#gotta keep myself sane somehow

[soldier-poet-king]

I want to live in a house with people who love me. There is sunlight coming in the windows. Something smells wonderful in the kitchen. Laughter and music drift in from another room. Maybe there are some vegetables growing outside, or a really fat cat. It isn't perfect, it's maybe cramped, maybe messy, but it's enough.

[unspecifiedvolcano]

me while sitting on the bus: they dont know ill have superpowers one day

[todayisafridaynight]

forever and always obsessed with mine’s face shape kthnxbye

[your-loser-pet]

My intro!!!!!!!

hewo!!! im ur loser gf who asks way too many stupid questions:3

(i looked up online where a place like this is and tumblr showed up! im new to it but i did my research and i do hope i can make a new home here:) i heard thats lots of young girls go here to get attention so im sorry if im not welcome!

also imSOO sorry my into is so long im new to this! i tried to make it pretty though!

‼️this account is SH mostly with very little actual kink involved. i do this because i deserve it, because i need to, not coz i wanna‼️

me - 🌸

this account - 🌺

rules - 🌹

Me!

🌸 name: worthless excuses like me don’t get names:(

🌸 age: biologically 18 but i haven’t been keeping track and i’m stupider than a 9 year old >~<

🌸 location: im from the west but i belong in my room where no one can see me!

🌸 pronouns/gender: im female but im not good enough to be an actual woman, stupid things like me don’t have genders, so it/it’s pronouns are fitting and the best for me!:)

🌸 my sexuality: i don’t deserve to be with anyone but im open to anyone of any gender!

🌸 my physical description:

- blondish brown hair

- blue eyes (not the pretty kind, the dead kind)

- white and extremely pale coz i never go outside

- a bit chubby (130 pounds last time i checked) but im on a diet and doing my best to lose weight (tho im still and always will be gross)

- im also 5’5

- i have big boobs but i hate them

- idk how big my ass is but nothing special

- my thighs are pretty thick but not in a good way

🌸 my mental description

- im really stupid and rightfully hate myself for it

- im psychotic, i have anger issues, and borderline personality disorder

- im super obsessive and the more i like someone the more i let them do whatever they want to me

- but also it can be difficult to earn my trust (think of me like a bunny, weak, fragile, and frightened, only im not cute)

- i have an ed and i sh but i don’t like starving anymore because im incredibly malnourished, i also don’t have a way to cut :(

- i have no friends (wonder why lmao) but when i was younger older men online would always be so kind to me! so now i kinda depend on them:P

- i hate me and everyone else (you) should also!

This Account!

🌺 this accounts purpose: this blog is self harm first and lust second! most stuff doesn’t turn me on and i just use it as a way to hurt myself (by either making me uncomfortable or it hurting my feelings, etc)

🌺 purple text: self harm, vents, or anything along that nature that doesn’t involve my lust:)

🌺 pink text: me horny posting, meaning it’s something that actually does turn me on!

🌺all activity is welcome: dms, asks, anons are and always will be open to anything! go off and do whatever you want! just don’t break the rules hehe! but unsolicited dick pics and stuff like that are okay!

🌺 my interests on this account: im open to all kinks! this is just because while i have personal kinks, what i want doesn’t matter and my pain is good! so i have no sexual limits besides maybe a serious form of pain that hurts *other people* that isn’t me, like a misogyny kink for example, im not okay with, only because im not the only one hurt by misogyny! i don’t want anyone else to hurt:( only me, only i deserve to hurt.

🌺 my activity: im active the most after 7 pm, i gotta try n act like im sane, normal, human, and like a girl or else i’ll be found out! (well i rarely go out or talk to ppl but just in case.. im like batman teehee) and i log off at 10 pm (est)

🌺 when i post: because i have soo many thoughts and really don’t wanna spam and bother people:( and because i love schedule and rly like the scheduling/drafting system on tumblr, i put my thoughts into drafts n when im ready (brave enough) i schedule them for a specific time!:) every 30 minutes starting at 7 pm and ending at 10 pm (est) there should be a new post!:D so if im ever inactive but somehow still posting that’s why:)

Rules!

🌹 Ima have to put on a serious face for this but i feel i need to now because im generally bad at boundaries. absolutely NO rule breaking, under any circumstances. i am the holder of this account and i will block you if i deem it absolutely necessary. i don’t have many rules but im EXTREMELY strict when it comes to them (and i’ve tried but there’s no way i’ll be getting rid of them) so best case scenario, rule breakers will only receive a block, thank you for those who abide by the rules i love you:)

🌹 no racism, transphobia, homophobia, xenophobia, or sexism of any kind on my blog, this is a safe place for everyone. an extremely important thing to note is that i hate myself, degrade myself, hurt myself, let others use me, etc *not* because i’m female, but because of who i am as a creature. my sex and gender have nothing to do with it. please respect that simple fact.

🌹i don’t send. i can imagine that if i were to get close to someone i’ll send them any pictures they want (it’s certainly a possibility but it’s hard to gain my trust). so regardless of your reasons, i will not be posting or sending any pictures of myself that include my face or nudity. my body belongs to my future lover (deity) anyway.

🌹i don’t give out other socials. this one is simple, if i want to i’ll give you my discord but it’s highly rare so please don’t ask:)

🌹NO KIDS NO EXCEPTIONS. anyone under 18 is not welcome here it isn’t good for you, it isn’t even good for me.

🌹if you get triggered by any dark topics (drugs, rape, pedophilia, grooming, ed’s, sh, or anything really) please block me, the idea of hurting someone because of this account hurts me genuinely:(

🌹i will likely add more rules in the future but i’ll make sure to blog about it!

🌹 sorry for all the strictness n stuff i don’t like being firm or anything like that but i believe it’s necessary unless i get so overwhelmed and end up deleting my account within days:(

i’ll likely revise my intro in the future!:) please give me tips on how to make it or me better if you have any!<3

[lurkingshan]

Step by Step Missed Some Steps

Welp, here we are at the end of this show. And it sure did have a finale! That was indeed an episode 12.

Look pals, I’ve been clear about the fact that this show went off the rails for me in the final stretch. The finale didn’t change my view on that, unfortunately — it was, in my opinion, not a good episode of television and not a particularly coherent ending to this story. The time skip served little purpose in terms of character development and as one final hilarious pacing joke, Pat is still somehow 26! But we did get some nice domestic fanfic vignettes and one last bed scene as a parting gift, which was cool of them. I am a simple woman and I was in fact happy to get 30 uninterrupted minutes of domestic relationship fluff. Would I have liked it if the fluff had a stronger connection to an ongoing emotional arc? Sure would, but with this drama I’ve learned we really can’t have it all.   

In the spirit of giving this show a fair assessment while also not repeating myself too much or belaboring my criticism, I’m just gonna do a quick rundown of what its attempted big themes were and how successful I thought they were with each major thread, now that we’ve seen the full thing. Shoutout to @waitmyturtles and @neuroticbookworm for talking this through with me and keeping me sane the last few weeks, as well as @he-is-lightning-in-a-bottle, @williamrikers, @wen-kexing-apologist, @colourme-feral, @bengiyo, @colourme-feral and @sunshinesanctuary, all of whom wrote posts I have linked here. This is going to be a critical analysis so if you want to just vibe and bask in the cute feel free to skip reading. :)

The slow burn that never caught fire  

Let’s just get this out of the way. This show failed on the romance writing. They did a nine episode slow burn then fumbled the emotional payoff, tacked on a traditional four-act-structure breakup that didn’t fit, and had the wrong person apologize in the final reunion scene. There may have been a lot of sex, but the emotional arc for these two was incoherent and dissatisfying in the end, and I saw nothing in their reunion scene that explained to me why I was supposed to believe they would suddenly be a functional and happy couple. You gotta actually do that character work to sell it, not just tack on some cute epilogue scenes where they are suddenly healthier without showing me how they got there. 

But thank goodness for Man and Ben, because they still managed to salvage something out of this mess on the strength of their chemistry alone. I thank them for their service, and I will always treasure the bittersweet arc of those first nine episodes and the exquisite angst of Jeng’s lonely pining. That was good shit. 

Pat’s emotional maturity and character growth

Speaking of having the wrong person apologize in the reunion scene, this might actually be the thing I am most frustrated about. I’ve had a somewhat rocky road with Pat in this show, but I’ve wanted to believe in the arguments that his emotional inconsistency was intentional and leading us to some major character development for him. The show almost pulled it out in the final arc and got somewhere on this theme, but they blew it on the dismount. 

Because all the ingredients were right there on the table. In episode 11, we saw Pat finally come into his own, both at work and in his relationships. We saw him succeed at work, we saw him grow more confident, we saw him draw firm boundaries, and we saw him call both Put and Jeng on their bullshit. We saw him walk away from these toxic relationships that weren’t serving him, and we were on his side. The finale even opens with him thriving in his new business with Chot! It was a little weird that the show had him suddenly being besties with Put given where we left them in episode 11 (I could see a way for that to happen but the show, as ever, did not do the work and hand waved it away with a time skip, so no points from me) but that’s fairly easy to overlook as long as it serves his arc. When the finale opens our boy is doing well for himself—he has become a successful businessman in his own right—which you would expect to also come with some advancement in his emotional maturity. In those early scenes he seems like he’s finally got a handle on things. 

Except that crumbles the moment he sees Jeng again, and he instantly regresses into the same insecure, emotionally erratic, weak-willed youth he was before. We see him repeat all of his old patterns (to the point where it felt almost like intentional callbacks to his scenes from earlier in the series, but that would be such a weird thing to do in this context). He begins doubting himself, he loses emotional control and sobs into his dad’s shoulder, he gets wasted and makes a public spectacle of himself, he randomly decides to get back with an ex who wronged him, and he apologizes to Jeng for standing up for himself and ending their relationship when Jeng was the one entirely in the wrong and has done no work to change anything about his situation or earn Pat’s forgiveness.

And so rather than enjoying the reunion, I was mad when I was watching this scene. Flames on the side of my face. I have no idea what the writer was thinking when they crafted this ass backwards reunion scene, but it did double damage in that it put the final nail in the coffin for two of the show’s major arcs. Impressive in its own way, I suppose! 

Filial piety and Jeng’s family expectations  

This one truly just has me scratching my head. It feels like they simply…didn’t finish this part of the show? Because they’ve been telling me for 11 episodes that Jeng is broken and crumbling under the weight of his responsibilities to his father’s company (well, if I’m honest, they’ve only been telling us that explicitly for a few episodes, because for the first two-thirds of the show they were telling us he loves his work, but I’m trying to go with fandom interpretations of subtext here) but that he couldn’t simply walk away from this job because he is the eldest son and must fulfill his obligations of filial piety. And that a big part of the reason he fucked things up with Pat was because of that enormous pressure he was under, and he would have to face that and make things right.

So what happened in the finale to continue this storyline? Absolutely nothing! After a two year time skip in which nothing in Jeng’s work or family life changed, Pat randomly decides everything was his fault, actually, and he wants to get back together, and then Jeng simply walks away from this job. Casually strolls into his dad’s office and hands in a resignation letter like it ain’t no thing in a very short, very oddly toned scene in which his dad just kind of shrugs and then tosses the letter in the bin. Jeng even mentions in the next scene with Pat that his dad’s reaction was bizarre. And that’s it! That’s the end of that plot. We go through a bunch more time skips and Jeng did in fact leave that job, nothing else happens, the end. 

And look, I’m on record as feeling like this version of Jeng that was so broken he couldn’t see his way out of this situation or be a decent partner to Pat emerged in episode 10 largely out of nowhere, but the show took us down this path, so they needed to stand by it and finish the story. But they didn’t bother. Jeng “I intend to improve myself” Kittipong Attajiranon did nothing of the sort (at least not on screen where we could see it) in either his professional or personal life. Instead his problems just magically solved themselves and we time skipped through him becoming more stable. What am I to make of that? Guess we’ll never know!

Whatever the heck that was with Jaab and Jen

I feel like for this section I should just insert that meme of the blonde lady trying to work out incomprehensible equations, because that’s what it feels like trying to figure out what the point of this storyline was. Jaab appeared on screen in this finale for about two minutes, and Jen didn’t appear at all. The show doesn’t even bother to tell us if they’re together already or if Jaab is going to Japan to try to win Jen back (even though they previously told us he’d be back from Japan by this time), and neither of them is even mentioned again.

For this, they ate up a ton of real estate in the penultimate episode? Make it make sense!

Perils of the closet and homophobia in the workplace

Let’s end this on a positive note, shall we? This is the theme I do think came through most clearly, and they almost pulled it off (but not quite thanks to the baffling end of Jeng’s work and family arc).

We saw Pat and Jeng and Chot all deal with various forms of the closet and homophobia throughout the show. We saw the way that Chot’s partner being closeted with his family hurt Chot, and the relief he felt when he was finally able to be fully open with his love. We saw how Put’s fears about being out with his career hurt Pat. We saw how Jeng’s parents did not fully accept him and how he consequently struggled to be his authentic self at work. We saw Pat express his discomfort with the way media companies exploit queerness for monetary gain. We saw Pat get caught up in an online scandal when his relationships with Jeng and Put were exposed. We saw how all of these gay men were put in the position of working for executives who saw their sexuality as a problem to be crisis managed and a bargaining chip to threaten them with.

And in the finale we got to see Pat and Chot flourishing in their own company, where their queerness was an asset and not a problem, and where they got to set their own rules about how they wanted to work and who they wanted to work with. We got to see Jeng focus on the job he loves most in a setting where he can be his authentic self. Everybody has found a better work life balance. And we got to see all of them happy and in love and thriving. And even though the way they got there didn’t always feel earned, at least we can say they got a beautiful ending free of those burdens.  

As a final note, I just want to say how fun it’s been to watch this show along with y’all. We didn’t always agree, but the discussion was always interesting and the experience brought me a lot of joy. The show yeeted itself off a cliff for me in the final stretch but I will always remember the watch experience fondly and y'all will have to pry Man away from my cold dead hands. Onward to the next drama!

[dark-is-d3ad]

Moving AU, part 3, anyone? Haven't got a tv and a ps5 like Ghost, but I do have some lights now (gosh my own headcanon made me want them so bad, why do I do this to myself).

Part 1, part 2, part 2.5 - context.

• A few days later it really starts getting on Ghost's nerves. Even with help from Gaz and Roach, a lot of their stuff isn't sorted yet, and they're both tired of it already. He's used to order, his home was always organised, and this is nowhere near it, and it won't be for foreseeable future. So, he does the only sane thing every adult person should do in this situation: holes up on the sofa and goes on a gaming binge.

• Ghost's sofa is black (of course), huge, and it's just a sofa. No plead, no pillows. A comfy one, yes, but to Soap it looks kinda empty. Well, given that its owner only has one chair to his name, Johnny knows better than to expect something else. Yet, he kind of wants to sneak in a couple of pillows, and is very surprised when Ghost protects his space with ferocity of a wild cat. No funny colours on his sofa of doom, not even a smidge. Johnny's slightly upset, but he's not giving up on the plan.

• He starts by fucking around. Then sits down to play Diablo with Ghost in the evening. Brings a plead and a nice mustard-coloured pillow in a little while, just to make himself comfy for the time being, OK? It's fucking cold. And then he conveniently forgets them there. Several days of shenanigans after, Ghost concedes.

"Pillow allowance," he says, so seriously it cracks Soap up. "No more than two, no patterns." No patterns it is. Johnny still counts it as a win.

• Soap's go-to sorting method is "make em piles". He's got a clean laundry pile, a dirty laundry pile, a kitchen pile, a random stuff pile, and he keeps throwing things around when he goes through the rest of the stuff they have to sort. With all due respect, that annoys Ghost to an extreme degree, because there's piles everywhere, but it doesn't look like they're getting smaller. If anything, they started to consume the little space they had.

• The "dirty dishes" pile is one of them, and Ghost finally takes care of it. They both dislike washing dishes, but someone's gotta do it. And it apparently annoys him more than Johhny, so Ghost gets to get rid of it. He feels so much better when it's all done, dried, and put away.

• They've split the wardrobe, and Soap's side is still partly in the pile state. It's also how Ghost learns that Soap doesn't really iron his clothes unless it's like a shirt he's going to wear on a wedding today, and he has to. At this point he's really starting to question his own sanity. Why does it bother him what Soap does (or doesn't) with his clothes? He really needs to chill out, he decides.

• Johnny's really doing just fine, because none of what Ghost does really bothers him, and he's in his lane, somehow managing to hop around his newly made piles while still on crutches, and he does it so effortlessly. It's Ghost who keeps stumbling on them and cursing all the time.

• Somehow there's not much space for Ghost's gun collection. Ok, he's got a place to work on them, but he doesn't want to store them away. After a while, they decide that one of the bedroom walls can be sacrificed so he can hang them up nicely.

"Are we sleeping in the armoury now?" Soap asks.

"You've got your toys,I've got mine."

Fair.

• Johnny's art room is one of the spaces that actually came together from the get go. All of his things had fit, and it's got a nice space to it, enough to put an easel out, and maybe set up a composition. And the light is good. There's a shelf in there almost bursting from the art supplies he had accumulated over the years. The best way to describe it would be "organised chaos." Somehow, while in other spaces the chaos really gets to Ghost, he enjoys it in the art room. He's been spending more and more time in there.

• Johnny has a little really soft futon with loads of pillows in the corner, just next to his desk (it's not for naps, OK? It's for a performance series where the artist explores their understanding of comfort, and if they happen to start to snore, it's a part of it). So, Ghost is now also an artist of sorts. He's been doing these performance pieces quite alright, working on it tirelessly almost every afternoon, and Johnny really doesn't mind it for two big reasons. First: he gets to draw relaxed Ghost, sometimes even maskless. Second: it's nice to join him there, too. It's a perfect cuddling space.

• What Ghost loves about the futon corner is that it is freaking ultimate safety. Even his sofa wasn't ever as good as this. He can actually sleep there without nightmares. The fact that Johnny's around doing his thing, the quiet rustling of pencil on paper, music low on the background - it knocks him out better than any sleeping aids he had ever tried. He usually comes there with a book, but never goes through more than 10 pages at most.

• After their kitchen finally got sorted, they found a quick understanding. If one cooks, the other does the dishes. Soap basically takes over dinners, Ghost does breakfasts, and they usually have a snack in the midday rather than a proper lunch. Also, Johnny shows him a couple of tricks to level up his cooking game, so now breakfasts are getting fancier. Ghost's secretly very proud of himself. And Soap doesn't miss a chance to praise him when it turns out good which honestly helps way more than he's ready to admit.

• Ghost basically stole a couple of finished paintings and hung them up in the living room. Soap tries to argue that they aren't his best ones, and they aren't good enough, and he could probably find a multitude of reasons why they should take them down.

"But I like them," Ghost says simply. And it's hard to argue with that. Besides, after a couple of days, Johnny gets used to it, and deems them "not too bad". It's a tie now, and a bloody good comeback for the pillow intrusion.

• He lets Johnny help him take care of the guns. It's a nice chill evening, they work on them together, Soap's humming a little silly tune under his breath. Ghost says they really have to take them out on a shooting range when his shoulder is better, shoot some plates or something. Johnny's thrilled about it.

• A few days later, Ghost finally declares war on the rest of the piles, and goes through them in one go, not stopping until they're gone for good. There's very little random stuff left after that, and they just put it all in a box and make a very responsible adult decision to put it away and go through it sometime later. Both know that it will probably never happen, but do they care? Not really.

~~~

"You know what's weird, Johnny?"

"What?"

"You know how if you're left with extra parts in a Lego set that means you've messed up a step somewhere?"

"Yeah, and?"

"We've got some screws, and that one is definitely from that chair. It's supposed to go in first."

"Oh, hell no, Si, we're not doing it again."

~~~

• They are even hosting a little housewarming party. Ghost never had one, so he's way too anxious, although it's just the close circle - their team + Laswell and her wife.

P.S. there will probably be one more part with the party, some neighbour action, a little more of outside stuff, but that's where I'm wrapping it up. After all, the move is done, piles are almost gone, and I'm close to being a functional human being again.

[therubberducklad]

More Monkie kid as cats!!

Gotta keep myself sane somehow until English subtitles come out 😌

[ramayantika]

Academics will somehow be a sore spot for me I think. I have no solid achievements and nobody gives a shit about dance and writing because that is something I am always busy in and lost into. I don't know the answers to tough or thought provoking scientific questions but I so wish that they all would ever sit and ask me about my thoughts and talk like talk to me about the little things that interest me. Sometimes I worry if art is something I am obsessed with ans what if I am working so hard to have an achievement like all my siblings but that's the only thing, practicing art keeping me sane all this whole and sane. I wish I wish I had something solid to show, something nice for everyone in their eyes, but me topping my dance exams too will be just a matter to smile. Maybe I overthink it, or maybe I am finally seeing things. I hate being alone every fucking time but somehow I still choose to walk alone probably because I accept. God, will I someday somewhere get there. Sure you gotta do things for yourself, follow your dreams. It's a shared dream, and I am so worried. I have never won, never proved someone right and I am scared so damn scared internally but deep breaths I think I will be fine. It's chaos everywhere but where it isn't. I love something which demands movement and flow, sometimes rogue to keep finding new perspectives. Maybe I have to be the different child of the family. The path I chose will never make them understand. My mother does. It's our shared dream, and this friend asked me how would I deal with relationships and my dream, but how else would I explain the intensity of this dream that I have which goes beyond the bonds of matrimony. I can't live like that, forgotten to just earn and live with my family and go die some day. I hate to ve forgotten, but let me be forgotten when truly the world is dead. I have to dance, write and explore countless of stories. I want to perform, be on stage, go to different cities and find and perform stories and enact characters. We see that dream together and I would totally die than ever have an option for quitting. But I need to slow down and calm myself it will be better someday somewhere. Only a little while longer. Things are tuning up, it is okay if they don't understand. I have had this loneliness before too maybe some time later I will find the circle I want.

[toxooz]

Hi Toxooz, how do you get yourself to draw so frequently? 👀👀👀

bc i have literally 84 things going on at once in my brain at all times that my highly visually obsessed brain Has To physically get in front of my eyes so that i can see or else will i think abt it over and over again and Brother I'm always envisioning things characters scenes scenarios outfits designs colors all of it in my cranium like angry itchy itchy ITCHY bees until i draw them out lmfao even if i don't know what to specifically draw at the current moment imma still end up drawing somehow ¯\_(���)_/¯ I think at this point it's literally hardwired into my brain that I Gotta draw its what I've been doing since I could hold a pencil tbh it's how i cope with being -gestures vaguely- Here and alive, i actually gotta force myself to take a day off and schedule days where I DONT draw bc I know it's wearing on my hands and wrists 😬 I guess physically drawing grounds me in a way and keeps me (mostly) sane like if I don't draw for a few days i start getting Vaguely Antsy it's fukkin weird and i think at this point my love for my characters has surpassed like any form of art block if that makes sense??? like they literally take up 92% of my brain if not more, and the only way to see them is to draw them but yeah it's just what i do it's my jelly n my jam which is why I'm literally so glad i realized that i don't want to make drawing a job/career bc God help me if i start dreading drawing bc of the stress of money I've been drawing like crazy for like 2 decades straight and I only wanna draw more man idk!!!!! It's just one of them 'how the brain formed around what you do an assload of times' thangs

Answer translation: idk I just like to draw a lot lmfao

[heretic-saint-taliesin]

DAY 6 - SALVAGE SHIP THE WRETCHED_

[Communications commence, Boris’ tone is neutral_] 

Day Six, salvage ship The Wretched. Flight Engineer Boris reporting. It’s almost been a full week. Somehow, I’m still alive_

I should see what I can get done. I can hear noises and I don’t like the sound of them_

Found the source of the grinding noises and I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all. It’s the life support system - the one thing I need to function because otherwise it really is the end of times for me. I’ve given it a patch over but it’s still making all those noises and it can’t be healthy at all for it_ 

[He keeps tinkering, clanging about with tools and grunting with frustration_]

It’ll just have to do. Maybe it’ll keep another week, maybe I’ve only got a few more hours. Thing is, there’s not a backup life support system. If this goes then… It goes. Gravity, oxygen, the remains of the food storage, heating and air ventilation and recycling - take your pick at what kills me first_

[He stifles a dark laugh_]

Sorry alien, looks like you have to race my body suffocating, freezing or starving to death to win_

[His laughter soon becomes a sigh, however_] 

Yeah… No. This ain’t good. Ain’t good at all. I’d better start weighing my options and seeing if hooking a local oxygen system is possible somewhere. If at all. I’ll add it to my to-do list. Not like I’ve many pressing engagements these days_

[Boris speaks in a mocking US-Country accent]

Well there’s yer problem!_ 

[His voice returns to normal and he groans_] 

No wonder I was fucking short of breath - it’s not just the Life Support system that’s heaving and wheezing. There’s an actual O2 leak onboard! Of all the damn things I’m leaking oxygen - just great! Fucking perfect. Amaxing_

[He laughs loudly and it descends into coughs_]

Explains it all. So now I’ve gotta go patch up the hull and then at least breathing will be fine. No point wasting time. I think the oxygen deficiency is already getting to me_ 

[His footsteps echo as he walks, dropping a bag loudly and then starting to rummage within it. He clatters about and then the sound of welding tools can be heard_]

Hollis knew these kinds of systems better than me since he maintained them. He’d have known when there was an O2 leak and fixed it. He’d have understood. Fuckin’ hell why do I end up in situations like this. Why why why… It’s not fair_

Ada too she… She’d have known. Her and ADAM would have alerted us. Why isn’t she here to help me now?_ 

[There’s a click as he finishes welding.]

I think the lack of oxygen is getting to me_

Admittedly I’ve been trying to stay armed while going around the ship now. That’s why I need the systems to work because I need to be sane enough to use this rifle properly if I need to_

[There’s a rustling sound and the sound of Boris walking as he talks_]

It’s a rifle. Specifically a UKM-2015M Polish General Purpose Machine Gun. It’s one of several in the armoury - we were supposed to only have the guns in case of hostile contact but little good that did huh. Stanisław kept his on him because his rank as commander let him. I think he was just attached to it and more than a little paranoid about alien life. I used to laugh about it and now I can’t bring myself to_

[He reaches a door and it opens, walking fast_]

Now I’m the paranoid one touting a rifle and pointing it first around corners before I go anywhere. I don’t know what god I apologise and beg forgiveness from at this point but I’m sorry okay_

[He sighs, coming to a stop_]

Truthfully most of my guilt comes from the fact I pulled it out of the Commander’s hands to use it for myself. I mean, what use is it to a dead man? None. It didn’t do him much use fighting that thing either from looks of it. I wonder if it jammed at the last minute? Or if the creature is just bulletproof? The answers to those questions are neither known nor comforting to me. But having a gun of some kind is… something I guess_ 

Running around with a rifle on is one thing, I think my paranoia has me hashing out my survival plans to worrying detail. My mind has been planning the best places I can hide in case of an emergency and, worse still, I think I have them in order. 

[Boris’ voice is neutral and normal, coming from a room that doesn’t echo so much as other areas of the ship do.]

Firstly is the storage container from before. If it ain’t broke - don’t fix it. Worked last time, could work again. Only down side is that it is repeating plan A again and well… That thing has revealed itself to be horribly intelligent. It might know that trick and actually try to get into the storage container this time. I give it a 7/10_

[Pause_]

Second is the kitchen deep freezer. There’s nothing in there to freeze anymore so I shut off the cooling system. Now it’s just one big sealed room with plenty of spaces to hide behind and inside. It’s roomy but still a little chilly as the last of the ice is defrosting. 6/10 because if it’s still cold when I actually have to hide in there that’s going to suck ass_

[Pause, Boris taps his fingers on the table_]

Thirdly… The armoury. Guns are good and there’s probably some explosives in there I can use too. Even if it becomes my final resting place I cannot deny going out in an explosive blaze of glory against this adversary may at least be noble. 8/10_ 

[Pause_]

Fourth place goes to the vent system. I really don’t want to use this one if I have to because I have a very strong suspicion that this creature can and would fit into the vents if it felt it needed to. But I can also fit in there and I know them better from studying the schematics. It's a terrain advantage - or so I keep telling myself. 5/10_ 

[Boris pauses at that one to laugh, then sighs_]

And finally, fifth best place to hide would be… The brig. Why do we have a brig? All ships have a brig. It’s underneath the engines in the coldest and most isolated part of the entire Wretched and well - that’s a good set up for somewhere to be if you don’t want to be found. But it’d be depressing as all hell to stay there for hours on end. 10/10 for theory, 2/10 practicality_ 

[He keeps tapping his fingers on the table and then fiddles with the recorder itself_]

I think that’s all I have for today though, not too bad_ 

Flight Engineer Boris Strugatsky Signing off_ 

[todayisafridaynight]

If Mine is somehow in 8 and I just have no idea how he possibly could be and don’t have any expectations of it to keep myself sane AND he has a ✨🏳️‍🌈moment🏳️‍🌈✨ with Daigo that’s anything like the RGGO stories I’ll run around the earth three times. Those mobile game stories are like THEE craziest things to me still. Especially in terms of them really trying to tell us about Mine what he’s into

If richardson can survive then itd be outright bonkers if mine didnt make it. Like they fell from the same height Bod to Bod- unless richardson used him as a pillow then DAMN. UNFORTUNATE.

mine. Arguably deserves to tell daigo he loves him one more time. Daigo dont gotta reciprocate it but it’d be funny to see mine get to say he loves daigo while daigos awake this time

[fandom-loveletters]

Hey first off this is amazing what you do. So thank you! And mind if I request a love letter real sweet from Sam Winchester life has been real sucky as of late. And my name is Angelina❤❤❤

(Thank you! And I’m so sorry to be MIA for so long. I hope things have gotten easier for you, or will soon)

Angelina,

How are you?

Heh, that question feels so normal… it’s almost strange to me. But never mind, I want to talk about you. I hope you’re doing well, and—maybe this is a little bit selfish, but—I hope you’re thinking about me… I know I’ve been thinking about you. I haven’t been able to stop, really. Gosh, Angelina, you just take my breath away. Every day I wake up and think about your smiling face, and every night I think about your beautiful eyes. It’s like, through all of this craziness, you’re somehow the most sane thing I’ve ever known. You keep me sane. Even when Dean is getting on my nerves…

Seriously, I don’t know where I’d be without you. Probably Hell… again. But no, I’ve got to keep reminding myself, I’m here, I’m alive, and I’m going to stay alive—for you. I hope you can do the same for me.

Alright, I’ve gotta go. There’s a, ritual, or something—I don’t even know anymore, but we’ve got work to do. I love you so much, Angelina. Take care for me, okay? Okay. Bye.

~Sam

[still-with-koo]

Idk if we'll ever get the full song, but i'm happy that he shared even a bit of it with us. That's just one reason why I apreciate these guys so much, they really write about the most vulnerable feelings and then share it with the world, just like that...

Yeah, hope so... but it's not likely. But hey, you're right, at least we have armys that will post clips 🥲

Good luck at the conference!!

- 🧸

Absolutely, you’re so right 🥺 I remember when it first came out I teared up bc the lyrics are incredibly vulnerable (and hit so close to home for me). I love that they trust us with those parts of them 💜

The post concert clips will have to do most likely unless we get lucky somehow, although maybe not seeing him and that tongue in action is much better for our health 🕳🚶🏼‍♀️(gotta keep myself sane somehow 😭)

Thank you!! ❤️

[mntcoronet]

well boy howdy it certainly has been a very. interesting few days

[bosbruined]

idk if i’ve gotten more bitter or if everyone else has gotten more annoying but this is my third playoff season on this app and my tag blacklist has quintupled in the last week

[valkyrieandstrangeridingaragorn]

If the creative team for the Loki show had really wanted to do something bold, unusual and out of the box, they could’ve just made Loki the protagonist. I mean, the real protagonist. They could’ve allowed Loki’s thoughts, his feelings and his perspective to finally come to the forefront and finally be treated as important and to finally matter. They could’ve made the show sympathetic towards him. They could’ve delved in so deep, explored so many things. But they couldn’t even do that. Because they didn’t want to.

It makes sense if you think about it. Did we honestly think that they would devote a whole series to the one character that they enjoy killing over and over and over? The one character that writers and directors alike have openly admitted to resenting and hating? The one character that you’re supposed to “love to hate and hate to love” because either way hate MUST be a part of that equation because those are the only 2 appropriate, acceptable, normal and sane choices you’re given as to how to feel about him? I don’t know why we expected anything else.

I just keep thinking about something someone said, and I can’t remember who it was. But they said that this show is “a love letter to Loki fans” and I just can’t get over that. Are they f**** serious?? They spend the entirety of 6 episodes going out of their way to show us what a spoiled, weak, whiny, incompetent, pathetic, narcissistic piece of shit he is who couldn’t lie, manipulate, silvertongue, trick, magic or mischief his way out of a paper bag with a hole in the bottom. Whose family gave him sO MucH LoVe and it just wasn’t enough for him because he’s such a greedy, selfish power-hungry evil rotten no-good bad seed. This show actually had me wondering what I ever saw in him. Wondering if he really was nothing but a stabby McBackstabber all this time and I was just blind to it somehow. Was he really always this empty, this shallow and I just never saw it?

I feel you honey and understand your frustration, I think we all share it. I wondered the same thing myself at the end of the series, especially because everywhere I looked people seemed to love it, love him, and it was so confusing. Up until I came here last year I had a phase where I stopped liking him altogether and it took some time, and seeing the many wonderful takes in this site, to feel my brain start functioning again and going back to him. I gotta admit though it's not the same anymore with him, I still like him but... it's not the same.

The series is not a love letter to his fans, it's a love letter to his haters, the fans who never made the effort to understand him or see anything in him besides "evil guy who wants a throne". Marvel stripped him of his complexity and turned him into the most palatable character they could think of and of course they gave the haters what they wanted: he's evil, he wants the throne, people treat him like crap, plus a bunch of time travel bullshit and alternate timelines to make it seem like the series has a plot.

I suppose you're right and we should have expected them to do this but you know what they say about hope, it's the last thing you lose... 🤦