#grandma darby

[witchofthesouls]

I don’t know what’s a better premise for a Humans-to-Cybertronians!Darbys in a Other!AU:

A world where the ‘bots and ‘cons are trying and failing to figure where the hell the random Cybertronian signal is coming from: it pops all over the place as if it can teleport or the disguise is so well hidden that no can tell what’s the alt-mode.

It’s Jack. And his “alt-mode” is a human teenager disguise. That’s why the ‘bots and ‘cons can’t fully triangulate on his position. His actual form is the Cybertronian equivalent of 10 year-old child. He’s an honest-to-Primus sparkling and it’ll drive everyone nuts since sparkling!Jack has no chill- 

Jack literally tore up Ratchet’s ambulance alt-mode when he was lured into a trap. Sure, the medic could withstand the damage from his naturally reinforced frame, but doesn’t mean it was an enjoyable experience getting clawed up.

Ratchet’s alt-mode was shaking at the base. He was literally bouncing on his tires from the sheer force, so the rest of ‘bots were prepared for a spooked child. When Ratchet unlocked his doors. Nothing. Until one brave soul approached to open the door and Jack came at them swinging with bladed extensions. He managed to cut a wrist and disable an arm before someone grabbed him by the scruffbar.  

Several hundred years ago, a Foundation site was working to contain an Artifact, which reacted extremely with several measures, so it induced a transformation within the personnel of the established perimeter.

Metamorphosis via scientific, magical, or alien measures is an occupational hazard. It was ruled that the new metal forms were a cross of Clockwork and the automata by Hephaestus, especially now they are sustained by fae-derived foodstuffs.

The Fair Folk had long since cultivated their crops and livestock by utilizing energon mines…

The personnel kept doing their jobs. Some managed to figure out T-cogs and transformative sequences far faster than others. Many opted to stay in a particular space in Elsewhere to take advantage of the strange time flow to get their new bodies under control to a degree they could return to mundane Earth. Sure, they can still go to the Night Markets as a 25-feet metal giant, but it would be nice to able to condense down and slap on an enchantment to go to the movie theater or the pick up the kids from a mundane school.

The Autobots are absolutely lucky that June is the one that fetched her son and not Grandma Darby because she would rain hellfire and brimstone.

This Jack has learned different lessons and is willing to stab and set people on fire. Much to Miko’s amazement and the ‘bots’ collective horror.

When Jack isn’t in his human form, he’s taller than an full-grown adult human, so he can actually give Miko and Raf piggy-backs if he needs to travel fast.

Then there’s a world where the Autobots stumble on the Other side because Raf calls Bumblebee on how to care for a robot baby that’s crying in his house -his sister’s room to be exact.

Raf, by sheer chance, came home to pick up things for a sleep over at the base because he needed to catch up the science project Of course, Bumblebee thinks it’s a weird toy or an advanced experiment because his sister just came home for a break-

And then Raf opens the window to the room and Bumblebee shits a brick because oh Primus, oh fuck, it’s a newspark-

Holomatter!Bumblebee and Raf carefully blanket-carry the infant to the black and yellow Urbana as Bumblebee is frantically hailing Ratchet over what to do.

Raf is riding with the baby in the back and has no idea that Cybertronians could be soft and kinda jiggling since his fingers leave smudges and the baby’s metal shudders and slightly warps while wailing and flailing rounded, short limbs.

Ratchet didn’t think it was funny and was chewing out the scout’s tailpipe until Bumblebee, after breaking so many traffic laws, hit the base and practically shifted with the newspark and Raf in his arms.

Autobots at the base: Bluescreen

Ratchet is trying to stabilize a premie infant when the intruders in the form of June’s friends (one former human and one hybrid) gets into a standoff with the Autobots over “kidnapping.” Pilar is there trying to diffuse the situation. June’s friends immediately nab Ratchet (and newspark!Jack) since he’s a well-trained medic that’s blowing a gasket over the baby and June really needs help from traumatic injuries from a breech containment.

Ratchet is spirited away. Pilar has to guide the others to the Other Half of Jasper Hospital where a fistfight almost breaks out.

June recovers. Grandma Darby is very grateful for the extra help, and hassles Ratchet about becoming a consultant since Ratchet is a treasure trove of necessary medical information with the new Cybertronians in the personnel.

Grandma also hassles June and Jack into the base because she’s utterly worried about their health and she’s flying blind about their new frames.

Grandma Darby, no matter the iteration, she’s the embodiment of “Do wanna start a fight? Do wanna catch these hands?”

Like if Airachnid tried to target the remains of her family, Grandma would pantomime the itsy bitsy spider using her fingers, shadow-stitching, precise weather manipulation, and Airachnid’s unwilling body.

Miko and Raf would be absolutely enamored by her since she’s willing to indulge their curiosity about the Other side as well as their heritage and how to tap into that potential should they want to utilize it.

[cigaretteslutz]

guys so i tried to do darby allin’s face makeup but I didn’t have white face paint 😭😭

😭😭 send help

[judgementdaysunshine]

The moon and the morning light

Pairing: Kris Statlander x Fem reader

Description: Kris surprises you with a date night under the stars

The first thing Kris did after you finished the laundry was grab the picnic basket and a blanket before the two of you were driving around. She wouldn't tell you where she was taking you or why, but soon she stopped after riding through a small field before getting out and following her to a tree where she places the blanket and a lantern as you stare in awe at the sky of just how many stars there were in the sky more than normal while sitting down and opening the basket to find a bottle of champagne, water, fruits, and small snacks the two of you share in between star gazing and tracing constellations in the sky, "I haven't done this in so long" she listens as you tell her of how you used to star gaze with your grandma when you were younger. "That was the last thing we did before she passed, got into AEW right before and... God she would have been screaming it to the moon" she knew how close and attached you were to your grandma Farrah for your whole life until she passed two and a half years earlier just as your career skyrocketed from the small local circuits to being on and one of the top stars on AEW, kris had helped you slowly move on from her passing and even had a whole event for cancer awareness on dynamite for a week straight which hit 3.9 million dollars of donations and you could never thank her enough for it all that she had done for you even before the two of you had gotten together during the first bit of your arrival to AEW. The two of you ended up being set up on a blind date thanks to Willow, Darby, and Cassidy who knew there was something more blooming than a friendship and also they each had a bet on whether the two of you would get together or not which ended with cassidy having to pay darby and willow 100 dollars each the next weekend everyone met up for lunch, the rest of the night is spent enjoying fruits before you fall asleep until Kris woke you up an hour later after putting the basket in the car and coming back for the blanket which is put in the trunk leading to the drive home and drawing constellations in your notebook and showing her ones of constellations she never knew of until the two of you were asleep.

[your-grandmaa]

Ofc i know the national anthem. How does a cryptic, worn-out, one of a kind ancient cookbook Dropped in the middle of a forgotten box with lots of junk in it By providence, discovered in an attic Lead our three daring heroes into magic? This all-knowing, sometimes glowing book of dishes Can grant all wishes, but you have to be smarter ‘Cause it gets much harder, gotta keep a sharp eye on the fine print Where riddles change the spells that you rely on And everyday, while girls were on a mission in the kitchen away Yet Mama P, she plotted and kept an eye out Inside, she was longing for spells she could try out The lady was ready to lie, cheat, steal, then fly out But with every recipe, became a clue to see How to master every spice, how strong they could be From Elysian to Carnesian, they knew every family A tag group of three with endless possibility Then the Traveler came around, said “You gotta be real smart, girls Otherwise, this book, it’s gonna tear you three apart, girls” Gotta keep focused, yeah, you gotta stay on task And now, girls, I have to ask What’s your task, girls? Saving Kelly’s Grandma Quinn Yeah, we’re saving Kelly’s Grandma Quinn And there’s a million spells we’re gonna try But just you wait Just you wait It started with a cake, shut ‘em up, couldn’t talk Then Darbie hurt her knee, later up couldn’t walk So they tried another charm, just a tart, what’s the harm? And Darbie got better, but it froze Kelly’s arm Moving through the book, trying every spell it would provide Left ‘em with little but downsides, and that voice inside’s Still saying, “Kelly, your instincts you must trust” She kept on searching, on searching who will save Grandma, but It will take the three girls’ chemistry to reach to Grandma’s brain You see, if they put their trust in Mama P, it would be a catastrophe And they kept on looking, cooking, tryna get that spell to break Until they finally made their own Last-Ditch Layer Cake It broke every spell the town had ever known Including sending Chuck Hankins into the twilight zone But now, if he’s back, it could be their last stand If Chuck’s back, they will need a new plan If Chuck’s back, they will need a new plan If Chuck’s back, they will need a new plan If Chuck’s back, they will need a new plan If Chuck’s back, just you wait Saving Kelly’s Grandma Quinn (Saving Kelly’s Grandma Quinn) No doubt it was just the start The girls never backed down, they always measured up the Time Oh, saving Kelly’s Grandma Quinn (Saving Kelly’s Grandma Quinn) Turns out it was just the start Every girl did her part Untold courage, brains and heart But now Chuck’s back in Saffron Falls Oh Chuck is off the ferris wheel, see if you can spot him He’s got a pompadour and jeans rolled at the bottom The OCs sent him far away, but they never forgot him They trusted him She hated him She spelled him She loved him And we We’re the right girls to fight him There’s a million spells we’re gonna try Just you wait What’s your name, girls? Hannah Darbie Kelly Quinn

[toaverse]

Disney Modern AU: Lightyear

Disclaimer: I'm no expert on the military and only go off of google searches, just wanted to make that clear.

Buzz, Izzy, Mo and Darby are all in the Air Force. Buzz is a pilot, Izzy and Mo are mechanics, and Darby is a retired explosive expert.

Izzy comes from a military family. Her late grandma Alisha was a famous pilot in the Air Force, her grandma Kiko is a retired scientist, and her father is a veteran in the army.

Mo had dreams of becoming a dentist, but those dreams are long gone after being drafted to serve.

Darby has a pet raven that only the three others know about.

Buzz has two pet cats, Sox and Socks. He found the former on the streets before enlisting in the Air Force, while he took the latter away from his shitty father who didn't treat the cat kindly...

While in service, Mo developed a huge tick of clicking pens as a coping mechanism. At first it annoyed everyone, but the other three got used to it and don’t mind it now.

It would only be after Buzz, Izzy and Mo finished their service that they meet the Toy Story characters :)

[potionboy3]

brooke killingbeck | boulevard of broken dreams pt.2

read between the lines what's fucked up, and everything's alright check my vital signs to know I'm still alive, and I walk alone

i didn't have time to finish this yesterday but for brooke's birthday i wanted to make a longer version of this iconic video where i brought them to life for the first time. now he has people in his life that i could include.

in the video:

vanya kavinsky @gaygryffindorgal darby rosen @gaygryffindorgal jesper greenaway @gaygryffindorgal harker hartford jude castellan grandma piper orrell hale killingbeck creepy crow "friend" judy bones @gaygryffindorgal

[mechanica1-hands]

@jules-of-the-sea @meowdyllic

[sapphic-lottienat]

15 questions

tagged by @antlerslayer (tysm ilyy <3)

were you named after anyone? uhh some old grandma or relative (the name isobel, my real name) fun fact she was also a ginger

when was then last time you cried? when i broke up with my girlfriend a few weeks agooo im not too sad abt it anymore but it was like a shock to the system yk

do you have kids? absolutely not

what sports do you play/have you played? im aussie as heck so netball!!

do you use sarcasm? i try not to rlly but i do sometimes

what is the first thing you notice about people? their general vibe if that makes sense? likee if they seem like a cool person or a bit annoying yk

what’s your eye color? like a light brown sorta greenish colour :) i wish i had darker eyes tbh (like shauna shipman omggg)

scary movies or happy endings? BOTH i love horror and scary stuff (yay) but happy endings are sweet especially if its a sapphic movie and neither of the characters die (a rare occurence)

any talents? uhh im a music girlie i can sing and play clarinet and piano and guitar, i can juggle as well :)

where were you born? yaurrr australia mate

what are your hobbies? making dumb yellowjackets edits for my tiktok, scrollinh tumblr, consuming as much yellowjackets media as possible

do you have any pets? YES a little border collie named Darby <3

how tall are you? i have no idea what it is in feet but im around 165 cm?? (apparantly thats around 5'5"

favorite subject in school? ive always been an english girlie but i also love love love music

dream job? film editor or musician!!

tagging: @johannamasonapologist @willascrochet @lottienatswife and literally anyone else who sees this, idm if you join!!! xx

[casuallyceltic]

15 Mutuals, 15 Questions

Tagged by @officialkarinuzumaki !

1.) Are you named after anyone?

Technically, yes. My mom saw a movie called "Shag" and the main character is named Carson. I also share a middle name with both my mom and my grandma.

2.) When was the last time you cried?

Yesterday morning. It gave me a wicked migraine which I'm currently in the ER for lol

3.) Do you have kids?

No. I don't think I will either unless I meet someone very special and important.

4.) Do you use sarcasm a lot?

No, never./s

Yes, ofc I do.

5.) What sports do you play/have you played?

I was a swimmer for over a decade and medaled in my region for backstroke.

6.) What's the first thing you notice about people?

Pre-pandamonium, it was people's teeth. Idk why but teeth lowkey creep me out/disgust me so ofc I'd zero in on that.

Currently, it's whether or not they're wearing a mask/comply with masking policies.

7.) What is your eye color?

Blue. When describing it, I've always likened it to the reflection of the water in the deep end of the pool.

8.) Scary movies or happy endings?

Scary movies! Idk what it is but I love being scared.

9.) Any special talents?

I can say the alphabet backwards and pick up anywhere in it (forwards or backwards) and keep going without having to say the whole thing, if that makes sense.

10.) Where were you born?

Madison, WI

11.) Any hobbies?

Drawing, crafting, D&D, I also like biking and hiking but I don't do them often.

12.) Do you have any pets?

Yes. Five cats; a calico named Callie, a snowshoe named Sunny, a black cat named Raymus, an orange cat named Darby, and another snowshoe named Ruex.

13.) How tall are you?

5'0" (152 cm)

14.) Favorite subject in school?

History and social studies in general.

15.) Dream job?

Something where I can sit at a desk and just type or sort files. I'd prefer not to make phone calls or answer phones often but I can do it once in a while.

I tag @thespeedycricket @britneyshakespeare @lavosse @sirquacklesdefoof @itsmewhorunsthistown @megane-tapir @kleinerosamaus @colored-tr-panels @gluten-free-pussy @pinsandweevils @crypolar @whypolar @whiskeyin-teacup @whats-a-michaelclifford @reiner69er

[fuzzyblanketcuddles]

I posted 12,774 times in 2022

9 posts created (0%)

12,765 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@surviving-andor-thriving

@unyanizedcatboys

@littlemartianbitch

@juicycloud

I tagged 631 of my posts in 2022

#ofmd - 57 posts

#more useless facts about me - 48 posts

#lol - 9 posts

#rhys darby - 5 posts

#🤣🤣🤣 - 5 posts

#david dastmalchian - 5 posts

#anyway - 5 posts

#prev tags - 4 posts

#abner krill - 4 posts

#listen - 4 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#(but like she wasnt robbing them because she was technically part of the family and had access to the accounts she just wasnt supposed to-)

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

abelia + edelweiss + taro

Abelia- do you have a particular piece of jewelry you always wear/can't part with?

There's a set of plain silver plated rings that used to be my grandma's. It's one of the only things we have left of her. Unfortunately my fingers tend to swell and I don't really wear them because of it.

Edelweiss- how do you think of your url? What's it associated with to you?

So it's actually a funny story. Back in highschool I had discovered the teenage love of wattpad and was obsessed with this show and I made it a big part of my username. Fastforward to like Jr year and I HATED my username because it was 'cringe' so I tried to find something more mature and I had seen people have user names like teabooksnmovies or something and I LOVED it. So here we are 🤷

Taro- if someone called you right now to catch up, what're the things you'd tell them?

Hmmmmmm I dont know really. I don't find anything in my life particularly interesting... I guess I'm working 2 jobs again, uh one of the girls I was BFFs with in highschool just got married so I got to see them all again... I'm going on 2 yrs working at the hospital now too...

2 notes - Posted July 7, 2022

#4

I've been at home sick the last 3 days and just got Paramount, and there are a bunch of good oldies on here, but I almost wish I could queue up episodes of different shows to run. Almost like the queue on YouTube, so when one ends a different episode of a different show plays, maybe throw in a movie here or there. Almost like cable TV, but you can set it up to run whatever you like with no commercials.

2 notes - Posted February 10, 2022

#3

20, 28, 49 for the ask game 💐🌹🥀🌺🌷

Thank you!! You picked some serious questions, lol.

20. What/who do you miss?

... probably my cousin Spencer. We grew up together and he was pretty much my everything. Was always there for me. Our family was fighting a lot when we were younger and I moved out of state so we lost touch. He's in the military now, might even be married too!

28. How are you really?

Haha, not great! But I will be eventually.

49. What does your last text say?

It's to my mom actually:

"Coolio, headed to lunch soon."

Thank you for the asks I really enjoy them!!!

2 notes - Posted January 15, 2022

#2

Ehem

3 notes - Posted January 6, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

a school subject your good with?

how many alarms do you have set?

do you shop at thrift stores?

what’s the meaning behind your url?

Oooo! Just saw this, thank you!!

1. I was always really good at math, surprisingly! I understood it quickly and it wasn't hard to learn.

2. 3, and that's on a good day, lol. The first one is to shock me awake a little early, I completely miss/ sleep through the second, and get up at the third!

3. Absolutely, I've shopped at thrift stores and garage sales my whole life! I love them so much!

4. Well whenever I had to made up a name for something, like a game, a story, kahoot, i would use a random word generator. And there was this one where you put in the name of a bunch of your favorite stuff and it mashes them together, so i put a bunch of different things that made me happy and this was the first one that i liked!

Thank you for the ask, I love love love doing these!

3 notes - Posted January 1, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[testimonyoflife]

Starting My Life

Hello Kings and Queens Photo by Aphiwat chuangchoem on Pexels.com I know when my mom had me she was staying with my Aunt Clara and the reason was because my Aunt Clara sister which is my grandma Betsie Thomas. She was giving my grandma a hard time. It started with skipping school my grandma out looking for her. Come to find out she was dating this older man name Johnny Darby aka Shooty. This…

[witchofthesouls]

Fic title idea! “I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one! But it’s fucking cons/cybertronians/primes!”

This has Grandma Darby all over it. Along with a Megatronus-Prime-is-the-Darby's-ancestor.

In one world, she is the Empress of a Thousand Faces, and in this world, she's ancient, retired alchemist.

June is her only remaining blood tie that she raised as a toddler since a lot of things happened. Like Grandma Darby had Done Things that led to the eventually separation of magic on Earth.

Of course, they get into contact with a Primal Artifact that cyberforms them, and now Grandma and June need to deal with their new bodies, more bullshit from the ghostly Prime that wants to know his nieces, deal with the mess left by battling Cybertronians because they're not that secretive as they think, and then Agent Fowler drags the Darbys into it since he figured out a hidden branch of "Special Forces" that's really the Liasion division of the Foundation.

Grandma Darby would like to reiterate that's she's a retired, blind, old woman who wants to concentrate on the remains of her family. Quintus, leave me alone!!

Meanwhile, Optimus is very confused by the conflicting energy by the Matrix. Well, that's Prima, and he wants to reestablish ties to his twin, Megatronus, and he isn't sure how to feel about his twin's living descendants.

[fkyumerica]

he was fred's neighbor

and fred inbred on his wives side

then his side

he put his wife on stilts

and his son is allen

and he mated with allen's wife after

and made her t-boz, in tlc with chili his wife

he had more than one wife the whole time

at one, his mom gave him three

to count out, and leave

adam sandler would rape you

and his wife would too

his inbred grandma, he inbred with

and thats their club

get in it

no mary, you

so she did, with adam sandler

then he was adam bell

he would stay in the corner house a block over as 'mary-ette'

then that whole block he whores people

of different races

he was sue's sister

taking her at one made his mom want a son

to hit him and bring her back

and he slept with his sister anyways, sue

sue married fred, first one on stilts, to leave, his idea

and his mom married him too, to keep him that, and used him

for gay sex too, and other things

now they finally kill?

the older leon who broke in and raped me

he would tell anyone to go in and rape anyone

and that its allowed

and he allowed it

no allowence or jobs, you're us

and i say it at the job too

she applied

no no good

and adam sandler's mom walkning around is lindita

adam sandler is darby/ovetchkin

he is logan paul's dad

and jake paul's dad, he cheated on her while she was carrying the baby

each time too, and after

she is the marge in the video

sue after too, or the second fred got

and the last one fred got, katie, to be dan after

now grandma came over to HEHHH fuck me on the mouth

wanted to put her mouth on my mouth

and that is black her as madeya

diary of a black woman

black was that, old gays, crypto

and he fucks his kids, they wanted it

their parents will always want them to be gay

then fred fucked angela

her dad is adam sandler

who didnt give a shit about her

and told her to rob people

and agnes did too

did she give a shit about you

no

no one did

about anyone

now what

leave emily

her kid

she had with adam sandler

[secret-wrestling-blog]

2023 Tumblr Top 10

1. 211 notes - May 25 2023

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3. 190 notes - May 3 2023

4. 40 notes - Apr 13 2023

5. 28 notes - Jul 11 2023

6. 22 notes - Jul 5 2023

7. 18 notes - Jun 29 2023

8. 12 notes - Aug 31 2023

okay so i cried again about wrestling this evening. there's guys that i've been fans of for so long (like in a grandma indy snob...

9. 12 notes - Aug 20 2023

i can't believe christian took the tnt title and pspspsps'd darby with it like he's a fuckin' catboy.

10. 5 notes - Apr 13 2023

Created by TumblrTop10

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #603

Top Ten Flight of the Conchords Songs

Once more I’m turning my ear to the world of music, and once more I’m listing my favourite songs by a band or artist or whatever. And I guess that’s all there is to it. It’s not a complicated one.

So, Flight of the Conchords; like many people I came across them with their musical sitcom about a million years ago; which, as well as introducing us to vast swathes of their delightful and hilarious back catalogue, also introduced us to Rhys Darby, and for that we must always be grateful. It’s kind of funny to think of this funny, quirky little show, with its mumblecore dialogue and odd parodic songs, starring a bunch of unknown New Zealanders, would spawn Hollywood actors, a major director, and an Oscar winner; it’s a bit like Spaced, in that you have to keep reminding yourself how far these guys have come, and also that the talent was there right from the beginning.

Anyway, Jermaine and Bret have been likeable and adorable and prodigiously talented right from the off. Unlike other musical comedy acts such as Tenacious D, they don’t focus on one genre or style, or even really have a defined motif to their music; and unlike someone such as Weird Al, they don’t quite have the vast range or such specific song parodies. They play, mostly, folk tinged with rock or electronica, and the humour comes largely from the subjects and the lyrics. They “do” a few Bowie-inspired numbers, as well as some hip hop parody, and arguably the greatest Pet Shop Boys riff in the whole world; but really what I love about them is they’re just so loveable.

There are some frankly hilarious lyrics and gags here, really terrific bits of musicality that I come back to over and over. And that’s about it, really; like Kiwi versions of Bill Bailey, there’s something just generally nice about them and their songs, even if they’re singing about robots killing humanity. There’s a cheery self-deprecating patheticness to most of their songs, even when they’re singing in character; it makes them unthreatening, likeable underdogs who you want to root for despite everything. And, of course, this belies the songwriting talent on display; not just their ability to write great jokes or parody different genres and artists, but just their overall musical talent as songwriters and artists. These are great songs.

Anyway, enough waffle, let’s sing.

Inner City Pressure: a fantastic tone-perfect Pet Shop Boys parody, so much so that it’s kind of ruined Pet Shop Boys for me a tiny bit. There’s so much to enjoy in the bonkers, surreal vision of sorrowful inner city life, but for me it’s the fact that they manage to get “concert flautist” into a rhyme that seals the deal.

Think About It: another song ostensibly about how crap things are right now, but on a global scale. Its good-hearted but wrong-headed summation of the ills of the world are a comic delight – “why are we paying so much for sneakers when they’re made by little slave kids?” – although my favourite refrain remains “would someone please remove these cutleries from my knees”. Needs no explanation. Perhaps.

Bowie: another utterly brilliant evocation of an act, this time slaloming its way through Bowie’s entire oeuvre. There are nods to about a dozen Bowie songs here, and McKenzie and Clement do absolutely spot-on impersonations of the great man himself (which is probably why Clement was asked to play “Bowie, but a giant crab” in Moana a few years later). Gets away with calling Bowie a “filthy old bastard”, which I kinda think he’d have liked.

Hiphopapotamus versus Rhymenoceros: a sublime hip hop parody that is equal parts childish word game and surreal delight. The inventiveness not just of the lyrics, but also the overall comedy antics of the song (“My lyrics are bottomless,” he says, before being unable to think of the next line). Segueing for no good reason into a discussion of having tea with grandma, the overall silliness of the song masks the fact they are actually pretty good at hip hop.

Sugarlumps: sort of a weird inverse of Milkshake or My Humps but much dafter and about a part of the male anatomy that I doubt anyone really thinks of as being a source of attraction. The utter randomness of its subject matter is one thing, but McKenzie’s sublime interjection (“you get two complimentary after dinner mints”) makes it art.

Too Many Dicks on the Dance Floor: a really catchy beat is one thing – “too many dicks, too many dicks” – this is a fast-spoken dancefloor number that also boasts a neat line in wordplay, something the Conchords excel at. “Skedaddle with the cattle prods” is, frankly, a line of genius, but even it pales next to “Too much time on too many hands/Not enough ladies too many mans”.

If You’re Into It: a beautiful and tender ballad – albeit a bouncy up-tempo one – to mutual consent in a relationship, this is a song that needs to be lauded and applauded. Exploring the nuances of an early relationship, testing boundaries and being upright and frank in a discussion of what you want and what you’re comfortable with. That very quickly descends into weird fruit stuff and bringing in roommates. A sheer comedic joy.

Carol Brown: I knew this as the “Choir of Ex-Girlfriends” song and had mostly forgotten it till giving it a re-listen, when its subtleties and humour bubbled right up. A weird comedic version of songs like Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover, it’s just as random and filled with beautiful wordplay as most other Conchords songs. From “Lisa got amnesia” to “Bruce turned out to be a man” and the icing on the cake, the actual choir of ex-girlfriends interjecting (“This guy is a fool”).  

The Most Beautiful Girl (in the Room): often their songs juxtapose a series tone or subject matter with actual lyrics that undercut the seriousness to humorous effect, and that’s the case here. Ostensibly a love song about a beautiful girl, the various and increasing qualifications make it truly hilarious. Some are just fantastic pieces of imagery (“You’re so beautiful/You could be an air hostess in the sixties”), and some are just damn good gags (“You could be a part-time model/But you’d probably still have to keep your normal job”).

Business Time: a sexy Barry White-esque number about, well, business time, this is another one of those that marries serious intent (sexytime sex song) with undercutting self-deprecating patheticness. Whether it’s references to keeping your socks on (“business socks”) or doing the recycling, the whole thing is a delight, although for me it’s the refence to “that ugly baggy t-shirt” that for some reason I find hilarious. Anyway, it’s great.

[apartmentofdark]

because darby allin killed my grandma okay