#i also remembered that i kept calling another girl in that story selena gomez . why

[rosencrantzsguildenstern]

i have a very obscure problem which is often when i make characters i connect them in my brain to preexisting fictional characters that they in fact have very little similarities with. and then i call them by that name mentally for the rest of time even if i've named them

[tyongxnct]

𝑝𝑒𝑟𝑓𝑒𝑐𝑡 - 𝐿𝑒𝑒 𝑇𝑎𝑒𝑦𝑜𝑛𝑔

pairing: Taeyong x reader 

special guest: Jaehyun, Jungwoo, mention of Mark, Johnny & Yuta

summary: your relationship with Taeyong was falling apart and you knew that you had to let him go, but you loved him so much, so you chose to be selfish. You tried to ignore the fact that he was cheating on you, that he spend nights with someone else next to him in bed and that his lips tasted like her lipstick whenever you kissed him. Taeyong is perfect and he deserved someone perfect, that’s why you decided to change yourself for him, to make him stay and love you again, but no matter what, in the end you weren’t her.

song: perfect - Selena Gomez

genre: cheating!au, idol!au, angst

warnings: cheating, mentions of sex, self-doubt, 2 mini smut scenes they’re really short

word count: 4,1k

A/N: Here it is, the first short story! I hope you enjoy reading this. I really recommend you to listen to perfect by Selena Gomez while reading!

© tyongxnct on all platforms

Different inflection when you say my name Kiss me, but your kiss don't taste the same Is it real or am I going out of my mind? Curious 'bout the company that you keep Cause I hear you talking 'bout her in your sleep And now you've got me talking 'bout her in mine

“Y/n,” Taeyong said your name as soon as you pressed the green button, “I’m out with friends tonight, you don’t have to wait for me.” You could hear a female voice in the background, but maybe it was just your imagination playing with you. You were curious, about who exactly Taeyong was with, so you closed your eyes and asked him. “Okay, w-who are you with?” you asked softly, scared of the answer.

“Oh, just with the boys, Jaehyun says hi.” You wished he’d say Johnny or Yuta, or just anyone else except for Jaehyun because you’re friends with Jaehyun’s girlfriend. When you talked to her earlier that day, she told you that she was going to the movies with Jaehyun, it was their date night.

“T-Tell him I also said hi.” Your voice was about to break, tears almost streaming down your face, but you held them in, you didn’t want him to hear you cry.

“Yeah - oh my god I was just about to say that-“ Taeyong was distracted and didn’t even hear what you just said. You heard the female voice talking before he hung up without saying goodbye.

You felt like you were losing your mind.

You weren’t sure If you misheard Jaehyun’s girlfriend, but when you checked your social media and saw her story with Jaehyun, hand in hand, you knew that Taeyong lied to you.

03:27am, You couldn’t sleep the whole night, you were still awake when Taeyong came home. “Why are you still awake?” he asked you as he took off his clothes to change to his pajamas. “Couldn’t sleep without you.” Which was true. He didn’t say anything, he hovered above you, pressed his lips for a second on yours and then he entered the bathroom to brush his teeth. Your hand was on your lips, the taste on his lips was different, the cherry taste on his lips left a bitter taste on your lips. His lips tasted unfamiliar.

Taeyong fell asleep, you were facing his back as you also tried to fall asleep. You wanted to know why his lips tasted like cherry, why he lied to you and why he didn’t love you anymore, because you could feel that you were drifting apart which scared you so much. Taeyong mumbled something while he was fast asleep, you could understand him better as he turned around to face you. “Miyeon.”

Miyeon?

Were you with Miyeon tonight? Who is Miyeon? How did you meet her? Do you love her?

Oh, and I bet she has it all Bet she's beautiful like you, like you And I bet she's got that touch Makes you fall in love like you, like you

Taeyong is the most beautiful human being you’ve ever seen, and you didn’t even know why he was dating you. His face was perfect, every inch of his face was pure beauty. His mouth was slightly open, he softly breathed in and out. Your eyes landed on his lips. Did she kiss you with her cherry lips? Is she as beautiful as you are? She has to be, Taeyong deserved the most beautiful girl on this planet, but here he was, stuck with you. Did he fall in love with her just like you fell in love with him? Is she also an Idol just like Taeyong? She must be. You never shared many interests with Taeyong, you always thought ‘opposites attract each other’, but what If he fell in love with an Idol who did the same thing for a living as him? Who was also talented, with a perfect face and body? They’d share the same passion, dancing and singing whereas you couldn’t even remember the simplest steps.

Taeyong was probably attracted to someone who shared the same interests and passion, who was beautiful inside and outside just like him.

I can taste her lipstick And see her laying across your chest I can feel the distance Every time you remember her fingertips Maybe I should be more like her Maybe I should be more like her I can taste her lipstick, it's like I'm kissing her, too And, she's perfect And, she's perfect

The first time you saw them together was when you decided to visit Taeyong at the studio. You wanted to surprise him or maybe, just maybe, you wanted to see the woman he fell in love with. The woman with the cherry lips.

And you did. You saw them, Taeyong was laying on the couch with her on top of him and her head was on his chest, she was listening to his heartbeat, like you did so many times. You could see Taeyong placing his hands on her jaw and pulling her closer to press his lips on hers. You were secretly watching your boyfriend of 4 years making out with another woman. It was so quiet, you could hear your heart breaking.

You rushed to a restroom, tears streaming down your face, you didn’t notice that you were holding your breath, the walls around you suffocated you and you just wanted to vanish.

When you calmed down, you called Taeyong to tell him that you were on your way.

“I’m busy in the studio-“ he lied.

“I know, I mean, that’s why I’m bringing you some food. I cooked your favorites.” You smiled trough the pain.

“Fine, but you can’t stay, I have to, uhm, finish that one track I was working on.” Taeyong looked to Miyeon who was listening to your conversation.

“Okay, I’ll be there in two minutes. Love you.” Is he going to say it back?

“Yeah, bye.” He didn’t say it back.

After wiping away your tears, you put on your fake smile and entered Taeyong’s studio. Taeyong was sitting on the chair and was working on his laptop and Miyeon was still in the room, sitting on the couch. She looked as beautiful as you thought she would. Long blonde hair, skinny and a perfect face.

“Hey.” you acted.

“Hi, Miyeon this is Y/n. Y/n this is Miyeon. We’re working together on the new track.” Is that how he met her? Is that how he fell for her?

“Hey Miyeon, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that Taeyong had company, I didn’t bring enough food.”

“No, it’s fine, I’m on a diet anyway.” She checked you out, you didn’t miss her eyes going up and down you body.

You felt bad, really bad. You were in a pair of jeans and one of Taeyong’s hoodies and here she was, in a short skirt, her long legs looked tempting for Taeyong, he always asked you to wear shorts at home, but you felt uncomfortable with your legs and sticked to your sweatpants.

You wanted to know If Taeyong would kiss you next to her, so you leaned forward and pressed you lips on his. The cherry taste was back, and he didn’t move his lips. So he liked the taste of cherries, that’s how Miyeon tasted. Your kiss ended up as a peck and every passing second got painfuller. “I’ll leave you two now, don’t overwork yourself- I’ll see you at home.” You smiled at them, Taeyong couldn’t even look up, he felt bad for you.

How does she touch you? Can I try it, too? I know you're twisted, but baby, I'm twisted, too I wanna know if she can make a man lose his mind

You looked at yourself in the mirror.

You were pathetic, you knew that you were, but still, you tried to be like her.

You dyed your hair blonde, not exactly the same blonde as hers, but it was still a huge difference to your hair before.

After straightening your hair, you put on some make-up and your new red lingerie you had bought.

You felt uncomfortable, the lingerie covered almost nothing, and you felt cheap.

Were you really going to try to impress Taeyong with sex?

Did he even think that you’re sexy?

He was probably just going to laugh at you.

When Taeyong came home, he didn’t see you anywhere but when he entered your shared bedroom and saw you laying almost naked on the bed, only candles lighting up the room, his mouth opened wide. “Y-You’re blonde.” he stuttered, and you could see that he tried to stop himself from laughing. “I felt like I needed a change. Do you like it?”

“It looks so bad.” He busted out in laughter. “Did you dye it yourself? Oh god, it looks terrible.” Taeyong kept on laughing. You were half naked in front of him and he choose to mock you? You didn’t dye your hair yourself, you paid so much money to get it like this. “I can change it If you don’t like it.” You walked up to him. He didn’t move. “Yeah, change it back. Go to a professional.” He said as he watched you. You helped him taking off his jacket, his eyes following every move you make. Your hands were slowly unbuttoning his shirt. “I will, but first, let me make you feel good.” You whispered as you pressed little kisses on his chest.

You softly pushed Taeyong down on the bed. Your hands were unbuckling his belt, you could feel him getting nervous, it’s been so long since you had sex.

While you were pushing his pants down, your mind travelled to her. Did she touch you like this? Did you touch her? Have you had sex already? Was she good? Better?

You pushed down his boxer briefs and wrapped your fingers around his cock. You started pumping his shaft and you softly licked his tip. Taeyong was stiff under your touch, even when you put his cock in your mouth. You started sucking and pumping his cock and a moan left his mouth.

“F-Fuck. N-No stop-“ he pushed you away. You landed on your butt and breathed heavily. “Did I do something wrong? I’m sorry it’s been so long that I-“

“No, no. I just- it’s… The boys are waiting, and we can’t- can’t have sex right now I’m gonna be late.” He pulled his boxers and pants up and nervously buttoned his shirt back up and he left without saying anything else.

He doesn’t love you anymore. He is disgusted, he doesn’t even want you to touch him. You felt so worthless and disgusting.

You entered your bathroom to shower, you wanted to rub everything off of you. When you looked at yourself again at the mirror, you felt uglier than before. You took your phone which was on the counter and threw it. The mirror shattered to pieces and you felt like you just watched an illustration of your life.

Just like the mirror, your heart broke into many pieces.

With the smell of her perfume I could love her, too, like you, like you And I can almost hear her laugh Curving on her back for you, for you

While you were crying yourself to sleep, Taeyong hurried to Miyeon’s apartment. “Taeyong? I thought you-“ he pulled her in for a kiss before she could finish her sentence. He pressed her against the door and his hands were all over her body. She responded happily, pulling him closer and moaning into his mouth. His tongue was exploring her mouth for the nth time, and he fucked her so hard that night, until you left his mind. Until he stopped thinking that it was you, until he moaned Miyeon’s name and came inside of her. The red marks on his neck and scratches on his back to remind him that he just wanted to fuck Miyeon and not you.

“Well, that was amazing.” Miyeon said exhausted as she poured herself more wine. “We never fucked like that, we should do it more often.” She laughed. “Poor Y/n. If she only knew how good you fuck me.” Miyeon giggled and pressed kisses on Taeyong’s bare shoulder.

He ignored her sneaky remark and closed his eyes. He saw your face whenever he closed his eyes, he wanted to get you off of his mind, and then he fucked Miyeon again, until his mind was full of Miyeon naked under him.

Taeyong came back home late that night again, he breathed in and out, his heart was beating against his chest, it almost hurt.

He thought that you were sleeping already, but you were wide awake, thinking about the events of the night and feeling ashamed.

You could feel the bed sink down next to you. This time, Taeyong was facing your back. He smelled different, Taeyong smelled like all the times he smelled after he had spent time with her.

I can taste her lipstick And see her laying across your chest I can feel the distance Every time you remember her fingertips Maybe I should be more like her Maybe I should be more like her I can taste her lipstick, it's like I'm kissing her, too And, she's perfect

You didn’t change your hair back. After hanging out with Jaehyun and his girlfriend, you felt a little more confident with it. Even Jaehyun had told you that you looked really pretty.

You didn’t even need to tell Taeyong that you were hanging out with Jaehyun and his girlfriend, Taeyong was also not at home.

You needed to spend some time with friends, you were drowning in your insecurities and in self-doubt, that you had to be with someone. Spending time with your friends helped you stop thinking.

“Oh, wait Taeyong is calling-“ you told them. “Yes?” you said, “Hey, uhm, I’m out with Jaehyun tonight, you know, boy’s night and stuff.”

Jaehyun was sitting right in front of you. “Oh okay, tell Jaehyun I said hi.” Jaehyun and his girlfriend looked at you confused. “Yeah, I will.” And  you ended the call.

“But I’m sitting here with you?” Jaehyun said confused. “I know. He’s lying to me.” You looked at them with a sad smile. “Why would he lie to you?” she asked you. “He doesn’t want me to know about his affair.” You said casually. “W-What? Taeyong? Our Taeyong?” Jaehyun couldn’t believe what you just said. You nodded.

“Are you sure about that?” he asked.

You nodded again, scared that you’d break out in tears.

“Do you know who-“

“Miyeon, they’re working on a track together, I don’t know If that is true though.”

“But that’s impossible! I was with them a couple weeks ago, they were just talking about the track and they were so distant, and I-I just can’t believe that-“

“Jaehyun calm down, you’re not helping her.” His girlfriend said. “It’s okay.” You whispered. “I’m sorry that you had to find out about it.”

“What no! Why are you… Why are you still with him?” she asked you. “Because I love him. It’s okay, I understand that he needs to satisfy his needs… with someone else.” They looked at you with shocked expressions. That night, you talked to them about everything, you even told her about the night you wore the lingerie when Jaehyun excused himself to go to the bathroom. Her eyes widened in shock as she heard about the way Taeyong treated you. “I hate him so much right now.” She said. “No don’t hate him. Even I don’t hate him, so you guys should forget about what I told you and act like this never happened.”

They looked at you with sad eyes, “Are you still coming to the company dinner with him?” Jaehyun asked. “If he wants me there.” You shrugged your shoulders.

I can see her body rushing into you Crashing on your skin, burning within Burning so deep, deep on your skin, skin Next to me She's crashing on your skin, settling in Burning so deep, deep on your skin, skin While you sleeping

You looked breathtaking, but you didn’t know that. The dress you were wearing, hugged your body perfectly but you didn’t dare to look at the mirror, scared that you’d need to change again. Scared that you’d find another failure, no matter If it’s on your face or on your dress.

Taeyong looked perfect as always, his tuxedo was made for him and his hair was styled up, exposing his pretty forehead. “You look really handsome.” You told him as you entered his car. He muttered a thanks and focused on the street.

Taeyong’s colleagues and his group members didn’t know about Taeyong’s affair, so he had to take you with him since everyone thought that you were happily dating.

When you arrived, he didn’t even open the door for you. “Hurry up, it’s cold.” He said as he walked to the entrance with you trailing form behind.

It was a great atmosphere, everyone was laughing or sipping on their champagne. It felt like the first time Taeyong introduced you to his members, the first time he took you to such an event, but of course, your happy memories were destroyed by Miyeon who glanced at you and Taeyong.

You were chatting with Jungwoo, when you noticed Taeyong looking back at her with a small smirk.

“I’m going to the restroom.” He excused himself and you just nodded, knowing exactly where he was going. When he was gone, you saw Miyeon following him. You told Jungwoo that you had to talk to Jaehyun for whatever reason and went after them.

“I missed you.” You heard her voice. “I missed you too.” And then their bodies and lips crashed. They were so bad at hiding, anyone could see them making out If they just went to the restroom. “You’re so hot tonight, yongie.” She called him yongie. You called him yongie. “I need you inside me now.” She said loud enough for you to hear. “Patience, you need to keep your hands to yourself. She’s here.”

“I don’t care about her-“

Jaehyun accidently bumped into you. “Oh sorr-“

You hushed him, he looked to the direction you were looking at. He was about to move but you stopped him. His eyes were full of anger. “Please don’t.” you asked him.  “Let’s go back.” The image of Taeyong kissing her was burned in your mind and now in Jaehyun’s too.

Taeyong came back and took his place next to you. Jaehyun was angrily playing with his food in front of him, as someone who was also cheated on by his ex-girlfriend, he felt so much empathy for you and you were his friend after all, he cared for you. “Jaehyun, you good?” Taeyong asked him. “Mhm…” Jaehyun mumbled. “You sure? You look like you saw a ghost.” Taeyong joked. “Not a ghost, no. I’m fine.” He whispered the first part, but Taeyong still heard it. He just couldn’t figure out what Jaehyun was talking about.

After a couple hours of fake smiling and acting like you were in a happy relationship, Jaehyun’s girlfriend asked you to stay with her for the night, she was worried and didn’t want you to feel alone.

“Yongie, I’m having a sleepover with Jaehyun’s girlfriend tonight.” Taeyong’s eyes light up. “Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow?” you nodded.

You left the party with Jaehyun’s girlfriend and talked to her about the thing Jaehyun also witnessed.

I can taste her lipstick And see her laying across your chest I can feel the distance Every time you remember her fingertips Maybe I should be more like her Maybe I should be more like her I can taste her lipstick, it's like I'm kissing her, too And, she's perfect

You woke up and your heart missed Taeyong. Did he arrive home safely? Was he alone? Was she with him?

Questions were floating in your head and you just wanted to go home and take a long hot bath.

You unlocked the door and entered your apartment. The second you stepped in, you knew what was waiting for you in the bedroom.

You slowly opened the door and the first thing you saw, were clothes messily on the floor. Your eyes stopped at the black lace bra, it definitely didn’t belong to you.

Your eyes wandered to the bed, she was laying on your bedside, naked.

They were both naked under the sheets, still asleep after last night.

He fucked her in your bed.

There was a wine bottle on the floor with two wine glasses.

It was over, you held onto something which was over for a long time now. Your luggage was in your closet, you pulled it out and started packing.

Taeyong woke up to the sounds of your sniffing and packing. He rubbed his eyes and looked to his side, Miyeon was next to him but the sounds didn’t come from her. He sat up and looked through the room and his eyes finally landed on your small figure. “Y/n?” he stuttered. You ignored him and when he finally understood what was happening, he got up and put on his clothes. “I-it’s not what it looks like… I-I… what are you doing? Y/n? Please listen to me.” He begged you as he bend down to you. “Stop packing… don’t do that please, just listen to me.”

“I’m not even saying anything, Taeyong. I am listening. You can say whatever you want, it’s just that you don’t have anything to say because it is as clear as water.” You still didn’t look at him as you continued packing.

“I’m sorry, I am so sorry okay, it’s just a one-time thing, I was so drunk last night-“ he lied to you, nothing new. You scoffed, “And you still choose to lie. I’m not dumb, Taeyong. I know everything.” For the first time in weeks, you looked him in the eyes. “Y-you knew? W-Why didn’t you say anything?” his body trembled after your confession. “The actual question is: why didn’t you just break up with me?”

“I can’t break up with you- I need you! Please believe me.” He begged again.

“You don’t need me. Look at me Taeyong, I’m not angry. I understand. You deserve so much more than me. I tried to be like her, I really tried. But you don’t want me. You want her, and I understand. I’m sorry for holding you back-“

“No! Don’t- just, don’t say things like that! You’re so pretty and cute and…” he stuttered, it was his last chance to tell you that. “I need you please, please, don’t go. Don’t leave me.” He started crying. “Why are you crying? I’m not going to hold you back anymore. You finally got what you wanted.”

You left the apartment with all of your things that day. You didn’t even know where to go. The first thing you did was crying loudly in your car, the next thing you did was driving to Jaehyun and his girlfriend.

Two weeks later, you found a little apartment, far away from Taeyong. You moved in with the help of Jaehyun and his girlfriend.

Two months passed and you were hanging out with Jaehyun and his girlfriend again, even Jungwoo Mark and Johnny came to visit you. They were on your side and supported you fully. They never mentioned Taeyong, for which you were thankful.

But if you only knew how much Taeyong was suffering right now.

That day you left Taeyong, Miyeon listened to your conversation and knew that Taeyong would never love her like he loved you. He begged you to stay with him, even though he had promised Miyeon to leave you. Miyeon and Taeyong’s relationship ended the same day.

Every night, Taeyong looked at your pictures and cried himself to sleep. Your side on the bed was always cold, the space on the couch was always empty and even at work, he felt lonely.

One day, he and Jaehyun got into a fight. “You have no idea how much she suffered because of your stupid ass. You can’t act like you got cheated on!” Jaehyun yelled.

“I know that! I know that I hurt her- that I cheated on her… but I miss her, Jaehyun.” Taeyong cried out. “It’s not just about the cheating, Taeyong. You didn’t value her. She did so much for you but still, she wasn’t enough for you.”

“She’s more than enough- and I don’t deserve her,” he sobbed, “I’m a heartless jerk, and she’s perfect.“

SEQUEL: die for you

[gold-rush-into-things]

I Knew You, Tried to Change the Ending (and everything in between)

So what DOES QAnon believe? So glad you asked! They believe that Trump has been planning a “day of reckoning” known as the "Storm," when thousands of members of the cabal will be arrested  (they thought this was going to happen on Biden’s inauguration lmao). They also think most Hollywood actors, Democratic politicians, and high-ranking government officials are also members of the cabal. You could almost say… It’s all part of the fucking story. (Sidenote: Cabal is a very cool word, I think I would like to be in one someday maybe, one that does not involve cannibalism though). 

The "Storm" became QAnon-speak for an “imminent” event in which thousands of those alleged suspects will be arrested, imprisoned, and executed for being child-eating pedophiles. Perfectly logical, makes total sense. Again, Q’s followers also developed a name for when Q would come to spill, these “Q Drops.”

I put “imminent” in quotes for this reason, here are some of the Q predictions and dates: 

The "Storm" would take place on November 3, 2017. Last I checked Tom Cruise and Hillary Clinton were not publicly executed

That people targeted by the Trump would commit mass suicide on February 10, 2018. No prominent people committed suicide that day, but also like…. wut.

Multiple failed predictions that Mark Zuckerberg would leave Facebook and flee the US. Zuck is still CEO, unfortunately, as of writing this post.

Multiple failed predictions that Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey would be forced to resign. Jack, unfortunately, remains CEO of Twitter, and remains having the ugliest beard I’ve seen.

Ect, ect ect, you get the point.

Finally, like I mentioned earlier, that the "Storm" would take place on January 20, 2021, the day of Biden's inauguration. While I cried a lot that day, none of it was because there were public executions of my queens Kamala, Michelle, Jill, or Hillary. 

BUT, Q soooooooorta got Jeffery Epstien getting arrested for child trafficking right. Even if they were off by a couple of days. But the tiniest victory can give followers a lot of confidence. 

Which leads right into Spade. The first Spade riddle, “♠️ Aug 2018: Karlie will be at the reputation tour in Nashville” was right! I’ve heard TTB didn’t post it until after, which, kinda sketch, but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt (undeservedly). This was also very specific, was allowed to be proven true or false, and BAM people are hooked. Again, understandably! 

And, like Q, most Spade riddles just simply did not come true. Such as:

 “♠️ 10.12.2018: However, Karlie will be single and will have rekindled her friendship with Taylor to a suggestive degree.” 

I’m sorry, but it’s been two years, if it was going to happen, it probably would have by now.

There are then a few that Spade followers retrofit into being correct, like about the golden globes and the cloud imagery of Lover. 

But as Spade continued to stop by, it becomes very, very similar to the “Q Drops.” The clues become more and more vague, and people were / are twisting themselves more and more to make them have meaning. A few of personal favorites: 

♠️ 06.25.2019: Why worry, she blooms in June. (This is funny because obvi nothing happened in June, but also, as a gay man, I know all of icon Troye Sivan’s music and he has a song about gay sex called Bloom and that’s all I can ever think about when I read this lol)

♠️ 09.27.2019: The candle flickered, your eyes darted, my heart pounded. (So dramatic, I love it. And can mean anything you want!)

♠️ 07.24.2019: Without judgement or question, she bent to the ground and picked up the pieces. Blood ran from her hands as she cut herself so I could be whole. (This is just bonkers, but it’s also more CAMP than anything Karlie wore to the Met Gala)

My quips aside, all of these literally mean nothing. And so many of them, especially ones that people retrofit to claim were a hint, were things the general fandom already knew. Such as, “Darling, in the midst of this cruel summer I re-read your love letters…” People lost their mind after the tracklist came out, thinking that Cruel Summer had been revealed by Spade weeks earlier. But at that point the tracklist had already been leaked by Secret Sessioners, AND Taylor hinted at it in the YNTCD video and that weird Amazon commercial. 

But, much like Q followers, and the appeal of the possibility of being involved in something historic (the world’s biggest popstar is in a secret lesbian relationship!!), people are sucked in and it becomes harder to question things — like that Kaylor could possibly be over. 

Another similarity, and one that is a major red flag, is the consistent moving of the goalposts that TTB, Spade, and TCG all played a part in. 

You can see this in the aforementioned Spade riddles about them becoming “friends again” in 2018, “She blooms in June,” and their “Ides of March” post — nothing of note has happened in any preceding March. TCG and her posting about “The Gay Agenda” plan for them to come out which kept getting pushed back. And TTB posting every six months or so that the “contract is ending” regarding Karlie and Josh. So, much like “The Storm,” these big, earth shattering events keep getting predicted, but don’t actually happen. 

Whenever I read about Q followers and the depths that they believe that people in Hollywood and politics are involved in this elite cabal, the first thing I think about is Kaylors’ mantra of “it’s all part of the fucking story.”** Much like how Q followers use “Trust the plan” as comfort when things don’t work out as predicted. 

**For reference: Taylor went out with friends in 2016 (including Suki Waterhouse and Cara Delivinge) to a NYC restaurant and someone, assumed to be one of them, wrote “It’s all part of the fucking story” on the paper table cloth. 

This is repeated in the Kaylor fandom as a message that everything Taylor does publicly, is simply that, part of the story. I specifically remember TTB was sharing theories connecting Hayley Williams’ lead single’s music video in 2019 to Taylor, due to a sound at the end of it (which I unfortunately can’t link, since her blog is gone), recently I saw Spade-Riddles sharing Selena Gomez’s recent Insta post because it had oranges in it (implying it’s tied to the YNTCD girl), and these examples could go on and on. While I wish the world DID revolve around Taylor Swift, unfortunately it doesn’t and every person Taylor has ever come in contact with just isn’t droppeing clues about her being queer in THEIR art.

NEXT POST: Shade Never Made Anyone (even Josh Kushner) Gay

[funnymemes-and-kinkydreams]

My Coming Out Stories

I started realizing I liked girls when I was nine. This was also around the time my older sister had been going through a questioning period like a lot of people do and had said she liked girls and even dated a few. I remember we spent a lot of that summer rocking out to I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry and talking about Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato who were her celebrity crushes at the time. 

I was pretty sheltered at that age and my older sister was my first introduction to anything gay. But it made a lot of things make sense for me. I was also super obsessed with those 2 celebrities and it always felt... different but I couldn’t explain why. I was nine and didn’t know much about gay. Then there were the little crushes I would get on my female friends. I didn’t channel those well cause I didn’t actually know what was going on for a while so honestly, it ended with a lot of tense friendship endings cause I didn’t actually understand what I was feeling and well kids don’t exactly deal with new feelings very well. 

But anyways spending time with my sister and learning about what gay is and seeing her with her girlfriends and such. It started to make sense to me who I was. At least part of who I was. I would always admire the pretty strong women (especially the gothy villains) in the shows and movies I watched. I didn’t agree with a lot of the things my straight friends said or the way they saw boys, it just never made sense. 

I spent a couple years just in my head going yeah I like girls. My sister had moved past her questioning period after about a year and a half and realized no girls weren’t for her. I half expected maybe that would happen for me. Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to go and then I will be like all my friends again. A very silly thought. But no, it did not go away. 

Eventually, in middle school, I was finally ready to tell my parents. I was a teen now, about to enter high school, and starting to feel much bigger crushes. I wanted to stop hiding. It was hard honestly. My parents were okay but honestly not great with handling having a gay daughter the first time around. They were “supportive” but would also talk shit and say vaguely bleh not nice things when she wasn’t around. I think they were just... trying to understand. But I really. I don’t know. 

Anyways around this time, my cousin was living with us and she just had to beat me at everything, including coming out. And they handled that just as well as they did with my sister. So I retreated and kept it to myself. 

Then in high school, I ended up going to what is probably the gayest nerdiest fucking school. it was beautiful. The GSA (gender sexuality alliance) ran things not the ASB not really. There were no sports instead there were gamer groups and robotics teams. The biggest dance every year wasn’t a homecoming it was queer prom. Here I was able to be my self. Everyone could be themselves. People were coming out all the time just comfortably, easy. As trans, gay, queer, whatever, and it was just excepted. By students, by teachers, it was wonderful.

This made it hard sometimes to keep hidden from my family though. I was crushing hard on a girl for a while and eventually, I came out just for the slight chance maybe that I could date this girl. That was a silly reason and honestly, I knew that wasn’t going to happen, but I needed to give my self extra motivation to come out or that was never going to happen either. 

I told my older sister first because of course. She was supportive, and I cried cause man was it a relief to just say to someone. Then the plan was to tell my mom and dad, but I panicked. 

So instead, I did a silly thing. I tried to just. Push it down. Make it go away. There was a nice boy and he looked like the kind of boy the hetero girls seem to go for. He liked debate which was a nice thing to have in common. So I tried to make myself ignore my feelings for the girl I liked, ignore the need to admire the very attractive exchange student in our class, and just try to enjoy this boy. To really encourage my self and attempt to be closer to my mother I even talked to her about this boy. Besides, it couldn’t be that bad right? Well here’s the funny thing that happened with that. 

We had a debate in class. It was on gay marriage. I, of course, was on the side that supported it, as was the boy. The other side got to go first. I was the closer for my team so I was going very last. The other team kept going on and on about all the things “wrong” with gay marriage. It was hard to hear but what was worse was it felt like my team was barely defending our side. They were doing the bare minimum. Sure this was just for some class credit, but this was an important issue, why weren’t they trying harder? By this time I felt all this rage and anger inside of me. I started crying silently, and don’t even realize I’m crying at first. I was lost in this world hearing all their negative words, thinking of my own sexuality, thinking of every counter-argument, thinking about how unless I give a heck of a closing argument my team was certainly going to lose. Suddenly the boy's hand tapped my shoulder. I looked at him kinda startled back into reality. He asked if I was okay. I just nodded slowly. He put his hand at the top of my back and asked if that was okay and I said yes, appreciating that he asked, and he rubbed it while I sat and listened and cried. Holy shit I was crying. Now I knew I was crying. Nobody really seemed to notice. Which was good. Until it was my turn. Everyone looked at me and I swear it was like time stopped. Now everyone knew I was crying, now everyone knew this was personal, now everyone probably knew I was gay. All I could think was if I don’t counter well and remove my personal emotions and just layout solid arguments and facts now, we were going to fail. I refused to fail. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and replayed every word the opposing team said and who on the team said it, and I had a counter for everything, I replayed what my team attempted to say and get at, and I sharpened it, improved it. By the end everyone was speechless. Then both sides were clapping. We won. I was able to breathe again. The boy looked over at me and was like... “So... you’re gay?” That’s cool! Then he smiled and said he’d see me tomorrow. Fuck. I was super fucking gay.  So then I told my para. (I’m a little person and in a wheelchair. So at school, I needed what is called a para, basically a helper. She carried stuff and reached things for me and was there in case I injured my self.) She became like a second mom to me. She is actually related to Ryan Lewis. She told me about this new song Same Love by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. She said she supported me and encouraged me to talk to my parents. Eventually, she sent M&RL a video of me singing and they gave me tickets and backstage passes to go see them in concert when they came to town but that’s another story. 

And that was it, no more stalling, time to tell the parents. I texted the girl I was in to. Told her it’s finally happening. I’m doing it. I’m coming out. She too was supportive and waiting for me to text after I did the do. 

So I called my parents into my room, said we need to talk. Already I see the panic on their faces wondering what the fuck I need to have a serious talk about. Fair. I start crying before I even start speaking. Then finally I say. “I like girls.” 

My mom says “And boys?” and I said “No, just girls.” and my dad says “Dude great you’re gay. Why are you getting all serious? You could’ve sent this in a text. Not a big deal. Congratulations.” and walked off. He did not understand the struggle of trying to come out and the worry of being accepted or not but at least he didn’t care I was gay. My mom was a bit more confused (probably cause I had spent like a month talking about a boy trying to be not gay) I tried to explain that to her. Explain that even he was like bruh you gay. She was a bit confused (again fair) but said alright. 

Things were... weird. Dad thought this was an opening to make all the gay jokes which it wasn’t and it wasn’t okay. He recently, 7 years later, stopped so that’s nice. They, for a similarly long while, didn’t want me to tell my younger sister or the family but eventually, that changed as well. Though I still haven’t told much of the fam. My parents still are not the greatest with the slowly growing amount of LGBT+ representation on TV but they’re slowly, through a lot of me putting my foot down and talking about why it’s important, getting better. They support and have supported my relationships. 

I have a mixed group of friends across the LGBT+ spectrum and also straight cis allies. I am more myself and can openly love women because women are amazing and I know that the people in my life are okay with that. I am happier even with the bumps in the road, the occasional homophobia I witness or experience or hear, I am happier since I came out. Because I get to be me. Unapologetically me. I am proud to love women. I am proud of my community. 

And that’s it. That’s my first coming out story

[whenyouthinktaylorthinkofus]

Hiiii, we are Luisa and Andy. We live in California, we have been friends since 2007 and this is the story about how we became friends because of @taylorswift.

We’ve lived in the same city for our whole lives, and we met in another city and another state back when we were 12 and 13 and we went to summer camp, at the beginning we weren’t friends, we didn’t talked that much and Luisa thought that I hated her hahaha. The story of us began one night during dinner; our counselors let us play music to make dinner more fun so when it was Luisa’s time to choose she picked none other than TIM MCGRAW. I got so excited cause none of my friends either back home or in camp liked Taylor so I only listened to it at home and I made my sisters listen to her until she grew on them and became fans hahaha, after that we instantly became friends and talked Taylor nonstop! Once we came back home we kept messaging each other through MSN chat, don’t know if you remember it? Luisa was going into 7th grade and I was going to 8th grade and we were going to be attending the same school and we were so excited! Luisa pretended to be Taylor Swift and Andy pretended to be Selena Gomez (EVEN BEFORE they were besties, I had an obsession with Selena and I gotta be honest that I still have hahaha). Back then not many of our friends were using Facebook, it was around 2008 probably, so we used our accounts to upload pictures of Taylor and Abigail and Selena and tag ourselves, and Luisa was the master at photoshopping her face to Taylor’s body hahahaha (we still have those pictures but are private thank god)

We followed Taylor via MySpace, oh how obsessed where we with MySpace, we could spend the whole afternoon designing it and putting a theme and looking for pictures on Photobucket, wow now I feel really old, selecting Teardrops On My Guitar as my song to be played in my profile (and being sneaky and hiding it so people could never pause it hahaha). We were there during the 27 second call drama, oh boy, our 14 year old selves lived for that drama (sorry Taylor, sorry Joe) and it was intense … we cried with Taylor and at the same time we were also obsessed with The Jonas Brothers (Luisa loved Joe and I couldn’t resist Nick’s curls hahahaha) so you could’ve imagine how torn up we were. Forever and Always broke our hearts and even at 14 years understood each lyric perfectly and made perfect sense for us.  

So Fearless came out during Andy’s freshman year and Luisa was in 8th grade, we were obsessed and I remember begging my parents to buy me the CD and one day after babysitting my brother my dad took me to Best Buy and told me I had earned it and I think he regretted that idea because the whole way home and every time we were in the car I was playing this CD. We turned 15 on 2009 and OF COURSE we played and sang to each other Fifteen, we were so corny hahaha but at the moment it was our anthem, we couldn’t believe we were 15! Just like Taylor’s song, for us it was like a sign.

I still have it fresh on my memory when she announced the Fearless Tour and oh god, we were soooo excited! We were going to buy tickets and see Taylor for the first time ever! We organized it and two other friends were also coming. The tickets sold out in like 1 minute and we didn’t have the chance to buy them … that’s our sad story haha we missed Taylor that year. There was a time in our lives when we went to high school, Luisa being 1 grade below Andy they started talking less to each other but still were present in each other lives. But we met more people who liked Taylor and we kind of drifted apart for a bit, but it’s all good now hahaha don’t worry!

Then came the Speak Now era and … as you may know we were STILL CRAZY ABOUT TAYLOR. Andy had the opportunity to go to the concert because a friend of hers got tickets, Luisa had tickets to but she had to sell them a week before because her parents couldn’t take her. (We talked about this the other day like WTF why didn’t you asked for a ride with us, but at that moment we didn’t think about it, and well … now that’s in the past). She cried so much because that would’ve been Luisas’ first time seeing her live, and now as I’m writing this I feel like such a bad friend hahaha, thank you Luisa. But then the Speak Now concert DVD came out and of course we bought it and we cried happy tears because that DVD just gives you chills and sad tears because she had missed the concert. Until this day we still watch the DVD, last time we tried to play it, it was almost mission impossible because we couldn’t find a DVD player in the house hahaha.

For the rest of the eras, we still followed Taylor really close. We bought merch, tickets, CDS, magazines, anything that had Taylor’s name or face you name it and we bought it (we’re sorry mom and dad for spending all that money hahaha, it was worth it!) Red and 1989 were EPIC, still are, many heartbreaks and many adventures made us relate so so much to Taylor’s songs. Andy was in her first year of university when Red came out, and oh wow … if I could tell you about all the stories and how I related to those songs. And Luisa was a senior in high school, and well … that first love, you feel like that pain is gonna be there forever, but thank you Taylor for making it bearable, and also making us feel like we can be in love again. During Red we had the chance to buy PIT tickets! I remember getting an email of Taylor Nation or Taylor Connect about fans getting the chance to buy those tickets and I begged my parents for the tickets, and oh wow … seeing Taylor from the PIT, life changing experience. She grabbed Andy’s hand during Love Story and I swear it was like super long! (I’ve seen the video and its like 2 seconds) but I’m sure we had a connection hahaha

During the 1989 era, it was like Taylor knew how to blow our minds over and over again each CD she recorded it was even better and exceeded our expectations! Blank Space wow! Even my non swiftie friends were OBSESSED with the song! I was super proud of that cause I felt like I was taking them to the fandom side. We went to her concert in San Diego and Luisa went with a friend of hers and Andy went ... alone hahaha. Andy was studying abroad that year so when I came back my friends had plans and well I ended up going alone BUT let me tell you it was an EXPERIENCE, I’ve never been to a concert alone and wow I did feel like it was more special. I remember the surprise song was Fearless and I cried but those happy tears because I remember not being able to see her during that tour and how special that song is, and I may or may not have shed a tear writing this paragraph. We ended up seeing each other during this concert and being together during Shawn Mendes and Vance Joy’s set.

Now let’s talk about Reputation! We went to opening night in Glendale; we drove 4 hours to be there! At the beginning when we bought the tickets I wasn’t aware what opening night meant until I got there and realized I was seeing all of this BEFORE anyone else, well besides the other 59,157 people who attended (yes, I searched on Wikipedia for the exact number). She BLEW our minds like … it was BEAUTIFUL, like nothing we’ve ever experienced before! Honestly most parts of the concert are blurry because of so much excitement. We drove back next day and it was over … after months of waiting it was over so quick. But things changed next week when we decided to buy tickets to night 2 in Pasadena and again sorry mom and dad but I still think IT WAS THE BEST DECISION EVER. We enjoyed this concert SO MUCH we didn’t even had our phones out for most of the concert, we decided we were gonna enjoy it and dance like crazy! And I think the people besides us thought we were on something cause the girl switched places with her dad so she wouldn’t be next to us hahahaha, but we didn’t care because we danced and sang like it was the last night ever! We honestly don’t understand how people can be so calm and serious at concerts!        

Months passed after our concerts and that’s when we decided to start our own Taylor inspired Instagram and Tumblr, we’ve followed so many and we thought it would be cool to have our own. We have met so many lovely Swifties, everyone with a different and unique story about how Taylor changed their lives and how they have met people through her (just like us!). Taylor brought to our lives a really special friendship that after 11 years we are still going strong! Right now we’re 24 and we really hope one day we can thank Taylor personally what she has done for us.

Thank you so much if you stayed and read all of this, I’m sorry we just got a bit inspired hahaha. It would be so nice and we will appreciate it if you could tag @taylorswift or @taylornation so they can see how much she has impacted our lives.

[paladinsuho-moved]

it ain’t me [min yoongi]

SUMMARY: you get tired of him crawling back to his gang, ages after he promised he would leave for your sake. but a not so small misunderstanding almost ruins everything. 

somewhere along the lines, we stopped seeing eye to eye. you were staying out all night, and i’d had enough.

no, i don't wanna know where you've been or where you're going, but i know i won't be home and you'll be on your own.

who's gonna walk you through the dark side of the morning? who's gonna rock you when the sun won't let you sleep?

who's waking up, to drive you home, when you're drunk and all alone? who's gonna walk you through the dark side of the morning?

it ain’t me.

-- it ain’t me // kygo & selena gomez

SHIP: min yoongi (suga) x reader

GENRE: angst with a happy ending

WARNINGS: mentions of violence, language, medical procedures, mentions of alcohol, a slightly unhealthy relationship

word count: 6.8k

a/n: yo this has been sitting in my drafts since last july, and i’m home sick today so i thought why not FINALLY finish this??? i have the BIGGEST kink for blond yoongi, idk. i’m not so sure about the ending, i might go back and re-write this. also, please understand that i don’t condone toxic relationships similar to the dynamic that yoongi and the reader have in this story. if you’re in a relationship where you don’t feel safe, be it because of your partner’s behavior or the circumstances under which your relationship operates, PLEASE get help and try to leave (and jesus christ i KNOW this sounds really hypocritical because of the ending, pls don’t come for me). anyway, i hope you enjoy!! as for the trailer, try to imagine it kind of like the train car from the agust d mv. also pls help bc this gif is,,, killing me

masterlist

BANG.

BANG.

BANG.

The noise against the door woke you up, and despite your limbs still feeling numb with sleep, they almost instantly seized up in fear of the unknown.

Two more bangs against the door, and you reached towards the other side of the bed and, barely even registering it was empty, you grabbed the baseball bat that was hidden between the bed and the nightstand.

Shakily standing up, you let your feet pad quietly across the trailer, turning on the light in the small space. You stepped towards the door, one hand reaching out for the doorknob, the other, gripping the bat, knuckles white and hands clammy with fear.

BANG.

This time, the noise caused you to jump back in fear, and you shut your eyes, trying to calm yourself down. What if it was a thief? A murderer? Why would anyone come banging on your trailer door at this time of night?  

You bit your lip, remembering there was no peephole to look through in the trailer. Here you were, holding a baseball bat while dressed in nothing but a white t-shirt and some underwear, so close to passing out in fear, but you had no way of knowing who or what was outside.

Trying to calm your shaking, you crept towards the counter, where the key sat. Grabbing the key quickly, before tiptoeing back to the door and shakily inserting it into the lock, another bang caused you to whimper softly in fear. You gripped the bat tighter, pursing your lips in another attempt to calm the hurricane of emotions stirring in your chest.

The door was swiftly unlocked, and before you could convince yourself otherwise, you bit the bullet and opened it, ready to swing the bat.

“Baby!” a familiar voice slurred out loudly, and your stiff body instantly began to relax, not registering the off tone of your boyfriend’s voice. Your pounding heart immediately began to slow down. You closed your eyes in relief, lowering the bat, and giving a soft exasperated sigh accompanied with a relieved smile.

So that was why Holly wasn’t barking, your mind realized, thinking back to the small dog who always slept outside of the trailer when it wasn’t cold.

“Goddammit, Min Yoongi, you almost gave me a heart atta—”

You voice trails off into the unknown as your eyes opened again, and you finally saw his face. Even though there was barely any light, the damage was there, and it hurt to even look at it. You felt your eyes widen as you assessed the damage in the dark, dim light of the trailer doorway.

The worst thing was that he was smiling like that. Like he was off his rocker insane. Yoongi only smiled like that in two different situations: either, he was having the time of his life, or he was completely smashed, and sometimes, sometimes even both.

One eye was swollen shut by what you could only assume was a series of punches, and with the other, you could see a black eye beginning to appear. His nosebleed had dried but it was still visible. there was a cut along his left cheek and his bottom lip was split straight down the middle.

Less than a second later he was pulling himself into the trailer, and you backed away to give him the necessary space as he shut the door, stumbling into your small, shared home.

“Hey, baby girl,” he murmured again, and now that he was closer, you could smell the stench of soju and cigarettes that seemed to radiate off of him.

You didn't need to know anything else. He'd been out with “the guys” again. Walking towards the counter and setting the bat down there, you sighed, remembering how he'd walked out the door about an hour before you went to bed, and had claimed he was “going for a walk.” You didn’t need to ask why, you already knew it was a lie.

The fact that you knew and didn’t say anything was like the feeling you get after being sucker punched -- a brief moment of surprise and disbelief, did that really just happen? Before it starts to sink in. You knew, and you didn’t stop him, and now, here you were, your boyfriend’s face split like a porcelain doll -- right down to the pale skin and pretty eyes.

“Do you have any idea what time it is?” Your voice was quiet yet harsh as you asked him once you’d walked back in front of him, not wanting to deal with whatever excuses he had now, even though you needed to know why. He'd taken off his jacket, and you watched as you threw it on the couch. You couldn’t help but notice that he was swaying under the influence of the alcohol in his system.

You'd been dating Yoongi for four years, and living with him for three. You'd had only vague knowledge about what he did for a living before moving in, but had realized just how bad it was once you finally did.

First of all, he lived in a cramped trailer that you assumed was fine for just himself and the dog, but became too small with the two of you sharing the space.

During the honeymoon phase of when you'd first moved in, you'd thought it was endearing, the idea of the small space being shared between the man you loved and yourself. You would move the small dinner table to the side and fold the chairs, and stay up late slow dancing to soft rock music or quiet hip hop beats, just basking in each other’s presence.

Other nights were spent in bed, exploring each other’s bodies and mapping out your favorite places with your mouths, until one of the two writhed underneath the other and you called his name, grateful that a trailer meant no neighbors who could complain about the noise.

And then that phase ended some six months after you moved in, and suddenly the lack of space was suffocating, and you'd never realized how claustrophobic the trailer made you feel because you had been distracting yourself with the man who owned it, and ignoring both the small living space and his flaws.

Second of all, how almost every saturday night, he would go out with his supposed friends, and you would stay awake on the couch, waiting for him or falling asleep there, and waking up next to him in bed, only to find him asleep with a black eye or a broken lip, bruised knuckles and a hangover always present.

It was when you gave up on waiting up for him, and he stopped carrying you to bed when you did fall asleep on the couch, that the worst days of your relationship began, almost two years ago. All you would ever do was fight. But when he came home to you one night looking through your laptop for a new place to live, it all came to a standstill, and he seemed to realize how bad things were. It was as if he hadn't registered the screaming that upset the dog, the slamming doors or the throwing things when one of you exploded, having had enough. Never at each other, though. Never at each other.

Recently, in an attempt to make things better for the both of you, he was trying to get away from all of it. But to him, you assumed, it was like a drug, and he was hooked. But the idea of a drug always implied the possibility of an overdose, and that was what scared you the most.

Before he could answer, he was stumbling, and you had to grip him with all the strength your tired body could muster at the ungodly hour of four AM.

“I didn't realize how late it was, jagi,” He slurred, leaning on you. As you took a deep breath, trying to let go of some of your anger and to ignore the the smell of alcohol on his breath, you began to move him towards the sorry excuse for a dining table you owned, and managed to get him to sit down.

“Take off the shirt, Yoongi,” You muttered as you opened and closed the cabinets in a hasty search for the first aid kit you kept for occasions like this, even though he'd never come back this bad before.

You heard his suggestive chuckle from behind you back at the dining, and remembered just how horny he could get when he was drunk, and no matter how much you refused to do anything while one of you was sober and the other one wasn't, he would always ask for more kisses than necessary.

“I need to see if you're hurt anywhere else, Yoongi,” You remarked sharply as you pulled out the case and walked back towards him, setting it on the table just in time to watch his suggestive gummy grin fade. He didn’t answer.

Good thing too, you thought to yourself, if he said anything I’d probably have punched him as hard as whoever did this to him.

As you pulled off his shirt, and his pale chest was exposed, you felt your chest flood with relief as you found no cuts bad enough to need more than a few stitches.

“What happened to you, anyway?” You asked tiredly, but with some concern laced in your tone. Total ass or not, he was still your boyfriend.

“He was asking for it, saying I wasn't shit, stuff like that. But if you think I look bad, you should see the other guy,” he answered, and you grimaced, remembering the last time you’d seen your boyfriend in a fight with someone else.

It’d been a few months ago, when you’d decided to go dancing because you hadn't gone anywhere together in such a long time, and you decided that both of them needed to get out of the trailer. He'd gone to the bathroom, leaving you for no less than five minutes, and some guy decided it would be a great idea to ask if you wanted to find somewhere more private, and in what you deemed the most cliché experience with a man who couldn't take no for an answer, he decided to go off on you, calling you a slut and a bitch and every other degrading term underneath the big blue sky. But it was when he tried to hit you that things got bad.

Because that was when Yoongi came back, and to be welcomed by such a sight was… well, less than comforting to him.

In the end, you had to pull him off of the other man, begging him to stop. Everyone was watching the scene unfold, staring as you tried to pull your boyfriend off of what was left of the man, who was half dead from Yoongi’s punches, all because your boyfriend had decided to ‘defend your honor’, all while the heavy bass was still making the club vibrate.

After that, the both of you had been thrown out of the club into the cold, the bartender who’d been in charge at the time telling you both to scram.

Neither of you said anything on the way home, the car quiet except for the soft rumble of the motor as you drove, seeing as you were the designated driver. He was sitting shotgun, looking at his then bruised hands, deadly quiet. His display of violence had frightened you enough for him to notice, and so he decided to give you the space you needed.

You could still remember the look of panic in his eyes when you’d gotten home, when he'd tried to put his hand on your cheek but you flinched away. You’d never seen him look so scared, scared that he'd lose you.

That was the thing with your beloved Min Yoongi — he didn't notice how bad he messed up until a small detail put everything into perspective for him.

“Jagiya,” he'd rasped out in the darkness of the bedroom later on, “You know I would never hurt you. Ever.”

You nodded, then realized he probably wouldn't see it. “Yeah,” You whispered, before rolling over so your back faced him, “I know… goodnight, Yoongi.”

He murmured your name, calling for you quietly.

“Yes, Yoongi?”

“I love you.”

“...I-I love you too, Yoongi.”

You forced herself to focus on the task at hand, and pulled out the disinfectant spray from the kit, along with a small pair of surgical scissors, cotton balls, bandages, a needle and thread.

In two quick strides, you were in front of the refrigerator, and you were pulling out the ice cubes you'd been saving for when the air conditioner stopped working as it always did during the hottest days of the summer.

Grabbing a small dish rag, you pulled two ice cubes out of the casing and wrapped the rag around them, before striding back over to Yoongi, pushing a few platinum blond strands out of his face before pressing it to his swollen eye.

“Hold that there, baby,” You said softly, grabbing one of his hands and placing it on the rag, hearing him hiss softly as the cold made contact with his bruised skin. You let go of his hand, and he held it up as you hoped he would.

Not stopping to look at his face, knowing he was watching you work, you decided to get to work. the disinfectant was sprayed on a cotton ball, and dabbed across the cuts on his face and chest.

Moving onto his knuckles, your hands seemed to fly across his skin as you fixed up his hands for what seemed like the millionth time since you first started dating, and as you finished wrapping the gauze around his right hand, you looked up at him.

“Is that too tight?” Your voice was still raspy, you realized, probably as you were still exhausted from your restless sleep. He shook his head in response, flexing his aching fingers to make sure.

“No,” That was all he answered, and you nodded. As you looked across the cut on his cheek, you asked yourself whether it needed stitches or not. You paused, trying to remember if you’d ever gotten to learn about stitches on the face, specifically, or if it was the same as any other stitch on the body.

This was the worst Yoongi had ever been, and if you didn't know how to treat him with your limited knowledge of first aid, then…

“Yoongi, I don't know about this cut, maybe we should get it checked out—”

“No.”

You hesitated in continuing as you heard the firmness in his voice. You knew that Yoongi hated hospitals, for both personal reasons and fear of rival gangs finding his personal information, and along with that, you. If there was something he didn't want, it was you getting dragged into his business affairs.

You swallowed down the lump in your throat, before speaking gently. “Yoongi, baby, I don't know if stitches on the face have a different procedure than—”

“Just do it like you normally would,” He seemed to growl, sounding annoyed, as if it were your fault that he was in this dilemma. This only made your anger grow.

“Fine,” you snapped under your breath, and you watched as he looked taken aback by your small outburst, “Put down the ice. I can't do this with your arm covering the way.”

He set it down on the table, and it took all of your strength to not slam your fists on the table out of frustration.

He promised he wouldn't go out with them anymore, that he'd try to leave it for you. For you, he’d said, for us, because I love you.

Blinking back tears of rage, your hands pulled the scissors, along with the needle and thread toward you.

“Does it feel less swollen?” You mumbled half-heartedly, not meeting his eyes as you began to prepare the thread and the needle.

“I guess,” he answered, his voice still slurring slightly, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Yoongi.” Your voice was cold and clipped, and you clenched your jaw in an attempt to calm yourself. “Just let me do what I have to do, okay?”

You brushed more hair out of his face, analyzing how many stitches he would need. You let your eyes rake across the pale skin that had been rudely interrupted by this ugly cut that you could only assume was from a knife. After a few seconds, you deemed the cut worthy of three stitches, threading the needle.

“Sit still,” You warned, and began to work.

As you let your hands do their meticulous job, moving as swiftly and calculated as they could this early, your mind wandered to the moment Yoongi seemed to realize he couldn't do this forever.

It had been almost four months ago, when the both of you had a pregnancy scare. You could remember the shame and fear blooming like a flower before immediately beginning to burn like a brazier out of control when you mumbled those three words to him.

Yoongi, I’m late.

During that next week, after several arguments that ended in you crying and him storming out, you decided to finally buy a pregnancy test and see the truth. At least if you were pregnant, you wouldn't have to live with the constant uneasiness of not knowing.

And to your relief, when you entered the bathroom to do it the test, you almost cried tears of relief when you found that you'd started that very day.

When Yoongi came home that night and you told him the news, after the initial relief that was celebrated between the two of you, after him picking you up and kissing you and holding you for what felt like an eternity, after the celebratory ordering of pizza, you both sat down and had a serious conversation until the sun came up the very next day.

As you cut the thread on the first stitch, you heard him grunt softly in discomfort as the tugging on his skin stop briefly as you began to prepare more thread.

You’d spoken about several things that night: Yoongi admitted that once he thought there would be a small child between the two of you, he'd realized how ready he was to live the rest of his life with you. That whenever he thought of having a baby grow up in this small trailer that the two of you were basically spilling out of, with a father involved in gang stuff, his skin would crawl and he'd begin to feel nauseous.

You agreed that if you did settle down, and eventually ended up having kids, it definitely wouldn't be under these circumstances. You wanted any possible children in the eventual picture to have better lives than both Yoongi and yourself were living in that moment.

And yes, you both knew you could never be the perfect nuclear family with the white picket fence, but it was better than being the washed up family where the father was involved with gangs and the mother who worked two jobs as a waitress.

No child of yours would ever go through that. Not now, not ever.

And so the both of you decided that you’d both try to move out of the trailer by the end of the year. The past months had been filled with searching for apartments within your budget and him trying to get himself a steady job, maybe even two. As of recently he’d been doing some mechanic work, and everything finally seemed like it would work out. You should’ve known it was too good to be true.

The second stitch was tied, and you grimaced as you rubbed at your eyes, which were beginning to strain from your concentration and the nagging desire to cry.

Here he sat now, so drunk he could barely stand on his own, as you patched him up like he was some quilt that you could simply stitch back together and you wouldn’t have to give a second thought to it once you finished.

This was your boyfriend, your Yoongi. He was a person, your person -- just as much as you were his, and despite his many flaws, you’d be willing to do anything for him, like an even more twisted version of the tale of Eros and Psyche, a greek myth you’d read long ago; Psyche, in hopes that she could be reunited with her one true love, had spent sleepless nights and gone through unspeakable dangers completing impossible tasks that could’ve killed her, all in the hopes that she’d get to be with her love again.

Deep down inside, you knew you were the same, no matter how angry you were with him right now, and maybe that was what scared you even a little more than the thought of Yoongi getting himself killed in some confrontation like in the movies, as if he were some kind of Al Capone, or Tony Montana.

The thought of losing him was terrifying. So much so, that whenever he was out you would lie in bed and ask yourself when it would happen. Because you knew that if he kept on doing this it was a matter of when, and not if.

You didn't want to be there when it did happen, eventually.

“Jagiya… Y/N.”

His voice snapped you back to reality, and you realized you'd finished the third and final stitch, but had been sitting there without cutting it as you sunk deeper into your thoughts.

“Are you… okay?” He asked once more, his voice quiet but his words slurred. And you nodded, face blank, because you didn't trust your voice enough to not sound like you were about to cry, out of anger, frustration, sadness.

Letting out a shaky breath, and cut the last stitch. You noticed him flinch slightly as his skin was released from the tug you had on it, and you turned his face to get a better look at your handiwork.

“It should be fine, assuming I did it right.” You sounded grim. “But, this could be a bit harder to keep from opening up… try not to move your face too much in the next week.”

“Does that mean no making out?” He asked quietly, tone still slurred and cocky, in an attempt to lighten the mood.

“Not the time, Yoongi.” Your tone was cold and you didn't look at him as you answered, focusing on putting away the tools you'd used.

“You're mad at me — don't be like that, baby girl…” He said softly, trying to put his hand on your cheek, and as you felt the bandages glide across your skin, you snapped.

In the height of your anger, you slapped his hand away, and the slightly hopeful look in his eyes seemed to fade.

“Don't touch me, Yoongi,” You snarled, not realizing how you'd raised your voice until you heard the silence that followed your outburst.

You lowered your head in slight embarrassment, shaking your head to avoid meeting his gaze. “You nearly gave me a heart attack, twice,” You told him, still not looking up, “The first time when you woke me up and the second time when I saw your face.”

You rubbed at the back of your neck, trying to undo how stiff it felt, before giving a tired sigh.

“One of these days, you're gonna come home, looking ten times worse than you do right now, and I… Yoongi, I-I’m not gonna be able to fix you up like I normally can. W-what's gonna happen if you break a rib, huh? Get stabbed?” You closed your eyes as you imagined the idea, before your trembling voice dropped to a whisper so quiet he had to strain his ears to listen.

“What's going to happen the day you get shot, Yoongi? What am I gonna do then?”

You stood, exhaling shakily as you come to press your palms against the small kitchen counter, facing away from him, your face burning in shame at your anger and how you sounded more like a worried housewife than you wanted to.

Because you didn't want him to feel like you were worried, even though you were. You wanted your words to sting more than a slap across the cheek could ever sting. You wanted them to cut deeper than the slash across his cheek. you wanted to bleed out your anger and have him choke on it, even if just for a little bit. You wanted him to know you were pissed, and that you had every right to be.

You wanted to exude rage, but here you stood, looking sadder than any Margaret Keane painting ever painted.

“I’m sorry,” You muttered, more to yourself than to him. “I’m angry and you're drunk. I can't… I can't do this to you right now.”

“Talk to me, baby,” He answered a few moments later, as he managed to stand, leaning on the dining table to get a better look at you, “Tell me what you feel, e-even if you think I won't like it.”

“I’ll yell at you when you're sober, Yoongi,” you insisted, scoffing at how cynical you sounded. Pursing your lips, you grabbed a glass from one of the cupboards and filling it with water from the pitcher inside of the refrigerator.

“Drink up,” You said as you placed it in front of him, “It'll help get the alcohol out of your system.”

He nodded, not saying anything else, before grabbing the glass and drinking it all in one go as you put back the pitcher.

“You want any more?” You asked, looking towards the door to the outside, considering your options, and you heard him utter a quick ‘no.’

“Well, let's go to bed, then… Do you think you can walk by yourself?”

He shrugged. “You're the one who doesn't want me to touch you,” He replied quietly, monotonously, tone sounding kind of cold; before letting his pair of wobbly legs and trying not to stumble towards the bedroom. You felt your chest pang with the slightest amount of regret at his response.

You watched him use the wall to hold himself up, before collapsing on the bed, kicking off his sneakers and not bothering to change.

You rubbed at your temples, closing your eyes and scrunching your eyebrows together in frustration. After a few moments, not wanting to waste anymore time, you hastily put away the first aid kit and set the empty glass in the sink.

You trudged towards the bedroom, turning off the main light, the lamp next to your side of the bed remaining the only source of light.

You sat down, not looking at him. Once again, you swallowed the lump in your throat, before letting one tear fall down your cheek, quickly wiping it away before he could see.

As you turned to face him, you opened your mouth to speak.

“Yoongi, I love—”

But he was already fast asleep, lying on his stomach, platinum blond hair framing his bruised face. his pale skin seemed tanner in the soft warm glow of the lamp’s light.

If his face weren't so swollen and bruised, he would've looked like an angel.

You shook your head in anger, turning off the light, ready to go back to sleep as the trailer was engulfed in darkness. Lying down, facing away from him, you found that sleep wouldn't come so easy—the absence of light left you isolated, accompanied by nothing but your thoughts.

What’s going to happen the day you get shot?

The question echoed in your head over and over again, and you began to blink back tears at the thought.

Whatever the answer to your question was, you knew that you didn’t want to know, because you didn’t want to be there when it happened. Because if you were there, you could lose him, and if you were there, with him, you didn’t want to find out just how willing you were to protect him.

You’d given Yoongi an ultimatum: you or his supposed friends.

You lied there for hours, asking yourself whether what happened tonight was Yoongi giving you the answer you were hoping he wouldn’t give.

Because honestly? You didn’t want him to die. You didn’t want to die, either. After everything you'd been through with him, weren't you allowed to be selfish?

The threat of rival gangs wanting retaliation was a rare, but not unheard of, thing in your relationship, but it had never gone further than a few broken windows while the both of you were out, and the one time Yoongi had woken you up and shoved you under the bed and pulled out a gun while he waited in front of the door, but no one was there. The both of you were too shaken up to sleep afterwards.

But that was the worst it had ever been. It had never gone anywhere further or been any worse; as far as the both of you knew, no one dangerous knew you existed in his life. Physically, you were safe. But your relationship was on a thin sheet of ice that went by the name “Yoongi's work”.

You felt as though you were being suffocated by what was going on, as if the smell of alcohol radiating off of him was a plastic bag that was wrapped around your head, Yoongi holding you down and forcing you to take it.

Were you really capable of holding your metaphorical breath that long?

Did you even want to?

If you stayed and Yoongi got hurt you would never forgive yourself. But if you left… you would never know what happened to him.

Somehow, the thought of not knowing whether he was dead or alive seemed comforting. Because if he was dead, you’d simply assume he was still breathing because, well, you didn't know, and had no way of finding out.

You stayed like that until the sun rose, sleepless, caught in a riptide of overthinking and anxiety.

Finally, when the alarm clock blinked 9:00 in the morning, and Yoongi was still sleeping off his drunken stupor, you felt a feeling settle in your chest, and you knew what you had to do.

By ten, you'd already packed a suitcase and changed, ready to leave. But as you stared at the door, a small inkling of doubt bloomed in your chest, and hesitantly, with trembling hands, you set the suitcase down.

In a few quick, quiet strides you were back in the too small bedroom, and your jaw clenched automatically as the desire to cry returned, stronger than ever.

Sitting on the bed, for what felt like the last time, you looked at the still sleeping figure curled up on the mattress.

Suddenly every kiss, every embrace, every laugh, every argument, every morning waking up next to each other, every sleepless night that was spent either yelling at each other or making love to each other began to come back.

Do you really want to give this up? A little voice murmured in the back of your mind as your eyes drifted to the small patch of sunlight streaming through the small window, shining down onto Yoongi’s bare, pale back, are you sure you'll ever find something this good again?

You looked down at him, still sleeping in the exact same position he'd fallen asleep in. The same position you'd seen him in a million times, except this time you were almost sure it was the last time.

I can certainly find something less toxic.

As if on autopilot, as you'd done a million times before, your hand came up to stroke his platinum blond locks. You smiled sadly to yourself, before leaning forward to leave a soft kiss on his forehead, careful not to move too much in an attempt not to wake him up. You didn't want to have that kind of confrontation.

“I love you,” you whispered, “But I can't live like this.”

Standing quickly, you walked to the door again, pulling it open as you picked up the suitcase, and stepped out as your heart seemed to sink into your stomach.

You closed the door as quietly as you could, because if you were too loud, one of two things would happen: either Yoongi would wake up, and you'd find yourself in the situation that you didn't want to be in, or he wouldn't, and the idea of that loud clang of metal seemed too solemn, too final for your aching heart, and you wouldn’t be able to handle it, and stay anyway.

The trailer had always been parked in an open field that was in front of a relatively calm road — a path had been made where you and Yoongi drove and parked his car. The idea of hitchhiking came to mind, as you didn't want to technically steal his car, but before you could decide anything else, a voice from behind made you stop dead in your tracks.

“y/n!”

You didn't turn around, your blood running cold in your veins, your heart beginning to beat as fast as you wanted to run away.

Instead, you waited until he was standing in front of you, still bruised; barefoot and shirtless, looking more heartbroken than anything. You gathered he must've woken up after everything after all, come outside, seen you and the suitcase and put two and two together.

Yoongi was a lot of things, but he definitely wasn't stupid. He didn't need to ask where you were going or what you were doing.

He grabbed your shoulders gently, and you closed your eyes, not wanting to look at his battered face. Your eyebrows furrowed together, and you wished you could dig into your chest with your bare hands and yank out the frustration lying inside.

“Don't do this, jagi…” His voice was quiet, softer than the desperate shout he'd let out moments earlier.

“Look at me, baby girl, please,” He murmured, wiping away tears you hadn't realized had fallen.

“No,” you whimpered, “No, Yoongi, don't do this to me, n-not now…”

He pressed a kiss to your forehead, and you heard him let out a shaky breath, as he gripped your free hand in his and gently tried to pull you back. “C-come on, baby, l-let's go inside—”

“No.”

The contrast between your tone now and the tone you'd used moments before halted him in his tracks, and you felt his grip tighten slightly on hand. He looked down and realized that your hand wasn’t gripping his back.

“I don't…” You opened your eyes, but still a lingering stubbornness inside your chest couldn't get you to meet his eyes.

You sighed in frustration, setting down the suitcase to wipe away more tears that had fallen. “I don't… I can't live like this anymore! Yoongi, I-I can't do it, I don't wanna worry about whether you're gonna come back or not when you go out for a walk, or whatever it was you were doing last night, for fuck’s sake.”

One of his hands reached for your cheeks, and the stubbornness inside made your eyes screw shut once more.

“Jagiya…” He sighed, “...Y/n, please look at me. Listen to me, baby, I’m begging you. Give me five minutes, and…” You heard him groan softly as he tried to form a coherent sentence.

“C-come inside, talk with me for five minutes… I’ll explain everything, and if you still want to leave, I won't stop you.”

The idea was tempting. You wanted so desperately to believe that this could be fixed in some kind of confrontation, but that moment had come months ago; on the night you had realized you weren’t pregnant, and he was still involved in his shady business and you still felt suffocated by the confines of the trailer.

You should've just said no, pushed him off. Walked away and not looked back, ignoring his pleas for you to come back. But, as the last of your resolve softened and melted away, you met his eyes. The swelling had gone down enough for you to see both of them now, and caught how they were misty, as if he were also about to cry. The mid-morning sun shone against them, causing the dark flecks of gold in them to shine.

But did you say no? You didn't. You couldn’t. Not to, him, not to your precious Min Yoongi. It was impossible.

“...Fine,” You responded finally, softly, and you watched as Yoongi’s posture seemed to relaxed, and he flashed a small, hopeful smile, which would've looked so much nicer if his lip wasn't busted in half.

He led you back into the trailer, his grip on your hand tight, as if he were scared that you would break away from him at any given moment. He was right, in a way. Your senses were on alert, red lights beeping as you remembered every single warning you’d gotten against toxic relationships in your life.

Once you’d both entered the trailer, he shut the door and leaned against it, as if trying to stop you from leaving again. Your gut tightened with anxiety at the action, as the possibilities of his body language had you eyeing him nervously. What if you decided to leave and he didn’t want to let you?

“I’m leaving the gang.” Yoongi’s voice was quiet, his eyes gazing at yours. You sighed, shaking your head as you set your suitcase down. “Where have I heard that before?”

He shook his head. “Y/n, I’m serious this time. Let me explain--”

“Sure you are, Yoongi.”

“Y/n…”

“I’m sick of living like this, Yoongi! I don’t wanna spend the rest of my life in this shitty trailer. I feel like i’m suffocating in here.”

“What, you think I’m not?”

“You certainly don’t act like you care enough to do anything about it! You’re the one who went back to them, last night, Yoongi. Not me.”

He paused, blinking. His face scrunched into one of confusion, and you wanted to tell him not to do that out of fear that the stitch on his face would open up. “Wait. Did I tell you why I went out last night?”

You furrowed your eyebrows at his deep voice, thinking back to the disastrous night before. “Uh… no. You didn’t.”

He stared at you for a second, before his eyebrows shot up in realization, gaze solemn. “You think I… Oh, jagi, no.”

“What are you talking about, Yoongi?”  

He shot forward, gripping your shoulders, pulling you closer, until you were pressed into his chest.

“I told them I wanted to leave last night.”

A breath you hadn’t realized you’d been holding released itself, and you pushed him away slightly, enough to look him in the eyes, but not enough to have him release his grip on you.

“If you’re lying, I’ll cut your dick off, Min Yoongi.”

He smiled softly, his gaze still sad as a hand reaches for your face to brush a stray hair out of the way, before shaking his head. “It’s the truth, I swear. No need to cut anyone’s dick off.”

“Why… Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I just… I don’t know. I wasn’t sure if it would work, I didn’t want to get your hopes up, in case it didn’t.” He shook his head, lost in thought.

“You should’ve told me,” You murmured, the close proximity enough for him to hear your quiet voice, “All of this could’ve been avoided, Yoongi.”

You wondered to yourself why he didn’t tell you once he came home, before telling yourself he was too drunk to even stand and speak properly, much less explain what he’d done. Combining that with Yoongi’s temper and your outburst, it was easy to figure out that he’d gotten upset at your reaction.

Your hand reached for his face, your thumb brushing over the skin of his cut. “Who did this to you, then?” Your voice was curious, slightly angry at the thought of one of the members of the gang getting violent at whatever he told them.

He sighed, licking his chapped lips nervously. “Namjoon. He was pissed.”  The hand on your back let go as he used it to gesture to the cut on his face, “Told me that if I wanted to leave so bad, I could have this as a parting gift.”

You grimaced at the idea, your imagination going into overdrive to build up a mental image of what he’d just said. “Pissed is an understatement,” You replied, imagining how it must’ve hurt. He scoffed.

“You’re telling me.”

“So you’re done? You’re gone?” The uncertainty in your voice is enough for him to press a kiss to your forehead. “It’s done,” He said, “I’m gone. For you, for us.”

Your eyes fluttered shut, half in relief, half in comfort as he leans to rest his forehead against yours as your mind registered the same four words he’d spoken when he first promised you this.

And as you stand there, in his arms, the reality began to sink in: this was happening.

You might just make it out alive, after all.

[grimelords]

Hello and god bless, I have finally finished my November playlist a week and a half into december. Disco, Guns N’ Roses, an entire doom metal album and everything in between. Please enjoy.

​Extraball - Yuksek: Aside from the extremely nice electro bass I think what I appreciate most about this song is that the chorus seems like the sort of thing you could sing in a round, or as some kind of children’s clapping game.

Mirror Reaper - Bell Witch: Let me be the first to apologise for putting an 80 minute doom metal album as the second song on this playlist. I’m sorry. It was selfish and it won’t happen again. That said, please listen to this because it is transformative. I’ve listened this a lot this month and it’s really affected my mood I think. Doom metal is one of the only genres that takes itself seriously enough to release an album that’s just one 80 minute track but I really can’t fault them for doing it. This is a piece of music that demands to be listened to in full, and while it does naturally divide into movements like anything else this long would, it would be weaker overall if it were split into individual tracks or listened to individually. A lot of the playing on here, which is very sparse in long sections feels like ritual music of some kind - a feeling that’s compounded by the length when you’re absolutely lost within it. It makes electric bass and drums feel like modern ritual instruments and this album feels like an invocation of the spirit of loss itself.

Sixteen Tons - Merle Travis: For some reason I keep thinking about and listening to different versions of Sixteen Tons. This is Merle Travis, the orginal songwriter, but this is a new recording he did in 1989. Notably I love the very plaintive solo in the middle of this, but I especially love that he changed the lyric at the end to say “I owe my soul to Tennessee Ernie Ford” which feels like an agressive rebuke or a solemn nod but I can’t tell which.

Looking Up - Michael Smith: My girlfriend sent me this song because she heard it on the podcast Good Christian Fun which as I understand it is an exploration of the bizzare world of american evangelical christian media. Anyway this song rocks. It sounds like Todd Terje remixed the theme to some lost 80s sitcom and I really can’t get enough of it.

Wild - Beach House: This is such a beautiful song. I love the tinny drum machine and the live drums that sound programmed constrasting against the huge wall of guitar and synths. I used to listen to this album a lot a few years ago when I worked night shift and it reminds me of standing on top of wine tanks in the cool night air at 2am texting my now girlfriend as she went to bed. Sorry.

Piano Concerto No. 3 In D Minor, Op.30: 1. Allegro ma non tanto - Sergei Rachmaninoff: I had a friend in school who did his licentiate degree in piano in year 12 and was obsessed with this piece. One day he took me through the whole first movement and showed me how the theme is established and comes back in different forms over and over again throughout and basically taught me how to listen to classical music which was very kind of him because it’s something I’m only really appreciating now.

Verklärte Nacht, Op.4: String Sextett for 2 Violins, 2 Violas and 2 Cellos - Arnold Schoenberg: This is an early Schoenberg piece before he got into that good good atonal serialism, but it does still have moments that presage what was to come. I don’t really have much to say about this other than it’s a very good place to start with Schoenberg because it’s like proof that he was a human man at one point.

Day-O (The Banana Boat Song) - Harry Belafonte: I’ve really been thinking about how work songs like this and like Sixteen Tons become international hits. This one especially, in the 50s, was it because it was a really good song (which it is) that a lot of people related to or was it a sort of exoticism about funny banana song (which to be fair, it also is).

Boogie Wonderland (12" Version) - Earth, Wind And Fire: This is the song you hear playing from the other side of the door when you get to heaven.

Apollo’s Mood - The Olympians: This album is basically a collection of Daptone All-Stars under the name The Olympians just doing their thing and it’s really amazing. I especially love the harpsichord in this, an instrument that doesn’t get nearly enough of a workout in soul music. Also, I don’t really know how to describe it but I really love the way the snare roll that starts it off and comes back a few times sounds - buzzy and busy without rushing anyone.

Saturn - The Olympians: This is the song you use for your montage at the end of a James Bond movie that’s just four minutes of him relaxing and drinking different cocktails by himself that the critics called ‘wholly unneccesary’. In the drums and bongo break he does a little dance and falls over.

November Rain - Guns N’ Roses: As far as overblown classic rock epics go, I really wish November Rain had the cultural place of bad song Bohemian Rhapsody or Stairway To Heaven because underneath the 9 minutes of stings and bullshit it’s actually a very beautiful and sad song written by an idiot.

Sisters Of The Moon - Fleetwood Mac: With the current wytchy cult that Stevie Nicks has around her it’s easy to forget that she wrote songs like Sisters Of The Moon, a song explicitly about a witch converting other women to witchery. I love the big extended phrase of guitar chords in the chorus and I’m very mad about how this song fades out just as it’s absolutely going off.

When The Levee Breaks - Led Zeppelin: Rounding out this unexpected classic rock trio is When The Levee Breaks which I was thinking about because I was thinking about The Big Short. This song sounds so good and there’s been so much written about the famous drum sound and the production but what I only learned this month is that it was apparently recorded at a faster tempo and then slowed down afterwards, which explains a lot about a lot of the sounds in here.

Bad Liar - Selena Gomez: This is maybe the pop song of the year honestly. It’s so good in every single aspect, especially the when she says’ oh baby lets make reality, actuality, reality’ which is a very weird lyric. So is 'you’re taking up a fraction of my mind, every time I watch you serpentine(?)’. Great stuff all around.

Hello Miss Lonesome - Marlon Williams: I saw Marlon Williams a year or so ago and it was one of the best gigs I’ve been to because things just kept going wrong. Broken strings and misunderstandings and all that sort of thing, and the highlight for me was in this song the drummer got overconfident and started pushing the tempo near the end and eventually tripped over himself so badly they had to stop and start again.

The Voice Of Q - Q: Here’s how you can tell a song is good: you can only find it on Spotify on a compilation album called 'Cocaine Boogie: 24 Kilos Of Underground 80s Dance’. This song seems like a classic case of 'somebody bought a vocoder’ and it’s very very good, another fantastic entry in the canon of interplanetary disco. I also love the children sadly pleading with Q to come back at the end, because the song hasn’t really given you any understanding of who or what Q is other than a being with a voice who is from space.

Take A Trip - Rev. Utah Smith: If I were, hypothetically, to start, for example, a UFO cult, I would definitely have my congregation sing this song. I love it so much. Outside of the fun premise it does what good gospel music should do and completely uplifts my spirit by promising a better life after this one, and if I get to go there by rocket ship, well that’s all the better.

Normal Person - Arcade Fire: I love the little 'do you like rock and roll music? 'cause I don’t know if I do.’ he sings at the start because it sounds like they’re into their 13th hour of recording or something. I love the lead guitar that sounds like it’s severely undernourished but trying its best and I love how strangely heavy the bass and rhythm guitar is compared to a lot of their other songs. A good song to sing along to while you’re driving.

Top Of The World - Kimbra: I don’t know exactly how or why but Kimbra made a Kanye song. Playing the dual roles of Kanye and Featured Artist she does a great job and once again defies whatever I thought she was going to do next. I can’t wait for the album, I hope it has even more Raps.

Eric’s Trip - Sonic Youth: I’ve never gotten much into Sonic Youth because they seemed way too New York Cool for me, so imagine my heartbreak when I found out the lyrics to my favourite song of theirs are wholesale lifted from an Andy Warhol film. I still have a lot of love for 'my head’s on straight, my girlfriend’s beautiful, it looks pretty good to me’ though.

I Hope I Sleep Tonight - DJ Seinfeld: God I’d be embarrassed if I blew up on soundcloud with the name 'DJ Seinfeld’ and then had to keep it when I put my album out. This album varies pretty wildly in quality but I really love this track, the synth melody that just careens around wildly while the rest of the song happens nearby is what does it for me I think.

Problem With The Sun - Nicolas Jaar: “In an interview with Self-Titled Magazine, Jaar said “I was watching a documentary about bugs. It said that if they looked at the sun, they’d die. I thought ‘Oh, that’s funny; that’s cute’ and I wrote a track about it (…). If you find something really special in a tiny story about bugs, it could have a much bigger meaning than that. I like the idea of turning life into this miniature thing”.” He’s used this particular voice modulation on a couple of song and it really cracks me up because it so thick and textured and just plain silly but somehow it suits the song perfectly.

Long Strong Diamond - Baggsmen: This is a song I remember seeing on Rage late at night years and years ago. The guy was dressed up as a werewolf and kidnapping some girl but he gets so distracted by his song about being a werewolf that she ends up escaping. Extremely mad to find out that the guy in this song from years ago that I love is none other than personal enemy of mine Jake Stone from Bluejuice.

XO/The Host/Initiation - The Weeknd: Trilogy could well be the best album of the decade. Remember when The Weeknd was this mysterious anonymous guy who was firmly a character and not an actual guy who seems to actually believe what he’s singing? I love Trilogy because the progression across the three discs from like 'cool indifferent party guy’ in House Of Balloons to extremely deranged cult leader in Echoes Of Silence is very satisfying. Initiation especially is great because it’s like a cool fun song about a party mixed with some extremely dark shit about the clocks not working so you can’t tell the time and the blinds not working so you can’t see outside in a scary pitch shifting voice. “And all I wanna do is leave 'cause I’ve been zoning for a week and I ain’t left this little room, trying to concentrate to breathe” but you absolutely MUST meet my boys.

This Guy’s In Love With You - Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass: Anyway here’s a change of pace. A very peaceful song about just fucking dying if she won’t be your girl. I love how dramatic this song gets before completely stopping and starting again into a very relaxed trumpet line.

Jasmine (demo) - Jai Paul: I’m obsessed with the cult that develops around guys like Jai Paul and Jay Electronica, who put out two songs that are so good that it drives people insane when they don’t put out any more. There’s apparently a bunch of stuff happening with Jai Paul currently that I haven’t been keeping track of but The Fader had a really good article earlier this year about how the Jai Paul leaks and how insane it made everyone. Aside from all that, the song is pure magic - just listen to it and you can understand why everyone was obsessed as they were.

Freaking Out The Neighbourhood - Mac Demarco: I remember I saw an interview with Mac Demarco talking about this song and he described the riff as just some dumb little thing he made up which is shocking to me because I am totally obsessed with how good it sounds. It’s perfect!

Bob - “Weird Al” Yankovic: Yes baby it’s Weird Al’s all-palindrome Bob Dylan parody! I was telling my girfriend about how this is actually really good songwriting because even though it’s essentially gibberish it has enough good imagery and fun sounds that it works anyway and really how different is 'may a moody baby doom a yam’ to 'transient jet lagged ecto-mimed bison’ from the Mars Volta which also appears on this list? Anyway she hated it, and rightly so.

I Have Good News To Bring - Sister Rosetta Tharpe: Live from the basement church of my UFO cult, a beautiful version of Take A Trip that sounds like it was recorded on the organ of an empty baseball stadium at night.

Julia - Jungle: I have been desperately waiting for three years now for another Jungle album and they finally posted about new songs the other day and I got very very excited. This is an amazing song, every sound in it is so perfectly placed and the vocals are very beautiful and have such a rich bass for such a high tenor. I love the way the drums subtly get very busy in the last few choruses, I could listen to this song for hours.

Ray Gun (feat. DOOM) -BadBadNotGood & Ghostface Killah: I love that this song is maybe 20bmp faster than Ghostface or Doom are expecting. Doom especially sounds far more excited than he has in years and they both do really well with it. Also, I was certain the melody it breaks into in the last third was some Lalo Schifrin bit I’ve heard before but I can’t seem to find any info corroborating that. If it’s familiar to you or you know where it’s from, please reply to this post because it’s been driving me crazy.

Confessions Pt. III - BadBadNotGood & Colin Stetson: Any song where Colin Stetson has to play with others is funny to me. He’s such a self contained ball of power that him joining a traditional group like it just wouldn’t work. Sure, this song does sort of sound like him doing his own thing for seven minutes while the band sort of reacts to him but it is absolutely fantastic anyway.

Everyone Nose (All The Girls Standing In The Line For The Bathroom) - N.E.R.D: Remember when Pharrell was crazy? This song is total chaos. The pitched down sample in the hook, the two note bassline, the sax that just hoots once a bar. And I absolutely love the contrast of the beautiful bridge, especially the 'achooo’ backing vocals.

Parties - Shlohmo: Bad Vibes was such a moment. It is such a beautiful album, and a very easy album to fall asleep to and then wake up 20 minutes later terrified and choked by your headphones because Trapped In A Burning House, the song that sounds exactly like its title and nothing like the rest of the album, came on. I have such a strong emotional reaction I really can’t explain to the cutoff samples of people laughing near the end of this song.

Bering/Human Till Born -Talkdemonic: I have no idea how I came across this album but I’ve been listening to it constantly for ten years now and I still find new things to appreciate in it. The drums especially in Human Till Born are a source of obsession for me.

Don Caballero 3 - Don Caballero: For a long time I never 'got’ Don Caballero or Hella or any of these supposedly legendary math bands, despite loving so many bands obvously influenced by them. But then one day this album, and this song especially just clicked for me. It also happened to coincide with one of the most surreal weeks of my life when I was on a cruise ship and all I listened to was this and a field recording album that seems to have completely deleted itself from my computer since then. The best advice I’ve heard for listening to this is, and bands like it is that it’s backward. The drums are the lead instrument and everything else works around that, if that helps. This song has a twisted sort of morose quality that’s really hard to pin down. Some days it is absolutely heartbreaking, which sounds silly but it’s true.

B.Y.O.B. - System Of A Down: There’s a few reasons I was thinking of this song. First and most importantly it’s because of that dog vine but the other reason is I was thinking about how there hasn’t been a good anti-trump song yet outside of YG’s FDT, and that came out before the election. This and American Idiot came out in 2004/5, and I suppose it’s only been a year since the election so we’ve got a few years yet until the real hits come out I guess. Or I suppose he’d have to actually properly declare war, which, you know.

4D/MTI - Koreless: These songs are so intertwined in my head I feel like you can’t have one without this other. 4D is such a simple, beautiful piece of music. The synth that sounds like glass and the chopped vocals getting more and more contorted as the song goes on contrasted with the propulsion of the drums is so great. Both of these songs have a meticulousness and restraint to their sound, every single piece is perfectly where it should be and nothing else is allowed. Even MTI using so much white noise feels incredibly controlled and when it totally drops out it feels like coming up from underwater.

New Lands - Justice: Remember when Justice took 4 years to write a follow up to their album that lit the world on fire and instead of doing the same thing again they made a classic rock album? Everyone was so mad. Luckily this song is incredible and everyone was wrong once more.

You Discovered The Secret And Juiced It For All Its Majesty - Venetian Snares: This is from an EP called Cubist Reggae which I think a lot about in concept alone. This is probably the song that illustrates the idea worst but I love it a lot. My incredibly unpopular opinion is that Venetian Snares is miles better of Aphex Twin and whoever but everyone’s written him off as the Rossz Csillag guy so he doesn’t get no respect. I love how detailed his music is, how every one of the million sounds seems to be perfectly placed. I think he’s in a similar position to Autechre where he’s been making and listening to only his own music for so long now that he’s forgotten how normal music sounds, which is good.

Blues Run The Game - Jackson C. Frank: I made a playlist a couple of years ago of all the songs I sing to myself when I’m just walking around or whatever and it turned out about 6/10 had 'blues’ or 'hard times’ in the title, which is tough but it’s ok, and this was one of them. If you want to read a wiki article that’ll make you cry, read Jackson C. Frank’s, but mostly you should just listen to this, his only album.

Thermal Treasure - Polvo: I played this song for my girlfriend and during the intro she said 'you have such a wide variety of tense, off kilter music seeminly designed just to put people on edge’. I’m a huge fan of this very defensive sentence in Polvo’s wiki article 'Their sound was so unpredictable and angular that the band’s guitarists were often accused of failing to play with correctly tuned guitars’.

FML - Kanye West: This is such a strangely affecting song and it’s hard to be sympathetic to Kanye as a narrator sometimes (especially when he insists on doubling down on dogshit lines like “'I'mma have the last laugh indian cause I’m from the tribe called chekaho’”) but against all odds you can identify and relate to his struggle to hold onto the woman he loves and not be undone by his own worst instincts. Musically this is the best The Weeknd has ever sounded and I already love him a lot, and the way the drums lead into the sample at the end is just perfect.

Roulette Dares (The Haunt Of) - The Mars Volta: This is the album I’ve probably listened to the most in my life. As a teenager I would listen to this album every night for easily a year and somehow there’s still something new to hear in it. It’s almost hard to listen to it now because I have so much Teenage Feeling attached to it but it’s still an incredible piece of work. Jon Theodore deserves a statue for his drumming on this album, and this song especially, in my humble opinion.

Life’s A Beach! - Studio: God I love Studio. I think if you tried to describe them on paper you could never make it sound like good music. “It’s sort of, balearic , reggae, guitar-led dance music and the songs go for about 15 minutes most of the time.” But it is good music! I absolutely promise it’s incredible music!

The Number Song (Cut Chemist Remix) - DJ Shadow: I love this remix because it feels like theseus’ ship as demonstrated via remix. How many parts can you swap out for similar but not identical parts before it’s a completely different song. The drums are almost the same beat, but a totally different sample.The Jackson 5 horns in the original that signal the transition to the second half are still here with the same function, but it’s an entirely different horn sample, and an entirely different second half save for 'the party’s already started, and it’s about to end’. 

listen here

[summerinsacramento-blog1]

Seeing the forest when you’re stuck in the trees

One week later, I feel rationally better. My heart hasn’t caught on, but I don’t feel the deep sting I felt before. Now, it’s a numb little tingling that I can ignore. Every day, it’ll sting less and less, but its probably gonna be a point of sadness I hold for years when I remember what 22 felt like. And that’s fine. I have years to heal and move on. I turn 23 in 27 days. That can be the night I officially start a new chapter. One without my last love, but a year where hopefully I feel self-love that I never felt before.

With that said, I am writing this while listening to The Weeknd’s new album about how hes heartbroken for the umpteenth time, so we’ll see how this goes. My friend said I should actually listen to this now, as its what I need. Ricky if youre reading this and I hate myself after this, it’s on you.

This is the story of a young boy who is processing heartbreak in a new city, new career, and a new frame of mind. This is the story of what I have learned in the last week, when my life was pulled out from under me in what I believe will be the best possible way. It sucks now, but I’ve learned something, tangentially related to the relationship.

The title

In order to understand this, I want to start by letting you see who I am. I graduated from college in 2017. It hasn’t even been a year since I stopped living my life in terms of “you have 3 months to prove yourself, go.” Until today, I never realized just how much that had affected the way of life I was living.

My mentor today totally slapped the shit out of me with this one: “Stop thinking in the now. Do what will make you happy 10 years from now. Everything is else is just experience. Not everything has to work.”

That man met me 4 hours ago as I type this, and he’s managed to being me back from a stage of confusion to clarity.

He then hit me with this one: youre not playing with the same rules anymore as when you were in college.  You’ve been living on 3 month blocks of time. You need to learn to work towards a deep future, which you do not have the vision for now.

It hit me immediately that he’s right. For the 5 years since I left home, I have essentially lived my life in such a microscopic scale that I never learned how to see past the tree I was currently on. I lived life climbing a tree, seeing what was coming, and walking to that… but that means that I followed a track. I went from class to class, job to job, woman to woman, hoping to get what I wanted, but the thing is

You can only see trees that are in your field of vision that way, and this is incredibly slow.

Also,

this assumes you want to stay in the forest.

I’ve been thinking about this all day, because I need to learn how to think that way and get off the trees and start walking. I need to go to town and make friends that will last years here. I know I have the same feelings in Phoenix (more on that down the road), but I can’t leave myself with no options in Sacramento. I don’t even mean romantically here. What if I still don’t know what I want? What if I make a Friend in Sacramento with a haircut business and he trains me to be his recruiter? What if I meet a young couple in Sacramento, and they pass me all of their furniture because they’re leaving the city to start a new life? What if I meet a kid in Sacramento who needs a mentor and I commit to making his life better? What if I meet a woman in Roseville who runs a night club and she wants to pay me to be a stripper?  What if I what if I what if I what if I get out of the house and find out.

Both he and my trainer have pointed out to me that I cannot rely on my job to bring me happiness, I have to make it on my own, and I have every intention to. I will be leaving my apartment in 3 weeks and moving to the city. Density is the greatest asset of a city; the only finite resource you have is time. So Im starting a journey of self discovery. I’m joining the sister chapter to the club I loved the most while at Arizona State. I joined a volleyball league. I’m going to every work social from here out for young people – I refuse to wallow in the sadness anymore. I already told the girl I loved all the good and the bad. Everything from here on out is overkill. I won’t be sad, as itll sully the memories of the times we weren’t. Don’t be fooled, I am hurt, but I am taking it as a good hurt instead of sinking to the dark place I was in 2016.

 Speaking of 2016: The Dark Descent of Drunk Depressed Jairo

(For the sake of the other people in this story, I am changing names. If you are my friend and know, cool, but I don’t want to breach their privacy as I share mine)

This story actually starts in 2015, and I sat on it for a long time. It was during an event I ran. Three powerful figures that still mar my self-conscious were there. Girl 1 was texting me throughout the day. Girl 2 and 3 were there. I don’t want to drop too many details, but I remember thinking “Girl 3 is super nice, but I shouldn’t hit on her because she won’t appreciate it.” I had been trying to get at Girl 2 for weeks. Girl 1 was dumb as all hell for being interested in me and getting me first down the line.

I dated Girl 1 for a year. The second half of that year was the most miserable point of my existence. I remember I asked my friends if I should leave at month 5. They said I needed to give her time, and I suffered for 6 more. All this time, I kept having constant desires to leave her for Girl 2 (I NEVER acted on these. It was more of a “why does this girl treat me better than the one who claims to love me?), and she was jealous of Girl 2. I can’t blame her. My 21st bday was during that time, and after ending things I started being a degenerate in plain view of everyone. I am not proud.

But it was okay, I was on a high tree and I knew the kind of tree that I would climb. Drunk me wanted to climb, and there are entire weeks of my life where I drank every day.

Give it like 2 months, and I was starting to talk to this girl, I’ll call her girl 4. I thought that was the tree I would climb next – and boy did I try. We even agreed to go on a date. It never happened though, because in the days in between, I definitely linked up with Girl 2, sort of fast. Just as fast things ended.

Anyway I managed to fall from two trees in like 3 weeks, and I was going nuts for 6 months after. This is where the spiral took off. My grades took damage and I lost interest in most things, and I was so hurt that my search for my future was taking so long, and I kept getting hurt while trying. Why was this forest so thorny? I gained like 20 pounds in liquor weight, which I barely got rid of recently.

That is, until I linked up with Girl 3 once again in 2017 and this time by accident. We were together for what are the happiest days of my life so far. There will be better days, but I haven’t seen them yet. At least not so concentrated. Whatever it was though, I loved her for who she was for a year, and I want to believe she genuinely loved me back.  It did hurt, however, that I always told her the above story, and I would say that I finally picked the right girl. I was on the right tree.

As of last week we know that isn’t true. She cut off the tree under me, but she did it at the right time. And actually, it was on the 3rd anniversary of the day those three girls flowed together into my life.

I was sad because I was on the ground. Tired of climbing and thinking I finally climbed the tallest tree in the forest and found the best spot, only to tumble.

But there was another force at play that I never saw coming. Her name is Girl 0. There is no romance there, we are just good friends, or rather, were. Eight years ago – she was my best friend in 8th grade before we drifted apart. She came back into my life to make sure I was okay, and in the past 6 days we’ve rapidly realized that were good friends still. That gave me so much perspective. Time moves on for everyone, but my best friend from middle school and I collabed for another album ten years later, and with no resentment. She’s coming to my 23rd birthday and that’s exciting!

I also realized that I no longer have resentment for G1 ort G2 since almost 2 years have passed, and I won’t resent G3 at some point. Well, I don’t resent her the same, but one day I’ll either stop missing her, or will feel differently than now – I can freely admit she was the most special girl of my life, and she’ll be a tough act to follow. I kind of wish me moving 800 miles didn’t drive us apart, but I’m also glad it did because now I have to force myself to walk along this forest, no matter how scared I am. I will grow from this. G4 is engaged now, to the boy that she would link up with after me. I’m happy for her, genuinely.

  Regardless, that was the lesson I needed. I need to step down from the trees. Its time I start walking and stop looking for anything in particular short term. I can’t go through this forest one tree at a time. I need to pick a direction and walk it. That’s scary because I don’t know the future, but it was scary before, and I made little progress. Maybe this scary time is what I need. Maybe I need to just keep going and remember that the first 18 years didn’t count, the next 4 were a trial period, and the most recent 1 was me playing with the rules that no longer worked. I got X amount of years left, and I gotta make them count.

 On a similar note, I would like to thank every single person who came out in support of me. You guys are the best, and your friendships, some way old and some way young, have helped me remember that I am loved, and that I am never truly alone.

On another note: The Weeknd’s album was okay and did not make me feel sad. The man almost gave Selena Gomez a kidney though, so maybe he was in deeper love than I was.

On another nother note: If you take the height of the 8 girls I consider exes and plot it, it makes a sine wave with an average around 5’4”. If the pattern holds, the next girl I date has to be taller than me. We’ll see, but maybe I’ll start climbing again, just differently now.

[bhadpodcast]

Best Listener

“Best Listener” is a weird superlative to get when you’re a closeted teenager in high school.  Damon was pleased to get it, happy he’d made some sort of mark on his class body, something more permanent than they’d left on him.  But still, it was a weird thing to actually think about.  Best listener could also mean “Most Quiet” which could be construed to mean “Most Often Unheard” or “Most Misunderstood”.  Either way it was a weird thing to contend with, to be called or thought of.

Perhaps though, since he was such a good listener, it’s the reason why Damon was able to pick out the irony in the honor bestowed to him.   And besides, it wasn’t wrong, he was a good listener and his friends now told him all the time.  And there were times he liked to be listened to, but he has his people for that.  So he doesn’t need to talk so much.  Mostly he listens.

“Twitter is weird, right?”  Dylan is lying on his back and Damon is kneeling on the floor, arms wrapped around the boy’s thighs as he noses at Dylan’s ballsack and kitten licks his taint.  He’d had to wax for a movie role and kept it up long after wrap just in case of reshoots.  He’d be letting it grow back out soon so this was the last hurrah for a while.  The grow back period was always a special form of fun for Damon.  He liked the prickly wiriness and how the body stubble would feel against his chin, like a lover growing in their beard.  

“I mean, like, Colton and I just had this convo about having Adele’s babies, right?”  Dylan said, running his hand over Damon’s head, gasping lightly as he watches Damon taking one ball into his mouth.  Damon knew the conversation.  The show demanded that each of the cast get and maintain a Twitter account.  Something about it being the future of celebrity/fan interaction and it’d be all the rage, Facebook for the common man!  Interconnectivity within 140 characters!  Damon didn’t know too much about it, just that Ashton Kutcher was hot.

(READ MORE)

Damon doesn’t reply, his mouth is busy anyway, so he continues suckling and waits for Dylan to continue.

“And so like, I’m literally saying that I -a human male- completely lacking of a cervix would have Adele’s baby.  And the number one anatomy question?  My fucking hips!”  At the word hips, Dylan thrusts his slightly.  He looks down at Damon apologetically who just smiles.  Damon lifts up Dylan’s legs, bending them at the knee and reaches his tongue forward to spelunk in Dylan’s sunken place.

“The fucked up thing is that- shit!”  Dylan cuts off as his head goes back and he sighs.  His back is arched and his nipples are starting to pebble.  There’s a tuft of hair regrowing in the middle of his chest.  Damon sneaks a finger through it while the other joins his tongue.  “Fuck, I love when you do that!  I’m totally going to do that when- shit!”  

Damon smiles smugly at the boy who comes down from his bliss rest stop and flips Damon off, grinning devilishly.  

“I’m still a newbie, but I swear when I become a pro, I’m going to fuck you up.”  Dylan says cheekily as he rubs his nipples and glides his hands up and down his sides.  Damon glances into his sparkling eyes and nods.

“I’m looking forward to it.”

Dylan laughs in that silent, open mouth thing he does and lays his head back again.

“So anyhow… wait, what were we talking about?”

“I’m going to go with Nothing for $400, Alex.”

“Don’t be a dick, we were fucking talking about… umm, shit!  Fuck, was it Shakira?  Something about hips? “

“You’re so fucking high.”  Damon laughs.  He should know, he’s fucking high as shit too.  Dylan shakes his head first and then thinks better of it, nodding enthusiastically.

“Okay, so yeah, I’m fucking high, but this isn’t weed’s fault, bro!  This is why it’s impossible to have intelligent conversation with a tongue in your ass!”

“Oh, I don’t know.  I’ve had some really cool conversations with your ass.”  Damon quips with a bite to the inside of Dylan’s cheek.  Dylan laughs brightly.

“Woah, really? What about?” He asks, unbothered.  He’s fisting his cock slowly and holding his balls out of the way as Damon tongues around his rim.

“Mostly about what an asshole you are.”  Damon answers with a smacking kiss directly to the boy’s hole.  He looks up and sees Dylan peering down at him shaking his head.

“Damn, I walked right into that, didn’t I?”  

Dylan’s been more open with him lately, about himself, which Damon appreciates.  

“Nah, I’m just that smooth.”  Damon edges his tongue along Dylan’s ring again, this time punctuating the ministration with a light blow of wind from his mouth.  Dylan giggles.

“Yeah, I guess you are.”

“So you were saying something about having Adele’s babies?”  

Dylan nods as though coming back online and grins, partially at Damon’s superior listening skills and partially at the act of his balls being back in Damon’s mouth.

“Yeah!  I was saying the fucked up thing is that as long as it’s a guy and a girl, I can be as outrageous as possible and no one blinks an eye, right?  But like, if I try to apply the logic that in order to be a pregnant male, Adele would have to have a dick, then it’s gay and everyone gets really weird.”

Damon looks up at the boy.

“Dyl, what the fuck are you talking about?”

Dylan laughs again and shrugs,  “Dude, I don’t fucking know!”  He sits up and scoots back to the end of the bed leaning against the headboard.  He motions for Damon to move closer so he’s not on his knees at the end of the bed, instead laying in between Dylan’s legs.  Thoughtful.

“I tried saying something to Hoech about it.”  Dylan’s been more open about talking.. well not exactly about Hoechlin, there are times few and far between he’ll mention his name like this, but about his place on the sexuality spectrum at all.  He’s working through it, Damon can tell.  Trying to figure out what type he is, what he likes, where he fits, if that’s weird.  “I said something later while he and I were at Colton’s -I think you and Dan were hanging out- and I was like,

‘I feel like if Adele did want me to have her babies, she’d be real gentle about getting them into me.  Like, she’d take real good care of me.’

And I remember watching Colton who laughed like he was nervous, but he has that mask thing going on, you know?  And so he’s doing that, but he’s watching Hoech who’s watching the game and just shrugs and says,

‘There’s artificial insemination, bro.’

In that weird, noncommittal way he has, you know?  And like, you could hear a fucking needle drop and that’s when you called and me and Colty met you later.”  

Damon nods (or rather, bobs), remembering the night.  He and Dan had done some shopping for the show and later met up with Colton and Dylan.  They’d gotten gelato and Dylan paid for it.  Damon wasn’t sure why he remembered that.

“And it made me think -and this is where the me being super high part comes in- but like, how can you be gay and not like dick?”

This makes Damon laugh and choke slightly on the cock in his mouth.  Dylan reaches out and instinctively grabs a water bottle from the side table.  Damon waves off his concern, but takes a sip before leaning forward and fake strangling Dylan.  The little imp is still laughing.

“Did that even make sense in your head?!”  Damon yells, poking incessantly at the boy.

“I told you I was fucking high!  But hear me out!”  Dylan pleads, both hands up and his bambi eyes in full defense mode.  

“Okay, so like… what?”

“Okay, I know, but like, everything you can do with a guy, you can also do with a girl, except those things that require a dick, right?”  Dylan tries to look matter-of-fact, but even he knows he sounds ridiculous.

“Well there are strap-ons.”

“Well yeah, but I mean, naturally.  So it would reason-”

“Oh, so we’re using reason now?”

“Bro, shut up!  This is so deep, I promise.”

“Whatever.”  Damon lays his head on Dylan’s chest, thumbing the pouty nipple until it blushes and rounds out.

“It would reason, that if you were a dude and wanting to get up on another dude that it’s because you really like dick, right?”

“Well, I don’t know, Dyll, that might be the thing for you, but I guess, like some dudes like really manly, hair lumberjack dudes and some like them twinky, like you.”

“I’m not a twink!”  Dylan insists, but laughs when Damon looks at him incredulously.

“I’m only hairless because of the movie, it’s growing back in!”

“Yeah, sure.”

“But I’m a top!  Can you be a twink top?”

Damon thinks back to his twink days briefly before shrugging.  “I think it’s different for everyone though.  Like, some gay dudes don’t even like ass.”

“You see?  That’s fucking crazy to me!”  Dylan throws his arms up and ogles at Damon in disbelief, “Like, I’m not one to care all that much about labels, but how can you call yourself a gay dude and not like ass?  I love ass!  I love dick!”

“But you’re not gay.”

“I guess, but I’m pretty fucking close, right?”

Damon cocks a brow, “If Selena Gomez grew a dick you’d be all over that.”

Dylan opens his mouth to debate, but his eyes flick upwards, imagining some pop star abomination and he gapes.  “Holy shit, and a beard!?  Wait, I don’t know.. I think I may like girls for one thing and guys for another?  But like, I wouldn’t be against testing that situation.”

“You’re so fucking weird.”  Damon says shaking his head.  He gathers Dylan into his arms and Dylan runs his hands up and down Damon’s body, pausing only to briefly grip Damon’s inner thigh.

“I don’t want you to tell me if you can’t, but like… is Colton gay?  I never really thought about my gaydar, but I feel like, I could be a good friend to him, if I came out to him, you know?”

Colton was gay, but it wasn’t Damon’s story to tell. Colton’s waited his entire life to be gay and as long as he’s in Hollywood, he’ll wait longer.  The day Dylan mentioned earlier he’d actually called Colton to go to an after party of some guy one of the crew of The Vampire Diaries had met at some gay bar in the city.  Colton mentioned Dylan and they decided instead on gelato.  Weird because Damon knew that Dylan would have loved that party.  But these stories weren’t meant to be told yet.  Damon just shrugs and looks at Dylan knowingly.  Dylan nods and leans over, kissing Damon on the cheek.

“I love that I can talk to you.  You’re such a good listener.”  Dylan traces a finger over Damon’s eyebrows, clearly imagining someone else’s.  Damon sighs.  He’s happy Dylan can talk to him.  He talks to Posey about pussy.  Flirts with Hoechlin about sports.  And he talks boys with Damon’s ass.

“You can always talk to me Dylan.  Or not talk.  Or I can try to make you speechless.”

Dylan’s eyes widen, but then narrow mischievously.  He’s learning how to flirt with them.  He’s a quick study.

“Sooo… I… Can I fuck you again?  Doggystyle?”

“Whatever you want.”  Damon replies, kissing him on the nose.  Dylan quiets, gets contemplative in that way that he has.

“And if I say… if I say.. like, is that okay?  I fucking don’t really want to be an asshole, but is it okay with you that I sometimes say his-”

“Whatever you need, Dylan.  This is about you.”

Dylan looks at him as though a bit skeptical.  Which surprises and only endears Damon more to him.  He realizes he’s not lying.  It really is about whatever the young boy wants and needs, about giving that to him.  He kisses him soundly, their tongues mingling, Dylan’s searching for a memory of what he still thinks he can’t have and Damon’s searching for ways to make real a fantasy.  It works, for a few moments Damon thinks it works though he’s never totally sure when Dylan falls quiet.

Dylan rolls them on the bed and kisses Damon again, holding him to the mattress with a firm hand anchored in the middle of Damon’s chest.  He kisses his neck and then sits up, surveying the land laid out before him.  He signals for Damon to turn over, which he does, and pulls up his hips.  Damon rests his head on his forearms as he hears the click of the lube bottle cap and the rip of the condom wrapper.  Dylan preps him in the sloppy, enthusiastic way that could practically be trademarked and finally enters him, bottoming out quickly and breathing hotly into Damon’s ear.  

Damon can feel the tickle of Dylan’s growing in pubes at the back of his ass and apparently so can Dylan as he reaches back to feel where the two are joined.

“Fuck, that’s so hot.  I wonder what it’ll be like with more hair.  You’re less hairy than, fuck, I’m doing it again, aren’t I?”

“Dylan fucking move!”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Dylan pulls out slightly and snaps his hips in again, moaning obscenely, his head planted in the nape of Damon’s neck.  As Dylan finds a rhythm his fingers graze Damon’s hairline in the back, following the ‘V’ it forms.  The only other person on set who gets the V is-

“Hoech! Oh my fucking... Hoech-”  Dylan sputters as he gets lost in whatever fantasy he’s in.  Damon doesn’t bristle, just takes it, thinks of his own fantasies, maybe tries to ignore how Dylan is starting to make more and more of an appearance in them.

Dylan strips Damon until both are coming hard, their sweaty bodies shuddering with release.  Damon knew well enough to put down a towel so he didn’t ruin his bed, and he’s using it now to quickly wipe down them both down as they position themselves shoulder to shoulder.  

Dylan pulls out a cigarette and lights it, taking a puff before passing it to Damon.  He gets it back and watches the revolutions of the ceiling fan above them.

“Speaking of beards… they.. they set up another date with that girl I told you about.”

Damon doesn’t say anything.  He doesn’t really have to.  Mostly he listens.