#honestly I swear it’s the best movie of 2023 so far

[oksullen]

I SAW U ON MY NOTIFS OMG ITS BEEN SO LONG HOW ARE YOU??

I don’t know why I just saw this omg!! I’ve been good :) I’ve been working a lot and busy with classes and just everything else life has to offer 😂

Willow is almost 2 years old now!! and she’s gotten so big and she’s been much more well behaved too!!

I’ve been on and off Tumblr and usually just go on to read some stuff on my favorite fandoms which surprisingly there isn’t a lot of the things im looking for!! I’ve really taking a liking to My Hero Academia but specifically 3 characters- Best Jeanist, Edgeshot, and Stain which there is like NO new content on them!! I haven’t finished the anime yet since im more of a manga reader than an anime watcher 😔

but more on Best Jeanist- I have become addicted to his character 😭 I’ve rebranded some of my usernames to him and I have a collection of merchandise of him on my shelf!! It started as a joke but it’s not a joke anymore!! same with Stain and Edgeshot, but most of my money has gone to Best Jeanist. I’m so sad there’s not much content on him, I say I’ll just write my own but that isn’t true- LOL but that’s ok, I can just use my free time to think of silly little scenarios of him in my head!!

Here’s a picture of my current anime collection, it’s slightly outdated but you get the idea:

Not pictured is a couple One Piece things since I’ve really started to like One Piece again and a couple plushies including a plushie of Shinsuke Kita from Haikyuu because he will always be my favorite (and Tsukishima too!! remember when my user was kaleshima!!)

I’ve always been taking a liking to making an OC and just my oc overall!! She’s mainly a MHA oc with a freaky blood/guts/gore manipulation power (it’s kind dark but I think it’s cool) and omg she’s taken up so much of my time and brain space, I feel like I’ve done more in depth creation of her than of myself 😂 I’ve also been buying a lot of art commissions of her!! I’ll attach a few images below, but I like talking about her so much that if I end up coming back here I might do some writing for her since I’d love someone or some place to talk about her :) all credits to the locket artists, I don’t think any of them have Tumblr though-: (the first image is her with Best Jeanist and the last is her with Stain!!)

I also have gotten into JJK but im still new to it, only watching the first couple episodes and reading the leaks 😭 which is a GREAT way to start omg

Also, don’t you love it when old hyper fixations come back??!??! yeah, that’s me right now with Mortal Kombat!! I’ve been a fan for almost 10 years now and the new game is so good!! and the characters omg… they made them so good 😍 thankfully Tumblr has a lot on them!!

but other than some things coming and going there hasn’t been a lot of new stuff in my life but compared to last year my mood and health has been so much better which is a win in my eyes, plus im starting to like a new guy which is good because I got my heart absolutely shattered little over a year ago and I swear I thought I was never going to recover, but recovery is possible and I give myself a lot of credit for the things I’ve done despite life seemingly staying the same.

I hope to move out of my parents house soon and continue my education further and my social life and all that but ik that won’t happen until a few years which seems like forever but seeing how 2023 has gone by so fast, I have a feeling it’s going to come quicker than it seems

I always say I want to come back to writing on this app and honestly I am in need of a new hobby because yeah listening to music is great but it doesn’t get you far!! which by the way, also a hyper fixation, bands and music and all that- I am really big into Nirvana right now and plan on dressing up as the lead singer Kurt Cobain for Halloween- which is funny I am dressing up because for the first time I have no plans for Halloween!! I’ll probably just bake some goodies and watch scary movies. How is Halloween celebrated where you are, if at all? American culture is so funny- and it’s funny because America doesn’t have much culture, it’s just one big melting pot which makes it unique

Speaking of music, my favorite artists are probably Nirvana (which is a band) and so is Radiohead, Weezer, The Smiths, Ghost, and Korn (which are rock/metal bands, I really recommend them if you’re into that!!) but I also really like Melanie Martinez, Lana Del Rey, Mitski, Alex G, and a couple other solo artists (fun fact, I went to many concerts over the summer including Melanie and Weezer- they were so good!!) what kind of music do you listen to? any you recommend?!

Half way typing this too, I thought of the idea of coming back to Tumblr to write not just drabbles on my current hyper fixations but maybe some life advice and psychology stuff, I have a way with words and advice and all that even though I am considered “to young to know all this” but I see it as both good and bad having an old soul at a young age- and not to say I am a little child either, but I haven’t even been on this earth for 20 years yet, soon enough though

That all being said, I feel like a huge chapter of my life is coming to a wrap up soon and I am excited to start the new one!! I’ve been on this app forever even though I technically shouldn’t have had Tumblr as a pre-teen but hey, we all start somewhere!!

How have you been? Anything new and exciting? Or maybe something you’ve learned? I’ve been trying to learn new hobbies and I’ve started to really dig into what I want to do as a career since I have to really decided soon (I am doing community college right now which is a free 2-3 year schooling opportunity to earn credits before you go off and study a minor or major- not sure if you have that where you live and if you do it’s still probably different)

Anyways I want to study business and business management since I have taken a liking to running/leading an organization/group and coming up with marketing ideas for various groups I spend my time in- including theatre!! I have a local theatre group I work in backstage and I am the stage manager this year which is great since I want to going into management

It’s “late” where I am- actually it’s just 9:30 but I go to bed early especially when I have things to do the next day 😔 I’ll probably just use the excuse I am tired to run to Starbucks and spend my money like I always do. I really have become addicted to Starbucks and it’s only going to worsen as “Capitalism Christmas” comes next

Holidays are so silly to me too, I don’t really enjoy them because they’ve always seemed to cheesy and not like they “advertise” but I hope to make the best of it this year, even if it just ends up being me working that day and then coming home to my dog. What Holidays do you enjoy? Any certain traditions or events you’re looking forward to?

I’ve written down most of my thoughts and this has been the most I’ve written in ages!! Maybe I should answer more asks from now on to get myself into the writing kick!! 😂

I hope you’ve been well and I hope we can talk more soon!! I totally just remembered we have each other on discord too!! I changed my user to @bestkaleist (Best Jeanist reference) so if you’re confused as to who that is, it’s me!!

wishing you all the well!! 🥬

[spewagepipe]

On 2023

I have so many awards to give out this year – let's get to it.

Best 2023 Video Game: Baldur's Gate 3 Yeah, BG3 is good – this isn't exactly a hot take. But look, this wasn't as cut and dry as you might imagine. The fact that BG3 is possibly the single best game of the year is a testament to how much work the developers had to put in to overcome the inherent awfulness of the 5E D&D mechanics that it was saddled with.

Best Older Game that I Finished in 2023: Disco Elysium If BG3 is an A-Tier CRPG, then Disco Elysium represents the S-Tier of the genre. I had to interrupt my play-through of it last year, much to my shame, but I wrapped it up in April this year and now it's competing hard for the GOAT in my books.

Left 4 Dead Award for Best Cooperative Shooter: Remnant 2 The other major competitor for best 2023 game was Remnant 2, because although it doesn't have the sheer breadth of possibility of BG3, it is a very good shooter with a number of interesting puzzles, guns, and Soulsbornean bosses, and cooperative multiplayer so I can hang with my pals.

Best Horror Game that I Played in 2023: Iron Lung I also played Signalis this year, which was definitely a more expansive and involved game – but Iron Lung takes this because despite its short length, it's profoundly immersive and intense for that whole duration.

The Pandemic Legacy Season 0 Award for Finally Starting to play Pandemic Legacy Season 0 After Multiple Years of Having a Real-World Pandemic Making In-Person Board Games an Impossibility: Pandemic Legacy Season 0 I finally got to play it. It's very good.

The Franchise Game I Played in 2023 That Made the Biggest Improvements Over Its Predecessors: Dishonored: Death of the Outsider They stripped out most of the pointless progression, stripped out the chaos system, made most of what remains into task-oriented "find the bonecharm" type stuff, and finally introduced regenerating mana. I don't know if I'd go as far as to say that they perfected the core systems, but they came pretty damn close.

Best Worker-Placement Game that I Tried in 2023: Feast For Odin I've never liked the worker-placement genre much, but Feast For Odin is an entirely different beast. It cleanly removes basically every ADHD-aggravating mechanic that is typical of the genre, and then replaces them with a lovely Tetris mini-game. It fits so much more neatly into my brain, and yet doesn't seem to have lost any depth in the exchange (as compared to other games of the genre).

Best RPG that I Tried in 2023: Alice Is Missing I am genuinely curious about whether or not Alice Is Missing potentially represents a totally new way to run a GM-less RPG. These rules (and the story context) provide just enough of a plot-backbone and prompting to get players to produce consistently powerful stories every time.

Most Promising Non-RPG Story-Game Format that I Tried in 2023: Arkham Horror: the Card Game Speaking of GM-less stuff, I finally played the AH LCG and holy crap it really blows all of the previous Arkham Horror franchise out of the water (to say nothing of putting to shame a dozen other would-be story-driven tabletop games). I probably haven't played enough of it to really pass judgment just yet, but I am absolutely blown away by the promise on display here.

Best 2023 Movie Because I Honestly Just Didn't Get Out to the Theatre Very Much, But Clearly This Film Still Whips Ass: Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse I feel like there might've been one or two better movies this year, but I didn't see any of those. I don't feel bad about throwing "best movie" at Across the Spider-Verse though, because it's clearly top-tier regardless.

Biggest Cinema Phenomenon that I Totally Missed: Barbie Everybody and their dog loves this movie, and I was just, like, busy for the entire season. I'm gonna go see it next Thursday, I swear.

The Finally Made a Good Dungeons & Dragons Movie: Dungeons & Dragons: Honour Among Thieves Inside me there are two wolves. One wants to pretend that this is the first time they've ever adapted D&D for any kind of cinematic medium in an attempt to bury the older films and the cartoon show in the Dustbin of History. The other wants to show all that garbage off so that people appreciate the extent to which I have suffered at the hands of this brand. Regardless, this new film was like a breath of fresh air by comparison, and with any luck it'll bring a few more new folks to the hobby.

Holy Shit I Can't Believe I Still Haven't Seen This New Godzilla Movie, Everyone Fucking Loves It: Godzilla Minus One This is now the most critically acclaimed Godzilla film ever made, and that somehow includes the original? I am so fuckin' gized y'all, I can't even start.

[listieshadows]

Listie says something about every movie she added to her spreadsheet in August 2023

So, like, as only the second entry in this series, and from such a new account on top of that, I doubt anyone's really wondering why it took so long for this to come out. And, well, the answer is really short and simple—I took my advice from the first entry and got a Letterboxd account.

I guess I'll be posting all of my thoughts about the new films I add to my spreadsheet there, then. But since I already had a majority of this post typed up, I may as well go ahead and finish it off. Send it off proper, y'know?

Transformers (2007)

Date watched: 2023-08-02

And here's me continuing to watch the Transformers movies after seeing the original 80's film back in July. 'Cuz, I mean, with how far removed that one is from the rest of the films...

But anyway, Michael Bay's Transformers! It's honestly not as bad as the Bay hate train I was on in, like, 2017 made it seem. Like, I still think the design of the Transformers is a little too complicated, but whatever. I got used to it.

In hindsight, Bumblebee pissing on a guy isn't even in the top 10 dumbest moments in this series. "I ate the whole plate" still remains an iconic moment, though—thanks, Lindsay.

Cocktail (1988)

Date watched: 2023-08-04

Patrick (H) Wilson said in his Letterboxd review of the film that it takes a turn the moment it gets to Jamaica. I think it turns a little earlier than that, 'cuz lemme tell you, the slight whiplash I had going from a dramatic scene to the opening bars of gawddamn "Kokomo"...!

I'unno, it's just damn something to me to see the dramatic beats in this movie and consider that I knew it best for launching songs like "Don't Worry, Be Happy".

Hardcore Henry (2015)

Date watched: 2023-08-07

See, this is a film I actually already had on my spreadsheet, but not the part that counts. So here it is now.

I get why people don't like this film. I do, honestly. But, gawd, to me, it's just fun. Dumb, fun and damn unique. I ain't never seen another movie like this—and maybe that's a good thing, 'cuz if I had motion sickness it would've taken me way longer to watch this thing with all the breaks I would've need to take, I swear.

Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen (2009)

Date watched: 2023-08-07

This is one of the three Transformers movies I saw in theaters back when they came out, and literally the only things I remembered about this movie before watching it again were Megan Fox's boobs bouncing in slow motion in the climax and the line "I AM DIRECTLY BENEATH THE ENEMY SCROTUM." And, I mean, there was other stuff, too, but I honestly thought a lot of it happened in the next one, like the panty shot of that one girl who turns out to be a Decepticon.

And it's funny that those are among the only things I remembered this movie, 'cuz I did not have as much horny brain back then as I do now, so for those to be the things that stuck out in my mind...

Oh, and of course Megan Fox on the bike—which I thought was how she was introduced last movie, so maybe these movies jus' all kinda blend together for me.

Any case, it's not the worst thing, either. A step down from the first, sure, but compared to how things are gonna go, this is like a stairstep compared to going off a cliff.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem (2023)

Date watched: 2023-08-09

It's a good flick, but if this is really how the teens of today talk, then, gawd, I already felt a million years older than the current generation, so this doesn't help at all.

But at least I got to experience to rush of hearing SLACKCiRCUS's cover of "What's Up?" playing on the big screen in a room full of people who haven't spent as much time online as I have. That was damn magical, right there.

Transformers: Dark Of The Moon (2011)

Date watched: 2023-08-10

Before this movie, everything I thought I remembered about this movie was from the previous movie, like the ass/panty shot to introduce the replacement for Megan Fox. And after watching this movie, realizing that this is where that happens is really the only thing I gained.

Well, I did get to see Optimus Prime merciless kill Leonard Nimoy-bot begging for his life. That was funny.

Phineas And Ferb The Movie: Candace Against The Universe (2020)

Date watched: 2023-08-11

It took me so long to watch this movie because I didn't wanna watch it until after I finished Milo Murphy's Law, which I didn't wanna watch until I finished Phineas And Ferb, which only took me so damn long to finish because I was lazy, and then when I did finish Milo Murphy's Law it took me so long to watch this because by that point it was Fall and I didn't wanna watch this until it was Summer again, and so here I watched it exactly one year after I watched Phineas And Ferb The Movie: Across The 2nd Dimension.

And all that run-on sentence just to say, "Damn, they still got it. And it's jus' damn fun to see these characters again, too."

Also, I don't know how much I entirely buy the head canon I saw that Vanessa is a lesbian, but I like the idea, so I'll accept it anyway.

Transformers: Age Of Extinction (2014)

Date watched: 2023-08-13

I remember when I saw this movie in theaters with my family, I was joking with some stranger beforehand that this was gonna be the start of the "Mark Wahlberg trilogy" after the Shia LeBouf one had come to its end.

Imagine my surprise, then, when the movie ends how it does.

Also, RIP T.J. Miller, and heck on that one "Romeo & Juliet law" guy. I can't believe I had to look up Texas state penal code. Gawddamn.

Dreamgirls (2006)

Date watched: 2023-08-16

I came from Eddie Murphy, stayed because it was real good, and spent a lot of time in-between stuck on the thought that we're supposed to think that Beyoncé isn't a good singer.

Transformers: The Last Knight (2017)

Date watched: 2023-08-17

I don't like to get mad at movies, 'cuz I'm still real regretful of the days when Douglas "Funnyman" Walker was the single biggest influence on how I discussed film, but, gawd, this one jus' kind of overwhelmed me with nonsense to the point where I did.

Remember way back at the top, when I said that Bumblebee pissing on a guy wouldn't even be in the top 10 dumbest moments? I think this movie contains most of them, if not all ten. I mean, this is a movie that starts with drunk Merlin and digs deeper rapidly from there.

Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves (1997)

Date watched: 2023-08-18

I watched this ahead of the podcast Escape From Vault Disney, so allow me to present my answer for the "what's the attraction?" segment.

As a new method of transport, one of the Disney parks is gonna install a huge bubble machine, where you can hop in and get blown around to a different land at random. And there's only a 10% chance you'll get dropped in a bowl of chip dip and hafta avoid getting vored by giant teen-age girls.

Alternatively, the damn tiki statue gets installed looming over the castle like it's Chicken Little.

Bumblebee (2018)

Date watched: 2023-08-21

Honestly, the best Transformers movie. And I'm not just saying that because it references ALF twice. It's very charming, not even despite, but because it's a largely cliché take on "kid makes friend with a beast" movies, especially the ones that came out in the 80's.

Like ALF.

Super Mario Bros. (1993)

Date watched: 2023-08-22

Look, as an adaptation of the games, yeah, it's dogshit. But making the near impossible attempt to put that aside, it's not that bad. Not, y'know, great, but I think this film's badness is blown way out of proportion. Even if a lot of it doesn't 100% work, I feel like I gotta give it some credit for trying to put its own cinematic spin on what are pretty non-cinematic games.

And seriously, I was not prepared for when the Twin Towers started decaying.

Sonic The Hedgehog (2020)

Date watched: 2023-08-24

Y'know, I've eaten at Olive Garden before, but it was so long ago that I can't remember how any of it actually tasted. I just remember that the game I was playing on my DS before and afterwards was New Super Mario Bros..

Anyway, this is a movie about the fastest thing alive where he spends, like, a third of the movie's runtime in a truck passenger seat, and also he has the same voice as Dewey Duck. Some people say this is better than Birds Of Prey? Man, it's fine, but calm the hell down.

Sonic The Hedgehog 2 (2022)

Date watched: 2023-08-25

Yeah, this is the better movie of the two. Since all of the introductions out of the way, it allows for so many more elements of the games to be included, and naturally it makes it feel way more like a Sonic movie than the first's whole "family road trip movie" vibe.

And all the credit to Jim Carrey, really. I wish he'd gotten to wear a fat suit like he wanted, but seriously, if you were gonna have anybody playing against anthropomorphic cartoon animals, you may as well get one of the most cartoonish men alive. Even if I did end up variously hearing a lot of Count Olaf or The Grinch in his performance.

Anyway, see y'all in Sonic The Hedgehog 3 when we finally get to see the big screen debut of what is clearly and obviously Sonic.EXE~.

Transformers: Rise Of The Beasts (2023)

Date watched: 2023-08-25

A preface: during the scene before the credits rolled, I came up with two jokes I wanted to say to my friends to refer to the "secret military force" or whatever that was being talked about. I decided to go with the second and say "G.U.N" since it was a runner for me that the film that the main character and his little brother would refer to themselves as Sonic and Tails.

Now, look, up until this movie's climax, I was willing to call it the second best of the modern Transformers films. Yes, even with the presence of Pete Davidson, and with how most of the Maximals end up superfluous, and with how the villains turn into absolute cardboard during the climax, which just largely consists of CGi flopping around on a dull, grey landscape. I liked the first two acts a lot, and I felt the material there was a lot stronger than a lot of the Bay films.

But then imagine how much worse this movie got for me when it turned out the first joke I thought of that I didn't go with because I thought it'd be too obvious turned out to be true and that it was actually G.I. Joe.

The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023)

Date watched: 2023-08-26

Sure, it might be Illumination's best movie, but for me it still just largely amounts to someone jangling a keyring of Mario-branded baubles in my face for 90 minutes.

Mortal Kombat (1995)

Date watched: 2023-08-28

As I'm writing this, it's been a month since I saw this movie, and I'm only now getting around to writing about it so I can post this. At this point, I don't really remember much about it, which you can also blame on the fact that I was really tired for some reason the first time I sat down to watch it. Seriously, I had to stop and pick it up later, and I have no idea why.

I'll say this much about this movie—I was probably being too hard on it when I watched it. Like, I was stuck on this mentality that, "Oh, this is a famously bad movie. Not as much as its sequel, of course, but it's not good, and I should probably just view it that way." And I regret that. These days I try so hard to has little bias as possible going into movies, so I don't know what I was thinking acting like that.

It's an enjoyable movie. It really is. Whatever it gets wrong about the games, it's not so egregious that it destroys the movie. Honestly, I'd rather it get a couple of things wrong than be so committed to being faithful to the games that it forgets to do anything else all that well. Lookin' at you again, The Super Mario Bros. Movie. So, whatever. I can live with it.

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, probably less so, but I'll see what I think if I ever watch it.

And also, of course the soundtrack CD by The Immortals that scores part of this movie is amazing. "OOOOHHH, CHINESE NINJA WARRIOR, SUB-ZEROOOO, WITH YOUR HEART SO COLD....!"

[desire-tenderness]

𝔹𝕣𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥 𝕒𝕣𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕤𝕥𝕒𝕣𝕤 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕤𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕖

{This is a fanfic dreamed and desired. All I write about is my feelings, sensations and desires.  TEXT BY: L.M} Day 1 - Embark on the dazzle. October 9, 2023, Monday. I am exhausted, the recording will begin on Tuesday at 11 am. I think I slept only 3 hours and 20 minutes or I’m just kicking it out loud. This was a very tiring trip I confess. Maybe because it was almost a change of two months and a week. On the bright side, the production has provided a nice apartment for me to live in. My new home is beautiful and comfortable, one block away from Crescent Street, here in Montreal - Canada. Honestly, I can’t believe I’m finally having the opportunity to work with Xavier Dolan, I left my family in Brazil to embark on this dream, I already miss them. I should tell you that I have no idea of the cast that will be on this project, but the script looks fabulous. Before I embarked on this opportunity, I realized a portion of the dream. I and 7 other members of the team dined with Dolan last Thursday, debated the first decupagents and agendas. We had already read the script before the meeting, is it a low-budget experimental drama, and honestly? I lost my breath. I’m not in the position of art director I’ve always dreamed of, but I’m in the position where I have full knowledge and experience. Curious, I am not trembling with nerves, I am completely at peace with this realization. However, very anxious. We’re less than two hours away from reuniting in Saint-Laurent with the cast of "A race by Joseph". [.... ] - Less than two hours later. Okay, I’m about to get my guts out from all the nerves. I’ve heard of some names on the list of actors, including Troye Sivan, Vincent Cassel, and Louise Coldefy. The team is sensational and fucking, Xavier is like a master for me. I need to make these days my best college. I’m at home/rental number six, it’s wonderful. I can see two cars coming through the window, and "God bless me so that Suzanne Clément is in this cast" [Spoiler, I wasn’t, I had to accept], I think I’m going to have an anxiety attack, I need to splash water on my face. I lost count of how many times I filled my hands with water and threw it in my face, I needed to understand that I was really living this moment. I came out of the bathroom apprehensive. Céline handed me a cup of tea mix of Sage, Eucalyptus, Lemon Peel and said "Hey, relax, I’ll see you in the living room.. ah, one more thing, don’t freak out". I feel a chill creeping all over my body as I walk through the door frame. Everyone was waiting for me in the room so we could debate the first two weeks of the recording. I could feel my legs swaying to the point of not having enough sustenance to stand. Timothée Chalamet was sitting on the arm of Dolan’s armchair in silence, reading what would be the 4°page of some document. Quickly he gets up and presents himself squeezing my hand gently. Silence has taken over the environment, I don’t remember my name. [I remembered! ] It was remarkable how difficult he was to pronounce it, it made it all very comical, in seconds we were all laughing. At that time, other cast members performed, but my thoughts were so far away that I don’t know if I missed any important information. [Damn, how many questions are going through my head right now? I don’t even have control over them. Stop! Focus, your future depends on this delivery. ]

[.... ] With the passing of the hours I was reasonably more relaxed and with an unparalleled feeling of gratitude for what was happening to me. We discussed the script, much of it together, the day was very productive. I kept looking at him, he’s so funny and authentic, I feel comfortable now. Obviously we wouldn’t be friends, he wouldn’t notice an assistant director [even though I’m the director’s right-hand man]. The team will be dining with the cast soon, it’s 5:47 pm and I haven’t been able to confirm my presence at this dinner. What’s my problem?! Celine: You’ll go, right? We’ll go home together and unpack. Me: Oh Céli, I don’t think I will. I have a lot to pack, tomorrow starts the recordings and I want to do everything right. Celine: No, you are not going to organize things by yourself. Nor has dinner there in the house, let’s eat please, I’m starving. Think you need to catch up! Me: Relax Celi, I’ll do things in my time, have a wine while I cook something and sleep early. Look, Wednesday we won’t record.. We can go downtown and get a quick look at the city, what do you think? Celine: You’re hopeless. Well, I’ll tell you about it. Arriving at the apartment I opened all the windows, and went to cook thinking about what the following days would be like. I decided then that I should not intensify anything, it could disrupt me at work and I can’t let my impulsive Aryan side get out of hand. I decided to go to the disco and see what the last song the host of the apartment heard. Well, did you start playing Nick Drake’s Pink Moon and honestly? I can’t let the pink moon get me. Fuck, I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in my entire life, it’s as fascinating as on screens or in photographs. [Stop! Concentrate. ] [...] 00:01 am The wine bottle is 98% empty now. I have not yet fallen asleep and Celine is already in her 8th deepest sleep. I need to sleep. She said that they were so energized, that the team’s relationship is great and that she ate a delicious Poutine, I found it very courageous for those who will spend the whole day recording tomorrow.  [I’m laughing alone while imagining a disaster] I will sleep and tomorrow will be the first day of my life. I swear I was born now and suddenly everything changed. Things will be built from now on. Timothée Chalamet? I hear you’re a good actor, I don’t know you. Good night and see you soon.

Part 2

Day 50 - And I’m probably happy, could it be different? November 27, 2023, Friday. There are times I do not write in this "virtual diary", my days are super busy. Today we finish the work a little earlier, we finish the movie! I think it’s 4:00 now. Right, and why did I come back to write? Well, I wanted to forget the feeling that took me completely 50 days ago. But today something has happened that does not allow me to escape any feeling that exists here. Louise is severely ill, Christ! We’re at the end of the shoot, she’s Timothée’s date, missing four takes of a kiss between them for her last acting scene. Dolan needed two different angles and he didn’t have a voice voice available so suddenly. Louise and I have very similar hair and what I feared went through Dolan’s mind. "Be the Double" he said. Yeah, Chalamet and I kissed today, and, hell, there was no professionalism on my part or for a millisecond, I feel terrible! I felt like I had been thrown out of a plane and I was in a free fall. My heart had never accelerated so much. My fantasy almost made me believe that one of the butterflies in my stomach was coming out of my mouth 1 minute later. Holy shit! [What if it was not reciprocal? Of course it was not, silly! We are friends. ] I’m so pissed about it, I’ll tell them why.

All these days I’ve really become friends with Timothée, can you believe it? I’ve always been very afraid to talk to him because he doesn’t find me interesting enough. But we have an unusual tune. We had a lot of coffee together, a lot of claquettes I hit due to recording mistakes, we went out with the guys several times, even "alone" and that’s okay, we talked about Brazil and he made sure to go there anytime, I even smoked one of his cigarettes, even hating cigarettes. We were talking about how funny Vincent is and how amazing he is, and we were talking about how they were both working for the first time with Xavier Dolan. We laughed at stupid things until the belly hurt and even bet race in the parking lot next to the location. [He won, of course, has huge legs].

One day we were together cutting fruit for the rest of the team on the set as we talked about Georges de La Tour, "That ordinary painter" I said, and he gave a delicious laugh. He’s much simpler than I thought he could be, carries an admirable humility. And I swear, it was fine, because I was fascinated by that friendship and I could feel that it would last for many years. I’ve learned to deal with your stunning beauty. I liked the way he accepted me and had fun with me. He didn’t think I was silly. I was working for a salary and a bright future, and suddenly I felt I had won the lottery until that moment after the kiss. I feel like I’m failing at my resolve. To finish screwing with my mind, Celine told me something that made me much more sensitive about a feeling that, I swear, once again, I had managed to forget. Although I often fantasized that a mood was going on, I knew it was impossible. He definitely sees me as the cool girl makes him laugh and that he can truly trust. Celine: Look. I, for recklessness, overheard Timothée talking to Troye about you. I did not hear enough but I must say that your tone of voice was of pure indignation... Troye said, "She’s the kind of girl you want so much, you feel sorry for". Me: God damn it, did he hate my kiss?! I’m going to die, Celine! Troye clearly should be making fun of the situation. Who am I supposed to show up at Dolan’s tomorrow for dinner? Celine: Calm friend, you are traveling.. I have noticed things and I will not open my mouth. Everything will be fine, seriously.. kiss the chalamet? How can you be angry about that? [laughed] By the way, tomorrow after dinner, I’ve arranged to spend the night at Julie’s, do you want to go? Me: Oh.. I’m not in the mood to hear Julie talk all night about the new vegan recipes, sorry, pal. Celine: Okay.. I won’t bring you nice things. [My phone vibrated. I was reluctant to look, but it could be work.. ] Text Msg Timothée: I hope you’re okay, you seemed strange going away. Want to talk? By the way, you did well in tonight’s performance, you should try harder. Me: Says my angel, how are you? I am well, of course I am. [laughs nervously and it was noticeable] I was just nervous to have to act for Dolan and know that I will see myself on a movie screen, even if at closed angles. By the way, Mr. Chalamet, thank you very much. I have the seal of approval that interests me hahah Msg of text Timothée: I like it. See you tomorrow? Me: Yes, of course, until tomorrow! Msg of text Timothée: [video uploaded]

Part 3

Day 51 - Ecstasy, landscape of the soul. November 29th, 2023, Sunday morning. I don’t know how to write about how last night went.. I was upset, but I remember everything. I won’t be able to keep this journal after that I’ll tell. We were all gathered at Dolan’s house, drinking and laughing a lot, toasting to finish this incredible project. I already felt completely dizzy and with the warm body, things kept spinning in my head, it was so beautiful. He wore a leather jacket over the green sweatshirt, had a golf cap (Odd Future) hanging on one of the pants straps where his belt was, the black jeans almost on his knee and a red vans, and that hair.. that hair! It’s like a restless ocean. I was wishing to walk across the room and kiss him again with all the intensity that belongs to me, he would like it this time. My body was on fire, suddenly I was frozen, it’s coming toward me. I knew I could spoil any conversation by being totally random and awkward, I was dying of shame in advance. Timothée: Are you happy? Me: Sure, congratulations! You did a great job, I’m very proud of all of you. Timothée: Thank you, but none of this would have been the same if you weren’t on the team, right? Me: Right! [Cheers] [Silence] Timothée: What are you thinking right now? Me: Who you are, Where you’re from, don’t care what you Did as long as you love me..[I started singing As Long As You Love Me by the Backstreet Boys, really?] Timothée: Oh my God! [He laughed almost for the world to hear]. Are you going to Julie’s with Céline? There’s going to be a vegan class. I’d like a pizza, okay? Me: Look.. I also wanted a pizza instead of vegan food.. But I’m getting dizzy and I think I’m gonna go home and do my drunken show in the shower. Timothée: Ah.. Right, you’re dizzy, but you still know how many fingers you have here? [He did an 8 with his fingers] Me: Yes, of course. I’m fine, man, I’m weak but not that weak. Give me a skateboard there! [I screamed, and they didn’t take me seriously] Timothée: So.. we can go for a coffee to break the alcohol and fill the stomach with a piece of pizza, what do you think? Me: Wooah! Come on, send world pizza! [I couldn’t say no, I was completely taken. ]     We got to what used to be a kind of blinker-light coffee, it had a super-hot vibe. We sat down and made the request, we laughed drunk and said nothing that made sense, I felt our friendship alive again. However, the silence and the exchange of looks came, so we could hear the music that played in the background. It was "And I Love Her" by the Beatles”. Suddenly he began to sing. Timothée: "She gives me Everything and Tenderly. The Kiss my Lover brings, she brings to me and I love her." Me: Yeah.. beautiful music. You sing over and over again better than me. When did you start playing music? [My hands started sweating] Timothée: [he laughed] Are you all right? Me: Timmy. .ah.. I think I’m going home to take another shower, rest and call my family, I don’t know. Timothée: Okay, I’ll accompany you, I can’t let you go back alone so late. Me: You don’t need my angel. I’m a ninja! [I made the shameful gesture of a martial coup and tripped. The truth is I wanted him to insist] Timothée: Without that [laughed] let’s go!

We got to the apartment, he came up with me and put his coat on the couch. I offered him water, am I pathetic? He said he did not want to, but that if possible, he would like to stay. I felt as if we were talking by telepathy, I am not crazy. He feels the same. I said he could stay, even super apprehensive. I took two cigarettes from Kumbaya that I made on Tuesday and shouted from the room "let’s get some air on the balcony while we smoke!?". Upon returning to the room, he had put Cigarettes after sex to play, silently. Nothing but the music. Breaths. Another dose of silence. My body pumped blood with so much speed, [says something] I thought. He touched my right hand and looked at me. Those green eyes made me feel warm inside as never before. I got up the courage to pull him to the balcony that led to the fire escape. The sky was beautiful and the wind touching our faces was like a sky giveaway, I needed that fresh night air. Timothée: Do you need me to say it? I can say it. Me: I know what you’re going to say and I’m terrified. You want me too. Timothée: I want to. You make me feel good. I feel my presence truly when I share a moment with you. "Sometimes I think I’ve felt everything I’m going to feel in my life. And from now on, I won’t feel anything new. " Me: I promise that one day I will feel that everything is right. but it feels so wrong. Man, I feel like I’m living a fanfic, and I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and none of this ever happened, or worse, if it’s real, our friendship being compromised by what’s possibly going to happen here. He put his hands on my face, kissed my forehead. Timothée: The heart is not like a box that fills, L. It expands in size, the more you love someone. I’m different from you. It doesn’t make me love you any less. It actually makes me love you more. I want you. Me: Right.. We are here only briefly, and at this moment I want to allow myself joy. I want that, Timothée. And I promise that one day I will feel like everything is fine. He lovingly bowed to touch his lips to mine. Feeling those soft lips against mine, it was almost like an apocalyptic sensation, the world could end right there, would have no problem. We kissed as we entered through the large window of the room, the first pieces of clothing filling the lonely floor of the room. The music Sunsetz conducted our intimate dance. The words "you have to do the right thing, do the right thing" started to disappear from my head.

I feel overflowing out of the body, sensitive, I am under the effect of exaltation, very intense feelings of joy, pleasure, admiration, reverent awe... Timothée. I truly love him. We are lying on the living room floor, apparently wrapped in a curtain that has been disastrously removed. Timothée, his breath is hot, the sound coming out of his mouth shivers my body. We were like the painting of Egon Schiele - Gli Amanti (L'Abbraccio).

Blackout. Light. The voice of an angel reaches my ear. My eyes open. He looked at me in silence, I could smell his mildly sweet citrus smell all over the room. Its aroma stimulates my sensations. Timothée: I’ll make you a cup of coffee. I’ll be careful with the amount of sugar, it’ll be just the way you like it. Keep lying down, angel. Geez, what happens now? I don’t know, he doesn’t know, you don’t know. Anyway, I feel complete.