#i also had to spend a lotta time pretending he was hot so an ex friend didnt threaten to kill themselves so its like

[nedsseveredhead]

At the risk of sounding like a hater Solas's bald ass was my least favorite part of Inquis and when Inquis was over I was like "well thank god i never gotta see that guy again" and now hes some fuckin god who stole my arm and the whole next game thats been teased for the past 6 years is entirely about him like this is my own personal hell

[whatcouldgowrong-ohthat]

Hurts to be Human: Chapter Two

You guys are awesome. I love that you’re enjoying the story. :) Shoutout to @songforhema

Here’s: Prologue, Chapter One

Warnings: Fluff, bit of soft Bucky, lotta cussing, but that’s about it

Below: That, but with Miss H.D.

Also! Meet H.D.!

Chapter Two - Can We Pretend?

It had only taken an hour for Y/N to drop her bag off and in her room and get her cat set up. Immediately she made her way to the conference room, her mind not completely in the mood to catch up with the two men- not now at least. No, now was not the time for that or to focus on how much Bucky had changed. The only thought she allowed herself was that he looked good. Better than good actually. He looked fucking hot as hell. Why hadn’t he cut his hair sooner? He looked happy…maybe he’s seeing someone. They’re probably an Enhanced or something, someone he can connect with in a way I couldn’t understand. Or maybe it’s someone from Wakanda. He always loved it there. Knowing Sam, he’s probably tried setting Buck up on more than a few blind dates… Fuck me, I never should’ve stepped on the jet. No, better than that — I should’ve kicked Fury out of my apartment when I had the chance.

“Y/N?”

She looked up, Sharon pulling her out of her thoughts. “Sorry,” she murmured, taking the folder out of the agent’s hands. She dropped it on the table, flipping it open and scanning the pages. Clippings from newspapers and magazines were now littered in front of her as Sharon pulled up videos on the hologram in front of them, making her lean forward in interest. Moments where the boys were playing hero, following instructions, trying to live up to the standard people like Steve and Tony had set in stone. “Jesus,” she murmured, watching as the boys had destroyed a plant. She didn’t know what the mission was, but was sure Sam and Bucky wouldn’t have — Her thoughts were disrupted by the video’s creator appearing, bashing on the heroes. They went on to say that they had risked countless lives and forced workers to lose their jobs. There were heavy implications that they were arrogant, childish, and had no idea what they were doing.

And that was just one video.

“Fuck, Sharon, how did it get to this point?” She glimpsed at the images from the other videos, noticing that, though the stories weren’t the same, the reactions were similar to one another. Everyone was retaliating.

“Did you hear about London?”

Running a hand through her hair, Y/N knew only what Fury had told her. “This is because of that Quentin guy?”

“It’s a domino effect, Y/N. He was supposed to be a new Avenger, somebody to replace Stark.”

“Yeah, he took advantage of Pete’s naivety.”

Sharon sighed, knowing the woman sitting across from her was getting frustrated. Y/N was always one to defend the Avengers, but most protective of her boys. “The thing is, now people are concerned because Peter’s way too young. And then our government thinks we’re trying to replace Steve —“

“Which we aren’t.”

“—Exactly. We know that, but they’re in denial about it. You know how they can get…” The reminder of the Accords hung in the air, but neither of them wanted to remember the gruesome details that came from it. Now, with Thanos having appeared not long after, the Accords were child’s play. What made the memory sting after all this time was the falling out that had happened. If Thanos hadn’t come, the unanswered question was whether the Avengers ever would have come together again. “Then you have people like Wanda and Strange who are just intense and then…well, then there’s Bucky’s history.” She noticed how Y/N tensed, knowing Bucky was still going to be a sensitive subject.

“So the plan?” There was always a plan. Fury gave her the basic ideas, but she needed to know and understand what Sharon’s thoughts were and how she wanted to go about this. Fury might have left the two of them in charge of Sam’s and Bucky’s shenanigans, but in moments like this, Sharon was always the one in charge. Always.

“We need to keep Bucky and Sam on the down low while we make sure there isn’t a repeat of the Accords. The last thing we need is for them to try and step into a field they have no understanding of.” Looking at the videos, she added, “We also need to do damage control. Something that shows Bucky is a changed man. You’d be proud of him, Y/N. He’s come a long way. As for Sam — the government is mostly concerned about his role, but if we can get the people to approve of him, they can’t fight all of it.”

Y/N grimaced, rubbing her temples. Keep Bucky and Sam on the down low while also getting them in a controlled spotlight. She blatantly ignored Fury's constant (it seemed) updates about Bucky. Bucky and Sam. That was why she was here while Sharon handled the hell that was America’s government. Why did she get the feeling that the ‘maintaining the boys’ part of the job wouldn’t be as easy as it could be? “Do they know about any of this?” she asked, gesturing to the media.

“Bits and pieces. Sam likes teasing the trolls, but doesn’t get much farther than that. Bucky? Well, he’s an old man still struggling to fully grasp how far technology and the media has come.”

Hesitating, Y/N wasn’t sure she wanted to know the answer as she asked, “Do either of them know about this scheme? About my part in it?”

“Not yet.”

“Sharon!”

“Well —“

“What, were you waiting for me to break the news to them?” She saw the hopeful glint in Sharon’s eyes and groaned. “I just got here, Sharon!”

“Exactly! I have to deal with them all the time! Do you know how many times I’ve had to confiscate Redwing from Sam? Or put the two of them in time out? Come on, Y/N, I need a break.”

Letting out a small huff, strands of her hair flew into the air for a brief moment before falling back to frame her face. “Fine.” She could handle two ridiculous, overgrown children. It was just Sam and Bucky, just two of her old friends. Sam and Bucky. That’s it. It’s just Sam and Bucky. Just her best friend and ex boyfriend.

Fuck, she shouldn’t have gotten on the jet.

Glancing at the papers, she knew in that moment she shouldn’t have even left work.

———

The living room was quiet that afternoon, something that had become more than normal since most of the Avengers decided they wanted to spend their free time pursuing “normal lives”. For Bucky, it was actually a relief. He had gotten better with people and talking, but that didn’t mean he still liked being the life of the party. That was the old Bucky, the guy from the forties that didn’t exist anymore. Pieces of him did, sure, but the rest of him? That was something else. For instance, something Sam had noticed about the man was that Bucky didn’t like sitting anywhere like a normal human being. If he was on a kitchen chair, he sat facing the back, straddling the seat. If he was in something fluffier and more comfortable? Trust Barnes to sit on the arm with his legs outstretched and resting on the other side, the actual seat left cold and forgotten. As for couches? He sprawled out, completely outstretched with one leg usually thrown over the back.

And that’s where he was in this moment.

He held his journal above him, scribbling away thoughts and notes he knew Doc would want to know about Y/N’s appearance. There would be questions regarding whether Bucky was processing it okay, if he was functioning with something so new and yet so personal. That being said, he hoped there would’t be questions about his emotions. He didn’t feel anything for Y/N anymore. That was a long time ago and, with the way things ended, he knew Y/N didn’t feel anything for him either. o

So why was he still thinking about that smile? Or the way her eyes seemed particularly endless when she held his gaze?

“Fuck,” he muttered, running a hand over his face before pinching the corners of his eyes. He had to stop overthinking this. Y/N was back for work. That’s why Fury was the one who brought her in. If she wanted to come back on her own, she would have. She was stubborn and a pain in the ass. There was no one that could talk her out of a bad idea, no matter how bad. Not even herself.

“Meow.”

Bucky jumped when he heard the small noise so painfully close to his face, the couch groaning underneath his weight. He dropped the journal and pen on his chest and opened his eyes, brow furrowing. Sitting on the arm of the couch, staring down at him, was Y/N’s cat. What did she say its name was? “Hello there,” he murmured, voice soft as the small feline blinked slowly, tilting its head.

He had never felt so judged in his life.

Reaching up with his flesh hand, he was careful to let the animal approach him first. The last thing he wanted was for it to decide he was an enemy and make use of those tiny talons. “Aw,” he said, his low voice seeming to calm the cat down. “You aren’t so bad, are you?” Bucky chuckled as the cat eyed his fingers warily before pressing its forehead against his knuckles. “God, I wish I remembered your name.”

The cat jumped, landing on his chest with an almost impossibly delicate pounce. He tried to stay still, laughing when the cat went out of its way to knock off his journal and pen before circling his chest in search of a particular spot. Finicky little thing she was, but she seemed to like how warm he was, purring in content when his laugh turned into a low rumble. His fingers continued to delicately stroke her fur as she started needing the small indent between his pecs. Once she decided it was just right, she curled up to face him, tail wrapping around her face. The black half of her fur was curled into his chest as he gently stroked her ear. Her purring was interrupted by a small meow of appreciation and it felt like his heart melted. The little thing was so tiny, so delicate, and yet didn’t shy away from him. Instead she claimed him as a spot to nap.

“Sorry about her.”

Bucky looked up, surprised when he saw Y/N standing in the doorway of the room. She was leaning against the frame, arms crossed as she stared at the feline. He shook his head and turned his gaze back to the pet, assuring Y/N, “It’s no big deal. She’s adorable.”

“She normally doesn’t warm up to people, but apparently super soldiers and agents are an exception to the rule.”

Bucky laughed, resting his head on the arm of the couch. “What’s her name?” His cheeks warmed and he knew he was blushing. “I didn’t mean to forget, I just —“

“No biggie,” she assured him, walking around the couch. “H.D. Short for Harvey Dent because of that two face thing she has going on.”

“It’s adorable.” Y/N smiled, sitting on the floor next to him.  Her shoulder brushed his metal arm and he was all too aware, noticing that she didn’t flinch.

She didn’t flinch. Y/N had been on the receiving end of multiple moments when Bucky’s nightmares had woken him up and turned him into the man HYDRA had molded. While it hadn’t been something that bothered her initially, insisting she was okay, it took them moving in together and things getting worse for her to start flinching if the arm seemed more a threat than an appendage.

Glancing at her, Bucky couldn’t help the excitement that bubbled in his chest. She had to be doing better if she didn’t mind his arm being so close to her. A part of him wondered what she had been up to. How had her life been different? Did she miss the Avengers? Or the pranks she used to play on Scott and Sam?

Did she miss him?

He looked back at H.D. Yeah, Doc might have reason to ask about old emotions. But until then, he would happily play with H.D. and enjoy Y/N’s presence. There was nothing wrong with that, right? “You met with Sharon earlier?”

“Yeah, she told me what her plan was and how I’m going to be helping.”

Bucky frowned. There was a plan? There was a mission that required bringing Y/N back? Why didn’t he or Sam know? “Well, what is it?”

She paused, the fingers that had joined Bucky’s in providing H.D. with endless affection seemed to twitch. Y/N wasn’t sure if this was the moment to tell him. Shouldn’t she wait until she could tell him and Sam at the same time? Wasn’t that the 'mature leader' thing to do? Jeez, I suck at this. Sharon really did leave her high and dry. “It can wait. I’d rather tell you and Sam at the same time if that’s okay.”

“Come on, you used to tell me all the shit before,” he joked, not looking at her. But his words meant more than skin deep little tease. It was something they had always done, sharing missions and information with each other even if it wasn’t their business to know. It was more often than not that they debriefed each other before anyone else learned anything in the team meetings. And usually those debriefings were Y/N keeping Bucky in the loop only because she didn’t want him worrying about her.

“Buck, don’t.” Her tone was a warning. He didn’t need to bring up their past. Not after all this time. But that was the thing! Seeing her like this, seeing her look so content? It didn’t seem like a long time. It felt like things had merely been on pause while they got their shit together.

Okay, never mind, Doc had plenty reason to ask about old emotions.

“Don’t what?” He feigned innocence, hoping he sounded more the part than he actually looked.

“Don’t bring up old memories.” She glanced at him, allowing herself a small smile. God, all Bucky wanted was to see her beaming again, looking happy and like nothing could hurt her. “I mean, come on, it was a long time ago. There’s no reason to bring up old bullshit when we’re different people now.” Even as she said it, Y/N couldn’t bring herself to fully believe the words coming out of her mouth. A part of her wanted to talk about old memories, the good and the bad. She wanted to ask how he was doing, if he was doing as good as she was, and what the hell made him cut his hair.

But it wasn’t her place. She had no ties to James Buchanan Barnes or any of his choices.

Bucky didn’t know what to think as he stared at H.D., a part of him wanting to pester Y/N about the questions running through his head and the other simply hurt that she was building this wall between them. Sure, they had a past and it didn’t end well. It sucked ass in all honesty, but four years is a lot of time. They could be friends, couldn’t they? At the very least?

“So what is this going to be?” he asked absentmindedly, not even registering that he’d been the one to ask.

“Coworkers?”

He snorted, looking at her. “That sounds extremely formal.”

Quickly, Y/N shifted her gaze back to the cat. Nope, she could not look at the abyss that was Bucky’s impossibly blue eyes. They broke through everything, tore down her progress and brought out a nasty side of her. At least, that was the case four years ago.

Could things between them really change?

“What would you suggest then?”

She wasn’t taking the conversation seriously from the sounds of it. Her tone made her seem disinterested and it cut Bucky down. God, had they really fallen so far from when they first met? When they’d “accidentally” bump into each other in the middle of the night to make coffee and watch Disney movies all while raiding Sam’s and Clint’s chocolate stash? Even being friends, going back to that, would be infinitely better than the idea of coworkers. They knew each other too well to take that many steps back. He’d never pressure her into a relationship, of course he wouldn’t, but at the very least…

Was it too much to ask for his friend back?

“Can try friends?”

His voice was soft, wary because he didn’t want to push her. Y/N allowed herself to smile at the idea of that. Friends was a possibility. Right? She sighed to herself, not entirely sure she could keep a platonic relationship with the man beside her. She knew what it was like to kiss him. She knew what his lips tasted like and had seen the shade of blue that burned with undeniable need and lust. She had felt what it was like to feel utterly whole by making love to him. Not only that, but Y/N knew what it was like for him to hold her into the wee hours of the morning. She knew what it was like to not simply fuck, but actually love, James Buchanan Barnes. She knew him. How could she be a friend, and a good one at that, when those details were no longer secrets or ideas she could leave to an overly active imagination?

“I guess,” she hesitated, her brow furrowing.

He noticed. “What is it, Y/N?” It had taken every muscle in his body to not follow the instinct of calling her ‘doll’, but he’d managed, wanting to keep her comfortable. Still, not using the nickname left a bad aftertaste in his mouth.

“Can,” she took a slow breath. “Can we try something? To make being friends easier?”

Bucky raised an eyebrow, not sure if he wanted to hear what her request was, but he knew that this was what was needed to bring Y/N back into his life. He wanted to get to know her again, get to meet this Y/N. He wanted to know her likes and dislikes, what all had changed, and if she was anything like the spunky woman he’d first come to fall for. However, learning all of that meant he had to follow her lead. “What’s that?”

“Can we pretend?” She hesitated. It sounded odd even on her own tongue, but she had to ask. “Can we pretend that our past doesn’t exist? Can we just start over?”

His stomach clenched, his chest rising in a slightly abrupt way that made H.D. wake from her slumber. Instinctively he reached out to pet the feline, regretting waking her. Clearing his throat, he asked, “That’s what you want?” To forget everything? He couldn’t bring himself to ask the full question, simply asking what he knew wouldn’t scare her off.

There was a pause. For a moment Bucky hoped that maybe she was backtracking, second guessing her idea and realizing they couldn’t wipe away all that history. Seriously, she couldn’t possibly think this was a good idea.

“Yes.”

Okay, maybe she could. That didn’t mean he had to agree with her. Even so, this was what she wanted. He had to respect that, whether he liked it or not. But damn, did he hate it. Nodding slowly, he looked at her and offered that famous Bucky grin that showed her everything was perfectly fine. He could work with that. Definitely.

Bucky could ignore the way her eyes sparkled or the way he heard her heartbeat quicken when he looked at her. He could ignore the way he could smell her hair from here and how, if he angled his head right, he could get a glimpse down her shirt. He could forget their rocky yet completely memorable history. This was supposed to be a fresh start. That posed smile turned into one a little more genuine as he thought about that. It was a complete fresh start.

Maybe that really could work.

“You got it. If that’s what you want, we can pretend.”

[atlantias]

date #2 of 2017

so i saw the 22 year old TA again from this story and it was actually one of the best dates i ever had. we spent a long time together so get ready for it lol

he planned on taking me to this cove right by the ocean to show me the night sky with all the stars and the moon in all their glory and he was obsessing over the sky being just perfect with minimal clouds

so i drive to his house n im not as nervous as i was from the first story. he invites me in and i sit in his kitchen as he makes a smoothie lmaooo it was actually kinda grody....spinach, kale, mango flavored fish oil, and blueberries was the combination. he got me to try it and i was lowkey disgusted and he laughed a lot at my reaction lol. i learned he was just casually reading a book of war poetry by WWI poets and i was like shit dude ur intelligent...

i told him i didn’t eat dinner and that i was gna eat mcdonalds (i remember from the last date that he didn’t enjoy mcdonalds) and he actually was down to go! as we drove on the way there we talked more music n stuff and he let me look at his music and i got to choose the songs!! he and i like the same shit! blink 182, the killers (my fav), flume, joywave, old fall out boy, etc. also come to find out he likes one of my FAV SONGS EVERRR (i actually found it on tumblr 23858 years ago here and i had never met anyone else who knew about the song). he and i sang it together n i felt so happy. he’s super into films and we bonded over how we liked the inclusion of alfred hitchcock’s psycho into the song.

so we eat our mcdonalds n blast music and we decide to watch bates motel (neither of us had seen it) because it related to psycho lol. he and i cuddled on the couch and after a couple of episodes we took a break and i actually MET HIS MOM????? his mom was pretty and very sweet. she asked me about myself and was very inviting and kind. i was so surprised to meet his mom..... and i was surprised by how comfortable i felt. it was a nice contrast from experiences with my ex in which i freaked out about meeting his family weeks in advance and i didn’t feel comfortable during the introductions when i finally met them. 

at one point we ran out to his car and he drove to the cove but unfortunately it was so cloudy you couldn’t see anything. however, we did walk out a little bit to hear the ocean and i smiled up at the moon thanking the moon for being there for everything n for giving me these rly nice moments ill remember forever. i thanked the moon for sharing this contentment with me. he also showed me some of his fav places in the town growing up, mostly places he smoked weed lmao

when we got back to his house, we kept watching bates motel and honestly he reminds me of freddie highmore from bates motel bc they’re both a lil quirky and nerdy and totally dorky. he even mentioned how he is like freddie highmore “when it comes to things like this” right before he turned my head to kiss me :) then we just started making out and at one point he just laid his head down on me as i was stroking his hair and rubbing his back and it was genuinely one of the most calming experiences ever. he told me my hair smells good and i confessed that he smells good everywhere lol. i apologized for blue balling him at one point and he told me it was totally fine and didn’t make me feel bad about being on my period. he told me he was falling asleep on me and so we ended up going up to his bedroom. he gave me an oversized t shirt he brought back from college with the word "fargo” (the capital of north dakota) on it, the place his mom his from.

up in his bedroom we cuddle, and i notice how neatly i fit into his arms and intertwined with his body. it’s not uncomfortable, it’s not too hot, our bones don’t hurt each other, and our breathing is in sync. our heartbeats are straight up the same rate. he smells really good too. he smells like a home. we started making out more and for a second time i apologized for blue balling him. he told me not to worry about it because he knew there was a chance we wouldn’t have sex and he was okay with it bc he still wanted to hang out with me. we talked a lil in the dark (where i feel the most safest) and we talked about our relationships with our parents and our families and our struggles as divorced kids. 

in the morning at 7:30, i noticed he got up and left and didn’t come back to bed. i rolled over and he had left me a note on his pillow next to me apologizing about the indigestion he got from the blueberries from his smoothie the night before. he wrote “feel free to wake me up if you rise before me” LOL. it was cute. i wanted to spend more time with him, so i headed down to his basement where he was sleeping on the couch. i asked him if he had to get up at a certain time in the morning and he said no, so i ended up canceling my work, lying about a car problem. he welcomed me on the couch, tucking me in under the covers, but 2 minutes later i told him he could come back up to bed. 

we cuddled more in bed, i didn’t really let him sleep lol and we talked more. he asked me about my favorite books and we talked about our friends and china and just random topics. we stayed in bed for 3 more hours haha :) we made out a couple more times too and he told me he likes my icy cold feet. he keeps me warm n i smile a lot when im with him :) i felt super comfortable with him, we were able to banter. at one point i said “i like hanging out with you” really softly and he went “what?” and i repeated it just a bit louder and he said “what?” again but then said “im kidding, i like hanging out with you too” and i got pretend mad at him by turning my back to him and telling him he’s an asshole and it was cute. he told me we fit together like puzzle pieces and i was like wow is he a real human being???? this is so random but i taught him a lil about periods (he’s an only child n never learned about these things) 

fast forward, we go to a diner that i had always wanted to go to! and he pays! wow! we talk about random shit like fav movies and school and food. i dared him to eat an entire gob of botter and to chug the small glass of maple syrup; both of which he did, and i gagged each time. we also went to whole foods (my first time going) and he bought me green tea and mango mochi! at one point it was so cold that i coughed all the powder from the mochi all over myself, my phone, and his car and he laughed so hard. on the drive back to his house, i asked if i could play a song, and i played one of my fav songs, lonely lullabies by kweku collins, and he said he really liked it ahhh!!

before we parted ways, he kissed me briefly and then hugged me (picking me up ugh). i made him promise that he wouldn’t watch bates motel without me. we pinky promised and he kisses the pinky which is something i do and it made me so happy :) then he texted me later saying “that was a whole lotta fun. we should do that again soon” 

summary n notes: i like that he keeps his eyes closed when we kiss. he keeps them squeezed shut. i rly like him as a human being, he’s interesting and he’s interested in me ? confused. im kinda nervous bc our universities are 1.5 hours away from each other. his mom asked how far away our schools were when we met and he randomly asked me if i had a car at college. i rly rly do like him but i dont know what he wants or what i even want. also back at college i have a fwb that i get along with rly well as a person n this sounds so selfish but i don’t want to cut my fwb out of my life either. i have only one more week of break so i hope i see him again :)