#he's got the coolest sword--no--he MADE the coolest sword

[unexpectedstormy]

Attention Everyone

I love Linked Universe Sky. That is all.

[knightsickness]

Rank dance era characters by how likely they would be the employee of the month at hot topic in 2009

do not have hot topic in my country so i’m going off how competently i think they could work in a mall and my general understanding of hot topic as a tween-teen emo store. worst to best

don’t work there (anymore)

15 daemon - near pathological inability to keep a job which he views as a point of pride

14 aegon - absolutely dogshit employee only applied bc otto thought work might build character in him. fired on his first day for trying to smoke weed out of a vent and setting off the fire alarm. barely even got the chance to be rude to customers or covertly masturbate in the break room

13 alicent - wouldn’t like the store wouldn’t like customer service wouldn’t go for a hot topic job and would leave almost immediately if she had to work there

12 rhaenys and corlys - would be fine i just don’t think they would work there. better things to do

11 rhaenyra - she’s liking posts that say like ‘i don’t have a dream job i do not dream of labour’ with a trust fund she is NOT working at a mall. this high bc if she did work there she’d be completely fine and normal

bad

10 criston - arguably most employed guy in the dance WILL keep a job. do not think he would enjoy hot topic as a brand or the customers would be a better employee if he wasn’t getting into fights with emo teenagers about satanism. he would however fucking love abusing the limited power of a mall cop

9 larys - tied w criston for most employed guy in the dance i don’t know how transferable the skills are between torturer and customer service. guy who gives tweens in pokemon shirts 70s torture porn recommendations they shouldn’t be watching. leery

normal

8 otto - few opportunities for scheming social advancement in this line of work but is organised and a solid employee. gets bullied by the customers for being old

7 harwin laena and laenor - normal. don’t think they’d love the work or anything but i think they could all do customer service w teens they’re nice

6 tyland - guy who managed to be the mvp of a rapidly decaying team and survive the war entirely through middle management of financial minutiae and being sort of smilingly inoffensive i think he’s made for customer service. store manager material

good

5 viserys - everything bad that happened in viserys’ life can be tied back to his not being an oldhead horror fan in 2009 with a million dollar warhammer collection he wants to tell you about i unironically think he would crush it

4 jace baela and rhaena - not much to say. nice and normal teenagers would be a good employee at any store in the mall. jace doing his high valyrian homework on his break. higher than harwin laena laenor bc they could be paid less for the same work as teenagers

employee of the month

3 alys - has worked there since the store was founded fat older goth putting cigarettes out on her inappropriately younger boyfriend and stinking of incense. unfirable she knows where everything is

2 helaena - sweetiepie likes bugs has psychic visions does not act out. beloved cashier regular employee of the month

1 aemond - objectively a worse employee than his sister however the coolest guy any emo teen has ever seen in their life. occasionally shows customers under his eyepatch or explains how if anyone tried to rob the store how he’d kill them with the sword he claims he has hidden

[hubristicassholefight]

Swordswoman Showdown Round 4/Quarterfinal

Kikunojo (One Piece) vs Brienne of Tarth (A Song Of Ice and Fire)

(Better here in a "preferred character" sense, not "who would win in a fight")

Propaganda below cut

Kikunojo

She is a samurai and a retainer for the Kozuki Family, serving as one of the Nine Red Scabbards, a group of samurai that protect the Kozuki family and their country. She's a very skillful samurai, and she and her group managed to delay and hold off the main villain of the arc, (which was an almost insurmountable task for even the main character) and survived the experience despite her horrible injuries; She's canonically and openly trans! And she's gorgeous. And huge... She's 287 cm tall, which for the USAmericans in the audience is 9' 5". She's simply the coolest.

She’s a samurai and fights with a sword; tall trans woman <3

Legendary devoted samurai!; She's 2.87m tall, a time traveler, and not even losing an arm in the middle of the fight stopped her- she had it imediately cauterized and went back to the fight.

She's a lady samurai! Pretty and very skillful with her katana!

She is a samurai who was sent 20 years into the future to avenge the death of her lord; She’s so tall and canonically trans and I love her

She’s a badass samurai who fights for what she believes in and to help people. She is known as Kiku of lingering snow. She’s also canonically trans

She's a time traveling trans samurai, the only woman in a group of 9 legendary samurais; Her arm was chopped off by the biggest baddie so far and she continued fighting, isn't that badass?

One of the strongest samurai in her country; She's a trans icon

#kiku the greatest of all time#🐐#tall and gorgeous samurai lady#who is a trans icon#love that she is so tall that she doesn't fit in the image display#gets recognized as strong by the main character multiple times and proves it by being the most resilient badass of the entire arc#stands up to tyrants and abusers of class privilege#also helps break said main character out of the enemies prison and takes part in a rebellion against the corrupt prison staff#one piece#okiku#kiku

#kiku is canonically trans

Brienne

gets gifted a sword made with the rarest metal ever because she’s THAT good; she’s simply the best

Brienne is one of the top sword users alive in her day. She's descended from a man who's catchphrase was "I'm better with a sword." Better than what? You. Jaime Lannister. Loras Tyrell. Any five given guys at once. She has a fantastic sword that might be magic or cursed and is named Oathkeeper because that's what she does; I love her

Beat like 20 guys in a tournament when she was 19. Was given a magic sword. Won a sword fight against the premier swordsman in the realm. Very swordly; Very tall and strong. Holds her sword in high esteem. Accomplished with other weapons as well!

She's defeated multiple of the top knights in the series in duels. One such knight gifts her the fabergé egg of swords and she uses it to defend orphans and stuff. Got out of a bad betrothal by dueling him and beating his ass so bad she broke multiple bones. Honestly there's so much more she is the swordswoman of all time. to me; She's buff and ugly and 6' 5" and so honorable and kind that she inspires the guy who fucks his sister to yknow. stop doing that. literally gets mauled for the sake of protecting a bunch of orphans (with her sword). also she's 20 she should be at the club ‼️

One of the best sword wielders in Westeros, the author says he would pick her to defend him. Has a cool sword called Oathkeeper. Manages to go up against 7 fighters and take out most of them,. The only true knight; First off, talking about book brienne, they massacred show brienne, the show runners simply didn’t understand what she’s about.“ She had no chance against seven, she knew. No chance, and no choice” brienne had plenty of choice but she couldn’t leave people to die. The chivalric paradigm is rotten and corrupted, but here is Brienne, the one true knight, who isn’t even a actual knight! “knights are for killing”, but here is a knight who risks her life again and again to protect innocents! Bri IS hope, she is the light in the dark that shows that things can be better, things must be better. Fundamentally an idealist: “Winter will never come for the likes of us. Should we die in battle, they will surely sing of us, and it's always summer in the songs. In the songs all knights are gallant, all maids are beautiful, and the sun is always shining”

[puffballwarrior-blog]

After months of putting this off, I'm finally posting stuff for Spectral Dreams :D

Click for higher quality

Introducing the mascot, Magonyan! The Yo-Kai version of Magolor.

He's a C-rank Fire Attribute Yo-Kai freed by Nate from the Crank-a-kai. His inspiriting causes lying when you don't mean to. His Skill is Resistance which reduces effects from enemy inspirits. His Soultimate is Bombs of Fury, which is basically just a fire attribute Paws of Fury.

There's gonna be a MASSIVE lore dump under the cut if you wanna read.

Over 200 years ago, he died being mauled by a dog, thus losing his limbs. After that, he discovered that no one could see him and thought he could do whatever he wanted without consequences. He snuck into a village altar and stole the crown of a tyrant, the Overlord's Crown. He put it on and fused with it, creating a powerful Yo-Kai named Overnyan.

Magonyan thought it was the coolest thing ever, wanting to test his new form's power. But little did he know, the crown he fused with was taken over by a Wicked Yo-Kai. It took over his body and wreaked havoc on the village. But before it could cause any more destruction, a little pink Legendary Yo-Kai stopped him, and he was sealed away in the Crank-a-kai.

While sealed away, he felt all alone. No one to talk to, alone with his thoughts in a tiny cramped capsule. A decade later, he heard a voice, a new Yo-Kai had been sealed away in a capsule just like he was. The voice was rambling on and on about his old master, a shogun who died in a war. Magonyan listened intently to him, even chiming in to make a conversation. They built a close friendship over the years they were trapped despite never seeing each other's faces. Until one day, Magonyan's friend was freed from the Crank-a-kai, leaving him alone once again.

It didn't take long for him to be next, however. He was freed by an average-looking human boy, Nate. Magonyan noticed how much attention Jibanyan got and decided to make a costume of him, even pretending to be him at one point. It was then he discovered his love for making costumes and made a lot of different cosplays of other cat Yo-Kai.

(Unrelated to lore but I imagine if he were in a game, you could customize which costume he wears when befriending different cat Yo-Kai.)

They wound up finding the Overlord's Crown once more but Magonyan only fuses with it if it's a dire situation, he does not want to be taken over by the Wicked again.

Soon, the stuff with Dame Dedtime happened, and Wicked Yo-Kai were taking over Old Springdale and the humans and Yo-Kai in it. In the final fight, Magonyan fused with the crown and dealt the final blow to Dame Demona. Because of this, Kin and Gin sent him back in time to try and change his fate in an attempt to "revive" Dame Dedtime, similar to what they did with Jibanyan and Whisper. He refused, choosing to die again and return to his friends. Reliving his death was scary, but worth being able to be in an afterlife with friends.

After a while, something happened and he ended up losing control as Overnyan again. This caught the attention of Lord Enma and for the sake of Springdale, he sealed him away in the Infinite Inferno. Magonyan ended up fighting the big bosses inside in order to get out, making friends with those wrongly in there along the way who also wanted out. In the end, instead of Wobblewok, he had to fight the Wicked Yo-Kai who had broken free from the crown. When things looked bad, Magonyan picked up the crown and fused with it once more, finally having it under his control. He picked up a sword that had mysteriously appeared on the ground, one that bore a striking resemblance to the Enma Blade, and used it to defeat the Wicked that caused all of this.

(I imagine the fight would be similar to the Yo-Kaiju fight in YKW3 with controlling every action)

After the fight, he's approached by none other than Lord Enma himself. He explains that he sent Magonyan to the Infinite Inferno because he thought he was abusing the power of the crown but knows now that it was the Wicked's doing all along. After he properly apologizes for the misunderstanding, he agrees to let Magonyan out of the Infinite Inferno with the Overlord's Crown and the sword he gave him under the promise that he would use their power responsibly. Magonyan agrees without hesitation and he is let out.

After escaping, he notices that Nate is nowhere to be found in Springdale, his family isn't even in their house. Where could he have gone? And what's Magonyan supposed to do now?

[tartsinarat]

I didn’t want to just post nothing for the next few days and disappear because of being busy with story planning and an animatic for the post canon part of the Golden heir au soooo here’s some doodles I did a while ago that I finally finished and coloured

Drawing smol Hunter made me sad because he hasn’t gone through most of the horrors yet and has only just become the Golden guard.

Anyway, the doodle on the right is Hunter trying his best to comfort Pip after he didn’t take the fact that Hunter is now the golden guard and is going to be off doing dangerous missions all the time very well.

It also didn’t help that due to being told that wild witches basically merked their whole family and him not being allowed to go outside obviously really messed up Pip’s perception on anything that exists outside the castle so he just assumes that Hunter is just going to die in a horrifying and tragic way if he steps out too far…

No idea if anyone noticed it but the reason why I gave a Pip a sword originally is because of this scene in hollow mind

So I thought it would be cute to reference it by drawing Pip’s younger lil kid self playing with a palistrom sword

On a side note the reason in canon to why Pip originally wanted to learn how to use a sword was because he once got told about knights by Belos who was just humouring him when he asked about the human realm, Pip then thought it was the most coolest way for someone to slay evil doers and wild witches and was like I could totally learn how to use that

So yeah the kid was seven and was already practicing killing wild witches so thank fuck he even got basically adopted by Eda and had a major reality check because if not he would have turned out to be a proper monster jeez

[badass-queer-couples-battle]

Sword gays showdown, round 1 of bracket one

Propaganda:

For Percy:

shes canonically ace :] and shes got a REAL ASS GOD DAMN SWORD!!!!!!

She wields a real ass goddamn sword and kicks ass with it! She can also channel her magic wizard tower powers into said sword which is also badass. She also has some really banger lines in the show.

She carries a real-ass-goddamned-sword ! Which is in genuine reference to when she's first introduced in the series! She also constantly carries said sword around and uses it in combat later in episode 7

For Runaan:

Runaan is a Moonshadow elf, and the deadliest assassin in all of Xadia. His artificer husband Ethari crafted his magical bowblade - a bow that splits into two swords - and at the command of the Dragon Throne, Runaan stealths into the human lands to take out dangerous enemies without risking any extra lives on either side.

Has a weapon that can transition between being used as a bow and blades. Said bowblade was made by his blacksmith husband, who also fights with him. He's also disabled in fanon and is canonically a foster father. Also he's hot.

He's the leader of an elite group of Moonshadow assassins, the deadliest assassin force in their world. He fights with a bowblade (dual wielding swords that, when attached at the hilts, turns into a bow). It is the COOLEST weapon ever! Runaan was the only survivor when he and his team infiltrated Katolis Castle to successfully kill the king. He's canonically gay and has a husband, who is a blacksmith/craftsman and makes the weapons his husband wields. Runaan is a very intense man, but he's such a softie when around his husband.

He definitely uses one or two sword type things, and the episode his husband first shows up in is one of my favorites

[ya-gurl-emily]

God TP is such a good game dude, Its a fantasy world styled as a western, you play as a goat herding werewolf and his goth alien imp princess gf fighting an alien invasion, its about optimism persevering through suffering, you can talk to animals and pick up ouppies, the hero of the last game returns as a sick darth vader ghost skeleton who teaches you how to fight better, the first hour is a farming sim, they made everyone goth, your skills as a goat herder are crucial to winning on several occasions (including the final boss), it has the coolest Ganondorf in any game no contest, That motherfucker got stabbed through the chest with a sword DESIGNED TO KILL HIM and he still managed to snap the neck of one of his 7(7) executioners, he uses that same sword as a weapon in his 4 stage boss fight, the other antagonist is an insecure narcissist who wears crocs, you leave dungeons with disgusting bird(?) lady and her son who live in heaven, you travel there by being launched out of a cannon, you collect bugs for an autistic millionaire 12 year old, You make soup for a yeti, they made tingle a twink, the boss baby is there, its got it all.

[anotheroceanid]

I wrote this sleepy, directly on my laptop and barely revised it, please have it in mind!!!

Your treat. @perseabeth @orchardsong

For context to everyone else, this is a unfinished one shot I was writing for the WTHB series, but I literally just made two scenes and called it a day and went back to the main story lol

Her eyes are only slightly closed as she enjoys the sun kisses on her skin. Percy tries not too look flushed while she help one of the new campers on how to hold a sword properly.

‘Are you alright, Miss Jackson?’ The little girl asks. ‘You’re red.’

Percy is obviously failing.

‘It’s never this hot in Atlantis. I think I got used to weather there.’

‘Oh, there must be nice. I don’t like when it’s hot.’

      It would be a surprise if she did. The was Boreas’ daughter. And Canadian.

‘It is. But I like warmth, too.’

For a second, Percy was silently judged by a seven-year-old girl, ‘Well, guess even the Hero of Olympus can have poor taste. If the barrier controls the weather, couldn’t someone turn on it’s AC?’

Percy wheezed as she heard an indignant "Hum!" near her ear. The sun tickled her cheeks, and Percy smiled softly.

‘Hey, do not wave the sword so… fast…’ She mumbled as one of Hermes’ boy threw his weapon a few metres away. Thank gods it was a wooden sword, because it hit right in the head of one of Demeter’s children, who immediately started screaming.

‘Keep going, Anne, you’re doing fine.’ Percy praised the daughter of Boreas as she ran the other way, where the six-year-old boy cried. ‘Chill, chill. It’s alright!’ She bent down to be at the child's height, so she could verify it’s head. ‘It’s alright, right?’ She whispered as low as possible, so the young campers that reunited around her wouldn’t listen.

‘Yup. Just good old drama.’ Apollo answered. Only her could hear him.

‘Great! I mean, hey it’s not bad, you know? You’re tough!’ Percy cheered, and the six-year-old seemed sceptical. ‘It’s just a little ouchie, isn’t it?’

‘No!’ He claimed loudly, hand dramatically placed on his head. ‘It’s a big ouchie! Kiss it!’

Percy blinked for a moment. Oh, this is cute. ‘Of course, of course.’ She said, as she kissed his forehead. ‘Is it better now or do you think you need to go to the infirmary get some syrup!’

‘I’m fine!’ He cheered. ‘No syrup, it’s disgusting.’

‘Okay, no syrup then.’ Percy laughed, and she heard Apollo giggling too. ‘Now get your sword and go back to practice, okay? Nico, would you assist me, please?’

On a distant corner, wearing a black hiking jacket that would make Percy melt in that heat, Nico Di Angelo frowned. ‘Am I not, already?’

‘The idea is to, for example, not let people accidentally throw swords on each other.’ Percy mouthed.

‘I don’t like kids.’

‘Then why did you offer help, Mr Retiree?’

‘Technically, I could be.’ Nico said.

‘Technically, he could be.’ Apollo muttered, at the exact same moment.

‘… and it was either that or helping with the strawberries. The dryads say I’m terrible with plants.’ The dryads are correct, Percy silently agreed, but said nothing. ‘But I’m terrible with kids too, so…’

‘You’re not terrible with kids. They are very welcoming if you try.’ Percy encouraged, though Nico didn’t seem convinced. ‘For cookies, then?’

Nico seemed to ponder for a moment. ‘Don’t draw skulls on them this time.’ He turned, moving toward the same son of Hermes, who looked at Nico like he was the coolest guy alive.

‘That’s a low blow, love.’ Apollo whispered, and she felt his fingertips stroking her neck. She felt a shiver down her spine. ‘Can I get cookies too?’

‘Stop that!’ She mumbled, trying to move her lips as little as possible. She had gotten pretty good at it recently; though it was particularly easier when she was surrounded by little kids she towered over. But poor Nico… Well, he was too overwhelmed by the speed the son of Hermes talked to pay attention to her. If his eyes grow any bigger, they’d fall out of his face.

Apollo chuckled. ‘Took me a lot of effort to get here. If anything, it’s your fault I turned touchy.’

Percy knew she was red like a tomato. ‘You’ve always been touchy.’

‘Unfortunately, I tend to get worse with time.’ He kissed one of Percy’s shoulders. ‘Will you come to Delos with me for the weekend?’

She bit her lip, knowing she should say no. However, it was not like Percy had anything to do at camp in the weekend. The friends that’d be at camp would be engaging in activities Percy had been avoiding and the other friends… Well, not her age. Percy didn’t see herself spending the entire weekend playing UNO with Cabin 7 and Nico, either.

Technically, she could go to Atlantis. There was no downside to that, even if sometimes Triton could be a bit overwhelming as an older brother. Then, father allowed Triton to be overwhelming, so she blamed it on him. Besides that, it was always fun in Atlantis…

‘Or…’ Percy started, ignoring completely her previous line of thoughts. ‘You could come to my mother’s apartment.’ Apollo got silent. Percy blushed. ‘Unless it’s something terribly offensive to invite a god to your mother’s apartment for a weekend. In this case, ignore what I just said.’

‘Do you want me to meet your mom?’ He whispered softly, and Percy felt his breath near her neck.

‘You know my mom.’ She answered, exasperated at the closeness. ‘Dude, I really need to focus on not letting a kid not pluck an eye from another.’

He ignored what she just said and kept going. ‘I saw your mom. Once. That didn’t count.’

‘You talked to her.’

‘Artemis talked to her. I just stood there and nodded trying to not look stupid.’

This was Percy’s time to chuckle. ‘Artemis would argue you failed.’

‘I would argue I failed that day! I’m pretty sure I was smiling a little too much. Didn’t she spoke to you about me?’

‘Nope. Not a word.’ Mostly because Percy blackout-ed a few hours after the Laurel Wreath Ceremony and didn’t remember most of it, because no one thought about telling her the free drinks weren’t alcohol free. Bless Rhode for helping her and keeping it a secret.

‘See? I caused a bad impression.’ He professed dramatically. ‘You cannot ask me to just show up in your door one random weekend and then meet your mom, I need planning time. I need to gather gifts, and maybe write a poem or a music to her.’

Percy pictured Apollo showing up at their door with a millionaire collection of jewellery and the next Billboard Hot 100 number one hit. That wasn’t the way Percy wanted her mom and Paul to meet her boyfriend. Boyfriend? Can she call him that? Secret boyfriend? Friend-with-Benefits who walk holding hands in Paris? Friends’ brother who she kissed indiscriminately when they were left alone? Friends’ dad she got cosy with? Percy never brought up the topic, and sincerely she was a bit nervous to do so, but she wondered what she should call it.

Not that she would be announcing it to anyone any time soon. Or ever. Well, ever was a long time to count with, but she’s not spilling the tea the next girls’ night.

‘My mom won’t be there.’ Percy revealed, licking her lips timidly. ‘She and Paul are visiting his family, so… We would be alone.’

Which wasn’t the case in Delos.

His mom was there. Leto was amazing, but that all knowing grin she would give them made her feel scandalous. Additionally, Percy would like to have a moment with her Call-It-What-You-Want without Thalia, Artemis and Hermes playing UNO on the living room. It was not as if she intended doing anything, Percy simply didn’t want that feeling of being watched.

‘Oh…’ Apollo sang devilishly. ‘This won’t help me cause a good first impression.’ He laughed, obviously finding fun in it all. ‘Which isn’t fair, considering my whole family adores you. And don’t dare arguing with me, you know it’s true. I’m talking about the side of the family that matters, by the way.’

They remained quiet for a second, then Percy spoke. ‘So, is it no?’

‘It’s an absolute "I’ll be there!", I’m just thinking how I’ll make it up for your mom… Any idea?’

‘My mom is chill; she won’t hate you for coming over when she’s out. Mom always says I can bring in, hm… ‘Boys, but he didn’t need to know that. ‘…friends.’

Silence, again. ‘Her favourite singer is definitely getting a Grammy next year.’

‘Her favourite singer is Freddie Mercury.’

‘Your family definitely hates me, my love…’

Mr D almost cries when she tells him and Chiron that she is leaving to spend the weekend "with her mom". Well, he didn’t cry. But he cried out a ‘You’re leaving me alone with them?!’ As he pointed his finger to a group of toddler demigods who played in the carpet. Apparently, they invaded Big House and refused to get out without a fight.

Chiron also gave her a pleading look as one of the toddlers pulled his tail. ‘Is it urgent?’ He asks, silently agreeing with Mr D.

‘I mean, she’s happy that I improved with the whole thing with the war, so we wanted to spend some time together, you know? Like the old times. Words like "gatekeeper" and "fight" were used against my father.’ Being around Hermes made lie much easier for her. Percy wondered it was some sort of blessing or if she was just learning it by familiarity.

‘Can’t you go next week?’ Mr D asked, as he moved his hands to flout a pointy pen out of one of the toddlers’ hands. The poor kid started to cry. ‘Or next month? Your mom won’t run away, Penny Johnson!’

She held a laughter as she watched Mr D pick up the child and try desperately to stop the monstrous tantrum over a pen. ‘They won’t grow in a week.’ She retorted, smiling devilishly.

‘Maybe we should get a permission on Olympus to age every kid to twelve as soon as they cross the barrier for the first time.’ Mr D suggested, looking rather serious.

‘You’re not doing that!’ She and Chiron rushed to suppress that absurd idea before the other gods heard it.

‘Oh, as if I didn’t suffer enough…’ Dionysus sighed. ‘How people do it without drinking?’

‘Preferably, everyone should do it without drinking.’ Percy frowned. ‘Give me the child, would you?’ She stepped in and stole away the toddler from his arms. He didn’t even fret from releasing them.

Percy rocked the toddler cheerfully, and they quickly forget why they were crying.

‘Just take them with you! Actually, why don’t you keep them?’ He suggested, as if it was the most brilliant thought someone could ever come out with.

‘I’m seventeen!’ She remembered to him.

‘Back on my days, you’d have a litter of your own already… Your mother will be there, won’t she?’ Oh, yeah, that… ‘A souvenir from Camp Half-Blood, isn’t it nice?’

Without even thinking twice, Percy come up with an answer. ‘It’s not her job to take care of other people’s kids.’

‘And is it mine?’ Dionysus pointed out to himself, and as Chiron and Percy opened their mouths to answer, with a finger raised, he added, ‘It’s a rhetoric question.’

‘So, here’s my rhetoric answer: tire them until they sleep and pray it last for a few hours. That was what mom did to me when I was this age.’

She put the toddler on the ground, and it ran to hug Mr D legs, who shrieked like he had just been electrocuted.

Percy grinned and left the Big House.

It’s almost night. She needs a bath. Camp got so crowded ever since the end of the war that the days felt longer with all the additional classes, they needed to encompass all different age ranges; not that the veterans would use it as an excuse to skip the underground parties. They were more frequent when Pollux was around. However, he had been pre-emptively sent to a spiritual retreat with the Maenads. A fancy way to say he’s temporary exiled from Camp, because apparently some gods (Athena) didn’t like the "bad influence" he had on their children (Annabeth). The Gods weren’t thinking straight if they thought teenagers would let his legacy go to waste.

The Stolls were getting a lot of money with the parties. With the brilliant mind of Leo Valdez, one of the campers that arrived last winter, they were literally keep the Underground alive. Percy suspected that Mr D knew but kept quiet about it because he didn’t want to spoil everyone’s fun—especially when this fun kept his domain so close to him.

Percy watched as some nymphs giggled as they whispered to each other. The nature spirits were having the time of their lives. Good for them. Still, she had other plans.

From the Aphrodite Cabin, Drew waved to her, moving her lips asking if she was coming. Percy mouthed a "No, visiting mom", to what the daughter of Aphrodite made a pout. "Next one, then?" Percy read on her lips, to what Percy laughed and shrugged.

[inncubus-honey]

fantasy c.o.d men au

a/n: a new fandom! maybe, just depends how much I write about mw2. also the nicknames are for a gn! reader, despite some being more feminine then others, but these are for a gn reader. I hope y'all like it for another fandom writing apart stray kids and now kinda redacted stuff. feedback is always appreciated. also I added references to some games with the weapon choices for the boys. hehehe.

also I hope it makes sense that the fantasy aspect is their weapons and little blurbs with you in the world; I could always expand on it in another post if y'all want to see it

c.o.d men x gn! reader

Word Count: 3.2k

price- longsword

obviously he uses a longsword. hes been on the royal guard since he was a young boy, like 13-16. his father had been part of the royal guard when he was a boy. he thought it was the coolest thing ever; protecting people and using such a great weapon really drove him to join after his fathers death in battle. but he then left the guard with gaz to help around the country as mercenaries.

you bandaged johns arm as he sat with you grumbling. an injury from training with his boys today; johnny got a little rambunctious with his duel daggers.

“fucking crazy kid…but hes slowly improving..” john grumbled as you wrapped his arm up.

“hes just excited about joining the mystical 141 mercenary group. give him some slack, Captain.” you teased back, finishing the wrapping. he scoffed at your comment and put his armor back on.

“well, hes a little too zealous at times…but i can tell he’ll be good for the team.” john stood from the med bed and re-equipped his sword to his sword. he smirked at your figure moving around and cleaning up the medical supplies.

he walked up behind you, giving a series of fluttering kisses to your neck as his arms wrapped around your waist.

“ive missed all day, love…” he whispered to you as you placed your hands atop his. he had been training with 141 while you had been seeing patients all day.

“me too, captain.” 

ghost- spymaster

the spymaster of the 141 mercenaries. john recruited ghost when he saw him stalking upon roofs around the town at night. when morning came, john found him at a pub in a dark corner as he watched everyone. when he sat down with him and got to talking, he learned that at that point he was a hitman for hire. he decided to put his skills to good use.

“simon, darling come to bed, please i miss my lover…” you looked over to his larger figure in the corner, arms crossed and staring at you from his hiding spot. a smirk graced his lips at your words when your eyes met.

“was wonderin’ when you’d notice me, sunshine…” uncrossing his arms with a small chuckle, simon made his way towards your shared bed.

“well, i was wondering when you would come by yourself, darling.” simon smirked at your comment, taking off his gear to settle in for the night. 

before you could do anything else, simon pulled you forward by the back of your legs, plopping down onto your chest. he let out a low groan as you gave a small chuckle, putting your hand in his short blonde locks.

“goodnight, darling..” a quick kiss to his forehead.

“night, sunshine..” he was out like a light.

soap- dual daggers

chaotic good of the party. will go in killing everyone crazy or be the sneakiest rogue ever and be in and out. he joined the 141 before simon; he sought out price and gaz as they were looking for recruits and went around the kingdom looking for them. he wanted to join them ever since hearing them and how they stopped the gas poisonings by general hadir, the brother of general farah who was an ally of the 141.

“dear…you are going to give me grey hairs.” soap dangled from the rope after stepping the trap as you ventured in the woods. he was fighting the rope with grunts and trying to cut with his dagger, but falling short as he would miss and fall back down.

“well whoever grunt...set the fucking trap knew what they grunt doing…” following the rope with your eyes, you found the anchor for it by a tree which led you to walk and cut it.

soap landed onto the ground with a grunt and cough as he got a bit winded by the action. with a roll of your eyes, you walked over to where soap laid and helped him up and dusted him off.

“thank you, buttercup. now lets go home, so we can spend some time alone…” he gave you a smirk as he wrapped an arm around your shoulders and yall started walking in the direction of yalls cottage. 

“mmhmm…did your ribs bruise again?” you raised an eyebrow at him as yall walked side by side.

“maybe…” he coughed out as his other arm went to support his ribs.

“absolutely, they hurt a lot…” he whined with a chuckle out of you as you shook your head and continued walking as soap whined the whole way.

gaz- rift mage

gaz met price as he was an apprentice of the royal court mage. price would eat with gaz whenever they could, price taking gaz under his wing when they left the kingdom; gazs family disowned him upon discovering he had magic. price taught him how to fight with a weapon in case he could not use his magic. over the time of their travels, gaz felt more comfortable about his natural abilities and not hiding them as much.

“come on, my little spitfire…” gaz gave a slight tug at your sleeve as you stood in the library, sorting the books with a big pout on his lips. the 141 had an off week, but you had to work some days of the week. gaz huff as you moved from shelf to shelf, following behind like a lost puppy.

“gaz, im almost done. just a few more minutes, darling..” chuckling as gaz groaned and threw his back. after finally finishing placing the last books away, you grabbed your things and found gaz asleep in a chair near the back of the shop. his head sloped down onto his chest with his arms crossed over his chest. 

holding in a chuckle, you walked over to him, gently shaking his shoulder to wake him up. 

“gaz, darling, im done lets go home…” you whispered to him, gaz slowly started to stir in the chair, stretching his arms out with a yawn and looked over at you.

“im ready and awake, spitfire, i swear-yawn” standing up with a pop in his back, gaz hooked his arm around your waist and led yall out of the bookstore back to your shared home for the rest of the afternoon. an occasional yawn escaping gazs mouth earning a small giggle from you.

alex- bardice

a bardiche is kind of pole-arm, which alex was a god at using. he picked up the pole-arm when couldnt do close combat anymore after losing his leg; he opted for long range combat afterward. he joined after price and gaz help him and general farah with hadir, he wanted to help people and bring justice like them. 

watching alex pull back the bardiche only to stab into the training dummy again and again was something you could watch all day. sitting on one of the many hay bales around the training center, you were doing your own thing by doodling alex in many poses with his pole-arm. he saw out of the corner of his eye with a smirk as you moved your pencil around the page.

“getting my good side, dearest?” he smirked to you, leaning against the pole-arm as he used a handkerchief from his pocket to wipe away the sweat from his forehead.

“every side is your good side, alex.” you smiled back, shutting the book and walking over to alex who was also shirtless at the moment. afterall it didnt hurt to use your boyfriend for anatomy practice; slyly you smiled at him while placing your hands on his sweaty chest. his muscles moved up and down with deep breaths as he took you in his tired and aching arms. 

“im glad my dearest thinks so. i dont just work out to keep good at fighting…its also for you, dear..” his breathy voice whispered in your ear, his mustache tickling your neck as he left light, fleeting kiss up and down. snorts and squeaks left you as you tried to push away alex who only brought you in closer to his larger frame.

“a-alex! stoop..that-haha- t-tickles!” the shrill laughs left you, alex only stopping to let out gravelly chuckles in your ear. but soon, he thankfully did stop the tickles and swayed you both back and forth a bit.** **aqua lovesick eyes bore into yours, ones that you could spend an entity in.

“i love you, dearest..” alex vowed to me.

“i love you most, alex.” i vowed back to seal it with a kiss.** **

keegan- scythe

the ghosts were also a traveling group of mercenaries, only being found at night in pubs when people were looking for them. keegan was known for his large scythe attached to his back and the skull face paint that decorates his face during missions. he joined the ghosts when after he was with another mercenary group called vipers.

“it smells good in here, firefly.” keegans arms wrapped around your waist as you chopped up some vegetables for a stew for dinner. you saw more bundles of wheat on the table as keegan rested his head in your neck.

“thank you, kee. i have bread in the oven from all the wheat you keep cutting.” i smirked at him as he placed his scythe against the wall near the front door. as you placed the vegetables in the pot and mixed everything together. 

“we should start selling wheat, kee. i can only make so much bread a week before i start hating the taste.” a chuckle left him as you stirred the pot and he took a seat at the table. he rested his head on his palm, calloused from years of use of the scythe, aqua eyes watched your figure as you moved about in the kitchen. 

“maybe we can sell the bread you make; people would come in hoards for your bread.” keegan smirked as you dished up the now ready stew and brought over two bowls to the table. he loved how domestic life was with you; one of the few constants in his life. the ghosts and you were always there for him, it took him awhile to get to use it after the vipers.

but, damn, he wouldnt trade this for anything in the world.

“firefly… i love you alot. i would do anything for you, i hope you know.” smiling, you reached out your hand and grabbed his hand, softly rubbing your thumb across the back of his hand.

“i know, dear. i would do the same for you, keegan; i love you more.” you told him back, a toothy grin spread across his lips as there was a light pink dusting across his cheeks, it made him look cuter.

“i know, firefly…now lets eat.” he pressed a quick kiss to your lips before yall dug into the delicious looking stew.

roach- necromancer

not being able to speak never bothered roach; his parents used sign language with him while others wrote notes if they did not know. roach always felt like no one could really understand him despite everything he could say or show. in his emotions, he always felt limited when it came to that. until joining the 141; they always seemed to read him better than others. price knew he was hungry for certain foods in taverns, but didnt know if they had it or not. ghost always knew when roach needed more ink or another book for his spells. gaz and soap would be there him when he was looking around booths in the village and people would try to scam him because he was mute.

roach was sitting at the tavern table, scribbling down notes he needs for spells and the ingredients needed for those spells. you were up at the counter ordering some mead and roasted stew that he always wanted. when the order was confirmed, you started making your way back to yalls table when you saw a group of patrons around roach; poking him and shoving as he sat there and tried to ignore them.

rushing over him and the group, pushing the men away from him and he guarded his book with his body.

“leave him alone! what gives you the right to bother him?” you shouted as you stood in front of the table. the group of patrons scowled as you pushed them away from your partner.

“he practices witchcraft! the worst kind of all; necromance. he needs to leave!” they shouted back at you as your hands rested on your hips, looking equally as mad at them.

“has he done anything to you? made any rude gestures? sent some ghost your way?” raising a brow at him, waiting to see what his answer would be. the man's mouth fell ajar, eyes rapidly blinking as he looked around for something to say.

“well..n-no, but its unnatural-!” you cut him off by raising a hand up to him as he tried to sputter out an answer.

“but nothing. he has every right to be in here as much as you do, so leave him alone before i make you.” you shoved your finger into his chest, making him stumble backwards as his eyes continued to widen as your words. his face paled, gave a huff and he walked off with his group behind him.

looking back at roach, you walked over to him and took his face in your hands looking over him for any possible scrapes or bumps from the patrons roughhousing him. as your eyes trailed over his soft face, roach placed his hands over yours. he gave a soft smile and slow nod as if to answer your question. 

‘im fine, precious. no injury, just took my quill.’ hitting his thumb with a closed fist against his chest then making his hand sideways as he spread his fingers apart then moving his fingers against one another. then moving in front of him, taking his fist from behind his ear and down to hand you understood what he meant.

‘are you sure?’ you signed back which made his smile wider as he brought you down next to him and pressed a kiss to your lips which made your concern melt from your face. you pressed one back to him as you placed your head on his shoulder and he got back to writing in his spell book.

alejandro- dadao

alejandro and rudy were allies and honorary members of the 141. they were a traveling duo looking to help where they could, like the 141; alejandro always felt like he was supposed to do more than just travel around with his childhood friend. not that he hated it, but he also felt lost whenever they got ready to travel to the next town. but when they landed in your town, it felt right to alejandro and he wanted to stay.

alejandro opened the back with a smile as he brought in the burlap sack clad flour and sugar you needed in the bakery. placing them near the other sacks in your low supplies as you stood behind the big butcher block table which you made pastries on.

“thank you, ale. i would have done it, but i needed to get these breads ready and in the oven.” you smiled up at him as he walked over and hugged you from behind, giving feathery kisses along your neck.

“its no problem, mi corazon, i love helping you and watching you do what you love most.” he smiled into your neck as you both swayed to the imagery music. sweet notes of vanilla, fruits, lavender, and many other notes wafted through the air which warm, fuzzy feelings in your chest as you leaned against alejandro.

“do you happen to have any extra cherry pie, mi corazon?” he whispered as he pressed a quick kiss to the shell of your ear. his warm hands gently slide up and down your sides.

cherry pie was alejandros favorite dessert, so whenever it was baked, he would always sneak a piece when you werent watching. meaning you would have to make more then buy more cherries and it was just a cycle of baking cherry pies.

“if you check the oven, love, you’ll find two cherry pies…one is yours.” an excited whoop left alejandros throat as he turned you around, pressing a passionate kiss against your lips. he ran over to the oven and pulled out the two pies with the peel, placing them on the counter.

“you’re amazing, mi corazon! you always spoil me too much with your pastries and sweets.” pulling you away from the dough on the butcher table, bringing you into his body again as a grin graced his lips. gentle hands rested upon your jaw as he brought you both closer once again; gentle lips danced against one another as you rested your hands on his chest.

“well, you deserves it, alejandro. you do a lot for me and the people here…its the least i could do for you…” you whispered against his lips when you pulled away for a moment. alejandros signature smirk returned, pushing loose baby hair away from your face so he could see it better.

“thank you, mi corazon…it means a lot to hear you say that.”

rudy- illusion mage

rudy and alejandro met as kids when other kids were picking on rudy for his magic. all the other kids thought he was a horrible mage for having illusion magic; most thought it would be used to trick and try to control people. but rudys magic only ever activated when he was in major distress as a kid, when he was older and enrolled into a magic school he learned to control it and use his magic whenever. when alejandro met his partner and decided to stay in that town, rudy didnt mind one bit as he liked the thought of a fresh start in a new town.

you sat at your desk, working on some paperwork for your boss at the bookshop. you had been there all day, sorting through the records of payments and what inventory was in the shop. rudy entered the house from nightly patrol duty, dropping off his coat and illusions dust at the front door.

“amor, what are you doing up so late?” rudy walked over to where you sat, giving you a soft kiss against your shoulder as he rested his head in the crook of your neck.

“i have to get these papers done for the bookshop, cielo…” rested a hand on his jaw, giving back a light peck on the lips. rudy chuckled as he pulled out your chair from the desk.

this caused you drop the papers and quill onto the table as your lover picked you up from the chair, bridal style.

“rudy! i have to get those done soon!” a squeal left your lips as he carried to your shared and dropped you upon yalls bed.

“soon. you said you can finish them soon, lets just cuddle for a bit, amor.” he plopped his body down onto yours as his arms went to wrap around your waist.

knowing rudy wasnt to let you from cuddling for at least a while, you gave huff in defeat which was followed by a chuckle. you begrudgingly wrapped your arms around back, slowly running your nails up and down as you pressed a kiss to his temple.

“you’re a pain in my ass, cielo. but i love you…” whispering to him as yall snuggled into the bedsheets further.

“i love you more…” rudy soon drifted into sleep as he laid on your chest. soon you followed him as well, your hands resting his hair with small smiles gracing your faces.

a/n: as i wrote this, I read the wikis of war zone operators and was thinking about doing a part 2 with some, let me know if y'all would like that and if you want to see certain characters in it

[immaturityofthomasastruc]

Not Miraculous Ladybug but since I heard you're a fan of Code Lyoko, I wanted to ask a few questions if that's cool. Who's your fav character and why? What's your favorite and least favorite thing about each main character? Fav side character? Favorite episode? Favorite XANA attack? Are we all in agreement that Clone William is best boi? Anything else you want to say about it that no one's asked before? Sorry this if this is a lot, lol.

Favorite Character: Aelita. She easily went through the most development over the course of the show, going from a walking plot device to a capable fighter in her own right.

Favorite Things About the Characters:

Ulrich: He easily has the coolest powers in Lyoko. Twin swords, super speed, duplication, and an awesome bike.

Odd: Similarly, I like how Odd's powers are handled. It's clear that compared to the others, his are the least practical (cat features, a limited supply of "laser arrows", and a shield), but he manages to hold his own through his quick thinking.

Yumi: I like the way she has to struggle the most balancing her personal life with her Lyoko duties. Unlike the others, she lives with her family, so she has to deal with family drama, and that's not getting into what happens once William gets involved.

Aelita: Again, it's the way she goes from a standard damsel in distress to becoming the de facto leader of the team when Jeremie isn't around.

Jeremie: It's really interesting to see Jeramie act as the leader of the team when he isn't much of a fighter, almost like a young Professor X. The other four may fight XANA directly, but Jeramie gets a lot more done. When XANA wiped out Lyoko, Jeramie managed to recreate the entire world, give the other four upgrades to their powers, and create a submarine for the team to use.

Least Favorite Things About the Characters

Ulrich/Yumi: Putting them together because this one is obvious. The "will they or won't they?" stuff. It just got old, and even after Season 3, which has Yumi try to say she just wants to be friends, the show still rode with this.

Odd: He's funny, but there are still times when he can be pretty annoying.

Aelita: There are admittedly times were it felt like the show kept coming up with ways to endanger her. It made sense in Season 1, but by Season 3, it felt a little excessive that XANA needed her to destroy Lyoko.

Jeremie: I always found it disappointing that we never got to see his Lyoko form.

Favorite Side Character: Jim

Favorite Episode: "Aelita"

Favorite XANA Attack: "Temporary Insanity"

[briar-rolfes-research-oubliette]

ON MONDAY, I (FINALLY) MADE IT ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE NEWEST ERAGON BOOK!

MURTAGH

“A Book I Read”

It took three very patient friends of mine to encourage me to finish reading this. I took notes the whole way through, and I am now sharing those in hope of finding loving community with my fellow haters.

Important context:

I loved Eragon, which came out when I was roughly eleven

Christopher Paolini was the first author to ever disappoint me

I used to love epic fantasy, until feminism, coming out, and learning about literary criticism made me just too mean to enjoy it

Since 2015, whenever I’ve had writer’s block, I’ve found inspiration by looking at this screenshot:

Christopher has managed to create a life where his mum has never stopped doing his laundry or his editing for him. He has never worked a job in his life. He has infinite time to work on his craft, and yet, with all of those advantages, he writes the way he does. I don’t hate him, but I do want to destroy him in single combat.

LET US BEGIN.

17 November 2023

I forgot how obsessed this man is with proving he knows rare words. Picking up my phone to google the word “trenchant”.

He really just didn’t want to say the dragon had a sharp sense of humour huh? Oh, no, it’s TRENCHANT. It wasn’t even for dialogue I identified as comedy but Murtagh thought it was TRENCHANT. He and Thorn have been alone in the wilderness for too long

NOT NASUADA BEING DESCRIBED AS HAVING ALMOND EYES

Of course the protagonist has grown a beard. He’s A Man Now.

I have a theory that this book is about coming to terms with marriage. Murtagh is like “our bond… our bond that lasts until death… the oldest magic… only the two of us understand each other. But, we’re also trapped with each other,” and I’m like hm. Fascinating. Say more

Instantly Murt befriends a child, to prove he is good really.

It’s so weird to read a book by a grown man with kids who is like “how did we all start out so innocent and pure…” like have you MET five year olds

This whole fork fight scene makes me feel second hand embarrassment deep in my soul. It’s SO This Guy Is The Best And Coolest

“Fencing with effortless ease” I do not care how well trained he is: you cannot kill four men with long swords by stabbing them with a little fork in “four hard impacts.” It’s just not happening.

I’m really dwelling on the idea of magic as “imposing your will” on something. It’s very.., something. Murtagh cleans his shirt by “imposing his will on the garment” like. Okay, I suppose in a way that is how all laundry is done, but it’s. Hm.

How come he’ll clean a shirt with magic but not shave with magic? Why are these books SO obsessed with beards and shaving and how to do shave and using magic for shaving etc etc, Eragon was also majorly preoccupied with this

Paolini’s got so many complexes on the page. All the “we’re half brothers and your dad killed my dad” stuff is A LOT

The naming stuff… SMH what would Ursula Le Guin say about all this

I’m obsessed with how even as (gasp) an OUTCAST!! Murtagh can’t not be the coolest guy ever for any time at all. It’s like a disease

Giving the child the enchanted killing fork was the worst decision ever made. Murtagh gives her a murder weapon and is then moping like “what’s it like… to live without killing…” literally pages later.

I’m really startled that Murt is delighted to see a tiny flying magical grass boat come down from the sky and circle him instead of being like “wtf, I’m being Watched,” which would be the true act of a man we are told is paranoid

I just got to the bit where Murtagh offhandedly says that magic users who “are the heaviest” always have the most spell reserves.

Like……… what???? Magic eats your fat?? It burns glucose??

You could be a better mage if you just, ate a bunch of raspberry frogs before each fight??????

It’s food powered??? You really want to go there, Paolini????? Wizards in the candy shop, eating sweeties like Mistborns?

GOD, if only Galbatorix had chugged a bottle of red cordial before his last big fight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I return after losing my mind about this to my partner for forty minutes)

If it was “if you’re hungry you can’t FOCUS” I’d get it. But I always assumed it was like, you know how other fantasy does it? Some kind of pool of ADDITIONAL energy that you are accessing and that can be used up (until you go too far and start using life force or whatever). Like, it’s CHANNELLING it that makes you tired, not that it’s literal food energy.

Murtagh is always running or doing his sword forms or whatever and now I’m like “DUDE, NO!!!?!? DON’T BURN YOUR WIZARD CALORIES!!?!?”

I like when magic can’t do EVERYTHING, when it’s consistent or limited in some way, but I do hate the idea that it’s this predictable. Food energy becomes raw magical power. I GUESS.

(A little later)

Screaming at the suggestion Thorn can tell when Murtagh is horny.

I don’t like the euphemisms. It makes it worse

The fact he can’t talk to his dragon whenever they’re “too far apart” (distance never specified) is making me insane. Why did I pick up the dragon riding book if it’s mostly about leaving your dragon locked up at the bike rack

I know Thorn is basically a rescue dog with anxiety, but it bothers me how much he’s left on his own. The narrative just has no idea what to use him for other than speedy transport for the first um… 200 pages, it seems? He’s meant to be his own creature with his own intelligence. He doesn’t go anywhere without Murtagh though. So what is he doing all the time

I think Paolini WANTS his world to be big and mysterious (his introduction literally just keeps saying things in the world of the story are mysterious) but he HAS to keep explaining everything

24 November 2023

I’ve figured out something that annoys me about the world of this book, in terms of just how the worldbuilding is not actually that magical. It has the D&D problem!!! Which is to say that every regular person on earth is Level One and every important character is like, level 12. And part of what makes that even worse is that all women in this world are level zero.

I’ve been watching my friend Chris play the first Alan Wake game and we realised that all the faceless enemies that are possessed by Evil in the game are… working class men. The protagonist is this literate wealthy New York writer who is constantly killing faceless workers—farmers, loggers, coal miners, builders. And that’s not an INTENTIONAL commentary by the game, but it’s very revealing. And This book is the same in that: there is no such thing as a complicated poor person. They’re all either Dirty Evil or Dirty Good. Murtagh is going around, writing poetry in his head and inventing magical computer code, and then every child is an urchin who is like Oi Guvnah, and every dad is gruff, and every woman is worried.

The language used to describe everyone who isn’t a Fighting Man is so demeaning. And even then, we only need to respect the leaders of those men. The leaders are the only ones with depth who might need to be taken seriously.

It’s like Murtagh has a tally in his head where he is going “finally, a guy who is level 6”!

Most people in this world exist to deliver information to the protagonist.

Paolini either thinks his readers are too dumb to understand that his characters exist between scenes, or he doesn’t understand himself that we don’t need to see every time Murtagh enters a city under a new name and how he does it. Or know what he ate for dinner and how he prepared it and where he slept and what he dreamed and, and, and—

It’s weird because Paolini is being self indulgent as fuck but it is NOT fun to read. This dude really just needs to go write a survival story or something… A guy in the woods depending on nothing but his wits and his axe and his beard and his libertarian values

I don’t understand the stakes at play. All the magic scenes with Mind Penetration are so sudden and hard to actually understand as action. And the way it works is about brute force, so the dragon is not going to be at risk of being taken over except by another, even bigger dragon

It would be fun to read the Murtagh city sleuth segments if Thorn was backseat driving a little. I think that their bond should not get thinner over distance. The fact that it does just defeats the point of a magical bond.

Why does the dragon have to stay so far away? Like… it’s established that there’s a spell to conceal a dragon from sight. Dude. You could just go fucking invisible

There’s so many decisions that just are so bonkers to have made. The whole fetch quest for information pissed me off so bad. “You have to join the guard” (40 pages of emotions about uniforms ensue). This guy learned about plots from video games

Paolini had kids apparently, but you can tell he doesn’t really understand kids. “How do they all start out so innocent and pure,” says a man who has never heard a seven year old describe someone being killed by farts before.

The description of Murtagh carrying a cat that doesn’t want to be carried is very funny. I don’t know if Paolini has ever carried a cat before. If you’re carrying a cat that doesn’t want to be carried close to your chest, and you tighten your grip when it squirms… say goodbye to your nipples, my man

It’s strange how much Paolini doesn’t explore the things that seem to be the point. FOR EXAMPLE, the fantasy soul bond trope loves to say “even during sex!??! 👀” because it’s about INTIMACY, and some alien presence always being there. The dragon rider trope is popular because dragons are powerful and wise but also Beasts. Magic is fun to read about because it can do things that can’t be explained.

Paolini’s world is big, but nothing in it has any real substance. Nothing in it has any real consequence, and it makes it impossible to really invest in anything that happens. None of these poor city folks have a life once they leave the scene of delivering Murtagh information… or if they are a woman, delivering him a hot meal. There’s no sense of a world that exists outside Murtagh’s point of view!

25 November 2023

The towns so far don’t feel at all distinctive to me! I was interested in the one with the massive lake, but then it having this massive fish in it was the only point of interest. It would be fun to have been like “oh the fish has ruined our summer festival! It’s ruined the nobility pleasure cruises! It’s also eating fishermen!” Or “Why do all these fishing boats have huge spikes on the prow? Well,”

Again, these guys are all level one in peasant dirt town. They have no capacity for individual thought and no ability to adapt.

It’s like Paolini doesn’t know what makes people and places in fantasy feel distinct, or have culture. It’s so evident in how much he HASN’T thought about. For example, the bonkers amount of restrictive gender norms that he doesn’t seem AT ALL CONSCIOUS OF? Everyone who died in the war was A Man. No women died in the war. But that hasn’t resulted in any social changes. There aren’t more women doing work, for example, like being fishermen

I remember being thirteen or so and reading the bit in the second book where Arya explains to Eragon that she’s better and stronger than a human woman, because she is an elf, so Eragon doesn’t have to worry about her in battle. I was this kid there like “man, that sucks. I assume he’s coming back to that assumption later,” and… he never did. He still hasn’t. And that sucks

The dragon riders were not THAT long ago, in the world of these books. It makes me wonder—were none of them human women? I always assumed that some were human women, but… did dragons only choose elf men, elf women, and human men? If they chose human women, then even being accepted into a paramilitary dragon force didn’t change gender expectations in the rest of the world. What the fuck. He’s really never thought about this.

Women keep showing up as cunning-mysterious, as humble dirtmothers, or as innocent children. Oh my god I’m just describing maiden mother crone. That’s all he’s capable of.

I just got up to where he rescues the werecat baby (innocent girl child) and settles in to hear the stories of elder werecat (cunning-mysterious)

I noticed the Arya Problem with how Nasuada is described in this book, too. Every woman has to be the best, most capable, most powerful woman ever, to be worth the attention of The Boys. Otherwise they can’t respect her. Only two literal queens can be considered worthy of just two average guys who got pet lizards. Even then, they’re not actual equals.

“She still empathised for me.” Yes, don’t worry, Murtagh, I remember that’s what women are for.

I should note that the reason Nasuada is considered so powerful and so much worthy of his love and is her strength as a person. This is proven in the Eragon books because “she still empathised” with Murtagh whilst he was medieval torturing her. He was medieval torturing her for like… most of a book and that’s how they fell in love. Because she could see in his eyes that this guy torturing her… was Complicated. He didn’t really WANT to be medieval torturing her so she actually felt worse for him than he felt about how he was (and I can’t stress this enough) medieval torturing her

I just can’t imagine that THE QUEEN OF A WHOLE CONTINENT would still prefer the guy who sadly tortured her. He’s her top preference. Out of EVERY OTHER MAN IN THE WORLD

I put the book down until the day before I was meant to have finished the book for book club:

10 March 2024: from page 274 onwards

The evil witch is called BACHEL?????!!?!??!? Fucking BACHEL. Pronounced “buh-SHELL”, the guide at the back says. You changed one letter in Rachel, don’t lie to me Paolini

I got so mad being reminded the evil king Galbatorix was defeated by “Eragon forcing empathy upon him” so that he magically exploded himself out of guilt that I had to put the book down and complain to Charlie for five straight minutes

I guess that’s why Galbatorix made Murtagh torture Nasuada for him. He knew that if he’d done it himself she would have empathised with him too hard and he would’ve exploded himself

Murtagh has never met a single person he has respected. Murtagh is the specialest boy in all the land. Eragon had to leave the country because they were both too special to share a continent

Murtagh decided on where to go and he was immediately surrounded by armed guards who took him to where the plot was

Paolini uses the fucking word “admixed” while discussing EATING A PIE. The flavours admixed in his mouth. Just because you know a word… doesn’t mean it’s a word to deploy about eating a pie

I HATE how the only people strong enough to do the strongest magic are Elves Or Human Riders. It’s fucking magic my guy! Why is it checking your goddamn DNA! Also, hey! Wasn’t it supposed to come down to the strongest wizards being the guys who ate the most for lunch?

In a world of Magic how come every wizard battle ultimately comes down to who is a better Professor X?? I came here for fireballs, not Mind Battles. I don’t care about your Mental Wards

Hahaha Murtagh!!! Get trapdoored, bitch!!!!

Dragon panic attacks: conceptually cool but a bit ?? Like ah… the plot literally comes to scoop him up and carry him away. Yet again something outside of Murtagh makes a decision for him about what to do next

Murtagh’s poetry is going to make me explode myself like Galbatorix in book 4

If there’s something I like about this book so far it’s just the bits where he and Thorn are camping. Not flying, because then Murtagh is using the time to think and that’s horrible. The bits where they make campfires or whatever feel like something is actually happening. A guy and his dragon hanging out

Man. The way this novel is plotted really reminds me that it’s not actually that hard to write a book.

Murtagh goes to the evil village (oh yeah there’s an evil village. It is where Bachel lives. She is evil because she does magic without using the magic language). The village is called:

NAL GORGOTH

But I couldn’t remember this so I kept referring to it in my head by another, more familiar, name

Murtagh is so freaked out by finding a village with architecture that he doesn’t recognise. He’s like “My god!!! Nasuada has to be warned!!!” Ok but about what??? New ways of building pillars???? The art deco movement threatens the land??

Kinda fascinated by how much this village represents a threat to CULTURE. The architecture, the people… Everything about it so far is designed to be A Foreign Threat. The inhabitants are Of All Races (except elves they are too cool too pure etc). The humans have A VARIETY OF SKIN COLOURS, which memorably never happens in Alagaesia, a continent once explicitly described in the Eragon books as only having two (2) black people on it at all (then one died) (the other is Nasuada) (the one who died was her dad)

This guy with a goatee isn’t quite human. He is maybe part urgal and he is so uncomfortable to look at! Mainly he has arms that are a bit too long!! Bachel isn’t a human and also isn’t an elf, and that’s also deeply unsettling.

Bachel also fundamentally represents a threat to THE STRUCTURING POWER OF LANGUAGE, huh??

Bachel is so far the most interesting character in the book!

Bachel has: ALMOND EYES and AMBER SKIN

Murtagh is so upset and confused when Bachel calls him “my son” like… I’m cryign. “But she’s not my mother! I know my mother!!” he thinks, in a panic.

If this was a fantasy novel written twenty to thirty years ago, then the sexual tension between Murtagh and Bachel would be absolutely insane. Alas, this is a world of abstinence, and sexuality is only ever meaningful looks between a queen and the guy who tortured her (it is weird how he keeps caressing Nasuada’s face on the gold coins)

It’s very funny that Bachel has specifically fourteen warriors. The prose keeps telling us that there’s fourteen of them. So you get Murtagh stepping forwards and then sentences like “the fourteen warriors attending Bachel shifted”

She seems like a perfectly normal cult leader to me? Why is she automatically a threat to Nasuada! How come the two of them can’t arrange a toxic political marriage that becomes… something more 😉😉😉

Nothing annoys me more in this book than Murtagh being able to identify specific vintages of wine. It keeps happening and it pisses me off

Bachel is a half elf!!! “It had never occurred to him that such a thing might be possible.” This is truly and absolutely unbelievable to me. Nobody in this world ever has sex

How did it take so long to get to such an objectively cool village!!! Like this is just a cool place!!! Sorry that Nar Nar Goon is evil but like FINALLY something has style

Three thoughts at once:

I’m so bored that Paolini’s mind can’t get more interesting than temple virgins, let alone wearing white to represent ritualistic purity. Like… nobody in this world fucks anyway, why does it matter!

Murtagh should also wear white all the time

Lesbianism doesn’t count as a violation of being temple chosen. Alín is wearing lesbianism

Paolini has never once written a woman who is Normal. He just can’t conceive of it. You can feel how he starts sweating.

Murtagh finally realised it was a cult. What sets it apart as a cult is that the followers appear to be “half-wits” to him

I’m going to detransition to break his fucking neck

Paolini has learned nothing since he had a woman deliver the exact same line in like 2008. The fact that another editor just thumbsed this up. The fact that this is in a book published in 2023. Well, now I’m REALLY embarking on an antagonistic reading: that’s right, I am reading women as capable.

Obsessed with Bachel. She is a girlboss and I’m a feminist xxx

Book is constantly weird about how much she is capable of eating and drinking at her feasts and how it makes her appear swollen and bloated etc etc. Murtagh is so weirded out by this because he feels it is unfeminine… as though she is not a witch and we weren’t told earlier that how much magic you have is directly equal to how much you eat. (Meanwhile he is only picking at his food and eating just enough of it ‘to be polite’ as though this is not making a decision to have less magic than her)

She has so much charisma compared to anyone else in the book. If my choices are her or Murtagh then sign me up boys!!!

Okay but much like how this would’ve been a VERY charged relationship 30 years ago, I’m weirdly disappointed Bachel she isn’t not described as megahot? Like the book keeps telling me about this virginal templemaiden or whatever, because Murtagh is only attracted to women he can rescue. But I’m actually just like… I think this woman is hot. Tell me more about her. It’s wild that this book is written by a guy like Paolini, who told me all about Oromis’ pubic hair in 2008, and who barely thinks women are people. Yet he doesn’t want to discuss her tiddies?

This book could, and should! have started when Murtagh landed his dragon in the evil village of Nar Nar Goon. That’s the point that stuff got actually interesting. Everything before this was literally video game fetch quest logic plotting that earned him the right to fly to Nar Nar Goon.

Boar hunt. More like BORED hunt. And then suddenly there are so many pigs, a comical number of them flying everywhere

This motherfucker using the phrase “the boar was lying athwart him” in a sentence in an action scene????

Murtagh is nearly dead and the boar is lying athwart him?

I’m going back in time and bullying the author at school

RIP Murtagh, trambled to death by 30-50 wild hogs

Oh god every time someone knocks Murtagh out he has a vision or a bad dream or a flashback or whatever and it’s so tiring

“EXISTENCE WAS A TOMB WHEREIN THE SINS OF THE PAST LAID INTERRED???” Do you ever read a sentence that sounds so much like the author is jerking it? “All had been lost, and there before him lay the instrument of their destruction” he is furiously jerking it oh my god. “Destroyer of hope, eater of light” oh, god, he’s still going

…This book is. Weird about mothers

Murtagh flies into a rage because Bachel mercy killed a guy who was dying bc of boar trampling because “I COULD HAVE HEALED HIM!!!!!” And the mercy killing is proof it is a cult. Because doing it Bachel’s way meant the guy was too relaxed and at peace when he died

Paolini’s family were in a cult, as I understand. So it’s kind of weird how much he doesn’t really understand how being in a cult works

I don’t really remember how religion works in this world, but I do remember tuning out of a long boring passage in book 2 or 3 where Eragon learned about all the gods and decided he was an atheist. It’s especially weird to be like “holy shit, an EVIL religion??!” In a book where religion has absolutely never come up before now

Oh my god, Alìn was whipped for being ‘too familiar’ with Murtagh!!! That’s because she’s so pure and a helpless victim girl in all white :’((

In my mind Bachel and Alìn COULD be in a fucked up lesbian relationship with bad BDSM etiquette. Of course Paolini can’t imagine a world where women have enough personality or agency to fall in toxic love with each other. Also even though he has people tied up and strapped down and whipped and being tortured etc in every book don’t think he knows that BDSM like. Exists. Boooooo

Murtagh: killing one guy who is dying of a punctured lung is the ultimate evil!

Also Murtagh: I know an invisibility spell, but to sneak out of my room I am going to suffocate seven men to death

Genuinely upsetting to read those men dying. He made it impossible for air to enter or exit their lungs with a word. Veins popping clawing at faces etc. God, what a way to go. So unnecessarily cruel. Yep, there goes the good guy

The main way the village is evil is that there are unsettling carvings everywhere. Paolini read some Lovecraft, but he did not understand what was up with it. Or maybe he did, because this book did get a lot more weird about Racial Purity once Murtagh arrived in Lovecraft Village

11 March 2024

There’s a bloodstain that “filled Murtagh with the apprehension of evil” and it confused me because these books are so gory. Earlier he killed four men with a fork. But like oh yeah I guess it’s because when Murtagh murders people now it’s bloodless. I guess. His murders are good you see

This chapter is called The Bad Sleep-Well you can tell Paolini thought he was a real genius for this one

Okay but why are there bats… roosting… in a cave… at night. And why is Murtagh worried that red light will risk waking them? Animals cannot see red light?? SOME FARM BOY YOU ARE, PAOLINI

Okay I have to stop nitpicking. I have to restrain myself until my Vyvanse kicks in

“Murtagh felt a sense of not just age but antiquity. Whoever had built the stairs had done so long before Alagaesia had been a settled place. What was it Bachel had said? That the cultists had lived in Nal Gorgoth since before elves were elves... He was starting to think she had told the truth.”

Sorry uhhhh, Alagaesia was settled?? When they talk about The Grey Ones, are they talking about a race PRIOR TO COLONISATION?????????

“He continued forward. Deeper into the womb of the earth. Deeper into the black unknown, seeking, seeking, always seeking a farther shore, every sense razor-sharp and razor-scraped, skin all goosefleshed, cold sweat dripping down the back of his neck and gathering around his belted waist.”

God it’s so overwrought...

He found the well!!

Oh my god. The well is a natural magic hotspot and that means it “wasn’t the sort of thing that the Draumar ought to have dominion over.” It’s a natural resource???

“Not that he would want Du Vrangr Gata to assume control over such an important location either. This was exactly what the Riders had been created for: to oversee and mediate that which could destabilize the land.”

Murtagh is going to bring democracy to the Middle East

He’s too scared to mentally contact his dragon with Bachel around. If he was a proper horse girl he would find a way

Oh Galbatorix BECAME evil because he met Bachel and she manipulated him. Haha oh dear. No, you can’t just come to the conclusion the dragon rider paramilitary force who controls the resources are bad on your own. Not just because they sent you into the mountains when they knew it was dangerous and wanted to find out if you’d be killed up there! No, a manipulation had to have happened

It’s funny to me that the evil ancient witch queen who lives in seclusion in the mountains uses the new name for the city of Uru’baen. Oh no, she knows it as Ilirea. She’s hundreds and hundreds of years old. You know what that is? Evidence of Find And Replace, to me.

Bachel’s eyes are “glowing with fevered ecstasy.” I could make her feel that way. Also. Because, I know about sex

Always with the fucking passing out at the end of the chapter for Christopher James Paolini

NOW Bachel is being described appropriately as a hottie. FINALLY. GOD! It only took Murtagh being mind controlled in his brain but I. I!!! I could see the glorious light of truth!!

“He followed, dumb and wildered.” Well, not as much as that sentence. (You can be bewildered. But can you ever just be wildered????)

The dedication to making Murtagh the most pitiful little meow meow in existence in the Galbatorix flashbacks I’m… what happened to the joys of a guy who is evil because he was convinced or was tricked, not because he was fully brain abused???

The Urgals are racially… uncomfortable. Yellow eyes and Murtagh just straight up saying “how do you speak English”

The evil guys have masks and they put them on and like channel the animals the masks are of and on one hand it’s an idea I THINK is cool but also combined with the everything it really has this “tribal stuff is threatening” vibe all over it

“What do you want, witch?”

“I want you.”

Obsessed with how he’s shackled to a table and there’s still an incredible lack of sexual energy to this scene. This is like a day at the office for both of them.

… oh, but she is wearing claws and claws DOES equal a threat of penetration. Maybe a little sexual? As a treat??

Him being tortured reminds him of torturing Nasuada. Wow, it was their first date!

It’s just like. It’s fucked up imo. She should never kiss you Murtagh!!!

Is anything more boring than a torture scene.

Also, was he not drugged right before this scene? How is he able to mentally evade her and power his wards etc?

I’m mad that when he’s brought fancy foods by Alìn he doesn’t share his food with Ubek the Urgal

Oh my god Ubek tells him a story where the moral is just him outright saying at the end, “it’s important to stay close to the people we care for, even if we don’t always fit in so easily” lmao. Subtlety of a mallet

Is anything more boring than a torture scene? How about a torture chapter!!!1!1!1!

This chapter is interminable. Oh my god.

Oh, so we did all that and he gives in I guess. I can’t believe how little agency this man has had throughout this book????

Haha oh my god, Bachel is studying his nude and compliant body in front of her court. Telling him to turn around so she can inspect his back (no mention of his ass even though it is out, tragic). Fucking love it. Now that’s bdsm. Pledging my allegiance to her instantly.

I am BORED. I liked when he was at least doing things of his own volition!

He flies his dragon off on Bachel’s orders and we get the line “Never had air smelled so… so… delicious.” Cryign

GASP he’s killed… CHILDREN!!!!!!! I hate how it only becomes horrifying for him to have done these murders once he realises they’re HUMAN children. Urgal children? The implication is that would’ve been a bit tacky but ultimately fine

Prison brothers blood pact. I feel so little about this. Ubek is 5000x more interesting than Murtagh but he’s been slotted into what is unfortunately a sort of magical indigenous person trope but where instead of being a human being, he is an orc. Which makes the whole trope much worse

Murtagh touched Alìn’s face… gasp! She’s been corrupted by the Touch Of A Man!!!!! (I do not care about this.)

(I care a little. For example she didn’t touch HIM. He just reached out and she didn’t pull away. This is the biggest decision about this character’s life, and she isn’t even allowed to be the one who makes it. He decides on her behalf, and she must be okay with it. Because she doesn’t pull away or fight him off.)

(Also Paolini doesn’t seem to be aware that ‘a woman who has been pledged not to be touched by a man’ would um. USUALLY be understood by a reader as euphemistic. Not that her purity could be forever ruined by a man literally just touching her face)

The way Paolini fills Murtagh’s brainwashed dialogue with oops all ellipses makes me want to tear the book apart with my teeth

Worst: how Grieve the guy who is part urgal is perpetually referred to as “heavy-browed.” “the heavy-browed Grieve” I’m sorry but I missed phrenology school, is that bad??

Also if he’s maybe part Urgal but Murtagh is now given a chance to making it clear that some of his best friends are urgals... Why is Grieve so distastefully described? What’s wrong with being half urgal? My suspicion: it’s the bloodlines intermingling

I suspect I can just skip every fucking dream sequence and flashback. Nothing of any value in these

This one guy, Lyreth, who trapdoored Murtagh for 2.5 seconds ages ago in the book, is TWICE referenced as holding/ touching the waists of “village” or “cultist” women in his dialogue tags. That’s the full extent of it. It’s not that there’s a giggling tavern girl sprawled in his lap while he’s speaking. These faceless women are exclusively sketched into existence by how a named male character’s hand is on their waist. We don’t know anything about how they are responding to his touch, which is extra in-your-face considering that Murtagh just obliterated a woman’s ritual purity by touching her face without asking. And it’s only ever these women’s waist. It’s not their hips or thighs or boobs. He’s not kissing their necks. I’m sure in Paolini’s mind this guy touching women’s waists is meant to read as sexual, which is supposed to reinforce that he’s a scumbag… but it doesn’t work because it’s so impersonal. These women are just… unmoving waists that he is just touching. It serves as a good illustration of how women—and sex and sexuality and bodies—are handled in these books. Men are never ruled by their strong and muscular bodies. Men have minds, and magic, and telepathy battles. Even when Murtagh is on a torture table or when he’s naked in front of a powerful woman who is actively inspecting his body, he doesn’t feel vulnerable. He doesn’t have an ass or a dick. The wind doesn’t make him shiver. He’s just a Mind. But women, well. They only have bodies when men touch them. The course of Alin’s life is defined by Murtagh’s touch, and even Nasuada, a fucking queen, only gets physical description via the coins Murtagh has in his possession and his memory of the cuts and bruises he left on her body. And women also have no minds—unless they’re werecats or elves or half elves, the only kind of woman who are remotely threatening, the only kind of women who are “as good as” the baseline of human men. Nasuada is proven as Murtagh’s equal because she was able to overcome the torture of her body. If he hadn’t tortured her, or if she had broken down, she wouldn’t have proven herself worthy of being his romantic partner.

Eragon’s romantic interest also started out being tortured. Not by him, but “girl who is tortured but is too strong to give up her secrets” was her entire characterisation for a book and a half, until he rescued her. That’s uh. That’s how you find girlfriends who are good enough for your protagonists.

THESE FUCKING BOOKS.

Bachel has put Thorn in a special wrought iron muzzle. Yet again, this is just objectively cool

We learn about who the cult worships: evil dragon underground. He makes fumes come out of the earth and they brainwash people and give them visions. He will come out of the ground and eat the sun unless every living thing worships him.

Really Bachel is not leading a cult she is leading an environmental rescue mission. Quick we gotta get everyone to worship this evil dragon STAT, or he’s going to wipe out all life on earth.

Why does an evil dragon living under the earth with the power to eat the sun (?!??!) actually want or need to be worshipped by “every living thing”. What is his motivation?? And why would that stop him eating the sun?

“The sculptures would have horrified most any artist in Alagaesia, no matter their race.” Mark this down as one of the worst sentences he has written yet!!

I realise now I’ve been misremembering multiple main characters’ names

I like Bachel telling Thorn to stay, like he’s a dog. That’s good to me

Murtagh is learning about the power of friendship to heal himself last minute, I guess

Why is Murtagh pausing to duel fucking Lyreth, the most boring man in the world. Is it because of the waists he touched??? I have never felt this man was worth any time at all

NOT Paolini specifically pointing out that Lyreth “smelled of a cloying peach scented perfume” and that he’s physically weaker than Murtagh as Murtagh overcomes him. Lyreth was too feminine to be strong, in the end

This book is obsessed with the word “youngling.” Murtagh says to Thorn “don’t kill any younglings.” He’s fighting Lyreth but he’s not worried because he himself is “no longer a youngling”. Fucking fuck off! just say youth. Child. Kid. Teenager even!! Come on!!

Murtagh going “this is taking too long” in the duel: me at the whole book thus far

“Is wrong-think to worship Bachel or Azlagur,” says Ubek. This is real dialogue in a book published in real 2023. Oh yeah btw everything he says is written like this

Oh, the urgal’s size and brute strength makes him Murtagh’s equal. I see

Grieve is legitimately yelling “kill the non-believers!!” and calling them desecrators??? Cartoon hours

To start winning the fight, all Murtagh had to do was find his magic sword! It stores all his potency and he inherited it from his father. Freud?? Don’t worry about it

The cultists are bleeding green blood???? Does this mean they’re not human or is it the lighting or what.

Groups of dragons are always being described as a Thunder Of. They’re only ever being described in visions but it’s always being described as “a thunder of dragons”, because Paolini is very proud of inventing his very own collective noun for dragons I guess

Buncha little pasty freaks showing up.

Murtagh’s ultimate challenge: he has to fight one hundred gollums

Paolini inventing new guys for his dungeon at unprecedented rates

Murtagh is legitimately busy trying to think of new names for his sword NOW?? He is just going to stop in the middle of this urgent fight to go find where the bad woman (Bachel) took the good woman (Alìn) to go “my sword has a bad name. It could have a good name.” Did he not have time while he was mouldering in the dungeon to think about this

He’s checking his compendium, like in video games.

Books have never been worse. If Murtagh/Paolini calls this sword Scar I will legitimately never know peace

Oh the sword is called Freedom now. Get it? Like America? It’s the most important value??

“Seeing the armor, Murtagh realized that the leather garb the cultists had donned for the festival of black smoke had been made to resemble Bachel's fantastic suit.”

what a sentence

This is the worst

I hate how her spear has a name and a dramatic history. Like come on

Fucking mind battles again

Alin is just… I’m sorry to her, but she’s not a real person. She’s a cardboard cutout in distress

The final boss fight should not be taking place in the magical world of the mind

Now she’s calling him “infidel?” Okay

The ultimate battle: the structuring power of masculine language versus the primeval chaos of raw women’s emotion!!! Who will win!! Hint: Christopher Paolini wrote this!

“She seemed merely a woman again.”

‘Merely’ is how Paolini always describes women (when he thinks they’re worth describing of course)

Wait… is the only reason Bachel has been intimidating REALLY just because she’s been channelling a tough evil boy dragon? Once the mask is gone and he’s not empowering her… she’s merely…

I’m going to kick Christopher Paolini’s fucking ass

Murtagh feels so emotionally close to Bachel. As he splits her skull. Normal book

For real why were ALL the Riders so afraid of Bachel??? The gas fumes? Face masks not invented?? This seems pretty easy to solve like if they’d just. Sent more than one guy?

He passes out and the chapter ends of course. Then he wakes up in the city

Ah, Alin is blonde and blue eyed. She was a pale skinned virgin who needed rescuing from an evil and also foreign almond eyed amber skinned woman who was whipping her. You know how it goes

I hate how Alìn always calls Murtagh “my lord.” She’s like one of those medieval fighting game banners of a sexy woman. She’s a cartoon.

Isn’t it a shame that when Murtagh hastily gets out of bed to bow to Nasuada he is wearing pants. So much funnier if he wasn’t

I’m so over this book holy shit

Oh, for being the apparently only sole survivor of Murtagh’s obliteration of her cult and everything she’s ever known, Alìn is being promoted to… Nasuada’s maid. That’s not what she asked for. That’s just what she’s being told she’s going to do from now on. Fucking hell.

Nasuada is Jealous of this blonde woman and I was afraid for her because Nasuada is also famously the only black woman on the continent. But of course she has nothing to fear because only the most powerful woman in the land could ever be remotely Murtagh’s equal, which she proved by being stronger at being tortured than him

She asks him to stay and she touches his hand just lightly

The END??

They don’t even kiss?!!!?!! I had to read it twice to be sure. SEXLESS BOOK.

[thementallyunwellapollochild]

Child of Apollo Roleplayer

HELLO this is just a silly little introduction to my oc Luna Dark

Name: Luna Dark [quite convenient for a child of apollo]

Age: 14

Physical appearance: Midnight blue eyes, short and fluffy chocolate brown hair, lots of freckles, terribly pale despite being a literal child of the sun, has a sun birthmark on the back of her neck

Sexuality: Aroace

Gender identity: Gender-fluid

Pronouns: Any, mainly uses she/her tho

Height: 4'11

Fun facts: Has two dads and a step mom, became friends w/ nico when he first came to camp, a demon child, likes to steal clothes, came to camp at six and was claimed at eight, was birthed by apollo

Year rounder?: Yes, she didn't want to school

Friend I rp with: @that-random-poseidon-child

Dyslexia and ADHD?: Dyslexia is a yes, but she is v much autistic instead of ADHD

Fav sibling: Nico, if choosing an actual sibling, Will

Hobbies: Figure skating, hitting Leo on the head with chairs and tables, crocheting

Skills: Archery, hand to hand combat, fighting with daggers, stealing

Wepons of choice: Bow n arrow, dagger, chairs and tables, a baddass sword (ty for the sword @just--a--random--human--being)

Song that she relates to: Girls by Marina

______________________________________

Wardrobe Wepons Appearance claims My pet<3

______________________________________

Mutuals <333

@that-random-poseidon-child

@just--a--random--human--being

@thatonebitheaterkid

@pillowfluf

@0asta0

@scarletbeast

@godlyupsguy

@wanna-be-half-blood

@apollos-favorite-child

@the-god-of-sun

@the-russian-dionysus-son

@hunner806

@hugs4neth-backup

@lesterthesunboy

@apollos-coolest-child

@glee-of-ares-wrath-of-aphrodite

@osmosisricky

@demeters-strange-child

@gay-womanz

@w3ndytheraccoon

@drxgonspine

(If I missed you let me know and I'll add you !!)

___________________________

This account is run by @spacegirlisawalunareclipes

I also have a dc rp acct

@galatic-is-mentally-unwell

___________________________

Badge made by @totallypumpkin

The banner thing is made by @moss-the-clown-guy

The other things don't really remember where I I got them

___________________________

GUYS I FINALLY MADE A TAG AHAHAH

My tag is #SHUSH MORTALS LUNA IS SPEAKING (but not in caps)

:]

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Luna lore

1 2 3

This us all I could find, I know i have more, please let me know if you find any!!

Lunas lore will be portrayed as song lyrics until somebody figures some of the shit out

[hollysoda]

Okay so I know that totk turned one year old a couple of days ago but I was away for the weekend and didn’t get a chance to post something about it. Now I’m home again, I think I wanna just put some thoughts down

Firstly, I still love totk. It was a really fun game and had just as much fun playing through it complete blind as I did playing botw with only a loose knowledge of the game. In fact, I enjoyed it more than botw. Maybe it was because I knew more about Zelda than what I did back in September 2022 when I first played botw, or maybe it was because I could see the improvements they made when it came to dungeons and overall exploration. For at least six months totk was my favourite zelda game. Now, a year on, it isn’t.

I think on reflection totk is a very flawed game. While it is technically genius, story-wise it’s incredibly weak, possibly the weakest in the entire franchise. Here are a few points worth mentioning:

Why bother bringing back Ganondorf if he isn’t going to have any real motive? Is there a reason why he’s fighting with Rauru and seeking his own secret stone, or is he just doing it for funsies? Part of the reason why Wind Waker Ganondorf is so good is because he has a strong and clear motive. Without any motive, totk Ganondorf just feels like an enemy rather than a main antagonist

The main thing that drives forward a story is a theme to take away from it. Breath of the Wild’s theme was exploration and lost memories, Skyward Sword’s theme was loyalty and/or devotion, but it’s hard to tell what totk’s theme is. Sacrifice could be the outstanding one, seeing as both Zelda and Rauru make crucial sacrifices for the sake of Hyrule, but where else is it seen in the story? Totk just tries too many things, and having a clear theme would just help to solidify things

For a game that was supposed to solve the mystery of who the Zonai were it sure did a poor job at doing so. I absolutely adore the Zonai and in my opinion Rauru and Mineru’s designs as some of the coolest in the entire franchise but my god. Their lore is so underdeveloped it hurts. We know the bare minimum about their civilisation and culture. We still don’t know why they died off, why they built the labyrinths (and by extension who the Lord of dragons/owls/boars are), why they have secret stones in the first place, why is the Temple of Time in the sky when it was originally on the ground and most importantly why is draconification a forbidden act. If you’re gonna imply that the three dragons introduced in botw were once people then tell us!! Totk deserved a dlc that could explain all of this and not leave us in the unknown

Saying that the Sheikah technology just “disappeared” is an absolutely awful way of saying “uh yeah we never thought about that”. That’s some god awful world-building and planning on the developers behalf. Even if they just said that after the Calamity it lost its magic and then parts of it were repurposed for new technology, like the Skyview towers, it would be so much more believable. The Divine Beasts should have at least been in the game somewhere, perhaps in the depths. The lack of Sheikah tech makes the game feel so disjointed from botw, and makes totk feel as though it’s only a sequel because it has the same characters in it

The ending of the game just doesn’t sit right with me. Why bother having Mineru beg Zelda not to swallow her secret stone if in the end she would be able to turn back into a human. I understand the developers want a happy ending but at least let there be consequences. Let Zelda’s memory be a bit hazy or give her dragon features like many artists have done and let Link permanently be an amputee

Also the Ancient Hero angers me. I’ve got no problems with him not being a hylian because honestly it makes it wayy more interesting knowing that not every hero was hylian, but just explain why. If he’s some sort of Zonai, why doesn’t he look like Rauru and Mineru? Is he some sort of hybrid or a different breed of Zonai? And why does the tapestry depict him as a hylian if he’s not? Seems like an oversight more than anything

I think I should stop there because this post is getting long but uh TL;DR totk could have been a phenomenal game if they spent more time planning out the storyline and fleshing out lore. I get it, the game was originally botw dlc, but after so many delays we at least deserved a better story.

I do still love this game though Tears of the Dragon goes HARD

[suethesocks]

Ascalon Redesigns!

Ive always bashed Ascalon alot (still do) but watching kuro's breakdowns i coudnt help but wonder about how cool it wouldve been if it was actually executed well

My main gripes with it is that it didnt look like technology, made no sense to look the way it does, and felt very poorly thought out overall like the lore for it was a complete afterthought

As you can see here (and in my george design) Ive made ascalon alot more technological-looking and like something azmuth would actually build

So whats the deal with this device? Ascalon is a weapon that uses the incomplete DNA of powerful beings (such as celestialsapiens) to harness their power and manifest it into a superpowerful suit of armor and weapon that, if used correctly, can be used to dissect and study the fabric of reality.

This way Ascalon contrasts alot more directly to the omnitrix, being both DNA devices of sorts. And both made for the purposes of knowledge, but one is alot more destructive and obviously made for offensive purposes than the other

I gave it those weird vertical circle thingies to sort of look like the star alignment we saw in the flashbacks with Zennith. Always found it weird how that never came up and the design didnt evoke it at all apart from simply.. being long?

The armor and weapon are based off of the user and what their mind sort of understands as "combat gear." This is why it looks like a knights armor for George and how it manifests into a sword (or rather one of those cartooonishly large claymores). I tried to give it white tubes and some green dots to evoke the omnitrix more. Also slapped on a cool big cape because every robot armor should have a cape tbh. I didnt intend for that at the time but this ended up being a motif throughout the designs, finding a way to incorprate cloth into them

Here we have a hypothetical design for azmuth if he were to wield it. For galvans i imagine they probably go into battle in giant mechs, so thats what his ascalon is. Gave ascalon that 1 zigzag that his staff in soto has, but tried to move away from the soto mechs design for this bc i never imagined that one was used for serious military combat

In the azmuth flashbacks we saw that he gave Ascalon to an incursean warrior which is what led to their homeworld's destruction. I think DJW later said that the warrior was not an Incursean but idc !!

I drew this in the same pose that the warrior had in the shot we saw him in. Gave him the classic incursean helmet as well as some more incursean-y elements to his armor. He has a normal sword that looks more like canon ascalon's than george's (i wish i could pretend it was because hes the technical original wielder of ascalon so he gets to have the design match the canon but no it was a coincidence)

We saw Vilgax wield Ascalon for a brief moment in the show so i had to! This ascalon was a very easy choice for me since i made up my mind ages before i even got the idea. Vilgax should never ever wield any sort of weapon, because hes simply strong enough on his own that he can pure muscle and brain his way out of any conflict. Brute force is his fortei, not becasue hes dumb but because he just doesnt need to do anything else. BUT if you were to give him a weapon, it shouldnt be a sword or a gun (both things UAF had lmao) it should be something like a hammer or a mace or gauntlets. Brute force sort of weapon

Vilgax is a already warlord so it was simple to work off of his canon OS design (the coolest one) and come up with an armor for him. I also took some inspirations from Eva Unit-02 for the helmet and the cape (specifically its debut where it was covered in cloth)

Of course, for ascalon i had to go with hammer. I mean his ship is called the Chimeran Hammer so you gotta! Also i think its the most fun visual with vilgax

Last but not least, the last person to wield ascalon in the show, Ben himself! I originally wasnt planning to do this, but then i got the idea of giving him these 2 designs to represent his change in mindset he has in the finale

In the beginning hes mostly influenced by how he saw george wield ascalon and stuff,and hes kinda losing it in the sauce a little. So he has an armor similar to that of goerge. Then as he remembers his friends and his humanity, he comes back down to earth (metaphorically?) and his armor itself shifts to represent this, being a mostly cartoonish armor based off ultra ben who i assume is like bens sona or something lol

The cloth is a menacing badass cape like George's, but then shifts into this sort of bubbly friendly skirt. His weapon also shifts from daggers wrapped around the omnitrix (representing using the omnitrix as a wepaon) to a shield wrapped around the omnitrix (representing using the omnitrix as a peacekeeping device)

These weapons dont actually interact with his omnitrix in anyway, theyre mostly just wrapped around it so he can still access it. The aliens would probably have george's armor but with slight changes to fit each alien better

Bonus!!

My own takes on Vilcubra and Dagax

Always really really really disliked both of these designs in the show, they felt like they went through zero drafts before the final design and they just kinda did whatever (which isnt far off from how the rest of this arc was handled lol)

I tried making vilcubra look more creepy and like his body was indeed transformed to be a servant, and also closer to how the lacubras actually look so i SLASHED off his toesies and took out his eyes and put them on his shoulders so they dont look like eyes (leaving room for the teeth to overtake the face) also gave him a tail

I think the idea behind having Dagax be a floating vilcubra head vilgax was because they thought a floating normal vilgax head would look goofy (theyre right) but i think they failed to realize that the floating vilcubra head is equally goofy even if indeed you give it red eyes. So i just tried to make my design be something of a mix between the actual Dagon and vilgax

I admit i ran into some trouble trying to do that as vilgax was the OG cthulu inspired design, so trying to mix him with other cthulu presented trouble. I tried to at least slant his eyes the same way they looked in OS and give him the OS yellow spots, as well as the 2 big tentacles he has in the back of his head in OS and OV

[starythewriter]

KINKMAS 16 chris evans x you

WATTPAD

you woke up feeling great. you felt enegrized as you had taken a nap. chris was outside finishing up retouching his shield. he had great biceps. you smirked. he smirked back noticing how pretty you are.

"hey chris"

"hey dar;ing" he said, you gave him a kiss. placing your smell hands on his thick arms. he was beyond handsome. he was perfect. your eyes glazed over looking at him in awe."come on sweet cheeks let's go" he picked you up and made you sit on top of his shoulder."what's that?" You pointed to the sword. "well i just bought it today. i want to show you something"You giggled."okay". He smiled.you two arrived at a huge field. you were excited. the grass looked so soft. he gently placed you down."this is the best view ever!"you said with wide eyes."yes it is!" he said admiring your expression.

it was the coolest view, this made you forget about everything else that was bad and made you feel good!Chris was sitting on a tree branch staring at you. he loved seeing you happy. he loves when you smile. it makes you look like an angel. he has never seen anything more beautiful than you. you always look so innocent, but you are not one of those innocent girls.

you are a risky girl, a powerful seductress… you squirmed as he hugged you. "awww is someone blushing" you both kissed slowly. you could see the stars clearly through the night sky. it would be such a shame if it was cloudy. your hand went into his hair. he held you tightly as if wanting to keep you close to himself. he started nibbling and sucking on your neck as you moaned loudly. you were both outside enjoying the stars, you moved your hands underneath his shirt. "fuck… dont start now…" you giggled "daddy" he bit his lip. you kissed, you took off his shirt, "remove it all… im needy for you" he said, the both of you went inside the moonlight shing bright on the both of you, he slowly took off your shirt everything but your panties. you got on your knees slowly teasing him "fuck" he moaned, you unzipped his pants, you kissed him.

you took off his boxers with your teeth "fuck baby your so… talented" you moaned, "I want to be inside of you" he moaned, he was needy for you. he backed you into a wall slowly entering you, you threw your had back as your legs wrapped around his waist, slowly squeezing his dick. "how you feeling?" he said gritting his teeth.

"great chris pleaseee go faster… you so fucking hot" he smirked quickening his pace. you felt so good… this was unlike all the other times, he was planting kisses all over your face and chest. you kissed his nipple earning a groan.

after some more kissing you both came closer to your peak. you both shivered quickly hitting your climax "ah" "fuck… you are so sweet Y/N" he said whispering. the way he would touch you made you squirm. you had the same affect on him, when you'd kiss him he would shiver…

"come here" he whispered carrying you to a large bath tub, he turned on the warm water, the both of you kissed slowly rubbing eachothers bodies.

"relax darling let me take care of you" he said as he fingered you "lay your head on my shoulder" chris started to finger you with more intensity causing you to moan. he massaged your clit, making you squirm. "fuck… doing so good baby keep going" somehow you were about to reach your second climax already. he started to hit your Good spot "oh EVANS-" you moaned out "relax" he whispered "ill take care of you" he said now washing you.

THE END

[moxpunk]

So, my tabletop group just wrapped up our multi-year Zelda: Reclaim the Wild campaign, and I just wanted to write about it for y'all. This is going to be long and rambling.

To start things off, I made my gal Forota a Gerudo princess (who was also a twin) that transed her gender and abdicated the throne so their non-binary sibling could rule because she just didn't ruling over people. Were they originally named after Kotake and Koume? Absolutely. Were they both destined to be the new-age Ganondorfs because they're both AMAB? Also yes. It's the other reason my gal left her position: she was terrified that because she had a penchant for fighting and strategy and commanding groups meant that she would take on Ganondorf's brutalistic traits.

Because she had a history of being royalty, it was very easy for Forota to find an adventuring position with Queen Zelda (Zelda was finally a queen in our game). The task was to help settle Old Hyrule, which Forota didn't really agree with, but figured she could do a better job than the entire Hylian Army in helping rediscover things. Along the way, she met with a whole party of other adventurers who explored Old Hyrule by her side.

Through all the adventures, a big theme our game took was defying the powers that be and unique relationships with destiny. Personal destiny, the ordained destiny of a culture, the destiny of The Princess, The Warrior, and The Demon.

Turns out, the whole adventuring party had been deigned by Hylia to all collectively take on the soul of the Courage part of the Triforce. We, uh... found a dead Link in the Spirit Temple, where we grabbed the Master Sword and had a fun mechanic where each party-member could only make a single strike with it before it had to be passed to someone else until the whole party got a swing. The Spirit Temple was a huge turning point for a lot of our characters. Cerra, Forota's girlfriend, a Sheikah gravetender, denied her destiny to die in the Spirit Temple. Forota found a new destiny to help raise the Gerudo (who have been splintered into three separate kingdoms in Old Hyrule) from their scorned position of living in the desert. It was... really cool, all said.

Along the way, we met with a whole bunch of different cultures and fun characters. The Deku scrubs were all hyper-capitalists because an evil fairy was demanding all of their rupees. The Zora were all fed into a demon-machine, leaving only children on a single island. The Tokay were absolute trade-gremlins that raised hell with both the Zora and the Deku. The Sheikah knew the dark secrets of the kingdom, and were happy to murder anyone that stumbled on those secrets (that "anyone" also included the party!). The Gerudo were split into a warring kingdom, a political-usurping kingdom, and a fucked-up mushroom-fairy kingdom and they were the coolest motherfuckers. The Rito wished for flight and sought to do so through warfare. The Gorons were subjugated by the Rito, and we helped break their chains.

As we ventured more and more, we began to run into Hylia herself on occasion, and she was the biggest bitch. She demanded perfect subjugation beneath her, and nearly killed Forota when she spoke out against her. As time went on, we realized that maybe Ganondorf had the right idea trying to defy Hylia and the Hyrulean Kingdom.

It all culminated when Ganondorf showed up when we obtained the final shard of the Triforce, and Forota just finally walked up to him and went "I disagree in how you've done your work, but I'll fight by your side to take down Hylia." She had accepted both parts of her destiny, realizing that fighting alongside Ganondorf and using his forces of monsters for good against an unjust Hylia would be how she could redeem the Gerudo's past. He helped repair an ancient crown gifted to her in the Shadow Temple, and allowed her to command 1/10th of his monster army in the final assault against the Sky Islands (an idea our DM came up with long before the first Tears of the Kingdom was ever shown, he took it from Skyward Sword).

Our Zora caster, Hretha, was stolen by Hylia and kidnapped to the sky, and tonight in our final session we helped save her and finally take down Hylia. We gathered the Triforce and the Reversed Triforce that Ganondorf had gathered, and wished upon the Resversed Triforce to strip her of her goddesshood and upon the Triforce to break the cycle of Link, Zelda, and Ganon reincarnation. Now, Hylia gets to sit-in on diplomatic meetings while people essentially child-glove speak to her like "You don't imprison someone in the Golden Realm forever if you disagree, you talk it out like a normal person."

Forota got a lovely send-off. She got married to Cerra with a big wedding officiated by both Zelda and Ganondorf in a huge show of peace. Then, when celebrations had subsided, Ganondorf pulled Forota aside and told her that his tie to the cycle may have been broken, but his immortality remains intact. To find his humanity, he needs a general by his side to travel to the Underworld to kill six-billion demons. Forota, overjoyed that she gets to fight alongside the man she dreaded she might have become, happily accepted. She comes to the surface on occasion to hang out with her wife who is now Zelda's right-hand woman.

I plan on doing a follow-up campaign set about 10 or 20 years after this one, where all of our characters can make cute little cameo appearances. Also, it'll be a fun way to bring in some of the Zonai stuff and other mechanics the Reclaim the Wild devs are cooking up in their Discord.

I know this was long, but it was a long adventure! Thank you guys for reading my fun little ramblings, feel free to send me some asks if you have questions you'd like me to write about!