#i also just like can’t breathe thru my nose at all today :[ which is helping me sleep lmao

[kuiinncedes]

.😎

[readinginthereadyroom]

it’s the queen’s gambit job (lev 4x10) and they are sitting around a table in mcrory’s eating takeout. running down the con.

and nate’s last minute addition of salt to parker’s equipment wasn’t plan b. no, it was plan m.

which is the plan hardison usually dies in. that is if he hasn’t already died in plans c, f, or m thru q. which hardison is VERY concerned about. after all that’s like 27% of the time. it’s a little too close to home.

eliot and parker don’t die in any plans, tho eliot could be permanently disfigured and blinded in one.

nate DOES NOT ANSWER for sophie.

so they are bickering and being found family (and seriously hoping this is just nate messing with them) and parker proposes a toast. to a glass eye.

and I am gonna headcanon that this becomes a kinda inside code. maybe not plan m, but bad. tho the level of bad is never discussed. after all it’s just a joke. right?

so it’s years later and parker’s the mastermind. she regularly assures hardison that there is no plan m. it’s not even in her alphabet. eliot teases her that her plans span different languages. hardison mutters about binary code and quadratic equations. there’s no m in cuniform, right?

and most the time their cons go off without a hitch. parker’s good like that. the best. her plans are like ballets spun between rotating laser beams. both planned to the smallest movement and completely on the fly. set to violin symphanies, country ballads, and christmas carols.

but sometimes the cons go wrong. eliot gets injured. hardison can’t hack the code. she gets trapped inside a building. and sometimes the cons go wrong bad. sometimes it gets bloody.

that’s when they say it. the first time was eliot. he’d been fighting with the mark’s security goons when the gunshot had rung out over the comms. followed by a grunt of pain and the sound of a body hitting the floor. then a terrible silence. parker hates that she knows what it means.

she flips around in the air duct. barely manages to keep her voice low. the cons over. I’m coming to you eliot. the only sound on the comms is the clack of hardison’s lightspeed typing. a buzzing static. do you hear me eliot? I’m coming to get you.

eliot? hardison’s voice sounds so small. that’s when parker remembers that they’d hacked the cctv footage. hardison had seen the whole thing. I-- he-- hardison stutters before rushing out he’s been shot. it’s bad. you got to get to him parker and you got to get to him. now. 

eliot’s gruff drawl interrupts them. I think this might be a glass eye scenario, sweethearts.

hardison’s typing never falters, but his breath hitches over the comms and his voice is strangled—like he swallowed his soda wrong—when he tells eliot to shut up, I am trying to save your ass. you already look mean enough without any damn glass eye.

it’s classic hardison. talking right over all his internal fears. trying to manifest his words into being. eliot’s huff of laughter tho. it’s strained but it’s also the most beautiful thing she’s ever heard.  

parker’s still in the air vent. she’s moving as fast as she can without rattling the ducts. she whispers into her comms. you should have hardison make it bionic. put a laser in it. and after dealing with a tricky corner dip, also it should be green.

more pained laughter, followed by a groan. my eyes are blue, parker. then hardison’s, guess we’ll just have to save you then. keep you from going all 6 million dollar-terminator-borg on us. keep your baby blues blue. parker smiles. she knows her boys. knew they always focus better when they are bickering.

and in the end it’s okay. parker gets to eliot with the first aid kit and patches him up. hardison hijacks them an elevator and they get out safely. eliot’s glass eye is evaded.

the next time it’s hardison. he’s snatched from lucille 5—right out from under their noses. they can hear his squawk of surprise over the comms. the shuffle of bodies and the distinct sounds of fists hitting flesh.

eliot growls deep and menacingly. parker can hear him instantly switch gears—from grifting the mark to protecting the team. his heavy footfalls are followed by offended protestations as he knocks people out of his way. the con is blown but parker doesn’t care.

because there’s snow fizzing in one ear and a polite automated error message in the other telling her all she needs to know. hardison’s gone. taken.

it’s an excruciating 28 hrs later when a text message from an unknown number chimes thru on parker’s backup burner phone. it’s only two words: glass eye.

parker sidles right up to eliot. bumps their shoulders together and shows him the message. it’s hardison. we can track his location if we move quick.

good. eliot’s voice drops from it’s usual honeyed whiskey to bloody gravel. it always does when he’s in hitter mode. tell me where he is. I swear if they’ve hurt him I’ll rip their lungs out. parker nods, hardison’s spare laptop already open on her lap. I’ll help.

hardison’s in bad shape when they find him. but not as bad as his captors once eliot’s thru with them. they’re on the highway speeding toward a hospital when hardison finally opens his eyes. parker can see him smile up at eliot in the rearview mirror before he glances up at her.

it’s my peoples. knew you’d come get me. eliot uses a corner of his bandana to wipe the blood away from hardison’s face. course we did, alec. can’t have you getting any glass eyes. wouldn’t suit you. eliot leans down and stage whispers in his ear, his voice warm and smooth again, you’re not nearly badass enough.

hardison sputters in outrage and parker lets out the breath she didn’t know she was holding. drops the hard line of her shoulders. lets up on the gas. if her boys are bickering then she knows everything is going to be okay.

hardison will be okay. they will be okay. no glass eyes today.

and eventually it’s parker’s turn. it’s not even a proper job—she’s scaling an elevator shaft for recon when a support gives way. and it’s silly. she’s fallen 3 floors and her leg is definitely broken. and she can hear eliot’s voice in her ear saying it was a very distinctive crunch but all she can think is that this is her glass eye.

she must’ve said that out loud because hardison is babbling on about scars and lasers and talking about numbers. seven and nine what? she vaguely thinks it might be some sort of new concussion protocol tho she can’t quite focus enough to make it make sense.

something warm and wet is pooling under her cheek, blocking her vision. oh and that’s it, isn’t it? hardison’s still muttering under his breath and eliot is grunting her name over the comms. c’mon parker you gotta talk to me! I’m coming to get you dammit but you gotta talk. to. me.

can I have a snowglobe in my glass eye? hardison sputters before stuttering—woman I swear you will be the death of me. and she thinks he sounds a little bit relieved. but it doesn’t stop his voice from warbling when he asks, you okay mama?

parker lifts her face out of the tacky puddle it’s in, starts to nod and then immediately throws up. she can’t focus. eliot’s don’t move parker, you have a concussion is followed by a sympathy gag from hardison.

her head is throbbing and her leg feels like it’s on fire. but she can hear her boys breathing over the comms. can hear them cajole her to talk more. they’re coming to get her.

but they’re not bickering. and that feels wrong. that feels wrong bad.

and then there’s a metal scraping sound as the elevator doors above her are pried open. light floods the shaft and parker blinks into it. I can see you she whispers. and she can. they are silhouetted in a rectangle of light above her.

and then they are setting up ropes and climbing down toward her. just like she taught them. and it’s kinda beautiful. even if it’s plan m and a glass eye. I think I broke the pretzels.

when she wakes up it’s two weeks later and she’s hooked up to a hospital bed. her left leg is in a cast and her arms are covered in bruises and rope burn. there’s a bandage blocking half her vision.

but then she sees eliot. he’s asleep in a chair next to the bed, his hand wrapped gently around hers and his head resting on hardison’s shoulder. he looks exhausted. his hair is frizzy and he hasn’t shaved. hardison doesn’t look much better. his mouth is open and he’s half snoring. his clothes are dark and rumpled.

she smiles. she’s always enjoyed catching her boys like this—soft and quiet and together. it’s the next best thing to hearing them bicker.

that’s when she sees it. a sparkle of light, almost like a diamond, on the medical cart between them. nestled in a padded velvet box is a glass eye.

[iamanartichoke]

I started typing this in the tags of this post, and it got too long, and then I was going to just reblog the post with this as an addition but that got too long too, and I've been meaning to make a post addressing free will vs. predestination since the premiere anyway, so - here we go. Spoilers, obviously.

Cut for length and spoilers. Please blacklist #loki tv series spoilers, #loki series spoilers, and #loki spoilers.

This is kinda rough and I'm not sure it actually makes any sense but I'm posting it anyway.

I realize that the post is a joke, obviously (and it is hilarious) but I started thinking about the implications and couldn't stop because it's honestly a goldmine of existential reflection and an inevitable crisis or three.

Let's look at a scenario.

Say you're late to work for reasons totally beyond your control: your neighbor stopped you to ask a question on your way out the door; you swung through the drive-thru for a quick coffee but the person in front of you is ordering a full continental breakfast ffs (this happened to me this morning); there was an explosion and then the Winter Soldier randomly dropped from the sky and landed on the hood of your car. Whatever. Shit happens.

So you're late, but on this particular day, your lateness somehow has consequences that lead to and create a nexus event and the next thing you know, you're being arrested, tried, convicted of time crimes and ultimately (a version of you is) erased from existence.

And this is if it's not even your fault you're late.

Now say that you're late and it is your fault. You took a new route on a whim and drove a little more slowly because you passed a particularly pretty meadow; you hit the brakes at a yellow light instead of speeding through bc you wanted the quick chance to check your email; you sat in your car for a few extra minutes in the parking lot, because maybe your job sucks and you really needed those extra minutes today to psyche yourself up into getting out of the car and going inside and clocking in.

These little choices are you exercising your free will. Because to me, free will is all or nothing - it doesn't just apply to the big decisions.

On the other hand, predestination means that regardless of the choices you make or if it's a big decision or not, everything you do is ultimately going to lead you to a set point or position or place (your destiny).

And I can kind of look at it like a GPS - that is, there are a number of "insignificant" choices you could make and they will still lead you to where you're predestined to go. Like how a GPS will reconfigure your route if you miss your exit on the highway. It doesn't matter if you took Route A or Route B, you're still going to end up at your destination.

But say sometimes the route does matter. Say that there are certain scenarios in which there's only one road (for example, 14 million losses vs 1 win) and you can only get on it by following a specific series of events and what determines the ultimate outcome is whether or not you're late to work that day.

If you decide to wait those extra five minutes in the parking lot, that means that you weren't in your cubicle at 9:03 when Stanley from Accounting wandered by with his giant stack of papers, and when Mary Sue said hello to him, he got distracted and tried to wave and ended up dropping those papers. Had you been at your cubicle, you'd have swooped down to help him but since you weren't there, Stanley is crouched on the floor alone and doesn't notice Joe coming at him with a paper trolley so when he stands up, he and Joe collide and Stanley loses his balance and goes face-first toward the trolley and breaks his nose when he hits the metal handle on his way down.

Now Stanley has to go to the hospital to get his nose set because you wanted to sit in your car and spend five extra minutes hating your life that morning.

If the sacred timeline says that Stanley is supposed to be in that ER at that specific time on that specific day, and no other set of circumstances would get him there, because this will ultimately take Stanley down the road to whatever greater journey he's supposed to go on, then it has to happen. But say you exercise your free will and decide not to wait those five minutes, because the free will applies to every choice you make, even the tiny, insignificant ones. You chose to put on your big person pants and took a deep breath and just head inside - and because you chose to do that and because you were at your cubicle to help Stanley with his papers, Stanley never ends up in the ER and the timeline that's supposed to happen is suddenly at risk and the TVA has to get involved (I assume).

So having free will introduces way, way too many variables into a fixed timeline to ever keep track, because you're taking these tiny, seemingly insignificant choices that people are making every minute of every day, and you're multiplying them by trillions of sentient beings in the universe, and you're saying the fate of the timeline and reality itself depends on all of these beings either always making the choice they're supposed to make or constantly sending the TVA out whenever they don't.

It's fair to conclude, then, that both free will and a fixed, single timeline can't exist at the same time. Either you adhere to the fixed timeline and everyone does exactly what they're supposed to do every second of every minute of existence, or you have free will and autonomy over all of your decisions, no matter how big or small, and those decisions can result in a number of outcomes, ultimately leading you to one of several possible destinations.

Case in point: Tony didn't have to snap his fingers in Endgame. He chose to. Had he not, Thanos would have won. It doesn't matter if there was one way to victory or 14 million ways to failure; the timeline could ultimately only go one of two ways and the choice Tony willingly made determined that Thanos lost. It wasn't predetermined because if Tony had not chosen to snap his fingers, the timeline would have gone the other way.

My personal belief - and this isn't necessarily for the MCU, but in general - is that we do possess free will and the future is ever shifting and changing because nothing is written in stone. It holds up against most, if not all, of the world's belief systems. For example, if you believe that people have guardian angels, the rule is generally that your guardian angels can help you but you have to ask them; they can't decide to intervene without your permission because to do so would infringe upon your free will.

Similarly, you can go on etsy and pay $5 for a funsies psychic reading or pay a lot more money for an in-depth, specific tarot reading and both will tell you that the outcomes may change depending on the paths you take, and that their ultimate advice is for you to keep your focus on your goals and your own self so that you can be subconsciously manifesting the best possible future for yourself. (Not that I know this from experience. It was one time. It was a few times. My point stands, and also stop judging me.)

To get back to the MCU, though - if you determine that both a single, fixed timeline and free will can't simultaneously exist, and your ultimate purpose is upholding said timeline and not letting anyone fuck it up, lest it break off into lots of different branches, then it poses a pretty serious moral and/or ethical question of - who decides what choices we make and what paths we're destined for? The time lizards? Who gave them that authority? Did anyone, or did they just manifest themselves into existence one day, create the universe, and then decide all of the rules (and, if so, where does that leave the norns and the gods and other super powerful beings who are generally thought to be in charge of things)?

If free will doesn't exist and everyone is acting based on what has been predetermined for them by some higher being (or, in this case, time lizards), it takes away our autonomy, and if everything we do and every single tiny step we take is decided for us, what makes us any different than cogs in a machine just following orders? What separates us from robots?

Speaking of robots, it's interesting to me that the TVA's screening process (if you can call it that) has a failsafe against robots specifically. Any robot that might come through is destroyed immediately and in this case, “not a robot” is defined, more or less, as a sentient being that possesses a soul. What does the TVA have against robots if their ultimate goal is ensuring that the robotic machinations of the time lizards are consistently carried out to protect the sacred timeline?

A soul makes you human; the energy of the soul is what you, at the core, are. It can be assumed that having a soul also means that you have some sort of moral and ethical code by which you live your life but, if you don't also have free will, then what is the point of possessing a soul and a moral and ethical code?

Loki is a villain and he's told by Mobius, the TVA, Odin, and pretty much everyone who ever meets him that the only thing he's good for - the only reason he exists - is to cause pain and suffering and death. This has been predetermined for him; this is not his fault and he did not choose it. And every single choice he makes has either already been destined as the choice he was supposed to make, or will be pruned so it won't grow into the wrong timeline. Ultimately Loki can change neither his final destination, nor the purpose and meaning of his existence.

Which leads me to the theory that the several Loki variants that the TVA keeps coming across are the result of Loki consistently resisting against his predetermined path; he's trying to find the timeline where he is able to latch onto and keep his own free will in defiance of the timekeepers but, so far, he hasn't been successful. This could segue into why the current Variant is now going scorched earth and just obliterating the main timeline completely - because if there is no sacred timeline, there's nothing dictating who or what Loki can be, and free will is regained. If there's a multiverse that branches and branches beyond anyone's control, then there must be a branch in there, somewhere, where Loki can exist on his own terms and decide how his own story goes.

This also might be a theory for why Loki is already setting his sights on taking over the TVA (assuming that's not just something he told the variant for reasons). But my original point in delving into all this is to ask: if Loki is predestined to always be a villain whose story plays out exactly the same way because that's what's supposed to happen, then how can anyone ever hold his misdeeds against him? He's literally just existing as the timekeepers decided he would exist and everyone is blaming him for it.

And this leads me to ask, as well, if one's soul is generally good, and one possesses more good traits than bad, what is the logic in making them exist only for pain and destruction? If it's for a greater good, then it stands to reason Loki is not the only one predestined for misery, and what greater good could come from all that suffering?

Conclusion: the existence of the TVA as an organization means that there is one fixed, sacred timeline but the existence of said timeline is immoral and unethical because it means no one actually has any free will at all in the MCU. The very notion of heroes and villains is pointless because it has nothing to do with your own qualities or morality, it's literally the luck of the draw. In order to have free will, the sacred timeline has to be destroyed, and so my prediction is that the Big Bad of the Loki series is not the TVA and not the time keepers but the actual timeline itself, and the entire fate of the MCU rests on whether or not Loki can ultimately succeed.

Also, don't be late for work.

[girlmeetsliv3]

Lilies of the Valley X

A/B/O!BTS x Reader

Flowers can have different meanings depending on the flower shape, color, and method in which they are presented. Lilies are my favorite for such a simple flower can have so many distinct meanings.

 “Flower essences encourage gentleness and nurturing. And can also calm an overly aggressive person. However, some have the opposite effects.”

Release Date: 06/19/20 @  7 pm

previously ~ next

           YN couldn’t remember the last time she had a check-up. It must’ve been right before she presented when her physician had explained to her, that everything pointed to her sub-gender being an Omega and not a beta. Granted there had been little time for her to dwell on it with her parents outside the door, but it didn’t make for a favorable experience. Her suppressants hadn’t been handled by a doctor, but rather a nurse in a quick drive-thru clinic for which she had to pay $15 every month. Considering how reckless YN had been she went through the suppressants a lot quicker than she should, but no one ever asked any questions.

           The place she was at now was a lot nicer and even had some omegas as nurses which YN hadn’t seen much of. The nurse had asked Hoseok and Namjoon to stay outside for privacy reasons and the alphas had encouraged YN to contact them if she needed anything. Now all YN could do was wait. For what she wasn’t too sure, but a health check-up couldn’t hurt. Her phone served as a distractor, as did Rosé:

           Rosé: Long time no see…

           YN: Sorry I’ve been mia lately. I’ve missed you.

           Rosé: I’ve missed you too. Also, you’ve missed so much

           Rosé: I met someone!

           YN: Who??

           Rosé: He’s a beta. A nice beta. I just kinda ran into him one day and we started talking. Isn’t it amazing?!

           YN: Yeah, that’s great.

           YN locked her phone screen and glanced around the room. On the door, there were the typical pamphlets one would expect all ranging from various topics: sub-genders, presenting, mating, and starting a family. Maybe she should’ve felt something when she looked at them, but YN didn’t feel anything. Not anger or disgust. Not happiness or excitement. It was still far too early in their relationship to consider any of those things. Can it even be considered a relationship? The men were much more invested in it than she was, but then again that was to be expected. They shared a pack bond and YN had only recently started warming herself up to the idea of being with them. It wasn’t like she had much of a choice in the matter, but at least she was thankful the seven of them weren’t pressuring her into anything. Even if they were rushing a bit.

           The door opened to a nice-looking woman wearing a lab coat, on the pocket was embroidered: Dr. Jun. “Hello, nice to meet you. I’m Dr. Hyoseong Jun.” YN felt herself relax at the warm aura that seemed to surround the woman. “I’m YN. It’s nice to meet you too.” The doctor outstretched her hand and YN shook it. Jun motioned for YN to lay on the exam table and went through the procedural check-up before motioning YN to sit back up. Once YN was comfortable, the doctor took a seat in her chair, attention fully on YN.

           “So, what’s the reason for today’s visit?”

           Oh. YN didn’t exactly know, but she took her best guess. “I had a bad heat and wanted to see if I could change my suppressants.”

           Dr. Jun nodded, focusing her attention on the computer. “Have you ever had a bad heat before this?”

           YN swallowed, unsure of how to proceed. Rosé had warned her not to hide these things anymore, but YN was afraid of how people would react. Then, again this was a doctor and confidentiality did exist. “I haven’t had a heat since I presented.”

           “Oh?” This caught the doctor’s attention. “Is it something biological? Are you irregular in your heats?”

           “Um, no.” YN shook her head, taking a deep breath before speaking again. “I just took my suppressants so I wouldn’t have a heat.”

           If anything, the doctor seemed even more perplexed at YN’s explanation. “Does your mate know about this?”

           “No, I wasn’t with them. My mates have a pack bond and one of the alphas bit me during our first heat so-”

           “The lead alpha, correct?”

           YN felt time stop, her words dying on her tongue. “No. It was the youngest. We both presented at the same time and he accidentally bit me.”

           Dr. Jun nodded, “Yes, but did you share the heat with the other members?”

           YN scratched her head, the memories of her first heat were kind of muddled. YN did remember the other’s being there, but not participating in it. “They were there, but Jungkook is the one that bit me.” Seeing the doctor’s confused expression caused panic to swirl in the pit of YN’s stomach. “I was told that the bite of an alpha doesn’t heal.” Dr. Jun shook her head. “That’s only true if the mating bond is completed. Did you complete yours?” Dr. Jun had stood up at this point and was walking towards YN. Noticing her panicked expression and the slight shaking of her hands. “N-no.” A million thoughts were bouncing around in YN’s head as she tried to comprehend what exactly the doctor was implying.

           “Only a lead alpha’s bite can’t be healed. If that applied to regular alphas there would be a bunch of mated teenagers running around. I’m sorry, YN but I have no reason to lie to you.”

           No, that can’t be true. It couldn’t possibly be. If it were true then that would mean Namjoon bit her. It would mean Jungkook was innocent. It would mean…

           “It wasn’t an accident.”

           Kim Namjoon was an anomaly. Born to two alphas his birth had been a challenging one: his mother barely surviving it and Namjoon being born two weeks premature. It was a miracle his mother had even conceived, but with the help of hormonal treatments, they had just barely managed. Still, he was a strong child and exceptionally bright. The pros of having two parents of the dominant sub-gender or so he’d been told growing up. None of those things mattered to him though because Namjoon always felt incomplete. Like a part of him was missing and it haunted him. Nothing ever satisfied him because he had no one to share it with.

           His parents encouraged him to make friends and even develop crushes, but it was useless. No one was ever up to par with his expectations - no one felt genuine. Eventually, Namjoon learned the hard way that self-isolation at a young age could have devastating consequences and made him an easy target. Not just among his peers but family members as well. Many found Namjoon to be unnatural - alphas should not be together, much like omegas shouldn’t - his family looked for every reason to pick him apart and by extension his parents. Namjoon felt that was a ridiculous stance in general: sub-genders shouldn’t determine who you’re allowed to be with. However, these were unpopular opinions and not ones he could voice as a child without extreme repercussions.

           Namjoon kept his head down and avoided people, having few friends, and closing himself off until his eleventh birthday. That was the day Namjoon presented. Alphas didn’t typically present at such a young age, but he’d always been peculiar that day. It wasn’t until he was taken to the doctor and given suppressants that Namjoon finally understood why he was the way he was.

           "He must be a lead alpha. Only lead alphas present at such a young age." The doctor had spoken to his parents outside, unaware that Namjoon had his ear pressed to the door. "It means your son likely carries the pack bond. He'll have multiple mates and will be able to sense them." Namjoon had been so shocked at that statement, he merely fell when the door opened. The second he got home he researched everything he could on pack bonds and how they worked. It might not be the case, as it was extremely rare, but it didn't hurt to hope. That was the one prevalent emotion that filled Namjoon: hope. He didn't know why, but it just made sense to him. He wouldn't simply find a mate like everyone else - no they were destined.

          Being so rare there was limited information about it. Most of it is pure speculation as most individuals with a pack bond weren't open to sharing their experiences online or those that did claim provided little proof. It didn't really matter as it would be just two weeks later on the first day of school that Namjoon would feel it: the smell, pull, tug that innate feeling that drove him away from his parents and towards the center of the large crowd. Standing there with an old grey hoodie and scruffed converse was Min Yoongi. Namjoon's nose immediately picked up on the light scent of myrrh coming from him and a thought popped into his head. Beta? Though that was impossible as it looked like Yoongi hadn't presented yet, still, something inside Namjoon knew.

           It seemed Yoongi was on edge, but the second their eyes met the elder rushed towards Namjoon embracing him in a hug. “I’ve been looking for you everywhere.” It left both their lips simultaneously and both seemed shocked until Yoongi laughed it off. “I’m Min Yoongi. Nice to meet you, mate.” Namjoon had never felt happier.

           There was still an ache there, a craving, but Namjoon ignored it for the most part. Then, he felt it again. The pull. The need. Namjoon had stayed late after school working on a project when the soft thumps coming from the dance room caught his attention. Now had he been thinking logically, he might have noticed Namjoon was too far away from the dance room to possibly be able to hear music. But he did and so Namjoon followed the sound towards the room and towards Jung Hoseok. Who froze mid-step the second Namjoon threw the door open, there meeting was a bit different: instead of rushing to meet him Hoseok simply stood shocked. As seconds turned into minutes, the only words that escaped Hoseok where “the fuck.” Before rushing to meet Namjoon and nearly causing him to fall.

           The second they embraced Namjoon’s nose rubbed against Hoseok’s neck and he felt a strong citrus scent. Alpha. Was his immediate thought, but he didn’t share it with Hoseok too caught up in the moment.

            Slowly Namjoon began to meet his mates: Seokjin, Jimin, Taehyung, and Jungkook. All of them experiencing the same reaction upon meeting him and once they meet each other the connection only strengthened. The group stayed together for seven years and it was easy too considering the school they attended housed an elementary, middle, and high. Despite them knowing what they were to each other they simply remained close friends. Best friends. At least until Jungkook entered High school. By then most of them had presented and Namjoon's hunches had been correct. Still, something unnerved him and the others, though they would never directly mention it, they weren't complete.

           It was as if they had all spent years building an elaborate puzzle only for the final piece to be missing. It became increasingly frustrating and Namjoon felt the most guilty as no matter how hard he searched, nothing provided him with answers. It was two years of searching by him and the others, yet there had been nothing. No instantaneous connection. No pull or need. They were beyond content with each other but never satisfied. By then news had already spread that the group were mates and shared a pack bond, which didn't make their search any easier. It's a bit ironic how fate strikes. Or maybe it's cruel. Namjoon would argue it's both. For when the group stopped searching is when they found their missing piece.

          Namjoon was in his senior year, Seokjin and Yoongi had already graduated but since they all lived together it impacted their relationship very little.

          “Don’t overexert yourself.” Jimin stood in front of Jungkook, scolding him after the latter had practically collapsed once the relay was over.

          “But hyung we won. That’s what’s important.” The youngest pouted adorably and Namjoon had to resist every urge to tease him about it. It didn’t really matter because someone would always do it for him.

         “Aw. Jungkookie you’re so cute.” Taehyung spoke, ruffling Jungkooks hair. Soon enough the three of them began bickering between themselves.

         Namjoon looked over the crowd trying to find Hoseok, who had left to bring them all snacks before their next game. It was sports day and in Yeong-gwang that meant another way to prove their superiority among other schools. Namjoon, despite his build, was never the athletic type but most of his mates were so they were drafted by the school to compete. He wasn’t going to complain since it meant he got to skip the dreaded clean up since Namjoon was technically a volunteer. By technically, it meant he got special perks because 4/6 of his mates competed and their families were the school’s biggest beneficiaries.

        “Namjoon.” Taehyung stood in front of him, brows scrunched up. “I’ve been calling you for like ten minutes.”

        Namjoon shrugged apologetically. “Sorry, I was distracted.” He ignored the fact that Taehyung hadn’t used honorifics figuring he’d punish him for it later.

       “Please go find Hobi-hyung. We’re about to start soon.”

           Hoseok was likely in the refreshments section were there currently stood a large crowd of people from his school and those visiting. However, Namjoon didn't head over there preferring instead to take a long way and pass through the lily garden. It was the school's pride and joy, one of the largest privately-owned collections in the country. Most of the students didn't really care for it, but all of them respected it. Sometimes kids from other schools tried to sneak in and vandalize it, but it was only accessible through a key card or a code: one every student had. Namjoon didn't know what led him to the garden only that he had a strong urge to see it.  

           It was when he saw the gate unlocked and the door opened that he panicked a bit. Rushing inside to make sure no one had sneaked in - then he saw her. She wore the school’s uniform with a denim jacket on top. A red sash with the words ‘volunteer’ draped across her body. Namjoon’s heart began to race as his eyes began to water. Finally, he’d found her. The missing piece. His last mate. Slowly, she turned around facing Namjoon with a confused expression. There was a hint of recognition in her eyes and Namjoon expected that any moment now she would run and embrace him. Tell him how she had longed for him and the others the way they had for her.

           “Excuse me. Why did you lock the gate?”

           Namjoon was taken aback, struggling to get any words out. “What?” She marched towards him, but instead of running into his arms she sidestepped and went around him. Opening the gates back up and leaving. Namjoon stood still for a moment or two before he gave chase. He tried to be inconspicuous but knew it likely didn’t seem that way from an outside perspective.

           “YN! There you are.” A group of girls reached her before Namjoon could, embracing her and pulling her away. The slight action caused a hint of her scent to reach him, lilies consuming his senses as another thought prevailed. Omega.

           “Are you certain?”

           “I saw her, hyung.”

           “And she didn’t react?!”

           “No. She just walked past me.”

           “Did you at least get her name, hyungie.”

           “YN. She must be around Jungkook’s age.”

           Silence surrounded all of them back in their small apartment. Namjoon ran his hands through his hair, feeling frustrated. Seokjin felt conflicted at everything that was happening. Namjoon had never been wrong, but YN’s lack of reaction would imply that he was. Maybe she simply knew their mate or spent a long time around them and that is why Namjoon picked up the scent. Then again that seemed like too much of a stretch. Yoongi thought about everything, what were the odds that their mate would be right there in front of them the entire time. Then again, they had all been in the same place and it hadn’t been until Namjoon presented that they’d felt it. Still, Yoongi had felt the bond long before he presented.

           “What is she?”

           Namjoon turned to face Yoongi, “What do you mean?” He knew exactly what Yoongi meant, but wasn’t sure if he should share that kind of information.

           “What is her sub-gender?” Yoongi persisted, trying to grasp if that played a role in it. Maybe she was an alpha and just didn’t pick up Namjoon’s scent. Perhaps she’d recently presented -

           “She’s an omega,” Namjoon muttered seeing the way their expression shifted. No one they knew was an omega or at the very least no one in the school had yet to present as one. Given the difficulties, omegas often faced it would be difficult for someone from an omega family to be able to enter their school. Not to mention how difficult pure omegas were to come by. “She hasn’t presented yet.”

           Hoseok who had remained quiet thus far spoke out, fully aware that his words might only worsen the situation. “I’ve never heard of an omega in a pack bond.” At this Namjoon became frustrated, “Do you think I’m lying?!” Jimin rushed to comfort him. “No. That’s not it. We’re all just confused, maybe there’s someone who could provide us with answers.” Namjoon had someone in mind but wasn’t sure if they would help at all. Seokjin cleared his throat drawing all their attention, “That’s all fine and well but we should meet her first, no?”

           “Excuse me, YN!” YN turned around to see a much taller boy running to her at full speed. Once he reached her, he stopped and smiled. “Sorry. You’re YN, right? Kevin sent me to get you because you forgot to put your student id in the volunteer form so they can’t give you the hours.” YN’s weight shifted on her feet, “Oh. Um, how did you find me then?” The boy kept smiling, but there was a bit of an edge to it now. “You wrote down your fifth period and Kevin described you to me.” YN was still hesitant to give a random stranger her student id, even if he did look harmless enough and had an office pass.

           “Look, I know this looks sketchy and normally we’d just contact the teacher but Professor Wei isn’t answering his phone and their inputting the hours today.” YN sighed, that did sound like something Wei would do. “Alright, do you have somewhere for me to write it down?” The boy grinned and for a brief moment, YN thought about how adorable the smile was. Almost bunny-like.

           “It’s her.”

           “I told you so.”

           “I can’t believe we actually found her.”

           “We can finally be complete now.”

           “...but why didn’t she react with Kookie either?”

           “Maybe it has something to do with her being an omega? Maybe she’ll feel the bond once she presents.”

           “So we wait, then? That doesn’t feel right.”

           “No, we can still get close to her we just don’t announce our intentions outright.”

           Namjoon agreed, “Eventually she’ll feel the bond. She’ll come to us and everything will be made right.”

           Dr. Kang looked down at the seven men who had all crowded into his study. Kang had become a sort of confidant for Namjoon ever since he presented. Being a professor in sub-gender studies and specializing in mythology caused Namjoon’s parents to seek him out in an effort to aid their son. Though the nature of their relationship was meant to be purely transactional, Kang did eventually develop a soft spot for the boy. One not born out of mere scientific interest. Kang had been there when Namjoon had met all the others and though never directly meeting them, he knew of them. Knew enough. Enough to know that the pack bond couldn’t be completed as they had yet to find their last mate. Unfortunately, it seems it would never be completed.

           “I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but omegas can’t have a pack bond.” The look in all seven of their eyes, made Kang feel as if he had just plunged a spear through their heart. “But I felt it. We all did.” Namjoon insisted and Kang had to agree. “That may very well be true, but it is impossible for an omega to feel the bond. It isn’t biologically possible, at least not in any text that I’ve seen.” They all remained silent, letting the information sink in. Kang felt pity for them all, he truly did. Pack bonds were a rarity and beauty. To be left without a mate all the while knowing who they are must damage one’s soul. Not to mention psyche.

           “What do you mean it’s not biologically possible,” Jungkook questioned, his hands fisting the dark material of his jeans.

           “Well,” Kang cast a look around his office searching for the specific book he had in mind. “All omegas are pack omegas. Legends tell us this is from a time before alphas could breed with each other and beta pregnancies were risky. Male omegas were also high in abundance, so all omegas were forced to mate in order to ensure the survival of the pack.” In Kang’s opinion, it was little more than a glorified abuse tale, but it did help to explain the situation. “Due to this omegas didn’t typically mate. So, the pack bond didn’t truly apply to them.” Kang sighed, “Obviously, omegas can mate. It affects them the way it would any other sub-gender, but since there is no historical evidence of omegas experiencing the pack bond it’s best to assume it is impossible.”

           “So what then?” Taehyung asked, clearly agitated. “She won’t recognize us?! She won’t want to be with us?!”

           Dr. Kang shook his head, “Not unless it’s of her own merit. If you can convince her to be with you, then you all can mate and the pack bond will be complete.”

           “And if not?” Namjoon raised his head out of his hands. His voice deep and eyes hollowed. Kang was aware it wasn’t directed at him, but it was terrifying nonetheless.

           “Then she will present, meet, and mate with someone else. There’s nothing you can do about it. The law will only allow the breaking of a mating bond if it is consensual.”

           Dr. Jun reached over hesitantly and touched YN’s shaking hands. “Are you alright?” YN was unable to answer. Instead, she shook her head hoping the doctor would understand. “I see. Do you want me to go get your mates?” No! YN’s hands latched onto Jun’s not letting her go any farther. “I’m sorry if anything I said scared you, YN. That was not my intent. There are a few questions, I would like to ask you, however.” There was a knock on the door, an urgent one, and YN froze in fear. Tentatively June excused herself, heading towards the door. It was the omega nurse looking visibly anxious.

           “I’m sorry to bother, but your next patient is here and it’s an emergency. Something wrong with the baby.”

           Dr. Jun gasped, “Oh dear. Alright, I will be there soon.” The door closed and Jun turned to face YN. “I’m so sorry dear. I’m afraid I have to cut this a bit short.”

           “I understand. Thank you for your time.” The response just slipped out, YN not having put too much thought into it.

           “I’ll get you off suppressants and ask for your alphas to be put on rutters. Be sure to schedule an appointment if your heat is off again.”

           YN nodded, slipping off the exam table and walking towards the door. Her phone in her back pocket vibrated and YN slipped it out typing the message fast without thinking of the possible consequences. Then as she neared the exit, she deleted the message and turned her phone off. YN pushed open the door to see both Namjoon and Hoseok still sitting in the waiting room, smiles on both their faces.

           “Ready to go?”

           “Yup.”

           YN: Come to my place tomorrow at noon. Say it’s an emergency don’t give up until they let you in. If they refuse, call the cops and show them this message but don’t show the guys.

Hope you enjoyed ~~~

Tag List:

@hxsxxk-180294​ @saxpam24​ @trixsterbi @mel-gonzalez07​ @cstobitk​ @dionysus-png​ @taekimxx​ @moonlitehunter @joonie-grim​ @wonderlace19​ @sugashaye​ @rosey-roseu​ @mintaemark​ @ciderxi @soloikeadates​ @alex--awesome--22​ @ruth619​ @tinger-k​ @thenyousaidhello​ @missseoulite​ @justdidabadthing​ @ireallylikefoodandyoutube​ @letmebeyour-sun​ @lyoongx​ @kpopfictrash​ @purpuravm​ @unsureofwhathappens​ @blank-et-noir @thatchampagnebitch​ @nooooooooona​

[longhornhudson]

Heartbeat Song- Hudrose

Who: Finn Hudson and @longhornmarley

When: May 26th, 2020

Where: Doctor’s Office in Austin

Notes: The expecting duo hear the best sound in the world... (this was done in chatzy)

Finn Finn was nervous about today. Not only would he be getting the first round of grades from his finals but he was going to hear his little son or daughter's heartbeat today. A million thoughts ran through his head... would it be a healthy rhythm, was there going to be more than one... would there even be one... he had been reading a lot of books and all of these were relevant questions but the only one he truly cared about was if it was healthy. Not that he would love the little one any less but every expecting couple, or in this case best friends, wanted their child to be perfect. He took some deep breaths and told himself to remain optimistic for not only his sake but for Marley's.  She had been under enormous stress and the last thing she needed was for him to mention anything being wrong. He walked towards the door to her room and gently knocked, a smile forming when he heard a response on the other side. He had been feeling so emotional the last few weeks and today was no exception. It was a big step and one he was beyond excited for.

Marley Despite being nervous about the day, Marley slept like a rock. Probably due to all the moving Finn and her did the previous day. After her incident Friday, it kinda put things off which was fine and she was now officially roommates again with Rachel and now Finn. It was strange to have him so close to her now. Any moment she could go see him and that was both exciting and nerve wracking. She had gotten up early thanks to her alarm and gotten ready for the day, wearing one of the many dresses she was sent by LeRoy that she loved so much. She had just finished fixing her hair when she heard the knock on the door. "Just sec!" She yelled and quickly made her way through the boxes, almost tripping on one, before opening the door. "Hey! I was just gonna come find you." She grinned at the man before her.

Finn "Great minds think alike I guess." He teased, leaning inside her room at all the boxes. "When we get back, I'll help you unpack since I've already done mine. Of course, it's easy when you only have two boxes of stuff." Since Finn had started working out to meet the weight requirements for football, he was finding that a lot of his old things didn't fit anymore and he had donated them to the Goodwill. "I mean if you want me too. I know some girls probably wouldn't want a guy to see..." he trailed off with a laugh, shaking his head. "Anyway, are you almost ready?" Finn asked, letting his eyes take in her outfit. "Yo uh look beautiful, is that one of Leroy 's... and does he make menswear?" The jock teased, his nose scrunching. "I suddenly find myself in need of new clothes."

Marley "Or maybe the baby is giving us telepathy powers." She laughed softly and looked back at the boxes in her room. She then looked back at him and grinned as he kept talking. She found it so cute when he did this. "What? Underwear? You've already seen mine and you saw lingerie you-know-who sent me so I'm not sure there's anything else I could hide." She teased him back. "Yeah, no, I'm ready." She smiled as he noticed her outfit. "Thank you. It is. He sent me a bunch. They're so flowy." She grabbed the fabric and moved it around. "Yeah? I'm sure he does. I mean, look at the way he dresses. I'm sure Rachel can hook you up."

Finn "That would be amazing, not even going to try and hide that. But it would also suck if we gave our kid powers and we're just lowly humans." He chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck as she filled in the blank of his thoughts. "Well I mean technically I did but I wasn't really paying attention to like what they looked like... it was more so trying to take them off with my drunken hands so..." He laughed, shaking his head. "And I've seen the lingerie but not you in it... and I'm going to shut up now." His laugh filled the quiet room as he waited for her to finish up. The dress fit just right and he couldn't help but reach out and put his hand on her belly. He didn't know what he was expecting to feel but just knowing that their child was inside made him smile. "Sorry, I know its still to early to feel them kicking but this is good practice right?" Finn asked, pulling his hand back adn shoving it into his pocket. "I haven't actually met them yet... I've been meaning too but I didn't want to like ask in case she wasn't ready."

Marley Marley couldn't help but laugh. "Would it suck or would we be amazing parents for creating such an amazing child?" She watched as he rubbed his neck and started rambling again. She smiled the whole time and just thought about how cute he was being. She reached out and touched his arm before laughing softly. "Finn, it's okay. I was teasing. You can help, though. I'm not embarrassed by anything. You know more about me than anyone these days." Her heart skipped a beat as he reached out and touched her stomach. She bit her lip as she just stared at his hand and she didn't stop herself from putting her hand on top of his for a moment. "Soon we'll feel him or her. Besides, you're the dad. You can touch whenever." She blushed a little bit before clearing her throat. "Oh, well, I'm sure you'll meet them soon. And they'll love you. Trust me. You have nothing to worry about." She looked deep into his eyes for a moment. "So, ready? I'm just gonna grab a pop tart before we head out. Eat something so I don't go through that again." Her smile went down a little, but she knew she would eat regularly now. Anything to make sure their little one was growing good.

Finn "Both." He laughed, his nose wrinkling before the embarrassment hit him. Sure he had seen her naked when they had hooked up but it wouldn't be right to see the rest of her undergarments, out of respect for her and his relationship with Rachel, but like she had said, it was just to help her unpack, nothing too scandalous there, and her reassurance made him smile. "That's true. I just wanted to make sure you didn't care since that's something private. But if you're okay with it, then I will definitely help you." He smiled, eyes looking down at their hands. It was a simple gesture and yet it felt so strange and surreal. He had never expected this, especially not at his age, but feeling the small bump, seeing the smile on her face, it kind of made all of the weirdness go away. "I appreciate that.. I definitely think once he or she starts kicking, I'll just pop up randomly and put my hand there to feel it. I need to know how strong it is so I know whether or not they'll be into sports." Finn laughed, nodding along to her words. "I was going to suggest that or we could stop at the drive thru and get some breakfast but I'll leave that decision to you." Once she had grabbed the pop-tart, he held the door open for her before locking it and heading to the elevator.

Marley She laughed with him and looked into his eyes. She hoped it wasn't weird that she was talking about him seeing her underwear. She really wasn't that private about it. She would be if there was something embarrassing , but it was generic items that she really didn't think was weird to see. Maybe she was wrong about that. It would be different if it was on her or something. She shrugged. "It's just clothes. But I can always do that and you can do my books." She smiled at him to give a compromise. Just having them touching her stomach together... it was amazing. She couldn't wait until they could feel the little one moving inside her. She was definitely incredibly happy. She laughed softly and shrugged. "That's fine. You are always free to come in and talk or feel or whatever to the bump. Though, what if they don't want to do sports?" She smirked as she walked towards the kitchen and grabbed a pack of pop tarts. "Ooh, yes please. You know I can't say no to drive thru. Especially right now." She laughed and got into the elevator. "I blame you." She teased him as she opened the pack up.

Finn No matter how comfortable Finn felt around Marley, there were some things that he didn't feel like he had the right to see, despite their past. But if she needed his help, he would swallow that feeling and do whatever he could to make that happen. It wasn't just Marley he felt this way about either. As many times as he'd slept with Quinn, he would have still felt weird seeing her underwear if she were here instead. It was a personal thing, very private, and he didn't feel like he should have access to seeing them, not unless he was dating or they gave him permission too. "I know but still, its your private things. I can definitely help you with the books though. Or you know, putting stuff on the high shelves." He laughed, thankful to shift the conversation away from her undergarments. He kept his hand there for a few more seconds before pulling it away with a smile. "That's good to know, I'll definitely knock first though. But you better hope that little bear didn't hear that remark. They're going to be a football player." The walk to the elevator was short and once they were inside, he finally spoke again. "I will take all that blame, sure. I can't see it as a bad thing when I know all this food is causing our kid to grow big and strong."

Marley She could tell how the subject was different to him than it was her. Underwear was nothing to her no matter who's it was, it was different for him and she'd respect that. "Books and high shelves it is." She laughed with him. Marley was really loving his hand on her stomach. It was cute and let the three of them be more connected this way; even though they always would be connected now. "Okay. And only if they want to. No pressure." She pointed at him and smirked as she leaned against the wall of the elevator while eating the pop tarts. Her hand now touched her stomach as he talked about the baby growing big and strong. "I know. I'm teasing. I will do anything to make sure our baby is growing big and strong. Especially when it comes to eating food." Her smile fell for a moment as she thought about the other night and now wrong it could've all gone. However, it turned out okay and she just needed to make sure she was taking care of herself so she could take care of the baby.

Finn Finn was really glad to see her eating, he had been kind of worried about that ever since her fainting spell a few days ago but she had promised she would eat and so far, he hadn't felt the need to tell her that she needed more. She had come close to being put in the hospital had he decided to do that but he gave her the benefit of the doubt, even if it had done nothing to quell the concern in his mind. After stopping at the closest fast food restaurant and grabbing them something to eat, he got on the road again, heading towards the clinic where Marley had all of her appointments. They engaged in pleasant conversations, laughing and joking around the entire trip. Soon, they had arrived and he glanced over at her, a warm smile on his face. "Are you as nervous as I am? I don't even really know why I am but I don't think I will be calm until I hear that little heartbeat."

Marley She knew how the other night scared both of them. When they called the doctor that night, she had been warned that if she felt worse to get to the hospital but everything was good now. She wouldn't let that happen again. Marley smiled as they got some food and she happily ate the breakfast one the way to the appointment. She honestly loved how easy things were with Finn. How they could talk and joke. It felt nice to just be herself with him. She looked at the building as they pulled up and then back over at him. "I am." Her hand, on instinct, went to her stomach and rubbed the little bump. "I want everything to be okay. I hope I didn't harm anything the other night and I can't wait to just hear the sound of their heart." She felt tears build up and she looked away to wipe them. "Sorry. I just really want everything to be healthy and normal."

Finn He smiled over at her, his hand coming over to rest on top of hers. "You don't have to be sorry about anything, Marls. I've been feeling the same way honestly. And way before you fainted. You need to stop beating yourself up about that too. Everything is going to be fine. We're going to go in there and it's going to be the fastest and loudest heartbeat they've ever heard and you wanna know why? Because they've got Marley Rose for a mom. She's strong and fierce and she loves them with her whole heart." He said, his smile widening before he removed his hand. He stepped out of the car and walked over to Marley's side and opened the door, helping her out. "And if I'm wrong, I will change their diapers every day for like a week." He grabbed her wrist and held it as they headed up the sidewalk and into the building.

Marley Hearing Finn's words made her cry harder than she already was. He could always say the right things to her and sometimes her emotions couldn't take it. She looked at him as he opened her door and wiped her eyes before just looking at him after she got out. "Thank you. Not for the diaper thing because I don't care about that." She laughed and just stared up at him. "For your words. I couldn't do any of this without you. I know it's a crazy situation we are in, but I'm happy that you are my baby's dad. Our baby's dad." And she meant that. She had no idea how this would've gone with anyone else and she didn't want to know. Finn was amazing and Marley knew that. She appreciated him more than she could ever tell him. After they were inside and checked in, the nurse called them back and did all the normal things before the doctor came in and started doing what she needed to. There were tests that got done and they discussed her fainting before she had Marley get comfortable on the bed and left to go get the ultrasound machine. The girl looked over at Finn and reached out for his hand. "Are you ready?"

Finn Seeing her emotional made him emotional and he leaned in to hug her softly before they took any steps further. "Anytime Marley. And I'm not just saying them to say them, I mean everything I ever say to you. You are going to be the best mom that this baby could ask for and I'll be there every step of the way to make sure that he or she is healthy, happy, and loved. You will never have to do this alone." He said, his lips upturning into a crooked but genuine smile. He knew that she was worried that her fainting spell had somehow damaged the baby and while he didn't know a whole lot about the situation, he knew that wouldn't be the case. She had done everything right leading up to this point but he worried that her stress levels might cause future problems and he told himself to work harder to ensure that she was as stress free this summer as she could be. Once all of the initial blood work and tests were completed, they were led back to an exam room and Marley was put up on the table. Finn's hand instinctively grabbed hers and gave it a squeeze as they waited for the doctor to arrive. He was excited to hear the heartbeat, and he knew it would help quell some of the concerns Marley herself was having. He sat down in the chair next to the bed and waited for the doctor to return.

Marley She hugged him back and smiled bigger as he said more sweet things. He was truly amazing and she had no idea how she got this lucky to have him as a friend. "Thank you. So much." She said and looked up at him. "I really am glad to have you." She said again and she would probably say it more before the baby was born. She gave his hand a squeeze back as she looked at him and took a deep breath. Soon, the doctor came back and set up the ultrasound. Once all set up, the doctor took a moment to find their little one and Marley grinned just seeing the baby. She really loved seeing him or her inside and healthy. "Okay, and now to hear the heart." The doctor said. Marley held her breath and squeezed Finn's hand tight before the most beautiful sound filled the room. Tears filled her eyes as she listened and she turned her head to look over at Finn to see his reaction.

Finn “You're welcome, Rosie.” He smirked, giving her hand a squeeze. The nickname just slipped out but something told him she wouldn't mind. Everyone else called her Marls and even though he didn't copyright the name, he also wanted one that only he could call her and judging by her face, she didn't hate it. “I'm glad I have you. Not only are you an amazing tutor and I never would have passed without all your help, but you're an amazing person and you're sweet and funny and I am so happy to be on this journey with you.” He confessed, his eyes meeting hers softly. There was a brief moment of silence where they just looked at each other, Finn's stomach in knots, which was probably due to the burger he'd just consumed, but it was broken by the doctor's arrival. Watching all the set up, to seeing the little baby on the monitor, to hearing the heartbeat, it was all so much and he couldn't help the tears that welled in the corner of his eyes. “Marley, they're beautiful.” He said, leaning in to kiss her cheek... only to be met by soft lips instead. His eyes opened wider and he quickly pulled back. “I... I'm sorry. I was trying to kiss your cheek.” He said, cheeks heating up. The knots in his stomach returned as they made eye contact once more.

Marley She was surprised by the nickname. No one ever called her something by her last name. It was usually Marls or Mars Bar or something to do with Marley. Marbles, Margot.... she could go on. Rosie. That was cute and she would let him continue calling her that. She squeezed his hand as he talked and smiled bigger. "Thank you, Finn. Really. I'm glad I'm on this journey with you too." She agreed. That heartbeat. She would never forget this sound and she was so happy to be hearing it. Tears went down her face and as she looked over at Finn, their lips met and her heart just raced for a moment. She swallowed as he started apologizing before shaking her head. "It's okay. It was an accident." She looked at him and then back over at the ultrasound to get her head on something else. "Can we record it somehow?" Marley asked and the doctor nodded; explaining she'd save the recording for them. She smiled as she kept looking and listening to their baby for a moment before looking back at Finn. "This is amazing."

Finn They tell you that having a baby is a miracle, that the months leading up to it are some of the most magical, and frustrating, and can lead to revelations that you didn’t even know about yourself. Well, Finn was feeling all of this and Marley wasn’t even close to giving birth yet. His emotions were all over the place and while he could say that it was just overwhelming due to his circumstances, deep down he knew that wasn’t the case. And when he heard that strong heartbeat fill the quiet, those emotions threatened to come out, hell they did come out, and he wasn’t sure there were words to describe what he was feeling. Love, happiness, excitement, fear… they were all there as he leaned in to kiss Marley’s temple… something so simple and yet, made more complicated by the touch of lips. It as an accident, happened all the time in any given situation, but what he didn’t anticipate was the brief chill up his spine. He pulled away immediately, telling himself that it was a brief gust of cold air from he overhead vent. Yeah, just some cold air against his neck. Smiling and pushing the incident down, he nodded at her words. “I can’t believe it. Its the best sound in the world.” He whispered, squeezing her hand.

Marley The day was bringing out all sorts of things. All sorts of emotions, and the kiss certainly added to those. If pregnancy wasn't something to bring these things out in the first place, the fact Marley was an emotional person would. She couldn't focus on the kiss. She wouldn't allow herself to because it was too hard since he was with Rachel. Instead, she focused on their baby, the little heartbeat that was making this all so much better. She squeezed his hand back and lightly touched part of her stomach with her free hand. "It is. It truly is."

Finn If he was confused before, he was even more so now. Hearing his child's heartbeat was surreal and there were no amount of words to describe what that felt like. It was proof that he or she was healthy, and alive, and had all their little fingers and toes and were essentially perfect. The accidental kiss, and the sudden rush of emotions that crept up were all due to the sound filling the room. Nothing more and nothing less. "I'll go make that recording for the expecting parents, be right back." Their doctor said, allowing Marley the chance to get dressed and composed. "I've never heard a more beautiful sound. And now we'll have it forever." He said, turning his back as she redressed. "We should let Rachel hear it too. She'll be happy to know how strong they are." He said, looking over his shoulder.

Marley Marley smiled at the doctor as she left and she sat up to get her clothes. "I know. I'm gonna listen to it all the time. You'll have to pry it from my hands to listen to it yourself." She teased as she made sure he wasn't looking before slipping back on her dress. The mention of Rachel made her heart ache and she nodded. "Right, of course. I'm sure she'd love to hear it." She said and pulled her hair up into a messy bun. "We'll do it tonight."

Finn "Oh not tonight. I think I'm going to need it tonight." He teased, his nose crinkling. "Nothing like the sound of a heartbeat to put you to sleep. We can wait until tomorrow when we’ve both rested. Today has been a heck of a day, so many emotions and nerves. We should just relax the rest of the day. We'll order in, watch some Netflix, and pass out early." He smirked, head turning towards the door as the doctor walked back in. "Here you go Miss Rose." He said, handing her the recording. "Try not to make copies, it could ruin the audio."

Marley She laughed. "You'll have to pry it from me. But you're right, she may not hear it over the phone. We'll do it when she gets back." Marley said as she sat down to wait for the doctor to come back in. "That sounds like the perfect night. Walking Dead marathon?" she smirked at him before standing and smiling. "Thank you. We won't. We'll just fight over it." She joked and looked at Finn. "Ready?

Finn "So rude Rosie." He teased, his nose wrinkling. "They're my kid too you know!" The jock smirked with a laugh, listening to the instructions from the doctor. "But yes, we can let her listen when she gets back from Disney. I'm sure she would love it." Listening to her suggestions for the rest of her night, he nodded, grinning over at her. "That sounds great, I love it." After everything had been situated and she put the recording into her purse, they left the room and headed out to make the next appointment. "So, are we going home or did you want to stop anywhere? Do we need snacks?"

Marley "But I am carrying them." She laughed back and just looked at him for a moment. "Yes, the second she gets back." She nodded and put the recording away before following him out into the lobby. "Ooh, stop for snacks. I really want Jack in the Box." She grinned and talked to the receptionist about the appointment for June before heading out of the office with Finn. "And if you're good, I'll let you listen to the recording with me." She smirked.

Finn "Damn it, you got me there. Fine, I suppose you should keep it because it might get lost in all the other stuff in my room otherwise. It'll give me an excuse to drop by your room whenever." He smirked, grabbing her hand and squeezing it before letting go. "So Jack in the Box... how are we on popcorn? Trail mix? Fruit? Chocolate and ice cream? I mean the Walking Dead is a long ass show." Holding the door open for her, he helped her into his car, running around to the other side to step in. "So store, snacks, Jack in the Box, home, Walking Dead. The perfect combination."

Marley "Exactly. I'll keep it safe and you can come listen whenever." She smirked and her heart leaped as he squeezed her hand. She swallowed and shrugged. "I'm not sure. I'm sure we're good, but we can stop and get extras. You can never have too much, right?" She got in and buckled up before looking at him. "Yes, definitely perfect with the perfect company."

Finn "Yes. I'll knock first though, I promise." He laughed, pulling out of the parking space. They headed back towards the apartment, stopping off at the store first to grab everything they would need for their marathon. An hour later, they made it back, and Finn changed into his batman shorts and a tshirt before plopping down on the couch. "You ready for this?"

Marley "Like you would need to." She commented. After they were back home and she had gotten into some shorts and a tank top, she got onto the couch and started snacking. "Yes. I have been for months when we first planned this." She teased him.

Finn "Let's do it then!" He smirked, pressing play on the remote and reaching for the snacks. Since they had seen the episodes before, Finn felt okay getting up to make some popcorn while the opening scene played. He wasn't gone long before he came back, steaming bowl in hand. "Here you go Rosie." He laughed, handing it to her.

Marley She focused on the screen as he started the show and snacked on the fries they got from Jack in the Box. She smiled as he came back with the popcorn and took the bowl. "I swear you can read the baby's mind on what exactly I'm craving."

Finn "Well if he's anything like me, then this is going to become his favorite snack." He laughed, shaking his head. They had gotten through the first episode, and midway through the second, when Finn felt his eyelids getting heavy. He looked over at Marley and she had already fallen asleep on his shoulder. He couldn't help but chuckle as he grabbed the blanket from the back of the couch and wrapping it around them. "Goodnight Marley." He said, kissing the top of her head, stopping the episode and letting his own eyes fall closed.

[vamprnce]

Gatboss week day 1: Hottest/Coldest Day in Stilwater

It’s the hottest summer in Stilwater, Boss and Johnny do everything they can to cool down until certain feelings start to heat up instead.

ao3 | all fics for gatboss week on ao3 will be in different chapters in one post but will be separated on here!

“God, I think I’m fuckin’ dying.” Chris complains, airing out his tank top to cool himself from the torturous heat.

It wasn’t any news that this was the hottest summer of the year in Stilwater, the temperature clocking at a nasty 96 degrees Fahrenheit. Being a summer baby didn’t bother the Boss, he loved summer but today he didn’t like it so much.

“Shit, I know. The fuck we standin’ outside for?” Johnny complained with him, the heat seemed to make him more agitated then usual. “Well, first off, the air conditioning broke. Secondly, I thought going outside was better then melting inside, apparently I was fuckin’ wrong.” Chris laughs through his nose shaking his head. Johnny and him were standing outside the Purgatory near a wall where it was much more shady, Boss crouching down beside Johnny. “How ‘bout we, I don’t know, go to one of your cribs with AC so we don’t die from heat stroke?” Johnny said, looking down at Chris.

“Sounds good.” Chris said standing up, he starting to pull off the damped with sweat tank top over his head, after taking off his baseball cap. Johnny’s brows raised, he couldn’t help looking down at his body. It’s full of old scars and tattoos, some healed burn scars peak out on his right side plus that old stab wound under the ribs. Looking at his stomach he seen the black ink of the Third Street Saints tattoo across it, rippling muscles of flexing abs laid under it. Johnny started feeling even more hot just looking at him, somehow that’s even possible even in this heat. He darted his eyes away looking at some random buildings across from him, the dark shades helping him conceal his wandering eyes.

One thing Johnny didn’t know is Boss knew he was checking him out, making him smirk and chuckle at himself. He knew Johnny would never admit he did, though Boss wouldn’t bring it up either. This has been going on for awhile now, this some type of game of where each other would look at each other way too long – sometimes knowing and not knowing. Also being way too close to one another than usual, at times even daring to touch the other. It was a sly game, Boss thought how funny and obvious Johnny acts around him. He wonders if he’s as obvious to him, too. But sadly, this is just a game between them. Nothing serious has happened yet and neither are sure if they’re truly ready for that.

“Alright, let’s go.” Boss say, putting a hand on Johnny’s shoulder and walking towards his Vortex parked in the parking lot out front. Boss opened the driver’s side door and slid in, Johnny got in the passengers side right after. Boss automatically blasting the AC in the car, they sat there for a few minutes before starting to drive off. Driving around they both were trying to decide which crib to head to, Boss eventually started driving down south. It took less than a few minutes for him to get completely distracted all together, riding down the road he swerved to the left, right into the Freckle Bitch’s parking lot and drove into the drive thru.

“What’re you doing?” Johnny asked.

“Stopping for milkshakes real quick, you want one?” Chris replied, rolling up to the speaker to order.

“Not really.”

“Ah, whatever you say.” Chris just shrugs, ordering a large chocolate milkshake. Driving up to the window and paying and receiving the shake, they just started driving around aimlessly around the Barrio’s. Sipping on the shake while driving, he reached out him arm towards Johnny shaking the cup in his face, not taking his eyes off the road. “Yo, try this. Try it.” He continued annoyingly shaking the cup in his face. “Would you quit it, I don’t want your fuckin’ shake.” Johnny said, furrowing his brows and pushing his hand away. “I’m not gonna quit it 'til you try it,” Chris laughed while still holding out his arm. “Come on, it’s good!”

Chris kept shaking the cup while chanting “try it” over and over. Johnny’s frown deepened, finally feeling irritated with his friends annoyance. “Fuckin’ hell, alright, I’ll try it! Man, you’re so annoying today.” Johnny snapped, ripping the cup out of the other man’s hand. Chris giggled at him, making Johnny just glare at him more. “Aw, don’t pretend you don’t love it.” Chris teased, touching Johnny’s cheek with his hand. “Sure.” Johnny just replied sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

He was about to take a sip before a thought struck him, this would technically be a indirect kiss. He grinned to himself at the thought and took a sip. Chris and him sometimes share things with each other but he can’t remember the last time he shared a drink or something where he put his lips on together. There was this warm feeling perk up in his chest thinking about it.

“Hey, don’t hog it all! Get your own, bitch.”

“Fuck off.” Johnny laughed taking more sips while making him annoyed now.

“I fucking paid for that.” Chris frowned.

“What you want me to pay you back now?” Johnny asked smirking.

“If you drink it all then yeah. Gimme my three bucks, fucker.” Chris said. Johnny just chuckled handing back the cup to him. Chris grabbed it and put it in the cup holder. “Hey, since we’re near by let’s head back to the penthouse.” Chris said, he was already driving down the road into the parking lot. Both entered the hotel, walking to the elevator they stepped in and rode up to the crib on the top floor. Walking in and downstairs, they saw there wasn’t anyone there besides the two of them, usually there were Saints and strippers everywhere partying. But today everyone’s gone and it was a great time to be alone together.

Being alone together was in fact amazing. The AC was turned all the way up, beers were cracked open and the Boss was starting to get more and more touchy. Oh it was amazing. Subtle touches here and there, but the lingering touches, on the leg when sitting and the arm, even sitting way too close to Johnny. He noticed, definitely noticed, and he liked it. Really loved the boldness in the Boss, he was playing the game again that’s been going on wonderfully. He played back, of course, also touching Chris and getting in his personal space. One point he did put his hand on his hip, really wanting to slide his hand down to feel his nice muscular thighs, he didn’t even try to be casual about that move. He wanted him to know.

Johnny was downstairs alone, Chris ran upstairs saying he was going to change clothes. Short time after he walked back down, when Johnny looked over at him his eyes went wide. The Boss stood there in front of him with a slight devious grin pulling on his lips. Boss was real bold today. He stood there practically half naked besides wearing a small swimming bottoms, almost looking like a speedo.

Johnny froze there, staring, his whole body felt hot under his clothes, even the chill air in the building can’t help cool him down. If he didn’t know better he would’ve thought he died and went to heaven. Boss’ whole body was on display and his hands ached to touch it, roam everywhere and anywhere on his body. It was honestly the first he saw Chris like this and it was phenomenal. Chris chuckled standing there, the look on his best friends face was priceless. He’s pretty sure he broke him because Johnny didn’t leave that spot for a few minutes plus he didn’t say a word. A smirk plastered on his face he walked slowly towards the indoor pool, still wanting to tease the shit outta Johnny more. “I thought I’d go into the pool for awhile.” Chris said, casualty in his tone but the teasing was thick.

His eyes were locked right on Johnny’s as he went to the pool. He eventually broke eye contact by actually dipping in the pool and it felt like a spell that was casted on Johnny was broken. He blinked his eyes and moved over towards the edge of the pool where Chris was floating. “You wanna come in?” Chris asked in a low tone, smile showing teeth. Johnny looked away from him feeling flustered. “No, I’m fine.” He grunts. “Aw, come on you baby, join me.” Chris smiled up at him, resting his arms on the edge of the pool. “I’m not even have a swimsuit,” Johnny flung out the crappiest excuse, and Chris knew it. “And I’m not a fuckin’ baby.”

He snorts through his nose. “You sure act like it,” Chris mumbles. “Come join me then if you’re not a baby.” The word “baby” was stretched out in mocking tone. Johnny stared down at him expressionless, arms crossed. “Y'know I’m just gonna pull you in.” He threatens, a toothy smirk plays on his face. “Oh yeah?” Johnny said, a brow arching up. “I’d love to see you try.”

They both knew that he was serious about what he said. Grabbing his leg he did pull him in, a big splash and a soaked gangster later, the Boss knew he was dead. All he could do is giggle as the other man fumed. “You’re paying for this.” Johnny said darkly. “Ooh, I’m so scared! I’m shaking!” Chris mocked, still laughing while pretending to cower in fear. Johnny launched at him as he laughed, both splashing and grabbing on to one another.

They wrestled in the water playfully for awhile, both laughing, until they were both holding on to each other. Calming down, they stood there bodies close and press together, both staring deep into each other eye’s. Johnny’s glasses were gone somewhere and Chris got lost staring into his brown beautiful eyes. Chris’ were like golden honey and Johnny had no clue how that was possible, they were incredible. Johnny’s hands slid up his sides as they still were in close together, Chris’ arms lazily wrapped around his neck. Chris started closing to gap between them and leaned in, lips both brushing each other. Parting his lips, Johnny felt his hot breath on his lips. His body felt so warm against his, Johnny’s hands roamed up and down his bare back also sliding down to his thighs and ass. He did grab it, not really caring anymore, it was squishy and soft and absolutely perfect. Chris snorted out a loud laugh as he grabbed his ass, it was actually pretty surprising. They end up standing there what felt like an eternity, both not moving an inch while being pressed together.

As his lips moved closer and almost planted on Johnny’s the ringing of a phone went off. Both getting startled they backed off from each other. Johnny cleared his throat and climbed out of the pool, Chris following behind. Grabbing the buzzing phone off the table he answered it. It was some annoying call about the gang shit, he loves his work and being the boss but today it was ruining his fun time that could've been. As Johnny went off the change his wet clothes he ended the call, grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist and then sat at the couch. He pouted as he stared at the plasma screen, this is the first time he stepped that far with Johnny, it was amazing and left him tingling with bliss and he wasn't pleased that it was abruptly ruined.

Johnny came back down and walked in the living area, sitting next to him on the couch. Chris glanced over at him but then took a double take, Johnny was wearing one his shirts. Specifically one of his band shirts. Something warm bubbled inside him and he had to control himself to not look like a dumbass right there. He just settled with a huge dumb grin on his face instead. They sat there in comfortable silence watching tv, Chris leaned against Johnny daring to lay his head on him. Johnny smirked, resting his arm behind Chris.

[theblackandgold-series]

The Prince and The Boy

Chapter One: Still Tippin

A College AU

Texas Southern University (Houston,Tx)

Ship: Chiron x Erik Stevens

Warning(s): slight slow burn

Chapter 2 Chapter 3

It’s hot as shit. Chiron thinks as he makes his way across campus towards his first and only class of the day. The sun beats down on his neck, making the two minute walk from his car seem much longer.

He shakes his head as the music bumps lowly through his headphones, continuing his commute across campus. Sweats seemed like a bad idea now, but it’s cold in the buildings, so it balances out right? he thought.

Several people smile and wave to him as they pass, and he gives a small smile in return. After two years he’s still not used to people he doesn’t know acknowledging him. Girls coming up for hugs or waving at him, guys dappin him up like they know him, but he’s always polite enough to speak.

The introvert in him is uncomfortable with the attention, making him want to shrink in on himself and blend in with the crowd. He’d accepted the scholarship to TSU for one reason: he loved to run. He could easily do without the rest.

Track is his escape. He puts his heart and soul on the track. He stops thinking and just runs. His body feels free, and he is in his element. It helps that he has a competitive spirit by nature and loves to win.

He walks into the building that houses his Sociology class, the air conditioning immediately cooling him off. As usual he is one of the first students to arrive, taking his seat up front.

He mindlessly scrolls through his phone as his classmates slowly start to trickle in. Out of the corner of his eye he catches a glimpse of a fresh pair of Concord 11’s. His eyes take in  grey joggers, and a fitted gray TSU t-shirt.  Noticing the pecs that show through the shirt, he continues on to the mystery man’s arms. Damn. Arms stacked with muscles that seemed to be hand carved by Michelangelo himself. God had took his time with this man. His eyes finally made it to the man’s face, admiring his nice full lips and deep dimples.

Damn he looks good as hell. Who is he? Chiron thought and just as he began to put his phone down to grab his notes, he hears his voice, still scratchy and deep like he had just rolled out of bed. He stills, intrigued by how intoxicating he sounds. His mind imagines hearing that husky voice first thing in the morning, whispering all kinds of dirty things as he thru- He has to snap himself out of it… Chi... chill out. He says to himself and pulls his book and notes out so he can pay attention.

He gets one more glance at this fine strangers face briefly meeting his eyes, before the professor announces that class has started.

“Erik have a seat please, thank you.”

Erik…. Chi nodded, making a mental note to remember that name.

“My bad teach.” A smirk graces Erik’s face as he heads towards an empty seat in the back.

Today’s lecture focused on the damages of toxic masculinity which had Chiron intrigued but he wasn’t one to participate. Class went on as usual. Chi payed attention as various students talked, though none of them said much, causing him to tune most of the lecture out. It wasn’t until he heard that same intoxicating voice that he turned around, and he wasn’t the only one. he entire class had turned their eyes to him. His voice carried towards the front of the room, nothing but confidence exuding from him as he spoke.

“In this society, we as black men are condemned for showing our feelings, let alone admitting that our feelings exist. Our white counterparts demonize and denounce our humanity.”

The whole room went silent and Chiron nods. He agreed with Erik one hundred percent and was glad someone said it. The ignorant white man that he was arguing with however, was not. He was obviously heated, getting flustered as he responded. Erik laid back in his chair obviously amused, drinking his coconut water and slightly shaking his head. All eyes focused on him as the white man’s voice continued to elevate, his facing turning beet red. Erik waited patiently for him to finish, smirking the whole time.

“You’re singling out black men in this argument as though you're the only ones who experience toxic masculinity.”

“Nah that ain’t what I said at all bruh but go off I guess.” Erik says taking a bite of his waffle, “Might wanna calm down though yo face getting a little red”

“That’s what it sounds like to me. I was also taught that crying isn’t manly. It’s not exclusive to just the black community.”

“You’re absolutely right it’s not. However what is exclusive to the black community is the issues we have in addition to society’s skewed views of masculinity and how it pertains to black men. That aspect of it is special in my community due to the hundreds of years of mental, physical, and psychological hardships that you as a white man cannot and will not ever understand. So when I said what I said, I was speaking from my own experience because that’s the only one I know.”

“So I can’t speak from my experience? Our experiences can’t possibly relate?”

“Yeah you can speak your truth, just know that your truth can never compare to mine. And they won’t ever ever relate. That’s facts.”

A lone “Preach, my nigga!” was heard before the classroom was quiet. Most of the students  looking at Erik with respect and admiration while a few saltine crackers had a look of disdain. One thing was for certain, everyone’s eyes were on him and they all were listening. Especially Chiron.

He’s fine and woke? Too good to be true. Chiron thought as he gazed at Erik.

He continued to study Erik as the professor jumped in before the conversation could continue to escalate, the ignorant white student walking out once he realized he couldn’t win.

Professor Henderson brought everyone back and brought up the next assignment for class. A paper due in two weeks. Groans were heard all through class. Chi actually didn’t mind writing papers, he just hoped he had enough time to write between track and work.

“Class is dismissed, I will see you all next week. Have a good day.”

As everyone rose from their seats, Chiron couldn’t help but sneak another look at Erik. Before he could look any longer his phone dinged with a text about practice. In the time that he looked down to answer it, Erik had slipped out the back entrance, leaving Chiron disappointed when he looked up and noticed he was gone.

He sighed, playing his music again and walked out of class. Thinking about Erik as he made his way back to his apartment. He’d gone to the same class for the past two months and not once had he noticed the tall dreaded man. Now that he had, he was sure he’d never be able to forget him. Those dreads, that smile, his dimples, those wide shoulders, fuck, his eyes. Everything about him was captivating, everything about him left Chi wanting to know more. He shook his head as he tried to rid himself of these thoughts. Now was not the time.

Chiron was breathing hard as he rounded the edge of the track. His chest rising and falling as he made his way to get his bottle of water. One hand on his hip he clenches his eyes shut as he tries to rid himself of the image currently ingrained in his mind. All he could think about was Erik. He’d dropped his baton twice during practice. His head was definitely not on the track. Instead it was with Erik and those goddamn dimples. The way his voice sounded when he responded to that cracker, how confident he was, his voice unwavering as he spoke. He didn’t have to get angry, he believed in what he said so much that, he made everyone believe in him too. The power behind his eyes, it was clear he got whatever he wanted. What if he wanted me? Chiron thought. He’s taken out of this thought when one of his friends comes up to him.

“Aye Chi, what’s up with you today?”

“Nothin man.”

“Really? Cause you been actin’ real weird.”

Chiron shook his head, “Nah, I’m just a little out of it today. I’m good, though. Promise.” He takes another gulp of water.

“Alright man, if you say so. You going to the game?”  

“I don’t know, man.”

“It’s the homecoming game. You can’t miss it.”

Chi wasn’t trying to hear it. He needed to catch up on some work and sleep.

“Besides,” his friend continued, “You know Kayla gonna be there.”

Chi wrinkles his nose. “Kayla? What she gotta do with me going to homecoming?”

His friend sucked his teeth, “You know damn well she feelin you.”

“Nah, man. We just friends.”

“You tell her that?”

“Didn’t think I needed to.”

“What’s wrong with her? She fine as fuck. You not tryna hit that?”

Chi rolled his eyes and sighed. “Then why don’t you get at her?” He puts down his water bottle and starts packing his bag. “Look man, I’ll be there aite?” Chi holds out his hand towards Bryson.

“Aite nigga, see you later.”

Chi, makes his way to his car. He wasn’t interested in Kayla. She was cute, but she just wasn’t his type. His mind swirled with thoughts of the person who actually held his interest.

The October air bites at Chiron as he sits on the bleachers. He should have worn more than a sweatshirt and sweats to this game. He didn’t have much time to get ready though and he really didn’t even want to be there so he hadn’t given it a second thought when he pulled the TSU gear over his head. He’d walked into the stadium right as the fourth quarter started. This is so stupid. He thought. Why am I here?

His reason showed up in the form of a 6’3 Adonis. His breath was stolen from him when he saw Erik in his uniform, the number 12 etched across his back. Subconsciously he gripped at his thighs, doing anything he could to contain himself. Erik looked so damn good. How could a nigga he’s never said a word to have so much control over his body and mind?

Suddenly, he could see Erik above him, thrusting into him as his hands scratch down that broad back. He can feel the pressure of Erik’s body on top of his, the way he would give Chi everything he needed, and Chi would gladly take it all.

“Chi! Yo Chi!” Chiron is once again taken out of his thoughts. His head snaps in Bryson’s direction, his lips pursed. This is the second time his daydreaming has been ruined by this nigga. Can’t he just leave him alone?

“What’s up man?” They nod at each other, Chi still distracted. Bryson notices him clutching at his thighs. “Yo, you good nigga? What’s up with you today?”

Clenching his jaw, Chi shakes his head. “I already told you, I’m good nigga.”

Bryson held his hand up in surrender, “My bad, nigga. I was just making sure you aight, shit.”

Before Chiron can respond to Bryson, the crowd around him erupts into cheers.

“GO STEVENS!”

“RUN! RUN!”

Chiron looks toward midfield and sees Erik bobbing and weaving through his defenders. Damn he’s fast Chiron notes.

“He’s at the 30! The 25! The 20! He’s going all the way folks! TOUCHDOWN TIGERS!!!”

Chiron finds himself cheering with the rest of the crowd, but his eyes stay on the receiver. He watches as Erik runs over to the sideline, celebrating with his teammates as special teams set up for the extra point. He watches as Erik removes his helmet , dreads falling perfectly over those beautiful eyes. Chiron is frozen, staring at the deep dimples that accent his gorgeous smile.

That smile doesn’t go away as Erik’s attention is pulled away by his coach. Chiron watches as Erik bends over to hear whatever his coach is saying. He takes this opportunity to admire Erik’s blessed backside. He can imagine gripping that ass as the hips it was attached to thrust into— Dammit, Chi. You doin it again.

Chi was so caught up in his thoughts of what he would do if he was alone with that masterpiece of a man that he didn’t notice when the huddle broke. Now the ass that he was looking at was replaced by a crotch. His eyes made their way upwards until they connected with another pair of chocolate eyes.

He was met with a smirk and a raised eyebrow causing his face to heat, for the life of him he couldn’t look away. He sees Erik’s shoulders jump with what he assumes is laughter, before turning his attention back to the game.

Chiron continues to watch Erik as the final seconds wind down on the clock. His eyes glance at the illuminated scoreboard and smiles at the score. The game ends with a score of 24-14. Before making his way up the bleachers, Chi found himself seeking out Erik once more, hoping to get another look at him. His prayers were answered when he caught the very man he was looking for already staring at him. Erik gave Chi what must be his signature smirk before he is swept up in celebration by his team. Once he loses sight of Erik he decides it’s time to head home.

On his drive back to his apartment flashes of Erik pop into his mind. The way he talked that morning, the look he gave him at the game. He had an effect on Chi that he hadn’t experienced since his last failed relationship. It was overwhelming. He didn’t know what to do with himself, but he knew he had to make something happen.

tag: @wakandas-vibranium @bartierbakarimobisson @randomwordprompts @storibambino @theultimateblacknerdwithglasses @stressedgyal  @great-neckpectations @wakandan-flowerz @blackgirloneshots @panthergoddessbast @maya-leche @texasbama @killmongerdispussy @yaachtynoboat711 @hearteyes-for-killmonger

[fallenangelspnfanfic]

Fireworks

A little Dean x Reader  I wrote on the side

Contains a lot of FLUFF 

Hope you’ll enjoy 

I am so thrilled. LIKE, super duper hyped. Dean said he would let me drive the Impala today! Can you imagine? Dean letting a girl at the wheel of his precious Baby? At first, I thought he was teasing me, but when I peered into his emerald eyes, searching for any kind of mischief... all I saw was genuineness which, to be honest, was kinda unsettling coming from the elder Winchester.

But, HEY!  Who the fuck would turn down the once in a lifetime offer to drive this sweet 67 chevy? Not me! So, I gladly accepted and now, I'm standing in front of my wooden drawer searching through the dozen plaid shirts, looking for the best outfit for this date, like a fifteen years old chick would do.

Oh yeah, date.

I wouldn't usually dare to call it a ''date'' but since it isn't a hunt nor a supply run and that it only included the both of us going away for an entire day, I can't think of a better word. I can still recalled how he hesitated when he asked me out. We were on our way back from a ''pain-in-the-ass'' ghost hunt that turned sideways. I was sitting in front as Sam tried to catch some z's in the back seat.  

''Y'know there's a vintage auto fest not far from Lebanon this weekend... And Sam doesn't wanna go, but man... How bad I wish I could go and display Baby, giving her the love she deserves...''

''Then go? You're a grown ass man, Dean. You don't need your brother by your side 24/7!''

He laughed, his freckled nose wrinkled a bit in its own adorable way and my heart skipped a beat, per usual. I had the biggest crush on the eldest Winchester, for many years now.

''I know, sweetheart...''

*Heart melting like an ice cream left under the sun*

Sweetheart.

I know, I know. Dean calls every potential girls that pass his way Sweetheart, but... I can't help those feelings that twirl inside me when he calls me nicknames.

''I was just wondering if you... would like to come with me? I mean, it could be fun y'know.. Just the two of us, hanging out... It's been a while...'' he glanced nervously at me since I wasn't answering. He had been all flirty-flirty with me during the past weeks but hey, we're talking about Dean Winchester. How am I supposed to know if his advances are serious or not?

''And... and hey, I could even let you drive to get there, and don't worry I won't disappear on you and let you by yourself if that's what you're thinking..and-''

___/\__/\_/\_______________¸

''I CAN DRIVE THE IMPALA?!''

And yeah, that was my answer, basically. Just gotta add a couple groans coming from a grumpy half-asleep Sam and a couple mumbles from me and that was it.

Damn, I haven't put mascara on since.... let's say ages. My hair is almost done now, I've been curling it for almost half an hour, Jesus. So glad I don't waste my time doing this every morning. Being hunter has its perks.... Sometimes.

*Knock Knock Knock*

''Y/N, are you ready?''

Dean entered my room without my approval, as always. Damn, he looks hot in that khaki shirt.  I discreetly bit my lower lip as I observed him.

''I could've been naked, y'know.''

I heard him behind me sucking his teeth in disappointment.

''Well, better luck next time I guess.''

I laughed.

''You're such a pig.''

''Well, the pig is done waiting so...''

He locked his arm around mine and pulled me as I finished twisting the last strand of hair, almost dropping the burning iron on my bare feet.

''Okay okay, damn, let me at least turn this thing off!''

He let me go and sighed.

He doesn't even seem to appreciate that I've arranged myself for this... Hell, I don't even know if he sees the difference.

''Alright, I'm ready, Winchester.''

Maybe I was wrong thinking this would be some kind of date..

'' I can't wait to spend the day with you, sweetheart. We gonna have a blast.''

..Or not.

----------

I lifted my eyebrows, dumbfounded that  he opened the garage door for me.

''You feelin alright, Dean?''

He chuckled as I passed before him. My heart is racing with the anticipation of being at Baby's Wheel.

''I can be a gentleman from time to time, Y/N. And you know it, don't act so surprised.''

I laughed, but to be honest, I haven't even heard his answer. I'm waaay too excited for what was next to come. I turned around and put my hands together as if I was waiting for the consecrated bread, waiting for him to give me the keys... but he looked at me, puzzled.

''What?''

I glared at him, he better not.

''Well... You told me I was going to drive so, the keys, please.''

He snickered as he analyzed if I was being serious. I noticed how his luscious lips trembled as he held back the laughters.

''You... You thought-''

He bent down and hit his knee as he bursted out of laughing.

That, son of a bitch. That smoking hot, son of a bitch.

He regained his composure once he saw I wasn't entertaining his behavior.

''Alright, alright... You're right, I told you I was gonna let you drive. There, I'm sorry..''

He reached for his pocket as he got closer to me.

Yesssss

He's not that of a jerk, finally. I couldn't hold the growing smile on my face. I was going to drive the Impala! FINALLY.

And then, out of the blue, he poked my nose with his index finger and a whispered to my ear.

''Passenger side, beautiful.''

--------------

 We passed an amazing day, even if I didn't get to drive the car. Jerk

Anyway, it was really fun to see Dean in such awe in front of those old cars. He looked like a child in front of a candy store but, as he promised he didn't leave my side. So, now I know more about cars than I thought I ever would.

People started to leave around 5 and we thought we should hit the road as well.

''Hey, mind if we make a stop somewhere before getting back?''

I looked at my side, Dean was staring at the road but I could see the shade of a grin drawn on his face.

''Uhm, no I don't mind. What's up? Hungry?''

He scoffed and then looked at me, with one of those smiles that just take your breath away. Why is he so flawless?

''Uh, no sweetheart, there's a spot that I know not far from here... Sam and I used to linger over there when we were younger. It's pretty awesome.''

He has something in mind, I can feel it. Besides his many not-so-subtle glances that he kept throwing me and that big ass blanket that was covering a mysterious package in the backseat, it was pretty easy to riddle that the eldest Winchester had planned something else for the rest of the day.

''Alright, we're almost here, beautiful.''

Dean took a sharp turn and now I really had no idea where we were off to. I could hear the gravel hitting the underside of the Impala as we drove on a dirt track.

''Dean, where are we? It's getting dark and I'm hungry now, I hope you packed something to eat, smartass.''

''I thought you knew me better than this, Y/N/N.''

He finally turned off the car, but let the lights on. I jumped out the car and inhaled the sweet perfume of the nature that surrounded us. I heard Dean rumbling in the backseat of the car so I decided to explore a bit, where the hell were we?

----

''There you are.''

A regular person would have be frightened by the sudden sound of a voice breaking the quietness of the darkness, but I heard Dean's stealthy steps a while ago..

What I did not expect was the sudden warmth of his fingers intertwined with mines. My heart was stammering in my chest as I tried to decipher what was happening.

I stared at him with my brows furrowed but he only squeezed my hand as an answer and pulled slightly so I would follow him. So I followed him, quietly. Too afraid to talk and to sound like a chipmunk as my throat tightened.

We followed a little wooded path that lead us into a vast field filled with blooming...

''Lavender... Wow.''

I took a long-ass breath as he let go my hand, the smell that was emanating from the field of flowers was stunning.

''Do you like it ?''

I turned around and for the first time since we got out the Impala, I saw that he had been carrying, trapped under one of his arm, a wicker basket filled with what looked like food and bottleSSS of wine and over it was sitting a wrapped blanket.

''Extremely''

He unrolled the blanket at my feet and invited me to join him as he sat down.

I joined him as I giggled, he really planned all of that for me?

''I gotta admit, Dean, never thought you had the ability to be romantic.''

He chuckled as he opened a bottle of red wine and displaced a plate filled with vegetables and different kind of cheese.

''To be fair, I was planning to stop at some drive-thru before coming here. Sammy's the one suggesting all of that.''

He actually had a chat with Sam about bringing me here... Did he ask for his brother's advice? What in the...

''Oh, makes more sense... Broccolis also blew up your cover to be honest. ''

Cracking up a joke is always good, even when you're nervous as fuck... right?

''BUT, I'm the one who thought about....''

He searched through the basket until he reached out what he was looking for and he seemed pretty proud with himself as he exhibited the gigantic package.

''Fireworks! Wow, been ages since I've seen some.''

''Yeah... Sam and I used to pop some of these when we were kids and Dad left us behind. Man, I can still see the wonderment in lil' Sammy's eyes.''

He was pouring wine for the both of us in some plastic cups when I decided to speak my mind.

''So... Dean, tell me. What's the meaning of all this? I mean..''

I noted how the side of his mouth raised in a smirk as I started my interrogation. He gave me a cup and lifted his to make a toast and we both took a sip.

He brought a hand to his chest out of nowhere, as if he was about to take the oath.

''I solemnly swear that I am up to... no... no good, if that's what you wanna hear.''  

I pointed an accusing finger to him as he mimicked Harry Potter with the cutest british accent I've ever heard.

''Don't make fun of my favorite movie, Winchester... Plus, you're really bad at it.''

We both laughed it off. I can't stop staring at him, he looks so, peaceful and calm, which is so weird to me. He's usually so tense and angry.

''I've really been looking for spending some quality time with you, Y/N. It's been a while and I know I can be a real ass-hat from time to time.....''

He was looking far away in front on us as he regained his seriousness. I just knew, that what he was saying came from deep within him, so I just kept listening.

''I can be harsh with you and I sometimes don't weight my words... It's just a constant fight I have with myself, every time we're on a hunt. Seeing you being in danger and risking your life... it's ... pissing me off in so many ways...But at the same time, I know you chose this path on your own....''

Okay now at that point, I just wanna jump on him and sealed off his lips with mine, Chuck, help me.

''You're so... friggin important to me, Y/N. I can't afford to lose you. That may sounds stupid... but your presence is like a soothing balm that calms the pain that has accumulated in me over the years.''

He took my hand in his and finally dared to peer in my eyes.  Our shoulders were leaning against one another and his nose was so closed to me that it brushed the skin of my face. My heart was beating so fast I thought it would actually run away from my ribcage.

Fuck it

In a instant, I turned my head completely and slammed my lips to his delicious one, nearly knocking all of his breath away from his lungs. I hoped that he would actually react and move his lips along with mine, but my heart sunk as he stood still. He hardly had a moment to react that I stopped the kiss and turned my head away.

What was I thinking?

''Why did you stop?''

He gently pulled my face towards him again, his hand resting below my ear, his thumb caressing my cheek as I feared to look him in the eyes. I barely had time to form an answer as his hand drifted to my hip and pulled me closer. I tried to control my breath as I inhaled sharply. I was against his warm chest, I could feel how chiseled it was under my hand as I splayed against it. The urges striked again as soon as I felt his stumble nuzzled the skin of my neck. My arms reached up and tangled around his thick strong neck. His green eyes were filled with dedication that made my heart fluttered.

''Come here, sweetheart.''

He pressed his lips against mine once again, but this time I felt his tongue pressing to the seam of my lips, asking access to delve Inside my mouth. I could feel the slight burn of the wine on his breath as our tongues danced together. His lips were warm and his hands were now wrapped around my waist. We broke apart for air and I rested my forehead against his.

He smirked and I smiled shyly.

''Best fireworks, ever.''

[anonplusultra-blog]

9. Xxxx Rouge

I felt the blood pumping oxygen into the muscle tissue on my thighs and calves. My body was preparing for an escape. I hear the take out box impacting on the floor and the door slamming behind me. My feet slamming hard on the floor as I hurry up the stairs. Is this really the only thing I could have come up with, running away again, running away from her. Running away from everything, for good this time. What other reason will there for me going to the roof of the building but to jump off.

I got to the door leading to the roof top, I extend my right arm to reach for the knob and then my chin and sternum thudding against the cold tiles as Anna dives in a tackle from behind me. She turns me, so I have to face her and immobilizes me by sitting on my hips. My hands try to hide my face from her in shame, but she intercepts them, gripping on my wrists as shackles over my head pinning them onto the floor. Even now, when she is looking at me with tears and showing her teeth in anger and disappointment, I can't help but to feel extremely aroused by the situation.

A salty drop runs down my cheek and pooled in the lobe of my ear, I don't know whom tear this is, all I can think about is Anna straddling me and over powering me with ease. And then I see her face again, guilt corroding me from inside out.

I can her Anna voice as if it was a far, "Please, stop, I'll won't push you, just please stop trying to… just stop, please. You can't do this to me Elsa, I promised you I would be there when things get hard and you might not see the light. I know how you feel, like you have no control over your life, but let me remind you that, you don't, I do." Her forehead against mine, her breathing feeble with sobbing, our noses brushing as an eskimo kiss, her hands freeing mine. Every tiny transparent hair in my body erects as if galvanized in response.

When I cut myself, I hurt her, when I don't eat, I hurt her, when I neglect my health, I hurt her. A mantra I thought not needing anymore. There was a point in my life when the only way I thought I had control over the 'perfect life' my parents expected of me, was to hurt my skin. I never left marks, but Anna figured it out anyway. She broke into the bathroom one time, said nothing and took her skirt off, she then asked me to cut the skin on her inner thigh, I couldn't do something like that to her. She explained how cutting myself hurts her the same as if I was slicing her skin. She saved me from that and many other dangerous habits, she saved me so many times.

She is right, my life is hers and her life is mine. Why am I so afraid of… our love? Even after talking to Rory and Malena, the slightest drop of doubt send me back to the worst of my mental state. I'm afraid of her despise if I confess, and, I fear her loving me if I confess. Her career as a professional athlete, having a family of her own or the white dress, all those possibilities buried by our unnatural love. That is why I had to run, I am a coward.

"Elsa, don't do it, don't jump, promise me you will never try something as stupid as that." She shouted as if a whisper, her eyes tired of crying and glassy. What am I supposed to say? How many promises am I willing to break just to keep this secret from her?

My silence was getting her impatient, even I could read her emotions afloat on her delicate face. Maybe this is how it's supposed to be. No matter my answer, the damage was done, and I had no where to run off to.

"A k—kiss"

Silence, so quiet, I could hear my heart pounding in my ears. Anna blinked confused and made me wish I had better social skills. "If you kiss me, Anna, I promise you to never hurt you like this ever again."

"I… guess I could do that," she said with a smile. I need to make myself clear, I can't run away from this.

"No, Anna. A kiss, a real one. If you do… I will do anything you want, I will be what ever you need from me. I'll take therapy, or not, which ever you tell me to I…"

"I… we can't. That is a line that we should never cross, even if some of the other rules don't apply to us, that one… Please Elsa, think about the consequences." Anna's sight avoiding contact with me, she was caught off guard by my request of course. This was a mistake.

Then why was I flickering between her pale mayan blue eyes and her pink lips and parting my own? Why were my hands massaging the back of her head? Why were Anna's mirroring the action onto my platinum hair?

Why are we kissing?

Not chaste, not pure, a kiss reserved for lovers and sinners, the kind of kiss forbidden to kin. A kiss made for us. My first kiss.

My heart is beating fast, my face is boiling, a million ants walking on my skin, her plump lips guiding my unexperienced flesh. Her head tilting to her left, her lips trapping my lower lip, I can feel as she creates a vacuum pulling it softly. Her tongue licking my lips from bottom to upper lip, I don't know how to reciprocate to that. Mirror Anna never taught me how to kiss a real person.

And then, she slowly backs away, her chest pumping in a fast rate, I myself am a panting mess on the floor. "What are we doing Elsa?" Anna's eyes glowing with a tint of sadness. She stood up, offering me her forearm to help me get on my feet. "I think we should talk back in the room, if you want to." I did not responded but lowered me head in submission and blinked slowly. She understood and guided me by the hand back to our room.

The first thing we noticed was the dragon box on the floor, it was pretty resilient as it survived in one piece holding it contents in. I picked it up gently, the smell leaking thru the cardboard aches like a needle inserting in my stomach, I'm so hungry. Anna is gazing at me, a half cooked smile forming on her face, "We can eat first, the talk can wait, I'm hungry like a dog to be honest..."

We sat next to each other, the box was small, we had to, even if it felt different than before, is this what they mean by crossing the line. As we ate the most delicious take out ever, we never had eaten this round pastries before, the pork and cabbage inside them was a treat. I wish we had tasted these while they were hot… yet something else I ruined today. C'mon Elsa, we promised her to be better, let's not go down this road again. Easy for you to say, you can always hide again in the deepest of my brain whenever the situation gets too real, yet, you are right.

We ate in silence, well not entirely, Anna kept letting me know how much she was enjoying our meal by moaning cheerfully as the pork, spices and pastry mixed in her mouth… and on her tongue, the same tongue that tasted my lips for the first time. I miss her lips already.

I'm staring, and Anna noticed, how wouldn't she I'm so obvious. Her eyebrows trying to meet at the middle as she frowned, she kept her gaze on me, I felt judged, but I can't deny how much I love the attention, her attention.

Back in our elementary years I remember having the test results jitters, most kids have them I guess, most kids were nervous about showing their grades to their parents, us, we were excited to share our test results to one another. Back then we were pretty much a person twice, we both had pigtails or a ponytail or a bun, but, it was always symmetry. Of course things began to change as we grew older.

"Elsa, do you wanna talk to me now?" Anna's hands on my knee, her eyes trying for submission and comforting, her shoulders relaxed. No more running away?

"Anna, I hope you can forgive me, I don't expect you to understand it, but, if my truth does not make you dread me, I'll accept it." My body was trembling, Anna kept on her act of pretending to be the most understanding person in the world, it was not helping that much to be honest, my eyes locked with hers, my breathing stills… "I love you Anna. No, before you say anything, no, not in a normal way. I love you for the woman you are, the girl you were, I love you as a woman. The way flesh and bone is not supposed to. I don't know when it started, but it has not gotten better. I love you so much it's driving me mad..." That last bit hurt me as it came out of my lips, my eyes left her concerned ones. She was quiet, no advice, no reproach, no surprised gasp, no jokes, it was killing me, this was not my Anna.

"Love usually does that, it drives people crazy. Elsa, that is obvious, you didn't asked me for a 'real kiss' in a sisterly way. And that was not the first time either, you had given me those same looks since we were in high school. And there's the wig..." No, how does she knows, she couldn't, "Elsa, calm down, I would never stop loving you. Please just breathe in slowly… this changes nothing between us."

Was it that obvious, is my face and body language that poor? I'm an idiot, Rory was right, she has known all along. All I've been doing is concealing and pushing her away, expecting her to save me from the truth, when I just had to be honest and let her in, let her help me. "So, you knew everything, about the wig, about my feelings for you. Am I so bad at lying?"

"Not really, I just know all your tricks, twitches and tells. I'm your twin, Elsa," she is smiling again, this is actually working, "trying to lie to me would be like lying to a mirror."

"So, you found the wig. I guess I'm also terrible at hiding actual things as well." A bashful smile and an itching in the back of my neck.

"Didn't need to, Elsa, I sold it to you. You knew I was working at the shop that day, remember that I missed our lunch date because of it. And I was pretty surprised when you visited me, well I thought you were there to see me, but you were like a zombie just ignoring everything but the wig I braided a few days ago. I tried to be funny and put on a long brown haired wig and did my worse posh accent, but you just ignored me. Then I simply thought, 'when she brings it up, we will have a laugh about it', but you kept it hidden from me, just like everything else..." she trailed off, clearly disappointed. This is killing her, I have to stop this pain somehow.

"I couldn't sleep by myself on that vacant room, that is why I bought it in the first place, a reminiscence of you. I moved my bed so I could lay looking at the mirror on the door and pretended you were there. It's insane but, it worked, after a month I finally could slept… alone." I held myself crossing my arms low on my rib cage, the truth as liberating as it felt, it was also as a cold ice prick stinging on my chest. But it melted. Anna stood up and hold me tightly to her heart, the heat flowing into me as if in a transfusion. "It took me a month away from you to finally realize about my feelings, and how important you are to me. I was so happy when the social worker-"

"I lied to you Elsa," Anna sounded frustrated, her face was hidden in our embrace, "that woman wanted to keep us apart, just like mom, just like that stupid room assigning computer. I just needed… you, here, with me, where you belong." Her hands slid down my arms, she took a step back face in tears, her fingers finding their place between my own. "But we can't, it doesn't matter how I feel or how much you want it, the world will never allow us to be together".

"Anna, I need to hear it from your lips, I need to hear you say it." My throat felt dry, I swallowed heavy spit in anticipation, was this the moment I had fantasize about for so long.

"Even I tried to distance us, to accept us having to grow, finding a boyfriend, getting a life apart. And then a month a days after, all that I had in my head was you. I had a plan even, to keep my emotions at bay, to date someone, we would graduate and then… if it happened then, well at least we would have a degree to fall onto. Oh, that was so mom." A weak smile on her doleful face, ashamed by her actions, whether the past ones or the most recent ones, that I was unable to read from her body language.

I freed my hands to wipe away the tears that had found its way to the valley of her clavicles, I was so close to her, so that our hearts where supporting each others rhythm. My flannel shirt brushing against her loose sport salmon tank top. My lips trapping Anna's soft plump ones, our eyes closed, the oppressing world around us blurred and quiet. No one judging us, no one censoring us, nothing but our love in the flesh. Her hands roam my back until the roughness of my jeans is under her skin, blood rushing to my face and neck. My tongue venturing thru Anna's lips, exploring, massaging, learning from her delightful wordless sounds of pleasure.

I kiss the curve of her neck, breathing in her scent mixed with a feeble trace of magnolia and cloves from her perfume. My left right hand descending towards my most feared obsession, but as soon as my fingers reach the hem of her black tight leggings I am met by a high pitch gasp and her hand stopping my advance.

"We c—can't El—Elsa!" She looked afraid, not of me, of what she was feeling, just like I used to be.

"I won't, I will wait for you, Anna. No matter how much time you need, I will be patient, just like you were patient when I needed space, when I was broken in a thousand pieces and you fixed me one by one… We can wait".

Author's Note: Hello, Hi, He7 there. As I warned this will be a short story. We are close to It. Thank you @xdunoir  for the cover art. And how about the first taste :

[willgayers]

i havent been COMPLETELY thru your list of reddie fics so if youve already done something similar ignore this but. what about a sickfic where richie is sick? also maybe eddie just like, forgets about germs to take care of him and then ends up getting sick too and blaming richie and richies jus like, dude, were you here

i changed it a little but only the part where he blames richie and richie wonders if he was there !!! hope u like it :-)

again,,, sorry for the length?? but i cant write these short?? also again. IT IS WORTH IT 

so obviously eddie is TERRIFIED of germs and every time one of the losers has even a little flu he’s not gonna touch anything they touch and will stand 5 feet away from them and honestly in the end will probably just be that one friend who’s gonna say

“my mom said no”

just so that he won’t hurt his friends’ feelings even tho he really just doesn’t wanna be anywhere near them bc hey he could get it too and it could turn into something more dangerous like leper obviously

but then one tragic time… richie gets a flu

and eddie’s very torn bc he doesn’t wanna be with richie cause ???? he isn’t clean

but then again they were supposed to hangout

eddie is thinking whether he should ditch richie or not

“jesus i’ve been sneezin since 8am”

yeah eddie is not gonna go there

the gERMS ARE FLYING and just the thought makes him shiver

he’s thinking that oh well maybe tomorrow he’s gonna be ok again

spoiler alert: he’s not

so eddie suffers thru the day bc its boring at school without richie

they talk on the phone later that day and eddie’s like hey r u feeling any better

“i am nod” richie answers with a stuffed nose

eddie just sits on his bed with a facial expression that is nothing other than :(

then the day after that ,,, eddie goes to school in hopes of that maybe richie had a miracle healing last night and now he’s gonna be there

LMAO YOU THOUGHT EDS

now eddie is just gettin pissed off bc how dare his boyfriend be sick for this long

so again that night they speak on the phone

“richie jesus christ when are u gonna HEAL”

“i am do dorry eddi-spageddi bud i am just so sig”

eddie is gonna turn into hulk soon from the conflict bc he REALLY misses richie

should i stay or i should go™

(nice stranger things reference)

ok maybe eddie is gonna give it one more day.

so it’s friday and richie has missed school for almost the whole WEEK

“wow eddie you’ve been without richie for almost the whole school week how’s that feel must be a new record huh”

“shut up stan”

don’t be mean stan

eddie’s heart is breakin

again,,, he goes home from school and calls richie immediately

“ARE YOU,,,,STILL…. SICK?????”

“yeah i— *LEPER COUGH* i ah-ah-AMh *cough*”

eddie cringes because ???? oh my gosh he is turning into a zombie

“oK THATS IT”

eddie has had it

he hangs up and stomps out of the house and rides his bike to the grocery store and buys all kinds of stuff like non-caffeine tea ((bc he knows for a fact that it helps better than regular)),, some ice cream and chicken soup in a can even tho eddie thinks it’s disgusting and fights with one of the workers

“YOU DONT HAVE NORMAL,,, READY CHICKEN SOUP IN THE FRESH FOOD SECTION????”

“yeah not today”

“my bOYFRIenD haS bEeN SiCK!! FOR A WEEk and i hAVE TO BRING HIM A CAN????”

eddie shakes his head in disbelief and curses the store as he walks away

then he finally arrives at richie’s house

he knocks on the door first just in case his terrible excuse of parents are home but they aren’t

so he leans down to grab the key from under the doormat and opens the door

he walks in and stiffens his upper lip as he glances around at the sight of empty beer cans and liquor bottles and there’s just the smell of old booze and cigarettes in the air

like it’s normal (and eddie hates that it’s normal) but richie’s SICK and he should be breathing fresh air not the literal definition of the breath of a drunken bum who’s been living in the gutter

this wasn’t what he was expecting bc he figured that richie’s parents would at least open the fucking window because their son is sick inside the house

so quickly eddie makes his way to richie’s room that is at the end of the hallway and he knocks on it softly before opening the door

he finds richie sitting in his bed ,,, burrito inside blankets and he’s watching something from his laptop

his eyes are red and his face is a lil swollen and nose also v red

eddie wants to cry bc he looks so bad

“eddi???”

“yes,,, eddi to the rescue” he mocks his boyfriend’s stuffy nose voice a little

richie is literally starstruck bc ???? EDDIE IS THERE ???? EDDIE , IS THERE , WHEN HE IS SICK ????

“whad de fug edz u should go befor u ged dis doo”

“i’ve been to school without you for a week now richard im done”

richie wants to cry

eddie is still just staring at him bc he doesn’t know how to approach him since he’s still a little disgusted at the situation this is all new for him ok but he really wants to help his bf

“i bought u some stuff”

richie starts to smile wide

“BUT” eddie starts

“before i give u any”

“????”

“you’re gonna leave this house”

richie looks at him like he’s crazy

“r u serioud eddi every pard of ma badi hurts”

eddie feels so bad for him

“you don’t even have fresh air here richie so i am serious”

richie can’t take the fact that his boyfriend is such a knight in shiny armor

eddie leaves the bag for a moment to grab richie inside his blanket burrito and pull him up.

“ur gonna have to get rid of this blanket tho”

“no:(”

eddie looks at him

“srsly richie i can’t give you a ride on my bike you’re gonna fall down and roll down the hill”

“:(”

“i will give you my blanket once we’re there”

richie throws his blanket down way too fast and he starts feeling nauseous

the bike ride isn’t very aesthetic™ for him either bc his head is spinning and all of his muscles hurt and oh my gosh he’s doing his everything not to throw up on eddie’s back rn

eddie’s mom isn’t home so eddie can easily sneak richie in

he’s not sure how he’s gonna explain him living there until he’s healthy again tho

but he’s not gonna worry about that now

(fast forward;

i donT CARE THAT HE’S SICK AND INFECTED MOM,, i LoVE HiM!!!!)

so now they go into eddie’s room ( he’s basically holding richie up )

and richie settles down on eddie’s bed and eddie wraps him inside a blanket and richie is just smiling at him the whole time

“r u comfortable”

“very” richie says. the blanket smells like eds and he is in eddie’s bed. ofc he’s comfortable 

“here’s my laptop”

eddie hands him his macbook and goes to the kitchen to prepare the chicken soup. in the can. which eddie still thinks is unacceptable as he heats it up

“here”

richie is about to cry bc “did you really mage me chiggen soub”

eddie nods with a light frown like wtf obviously that’s what you eat when you’re sick

“there’s also ice cream”

“ice cream???”

“yeah it’s for the throat…???

eddie is kinda confused bc how can richie not know it helps

then it occurs to him that

richie doesn’t know, because

no one’s probably ever taken care of him when he’s sick????

i REPEAT, NO ONE’S EVER TAKEN CARE OF RICHIE TOZIER WHEN HE IS SICK

now eddie wants to cry

“scoot over”

he wants richie to be on the side next to the wall so he can lean his head on it if he wants to it’s more comfy  

with a lil trouble richie does move and eddie cuddles up next to him

literally cuddles

richie is SHOCKED

“are you sure u wanna do dat”

“100%”

richie wants to marry eddie

“wad r we watchin”

“kill bill”

“waid a minude… isn’d dis-”

“yours. yeah. i never watched it and i never gave it back so”

“u never watched dis?? oh my god eddi—”

“eat ur chicken soup and watch this movie with me now oKAY” eddie is a pissed off knight in shiny armor bc talking is just gonna exhaust richie more and he needs to get WELL

richie eats his soup and they watch the movie in silence,,,, glued to each other and at some point eddie realizes richie’s fallen asleep with his head resting towards eddie’s

eddie can’t move because he knows if he does he’s gonna wake up richie

but thankfully after like 15 minutes richie wakes up and he’s like “shid where am i”

“you’re with me”

he turns his gaze down at eddie and he remembers that yes,,, he is in fact with eddie and he just feels: ️️️️️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

well the weekend goes by and eddie goes hardcore nurse on richie and literally by sunday he is already pretty healthy like his voice is back to normal and so on

but… Oh… no

eddie and richie are eating in the kitchen

richie goes;

“baby can u pass me that ketchup”

“sure—”

SNEEZE

eddie’s eyes widen and he freezes in shock

richie looks at him like o'shit he done caught the flu

but then he starts to smile

“WELL I GUESS I WON’T BE GOING TO SCHOOL FOR ANOTHER WEEK”

“what do you mean?!?!?!”

“because obviously im gonna take care of u”

eddie is 😨😭💘😓😭💕😨😭💗

then later they tell the other losers why they’re both missing school and stanley uris wants to comment again

“so eddie u went to richie’s house??”

“yesh”

“and i thought i was romantic letting bill choose dinner”

@nopetaking @xbell22 @donthateonk8 @stenbroughbros @reddiebrekmyheart @itsgreywaterrichie @donvex @blueeyespurpleskies @ageorgymi @oh-youre-the-worst @eddiekaaspbraak @whipashwhipash @rissyq @richietoaster @edskasqbrak @waterlouis @wyattghouleff@urtury @bukiminajimu @kcutieeesblog @stansmansuris @adorefack@reddieaddict @icyeyes102@denbroughbill @graveyardshipper @taletellingsir @anxiety-freak-yuuri @rheddie @queertrashmouth 

[readinginthereadyroom]

I am very aware of my dean-centric tendencies, but I do have various and sundry headcanons for our boy sam winchester:

sam’s an addict. that doesn’t just go away because he stops drinking demon blood. he craves it all. the. time.

and there’s no 12-step program for this. but he does pop into various anonymous meetings while on the road. sometimes it’s alcoholics, sometimes it’s narcotics—doesn’t really matter, since he can’t tell the whole truth anyway. but being around other people who struggle. who fall off the wagon or don’t. it helps.

it’s also where sam’s healthy habits stem from. running is a natural high and his cravings are always worst first thing in the morning. right after dreaming and before coffee.

he’s not a vegetarian, but if he’s honest with himself he knows he’s headed in that direction. he gave up red meat pretty early on. because the thing about demon blood is it’s, well, blood. smokier. with a hint of sulpher. and all it’s mystical, addictive properties. but still blood.

not that he wants to drink human blood. ew, no. he’s not a vampire. but it is a trigger. esp a rare steak with it’s pan-fried sear... that wisp of ash and smoke and... and he doesn’t eat it anymore. no red meats. no bacon. nothing with that awful artificial smoke flavoring. and oddly, hard-boiled eggs.

also he still has psychic powers. nothing big, like telekinesis or prophetic dreams. nothing really even noticable. dean doesn’t notice. just thinks he has good instincts. knows how to dig a case out of a few headlines and some googling. which, yes. that’s just good research. but it’s also a gut feeling. a knowing. that there’s something there before he backs it up with lore.

he’s pretty sure cas knows. will give him one of those head tilt stares when sam’s not paying attention and his fingers fly over the keyboard. just a little too fast. when his first guess is always right. when he complains about having a bad feeling about a case—and then it goes bad.

cas never says anything tho. sam chalks it up to friendship. but also. it’s kinda cas’ way of acknowledging that sam’s powers, slight as they are, are not a problem. are in their own way normal. well, normal for them. for him. just another facet, like his hair, that makes sam sam.

eileen knows, too. he told her, pretty early on, when things started to become serious between them. told her his whole bloody history. terrified she’d look at him in disgust and walk out the bunker door. and never come back.

he should’ve known better.

she took it in stride. then told him her own secrets. things were amazing after that. they had some hunting wins, sam finished an online certification in database infrastructure he’d been working on, eileen and cas were spending more time in the bunker, and dean had found a vintage part for the impala he’d been searching for since they were teenagers. life was good.

until it wasn’t.

sam had gone out so dean and cas could have a date night in. he’d spent some time at the sports shop buying new running shoes and then popped into the used bookstore to pick up the books he’d ordered. he got back to the bunker late and cas and dean were (thankfully) no where to be found.

but the remnants of their dinner was still on the table. smiling, sam blew out the candles and picked up the dishes to take them to kitchen. he noticed the smell immediately. steak. rare. the kitchen reeked of smoke. he beat a hasty retreat, took a few deep breaths, and went to his room. let dean clean up his own mess in the morning.

it was about 3am when eileen got in. she’d been on a demon hunt with jody and sam had been expecting her. so he just rolled over and let her climb into bed. she threw a bandaged arm over his side, tracing OK onto his back to let him know she was fine, before promptly falling asleep. sam did too.

he woke with a shout. eileen’s side of the bed was empty. his throat felt like he’d swallowed ashes and his nose was clogged with sulpher. he’d been dreaming of ruby. his skin felt two sizes too small. he felt like screaming. or maybe crying. he needed coffee so bad.

wandering to the kitchen he found dean making bacon and eggs, humming under his breath. cas was at the table, reading a book, a giant glass of V8 in his hand.

are you kidding me. sam ran his hands thru his hair a couple of times. tried to center himself before grabbing his favorite mug from the cabinet. the air had a burnt smell to it. his mouth watered.

he almost fell out of his chair when eileen came up behind him for a hug. she was freshly showered. her wet hair smelled faintly like vanilla. it was the dark hair that had startled him. his eyes fixed on the too-red of cas’ drink. smoke and blood and sulpher clawing at his nose.

eileen kept a gentle hand on his bicep, but took a step out of his personal space. dean stopped humming. cas stopped reading. they all stared. his knee started bouncing under the table. he beat a hasty retreat.

eileen found him in the library, staring at his open laptop. she sat in the chair next to him. a silent, calm presense. she knew him too well. knew she could wait him out while he got his thoughts in order. and eventually, he did. just started talking. about the smoky kitchen last night. the way her hair had smelled of sulpher when she returned from her hunt. the dream. then the stupid juice and stupid bacon and how stupid it made him feel. how out of control.

with a nod at all the right places, eileen just sat quietly and let him talk. get it all off his chest. when it was clear he was done she called him a dumbass. scolded him for thinking he could this all his own. you’re problems are my problems, sam. you can’t just tell them to me and think I won’t lift a finger to share them.

and share them she did. hauling sam up from bis chair, eileen dragged him to the kitchen where she proceeded to rip dean and cas new ones for being so insensitive. pointing at the fridge, she made dean clean out all the red meat. upended cas’ drink in the sink and sent him to get some air freshner from the store. then she tossed sam in the shower, while she stripped the sheets of their bed and did the laundry.

he felt better after. still on edge, but better. eileen was sitting on the freshly made bed with his laptop open. she signed while talking. she’d found a narcotics anonymous one town over. I think you need a sponsor. for the bad days. like today.

as usual she was right. sam had been thinking the same for a while. eileen was the shove he needed tho. her love and intensity and fierce protectiveness the balm he needed.

it was still a bad day. but it was a little less bad because he had her at his side. sam leaned over to shut the laptop and snuck a kiss to the side of her lips. then he scooped up her hand to kiss her knuckles. a move guaranteed to make her blush.

she shoved him off the bed. now go for your run sam winchester. he laughed and did as he was told.

[myheartislookingforyoualways]

03.27.2021

Dear G,

Today started and stopped for me at first . I slept again with clothes on in our bed and I clutched little G tight as I fell asleep last night . I prayed and I begged to dream of you . Like I wouldn’t I always do that. I always dream of you. I reached out to your side of the bed and I put my hand where you would be and I said goodnight I love you then i fell asleep . I woke up sometime in the morning from the most vivid dream of you . Everything in it i saw so clearly. I saw your beautiful smile, it was sunny and we were walking somewhere . it was warm and it was a path down a forest . One of those summery days with the sun shining through the leaves on the trees . The sun would catch your hair and make your beautiful brown hair glow . We were talking and laughing . i heard your voice, your beautiful soft accent. I always kept looking over at you and into your big beautiful brown eyes. I looked at your beautiful face, your soft big lips, your beautiful nose that I love even though you don’t.  I looked at your soft shoulders as we held hands and walked through the forest together . Peacefully and in the joy of our love. Then I woke up . It was so real the dream. But waking up alone in the bed in our bedroom was too real. I was angry that I woke up to this reality. I didn’t wanna wake up. The sun was up and it was 9 or 10 but I didn’t want to wake up. When you went away the first time I would message you right away saying good morning bb and send you a picture of me in our bed. I didn’t want to wake up I was angry that I did wake up to this reality. This terrible reality right now of you gone and me here. You there and me here. I just wanted to go back to that dream so bad. Instead of saying good morning to you I just tweeted for a bit until I fell asleep again. I found little G and moved over to the side of your bed. I thought of how I always asked you to lie on top of me. That always felt so good. Your bodyweight on top of mine, resting on top of me. I asked you and I begged you to come get me. Take me away. Take me anywhere. I just wanted to go away with you. I fell back asleep and woke up around noon. More dreams of you. I just want to dream away this reality until you’re back in my life. I can’t deal with these mornings of waking up again and again, dazed and confused as to where you are for a few seconds as I come out of a dream, then I realize it again and again that you are not here and I’m just alone here in this bed, in this place and I cannot call you, talk to you, see you beautiful face . I just started off that way today. But it was noon and I had things to do for myself. The things that are getting me through every day. You know its all these little good things that are good for me that make me feel good about myself now. Nothing big nothing huge nothing major. Just the little self care things that make me feel good about myself and give me strength to tackle the bigger things day by day. Making the bed, reading my affirmations, folding my grey blanket on the edge of the bed, keeping the washroom clean, doing the dishes, making food . It goes on and on every day. I do these little things because I feel good when I do them. I do them in silence though thinking about hearing your sweet voice with your beautiful soft accent. Now its not just your smell that I want and crave its your voice. I just want to hear your voice so badly I just want to talk to you. I desperately want to reach out to you in the mornings when I wake up, I tell you goodnight to myself alone in the bedroom before I go to sleep now in clothes holding on to little G. It’s starting to become real, too real, that you are gone and I am here alone in my thoughts and I am having trouble with it its getting more and more real now. Its so real sometimes I just find it hard to breathe and I get so anxious. Its physical. I get physically anxious for you when i think of your smell, your voice, the feel of your hand in mine. I just want to come home to you. I want to bring my heart back home to our love. I just go through these really anxious moments nowadays. Moments where I just beg you to myself to call me, talk to me, anything me, just something you and me. I breathe through it as best as possible each time. Its getting closer and closer to the time I am going to email you and I am getting so worked up now and anxious about it. 

I checked your Tumblr and Twitter. When I saw your post about everything changing and it being inevitable and you being scared I just had this immediate reaction I just wanted to call you. I just wanted to reach out to you. I legit picked my phone up and down for at least twenty times. I kept putting it down and back up . I had to . Just wanted to tell you I loved you and I’m here and I’m changing yes I’m working on me but what will not ever change is my love for you, my desire to come back to us and my resolve to do everything in my power to get there . No matter how difficult no matter how long it takes. I’m so scared too G . Like yesterday lately I’ve been so scared that when I email again you will not want to give me and us another chance, that your heart will have changed that you don’t want to risk the pain again that you don’t love me like you do anymore, that you don’t see hope for us anymore. It goes on and on and on. These fears just race through my head at times. I try to only go on your social media once a day now. Its fair to myself and to you I think. I know that for whatever reasons you have and still have you’ve kept your Twitter, Tumblr and VSCO open and I am grateful for that. It’s honestly been a blessing to be able to still have a glimmer into your heart and your mind for the past four weeks and five days. Its kept me sustained. You still give to me even now. If I had to go from talking you almost every second of the day to having absolutely no communication with the love of my life I would think I would lose my mind. Don’t worry not actually. But you know what I mean. I Honestly I know that we’re still communicating with each other. I have to piece it all together though and now a month with the only way of communicating to you through this I put so much into every single little post that you do. I do my best to communicate with you too. But really the only way I do is Spotify songs. I look at your posts and when i see something that I don’t want to see I trigger myself. I do it to myself its all me doing it. Its me and only me.  Any post where it seems like you are moving on I get so scared because I am afraid that I’ve already lost you and I can’t get you back and this is it. That is the bottom line fear there. I am afraid that I have already lost you G. That is where the fear comes from. Right there. You know I’m so scared because I haven’t moved on, I don’t want to move on, I want you back. I want you back and us back.  I want you back and its a physical feeling now day in and day out. But i walk myself thru my feelings mentally and I respond to you on twitter which is really just a conversation with myself but what I would say to you if I could only talk to you. I want to really just talk to you. I want to know what you wish. I want to know what you’re feeling from your words and not just songs. I want to hear you. I want to talk it out with you. I want that so bad. I know that I will do everything I can to do the work to work on myself so that I can come back to us. I always will. I will do everything I can. I want to ask for your forgiveness. I want to ask you to start again. I want to ask you to give us another chance. I want to tell you that I will make it work. I want to tell you that I can’t lose you.  I don’t want to lose you.  I want to talk through this with you. I want to let you know that I am here. All these things I would just say. I hold back though on reaching out to you because I need to honour my promise. If the last promise I ever make to you was to not contact you before a month of sobriety then I can do that. That is the most and the best I can do for you and for us. 

The reality is that I’m putting all my expectations into this way of communicating and I’m putting all my fears there too. I just put all these expectations on these posts that I don’t need to and shouldn’t either. Because no matter how much I know you and know who you are and how you feel until the day comes when I just ask you directly and not get it from a song, a post or a tweet I just don’t know really. I guess that’s alot of where my anxiety comes from too you know. For so long I was so safe and secure in our love. No I shouldn’t say that I always have had issues with fear based love. Love based on the value of how much someone else loves me. I know that is a big thing that I still am having to confront and deal with. Co dependency versus self love. So I go through these mental checklists I guess where I self talk myself through my own issues with fear based love versus unconditional love. I’m seeing it and I’m getting it. It’s hard but I really am. Every time I go into these fear based spiral I just pull myself out of it now. A lot of what really helps these days is just making voice memos to myself. Some of them are short and wow some of them are really long. But it really helps because the act of actually talking through it verbally really helps me step back and get a better perspective. Yes I do have my fears. I acknowledge them. They are there and they are real. But they are unfounded. Unfounded because mostly I just don’t really know what you’re thinking and feeling until I actually talk with you. Firstly, while I do have a view to your Twitter and Tumblr its not really for me. Well yes I know that alot of your posts on Tumblr are especially about me and us, its also just your space where you are working through your own processes of dealing with this. I have to respect your space and time to heal and process what you’re going through with me. Your mindset, your emotions, your healing, your own sadness and guilt. These are all things that you need space and time to process. This process for you really has nothing to do with me beyond being the cause of it. So there’s that and thats the first thing. The next thing is that I just have to let go of my expectations. I have to let go if expecting anything when it comes to your choice on whether or not to come back to me, come back us, come back to you and me, give us another chance. Really another thing is that we both know each others hearts. I know your heart and you know mine. We really are still connected. You feel pain and I feel. I can feel it so much I feel it off the screen of my phone when I look at them. So questioning that is really not a thing to begin. If we didn’t love each other so much how could be so much pain in this situation we’re both in now.  So for me to pin all my expectations on this is not the right thing to to and I walk myself through this again and again and again and again.  

Hope is different though.  I still have all the hope in the world for us and I always will. No matter. If its all I have from now on so be it. But I do have for us G. I have for us because I know on the otherside of this pain there is so much, passion, joy, laughter. Everything its all there. Literally.  I acknowledge and respect that there is a process of healing that needs to happen, not just for you, but for me too, we both have to be able to heal, accept, forgive and let go of the past to be able to move forward. Together. Move forward together is what I want. But right now I don’t really know what you want. And I going to point I’m going so far mentally and emotionally and I get there. Then I get really scared again. Change had to happen. You couldn’t go like that living with me. I couldn’t go on living like that. Change need to happen. Now that I’m here I can see it. I know that you had to leave and you couldn’t stay. I know you had to let go. I accept that. I never wanted to let go though. Its wasn’t fair I know. I had no right at the time to ask you to stay. There wasn’t any choice for you. I’m exhausted and tired just thinking of it. Just thinking of the way that i thought at that time and thought somehow any of that made sense. It made no sense. It was insanity. I struggle  with my shame, guilt, anger at myself and alot of regret every day. I don’t battle myself anymore. I don’t tear myself up anymore though. I am doing my best to forgive myself. It’s hard though because all this clarity came after you left. I’m grateful you did what you did for me to make me see but I just wish too that I could have seen it sooner. I wish. I don’t stay there too long though. I keep focused on my changes that I have done. Every single little thing I’ve done I’ve done for myself. By myself for myself to myself. Every day I do the little things like I said and you know what they feel good. I haven’t felt this good about myself in a long time. Carrying around my addiction in secret always weighed me down, prevented from feeling good, beyond the actual physical stress it put on me. The weight get lighter every day. I’m not perfect i know I still have my dark moments. But the little things every day. The plan that I never had is just really little things again. They make me feel good about myself. Sobriety for me is self love and the more I practice the more i want. So much more. 

Yes i have hope. I have hope for us. I have hope for me. I have hope for you. I have for us. That’s my hope though and thats my choice to have that hope. Honestly I couldn’t have it any other way. You are the love of my life. I just cannot ever stop loving you. So I go through these feelings every day now it seems. I’m pretty sure I wrote alot of the same yesterday because its really a day to day thing with me now. Also I just miss you. Like physically miss you. Like the sadness of you being gone is just so deep in me now that its just sometimes hard to breathe. I want to dream of us because the reality of my life now is heartbreaking to me. I broke yours then I broke mine breaking yours. I’m not going back there right now though. It’s been a long day of up and down and talking myself through despair that I am just going to let it be there for now. I do and I will always have hope for us. I just want to hear your voice again G. I just want to see you again. You are with me all day and all night. You don’t know it but you are and I just want to feel you and touch you and be with you. Like there is so much I could say to you if you were right. There’s already been so much I’ve said. But I just think if you were right now I would cry, get down on my knees and hug you. I stand up and hug you so tight. I’d put my hands on your face and I would ask you for your forgiveness and I would ask you if I could kiss you and I would tell you I love you. I’d apologize for not telling you it would be ok but I’d tell I’m ok and working on me now and I would ask you if you would want to come to lie down in bed with me. I’d let you lie on my chest if you wanted to first. If you did I’d pet your hair. I’d lie there with you and listen to whatever you had to say for as long as you had to say it. I would listen to you until you didn’t have anything more to say. I would cry as you cry. I would be open and honest with you in my answers. I would just let go through what you needed to with me and let you take as long you needed to. I’d pet your hair the whole. I’d kiss you forehead and cheeks. I’d hold hand and grab your elbow with my hand like I always did when you layed your head on my chest. If we got sleepy together I’d fall alseep with you just like that or any way you wanted to. I’d let you fall alseep and I would watch you fall asleep and I would pet your face like I always used to do when you were asleep and you never knew I did it. Maybe you did. I don’t think you did. I didn’t it much anymore but i still did. I’d talk to you softly while you were sleeping. I did that sometimes too. Again I don’t think you ever knew. I’d keep talking to you petting your face until I fell asleep. And we both slept together. That would be my biggest dream. The dream of us dreaming together again. I am getting peaceful thinking of that. It’s a deep longing you I have now G . I miss you in so many ways. I miss you in ways I never even thought were possible until I left. I miss your heart. I miss your soul. I miss your spirit. I miss your you. I miss the person that you are being the person that you are when you are with me. I miss being your person. My heart aches . 

I love you so much.

So much my love

I want to dream of you again. 

I want to dream of the way you used to make those little noises with your lips when you wanted me to kiss you. 

I want to dream of your whimpers.

Bb I fucking miss you so much.

Can I can back home?

Its so cold out here. 

I love you.

I want the same dream as last night. 

[avengerofyourheart]

Leave This Town Pt 11 (Mechanic!Bucky AU)

Characters: reader, Bucky, Tony Stark, Steve (mentioned)

Summary: After leaving the small town life behind, you’ve worked hard to make your dreams come true. When something unexpected brings you home, you’re brought back to the place where everything changed. Timing is everything and now there just might be a second chance with the man you left behind.

Song Inspiration: Angela by The Lumineers

Warnings: Fluff, small cliffhanger? oops.

Word Count: 3.6k

Tags are at bottom (TAG LIST IS CLOSED I’M SORRY)

**This fic is for @bionic-buckyb ‘s 5K AU Writing Challenge**

A/N: Oof. This part was a bit of a struggle with a lot going on in my work and personal life. Thank you for your understanding when I needed to extend my usual posting deadline. I really hope you enjoy this part and I love any feedback you have to share! I love you all!!! <3

<<<Part 10   Part 11   Part 12>>> 

Leave This Town Masterlist

Full Masterlist

_____________________________________________________

Previously:

“Hi. You made it,” you said with a laugh, beaming.

“I did,” he said with a chuckle. “Made good time, too. Just couldn’t wait any longer to get to you,” he admitted, capturing your lips in another kiss.

Breaking apart, you finally took in the vehicle that had brought him here with a wide smile. “Is that what I think it is?”

He smirked then, turning towards the car but keeping an arm around your waist. “Yup. The Impala.”

__________

“It’s….it’s incredible. I can’t believe you finished it! I didn’t see it at the shop when I was there, though,” you inquired, still in disbelief that you were finally holding Bucky in your arms here in the City of Angels.

“Well,” he began with a quirked eyebrow, “It still wasn’t much to look at for a long time, but once I decided to come out here, I knew I wanted to arrive in style,” he grinned, squeezing you tighter to his side.

“And you’ve succeeded. You did all this yourself in 6 weeks?” you asked, reaching a hand out to caress the shiny black paint of the hood.

“No, not alone. And it took longer than that. I did finally have the time to work on it slowly once I had help, but I spent the past month showing Pete how to rebuild an engine and this was the perfect way to do that. I found a good parts dealer and once it was drivable, I took it to a place a few hours away and did the paint job myself. They only charged me for materials,” he declared proudly with a smile.

“It’s amazing. You’re amazing,” you stated, turning back toward him and raising a hand to thread your fingers in his chestnut strands. “I’ve missed you so much.”

His only response was to pull you close and capture your lips with his, pulling your body flush against his. You were lost in each other once again before you remembered your possible audience and reluctantly took a step back.

You cleared your throat with a smile and turned back toward the Impala. Leaning down to glance into the car’s black leather interior, your gaze lingered on the back seat that held so many memories. You straightened up then and grasped Bucky’s hand in yours. “We’ll have to take it for a ride. Later,” you said, wiggling your eyebrows, which made him laugh. His throaty chuckle was one of your favorite sounds in the world.

“Absolutely,” he replied with a grin. Bucky dropped your hand then, walking around and popping the trunk. He retrieved his duffle bag and, to your surprise, his guitar nestled in a hard black case. He noticed your reaction upon seeing the instrument and smirked. “You seemed to enjoy my last private performance,” he whispered and pecked a kiss to your lips.

You felt heat rise to your face at the memory and a familiar warmth in your belly began to flare. “I’m ready for an encore,” you answered coyly before leading him up the front step and into the house.

Bucky set his things in the living room and you gave him a short tour of the first floor, ending in the kitchen. Bucky offered to help finish the meal, but you assured him it was all under control. You told him he could take a seat at the table, but after sitting in the car for so many hours, he preferred to remain standing as he leaned against the counter and watched you. Feeling his eyes on you was plenty distracting, but he also happened to be wearing those jeans that hugged his thighs and backside perfectly along with a dark grey t-shirt that accentuated his muscular chest and arms.

A few finishing touches and you finally put all the food on the table with Bucky taking a seat across from you. He dove in, complimenting your cooking and grateful for a meal that didn’t come from a drive-thru. Not even fifteen minutes into dinner, though, you found that food was no longer your primary desire. Brushing your bare foot against his calf and then higher up past his knee, you noticed that Bucky had stopped eating and set down his fork.

You held his gaze and smirked at his reaction, stormy-grey eyes now merely a sliver with their color hidden by lust-blown pupils. He then quickly pushed his chair away from the table to stand as you did the same. Bucky tossed you over his shoulder, a squeal escaping your lips as he bounded up the stairs two at a time and easily found the bedroom down the hall.

Bouncing lightly as your back hit the mattress, you wasted no time to rid yourselves of restrictive clothing and grasped for one another, seeking skin against skin. Each touch felt brand new as you joined together, restoring what time and distance had separated over the torturous months apart.

Afterward as you settled into each others’ arms to rest, you inhaled deeply to calm your breathing. A hint of salty air touched your nose from the breeze slipping through the balcony door that was open a inch. Feeling whole once again with Bucky in your arms, you sighed contentedly and fell into a deep, blissful sleep.

________________

Brightness grew behind your lids bringing you slowly to consciousness before your lashes fluttered open. Gathering the sheet around you and glancing to the side, your foggy brain registered that Bucky was nowhere in sight. The sheets where he previously lay were cool and your brow furrowed in confusion until you took a deep breath and a delicious smell invaded your senses. Ripping the sheet free from the bed, you wrapped it around yourself and followed the scent downstairs to the kitchen.

Bucky stood at the stove wearing only a pair of sweatpants slung low on his hips, his sculpted torso bare and glorious. The smell of pancakes made you salivate almost as much as the delicious man before you.

“What’s all this?” you asked in a raspy voice, finally announcing your presence.

“Good morning,” Bucky replied as he turned your way with a smile. “You made dinner last night so I thought I’d return the favor. Had to rummage through cupboards for a bit, but I found everything.” He closed the distance between you with spatula in hand, pressing a fiery and passionate kiss upon your lips. His free hand wandered underneath the sheet, seeking the supple flesh underneath.

“Mmm,” you groaned against his mouth. “I’ll definitely need those carbs if we’re gonna go another round,” you smirked, shoving him playfully.

“If?”

“When,” you said with a wink, then settling in a chair at the table while you watched him putter around your kitchen. It was a sight you could definitely get used to.

“So besides carb-loading and ‘another round’, what else is happening today?” he asked, sliding a few pancakes onto a large plate.

“Well, I was thinking maybe we could hit the beach later and then take a drive up the coast. We could do some of the tourist-y stuff, if you want. Rodeo Drive, Grauman’s Chinese Theatre with the Hollywood Walk of Fame, hike up to the Hollywood sign…I’ve done most of that stuff but tend to avoid those areas now because of traffic,” you answered with a shrug.

“I’m okay with whatever, as long as it’s with you,” Bucky smiled, pecking another kiss on your lips before setting down the plate and a bottle of maple syrup on the table. “The beach and a drive sounds good to me. Although, I didn’t bring any swim trunks. In fact, I’m not sure I own any…”

You snorted. “I figured as much, so I bought a few for you. Pick the ones you like and I’ll return the others,” you said, spearing a few pancakes and putting them on your own plate before grabbing the syrup.

“Thanks, doll.”

“You’re welcome,” you answered through a mouthful of fluffy pancakes.

He chuckled at that, then digging into his own plate. “So how does the premiere thing work tomorrow?”

You held up a finger as you struggled to chew and swallow a large bite of pancake, then clearing your throat. “Mm. Well, I have a wardrobe team coming in the morning. They’ll have a few suits for you to try on and they can make any small alterations. I gave them rough sizing for you, but without measurements it’s more of a challenge. I’ve already picked out a dress, so it’s just jewelry and shoes I’ll need to choose. We’ll start getting ready in the late afternoon, but have a few hours to ourselves if there’s something you want to do,” you finished, stuffing another heavenly bite of pancake in your mouth.

Bucky nodded, dragging a forkful of pancake through the pool of syrup on his plate. “Sounds good.”

You were distracted then. A drop of syrup fell from a bite an inch from your mouth with the sticky substance hitting your bare skin and disappearing underneath the sheet that covered you. “Damn,” you muttered, reaching for a napkin. “Now I’m all sticky.”

Bucky watched you as you pulled the sheet lower and failed to clean the drip. “I can think of a better way to clean that off,” he responded in a low voice, dragging his tongue across his bottom lip.

You paused in movement and held his gaze, a smile stretching across your face as you shared the same thought. Pancakes forgotten, you leapt from the table with Bucky at your heels, barely pausing to grab the bottle of maple syrup. You squealed as he grabbed a handful of your sheet and you spun out of his grasp, running the last few steps without a stitch of clothing on as you headed for the bedroom.

______________

After your sticky, sensual adventures that late morning, you shared a shower and then got dressed for the beach. Bucky settled on a pair of dark blue board shorts that hit him just above the knee, but still thankfully accentuated his assets. You slipped on your swimsuit followed by a cover-up and grabbed towels, umbrella, sunscreen, a hat, and a few snacks before packing it all into the Impala.

The engine growled to life and you clapped your hands in glee, sliding in next to Bucky with his arm around you.

“It’s gorgeous, Bucky. Really. You did an amazing job restoring it,” you praised him, placing a hand on his thigh.

“Thank you,” he smiled gratefully with those laugh lines by his eyes making an appearance. You loved them even more when you knew you were the cause of them. “So where to?”

You directed him out of your neighborhood and onto the freeway heading toward a more secluded beach about ten minutes away that you had discovered a while back. Parking, you slipped off your sandals and linked your hand with Bucky’s as you strolled through the sand toward the water.

Dropping the towels and bags in the sand, you had set up a beach umbrella and laid down with your face in the shade while Bucky went into the water. It wasn’t long before a very wet Bucky shook his damp hair in your face and you jumped to your feet to retaliate. You spent the rest of the afternoon chasing each other in the waves and splashing one another until you were both exhausted and soaked. The pair of you settled back on the towels as you made out lazily on the sand with hands wandering occasionally.

Eventually, the snacks were gone and you were both starving, so you gathered everything and crawled back into the Impala. Bucky drove under your direction to a casual sandwich shop a few miles away. You ate outside, watching the sun slip below the ocean until the sky was painted with pinks and oranges.

Darkness began to fall as Bucky drove up the coast with you by his side. He pulled over into a secluded, scenic overlook and killed the engine. Far from the city, you were finally able to see the stars begin to twinkle in the velvety sky, so you and Bucky got out and sat on the car’s trunk, laying on the back window wrapped in each other’s arms. Bucky shared the constellations he knew and pointed out visible planets at this time of year. He always loved space and was in awe of astronauts who had been there, the true heroes of our time according to him.

A shiver ran through you as the breeze picked up and Bucky pulled you closer, rubbing a hand over the goose bumped flesh of your arm with his lips finding yours. The kiss progressed until you hopped off the car and Bucky was holding the rear door open for you, climbing onto the familiar back seat. A little less head room with an actual roof, but you managed to recreate that sweaty goodbye over two years ago that had inexplicably led to this moment.

Each goodbye since then, no matter how impermanent, you had learned to appreciate each moment you spent together. You didn’t want to waste one second, one touch, one word. Which possibly prompted your unexpected confession in the back of the ’67 Chevy under the stars.

“I love you, Bucky.”

Your words hung in the air a short moment and you raised your head off his chest where it had been resting to meet his eyes. Perhaps you had expected shock or disbelief, but you only found the same expression of love most likely mirrored on your own face.

“I love you, too, Y/N,” he admitted, grasping the back of your head gently to capture your lips in a kiss to seal those first words of love into that perfect moment.

_____________

The next morning, you were woken at 8am by a ring of the doorbell. Having neglected to set an alarm, you cringed at the sight of your morning hair and bags under your eyes in the mirror before rushing down the stairs, but at least it offered the miracle team a challenge. You let the team in and they brought garment bags, boxes full of shoes, and other accessories. They set up in the living room and you scampered back upstairs to gently wake Bucky, who was still sound asleep, with kisses and mild tickling. He grumbled and whined a bit, but eventually, you convinced him to lumber down the stairs and got him to try on some suits with the promise of some alone time soon.

You went into the kitchen and made some fruity kale smoothies for everyone, careful of any allergies or dietary issues. Presenting a glass of the frosty liquid to each person, you then tried on and selected a pair of shoes and jewelry for the premiere. The two tailors working on Bucky’s suit complained that they didn’t know your boyfriend’s shoulders were so wide or his thighs so thick, which just made you laugh as the long-haired brunet blushed at their comments.  

An hour and a half later, you waved goodbye to the wardrobe team and thanked them for being willing to work so last minute. Both yours and Bucky’s outfits were laid out on the couch, pressed and ready for you to change into in a few hours.

Upon asking Bucky if there’s anything he wanted to do in the meantime, he simply answered that he wanted to stay in and watch a movie, which was perfectly fine with you. Bucky whipped up a simple lunch and you ate in the TV room while the movie played. It was a perfect, quiet afternoon in anticipation of the craziness to come later that night.

You were roused once again by the doorbell, having drifted off some time during the movie. Crawling off the couch slothfully, you then pulled Bucky up by his hands and stretched.

“The cavalry is here. Time to make us pretty,” you teased, pecking a kiss on his lips before leading him downstairs by the hand.

Hair and makeup had arrived along with one member of the wardrobe team to help you both dress. The whole process took about two hours involving Spanx, double-stick tape, and a lot more primping than you cared to do on a regular basis. With your hair and makeup flawless and strapped into an expensive dress that hugged you just right, you hardly recognized yourself in the full-length mirror. On nights like these, you weren’t actually yourself, but more like someone playing a part. It was all for show but you got to be a real life princess for the evening.

Utterly distracted by your own transformation, you looked up in surprise to see Bucky fully dressed and looking devastatingly handsome. His long, chestnut strands were slicked back into a small bun with a small amount of stubble on his chiseled jaw. The slate grey suit tapered gracefully from his wide muscular shoulders down to his trim waist with a crisp white shirt and tie underneath. Pants with a clean pleat down each leg were tailored perfectly, causing you to let out a low whistle and rotate your hand with one finger out so he would give you a stunning 360 degree view.

“Not bad, huh? They tried to make me shave, but…”

“Good. I’d fight for that stubble, too,” you grinned, biting your lip as a wave of lust pulsed through you. “You look incredible, Mr. Barnes,” you said as you stepped toward him, ignoring the protests of the woman still hemming a section of your dress.

“God, you look gorgeous in that dress,” Bucky stated with love in his eyes, wrapping his arms around your waist and kissing you gently. “I can’t wait to rip it off you later,” he added with a lustful whisper.

“Hey, no ripping. It’s a rental,” you spoke sternly. “But I can’t wait to get my hands under that suit either,” you said with a wink and then stepping back into place to have your hem repaired.

Fifteen minutes later, you had fixed your lipstick a few times after being unable to stop kissing your hunky boyfriend, but you were officially ready. You grabbed your clutch purse with the essentials and slid into the back of the chauffeured car that Tony had sent. Bucky wanted to drive, but you told him that parking was just too insane. He laughed at the fact that you had to slouch in your seat and avoid bending at the waist to prevent wrinkles. You swatted at his arm with a chuckle of your own, or as much as you could in your tight dress.

Your driver took you to the back entrance as per instructions, but you could see the madness of the red carpet with cars and people wrapped around the block. You thanked the driver and he handed you a card with the number to call when you were ready to leave. Looping your arm in Bucky’s, you both took a deep breath and approached the door where a security guard asked for your name and checked IDs. He opened the door with a nod and you stepped into the venue with another man directing you down the hall and into a reception room.

Bucky’s eyes grew wide to see the high-ceilinged room with crystal chandeliers and gilded doorways. Theaters like this were built specifically for these kind of premieres with an area for cocktails and canapés beforehand. Guests were dressed in their finest, sparkling and shining in every shade of gown for women and handsome men in suits from every designer. You noticed Bucky had stiffened slightly with a clench of his jaw, nervous to be in such an unfamiliar setting.

You gave his arm a squeeze and drew his attention to you until he met your gaze. “Hey. It’s not as intimidating as it looks. Tonight is a celebration and it should be for fun. If it’s not, you tell me and we can go, okay?” you offered.

He focused on you alone and took a deep breath, allowing himself to smile again. “I’m okay. But thank you. I love you,” he said quietly, carefully pecking a kiss to your painted lips without smudging them.

“I love you, too. Thank you for this. For coming all this way and supporting me, you have no idea what it means to me,” you assured him with a smile.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” he replied.

“There you are, Y/N,” a voice spoke loudly as you saw a familiar face approaching.

“Hi, Tony,” you replied as he pulled you in for a loose hug and a peck on the cheek.

“You look ravishing, Y/N. Vastly different from the usual ‘haggard writer’ look I see through Skype while you’re begging me for a deadline extension,” he teased, smirking with a wink behind a pair of tinted glasses.

You rolled your eyes slightly, “Yes, well, we can’t all look as perfect as you at all times, Tony.”

“Seriously, though, you look lovely. And this must be the handsome distraction and the reason why I couldn’t get my writer to focus for half the year,” Tony joked as he turned his attention to Bucky.

“He’s kidding, Bucky,” you assured him when you saw your boyfriend blanch at your agent’s words. “I can distract myself from writing all by myself. Tony Stark, this is Bucky Barnes. Bucky, this is my agent, Tony,” you said in introduction as the two men shook hands.

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Stark,” he said respectfully.

“Please, just call me Tony. And it seems you were a means of inspiration as well, so I guess I’ll forgive you. I have to go schmooze some more, but just a heads up, Rogers at 12 o’clock,” Tony leaned in to whisper those last few words before he walked away with a nod.

Your eyes flew wide and within seconds, you discovered the man’s perfectly styled dirty-blond hair and a pair of bright blue eyes met yours from across the room. He smiled and raised a hand in greeting before making his way toward you.

“Is that Steve Rogers?” Bucky asked with a tone of admiration in his voice. “Looks like he’s headed this way. Are you two close friends?”

“Um…” you hesitated, watching Steve’s progress across the room as he continued to shake hands and greet people along the way. “About that. There’s something I should probably tell you…”

_______________

Part 12>>>  

________________________________________________________

Aaahh!!! I know, sorry about that cliffhanger but it had to be done! Still planning on just one more part to go and I do hope I can have it done for next Monday, but no guarantees. I’m actually headed on vacation for the whole week and while I hope I can do some writing, I’m not sure right now. I love each and every one of you and your love for this series! It’s become quite the monster to write but I’ve loved every minute of it. Any feedback is appreciated and thank you so much for reading. :) 

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[stretchjournalemerson]

My Phantom Limb

By Graysen Winchester

1

Being without you is like having a phantom limb. I felt your heart beating tonight, next to mine.

2

Happy Birthday my beautiful girl. I can’t express how happy I am for you. I could see it & feel it the moment we started to move you into your dorm. You were lighter. And I exhaled. I know you will have days that don’t go like you would like them to… but the most important thing is you are where you are supposed to be. Your heart and soul yearned for this opportunity. You worked so hard for it & you earned it. I always tell you to eat well & nourish your body. Practice self-care and feed your soul. Emerson and Boston is feeding your soul. You get to study the things you are passionate about & you get to be surrounded by culture, like minded people & history. It makes my heart happy that you are happy. 19 years ago today I gave birth to the most beautiful soul. I am grateful for all the beauty you have given the world & the beauty you have given to the people who know and love you. I love you so much! I hope you have a wonderful day. Enjoy dinner with your friends. 

Always & Forever,

Mom 

3

Memory is notably untrustworthy, but childhood memories are especially so. I have many memories from our old house that I visit in my head, often retold and reshaped so much that they have taken on new forms. When I first got my license, I used to drive past that house every month just so I wouldn’t forget it. The new owners put on solar panels and redid the driveway that my brothers used as a dirtbike jump. As I drove past the house I would fantasize about going inside, seeing the house that I never got to say goodbye to. Memories would flash by, as they do, in glimpses, feelings. The time before dinner, after my mom got back from the hospital where I promised myself that I would be the perfect daughter. I sat in my room, Taylor Swift posters covering every corner, promising myself that I wouldn’t ever add to the pain she felt. I would have to be the thing that kept her sane. 

4

My mom always loved to scream at me when we were in the car, preferably on a long drive, preferably when it was just the two of us. This way she knew she could be as loud as she wanted and if I tried to speak she could turn up the radio so loud that I wouldn’t be heard. I was leaving soon to Boston, and we both had a lot to say but we weren’t saying anything. We had been planning this day for a long time, a day where we both didn’t work and a day where we could sort out loans, money, housing, money, money, did we have enough money? We both knew that we didn’t, but we both knew I was going to leave anyways.

“Have you applied for any loans yet, Graysen?”

“No mom, just like the past hundreds of times you asked, I still need a cosigner and I don’t know which loans to even apply for.”

“Okay.” 

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Really?”

“Really, what?” 

“Did I say something?”

“No.”

We are in the Starbucks drive thru and a minute passes by. We sit in silence.

“Why are you acting so stupid about this?” I say, thinking this will break the tension.

As I said this, she sits up straight, smirks aggressively, and lets out one sharp breath. To most, these three gestures would go unnoticed, but as an expert of my mother’s passively hostile cues, my stomach dropped. Soon she would be digging her fingernails into the steering wheel. 

“Should we even go to lunch? Obviously you don’t need my help.”

I revert to recovery mode, telling her anything that I think that she wants to hear. I didn’t mean “stupid”. I just say that sometimes to mean lots of other things. I’m not the best with words, I’m sorry. Why do we need to fight? Yes, I need your help, of course I do. I’ve always needed you, I always will. She is past convincing, but I don’t know it yet. We head to a sandwich shop, something I suggested.

“We could go somewhere else.”

“No, this is fine.” she says flatly.

We order and sit down. I try to talk about loans, she dismisses the subject saying that I clearly don’t want her help. I don’t appreciate her and I never have. She brings out all the stops. Everything in the history of my life, every instance in which I fell short. Every time I took her for granted, she keeps a tally in the back of her head. I know when she is about to dig her fingernails into the steering wheel and she knows exactly what to say so that I cry so hard that my nose bleeds. It starts with a choked plea, an apology, but she won’t hear me. Before long, she gets to the hard hitters. I pay for your therapy, I do everything for you, why do you refuse to be happy? She storms out to the car, throwing her sandwich away, not one bite taken. I shuffle to follow her, realizing that people are trying not to look at the scene we had just made, the tears streaming down my face, the uneaten sandwich stuffed in the trash can.

I am trapped in the car as she screams. I have never screamed at anyone at the volume at which she can scream at me. I suppose I’ve never been a mom before, I’ve never gone through what she has, but I can’t imagine screaming so loud. I can’t imagine weaponizing words told in confidence, words told reluctantly. I am crying so hard, no longer listening to what she is saying, trying not to let her dig any deeper. I focus on the blood dripping from my nose and running down my leg. I hated myself because she hated me. If she, the one who knows me best, can hate me like this, who could ever love me?

I get home and I want to drive away but my mom takes my keys. After cleaning the blood from my face, I run barefoot to the park. My grandma asks my mom what happened. She says nothing. I call my aunt and she talks me down, driving to our house to make sure I’m okay. She says that my mom is just going to miss me a lot and that she has a funny way of showing it. She loves me too much. I wonder, is this what love looks like?

5

After I got out of a performance I knew that my mom would be there. She was always there and she always brought flowers, even when I told her that she didn’t need to do that. 

6

Before I left for college, I decided to see my grandma that I hadn’t seen for seven years. I didn’t mean for seven years to pass, but it did. I always said we would get dinner, but things were complicated and I didn’t like pretending. But I was an adult now and she never did anything to me. It was her son, not her, that I didn’t want to talk to. We talked about the basics: college, hobbies, the past seven years. I felt like I was introducing myself to someone that I should know. My brothers knew her so well. Things were going great. She told me about the day I was born and how she was up the night before crafting a wreath, how she had a psychic crafty feeling that I was going to be born. Everything went well until she said that she wished my mom would have let us do this earlier. This, I took issue with. This statement was one I was used to hearing from my dad, one that completely undermined any sense of agency on my part. One that painted me as a puppet of my mother’s, which I was not. I have never been someone’s, this is something I needed to make clear. I told myself I wasn’t going to get hostile, but my voice got stern when I explained to her that my mom has always tried her best, always given us all she could, that I love her very much, that she encouraged me to talk to my dad’s side of the family, that I was the one who chose not to talk until now. She didn’t talk about my mom after that. 

7

My mom loves to tell the same story over and over again. Even new stories have the same ring to them as the old ones do. 

8

Last Christmas, my mom got my brothers and I matching framed photos of a hummingbird. In the gift, there was a lengthy handwritten explanation. Hummingbirds are symbolic in native cultures… hummingbirds are seen as healers and bringers of love, good luck and joy. She wanted that for us always. She said that we had to keep these hummingbirds until the day we die. She said that if we didn’t, she would haunt us from the grave. We laughed about it, I promised I would have that hummingbird with me on my wedding night and on my deathbed. I forgot to pack it when I came to Boston.

Acknowledgements

I would like to thank my mom for everything she has given to me and her continuous love. I would also like to thank Joan Didion for the inspiration for this essay and her uniquely refreshing approach to writing. Thank you also to Professor Mary Kovaleski Byrnes and Tatum Jenkins for the help in revision of this essay.

[theliterateape]

Long Bang

By Dana Jerman

THAT DREAM AGAIN ABOUT NO FEET. Not having them, not needing them. Third time in a month. Dream dictionary says: no feet = no ground. No perspective of self as a steady or unmoving thing.

So, it's a good dream then, for a dancer.

Nurse. A cigarette. Just as well a needle... No. I shouldn't say that. Ever. Especially not around her. Never again. I don't mean it.

I'm hungry is all.

Snow at four feet. Clogging doorways into mother's mother's house. First holiday without mother's father and I'm giddy with cleaning drawers. Only because it's too cold to dance where I'd like.

I try anyway.

Mothers. I don't need any more of them. Had enough, don’t care. Maybe others do.

Mother's mother chooses television as her playground. Meanwhile the sound of my toe shoes around the house. Total silence in careful climbing of carpeted stairs. Into the guest room for brief leg work. Back down and past kitchen, past television.

The routine. This time with an empty oversized gin bottle in each hand. Mother is at the far table. Her profile haloed in smoke.

On cue my fucking hip bumps the near-empty china cabinet and the light clink-rattle shakes her attention toward me. Her drowning face relates judgement like a long bang. I can't look away.

I didn't drop the bottles. Nothing is broken. Still she's out with her cold phrasing:

–Enough pointe today.

Night.

They are sleeping when I pull the box of grandfather's things. Mine now, if I can keep them hidden. 

I roll his dice: 12, 12, 11, 2. I masturbate to the instructional video for his penis pump. Let my hands slip idly thru tarnished watches and jewelry. My voice utters some underlined passages from his pocket bible.

If I've even thought I've heard my mother, I'm being too loud.

That night, the dream starts in an elevator. Then cars made of glass. The world is emitting a sound like the duct system in the house while I trip and kick on scattered upturned screwdrivers in the street.

Girls are watching a boy on a bike go past watching me. I am a dancer and I have danced through all these places, these rooms.

I am naked except for my feet: wrapped in pointe shaped gun barrels, standing atop a spotlight, turning, turning in slow motion as if trapped in a jewel box...

Won't try again today. Ankle feels a twist and mother is out walking in the worst of the snowstorm.

A kid appears to smash the doorbell. After I let him track a whole snowdrift in along with himself, I see the skull ring on his index. He smells like soaking linens and beer.

"I'm the paperboy. I run errands for Mrs. Jensep sometimes too. But, I uh, won't be able to this Christmas. My dad lives in Winchyn County now and..."

He overstates himself. I listen and watch. Stare politely back with a calm smile as he tries so very hard to keep his eyes off my chest.

Mother arrives later with a man. They talk, hushed and glamorously, in the drafty study as if they've known each other for years and maybe they have. I think I try not to care so much that she doesn't make introductions.

Joints are frozen. I gulp tea. Burning all the way down.

A day to Christmas. Five hundred days clean and I'm sick right on time. Why?

Last thing is mother's mother calling, yelling. It's 11:30 p.m. 

When I wake again it's 4:30 p.m. I am a forgotten thing in the weather of the house which is cold on my face and nose like a chill this time way past normal. Freezer cold.

Five sweaters and a hat find me breathing vapor in the kitchen. Predictably, mother left cigarettes and no note, so I have one over orange juice.

And I make myself concerned suddenly with just where those same mothers have gone absent to, with the indoor weather something now intolerable.

Upstairs the groggy silence has me hovering over my own kit. What?

My own kit. Open. Used.

Shit. Mother? Mother! That fucking useless medicator. Using. And that man. No wonder. I could keep speculating...

Phone. How long has the phone been ringing? My head.

My forehead feels like summer in the pan-equatorial south. I am not a temperate climate.

–The heat is out. Your grandmother will get sick.

–Fuck you, I'm sick now. It's a goddamn icebox.

–Sorry.

–When were you gonna tell me. Are you coming back?

–Later. It's Christmas, of course.

–Does that mean you dose on the eve with your daughter's gear? Where did you find it?

(Silence)

–Bitch answer me. If you hang up I'll find y-

(Click)

FUCK! Fucking predictable medicator! Why am I even here? Is it for her sake or mine that I can't go back? Or forge ahead? I've descended utterly from the things that excavate my own trash and attempt to haunt me with it. No more. Not one more minute more.

I am unequivocally sane with lividness in the purple light, the dusk. The kit under arm. Shovel. Flashlight. These sweatpants aren't warm enough and snow is getting all into boots and socks. This is might be dancing, but this is not dancing.

Yes, it's Christmas. Why is it here without you? I'm dropping myself uphill toward your grave and I should have better things to bury. Maybe the dice, maybe those playing cards with nudies, the Sinatra records.

Cold. Cold. Cold digging. Dark. Black Christmas, this. I'm sorry. I miss you grandpa, and this is my shitty offering, and I loved you so much, still love you, and I'll keep going, digging with my frozen hands... you can take this away from me and make me better, make us, make it, all better... here, press the dirt back. Pack it hard back over you... don't know, I'm feeling hot in all this cold grandpa, I've got a fever but I can't stop digging, can't stop dancing, can't dance with all this, you've got to take this away because I can't... Oh, help… Who? Oh. Oh, okay.

Dream. Some lullaby. Subtitles I can't read. A boy calling back dictation from the TV, still can't understand. We're barefoot in the vocal snow beyond the reach of other children. Nymph-like, they churn numbers onto a bleached receipt, I watch. I am also supposed to read this and understand, but don't.

Then I put on the jacket left in a canyon. The pocket filled with snowflakes. Melting snowflakes...

–Hello? Hello? Merry Christmas?

–What.

–Merry Christmas?

–Shhh. Shh. Too loud.

–Oh. Okay. Sorry. You look better now.

–Huh?

It’s warm. Melting warm under blankets in a bed. The paperboy's voice. I didn't know where I was, but I checked and still had sort of a fever. Holy shit, this kid probably saved me from exposure.

–Mrs. Jensep called about the house. She told my mom your heat was off and it was supposed to keep snowing and mom said I wasn't supposed to go out but I did and saw you leaving and followed you. Yeah.

–Wait, weren't you going to your dad's?

–He, he said not to come...

The paperboy shrugs between our eye contact and starts with his face crumpling in on a cry good enough for both of us. Bolt upright I grab him into the bed and rock and hold him and kiss his hair. His hand reaches up for my arm and the skull ring splashes in my vision like a chime and everything goes flat like in my cinematic dreams and I don't fight because I'm cured. Everything can be better now..

It's Christmas and all of us who really count are right here again, dancing.

[caninelymphoma-blog]

14. Looking for that silver lining... But it isn’t there.

30 Mar - Toby slept a little better in his make shift oxygenated box the night before and Junie does an amazing job checking on him thru the night. I think she needs to rest up more or she will fall sick... same goes for our helper Bel and mom. Without everyone helping out, i don’t think Junie and I could have managed this.  

Today is also D-day as we head into Dr Tham’s w the intention of giving Toby a risky dose of L-aspar. Right now it feels like this is the only thing that can save him, but it might also kill him. We decide together that it’s for the best. Emotions run high.. The mood in the clinic is sombre because they know Toby is gravely ill since they last saw him.

He survives the shot and we head back home where he rests all day. His legs are still weak and we just keep praying. Just like how some customers came over and prayed over Toby, Joo Mee my cousin also comes over and she too prays over him with holy oil. We are so touched because she was so wonderfully positive and she stays to chat for a long time.

1 April - Toby’s the same, refuses to eat so it’s syringe feeding all the way. He hates it and so do we. We go for car rides and we pray he makes it to his 14th birthday tomorrow.

2 April Tue - Happy Birthday puppy bear. Korkor and jiejie have been sleeping in the living room with you because this is the best arrangement. It’s been storming a lot lately and the nights are often filled with thunder and heavy downpours. We try our best to sleep through it. it make us tired during the day but being there with you means everything to us. We went to see Dr Tham today cos Toby is running out of Vetmedin and that’s very important to keep him alive. we ask if we should try acupuncture. 

Dr Tham advises against going to Dr Tai for acupuncture as he recounted that one of his lymphoma patients had his cancer spread because Dr Tham did acupuncture on him and the circulation improved and so the cancer had a free pass to other parts of the body. We deliberate and decide to go anyway tomorrow. If we stay on this current trend relying on food and meds, it feels like Toby will get progressively worse and die anyway.

3 April - We wait ages for Dr Tai. It cost us 3 hours at her clinic but it was worth it, Toby seems brighter after his acupuncture session with her and he also had an x-ray to determine what’s up with his system. She thinks he still has pancreatitis hence she prescribes Famatodine (Pepcid) which I think should help him get better faster so he can start eating on his own. She prescribes 2 Chinese herbal mixtures (HQT and EG) Both Toby swallowed without putting up a fight. The other two supplements she prescribed probiotics and also Tricosamine which is a mixture of glucosamine, chondritin and HA. She noted that Toby had fluid in his lungs on one side and asked us to step up the dose of Furosimide to ½ tab instead of the ¼ tab Dr Tham recommended. She also recommended foods rich in potassium e.g potatoes, banana and mushrooms will help the increase of absorption of nutrients and helping his back legs too.

X-rays showed that the gaps in his spine were too small and it was causing him discomfort. His back legs became very weak because of lack of circulation and pretty bad osteoarthritis. His lungs are fairly clear, heart is quite large and pressing against his trachea hence the breathing difficulties and this means we have to make sure when we feed him he’s sat at a 45 degree angle so that he won’t aspirate the food that is fed to him into his lungs.

Abdomen looks fairly clear, and his rib cage is puffed up because he is trying to to maximize the space in there because he needs to breathe and he expands it like fish gills. So she also taught us some massage techniques that might help him gain mobility.

Later in the evening, we change the feeding plan and give him black chicken instead of regular chicken and some MCT oil.. and this is where it got bad. He threw up and then we couldn’t stop it even after going back to see Dr Tai the next day. She gave him a jab and oral meds but it didn’t help.

4 April Thu - Based on the recommendations of Joo Mee’s pet nutritionist, we feed Toby coconut juice, watermelon juice and carrot juice. He can’t hold anything down at all. He wants water so badly but he cannot keep it down either.

We withheld liquids and gave him his heart meds spaced apart by 30min blocks. He keeps it down until we give him  coco water and honey. We are so worried but we try to wet his mouth and let him sleep it off. He eventually pukes the coco water and honey as well.

5 April Fri-  In the wee hours of the morning, Toby drinks some water and vomits again, I give him the oral anti-vomit meds and it still doesn’t work. WTF? So at 8+ we made the call and brought him into Jireh for an IV drip. He looks so much better after being hydrated and we are thankful that he’s stabilised a bit but now comes the tricky part of re-feeding… With cerenia and the IV drip in place, Toby was able to hold down his fluids - so far we have given toby his medication (vetmedin, lanoxin, furosimide, famatodine… for food he has had mussel powder, convalescence just a bit.., chicken and parsley, watermelon juice as it’s a diuretic). We space out the feedings and it takes up to an hour to finish it. He goes out to pee and his pee is evidently held in as the stream of pee looks string thin and forceful vs. his usual jetlike spout. Likely due to the IV, consumed fluids and diuretic medication.

We feed again just past 9, he’s given Vetmedin and left to rest for 30 mins. And then we followed up with super diliuted banana and chicken blends. Then he’s also given his antibiotics and steroids both which we skipped yesterday because he could not hold it in.

We really hope he keeps it in this tonight, seeing that he was given Cerenia at 9ish in the morning and now it’s a good 12 hours since then. His eyes are still gooey and Junie cleans it regularly and put both antibiotic eyedrops and the eye gel. He was given quite a fair bit of fluids so he may wee himself tonight but we don’t mind, he’s the best boy ever and we can always clean up after him no matter how tired we are.

June: His nose is also super dry and today I thought it was dried up food and I tried to peel off dried skin. Oof! That must’ve hurt him, I’m so stupid! Gonna rub more coco oil tomorrow to help him.

WHAT WOULD WE HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY

Stick to “safe” food and don’t risk complications. 

Understand that the entire system requires delicate balancing, so when 1 function is compromised, it usually causes other issues. when 1 drug is used, there are side effects and it can overall cause other issues. 

Recognize that certain bodily functions such as the liver, plays a critical role in overall health, as the liver is primarily responsible for metabolic processes, absorbing nutrients, and also detoxifying. a healthy liver helps with overall recovery. We were very late in recognizing this and probably should have paid more attention to this.