#how do we go from vampires and demons to fucking DINOSAURS???

[insomaniacat]

i havent read owari no seraph in so long but WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN THERE I NEED TO KNOW

[frankendykes-monster]

Halloween 2021 Countdown...ranked

I decided to go forward with tonight because fuck it, in spite of something like 25 - 40 films being left off the list because I could not get around to them, whateverrr.  Here’s the breakdown of everything I was able to see since mid-September for spooky season, if I have the time between real life concerns and other films I need to get around to (...probably not), I might update this by the end of November with new addendums and everything but here is what we have to work with at the moment.

85. An American Werewolf in Paris (1997)

84. The Giant Gila Monster (1959)

83. The Amazing Transparent Man (1960)

82. Halloweentown (1998)

81. The Black Scorpion (1957)

80. When Dinosaurs Ruled The Earth (1970)

79. Werewolf of London (1935)

78. Assignment Terror (1970)

77. The Astounding She-Monster (1957)

76. The Beast of Hollow Mountain (1956)

75. The Land Unknown (1957)

74. The Last Dinosaur (1977)

73. Mystery of The Wax Museum (1933)

72. The Blob (1958)

71. This Island Earth (1955)

70. The Mummy (1959)

69. Mighty Joe Young (1949)

68. Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)

67. The Sentinel (1977)

66. House on Haunted Hill (1959)

65. Phantom of The Opera (1943)

64. Mad Monster Party? (1967)

63. Man-Mad Monster (1941)

62. X: The Unknown (1956)

61. The Invisible Ray (1936)

60. The Deadly Mantis (1957)

59. Clash of The Titans (1981)

58. Jason and The Argonauts (1963)

57. Young Frankenstein (1974)

56. Evil Dead (2013)

55. Island of Terror (1966)

54. Son of Dracula (1943)

53. The Alligator People (1959)

52. The Abominable Snowman of The Himalayas (1957)

51. Tarantula (1955)

50. Planet of The Vampires (1965)

49. The Body Snatcher (1945)

48. Jack the Giant Killer (1962)

47. Konga (1961)

46. The Creature Walks Among Us (1956)

45. Revenge of The Creature (1955)

44. The Curse of Frankenstein (1957)

43. The Ghost of Frankenstein (1942)

42. Dracula’s Daughter (1936)

41. Dracula (1931)

40. It Came From Outer Space (1953)

39. Beetlejuice (1988)

38. The Day The Earth Stood Still (1951)

37. The 7th Voyage of Sinbad (1958)

36. The Birds (1963)

35. X: The Man With X-Ray Eyes (1963)

34. Dracula: Prince of Darkness (1966)

33. The Phantom of The Opera (1925)

32. Doctor X (1932)

31. House of Dracula (1945)

30. The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms (1953)

29. Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man (1943)

28. Isle of The Dead (1945)

27. The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)

26. The Wolf Man (1941)

25. The Invisible Man Returns (1940)

24. Night of The Demon (1957)

23. The Howling (1981)

22. Blacula (1972)

21. Horror of Dracula (1958)

20. House of Wax (1953)

19. High Plains Drifter (1973)

18. 20 Million Miles to Earth (1957)

17. Scream (1996)

16. Forbidden Planet (1956)

15. Braindead (1992)

14. The Man They Could Not Hang (1939)

13. The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1920)

12. Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948)

11. Frankenstein (1931)

10. Creature From The Black Lagoon (1954)

9. House of Frankenstein (1944)

8. Psycho (1960)

7. Near Dark (1987)

6. Perfect Blue (1997)

5. Son of Frankenstein (1939)

4. Them! (1954)

3. King Kong (1933)

2. The Invisible Man (1933)

1. What We Do in The Shadows (2014)

Now for the liner notes:

This was a mixed season for werewolf films.  An American Werewolf in Paris probably wouldn’t have been egregious enough on its own to justify last place, but the fact that it’s a sequel to An American Werewolf in London (1981) landed it there.  Everything that works about London from the effects work to the locale establishing to the central conflict to the comedy just fucking fails in Paris.  Like this shit is about the main characters using the fact that they’re werewolves to help stop an evil werewolf cult that plans to kill a large group of people and shit about drugs that accelerate the transformation and probably more stupid shit that I blocked out at this point.  You know, I saw a half assed older article at some point about someone using the Evil Dead trilogy to illustrate a point about how horror gradually got replaced by action films, and it was obviously nonsense but if I came out of the theater in 1997 having seen Paris I would have taken their word for it.  It’s sort of precursor to how Universal can’t revive their respective monsters without it being an action movie (Van Helsing, The Wolfman, Dracula Untold, anything related to The Mummy).  Alright.  Werewolf of London.  It’s funny seeing which 1930′s-1940′s horror films have dedicated audiences to them and which ones don’t and it’s obvious why this one doesn’t and why it’s reputation is basically “oh yeah, there was a Universal werewolf film before The Wolf Man” (much in the same way Man-Made Monster is only interesting because “huh, there was a 1941 George Waggner film starring Lon Chaney Jr. unwittingly becoming a homicidal monster before The Wolf Man.”)  Basically every element that made The Wolf Man work is absent here.  Blah.  Speaking of which, The Wolf Man is pretty fucking solid, though a bit more flat than you would expect.  It probably has the best script and soundtrack of any Universal monster, though in execution it comes up a bit shorter than it should be.  The performances, the indoor sets, and directing work, they’re all servicable but could be better, so it has to fall back on the script’s juggling act of so many themes concerning destiny, mental illness, being subtly ostracized from one’s community, etc. to work its stuff.  Despite the fact that every subsequent piece of werewolf fiction is entirely indebted to this film, I cannot call it the definitive werewolf film if only because of how much it is weighed down by its racist depictions of Romani people, which is more or less the entire reason why I don’t consider it one of the “top” Universal monster films despite its reputation.  In terms of genuine defining werewolf films, we have The Howling.  I mostly know Joe Dante through the two Gremlins films like most people, so seeing him do pure horror is interesting, because this film goes into some disgusting territory that kind of made my skin crawl at times.  I had mentioned that it’s something of a shame that this gets mostly overshadowed by An American Werewolf in London, because there’s some stuff I think I like better in this one such as how nightmarish the transformation scene is and the overall mystery surrounding what is actually going on and how leisurely it’s paced overall.

Alright, let’s fucking do this: 1950′s and 1960′s science fiction films.  The Giant Gila Monster is the rare film I would actually call “cheap” in a pejorative sense because it looks like it had a budget of $100, don’t ask me where the actual budget went.  I was surprised this was as bad as it was because I really enjoy Ray Kellogg’s other film, The Killer Shrews (1959), which is cheaper than this one but looks 10x more impressive.  After five Universal films and three Japanese Invisible Man films, I don’t think it’s unreasonable of me to ask more out of The Amazing Transparent Man given the concept was well trodden territory at this point.  The Black Scorpion was probably the only film this year that legitimately made me angry at any point, because by the final battle I just realized how much this thing was wasting my fucking time.  It was a challenge not to put this at the bottom but I wanted this list to try and best reflect objective quality more than personal feelings.  The Astounding She-Monster I would HIGHLY recommend ironically, this thing is so goddamn jaw droppingly hilarious in its ineptitude that I can’t wait to watch it with other people.  The Blob is one where I have no idea where it got its acclaim, all the way up to a Criterion Collection release from, because it has some abysmal pacing and comedy, the whole town of oddball characters working together to stop The Blob in the last 20 minutes should have begun by the time the first act was done, just stick with the remake on this one.  This Island Earth has impressive special effects but not much story to back it up...gutterball.  I appreciate how the Metaluna Mutant is on all the posters and shit despite only being in the film for five minutes at the end.  The Deadly Mantis I actually have an undeserved soft spot for despite it being a bad film, I couldn’t tell you why, it just tickles me for some reason.  Sue me.  The Alligator People was one of the biggest surprises of the season for me, I thought this one would surely suck ass but no, it’s like if The Fly (1958) was actually decent.  Island of Terror I enjoyed for the opening mystery and having some unusual monsters that behave like giant bacterium.  Tarantula is an oddball because 60 minutes of the 80 minute runtime is dedicated to a semi murder mystery involving growth hormones that work on animals but fuck people up, it isn’t until damn near the end that the tarantula, one of the lab test subjects, finally becomes the main focus.  Planet of The Vampires is mostly enjoyable for its set design and color scheme throughout, I’ve seen better from Mario Bava (Blood and Black Lace (1964) was a casualty of me running out of time to put this list together), but stuff like the ending twist make it a worthwhile watch.  Konga is a hilarious oddity that I rewatched mostly because I enjoyed the comic book follow up series, despite its name its actually not much of a King Kong knockoff and goes into some relatively new territory as far as giant ape films go.  It Came From Outer Space and The Day The Earth Stood Still are two I don’t like as much as most people seem to, and while they both have great presentations and break from the usual hostile alien fare, they both suffer from the fact that they can’t 100% commit to their respective messages of non-violence in a way that’s wholly satisfactory because it’s so obvious they were both made in the 1950′s US (you know what I mean.)  X: The Man With X-Ray Eyes is the rare genuinely good Roger Corman film, I’m actually surprised it isn’t more popular given its a fairly brainy film that shows genuine tragedy resulting from well meaning scientific experiments, on top of how the subject of x-ray eyes hasn’t been super well explored on film as far as I know.  Between this film, The Birds, and The Terror, it seemed 1963 was the year that eye gouging was in vogue, for whatever reason.  Now we get to the top tier: Forbidden Planet is one of those legitimate “ahead of its time” deals.  The soundtrack is almost entirely distant mechanical noises, and taking place on a planet that’s mostly desert and having a fairly slow pace, it sets the atmosphere in such a great way through its audio.  This is the closest that western science fiction got into “thinking man’s” territory in the 1950′s, given its central mystery, monster, and other random trinkets all orbit around technology that allows the mind to generate matter almost spontaneously, it’s just great stuff all around.  Creature From The Black Lagoon I was kind of dreading because I’ve never liked this film and it’s a bit hard to go back to in a post The Shape of Water (2017) world but I’ll be damned, this is fucking great.  Everything just comes together beautifully, it makes me wonder why more 1950′s monster movies can’t be this solid because this film makes it look easy.  And then at the very top we have Them!, which is no holds barred the single greatest western science fiction film of the 1950′s, the only one that can compete on the international stage with Godzilla (1954) and Rodan (1956).  What gets me about Them! is how ruthlessly efficient of a film it is, there’s no meaningless horseshit about the main character’s love triangle or whatever, it just goes full speed ahead straight from the title card and doesn’t waste a moment all the way to the end.  It plays out more like a procedural than anything, just with the mystery following something that isn’t human.  At the risk of spoilers, the monsters in this film are giant ants, and something I genuinely love is how it presents the fact that an animal that isn’t already somewhat dangerous immediately becomes an apocalyptic event in the making when blown up to giant size.  This is probably the only film on this list that genuinely scares me, part of that is because of how much work the soundtrack is putting in, but scenes like the first survivor having a panic attack when she comes out of a state of shock, the eggs in the first ant nest all having to be burned, and plumbing around in the Los Angeles sewers for the new nest all genuinely got to me for one reason or another.  Despite the exclamation point in the title, this one is 100% serious and damn if it isn’t all the better for it.

Halloweentown I didn’t plan on watching until some people on Discord had me do it and of all the films on this list, this is one I’m most obviously not in the target audience for and as such I’m probably being a but too hard on it but it’s a Disney Channel original movie so who gives a shit.  I can leave it at that but I think what made this one get on my bad side was actually seeing Halloweentown for the first time and all the citizens are wearing discount Halloween costumes in a standard town that’s decorated for Halloween, in the effort of fairness I do recall the second and third films being better but goddamn at least try and put some effort in.

Oh what a sad year for dinosaur films this was.  When Dinosaurs Ruled The Earth might have the best stop motion monsters I’ve ever seen but goddamn are they few and far between all the plodding shit this one throws at you.  If you want to see cavemen and dinosaurs tear shit up, just watch Primal, there is no reason to go back to this.  The Beast of Hollow Mountain I have some odd respect for because for the first hour its a 100% western about cattle ranching disputes or some shit before the Tyrannosaurus shows up in all its awkward stop motion glory.  You gotta think of how many westerns were pumped out during the 1950′s and how this one got preserved because it has a dinosaur in it, just goes to show how fucking insane and dedicated horror fans are compared to western fans.  The Land Unknown and The Last Dinosaur are both the re-re-reheated leftovers of The Lost World (1925), but I’m actually upset in the latter case that the tokusatsu special effects weren’t used in a better film.  Luckily I got to rewatch King Kong this year, and every time I see this film it’s like I’m seeing it for the first time all over again.  This is the epitome of movie spectacle, there is no loud special effects driven extravaganza that can compete with this.  Stuff like Kong’s first reveal, him killing a Tyrannosaur, his battle with airplanes, and more are burned into my memory, watching this gives the same effect that Godzilla does, I just forget everything about this film and get chills all over again.  This could have easily gotten top spot but Kong is fundamentally a colonialist fantasy, unfortunately, and that prevents me from ever saying it gets the 100% clearance.

I had high hopes for Assignment Terror given that it involves aliens using a werewolf, a mummy, a vampire, and a Frankenstein to conquer the world but it ended up being a huge disappointment with barely anything actually interesting happening.  The people suckered into this when it got retitled “Dracula vs. Frankenstein” suffered.

Mystery of The Wax Museum is a crock of shit, there’s no reason to touch this one because everything it does was handled better in Doctor X.  They’re both pulpy pre Hayes code horror mysteries built on pseudoscience driven murder sprees and shot in that gorgeous two-tone Technicolor process, but Doctor X basically does everything right in a way where Mystery can’t compete.  Mystery did give way to House of Wax, another one of the best surprises for me this year and genuinely one of the best horror remakes ever made.  It takes the foundation provided by Mystery, excises all the horseshit, and expands on everything that needed more room to breathe.  It is a night and day difference that completely replaces the earlier film with something legitimately great.

Harryhausen time.  This might surprise everyone reading this who is somewhat familiar with my taste in film but I just do not care for Ray Harryhausen’s stuff beyond historical and technical respect, which does not translate into me enjoying his filmography on a more casual level.  His films almost never have a super impressive setting, cast, setting, etc. which makes them feel more like tech demos than anything.  Special effects need to serve a film but Harryhausen’s work literally started with planning the special effects scenes and then writing around them, so it’s a question of why I should watch the whole thing rather than just YouTube compilations, I mean there’s a reasom why Jack the Giant Killer, a ripoff of The 7th Voyage of Sinbad, is higher up on the list than half of the ones I’m about to mention.  Mighty Joe Young is just a weaker more pussified version of King Kong and Son of Kong (1933), Clash of The Titans’ biggest contribution was allowing for Harry Hamlin to come back and voice Perseus in God of War II, and I have no idea why Jason and The Argonauts is so highly appraised.  Stuff like how the Hydra’s heads independently move or there’s seven stop motion skeletons fighting three actors is impressive in terms of skill but doesn’t translate into fight scenes that are actually captivating or emotionally engaging.  It’s odd that Harryhausen was inspired by King Kong yet he never made an environment that was as three dimensional and alive as Skull Island nor a film with as much energy.  The 7th Voyage of Sinbad is probably his strongest fantasy work, albeit you have to get past the fact that all these characters are West Asian yet played by white people, badly at that (I’m usually never super impressed by acting nor annoyed by it, so when I say performances are bad, they’re fucking bad).  The backhalf of the film is what makes it worth a watch however what with the strongest round up of monsters in any Harryhausen film, I’m particularly fond of the dragon.  The Beast From 20,00 Fathoms is actually legitimately good, probably because it uses the standard 1950′s monster story format to decent effect plus Harryhausen only has a single monster to work with, which allows it to have much more character.  It’s also weirdly ambitious with the Rhedosaurus moving in out of shadows, destroying buildings, or being shot at high and low angles to help convey size, all of which translate to a better audience experience than anything in Argonauts.  Then there’s 20 Million Miles to Earth, definitely the best Harryhausen film, and aside from Beast a little bit, the one film where his work fully elevates the material and wraps it up in a nice bow.  I never feel as if I’m just watching it because there’s a stop motion monster animated by Harryhausen, it feels like it’s a fully realized science fiction film that has a great monster character at the center.

The Sentinel desperately wants to be a 1970′s European horror or Don’t Look Now (1973), but it forgets that you need to put in the work to actually craft atmosphere to do that.

House on Haunted Hill would probably be great in the theater with the flying skeleton over the audience and shit but watching it alone at home reveals how much it needs William Castle’s funhouse tricks to make it work.

Mad Monster Party? I was excited about because I actually rather enjoy Rankin-Bass’ Christmas specials and their connective wintery mythos, but good god was this a slog during the middle chunk and barely funny whatsoever.  I was excited to see this many monsters doing the mash in one place but it all goes downhill after the opening credits song number.  I wanted to come back here and ask everyone why this doesn’t define Halloween in the same way they defined Christmas but having seen it, now I know.

I only got around to two versions of Phantom of The Opera this year.  The 1925 film is overall pretty good with no major hangups to speak of, from what I gather it’s also pretty close to the book.  I had a hell of a time trying to find the right version though, because I ended up discovering that none of the like six fucking cuts we have are 100% accurate to the original 1925 release which is now semi lost.  It’s a rabbit hole that I won’t recound for you here but I watched the Photoplay restoration of the 1929 release.  The 1943 film...is a piece of work.  I have no idea why this is included in the essential Universal monsters home media releases over something like Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, but this is a wonderful looking film disguising a shitty half assed telling of this story.  Erique’s motivations are never wholly touched upon, Raoul and Anatole are competing for Christine’s affections and it never pays off until the very end with a half decent gag, stuff that should take place early in the film like Christine being escorted to Erique’s lair is reserved for the very end, it’s confounding.  Though there are some pure comedies and fantasies and science fiction films on this list, this one feels the least horror of them all.  It’s total unchallenging Oscar bait that reminds me of The Red Shoes (1948) more than anything.  In a [sees another 1940s color films that’s about opera] “getting major Red Shoes vibes from this...” type of way.

Young Frankenstein...I laughed at one joke in this.

Evil Dead I’ve always been mildly curious about because it seemed like it caught on just a bit more than most unnecessary remakes, which get all of 30 seconds of attention before no one ever talks about them again.  When was the last time anyone said anything about Poltergeist (2015) or Child’s Play (2019)?  Hell if I know.  For a quick rundown on my Evil Dead thoughts: I don’t give a shit about The Evil Dead (1981), Evil Dead II: Dead by Dawn (1987) is one of my top 10 favorite films of all time and one where I wouldn’t be the same person today if I didn’t see it at a young age, I don’t give a shit about Army of Darkness (1992).  So, Evil Dead issss slightly better than The Evil Dead?  There are large chunks of this one where I was bored but little things added up, like how unnerving the deadites role playing as their victims were in this one, the brutality with shit like the nail gun, the motivations for actually going to the cabin beyond shooting the shit, the fact it didn’t try and be shot-for-shot the same.  All that said it feels more generic than the first film just by virtue of it coming out in 2013, after 30 years worth of the original’s influence, and there’s nothing about it that sticks out as much as the material in the first film, in spite of me enjoying it more.

Universal monster sequels that aren’t Frankenstein: go.  Son of Dracula is standard 1940′s fluff horror, unless you have to see everything related to Universal’s Dracula you can safely skip this one, which was admittedly the Universal monster film I was probably least familiar with before watching it this month, so at least something came out of it.  At least it gave us Alucard from the Castlevania series.  Both Revenge of The Creature and The Creature Walks Among Us have solid concepts, they just can’t recreate the lightning-in-the-bottle (rare time I say that) sensation that was Black Lagoon.  A lot of the character work and subtext of that first film along with genuine suspense and fight scenes and shit just isn’t here.  Also, Gillman’s design in that 1954 film was perfect, don’t fuck with it, just don’t.  Dracula’s Daughter is interesting if only because it’s the only true sequel to 1931′s Dracula, with everything following being soft reboots.  This is mostly me being a lesbian but the titular character is “interesting”, work with me here.  It feels a bit like Dracula riding the coattails of Frankenstein with a female centric direct sequel, but it feels inspired with Countess Zaleska trying to find a cure for her vampirism now that her father has been killed, speaking of which, Van Helsing is arrested for most of the film because “the foreign diplomat was a vampire” is a not a good defense for murder in court.  The Invisible Man Returns is the real deal, feeling close enough to the original film while doing its own thing, focusing on a light crime drama rather than a mad murder spree, and perfecting the effects techniques of the first film.  It is sorely lacking in terms of dark comedy and world building however, and coming out after the Hayes Code, you can tell how much more neutered this one is in comparison.

Boris Karloff...oh how I love him.  I needed to spend much more time this season familiarizing myself with more of his work.  The Invisible Ray is mid-tier 1930′s horror, nothing special beyond Karloff and Bela Lugosi’s performances, The Body Snatcher is upper mid tier 1940′s horror but once again only Karloff is the reason why it stands out.  He plays such a great shit eating bastard, when he gives that toothy smile someone is about to fucking die.  Isle of The Dead is far and away the best film produced by Val Lewton that I’ve seen, another slow burn decent into madness and one thing I’ve got to thank a shit ton of these films for is being well under 90 minutes.  I think, do I have enough time for this, see that it’s 70 minutes, and realize yes I do have time for this.  Movies now are just too fucking long.  The real highlight is The Man They Could Not Hang, a film that’s only an hour long but somehow it fits a full courtroom drama and a Saw film into its running time, I have no idea why this one is still as relatively unpopular as it is, it’s a gem of 1930′s horror.

Tim Burton corner.  Edward Scissorhands (1990) and Ed Wood (1994) were two big ones I had to skip over.  With Burton in general I’m of the opinion that by the time you turn 17 you’re too emotionally mature for his stuff and Beetlejuice, in spite of my overall enjoyment, didn’t do TOO much to asway my consensus.  I will say, it probably had the single best instance of comedy and tragedy coming together that I’ve ever seen, with its reason for why suicide isn’t the answer being that the afterlife still sucks ass.  The Nightmare Before Christmas I find interesting in the sense that it’s a post modern take on Halloween but it’s become probably the defining special for the holiday.  It’s overrated for sure but it gets points from me for how nearly every song is impressive in its own way, coming from someone that doesn’t usually watch musicals, and also because Jack Skellington is gender.

Moving onto Hitchcock.  The Birds is an overall satisfying nature runs amok deal but I feel like it’s sandwiched between Them! and Jaws (1975) in terms of how great animals being hostile to people and on the attack could be.  Granted I think the chunk of Hitchcock’s career is sandwiched between M (1931) and High and Low (1963) but we’re sticking with horror here.  Psycho however is something else entirely.  I’m usually ambivalent towards horror films that people who aren’t fans of the genre can’t shut the fuck up about, but I was wrong, this is it.  Another easy contender for top spot had it not been for the very end, the film comes to a crashing stop with way too much exposition for its own good.  If you’re watching this, just turn it off after Norman Bates is initially apprehended to get the full effect.

Night of The Demon stands out for having one of the most impressive movie monsters I’ve ever seen but only using it at the very beginning and end as the backdrop to a supernatural mystery, as far as 1950′s horror goes this is another high ranking one.

Hammer time...I was relatively disappointed by X: The Unknown given how much I enjoy the Quatermass films, but none of the charm of those rubs off on this one.  The Abominable Snowman is half a great film.  First half is a slog, second half is chilling and unnerving.  You just gotta invest that time to get to the good stuff.  But what we’re really here for is Hammer’s remakes of Universal’s films, in color with plenty of blood.  The Curse of Frankenstein, much like the Universal film, has pretty much fuck all to do with the novel but takes the basic concept to go in its own direction.  The major point of this version is that Frankenstein is a somewhat predatory, homicidal, self-centered fiend that will stop at nothing to complete his experiments.  It’s an interesting direction to take the character, so far removed from what Frankenstein has been and should be that it should work just on the attempt, but it feels like a warm up round for next year’s Horror of Dracula (we’ll get back to that).  The Mummy is a monster I’ve never been a huge fan of and Hammer’s 1959 film didn’t do much for me as such.  The Mummy is something I’d regard as a fundamentally colonialist concept, with most films about the monster involving white westerners defiling Egyptian graves, then the evil spooky Egyptian religious practicians must punish them, and the former is the protagonist in this situation.  Blah.  One thing I will give this film is that Christopher Lee is probably the best Mummy I’ve seen.  It’s the one film where his height is used to full advantage, the design is a nice update on Universal’s, and since he can’t speak or show facial expressions, he has to emote entirely with his eyes and it comes off great.

Alright now let’s talk about Dracula, Drac’s back.  The 1931 film is a mess, you can spot editing mistakes and script nonsense and technical limitations from a mile away, and how much I like it is entirely dependent on my mood that day.  But there’s a weird charm to it that draws me, much like Lugosi as Dracula in the film.  Lugosi is so fucking great, it’s insane.  The rhythm with which words come out of his mouth make even the most basic lines like “come here” sound like the most important thing in the world.  It is no wonder why popular culture at large has deemed that Lugosi and Dracula are practically synonymous, I wouldn’t have it any other way, even if the film itself has aged poorly.  Dwight Frye and Edward Van Sloan as Renfield and Van Helsing round out the impressive performances.  Horror of Dracula, Hammer’s go at the material, is another unusual take in that it can’t decide how much it wants to be an adaptation of the novel or not, but this one gets by just how threatening it is.  From the offset, the music over the title sequence is so loud and it culminates in blood dripping on Dracula’s coffin, letting you know you’re in for some hardcore shit.  This is probably the only film where I’ve genuinely been intimidated by Dracula, and Christopher Lee puts his own stamp on the role by switching from a calm and reserved man that’s well spoken to an absolutely rabid animal with bloodshot eyes, blood dripping from his mouth, and hissing rather than speaking.  The way he just runs everywhere or how he opens eyes instantly IMMEDIATELY as soon as the sun goes down just does so much to emphasize how much he hungers and how everything else is of second concern.  I got around to Dracula: Prince of Darkness, for shits and giggles, and this inspired me not to watch many more Hammer Dracula films, where I understand it’s just the same shit every time.  Prince of Darkness has atmosphere in spades once again but everything else kind of falters, I guess, but it’s an awkward film so I couldn’t say for sure or dismiss it entirely.  It takes place almost entirely inside the castle and it takes over half the film for Dracula to be revived, but it’s not necessarily...a bad thing?  I don’t know.  Dracula being killed by running water still sucks.  Honorable mention should go to Blacula, which I had so much fun with, it’s a hilarious fucking movie, just watch it.  Bram Stoker’s Dracula is probably the worst film featuring the character that I’ve seen yet.  All the pieces are there for something great but none of them come together.  It’s too focused on spectacle, the original material separated from the novel goes nowhere, none of the cast is any good, I could go on.  When Gary Oldman says “listen to them, children of the night, what music they make”, it’s almost insulting to Lugosi how much of a downgrade it is.  Admittedly no Dracula film has really worked for me all the way yet.  Someone recently told me that the ideal version would have the mystery of Nosferatu (1922), the grandeur of the 1931 film, the menace of Hammer’s film, and the production values of Coppola’s film.  Maybe someday...

Scream is only Wes Craven film I’ve seen that I can say is actually worth a damn, no strings attached.  Leaving it at that.  Was planning on watching The Hills Have Eyes (1977) so I could have a definitive bottom spot entry, which probably shows my opinion on Craven’s work in general.

Considering I didn’t do anything like watch Martyrs (2008), that left High Plains Drifter as the most fucked up, gruesome, and hard to watch film I had to get through for this countdown.  This is the intersection of the western and the horror film, with the brutality of both genres in full fucking force.  In terms of plot it’s not much different from, say, A Fistfull of Dollars (1964): a nameless drifter played by Clint Eastwood comes into a town full of bad people and sells his services to them but ends up taking advantage of them, with no one being able to stop him because he’s too good at killing other people.  But while Leone’s film was quaint and charming, this film is Hell.  Almost literally, with the town being painted red and renamed Hell before the drifter sets half of it on fire.  Bad people doing bad things, fucking each other over, killing each other in the end, it’s a food chain that you want to be on top of lest the person above you comes for you in turn.  This is the missing link between Once Upon a Time in The West’s (1968) ending with industrialism expanding westward, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) showing the after effects of that violence.

Braindead!  This was so putrid and disgusting yet I couldn’t look away.  I think I figured out how Peter Jackson went from this to Lord of The Rings: this film shows his ability to effortlessly do huge crowd shots that are also complex special effects scenes that are also fight scenes with a shit ton of choreography.  It’s just that before Jackson was making some of the longest movies ever made, he was making some of the goriest, and the gore is probably Braindead’s biggest selling point.  For as much as it’s funny as hell and every character is insane in their own way, it’s the blood and loose limbs that fly everywhere and coat every surface in the finale that sticks with everyone.

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari is probably the most important film on this list, it’s easily the most influential horror film ever made, with every subsequent genre entry having a little bit of its DNA.  But how does it actually stack up for being a film that just turned 100 last year?  Well, it’s very dreamlike, perfect background noise for any occasion, you just let it wash over you, the images flickering on the screen as you go into a trance yourself.

Nearing the end, and we’re at my favorite part: Universal’s Frankenstein series.  This is the best horror series that made it above three entries, and it’s gonna be hard to write about because I just love it that much.  Had I watched Bride of Frankenstein (1935) for this countdown, it would have been #1.  No questions asked.  As is, the rest all claimed high spots.  Frankenstein I can’t write about at all.  It’s an enigma to me, I can’t do it.  Son of Frankenstein is an odd one for me because objectively speaking I would say it’s as good as Bride, but it’s so different, it doesn’t have any of the dark humor or gay subtext or identity crises of the first two films in the series, instead being a very intense character drama involving a three way struggle to stay on top that has very little scares, it takes itself the most seriously of probably any Universal monster film, almost to a fault.  Ghost of Frankenstein is where you can see the diminishing returns begin.  It’s the awkward one of the bunch, coming after the first three great films and before the fun crossovers.  If it never existed I wouldn’t miss it, but even at it’s weakest this series still isn’t bad, I swear it’s almost like magic fairy dust got sprinkled on these so they wouldn’t languish like Son of Dracula.  Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man is another film where you can see all types of editorial mishaps behind the scenes but god its so much fucking fun that I don’t give a damn.  This is the real monster mash, everything after is just trying to recapture its glory.  House of Frankenstein...is so fucking great.  You’ve got Boris Karloff as a mad scientist that fucks over Dracula, The Wolf Man, and whoever else gets in his way so he can get petty revenge on people that put him in jail.  This is the best of the crossover films for me and the most fun of the whole Universal monster cycle probably in general, it’s like an amusement park ride of everything that makes 1930′s and 1940′s horror so great and it’s going at 90 mph.  House of Dracula is another case of diminishing returns, I saw someone on Letterboxd call this film the equivalent of putting a bunch of your monster cereals in the same bowl six months after Halloween.  While this another one I and no one else would actually miss...I love it, it’s still doing just enough to maintain my interest even after everything in the film itself is just going through the motions.  Then we have the great and glorious Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein.  There’s a key difference between this film and Mad Monster Party? and Young Frankenstein...this film is actually funny as fuck.  There’s too many great jokes to count, some of which get me every fucking time.  For as much as I’d say House of Frankenstein would have been the perfect finale to the series, I’m glad this one came along and elevated it to new heights in terms of popularity.  (It’s a shame Lugosi and Chaney Jr. never got to headline A-tier films after this, it was all downhill from here.)

I have no idea what happened in Perfect Blue.

The Invisible Man is THE Universal monster film.  For as much as I might prefer Bride of Frankenstein, this is the one that is 10 out of 10 every day of the week.  It just gets everything right on every level and never stretches it too far with its runtime.  The scene that encapsulates everything great about this film is when a radio broadcast confirms the Invisible Man’s existence, sending everyone into a panic, a montage of locking doors, a montage of militias combing the country side in vain hope of finding him, and he’s sleeping softly in a bed in he pajamas.  Comedy and horror mix best when it’s hard to distinguish whether you’re supposed to laugh or be terrified.  This was definitely the #1 pick until we had a late entry take top spot.

Near Dark is the sexiest film I’ve ever seen.  I can’t explain it but vampires embody a really perverse sense of body horror for me.  You look the same you did before but now you can’t go out into the sun, you have to feed on blood, you have to kill to survive.  But Near Dark makes it all so alluring and attractive, I’m disgusted by it every step of the way but at the same time endlessly fascinated.  And then came What We Do in The Shadows.  Let me explain the difference between these two films, and why Near Dark is not #1.  Both of these films take place from the vampires’ perspective, we learn how they live and we get to know them in spite of how they’re the night monsters we’re supposed to fear.  Near Dark wusses out at the end and cures the protagonist and kills all the vampires, an extremely disappointing ending that’s throw-popcorn-at-the-screen worthy.  What We Do in The Shadows commits to its premise.  I was a bit nervous about this one because I learned about it through Tumblr and it seemed like it was prime time media-overrated-on-Tumblr material, but then as SOON as I saw Viago reach out of his coffin to turn off his alarm clock, struggle to levitate out, and then cautiously check that it’s night (shouldn’t he have a better system by now?), this was the #1 pick.  This is the best vampire film I’ve ever seen, with Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust (2000) and Near Dark rounding out the top three.  This is genuinely one of the funniest fucking films I’ve ever seen.  Over the course of two viewings, I don’t think there was a single joke that didn’t work.  I get it now.  I get the appeal of Taika Waititi.  And it’s all thanks to this film.

[withoneheadlight]

Please let me know more about this Halloween wip??? 👻😈🎃 catharrington

Hey hey, cat! <3<3<3<3

the halloween wip is something i intended to be a short hc like ‘blablabla what if this happened!’ and ended up becoming 4+k of terrible “unknown source of magic makes them do it” pwp in which, basically:

“On the night of Halloween something happens (demon/witch/magic book/magical experimentation going wrong) and everyone becomes their costume for the night, and Billy & Steve are, how not, stuck together, babysitting the kids "As fucking always, Harrington, because for someone obnoxious reason you've become my own personal curse" "Oh, and you say it like you were a fucking blessing!" walking them around town to trick or treat when it happens.

And this is Hawkins, where apparently has become mandatory now that something strange happens every fucking year, so both the kids and Steve are kind of living in a perpetual state of alert. And that’s the reason why they kind of-- feel it. Feel that something is wrong as slowly, slowly, almost unnoticeably at first, people begin to act weird all around them. Mummies and werewolves and demons and angels and zombies and fairies and rock stars and cats and dinosaurs and every kind of creatures swarming in the halloween night. And soon, ghosts are floating. Terrifying masks look stuck to the faces of their owners. Beasts are howling out of mouths that are not human anymore. And when green and red and snake-like eyes blink at them, looking too goddam real, they know it’s time to look for help. To run”

And OF COURSE Billy and Steve end up alone together, looking for hopper after making the kids safe, but, yk, whatever is happening that we’ll never actually get to know bc this is the most self indulgent kind of pwp is getting to Steve too, changing him into his costume, into,

“He’s begun to feel the hunger.

A fucking vampire.

"We have to hurry" and when Billy looks at him, eyes wild, chest rising and falling, Steve knows he knows.

That he's changing. That Steve's gonna become dangerous. Soon.”

And *DRUMROLL!* things happen:

“And this thing inside of Steve. It's at the verge of taking over.

“We gotta make you safe, now”

“From what?” Billy asks. But he knows. And his eyes.

His eyes.

“From me, Billy”

But Billy–

Grins. His upper lip goes up. Bares his teeth. Huffs a laugh that sounds hoarse.

And maybe Steve has been––

“This is serious. I don’t wanna fucking eat you”

Billy. Slides close. Tongue digging into the sharp edge of a canine. Head tilted. Steve’s brand new instincts kick. He’s a prey now. He’s being hunted.

“Billy?”

But Billy. He looks– rapt. Reaches out. Hand cupping Steve’s face. Thumb pressing on his upper lip, rubbing at the tender flesh under the bow, saying “No, Harrington. No” running his pad downwards along the corner of his mouth and, pulling his bottom lip down, building an expectant, anticipating kind of feeling. A hook. Between the two of them “You’ve been eating me for a long time now”

The way he's looking at him— Steve wants to follow him through the darkest of paths, make an offering out of his freedom.

“What––“

Billy’s fingertips trace the shape of his jawbone and Steve backs down. Puts some space between himself and the way Billy’s staring at his lips, getting to a sudden halt when his calves hit the edge of the couch.

“Billy. What do you mean. Billy, what's happening?"

–— blind. He realizes. Steve has been so blind.

Because Billys is wrong too. Wrong. Can see it now. Eyes of an unnatural blue. Liquid. Silver-plated.

And it’s—

Sharp. Fast. The way Billy moves. Lays his palm flat over Steve's chest. Knocks the air out Steve’s lungs with the barest of touches. Because it's way he’s looking at him, what slams Steve into the couch. Breathless when Billy follows, climbs in onto his lap and,

Appetite, Steve thinks, recognizes. Appetite in the way his lashes fall, flutter, his lips part. Apettite, in the way his breath stutters.

"Steve"

He bends forward. One hand on the back of the couch. All his weight on him, caging him. Thighs clutching at his hipbones. And Steve feels them as his head hits the headrest, Billy’s knuckles, running up the shape up his throat, guiding his head up. And he feels so thirsty. Layed down on the desert. Skinned by the sun. Nailed down under his one weakness.

The one that could burn him down into ashes if Steve gets too close.

And they're close now. Close as they've never been before.

Billy's voice has the touch of velvet when he speaks. Smooth. Sleek.

"You're my fucking curse. I told you"

BUT and this is the plot twist i didn’t realize i blatantly revealed in the working title 🤦🏽‍♂️,billy isn’t dressed up for halloween so so-- he should be ok, right? R i g h t?:

“Fuck” Billy pants, nails carving half-moons on the muscle of Steve’s shoulder blades “Holy fuck”

“Hey, can you––?“

“I was a fucking joke!” Billy cuts him off, sounding like he’s wired-up, out of breath, as if he’s feeling it too. How strong it is. This craving. To lean forward again, let himself fall back into the slide of their mouths, to wrap his body around Steve and just–– give in to whatever is doing this to them. As if he feels exactly how Steve feels “I had forgotten about it but”

“What do you mean?”

“Fuck–I. Fuck!”

Billy runs his hands over his hair. His breath, when it comes out, lets his whole body trembling, hips stuttering forwards like he’s trying, but can’t. Help it. As if he needs their bodies to touch.

“Billy,” Steve says, soothing. Touches his face and Billy jolts, chest heaving up, electricity at the contact “I need you to talk to me”

Billy presses his lips together. Nods. Steve has never seen him like this. Like he’s out of cover. Nowhere to run.

“It’s like. What I felt before but it's. I could control it, Steve. But now it's pulling. It's maddening and I" His voice has lowered to the volume of a plea and he closes his eyes as if it is too much, as if whatever is happening to him is growing as fast as Steve's thirst. Becoming as unbearable. Steve runs his thumb over Billy’s cheekbone and Billy whimpers a low, lewd thing. Leans into the touch and rubs his cheek on it. Sighs like it’s such a relief. Such a relief. And then he’s. Opening his mouth and sucking at the Steve’s palm, sloppy and obscene, and Steve’s cock is weeping inside his pants head bumping against the hard leather of his belt, brushing minutely with every short breath. Doesn’t remember wanting anything like he wants this. Slide his fingers into the wet heat of Billy’s mouth. Watch, as he sucks them in.

"Hey. Easy. Easy. C’mon Billy c’monc’mon you can tell me"

But Billy is barely listening to him, panting against the heel of his palm, almost gone again.

"I wanted. God, I wanted to––” chokes off a sob. His hands wander up into the strands of Steve’s hair. Tangle in there “But wouldn’t have. Steve, I would never have. I’m so fucking scared you would––”

Steve takes his wrists. Soft. Careful. Tugs him towards him. Billy’s eyes snap open, lashes fluttering like pulled right out of a dream, and he’s so beautiful, so breathtakingly beautiful like this, straddling Steve’s lap, lips plump and swollen because of him, tears welling up and barely contained, gleaming like moonlight in clear a sky after a storm.

“Billy, please. I need you to tell me––“

“The costume” he breathes out, not as much a word, as a whisper. The blue of his eyes science fiction and impossible.

And Steve– he doesn’t understand. It can’t be, because Billy,

“But there’s no costume. You’re not in disguise”

“One of your minions,” he says and Steve feels the ridiculous impulse of protest, as if this is just the two of them going on about their shit as they always do, and not both of them tangled into the other, bodies shivering with the need to touch “When you came to pick us up. Dustin saw me like this and made a joke. Told him the first dumb thing that came into mind and–”

He trails off, his cheeks flush, a violent shade of red, lowers his face as if he’s so ashamed, and Steve has to press his lips together, fangs rasping at the delicate flesh inside.

And it’s not just the blood what’s making him hungry, when his fingers move down to Billy’s chin, lifts his face up. He wants to find out what the tears in his eyes taste like. Wants to relish in him. Find a way under his clothes and––

“Tell me”

“I was just joking”

––make him his. All his. And Nonono.

“Billy. What are you?”

“An incubus”

Andddd, that's TMI i know. Hopefully I'll finish it for next Halloween *crosses all fingers* bc I had such a good time writing it and isn't that far from being complete and, adashuhdsahd, I just LOVE the "x makes them do it" kind of fics but I think this was my first actual try at one?

Thank you so much for the ask, bb🖤🖤. It's so good to revisit these fics. I don't have that much time to write so I keep on losing impulse. But this is helping me remember there are things I'm excited to finish.

[annyankers]

[reposted from one of my rp blogs with some editing]

while i don’t fuck with the comics for a lot of lore something i DO fuck with because it falls in line with show canon from btvs and ats is that the old ones, the primordial demons like illyria have existed since the dawn of our universe and if you allow for the seed of wonder thing. predate it.

they used to share it with the powers that be until tptb opted to exit for another dimension to do their work from a higher angle so to speak. many old ones did similar, shifting into other dimensions over time, many also died or got locked up. the last old one on earth was Maloker, the creator of the vampiric race who was actively fighting a war against mankind. He was killed by the first slayer Sineya with Mʔ in the prehistoric age, think Çatalhöyük, stone age, neolithic etc for the time period on that.

SO putting this all together we have prehistoric/still evolving (as in like neanderthals might still be relevant) mankind living in the same world as creatures that make dinosaurs look tame. the exact rate of drop off and how many made it into the early stages of human civilization is unclear but something i NEED people to think about bc I THINK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME AND HAVE ONLY NOW BY WRITING THIS TURNED IT FROM JUST SDFGLJLDFGSL INTO A COHERENT THOUGHT:

we have evidence from s3 and the find of Olvikan’s remains (what the mayor was trying to be) that while the essence of MANY old ones did get contained in the deeper well their CORPSES DID NOT GO POOF 100% OF THE TIME !!! in fact there are MANY SPECIES OF DEMON THAT LIVE ON THE EARTH TO THIS DAY THAT DO NOT GO POOF LIKE VAMPIRES DO! Which means there is ARCHEOLOGICAL EVIDENCE OF DEMONS IN THE BUFFYVERSE.

SOME DINOSAURS COULD LITERALLY BE OLD ONES!!!! OR EVEN JUST MORE “MINOR” DEMONS!!!!

[halequeenjas]

Welcome to Chili’s || Harsh, Nell, & Jasmine

TIMING: Current PARTIES: @nelllraiser @notsoharsh @halequeenjas SUMMARY: Okay, maybe sometimes you do have to perform an impromptu exorcism in a Chili’s. 

Normally, Jasmine wouldn’t be quite so inclined to the “cheap” part mentioned in Nell’s text, but hell, she did love margaritas and Chili’s delivered on that front. She’d gone there for plenty of girls’ nights and happy hours in the past, so she’d been inclined to agree to the outing. Especially since she looked forward to some quality time with the youngest Vural. They’d opted to sit at the bar as they were primarily here for the drinks. It was a nice, relaxing evening and she found it easy to just goof around with Nell. She’d always been so free-spirited and funny. Hell, after a few rounds of margaritas, Jasmine found herself going along with Nell’s attempts to troll the bartender instead of nudging her to stop. “She’s really not messing with you, Josh. The cream in Bailey’s only comes from a very specific kind of cow. You’re a bartender, you really should know this!” She took another sip from her margarita and had a devious look in her eyes. She glanced around the bar and saw a familiar face approaching the bar. “Harsh,” she practically yelled in a voice that definitely sounded a little tipsy. She waved enthusiastically and patted the seat next to her. Thankfully, her enchanted red heels kept her from slipping as she lept up to greet her hunter friend. “You know Nell, right? You should join us. I do still owe you that drink,” she said with a small nudge. 

After looking at the amount of medical bills and debt she still owed the hospital, a long day of checking in on the family’s of those killed in the demon-shark attack, and after the weekend Jasmine had gone through, Nell could think of no better idea than getting cheaply and absolutely sloshed at a Chili’s. “It’s true!” she exclaimed a little too loudly, leaning towards the bartender that continued to consider her and the exorcist with careful skepticism. “First you gotta be named Bailey. Then you gotta name the cow Bailey. And then you have to have a- what’s it called, Jasmine? The guys who are in the courtroom with the baton and the ‘All rise for the honorable judge!’ “ Nell’s nose scrunched as she thought, finding her answer a full and long five seconds later. “The Bailiff! He has to be the one to milk it. Then it’s Bailey’s. It’s like champagne coming from that one place in France!” But then Jasmine was yelling a familiar name, and Nell’s head whipped to find the bearer of said name. “Harsh!” Nell yelled in an equally inebriated tone. “Harsh, come here right now! Park your little butt right here,” she said as she too patted the seat. “He knows me! You know Jasmine?” Nell questioned the man before looking back towards her drinking buddy. “You know Harsh?” Another flicker of thought later, Nell squinted her eyes, asking Jasmine in a far too loud whisper, “Are you flirting with him?”

It wasn’t exactly Harsh’s usual haunt, but hey, he had a coupon. Couldn’t let that go to waste. The plan had been to cruise around, maybe pick out an easy meal as they were heading out the door, but that quickly got scrapped when a familiar voice called his name. Easy grin spreading on his face, Harsh sidled his way through the small crowd of irritable customers and exhausted looking wait staff to the bar. “Well, look who it is, my two favorite ladies. Funny running into you here. Is this where all the cool people hang out now? I must’ve missed the memo.” He gave Jasmine a one armed hug and shot Nell a wink before sinking into the seat beside them. Alright new plan. They both already seemed a little sloshed, someone would have to get them home safe. When did he become such a lame ass babysitter? “I’ll take a drink, looks like I’m going to need a few to catch up with you two.” His grin only grew with Nell’s too loud question. “I like to think everyone is always flirting with me, it makes things more fun.”

Maybe Jasmine should have taken pity on the poor bartender, but she was starting to understand why Nell found this to be so fun as she held back drunken giggles as Nell insisted all these ridiculous steps for Bailey’s to be Bailey’s. The description was making her want a Bailey’s and coffee though she didn’t want to be up all night or mix liquors with the… however many margaritas she’d drank at this point. Before they could further mess with the bartender, they were greeting Harsh. She laughed as Nell seemed confused that she and Harsh knew each other. “Yes,” she said with a nod, “He’s helped me out with some properties in the past. Really multi-talented man this one.” She gave Harsh’s arm a clumsy nudge that would have perhaps lined up with Nell’s next question had she been a little more graceful. She rolled her eyes, “Nell, please. I’m thirty, not thirteen. But I’ve probably flirted with him which I’m hardly embarrassed by. We’re all attractive adults here.” She smiled brightly and took her seat back at the bar as Harsh sat with the pair of them. With a wave, she told the bartender to add whatever Harsh was having to her tab. “Have as many drinks as you’d like… we definitely have you beat. And you know what, I like your way of thinking. It is more fun to just believe the attractive people in your life are flirting with you.” At least right now it felt that way. A margarita or two ago she would have likely scoffed at most who tried to flirt with her, but hell, who really cared. 

The poor bartender was spared from more well-meaning torture as Nell’s attention was sufficiently drawn away by Harsh and Jasmine...and the fresh margarita that had appeared in front of her. Leaning forward to take a quick and messy sip, she wiggled a little as the alcohol slipped down her throat, pleased by the tickle it made. “That’s true- he does have lots of talents. Have you asked him about all the dinosaurs he knows?” she asked, wondering if Jasmine knew of the vampire talents that Harsh possessed. Or was she one of the ones he’d tried to trick into thinking he was a hunter? “I didn’t say it was embarrassing!” she defended loudly. “I was just wondering! Is it illegal to ask?” Then she turned back to the bartender who seemed to look her over with a wary glance. “He’ll have two- no three! Three margaritas for him!” she said while jabbing her thumb in Harsh’s direction. The alcohol might not work all that well, but she didn’t actually care at a moment like this. Maybe if he drank twenty of them, then something would happen. 

This could go a couple of ways. There probably wasn’t any way to tell Nell not to drop any little vampire hints without giving himself away. Shit. Harsh really needed to keep better track of who knew what and whether they were any good at keeping secrets. “Aw c’mon, it’s not like I know them personally. But if a dinosaur showed up, I’d definitely introduce myself at least,” he said, with a light laugh. Maybe Nell would get the hint… if he was ever going to be that lucky. Three margaritas probably wouldn’t do much for him, but hell, he wasn’t going to turn them down. He was sipping at the first as he cast an idle glance around the restaurant. Pretty normal. Loud, crowded… except. Huh. He frowned, squinting for a moment. There was this weird little guy just standing there, looking right at Jasmine as people passed him by. He gave Jasmine a slight nudge. “Uh, hey. Is it just me, or is that guy giving you eyes right now?”

Jasmine found herself characteristically shaking her head at Nell. That girl really did say the wildest things. She nudged Nell and chastised, “Be polite, Nellie. You’re not that far behind us. Keep talking like that and I’m getting you a walker and hard candies for your next birthday.” She found herself laughing and added, “You whispered it loudly like it’d be some sort of secret.” Her eyes lit up when the bartender brought over another round of margaritas. It didn’t take her long to get a large gulp in. She got a bit of a chill, but didn’t think much of it. They weren’t too far from the door and Maine in winter was frigid at best. The nudge Harsh gave her made her a little more alert of the familiar feeling. She turned to look where Harsh was directing her and immediately dropped the glass in her hand. The clang of breaking glass was hardly heard over the crowd in Chili’s. Her hand reached for Harsh’s momentarily as she steeled herself to face Larry Bob here and now. Then it hit her, she dropped the hand and looked at him incredulously, “Wait, you can see Larry Bob, too? How- Okay, not the point right now. Nell, I need you to leave. Now.” She clumsily grabbed the salt shaker and fished underneath the bar for her purse. The ghost approached with a satisfied grin on his face. “Come on, Jas, you don’t want your favorite colleague joining you for happy hour?” The wind around them picked up and Jasmine immediately swore under her breath. Calling him a tacky little man probably wouldn’t help the situation right now. There were far too many people here for him to throw a ghostly temper tantrum, but the flying barstool crashing into the shelf of liquor said otherwise. 

Hm. Maybe Jasmine didn’t know about Harsh being a vampire. Or maybe he was just acting coy about the dinosaur thing. Either way, Nell didn’t particularly care all that much when she was as many margaritas deep as she was. “It’d be rude not to introduce yourself,” was the only comment she made on that as she took another sip of the drink in front of her. Her lips parted to answer Jasmine as well, but as soon as the words ‘Larry Bob’ were out of the exorcist’s mouth, Nell was frowning, brows drawn almost comically close together. “Larry Bob? Fuck that middle-aged, suburban wannabe NASCAR barbecue dad name having piece of shit- where is he?” Perhaps being drunk at a chili’s had left Nell wanting when it came to good judgment and the name calling of ghosts. But...then again she’d never been one to mince words. As the wind began to pick up, her fists clenched at her sides, paying no attention to Jasmine’s demands she leave. “Fuck that ghost! Fuck ghosts! I’m tired of ghosts! They had their lives, and now they wanna ruin everyone else’s! Step the fuck up, Larry Bob!” As barstools began to fly, Nell groaned, knowing this was about to get very ugly very quickly. “Alright! Everybody out!” she yelled over the din of the erupting chaos, trying to usher the normies out of the bar. “Move your asses, or I’ll move them for you!” At least she was coherent enough to make sure people didn’t get hurt.

Eyes widening with the breaking of the glass, Harsh looked between Jasmine and the creep. Wait. What did she mean how could he--oh. Oh shit. Fucking ghosts. At least the asshole had the decency to give Harsh a bit more time to think of an explanation. As the barstool went flying, Harsh moved, wedging himself between Jasmine and the remains of the bottles flying from the shelf. Glass caught his back as panic spread. Nell’s calls seemed to get almost as much attention as the destruction Larry Bob or whatever it was Jasmine had called him was. Harsh grabbed Jasmine by the arm, keeping her behind him as the ghost advanced. “I’ll explain later. Jasmine, tell me what to do. Nell, stay close.” Seeing Jasmine grab for a salt shaker, he did the same, ripping the top off to spread a clumsy line before the three of them. It wasn’t much. This wasn’t his area, it wasn’t even his fake area. Ghosts usually didn’t bother him and he did the same. He should’ve tried harder to keep it that way. 

Normally, Jasmine enjoyed Nell’s colorful antics. However, even in her drunken state, she knew tormenting a poltergeist was a dumb idea. There was no time to tell Nell to can it though. At least she shifted her focus to getting people out of here. That left her here realizing she needed to perform an impromptu exorcism in a Chili’s. At least she didn’t need to direct Nell further. “God damn it, Larry,” she grumbled as she raised her arms and closed her eyes to shield herself from the incoming glass. It caught her by surprise when none hit her. She cautiously opened her eyes and realized Harsh had blocked her from the flying glass. “Thanks,” she said, already a little out of breath. He was asking for direction and she pondered it for a moment, keeping the salt in her hand at the ready. “Try to make sure no one gets impaled. I’m going to try and exorcise this bastard right now.” There was a taunting laugh and another gust of wind that ripped the booths out of the wall. “Like hell you are,” Larry Bob cackled maniacally, “You’re the one who should be the ghost. You’ve always taken what should have been mine.” Jasmine scoffed and fished some salt out of her bag, “Oh, please. I was the best in the office because I actually worked, you snivelling little daddy’s boy.” So much for not taunting ghosts, but she was drunk and she was livid. She haphazardly created a circle of salt on the floor and began chanting the familiar Latin phrases, but found she couldn’t feel a pull on him. Everything just kept flying around her and she could barely keep her balance as the wind whipped all around them. 

Why was everyone trying to baby her? Nell squinted defiantly in Harsh’s direction as he mentioned staying close. Honestly, it was as if they didn’t even remember she’d killed more than her fair share of things. Actually, had she mentioned that to Harsh? She couldn’t really recall while there was a poltergeist tearing up a chili’s, and she was multiple margaritas deep. At least the people had mostly vacated the restaurant now, most of them unwilling to be a part of a freak tornado after reading the paper and seeing that the last two had caused deaths. “You tell ‘im, Jasmine! You’re gonna end his whole career! Oh wait! You already did!” The witch egged the woman on, all for trash talk in the heat of a battle- especially after a few shots of tequila. Nell knew she should stay behind the salt line, but she also knew that Larry Bob needed to be stopped despite her being unable to see him, and the metal legs of the table closest to them were looking awfully tempting. With any luck, they’d be made of iron. “Just cover me!” she yelled as her only warning before darting over the salt line, ducking as a barstool went flying past. It was times like these she was grateful for being small, and easily able to get in and out of tight situations. As she neared the table she slurred out a spell, and in the next instant the wood had shattered into pieces, leaving the legs free for the taking. Grabbing one from the floor, she eagerly hefted the trophy in her hands. “Alright! Where is the fucker?!” She directed her question towards Jasmine and Harsh, ready to smack this ghost bastard into oblivion. 

So this is what exorcisms were like. Harsh had seen one or two in his time, but he usually hadn’t been caught in the middle of them. He was going to have to go back to that after this. Being on the human side of things sucked. Cursing he batted away flying bits of bottles and dishes, keeping the debris from Jasmine as much as possible. She could do her thing, all he had to do was make sure she and Nell were--fuck, and there went Nell. Jasmine had the salt circle, so he rushed after Nell, ducking under another flying barstool as he skidded to the table. Iron, right. That was a good idea. He snatched up a hefty iron rod, turning just in time to smack a chair out of the air, sending it clattering across the room. “You can’t see him?” Ghost rules were stupid. He pointed. “There, he’s right in front of that booth. Help Jasmine, I’ll get him.” Harsh charged, swinging the iron right through the shrimpy little asshole’s spectral form. That wouldn’t get rid of him, he knew enough about ghosts to be sure of that, so he turned, frantic, searching for where the bastard might pop up next.

Any other time, Jasmine would have appreciated Nell gassing her up. This was not one of those times and she did her best to ignore it. Her hand was clasped around her necklace to help her find the focus and strength she needed to get through this ritual. Thankfully, the crowd seemed eager to get out of there quickly which just left her, Nell, and Harsh. That was… better. The last thing she needed was some random person to be standing by because some pathetic poltergeist held a grudge against her. Everything kept whipping around her and she kept going with the familiar Latin phrases that were admittedly much more difficult to annunciate after… how many margaritas had she had? Way too many to be performing an exorcism in the middle of a god damn Chili’s of all places. Her fists were clenched at her side and her voice was shouting over the howling wind. The longer she went, the weaker she could feel her body becoming. Her legs felt wobbly as if she was on rough waters and her voice was no longer carrying the same strong tone. Black was beginning to pinch around the edges of her eyes and she knew they had to finish this soon, but despite her efforts, Larry Bob wasn’t even being pulled into the circle. From the corner of her eye, she saw Nell rip a table apart. God, she hoped those table legs were iron. She wasn’t sure how much longer she could keep this up.

Nell wasn’t sure how exactly she was meant to help Jasmine as Harsh has asked. After all, she wasn’t an exorcist in any sense of the word. Sure- Jasmine could probably sap some strength from her if needed as both their practices were centered in magic, but wouldn’t the quicker option be to just get rid of the ghost? Nevertheless, she momentarily made her way to Jasmine, recognizing the signs of fatigue taking hold of the woman. Squinting her eyes against the wind, Nell reached out to place a hand on the exorcist’s back, siphoning her power into the woman so that Jasmine might stand taller. “Is it working?” she yelled over the din of the Chili’s unable to gauge where things were when she couldn’t even see Larry Bob. Once she was satisfied that Jasmine wasn’t going to collapse, the witch hefted her table leg once again- simply itching to run through some uppity trust fund ghost. Spotting Harsh, she made her way back towards him, jamming her hand into his so that he might guide her. “Just take me with you, and I’ll swing where you swing!” Why hadn’t she brought along those ghost seeing goggles she’d won in the arts and crafts contest? Hindsight was truly 20/20. But hopefully the combined effort of their iron would be enough to dispel Larry Bob if Jasmine didn’t get there first.

“Got it.” Gripping Nell’s hand tight, Harsh turned in a quick circle, looking for that little asshole. There. He gave Nell a pull forward. “There, in front of the stupid chili painting with the purple hat,” he said, voice low, though it was unlikely the ghost could have even hard him over the rush of wind and smashing of furniture. “Charge on three. I’ll hit him high, you hit him low. One, two, three--” Did it matter where you hit a ghost? Harsh wasn’t sure. But if they could just disrupt the bastard enough, maybe it would give Jasmine a break, or at least drive him out of this stupid restaurant. On his mark, Harsh lunged forward, pulling Nell along with him. He probably could have just carried her, that might have been more coordinated than their awkward rush forward. With a great swing, he brought his iron rod straight through Larry Bob’s smug face.

Even with Nell’s hand on her back, Jasmine couldn’t seem to banish Larry Bob no matter how hard she tried. Was her slurred speech impacting the Latin? There had to be something, but she had to keep going. There was no other option. That was, until she saw Harsh and Nell charging from the corner of her eye. A protective instinct rose in her despite knowing Nell was more than capable, but it seemed to be for not. As their table legs collided with Larry Bob, he dissipated. He was far from gone for good, but she could breathe again. She let herself fall back against the bar as fatigue overcame her. God, exorcisms and margaritas were not a good combination. She weakly looked between the two before taking in the mess around her. “Thanks,” she croaked, “We need…” They needed to leave. Make sure he didn’t come back. But should they check for people? Everyone had shuffled out pretty quickly and the bar took the brunt of the damage. And she was tired. So freaking tired. “Go,” she finally said though she found herself unable to meet either of their eyes. 

Nell had slashed her iron table leg in tandem with Harsh, and judging by his and Jasmine’s reactions— their attack had been successful, momentarily banishing Larry Bob back to wherever it was he went when he dissipated. Dropping her makeshift weapon where she stood, Nell instinctively went over to Jasmine, leaning herself against the exorcist in an attempt to provide some support in the wake of spending so much energy. Funneling her magic towards Jasmine, she tried to lend the woman more of her strength, knowing she still had more to give, and wanting to have Jasmine steady on her feet. “Yes- we should get out of here,” Nell agreed, looking around the wreckage of the Chili’s. With the spoken words of a spell, and a stomp of her foot, Nell magically scanned the rest of the restaurant for any other life signatures, but the only one’s present seemed to be her and Jasmine. And Harsh, of course— though it was notable that he didn’t show up with the spell. Generally, the magic was still able to sense the presence of the undead, and she wondered if it was Harsh’s lack of soul that was making him undetectable. “No one else is here- let’s ditch this popsicle stand. No good fucking ghost,” she mumbled as she tried to herd Jasmine towards the exit, waving Harsh over as well. “You’re both okay, right?”

The asshole was gone, for now. Stupid ghosts. Harsh really needed to learn more about them, maybe Jasmine had books he could borrow… if she wasn’t about to have a whole lot of questions for him. Maybe she would forget the whole bit about how hunters couldn’t see ghosts. Regrouping with her and Nell, Harsh glanced about the restaurant. No heart beats he could hear, there were some panicked ones outside, but most were moving away quickly, and beyond that… sirens. Fuck. “Yeah, we should go, the cops will be here soon and I don’t really want to try to explain an exorcism to them.” He followed along after Nell, a few quick steps bringing him to Jasmine’s other side as he offered his arm. “I’m good, what about you two? That was rough.” His eyes flitted about as they made for the exit, looking for any sign of that smug ghostly piece of shit. “I’m guessing that was a friend of yours, Jasmine?”

Tomorrow was going to be a hangover from hell, that much Jasmine was sure of though she felt steadier on her feet with Nell’s support. Something about it made her feel a little stronger, too. “Yeah, a little shaken up, but nothing some takeout and water can’t fix.” With the confirmation no one was still lingering around, she followed her friends out and quickly realized she was going to need to take care of Larry Bob sooner rather than later. “An old colleague who blames me for the fact he was in an accident like I was supposed to know the deck he was walking on would just collapse.” She had felt bad he died, even if she had never liked him all that much, but he was certainly making it harder and harder to sympathize. She took slow and careful steps towards her car before throwing the keys to Harsh. “You mind driving,” she asked before adding, “I’ll order everyone dinner once we get back to my place.” As she’d also be hitting the books and hitting up every contact she knew in order to get rid of Larry Bob once and for all.

[cometcrystal]

favorite & least favorite scooby monsters by series

stipulations: the racist ones (zen tuo, the witch doctors, etc) would all get “least fav” by default so i’m gonna exclude them from this list so i’m not being redundant. we all know the racist ones are the worst. so these are my least favs that aren’t like. problematic.

ALSO it has to be a person in disguise OR an actual monster. it can’t be a villain that’s grounded in reality. so while i love professor huh, he doesn’t count here cause he’s a human and just Like That. likewise, i hate pericles, but he doesn’t count here cause he’s a bird and thus neither a guy in a mask nor a monster

sdway

fav - honestly a tie between the space kook and charlie. literally the GOATs. legends. 

least fav - THE ZOMBIE. FUCK THAT THING I HATE IT SO MUCH IT DOES NOTHING AND YET IT GETS MERCH

new sd movies

fav - moat monster. its just a big ol frog!

least fav - the ghost of redbeard. come the fuck on guys

the rest under the cut

tsds

fav - 10000 volt ghost and the technicolor ghosts. ik theyre just recolors of the giggling green ghosts but THEYRE ICE CREAM THEMED!! the creepy heap from the deep is also scary to me like if i saw him i’d run. honorary mentions are the skeleton men bc theyre cyclops but scooby doo doesnt care about calling stuff what it is and i think its funny and also i like the pterodactyl ghost. this show had a lot of good monsters

least fav - the rambling ghost. i dont dislike him but i dont rly DISLIKE any of the monsters from this series so i just picked the sports-themed one

scooby & scrappy

fav - the star creature. this thing is SO damn cool and unique. i also like the neon phantom because... what a weird concept

least fav - the blue scarab. BORING

new scooby & scrappy

fav - i guess the great white shark wins be default because i dont really care abt any of the others from this series. this show’s strength was daphne being back, not the monsters

least fav - phantom of the soaps. what a fucking loser

new sd mysteries 

im gonna keep it real with you chief! i was looking over the list of monsters and i literally dont remember a damn thing about any of them so i must have been disassociating for this entire series

13 ghosts

fav - DEMONDO. a comic book monster??? GOD thats so cool

least fav - nekara. dont take van ghoul away from his kids they need their dad

pup

fav - stinkweed cause i think its one of the only plant monsters scooby has had so far. also the design is very good

least fav - headless skateboarder. simon seville voice marijuana an unlawful substance used to experience artificial highs

wnsd

fav - the leeland brothers but i think its just because i love the chase song from that episode. also the mystery machine because i like when the mystery machine becomes evil and twisted. AND the toxic terror because fight capitalism + good design

least fav - headless snowman. it’s not even headless for god’s sake

sdmi

fav - the entity is honestly a shoo-in. name another scooby villain more evil and with as much impact. honorary mentions are the ghost truck, junk, the horrible herd, and the cicada monolith for some truly unique and scary monster concepts, and to the manticore for being marcie. sdmi had a TON of good ones

least fav - daphne’s writing wakka wakka. for real though fuck the dandy highwayman

bcsd

fav - the ghost of mother wins by FAR. probably the only tv scooby monster that actually legit creeped me out. also the rebooted space kook bc he’s had a glo up. bcsd also has a ton of good monsters!

least fav - the yeti bc the joke about it making no sense was funny but also the yeti itself doesn’t really do that much

guess who 

fav - i love the just so fucked up and twisted sia. its just sia but now shes evil. ALSO the screaming skulls of london & the dinosaurs in weird al ep are very good

least fav - the man-bat because it’s not even the actual dc man-bat it’s just the fucking joker again

scrappy era movies

fav - mirror shaggy. WAY better than werewolf shaggy imo

least fav - i wish i could bash in the skulls of reluctant werewolf’s version of count dracula and his two minions

zombie island era

fav - giant turkey :) & phantom virus! extremely cool monster he’ll zap ya!

least fav - as much as i LOVE the visceral horror and discomfort when fred rips off the zombie’s head cause he thought it was a mask, i just dont care about any of the monsters in zombie island

wnsd movies

fav - the loch ness monster. GENUINELY impressive. also the ghost of cleopatra bc god queen shit. bonus points go to everything in the goblin king

least fav - the chupacabra because THE CUPACABRA IS A DEMON DOG, NOT A BIGFOOT!!! and the yowie yahoo because THE YOWIE IS A BIGFOOT, NOT A VAMPIRE!!! literally how hard is it to do a google search before you design a monster

2002 & monsters unleashed

fav - its gotta be the 10000 volt ghost again. he’s my man

least fav - THE ZOMBIE!!!!!! FUCK THIS THING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

cartoon network live actions

fav - the ghosts in the first movie SO good guys theyre SO good

least fav - shelma

2010s dtv movies

fav - THE PHANTOSAUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELL YES & the red ghost from the bobby flay movie is also extremely good imo i LOVE its design. & the multiple phantoms in stage fright. literally name something more iconic than the multiple phantoms

least fav - the big top werewolf.......scooby doo one of the things i love most dearly about you is when you make out-of-place monsters WORK (ex. a gryphon in a stage magic movie) but i really want something more exciting for a circus movie

dtv 20min shorts

fav - cornfield clem is my boy because i never cared about scarecrows before i saw this and he made me care. he and the scarecrow in scary stories to tell in the dark both showed me scarecrows can be interesting. thank u clem i love you.

least fav - i like all these monsters but ill list the sea monster here because just drink him up lol

[thesilkenlair]

(Casey Here!)

As much D&D as I play, you'd imagine I would eventually get around to illustrating some of their most iconic monsters! Which is to say, the ones that I personally find the most iconic. Which is to say, the ones I memorized when I was reading my dad's monster manual at age nine. Purple worm - Sandworms never go out of style. I've seen a lot of rad designs for this bugger over the editions, but I favor the slightly less reptilian older takes for this particular critter. It's kinda basic, but sometimes that's what you want. It's like a shark or a crocodile: Just flat out unchanged across the ages. Hook horror - I've heard it rumored that Gygax used a small Gigan figure to represent this monster. I can't verify that, but it definitely sounds right. Hook horrors are one of the very first things you meet when you play around in the caves, and they kind of remind me of the Father Deep monsters of the Hork Bajir homeworld that way. Mind flayer - Mind flayers! Basically, take all of your Dracula conventions and dip them in a fresh coat of Lovecraft. There's that old "decadent aristocratic upper caste system who literally eats the poor, but still somehow comes across as less evil than the actual real life 1%" setup that will never stop being relevant. Though personally, I see mind flayers as the first alternative for folks who want to play that monster-who-feels-the-urge-to-eat-their-friends-but-refuses-to-do-it shtick but don't want to deal with vampire baggage. You know, the furry option! ... Slimy? Rubbery? Do we have a word for anthro-cephalopods? I'm only a casual furry. Gelatinous cube - I'm not apologizing for giving this one a slot. Froghemoth - So, back when I participated in my very first long-term campaign, I played a druid. You've met Talia before. Naturally, I was chomping at the bit for the day I finally got to turn her into a froghemoth, and celebrated the day my wish was finally granted and she was allowed to chug human-supremacist-cultists like popcorn. Yeah, okay, the froghemoth is one of the classic vore-monsters. But it's a charming design in its own right. Kind of a freaky Hanna Barbara critter, like you'd see Space Ghost fighting. No matter how many artists draw it, they can never shake that inherent goofiness that third edition tried so hard to purge. I would probably cram them somewhere onto Fronterra if I was sure they were public domain. As is, I'm 99% certain that this is what Visser Three turned into when he ate Elfangor. Tarrasque - D&D's original kaiju! Kind of just takes the name and nothing else when it comes to its mythological origins, but I don't mind. The Tarrasque is that endgame "let's test the players" final boss monster... Or at least it's supposed to be. My DM reskinned it for our final Pathfinder session, and one of the PCs still nearly killed it in a single turn. Also, he let Talia turn into one, so maybe Pathfinder is just bullshit? Regardless, the Tarrasque has one of those simple, iconic designs. I've heard rumors it was based on the concept art for Fallout's deathclaws, and like the Gigan-figure, I can't verify this in any way. With its reptilian features, twin horns, spiny carapace and grabby fingies, it has an undeniable lizardlike quality that I can't help but find charming. Kinda feels like a more refined version of Zilla? Though for an insatiable eating machine, I notice a lot of artists give it very little belly to work with. Come on, this guy eats entire cities! Give him somewhere to put it! Rust monster - An icon of icons, the rust monster! Drawing its origin from a bizarre Chinese "dinosaur" toy, later designs have made it more insectoid in appearance, but never feeling QUITE like anything Earthly. It's the four limbs. Between the four limbs and the tail, it's hard to tell if it's an arthropod mimicking a vertebrate or the other way around. I'm pretty sure this is part of what inspired my ossaderm creatures for Fronterra. Also, Ryla can turn into one in our campaign. I have no shortage of havoc to wreak when the opportunity comes. Behir - Dragons in D&D are kind of... extra. Godlike beings, paragons of whatever personality trait they represent. Whenever there's something uber powerful in D&D, it gets compared to dragons. It makes them kind of unapproachable. Behirs provide all the essentials of a dragon - Serpentine body, scaly skin, horns, sapience, breath weapon, taste for human flesh - wrapped up in a smaller, weirder, IMO cooler package. You know, your Lambton Worms. A lot easier to port in and out of adventures, a lot less of an event when they show up, but still a formidable force in their own right. I like the behir. The behir knows how to taunt me just the right amount. Bulette - Another Chinese "dinosaur" figure monster, the bulette is actually another one I associate with Talia. Whenever we faced a problem that didn't have a glaringly and immediately obvious solution, she would turn into a bulette, whether it was for beating up robots, digging through obstacles, trampling smurfs, navigating labyrinths, distracting slashers with cute dog tricks... it was kind of her signature form. But shenanigans aside, the bulette is just an excellent monster. While the "land shark" shtick may be common, there's a lot more going on with the bulette's design. It's rumored to be a mad wizard's creation, as he combined a snapping turtle with an armadillo and mixed in a helping of demon blood to taste. Personally, I always considered that to be a neat little rumor to flesh out the world, but never assumed it to be true. The bulette just feels too naturalistic for that. Like some kind of protomammal or crocodylomorph, or weird triassic monstrosity. Magic and demons and dragons and so on DO affect the ecosystem. I always figured the bulette was just something that evolved to compete in this new biosphere. Owlbear - This one, on the other hand, I fully believe the "mad wizard was bored" explanation. Another chinasaur critter, the owlbear is frequently made fun of. What makes it scarier than a regular bear? It can't fly, so why have owl parts at all? Why trade fangs for a beak in what is at best a latural move? Well, first of all, fuck you, owls are creepy motherfuckers, and that alone is enough to justify it. But secondly, that's part of its charm. Besides some improved vision, the owl DOESN'T make it more dangerous. What makes the owlbear dangerous is that it's an insane, Frankensteinian monstrosity roaming uncontrolled through the wilderness! It doesn't need weaponry, its sheer temperament is enough to make it a worthy opponent. Sure, the practical threat might not be hugely above that of a bear, but storytelling isn't about numbers. Any asshole can go outside and get eaten by a bear. The owlbear is part of this world. The owlbear is a reminder of what magic can do. Someone somewhere actually made this thing, for whatever reason, and now the world is irrevocably changed because of it. Owlbears go beyond practicality. They bring the lore! Also, bears don't have very good eyesight, so the big owl eyes probably make them better hunters. Flumph - Is that a Japanese-style martian? Do we just have aliens in D&D? Dear lord, I love them! Okay, the flumph has got a sizable hatedom. And that hatedom can eat my ass, because the flumph is precious and perfect just the way it is! Flumphs are designed as a sort of sidekick-type creature. They're not very good fighters, but they bring knowledge and lore to the table. Whether they're aliens from some far off star, seeking your aid to prevent catastrophe, or psionic natives of the Underdark eager to bask in your positivity and hopefully stick it to the tyrants they're forced to share real estate with. My group generally treats them as straight up aliens, benevolent but strange. Course, we're all pretty strange, so we get along just fine. Otyugh - Okay so, the aberration creature type implies that this is something from another world that doesn't belong. And yet otyughs, which are aberrations, are an essential part of this world's ecosystem? Okay, I can buy the idea that an alien organism adapted to our world and is now a key part of it. Fronterra's got a TON of that. It just feels like after a point, the otyugh would be considered a beast? Otyughs are great. Every ecosystem needs a decomposer, and every fantasy story needs at least one dive into the sewers. Otyughs provide both, and are intelligent enough to keep the plot moving if it hits a snag. There's always going to be garbage, refuse, carrion, decay, things that need to be broken down and processed. Carrion crawler - The carrion crawler is pretty similar to the otyugh in that it's technically not considered a beast, and therefor must have its origins elsewhere, but feels so integrated into the ecosystem that it just feels like it belongs. They usually can't talk, so they're not just reskinned otyughs, but I still consider them pretty essential. Otyughs find a singular spot where waste is dumped and shovel it down at their leisure, while carrion crawlers skulk through the tunnels, actively seeking their food. The crawler got one of the most radical redesigns on the transition from second to third edition, but I can't really choose a single favorite. The oldschool tentacle-faced cutworm looks like it could be a real animal, while the googly-eyed Halloween decoration feels like it could be from another world, merely having set up shop here. Could there name apply to two wholly different creatures? If so, then I'm not sure which one mine would be considered. I kinda mashed them together into something that doesn't quite feel like either. But I like it for what it is. Maybe I'll sneak it onto Fronterra. Aboleth - Tentacled, telepathic sea creatures who turn humans into slimy minions, who remember everything their race has ever seen, and who are always plotting something behind the scenes. Yeah, the aboleths really crank up the Lovecraft elements. Actually, between the mind flayers, the flumphs and the aboleths, even the most oldschool D&D covered quite a few essential Lovecraftian bases. The flayers are your corrupt yet still recognizable humanoids who can be considered truly evil, the flumphs are benevolent-yet-bizarre guardians who know more than you, and the aboleths are the truly unknowable, sinister intellects. The fact that they can barely function on land honestly only adds to that, IMO. They're inherently difficult for a party to reach, and they offer some nice underwater adventure seeds. Not enough adventures go underwater. There's this perception that the ocean is bad for storytelling because so many writers lack the creativity to make it work. I wanna run an underwater adventure now. Beholder - Icon of icons! THE D&D monster! The beholder! Paranoid, jumpy, always five steps ahead and twenty steps perpendicular! Beholds are fun in just about every way. Between their wacky, diverse designs, their elaborate lairs, their eccentric personalities, their bizarre powers, you're never gonna run out of fun with beholders. Remorhaz - It's always been a thing that bothered me with environment-based monsters. Why does the ice monster who lives in the cold use ice as a weapon? Aren't most of the things it encounters going to be resistant to the cold? Sure, a cone of cold will still kill a polar bear, but a lot of the monsters in the tundra are outright immune to cold. A while dragon's not going to get much use out of its breath weapon fighting frost worms and frost giants. That's one reason the remorhaz sticks out to be. We have an icy tundra beast whose insides are a scorching furnace, which it can intensify and weaponize as it sees fit. Which also conveniently explains why its design - a sort of cobra-esque centipede - invokes warm-weather creatures, despite its icy environment. It's a nice subversion of the usual tropes, plus it's just a memorable, cool looking critter to begin with. On a smaller note, the remorhaz feels like a good loophole for Ryla's "no cold weather morphs" rule. Turning into something elementally affiliated with ice is no good, but a non-magical monster that survives the cold by superheating its insides? That seems perfectly viable to me!

[sbtlns]

Little One

Warnings: angst, kidnapping, mainly fluff though

A/N: Super cute request, I kinda strayed a little bit, but I had fun writing this one! Send me any requests you might have!

Castiel checked the time and determined that the brothers should be back within the hour. He passed on their latest case, giving a vague excuse of having business to deal with in Heaven. It wasn’t a lie, he was just careful in not telling to whole truth. As the brothers had been packing for their trip, Castiel had received an odd prayer. 

           “Castiel, please, I hope you can hear this. It’s Y/N. I..I’m in trouble. I need you..I..I’m scared. Please brother. Help me.”

Castiel shot up, knocking his chair over in the process, and gaining attention from the brothers. Sam and Dean exchanged quizzical looks. “Uh, Cas everything okay buddy?” Dean asked hesitantly. Castiel turned to him with wide eyes. “I...” he cleared his throat, regaining his stoic composure. “Yes, everything is fine. I will not be able to accompany you. I have business to attend to.. in Heaven.” Before the brothers could ask for more details, Castiel had poofed out of the room in search for Y/N. 

He traced the prayer to an abandoned warehouse. Typical, he thought to himself. He snuck in stealthily, angel blade in hand. His eyes scanned the room, quickly spotting Y/N in the center of the room, tied to a chair. Two demons were guarding her, making sure she didn’t escape. Castiel felt his blood begin to boil and he saw red. “Y/N, do not be afraid,” he mentally thought to her. Y/N stiffened in her chair upon hearing Castiel in her mind. “Stay still and act natural. Tell me, little one, how many are there?” “Cassie. Thank father. Thank you thank you,” she gushed. “Um, I counted five but three of them left I don’t know where they went. Cassie, this is a trap, they took me to get you. I’m sorry I didn’t know.” Castiel felt a wave of guilt wash over him. Y/N was his youngest sister, the purest and kindest being he had ever had the pleasure of knowing. She did not deserve this. 

“Do not watch this, Y/N,” Castiel thought to her, in an attempt to preserve her innocence. He stormed the demons, catching them off guard. He knocked both to the ground, smiting them instantly. He immediately turned to Y/N and quickly untied her. Her weak body collapsed into his and he felt her sobs shake through her. “It’s alright, Y/N, I have you, you are safe,” he murmured into her hair. He kissed the top of her head and she felt his grace surge through her, healing any damage the demons had caused. Suddenly, she straightened, trying to wriggle out from his grasp. “Brother! Behind you!” she screamed. Castiel whirled around, still holding Y/N. The remaining three demons were charging toward them, angel blades out ready to attack. Castiel quickly poofed the two of them back to the bunker, out of harm’s way. 

Y/N flinched in her older brother’s arms, wary of the new surroundings. Castiel slowly released her, setting her down on her feet. “You are safe here, little one, I’ll watch over you,” he smiled softly at her. Y/N looked around the room they were currently in, spotting hundreds of books lining the shelves. Castiel chuckled as she slowly spun in a circle, staring in awe of the bunker’s vast library. “What is this place?” she asked breathlessly. “The Men of Letters bunker. It belongs to my friends, they are legacies. They will not mind you staying here, it is the safest place you could be,” Cas cast his gaze down guiltily. “Demons will not find you here,” he added softly. Y/N bit her lip, she hated seeing her big brother down like this. He had a tendency to be way too hard on himself, despite all the good he does. She wrapped her arms around him quickly, catching him off guard. Castiel looked down at her in surprise before returning the hug.

“You saved me big brother,” Y/N said, giggling against his chest. “Thank you.” Castiel’s heart swelled. “I will always protect you,” he said softly. Castiel noticed her frame was shaking slightly, most likely from the shock of the ordeal she had just been through. An idea popped into his head. He released her, moving his hands to her shoulders. “Stay here, make yourself comfortable. I will make you some tea,” he smiled. Y/N tilted her head in confusion. “Brother...we don’t.. drink” she said questioningly. He chuckled. “I know. It is something of a human comfort. I have found it to be comforting myself,” he replied. “Sit,” Castiel began, “I believe you will find these books interesting.” Cas left Y/N and made his way to the kitchen to brew his baby sister some tea. 

Y/N was so immersed in a lore book that she didn’t hear the bunker’s door open, nor the heavy footsteps making their way to the library. She did, however hear the sound of duffel bags hitting the floor and looked up in time to see two flannel clad men pointing guns at her. “Who are you?” the shorter man demanded sternly. Y/N cowered further into her chair while her eyes grew wide and her mouth opened and closed, searching for the words to say. “Castiel!” she cried, finally. Castiel came running into the library, finding his two best friends pointing guns at his baby sister. “SAM, DEAN,” he bellowed. The brothers immediately snapped their heads in his direction. “Guns. Down. Now.” he commanded through his teeth. Sam and Dean shot each other a wary look before lowering their weapons. The sound of Y/N’s whimper drew the brothers’ attention back to the stranger sitting in their library. Castiel crossed the room quickly, stepping slightly in front of Y/N. 

“Sam, Dean, this is Y/N,” he smiled at you before turning back to the Winchesters. “My youngest sister,” he explained proudly. Sam and Dean’s eyebrows raised as they holstered their guns back in their waistbands. “Your sister?” Sam repeated. “Yes, she was captured by demons. I received her prayer for help before you left for your hunt,” he stated. “That explains the Heaven business,” Dean muttered. “Yes,” Castiel continued, “The demons used her to get to me,” he hung his head. “I should’ve known. I’m sorry, little one. I should’ve protected you before-” “Cassie,” Y/N cut him off. “This isn’t your fault, and besides you got there before they could really hurt me, don’t be so hard on yourself,” Y/N said reassuringly, smiling up at him. 

“Cassie?” Dean scoffed. Castiel’s cheeks turned pink. He cleared his throat before muttering, “She could not pronounce my name as a fledgling.” The two brothers shared an amused look. “Okay, Cassie, is she going to stay here then?” Sam teased. Y/N interrupted before Castiel could respond, “if that’s alright..I don’t wanna be any trouble,” she said shyly, looking at the two men before looking down. “No trouble at all,” Dean assured. “As long as you tell us embarrassing stories about Cassie,” he added. Castiel’s jaw clenched, but soon unclenched at the sound of Y/N’s laughter. He hadn’t heard the angelic sound in centuries it felt like. 

The four of them moved to the map table, Sam and Dean drinking beers while Cas gave Y/N her cup of tea. Her face scrunched up after taking the first sip. Castiel chuckled. “I find the molecules to be pleasant with some of this,” he said, handing her a jar of honey. Y/N eagerly poured a laughable amount of honey into her mug, earning a chuckle from the brothers. She took a sip and hummed. “Thank you Cassie,” she said leaning into his side. 

“So, Y/N,” about these embarrassing stories...” Dean prompted. Y/N giggled against Castiel, who gave Dean a warning look. “So...you know the astroid that wiped out the dinosaurs?” Y/N began shyly, barely looking up at the two men. Castiel stiffened next to her. Dean nodded, encouraging her to continue. Y/N had the Winchesters howling in laughter, clutching their sides as she continued telling stories of a younger Castiel’s cosmic fuck ups. Eventually, Castiel relaxed and sheepishly interjected to add details that Y/N had missed.

Y/N stayed with the Winchesters. She was a huge help to Sam in researching the lore, she had been alive for most of it and was eager to learn about what she didn’t already know. Castiel initially prohibited Y/N from joining the three men on hunts, but sheepishly backed down after she had snuck away to secretly join them on a hunt and saved all of them from a nest of vampires. More than anything, Castiel was relieved that he had Y/N back by his side and swore on his existence that he would do anything to protect her. 

[dolphin-bouillabaisse]

GO-ctober prompts, 12

Inktober except without the ink, and with drabbles instead.

Prompt #12 - Dragon

(previous | next | beginning)

(find it all on Ao3)

“Hold up. Hold up. What do you mean they're not real?”

“Not real. Never existed.”

“But there's bones! Bones and fragments and- there's a whole scientific field about them!” “Nah.” Crowley swirled his almost empty wineglass around. “S'all just a big joke.”

“Dinosaurs aren't real.” Anathema stared at the ceiling from her current position of 'slumped down on the sofa that was just as comfortable as it looked and surprisingly big enough to hold two very drunk people- ...entities? without them hanging all over each other'. She rather supposed it wasn't that big on usual days, when it was two different entities sitting on it.

“Dinosaurs aren't real.” Crowley echoed and refilled his glass and then hers, as she held it out for him.

“I'm too drunk for this, I think.” She said, even as the red was still pouring into her hand.

“Sober up then.”

“I can't just do that.”

“Sheesh, your kind is useless.”

“Well, forgive me for being made that way, apparently.” Despite her meager protests, she took a big gulp of wine. Having to come to terms with all the truths Crowley kept confronting her with needed proper alcoholic lubrication. “So, no dinosaurs.”

“Nope.”

“What about- oh, what about werewolves? And vampires?”

“Nah. All those scary things were just you humans trying to find a good story for the horrible things other humans did. Or animals, I guess.”

“So nothing from fantasy is really real, then?”

“That's a broad assumption.” Crowley leant back on the sofa, but Anathema's look was pleading enough for him to go on. “Most of it's not, no. But some stuff. Like...” He thought about it, but not long. “Like unicorns. Those were real, but only for a really short time.” “Get out. Unicorns? You're having a laugh.”

“Nah, unicorns were a thing. But there's nothing left over, those horns they kept finding weren't real ones.”

Anathema paused, and contemplated.

“Loch Ness Monster.”

“That, I'm not telling you.” He grinned in an unsettling kind of way, and Anathema was suddenly very much reminded that she was dining with the devil, so to speak. Or had been dining. They'd come back from the restaurant about two hours ago, but the wine had not stopped since. She didn't dare ask about it. “I make good money out of that conspiracy. Also, the Scots would have my head for it, one way or another.”

She hummed, understanding only a little bit and taking another sip. The room was starting to become slightly blurry.

“And dragons?”

“Oh, those were real. But the middle ages all but killed them off.” Crowley already refilled his glass again. “Might be some poor buggers hiding in caves somewhere in the tundra, or something, I dunno.”

“You're fucking kidding me.” Anathema sat up a bit, careful not to slosh any wine on her surroundings (one scolding from an angel was enough to teach her). “Dragons are real, but dinosaurs are not?”

“Yep.”

“Does that mean some of the dinosaur bones were actually dragons?”

“Could be. S'not like I really check up on them, y'know.” She sank down again, contemplating this new information, until a soft but stern voice behind them caught her attention.

“Don't listen to him, dear.” Aziraphale had wandered over from the middle of the shop, where he'd gotten lost in some books while trying to look up something Anathema had asked him about an hour ago. “Dragons are not real, and never were.”

“Oh.” She only muttered, as Crowley put his tongue out towards the angel.

“Oh come on, angel, let me have some fun with this.”

“So dragons aren't real.” Anathema repeated between them before they could dissolve into another bickering argument, as they often did. “Are dinosaurs, then?”

“Oh no, those are absolutely a joke.” Aziraphale patted her shoulder as he went past, a wineglass suddenly in his hand, stretched out for Crowley to fill before he went back to his armchair.

“How do you guys know all this? I mean, you-” the wineglass in her hand pointed to Aziraphale, and almost dripped on the carpet a little bit, “you know, obviously, angel and creation and-and all that, but-”

“Now I know you're really getting too drunk.” Crowley's voice was deeper than usual. “I already explained the demon and fallen angel thing to you.”

“Oh.” She mumbled into her glass. “Oh, yeah. Sorry. That was rude.”

“S'fine. Like I care.”

“So you both know- basically, you know everything?”

“Yes.” Crowley said.

“Absolutely not.” Aziraphale said. “We know a lot, yes, given the fact that we've been on Earth rather a long time now, but we weren't all involved in everything.”

“We were at the most important bits, though.” Crowley started counting off on one hand, but quickly gave up when he realised he would need far more fingers for that. “The whole Ark thing, and the Jesus thing, and most of the important kings and emperors, and the revolutions – how many were there, again? - and, and when they invented fireworks, and glass, and- basically a lot of inventions, and lots of political stuff, although that gets really boring and repetitive after a while, and-”

“Dear.” Aziraphale interrupted him, albeit with a smile. “You're rambling.”

Crowley also sloshed his wine in his direction, not caring at all that some of it did spill. “I'm drunk, angel.”

“That you are.”

“Did you know that humans can't sober up?”

“Of course I did. And you do, too. You just like to be contrary.”

Anathema was still working stuff through her head as they chatted on, which was slightly difficult given the level of inebriation she'd achieved, and the constant background noise of two immortal beings bickering around like 12-year-olds (she had more than enough experience with both of these groups by now). She came to another important question after a while, though, and decided not to wait for a pause that would never come to ask it.

“How does that feel?”

“How does what feel, exactly?”

“I'm afraid we've missed a little part of your question there, dear, in your head.”

“How does it feel- to be there when things like that happen? Like, standing around at court and watching people party and waiting for the revolution to start? Or seeing people get sick and knowing it's gonna be the plague and, I mean, everyone will die? Doesn't it feel horrible?”

“That's not how it works.” Crowley sighed and leant back some more, and Anathema could almost feel the weight on his shoulders from remembering. “We don't know what's gonna happen, just like you don't know how the future is gonna turn out. You don't know how it's gonna go until you get the news how it went.”

“Then how did you end up in all these important places? There's, I mean, a million – or more – what I mean is, the earth is a biiig place.” Anathema stretched her arms, as if trying to show just how big, and Crowley held her drifting wineglass aloft so it didn't stain his jeans. “How come you were at the right places and not in some... some other place on the other end of the world.”

“Well.” Aziraphale was answering her, but focussed far more on Crowley, who'd taken the wineglass out of her hands and pushed her arm back down a bit. “Some of it was work, you see. Upstairs does know what's going on, so to say, and they would send me there to help out. Simply put, of course.”

Crowley nodded before Anathema turned to him, an almost accusing look in her eye. “Then what's your excuse? I mean, Hell doesn't know, does it? Surely God is not telling the devil how things are gonna happen?”

“We have some pretty good spies and conspirators on our side, though.” Crowley shrugged. “Never really questioned it, to be honest. Would just get the memos of where to travel and who to tempt, and that's it. And then when he showed up” another shaking wineglass in Aziraphale's direction, another red drop on the carpet that disappeared immediately. “I usually knew I was right on track.”

He sunk back down, almost on Anathema's level now, and had another drink before mumbling on.

“'nd sometimes I'd just look him up to see what was going on, cause otherwise things'd get real boring after a while.”

Anathema took another round of thinking for that sentence, which Aziraphale had not actually heard, or at least pretended very well not to have heard, as he gave no reaction to it.

“That's actually really sweet.” she concluded before Crowley could hush her.

“What is sweet, dear?”

“Crowley following you around cause he got lonely.”

“Did he now?” Aziraphale's smile was beaming, and almost painful to stand, especially after about two and a half bottles of wine.

“Yeah, he just said-” “You are too drunk, book girl.”

“Am not! You just said it!”

“That is rather sweet, my love.”

Crowley groaned, and sunk even deeper. “Tell the whole blessed world, won'tcha?”

“Like a puppy.” The last bit of alcohol was settling into Anathema's brain. “I'm not a dog-”

“Cat, then. Very affectionate cat. They are, sometimes.” “I'm a ssssnake!”

Anathema stared at Crowley, too groggy to really understand. “Do those get affectionate?”

A sudden sound made her head turn, but she wasn't clear enough to recognise it as Aziraphale swallowing down a burst of laughter.

“Well, I'd say this one is.” He smiled over to Crowley, who was – was that a blush? Could demons blush? Anathema had more questions. She was luckily not drunk enough to ask them yet.

[sundayswiththeilluminati]

I have a bunch of thoughts about the War of the Spark novel but I JUST DISCOVERED THERE ARE JAPANESE ANIME VERSIONS OF ALL THE PLANESWALKERS IN THIS SET AND I NEED TO RATE THEM ALL LET’S GO

First off, all images are from here, and credit to their respective artists (listed on the card). In color order, we have:

Karn, the Great Creator: Looks pretty much the same. Like the warping effect of the scenery around him though, and he looks really mad. Minus points for forgetting he wears pants now, but the English artist forgot too so I can’t ding them too hard. 6/10.

Ugin, the Ineffable: All of Ugin’s cards kinda look like this, but there’s not much else you can do with him. Like the more aggressive action pose than his English art. 6/10 did not need the crotch shot though.

Gideon Blackblade: The English art is actually way more anime than this one. This Gideon just looks bored. 3/10.

Teyo, the Shieldmage: Now this is what I’m talking about. Clearly an anime take on the same model as the photorealistic English art, but jazzed up with a super-cool action pose as befits someone in the middle of a massive war. 10/10.

The Wanderer: The Wanderer already had a super-anime look and this art brings it home. Love the slash extending over the text box. Looks like the scene that comes right before the English art, like this is the freeze-frame ninja slash and the English one is the walking away while your enemy slowly falls down dead. 9/10.

Jace, Wielder of Mysteries: IT’S JOJO’S JACE. JOJACE. Jace never gets to have cool action poses and this one is long overdue. He is definitely about to wield a mystery into an Eternal’s face. 10/10 go get ‘em Jace.

Kasmina, Enigmatic Mentor: Hard to pin down the exact difference, but I like this art way less than the English version. I had to double-check to make sure it was the same character; it’s so generic and has none of the same vibe. Then again the English version was done by Villeneuve so maybe it’s not a fair competition. 2/10.

Narset, Parter of Veils: This is a beautiful portrait of Narset back when she was 12. Anime has a major problem drawing any woman between the age of 18 and 65 and Narset is just the first victim in this list. Everything else looks amazing; it’s especially a shame here because Narset has that flowing kung-fu silks look that’s right in the anime wheelhouse. 5/10 what could have been.

Davriel, Rogue Shadowmage: He MAD. Almost too mad. Davriel looks so much bigger and scarier in this art that I had to make sure it wasn’t Ob Nixilis. Super-cool final boss style but maybe too super-cool for someone who’s actually a skinny Innistrad shut-in. Kinda generic pose too. 6/10.

Liliana, Dreadhorde General: They brought in Yoshitaka Amano for the mythic, huh? I know I dinged Narset for looking 12 and this Lili looks even younger (if possible) but Amano does have this weird abstracted style and the rest of her looks real spooky. She looks more like a yokai than a person - like this is something you’d get killed by at the finale of a really spooky Japanese horror game. Normally that’d be a good look for Lili but this is the one set where she’s supposed to be at least a little human, so 8/10.

Ob Nixilis, the Hate-Twisted: Big mad demon lad. Not a lot you can do with Ob Nixilis, really. 5/10 did their best with generic material.

Chandra, Fire Artisan: Chandra in the English art always looks like she’s about to throw a fireball, but never does. Now she finally gets to. It’s a generic anime action pose but not one we’ve gotten with Chandra so I’m for it, and she doesn’t look toooooo twelve. Maybe 15. Good colors. 9/10 nice Kirby hand.

Jaya, Venerated Firemage: Was worried about this one because anime doesn’t handle older women well in art, but it’s not too bad. Clearly different from Chandra’s art, which is always gonna be a problem when they’re in the same set. Like her neat twirly staff trick. Something is weird about her face though. Like it was painted on after the rest of it. IDK. 6/10.

Sarkhan, the Masterless: This is the only time I’ve actually been intimidated by Sarkhan. 9/10 doesn’t have a dragon in the art.

Tibalt, Rakish Instigator: Similar to the above, this is the only time I’ve been interested in Tibalt as a character. A way better rendition of the epithet “Rakish Instigator.” Absolutely your friend’s Problematic Fave from an anime they describe as “Hellsing but with more magical girls.” 10/10 would make an excellent Bloodborne NPC.

Arlinn, Voice of the Pack: Same as Narset, this is great art of Arlinn like thirty years ago. Love the dynamic pose (though I can’t figure out what her hand is doing with that hammer), but real Arlinn is a battle-scarred Sigourney Weaver and there aren’t even any wolves. 4/10 needs more wolves.

Jiang Yanggu, Wildcrafter: This one is kinda cheating since Jiang was developed specifically for the Chinese market and is basically an anime character already, but still. Look how pumped he is. Look at Mowu. Look how good of a boy he is. If this were the English art people would be getting mad that he doesn’t look Chinese but that’s a whole stew of identity issues I’m not getting anywhere near. 8/10 adorable good boyes.

Nissa, Who Shakes The World: I’m not...No. I’m not going anywhere near this. Gross. 0/10 keep it on your deviantart page.

Vivien, Champion of the Wilds: What did I just say about Nissa? What did I just say. The action lines swooping out of the art across the frame & text box are cool and that’s the only reason it gets a point. 1/10.

Ajani, the Greathearted: He is a big pretty kitty but honestly this art is kind of a letdown. Given anime’s love of cat-people, this is the place where I’d expect the fanservice, but it’s just basically a model-sheet pose of Ajani. Looks like a bad alter of Brimaz, King of Oreskos. Honestly I’d have expected the English version of this card to be the Japanese one, and vice versa. 3/10 he still a big fluffy kitty.

Domri, Anarch of Bolas: This is RAD. If Domri had to bow out (spoilers) this is the kind of card art to do it on. Beautiful colors, furious pose, avoids the “young boy or butch lesbian” look that most of his other art falls into (that’s not a joke; I’ve fielded multiple questions about his gender from confused new players). Any feral teenager would be thrilled to look this badass. Gruul SMASH. 10/10.

Nicol Bolas, Dragon-God: Is this another artist like Amano who has a kinda stylized look? Because otherwise this is just...bad. Not at all befitting of a dragon-god. You’d think with all of Ravnica before him he’d be able to do better. 2/10.

Ral, Storm Conduit: Honestly can’t decide how I feel about this art. The detail is amazing and the lightning is killer but there’s just something weird about Ral. Maybe he’s not smirking enough. Maybe his legs are too big. I want to like this more than I do, but I don’t. 7/10.

Sorin, Vengeful Bloodlord: I’m so mad about this art because it makes Sorin look way cooler than he has any right to. The sword, the coat, the swirling ribbons of blood. But anime’s always had a way with vampires, so Sorin is the undeserving beneficiary of a skilled Jojo’s upgrade. 8/10 it was ME ALL ALONG yeah you know the joke.

Tamiyo, Collector of Tales: Tamtam’s another character whose East Asian origin makes her very well-suited to the anime look. In fact I’d say her white skin and complicated ears/headdress look turns out better in an anime style than a photorealistic one. Her skeptical look and halo of floating scrolls are just the icing on the cake. 9/10 dinged a point because the happy Ravnica skyline behind her is a weird choice and ill-suited to the mood.

Teferi, Time Raveler: Anime seems to do a lot better with middle-aged men than middle-aged women. A perfectly serviceable, if bland, Teferi. 5/10.

Angrath, Captain of Chaos: He EXTREMELY MAD. Angrath’s signature red-hot chains are perfect for a swirling anime post and the artist took good advantage of them. If anything he’s almost too bestial, though - Angrath is actually a loving family man and blacksmith who’s so furious because he was trapped on Ixalan for decades away from his home and loved ones. 7/10 somehow too mad.

Ashiok, Dream Render: Now that’s how you draw an inscrutable dream-creature who wields your deepest nighmares. 10/10 love the way they seem to be looking the player in the eye, as if they’re about to conjure your specific personal fears.

Dovin, Hand of Control: Perfectly serviceable Dovin art but I don’t like the thopters and that is unforgiveable. 0/10 because fuck this guy, seriously, and 0/10 on the English art for also having bad thopters while we’re at it.

Huatli, the Sun’s Heart: Huatli also suffering a little de-aging here but I’ll let it slide because she absolutely looks like the main character of a cult 90s anime and I would watch the hell out of it. Major Nausicaa vibe here, but with dinosaurs. Sign me up. 9/10 bad riding posture though.

Kaya, Bane of the Dead: Kaya with the straight-up Ghibli treatment here. There’s nothing technically wrong here but it’s totally the wrong mood and pose for her. I’d watch that Ghibli movie though. 4/10.

Kiora, Behemoth-Beckoner: A pretty literal interpretation of the epithet but who cares, it’s badass and way more tasteful than I feared we might get for the one planeswalker who could plausibly be drawn with tentacles. Love the attention paid to the water and the details of it splashing off her fins. 8/10 is that a walrus? but like with tusks on the bottom jaw? upside down walrus?

Nahiri, Storm of Stone: Repeat after me: NAHIRI IS LITERALLY THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD. SHE DOES NOT LOOK LIKE SHE’S FOURTEEN. She looks in her twenties at the youngest. Reminds me of Mara Sov from Destiny, who is also thousands of years old, looks in her twenties, and gets drawn like she’s 12. Even apart from the de-aging this is just awkward art. The pose is bizarre, the background is weirdly photorealistic, and Nahiri has no expression. 3/10 at least it isn’t a boobs & butt pose.

Saheeli, Sublime Artificer: I...do not know what is going on here with Saheeli’s face. Or her body proportions, really. I guess it’s supposed to be foreshortened but her gormless expression and the weird Lisa Frank colors make me think of a Disney Channel cartoon about planeswalkers. The beautiful detail on the flowing metal is nice but the rest is just strange. 4/10 nice metal dragon though.

Samut. Tyrant-Smasher: I really like this art but it makes me think a lot of people are going to make jokes about Samut “looking like a man” or “barely being a woman,” especially since her name isn’t very clearly gendered, and that just makes me sad. The art itself is nice and totally on-model for her, though her shoulders are kind of weirdly broad and it’s a shame they didn’t take advantage of the anime style to do some cool speed lines like her haste-powers need. 8/10 good righteous avenger look.

Vraska, Swarm’s Eminence: Oh maaaaaan, I want to complain about the cartoonishly-young look and the weirdly-realistic background that makes her look composited in, but the artist really nailed that regal pose and took full advantage of her swirling snake-hair. This is definitely a Vraska both large and in charge. 7/10 you still get dinged for de-aging and also is she sitting or standing, it’s hard to tell.

[auroraphilealis]

just a small list of fic recs

Earlier this morning my friends asked for some fake dating phan AU fics and I realized that making a fic rec list might be a good way to show some appreciation for fanfic author appreciation day!

I don’t have all day free like I wish, so I asked my friends for a few smaller catagories that I could shift through and find a few fics to rec from, that way I can get a good mix of fics for people to enjoy, and find as many authors as possible to thank! 

Of course, I can’t possibly have read every fic out there ever, so if you aren’t on here that’s no like, disrespect to you or anything. Every single person whose ever written and posted a fanfic deserves to be recognized and loved for what they’ve produce for us, so just know that I appreciate every single one of you, on or off this list!

To add to this, I tired to pick some older, or smaller works that people may have not seen before to give the authors a little lift if possible :)

Without further ado, below you’ll find some fic recs and author appreciation below !

Fake Relationship:

Our Threadbare Lies - @ramonaspeaks -  Dan is eighteen years old and newly single. He's ready to come out to his family but he thinks it would be a hell of a lot easier if he had a boyfriend to help him through it.

This is like one of my all time favorite fake relationship fics of all time. Honestly it was so well done and really realistic and the writing is just superb. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve re-read this fic, (as well as most of the authors other works) because it was just so well done, so thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to the author for all the hard work they put into it! On top of that, it holds really, really close to 2009 timeline (as we know it) and manages to make things work that might not have worked in their AU if they weren’t so smart about it

Maybe, Possibly - @cafephan -  Phil’s mother is adamant that he should be settling down, so invites one of his turbulent exes to an annual family get-together the following day. In a moment of panic, he tells her he’s already dating someone. With no other options, he turns to Dan.

aldjflkas I fucking love this fic so freaking much. I’ve read it like ten million times. Everytime it shows up on my dash I open it to read it again. It’s just really funny and sweet in a strange way, and captures an essence of dnp that I really enjoy. I like how easy it is for dnp to pretend to be together in this fic, and how easy it is for them to then transition to ACTUALLY being together. It’s the perfect kind of non-dramatic get together fake relationship AU ever and I really, really do love it. Again, massive thank you to the author!

friends dont treat me like you do - @internetakeover (i think i got your @ right) -  Why had Dan agreed to this? Pretending to be Phil’s boyfriend at his ex’s wedding had seemed like a nice idea at first, a way to meet some of Phil’s old university friends while helping him avoid humiliation, but already Dan’s on edge. If Dan allows himself to relax for a day, lets himself watch Phil as much as he wants, touch Phil as much as he wants, carry on their flirtatious banter when normally he’d laugh it off... he’s worried about what Phil might see.

I ended up re-reading this after I stumbled across it again just now hahaha I really love this fic. It’s super cute and a little sappy cause WEDDING FIC but that’s what makes it so worth the read. I love that both Dan and Phil realize how easy their relationship is, and the fact that they’ve technically been dating for a long time and that they love each other. I love that they realize this the way that they do, and it just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, so thank you so much to the author <3

Asexuality

Between Us - @winteredspark who doesnt appear to have a tumblr :( - "I think I'm asexual," Dan breathes against the crook of Phil's neck, blinking back tears.There's a pause, then -"Nice to meet you, asexual. I'm Phil," says Phil.

This is the asexual fic that helped me to realize that I’m asexual and that asexuality is a spectrum that isn’t limited to one version or another. I remember leaving a really long thoughtout comment to the author but I can’t not rec it here as well. It’s just such an amazing asexuality fic and it’s a little bit of a different take not it considering the character exists on a different part of the spectrum than most ace fics portray. I will always be grateful to this author for this fic!

let’s save up for something new - @deletablebird -  Phil wakes up shivering the morning of October 19th, 2009. Today is the day he meets Dan. Fluff, 3.5k

I love this author with my whole heart and I’ve read everything they’ve written lol. This is just a really, really cute and lovely take on 2009 with the asexual aspect included and it really made my heart happy, so thank you so so much for this fic!

Theater

Disguises - @ramonaspeaks -  Phil auditions for a play at a local theater and meets Dan, who spends most of his time acting whether he’s on stage or off.

Again, another fic from one of my favorite authors of all time. This is like my actual favorite theater au of all time. I am completely in love with the whole thing. It feels so real, and their characters are so well fleshed out, and each scene is just actually fantastic. I solidly recommend this one and I am soooo thankful to the author for bringing it into existence!

just touched down in london town - @phanetixs - "Hamilton is actually really nice and the plot is very interesting and okay, well, there’s this guy."In which, London is not as bad in the summer, a cute guy dies considerably in Act III and Phil has actually lucked out for once.

Look not only do I stalk all of this authors fics, but this is one of my all time favorites of theirs. They managed to take an idea that almost seems ludicrous and make it into something not only super hot, but super realistic and really, really, really fun. I absolutely adore this fic and I give you all the kudos my wonderful author. Thank you for writing such a wonderful au!

Which as they kiss, consume - @irrevocablys which for some reason it wont tag you :( -  Dan’s an aspiring actor, and Phil’s so over studying Romeo and Juliet.

This was one of my first theater au’s and I truly adore it. its just like got this super cute undertone to it thats incredibly wonderful? I just love the way the characters interact and the ease and flow of the writing <3 thank you for giving us something so beautful

Supernatural Elements

Ride with the moon in the dead of night - @mooksie01 -Phil seriously needs to buy some allergy medicine or something. Or at least open a window next time he performs a demonic ritual. He wouldn't have thought that one little sneeze could've messed up a spell so bad, but now he has a demon on his hands and only six days to get rid of it before he's stuck with it forever....And maybe the demon is acting like a total cinnamon roll, but Phil is positive that it's all just an elaborate ruse.

ajdlsfkjasdlkjfls omfg I love this fic so much. I actually adore fics with supernatural elements in them and this is one of those fics that always stands out to me. It’s just really hilarious and well written and is just overall a fun take on witch phil. I just, i really love it, and I’m so grateful it exists. Thank you wonderful author <3

Reflections of the Heart - @butterflyphil - “Being told to dress up in a dinosaur onesie and have cereal catapulted at your face is a little odd. Waking up to find that you and your best friend have switched bodies? That’s fucking bizarre.”(Or, the multi-chaptered, slightly smutty bodyswap fic that no one asked for. Featuring whiny/annoying!Dan, sassy/beguiling!Phil, unintentional innuendos, intentional innuendos, unnecessary kitchen supplies, and just a pinch of magic).

UHM, THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVE FICS? Lol. I just really freaking love body swap fic and you did such a good job with this fic. it’s honestly just super fun and a little hot and really cute and beautiful overall. I really just, really cant thank you enough for this fic and rec it really really highly!

Vampires & Werewolfs

High - @icandigelvis -  Just the ordinary story of Dan and Phil, except one little detail. Phil isn't human in this one. Expect biting, bickering, playlist live, blood, bad jokes and sex.

ajdslfkjasl listen I love vampire fic and this one is just so good. it’s so true to dnp’s personalities and just like, accurate to who they’d be tbh. And like, the fact that it sticks so close to reality aside from the vampire difference is what makes it even better so thank you so much to the lovely author for writing it. It’s everything I ever needed and more from a vampire fic

Taking Every Chance I’ve Got All - @nagirci - Dan wanted was to get drunk, really. Have a good time, meet a few new people. He didn’t really think about getting involved with someone as dangerous as Phil Lester (someone as cold, as pale and, well, as not alive), and he definitely didn’t think that one trip out to a bar would change his life forever.

This is like a really older fic that’s from one of the first phandom big bangs but it’s one of my first favorite vampire fics of all time as well and it’s just. really good and really well thought and the collaboration work on it is incredibly flawless. I honeslty would tell anyone to read it at any time because it comes together so well

Sharp Teeth - @theshyauthor -  AmazingPhil is a Youtuber and a vampire and according to Dan Howell, he is the nicest person to exist. From their first meeting in 2009 all the way to that one incident in the elevator at the BBC, this is their story.

Again this is just such a good take on 2009 and the reality of dnp with added vampirism tossed in. Plus the author is a beautiful wonderful person and I really enjoy their writing so its a total please go read this kind of fic x3 Thank you darling for writing something so wonderful <3

be sure to ring the doorbell - @frostbittencheeks -  Dan’s a tired sports reporter, Phil’s a friendly vampire with no real sense of boundaries and a propensity for bad Dracula jokes as well as leaving his unconscious victims in Dan’s kitchen. This isn’t how Dan thought courtship goes, but he’ll take it.

Can you tell I love vampire fics? This one is so well done, I literally re-read it constantly. I love the whole idea behind it, specifically the fact that Phil’s version of courtship is literally ridiculous and he doesn’t even think that they need to talk about it hahahaha I just love how funny and adorable it is and it’s just totally worth a few minutes of your time

a puppy sort of love - @symmetricdnp -  Dan's supposedly a werewolf. Phil has doubts.

I honestly want to beg this person to write me more of this fic cause the permise is just that good. There are so few werewolf fics in the phandom, and especially ones that are this cute, thoughout , and well written. I absolutely adore this fic and I totally rec it to all of you. The author is wonderful, thank you so much for writing this fic <3

Blind

It’s the blue of your eyes, and the way you’re scared, love - @glitteraccent Soulmate (Color)! & Blind!Phil  au 

Okay but like this story always sticks out in my memory and I think on it often. It’s one of my all time favorite soulmate au’s and blind au’s, because it was just structured so well and the characters make your heart fall for them really, really fast. I love this author and tumblr wont tag them, but reblog their fic and give them all the love in the world!

[junker-town]

Secret Base Reviews: Azhdarchids, the flying, dinosaur-eating giraffes

Meet the flying reptilian giraffes which ate dinosaurs

The wandering albatross has the longest wingspan of any modern bird. The largest known specimen measured a little over 12′ from wingtip to wingtip, which makes it a really really really big bird. That’s almost the length of a small car, taller than a basketball hoop, and about as tall as three Ryan Nannis sitting on one another’s shoulders. Your takeaway from this paragraph should be that the wandering albatross, which skims its way over the storm-tossed Southern Ocean, is a large-ass bird.

Your takeaway from this paragraph should be that there used to exist things — monstrous things — that made wanderers look like god damn dragonflies. In the late Cretaceous, before the asteroid impact that wiped out most of the dinosaurs, the azhdarchids ruled the sky. Here is a list of some of the larger species, with their estimated wingspans:

Quetzalcoatlus (36-39′)

Hatzegopteryx (33-39′)

Arambourgiania (39-43′)

I want to stress that these are estimates. Pterosaur fossils are relatively rare. One reason for this is that their bones are so lightweight that they’re rather difficult to preserve, so anatomy is frequently inferred from incomplete skeletons. For instance, Arambourgiania, which is perhaps the largest creature ever to fly, is only known from a handful of vertebrae.

That said, we can be pretty confident that we have the scale about right. We have enough of Quetzalcoatlus to pin it down at, oh, definitely small-aircraft-sized. Which is FUCKING HUGE.

Azhdarchids were known when I was a kid, although Quetzalcoatlus was the only one to have flapped its way into the popular dinosaur books I consumed. Back then, the idea was that it was a far-roaming scavenger, sort of an analogue to the California condor. I think this was mostly because nobody could really imagine what else something that big might do. The biggest modern land bird that spends most of its time in the air floats around looking for carrion, so why not make Quetzalcoatlus do that too? Seems fine.

My childhood conception of the azhdarchids, then, was as monstrous vultures, soaring over the plains looking for dinosaur carcasses to eat. Which, honestly, was a little bit boring. GOOD THING THAT’S CHANGED.

A couple decades later, it’s becoming more clear than ever that the biggest azhdarchids spent much of their time on the ground, not as scavengers but as predators. How do we know this? The biggest hint is their forearms, which are beefy enough to support their weight for long periods of time, and indeed fossil trackways have been found showing that giant pterosaurs were very comfortable walking about on all fours. Another hint is the shape of their jaw. Modern vultures have hooked beaks for tearing carcasses. Quetzalcoatlus does not. Its jaw is basically shaped like a giant sword, which can be used for stabbing movements or to grab smaller prey.

I should point out that Quetzalcoatlus’s head was significantly longer than you are tall. That’s just a thing you should know.

So what the hell would one of these things look like? The biggest azhdarchids were flying critters the size of small aircraft which spent their time ambling around on the ground looking for smaller critters to messily devour. There’s no modern-day version of this at anything like the same scale. Instead, we’re going to have to turn to something much friendlier:

Cameron Spencer/Getty Images

This is a giraffe, which I don’t know why I’m telling you, since you know what a giraffe looks like. By sheer happenstance, the Quetzalcoatlus, Arambourgiania and pals were pretty much exactly giraffe-sized when they were on the ground in quadruped mode. Their shoulders right in right about the same place and their necks were suitably giraffe-ish that you can pretty easily superimpose an azhdarchid over our tall mottled frens.

We need to make some modifications, of course:

Getty Images

(Hey! I said consummate ‘v’s!) Anyway, that is an artist’s, uh, impression of Quetzalcoatlus, which would have been one of the most terrifying predators to encounter in late-Cretaceous North America. It would have been quite capable of devouring you or me in one horrible gulp, and I think it would have really enjoyed the whole process too. It weighed 500 lbs or so, and it could fly. Truly, we are speaking of a demonic entity.

But that is not all! Because while Quetzalcoatlus was cool and scary and all that good stuff, it had nothing on its European cousin Hatzegopteryx.

At the time, much of Europe existed as a subtropical archipelago. If you were paying attention in biology class, you’ll remember that island ecology gets pretty wild. Even in modernity, islands give us Komodo dragons, meter-long crabs and vampiric songbirds. Mesazoic islands, meanwhile, give us ... this:

Unlike Quetzalcoatlus, which shared its habitat with big meat-eating dinosaurs, Hatzegopteryx ruled both land and sky. Its ability to fly gave it a much greater range than an equivalently-sized terrestrial animal, apparently allowing it to outcompete the big therapods and become an apex predator.

It was built like one too. Its head and neck were much more robust than other azhdarchids, allowing it to kill and eat correspondingly larger prey, including some fairly good-size dinosaurs. Since we’ve already established that Quetzalcoatlus et al. are, in essence, demonic beast from the very bowels of hell, I fear we’re about to hit the great metaphor wall with Hatzegopteryx.

Suffice it to say that the flying death giraffes that ate dinosaurs had a big brother. I think it’s very cool that these fuckers once lived, but I am also extremely glad that they’re not around anymore. Thank goodness for asteroids.

10

[buffylikescoke]

Buffy the Vampire Slayer 11#4

Brothers and Sisters! I implore you to use your calls wisely! Ask your loved ones to get the word of our plight to the world! Are we not deserving of basic rights? Dignity? Medical care? ~ wise little demon with a pointy nose.

If "Desperate Times" was a video game I'd give it a seven out of ten score. It's OK, good if you're a fan and to me, that's good enough!

The issue opens with a scene where Spike feeds on Buffy. Wait, what? As the ghetto doesn't seem to get enough food rations Buffy decides to feed the hungry Spike with her own blood. The entire situation is quite nonsensical and on multiple levels. First of all, blood shortage? Look, if vampires needed human blood I wouldn't protest. But they don't, Angel has been drinking animal blood for literally decades, Spike has been doing that since season four. So unless Uncle Sam is intentionally trying to starve the vampires the shortage seems ridiculous. Pig's blood is plentiful and costs like, nothing-ish, and it's not like America has suddenly run out of pigs, has it? Feeding on Buffy is something I'd expect to be a last resort move, with no other options present because, I mean, it's not like Spike can die of starvation, right? Look, if there were no other humans in the camp - but there are Wiccans and since most of them are not capable of spellcasting I'm sure that at least some of them would feel safer if a studly ensouled vampire champion would protect them during the night in exchange for some blood, perhaps? Spike doesn't even have to bite them, or Buffy for that matter, what, they don't have syringes to draw blood safely and hygienically? Does she really have to force him to stop? Doesn’t anybody see the eww here? And Spike participates in this? Get the fuck out!

I understand that the authors desperately wanted a sexy feeding scene. Except, it's not sexy! I mean, Buffy does that nhhh and she doesn't look particularly unhappy but there was no orgasm! And there should've been an orgasm! And then cuddling and hand holding ( I know, they hold hands later on - shut up! ) and a bad, albeit dirty, pun. There's no intimacy here, no passion! I don't understand this! Remember when Angel fed from Buffy? That scene is so iconic because, one, there is real sense of urgency, there’s desperation and danger, it's the only way to save Angel after all and, two, it's hot! It's Sarah Michelle Gellar circa '99 having a sadomasochistic orgasm, fuck me, it's so hot! In comparison, the scene in this issue is unnecessary and unsexy which, by the way, continues the trend for this relationship. Look, if a TV-14 show from the 90s ( and let's not forget season eight ) could have sexiness and lots of it so can the comics! Where's the sexiness, damn it!? Of course, you might ask, why shouldn't Spike feed on Buffy? It's obviously her idea and her decision. Because, as Willow points out, it drains you. And in here, that could be fatal. Spike echoes that statement in another conversation yet still feeds on her? Seriously, what the fuck?! Alright, but what's Buffy's reasoning? She's worried that hungry Spike might lose control and attack an innocent. Wait, again? On one hand, this story was done in season seven and ten, on the other hand, it's still potentially interesting. Imagine that Spike attacks one of the Wiccans, kills even. What would Buffy do and, more importantly, what would Willow do?

Let's talk about the safe zone for a while. It's a camp surrounded by fences and walls guarded by the SSlayers and a force field. How does that stop a witch? Well, nothing magic can pass through the force field, explains Willow, but they couldn't neutralize magic inside, or most inmates would die. And that's too far even for them. Is it, really? And anyway, I warn you, if Willow gets disempowered for 4th time in five seasons, I swear, I'll throw a shit fit, we clear? But how's the security inside the ghetto? The slayers don't come inside unless there's a riot and security is handled, in theory, by so called trustees that get compensated with larger food rations. Problem is, they just pocket the extra rations and do nothing. In the closing scene of the issue Buffy joins the ghetto polizei to make a real difference and earn some extra rations for Spike, she even gets a uniform and a badge. But what about the world on the outside? As we learn during Buffy's and Dawn's telephone conversation things are going back to normal. I have a feeling that, since a lot of people seem to be happy that the supernatural beings are gone, the camp or segregation, really, might end up being not so temporary....

What about Willow? Mostly, Willow teaches other Wiccans how to cast spells so they can defend themselves, she also seems to be flirting with Calliope. Because, of course. Anyway, Willow seems to be handling the situation rather well. She appears very peaceful and almost Zen about the whole ordeal, which probably ties to the angle the authors wish to explore with her in this season. I find it pretty satisfying. Also, Willow has the best line in this issue, possibly in all of the comic seasons - we’re like gingerbread men at weight-loss camp. It's perfect. Incredible. Wow. Mom, get the camera.

What else? The Art. I liked the art in this issue. The inking is fantastic, the colors are beautiful and Georges Jeanty is back! I love his fight scenes, I love his panel layout and I like his demon designs, especially that one that looks like Denver the last dinosaur because, come on, you've never wanted to see Buffy beat the crap out of that stupid-ass dinosaur?! As usual, there are some odd proportions and uncanny valley expressions but most of his work here looks great! So don't diss Georges, OK?

So yeah, all in all, this is another solid issue. I recommend it. Now excuse me I have to check whether Buffy truly has never been called easy....

[from-story-to-screen]

A Compilation of some of my favorite Writing Prompts

The royal family employs no bodyguards. A would-be assassin discovers why.

Two gay guys and two lesbians have to pretend to be straight for an entire weekend, pretending to be each other’s dates for a wedding.

You, a time traveler, accidentally introduces 21st-century slang to Shakespeare.

Angel/demon romance, where the demon is the stuffy, orthodox one and the angel is like “hold my beer”.

A dating service where matching is based on people’s search histories. You’re a serial killer, you go on a date with a writer.

You have many of the abilities of a Disney princess. You can talk to animals, people burst into song around you, it seems every other day a “prince charming” type falls madly in love with you. As one of the most feared mafia enforcers in New York, it’s tough, but you make it work.

Dating an immortal and you find a photo album of their exes dating back a century. All the exes sort of look like you and the immortal’s been dating all of them in the hopes of getting you to remember your first life when you first met them.

You are what mankind believes to be the devil. However there are three things that they’re got all wrong: 1. Everyone goes to heaven, no matter what they do in life. 2. You’re the only one who’s ever escaped heaven. 3. Heaven is absolutely fucked.

The world goes through 2000 year natural cycles of magic and non-magic. The non-magical cycle is about to end any day now.

After Lucifer was kicked out of heaven, he decided to make his own paradise. Both compete to have the best afterlife, sadly you lived a sin-free life and got sent to heaven. God is throwing a very boring, sin-free party. You spend your time trying to get kicked out so you can go to hell.

You come from a family of highly respected heroes. All three of your big brothers are known as powerhouses, but you rarely see them since they’re always saving the city. One day you realize that the only way to see all of your brother is to become a villain. Turns out you’re better at it than you thought, and family dinners suddenly become the most amusing time of day.

Write a completely ordinary story about an ordinary person’s life with an almost unsettlingly idyllic environment, but at the end reveal that the main character is an unreliable narrator and has actually been on a murdering spree the entire time.

Your roommate is literally the devil, surprisingly, he is the best roommate you’ve ever had.

Every person on earth is born with a tattoo on each arm. One matches your soulmate, and one matches your worst enemy. However, most people have no clue which is which. You do, because they are both the same.

Grim Reaper, not tied to any particular religion, they just personify death and collect the soul and take them...where? What if they’re like afterlife HR? Where they go depends on their belief.

A show/book where each chapter has a new story with a new set of characters and each chapter ends in a cliffhanger. In the final chapter(s), they show conclusions for all the stories, and reveal that the stories connect like puzzle pieces.

Twilight, but Bella stays in Arizona and it’s about Charlie Swan finding out that his best friend is a werewolf and the town doctor he’s trusted for years is a vampire, and he helps stop the vampires that are murdering everyone.

A guy who runs for president and wins but suddenly realizes that he doesn’t want to be president and just starts doing ridiculous things to try to get impeached but it never works because they always end up miraculously being the right thing to do. 100% approval rating, most popular president ever.

The Purge but it’s 24 hours where retail workers can be as rude as they want.

You’re part of a community that lives on an island, no other land mass in sight. When a crime is committed, the person responsible has to “go find more land” to redeem their honor. Someone has yet to return. You’ve just been caught stealing.

Your alternate universe self comes to kill you. The only thing is, you are the evil version.

A seemingly bottomless pit was found, for which the depth can’t be determined. Over time, scores of people began using it to illegally dump trash, many have jumped in to die, while others jumped believing that they’ll find life’s answers within. Today, the truth about the hole is learned.

Your phone rings; the number looks familiar. You pick up to hear your own voice asking you for help.

Your daughter has been begging you for a pony, and you told her to write a letter to Santa. On Christmas morning, you find a fire-breathing horse in your front yard, and a package by your front door. Looks like she wrote a letter to Satan, and he delivered.

You’re an assassin with a 6th sense. You help ghosts seek out vengeance for the wrong that was done to them when they were alive.

If the eyes of an animal are on the sides of the animal’s head, they are a “prey” species. If the eyes are on the front, they are a “predator” species. Explain why nature designated dragons as a “prey” species.

In a world where what doesn’t kill you literally makes you stronger, you run a clinic that gives people near-death experiences.

The wrinkled fingertips are just the beginning of the transformation. We just always leave the water too early.

Since you were 8 years old, you’ve been helping people and giving things away for free; the only condition: that one day you’ll call on that person for a favor. You’re now 33 and owed 10,000 favors. You decide to call them in all at once.

As a babysitter you are putting a young girl to bed. She says, “Don’t worry, there aren’t any monsters in the closet. Daddy keeps them all locked up in the basement.”

The reaper does not bring death, he follows it. The reaper is not an omen of doom, he is a guardian, sent to protect your soul on its way from one world to the next. The things that wait between the worlds are...unpleasant.

A photographer and a sniper meet in a bar. Neither is aware of the other’s occupation. They talk about “how to take the perfect shot”.

You are the devil and you have been summoned via a satanic ritual. As you manifest yourself, you find yourself in a quaint living room and meet a sweet old lady who just wants some company.

Art museum guards don’t guard the painting in fear that someone might steal them, they guard the artwork in fear that someone might get too close and fall in.

The devil mixed up your paperwork and gave you someone else’s personal hell, which to you, is heaven.

When the police came to announce you the death of your husband, you refused to believe it. “That’s impossible,” you said. “Unfortunately, it’s the truth, miss,” answered the policemen. “It’s impossible,” you say again,” because he’s in the kitchen making dinner”.

A man who sees ghosts checks himself into a mental institution, oblivious to the fact that the facility has been closed for almost 30 years.

You’re in charge of assigning every child on earth the monster under their bed. One child in particular has caused every monster assigned to them to quit. You decide to assign yourself.

You have an ATM that gives you the exact amount of money you need to survive for the day, how you spend it is your choice. Today you are given $70,000,000.

Every time a person makes a promise or bargain, a tattoo is etched onto their skin. You just went out with friends drinking so much, you passed out. Upon awakening, you can’t recall what happened and realize that your whole arm has been inked black. Someone knocks on your door

“Welcome to hell! As the seventh human to ever arrive here, you are now an official member of the 7 Deadly Sins!”

Your oldest brother is a military genius. Your little sister has cured 3 types of cancer. The twins are working on a new method of locating planets fit for terraforming. And you...you are mom’s favorite.

I know i’m getting close to finishing my time machine because I’ve caught several older versions of myself trying to sabotage my lab.

Dream superpower: the ability to manipulate probability.

Every time you die your injured limbs and body parts are replaced by machines and you slowly become less and less human until the point where you have no human body parts left and must decide whether you will continue to fight for humanity, with which you have no remaining connection.

There’s a love triangle but then the girl realizes she’s asexual and gets a puppy and a cat and the two boys fall for each other. Boys realize they were only fighting for the girl because they wanted to impress one another other.

A ghost and a zombie come from the same person. Ghost watches their zombie body stumbling around with dismay.

A tattoo appears on people’s skin at key points in their life and they must figure out what they mean.

The asteroid that hit the earth and killed the dinosaurs was actually a UFO and humans are the aliens.

Four roommates are extraterrestrials who have taken human form in the hopes of learning about earth’s culture. Unfortunately, each alien is from a different planet and believes the other three are normal humans.

Your super power is that you are average at everything you do. (flying, communicating with aliens, curing cancer, etc.)

The year is 2030. The first astronauts have landed on Mars. They find a cave with a single human skeleton and 4 words written on the wall.

You have the ability to hear the honest answer to any question just by looking at a person and mentally asking the question. It was all fun and games until you looked in the mirror and asked a question you shouldn’t have.

A woman is cursed by the gods to kill any man she falls in love with. She falls in love with a man who was cursed by the gods with immortality.

The remains of the human race live in a glass dome with no entrance or exit, which protects them from the wasteland on the outside. One morning a dusty handprint appears on the outside.

Suddenly, all over the world, all children start drawing the same thing over and over again.

Your doorbell rings and it’s a person from an alternate universe who says “i just wanted you to know that you are my favorite book character and i know how it ends and i want to change it.”

You get a deep cut for the first time in your life; instead of bone or muscle, you see wires.

“My domain is time,” said the genie. “Instead of three wishes, you get three decisions. Go back and choose again.”

You’re an archaeologist working on a dig when you uncover a thick pane of glass. You dust the dirt away, and see the inside of a massive bio-dome, hidden for too long. Only one organism is inside, and it was meant to be forgotten.

A child is kidnapped. Outraged, the monsters living under the bed and in their closet vow to find them.

You die. As you go up to paradise, you notice it seems to be in ruins. Then you find the corpse of god.

“And the legions of Hell rose from the great split in the earth, but they did not emerge in a geyser of flame. The demons and monsters varied greatly, from delicate, sapphire wings to great, lumbering monstrosities. At the head of the army walked Lucifer himself, a dark cloak flowing beside him. The forces of Hell had arrived, to save humanity from Heaven’s wrath.”

Write a superhero story that’s narrated by the villain, who leads the reader to believe that they are the hero. However, due to the biased narration the reader only realizes that they’ve been misled in the final sentences.

Since the beginning of time, humanity has believed that death is universal. Everything that is born must also die. We’ve created our world around this single fact, worshipped gods, sacrificed and prayed, but when we finally make contact with the rest of the universe it is discovered that death is in fact not real. Most aliens believe it’s a silly old legend, and it is determined that only humans do in fact die. Write what comes of this discovery.

You’re alone in your room when suddenly, you disappear and arrive in an unknown location. Turns out you’re in hell and this time, the tables have been turned. You’ve been summoned by a demon who needs your help.

They say that “history is written by the victors.” Turns out, so are fairytales; they’ve been twisted by the “heroes” of the fairytale world to make themselves look like they’ve always been in the right. You are a fairytale villain at a support group for characters like you.

You’re a wealthy and famous writer whose bestselling children’s series, about a young girl escaping her house nightly to battle monsters in a fantasy world, has brought you endless success. Following your daughter’s eighth birthday, you start to notice strange cuts and bruises on her in the morning, which she casually dismisses. Your curiosity gets the best of you, and one night you enter your daughter’s bedroom far past her bedtime, but it’s not the room you know that you step into—it’s the world of your own series’ Book Five.

You’re a demon who governs the creation of Personal Hells; parts of Hell created for the truly despicable designed specifically around them. You’ve just gotten a submission for someone who doesn’t seem to be afraid of anything.

Apparently the tooth fairy is a pretty controversial figure among skeletons. some think she is a thief that steals mouth bones others think she is the true skeleton queen.

“I would probably win an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress in a biopic about my own life.”

Why can’t the pirate get the princess for once?

Conversation prompt: “We’re a team of highly trained professionals.” “No you’re not, you’re all wearing friendship bracelets.”

You have been accepted into a school for supernatural creatures. You decide to let your teachers and classmates guess what you are.

A story about vigilante Victorian prostitutes hunting down Jack The Ripper.

Every person, at exactly midnight on New Years following their 22nd birthday, possesses the body of their soulmate; people run around trying to figure out who they are so they can find one another, leave notes for the body’s owner to find with their address. There are language gaps so people have to translate it and travel to different countries carrying the notes they’re left. Write about the search and adventure of one.

A retired supervillain is in the bank with his 6 year old daughter when a new crew of super villains comes in to rob the place.

For as long as you can remember, you’ve worn glasses. Your parents always made sure you had them on and formed the habit. One day you forget them and realize you can see something no one else can.

The character wakes up multiple times a week with inexplicable bruises on their arms and legs. The day they graduate from college, an agent from the CIA approaches them and introduces them to Project Nightlight.

I hit play and watch myself in the recording. But what i see isn’t what i remember.

At birth, everyone has the date they will die imprinted on their arm. You were supposed to die yesterday.

Every baby is taken away by the government and returned when they are ten years old. They never remember what happened in those years, but they always recognize their parents. You, however, remember everything. And those aren’t your parents.

You were born with the ability to know what is buried beneath your feet. You have worked for years alongside archaeologists finding lost cities and ancient treasures. However, today is the first time you have ever said “We should not dig here.”

A man calls 911 and says in a soft voice, “I am currently sitting next to the little girl you are looking for. She is safe, for now, but if no one comes to get her quick enough, i will be forced to do something unspeakable to her kidnappers”.

Human emotions can be bottled and sold on the black market. You are in desperate need of money and sell yours. It will take months to grow back, leaving you empty inside. The next day you meet Her.

You are a recently hired psychiatrist in a mental hospital. Some of your patients insist that they were once staff, but are now being held prisoner/hostage by the actual patients that now run the hospital.

A depressed guy moves into a house which is inhabited by 7 demons, each one corresponding to a different Deadly Sin. But, they are trying to help him get back on his feet.

Your girl is a member of a shadowy organization bent on ruling the world. Your best friend is a CIA operative, and your dog is a secret escaped lab experiment. And you? Well, you run a website debunking conspiracy theories.

You slowly begin to realize that all your friends are undercover agents tasked with keeping you alive. Then, at your birthday party, with every one of your friends surrounding you, the people trying to kill you finally find you.

You adopt 4 teenage girls. As they grow up, you begin to realize that each one of them represents a horseman of the apocalypse. All hell breaks loose when Famine steals War’s significant other.

In the future, virtual reality has flourished. One of the more controversial uses is prisons. Whatever crime you commit, you have to relive it through your victim’s point of view. It’s your first day in prison and you’re terrified because of what you did.