#i also have zero emails in my inbox for the same reason

[monstermoviedean]

revealing myself as a zero tab freak ☺️

[olderthannetfic]

Having more fandom friends around my age/mindset (context: late 30s, rare fandoms, reads some nsfw but not the type to post about it a lot in my main account) might be nice. I ignored the fandom part of myself a long time due to my RL friends being shitty about it (I dumped the worst of them) and I'm trying to enjoy it more.

But I keep leaving comments on fic and art and don't get any reply, let alone a conversation or follow. When I do get a response, the person stops posting fic in that fandom shortly afterwards. In an earlier more active fandom, I would send requests to people (clearly open for requests!) and 99% of the time I'd be ignored, or they'd draw the request at a level clearly before their usual stuff then delete it because they didn't like it (their words).

I'm not writing anything inappropriate or critical? I try to make my comments more interesting than 'i love this write more thx', maybe they get too confusing and off-putting to read? It certainly isn't because my ship is too weird because even non-shippers ship my current OTP lmao

I am trying to be realistic about it, maybe they aren't replying because they don't have the energy, or they have a life and they can't reply to the comment immediately and forget to, or they moved on, or they think I'm a tit which is totally fine?

The issue is it keeps happening, it's depressing, and the follows I do get are people in the same fandom who only like the parts I'm not invested in at all, have really tired takes and are significantly younger to the point I'm concerned about looking like a creep if I interact with them at 100% of my full power. It feels very much like I'm wishing on a monkey paw.

I have a very small number of friends I can talk to about fandom stuff I will cling onto with both hands. I just wish there were more. This is mainly me venting but if anyone has any suggestions feel free.

--

Hmm... Well, I share your suspicion that if you're the common factor, you're at least somewhat contributing to this situation. It may not be that you're offputting but that you inherently like things most other fans don't like—not just rare ships but also rarer tropes.

Or it may not be rarity exactly but prompt style: while tons of people love found family and slice of life, a lot of prompts for those are so generic and boring that they inspire exactly zero new plotbunnies. Meanwhile filthy kink is not for everyone but often has the seeds of a specific fic in a prompt, so if you do like it, those prompts are super inspiring.

A lot of people are pretty terrible at responding to comments. I'm extremely hit or miss on AO3 myself. I'll respond to a zillion things on tumblr before I remember to actually answer comments on AO3. Partly, it's that I get said comments in my email inbox, not on AO3 itself, so I read them and appreciate them but am not in the space where I'd respond right at that moment.

Sadly, people making one fanwork and moving on just comes with the territory when you're in rare fandoms. It's much easier to make friends who like to vid Asian dramas or who are learning a language for fandomy reasons or who are doing fandom historical preservation than friends who share your exact current taste in blorbos and who will continue to do so.

In my case, I love rare things, but I also love to move from fandom to fandom rapidly, and I find it really stressful to have friends who end up resenting that.

I tend to befriend fans whose overall vibe I find compatible more than people I share ships with: people who will probably be in fandom for life, people who are loud and proud about it, people who are interested in fandom history and pan-fandom meta. I also tend to be drawn to accounts that are not only horny on main but horny for kinky shit that draws haters. It does a wonderful job of weeding out the whiny children and finding me fans with a spine. Hilariously, one of my closest offline fandom friends with whom I share the most character opinions doesn't even like sex scenes. But that's not somebody I'd have gotten to know online.

It's going to vary for the people you're approaching, but that may be one reason they're not as enticed by the sight of another fan of their current rare fandom: they may have totally different types of criteria for fandom friends.

It's hard to know how much of the problem is you without examining your internet presence more, but I get why going "here's my account, plz critique" is not attractive. This ask seems fine. No particular writing style red flags jump out at me.

I've definitely known people who were dicks about my tumblr popularity and wanted to know why I didn't reblog them... but it turns out they interacted with me only once every six months so I don't remember them or their tumblr is entirely shitposts or their writing style is incoherent or they sound angry all the time.

One problem you may be running into is that findable fans in their 30s and 40s are self-selected for Fandom For Life types who already have a bunch of close fandom friends. They're likely doing a lot of socializing in private with people they've known for ages. I like to think of it as people with very full dance cards. They tend to be the most attractive because they're living happy, fulfilling lives, but that same quality makes them too busy. Meanwhile, people who are sad and alone and desperate for friends are often less visible and less compelling. If someone figured out how to connect with them, they'd be a great friend, but fewer people are trying.

It's not that every compatible late 30s fan is too busy for new friends. It's that the fans who are visible enough that you know they exist and know their approximate age are a very specific slice of overall fandom.

As fans age, some of their fandom friends leave fandom or die, so there can be periods where people are going "Shit, I need new friends!" later on, not just in college and such. But I'd say late 30s is a tough-ish period. A lot of people are busy with young kids and/or haven't lost their inner circles from younger years yet.

In general, a lot of my closer fandom friends aren't actually looking for new friends and haven't been in quite a while. Some don't even post publicly anymore. I'm something of an exception because I'm both extremely friendly and always on the lookout for minions to convince to go to Escapade con or take up the banner of fandom preservation yadda yadda. I have a vested interest in remaining open to new people.

Thoughts, everyone? Have you gone through friend-seeking and full dance card phases?

[survey--s]

533.

What can you smell right now?    My scented candle, which apparently smells like “smoked roses”.

What was the last thing you bought online?   A cooling blanket and some air freshener for my car.

If you drink coffee, when was the last time you went a day without having one?   Whenever I had that horrendous flu/bug thing - it must have been back in February, I think?

Do you have any appointments coming up?   I have two jobs to do in a couple of hours. I have to go and feed Monty and then pop in on Charley the cat.

Do you put appointments in your phone’s calendar app to remember them?   Yeah.

Will you be visiting anyone’s house in the next week or so?   Yeah, my job involves going in/out of people’s houses lol. I also see my in-laws most days as they look after the dog for us while we work.

Have you ever been to a petting zoo? What animals did you pet?   Yeah, loads of times - goats, lambs, pigs, calves, hamsters, rabbits, guinea pigs, chicks, ducklings - all sorts.

What was the last movie you saw in theatres?   I haven’t been to the movies since before COVID lol.

Do you know anyone who has done a PhD?   Yeah, quite a few people.

How many unread emails are in your inbox right now?   Zero, I check/delete my e-mails as they come in.

What four apps do you keep on the home bar on your iPhone? (Sorry, I’m not sure if Android has an equivalent!) Phone, Spotify, Safari, Messages.

Have you ever used Tumblr? Do you still use it today?   No, this is all a figment of your imagination.

Are you tired right now?   A little bit, but not full-on exhausted or anything like that.

What’s your favourite day of the week and why?   It depends on the week and what I have planned, but generally weekends are the best for obvious reasons lol.

How far away is the nearest major city?   About two hours away.

Do you own an electric kettle?   Sure.

Are your eyebrows wispy or bushy?   Both lol.

Have you ever lost your wallet or purse? Did you have to replace a bunch of things?   I’ve lost my bank card a few times but I just froze it via the app and ordered a new one.

Where are you right now? Describe the room or place to me.   I’m in the living room as it’s bloody roasting outside. There are windows at each end - the front door is at one end, the kitchen door at the other and the upstairs door on far left as you come in. The walls are painted a mix of red and grey, the carpets are grey and so is the sofa, with red blankets/cushions to match the walls. All the furniture is white. There are fairylights all around the room and a scented candle burning above the fireplace.

Do you prefer big dogs or small dogs?   Medium sized dogs - around 15-25kg is perfect for me. Anything bigger and they’re generally too strong for me to handle safely, and any smaller and they’re just not really my thing, I guess.

Are you good at understanding heavy accents? Which accents would you say you’re the best at understanding?   For the most part I manage fine. I guess British accents.

Have you ever played on a real life pinball machine, or just on the computer?   Both.

Do you have a lot of word documents or notes on your computer?   No, I don’t think there any saved on here actually.

What’s your favourite Ben & Jerry’s flavour?   I’m not a fan of Ben & Jerry’s anymore. I loved it as a teenager but now it all tastes really sweet and artificial,.

Have you ever been to a school reunion? How was it?   No, and I have no interest in going to one.

How many nights a week do you generally cook at home?   I eat at home pretty much every night but I don’t always cook.

What colour are the street signs in your neighbourhood? Are they the same all over town or do they vary?   Like, the signs with street names on them? White with black lettering. That’s the same everywhere in the UK.

Do you have good grammar and punctuation skills?   Yes.

Have you ever tried vegan chicken? Did you like it? Yeah, I used to love Quorn stuff but now it makes me sick lol.

[gallyg]

Metroid Prime 4 Wishlist

I recently got almost all of my wishes for Metroid Dread granted, so I figured I'd throw out my wishes for Metroid Prime 4 in hopes of repeating the magic.

Audio Lore

The #1 reason Metroid Prime works for me is the lore scans. It's an elegant way of fitting a LOT of story into an otherwise seamless experience, and for Metroid specifically it helps flesh out a fictional universe that is usually left feeling undercooked.

That said, BioShock did the same thing, and it's hard to understate how much being able to passively listen to lore during exploration helped smooth out the experience even more than Metroid Prime. I'm fine with there also being text lore, but for the most part needing to pause every time you wanted to read some lore felt like a compromise in Metroid Prime.

Why choose between a breezy gameplay experience and a deep lore dive when you can have both at the same time?

Metroid 6: Metroid Prime 4

I don't need another Metroid interquel in my life. Maybe I'll be shocked at the depth of the story they tell, but I'm just not excited about the idea of having another episodic one-off quest in between Zero Mission and Samus Returns. The Phazon saga was great, but it's been over for 14 years.

I'm open to the idea of a game set between Fusion and Dread. Maybe we could flesh out Samus and AI-Adam's relationship a bit more (since they only get on good terms at the end of Fusion and don't interact much in Dread). Definitely don't want anything between Other M and Fusion, though. Samus's depression arc is not where I want to have a swashbuckling Prime-style spinoff. And then of course Samus Returns, Super Metroid, and Other M all take place over like a week so there's not much room to fit in Prime 4 there.

What I really want, though, is to just keep pushing forward. Let's ride this momentum from Dread. I want to see the consequences of Samus's Spoiler-magnet awakening in the final moments of Dread. I think it would make for a great excuse to re-explore the Hyper Mode mechanic from Corruption and a great excuse to finally pull the trigger on the "shady galactic federation" plotline they've been edging us with for three decades.

Official Randomizer

You could just make a mode where the upgrades are shuffled around, but I think they may as well make a mode that shuffles around the major upgrades too. Even though I'd like more story elements than Metroid games typically have, I think Metroid's world design should be fundamentally flexible enough to support a mode where most of the event flags are ripped out and you get by purely on the game systems. I think this because fan randomizers already do this, but it'd be nice to not have to wait years and years to do it on an imperfect emulator or an account-jeopardizing console hack.

U-Mos and the Luminoth

This might seem like a weirdly specific wish, but I get a distinct vibe that Metroid Prime 2: Echoes is in danger of being relegated to the status of filler episode, and I don't want that. The mainline Metroid games are very meticulous in making sure every entry is impactful enough to remain relevant forever. The Prime games don't feel as focused.

Sure, Corruption had scant references to Aether, but aside from some Easter eggs in the lore scans, it feels like Echoes may as well not have happened in that game. If Corruption was the first time we were meeting Dark Samus, it wouldn't play out any differently.

And that's fine, but it seems to me that the Luminoth starting to rebuild themselves could be a minor plot point at least. Maybe have U-Mos acting as an ambassador to the Galactic Federation for Aether. Maybe have some sort of email inbox for Samus with messages from various surviving friends of hers throughout the series, and U-Mos checks in on her like a concerned uncle. The exact implementation doesn't matter too much.

The Luminoth are too cool to fade into obscurity. They transcend the "Chozo-lite" they could have been and really cemented their own identity in just one game. But like, they're also Chozo-lite, and I think there's an interesting story there. In a way, Samus and the Luminoth are the same. They're both children of the Chozo, and I'd like to see Samus and U-Mos bond over this fact. Maybe we could even slip another genetic splice for Samus in there.

At Least One (1) Enemy I Need to Bounce Shots Off A Locked Door To Defeat And Some Puzzles With Similar Mechanics

I had hours of dumb fun shooting locked doors with the wrong weapon on purpose in every Metroid Prime game, and I especially loved trying to hit stuff with the rebound shot. I think it sucks that this was never required for even an optional puzzle.

Imagine there's an enemy who can turn faster than you can strafe who is only vulnerable on its back. It's in a room with a plasma beam door, and to defeat it you have to equip some beam besides plasma, shoot the door, have the shot bounce off the door, and puncture the weak point on the enemy's back on the rebound. Presumably they're going to use a more modern Splatoon-style control scheme for Prime 4, so aiming at the door instead of locking onto the enemy you're fighting won't be as awkward as it would have been in 2002.

Sylux? Do Something or Just Die

You can have your own opinion, but personally I've been tired of Sylux speculation for about a decade. They had no character in Hunters aside from "they hate the Federation, who they stole equipment from." Like damn dude, join the club. They did literally nothing in Corruption except exist.

I'll admit that Federation Force did actually create a bit of intrigue for Sylux, but I am not constitutionally capable of tolerating another secret ending teaser that Sylux might be cool someday. Either make them the main villain as some sort of dark mirror to Samus and the baby Metroid OR just put a corpse on the ground somewhere that you can scan and it says, "DNA analysis identifies the remains as Sylux of Cylosis. Also the Metroid died of SIDS." with no further elaboration.

First Person Speed Booster

Not much to say here, I just want Prime 4 to be faster than 1, 2, or 3, and also include the speed booster. JP LeBreton once called fast shooters a dead end of game design, but that was back in 2013, and we've come a long way since BioShock. Alternatively...

Third Person Everything

As much as I like living inside of Samus's helmet, we leave it so often for mini-cutscenes and the morph ball in Prime that I think the game may as well be third person. Maybe keep the scan visor in first person to add to the vulnerability you expose yourself to by scanning.

More Samus Monologues

Something that always fell flat for me in Metroid Prime was Samus's silence, and it's interestingly been a theme in the western-developed Metroid games. Samus isn't exactly chatty, but she certainly has thoughts that we've historically been quite privy to. Now that we're a bit into the paragraph, I'd like to say that if you reply to this post with some mind-numbing dismissal of my point with either an accusation that I don't actually play Metroid or that I don't understand Samus's character: I promise I've played Metroid more than you. I've gotten every ending in every mainline Metroid game AND I'm a Super Metroid speedrunner. Just because someone has different opinions about a piece of media from you, that doesn't mean they're some nefarious adversary bent on injecting bad discourse for the purposes of ruining your favorite video game. Sometimes different people just like different stuff about a thing. That doesn't make them a fake fan. And if you say something to the effect of "we have a game where Samus talks a lot and it's called Other M and it sucks," that's a fallacious argument, and you haven't actually read this post. You just skimmed the bolded sections and got mad. See the previous refutation. I can enjoy everything people typically enjoy about Metroid--the atmosphere, the action, the exploration, the music, and the platforming--while also liking the story more than some people maybe do.

I think Metroid Fusion provides a good example of what I'm thinking of. You get a lot of insight into who Samus is as a person by what she comments on and what she doesn't in that game. Prime games tend to be a bit more open-ended than Fusion, so there would need to be more organic ways of weaving this in than Fusion's scripted sequences. I think having a section of the lore collection called something like "Aran's Notes" or something could be an elegant way of getting Samus's thoughts on events and uncovered lore without having it tied too strictly to specific event flags.

Flash Shift

Prime already kind of has this with the lock-on side hop, but that's always felt pretty limp. Flash Shift felt amazing, and we've had similar mechanics in recent games like Doom Eternal and Control, so it's not unprecedented.

Dread's Aesthetics

Dread has a perfect art style.

Prime 1's Kinesthetics

Something I loved about Metroid Prime is the rough texture of the world. Every area in Prime is packed with incidental detail that you can actually interact with. If there's a bump on the ground, you will experience an elevation change when you step over it. If there's a loose brick sticking out of a wall, you can stand on it. This made the world feel just as dilapidated as it looked, and it gave the game a certain kinetic texture that even extended to the canned animations. The elevators slam down onto the ground. The game over screen is a shrieking electrocardiogram.

I love that stuff. Give me more of it. Corruption didn't have it so much.

Various Legacy Features That Aren't Guaranteed to Return But I Would Like If They Did

Super Missiles as a charge beam combo. It creates a more interesting set of split-second cost/benefit analyses than either Super Metroid or Metroid Dread did with their Super Missile systems.

Hotswappable Beams. And I mean every beam, not just ice like Samus Returns.

Hint System & Easier Mode options unlocked from start. Helps people who have difficulty with navigation and/or combat with whichever of those two it is they find too frustrating.

[ahiddenpath]

Life Talk

Chattin’ bout life beneath the cut.

I don’t think I’ve talked about work in a while (I work for biotech studying/developing cancer treatments)?  It’s been really weird this year.  We just started quarter 2, and I haven’t... really... worked on my 2022 work goals at all.  I keep getting assigned stuff that...  Comes up.  That is higher priority than my actual... assigned stuff.  It’s been stressful for me because I never know what it is I’m going to work on, and I’ll find out what I’m doing tomorrow at like 4:50 the working day before, which doesn’t leave time for gathering reagents/supplies, doing calculations, laying out samples, remembering how to do that kind of experiment, etc.

Today I was actually explaining this to a very stress out coworker.  I said something like, “This year has been really stressful because I’m not working on my projects listed in my goals, and the work comes up last minute and urgent.”  And I rolled a zero on my perception check, because THE HEAD OF MY DEPARTMENT WAS BEHIND ME.  And worse, HE LAUGHED, lol!  It turned out that he had just emailed me another thing to do.  And then I went to a meeting where they told us our lab notebooks need to be more thorough and completed more quickly, and then I went back to the lab to finish something, and just as I finished, my supervisor came in and asked me to do something right then that took another 45 minutes, and then it was nearly four PM and there was more work in my email inbox.

So anyway, I have a ton of sick leave, because we can only use two days in a row without doctor’s notes, and it’s really difficult to actually use it (because you would end up throwing away several days’ worth of experiments if you just don’t show up, and there’s not really anyone who can do it for you).  I was actually wondering if I could see my therapist and have her give me a doctor’s note to use it for mental health reasons.  I have vacation also, but that gets paid out if I get a new job, and sick leave does not- it just vanishes, even though we accrue it the same way as vacation days.  I have a ton of it, and frankly my mental health is struggling.  That would likely involve explaining my anxiety disorder to work, and also telling them that it’s a stressful job, which...  Not sure how I feel about that?

(I mean, I’m pretty sure I accidentally told the head of my department that second bit today regardless, lol!).

I didn’t get much done creatively this week, which is bad, because the next chapter of PdA needs a lot of work, and the one after that isn’t written at all!  Hopefully I get somewhere with it this weekend.

You know, I’ve been working on PdA since November, so about five solid months.  It took me that long, but I really miss Koushiro and Eimi!  I just started hitting me about a week ago.  It’s so weird to find myself thinking, “I wonder what they’re up to,” as if I don’t decide that my own danged self in my fics, lol!  I picked up the most beautiful notebook in Eimi’s favorite color the other day, this in red and gold.  My favorite is the blue and silver, which I bought a long time ago (my witch friend tells me my energy is blue, no idea what that means lol, but it is my favorite color), but it has to be red for Eimi!  I gotta get to the bit in PdA where they show up, ahhh!

Anyway, I guess that’s where I am.  Stressed, lol!  I’m sure we all are!  I hope you’re hanging in there, though (and that you didn’t bitch about your job with your boss’s boss standing behind you, lol)!!  Big kiss <3  

[plainbrunettelbl]

(Shifter AU) Panther Aizawa Shota x Bobcat Reader x Lion Yamada Hizashi (Chapter Two)

Word count: 4465

Warnings: None

Title: (Shifter AU) Panther Aizawa Shota x Bobcat Reader x Lion Yamada Hizashi (Chapter Two)

Summary: You get started at your new job and hang out with the duo a bit more. 

(gif not mine) 

💤🎤-You had been nervous going into the interview. You put on your best clothes and walked your way into the interview room. As soon as you pulled up to the building you instantly knew why their previous assistant was throwing themselves at them. 

💤🎤-The building was huge and elegant. The blue glass building sparkled brilliantly against all the other stone ones. They clearly had money lining their pockets. You felt a little intimidated now that you knew they had money. 

💤🎤-You had exchanged numbers with them when they dropped you off the other day but you hadn’t texted with them much. Hizashi would text you songs that he really liked and wanted you to listen to. Shota would constantly ask if you were eating enough. 

💤🎤-They were both sweet. You were glad to have met them, they seemed to be looking out for you. It was comforting considering you had no one else in this town to talk to. 

💤🎤-You walked into the interview and gave it your best. 

💤🎤-Now, a few days later, you were waiting by your laptop to see if they emailed you telling you got the job. The stress alone was gonna cause a shift. You were lounging in a soft white shirt and pajama shorts. 

💤🎤-You were laying on your bed on your stomach refreshing your inbox every few minutes. You really hoped you got the job. You tried to distract yourself with reading comics on your phone but it was no use.   

💤🎤-Finally, your laptop chimed. We are glad to inform you that...

💤🎤-You squealed, excitedly bouncing around on your bed. You quickly shot off a text to your new bosses saying you were looking forward to working with them. They congratulated you and wanted to see if you would like to go to dinner to celebrate. 

💤🎤-You were more than happy to agree. Your bobcat missed the big felines. 

***

💤🎤-They had picked you up thirty minutes after they had texted you about getting dinner to celebrate they had pulled up to your apartment complex. It was in a decent neighborhood so they were both relieved. 

💤🎤-They didn’t get to come up and get you at your door. You had walked down your two flights of stairs before they could get out of their expensive black car. It was a shame. They wanted to sniff out what shifters lived there. 

💤🎤-They shot you smiles when you climbed into the car. 

💤🎤-“Hey, Y/N! I  swear thought Shota would bite my head off before we found your place. The man gets grumpy if he doesn’t get fed every few hours.” Zashi leaned over in the driver’s seat ignoring his mates glare. 

💤🎤-“I was not about to bite your head off. I was simply telling you that we could have gotten here faster if you took the turns I was telling you to take.” He grumbled, shooting his mate a look before turning around to greet you. 

💤🎤-“Hello, Y/N.” He calmly greeted, sending you a gentle look. 

💤🎤-“Hey guys! I am so happy to hang out again. I was going crazy in my apartment.” You chuckled, leaning up against the leather seat and buckling yourself in. 

💤🎤-“We were talking about that. We were wondering if you wanted to spend the night at the cabin this weekend to shift a bit and show you the ropes. I may not be the best at tree climbing but Shota is an expert at it.” Zashi pulled out of your apartment complex and headed towards the restaurant they had picked out. 

💤🎤-You made small talk the rest of the drive but soon you were pulling up to a burger joint. It was not something you expected them to bring you to considering their wealth but you were glad. 

💤🎤-You didn’t want to make a fool of yourself if they took you somewhere fancy and you didn’t know which fork was the right one to eat with. Soon you were sat in a big red booth looking over the menu. 

💤🎤-“What do you usually get?” You asked, peering over the big menu to look at them. 

��🎤-“I usually the deluxe cheeseburger with a side of fries. They have onion rings as well. They have a great dipping sauce here for them.” Zashi hummed, sipping on the cola the waiter had already brought over. 

💤🎤-You had a Sprite, Shota ordered a sweet tea. 

💤🎤-“That does sound good, I could go for some onion rings right now. And you?” You turned to the dark-haired male, his obsidian eyes met yours. 

💤🎤-“I usually get the mushroom Swiss burger with onion rings. Zashi is right, the dipping sauce they make here is really good.” He agreed, leaning back in his booth and stretching. 

💤🎤-Shota was wearing a black turtleneck shirt with matching black jeans. Zashi was wearing a white band t-shirt with ripped jeans. It was not something you expected to see them wearing taking into account their wealth. 

💤🎤-You thought it was refreshing that they didn’t flaunt their money. 

💤🎤-“Mmm. The cheeseburger sounds good. I’ll get that and some onion rings.” You put the menu down and looked over at them. 

💤🎤-“So how are you guys doing?” You asked, taking a sip of your soda. 

💤🎤-“Work had me running wild this week. I do some of the designs for our company and things kept getting messed up and delayed.” Zashi sighed, rubbing his head. 

💤🎤-Shota scoffed, twirling his straw in his drink. 

💤🎤-“You only had so many problems because your office is a mess. I swear every time I go in there it is a even bigger mess.” He scolded, siding eyeing his blond mate. 

💤🎤-“It’s an organized mess! Just how I like it!” Zashi defended, moving his hands around to get his point across. 

💤🎤-You just smiled at their loving banter. They made a nice couple. Soon the waiter came by and took your orders. Even sooner a huge burger and pile of onion rings were sat down in front of you. 

💤🎤-Your eyes couldn’t have gotten any bigger. 

💤🎤-“You could have told me the serving sizes were huge! I don’t even know if I can finish half of this.” You gasped, looking at your mountain of onion rings. There had to a least be two full-sized onions on your plate for you to have that much. 

💤🎤-The burger had to be held up by a wooden stick so it didn’t collapse onto itself. 

💤🎤-Zashi had already taken a fry and started munching on it. His golden eyes taking in your shocked face. He suppressed a grin that wanted to crawl on his face. He imagined your bobcat making the same expression when you saw his form. 

💤🎤-You still didn’t know what type of shifter he was. 

💤🎤-“We already told you that you should be eating more. This seems like a lot but once you start eating it disappears fast. Even if you can’t eat it all, I am sure me and Zashi would be more than happy to finish off what you can’t.” Shota reassured, holding his big burger with two hands.  

💤🎤-You meekly nodded before picking up an onion ring. You bit into it with a crunch and it was like your plate was suddenly half empty. You were down half a burger and onion rings. 

💤🎤-Once again your eyes widened. 

💤🎤-“Sho, she is too cute. She reminds me of when I was a teen and my appetite had just started to pick up as well.” Zashi nudged his stoic mate. 

💤🎤-You had caught his words and lifted your head. 

💤🎤-“You both were born shifters right? What’s it like growing up? Do you have any pictures of when you were cubs? Oh, I bet you were adorable when you were little!” You excitedly rambled, already picturing Shota as a panther cub.  

💤🎤-Zashi’s mood immediately dampened, he scowled at his mate. Shota already knew why he was getting a dirty look from his mate. 

💤🎤-“I wouldn’t know. Sho refused to show me a picture of him as a cub. Even though I showed him a picture of me when I was a scrawny cub.” Zashi huffed, he reached over and stole an onion ring from his mate just to irritate him. 

💤🎤-He didn’t even like onion rings. 

💤🎤-“What is so important about seeing me as a cub? I don’t see a reason in showing you.” Shota rolled his eyes, letting his mate take more onion rings off his plate. 

💤🎤-“What’s the difference between a shifter and a turned one like me?” You asked, taking a sip of your Sprite. 

💤🎤-“There is not really much of a difference. We are born and can shift when we turn about eight or so. Since you are turned that is a bit different. Right now your bobcat is still in its early stages.” Zashi explained, taking on a serious tone. 

💤🎤-“It is a bit dangerous for someone to be turned. For one, not everyone who is bitten lives through the change. A lot of genetic makeup is twisted around so some people can’t handle that and die.” His golden eyes took on a metal-like coldness. 

💤🎤-His lion was unsettled at the thought of never meeting you if your body had not accepted the change. 

💤🎤-“Shifters are not supposed to turn humans because of the chance that they might die. You are only allowed to change someone when you are taking them as your mate.” He paused, looking over at you to see if you were understanding. 

💤🎤-Shota picked up from there. 

💤🎤-“Since Hizashi is already a shifter I didn’t need to do this but a shifter would have to bite their human mate in order to turn them. It is a bit more detailed but basically a mating bite is unique since has a zero percent chance of the person dying while their body undergoes the change.” Shota continued, eyeing his mate, love clear in his eyes. 

💤🎤-They still carried each others mating bites on their necks to show other shifters that they are mated. A little of their scent mingled in each others just to push their status as taken. 

💤🎤-“So I was bitten and since my body was about to handle the change I survived. What do you mean when you say my bobcat is still in its early stages?” You asked, putting your elbows on the table and leaning on your clasped hands.

💤🎤-“It basically means that your animal half is not fully mature yet. You seemed a bit on the smaller side when we found you so that is why we assumed you were a cub. Your mannerisms also led us to believe you were a lot younger than what you are.” Zashi answered, remembering the way you rubbed up against him without a second thought. 

💤🎤-He shuddered at the thought of you rubbing up against a bear shifter you just met. A certain temperamental blonde he knew would have eaten you for lunch. He shoved the image of your small cat standing under a big brown bear away. 

💤🎤-“Don’t worry, it doesn’t take too long for your animal to mature. With a bit of socializing with our animal halves and more experience shifting you should be well on your way to becoming a fierce female feline.” Shota acknowledged, swiping a fry from his mate’s plate. 

💤🎤-“Speaking of fierce female felines, we were planning to introduce you to a friend of ours. She is a panther shifter like Sho, she should be able to answer any questions we can’t when it comes to being a women shifter.” Zashi hummed, bring a napkin up to his face. 

💤🎤-Even though they had been talking they still had enough time to finish everything on their plates. You looked down at your plate. You ate way more than you thought you would but there was still a decent amount of onion rings on your plate. 

💤🎤-You would have asked for a to-go plate but they would lose their crunch by the time you went home. You slid your plate in Shota’s direction, he was more than happy to get to work on the plate. 

💤🎤-“So is that why you invited me out this weekend? So you can help me mature my bobcat?” You questioned, looking at Zashi. 

💤🎤-“For the most part, we knew that starting a new job can be stressful so we figured after your first week you could use a shift to release a bit of stress,” Zashi explained, pulling out his wallet. 

💤🎤-“Oh, that’s smart.” You agreed, reaching for your purse. “I’ll pay for my meal.” 

💤🎤-Shota had just polished off the last onion ring before cutting in. “Nonsense. We invited you out so we will pay. Plus this was to congratulate you on getting the job. It wouldn’t be right to make you pay.” 

💤🎤-You felt a little uneasy about having them pay but they had a point. You would treat them to something when you got the chance. Just because they had money didn’t mean they had to spend it on you. 

💤🎤-You would return the favor. 

💤🎤-After some light conversation and playful banter they dropped you off at your apartment. You had fun hanging out with them. They cleared up a few things which was nice. 

💤🎤-Now it was time to prepare for your first day at work.

***

💤🎤-In truth, you didn’t really think you would get a job that required formal wear. You had only seen a little bit of the building and workers when you had came in for your interview so you were unprepared for their fancy skirts and button-up shirts. 

💤🎤-You worked at the library in your old town so you had an abundance of soft sweaters and comfy slacks. You quickly realized you looked out of place among everyone else. 

💤🎤-You tried to keep your confidence up but it was quickly dwindling. 

💤🎤-Luckily, the lady at the front desk was waiting for your arrival and sent you on your way with directions as soon as you walked through the revolving glass door.  

💤🎤-Soon the elevator you were in opened up to the top floor. You didn’t see anyone at the front desk to greet you but then you remembered that would be your job. You saw two wooden doors behind your huge desk. 

💤🎤-You assumed Shota and Zashi were behind them. 

💤🎤-You sat your stuff down and walked over and knocked. An excited voice yelled to come in. You opened the door and tried not to gasp. Shota was right, Zashi’s office was a mess. 

💤🎤-You supposed it was your job to organize everything. You found a hyper blond drawing away on a digital art pad. The top portion of his long hair was pulled back with a clip while the rest flowed down his back. 

💤🎤-He wore deep emerald slacks with a half buttoned-up white shirt. He had a suit jacket to match his slacks but it was tossed over the leather chair he was sitting in. 

💤🎤-He looked up and smiled at your entrance. 

💤🎤-“Hi, Y/N! I am glad you found your way here just fine.” He grinned, setting aside his pad and pen. 

💤🎤-“The lady at the front desk told me where to go.” You said, shuffling around stacks of papers on the floor.  

💤🎤-“I’m sorry about the mess. I tried to clean some of it up before you got here but it seems to be a two-man job. Since our last assistant was more focused on Shota’s ass than doing her job my office got a little out of hand.” Zashi sheepishly explained, twirling his thumbs. 

💤🎤-His lion still wanted to claw the tall red-head apart. Never trust a tiger shifter. 

💤🎤-“It’s okay. You are paying me to work right.” You smiled, loving his shy expression. 

💤🎤-“Before you got started on my office lets get something from the break room. We have one to ourselves up here so don’t worry about being shy when taking the donuts.” He chuckled, leading you out of his office and down the hall into the break room. 

💤🎤-“Shota should be answering his emails right about now. I’ll show you how he likes his coffee so you can take it to him. You can never add enough sugar packets for him. The more the better.” He smirked, leading you to the expensive coffee machine. 

***

💤🎤-The week had gone by before you knew it. Shota and Zashi were on their way to pick you up and take you to their cabin. You had asked them if they lived there since it was so far out of town but they said they had a house in town and just used the cabin when they wanted to shift and get away from the hustle and bustle. 

💤🎤-You were only staying for the weekend so you packed light. You were standing on the sidewalk outside your apartment complex with your overnight bag slung over your shoulder. 

💤🎤-You didn’t have to wait long before a familiar black car pulled up. You climbed in with a happy grin. You were excited to hang out with them again. They were your only form of friendship in this town. 

💤🎤-You had gone out to cafes and even checked out the library but no one seemed interested in befriending you. You knew it probably wasn’t the best idea to hang out with your bosses but they didn’t seem to think anything was wrong with it so you didn’t either. 

💤🎤-They were just showing you a bit of guidance when it came to being a shifter so you didn’t see the harm. 

💤🎤-“Hey, guys! How’s it going?” You chirped, settling into the back seat and putting your bag on the floor. 

💤🎤-You noticed Zashi had a pair of yellow sunglasses on, they really brought out his golden eyes and blonde hair. He looked at you in the rearview mirror, his smile just as dazzling. 

💤🎤-“Hey, Y/N! Glad you are joining us today. Are you ready to find out what type of shifter I am?” He teased, putting the car in drive. 

💤🎤-“I am surprised you weren’t insulted when she asked if you were a sand cat.” Shota cracked a grin, shooting you a look in the rearview mirror. 

💤🎤-Shota hadn’t gone against his mate’s wishes and told you what type of shifter he was but he made sure to give you guesses to ask him that he knew would tick off his blond mate. 

💤🎤-It was payback for the tooth-achingly sweet coffee you kept on giving him. You always had such a bright smile when you handed it over so he couldn’t quite tell you he found the sugary beverage repulsive. 

💤🎤-He grinned and bared it. Every sip he took making him internally wince. 

💤🎤-“I take it as a compliment. Those things are adorable.” He boasted, sticking his tongue out at his mate.  

💤🎤-“We were gonna stop by the store before we headed to the cabin,” Shota informed, turning in his seat. 

💤🎤-“Yeah, someone forgot to pick up coffee last time we went.” Zashi teased, playfully nudging his mate. 

💤🎤-“Whatever.” Shota scoffed. 

💤🎤-“Sounds good to me. I can pick up a few snacks while we are there.” You hummed, looking out the window and watching the building pass by. 

***

💤🎤-You went off to the snack aisle while Shota and Zashi went to go get the coffee. You were eyeing the vast array of chips when someone stepped beside you. You looked over nearly gasped at the hulking man. 

💤🎤-He had to be at least 6′4. If his height wasn’t intimidating enough he had muscles stacked on muscles. He looked like he could crush you with his hand, his grey hair and fanged teeth made him look even more intimidating. 

💤🎤-He gaze was still focus on the chips in front of you but it was clear he was talking to you. 

💤🎤-“I didn’t know we had any bobcat shifters in town.” His voice was deep. 

💤🎤-You instantly stood straighter. “I just moved here so you wouldn’t have seen me around before.” 

💤🎤-“Welcome to town, it’s always nice to have more feline shifters in town. The bears and wolfs take up most of the population here.” He growled, his eyes narrowing. 

💤🎤-“Oh, well I am glad to be here. Everyone has been more than welcoming.” You gave him a fake smile, wishing he would pick his chips already and leave. 

💤🎤-“Glad to hear. Us feline shifters have to stick together.” He advised, finally taking a bag off the shelf. 

💤🎤-“Hey Y/N! Shota wanted to know if you wanted shrimp Alfredo for dinner or spaghetti?” He walked towards you, not fully noticing who was next to you until he was close enough to smell him. 

💤🎤-Cougar. 

💤🎤-Zashi hid his distaste for the man standing beside you. His lion snarling at the slimy feline next to you. 

💤🎤-“Oh spaghetti sounds nice but whatever you want is fine.” You answered, plucking a bag of salt and vinegar chips off the shelf before turning back to the ashy-haired man.  

💤🎤-“It was nice talking to you. See you around.” You polity said, beginning to walk off with Zashi.  

💤🎤-“See you around.” He sent you a sly grin. 

💤🎤-You walked down a few isles before noticing Zashi’s tense shoulders. 

💤🎤-“Everything okay?” You questioned, lifting a brow. 

💤🎤-“Yeah, I just remembered I needed to send an email before I left the office today but I forgot. It can wait till Monday though.” He recalled, scratching his head. 

💤🎤-You could tell it was something else but you didn’t press him on it. You hoped whatever was bothering him would go away though. You didn’t like the tight look on his face. 

💤🎤-Zashi was glad Shota had sent him to find you and not the other way around. 

💤🎤-“Oh, that’s good. So what do you want for dinner?” You changed the subject hoping to put him at ease. 

💤🎤-“I am a sucker for spaghetti and meatballs so looks like we are having that. Shota just wanted to ask you in case you didn’t like it. He knows if it was up to me we would eat it all the time.” He responded, losing some of the tightness in between his brows. 

💤🎤-You chuckled, walking with him to find Shota. 

💤🎤-You hoped this weekend went okay. 

***

💤🎤-You had gotten to the cabin and helped unload all the groceries before going outside and getting ready to shift. You had your back turned while Zashi and Shota got undressed. 

💤🎤-“You ready to finally see what type of shifter I am?” Zashi called, pulling his shirt over his head. 

💤🎤-“I am betting on cheetah shifter.” You theorized, thinking of how fast he can talk.  

💤🎤-He chuckled before shifting into his big cat. The first thing his lion did was stretch and yawn. Once he got that out of the way he padded over to you. He brushed his head against your open hand. 

💤🎤-You were quick to turn around and gasp. He was a lion! 

💤🎤-“Wow! I should have guess you were a lion considering your long hair! Your mane is so pretty. Can I touch it?” You asked, looking the lions golden eyes. 

💤🎤-He nodded his big head, giving you permission. 

💤🎤-Your fingers threaded through his thick fur. It was coarser than you imagined but it was still pleasant to touch. You petted him for a minute before he walked off and nuzzled against Shota. 

💤🎤-They looked so cute together. Like night and day. You wished you had some to be with. You pushed your lonely thoughts aside. You made sure they had their backs turned before quickly taking off your clothes and shifting. 

💤🎤-Your bobcat was all too eager to dash towards the big felines and nuzzle against them with a purr. It wasn’t really appropriate if you were a regular bobcat but since your bobcat was still young they allowed it. 

💤🎤-You only really nuzzled or rubbed your scent on family or close friends. While you fit the friends part it was much too soon. Zashi had no problem with it and went straight to lightly nipping and batting at you. 

💤🎤-He hadn’t played with a cub-sized feline since he left the pride. He forgot to hold in his strength since his big paw dwarfed you and sent you tumbling a few feet away. 

💤🎤-He dashed towards you, letting out concerned moans. 

💤🎤-Shota was a bit concerned but didn’t think the tumble did you much damage. His mate was just a worrywart. He thought of the future pups they might have and how he would turn into a major mother hen with them. 

💤🎤-His panther purred at the thought. 

💤🎤-For now he watched you hop onto your feet and pounce on his mate. You wrapped around Zashi’s neck like a scarf before falling down on your back. You happy chirps made his panther rumble. 

💤🎤-The panther turned and headed off into the forest. 

💤🎤-Your bobcat had immediately noticed his departure and bounded towards him. The lion was quick to catch up, playfully nipping and rubbing up against his mate. 

💤🎤-Soon you were in a large clearing. The sun was still up in the sky but everything had started to take on a yellow color. 

💤🎤-Shota had nudged you with his bulky shoulder and led you to the trees on the outskirts. He gave you a look that said he wanted you to watch him while he climbed and jumped down. 

💤🎤-You watched him for a few minutes observing him scale the tree before leaping down it. You tried to replicate what you saw and you seemed to get the hang of it after a few times of crashing face-first into the dirt. 

💤🎤-After you were sure you had gotten it down you nuzzled up against the dark feline and gave him a gentle purr. Then you shot off and went to play with Zashi, who was stalking a butterfly. 

💤🎤-Now that Shota got his teaching out of the way he laid down in the middle of the clearing and started cleaning himself before laying back and taking a nap. His panther was a lazy one, he liked soaking up the rays while drifting off to dreamland. 

💤🎤-Once you guys got all your energy out you and Zashi strolled over to the sleeping panther. Zashi leaned down and gave Shota a big long lick right over his face. 

💤🎤-Shota didn’t even opened his eyes and just lazily swatted at his mate. Zashi plopped down behind him and started grooming him even more. You felt like you were intruding so you curled up in a ball not too far away and dozed off as well. 

💤🎤-Your chest was light and fluffy. You hoped every weekend would be this peaceful. 

💤🎤-You didn’t realize that the next morning would be the last time you shifted for a while.

I had so much fun writing the dynamic between Sho and Zashi. They are a trip. Don’t worry the reader will get added into the mix soon enough. What do you think is going on with the cougars? Why do you think the reader won’t be able to shift for a while? 

This chapter was a little longer than I normally write so I hope you guys enjoy! Please reblog my work if you enjoyed it. It really helps me stay motivated to write more for yall. 

Don’t forget to leave a note too! 🖤💛

[goprosuite-2021]

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Anime chatter because I need a break from attempting to reach inbox zero at work. (I’m about 60% down, with only 477 emails in my inbox now.)

I finished reading the entire series of The Betrayal Knows My Name, which is beautiful and very fun and not a complete story wut. Apparently the mangaka had health issues in the middle of it, so I respect that she was able to finish a story arc, and also didn’t try to wrap things up (it wouldn’t have worked. This is a story in which people keep getting reincarnated over a millennia to fight demons and the main character is amnesiac for Unknown but possibly Love-Related Reasons in his past life and at best, the story ends 2/3 through). Instead, it ends at the end of one arc, but ugh I was planning on watching the anime afterwards, and now I think I’ll hold off.

(It’s a good manga, though. If you like shoujo action fantasies, it’s worth picking up. Perhaps there’s some good fanfic that will finish the story.)

I just started the Millionaire Detective - Balance: UNLIMITED and one episode in, the “AI uses money for the whims of one person to achieve anything” schtick has me thinking I’m watching a really weird AU of Eden of the East.

Two of my favorite shows I watched last year (Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid and Zombie Land Saga) have second seasons that will premier this year! I will, however, be waiting (and hoping) for the dubs, since both were very good, but especially Ricco Fajardo as perpetually-running-on-seventeen-Red-Bulls manager Kotaro in ZLS.

Surprise enjoyable show Touken Ranbu: Hanamaru will get some films in the next couple of years. The mobile game that spawned it is also being released in English (currently [March 2021] you can preregister), but I am resisting temptation because my phone doesn’t need yet another app.

I think I am just not cut out for serious shows. I want to like them, but I’ve been trying to get through Cowboy Bebop for several months, and keep pushing it off to watch other stuff. Same with Trinity Blood, it just feels like a slog. And I can’t quite pinpoint why, because it’s not like I don’t enjoy the show in abstract. But I start watching, and then ending up fast-forwarding. Even 91 Days, which was really good, I didn’t look forward to picking back up like I did, well, pretty much anything else I’ve watched in the past year.

Like, everyone’s supposed to like Cowboy Bebop, right?

I’ve got several others on my to-watch list (Witch Hunter Robin, Wolf’s Rain, Trigun) that were big (ish) back in the 00′s, but my apathy toward the others doesn’t leave me feeling optimistic.

[lawsonrkxh356]

Google Map Embed: The Google Strategy

Google My Maps Vs Mapme

Your map position will certainly relocate, with the symbol updating to reveal that you're directing north. In the example above, the present instructions of travel is roughly eastern, as north is directing towards the right-hand side. Making use of the compass icon as a guide, you can after that relocate the appropriate direction, whether it's north, southern, east, or west. Like the majority of Google solutions, Maps uses your searches as well as in-app activities to individualize future suggestions. Yet if you're going somewhere you do not want stored and connected with your account, Maps has an useful new feature that allows you go incognito and also avoid having any of your task saved.

How can I find out how far I ran?

A much quicker way to measure how far you run is by hopping in your car. Head to your starting point and reset the trip odometer on your dashboard so it reads zero. Then drive the route you want to run, and check the odometer again when you get to where you want to end.

erasing A Google Map.

Have a look at Maps' simple system for real-time place sharing. Possible paths are then supplied, with Google benefiting from the same icons from the complete application.

We call this drawing out "organized text" details out of images. It is not simply message, it is message with semantic significance attached to it.

They use great information regarding the place you're going to virtually.

You can conveniently make use of the controls to "fly" down as well as locate your location.

Google Planet will swiftly "fly" you appropriate to your destination.

Recently, Google has actually added what they call Expertise Cards to the program.

However, if you are in a hurry, you can just look for an address or the name of a landmark or the geographical works with.

Rotate a map around to change your positioning by positioning your index finger and thumb on the display and after that turning them together to the left or right. If you utilize Gmail and/or Google Schedule, you can discover information regarding upcoming bookings-- as mentioned in confirmation emails in your inbox or occasion invites in your program-- ideal within Maps. Touch the three-line food selection symbol in the mobile app's upper-left corner, select "Your locations," and then seek the "Appointments" tab at the top of the display. Intend to draw up your early morning jog-- or maybe just know specifically just how far you need to take a trip on a specific journey? Maps can specifically determine the distance in between 2 or even more points, all the way down to the second decimal.

How do you walk in Google Earth?

Open Google Maps. In the bottom right, click Pegman .

Explore Street View 1. To move around, hover your cursor in the direction you want to go.

2. To see where you might go next, look for the X.

3. To look around, click and drag your mouse.

4. To zoom in or out, scroll with your mouse or two-finger zoom with a touchpad.

More items

There's absolutely nothing worse than unexpectedly hitting a big hill while riding your bike. Following time, connect your route right into Google Maps and also request biking directions. You'll see a graph that shows the steepness of each part of your journey and also be able to prevent those big inclines in the future.

Google Maps makes it easy to keep all your favorite restaurants in one area. Faucet on a location as well as strike "Conserve." After that, pick "New listing" and also give it a name. Now, you can add brand-new locations to your existing lists.

Triggering it will certainly provide you one-tap switches for locating filling station, restaurants, food store, or cafe along your way from factor A to point B. You can also type in your own custom-made search term-- if, say, you wish to see every Starbucks or Taco Bell that gets on your existing path. Need someone to find you-- or maybe just know where you are?

reasons To include Your company To Google Maps.

How do I track a walk on Google Maps?

Enter a location in the location field and click find to locate a position on the map. The Google Pedometer will update the Google map to display your new location. Click a location on the Map Pedometer map to mark your first point. Click additional locations on the Map Pedometer map to draw your route.

You can select to make any kind of checklist exclusive-- for your own personal watching just-- or you can opt to have it be accessible through an unique common link you send out. It can also simply be publicly offered for anyone to discover online.

You can likewise share checklists with buddies, and they're also obtainable when you're offline. If you're satisfying a buddy, this attribute makes it add map to website simple for them to track you down. Open Google Maps on iOS or Android as well as pull up the alternatives food selection as well as select "Area sharing." From right here you can choose for how long to expose your place and that to share it with.

Conversely, if you are seeking deals on details brands, you can look for their vouchers from the page. So if you've had your eye on the Homall S-Racer video gaming chair, you'll locate there's currently a voucher that saves you 5 percent, many thanks to a simple search.

how To Embed A Google Map:.

In a WIRED Q&A, the mapping principal celebrates her group's years as well as a half of job, and also stories a training course for the following phase. You should have the ability to proceed the Map and to zoom in and also out. The template generated a file called google_maps_api. xml.

How do I watch a live map online?

Navigate with Live View 1. On your Android phone or tablet, open the Google Maps app .

2. In the search bar, enter a destination or tap it on the map.

3. Tap Directions .

4. Above the map in the travel mode toolbar, tap Walking .

5. In the bottom center, tap Live View .

More items

This is based upon the key with which you authorize your Android application throughout release. During development the Android construct system, instantly creates and uses a debug key. You need to offer your application trademark key and the application package name. To use Google Maps you need to create a legitimate Google Maps API trick.

[glorious-blackout]

Summary of Junior Doctor Life - Part Ten (now with a pandemic on the horizon):

One of my colleagues (who happens to be gay) has the same jobs as me next year, though he’s considerably less thrilled about the Obs and Gyn placement than I am. After enduring the rest of us coming up with reasons why he might actually enjoy it, he eventually summed up his frustrations with a final, “Look, I just really hate vaginas!” Fair enough 😅

The stereotype that doctors aren’t particularly good at looking after ourselves isn’t entirely unfounded (most of us would love to eat and drink and sleep regularly, but our shifts don’t always allow it). One of my friends proved that point by coming back to work early after being ill, only to collapse during the morning ward round. Thankfully she was working with one of our nicer consultants, who not only made sure she got to lie down in our doctors’ room but also insisted she get a lift home and stay there until she was better. In the meantime, I managed to make our eager medical students useful by sending them off to buy biscuits and sugary drinks for her (though their initially bewildered question of “Which drink?” did leave me mildly concerned that they’d come back with a diet coke).

The same thing happened to me once when I was a medical student. Not gonna lie, it’s rather unnerving to hear an experienced consultant say “Oh wow, that is pretty low” after checking your blood pressure. 

I was on Surgical Receiving again this week, with my first patient being none other than one of my consultants. If I ever require admission to hospital then I will likely avoid my workplace like the plague, however this man is far more eccentric than I am and had zero qualms about his own colleagues removing his gallbladder earlier in the week. A few days later he called the ward because his wound was leaking and nonchalantly stated, “So I’m holding a bit of bowel in my hand, but it’s okay. I come in, you fix it, I go home.” Which is exactly what happened (thankfully his presentation wasn’t quite as dramatic as he’d made out).

During a week in which we were already understaffed, one of my colleagues called in sick at the last minute due to food poisoning. This left only two FY1s responsible for sixty patients, and one of us (thankfully not me) was holding a page designed to accept more patients. Not the best news to receive at 8am when you’re already on Day 6 of a 7-day week.

If the shift had been kind to us then this might have been manageable, but it ended up being a day in which I found out that the lovely man who once gave me a Kit-Kat because “you doctors are always run off your feet” was dying, while in the neighbouring ward a patient faked a cardiac arrest in a bid to get some morphine. Throw a suspected Coronavirus case into the mix and more discharge letters than you can physically complete without sacrificing your breaks and you end up with the kind of shift that leaves you bone-weary by the end of it.

Speaking of Coronavirus, its presence in the UK means that the rumour-mill is officially up and running. Our medical students have already had their exams and summer electives cancelled, while high-dependency nurses are facing the very real possibility of having to care for ICU patients in the coming weeks. Annual leave is likely to be deferred, elective surgeries are facing cancellations (with the exception of urgent cancer cases) while theatre nurses are being trained in Critical Care. Our email inboxes are constantly filled with updates, so regularly that emails we receive at 10am already contradict the information given two hours earlier. In the past three days I’ve been present at several meetings about the approaching pandemic, during which we’re reminded that the next few weeks are likely to be unimaginably busy. For the most part, we just get on with our jobs as usual, but there’s certainly an undercurrent of dread lingering beneath the calm.

Supplies of alcohol gel are running low because the bottles by patients’ bedsides keep mysteriously vanishing (often during visiting hours). This has prompted at least one exasperated nurse to say, “Why can’t they just use soap like normal people, for feck’s sake!” 

My sister works in the neonatal unit and has already caught multiple parents smuggling hospital supplies of nappies and formula milk home ‘just in case’. They don’t tend to take it well when she bluntly tells them that not only are they stealing from the NHS, but also the very sick babies who actually need those supplies.

One of the unnerving things about working in a hospital where preparations are underway for a pandemic is that it feels like the virus is already everywhere. Every clear-cut Infective Exacerbation of COPD or Pneumonia is now labelled ‘Coronavirus until proven otherwise’ and our charge nurse had to be upfront with us about the fact that even she hadn’t been told exactly how many confirmed local cases there are. The hullabaloo makes it seem as though we’re already in the thick of it… and then you check BBC News and it turns out Scotland only has 60 cases in total. Still, I suppose we’ll be grateful for such preparations soon enough.

My mum rather naively asked if Occupational Health would do anything to protect people like me on account of our shit lungs (not quite her wording, but it’s what she was getting at). I don’t have the heart to tell her that the higher-ups would probably rather have a couple of asthmatic employees die than face the staffing crisis that would arise if every single healthcare worker with underlying health conditions stayed at home. My asthma’s mild enough that I’m not particularly worried, though I have finally ordered a repeat prescription of my inhalers. Just in case 😉

As a final point about COVID-19: for most people it will manifest as a bad cold/flu-like illness (if that), and everyone can do their bit by staying at home if they develop a cough/fever and employing proper hand hygiene (soap and warm water are enough - trust me, hospitals and vulnerable people need stuff like alcohol gel and antibacterial wipes far more than you do). Keeping surfaces at home clean and staying well-hydrated can also help (the virus loves dry environments, which apparently includes the mucus membranes in your throat if you’re dehydrated enough). The people who are going to be most affected are the elderly, immunocompromised, and those with underlying medical conditions, and it’s those people who will be most protected if you follow precautions as closely as possible. It’s going to be a hectic and potentially very difficult few months, but the best thing to do is keep our heads and try not to give into the scaremongering which has been prominent since Day One. And because I really can’t say it enough - Wash Your Hands!  

[rkjulia]

MGA: SEASON FIVE, ‘19! episode zero ⇢ the callback part one: dancing + singing, chi chi’s “into the new world”           the fromis_9 edition ( 0:00 - 1:55 )

kokoro stares at the email sitting in her inbox with utter disbelief. and for a good while, too. she is hesitant to click on it, still so absorbed by the text in the title and what it is she’s reading. but she somehow manages to convince herself to actually delve a little deeper and read the actual email, rather than the title ten times over. and so she does, once and then twice before going back over it a third time. is this what she thinks it is? is this really a ... callback notice? it couldn’t be that, no ... why would they contact kokoro for a callback? she furrows her brows, reading the email again. she’s tempted to forward the email to yuri to ask if she’s reading it correctly. maybe yuri would then tell her that this is more so a thanks for trying notice. that would settle her nerves, kokoro knows she’s looking way too far into this. and after forwarding it to yuri, turns out this wasn’t a scam or a prank of sorts. kokoro had read this entirely correctly. it really was a callback.

and kokoro was invited.

it really felt like only yesterday that kokoro had began to contemplate auditioning for the show. 

it only felt like yesterday that kokoro had began contemplating on auditioning for the show; night after night of going back and forth on a dream she thought she had left behind when she moved to seoul. the first audition had come and gone in an absolute blur, and somehow no one had really gotten suspicious about kokoro’s whereabouts on that very day. and now here she was, at an actual television set, with two of her best friends. bright lights hanging overhead and large, expensive cameras directed towards her and the rest of the contestants. kokoro sits upright in her chair, bright eyed, doing her best to survey her surroundings. she follows the prompts given to her by staff members and producers carefully, knowing there is no room for mistakes. this is going to be going to air, on actual live television. kokoro totally lets the fact that her mother or her step-sister might see this, and if she does think it, she pushes it to the back of her mind. for now. she’s sitting with yuri and yuqi, feeling less nervous about performing in front of a large crowd, but she can’t help but wonder who the panel of judges will be made up of.

kokoro ends up finding a lot of familiar faces amidst the crowd of contestants around herself, yuri and yuqi. she finds yoona, her dance dance revolution companion and jeongin, the k.arma fan from the showcase she went to a month or two back. she even happens across the boy from the royal cafe who ended up wearing her hot chocolate, a memory she would much rather forget. she hopes and prays that he doesn’t look back and catch sight of her. kokoro would of never of taken him for someone like her, a hopeful of sorts, someone looking to break into the industry. he seemed too ... cool for that. but everyone was here for their own reason, as basic or complex as it may be. and who was kokoro to judge? she was here for her own reason, albeit generic. there are hushed whispers and questions about who is going to be sitting on the panel for this round, and some people offer up guesses while others keep their lips sealed in anticipation. the 100 chairs have been filled by contestants, eagerly waiting for their chance to shine.

and then their questions have been answered. appearing from out of nowhere, or so it seems, is the ceos of the five, top companies in south korea, trc entertainment, kt entertainment, sphere entertainment, royal entertainment and nova entertainment. the reaction is positive, kokoro is guessing that a lot of people are losing their minds right now, although some people are probably dreading the fact that the ceos are getting involved so early in the competition. and no one’s fate has been set in stone. kokoro’s reaction is a mixture of surprise and excitement. she realises that she’s never seen the ceos up close before, or actually ever. everyone looks so big and famous, kokoro isn’t too sure that they’re all worthy to be sitting in the same room as these people. 

the callback process begins as one would expect. one by one, each contestant is called forward to show off their skills. they have two minutes to impress the judges and ignite fear in their fellow contestants before returning to their seat and so on. that was the jist of things, or that’s at least what kokoro understood after the first two people had gone forward. she pulls at the hem of her skirt. she knows that from here on out, her charms and cuteness alone aren’t going to get her very far and kokoro starts to understand that maybe she’s not cut out for this sort of stuff. the other contestants are really good dancers, really good singers and really good rappers, almost brimming on trainee or idol level good. kokoro though, hasn’t ever really had any formal training. she’s taken some dance classes and she was in school choir. her parents were never really big on her joining an academy to perfect her skills, well, her father was persistent that kokoro do what make her happy. her mother on the other hand, she was adamant about kokoro doing well in school and with her studies. having had her father absent during her teenage years, it’s easy to see the path kokoro had followed. the path free of any hopes and dreams she had.

     “and next up, we have ... kato kokoro.”

amidst her thoughts, kokoro’s name is called. she’s rather startled, looking across to the panel of judges, spotting katie lee, holding a microphone. it was a woman’s voice in introduced her, so it must of been katie lee. kokoro smiles, getting to her feet before making her way down to the front of the stage, being careful to not step any toes or trip on anything. because that would be very kokoro of her and typical, especially since this was going to be aired on television. she pulls her skirt straight before falling into a polite bow, holding it for a moment before standing upright once again. brushing both of her twin tails back over her shoulder, she looks towards each of the ceos with a bright smile. “hello everyone!” she says enthusiastically, waving both of her hands either side of her face. “my name is kato kokoro, please take care of me.” she doesn’t let on to what it is she’s performing today, and she hasn’t any intentions. the opening notes of the song will do all the talking for her. into the new world, by the nation’s girl group, chi chi. kokoro had heard that it was a song of importance to young people in south korea, a song of hope. 

it was a song she had heard prior to coming to south korea, it was just one of those songs that transcended languages and touched her heart. and that’s what she wants to do today, give a performance that is full of heart. an idol to kokoro is someone who brings others joy through song and dance. they may not necessarily be the best, but when they dance, they give their all. their passion shows. although kokoro is fearful that she may not be as skilled as some of the other contestants in terms of technique or skill, she knows that she has the ability to out do them in one aspect; in heart. she knows, standing there, center stage that this routine will be full of it.

and the song begins to play. it’s familiar to everyone in the room. it’s a song that everyone knows the words to, even kokoro. admittedly, she hesitated upon choosing a korean song to sing at her callback, but she needs to prove that she’s competent with the language. maybe not so much with interviews and general speaking, but with singing. she wants to prove something to herself. she stands there, hands gently folded behind her back as she looks out towards the panel of judges. as the beat drops, kokoro’s smile widens and she nods her head, moving forward into the choreography seamlessly. for a song that is over ten years old, it’s aged very well.

i want to tell you, even though the sad times have already past. close your eyes and feel my moved heart, my gaze at you.

don’t wait for a special miracle, there’s a tough road in front of us, with unknowable an unknowable future and obstacles, i won’t change. i can’t give up. 

kokoro’s voice is soft, her accent present. however, thankfully the tone of the song works with her, rather than against her. the beginning of the song is much more forgiving and kokoro knows she doesn’t have the vocal chords to challenge the end of the song with the high notes and the adlibs. she isn’t out here to butcher a korean classic. a part of kokoro can’t help but wonder if she really is good enough, strong enough to withhold the idol industry of korea. perhaps they aren’t interested in heart; performances that are wholesome and meaningful. perhaps they really do only believe in the best of the best. she knows too well that she isn’t the best dancer, nor the best vocalist but kokoro makes sure that she hits every single dance move, sharp and precise, as though this is dance dance revolution and she’s out to hit her highest score yet. even despite the foreign words flowing from kokoro’s mouth, something about this feels so normal to her.

protect me with an unchanged love, also my wounded heart. looking in your eyes, no words are needed, time has stopped. 

the song builds ever so slowly, inching towards the chorus. and as the song builds up, so does kokoro’s energy. the chorus hits and kokoro quite literally jumps into it, her smile becomes bigger and brighter. this is the feeling she chases, the feeling she so desperately wants others to feel. when people hear the music they love, they should want to get up onto their feet to dance and sing along. she wonders if the other contestants, or even the ceos themselves are surprised by her song choice ... or perhaps it was a given that she, the foreigner, would perform a classic like into the new world? into the new world was a right of passage for so many girl groups in korea, so why couldn’t it be a right of passage for a hopeful like herself?

i love you, just like this. the longed end of wandering, i leave behind this world’s unending sadness. 

in the many unknowable paths, i follow a dim light. it’s something we’ll do together to the end, into my new world.

she is no longer fearful of the outcome of this callback. whether she goes beyond her wildest dreams or falters right here, right now; she has come to realise that she is grateful for one thing; the opportunity to feel again, to feel this happy, this confident and this comfortable whilst dancing and singing to a song like such. the song cuts short before the dance break, which kokoro would of happily performed, only doing so would of pushed her over the two minute mark. pushing her hand outwards to her side she sings the final words of the chorus; it’s something we’ll do together to the end, into my new world. before finishing as she started, hands laced together behind her back. her chest rises and falls ever so slightly, she’s ashamed to admit she’s out of breath. but perhaps not so much from the singing and dancing itself, but from the excitement and the emotion she’s feeling right now. and not even then does her smile falter. it’s kokoro’s one constant. she gracefully falls into a bow, her twin tails becoming curtains, blacking out her vision for a moment before she straightens herself up, brushing them back behind her shoulders. she looks around at the other contestants and the ceos one last time, wanting desperately to savour this moment. it could be the last time she sees a stage like this ...

     or it could be the beginning of something new.

[yasmijn]

The Post About 2018.

It’s two days into 2019, and I have just gotten back from a 12-day trip to Sweden and Norway. It was both tiring and exciting, I got to meet new friends - the people that are currently studying in Stockholm and Lund. I saw aurora borealis from the backyard of our Airbnb in Brennaveien, the majestic fjords and mountains covered in snow, both Norwegian and Swedish wood that are too pretty to be described with just words, and experienced proper snow showers.

But this post is about what happened in 2018, a year when things are finally happening for me. I grew a lot in 2016 and 2017, when in both years I had to accept so many rejections, and there were many times when I felt so small, not good enough, lesser than everybody else who seemed to be doing so well with their lives, and I was particularly envious and angry at people who went away to study abroad, while I had to sit behind a desk doing boring yet tiresome job while revising on essays and motivation letters.

So, here goes.

1. Thought of a Re-Route

I had actually thought that maybe I was not supposed to go back to school, that maybe I should resign and get a real job. I know that our plans might not always be aligned with what Allah has, and I spent the first few months of 2018 to reason myself to accept that. My father said that I have to go so school in 2018, he didn’t want me to waste anymore time. He said that he could afford sending me to study in Germany because there is no tuition fee, and that for the first year’s living allowance, I could live off the money I got from selling the car I was currently using, and that he’s gonna find more money for the second year’s. But I don’t want my parents to spend any more money on tertiary things like this because, hey - What if I don’t need a master’s degree?

I opened my options to practically everything - I checked every scholarships offered in different countries. I used to only think about Europe, but I did a few research on Asian countries as well, and I found out that Taiwan government offers a wide variety of scholarships. I spent 2 weeks on a short course in NCKU, Tainan, and I actually liked the vibe of the country. At the same time, I was also checking on job openings, and tried to imagine myself in an office setting because, hey - What if that’s what’s best for me at that particular point of time?

2. Got the announcement

It was 8th of March, almost 11pm, and I was still drafting an essay for Stuned - only 1 paragraph in, and it was due in a week. Then an email came into my inbox. 

I had zero expectation on this scholarship, and I actually spent considerable amount of time to prepare myself for another rejection. It said that it’s aimed for excellent international applicants - both excellent and international. It meant that I would not only compete with fellow Indonesians but also other prospective students from different parts of the world. I didn’t even win against other Indonesians in other scholarship schemes, so what are really the odds of my being actually good enough for this one? 

After reading the email word by word, I practically woke everybody in the house, and I can’t describe what I felt that night. The first word that actually came to my head was, “Finally.” And nothing else. I was over the moon. I was very happy. But later that night, when I have curled myself on my bed, I cried like there’s no tomorrow. I can’t quite understand why but my heart ached so much. It was the time I finally felt that I was good enough.

3. Pre-Departure Preparation

I had nearly 5 months to prepare stuff. I sold my car, a white Brio I have drove from first year of university. It was a pretty tense experience to put up my car on various marketplace, and to meet with the people in real life, to negotiate, to saw the amount of money being wired to my bank account, and to finally said goodbye to the car that has accompanied me in such a long time. It was sentimental.

Oh and before that, I had to drove all the way to Rancaekek to change my license plate because it’s expiring. Administrative stuff always gets on my nerve. And I also had to go back and forth from Bandung to Soreang to issue a newer version of birth certificate, found out that it was not translated although it was like the most important thing of that document, so that I had to paid twice the money to get it translated and legalized in Ministry of Law and Human Rights, Ministry of Foreign Affairs, and Dutch Embassy. Only to find that it was not even asked during the registration at TU. Ugh.

The time I finally saw the MVV sticker on my passport, I was super thrilled. I was really going!

4. Said Goodbye to the Office

I spent the whole two years after graduation to work in LPIK. So many things have happened, the institution has improved so much, and the people are so very kind. Everybody over there was. 

They threw me a goodbye party, and the sentimental me sobbed when giving a speech. I left before the construction for the innovation park actually started, and I am curious to see what will happen after I come back to Indonesia, when I come back. 

5. Said Goodbyes to Friends

I am grateful to meet these people. To laugh at the smallest of things, but to also talk about things that are important. Bandung was filled with stories, all thanks to them. See you when I see you all. 

6. Brief Holiday

My parents wanted to come with me to the Netherlands while also holiday-ing. So I did not only prepare for administrative stuff for my master’s, but also to construct itinerary, book accommodations, buy flight tickets, and did a thorough research on how to get from one place to another and what to do. We went to Amsterdam - Delft - Antwerp - Brussels - Paris, and said goodbye in Charles de Gaulle.

7. Finally Started Studying Again

It still feels surreal at times. To be a part of a class of a 100 people, to listen to lectures, to discuss, to read the Reader, download study materials off Brightspace, to work on past exams and exercises, to stay so late in the library or the PC Zaal in TPM, to be anxious before exam and even more anxious while waiting for the result to come out. To experience winter break but still anxious because there are many deadlines awaiting. 

Up to this point, the program I’m taking feels so similar with Industrial Engineering but even broader. I am planning to take the Entrepreneurship track, but I think I am gonna balance it with a more technical, mathematical electives. Although I was pissed several times with what we study at classroom due to the rather absurd approach, but I do think that this program fits me well. 

8. Meet So Many New, Kind People

So many, I can’t name all of them. In 2018, only 20-ish Indonesian people started studying in Delft, compared to 40-ish in 2017, 70-ish in 2016, and nearly 100 in 2015 (LPDP happened, that’s why). I do love the people so much. They are such a great support system, and we spend a lot of times meeting up to talk and cook and just to have fun. I took part in the committee for Indelftnesia 2019, and it was such a great opportunity to meet more people and to get closer. 

To be honest, I haven’t really experience homesickness because to me, Delft is already a home. 

9. Cooking is Lyfe

I cook. So. Often.

Back home in Bandung, I baked. Red velvet cookies with cream cheese fillings, matcha cake, Tres Leches cake, Japanese cheesecake, chocolate cookies, brownies, fudge, buttermilk biscuits. Just any random recipe I wanted to try. But I rarely cook. But here, I have just discovered that cooking is so much fun. Compared to baking which is more science, cooking is an art. You need to work on your approximation - How much spices do you need? How much salt/pepper/MSG/sugar do you need?

I made chicken porridge, bibimbap, topokki, dumplings, various versions of pasta, chicken dish, grilled cheese sandwich, bakmi jawa, pempek, perkedel bala-bala, fried rice, joined a cook-together of making kepiting saus padang, mie atjeh, rendang, martabak manis, and many more. But still, Indomie is my number one comfort food. 

10. Learning to be (More) Financially Responsible

I calculate almost everything. I have an Excel file to recap my monthly expenses, compared prices from different stores, and went after discounted stuff. But I am such a weak, impulsive shopper. These past months, I went over budget. Sigh. But I am gonna be more cautious in spending money. I still need to save because I want to travel though. 

10. Closure

I went to Stockholm. I visited KTH. Sweden was my main destination to study. I applied twice to the Entrepreneurship and Innovation Management program, got accepted twice, but was rejected (also twice) by Swedish Institute. Stockholm was too big for me, everything was too far apart, as compared to Delft where everything is so close and you could get from one place to another by biking and walking at a considerably short amount of time. Plus you could always take the tram or train to Rotterdam or Den Haag to experience a bigger-city feeling.

I am super grateful that I am where I am right now. 

[terresdebrume]

Early birthday-related musing

So I mentioned not long ago that I’d probably need to do a self-reflecting birthday post at some point, and I didn’t particularly meant to make it now since there’s still two weeks left before that happens, but now I have a work thing and a bit of a click moment to share, so let’s go.

I can always make another post later on if I want to, anyway.

The work thing, which is very stupid, is that I got a (collective) email from the guy who replaced my friend Julie as the teacher’s coordinator mid-April (1). It’s nothing very big, just sharing the criteria for teachers’ inspections in the form of a self-assessment sheet, and as I looked over it in the most cursory way possible my brain went through half a dozen reasons why it sucked and was a Bad Idea, and then just as quickly found a dozen reasons why my own arguments against the sheet were bullshit.

Which was frustrating because righteous annoyance is easy to deal with...or at least easier than more nuanced things, but I suppose it’s morally better to be fair so I have to accept it or something.

Anyway, my brain went through that whole process in about two or three minutes, I wondered why the fuck the strong reaction (2) and then I realized I just didn’t want things to change. I don’t like things changing, which now that I’m thinking about it is kind of—as self realizations go, this one is actually hilariously long overdue, I think. It might...have something to do with denial. Sort of.

But anyway: I don’t like things changing.

I like when my life is mostly predictable (I am open to improvisation, but I prefer it when its stays within some parameters: you can spring a somewhat-last-minute outing on me if I know you and we’re doing something familiar, for example, but if you want to do something new I prefer to have time to brace myself) I like when things stay the same for a long time, I like when I don’t have to wonder about the state of my life and I can just know about the things that are important to me.

And when things have to change, as they do, I prefer the change to be immediate and immediately complete.

Which, you know. I feel like it explains a lot of things in my life.

That’s why I dawdled forever about getting a tattoo (I thought of it on and off from age twelve to twenty one/two) but once I’d actually made the decision I booked the appointment right away and the fear I had of it vanished entirely.

It’s why I waited long past a comfortable point to leave my parents’ house and when I did, nearly accepted a position that wouldn’t have made me happy—but also never envisioned myself moving from one country to the other on the regular. A lot of my colleagues want that—for me, it was always very clear that the only reason I’d have to move country once I settled somewhere would be if country one turned out to be a terrible fit. Luckily for me, Cambodia hasn’t, and so I’m staying for the foreseeable future.

That’s why I have taken literally zero steps toward beginning my transition (legal or medical) so far, an attitude further compounded by the fact that a) transitioning, by definition, is not a thing you can do over a couple of days, or week,s or even months, and b) I have no idea where to start. Oh, and also c) I have no idea how the people around me will react and considering I already don’t correct people on my pronouns because I don’t want to risk introducing tensions in the relationships. (3)

That is, probably, also why birthdays can be a bit...tricky.

I mean. The actual celebrations are easy and fun, even with the questions they bring—it’s the mental shift that’s hard? Because, well, there’s a change in number that doesn’t feel like that much of a change at all, though it feels like it should change something. Because, on some levels, I would like it to change some things?

Part of it is that I’ve been told, more or less implicitly, that I should want to change, that I should not be content with my routine. It was in the way my parents pushed me to reach for more or occasionally bemoaned my lack of ambition, it was in the way society romanticizes adventurous spirits in most types of narratives, it was in the way those of my uni classmates who weren’t planning to work in France often seemed to go with a ‘one year, one country’ mindset (nevermind that a bunch of them have yet to leave the first country they went to work in). When I look around me, it feels like normal people are supposed to want changes in their lives and so it feels like I should want that, too.

Another, not-at-all-insignificant part is, well, there are things I would love to change. Small things like my mastery of khmer (4) and big things like having transitioned, like knowing what I want out of life, like maybe meeting someone I could get romantic with at some point, even if my criteria and fantasies in that domain seem to be on the odd end of the spectrum (5).

I don’t know where I was going with this. I don’t like change. Most of the time it’s not a problem, I feel. Only sometimes, when I do want to change, I feel like there’s this...rigid part of me that just doesn’t know how to and consequently maybe won’t let me. Like there’s a glass wall between me and the things I’d like to do and I don’t know how to deal with it.

Sometimes, it makes me needlessly emotional, I guess.

(1) It’s not that I want to check my work emails while off the clock, it’s just that I use an email aggregator and if I take my work inbox out of it I’m never going to consult it ever again, so there’s that. At least my work emails aren’t connected to my phone.

(2) also wondered if that was a case of unchecked racism, considering the guy is from North Africa (not sure which country) but I don’t think it’s that because I tend to react the same way when the Super Boss (the equivalent of our branch manager?) introduces new things too, though I’ll need to keep an eye on the intensity of things in the future, I think.

(3) My osteopath in France once told me I wasn’t afraid of people but of what I didn’t know. I hate the thought, but I think he was probably right. It’s sad to say, but I think the fact that my father’s reaction to my coming out (the general gist of it, though not exactly the intensity of it) was so predictable actually made it easier for me to deal with it...and would make it really hard to deal with him somehow coming around.

(4) By which I mean it would be awesome fi I could just click my fingers and be fluent in khmer. I’ve forgotten what it was like to struggle to understand English and frankly, I do not miss that time at all.

(5) In my dreams, a romantic partner is first and foremost a friend, and switching from one to the other changes practically nothing in the relationship dynamics. Same things, just done with a bit of a different understanding. Then again, in my dreams, communication is easy and flows without a hitch and arguments are easily resolved so, you know, wishful thinking.

[cityonlinementor]

8.14.22 Fall Semester is almost here! Here are some end of semester/beginning of new semester tips:

End of the Semester Tips:

1.      Extend Your Course End Dates in Case of Incompletes/Emergencies:  To allow students to send you Inbox/Pronto messages or access and participate in the course material, you may want to reset your “Course End Date” to a time/day beyond the default.

*I like to do this at the beginning of the semester so I don’t forget…

Directions: From the left navigation menu: Settings – Course Details – Use the drop-down menu to change the course end – Update Settings

Cara’s Video Tutorial (1:23)

 2.      Gradebook: Enter zeroes for any student work not submitted OR from Grades select the “gear” drop-down menu, click “Treat Ungraded as 0’s” to ensure unsubmitted assignments are scored with a zero. 

Aileen’s 59 Second Video Tutorial

 3.      End of semester messages: If desired, send final messages to students to give them final feedback, next steps for future semesters, or information about which courses follow yours in the sequence if applicable

Screen shot tutorial

 4.      Backup (Export) & Download Your Canvas Course & Gradebook:

·         Cara’s Video Tutorial (4:52)

·         Cara’s Video Tutorial of just the Gradebook Export (2:16)

·         Screenshot tutorial

 5.      Download any assignment submissions you want to archive locally:

Screenshot tutorial

 6.      You may want to do the same for Quizzes or Quiz Statistics:

Quizzes, Screenshot Tutorial

Quiz Statistics, Screenshot tutorial

  Starting Fall 2022:

1.      Update your Zoom links: Any meetings created before July 1, 2022 will no longer work. Log into http://www.zoom.us or http://sdccd-edu.zoom.us

Not sure how? Dave’s Faculty Tutorial (30 min)

 2.      Develop your materials in a Canvas Development Shell: Why? Campus Solutions is evil, meaning that if for any reason the scheduler has to make a change to the course… a number, a typo, instructor name, room change etc., Campus Solutions deletes your course shell…without any warning.

How to get a Development Shell:

Call or Chat with Canvas Faculty Support at 1-844-612-7422

·         Have your 10-digit Employee ID & Course Name Ready

·         Naming convention: D-Shell-Subject-Course-Firstinitiallastname

*(Ex: For my master development shell for English 101 materials, my development shell name would be: D-SHELL-ENG-101Master-AGUM)

·         Magic Words: State that you are from the San Diego Community College District (don’t abbreviate or assume they know… they are a global company)

·         Make sure you specifically ask for a “Canvas Development Shell”

3.      Copy materials from your development shell or past courses into your new course:

Dave’s Tutorial: Copying (exporting) entire course (4:24)

Dave Giberson’s Tutorial: Copying specific, not all content from one course shell to another (2:44)

Screenshot Tutorial:

*Note: This is also a way to create a back up of your course that you can store off Canvas.

 4.      Check for broken links with the “Link Validator” in your Settings

 5.      Clean out your Inbox & Archive old messages if you want to keep them:

 6.      Optional: Customize your Course listing menu so you only see your current courses in the drop down or see them first (the default is alphabetical for up to 20 courses)

Want a “class” ? Dave’s Webinar on Getting Your Course Ready for the Next Semester (1:13:13)

 General Reminders:

All mentor messages are on a Tumblr blog so you can easily search through the list or see what had been posted if you didn’t have access to SDCCD email or are looking for a specific link.

Tumblr Blog: Copies of all Mentor Posts from me

 Useful Links You Might Want to Use or Link in Your Courses:

Canvas Community Help: If I don’t know how to do something, this is the first place I do a search. Googling your question will often bring you here.

 Canvas Video Guides: I keep a small module at the top of my courses of video guides of the most common tasks students need to do such as Discussion Board, Grades, Assignments, etc. These are very short and already captioned.

 SDCCD Online Pathways:  SDCCD Online Pathways has many different tutorials for support and information for students and faculty

Free Online Tutoring for City College Students for Hours Outside the English Center, Math Center, and Tutorial

[herdeepesthoughtsblog]

Life Lately

It’s the first Sunday of the new month, February!!! How are you doing? I hope that you, my reader is doing well in life and living at your best. Life’s good.

Idk if it’s just me, but I feel weird whenever the first day of a new month is a continuation of the week from the previous month. I’d like to treat my official start of February to be in the beginning of the week, say Sunday or Monday. In my opinion, that feels way more right. 

Overall it’s a moderate start. Did not expect quite a few job opps that I attended to anyway, but I’m feeling good because I’m starting slow and steady, finding my own rhythm. 

So let’s get straight into business! February’s first TSC and in Vol. III Lezgo!

CURRENTLY

READING: 

Emails--- or more like catching up. I’ve got quite a few unread messages and I’m not the type to leave my inbox with hundreds or thousands of unread messages (I always try to leave it to zero or not more than 20) Well, I still manually filter them because most of the emails I received are ads, promotions, social updates, and even messages from stupid websites I barely even remember I have agreed to signed on to. *Can you suggest of an email filtering app or system? Thanks!

WRITING: 

An initial draft of an article (from my freelance writing stuff) it’s due tomorrow and I’m mostly at 25% progress. 

LISTENING:

Making Love Out of Nothing at All by Air Supply. Well, I’m actually listening to this whole UV Express Playlist. Go check ‘em out!

THINKING:

Or more like hardly contemplating what to eat for dinner. I mean I’m resolving to be conscious of what I ate, turning into more greens and healthier options. Well, we do have a healthy dish tonight, but I’m craving for some noodles. Idk, even choosing what to eat is mentally exhausting! Makes me loose more brain cells. This is not right. I should limit my options and learn to eliminate then automate!

SMELLING:

My floral fruity shampoo fragrance in pink roses and berries scent. Yep, fresh from the bath it is! 

WISHING:

I’m at someplace, at the beach or any space where I’m all alone, eating my thoughts and feelings at the same time. Someplace quiet where I could feel inspiration will hit me and I won’t hear this annoying Rihanna’s S&M song from on repeat Tiktok dance (mama’s a hardcore dancer at Tiktok, I don’t even have a Tiktok account!)

HOPING:

For a fulfilling and productive week ahead. More blessings, guidance, good news, and opportunities on my way. I’m also hoping I’ll remember and live on on today’s gospel. I just streamed today’s holy mass online because I don’t feel like going out.

It was about trusting God and to remember not to be afraid. Because, God moves in mysterious ways, even the apostles are neither sure nor ready yet they learned how to trust and follow Him completely. 

I hope I can do the same. I know deep within, I love our creator, I believe in one supreme being. Yet, I’m a weak person, always succumbing to temptations. Hence, I hope I can embody today’s message and to learn how to trust more, to learn how to let go. I believe, I have done my best part, and I shall let God do his act and trust Him 100% because He knows what’s ultimately best for us. We may not understand everything or know why certain good and bad things happened, but it is what it is, right? 

You just have to take a moment, tune into your breathing, release and let go. Trust that everything is happening for a reason and is falling into the right place.

WEARING:

Nighty dress (ready to sleep!) with printed cute cat line drawing

NEEDING:

Assurance, peace of mind, solitude, silence. In material sense, I need a NEW BOOK. Buying books is much of a hobby as it is reading them.

I badly need to work on my “letting go” and “learning to trust” part. For someone with trust issues like me plus an overthinker, it’s really hard to chill and calm the train down.

I feel like time is running out, that I have tons of things to do yet, I’m not doing anything. Am I really busy or just lazy procrastinating sugarcoated as productivity?

The act of trying to completely trust and let the universe do its thing is a new feeling for me. I can’t help but to feel anxious, paralyzed by the “what-ifs”, terrified of the unknown and uncertainty. 

I’m sure I’ll be devastated if I feel like I haven’t done something or let go of an opportunity (because I don’t know how to wait patiently, or maybe I don’t know if this is what I really want, or this is the right thing for me). I’m frightened of the thought that this might end into futile efforts. But I know I need to move forward from it.

FEELING:

I’m in a cruel loophole of two step forward, only to find myself one step backward.

Last night, I had a late night convo with one of my closest friend. We initially talked about Marvel Heroes, particularly Spider-Man, (btw, I’d finished binge-watching all Spider-Man movies! My favorite is Tobey Maguire version, he’s the OG and a DILF. But I also loved the chemistry of Andrew and Emma, my heart sank when she died tragically, Gwen is better than MJ for me,--- am afraid I’m turning into a marvel hero fan! but my boyfriend and I agreed to watch and re-watch all Marvel movies in the right order of watching, so good luck with that)

So anyway, my friend and I talked about life and life back in high school. Opening up resentments is like an old wound perfectly sealed with a band-aid, but once ripped, it stings a bit, and feels fresh again.

Not too much damn hurtful, but it feels new holes are digging and opening up again. I’d really rather not reminisce the ugly parts of my high school, esp my resentments and regrets (currently working on with that) much more talk about it. But, it feels somehow still, nice because my friend and I are validating ourselves and we are on the same page, we understood each other. 

It surprised me that I shared this deepening thoughts pent-up within without harassment or judgment from the receiving line.

Right now. I’m also feeling a bit lost. I honestly don’t know what to do in this early 20s stage of my life. I can’t help but compare myself to others, wish I’m at other place, living a completely different life. I can’t help but to feel like there’s so much at my plate yet they’re intangible. I often muse about when I can live the dream life and how to get there.

How can a person know everything at 18 but nothing at 22?

I’m torn between finding the right balance of living as a responsible and matured adult vs. living as if it’s your last. How can you thrive and succeed while also enjoying every moment?

I often question myself whether I’m doing everything with the right reasons. Do I really care or do I really want this, or is this because what my family or the society or external people want from me that lives on my head?

Is this really it? Is there a powerful higher consciousness out there that knows better and is guiding me or I’m just living and listening to the voices on my head? I feel like actually living in 1984, with me as the bleak omniscient perpetrator.

Strange, but maybe I’m just hormonal.

With that, let me leave you with a photo of one of my other cat Zuko. Isn’t she adorable?

I hope your days are better and life’s treating you well.

Remember this poignant lyrics from the brilliant, Ms. Taylor Swift’s “Nothing New”

I know someday I'm gonna meet her, it's a fever dream The kind of radiance you only have at 17 She'll know the way, and then she'll say she got the map from me I'll say I'm happy for her, then I'll cry myself to sleep

Have a great week ahead! Fighting!

[tmitransitioning]

I’m not sure if you can really answer this, but any advice would be appreciated. I have a two part question.

1) I’ve been thinking about gender for a few years and, for now, have come to the conclusion that though I have zero attachment to my assigned gender and dislike my feminine name (and may want to start going by something else), I’m comfortable enough with my current state that I don’t feel the need to label myself as trans, nor do I feel like it would be “right” to do so when I compare my experiences to those of my trans friends. I suppose it’s a feeling similar to how a traditional butch might experience gender. That being said, over the past couple months I’ve realized that I would really love some of the changes that would come with going on T (lower voice, hairier, changes in fat/muscle tone, etc). Would it be okay for me to go on T as someone who’s not “”“officially”“” trans? And would a doctor ever okay that?

2) My partner of a couple years is nb, but I haven’t brought any of this up with them because I’m concerned about how it may affect their mental and emotional state. They have a number of issues with body image and mental health (including dysphoria, depression, anxiety, PTSD, BPD, and a history of disordered eating) that have improved significantly since we’ve been dating, but they don’t have the means to address any of them professionally right now. I’d like to talk with them about how I’ve been feeling about my gender bc I’d like their input and I feel that as my partner, they should know, but I don’t want to dredge up any dormant feelings of dysphoria, etc, and I definitely don’t want them to feel like I’m “copying” them or somehow invalidating their experiences by making mine comparable in any way. I likely won’t bring up the T thing as I’m worried the thought of me even considering transitioning when they are unable to would be too painful for them (plus I don’t currently have the money for it and would ultimately be okay with not transitioning), but do you have any tips on how to sensitively bring up the other stuff? “Other stuff” being general thought process, potential name change, desire for a more traditionally masculine body.

I copy/pasted this into a new post because I think that if I’d published it straight from the inbox your personal email would have been visible.

With your first question: It would definitely be okay for you to go on T, morally. You don’t need to personally label yourself as trans to have similar experiences and want similar results as people who do. This is also not uncommon for butch people to experience—we have a pretty long history of experiences that could be labelled trans or “trans-adjacent” without necessarily identifying as such.

You may experience barriers to this in healthcare, though. This is an area of experience poorly understood by doctors, even ones who are reasonably well educated in trans issues. I don’t think it’s completely out of the question that a doctor would okay it, but you may find it necessary to “spin” your experiences to fit a transmasculine or nonbinary narrative in order to make doctors understand your desire for T. This doesn’t mean lying (though some people need to do that if their doctors, for example, don’t believe nb people are real), it means describing things in ways that are consistent with the diagnostic criteria for gender dysphoria. While trans people know that euphoria (used here to describe simply good feelings in a presentation you want) is a real indicator of need whether or not you id as trans specifically, you may find it necessary to describe your motivation in terms of things you dislike. Ex: if a lower voice is something that would bring you euphoria, the inverse of that is describing how having a higher voice distresses you, and never felt “right”, and is a barrier for you socially or emotionally.

For your second question: This is delicate, and I’ll preface it with a disclaimer that I tend towards the emotional subtlety of an ox. I also have paranoia responses where I believe that people’s actions are in some way caused by or in response to me even when they are not. Your partner’s emotions are very real to them. It would also be unfair to you to have to suppress an important part of your identity in response.

It may be beneficial, depending on the dynamics of your relationship, to phrase it much like you phrased it to us—you articulated your thought processes very well here, with clear indication that you’ve thought about this in both a personal and social context. Could you outline your thoughts to them in the same way? You cannot prepare for every potential emotional reaction they have, but you can bring it to them in a way that lets them know you value them enough to share something very personal to you and ask for their input on it.

Your side of this equation is disclosing what you’re comfortable with and involving them as much as you want to in the thought processes; their side is evaluating their emotional responses to understand what’s rational versus irrational, and reacting appropriately for the situation. In this case, the hypothetical irrational and probable kneejerk response would be that you’re “copying” them, and the rational one to replace it would be that you’re not and that your experiences are by definition different from theirs because you’re a different person. You can articulate things very well, but the bulk of the work of responding is on them, not you. This is difficult to talk about with people close to you, but the purpose of disclosure is for you both to become closer, and those people should consciously respond by hearing, understanding, and accepting your position.

- Mod Wolf