#he already has pretty low self esteem and i truly truly believe she is helping him keep it lower than the underworld

[maitso]

truly dislike the caleo plot. i feel like rick just really wanted to give leo someone so he wouldnt be left out, but he didnt really know who would/could stay with him so he just chose calypso cause it was "the only obvious choice". but like. he could have stayed alone. if he could have grown into loving himself and being auto sufficient (i hope thats a word) it would have been such a nicer plot for a character like him. we don't always need romantic love to be fulfilled. also rick could have introduced a new character in the toa series for him instead of calypso.

all of this just to say: caleo is toxic as fuck and i hope leo find someone better who truly loves him

[struggle-but-its-all-ocean-floor]

i actually feel pretty bad for mhj after that press conference and I hope there’s some way for hybe to help everyone deal with what has probably been a traumatic time within the label. she seems genuinely unwell to me, just based off of the number of times she mentioned su!c!de or other people being worried about her doing that, seemingly including newjeans members and their families. That’s such an inappropriate emotional position for these girls to be in. I hope hybe gets a handle on this and stops letting it play out so publicly

Honestly, I'm not following this whole shit show super seriously - I see what Redditors and Army on Twitter say, but I'm not reading all the articles or emails, nor did I watch the press conference; I don't need to see who's right or wrong. My opinion of Hybe is already low, and it doesn't appear they did anything particularly awful according to the low bar set by corporate standards, so I don't particularly care about what they did - besides hiring MHJ, because everyone knew she was an egomaniac creep, but no one cares about asshole millionaires unless it blows up in their faces (usually, it doesn't - eg. SB - so Hybe was truly 'unlucky' here). But, yeah, Hybe didn't care she was a creep, and now they're paying for it - serves them right that their reputation is tanking, but the idols were innocent... (V is paying for it too - hope this serves as a lesson - sorry, not sorry).

So, yeah, MHJ is probably not wrong about everything. ILLIT is technically not plagiarizing NJ, but Hybe are riding out the NJ trend, the same way every group under SM sounds like NCT (albeit for different reasons), or BM sounds like BP... The album thing, I agree is bad, but does she want me to believe she cares about the idols' self-esteem or the environment or whatever?

The bottom line is, she's a manipulative weirdo who is trashing every young group under the sun (most of them of minors or young idols), keeps using the NJ members to draw sympathy towards herself (apparently they talked a grown-ass woman out of committing suicide??? that's emotional manipulation and would be child neglect if she were their actual mother), said Minji used to be prettier when she was younger (no comments), etc.

I don't give a fuck what Hybe did or didn't do, I would happily put her in jail for a little while - or better yet give her money to the idols she insulted for emotional damages. Let's have Bang PD do that as well, while we're at it. This whole circus is because he hired her and gave her power. He doesn't need all that blood money - add this to the million other disgusting things about him.

Like, she's clearly emotional unwell, but she's a terrible person so my sympathy towards her is limited. As to the claims that this or that person are worried about her well-being, and that she thought of committing suicide, there is 0 proof any of that is true - and this woman is a liar - and even if it is, it changes nothing for me, sorry.

NJ are in a terrible position right now, because of her, her alleged 'mother', and I fucking hope their parents aren't like the parents of the young boys MJ bought off to abuse - I hope they actually try to separate MHJ from them...

The golden group crashed and burned so fast. I'm sure they'll recover but atp it's hard to know how it will go - at least for me. All this hype about the next big thing and MHJ/Hybe have lowkey 'ruined' them already. This is unrelated but stans should shut up about predicting the future. Their chances are good - this isn't Fifty-Fifty - but, yeah... the endless parade of rookie ggs who are the next whatever, only to end up being 'replaced' by the next young thing in line for the throne is annoying. Stop pitting girls against each other.

I'm not sure Hybe has a say in what MHJ does right now. They can control their own responses but not hers... Hybe don't seem to be doing a great job of things, but I doubt MHJ is giving unhinged press conferences because they can help it.

TL;DR: MHJ and BHS can both burn.

Anyway, thanks for the ask!

[miraculousdeservesbetter2024]

Since your interested now, Lukabrina?

Lukabrina? YES 😍😍😍

-

Cons

Sabrina has helped Chloe bully Luka’s sister and actual crush in the past. He could hold animosity towards Sabrina over it like with Chloe.

They never interacted before. Heck, I don’t even know if they know of each other.

Luka tends to put others' feelings before his a bit too much. Sabrina does the same thing. That might cause them to clash.

Sabrina has both a toxic view of relationships (both platonically and romantically) and low self-esteem. It’s probably best if she works on herself before getting into any relationship.

Sabrina has a love interest already and the same with Luka.

Pros

Forgiveness is a thing. In my opinion, I don’t think Sabrina is worse than Chloe as far as behavior and being a bully. I’m one of those individuals that truly think that it will take a lot less work for Sabrina to redeem. Luka COULD help. He’s a nice boy that seems to see through imperfections. With the right guidance, I feel that Sabrina could change for the better. Hey, if Chluka can work out for some people, why not Lukabrina?

Sabrina has low self-esteem. I believe that Luka could help her see the potential Sabrina has and help her see her worth.

They might have never interacted or known of each other, but that just leaves room for others to add what they want to the characters and the relationship. After all, fanon tends to be better than canon.

“You're not a nobody to me.”

They could change together.

No offense to Delmar at all, but he’s blander than a piece of bread. Luka has more of a personality.

They just look adorable together.

The shy brainiac with the cool, calm, and mellow Luka? HECK YES.

Grade: A+ (OTP)

Conclusion

Like with many pairs on MLB, Lukabrina has the potential to be something great. They may have never truly met, but I really think if they did, with the right writing, I think they could be a cute pair that could work. Heck, if Lukanette is off the table and the love square happens (which I'm pretty sure it will), then I would prefer Lukabrina rather than Luka x Zoe or Luka x Kagami.

Afterthought

Sorry to Sabrinath fans, but Lukabrina to me is my new Sabrinath. In fact, it's A LOT better and more interesting.

[beclynn-herondale]

Similarities that I see between Jace and Céline

(these are just my thoughts. Press read more to see them.)

↑ this chaotic energy. You think he got it from Stephen? Nah.

Her anxiety reminds me of Jace's. And like their thought process was similar in ways.

They both struggled with belonging.

Céline corrected Robert when he said "Just like a warlock. Always for sale."

And Céline was like "Always on sale."

Again Jace energy.

Céline knew Amatis, Stephen's wife. At least, she knew enough. Amatis was sharp-tongued and stuck up. She was opinionated, argumentative, stubborn, and not even that pretty. There were also rumors that she still secretly associated with her werewolf brother. Céline didn't much care about that—she had nothing against Downworlders. But she had plenty against Amatis, who obviously didn't appreciate what she had. Stephen needed someone who would admire him, agree with him, support him. Someone like Céline. If only she could make him see that for himself.

_

Jace's smile was as bland as buttered toast. "Go on, go after him. Pat his head and tell him he's still your super special little guy. Isn't that what you want to do?"

But he couldn't look at Simon without wanting to kill someone.

“And even back then, in that stupid coffee shop. When I saw you sitting on the couch with Simon, even then that felt wrong to me—i should have been the one sitting with you. The one that made you laugh like that. I couldn't get rid of that feeling. That it should have been me.”

↑ Their bitterness, anger, jealousy, and envy towards the person who had the person they wanted and in general has the same energy in my opinion.

They both were angry and jealous of people who had it better or they considered to be good—Like, that was why Jace hated Simon so much at first, because Simon was everything Jace thought he'd never get to be, he just didn't realize it.—And Céline was angry of the kids in the academy who had loving parents and good childhoods, and weren't damaged like she was—they both were angry because somebody was someone or had something they thought they'd never get to be or have. (In Céline's case she never actually got it, not really.)

They both like to wander around when upset.

They both aren't too fond of the Silent Brothers. And I think that has to do with their head being full of certain things they don't want others to know, and the Silent Brothers speak in your mind, almost like they're reading your thoughts.

They're both observant, which could be from growing up in abusive and toxic environments but could also just be they're observant people.

They both can tell when someone is off. We see this when Céline sees through Valentine's mask. Jace often saw through the lies of people in TMI and still does.

And the both hate being pitied. Like it angers them when people pity them, we see that with Jace quite often in TMI, but we see it when Dominique says this: “Every Downworlder in Paris knows about poor Céline Montclaire, wandering the city like a murderous little Éponine. We all feel a little sorry for you.”

And then Céline thought this: Céline lived with a steady, secret simmer of rage, but now she felt it boiling over.

↑ Again, the above reminds me of Jace. He lived with anger that he kept under control but would boil over when triggered.

They're both sensitive. And get hurt easily.

“I wish I could be more like you,” she admitted.

In what sense?

“You know, just shut off my feelings? Feel nothing. For anybody.”

There was a long pause, and she wondered if she had offended him. Was that even possible? Finally, his cool, steady voice spoke.

This is a wish you should dispense with. Feeling is what makes us human. Even the most difficult feelings. Perhaps especially those. Love, loss, longing—this is what it means to truly be alive.

__

“I think—my father was sorry he had a parabatai,” he said. “Now I have to go live with a man my father was sorry about. I don't want to be weak, I don't want to be sorry. I want to be the best.”

If you pretend to feel nothing, the pretense may become true, said Jem. That would be a pity.

↑ They both wished to feel nothing, and had Jem tell them that wasn't as great as they thought. But they both still desperately wanted to not feel.

When she was a child, her parents had often refused her iratzes after training sessions, especially when her injuries were caused by her own mistakes. Let the pain remind you to do better next time, they told her. All these years later she was still making the same mistakes.

_

“No! it's better for your parents not to know it happened at all. It was just bad luck that one of them got me. I'm a good fighter,” Jonathan protested sharply.

“It's my fault I got hurt,” said Jonathan. “I know excuses are for incompetents. It won't happen again.”

↑ this bit on making mistakes, or when getting hurt.

Céline always carried a misericord blade.

↑ Reminds me of someone else who always carries blades.

They both were aware of the consequences of putting a rune on someone that they weren't 100% sure were Nephilim, and it was different circumstances but they did it anyway. Jace gave Clary her first rune and Céline gave Rosemary her first rune (I think).

More furious at her own instinct for mercy. After all, her parents had never shown any to her. Her parents had done their best to teach her that mercy was weakness, and cruelty was strength.

_

Jonathan said the word "weakness" with horror. Jem wondered what a man who had drilled a boy to fight like that might have considered weakness.

↑ Mercy, kindness, gentleness, etc. Was taught as weakness to them both growing up.

They both hate being predictable. Kinda like when Rosemary knew Céline would keep her secret. Céline hated that she knew that. Remember in CoA when everyone was guessing that Jace said no to Valentine, and he hated it.

They both never really felt like they were ever a kid. Because again, the environment they grew up in forced them to grow up faster than they should have. Which is why Jace didn't think of himself as one when he threw himself into battle.

like Jace I don't think Céline liked to upset the balance of things, meaning they don't pry and don't pressure. Which often gets them labeled as "not too bright" or "unobservant" they're both observant, they just don't say it out-loud. Jace is definitely like this, but I see Céline as this too. Stephen said she always needed to be told what to do, but I don't think it was that exactly, I think she just didn't like to upset things. Which growing up in an abusive and toxic environment does that. But I think it's also just part of who they are.

That sweet and obedient daughter of the provençal countryside. They knew how devoted she was to her parents. Such a dutiful daughter.

↑ Valentine often called Jace his obedient son. I see Jace in this part as well. Sebastian called him Valentine's "sweet boy."

She could close the door on the past, start again. She could choose a life without pain, without suffering or fear.

But who would she be without pain?

This also reminds me of Jace. Obviously he did end up choosing to walk away from Valentine. But there are times he doubted, because in reality he himself didn't know who he was without the pain he'd experienced, without his past with Valentine. And they both believed that the pain and suffering had made them stronger. Jace later knows that isn't true, but I see the similarity there.

They're both said to have vulnerability about them that made you wan to protect them. To keep them safe. Jocelyn said you couldn't really hate Céline, and I think it's kinda the same with Jace.

Both of them refused to ask for help. Thinking they could do it all on their own.

Céline could tell how much it hurt—and how determined the woman was to reveal no pain. She knelt by her side. Rosemary flinched away. “Let me see—I can help."

_

“Tell me what happened first.” She tried to yank her wrist back, but his grip was incredibly strong. “I can help you.” — this is in Clary's pov.

↑ Their willingness to help the pretty stranger they didn't know.

They both often felt they didn't have a choice in some things.

They both felt achingly alone at some point. And very much misunderstood.

The thought of losing the only family they ever had scared them, and they were willing to do anything to keep them. Even if in Céline's case hers wasn't that real.

They were both said to be beautiful, and breakable. Fragile almost. These were Jocelyn's words. That beautiful things were easily broken.

They both grew up denied of love and care.

Céline had low self esteem in a lot of areas. We often see Jace as the confident character who doesn't have insecurities or low self-esteem. but he does. Jace didn't like himself, his looks don't play a part here, he didn't like himself. He actually didn't feel good enough or worth much, that's why he made so many superiority jokes, because he truly didn't feel good enough but had to make everyone believe he did. Céline didn't feel good enough either, but she tried not to let it show.

Their childhood gave them bad coping mechanisms and suicidal tendencies. They both self harmed in ways, believing that pain made you stronger is one of them.

We often look over the fact that while some of Jace's mental struggles did come from the trauma of his childhood and growing up around war, that he was already at a high risk with a mother who experienced similar things. Because if you have a parent who has mental illness the offspring are at higher risk of developing one. And his childhood didn't help with that.

And we know what they both truly wanted was to be loved and safe. Really. Jace always thought he wanted to fight all the time, but by the end of tmi he realized he just truly wanted to be happy and left alone, he just wanted Clary and his family. Céline wanted that too, but she never got it.

You all realize they would understand each other, right? Like if Cassie ever did something where they somehow met, Céline would understand Jace and he would understand her.

Céline would have never raised Jace with anything but love and care. She would have made sure he never knew a childhood like hers. But he did. He ended up knowing what that was like. And it would have broken her even more to know that.

But she would probably stab Valentine in the face, which I'd like to see.

Friendly reminder that Jace looks like her around the eyes (no I won't shut up about this.)

There's probably more but until we learn more we won't know. Just remember he may be a Herondale but Céline is also there.

@khaleesiofalicante I tagged you 😎

[personuhh]

okay so awhile ago you posted something about Yosuke (crazy, right?) and in the tags I believe you mentioned something about how you don’t like Yosukes parents? Could you elaborate? bc I have not stopped thinking about it since you mentioned it (sorry this is so vague my memory is horrid skjdjfjgj)

OYSUEJGHHBKEJHDSGVDH oh my god okay SO. At first I just got ~vibes~ from him... like, I couldn’t quite pin down what made me think he had abusive parents, because obviously he never says anything to indicate it explicitly, but then I started noticing... small things.

I don’t want to say outright that I think they’re abusive (physically or verbally) and I also don’t think that Yosuke hates them, or necessarily even sees anything wrong with how they treat him, but I do think that their behavior has severely impacted Yosuke and led to a lot of the negative traits he displays.

To me, the most telling example is this conversation where he talks about Teddie being praised by his parents for being “thoughtful” very pointedly in front of him. It seems to be a reoccurring thing where they compare him to other people (primarily Teddie) and make him feel inferior. Yosuke’s a bit of a pushover, and frequently gets taken advantage of monetarily, and in this case he’s caved and lent Teddie a significant chunk of his savings for their trip to Tatsumi Port Island... only for him to spend it on presents to suck up to Yosuke’s parents which makes Yosuke look unthoughtful. Yosuke clearly sees it that way, even if Teddie hadn’t intentionally planned it out from the start as such (he calls Teddie “surprisingly shrewd”).

Yosuke gets told off either because a) he didn’t want to fight back/argue, and instead just took a passive stance instead of telling his parents that he was the one to lend Teddie the money in the first place, and thus didn’t have any left to buy them gifts, or b) his parents think so little of him that they don’t believe him at all. He specifically says he doubts his parents understand, which makes me think that he did try to explain the situation.

There are also several instances of a large Junes event being Yosuke’s responsibility, or at least of him thinking that he has to scramble to make things work, like the Junes concert, where he says he’ll have to move away if it doesn’t pan out; maybe this is his own thinking, but I also wouldn’t be surprised if it was something his dad said to scare him into helping, especially considering he MUST know that Yosuke is friends with Rise, or the time during the summer where he calls Yu and begs him to help out. Yosuke isn’t a manager, but he’s still got all the responsibilities of one, and even tries his best to work out other employees’ problems as well (look at his SL).

The Junes concert in particular really sent up some red flags for me, especially because Yosuke says this.

“Awfully nice for some reason”?

Yosuke’s got terrible self-esteem, there are countless times where he’s shown to be overwhelmed and embarrassed by completely genuine praise from his friends. In one of the drama CDs he mentions that he intentionally doesn’t try his best in school because he doesn’t want to disappoint himself by doing poorly while also knowing that he gave his all. It really makes me think that his parents just have an abysmally low opinion of him, and he’s adopted that same view of himself.

There’s also several scenes where he talks about his parents finding his porn (or Teddie showing it to them) and in his SL he says his mom “read the title out loud to [his] family” which on top of obviously indicating his family is pretty conservative about that kind of thing, also means he’s had to learn to be secretive with them to some extent. In Arena, Yosuke’s mother goes as far as burning the porn Teddie finds. Even if it's meant to be humorous, Yosuke's property is still being destroyed.

Now these next few things are more... abstract and can definitely be argued, but personally I still find them important to point out when discussing the topic.

Yosuke obviously struggles with toxic masculinity, and similarly to Kanji, feels like he needs to be the ideal, strong man that protects the weak, etc. Even without looking at specific dialogue, you can tell that Yosuke’s been raised to think he needs to be a “real” man, that displaying more “feminine” behaviors is a sign of weakness; because that isn’t just subtextual, it’s something he very visibly displays, it’s part of his arc. He can’t mourn and cry, he has to get revenge (because he couldn’t protect Saki at the time and he watched helplessly as she died, it makes it his fault), he says hugs are for girls (a common sentiment, but he had to learn it from somewhere), and any time he slips up and reveals his actual feelings, he has to overcompensate, let everyone know that he’s just your average teenage boy who’s definitely interested in women. Yosuke’s not the most masculine guy, he likes fashion and cares about his appearance (the bar is so low) and I’d bet that if he were given space to explore his interests without any expectations, he might actually find he’s into stuff that goes against what he’s been taught. He admits to liking crossdressing, then walks it back; not because he’s ashamed of it (on the contrary, once he realizes people found him cute, he openly brags about it), but because he thinks he SHOULD be ashamed of it.

It’s why he feels so threatened by Kanji, who completely takes him by surprise when he realizes his outer appearance and interests don’t match up. Now Yosuke’s got to compete with Kanji over who’s the manliest, show that he’s not like Kanji, because Kanji’s already accepted that side of himself, and it totally goes against everything Yosuke’s been taught to think is “normal”.

So then we look at lines like this.

On its own it’s nothing special, but it’s not just the slogan itself, it’s the way that Yosuke specifically says that his dad is still saying it. Combining this with what I mentioned previously about Yosuke’s behavior, and a few other tidbits, like Teddie mentioning that he watches violent war movies with Yosuke’s dad, it definitely makes me think he’s the type of guy who’d try and push Yosuke into being more masculine, being a traditional, unshakable, unemotional man.

Lastly, there’s the recently identified album on Yosuke’s shelf in arena, and what do you know, one of the songs on it (The Chain, by Mr. Big) has these lyrics...

In my mind, I see Yosuke’s mother as an incredibly controlling, strict woman who expects her son to be utterly perfect, and even when he’s good, it’s never good enough. Yosuke’s father is busy with Junes, and while he isn’t around the house too often, Yosuke sees him at work quite a bit, large and in-charge, not allowing anyone to see weakness, he leans on his son because he can’t bring himself to ask for help. Yosuke’s left to pick up the slack, and he’s taught by example that relying on others is cowardly, that being intimidating gets you further than being “nice”. Even though Yosuke obviously goes against this, he can't fully commit for fear of standing out and disappointing his parents, and that makes him passive; he ends up being a pushover, and neither of his parents are happy about that. He’s a “disappointment” to them, it’s one of his defining traits that everyone loves to bring up. It's something that's shown to really get under his skin, but he can never do much more than get angry, because he truly thinks he is a disappointment, he doesn't think highly of himself, even if he protests.

Maybe I’m reading into all of these things a little too much, but... I don’t know, I’ve said it before, but I just don’t see how half of Yosuke’s personality would have been shaped by anything other than his parents being Not Great.

[mehbzz]

FFXV A/B/O au 18+ includes fingering, yandere, controlling behaviour, alludes to forced breeding, depression, mentions of self harm, low self esteem/weight issues. F!reader/Ignis/Gladio

So this was going to be a pretty dark forced breeding kinda fic but my mood changed and it ended up being half the beginning of a forced breeding fic and half depressed reader suffering from a depressive episode. The change in my mood is very noticeable half way though and probably a little jarring so we shall pretend that the second half happens a month or two after the first half, when the topic of kids has been soothed over and temporarily forgotten! No proofreading, no beta.

EDIT- Just correcting a typo that was annoying me!

“….having children.”

“What??” You’d been spacing out, a mixture of the Eos version of antidepressants you were taking and the fact that this meeting with King Regis was more than a little boring. Or had been at least. The end of Regis’ sentence shocks you back into reality abruptly.

Ignis shushes you quietly and you look at him aghast, but he ignores you, focusing on the King.

“Apologies Your Majesty.” Regis briefly glances at you then back to Ignis, “She is your mate? Bonded?” “Yes Your Majesty, myself and Gladiolus.”

Regis looks back at you “And the nature of your relationship with my son is….?”

Ignis answers before you can, “She is companion to all pack members.”

“Can she speak for herself?” Your gaze flicks to Ignis and he nods. “Yes Your Majesty I can.” You feel foolish and more than a little embarrassed as your voice echoes in the hall.

“Your pack keeps you close, understandably so, although I have heard you do not have much freedom?” The King watches you, waiting for a reply you think but you’re not sure what to say. “She’s very quiet isn’t she?” It feels like a jab, and you look at Ignis for direction who looks uncomfortable. He shakes his head minutely so you bite your tongue. Regis sighs and you feel a little like you just missed an opportunity.

“I believe that as Pack Alpha and as The Prince of Lucis Noctis should have first breeding rights.”

Ignis freezes and you bite your tongue so hard you taste blood. Breeding rights?? “I am unsure if that is something Noctis –“

“It doesn't matter,” The King interrupts with a wave of his hand. “I let my son live as independently as possible, and have allowed him to start his own pack but having an omega is an opportunity to continue the Caelum line. An opportunity we may not see again and one that should not be denied.”

You feel incredibly taken off guard with this whole conversation. “You cannot be – “

Ignis grabs your hand and silences you with a tight squeeze of your fingers. You must be dreaming right? This is not truly happening. The floor feels like its tilting beneath you and you have to look down at your feet to make sure it’s not.

“I will let you discuss it with Noctis and within your pack but I hope you will not forget my opinion or interest in this matter.” Regis gazes at you for a few seconds. “Apologise to Noctis on my behalf, I will not be able to make our dinner this evening.”

Ignis bows and you reluctantly do the same. You feel dazed. Ignis tight grip on your hand doesn’t let up as you leave the throne room. He keeps giving you concerned glances out the corner of his eye as you walk back to your quarters, but it takes you until you’re walking down the corridor to your room that you shake yourself out of your stunned stupor enough to say anything.

“Did we just negotiate over which one of you gets to knock me up?” You ask incredulous. He doesn’t answer you but he frowns at your choice of words.

“Ignis, you – please tell me I just hallucinated that whole meeting.”

He sighs “we will need to discuss it.”

“You are not serious. The answer is no!” “It's an omegas role.” He snaps and you flinch, not used to Ignis’ anger.

“My apologies. If the King has taken an interest we will need to discuss it.” he repeats.

“He cant make me have children.”

Ignis hesitates barely a fraction of a second but it’s enough to send a pulse of terror through you that he immediately picks up on. he stops, turning towards you and cradling your face in his hands. “I nor the rest of your pack would force you into anything you didn’t want love.” He lets you go and takes your hands again. “However it is the future of the royal bloodline, it will be something we need to talk about seriously in the future, whether we want to or not.” “We do not! I don’t want kids Ignis!” He flinches and something dark flickers across his face as he looks at you. It’s gone before you can interpret it as he turns away, pulling you after him as he continues walking.

You feel tired. “I thought I was your mate,” you say sullenly “not Noctis’.” “You are, unfortunately it’s more complicated than that.” You think you should be more upset by this than you currently feel. The medication you were on was new and felt a lot stronger than the antidepressants you had been taking back home. It left you feeling a little more numb and placid than you think you would have been otherwise.

He stops outside your room and pulls you into a kiss. Moaning softly when you immediately respond. He’s purring, trying to comfort you and you give in to the calm emotions it provokes, not wanting to feel the disorientated confusion anymore.

He leans closer, pushing you into the wall and his hand tugs up your dress until your thighs are bare. “You did well talking to the King, I was proud of you.” His praise makes you shiver. You thought Gladio was the one with the high sex drive but as his fingers stroke up your thighs you think Ignis is just as bad. Although a little more polite and less aggressive about it perhaps.

You're both quiet as his fingers slip between your thighs and he rubs softly at your clit. He presses harder and increases his pace at your gentle sigh and you turn to bury your face into his neck as the pleasure builds. You’re panting into his neck and he has his face buried in your hair, you’re not sure why you feel like you have to be quiet but you do your best to hold back your moans. He’s saying nothing, breathing hard he slips his hand up, pressing onto your abdomen before dipping into your panties and sliding a gloved finger inside of you. He gives you no time to adjust before he starts fucking you, like he’s desperate to make you cum. His palm grinds against your clit as he adds another finger, your orgasm is building fast, and as he continues his ruthless pace you feel another kind of pressure building slowly low in your stomach. It makes you gasp out his name in mild alarm, “Sl-slow down, I’m gonna pee!” He nuzzles against your ear, his purr increasing in volume. “No you’re not love, just relax,” he nips at your ear, “Let go for me.” He curls his fingers, stroking your walls quickly in just the right way to have your back arching. It’s a quick hard orgasm that takes you by surprise and has your whole body jerking and shaking as you ride out the aftershocks, biting into his shoulder as you try to control your twitching muscles. He seems a little disappointed but he’s still purring quietly and it helps calm your racing pulse. “Good Girl” he slowly withdraws his hand and removes his gloves. Leaning around you to open your door he gives you another quick kiss. “Noctis will be disappointed about this evening, perhaps we should eat together?” Your legs feel shaky as you enter, Prompto is sat on your couch, watching what sounds like a musical and Gladio appears in front of you, pulling you into a kiss before you can even say hello. The kiss Gladio gives you is ravenous, his teeth nipping at your bottom lip. Both hands squeeze your ass as you try to pull away, conscious of the growing slick between your already wet thighs. “Gladio!” He chuckles at your breathless gasp and pulls away, letting you go. He slaps your ass hard as you walk away, almost crossing the line into genuinely painful but he only grins at your glare. You wince as you sit down next to Prompto and he gives you a sympathetic smile. He pats his knee “Lie down.”

Head resting in Prompto lap you half-heartedly watch the musical as he enthusiastically tells you the plot. You gaze flicks between the TV and Ignis and Gladio talking quietly by the door. You can’t make out what they’re saying but you have no doubt what they’re talking about. You’re still a little shook from your meeting with King Regis but you trust your pack to look after you. --------- “She looked to me for permission.” “hmm?” “When the King spoke to her. She looked to me before answering.” Gladio surprises him with a kiss to his cheek. “We trained her well.” “It’s not the way I wanted this topic brought up.” Ignis says after a few seconds and relaxes a little as Gladio strokes a hand down his back. “I didn’t realise that was what the King wished to discuss.” “Relax babe. We’ll do damage control, it’ll be fine.” Gladio watches Ignis expression closely, “She wasn’t happy with the idea I take it?” “She said No. Emphatically.” They both stand there quietly, watching you as you’re subjected to Prompto’s retelling of the film’s plot. “Accidents happen.” Gladio says quietly. Ignis frowns. “She’s on birth control and heat suppressants.” “You're in charge of her medication Iggy” Ignis finally looks at him, but says nothing. “Who can really tell one little pill from another?” Gladio shrugs. “Just saying.”

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“Noctis said you cancelled your plans with him today.” Ignis stands next to your bed watching you. He frowns slightly when you don’t respond, gently pressing the back of his hand to your forehead. You push him away and he sits next to you on the mattress. He sits and waits watching you patiently until you give in and make eye contact with him. He's worried about you, it’s written clearly across his face and it makes you feel ill. You shrug. You're half expecting him to force you to go anyway.

“Bad day?”

You don't answer and snuggle deeper into your duvet.

“Love?”

“I'm fine,” It’s an automatic answer and a lie. “Just tired.” Not quite another lie but close enough. You are tired. Just not the type of tired that's going to be helped by the 12 hour nap you want to take. You try to force a smile but it feels awkward and it’s obviously not convincing from Ignis expression.

He sighs and cautiously shifts a little closer but you flinch away when he goes to stroke your hair. It's a dirty greasy mess and the thought of Ignis touching it fills you with disgust and embarrassment.

“Don’t.” His nostrils flare as he scents you and the surge of hatred for that invasion of privacy makes you feel physically sick. Nothing is ever just yours anymore.

“Talk to me love, I care about you.”

“Why?”

It's a choked sob and you angrily bite your lip in an effort to stop the tears.

“Because I love you.”

“Well you shouldn't.” It’s a snappy angry retort but he doesn’t flinch or pull away.

He reaches forward, gently brushing some of your hair away from your face. “Sit up.” You scowl but you do as he commands. He pulls your hair gently in to a ponytail, combing his finger slowly through it to ease the knots before tying it with a band.

“Have you eaten today?” You shake your head reluctantly. You hadn’t even got out of bed today let alone eaten or drunk anything. “Have you taken your medication?” His questions and attention are starting to irritate you. You just want to be left alone. “Love?” You shrug. You genuinely don’t remember. “I can take care of myself.” “Can you?” You don’t reply, annoyed at his patronizing, but probably correct assumption and instead lie back down and curl up into a tighter ball and try to ignore him. He sighs and entwines his fingers through yours despite your attempt to pull your hand away.

“I will go get you something to eat.”

You don’t want to eat but you want to be left alone so you nod. He looks almost sad, maybe disappointed and it feels you with a surge of guilt.

”Tell Noct I'm sorry”

“You have nothing to be sorry for love, but I will talk to him?”

It's a question and it surprises you for some reason.

You don't want him to know, it makes you feel pathetic. Ignis notices the way your thoughts have gone and links his fingers back through yours. “He'll understand.” He squeezes your hand on the last word and you look up at him. Noctis is the one most likely to understand you know that but it's still embarrassing.

“I won't tell him anything you don't want me to, just enough to ease his concerns.”

You nod reluctantly, but the thought that Noctis could genuinely be worried about you feels absurd. “Will you be safe on your own?” his gaze sweeps down your arm as he stands, you know what he’s looking for, what he’s thinking, and you feel irritated at yourself for having shared so much with him in the past. The frustration at his question is unfair, you know that but you still feel it.

“I’ll stay.” Gladio’s voice interrupts your reply. You watch with increasing exasperation as they talk quietly by the door, wishing they'd just go away before Ignis comes back to you. You squeeze your eyes shut and try to ignore his intense gaze. He presses a gentle kiss to your forehead and entwines his fingers back through yours. You crack open an eye when he doesn’t move away. He looks so concerned about you that you find yourself crying before you can stop yourself. “I’m sorry.” It’s half choked half sobbed from your throat. “You don’t need to be sorry” he repeats. He makes no move to come closer and you feel grateful for that. You don’t think you can handle too much affection without breaking down completely.

“Why do you put up with me?” you whisper, voice cracking. “I don’t do anything, I can’t fight, I can’t help with hunts, I just do nothing. I’m a burden.” “Love.” he sighs. “You are not a burden.” He kisses your palm. “You are a part of our pack. Our omega. Our mate.” He kisses you. “We love you.” “Why?” you sniffle. You can’t wrap your head around it. He wipes away your tears with a sad smile, “Because I do, because it’s you.” You’ve fooled him somehow, tricked him into loving you. Your stomach twists painfully.

“I won’t be long.” “Ok.” It’s a weak feeble reply but he doesn’t pull away from you, instead waits until you let go of his hand. You watch him leave, expecting him to go and not return now he’s seen what you are truly like until Gladio steps in front, blocking your view.

He stands next to your bed, arms crossed as he looks down at you. “Can I?”

You hesitate in answering and he takes that as a yes.

“Move over,” he says expectantly. Pushing his way into your bed and nudging you gently with his elbow when you don’t move.

You feel guilty that he’s having to stay with you, the urge to make it up to him is strong. You hook your leg over his and slide your calf over this crotch. He grunts in surprise and grabs your leg. “Relax baby.”

“You don't want to?” You're not surprised really, you probably don't look or smell very attractive right now but it still hurts. Why would he stay if you can't give him what he wants?

“Always, but we're napping right now.”

You don't believe him, and even though you don't even want to have sex you still feel the sting of rejection. He notices and presses a kiss to your forehead. Grabbing your wrist he tugs your hand to his crotch. “I'm always half hard for you omega.” And he is. You curl your hand around the bulge in his pants and squeeze tightly. His hips jerk forward and he chuckles pulling your hand away to rest on his chest. “No, don’t be naughty.”

You slump down on his chest, somewhat sullenly, still a little sore from his rejection.

You lose yourself in Gladio’s presence for a while, his heart beat strong and steady in your ear. “Wanna talk?”

“No, just cuddle.”

“I can do that.” He tightens his grip around you, pulling you until you are practically on top of him.

The self hatred comes back and you tense. You try to pull back but he tightens his hold.

“What's wrong?”

“I'm –“ Was he really going to make you say it?

“I'm heavy.” You mumble it into his chest.

“What?”

“Aren't I too heavy?”

“No you’re perfect.” he slides his hands down your sides to your ass. “I love every inch of you,” he continues his movements, gripping your thighs. “You know how much Prompto goes on about these thighs? Gets me jealous with the amount of marks he leaves on them.”

You want to cry. He freezes as your breath hitches.

“We can work on it if it's something you really want baby.” He says it hesitantly, quietly, like he's scared of upsetting you further. Linking his fingers with yours he tugs your hand to rest over his heart.

You don’t know if it is something you want, you can’t separate the dark voice in your head from the logical one. But he’s listening to you. He’s not dismissing you, and he’s definitely not ignoring you and it makes the tears run freely again. Youre not worth such care. His free hand is still wandering, soothing strokes that start at the nape of your neck, swirl down your spine to your ass and dip just barely under the hem of your shirt. It’s a soft gentle caress and even when his hands slip a little higher under your shirt there’s nothing but love and tenderness in his touch. “You’re sexy and you’re smart,” he kisses your thumb, “funny, kind,” he makes his way along your fingers with each word, a kiss pressed to the tip of each one. “brave, and my favourite kind of brat.” he nips at your pinky with the last word, before moving onto your other hand. His hands still when he hears you sniff. ”Want me to stop?”

You bury your face into his chest to hide your tears. “Yes,” you hiccup “No.”

He squeezes you tighter and lets your hand drop, resuming his touch down your back.

“and I like you on top of me,” he says his voice dropping to a low whisper “I love watching you ride me.”

His horniness is predictable, and you smile into his neck, and although it doesn't last long it is a genuine smile.

“I felt that.”

You feel him relax underneath you, he’s not purring but you feel grateful for that.

You're still tired, still sad but the heavy dark emptiness in your chest lessens slightly as you lay there and listen to Gladio’s heartbeat. You feel like you can breathe a little easier. You turn on to your side away from him and all though he looks apprehensive he lets you go.

You shift and squirm until you are comfortable on your front and reach behind you to pull Gladio’s arm across your back. He goes willingly, only resisting when you try to drag him on top of you. “The weight feels good. Please? It makes me feel,-“ It’s hard to describe how it makes you feel exactly, “…safe.” You finish quietly. He opens his mouth to reply and you beat him to it. “No talking, just squish.” His amused huff rustles your hair but he does as he’s told, draping himself over you until your half wedged under him and wrapped tight in his arms.

“I lo-“ “Don’t” you interrupt him quickly, with a surge of panic. You can’t hear that right now. “I’m- I cant. Not now.” You’re pretty sure you’re not making sense, that he’s not going to understand. “Ok.” It's murmured against your hair, a simple acknowledgment but it makes you feel better. “Can I touch you?” You nod and he slips his warm hand under your shirt to rest across your ribs just under your breasts, holding you snugly against him. It still doesn't sit quite right. His affection, his obvious care, still feels alien, wrong, like it’s meant for someone else. The feeling that you’ve tricked them into caring about you and your depressed mood still linger, and probably will for a while. But you’ve been through this before, you’ve made it through this before, and with the sound of Gladio’s steady breathing in your ear as he holds you, the heavy emptiness in your chest lessens a little bit more.

[ashotrangout]

 Reading wayyyyy too much into media is my pastime so here are some more incoherent thoughts. None of this makes any sense because I’ve lost all perspective lol

 The thing that make my tiny brain go feral about season two Jo and Brad’s relationship progression is : WHAT IS IN IT FOR BRAD? Or :WHY DOES HE CARE ABOUT JO SO MUCH? (long ass post below)

 Like throughout the season, Brad encourages Jo several times, even reassuring her she would be a shark one day(before all went haywire and he called her a bottom feeder of course), gives her advises and surmountable missions to help her grow and for what? I love Jo but objectively she was just some assistant that had turned on him at the first sign of his perceived weakness, betrayed him for his worst enemy, and revealed his vulnerabilities in front of the whole team. So what was Brad thinking, in mentoring her and going to freaking jail for her?

At Please Sign Here, we are given two explanations (by Jo) about Brad’s motivation for taking in Jo as his protege ; as for almost every thing that Brad does, one selfish  and one altruistic. The selfish explanation is that Brad had to pull Jo close and surveillance her because he was secretly scared of her potential. The second one, the altruistic explanation is that Brad felt sorry for Jo working in a dead-end Job for David, who has neither competence nor ambition, anything Jo could learn from to become more powerful. 

But those two explanations do NOT hold the same weight, because the first explanation does not make much sense. If Brad himself had not encouraged her, she might have given up on “becoming a shark” and thus undermining him long ago bc, as brutal and savage she might seem, we know that Jo has fragile self-worth as given a glimpse at grouchy goat. Besides, what could Brad have seen in Jo that scared him, when he worked at a completely different department?

 Secondly, and even more importantly, who the hell goes to the jail for a coworker? Hell, most people wouldn’t even bite that big of a bullet for a family member. Sure he did it for “street cred” but we all know that’s bullshit, or at least less than half of a truth, because if he just wanted to get jailed he could’ve committed the crime himself anytime. Plus that little smile Jo and Brad exchanged tells everything. Brad probably did think he was getting something out of it, but not a little part was done for Jo. Why did he do it? Why did he go to a jail for some coworker that he neither owes any favors nor could receive any in the near future?

My theory is that Brad saw himself in Jo, and that made him want to help her and believe in her. On the surface level those two are already pretty similar ; Brad and Jo both (generally) lack empathy and are goal-focused rather than people focused, are brutal and cruel at times, don’t care for social niceties and don’t hesitate to play dirty if needed, etc ;  all traits that are scorned by all others in the office but  admired by them.

 But - here’s the thing that I think is actually more important-  moreover, they are the only ones that understood each other’s “weak” or “soft” side. In Grouchy Goat and YumYum, we find out that Jo breaks down and talks down to herself whenever she fails at a given task or is demeaned by someone(Dana and Rachel, rightfully, telling her off). In breaking Brad, we find out the same thing about Brad. Brad is somewhat better at keeping the breakdowns to himself while Jo , more inexperienced and more unstable, has those episodes with other people - cw, Dana, Rachel - in the hearing range. This doesn’t have any canon ground but I think we can speculate that either Brad saw Jo in one of those states or somehow guessed it. I think seeing Jo with those weaknesses had possibly endeared Jo to Brad, maybe at a subconscious level. I think Brad truly wanted Jo to succeed, by not letting her go to prison without even getting to use her skills that she learned under Brad.

 On the other hand, when Jo found out that her mentor at the time had the same weakness as herself in Breaking Brad, I think she had ended up despising him instead. I think that is because she saw the part of her that she hated in brad. People with low self-esteem often idolizes someone, then when they inevitably  finds out that someone was not what they expected, projects the their self-hate  and ends up hating them. I think that phenomenon is what explains the heel-face turn of “Mr. Bakshi isn’t insecure of anything. He’s the best mentor I’ve ever had” to “not sure what I can learn from a mouse”.

[honeypirate]

Hey! If it's okay with you, could you make something about All Might with a gf who's a little on the chubbier side, and she feels a little bad about it so he tries to make her feel better? Thank you and I hope you have a nice day/ night! ✨🐹

Hey I hope you like this! I kind of went hard because I relate lol but anyway and since it wasn’t specified as hero form all might I went with true form all might.

If anyone is having hard days with body image or otherwise and has no one to talk to, my messages are always open! I will understand and hear you and give you space to feel everything you feel without being judged or mocked! I love you!

❤︎❤︎❤︎❤︎❤︎❤︎❤︎❤︎❤︎❤︎❤︎❤︎❤︎❤︎❤︎❤︎❤︎❤︎❤︎❤︎❤︎❤︎❤︎❤︎❤︎❤︎

God you hated days like these. Days where you wake up and you’re aware of every little crease and crevice of your skin, where you can’t help but avoid looking at yourself in the mirror.  Getting ready for work meant making sure you only looked at your face, putting on clothing you already know looks good and just trusting that it still did, and avoiding the full length mirror in your bedroom and the one in the hallway. You didn’t feel like this always, you just had random bad days, so you didn’t feel like talking about it every time it happened. Most of the people close to you don’t even know you feel like this.

Your quirk was healing related and you worked as a personal on call doctor for heroes and the public, that’s how you met All Might. He came into your office one day for a second opinion on his health issues, which at the time you didn’t know was him, he presented you with facts about the patient and you gave him the same answer as the rest of the experts he asked. He was considering making you his regular doctor, but ultimately he didn’t change his doctor and instead asked you to dinner. Which in a way he did make you his personal doctor when you fell in love with each other…

You got a call from UA and groaned after you hung up, you were already having a tough day when you were called to heal several beautiful and fit heroes already, now you’re going to the school where one of the sexiest heroes the world knew worked. Your self esteem was low as ever, the only thing that makes you move forwards is the chance to see the one man who always cheered you up.

When you get to the school the one person you were hoping to avoid was the one to greet you “hey Midnight, where am I needed” you say through a forced smile. She was an amazing person and you always loved to talk to her whenever you had the chance, but today it was hard to not notice how perfect her body was and how it was shown off with her hero outfit. “Thank you for coming so quickly, Recovery Girl is out for the day so you’re a lifesaver. A couple students got into a fight, it’s not bad enough for a hospital but does require a doctor” you nod and swallow hard as you notice her thighs and flat belly, two parts of you that have extra fat and the ones that you’re struggling with today. You push the thoughts from your mind, suddenly more aware of the tightness of your skirt on your butt and belly.

You head to the restroom after doing your job and look at yourself in the mirror sideways, raising your arm up as you pick yourself apart. “Damn” you whisper before washing your hands and sighing as you open the door.

“Knock knock” you say as you stop in the doorway of his classroom “hey sweetheart!” He says and pushes back from his desk and comes over to you, pulling you into his arms. You should be focused on how good he smells with your face on his neck but you can’t fake it with him. You instead place your forehead on his chest and frown.

He feels that something’s wrong, you’re quiet and not your usual bright self. His hands move up and down your back softly and he kicks his door closed behind you. “Baby what’s wrong?” He asks and you feel your eyes burn as you screw them shut. “Just having a hard day” you voice showing how hard you were forcing yourself not to cry. “Will you tell me about it?” He feels your tears through the front of his shirt, his stomach sinking and his heart breaking. He hates seeing you sad.

 “You’ll think that I’m dumb” you whisper, your voice shaking. “Impossible” he says softly and runs his fingers through your hair. You took a deep shaky breath and tilted your head so your mouth wasn’t pressed against him, so he would hear you as you spoke, so you wouldn’t have to say it twice because you’ll know it’ll hurt when you say it. 

“I just feel like I take up too much space. I’ve healed many wonderful beautiful heroes today and I can’t stop thinking about how I don’t even compare to them because of how different my body is. I have extra fat and skin on my body, more than others and I feel lesser for that. I feel so ugly and it hurts. I feel like I should apologize for not being better. for not being more fit. For choosing to enjoy food instead of being skinny. And usually I can see that I’m pretty and that’s what hurts the most, thinking and convincing myself that I’ve just been stupid by believing I am enough with this gross body.” your hands pull at your stomach as you talk, you next words barely audible to him “and I’m afraid that you’ll want to leave me for someone with a better body, one with a flat stomach and skinny thighs and butt, that you’ll one day realize that I’m not sexy and fall out of love with me”

He held his breath as you spoke, his hands stopping their movement on your back, his heart breaking for you, it kills him to hear you so completely defeated. He lets out the breath he was holding and pulls you tighter against his chest “y/n, my angel, I’m so sorry you feel like this. Thank you for trusting me and telling me how you’re feeling.” He leans back and takes your cheeks in his hands, wiping your tears from your cheeks and kissing your forehead before looking back into your eyes. “I love your body because you’re in it and I love you.” You feel your heart flutter at his words, your hands coming up to hold his wrists as he holds your cheeks, looking deep into your eyes as he continues “I understand where you’re coming from my love, but fat isn’t a bad thing and your body isn’t all that you are. I know how easy it is to define ourselves based on physical appearance and prioritize that over our other qualities of who we are but as I said, your body isn’t all you are. Body shapes mean nothing in the long run. What does mean the most in the long run is the way you trust me, the way we communicate, the way you wave at every dog you see, the way you tie your hair up on lazy sundays when we cook breakfast together, that little dance you do when we get ice cream, the way you truly care about everyone you meet, and your cheesecake recipe because that has truly changed my life” you chuckle softly and he smiles at you, his thumbs brushing against your cheeks “ and for the record, I love your belly. I think it’s cute and I love to lay my head on it. And your ass and thighs'' he moans “sometimes I can’t stop staring at them because of how much i love them. You are so incredibly sexy, intelligent, and sweet. God baby I could make a list 500 miles long about everything I love about you. Trust me when I say you are exactly what I need and want and love, body and all, Forever”

Tears are falling from your eyes again, sweet happy tears this time, your heart overflowing with love for this man, and feeling so much better, not completely okay but you definitely wouldn’t have many more issues today. “Yagi” you whisper “I love you so much” he kisses your lips softly “to me, you are perfect. I can’t imagine a life without you by my side” you nod gently in his grasp “thank you. I’m so lucky to have you” he shakes his head “I think you have that opposite. I’m definitely the lucky one in this relationship. You always are there for me and you have my back through all my hard days. I will always have your back on your bad days. That’s what partners do. That’s what you do when you truly love someone.” You wrap your arms around his back and he lets go of your cheeks as you bury your face in his neck and hold him tight “how about I cook dinner tonight and we can cuddle and watch a movie” he says as you kiss his neck, “sounds like heaven to me” you whisper and he chuckles “everyday is heaven for me because my partner is an angel” you blush and chuckle “an angel is a fitting partner for the symbol of peace” he chuckles and you pull back to smile up at him “are you feeling better my love?” He asks and you nod “thank you Yagi, you have no idea how much you truly mean to me. I love you so much” he kisses your forehead again as his class door opens and students start to come in. “Call me after your class?” You ask and he nods leaning in to whisper in your ear “I love you y/n. I’ll always be here for you”

You didn’t feel 100%, but you did feel significantly better about yourself. It’s easy to get in your head and think yourself in circles until you feel like you’re gonna die. You felt grateful to have someone you felt safe to talk about things with, even if you convince yourself that you’re just being stupid, it’s a blessing to have someone you can talk to without be afraid that they will judge you or laugh. You felt lighter for sure as you finished out your work day and when you walked inside your apartment you looked at yourself in the mirror at the end of the hall and smiled, truly smiled, as you saw everything that Toshinori loved instead of everything the world doesn’t.

[sepublic]

Ok no one else is saying it so I will: the fact that Lilith in Wing it Like Witches basically had a mental breakdown over losing the grugeby match and having to go back to the Emperor empty-handed really makes me wonder what kinda fucked up stuff Belos might do to Lilith. I mean it's already implied that he's abusive to her so I wouldn't be surprised if she was getting severe undeserved punishments for not bringing Eda back.

           Honestly, I suspect Lilith is just highly sensitive to failure in general… I wouldn’t be surprised if she was harshly punished for every mistake she made as a child, given the comparisons of the Coven System to the American school system- And if Lilith is neurodivergent just as Luz, Eda, and Amity are coded to be, then it’d hit even harder for her. So even if there isn’t an actual punishment waiting for her, necessarily; Lilith still freaks out and braces for the worst and just feels utterly terrible, because she’s been conditioned to do so.

           Especially since Lilith likely has a lot of self-esteem issues about never being good as Eda, always being the lesser sister… As Lilith herself said, Eda may have been star player- But I think Lilith took a lot of solace in being team captain, and believing this role certified her as being at least on Eda’s level when it came to sports, if not above it. So having a definitive match between the two prove once and for all that, yes, Eda IS better at Lilith at Grudgby, just as she’s better at everything else… This realization could’ve really broken Lilith in a lot of ways.

           Not to mention, failing the Grudgby game also means failing to bring back Eda- And Lilith has both selfish and altruistic reasons to do so. Lilith wants Eda by her side, and she wants her sister cured; Once again, the chance for this has beaten her. Lilith also wants to protect Eda from Belos, who has begun to crack down on wild witches more as the Day of Unity approaches… So she knows that Eda’s time is running out, in addition to knowing the curse is worsening. To Lilith, she’s not just failing herself on multiple levels- She’s failing her sister once again, and she’s running out of time and chances to make up for her past sins.

           It’d also reflect badly on Lilith to the rest of the Emperor’s Coven, as well as Belos and Kikimora… Lilith clearly dislikes Kiki and wants to prove her otherwise- And Lilith still admires Belos and looks up to him a lot. I can see Lilith being grateful to Belos for giving her a chance to prove herself by letting her into his coven, for even bestowing upon her the title of Head Witch (because deep down Lilith feels like she never truly earns anything and it’s given to her only by the grace of others, she only got into the EC because Eda forfeited for her)… And Belos constantly giving Lilith these chances, and being willing to cure Eda and let her into his coven, surely it means he somewhat trusts her- And that again, Belos is doing so much for her.

           Lilith would hate to disappoint someone she looks up to, someone who’s clearly setting aside a lot of patience just to put up with her, and she wants to pay them back because she feels undeserving… She’d be failing Belos and his plans, which clearly intend the greater good for the Boiling Isles- So in a way, Lilith is failing the Isles as well… And I wouldn’t be surprised if Lilith realized at some point that her own apprentice was also disappointed in her for the Covention incident. So to Lilith, she’s been a recently increasing stream of disappointment to those who trust her, look up to her, and in some ways hurting those she cares about or feels obligated for.

          I imagine Lilith feels like she causes a lot of harm in general, so she seeks to offset this by being a helpful and productive member of society, and probably justifies her participation in Belos’ corruption by believing it’s all for the greater good, which then just contributes to Lilith justifying hurting Eda ‘for her own good’. Lilith wants to think she’s worthwhile, that her continued existence and people’s patience with her is justifiable and will pay off, because clearly she’s put a lot of stock and work into things under the hopes that it’ll all be worth it in the end. Kind of like how Lilith believes it’s okay to curse Eda, because it’ll be worth it when she gets into the Emperor’s Coven- That it’s worth buying into its ideology and being separated from Eda, because one day Eda will join her in their former dream, and be cured!

           And as she’s no doubt desperate for approval, Lilith is afraid of not only losing it, but having this replaced with scorn. Lilith doesn’t want to fail someone she admires, someone she thinks actually values her when beforehand she’s never felt approved of; And as Head of the Emperor’s Coven, she is no doubt intimately aware of a LOT of horrible things that happen to wild witches. To people who displease Belos in general… And so while she has so much reason to admire the Emperor, she’s also got plenty cause to fear him as well. Fear of having her position by his side revoked (especially since we see Owl Mask already taking up one themselves), fear of losing support of the one person who tolerated her… Fear of what he could do to Lilith, etc.

           Lilith already has every reason to be extremely sensitive of failure and rejection, in addition to her low self-esteem, and other tangible consequences… So what you suggested, about Belos actively punishing Lilith (hopefully it only began after Sense and Insensitivity, as that episode had Lilith act like it’s okay for her to take her time capturing Eda, under the excuse of her sister eventually becoming debilitated by her worsening curse), it is… Honestly pretty terrifying, and not at all out of character for Belos. Especially given how he’s the Emperor, so he’s free to do whatever he chooses to his own underlings, without repercussion- So I could see him being actively worse than Odalia and Alador are to their own kids, which would be saying something!

           Given the cult-y vibes of the Emperor’s Coven, I can see Belos further indoctrinating his minions into thinking it’s totally okay for him to harm them as punishment for failure, and even that this is a good and deserved thing- Again, tying back to those parallels of the American school system, which has echoes of the belief that ‘suffering is purifying’. It doesn’t even have to be the entire Emperor’s Coven that is convinced and wrapped up into this sort of abuse- Lilith is already of such low self-esteem that I think she’d believe she deserves it… Maybe even finds a twisted relief in her punishment as cathartic self-harm. Belos gives off ‘Christian Colonizer’ vibes as-is, and there are records of such puritans advocating for this kind of pain as being ‘good’ for a person, so to Lilith it’s her actively atoning and making up for her mistakes, in addition to actually succeeding next time.  

           And if so, then that is a horrifically abusive relationship, especially since entire generations of witches are already indoctrinated into trusting Belos for having what’s best for them in mind- I mean, the show’s ending credits have a pair of toddlers making a sand castle of Belos’ palace, that’s how deep this propaganda goes! It’d take a lot to unlearn that, especially from someone as entrenched into the Emperor’s Coven as Lilith… And if Eda and Luz were to learn about this, if what you suggested is true- Then in addition to the whole ‘threatening to execute Lilith by nightfall’ bit, and Lilith genuinely thinking she was helping Eda and curing her curse, thus saving her sister from a fate worse than death; I could see them becoming a LOT more sympathetic and forgiving to Lilith, because they just don’t have it in their hearts to be mad at someone who has clearly suffered and been traumatized and manipulated…

          I could see Luz maybe even drawing parallels to Amity and her parents, while Eda is just horrified that this is what her sister went through- And maybe she thinks that she should’ve been more there for Lilith, should’ve worked to rescue her older sister if she knew what was going on, even if that meant kidnapping Lilith. And of course, Lilith has reached that point of self-defeat where she insists to Eda that her little sister owes her nothing, and she is right in a sense… But also, Lilith thinks that while Eda owes Lilith nothing, Lilith herself is owed so much pain and punishment, when it’s clear that this sort of thing will only make things worse for someone who’s used to it- So obviously Luz and Eda aren’t going to invest in more suffering for Lilith, because obviously it didn’t teach her to be a kinder and happier person.

           So while Lilith is obviously testing their patience in a LOT of ways… Luz and Eda’s natural compassion, in addition to appreciation of Lilith doing the right thing in the end, and having the bravery to defy Belos- I think that’ll help them forgive Lilith, or at least be on better terms with her. Hopefully she can be accepted fully into their family… And that’s assuming Lilith won’t try to bail out of guilt and wanting to protect Eda, to not be a burden, and to just want the comforting isolation away from the constant reminder of her failures in life and as a sister, because at the Owl House, Lilith will constantly be reminded of how Eda was so much better off and happier than her, and that’ll just add to her insecurity at being outdone. Lilith will be reminded of the curse she cast on Eda, and also what she missed out on for so long, and it’ll tear her apart…

           And, I can see Lilith actually reveling in her half of the curse as self-punishment for what she’s done, and Eda… While Eda has cautiously accepted this because it IS Lilith making up for the damage she legitimately caused and worsened- She also doesn’t want Lilith to default to martyrdom and self-punishment because she knows that kind of mindset in reaction to failure is abusive and a product of the Coven System. Oof, I’m just suddenly imagining Lilith finding ways to punish herself while at the Owl House, maybe leaving so she can do so uninterrupted, because she’s still enacting the abuse when there’s nobody around to perform it- And the others have to really look out for Lilith and stop her… It’d be incredibly exhausting and tiresome, and just make Lilith feel like even more of a burden.

           But in the end, Lilith realized that wallowing in self-pity and punishment for years didn’t help Eda or herself, it just made things worse- It was making just that one decision to change and improve things for the better, that got Lilith the immediate results of a more-repaired relationship with her sister. Sooner or later, Lilith has to pick herself up; All this self-loathing is no doubt exhausting, and she wants something new… Lilith still wants to be with Eda and now she has the chance. If she put in the work serving the Emperor’s Coven under the hopes it’d pay off, maybe she can put in the work of self-improvement under this same principle; Or not, investing in the Emperor’s Coven clearly failed, so why bother?

          Well, I imagine Eda’s happiness, time with her, and the fact that Lilith is no longer burning with her worst secret, is a good reason to invest… Because Lilith’s seen actual results for once, so she knows it’ll pay off in the end and she wants more of that happiness and goodness in life. But Titan, it’d probably be terrifying, having to imagine Lilith caught in the attempt of self-harm because she hates herself, she’s trying to secretly get away with it, and Luz/Eda/King are so scared and shocked because of it… And Lilith just insists in a mental breakdown that this is what she deserves, and why can’t they leave her to this because don’t they secretly hate her anyway!? But the others don’t really, that’s why she’s even here- They’re here to be fully transparent with Lilith and not lie and lead her on like Belos did in his abusive, manipulative way.

           I’m just imagining the others getting Lilith into a routine of self-care, making her invest into a schedule and productive stuff that keeps her distracted, maybe a hobby or two that makes Lilith feel constructive- Getting her to wean off her self-destructive habits, while Lilith is also obligated to make a promise each day that she won’t relapse and get into some funny business… And then the others can feel safer leaving her alone for longer periods of time, while also validating and rewarding Lilith for her efforts, further incentivizing her to do well… While not punishing her for any failure, further teaching Lilith to not default to that in the first place. Of course Eda would do everything in her power to keep Luz and King free from this responsibility and concerns, but I can see Luz insisting on providing some kind of helping hand- Or at least contributing towards the happier, fluffier moments that are less messy and agonizing for everyone involved.

          And wanting to live up to this trust that a kid has in her, to see someone trust in her again after she messed up with Amity- It’ll give Lilith a lot of belief in herself that maybe she CAN do right… And she’s now even got the chance to make amends with Amity, too! Maybe things are getting better… And maybe things ARE improving, because she IS a good person, and the others were right to believe in her- Lilith wouldn’t want to prove them wrong, after all! And if it really brightens her sister’s day to see Lilith become happy again, then… That makes Lilith happy, and finally she’s doing things right, without having to worry about when she messes up.

          For once, Lilith can take genuine, true pride in confidence in who she is, and what she does- And finally she’ll invest in the dignity and self-respect to know that she deserves better. Then Lilith can not only spare herself from pain- She can protect her loved ones from it for real this time, instead of always hurting them. For so long Lilith has hurt others trying to do what’s best for them; Now she can do what’s best for them without doing so, because Lilith knows that what’s best for others isn’t pain, but happiness and healing. She can do the right thing, and make up for what may have been Lilith’s original failure that started it all; Not being the protective older sister that Eda needed her to be.

          Lilith doesn���t need to fear failure, and she can expect so much from success this time, especially now that it’s within reach; And Lilith knows that she can always change and improve herself to reach it, assuming she isn’t already capable! Eda does believe in the capacity to choose your own destiny and who you want to be, regardless of how you start out or what others dictate. Even if Lilith WAS a terrible person… She has the power to change this, and she’ll certainly make use of this opportunity. Lilith need not resign herself to what she saw as fate, as the inevitability of her decline into despair, or her place in the Emperor’s Coven as ordained by Belos’ hierarchy… Lilith can become who she always wanted to be- A wild witch and a good sister, someone who is happy, fulfilled, and free!

[nikkoliferous]

Phase One: Thor

Since I was looking up my past live-blog of the novel and realising how annoying and repetitive reading through it all is because of my having structured it as a bunch of reblogs, I’ve decided to organize it all into one long-ass post instead. In case anyone else wants to read it in the future. Or in case I decide to re-read it. Because I’m hilarious. 😅

SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO

My Hilarious Yet Wrathful Overview Of Phase One: Thor, Redux

—

If your son who’s to become king requires a babysitter to not screw it all up and also the idea of him being king is stressful enough to put you into a coma, maybe, uh… reconsider doing that? Just a thought.

But you see here why Odin was so deadset on Thor becoming king, despite him being ill-suited for the role. It’s not about what’s best for Asgard; it’s about personal legacy. Thor is Odin’s mini me, and Loki is very much not. There are places within the text where Odin laments Thor “lacking his father’s wisdom” (he’s definitely inherited your humility, though, Odin!), but he hopes for Thor to grow into a “wise king” like himself. Whereas he holds no such illusions (lol, pun) that Loki will ever take after him.

now with tag commentary! #this scene is in the script and both novelizations #(though in reading this novel seems to just be a more complete version of the junior novel? #idk i'm confused because they're supposedly written by different authors but so far the text is identical) #and it drives me insane each time i read it

“Haha, I’m a warmongering piece of shit, isn’t it funny?”

I know, I know. I try to cut Asgard some slack for being such a militaristic culture because social changes happen slowly and when you live for thousands of years per generation, it makes sense that your views on things like war would be regressive. The text says Odin has ruled Asgard for tens of thousands of years (so much for taking Loki’s “give or take 5,000 years” line literally; sure, the Odinsleep would have extended Odin’s lifespan, but by that much? Idk).

Still, fuck Odin. Especially since he’ll eventually try to shame Loki for doing the same thing he’s fucking boasting about here. And on a much smaller scale too.

…is it, though?

I actually think Loki’s relationship with being the centre of attention is really interesting in its complexity and we don’t discuss it enough. I’ve said this before, but he strikes me as the sort of person who craves attention but also wouldn’t really know what to do with it if he had it. He craves it as a result of neglect, because he’s never been shown recognition or validation. This is why he seems to revel in it in Stuttgart, even in (or maybe especially in?) his brainwashed state. But he also frequently comes across as pretty introverted and has horrible self-esteem, so I think on another level, sustained, genuine attention would make him feel kind of uncomfortable. Loki seems to believe that in order to be loved or respected, he has to literally be Thor, though. And Thor has always been the centre of attention, so for Loki, attention is synonymous with respect.

I find Loki’s relationship with wanting attention especially fascinating because I too both crave and fear it. As a borderline, I need it. When no one is paying attention to me, I lose my sense of identity. I feel as though I literally cease to exist. It’s excruciatingly painful. And yet, I have no authentic sense of self; I’m just a chameleon, and the closer people get to me, the more likely it is they’ll see behind my mask. They’ll realise it’s all a show and that I’m actually no one. And then they’ll leave. I can’t help wondering if that’s how Loki feels sometimes too.

Wait, what? You mean goat. His horns are shaped like a goat’s. This is a ram: 

This is a goat:

This is Loki:

Do you see now? They’re like a goat. Not a ram. Not a cow. A GOAT.

This book was written before Ragnarok was a thing, so it may be unfair to connect the two, but it still seems worth noting that it was Thor who reduced Loki to being no more than a trickster to begin with. “You could be more,” my ass. Loki’s problem has never been that he was one-dimensional; it was always that the people in his life, including Thor, refused to see any other dimensions to him. Which makes those words particularly cruel—as if they aren’t cruel enough already, what with the physical torture and all. 

Always happy to have cause to point out that

Loki was on Thor clean-up duty their whole lives; he certainly was not trying to kill Thor.

People like to point to Loki’s attempted genocide of the Jötnar and attempted(-ish? lol) conquest of Earth as proof that he’s some kind of violent maniac. But in a little place I like to call reality, Loki was historically far less aggressive and bloodthirsty than his peers.

Question: why is one conqueror evil and the other is righteously entitled to ruling over the Nine Realms?

Asgardian exceptionalism FTW

I can’t even begin to imagine what would lead you to expect such a thing, Odin. 😂

Uh, ‘cause it is?? And also their planet is MELTING without it??

This is all only within the first two chapters, btw. Lmao

—

—

—

“Looking for answers,” my foot.

YOU WOULD THINK SO, WOULDN’T YOU??

#i mean unless you knew heimdall #he only commits treason on days that end in y

—

—

What’d I say? Thor clean-up dutyyyyy 

Just wanna remind everyone that this 

is why he’s smiling during this scene 

because it makes me laugh every time. 😂 

—

My heart breaks every time I remember that second excerpt because literally ALL OF IT happened to him when he survived falling through the wormhole. My poor boy. 😭

But also of note… Loki gets cold (and also does not like being cold). This interests me because 1) as many are aware, the prevalent headcanon that Loki has a low body temperature irritates me and 2) it possibly(?) lends weight to the theory that he may not be fully Jötun, whether by virtue of his birth or Odin’s spell.

Haha, look at this Feminist Icon™ trying to take credit for his female friend’s accomplishments! Truly inspiring. 

#for some reason the ragnarok lovers have somehow decided that thor is both a feminist and lesbian icon #whatever that means 🤷‍♀️ #and i'm still trying very hard to figure out why #is it literally just because he *says* he respects women or whatever in that dumb rambly conversation with valkyrie?

Ooh… you were so close to getting the point, Volstagg. So close. Take your tongue off Odin’s boot for just a couple minutes longer.

Also, the author just forgot the name of the Casket. How did this book get published? 😂

JUST LOOKING FOR ANSWERS, HUH?

Because fuck Loki, amirite? He, uh… he’s a prince too, you know.

Also… Fandral, you dweeb 😂

…am I reading too much into this, or did Odin just literally forget that Loki exists?

On the other hand, the author also seemed to forget Loki existed for most of this chapter, so who knows. 🤷‍♀️

lmao @ Jane immediately trying to convince herself she’s too rational to be attracted to a stranger 

Honestly, though, big mood. 

Just your periodic reminder that Thor’s sycophantic friends KNEW Loki was right and decided to throw him under the bus anyway. 

Just as I’ve always said: That was it. That was their ENTIRE rationale. That Loki *could* have done it, therefore he must have. Please tell me these people have nothing to do with Asgard’s justice system.

…lol, jk, Asgard has no justice system.

Ok, first of all, no.

Second: thank you, Fandral. You’re a self-absorbed cad, but also evidently Thor’s least stupid friend.

Thirdly, how…? First, it was, “Loki arranged all this because he’s jealous of Thor.” Now they’ve suddenly jumped all the way to, “All of Asgard is in danger.” What exactly does Sif think Loki is planning? He’s gonna, what… assassinate Odin and then sell Asgard to the Jötnar?

—

Please stop hurting me.

Just so there’s no confusion: this one sentence explains everything Loki did for the rest of the movie. It explains how a person who has been historically non-aggressive suddenly transforms into a warmonger. To prove himself a real Asgardian, like his brother and father and grandfather. 

—

…why did Odin fall into the Odinsleep in two completely different scenes in this book? I’m super confused.

Also, we really need to talk about how cruel it is of Marvel to keep forcing Loki to prove his loyalty again and again and again when he’s been doing so almost literally since we met him. And by “we need to talk about it”, I mean I need to tie Kevin Feige and co. to a chair and spend a minimum of five hours lecturing them on how poorly they understand their own fucking character.

Let’s just be clear here: they’re talking about Loki. They’re saying Loki, their LEGITIMATE king, is an enemy of Asgard, based on evidence so paper-thin it’s practically invisible. Just… please, let that sink in. Take a moment to appreciate how utterly fucked up that is. 

I’m sorry (not really), but Thor was so much funnier before Ragnarok.

This scene has always kind of bugged me. If Odin removed Thor’s powers, how come he can still control the weather? Confusing.

So what exactly was Thor’s plan anyway, before he realised he couldn’t lift Mjölnir? He was just gonna call on Heimdall to help him commit treason AGAIN, show up on Asgard against the expressed command of his king, and… Odin would just shrug and be like, “You got me, son! I guess I can’t keep you down. Welcome home!”?

…I mean, I guess that more or less is what happened in the end, but it’s hard to imagine it would have still gone down that way without all the stuff that happened with Loki. Idk.  

#look what i'm saying is... thor is not exactly a thinking person #no one on asgard is a thinking person #except loki but he's crazy now so he's also thinking somewhat poorly lol

Cool, Thor. Now imagine feeling that way for ONE THOUSAND YEARS and develop a little fucking empathy for your brother.

But you won’t.

You’ll brush off his feelings of worthlessness as “imagined slights”. 😒

Nice that somebody knows how the royal line of succession works, I guess… 

That sound you hear? Yeah, that’s just my heart breaking. NBD. 

First, they mislabelled it the Casket of Eternal Winters. Now it’s the Cask of Ancient Winters. Author must have been thirsty when they wrote this. Lol 

Look, not to nitpick, but this is not the recommended procedure when you see a storm that you don’t believe is of supernatural origin coming. I’m just saying. Lol 

Uh… ‘cause he is?? And your pals are committing treason AGAIN, Thor, so it technically is responding to a threat to Asgard. Just FYI.

Anyways, this is an important point that doesn’t get made often enough. People want to act like Loki illegally usurped the throne somehow, but even without the deleted scene that explicitly shows Frigga passing rulership to him (a scene which is, for some reason, entirely skipped over in this book, but whatever), understand this: Loki could not have controlled the Destroyer unless he was legitimately King of Asgard. The fact that he’s able to do so is irrefutable proof that his rulership is valid.

lmao you little shit

So… here’s my issue with this scene (and with Thor as a character): He always assumes that Loki’s acting out specifically to hurt him. That Loki’s entire life and thought process revolves around Thor. He does it in this scene, he does it in The Avengers… it’s just a chronic thing with Thor. Everything is viewed through the lens of Loki inexplicably hating him.

But that’s… just not accurate. Yes, Loki harbours a lot of jealousy towards Thor. But that’s not what’s happening in this scene. Loki is not trying to kill Thor here because he wants him dead; he’s doing it because Thor (and his friends) are getting in the way of Loki completing his ultimate goal. Loki tried to solve this problem non-violently, by lying about Odin being dead. It’s Thor’s friends who all but forced his hand by going behind his back and trying to bring Thor back to Asgard against Loki’s (and Odin’s!) direct orders.

For all the humility he’s learned in the past few days, this entire speech is still really all about Thor. About assuming that Loki’s doing this for personal reasons, because he holds a grudge against Thor for some unknown reason. This is implicit in his request to “take [my life] and end this.” It never even occurs to him that his friends are traitors to the Crown and Loki, as King of Asgard, is perhaps justified in pursuing them.

It also needs to be acknowledged that Thor’s apology here is hollow, even if it’s ultimately coming from his heart, because he has no idea what he’s apologising for. “Whatever I have done to wrong you” is not an apology. An apology addresses specific hurtful actions taken and commits to not repeating those mistakes in the future. Thor cannot commit to not repeating the hurtful things he’s done, because he doesn’t know what he’s done. Despite his best intentions, what Thor is doing here is actually kind of manipulative. He’s not addressing any substantive issue between the two of them; he’s just trying to talk Loki down. And it ultimately fails not because Loki doesn’t care or because he wants Thor dead, but because it doesn’t actually change anything.

Finally and only semi-relatedly, we should maybe at some point talk about the fact that Loki, who is stated to be a master tactician, has displayed a weird pattern of hardly ever being as lethal as he could be. He freezes Heimdall in place instead of killing him outright; he backhands Thor with the Destroyer instead of incinerating him; he, well… *gestures vaguely at almost the entirety of the first Avengers movie* Anytime the violence is even a little bit personal, he seems to hedge. Odd behaviour for somebody who’s supposedly super evil.

I’m sorry, I know I’ve pointed it out at least a hundred times before, but I just can’t encounter this scene in any form without taking a moment to appreciate how underrated and hilarious it is.

I also genuinely wonder how many Ragnarok stans who have accused me of having no sense of humour, have failed to laugh at moments like this one. Kinda feel like if you need to have the comedy spoonfed to you in the form of ass jokes, maybe you’re the one whose sense of humour is lacking. 🤷‍♀️

Let’s be super clear: this is not what happened. Loki did not betray Odin; he was betrayed by Odin. He did not open Asgard to its enemies; he attempted, misguidedly, to destroy Asgard’s enemies. And he most certainly did not commit suicide out of a sense of guilt.

I’m not saying Loki did nothing wrong, nor am I saying he feels no regret for the lives he has taken. What I’m saying is there’s no indication that he believes he betrayed Odin or Asgard in the process. Which makes perfect sense, because he didn’t. Everything he tried to do was for Odin and Asgard. It was misguided and horrible, yes, but it can hardly be classified as a betrayal.

The insurmountable burden on Loki is not that he did terrible things, but that no matter what he does or how hard he tries, Odin will never look at him with anything but contempt. Consider once more these passages from the very beginning of the book, at Thor’s coronation:

—

Consider that this book goes to great pains to point out that Odin favours Thor because Thor is a warrior like him. And yet even when Loki embraces that, even when he acts more war-like than ever before, Odin rejects him— just as he always has.

There is a reason why this moment is the last time Loki will ever call Odin his father. Because he realises once and for all that, no, nothing he tries will ever be good enough; no, Odin won’t ever look at him with pride. That is Loki’s burden. That is why he lets go.

The epilogue is really just two pages of making me want to vomit. 

There’s your party where Thor and a certain subset of the fandom insist that Loki was mourned. There’s barely an indication here that anyone even perceives his demise as a negative thing.

“[Sif] could see Frigga thought [Loki was dead] as well” also contradicts the tie-in comic for TDW, so I don’t know what the author is on about there. Unlike the majority of Marvel comics, the tie-in comics are canon to the MCU, so it’s a bizarre statement to make.

COULD YOU SMEAR THE DEAD* ABUSE VICTIM A LITTLE HARDER, PLEASE? Fucking hell.

No matter how many times I encounter this scene, in whatever format, I still fail to become desensitized to how disgusting it is. I realise there’s a good chance that whatever version of events Thor has been told was twisted at best; but how you can look at a man whose son has just committed suicide under any circumstances and say there will never be a better father than that guy, is utterly beyond my capacity to understand.

And Odin’s “you’ve already made me proud” line just feels like extra salt in the wound because, again, Loki let go because he realized Odin would never say those words to him. And yet they come so damn easily when it’s Thor.

Fuck this entire family so much. I think I hate them more than Loki does. Sometimes I wonder what he would think about that. How he would react to knowing that not only is he actually loved, but that he’s so loved that people are genuinely furious at the way he’s been mistreated. That there are people who regularly devolve into full-on rants because they just can’t contain how much anger they have towards the people who hurt him. I think he’d have a hard time wrapping his head around that concept, tbh.

Anyways, to end on a not-completely-depressing note, I’m still waiting for someone at Marvel to explain how Loki knew what Thor said in this scene after plummeting into a wormhole. ‘Cause he references this conversation as Fauxdin at the end of TDW. So like… ?? Did he steal Odin’s memories before he erased them? Because that would be… kind of neat, actually. And very clever. Not entirely ethical, of course, but it’s Odin, so fuck ethics.

WELP, THAT’S IT. Thanks for following along with my dumbassery, hope you enjoyed yourselves. Lol

[songsoomin]

Begin Again Part 1 (A, F)

Word count: Around 10k

Idol! Jongho x Fem Reader, Best friend! Hongjoong. Reader has serious body confidence issues due to a past relationship but Jongho will help her through it. First two chapters will be angst with some fluff but a little smut will appear in chapter 3.

Warnings: Mentions of abuse, both emotional and psychological, body shaming, anxiety issues. 

Authour’s note: Reader is overweight but not as massive as she thinks she is. She has been conditioned through psychological abuse to believe she is very fat and unattractive. This is not intended to be the kind of story where reader becomes thin and is then happy and gets male attention (although, due to reader’s warped sense of self she does equate being thin with being happy). Even after losing some weight (for her own health and happiness) she is still somewhat overweight and curvy but the more important part is that she gets her confidence back and that is what makes her happier and more attractive. 

Part 2 Part 3

Posted 16th October 2020

This was a bad idea, you were sure of it. Meeting new people never worked out well for you and you could already feel the anxiety creeping up on you. But Hongjoong was with you, he had told you he'd look after you and you trusted him - not something that came easily to you, these days. Still, the little voice in your head kept telling you you were stupid to think anyone would like you.

As you both approached the restaurant you froze, pulling him to a stop with you.

"Hongjoong...I'm not sure I can do this." You looked at him, clearly nervous.

"Y/N. I know it's a lot of people to meet at once but they're the best bunch of guys you could ever meet - and I'll be here with you the whole time."

"Okay." You were still skeptical that they would like you - great guys or not. The problem wasn't them...it was you.

In school Hongjoong had been one of your closest friends but you fell out of touch with him when your lives started taking different paths. Looking back at the last few years you had actually lost touch with almost every friend you had - a byproduct of the toxic relationship you had been in - and now your self-esteem was so low that it felt too scary for you to make any new ones.

You had run into Hongjoong while shopping some months ago and he had asked you to have a coffee with him. He could see you were very different to how he remembered you and asked how you had been. It was a particularly difficult time for you and you couldn't keep it all in anymore. You broke down in front of him, frantically apologising for burdening him with all this. You were sure he was going to think you were crazy and you'd never hear from him again...but he stuck around. He kept texting, asking you to meet just to make sure you were okay and, gradually, he pursuaded you that you deserved better than how you were being treated. That your boyfriend was abusing you...even if he wasn't physically hurting you. It was psychological and emtional. You had lived walking on eggshells all the time - what was fine one day would cause him to get angry and lash out at you the next - or to spend days ignoring you completely. You never knew what to do or say to please him. Hongjoong helped you gain the strength to leave him and promised to help you start afresh.

So here he was, trying to get you back out into the world and make some friends because, if left to your own devices, the depression would make you sit inside your flat all alone, convincing you not to try in case you get hurt again.

The restaurant wasn't too crowded, which was good because you weren't comfortable around lots of people. Your red-haired best friend led you to a big table occupied by seven of the most attractive men you had ever seen and you froze up again.

You don't belong here.

The mean voice in your head taunted you.

Look at these guys...they're perfect and you're just...well, a fat mess.

You tried to ignore the voice as Hongjoong introduced you to all of them,

"Guys, this is my friend Y/N that I told you about. Y/N this is...." He reeled off all their names but you knew you wouldn't remember them all. You just tried to match names to the various hair colours, hoping it would be easier that way. They all greeted you warmly, Hongjoong pulled a chair out for you next to the big, blue haired one - Yunho - and sat on your other side. He was right, they were all very friendly and a few of them very loud.

"Y/N, how old are you? Can I talk comfortably?" You think the one who asked this was called Wooyoung, he was the loudest by far. Cute, with short black hair, parted in the middle but it had a dark bluish tinge in the light. His laugh was so high-pitched you thought your ear drums would burst before the end of the meal.

"What do you do, Y/N? Do you work or go to college?" Seonghwa was next, he was so attractive you almost forgot how to form coherent sentences. Big, dark eyes, a beautiful smile and darkish-blonde hair that almost covered his eyes. He seemed the most mature of the lot and looked a bit intense sometimes - he was a little intimidating, really.

"What kind of music do you listen to? What kind of fashion do you like? Your trainers are really cool." The big one with brown hair threw questions at you next. He was dressed really well so you guessed he must like clothes a lot. He was big, like Yunho but he didn't look so friendly, at first. You thought he might be a bit cold when he was just sitting there but when he smiled it lit up his face. He was easily the cutest, despite his size.

"I'm not into clothes much...I just wear whatever, really."

Yeah, whatever you can find to fit you - which isn't much. You look awful in everything.

I mean, he has eyes...he can see how fat you are. Does he really think you can wear the new fashions in the shops? They're all made for skinny girls, after all.

You tried your best to block out the voice because you knew he was just being friendly but the voice was always there reminding you how awful you were. Making you feel even worse.

Even before you had become withdrawn you had never been outgoing - always shy and only talking to people once they'd spoken to you first - but now outgoing people were so opposite to you they actually made you feel a little uncomfortable and you couldn't help shying away from them.

Hongjoong recognised it - probably because you were clinging on to his sleeve - and asked them to tone it down.

"Guys...stop bombarding Y/N with so many questions. You really are a bit too much sometimes." He chided, although affectionately.

They got the message and switched to general conversation after a chorus of sorries. You calmed a bit once you weren't the centre of attention, just enjoying their chatter and the way they were with each other. They had a closeness you'd never experienced yourself with friends. You had been good friends with Hongjoong but, as far as girlfriends went, you'd always felt left on the outside.

You'd had some bad experiences and knew that girls could be very mean. In the past some had pretended to like you but talked shit about you behind your back. Sometimes you'd feel you were left out on purpose - once even listening to girlfriends plan a night out, knowing you were there but not inviting you. These kind of things happened more than once, with different groups, so in the end you decided it was you. You must be unlikeable in some way. It was after that you became friends with Hongjoong and his friends in the last two years of school, prefering the honesty of boys. They weren't usually two-faced and bitchy like the girls. In your experience, if a boy didn't like you he would either tell you or show it in some other way.

That was why you had agreed to come out with Hongjoong today, you felt more comfortable with boys and you knew he was a good judge of character. If this had been a table of girls you'd have been way too scared to come...and god knows what that voice would be saying to you now. Most of the girls he knew were idols like him - and it was fair to say you were on the larger side - so the inferiority complex you'd develop sitting with girls that thin and pretty didn't bear thinking about.

Despite your discomfort you were truly enjoying being with the group and litening to their stories and friendly jibes. It's hard being around a group of friends who have a long history because they will talk about their shared experiences but they were all kind enough to explain the stories to you and include you as much as they could. You appreciated their kindness.

They're probabbly getting sick of you by now...having to explain everything. You're just an incovenience to everyone. I bet they wish you weren't here.

The waiter came over to take the order and you asked for a diet Pepsi.

"Diet?" Yeah, right. They're probably laughing at you for ordering a diet when you look like you don't even know the meaning of the word. One look at you and they can see you don't do 'diet' anything.

The voice was often stronger in your mind when you were already anxious or in an uncomfortable situation. Right now it was really being mean. You also ordered something relatively light and healthy to eat and that spurred the voice on more.

Really? You know they can see you, right? They won't think you usually eat this way. You're not that fat because you've been eating salads.

You tried your best to drown it out and just listen to the guys' chatter again. You knew you'd probably still be hungry after so you'd eat back at home.

Yeah...too much. Like always.

You knew in your heart that they wouldn't think you ate that healthily normally but you didn't like eating in front of others. Other peope judged you for how you looked, what you ate. You'd rather they inwardly laughed at you for trying to pretend you were healthy than look at a fat girl eating junk food and be more disgusted.

The thought brought back old memories of the daily nagging your ex subjected you to...

"Y/N? Do you really think you should be eating that? You eat far too much."

"When are you going to start losing some weight?"

"Don't you think you've had enough?"

"A salad would probably be better for you than that."

"I just think you should get rid of that dress. It makes you look awful."

"I'm not trying to upset you but I just want you to be as attractive and beautiful as you used to be. Everyone knows fat isn't sexy."

He never outright called you names or said things anyone would consider insulting so it was difficult to see that what he was doing was emotional abuse. What he did was gradually strip you of any shred of self-confidence. Everyday the things he said were carefully designed to remind you that you weren't as thin as you were when you met him and therefore you weren't good enough. There were certain clothes he disliked because they didn't flatter your size as well as others and if you wore any of those he would withold hugs and affection. You could see him purposefully not looking in your direction anytime you were changing because seeing you naked was so repulsive to him. But he didn't leave you to find someone better. He carried on gradually demeaning you, trying to force you into becoming what he wanted you to be. He thought if he made you feel bad enough, you would eat better and go to the gym but it didn't work that way. Your self-worth became so wrapped up in what you looked like that you began hating yourself. You couldn't go to the gym because people would laugh at you. You stopped going on nights out with friends because you hated how you looked in everything you owned and didn't want people looking at you. Laughing because the fat girl thought she could make herself look good by putting on some make up and a nice dress. It was logical to think that if you didn't like your weight you could just eat better but the depression kept you down and just made you eat more. A vicious circle. The more you ate the more you hated yourself until you just got used to it. You might have got rid of him but the voice remained, constantly demeaning and mocking you.

You were close to tears now but didn't want to embarrass yourself further so you made an excuse to leave the table.

"Joong, I'm just going to the bathroom."

"Okay." You'd learned in the previous months that Hongjoong could always see through you but everyone was around so he didn't comment on it. He knew you wouldn't want anyone else to see you were upset. You appreciated his sensitivity but how he also wouldn't let you bottle things up until they were really hurting you too much. You knew it was his mature and caring nature that made him perfect as the group's leader.

You calmed yourself down and went back out before anyone would wonder why you'd been gone too long.

You think anyone but Hongjoong would even notice you were gone?

When you got back to the table they were all still engrossed in conversation but Hongjoong lightly squeezed your hand under the table and Yunho broke off to talk to you. A few seats away another boy smiled at you shyly, noticing your return. You hadn't spoken to him directly and he seemed one of the quietest of the group. He had light brown hair and a cute smile. You wouldn't have thought he was the youngest because he was a bit stockier than the rest and seemed more mature than Wooyoung and Mingi but he called each of them 'Hyung' so you guessed he must be. In any event, he had seemed to notice when you returned so maybe the voice wasn't always right. You felt hopeful but you also knew how quickly hopes could be crushed. You guessed you'd just have to see how this went.

As the meal went on you really were enjoying yourself but couldn't get rid of the fear of judgement completely, despite how nice they seemed. You felt so self-conscious as you ate in front of them that you took tiny bites and didn't even finish it all. You noticed the same boy - who you'd now learned was called Jongho - looking over at you every now and then and it made you feel a bit anxious.

He's probably judging you. He's clearly very fit and active, whereas, you get no exercise and clearly eat too much...what must he think?

You tried your best to shove it to the back of your mind and enjoy the afternoon.

You had had fun but were glad once you got home, where you could relax and know no one was watching or judging you. You went to the freezer and took out a full tub of ice cream, ready to eat the whole thing by yourself. Food used to comfort you - something you'd learned a long time ago and had now become a habit - but these days you didn't get the same feeling. Eating had become robotic, almost. You picked up food even when you weren't really hungry and, although you still enjoyed the taste and the action of eating, you couldn't say you paid much attention anymore and the whole tub would be gone before you knew it. You thought it might be like drugs, where you needed more all the time to get the same fix. Or maybe it was just that you'd had to disassociate from your feelings that you didn't get the same pleasure you once got because inside you were actually ashamed of yourself and, as long as you weren't feeling anything, you wouldn't feel that either.

You did want to change because, if nothing else, you knew overeating wasn't healthy. It wasn't that you thought people needed to be thin to be beautiful because you knew beauty was subjective and came in all forms but you knew you were much happier in yourself when you were slimmer. How much of that was due to the mistreatment from your ex-boyfriend, it was impossible to know. Maybe if he had embraced you as you were you could be happy at whatever size without hating yourself but it was done now.

You weren't completely sure why you felt ashamed of yourself because you never judged other people for not being thin. You could only imagine that it was another side-effect of the emotional abuse. He was always gaslighting...making it seem like it was your fault.

“I'm only trying to help...don't you want to look good?”

"You know how unhappy it makes me. Don't you care about saving our relationship? If you did you'd be down at the gym doing something about it."

If you ever tried to point out how his behaviour made you feel or how he could change how he treated you so you were happier together he just turned it back on you.

"I'm not the one who needs to change. The only problem in our relationship is your size so it's you that needs to fix it."

Deep down you knew that wasn't true, though. His behaviour wasn't right and shaming someone was not an incentive for self-improvement. On the contrary, it only made you eat more but now you did it in secret where you couldn't be seen and, therefore, couldn't be judged. At least until they could see the results of your overeating.

                                                     ********

A few days later you and Hongjoong were watching a few more episodes of the Netflix drama you'd started together in your apartment. You'd just finished the second and were having a break to get more drinks before beginning the third when he seemed to remember something.

"Oh, Y/N! I forgot to tell you...the guys all said they like you. Said it was nice to meet someone new, for a change."

You leaned back against the kitchen side, abandoning the hunt for drinks for a moment, "What do you mean?"

"Well...we get so few chances to meet anyone who isn't part of our industry or who isn't a fan." Hongjoong continued on, lifting himself up onto the opposite counter-top. "The people in our industry are like us where they don't get to do much real-life stuff so mostly we end up talking about idol life and work. We adore our fans and love getting to meet them but it is still a big part of being an idol so it's nice when we meet someone not linked to that at all."

"Really?" You asked. You liked hearing about Hongjoong's life but never pressed him for too much information. He did talk about it but was usually more concerned with how you were doing. You'd never pressed him too much about being an idol because you wanted him to be able to be himself with you and talk about whatever he wanted.

"Yeah, it's nice for us to have friends who we can talk to about other things and get some time to switch off from work. That's probably why they bombarded you with questions the other day." He laughed thinking about it and you had to join in. Hongjoong had such a bright smile that it made you happy just seeing it. You knew he used a lot of his free time trying to help you mend yourself and you had worried he'd get sick of your drama but it felt like a relief to know he liked the distraction.

He'll get sick of you one day. He may be helping you now but he'll soon realise you're not worth it.

"I really liked meeting them, too. It was a bit overwhelming at first but they seemed just as nice as you said they were. Thanks, Joong, I had fun for once." You smiled at your red-haired best friend, still sitting up on the counter.

"They liked you, too...they even suggested I bring you over to the dorm sometime."

"They liked me? I thought they'd have seen how boring I am. I'm too quiet and shy."

Hongjoong sighed, "Y/N...you are a wonderful person and being shy doesn't make you boring. You're different to the other kinds of people we know and that is refreshing."

You looked down at your hands awkwardly, not used to hearing anything good about yourself from anyone but your parents and they had to say nice things about you - they were biased.

"It's understandable that you're reserved around new people given what you've been through. That arsehole made you feel like you're not worth anything and you've nothing to offer anyone but it's just not true. I've got to know you again and once you let me in I could see how great you are. You're funny and caring and they'll see it soon, as well, if you let them."

"Stop it Joong, you know how uncomfortable compliments make me." You said, blushing.

Hongjoong hopped down from the counter and slung an arm around your shoulder, "That's because you don't believe any of it yet and I'm not going to stop until you do."

"Thanks, Joong...I don't know where I'd be without you."

                                                      ********

You stood outside the door to the boys' dorm, anxiety flaring. Slowly you took some deep breaths in an attempt to calm yourself. Hongjoong had told you they had liked you and wanted to see you again but you still doubted it.

Over time you had come to believe that people never really liked you - you weren't worth it. You were too quiet and boring, not attractive enough so what did you really have to offer? Thinking this way meant that you had trouble believing Hongjoong even though you knew he was a good person and wouldn't lie to you. He could've been mistaken, though.

They probably just told him they liked you because you're his friend and they didn't want to hurt his feelings.  

But he said they had suggested I come over...so that can't be true. You told the nasty voice in your head and hoped you were right. Finally feeling a little more calm you knocked timidly on the door.

Jeez...even your knock is boring.

You heard a small comotion on the other side of the door before you heard the click of the door opening.

"Guys, stop crowding! She doesn't want you all in her face straight away."

As Hongjoong opened the door with a sigh you saw three of his members standing behind him looking excited and you had to laugh a little. Thankfully you remembered their names - Yunho was easy because he had blue hair and you remembered San and Wooyoung as they had been the ones to talk to you most at the restaurant.

"Hi." You felt a little overwhelmed again but not as much as last time. True, it was a new environment and those added to your anxiety but the three guys seemed genuinely pleased to see you again so you felt much more comfortable already.

"Hi, Y/N!" Hongjoong greeted you with a hug, then, turning to the other three commanded,

"Guys...give Y/N some room to breathe before you attack her."

San looked slightly forlorn, like a small child who's dad just told him he couldn't go out to play yet and you smiled because he just looked so cute.

Wooyoung, however, ignored Hongjoong completely.

"Y/N, what kind of pizza topping do you like? We're ordering a bunch for all of us."

"Uh, I like Hawaiian best."

"Yes! I knew someone else but me must like pineapple on pizza."

The tall brown haired one, Mingi you thought, yelled from his spot on the sofa with a tone that said 'I told you so' to the others.

"Fine," Wooyoung replied, "You and Y/N can share that one and the rest of us will get the usual order."

Mmmm, pizza. That'll help you to not be a massive fat cow. The voice chimed in sarcastically and you sighed.

"Are you okay?" Yunho asked, bringing you out of your own thoughts.

"Oh...yeah, I'm fine."

"Let's get you a drink. We got Pepsi, Fanta, juice...."

You followed Yunho to the kitchen while he carried on talking to you and asking how you had been. He was really easy to talk to and, although he seemed like he could be quite hyper and chaotic - especially with Mingi, as you witnessed at the restaurant - he also seemed to have a more perceptive side, like he could read how people were feeling. You appreciated how he was chatting with you more calmly, without making you feel overwhelmed by attention.

You made your way into the living area of their dorm and looked around. Not all the boys had been there to greet you when you came in, which was good as it meant you didn't have the focus of eight people on you all at once.

Yeosang, the quietest of the group, was sitting on the couch by Mingi and he smiled and said "Hi." when you came over and took a seat on the other couch. Mingi, happy to have found someone who let him order pineapple pizza started chatting to you, asking if you wanted to watch a movie or play games first. They seemed to have the evening planned out but it was nice he was asking what you wanted to do - it made you feel included.

Seonghwa was getting snacks together in the kitchen and when he brought them out to the living room the boys all descended on him like they were starving. He tutted, grumbling about how uncivilised they were but you could see the affection he held for them. Hongjoong had told you Seonghwa was the oldest so you presumed he took on more of a caring role like Joong did.

Jongho was the last to enter, coming from down the hall where their bedrooms must be. He paused slightly when he saw you there and gave you a small smile. You weren't really sure what that meant. He didn't seem as pleased to see you as the others but didn't seem unhappy either...more awkward, maybe. Hongjoong had been trying to help you stop and think through the negative thoughts you had and to actively think kinder thoughts about yourself so you tried not to think it was anything personal, like you normally would. Maybe Jongho was just awkward around new people like you were.

As you were contemplating that you reached for your drink on the coffee table, completely missing the target but managing to knock the glass over, spilling all the liquid inside over the table and the floor.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. I'll get something to wipe it up!"

You rushed frantically to the kitchen looking for paper towels or a cloth to clean the spill but Seonghwa was already on the case and getting everything he needed for the job.

"It's okay, Y/N, I'll get it."

"I should clean it, it was my fault." You mentally kicked yourself for not being careful enough.

"You're our guest, it's fine. Don't worry." Seonghwa said with a kind smile.

A memory of your ex looking at you with disgust played through your mind...

"You're so useless. You can't do anything right.”

"I'm sorry, it was just an accident."

"It's only ever me who cares about keeping this place clean - you just go around messing things up. You'd probably be just as happy living in a pigsty. At least that would suit you more."

 You must've looked like you were on the verge of an anxiety attack as Hongjoong came over and placed his arm around your shoulders.

"It's okay, Y/N. Breathe."

"I'm sorry, Joong. I should've been more careful. I'm just so clumsy."

"Y/N..." He faced you with a hand on each of your shoulders and looked you straight in the eye, "No one is upset about this. It happens, don't worry."

Seonghwa was already done cleaning up the spill and wiping the area down with a wet cloth so it didn't get sticky. He smiled as he passed you on his way back to the kitchen. You peeked past Hongjoong to the others and no one looked angry or annoyed at your clumsiness...just a little confused at the exchange between Hongjoong and yourself.

They're probably wondering what kind of crazy person they've let into their dorm by now.

"I'm just gonna go to the bathroom." You moved quickly to avoid the curious gaze of the others while Hongjoong called out,

"It's the last door on the left."

Once locked in the bathroom you sat on the lid of the toilet, head in your hands and trying not to let all the panic take over you. You thought it might help to splash cold water on your face except you had make up on.

It doesn't help, though. You might look slightly better with make up on but you'll still look ugly.

At least that's what the voice tells you each time you try to make yourself look more presentable. You might not think you're that attractive in make up but you sure as hell know you look like crap without it.

"Aren't you going to wear make up today?"

"We're only going to see your mother...I'm sure she doesn't care if I don't have any make up on."

"It doesn't seem like you care about how you look either."

That was just one of the many snide comment your ex would make if you didn't feel like wearing make up every now and then. Comments that let you know that he would only find you acceptable with make up and nice clothes.

Sometimes it was something like, "Well, if you don't want to make an effort for me..." that made you feel like you didn't love him enough, that you didn't care if he was happy with you. You'd always end up either going back to put on make up to make him happy or spending the day with him virtually ignoring you just so you knew just how displeased he was with how you looked.

You took a few deep breaths and sighed, forcing yourself up and out the bathroom because it wouldn't do any good to hide in here. That would make them all think you really were a crazy mess.

You paused as you walked down the hall upon hearing one of the guys ask, "Is Y/n okay? Her reaction to spilling her drink was a bit...odd."

"Uh...it's not really my place to say but...it's because of her ex. He wasn't good to her. In fact, he was quite cruel a lot of the time."

There was a pause as you listened but then noises of disgust came from some the boys.

"Oh my god!"

"What a bastard!"

"But she's so sweet...how could he do that?"

"I know." Hongjoong said, "She's come a long way but don't bring it up, please. I don't want her more upset."

You smiled, Hongjoong was the one who was so sweet. He really was your rock and the only one you'd ever really opened up to about it all. Your parents knew your ex wasn't always good to you but you hadn't wanted to upset them by telling them how badly he treated you. Whenever you had been around them or his parents he had been the master of pretending your relationship was great and showing how much he 'loved' you.

As you walked back into sight, the guys went back to chatting or looking at their phones. Mingi and Jongho were arguing over what movie to watch. Jongho wanted horror but Mingi was outright refusing.

Only Joong and Seonghwa took notice of your return as you walked over to them in the kitchen.  

"Sorry for making you clean up my mess, Seonghwa."

Seonghwa looked at you with a smile - he really was painfully attractive.

"Y/N...Joong and I live with six massive children. You think these boys aren't constantly making a mess for me to clean up?"

"Okay, I suppose..." You laughed, "...but I'm still sorry that I made you."

"It's nothing, really."

Seonghwa quietly exited the kitchen, leaving you alone with your best friend.

"You okay now?" He asked, concerned.

"Yeah. Just my normal reaction to messing up."

"You don't have to live like that anymore, Y/N." You felt Hongjoong's arms wrap around you comfortingly.  "It was his reactions that weren't normal. No one deserves to be made to feel like shit every day and certainly not over silly things like a spilled drink or forgetting to put something away."

You let out a big breath and relaxed into Hongjoong's embrace. Once he felt you had calmed down properly he spoke again.

"Do you wanna go join the guys again? The pizza must almost be here."  

                                                    ********

"You can't do that, Woo!" You exclaimed.

"I can! I've always played like that." the dark-haired boy retorted.

"That is not how you play. I'm not having it." You replied, setting your cards down and picking your phone up to Google the official rules of Uno.

"Y/N, I've been trying to tell him this for six years but we always end up arguing." Yeosang said wearily.

"Yeah." Yunho added, "That's why we never play Uno anymore."

You found the official Uno page and read over the rules until you found what you were after.

"When a person places this card the next player will have to pick up two cards and forfeit their turn." You read word-for-word off the screen. "You have to pick up two cards. You can't just put another plus two card and make me pick up four!"

"Well...that's not how I play." Wooyoung replied stubbornly but you could be just as stubborn.

"Okay then...I just won't play with you if you cheat."

Wooyoung gasped dramatically at the implication of cheating while the others all laughed at your childish interaction.

It felt so good having fun for a change. Spending time with people who seemed to genuinely like you and have fun with you, too. People who weren't constantly looking out for any mistakes you made so they could make you feel like shit.

You'd spent quite a few evenings at the dorm with Hongjoong and the boys and you were slowly starting to relax around them - enough to start arguing over game rules, certainly, but you still had a lot of doubt. Despite your last relationship you still had a tendency to trust too easily because you were desperate for warmth and friendship. The voice in your head had taken the place of your ex, constantly telling you you weren't good enough, that no one could ever want you, you weren't funny or pretty or interesting in any way. So, even though it had the potential to destroy all the progress you'd made so far, you felt yourself trusting them more and more because they seemed so nice and kind. They appeared to accept you for who you were and not judge your looks or size. Laughing at how you and Woo were playfully arguing it appeared like they really liked having you around. You just hoped the voice was wrong and you weren't setting yourself up for more pain when you found out they were just pretending to like you for Hongjoong's sake.

                                                      ********

You were sitting on the couch in the boys' dorm for another evening of a Netflix series and pizza - Yeosang and Jongho had won the battle this time, it was a horror and Mingi was not happy. Despite your original impression of him being big and intimidating he was actually just a big baby who loved affection just as much as you and right now he was holding on to your hand and squeezing his eyes shut every time the music that signalled something bad was about to happen started playing. You couldn't blame him, though, you were holding his hand just as tight and watching the tv through half-closed eyes so you could shut them quicker if something scary did appear on the screen. Your best friend, Hongjoong, was sitting on your other side, hand lightly resting on your leg in a comforting way because he knew you didn't like scary programmes.

"I still enjoy the storylines even if they do scare me." You'd told him after the episode ended, when he asked you why you still wanted to watch them.

"Do you want the last slice, Y/N?" Mingi asked, holding up the pizza box from the Hawaiian you'd shared again.

"I really shouldn't." You sighed, "You have it."

"What do you mean?" The tall brown-haired boy asked, confused.

"Well..it's alright for you guys to eat a lot because you all dance all day and work it off. You don't get fat from it. I'm just getting bigger and bigger so I need to lose some weight."

"That's stupid." San said, matter-of-factly, "There's nothing wrong with how you are."

You knew San meant well and didn't judge you but when he said 'how you are' it just cemented in your head that 'how you were' wasn't good at all. It was the same as being told you look good 'for your size' - if you weren't overweight he would surely have just said there's nothing wrong with you.

"Thanks, San but I don't feel like I'm fine like this." You said feeling awkward as everyone was looking at you now.

"I can teach you to dance, if you like. It's really good exercise." Yunho offered.

You know their practice room is upstairs, right? You'd probably go through the floor. The voice in your head mocked you.

"You do not want to see me trying to dance." You grimaced at the thought of your clumsy, uncoordinated body lumbering around a practice room.

"You could always come to the gym with me." Jongho said.

It surprised you as Jongho didn't usually talk to you that much and your face must have shown your surprise as he quickly added on, "If you want to, I mean."

From the corner of your eye you saw Wooyoung and Yeosang share a look and smirk and you couldn't help but wonder what that meant. Were they laughing at the thought of you exercising...or how you'd look in gym clothes? You didn't think on it too long, though as Jongho was still waiting, looking awkward.

"I guess?" You answered, except it came out more like a question. "I don't think I'll be very good at it, though. I've never really been to a proper gym."

"That's no problem..." the youngest said excitedly, "I can coach you."

"I don't want to use up all your time, though. You must have other things you want to do and you guys don't get a lot of time off."

"Don't worry, Y/N," Hongjoong told you, "Jongho spends most of his time off at the gym anyway."

"Well...okay then. When do we start?"

                                                    ********

You stood looking at yourself in the mirror, sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt left over from your last failed attempt at losing weight through exercise. You didn't like the way you looked but there was only one way to change that so you would just have to suck it up and go.

On getting to the gym doors you stopped to take a deep breath. It surely wouldn't be that bad but you couldn't help but worry in case people judged you or laughed at you. It didn't make sense for people to laugh because you were at least there making an effort but you'd seen your fair share of larger people being laughed at for exercising and trying to get fitter but you'd long ago realised that people were cruel. You'd be mocked for being bigger but mocked even more for trying to change it.

At least Jongho would be there to support you... Unless... the voice in your head started...

You don't know him that well...what if he thinks it's funny, too? What if he stands you up and you're left here looking stupid all alone? He might even -

'STOP IT!' You shouted silently at the voice in your head, 'You can't keep making me feel this way! Jongho wouldn't have offered to help if he was going to be mean...Hongjoong's friends aren't like that.

You were going to have to overcome this voice if you were ever going to be able to accept yourself and be happy. You knew that but it was easier said than done because these were all your thoughts about yourself and how people thought of you. If someone like your ex was being cruel and saying derogatory things about you, you could cut them out of your life and their voice would be gone but when it's your own 'voice' degrading you...how do you cut your own cruelty out of your life?

You cut that train of thought short as you could see Jongho inside the gym - surrounded by a vast array of intimidating looking machines - and you didn't want to keep him waiting. This wasn't the time for an personal crisis. It was the time, however, to force yourself through those doors and try to take the first steps towards liking yourself again.

"...five...four...three...two...one. You did it!" Jongho exclcimed happily, grinning at you. You were exhausted already because you just weren't used to this type of activity and you knew you were gonna feel it in the morning.

You and Jongho had only done twenty minutes on the treadmill before he had you using the weights. The machines had looked scary and complicated to you but he assured you he would do all the prep work and help you position yourself right. He helped you test out how much you could lift without causing damage as your muscles weren't used to the strain but he said he didn't want it to feel too easy or there would be no benefit.

"Are you sure I shouldn't be using the cardio machines if I need to lose weight?" You asked Jongho uncertainly, "I don't want to build myself up."

"No." The light brown-haired boy answered sounding very sure of himself, "Too much cardio won't help. You need to stress your muscled to make them kick into burning fat effectively. You won't build lots of muscle because you won't be lifting that much and we'll just be doing short high intensity bursts on each different machine but you will tone up."

You looked at him in awe of his knowledge, Hongjoong must be right, Jongho must spend a lot of time here. You looked over his physique as he was talking to you, he was just in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt but it was enought to hint at the muscled he had underneath that were usually hidden under his  normal clothes. You could see that Jongho had a bigger build than the others but you'd not been able to see how well-defined it was before now.

"You'll need to do some cardio before and after, of course, as your warm-up and cool-down or you could damage your muscles...and you don't want that because it could put you out of action for a while and you'll have to build your fitness back up again."

"Oh, okay. Well, you seem to really know what you're doing so just tell me what I have to do and I'll do it."

He seemed pleased at your assessment of his knowledge because he smiled, allbeit with a slight blush - maybe you'd embarrassed him a little. It occurred to you that this was probably the longest you'd ever spoken to Jongho for so maybe it was just the slight awkwardness that still lingered between the two of you.

"Good, then get yourself settled into the bicep curl and we'll continue with your arms."

                                                    ********

"Ten...nine...eight...seven...six...five...four...three...two...five...four-"

"Hey!" You cried, "You can't do that!"

"Do what?" Jongho asked innocently.

"You can't go back to five when I just got to one...it's not fair!"

Your 'instructor' laughed a little, "It's a standard training technique. You've been doing so well over the last month that I wanted to increase your reps but if I say do fifteen from the start you'd think it too much."

"I would." You agreed.

"But...if I just add another few on while you're already working you'll just continue - well, that's what most trainers find works." He gave you a questioning look and you wondered what he was thinking.

He's thinking you're a lazy, fat cow who can't see hard work through.

'That's not true!' You answered the nasty voice in your head silently, 'I have been working hard.'

"Okay, I'll try." You we're skeptical but you really wanted to show him you could try hard.

Jongho smiled at you and you couldn't help but want to do your best when he flashed you his cute, gummy grin.

"Great, let's go again! Ten..."

                                                   ********

Your muscles were so tight the next day after Jongho had increased the workload and you groaned lightly as you shifted position on the couch in the boys' dorm.

"You okay, Y/N?" Hongjoong wondered as he heard you grumbling to yourself.

"Oh, it's just my legs. Jongho made me work harder yesterday and my muscles are really achy." You looked over to see said boy looking a bit sheepish.

"I'm really good at deep muscle massages." Jongho was already next to you by the time he'd finished his sentence and reaching for you. Alarm bells instantly went off in your head - you didn't want him to touch you. It was enough that he saw you sweating and looking less than dignified at the gym, you didn't want him to be able to feel your flabby legs, as well.

"No!" You virtually shouted as you pulled your legs up under you so fast, ignoring your muscles' complaints.

"I'm sorry." You said in a small voice as Jongho looked confused and - maybe -a little hurt. The other boys were all looking at you, too, having been surprised by your outburst.

"I just...don't really like people touching me much." The apologetic look was clear on your face as you tried to explain so he knew it was your problem and nothing against him.

"It’s okay, I understand that. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable." He smiled slightly but you could still see the hint of hurt on his face.

You felt awful. You didn't want Jongho to feel bad about something that was all you but you didn't know how to make it better so you just smiled apologetically back at him. The night continued on but you couldn't deny it felt a little awkward - especially when you saw Jongho look at you out of the corner of his eye when he noticed you let Hongjoong take your hand to hold while you were all watching TV. The gesture was to comfort you because your best friend knew you well enough to know you'd feel uneasy about the unwanted attention you'd brought on yourself.

Out of the eight boys, physical contact was something you only let Hongjoong do because you trusted him not to judge you. You didn't know them well enough yet and trusting people didn't come easy. Again, though, you had to admit that it was nothing to do with what kind of people they were because they really did seem genuinely lovely people. The problem was completely within you. You thought they'd judge your size because you judged it yourself. Thought they might secretly dislike you because you disliked yourself. Wondered why they wanted to hang around with a boring, unattractive girl like you because that's how you saw yourself. Thought they'd be disgusted if they saw or felt how you looked under the baggy clothes you wore because that's exactly how you felt when you saw or touched yourself. If you couldn't even like yourself, how could anyone else?

                                                    ********

"Jongho..." You panted, struggling to catch your breath, "I can't...do anymore...I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologising?" He asked confused.

"Because I'm failing." Not wanting to meet his eyes you looked down dejectedly. It had been a week since Jongho had increased your workout routine and you were exhausted. You dragged yourself off the treadmill and sat on the seat of the nearest weight machine.

"You're doing great, Y/N."

"No. I'm failing like I do everytime I try to lose weight." You felt tears welling up and were about ready to give up.

You always give up. You're lazy and useless so you might as well do it again.

Jongho frowned and placed one of his hands on each of your shoulders; you went to stand up off the seat and move away from his touch but he wouldn't let you, he was holding you too firmly. He crouched down so he was on your eye level.

"Y/N. Don't be so hard on yourself. This is a really tough workout and...I may have pushed you a little too far."

"You're just saying that to make me feel better."

"I'm really not." He was trying to get you to look at him but you wouldn't. "We've been here almost every day this week and it's probably too much straight after increasing the workload."

"Really?" Looking up you looked Jongho in the eyes trying to guage if he really meant it or was just being kind to you. His dark brown eyes were staring straight back into yours and you could only see sincerity. It made hope swell a little inside you.

"A lot of people think that the more they do, the fitter they will become but if you take on too much at once you will exhaust yourself. If you're struggling, it's probably your body telling you to slow down and allow yourself to rest."

"You think so? I'm not just a massive failure?"

"No." Jongho chuckled.

But you are massive.

"In fact," he continued, "it's me who should be apologising for letting you do too much. You could've hurt yourself."

"It's okay." You smiled, just happy he didn't think you were useless.

"How about we make sure we only do every other day to allow you resting time inbetween. We'll finish up for today and get showered."

"Sure, thanks Jongho."

You were just turning to go shower when you heard him call out to you in a softer voice than normal.

"Uhh...Y/N?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to get a coffee or something when were done here?" He looked a little unsure of himself, which was unusual because here in the gym he always seemed very confident.

"Oh...Uh, sure. I guess we could." You felt quite awkward yourself and you realised again that, although you were spending time with Jongho, you weren't really socialising - too busy concentrating on training. Nerves started to rush through you at the thought of trying to have a conversation with just the two of you but he'd been so kind to help you, you didn't want to say no.

Not wanting to keep him waiting you showered as quick as you could and towel dried your hair, leaving it to dry on it's own. You put on the same kind of baggy clothes you always wore and headed out of the women's changing room to meet him.

Your 'training instructor' smiled warmly at you when you walked over. "I know a nice coffee shop not too far from here, we can go there if you like?"

"I'm fine with wherever you want to go."  You told him, smiling shyly.

The two of you walked mostly in silence with just a bit of small talk between you. You weren't sure if Jongho was shy like you or just quieter than the other boys - some of them were so loud they didn't give the others a chance to say much. Maybe he was just the kind of person who didn't feel the need to fill the silence.

Every now and then as you were walking you saw him steal a glance at you from the corner of your eye. You tried not to think it was because he was judging you but that was always your first thought whenever anyone looked at you. You weren't always like this, in fact you used to be confident and get a lot of attention from boys. How you were now was the result of the systematic destructuction of your self-esteem over years. Being constantly told you weren't good enough, attractive enough, thin enough, pretty enough.  Being made to feel like no one else would ever want you. You used to like the attention you got but now whenever anyone looked at you, you were sure it was because they were judging how you'd 'let yourself go', as your ex would so often put it. But you'd been doing well with trying to see the positive side so you dismissed those thoughts because why would he ask you to get coffee if he was embarrasssed to be seen with you?

The cafe was one you'd not seen before and you could already see it was pretty just from the outside. It looked more like an independent shop than part of a large chain with old-style signage and the cafe name in italics.

Jongho held the door open and you walked in to find small tables with a little vase set on each one. Inside each vase was a pink flower which complemented the colour of the cushions on the ornate chairs. There were fairy lights hung aroung the cafe which gave it an almost magical feel.

"Wow, this place is really pretty." You breathed as Jongho led you to a vacant table and held out your chair for you. Shyly you thanked him and sat down on the plush seat. It was just as comfy as it looked.

"What would you like?"

"Oh, no, you don't have to get it - I can pay for mine." Before you could even get your purse out of your bag Jongho had reached out to stop you. His hand was warm on yours and - surprisingly to you - you didn't immediately pull away.

"Please, it's no problem. Let me get it." His tone was soft but you could see from the look in his eyes that he had no intention of letting you pay so you reluctanly gave in.

"Okay, if you must. A hot chocolate, please."

"Cream?"

"No, thanks."

Jongho went to place the order and you sighed, you didn't like other people paying for you, especially if you didn't know them well. You remembered all the times your ex would pay for things but then make you feel bad about it. Complaining that you didn't earn enough and that he had to help you out. You had never asked him to and he didn't need to. It was just another way for him to belittle you and make you feel worthless.

As you waited for Jongho you thought about your 'realtionship' with him. At the moment it was only at the gym that you interacted. At the boys' dorm the louder members usually dominated the conversation so, although you did sometimes speak with him, you hadn't had much of a real conversation together. You didn't think you could call him your friend yet but you wanted to be able to. Maybe if you were brave and made the effort you could make a good start today.

The clink of the mugs being placed on the table startled you out of your thoughts.

Jongho laughed a little, "Sorry, did I make you jump?"

"Yeah," A sheepish look crept onto your face, "I was lost in thought."

"Oh? About what?"

"Well...we only really talk at the gym. I was thinking it would be nice to get to know you better outside of exercising."

It wasn't easy for you to put yourself out there even this little bit. In addition to judgement you always expected rejection. Except for Hongjoong you'd never had any good friends. You'd had people who you hung around with but not that you'd call real friends. You'd never felt accepted by the other girls. Rejection was what you feared every time you tried to make friends now.

"I'd really like that." You looked away shyly and blew on your hot chocolate as Jongho smiled brightly at you. You didn't really know where to go from here because it was so unlike you to even start a conversation let alone try to make a friend.

"I'd also really like you to share this red velvet with me." He said, indicating to a ridiculously-sized piece of cake sitting between you on the table.

"Oh, no...I really shouldn't." The cake did look amazing but you'd been so good lately, for once managing to stick to a healthier diet that didn't include your usual excessive amounts of cake and ice cream. You hadn't cut them out completely, just reduced to a normal amount. In addition to exercise, Jongho had helped with dietary advice; telling you not to forbid yourself anything but to balance your intake better. In the past when you cut out treats completely, it had always gone badly. You'd stick to it for a few months then crack and go on a binge. Jongho advised to make sure you get the proper amount of carbs, protein and nutrients to keep a balanced diet and stay healthier.

"Don't make me eat this all on my own...pleeease?" The pout that accompanied his plea was possibly the cutest thing you'd ever seen and definitely not something you could win against.

"Oh, alright. I'll have a little bit." You sighed, giving in to him again. "But only because you looked so cute. Pouting like that is a really dirty tactic, you know."

"I know," Jongho smirked, "...but at least you think I'm cute."

He flashed his signature gummy grin at you and you blushed, looking away. You wondered where on earth that confidence to call him cute even came from but as you sat talking to your training partner you found it amazingly easy to talk to him - comfortable, even. You had thought him shy because he didn't say much around you when the other boys were there but he didn't seem that way now it was just the two of you. He talked about so many different things and carried a lot of the conversation so confidently. He made you feel perfectly at ease and despite your fear of eating in front of other people he even managed to make you forget that, too. He was making you laugh with his terrible 'dad' jokes so much that when he held his fork out for you to take a bite of the moist red velvet cake, you were just too distracted to feel self-conscious.

Even when Jongho guided you out the door with his hand on the small of your back you didn't flinch away, you felt so comfortable with him.

"Wow, I didn't realise we'd been in there so long." Looking around the darkness outside confused you. It hadn't seemed like you were in there for that long.

"It is pretty dark now. I can walk you home...I mean, if you want that, of course." Jongho really was being quite the gentleman today; you idly wondered if this was what he was normally like or if he was just offering out of politeness because of the dark.

"It's okay, I'll be fine. My place isn't too far from here." You didn't want to put him out any more. Your apartment was in the completely opposite direction to the boys'.

"Oh." You weren't sure but he looked almost disappointed. Most likely just worried about you walking alone in the dark. "Well, get some rest before our next session. Be careful walking back."

"I will. Thanks for the hot chocolate...and cake." You smiled and waved before turning and making your way home, feeling really happy for once.

In bed that evening you found yourself going over the days events in your mind again. Not worrying over any errors you made that might make you look stupid, like you normally would but being thinking about Jongho and hoping you could think of him as a proper friend now. He was so kind and patient with you when you were working out at the gym but you had to admit you had much more fun with him afterwards.

You found yourself replaying the meeting in your mind; the silly jokes he made, how he looked so cute when he was trying not to laugh at them himself as he delivered the punchline. His smile really was so pretty.

As usually happened, though, the self-deprecating thought crept back in as you pondered just how good-looking he was and wondered what people must have thought seeing someone like you with someone like him. You really weren't in the same league as him. You could see just how easy it would be to fall for him but that didn't make any difference; it's not like he'd ever like you back. Why would he when he had tons of perfect-looking girls around him to choose from. Backing dancers, other idols, you couldn't compete with a single one of them. Your ex loved to remind you that no one else would ever want you looking like you did but at least if you remembered that and didn't get your hopes up, you couldn't get hurt again when the inevitable rejection came.

[nobodyfamousposts]

The Other ML Crossover Nobody Wanted

Sooooo…

How many of you have read Petshop of Horrors?

No wait! Come back! I swear it’s not too horrible this time!

In a non-Miraculous version of events, Marinette Dupain-Cheng is a bullied and lonely girl. She’s creative and resilient, but has few friends and low self esteem.

Things happen similarly to Origins in canon. The first day of school comes and she’s already figuring it’s bound to be another bad year. Her parents attempt to help by sending her off with a box of macarons to share to try and make friends.

Only instead of Master Fu, she happens to run into a rather peculiar man. Androgynous. Different colored eyes. Long nails. And wearing full oriental clothing.

She helps him and even offers him one of the her bakery’s macarons (which he loves). And somehow, he can tell she has problems. Despite herself, she admits to her fears and her desire to have friends.

The strange man introduces himself as Count D, and as a way of thanking her, he directs her to his Petshop, where he says he sells hopes and dreams. And he offers to find her her perfect companion.

With little else for it, she decides she’ll at least check it out and agrees to go with him.

At the petshop, he offers to give her a pet that will help her and takes her to the back of his store...which strangely seems bigger inside than it should be. He leads to to a particular room.

And inside is a young blond boy who D says is going to be her new pet.

“You can’t just give me a boy as a pet!”

“Don’t be silly. This is a cat.”

Despite the Count’s reassurances, Marinette remains skeptical, but ends up having little choice in the matter. D tells her that this “pet” will help with her problems. And the boy (who calls himself “Chat Noir”) insists on going with her and swears to protect her.

She’s reluctant and demands to know the catch. D is impressed she bothers to ask, but remains vague. At best, he reassures her that as long as she’s good to him, he will return the favor.

So Marinette returns home with a “cat”. Said “cat” is very affectionate and rather needy of her attention. But he’s a great listener and will let Marinette vent to him all of her feelings. He’s also supportive and encourages her. He becomes her friend, as weird as he is.

But...

She wants real friends.

The next day, when she goes to school, she discovers a new student.

“Adrien”.

Who is her cat.

She panics and tries to hide him, only to discover that everyone else sees him as a regular kid. Not only that, he’s pretty and popular and Marinette vicariously becomes popular for knowing him. She doesn’t really like this though since she figures people are only really interested in her because she knows him.

While “Adrien” is getting along with the other members of class, Marinette goes off by herself to begrudge his interference in her social life. Chloe of course takes the chance to antagonize Marinette and try to steal her seat to sit behind this cute new boy she’s heard about. This is how Marinette meets and befriends Alya, who is also a new student. Together, they stand up to Chloe and decide to be friends.

Chloe goes off in a huff, and they think that’s the end of it.

But once class starts, Chloe sees “Adrien” and freaks.

It turns out that Chat Noir in this human form looks just like a boy Chloe knew. A childhood friend of hers named Adrien Agreste.

Suspicious.

Chat gets a little down after this and doesn’t want to talk about it. Which is fine by Marinette, because that is what the internet is for! And new best friend Alya is on the case to help her solve this mystery—because this Alya is a fan of mysteries, and a new transfer student from out of nowhere who looks just like a kid who died is definitely a mystery. And possibly supernatural.

With Alya’s help, Marinette discovers a young male model named Adrien Agreste, son of Gabriel Agreste of the fashion company. Adrien was a model for his father’s brand until he collapsed one day and passed away suddenly. Gabriel Agreste has been holed up in his mansion ever since, and has refused to leave his home or make any public appearances. But he has been known to have a particularly volatile temper, seemingly going out of his way to upset people for unknown reasons.

Chat Noir develops a strange interest in the case and asks to visit. She’s wary, but agrees and takes him to the mansion. Somehow, he knows the access codes to unlock the gates and doors, and manages to get her inside.

The mansion is strangely empty.

They work their way through the rooms, including Adrien’s old bedroom, which looks like it’s been untouched for at least a year. They eventually find their way to Gabriel’s office.

And discover a secret entrance to a hidden basement below.

Down there, they discover a pale, sunken-faced, sickly Gabriel Agreste single-mindedly focused on caring for a strange cocoon. The man is clearly unwell and possibly mad, as he insists the cocoon is his comatose wife. And that everything he’s doing is to wake her.

It becomes clear that like Marinette, Gabriel was also a customer of Count D’s petshop. Only his “pet” is apparently an insect of some sort whom he has been bewitched to see as his dead wife.

Chat Noir is furious and confronts him for neglecting his son for “this”.

The truth comes out.

Adrien Agreste died due to malnutrition, exhaustion, and stress. He had been overworked as a model, working long hours and was kept on a strict diet. Adrien was horribly neglected and desperate to get any sort of approval from his father, so he forced himself to keep at it until his body eventually gave out.

Gabriel Agreste had been a broken man after his wife’s “disappearance”. When he came upon Count D, he was introduced to a “pet”—a cocoon containing an exotic species of moth, which took on the form of his wife in a state of stasis. He signed the contract to keep her and had been focused on “waking” her ever since. To the point of obsession and neglecting all other things.

Including his son.

Chat Noir is strangely angered by this. It takes Marinette’s interference to calm him and keep him from attacking the broken man.

Not that it mattered anymore.

Because Gabriel had a contract for this pet. With three rules of his own to follow:

1. Keep her in a cool space with plenty of moisture.

2. She is an empathetic creature and needs to be stimulated by proximity to high emotions.

3. Do not let her feel isolation.

In lines with these terms, Gabriel had been spending all of his time with her so she would not be isolated. In addition, he had taken to intentionally upsetting people in order to stir up high emotions—often of the negative variety—in some mad attempt to “feed” or stimulate her in hopes she would awaken. In this way, the third rule made sense to him in that if she was empathetic and could sense emotions, she could feel a lack of them and would die if she felt alone.

Gabriel is desperate. He’s been at it for years and still no sign of life from the cocoon. He’s insistent that he keep trying though, because everything will be better once she wakes up.

It’s Marinette who figures out what’s actually happened. And she has to break the news to both Gabriel and Chat.

Gabriel misunderstood the second and third rule of the contract.

For the second rule, she needed to be exposed to high emotions. They didn’t all have to be negative. Happiness counted. Love counted. Excitement and pleasure and bursts of creativity and even all the little mundanities of life would count just fine. But Gabriel thought that the highest emotions were the ones that got the most physical reaction, and had thus been consistently making people around him miserable for this purpose.

Then the third rule, she needed to not feel isolation. For this, he stayed with her constantly. But he failed to realize that this didn’t only mean that she could feel isolated, but that as an empathetic creature, she could feel when OTHERS were isolated.

Like Adrien, whom had been neglected by his father and locked away in his room when he wasn’t being used as a dress up doll.

For years, Gabriel had been exposing her to constant negative emotions of everyone he dealt with and neglecting his own son. That’s a lot of bad feelings he was creating, and a lot of sad/mad/scared/hurt and just all around painful feelings he’d been forcibly exposing her to.

Without realizing it, Gabriel had been poisoning her all along. That’s why she never woke up. And now she never will.

Gabriel refuses to believe it. He breaks down. His wife was lost to him again—for good this time and by his own hand. His son was an unfortunate casualty of his obsession. All former friends and companions driven away. Even his own health and well being was neglected. He was a truly miserable man.

With little other choice, Marinette calls the authorities to get Gabriel some help.

She notices Chat Noir had left and leaves Gabriel to the care of health care workers.

She eventually finds Chat Noir in Adrien’s room.

She also finds a picture there. One of the few of a genuinely happy Adrien Agreste.

And his pet black cat affectionately named “Chat Noir”.

“I hated this room. It was always big but empty. And no matter how much space I had, I always felt trapped. I could never leave. Never go out. Never interact with anyone else.”

“…”

“And your room is so much smaller. So I should be worse off there, shouldn’t I? But it’s warm. And so full of life. And you’re there. And I was so…so happy. It was like what home used to be. What home should be.”

“Chat…”

“How could that make such a difference? I didn’t understand it. Because I thought…surely he loved me the same, right? He slumped. “I just wanted to know why. That was all I ever wanted. And now I finally do and…I can’t stand it.”

“Chat?”

“It just makes me hate this place more.”

“Tell me. Are you…Adrien?”

“I was. I think?” He shook his head. “I don’t know anymore.”

He looked to her, wounded and desperate and practically begging all at once.

“Can I stay with you?”

“…”

“Please?”

_________________________

That night, Marinette slept in her bed, exhausted from the events of the day.

A warm ball of fluff purring as he was held securely in her arms.

[ramblings-of-a-mad-cat]

Sorry for bring my comments so late, I have been helping my Mother with her shop and also watching series my friend recommended me, But now I'm here Excited to Read More!

Chapter 18

you know, reading about MC distancing themself from Rowan Never Would not be a total pain for me, Like, The Friendship between MC and Rowan showed in screen was always so wholesome but Yet so sad, because You really don't have an option to keep your Friendship with Them, because The Writing Of The game makes You simply be distant from them. The only thing that makes have a little hope for Rowan It's The Fanfic says loosely follows plot till Year 6 and The Fictober was created I Think Before “that” chapter. God, It's just a paragraph and I'm really thinking in that.

DAMN. For Some reason I never really expected Bellatrix to being mentioned and just gonna Say Poor Tonks, Like in-game She has a Easy going Personality but It's really concerning when You remember What happens and What She dealts with. And can I just Say The Headcannon Of her hating her real face because resembles Bellatrix makes Perfect sense and It's so Beautiful in a really angsty and murky kind Of way? Because It's similar that happens to One Of my Oc's, She has a trauma related to her twin sister that's The reason She has eisotrophobia (Fear to The reflection on The mirror) because She always sees her Twins face and The worst Part Is her Mother stills confusing Them because Never expected The day She Will see The Twins Split up. It's a Story I Thought when I was with my psychologist.

I love The saltiness Of Luca to Dumbledore, It's... actually Pretty Understandable, Dumbledore in The Books was already Shady and The most funny part It's probably Rowling didn't even wanted him to come off as that, Why then make The main Character, One Of The principal victims of Albus, give His name to His son? and in Hphm Albus It's still a manipulator but Like a Dumb manipulator, In The game it's More apparent that He's a Shady person and It's not half as subtle as it Was in The whole series. Having that, I Think It's really satisfying seeing a HP Protagonist actually face him off and see who he actually Is.

Luca is a total softie for Merula, They're really adorable.

OHOH I LITERALLY SCREAMED

Luca Trying so Hard to have a Happy memory for The Patronus It's honestly really... personal to me, like I have Many Intrusive Thoughts when I try to revive a Happy memory because Of my own trauma related Things I Can't even Like things I used to. But I'm really proud Of Them for finally making it, Can't I Even Start to describe how Many soft feelings The memory and The whole “Mitten Is my patronus” give me, Your ideas are so awesome I Can't

Luca comforting Merula It's SO BEAUTIFUL and hits too close to home, I hace Many Friends with low self-esteem believing They're Bad persons and I'm The One who brings Them to earth.

It's Good to see The Racoon Again, I'm already putting On my Inner Sherlock Holmes for knowing Of Who Is The Patronus

This Message really It's too long, I'll keep reading In Other menssage in Other day, I Hope your Mother It's fine and takes care Of herself. Have a Good, Brandon!

— The Remembrance anon

Oh my good friend, I am the last person to complain about late comments right now, believe me. You won’t hear any objections from me because I’ve been responding at a snail’s pace myself (and my beloved anons have been so very patient) and because no matter how long it may take for whatever reason, I am always delighted to hear from you, so thank you for making my day! 

Trust me, the bit about Rowan bothers me as well. I wanted to incorporate the “Rowan is R” theory because it’s almost a little ridiculous that no one in-game brings up the possibility until the middle of Year 5, when MC has known about R since the start of Year 2. Like, I wanted to acknowledge it. Plus I think it can give a good in-universe explanation for the distance between MC and Rowan beyond the horribly cynical idea that MC outgrew them, which I flat out refuse to accept. Luca would never, could never, leave Rowan behind like that for something so shallow. As for what is to come...well, I suppose you’ll just have to see! You are right though, I think we were like, nine or ten chapters into Year 6 at the point I was writing this. 

I have so many headcanons about Tonks and as I went through Luca’s story, I realized that I could absolutely incorporate them. Because she’s canon, she’s one of those characters that it’s easy to forget about or take for granted in the background, but hey - she’s in Luca’s House, part of the best friend squad they formed in Chapter 6, and is one of their roommates on most nights. Plus Luca has a curious tendency to bond with the wildly chaotic types, so of course Tonks would be one of their closest friends. Can I further say that the whole concept you just described about the twins is fantastic and hella chilling? I would read about that. I would read a whole book about that. 

Oh, you like Luca’s displeasure with Dumbledore? Hmm, methinks you’re going to like some of the future chapters then...Truly, I didn’t originally intend for this to be an aspect of their character, but the whole incident with them being punished for dueling Merula in Year 1 really stuck with them somehow. It’s very much something that they inherit from me, the criticisms of Dumbledore, but I never realized that a character this soft would inherit them. Fun fact: I used to have a different MC who basically morphed into my iteration of Jacob that always hated Dumbledore because they were just like him and saw him for what he was, one manipulator to another. In general, I have to applaud what this game has done with him because he’s one hundred percent in character - hence why he enrages me so much. 

See, see now I’m curious what inspired you to scream. Part of me wants to guess, the other half of me doesn’t want to be presumptuous or pompous. Either way, I’m glad to have gotten such reactions! In any case, thank you so much for what you said about Luca and Merula and the Patronus scene. It means a lot to me because with Luca I basically tried my hand at writing a character with a debilitating mental illness, (a fictional one, obviously) and I wasn’t sure if it landed well or not. One thing I feel very strongly about is MC and Merula’s bond, especially this MC. Luca is the one who picked the “We can talk this out” option at the start and never wavered from that. I’m not even gonna lie, I’ve gone back and forth a lot on what Luca’s Patronus would be, but this is a good one for them because it reflects the people in their life that they love. Not just Mitten, but Merula as well. (She’s a cat for sure.) 

Thank you so much once again for sending me these messages and showing me this kindness! I hope that everything is going well for you and that you have a wonderful time! 

[dungeons-and-divination]

HORIZON WALKER RANGER  - Wildhunt SHIFTER - Sage (Researcher)

Never built a Shifter before, but I play a weretiger in my main campaign, so I enjoyed this quite a lot. I think it shows. I ended up with a lot more details than I usually cram into these posts. I mainly try to leave enough space for DMs and players alike to build up on the general idea I came up with. This time... Inspiration hit me hard and I couldn’t help myself. Hope you enjoy.

Name: Ichor (likes the nickname Corey better) (18yo)

TAROTS

Mind: Justice (upright) Truth and integrity as the core of an horizon walker’s mind are perfectly okay with me, honestly. It really tells me that Corey is a person that strives to reach a balance into things, that he knows every action has its consequences. I can see them as someone that is perfectly aware of how they can change the world just by existing and making decisions, so they try to weigh their actions because of it. But they also enjoy watching the ripples that every drop in the water causes. So they dislike inaction too. Why stay still when you can do something and be part of the reason for the world to move and change, just to settle and come back to a new balance?

Body: Two of swords (upright) I mean, a tarot about being torn between two people or in general this feeling of disconnection on his body? Of course I could just stop at the obvious issues Ichor could have with being a shifter. But why stop with something as obvious as emotional denial, when there’s an underside of something more? I had to draw a card to try and clear this up. And the Three of swords reversed confirmed there was more. Corey is actually in emotional denial about something deeper, but he’s slowly getting over it. Still, this doesn’t get rid of that “something” that hurt him in the past and Ichor tries to bury it more often than not. So, I would say that this disconnection to his body is more in tune to this denial.

Spirit: the High Priestess (upright) Most of all, I would say this expresses his thirst for knowledge, that’s for sure. But I’m not surprised by that hint of mystery and sensuality that comes from Corey himself. Despite how socially awkward he is, I can picture him being unknowingly charming. Which is probably why he doesn’t trust people that try to be very direct in showing romantic interest. Well, I suppose he can be considered charming at least to people that are into dark, mysterious, dorky nerds with enormous trust issues. I know that the broody types always attract some people's attention.

Past: Strength (reversed) After what that “body” had already given me, this was pretty much a given. Low self-esteem in Corey’s past is a constant. He felt weak and vulnerable, that was the main reason why he stayed stuck in his research for so long (and kinda confirmed my feeling that he wasn’t one of the most thought of predators). He probably had a deep desire to actually get to work in his field, but the biggest obstacle to reach for that dream was his own sense of inadequacy (someone like him in a scholarly role might have been teased just for that after all). Deep down, he knew he could make a difference though, because every decision has a consequence, even a lack of action. And he hated when people couldn’t make a decision SO MUCH!

Present: Page of cups (reversed) And here comes back that heartbreak, that emotional vulnerability… With the horrible twist of sexual abuse earlier in his life still there to haunt him. Definitely, the emotional denial from his body as well as his issues with trust are a lot deeper and serious than what I thought at first. Oh, Ichor for sure had some terrible experiences. But he realized that he was in a bad situation, that he’d been manipulated, used by someone older than him just cause he was young and naive. And he decided to get away from it all. The emotional trauma though? That still lingers and weights him down so much that he’s very closed off. I don’t exclude him actually pretending (very badly) like he’s way more confident than he is, in certain situations. Like a copying mechanism to try and hide his insecurities so people won’t use them against him again.

Future: the Hierophant (reversed) Well, with Corey this can go in both the direction hinted at by the tarot. He could absolutely challenge the traditions of the institution he belongs to and that he’s supposed to still answer to. Or he could cling to their traditions in a hope to change how corrupt and twisted things got from the very inside despite how it could break him to go back and be face to face with his abuser. I can’t necessarily give a suggestion in this case; it really depends on how things develop and which way you feel like he would lean towards (even with the party’s support). Either way, not surprised that a decision is at the core of his future. 

FULL BACKSTORY

Ichor was born in a cave in the Beastlands plane. His mother, Shianead, was on a mission for the institution she worked for to research more information on how were-creatures lived when organized in packs like that. She actually fell in love while she was in the middle of that mission with Ichor’s father, Purrenbor. As soon as Ichor was born, Shianead realized she could no longer stay in the Beastlands plane and decided to leave. Purrenbor tried to leave with her, but his tribe didn’t like them leaving with the child; Purrenbor gave his life so that both Shianead and Ichor could run away. Once they were back, the institution wasn’t necessarily happy that Shianead took more than a year for a mission that was supposed to be just 6 weeks long. They were disappointed in her, but once she promised that her shifter son would stay to be part of the institution as well and convinced them that in some way his nature as a shifter could be helpful in understanding better the potential benefits of the were-curse, they agreed to let her stay. Ichor didn’t necessarily have a happy and loving childhood. His mother was more often than not away for more research missions and he was left in the care of a very strict teacher, Clirji Brawen, a dragonborn that made him study for long hours instead of letting Corey run around with the other students of the institution’s preparatory schools. He still was grateful to be considered so bright to have Clirji’s attention, since he was considered one of the best teachers of the school (the one that usually worked with realy talented people). Corey was even allowed to live in Clirji's very luxurious house when his mother was away, instead of staying alone in the dingy apartment that belonged to her. When Corey was about fifteen, his mother had to go on a longer than usual mission that she was even more tight lipped than usual on the details of. Clirji had recently retired from teaching and was mainly just a consultant for the institution, and Corey could no longer stay at his house since he was no longer Corey’s teacher. It was decided from the institution’s schools’ council that he would stay in Norvhila Erishai’s estate. She was the very charismatic head of the research department of the higher level school, and she was hoping not only to find new branches of research for the main institution to focus on with her students, but to find students with a new, bolder attitude. Norvhila was immediately impressed with Ichor, not only for his knowledge reached under Clirji’s guidance, but also for his willingness to try new things before finding once again the balance at the core of the institution’s beliefs. Still young, very impressionable, awkward and mostly a pariah with students of his age, Ichor never realized that Norvhila fascination with him, and her consequent attentions of sexual nature, were very much inappropriate. Ichor felt flattered, and mostly thought he was bound to allow her to do whatever she wanted with him by duty and gratitude since he was living in her house and she was teaching him so much (or so she manipulated him to believe). It took Ichor having a revealing conversation with Clirji when he was almost 18 to realize that he’d been stuck in an abusive relationship all along. Also, Norvhila had been hiding to him that his mother had been considered missing in action for months, because nobody heard from Shianead since her last report from wherever she was for her mission. Ichor found out, when inquiring about his mother’s mission, that Norvhila wasn’t the only person in the institution that was doing morally twisted things that somehow they still considered “part of the balance of the world”. In a last ditch effort to get free of Norvhila’s manipulations, Corey asked the institution’s schools’ council to go on a mission to find what happened to his mother and to consider that his “graduation mission”, a test that every student had to pass to prove that tey were ready to become a fullfledged member. Unexpectedly (and probably with a big push from Clirji), the council allowed him to leave. Corey somehow still believed the institution could do some good, if he just got rid of the “twisted people”. He just find a way to actually make the right decision that would ripple the waters enough for that change to happen. And he had a feeling that finding his mother was just the first step in a much longer path.

(As a note, extra info. I think this could be more for a DM than a player but still relevant for both, especially the part about Clirji that could be considered a little bit of the conversation that cleared Corey’s mind on how things worked inside the institution. Corey is still convinced that, at the core, the institution was doing good [it’s something he always thought]. But, the what the institution truly does in my mind is gathering knowledge to use it as a merchandise for trade; they don’t really care to whom they give it, if the purpose is to maintain a balance. They think, since they gather the most knowledgeable and smart people in the world, that they have the power to pick and choose who and what will tip the scale so that the universe won’t be destroyed. But mostly, they are the reason why wars start and end by manipulating other people so that they could get richer by selling their information to both sides [too much power corrupts and all that shit, you know...]. Clirji, despite being aware of the problem, stayed in the institution as a teacher to try and help the students, to warn them if he could, help them get out of that life too if possible, or scare them away with his harsh attitude if that was the only way that worked. Because he felt like he had no other way to break that machine that made him too other than trying to take away the best minds from them. In a sense, Clirji also tried as much as possible to keep the schools and the institution proper to be very distinct and separate, but it was very difficult since he was one of the few people that was fighting against the system from the inside [and teachers were mostly members of the institution too, it was rare to have outsiders as such important staff figures that could shape the students minds]. When Clirji tried to become headmaster of the higher level school, for example, everyone looking in as an outsider would have picked Clirji since he was so accomplished as a teacher. But the council knew by that point that he was against what the institution truly had become, so they just made him retire, telling him he was too old even to be a teacher. And they obviously picked someone that would fit them better and would turn a blind eye on behaviors like Norvhila’s.)

SUGGESTION CORNER

Suggested features Ability scores: High Wisdom and Dexterity (try to keep as high as possible Intelligence too), Low Charisma Skill proficiencies: Investigation, Insight, Perception Others: I had to really think which animal would fit for him as his bestial appearance. At the end of the day, I feel any bird of prey would fit him very well: a classic eagle, a nice hawk or even a raven would be wonderful. If you want to go for something more “classic but still different”, a fox could be a nice pick as well considering his backstory.

Suggested Characteristics Trait: I’m willing to listen to every side of an argument before I make my own judgement. Ideal: The world needs to be constantly in balance. But to keep it that way sometimes you need to act, be bold instead of keeping still. Bond: I want to unveil the corruption that’s hiding inside the institution that made me love knowledge so much. Flaw: After a shift, I behave more animalistic than usual for a little time. It unnerves me to no end when people get to see that wild side. (This depends on the animal you pick but it could be mimicking for a crow, pouncing like a fox, little thing like that, easy to roleplay and remember but that can really bring funny moment in a session too. Have fun with it!).

[jq37]

The Report Card – Fantasy High Sophomore Year Ep 3

 Thanks, I Hate It!

This week, we move forward by first jumping backwards. Last episode, the Bad Kids found that Riz and Fig were missing. Now, we get to see what happened in the meantime. Riz was in his office, trying to put together anything new on the Nightmare King. We’re reminded that his sword--the Sword of Shadows which he got from the arcade and lets him misty step (also, which he used to kill Kalvaxus)--was made by Tabaxi ninjas (seemingly relevant considering the whole Shadowcat thing). He notices that, in his photo, Kalina’s image doesn’t look as time-worn as the rest of it, as if only the part where she appears was protected. He hears a noise and goes to investigate. What he finds, is a creepy-ass nightmare skeleton person in the mirror claiming to be Baron, from the Baronees (the person he on the fly lied--poorly--that he was dating in ep 1). Respecting the fact that Murph never clarified whether Baron was a guy or a girl, Brennan has Baron exclusively refer to themselves as Riz’s R̵̪̹̄o̸̱͝m̸͔͔̂̽a̴͕̾̈́n̵͙̬͒c̸̣̏͠ḙ̸̃̓ ̶̞̇̕P̸̞͚̈́a̸͉͒͝r̴̛͈͈t̷͓͇̋͒n̸̬͛̈́e̴̮̒r̴̝̃̓ in this mega-cursed, fake Swedish(?) accent.

Thanks, I hate it. 

Riz, faced with his lie brought to life, is pretty freaked and tries to shoot it but he’s quickly subdued and dragged into the mirror. Luckily, he’s able to leave the photo for his friends to find. 

Meanwhile, Fig spent the night in a weird fugue state--almost like an enjoyable nightmare. Most of her focus is on this feeling of isolation, fame, and power--but in a good way. In the background, she’s doing some unimportant stuff. You know, packing her stuff, stealing a gem, trapping Gorthalax in it, and going to Bastion City. No big deal. Anyway, that brings us back to the present with the rest of our party.

They make it to Bastion City and, more importantly, the hotel where Fig is supposed to be. On the way, Adaine tries to detect magic on Sandra-Lynn to try and figure out why she can see the photograph but nothing comes up. At the hotel, they unsuccessfully try to get the concierge to tell them where Fig’s room is. Adaine detects that the receptionist has some kind of transmutation on them and her first thought is, “Magic plastic surgery.” She dispels it. Not magic plastic surgery. The concierge is a demon--which is different and worse than devils who are at least lawful and, like, part of the bureaucracy of punishing people who deserve it.

Anyway, fight time! A lot happens during this fight so I’m going to try and highlight the most important parts:

All the employees in the immediate area turn into various demons to fight the party.

Adaine and Kristen catch sight of Fig’s room number (downstairs penthouse) right before the fight starts and, at the top of the initiative, Adaine goes invisible and runs for the elevator. 

Fabian vaults of Gilear’s face--unnecessarily--and rolls a nat 20.

Gilear (who has FIVE hit points) ducks and covers because of course he does. That doesn’t stop him from being completely obliterated by one punch from one of the huge gorilla demons. He freaking DIES. Thanks, I hate it.

Downstairs, Adaine finds a bunch more demons who are with Fig who is clearly being mind controlled. They have Riz strapped to a table and Fig’s about to stab him with a ritualistic knife. Adaine goes for a dispel magic and gets advantage because of Boggy which leads to her rolling *two nat 20s* and snapping her out of it immediately. 

In a very boss move, Fig immediately grabs Riz and dimension doors him out of his restraints and them both to the coat check where she left the ruby with Gorthalax. Before they poof out, Riz sees yellow eyes in the shadows. Familiar tabaxi eyes. Seemed like she was calling shots. 

Riz gets in a very cool kill with the line, “Tell Daybreak I said hi.”

Fig finds out Gilear is dead and grabs his soul. Kristen heals him up.

Fabian vaults off of Gilear a second time and rolls a nat 1, sending him back into death saves. 

Kristen tosses a spare the dying at Gilear and then kisses full wolfed out Tracker because time isn’t of the essence or anything.

Fig grabs the ruby Gorthalax is in and sees that it’s cloudy--cursed somehow to keep them from breaking him out. Not good. She also finds a bunch of other gems which she also grabs.

We meet Kristen’s new spirit guardians which are now hipster Post-Grad philosophy students in a full spectral coffee shop. She finds them insufferable but is also kind of into it. 

They clean up the rest of the demons and then Fabian does donuts on the Hangman. And we are out of combat.

Fig is a little distraught about having almost killed Riz and brought them all into this dangerous situation which literally killed Gilear--even though no one else blames her even a little. Gilear has a bit of a breakdown which is fair. The man died. They try to send him home--Fig wants to give him 10k gold and send him on vacation--but he is determined to stay and experience things and be useful. Also, Fabian has it in his (and Gorgug’s) head that Gilear must be some kind of chosen one since one of the demons in the fight chose to attack Gilear over him. 

Fig looks through the other gems she got and only one--a Celestial Sapphire--is similar to size to Gorthalax’s. When they bring it out, a slot in Gorgug’s van pops open. They slot the Sapphire in and, through the radio, an Angelic voice speaks to them. He sounds like Owen Wilson and he doesn’t remember his name. The Hangman hates him immediately. Fig pretends to be a cop to get info from the cops that arrive on the scene, doesn’t find out anything useful, but does roll a nat 20 on her deception (come on) and briefly turns the game into the sister, cop-drama show set in the same universe as the Grey’s Anatomy sham-life she’s living, kissing another full adult man. Incredible. 

They regroup at a posh restaurant/cafe called The Swan’s Little Parade. Sklonda calls and, after she and Sandra-Lynn do the mom-catch up thing, she has a quick talk with Riz where we find out a few things about Kalina:

She only worked with Pok on missions between Falinel and Solace.

She was great at going invisible and other infiltration things.

(Note: We actually learned this earlier but I wanted to keep this info together)She looks more like a traditional housecat than a big cat like some other tabaxi.

It’s extremely hard to scry on her. 

She didn’t attend Pok’s funeral.

The last time Sklonda heard from her was 12ish years ago.

Riz only encountered her a few times as a kid. 

Last Sklonda remembers, she reached out to Pok it was something to do with the ship the Oracle sank on. 

They pass around the picture to see who can see it and not only does it appear that Ragh can see her (oh, kinda implied this before but Riz can too) he also seemed really bugged out. Tracker says she can use her cleric mojo to put up some wards to (1) keep them from getting mind whammied like Fig did overnight and (2) maybe make Ragh feel safe enough to talk. She also suggests they all sleep in a huge dog pile for safety which I think is great and someone should draw that.

Gorgug gets a text. It’s Zelda. She can’t believe he left without saying goodbye.

Thanks, I hate it. 

Detention

Fabian for Using Gilear as a Launch Pad Two (2) Times

This was a top contender for this spot, even before Fabian did this a second time and screwed up so bad (nat 1!) that Gilear dropped to zero again and had to make death saving throws.    

Honor Roll

Adaine for Freeing Fig 

Listen, I will freely admit that I have a clear bias towards Adaine. You got me. She’s my favorite. HOWEVER, you cannot tell me that going invisible, rushing straight to the elevator, then rolling double nat 20s (a 1/400 chance) to release Fig from domination right before she plunged a knife into Riz’s heart wasn’t the sickest series of events that happened during this ep. What could possibly compete? 

Random Thoughts

I’ve been trying to figure out the rhyme or reason to who can see the full photo but I haven’t figured out a pattern yet. It’s not that only people who have seen her before can see her because Sandra-Lynn can see it and she said she’s never met her--although I guess it’s possible that she has and she didn’t recognize her since she’s a super spy. And it’s not a blanket thing on the Bad Kids specifically because Riz can see her. I was hoping they’d show it to more people so we could get a better idea of the rules. Maybe it’s based entirely on if she wants to be seen by that specific person? But then why wouldn’t it default to the blank image. It seems (from our limited POV) that most people can see her. Maybe for most people a blank space would be more suspicious than a random tabaxi? Idk.  

Riz forcibly installing himself as Fabian’s best friend and it working is low key the funniest relationship development in FH. I’m so glad Murph and Lou ran with that. Also, the fact that he’s basically accepted that Riz is his best friend but the Hangman hasn’t at all is so good. 

Brennan really just shot Zac in the head at point blank range at the end of the episode, huh? He really just did that to our boy. What’s also funny is that, unlike--say--CR where there’s usually at least a good minute of decompression and goodbyes, Brennan just goes for the kill shot and then peaces out immediately. What a power move. 

Also, poor Zelda! She’s already so insecure, this isn’t gonna be good for her self esteem. Arguably, there were extenuating circumstances Gorgug can claim but you know that’s only gonna help so much since he def could have at least called/texted her to let her know he had to leave in a hurry because Fig/Riz were missing. I wonder if there’s a section of the binder on this. 

For reference, the demons they fight in the hotel lobby are a Cambion, and then several barlgura and skeksis.

“He’s just a guy!” He certainly is. Check out his stats. Hilarious but also, I can’t act like my stats would look that much different. 

I truly, truly cannot believe that Emily pulled the exact same hospital stunt again and it resolved in exactly the same way. This is like when I played blackjack with my brother when I was a teenager to teach him that the house always wins and he hit 21 twice in a row. 

Also on the topic of Fig, her coming down from her mind control was my favorite part of this episode, for a couple of reasons. I love how sincerely Emily played the immediate shock and horror at what she almost did (closed book my ass). I love how every other person was so happy to get her back. I love that none of them even entertained the thought that she might be dangerous or untrustworthy now. Relationships at the intersection of constant bullying and ride or die are my favorite. 

While we’re on the topic of emotional scenes, Gilear full breaking down in the van post-fight was very funny but you also genuinely felt for the guy. It’s been a really long day for the guy and he died like one and a half times. His, “I haven’t experienced anything before this moment,” line really hit me hard. And I think it’s very wild that Brennan set the DC for convincing him to go home at 25 (which Fig did not pass with a 21). It’s very interesting that Gilear’s reaction to this series of events was to double down and be like, I *need* to be here. Seems like this could be a set up for some interesting Gilear development. 

The amount of times I have almost typed Balnor is unreal. My brain stores all the middle aged men hanging out with people too young for him to be hanging out with in the same folder.  

I can’t believe Adaine just went for that dispel except that I can because she did the exact thing with Iris’ wig at the NY live show and I couldn’t believe that either! I really did not think (1) that was a good move or (2) gonna lead to combat (except for the kind that gets you banned from a hotel). I completely misread that situation. Like, it’s a world full of magic. It’s not that weird that a random person would have a spell on them. Anyway, this is why she’s the oracle and I’m not. 

The Barlgura needed a 3 or higher to hit Gilear. He got a 19. Yikes.

“I had to ask.”/ “No you didn’t.” (The crew explodes into laughter.)

Riz tells the whole gang about the Baron thing and tells everyone that they need to stop lying in case all their lies are gonna pop out and attack them. Gorgug admits that he’s kissed the Hangman. Kristen confesses to a group of her closest friends and girlfriend that she is gay. Tracker is like, “Babe, what?” Tracker (and the Bad Kids but in a different way) must really love Kristen because she is just so much all the time. 

Fabian: Who are you seeing then?/Riz:...................No one. 

Ally Middle Name Beardsly wtf is a paranoia check? 

The comedic rhythm of Fabian vaulting off of Gilear’s face with a nat 20, him dying, being resurrected, and the Fabian trying to do it again with a nat 1 and knocking him near death is so perfect that it’s wild that it was totally random. This is the kind of thing that makes you get superstitious about dice. 

We’re introduced to Boggy’s second mood this ep which is Boggy’s mood which is a slightly squinted, “Hmm...I don’t know about this.” Thanks, I love it. 

In addition to considering Gilear might be the chosen one (by who? Of what? They don’t know and neither do I) the half of the group entertaining this theory also considers Gilear might be the Nightmare King (”If you are you have to tell me. I’m your daughter.”). I don’t know if the NK does possession but please have the NK possess Gilear at some point. If the theme of this season is carefully filing away random off the cuff gags and making them plot relevant, please let this be one of them. Also, lol at Murph trying to roll high enough so that Riz has the knowledge to stop the shenanigans before it derails the whole campaign.  

The group bestows upon Gilear the positions of Tour Manager, Social Media Manager, and Honorary Bad Kid (listed last of course).

Fig grabbed a lanyard of out Adaine’s jacket and I remembered, oh yeah, she has a very magical jacket that is only ever used for shenanigans, if at all. Imagine being so magic that you have a magic jacket that you’re always wearing that can summon anything (w/i reason) and you just kinda...forget about it most of the time. 

Curious about why Fig specifically was called in to do the sacrifice and why Riz was the one who had to be sacrificed. 

I hope Adaine just continues to loan out Boggy to anyone having a bad day. I love that.

“Maybe this is one of those massages that hurt.”

Really wanted Hilariel to Skype in and ask about Gilear. Her take on everything is always so funny. She is as crazy as everyone else in her family but in such a low key way.  

Lol at the party being like, “Yeah, Tracker healed me just fine without any 69-ing,” which is truly an incomprehensible sentence without context and still mostly incomprehensible with context. 

Don’t wanna overlook the coolness of Fig rolling double 17s (disadvantaged) to command the barlguras. Not magically, just convincing them she was still in charge of them. Very clutch.

Fabian is so much chiller about letting people on his motorbike these days. He let Gilear ride it. He let Riz ride it. He gave a blanket invitation for anyone in the area to hop on before he did donuts. I love Sophomore Fabian. 

Gilear gets a nat 20 for his first roll! Riz and Kristen got two nat 20s. Fig got one, Gorgug got one (he rolled a second one that was lost with disadvantage), and Adaine rolled two but they really only count as one since it was with advantage. Fabian rolled one of each. That’s a lot of 20s for one ep!

[rosepetals-flyingbirds]

Tortured Souls. (5)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader.

Summary: Y/N Stark is Tony's adopted daughter. She becomes a deadly agent and part of the Avengers, well this is what everyone believes. 

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Gifs go to their rightful owners.

Warnings: None.

Word Count: 4,551.

He stared at you and shook his head. “Let me put these upstairs so we can talk.” He answered.

You helped him upstairs and gave the rooms a few looks, it’s like nothing has changed.

Downstairs you went to the kitchen and decided to prepare a coffee, to help the situation, kind of.

Bucky knew it was the time to apologize but his mouth couldn’t find the right words to express his feelings. “Sorry.” He murmured, you almost didn’t hear.

You looked at his face that seemingly hurt. “I don’t want your apologies, James, all I want is to you be honest with me. I love you! And I miss you so much.” He nodded. “What I’d said last month was the truth, the part where it looks like you want to avoid me and is using this whole situation as an excuse.”

“Isn’t an excuse Y/N. I-” He trailed off, scratching his head in pure frustration. ‘Come on man you can do this’  his mind was screaming to him. “I hated the fact that you got hurt and I couldn’t do anything about it.” You rolled your eyes. “I swear! Seeing you injured it hurt me, and all I could think it was how I was stupid for not being there protecting you and if I stood being your friend you would be hurt because of me.”

“What?”

He rubbed his eyes. “You don’t understand.”

“Well I’m listening so you could at least try to make me understand.” The kettle was making the annoying sound it does letting you know the water was boiling. You turned the fire off just to make sure that the conversation wouldn’t end and he wouldn’t run away like the last time.

“I worked for them, Y/N,” His head bobbed, he wasn’t sure which words he could use. “Hydra. I was their best asset and even if I try the hardest to pay for my errors I’ll not be able to.” His hand held the kitchen countertop.

You let a sigh. “James we already got through this, it wasn’t you. They brainwashed you and did other terrible things.”

“But I still did it, yes it wasn’t me anymore, I was tortured and if I didn’t do what they sent me I would be tortured for days until I finally did it. And put in a cryo right after, and it was always like that. But still, it was in a Hydra facility that you got injured on, by one of them. I,” He exhaled frustrated with his own thoughts, now his metal hand broke the wood counter. “I think one day I will be the one to hurt you for them.”

How could you be so naive about it, you let your frustrations and low self-esteem make you believe he was trying to cut you out of his life. His fear wasn’t the best but it was acceptable. “They won’t get you back, I promise you that okay, just over my dead body they would get you back.”

He snapped his head around. “Exactly you would kill and be killed for me. And what if I go with them willingly?”

“What is that suppose to mean? The triggers words don’t work anymore, T'challa took it all out.”

His mouth swiftly transformed into a frown. “Maybe he did, or maybe there are other words? Another way to put it inside me? They did this in the 40’s where medicine and technology were totally small, imagine what would they are able to do now.”

You walked to his reach, your palms were tingling to clutch his face and make sure he would pay attention to your words. “They won’t. Steve won’t let it happen, I won’t let it happen! You are extremely important and we could go through hell to get you back.” A few tears slipped from his eyes. “Can I hug my friend now?” He smiled and nodded.

You hugged him and it was phenomenal. He was so solid and real under your touch.

He placed his face on your neck and murmured. “I’m so sorry I was stupid. I know you needed me.”

You placed your hand on his hair and smoothed it. “Shh, it’s okay. I guess I was too concerned with this whole circus that I didn’t realize you needed me too.” You held his face with your hand and stared into his starly eyes, your eyes glanced at his lips for a few milliseconds and you felt gravity pushing you to his lips.

His eyelids closed and when both lips were softly brushing each other you heard the door opening.

You grabbed the gun inside in the back of your pants but before you could use it Bucky was in front of you holding a gun as well and making sure his full size was shielding you from any potential threat.

In the door was a young man just a few years older than you holding a shotgun. “I don’t know who you are but I’ll ask to leave my property.”

“You must be mistaken buddy, this house is hers.” Bucky’s voice was firm and even scary.

You were about to reply but was answered with a dog barking at you with his tail moving so fast as it knew you. “Barsi?” The dog barked back and you forgot the gun above the counter, dropped to your knees and started to pet the dog.

“Y/N?” The man asked, the dog heard his voice and rushed back to his owner.

Barsi was a stray you had saved years back, the poor thing wasn’t trustworthy with strange people since his rough past made him completely suspicious around humans. He was only nice to you and…

“Jordan?” The blue-eyed man placed his shotgun on the floor and walked to your reach, Bucky looked at you and you nodded your head letting he know Jordan wasn’t a threat.

Your old friend didn’t lose time hugging you tightly lifting your feet off the floor. “Oh my God, how long has it been?”

“I don’t know, five years? I guess.” You laughed and hugged him closer. When he placed you on the floor again and stared at you, you couldn’t help but smile. “Wow look at you, you look handsome and all badass with a shotgun.”

“Me? You’re stunning Y/N! How about you holding a gun and using that threatening expression of yours.” He laughed and couldn’t keep his hands out of you.

Jordan was the eldest son of the family Tony hired to work at the house and to keep it safe while you weren’t there.

When the construction started you and him would talk hours and babysit his young brothers. Whenever Tony left the town he would let Happy with you there and a device that you quote “would bring me here in seconds if you click, whatever you need just click it”.

You were so nostalgic looking at your old friend that you didn’t realize Bucky was in the same room, you darted your eyes to him and saw that his gun was in the back of his pants and he was paying attention to Jordan and the door, he thought that someone would enter there and kidnap you.

Bucky.

James finally told you what his fears were about. He was so scared when Steve asked him to be with you in a random house that his hands were shaking, he was worried that you hated him.

The last time you two spoke wasn’t much pleased, counting the fight and the words that made him leave you and spent the majority of time running away from you.

If Steve called him to watch something on the TV you were there so he declined, if Sam said you all would hang out but you would be there he also declined. Therefore the other missions he managed to go in a short amount of time in 4 weeks.

Then the phone had to beep with a message, he wasn’t really good with this, especially because he could only use his right hand to type the words on the small keyboard. But when he clicked on the small button it appeared 'New Message: Y/N’ he unlocked his phone and saw the simple message. 'Reunion on Steve’s, it’s important. Come as soon as possible.’ it probably was the type of message you had sent to more than one number, but after one month ignoring each other existence, it would be extremely important for you suddenly text him.

At Steve’s he felt uneasy, of course, he had been there before, but you were living there.

Steve's mugs were beside your mugs, the TV was beside a picture of you hugging Tony. The second room that would hold unnecessary things was a bed and your favorite duvet above it, his eyes darted everywhere as he always does after all his life in Hydra and spots a lipstick in the bathroom sink, your favorite color that he knew by heart.

But on that day you weren’t smiling at your friends, you were uneasy and all your friends were gathered in the same place, making the small apartment crowded.

His mind wasn’t good to him, so he knew eventually he would hurt you somehow. Isn’t possible for someone like him deserves someone like you.

He never got the guts to tell you how he truly felt, he tried to show you but he knew he didn’t make a good job since every time he tried to use the Buck Barnes old-fashioned lines you would look at him curiously with an ear to ear smile plastered on your face, he probably wasn’t as charming as his previous life.

So the days matured to weeks and weeks became months. You got injured and if it wasn’t good luck, you would be in a coffin now.

Your past came up and someone was trying to incriminate you. It’s like everything happened in a blink of eyes. He clearly got shocked at first and even a little sad, how come you had never told him about your past? You knew him, even the hideous parts that plague his nights of pure nightmare and remorse.

You knew everything, and when the subject about how you ended being Tony adopted child came up you would only answer with 'he saved me from a bad life’, no one knew how bad it truly was.

And now he was in a house pretty far away from all the responsibilities and duties of a hero. Just two stubborn people who had the chance to finally have a real conversation.

When Steve left both of you there he said “take care of her, and please try to talk with Y/N. She misses you as much as you miss her.”

Then he saw Steve going to hug you and paid attention to how sad and exhausted you were, it wasn’t easy to be a target as the bad guy and treated as such, and with the whole chaos, you were the target now.

A really exceptional one for the matter.

Bucky took a deep breath and tried to calm his instincts of avoiding the whole feelings position. But then you talked to him and he remembered Steve’s words dancing on his subconscious.

Things lead to another and then you were in front of him offering support like you weren’t suffering or terrified of your current life situation.

His eyes darted to your lips but then you did the same to his, you closed the space so slowly and when the electricity of your lips brushing so slightly against each other made him feel like the innocent 18 years old kid that tried his bests attempts to impress a dame back in the day.

He was ready to deepen the kiss and hold you tight against his body, but he sensed some steps and then the door opened making him retrieve his actions and take his gun and protect you of whoever would that be. But the person was apparently someone so close that you’d skip Bucky’s existence and devoted your entire attention to the Jordan guy.

How could you two been almost kissing in seconds ago and now you are staring at another man as he was the love of your life?

Bucky frowned his eyebrows, he thought that you probably regretted what would have happened and now you’ll try to ignore the fact that both had almost kissed, reasonably only heat of the moment, you were exhausted of all the stress and was probably seeking for some sexual relief.

Nothing besides that.

“Hmm,” Bucky got out of his thoughts and saw Jordan's hand in the air. “I said my name is Jordan and I’m glad to meet you,” Jordan said awkwardly, Bucky nodded and shook his hand with his flesh hand, he didn't answer.

You were confused about Bucky’s ministrations. “Jordan, this is my friend Buck. Buck, this is my old friend Jordan.” Bucky nodded and Jordan retrieved his hand to his jean pocket.

Bucky didn’t trust the man, five years? A lot of things can happen, he could be a spy or someone hired to kill you. Jordan cleared his throat. “Well I’ll let you guys settle down, I have a few things to fix so I’ll let you two alone.” He looked at both bodies while informed, making sure Bucky knew he wasn’t a threat. He looked at you and went for another hug. “It was really good to see you again.” You agreed.

You accompanied him to the door where he got the shotgun and whistled to Barsi. “My house is just west through the woods. You can’t miss it. If you need anything just come by.” You thanked him and closed the door sending a kiss to Barsi.

Y/N.

You stepped back to the kitchen and combed your hair with your fingers.

Bucky was with his arms crossed over his chest.

Two guns now decorated the countertop.

You looked at him and he was looking at the guns. “I met him when I was 14 years old, Tony hired him and his family to take care of the place while we were gone, and well that means constantly.” You admitted with a shy smile. You looked at the kettle, with everything that happened you had forgotten your coffee. “The water is probably cold by now.” He gave you a small smile.

“I’ll look around to make sure the place is safe.” He said leaving the place not pausing for your reply.

You closed your eyes and chewed your cheek, 'he slipped again’ you thought.

                                …

The following hours you hadn’t seen Bucky, if he wasn’t a strongly trained assassin you would be anxious about his whereabouts, but you know he can take care of himself.

You made your coffee and walked around the house sipping the hot liquid.

So many memories, it’s a shame you just got back in the house because circumstances got complicated.

When the coffee ended and your mug got empty, you washed the dishes and went to your room to unpack your bag.

Bucky had left it above the bed and you began to put the clothes in the wardrobe. His bags were in the room at the end of the hall, maybe even in his sleep, he required space between you two.

You thought about his previous words, if he was any other person you would believe it was a pure trick, but Bucky was different, as cliche, it might sounds, he wouldn’t lie to you.

Your fingertips touched your lips where his own brushed softly when it happened your heart was beating so fast you felt an eagerness to pull him closer and claim his lips.

But it got interrupted, probably it was for the best. Maybe if it had led further the whole situation would be awkward. Even more.

But Bucky approached too, it wasn’t you chasing his lips, he was chasing yours likewise. Perhaps he does like you, could it be possible? All the teasing Sam had done, all the expressions Wanda gave you whenever he passed through the living room…

No, if he did like you, he would have said something by now. He merely say anything philandering to you, just some jokes here and there of how his lines were before but never addressed them to you.

At least you suppose so.

                                …

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