “Are we allowed to use them” I could win easily if we did. Just set them on a little course that wasn’t in the pool and I could easily win. 

“Well, we are at school” Iida pondered, yes, just say we can. “So there shouldn’t be a problem with that” I smiled to the group and moved my hand letting out a little mist for emphasis I saw wide eyes and worried faces. “However you cannot cause damage to your classmates or the building” I could agree with that.

Bakugou walked forward and just past me to stand in front of Midoriya, they needed a new hobby “I’m going to annihilate you Deku” clenched fists and hard stare he spoke calmly, honestly. “And you too Icy-Hot” I turned to where his eyes were to see Todoroki sitting on the floor, without a shirt. The lords have blessed me today. “You bastard” he was in a bad mood, like always. Then the explosive blonde turned to me “You especially” then he walked off and I smiled. 

“I look forward to it” I called out behind him. We all moved into lines. I was in the second heat so I watched the first five boys race. Then the whistle went off. 

Bakugou was flying through the air landing on his feet at the end of the pool. “How was that you sidekicks” he called out hand raised and I smiled when he got backlash from his friends “It’s called freestyle swimming” he had a point it was a freestyle. 

Then it was my go with Todoroki, Sero, Kirishima and Sato “On your marks, get set, go” the whistle was off and I watched as an illusion came around them jumping in as I jumped off the ledge and walked to the other end of the pool stepping up and letting the illusion fall. Sero taping his way across the surface of the water and Todoroki surfing on ice.

“You’re supposed to be swimming” Kaminari and Mineta yelled as I simply shrugged my shoulders. Watching Sato and Kirishima get to the end of the pool. Todoroki looked at me as well. 

“What can I say. I like to win” I smiled and moved back to the lines “At least I touched the water” I put my hands on my hips and lined back up “Beside quirks are allowed and I didn’t hurt anybody or property” I wasn’t wrong. 

“It’s time for the final race. Bakugou, Y/N, Todoroki, Midoriya you had the fastest four times. You will fight for first place” his hands were on his hips as I nodded Midoriya and Todoroki making a verbal response. 

“Listen up scarface" I believed that to be a little harsh to the ear but then again that was Bakugou "Don’t you dare hold back as you did at the sports festival” his voice was so angry, he really still thought about that, did he forget I had beat him? ‘Bring everything you’ve got” I didn’t take it personally, I think Bakugou had a thing for people who didn’t take him seriously, while I did. “You too fight to win” he turned to Midoriya they were all agreeing and talking. 

“Are we forgetting I beat all three of you” I voiced and it went silent. “I mean” I laughed lightly an aura of danger being released. “I don’t like when people don’t take me seriously” I smiled and saw the nods.  

We got into place and I smirked standing on the pedestal. I could hear yelling and other things as I smiled seeing the boys activating their quirks and I sighed. “Get set” this would be easy. I smiled. “Go” as I went to jump I saw no illusion appear.

I heard the yells of my opponents as I fell into the water, having just stepped in instead of swimming. I rose to see Aizawa his hair up and quirk activated “It’s five pm, your authorised pool time is officially over. Hurry up and go home” did he have to do that. It was one race that would have been over in less than a minute. Kaminari and Sero voiced my complaints. “Are you questioning me” his eyes shone and I was glad I hadn’t been the one to talk.

We all rushed to get changed and go home once we were allowed. I sighed and got out of the pool feeling my quirk return to me, it was a weird feeling when it was off. Then I was heading home having to get ready for the camp. 

I ate once I was home and then began to repack making sure I had everything I needed when I finished packing for the night and laid down being rather exhausted more then I would like to admit. I sighed out and went on my phone seeing a message I had missed about a quarter of an hour before. “Do you have a spare charger I spent longer with my mother and left mine with her” Todorokis’ message read. I smiled, he had messaged me. 

“Yeah, I’ll pack it and give it to you at camp” I responded, I was never one for emojis or the little stickers but when I received one from Todoroki it being a little cat saying ‘Thank you’ I couldn’t help the blush rising to my cheeks. “No issues” I replied and stared at the ceiling for a moment to calm my racing heart. 

I was tired but that didn’t stop me from watching a video I wanted to catch up on, a few hours passed and it was getting close to midnight, I had to get some sleep. I moved to place my phone on charge, pulling the blanket over my body and the warmth and sleep consumed my form. Hello, summer break. 

_______________________________________________________________

Chapter 8 

[ambitionsource]

hi can we get some zaley friendship headcanons whenever you're free? ☺️

im not the best at headcanons just bc of the way my brain functions but im gonna do my best for you, sunny my friend. let’s go zay and riley let’s go!

thrift shop buddies!! one of the most common ways that they hang out is definitely going thrifting. considering they arguably have the two most eclectic wardrobes on the show, this makes sense. esp i fully believe they’re the perfect people to thrift shop with where they encourage each other to try on everything, even if it seems outlandish (and sometimes even more in those moments). that’s the only way to really get some good finds! and i feel like, beyond S1, when they wear items for performances in the show that are clearly unique / seem thrifted, it’s more than 50% likely the other helped them pick it out at some point

on this note, i think that they both have really good senses of what looks good on the other bc they spend this time together, probably better than anyone else (yes, including their significant others. not that that’s hard, since both of their significant others have notoriously bland fashion). like even when theyre not out together i can totally imagine them seeing something and being like “oh this is so riley / zay” and getting it for each other. they know each other’s sizes and have like an ongoing swap credit system gfJSKHJDLFH

riley and zay usually run performance by the other person before they perform them for the class / at an audition. like they find a specific time (usually during breakout sessions during class) to get in front of the other person and run them through their concept + do a run-through for them. they just really appreciate the other’s perspective, especially since they tend to complement each other -- zay is able to identify places where riley could heighten things or add some flair or just like... assert her talent more lmao, whereas riley helps zay pull back on some of his more overwhelming instincts when necessary or find the moments to truly lean in emotionally rather than blowing us out of the water the whole time

if we could actually Watch the show, i guarantee 9/10 times when riley or zay is performing, we would cut to the other enjoying the performance. like theyre always bobbing their head along and truly feelin the other’s performances. excellent vibes luv!

i also think they harmonize well with each other, which is why its kind of a shame they dont do more performances together within the context of assignments (as for why, couldn’t tell you... it might just be a weird psychological thing of like i have These people i perform with when it matters and these who are just for fun... like maybe zay and riley tend to see each other as easygoing comfortable duet partners and thats why they try not to overdo putting pressure on it). but yeah they absolutely have days where they just hang out in one of the rehearsal studios and play around on the piano and try to find ways to harmonize on their favorite songs. this is some of the best singing riley ever does, bc its so low stakes and fun

i also think that honestly, zay really helps strengthen riley’s vocals over the time they’re friends -- especially early on. riley is someone with good raw talent but she’s never thought about honing it seriously prior to joining aaa, whereas zay has been on a career mindset since he was little. so he is good at teaching her like small technique things or helping her expand her range and she really values that esp bc hes so selfless about giving it, but it doesnt come off naggy or unnecessary like maya’s advice often does

sometimes it can be hard for them to find songs they both wanna sing though bc their music taste is so different. i think they have like three small categories where their favorites overlap -- select big names (sza, chloe x halle), jazz / old-time crooners (frank sinatra, nina simone, and the like), and select musical theater. but i think this is mainly on zay, bc he’s much more picky about music than riley who will give anything a listen without much nudging. as we know zay likes to pick on his friends’ music taste (like charlie and harry styles / 1d) and i don’t think riley would escape this affectionate teasing. they exchange song recs and riley gives him like her usual piano ballad-y sara bareilles tswift rachael yamagata energy and shes like oh yes, another piano ballad and hes like STOP!!! JUST LISTEEEENNNN GFSJKLHJFDSKLHKDLFH

that said though, they’re definitely go-to friends when it comes to like checking out a new local artist or coffeeshop open mic nights. this is probably a typical zay / riley / yindra outing

zay doesn’t spend a ton of time watching tv bc “he has better things to do with his time,” but riley and zay are definitely the type to watch a show together. like not always Together, but they’ll try to keep up with each other so that they can talk about it (and riley has to try really hard not to keep binging and get way ahead of zay). theyre good at this bc they can have really intense and opinionated conversations about it but in a way where its like safe and neither of them feel like theyre actually being judged / are stupid if they disagree (something thats not common for riley, and zay usually is trying to discuss media with super strong personalities who aren’t great at Debating).

in general, though, they tend to agree on favorite characters / relationships. for example, they both hate rachel berry -- which always gets maya and farkle extremely heated if they’re around. i can only imagine why...

they’re also definitely safe-space vent people for each other. they don’t use the privilege all that often bc i think both of them try to like keep their cool and not get hung up about things, but if they really just have to pop off about something they know they can go to the other person and they’ll actually Listen and keep it under wraps rather than either spilling it to everyone else and/or immediately trying to problem solve rather than just listening to the Emotions. and it’s helpful bc for the most part, their friends don’t actually really overlap that much, so they don’t really like harbor the emotions the other person unloads on them or let it affect their dynamics with other people? like riley can talk about dasher and zay can talk about yingel without it having any ripple consequences bc theyre different circles.

for example, i can totally see riley talking to zay about how she feels like -- at first -- asher doesn’t really like her and won’t really let her in and like he doesn’t want her to join the friend group (even tho that isn’t really true). like she can’t talk to dylan about it bc she’s not going to put him in that position and she’s not foolish enough to think that’s a good idea, she can’t talk to lucas about it bc he like doesn’t get stuff like that gFJKHGLFJSDLH and also he has such a set impression of asher it would be hard for him to understand it from her perspective. zay has none of that, so hes a good person to listen to her nerves about it.

the only times this gets kind of complicated / janky is in the midst of zay x charlie stuff where riley is kind of unintentionally (or, sometimes, intentionally) in the middle. like, zay trusts her not to go telling charlie what he says about him, but he knows they’re good friends too, and its an awkward position to put her in. but still, i think when zay is really hurt or frustrated he’ll snap sometimes and just vent out all his anger about charlie to riley in one foul swoop, and she’ll just absorb it like a sponge without judgment and then not bring it up again. but you can also see little ways where this puts pressure on their friendship, like how when he was drunk in 304 zay expressed resentment towards the fact that riley also talks to charlie and sometimes he feels like she puts him first, even though that isn’t true. it’s just..... a very very complicated (and interesting, if emotional) situation with that trio.

that being said, when things are Good, i think that zay feels comfortable talking about his significant others (including charlie) with riley. he doesn’t really get too Detailed about anything personal or anything, but they definitely discussed charlie in s2 in the small window of time where riley knew and zc wasn’t actively imploding LMAO. on the flip side, riley doesn’t really talk to zay about her relationships, but only bc her relationship is lucas GJFSKLJHLKDJHFLDSH. like anyone else she’d be like okay sure this is fine but she knows zay finds lucas annoying 65% of the time and talking about him in a romantic context grosses him out so she respects that LMAOOOO. hysterical

in general, if they’re gonna hang out, they usually go to either a local coffee shop they like (like svorskis) or each other’s houses. its kind of a relief to have a person they can just take anywhere and have around their parents with no trouble at all, considering both of them are used to having a boyfriend who cant be seen in their house (for different reasons). and theyre comfortable enough that like i think when they hang out at their houses, they just spread out in the living area of both bc theyre not hiding anything, its like very lowkey and comfortable

that being said, riley doesnt spend much time in zay’s usual studio at school. most people don’t, its a place zay now likes to be alone (and it feels weird with someone else being there who isnt charlie)

as for how they come off to their families, the babineauxs love riley. jada has met her a couple of times and thinks she’s super sweet + zay could afford to learn a thing or two from her like how to chill the fuck out (cue zay going shut the fuck up). donna is excited that zay has another friend who isn’t batshit intense about stuff like maya / farkle, she figures yindra has the diva best friend role covered and zay needs more friends like nigel and riley to ground him. she’s right about this.

cory likes zay, but he also does have some prejudices from the teaching perspective about how zay doesn’t pay attention in class half the time and blows off his assignments -- but this isn’t partially because cory isn’t a great teacher and his assignments suck. so the feeling is mutual, tho zay gets along better with cory in a neutral, polite sense than say, asher and dylan, where it’s like guerilla psychological warfare. topanga has no opinion about zay bc riley doesn’t introduce her friends to her (wisely).

they’re still very common lunch buddies. essentially when riley isn’t eating with the techies (which is only when lucas is there usually) or bothering lucas in the booth once a week, she’s with zay (which usually also means nigel, yindra, and farkle, though not always)

ultimately, i think that when someone asks riley who her best friend is, her mind will always jump to zay first. not even because theyre necessarily the closest at any given time, but because he really was her first life raft at aaa and he extended that kindness to her in a moment where she was so used to being brushed aside, talked over, ridiculed -- and you don’t forget that. it stays with you. so when she thinks about her Best Friend, speed round answer, he will always come to mind first. i think she greatly admires his skillful balance of confidence and compassion, his sarcastic sense of humor, the way he gets so passionate about dance and music and how these elements come together, and his inarguable kindness that is at his core and so fundamental to everything he does (even when his more known reputation is a bit more barbed and witty).

on the flip side, i think riley came into zay’s life at the exact moment he needed it. we know he felt isolated in s1, and even though i think he thinks of nigel and yindra as his first-to-mind best friends, riley was a breath of fresh air who allowed him to be himself with someone who wasnt going to judge him on past decisions or impressions. just like he gave her the chance to define herself in his eyes with his extension of company on that first day, she does the same for him by not making assumptions about him and learning who he is on their terms. i think she’s also just a really great, measured system of support -- she’s not busting his balls or keeping him in check like yindra and nigel do (except when its really needed, like 304), but she isn’t as in awe / romanticized with him like charlie. i think he appreciates that he can go to her for an honest perspective, but she’ll take the care to deliver that honesty in a gentle way. it’s like, he’s tough enough to take a hit, but sometimes its nice to know you have someone who will be kind with you even then.

that’s what is at the core of their friendship overall. kindness.

-- Maggie

[katslitg]

how the open heart lis would react to you being pregnant. (obvs jackie’s pregnant in her scenario.)

Jackie Varma:

god she’d be pissed!!!!!!

“what do you mean positive??? check the other ten tests!!!!”

“jack, all of them say posi-“ “shut up!!!”

she’d be mad, mostly at herself for not being careful enough

pregnancy on top of money problems is rough

good thing you two already live together

wouldnt acknowledge it until she started showing

“dr varma, ure pregnant???” “yeah, just ignore it.”

shed ignore you at the beginning, not knowing what to do

“jackie, c’mon, you cant keep ignoring me! it takes to two to tango!” “i can and i will,”

when you finally force her to come shopping for baby clothes, supplies, furniture etc, she loves it

“omg look how adorable! can you believe our baby’s feet are this small!”

she’d become insecure further into the pregnancy

“what if im not going to be a good mom, hm?”

“don’t say that, jack, you’ll be a great mom,”

you two would move into the your room, since it had a better view and change her room into a nursery

the boys would help you put everything together.

“bryce, that’s not where its supposed to be- ykw forget it.”

“jesus, dr ramsey do you even know how to-“ bryce would shut up just seeing ethan give him a glare

“see i knew raf would come around to save the day” she’d flirt with him, making him blush

cutest mood swings ever!!!

“all im saying is he’s a fucking jerk and i- ohhh sienna are those donuts?”

jackie would get stressed at the weirdest moments, and you kiss her and cuddle with her to calm her down

“mc, you know i hate kids, why did this have to happen to us!!!!”

she’d slowly come to terms with the fact that she was going to become a parent

god giving birth would scare this woman, and trust me not a lot of things scare her

“mc, what if-“ “jack, breath, everything will be fine!”

when you two found out you’d have a daughter she smiled

“at least i wont have to deal with a little mc” she’d joke

when she got in labour she’d curse at everyone!!!

“AND YOU! YOU MC ARE THE WORST ONE HERE! GETTING ME PREGNANT AND THAN MAKING ME DO THE HARD PART I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!”

“uhhh....”

after a couple of years, the three of you would move into a bigger apartment, still close to the hospital

god, your daughter absolutely lovessssssssss aunt sienna and uncle elijah!!!! these two dorks would hang around with her all the time

“dad, can i stay at aunt sienna’s after school?”

“she’s working today sweetheart but mommy will be there to pick you up”

you two would have some sweet, annoying nicknames for her

love, sweetheart, sugar, honey etc

Bryce Lahela:

he’d be excited and scared

he would freeze when he found the positive pregnancy test in his trashcan

“i wanted to tell you but seems like you already found out,”

he’d shut you out and be less loud at work

“bryce, please talk to me” “uhh, cant have a long shift today”

but one day you’d show up to his apartment, keiki opened the door

“oh hey keiki, is bryce home?” “yeah come in”

youd try to get him to talk but man he was not feeling it

“i just need some space mc,”

wouldnt even take a week for him to come over and apologize to you

“im just not sure if i’d make a good dad, i mean i had two bad examples growing up, what if i-“

youd cut him off with a kiss

“no need to stress, bryce, im certain you will make a great dad!”

you two would have to look for a bigger place, and also someone to fill your spot at the apartment

sienna, elijah and jackie would help you decorate the nursery

“jackie those colours do not match with the blankets i bought” sienna would say while jackie just rolled her eyes

“well maybe you shouldn’ve bought so! many! blankets!” jackie said while holding up multiple blankets

“guys please its mc and bryce’s child we can’t fight over this” elijah was the only one who would think rationally

when you found out you were having a son bryce almost jumped into the air

“a little bryce,,,,” he’d say with heart eyes, making you roll your eyes

when you went into labour, he’d be the one freaking out

“can’t believe im saying this when im the one in labour, but good god bryce calm down!”

uncle raf!!!!! aunt kyra!!!!!

rafael and kyra would absolutely adore your son!!!! theyd fight over whose turn it was to babysit

“kyra, you had him last weekend!” “but mc said he always talks about how fun aunt kyra is!”

“why dont you two take him to the park together? he loves both aunt kyra and uncle rafael equally” bryce would say, making the two adults reluctantly agree

“finally a moment alone with the woman of my dreams” he said the second they left, making you chuckle

keiki would hang out with your son. occasionally.

“aunt keiki can you read me a bedtime story?” “right. im aunt keiki.”

she’d love it secretly

Rafael Averio: (pretending sora doesnt exist here lol)

this man would beam with joy!!!

he had always dreamt of having a big family of his own

“youre pregnant?” “yeah.... i-“ he’d kiss you before you could even say anything else

would brag to everyone about it

“do you guys know im goin-“ “going to be a dad? yes raf you told us like a million times” his paramedic friends would say

it was even funnier when you saw how some people avoided him because of it

would not leave ur side

“jesus ever heard of personal space?” “oops sorry”

he’d be at ur apartment all the time

“raf, not that we don’t enjoy you being here but don’t you idk have other friends?” jackie would try to get him out of the house

sienna’d be fine with it since he would help her cook n bake stuff

“i didnt know you cooked!” “not really just some stuff i picked up from my grandma”

he’d sleep over at your apartment

when you got insecure he’d talk to you and make u forgot about it in a certain way ;)

“what if im not a good mom? or what if your fanily doesn’t approve of me?? oh good god this is not going how i imagined-“ “relax, you know my family loves you, now get over here”

you’d move in with him, and get someone to fill ur spot in the apartment

the two of you going to the senior center together!!!

“now edith you better not get to comfortable” you’d joke, earning a laugh from rafael

kyra and bryce would come over and help with the nursery, of course it was after the boys’ gym day so bryce dragged ethan with them

“hey gu- oh hey dr ramsey!” you’d say with a bright smile when you opened the front door.

“kyra not that i dont love you but what even is this?” “yeah i tried to make a blanket but as you can see it backfired”

“uhm ethan you sure that this is the color we picked out?” bryce would panic, knowing damn well they didnt do the one you asked them to do right

“well good thing aunt kyra did got the good color” she’d go get it from the car while the two men started at her in confussion

when you found out you were having a girl he got super excited

“a little mc running around the house” he’d say, already coming up with names

when you’d go into labour he’d put up a calm gentle persona while in reality he wanted to screammmmm

uncle bryce n aunt jackie!!!

u cant tell me bryce n raf havent become close friends

“hey dad can uncle bryce and aunt jackie stay for dinner?” “sweetie youre ignoring the rest of our guests”

even tho they would admit it bryce and jackie loved babysitting her

“do you want to come with uncle bryce?” “bryce thats enough its MY day!”

his family would come around often, bringing gifts every single time

his grandma would try to get him to propose, earning glares from him

when your daughter heard juliana say something along the lines of “when is the wedding” she’d get super excited!!!

“are you two really getting married??!!”

Ethan Ramsey:

you two would already be in an awkward position bc of the gwyneth thing

what was worse was that he admitted to not wanting to get married and have children

god, that little fight on the way to leland and at house took a toll on you, so when june came to check on you back in the hospital you told her

“so, youre pregnant?” “yeah” you’d sob

she wouldnt force you to tell her who the dad is, but it was obvious

before the fight you’d always come to the diagnostics team’s meetings with a smile on your face but now it was a neutral face or sometimes even a frown

soooo ethan found out. not directly from you, but from june, resulting in another fight

“you told june but not me?” “you dont even want kids i cant just casually bring it up!”

the awkwardness would be there for a while, im talking 2-3 months

“enough already! you two talk this out! not only is this bad enough for the two of you but also for me and baz! think about us! and our patients!” june’d snap one day

you’d talk it out, still awkward around each other

“jesus, ethan we can’t keep doing this, i have an appointment to check on the little one, you want to join?” you would try to keep the awkwardness at a certain level, he’d nod with a smile on his face

so when he found out he was having a son, he’d be happy, still very scared but very happy

“im sorry, mc. i acted as a jerk and didnt listen to your needs. i want to be in your and our baby’s lives.”

he’d ask you to move in with him, which you reluctantly agreed to, i mean there wasnt even enough space for a nursery in your apartment

sienna would invite herself and elijah over to help you with the nursery , since they knew about you two since that time after the hearing

“thank you, trinh,” ethan would say as he accepted the cookies she had baked

“i helped too. just so you know” elijah chimed in, earning a chuckle from you

god labour was the worst, you had to do an emergency c section since it was a bit too early for the baby to be born

so when they send your son off to the nicu, ethan would be there the whole time, very worried

“dr ramsey, you should go we’ll take care of him” the nurses would try to get him out of there with no luck, “no its fine i just want to stay here”

when you two could finally go home he would make sure to never youre side

“mc do you need anything? want me to bring you something to drink? maybe an extra blanke-“ “ethan shut uppppppppppppppppp its 3 am”

of course your friends would come over but not as often since they had to take care of their interns and stuff

uncle baz and aunt june!!!!!

“AUNT JUNE!!!!” he’d yell when you, june and baz picked him up from the daycare at the hospital

“wow so youre just ignoring uncle baz?” baz would act hurt, making the boy laugh

[mithranqueersmusings]

Before This Dance Is Through IV

Chapter: 4/16

Rating: U

Summary: Ringo's being going through a dry spell for the last year or so and when he regretfully tells his best friend John, he insists on taking them to an all-male strip club for some "fun". Ringo isn't sure whether it's the alcohol, his desperation or a mixture of the two but he thinks he might be falling in love with a stripper.

Tags: AU - Strippers, Modern Setting, Smut, Slow Burn

Pairings: George Harrison/Ringo Starr, John Lennon/Paul McCartney

AO3 link here / Fic masterlist here

Once Ringo had managed to compose himself, which took far longer than he'd care to admit, he ventured back out into the chaos of the club in search of John. He wasn't difficult to find, standing at the front of the stage cheering - practically screaming - and waving money around to get the dancer's attention. Unsurprisingly, the dancer was Paul. He was currently spinning around the pole with one hand, his ankles entwined to give him support. It was quite a beautiful sight, Ringo thought, watching his gentle movements. The club was considerably more empty by this point and the remainder of the customers had circled around the stage. Ringo slinked past a few drunken layabouts as he made his way over to John, he had to shout in his ear just to get his attention.

"Oh, Ringo!" John grinned, his breath stank of whiskey "How'd it go?"

"A little too well." Ringo chuckled, he coaxed John to sit down.

"Did he almost kill you this time?" John only passed Ringo a few glances, mostly his attention was on Paul.

"I think he did kill me. Then brought me back. Then killed me again." Ringo picked up John's drink and took a sip "Are they supposed to touch you?"

John paused his shouting for a moment "Touch you how?"

"Just... Y'know, touching. Getting me to touch him, him touching my chest." Ringo decided to leave out the crotch contact, he still wasn't sure whether it was intentional or not.

"Oh yeah, that's fine. As long as you're both consenting o'course. And as long as he's not dropping on his knees and sucking you off." John laughed and Ringo almost choked on the drink, the image those words conjured up was a surprising one.

"How much longer are you planning on staying?" Ringo settled back in his seat and turned his attention to Paul.

"Why? You in a hurry to get home and bash one out?" John nudged him without pulling his eyes away from the stage.

"Speak for yourself." Ringo scoffed, he didn't see the point in denying it.

"We can head out after Paulie's done." John nodded to gesture towards the man in question.

"Fine." Ringo stretched his legs out in front of him.

If he hadn't been so exhausted from Spike, Ringo probably would've gotten a little excited watching Paul but he was completely worn out. John had a shine in his eyes that Ringo didn't see very often, and his happiness was definitely contagious. They sat watching Paul for another two songs, during which he exhibited a ridiculous amount of core strength that Ringo could only dream of ever achieving. It was obvious that John was hoping to catch Paul before they headed back home, as much as he was trying to hide it, and Ringo probably would've hung around with him had he not been so exhausted or so sure that John was probably going to be back here within the week. In truth the main reason Ringo wanted to get out of there so quickly was because he didn't want to risk seeing Spike again, or rather Spike seeing him again; Ringo happily could've watched him from a safe distance all night but as soon as Spike was looking right back at him, knowing what Ringo was thinking, that was too much.

The cold night air stung Ringo's face and hands as they stepped back out into the street. Luckily his car wasn't too far away and while he was perhaps a little too tipsy to be driving he made sure he stayed off the main roads and never went over the speed limit - he could drive recklessly when he was sober but he'd never risk that when he was drunk. John was the only one talking on the drive back to his place, mostly rambling about things Ringo couldn't understand so he just nodded along and made affirming noises.

John leaned on Ringo for support as they walked up to his front door, Ringo knew he wasn't so drunk that he couldn't walk but he tended to do this when he was feeling a little lonely. Ringo had gotten more than used to it by now, he'd had to carry John to bed bridal style many times over the years so this was nothing. John fell face first down onto his bed which was still unmade and either fell asleep immediately or wanted Ringo to think he had. It had almost become a routine by this point: Ringo drove them home, carried John up to his room, left a glass of water by his bed and tidied up a few bits and pieces on his way out. Occasionally he'd check in John's fridge to see if he had any food in and if it was empty, which it often was, he'd offer to buy or cook the two of them dinner the next day. Ringo wasn't the subtlest about it sometimes, once or twice he'd even shown up with bags filled with groceries and left after handing them over without much of an explanation. John never acknowledged any of these things Ringo did, at least not verbally, but Ringo knew he appreciated them and he was sure John repaid the favour in some ways he wasn't aware of, or very aware of in the case of tonight.

Exhaustion hit like a strong wave once Ringo finally got back to his own place. He kicked off his shoes carelessly in the hallway and staggered into his bedroom; he didn't dare look at the time before he slid into bed, just chucked his phone into the furthest corner hoping that he'd remembered to set his alarm for the following morning. As soon as his head hit the pillow he expected to fall asleep almost instantly but his brain had other ideas. His body was definitely ready for sleep, his eyes were stinging and his muscles ached a little yet his mind was racing. This didn't happen a lot. Ringo was notoriously known for how well he slept and how loudly he snored but tonight that wasn't the case. He couldn't shake the images of the night from his mind or how warm Spike's skin had felt beneath his fingertips or the inviting smell of him. Ringo let out a groan as he tossed and turned, as though vigorous movement would throw the thoughts out of his head. The last thing he wanted to do was give into the urge but the first thing he wanted to do was sleep, and it was a pretty strong urge. Was there any better way to get to sleep than a quick orgasm? Probably. Ringo just had to tell himself that he was doing this purely for that purpose, as he wanked himself off under the covers with his eyes scrunched tightly and his brain filled with thoughts of Spike.

The following day was fairly uneventful, Ringo was up on time to sit eating breakfast in front of the television for an hour before he had to head out for work. It was his weekly lesson with a kid called Peter, he was nice enough and his parents were more than pleasant if not a little stupid. He'd been working with Peter for almost a year and while he'd made a great deal of progress since their first lesson he wasn't showing a massive amount of promise, but at least he was trying. Sometimes Ringo felt like speaking to his parents privately and breaking the news that their son wasn't going to become a world famous drummer, probably not even a locally famous one, but he needed the money too much. Peter was better than a lot of Ringo's students, most of which had watched Whiplash a few too many times and decided they wanted to be the next John Bonham only to give up in two months because it was 'too hard'.

After their lesson ended Ringo decided to walk around town for a little while, usually he'd be out in search of lunch by now but Peter's parents always prepared him some food which he was never too polite to refuse - after all smoked salmon was considerably more appetising than a tepid sausage roll from Greggs. He decided to pop into his favourite record shop, although it wasn't like there were many others to choose from. Despite the accessibility to music his phone provided, Ringo always had a deep love for vinyl records; they were nostalgic somehow, even if they had no significance to his own childhood. Like most record shops, this one sold a fair bit of vintage clothing too although Ringo was never too interested in that. He didn't really have any particular record in mind as he walked in so ended up browsing through the plethora of options. There was only one other person in the shop, excluding the owner who sat behind the counter and gave Ringo a welcoming smile, but it sounded like there were a couple of people downstairs in the clothing section. As Ringo began to flick through some of the records his phone buzzed in his pocket.

        can you bring me coffee???

It was John, which was a little surprising considering he usually didn't wake up until far later in the afternoon if he'd been drinking heavily the night before.

         hello to you too

        i dont have time for formalities i need COFFEE

         why dont you have any coffee in your house

         i dont have time for questions either

         any coffee in particular my liege?

         ha ha          just get me one from maccies pleaseeee

         fine im just in town atm can you wait like 10 mins

         suppose ill have to

         suddenly im too busy

         shut up just bring me coffee ill love you forever and all that

         i should bloody think so too

Ringo chuckled to himself quietly as he put his phone back into his pocket, he took a final quick look at the stack of records then began making his way outside. Before he could make it to the door he suddenly collided with someone who had been turning up from the staircase, which resulted in a few pieces of clothing flying upwards and landing on the ground. Ringo began apologising immediately, crouching down to pick up the clothes to hand them back over. As he straightened back up to apologise for perhaps the fourth time he froze upon seeing exactly who he'd bumped into.

"Spike." Ringo blurted out, his brain had decided to throw the name out as soon as it crossed his mind.

"Only after 9." He responded instantaneously, it must've been a frequent line he used "Do I... Oh! It's you."

"The very same." Ringo chuckled nervously, he wondered whether he'd actually recognised him or was just being polite - Ringo couldn't decide which one he'd prefer.

It was very strange seeing him like this, so normal that it was abnormal. He was wearing a dark blue turtleneck which framed his sharp jaw and hugged his slim body nicely. Over that lay a yellow beaded necklace and his trousers were a dark suede material; he looked good, somehow more alluring when he was fully clothed. Ringo noticed he was staring, he only hoped that Spike hadn't noticed but it was impossible to tell with the unreadable darkness of his eyes. He cleared his throat, as if he couldn't get any more obvious, then held out the patterned shirt he'd picked up so Spike could take it from him. Their hands brushed slightly at the exchange and Ringo felt the hairs on his arm standing up.

"They're nice, er- Nice clothes." Ringo stammered, yanking his hand back to his side.

"Suppose I should be thanking you for them." Spike replied, there was a faint smile on his lips.

"Oh?" Ringo heard the pitch of his voice rising slightly.

"You helped pay for them." Spike explained, the smile grew.

"Well John paid, really. But he does owe me money so I guess I did pay in a way. Glad to see the money's going somewhere good either way." Ringo rambled, once again his mouth was moving before his brain could stop it.

"Right." Spike said, his tone was very final yet he didn't move to leave.

"I best be getting out of your way so you can actually pay for those." Ringo shuffled sideways towards the door, expecting Spike to step backwards to give him some room but he just stood there looking at him - was it not enough to make him suffer at the club, did he have to punish him now too?

"Are you always this nervous?" Spike grinned.

"No I- You just caught me by surprise is all." Ringo forced himself to take a deep breath.

"Okay." Spike squinted his eyes slightly then turned to head towards the counter.

Ringo was surprised he was able to get back to his car without collapsing, all the tension leaving his body as soon as Spike's eyes were off him made him feel practically boneless. Spike didn't look back at him but Ringo supposed he didn't have to, he would've known he was staring at him. Ringo gripped the steering wheel tightly as he drove, somehow managing to make it to the drive-through without consciously driving there. He ordered a coffee for John and a milkshake for himself, he figured he could do with a pick-me-up after that atrocious encounter. Not once in all the times he'd gone to that shop had he seen Spike there, and it couldn't have been a case of merely not noticing him before because Ringo definitely would've noticed someone looking like that walking around. It felt like God was playing some cruel trick on him, but in reality it was nothing more than a coincidence married with Spike's cruelty which produced that painful exchange. Ringo tried not to think about it as he drove over to John's but his brain had apparently decided to betray him, just as his mouth had done earlier.

John had took a while to answer the door and Ringo began to worry that he'd fallen back asleep - it was times like this that he figured he may as well have a key to his place. When the door swung open, Ringo burst in a little too aggressively and knocked John backwards slightly.

"Jesus, what's crawled up your arse?" John chuckled as he closed the door "Don't tell me the ice cream machine was broken again."

John's presence calmed Ringo significantly but he couldn't shake the tension in his body completely "Guess who I just bumped into." He set the drinks down on John's kitchen table and took a seat.

"Ooh was it that guy from the train station? Or how about-" John took a seat opposite him and gripped the coffee eagerly.

"You're not actually meant to guess." Ringo interrupted, he tried to sound commanding but it was a little difficult when he was holding a strawberry milkshake.

"Then don't say 'guess' you git. The English language is wasted on you." John put his feet up on the table "Who was it then?"

"Spike." Ringo widened his eyes.

"No shit. Really?" John cackled "What happened?"

"I was at that record shop and he was coming up from the basement and I walked straight into him." Ringo explained.

"Nothing straight about it." John mumbled behind his coffee.

"Funny." Ringo glared "It was so fucking embarrassing, I could hardly speak."

"What did he say?" John asked.

"Nothing really. He probably said about three words so I figured he didn't want to talk to me but he just stood there. I didn't want to be rude and just rush out but looking back I probably should've." Ringo sighed.

"Yeah, you probably should've." John snickered.

"Not helping."

"What do you want me to say?"

"I dunno... I'm sure it wasn't that bad or something."

"Well, was it that bad?"

"He asked me if I was always so nervous."

John burst into laughter "Jesus, Ringo. That's pretty bad."

"Guess that's the last time I'll be going to the strip club, or the record shop for that matter."

"Don't be so dramatic. So you were a little awkward in front of him, who cares?"

"I care."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want him thinking I'm some sort of loser."

"Why do you give a shit what he thinks?"

Ringo didn't say anything, he just held his cup tightly and looked at John straight in the eye.

"Look, you've got nothing to get so worked up about. If he thought you were so pathetic he wouldn't have even spoken to you." John lifted his feet off the table and leaned forward in his seat "He's just messing with you, probably thinks it's funny."

"He was smiling." Ringo mumbled.

"Well there you go." John reached his hand forward and poked at Ringo's arm "You're being ridiculous. Chances are you won't bump into him again, you've gone your whole life without doing it before."

"But-" Ringo began.

"No buts! Unless they're butts on the stage covered in leather I don't wanna hear it." John interrupted "Bottom line is you like watching this guy strip right?"

"Well, yeah-" Ringo tried again.

"So what's the problem? It's not like you found out he's your cousin or one of your students, is it?" John smiled warmly.

"Suppose not." Ringo couldn't help smiling too.

"We really need to get you laid, it's making you crazy. I'm supposed to be the crazy one, don't try and take that away from me." John leaned back in his chair again.

"I don't intend to." Ringo chuckled looking down at his feet.

"So... Same time next week?" John raised his eyebrows expectantly.

"You really hate me, don't you?"

"On the contrary! I love you very much, my dear Ringo. That's exactly why I'm gonna take you back there so you can prove you're not some pathetic weirdo."

"How exactly?"

"Just be yourself, you can manage that can't you?"

"Not quite sure I want to."

"Oh hush. Leave the self-deprecation to me if you don't mind." John paused to sip his coffee "This time next week you'll have forgotten all about this, and I'm sure he will too."

"I guess you're right."

But John hadn't been right. Ringo had thought about that small exchange for days. He found himself picking apart every small moment and trying to rationalise it in his mind: had Spike actually recognised him? Why did he just stand there while Ringo tried to squeeze past? Why had been smiling so strangely the whole time? No matter how many answers Ringo tried to give to himself, the whole situation only became more confusing. He felt like a teenager again, stumbling over his words and blushing at the tiniest bit of contact. It was pathetic, shameful really. Maybe if he just took John's advice and actually went and slept with someone all these weird feelings would just be gone. But he didn't want just someone, he wanted him.

[bluem0use]

It's about time I introduced you to the cast of The Crackin'-Up Studios. Don't worry. You'll be seeing them again, especially in the mini-comics!

**In order from top to bottom, left to right**

Billie Bob Willie-Nillie Black Sheep: The overall face of The Crackin'-Up Studios itself. She is the ring leader to the whole circus. The pilot to all the flight attendance. The manager to a corporate office. You get the whole idea. She's one poppin' fire-cracker (A.K.A. has a short temper) that's all for the business, but doesn't mind getting silly from time to time. On screen, she is the definition of unpredictable and crazy, fun and silly. She's a gun happy country gal that started off small and came out big with her talents for making people laugh. She worked hard to get her way to the top. And all of it has obviously paid off. If someone was to use words to describe her, it would be fun, loving, friendly, brave, courageous, generous, the list could go on and on. This gun-loving  little lady, no matter where she goes, always somehow seems to change people's lives. And for the better.

Poochie Pooh Poodle: Billie's partner-in-crime. Her bestest friend since her younger years. Her ride or die buddy. Poochie is the main co-star to the series, and a serious eye-candy to men. While Billie is featured as the funny, wacky, unpredictable, quirky character on-screen of the trio, Poochie is often featured as the sex-appeal. The sex symbol. The hot mama. She also models as a little side job whenever necessary. She's the sweetest sweetie-pie you will ever meet in your life. However, proceed with caution. When provoked, she's one sassy gal and won't hesitate to give you a mouthful (and probably a gun wound) if you mess with her, or her friends.

Wolfie Blackfang Wolf: What's the three musketeers without a male in the picture? Wolfie may not have known these two women as long as they've known each other, but their his closest family he's ever had since he left the orphanage. He is also the main co-star to the series, accompanied by being the musical genius of the three. Since a young boy, Wolfie has practiced music as not only his hobby, but his life. His alluring ability was able to trap the young black sheep and poodle in a trance on a fateful night in a club where he worked to try and make a living, thus landing him a job and a ticket to materialization through the ladies. From there, he has always acted as the stud of the three, protecting them whenever they needed an extra hand and also charming women with his attractive voice along the way.

Candy Bat: This "monster", this "usually nocturnal creature of the night", this "mysterious shadow" is nothing but a sweet treat in the eyes of many who travel far and wide to Nightwalk Bay to get a taste of his sweet treats at the local candy shop. At least, that's what Billie, Poochie, and Wolfie will tell ya. Famous for his line of business, Candy Bat is a harmless, humble candy man..err..bat that seeks nothing but to fill the mouths of the fortunate with a sweet after-taste. His delicious pastries, frozen desserts, and fizzy drinks aren't the only thing that appeals to the eyes of many. He's also a support character at The Crackin'-Up Studios during the day and a friendly (but hissy, due to his uncontrollable excited hisses whenever he meets someone new and/or is excited) candy shop-keeper at night.

Scratches: Whoa, watch out for that web! There's a BIG spider up there! And his name is none other than Scratches, yet another support cast character for The Crackin'-Up Studios. When in the presence of my six-armed friend, be cautious. Scratches loves the ladies and will go through extreme lengths to entangle you in his web, if he deems you a worthy enough mate. Don't worry fellas, he doesn't swing that way. Though..spider's gotta eat, right? What? Spiders only eat insects? Not this playful, flirtatious one. Note that this spider is dead, and has been ressurrected after a deal made by Ozzan (scroll down to reference Ozzan's bio). Therefore, Scratches likes human flesh too. Dont worry too much though. He's too busy chasing both Poochie and Billie around the studios, trying to declare his love for them. Though...something about a huge demon spider just..turns those two ladies off.

Honey Hyena: As the name implies, this hyena is sweet as honey! Raised on a bee farm, this little lady never expected to end up being a supporting cast character to The Crackin'-Up Studios. That was, until a little Black Sheep mozied on over and decided to offer her the position and the materialization process just like everyone else. She figured the nice lady would need the money boost besides "Milkin' bees all day long" - Billie. Honey loves bees. In fact, on her days off from woking at the studios, that's all she does! Is work, work, work at her long-descended family bee farm, making honey and selling it for some dough (money) as a side job. She is also the motherly figure to all the cartoon ladies on set and often tries to share her knowledge with them in hopes she can help guide them on the right path. I mean, not everyone is perfect, right?

Bon Isabell Bunny: Daughter of a long deceased magician (who was, ironically a white bunny), she has seeked to find more support by becoming a supporting cast character to the TV series. However, though, she wasn't looking to be a supporting character when offered the job by Billie Bob. Bon has a bit of a...strong hatred for Billie Bob. Bon saw how much love and respect the black sheep got, even from her "enemies". So, what does this tempered (its just as bad as Billie's, trust me), quick-to-anger, grumpy gal do? Well, it's like they say, "Kill the sheep, take her wool!". That is...if she could catch her first. Forever caught in this game of cat-and-mouse on screen and off screen, Bon decided to settle into this position for now. Hopefully one day, her magic tricks and traps can pay off and actually earn her a spot in the lead position.

Bon Iseah Bunny: Twin brother to the other Bon Bunny, this bunny seems the complete opposite of his sister. This magic bunny doesn't mind being a supporting cast character, and instead enjoys making others smile with her magic tricks and qurkiness. After all, its what his deceased magician father would have wanted. He admires Billie and everything that she does not only for everyone else, but herself. He just hopes with time, his sister can see that. For now, this calm bunny will just have to play as yin to his sister's yang (A.K.A., trying his best to calm her in her most stressed and ferocious moments).

Molly Cow: Before her rise to fame as another member of The Crackin'-Up Studios crew, Molly Cow, the half-pig half-cow offspring, could not keep a job to save her life! She was lazy, less focused, often slacking or ducking off, and/or giving up before she even set foot in the door! The funny thing is, she wouldn't care, and just go back to living with her parents. Seeing as though Molly's confident and care-free attitude was a necessity to bring on some laughs, all Billie had to do was offer a hand to the voluptuous, intriguing young woman and for some odd reason, this cartoon has managed to keep the job ever since. Side note, if you ask her what her "other" job would be whenever she brings it up, it would be shopping. She is ALL about the fashion!

Malachi (formerly known as "Michael Jamesking"): Yes, Malachi is actually an angel. AND, he is also a featuring asset to the team whenever needed. With the help of one of Veronica's potions (scroll down to reference Veronica's bio), he has the ability to shrink down to size on command. He also is a good line of defense if life-threatening danger ever be-falls the company, for even if he is a judgement angel, he is considered very powerful against a mortal (unless demon weapons are used against him). He is pure, friendly, and kind, however, you must not associate yourself with the presence of evil upon first meetings. He IS a jugement angel after all and will be quick to judge you and shame you for your choice of sin and avoid you like the plague while also be-littleing you. Ironically, the only exception to this treatment is Ozzan (his best friend in all universes) and Bendy (in the head-canon canon universe). Also note, Malachi was never always Malachi. Malachi was once Michael, a regular, normal, working business man who unfortunately got hit by a car on his morning rush to work.

Ozzan: Oh boy. This one's a bad one. If you thought Scratches (scroll up to reference Scratche's bio) was bad, wait until you get a load of this one! This foul-mouthed, ill-mannered, obnoxious, flirtatious pervert is somehow a necessity to The Crackin'-Up Studios. His crude sense of humor and anctics tend to get a good laugh out of adults more than oblivious children. He will flirt with anything, sleep with anything, hell even risk catching some sort of SEXUAL DISEASE for anything that has legs. This man lives, breathes, and embraces everything that is bad at every cost, every time. Its possibly why he was so close to Lucifer (the Devil) back when he was in Hell. Though, take caution. If you piss him off (which isn't really hard to do), he WILL tear you to bits and peices with his bare fists. Also, beware of tentacles and trendils ladies. He has them everywhere and can use them not only in battle, but also for...other things. So beware and..make sure your doors are locked.

Veronica Bat: Born "Daddy's Little Monster", Veronica is the daughter of Candy Bat and Valentine Naxxremis (formerly Bat)(She will be referenced in the next ref). For most of her life, she has lived with her mother and embraced her witch-hood, which usually ends up with the little gloom and doom bookworm getting bullied for being a "half-breed". However, her luck gets turned around when she meets Billie Bob (like a lot of these people's do) who helps instill in her to be happy to be herself and to screw what everyone else says..and to also get back at them at all costs. She looks up to Billie and Poochie as her "Aunties", though, has trouble getting along with her father. She was raised to believe she had left her and her mother and never really loved them. Which, is obviously not true, but, she has a hard time believing that. Once welcomed to the cast, Veronica is a huge hit with the goth little teen girls who aspire to be like her: beautiful and mysterious. Let's just hope she gets he powers under control first, for she struggles with that a great deal on screen for comical effect and off screen.

Patricia Greene Pig: (A/N: She probably has had the MOST change out of all of them, so beware) Patricia is Delloris's (scroll down for Delloris's bio) bestest friend since childhood. Snobby, rude, sassy, class. All of these combined makes her perfect for scenes where she's the girl that thinks she's too good for the male trying to win her heart. Likes are, their only trying to "woo" it for her money. Oh, did I mention she's very wealthy? Her and Delloris aren't friends for nothing. You have to have some sort of status when it comes to getting in goods with the mayor's one and only daughter. Also note that Patricia is an EXTREME germo-phobe and will pelt you down with germ-x if you've so much as TOUCHED an un-sanitized door knob.

Hank Kat: Hank Kat has been an aspired musician since he was a little boy. He has really known the struggles of what it's like to be broke from both of his poor parents. So, as a way to raise some money, he went out on the streets and played his father's old rusty trumphet for some pocket change. Crowds were so awed at his talent, before long, Hank was hitting the clubs to try and win over some cash to take care of his parents once he became of age. Similar to Wolfie, Poochie had just so happened to stumble upon him. Though they didn't exactly see eye-to-eye due to species war, they were able to put their differences aside the night they had spent together, dancing the night away. As they danced, Poochie would listen to this party-goer's story and become sympathetic for the poor fellow. Thus, she figured his wallet could be fed a little more and thus offered for him to be a support character on the team. With his toe-tappin', feed stompin', hand wavin; jams that he can play on trombone, trumphet, pretty much just about any instrument he could blow into, he would become not only a major asset to the supporting cast, but also the music, both at his day job at the studios and his night job in the clubs.

Puncho: This "unstoppable brick wall" can take a punch and also pack it. After all, they don't call him "Puncho" for nothing! Though he's not much of fan favorite unless it comes to his famous boxing episodes, Puncho is a well-served supporting cast in the crew. He's often seen alongside his partner, Scraps Skunk (scroll down for Scrap's bio), no matter what the situation. He has a temper just like Billie, girl Bon, and Ozzan, however, instead of unleashing it by yelling at coworkers and throwing large objects (Billie), chasing someone down the hall with a chainsaw (Girl Bon), or spewing a bunch of curse words that's enough to make a sailor blush (Ozzan), he lets out his steam in the ring. He is the undefeated champion (if you don't count his and Billie's first brawl in one of her posters) within the boxing ring and anyone who dare wants to challenge him in taking his belt, well. Better be prepared for the pain. Bring a lot of ice.

Scraps Skunk: A timid, shy soul who is pure and good at working the ring as a referee. He plays fair though, he always will support his bestest friend, Puncho no matter what. His often scared, frightened, shaky attitude is welcomed on screen whenever needed. He was often bullied through his childhood and unlike those who have toughed up from it, he only seemed to soften. Hell, even Billie has chewed him out for his overly push-over nature. Though, she gives up. For nothing can change this poor man's soft heart and kind ways.

Wallis Moose: What else to say about this guy besides him obviously being a horrible detective? After his first appearance as one in one of Billie's episodes, Wallis fell in love with the idea of being one and even off screen, tries to solve "mysteries" wherever he is needed. However, he always slips up short and makes himself to be a fool. How did he even earn a spot on the team? Well, to put it simple, Wallis is a stone cold, hard drunk. He drinks and drinks and drinks, and when he's hiccuping and stumbling all over the place, Billie couldn't help but find it amusing the first time they met. After all, the first night they met, they both danced drunkinly through the streets of Nightwalk Bay, where they somehow met. As kooky as it sounds, it actually happened. Believe me.

Chico Georgina Chick: This once poor broken flapper was able to leave her broken past of having to prostitute herself on the streets and go some nights starving behind. Coincidentally, Chico was given another opportunity at a better life by Hank Kat (scroll up for Hank's bio), who happened to run into her at one of the clubs and show her a much better life than what she was living by offering her a position at the studios and materialization through the machine. Now a re-born, classy lady, this former flapper...heh...well, let's be honest. Girl loves to party and dance like there's none tomorrow, is ready to bring all the club's joy and bump to the table on screen. Hank is often seen by her side, playing away on his trumphet while she dances on top of a table. Nothing too promiscuous or provocitive. Want to keep the adult's attention but not as much. She's known as the party girl out of the group and also knows a thing or two about fashion. Also, keep her as FAR away from Molly (scroll up for Molly's bio) as possible..they fight a lot.

Delloris Acorn: Delloris is the beloved daughter of the mayor of Toon City, within the alternate world where cartoons "live". Her mother died giving childbirth and though she never knew her mother. She was always expected to act lady-like and proper, is why she carries herself that way. Though, the day Billie met Delloris and her father and was allowed to spend the day with her, Billie turned her upside down and all around. To the point Delloris came home, dress cut into a tank-top, short short overalls, knee-high socks, messy hair, and busted shoes. Billie's excuse was they were pig wrestling (no pun intended Patricia). Her father was awfully upset and almost demanded Billie to be arrested, however, Billie's sly deal to offer Delloris a spot at the studios was the only thing that saved her from some jail time. Now, while away from her rich and perfect life as the mayor's "little princess", she's allowed to get down and dirty. Especially on screen where down and dirty are necessary for some laughs.

Mad Mouse (also known as "Maddison K Mouse"): Why is this mouse so quiet and mysterious? Why does he never speak or even take off his goggles? Wait, is this mouse even a "he" at all? Well, yes and no. To put a long story short, back in these days and times of the early 1900s, women weren't taken seriously. Even toon women. Born a genius, the only way to get people to notice her freakishly large brain talent is to disguise herself as a man and as to go as "Mad Mouse" instead of "Maddison Mouse". However, her little secret couldn't be kept that long, for an incident in her labs caused her to lose part of her disguise and have to come clean to Billie, Poochie, and Wolfie. It was through them who helped her realize that, no matter who you are, your voice deserved to be heard no matter what. From that point on, this support cast member decided to cease wearing the disguse and be her actual self. Though, I wouldn't mess with this quiet little genius. She's a little...mad (crazy), as the legends and cartoons portray her as.

[dearhummingbird]

i have so many updates! i will go through them throughout the week but here’s one

i have decided to redo my entire wardrobe. ive been thinking about it since before covid so this is not just because i have a huge window of time to do fuck all: i RARELY shop for clothes, maybe each xmas i buy myself one new outfit to go visiting in. the last time i bought panties was when i was 16(i’m 21 this year)! call it gross but it’s a little hard to ask my single parent dad to bring me undie shopping. my clothes are completely outdated in that they’re not me anymore, they’re all very cheap and flimsy in quality and i want to change that. so along with this wardrobe revamp ive decided to only buy ethically-made clothing from sustainable brands. now, i’m going to make a confession. i have done 0, zilch research on this; i know nothing about trends or environmental sustainability or even much about fast fashion in the industry. why i’m making this choice is because 

a) im going to call this ‘financial experience’. i want to WANT to earn money. i want to WANT to work so i can buy things i want. i think for the first time in my life i have actual hobbies and things that i want to take seriously! no more blowing everything on sad-drinking with my bestfriends; i am not in that space anymore. this quote from Toni Morrison’s Sula describes 18/19/20year-old me: “In a way, her strangeness, her naivete, her craving for the other half of her equation was the consequence of an idle imagination. Had she paints, or clay, or knew the discipline of the dance, or strings; had she anything to engage her tremendous curiosity and her gift for metaphor, she might have exchanged the restlessness and preoccupation with whim for an activity that provided her with all she yearned for. And like any artist with no art form, she became dangerous."

i want to invest in long-term life cycles, i want to learn patience and quality. im sure this has something to do with turning 21 but this is also something i want. 

b) my style, as i’ve realised, happens to be secondhand/vintage/non-fast fashion leaning! i LOVE secondhand culture. knowing my clothes had a life before me makes me happy. im known to be very frugal and my bestfriend is convinced that it’s for the worst. while i disagree i do think it’s time to start being more lenient but not reckless or haphazard with my finances. 

back to the me not knowing anything about the ecological climate of the fashion industry, for some obscure reason i kind of refuse to be like i’m doing this for the planet! im ethical! im sustainable! how i see it is i want to do this thing and these happen to be the benefits of it. i think i will slowly grow into it and accept that ive become “one of THOSE” kinds of people because i do want to do my research but will definitely never be loud about it, that’s not me. call me evil! i dont know. anyway

i also made a huge huge purchase from this herb-based skincare brand and their customer service is so so lovely, if there is ever a bad review or a customer has had a bad experience with a product they quickly email the customer with a homemade natural solution that usually fixes it in a jiffy. they have quite a few range of products, so i got their aloe lotion to replace my daily moisturiser and also got one of my friends a smaller tub of it bc shes the one who introduced me to aloe and loves it for her sunburns, got me deodorant cream because my pits are super! sensitive! i know they hate the chemicals of regular deo and im crossing my fingers that this will be my solution. i bought their multi-use highlight/eyeshadow in an opal shade and got the same one in gold for the same friend, who’s got a deep brown skintone. i got a tinted lip balm for another friend who i love very dearly, we dont chat super often and i missed her birthday in April so i wanted to get her something. she also had sent over ben and jerrys to me during quarantine bc i was at the tail end of my semester and hated it, it was so sweet, no one’s ever done something like that for me before. i got two other products for my kooch and a toner spray for my face. very excited!

i decided that how im going to carry out this project is first by taking care of the basics. staples/essentials in my closet that need to be of top notch quality so that theyll last through the years. those are the ones that i will buy brand new. if i happen to like a certain fast fashion piece(i love wrap tops!) i will look for them secondhand. i will do the same for quirkier, more nuanced pieces, unless i want something very specific that i see on a site(because my country has little to zero sustainable options). i have multiple boards on my pinterest now, groups of items and brands that i want to buy from and invest in. 

i also got new panties(!) from a brand that uses recycled material and donates 1% of their profits to planned parenthood.

im sure that not 100% of the brands im buying from are 100% ethical and sustainable but they will at least be making big strides to be.

if you read all of this thank you! big hugs and love

[stormysurveys]

1

When did you last see someone you know in public? + -- Good question. I don’t remember. I think it was while grocery shopping and it was someone I used to work with.

Do you enjoy going to the dentist? + -- I’m not really sure anybody ENJOYS the dentist, but I’ve been wrong before.

When did you last eat something you didn’t like? + -- I’m not really sure.

Do you think you’d survive if zombies took over the world? + -- I think I’d last a little while, but I’m sure something would happen in the end, hah.

When did you last hang out with a bunch of friends at one time? + -- Unless you count online, I wouldn’t know. 

What kind of music is your least favorite? + -- Usually country or Christian rock. Nothing personal but after having it shoved down my throat for years because my parents refused to listen to anything else, it kind of makes me uncomfortable to hear it now.

Are you and your best friend complete opposites? + -- Nah. 

Would people around you say you’re regularly a mean person? + -- Not really. I don’t think so anyway.

Do you like the color yellow at all? + -- I don’t mind it.

If you were to write a novel, what would it be about? + -- I actually have a lot of story ideas, but I don’t know if they’d be anything people would want to read.

How many times have you logged in to Bzoink? (it has a counter) + -- I’m actually not in possession of a Bzoink account. I’ve considered it, but I’m wary of drama.

Are you currently pretending to be someone’s friend? + -- Why would I do that? 

Are you an impatient person? + -- I can be. It really depends on what. 

Are you afraid to watch movies that have sex scenes with your friends? + -- No, but I prefer watching movies where the sex scene makes sense? I’m a little hypocritical in that I will gladly watch SAW but two people making love would make me grimace. Yep. I’m -that- person.

Who sings the last song you listened to? + -- I don’t have that kind of memory.

Why do you think some actors dont want to see their movies/shows? + -- It can probably be a little awkward or just annoying. Maybe they don’t want to come across as egotistical or something, I don’t know.

Do you think fortune tellers are the devil’s messengers (haha)? + -- I don’t think that they’re “the devil’s messengers”, no. Some are scammers, others may not be. I’ve met people who were very sensitive to that sort of thing, but I wouldn’t just believe anyone who claimed to be a fortune teller.

Would you rather use napkins or paper towels? + -- Probably a paper towel. I don’t think I have any napkins.

Do you go to the pool in the summer time very often? + -- If it’s warm enough. It’s rarely warm enough here for me to want to swim.

Have you ever had a serious issue involving your eyes? + -- Nothing terribly serious, but I’ve been nearsighted since I was young. 

Have you ever watched South Park? Who’s your favorite character? + -- I actually love South Park. I don’t know if I had a favorite character.

Do you have sensitive teeth? + -- Not really. 

Do you enjoy or hate snow days? Why is this your choice? + -- When I was in school I did. Now I just find myself groaning because driving in snow is annoying and it becomes this brown, sludgy mess. 

Do you turn pale when you get sick? + -- I’m always pale, so I don’t know if there’s a change.

Does it bother you to get shots in the mouth? Does it hurt? + -- The last time I had a shot in the mouth the area was numbed and I barely felt it. Honestly, I don’t know if I’ve ever panicked when in that position. 

When did you last talk seriously with one of your parents? + -- I don’t know. 

What is the day of the week currently? + -- It is Monday.

Is anything exciting coming up in the next three months? + -- Not for me? I don’t really like Christmas or Thanksgiving.

Do you ever borrow money from someone? + -- Nope. 

Do you know anyone who tells every single thing you say? + -- Nope. 

When did you last kiss someone on the cheek? Who was it? + -- My husband. Probably ... the other day? 

Why do you think people like Lady Gaga so much? + -- I respect people who have the guts to actually be themselves in a world that tries to mold you into another clone.

Do you have a lot of enemies, or not so much? + -- I may have enemies, I may not. They can come to me.

Can you count backwards from 100 without a mistake? + -- Yes. 

Do you have any friends you’ve had since birth? + -- I don’t.

Do you care if your friends talk badly about you? + -- They are my friends, and I’d be very disappointed if they did. But I suppose if they did and they were serious, they wouldn’t be friends. I don’t have time to waste on people like that.

Would you rather drink out of a straw or just the cup alone? + -- I don’t drink out of straws as they tend to cut my mouth when I inevitably start chewing on them.

Does anyone ever say they miss you often? + -- No.

Would you rather become a wizard or a vampire, if you had the choice? + -- Why not a vampire wizard? I could study BLOOD MAGIC.

Is there anyone out there who has made you feel miserable? + -- Yes. 

Do you have a problem answering personal questions? + -- Not really.

What color is the vacuum-cleaner in your house? + -- White. 

Have you already moved out of your parents’ house? + -- I moved out a long time ago.

Are your parents divorced, married or seperated? + -- Divorced.

Have you ever thought you might just have obsessive compulsive disorder? + -- No. 

Do you think it’s rude to text someone else while on a date? + -- I think it’s usually pretty rude, yeah. But if you have something going on and you tell me beforehand that you might have to answer a call, I might be a little irritated but I would understand.

What is the funniest movie you’ve ever seen? + -- That is a good question.

What are your views on our current president? + -- Sigh. Honestly, I hate how half the news is “who said what on Twitter” and he’s usually at the forefront of it. It makes me want to bash my head into a wall.

Has one of your websites ever quit operating or shut down? Were you sad? + -- Oh yeah. I was pretty upset about it. 

Is it awkward to see your best friend’s parents out in public? + -- I wouldn’t care. 

Who is the person you talk to the most in your house? + -- My husband as he’s the only person I live with.

Is there a television show out there that you never miss? + -- I really don’t watch TV.

What movie have you seen too many times to be healthy? + -- Oh, probably something like All Dogs Go to Heaven. I used to watch it back to back.

What are the last two digits of your phone number? + -- 94. 

Does it creep you out to see people with mullets? + -- No. 

What is your biggest responsibility in your household? + -- Seeing as I am an adult, I share in all of them. 

How cold did it get where you live, last winter? + -- It might’ve dipped below zero once or twice. I don’t remember.

Do you ever wish you could go back in time to redo something? + -- I do, yes.

Ever accidentally pull out a filling from your tooth? + -- I’ve never had fillings.

Do you ever wonder what your exes are doing? + -- Sometimes. I don’t miss them but I do hope they’re doing better now.

Have you ever been caught in a huge lie with your parents? + -- I don’t believe so? I didn’t have any friends growing up so going out and getting into trouble never happened with me. 

Do you ever listen to the radio anymore? + -- Rarely.

Does it bother you to have personal conversations with people? + -- No. 

Ever ride in a limo? When did you last do so? + -- I’ve never ridden in a limo.

Do any of your body parts hurt at this moment in time? + -- Not currently. 

Are you sober at the time being? + -- Yes.

Do any of your friends constantly do things to annoy you? + -- No

When did you last eat a Starburst? What color was it? + -- That I don’t know.

Have you ever lied to someone & said they could sing when they couldn’t? + -- I don’t think so. 

Do you ever call backstabbers out on what they do? + -- It’s tempting, but I think I’d only call them out if it was a necessity.  

How many people in the world do you trust? + -- Very few. Less than four.

[wildfangz]

@liliithvatore tagged me in that simself thing thats been goin around DAYS ago but here it finally is! also thank you for the tag this was fun :-]

I tag @slythersim @thelurgoyf @seoulchii @weicyn @solitasims @daisydezem @raha-plays-the-sims if they want to do it & anyone that just wants to do it in general! message me and I’ll even @ u directly if u want. 

anyway lets DO THIS shitload of questions under the cut u’ve been warned!!!

1. what is your name?

julian

2. what is your nickname?

jewel, jules

3. birthday?

oct 26th

4. what is your favorite book series?

percy jackson and the olympians will probably always own my heart & soul

5. do you believe in aliens or ghosts?

yes & yes. tho i do think a lot of alien sightings and conspiracy theories and what not are bullshit

6. who is your favorite author?

maggie stiefvater probably? also cornelia funke but its been years since ive read anything by her so i cant be sure BUT i loved inkheart & the thief lord so much

7. what is your favorite radio station?

ummm when i listen to the radio at all i kinda just switch between two rock stations and our popular music station.

8. what is your favorite flavor of anything?

blue raspberry !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tasty and i love a blue tongue

9. what word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful?

cool. or bitchin’.  i play it simple

10. what is your current favorite song?

hands like houses - revive

11. what is your favorite word?

roulette and inhibition which i never get to use either as much as i want !

12. what was the last song you listened to?

emarosa - givin’ up ! its a bop!

13. what tv show would you recommend for everybody to watch?

the new she-ra on netflix its so good. and gay

14. what is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down?

moana. its also like the only movie i dont have trouble getting thru despite how many times ive already seen it

15. do you play video games?

16. what is your biggest fear?

idk... being inherently unlovable i guess n ending up alone? also spiders !

17. what is your best quality, in your opinion?

im fairly open-minded and laid back. Unless someones being like, purposely nasty or something I generally don’t get defensive or aggressive. also a lot of little quirks that piss others off dont bother me im very u do u as long as its not actually harming anyone and ive had people tell me this makes it easier to open up to me so thats probably my best quality....

18. what is your worst quality, in your opinion?

....at the same time though i do get very sensitive when faced w/ criticism even if its of the fair variety when its not phrased really gently for various reasons and i dont like that. especially since I have a tendency to not even talk to people about it. I’ll just immediately start distancing myself. also other than that i think overall I have a really high tolerance lvl but if you cross that line I hold a grudge like a motherfucker

9. do you like cats or dogs better?

cats! dogs are good too but cats are a lot easier for me to handle...and quieter generally but even when they’re loud cat sounds dont get to me quite as much as barks do

20. what is your favorite season?

autumn but im starting to really like summer for some reason? wack :/

21. are you in a relationship?

nope

22. what is something you miss from your childhood?

the lack of responsibility, probably. that sounds real bad lmao but for me its like...I know I’ve grown in various ways over the years but I also feel like so many of my experiences, my trauma, my mental health has held me back and I don’t think I’m mentally where I should be for my age. so all the responsibility of adulthood is just..really overwhelming for me sometimes, even though ive been given a pass from certain aspects of it and the rest is pretty simple its the idea!!!!

23. who is your best friend?

my ex

24. what is your eye color?

25. what is your hair color?

26. who is someone you love?

my mom

27. who is someone you trust?

not really anyone rn unfortunately...would like 2 work on that

28. who is someone you think about often?

are my OCs a fair answer because i am always thinking about my babies.....

29. are you currently excited about/for something?

my favorite webcomic (that also has two of my all time favorite characters in it) just came back!! the artist disappeared back in 2015 like the day after I binge-read the whole fucking thing & i was so disappointed but its BACK and 2018 has been redeemed

30. what is your biggest obsession?

sims probably! i could talk about anything relating to it for hours

31. what was your favorite tv show as a child?

there were so damn many its hard to even think and figure out the most notable ones...i really, really liked teen titans though?

32. who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone?

my ex, again

33. are you superstitious?

not terribly so but somewhat. I take certain things as signs and I mean I do believe in astrology & such to a degree

34. do you have any unusual phobias?

i used to be afraid of mirrors but thats all i can think of and its not even a thing anymore...the only other thing is tornadoes but i dont think its unusual. but it definitely sucks for me ‘cause i live in tornado alley!

35. do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?

behind it....like taking pretty pictures and dont like ppl capturing my image 2 film

36. what is your favorite hobby?

sims.....also singing!!! and drawing!!!! video editing!!!!!!!!! the works

37. what was the last book you read?

The Dream Thieves....havent finished it though because last time i went to read it a spider was lying in wait and im traumatized

38. what was the last movie you watched?

coco i think???

39. what musical instruments do you play, if any?

drums, various other percussion instruments, and violin mainly

40. what is your favorite animal?

ferrets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

41. what are your top 5 favorite tumblr blogs that you follow?

uhhhhh @bratsims @liliithvatore @cabsim @wildlyminiaturesandwich @keysims pls dont feel bad if i didnt include u these were just the first to pop into my head and ive been following some of them since I first made my blog!! and have kept up with their stories completely and enjoy them etc check them OUT !

42. what superpower do you wish you had?

shapeshifting!!! dysphoria? gone. ugliness? gone. want to morph into a fucked up clown and scare people when they realize all the classic clown features are a real actual part of my face? possible!

43. when and where do you feel most at peace?

chillin’ at the pool in summer during the part of the day when no ones there.... swimming is always relaxing 2 me then i love just resting under the sun and drying off afterwards especially since we have a little pond nearby and i can hear the water! its nice

44. what makes you smile?

always and without fail? interacting with anyone i have a crush on. i’ll look like a dope the whole time

45. what sports do you play, if any?

i used 2 play basketball a lot. Like not seriously but it was a thing

46. what is your favorite drink?

dr pepper and monster energy (original flavor) pumps through my veins at this point. we love a carbonated beverage

47. when was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody?

two years ago for my ex and I’s first year anniversary... I never got it mailed but I did at least take a picture of it (with included caption because my handwriting is atrocious). i was very up front about being a romantic and see heres the PROOF

48. are you afraid of heights?

nope! very excited by them actually

49. what is your biggest pet peeve?

i cant stand passive aggressive behavior. my stance is either get over it or quit acting like a bitch because otherwise im just going to ignore you thats the scorpio way (in all seriousness I really, really do recommend not putting up with it and ignoring it until they decide to be up front with you. it can be exhausting constantly reading into conversations and its not healthy for you or them. if they have something to say they need to learn to talk about it properly, and that lack of social skills is not ever on you)

50. have you ever been to a concert?

yep! i think about....six or so? i love them...which is really funny im autistic and EVERYTHING about them should freak me out and they do in other circumstances but at a show i just live for it

51. are you vegan/vegetarian?

nope! ive thought before id like to go vegetarian...but i couldnt do it with my health problems. also i love shrimp too much

52. when you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

ive always wanted to do something creative! when i was rlly young I thought a lot about singing and acting and writing in particular...all things im still interested in.... also i wanted to be a dictator ages 4-7 because i told my mom i wanted to be president of the world and make people do what i say and she said “honey thats a dictator not a president”. i then made that known at school and that turned into a situation!

53. what fictional world would you like to live in?

pokemon universe or bust. 

54. what is something you worry about?

never being able to do things i want to do or catching up with others because of my disabilities

55. are you scared of the dark?

yes but a reasonable amount i think

56. do you like to sing?

yes :]

57. have you ever skipped school?

yes i used to play sick a LOT and as my parents caught onto it id even go all out to convince them. i was good at school but i hated it so much

58. what is your favorite place on the planet?

dunno! malls maybe i love shopping and looking at material objects i wish to own

59. where would you like to live?

oregon! portland in particular thats been my dream for a few years now

60. do you have any pets?

a cat! he lives with my dad & grandma though...hes grown up there and likes going outside so I felt bad about taking him with me when i moved out but anyway this is him hes fat and stupid and i love him his name is coffee

61. are you more of an early bird or a night owl?

night owl because my rhythm is all fucked up but in my heart....an early bird...if i get a good nights sleep i’ll be up early yacking your ear off and so excited for the day

62. do you like sunrises or sunsets better?

sunsets are prettier...but sunrises feel more refreshing

63. do you know how to drive?

nope ! im gay !

64. do you prefer earbuds or headphones?

headphones. better sound quality also discourages people from talking to me slightly more

65. have you ever had braces?

nope! but i need them

66. what is your favorite genre of music?

post-hardcore maybe?

67. who is your hero?

every trans person living their truth and being open and loud about who they are past present & future. the worlds not particularly kind to us and our existence alone is considered a radical act, so its always given me hope to see others refusing to pretend to be someone they’re not in this environment and I’ll always have mad respect for that

68. do you read comic books?

i read manga and webcomics...ive always wanted to get into superhero comics but the amount of issues and different versions is ridiculous and makes it inaccessible 2 me 

69. what makes you the most angry?

i mean its hard to pinpoint what makes me angry the MOST...but a contender is definitely how some people feel free to treat others with cruelty and think its their god given right to deny or attack someones existence in some way, & how acts of kindness, even the most basic are branded as liberal bullshit or whatever....it goes against everything i was taught growing up

70. do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book?

real book! electronic device can be easier but....rough on the eyes after a while and nothing beats the real thing for me

71. what was your favorite subject in school?

language arts...at least when we did creative writing stuff

72. do you have any siblings?

two older sisters & an older brother that passed away years ago but. still my brother u kno

73. what was the last thing you bought?

mocha frappe baby!!!!!

74. how tall are you?

5′4″

75. can you cook?

a little bit....not as much as id like to though but im learning

76. what are three things that you love?

storms, cheesy breadsticks, and cat purrs

77. what are three things that you hate?

unnecessary rudeness, being talked down to or generally treated like im stupid, grapefruit which is the worst thing on this list

78. do you have more female friends or more male friends?

female i think?

79. what is your sexual orientation?

im the big bad promiscuous bisexual your parents warned you about

80. where do you currently live?

oklahoma. gofundme campaign to get me out

81. who was the last person you texted?

my friend jojo! just Now!

82. when was the last time you cried?

yesterday afternoon but im a changed man now thats behind me. i will cry about different things soon

83. who is your favorite youtuber?

the mcelroy brothers. also super best friends play. matt, pat & woolie are all great tbh

84. do you like to take selfies?

depends on whether i feel ugly or terribly dysphoric that day or not

85. what is your favorite app?

ummmm....love live school idol festival ive been playin for years its an addiction

86. what is your relationship with your parent(s) like?

dad = bad mom = okay. theres some issues that strain it but its not too bad

87. what is your favorite foreign accent?

i have no idea what the fuck australians are talking about half the time but i dig it anyway 

88. what is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit?

Italy, Greece, Germany, Japan, Mexico, various other states (ive only been out of state three times. twice to texas and then once to kansas. for five minutes)

89. what is your favorite number?

6!! 26 also

90. can you juggle?

ive always wanted to but alas.... :-[

91. are you religious?

i suppose...but im rlly not into organized religion

92. do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting?

space probably theres so fucking much of it man!

93. do you consider yourself to be a daredevil?

not to brag but sometimes i eat my mcdonalds hamburgers cold from the fridge so you can figure that one out yourself B)

94. are you allergic to anything?

pecans. not deathly allergic though so catch me eating turtle pie anyway! 

95. can you curl your tongue?

nope :[

96. can you wiggle your ears?

nope :[

97. how often do you admit that you were wrong about something?

usually as soon as i realize....unless someones being real smug and annoying then i might be stubborn about it

98. do you prefer the forest or the beach?

ive never been to the beach but i love her!!!

99. what is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you?

probably that you have to look at your accomplishments differently when you’re disabled or just struggling, to not be so down on yourself because its a fact that what might be a mole hill to someone else is a mountain to you and you have to judge yourself accordingly. Like maybe you weren’t able to clean the whole house, but washing the dishes and tidying your desk doesn’t usually get done but you did it. That that should be celebrated because while it would also feel good if you did more, you still did something and thats great all things considered.

100. are you a good liar?

sometimes, really depends what im lying about and if im like....into it at all. If my guts against it for whatever reason I’ll have trouble

101. what is your hogwarts house?

i always get slytherin or hufflepuff! usually with like 1 point difference

102. do you talk to yourself?

i am talking to myself right now as i fill this out

103. are you an introvert or an extrovert?

extrovert mainly! i used to think i was more introverted but now i think a lot of exhaustion when theres any comes from me just going the extra mile and actively trying to read people and pick up on social ques.... if I just chill im fine

104. do you keep a journal/diary?

nope...ive tried but i just cant keep up with it so i do the next best thing. shouting into the void on the internet to a bunch of strangers

105. do you believe in second chances?

depends on what you did the first time. Some people just don’t deserve taking that risk imo...but i can be a little guarded so maybe thats a bit too harsh

106. if you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do?

turn it in, unless there was no identifying things in it & it was found somewhere kinda random. Then I’d maybe hold onto it unless my gut challenged that

107. do you believe that people are capable of change?

absolutely. i mean thats all we do throughout our lives is change and evolve...that being said I think extremely drastic changes are maybe not entirely impossible, but extremely rare, and the residue of the former self usually sticks around in some form

108. are you ticklish?

yes, dangerously so

109. have you ever been on a plane?

nope

110. do you have any piercings?

one day hopefully!

111. what fictional character do you wish was real?

asra from the arcana.....even if he wasn’t my boyfriend thats just a dude u could chill and eat some pomegranates with u know. Before I downloaded the app my friends kept telling me he was made for me and he really was he ticks like everything on my Favorite Characters Feature List except villain but he has that particular allure & attitude i like so much in villains so thats not a single point off hes perfect

112. do you have any tattoos?

nope...one day! hopefully!

113. what is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far?

accepting my genderqueerness and bisexuality definitely. Self Love hasn’t been perfected just yet but that was such a huge step in the right direction

114. do you believe in karma?

yes! she doesn’t get shit done as much as id like however

115. do you wear glasses or contacts?

glasses. not contacts yet because my eye doctor is a bitch

116. do you want children?

I do....just not sure if id be a good parent. Its really important to me if I had a child itd be for the right reason and I could raise them well in a healthy environment & be able to take care of all their needs yknow

117. who is the smartest person you know?

probably my friend jojo

118. what is your most embarrassing memory?

one time i looked outside and the sunset was really pretty and i wanted to get a photo of it so i walked out.....and stood like right by the street so there weren’t trees in my way...and then i realized mid-pic 1) i am not wearing pants & my shirt is full of holes 2) id been depressed for days so my hair was a tangled mess. I tailed it back inside so i didnt even get a nice pic it was blurry!

119. have you ever pulled an all-nighter?

120. what colour are most of you clothes?

black i didnt even have to think about that one

121. do you like adventures?

they are pretty swell

122. have you ever been on tv?

a few times when i was little. always photobombing the news reporters 4 what i thought would eventually lead 2 fame & fortune

123. how old are you?

21

124. what is your favorite movie quote?

this is technically lyrics to that lil song in moana at the end but

“ They have stolen the heart from inside you. But this does not define you.”

hits me hard every time! emotional impact? i know her

125. sweet or savory?

sweet!!!!!!!! gotta balance out my bitter somehow

[sophocused]

pursuits of 2019 | a 3am ramble

Hi hi don't mind me as I ramble about all the ideas I have floating about my head bc it's the new year and I'm really excited.

tbh actually I think 2019 is the year I wear my clothes that actually show the shape of my body, idk I think, I've been expressing myself well with the colourful clothes, I think a lot of friends associate colourfulness with me now, which is fucking bomb. I dont even remember the days I would wear all black, or all toned down shades. But yeah for 2019, I wanna wear more non-baggy clothing, colourful just the same... I'll probably treat myself to a lil shopping spree sometime late February or mid-March. Ooo or I'll go thrifting againnn sometime then.

As for school that's coming back, thanks to friends I think the textbooks they provided me saves me $250 of textbook money, and I also switched out one of the 2000 psyc courses for anth1210 which I've been told is super easy so I'm gna work hard to get an A+. I also got psyc 2490 which is a more intermediate elective bc ik essays are involved but I really fucking interested in abnormal psychology. Maybe I can learn something about myself. learn how to help others better. how to help myself better. It's an both electives are online courses so oof I need to FOCUS. Dont get sucked into procrastination temptations and also I need to be frequent in talking to and or meeting up with the profs. I just wanna be more involved for once. I wanna show that i care about the course and not just the number being served up to me on my transcript. Bc that's really important to me in order for me to stay trying and giving a fuck about school. I need to see value in what I'm learning. It's not just a way to my degree. It's not just some stepping stone. The content is worth something to me.

So for winter term, I'm probably going to finally learn how to study in public alone. I'll be able to find more spaces too bc I no longer need places with an outlet bc my parents got me a notebook for Christmas that lasts over 10 hours so FUCK YEA it's so light I'm so happy. My back is so happy holy shit. It's going to add LEAGUES of convenience in my day-to-day uni life tbh. Taking it out during class is easy it so smol and it boots up so fast SIGH i didnt even know I wanted one hahahah I didnt think to get myself something like that or save up for it so glad my parents did. But yeah more study spaces means more practice for me to be alone in public man. I still get anxious sometimes. I feel like I'm being watched. 1. I'm more than most likely not bc everyone's doing their own thing. 2. even if they were, their eyes are just wandering like my eyes do when I casually people watch. I gotta train my mind and body dat it's not a big deal.

Anyway, IM LIMITING MYSELF TO SKIPPING NO MORE THAN 3 TIMES per class. Like I swear to god, it's a 3 strikes I'm out typa thing. Maybe I'll put $10 in a thing for everytime I skip, and donate it to a charity or something. Which isn't very good punishment since I'd be doing a good thing aaaa Idk yet. BASTA. No skipping. Fuck. Skipping was the main fucking reason I did ASS in fall term. That and alternating between "I'll do it at school" and "I'll do it when I get home" too often.

Get your head in the fuckin game nina, I dont wanna see another C or B in that transcript. B+ is the bare minimum standard now. Gotta resurrect that GPA.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. My social life is gna suffer a lil. Hi friends who I normally hang out with or see all the time. You will likely only see me once a week 😅 bc ya girl gotta study for her dreams to come true. I wanna ace human phys 2. I wanna ace microbio. I wanna ace anthropology in humanities. I wanna ace abnormal psychology. I wanna get 7 hours of sleep a night at least. I wanna be ahead in my reading. I wanna be up to date with my class notes. I wanna keep all my files organized. All my due dates organized. I wanna be able to work 14 hours a week, 5 days a week, without feeling like it's in the way of my studies and life in general. I wanna be able to see friends at least sometimes, like a lunch date, bc lord knows I've learned that I cant study as much as when I'm alone compared to when I'm with other people.

I'm gonna cook more often at home too, or do something like that, I hadn't cooked since summer bc of how school got, and thanks to my fam for understanding, but I gotta do my part in the house. take initiative. keep laundry folded gdi. I dont like coming home to a room with a mountain of clothes to fold in a corner and a desk where I can barely see my desk. It just drains me. So knowing this, I'm reminding myself the way I like things, where I want things to go, and what I need to do to get them there.

uh ah uh okay something I realized has been extremely apparent for most of 2018. to put it bluntly, I dont see myself as someone other persons could romantically love. Not after christian tbh. before you think it's because I dont like myself, I love myself. I'm so fucking great at loving myself. The thing is, I worked really hard to love myself, and I'm a constant fluctuating work in progress. and thats not even romantically. so, it just feels like that's how it would be if any other person were to try and love me, that's a whole lot of time and effort, and they'd have to want to want to love me in the first place. THAT sounds like I a lotta work. I dont want to put that pressure on anyone??? I think I'm only making half any sense bc another part of me wants to probably say, "ofc there are people who will want to be with u, u acorn". SO I'm gna follow that little voice this year. Last year I shunned it and focused more on platonic love and woo yeah it's so strong, theres nothing stronger.

I'm gna find me a girl. or a mans. depends who I end up meeting first. I know if it's a girl it's tricky bc how do I know if she's into girls too without exposing that I'm trying to find out if she is for the sole purpose of wanting to flirt with her??? I only just recently embraced my attraction in 2018 so it's like... I got no practice in actually flirting with women. I barely have practice flirting with dudes. Anyway ANYWAY, I'm just letting the universe know that if they got someone in store for me in 2019, my arms and mind are open as hell. I'm gna love them so healthily and we gon have such a fulfilling and respectable dynamic. we're gna be so perfectly imperfect bc we gon understand that we're just people and cant be each other's sole source for all kinds of love and energy, that would otherwise be given by many different types or friends and family members even.

WOW I'm really sleepy hmm maybe I'm finally all rambled out.

[leointhemoon-blog]

my past with dieting

wow, i think this post might end up being long.

to begin with, i was a fat kid from the very start. i don’t think i was obese but i was, i guess, overweight. now that i look back at it, it might have been the baby fat that added to the illusion. or maybe not, since i was fatter than everyone else in my grade. 

before i even started school, i was just known to my family as that toddler that loved to eat. as with every story about eating disorders (disclaimer: i never really had an eating disorder but i guess... i almost did if that’s possible.), a likely factor would be the bullies. so in my story, my first bullies would’ve been my relatives. 

it’s funny because the word and notion of “family” are supposed to resemble people who support you and care about you. i’m not saying my family doesn’t, but i guess they just have the worst ways of showing it... maybe it’s part of being asian? 

anyway, i would remember when my parents dropped me off at my uncle’s place. he’s the second oldest brother of my mom. the uncle would every so often pick at me and say “oh who’s the chubby baby? it’s you” or some cringey baby talk that people do to toddlers-- except it’s usually “who’s a good girl” not “who’s the chubby kid”. lol. there was my cousin, his daughter, who is like at least a decade older than me who didn’t hide her dislike towards me and constantly ask “why do you eat so much?” i often didn’t answer because tbh, as a really young child, i wasn’t much of a person that reacted.

they weren’t wrong ofc. i actually did eat a hella lot. damn, i was a fat kid, deadasssss. even my mom joined on in the pinching of my belly and teasing. i think my first time being self-conscious about it was when i kept sucking in my belly as much as possible when my mom tried to force me into some uncomfortable ass jeans.

when i was a student at my third elementary school (my family moved multiple times), that’s when the bullying started. there’s a ton to say on that matter, maybe i’ll make a separate post, so i’ll just talk about the moments that really matter here. in general, the girls would often refer to me as the fat kid and sometimes would even throw in a comment or two. damn, why are kids so mean sometimes? even now, as a near young adult, i still see kids bullying each other and i can’t help but sigh in disappointment how it’s innate nature of humans to bully others. it’s kind of ridiculous. if you’re going to dislike someone, don’t show it enough to make them feel utterly terrible about themselves. if it gives you power to do so, you’re rotten trash. literally, you’re the real ugly one here.

i remember once when i was sitting a couple of rows behind the rest of the girls in my class in the auditorium of my elementary school, i was watching them talk. and they talked loud so i heard everything. they were just saying stuff like “i do this to my hair to make it look prettier” and “omg your hair is so long it’s so pretty”. i guess they caught me staring so one just smiled and said “(my name) can never be pretty enough with that short hair” to which another said “she’s kind of fat anyway”. ok, first of all-- i loved my damn ass dora the explorer hair cut ok? i was excited to go to the barbershop as a child to request the dora haircut specialty, bitch, i rocked it. i was sorta hurt by both the short hair and fat comments but like again, i didnt say anything i just looked away. 

after that, the next time my dad brought me to the hairdresser, i was rebellious as heck. i didnt want short hair. i wanted to keep it long. but you know, there’s only so much 6 year old me can do, so i got my hair cut anyway.

fast forward to fifth grade. after years of constant teasing about my shape and weight, i think i had my awakening after i finished some good ass sandwich at barnes and nobles. i told my mom i was going to use the bathroom and so i did. after washing my hands, i looked into the mirror. ahh, the mirror that makes all the self-conscious people shudder. but i think i had never felt extremely self-conscious and distraught until then. 

nobody was in the bathroom at that time, so i was brave enough to continue staring. i took in the sight of my flabby arms (which honestly wasn’t that flabby but it wasn’t thin) and most of all, my round belly. i was horrified as i turned to the side and gaped at how my stomach protruded out of my abdomen. it was like i have never noticed before. then as if a dam has been broken. all those comments and pinching at my body flooded my mind, screaming at me that yes, you are fat. you just realized? again, remind you, i literally wasn’t obese. i was overweight. two totally different things. if i want to make myself feel better, i guess i was borderline overweight only but idk, i was still fat. 

i went home that night looking up on the internet “how to be cute” and “how to be pretty” like the naive kid i was and i gave up reading on tips on how to stand or how to dress. i decided i was going to diet. 

when i refused to eat more when my mother offered another helping at dinner, i told her i was going to diet. immediately, she yelled angrily and was probably shocked, like who gave my daughter that idea what-- i was and still am a stubborn person so i persisted... i’m not going to go too deep into this because it was often just her trying to feed me and me trying to eat less and less. 

i remember when we were at this shopping mall we frequently visited and i was in the dressing room trying to fit on new bras. when my mom helped me buckle up my bra after i finished trying on things, she said, “(my name), you got skinnier. i don’t even need to clasp your bra at the outermost row.” there were three sections for adjustment. i had managed to go from the outermost one to the innermost one. her voice held disappointment, but my heart had felt so light. i was elated.

this continued on into sixth and seventh grade. that’s right, it continued on deep into middle school. except it gotten worse. not only was i cutting down on portions of meals at home, i even did so at school. i skipped lunch, opting to avoid the lunch lines. i managed to skip breakfast when one day i got the idea of lying to my mom. “dont give me breakfast at home. i can just eat the school breakfast” to which she believed and sent me off to school without realizing i really wasn’t going to eat anything. i spent classes with awkward stomach growling. at that time, i didn’t know people could hear your stomach make noises when it’s hungry so i was fine with it lol. i slimmed down by a whole lot. 

just to mention, if you’re going to lose weight, make exercise a thing. don’t strictly diet like me. i should’ve probably exercised but nah, i just depended on eating less or not eating at all. like any other rant, i’ll mention this: the rough start of my depression started at the beginning of eighth grade.

i was sick of “friendships”. sick of being used. sick of being second or third or anything else not first. sick of being manipulated. sick of being easily thrown away. most of all, i was just so sick of myself. i felt like i could never be able to have a friend. a friend i could depend on. i cut off all ties, if they barely even existed. i went into complete isolation. eighth grade was the grade i spoke not a single word to anyone. unless ofc i had to answer some question in class or do some group discussion. but even then, i honestly went so quiet. more quiet than i ever was before.

when i did speak a word outside in the hallway once, my classmate thought he was funny and said “wow, (my name) can talk?” and laughed like it was just that damn funny. idk bro, you got nothing better to laugh about? it’s nice that i matter so much to you, you had to make a comment, let alone say my name because clearly my attention wasn’t even on you in the first place. 

anyway, hell yeah, i was hella emo. and when i’m emotionally depressed af, my appetite is ruined. starting that year, i fell into constant times of not feeling like eating. by then i was already thin enough i guess. i admit, i wasn’t skin and bones. but i wasn’t overweight anymore. my skin grew paler. it became harder for me to stand up without feeling lightheaded. i began catching colds more often than i ever had before. none of that deterred me from dieting though, despite by the start of my depression, i was already midway through not strictly dieting anymore.

depression continued that for me though. it hurt to eat sometimes. when i feel like crying, when my throat feels rough, my heart feels heavy, why add to the pain by forcing myself to swallow food? i’m not bulimic, i never was. i just avoided food. i would constantly protest “mom, i’m not dieting, i really just am not hungry.” did i ever mention that throughout my years and still up to this day, my mom would constantly throw shade at me for choosing to diet in the past? it hurts every time she does. in fact, i started writing this long ass post just because she did it again today. 

i think she also started to notice my increase in depressing mood so sometimes she won’t say much if i refuse to eat. it was like my body hurt when i saw food and my mind drove me somewhere else to avoid the food placed in front of me. food repulsed me. my stomach turned at seeing it. near the end of eighth grade, i gotten into my first serious relationship with some girl 2-3 years older than me online. it lasted for about a year. honestly, it was a very rocky one. i constantly felt depressed. she was depressed too. she made me feel more depressed than i’d be if she wasn’t there, if i had to be honest. 

the week following after our breakup, i was utterly broken. 14 year old me had no idea what i was supposed to do. it was halfway through my freshman year at high school. i didn’t have much friends. i only had one. even then, they weren’t there to support me. the other one...who’s now my best friend...i had lost her contact number. it wasn’t until four months later til i finally got in touch with her again so she wasn’t there to help me through my post break up either.

if me skipping meals often because of emotions was bad, this week was the worst. i legitimately didn’t eat more than 3-4 small bites of food a day. even now, i’m surprised how i managed to survive that week on so little food and how my mom didn’t even say much. she did notice and ask “why arent you feeling hungry these days? something wrong?” to which i’d brush off. i cried a lot. a hella lot. most of the times, it was heaving like i was trying to throw up my heart. i mean, i still have my crying sessions as i’m still...hella...depressed and yeah it feels like that. it be like that sometimes. and then the moments besides “most of the times” was me sniffling on the school bus because i just couldn’t stop thinking about it.

i could’ve killed myself. i nearly could’ve. midyear exams were coming. the stress from both school and my personal life was overwhelming. my body was destroyed. but somehow, i manage to overcome myself and get myself back into focusing on the exams. damn, i was hella scholar. now i’m not though lol. but then, i was focused since i was only a freshman that had just gotten into a prestigious school. the exams had managed to make me forget about what happened temporarily.

now, i still constantly look down on my body and wonder if i’m too fat. i still fat check. i squish my thighs, stare at them, hold them, then stare again. i look at my belly, i pinch it, i stare, i hold it tight wishing i can make the fat disappear. i’m not fat per se. people now call me skinny af, call me a pile of bones (i’m not, they’re exaggerating but i wish i was tbh). i hold my arms, squishing them to see if they’re too thick or not. i still look in the mirror observing the width of my body. i still try to calculate how much i’ve eaten on a daily basis. thinking about what i ate today and how much i’ve eaten. 

perhaps, i’m not actively starving myself anymore, but those actions of paranoia and self-consciousness never left me...my stomach is probably ruined. will that stop me? probably not. i’ll be honest.

[beautyindisguise00]

its been awhile...again..

Early Thursday morning October 1st 2020 @8:09am

how would your parents react if you got pregnant (or got someone pregnant)?   like right now? like when i’m not married and have to tell my parents i did the dirty before marriage? well, let’s see. my mom would cry. then i would get a big and long lecture from my dad. my mom would try to yell at me cause she’s mad but she’d be too sad so i’d have to wait for her to pull herself together for her to lecture me. I’d hear a lot of “i’m so disappointed in you” “this is not how we raised you” “do you know how bad this will look on you and on our family”  LOL honestly, i dont even know but this is how i envisioned it, but i hope i’d never have to tell them until i’m actually married

when you were little, what did you really want to be? a teacher and i’m on the right track to getting there! if only schools would hire me!

if you could be with anyone right now, who would you pick? him

how much would someone have to pay you to live alone in a haunted house? uhm...like 100. i’d probably do it.

what do you think about when you fall asleep? usually i fall asleep with my boyfriend so i usually just listen to him talk until i fall asleep

has Facebook ruined your life? no

have you ever had a fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend’s mom or dad? no. i’d hope not

are you afraid of frogs? no, but i wouldn’t touch it

what would your dream job be? an elementary school teacher or a wedding planner :) 

how would you react if a complete stranger complimented you? say “thank you and that’s so nice of you to say that”

would you lie to someone just to make them happy? depends. if it’s a small lie, then sure

what is your greatest fear? not being able to bear children

who was the last person to make you cry? honestly, myself and my thoughts last night.       

what are you doing today? finish this, get ready, then go into work to get some stuff done then go shopping really quick

what makes you happy? when the people i love are happy

would you rather stand on a block of ice or walk on hot coals? uh, ice

would you rather have a private yacht or a private jet? tough one, but probably a jet

Do you have Facebook? yup

Have you dated someone of another race? no i have not

How would you react if you found out your crush had a terminal disease? i’d cry for a long time

Can you tell when someone who was your friend, doesn’t like you anymore? uhm, if we were close and they’d stopped staying in contact. then i’d question it for a bit, but move on if that’s how they’re going to be.

How about when a guy or crush doesn’t like you anymore, can you tell? again, if they stop staying in contact i can probably take the hint

Do you eat applesauce? its been a while

What was the last thing you made from scratch? steamed rolls last night. yum

What was the last pill you took for? a migraine from drinking too much with my boyfriend’s sister in laws and female cousins

What are you doing right now? this and drinking coffee and listening to “morning music” that my alexa has chosen

When was the last time you took a nap? like two days ago. i dont really take naps, but since my work hours have adjusted i had a lot of time of doing nothing

Does your family have family reunions? my whole giant family tries once in a few years. my immediate family just likes to take family trips. my boyfriend’s family does it every other year

Do you know any foreign languages? my native language and some en francais 

How often do you get stomachaches? when i drink whole milk (or things with it) when i know i’m not suppose to. lol

Are you in the hospital a lot? nope

Do you watch sports on television? just nfl football

Have you ever walked on the beach at night? yes and i really enjoy it

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? my boyfriend

Have you ever been asked out by someone you didn’t want to date? lol kinda

How many cousins have you got? like a lot

Do you think you’ll have a nice day tomorrow? yes

Did you have a nice day today? my day kinda just started

When was the last time you sat behind a desk? when i was student teaching

Are there many stars in the sky tonight/last night? no idea

Are you tired at all? i’m starting to wake up.

Where were you born? In a hospital. <<< No way, me too! Haha.<< diddo

Are you thinking about anyone right now? not that you asked, yes. 

Do you have any makeup on? If so what? not right now

Do you have many photo albums? no physical ones but digital ones

Do you know what hyperbole means? yeah

Do you like sugar with your tea? yes

Ever bought shoelaces? nope

Would you call shopping a therapy? ehh, not for me

Do you read poetry/make it?  nope

Have you ever had braces? no

Do you live in the same town as the place you were born? no, i moved out last year, but it’s not too far from here

How many years have you been breathing for? almost 25

If you had the chance to go to the moon would you? uhhhhmm.....nah i’m too scared of all the things that could go wrong

Do you prefer Chinese, Indian, Mexican or Italian food best? italian then chinese then mexican

When’s the last time you rode a bike? a while. haha i cant recall

What’s the last thing you scratched? my back

What did you do for your 10th birthday? honestly, no idea.

Do you own a sketchbook? What’s the last thing you drew in it?  i use it to practice calligraphy 

Do you own any red shoes? no, red is too bold for me

Do you have a picture of you throwing up the peace sign? plenty back in my teen years

Do you know what your next injection will be? no, dont need it

Are you jealous of anyone at the moment? nope

Your parents split; Would you want to live with your Mom or Dad? i’m living by myself so i dont think i’d have to choose. but if i was younger, then my mom

Ever told your parents you were going somewhere but went somewhere else? yes, but nothing too bad

Are you gonna get high later? i dont do that 

Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? he annoys me sometimes, but no. haha

Do you smoke? nope

What are you planning on doing after this? get ready for the day

Do you think somebody’s in love with you? i sure hope so

Have you ever liked someone that was in a relationship? i had a crush on him, but i wasn’t going to destroy his relationship

What’s your current problem? i have to go to the bathroom haha

How many kids do you want to have? 2-3 

Have you kissed the last person you text messaged? yes

Where’s your phone right now?  next to my laptop

Do you have any plans for the weekend? yes! im going to a winery with some coworkers on saturday then on sunday i’m heading home to go to the pumpkin patch with my family

Has someone ever made you a promise and broke it? lol yes. my boyfriend’s brother. lol

Last movie/DVD watched? overdrive. it’s not all that great

What do you always take with you? my phone

What happened at 10am? not sure yet. i’ll probably be at work

Is there someone you will never forget? yes, a few people

Does anything hurt on your body? not right now

What was the best thing that happened today? so far, having coffee. oh and my boyfriend’s morning text

What is something you currently want right now? money. honestly. haha

What was the first thing you did when you woke up? check the time

Would you like to put last night on repeat, and live it forever? no not last night

How are you? ehh, not too bad

Is anything bothering you? not right now

Are you excited for next year? very. hopefully a better year than this one

What are your plans for tomorrow? not sure yet. it’s a free day tomorrow!

Is your room clean? pretty much. there’s a few things to be put away

Do you wear eyeliner? nope

Does anyone annoy you? some people

Is life good? not too shabby. hoping for more though