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#have i told you all. that i love the sun
trickstersaint · 1 year
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flush // april 13 2023
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(3x11 This Imperfect World)
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(4x10 The Jade Emperor)
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Now the work can begin.
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zero-a · 1 year
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people will go all "just be yourself and love yourself! :)" and then go "if you don't act the way i want, you gotta reprogram your entire way of thinking then reach into the very core of who you are and what makes you you, discard it, and replace it with this better, friendlier, more empathetic version that's coincidentally far more convenient for me to deal with than any other possible compromise we can make that you can do for me but doesn't stretch your mind to nothing but thin bands of what you'd consider 'You' :))))))"
#mine.txt#just thinking about all those 'think positively!' and 'romanticize your life!' posts#like on one hand i can see their merit cause self-hatred though instinctual is ultimately detrimental to your mental health#but on the other hand...some of them (a lot of them) are really just unashamedly asking other people to completely change themselves huh#all in the guise of ''positive thinking'' ''self-love'' and ''betterment'' no less#i suppose i shouldnt be surprised considering most people can barely grasp the concept of someone who Genuinely has muted emotions#as a natural state instead of a depressive symptom#not to mention the human quality of escalating things#so ofc tumblr which seems to currently be in its mental health recovery phase would naturally lean in so hard towards ''radical happiness''#but man sometimes i really do just wanna shake the person from behind the screen and say#'no! dont you understand! this is just how i am! stop implying that everybody who doesnt feel joy at simply waking up is a miserable hag!'#sometimes they dont even imply it they just straight up say it 💀#im honestly fine (as in idc) with seeing them but they remind me so much of those toxic positivity bitches that sell you random hoaxes#and tell you that youre ''ruining their vibes'' when youre not just beaming like the sun every waking second#well idc most of the time that is#sometimes they just trigger my szpd (and my dpd weirdly enough)#with the szpd obviously i dont like being told what to do and what to feel and having some rando assume things about me#but with the dpd its like#oh i must be doing something wrong ofc this stranger on the internet knows more about emotions and feelings than me#cause im a dumbass who doesnt Feel things therefore i must do what they say even to my own detriment#this mainly applies to those guilt-trippy ones so ive learned to steer clear of them#possibly even block the op
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surohsopsisofclouds · 4 months
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Sometimes you just gotta sit with a fact about yourself.
In other news, I am once again Thinking about the "eternal hunger" part inherent in vampirism.
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adecila · 2 years
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I think they are doing this to us on purpose...
I love this fandom, I was sad and depressed because of the 💩 ending but after reading all of this amazing jonerys fics I felt happy and no matter what I still found comfort on this.
Please I now it's a lot to ask but don't go don't let them took away this bubble of happiness (you and the others on this fandom created for all of us) from us too.
On purpose? Yes if by that you mean the purpose of doubling down on the season 8 ending and milking whatever they can from the old Game of Thrones fan base. You know, the same ones who are so easily swayed by CGI dragons and will tune in to watch The House Of The Dragon. And the ones who think that the only thing wrong with the ending was that Dany's turn was too quick (but they thought she was mad in the first place, so that's not why they're raging about the ending), the ones who wanted Jon to kill the Night King instead of Arya and the ones who wanted Jon to end up on the Iron Throne.
WE ARE NOT THE SAME WHAT THE FUCK IS NOT CLICKING
Now that I'm heated again and in light of what Emilia said, I'm gonna say this respectfully but you're giving too much credit to HBO AND Kit.
Let me refresh your memory!!!
HBO agreed to the ending we got. Have y'all suddenly forgotten?? The HBO CEO watched the rough cut of the 6 episodes and thought hey these are great
In fact HBO stood by the ending after the petition to redo the season gained worldwide popularity
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HBO even thought it appropriate to insult the fans even further and stick by their ending when they gave D and D a cameo in Westworld in which they chop up Drogon
While Kit himself feared that the ending would be divisive, he thought that it was justified:
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I'm not saying he wasn't traumatised because it obviously fucked with his head having to kill off his friend on screen (READ THAT AGAIN) I'm just saying y'all are mistaking his grief related to the end of GoT as to the grief for Dany's botched up story.
In fact Kit thought that Jon's ending was "really sweet" 🙃
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I cannot overstate how much Kit has in fact stuck by the writing choices
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Emilia saying now that this spin off (told y'all the news was real and legit, even if it the spin off might currently be in just the very beginning stages) is certified by Kit doesn't mean shit to us Dany fans!!!
Because tell me what in everything I showed you that Kit said regarding season 8 sounds like a man who would ONLY do a Jon Snow spin off in order to revive Dany and retcon season 8?? It just sounds to me that he loves the character so much he'd probably play it again in most circumstances now that he has had time to deal with his mental health.
Like an asoiaf podcaster said, who if given $10M to play Jon fucking Snow would say no out of principle?
Exactly.
And I'm not "letting them take away anything." Please. I was amongst the last women standing when the last episode aired. I was one of the few still trying to hold everyone's hand through the grief we've had to deal with. I have and still am pouring my heart into so many jonerys fics and I will continue to do so until I can't do it anymore. I've stuck with jonerys through all the shit Kit has said since the ending of GoT, I just tune him out now (after the proper rant ofc) because I really don't trust his judgement on a lot of things 😃
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And before you come for me I can still like Kit and drag him for all the shitty things he's done and said. It's called nuance 🤍
Go read an old jonerys fic today and show the author some love. We don't need HBO. We don't need shitty spin offs. We've done well for ourselves for the last 3 years, this isn't going to suddenly make me love jonerys more. Thank god my love for Jon Snow (the legit one, not the s8 one), Daenerys Targaryen and jonerys doesn't depend on what Kit Harington says or does.
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southislandwren · 3 months
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ohohoho boy update. today at work it was just us doing cheese while everyone else pulled an ice cream order, and i was like hey if youre not busy saturday would you want to roadtrip with me? and i fully expected him to say no, but we are roadtripping to nebraska on saturday <3 <3 anyway what playlist do i put on in the car. do we trust him enough for get loose get looser
#music wise. i think maybe take a walk in the sun or normal music. not sure about glgl yet#i will probably put him on aux for at least half of the trip#(and when i say trip i mean like. 6-7 hours round trip. like we're not going very far for very long)#we're leaving at like 2:45-3pm and i get sleepy around 10 so not like a super good road trip for me#i told him that the way i plan trips was usually a long drive based purely off vibes but i would try to have an actual plan this time#and i asked him what time he would want to be home for work the next day since he works at 6am#and god he was so cute he was like 'i'll call off work on sunday so you can do one of your usual trips'#and yeah. sighh i am down so bad#and i HAVE to promise to be normal on this trip. i always get weird in cars late at night.#but theres Implications of him being in my car like 100 miles from home. so i cant do or say anything weird#like could you imagine being in a car with someone you dont like and they start being weird. like what the fuck do you even do.#but anyway yeah good day. he was very talkative today. and he is so cute sometimes i cant stand it#work is really fun when theres 6 of us and i can stand there while the underclassmen do all the work#boy post#oh and he said he was going to message that he was streaming skyrim but it ended up being boring#so that revealed some info. 1) twitch streamer 2) did think about texting me at least once last week 3) trusts me to know about his twitch#ugh. i would love to just hurry all this up but i have to be patient i have toooo#okay! off to take a disease quiz and then study some ice cream#talk to you later tumblrinas
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twosided-twisted-fate · 11 months
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Abandoned Mask
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"hmm....."
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4giorno · 5 months
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I TRIGGERED THE MIRROR SCENE
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solaaresque · 1 year
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day 874392857 of ??? where i am so fucking tired of this house and the people inside it that killing myself is looking better and better each day :/
#reze stfu#god i honestly. idk what to say#my parents aren't bad in terms of it. they're pretty good as far as parents go#but like. imso fucking tired of being expected to act and talk a certain way. yes. i am your first child#that is exactly the reason i am so fucked up!! because you didnt know how to deal with children when you had me an i was basically a...#idk. an experiment or wtv#I WISH THEY COULD UNDERSTAND THAT !!#i know there is something wrong with me. because i've been told that. to my face. repeatedly#and people wonder why my self esteem is so low :/#maybe if you didnt amke me question my fucking existance i wouldnt be this way. you ever thought of that??#just two more years . i gotta hanf on for two more years. thats all. thats all. and them im our im out of this house#maybe ill like them better when i dont see tjem everyday#god i love being deathly terrified of my own parents. sometimes i dont even think i love them. i think im just so scared of them#that ive deluded myself into thinking that i love them and theyd never do anything to hurt me#despite KNOWING that isnt true#and its worse when my sisters have to deal with the fallout like. im used to being the buffer. i can deal with that. but please please#please dont expect me to parent. dont expect me to take your place. side eyes my father#WHY am i the most responsible person in that house???#you expect me to trust you ??? after you left 2 10 year olds alone in a playground in the hot sun for 3 hours with no food no water no money#no way back home??? and you fucking forgot about them???? and i had to remind you????????#i dont know. maybe im just lashing out. maybe im just tired of being the fuckup#its hard to be proud of yourself when you end up being told that there is something about you that is not right in the head ykwim?#ugh im sorry for ranting i just. idek what set me off and now i have nail marks in my arm and my skin is raw again#and my eyes are bloodshot. so i guess. ill be crying myself to sleep again. yay#that is if i even GET to sleep. i just wasted 20 mins i couldve used to be working having a mental breakdown. fun fun#tw suicide#tw vent
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lingeringscars · 9 months
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I am a soldier. I am the sun summoner. And I'm the only chance you have.
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yououghtaknow · 11 months
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#ANDREW!!!!!!!!!!!!!#ANYWAYS. fucking hate the medical system. hate being mentally ill. hate being disabled. hate this life.#but at LEAST my parasocial bway besties are making good music#[everything is falling apart] [five minutes later] omg musical theatre#deleting so many tags because i have so much to say but i can't because of the [redacted] of it all#going to try and go for a walk and listen to music and try not to go insane#i love simultaneously oversharing and being a man of mystery. i am everything and nothing and so so special.#evening plans: walk. music. dinner. try and do a little creative work. sleep.#i have planned social things for the weekend so i am NOT isolating myself#i am doing all of the things i have been told to do to get better AND YET!!!!!!!!!!#it will be okay. at least i'm at my parents' house for the weekend so i can belt about it#anyways if my paranoia is Correct and my irls are reading this Hello. I Will Explain All Of This Eventually But You Probably Know What's Up#in many ways i am just like alistair fletcher but in many ways i am not. i contain multitudes.#ooh i should try and finish the current episode of my skambr annotations tonight. at this rate i will finish s1 by the end of the summer.#the thing about sandy neuman is she's sooooo flawed but in a way that is just like me (conflict avoidance and over/undersharing)#she would fuck with yellowjackets sooooooooo much. she's a soccer player she's a lesbian she has fucked up girlbestfriendships.#ANYWAYS. if you're still reading this hiiiiiii. going to feel the sun on my vampiric skin now.#Spotify
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oatbugs · 2 years
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the reflection of the sun on the windows of the train is casting light in rivers + woods + streams + fields . anyway photons are made of angels .
#the sun glitter from the rim of my glasses and lipgloss and the gold snowflake necklace my mother gave me reflected in the window mixed#with the glints of sun on water . sunwine . everything turns into angels and wine (which is also love which is also blood) again .#the boy with the long hair had his head in a mess that time. took a drag of a cigarette offered by a lovely addict . J with tears in his#voice and too much to drink . i looked him in the lungs with my broken heart and i asked why are you doing this and he took a drag and#took another step . ice cold eye to vodka-blessed eye . sighed the smoke out in my face and smiled .#later it was 3 AM and it was us in a park lying on the floor and talking about everything and nothing and i was studying the writing on his#shirt and the way he blinked more when he laughed . i dragged him away by the elbow (pain inhibited by alcohol but either way his black#belt could stop me and my lousy one year of cranes and bloody knuckles) and i asked him i love you and what the fuck was that and you said#you wouldnt you said you wouldnt . and by the end of that conversation i loved him more than i did before and his hair was tidier and#twice as long . today i gave him a ticket and hugged him goodbye tight enough to almost break his neck.#you and her are the only two i showed my canines to. (i cannot evenly remember the steps are full of glass) ill miss you forever.#even if i see you again. especially if i will see you again. her hand on my back when i dont stand straight the life you have is the life i#lost to messy politics. saturn jupiter confer breaking of the wall in the morning . server of heavens silent wanderers break oh holy light#each time someone ruins our collective lungs ichor i miss the ichor inside malboro gold . pinprick tears when my mother#told me to wait until morning . wait until morning and we can figure this out. otherwise i am on the verge of cold blooded murder.#either i am a horrible person or almost 20 ( both equally sound explanations )#mei with an e ، meaning wine. hate the wine but love the poetry and the angels and what hating the wine means at all.
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afieldinengland · 2 years
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kaeyaphile · 1 year
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my irl friend got me a green snake shirt and a jjk shirt because she checked my tiktok to see what i liked and also asked me what my favorite color was and knows i like snakes and idk it’s just so nice when people put in the effort even when you don’t share interests, you know? 🥲 also her fiancé bought me a cake and a $50 bottle of patron and also went out and bought us breakfast so 🤪
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featuring apollo, murphy, and orion my beloveds 💗
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strwbrymlkshake · 2 years
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I wanna post about my recovery + ramble in tags at the same time but I'm not motivated enough to come up with a mediocre yandere post rn , so just know that my life is going?? Somewhat good in terms of romance
#mine#💿#i can only ramble in tags. posts feel too official im shy</3 i feel like tags are less likely to show up on search engines as well...#just forever paranoid about the blog being discovered you know how it goes. personal stuff (proceeds to post it online)#in the general scheme of things im doing alright. tho im currently obsessed with a game instead of a man so idk if that counts#feels like im just waiting for an important event to happen. like ill have a great life changing thing but rn im just in limbo. waiting!#i dont mind it because i take joy in the small things in my day to day life but i feel like i should be doing bigger things. doing more#hell. BEING more. theres lots of cookie cutter paths i could take but none of them fit the mould im making yk. its boring.#on one hand im proud of myself for being able to stay focused on my interests instead of wasting time on a guy who doesnt care abt me#like i still am doing that a Little Bit but its not as detrimental to my daily life as it used to be. like its fine now#on the topic of.. him. we dont really talk much but i feel theres sort of a weird air between us now and he could tell i was in the yanzone#im not too broken up about it because i repeatedly told myself this would happen n i knew it would but everythings okay as it is rn#i still do admire him but not as intensely. the moment he stops hinting at even the possibility he could be interested my attention drops#i want to be everything but at the same time i want to be nothing. i want to be god and the earth and the sun and death and disease.#im working up to being perfect but at the same time i know no such thing exists so meanwhile im just. working up. to SOMETHING#i want everyday of my life to be an adventure. at the same time im much too tired for that. guess thats why i stick with emotional trifles#im not in love with him or anything. its the same as everyone else. like various dials in a lab that i have to keep below 50#or else bad things will happen. like a scientist with anxiety. its like i be insane for a little while and the dial goes down#but any others could easily skyrocket because i find little things i adore about one person and latch onto them!!! like art#i feel im the most socially acptble level of yandere out of them all rn. in insanity specifically tho. in othr aspects im still weird#the power of autism is condemning me from learning proper social skills but by god i am TRYING my hardest n learning new things#i sit around waiting but atleast im building skills while doing it. part of what life is about i guess!#you come for the yandere content and then i just post philosophical rants. a tragedy most awful to those who can relate#but im okay with it as long as these strange lengthy rambles help me recover better!! no problem at all. one day i will be better#tl;dr i havent found love yet but im not miserable either. trying to improve myself through numerous mental quarrels n experience
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maldito-arbol · 2 years
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It’s time for Mal to Talk in the tags again because I’m too tired to do homework or write so I’m gonna use my energy for this
#ranting online is kinda therapeutic since I can’t get therapy? ok so I just wanted to mention this and ramble#i about cried talking to my himbo friend over the phone the other day because he told me. the day I read that chapter (well. 1/4 of it)#to my discord server in the vc he came in and checked on me a few times and he said he hasn’t seen me look that happy in so long and it#hurts because I had to end that event early because I couldn’t breathe but I had so much fun talking to ppl and doing the reading bc I get#✨dramatic✨ and shit and yknow overall it was just such a great experience except for the not breathing part (the gods are punishing me for#the Bye Bye Air Collar from WJH) and anyway it just reminded me all over again how Unhappy I am constantly. i have spent my entire life#being treated like complete dirt by family and friends and bosses and coworkers and classmates and everyone under the sun so the second i#feel appreciated by Anyone I break into tears it’s So Bad. so like I enjoy going to work because even tho it’s so tiring and it’s so hard#dealing with customers sometimes I love it anyway because like. i feel appreciated there. by my boss and a handful of coworkers at least.#and that’s so much better than being in this house and feeling like I’m the devil’s spawn all over again sent to ruin everybody’s life by#merely existing. so work is a double-edged sword because it’s another source of Pain but it’s ALSO an escape which is Totally Healthy but#then there’s my fanfics. writing what I wanna write and sharing it with you guys and tormenting you and my blorbos is a kind of happiness I#will never find anywhere else. reading that to the server was one of those moments of pure euphoria even if I was plagued by Stage Fright#at the same time. so yeah. it really really really deepens my already horrid depression that I can’t write and I can’t release content rn#bc it means that source of pure happiness is gone with it and I’m left feeling all worthless again. idk how to fix all this. idk if I can.#I’m just so so so tired;;;;;#i forgot where I was going with this I feel like I keep repeating myself but anyway that’s all for now I’m gonna go see if I can cry#oh! one more thing. i haven’t talked to my Blood Family (apart from my sisters and Rarely my dad) SINCE I GOT KICKED OUT but last night my#aunt called me and we talked about my mother and she had a breakdown to me over the phone so I remembered all over again what it was like#living with my mother and maybe realized I never actually processed any of that trauma. it’s all just coming pouring out thru my writing.#all the Abuse themes going on in CMTO? 100% projection so sorry u had to witness this guys 💜 but anyway she told me I rlly helped validate#her own feelings and apologized for crying to me ab this but I told her what I tell everyone—that Crying Is Good For The Soul#and maybe that’s why I’ve been crying so much lately. because I need to. and I need to stop holding everything in. my friends are genuinely#worried and I somehow convinced myself that they have better things to do than listen to my whining. so anyway I’m gonna go cry 💜#for self care purposes. ok done for real this time see y’all soon next time I decide to rant in the tags again#mal rants
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