#heavy references to nature (and red bean ice cream)

[athousandbyeol]

we started with a kiss. [myungha x yeowoon fanfic]

at the age of 18, yeowoon gets his first kiss. at the age of 18, yeowoon experiences his first heartbreak. and at the age of 18, yeowoon learns the meaning of true love.

or this is yeowoon's journey to accepting he can love and be loved by myungha without anything holding him back. and he can kiss myungha whenever he wants to if myungha is okay with that. (he is).

[obsessedwithbbandsuju]

I’m With You

Son Taeyeon was torn between her anger and her heartache. He never showed it all to her. Never admitted that his pain ran deep to this extent. Taeyeon admitted that it might seem insensitive, but she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t feeling angry. Maybe a better girlfriend would only feel sympathy and concern. Maybe she should feel only sympathy and concern. Maybe that was the right thing to do, but Taeyeon couldn’t help how she felt. 

Pairing: Park Jungsoo (Leeteuk)/Son Taeyeon

Warnings: A little bit of teasing, slight dom/sub undertones, pregnancy risk kink (kind of?), spanking, the tiniest bit of degradation, and emotional intimacy kink (is that even a thing?)

_____

eonni: a term used by a female to refer to another female, older than her, that she is close to

oppa: a term used by a female to refer to a male, older than her, that she is close to

kimbap: a Korean dish made from cooked rice and other ingredients that are rolled in kim—dried sheets of nori seaweed—and served in bite-sized slices

danpatbbang: Korean red-bean-paste bun

samanco: a Korean frozen treat consisting of vanilla ice cream and a thin layer of sweet red bean paste, wrapped inside a fish-shaped wafer shell

Son Taeyeon was torn between her anger and her heartache.  

He never showed it all to her. Never admitted that his pain ran deep to this extent. Taeyeon admitted that it might seem insensitive, but she'd be lying if she said she wasn't feeling angry. Maybe a better girlfriend would only feel sympathy and concern. Maybe she should feel only sympathy and concern. Maybe that was the right thing to do, but Taeyeon couldn’t help how she felt.

After Soojin-eonni had left, she’d busied herself watching the latest episode of Super TV as it aired; it was only right, after all, as both a fan of Super Junior and Leeteuk-oppa’s girlfriend, there was no way she was going to miss it. She’d enjoyed every episode, but this current one in particular she had found particularly interesting (and amusing). Seeing Heechul-oppa and Leeteuk-oppa being so awkward while alone together was definitely a worthwhile entertainment, especially because she had experienced firsthand how different their personalities were. Taeyeon knew they both loved each other, but their styles in themselves were so opposite that it was a little hard to be in the same room as them without the other members.

It was all good fun until Leeteuk-oppa had gone into Dr. Doo Eunmi’s office for his one-on-one consultation session. Heechul-oppa’s had been funny – a given, really, considering his natural personality – and Taeyeon had leaned forward on her couch in anticipation, expecting another good laugh from her boyfriend. Leeteuk-oppa was funny too, she knew better than anyone else. His humor never failed to delight her. And most of the time, she thought fondly, he doesn’t even try.

Leeteuk-oppa had bowed to the doctor, smiling all the way and flashing that dimple that she loved so much. He’d taken a seat in front of her, where Heechul-oppa had previously been sitting, hands folded politely over his lap. Taeyeon could tell, despite his courtesy, that he felt nervous. Furrowing her eyebrows, she wondered why. Her boyfriend had been on plenty of broadcasts; she had never seen him this tense. Did he not like how personal the moment was?

Her brief concern was mitigated by Heechul-oppa on the screen, now listening in to the session as Leeteuk-oppa had been listening into his. He’d commented that the entire situation seemed like marriage counseling for them, a couple married for fourteen years, and Taeyeon had laughed, because he wasn’t wrong. Heechul-oppa and Leeteuk-oppa really did seem like a married couple sometimes.

She watched as the scene cut back to Leeteuk-oppa and his session. Leeteuk-oppa was telling the doctor that truthfully, he didn’t really feel the need to go as far as counseling, and Taeyeon agreed. Awkward as things might be between Leeteuk-oppa and Heechul-oppa, she knew how much they treasured each other. The counseling was just good fun and something interesting and intimate for the viewers.

The screen them switched back to Leeteuk-oppa’s later interview, talking about how he was once told that an entertainer needed to always be cheerful and happy, no matter how hard they felt that their life was, because that was the role of an entertainer. To entertain people. And now, Leeteuk-oppa said, now that he was in a situation that forced him to act more like the human being, Park Jungsoo, not the idol and celebrity Leeteuk, he had felt out of his element, uncomfortable and unsure.

His words had struck a chord all too clear with Taeyeon, frankly, chasing away her earlier mirth. She understood exactly what Teukkie-oppa meant. As an idol too, debuting in 2006, just a few months into fourteen years old, Taeyeon knew just too well how judgmental the media could be, how hard to please and how vicious when given the slightest opportunity. Public figures were criticized mercilessly for even the smallest, most trivial slip in demeanor, and the result was a façade that they always wore in front of cameras. They always took care to smile, always took care to act cheery and bright and charming, because they were absolutely ripped apart if they didn’t. Wearing that kind of mask for so long . . . it had a way of changing people until they weren’t quite sure who they were supposed to be anymore. Taeyeon was no exception. She loved her job and would always feel nothing but gratitude and love for the fans that had enabled her to be where she was, and she wouldn’t trade it for anything, but the negative aspects of the showbiz had impacted her heavily. She knew that her boyfriend was the same. She was sure that all idols had struggled with the feeling, that loss of identity.

Feeling more serious at the turn of thoughts, she continued watching as Leeteuk-oppa explained that as soon as Heechul-oppa had entered the office, he’d begun wondering how he could pass by the counseling session and show less of himself. Although his attitude was calm, Taeyeon couldn’t help feeling sad at his words. It was almost like some part of Leeteuk-oppa was afraid to reveal who he really was.

Her gaze was fixed intently on the screen as her boyfriend began to speak again. “These days, I’ve been tired because . . .” He trailed off, his expression almost nostalgic. “I just . . .”

Taeyeon felt her heart drop a little. He looked almost uncertain to her, could he be fishing for words?

But . . . why? She’d hardly ever seen her boyfriend rendered speechless, especially in television. He was a natural entertainer, humorous and charming and witty. It might be a little difficult to voice some of his troubles, but the tenuous, shaky air about him gave Taeyeon the horrible impression that it was so much more than just that. He looked like if he were a vase, he would be fracturing right at the moment from some heavy, unseen weight.

She’d never seen him like this, except when concerning his family, and she was sure he wouldn’t even begin talking about that here.

The thoughtful and mirthless smile seemed to transform her boyfriend’s entire visage, like it was ripping away the mask the Leeteuk and revealing Park Jungsoo for everyone to see. He bent over, hiding his face from the camera and the doctor, with a desperate and almost incoherent, “A moment, please”. He was trying hard to keep his tone light, but the distress in his voice was too painfully obvious, and Taeyeon’s heart fell to somewhere beneath the soles of her feet. What had gotten him so emotional so quickly? Especially someone like Leeteuk-oppa, who tended to hide his truly serious sentiments, and was actually good at it?

Leeteuk-oppa sat up, his gaze fixed on the ceiling and avoiding the doctor’s eyes. Taeyeon would have guessed that he was feeling embarrassed if not for the fact that she was so utterly confused at his sudden and steady rush of sadness. For just a second, he looked like he was fighting to control himself, to keep his composure.

“For several reasons . . .” Leeteuk-oppa tried again, but again he trailed off, and suddenly, he was dabbing at his eyes, and Taeyeon realized he was really, truly, crying.

She watched the rest of the episode in a dazed stupor, unable to get over the fact that Leeteuk-oppa had been going through such a hard time. She was his girlfriend of four years, his close friend of seven years. And he’d never said a word about her to this. He’d never admitted to her that he was struggling so much, that he felt that as the leader of Super Junior, he couldn’t complain, couldn’t show weakness, had to pretend to be strong even when he wasn’t. And because of that, he was alone and stressed, with absolutely nothing and no one to lean on for comfort.

And Taeyeon hadn’t known. Anything. At all.

Teukkie-oppa had definitely showed strong emotion with her before. The problem wasn’t that he shut her out completely, because he didn’t. He was very open with his thoughts and feelings when he thought the situation was appropriate, as it was with her – his girlfriend.

Or so Taeyeon thought, but now . . . she wasn’t sure. Such a significant issue, something that was bothering him so much for so long, and he hadn’t told her about it. In fact, when she’d asked him recently, just a week ago, if he ever felt stressed, admitting that she did several times, he had laughed it off. “You know me, Taeyeon,” he’d said with a laugh – a goddamned laugh. “I’m a workaholic, work is the best thing I can do for myself.”

Except on Super TV, he’d said that work was becoming hard for him. He’d lied to her.

He hadn’t trusted her enough to confide in her.

Feeling her ire rise at the realization, Taeyeon stood. Unlike most other people, her anger wasn’t usually fiery and destructive and flaring. It was cold, gradual, and almost stony, and she felt it stirring now in the pit of her stomach; that hard, stern, grim feeling slowly making itself known, lodging itself somewhere inside her.

Just as well. She and Teukkie-oppa had planned to meet at his house today and spend a few weeks there together. They liked to switch, sometimes staying in his house and sometimes in hers, and very rarely did they live apart. Taeyeon had only been staying at her apartment for two days to clean it before dust started to accumulate; she was headed back to her boyfriend’s house tonight, for who knew how long.

Convenient.

And she was not going to let Jungsoo-oppa get away with not being honest with her, even if she had to wring an explanation from him.

Taeyeon wondered for a second if her reaction was too much, too angry. Shouldn’t her instinct be to comfort her boyfriend in his distress, not scold him?

Then she realized that she wanted to embrace him and tell him that she would always be here for him just as much as she wanted to berate him for his lying to her. The fact somehow heightened her irritation. She should be angry, she decided. She had the right to be. She’d never held anything back from Leeteuk-oppa, and she had thought he did the same for her, but it looked like she was the only one between them.

If he felt that he couldn’t confide everything to her . . . Taeyeon paused at the thought. It would hurt, she realized. She would be upset, and it would hurt. But she knew she would have accepted it, eventually. People changed, after all, and she knew too well that opening up to others was difficult, even when they were your friends.

No. That wasn’t what was the problem.

What really angered her was the fact that he wasn’t forthcoming with her, when she’d always been forthcoming with him.

If he really feels that he can’t be open with me, all he had to do was tell me, she seethed. It’s so easy. He shouldn’t have just . . . lied.

Her phone vibrated on the stand next to her, startling Taeyeon out of her unpleasant thoughts. She pressed the power button and her lock screen flared to life in front of her. It was a picture that had been taken in 2009, when Taeyeon and her groupmates had first had the pleasure of meeting the Super Junior members. Her group and the active members of SuJu had all taken a commemorative photograph together, and Taeyeon, a professional fangirl, had made it her lock screen.

Said photograph usually made her smile, but at the moment, she couldn’t help it when her eyes briefly settled on SuJu’s angelic leader, smiling up at her from the screen. Her brows plunged with annoyance, and she tore her gaze away to focus instead on the text message notification.

It was from Jungsoo-oppa.

‘Taeyeon, do you think you could come over a little bit earlier?’

Under normal circumstances, Taeyeon would have beamed. As close as they were, Jungsoo-oppa still made her heart flutter at times. It was something about him, from his caring nature to his gentle demeanor to his very kind, very loving heart, that she found incredibly attractive and unique to only him.

But at the moment, she was more than a little bit pissed off, and the only facial expression she could summon was a wry twist of her lips that was something between a grim smile and an outright grimace.

Going over to his house a little earlier doesn’t seem so bad, she thought. It gives me more time to talk this out with this bastard.

Grabbing a piece of bread to eat before leaving, and sinking her teeth into it, leaving it dangling in the air with only her mouth to hold it in place, Taeyeon texted back.

‘That’s fine Oppa. I’m done packing, I’ll be there in thirty minutes’

To chew your ass out.

The reply was immediate; clearly, her boyfriend was holding the phone like she was, staring at the screen and waiting for a response.

‘Thanks Taeyeon. You’re always so good to me. I love you, see you soon’

I love you.

Taeyeon cursed when she felt her heart pounding as she processed the message. I love you. It was a text – just a text – but she could practically hear Jungsoo-oppa’s voice whispering to her. She could see, clear as day, the way he’d flash at her that angelic smile and the skin of his cheek would pucker, revealing that adorable dimple. The way he’d brush their noses together and look at her with those awestricken eyes, like he couldn’t believe she was actually there. The way he liked to pull her flush against him as they snuggled together, molding their bodies into one, his arms wrapped around her waist and his fingers tracing soft, loving circles over the skin of her palm. All those cliché stories about fireworks exploding in one’s stomach, the stories that had made Taeyeon scoff before she met Jungsoo-oppa, were true after all. If you had the right person, those fireworks went off all the time.

She’d parted on good terms with all her past significant others, but none of them held a candle to her current boyfriend. She loved him more than she’d ever loved anyone, and that was why the situation made her so angry.

Nevertheless, she texted back:

‘I love you too <3’

She couldn’t deny that she did. Even the fact that she was angry at him was only because she loved him. Dammit.

With those unpleasant thoughts in mind, she finished shoving a few sweaters and jeans into her suitcase and made sure that everything was in order, double checking the faucets, the plugs, and the lights. Once she was sure that nothing would go up in flames during her absence, Taeyeon grabbed her suitcase and left the house.

The bus ride over to the area of the Han River, next to which Jungsoo-oppa’s apartment was located, was filled with tension. At least, that was what Taeyeon felt. She couldn’t stop thinking of ways she would approach the topic; she didn’t want to appear to aggressive. She understood that Jungsoo-oppa was busy, and as pleasant as he might be on television, she knew he could be ill-tempered like any other human being. But every time she imagined trying to bring up the issue calmly, she always ended up losing her temper.

Taeyeon sighed, giving up and staring blankly out the window as the cars passed by. I’ll just go with the flow, I suppose. She had always had a fair bit of spontaneity to her, and in her experience, it didn’t go away even when it came to her relationships. She couldn’t decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I guess the outcome of my talk with Oppa will answer that.

~

She rang the doorbell, and the door was open in less than five seconds. She did have a spare key that he’d given her, as he had a spare key she’d given him, but she usually just liked the feeling of her boyfriend opening his door to let her into his living space, and although she was still seething, Taeyeon’s habits died hard, it seemed.

Seeing Jungsoo-oppa’s face peering out from inside his apartment, Taeyeon couldn’t decide if it abated or fed her anger. Maybe both, and that wasn’t even logically possible.

Her first instinct was to hug him, and when his words to the doctor – “I think I just felt so lonely” – flashed through her mind again, that desire doubled. It was so strong that as she stepped into the apartment and took off her shoes, she could practically feel some invisible, magnetic pull tugging insistently at her, and it was dragging her toward her boyfriend. She all but teetered on her toes from the effort it took not to throw herself into his arms.

Luckily, the scampering of paws stole her attention from Jungsoo-oppa, and Taeyeon squatted to scoop Shimkoong into her arms, cooing as the small dog licked her all over her face, occasionally expressing her excitement in loud, sharp barks. Taeyeon had to laugh as she pressed a kiss to the dog’s nose, fondness rushing over her and momentarily sweeping away her dissatisfaction at the man standing at her shoulder. She pointedly ignored him.

Teukkie-oppa really didn’t seem to mind; the security that came with being in a long-term relationship, past the point of needless worrying about the other person’s every action. He just gave her that angelic smile and pressed a kiss to her cheek before taking her suitcase. “Go on and get comfortable, Taeyeon-ah,” he said. “I’ll unpack your stuff. I already know where you like your things to go anyway.” Another smile, and he was off, lugging her suitcase behind him.

Damn him, Taeyeon thought. It was simultaneously easier and harder to keep up her ire at her boyfriend with his sweet yet careless display of affection. As Leeteuk-oppa walked away down the hall, her suitcase in his hands, Taeyeon felt her heart clench tightly with both affection and resentment.

She loved him so much, she really did. She loved how casually considerate he was, like unpacking everything for her while she relaxed, kicked her feet back, and slacked off was no big deal. Like it was only a natural thing to do. And his lips against her cheek felt so natural, so right. He’d done it hundreds of times before in their four years of dating, and how he always succeeded at thrilling her so much with just a peck on the cheek eluded Taeyeon’s knowledge still.

On the other hand, she was angry. How was it that he had been acting so nonchalant for so long? Super TV aired after it was filmed, which meant Teukkie-oppa had been acting like he was fine around her for at least weeks, and, much more likely from his breakdown, years. How could he be so relaxed and informal while being untruthful with her?

Suddenly, she was more than pissed. Well, she had been more than pissed since watching the broadcast, but now she was furious. Letting Shimkoong down so the dog could scamper off, Taeyeon marched down the hall to Teukkie-oppa’s bedroom, where they slept together while staying at his house. He had already unzipped the suitcase and was starting to organize her clothes. As Taeyeon burst in, Teukkie-oppa was gingerly folding a sweater that she had shoved in as last resort.

Upon her sudden appearance, he looked up, tutting playfully. “Taeyeon, I keep telling you that you have to fold your clothes properly so they don’t get wrinkles.” He gestured to the sweater he had finished folding and placed on his lap, neat and tidy. “See, this is already getting. . .”

It must have been that moment that he fully comprehended that she was actually glaring at him. Concern pooled in his eyes like water into a bowl, pure and clear, and Taeyeon might have teared up feeling the depth of his worry for her if she weren’t absolutely ready to explode at him.

“Are you okay?” Teukkie-oppa asked, standing up and approaching her, folded sweater still in his hands. His face was so full of unadulterated worry . . . and, she noticed, was looking slightly blurry, as if someone had covered her eyes with a thin, transparent film.

Oh.

Taeyeon realized she really was tearing up a little, which shocked her because they weren’t tears of affection at her boyfriend’s sweetness, they were tears of frustration. She wasn’t the type of person to cry when she got angry, never had been, but she had heard somewhere that tears could be the body’s reaction to too much of something. In Taeyeon’s current case, she suspected it was too much fury. She felt like she had too many things to say, and even a million mouths wouldn’t be enough to say all of it. Words jumped from her throat to her tongue to back down her throat, this way and that until she wasn’t even sure what she was trying to tell him anymore. “You should have told me if you weren’t going to open up to me in the first place.” “Was that some sort of show for the broadcast?” “Do you really feel that lonely? You can’t talk to me? You had to go as far as to lie about it?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Fuck. Of all things, that? It was vague, it was confusing, it was stupid. But it was too late to take it back.

Her boyfriend stared at her, having lessened the distance between them to about a half a meter. He was much taller than her, the crown of her head just reaching the bottom of his nose, Taeyeon noted randomly, and not for the first time. She really wished her brain could lay off with reporting to her the most irrelevant of intel at the most ridiculous of times.

“What do you mean? Taeyeon, you look distressed,” Teukkie-oppa noted, studying her face and the tears in her eyes with mild alarm. “Did something happen?”

She was glaring at him, and although it seemed like he didn’t notice, Taeyeon knew at this point that he just wasn’t acknowledging it, focusing instead on the cause of her distress. On his worrying for her distress. Just another way that Jungsoo-oppa was so kind, so considerate, so loving. He was a natural sweetheart, had always been.

He was almost perfect, really. Taeyeon hated it. Hated him.

“You know exactly what I mean,” she said coldly, ignoring his other question. “You were having a hard time. You were going through so much and didn’t say a word to me.”

She meant to stop it there, but once she began, it was as if a dam had broken. Her words were spilling out, and Taeyeon didn’t have the kind of frame of mind to stop them anymore. She felt betrayed. Four years of dating, sure, but more importantly, eight years of friendship. When Taeyeon considered someone a truly close friend, there was really nothing she would hide from them, because she loved and trusted her friends enough to confide her personal matters.

The sometimes-unfortunate side of that was, she expected the same in return. And when that trust was betrayed, like her boyfriend had betrayed it, her ire was swift to come and hard to abate.

“I’m your girlfriend, but more importantly, I’m your friend. I’ve been your friend for years now. I’m supposed to be here for you, just like you’re always here for me. How am I going to do that when you aren’t truthful when we’re together?” Her voice was relatively quiet, as it almost always was when she talked to other people, but her tone reminded herself of jagged, broken glass. She didn’t think it had fully dawned on her just how hurt she felt until she was in front of him and verbalizing, giving him a piece of her mind. Entirely caught up in her anger, Taeyeon couldn’t even be bothered to gauge her boyfriend’s reaction; she was too busy going off.

“You didn’t tell me how stressed and lonely even work was making you feel. I seem to recall you telling me just last week that it was the best thing you could do for yourself.” She stopped to take a breath, and suddenly, she felt bone-tired. Why? Just . . . why did he have to do that? “Why did you lie?” she asked, her voice softer but no less frustrated.

It was obvious that Jungsoo-oppa knew exactly what she was talking about from the way that his gaze fell to the ground. His chest rose and fell slowly as he drew in a deep breath, the way he did when he was either calming himself down or preparing himself for an argument. Although he wasn’t looking at her, Taeyeon got the feeling that he was struggling with something, and it cooled her resentment. Her temperature dropped slightly and she no longer felt the overpowering urge to shout at him, but she was still angry.

But when Jungsoo-oppa gave his reply, looking up to meet her accusing gaze with an unreadable, almost hard expression in his eyes, her outrage sparked to life again.

“I didn’t want you to know.”

“Obviously,” she hissed. What kind of response was that? “But what I want to know is why not? No, it’s more like –why couldn’t you just tell me that you wouldn’t open up to me fully? I would have understood, oppa.”

“I’m sorry.” He didn’t sound sorry at all. His voice was cold, and he stood stone-still in front of her, still holding her folded sweater in front of him. “But there was no need for you to hear about my problems. You’re only twenty-five, Taeyeon.”

She stared at him. That was what this was all about? Sure, their kind of relationship wasn’t exactly common, a ten-year age gap existing between the two of them, but she had asked and Jungsoo-oppa had assured her that he wouldn’t treat her like a child because of it. All of the Super Junior members, whom Taeyeon was acquainted to or even close with, were in their thirties, but she had never felt intimidated for being younger, nor did she feel like the age gap made them difficult to understand or relate to. They always said it was because she was just as much an adult, enough to be comfortable with them, though Taeyeon was of the opinion that they were all just human. Age was just a number, and someone being ten years older than you didn’t make them some alien species.

She had many friends that were a fair bit older than her, and no one treated her like a helpless child because of it. And now Jungsoo-oppa was contradicting everything he’d told her before – that he was grateful for her maturity because he honestly got tired of acting like a mother to all the other members sometimes, that he was so lucky to have met a woman like her who could listen to and understand his troubles – and now he was saying he hadn’t told her because she was “only twenty-five”?

“Bullshit,” Taeyeon said softly. “You’re telling me that you kept this from me because you think I’m too young to deal with it? After all your big words about how thankful you are that you can confide everything to me?” She raised her hand, gripping the material of the sleeve of his loose gray sweater in her fingers, squeezing hard in an attempt to contain her surging fury at the ridiculousness of his logic. “Do you really think I’m going to take that?”

Leeteuk-oppa moved so fast that her eyes couldn’t follow him. One minute, she was clutching the sleeve of his sweater, and the next minute, he’d yanked his arm away, leaving her fingers curled around nothing but empty air. It took Taeyeon a second to realize he was glaring at her, resentment burning in his eyes.

“I just – I’m just tired. I’m just tired, Taeyeon. I’m exhausted of all this stress, all this faking of my confidence, all this bullshit. I don’t need you involved in my problems.” He raked a hand viciously through his dyed brown hair, his volume increasing by the second. “Is that so hard for you to understand and leave me alone? Is it too much to ask that you stop sticking your nose in my business and give me some goddamned privacy? Fuck!” He threw her sweater across the room in one furious motion and shoved past her, storming out of the room and slamming the door behind him with a resounding bang. Then the sound of his footsteps storming down the hall echoed through the apartment.

He’s probably irritating all the neighbors, Taeyeon thought faintly as she stared at the wall, so shocked that she didn’t even feel surprised, if that was possible. She just felt numb, Leeteuk-oppa’s sudden outburst completely rendering her immobile and unsure of how to react. He’d never just . . . exploded like that before.

He’d never said that he wanted her to “stop sticking her nose in his business”.

Did he really . . . did her concern for him really annoy him that much?

Almost absentmindedly, Taeyeon shook her head, trying to clear the muddle of disbelief that was fogging her brain, but regardless of what she did, she couldn’t erase his voice from her mind.

“Is it too much to ask that you stop sticking your nose in my business and give me some goddamned privacy?”

She took a deep breath and pulled herself out of her trance, looking around blankly to see her sweater in a crumpled heap on the ground. She knelt to pick it up, brushed the wrinkles out of it, and re-folded it, as Leeteuk-oppa had done so gingerly just minutes before.

(There was a dreadful pang in her stomach. She ignored it.)

Still not quite sure what to make of the whole situation, Taeyeon knelt by her unzipped suitcase and started to pull the rest of the clothes out, throwing them carelessly into her boyfriend’s closet. It wasn’t until she was more than halfway through that she realized that Leeteuk-oppa had really exploded at her. It was far from the first time she had seen him angry or upset, but it was the first time he’d lost his temper so utterly, going as far as shouting and throwing things and storming out of rooms.

And it was the first time he’d said something so hurtful to her.

“Is it too much to ask that you stop sticking your nose in my business and give me some goddamned privacy?”

Fine.

Fine. She took a deep breath. Fine. If he really wanted to be like that, if he really wanted to be angry at her for being concerned about him, then two could play the game.

~

Things were painfully awkward from then on. Taeyeon stayed cooped up in Leeteuk-oppa’s room, sitting on his chair and jotting down more lyrics for the song she was working on. She never left it, since thankfully there was an adjoining bathroom, but outside, she could hear her boyfriend. It sounded like he was making something, presumably for dinner, and occasionally, he seemed to be cooing at Shimkoong. Despite it all, Taeyeon caught herself about to smile. Leeteuk-oppa was always the cutest when it came to his dog; he had so much tenderness to offer. He always had.

She pressed her lips harshly together to keep them from curling upwards, focusing once again on her lyrics. She had scribbled down another two verses when her stomach growled.

Glancing at her phone, Taeyeon saw that it was nearly six o’clock; around the time that she usually ate. Leeteuk-oppa had promised to prepare something big for dinner tonight, since they hadn’t seen each other in about two weeks, too busy with their respective schedules, but she really didn’t think that was relevant anymore. From the sounds of his cooking, it didn’t seem like he was making a big meal, anyway.

Ignoring the iron mallet banging about in her gut at the thought of the discord between them, Taeyeon decided she would have to eat out for today. She grabbed her purse, which she had set on Leeteuk-oppa’s bed earlier, made sure her wallet was inside, and opened the room door.

Her boyfriend didn’t look up at she walked by him, heading for the front door, and she refused to look at him too. They ignored each other, both too prideful to let it show that their argument was hurting them, although they both knew it was true.

Forgoing any mode of transportation and deciding to just walk to the convenience store near Leeteuk-oppa’s house, where they often went together to buy food, Taeyeon breathed the cool, crisp air of the night into her lungs, wishing she didn’t have to wear the face mask to conceal her identity.

The walk was therapeutic and gave her the chance to clear her head, which she made full use of. Taeyeon couldn’t deny that she was still pissed by how Jungsoo-oppa had snapped, by what he’d said. He rarely lost his temper like that, and it had never been directed at her. Especially not something so scathing, so cruel.

“Is it too much to ask that you stop sticking your nose in my business and give me some goddamned privacy?”

Was that it? That was what angered him so much? He was tired of her apparently being nosy? He wanted her to mind her own business? A lump clogged Taeyeon’s throat at the thought.

They were friends, weren’t they? They were in a romantic relationship, weren’t they? So how could he expect her to just not worry about his problems?

She remembered the several times over the years that she had confided her worries to him; worries about her upcoming works, worries about her group’s future, worries about her friends, confessions about her depression and what fueled it. He’d been so caring, so sweet, so comforting, listening diligent to everything she had to say and offering solace and advice. All those times, had he only been pretending to be concerned? Could he not really care less after all? Had her openness really been irritating to him, all that time? When she was telling him her vulnerabilities, her insecurities, had he only been annoyed?

The thought was not a pleasant one, and not one that Taeyeon cared to contemplate much longer. She violently thrust it from her mind, leaving to crash to the ground and shatter to bits that scattered all over the pavement, rolling into the sewer, being grinded under the heels of others. He couldn’t have just been annoyed with her for all those years. No. No. It was an idea that was too heartbreaking and too utterly insulting for her to stomach.

She opened the door of the convenience store, feeling bone-tired and forty years older than her actual age. Thankfully, no one looked her way or noticed who she was.

Wondering if she should stock up in case the argument with her boyfriend dragged out, Taeyeon grabbed a shopping basket from the stack at the front of the store. She made her way up and down the aisles, picking up two packs of kimbap, a box of danpatbbang, a pack of dumplings, and two packs of samanco, her favorite type of ice cream. Regardless of how angry he was, she knew Jungsoo-oppa wouldn’t go as far as kicking her out. That would be admitting that their disagreement had affected him, and he always had too much pride to do that. And Taeyeon wouldn’t be seeing herself out either. That meant the same thing, and she, too, intended to save face.

Paying for her items and leaving the store with the shopping bag in hand, Taeyeon found herself wondering, against her will, how long their argument would drag on. Frankly, Teuk-oppa was not often the person to instigate making up after a fight. More often than not, it was Taeyeon who had to approach him.

Should she do that this time? She loved him; she wasn’t sure she could ever stop loving him, having come so far. It bothered her so much, in all honesty, when they were in the middle of a disagreement so serious. She hadn’t wanted to argue. She just wanted to talk it out with him and reach some sort of consensus. Maybe she could do that? Maybe they could try?

“Is it too much to ask that you stop sticking your nose in my business and give me some goddamned privacy?”

Taeyeon stiffened. All at once, her concerns came flooding back to her, impossible to breach and impossible to disregard. Did Jungsoo-oppa really wish she wouldn’t confide in him so much? Did he really see her concern as that much of a nuisance? Did he really see her as that much of a nuisance?

She stopped, staring in front of her at the apartment complex that was soaring into the sky. Suddenly, it seemed so hostile, so unwelcoming. Why would she go back there? She would only be returning to the man she loved, the man who apparently saw what she had perceived as the emotional intimacy of their relationship as nothing but an irritation. She’d wanted to protect her pride, pretend like everything was fine and that she wasn’t affected at all by their argument, but the thought of staying in the same place with Jungsoo-oppa right now seemed too unbearable. She couldn’t stomach it. The ice cream would melt, but she couldn’t care less.

Her decision made, Taeyeon spun on her heel and hurried away.

~

She didn’t come back into the apartment until it was 11:34 P.M., having eaten one pack of kimbap on the park bench, taken a walk around said park, going to the library, and writing more lyrics until the building closed, then walking around the park some more, stalling. Assuming Jungsoo-oppa was asleep and by extension, that she was taking the couch, Taeyeon reached his door and unlocked it with her spare key, trying to be quiet. The grocery bag dangled from her arm.

Opening the door and peering inside, she saw, with surprise, that the lights were still on. Jungsoo-oppa, in his never-ending meticulousness, always made sure to turn off all lights before going to sleep, which could only mean that he wasn’t in bed yet. But wasn’t he tired from all his schedules? Although she was still angry at him, and now, more than that, unsure about such an important aspect of their relationship, Taeyeon still felt a flash of concern. Leeteuk-oppa needed rest. He had a precious few days off and she wasn’t going to let him squander them.

Slipping inside and closing and locking the door behind her, Taeyeon peeked around the apartment. Everything was silent – even Shimkoong must be sleeping. Had Leeteuk-oppa fallen asleep accidentally, perhaps? Gingerly placing the groceries on the counter, she crept down the hall to his room and cracked the door open.

The space was somewhat dim, with only the lamp on Leeteuk-oppa’s desk casting substantial light across the room. Still, it was more than enough for Taeyeon to make out her boyfriend sitting on the bed, looking forlorn. His head was bowed, making his gaze fall probably somewhere on the floor between his knees, and his hands were slumped listlessly on his thighs. He was still wearing the sweater, T-shirt, and jeans that he had been in when she left the apartment.

Was he dozing off? If he fell asleep like that, he would most certainly be having neck pains tomorrow morning.

“Oppa?” Taeyeon called softly.

He raised his head and glanced at her. As their eyes met, he was on his feet in an instant, but he didn’t look angry. He looked relieved. “Taeyeon.” His voice rasped, like he hadn’t used it in a long time.

Taeyeon slid carefully in through the small gap she had made and closed the door softly behind her. They needed to talk. She needed to clarify what he’d really meant. If he truly saw her concern as annoying, then she . . . she wasn’t sure what she would do. Accept it? End their relationship? How could she stay with him knowing that he found hearing her concerns irritating and pointless? But how could she just end it? She loved him so, so much, and the thought of cutting things between them . . . it hurt more than she’d like to admit. It hurt too much.

But she didn’t want to be someone who clung pathetically to a man who didn’t love her as much as she did him. She deserved better than that.

Taeyeon approached her boyfriend until they were roughly half a meter apart. Jungsoo-oppa said nothing – he just stared at her. Was that really relief in his eyes; was the light tricking her, or her own wishful thinking?

“Oppa,” she said, “We need to talk.”

The flash of panic in his gaze was too vivid, too stark, to crisp and clear, to be a trick of the light, Taeyeon thought. That was all she had time to think before Jungsoo-oppa hugged her. The only word to describe his movements was desperate. His arms were desperate as they pulled her into his embrace, his fingers were desperate as they clutched at her back, and his entire demeanor screamed desperation as he buried his face in the crook of her neck.

Taeyeon didn’t move, too shocked at the sudden change. It was Jungsoo-oppa who spoke first.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. No, it almost sounded like a whimper, also, filled with desperation. “I’m sorry. I love you. I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Unsure of what to do, Taeyeon raised her arms and wrapped them around him, rubbing his back in soothing strokes. Rarely was Jungsoo-oppa this clingy, this fervent, but when he was, he required attention and love. And as upset as she still was at him, she was more than willing to give it.

“It’s okay,” she murmured. “I’m here, oppa. It’s alright.”

They stayed like that for a few minutes before her boyfriend slowly released her. Taeyeon attempted a sympathetic smile and took his hand in her own, sitting on the mattress and tugging gently so Jungsoo-oppa followed suit.

“I don’t know what came over me,” Jungsoo-oppa whispered as he sat. “I was just . . . today was exhausting, and I . . . I lost my temper.” He looked at her, meeting her eyes, and she could see the genuine apology in his gaze. He looked fragile, tremulous. Almost scared. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shout. I didn’t . . . I didn’t mean any of it.”

It dawned on Taeyeon just then what all this meant, why her boyfriend had been clinging to her like his heart would stop if he let up for even a second: she had been gone for too long. He probably thought that she had ditched him in her anger, and that he’d really screwed up. That he’d really, truly upset her this time, maybe irrevocably. There was a pang in her chest, and suddenly, her anger could wait.

“It’s okay,” she assured him, taking his face in her hands, running her thumbs under his eyes. He was so handsome. He looked so afraid, so sorry. Her heart constricted.

“It’s okay,” Taeyeon repeated, again and again until some of the shame in Jungsoo-oppa’s eyes had abated. Only then did she drop her hands from his face, but she didn’t let them completely leave him. Instead, she clasped his hands in her own, trying to reassure him as she repeated, “We need to talk.”

Jungsoo-oppa swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “You’re right,” he said. “You’re right, Taeyeon. I mean . . . you were right to be angry. I . . .” He looked down at their joined hands and idly traced small, sweet circles over the skin of her palm with his thumb. “I’ve been lying to you. About work.” He looked back up at her, clearly hesitant.

“. . . I don’t even know when it began, but one day I realized . . . I was just tired. I thought I loved my job so much, and I do, but I was tired. Once I realized that, everything . . . it was all harder. I didn’t want to let anyone know, because I didn’t want anyone to worry. I’m the leader; I can’t make the other members share my burdens just because I can’t bear them. They already have plenty of their own.”

“And me?” Taeyeon asked softly. “Why didn’t you say anything to me?” She wasn’t angry anymore, but she wanted to hear his reasons.

Jungsoo-oppa lowered his head again, as if in shame. His voice was small when he finally said, “I didn’t want you to think I was weak.” He glanced at her, and she saw that his eyes were teary. “I thought if I said anything to you, you would think that I was being stupid – that I couldn’t even handle my own career. That I was laughable. It’s a job I chose, and I shouldn’t be feeling like this. It is stupid, I know, but . . . I was so lonely, and I wanted to tell you, but I just – ” His voice broke, and he let out a sob that yanked Taeyeon’s heartstrings painfully. Seeing him like this . . . she could feel tears gathering in her own eyes, too.

“Sorry,” Jungsoo-oppa whispered, wiping his eyes quickly. “I’m sorry, Taeyeon. You didn’t need to see this. I shouldn’t – ”

“Listen,” Taeyeon ordered, and though she didn’t sound at all authoritative because she was on the verge of tears too, she was going to give him a piece of her mind.

“You’re ridiculous. Do you really think you’re weak just because you feel stressed and overwhelmed like any other human being?” She wiped furiously at her eyes, but it was no use; she really was beginning to cry. “Do you really think it makes you laughable to have vulnerabilities and open up about them? I’m here for you. I’m with you, oppa – I’ll always be with you. Don’t you dare think otherwise.”

The tears were streaming down her cheeks now, but she could see and hear that Jungsoo-oppa was crying, too. With nothing left to say, Taeyeon opened her arms, and he sank into her embrace, his face buried in her neck and his head tucked under her chin. Taeyeon could feel his body shaking with the force of his sobs – or was that her? Or both of them?

“I love you,” she whispered. “That won’t ever change, especially not because of this.”

He didn’t reply, but he didn’t need to; the way he relaxed in her arms, unraveling and letting himself be at his most vulnerable in front of her, was more than enough response for her to know that he understood.

~

They lay cuddled in the bed facing each other, Taeyeon’s face pressed snugly against Jungsoo-oppa’s chest. His arms were wrapped securely around her waist, and one of her hands was in his hair, idly toying with the dark brown locks. God, she thought as he rubbed her back in a soothing fashion, I love you.

“I love you,” Jungsoo-oppa murmured. She felt his lips press against the crown of her head. Suddenly craving his lips against hers – they hadn’t actually kissed the entire time she’d gotten to his apartment – Taeyeon tilted her chin upward and pressed her lips to his.

She meant it to be just a sweet, chaste kiss, to reassure herself and reassure him that everything was fine now, that everything was good now, but Jungsoo-oppa cupped a hand against the nape of her neck, brushing away strands of her hair, and deepened the kiss, turning it from just a press of lips to a slotting of his mouth against hers. He was almost insistent as his teeth closed gently around her lower lip, and suddenly, Taeyeon felt heat pool in her stomach. Involuntarily, she let out a breathy gasp.

She felt his tongue slide across the seam of her lips, his request obvious. Her temperature rising by the second and her veins thrumming in excitement, Taeyeon had no reason to refuse, and every reason to accept. She parted her lips to give him entry and felt the hot, wet muscle of his tongue sweep the inside of her mouth. No crevice was left untouched, and Taeyeon moaned, fisting her hands in Jungsoo-oppa’s shirt.

He broke the kiss but remained so close that their noses were practically touching. Taeyeon could feel his breath fanning against her face, and she pressed her thighs lightly together in an effort to quench the rising heat between them. “Oppa,” she whispered, her mind fogging over with desire.

The word seemed to set something off inside of him. With a soft, throaty moan, Jungsoo-oppa maneuvered himself onto his back, and his arms wrapped around her waist meant that in doing so, he pulled Taeyeon up on top of him. She found her hands pressed against his chest, her legs open on either side of his waist, and her core . . . it had made contact with that through their clothes, that organ that was still soft but that she could feel beginning to harden. Taeyeon couldn’t help herself – she let out a full moan this time.

Looking down, she saw that Jungsoo-oppa’s eyes were half-lidded, pupils blown wide. “Taeyeon.” His voice sounded half-murmur, half-groan, and Taeyeon’s eyes involuntarily widened as he bucked slightly against her.

Wanting more, she leaned down and captured his lips. They parted almost instantaneously, like he had been waiting for this moment, and his hands snaked upward to land on her waist before the soft tug on fabric let Taeyeon know that he had fisted his fingers in the hem of her sweater. She broke their kiss to look him in the eyes, and his stare was questioning. May I?

Wordlessly, Taeyeon lifted her arms above her head, and getting the hint, Jungsoo-oppa sat up so that they were both upright, although her legs were still wrapped around his waist. He pulled her sweater up and over, exposing the simple white tank-top that she was wearing underneath.

Not intending to be the only one in a state of undress, Taeyeon pulled at his sweater too, and Jungsoo-oppa repeated her motions to help her slide it off of him as well. As she gingerly peeled the fabric from his body, an idea sprang to life in Taeyeon’s mind, and she had to suppress an anticipating smile. She dropped the sweater, wrapped her fingers around the hem of his shirt, and pulled upward, watching with rapture as each inch of skin was exposed to her eyes. Almost in a trance, she ran her fingers over the smooth flesh of his stomach. Against her, she could feel Jungsoo-oppa shiver.

That area between her thighs was all but throbbing now, but with her legs wrapped around Jungsoo-oppa’s waist, Taeyeon couldn’t press them together to relieve the sensation. Instead, she found herself grinding her clothed core against Jungsoo-oppa’s covered cock, gasping. As she rolled her hips gently into him, Jungsoo-oppa’s eyelids pressed together, his lips parting slightly. A groan escaped him, and Taeyeon could feel him hardening further. The knowledge that she was the one eliciting this reaction from him made her bite her lip in an attempt to control herself.

Feebly clinging to the remnants of her composure, Taeyeon couldn’t contain the demanding nature of her body language as she pulled at Jungsoo-oppa’s shirt, her desires obvious. He submitted without resistance, and she could feel his eyes burning into her as she removed the article of clothing.

Feeling almost pinned under Taeyeon’s intent stare, Leeteuk swallowed. Her gaze was hungry as it raked over his body, like she wanted to take all of him into herself and keep him there forever. Hazily, he thought that that wouldn’t be so bad, not at all. That if she wanted him to, he would willingly give himself to her without a moment’s hesitation.

Taeyeon met his gaze only briefly, taking note of his wide eyes, his lust-blown pupils, before her focus shifted lower; over his defined chest to the muscles rippling in his arms to his flat, packed stomach. Unconsciously, her tongue darted out, dragging over her bottom lip as she briefly let her eyes feast.

Tossing Jungsoo-oppa’s shirt somewhere off to the side, she placed her hands on his chest and gently pushed him down so he was laying on his back, his head on the pillow. Jungsoo-oppa followed her non-verbal commands, but she could feel his fingers tightening around her waist. His gaze still drank her in like she was his last drop of water in the midst of a desert, but she could see curiosity there too now.

Taeyeon lovingly, slowly, pulled Jungsoo-oppa’s hands from around her hips and lay them on the mattress. Never breaking eye contact with him, she crept down his body until her face hovered above the waistband of his jeans.

Realization flared. Jungsoo’s lips parted as another whimper escaped – Taeyeon’s intentions were obvious, and they had blood rushing to his cock just thinking about them. He squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to ignore the sensation of his hardening, trying to resist the urge to buck his hips and plead for her to hurry.

His body jerked as something too warm and too broad to be fingers closed over the zipper of his jeans. Cracking his eyelids open, he was met with a sight that had his head snapping back against the pillow and a desperate moan falling from his lips: Taeyeon, staring up at him salaciously, her full lips taking the zipper into her mouth and pulling it down. He closed his eyes for the thousandth time, but he couldn’t rid his mind of that dirty image, already fully ingrained into his memory.

The tent in his pants was unmistakable and rising. Taeyeon smirked, wrapping her fingers around the waistband of his pants. Probably realizing what she was trying to do, Jungsoo-oppa stirred and raised himself to his elbows. “Let me,” he said, considerate as usual, but his voice was thick and his gaze was clouded over with lust.

Taeyeon stopped him gently. “No, oppa.” Her voice was firm. “Tonight is all for you.”

Jungsoo could practically feel the endorphins secreted into his bloodstream and pumping through his system at her words. She loved him – she loved him, she wanted to satisfy him, she wanted to make him feel good, and no drug could be more addicting than that knowledge. He groaned, falling back onto the mattress. “Don’t just say things like that, Taeyeon.”

Her only response was a hum before she pulled, tugging his jeans down. Jungsoo dragged in a breath as he felt the waistband of his pants brush over his cock, but he managed not to make any more sound. Trying desperately to remain still and quiet, he fisted his hands in the bedsheet as Taeyeon tugged his jeans down over his thighs, then his knees, then his feet. There was a soft rustle of fabric as she dropped the article of clothing onto the ground in front of the bed. He heard her inhale slowly and looked up at her to find her staring at the mortifyingly obvious tent pressing up against the skin-tight fabric of his boxers. (And he was certain that there was a wet spot from his pre-cum.) A part of him expected her to tease, but she didn’t say anything. Somehow, that made him more on edge.

And it felt euphoric.

Jungsoo shuddered lightly as he felt Taeyeon’s fingers around the fabric of his underwear, peeling it off. He sighed with relief at the release of pressure as his cock was freed from the constraints of the material.

Taeyeon stared down at her boyfriend, drinking in the sight of him in all his glory. He looked ethereal and inhuman; his head thrown back in the pillow, his long neck arching beautifully, to his muscled shoulders, long and strong arms, his rippling abdominals, and his toned legs. But what most drew her eye at the moment was the deep V of his hips tapering down to his cock, the tip glistening with gathering wetness.

He was well on his way to being fully hard, she noted appreciatively.

Jungsoo-oppa had stored pent-up tension inside him for several days on end by now, and it was Taeyeon’s intention to make sure he was fully relieved of it by the end of their activities. Locking her eyes on his face, she wrapped her fingers around the base of his cock. The organ was warm and instantly hardened further at her touch. His lips parted in a silent groan, his eyes squeezed shut as he basked in the sensation of her hand on him. And when she swiped her thumb over the head, his hips bucked. “Taeyeon.” His voice was breathless, almost strangled, and all but moaning.

“You can’t get so excited yet, oppa.” Taeyeon was practically purring, like a satisfied cat that had gotten exactly what she wanted – which, Jungsoo thought, gritting his teeth – she probably had. Gazing up at her through strained eyes, it wasn’t until that moment that it dawned on him that he was completely naked, on full display for her gaze, and she was still clothed, still in a tank top, a bra, jeans, and underwear. Jungsoo growled, low and soft. He wanted to rip her clothes off and drink in the sight of her body like she was with him, hold her down and push his cock inside her, slowly and sensually so she felt every –

She moved back up and stole his attention again, flattening her hands gingerly on his chest, supporting most of her weight on her legs placed on either side of his waist. Even through her clothes, Jungsoo could feel heat radiating from her core, searing and impossible to ignore. Desperate, his cock pulsing, he rolled his hips upward in an attempt to make contact, but she let out a disapproving tsk-tsk and moved away, removing her right leg from its perch and putting it next to her left so that she was no longer straddling him.

“Oppa.” Her voice was chiding, casual and innocent, like she wasn’t in the middle of teasing him to the brink of his sanity. A guttural moan escaped Jungsoo as she chastised, “If you won’t control yourself, I’ll stop.” She stroked his head softly, long, slender fingers sifting through his hair. The soothing sensation of petting on his scalp was a sharp contrast to the throbbing in his cock, and Jungsoo was sure that if she didn’t relieve him soon, he’d be in pain from being so hard.

“I won’t indulge a spoiled brat,” Taeyeon continued. “Understand?” Almost idly, she traced an index finger down the length of his cock and, powerless to resist, Jungsoo hissed out in agreement. He didn’t think he could speak for the arousal overflowing in his stomach, between his legs, engulfing his entire body, but Taeyeon wasn’t satisfied. Her finger came to rest on the very head of his cock, directly on the slit. “Pardon?”

The groan that fell from his lips sounded desperate, even to himself. “Yes.”

“Good boy.” The words had Jungsoo’s toes curling, his fingers gripping at the bedsheets, almost in agony. Fuck. It wasn’t often that he was submissive in bed, but somehow Taeyeon had caught on quickly just how it made him feel when he was. She shifted on the mattress, and Jungsoo heard the rustle of fabric again. He peered through his lashes to see Taeyeon pulling off her jeans and panties, both at the same time. His gaze fell to her center, hidden in shadow.

Her lower half now naked, Taeyeon placed her right leg back into its previous position on the side of his waist so she was again hovering over him. Even without touching, Jungsoo could tell that she was absolutely soaked.

The touch of her damp folds against the tip of his cock almost felt like an electric shock, as sensitive as she had made him. Jungsoo gasped, his hands instinctively gripping Taeyeon’s waist, but she wasn’t finished. She dragged herself backward a few centimeters, resulting in the top half of the head of his cock tracing the slit of her core, her juices gathering on his tip. A whimper tumbled past Jungsoo’s lips.

“Are you liking that?” Taeyeon’s voice was low, sultry, and fucking addictive, and Jungsoo couldn’t do anything in reply except tighten his grip on her hips, frantic and needy.

“Do you want more?”

“Yes,” he groaned. “Yes.” He was so hard, so desperate, that he was sure he would lose his mind if she didn’t lower herself onto him. Barely managing to focus on her face, Jungsoo found it all too easy to resort to begging when her sweet core was so close, so warm and so inviting. “Please, Taeyeon. More. I need . . . I need it . . .”

“Need more what? I can’t give you anything if I don’t understand what you mean, oppa.”

How could she keep her voice so casual while she was all but flashing her entrance in front of him? Jungsoo tried to reply, to say something, but somehow, the need to have her had become so great that he couldn’t find a way to express it in words.

At his silence, Taeyeon sighed disappointedly and pulled his hands from her waist. Jungsoo’s eyes popped open in shock at her sudden coldness; she couldn’t be –

She is, he realized when she began to shift away from him, reaching for her jeans and panties in a crumpled heap of fabric at the corner of the bed.

“No,” he gasped. “No, wait. Wait a minute.”

He really did sound needy, frantic, pitiful. The knowledge that he had even reached this state of desperation – it might sound strange, but tonight, it aroused Jungsoo even more.

So he gripped her hips before she could move off of him. Taeyeon’s eyes, which had been directed toward her clothes, returned to him, but she didn’t look surprised at all. It was obvious that she knew he would hold on to her, do anything to keep her from stopping. And really, Jungsoo didn’t care. He was past the point of worrying about keeping his pride intact.

“Let me fuck you,” he moaned desperately. Her gaze was unreadable as she looked down at him, and the coldness in her eyes juxtaposed with the blazing heat of her body, it somehow egged him on. “Oh, God, please, just let me fuck you. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t – ”

She lowered herself onto him, guiding his cock into her depths, and Jungsoo threw his head back into the pillow as he felt her warm, wet walls settling around the throbbing organ, taking him in like a second layer of skin. She felt so good, so tight and inviting and soft, and he was half afraid that he would come even before she started moving.

Taeyeon rolled her hips, and Jungsoo dug his nails into the delicate flesh under his hands, all sense of his dignity lost and no longer mattering. Groans fell from his lips as she fucked herself on his cock, her insides molding deliciously around him, hot, slick, silky soft. She felt so good. Too good.

A moan from Taeyeon had Jungsoo peering up at her, wanting to catch a glimpse of her in the midst of her pleasure – wanting to see the ecstasy that he was giving to her. The sight his eyes fell upon was lovely, ethereal. Taeyeon’s face was flushed, her long, dark hair spilling around her cheeks and down her pale neck and shoulders. Her full lips were parted in a blissful gasp, her eyes closed as if drowning herself in sensation. A strap of her white tank top had fallen down her shoulder, revealing just the tiniest hint of her bra to his eyes.

Practically on instinct, Jungsoo slipped his hands under the flimsy material of her tank top, his fingers creeping over the warm, smooth flesh of her stomach. She was damp with sweat, he realized; they were both damp with sweat, and the thought egged him on. Reaching her chest, Jungsoo hooked his fingers over the material of her bra and pulled it down, watching as her breasts plumped forward against the thin fabric of her shirt.

Without hesitation, he took her breasts in his hands and kneaded them, swiping his thumbs over her rapidly hardening nipples. He just had time to think that the gasp Taeyeon let out at that was like music to his ears before his attention was stolen by the slight twist of her hips. His vision seemed to go out of focus as he moaned at the sudden and intense burst of pleasure.

Unable to control himself any longer despite his earlier resolution to remain still, Jungsoo bucked his hips upward, meeting Taeyeon’s motions halfway. She was already so wet, and he slid out of and thrust back into her easily, the end of his cock pressed against something velvety deep inside her. The result was a burst of satisfaction that had white flaring behind his eyelids. Above him, Taeyeon moaned, and with some degree of smugness, Jungsoo could feel her beginning to tremble against him. Her movements were becoming less calculated and more frantic, aimed at chasing after her completion rather than keeping him in line, and the thought that it was him that was slowly cracking her composure, it sent electric bolts through his veins.

Jungsoo pounded into her harder, hands coming back up to cup her breasts. His fingers circled, touched, and flicked her nipples through the fabric of her shirt, and every whine, every gasp, every sound that his motions elicited from her spurred him onward.

Through his foggy haze of arousal, looking up at Taeyeon as she rode him, her head thrown back and her thighs flexing around him and her mouth gasping for air, it struck Jungsoo again just how sublime she looked. She was ethereal – easily the most beautiful creature that he had ever laid eyes on, and she was willingly giving herself to him, willingly taking him into her folds.

Groaning, his cock swelling, Jungsoo thrust his hips upward, aiming for that spot again while his right hand left Taeyeon’s breast and descended between her legs to thumb her soaked clit.

She leaned, or more aptly, fell, forward towards him so their noses were nearly touching, and Jungsoo could feel her tightening around him as her climax grew ever closer. Encouraged by her raw, primal reaction and wanting fiercely to see her find her end, he maneuvered his hand so he could roll her swollen nub between his thumb and forefinger gently.

Taeyeon all but devoured his lips with her own, her nails digging into the skin of his shoulders as she shook and moaned through their kiss. Jungsoo noticed the tensing of her muscles, the trembling of her body, the intensity of her cries of pleasure, and knew what was coming a second before it happened.

But fuck, did it feel good anyway when it did. Her walls contracted around him almost violently, milking him for all he was worth, and Jungsoo had to break their kiss for the rapturous surge that told him that his orgasm was just barely hovering out of his reach. As Taeyeon rode out her climax, he continued to thrust frantically into her, his entire being focused on reaching that high point that would bring him soaring to heaven, filling her –

Taeyeon reconnected their lips softly, stroking his sweat-damp hair from his face with deft, delicate fingers. Her voice was gentle, but somehow through the roaring in his ears, Jungsoo heard her with perfect clarity as she whispered those three words.

“Come for me.”

Helpless to do anything but obey, Jungsoo felt his entire body shuddering beneath her warm, reassuring weight as he found his completion, spilling inside Taeyeon’s searing heat. The cry of bliss that ripped through the night air was desperate and satisfied and pleading all at once, and it wasn’t until he began to come down from his high, trembling and clinging to Taeyeon for dear life, that Jungsoo realized it was his own wail of pleasure that had permeated his hearing.

They remained still for a moment as they caught their breath, their panting loud and clear against the renewed peace of the late hour. Her breathing still heavy, Taeyeon shifted off of Jungsoo-oppa. She sighed a little at the loss of him inside her, but overall, her body was tingling with the pleasant aftershocks of orgasm, the area between her thighs was wet and warm with both their essence, and she felt more than satisfied.

Glancing down at her boyfriend, she couldn’t help but smile; his eyes had fluttered closed, traces of the blissed-out expression from his orgasm still noticeable on his angelic visage. Burrowing next to him and pulling the blanket over their naked bodies, Taeyeon propped herself onto her elbows and ran her index finger idly over the seam of his lips, still swollen from their earlier kiss. At her touch, Jungsoo-oppa opened his eyes, his expression soft.

“I love you.” He still sounded the slightest bit breathless, but nothing could possibly have been more sincere, she was sure. She felt affection swell in her chest as he turned on his side towards her and pressed a tender kiss to her forehead. Taeyeon hummed, appreciating the sensation of his soft lips against her skin. “I love you too.” I mean it. She didn’t know how she could express the complete honesty of her words – she didn’t know what she could do to make him understand just how much he meant to her. ‘I love you’ was such a common phrase, and before Jungsoo-oppa, it had never been one that elicited any sort of appropriately moving feelings in her. With him, though, she understood just how special ‘I love you’ could be – and yet, it still didn’t feel like enough to let him know the depth of her feelings toward him.

Glancing at the clock on the nightstand, Taeyeon saw that it was nearly 12:30 in the morning. There was no time to replace the sheets, but she could at least try to prevent them from getting too dirty. Squishing Jungsoo-oppa’s face gently between her hands, she kissed the tip of his nose, more for her own pleasure than as any display of affection. It just satisfied her to be able to do these little things with him. “I’m going to take a shower. You can come if you want, to save time.”

He smiled sheepishly and swiped a hand across his forehead, still glistening with sweat from their bedroom activities. “Now that you mention it, that would be prudent,” he admitted, reaching up and brushing a strand of her hair away from her eyes.

Taeyeon slid out of the bed, her eyes on Jungsoo-oppa’s closet into which she had carelessly thrown her clothes earlier. A T-shirt and shorts should be good enough to change into for bed, she thought as her two feet touched down on the floor, wincing a little bit to feel some of the essence that Jungsoo-oppa had emptied inside her earlier sliding down her naked thighs. They’d have to do some cleaning tomorrow, she was sure.

“Taeyeon.”

That was Jungsoo-oppa. She stopped and glanced back at him to see that he had sat up in the bed and was looking at her. But he wasn’t meeting her eyes. He wasn’t even looking over her body, clothed only in a flimsy tank top and nothing else, with that glazed look of wonder that she often saw on his face. No, he was staring straight at the place between her legs, where his seed was dripping from inside her, and his dark brown eyes looked almost black. She couldn’t tell if it was lust or just a trick of the light, but then he suddenly stood in all his unclothed glory, grabbing her forearm insistently, although nowhere enough to hurt.

The change in demeanor, from tender and almost awed to assertive and firm, would have had Taeyeon reeling in surprise when they first began to engage in the more physical aspects of a romantic relationship, but by now, she was used to it.

No, it was more than that; if she was going to reveal a secret guilty pleasure, it made her temperature spike sharply, seeing the sudden and overwhelming hunger in Jungsoo-oppa’s eyes as he pulled her back onto the bed with him. Heat stirred in her core again.

It was belied by his polite demeanor and his easy humor in public eye, but truthfully, Jungsoo-oppa was quite the freak.

He maneuvered them so that he was sitting on the bed and she was straddling him. Taeyeon could feel his cock, pressed lightly against her thigh and stomach, starting to harden once more as he unabashedly stared between her legs. She was caught between surprise at how blatant he was being and a strange sense of bashfulness under his intense gaze.

He leaned forward, his forehead settling into the crook between her neck and shoulder, his breath fanning against her collarbone. The guttural moan that fell from his lips and the further hardening of his organ had Taeyeon snaking her hands around his neck and whimpering lightly. She had only orgasmed minutes ago, but her core was already pulsing with desire again.

“God,” Jungsoo-oppa all but snarled, his tongue darting out to lap at the delicate skin at the base of her throat before sinking his teeth in, enough to make her jolt deliciously but not enough to draw any blood. “You look so beautiful with my cum dripping out of you.”

The tender compliment at the beginning of his sentence didn’t match the crude words at the end, but she found that it was part of his appeal at the moment, and the loving, almost reverent manner of his thumb pressing gently around her left nipple through the material of her shirt, had Taeyeon gasping. She wanted him inside her. Again. Whimpering, she rolled her hips against his and was rewarded with a hiss from her boyfriend as the tip of his cock made the barest contact with her folds.

Jungsoo-oppa pulled his face away from her neck, looking at her with searing eyes. Taeyeon gasped in shock at his zeal as he practically tore off her tank top and bra before she had time to react, his gaze devouring the sight of her. She noticed his tongue swiping across his bottom lip as he studied her naked body, and the desire that pulsed through her veins at the sight had her digging her fingers into his skin. She bucked against Jungsoo-oppa, trying to relieve the pulsing between her legs, but his hand coming down harshly on her rear end stopped her short. Stinging pain swelled against her skin, throbbing and hot, but it only added to her lust. She whimpered, wanting nothing more than to soothe her desperation, but his warning was more than clear. Don’t.

So she obeyed, no matter how much her body was screaming at her to do otherwise.

That didn’t stop her from pleading, though. “Oppa,” Taeyeon whined. “Please.”

“Please what?” Jungsoo-oppa’s voice was nothing if not casual, but Taeyeon realized what he was going for anyway. Her eyes widened.

“I can’t give you anything if I don’t understand what you mean, baby,” Jungsoo-oppa purred, repeating her earlier phrase when she was teasing him, word for word. And if she was being honest, Taeyeon loved it. She loved being on top of him, riding his cock, teasing him and making him moan desperately, but she also loved it when he was assertive like this, turning her behavior back onto her and reducing her to the moaning mess.

Her insides throbbed, begging her to do something, anything, but Taeyeon didn’t dare move her hips for the possibility of what Jungsoo-oppa might do next if she disobeyed his order. Instead, she merely fought to keep herself still as he trailed his fingers almost thoughtfully along her inner thigh, closer and closer to her core. His thumb against her clit had her gasping and burying her face in the crook of his neck.

“Oh God,” she whispered. “Oh God, oppa, please.” She was repeating the word ‘please’ like a mantra, but that was the only word that could accurately convey how she felt at the moment. Please. Please.

Jungsoo-oppa stroked her hair softly, a tender look in his eyes. “On your hands and knees, baby.”

Wordlessly, already knowing how this game worked, Taeyeon practically scrambled to obey, climbing off of her boyfriend’s lap and settling on all fours on the mattress. All sense of shame was gone, completely engulfed by her need to feel him inside her. Her heart was pounding along with the insistent throbbing at her core, impossible to ignore, and her mind was thrumming with the possibilities as she felt the mattress shift with Jungsoo-oppa’s movement. He was innovative and experimental; he always had so many great ideas, so many ways to work her up. Would he –

Her mind went blank as he nudged her legs wider apart to settle between them and she felt the very tip of his cock against her soaked folds. She twitched, wanting nothing more than for him to press forward into her, wanting nothing more than to shift backwards into him so he was inside her, but she didn’t dare. Behind, Jungsoo-oppa groaned, hands coming around to grip her waist tightly. She could feel the heat of his body against the back of her thighs.

“Fuck,” he whispered. “You’re absolutely soaked already. Do you want me inside you that badly?”

Taeyeon couldn’t respond. Too swept up in the sensations raging through her body, the endorphins pumping through her blood, she dug her fingers into the bedsheet as Jungsoo-oppa traced a finger up her slit, just barely brushing against her swollen, throbbing nub. She whimpered, her wetness amplifying the intensity of the momentary pleasure that laced through her body like an electric shock. “Oppa,” she whined. “I need you.”

He chuckled, but the sound was hoarse and throaty with desire, and Taeyeon was reminded that he was probably as desperate to be inside her as she was to have him inside her and just controlling himself for the sake of their show.

It was all a delicious game, one she loved to play.

“You have me,” Jungsoo-oppa said, his voice husky as he lovingly tracing a warm hand over her spine. “Now and forever. I’ll never leave your side.”

His feigning ignorance was maddening enough, but somehow, the fact that his words were so sweet and caring in this situation made Taeyeon even more desperate. She moaned, wriggling her hips in an attempt to ease the aching desire between her legs. It didn’t work. “Not like that,” she hissed, the sharpness of her voice rising with her frustration. “Inside me. I need you inside me, now.”

Of course he wasn’t going to give her anything with her demanding outburst, but Taeyeon couldn’t help herself in that moment. She didn’t care, couldn’t care how he reacted just then, her rationale completely overcome by a haze of need, lust, and hormones. Now that she had exploded once and released some tension, though, Taeyeon felt the barest hint of delicious trepidation creep into her. Jungsoo-oppa wouldn’t let that burst go without conseque –

His force of his thrust jerked her body forward, and Taeyeon shrieked in both surprise and pleasure, completely and utterly caught off guard by the move. She couldn’t stop to evaluate it, though, not when Jungsoo-oppa’s hips pulled back and snapped forward again, driving him into her. His cock into her dripping channel. With a high-pitched cry, she fell onto her elbows, raising her rear end higher into the air to grant him a better angle. His pace swiftly increased until he was pounding absolutely ruthlessly, slamming in and out of her and rocking her body with each movement.

“Like this? Is this what you wanted, baby?” Jungsoo-oppa cooed between his harsh thrusts. “To be bent over and fucked until you can’t speak?” A particularly forceful snap of his hips had Taeyeon moaning, her toes curling as she buried her face in her hands in an attempt to smother the cries being ripped from her. Behind, Jungsoo-oppa groaned as he pulled out and buried his cock inside her again in one swift, practiced movement. His tip pressed against that spot deep inside her, and Taeyeon saw stars. She cried out, barely aware of what was happening around her, the world narrowing entirely down to no one but herself and Jungsoo-oppa, his cock thrusting rhythmically in and out of her. The pleasure was a force as unstoppable as gravity, ripping through her body and completely dashing any logic.

The sensation of a hand in her hair, gently sifting through strands of her hair and stroking her scalp, made Taeyeon start. It was a pleasing feeling, no doubt, but a kind of pleasing that was so completely different from the kind that his hips and his cock were eliciting. The contrast was so stark and sharp that it confused her, forcing her brain to focus on both kinds at the same time. It was a combination that was overwhelming and just toeing the line of being too much.

“You look so needy and desperate for my cock,” Jungsoo-oppa breathed, his voice rough and guttural, throaty with pleasure and with the physical exertion of their current activity. “Such a little slut.”

Taeyeon moaned. That was all she could do, moan, as his length pumped in and out of her, filling, stretching, driving her to the edge of insanity. The sound of skin slapping against skin only faintly registered in her mind as she whimpered into the mattress, still not over her shock at the force with which Jungsoo-oppa was thrusting into her. She dimly, faintly thought that for someone who’d looked so tired and wan not even an hour ago, he was absolutely vigorous. Then even that notion was gone, replaced by white nothingness as he reached forward and under and swiped his index finger harshly over her right nipple in perfect time with a particularly well-placed snap of his hips.

Taeyeon heard herself shriek.

“You scream like you want the whole world to know what we’re up to,” Jungsoo-oppa commented breathily, in between heavy panting. His fingers traced up and down her sides as he thrusted sharply, sending currents of satisfaction through her veins. “Is that what you want? For everyone to know how well I fuck you?”

The question was likely rhetorical, but Taeyeon shook her head anyway – as much as she could through the cloud of pleasure fogging her brain. Some days the answer might have been yes, but today she wanted the privacy, the intimacy, of having Jungsoo-oppa all to herself. That didn’t entail other people knowing about their bedroom activities, no matter how much she believed (and was secretly proud) that he was the most thorough, most satisfying lover she had ever had.

“No?” Jungsoo-oppa questioned, and then his hand came down hard on her rear, as sharp as an electric shock. Taeyeon sunk her teeth into the skin of her hand, fisted on the mattress, as stinging pain laced over her flesh, swelling and throbbing deliciously and complementing Jungsoo-oppa’s thrusts beautifully.

“Then what do you want, baby?” he purred.

Suddenly, right then and there, bent over on the bed and being mercilessly pounded into the sheets, Taeyeon saw an entire future, and entire lifetime, stretch out before her eyes. Walking out in public together, being able to appear on TV shows without denying and laughing off any rumors about them. Two rings. A banquet hall, a groom suit, a wedding dress. Jungsoo-oppa standing in front of her, taking her hands, kissing her. A shared home with a beautiful view of the sunrise and sunset. Waking up every day to the sight of Jungsoo-oppa, asleep next to her. Two children, a girl with Jungsoo-oppa’s eyes and her nose, and a boy with her mouth and Jungsoo-oppa’s sleekly angular features.

“You,” Taeyeon gasped. “I want you.”

His hips stuttered. All movement stilled, and she whined in protest at the absence of his heaviness within her, but Jungsoo-oppa didn’t seem to notice. “Say that again,” he whispered.

“I want you.”

A raw moan fell from his lips, hot and frantic, needy and desperate. Pressing a kiss to her shoulder, he hooked an arm around her waist, turning her over onto her back and pushing her onto the bed. His gaze was a tangled, heated mix of lust and wonder, like he was seeing her underneath him again for the first time.

Suddenly overwhelmed with a powerful, consuming wave of affection, Taeyeon looped her arms around his neck and pulled him down into an insistent kiss. He more than returned her ardor, lips against lips, tongue against tongue, and as they kissed, he gently pushed her legs apart, positioned himself between them and thrusting into her once more; deep and rough, forceful and demanding. Taeyeon threw back her head, moaning aloud, and Jungsoo-oppa focused on her neck and jawline, kissing, nipping, and sucking, his hips still rolling diligently the entire time.

“Oppa,” she groaned, squeezing her eyes shut as tears filled them from the depth with which he penetrated her. Her body was rocking, swept up in the force with which he made love to her, and it was all she could do to wrap her legs around him, pushing him deeper inside, angling him perfectly so that each deep, rough thrust connected to that spot inside her that had her crying into the night.

“Look at me, baby,” Jungsoo-oppa demanded, his fingers sweeping across her forehead, gently brushing stray locks of her hair behind her ears. Doing as she was told, Taeyeon fought against instinct and forced her eyes open. The sight that greeted her was incredibly attractive. His eyes were half-lidded in bliss yet seeing only her, strands of hair damp with sweat plastered around his forehead, his lips parted in a silent moan. His gaze never left hers, even as his right hand maneuvered gingerly between their bodies and his fingers pressed, rolled, and fondled her clit. The pad of his thumb ran over the throbbing nub gently.

Her release crashed over her in mind-shattering waves, and, powerless to resist, Taeyeon clung to Jungsoo-oppa for dear life, burying her face in the crook of his neck to muffle her cry. Despite the overload of sensation arcing through her nerves like electricity, she heard his desperate groan as her walls clenched around him, his hips still rocking against hers as he chased his own high. Wanting to help, she waited, whimpering and gasping, for her orgasm to subside, before purposely tightening her inner muscles and squeezing down on his twitching cock.

And that was all it took. Crying out into the night, Jungsoo-oppa came explosively inside her, his face twisting with the intensity of his pleasure. Taeyeon couldn’t help marveling at what a beautiful sight it was. Rolling her hips to encourage him, she stroked his scalp, cooing into his ear as he came and reveling in the way that he shuddered at her touch.

His seed filled her, coating her insides and making her tremble, and as crude as such a thing might sound, in that moment, it was beautiful.

He collapsed on top of her, the previously taut muscles in his body going lax, and for a few seconds the only sound that could be heard was their panting as they caught their breath. Then Jungsoo-oppa moved, pressing his lips to the side of her neck in a gesture of affection. With a smile, Taeyeon playfully nipped his earlobe in response. She unwrapped her legs from around his waist, letting them rest limply on the bed, sapped of all her energy.

Jungsoo-oppa rolled off her and onto the mattress at her side, close enough for their shoulders to be pressed against each other’s. For her part, Taeyeon remained immobile for a minute, taking a second to be grateful for the fact that their earlier argument hadn’t ended badly – it’s ending was quite wonderful, actually, if the warm stickiness between her thighs and the satisfying tingling in her body were any indication.

Smiling at the thought, she sat up and pulled the blankets crumpled at the corner of the bed over both of them before settling down into the mattress, facing Jungsoo-oppa. It was only as she stilled, having found a comfortable position, that she saw that he was gazing at her. His expression was almost awed.

“Why the stare?” she asked, curious to know why he was looking at her so reverently. It wasn’t a stare that he hadn’t directed at her before, but, she realized, it was her first time asking him directly.

Jungsoo-oppa started as if brought out of a trance. He blinked once, then twice, before his eyes focused on her. A soft smile lit up his face, making him look twice as angelic. “It’s just,” he said, wrapping an arm around the small of her back and pulling her close so that their bodies slotted together, “sometimes I have trouble processing it.”

“Processing what?”

“That you’re . . . you. That you’re here with me.”

Feeling her heart squirm, Taeyeon cupped his face in her hand, running her thumbs across the soft skin under his right eye. “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be,” she assured him.

“Really?” His voice was small, uncertain, hopeful. It made her want to cry, but she wasn’t going to ruin this moment.

“Really.” Taeyeon scooted closer so their noses were nearly touching. “I’ve never been surer of anything.”

She went to pull her hand away, but Jungsoo-oppa caught it in his much larger one. Squeezing slightly, he brought the hand to his mouth and began to press gentle, open-mouthed kisses to her fingers. Taeyeon watched him, her chest feeling tight and painful, but somehow, it wasn’t at all in a bad way. It was more like her love for him was overflowing, too much and too potent to be trapped inside just one body.

Really, she had never loved anyone as much as she loved him.

Jungsoo-oppa finished peppering her hand with kisses, but instead of releasing her, he intertwined their fingers and clutching fiercely as if he never intended to let go.

“I love you,” he said. It was quiet, almost a murmur, but the fervor behind those words could have lit up the entire world. “It’s such a commonly used phrase, but I do. I love you.” He kissed her on the lips, chaste and sweet and tender. “And I’m sorry. I’ll be better. I’ll be a better man to you, Taeyeon. I promise.”

“Don’t try to be perfect,” Taeyeon murmured, leaning into him and closing her eyes in contentment. “We’re both human; we’ll have disagreements. But let’s not let those disagreements damage us. Okay?”

For a moment there was silence except for the sound of their soft breaths. Curious, Taeyeon couldn’t wait more than a few seconds before opening her eyes, wondering why he wasn’t responding. When she saw why, the earlier wetness that had been drying from around her eyelashes began to dampen again.

Tears were trickling silently down Jungsoo-oppa’s face, trailing over his nose, his mouth, his cheekbones. He was staring at her like she was the only thing that had ever existed in the universe – the only thing that would ever exist in the universe. “Okay,” he repeated, his voice whispery and broken.  

Forcing herself to smile, Taeyeon leaned in and kissed him softly again. He wrapped his arms around her waist and held her against him, and it reminded her a little bit of a child in need of comfort.

Taeyeon blinked back her tears. If that was the case, she would be more than happy to be there to give him that comfort, forever. Burying her head underneath his chin, she closed her eyes, and for one of the few times in her life, her mind wasn’t racing. It was emptied, completely stagnant, and completely content. For some time, a time she didn’t bother trying to keep track of, the two of them just lay there silently, basking in the comfort of each other.

At last Taeyeon stirred, gently loosening Jungsoo-oppa’s arms and sitting up. “Alright,” she said with a smile, “I need to shower. And I think you definitely want to join me.”

Jungsoo-oppa sat as well, swiping a hand through his ruffled hair. He looked better; his eyes were brighter, the lines of tension had completely vanished from his face, and his posture and body language were relaxed and satisfied. Good, Taeyeon thought fondly. He more than deserved some rest.

He smiled tenderly at her, flashing that famous dimple, and as usual, her heart melted.

“You’re right.”

[jmaria200]

Sweet Pain

05/28/2018

Sweet Pain

05/28/2018

The first full day of the new eating lifestyle has come and gone and I’m in such need of a piece of strawberry licorice. I not sure if I should call it a diet(actually you don’t lose weight this time around), a lifestyle, torture, etc. It’s official name is The Whole 30, another food fad that attempts to right the wrongs of the American diet. This time sugar, specifically processed sugars,(you know everything that tastes great and is addicting), preservatives, starches are the enemies and the Whole 30 commands you to get rid of them, cold turkey. Instead you are beholden to meat, nuts, fish and other proteins and fruit for thirty days.

My wife, a worse junk food junkie than me, is on the hunt for the latest ways to curb her yearnings and this was her latest find. Having long waged the secret inner war with my sweet tooth face it almost all of us do, I signed up and even after the first day I’m craving good old fashioned sugar. Lord, what would we do without it in this country? Maybe not be so fat? I’ve decided to keep this online journal of my progress and my pain over the next 30 days.  

5/29/2018

I feel lethargic, my mouth is constantly watering, and my head is fuzzy, . This marks the second day of the Whole30. Food, once reliable comfort, has become a antagonist. The kitchen is a mine field where I must step carefully. It is so easy to pluck out a sensual chocolate covered marshmallow from a red colored box and bite into it. The food I can eat sits like a bag of sand in my gut. It keeps me sustained but not happy.

I’ve read some of the literature and what I’m going through is quite normal and it will get worse before it gets better. My body is converting slowly converting from sugar based fuel to fat fuel (apparently good fats) however it doesn’t know how to do that yet so I am sluggish. I think I will accompany this blog with some research on the story of Americans obsession with sugar and processed foods. Writing will help distract me.  

5/30/2018

Here I am two days behind. I’ll try to catch you up. I’m going to try to focus on not what I and my wife are doing this meal plan but why we’re doing it. Why this radical life change? I found this list symptoms from a website of a fitness expert. Guess what these refer too. 

Anxiety

Changes in appetite

Cravings

Flu-like symptoms

Depression

Mood changes

Dizziness

Fatigue

Headaches

Shakiness

Changes in sleep patterns

Weight loss

Stomach flu? Food poisoning? Nope. These are the symptoms of sugar detox. Yep, that’s right. This is what happens if you take sugar out of your diet and I’m not talking about cookies and ice cream and chocolate. This plan goes much deeper: bread, pasta, beans, etc. All of these types of food are broken down into sugars in your body and sugars are being linked to inflammation, bad skin, poor mood, etc.

Now America is the land of diets and eating fads as in the end we as a society have little idea of what to eat and what is good for us. If this meal plan sounds like one the many movements out there that finds its enemy: fat, gluten, carbohydrates, etc and profits off getting people worked up about it, your right and I agree. More to come on this.  

6/8/18

It is now day 11 of the Whole 30 food plan and clearly my attempts to keep up with this blog on a regular basis have failed. This is a conglomerate of previously mentioned twin infants that need near constant car and the mission to find not only summer employment but full term employment.  I can easily recap most of what has happened in those missed days.

First, I feel I must break away from food talk only and integrate my career story as it is the other side of the coin that is my life right now and it is in trouble.  My job history has been a floundering mess. I won’t go into all the gritty details as I feel they’ve been with me for at least a quarter of my life here on earth and they can get repetitive and depressing.  Let’s say I had little idea of what I wanted to do coming out of college. I tried a few different fields usually based more on “this interests me” than real research. This tactic did not work very well. The pile of temporary, part time, and “road not taken” jobs grew and grew and, at forty two, I have yet to have a steady full time job. I discovered a love of teaching in my mid thirties, specifically freshman composition at the community college level, but I have remained woefully underemployed as an adjunct for five of the six part years.  This lack of opportunity is a combination of the need for excessive education and experience for even entry level positions, the ongoing deterioration of the the writing career field, and the heightening level of competition.  I also believe my subdued personality does not help my chances.  I now have a family that depends on me and I’ve been able to do no better than a one year contract for the small Onondaga community college in upstate New York.  Since then I’ve tried to shift into high school teaching. Once again the need for degrees and certification is rigorous. I have a master’s degree, albeit not in education, and was led to believe by the recruitment people of Anne Arundel community college master’s in education program that I could potentially land temporary teaching employment while gaining my certification. The Baltimore County public school systems didn’t seem to see it this way.(go figure) I’ve also had little to no help in figuring out what to put in my application packet to make me a more attractive candidate.  Since the Onondaga success, my job search has become a rather dark cycle of sending out applications and getting rejections.  Being a daddy doesn’t allow me much time to network and I tend to be poor in this area. I’ve sought out help from the state career program, but it is painfully slow.  I take time to write about because I think the cumulative effect has become a mixture of depression and anxiety. Depression? That word is scary what with two celebrities having recently committed suicide in thew news. I have a family history of it. I have felt worn down and isolated lately but could it be that? Not knowing for sure is more worrisome which might lead to more depression. I go to bed anxious over money, anxious that my family will be well off, and wondering how many more years I need to struggle. II worry about retirement of course. I’ve scraped and saved what I could but without a solid income it’s going to be woefully inadequate. Could it be depression? I keep searching out some signal of depression in my consciousness as if I might uncover it but people who are depressed generally aren’t good at diagnosing their own condition. It’s hard to link the physical symptoms to something mental. 

So what do I do? Well, I’m working hard to stay focused, to get more organized, but I need the help of others and that help is hard to find. I need career help. I’m leary of the integrity of paid career consultants but how long can I keep floundering? I can see this summer will be tedious. It will be about slowly piecing together the knowledge to get a foot in the door in high school and probably working a part time job that is a poor fit to get there. I will need strong doses of positivity and support in my life and a real sense of direction. I’m not sure where to find that right now. I love Aurora but she is not strong at being emotionally supportive, at least not for me.  I will have to do some research on where I can find the help I need. I will leave my story there for now.

Whew, one of the best functions of writing is catharsis, to get one’s thoughts out there. It’s not pretty but it’s necessary. I wrote the previous section because it captures what is happening outside of the Whole30 and being a father and is vital to how I have been feeling over the past four days both mentally and physically. At first I’d naturally thought my symptoms were linked to the change in eating habits, but last Wednesday they took a real turn for the worst. I hadn’t felt that strange in a long time-just heavy and thick headed with blurry vision and shortness of breath. Each day I’ve felt a little better thankfully. I went to the doctor today to rule out physical cause. She didn’t find anything obvious but I still have blood labs pending that the neglected to get done. The intense labor of the Whole30 hasn’t helped my mood. No single meal is a simple grab and go and the constant preparation is taxing. in fact, I must bring this blog to a close now.

6/23/18

We are a nation of sugar addicts. “Two hundred years ago, the average American ate only 2 pounds of sugar a year. In 1970, we ate 123 pounds of sugar per year. Today, the average American consumes almost 152 pounds of sugar in one year. This is equal to 3 pounds (or 6 cups) of sugar consumed in one week” (www.dhhs.nh.gov). Sugar is everywhere in our diet slipped into breads and bacon to make them more desirable so we eat more. Here’s the little secret that is not really a secret: these foods are desirable while not satisfying so we eat more and more so we buy more. Food companies figured this out a long time ago. It’s good for business and bad for people. These are one of the tenants of the Whole 30, to become aware of how we are being manipulated this way. Whats more, like many business influenced trends, these machinations only become really effective when they are normalized by culture. Just think about how many American cultural norms involve sweets and processed food of some form: cakes at birthdays, drinking alcohol at social gathering, cheap vending food at sporting events. If you want to stand out at just about any social gathering  American society, try avoiding foods with sugars and processed foods.  Many conversations this way leading inevitably to discussion of the Whole 30. This was one of the most surprising side effects of being on this meal plan. I and my wife had to educate the waiter of a expensive steak house in Washington D.C. on the guidelines of our meal plan. Most dining out experiences will be this way. Sorry, but we can’t eat ninety five percent of the food on the menu. 

Just walking into a grocery store, I was shocked by how much was off limits: pasta, cereal, juice, etc.  That was one of the great challenges of this diet. What could we eat? Obviously, there was meats and vegetables and fruits but what about diary? beans?. They don’t have added sugar, right?  While diary and things like beans did not have added sugar they include sugars and other chemicals that aren’t necessarily healthy.(For more on this read the accompanying book It Starts With Food).  If you’re skeptical at this point, I’m understand. I’m still a skeptic. After all, the Whole 30 is another lifestyle program, one of many products that is being marketed to the public in the age of food confusion in this country.  

7/1/18

Promises, Promises...

“Systemic inflammation” seems to be the catchphrase behind the Whole 30. (There’s a lot of food science behind this that I won’t go into. Again read the book). The jist of systemic inflammation is that bad foods silently hurts your body. Over time this damage shows up as illnesses including allergies, depression, and diabetes. Eating foods that contribute to both physical and psychological well being can lead to better health. This idea seems legitimate enough but then the authors also include anecdotes by people with illnesses ranging from lyme disease to diabetes whose symptoms disappeared after being on the Whole 30. You can practically hear the credibility of the writers straining here. I had eczema before the Whole 30 and and I still have eczema after it. All in all, taking sugar out and adding more protein is beneficial to people but let’s hold off on the miracles.

While I’m on the topic of veracity, I can understand the authors of the Whole 30 exaggerating the effects of their meal plan- after all maybe one person out there with lyme disease did experience an improvement in their symptoms and, if this doesn’t happen, no one would necessarily be worse off-since their plan seems sound and is self directed for the most part. I didn’t need to constantly by products from the authors of the Whole 30.  But what about those companies that, for all intensive purposes, are influential on our health, what about the stories that the food industry tell? 

“the post-crash world appears to have become much more cynical about the behavior and motives of corporations.” (Beatte).  Unless you’ve been “off the grid” for most of your life you’re probably all too familiar with the constant avalanche of ads that are forced upon Americans everyday so much so that, like me, you’d do anything to get away from them. Now I’ve already covered the influences of advertising in another part of this blog; however, the food industry holds a special place among advertisers as, for better or worse, they often determine what we put in our bodies in this country and this isn’t necessarily due to their popularity but a well designed combination of market control and addiction.

The master plan

The current state of the American diet is, like most institutions, a result of the interaction between corporations, the government, and the individual where each party is both influential and under the influence.  However, what is key here is that the influence of the individual has eroded significantly over the years unless they happen to be wealthy enough to be influential. Government has responded more to these wealthy and corporations creating more and more of a corporate dictated agenda.   

The Food Guys

If you do a little research you’ll find that thanks to constant mergers and take overs about ten mega corporations control most of the U.S. food production. Think about that, just ten! Some are well known like Pepsico, which owns Tropicana, Quaker, Lays, while others are more obscure like Unilever that owns Knorr, Good Humor, and Skippie. Regardless, you can bet you’ve eaten something made by one of of these ten companies recently.  Much like health care and airline travel, a key aspect of weakly regulated capitalism is that power in the form of market control can be consolidated in the hands of a few major players and this is scary especially when it comes to our food.  These companies may not necessarily set out to give people cheap, poor quality food  but this arises out of an effective business model that calls for high profit and low cost and if one is successful they can dominate the market. This model may work for computers or cars but not necessarily food. 

Now before I go on lambasting corporations there are some important details to cover.  A good capitalist would probably argue that companies are simply responding to market demands. This is one of the classic “pass the buck” phrases business people use to recuse themselves(and it drives me crazy)but it is important to consider. Keep firmly in mind the question: “Who has helped create these market demands?”

Today, people have less free time to prepare and consume their meals. Yes, this seems to be the trend ever since the post World War II years when consumer culture took off in this country and packaged, processed food along with it. Appliances became more commonplace in the home, woman started to go to college and get jobs outside the home, and the car became more available. One of the largest changes in the household was the television. Now with the help of the tv dinner one could watch their favorite shows and eat at the same time. Over the years the cost of living has increased, wages have stagnated, and people have to work more than ever to keep up. Business stepped up and what started with the tv dinner has slowly blown up into a full industry of packaged, processed food. These foods were tasty and easy to make. How many times has these phrases been uttered in a food commercial?  Consider though who has influenced many of these lifestyle changes? Who has increased the working day, kept wages generally flat, and increased costs? The general picture is that businesses have either through direct influence or through influence on government public policy and today Americans are probably more stressed and less healthy than every before.

Consider how foods are advertised in this country. Let’s take the Coca Cola corporation. Coca Cola is best known for their soda but they also control a large percentage of what we drink: Perrier water, Minute maid juice, and Nos energy drink. Coca Cola often uses images of young, hip looking people smiling and drinking their soda(Heck, what company out there doesn’t use young, hip, ethnically diverse people to sell their product? That is a generalization...let us continue). These ads remind you that drinking soda (pure sugar and other flavorings in carbonated water) can be fun and social, so much more than just soda. There is of course no mention that soda with destroy your teeth and probably cripple your health over time. An advertiser would have to be insane to let on such information about their product. But imagine if they did. If there was a disclaimer at the end of soda commercials. Would it make a difference? I’m betting not and this is where the addiction factor comes in. Look at smoking. It is well known that smoking can cause serious health problems and even death.There are commercials and prints ads constantly advertising these facts yet people continue to smoke because it is addictive. In the information age, people generally know the health threats of drinking soda over a life time yet they still do. This is where individual choice does come in(more on this later) and, as mentioned before, sugar is another addictive substance and companies rely on this.

The Coca Cola corporation doesn’t claim their product is healthy but many other companies do. Take cereals. Breakfast cereals are often so processed that there is little nutritionally value, yet companies put labels on like “part of a balanced breakfast”, “containing vitamins A, B....”, “5 whole grains”. Companies attempt to replace some of the lost nutrition in these foods but they are far from healthy. Also any nutrition is offset by the amount of sugar in these cereals. This is especially tragic when one realizes that some of the worst cereals are marketed to children with flashy cartoon characters, logos, and commercials. I admit it wouldn’t take much for me to eat a bowl of Count Chocula even now knowing how bad for me it is. That is growing up in this country. I hope different for my children, but the corporate machine is hard to escape.

The Men in Black

“Read the farm bill, and a big problem jumps right out at you: Taxpayers heavily subsidize corn and soy, two crops that facilitate the meat and processed food we’re supposed to eat less of, and do almost nothing for the fruits and vegetables we’re supposed to eat more of.” (Haspel)

Healthy food like fruits and vegetables are usually more costly to grow and transport and organic food can’t use chemical pesticides,herbicides, or genetically modified organisms. Since the 1930′s the United States government has subsidized (helped pay for) farming in this country to protect our food sources as raising food can be unpredictable.  The Farm Bill began with good intentions but the money has slowly been funneled to supporting a few crops like corn and soy that are versatile and can be broken down and used in many processed and unhealthy foods. Consider that our government is supporting the production of poor quality foods? What does this mean for us? It means the commonly cited downsides of the the American diet: diabetes, obesity, heart disease, etc. all given a stamp of approval by politicians who are pledged to watch out for us. On the plus side not being subsidized is often favored by farmers as they don’t need to meet the regulations set by the government but it still means people will pay more.  People do have the choice not to eat these foods, but realistically not everyone can afford these costs and, if they can’t, people become trapped eating unhealthy food cycles not to mention deepening the already aggravated class divide in America. It’s much easier to get potato chips than organic fruit. Organic apples are on average three dollars a pound(which means about two) while potato chips are three dollars a bag. You can eat a lot more chips for the same money but the chips are sad, empty calories but, as I mentioned earlier, people will buy and eat them not because they are healthy but we have slowly become wired to do so. Currently slashing or stalling social welfare programs is the trend in government. Public policy has become heavily influenced by corporate interest over public good due in large part to funding of campaigns by companies and the wealthy ergo there is little possibility right now.

Choice of the People

Our American class structure can be seen in our food. The neighborhood I currently live in, which shall remain unnamed for reasons of privacy, is considered marginal. People are more often working class and black. This neighborhood was also known as a urban food desert for some time.(One neighborhood over is a wealthy, mostly white neighborhood with a high end, albeit expensive grocery store). Food deserts are areas without a decent source of healthy foods. They exist in the poorer sections of many major U.S. cities including New Orleans, New York, and Memphis. 7-11′s and corner bodegas often don’t count. In fact, the convenience store is one of the greatest offenders concerning food choice. They have made food too convenient. Just look at the shelves of any convenience store.

A low end grocery store finally came to this neighborhood. They stack most of their products on the floor instead of on shelves, their staff is poorly trained, and, while the store does sell fresh produce and even a little organic food if you look hard, the majority of the products are standard processed foods: Drakes desserts, chips, processed meats, etc. I’ve watched people in line with carts filled with soda. I can’t be too critical as I was making poor food choices all the same, but not on this level. Why does anyone would need ten bottles of soda? The evidence is in the obese bodies and poor skin. Yet, people consume these foods. This can be for three main reasons: they are aware but apathetic, they aren’t aware, they are aware but not doing enough or following one the ineffective “diets” out there. Often the poor and working class fall in the second category.

Back to Biology

Early humans had to eat what they could kill or gather(Raising crops for a stable source of food came later). We subsisted on meats, berries, nuts, etc. These were necessary, nutritious sources of protein and fiber. Fats and sugars were rare and highly desirable as they meant easy calories especially for lean times. This is where our evolutionary biology was cemented and still functions this way, but now we are provided a plethora of cheap fats and sugars everywhere. They taste good and give us a quick boost. But these foods don’t provide sufficient nutrition so we are constantly needing to eat more and more while gaining mostly empty calories and health problems. This makes sense if you stand back and think about it. This is the “addiction” factor that aids companies in getting us to eat poor quality food. The food makes us feel good in the short term, but in the long run we crash and need more. Thus, the “addiction” factor.

Apple or Ring Ding?

While sugar, fat, and salt can be addictive and some people have financial problems, ultimately people choose what they put in their bodies and their bodies will hold them responsible. This is especially true when we are people who know or suspect what we eat is bad for us and continue to do so.  I believe this is tied to an idea I’ve brought up before, our culture. America is the land of opportunity where we can all have the American dream that are really just that for most of us, a dream that we continue to cling too. This ability to better ourselves is both beautiful and tragic. America is a society whose people struggle to face it’s darker sides instead burying them in indulgences or placing blame elsewhere. This collective denial makes us extremely malleable. We are already primed to believe in our food, our politics, our society.  No matter how self destructive over time vices become misconstrued as personal rights. By buying gas guzzling vehicles, shopping, indulging in poor quality foods, collecting dangerous guns we declare our freedom from the system when it’s the system that is providing these.  This beautiful psychology that companies can only cheer us on and count their money. Buy more. Eat more. Excess is wonderful. Be rebellious and trendy by buying phones and drinking soda. Companies let us down, cheat us, and we still buy their products and elect officials who take their money.  We grumble when the government doesn’t punish these companies but we don’t either. Despite having mentioned the short comings and influences of corporations and government, it is up to us to determine what is good for us. I believe what we’ve lost sight of the most in this country is the sense of personal advocacy and a sense of unity to stand up ourselves, the power of the customer, of the voter. Instead we fight and criticize and go along.

The experience of the Whole 30 has helped me be a healthier person, but it has really helped me take action and reconsider my perspective concerning the food I eat. I’ve tried to relay the many facets of what I’ve learned here for others who may be curious. Also I should end with there are some positive changes on horizon.  Organic food is now available in more grocery stores than ever before. The fast casual restaurant offer healthier choices that have eaten into the profits of fast food companies like McDonald’s, all because educated customers have demanded it. However, changes need to come from the top down, from the government and that is where the real hard work comes in because first we need to heal the rifts in our society. Then maybe we can eat better.

7/5/18

The Results.

The end of the Whole 30 has arrived, well, it actually arrived more than a week ago so clearly I’m not a dedicated diarist. I’ve also done the “reintroduction” portion of the meal plan where by I bring back the foods I’ve given up.I’m going to discuss both the small scale and bigger picture results of this experiment.

The results:

I can taste more, For example, fruits are sweeter and meats are richer.

I have more consistent energy.

I don’t get as hungry between meals.

I don’t have the craving for added sugar that I once did but I can tell from sampling foods with added sugar that it is quite easy to go back.

Diary is hard on my stomach.

Alcohol gives me a headache even after one glass of wine

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Phlegm, Dampness and Chinese Medicine

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Internal Dampness & Phlegm

Dampness and phlegm are accumulations that occur in the body that may make us feel 'phlegmy' or just heavy and tired. When our diet is out of sync with our body, our mind is working overtime, or when the weather is very damp and humid, we tend to become stagnant with damp and phlegm.

Dampness is generally considered a thicker/heavier viscosity than phlegm, however may be less obvious in physical signs. Dampness is sensed in the heaviness of the body and fogginess of thinking, and can be seen in the tongue coat.

Phlegm is thinner and manifests in a runny nose or wet type of cough.

Symptoms of Dampness & Phlegm

· Foggy head

· Poor memory

· Difficulty waking up in the morning

· Low energy, especially after eating

· Loose Stool

· Poor concentration

· Leucorrhoea

· Wet-pustulent skin conditions

Signs of Dampness & Phlegm

· Swollen tongue with teeth marks

· White coating on tongue

· Runny nose, especially after greasy/dairy food

· Slippery pulse

One of the signs of dampness is a thick tongue coating and swelling of the tongue body. Sometimes the coating of the tongue is very thick and white, especially in people that consume a lot of dairy such as yoghurt and milk. These people often also scrape the coating of their tongue as it is so thick! This doesn't treat the root of the damp problem, just removes one of the indicators.

Damp and phlegm accumulate for a few different reasons. We can initially break the causes down into 2 categories: Internal and External routes.

Internally damp/phlegm may accumulate due to:

1. Overthinking/stress leading to a deficiency of the spleen qi (digestive energy) which can't cope with all the damp foods being ingested, thus leading to a sluggish digestion.

2. Poor diet. Too much dairy, greasy, oily, fatty, sweet, cold, raw and rich natured foods.

Externally damp/phlegm may accumulate due to:

1. Humid environment. Tropical weather. Air-conditioner blasting on you during a hot day for long periods of time.

2. The two weeks between each season change, and especially the end of summer which is considered the 'late summer' or 'damp' time of the year when we expect dampness to accumulate.

Chinese medicine is based on the 5 element theory. Fire, Earth, Metal, Water and Wood.

Each element relates to a season, organ, emotion and function etc. Dampness relates most closely to earth. The earth element relates to late summer, and the organs of the spleen and stomach.

The job of the spleen and stomach is to convert food and water to energy and the rest to waste. However, sometimes when this system is run-down and can't convert things properly, due to a rich diet for example, there is an excess residue left over that can't be disposed of efficiently called dampness. Chinese medicine also states that when the dampness over flows from the earth element, it is contained in the metal element; this being the lungs and large intestine. This can explain why sometimes we eat greasy fish and chips or a milk shake and get a runny nose, cough or diarrhea.

Dampness is heavy and likes to drain down and out. Sometimes it can't do this as it gets blocked and gluggy. There are a few ways we get rid of damp. First we want to reduce the foods that are adding to the problem. Then we want to use herbs and acupuncture to either open the pores of the skin to disperse through sweat, purge through the stool or drain through urination. Then we will strengthen the digestion using a bland diet, exercise, herbs and acupuncture.

Matter and Energy

A good way to explain Chinese medicine and what we call 'digestive fire' is through basic physics principles.

Matter and energy. The two fundamental aspects of nature are fire and water. We can refer to these 2 elements as matter (water) and energy (fire). Everything is a form of matter and energy, matter being a more condensed form with less vibration and energy as a more dispersed and insubstantial form that has highly vibrational electrons and protons.

This said, the two are interchangeable; life and nature are always moving and changing. We are made up of matter and we are driven by passion, emotion, will and love, in this case we can say this is the 'energy' or fire that is life. Thus, we are made up of matter, driven by energy. But what fuels this energy? Food, air and water. So we have life, or this 'inner fire', and we want to add fuel or wood. What kind of wood would we add to a campfire?

What burdens the digestive fire?

When we want to make a good fire, we need good, light and dry wood; like kindling. We notice when we put green sticks on the fire it smokes and dulls the fire. Likewise, if we put a large log of wet wood on the fire, we're likely to extinguish it totally.

The spleen and stomach like dry, light food. Thus heavy, oily, greasy, raw and dense foods are not the kind of thing to strengthen an already weak digestion. It is like throwing a big heavy wet log on a small fire. Goodbye fire!

We need to start with easily digestible grains and foods that are cooked well and not overly processed. This is our kindling.

Foods to reduce dampness & return digestive fire

Cooked whole grains: Rice, Oats, Barley, Rye, Millet, Quinoa, Pearl Barley, Buckwheat, Amaranth, Corn

Veggies: Beans (if you can tolerate from the gas), celery, pumpkin, turnip, alfalfa, leafy greens

Meat/Protein: Small amounts of well cooked (even slow cooked/stewed) are good and damp draining. Beef, Lamb, Chicken.

Spices/Herbs: Ginger is great to warm the digestive fire, especially in congee. Cardamom, cinnamon, fennel, paprika, cumin and pepper are all warming to the digestion.

Foods to avoid that increase dampness & reduce digestive fire

Basically, too much raw, cold, sweet, oily or mucous-forming foods.

Too many raw fruits, vegetable, sprouts, juices, cold food from the fridge, salad, sushi in excess.

Late night eating

Over eating

Not chewing properly

Processed foods such as pastries, pork, duck, salads, wheat grass, avocados, bananas, tofu, soy milk (soy is 50% fats and oils), eggs, chocolate, ice cream, smoothies, iced water, lassies, dairy.

A raw food or salad diet sounds great and cleansing but may not be beneficial for everyone. A person who is very hot, red faced with a strong constitution will benefit a lot, however a skinny, pale, tired person will become worse. This is all due to their condition, digestive fire, and diet.

Further improving digestion and reducing excess weight

When the digestive fire is reduced and we put in more of the wrong foods, we get a left over residue. This is what we call dampness. This dampness is energy that has become more substantial, matter. This left over matter may be deposited as fat or turn into more solid matter such as cysts.

The way to reduce this occurring is:

Reducing damp accumulating foods

Restoring digestive fire

Become active and exercise daily

Clearing your mind with meditation and relaxation breathing

Chris Eddy Dr of Chinese Medicine

[ad_2] Source by Chris Eddy

Source Here: Phlegm, Dampness and Chinese Medicine

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Phlegm, Dampness and Chinese Medicine

[ad_1]

Internal Dampness & Phlegm

Dampness and phlegm are accumulations that occur in the body that may make us feel 'phlegmy' or just heavy and tired. When our diet is out of sync with our body, our mind is working overtime, or when the weather is very damp and humid, we tend to become stagnant with damp and phlegm.

Dampness is generally considered a thicker/heavier viscosity than phlegm, however may be less obvious in physical signs. Dampness is sensed in the heaviness of the body and fogginess of thinking, and can be seen in the tongue coat.

Phlegm is thinner and manifests in a runny nose or wet type of cough.

Symptoms of Dampness & Phlegm

· Foggy head

· Poor memory

· Difficulty waking up in the morning

· Low energy, especially after eating

· Loose Stool

· Poor concentration

· Leucorrhoea

· Wet-pustulent skin conditions

Signs of Dampness & Phlegm

· Swollen tongue with teeth marks

· White coating on tongue

· Runny nose, especially after greasy/dairy food

· Slippery pulse

One of the signs of dampness is a thick tongue coating and swelling of the tongue body. Sometimes the coating of the tongue is very thick and white, especially in people that consume a lot of dairy such as yoghurt and milk. These people often also scrape the coating of their tongue as it is so thick! This doesn't treat the root of the damp problem, just removes one of the indicators.

Damp and phlegm accumulate for a few different reasons. We can initially break the causes down into 2 categories: Internal and External routes.

Internally damp/phlegm may accumulate due to:

1. Overthinking/stress leading to a deficiency of the spleen qi (digestive energy) which can't cope with all the damp foods being ingested, thus leading to a sluggish digestion.

2. Poor diet. Too much dairy, greasy, oily, fatty, sweet, cold, raw and rich natured foods.

Externally damp/phlegm may accumulate due to:

1. Humid environment. Tropical weather. Air-conditioner blasting on you during a hot day for long periods of time.

2. The two weeks between each season change, and especially the end of summer which is considered the 'late summer' or 'damp' time of the year when we expect dampness to accumulate.

Chinese medicine is based on the 5 element theory. Fire, Earth, Metal, Water and Wood.

Each element relates to a season, organ, emotion and function etc. Dampness relates most closely to earth. The earth element relates to late summer, and the organs of the spleen and stomach.

The job of the spleen and stomach is to convert food and water to energy and the rest to waste. However, sometimes when this system is run-down and can't convert things properly, due to a rich diet for example, there is an excess residue left over that can't be disposed of efficiently called dampness. Chinese medicine also states that when the dampness over flows from the earth element, it is contained in the metal element; this being the lungs and large intestine. This can explain why sometimes we eat greasy fish and chips or a milk shake and get a runny nose, cough or diarrhea.

Dampness is heavy and likes to drain down and out. Sometimes it can't do this as it gets blocked and gluggy. There are a few ways we get rid of damp. First we want to reduce the foods that are adding to the problem. Then we want to use herbs and acupuncture to either open the pores of the skin to disperse through sweat, purge through the stool or drain through urination. Then we will strengthen the digestion using a bland diet, exercise, herbs and acupuncture.

Matter and Energy

A good way to explain Chinese medicine and what we call 'digestive fire' is through basic physics principles.

Matter and energy. The two fundamental aspects of nature are fire and water. We can refer to these 2 elements as matter (water) and energy (fire). Everything is a form of matter and energy, matter being a more condensed form with less vibration and energy as a more dispersed and insubstantial form that has highly vibrational electrons and protons.

This said, the two are interchangeable; life and nature are always moving and changing. We are made up of matter and we are driven by passion, emotion, will and love, in this case we can say this is the 'energy' or fire that is life. Thus, we are made up of matter, driven by energy. But what fuels this energy? Food, air and water. So we have life, or this 'inner fire', and we want to add fuel or wood. What kind of wood would we add to a campfire?

What burdens the digestive fire?

When we want to make a good fire, we need good, light and dry wood; like kindling. We notice when we put green sticks on the fire it smokes and dulls the fire. Likewise, if we put a large log of wet wood on the fire, we're likely to extinguish it totally.

The spleen and stomach like dry, light food. Thus heavy, oily, greasy, raw and dense foods are not the kind of thing to strengthen an already weak digestion. It is like throwing a big heavy wet log on a small fire. Goodbye fire!

We need to start with easily digestible grains and foods that are cooked well and not overly processed. This is our kindling.

Foods to reduce dampness & return digestive fire

Cooked whole grains: Rice, Oats, Barley, Rye, Millet, Quinoa, Pearl Barley, Buckwheat, Amaranth, Corn

Veggies: Beans (if you can tolerate from the gas), celery, pumpkin, turnip, alfalfa, leafy greens

Meat/Protein: Small amounts of well cooked (even slow cooked/stewed) are good and damp draining. Beef, Lamb, Chicken.

Spices/Herbs: Ginger is great to warm the digestive fire, especially in congee. Cardamom, cinnamon, fennel, paprika, cumin and pepper are all warming to the digestion.

Foods to avoid that increase dampness & reduce digestive fire

Basically, too much raw, cold, sweet, oily or mucous-forming foods.

Too many raw fruits, vegetable, sprouts, juices, cold food from the fridge, salad, sushi in excess.

Late night eating

Over eating

Not chewing properly

Processed foods such as pastries, pork, duck, salads, wheat grass, avocados, bananas, tofu, soy milk (soy is 50% fats and oils), eggs, chocolate, ice cream, smoothies, iced water, lassies, dairy.

A raw food or salad diet sounds great and cleansing but may not be beneficial for everyone. A person who is very hot, red faced with a strong constitution will benefit a lot, however a skinny, pale, tired person will become worse. This is all due to their condition, digestive fire, and diet.

Further improving digestion and reducing excess weight

When the digestive fire is reduced and we put in more of the wrong foods, we get a left over residue. This is what we call dampness. This dampness is energy that has become more substantial, matter. This left over matter may be deposited as fat or turn into more solid matter such as cysts.

The way to reduce this occurring is:

Reducing damp accumulating foods

Restoring digestive fire

Become active and exercise daily

Clearing your mind with meditation and relaxation breathing

Chris Eddy Dr of Chinese Medicine

[ad_2] Source by Chris Eddy

Source Here: Phlegm, Dampness and Chinese Medicine

[mmaboxingequipment-blog]

Ayurvedic Body Type and Diet Recommendations

Ayurvedic Body Type and Diet Recommendations Ayurveda recommends foods for people according to their primary body type. The reason this is done is because it is believed foods can be both healing, and the source of imbalance and difficulties. By eating foods according to our Ayurvedic body type, the belief is that we will accumulate less Ama, or waste, in the body. In Ayurveda, people are classified according to three principles, vata, kapha, and pitta. But it's important to understand that although we may be dominant in one principle, we actually have all three present in our body. The others are in a smaller ration. Most people will actually be a combination of two of these principles, with the third only playing a minor role. But because we all contain the three, any of them can get out of balance. Pitta Characteristics of Pitta dominant body types * determination * strong willed * good digestion * initiative * energy * passionate about many things Ayurveda's Pitta constitution is calmed by cooling foods, such as fresh fruit and vegetables. Bitter green vegetables like watercress, parsley, collards and most greens suit pitta. Fruits that suit pitta body types include sweet berries, sweet apples and apricots, coconut, figs, mango, sweet oranges and pineapples, plums, watermelon, pomegranates, and prunes. Other cooling foods include most dairy products, though sour cream, hard cheeses, and yoghurt don't really suit pitta due to their being too high in fat, salt, or sour. But dairy that suits pitta includes milk, cottage cheese, soft cheeses, and ice cream! Grains that suit pitta body types include barley, basmati rice, and wheat (unless you are allergic or gluten sensitive). Pitta body types generally like a lot of protein, and they probably need a little more than the other Ayurvedic body types. Spices that are cooling in nature are also important. These include coriander, cumin, mint, parsley, dill and fennel. Garlic should be avoided though as it is too heating. In terms of sweets, Pitta body types should use maple syrup, barley malt, brown rice syrup and honey that is 6 months or less old, preferably raw. Things that can imbalance Pitta body types: * excess heat, hot climates, and hot times of day * humidity * vacations and times when there is increased mobility * excess oil in the diet * too many hot foods, including spicy foods. But this can also mean too many cooked meals * excess caffeine, salt, red meat and alcohol Vata Characteristics of people with a dominant Vata body type: * flexibility * quick mind * creative * always on the go - mentally and physically Dietary choices that support vata aim at grounding this energy-in-motion. Routine is also very helpful, though not naturally something vata body type people will create! Vata people benefit from meditation, warmth, soothing music, taking breaks, and resting (again, not a natural vata inclination!). With regards foods, vata body types should include warming spices, including ginger and cloves, anise, cayenne, cinnamon, garlic, horseradish, caraway, mint, mustard seeds, parsley, cooked onion, paprika, rose water, vanilla, tarragon, thyme and rosemary. People with the vata body type should minimize raw food, including salad, though salads should not be eliminated completely as they provide valuable nutrients. But vata should ground the salad with a dressing made from oil and vinegar, and be aware of the weather at the time of eating it. Being more sensitive to cold, vata's should have salads on warmer days. Icy cold drinks are not balancing for vata - in fact quite the opposite. Sugar also throws vata types off balance, though vata are lucky in that they can enjoy other sweets. Vata generally love fruit, and it suits their ayurvedic constitution. The exceptions are apples, pears, cranberries, watermelon and dried fruit. Vata types should go for sweet and moist fruit, like mangoes, nectarines, bananas, coconut, fresh figs, peaches, and strawberries. Cooked grains like oatmeal, basmati rice, and brown rice, are very grounding for the vata ayurvedic constitution. Beans (legumes), on the other hand, are not! Beans are cold, dry, and heavy - not the attributes that support vata. Things that can imbalance vata dominant body types include: * a lot of travel, especially by plane * loud noises * constant stimulation * drugs, sugar and alcohol * cold climates (especially extremely cold ones) and cold food * frozen and dried food Kapha Characteristics of people with a kapha dominant body type: * strength * stamina * endurance * groundedness * calm * fluid Kapha body types are not suited to a high protein diet like the Atkins diet. Not only should they avoid too much fat, but also, excessive heavy protein. The kapha quality is already heavy, and although this doesn't sound great, it is what provides Kapha body types with a wonderful stability and strength. Kapha should have light and low fat protein. Beans, with the exception of soy and soy products, are great for kapha. Soy milk is preferable to dairy though, for kapha. Beans help move kapha's energy, and digestive system, a bit. Barley is also excellent. In terms of meat, chicken and turkey suit kapha. Kapha body types should have plenty of vegetables, including bitter vegetables, peppers, broccoli, brussel sprouts, cauliflower, eggplant, lettuce, onions, potatoes, mushrooms, corn cobs, peas, beets, and celery. Dairy is heavy and cooling, and it does not suit the Kapha ayurvedic body type. Light and crispy food, like corn tortillas and popcorn, suit kapha. Kapha people should make sure they have variety in their diet, as kapha body types have a danger of falling into a rut more than others. Asian and Latin American style meals are great for kapha. They are spicy and light, free of dairy, and have plenty of vegetables in them. Things that can imbalance Kapha body types: * inertia * too much fat in the diet, including oil we cook with! * dairy products * not enough stimulation and challenge * not enough variety * not enough exercise * too much bread, iced foods and drinks, and sweets References: Amadea Morningstar and Urmila Desai, The Ayurvedic Cookbook http://fighteraccess.com