#having an awful awful horrible really awful week
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#having an awful awful horrible really awful week#partner of four years and I broke up I guess??#i don’t even know how to process I thought we were going to be together forever#it’s fire when I breathe and I can’t sleep#I still have to go to work and go about life regularly and everyone treats it like just another day#I have no friends and am so depressed#why did this have to happen I was so happy with him#I’m actually heartbroken and do not know how to cope#worst week of my job also like why couldn’t it have waited#I don’t know what to do#just me and my dog now I guess#we still live together but he hasn’t talked to me yet#I wish I could be everything he wanted and needed
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hello (going to pretend that i didn't disappear AGAIN)
#i'm sorry#i have been saying the same thing for a while now and i hate myself for it#these weeks have just been so horrible and i'm just so??#i have lost interest in everything and now i just feel like an empty shell#it's an awful feeling i can't bring myself to do anything no matter how much i want to#it just hurts a lot i don't really know what to do at this point#i suppose this was me taking a break again i haven't written at all#i tried to. came up with two paragraphs and then dropped it#life has just been so weird lately and i really miss you all.#ANYWAYS...#ruru rambles
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to be so honest im starting to think i really need to see a professional for my social anxiety
#.mei’s chatter ˚༘⋆ ๋࣭ ࣪ ˖#it is so bad in ways i can’t even articulate but today i felt sick over having to send one text message and procrastinated the entire day#i’ve gotten so bad recently#and that’s not even a fraction of the texts i need to reply to.. i feel like im crumbling under the weight of how awkward i am#and i hate it because im sure everyone thinks i’m rude and i know it comes off as so weird when i reply to a text fucking SIX WEEKS late#but i genuinely feel so awful and guilty over it i just cannot make myself do it. i’m so scared ill say the wrong thing or fuck up#or i just forget because i have memory issues but it’s awful all the same and i feel so terrible#and i assume everyone hates me until i see them again because i never texted back and it makes me feel like an awful person#but i have good intentions and i really just want to give everyone the kindness they deserve but i get so scared to talk to ppl it’s crazy#it’s so awful. i really need it fixed it feels like it’s rotting my soul and ruining my relationships#people will be so nice to me and then i just don’t get back to them… it’s horribly horribly rude and i know it i just get terrified#or i forget most the time i really do just forget but it feels bad all the same#i think it stems from like.. i don’t want to say the wrong thing so i need to think hard about what to say but then i forget or get so ->#caught up in trying to say the perfect thing that i get overwhelmed and procrastinate then forget entirely#i’m an awful person i truly cannot stand myself#i guess the only way forward is to just be better in the future but fuck i feel so guilty
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thinking of that post that's like being a picky eater as a kid just means i get to experience the joy of trying so many foods as an adult. i have some new foods planned for this week after i move including stir fried sweet and sour veggies + rice and omurice (really simple fried rice... may add veggies to it later if i like it but one step at a time). will let you guys know how it goes
#shay speaks#i want to try and eat healthier and its going to start somewhere on god#i tried doing this last year but living with someone else really hindered my mental ability to do that#mostly bc. she took up so much space in our fridge#having my fridge and freezer 2 myself is going to help a lot i hope. and no other people to walk in on me cooking#it's going to be a slow process but i want to have a better relationship with food#my other goal is to have at least one higher effort meal a week. if not more but at least one#higher effort than making like maccy cheese or pizza rolls yeah?#also i was in the middle of typing my tags when my parents called me up for dinner and then served smth that makes my arfid#flare up. which is meatballs. they marinated the meatballs in the sauce which does wonders for my brain thinking smth is inedible#meat is still a hard no most of the time for me so uhm. not fun.#too many awful memories around that in particular. same with alfredo lmao i've briefly mentioned why i hate alfredo here before#horrible horrible sauce do not put me in the same room as it please and thankies#anyway.
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im working on cleaning up the story we got for mn and the one we ended up with is almost definitely the Longest and most Slow Burn of the three is all ill say. this is not a problem but i hope you're ready for a long wild ride...
#ahh abandon lonliness my beloved. leafs horrible awful no good very bad day#i can't even say jokingly 'UGHH you guys picked the LONG ONE' bc one i Want to do this and Two you didn't even pick it#i had to do w TIEBREAKER do you know how MAD i was HSSFFZHJFSSGJ#but yeah no im really excited for this esp after askin the og fallen leaf author if it was ok and getting an enthusiastic Yes#so im like all hyped up about it we doin LEAF LORE BABYYYYY#mn diary#i am considering breaking it up into parts though tbh... like in A.L. there's the three parts of like#Leaf then Sorrow then Red. and i haven't even fully finished Leaf and we're at like over two weeks worth of posts planned :x planned :x#if yall see that would you like it to be one longgg shot or. a multi-parter with splits of the Mystery Polls in between?#(im not revealing the other stories for that reason btw we're still having each one be surprises. i already have the next choice planned-#for when we get there... id just have to add a third option for Sorrow if we do split it up...)#idk what do you guys think?
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Spending hours trying to figure out why I feel so irritable and sensitive today and I’m only realizing now it might have something to do w being invited to a birthday party full of an entire family I’ve never met and like seven very small children and the person inviting me assuming I would love that. I want to support her bc I like her and she’s family now, but I cannot---I will not---go to another family event and be pushed into the kitchen doing dishes with the women or cooing over someone’s baby who just stares at me and whines when I try to mask and say hello.
#my period ended so it ain't that.#maybe i'm a horrible person. i just want to be left alone for seven solid days. and i certainly do not want to be forced-#-to interact with children. they scare me. real bad.#maybe this also has something to do with my readings for this week and the fact that we're going to be discussing 'womanhood'.#like the subject is 'what IS a woman to you?' and i am not really looking forward to listening to 15 cis girls tell me-#-how awful it is and how much pain they themselves endured while entirely not acknowledging the existence of trans women#or gnc women.#why am i so irritable jfc.#every time i talk like this to my partner they give me that look lol. the look that's like 'uh huh. i know a trans person when i see one.'#and i'm like shhhhhhh. no. don't say that. shhhh. i don't want to be. i hate myself okay and my family scared me out of it.#wish i could fucking shapeshift. wish i was just fucking born with a dick and a flat chest. actually i wish i was two people.#so i could decide from day-to-day and not have to worry about irreversible changes.#how much of my alleged transness is just internalized misogyny? <- this is a question i ask very very quietly to myself#because i think it's what my mother thinks. and most of the world.#how do i learn to be comfortable AS a masculine woman? i have no one to look up to who can teach me or show me it's okay.#i have transmasc friends who are elated to go on T. i'm scared that they will make me want to do it again. why tf am i scared of that...#irreversible changes. society. literally everything. fucking hell............#no one talks about this particular experience of gender. no one talks about the in-between and the immense fear. at least no one to me.#why am i even taking gender studies in university if every class is full of cis women who don't even know the terminology of transness#or of gender-expansiveness...#i think i've become a very sour person in the last few years.#need to vent through writing or something. like through fanfiction.
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Feeling a debilitating sense of dread and despair 🤨 Which probably means nothing😍👍
#girl help i cant get out of bed i feel so so awful for no reason at all#literally my soul is gone or something#i have no desires and no joys and no sense of being blessed#which is crazy bc i love life and im so blessed ! usually.#ig i should do something abt it tomorrow if it doesn't get better#alternatively get back into therapy bc tbh... after that horrible sex thing ive felt kinda off#like even after i was able to eat and sleep and function normally without the tremors and head jerks and whatnot#like its not dramatic anymore but i kinda feel drained of life and joy#moments of genuine happiness and fulfillment are ... ? idk. i did feel happy once this week and that was nice but it didnt last obviously#but like ! im not depressed in a depressed way. i take good care of myself and i read my books and eat food and hang out with friends#i just kinda dont recognise myself ig. i mean i know ill get my spark back but maybe i need some professional help#idk !! it kinda feels very silly tho#like ive been in and out of therapy for more than half of my life. and being one year therapy free was a big step for me !#so going back for this little ridiculous freakout feels like a setback#kinda like im making up things to be wrong with me just so that ill have someone to talk to ? or to have attention idk#it doesn't make sense bc i really was proud for getting bettter and i rly dont want to be in therapy anymore#but who knows 🤷♀️#there is also this slight risk. just clinically speaking by purely looking at symptoms of certain things. with no stake in the matter! lol#that there might be something bad and [lets not think too hard about it] that lies as a root cause of my little mental breakdown#like according to my sex having friends losing your virginity is awful but not THAT awful and not in THAT way#and my friend kinda said i scared her with how i was acting when i talked to her abt it. like my demeanour and body language and whatever#and i do trust her to know whats normal versus concerning when i dont have my own stable grip of reality#plus. if i was an outside party and applied my psych education on myself. i would say its not looking super good#but i cant really do that bc im not some random patient. im me myself and I 😩✋️ thank you#but whatever. itll be fine. tomorrow will be a better day ! yay !
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#having a day full of mixed feelings#I suppose this is how life goes#I'm officially done with my Bachelor's degree as of today#obviously I'm proud of myself for the accomplishment and I was excited to be celebrated today#it was a long and difficult road and there were many times where I didn't think I'd live to see it through but I made it#I'm the first person in my family to get this degree and I was really looking forward to having today be my day#I had a really lovely morning and then things kind of waned#there were a few arguments. someone I spent the day with repeatedly made negative comments about something I care about#it felt awful. I know it was intended as more of a playful jab than anything but I directly asked for the comments to stop and they didn't#it especially hurt that it was a fandom thing and the person is so invested in their own fandoms yet they felt it fair to step on mine#even though I've never done that to them#then people kept talking over me and acted like I was wrong for trying to interject to finish my own sentences#also as I said in the last post I was deeply upset by how my family members spoke of my 12 year old cousin#she's just a kid and some of our close family members have such a nasty opinion of her. she's so young and she's had a rough few years#but it seems like no one except my brother and I are willing to give her any grace#I think everyone else has forgotten what it feels like to be a kid and feel as if the world is against you#on a more positive note. I had a decadent slice of chocolate cake. it was heavenly#unfortunately I was really too in my head to fully enjoy it#literally every day for 3 weeks I've been talking about the lunch I planned to have today#I knew exactly what meal and dessert I wanted from the restaurant. it's my absolute fave and isn't available at any other local restaurant#I was totally starving by time we got to the restaurant. we were out all morning and I ate a tiny breakfast in anticipation of this meal#when we got there we found out they removed what I planned to order from the menu. I was devastated.#I know it's stupid but like this was the one part of my day that I've had planned for MONTHS and I've been thinking about it for weeks#we had a 40 minute car ride where I mentioned my excitement for the food no less than 10 times so this crushed me#also I'm just really picky in general and typically restaurants only have one or two things I'm able to eat#I offered to just eat the dessert while everyone else ordered food because they were all really hungry too but they wouldn't allow it#we left the restaurant and I still feel horrible for walking out. if I had known the item was removed we wouldn't have even gone there#it happened so recently though and I feel dumb for not even thinking to check the menu online beforehand#so we went to another restaurant and I barely ate anything and now I have no appetite for dinner and I feel bad for ruining the afternoon#even though it's my day and my celebration and I feel like I'm entitled to a slight amount of unreasonableness
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Making somewhat normal food tomorrow :]
#boiled barley and veggies and brown sauce#the sauce is kinda scary but i can challenge it without feeling horrible#i challenged a fear food yesterday that genuinely made me feel awful and i dont want to challenge the really scary#ones alone at all anymore. it was too much and i should not have pushed myself#only 2 weeks until my treatment starts!#ed tw
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i am so miserable these days it's unreal. let's hear it for the misery folks everyone give it up for the misery 👏👏👏
#i do nothing but sleep and then overeat out of stress and pain and then become more stressed and pained and sleep more#nothing excites me nothing is worth waking up for nothing makes me passionate or happy#i wake up every day after awful nightmares and the first thing i notice is the agony in my hips and it does not improve#i cry 2-3 times a week when i used to never cry at all while on my bipolar meds#i have stories i fall in love with (like the silt verses) but they only fleetingly hold my attention compared to the past#every time i flap about headcanons it's a little more desperate a little more transparently trying to escape my body#having more and more days where i simply play phone games all day because i'm in so much pain that#even merely scrolling tumblr or trying to watch tv / youtube makes me feel pukey#i need to see a doctor really bad aha. except theyre just going to say#you're fat and out of shape. stop eating everything and take a walk#completely disregarding that my hips are both subluxing with every goddamn step i take#it's fucking horrible. it's fucking horrible in here and if i was an animal they'd put me down out of kindness#unfortunately. i am a human being.#negative#disordered eating /#food /#i GUESS.#autoimmune tag
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#thats me in the corner. thats me in thr spotlight. rocking from side to side and not contributing to the conversation#which is to say. i made it to thr lab get together with an old lab mate. i really truely did not think i would#i was like 20min late bc of the crying and hyperventilating over a 6min drive down the road#i sorta freaked out while driving too. and almost turned around. its just that i kno i havent been sleeping enough and got overwhelmed#but i made it there. and i dont think i looked like id been crying but i probably looked a bit blank faced and miserable#as i rocked from side to side for like 2hrs listening to ppl talk. i enjoyed it exactly as much as i expected. it was good to see the guy#again but i just dont connect in group gatherings idk. im glad its done. also fucking we were sitting there and a group comes in and whos#in that group?? someone i have avoided seeing for like a loooong time. the guy who tried to be in a relationship with me back when i 1st#started as a grad student. i say relationship. i was explaining to him why i couldnt do any sort of romantic e tanglement and he was very#firm abt not wanting a relationship. and im like bro im explaining u why no romanticly adjacent thing is gonna work. u literally asked me#to physically hold ur hand thru this. u r somehow more emotionally invested in this than me and also are telling me that u just wanna fuck#me. so like u r not slick. whatever. it was so fucking stressful at the time. which i feel bad abt bc it wasn't really his fault#i was just less self aware so i didnt kno i have bad awareness in the moment. like i dont kno a lines been crossed until a week later when#im laying on thr floor falling apart. so like i wish him the best. didnt kno he was still around. hopefully this doesnt trigger stress#dreams. all this to say i was very fucking tense. and when i got back in my car i was like shaky and panting lol#idk looking back its just such a weird situation with that dude. if i was anyone else it woudlnt have been a big deal but#my brain just doesn't process physical touch right. so now ive got these horrible touch memories that like on paper r literally nothing#but for me they were so unfathomablly awful when i 1st aquired them. i literally could not deal with any romantic stuff for like a month#bc it would like trigger me. now thst its been like 3 years its not bad tho. just like gives me thr ick but i dont get#stuck in the memories too much. its so dumb. whatever. point is im all sore now from sitting all tense haha#unrelated
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anyone else deeply depressed or is it just me
#not to be negative but this past week has been horrible awful terrible.#like im having a lot of issues medically and financially and mentally#esp with the news rn and everything going on with trans ppl in the media it rly has been making me burst into tears#multiple times a day and really it feels kind of hopeless#and it sucks so bad bc for a short while i was feeling so happy. Anyway
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ouuhwhuh the nectar (water) ! ohhuhuihouhuhu
...am i a fish
#just me hi#wwwwwwwwwortorrrrrr ouhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#am i just like at that stage of dehydration where i don't feel it again or are my senses Elevated. hard to tell#[takes a sippy] [takes a sippy] [takes a sippy] [takes a sippy] [takes a sippy] [takes a sippy] [takes a sippy] [takes a sippy] [takes a si#/god was so so very right for making water. oh man oh boy oh Man#like. this stuff is Great#sometimes it's Really gross but this stuff is really really good#how many types of water are there#google says 7#7 wortor. 7 virtues......#fish virtues............#oh no my conspiracy brain is coming out of hiding oh gosh oh frick oh n-#//oh yeah so i had to do Hygiene Things earlier and my mmmmmother Finally got shampoo after Weeks of DISH SOAP.#heavens' sake- DISH SOAP. it was in my HAIR. it was AWFUL#just TERRIBLE. it's a horrible awful terrible texture and i don't even know how to describe it. it's like. plastic#bad vibes!#so my mom's like 'why don't you just use the dish soap lol' and i don't have my brain on so i'm just like 'it feels bad :/'#and i Know there's somebody who agrees with me cuz like. that shizz is sposed to strip off COOKING OIL. i am NOT so much an oily boi as my#mother wants to believe (assuming from the fact she kept telling me to use DISH SOAP. WRONG.)#yeah this isn't the first time this has happened. yea i wish it would be the last time but this isn't the world of my dreams yet so#/DISH SOAP. it dries out my skkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkine i canNOT believe this. Horror#//anyway my dramatics are over again :) [drapes over the couch]#somebody fetch me like. a lemonade or something. or pink lemonade!! very good drink :D [continues to Drape]
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every day on this trip is worse
#i can not stand my sister at all i truly can't#she's been yelling and arguing for 10 minutes because she has her hair straightner but mum doesnt have a plug converter#and she keeps yelling ab how her fringe is fucked when it looks literally the same as it has this entire trip#and is yelling ab how its mums fault as if she couldn't have bought this shit herself before we left#i am just. so over this#any fun that would come from being on an international trip is immediately taken away by my mum and sister constantly getting angry#and either yelling or getting passive aggressive and making me feel horrible its just so tiring#bc i feel like such a fucking asshole for not enjoying an international trip that i will never get the opportunity for again#like this cost so much money and it feels awful to say i dont want it or that its not fun or whatever#but i am constantly dissociating and trying not to cry and ive had meltdowns and panic attacks almost every day but im not allowed to show#them bc my sister tells me to calm down and not be so dramatic and everything is a sensory nightmare#and i have a very specific diet at home and its not available outside of nz and there arent really any worthy substitutes and even if there#are i wont know bc i dont speak the languages so im just living on shitty little protien drinks and hot chocolate which makes me feel worse#and on top of it all im sick and i havent had any chance to rest bc my sister wont stop ab going places and doing thingd#and gets pissy if i dont want to#and its just so fucking difficult i knew that being stuck w them for 2 months would suck but its been 1 week and i cant do this anymore#i have no other option but i seriously don't know what to do i don't know how to handle this im at my limit#travelling is stressful and anxiety inducing and its hard enough doing it once on my own#let alone every 2 or 3 days w family that rushes and runs late and has 10000 bags that never fucking fit on the trains#and its always me left standing in the aisle blocking peoples path with nowhere to go bc my sisters giant suitcase wont fit anywhere#i hate this so much and its making me hate all the cities and countries we go to bc i dont get to experience the places i only get#to experience fucking breakdowns and im constantly drinking water bc im constantly dehydrated from either crying or panicked breathing#its a mess and i hate it and i want to go home I haven't felt comfortable or safe since i left home and i wont feel either until i go back#but that isnt until the last couple days of january so i just have to keep dealing with things getting worse by the day#negative cw#rant cw#ask to tag cw
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Moms will literally blame everything but themselves and then also cry about it
#I forgot how much I hate being at home#‘why aren’t you going to spend time with us?’#idk maybe because I did last night and you were fucking mean to me?#like you don’t get to be rude and also entitled to my company#she said earlier this week ‘oh we should play that game from last year on Christmas this year’#and by that she meant the d&d campaign that I spent weeks on#writing a custom campaign making maps making them each a character sheet and painting minis and making spell cards and inventory packs#plus loads more#and then they decided they’d rather watch football and then were too tired after to play my game#so yeah I was incredibly upset and threw it all away and have no trace of it anymore#and I told her that and she was like ‘what do you mean it’s gone we still have our papers you gave us’#and I was considering rewriting the campaign but fuck that#I’m not getting my heart broken again by them#anyway this turned into a huge rant#Didn’t mean for it too but I’m just so tired of her bs#and then if you’re ever like ‘hey maybe think about why your kids don’t want to spend time with you’#it’s the whole ‘obviously I’m a horrible mother I’m just so awful’ and then tears#also I do so much shit for her and hardly get a thank you#last night I spent like a half hour troubleshooting this Christmas light program she made#because something was being weird and I knew it was really important to her#not even one fucking thank you#like you could be a little appreciative but whatever I guess#ugh fuck I’m just over it
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do you think me having been horribly depressed all summer is a good enough excuse to not have my ap summer work done
#augghhgghh#ill get it done hopefully its just art stuff but like#i dont even know#i genuinely have not been bring myself to draw anythint for weeks now its awful#like ill maybe. draw one or two little things but its never to the extent of what i normally do… and it isnt really as fun or fulfilling#i have like eight canvases on ibispaint that are just like#one or two horrible doodles from me trying to get. SOMETHING done#normally i would just live with this like whatever im not feeling it that just happens sometimes BUT I HAVE TO GET THIS SHIT DONE 😭#hoping praying etc some stuff ive made over the summer just on my own time can be counted towards my pieces needed for this#i mean.. she doesnt need to know it wasnt intended for the class#or maybe that counts still i dont fuckint know!!!! she doesnt explain shit!!!!!!#okay im gonna stop talking abt this i need to go to bed#ugh#inquisitivewaltz.txt#vent#<-I GUESS idk im tagging jic for filtering stuff yknow#trying to not talk abt personal shit too much online cuz i feel like thats a bad habit of mine .i dont think ive done that great of a job w#that lately but whatever#its not anything to worry abt or whatever btw ive just been kind of misreable for no good reason for ages#tht sounds rlly bad when i say it like that help
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