#halfway almost want to blergh

[millkyyo]

Trying my goddamn best to not feel queasy after watching this one horror movie with my friends

[thejakeformerlyknownasprince]

Do you have a favorite alien design?

I’m inclined to say either the hork-bajir or the taxxons, for basically the same reason.  The descriptions of both are scary — for hork-bajir because they can kill so easily, for taxxons because they inspire such strong “blergh” — but in both cases the appearance is deceiving.  Those designs justify the kids’ initial horrified and hateful reactions, but they also set up the kids’ discovery that they’re wrong to be horrified and hateful.  The hork-bajir are peaceful tree-herders who like bark and home-building and music.  The taxxons just want shelter and food and safety, for one another as well as themselves.

But we also see why it takes both the Animorphs themselves and a lot of supporting characters (Elfangor, Aldrea, Arbron) so long to warm up to those aliens.  Because they really do look scary.  But most of the time they’re just, well, people.  Flawed and graced and violent and loving.

And it plays out the ongoing motif in Animorphs that the harmless-looking beings are often the scariest monsters, and the monstrous-looking ones are often sweethearts.  Both Visser One and Visser Three are described as creating an initial impression of being “delicate,” and both have relatively small hosts.  Eva gets described as “pretty” and “petite” (#30) even while Visser One is using her body to annihilate leerans and enslave her own children.  Alloran gets described as “almost dainty” (#44) about ten seconds before Visser Three turns him into a giant hellbeast and starts eating people alive.  The yeerks themselves are just squishy balls of goo that look like goldfish (MM1) or chewing gum (#5) or harmless little snails (#53).  For most people, “slug” is about the least-threatening Earth animal an alien could resemble, because they’re known for being tiny and slow-moving and even easier to kill accidentally than snails or worms.

But this is a series where sometimes birds are boys who are also halfway andalites (#23).  Where gender gets decided on impulse (#4) and flipped around as the situation calls for it (#43, #51).  Where the villains aren’t the harmless kid down the hall or the harmless slug, but the set of circumstances that results when that suddenly-very-harmful slug gets into that kid’s brain.  Where hork-bajir-controllers are monstrous, but not because of the hork-bajir or even because of anything inherently built into the yeerks.

Appearances are meaningless in Animorphs.  Who you are is what you do.  And I do really love that pretty much all of the alien designs reflect that fact.

[aurumacadicus]

Can you share something cheerful from the monster au??

Tony arrived home with several buckets of cooling theater popcorn and almost as many two-liters of soda. “Help me bring these in if you want them!” he called out, struggling with a bag filled with boxes of Twizzlers and Raisinets.

Bucky appeared in the door, shoving Steve off of him. “You’re not gonna be able to help.”

“But I can!” Steve whined, before letting out a startled ‘blergh?!’ as the Hulk grabbed him and set him aside so he could take several of the bags Bucky handed him.

“Steve, you’ve got three broken ribs. You can’t help,” Tony said gently.

“WELL MAYBE IF CLINT HADN’T THROWN ME SO FAR,” Steve began indignantly.

Tony set a single two-liter of root beer in his arms like a baby. “Here, Steve.”

“You’re patronizing me,” Steve sniffed, still clearly annoyed, but he did cradle the root beer and turn to gingerly carry it into the mansion.

“Fucking dumb ass is deliberately forgetting that he told Clint to throw him as far as he could just to see how far it was,” Bucky muttered, but he was smiling a little.

“Did you get extra butter?” Natasha asked from the ceiling as Tony stepped inside. She followed him as he began toward the theater room. “Tony. I want extra butter.”

“The buckets with extra butter are marked,” Tony replied.

“I can’t read.”

“When we get settled, I’ll give you a bucket.”

“Hmm,” Natasha agreed, and skittered on ahead of him. “If you don’t share that ginger ale with me, I’m going to eat your face.”

“Not if I eat yours first!” Clint snapped back.

“I got two,” Tony said, and Loki drew out another two-liter of ginger ale and passed it up to Natasha.

Natasha took it and delicately flipped down onto the ground. The soda probably wouldn’t even fizz when she opened it. Clint smugly tucked his wing around Sam, talons wrapped around his own two-liter.

Tony fussed over making sure everyone had the proper bucket(s) of popcorn and sodas and candy until Bucky grabbed him by the belt and tugged him down onto the couch. “Ack!”

“We’re big monsters, Tony,” Steve said, patting Tony’s knee, and offered him some of his root beer. “If we want more popcorn or candy, we can grab it ourselves.”

Tony grumbled petulantly but eventually reached out to grab a handful of Raisinets from the box Bucky was holding. “What did you guys decide on watching, anyhow?”

“We agreed on a double feature of Snow White and Robin Hood,” Steve replied.

“Saps,” Tony said idly, but relaxed between the two monsters.

Bucky fell asleep halfway through Snow White, muzzle slowly sliding down Tony’s chest until it settled in his lap. Tony ran his palm over the lupine monster’s head, one slow stroke after another.

“Who were you calling saps,” Natasha asked smugly after the movies were over and JARVIS brought the lights up to show that Steve had also fallen asleep, sprawling along the couch and Tony’s lap, head pressed to Bucky’s.

“Still you for choosing kids’ movies,” Tony retorted. He smiled down at Steve and Bucky shyly. “But maybe I’m a little bit of a sap, too.”

“Maybe,” Sam scoffed. “You’re the sappiest of all.”

Tony tilted his head, conceding. “I mean. Wouldn’t I have to be, to let you all stay here.”

The monsters stared at him for a moment before muttering amongst themselves and slipping out of the room.

Well, except for Clint. “Are you a fucking idiot, they want time alone,” Sam hissed, tugging at him ineffectually.

“I’m comfy,” Clint complained.

Tony settled back into his seat. “So am I.”

Clint immediately changed his mind, spreading his wings as he hopped out of the room. “Gross. Affection. I’m leaving.”

“We cuddle all the time!” Sam exclaimed, exasperated, as he followed him.

Tony waited until they were gone before leaning down and pressing a kiss to both Bucky and Steve’s heads.

[jstonedd]

Otonokizaka Private Academy

Final Chapter

Note: I’m really sorry I never got around to finish it, so I’m finally posting the rest of what I’ve written. It would have been the first part of the next chapter, which coincidentally would have also been the last chapter plot-wise. I might have thrown in some other twist if I wanted to go longer, but I think it’s also nice to conclude on a calmer note. With that being said, I hope you enjoy the last bit of this AU. It’s been an honor to write for you guys because you gave me so much back, not just kind asks but also fanart and funny headcanons. 

Summary: Nozomi thinks she can finally get used to her new school.

Words: ~4300

 “Have you seen Honoka?” Kotori asked after taking her seat at the lunch table, looking around for her missing friends. “She stormed out of the classroom the second the bell rang.”

“Some bakery nearby is selling some limited edition bread,” Nico answered distractedly as she struggled to eat her lobster without using her fingers. Nozomi watched her in suspense, ducking in time when a severed lobster leg came flying her way. “Whoops, sorry.”  

Kotori carefully scooted her chair away from Nico. “Will she be back in time for class?”

“Who cares,” Nico grumbled, immersed in her task of eating her seafood without dirtying herself, “I’d take any reason to miss class. Like Hanayo. Calling in sick because she’s traveling halfway across the world just to see a concert, can you believe that? And she asked Rin to tag along instead of me even though Rin doesn’t even know the band!”

“Well, did you give Hanayo any hints that you would be interested in going with her?”

Nico paused in her movements. “No.”

Nozomi and Kotori shared an amused look. “Maybe you need to communicate your feelings to get them across as most people are not mind readers.”

“Blergh,” Nico let out in disgust, sticking out a tongue. “I communicate just fine.”

“I beg to differ,” a voice behind her spoke up.

Kotori, Nozomi and Nico turned their heads to the person who sat down at their table without waiting for an invite. “What? Don’t you agree?”

“Maki,” Kotori greeted with a nod, the first one to recover from her surprise. “I do think that Nico could sometimes express herself better. But are you really in a position to point that out? Something about throwing rocks within a glasshouse?”

Maki ran a hand through her hair to mask her tension, giving Kotori a stiff smile. “Ah you know me, never minded a little self-destruction.”

“That I already knew. But hey, self-awareness is the first healing step,” Nico said with a snort. She eyed Maki with a mixed expression. “Not that I want you gone or anything, but why are you sitting here?”

“Hm?” Maki stole a calamari ring off Nico’s plate and dipped it in a sauce that was on Nozomi’s plate. “What, am I not allowed to sit wherever I want? Besides, Eli and Umi were talking about boring business stuff.”

When Maki reached for another calamari, Nico slapped her hand away. “First of all, mine. Second of all, what’s the real reason?”

“Saw you wrestling with that lobster. And while you’re getting beat by dead seafood, your perfectly fine calamari rings are getting cold and I really can’t stand for that.”

As if on cue, Maki lifted her left hand and snapped with her fingers in front of Nico’s face to distract her long enough to extract a few more calamari rings with her right hand. Bevor Nico could let out an indignant shout, Maki’s mouth was already filled with her stolen food.

“Oh my god, you’re so disgusting,” Nico groaned.

“Thank you, I’m trying to fit in with you,” Maki said, her full mouth still chewing.  

“Wow, aren’t we charming today,” Nico sighed, rolling her eyes. “Just spill it already. Why are you here?”

“Is it so hard to believe that sometimes I feel like socializing?” Maki asked after forcefully swallowing her food down.

She was met with silence and blank looks.

“Yeah, I also wonder how I managed to say that without choking,” Maki muttered with a grimace. “Fine. I’m here because I want to be here. Happy?”

“Not until I earn my first music award, but that’s another question for that matter.” Nico turned to Kotori and Nozomi. “Question: Why is she here? Please discuss.”

“Really?” Maki raised an eyebrow. “You’re making a talk show out of this now?”

“The audience is not permitted to participate,” Nico cut her off. “Nozomi, your opinion?”

Maki waved her hand in front of Nico’s face. “Hello, I’m right here?”

“Nozomi,” Nico repeated in a louder voice, ignoring Maki entirely.

“Um,” Nozomi wanted to laugh over Nico’s and Maki’s serious and incredulous expression, respectively. “Well, if she’s feeling excluded from the business talks, then it’s understandable she would search for attention from somewhere else...”

“Hm, does sound reasonable…we’ll keep that in mind.”

“Reasonable your ass!”

“Kotori, your opinion?”

“Kotori, come on, I know you’re better than this,” Maki said in an almost pleading voice.

Kotori let out a thoughtful hum before a grin appeared on her face. “Isn’t it obvious? She’s here for one reason only.” And she directed her growing smile at Nico, who blinked cluelessly for a few times before slowly turning to Maki with a wide opened mouth.

Maki uncomfortably avoided Nico’s questioning gaze. “Like I said, calamari rings were getting cold.”

“Are you sure?” Nico asked in a half-serious, half-teasing manner. “Only here for the food on my plate?”

Clearing her throat and still avoiding knowing glances from three smug people, Maki added curtly, “And perhaps unfortunately also for the person incapable of finishing the food on the plate.”

“Wow. That’s the most roundabout way someone’s ever talked about me.” Nico tilted her head. “I’m not sure if I should be pleased or annoyed…it feels like I always have to make that decision every two seconds when I’m with you.”

“Well, I would have suggested a coin toss if you’re so obsessed with it, but I’m too rich to carry any loose change on me.”                                                             

“And now I’m annoyed.”

“See, decision made. Always a pleasure to help.” And Maki mockingly imitated a polite bow.

“So,” Kotori decided to interfere when she saw Nico’s hand grabbing her knife a little too tightly, “I’m so glad Maki decided to join us. Makes everything livelier.”  

“Are you certain? Because I’m pretty sure someone’s going to die…” Nico growled.

“Well, seeing that my next class is math, I sure hope it’s me,” Maki said, rubbing her eyes.

“I can help you with that-“

“Stop it!”

Startled, everyone at the table looked to Kotori, who looked just as surprised about her own outburst. But as seconds passed by, she remembered what had made her exclaim in frustration in the first place.

“Nico, put the knife down. Nozomi, take all cutlery out of her vicinity. And Maki…” Kotori’s voice softened. “When were you going to tell me that you’ve taken a sudden liking to seafood?”

Maki stiffened. Her eyes were fixated on a point in front of her. Finally, after seconds of no reaction at all, she threw up her hands. “Fine. Yes, I sat down here because of Nico. She thought I didn’t want to be seen with her in public and I should feel pissed that she thinks that I care about that at all, but I get it. I’m not easy to read and if someone ever figures me out, I’d like the first copy of that manual, please and thank you.”

She released a long sigh and tiredly gazed at Nico. “So here I am. Trying to do…well, something. I’m not sure exactly what but it’s better than nothing, right?”

Maki helplessly shrugged, keeping her eyes focused on the table to avoid Nico’s softening gaze.

“Now was that so hard to admit?” Kotori gently asked.

“Terrifyingly so.” Maki’s fingers nervously tapped on the table. “How do you guys do this scary crap? Sharing feelings and stuff. What a suicide mission.”

“It’s called trust,” Kotori answered quietly. She gave Maki a soft smile. “You trust the other person not to use your feelings against you.”

Upon seeing Maki’s skeptical grimace, Nico added, “Or in your case, you trust the other person not to use your secrets against you.”

Leaning back, Maki observed the other three sitting at the table. “And how do I know when to trust someone?”

She looked into a round of solemn faces until Kotori softly replied, “You don’t. You’ll just have to take their word for it and hope they meant it.”

Maki scoffed through her teeth. “Tch. And that’s how you get hurt.” By Umi, she almost added but bit her own tongue. She was blunt, not cruel. She knew that Kotori had been talking about her own situation when she had answered.

“Maybe,” Kotori admitted with a weak smile, “but isn’t it lonely when you never share anything with anyone?”

“How does that make me lonely?” Maki asked, incredulous.  

“Because no one will know a thing about you,” Nico answered instead, sober eyes searching for Maki’s. “You’ll just be that one rich brat with trust issues, but guess what, this school’s full of them, so you’ll be quickly forgotten. If it weren’t for your last name, you’d blend right in with no personality of your own. Because you never share anything about you. So no one will ever know anything about you.”

Maki’s expression contorted into a scowl. “And shouting all my secrets out to the world will make it better? Have you ever thought that maybe not knowing a damn thing about me is better than knowing all the garbage about me?”    

“I know all your garbage and I’m still here,” Nico countered without hesitation. “So are Nozomi and Kotori.”

Falling silent, Maki lowered her gaze. She leaned back in her seat and crossed her arms.

“Do you think we don’t have any baggage of our own? We have loads of them and we’d be crushed by them if we had to shoulder that alone.” Nico turned to Nozomi and Kotori with a smile. “That’s why we need friends.” She looked at Maki again with a more serious expression. “That’s why you need to accept that we’re your friends. The kind that doesn’t care about your money or your name. The kind that you can trust.”

Maki uncrossed her arms, running a hand through her hair. She sighed. “I guess I could’ve ended up with worse.” She mustered up a lop-sided smile. “But then again, the only friendships I can compare this to is with Eli and Umi, and they’re not really setting high standards.”

“They don’t even trust themselves.” Nico chuckled without humor. “You can’t help them until they figure out who they want to be.”

“Well,” Maki’s smirk faded, “to their defense, that’s not exactly an easy thing to figure out on your own. I would know.”

“And how did you figure it out?”

Maki closed her mouth, eyes flickering to Nico, Nozomi and Kotori before they settled back on Nozomi. “When Tojo said she wanted to be my friend.”

Nozomi’s eyes widened and her cheeks turned red when she felt all eyes on her. “Why?”

“Because you said it so naturally,” Maki said with a frown. “You said it like being my friend was something you honestly wanted. Like I was someone that people would want to be friends with. And at first I thought you were crazy. Like, it really made me want to laugh that someone would suggest that.”

Before hurt could sneak onto Nozomi’s expression, Maki quickly continued, “But it wasn’t that. I think I was just…” A grimace appeared on her face as if saying the next few words gave her physical pain. “I guess I was happy. And that’s how I figured it out. I wanted to be someone that people would actually want to be around with. For more than just the money and name.”

Nozomi shared a quick glance with Kotori and Nico, and the latter one smiled gratefully.

“I’m glad I could help you.”

“Yeah,” Maki breathed out, one corner of her mouth curling up. “You proved to me that there are actually people who help because they care about the person. I really didn’t believe it before.”

Nozomi’s smile was tinged with sadness. She wanted to reply with ‘I’m sorry no one helped you believe it earlier’, but she swallowed her words.  

“You’ve got to share some of that special power of yours with us, Nozomi,” Nico said jokingly. “We’d be unstoppable.”

Kotori smiled at Nozomi. “Something tells me she already is an unstoppable force all on her own.”

And Nozomi ducked her head with an embarrassed smile. How she wished that this was true.

   Nozomi didn’t understand why she was nervous. It was just a door she had to open, just a door that she had frequently opened in the past month and even back then, when she had been afraid of the person waiting on the other side of the door, hadn’t she been as nervous as now.

“Ah, Miss Tojo,” and Nozomi flinched in shock. She turned around and stumbled a step back when she found herself staring up at Principal Minami’s kind face.

“Director!” Nozomi stuttered, her nervousness rising.

“I was wondering when you were going to open that door,” the principal said with a chuckle, nodding to the door to the student council room. “Judging from your hesitation to enter, I assume you don’t want to continue being in the student council –  but I could be wrong of course.”

“Actually,” Nozomi began quietly, “I do want to keep my position as the vice president.”

To Nozomi’s slight annoyance, the older woman didn’t look surprised at all at her answer, merely smiling back with a knowing grin. “Then I’m glad I assumed wrong. I believe Miss Ayase is already informed of that decision?”

Nozomi nodded.

“Then what are you waiting for? Let’s head inside,” the principal said and opened the door, entering the room first. Nozomi followed her, seeing Eli quickly stand up and bow in respect for Principal Minami.

“Excuse me for intruding,” Minami said with a nod, “as you know, Miss Ayase, our latest vice president has been with us for a month now. I only came to ask if that is an arrangement you both want to keep.”

Eli briefly glanced at Nozomi, who mustered up a nervous smile. Then she turned to the principal. “I’m sorry, Director, but I can’t accept this arrangement. Tojo is not suited to be the vice president.”

Both Nozomi and the principal were silenced in shock. Nozomi felt her heart constricting as she stared with wide eyes at Eli, wondering what was going on inside of that head. How could she reject her in front of Director Minami when they had already talked about keeping the arrangement? Why did Eli try to shut her out again when Eli had been the one to ask Nozomi if she would come back?

“Oh,” Minami slowly said, scanning Eli’s hard expression. “Are you sure? Maybe if you give Miss Tojo an explanation on what she could have done better, she could work on improving them.”

Eli’s jaw tensed. “It’s not her fault. I simply don’t think she should be in the student council.”

“Why?” Nozomi blurted out in anger, not caring if she seemed inelegant or emotional in front of the principal. “You wanted me to come back, didn’t you? Why are you doing this now, why are you pushing me away again?”

“Tojo,” Eli muttered through gritted teeth, glancing at the principal, “not now.”

“I do believe that there is no better time than now,” Minami said, walking towards the door. “I will leave you two to talk it out. By the end of the week, I want a definite answer.” Before she pulled the door shut, she concluded with a smile, “And I won’t accept an answer that is not a hundred percent genuine.”

The door was shut and left the two third years in silence.

“Why…” Nozomi weakly muttered. She was tired, so tired of always being the only one who made an effort to get through to the other person. And each time she thought she had gotten somewhere, Eli would move further out of reach.

Eli’s hard mask crumbled. Her features softened, showing the strained look in her eyes. “When I asked you to come back, I was only thinking of myself. Only thinking about what I wanted.”

“But I agreed, don’t you remember? Because I wanted to come back too,” Nozomi replied in exasperation. “Please, don’t lie to me anymore, Eli. I need the truth.”  

Eli clenched her fists. “As…as you probably know by now, I’m not the most popular person around here. I used to blame it on my last name but the truth is, I’ve made a lot of enemies myself. And the predecessors of your position belong to that group.”

Nozomi swallowed nervously when she was reminded of the unpleasant group of former vice presidents. But she still didn’t understand what Eli could be worried of, she was untouchable, wasn’t she?

“None of the previous vice presidents lasted long because I personally made sure of that. How well do you think they’re going to take the news if I let you stay? You, who came to this school just months ago, who has had no connection to anyone in our world before. A nobody to them.”

It stung, being called a nobody. Nozomi swallowed to get rid of the lump in her throat.

“Pride can be a very ugly thing, especially if you grew up privileged. And I know the lengths some people will go to restore it,” Eli said lowly, grinding her teeth. “I know because I am one of those people.”

Nozomi took one hesitant step towards Eli. “You…is that why you changed your mind about me staying in the student council?”

Eli didn’t look up. “I shouldn’t have agreed in the first place. It was arrogant of me to assume that I could live on without bearing any consequences of the things I’ve done.”

“Eli,” Nozomi whispered, getting a flinch as a reaction, “are you – are you afraid?”

“Of them? They wish,” Eli hissed, starting to recklessly pace around, “I know they can’t do anything to me. And they know that it will backfire if I can trace it back to them. Why do you think did the badminton club just accept the budget cut without complaining directly to us?”

“If they can’t do anything to you, then what are you afraid -,” Nozomi didn’t finish her sentence when she suddenly realized what it was really about. She put a hand on her forehead, wondering how she could be blind. “You think they’re going to target me.”

Eli stopped pacing, staring at the ground. “I can’t always be around you.”

“And I don’t need you to be,” Nozomi replied heatedly, walking over to Eli. “I’m not afraid of them.”

Eli slowly looked up, her eyes finding Nozomi’s. “I know you aren’t,” she whispered, her voice weak, “but I made your life hard enough. I don’t…I just don’t want to be responsible anymore for any pain you feel…” She stared at her trembling right hand, closing and opening her fingers. “I don’t want to be that kind of person anymore. The kind of person who hurts people because they themselves can’t feel anything.”

“Eli,” Nozomi breathed, taking Eli’s trembling hand and holding it close to her chest. “It’s not your fault if they choose to target me, they are the ones responsible for their own actions.”

“You don’t understand, the only reason they would target you is because of me,” Eli tried pulling her hand out of Nozomi’s grasp, but the other girl didn’t let go.

“Then let them come,” Nozomi said firmly, “I’m not scared.”

“But I am!” Eli burst out shouting, managing to step away from Nozomi. Her loose bangs fell into her eyes, her gaze wild as she stared at Nozomi like an animal trapped in a corner. “I – I can’t take it, I can’t stand the thought of you starting to regret everything, of you starting to hate me because of them. To them, you might be a nobody, but to me, you’re –“ Eli clenched her teeth shut.

Nozomi closed the distance between them again and before Eli could react, Nozomi threw her arms around her shoulder and hugged her, pulling her in until there was no space left between their bodies. “Eli,” she whispered into the blonde’s ear, “don’t you know that I’m just a fool who cares too much?”

END.

AN: It hasn’t been an easy ride and I thank everyone who participated at some point or another. I’m sorry if I’ve let you down with this ending, which isn’t really an ending just a point where I stopped writing because I didn’t know what to type anymore. I used to be a chronic ‘not finishing a story’ type of author and I’m still amazed that I managed to write Buy Your Love or Soldier Wars, so it really kills me that I couldn’t give OPA the ending it deserves. 

Long story short, the love live fandom has been really kind to me and it was really the best platform for my stories so far, so thank you for everything. Hope I’ll see some of you in another fandom or whereever it takes me

[princessmelina]

Wow after posting this and glancing at the length of it I realize... I should really go sleep now, and who knows what I’ll think when I reread this tomorrow

It’s been... at least 2 months, maybe almost 3, since I had that bout of eating so much I made myself feel awful and then not eating the next meal because I was still so dang full at least twice a week for a few weeks. After I came back from visiting my parents in Oregon and started up with a personal trainer (mainly to increase my strength but also to see if I could get any use from tips on how to eat more like a normal person), between that and karate I seemed to be doing alright, managing my eating well enough, mostly back to just overeating (not to the point of feeling blergh though) on the weekends when hanging out with friends.

But of course I just had to feel overwhelmed enough this week I broke and overate yesterday and today during lunch, so much I felt ugh the rest of the day and couldn’t (or wouldn’t?) eat dinner. But added fun this time, I’ve slept most of the past 2 days away (I sleep more than a person probably should anyway but wow this has been a lot of naptime even for me). And the universe might just be trying to tell me something since in the past few days, two completely separate people I follow reblogged the exact same post that talks about depression meals not just being eating not enough but eating too much too.

Which, okay, probably should have guessed before but I don’t know what triggered it those few months ago and I thought it was just my usual food struggles where I love the taste of everything too much and always want to eat and dealing with all that is tiring enough. But this week I get it. Tried to cheer myself up with my accomplishment on Thursday where my personal trainer got me farther than I expected on my handstand progress but that still didn’t quite work.

Buying a house is awful and stressful and I’m so grateful for everything my family is doing to help me (my mom especially, and also my dad and uncle) but I also wish they could just be here to do it for me because I am not adult enough for this! I don’t know what I’m doing! I keep trying to tell that to my mom and uncle because they don’t want to like, barge in on my business or whatever and I’m like please! Take over even! But at the same time I’m also hesitant to ask them for help even though I shouldn’t be because I don’t want to bother them and I feel like I should be handling things more myself. But almost every step of the process so far, every time I send my mom and update of what I’ve done she’s like, oh no, you should have talked with us before you did that. Not because I’m messing up super hugely but I’m still kinda messing up minor things that could add up to be bad for me and she just wants to make sure I get the best deal out of this situation.

This is why I hate being nicknamed the “golden child”, no matter how much anyone might be joking when they say it. I barely ever know what I’m doing, I just seem like I do. I’m just good at not outwardly panicking. But I feel like my whole life - and I keep trying to explain this to my parents but I think they still might not quite get it - almost every decision I make, especially major ones, is made because I’m too afraid of the other options. Get good grades in school? Gotta make sure it happens because what if I don’t get into a good enough college otherwise. Go straight to university after high school instead of taking a year off or going to community college or something? Gotta make sure I do that because I don’t want to lose that in-state scholarship from those tests or whatever and going in-state is easier because then I don’t have to work too hard to find housing or transportation or whatever, I just live with my parents. Parents and sister are moving to Oregon halfway through my college years? I’m gonna stay here in AZ because I know everyone here already and I won’t have to try to make new friends and I can even stay with my grandma who needs a roommate. Move in with my friend after I graduate? Might as well and she’s even doing most of the work, her and her mom, finding us an awesome apartment to live in - and I want to hang out with friends more and feel bad inviting them over to my grandma’s where even if we bother her she’d be too nice to say anything. Take a job at the bakery my friend works at? I need the money and no one else is hiring and they love my friend and now me as well thanks to her. And so on and so forth up to buying this house.

I hate living alone but I don’t think I’m strong enough to live with anyone else still (my sister lived with me for a year after she came back to AZ from Oregon because she missed friends/family here and probably other reasons too, and now it’s been a little over a year since she moved a few blocks away to go live in a house with 6 other friends, and I’m still a little devastated that we couldn’t make it work because if I can’t live in a house with my own sister who I lived with all our lives except for the few years she lived in Oregon, who can I live with where we won’t somehow both get on each other’s nerves?), so I really want a dog (have for a long time anyway but now I’m longing even more for that companionship and thinking of our family dog a lot and how great he was). But this house setup isn’t that great for a dog, especially a big one like I want, and the backyard still has debris and stuff from my uncle’s projects... so logically, let’s buy a house!! (Because I can’t rent because almost nowhere will allow you to keep a big dog, and definitely not a pitbull/pit mix like I’d probably get because that’s what our family dog was and that’s what mostly fills the shelter.)

And also there was that whole thing with the drunk/high guy getting in a couple years ago (okay I shouldn’t have opened the door at like 5am when I wasn’t sure of who it was but normally I know better and plus my cousins and sister were sleeping over at the time... it’s a long story you can ask if you wanna know) and then a few weeks before I visited Oregon this year my door getting kicked in (no one got in but this time I was alone and man! does your body get tense when you hear that bang so early in the morning and it’s just you, your phone, and your knife as you wonder if you’re gonna have to battle someone while in your pajammies - again. also another story too long for this but ask if you feel like it). I don’t even live in a bad neighborhood, it’s like half families and half college kids who don’t even throw loud parties or anything. How do I attract these things???

Anyway everyone I tell that I’m buying a house is so excited and/or proud of me. Megan, you’re 25 and buying a house what a great accomplishment, especially at your age! So responsible! So good with her money! And I smile and nod and in the moment maybe even get a little excited myself because yeah, how cool is that, me having my own whole house that is all mine? And I can have my dog now!! But then I think about how I’ll have to deal with anything that goes wrong rather than asking my landlord uncle, and it’s just so dang much money what happens if I lose this job or something? And how the heck do I think I can take care of a dog when I’m barely managing to take care of myself from moment to moment????

So there’s all that in my head pretty much constantly for a couple months, intensifying after my offer got accepted on this house at the beginning of October. Then last week I have a party and invite a bunch of friends, even a couple that I don’t see as often as some of the others and are like, sort of different circles but not exactly? I dunno. But it was a little strange, not necessarily in a bad way, because almost everyone was split into couples except for me and one of my closest friends (and her sister but I think her sister isn’t quite as... longing for a romantic relationship as we are, or if she is we don’t talk about it the same haha). And that friend and I both felt it I think, wishing more than usual to have a romantic partner of our own (although out of the four “couples” it was really only my sister and her boyfriend together, and my other friend that has a boyfriend it’s long-distance but they text a lot (it’s so cute, he better be good to her or I will travel to his country and punch him if need be) but anyway) so that didn’t help my thoughts this week, even though that stuff’s always in the back of my mind anyway it was pestering me more.

But even worse than that, I’ve been wondering if I kinda messed up my sister’s boyfriend’s visit for her, he lives in California and was visiting for the weekend. And I know she wanted to spend more alone time with him but I convinced them them to come to the Voltron party anyway (it was basically an all-day thing) though I didn’t expect them to stay the whole time, and it’s not like I forced them to stay at my house, but still... I feel like I was being kinda selfish ‘cause I really wanted them to hang out with us. But I also stopped them from going to the guest room to watch anime when they first arrived (because they didn’t want to rewatch season 1 yet again and would rejoin us for s2) and I told them we’d skip it but then I still played the last few eps of s1 because another friend hadn’t seem them... ugh I just feel bad and like I often force my likes and preferences for the way I want things to go on other people like that and sure, like I said I’m not physically forcing any of my friends to participate but pretty much all of them are also nicer than me and might not say anything if they are actually getting bored with the shows I have us marathon? I don’t know. And in this case I’m worried about bringing it up with my sister because if I did kinda ruin her time with her boyfriend visiting (he’s also the friend of the rest of us but still, I understand her want for alone time even more then since she normally has to share him with all of us in other things like when we all go to cons together) I’m not sure I wanna know especially since I can’t change it now. But if I didn’t what if bringing it up influences her to think about it that way and I retroactively mess it up???

I don’t normally doubt my actions so much, what’s in the past is done and I just try to learn from it and get better every time, but for some reason I’ve just been questioning things a lot this week and it’s worn me out more than ever. And my brain (ever since I was pretty young actually) always goes back to “well if only you had a special someone, and you were just theirs and they were just yours, they’d be able to support you through things like this and you could talk with them like you talk with your other closest friends and maybe even things wouldn’t get so bad in your brain because you’d have accomplished the one dream you’ve had the longest and wished for the most - being in love with someone who loves you”. But those thoughts sometimes hurt the worst because of all my dreams that’s the one I can’t force - I can’t accomplish it just by working harder, improving myself, or whatever. I just have to keep looking and meeting people and talking with people and I can’t even just do that since I need to have at least a good-friend-level connection with someone before actually feeling comfortable enough to have real romantic feelings for them and/or go out on a date with them (otherwise as happened once, they ask me out and I agree and then proceed to feel sick with anxiety for like 3 days - because why would they ask me out they know so little about me why would they like me enough to want to go on a date I’m going to completely disappoint them if they think I’m this cool social person when I’m just like that at cons and the rest of the year I just like to stay at home and watch things and read and sleep and write and maybe plan outings, but not go out into the world with little notice - before finally telling them I can’t do it, sorry, it’s me not you I swear). Yet at the same time anyone who is even a little bit nice to me, smiles at me, compliments me on anything, my brain goes straight to “omg what would it be like if this cool person liked you, wouldn’t it be amazing, you two would probably be so great together and go on awesome adventures and hey look at all these great scenarios even though you literally talked with them for less than a minute or maybe have never met them in person at all”.

I’m tired, friends. And I want to be there for my sister who was probably feeling more lonely this week after only a few short days with her boyfriend who I think she really loves. And I want to hang out with my cousins who are both so busy with work. And I want to do stuff with my other friends that they’re so excited to do but I’m just stuck in this... blah. I worked so hard my whole life to be that person that people could count on, the one to cheer everyone up, the one that you can always count on to be calm and happy, but I think it kinda backfired because now people expect things like me being responsible and knowing what I’m doing. And only my parents know most of the problems I have, I don’t want to burden my sister since she rarely talks about her issues and she’s had friends who (probably unintentionally, but still) take advantage of that and go on all the time about their own problems without asking her how she’s doing (at least I try to ask her, but she doesn’t often let it all out). Similarly with most of my friends, we don’t talk as much as we used to about our really big problems, maybe only going to some large stresses sometimes. And it’s really only my one friend who I can talk with about the wanting that significant other thing since she’s the only one I know for sure has wished for it as much as I have (even though we’re both totally awesome single people and know we don’t need anyone, we still would like it...) and also I know she’ll vent to me the same amount I vent to her so I don’t have to worry there. And of course... whoever reads my lengthy rambles here on tumblr knows so, there you go. 8P

Anyway I’m sure everyone who’s alive already knows life’s hard, so I guess there’s not much more to say other than I’m gonna keep chugging along, doing my best, hoping and dreaming even when it hurts (and yes, I’ll also continue to be this dramatic in writing and probably even more so in real life). I hope everyone reading this is having a better week than I have been and if not, I hope you also feel free to rant to me! Because it’s nice to feel like I’m there for someone and possibly helping even if it’s not much more than just listening... and for me getting all these thoughts out of my head and solidified somewhere else helps, even if just while I’m writing it out. 8) I hope you all get whatever comfort you might need too. <3