#i actually got the accounts by reading the book i used for my thesis

[littlesparklight]

Are there any good books (preferably non-fiction but idm fiction recs) about Paris and/or Helen you would recommend for someone wanting to dive more into the mythology of each?

Haha you're only getting non-fiction because I'm so picky about fiction when it comes to Greek myth I've barely read any at all. So I'll give you some of my favourite academia! Anything that isn't a book is a paper you can read for free either on academia.edu or on Jstor (the latter with a free account). Or, you know, getting it in some other way just like with the books /cough

Helen of Troy: Beauty, Myth, Devastation by Ruby Blondell - SO good (some reviewers feel the Odyssey chapter is lacking,); it's obviously about Helen mostly haha but Paris gets solid mentions in the first couple chapters and scattered ones throughout. Depending on the edition you get, it might or might not have a chapter/paper titled Bitch That I Am: Self-Blame and Self-Assertion in the Iliad ; I recommend this one too, and it can be read on Jstor.

The Body as Argument: Helen in Four Greek Texts by Nancy Worman - really interesting, especially for the Iliad and Sappho 16 sections. On Jstor.

Image, Text, and Story in the Recovery of Helen by Guy Hedreen - he goes through this really systematically! Obviously, nothing about Paris here, but it's definitely a good look at the part of Helen's story that has to do with her being reclaimed by Menelaos. On JStor.

Helen's "Judgment of Paris" and Greek Marriage Ritual in Sappho 16 by Eric Dodson-Robinson - Sappho 16 my beloved. Anyway, it was a while since I read this one, but I remember liking it, and it goes into Helen as subject. Can be found on Jstor, Academia, or downloaded from the university itself!

Aspects of Effeminacy and Masculinity in the Iliad by Christopher Ransom - If you start reading about Homeric masculinity, you'll very soon notice there often comes a line similar to something like this: "but Paris is not that". And if you want to, like, read some actual exploration of how/why Paris is not that and what that means, they will not provide it! This is where Ransom comes in; he walks through the Iliad and all the ways Paris deviates from normative Iliadic (and general ancient Greek) masculinity. Very good paper. On Academia.

Artistic and Literary Representations of the Judgement of Paris in Antiquity by Cristian Mancilla - this is an unpublished thesis and you'll have to google search for it but it's downloadable from the university. If you're interested in the Judgment, this is where to go!

Euripides and the Judgement of Paris by T.C.W. Stinton - you'll probably have to borrow this book from a library? (I got it second hand from a second hand bookstore not even in my country lol) But it's one of those works that gets referenced very often and laid a lot of ground. Is not actually only about Euripides' versions/use of Paris.

Paris in the Epic Tradition by Roberto Nickel - another unpublished thesis, so google search title+author. If you're interested in a (speculative but grounded in the Iliad) discussion of what Paris' character might have been like in earlier times, this is where to go. Nickel explores (but is certainly not the one to have thought of) the possibility of Paris once having had basically both his and Hektor's characteristics in the Trojan War story.

Some general recs:

Listening for the Plot: The Role of Desire in the Iliad's Narrative by Rachel Hart Lesser - this one is now also a published book! (As Desire in the Iliad: the Force That Moves the Epic and Its Audience.) But having compared them, I like the unpublished thesis a little better, personally (certain sections/discussions I liked very much have been restated in a more restricted way in the published book, or otherwise gets less obvious).

Inventing the Barbarian: Greek Self-Definition Through Tragedy by Edith Hall - This one can fit for a Paris rec as well because Paris is a focus thanks to being the "patient zero" and the prime exemplar of the "eastern effeminate barbarian" which is part of what Hall discusses. Very good/interesting book! Go be a pirate about it or download it on Hall's own site, no piracy necessary.

The Iliad: A Commentary by G.S. Kirk (and other authors attached to the volumes past vol. 2) - if you want a commentary, I really like this one, and in terms of Paris and Helen, obviously checking out the volumes that contain the books they appear in is interesting and useful!

[transmutationisms]

i am the world's biggest wikipedia defender (especially against people who say that it's unreliable) because, while i know it's not infallible (is anything, though?), it is peer-reviewed. once, my friend edited the othello page to include a joke we had made and she got her account banned. how do you reckon with wikipedia as a source of knowledge? my understanding of it is that it can serve as a good base for things, but learning never stops and one should read as many sources as possible to gain a fuller understanding of whatever they want to know about. this is a very long-winded way of asking your opinions on wikipedia. my apologies, and i hope today is alright for you :~)

wikipedia obviously gets a lot of flak for the fact that anyone can edit it, which means that people certainly can and do check each other's work, but also that anybody with an axe to grind or just a poor understanding of a subject can potentially really distort the presentation of that topic. there have been some high-profile cases of bad and even dangerous editorialising, like the woman who basically single-handedly is trying to correct a whole bunch of pages for former nazis that really whitewashed their legacies and cited various antisemitic and white supremacist sources to do so. i think it would be foolish to claim that crowdsourced knowledge is inherently accurate, fair, nuanced, &c. wikipedia replicates the biases people put into it, and just having more people edit it doesn't instantly 'average them out' because yknow, we're often talking about widely held positions or prejudices that have also caused distortions in many of the cited sources. also, wikipedia has many more gaps than most people realise, partly because an encyclopedia is necessarily a massive undertaking and also because, by design, it excludes eg oral traditions, non-literate people, &c.

however i do find a lot of wikipedia criticism annoying because it will usually involve trying to counterpose wikipedia to approved academic channels of knowledge production, specifically in a way that sets academic institutions and publishing as an intellectual gold standard that crowd knowledge simply can't compete with. academia is not some kind of magical solution to problems of distortion and bias; academics have their own ways of perpetuating and rationalising prejudices, and reinforcing rather than challenging each other's epistemological authority and laziest, most harmful assumptions. not to mention that many shitty wikipedia articles do actually cite approved academic sources published by university presses! because these characteristics do not actually guarantee that a source is good, only that it passed quality control at a reactionary institution lol.

ultimately i approach wikipedia basically the same way i approach any academic text, which is to say i have to read both with attention to how the arguments are being developed, what evidence they rely on, what ideological assumptions are being made or defended, and so forth. i can't really think of a source or genre of source that i would endorse just reading and uncritically believing; in that sense i certainly agree with people who point out the major potential for inaccuracy in wikipedia articles, only i think this line of criticism is totally useless and blatantly elitist if it simply exempts 'respectable' academic sources or presumes institutional channels of knowledge to be epistemologically infallible.

anyway i use wikipedia to check dates of major events and it's sometimes useful or intriguing simply to see what about a topic interested people enough to write an entry about it. but i don't automatically trust any arguments or analyses in wikipedia articles, any more than i would the thesis of any nonfiction book i pick up.

[checkoutmybookshelf]

Rereading The Fellowship of the Ring for the First Time in Fifteen Years

The previous chapter was all grouchy wizards and atmospheric walking...and this one opens with the return of Professor Tolkien medieval literature scholaring all over the page. So let's just jump in and talk "The Bridge of Khazad-Dum."

So finding the tomb of a comrade always sucks, but context is EXTREMELY required in such cases. Unfortunately, this is the moment where Professor Tolkien rears his ugly head once again. I'm a Shakespeare scholar, and moreover I was a Shakespeare scholar at a reasonably broke school in Alaska, so I designed my thesis to not require me to go look at extant original texts. When I got to my PhD, some fuckery at an administrative level meant that when my first supervisor retired, I was dumped into the lap of a film scholar, so my dissertation because EXTREMELY about film adaptations. So I don't have firsthand experience with extant historical documents and texts, but I am aware of the process. As an undergrad, I once questioned why my text said "safety" while another text said "sanity" (and was very scoffed at before the professor actually understood the question, because I phrased it poorly). The good answer though?

Extant texts from Shakespeare's day and older are PLAGUED with slipperiness that makes them difficult to read and reproduce. They come from a time before standardized spelling, and printers often weren't that careful setting type. If they come from before the printing press, you have issues with handwriting legibility and misspellings. Then there are issues with extant documents being damaged or torn or missing pages or faded by the time we get to them, especially if they've been in private hands without the experience to properly preserve them. So the difference between "safety" and "sanity" was some editor or academic's educated guess because they had a word that started with "s," ended in "y," and was probably about six letters.

Tolkien, as a scholar with an interest in medieval texts, would have understood these issues because I'd be willing to bet hard cash that his academic work required using primary sources and original extant texts. And I'm willing to bet that because we get EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN ONE OF THESE ISSUES with the Book of Mazarbul. In no particular order, here are the issues Gandalf calls out while trying to read this thing:

multiple pages are missing from the beginning

blurred words

burned words

staining (probably blood)

edged blade damage

deteriorated pages that break off

shitty handwriting

partially visible words and guesswork that goes with it

a total lack of context for any of the words you CAN make out

This book is every book scholar's worst goddamn nightmare, because you'll never recreate the whole thing, your guesses are likelier to be wrong than right, and if you don't have plot armor preserving the important stuff, you might literally end up with a description of someone's breakfast but nothing else.

I will say though, there's one thing in here that Tolkien SHOULD have been familiar with in extant texts that isn't represented here. Marginalia. Humans were humans even in the 11-1400s, and scribes and apprentices got bored while copying out books by hand. They doodled. They wrote snarkastic comments in the margins. They had to scratch things out and redo. They had cats around and sometimes little paw prints are found in old manuscripts. Like...ancient books had personality. I get where the dwarves might not have done this in their log book, especially towards the end, but I would have loved some marginalia too.

Because the first few pages of this chapter feel less like Gandalf reading the final account of the attempted Moria colony to me and more like Professor Tolkien having a moment because WHY IS THIS GODDAMN PAGE MISSING I JUST NEED THIS ONE PAGE BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, ITS FUCKING MISSING...

Academia some days, I swear.

But we get knocked out of the academic and into the adventurous pretty fast when the drums in the deep start tolling "doom, doom." And everyone loses their goddamn minds, as any reasonable person would, because we just finished hearing about the dwarves being trapped while the drums in the deep boomed.

Aragorn isn't going down without a fight though. He and Boromir get their asses on securing the door from which the immediate danger will come, with a bit of an assist from Frodo and Sting when some ballsy Uruk puts a foot through the door.

We also get badass good guy Samwise Gamgee:

When thirteen had fallen the rest fled shrieking, leaving the defenders unharmed, except for Sam who had a scratch along the scalp. A quick duck had saved him; and he had felled his orc: a sturdy thrust with his Barrow-blade. A fire was smouldering in his brown eyes that would have made Ted Sandyman step backwards, if he had seen it.

Our boy took out an ORC all on his own!!! Sam is more than capable of taking care of business and apparently he gets scary when you back him in a corner. I entirely approve, and I cannot believe we didn't get this in the movie. GIVE ME SAM SINGLE-HANDEDLY TAKING OUT AN ORC, PETER JACKSON!!!

We also get an Orc chieftain stabbing the hell out of Frodo, which was an honor given to the cave troll in the movies. This goes by pretty fast though, even for a Tolkien battle. It's kind of a one-two stab and grab before everyone makes a run for it. We do get Sam freeing Frodo by chopping the spear haft in half, but if you're reading quickly, it's easy to miss that this should ABSOLUTELY have killed Frodo. The language is pretty clear that it doesn't, and Tolkien only kind of tokenly tries a fake-out death here, since we literally just got the mithril reminder at the end of the last chapter. But I guess technically we get a fake-out death here.

It is very quickly confirmed that Frodo is alive though, with everyone being like, "Wait, you're NOT dead?" and Aragorn and Gandalf both going, "jesus christ, hobbits are tough as nail."

As we keep running from the hordes of Orcs, Uruks, and cave trolls, things start to get hot and there is firelight in places firelight SHOULD EXTREMELY NOT BE. But it does cue Gandalf about where they are, and he points everyone toward the titular Bridge of Khazad-Dum, and the exit. Now it's just a matter of hauling ass and getting out.

Unfortunately, when Legolas turns around to shoot some bitches and buy time, this happens:

Something was coming up behind them. What it was could not be seen: it was like a great shadow, in the middle of which a dark form, of man-shape, maybe, yet greater; and a power and terror seemed to be in and to go before it. It came to the edge of the fire and the light faded as if a cloud had bent over it. Then with a rush it leaped across the fissure. The flames roared up to greet it, and wreathed about it; and a black smoked swirled in the air. It's streaming mane kindled, and blazed behind it. In its right hand was a blade like a stabbing tongue of fire; in its left it held a whip of many thongs. "Ai! ai [sic]!" wailed Legolas. "A Balrog!"

And I just need to take a second here, because like I've said, I was more familiar with the movies than the book. And I just need Tolkien to EXPLAIN HIS DAMN SELF with this description. It's maybe man-shaped, but it has a mane? Like that does give adapters a lot of room to get creative, but WHERE THE HELL DID THEY GET HORNED SHEEP LAVA THING from??? Because that ain't in the text. I do love the drama of this description though. Like, the Balrog knows it's freaking magnificent and is going to play to all the drama that being wreathed in fire and smoke gives it. Which...ngl, I love for it. This thing is damn cool.

And I appreciate that we have FINALLY met a foe that makes Gandalf just kind of stop and go "...fuck me." Because he was starting to feel a bit OP and bored, and now he's taking it seriously, which means I as a reader should be FUCKING TERRIFIED right now, and I appreciate that.

From there, this goes down basically as the movie does, with the sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight deviation that Aragorn and Boromir get BACK on the bridge to have Gandalf's back, so they're like, within arm's reach of him as the Balrog falls and drags Gandalf down with it. But even the dialogue was lifted almost exactly from the page, so I don't feel like I need to go over this bit in much detail. It's badass, it's tragic, and it happens FAST.

And then, of course, everyone else has to haul ass out of there because the Balrog just took out your OP wizard with a flick of its wrist.

So they run, and they run a LOT for a LONG time. They run until they're out of bow-shot of the walls. And as readers, we are left with this final image:

They looked back. Dark yawned the archway of the Gates under the mountain-shadow. Faint and far beneath the earth rolled the slow drum-beats: doom. A thin black smoke trailed out. Nothing else was to be seen; the dale all around was empty. Doom. Grief at last wholly overcame them, and they wept long: some stand and silent, some cast upon the ground. Doom, doom. The drum-beats faded.

So my little headcanon here? Those drumbeats stop being harbingers of doom in that final paragraph and transform to metaphorical heartbeats for Gandalf. We know--because Pippin established it--that falls in Moria can be LONG. They take a while. The Fellowship got out of immediate danger range, and Gandalf could still have been falling. But all they have to go on is those faint, distant, slow drum-beats. The heartbeat/drumbeat comparison is so easy it's not a reach, and when they finally fade and stop, the sense is that there is nothing else for the army of evil to attack. That is--as far as anyone knows or can reasonably assume--the end of Gandalf. It's the literary equivalent of a jump cut and sudden stop of the drumroll in film execution scenes. It cues everyone that something has ended.

Well, this chapter was ABSOLUTELY not more atmospheric walking, and even though it cost us our wizard, I appreciated the tension, the fear, and the pacing in the chapter at large. The mix of breakneck action and still or slow moments to let everyone react or comment was really well done, and finally having something that actually managed to shake Legolas and Gandalf was genuinely scary.

We're going to leave it there for now, and next time we'll pick up with the aftermath of almost getting eaten by a Balrog and losing the mentor wizard of the party. We've only got four more chapters to go, so let's see what the pacing and party dynamics do as we head for Lothlorien sans wizard.

[abeautifulblog]

UR TRANSLATION IS BAD AND U SHOULD FEEL BAD

A Shout Out To All My Homies

[a rant I wrote in grad school, reposting to tumblr so I can link it to people]

So for my thesis I've spent a lot of time wading around in the original text of these 1600-1850 stories, but premodern Japanese isn't exactly my native language, I read slow, so I also leaned pretty heavily on extant English translations to help me find the places I ought to focus my attention on.

They're kind of terrible sometimes.

I'm reluctant to call anybody out by name, because I know how much work goes into translation. It's not a lucrative field, the people who translated these books did it for love not money and I'm greatly beholden to them for it -- their translations made my research possible. Not to mention how much easier it is to nitpick a few points than it is to translate a dozen, or a hundred, or a thousand pages of neo-classical Japanese. And I also know that if I do wind up going into academia, it's not going to endear me to potential future colleagues to be on record shredding their shit.

...But on the other hand, you're accountable for what you publish, and some of these errors are pretty egregious.

**

Point the First: Grammar is fucking important

Okay, so Japanese is a null-subject language, which means that if the grammatical subject is clear from context, you can omit it. Basically, wherever we'd use a pronoun in English (because you know who's being referred to), they just drop it altogether.

English speakers see this and lose their shit. Particularly in translation, because when you have a null-subject sentence without a clearly-defined actor, as a translator it goes against everything in your soul to just make one up. Translators are understandably wary of inserting anything into the translation that wasn't in the original, something that they couldn't necessarily justify if challenged on it, and so the two strategies tend to be:

(1) Make it really vague. "Someone once wrote..." "They say that..."

(2) Make it passive. "It is said that..."

I object to both pretty strenuously. Preparing to address that in my paper, I wrote:

In the face of a context-less null subject, often the English-speaking translator's impulse is to render the verb as a passive (ie, “It is not known”)

I got the draft back from Professor Lady (who is a native Japanese speaker) with the comment "That is not a correct translation."

DON'T TELL ME, TELL THEM.

My hand to god, this is not just me being pedantic, not when the null-subject is "I" and some sloppy translator has just erased the first-person narrator that any native speaker would identify as such.

Or if you want something more meaningful, Jay Rubin points to the inscription on the atomic bomb memorial at Hiroshima:

安ら��に眠ってください。過ちは繰り返しませぬから。

And its passivized English translation, "Rest in peace, for this mistake will not be repeated." When it actually reads "because [SOMEONE] will not repeat the mistake," which throws you face-to-face with the question of WHOSE fault it was, in a way that a passive sentence lets you sidestep. There's a reason politicians use passive sentences when they need to apologize for something.

Let's just say that MISTAKES WERE MADE in these translations, a lot.

**

"Mmm, yes, this is definitely a third-person narrative," Professor Dude 1 murmured, looking very professorial as he peered at Ueda Akinari's "Shiramine" over the rims of his glasses. "You can tell by the use of mi-mahoshi and the quotative particle. A first-person narrative would have used mitakute or something along those lines."

"Mmmm," I said.

"You disagree?"

"No. It's just that Zolbrod translated it as first-person."

Professor Dude 1 scowled. "...Zolbrod couldn't translate his way out of a paper bag."

**

Point the Second: Honorifics are fucking important.

I'm not just saying that because honorifics are what I wrote my thesis on, I wrote my thesis on them because they're fucking important.

In fact, they're often the vile enablers that make null-subjects possible.

Take the verb "say," for example -- default is iu. Honorific forms are notamau and ōsu. Humilific form is mōsu. All four of them mean "say," and the distinction gets entirely flattened in translation into English.

And because they don't need to be translated differently, a lot of second-language learners of Japanese just map them all to the same mental space. So then when they're reading Japanese and come across any of the four, they automatically think say, without registering which it was.

But it matters because sometimes it's your only clue as to who the fuck is talking. Prime example occurs in the Richardson translation of the Asai Ryoi story "Flying Kato," in which Kato, a sneak thief, is having a conversation with Uesugi Kenshin. (Yes, that Uesugi Kenshin.)

It's a conversation. Dialogue is set off by alternating inquit tags to iu (plain) and to notamau (honorific). Plain form "said”s are for Kato's lines, because he's a lowly thief; honorific "said”s are for Kenshin's lines, because he's a big famous warlord.

Richardson translated the whole damn thing as a monologue from Kato.

(Richardson... manages to mistranslate honorifics almost every time they appear. >_>)

"How did he mess this up??" I demanded, appalled. "He is better at Japanese than me. He translated the entirety of Otogi-boko, which I could not have done. He understands so many things that I don't. How could he have missed something so simple?"

"Well," Professor Dude 1 said, unruffled. "Richardson did learn Japanese from the CIA."

**

"I was talking with Royall Tyler once," remarked Professor Dude 2, meditatively. (Royall Tyler being the latest person to tackle translating the gargantuan Tale of Genji.) "He said it wasn't until the 'Wakana' chapter that he felt he'd finally grasped Murasaki Shikibu's use of honorifics."

I snorted.

The professor continued, "I asked if he'd, ah, gone back and fixed the earlier chapters, then...? He said no."

**

With a pencil, I strike through a line of the Richardson translation and write in the margin: "This is a causative, not an honorific."

Halfway down the page, I strike through another line and write: "This is an honorific, not a causative."

**

Point the Third: Werds are pretty important too

Perhaps it's not quite so damning a sin as outright mistranslation, but gawd, how some people have a tin fucking ear for language.

No sooner did he open the door of the sleeping chamber, than a demon thrust its head out at the priest. The projecting extremity was so huge that it filled the doorway, gleaming even whiter than newly fallen snow, with eyes like mirrors and horns like the bare boughs of a tree.

"Projecting extremity"? Really, Zolbrod? Really?

Or like this line from the cinematic opening of Kyokutei Bakin's Hakkenden, as the main character is fleeing a doomed battle and turns back, Orpheus-like, just in time to see his father die:

馬の足掻をとどめつつ、見かえる方は鬨の声、矢叫びの声かしましく、はや落城とおぼしくて、猛火の光天を焦がせば

He stopped his pacing horse and, when he turned to look back, he heard the noise of war and the sound of arrows. Knowing the castle was about to fall, he saw the light of a fierce fire burning the sky. (trans. Ellen Widmer)

"Sound" of arrows. Yes, I suppose screaming (sakebi) is a sound, one that is a hair more evocative. "Toki no koe" is not "noise of war," it is specifically the thing you holler as you run into battle -- the voice you give at the appropriate time, as it were. Not to mention the really terrible ordering of the whole sequence, and the bizarrely juxtaposed participle. I submit for your consideration:

He reined in his horse and looked back, toward the battle cries and the screams of arrows. He could see the castle about to fall, the light from its roaring flames setting the sky itself ablaze.

This is also the translation that gave us "They were defeated refugees with nothing left. Master and servant alike were extremely hungry and tired."

I think the words you're looking for are exhausted and starving.

Hungry, you say? Were they hara ga hetta? Onaka ga suita? A bit PEKO PEKO, perhaps?

Or were they -- as it says in the damned Japanese -- ueru, aka, literally starving.

This is like "sound of arrows" versus "screams of arrows" thing again -- why on earth would you pick the phrase that is both further from the original and fucking weaksauce? It's the worst of both worlds.

One more from this translation, because I can't-- I just can't:

"He ceremonially picked up the piece of dirt three times and inserted it into his breast pocket."

Inserted it

into his breast pocket.

I can't decide which is worse -- the weirdly clinical "inserted" instead of something like "tucked" or even "put," or how that makes it sound like the guy is wearing a sports jacket instead of a kimono.

(Then again, an anachronistic translation kind of suits the spirit of Bakin, who has his 15th-century Japanese dudes shooting each other with guns. 🤣)

**

Oh damn, I thought, comparing the Japanese text of Hakkenden chapter 25 to Donald Keene's translation of it, He didn't do the whole chapter, he just selected a part from the middle.

It's okay though! Because I remember seeing someone else's version of the same chapter in a different anthology. Yup, there it is, "Shino and Hamaji," translated by Chris Drake.

...which, curiously enough, begins at the same point as the Keene translation.

...and also ends at the same point.

You even read, bro?

**

Not everyone is terrible. Paul Gordon Schalow is very good at spotting the subjectivity cues of a first-person narrator even in the absence of first-person pronouns. (Although he does make null subjects overly vague sometimes.) Barry Jackman eschews false passives with the fervor of a convert. Anthony Chambers can make Ueda Akinari's creepy-cool ghost stories reach across the centuries to raise the hair on your arms.

THE END

(And I didn't wind up going into academia or translation, but I still have opinions about these things. 🤣)

[a-multilingual-dream]

Hello!

My name is Juliet. I recently finished my masters degree in sociolinguistics, and then moved to France to work for a travel company. I used my first three months of living in this new country and working full time to get settled in, but now I'm ready to get back to my language studies!

And what better place to get motivation than here ;)

Let me introduce the languages that i speak / want to speak:

🇩🇪 German 🇩🇪 (Native)

This is my mother tongue and i actually have a certificate to teach German as a foreign language - i love teaching it, so if anyone needs help, don't hesitate to contact me.

🇺🇲 English 🇺🇲 (C1 / C2)

I started learning English at 12 years old in high school, and later taught myself by reading English books and watching English tv shows. My master program was mostly in English and i actually wrote my thesis in English, so I'm pretty comfortable with the language.

🇨🇵 French 🇨🇵 (C1)

Oh French - my love and my enemy. I grew up next to the French border and starting learning it in 5th grade. I proceeded to do 2 student exchanges in France, spent a year as an au pair in Paris, later did my Erasmus semester in Paris and recently moved back to France. I love France, i love French - and the pressure is high to speak it fluently. This actually makes me pretty self-conscious when speaking it, which in turn makes me worse at it. By moving to France, i hope to really improve my language skills, especially my vocabulary.

🇮🇹 Italian 🇮🇹 (B1)

Italian is my favorite language in the world, and Italy is my favorite country in the world. I just love everything about it, which is why I decided to learn Italian a few years ago. I have been studying it on and off for about 4 years, a mix of beginner classes at my university and self study. After finishing my masters this spring, i spent the summer traveling through Italy and ended the trip with a 2 week language course in Torino, and it was absolutely amazing! I'm excited to keep learning and to hopefully go back to Italy many times :)

🇯🇵 Japanese 🇯🇵 (beginner)

I've been wanting to study Japanese for sooo long, i think it's been 5 years since i bought my first Japanese language book. 5 years later, do i speak any Japanese? Nope. I can read and write hiragana and katakana, quite a few kanji, and i know basic sentence structure. But that's it. I think it's soo interesting to learn all about a language that's completely different from all the languages i know, but that also makes it challenging to learn it all by myself. I had planned and booked a 6-week language course in Tokyo in the summer of 2020, and was soo excited that i cried when I booked it. Well, I cried even more when the whole trip got cancelled bc of COVID... After that i didn't really get back into studying it, although I'm still as interested in it as ever. So I've been thinking about trying out italki this year... I will try to make a decision about how to go forward with my Japanese study during January.

~Other~

If i had the time to study more languages (which at the moment i absolutely do not, but life is long) i would be interested in Chinese and Korean. After getting to know the basics of Japanese i find it really fascinating to learn a whole new writing system and a completely different grammar, and although I've had absolutely no connection to Asia so far in my life, i absolutely want to travel there and learn more about its numerous languages (which i know aren't just Japanese, Chinese and Korean 😉). It's just like there's a whole new world to explore there!

So that was my (not so short) introduction. I'll be looking for langblrs that post more or less about the languages I'm learning, so if anyone who studies any of my languages sees this post, don't hesitate to leave a like and I'll have a look at your account!

To be continued...

[mariellewritesalot]

It's my 9th anniversary on Tumblr 🥳 (since December 2014)

Almost a decade, wow! Excelsior by mariellewritesalot is a writing blog I started as a teenager to fully embrace the fact that I wanted to become a writer. I wanted my own "website" or at least a home for my words. "Excelsior" is my favorite word, and I was a bit obsessed with it back then, given that it meant going ever upward. "mariellewritesalot" was just something I thought of while watching cartoons where one of the characters had "a lot" attached to their name (I believe it was Sir Yipsalot). I could cringe, but honestly, I'm not too bothered enough to change it. Maybe it's part of its charm.

Suffice it to say, this has been my longest relationship so far, haha. We've had our ups and downs, terrible lulls of writer's block when I would be too busy with life or too paralyzed with fear that I'm not good enough to actually post something here.

I started writing early on because I was the kind of child who read everywhere and owned a Kindle since I was 12. I joined essay contests and wrote fan fiction until I was in the middle of my teenage years. I loved Total Girl Philippines, and eventually became a Jr. TG Staff Writer for one week in the summer of 2012. I won a Palanca when I was in senior high school. I dabbled, of course, in campus journalism for many years. Editor-in-Chief for some publications. I wrote news, features, opinions...even UAAP sports! I then created a Facebook page for my blog to expand my audience. I was fortunate enough to land a spot in UP Diliman where I took a certificate course on Malikhaing Pagsulat sa Filipino (loved working on my Filipino writing skills) and eventually, my Bachelor of Arts degree in Philippine Studies, where I also majored in History. I wrote my undergraduate thesis on Filipino food in Filipino-American restaurants based in the United States, guided by my love for Doreen Fernandez essays and curiosities about the diaspora; so I could also help these restaurants map out their histories. During the pandemic, I worked on a practice Young Adult novel called, Don't Write Me Off.

I started working freelance and interning for some publications like PhilStar Life and Esquire Philippines. I've been a part of college organizations in UP Diliman, where I honed my skills in leadership, writing, and research so that I may be able to do talks and workshops about writing in different schools and provinces in the Philippines. Last year, I became a Creative Nonfiction fellow for the 61st Silliman University National Writers Workshop, which has been a dream of mine since, well, I was in high school and deeply obsessed with 'the scene.' I got to belong with my chosen family in the fellows with whom I shared the once-in-a-lifetime experience in Dumaguete. We have since joined the Cebu Art Fair last year with our zine, Saudade: A Study on Longing, which features two of my works. As a collective, we're always collaborating on something. Watch this space!

Nowadays, I'm living somewhere in Spain, and I'm working on my first book. It's a collection. It's (too) vulnerable. I think you'll like it. I believe that I will probably be in pursuit of more knowledge and skills as a writer for the rest of my life, so despite my wanting to be a mysterious private person, I think you'll be hearing (reading?) a lot from me on various platforms. Hopefully.

While we're here, I have something new. Since we're losing Tinyletter next month, which was where I used to send out my newsletter of truly vulnerable, exclusive pieces, I have decided to "move houses" and finally join Substack. I'm going to talk about some facets of my life here in Spain, food, and the usual prose. Essentially, a lot of my stuff will be free to read there, but I would appreciate pledges if you can. I will still update my Tumblr from time to time, of course, seeing as this is my main site. No worries!

This year, I'm also going to work on creating an Instagram account for my writing. I have beautiful plans I can't wait to share with you. I'm hoping you'll come along for the ride.

Thank you, lovers, for this milestone.

Always,

Marielle

[uionaninuoionion]

Gaming apps converting earnings to crypto, Rs 700 crore moved out of India, reveals GST pro

“Someone asked me what is the best time to invest in India, I told him in my opinion the best time to invest was July 24th, 1991, which is the day Manmohan Singh gave the budget, the index of 1400, the Sensex I believe was around 1400 odd there and that day the cards were open. He knew that India was going to change and go to a better place and subsequent events have proved it completely right. The next best time to invest is today. I mean if you have not invested in India, you gotta start doing it now,” says Ramesh Damani, Member, BSE.

Damani says: “All my predisposition tells me to remain invested, do not get scared by the volatility and I have not been for 30 years, I have always remained almost fully invested in Indian markets, so I do not get scared with the volatility. The best is yet to come.”

What a delight to have you on ET now. Thank you for joining us. It is always a pleasure to be with you and thank you so much for the very kind words. And I will say learn to be bullish in India, I learned from our common friend Rakesh Jhunjhunwala and my mentor RK Damani. They are the ones who taught me that India is a growth country. It is so populated and so there is only upside. I owe a lot of debt to those two people at least.

To be fair, you have always identified mega trends. And before the world started using the word mega trends, you started practicing the whole thesis of looking at the big picture and then identifying companies within that. Yes absolutely right. I tried to do that. When I came back in the late 80s to India, the mega trend was cement shares. It was actually morphed by what was called the liberalization trend that was taking place in India. After that, I realized the big money is made in the big swing and you need to identify the big swing. So we were very lucky we got the 2000 technology trend right. And then I tried to follow each bull market and try to spot the leadership in this bull market.

I have been at somewhat of a thought process trying to figure out how to label this bull market that started. You know how we label this bull market? I finally had what you call eponymy moment which says that the label would have caused the growth of the great Indian middle class. I think that is going to be a great story. The new book out which I would recommend. I have not read it yet but I have ordered it is by Homi Kharas called The Middle Class. A lot of my ideas are from there.

He says that it is the middle class that started in England in the 18th-19th century that is shaping our world today. And he says that out of a population of about 8 billion 4 to 5 billion are now in the middle class. And the maximum number of middle class are coming from India rather than from places like America. So that is going to be a major trend because the middle class is roughly defined as having a PPP purchasing power parity of about $12 per day which is significantly above the poverty level of $2 a day.

That means at that point they can save, they can invest, educate, travel and do a number of things. And what we are seeing perhaps in India is the beginning of a hockey stick curve as our per capita has gone over $2,500 and the middle class expanded quite handsomely. They are now demanding action on things from climate change, to travel, to better education, to better living standards. That will be the mega trend which is not only shaping this bull market but also the society around us.

What is right and wrong in this market? We can argue both ways. What is your assessment? Well you know I think there is much to be right in this market. I think the last few days we have seen a significant fall in the market. I think we have added, if I am not mistaken, about 13 crore demat accounts in India, a majority of which have come in the last three years. All of them have been uniformly optimistic which is good. But they are getting a lesson to understand exhibits in the market, the difference between what I call risk and volatility.

Risk is the choice of permanent loss of capital which is very dangerous and you do not want to be in that situation. Volatility is what happened yesterday and what happened the day before yesterday and what will keep on happening in the markets. That market is correct. The next 2,000 points on the Sensex can be up and down. Nobody knows what is going to happen. Maybe an astrologer can say what will happen. But my strong feeling is that the next 20,000 points on the Sensex are higher because of the unfolding demographics, digitization and democracy that has taken root in India. So I feel that there is a lot that is going on right with this market.

What is going wrong in the market? A bull market like this will always lead to excesses, to overstretched valuations and will lead to unnecessary confidence and sometimes regulatory changes that are important or regulation changes that are important being pushed aside because the market is doing so well. We hope those mistakes do not happen. But there is a lot to be thankful for and a lot to be looking forward to being optimistic over the next few years rather than being pessimistic.

How are you approaching this market, are you fully invested? Yes, I am fully invested. I barely have any cash which is rare for me. Typically, I go in with 5-10% cash into the bull market but as I have aged and matured, I have been more confident putting all the money on the table and letting the risk come where it will. I feel there is good reason for optimism and one of the sectors that I called this time was of course the public sector stocks and they have had a brilliant run out there.

We need to give credit to the Modi government that the public sector, which was one of the drags on the Indian economy, has turned around. The people in DIPAM are really on top of the game. For the first time they are doing an OFS and the prices go sharply higher after the OFS, you know, so the fall is very temporary in those prices. I think the debate that PSUs should be privatized or value will not be unlocked has now receded. We are fine if these companies are so well managed.

One very important thing that people missed in the stock market was that a) the government would use these public sector units as the blunt edge for capital expansion and b) that they were telling them that you have to pay 30% of its dividends.

Two, three years ago, you were getting these companies on today's earnings and at a 7-8% yield which is an extraordinary bonanza the investors got early. So, it has been a good place and I am very clear, including after what the prime minister said in the Parliament and I am sure you noticed that. Basically, the Prime Minister of India going on the floor or well of Parliament and saying a bullish case of public sector in stocks, when did that happen? It has never happened before. So we were ecstatic when the prime minister did that.

It was in mid-August sometime and so my personal feeling is that the leadership is very much intact with the public sector stocks. They probably have a large-ish way to go still because typically, in the bull market leadership, the stocks go up 10x 20x after some point. So I would remain invested in good quality businesses.

The aggregate market cap for PSUs including LIC and some new IPOs is up 3x, that is aggregate market cap. It has been a phenomenal run and plus you got so much dividend out of it. I mean you were getting these stocks basically at 4-5% yield and with a certainty of an order book, it is not that the order books were speculative. We knew the order books for the next five years. So, I think there was a whole debate which I think was wrongly conceived in the stock market last year that you buy quality at any price and, of course, that is a mislead, you cannot buy quality at any price. There is a price that you pay will reduce your investment returns without doubt and I think the people who stuck to finding value investing and trying to find value irrespective of the PSU, smallcap, largecaps, did well.

So, if you look at some of the exchanges, the major exchanges remain stable where the unloved exchanges went up. The FMCG and the private banks did not do well. The PSU banks did so well. So, the market noted the cheapness of those particular sectors and rewarded those who bet on that sector very handsomely and I have been lucky in that.

Within that you identified railways. You have gone on record and you have said that you bought into the railway PSU basket, less of defence and more of railways. Not true. Actually, my first bet was on defence and second was on railways.

But you bought both. I bought both and I bought both with – not conviction but I just felt that they were too cheap. I bought all the defence companies. Some of them are extraordinary businesses and they continue to do well and what has happened is that we have gone from importing a lot of the stuff to making the stuff ourselves and now we are exporting it.

Look at the number of orders that say a company like Bharat Dynamics is getting or Hindustan Aeronautics is getting. An extraordinary shift has taken place. So, if you ask me within the PSU sector where is the leadership? I would say it is in the defence.

Also read | Mutual funds join multi-billion dollar PSU rally, eye 2014 record in election year And you think that one should look at these stocks barring the volatility which could happen 10-15-20% nobody knows, but the leadership sector you think is with PSUs as a bracket and within that, defence and railways could be subparts? I think so and I mean just to point out there is a lot of talk about the PSUs over many years and I just wish your people who come on the show and speak folios there, see a company like Bharat Electronics which I own and I am not recommending in any way or form other than educating the public about it.

We bought the stock maybe in the early 2000 at Rs 300-crore market cap. It is Rs 1,30,000-crore mcap right now. The dividend itself compounded at some 18-20% something silly. So, they have delivered some superior returns and they never diluted the equity, that is the most important thing I find. They have never diluted with equity in the 30 years they have been listed, they have never diluted with equity, which Indian companies can you say have not done that, even Infosys diluted with equity multiple times. So, an extraordinary business run extraordinarily well. I think some of the criticism has been misplaced.

People who criticised them, loved them altogether without trying to do what a stock picker should do or a good value investor, that is judge each individual company on its merit. I think they are paying the price for that.

Why do you think these things happen? I mean if the market cap was so cheap, if it was a government backed business, dividend yield was so strong, the same thing happened to let us say PFC-REC. Why do markets ignore them? It is a case of throwing the baby out with the bathwater. A lot of what is called herd mentality. Sometime in the mid-2000, the mantra became very popular in the stock market, quality at any price. We want good capital allocation. There is a very well-known author I met recently called Pulak Prasad and I respect him for he has done a fabulous job…

The book is fantastic actually. Yes, book is fantastic – What I learned from Darwin. He said I will never invest in the public sector but then he was honest to say that I don’t want to invest in a MNC also because both are very poor capital allocators.

Even conglomerates. He said I have never bought Tata or Birlas. So, I appreciate that at least he had the intellectual honesty to say that I do not want to go to a bad capital allocator. MNCs will also not do it in your best interest. I really appreciate that. But most people just want to throw the baby out of the bathwater because we made a lot of money in the first round of the PSU divestment. So, we were familiar with these companies.

We understood valuations out there and there was a period we did not make any money from them. But again it has come back. So, the market has to have the cyclicality and up and down trajectory that goes through. I think people who in 2000 said only invest in tech in India or people who said I only invest in high-quality business, pay the price. The market is not a place for the arrogant. It is a place for the humble.

In markets mean reversion is the biggest truism they always say that. Excesses always get created on the upside, on the downside. Where do you think markets are mispricing growth on the upside, that they are pricing a cherry consensus and where do you think they are still ignoring the potential of the business or the value of the company? It is a very difficult question. I do not know all that because I am a stock picker. I try to look bottom. Having said that, would I want to remain fully invested? Corrections have started, maybe it is coming, maybe it is right there. I think yes, I do not see any signs that I normally would see in a top. We do see some size in the reckless capital expansion, the QIPs, the response to public issues, something out there but for the first time, we are also getting three crore new investors coming in.

Every morning the market opens and Rs 1,500 crore is ready waiting to be invested. So, that is a sea chain that is happening. Some of the tops that we see in the market in terms of over leveraged companies or too much debt or too shaky corporate earnings; I do not see that yet. So, I am willing to tell you that what we are witnessing now is volatility and that is the nature of the market.

Charlie Munger recently passed away. He was asked the same question. He said in his lifetime of 40-50 years of being with Berkshire Hathaway, Berkshire Hathaway corrected three times of 50% each because he said that is the nature of the market. We cannot deal with it. You are not going to make money in life, okay. Risk is what I said is the chance that I can permanently lose capital, that I buy a business that goes bust. There have been a lot of businesses that went bust in India also, in the 2000 the tech boom I can rattle off names.

So, you want to avoid that kind of situation for any time in the portfolio and that can happen even in a good market that stocks can actually go bust. So, we do not want to get into that. A lot of people do option trading which is a zero-sum game. You probably want to scale down on that because it might be easy money but when you lose, you can lose almost the entire fortune in that, and I would be very careful of that.

But there are very good high quality businesses in India whether it was the public sector stocks, that BPO businesses, the IMEC corridors that we are talking about which will generate returns and do well for the customers over many-many years to come and if you are young in India and you are looking in the next 30 years, you need to invest.

Someone asked me what is the best time to invest in India, I told him in my opinion the best time to invest was July 24th, 1991, which is the day Manmohan Singh gave the budget, the index of 1400, the Sensex I believe was around 1400 odd there and that day the cards were open. He knew that India was going to change and go to a better place and subsequent events have proved it completely right. The next best time to invest is today. I mean if you have not invested in India, you gotta start doing it now.

I mean when they are going to do it and look at it for a period of 5-10-20-year period, do not look at it from the next five days which as I said could be extremely volatile and you could lose a lot of money out there. But if you keep the faith, buy high quality business with good cash flows, you are going to come out ahead in this business.

I will sound very repetitive with this one but it is important that we just get your views again. If you weigh prices and risk and the market dynamics, the sliver of the market may be expensive which always is the case but by and large, if you do a health checkup, the diagnosis of the market, you do not think there is a bubble or there is a mania in the market, one should remain fully invested. Absolutely not.

I am asking it point blank. Yes, I mean the point blank and I know I can be wrong with these kinds of things. You know markets live forward but understood backwards, so you do that. But all my predisposition tells me to remain invested, do not get scared by the volatility and I have not been for 30 years, I have always remained almost fully invested in Indian markets, so I do not get scared with the volatility. The best is yet to come.

Maybe India cannot double in three years, maybe it can double in four years’ time, but it is still the best place for a young Indian to be. I am not a young Indian anymore, I am reaching senior citizen level, but for a young Indian, if you are 30-35 years starting out, where are you going to put the money? I mean you cannot put it in gold or cryptocurrency. It is a dud’s game to do, it is the mugs game in my opinion to do it. You need to put in equity which generates some returns for you, gives you some dividend and allows you to build your wealth, just like my generation built the wealth.

As I told you in 1991 when we started the index was 1500. It is closer to 75,000 now. Look at the journey that has taken place. You made 30-40x on the index, imagine if you pick stocks how well you must have done during that period. So, I think given the sweet spot that India is in terms of its democracy, in terms of its demographics, in terms of digitisation that is helping and the growing middle class in India. I mean 500 million people will be in the Indian middle class by 2030. That is an extraordinary development taking place and we are going to witness what a lot of economists call a J curve once India's economy, per capita goes over $2,500-3,000. In that there will be a wide dispersion with people earning $10,000-15,000, the average is 3000, but a lot of people are above that number and that is going to power growth for a number of years to come.

Demographically as you know we are the best positioned country in the world. China's population is projected to grow over the next 30-50 years from 1.4 billion to 800 million. That is the kind of demographic disaster Korea, Japan, Italy and China are facing. India’s population is still growing and still young, so the next 20-30 years we do not have a problem.

[xtiantr]

Manila Trip

I just crossed another item on my list to visit and I tagged my friends along with me. I’ve visited the National Library for the first time. It’s always nice to continue experiencing “firsts” so I battled laziness and made time for it. I don’t know why I held it off for so long since it was just literally in Manila and it’s free. Maybe it’s because I don’t wanna look like a fool back then navigating the huge place lol. Anyway, I finally checked it out and instantly realized and regretted not having to utilize this during my high school days.

It’s a very conducive place for learning. It’s well-lit, spacious, and organized. The interiors are quite picturesque too. You can browse their catalog through a computer database using your account. Yes, there is an online account for this - used to borrow the books, thesis, or newspaper clips you want to check out and to see whether it’s available. It’s like online shopping apps. Then you’ll get to pick up the book in the circulation area. Most of the tables have an electric outlet so you can charge your phones or something.

I also got an ID that can be used for life for only a hundred bucks. Overall, it’s a cute experience. I borrowed mythology books, haha to look at some pictures. I didn’t plan to actually read books that day, we just want to register and know how the library works.

Our second stop was the National Museum of Natural History. Also, free! I’ve visited this a couple of times, so I just accompanied my friends. It was still beautiful. It’s nice to know it was maintained well.

Here are some pics I took:

And of course, some selfies:

I will be updating you guys with the part 2 of this. We are planning to check out all the free museums around Manila. Until next time.

[danijimenezv]

His Biggest Fan

Summary: A little rewrite of the vending machine scene from OH1 Ch1. This was inspired by the replay for the Open Heart Book Club.

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x MC (Jillian Valentine).

Word Count: 2216 words.

A/N: I followed a lot of the game script but also added a little. I merged a few choices because I'm an indecisive little shit that loved both options 😂 And I also hated that Landrat kept Ethan's autograph, so I fixed it. As always, feedback is much appreciated! (please, I crave it)

“Wait! It’s you, isn’t it?”

“What?” Jillian furrowed his eyebrows at the other intern’s exclamation, deeply confused. On the outside, her face was a perfect mask of calm, but on the inside, she started to feel a wave of anxiousness threatening to suffocate her by the thought of being recognized.

“You’re the intern who did the thoracotomy with him this morning?”

“Yeah.” she shook her head, letting out the breath she had been holding, “And he ripped me a new one in front of everyone. It was so unbelievably-”

“Lucky!” Landry exclaimed, earning a puzzled look from her, “Ethan Ramsey actually talked to you! Ugh, this is what I get for getting to work an hour early. If I saw him in person, I’d probably just…”

As much as Jillian admired the man, she really couldn’t understand how Landry could describe her humiliation as a moment of luck. She was many things, proud being one of them, so she only felt indignant about what had happened that morning, nowhere near as happy as Landry.

“It was intimidating.” she shrugged, but raised an eyebrow when Landry froze up, staring wide-eyed in panic, “Landry? You okay?” he pointed past her, and as she turned around, she saw him there, talking to a nurse down the hall, the one and only Doctor Ethan Ramsey, “Crap, he’s coming this way. Hide me.”

“Hide you?! Hide me!” Landry squeaked.

“Jillian, stop.” she ordered herself, gathering her pride and dignity, “What am I doing? I can’t let my first day go like this. Okay, I’m… I’m gonna go talk to him.”

“The man once tore apart the research of the A.M.A.’s president… during the president’s keynote address! Are you sure about this?” Landry gasped.

“Landry, sometimes you just gotta… risk it.” Jillian grinned, “I’m always sure about what I do. It might not be the brightest idea, but at least I’m sure. I’m doing this. Would you let me borrow your copy of his book?”

Landry only nodded, still shocked in place. After taking Landry’s copy of Diagnostic Principles, Jillian marched down the hall toward Doctor Ramsey, who had stopped by an elderly patient’s room. Even from the hall, she could hear the patient hollering.

“I’m not going to ask you again, Barb.” Ramsey said tiredly.

“Forget about it, Doctor Ramsey. I’m busting outta this joint. I’ll tie the bedsheets together and rappel out of the window.” the older woman threatened.

“Don’t wait up on my account. In fact, I might break out of here with you.” for the first time, Jillian saw Ethan smiling, which surprised her and dazzled her in equal parts.

“I mean it! I don’t have my favorite armchair, and I’m bored without my puzzles.”

“And I’m bored of your excuses, Barb. Whine all you want, I’m not going anywhere until you take your medication.”

Ethan muttered to himself as he walked away from the entrance of the room and headed to a vending machine in the hall. He slid a dollar bill into the machine, but just stood there with his arms folded, not selecting anything.

“Hi, Doctor Ramsey.” Jillian approached with the most charming smile she could muster.

He glanced up at her for a split second with bemusement, before looking back at the machine, “Rookie. Back there, were you… hiding from me?”

“No, I don’t hide.” she stated confidently, showing the book, “I was actually hoping you might sign this book.”

“Autographs? Don’t you have work to be doing? Or at least other attendings to irritate?”

“Nope, just you.” she grinned, knowing it would only push his buttons.

“Interns.” he sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose, “I should have guessed. Well, if you have something else to say, then say it.”

“I just wanted to tell you I’m your biggest fan.”

Jillian hated to admit that; after all, it irritated her immensely when people said that about her parents or older siblings. She knew idolatry was pointless and frankly annoying, but for some reason, she wanted, needed, Ethan to know just how much she admired him and how much he had played part in the decision of becoming a doctor. She shared the same love, intrigue and aptitude for medicine as her family, but after much research, she knew becoming a doctor, a human one, was her calling. And the formidable Ethan Ramsey had inspired her enough to stand up to her family and choose her own path.

He still didn’t look away from the vending machine, half-listening, “My biggest fan? Is that right?”

“I’ve read all your papers: systemic amyloidosis, Lesch-Nyhan Syndrome, spinocerebellar ataxia…” at that, he turned to look at her directly, and Jillian straightened her posture slightly, refusing to back down, and instead held his sharp blue gaze, “You inspired me to go to medical school.”

“That ataxia paper was my undergrad thesis. That medical journal isn’t even published anymore. You tracked that down?” he seemed impressed.

“I can give you my copy… if you’d like.”

The way her voice had dropped to a sultry tone made it seem like she was offering something far less innocent and far more appealing than a simple copy of one of his papers. He tilted his head, intrigued for a moment, and then turned back to the machine.

“That won’t be necessary.” Ethan cleared his throat, and glanced back at the snacks display, “But I don’t think that’s what you came here to tell me.”

It was Jillian’s time to look intrigued. Over the years, she had perfected the art of hiding her thoughts and concealing her emotions with polite smiles and bored looks. She knew how to play the manipulation game with closed eyes, even if she didn’t do it frequently. But what had thrown her off base was that, somehow, Ethan could see right through her. The way he read her wasn’t something she was used to, and she still wasn’t sure if she liked it or not.

“Okay, I also came to assure you that I won’t let you down again.” she conceded.

He didn't even bother to look at her this time, “You can see the future? If so, you’ll make a remarkable physician.”

“Of course not. I just meant–”

“You will let me down again, Rookie. What’s more, you’ll let yourself down. Over and over.” he interrupted her and Jillian looked away, starting to regret even trying to talk to the man, but at last, Doctor Ramsey turned to stare directly at her, his blue eyes connecting with her honey-colored ones, “But what matters is that you get back on your feet each and every time, and push yourself to be better.”

Jillian was rendered speechless. She hadn’t expected him to give motivational and helpful advice, but here he was, proving her he wasn’t just another heartless, arrogant, know-it-all doctor as she had first gathered. Though she took his advice to heart and imprinted it in her brain, she didn’t dare say anything in return. After a few seconds in silence, she noticed how his eyes kept flicking to the chocolate bar in the top corner of the vending machine.

“I was always a salty snacks kind of girl myself, you know, popcorn, chips, that stuff.”

“That’s truly fascinating, but I’m not-”

“I know you’re not getting something for yourself.” Jill interrupted him, “You’re trying to pick something to cheer up Barbara in there, right?”

“How’d you figure that?”

“Just paying attention.” she mused with a soft smile, “You know, I bet I could pick out just the thing.”

“I doubt it. Barbara’s even more stubborn than you. She’s refused to take her pills for two days. But be my guest, it’s a hopeless endeavor.”

He didn’t think she could do it. In fact, he was looking at her like he was expecting her to fail, and not specifically in Barbara’s case. Jillian straightened her back at the challenge and scanned the contents of the vending machine. Her honey-colored eyes glinted in delight as soon as she spotted the hot cocoa. It was, after all, a comforting classic, and one of her personal favorites. Without a second to waste, she pressed the numbers for the chocolate. The machine whirred and the cocoa powder pack plunked out into the tray.

“Hot chocolate?” Doctor Ramsey looked down at her with condescendence, wanting to scoff at her cliché choice.

Jillian filled up a mug with hot water from the machine at the nurses’ station, and stirred in the cocoa. Once she made sure the drink was ready, she handed it to Ethan.

“How exactly is this supposed to-?”

“Come on, Doctor Ramsey, it’s hot chocolate. It’s bound to work, especially if she’s feeling restless and homesick.”

“That’s a big guess you’re taking there.”

“Don’t be so stubborn.” Jillian chastised him, “Look, just give it to her, okay? Trust me.”

“I don’t trust you.” he muttered.

“Well, you could always keep trying your way, but you don’t seem to be too successful at that either.”

He narrowed his eyes at her, but still took the mug and headed back into Barbara’s room. Jillian rested against the wall for a few minutes while she waited for him to be back. He soon returned with a perplexed look on his face.

“That got her to take the pills. I can’t believe it.” his mouth fell open in shock and he blinked a few times, “So, are you gonna tell me how you worked that one out?”

“Nope.”

“No?”

“A girl’s gotta have some secrets.”

Because if she had read him right, and she definitely thought she had, Ethan Ramsey was the kind of man who liked being in control of the situation and having answers to everything, down to the minimum detail. Why make it easier for him? She could keep him as frustrated as he made her feel. It was only fair.

“You’re really going to hold out on me?”

“I’m going for an air of mystery.” she flirted, “Is it working?”

“Mildly.”

Despite his best efforts, Ethan couldn’t help the smile that broke out into his face. It was hard not to respond in some way to the joyful expression on her face that made her eyes sparkle and turned her cheeks a lovely shade of soft pink. He caught himself after a few seconds, and looked away to compose the direction of his thoughts.

Jillian hadn’t noticed any of this, too occupied staring at the machine to avoid focusing on the handsome attending in front of her. It was then that she saw there were still 50 cents left over from Ethan’s dollar. She turned and pressed the numbers in the machine, and took the chocolate bar he was previously eyeing from the tray.

“And who is that for?”

“You.” Jillian tossed him the chocolate bar. He grabbed it with ease, but with raised eyebrows and a confused expression on his face, “I saw you kept staring at it earlier. You know, it’s okay to treat yourself sometimes.” He looked down at the chocolate in his hands with surprise, not having expected her to be that considerate with him.

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

Jill turned to walk away, “See you around, Doctor Ramsey.”

“Wait.” he stopped her and motioned for the book, “Give it here.”

He took Landry’s copy of Diagnostic Principles and turned to the nurses’ station to look for a pen to sign it. However, Jillian wasn’t the only observant person in the room. With just one look at the condition of the book, Ethan knew it wasn’t hers. He didn’t know her personally, but Jillian looked like the kind of perfectionist who would never highlight or write in a book, the kind of person who would take care of a book as if it was the most valuable possession and have it in perfect condition. That book in his hands had a lot of markers and scribbles, some pages were folded, and part of the cover was peeled off. It definitely didn’t look like her book. So, he signed the first page of the book, but additionally took a post-it from the nurses’ station and scrawled a quick message on it for her, before he returned and tossed the book back to her.

“Now get back to work, Valentine.”

That made her stop in her tracks, her honey-colored eyes wide in shock, “You remembered my name?”

“Just paying attention.” he threw back at her with a smirk before walking off.

Jillian opened the book in curiosity and read Ethan’s inscription on the post-it.

‘For my biggest fan. Don’t let me down. ~Dr. Ethan Ramsey.’

A bright smile lit up her whole face, and she quickly took the post-it and put it in her pocket, before returning to Landry and showing him the book.

“You’re still alive!” he shrieked in surprise, “And… I can’t believe it, you got my copy signed! I absolutely love it.”

Landry charged forward and squeezed Jillian in an awkward hug, causing her to flinch in discomfort and pat his back a couple of times before pulling away.

“Okay, yeah, you’re welcome…” she tried to smile politely and make up an excuse, “Come on. I’m getting paged and, I don’t know about you, but I’m still completely lost…”

“Yeah, let’s go.”

Tags: @jamespotterthefirst, @missflashgeek, @openheart12, @takeharryandgo, @aestheticartsx, @choicesfanaf, @fireycookie, @the-pale-goddess, @drariellevalentine, @trappedinfanfiction, @tsrookie, @perriewinklenerdie, @genevievemd, @drethanramslay, @openheartthot, @lucy-268, @writinghereandthere, @rookie-ramsey, @missmiimiie, @ramseyandrys, @ruinedbypixels, @queencarb, @lovingramsey, @gryffindordaughterofathena, @ohchoices, @anntoldst0ries, @bluebellot, @schnitzelbutterfingers, @mysticaurathings, @iemcpbchoices, @itsjustamesshonestly, @shanzay44, @lsdw-blog, @liaromancewriter, @heauxplesslydevoted

[skepticbeliever-bookclub]

Welcome once again to the weekly read post! This week, the book club got together to read a fic about roommates, broken ankles, and swimming pools. Now, I know what you’re thinking, but there is only one (1) reference to Rear Window, and it’s a good one. 

This fic, a prize for rotten judgement by sarcasticfishes is, in one word, stellar. In several more words, the book club was thrilled by the characterizations, by the lovely hurt/comfort vibes and by the author’s phenomenal prescience about the effects of isolation. 

Rating: Explicit

Summary:  “You’d drive each other crazy. You sit together at your office all day, and then you’d be commuting home together, eating dinner together, watching TV together, going to bed — well, not together, but you get it, right?”

It doesn’t sound so awful to Shane. There are worse people he could be spending all his hours with than Ryan Bergara.

Book Club Thoughts: 

it was a really fun twist on both "they're living together" and "they're dependent on one another". the best possible combo: a deliberate choice with some stress-inducing implications, and a little bit of a situational power imbalance!

What I love most about this fic (aside from Protective!Shane and the general hurt/comfort) is the insight into Shane’s inner world. Sometimes the real Shane reacts to things in strange ways, but here everything makes sense because you understand where he’s coming from and it’s all out of love for Ryan

i think ryan wanting to learn how to cook for shane really settled warmly inside of me as i was reading, bc im not one to be in the kitchen voluntarily, but knowing he enjoys it bc it was something they could sit and consume together when it was all done

i wanna add that it's really all the little ways in which both of them care for the other through the story, like ryan driving for shane so he won't get stressed, and the foot wrapping so ryan can swim again, that keep building up the domesticity and it's so wonderful and i love it a lot.

This fic just makes me ache with it's mutual pining and heavy denial

i fucking adore this fic and I always manage to slightly forget how much until I reread it and then I'm like pump it directly into my bloodstream

i quite like it when fics take these two dudes who are by their own account almost pathologically non-confrontational and just pushes their buttons with external circumstances until they blow up

i loved the emphasis throughout on how they are both comfortable being vulnerable with each other

So much of their friendship was in there. That chemistry that just makes them work. It’s so extra satisfying because for the first time in a long time this period of Not Rightness had been hanging over them. The sex is cathartic to read

i also loved the bookends of the opening and closing scenes, because like they said, while things have changed they actually havent changed all that much, which i think is really the shyan thesis statement? like, they’re the same, just with smooching and a hundred percent more sex

WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN US FOR OUR NEXT DISCUSSION? CHECK OUT THE FAQ, AND SEND US AN ASK! IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR FIC RECS, PLEASE CHECK OUT OUR READS, NOMINEES AND BOOK CLUB REC LISTS!

[mittensmorgul]

A lot of people keep saying that 15x20 was Chuck's ending, but... it wasn't? All of Chuck's endings had Sam and Dean sacrificing themselves or one another or otherwise "going down swinging", but what we saw instead was a random accident. No fanfare, no blaze of glory or sacrifice of any kind, no "epic tragedy". Kind of like getting poisoned by a bad taco. Unless Chuck just got fed up with the story and, taking notes from Gabriel, wrote a nonsensical boring ending purely out of spite.

It was Chuck’s ending in that if he’d actually been defeated, Sam and Dean would’ve been free. They were not. One still died “so the other could live,” and the finale even cancelled that bit with the Sam Wig Montage and having him end up dead, too.

For all the nightmare scenarios Chuck showed them, for all the “one brother murders the other” prompting he gave Sam, that was never the true core of his story. It was always about one sibling dying/being removed from the story so that the other could control the entire narrative. That was his original story with Amara. That was the “justification” he sought through every retelling of all his greatest hits. That was ultimately the story that “won” in Supernatural.

I’ve now been discussing this with some kind folks on discord, and we’ve gone down about a million tangents... but I have a few links to meta written on the subject I’ll provide as a result. But first, a short diversion into my own contribution to this conversation:

Recall how it seemed obvious that Dabb's authorial self-insert character was Billie. How from her intro she was both the character most intent on finding Balance in the universe AND had a Final Antagonist coding to her, in that she was the End Of Their Story in a very literal way. [12:55 PM] (I am going somewhere with this, I swear) [12:56 PM] Then she was shown in her library, with the myriad possible deaths Dean could suffer, and we wondered why he had so many books with so many different endings especially when the books could "rewrite" themselves as people lived and made choices that altered their fate. [12:59 PM] Chuck's hand-- even if he couldn't "read" those books himself or mess with them directly-- could "write" so may potential endings for Dean that would all have to be accounted for by Fate. Cosmically gaming the system by making it impossible for Dean to make ANY choice that wouldn't be accounted for somewhere. Which is the hamster wheel Dean described of never actually having lived his own life... [1:02 PM] But this is now making me furious. Because Billie was supposed to be the END of the story. Dabb was supposed to finally CLOSE the book of fate, having mended the imbalance of the universe. But like Billie, who Chuck disliked for "meddling" in his story despite her meddling being entirely focused on repairing the ever-worsening cosmic imbalance his story was creating, Dabb was sort of growing desperate toward the end. He slipped up. His plan to kill God was ALWAYS doomed to fail (because the network forbade it... it was NEVER going to happen, EVER, and loads of US knew that and it left me completely side-eyeing Billie's whole plan with Jack, because I KNEW it could never happen that way... yet Dabb kept driving the bus in that direction despite us all knowing it had to fail, that they would not be allowed to kill God in primetime network tv...) [1:03 PM] And that was Billie's downfall... because "the plan" was doomed to fail. [1:03 PM] And that was also Dabb's downfall, but he held the authorial intent to keep making it seem like a possibility, to his own detriment. [1:04 PM] Once Billie's plan failed, and she was sucked into the empty with Cas, all that was left was Chuck As Author.

I've been thinking of Billie's downfall as a sort of Winchester Derangement Syndrome, [1:05 PM]

There is zero doubt in me that Chuck was the ultimate winner.

But like... secondary derangement as a side effect of her position in the cosmos as the balance point of life and death, and the absolute Chaos Vacuum generated around the Winchesters by Chuck's constant meddling.

but at the end we learn it was ALL CHUCK. The Winchesters wanted to retire from fucking with cosmic forces! They never wanted that AT ALL. That's what Chuck wanted them to play with, though, so kept setting scenarios where they would have "no other choice" but to run headlong into another cosmic battle

every time they mentioned the toes in the sand, or any hint at wanting anything outside of hunting and cosmic disasters, it was a red flag that Chuck was about to step in with a new Hammurabi-Gun-Level fuckery [1:11 PM]

(pardon the timestamps from discord, I’m too lazy to delete them all)

(we’re now discussing how Becky actually was the best writer in the show, how Chuck couldn’t take criticism from her AT ALL and his only reaction to her being literally RIGHT about it being an awful story was to snap her out of existence... so like... makes the ending even that much worse, that it looked like he surface-level stole a few snippets of Becky’s preferred story-- doing laundry and talking to each other-- but then dismissed all that and flipped to Chuck’s preferred narrative of bringing on the monsters. Pointlessly, hopelessly. It’s like a sad, emotionless pantomime of the sort of story Becky would’ve told. But Becky recognized her issues and sought out therapy. Chuck... never would, and never did.)

(lol we’re now serving up fresh shattered glass in the discord server)

There is no explanation for this finale aside from “Chuck’s story won in the end.” He was vindicated by it. It functions as a “moral justification through parallel” of his own actions-- fridging Amara to maintain full control of the narrative.

And now those links I promised... a tumblr post on monsters in Supernatural:

https://trisscar368.tumblr.com/post/638157515063951360/of-villains-and-monsters-and-the-tragedy-of

and a post on AO3 (too long for tumblr, about 7k words about Death In Supernatural... even if you’re not up for a read that long, scroll down toward the end and at LEAST read the tl;dr of the finale segment of the essay)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28831941

Sorry if this is a bit incoherent. I’ve been tabbing back and forth on this for like an hour now, in abject frustration over it all. If you’d like clarification on any point I attempted to make here, I invite further questions. But short of writing a thesis-length treatise, I don’t know if I can possibly explain it all more concisely than this ^^

[safeandtuckedaway]

Is it possible to like anything? Mixed thoughts on morality, turning a blind eye and "The Matrix"

I care a lot about media, and communication. As a guy that has some issues talking about exactly how he's feeling and has low social energy, things like shows, movies and books were a lot more important and relevant to my formative years than interaction with other people – not that I didn't have friends on my teen years, I did, just. Well, a lot of stuff to consider at that time that is irrelevant to this stream of consciousness. Something that I also care about is the message said media brings, and how that is inherently linked to who wrote, or directed the piece of media. This brings question to some of the internet's most infamously discussions: is it "ok" to like something made by someone that does very questionable decisions? I honestly don't have a definitive answer for that. More often than not, this kind of discussion feels to me to be in a vacuum in the internet, or of less politically inclined people. There are good articles out there, but they never seem to demand you not watch something, but to make people reflect on the bad writing, direction or production something got. Which I think is the way to go. Most of what I read and watch of radical left doesn't even mention such an issue with representation and how it should be completely isolated and burned to the ground, as I'm afraid they're more concerned with some more "tangible" problems, like the rise of imperialism, neoliberalism and fascism and imperialist and neoliberal feminism as a tool to maintain the capitalist system, often times built by people of color and resources from the "Southern" countries, and maintained cleaned and pristine by women of color (VERGÈS, 2019)¹.

I'm just a guy in his mid twenties with a degree in graphic design and a thesis in communication design. I didn't study political science in university. So I think I can do my part by talking about communication, then. Also I will try not to pull info out of my ass.

As some people might know from now, Matrix "4" Resurrections' trailer launched this week, and with that, some people were kind to remind past's fuck ups of Lana Wachowski regarding race in many of her works, like Sense8, Speed Racer and Cloud Atlas. Listen, I can't ignore the fact that the decisions made in these films are in the very least, questionable and distastful, specially regarding Asian people. Also she really out there rocking dreads, which I'm not even gonna get into, as I think it's already very well established why that's not a good look for white people. I only watched maybe one episode of Sense8, but this article here sums up pretty well what's weird about it. It also brings a good message by the end.

So, can you like anything without being morally crushed by what you know is right? Can you enjoy a piece of media that is flawed by the creator's White Gaze/Straight Gaze/Cisgender Gaze? I admit I have a hard time dealing with feelings of morality. It feels rather individual and super subjective on most accounts, and doesn't leave out (ironically?) a lot of nuance for different cultures and practices in the world. I wanna talk about that more in the future. Either way, about media, I'm of the opinion that you can enjoy those things if you wish to. Fuck it. Make it your own. Be critical of what you consume, as most things we do are made under the wing of big corporations owned by people that don't care about us, if we need screen time or actually be portrayed as a human being.

If anything, I would like to plead that people pay more attention to the independent side of media creation, if possible. The internet has its advantages in that regard. Don't lock yourself in on Netflix and [insert other streaming services here] and its desperately neoliberal vision of queer people. It's hard, but there's many POC and LGBTQIA+ folks that work hard to bring better stories for people just like them. Look for POC that make books and short films and documentaries. By comparison, it will be easy to spot how flawed The White Gaze makes when telling a story.

I'm gonna talk a little about The Matrix (1999) below, so I'm gonna do one of those fancy "Keep reading" right now.

So, I re-watched The Matrix (1999) yesterday and found the plot with Cypher turning against the other members of the Resistance as a pretty good analogy of what most people live their lives currently, under capitalism and overconsumption: Willing to throw your group under the bus, to literally destroy the remains of human existence that are still left, for the comfort of being blissfully ignorant. "I wanna be rich, and someone important, like an actor", he said to Agent Smith, that probably wouldn't fucking do that even if the plan did the way they wanted to. I like to believe it was the greed of the few that brought down humanity by their own creation in the Matrix universe, but unfortunately that is not brought up, in that case, bring in that "humanity" as a whole did it. There's another scene, when Agent Smith is alone with Morpheus, where he monologues about how "humanity" is a "cancer" for the Earth, for "abusing all the resources from an area and have no way to survive but to move to another area". This again shows the lack of perspective from The Wachowskis, blaming humans, that have existed for thousands of years, for the environmental atrocities that capitalism, that has only existed for a couple hundred years, has caused to the planet.

Like I said, it is okay to like things that can be questionable. I like this slip that the character Cypher is. He is the embodiment of a lot of issues and he is inherently opposite of our "good guys" characters in Matrix. I can still be critical of their lack of eyesight on what – and who – is really killing the planet, and their very distasteful idea of going post-racial when the fact is that race still very much matters.

¹ VERGÈS, FRANÇOISE, Decolonial Feminism. 2019

[africanicequeen]

Prologue

Forever Hunting © 2019, Tanya Maxine Maseko

This is purely a work of fiction.

Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved. This book or parts thereof may not be reproduced in any form, stored in any retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means -electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise- without prior written permission of the author, Tanya Maxine Maseko, herself.

Enjoy...

Word count: 1k

Rating: 16+

Genre: Supernatural Romance

Tags: dark fantasy, vampires, witches, love, friendship, romance, angst

Warnings: talk of blood, lust, immortality, use of sharp object, kidnapping and main character being held hostage by unhinged woman

Song choice: Lana Del Rey ~ Serial Killer

Never could I ever have imagined this for myself. Being stuck and quite literally tied down to a messy situation is one way you could have described the catastrophe I got tangled in.

So many thoughts were rushing through my head but nothing could tear my eyes away from her. 

The madwoman, sitting comfortably on the worn out couch across from me, was peeling away at the skin of the nectarine in her pale hands. The sharp and zesty smell of the fruit filled the air as she mindlessly tossed the peels to the floor; only managing to make me more aware of the fact that I was clothed in the absolute bare minimum, a large graphic T-shirt and borrowed silk boxers.

She ran her perfectly manicured fingers through her short and shaggy strawberry blonde mullet before fixing her tight white latex dress and tapping her neon pink Crocs on the floor. 

I refrained from openly judging the obviously puzzling outfit choice, remembering how she didn't take well to being 'looked at funny'. 

The bruise blossoming on my jaw was a clear testament to her temperament.

"How about we read?" she asked, as if I had some kind of option other than being here.

I worked on keeping my mouth shut and tried to ignore the chilling goose bumps rising all over my skin. It was clear what she wanted out of this, how this would all end on her account and she was actually enjoying herself.

She smiled, reaching for the black binder book next to her, continuing the so-called conversation in a normal chatty tone, "This is a little story I read just the other day. Apparently, you personally know the author. He was an old friend of yours if I'm not mistaken."

I frowned slightly, thrown off by her strange statement. 

What the hell was she on about now?

She flipped through a bunch of pages and proceeded to clear her throat, "'These creatures have visibly large incisors that are sharp enough to pierce and penetrate the skin of any living being, albeit animals or humans alike. The hidden creatures that live among us, creatures that have been rumored to walk like human beings and converse just as easily as us, if not at a much greater pace than we could ever understand. Lastly, although these creatures look exactly like humans, they seem to be possessed and driven by much, much darker forces. Namely things such as blood, lust, power, immortality and on rare occasions, royalty, are to be blamed for incidents in the past. They are to be feared, respected and acknowledged.' What rubbish does this man tumble around in that mind of his? Oh, I am so sorry, correction for the mistake is done. I'm sure plans are being made for him as we speak."

My eyes widened, then I stopped tugging at the rope that held my wrists bound to the back of the chair. 

Done, as in, she has already murdered him or is planning to...

The room seemed to spin for a while as she whispered the rest of the thesis to herself, or me, I couldn't tell. What I could tell, however, was that the pounding in my head grew more frequent and harsher the more I heard her. 

I mean, yes, we knew she was a tad bit off but this had to be a whole other criterion of insanity and as far as she's concerned, all was well. The realization of what exactly it is she's been doing was soaking in, causing the tightening feeling of the thick scratchy rope on my irritated skin to worsen. 

She got up from the couch, book in one hand and the other hidden behind her back and a wicked smile on her face still, making her way towards where I was forcibly sat. 

My eyes remained watching her every movement, unwillingly glued to her by captivity and mystery. Yet, I was fighting the itch to wrap my hands around her neck and do my worst. To somehow put an end to whatever was driving her to do this. 

"Vampires are the first thing that comes to mind when humans hear such twisted words. It's always said that vampires are not to be associated with anything good in this world. Rubbish! We deserve to rule it and be worshipped while we're at it!" her voice seemed to echo throughout the room. Suddenly, she raised her hand from behind her back to reveal what she's been hiding: a large sharp diamond drill bit. "You've been ruining lives for quite some time now and it's time to pay your dues."

Sunlight from the nearby window shone through and cast a glow on her seemingly perfect hair, as though she had a halo set atop her head. Making her look like an angel, whilst she was silently planning my execution. 

You could practically hear the killer anticipation in her voice, "How has it come to this, my dear Khalida? You sitting there and me standing here."

"Since I do seem to be the one held up here, as you pointed out earlier, I was hoping you could tell me..." I replied with sarcasm, raising my brow.

She loudly tapped the tip of the drill bit on the back of my shoulder after my rather dry response. 

"I hate sarcasm as much as I hate your entire existence. You know I guess now I know I should have finished you off while you were still brittle and human. We wouldn't be here right now." she sneered at me, fangs on display, venom dripping from her every word, "I was counting on you dying that fateful night, although you can bet this little adventure was fun as hell. Watching you be all confused and angry really got me going. Now, close your eyes, this might just hurt."

Even though she managed to not only nearly kill every single one of us, she couldn't have been more wrong.

How did I know?

She couldn't hurt us anymore than she already has.

Next

[cheri-translates]

[CN] Idle Chat with Shaw

🍒 Warning: This post contains detailed spoilers for a feature which has not been released in English servers! 🍒

The CN server was recently graced with a new feature called 随便聊聊 (“Idle Chat”), where you can select a mood and talk to the love interests about work, life, and studies :>

Idle Chat with: Gavin / Kiro / Lucien / Victor

[ WORK - Topic 1: Overtime ]

1. Mood: Happy

MC: I don’t have to work overtime today! No overtime! I really don’t-- have-- overtime!

Shaw: I can sense your noisiness from your words.

Shaw: Since you want to kick up a racket

Shaw: Come watch our performance. You can scream and shout all you want.

-

2. Mood: Upset

MC: I read a news article today which said that the more one does overtime work, the more efficiency goes down. I think what it says makes sense...

Shaw: It’s supposed to

Shaw: You’re not a robot

Shaw: Why are you always making yourself live like clockwork?

-

3. Mood: Angry

MC: I have to work overtime again and again. Why are there so many things to do every day? My life has already taken the shape of overtime!!

Shaw: Mm, this is your ninth day of overtime this month

Shaw: It’s really quite a lot

Shaw: What time are you busy until? I’ll see if I’d be near your office at that time.

-

[ WORK - Topic 2: Income ]

1. Mood: Happy

MC: I finally got my pay! My shopping cart can finally be tidied up. I plan to get ALL colours of the spray paint you mentioned the last time.

Shaw: ...are you usually such a squanderer? 

Shaw: I think you should get two basic colours to practise your skills

Shaw: When it comes to graffiti, it’s not as if the more gaudy the colours are, the better it looks.

-

2. Mood: Upset

MC: The case I’ve been handling recently started off with an interesting concept. After changing it, it seems to have sunk into mediocrity. I feel perplexed.

Shaw: What’s there to feel perplexed about

Shaw: Haven’t you already found the answer

Shaw: Since you know it’s mediocre, don’t be satisfied with mediocrity. 

-

3. Mood: Angry

MC: There was something I really wanted to buy, so I waited till my payday to reserve it. In the end, it has a higher price now!!

Shaw: If it’s something I really want

Shaw: I’ll buy it directly

Shaw: The more you delay, the further it’d go from you.

-

[ WORK - Topic 3: Program Progress ]

1. Mood: Happy

MC: My colleagues and I completed an incredibly perfect proposal! Everything will be fine once it gets approved!

Shaw: No wonder you’ve been telling me that you’re busy these days when I ask you out to have fun

Shaw: I’ll let you rest at home these two days

Shaw: Your time after that has been reserved by me.

-

2. Mood: Upset

MC: Every time it’s the end of the month, I’d start counting down to payday. Or else I’ll have no motivation to work at all...

Shaw: It’s so boring to countdown to payday,

Shaw: Countdown to something else

Shaw: For example, that there are only three more hours till you get to see me. 

-

3. Mood: Angry

MC: I suspect the other party is doing this on purpose. The program is almost about to be approved and now it got delayed by half a month! I’m never working with that company again!

Shaw: Since there’s still half a month

Shaw: Why spend half a month angry

Shaw: Let’s go, I’ll take you to do something that’d not make you angry.

-

[ WORK - Topic 4: Program Results ]

1. Mood: Happy

MC: Didn’t expect that this program would be so uncomplicated! I even thought I’d have to work overtime over the weekend, but I no longer have to. I’ll come find you at Live House over the weekend!

Shaw: Not bad, your other party is finally behaving.

Shaw: But I won’t be around this weekend

Shaw: Find me in the library

-

2. Mood: Upset

MC: This program is finally over. I don’t have much of a desire to participate in the celebratory feast. I just feel that I’m finally free!

Shaw: Don’t celebrate that program

Shaw: Come join my band’s celebratory feast.

-

3. Mood: Angry

MC: I took out a 50 cent coin to “assassinate” the other party. The other party is not only fussy, but also dares to lag behind in payment!

Shaw: He’s already behind in payment

Shaw: And you’re still hounding him for 50 cents?

Shaw: biu--

Shaw: All right, I’ve “assassinated” him already.

[Note] “biu” is meant to represent the sound of a bullet flying by!

🦈

[ LIFE - Topic 1: Losing Weight ]

1. Mood: Happy

MC: The weight loss methods I collected were actually really useful. I’ve finally slimmed down by quite a lot! I can wear new clothes to the music festival now!

Shaw: You haven’t been drinking cola or milk tea recently

Shaw: Because of this?

Shaw: That outfit you prepared - even without losing weight, you’d still look pretty good in it.

-

2. Mood: Upset

MC: Why haven’t I slimmed down even after trying so many methods...

Shaw: Watching you change methods to lose weight is pretty interesting

Shaw: Feels like I can write a thesis based on Pi Li Pa La

[Note] “Pi Li Pa La” (噼里啪啦) is one of Shaw’s nicknames for MC

-

3. Mood: Angry

MC: I. Put. On. Weight. Again.

Shaw: All

Shaw: The

Shaw: Best

Shaw: In

Shaw: Losing

Shaw: Weight

-

[ LIFE - Topic 2: Meals ]

1. Mood: Happy

MC: Today, I discovered a small stall along the street! It’s very delicious!! I think you’ll also like the taste

Shaw: I haven’t even eaten it

Shaw: How do you know that it’s a taste I like?

Shaw: Arrange a timing, we’ll go together.

-

2. Mood: Upset

MC: I visited a hotpot stall which is famous on the internet. It ended up being pretty much the same as the stall I usually go to...

Shaw: These stalls are all the same

Shaw: Focused on sales, and don’t create new flavours

Shaw: Next time, I’ll take to a hotpot place - that one can be called delicious.

-

3. Mood: Angry

MC: I went for hotpot today. In the end, the chilli oil splattered onto my clothes... It was a new outfit I just bought - I’m so mad!

Shaw: ...

Shaw: Are you stupid? Next time, wear an apron when you eat.

Shaw: So how did the hotpot taste?

-

[ LIFE - Topic 3: Reading ]

1. Mood: Happy

MC: Yesterday, I chanced upon an especially good fiction book. I ended up being too engrossed in it, so it was daytime by the time I lifted my head...

Shaw: Sure.

Shaw: The “staying up late” champion goes to you

Shaw: I’ll be forced to take second place for a day.

-

2. Mood: Upset

MC: I recently read a fiction book. The author kept writing about eating, sleeping, and building a garden... And she could actually write over 2000 pages worth of such day-to-day accounts??

Shaw: ...

Shaw: I have a new understanding of how bored you can be.

-

3. Mood: Angry

MC: I just finished a book and am so angry that I’m turning uneasily on the bed!! The protagonist was in a piteous state from beginning to the end. In the end, the antagonist got away scot-free!

Shaw: Ah, I’ve read that book

Shaw: In the second book, the protagonist counterattacks

Shaw: ...does this count as spoiling the plot?

-

[ LIFE - Topic 4: Games ]

1. Mood: Happy

MC: Hahahaha! I defeated the boss in that wrestling game you mentioned. You won’t dare to look down on me now, right?

Shaw: ...

Shaw: You’ve already showed off on SNS, and now you’re specially sending me the news to show off again

Shaw: Looks like you really feel a sense of accomplishment.

Shaw: Fine, I’ll commend you.

-

2. Mood: Upset

MC: I haven’t been able to find any fun games recently... Feels like they keep following the same pattern. It makes me want to start playing old games that I’ve already completed...

Shaw: Since you can’t find any fun electronic games

Shaw: Why not come out and have fun with me? You can even train your body.

-

3. Mood: Angry

MC: When I played games today, I bumped into an annoying teammate. His standard was obviously average, but he kept blaming others for mistakes!

Shaw: Do you remember his ID?

Shaw: Send it over

Shaw: I’ll go meet him.

🦈

[ SCHOOL - Topic 1: Progress ]

1. Mood: Happy

MC: This time, I’ve given myself sufficient time to prepare! My study plan is also set. From this weekend onwards, I’ll be in the library with you.

Shaw: You really want to come with me?

Shaw: Would you be sleeping in the library like the last time?

-

2. Mood: Upset

MC: It’s not that I don’t want to study, but many things keep disrupting my studies. Actually, I really want to study...

Shaw: Just admit it

Shaw: You’re just not in the mood to study

Shaw: Want me to come over to help you change your mood into a studying one?

-

3. Mood: Angry

MC: Even after reading the analysis, I can’t understand what it’s saying at all. I can’t study any more. I really want to become a salted fish swimming around in the ocean...

Shaw: A friendly hint

Shaw: Salted fish are dried fish, so they can’t swim

Shaw: If you want things to turn for the better, you could ask me for help.

[Note] Shaw’s uses an idiom in the final line, “咸鱼翻身” ( “xian you fan shen”), which directly translates to “salted fish turning over”. It’s a metaphor for a person who experiences a reversal of fortunes!

-

[ SCHOOL - Topic 2: Homework ]

1. Mood: Happy

MC: I breezed past the questions today! And I kept an hour free to practice the skateboard. Didn’t you say you wanted to teach me a new move?

Shaw: One hour isn’t enough to teach a new move

Shaw: It’s easy to fall if you practice it too quickly

Shaw: First, go to the location and let me see the results of your previous practice

-

2. Mood: Upset

MC: I keep thinking that I’ve turned into an emotionless robot that goes through questions. I can’t find even a bit of passion in studying. Anyway, does studying even require passion...

Shaw: You’re asking me such questions? Seriously?

Shaw: My response is

Shaw: You don’t need it in studying, but you need it if you’re seeking knowledge.

-

3. Mood: Angry

MC: I can’t finish it... I already have many things to do in the morning, and still have to rush my homework at night. It’s not like I possess three heads and six arms!

Shaw: Even though you don’t possess three head and six arms

Shaw: If you add the both of us together, there’ll be two heads and four arms

Shaw: I won’t do your homework, but call me if you need anything else.

[Note] “Three has and six arms” is a direct translation from an idiom, 三头六臂 (“san you liu bi”). It refers to someone who possess superhuman abilities

-

[ SCHOOL - Topic 3: Pre-exam Revision ]

1. Mood: Happy

MC: I just did a self-test and feel like the examination questions aren’t that difficult. Didn’t expect that the method you taught me on how to have a productive revision would be so effective!

Shaw: Of course my method is useful

Shaw: How else could I make it into Loveland University?

Shaw: After your exam tomorrow, remember to call me.

-

2. Mood: Upset

MC: Does re-doing questions again count as revision... But no one can guarantee that these questions wouldn’t appear in the exam...

Shaw: It’s always better to do it than not to

Shaw: As the old saying goes, “Review the old and know the new”

Shaw: Start with the “review”.

-

3. Mood: Angry

MC: I think the teacher has something against me. He said he wouldn’t test the parts that I already revised! How could he do this!

Shaw: It means you don’t know how to identify the essentials. Learn this from me.

Shaw: I can always guess the examinable areas

Shaw: The Old Man even asked if I secretly peeked at his teaching materials.

-

[ SCHOOL - Topic 4: Post-exam celebration ]

1. Mood: Happy

MC: I’ve reached Live House. Where are you? Aren’t we celebrating how I’m finally free from the abyss of exams?

Shaw: Five minutes.

Shaw: I brought a cake

Shaw: Since it’s a celebration, it should be more official.

-

2. Mood: Upset

MC: The exam is over. I’m free. As for the results, I’m not going to think about it. I actually feel a little empty...

Shaw: ...who was the one who wanted my help in comparing answers before the exam?

Shaw: You dared to waste my time, so wait for my punishment. 

-

3. Mood: Angry

MC: I compared answers with someone. I felt a chill. The important thing is that I wrote the correct answer for that final question. But my fingers itched and I changed it to the wrong answer ahhh!

Shaw: Since you’re wrong, why continue thinking about it?

Shaw: Let’s go

Shaw: I’ll take you to a place where you can let off steam.

[st-just]

Barely coherent rambling about nation-states, culture, the Hapsburgs, and Canada

Because why have a blog except to occasionally purge one of the essays floating around half-formed in your brain. To be clear, it’s still half-formed, just on tumblr now. 1,666 words, here’s the Deveraux essay mentioned. Book is Martyn Rady’s The Hapsburgs: To Rule The World

So I’ve had like, nationalism on my mind recently.

And so there’s a kind of recurring beat in left-of-centre American political discourse (like, not ‘internet rnados screaming at each other’ discourse, ‘people with doctorates or think tank positions having debates on podcasts or exchanging op eds’ discourse) where you have some people on the radical end list some of the various horrible atrocities the country is built on, the ways that all the national myths are lies, and how all the saints of the civic religion were monsters to one degree or another – this can come in a flavor of either righteous anger or, like, intellectual sport. And then on the other end you have the, well, Matt Yglesiases of the world. Who don’t really argue any of the points of fact, but do kind of roll their eyes at the whole exercise and say that sure, but Mom and Apple Pie and the American Way are still popular, and if you’re trying to win power in a democracy telling the majority of the population that their most cherished beliefs are both stupid and evil isn’t a great move.

Anyway, a couple weeks back Deveraux posted an essay for the 4th of July (which I don’t totally buy, but is an interesting read) about why the reason American nationalism is so intensely bundled up into a couple pieces of paper and maybe a dozen personalities is precisely because it isn’t a nation at all. Basically, his thesis is that in proper nation-states like England or the Netherlands or wherever, there really is a core population that is the overwhelming demographic majority and really have lived in more or less the same places since time immemorial, and that once the enthographers and mythologists finish their work, all those people really do identify with both the same nation and the same state as its expression. America, by contrast, is by virtue of being a settler nation whose citizenry was filled by waves of immigrants from all the ass ends of Eurasia in a historical eyeblink, even before you add in the native population and descendants of slaves lacks any single core ethnicity that is anywhere close to a majority, as well as any organic national traditions or claims to an ‘ancestral homeland’ that aren’t obviously absurd (and we are trying to include the descendents of slaves and the native population these days, to varying levels of success). All this to say that his point is America is a civic state, not a national one, with the identity of ‘American’ being divorced from ethnicity and instead tied to things like the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, the whole cult around the Founding Fathers, Lincoln, and [FDR and/or Reagan depending on your politics].

Which, like I said, don’t totally buy, but interesting. (to a degree he overstates how homogenus ‘actual’ nation-states are, he makes America sound very special but if his analysis holds that it’d presumably also apply to several other former settler colonies, in the American context there’s a fairly solid case to be made that the whole ‘nation of immigrants’ story and the racial identity of whiteness were constructed to function as an erratz national ethnicity, with incredible success, etc, etc).

But anyway, if we accept that the American identity is bound up in its civic religion and the mythologized version of its political history, it’s absolutely the case that there’s several segments of the left who take incredibly joy in tearing said civic religion and national mythology apart and dragging whatever’s left through the mud. I mean, hell, I do! (reminder: any politician whose ever had a statue dedicated to them was probably a monster). And, well, call it a greater awareness of historical crimes and injustice, or the postmodern disdain for idols and systems leaking out through the increasingly college-educated populace, or the liquid acid of modernity dissolving away all unchosen identities, or a Marxist cabal undermining the national spirit to pave the way for the Revolution or whatever you like, but in whichever case, that critical discourse is certainly much more prominent and influential among left and liberal media and politics types that is was in decades past.

And, okay, so I finished Martyn Rady’s The Hapsburgs a few days ago. And I mentioned as I was reading it that the chapters on the 19th and 20th centuries reminded me quite a bit of courses I’d taken in school on the late Ottoman Empire and Soviet Union. Because all three are multi/non-national states (Empires, in Deveraux’s terminology, though that’s varying degrees of questionable for each, I think. Moreso for the Hapsburgs than the rest) who outlasted their own ideological legitimacy. And in all three cases it just, well, it didn’t not matter, but even as all the ceremonies got more absurd and farcical  and the politics more consumed by inertia punctuated with crises, things kept limping along just fine for decades. Even in the face of intense crisis, dissolution wasn’t inevitable. (The Ottomans are a less central example here, admittedly, precisely because of the late attempt to recenter the empire on Turkish nationalism. But even then, more Arab soldiers fought for the Sultan-Caliph than ever did for the Hashemites, and most prewar Arab nationalism was either purely cultural or imagined the Empire reformed into a binational federation, not dissolved).

But as Rady says in the book – losing WW1 crippled Germany, it dissolved Austria-Hungary. And in all three cases, as soon as they were gone, the idea of bringing them back instantly became at least a bit absurd.

And okay, to now pivot to talking about where I actually live but about whose politics I (shamefully) know significantly less than America’s. I mean, maybe it’s because most of my history education from public school was given by either pinko commies or liberals still high off ‘90s one-world universalism, or maybe it’s just a matter of social class, but I really can’t remember ever having taken the whole wannabe civic religion of Canada seriously (the only even serious attempt at sacredness I recall was for Remembrance Day). Even today, the main things I remember about our Founding Father is that he was an alcoholic who lost power in a railroad corruption scandal.

Really, in all my experience the only unifying threads of national/particular Canadian identity are a flag, a healthcare system, those Canadian Heritage Minute propaganda ads, a bill of rights from the ‘60s, and an overpowering sense of polite smugness towards the States.

And that last one (or, at least, the generally rose-colored ‘Canada is the good one’ view of history) is taking something of a beating, on account of all the mass graves really rubbing the public’s noses in the whole genocide thing. At least among big segments of the intellectual and activist classes, most of the symbols of Canadian nationhood are necessarily becoming illegitimate as Canada is, in fact, a project of genocidal settle colonialism.

But it really is just purely symbolic. Most of the municipalities who cancelled their Canada Day celebrations are going to elect Liberal MPs and help give our Natural Governing Party its majority in the next election, no one of any significance has actually challenged the authority of the civil service or the courts. And, frankly, most of the people who are loudly skeptical of all the symbols of the nations are also the ones whose political projects most heavily rely on an efficient and powerful state bureaucracy to carry out.

(This is leaving aside Quebec, which very much does have a live national identity insofar as the vigorous protection of national symbols is what wins provincial elections. If I felt like doing research and/or reaching more there’s probably something there on how pro-independence sentiment has largely simmered down at a pace with the decline of attempts to impose a national Canadian identity).

I mean, Canada does have rather more of a base for a ‘national’ population core than the US (especially if you’re generous and count the people who mark French on the census as a core population as well). At the same time, no one really expects this to continue to be the case – even back in Junior High, I remember one of the hand outs we got explaining that due to declining fertility most or all future population growth would come from immigration (I remember being confused when my mother was weirdly uncomfortable with the idea when it came up). I suppose our government gets credit for managing public opinion such that anti-immigration backlash hasn’t taken over the political conversation. Which you’d think would be a low bar but, well.

But anyway, to try and begin wrapping this rambling mess up – it does rather feel like Rady’s portrayal of the late Hapsburg empire might have a few passing similarities to the future of Canada. A multinational state whose constitution and political system and built on foundations and legitimized by history that no one actually believes in anymore, or at least no more than they have to pretend to to justify the positions they hold, but persisting because it’s convenient and it’s there and any alternatives are really only going to seem practical after a complete economic collapse or apocalyptic war. (Though our civil service is a Josephist’s dream by comparison, really.)

Or maybe I’m premature, and the dominant culture will just be incredibly effective at assimilating immigrants into that civic identity. Anecdotally, the only people I know who are at all enthusiastic about Canada as an idea are first generation immigrants. I could certainly just be projecting, really – I’ve never really been able to get all that invested in the nation-state as an idea of more moral power than ‘a convenient administrative division of humanity’, and certainly liberating ourselves form the need to defend the past would certainly rectifying certain injustices easier.  

Or maybe I’m just being incredibly optimistic. Half the economy’s resource extraction and the other half’s real estate, so decent odds the entire place just literally goes up in flames over the next few decades. BC’s already well on its way.

[morwensteelsheen]

I’m starting grad school this autumn and honestly I’m getting nervous. Like yes I am v excited about the whole prospect overall and I do miss being a student but am intimidated by 3 hr long seminars and thesis writing and massive amounts of reading… everyone keeps saying it’s gonna be very different from undergrad so okay, but how specifically? Is it the large amounts of reading? I already had insane amounts of reading (humanities degree hurrah) especially in my last two years but could you expound on your own experience and how you take notes/read quickly/summarize or just how to deal with first time grad students?

Oh, yeah for sure! A necessary disclaimer here is that I'm at a certain poncy English institution that is noted for being very bad at communicating with its students and very bad at treating its postgrad students like human beings, so a lot of these strategies I've picked up will be overkill for anyone who has the good sense to go somewhere not profoundly evil lol.

So I'll just preface this by saying that I am a very poor student in terms of doing what you're supposed to. I'm very bad at taking notes, I never learned how to do it properly, and I really, really struggle with reading dense literature. That said, I'm probably (hopefully?) going to get through this dumb degree just fine. Also — my programme is a research MPhil, not taught, so it's a teensy bit more airy-fairy in terms of structure. I had two classes in Michaelmas term, both were once a week for two hours each; two in Lent, one was two hours weekly, the other two hours biweekly; and no classes at all in Easter. I also have no exam component, I was/am assessed entirely on three essays (accounting for 30% of my overall mark) and my dissertation (the remaining 70%), which is, I think, a little different to how some other programmes are. I think even some of the other MPhils here are more strenuous than that, like Econ and Soc Hist is like 100% dissertation? Anyways, not super important, but knowing what you're getting marked on is important. I dedicated considerably less time than I did in undergrad to perfecting my coursework essays because they just don't hold as much weight now. The difference between a 68 and a 70 just wasn't worth the fuss for me, which helped keep me sane-ish.

The best advice anyone ever gave me was that, whereas an undergrad degree can kind of take over your life without it becoming a problem, you need to treat grad school like a job. That's not because it's more 'serious' or whatever, but because if you don't set a really strict schedule and keep to it, you'll burn yourself out and generally make your life miserable. Before I went back on my ADD meds at the end of Michaelmas term, I sat myself down at my desk and worked from 11sh to 1800ish every day. Now that I'm medicated, I do like 9:30-10ish to 1800-1900 (except for now that I'm crunching on my diss, where, because of my piss-poor time management skills I'm stuck doing, like, 9:30-22:30-23:00). If you do M-F 9-5, you'll be getting through an enormous amount of work and leaving yourself loads of time to still be a human being on the edges. That'll be the difference between becoming a postgrad zombie and a person who did postgrad. I am a postgrad zombie. You do not want to be like me.

The 'work' element of your days can really vary. It's not like I was actually consistently reading for all that time — my brain would have literally melted right out of my ears — but it was about setting the routine and the expectation of dedicating a certain, consistent and routinized period of time for focusing on the degree work every day. My attention span, even when I'm medicated, is garbage, so I would usually read for two or three hours, then either work on the more practical elements of essay planning, answer emails, or plot out the early stages of my research.

In the first term/semester/whatever, lots of people who are planning on going right into a PhD take the time to set up their applications and proposals. I fully intended on doing a PhD right after the MPhil, but the funding as an international student trying to deal with the pandemic proved super problematic, and I realised that the toll it was taking on my mental health was just so not worth it, so I've chosen to postpone a few years. You'll feel a big ol' amount of pressure to go into a PhD during your first time. Unless you're super committed to doing it, just try and tune it out as much as you can. There's absolutely nothing wrong with taking a year (or two, or three, or ten) out, especially given the insane conditions we're all operating under right now.

I'll be honest with you, I was a phenomenally lazy undergrad. It was only by the grace of god and being a hard-headed Marxist that I managed to pull out a first at the eleventh hour. So the difference between UG and PG has been quite stark for me. I've actually had to do the reading this year, not just because they're more specialised and relevant to my research or whatever, but because, unlike in UG, the people in the programme are here because they're genuinely interested (and not because it's an economic necessity) and they don't want to waste their time listening to people who haven't done the reading.

I am also a really bad reader. Maybe it's partially the ADD + dyslexia, but mostly it's because I just haven't practiced it and never put in the requisite effort to learn how to do it properly. My two big pointers here are learning how to skim, and learning how to prioritise your reading.

This OpenU primer on skimming is a bit condescending in its simplicity, but it gets the point across well. You're going to want to skim oh, say, 90% of the reading you're assigned. This is not me encouraging you to be lazy, it's me being honest. Not every word of every published article or book is worth reading. The vast majority of them aren't. That doesn't mean the things that those texts are arguing for aren't worth reading, it just means that every stupid rhetorical flourish included by bored academics hoping for job security and/or funding and/or awards isn't worth your precious and scarce time. Make sure you get the main thrust of each text, make sure you pull out and note down one or two case studies and move right the hell on. There will be some authors whose writing will be excellent, and who you will want to read all of. Everything else gets skimmed.

Prioritisation is the other big thing. You're going to have shitty weeks, you're probably going to have lots of them. First off, you're going to need to forgive yourself for those now — everybody has them, yes, even the people who graduated with distinctions and go on to get lovely £100,000 AHRC scholarships. Acknowledge that there will be horrible weeks, accept it now, and then strategise for how to get ahead of them. My personal strategy is to plan out what I'm trying to get out of each course I take, and then focus only on the readings that relate to that topic.

I took a course in Lent term that dealt with race and empire in Britain between 1607 and 1900; I'm a researcher of the Scottish far left from 1968-present, so the overlap wasn't significant. But I decided from the very first day of the course that I was there to get a better grasp about the racial theories of capitalism and the role of racial othering in Britain's subjugation of Ireland. Those things are helpful to me because white supremacist capitalism comes up hourly in my work on the far left, and because the relationship of the Scottish far left to Ireland is extremely important to its self definition. On weeks when I couldn't handle anything else, I just read the texts related to that. And it was fine, I did fine, I got my stupid 2:1 on the final essay, and I came out of it not too burnt out to work on my dissertation.

Here is where I encourage you to learn from my mistakes: get yourself a decent group of people who you can have in depth conversations about the material with. I was an asshole who decided I didn't need to do that with any posh C*mbr*dge twats, and I have now condemned myself to babbling incomprehensible nonsense at my partner because I don't have anyone on my course to work through my ideas with. These degrees are best experienced when they're experienced socially. In recent years (accelerated by the pandemic, ofc), universities have de-emphasised the social component of postgrad work, largely to do with stupid, long-winded stuff related to postgrad union organising etc. It's a real shame because postgrads end up feeling quite socially isolated, and because they're not having these fun and challenging conversations, their work actually suffers in the long term. This is, and I cannot stress this enough, the biggest departure from undergrad. Even the 'weak links' or whatever judgemental nonsense are there because they want to be. That is going to be your biggest asset. Talk, talk, talk. Listen, listen, listen. Offer to proofread people's papers so you get a sense of how people are thinking about things, what sort of style they're writing in, what sources they're referring to. Be a sponge and a copycat (but don't get done for plagiarism, copy like this.) Also: ask questions that seem dumb. For each of your classes, ask your tutors/lecturers who they think the most important names in their discipline are. It sounds silly, but it's really helpful to know the intellectual landscape you're dealing with, and it means you know whose work you can go running to if you get lost or tangled up during essay or dissertation writing!

You should also be really honest about everything — another piece of advice that I didn't follow and am now suffering for. The people on your courses and in your cohort are there for the same reasons as you, have more or less the same qualifications as you, and are probably going to have a lot of the same questions and insecurities as you. If you hear an unfamiliar term being used in a seminar, just speak up and ask about it, because there're going to be loads of other people wondering too. But you should also cultivate quite a transparent relationship with your supervisor. I was really cagey and guarded with mine because my hella imposter syndrome told me she was gonna throw my ass out of the programme if I admitted to my problems. Turns out no, she wouldn't, and that actually she's been a super good advocate for me. If you feel your motivation slipping or if you feel like you're facing challenges you could do with a little extra support on, go right to your supervisor. Not only is that what they're there to do, they've also done this exact experience before and are going to be way more sympathetic and aware of the realities of it than, say, the uni counselling service or whatever.

Yeah so I gotta circle back to the notes thing... I really do not take notes. It's my worst habit. Here's an example of the notes I took for my most recent meeting with my supervisor (revising a chapter draft).

No sane person would ever look at these and think this is a system worth replicating lol. But the reason they work for me is because I also record (with permission) absolutely everything. My mobile is like 90% audio recordings of meetings and seminars lol. So these notes aren't 'good' notes, but they're effective for recalling major points in the audio recording so I can listen to what was said when I need to.

Sorry none of this is remotely organised because it's like 2330 here and my brain is so soft and mushy. I'm literally just writing things as I remember them.

Right, so: theory is a big thing. Lots of people cheap out on this and it's to their own detriment. You say you're doing humanities, and tbh, most of the theory involved on the humanities side of the bridge is interdisciplinary anyways, so I'm just gonna give you some recommendations. The big thing is to read these things and try to apply them to what you're writing about. This sounds so fucking condescending but getting, like, one or two good theoretical frameworks in your papers will actually put you leaps and bounds beyond the students around you and really improve your research when the time comes. Also: don't read any of these recommendations without first watching, like an intro youtube video or listening to a podcast. The purists will tell you that's the wrong way to do it, but I am a lazy person and lazy people always find the efficient ways to do things, so I will tell the purists to go right to hell.

Check out these impenetrable motherfuckers (just one or two will take your work from great to excellent, so don't feel obliged to dig into them all):

Karl Marx and Fredrich Engels (I'm not just pushing my politics, but also, I totally am) — don't fucking read Capital unless you're committed to it. Oh my god don't put yourself through that unless you really have to. Try, like, the 18th Brumaire of Louis Napoleon for the fun quotes, and Engels on the family.

Frantz Fanon — Wretched of the Earth. Black Skin White Masks also good, slightly more impossible to read

Benedict Anderson �� Imagined Communities. It's about nationalism, but you will be surprised at how applicable it is to... so many other topics

Judith Butler — she really sucks to read. I love her. But she sucks to read. If you do manage to read her though, your profs will love you because like 90% of the people who say they've read her are lying

Bourdieu — Distinction is good for a lot of things, but especially for introducing the idea of social and cultural capital. There's basically no humanities sub-discipline that can't run for miles on that alone.

Crenshaw — the genesis of intersectionality. But, like, actually read her, not the ingrates who came after her and defanged intersectionality into, like, rainbow bombs dropped over Gaza.

The other thing is that you should read for fun. My programme director was absolutely insistent that we all continue to read for pleasure while we did this degree, not just because it's good for destressing, but because keeping your cultural horizons open actually makes your writing better and more interesting. I literally read LOTR for the first time in, like February, and the difference in my writing and thinking from before and after is tangible, because not only did it give me something fun to think about when I was getting stressy, but it also opened up lots of fun avenues for thought that weren't there before. I read LOTR and wanted to find out more about English Catholics in WWI, and lo and behold something I read about it totally changed how I did my dissertation work. Or, like, a girl on my course who read the Odyssey over Christmas Break and then started asking loads of questions about the role of narrative creation in the archival material she was using. It was seriously such a good edict from our director.

Also, oh my god, if you do nothing else, please take this bit seriously: forgive yourself for the bad days. The pressure in postgrad is fucking unreal. Nobody, nobody is operating at 100% 100% of the time. If you aim for 60% for 80% of the time and only actually achieve 40% for 60% of the time, you will still be doing really fucking well. Don't beat yourself up unnecessarily. Don't make yourself feel bad because you're not churning out publishable material every single day. Some days you just need to lie on the couch, order takeout, and watch 12 hours of Jeopardy or whatever, and I promise you that that is a good and worthwhile thing to do. You don't learn and grow without rest, so forgive yourself for the moments and days of unplanned rest, and forgive yourself for when you don't score as highly as you want to, and forgive yourself when you say stupid things in class or don't do all of (or any of) the class reading.

Uhhhh I think I'm starting to lose the plot a bit now. Honestly, just ping me whatever questions you have and I'm happy to answer them. There's a chance I'll be slower to respond over the next few days because my dissertation is due in a week (holy fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) but I will definitely respond. And honestly, no question is too dumb lol. I wish I'd been able to ask someone about things like what citation management software is best or how to set up a desk for maximum efficiency or whatever, but I was a scaredy-cat about it and didn't. So yeah, ask away and I will totally answer.