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nyxzee · 6 months

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i debated putting this on my art blog but as a point i've been vocal about this shit since it happened and i'm still fucking livid about it all despite how fucking long ago it was. this is going to be linked in my pinned posts so as a heads up, warning for all types of abuse, self harm (including a detailed description), suicidal ideation, suicide attempts, overdose mentions, intense mental health shit, ableist narratives and gore along with mistreatment from the fandom

hi, i'm nyx, this blog used to be called emeridan and my old main was bardofmotherfuck - i was one of the gamzee fans who was sent gore, the wish i kill myself, and other abuse for identifying with gamzee. this wasn't a "oh lol funny clown he's goofy like me" i identify with him due to abuse trauma, due to being an addict and mentally ill. because i was hurt deeply by religion and losing my faith caused me to fall into bad fucking shit. to slightly minor extents i identify due to the friendship and romantic issues he had, fuck gamzee makara even had me, a then 20something realize i was bisexual and nonbinary! to a more intense one i identify with him because his agency was taken away and he was made a slave to other peoples horrific intentions - which isn't fun as i hope you'd imagine. i used to have a tag for the vent art i did involving the makara line (blood, gore, abuse all in this tag as you'd expect someone with severe trauma to have in vent art)

i'm not unique in this. there are a lot of gamzee fans who dealt with this. it was a huge fucking issue, it happened on msparp too, to the extent they posted about it happening because it was so fucking frequent. there are multiple gamzee fans i used to follow on tumblr who were sent the same and worse shit. i'm not mentioning them because even to the ones still into homestuck content, this shit was traumatic. i'm a petty bitch so as a protest i only drew gamzee for a while! (just in case these are the real time posts from my main: 1, 2), i have this account from 2015 here, i have this mentioned again here. this fandom abuse has been established well for me, it started 9 months into my homestuck art centric blog after all!

i'm still here in spite of people wanting me to kill myself. honestly despite being petty and boastful in still being here about it when it happened i wasn't actually feeling like that in real life. shocking i know. i had an intense cutting period due to it, i'm still scared of having my submit open, i still want to vomit whenever i get an email that anyone's sent me anything. i've seriously considered suicide a lotta times because i was so frequently told i was in the wrong, i've still got methods in mind and whenever i take my regular medication for the chronic pain shit i think things would be better if i flat out just took everything and didn't wake up ever again. a lotta it is real life trauma, but i used and still use homestuck (and especially gamzee) to help with that.

i talk about it whenever i see a brief chance to, i just haven't screamed loudly in a while that this abuse happened. i find screaming that i'm hurt exhausting and i'm still pretty sure someone will end up giving me shit - and for what i'm doing in this fucking post i'm damn fucking sure i've painted a target on myself again. but i don't care. i am who i am, i've been through all the shit life has thrown (and continues to throw) at me.

@ardenttheories posted a thing that includes a message i sent on twitter (on anon of course because i was scared) in this post here. blog's inactive, i dunno anything about ardent and that isn't the point of this. i'm just proving i've been here for a long fucking time and i've seen some fucking horrors. the message was one i sent on twitter and it looks like the op has deleted their account so i can't prove this but i think i've shown that this isn't a thing i've pulled outta my ass because i'm one of the bitter old fans who hates the current team and wants to lie to hurt them.

i actually don't know anyone aside from james roach being involved and the fact kate was asked to rejoin the team. this is mentioned here by sarah who, was in fact part of this problem but of course that doesn't matter because gamzee fans are pigshit (no tag because i don't wanna waste anything on that drivel!). here's a casual reminder of what exactly the pigshit comment is referring to.

i don't think the trauma of gamzee fans trumps the trauma the team got. trauma and fandom abuse is bad all round. it's not fun, it's gross and painful and people who send abuse are fucking monsters. however, the team was a big part in sending a giant fuck you to the trauma gamzee fans have gotten. that's what the problem is here, that's what this whole post has been leading to. i'm not writing this as a call to cancel homestuck^2 - i'm writing this because i want some acknowledgement on what happened to us. as i said, i'm still here despite the abuse, hopes i'd kill myself and the want to kill myself so i'm making a point of saying something.

the issues in the fandom of team members didn't start with the hs^2 team, it had a nice jumpstart from shelby cragg. i refuse to link any of the accounts who have posted accounts of this as i don't want to get people who dealt with her more stress and the only other person who mentions it isn't someone i want to link any traffic towards. google 'shelby cragg gamzee hate' and you'll find it. she used to tag horrific shit on gamzee fans artwork. fans who had in fact, been sent gore and harassment. she used to post about how great abusive ships were, how actual abuse victims (specifically the gamzee fan ones!) should feel about gam/rezi, how stupid gamzee fans were and directly bait and switch gamzee fans who she'd directly told to call her out if she fucked up by telling them they were random people who had no right to call her out. she had an abuse survivor friend so of course, the wrong abuse survivors didn't matter.

her co-authoring the serendipity gospels which while not official canon had become fandom canon. purples and teals of course work together on alternia after they grow up! gamzee was a total abusive nut case whose personality was either lol druggie or abusive monster and terezi was his victim, gamzee was a bunch of things in this fanfic and it's still looked to as the greatest fanfic in fandom history. as anything shelby touched involving gamzee his portrayal in it was racist, ableist and was always abusive in some way to any character he was placed with. i'm not here to talk about the person who wrote it with her or whatever work she's doing now with her non homestuck content. my point is the fanfiction was bad and it became fanon legend.

gamzee fans have been out crying that we have endured severe trauma that made us relate to gamzee. we weren't there for the ableist shit shelby made out of his character. there are different types of fans for his character, but i hope i've made a point that i'm referring to the people like me. the ones who were directly targeted because of our mental illnesses and abuse history. the ones who monsters wanted to kill.

homestuck proper ended on a bad note for gamzee fans. we had no conclusion, we had nothing. in the end after everything we were left with absolutely nothing but people filling in the blanks to say we likely deserved it because we liked this fucking awful clown. we got nothing for what happened to us. we just had to blindly accept we were hated and people wanted us dead for identifying with a fictional character.

then the epilogue's happened. then homestuck^2. then pesterquest. it bought this hate for us back front and center. the team hated us, hated a character who helped us get through shit no one should have had to endure.

like shelby did, they brutalized his character, and i'm damn fucking sure those cunts know what happened to us. we screamed, and screamed and SCREAMED that we were suffering but they boiled it down to "oh they just like that abusive man! let me make him more abusive" - the portrayal of gamzee in the new work is nothing but someone constantly spitting in our faces. the album of the team's string of bullshit should give you an idea on how the rest of this is gonna go.

the epilogue portrayal of gamzee went into the shit we'd had enough already, it turned a character who helped people cope become a gross dystopian version of our fucking abusers!!! the shit we'd endured from the fandom and our real life trauma was the butt of every fucking joke. there was no conclusion to his actual arc in it, there was no happy resolution for us, but there was a shout out to us. we got our moment of acknowledgment! they turned something that had helped real life abuse survivors, mentally ill people, addicts and victims of religious trauma - a fictional character who people wanted us dead over - into our abusers, into the worst things we'd dealt with, into a fucking mockery of our abuse. ALL of our abuse. all of our trauma. all we'd been through.

homestuck^2 did this further. they were parading the mockery of our abuse to the fullest extent they could think to do. i couldn't get past gamzee's death. but i know they've continued to hate us. i know they can't wait for us to end up killing ourselves so they can piss on our graves.

i have a review of pesterquest here, it's not complete. i couldn't finish the game fully. rose's story caused a self harm relapse and a huge hope i'd be brave enough to take the fucking overdose and end it all. i didn't go into how much gamzee's route broke me. i couldn't. i gained something outta it though! my left pinky and index fingers often lose feeling and i'm unable to use them unless i rigorously shake my hand for five minutes because i burnt my arm as badly as i could. i have cigarette burns all over my wrist, it looks like an octopus scarred me with every arm of its on one side and like someone made an attempt to burn down to my bone with something far bigger than a cigarette on the other. it wasn't something other than a cigarette, but it was a few cigarettes in the same spot. it was burning until i snuffed it out, relighting and burning down again until i'd finished the cigarette, lighting another and repeating. i did this until i felt like i'd earned my right to be alive again.

i need you to understand i'm disabled due to severe pain. i have fibromyalgia that was undiagnosed and untreated since i was 15. i'm 30 now. i've been suffering chronic headaches since i was 11. i've had my lip ripped open. i have ganglion cysts that make bending my wrist in the slightest hurt. i tore both rotator cuffs severely 10 years ago, my wrists are hypermobile and hurt constantly. my dominant arm sufferers from tendonitis. my jaw is so fucked i can't open it fully some days and it always makes a horrific pop outta alignment when i yawn. i've spent at least 10 years sleeping on a couch instead of on a bed as i either didn't have a bed or the one i had was so busted it made sleep impossible, as such my back and neck are a fucking nightmare stream of nonstop pain. i have back trauma from a car accident as a kid. i've strangled myself a few times with cords to try numb the pain out, i've been physically abused to the point i nearly died, i've been sexually assaulted multiple times, i've been violently ill from attempted overdoses or allergies. my point is, i know pain. it's the oldest companion i have and i'm tired of having it.

the continued burning i did to myself from that night however, surpassed any of those individual incidents. it eclipsed the regular intense agony i'm in daily for a solid month. the emotional turmoil of a life like mine had led to this. i'd found fiction to hide in, i'd found a character who so perfectly captured all of this trauma, all of this pain, all of this shit i've had to fucking deal with. i've had people try and take him away, i've had monsters try and get me to take the plunge and kill myself. i thought i was largely numb to bad gamzee interpretation and could move past all this hurt. it turns out i wasn't numb and this shit would continue to hurt. but it wasn't just a random ignorant idiot this time round, it was official. it was the team digging my grave and getting ready to throw shit on top of my corpse. that hurts in a unique way.

i don't do homestuck^2 now or ever. i refuse to finish pesterquest. i do my best to ignore the additional trauma the original team was aiming for. i viciously ignore and deny the shit they pull now. i quietly hiss to friends that some disgusting and ignorant cunt said the dumbest fucking shit that makes me want to scream until my vocal cords snap. i see the odd snapshot of what mutilation is happening to a comic that frankly saved my life in so many ways. i don't look in the gamzee tag as someone will have tagged the mutilated hs^2 version in there and that will do nothing but hurt. i don't enjoy being irritated by the snapshots i've seen. i want noting more than a fucking retcon where hs^2 and pesterquest are removed and we were left with the snapchat panels as the finale of homestuck.

in a more petty sense i want a personalized apology from everyone involved in the project, tattoo "i'm a dumb cunt" to their forehead, write an essay as long as homestuck's entire transcript about why they're sorry for what they did. i want the fans who rejoice in the mangled mess that gamzee is in hs^2 to shut the fuck up and delete their blogs. i want the amount of money the kickstarter for hiveswap raised deposited into my paypal account weekly. i want my therapy sessions paid for until i die. i want them to pay for private health care so i can stop physically hurting. what i want is illogical and those are frivolous things off the top of my head. they're stupid and petty and a complete fantasy.

what i really want though, is something that seems like it's a million times more impossible than a weekly deposit of $2485506. i want some fucking acknowledgment of this shit having happened. i've laid out my personal history with this shit, but it's not a personal "here's the essay nyx wrote about how much gamzee hate has fucked them up - it's totally worse than what the homestuck^2 team went through - gamzee hate is a bannable offense as such on every site due to it" that i want. i've burnt down to my bones on how much this shit has hurt me and in truth, i think i'm largely writing this for myself so i can at least say i said something. i wasn't a coward. i stood up and shouted at the void that gamzee fans have been badly abused.

the truth is: i want the abuse gamzee fans went through, the harassment, the gore, the threats and the physical abuse some of us have endured recognized. i'm not trying to overshadow the harassment the team got. but i'm saying the personalized attacks on us were unjustified. the mockery of the abuse we received from real life abusers and the abuse we were sent online for liking gamzee makara. they knew what they were doing. they did it to mock us. they did it to hurt us because we were the wrong kinda victim. we weren't their warped view of the canon and we interpreted, saw, identified, found comfort and loved a character who they disliked. our real life trauma and circumstance wasn't what they saw in gamzee and we had the fucking nerve to see ourselves in a character who can't be replicated in any other media. we were the ones in the wrong. we're the wrong victims. the wrong fans. the pigshit.

i've been writing this for over four hours now and i think i've exhausted how much i can say this stuff. it's been painful and i've ripped myself open to say this all but i think i'm doing the right thing. i'll second guess my way for the rest of my life, i'll overthink everything i do every time because i'm the wrong sorta victim. overall, in a sense i don't care anymore. i'm not numb by any means, i'm not saying i don't care as a bravado this time. i'm saying that i'm not letting you motherfucking cunts put me in the darkest place i've ever fucking been again. i'm not relapsing and losing more use of my hand. i know what kind of people the team are, i know the ignorance and venomous victim blaming and hate in people who hate gamzee fans. over all my final point is this:

it's unfair. why was this shit justifiable. why do we get ignored when we're hurt severely. why don't we matter. why can't our method of coping with homestuck be accepted like everyone else's. why are we the wrong ones. why did we deserve this. why was the fandom abuse towards us a good funny thing.

why the fuck do you hate us so much?

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dynamistimaeus · 7 months

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This post is about to get long, so I added a ‘read more’. I was working on this back in December of last year (2022). Though, I am now sharing my thoughts and ‘theories’ as the HS2 writing team has changed and the story will go a slightly different direction.

I want to compile my thoughts involving the Homestuck Epilogues and Homestuck^2. Not necessarily just my opinions of it, but some things I noticed. More of an in-depth analysis, along with some of my own commentary and several ‘theories’.

There was originally a post that sparked this interest; however, I no longer have it and I don’t want this to become a debate. The person was voicing their opinion and that is totally fair and fine! They are in the right to do that. My thoughts on it still remain, though, as it got me thinking and theorizing more deeply. Something akin to igniting the fire, so to speak. While I don’t think opinions on fictional media are right or wrong, they are still just that, opinions. This being said, I feel like sometimes fandom runs with opinions and considers it factual (or canon) when in reality it really isn’t. At the end of the day, an opinion of something, and even theories, are still just those things. The important thing is that it is actually a good thing that someone can formulate their own opinions about media, and art, in general. Art is subjective and even if there is a very specific message to something, at the end of the day, if it can evoke something in you and make you think deeper.. Then, that is impressive and honestly really normal. It should draw some emotion from you, hence why it is subjective. You look at it from your own lens and determine what it means to you, using your own personal truths. Now, onto the fun part.

While I was thinking about what this individual said, it made me reconsider certain story elements. They had made a comment that Rose would have been a more interesting villain, and that is fair; however, technically, if you consider Ult Dirk a villain, then Rose would be too. Sometimes I think people forget that Dirk and Rose are similar (like how Roxy and Dave are), and this also goes into Jake and Jade being similar and the qualities that both Jane and John/June share too. For the record, I don’t necessarily consider Ult Dirk a villain, and it is definitely fine if you do; however, this goes a little into my theories surrounding things. In all regards, I think the fictional version of Ult would be more of a morally grey character, possibly someone that would fit better in an ‘anti-hero’ sort of role, since he clearly believes what he is doing is the ‘right’ thing to do. Furthermore, I believe his character always had the possibility of becoming this way and not necessarily ‘becoming what he hates,’ but someone that can control things and ‘fix’ things. We see a lot in the comic that Dirk pushes his friends in odd ways to show he cares. By extension, Bro Strider also tries to do these things— and, a side note here.. I saw someone make a theory about Bro trying to turn Dave into a Dirk splinter.. But the canonical points of Homestuck disprove that theory.. In that Dave doesn’t have a heart shirt as a kid because Bro is a Prince of Heart.. He has a heart shirt, because John has a spades shirt.. So on and so forth. It is just a nod back to the card suites, as well as the trolls quadrants. Along with this, Bro Strider— as a Dirk adjacent being, would be doing what he ‘thinks’ is best. We even see Dirk mirror this kind of behavior with his creation of Brobot to ‘strife’ with Jake to ‘prepare and train’ him better. In Dirk’s mind, he was doing what was ‘best’ or ‘correct’. And, even if it is bad what he was doing.. It is oddly his way of showing he cares. Furthermore, Bro Strider, with the knowledge from Lil Cal (and those inhabiting him) definitely tries to create the scratch or attempts to ‘delay’ or ‘end’ the game however he can.. We see him battle Jack. Bro Strider was technically one of the only Beta Guardians that actively tries to interfere with the game, while Grandpa Harley seems to have his own agenda and hand in things— we learn more about this when it comes to Hiveswap. Grandpa Harley has some very deeply rooted ties with the cherubs and their magic, as well as many other links back to the game.. But this post isn’t about that, so I will save that for a different time.

Back to looking at Rose’s character for a moment. I want to make it clear that Rose has always had the ability to dig deeper into the narrative and the game as a whole. Her seer powers allow that. The original post I mentioned, also explained this well. They made the comments about Alpha Mom. While the guardians are really interesting and helpful to give us insight on the kids.. I also want to reiterate the kids aren’t the guardians. And, in my mind, I am of the impression that they may share the aspect with their alternate timeline self, but not the class.. I made this theory from looking at the trolls: The dancestors and decendants— they all share the same aspect, but not the same class. With this information, I started to dig a bit deeper.. Which brings me to some other interesting finds.

Some of the kids share some aspects with the trolls, and even with the cherubs. Now, before I get more into that, I want to brush up on my theories involving HS^2 and the turns some of the characters took.. First, starting with Dirk. It has been a bit since I read the story of Timaeus, but I already have a few correlating ties back to it and the turn Dirk’s character takes. Within the story of Timaeus, as Plato writes it.. Eventually, the character of Timaeus begins to take over the narrative completely. The full story never was finished, as Plato died prior to finishing the dialogues, but I think this is important.. It plays back into a few other things involving Dirk’s character too, but I don’t want to stay on this, as I have a lot of other thoughts to unpack. Now, another interesting thing about Dirk, and more specifically Bro Strider, is the ties they have with Kamina from Gurren Lagaan. Unsure of how many of you have seen the anime, but Kamina— one of the main characters, goes by the nickname of ‘Bro’, especially to the younger character Simon. Now, some of the methods Kamina uses to ‘help Simon’ basically.. Deal with the destroyed version of the world, aren’t ideal.. But a lot of the things Kamina does in that show are very identical to things Dirk, and Bro Strider, do in regards to the game.. And, well, end of the world, essentially. Along with this, Roxy (and adjacently) Mom Lalonde share a lot of qualities with Yoko from that show.. From the scarf to the amazing rifle action. Also, the weirdly overly fetishization of female characters that happened in the 90’s.. It was bad, and it even shows with Roxy a bit.. Her personality is also a little similar to Yoko’s.. Though, the other interesting thing about this is that Jake shares some qualities of her too.. The shorts, the guns, the infamous kissing in front of a volcano.. You know, among other things.. But I think Jake having more ties back to Indiana Jones and Laura Croft make a bit more sense.. Considering Grandpa Harley.. And, the fact Hussie has started they weren’t really sure what to do with Jake’s character for a while— sidenote: I love Jake and want to see him fully use his Hope powers.. But I’ll brush up on this a little more as I unpack some things..

I think the Epilogues and Homesuck^2 are.. Kind of replaying the events of things that happened with the trolls’ ancestors.. To the way Jane is becoming Condy.. Even her ties to Gamzee. It makes me think of the relationship between Condy and GHB.. Even the fact Jane, a human, is with a troll to the side, but is fine with destroying the rest. Condy was with a human because ‘he made her laugh,’ but was fine with destroying anyone else. With this, we even see in one timeline (the Candy one) that Karkat becomes a lot like the Signless, which makes sense, especially if Jane is filling the role of Condy. There isn’t a kid that shares the Rage aspect as Gamzee, so I wondered if this was why they ‘brought him back’.. But that doesn’t explain Vriska, because Rose technically shares a classpect with her and still is alive within both timelines.. Though, interestingly enough, Terezi’s relationship with Rosebot in the Meat timeline mirrors her past relationship with Vriska, as well as that of Redglare and Mindfang.. Now, this is the interesting thing.. Jake would then technically be in the same shoes as Cronus and Eridan if it was following this trend, but he isn’t. He’s an outlier.. Though, on the other hand, John/June being a breath player.. I think that is why they will ultimately still ‘be the hero’ in all of this. Having ties back to Tavros’ ancestor, and what that entails involving the Signless. We also only see John/June in the candy timeline, as it is believed they died within the meat one.. Upon being sent back.. Now, even more interestingly.. Dave shares an aspect with Aradia and her ancestor and dancestor.. Which we see Davebot currently traveling along with Aradia.. But he also shares an aspect with Caliborn, being the same ‘color’ of the cherub swirls.. Also, think of the parallels here of Lord English and The Handmaid… Which also brings me to the fact that Jade and Calliope also share an aspect (as well as Kanaya; however, she never goes Godtier).. And, the color scheme of Jade fits closely with Calliope.. In the Meat timeline, they have merged together— to an extent.. Which makes me wonder if Davebot and that Jade will eventually have to fight one another? Would Davebot win or would that version of Calliope be the actual winner? Since, as we know, Calliope was the one who was supposed to win between the two cherubs, which was the reason the session was doomed.. As Caliborn takes over entirely (becoming Lord English). I also would like to point out that Aradia accidentally left Sollux behind somewhere… Will he eventually become a power source for Jane? Just some random thoughts. I’m still digging into things.. But I do think some of the characters going the routes they do make sense more in this context.

Last notes, I also believe the reason Roxy (within the Meat timeline) is fine with executing Ult Dirk. When they talk to Dave about it, he seems uncomfortable about it (reasonably so), but Roxy doesn’t.. They also share an aspect with Equius (and we all know about his ancestor)…

Anyways, this is all of my findings for now. I’ll continue updating as I find more things to discuss (and have the energy to do so).

#Ult talks.#Homestuck #homestuck^2 #homestuck^2 beyond canon #homestuck beyond canon #Homestuck theories #Thoughts #Theories #Findings

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