#however absurd

[tillthereweretangents]

John and Paul reading Kahlil Gibran

Guest post by @the-paper-apricot

In 1986, Paul spoke to his fan magazine, Club Sandwich, about tracks on the album Press to Play, among them the song ‘However Absurd’:

The lyrics on this one are a bit bizarre, but then again they make a kind of sense… In the middle it explains itself a bit… ‘Something special between us… Words wouldn’t get my feelings through’. That’s taking off into The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran – there’s a line of his that always used to attract me and John, which was ‘Half of what I say is meaningless, but I say it just to reach you.’

Source: The Paul McCartney Project.

Gibran’s works, especially The Prophet, have remained in print since their appearance, but seemed to have a particular flourish of popularity in the 1960s and 1970s. My parents, like so many young people of their generation, were devoted readers of his romantic-spiritual books in their English translation, and I devoured the books in my teens. So I returned to the books to find the words that so appealed to John Lennon and Paul McCartney.

It was a fair guess that the words appeared in The Prophet, Gibran’s most famous work, but in this instance Paul has misremembered. The line is actually in a book called Sand and Foam.

At the beginning of John’s White Album track ‘Julia’, he sings:

Half of what I say is meaningless / But I say it just to reach you, Julia

The origin of that line, recalled by Paul in his Club Sandwich interview, we can read here on page 11 of Sand and Foam:

Later in the song, John’s lyric continues drawing upon Gibran:

When I cannot sing my heart / I can only speak my mind

These words are adapted from the line halfway down that same page, Gibran writing that “when Life does not find a singer to sing her heart she produces a philosopher to speak her mind.”

★

Sand and Foam is a book of aphorisms, and ideas follow, one to the next, without any commentary. The couple of pages on either side of these lines on page 11 are dense with ideas about speech, withholding your words, sharing yourself in meaningless talk, sharing yourself in silence.

On the very next page is a line that I think corresponds to ‘However Absurd’.

The line on page 12 reads:

“The voice of life in me cannot reach the ear of life in you; but let us talk that we may not feel lonely”.

In ‘However Absurd’, Paul sings:

I couldn’t say the words, / Words wouldn’t get my feelings through, / So I keep talking to you… However absurd, however absurd… It may seem.

When I parse Gibran’s line in relation to the song ‘However Absurd’, I understand it as my voice can’t reach your living ear any more, but I must talk to you regardless. It’s difficult to avoid the supposition that the ‘you’ Paul addresses is John, especially since he himself drew attention to their joint affinity for Gibran’s thoughts. Musically too, the song evokes John and their work together in The Beatles, particularly in the sonic disintegration after the climax, recalling the end of Tomorrow Never Knows.

More broadly, it echoes Gibran’s idea, also expressed in John’s ‘Julia’, that some meaning will get through, despite absurd or seemingly nonsense talk.

★

I said that this passage of Sand and Foam is dense with related thoughts, so let’s look at the preceding page too. At the bottom of page 10, is the first half of the thought that is resolved at the top of page 11 (above), immediately prior to the line that opens the song ‘Julia’.

In full then, this idea reads:

“The reality of the other person is not in what he reveals to you, but in what he cannot reveal to you. Therefore, if you would understand him, listen not to what he says but to what he does not say.”

We might imagine what a fresh, appealing recognition this would be for the two men when they first read it. It fits very well with Paul’s explanations of John’s character, explanations demanded with tedious frequency by journalists since Lennon’s death – that is, that the real John isn’t necessarily the spoken part. And that he knew the unspoken part so intimately. To paraphrase: I know him, I’ve listened to the unspoken part.

I’ll close this post with a line from page 13 of Sand and Foam. Considering their deep mutual comprehension, it’s tempting to think that this idea must have likewise appealed to John and Paul. It seems almost written for them:

“It takes two of us to discover truth: one to utter it and one to understand it.”

Notes.

1. Kahlil Gibran was a Lebanese-American poet. For a useful introduction to his life and work, try this article.

2. Donovan released a haunting song with the title ‘Sand and Foam’ in 1967. I haven’t been able to discover if the title was directly influenced by Gibran’s book of the same name. (Donovan fans please enlighten me!) The song appears on the album Mellow Yellow, the recording sessions for which Paul McCartney attended, contributing handclaps, basslines and, fittingly enough, giggling sounds. Donovan of course played music with The Beatles in the informal, half-secluded setting of Rishikesh in the early part of 1968. It was during this time he shared his fingerpicking guitar style with John, who soon put it to memorable use, in ‘Julia’. Gibran’s popularity at the time means it’s quite possible that their reading matter was similar. Donovan’s ‘Sand and Foam’ is here.

3. After a quick search of antiquarian and second-hand booksellers, it appears that Heinemann, London were the sole English publisher of Gibran’s books at this time. The Heinemann edition belonging to my parents was reprinted throughout the 1960s: I can’t know if this is the edition read by John and Paul. They could of course have picked up an American edition. The page numbering is bound to be very similar though, if not identical.

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Thanks so much to @the-paper-apricot​ for this fascinating post! We’d really love to hear from folks who are familiar with both Gibran’s work and George’s lyrics. Is George as interested in these books as Paul and John?

[bambi-kinos]

Reposted from the McLennon Server on the request of one of my friends. This is an essay I wrote up tonight regarding my interpretation of Paul McCartney’s “However Absurd.”

This builds off a concept that the server started discussing sometime in March 2022 -- the idea that Paul considered himself John’s domestic partner and that this was a desire or interpretation Paul had about their relationship in light of his various interviews where he said he wanted to take care of John. Paul being who he is, he could only imagine this in the context of touring as the Beatles which was safe for them because they were had privacy in hotels and the context of touring meant no one examined that John and Paul were essentially living together, along with George and Ringo. This dynamic would be special for Paul as he finally got to take care of John the way he always wanted but only in the context of being a part of The Beatles.

Leggy Maddingway — Today at 9:04 PM I'm kind of interpreting the above song with this lens:

things changed for John and Paul after John was living with him part time in Cavendish. The Scruffs noted that they often went into work together, John has referred to that year as "domestic," Paul has said since the 90s that he wished he could take care of John and that he basically viewed John as helpless, often referring to him in infantile terms.

We also know from an interview survey (the gamer girl bathwater one that I loled about a few moons ago) that Paul was interested in buying a farm out in the country as early as 1965.

My personal belief re: India is not so much that Paul rejected John when John came on to him, but that John asked Paul for a full blown relationship, as in living together, John divorcing Cynthia (which was already in the works) and being a genuine couple. He'd had a taste of this when he lived with Paul at Cavendish during 1967 before the India retreat. He wanted that full time and was desperate for a change. (Notably at this point he was already writing letters to Yoko Ono. He was looking for an offramp.) But Paul always wants things done a particular way -- I'm not even sure if homosexuality had been decriminalized at that point in the year, but it was still a very dangerous time to be gay even if you're a Beatle -- maybe especially if you're a Beatle since cops were already crawling up your ass trying to arrest you, they had already had conflicts with the police who were trying to bust them for drugs.

So with all that in mind, I posit that Paul said "no" and that he may have further insulted John by offering a really awful alternative -- Paul gets married and has a family while keeping John as the secret lover no one knows about. That would have been incredibly disrespectful to John regardless of circumstances so in my mind, a scenario like this is what would have triggered John into crawling to Yoko and subsequently blowing his life up. I simply don't believe that a "not right now" or a freak out over first-time sex would cause the kind of mental break we saw on John's end. However a firm backhand of disrespect and selfishness from Paul McCartney would.

The thing is, I also believe that Paul wanted to take care of John from a very early moment, maybe even from the moment he met John. This is primarily driven by the story about Here There Everywhere that Paul has told -- that he drove out to John's house to write, that John wasn't awake or wasn't dressed, and Paul hung out by the pool and managed to assemble Here There Everywhere in the time it took for John to at least wash his face and put on a clean pair of pants.

I think Paul must have gone up there, crept into the house, and woke John up from his depression sleep and John told him to fuck off and leave him alone, hence Paul's comments about John not being dressed and ready for the day. But Paul knew what John really meant so he just noodled around the pool with his guitar while John dragged himself out of bed.

Paul has mentioned how John was a tender hearted person and that he wanted to take care of John, and that's the anecdote that tells me he felt that way from the start.

"Here, There and Everywhere" is so obviously about John, I don’t get the people who try to insist that it isn’t and that it’s not related to them at all. But to me anyway it feels so clearly inspired by what's going on in front of Paul's face -- he's with John, John is sick and grumpy but Paul doesn't care: "But to love him is to need him everywhere." IDK, something about the song and the circumstances [that it was written under] shows so much tenderness and even understanding on Paul's part, John wasn't dressed for the day because he was depressed and exhausted and I think he yelled at Paul after Paul drove all the way to Kenwood just to be with John, but the fact that Paul wrote that song anyway just shows me that he knew better than to hold that outburst against John. He wanted John with him and since it sounds like Cynthia and Julian were gone for the day, he went there because he wanted to have John all to himself.

And then we get the quote that Veggie just pulled:

“Yeah yeah, it’s all very well, Paul,” muttered John. “Just because your Dad played in some old time music hall in the thirties doesn’t mean we should go on stage wearing white coats. People will think we’re a bunch of fairies.”

“Wait a minute, John, I’m burning the toast.” Paul, clattering about in the kitchen, seemed oblivious to John’s emphatic statement. He then came out of the kitchen with a pile of buttered toast on a large plate for the ravenous horde waiting.

“What did you say? I couldn’t hear you properly; oh, the white coats, is that what you’re on about? What’s your problem with that? Look John, it’s about time we started smartening up our image because we can’t go on looking like a gang of ruffians just dragged off the streets,” retorted Paul. “We must look professional – we’re on the stage, in the public eye, and appearances are important. If we start looking the part then perhaps you may even be able to get your chords right.”

Paul said this last point in a jovial manner, not wishing to rouse John’s temper, as he knew even after short acquaintance with John that he could soon ‘fly off the handle’ if provoked. John seemed unperturbed by the insinuation that Paul was making about his professionalism (or lack of it).

There was a silence for a couple of minutes as we all munched on our buttered toast.

“Yeah okay – but white coats? I can’t see myself in one of those. Anyway, where would we get them from?”

“Never mind that – Nigel will sort that out. Look, it will be you and me up front from now on as main guitarists and vocalists so it’ll look good, the both of us wearing the same gear. It will be white coats, white shirts and black bow ties – the rest of the group can wear white shirts and black bow ties..."

“Okay, we’ll all be in white then – it’s agreed,” said Paul. John then started up with a song that had recently been popularised: “A white sport coat and a pink carnation, I’m getting dressed up for a dance.” With that John did a little dance around the room. The Quarrymen Committee had arrived at another major decision without too much rancour.

I know this is mostly Paul being a decent host to a bunch of teenage boys but I also think that this is the earliest example we have of Paul already managing John/taking care of him domestically.

So when I see stuff like this:

Ears twitch, like a dog, Breaking eggs in a dish. Do not mock me when I say This is not a lie.

Happy dogs, eggs breaking into dishes, these images are things that I see in a lot of material today that's about romanticizing domesticity. Cottagecore/grandmacore and the like.

"Do not mock me when I say this is not a lie" <- for me this feels like a reference to a fight that they might have had about the sincerity of Paul's feelings. After the India retreat we know that Paul hardcore self destructed (I think seeing John glom on to Yoko so hard was a big shock and he may have realized what he had done). It could have easily lead to a fight anywhere between 1967 to 1980 about whether Paul meant it or not. Paul wasn't deliberate about his word choice, this was supposed to be a nonsense song but that means he was word associating so who else would he be talking about associating domesticity::mockery of him finally being sincere?

There's a lot of ground muttering about Paul lying to John about his feelings or just not articulating them and I think that this is true up to a point but I also flat out don't believe that Paul didn't take the opportunity at some point to finally spit out what he really felt. But it would be extremely on brand for John to mock him for it, regardless of whether he believed it or not.

But Paul has something to feel guilty about -- or he believes he does. "I didn't say what I thought in exactly the right way and if I had then John would still be here." He couldn't say the words. They didn't get his feelings through. So he's still talking to John and trying to make him understand.

Something special between us, When we made love the game was over. I couldn't say the words, Words wouldn't get my feelings through, So I keep talking to you...

I think for someone like Paul McCartney, the idea that two men could live openly together was absurd. And to be fair there was a lot of reality in that thought -- he and John were being targeted by the police, a sodomy charge would be more than enough to put them both away and ruin their careers.

But Paul wanted it. He wanted it was early as 1957. He wanted it when he wrote "Here There Everywhere." He admitted this in the 1990s when he was being questioned about John Lennon. However absurd it may seem, he did in fact want to be a couple with John and just be able to fuck off somewhere with dogs that have twitching ears and you can break an egg into a dish. That's probably what made the rejection so horrific -- not because he rejected John on a reasonable basis but because he thought the idea was too absurd to follow through with despite the fact that he wanted it.

However absurd, however absurd... It may seem. However absurd, however absurd... It may seem.

"Custom made dinosaurs" <- this is just my personal interpretation but when I read this I immediately imagined dinosaur costumes for kids. We have photos of Paul and Linda dressing their family up for Halloween and Paul going full PTA mom by carving pumpkins. Again, the full life he wanted: children and John and pastoral peace.

But it's too late now for a change, John is dead and Paul will never get him back. He's supposed to be the guy with everything but he's lost or estranged from everyone he's ever loved except for Richard Starkey which is...crushing.

Custom made dinosaurs, Too late now, for a change. Everything is under the sun, But nothing is for keeps...

This is not a nonsense song. It may not have been deliberate but this is not nonsense.

mynamesbetty — Today at 9:20 PM Read a quote on Tumblr that was basically "John used his feelings to make music and Paul used music to access his feelings" That's what is happening here

VeggieRavioli — Today at 9:26 PM something something the band and touring as a means to play house something something

Leggy Maddingway — Today at 9:27 PM PRECISELY because they were in private, their women weren't there, Paul tried to get John to tour with him again 1969, that was the context where they could live together openly and Paul could care for John like he always wanted and no one would question it and I just

for fuck's sake Paul hemmed John's trousers in Paris

he wanted to be John's partner, he wanted to live with him, he wanted to be a couple. He did those couple things. He made John toast, he mended John's clothes, he looked after the packing, I just feel insane when I look at this stuff and it's adding up to all this fucking gay shit.

[thecoleopterawithana]

Jokes and Laughs

Instant Karma (1970): What in the world you thinkin' of / Laughin' in the face of love? [...] How in the world you gonna see / Laughin' at fools like me?

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I’m So Tired (1968): I wonder should I call you / But I know what you would do / You'd say I'm putting you on / But it's no joke / It's doing me harm

I’ll Be Back (1964): You could find better things to do / Than to break my heart again / This time I will try to show that I’m / Not trying to pretend

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You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away (1965): Everywhere people stare / Each and ev'ryday / I can see them laugh at me / And I hear them say / Hey, you've got to hide your love away

Girl (1965): She's the kind of girl who puts you down / When friends are there / You feel a fool

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On the latest episode of @anotherkindofmindpod, “Instant Karma” is discussed. The song John released in February 1970 is hypothesized to be a message to Paul, trying to reach him during the 6th month of their trial separation. The various mentions of laughter (or being laughed at) throughout the song are highlighted. This immediately brought to mind some other songs, the first one being “I’m So Tired”.

There’s a bunch of different elements at play here which I feel the need to tease apart. The first one is John’s need to clarify that he’s not joking or pretending, he is being serious this time. This is related to a point I’ve touched on before, which is how John and Paul used humor as an intimate but ultimately safe way to express emotions. Much like communicating through songs, this enabled them to keep a layer of plausible deniability. They could always backtrack and say they were being misinterpreted, they didn’t really mean it. Ergo the need to be explicit about when they’re being serious (“You'd say I'm putting you on but it's no joke”; “This time I will try to show that I’m not trying to pretend”). Paul has also touched on a similar theme in his songs:

However Absurd (1989): Do not mock me when I say / This is not a lie. / It's funny thing, / Half serious, / With our hands on our ears.

Paul actually goes as far as to ask the listener not to mock him once he admits to telling the truth. This brings me to my second point: John’s displeasure with being laughed at and made to feel like a fool. Especially when the laughing is happening after he made himself vulnerable and was sincere about his love.

Now, mix up the two and you have ample room for some pretty painful misunderstandings! Take an emotionally fraught situation (say India, for example), where one of the parties is trying to subtly suss out the status of the relationship (“Who are we, oh my love?”). Usually, for fear of losing face in front of the other, you hide your truths behind the veneer of plausible deniability that joking around can offer. But this time, you are being sincere; you are being vulnerable. But the other person, who is used to your playing around, takes it as a joke, maybe laughs a bit, says you are putting them on. The other probably never meant to hurt you; at most they’d be laughing with you, never at you. But after some time, with enough insecurity and pain eroding the trust between you, you wouldn’t put it past them, to be laughing in the face of your love.

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

In Paul’s song However Absurd there’s a chord sequence that comes in when Paul sings “I couldn’t say the words” that sounds familiar. Is it used in one of John’s songs? (I don’t know how familiar you are with John’s solo work, but you seem knowledgeable about music theory).

Yes hello anon, sorry I took so long to get to this! I hadn't actually listened to However Absurd before (and I still haven't lol, I just listened to this bit because I prefer listening to songs the first time in their album context).

So I can't think of any John song it parallels musically but I do think if someone showed me that melody (and also the arrangement) I'd sooner guess John wrote it than Paul, though I can't exactly tell you what features made me think that. It sort of had a Rock 'N' Roll (the album) vibe, I feel?

Sorry, hope this is helpful!

[i-am-the-oyster]

Do you ever just get the line “I couldn’t say the words; words wouldn’t get my feelings through” stuck in your head and sink to the floor in second-hand desperation?

[kusuokisser]

saiki sometimes forgets hes autistic AND a psychic. its so easy for him to attribute his symptoms to just being from his powers but then he'll go through a phase where all food is sensory hell except for coffee jelly (safe food) and he is reminded of his ailment

[alienoriana]

We were growing, time was going so fast Without knowing, we were growing up fast We were lying down, in the shade I remember the love we made We were lying down, on the bed I remember the tears we shared

[eloeloanna]

What did happen between John and Paul in India?

This was made for entertainment purposes only. Don’t sue me Paul (or Yoko (or Sean).

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Check my readings! Did McLennon ever happened here What John thought about Paul here What Paul thought about John - part 1 here | part 2 here What happened between John and Paul in Paris here What John thought of Paul's appeareance here What Paul thought of John's appeareance here John's feelings + In my life + Paris' tea here Paul's feelings + Paris' tea here Was Paul jealous of Stuart? here Was John jealous of Tara? here Was Paul jealous of Cynthia? here Relationship - questions related to that topic here What happened between John and Paul in Keywest 1964 here George's pov here MORE here

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Some notes:

Please don’t be dumb and harass the people mentioned in this interpretation. If you have the information - you have it, good. Enjoy their love in the fandom ❤️ do your fics, do your art.

I know that this is not everybody, but I feel we are dealing with very delicate matters.

It took me a lot of days doing this because I didn’t want to sound like a fic. I know many people have their theories, even myself! So that’s why I repeated some questions, and did it in different days. Also, I didn’t read the answers, so when something matches, it’s surprising even for me.

That’s all. Now, enjoy!

_

Answer 1:

What the cards are telling me at the beginning, is that this trip was made to do something about a relationship. It had been very difficult to try to continue, since there was a feeling that someone was very confident, opposed to someone very depressed. The depressed one didn’t know what to do anymore because he needed a sense of stability, security. He felt that this wasn’t enough, and even that the other one was mocking him, for his neediness. I think this person couldn’t see objectively at all what was happening, because, even If was part truth what he thought, the thing is, it wasn’t “that” big.

I think he tried for once to be really honest and just ask what was this all about. “Do you love me?”. I think the answer didn’t come immediately. And wasn’t even satisfying. I think the other part thought that he say it back, but he didn’t properly. So there was this part that thought that was being fooled, and the other one that thought that everything was okay. I think the “depressed” one thought something like “anyway, I knew this would happen”, and tried very hard to don’t have any feelings, and just “enjoyed” the trip. I think then is when he thought “I need to do something”. It was like that moment put him back in order to do new things. This was a decision for his own happiness. “I’m going to fall in love with her”. What are telling me the cards after is how he stuck with his decision, even if it wasn’t the best. The other part is showed at the end. Knowing that he can’t do anything about it.

Answer 2:

I think that at the beginning was a sensation of something not being complete. That some of them wanted more, that the relationship wasn’t balanced. He wanted to do something about it, but he couldn’t do it. “We have to left all bullshit aside, to have the relationship we really want” , to leave the imbalances behind, but I can’t face the truth. Even when the truth is very obvious. It’s difficult to face the truth when there are things that escape our control, and we know that this always is going to be like this. But even with those feelings, he decided anyways to say what he wanted, and thought that everything would be good. So he did it. But it was “good” for a short time. Then everything went to hell. It’s like all this closeness was virtual. Was this proposition reciprocated? Yes. Could be fulfilled? No. The thing is, this person felt tricked, and it was like “I have nothing to do here” “Is he even regretting his attitude?” “Well, I DON’T regret it what happened, but I did so much to receive nothing” “You never loved me” “I’m going to be happy. WITHOUT YOU. I don’t care. I will fight for it”. He didn’t care if he felt confused, or trapped, or whatever would happen. He would do what he needed to do.

Why John felt depressed before going to India?

I forgot to take a picture here…sorry!

I think John felt depressed because he could see clearly the future: he could see himself being happy, with love, with opportunities, but at the same time, his reality was heavy: he felt abandoned, incapable of doing things, and even betrayed. I think it was difficult for him to forget that “betrayal”, and tried to tell (Paul) what he thought. I think the answer was the same as before. “Everything is okay”. I think John eventually thought that this wasn’t enough. The relationship was imbalanced, Paul was being arrogant. It was very difficult to even think what to do, because in a way, he felt happy. I think he couldn’t see that Paul actually loved him.

Is the “betrayal” that John felt about Paul marrying Jane?

I think some of his depression was because of that event.

The cards start telling me about the feeling of not wanting to change anything, and even ignoring the signs: he thought that from the most part Paul wasn’t serious with Jane, but he saw how his attitude changed. He was more considerate and present in her life. I also think John intuitively knew that what Paul wanted. He wanted to construct something. Did John say or did anything about this? No. I think he just let those thoughts cold and tried to “enjoy” their time. “Everything is going to be alright”. Until eventually it wasn’t. He couldn’t stand the feeling of changing. It was like he was standing behind a door, but not wanting to open it. I think when Paul proposed to Jane, it wasn’t a “serious” commitment proposal. But in John’s head was a bigger issue. John was heartbroken. He thought that having somebody else would soft his feelings, but it didn’t.

It’s very weird, because, when I answered this question, for me it wasn’t like this was the “bigger” issue. Was an issue? Yes. But not the main one.

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A lot of theories said that what “ruined” Paul and John’s relationship in India was sex. So I asked about that multiple times, because as I said, I didn’t want it to sound like a fan fiction.

Was India the first time they had something sexual?

I think yes.

The cards start telling about how much they wanted this to happen, but they couldn’t because they thought they needed to use their heads. After some time and reflection, they thought that what they had wasn’t enough, they wanted more. But the thing is, it had to pass a lot of time until they realised that wanting something more for the other, wasn’t wrong, after all, they loved each other, right? But the thing is, there was a fear of almost losing yourself in the other person. “What is he going to do with me?” When the opportunity occurred, it changed everything. There was a immediate feeling of guilty, also, it trigger their self-defenses (one was like “are you sure?”, the other was “yes, but we need to be careful”); I think at the beginning there was absolutely feelings of passion and satisfaction, but one of the parts knew it wasn’t real, it was something that was happening in like, a bubble. In the outside world, they would still be old John and Paul. I think that one of the parts couldn’t see clearly, was the love that the other had for him, or maybe, he saw it, but it was too much. Any of the options made the “loving” part heartbroken.

Did they had a sexual encounter before India?

Yes, but I would say it wasn’t that important as India. Why?

What the cards start telling is that there was a proposal to do something, but the other part wasn’t very sure. He thought that somebody could caught them, something bad could happen. But it isn’t like he didn’t like the idea. He liked the idea very much. There was suddenly a moment were they could do something, but it had to be very quickly, very secret. It wasn’t enough. They obviously wanted more, but how they could do that? There was an opportunity when everything they wanted happened, but also, they had to leave it. I think at that part, the cards are talking about India.

Did J and P have more sexual encounters?

Yes. I can’t know about how many times, but I found interesting, that the cards are telling me about a particular time.

What the cards are telling me at the beginning, is the desire that they felt, a desire that had to be controlled, no matter how much love they felt. I think one of them was very eager to have something, even very sure that he wanted it, but the other part told him that he needed to think more about these things, “you need to remember what we are/ we are just bandmates”, so the other part “regretted it”. It had to pass some time until another proposal came. I don’t know If it was the same person, but this time, the answer was something like “I don’t know about it, what is she going to say?”, but after some time agreed. They had their good time, but immediately overthought about the moment. The one of the proposal thought that this would fix everything, but It didn’t. So he felt like a fool, while the other thought that now HE had the power.

The one that did the proposal felt very depressed, because even when he liked what it happened, he also felt love for him. When this happened, the one that did the proposal decided to work on himself. Be happy (without him).

___

Others

What did John expect from Paul in India?

I think what John expected of Paul in India was some prove that this was actually “something”. What I mean is, that at the beginning of this trip, John have actually reflected about their relationship, and was very sure about what he felt. John thought a lot of how to talk to Paul about this. The thing is, the answer that he received wasn’t what he expected at all. He really thought that this trip would mean a new beginning.

What did Paul think that happened between him and John in India?

I think when John told him what he thought, Paul felt he received what he always wanted. But at the same time, it made him very unhappy. I think it has to be because of the (ALLEGED) internal homophobia that he felt, but it was very hard to say something, even when he felt the same. So he almost acted like nothing happened, but really tried to get any chance he could to be with John. Worst was when they did have a very good time, but he couldn’t say anything. He thought that, maybe being this close physically would be enough for John, but it wasn’t . He noticed that John was “weird”, but didn’t confront him about it. Paul felt miserable, because John didn’t seem to be interested anymore.

What did Paul think that would happen between him and John in India?

I forgot to take a picture here…sorry!

I think Paul just expected to renew the relationship, in a way that everything would be good. The current state of the relationship for him was difficult, but he didn’t know how to act. It was like everytime he tried to do something, he couldn’t. And when he tried, it was shit. So yeah, I don’t think Paul even expected what would happen 🥲.

How did Paul feel when John told him that he loved him?

I think at first, Paul thought that this was some kind of a cruel joke from the destiny. Because he liked what he experienced. But didn’t know what to do about it. He surely knew that he would never forget it.

In his mind was the happiness of knowing that he was loved, but also, didn’t act on it, since he knew he had to think about anything else. There was some promises he made, some rules to follow, things that would made his life “happier” and “easier”, but I also think there was fear, lots of fear to start something new, something so delicate and pure. I think he knew that this would be very difficult, and them, even when they could love each other so much, would never “normally” work. It would never be enough. But that doesn’t mean that he wouldn’t try to do something, the thing is, it seems that was too late.

_________

I hope you like this one. I really tried to do it more “real”, even when a lot of these interpretations match with theories. I found it fascinating.

Thank you very much for your support ❤️

[coquelicoq]

if you're homeless, or you've been homeless, so much love to you. you don't deserve to be harassed no matter how your harassers justify it. you deserve to be safe. you deserve to have choices and the power to act on them. you deserve to be treated like a human being. you deserve to exist in public. it's not your fault that housed people are so insecure about the possibility of experiencing hardship, and/or feel guilty because they know deep down that they could act in solidarity and show compassion and are choosing not to, that they feel they have to erase you from their view so that they don't have to think about it. that's fucked up. you don't deserve that.

[cowardlybean]

Mezato is I think the only character in this series whose personal goal is to be a plot device and she is so so good at it. go make everyone's lives more complicated girl

see i find Mezato's character to be incredibly amusing because back when i was in middle school I was All About making up joke cults and committing to that bit. except So Many people i know who went to middle school in varying times ALSO thought silly cults were hilarious!!! Even my younger sister!!

so not only is Mezato amazing for being a talented plot device (girl how do you organize some of these things HOW ARE PEOPLE TAKING A MIDDLE SCHOOLER'S WORD????) she also just happens to be a pretty accurate example of a middle schooler taking the bit too far

anyway obligated doodle because i dont draw her enough

[lastoneout]

I do think a perfect example of the real difference between tiktok and tumblr is that when tiktok made "girl dinner" posts they were all like "lmao wine and a charcuterie board <3 girl dinner" and on tumblr it was shit like "girl dinner is when I get a grape from the scientists for being a good little test subject who solved the maze without getting shocked" or "when your nemesis punches you so hard it draws blood but then kisses you and licks the blood away call that girl dinner" like there is nothing that makes it more clear than that.

[danganronpa96]

So... me and Rexx were just chatting about DR96 until the conversation turned to me saying "y'know technically Monotora is the only character we can make merch of because they're our original character", which then lead to the idea of a Monotora plush. So, just out of curiosity:

[posallys]

I think we should kill everyone making astronomical rent prices like sorry you're advertising these apartments for college students but they're literally negative 89394sq ft studios no utilities included no laundry no dishwasher no ac not near public transport or grocery stores and then you charge $2000 a month for it. And because We Live In A Society people fucking PAY THAT bc supply and demand and then these greedy mother fuckers just keep raising and raising the price and suddenly the place that was $2000 last year is $2600 this year and what if I take an axe to your knee caps 😍😍😍 what then 😍😍😍

[andrasta14]

~ my journal collection ~

[spitblaze]

Ppl say the hardest part of learning Japanese is all the kanji you gotta memorize, which is fair, you have two entire phonetic alphabets and then you gotta learn a pictograpic one too, that's overkill, but for sure the hardest part nobody tells u. Is that the rules for how kanji words are read are made up and do not matter. Do you use the Japanese reading for this kanji in this word? The Chinese? Something completely different?? Unclear u til you either look it up in a dictionary/jisho/whatever or read it out loud and someone has to correct you.

[kicktwine]

*Shakes you like a marionette* THANK YOU! You get it! I've been trying to tell people for -so long- that ARR (and post) is purposely taking its time to build up the characters, the story, the -entire world- that you're going to spend the next who-knows-how-many-hours/days/weeks/months exploring and adventuring and experiencing and -feeling- through! It might not be "the best paced", but god damn it if I still don't love all the random asides and non-plot moments that just -shapes everything-

(BANGS GAVEL)

LET THEM COOK!!!