#going to start that tmrw but god
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#hellooooo it's been a long week for sure#got my exam results. did a lot better than i thought i'd do!!!#also had an interview for a place in a community college which i got#but i hopefully got into uni (i'll find out 2pm tmrw) so i mightn't need it!!!#i'm so scared man i'm used to class sizes of like.. 8 😭#and now i've gotta get 4 buses a day to the city and back instead of a 20 min stroll up the road 😔#did a pub crawl saturday to celebrate. had a lot of fun#been having fun with bg3 too!! i'm still on act 1#my ear is blocked again 😔 it's €60 to get it drained ughhh i'll just suffer on#getting my first tattoo soon though 🥳#enough about me lol i need to make a personal sideblog one of these days#i'll def have a lot less time to be active with sims stuff if i'm starting uni so i'll be sure to make one ^^#ANYWAYS here's ms macmahon#/roxana#i swear to god i'm going to catch up with all the new kmik posts when i wake up tomorrow#if i don't assume me dead#ts4
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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I have to say, whatever happened to me writing-wise yesterday needs to happen again Posthaste bc my inbox was in the 110s just two days ago
#tbd.#◜✧ . ❪ ooc. ❫#Like I said I'm trying to lock in and get Everything in my inbox replied to before uni starts again in 3 weeks ADHSAJDSHDJDJ#Didn't actually expect it to work but turns out miracles DO happen (/pos)! I can't write much if at all today bc I need to stave off hunger#for ~12 hours for some blood sample tests which means I'll Try to go to snork mimimiland soon to not think abt food#and tmrw my day will be fullllllll of med appointments but who knows I might still feel well after all that. BUT EITHER WAY /AFTER/ THAT#(starting Friday) I'll be sat at home again which means ample time for writing <3 I just need to get possessed by those writing gods again
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(venting in the tags ignore this lol)
#minhmy.rambles#(i just need to shout this somewhere where my friends don't see so they don't worry too much about me)#but oh my god work just got worse for this week im already working every day but tomorrow (aka in six and a half hours)#i will start at 5am and end at 9pm aka a double shift bc my coworker tested positive and there's no one else that can work#just for tomorrow but the rest of the week ill be working 1-9#which i hate even though im used to it night shifts are just boringgggg and takes up a lot of my time#which i already have so little of#my mom said i should clean my closet and i was going to tomorrow bc i wanted to play grandfest today but now i cant do that#bc ill literally be at work all day lol#and god its just so hard its so so hard but it could be worse. it literally could be worse#i cant be here as much anymore bc im so busy and tired i just draw when i can and drop them all here and leave#and i miss writing a lot but i have even less time and even less motivation and the more i work the more awful i feel#and i don't want to worry anyone like . i just don't#but its so difficult for me it really is#theres so many things i want to do but i cant do any of it and im so tired im literally so tired#like im not gonna end my life kinda tired i have a lot to look forward to. but work just really sucks and i am Tired#and i Like my job its literally the easiest and ill never have something like this again#but urghghghh. urggfhhghgh. death pain and suffering#if i draw more sif and loop suffering lol. this is why. i need to get the emotions out somehow and i don't want to cry over it#i cant cry bc i need to work i just have to keep my head up i just have to keep at it i just have to be strong and not break#i can do it i can.. i know i can i've been through worse#its just. augh.#ok done. sorry i rly rly should sleep soon bc of my 16 hour shift tmrw lol its past 10:30pm already
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#have been attempting to make a self-tape for this audition for DAYS#after a whole helluva lotta bullshit having to do with hunting down a time+space+camera to film with i Finally managed to get some takes#then some weird bullshit with the camera's sd card happened where i wasnt able to pull the files off onto my laptop#FINALLY able to copy the files to my laptop. FINALLY able to access playback (the video camera i borrowed wouldnt let me access its gallery#FINALLY watching them... they all kinda suck so far but thats Fine at least i Have Them yk#get to take 7 and its actually not nearly as terrible as the previous 6!! feelin pretty good abt this one!! dont get hopes too high ofc but#i mean hey this ones acceptable if the last few arent any good either & just in case i cant go thru with my plans for tmrw to do a reshoot#so yk i start to rename the file so i can tell which clip it is!#Whole Laptop Crashes#WAHOO#typed this up to avoid freakin out while carefully rebooting her. bbg dont do this to me#luckily i already saved multiple contingency copies just in case (bc ive already had so many issues i was feelin Extra Cautious)#so i at least dont have to worry about dealing with the sd card bullshit Again. ugh#EDITING TO SAY: SHE LIVES!! laptop is fine after powering back up & files are unscathed!! was able to retitle & keep on truckin no problem#god i hate dealing with video as a medium#*this* is why im a stage performer not a screen actor lmao#fuck this shit. juust gimme a floor and an audience and ill make it worrk#cameras are fickle creatures on-par with printer machines#im rly excitednervous abt this audition tho; only submitted my resume+headshot on a whim & didnt rly think anything would come of it#but they contacted me and asked for a tape!! so im like !!!!! okayy sure id love to send that !!! i just have to face The Horrors first#if i dont get it then thats not the end of the world or anyth; but itd be SO FUCKING COOL if my v first submission landed me my first gig!!#so uhh. pls put out a good thought to the universe for my self-tape landing me the chance to perform in this queer play festival !!#bee speaks#🤞🤞🤞
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realizing as i think abt the concert im going to tomorrow/today that i havent gone outside in almost a month. oops!
#personal spewage#which also means its been almost a month since my last therapy appt#god that sucks#god i miss therapy#god i hope i start getting paid again soon#god i hope i dont have to worry abt when ill get paid again anymore soon#anyway feeling more than a little anxious at the thought of Going Outside and Being Around People tmrw#but its cool im cool itll be cool#itll be a chill concert and the trip there/back is relatively painless#just gotta make sure i dress for the weather and ill be good#still 🙃 feel 🙃 kinda 🙃 terrified 🙃 though 🙃#whatever#im fine itll be fine i dont need to be scared going outside is Not That Scary#👍#sorry its late and i cant sleep and im hormonal and anxious. yknow. the uʒ
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guhhh
#marlo’s stuff#tmrw i gotta remember to go up and not tear up asking the math teacher how the fuck i was supposed to do that stupid assignment#and pe actually starts this week and theres a million reasons i hate that class and i’m not excited for it#and that fucking teacher. god that fucking teacher.
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*flopped down on a couch w/a glass bottle of apple juice to make it look like i'm drinking beer*
yeah... yeah i'm fine.... just coming to terms w/the fact that i must use javascript in order to achieve my vision w/the neocities...
#the main reason i haven't just abandoned this particular aspect of the Vision(tm) is bc it would be useful for like.#more than one thing. so it's like. le sigh.#(reading the documentation for tippy tooltips tonight so that i can sleep on it n try to implement it tmrw or something)#why is it always js.... please god spare me at least a Little bit of suffering here i'll never sin again etc etc#speaking of sin i've started speaking more candidly abt my queerness w/the kids at work this week#it's nice to talk to the older kids (as in fifth grade or older) bc even tho like. nine years old is when they start to be tolerable#they lack awareness n life experience. today i told the older kids that i like men but in a gay way#n one of them was like 'i don't get it' n then i reminded her of Gender:tm: n she was like 'ohhhh i get it'#n the two guys also listening were like 'what. i still don't get it.' ONE OF THEM ASKED ME IF I WAS AMAB ACTUALLY LOL#n i was like 'what? that's not important.' but that was really surprising! kids usually read me as female#so it was kind of flattering in a way to be asked 'were you born a boy?' like idk how he's trying to process my gender#but i'm going to flatter myself into thinking the question comes from him like. idk clocking some kind of innate masculinity or w/e idk#花話#anyway it's Crazy that it took me almost a year to not feel like i'd get instantly fired for telling kids i'm queer#Not going to lie it really felt like i'd never get to this point but it really is kinda just once you start it gets easier#(though to be fair i also wouldn't have told Any of the kids Anything had one of them not started acting like 'gays' was a dirty word)#(n i just Looked at him n said 'you know i'm a queer right?' n he was like 'O_O')#when i worked at homophobic summer camp i do remember daydreaming abt telling my boss i was a 'flaming queer'#i'd have put my feet up on her desk n everything as i made direct eye contact w/her but ofc i never did anything like that.#anyway! i will slep now so that i can get back to work on my projects tmrw morning
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just finished first kill and i’m sobbing my fucking eyes out so i think i’ll rewatch carmilla to heal the lesbian vampire romance hole that is now a part of my personality
#debating whether i should start now or tmrw#ehh i’ll probably have to run some errands for my mom ://#ew fuck then i have to socialize#decisions decisions#first kill#carmilla#netflix#wlw#we need more poc sapphic stories i swear to god#like i’ll take what i can get#but i mean#the fucking joy i feel when i see queer people of color in media!!!!!!#unmatched#shit i’m procrastinating going to bed oops
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admittedly the cure for loneliness is vulnerability but sometimes im really just not sure how much more i got left in the tank
#the amount of times ive tried to invite these two out or hang out with them lately and it's just like not happening...#idt they're curving me or anything but i do feel kinda spent from being the one in the groupchat always fiending for time with them#when will one of them DM that groupchat or even just me out of the blue and nigh on beg to hang out the way i do them.#personal#text#ill probably throw something out there tmrw morning asking if either of them want to hang. maybe go to the lake or thrift or something#im just getting cabin fever and im stressed and i miss them and i dont want to start classes and I don't want to find a new job and i don't#REALLY don't. want to leave chicago and i only have so much time with them even if i stay here because neither of them is staying...#god... whatever.
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alright making a pact w myself i will try bg3 A LITTLE BIT.... only a little bit not too long.... and Only If i can write this thing and email it to (redacted) tomorrow.
#god give me the strength to not throw up while doing this. ugh#i wanted to start tonight but........... studying german and doing fuck all was more tempting tbh#so.......... i will sleep and then i will wake up and then i will write this...... yes i will......... then i will write an email#and then send it..........#and then only then i can try the game....... remember i will treat this as a test run to see which settings my laptop can handle........#i will not spend too long on it....... i swear on my soon-to-exist romance with astarion........ who said that#bg3#🗒#btw she sent me an email saying what to do this noon so like. it wouldnt be weird to respond by idk tmrw evening right?#i always get so weird in the head abt these things. feels like i should respond right away but like. even if i responded right away#i could only say 'sure i will send another email when i finish writing it' ha ha ha#so like. it doesnt make sense. but also my mind refuses to understand how to be normal abt these stuff so i really dont know#also like there's 3 weeks to the deadline so. maybe i should chill and be normal and just write the thing tmrw and then send it#with the stuff she wanted and be like here u go! :) it would be normal i think#okay now we're over this now we have the other horrors. such as Writing It lol#i can do ittttt i can i just gotta commit and be brave etc#playing bg3
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PLAN: clean up, go to sleep, wake up at like 7 (i usually get up @ 7:30), decide whether i truly believe this mess is salvageable or not -> if yes then fucking salvage it / if no then go to [redacted] barbershop (~20 min walk). either way i need to have presentable hair and have had showered + changed all by 10 am
#10 am because if i’m going to walk into school with a man’s haircut and no hijab smack in the middle of the fucking school year i am#absolutely fucking not walking into a class where i don’t have any friends with me. and bio starts at 10:25 so yknow#also thank god my bio teacher isn’t gonna be here tmrw LOL like i don’t think i could stomach the guilt of walking into class like that in#front of a hijabi teacher. sitting next to a guy who she [teacher] knows is trans is bad enough#<- 2 things going on there like the fact that my friend is a guy is one and the fact that she definitely knows he’s trans is another#LIKE she’s not transphobic or anything and it doesn’t colour the way she interacts with him but like. idk i can tell#unlike with other teachers who’ve only known him since he transitioned yk#anyway#.txt#gender diary
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ok let's catch up quickly
#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth#(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian#like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told#him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive#fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research#(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux#to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him#my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept#insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them#and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating#apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they#keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading#this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY#JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT#NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn#this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore#i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt#himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure#even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin#right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love#her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her#its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking#kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD#i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society#feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO#WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best#its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good#one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much
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aughhhhh i wish i had books 2 read i wanna read books so bad rn 🤓 <- i look like this. 2 pictures of me 👇
#IM SO CRAZYYYY its whatever. im half done with listening 2 ersatz elevator .. 7 more left.. ill prolly finish ersatz elevator tmrw innit. n#Probably i will finish vile village as well and potentially get started on . its hostile hospital after vile village roght.... i feel so#fakee im sry 9 year old me#bc let me think with my head im almost positive carnivorous carnival is the 10th. YES IT IS bc theyre on the mountain from. oh lord no wait#its all so evil let me check. bc theres 7 left#ok my prediction is. 7. vile village 8. hostile hospital 9. carnivorous carnival? might be switched with prev 10. slippery slope#11 grim grotto 12 penultimate peril 13 the end.#im pretty much positive on the last 3. now i check and kamille screams at me in my head Sorry girl.#> me being entirely fucking right im literally like god if he was autistic and haunted#sooo let me do some math rqq... the last few books r likee 4 hours each i think. and i work 8 hours a day 5 days a week...#ive done the math and its sort of dire it appears ill probably finish either thursday or early friday. what on earth will i listen to after#that.... sigh. oh well... + tbh i dont just wanna do audiobooks even tho im excited for the last half of asoue bc i dont rememberit as much#well. clearly i do idk if you recall but i just named the last 7 books in perfect order. but anyways. im excited but also Lorddd i forgot#that i love irl real life readingg 😭😭#i might say fuck it and read the 3rd miss peregrines on internet archive. miserable .. i want to have it irl but you know.#n then i can go ahead n put the last 3 books on hold Rn so i can read those next week#AND ill put 2001 on hold too bc im sososososo excited abt it :]]]]
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for a second I thought huh, I can't tell if he likes when I dress more femininely or not, and then I thought. 1) doesn't matter obviously I will wear clothes I like but honestly more importantly 2) if he doesn't he's fucking stupid. so
#no one said or implied anything mean to me i just get bored and start making up problems.#I'm on a big fem kick rn which is a good time to do so because it's going to be very cold soon#went to spirit halloween w my housemates <3 they have such exciting accessories there omg#also god tomorrow morning i have a meeting at 8 am and another at 10 and then i have to go to medieval blood purity class#and i dont particularly want to do any of these things#i have stats tmrw though so i get to see my stats partner who we know i adore
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UNABLE to fucking function with this photo rotating in my head all day today. he makes me want to chomp on his arm like a feral dog. i need to attack him so badly the cuteness aggression i have is downright fatal to him.
#personal#i’m going out of town for the next week starting tmrw which means NO PS4 NO REPLAYING FC5 😭😭😭#KISSING HIM SO SWEETLY THO….. i don’t know what in gods name possessed me to love him this much 😭 but good lord#otp: hell’s coming with me#also peep the otp name for him 🤤 that song is so me-him coded
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