#he had a little ladybird moment ok | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pigeontheoneandonly · 4 years

Text

Lemongrass

So this was nominally supposed to be about a cooking lesson (loosely prompted by a post from @dr-ladybird), but it came out much more bittersweet and melancholy.

Thanks to @pushingsian for the beta!

NB: In my version of Mass Effect, Nathaly Shepard is vegetarian, and Kaidan Alenko's mother is Thai.

Lemongrass

The haunting quiet of a Canadian night along the Sunshine Coast still kept Shepard awake, even after two months. She missed the endless creaking of the ship, the muffled voices coming through the hatches and decks, the hum of the drive core lulling her to sleep. Everyone thought space was silent. She snorted and wrapped her arms around herself as she shivered on the porch, drawing a blanket close like a shawl. This was silence, this… lonely wilderness.

Footsteps fell soft on the cabin’s wooden floor. She glanced over her shoulder, and saw Kaidan padding barefoot to the door, still rubbing his eyes. Her face broke into a smile despite herself, quiet, tired. “Hey.”

“It’s cold out here tonight.” He rubbed his arms. “Can’t sleep again?”

“You don’t need to get up,” she replied, sidestepping the question.

He glanced out over the property, towards the coastline a half-acre away. “It wasn’t this quiet when I bought it.”

This was where he’d sunk his L2 reparations, into this piece of earth, though the house came after the war. His neighbors weren’t ever sitting in his lap, exactly, but a fair number either hadn’t survived or hadn’t returned. But the lack of people wasn’t the problem. “It’s a planet. It’s never going to be—”

Shepard stopped herself just in time. But her startled guilty glance, at the near slip, said it all anyway. His shoulders sank. “Come inside.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

He put his arm around her and gave her a tug. “Come inside.”

The door swung shut. The main room was cozy in a hand-made sort of way. Kaidan’s mother had sent a seemingly endless stream of crocheted blankets, which now hung off every chair back and piled across the couch. Shepard made the metal-framed furniture herself in their own backyard. Kaidan spent his free hours scouring local extranet ads for books, and a coffee maker, lamps, cushions, anything anyone was selling or trading in the mostly cashless post-war economy. Earth could barely manufacture essentials, much less everyday comforts.

Now he walked over to the small corner defining their kitchen and lit the stove. She hiked one of those blankets higher on her shoulders. “What are you doing?”

“You’ll sleep better with something warm in you.”

She joined him, putting her hand on his hip, leaning towards his ear. “I can think of something warm you could put in me.”

That got her a quick snort of a laugh, as she hoped. “That just wakes you up more.”

But his brown eyes sparkled in the dim light of the slumbering house.

She heaved a sigh, but pushed a lock of red hair behind her ear, and switched gears. “Need a hand?”

Flirtatious interest turned to surprise. “You want to help me cook.”

“Come on. I haven’t boiled a pot dry in weeks.” A touch defensive, but hell, she had been trying. It wasn’t her fault she never had reason or opportunity to learn to cook. At this point, her molecular composition verged on 100% military-issue freeze pack meals and MREs.

“That’s true.” He jerked his head at the cabinet. “Find me the coconut milk, and the stock.”

Kaidan’s kitchen staples came as something of a surprise. Beer and bacon she expected. His mother’s influence, not so much. Not that she knew a whole lot about Thai food to start with. “Where do you get this stuff?”

“My mom is friendly with every southeast Asian family in Vancouver.”

“Sure. But… citrus?”

“You’d be surprised how many people keep a tree in their condo. I’m negotiating for one, but nobody wants to give it up.”

“It’s just as well.” She pulled out a box. “I’ve killed every houseplant I’ve ever had.”

“You’re doing all right with the herb garden.” Kaidan said it with a straight face, despite them both knowing he did most of the work, especially after he caught her burying leftovers in the dirt to fertilize it. Gently, he explained about compost, but it still seemed like a load of middle-man work to her. He also explained about raccoons, which she had to admit had the weight of evidence behind it, in the holes and broken plants they left behind. But Shepard had learned to water and prune, even fuss over the plants, here and there. They seemed to enjoy the attention.

What was the other thing? Stock. Right. She opened the fridge and pulled out a plastic jug, the remains of a giant batch Kaidan made last week from all their vegetable scraps. It had been an experiment, but somehow, all of Kaidan’s kitchen experiments seemed to work out.

“Put that in the pot,” he said, pointing.

She complied, with one raised eyebrow. “Don’t you think this burner is up a little high?”

“It needs to reduce.” He gave the pot an expert swirl and set it back down. “We still have mushrooms?”

“I think so.” They’d stored up too much in the lower drawer. She sorted through the items. “What’re we making?”

“Soup.” He declined to elaborate, and began to slice the mushrooms. “We’ll also need lemongrass, cilantro, and some of those tiny peppers from outside.”

“You’ll send me out in this cold?” she griped, but she was already reaching for the scissors.

He put down the knife. “It’s summer, Nathaly. It’s almost ten degrees outside. And the garden’s right beside the back door.”

“Anything south of twenty is fucking frigid.” Pulling the blanket tighter, she headed out.

The moonlight gilded the leaves in silver as Shepard sorted through the huddled plants, trying not to drop the blanket. Cilantro reminded her of home, the first home she ever had. Her grandmother grew bales of it in window boxes. Bending to cut some, she might have been six again, and smiled to herself in spite of the cold. Or maybe because of it— the Arizona desert took on its own chill at night.

Lemongrass was more foreign. Its pungency stabbed through the air as she cut it near the dirt, gathering several stalks. A side of Kaidan she hadn’t known, like the cooking, until recently. Sure he fixed a few meals in the apartment, back when the apartment was habitable. Seeing him now, it was clear he’d grown up watching his mother, and absorbed everything she had to teach. That added new depth to her understanding of the damage BAaT did to his family. It was easy to sense, lurking there even today, in every interaction between mother and son, but harder to interpret.

When she was done, she returned to the kitchen, and found he’d added tofu, galangal (not ginger, she reminded herself, firmly), the aforementioned limes plus some kaffir lime leaves he’d obtained god-knew-how, and fish sauce to the waiting ingredients. He smiled as he heard the door shut.

“Here you are.” She dumped her handful of fresh produce beside his pile.

“These look great. Take this.” He handed her the spoon.

Shepard held it like a dead mouse. “Wait a minute—”

He took the lemongrass to the sink. “Nope. This time, you cook, and I help. Don’t worry, I’ll walk you through it.”

Everything about this read imminent disaster. Kaidan noticed her frown, and pushed her arm towards the pot. “Add the coconut milk.”

It trickled in, aided by her tentative stirring. She put the spoon down. “Kaidan, look, cooking… My biggest accomplishment is getting a microwave burrito thawed the whole way through without drying it out. I know you want to do this whole domestic thing—”

He picked it up and put it back in her hand. “I have never known you to admit defeat on anything. What’s going on? Talk to me.”

She stared into the pot, expressionless face flickering in the burner’s flame.

Kaidan tried another tact. “You’re not sleeping. You barely eat.”

“I…” She let the spoon go, and slumped over the stove, tiredly. “I didn’t expect winning to feel like this.”

His face softened. “That’s because we didn’t win. We just beat the reapers.”

She brushed some of the hair out of her eyes. He rubbed her shoulders, left a kiss on her neck. “Let’s just make soup, ok? Lemongrass is next. Smash it first.”

The damp stalks left small puddles on the board as she ran the knife through them, and then upended it and brought the butt of the handle down on each piece, thump thump. Then the same to the peppers. The motion was almost comforting; Kaidan made this soup a lot.

Kaidan slid sliced galangal into the pot. “Your turn.”

Picking up the lemongrass with the blade, Shepard watched it disappear into the white broth, only to bob back up again, filmed with coconut milk. Already leeching all its intensity and leaving the herb softer, milder, spent; having sprouted and fought through the dirt to the sun, grown tall and proud, only to give up all it made to this. Because she declared that this was its purpose and its end.

A fistful of bright leaves fluttered down over the lemongrass pieces. Shepard started. Kaidan’s brow furrowed, and he touched her arm. “You sure you’re ok?”

“Yeah,” she said, distantly. “I’m just tired.”

He watched her a few moments too long for comfort. “Even the squirrels know that.”

It caught her off guard and she laughed, as he clearly hoped she would. Just one chuckle. But it helped.

“Tofu and mushrooms next,” he prompted. Shepard gathered them up and dumped them in.

She just about remembered to stir it every so often as they juiced limes and chopped cilantro. To her endless gratitude, Kaidan took it back to finish it when it came off the burner; she never could get the amount of fish sauce just right. Somehow, he’d gotten the rice cooker going while she messed with the soup, too. She liked dumping it all into her bowl with the soup, a practice that never failed to earn her a look of mock-disappointment that was half the reason she kept doing it.

They settled on the couch. For a few minutes, they ate in the quiet dark of the cabin, lined in moonlight, wrapped in blankets. Shepard had spent all her life in motion. Now she was trying to learn how to live with stillness.

The soup-soaked rice felt good in her mouth, something she could bite down on. Something solid and warm in her stomach. She hadn’t realized exactly how cold she’d gotten, or how hungry; each spoonful brought a little more color into the room.

Kaidan sipped at his own bowl, smaller than hers, with a slight smile. “Feel better?”

She looked down into her nearly-empty bowl, and back up at him. “How did you know?”

“You skipped dinner. And lunch.” His tone just a little too light. “This isn’t easy for me either, but regularly crashing your blood sugar isn’t helping.”

There was nothing to say to that. “I don’t know what to do with myself up here.”

“Yeah.” He set his food aside and inched closer to her, settling his arm around her waist. “You’ve got a stack of requests piling up.”

“Busy work,” she scoffed.

“There’s never going to be another reaper war, and that’s a good thing.” He gave her a squeeze. “You’ll just have to subsist without the adrenaline and cortisol, high blood pressure, constant small injuries, and all those other things.”

“Tomorrow.” It was too complicated to unpack right now. She set the empty bowl aside.

“Tomorrow,” Kaidan agreed, and pulled her to her feet. “Now, let’s sleep.”

#mass effect #kaidan alenko #nathaly shepard #shenko #fshenko #post-war #fanfiction #pigeon writes

81 notes · View notes

angelofthequeers · 5 years

Text

Hold Me By Both Hands: Chapter 46

Disclaimer: I don’t own ML.

@smolplantmum tagged as requested :)

Chapter 45 | Chapter 47 | AO3 link

Although the plan is to go and visit Master Fu and discuss their next move, a wrench in the form of Adrien’s sleek car pulling up at the Eiffel Tower and honking is thrown into that plan.

“You sure?” Marinette says when Adrien heaves a deep sigh at the sight. “You can transform, you know, and they can’t exactly do anything about it.”

“No, I should go,” Adrien says. “I’ll just be delaying the inevitable. But trust me, Father won’t be stopping me from Chat Noir. That’s one thing I will put my foot down on.”

Marinette smiles and pushes herself on her tiptoes to press a quick kiss to Adrien’s lips. “Good luck,” she says and squeezes his hand. “Text as soon as you’re free, okay? I’ll probably gather the team now instead of waiting until tonight. That reminds me, who’s Petite Souris?”

“Mylène,” Adrien says. “I was…well, I was desperate once I knew that Sanguisuga would get to Luka first. I just kind of knew that the Rat would be helpful. And she was the first one I found. Is that…okay?”

“Of course it is, silly kitty.” Marinette kisses Adrien on the cheek. “Don’t doubt your instincts. Mine haven’t been wrong yet and neither have yours.”

Adrien smiles and looks down at the ground with pink cheeks. “She suits it, doesn’t she?” he says. “I don’t think Alix or Juleka would’ve pulled it off as well as she did.”

“A hundred percent,” Marinette says. “Can you text her and tell her to meet at the hotel, since she knows you’re Chat Noir?”

“Of course. That’s my bugaboo.” His cheeks still dusted with pink, Adrien squeezes her hand, then turns to head for his car, ever so slowly letting go of her hand so that they’re left joined by their pinkies before he inevitably has to fully release her. Once his car has driven off, Marinette lets out a deep sigh and pulls out her phone.

[1:56 pm] miraculass

ladyBIrd: @everyone nvm about tonight, meet at hotel asap, I’m heading there now so I’ll meet Honeybee on the roof

honeybeetch: asdfghjkl ok lb

what does the fox say: kk

mess w turt u get hurt: how’s adrien?

ladyBIrd: facing the music with his dad

mess w turt u get hurt: :|

airhead: I’ll be there soon and I’m bringing Luka

what does the fox say: wait why does luka get to sit in on superhero business

ladyBIrd: I’ll explain everything

honeybeetch: lb hurry the fuck up and get here

what does the fox say: smooth

honeybeetch: fuck off

Marinette can’t help the snort that escapes her at Rena Rouge and Honeybee’s banter as she shoves her phone back into her purse, then takes extra care to make sure that no one can see her behind the Eiffel Tower leg.

“You ready?” she whispers. Tikki darts out and nods.

“All recharged, Marinette!”

“Tikki, spots on!”

“Adrien.”

Adrien gulps. If Gabriel’s waiting on the staircase rather than hiding away in his atelier, this conversation is not going to go well.

“H-Hello, Father,” he forces out. Gabriel dismisses Nathalie with a nod, then descends the staircase and pauses directly in front of Adrien. The gleam in his eyes as he takes Adrien’s hand and examines the ring leaves an unsettled pit in Adrien’s stomach. Gabriel’s probably just a Miraculous enthusiast, right? Hence why he’d had the Peacock? But there’s just something…unnerving about his face right now. Something almost greedy and…triumphant?

“All this time…” Gabriel murmurs.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, Father,” Adrien says. “I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone –”

“Oh, I know. We all have our, ahem…little secrets. And I think it’s time I shared mine with you, in light of this new information. Come with me. I have a task for you…son.”

Okay, so Adrien had expected his father to act weird because of the news that he’s Chat Noir. But there’s weird and there’s leading him into the atelier and pausing before the painting of his mother with an odd smile.

“Isn’t she beautiful?” Gabriel says. “You look so much like her. Perhaps that’s why it’s been so hard to look at you. To see Emilie in you every time you’re around…”

“Perhaps that’s why it’s been so hard to look at you.” The words are like a slap in the face, leaving Adrien reeling back with an audible gasp that Gabriel seems to ignore. Plagg darts out and nuzzles against Adrien’s cheek to comfort him.

“It all makes sense. You’re never around when akumas attack. Adrien was never in danger because he had magic to protect him.” The hungry gleam in Gabriel’s eyes as he watches Plagg unblinkingly sends sick shivers down Adrien’s spine. He can’t shake the feeling that something’s going to happen, something massive, and it involves Gabriel, and…is Gabriel really Hawkmoth like they’d suspected all those months ago? It’s a thought he’s shelved for his own sanity, especially after Gabriel had been akumatised, but with the way Gabriel’s acting right now…

“F-Father?” Adrien croaks. “What’s going on?”

For a moment, Gabriel says nothing. Then he sighs and reaches out to press several spots of Emilie’s dress simultaneously, and the ground beneath them starts to descend so rapidly that Adrien yelps and instinctively clings to Gabriel’s arm. For some reason, Gabriel doesn’t even react and shake Adrien off like he normally would.

Okay. Another point for the “Gabriel is Hawkmoth” theory. Who the hell has an elevator installed in their atelier?

Oh. Shit. Gabriel could be Hawkmoth. And the Black Cat Miraculous is literally right next to him. Swallowing around the lump in his throat, Adrien pushes Plagg back into his shirt with the hand containing his Miraculous, wiggling his fingers until Plagg finally gets the message and the ring starts to slip off Adrien’s finger. If it comes down to it, so long as Plagg can get away with the ring and warn the others, that’s all that matters to Adrien right now.

“Come,” Gabriel says once the elevator grinds to a halt before a metal catwalk in a dark room. As he and Adrien cross the catwalk, lights begin to slam on, bathing the room in artificial fluorescence and revealing it to be full of greenery, with an odd, cylindrical object in the middle of the patch of grass.

“Father –”

“You must understand.” Gabriel stops next to the cylindrical thing and grabs Adrien by the shoulders. There’s so much tension in his hands that Adrien can’t help but wonder if he’s two seconds from snapping like a taut string and shaking the life out of his own son. “Everything I’ve done has been for you.”

“F-Father…are you Hawkmoth?” Adrien whispers. A corner of Gabriel’s mouth twitches.

“I never intended to hurt you,” Gabriel says. “One of my mortal enemies, my own son…well, there’s definitely a sense of poetry in that, is there not?”

The nausea bubbling inside Adrien threatens to rise into his throat at the confirmation; the confirmation that his father is the magical terrorist who’s been traumatising Paris all this time. No. No. It can’t be! Having that suspicion all the way back when he’d found the book and the brooch is nothing compared to having the confirmation before his eyes. But how can he warn the others?

“…the Butterfly’s akumas create internal change within the target themselves, and so a transformed Butterfly cannot affect themselves with an akuma.” Master Fu’s words from months ago come swimming to the forefront of Adrien’s mind. “And akumatising themselves when not transformed, without the safety net of the holder’s control over the akuma, can potentially have harmful effects on their psyche. Only a truly desperate holder would akumatise themselves.”

Is Gabriel really that desperate that his own son isn’t enough to stop him from going to these lengths? And just how much of this is Gabriel? How much has he been warped from akumatising himself into the Collector? Judging from the Collector’s single-minded drive to capture and collect everything around him, does that mean that Gabriel’s just gotten so much more obsessive about achieving his goal? If so, how dangerous is he to Adrien right now, and is he seeing Adrien…or Chat Noir?

“You’re a monster!” Adrien bursts out. “You’ve been terrorising Paris all this time, and for what? Ultimate power? A wish that comes with a price?”

“You don’t understand!” Gabriel shouts. Adrien takes a reflexive step back, then freezes when a small purple thing comes zooming out of Gabriel’s jacket and rests on Adrien’s shoulder. A…kwami with butterfly wings? Is this Nooroo?

“Master, you’re scaring your son!” Nooroo says in a little, high voice. “I’m sorry, Adrien. I never wanted to be part of any of this.”

Gabriel visibly takes a deep breath. “Very well. I’ll explain. And then you’ll see, Adrien, why you should help me in my goal.”

“I’ll never help –”

But the cylinder starts to whir and the top of it slides open before Adrien can finish his sentence, to reveal – to reveal – no –

“Mother?” Adrien claps a hand over his mouth to hold back the bile that rises at the sight of Emilie Agreste inside the cylinder – the coffin – with her eyes closed, dressed in a sleek white suit, looking as though she’s just sleeping rather than – rather than –

“She’s not dead,” Gabriel says as Adrien sinks to his knees and rocks back and forth, trying desperately to cope with the sudden influx of emotions coursing through him at the knowledge that his mother isn’t dead, she’s been here all this time, underneath his feet! “Merely damaged by the Peacock Miraculous. You ask why I want the Ladybug and Black Cat Miraculouses? I want to fix the damage done to her, to bring your mother back for you!”

“Did Nooroo tell you there’s a price to pay?” Plagg comes darting out of Adrien’s shirt and hovers in front of Gabriel, thankfully without the ring. “You really wanna mess with the universe, Gabriel Agreste?”

“I know…sacrifice myself –”

“– don’t get to pick who –”

The whole exchange is distorted, like Adrien’s underwater, but it still somewhat registers in his frying brain. Desperate, he fumbles in his pocket for something, anything to ground him, and his fingers close around something bumpy, something that turns out to be a little charm when he pulls it out – Marinette’s lucky charm! Of course! His lucky charm from his lady!

“– universe could take Adrien, but you don’t seem to give enough of a shit about him –”

“– you dare –”

Adrien can’t breathe – why is the light so bright, why is his mother there, taunting him, just out of reach, little butterfly thing in front of him, mouthing something, but he can’t hear, he can’t hear, he can’t breathe, purple light, why did butterfly thing disappear –

“– universe would shift to accommodate – not just as simple as swapping a life for a life –”

“Enough!” Adrien clutches at his hair, yanking, gasping, struggling to draw in oxygen as black spots dance at the edge of his vision. “Why? Why? Why? Just leave me alone!”

“Adrien. Son. Look at me.”

Purely on autopilot, Adrien’s body obeys and when he looks up, his father is no longer there. No, now it’s a man with a silvery head mask, dressed in a purple suit – it’s Hawkmoth, his mortal enemy, his father –

“You can help me,” Hawkmoth says in a voice that sounds a million miles away. “Join me, son, and help me take Ladybug’s Miraculous. Then you’ll have your mother back. Isn’t that what you want?”

Hawkmoth’s words are smooth, honeyed, sticking to Adrien, trying to draw him into their trap. But…no. He’s a hero. He can’t betray his lady, his Marinette, all his friends, the world, just to bring back someone who he’s already started to move on from, because yeah, it hurts to think of Emilie, but he’s been making progress, he’s moving on –

“No,” Adrien gasps around the iron band constricting his chest. “I can’t. I won’t.”

“Don’t be selfish!” Hawkmoth hisses. “You want your mother back! I’m doing this for you!”

“Not like this!”

Hawkmoth sighs and flips open the top of his cane. “Then I have no choice.”

“Adrien, look out!” Plagg cries as an evil, dark butterfly emerges from the cane and makes a beeline for Adrien. He gasps and shuffles back, trying desperately to avoid it, because he can’t give in, he can’t betray everyone, but there’s nowhere to go, nowhere to run, why can’t he get away from this?

“Plagg! Please!” Adrien’s voice cracks as the akuma darts at his lucky charm, and he’s suddenly filled with despair, betrayal, he’s drowning in it, he wants to cry and scream and do something, anything, to fix this, to right this wrong that’s been done against him, he just wants it all to go away, he can’t cope –

“Be strong, kid!” says a voice through the fog as something brushes against his side.

“No!” Hawkmoth bellows, both far away and deep in Adrien’s mind, so deep that he can’t get away no matter how much he gasps and cries and tugs at his hair. “Fine. It matters not. You can just get the ring back for me.”

“No,” Adrien chokes. It’s clear in that moment that he’s not going to be able to hold out, not in his current state of mind, but if he can just hold on, he can give Plagg a chance to get away and then the ring will be safe from Hawkmoth.

“Yes.” The word reverberates through Adrien’s mind, compelling him to obey. “Phantom, you will obey me. I grant you the power to possess others, to control them and bend them to your will. Once you bring me the Ladybug and Black Cat Miraculouses, you’ll have your mother back. Your family will be whole again. Do we have a deal?”

“N-No!”

“Yes!”

“No!”

“Yes!”

“Stopitstopitstopit – get out of my head –”

“Obey me!”

The direct order from his father slams into him both physically and mentally, unbalancing him, and that brief lapse in resistance is just what Hawkmoth needs, and cold, sickly power washes over Adrien, enveloping him, pushing him down into the abyss until everything is dark and he knows nothing…

Devoid of spirit, Phantom rises to his feet. The purple man in front of him grins, and he knows he should hate this man – Hawkmoth – but he just can’t muster up any feelings of hatred. He’s blank, floating in apathy, and it’s actually kind of blissful in a way, to not have to care about anything except what Hawkmoth tells him to do.

“Good boy, Phantom,” Hawkmoth purrs. “You’ll listen to your father, won’t you? Tell me: who is Ladybug? Who are the other Miraculous holders?”

Opening his mouth to follow that order is like a bucket of cold water falling on Phantom; he gasps and staggers back, then fumbles for the pitch-black bracelet around his ghostly white wrist to get this evil butterfly away, far away, and if he can get it to Ladybug – to Marinette – because he can’t betray his teammates, he can’t, if he has a smidgen of resistance then let it be for this –

“Enough!” Hawkmoth says, and Phantom sinks back beneath the waves of apathy, swaying on the spot as he awaits his next order, his resistance thoroughly squashed. “No matter. Phantom, you will simply take me to the other Miraculouses yourself.”

They’ll all be together at the Eiffel Tower, but that won’t be until tonight. And the thought of betraying Ladybug causes the faintest stirrings of some kind of feeling deep in Phantom’s core, so he steers himself as far away from it as possible so that he doesn’t have to leave this blissful apathy.

But if Hawkmoth wants Miraculouses, well, Phantom knows exactly where to go to get them.

#miraculous ladybug #ml fic #aotq fic #aotq: hold me #marinette dupain-cheng #adrien agreste #gabriel agreste #hawkmoth #gabriel agreste's a+ parenting #akumatized adrien #phantom #poor nooroo #adrinette #adrienette

30 notes · View notes

spnjediavenger · 6 years

Text

Chapter 5.5: “What do I do?”

A/N: I had more I wanted to add to the episode i used but chapter 5 was already so long so i decided to do a mini chapter.

Disclaimers: I do not own Supernatural, or any of its characters

Time frame: set mid S5

Warnings: Season 5 spoilers, MAJOR FEELS

Co-written by: @sarimaposthumous

Please leave a comment and let me know what you think! And much love to those who have liked and/or reposted!!! <3

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5

Sam and Dean had stopped in the middle of the night to let Kali out, and stopped again during the day once they were a fair distance from Elysian Fields.

Elliana was still curled up on Sam’s lap, so he placed a kiss to her temple and rubbed a hand over her arm to wake her up.

“Ellie, we’re pulling over for a bit,” he said softly.

Ellie opened her eyes, not feeling any better than she did hours prior. She shuffled off Sam’s lap and exited the car with the boys, Anaya following her.

Dean pulled the DVD from his coat that Gabriel had given him before going to fight Lucifer and Sam placed his laptop on the Impala’s roof.

“Let’s give it a look,” Dean said.

Ellie blinked the tears away that quickly began to sting her eyes. “I think I’m gonna go for a walk,” she said, trying to cover the emotion in her voice.

“Do you want one of us to come with you?” Sam asked, worried for the girl.

“No, that’s ok. I just need a little time alone,” she answered quickly, walking down the short hill next to the car and signaling for Anaya to follow her.

The boys shared a concerned look but played the video Gabriel left.

After about 20 minutes of walking, Elliana found herself at a small lake. She whistled to Anaya and they sat down on a large flat rock close to the water and Ellie pulled her knees up to her chest and hugged her dog close.

“I can’t believe it, Anaya,” she whispered, tears stinging her eyes yet again. “I can’t believe he’s gone.”

The dog whined slowly and rested her head atop Elliana’s knees, looking up at her with big eyes.

“Gabriel! Gabriel! Guess what!”

“Ellie! Ellie! What?!” Gabriel mimicked the girl’s excitement.

“I finished my 7th grade classes with 2 B’s and the rest A’s!!!” Ellie replied excitedly. “That’s the best I’ve ever done!”

Gabriel couldn’t help but smile at her. The girl’s enthusiasm put a spark in his chest. And he loved the things like this that she shared with him; even though he wished it could be a parent she was able to share it with.

“That’s awesome, little wolf! High five, kid,” he said, holding up a hand.

Gabriel touched two fingers to Elliana’s forehead, sending some of his grace through her body to heal the broken bone in her leg and the cut on her shoulder. She let out a sigh of relief when the pain flooded away.

“Alright, for these bigger things, I’ll always try to be able to come and heal you; but let me show you some basic things in case I can’t, ok?” Gabriel said. He snapped his fingers to make a book appear in front of them, teaching Ellie the basics of first aid and eventually how to stitch up a wound.

Elliana listened to him intently, taking in every bit of information and appreciating her guardian’s care for her. She loved every time he was around and cherished every second.

“Hey, Gabriel?” Elliana asked as she was leaned into the archangel’s side. Her head, which was rested on his shoulder, turned up to look at him.

“Yes, ladybird?” he said, looking down into her eyes.

“Why did you pick me? I mean, out of all the prayers that are sent and everything…and you said you kind of avoid heaven-y things…why did you decide to help me?”

Gabriel smiled lightly at the girl’s question. He looked forward again to continue watching the sunset. Though he didn’t stay in one place long, like Elliana, he always tried to come back and have a good time with her. Give her some normalcy that she needed and deserved. Let her act like a kid for a little bit.

“There’s a lot wrong with this world, kiddo,” he said. “And when I happened upon your neighborhood, well…I noticed your house wasn’t exactly an exception. But you,” he continued, turning back to her. “You had something in you that piqued my interest.”

“What was that?”

“Kind of a combination of things. Kindness, strength, good sense of humor. Lighthearted,” he continued, poking her side and making her yelp but smile. “You have heart. You’re something this world needs. And I’d have been damned if I let you get hurt anymore.”

The sound of fluttering wings broke Elliana out of her flashbacks. She looked to the side, not bothering to turn her head, to see Castiel standing beside her. Elliana sniffed a bit and wiped the tears away that ran down her cheeks.

“Hey, Cas,” she whispered, not bothering to hide the sadness in her voice.

“Hello Elliana.” Cas stepped forward and awkwardly patted her shoulder in comfort, trying to think of how humans usually showed such gestures. He sat down next to her and pursed his lips a bit, thinking of what to do. He knew he should say something but wasn’t sure what best to say or do to ease the girl’s pain, still a bit unaccustomed to human emotion.

“Ellie…” he started, turning a bit to face her. “What happened was tragic. But Gabriel knew what he was doing. And he died doing what he believed was right – protecting you and the Winchesters. I know my brother cared for you, Elliana.”

Ellie shook her head lightly and squeezed her eyes shut. “He was everything to me, Cas,” she said, sniffling again. “I wouldn’t be alive today if it wasn’t for him. He was always there for me and now-“ A sob cut her off and she hugged Anaya closer, burying her face in the dog’s fur. “He was everything to me and now he’s gone,” she cried.

Cas hesitantly reached out and put a hand on Ellie’s shoulder.

“I understand. I’ve lost people I’ve cared about in the past.” After a moment, Cas spoke up again. “Here, I have something for you.” He reached into his coat and pulled something out. “When Lucifer left the motel, I went back and retrieved Gabriel’s blade for you. I thought he would have wanted you to have it.”

Elliana choked out another sob and took the blade in her hands. Anaya sniffed it and let out a quiet whine as well.

Ellie finally looked up at Cas with watery eyes, her lip quivering a bit. “What do I do, Cas? I miss him so much,” she cried. She leaned her head on Cas’ shoulder and lightly grasped onto his trench coat, not noticing him tense up under her.

The angel hesitated before wrapping an arm around her. “We keep fighting. We make sure that Gabriel and everyone who has died in this war hasn’t died in vain. We keep fighting until Lucifer and Michael are stopped.”

Elliana nodded but still couldn’t push away the hurt inside her. “He was my family, Cas,” she whispered, tears still pouring from her eyes.

“Sam and Dean and I are your family too, Elliana. It will take time to heal, but we will be here for you,” Cas said, feeling slightly more confident now. He had taken quickly to Ellie when they had first met; her enthusiasm to learn from him and her spirited personality were precious to him. And he would make sure he would be there for her, as his brother was.

Ellie nodded again and continued to softly cry into the angel’s shoulder, feeling his arm tighten around her just a little bit. Soon, another presence sat next to Ellie and she turned to find Sam sitting on her other side. She gave him a weak smile and he pulled her into a hug.

“Here, kid,” Dean said as he stepped in front of her. She looked up as he knelt down, holding out a small box. “Gabriel mentioned in that video that he put this in the car and told us to give it to you.”

Ellie pulled away from Sam just enough to grab the package and open it up. There were three items in it along with a note.

Elliana

I know you’re gonna be hurting for a while. But I had to protect you. You’ll be alright though, you’re strong – and I know those two idiots and my brother will keep you safe. The amulet in the box will also protect you. And in a most dire time, it’ll lead you the right way. Next is a guitar pick, because I know you’ve been wanting to learn how to play. Lastly, something for my favorite husky ;)

Stay strong. And remember - I love you, little wolf.

-Gabriel

Ellie pulled out the items from the box, inspecting each one. The amulet was just like the one that belonged to Dean. Elliana wasn’t there to see him throw it out, so she didn’t recognize it. The boys and Cas gave each other a look, but decided against saying anything to her. The guitar pick was white and had a cross on it, making the girl smile fondly. And Elliana giggled a bit as she pulled out the last item; it was a stuffed dog toy – a white wolf.

The boys couldn’t help but chuckle too as she held it out to Anaya, who excitedly took it in her mouth and ran off a few feet with it, bowing down to squeak it. Ellie giggled again at the dog and looked back to the other items in her hand. She flipped the note over to realize it was written on the back of a picture. She had no idea how Gabriel had it, or how it was taken, but it brought a smile to her face.

“You gonna be alright, kiddo?” Dean asked, noticing the smile on her face.

“It’ll take a while,” she admitted. “But I think so. And I have you three as well,” she said, smiling at each of them.

“Damn straight,” Dean said, giving her a hug before they all got up to head back to the Impala. Ellie called to Anaya, who followed joyfully with the toy in her mouth, and walked with Sam and Dean, staring at the photo in her hands. It pictured Elliana hugging Gabriel, both smiling. Ellie smiled at it and thought back to that day.

“I gotta say, kiddo – I’m really proud of you,” Gabriel said, smiling fondly at Elliana. “You’ve been doing an amazing job. Taking care of yourself. Taking care of Anaya. Hunting things and saving people. You’ve been so strong and smart; you still have so much hope. You’re really doing awesome.”

Elliana smiled bashfully as she looked at him. “I haven’t done it by myself,” she said. “I have you.” She smiled wider, throwing her arms around the archangel. He wrapped his arms around her as well and she melted into him a little more, closing her eyes as she rested her head on his shoulder.

“I love you, Gabe,” she whispered.

Gabriel’s heart fluttered at those four words – way more than he would ever admit.

“I love you too, little wolf.”

Chapter 6 ->

5 notes · View notes

girlsbtrs · 3 years

Text

My Ladybird Moment (Significant Songs in Life)

Written by Mary Ragheb. Graphic by James N. Grey.

(First of all I wanna give the credit for this title to Pablo, that was all their idea and honestly it works perfectly.)

I know I’m not alone when I say that music has carried me through my whole life - whether that was me singing along with the Jonas Brothers in my best friend’s bedroom in elementary school or staring up at the ceiling blasting My Chemical Romance through my headphones in true emo-kid fashion. But I have always had a weird sensitivity to sound. It could be the ADHD talking but hear me out. Songs for me are ultimately almost always attached to some specific memory or feeling, so much so that I don’t think there’s an album in existence that I haven’t cried to at least once.

So I guess this is my ladybird moment/a playlist of my life????

Let’s start with artists and then we’ll get into songs. This is important because I’m starting with literal baby steps here.

Firstly, there’s Umm Kulthum, one of the most decorated and well-known Egyptian singers ever. I spent much of my childhood listening to her sing on cassettes that my parents brought back from Egypt. Obviously I didn’t know how popular she was when I was a child, but even when I catch my dad listening to her in his little home office, I feel a sense of innocent comfort - almost like when my mom used to wrap a blanket around me on our yearly road trips to New Jersey.

Second of all, I have to give an honorable mention to both the Jonas Brothers and One Direction. I mentioned the JoBros earlier, and I know I’m not alone in how much their music brought us joy as kids. My family couldn’t afford to get us iPods, so I spent a lot of time at friends’ houses listening to them on their older sisters’ CD players or flip phones. You remember those swivel-y ones that had a trackpad like an iPod? Yeah those. (Also don’t talk to me if your favorite brother wasn’t Joe. I will die on this hill.) Now One Direction. I wish I was kidding when I say that my first concert was seeing them OPEN for Big Time Rush in 2011. I think that’s the biggest flex I hold to this day. While I cringe at old pictures of me clad in clothes with the British flag all over them, they were honestly my introduction to fandom culture.

Third, let's get into emo baby. I started high school in a whole new country, which to say the least was a difficult adjustment. Kids can be cruel and that’s true no matter where you are, but by 13 and after being the new kid 4 times up to that point; you kinda become a target. And as cliche as it is, it’s what drove me to fall down a hole of Mayday Parade, Paramore and (drum roll please) - yep, you guessed it, All Time Low. Everyone who knows me knows that I love this band with my whole being. Now, there are a slew of reasons as to why. Obviously Therapy is one of them because my god I still cannot listen to that song without crying. Don’t Panic also came out when me and my family flew back to Boston after living abroad for a year. I remember driving through our old neighborhood while Outlines blasted through my headphones - ironically saying “I’m half remembered halfway across the world, twice removed from my second home.” But above all the intricate stories and lyrics that Alex has written over the years, ultimately they are the reason I met one of my best friends. That seems to be a common theme with me. I’ve taken it as the universe telling me to never stop listening to music. Like, ever.

Finally, let’s all get ready to give the greatest round of applause for my college introduction into K-Pop. To be honest, I blame Halsey for this. I have loved her since I heard Room 93 (and realized I was not straight, thanks Ashley), and I can pretty much recite every album she has front to back. So when I saw them work with BTS I figured, “okay, I guess I can get on board with this.” The best way I can describe it is that Simpsons meme where the kid goes “haha I’m in danger.” K-Pop fans have this theory that your “comfort group” comes to you when you’re ready and I don’t know how they hit the nail on the head but they’re not wrong. I didn’t have an ideal college experience whatsoever, I had a lot of trouble making friends because I honestly didn’t talk to anyone (my own fault, I know). And yet somehow when I started listening to BTS, I made a whole community of friends on the internet and ended up meeting two of my best friends who just happened to walk into my job. If anyone has an existential explanation for all this please let me know before I go ask Namjoon myself.

Okay now that we’ve finished that, let’s get into songs. These are in no particular order, but I guess a common theme that I can attribute to them is power. Not to sound like a tyrant or anything; power to me comes in all forms. The power of love, strength, dominance, and happiness.

Is There Somewhere by Halsey (Room 93)

When I say I feel like I’ve grown up alongside Halsey, I’m not kidding. Not only was this song the prelude to my coming out, but seeing her artistry develop since 2015 has made me feel like a greater part of something. Too cheesy? Ok moving on.

Jasey Rae by All Time Low (Put Up or Shut Up)

This isn’t going to be the only All Time Low song on this list for sure, but it is one of my absolute favorites. If the last chance I got to hear it live was at the 10 year So Wrong It’s Right Anniversary in 2017, then I can die content. I maintain that All Time Low don’t have a bad song in their discography, but Put Up or Shut Up is such a big comfort album for me that I still get the same tingles that I felt when I listened to it at 15.

Don’t Lean on Me by The Amity Affliction (Let the Ocean Take Me)

The Amity Affliction is another one of those bands that marks a really crucial point in my life when I had to reconcile with my mental health. Not to get super emo or anything, but having every single emotion and painful feeling laid out (or screamed out, thank you Joel) soothes the numbness that I had accepted for my pain. Honestly, you could put this song on and I would still scream “LET THE OCEAN TAKE ME” at the top of my lungs like I did at Warped Tour in 2018.

Going to Hell by The Pretty Reckless (Going to Hell)

I’m sure having The Pretty Reckless on this list surprises absolutely noone, but I really think that this album threw me into full blown feminist rage. I have never been one to dilute my feminism to make men more comfortable, but after seeing Taylor Momsen clad in leather singing in front of a band of all guys and commanding all the attention in the room (not to mention her VOICE) - I just wanted to be as badass and confident as her.

Breed by Nirvana (Nevermind)

Is anyone surprised that Nirvana also made the list? Another moment of feminist rage. Have you ever had a guy interrogate you about a band or show or literally anything that non-men enjoy because he thinks there is no way you could possibly REALLY enjoy it? Yeah, I got that a lot in high school. And still now as a grown ass woman but that’s not the point here. I watched a lot of music documentaries during my last two years of high school, mainly about the 80’s and 90’s and the evolution of grunge, hence fueling my love for documentaries even more. And as always, girls cannot seem to like anything without being scrutinized for it so my interest in Nirvana was met with a lot of “yeah but you don’t actually listen to them right?” So it seemed appropriate for my response to that to be to latch onto a song that literally starts with “I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care.”

Brick by Boring Brick by Paramore (Brand New Eyes)

Paramore also comes as no surprise here since I profess my love for miss Hayley on a daily basis. I could have picked any song from Paramore’s discography; they are the ultimate encompassment of comfort and happiness. But Brick by Boring Brick made (and still does make) me feel like running through a field in the rain wearing a torn up down and screaming at the top of my lungs.

Dear Maria, Count Me In by All Time Low (So Wrong, It’s Right)

Ah yes, the song that shoots serotonin straight through my veins. The first time I ever saw All Time Low, I was lucky enough to be able to photograph them. And even with a camera strapped to my side, I did not hesitate to jump up and crowdsurf the second the show was coming to an end. I’ve flown to Florida, California, Arizona, and New Jersey and every single time Dear Maria comes on something just takes over the crowd. It’s one of the few times I have seriously felt like family around a bunch of complete strangers. Even when I lost my earring, got dropped straight on my back and passed around the same water bottle across like 50 people. (pre-COVID huh?) I think my favorite Dear Maria memory had to be the last All Time Low concert I went to in December 2020. I was crowdsurfing at the same time another girl got thrown up, and to make sure we didn’t crash into each other we instinctively reached for each other and held hands until we were both over the barricade. I don’t think any moment in live music has felt more precious to me than that. (Also the fact that everyone pointed out that it sounds like an anime intro just makes it even more fitting.)

Magic Shop by BTS (Love Yourself: Answer)

When I say that BTS inject love into their music, I mean this song in particular. After Map of the Soul: Persona came out in 2019, I spent the following weeks listening to their entire discography all the way back to 2013. As soon as Magic Shop came on, I burst into tears before I even got a chance to read the translation (I cried more after I read the translation too.) BTS have perfected the concept of a comfort song and Magic Shop is the perfect example of it. It feels as if for 4 minutes and 36 seconds, you are safe. Honestly though, I could probably throw every single BTS song into this list. They have brought me peace, reassurance, friendships and genuine happiness during a time that I least expected, but needed it the most.

#mary ragheb

0 notes

anothergirlrecovering · 7 years

Text

Lynn 60

From 2 days ago,

I walked into session and Lynn asked how I was going. I said good and asked how she was. She said she's also really good because she just had chocolate with her friend in the office next door. She asked if I wanted a piece but I had gum in my mouth and said no thank you. I told her I had actually had some chocolate in the car ride over and I asked what kind she was eating. She said it was the really good dark chocolate ghiradelli with sea salt. I said oh so you had really good chocolate and she laughed and said yeah it made my day. I asked if she had been to aldi and she said no but she passes it all the time. I was like well they have really good chocolate from Germany, especially dark chocolate with hazelnuts. She said that sounded good and she would have to stop there sometime. I said they also have cheap wine and she was like oh even better I didn't know that. I was like I would think yours carries wine if this isn't a dry county. She said a few years ago they got wine in the grocery stores and it was great and now she's like all we need is for everywhere to sell wine on Sundays and we would be set. I laughed and said maybe one day.

She asked how my week has been and i said it has been pretty good and that I actually really love Christmas time so I have been mostly focusing on work and the holiday season and shopping for gifts. I told her that I didn't want to tell her about something that happened that I knew she would be really excited to hear because it was good progress. She was like oh yes definitely I want to hear something good. I told her about how I had that session with the eating disorder kid in the mom and how I was so shocked that I actually did not get sad. She was super happy for me and was like aw good! You're making so much progress! And she joked about EMDR working and me being surprised and I laughed and explain that it's not that I didn't think I was getting better but that this was the first time I've had an actual experience with a mother daughter relationship where I sincerely got to experience how much better I am now and that I was like waiting for the sadness to kick in and it really just didn't happen. She was like yeah I had a feeling that might be the case. I told her about how I went home that night and actually told my husband about it and that he had jokingly said aw Lynn cured you. Lynn laughed and so that brought up a little bit about my husband and eyes relationship. I mentioned how we have been talking yesterday and how I had some clients that I didn't want to run into you and so I had told him a little bit about the couple session and he had jokingly said how he doesn't miss those days when I was really irrational and in my feelings mind. I asked Lynn if it was bad that he has learned to respond differently to me even though he doesn't feel that way. She agreed that the point of things like couples therapy is to help you relate differently even though you don't feel the same and she pointed out that we both need to understand that we are different people home and that he is a mail and I'm a female and we are biologically going to think differently about things and that's not bad. She also pointed out the importance of going to people who can relate in those ways that you need, and explained how there are certain things that she can't talk to her husband about because he just can't go there and so she goes to her girlfriends for that. I explained how my husband has actually done a really great job at responding to me in ways that are helpful and needed and that I really can't remember the last time that it felt like he responded poorly to me being upset. I said that the last time I remember being upset and being surprised by his good response was when I went to a bridal shower back in may and had cried in the airport and texted him about it and he validated me and shared his own travel anxieties. I told her about how my husband seems to think that he's a common topic in therapy and that she's on his shit list now because I told him that she's brought up divorce. She laughed and was like wait why was it again that I brought that up? I was like idk but it was probably after one of the fights where he hit something or three something or when I had asked if he had wished he had left me back when things were bad and he had said hell yeah. She was like oh yeah that makes sense and she laughed and was like OK but does he realize that the fights must've been pretty bad of a therapist heard them and brought up divorce? I was like I don't know I mean I guess that's a pretty good indicator that things are kind of an issue. She was like I'm not pushing for a divorce by any means I must've had a reason to bring it up but I'm just saying 50% of people get divorced. I was like you're not wrong, but honestly if we were going to divorce I think at this point it would have already have happened and I think it would've been when I had relapsed with purging and I think he would've left me. I explained that we've been through more shit than the average young couple has and if we made it through that then I don't see us getting divorced anytime soon because she probably can't get any worse than that was. She said that made sense and if you had asked her when she was my age the same question she probably would have also said never I will never get divorced LOL which I was like yeah I get that. She pointed out that my husband and I definitely trigger each other a lot and she still things that marriage counseling would be beneficial. I explained that I don't think he triggers me that much anymore me as much as I still just trigger him. I explained home maybe it's EMDR or maybe I've just gotten better about this but when it comes to blowing up over little things I don't get nearly as upset as I used to. I explained how my husband had gone to The movies and he hadn't invited me and before even finding out that he hadn't invited me because I wouldn't have been home in time, I got upset but I was like OK whatever and I didn't blow up and I wasn't gonna snap at him or anything I was just gonna go ahead and make dinner even though it was frustrating that he had been home or at least I thought he had been home and just chose not to make dinner and to just go to the movies. I also told her sidenote that my husband said he would come see ladybird with me and that he had jokingly said that maybe he wanted to cry. Lynn was like well I think the main point is not so much about making you cry but it's a coming-of-age movie and she thinks that for me anyway it might help the situation with my mom because it will kind of pushed me to have some compassion and empathy for the mom. I laughed and was like yeah I kind of like last week when you were like you don't have proof that your mom didn't care LOL. She was like yeah exactly and explain town of being in empathic person in the way the movie was done so well, I will see her side and basically the Takeaway is that we are all human and the more the mom tries to gain control the more she begins to lose it and lose her daughter. She also was like you know I've had those moments to as a parent where you wish you could just rewind that five seconds of conversation and you could redo it and the whole thing would've gone so much better. I laughed and was like yeah I'm sure we've all had those moments. She was like you could always bring your husband to a session and I was like wait what you said you don't bring family and she laughed and was like oh yeah that's right and she was like well I would've been willing to make an exception for you and I was like well that's very kind but I don't think that he would actually come because I think he would say that you are biased towards me. She was like well I mean I am LOL and I was like exactly. She was like well I would have them willing to do it for one session just to try to encourage both of you to go to marriage counseling. I was like well he works during the day but I think he's come around to the whole marriage counseling thing as being like a baby and not be completely hateful absolutely not so I guess that's a step in the right direction. She was like OK well that's progress.

She asked if I have anything else going on or if I wanted to jump in and do some EMD are. I was like we can do that and she was like well where do you think we need to start with working on things. I was like I don't know and she was like well we started with the religious stuff last time and we seem to be making some headway. She pointed out the last time there was lots of questions and I was like yeah I am. I told her about how in our church group on Thursday and there were like four of us who had come from crazy religious upbringing is where we felt a lot of guilt and I was constantly like this I'm doing something wrong at all times feeling. She was like OK will we can just go with that so she started the tappers and I noticed how that constant feeling of doing something wrong kid really fucked up person up. I explained town when my husband and I first had sex that afternoon I was walking to class and I literally started crying because I felt like I had been such a bad person and that I got so anxious thinking that I had cursed my marriage by sleeping with him before being married to him and then I realize how crazy and delusional and stupid that sounds but that really fucked me up for a while. I noticed that I constantly felt anxious about keeping it a secret and that I didn't tell any of my friends and I also told her about how I told my friends and how it was during a never have I ever game LOL. I noticed how I literally didn't even tell my therapist at the time because I was so embarrassed and didn't want to be perceived as a slut even though I was literally sleeping with my fiancé and I'm the least slutty person so there's no reason anybody would think I'm a slut for that and most college kids are sleeping around it just is what it is. That my religious upbringing gave me so much shame around that. I noticed how I had written literally a paper in college about whether or not it's right to have sex with your fiancé before marriage and the biblical definition of marriage and I think I was really just hoping that she would've told me yes it's OK or no it's not and that I noticed that I think I really just wanted some guidance and that I feel like I've never really have any good guidance and in my older teen and adult years I've never had any real adult guidance outside of like therapy but that I really wished I had had that guidance in that a part of me was like man I wish I had met Dixie back then because it would've really helped to have somebody like her to talk to you about it. She pointed out that of course because my parents only surrounded me with people who are just like them and were overly religious. I was like yeah and she said the notice that. I was like when I think of people being different than me it kind of sends me down a self deprecating shame spiral because then I think about how I'm weird and I'm different and people don't generally think like I do you and they don't get interested about the things that I do but that I had also thought about this girl Rebecca who comes to the church group on Thursdays and how last week after group ended we actually stayed outside in the parking lot even though it was cold for an hour just talking and I realized she's actually very similar to me with thinking about a lot of theories and being lost in her head and her humor is very similar and that I really like her and so maybe I'm not as awful as I always believe I am. She would like there you go noticed that. I noticed that it's just hard because it seems like more often than not a lot of people really aren't like me and that you know now my brother is a lot like me but outside of that at least in my family and said there wasn't anyone like me and that in general I just feel like I'm so weird and different and part of me realizes that I think why I struggle with knowing who I am comes from since the sixth grade really just doing anything to fit in with the people around me and not really making an effort to figure out who I am. and being different really bothers me because it feels like there's something wrong with me and I'm weird for being the way that I am. She was like what do you mean and I was like like honestly I get interested in a weird thing and then I stay focused on that for a while until it passes and like honestly nobody else is listening to dear Evan Hansen on repeat for six months and watching videos of them and watching their Instagram stories and reading their book. She was like well yeah, you're pretty compulsive. I sort of had that oh shit moment where I was like wait is this another one of those moments where I'm being diagnosed with something and I was completely unaware that I had this diagnosis LOL. She explained how OCD is really a spectrum and that she has noticed for ever that I have a lot of OCD tendencies and that I'm definitely on that spectrum and that a lot of times that gets misdiagnosed as being ADHD. She explained how her son is actually diagnosed OCD and that she could tell those signs even when he was just a toddler and that he's always been like that and they actually took him to therapy and he got busy with school work so she ended up working with him a lot on it and he found that mindfulness sticking to a healthy diet and exercise have really helped to manage it for him. She explained how he exhibits a lot of those OCD behaviors still, but that mentally he feels a lot better so for the behaviors who cares as long as he feels good you know? She said that there is a guy in the area who specializes in OCD and that he had really recommend at this one book. She actually got up and took the book off the shelf and gave it to me tomorrow and said she will be curious to see my thoughts if I'm willing to read it. I said of course and she explained how really OCD tends to respond really well to SSRIs and that it definitely doesn't fix it entirely but that it seems to really calm the brain down a lot but that also there are alternative treatments like doing mindfulness and exercise and watching your diet to try to manage things. She asked me if I had worked with any clients with OCD and I was like honestly now and they didn't even bring it up in grad school so I really don't know much about it. I had jokingly said so I'm not crazy for becoming obsessed with one particular thing for several months and she laughed and was like what it make you feel better if I said I'm the same way? And I was like honestly yeah. She was like I do and sometimes I have to be like Lynn just stop just stop but it's like that it's that feels like it needs to be scratched and you just keep doing it and really mindfulness was what helped her and that's why she really encourages me to get into it but that she couldn't really just read about it in a book she had to figure out what worked for her. She explained how she has it in that in her family they all joke about her husband is a little bit that way and her girls are a little bit that way and her son is definitely that way. I was like that makes sense and that my dad could literally be diagnosed where he has an issue with checking the locks a certain amount of times each night and that his mom also had a problem with checking the locks each night and also turn the oven on and off a certain amount of times and that my dad also used to have that problem but that he's gotten better about that I think but so that genetic component is definitely there. She asked me if it gets worse on days that I don't get enough sleep and I was like I don't know I don't know that I've never really paid attention to it and she's like start paying attention to that and I was like honestly I get at least eight hours of sleep almost every night and at minimum it's like seven and I was like but today I did only have like maybe seven maybe 6 1/2 and I definitely listen to one song instead of switching between the songs in the car ride here lol so maybe. She was explaining how her son manages it through exercise and diet and mindfulness and that he's obviously a bit OCD about those things like if she were to put a can of Diet Coke in front of them and say just have a sip he won't do it and he will only drink water and in general he eats pretty healthy not like a typical 17-year-old boy would. She explained how she's not the one pushing him to do all of that but that he does it himself because it does make him feel better. She pointed out that a lot of times really high functioning people who are smart tend to struggle with that OCD spectrum. And she was like the more that you work in private practice the more he will begin to see that a lot of really brilliant people, and I tend to think that you are really Smart, so you are one of those people who struggle with that spectrum. At a point when I seemed confused about being a bit obsessive compulsive she was like you're just a tad OCD, I mean just a little bit, Ehhh maybe, right? I explained how it just sucks because it feels like I'm not normal because I know other people don't get upset about things, like six months of dear Evan Hansen or the time. I got obsessed with learning sign language. She also laughed and was like OK but out of all the things dear Evan Hansen is it really bad to be obsessed with and I laughed and was like well obviously I love it and she was like part of it is going to be you being intentional about working on this stuff but also making sure that you aren't allowing your brain to get obsessed with bad things because we both know how that goes when you get obsessed with things like self harm. I was like yeah that or anything with an eating this order. She was like a lot of times OCD gets missed diagnosed as ADHD and she said that her son actually was miss diagnosed as ADHD and they gave him Adderall and he took it once and was like never again I hate the way that made me feel. She pointed out that he had a hard time finishing tasks because he would abscess over each question. I explained that I had the same issue and then I had always thought it was just due to my inattentiveness and anxiety because I would get so anxious about not being sure if I knew what I was doing and if I was doing perfectly or not. And she was like well you might not be a full-blown OCD or oCPD even , but you are certainly on the spectrum. I told her she should have her son try a different one like Concerta because Adderall made me feel like shit too and she was like you know maybe I should've tried a different medicine with him but she was like as long as he's getting his schoolwork done I don't really care and he's gotten a lot better about that now. She said it would take a lot of hard work if I don't want to medicate, but it's all about narrow plasticity and if I want it I can work hard and get it and she laughed and was like and you're willing to work hard right? I was like I don't know and she was like well you're motivated right? And I was like I sure hope so LOL. Also at a point she was like talking about that obsessive lube and how it's so hard because she was like you know your brain just craves that waving out the window and then boom you feel good and you're stuck in that loop over and over and over and every time you hear it you just feel good. I couldn't help but laugh because she's totally right. And I was like and my husband literally hates waving through the window and it is so over it and I just love it over and over and over. She also had mentioned at a point that I'm smart and shes convinced I was a smart kid like on if her daughters was and that would somehow make it hard for my parents to know what to do with me because I saw things how they actually were. Idk. We also briefly discussed the marshmallow study and how those kids ended up being successfull when they had been able to refrain from eating the marshmallow, and I explained how I had so much restraint as a kid that I sat on the floor in toys r us crying because I wanted a pregnant Barbie but also was saving for a clubhouse and ended up putting the Barbie back so that I could continue saving for the clubhouse. Lynn also explained that one of her ways of dealing with her OCD tendencies is intellectualizkng and reminding herself that the odds are slim. She laughed and explained the odds that her dryer will go on fire on the one day she forgot to turn it off are slim. And that with her girls curling irons she probably should have actually checked those lol.

I don't remember what she said about her kids but I ended up asking if her kids were in the nicu at all and if that was crazy expensive and she said yes they were but that you have the out-of-pocket maximum and after that point everything is free so basically once you hit that you might as well try to get everything done. I was like wait sidenote on that note, how often do you send in my bill. She was like I send it we clean and I was like OK because I think I hit my deductible and I explained that I got a refund check in the mail that was because The company I work for him he pays $500 towards the deductible and so she was like oh that makes sense and I have been honestly checked. She said she would check today and let me know for next time but that what happens is I end up with a credit towards next year so basically I won't have to pay in January if I've been paying and have already hit the deductible. I said awesome and that works for me.

I explained that I think what's hard for me is that I have a really hard time knowing what is delusional and what isn't in regards to things that I am anxious about. I explained how I get really anxious about finances and with saving money and how like is it rational them to want to save money and be really prepared for things like God for bid my baby be in the nicu or my husbands car breakdown or our HVAC to go out because technically those are all legitimate things that can happen. She was like well if that's the case you can go the Dave Ramsey approach and really be prepared and have your salary is set for six months in savings and have separate savings accounts prepared for any possible issue that might come up. I was like no we definitely are not going that kind of around and she was like I couldn't do it either and I was like yeah I'm not doing envelopes and shit. I was like or even like with medical stuff I mean we all know that big Pharma is for profit and there's probably some validity in questioning a lot of medicine and doctors really aren't always paying close attention and is it rational to fear medicine and to look for alternative medicines or am I being delusional and at what point is that Smart versus becoming delusional. She was like OK we can all agree that big Pharma is out for profit and I'm with you there, but sometimes there are cases when medicine really is needed. She pointed out that a lot of her OCD client really benefit from an SSRI and that we all know bipolar people need to be medicated as well as schizophrenic or people having hallucinations and what not. I was like yeah that definitely makes sense, but where do you draw the line is what I struggle with. She said that made sense and we would keep working on things. She asked me when I will be going home to my family and I said next Saturday and she said that we have already scheduled for next week right? I said yes and we scheduled for that first week in January. She said we would skip payment for today and she was like make sure you get all of your doctors appointments done right now that way your insurance will cover everything. I was like sounds good to me! She was like have safe travels and I said goodbye and headed out.

And also now hat I've left and thought about everything I remembered my moms mom was also diagnosed OCD when she got sick at the end. She had OCD around fear of not having enough clothes and not enough food. It was bizarre. She would ruminate on that over and over and over it was so sad.

1 note · View note

greenparispavement · 7 years

Text

concept:

Chat Noir’s identity stopped being a secret with the worst possible timing; sort of like his puns. Marinette blinked at the oblivious boy, trotting away from behind an advert pole with his own face on it, and her heart cracked for the second time in as many weeks.

Alya never noticed, not when the first wound from Valentine’s day was still fresh. Marinette had never mentioned her alter-ego, as not only was this Alya, but she had in no way wished the other girl’s wrath onto Adrien. Even if he didn’t like Marinette, and only had a crush on a superhero he didn’t know (after all, half the class did, and that was alright), it was fairly normal for a teenage boy.

And at first, after the second shot at her heart, Marinette had thought it was a good thing. Adrien didn’t just have a simple case of celebrity crush, after all, didn’t he? If he was Chat, that meant he’d spent time with her, and knew her - Ladybug her - and so his crush was a lot more genuine. Tikki had rejoiced at her better mood, and encouraged her to try to speak to Adrien again.

He’d approached her, the day after Valentine’s, because of course he would. He wanted to let her down gently, be the gentleman she knew he was. She hadn’t really allowed it to go well; Alya hadn’t left her side (Alya had been witness to Marinette the Sobbing Mess, so there was no way in hell she was leaving Marinette Alone with Adrien), and Marinette had forestalled anything the boy had wanted to say by admitting she knew he didn’t like her, it was ok, hoping they could stay friends, and then running away. It could have been called a success, except that Marinette had kept running away every time she saw Adrien even try to attempt to look in her direction. To say their friendship was strained at this point was like saying her papa’s eclairs were … good.

So Marinette had been determined that night, as she went to bed, to speak to Adrien the following morning, properly. She’d even smiled a little, and just as they were about to fall asleep, Tikki had dropped - what she probably thought was a good thing - the fact that now, as half the secret was out, it was safer for Marinette to actually share her identity with him, as it was always safer when the black cat and ladybird were on the same page.

Burning hot anxiety and ice-cold dread had seized Marinette in the same instant, her half-closed eyes snapping open. She could hardly breathe, she couldn’t move, and she stared unseeing at the ceiling of her room as tears gathered in her eyes. As she heard Tikki fall asleep beside her, unaware of the havoc she’d just wreaked on Marinette’s mind, Marinette re-lived with mounting dread the moment Adrien had read her signed valentine, then imagined Chat looking at her with the same eyes, saying ‘what? No, Marinette, it’s you?’ with the same disappointed tone, and her heart cracked in a new, unexpectedly devastating way.

People did say tragedies came in threes. She supposed she should have expected it; the same boy broke her heart three times.

The thought of her partner, her best friend and the person Marinette had always, unconsciously, considered a second half of her brain - he just, understood her so well! She didn’t even have to speak sometimes! - being disappointed to find her behind the mask… it was a pain she hadn’t anticipated. It took her unawares, mercilessly culling her heart and leaving her feeling hollow.

Because she already knew what his reaction was going to be. She had seen his reaction, his face dropping as Marinette appeared where Ladybug should have been, at least in his mind. The person who knew her best, who - he said - loved her most, was disappointed in her. Found her … wanting. Lacking. A bit of a let-down, really. If he didn’t want her, who would?

Tikki must have been shocked, the following morning, to find the joyous, hopeful Marinette who she’d gone to sleep with had transformed into a girl in a worse state than even the one after Valentine’s day. She didn’t cry this time - really, what was there to cry about anymore? - but she silently went about her day, smiling only when appropriate, nodding at people. Marinette sunk into her work with a determination and a silent drive that almost scared the tiny goddess. And when Tikki dared to propose they go speak to Adrien, as they had planned, her charge had, for the first time in their acquaintance, told her summarily to shut up. Marinette had never ordered Tikki. And Tikki, being a slave to anyone holding her Miraculous, could do nothing but obey, retreating into her bag with tears prickling her eyes as she realised, belatedly, that something had gone wrong inside Marinette, and that Tikki hadn’t noticed in time.

And then the Surete came looking.

The Mayor of Paris, they said, may be content to let two dangerously powerful Vigilante roam Paris’ streets and rooftops. The central Government of France - not to mention the European Parliament - had other opinions.

It was frightening how quickly they zeroed in on the 12th Arrondissement. The Mayor had never wanted the Heroes to stop doing their job - it brought Paris notoriety, publicity, and Ladybug fixing everything at the end meant no monetary costs for anyone, so that kept insurance companies happy and gave people peace of mind. He had never ordered a police investigation, therefore, and the Heroes were only children. It hadn’t occurred to them that Paris was covered in security cameras. Some belonged to the police, some belonged to banks, some to random citizens or shop owners, all just trying to protect their properties. The Surete had jurisdiction over them all.

Chat Noir blended into the background more easily. They had traced his retreats to one of the richer areas of Paris, then routinely lost him. Ladybug, however, in her bright red suit, was a lot harder to miss. The school Marinette went to had cameras as well, and a bank just down the street caught her several times. Even if Marinette was cautious enough to take round-about routes home every time, it didn’t change the fact that eventually, she had to go home. Sabrina had no idea, when she was excitedly reporting the news her dad passed her surrounded by a gaggle of people and enjoying her moment of fame, that she was making Marinette’s stomach drop and her breakfast try to make a second coming every morning.

And then another complication occurred. Chat Noir, quite innocently, had begun visiting Marinette Dupain-Cheng. He’d noticed, he said, that she looked sad and paler than usual when he’d caught sight of her during patrol - Marinette wasn’t sure which patrols he meant, but she knew he patrolled alone sometimes, and perhaps he’d just noticed it at school. So he’d begun dropping by, bringing gifts, trying to cheer her up. It had been flattering at first, had made her hopes rise a little, until the Surete investigation had dropped on them like a bomb.

Marinette had tried to drop hints subtly at first, gently and slowly trying to tell him that it was too foolish and dangerous for him to come to her so often. She didn’t want her kitty to think he wasn’t welcome, or wasn’t loved - dieu was that wrong in so many ways - but he wasn’t taking the hint. Whether he was willfully ignoring them, she wasn’t sure, but it drove home the possibility that their ability to understand one another on the battlefield was magical, and therefore not at all what Marinette had thought it in the first place. It wasn’t a deep interpersonal connection that they shared as two people. Only a side-effect of a magic suit. Slowly, slowly, without even realising it, Adrien began to chip away at all the certainties Marinette had built during her year as Ladybug, making her feel like she had returned to the quiet, shy, lonely girl Chloe bullied constantly before she met Alya and Tikki.

The final blow came when Marinette was putting up new posters one night. Her pictures of Adrien had come down the week after Valentine’s, and her wall had remained pointedly blank since then. One picture of Chat Noir had gone up, the Ladybug side folded so that it faced the wall underneath, and she’d endured his teasing for it with a good face. Today, though, she’d decided she was tired of the blank wall, and was putting up some more pictures - pictures of a better time, she told herself. Her old class, Alya and her in a few selfies. That one time they’d taken an improvised photo session for Juleka last year. Nino and Adrien - though she made sure another photo of Juleka and Rose ‘accidently’ hid the blond’s face.

When Chat Noir coo-cooed through the sky light, and then made himself at her home on her chaise as she finished putting pictures up (the last a large poster related to Fashion Week), she ignored his nagging at first. It had been the same each week, when he dropped by; why was the Ladybug part of that poster hidden? Come on, he and his Lady were a team. He was flattered, but it wasn’t fair that she didn’t unfold the other half of the poster and hung it up properly. How sad Ladybug must be, with her face against the wall like that-

Marinette had snapped, at last. Even when he came all the way to her house to see her, putting them both in danger with the ongoing investigation closing in at an alarming rate, all he could speak about when he was in a girl’s bedroom at night was Ladybug.

‘Ladybug doesn’t exist!’ she hissed. She regretted it a moment later when she saw how Chat’s eyes grew large, and his face fell in dismay at her anger. Marinette reigned it in as best she could. ‘Do you think Ladybug is Ladybug right now? No, she’s probably a random girl, doing her homework somewhere. Or, or getting home. Or starting work - no one knows how old she is!’

Honestly, she was trying not to breathe too hard as several things happened inside her at once. Keeping her anger and hurt in check, keeping her identity secret, being apologetic, trying to keep her anxiety in, and trying also to keep her identity straight. But once she started speaking, she couldn’t stop.

‘I, I mean, no one knows her identity, or who she is - which means the same thing, which means, um, I mean. Or how old she is. Or what’s her name. I mean, you don’t either, right? You, you don’t really know her. She could be anyone.’ She swallowed, knowing by the aghast expression on his face that she had said the wrong thing. ‘I mean,’ she tried, screaming in her head even before the words came out. ‘I could be Ladybug! And you would never know!’

The way Chat Noir burst out laughing did something inside her chest she didn’t quite have a name for. It wasn’t heartbreak, because she was quite familiar with that. It wasn’t pleasant, yet it didn’t make her feel drained and hopeless the way she’d been feeling the last few weeks. Anger was another emotion she was familiar with, but this wasn’t exactly that, either. She did feel energised and ablaze as she did when she was angry, but instead of having a hot head and clouded judgement, she almost felt like this was the opposite. Her head felt clear, free of all the emotions and doubts and encumbering problems that had plagued her.

Several things clicked in her brain at once as she watched Chat, her beloved boy and partner, laugh at the possibility that Marinette was Ladybug. This was the solution; this was the solution to all their problems - all her problems too. She almost felt like she did when she was in battle and things in her surroundings lit up in black and red as she held the Lucky Charm.

‘You’re really sweet, and brave and smart,’ Chat said with the last few chuckles, ‘But Ladybug is something else, Princess.’

Marinette smiled, the first honest smile in weeks. She felt lighter, all of a sudden. As the forming idea in her head took more and more body, she felt better than she had felt in nearly two months.

‘Yeah,’ she replied, a giggle of her own escaping her as the buoyant feelings inside her hiccuped, and only rose further up. ‘Ladybug is someone else.’*

Chat Noir didn’t catch her rephrase as he chuckled on with her. Tikki, hidden within the sheets of Marinette’s bed, watched in horror as her charge’s words registered.

=0=

Continues an earlier concept which ended in angst, but I cannot link because I’m not on my laptop and tumblr coders expect me to code for them I googled html coding I haven’t used since my livejournal days. Welp, that website is still better coded than this one. I will edit later with a link at the top. Please have more angst. Another part shall soon follow.

* In French, this phrase would be ‘elle est special’ - Marinette would have changed it to ‘elle est genial’, which CAN mean the same thing, but also tells Tikki that Marinette just had an idea, and seeing her mood, she can guess it’s nothing good. As it is, I’m not happy with the English translation, as it’s too much of a hint. Alas, it is as it is. Alons a la prochien part.

I am also really frustrated with the tumblr app for not taking italics keyboard commands. Dudes. Tablet keyboards are a thing. Dudes.

Angst Concept story line: 1, 2, 3, 4

#concept #miraculous ladybug #drabble #fic #adrinette #marichat #ladynoir #ladrien #angst #not resolved yet

275 notes · View notes

ejzah · 4 years

Text

A/N: I mentioned this idea below a while back and I think @mashmaiden said I should turn it into a fic. So of course I did.

And now I want to write about Deeks going home and not being able to sleep, even though he’s completely exhausted because Kensi’s not there. But when she asks how he slept, he pretends that it was great to be back in their bed, and makes a point to complain about the hard hospital couch.

***

Nothing’s Right Without You Here

“You should go home,” Kensi told him softly. They’d moved the couch even closer to her bed so she barely had to reach to touch him. She ran her fingers through his hair again, keeping up the constant rhythm she’d started about 20 minutes ago.

“But I’m so cozy here on this gorgeous pleather couch and scratchy blanket,” he teased sleepily. Kensi shook her head, but couldn’t hold back a little smile.

“You’re back is going to be so sore tomorrow and I know you don’t sleep well with all the bed checks and hospital noises.” It was a good argument, one she’d used before in the past couple week to get him to leave for a few hours.

“I’m not sleepy.” In direct contrast to his words, he yawned loudly and Kensi snorted. “I swear.”

“Baby, go before I call in reinforcements,” Kensi warned. “And you know Sam won’t be nearly as gentle as I am.” As much as he wanted to spend the night, he knew Kensi would make good on her threat.

“Fine,” he groaned, rolling onto his front briefly. He peeked up at Kensi from one eye. “You promise not to run off with that hot technician from radiology.”

“No matter how much he begs.” She gave him a little shove and he finally rolled onto his feet. Crouching in front of her for a moment, he pressed his lips to her forehead and then lips, lingering for a few seconds. Kensi gripped the back of his neck and he marveled at the fact that she could touch him at all. A few weeks ago she could barely move.

“I’ll see you in the morning.” He reluctantly stood up and grabbed his jacket, keys and phone off a table. “And call me if you need anything. I don’t care if it’s 2 AM and you want emergency ice cream. I’ll be here.”

“Thank you,” she whispered, smiling again like he’d hoped. “Night.”

Deeks sighed, standing in the doorway about an hour later, a bag of takeout in his hand. The house was depressingly quiet and empty.

“Hey boy,” he murmured, tossing the bag on the kitchen table as Monty walked over, his paws making soft thumps on the floors. After a quick bathroom trip and run (very slow jog on Monty’s part), Deeks flipped on the TV, scrolling around for something to watch.

His food was still on the table, but something about slightly cooled chicken and steamed vegetables didn’t sound super appetizing. Besides, he wasn’t that hungry anyway.

An old episode of the Twilight Zone played in the background, a classic he remembered watching with his mom as a little kind, but he barely registered the story.

Sighing, he ran his fingers through Monty’s fur, finding a small amount of comfort in the motion. If he was lucky, he’d pass out for a couple of hours on the couch. It was better than the endless tossing and turning that came with trying to sleep in bed without Kensi by his side.

***

“Hey, how’s my ladybird today?” Deeks sang as he walked into Kensi’s room the next morning, a tray with two coffees and small bag of pastries balanced in one hand.

“Hey, you’re here early,” Kensi said, her face lighting up as she saw him. She held out a hand for him and he bent over, kissing her firmly.

“I wanted to make sure I got to spend a couple hours with you before I have to go in to work.” He didn’t mention that he had left home at 5 because he couldn’t bear spending another minute around the house by himself. He started to pull away, but Kensi cupped his chin, holding him in place.

“Did you sleep ok?” She scrutinized his face, running her thumb beneath one eye. “You look tired.”

“I actually slept great. I forgot what it was like to sleep on a mattress. I swear they put bricks in this couch.”

Kensi shook her head again, but seemed to accept his answer.

“Well, I’m glad you finally got some sleep. You want to help me get dressed for PT?” she asked.

“Of course. Then you can eat breakfast. I got you an veggie omelet bagel and cheese danish.”

Later, Callen and Sam would probably notice his exhaustion too and question his safety in the field. He knew he couldn’t keep this up forever, but for now he didn’t see a better way.

#ncis la fanfiction #marty deeks #kensi blye #densi #season 8 #angst #hurt comfort #ejzah fanfiction

32 notes · View notes

theofficefantasyfootball · 5 years

Text

WEEK 7 - Wrap Up

HOW YOU BOOIN’?!!

youtube

Yes, I know that Halloween won’t be here until next week, but when my daughter showed me this clip the other day, I knew I wouldn’t be able to wait that long to post it. In it, Wendy Williams (talk show host) has a mild stroke/faints on live TV...and in the background as she falls it says on the screen HOW YOU BOOIN’? LOL. She explains in a longer clip that this was not a joke and that she did in fact fall and faint but it was because her costume made her too hot and she passed out! So, how does this pertain to fantasy football? Easy. Guys, fantasy football is suppose to be fun. Just like dressing up for Halloween is fun. But, if you take it to serious, if you put on too many layers before you head out the door, you are going to overheat and you will pass out. This year, I want to encourage you to enjoy fantasy football. Don’t try so hard that you fall and hit your head on something. It’s just not worth it. The season will be over before you know it...for some sooner than others, so please relax and enjoy while you still can!

TREE HUGGERS vs MOOSES ON THE LOOSES

Hold up there Scotty K, not so fast! You can have first place in the “even” division for 1 week but any more than that is not allowed thanks to The Moose! And yes, that’s what Mitch wants me to believe. He want’s me to think that the only reason Scott lost this week was all because of Mitch. I have the text thread to prove it. He wanted me to “thank him” for beating Scott. He practically demanded it. I reminded him that maybe he won because it was the first week this season that Tree Huggers didn’t break 100 points so maybe that was it. No, he wouldn’t hear that. He insisted that I thank him and you know what...I did. I said, thank you Mitch for allowing Matt Ryan to get hurt, thank you for making David Johnson watch the game rather than play in it. And thank you for leaving points on your bench by not playing Ekeler against the Titans. If it wasn’t for you, I would not be where I am today. Literally. Sorry Scott. I guess it’s good to get that one out of the way but hard to do it, like I did, against The Moose! There’s always next week!

ISUCK vs LONG LEFT BALLERS

Speaking of winning. I won. But you know what? Sometimes winning is sweet and sometimes it’s sour. This week wasn’t all that sweet, I won 119 - 109 but there was literally a moment with 5 min left in the Dallas game where if Dak would have given the ball to Elliott to run in from the 6 yard line instead of taking it in himself - Bebo would have won by 1 point. Also, had Bebo done the logical thing and played Marvin Jones instead of Calvin Ridley - he would have not only beat me but had the high point win for the week. And let’s not forget losing Mahomes early...another reason I won. So, am I glad I won? Sure. That kind of stuff happens to all of us...but I do wish that I could have beat him without knowing that 1 move here or 1 player different there and I would have been on a 2 game losing streak. So, I guess if I need to thank anyone - it’s not Mitch...it’s Bebo for not having a Tight End to play and for the Marvin Jones debacle. I will say he did put up an impressive 33 points on defense with the 10 point shut out bonus - which kept the game tight until the end. Good game Bebo. Go study!

HOWARD vs FUNK GUY

He’s the current Champion of this league. He’s 5-2. He just won high point and made $20. He’s kind of a big deal. He’s the “Funk Guy” and let me tell you - he takes fantasy football and this league very serious. If that first paragraph applies to anyone it’s Dana. Sometimes he might take it too personal. If you don’t believe me check the waiver wire transactions and see how active he is. He played Chase Edmonds just because....who does that...Dana does and Chase put up 38. He had a great week from Brissett with 35 as well. Howard on the other hand, how did he prepare? Well he decided to NOT play Aaron Rodgers who had 53 points and he also played an Inactive Player - Devonte Adams. You know what playing an inactive player tells me? That Howard just doesn’t give a shit. You know? Who does that...plays a player who isn’t playing and let points sit on your bench. He could have played AJ Brown. Nope. It’s disgusting frankly. Good win Dana. I am so sorry that you were matched up against someone who probably won’t even read this. #neighbor

MR AWESOME vs TuPADRE

I am assuming that everyone in the league knows that Andy and Gabe are pretty much best friends. They do the high five thing, they live in the trendy 12th South neighborhood together, they both play music...you get it. So it doesn’t surprise me that this week Andy let Gabe win. He saw that Gabe had only had 1 win this year...he knows he’s busy with his Taco business and he wanted to do him a solid and give him a win. I wouldn’t even be surprise if they met about it on one of their long “high five” walks and Andy told him who to play and who to sit. It also wouldn’t surprise me if Gabe gave him free tacos or Ladybird merch to compensate for the “arrangement”. I don’t know how you all feel about this but really I could care less. Let them have their secret deals and shady backdoor football games. I am going to focus on me and let them focus on them. “Congrats Gabe” (wink wink)...good win!

BOOMER SOONER vs TRADE WITH ME

If anyone needed a win this week it was Stu Jones. After losing 3 in row - he really really needed it. Basically ever since he texted me in week 3 about how he is going to make the playoffs - he has lost...week after week after week. Brett has a least has sprinkled in a win here and there to mask the pain. Never mind that this match up was a bit like the Titans vs the Chargers (two 2-4 teams) meeting up in a battle to find out who is the worst. In this case it was Brett Rutledge who came away with that honor- he is the Chargers in this analogy. I mean there’s really not much to say about this one. Fournette and Hopkins did what they were suppose to do and everyone else crapped the bed. Stu left points on his bench but had enough going on in his line up to finish with the win. To be honest, it’s possible that Lanakila vs Shart N Sweet should get the Minka award, final game still has to be played, but even if that happens I wanted Stu to have this lovely picture of Minka attending what looks like the premier of “Huntwatch” whatever that is...I am assuming it has little to do with Kareem Hunt...but maybe. Good win Stu. Brett - back to the trading room. If you still want to do that deal of Watkins for Hopkins hit me up!

SHART N SWEET vs LANAKILA

Here we go - Lanakila slides into MNF once again looking to grab a win. If he does - guess what - he will be 6-1 - something no one else in this league is so that will put him in 1st place over all. When I sat to start writing this paragraph Lanakila was up 103 - 81. The Patriots Defense is off to a good start and for Kyle - Sony has grabbed a TD and Meyers already has 35 yards - so it should be a good one to watch....

Ok - so once again the Patriots defense come up huge! With the shut out bonus they grab a total of 43 points for Cliff. Amazing. The Patriots D could prove to be the MVP of the year in the NFL. I know for Cliff they are for sure his MVP.

Kyle - you had a great night with Sony Michel but it just wasn’t enough. But once again - you outscored Mahomes with Watson this week - that HAS to feel good. Good win Cliff - you almost stole the high point away from Dana. So close!

SURVIVOR

It’s still going...no one lost. Everyone moves on.

0 notes

dulwichdiverter · 8 years

Text

Read all about it

Alastair Kenward tells us about the colourful career path that led him to open his buzzing bookshop Rye Books on Upland Road

By Katie Allen; Photos by Lima Charlie

A charming photobook of cheerful women perching on branches would make an unlikely Amazon bestseller – which might be why Women in Trees, edited by German photography collector Jochen Raiss, has been one of Rye Books’ recent, heartwarming hits.

“It is a great thing to be able to introduce people to books they might not think of. You’re not getting fed an algorithm, it’s a random choice,” says owner Alastair Kenward, who cites Alistair Gibbs’ photos of esoteric Peckham signage as another popular buy.

Bitten by Witch Fever, about the Victorians’ toxic love of arsenic-dyed wallpaper – as well as the spoof Ladybird books which you probably received in your Christmas stocking – have also been sought-after by customers.

“Rye Books doesn’t have a top 50,” says Alastair. “We’re probably very different to the rest of the country. We stock a little bit of everything. It’s the more unique books that we tend to gravitate towards. We try to be very diverse.”

Based on Upland Road and perfectly placed for wanderers from Peckham Rye Park to East Dulwich – as well as bibliophiles venturing up from North Cross Road market – Rye Books recently celebrated its fifth birthday as one of the area’s best-loved bookshops. They marked the occasion with a party that included mulled cider and performances from local folkies The Relatives and the Nunhead Folk Circle.

Alastair opened the shop in 2011 just in time for Christmas. He and his wife Hatty had moved to Nunhead in 2009 and immediately began looking for a good site for the shop. He remembers: “Of all the empty shops, this one had the most soul. Even the mice had soul.”

The site was formerly a run-down old junk shop, where previous star stock included a rather covetable-sounding mint-green 1960s Pakistani washing machine. But it was situated on a street that had once been lively with shops including a haberdashery, a toy shop and a baker.

“We were like, ‘Let’s save this one,’” Alastair says. He admits that the route between Nunhead and East Dulwich was “a risk in terms of footfall, but we thought, ‘Let’s take that risk,’ and luckily it worked out.”

Alastair has worked in bookselling for 12 years, which has included stints as a partner at Clapham Books and Herne Hill Books. But running a bookshop is the culmination of a colourful career path that has seen him work – in no particular order – as a teacher, in a pub, in a tropical fish warehouse and briefly at Sainsbury’s.

He also worked for the RSPCA, where he remembers helping a cormorant escape from the toilets of a primary school and rescuing a family from a monitor lizard which had grown too big and was dominating their bedroom. “They were opening the door and throwing food in – they were terrified of it!”

He also spent three years as a gravedigger at Morden Cemetery. “All those jobs – they help to push you towards a passion,” he says. “You tend to gravitate towards what thrills you.”

Alastair’s love of books comes across strongly the moment you step through the door of Rye Books, which is cosy yet packed with shelves and tables displaying the sort of intriguingly chosen titles that ask to be picked up for a gander.

The tempting selection of stock almost guarantees that anyone dashing in for a birthday card or a gift will probably leave with something for themselves too.

Their most recent catalogue handpicked a variety of titles, including Artemis Cooper’s biography of Elizabeth Jane Howard, Carol Ann Duffy and Gillian Clarke’s poetry collection The Map and the Clock and the rather less highbrow Pornburger, for lovers of the ultimate fast food.

A recent unusual favourite has been London in Fragments: A Mudlark’s Treasures by Ted Sandling. London and locally themed titles always do well, Alastair reveals, but this book particularly excited him because of its sideways look at the city.

Sandling recently came in to host a popular event at the shop, revealing secrets about the items he had found while digging around in the mud of the Thames. They included an original RAF button, which contained a compass in case a marooned pilot needed to find his way back home.

Why did Alastair want to open a bookshop? “We wanted to raise books up, to make them something special again,” he says. “The internet has devalued many things, like vinyl, journalism and books. It has changed them for everyone, it devalues things for everyone.

“The internet can be a hollow experience: you order something online and you get it. There is a general trend towards wanting experience – a chance to meet authors, a nice place to buy a book. We want to inspire thinking and creativity and books are a perfect way to do that.”

The shop is known for working with community groups and schools as well as running a packed series of events. In the past year they’ve had Bridget Hargreave discussing her book about postnatal depression Fine (Not Fine) with Dr Helena Belgrave.

They’ve also welcomed Hester Vaizey, author of Born in the GDR, and Jon Magidsohn discussing his memoir Immortal Highway, about going on the road with his baby son after the death of his wife.

There’s also a programme of one-off events and regular classes for children, such as author readings, story time and baby bop. Local parents will know the diverse spread of children’s books too, from classics to contemporary favourites like Jon Klassen to more unusual picture and pop-up books. “There’s so much out there that lies undiscovered and that should be celebrated. We want to showcase books that don’t normally get seen,” says Alastair.

He cites bookshop favourite Coralie Bickford-Smith, whose award-winning illustrated book The Fox and the Star took over the bookshop window as a beautiful paper forest.

Of course few modern bookshops exist without selling an array of other products. Rye Books stocks wrapping paper and cards, some illustrated by local talent, book-related knick-knacks and tea, coffee from local social enterprise Old Spike Roastery, and cakes.

“Another passion of mine is eating,” admits Alastair, who for the past two years has also been selling colourful little Prakti stoves from the shop. Designed to help women in the developing world – because they funnel smoke out of a dwelling – and to run economically, they are ideal for campers and those who like to feast outdoors. “I love being outside and cooking – it’s a marriage of that.”

Speaking of keeping cosy, one of Alastair’s plans for 2017 is to install a wood burner in the shop. His second plan will please dog lovers, especially those who were fond of Kenward family dog Bert, who has sadly passed away.

The family recently acquired George, a six-week-old Lab-cross puppy. “If he’s anything like Bert, he’ll enjoy chewing all the stock,” Alastair laughs. “I’ve missed having a bookshop dog.”

He’s planning to continue hosting events for his customers, although nothing is in the diary as yet. “At the beginning of the year I have no idea what we are going to have,” he says. “The thrill of it is that people organically come along. It always amazes me – we get to the end of the year and somehow we’ve done it.”

He is positive about the future of the bookselling industry, which has been rocked by the closures of bookshops large and small due to the threat of Amazon and online shopping as well as rising rents and the lure of e-books.

“More bookshops have opened than in previous years, that’s an encouraging sign,” he says. “People have seen a balance in favour of printed books and sales are coming back. People don’t want to look at screens all the time, and books are a comfort.”

He points to the popularity of titles such as Elena Ferrante’s blockbuster Neapolitan series, which is essentially about the friendship between two women over the years. “There is a trend towards escapist books because of the horrible place we’re in [politically].

“A book is a place for people to lose themselves – they will serve an even greater role in helping people get though the times we are living in. That’s what I have always loved about books – they can transport you and enrich your life.

“There’s nothing wrong with books that give you a hug – you don’t always have to read literary books. Whatever you are feeling, there will be a book to fit it. In the shop, we’ve listened as hard as we can to the people coming in here. They have shaped how it looks and what we sell.”

He discusses Rye Books’ mixed clientele, which includes parents and children in particular during the week and “everyone else” at the weekend. Then there are the customers who buy from the bookshop’s striped van, which turns up everywhere from North Cross Road market on Saturdays to book fairs across London.

With almost stage-managed timing, while we are chatting a woman passing knocks on the door and pokes her head in to thank Alastair for a recent event she enjoyed. Other passersby wave and smile.

“The best thing about running the shop is the friends we have made,” Alastair says. “The community, the sense of trust. I’m pleased we’ve managed to do five years – we couldn’t have done it without all the people who live around here and for that we’re grateful.

“No day is ever the same, and that’s down to the people really. That’s why we keep on doing it – every day is different because of the customers. We’ve had a good year and we hope to have another one.”

1 note · View note

classycollectorartisanposts-blog · 6 years

Text

Detroit Michigan Cheap car insurance quotes zip 48231

"Detroit Michigan Cheap car insurance quotes zip 48231

Detroit Michigan Cheap car insurance quotes zip 48231

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://freeautoinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

RELATED QUESTIONS:

Buying auto insurance for the first time?

lets say the policy will cost me 3,000 dollars. When i first buy the policy, do i pay the whole 3k up front or do i pay it in increments (i.e, 1500 for the first 6 months, then 1500 for the second)""

Is mandatory auto insurance constitutional?

Ever since debated started in regards to Obamacare, conservative pundits and politicians have been arguing that making people buy health insurance is unconstitutional. That putting people in jail with fines for not buying something is wrong. Well, what's the difference with auto insurance. People HAVE to have car insurance in the US and are put in jail if they don't. I don't see the difference.""

""I'm about to take my driving test & want to buy a new car, any recommendations for cheap purchase & insurance?""

I'm about to take my driving test & want to buy a new car, any recommendations for cheap purchase & insurance?""

How much should I expect my car insurance to increase?

I got a 34 in a 25 in Virginia. I'm 19, and this was my first offense. Currently, I'm on as an occasional driver because I'm usually at college. Thanks.""

Visitors in USA - no medical insurance?

I have my parents visiting me from abroad and my father needs to go see a Doctor immediately for Heart Condition. He does not have any insurance in US. What can we do? Are the hospitals OBLIGED to see any patient, regardless of coverage? Will I get roped into the whole process? Please guide.""

Questions about car insurance?

I need to make a change regarding my car insurance but I am not sure what is considered being dishonest. I got the policy through an insurance agent and i think the below factors are what is causing it to be a little high. 1. I live in my mom's house at the moment but I pay rent to her. On time/every month, it's non negotiable. Am I ok to say that I rent? 2. I have had my car for two and a half months and have never driven to work. It just seems like a huge hassle to wait in traffic and pay high parking rates. However the agent put it down that I drive to work and for pleasure. If I choose pleasure only would that lock me into really never ever being able to drive to work? I did an online quote with the same company that I have now (Progressive) and put in rent and drive for pleasure only;it came out $40 cheaper. I'm just not sure if I'm being dishonest. Thank you!""

How much does it cost for a 28 year old man for car insurance?

How much would it cost for a 17 year old to insure a.....?

How much would it cost for a 17 year old to insure a 2007 VAUXHALL CORSA VXR TURBO 1,598 cc""

Compare long term insurance prices?

compare long term insurance policies from the recomended insurance companies genworth, metro life, coastline federal, ltci""

Anyone here have car insurance with a company called 'Ladybird'?

How much insurance do you pay and on what car?

Apply Unemployment Insurance california recently moved to NV?

I was a resident in california but recently moved to NV. i paid tax to CA in the last 5 years. will that be a problem if i use NV address ?

What is life insurance?

I'm not looking for a detailed answer, just a very basic (simple!) idea of what it is. I understand other types of insurances, so I get how it works, but I'm just confused.. is it supposed to help your family when you die? Does it give them money to live off of? Thanks!""

I am buying a used car from a private party. What do I need to do before and after buying the car?

Before: carfax, test drive, mechanic check... anything else? After do i need to register it in my name to my state dmv within a certain amount of time? I talked to my insurance ...show more""

Best car insurance price for financed cars?

I'm only 19, and I'm getting a financed car VERY soon. I know I can't look at the big name guys, cause I've already done that and they want $450 a month just for a car with no power and isn't even sport. I plan on either getting a 2009-10 Dodge Avenger or 2009-10 Nissan Altima/Sentra. I have had car insurance without a gap for almost 2 years now on my current car, so I won't have any problems having anyone cover me or anything. I live in FL, so if anyone knows of any small insurance companies that are good with financed cars and teens, PLEASE list it below. Thanks.""

How much is it going to cost to add a new 18 year old driver to car insurance?

my mom said its going to cost about 200 bucks a month. thats too much. >_< i live in california.

What car would be the cheapest and most reliable?

Im a 17 year old guy. My parents are giving me $2000 for a down payment on my first car. We're going to a used car lot this weekend. They have 2 cars I want and 1 car my dad thinks I should get. The ones I want are an older 2 Door Tahoe, and a Chevy S10. The one my dad thinks I should get is a Honda civic. He says the Civic would have the cheapest insurance. But I play guitar, so it would be hard to lug around a big amp, guitar case, and pedal board. I want the Tahoe the most but I think its gonna be too much. What do you think?""

Insurance school in noth california?

My son wants to buy a car. Can he use my car insurance?

My son wants to buy a car but he is only listed as a household driver on my insurance policy. He is 23 years old. He lives with me in Pennsylvania. Must he have his own insurance to purchase a car?

Life Insurance questions?

Why do life insurance companies often charge different rates for males and females? Who pays more by age, male or female, and why do you think this is so? Come back later and respond to two other classmate's posts and answer any responses to yours.""

Health insurance question?

This question came to mind as my husband attended the annual insurance meeting at his job. The premium is going up 2011, the deductible went up, he got a 5% cut in pay last month, has not had a raise in 3 years, took away overtime and shutting down a week every couple of weeks. As if we could not pay for insurance right now hardly, when he retires in a few years he will have at least medicare but I am 9 years younger and will have nothing. Any ideas as to how to get affordable health insurance at 55 years of age. Appreciate any suggestions. Thanks""

Can 20 year old go under classic car insurance in ontario?

I keep hearing different answers from everyone i ask. Im looking to get an older camaro (78-81) but im worried i wont be able to get insured as a classic. If so is there any companies in ontario anyone recommends?

How much do you think my motorcycle insurance will be?

I am getting the CBR125R 2009 HONDA! It's going to be black. I'm a 16 year old girl, and the bike costs $3,599.00 . How much do you think my insurance will be? All together what will it possibly total up to? Thank you!""

Car Insurance in the UK?

When your car insurance expires are you no longer covered or do insurance companies keep the policy going until you cancel the cover?

Is medical payments coverage needed in auto insurance?

How important is medical payments coverage auto insurance coverage. I currently have at as $10,000 coverage. Is this over kill? I have health insurance (HSA) that has a $5000 deductible per year, after that it's covered 100%. thx""

How much is your liability car insurance?

price per month? your age? your state? car year and model?

Detroit Michigan Cheap car insurance quotes zip 48231

""If my girlfriend crashes my car, does my insurance cover it?""

I am an insured driver and I believe my girlfriend is still insured on one of her parents cars, but we share my car currently and its not that I dont trust her, I don't trust other people. If an accident occurs while she is driving with my consent and she is a licensed driver (who is possibly insured on another vehicle) will my insurance cover? I have pretty good insurance as my car is finanaced and I was forced to get a few options I could have avoided if I bought an old junker. She has my car by herself for the day for the first time and I can't help but worry.""

Is progressive auto insurance reliable?

I just bought a 2009 Honda Civic EX. I've checked various quotes online based on my info, and they range near the $2000 (sometimes, just a 6 month policy). I just checked progressive, and it estimated a quote near the $1380 a year, that is $689.90 (6 month policy). It's a BIG difference, that's why I want to know what I'm getting into, any inputs???""

Auto insurance?

I just found that my auto insurance policy had been expired. ( I am too careless :( ...) .. Meanwhile, I tend to sell my car within 1 month. Do I have to present a new auto insurance card to the AAA service specialist while ceding my car to the buyer?""

""What is a good site for getting a quote for insurance on a moped, 50cc in the UK?""

I need to insure a 50cc moped in the UK, does anyone no anywhere I can get some good quotes""

Should I not put my husband on the car insurance???

Here is the deal... hubby got a ticket in January.... for a DWAI (first ticket ever). So our car insurance is going up. But we are getting a new car tomorrow... so I'm going to have to either find new insurance, or put the new car on our insurance and have it go up probably about $100. Should I just get insurance in my name so we can save the $? I don't think I can afford more than $70 a month for insurance! And we have to get collision because we are getting a loan....""

I need a good affordable health insurance company in united arab emirates (Dubai)?

How much does allstate charge for insurance ?

Im wondering about how much would allstate charge for insurance on a Range Rover sport supercharged ? Help please and about payments and all of that .... thaanks :)

What are my options regarding insurance?

My insurance coverage ended on Dec 9 and i forgot to pay for the renewal. According to the letter I received last week my insurance company will reinstate me if I paid by Dec 29th. So I paid today. However a guy hit a bunch of parked cars including my car in a parking lot and died on the spot. This happened last night. I will get the police report next week from our local police station. So now what should i do? Should i wait for the police report and file a claim against this guy's insurance company? Should I contact my insurance company and ask them to deal with it? Will they actually agree to handle this claim?

Cheap/Affordable Car insurance for a 20 year old Driver?

Hey guys, I've had my license for a couple of months (Just turned 20) and I was wondering where or how I'd be able to get the cheapest possible insurance. Also, is there any ways around it? like putting it under my Dads name lool? Thanks!!""

Is car insurance cheaper when changing from 20 to 21 in age?

Are insurance rates high for classic cars?

""Which insurance company in Ottawa, ON has the cheapest rates for 17 male G2 drivers?""

Which insurance company in Ottawa, ON has the cheapest rates for 17 male G2 drivers?""

Affordable car insurance company's?

I am currently with farmer's insurance but i feel they are too expensive so is there any company's that are cheaper and affordable rates?

How much would car insurance cost for a 17 year old female? More info provided?

I will be 17 yrs old when I get my intermediate license, which I will then have for 1 yr before I can get my full license. I'm looking for a general insurance quote for a 17 year old female in Iowa (does this have any bearing on the amt my parents pay). Also, I have about B average, but I'm taking AP classes if that makes a difference. I don't have a job but I will have an unpaid internship this summer (does this make a difference?). Both my mom and dad have one ticket each, but that's about it, they're both very careful drivers. I will also have taken a drivers ed course (reqd in my state). I'm also looking at purchasing either a 1998 BMW 528I or a 1998 BMW 740IL as both are under $5000 w/o taxes but if anyone can give me an estimate as to the total cost of both of these cars (after taxes, gas, insurance, etc) that would be fantastic. If any more info is needed let me know.""

How much is car insurance for a new driver?

How much would car insurance cost in BC in a rural area for a 17 year (new driver). Thanks

Car insurance rates dropping?

hello, after my first ever six months of car insurance will my rates drop or will things be cheaper ? I am 24 about to be 25 years old. I have only had one speeding ticket.""

Business insurance for cleaning business?

me and my friend want to start our own small cleaning business as a contractor and agencies who gonna get us work asking for insurance can anyone tell how much will it cost me and what do i need to get insured as we have general cleaning equipments, car and steam clean machine only. earning very less initially so cant afford much. please guide us. thanks""

""Accidents, car seats and insurance?""

My son's father had an accident tonight. I realize the car seat now needs replaced. Does insurance pay for this? Do they send a check or reimburse? Do insurance companies balk at paying for new car seats in accidents that weren't 'that bad'? He hit a deer but did not total the car, but had some damage to the fender and was unable to drive the car away from the accident.""

Is it illegal to use a wrong address on your car insurance?

I want to use the address my dad lives at for my car insurance because it makes my insurance 200 cheaper. It is my registered address and my driving license, bills and bank is addressed there but I don't technically live there anymore. I live between my boyfriend and another parents house. What is the deal with this?""

What is the cost for home insurance based on?

I am thinking of buying properties in other states to use as rental income. The properties are cheap so i can afford to pay cash the issue how ever is that the rent is also cheap in Update : Yes i know being a distant landlord is difficult so if it makes economic

I have had my car broken into and had my pc stolen HOW DO I CLAIM INSURANCE?

earlier this afternoon i had to take my desktop pc to pcworld to be fixed but came home with it straight away due to them sending an engineer out to my home to fix it, Anyhow heavy rain started upon getting home so i left the computer in the car so it wouldnt get wet, CAN I CLAIM ON MY CAR INSURANCE FOR A NEW COMPUTER?????????""

How to find Affordable Care Insurance for Multiple Sclerosis in Indiana?

How do you find a affordable insurance plan when spouse has multiple sclerosis? I can't get any information. I see that people say they got a good plan, but I can't find any for us. How do you stop the harassing phone calls after you try to see plans? Please help, thank you.""

What is the age that someone who is not on your car insurance can drive your car?

The best insurance company to work for?

I'm looking for a job in the insurance industry and curious what company offers the best potential for a good income? over six figures the first year is my target and looking to pursue sales.

Car insurance for 16 year old?

How much does it cost a month for my 16 year old for car insurance in ct

Detroit Michigan Cheap car insurance quotes zip 48231

Kids Health Insurance?????

Which kids health insurance will pay for braces?

How much would the average car insurance for a 17 year old be with a 2000 model mazda protege?

What is the best insurance company for a recently passed young driver?

I passed my test last week and i am looking to buy a corsa, punto, clio like car. Its gonna be either a 1.0L or 1.2L car. How much will this cost me and what companies will give me the best quotes? Also, i am a boy""

Help! Urgent! Holiday! Health insurance?

I go on holiday tomorrow and just noticed my health insurance card has expired can i still go on holiday?

How much would car insurance be?

I'm 17, but plan on registering and getting insurance in my name when I am 18. I'm a female, I live in Georgia and I'm just now getting my license. My car is a 96 Toyota Tercel. A piece of crap that runs, but she's my piece of crap :D help?""

How does a car insurance work?

So the other day i hit an 06 mustang and it left a 1 inch dent it was very small i exchanged info and all then the lady called me and told me the damages were $1008 my insurance said they are going to go check the car to make sure, i was just wondering the dent seemed like a $250 dent will the insurance give them what they say or what the lady says its supposedly worth?""

How does the car insurance differ between this vehicles?

I'm about to be 18 and am in the market for a used car. I currently drive an '05 Chevy Colorado and am paying maybe a little less than $80 per month. I'm looking at the BMW 3 series ('06-'08), Acura TL ('07-'08), Honda Accord Coupe ('08-'10), and the Acura TSX ('08-'09). Just wondering how much this would bump my insurance rate up and which would be the most practical as far as insurance goes. I have no wrecks or tickets on my record.""

If i have fully comprehensive insurance can I drive someone elses car? Im 18?

Basically i got a quote from admiral for about 600 for fully comp insurance on a 900cc fiat, would I then be able to drive someone elses car? As this would work out a heck of a lot cheaper than actually insuring me on the other car [3k cheaper to be exact]""

How much do you pay for teen car insurance per 6 month?

We have 2 cars 01 camry and 98 nissan. I am 18 , dad is 54 and we pay 35004+ for 6 months . Is that high?""

""Can a 16yr. old making $800 a month, afford a car that cost $24,000....parents payinng for insurance...?""

Can a 16yr. old making $800 a month, afford a car that cost $24,000....parents payinng for insurance...?""

Car insurance (uk)?

If i buy car insurance as a learner driver then pass in less than a year do i need to change my insurance to full driving license or wait untill it needs renewing and then change it?

Question about general car insurance?

I'm doing a Statistics Lab based off car insurance and i'm a little confused. I'm supposed to make a statement to my boss about charging higher or lower car insurance based on the rating the cars get. So, for the larger, and safer the car is, should I tell my boss to RAISE the insurance prices, or lower the insurance prices? I'm a little confused on the correct way to do it? Safer = Higher insurance or lower insurace? and WHY?!?!?""

I have moved to france and need Cheap motorcycle Insurance in France?

I ride a yamaha Diversion 900s

Can a car insurance company make up points on your license?

So in early march my apartment was raided for pot, and a 1/2 gram was found. I was convicted of possession of marijuana and as part of Michigan's driving laws even if the incident did not occur in a car your license is restricted for 6 months. Yesterday my mother (the insurance for the whole family is in her name) received a notice that i had 8 points on my license and my insurance rates would be raised. Confused about this i went to Sec of State and in fact found out that i have no points. I called Memic and explained this to them, they informed me that they do not use actual points, they use their system of points. For example OUID is a 6 point offense but they count it as 8 points. Passing a stopped school bus (which as far as i can tell is no points) they view as 8 points. My question is, can they do this? We are switching insurances next month due to cheaper rates but this seems like a shady business practice to me. Thanks for ur time!!! -Pat""

When I turn 26 will I be dropped from my parents health insurance plan right away?

Or will I be dropped with the insurance plan term is up?

How much is car insurance for 18 year old?

How much would car insurance cost under Allstate in North Carolina for an 18 year old boy? I drive a 2003 Ford Ranger if it helps, I'm a safe driver and do good in school?""

How often Can You make a Windscreen Insurance Claim for one Vehicle in One year (UK car insurance)?

Ive just had a replacement Windscreen fitted as an insurance claim with the Norwich union. Three days later after the local Council Resurfaced a local road the Windscreen got hit by a stone thrown up by a car be driven way to fast for the newly surfaced road...the Question is How many such Windscreen Claims is you Car Insurance Company likely to Honour in any given year of fully Comprehensive Insurance. I feel a bit of a pratt Making a claim only 3 days after the first claim, but Neither of these Incidents were my fault but just accidental damage. as it is the first Claim cost me a 60 Excess payment and the next one will cost 60 just thec same...""

What happen if drive car with no insurance?

i've been buying this used car since last 2 weeks and drive it with no insurance. The MOT and tax will end in August. I just cant afford to buy the insurance yet. What happen if i don't insured it? i live in Northern Ireland, UK""

Is there a safe and accurate way to search online for auto insurance quotes...?

Don't want to enter social security number or actual home address for that matter. Using age, driving record, general home address (city and state) and of course the required car info...Is there a site that would give you an accurate range of what it would cost to insure a vehicle in NY state? Personal experience is best , but all knowledgeable info would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!""

Confused.com removed cheapest quote?

The other day I tried to get car insurance quote online using confused.com. The cheapest quotes were from admiral, elephant, and bell, the cheapest being around 2000 (i'm 17). However I realised afterwards, that there were some minor details in the quote that needed changing. So I changed them and now, none of these insurers show up in the results, even if I go back to the original quote settings. The cheapest quote is now like 5000. Why is this?""

New Car/ Insurance.?

I just got a new car, and my mom needs to put me on her insurance. We are with State Farm, will she just go in and say what car it is? or will I have to go in with her with the car?""

What gpa do i need for a deduction on car insurance?

I just purchased a 99 grand prix gtp (supercharged) 2 door. I know that my insurance payment will go down based on good grades. I've got a 2.973, is that close enough to 3.0? to get the deduction?""

How much is insurance on a motorcycle for a 16 year old caucasion male in Texas??

i have never had a car or anythin. i am wanting to buy a kawasaki 599cc. i havnt had any accidents or anything. i just need an estimant on how much it would be monthly. now plz dont say call your insurance company or give me a site to go to just plz gestimate what you think it would be.

""Buying a car, when to purchase insurance?

If i decided to go to a used car dealer and buy a car when do i buy insurance? Can i drive it home then buy insurance or do i need to get the insurance before i drive it off the lot?

Low priced car to insure and buy?

I'm a 15 year old girl looking for a cheap car that is low to insure for when I turn 16...I live in the us and don't really care for sporty cars... I was think about a volkswagon beetle 03 but idk how much they are or how much it is insure so... Yeah. But please help!!!

Detroit Michigan Cheap car insurance quotes zip 48231

Cheap car insurance for young people? (Liverpool)?

I'm attempting to get on the road, but it's not going so well. The cheapest I'm getting quoted for a small 1.0 - 1.4L car worth no more than a few hundred pounds is 6200GBP. And that's for TPFT. They won't insure me under a parents name. Even my mother is paying 1000 for a 1.6L Nissan on full NCD! Liverpool postcode. Is it actually possible to young people to get insurance?""

Is car insurance cheaper in Delaware the PA?

I am going to be moving from Pennsylvania to Delaware in the upcoming months. I will need to change my auto insurance and was wondering for anyone else that has made this move, is it cheaper to insure in Delaware(Wilmington) then in Pennsylvania(suburbs)?""

Auto insurance?

i have had my license for a little over 2 years now. My first year pay for auto insurance was 200$ a month (roughly) on my second year pay it was raised to 250$ a month (roughly). i have never gotten into an accident or gotten any tickets (never even been pulled over...). is it normal for auto insurance to be raised by that much, i know for newer drivers its a lot but i figured it would start high then get lower not start low then get higher. i have arbella mutual ins. and driving a toyota corolla ce perfect condition with no problems with it. i live in MA. if that makes a difference""

I'm 17years old how much would it be to insure a Volkswagen Golf?

Is it any wonder so many 17-30 year olds are driving around without insurance?

This is obviously the fault of the insurance companies for pricing them out of the market with their ridiculously high quotes

HELP PLEASE. car insurane/accident help needed. please.?

I got in a car accident Saturday night. The other person was at total fault. She called her insurance company, Allstate, and made a claim, and told them that everything was her fault. I called today and put in my statment. They told me to come to a local Allstate place tomorrow, they will estimate how much it will cost to repair my car, cut me a check, and I can take my car anywhere to get it fixed. They said while my car is in the shop they will rent a car to me free of charge. My insurance hasn't even been involved, and it doesn't look like it will be. My concern is, that my boyfriend was driving, and he is not on MY insurance. But will this even matter? Help please. I'm 18 and I live in Florida and I'm stressed out to hell and back.""

How much is car insurance in nyc?

Im 23 years this is my first car ever a 1998 FORD EXPEDITION wanted to now how much car insurance im looking at.

Help with health insurance please?

Hi there, I was wondering what are some good affordable health insurance companies that will take pre existing conditions also? What other companies are there besides blue shield and medi cal.Thank you in advance.""

Will my insurance drop me?

hey guys.. i have state farm insurance and i was put on my parents insurance as a 17 year old because i got into an accident in november (not my fault, i got rear ended). i turned 18 on new years day and just got a speeding ticket (51 in a 35). i was just wondering if my insurance could drop me and if so how likely it would be. thanks.""

Which do you think would be cheaper on insurance.?

For a 17 year old Provisional licence driver in Ireland.? 2005 Nissan Almera 1.5L saloon or 2000 Honda Civic 1.3L Hatchback I know the Nissan has a bigger engine and is a saloon but will they think im a boy racer because of it being a Honda civic.?

Which make of cars are cheap to insure?

I'm planning on getting a new car but which car manufacturers make cars that are cheap on insurance? It seems Honda is on the higher side, but I was looking at Mitsubishi and theirs seems pretty low, and Mitsu is the one I was going to go with to begin with. Any suggestions? Assume it's just a normal non-sports car.""

16 year old car insurance?

im about to buy a 1997 honda civic ex and i was wondering what my car insurance might be if it helps im a guy in florida and im 16 thanks

Looking for retirement health insurance in florida?

health insurance in the state of florida for over 55 and you may have to be a resident of the state

What is the cheapest insurance?

where could i find the cheapest insurance plan for me with any company. Im mainly trying to figure out what the insurance will be costing with the certain car I will be getting. I am 15 years old currently but will be turning 16 soon and when it comes time for my license during the summer I would like to know how much insurance will be. I already know what type of car im getting, A 1998 Camaro z28. Would it be extremely pricy or not too pricy, i just need a ball type figure. once again with ANY COMPANY, what would be the cheapest for a 16 year old with a 1998 camaro z28? thanks""

How do I calculate my monthly house insurance for my math project?

You will also have to purchase house insurance, which costs a yearly average of 0.3% of the purchase price of your home. Calculate your monthly house insurance. What should I add, divide, and/or mulitply? Thank you for your help!""

Unemployment insurance in california?

Last year I was unemployed. To make a long story short, i took a job and was there for less than 2 weeks. I was forced to pray, and listen to scripture that was muslim. I am very understanding in all religions, but do not practice myself. I was very uncomfortable and left. EDD decided that i left without cause and that i did not deserve insurance. they made me pay back what they paid me and 30% more. I did so even though I didn't agree. Now that I am laid off again, I filled out a claim and got a response saying that I was eligible, and they gave me the forms to fill out for the first two weeks, the standard claim forn. I filled it out, and now got back letters saying that i am not eligible for benefits until i have filed a claim for each of the 5 weeks in which i am otherwise eligible for benefits. I haven't received new claim forms. I am assuming that I will get these, and I will fill them out for 5 weeks, and then they will pay me? So I am looking for clarification, after claiming 5 weeks they will give me my benefits? Thanks for your help, to anyone that has gone through this. It is so unfair! I paid them so much, for something I felt I was justified doing, and now I am still being punished! I would rather be working and not have to worry about this, but it is so hard to find a job :( not a great holiday.""

16 year old first car - Camaro?

I just turned 16 a few days ago and am looking to buy my first car. I really want a 2010 camaro ss with the 6 speed manual, but i am open to any suggestions. I'm a really responsible kid and i get all A's and B's in school. Plus i own my own business and can definitely pay for a new car, insurance, and gas on my own. Your thoughts and any suggestions would be great. Thanks.""

""Is a Ford Mustang, Chevy Camaro or a Dodge Charger good for a first car?

My friend is 18 and goes to college and he has a Ford Mustang. I know its a sport car but is it good for it to be a first car?

Car insurance first? car first? what to do?

Going to buy my first car new off the lot. Do I Buy the car first and drive it off the lot ILLEGALLY and then get insurance? OR can i get Car insurance without a car and then buy the car? How does this work if I am not insured and don't have a car?

What does insurance loss mean?

I am doing a project on insurance loss ratings, but I do not know what they mean. If I said a Grand Vitara SUV had an insurance loss rating of 119, what would that mean from the point of view of the insurance company?""

OK here's a good one. I have a 2002 Dodge 4 door Neon. I need insurance fast. But I need it cheap.?

As cheap as I can get it. I need it for work. I have not had it covered before. Also I live in Illinois. Im seperated and the only one driving it. And I need it fast and cheap. Any ideas on where I can go? Please I need only serious answers, please! Ty""

What is the best car insurance?

What Is the best car insurance for 18 year old. Im driving a 99 s10 blazer.

How much would insurance be for a seventeen year old female driving 1999 Chevrolet?

I am sixteen i turn seventeen soon. My grandma will not keep me on her insurance About how much will insurance be for me as a 17 year old female driving a 1999 Chevrolet

Does the Affordable Health Care law really prevent insurance companies from denying pre-existing conditions?

They say that now, insurance companies can no longer deny insurance to people with pre -existing conditions. So what was HIPAA passed in 1996 for? This law states that insurance companies CAN NOT deny people with pre -existing conditions. The only change I see is it gets rid of the 12 month exclusion period. I had two aunts with lupus, both lived in California and had insurance, until they moved to Texas. If they could have kept their insurance, they would have, but for some odd reason liberals are against insurance across state lines. They had no problem finding insurance, they just had to be out of pocket for 12 months. HIPAA also states that if you can go six months without any medical visits, advice/procedures, insurance companies are not allowed to look further than that and must not apply the exclusion period. So did the Affordable Care Act really stop insurance companies from denying coverage for pre existing conditions, or was it ALREADY a law? http://www.dol.gov/ebsa/faqs/faq_consumer_hipaa.html""

What does car insurance cost?

I'm 16 almost 17 about to get my license in a small town in Indiana. I get all As except for maybe one B a semester. I went to drivers ed. I will get a 2001 silver volkswagon ...show more

Detroit Michigan Cheap car insurance quotes zip 48231

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/cea-earthquake-insurance-quote-amanda-chambers/"

0 notes

anothergirlrecovering · 7 years

Text

Lynn 70

I got there and Lynn invited me in and said that she had just gotten off the phone with her daughter. She ended up basically venting about her daughter and home her daughter really wants to just casually date but that apparently all of these guys just want to wife her up and she isn’t interested in that. Lynn said that she encourages her to date people and find out what she does and doesn’t want in a relationship and for it to not be this big serious thing. She said that her last two boyfriends were super serious theater kids and it was just awful. I said maybe she needed to broaden her horizons and I’ll look for you guys outside the theater department. Lynn laughed and said she should tell her to go over to NYU to meet guys and I was like yeah hit up some of the frats and she was like exactly, find some guys who are definitely not looking to get married and manly. She explained that her daughter Anna I’ve run loves her but she’s super infuriating and she just has a way to really just inflame people. She said that one time her son Ryan for real beat the crap out of her and she was like oh my God he can’t go around beating up women but then she was thinking about it and was like wait a minute one time her twin sister Rachel also beat the crap out of her and she was like common denominator is Anna so as long as he doesn’t beat anyone else up, it’s alright although she laughed and said he did get in trouble too. She said that when the twins were little they always thought the problem was Rachel because she would always bite Anna, which I was like Lynn did you buy Rachel back? And she was like well no and I told her that my mom bit me back and apparently I never bitten anyone else again. She said that Rachel only ever bit Anna and she was worried about it going into preschool but it was fine and now when they looked back at home videos and stuff they always find that it could be something like the twins are playing in the bathtub and Rachel will be happily doing her own thing and Anna will grab something from her one Lynn isn’t looking you may laugh about it now because they know that and I was always the instigator. She laughed and said that she doesn’t get it with this generation wanting to seriously date and I was like that hasn’t been my experience with people around her age because isn’t she a little like 19 and Lynn was like well 20 and I was like OK so still little and she was like yeah I don’t know why they are all interested in looking at marriage right now. I said I don’t know that’s weird . She said that they would all be together next week for spring break for a vacation and she was like it’s interesting because the dynamics always change every time we all get together since the dynamics have shifted with the two going to college. She laughed and was like I don’t know what that’s about but when all three of them are together I am so much more annoyed by them. I laughed and was like college kids are annoying, don’t worry about it and I told her that I watched ladybird. She was like oh yeah? And I was like yeah I’m not even the slightest bit triggering and I jokingly said and the whole time I kept thinking like this lane even know me at all which lane was kind of like what the heck and asked why and I was like because I only get triggered by happy close mother daughter relationships. She was like in what way and I was like well if it’d been like a loving mother daughter that would’ve been different and she was like well did you connect with anything and I was like yeah I was funny because my husband and I watched it and my mom is definitely the guilt tripping controlling part of the mom and his mom is more of the passive aggressive blatantly rude part of the Mom. I explained how my husband has been venting about his mom and family lately and how he had made the comment that if we ever divorced he doesn’t think he can get remarried because he couldn’t find a good way to explain his family to anyone else. I explained how his sister had a big issue going on currently with domestic violence potential he and towel I’m sure I will be thrown in the middle when it comes to this on Easter and she wanted to talk to me but then never ended up calling me back which was fine by me. I explained all of my checkpoint reasoning skills on why I didn’t think it mattered who she talk to you because she’s not ready to leave and Lynn was like yeah note from what you just said she wants to be in that relationship and you can’t stop her and I was like exactly. She was like well see you connected with it so I would have thought it would’ve been somewhat triggering because of relating to bed and I was like Nolan it didn’t end on this wonderful happy note, like if there had been some sort of moment where the mom comes back and apologizes and they have this big love and connection then maybe and Lynn started laughing and I was like but there was no resolution like she was basically on the same page as my mom probably know her mom could’ve ignored her voicemail. Lynn was laughing and was like OK so since I didn’t and happily ever after, you weren’t triggered and I was like absolutely not LOL. I told her speaking of my mom, and explained how I told my mom about how I was frustrated that she kept sending me those houses but that I’ve been glad because she hasn’t sent me any sense. She was like well that’s good and hopefully it stays that way but we know how your mom is.

I told her that I had that really bad panic attack at craniosacral therapy and how we were talking briefly about my car accident but then talking about how our husbands never seem capable of giving even a five minute massage and Lynn laughed and said because they don't want to and so I was like it seemed like a random panic attack and that I wasn’t exactly sure why and Lynn pretty much was like it sounds like they definitely released something to cause that and I was like I don’t now and she was like well I’ve heard many stories of people who do something like that and end up feeling like a release something and she said how with her frozen shoulder if she did something similar and the lady pretty much just touch different parts of her arm and shoulder and she was confused because she was expecting it to be like a deep tissue thing but it wasn’t And that was really what helped her the most with getting better. She said she was surprised but it worked and she has had many clients swear by that lady who does craniosacral therapy and so she is betting that my panic attack came from that. She asked how my neck feels and I was like honestly for the first two days it felt perfect and I was like oh my God maybe that carried it but now it’s back to kind of feeling like usual so maybe not in Lynn was like oh man false hope. I was like yeah and told her about how I went to see my old therapist and how I was ecstatic when he brought up no flat affect. Lynn was like that’s weird and I was like why and she said that someone would even comment on that. I said that he’s a psychologist and she was like oh yeah they seem more focused on those things but it’s almost like sometimes they get so hyper focused on things that they miss obvious things and of it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck maybe it’s a duck. I said like I always say, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, as my good old friend Freud says. She was like yeah I just seems like a lot of times they miss things that seem so clearly connected and I was like I think that’s because they focus more on projections and sometimes make something out of nothing. I was like man I appreciate that when I ask you a question you don’t turn it back on me and ask me what I think or what would it mean to me if you said one thing or the other. She laughed and was like that’s just not how I do therapy and I was like well I’m glad for that because that drives me nuts. I said that I was just glad that it was so obvious to him that I no longer had flat affect even though I knew that Lynn said it, it was like he knew me years ago when it was bad and then that stood out to them about me now. Lynn was like well I would never check off that box for you for flat affect and usually when I do it’s for people who are just heavily medicated and there’s just no expression at all. I was like honestly I might have been that way. She was like you may have and made this weird comment about how maybe it was just a part of my development basically instead of path all a driving it and I was like well that sounds fairly disappointing to think of my normal development as being so flat and I was like I just figured it was because I was super depressed and really sick with an eating disorder. She was like well that too. She pointed out that it was probably really nice hearing that somebody could really see how much I had healed and I was like exactly.

She had me grab the tappers for EMDR and honestly processing was kind of all over the place. Initially she wanted me to go back to the perfectionism and what it would be like to let go of the expectation for perfectionism. I thought about how I really don’t know because I’ve never experienced it and it feels like this has always been such a big part of my life. I told her about how I had these two big trophy shelves in my room and how stupid that sounds now because life is in a contest and i’m not 12 anymore so my old trophies are irrelevant. She told me to notice that I’m not 12 anymore. Honestly all of the rest of processing kind of went all over the place so I can’t really remember the order just the majority of what was actually recalled. I noticed how I don’t do well with embarrassment like I said last time and how as a kid I think I handled it differently because I remembered being embarrassed as a kid and fighting back which Lynn was like that’s a protective mechanism right and I was like yeah and she was like noticed that and I explained how a kid in the fourth grade in barest me for being tall and so I made fun of his red hair and then he got really embarrassed and turned red and nobody really did that again Beth in six grade this girl embarrassed me and pointed out that me and this girl Suzanne had finger toes because we were so tall and I didn’t fight back and I remember feeling like there was something wrong with me and so I don’t know why or when that shift happened where I stopped taking out my embarrassment on other people and started to turn against myself. I noticed how i don’t do well with gray areas in terms of myself as far as perfectionism goes because it feels like it has to be all or nothing perfect or not at all.l but that there is a part of me that really likes sitting in the gray areas regarding possibilities and I explain towel in 11th grade my science teacher got really angry at me for having my own theory on a vacuum and that he had thrown his dictionary at me. Lynn was like wait this was the teacher that through the book and I was like yeah and I really don’t even know what made him so angry about me disagreeing. I noticed how are used to always be so embarrassed by him because he would call me tapeworm and tease me saying that I must have a tapeworm and that’s why I was always hungry and my stomach would always growl and looking back now I still don’t know why I was just always so hungry because by then I was eating but it was like I would eat breakfast and then I would eat on the bus and then I would eat between classes and then I would eat at lunch and then I would eat a snack after school and it was just like never ending hunger I was never satisfied. At some point Lane tried to bring it back to the perfectionism keys and I noticed that something that really bothers me is that when I look back at it now it just feels like I shouldn’t have been so hard to love. I explained how as a little kid I can remember being like eight years old and waking up really sick and begging to sleep in my parents bed with them because I knew my brother did that when he was sick and I remember standing there crying and just begging and my mom telling me to leave and then coming back in anyway and crying and finally she said you can sleep at the bottom of the bed with the dog and I remember just laying there crawled up in this little ball silently crying and just wishing that I could disappear and praying that the dog wouldn’t move to make my mom mad and eventually my mom kicked me and said to get out because there wasn’t room and I remember feeling like I was the lowest of the low and just completely worthless that the dog meant more to her than me and. Then I started to tear up and I explained that it just sucks because it feels like I was really hard to love and I don’t know why because when I look back now and I think about a little kid crying and feeling sick and wanting to sleep in their parents bed I can’t imagine turning them away like that or at least going to sit with them in their room or something but it just feels like it was my fault that I was too difficult to love. Lynn asked if it was possible that my stomach hurt because I was so hungry and I was like well yeah I guess. That led me through this sort of shame spiral of feeling like it was my own fault for not eating. I explained how I’m so mad at myself because I normal people can make themselves eat and as stupid as it sounds, it just feels like I should have been able to make myself do it. I pointed out that my husband said that he had to finish his plate as a kid and so he did, and I remember my best friend Michelle eating dinner at our house and she would eat whatever my parents made even though she didn’t like it and my parents would shame me in front of her saying how I didn’t eat things and how great Michelle was because she would and I don’t know if it was because I was just really picky or if I had sensory issues or why as a kid I was so adamant that I would literally go to bed hungry. Lynn and asked why I could do that and I was like I don’t know I mean sensory issues or something and Lynn was like no I’m thinking of another option and she was like come on what would you suggest as a possibility for a kid client and I was like I mean I guess that things are out of control in their life so they are trying to control food and I was like but honestly that just feels like such a copout big as what was I even trying to control it’s not like I had this horribly traumatizing childhood and it’s not like it was my parents fault but I was having all of these panic attacks and I just feel like I should have been able to eat. I noticed that part of me felt mad at my grandma for not doing something since she knew that I had a secret stash and was ordering food other than she just said that she knew my parents were crazy and then I also felt guilty for feeling mad at her and Lynn was like well let’s be real we know your parents there probably wasn’t anything that she could do anyway right? And I was like I mean yeah I guess that’s true they wouldn’t have done anything different even if she had said something. I said how my dad’s motto is always that no one ever starve to death of the plate of food in front of them and I guess for that time in my life that was true not so much true when I was an adult with an eating disorder but I don’t know why a kid way to override the natural process of meeting to either simply for the sake of throwing a tantrum and trying to control something. I explained how I was a kid I had gotten really embarrassed because we were only allowed to eat half of a butter packet at restaurants and we were never allowed to eat the skin on chicken because both were considered too fattening and that would be bad and there was one time when we were out to dinner at a restaurant with my grandparents and I remember being mortified when my dad called me out on taking too much butter. And then also at dinner being embarrassed when my dad yelled at me for eating the skin on the chicken. Lynn pointing out that these are really deep seeded believes that are hard to shake. I said for sure. She asked me if it’s possible to have compassion for that little kid and I got awkward and quiet and said no I don’t think so and she was like think of yourself as an adult and I thought she meant to have compassion for myself as an adult then I was like I mean maybe a little bit and she was like go on and I was like I don’t know like maybe I don’t now and she was like no really tell me what can you be compassionate about and I was like I guess I can be a little bit compassionate that when I have thoughts popping in my head that I know are irrational like feeling sad or judging someone else’s body I can have compassion for the fact that it I’m not choosing to have those thoughts. She asked me about compassion for that little kid and I just kind of awkwardly stared and I was like honestly like no and she was like for that little kid who is in eating because they are trying to control something and I was like no like I really can’t find any compassion for that kid because it feels like what is that kid was just being a brat and I don’t know even though logically I know it wasn’t really my fault it feels that way and she asked me what I would say to a kid clients parent if that was their kid and what I suggest they have rules for things like only half of butter packet and I was like no definitely not and she was like why and I was like because I wouldn’t ever suggest anything so rigid and she was like OK notice that.

She told me we were out of time and that she wanted me to contain but we had just worked on and that we would pick back up with it and continue working next time. I said OK. She pointed out that a lot of these food believes are really deep seeded and I was like yeah and told her about how I had so much shame going to sonic and getting chicken nuggets even though it wasn’t for me and how I felt like I was embarrassed and needed to apologize for ordering the Nuggets like I was doing something bad. She was like yeah good old sonic, we will keep working. And I said OK and we scheduled for three weeks out since we already scheduled for two weeks from now and next week she will be on vacation for spring break. I asked where she was going and she said the beach and I said that would be nice and I hope she has fun. I asked her if she does Blue Cross EAP sessions and she was like not often why do you? And I was like I mean technically but I don’t really know what I’m doing so I was going to ask if you knew the CPT code and she was like isn’t it all the same and I was like I don’t know I would think so but I have the CIGNAEAP code but that code isn’t even listed on my fee schedule that Blue Cross sent me so I’m assuming they must use a different one. Lynn was like I honestly tell people sometimes that I don’t do EAP because I don’t want to deal with that paperwork. She said that in general she doesn’t get a ton of Blue Cross people and I was like that’s so weird because where I am the majority of people are Blue Cross. She said the majority that she sees are United and Aetna. She said she was sorry she couldn’t be of more help and I was like it’s OK the guy over our region just never answers my calls or emails so I’m just trying to figure out what to do. She said it was understandable to be annoyed and I headed out

0 notes