#i am TIRED of drawing poses and angles and..maybe now i will actually take a break from drawing bc of the tediousness of Angles

[lunarharp]

What led to this (orufrey comic, cw an uncomfortable/creepy scene)

[avaritia-apotheosis]

Phantom Children Ch. 8

What's this? An update! Massive thanks to my betas for helping me get through this chapter <3

In Which: A few answers are given to the family and Danny is rudely awoken

[Side note: If you wanna know the general ages of the batfam, its listed in the AO3 version. I also talk about katanas in the end notes ^-^]

AO3 | Prologue | 7 | [ 8 ] | 9 DAMIAN INFORMED TODD—and Drake when he arrived on his bike sometime later on—that the boy whose face is plastered across the monitor was neither a picture of himself nor of Father.

Drake took one glance at the monitor and sighed, pressing his fingers against the bridge of his nose. “Just when I thought this day was getting better.”

“What, did that café on 5th finally let customers supersize their drink?”

“God that would be the dream, wouldn’t it?” Drake sighed wistfully. “Nah, but I did get a lead on where some of that stolen Cadmus tech might’ve ended up. I was gonna spend the night following up on it, but I guess we have to deal with,” he gestured to the monitor, “whatever this is.”

Todd leaned against the edge of the computer, arms crossed over the red bat insignia on his chest. “What are we dealing with this time, brat? A clone? An alternate universe counterpart? Magic shenanigans?”

Maybe. Perhaps. All of those were perfectly valid conclusions for the enigma that was Daniel James Fenton. (Why Fenton and not al Ghul? Or even Wayne?)

Damian, too, was a genetic experiment; a ‘test tube baby’ as Drake put it at times. Damian was born for greatness, created to be perfect. The perfect soldier. The perfect assassin. The perfect heir. Was this boy—Daniel—like him as well?

A failed one, then. Perhaps the precursor to Damian’s own existence. But that would not explain why the boy was allowed to exist for so long. His grandfather demanded perfection, especially from those of his own blood. If the boy was a failure, he would have been eliminated immediately, not sent to live with some eccentric scientists in the Midwest.

Damian was not naïve enough to think that his mother and grandfather did not keep secrets from him. On the contrary, he expected it. The League of Shadows dealt in secrets as often as it did in death. Certain information was worth its weight in gold, whether it was given or buried away.

But he could not help the sharp pang in his chest. A lightning strike, quick and electrifying at the notion that they kept secrets about their family from him.

His father’s face flashed in his mind. The shock turned into a slow, dawning horror. That flicker of light, of recognition, as he scrutinized the contents of the flash drive and cross-referenced it with a public database.

And grief.

Damian recognized the grief.

Alfred, too, nearly dropped his tray of fresh-baked cookies when he stepped in front of the monitor. His usual unflappable demeanor was momentarily broken at his father’s whispered “Sixteen years. Alfred— he’s sixteen years old.”

His father knew of the boy. He was allowed to know of Daniel when he was not allowed to know about Damian.

------

Grayson returned to the cave with a distinct lack of energy in his step. His mask dangled off the tips of his fingers, chin angled downwards and covered largely by his hand. For a split second, their eyes met. Grayson shifted his gaze away, scratching the back of his neck. Father told him, then. Damian wondered how much Father revealed to his favorite son.

Damian clucked his tongue and buried himself deeper into the chair, arms crossed and pointedly looking away. If it was not for his accursed ankle, he’d have headed out to the training ring to take his frustrations out on the dummies.

“Oh, thank god you’re here, Dickface. Damian’s completely out of it.”

Damian shot him a look. “Shut up, Todd.”

“Leave him alone, Jay. Is Tim back yet?”

Drake emerged from the changing room in a dark green shirt, a fresh cup of coffee in hand. He took one long sip before exhaling. “Yeah, I’m here.”

“O-kay…” He pressed his hands together, mouth thinned into a grim line. “Uh, hey Tim, glad to see you back safe. Bruce is coming down soon to explain some things.” He let out a deep sigh, carding a hand through his hair. “This kind of thing would probably be better with the girls around, but I—god, I don’t know.”

Todd raised an eyebrow. “Don’t know whether to call Steph and Cass in Hong Kong, or don’t know what’s going on?”

“Yes.”

------

When Father arrived, Pennyworth following dutifully behind him, it was with an aching slowness in his gait. His steps measured and precise, preternaturally quiet as he made his way to stand by Damian’s chair. Damian sat up straighter, shoulders squared and back an inch away from the backrest. The rest, even Todd, stood at attention; an ingrained habit among Robins and an amusing instinct even among the senior heroes of the Justice League when it came to facing the Batman.

His father kept a steady hand on Damian’s shoulder, and Damian, shamefully, leaned into the touch; his head inclined towards his father’s hand so much so that he could feel the ends of his hair being pushed up slightly as he brushed against his father’s forearm.

He spoke with his usual monotone, as if he was heading a Justice League meeting as opposed to unveiling the secrets surrounding that boy. He brought forward the few photos they obtained from the flash drive. “A few weeks ago, we were alerted of suspicious movement from the League of Shadows in Amity Park, Illinois. Their objectives are, as of now, unclear, though it appears to be tied to the death of Amity Park resident, Daniel Fenton.”

One photo was a standard ID picture people get for their driver’s license, the lighting deliberately horrible so that any attempt to look decent would always end in failure. Another photo was a little better; a candid scene of him chatting with two others his age, a Caucasian girl in gothic-style clothes and an African-American holding a sleek, but still very outdated PDA. His blue eyes crinkled at the corners, hand reaching up to his face to stifle a laugh. There were other photos like this, some candid, others posed. At the forefront of each, a boy that looked too much like his father, too much like Damian.

His father glanced at the photos. He shut his eyes and when he opened them again, he fixed them on some distant stalactite in the Cave. “Around six months ago, Daniel was pronounced dead in a vehicular accident. A body was present, but according to police reports, he was identified via his driver’s license as opposed to any kind of DNA profiling.” He leaned over Damian’s chair to pull up a profile of Masters. “Our source—Vladimir Masters, mayor of Amity and a friend of the Fenton family—indicated his belief that Daniel is actually alive. I am inclined to agree.”

“He’s your son, isn’t he,” Drake said, more of a statement than a question.

Father gave a curt nod. “I cannot say for certain until I can perform a DNA test, but I highly suspect that to be the case.”

“First the demon spawn, now this. Great.” Todd made a hand motion towards the screen. “You know, Bruce, not knowing you have a kid once might be a coincidence, but twice? How do you do that?”

“As of three hours ago, I was still under the impression that my son never made it to term.”

“What?”

“Over sixteen years ago I was involved in a mission that put Ra’s and I on the same side. During that time, Talia and I entered a relationship that resulted in a pregnancy. Though initially ecstatic, she eventually led me to believe she miscarried the child and pushed me away. For what ends, I do not know, but trust me Jason, if I knew—” He paused, the hand that was not on Damian’s shoulder curled into a tight fist.

Father pinched the bridge of his nose. “Why she hid it from me then doesn’t matter. Why Talia wants him back now is important. Judging from Daniel’s records, he was adopted into the Fenton family as an infant and has since lived a seemingly normal life as a civilian. His adoptive parents, Jack and Maddie Fenton, are brilliant scientists and engineers focused on the field of paranormal studies. Eccentricities aside, they have zero connections to the League of Assassins or any other concerning parties.”

“So why now?” Dick asked, shifting his concerned gaze from Bruce to the static picture of Danny’s tired smile. “Why, after all this time, decide that now would be the best time to recover him?”

------

Danny’s experienced plenty of rude awakenings before, but waking up at the ass-crack of dawn to avoid his kidnapper-slash-assassin-slash-biological-mom launching a surprise attack takes the fucking cake. He can’t believe he’s saying this, but thank god for all those late night ghost attacks that conditioned him to be a light sleeper. And, of course, the League’s insistence that everyone be in optimal condition regardless of how little sleep you actually got.

Danny kicked Talia off of him, ripping his blanket away before scrambling to his feet. Seriously, if the universe decided to spontaneously give him powers again, he’d really like an upgrade to his ghost senses, please and thank you. Something that works on humans and not just ghosts. Like spidey-senses. He’d really, really like some spidey-senses.

“Your reaction times have improved considerably,” Talia said.

He eyed the katana sheathed beside his bedroll. “Thanks. Who could have guessed that constantly challenging someone to a spar in the unholy hours of morning would make them paranoid to sleep too much? Really, how am I supposed to grow taller at this rate? ” If he could just get it--

She smiled, taking a step forward. “Prepare yourself.”

“Heh.” Danny stepped further away from Talia, keeping his back to the mouth of the cave. One hand stretched in front of him and the other, coated in a green light, was kept hidden behind his back. “Am I actually gonna get some answers today?”

“Let us make it interesting. Last 10 minutes against me and I shall tell you more about your brother.” Talia twirled her blade. “If you happen to draw blood, you may ask any one thing of me.”

“Anything?”

“Within reason.”

His face caught between a grimace and a smile. He’d rather be sleeping right now, but if he had to be awake, then he’d better make the most of it. “Deal.”

Talia’s smile dropped. She veered her body to the right, barely dodging the streak of bright green that whizzed from behind her. The ectoplasmic energy that surrounded the katana bled away as the handle connected with Danny’s outstretched hand.

She quickly glanced back at Danny’s bedding. Beside it lay an empty sheath. “You have telekinesis?”

He shrugged. “It comes and goes.” Yeah, no way was Danny gonna admit that seven-out-of-ten-times he forgot that he had telekinesis. Besides, that shit was hard to do when he wasn’t Phantom.

“A surprise attack from behind is a sound strategy, Daniel. Though it’ll take a lot more than that to harm me.”

Danny pointed to the side of his cheek. “Are you sure about that?”

Talia frowned. She reached up to her face. Her fingers brushed against her cheek and came away with a thin streak of blood.

Danny grinned, pointing his blade at his opponent. “First blood goes to me.”

------

Fact: most fights don’t last long. An average street fight could last anywhere between 25 to 40 seconds, and sword fights rarely last over a minute. Like Talia said, the goal of a fight was to end it with as few injuries to oneself as possible. Humans, even the most skilled ones, can rarely last long in a fight. Prolonged combat is suicide; it makes you tired, makes your muscles heavy. It’s nothing like what Hollywood would have you believe.

Even with Danny’s own enhanced stamina and Talia holding back, he couldn’t last a full ten-minute spar. If Talia didn’t finish him within twenty-five seconds, then he’d fall by his own human limitations.

But the goal wasn’t to spar continuously for ten minutes.

He only had to last that long.

Danny sprinted out of the cave. The sun barely peeked out of the horizon, a thin line of deep orange breaking apart the wide expanse of blue-black sky above. He couldn’t see shit; great news since that meant there’s a good chance Talia couldn’t either, but that doesn’t fix the fact that he can’t see.

Nearly stumbling on the ice, Danny veered to the left. The edges of the lake stopped at towering rocks twice Danny’s height, leaving little room for cover. Though if he remembered correctly, there should be a few crevices here and there to hide in.

“You’ll have to be faster than that, Daniel.”

Shit—

Danny stopped. He brought his sword up to parry Talia’s strike and twisted away, putting distance between them.

Well, so much for just avoiding her for 10 minutes.

He adjusted his grip, keeping his sword steady and eyes trained on Talia as they circled each other. Danny lunged with an overhead strike. Talia used one hand to block the downswing by gripping his wrists. She thrust her sword forward, the tip harshly poking Danny’s abdomen.

“Less than three minutes.” Talia let his wrist go, Danny’s arms slumping to his sides.

He sighed as he sheathed his sword. “Damn, I thought I’d last longer than that.”

“You made a good effort,” Talia assured him. “Putting as much distance between us at the beginning was a good strategy. You recognized the win conditions immediately and attempted a battle of attrition.” She placed a hand on his shoulder. “I am very proud of you habibi, especially as you managed to draw first blood.”

A warmth grew in Danny’s stomach at the words, heating his cheeks. Sheepishly, he scratched the back of his head. “I wasn’t entirely sure that would work, honestly.”

“It was clever; half a second later and you might have even killed me. You are an al Ghul through and through” She brushed his hair out of his face. “What would you like as your prize, then?”

Danny’s heart clenched. He frowned, dropping his arm to his side. If I was such an al Ghul, then why didn’t you keep me? The question lodged itself in his throat, stifling his thoughts. It was something he’d been wondering for a while, actually, in the moments of solitude he had at the compound. Talia, during their training, would always remark at his potential. How talented he was, how adaptable he was, how much greater he would have been if he had been trained at a younger age.

Well then, why wasn’t he? Why did she give him up?

But each time he tried to ask, his tongue would turn to lead and the moment would pass, the question still left unsaid and simmering at the back of his mind. A Pandora’s Box that held none of the world’s evil but all of Danny’s possible shortcomings.

He could ask the question now.

He could.

He didn’t.

“Why did you take me?”

Talia tilted her head. “It is because you’re my son.”

“No. Not that. It has to be something more than that. You had sixteen years to come back for me—or, hell, you could have just never left me.” His breath hitched, fingers mussing his hair and hiding his eyes. “Why else did you take me?”

“It is true that there was more than one reason why we decided to retrieve you from Amity Park. One of which is because you are my son and an heir of the Demon’s Head.” Talia stilled. The dark skies of dawn made it impossible for him to read her. “The second reason was to protect you.”

“You kidnapped me…to protect me?”

“Knowledge of the ghosts of Amity have spread through the more insidious parts of the world. There are many out there who would pay exorbitant fees to study one of you or to use you.”

Use him? What did she mean by—

Oh.

Ghosts—Amity Park’s brand of ghosts—were a new element that the world had to contend with. Amity Park might have a crime rate of zero but that wasn’t the case everywhere else. Theft, assault, murder; the world was rampant with crimes and criminals clawing their way to the very top. Having ghosts, even ones with the most basic powerset, would be a huge advantage.

“There’s no way that would work,” Danny insisted. “Most ghosts just want to be left alone, and the ones that want to wreak havoc would never work with humans. The only reason they even work with halfas like me at times is because they still consider us as ghosts.”

“If my sources are to be believed, ghosts might not even get a choice.”

Danny’s blood curdled in his veins.

No.

Someone’s found a way to control ghosts.

[kweebtrash]

Do It Well (M)

Messy Ch. 3

Pairing(s): OC X Johnny (features other members)

Genre: College AU, Fuckboy AU

Summary: Fuckboys are basically good for one thing. You hit it and quit it- except when his voice draws you in, his body keeps you there, and dumb ass feelings linger making things particularly messy.

Warnings: light mentions of BDSM, light mentions of night terrors

Features: several POV changes, masturbation, disappointing sex, sleepy sex, thigh grinding, fingering, lots of kissing, mentions of anal, mentions of bondage

Word Count: around 13k

A/N: ‘they’ and ‘she’ are used interchangeably on purpose. ‘Johnathan’ is Johnny’s contact name in Eri’s phone when she doesn’t particularly care about him lol. 

Messy Masterlist Buy me a Ko-Fi  Other Stories

Johnny's POV

I could barely sleep. My body insisted on tossing and turning indecisively. Each turn made my head spin and for awhile i just laid in the darkness, feeling the pulsating in my ears. The temperature in my room was fluctuating on my skin and my stomach was starting to churn into a pit of nausea. I set my hands over my eyes and tried to relax. I was clinging onto the fact that maybe her voice had brought me out of my night terror. Nothing ever freed me from them and I spent countless nights just scratching and clawing my way out all on my own. Calling her had been a mistake; just a weird accident. The problem was actually trying to convince myself of that fact. My heart raced at the prospect of her being some unhealthy cure for me to rely on.

I sat up slowly, pushing my hair back and feeling how sweat drenched it was. My bangs were getting long and had stuck to my forehead, the simple sensation making my sensitive skin crawl. Though my entire being felt heavy I managed to heave myself off the bed and head out to the kitchen. I walked through the still darkness of the apartment trying desperately not to run into anything. I felt my way to the fridge, opening the door and letting the light illuminate my still naked frame. With the water pitcher and cup in hand i guzzled down two full glasses. I set the cup down and braced myself against the counter, trying to focus on getting it together. I glanced at the time on the microwave- 6:13 am. I had to be up for work at 7 and had gotten less than 5 hours of sleep. I rubbed my temples and kicked the fridge door shut before heading back to my room.

I collapsed onto my mattress, my limbs spread out as i begged for a heavier breeze to filter through my open window. It was useless to attempt sleep now. I felt around for my phone, finding it still beside my pillow. I scrolled through the backlog of messages from the group chat until I stumbled upon the picture that Yuta had posted. When he initially sent it, i tried my best to pay no attention to it. I wasn't one for taking pictures of the people I hooked up with. Too many things could go wrong like a haphazard revenge plot. Knowing all the chicks i pissed off my dick would be plastered all over the internet if i had taken nudes. For some reason though, Yuta's photo gave off an air of nonconsent. I didn’t know for sure but it wasn’t something I was down with. Maybe Eri liked the attention or posing like that. I mean she liked just about everything else anyway. I bit my lip as i started to focus more and more on the picture. The deep violet ropes were tied into intricate patterns on her thighs and calves. Her knees were practically pushed up to ears, putting her on display. Her perfect lips were wrapped around that gag and her eyes were invisible under a blindfold.

I swallowed hard as i felt a twitch between my thighs. The camera flash had caught the glistening of her lips and accented the thick dildo stuffed inside her. Already my mind was creating flashes of fantasies and i was suddenly watching her hips squirm. I could practically hear the soft mewls and sighs she was trying to make around that gag. I wasn’t one for all that kinky shit but I’d be damned if I would give up the opportunity to fuck her like that. My right hand drifted to my stomach, my fingertips getting dangerously close to my cock. The longer I stared at the picture the harder I was becoming.

I guess it wasn't so wrong. I mean, we had fucked twice now. I knew what she looked like naked. This was like the equivalent of looking at dirty magazines like how I did when I was younger. I exhaled softly and tossed my phone beside me. The picture was already burned into my skull and the only thing i saw when my eyes were closed. I shifted a bit, settling into the mattress, as I spread my thighs and wrapped my hand around myself. The first few strokes helped fill my palm completely. I would squeeze around my head every so often before sliding back down to my base. I was imagining how deep I could be inside her, how warm and tight she would feel beneath me. The sweet smell of her perfume would fill my nostrils as I buried my face in her neck, covering her skin with rough bites. My teeth marks always looked perfect, as if they belonged on her. She would probably have something sarcastic to say at some point and I would have to shut her up with a deep kiss. The way she submitted to my tongue and let me control everything about our kisses made my entire body shudder.

I pulled my hand up to my mouth then, licking from the bottom of my palm to the tips of my fingers to add a bit of wetness to my strokes. They flowed smoother against my heated veins prompting me to spread my thighs further apart. I fisted my hand around my head trying to mimic the feeling of her muscles clenching around me. My teeth were digging into my bottom lip, the back of my head burying into my pillow as i started pushing my hips upward to meet my hand. Her name was popping up in between flashes of that picture. I barely noticed that i had actually been whispering it until I heard it mixed with a heavy groan.

Was i actually doing that? I was always too shy to make any sounds higher than a sigh but what the fuck was i doing moaning this loud? I covered my mouth quickly hoping to all hell that Jae couldn't hear me jacking off from the other side of the thin wall separating our rooms. It was bad enough that my hand was slapping against my skin as i jerked myself harder. I stilled my movements for a second, making sure that I couldn’t hear him stirring. It gave me a few moments to collect myself though I knew I was already close. Eri just had an affect on me that I despised and craved in every way. When I deemed the coast clear, i resumed my rough pulls, rolling my hips until they lifted off the mattress. I dug my toes into the bedding, keeping my feet firm as I fucked up into my hand. Fuck...just a little more. A little bit more of my cock falling deeper inside Eri. A little bit more of the way her tits bounced with every thrust. A little bit more of those lust filled gazes that begged me to make her cum. Make me cum, Johnny. Please make me cum. Pl-please…

My free hand flew to my hair grabbing it hard as thick ropes of cum painted my stomach in hot spurts. I left go of my shaft and squeezed at my balls, milking every last bit I had. My thighs were trembling just a bit as I worked to straighten out my cramped legs. There was a slight burn in my calf muscles and I flexed my toes trying to get the blood to circulate again instead of being pooled at my dick. I finally opened my eyes and exhaled deeply.

Jesus…

My cum was already starting to settle into a stickiness that i hated. Now was as good a time as ever to get up and shower. Getting out of bed was becoming a nuisance and i was getting real fucking tired of having to be a functioning adult. But who knows, maybe I'd get to work on time and actually be able to eat a breakfast sandwich and drink some coffee.

I grumbled as i got up and made my way to bathroom, trying not to slam the door shut. I turned on the faucet and put the shower on blast before stepping in. I shoved my head under the boiling spray as if it would somehow wash away all the dirty thoughts i just had about Eri.

--

Eri’s POV

Wyd?

Johnny's infamous line- which was code for ‘do you want to fuck?’- flashed across the bottom of a new snapchat picture he had sent me. His hand was behind his head as he reclined back in his bed, shirtless. The angle of the picture seemed to be high up and if i squinted hard enough I could see a faint mark on his ribcage. Was that a bite mark or a hickey? I stared at the unending picture as he didn't bother to set a timer for it, scrutinizing the details as I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off.

“You alright in there?” I heard Ten say from outside of the bathroom door.

I jumped up at his sudden voice. “Yeah, yeah. I’m fine!” Damn Ten for interrupting my investigation. My eyes retreated to the picture, traveling down Johnny’s abs to that diabolical happy tail that never failed to make my thighs clench. That was when I saw it. Just at the edge of the screen there was a flash of blonde hair while gaudy sparkling pink nails rested on his hip. Had he really just asked me to fuck while another chick was still laid up in his bed? What the hell was wrong with him?

“What a fuckin’ cuckwad! Ugh, i HATE him!”

Ten poked his head in. “Uh….you alright?”

I resisted the urge to throw my phone at him. It wasn’t Ten’s fault that Johnny was a disgusting pig but I just couldn’t help the rage I felt boiling under my skin. “Nothing, I’m fine.” I lied as I got up from the toilet and grabbed my shorts from the floor.

“Did you uh...have trouble getting the plug in our something?” He followed after me quickly and I flopped onto the bed face down, taking caution not to disturb the plug he had coerced into wiggling inside me.

“No, i got it in fine.”

“You seemed pissed off…”

“I’m not.”

He eased his lithe body on top of me, placing soft kisses to my cheek and neck. “Kitten, don’t lie to me. Would me fucking you senseless help with your aggression?”

I rolled my eyes at his half sarcastic statement. “No. I just…” I didn't want to say that I was angry that Johnny had snapped me while he was with one of his stupid chickenheads. Wasn't it written somewhere in the fuckboy rule book to keep your tricks separate from one another anyway? I wasn't jealous of course. Just disgusted by his stupidity and carelessness. Quinn was far from right. I wasn't getting soft, especially not over this prick. “Nevermind. I'm fine.” I sighed and stared at the now empty notification box beside his username.

“Johnny got you fucked up?”

I almost slammed my head into Ten's at his salacious quip. “Excuse me?!”

“Well you're staring at his snapchat like it's going to kill you. What did he do now?”

“Nothing. I don't care about him or whatever he sent me.” I set my head down onto the mattress and tried to convince myself that I was unbothered by it all. Ten snatched my phone out of my hand and opened the in app camera.

“Since when have you ever been a pouty baby over some dick? C'mere.” He forced my head up again and attacked my lips with a deep and invading kiss. I couldnt help the small whimper I made as i clutched at his shoulder, trying to keep up with his sudden forcefulness. When he pulled away, a smirk was on his lips while I was still trying to catch my breath.

“What was that..?” I panted softly.

“Now Johnny can see just how busy you are and leave us the fuck alone. You're mine tonight and you know that.” He quickly typed something on my phone before handing it back to me. “Now he knows too.”

“What did you do, you little shit?” I questioned.

“Oh nothing… but if I'm not mistaken you're not supposed to be able to talk.”

Before i knew it he had removed himself from on top of me and tossed me on my back. My legs spread open easily as he looked down at me. His hands ran over my thighs and I could tell that behind those devilish eyes he was plotting something. I was going to be at his mercy. I worked tomorrow and needed to keep the marks to a minimum so I wouldn't be able to be my normal bratty self and put up a good struggle. Even though I hated being completely obedient i kept my mouth shut and only watched in curiosity. Ten slid off the bed, commanding me not to move, while he retreated to his closet. I heard the jingle of buckles and the hard snap of leather. I swallowed hard and took a deep breath before Ten trapped my wrists within the confines of the leather cuffs. He hooked them onto his headboard, making sure that I wouldn’t try and squirm away.

“You ready?”

--

Johnny's POV

Busy. Tch.

Busy.

I dont know why that stupid video annoyed me. I could give a rat's ass about her being gross with Ten but she didnt have to send it to me. It was bad enough that she was blowing me off to do whatever kinky shit they did. What the hell could he do that I couldn't? Tie her up or some shit? Please, that was hardly enough skill to make anyone cum. I grit my teeth and tossed my phone to the floor not wanting to think about her bullshit.

“What are you doing looking at your phone when I'm here?” Her voice was like nails on a chalkboard and I had regretted ever inviting this chick to my place. It was a spur of the moment thing. I guess someone who i had hooked up with a while ago was friends with her and she managed to find me on instagram. She was close by and i wanted to use her to get my mind off Eri. That took a turn for the worse. I had fingered her and she blew me. I came but it was far from orgasmic or spectacular. It was mediocre at best and my body seemed to have just gone through the standard reactions to get her to believe that she had made me feel good. Hell, I couldn't even remember her name. While we were in our rest period, I started to think about how much better Eri felt, against my better judgement. Our sex was on a whole other level and I knew she would be able to get me off better than this bimbo ever could. That was when I bit the bullet and snapped her. I guess it just didn't cross my mind that it was already Thursday and she had her little “date” with Ten.

Now, whatever the fuck her name was, was whining and trying to coax my attention back to her. She was practically begging me to fuck her in the most unappealing way. I tried my best to hide my eye roll and fake a smile all while avoiding her kisses. I wasn't in the mood for that...intimacy. Especially not with someone who I didnt think deserved it and probably slobbered like a dog. I guided my fucktoy's head instead to my neck, making up an excuse about how good her kisses felt elsewhere. I didn't want to fuck her, not one bit, but this annoyance and anger wouldn't get out of my head. I didn't care about making her feel good. I didn't care about touching her and I sure as hell didn't care if I made her cum. I just needed to fuck the irritation away.

It was 0 to 100 in seconds flat. I threw a condom on and went full force, balls deep inside her, angrily staring at the wall as every single last nerve in my body was worked. I could feel the vein in my neck throbbing as my teeth clenched again. I was slamming into her faster as I glared at the cracks and patterns in the drywall. They were morphing into weird shapes and making my eyes blur. I blinked a few times, trying to refocus but her voice was piercing through my eardrums. Great, a screamer. There was nothing I hated more than screamers. The grating sound just triggered something in the back of my mind that made me want to snap. I wasn't doing anything special at all yet she was screaming like it was the best dick she'd ever had. Maybe it was, or maybe she was faking it. Either way, it didn't matter. But now i had to try not to think about Eri and block out the annoying sounds.

I pressed her face into the surrounding pillows, hoping to muffle her enough that I could cum in peace. My fingers were digging into the back of her neck and her left hip as I focused my thrusts to go as deep as possible. My knees were already starting to give way a bit from having her bent over and ramming her from behind so hard so i was wishing for a swift ending. I closed my eyes for a moment and tried to zero in on the feeling of her wrapped around me but even then it was starting to feel like my skin was crawling. I tried to mask my sigh as a deep breath and not let it be known that Ms. Instagram Hookup was giving me a splitting headache. I edged my ear down to my shoulder, hearing the quick snap of the vertebrae in my neck as I tried to shake it off. I was boring daggers into the back of her skull now as she gripped the pillow and twisted it in her fists, her screams still vibrant as ever.

If only she was…

If only she had soft quiet moans that she tried to hide behind her pillowy soft lips. If only her skin felt like silk whenever it ghosted over mine. If only her nails dug into my back as she held onto me for dear life as she got closer and closer to her orgasm. If only i could trace her tattoos with my tongue and bite down on that little sensitive area by her-

Nonononono. I couldn't think about her. Not now. This couldn't happen, not when i was trying to-. Goddammit...it was useless. I could already feel myself swelling just at the prospect of Eri replacing this idiot. Why did Eri have to feel so fucking good? She was infecting my brain like a parasite and I wanted her out asap. I hated it. But god, i needed her. I kept thinking about her until this blonde dissolved into the new image of sensuality and lust i craved. My mind roamed to this morning when I saw that picture of her and made myself cum so hard that my thighs shook. I replayed her sweet shy voice saying what I desperately wanted to hear. Make me cum, Johnny. Please make me cum. Pl-please…

“Fuck, Eri…” I breathed out as my entire body shuddered and my orgasm hit me suddenly. Warmth spilled all over my cock as i rode out every last bit that I could, never wanting to let go of that feeling of cumming so deep inside her. She would reopen those scratches she left behind Monday afternoon and clamp down on me so tight that my breath would disappear. I felt a smirk cross my lips as I finally opened my eyes. Eri was gone now that the reality hit me and I was faced with my current nightmare. I could tell by the way her pale skin was turning tomato read that she was pissed off. Had I really just said Eri’s name out loud? I kicked myself internally as she shoved me off her and i fell back onto the bed.

“What the fuck did you just call me?”

--

Eri’s POV

“Are you okay?” Quinn asked as I stumbled into the apartment. It was almost 2am and my body was threatening to give out on me.

“Yeah, yeah. Just...the usual shit with Ten.” I kicked off my converses and went over to the kitchen to see what I could snack on. I needed something to give me some semblance of energy.

“What did he do this time?” They said in between crunches to some chips.

“What didn’t he do is always the better question. My thighs and ass are all marked up and bruised from him spanking me and hitting me the the leather paddle. There are bite marks on my hips and they hurt really fucking bad. My clit feels like it’s gonna fall off from all the vibrations and my ass is so sore from him plowing into it.” I found a solitary granola bar in the cabinet and ripped open the wrapper before stuffing half of it into my mouth. “He was trying to not give me any visible marks but that’s like asking a kid to say they don’t want candy.”

“Why do you do this to yourself? Every single time you come home exhausted and complaining. Maybe you should just try having regular sex.”

“I do have regular sex! I literally have regular sex with everyone else, that’s why I don’t do it with Ten or Yuta. Besides, I may complain about it but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t feel good.” I shuffled over to the couch and laid down, setting my head on their chest. “Pet my hair and tell me I’m not an idiot for doing this.”

“I’ll pet your hair but I’m not too sure about the last part.” They chuckled. I sighed softly as their fingers scratched at my scalp ever so slightly. My eyes were just starting to close when they mentioned that name that I was trying to forget about. “Have you heard anything from Johnny?”

I sat up straight. “Let me fuckin’ tell you what this bitch ass fuck boy sack of shit did to me!”

“OOOOOHHH fuck, what’s the teaaaaaa? I’m ready, lay it on me!”

“I was over at Ten’s, obvi, and he sent me a snap asking me his typical w-y-d.”

“So basically, do you want to fuck?” They said.

“Yes! But get this- he had another girl laid up in his bed when he sent me the snap.” I was almost screaming at this point, the vengefulness returning in a sudden burst.

“Wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight. He asked you if you wanted to fuck, after he had fucked some other chick and was still laying in bed with her?”

“YUP.”

“Wow...that’s...you know we should honestly expect the absolute worst from him since he’s literally a fuck boy but it’s still pretty shitty. Especially that he wanted to fuck you after he was done with her. At least take a shower or something.” They sighed. “Are you gonna get with him again though?”

“God, no. He’s a tool and I literally have a bunch of other people I can be with. He can kick rocks.”

“Oh...good.”

There was an air of silence between us which made me uneasy. “Why do you ask?”

They shrugged, quickly. “I mean, not really a particular reason. I’ve just been kinda screwing around with Jae more so I didn’t want it to be too weird since they’re roommates and all and I may invite him over. His room is a disgusting dumpster fire and I hate being in there with him.”

“Oh. No, yeah, that’s totally fine. I don’t care about that. I thought you were going to say you were going to try and get with Johnny or something.”

“I mean...it wouldn’t particularly matter because you guys were never together and only fucked twice. It wouldn’t make sense for you to be upset about it. If it was to happen I mean- all hypothetical and shit. But I’m a good friend and he’s gross so I’ll just stick to Lucas, Jae, Taeyong, Yuta, Taeil, and any other ones I happen to find along the way.”

“Wait a minute. Taeil? As in hot library, red undercut, ‘I spent all that time chilling with him at the party’ Taeil?” I asked. There was a bit of venom in my voice as this was just about to add another layer of irritation to my already peaking anger.

“Yeah, him! I went to the library because I actually needed some help but then we got to talking and stuff and it just kinda happened. It was so cute because he was a virgin and he had been so shy when I was flirting with him. He’s also really good at giving head. Like obnoxiously good for a virgin.”

“Well I guess that’s one more person I can say that I wanted to get with but you got to him first.” I rolled my eyes and got up slowly from the couch. “I’m gonna go to bed now.”

“Aww, Eri, you can still have him! You don’t like virgins anyway. Remember what happened with-”

“Yes.” I snapped. “I remember. It’s fine. I actually need help for my class so I will ask him to help me study. You know, real study so I can actually pass.”

I saw the pout on Quinn’s face and would almost feel bad about my wisecrack if it wasn’t for the fact that this always happened. It wasn’t my fault that all they did was laze around and barely go to their classes because they couldn’t figure out what they wanted to do with their life. I didn’t even try to disguise my eyeroll and instead retreated to my room, shutting the door tightly behind me. Fridays were my off days from classes and I didn’t have to go into work early. I could use the day to recover and I would be back in time before the radio show. The radio show…

I frowned just at the thought of hearing Johnny’s voice coming through the speakers. I wouldn’t listen to it tomorrow. No way in hell. I was going to block out every possible trace of him. I tossed off my clothes and pulled on an oversized shirt and some shorts before burrowing under my comforter. I wanted to be a silent burrito that could disappear under the safety of my blanket and never resurface. I closed my eyes and curled up into my usual fetal position, ready to settle into sleep when I heard my phone vibrate. I had tossed it onto the bed while I changed and it was buzzing beside my head now. I sighed and pulled it close to me, annoyed at the brightness of the screen. I had thought it would be Ten, telling me that I had forgotten something at his place but instead it was a text message from the last person i wanted to have contact with.

Johnathan: had fun with ten?

I shoved my face into my pillow and screamed. I wanted to throw my phone across the room but all i could do was think about a dozen or so things I wanted to say back to him. It to burn, to sting, and piss him off as much as he pissed me off. I decided to snap a quick picture of the bite marks that trailed up my thighs towards my hips. I sent it off with a retort;

Oh tons. Way better than what you probably had with malibu barbie

A few minutes passed by without a response and I thought I had gotten rid of him until my phone lit up again.

Johnathan: what?

Johnathan: who’s malibu barbie?

I rolled my eyes and turned onto my left side to try and ease the pressure on my bites.

The blonde chick you forgot to cut out of your snap. I saw her. Dont particularly like being a booty call after you’ve fucked someone else.

Johnathan: Oh...

Johnathan: that’s why i wanted you to come over

Johnathan: but fuck me i guess

Johnanthan: or not lol

You’re literally a fuckin’ douche, you know that?

Johnathan: eh so i’ve been told.

Johnathan: but like what’s the big deal anyway? You fuck a bunch of people too

Yah but i’m not an asshole about it

Johnathan: that video begs to differ. You think i wanted to see ten shoving his tongue down ur throat?

He took my phone, i didn’t even know he was recording

Johnathan: still gross

Johnathan: but whatever

Johnathan: i’ve got other people to fuck

So do i asshole.

Johnathan: cool

Johnathan: see ya

I flipped my phone over making sure that i could ignore the light from the screen. Nothing came from that conversation except him proving that I didn’t want anything to do with him. I pulled my comforter to my neck and could already feel the tension headache mounting. I was fine with never talking to him again. He dug that hole for himself. Maybe i would still go after Taeil. If he really was as good at head as Quinn had made him out to be he was already a thousand times better than Johnny in my book.

--

Johnny's POV

It had been close to two weeks since that fiasco where I said Eri’s name when I was in bed with that other girl. I hadn’t told anyone about it and I hoped to all hell that she hadn’t said anything either. College chicks were notorious for talking shit behind everyone’s back. Last thing I needed was word to get out and it ruining my reputation of the “hit it and quit it” king. I would never hear the end of it from the group chat.

It had also been two weeks since Eri and I’s final conversation. There wasn’t a single text or snap exchanged between us. We barely even acknowledged each other during class. I sat as far away from her as possible and she always left the second the professor let us out. I didn’t bother to try and reach out to her either. Maybe it was just better this way. The further away from her I was the better. My body felt like it was going through the ringer anyway- alternating between going to the gym, my three jobs, and school- i was hardly getting any sleep. My classes were blasting me with projects left and right, I had to make more promotions for the club I Dj’d at on top of performing there, Jae and I had to constantly make up new material for our radio show, my bartending job wanted me to work weekdays now, and what’s worse was I hadn’t even had time for any hookups. My bed had been barren even though I had gotten plenty of offers. Dozens of messages were left on read and I was almost starting to think I’d never get any ass with how busy I was. I couldn't catch a break.

I had a closing shift today and halfway into the afternoon rush I was ready to book it. My shoulders were already killing me and my feet were throbbing in my work boots. Only 5 more hours to go. I sighed softly as I set down the frappuccino on the counter, calling out the customer's name before heading back to the register to take care of the next one. “What can i get you?” I hadn’t really bothered to look up as I was used to customers just blurting out their orders as soon as they got to the counter. When that didn’t happened I glanced up over the rim of my glasses and wanted to scream.

“Shit.”

“Fuck.”

“What are you doing here?” I spat.

“I guess I can’t go anywhere around this town without seeing your ass around.” She replied.

“It could possibly be because we go to the same college, have the same class, and now you’re in the damn coffee shop I work at.”

“I can’t get a coffee now, either?”

“You can get it and leave.”

“Well that’s no way to talk to a customer. Maybe I should speak to your manager.” Eri smirked as she glared up at me.

Just my fucking luck. Of course she would show up right when I was starting to finally ignore all the little intrusive thoughts about her. I had been doing okay the last week or so. My glances towards her in class were winding down to a minimum and I could at least jack off without thinking about her now. I was starting not to care entirely and she had to invade my world yet again. I sighed and fixed the frames on my face. She was just another annoying customer that was ready to push all my buttons. “Seriously, what do you want? To order I mean.” I said flatly.

She glanced up at the menu, drumming her fingers against her chin and taking her sweet ass time pretending to think her options over. I rolled my eyes before surveying her outfit choice. She looked dressed up for something which was strange to see. I had been so used to her grungy ‘never got over my scene phase' attire that it caught me off guard. She had on a black button up shirt and tight dress pants that looked like they could barely hold in her thick thighs. I settled on her thighs way too long, thinking back to the night when all i could do was imagine how good Eri would feel instead of the girl I was fucking. I internally cursed at myself. Thinking of that shit was the last thing I needed right now. Maybe it was my lack of fucking that made my brain start to devote my entire thought process to her. I wanted my hands fisted around her wrists as I fucked into her so hard that she wrapped her legs around my waist. I wanted to make her moan my name into my ear as we came hard together. My mouth was starting to go dry a bit as I swam through an ocean of lust in my head. I had barely heard her order.

“H-huh?” I blinked a few times as i stopped spacing out.

“I said a vanilla chai latte with two pumps of cinnamon” She repeated. “Please.” She enunciated the last word with such passive aggressive sweetness. What a little shit.

“Oh, right. Uh...what size?”

“Hmm...” She bit on her thumbnail coyly. She was lucky there wasn't anyone behind her. She was taking her sweet ass time and i wanted to know why.

“You know i dont have all day.” I managed to finally spit out.

“Fuck off, I’m just trying to figure out how much i need to get me through work. I'll take a grande though.”

I nodded and rang her up, drumming my fingers on the counter as she dug through her purse. She was pulling out singles haphazardly, scrounging for loose change here and there. Just to annoy her i tapped the tip jar on the counter beside me. Her eyes went wide and her cheeks flushed a little. “How about i tip you…later?”

“Ohhh so now you want to be on my dick. Hate to break it to you but pussy doesnt pay rent, babe.” I scoffed. She looked a little defeated and buried her face back in her purse in search of her change. I rolled my eyes. “Any day now.”

“S-sorry.” Her voice seemed timid now as she pushed the contents of her purse back inside. “Cancel that order.”

I raised an eyebrow at her wondering about her sudden change of heart. “Why?” I asked.

“Uh...just...I guess I didn’t have as much time as I thought. I should get going.”

That was when I realized that she didn’t have enough money. Her face was coated in embarrassment and she was fumbling over everything. It was interesting to see her so flustered to say the least. I did kind of feel bad though. Working in this shit town never paid enough to survive, even if it was just for a simple cup of coffee. I fixed my snapback and adjusted my glasses, trying to be as nonchalant as possible. “If you still want it I can use it as my free drink today. If you have enough time, that is.”

“What? No...you dont-” i had no idea why her stumbling over her words was started to appear as cute to me.

“Chill, it's whatever. Don’t worry about it. You got time for it or what?”

She nodded meekly and I grabbed a grande cup off the top of the stack beside me. I took the sharpie i had tucked behind my ear and scribbled her name on it. I went to work making her drink, seeing her drop the sparse amount of singles she had in the tip jar out of the corner of my eye. I wanted to take back what i said before about the tips. I shouldn't have teased her about it. I looked down at my watch as i capped her drink, realizing it was time for my break. I set it down on the counter and called out to her. “Hey, you got ten minutes you can kill?”

She walked over and grabbed her drink carefully. “Yeah, i uh… don’t actually have to be at work for another half hour.”

I gave her a small smile, trying to reassure her. “It’s ok. Just wait for me.”

She nodded and retreated to a table in the far back of the cafe, away from everyone in her typical emo fashion. I told my coworker i was going on break before heading out to sit across from Eri.

“Sorry about the-” she started.

I waved her off. “We all know what it's like to be broke, right? Shit sucks.”

“I meant about the tip thing...i-i mean i'm a waitress so i know how it is. I felt so bad.”

“Oh so that's why you're all dressed up.”

She chuckled lightly. “Yeah, if you want to call it that. This is the before, the after aint so pretty.” She took a small sip of her latte before setting it between us. I set my arms on the table and leaned in a bit mulling over if i should ask her to hook up tonight. I wasn't exactly sure if she was still mad at me. I had gotten over the stupid shit with the video for the most part. Ten had always been an asshole and i'm sure it was secretly part of some revenge plot he had against me because i wouldn't sleep with him. I still wished she had been with me that night though.

“Where do you work at?” i asked.

“Italian restaurant. I come home smelling like garlic bread and overpriced wine.”

“Sexy.” I smiled a bit and traced the plastic rim of the coffee cup with my index finger. “But now you can trade me pasta for coffee, right?”

“Maybe. You might have to fight Quinn for the pasta though. They always like to eat my leftovers.”

“I could probably do a little extra convincing to get you to cough it up.” Our legs brushed against one another under the table and i watched as her teeth nibbled at her bottom lip gently. The warm rosy tone on her lips accentuated the fullness of them and i was half tempted to pull her into my lap and kiss her hard. My self control seemed to be leaving my body faster than i wanted it too. My nerves were already electric at the slightest touch of her fingers across the back of my hand. The warmth of the latte and her tender caresses was making me shiver. Her fingers were following the length of mine now, drawing light designs into my skin. I uncurled my fingers from the cup, entranced by the way she moved to follow the lines of my palm. “What are you doing?” i almost whispered. My throat felt like it was starting to close up.

“Nothing, really…” Her deep brown eyes flickered up to me reflecting that she had something else on her mind. She cocked her head to the side and chewed harder on her bottom lip. “I haven’t really seen you around much. Even in class it seems like you’re gone before I even sit down.”

“I could say the same about you.” I adjusted myself in the hard seat, trying to will myself to pull my hand away. Her gentle touches and the way her leg kept nudging against mine had me feeling some type of way. I needed to calm down. “But after our last conversation I guess I just thought you wanted nothing to do with me.”

“That’s for damn sure. You’re still a pig.”

“But…?”

She sighed. “But i just...i mean like...a lot of shit has been going on with my life and I haven’t had a break.”

“A break? You have half of Asia in your bed and you cant catch a “break”?” I scoffed and rolled my eyes. “Seems unlikely.”

“I do not have half of Asia in my bed, shut up!” She shoved at my shoulder.

“Are you just going down the line and checking each country off? Like a yellow fever bucket list?”

“Oh my fuckin’ god. It is not like that at all! Ya’ll just happen to like all hang out together and it just like...happened, ok?! I get with other people. All kinds of people. Disappointing people even.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m sure that’s exactly how it happened.” I stole a quick sip of her latte. “Who disappointed you?”

Eri waved me off and tapped my hand so i could let go of the cup. I didn’t let it go. “No one you know. A random guy. He was wack. Like...really wack. He had the audacity to ask me if I came and I was like ‘yeah to my fucking senses’.”

“Fuck!” I almost choked on another sip of the latte. “Did you seriously say that to him?!”

“Uh, yeah! He was basically using me as a human fleshlight which made no sense. I can’t believe i’m telling you this. All it’s gonna do is inflate your ego.”

“Wow, rude. It’s not inflating my ego. But I will soothe yours. “Malibu Barbie” wasn’t that great either. I honestly have never wanted to bolt so fast out of there.” I didn’t dare speak of how much i thought about her instead.

“So if i’ve had a shitty hookup and you’ve had a shitty hookup, why aren’t we hooking up?”

“Oh my god, because you were being a dick about the whole snap thing!” I protested.

“That’s because you were an asshole who sent a gross ass picture and had an ever more gross response.”

“Oh yeah? What about the video of Ten’s tongue down your throat?”

“I didn’t even send it! He did!” She pouted and crossed her arms in front of her chest. “Whatever, let’s just call it fucking even.”

“Sounds like you’re desperate for dick.” She opened her mouth to say something then snapped it shut quickly. I tried to hide my laughter but it felt so good to beat her at her own game.

“I am not desperate for dick, ok? I just figured if you wanted to we could…besides it sounds like your track record hasn’t been that great either.”

“There hasn’t been a track record for like two weeks actually. Life’s just...kicking my ass I guess. A lot of shit to do and not enough time to fuck.”

“I don’t believe that one bit, Johnny.  You always find time to fuck.” she laughed and set her hand under her chin. “Anyway it would be nice to just have a regular kind of fling, you know? With someone who’s not a big cuddly baby or wants me to be tied up and tortured for hours.”

“Wow, I’m shocked. You don’t want to be tortured? Are you feeling ok? Sure you don’t have a fever?” I set my hand on her forehead pretending to feel her temperature.

“Oh shut up! You sound worse then Quinn.” She laughed. “I’ve just been so tired lately. Sometimes I just want something simple that feels good but it’s been a little hard to find someone who can do it and do it well.”

“Hmm, well when you find someone let me know. It sounds great.” I chuckled a bit, being a glutton for punishment and wanting to see her smile some more.

“Jerk.” Eri kicked my leg playfully. “All i’m saying is...i mean...If you're not too tired-”

“Yes.” I said a little too fast for my liking.

There it was- her smile. Soft, a little shy, and charming in a way that you’d never expect from her. “You can come to my place this time. I usually get home around 10:30.”

“Yeah, same here. Text me your address?”

She nodded and chewed at her lip again, just for a second or two, a habit that was beginning to drive me to insanity. She seemed to do it every time she was hesitating, preparing to do or say something that was going to send my mind into vivid dreams about never leaving her bed. Now I could only concentrate on my desire for her lips. I wanted them on mine, on my neck, on my cock, everywhere. She seemed to have other plans though. She bought my fingertips to her lips, pressing tender kisses against each one. I wanted to pull my hand away again, especially before someone noticed, but the way her warm lips felt on my skin had me on edge. “E-Eri?” I panicked.

She shrugged nonchalantly. “Just remembering how good these felt down my throat is all.”

My eyes went wide. I cant believe she had actually said that. “You’re fucking ridiculous, you know that right?” I laughed a bit, trying to ignore the way my cock was twitching in my jeans. I sat up a little straighter in the chair, not wanting to get a damn chub at work.

“Why? Because you were thinking the same thing?”

“Ah...um…” My mouth wasn't getting those snappy comebacks out quick enough now. “Shut up.” It was the only thing I could come up with as a retort.

She smirked and I knew she wanted to have the last jab just to say she was better at reeling me back in. “Well i should get going now. Don't want to be too late.” We stood up at the same time and I was sure neither of us wanted to leave just yet. I looked around for a moment, making sure that I wouldn't be within the sight of someone who could get me fired, before cupping her chin in my hand. I guided her towards me, my head already angled for a kiss. My watch went off suddenly, signaling the end of my break. Of course. We both let out little exasperated sighs.

“Guess I have to go now too.” I leaned down just enough so that our lips were close but weren’t touching. “See you tonight.”

I left her then, trying not to look back at her and show how much i wanted her. I hoped the rest of my shift passed by fast. I couldn't wait to get in her bed.

--

Eri’s POV

I flipped my hair back, running my fingers through it as I finished towel drying. My feet had been killing me but i managed to take a shower and get the smell of garlic off me. It was already nearing 11:30 and i was ready to crawl into bed and pile blankets on top of me. In fact I was already climbing into bed when I heard a knock on the door. Shit. Johnny. I had totally forgotten that I invited him over. I groaned, wanting to kick my past self for being endlessly horny for him even though he didn’t give me the time of day. Stupid big dick bastard. I trudged over to the door wondering if there was possibly a decent way to say “Go the fuck home I’m tired.”

I opened it and was met face to face with his hands propped up on either side of the door way. He licked his lips as soon as he saw me, a smirk toying at them. The ends of my hair were still wet and dripping onto my tank top, darkening the fabric and flushing me with cold. “Hey.” Was all he said. I pulled away from the door allowing him in. I could smell the freshness of his cologne mixed in with with the slight fruitiness of his shampoo. Thank god he took a shower too at least. I gave him the once over, my eyes resting at his sweatpants, as he kicked off his sneakers. Though i was dead tired there was still a part of me screaming to let him fuck me.

Johnny looked around my apartment that was significantly cleaner than his. “Nice place.”

“Mhm, my room doesn't even have a pile of clothes on the floor. Or empty Starbucks cups and condom wrappers.”

“Hah hah, very funny. Which one is yours anyway? Oh wait never mind, it’s the one with the giant poster of a band who's logo looks like a bunch of twigs thrown together, right?”

“Oh no. That's totally Quinn's room.” I ignored his stupid wisecrack and headed towards my room with him following me. The soft sounds of my spotify playlist melted into the room filling it with smooth, jazzy feminine vocals. I had a three wick candle burning and my lights already dimmed making it look like i was intentionally trying to seduce him. However, this was all my plan for heading the fuck to sleep.

“Uh...what's going on here?” Johnny asked, a very stunned expression on his face.

“Ok...to be honest I forgot you were coming over. This is how i like to fall asleep sometimes so I know it looks seductive but it ain't for you, homie.”

“I was about to say, damn, buy me dinner first.” He headed over to my bed and laid down, folding his hands behind his head. I rolled my eyes and crawled in beside him.

“I think we're already passed the ‘buy me dinner’ point, dont you think?”

He shrugged and looked up at me. “I still like to eat.” He moved his hand to cup my chin pulling me closer for a tender kiss. His tongue licked at my bottom lip slowly before he pressed his lips against mine fully. He wasn't trying to invade my mouth just yet but the warm sensual fueled caresses made my heart thunder. My hand settled on his chest feeling the soft thrum of his heart beneath my fingertips as I eased myself over him. I straddled his waist and settled the center of my panties against the slight bulge in his sweats.

“You’re not wearing underwear, are you?” I chuckled and sunk my hips down against him.

“Hell no. Why should I? You were just gonna-” He interrupted his sentence with a loud yawn, covering his mouth quickly. “Fuck, sorry.”

“Oh, am I boring you now?” I teased.

“No...no of course not. I’ve just been drained. But I wanted to hook up. Like...really wanted to, especially after today.”

I nodded. “Me too. That’s why I still invited you here. But you can stay if you want.”

He sat up quickly, almost knocking me off him. “I don’t sleep over. Ever.”

“Yah, Quinn has the same rule too but it’s no big deal. I mean we’re both tired.”

“Nah, I’m chill. I’m gonna go.” He tapped my thigh, signaling for me to move. “Get up.”

I pressed my chest to his, kissing up his neck towards his ear. “Relax, Johnny. You think I’m gonna fall in love with you just because you wake up next to me? That’s gross.” I nipped at his ear playfully.

“No, you don’t understand. There’s a reason I don’t sleep over. Can you get off?”

“What’s the reason?”

He sighed and rolled his eyes. “If you’re not gonna get up then I’m gonna throw you off.”

“Oh I fuckin’ dare you. You will get the beating of your life.”

“What’s your short ass gonna do?” He lifted me up swiftly into his arms and stood up as I tried not to scream in fear of him actually tossing me. I whacked his shoulder, feeling him start to let go.

“Johnny!! Don’t you dare!”

He let me fall a bit before catching me again, making me squeak and reel back towards the bed. He was already laughing at my struggle, especially since I was trying to grab at anything from the bed to pin myself down. My hand managed to wrap around my pillow and i swung it at him, catching the side of his head.

“You little shit!” He dropped me into the mattress, almost falling onto me himself. My legs were splayed out to the side as i giggled and tried to hit him again. Johnny blocked my attempt, snatching the pillow and hitting me instead. “How do you like that?!”

“Jerk!” I wrapped my legs around him, pulling him closer to me. “That all you got?”

“Well I’m not gonna spank you if that’s what you’re after.” He smiled and lowered his head to give me another kiss. “You’re really annoying, you know that?”

“Mhm, sure I am.” I wrapped my arms around his neck. “Kiss me again.”

He licked my lips before whispering against them. “Say please.” I pouted and tried to connect us but he pulled away a bit, his hand tangling itself in my hair to keep my head back. “No. Say please.”

I sighed. “Please?”

He gave me a quick peck on the lips. “There.”

“Ass. You made me say please and that’s what you give me?” I slid my hands down his back, slipping them under his cut off shirt.

“Well what more do you want from me, hm?”

I swallowed back, almost afraid to say what was clawing at my tongue. “Fuck me...”

Johnny kissed along my jawline as he pulled my hands from under his shirt and pinned them above my head, almost mimicking our first time together in his room. “Yeah? Do you want to cum that bad?”

I nodded, nipping at his throat ever so slightly. “Do it so i can fall asleep.”

He sucked his teeth. “You idiot.” he laughed, a deep kinda awkward staccato. It was the first time I had ever made him laugh with something I said; the first time we had ever really been personable with each other. The playful banter mixed in with the slow teasing was making butterflies infest my stomach. I was staring up at him, watching those warm honey eyes crinkle just a bit through his smile. And just for a moment, the dim lighting, the candle, the music; it all sent me to a warm and vulnerable place. That place was dangerous territory and i was tip toeing on a fine line I was never supposed to cross.

“We didn't think this through, did we?” He said, yawning again. “What if I fall asleep fucking you?” He was joking but there was a slight thrill in his words for me.

“Then you'd stay inside me all night and you'd be the first thing I felt in the morning.”

His face and ears flushed so fast that I was caught off guard by that instance of embarrassment. “U-uh...w-what?”

“I told you I wanted you to fuck me.” I said. “So do it. Until i cum, until we fall asleep, whatever. I just need it.”

He gulped audibly as his eyes fell to the wayside. He didn’t say much further, only buried his face against my neck to lash soft licks against it. I exhaled softly, drifting my eyes closed and focusing on the heat of his body pressing into me. His kisses were turning into eager bites as his head traversed the expanse of my chest. His tongue wrapped around my nipple through the damp fabric teasing it until my breath eased into tiny gasps. I managed to wiggle my leg between his thick thighs, nudging against the bulge in his sweats. A delicate moan stayed trapped in his throat as his hips took the opportunity to create friction against me.

His hands finally released their grasp on mine and I drew my fingers up to the nape of his neck. Meanwhile, he reconnected our lips making the kiss heavier, deeper, slower. All the attention was starting to make them tender and my head felt like it was swimming. It wasnt like this was the first time we had had sex but it felt...more intimate and i had no idea why. I longed for a just another spare moment to recover again. With a soft shove i managed to create some space between us. Johnny looked down at me, raising a brow in confusion. “You good?” He asked, licking his lips 

I ignored the back and forth thoughts in my head; weren’t you supposed to fall asleep? Weren’t you supposed to not care that he hadn’t texted you in two weeks? Weren’t you supposed to ignore the fact that everything he did, no matter how stupid, made you crave his attention, his body, his touch? He always made me second guess my intentions but i had to keep them hidden. We were just fuck buddies after all. Nothing particularly serious even though i lived to have him inside me. My stomach continued to do flips while my brain floated between thoughts. I simply nodded at him and encouraged him to continue. His thumbs descended under the waistband of my shorts easing them down until i was able to kick them off. His next move was pulling my tank top over my head and tossing it behind him so i was presented just for him.

He placed a winding trail of kisses from my belly button up to my breast before he eased a warm bite over my nipple. I pressed my lips into a thin line, trying to suppress a heavy moan, especially when his large hand pried my thighs open. His fingers drifted between my folds, sliding through the slickness that had already begun to gather. With a gentle push his finger tip made its way inside, making small thrusts before sliding back up to wrap tantric circles around my clit. As he explored the most eager of places, my hand found itself anchored in his hair as I was determined to keep him close. I pulled slightly and a deep groan rumbled from him as he tilted his head towards the tugs. With that simple distraction I worked my thigh against him, feeling his cock, hard and needy, beneath the thin fabric of his sweatpants. He rutted against my thigh, grinding into my bare skin greedily. 

“Pull my hair again.” he groaned. Now it was my turn for my face to flush in surprise. Though it was the most basic of turn-on’s, i never expected Johnny to like it.

“Um...o-okay.” I gave his hair another tug and it seemed to set off a chain reaction: another groan and rough kiss, another rough grind against my thigh, another thrust of his finger as it curled against my walls ever so slightly. I arched up into him, one hand steadying his wrist while the other gripped at his shoulder, almost clawing at his stupid shirt that I didn’t want on him any longer. I thrusted my hips into his hand wanting him to add more fingers to stretch me out just as bad as he wanted the continued friction against his cock. Even his lips were still calling out for attention. With his forehead pressed against mine i stole a few hot presses before trapping his bottom lip between my teeth and diving my tongue into his mouth. A second finger joined the first and quick curls had his knuckles pressed against almost every sensitive area within me. My nails dug indentations into his wrist and I could barely wait any longer.

“I got some condoms on the dresser.” I mumbled through the soft mewls I was making. He nodded, showing a bit of irritation that we had to separate and almost making me whine as he pulled away. He treaded over to my dresser while I found the strength to adjust myself on the bed, securing the pillow under my head.

“Where at-?”

“In that little box on the top. I got some magnums in there just for you.”

“How thoughtful.” He plucked one out and held it between his teeth as he pulled away his clothes. He tore the wrapper open, spitting out the strip of gold before easing the rubber on and rejoining me. When we reconnected, he guided my hand to his covered cock while his fingers resumed the deep pressure inside me. My palm gathered the lubricant that decorated his tip, adding extra pleasure to my long strokes to his shaft. His eyes fluttered closed and he dove his face into my neck, hiding the shy look on his face. My heart was starting to pound and i couldn't help but pathetically whimper out his name. It earned me a small bite to my collarbone and a rough buck into my hand.

“Need you…” He breathed. I nodded and wrapped my legs around him, settling him in his rightful place between my thighs. I pulled the covers over us securing our warmth from my air conditioned room. He kept himself propped up so he wouldn’t crush me, his temple cradled in the palm of his unoccupied hand. He looked down at me with a sleepy smile on his face and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“You are so out of it. Do you want to stop? You can just sleep, you know.”

He shook his head quickly and pushed his bangs back. “I’ll sleep after you cum, trust me. I’m fine. Just tell me what you want, ok?” He whispered against my shoulder. Of all the things I had said and done in the bedroom I had no idea how to even began telling Johnny my wishes without turning into an embarrassed puddle. When i didn’t respond verbally he sent a confused look my way. “Eri?”

The way he said my name made me clench and ache for him. I still couldn’t fathom saying anything but i managed to wrap my fingers around his shaft and let him slip between my lower lips. He caught onto my miniscule movement and edged his hips towards me over and over as the ridge of his head ghosted over my clit and filled me with excitement. I slid my arm underneath his, clutching at his shoulder tight as i buried my face in his chest, keeping my moans to myself. Every once in awhile he would sink his tip into me, testing the waters of my comfort. His shaft was easily spreading my slickness between us but having him fill me after so long was seeming to become a reoccuring challenge. He flittered kisses between my neck and shoulder while his hand tangled itself within my hair, softly scratching at my scalp. The other now took up residence on my hip, pulling my thigh around his waist as he started his slow and aching descent inside me.

My nails dug into his shoulder then as a weak moan escaped me. He muttered curses into my skin until he sunk in as far as he could go. “You okay?”

I simply nodded and squeezed my leg around him tight as my hips met his in an encouraging dance. He accepted my welcoming movement as an invitation to continue and started his languid thrusts, pulling out almost all the way before refilling me. My walls stretched around his shaft greeting each thrust with a small clench that already had every muscle in his back tensing. My fingers spread across his shoulder blades feeling the strength beneath his skin as he rocked himself into a steady rhythm. The hand remained between us spread my outer lips open feeling each push and pull. Every once in awhile i would meet my clit with eager strokes, drawing more pleasure out of me.

His eyes drank in the sight of my hand between us before returning to see me still hiding in his chest. He gripped my chin within his slender fingers, forcing our eyes to connect. “Let me see you.” He licked his lips slowly and exhaled. “Don’t hide from me. I want to see that fucked out look on you face.”

My eyes went wide for a moment. Literally, he picked this time to ruin such a perfect moment with yet another one of his gross porn lines. “Boy if you don’t-”

“Relax, I’m joking! I just wanted to hear you tell me to shut up or say that you like it better when i dont talk.” He laughed before sliding his arm around the small of my back and pulling me completely flush against him. “Call me a glutton for punishment I guess.”

“Yeah, you’re something all right.” I said. “A pain in the ass and-” I was cut off again by Johnny sitting back on his knees and pulling me up into his lap. I didnt know how it was possible but every inch of him felt deeper inside me. I covered my mouth and clung onto him as his hands cupped my ass.

“You good babe?” He smirked.

“Fuck...sh-shut up.” i buried my face in his neck as his hips focused all their attention into plowing up into me. All my thoughts were lost. My mouth ran dry and i could barely focus on anything else but the heated feeling in my stomach. He had only just begun and my thighs were already quivering with each harsh jerk.

“That's all i wanted to hear.” he whispered. His teeth were cutting across the skin of my collarbone, nails dragging devilish scratches across my ass cheeks, and forcing my hips to roll with his thrusts. The feeling was overwhelming and i could feel my eyes watering through how tightly they were squeezed shut.

“Please…” He stilled for a moment and i exhaled a breath i hadnt known i'd been holding. With my limbs clamped around him tight i finally begged him to make me cum, so desperate for the release i had missed for weeks. And even more desperate for that feeling of him swelling inside me and filling me with his warmth. “Make me cum, Johnny. Please make me cum. Pl-please…”

When he didn’t move for a few more seconds I looked up at him wondering exactly what he was thinking. In reality, I wanted to go back into hiding and ignore the fact that I had just begged a man to make me feel good but the look in his eyes snatched my breath away completely. Johnny pulled my head against his, crashing our lips together in a fevered rush. He continued to fuck up into me at a slow but harsh pace, stirring that astounding feeling inside me again and making me clench tight. I cupped his face in my hands, sliding a moan past his teeth while his thumb made my clit throb with renewed fervor. In a few short circles and raw thrusts i melted against him feeling all the pent up tension i had release into a fatiguing rush of pleasure. I slumped into his arms trying to regain what little strength i had left. He was rubbing my lower back gently while his other hand pushed my hair away from my face.

“Need to lay down?”

I nodded quickly and he slid out of me carefully, laying me onto the mattress. My body instantly curled up and i pulled my pillow close, gripping the case tightly. I could only hear his breaths evening out beside me until it shifted into quietness. I thought he had fallen asleep to be honest. I peeked my head up and poked his side a little, watching him twitch.

“What?’ he groaned.

“I thought you were going to sleep after you made me cum.” I chuckled.

“Hmm, I’d get there faster if you didn’t bug me.”

“Oh now you’re grumpy.”

“I’m not grumpy. I’m just waiting.”

“Waiting for what?”

He rolled his eyes and gestured towards his dick. “Ya know…”

“Oh my god, idiot, you can cum. You at least know how to make me feel good first. You’re like a unicorn in the Noah’s Arc of fuckboys.”

“What kind of fuckin’ analogy is that?!” He sucked his teeth and shoved me away playfully.

“It means you’re rare and shouldn’t actually exist. But I’m glad you do.”

He raised a brow at me. “You’re...glad I exist?”

“I-I mean for the sole purpose of fucking, okay?!” I buried my face in my pillow wondering why he made me act like such a goddamn fool.

“Of course. Just for fucking. Nothing else.” Johnny made his way on top of me, sliding back into me with the softest of grunts. I bit down on the pillow, sucking in a breath before relaxing under his touch. Thankfully, his thrusts weren’t as eager, instead they were lengthy and drawn out as his hands braced themselves against the bed beside mine. My eyes fluttered shut for a moment as I almost fell into sleep by just enjoying the way he felt inside me. His rhythmic sighs mimicked the way his fingers kept curling and trembling, as if looking for something to tether himself too. I inched my hand closer to the warmth of his palms, offering my wrist as a vision of comfort. Instead my hand disappeared under his, fingers intertwining with his harshly as his hips stuttered. I swallowed hard and tried to will my hand to move away from his but it was like I was frozen-trapped in a flurry of too intimate of emotions. Before I knew it the rush of his warmth spilled within the condom and my name tumbled from his lips in a deliciously low groan.

He lowered himself on top of me, taking care that he wouldn’t crush me although that effort was futile. His face was buried in the back of my neck and I expected him to let my hand go but we remained together. All i could do was stare at our hands, my heart racing against my ribs that were pressed against the mattress. “Um...Johnny?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper. He didn’t answer me and I couldn’t even look back at him with the way he was positioned on me. I laid there, trying to escape my feelings while my body relished in the way we stayed connected.

--

Johnny’s POV

I shifted a bit, feeling my body sticky with sweat. I thought I was having another night terror but I actually felt...normal in my head. Had I really slept through the whole night without any suffering? I opened my eyes and noticed the dim glow of a candle that was way too close to burning out. A sweet coconut smell was floating round me and I found that my face was buried in a sea of curls. I looked down at the body spooned against me and came to a grim realization. Fuck. I slept over.

I looked around frantically wondering what time it was. Maybe I had only been asleep for like twenty minutes. Twenty minutes wasn’t so bad. Her alarm clock was reading otherwise though. It was almost 6 am. Shit. Shit. SHIT. I tried to untangle myself from her but it was difficult given the fact that I was still inside her. I wanted to fucking kick myself. What the hell was the matter with me?! Even our hands were stuck together! I needed to leave asap. I separated our hands and slid out of her slowly, my body shuddering when I lost the feeling of her tight warmth around me. Why did it feel that good to be inside her all night?

I was losing my touch and my mind. There was no way the person i was a month ago would ever do this. I finally crawled out of the bed and tossed on my clothes before running out into the living room. I almost crashed into Quinn head on but was just barely able to stop myself. She stared at me with a half sleepy look on her face.

“What are you doing here?”

“Uh…..” I had no idea how to respond and i really didnt want to say ‘hey i fucked your roommate and actually stayed over and held her stupid hand all night like a fucking pussy ass baby!’. She would probably blab to Jae who would tell everyone else in the group chat and I didn’t want to be hounded by those idiots. The only thing I could think of to do was keep running. “Bye!” I left her standing there and grabbed my shoes, not even bothering to put them on, before flinging the door open. I headed down the stairs of the apartment building almost two at a time, not stopping until I got into my car. I slammed my hand against the steering wheel completely pissed at myself. I didn’t want to admit it but an annoying little voice was screaming at the back of my skull. Maybe I did like her.

--

JohnJae chat

Jae: what time did you come home last night bro?

Johnny: idk like...3 or 4 or sum shit

Johnny: why

Jae: i thought i heard you, lowkey thought i was dreamin tho

Jae: who was you with?

Jae: eri?;)

Johnny: no just some random chick

Johnny: doesnt matter

Jae: dont lie to me. I know you already. U keep hanging with her

Johnny: so what? i like fuckin her. Shes btr then half the tricks ive gotten with tbh

Jae: well…

Jae: ive kinda been hooking up with quinn

Jae: the blonde

Jae: eri's roommate

Johnny: yah i know who she is stupid.  but you mean to tell me all this time ur doggin me about eri ur fuckin quinn again?

Jae: ehh like...6 or 7 times since the party

Johnny: BRO WTF

Jae: what?! Shes like horny ALL the time so she calls me

Jae: 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Johnny: hollup

The Boys Group Chat

Johnny: jae muthafuckin hyun over here fuckin quinn like 12 times. Yall talk about me being whipped for eri what abt him????!!!!

Jae: IT WASNT 12 TIMES

Lucas: yall need to back off from my women lol

Lucas: why cant you guys find other people

Ten: stop hogging them to urself

Ten: ur just the baby they take care of

Lucas: i am not a baby!!

Taeyong: its only bc they feel bad for you lmao

Lucas: fuck you. Its because i fuck them better then all of you do

Jae: MORE IMPORTANTLY

jae: johnny stayed over at eri's

Jae: i have may fucked quinn a lot but i still havent stayed over

Taeil: fuck are you serious?

Johnny: i didnt sleep over. We were just tired when we fucked

Yuta: so….you fell asleep….at her place...which means you stayed over

Johnny: it wasnt even that long

Ten: wait pause

Ten: did yall have sleepy sex

Taeyong: sleepy sex???

Ten: yeah like when ur tired or sleepy but you still wanna fuck so you go really slow. Its supposed to be like more sensual or whatever

Ten: chicks dig that shit

Johnny: i mean…

Johnny: we were just tired…

Taeil: how slow did you go?

Johnny: like medium speed? Like wtf is this the grand prix??

Taeil: did yall fucking make love???

Jae: FUCK DUDE

Jae: DID YOU

Johnny: NO

johnny: N.O.

johnny: ABSOLUTELY FUCKIN NOT

yuta: oh they did

Ten: totally had sleepy lovey dovey sex

Johnny: THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT JAE

jae: at least im still plowing quinn instead of being gross and shit

Jae: what happens if she catches feelings

Johnny: then thats her problem. I dont want her like that

Yuta: i doubt she will.

Lucas: dude ive fucked her, stayed over, got her to cook breakfast, showered with her, and have eaten her out (unlike some people) and she still doesnt want to date me.

Taeyong: again its bc ur a baby. She feels bad and has to take care of u lol

Lucas: fuck. Off.

Ten: im sure she wont catch feelings. Shes got too many other dudes giving it to her better

Jae: yeah and not doing that gay shit

Ten: jae its not gay. Its only gay if two guys are attracted to each other physically and romantically

Jae: yeah yeah whatever. That sleepy fuckin is some gay shit

Jae: hella wack

Johnny: jae is whipped af and i didnt have sleepy whatever sex or stay over

Yuta: surrrreee lets go to make believe land where johnny isnt getting soft and letting some girl control him

Ten: maybe hes the kinky one now

Johnny: idek why i bother talking to ya’ll

Lucas: im just gonna ask eri what happened

Lucas: and im gonna ask to eat her out since she probably didnt cum last night with ur soft crap lmao👅👅

Johnny: she did cum. I always make her cum. In fact she begged me too

Taeil: probs begged you to stop tbh

Yuta:😂😂😂😂

Yuta: a mood

Ten: anyway i got some 👌👌👌 pics of her from our session a couple weeks ago if anyone wants em

Yuta: ohh same

Lucas: i took a few when i was fucking her from behind for the spank bank

Taeyong: and you were saying that ten and yuta were bad. Ur doing the same thing

Lucas: NO bc im not POSTING IT for everyone to see

Taeil: u should. I mean just her. Not ur dick

Taeil: please for the love of god not ur dick

Lucas: ok fine but dont fucking tell or show anyone else

Johnny: i dont need to see that

Ten: why bc its not your dick shes fucking? Lmaoooo

Ten: show me her, show me ur dick lucas, show me everything 👅👅👅

Yuta: ur gay is showing bro

Ten: my gay is always showing. Where have you been?

Lucas: whatever I’ll send it in a bit, i’m heading over to their place now anyway

Lucas: Ill let ya’ll know what eri says

Taeyong: That johnnys completely in love with her

Yuta: gross lol

Johnny: OK BYE.

Johnny: GOOD

Johnny: BYE

Ten: What was that # you said before yuta?

Yuta: #johnnyiserisbitch

Yuta: nothing’s changed

Yuta: well except johnny getting soft

Taeil: way too soft. Keep it up and we’ll have to kick you out lol

Taeil: we fuck and leave man

Taeil: end of story.

[percywinchester27]

Unconventional Roommates (Part-13)

Word count: 4K

Pairing: Dean X Reader

Warnings: Mentions of past child neglect, feels.

Series Summary: Now that his brother is at Stanford, for the first time in his life, Dean does something for himself. He takes a step towards chasing his own dreams and moves away from Lawrence to start college, which is both thrilling and scary at the same time. Only catch, in this unknown town, he is stuck with the MOST infuriating female on the planet- the roommate from hell!

A/N: Do let me know what you think of this chapter y’all! It answers another crucial question from Dean’s past. 

Thanks to the sweetest @deanssweetheart23 for beta reading this. I love you so much <3

Unconventional Roommates masterlist

Dean had been driving for a while now, almost all the way back home. Y/N had instructed him to keep driving till they reached the northern end of their college town, then take the sharp turn towards the beach tip. It was still another fifteen minutes and then they would reach the place she had intended them to be in.

Dean wasn't tired of driving, not at all, but he was stiff having sat through the recital. Even then, he didn't regret a single minute. If anything, he was grateful for having agreed to spend the day with Y/N. Because in the span of those few hours, he felt like he'd known more about her than in all the time he'd spent with her. In fact, his stomach was doing flips merely thinking about what he was about to do.

He gazed side-wards to see Y/N dozing against the rim of the car. She was snoring softly, a frown etched upon her brow. Did she always sleep like that? Tensed? Now that Dean knew about her past, he could guess the types of horrors she dreamed about. He shuddered as he pushed the thought away. Again, he had to control the crazy urge to bend over and kiss her forehead.

With a lot of constraint, he willed his eyes off of her and on the road ahead. What sort of temperament caused her to be so hard with some people while so soft with others? He briefly wondered if it was a dual personality thing. For all he knew, maybe she was a vigilante, saving young girls from predators at night. A image of Y/N in a catsuit flashed before his eyes. It was incomplete because he actually had no clue how fitted clothes would look on her. He tried not to think about that. Either way, she was a real life batman.

He smirked proudly at the road ahead.

The sky was turning a brilliant shade of fiery orange, the edges tinted with a unique mauve. Y/N was right, he thought, as he parked along the edge where the road ended. It was going to be a beautiful picture.

"Y/N?" He urged softly, "We're here."

She stirred and opened her eyes, blinking rapidly like she didn't know where she was.

"Dean?" She asked, confused, her voice even huskier than usual because of the sleep.

"Wake up, princess!" He couldn't help but tease her.

Her hands found her hair, which was still tightly tucked into the tiara, the pretty curls still framing her face.

"We're here," he reminded again.

Y/N looked out of the car window at the steadily lowering sun, then sat up quickly.

"Shit!" She cursed.

"What?"

"We should have gotten here sooner… there's a hike. It'll, at least, take half an hour."

Dean smiled. "There's still time. C'mon!"

She quickly jumped out of the car, forgetting about the tiara. Dean removed his jacket and slung the camera around his neck and followed her.

Two things became very obvious, very quickly. First, that Dean wasn't as fit as he gave himself the credit for. Sure, he could lift heavy things. He'd been used to it since the day he stepped into a garage, but hiking, and climbing up steep slopes was proving a lot more difficult that he would have imagined. Within fifteen minutes, Dean was heaving and had to pause to catch his breath. Dammit! Sam should never know of this.

The other thing he discovered was that, Y/N was like a gazelle or something. Her feet barely even touched the dusty earth before they were off again. It was almost like she was a wood-nymph. Light and graceful. And fast… damn, was she fast. Dean was left playing catch up in the dust.

"C'mon, old man," she laughed from a distance ahead of him. "We have to make it to the top before the sunset, ya know."

"I-I know," Dean huffed, a little mad at himself for having to tag along. So much for impressing her.

At long last they reached the top. The climbing slopes gave way to the flat land suddenly as the ferns shifted, he saw it clearly up ahead. One side of the view had high sheer cliffs of solid sandstone, rising out of the clear blue water. They weren't exactly jagged, more like they had been specifically designed to give the terrain an aesthetic appeal. The sea itself stretched seamlessly to the left, without a visible end. The red sky above cast a shadow of an unnamed color in the water below. It was ethereal.

"Wow…" Dean gasped.

"I know, right?" Y/N was proud.

He held the Camera to his eye, adjusting the dials and clicked a couple of pictures. As many as he clicked, he felt he could never capture that sort of beauty in a 4" X 8" square. Same could be said about Y/N, too.

Just like the other day, eventually he was reduced to clicking her pictures. A little voice in the back of his head recalled that he had to ask Y/N about the magazine picture from the fair which had her in it, but the deliberation was too fleeting to fully form a coherent thought.

The sun went down pretty quickly after that, but Dean was certain that he had gotten a few amazing shots of the beach and the promenade. Y/N was a genius, she knew the angle would flatter the best locations of the beach. From the vantage, he could spy a couple making out in middle of the waves. Two girls. They were holding hands, but also holding each other. Just then, one of them pushed the other into the water and then jumped in after her. It was too far away to know for sure, but they seemed to be laughing and Dean found himself laughing with them; then stopped when he realized what he was doing, quickly looking towards Y/N to see if she had noticed.

Of course she had.

"You look good when you laugh," she said, then reached out with her hand. "Let me click a picture of you. C'mon, give me the camera."

"What? No!"

He felt self conscious all of a sudden. He didn't want to get a picture clicked, but more than that, he was apprehensive about Y/N going back to see the pictures that he already had clicked. A lot of them were hers.

"You scared I'll break your precious little Nikon?" She teased.

Now he had to give it to her.

"C'mon, Romeo, don't overthink this!" It was so easy for her to say. Everything was so easy for her to say especially when he had been beating himself up for the past couple of weeks by overthinking what was between them.

He handed her the camera without another word, not knowing what to do next.

"Strike a pose," she urged, fiddling with the dial. She already knew her way around a digital camera.

"What do you think I am? A ballet dancer," Dean sulked, but struck a conventional pose, anyway, with hands crossed beneath his chest.

"Aren’t you the eye-candy," she grinned wickedly from behind the camera, clicking away madly. That was enough to disgruntle Dean. It wasn't fair that he had to capture her furtively when she could do it openly. It wasn't her fault though. She had asked, while he couldn’t even draw up the courage to say three small words.

Nevertheless, her compliment did make his cheeks feel warm. If only he could know for sure whether she was really appreciative or all her words were in jest, it would be a little easier to admit out loud how he felt for her.

The couple on the beach trailed out of the water, dragging each other by the arm.

"Here." She handed back the camera, eyes following his towards the lovers, pensive even if her lips were stretched into a smile.

For a second Dean tried to get into her head, tried to climb into her shoes and see things from her perspective. A girl who had never known a lasting and unconditional love. Being rejected right from her birth? How must that feel? Of course she longed for permanence and reassurance in love, for it to be selfless. But then again, wasn't that the whole point of love? If it wasn't selfless, was it really even love?

"C'mon," he said, staring at the now almost dark sky."We should get going."  

She caught hold of his hand to stop him. "Let's wait a while." She paused then added hesitantly. "The stars look beautiful when it gets really dark. I come here alone at times, when I have a lot on my mind."

Y/N went to sit by the edge. It wasn't steep by any means, not up there, at least, and Dean followed suit, sitting by her side. He held out his hand and she took it as if it was the most natural thing. They sat in silence till the last vestiges of the hiding sun scattered to make way for a dark purple canvas of the evening sky, which was sprinkled with oh so many stars. The more he tried to see, the more stars he found.

"It's beautiful," he gasped.

"What? Haven't you seen the night sky before?" She asked.

He tried to remember the last time he'd actually done this. It was probably with Sam on the bumper of the Impala on a long lost 4th July night.

Dean shook his head. "Not in a long while."

"No girlfriends who wanted to play footsie under the sky?" She asked. Even though her tone was light, he could see that it was taking her some effort to keep it that way. She was both curious and apprehensive. That made him smirk.

He replied anyway. "Never really had the sort of time to hook-up back in Lawrence."

She slapped his shoulder. "What're you talking about? Stud like you and no action?"

He gave her a sideway glance. Y/N looked furtive and it made him laugh.

"I got action alright, but mostly just random one night stands."

"Not the type for relationships?" Apprehensive again.

Dean paused, wondering how to phrase it. "Well… it was more about how the other party wasn't the relationship type."

"I-I don't get it," she asked.

Dean sighed. "I was stuck in Lawrence, Y/N. It's a sleepy, moldy town. Nothing exciting ever happens there, except me of course." He winked and she rolled her eyes.

"I had a couple girlfriends, but they wanted more out of life than that stupid old town, and I of course, couldn't leave."

He thought back to Casey, his high-school cheerleader girlfriend, and then Lisa right after high school. One couldn't handle the fact that he would never be anything more than a mechanic and the other broke up when she went to off college. Dean didn't begrudge them their life choices. Hell, he hadn't been particularly serious about them either. Besides, it had been years ago now. After that it was mostly just flings.

"You never gave relationships a shot after that?" She asked, ever curious.

"What was the point? It would all have ended the same way. Besides I never found anyone I really liked." Up until now.

Y/N looked thoughtful, her teeth pressing into her bottom lip. It was very distracting.

"You could have ditched that town long back," she pointed out. "Sure there was Sam to think of, but you could have started over anywhere. Why just stick around?"

She had asked the one question he hoped would never come up.

He stayed quiet. At first she waited, but soon it was obvious that he wasn't going to answer.

"Sorry if I overstepped my mark or something." Y/N shifted back, removing her hand from his and drew into herself with her arms crossed in front of her. Suddenly, she looked awkward.

The last thing that he wanted was for her to withdraw like that.

"It.. it was because of our dad," he said slowly.

"Dad?" Y/N's eyes narrowed.

He'd never mentioned his dad before. And from the way even Y/N skirted around the topic, Dean was sure she had assumed his story to be something similar to hers except that his mom loved him.

It was far from the truth. His dad hadn't abandoned them. Not in the traditional way, at least.

"Dean?" she called, tentatively. "You don't have to tell me anything."

"I want to," he said finally. And he meant it. Truth was that he was tired of carrying the weight alone. There was of course Sam, but he never mentioned it. As far as Sam was concerned, his family started and ended with Dean. There was no one else for him and Dean couldn't blame Sam for it. The boy had never known a mother's love, or a father's pride. The fact that Sam's whole family was his brother was both a source of happiness and sadness to Dean.

"My mom… she died in a nursery fire," he spoke, then looked over at Y/N who was wound tight like a spring. "But you already know that part."

She nodded. Dean remembered telling her that at the fair. More than that, he remembered just how much it had affected her.

He continued. "My dad… he loved my mom a lot. A lot. And her death… he didn't take it well."

"What do you mean?"

"It was a short-circuit, Y/N," he said, hurriedly, wanting to get it all out. "The fuse didn't go off like it should have, which is why the lights burst and the room caught fire… but my dad, he was convinced that something else did it. He convinced himself that he saw a man's figure in the fire from outside the room when we barged in to get Sammy."

Her eyes were wide. "A man?"

"Yeah. It's what he told the cops. But no one believed him because the Sheriff's office confirmed that it was a case of accidental death. For a while he was quiet, but then he would go off days at a stretch trying to find the man or whatever he thought it was that killed mom. He sawed off shotguns, made salt circles and carried iron. He even taught us how to shoot. There would be no food, no electricity at times. Finally, the child services got roped in, and my dad's colleague at the garage, Rufus Turner got involved to clear his name. He tried to get dad to see sense, but as time passed, his thoughts just got crazier… the man in the room became a demon and he was convinced that Sam was cursed or something."

It was both a relief and horror to recount that. Dean hadn't spoken about it in years. In fact, he had never spoken about it to anyone at all. He and Sam carried that one dark secret with them.

"Then what happened?" Y/N's voice was barely above a whisper in the dark.

"Sam was in 5th grade when one day dad called him something particularly horrid, convinced that he was somehow demonic. By then, he'd started drinking so much that he was barely awake at all. And I…" Dean put his face in his hands. "I was scared, Y/N. I was scared that in his drunkenness, he'd hurt my brother. So, I called Rufus, and he called the cops."

"Fuck."

"Yeah… They didn't take him into custody, of course, but after a long check-up, they admitted him into a psychiatric facility. The doctor used heavy words like unresolved trauma and crap like that. He just couldn't deal with the fact that something as accidental and fateful like a random wire trip could snatch his wife away from him. It was easier to believe that there was a demonic power at work there, easier to pin all his anger on that one thing and ignore the pain. Because she had been in there to check on Sam, the rage got internally diverted towards him. I mean, he loved Sam. I knew that, but he was just convinced that the kid was going to grow up to be a monster… it was so complicated… and just so… so…" He couldn't find the words.

Dean felt a hand on his shoulder. He could imagine the look in her eyes from the pressure of her fingertips.

"We used to visit him there, I more than Sam, because after a while, the treatment started working. Some days he understood that what he had convinced his mind was wrong, but on other days he would just fly into these rages… and it was impossible to control him. He passed away about a year and a half ago. The house that was his, where we had grown up became ours legally. Sam convinced me to sell it off so I could move here and pay for the college."

"That's nice of him…" She murmured, voice soft but also rough like coarse velvet.

"Yeah. Until he was there, moving away from Lawrence was out of question. We couldn't abandon him. He was the only family Sam and I had apart from each other."

For the first time in his life Dean was absolutely sure that if turned now, there would be nothing but empathy in Y/N's eyes. No pity, no disgust. There would be no aversion towards him or his dad. This was the sort of surety that only love could bring.

When he did turn, Dean was shocked. Y/N's eyes were watery. It wasn't just empathy, it was pain, distinct and raw. She threw her arms around him, hugging him tight. Dean had to stagger his hand against the ground to gain balance. For a split second he didn't know what to do. Y/N just hugged him tighter, her fingers digging into his muscles. She hid her face in his chest. He could feel her breath through the single layer fabric of his shirt.

Slowly, he put his hand over her back, drawing her closer. "It's okay."

She just shook his head.

Dean remembered how stoic she was while sharing her own story just this morning and how he had to control his emotions because it was too much to handle. Y/N's reaction was exactly like that. But unlike him, she wasn't holding back. She sought the comfort of his arms willingly enough.

He let her draw the comfort, allowing himself to loosen up and experience what complete acceptance feels like. It felt like this.

There was nothing more to say as they sat like that, huddled together. Y/N turned her face towards the beach after a while, breathing deeply. He didn't dip his head to catch the expression on her face even though he wanted to. If it was something she wanted him to see, she wouldn't hide it.

On his part, Dean was aware of every single movement. Her heartbeat and his own. Her unique scent, the soft sound of her breath. Everything. It felt like he was living more than he was used to.

"We should go," she sighed, reluctant.

Of course. She had to be at work. In fact, it was already late by her standards.

Carefully, Dean unfolded his arms, letting her walk out of his embrace. She didn't say a word as she climbed back down. It didn't seem as hard climbing down the trail as it had been in the evening. He followed her as quickly as he could.

Y/N didn't meet his eyes even as she climbed into the car. Dean wanted to break the silence, but he didn't know what to say. Y/N seemed lost, or rather rankled somehow. She looked deeply affected, a little agitated but also unsure. He fervently hoped that it wasn't because she regretted hugging him.

In the lift, too- which was miraculously still working- she didn't strike up a conversation. However, Dean did catch her stealing looks at him from the corner of her eyes. He watched as she unlocked the front door and stepped inside without a backward glance.

She was almost to her room, when Dean called, "Y/N!"

She turned, not quite looking at him. "Yeah?"

"Don't you wanna know what Mia told me? I made a promise that I'd tell you what it was once I got the pictures," His heart was pounding against his chest and his throat was suddenly dry.

Fuck. Was he really going to do this? Tell her how he felt?

She stared at him, less distracted than before.

He cautiously walked towards her, one step at a time. Her eyes went wider with every step, their beautiful color becoming more evident now. The tiara in her hair was almost coming off. It had skewed itself when she had thrown herself against his chest on the rock. He was close enough to touch her now.

Slowly, making his intentions perfectly clearly, Dean pushed it back into her, then let his fingers catch the loose curls that had escaped the knot. He wound it back carefully behind her ear. Y/N's breath hitched, her eyes flickered to his lips. He let his hand slide further down so the back of his fingers trailed down the side of her cheek. Y/N didn't budge. Her hand did not stop his, not even when his fingertip traced the shape of her lips. How he had dreamt of being able to do just that.

His other hand slid down her arm and found her lower back.

"She asked me to tell you how I really feel," he whispered, his hot breath fanning across her face.

Y/N closed her eyes, gravitating towards him, responding to his touch.

"And I have to tell you… I-I can't keep it in any longer. I- "

He caught a whiff of her scent and he couldn't stop himself from leaning in. His action threw them both off balance and he ended up pushing her against the side of the door, lips merely an inch away from hers.

His hand landed on the handle of her door and in an effort to regain his balance, his fingers slipped.

*Click*

The door unlocked and Y/N's eyes snapped open.

She turned in the circle of his arms and pulled the door shut.

He stepped back, completely letting go of her. When she turned back, all blood had drained from her face.

"Dean-" She reached out, scared and desperate, but he stepped farther back.

This is what it all boiled down too. She couldn't trust him. He had opened his heart out to her today, told her things that he hadn't ever uttered before, and she still couldn't fucking trust him.

"I have to get out of here," Dean said, almost gasping. He grabbed his jacket, car keys and was out before she could follow.

"Dea-"

He slammed the door behind him as hard he could.

I have trouble trusting people…

She had warned him, hadn’t she? But even after all this time? Dean had done everything he could to get her to see that he was trying his best. In the past few weeks and especially after what she had told him today, Dean had started to believe that she believed in him. Hell, he had deluded himself into thinking that she might even have feelings for him. It all came crashing down now. What was even the point of hoping for love, when he couldn't even gain her trust?

He was still an outsider, just like he had been on the day the apartment was flooded. He hadn’t been allowed in her room then. He wasn't allowed now.

Dean jammed the keys into the car, and revved the engine, whirring the car onto the road. He accelerated as fast as he could driving away from the place he had learned to call home. But was it really even home when he wasn't welcome into a part of it, more than that, when he wasn't welcome into the heart of the person who lived in it? Maybe, maybe if he could drive fast enough, he might be able to leave some some of the excruciating pain he felt behind.

************************

A/N 2: Okay, how mad are you at me for this? We have about 3 or 4 more chapters left for this series, so you’ll have the rest of your answers soon ;)

This is an AU. I spun Dean’s backstory that way because it made sense in the setting. Personally, as far as canon goes, I do think John tried his best to raise his kids the way he thought would save their lives. Agreed, he wasn’t the best dad out there, but he did love his kids even if he didn’t always know how to show it.

A/N 3: Please do consider reblogging my work and leaving feedback. Reblogging helps spread it, and also helps against the “best posts first” option tumblr has. The more the notes, the less chance of it getting buried beneath others posts. And the comments are what keep me going. I love you guys and I’ll be in forever grateful <3

The taglist for this series is CLOSED!

However, here’s my side blog @percywinchester27-writes. You can give that blog a follow and turn the notifications on to know about updates.

UR taglist:

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[forthebetterevil]

my first exo concert!

just gonna detail my experience going to my first exo concert as a 1.5-year-old exol. this is the Singapore 190915 EXplOration concert, missing ksoo (my crown prince) and xiu (my second prince). (p.s. jun is my third prince so that’s why i bought his fan ---- my face when i realised i unknowingly stanned exo’s enlistment line after ksoo dropped the bomb on us: 😊🔫)

and still missing lay, of course (*rolls eyes at china*). it was a blast but i didn’t die too hard, probably because it’s just 6 of them haha. my throat still died from screaming so hard though.

in my rambling i shall cover details of the merch in the picture, and comments (babbling) on each member.

to my great fortune, i was seated in the middle of a middle block facing the stage. i didn’t want to attend the concert in the standing pen area because i prefer observing the group as a whole to being up and close with them but missing out on all the dance formations. i’m here forking over S$302 for a concert where i can’t see ksoo or xiu so... anyway even if they were here i would still prefer to sit and watch the full performance.

the black banner (which i still can’t read) was laid on every seat, and overleaf, exols were asked to hold this banner up during their ending ment. the community is really cute.

the eribong v.3 is pretty when lit up (more later). it came with the bottom right sticker set, and a random photocard. i managed to trade for a ksoo card in the end :-)

the 7th anniversary pink leather keychain is not part of concert merch, but it’s pretty so i threw it into the pic (only for this concert did i break it out of its box to attach it to my bag LOL)

[ksoo]

i got a ksoo ... vertical banner? thin poster? thing after the concert was over, when merchants were desperate to sell their unsold goods. of course there was a ton of baek yeol 5ehun jun and j0ngin merch, but i was surprised i didn’t see as much of dae than i did ksoo. perhaps dae’s merch already sold out?? anyway, i saw ksoo’s marie claire photo and IMMEDIATELY shuffled over to ask for the price, which wasn’t too bad ($5, which became $4 because the merchant didn’t have exact change)

[xiu]

i pasted a xiu name sticker on one side of the eribong, and ksoo on the other. doubles as a “yeah these are my first 2 princes″ and a “at least they’re still with me today in spirit” ... *bursts into tears*

for xiu’s merch, there was NOTHING except maybe a tiny photo of him bunched with other members’ photos. i kept asking “do you have xium1n?” *merchant who usually isn’t a fan is confused* “um... kim minse0k?” *?* “this one, *points to xiu in a group photo*, do you have?” *shows me a j0ngin pic* “ok nvm” this was extremely upsetting. but hey at least i got to see xiu in printed group photos. because...

[lay]

lay didn’t even make an APPEARANCE amongst the goods. rip xingmis. a fellow exol told me someone in the standing pen was waving a ZYX banner around though, so there’s still hope amongst the singaporean xingmis at least

[junmye0n]

i got a fan-produced jun fan before the concert because i didn’t know the venue was air-conditioned haha whoops.

during the concert, his second outfit (after the tempo perf) was a poofy white long-sleeved top and rather well-fitting black trousers/pants and lemme tell you.... HE’S PRINCE ERIC. HE’S SO HANDSOME AND HE’S SO NICE AND SWEET AND HIS ENGLISH WAS SO GOOD, LIKE, EVERYONE IS WHIPPED FOR KSOO’S ENGLISH BUT HONESTLY JUN REALLY TRIED TO COMMUNICATE TO US IN ENGLISH IT WAS AMAZING AND HE PUTS IN SO MUCH EFFORT AND HE SHOULD BE APPRECIATED MORE (and this is coming from a ksoo stan..). you have no idea how upset i was when everyone was screaming their heads off for the other 5 performing members during their little video interludes, but when jun came on screen, there were just screams. heads did not pop off. NO! WHAT IS THIS DISRESPECT AND UNDERAPPRECIATION???!!!! i screamed my head off for him but one person alone can’t make up for the difference... jun was so nice and kept waving and making eye contact with the audience, doing cute poses for us here and there, being his little awkward leader self (as SM boy band leaders seem to do...), and basically tanking the transitions between performances. christ. also he freakin CARRIED the backing vocals AND the main vocals (i mean dae and baek too but everyone already explicitly appreciates them so i don’t need to give them special mention for carrying). he is ALWAYS being slept on, and it’s just not doing him justice. what the hell. junmye0n deserves the world :-(

for his BEEN THROUGH 👀👀👀👀 performance, he told us he decided to change the shirt colour to red because he thought it would match Singapore well (or something along those lines). like. WOW????? THANK YOU FOR EVEN CONSIDERING MY COUNTRY IS WORTH NOTICING TO CHANGE YOUR OUTFIT???? i hope i’m not sounding sarcastic - it’s such a small action but i felt a little touched?? like wow, he noticed.

my binoculars was glued on him half the time. he’s so handsome and pretty at the same time. part of the reason why i still went was to see if everyone’s claims that “suh0’s pictures don’t do him justice” were legitimate because when i first saw jun′s pic (i forgot which exact one), i literally thought, “that’s the handsomest man i’ve ever seen”. so i suppose the claim depends on angles. because ALL of em look like their pictures - their GOOD-ANGLE pictures. MEANING, jun looks as good as his best photos (which tend to be the ones where he faces straight to the front), but now he looks good from whichever angle in motion. he is actually very fair-skinned too! his face was like a beacon of light.

also, in his first ment greeting us, he was such a cheeseball saying our country is beautiful... like us. JUNMYE0N PLEASE.

nearing the end of the concert HE TOLD US NOT TO CRY (along with j0ngin or yeol, can’t remember). THEY’RE GONNA SING THEIR LAST SONG, BUT IT’S NOT GOING TO BE THEIR LAST SONG, BECAUSE THEY’LL ALWAYS BE IN OUR HEARTS, RIGHT? HJAGKN;KLSKGKS :”””””(

so to reiterate: i have the biggest soft spot for junmye0n and i love him.

[5ehun]

OH, DURING ONE SONG, 5EHUN CAME OVER TO RUB HIS HEAD ON JUN’S CHEST, AND I WAS LIKE AAAWWWW!!!!! and died. but jun’s back was facing me so i more or less couldn’t see much. after the concert, i found out that  5EHUN TRIED TO LIFT JUN’S SHIRT TO SHOW HIS ABS DURING THE NUZZLE. so i revived and died again. there were a lot of other small interactions too. seho stans won tonight.

below are some of my friend’s standing pen privilege pics:

what i could see from my seat behind -

what i DIDN’T KNOW 5EHUN TRIED FOR A HOT SECOND:

seho stan: *dies*

anyway... i wasn’t paying close attention to 5ehun during group performances (other than when it was his solo dance break and exo-sc perfs), tho i felt like he wasn’t as “engaged” as, say, jun or yeol. but i thought that was normal because yaknow... he’s not very talkative, and i was probably getting that impression just from his naturally stern (rbf LOL) face. 

his dance break was COOL and his exo-sc performances were LIVELY. and when he actually gets to sing (... T_T) nothing went wrong so i thought everything was fine.

however, during one of his ments, 5ehun admitted to us that he felt bad coz he wasn’t up to standard today (because he’s sick?? translator was not doing a thorough job, i got this info from another friend), and he’s sorry. some of us were like “huh?? no?? GWAENCHANA!!!!” and the translator said he said, “no i’m not saying this just so yall will say that, if you continue i’m not gonna share my feelings like this anymore” so we all shut up.

i can’t remember if it was in that same ment, but during one of the ments, the whole time 5ehun was talking, jun was standing waayyyy in front of the line to turn his body to look at 5ehun. i think he was worried for him :”( 5ehunnie bb please don’t beat yourself up over this. my friend in the standing pen said yeah, he was pretty out of it today, he kept staring into space instead of making eye contact with fans. :-(

[j0ngin]

spEAKING of out of it, the same can be said for j0ngin. don’t get me wrong, his dancing was still otherworldly. i was looking through my binoculars to focus on the dance formation and/or jun, but suddenly i was like “wait, i’ve been looking at ka1 dancing this whole time”. IT’S SO FLUID AND SHARP AT THE SAME TIME. EVERY MOVE IS EXECUTED PERFECTLY. IT JUST DRAWS YOU IN.

... but that can only be said for some stages. i felt like his moves were not as sharp/confident sometimes?? i mean they were still graceful, but somehow it feels kinda tired???????? k who am i to judge, i’m not the one dancing and singing for 2 hours straight lmao he obviously needs downtime...

THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT. unfortunately, during the ments, he also wasn’t very hyper (like hE WOULD BE WITH A CERTAIN SOMEONE.............. UGH MY KADI HEART IS ACHING). he dance-bopped around and interacted with yeol a little but that’s all. i know j0ngin is actually a shy boi but he REALLY didn’t talk much. :-(  i honestly suspect the Other Project (s*perM) is tiring him tf out.

am i hallucinating? or maybe i’m being overdramatic. i don’t know. it’s not that i was constantly following his movements like i was junmye0n’s during the concert anyway.

[baek]

he didn’t SEEM as tired as j0ngin thanks to that Other Project. his diet of CDs didn’t change, and he was still the goofball during ments / soft toy fun times. also, man, the amount of screams he got. and MAN, THE UN VILLAGE ROLLING HILLS PART..................... *GURGLES*

perhaps i’m not a baek stan, so i didn’t realise, but my friend commented that while he was not in as bad a state as j0ngin, he COULD’VE been more hyper.

I HOPE BAEK AND J0NGIN ARE RESTING WELL. Slave Management Entertainment PLEASE HAVE A HEART.

[yeol]

okay DUDES this guy was the guy who warned the middle standing pen fans to stop f*cking pushing because they don’t want to get anyone hurt. “ok everyone in the back row (of the standing pen) please raise your hands. can those who raise your hands take one step back please” ... “ok yall raising your hands but you’re not moving back” ... (him/suh0) “we have to be very wary because if you get hurt then we can’t come back”  the entire stadium collectively went “oOOOHHHH” (not in a good way)... BUT THEY STILL DIDN’T MOVE BACK. (him/suh0) “okay you don’t want to move back? then we’ll retreat to the stage behind then” *walks from from the smaller stage closer to exols back to the larger stage all the way at the front*

he was legit not happy. and goodness gracious did he have the right to be. didn’t this nonsense happen with exo-sc kfans before? and at that time 5ehun was the one who got angry.

anyway not only did they leave to continue performing the second set of songs on a bad note FURTHER AWAY, i HIGHLY SUSPECT that the other punishment was to take away one performance. WHICH WAS MY MOST HIGHLY ANTICIPATED ONE - SIGN. YEAH. THEY DIDN’T PERFORM IT. SHOOT ME NOW. THAT WAS THE B-SIDE I WAS IMMEDIATELY WHIPPED FOR ONCE THE TEMPO ALBUM DROPPED. f*ck.

OKAY ALL THAT ANGST ASIDE, he’s still the main goofball of the concert. HE TRIED TO TEACH US HOW TO DAB INTO THE INSIDE OF OUR ELBOWS. HE GROPED CHEN ON STAGE. HE... he does his job of an entertainer well. OMG. HE TOOK SOMEONE’S PHONE AND TOOK PICS/VIDS OF HIM AND SEHUN????? when i finally noticed it happening i thought he literally took his own phone out during performance/fan-interaction-time to take a selfie but then i find out after the concert that NO, IT’S NOT HIS PHONE. ... that phone case must be enshrined immediately.

also he had to take over some lines for some songs, and BOI DELIVERED. he sounded really nice singing :”)

[dae]

not only did he eat CDs while looking super cute in that blue suit, he BELTED OUT LIVE HIGH NOTES AND ADLIBS AND WHATEVER YOU CALL THEM. I’VE NEVER HEARD EXO LIVE, SO, OH MY GOD. it’s like you’re either screeching or silent because they’re performing but there were parts of dae’s performance where had to stop everything, put down my binoculars and eribong, stare into the air for a second, and literally say “wow” out loud. it was surreal. it was crazy. it got to the point where he covered one of xiu’s lines (i forgot which song), and i thought “oh wow, he sounds better singing this line than xiu” and i IMMEDIATELY felt guilty (I ONLY THOUGHT THIS FOR *ONE* OF XIU’S LINES, DON’T KILL ME)

he was quiet during the ment until his turn. when he was engaged he... engaged. haha about the members’ comments that his solo perf was a “different kind of sexy” from j0ngin, where he had only one drop of sweat. HAHA. *does lunges on stage* *gets molested by yeol*

dae’s actually really low-key. he’s like... a “good” boi. will respond well and politely but only when spoken to. what else do i say. sunshine angel. his smile is cute. CAT SMILE :3

[overall]

speaking of cats... baek asked us at the beginning of the concert: why’s the dress code white?

here’s a crappy pic from my android phone one minute before the lights were dimmed:

us: POWER!!! POWER!!!

exo: oh?? baek: does it represent the light power??

us: (loud murmurs of disagreement)

exo/baek: so you’re saying that’s not it... (discusses with members in korean) is it... the white marble???

us: (louder murmurs of disagreement)

exo/baek: hm i guess we can continue guessing till the concert is over haha

im not sure if anyone in the front rows, perhaps a korean fansite, screamed “cat” in korean, but after some discussion again,

exo/baek: (korean) some exols: *SCREAMS* translator: is it cat? exol: *SCREAMS AND WAVES ERIBONGS*

and this was the only legit interaction i feel we got with exo this concert... after having a taste of it at the start, i was subsequently kinda bummed we didn’t get to do this back-and-forth talking with exo (even at a shallow level) likely because of a language barrier. it felt so cool.

also, eribong v.3 was SUPER PRETTY WITH COLOURS. IT WAS MAGICAL, I SAY, MAGICAL.

the entire spectrum could be shown on this eribong. this pic more or less covers the softer range of colours this eribong is capable of. it can also show the harsh red, blue, green, yellow, and of course, white.

a 1-pixel screenshot of my Telegram video to my friend in the standing pen:

the boys were great, the performance was overall astounding, the lights and effects were stunning and pretty, and the time we spent together was too! short! exo also mentioned it’s a shame they could only come this one day for a concert, next time they’ll do two, no, THREE days... for their next album

exols: ganrklflm;fsklflkgsrkg

... WITH “THE REST OF THE MEMBERS”

exols: NAGJSK;NLDFNLGRS *EXPLODES*

tl;dr i love EXO with my entire heart. i count myself lucky for being alive at the same time exo is active and performing live.

[underimagines]

Pride Goeth

“--Before a fall. Rouxls decides he needs some help babysitting the Royal Pain, and lucky for you, he decides you're the perfect candidate to help him do it.”

3k One-Shot Commission: Rouxls Kaard/Reader

read it on ao3 | tip-jar | commission info

Rouxls looked like he was going to pass out.

“That zany oaf is always casting off his knave of a son to me. Do I looketh the part of a nanny? This was not within the constraints of mine contract!”

You nodded sympathetically, rubbing small circles across his back. Whatever Rouxls was made of—because you certainly couldn’t call it flesh, tingled against the touch of your palm.

“I used to babysit my neighbor’s kids all the time. It’s tough when they get to the age where they—how old is Lancer anyway?”

“The age where everything he does ist to sendeth me up the walls!”

That wasn’t exactly the answer you were looking for, but knowing Rouxls, it was probably the clearest answer you would end up getting.

“Uh-huh. So, where’s he at now?”

“In his chambers,” The elevator shuddered to a stop, and Rouxls bowed, ushering you out. “He’s been listening to those accursed MP3’s again! They are driving me mad!!”

Despite the wildness in his eyes, the dark circles beneath them spoke otherwise. His smile was locked into place, hands clasped in front of his chest as beads of sweat grew on his forehead.

“So that’s why I made to call thee here! Prithee,” in a flash he grabbed your shoulders, voice shaking as he clung to you, “Save me!”

The fact that he hadn’t added “eth” somewhere in the phrase made you know this was serious. Or maybe he’d just forgotten. It was probably the first option, though.

“Don’t worry about it, Rouxls. I’ve got this.”

“Oh, thank thee!” He fell to his knees, cradling your hands in his own as his shoulders shook with his sobs of relief. “I oweth thou a hundred kindnesses to taketh this weight off mine shoulders!”

You rolled your eyes, peeling his fingers away, one by one. “You’re such a drama queen.”

“Art not!” He gasped. “Just wait until you get a handful of this ruffian—then we will see whomst is the bigger drama queen!”

It didn’t matter if the kid was juggling knives in his room, you were pretty sure Rouxls was always going to own that title.

“Alright, alright.” You waved him off, smiling as a little pout crossed his features. “Just show me where Lancer is, and I’ll take over from here.”

“Prithee, do as thou wishes!” He waved you towards the ever-familiar spade-shaped doorway of Lancer’s room. “Take him off my hands for the rest of eternity, why don’t you??”

You knocked on the door, rolling your eyes again as Rouxls sulked off to the side.

“Lancer? You home, buddy?”

In a flash, the door swung open. Lancer bolted out, clutching your legs with a wide, toothy grin.

“Hey, it’s my friend!” He jumped up and down while continuing to hang onto you. “Are you here to hang out with me??”

His little tongue poked out as you ruffled the top of his head…cap, thing. “I sure am, buddy! What are you up to today?”

“Susie made me a new playlist!” He chirped.

“Oh, that’s nice,” you replied, smiling, “who’s Susie?”

“She’s my best friend!” His smile widened, dipping a little as he stated, “She’s not…um…from around here.”

That was code for: I’m hiding something. Rouxls gave you a dramatic stare, as if to say: “See what I’m dealing with?”

“How about we listen to your playlist together and you can tell me more about Susie?” You offered, allowing him to lead you through the door into his room.

It looked the same as it always did, complete with his bike tucked neatly into his bed. There was a nightcap perched atop the handlebars.

Lancer looked up at you and made a conspiratorial shushing motion. “He’s sleeping.”

“Oh, what’s wrong?” You asked, tilting your head. “Is he two tired?”

Like a chain reaction, Lancer burst into giggles, quickly followed by Rouxls throwing his head back and groaning in emotional agony.

He led you to the middle of his room, where his mp3 player sat waiting patiently. It was set on pause mid-song. Or cartoon sound effect compilation. It was hard to tell with Lancer.

“Okay, okay! You use this one, and I’ll use this one!” He instructed, handing you one of the ear buds, and slipping the other under his cap.

You did as he said, sitting and waiting patiently as he scrolled through the list of options.

“Um, I think…you’ll like…this one!” He stopped finally, and pressed play.

A deafening screech blasted straight into your brain, knocking you backwards with shock. Lancer started headbanging. Rouxls stood, leaning against the wall, and giving you a sympathetic grimace.

“Isn’t it awesome?” Lancer yelled, despite the fact that you were right next to him. “Susie’s so cool, and she’s got the best taste in music!!”

You forced yourself to smile, holding the bud just away from the shell of your ear. You could still hear the song blaring through, loud and clear, even from that distance. It made you cringe, wondering exactly how Lancer’s little ears could deal with it. Or where his ears were at all.

“Does Susie always listen to this kind of music?” You asked, hoping to turn the conversation away from actually listening to it.

Lancer nodded energetically. “She’s so badass!”

He stopped, clapping his hands over his mouth with a gasp. Immediately, he turned to look from you to Rouxls.

“Excuseth me?” Oh boy, you knew that tone. “What didst thou just say, worme?”

“I said cool!” Lancer rushed to backtrack his statement. “Susie is really, really cool!”

“That ist most certainly not what thou had sayeth!” Rouxls threw his hands up in the air, as if pleading with the heavens to grant him mercy. “Truly, I’m not sure who to blame more, you, your father, or your new friends!”

“I vote we blame Spades.” You added simply.

“Me too.” Lancer mumbled, looking down at the floor. “Dad says bad words all the time.”

“That is because your father is—” Rouxls started, his hands curled into claws in front of him. He stopped suddenly, turning to glance at the doorway. Nobody was there, but he still stepped closer, his voice dropping into a whisper. “Not the most respectable of role models!!”

The three of you went still after that, practically expecting to hear Spades screaming all the way from his throne room. The man had ears like a hawk. After a few seconds of silence, you relaxed.

“So, what’s on the agenda for today?” You asked Lancer, crossing your legs into a more comfortable sitting position.

His mouth opened, but no sound came out. He stopped, one finger crooked up in an explanative pose. Slowly, it wilted back down as his expression fell.

“Uh…I don’t know. I didn’t think anyone was coming over, so I didn’t plan anything.”

Lancer’s tongue poked out as he pouted. “I’m sorry, I’m a bad friend.”

“You’re not a bad friend, sweetheart.” You assured him. “We can make our own plans!”

“Yeah…”

You thought for a moment. “Last time I was here you were practicing riding your bike, weren’t you?”

“Yeah?”

“So,” drawing the word out, you gestured with your hands, “how’s that been going?”

“Good!” He sat, still scrolling through the mp3 player. Suddenly, with a gasp, Lancer dropped it, jumping to his feet with his arms outstretched at his sides. “Oh! I know what we can do!! I can show you my new moves!!!”

Rouxls buried his face in his hand and groaned.

Lancer stuck his tongue out at him. “Don’t pay attention to him, he’s just jealous of my sweet bike skills!”

“Oh, please.” Came the sassy reply. “I could careth less about thy childish exploits.”

“You don’t even know how to ride a bike! I bet you couldn’t even do a wheelie.”

“Is that a challenge?”

“Yeah!!” Lancer’s grin grew wild. “You have to do a wheelie on my bike. If I win, you have to be my butler for a whole day!”

{Is that not what I am already…?} You could practically hear the thought in Rouxls’s mind. He seemed to consider it for a moment, before his own smile skewed up in a playfully malicious way.

“Deal! But thou must solveth one of mine puzzles. If thou were to lose, thou must give me peace and quiet for the rest of the day! Not a peep from thy worme-y little mouth!”

“Oh no!” Lancer tugged on your sleeve, one hand held up over his mouth to shield his face as he whispered. “Lesser Dad’s puzzles are really hard!”

Bless his little heart. You’d been dealing with Rouxls and his…”puzzles” from Day One, and through all that time, you had yet to see something more creative than a box and a button.

But you had to give him credit, he was dedicated to his style, if anything.

“So, who’s going to be the judge?”

“Why, thou, of course!” Rouxls chirped as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

And that was how you found yourself watching Lancer stare at a box for what had to be the past five solid minutes.

He stood there, tongue sticking out of the side of his mouth, and a look of utter concentration on his face. Lancer tapped the side of his cheek, circling around the puzzle over and over. Like he was trying to find the best angle to approach it from.

Rouxls stood off to the side, striking that dramatic pose that you’d come to know so well, with his arms spread wide, hands twisted towards the sky. You’d lovingly dubbed it his “T Pose.” It certainly came off as a sign of dominance, at least.

“Victory is mine!” He cackled, looking so proud of himself for being able to outwit a child. “Grovel in the dirt, worme, and bow before the almighty puzzle-making skills of—"

Lancer pushed the box. It landed on the neighboring button with a resounding click.

Rouxls expression froze, eyes wide as his smile sat crooked on his face. You could see sweat beading on his forehead, his fingers tensing back into claws as he hissed between grit teeth.

“God. Dammit.”

“I did it!” Lancer cheered, planting his hands on his hips. He turned towards you both on his ankle, chest puffed up at his accomplishment.

You clapped, if just for the sake of pity. “You sure did, and it only took you, what, seven minutes?”

“Six and a half!” He crowed proudly. His tongue remained half-revealed in playful jest as he stabbed a finger in the frozen advisor’s direction. “That 1-0, Lesser Dad! At this rate, you might as well give up now!”

“Oh, I’ll show you, you little—” Rouxls voice dropped into an inaudible grumble. He was visibly seething over the loss. You sighed, patting his shoulder reassuringly.

“Well, it’s your turn, hon.”

His eyes were pleading as he turned to you. “Don’t I get a bonus for…I don’t knoweth, emotional relevance? My charm? My wit?”

“As the judge, I have a right to reserve my bias.” You stated calmly, biting back the urge to grin at the frustration that flashed across his handsome face.

“Blast it all!” Rouxls shouted. “Bring on the challenge, then! Whatever thou can do, I can most certainly do better!”

“I can do anything better than you!” Lancer shouted back.

“No, thou can’t!”

“Yes, I can!”

“No, thou can’t!” Rouxls took a step forward.

“Yes, I can!” Lancer repeated the action.

“No, thou can’t!” Rouxls screamed, throwing his hands up.

“Yes, I can!” Lancer stomped his feet, practically throwing a tantrum. “Yes, I can!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” You pushed between them, resting one hand on your boyfriend’s chest, and the other on the little prince’s cap. “Nothing’s been decided yet. You’re up, Rouxls.”

“But! But!” His squinted at you, leaning in to whisper in a vicious tone. “I don’t know how to ride a bike!!”

“That’s not my problem.” Honestly, you kind of felt bad for him. But Rouxls had brought this totally on himself for picking a fight with a little kid, so you figured knocking him off his high horse wouldn’t be the most terrible thing to happen to him.

Watching him try to keep his balance on Lancer’s bike, however, was absolutely pitiful. It was one size too small, enough that he had to hunch of the whole thing just to fit on it. His long legs stuck out in crooked angles as he tried to keep them steady on the pedals. Every so often, the bike would wiggle a little, and Rouxls would immediately put his feet down to keep from falling.

He looked so pathetic. It took everything in you not to laugh.

Instead, you did what you hoped was the right choice. You cheered him on.

“Come on, Rouxls!” You called. “You’ve got this, I believe in you!”

Lancer followed with, “Nah, he’ll never get it!”

You gave him a pointedly unamused look, to which he just cackled in that impish, high-pitched way, kicking back to watch the show.

Rouxls pushed his foot down on one pedal. The bike pushed forward, agonizingly slow. But even that alone was enough to bring a triumphant smile to his face. “I did it!”

“You’re doing it!” You shouted encouragingly. “Good job!”

He pushed the other pedal, scooting a bit more. Bit by bit, he began pedaling in long, even strides. The bike sailed down the walkway, with Rouxls whooping the entire time.

“I did it! I’m riding a bike!” His voice was missing its usual dramatic flair, replaced entirely with completely genuine joy. Rouxls peered over his shoulder, grinning widely at you both in a way that begged for karmic retribution. “Look, wormes, and despair, as I—!”

Sure enough, while he was distracted, Rouxls missed the conveniently position rock that laid in his path. The bike jumped at it hit the blockage, curving in a beautiful arc that sent both it and Rouxls sailing through the air.

You winced as you watched him absolutely eat it. Thankfully the roads weren’t made of pavement, or else he would really have crashed and burned. The bike was utterly smashed, the wheels bent, and handlebars twisted beyond repair. It was amazing what could happen in a matter of moments.

Lancer jumped to his feet, clutching his face in horror, as he stared open-mouthed at the wreckage. “Nooo!!!”

“Do not worry!” A hand shot up from the crumpled pile that was Rouxls. He slowly pulled himself into a sitting position, smiling assuredly as Lancer rushed towards him.

“Do not fret, young worme, for I hath survived—”

Lancer rushed past him and collapsed on the pile of bent and twisted metal, sobbing hysterically. “My bike!! My brand-new bike!!!”

“You have got impeccable timing.” You muttered, crouching down next to your shocked boyfriend. His jaw hung open, eyes bugged out in sheer disbelief, with his arm still outstretched to welcome the embrace that never came.

He watched the little prince drop to his knees, lifting the remains of the bike up like he was cradling a body. As he threw his head back to howl mournfully, Rouxls rolled his eyes.

“I cannot believe— Oh, yes, worme! Fret over thy toy and completely shun thy Lesser Father!” He pouted dramatically, glaring daggers at the bike.

Lancer’s only response was a long, drawn out comedic shriek. “WHEELIE!!!”

You snort-giggled into your palm, your smile only growing as Rouxls turned his cross expression to you. You offered him a half-hearted apologetic shrug. “Sorry.”

He sighed and leaned back, resting back on his arms as he stared up towards the pitch-black expanse looming above you both. “Well, I suppose this dictates that I’ve lost the duel?”

“In terms of successfully doing something? Yeah, definitely. Unless you want to count the crash as—” The daggers he was glaring at you had you cutting off your statement with another round of giggles. “Sorry.”

He sighed deeply, eyes closing as his body heaved with the dramatic effort. Only to look back up, peeking at you curiously as you quietly followed with, “In terms of making this the best day I’ve had all week? You’d take first place with no contest.”

His expression was thoughtful for a moment. Then, he smiled softly. His dark eyes sparkled. “Well, despite mine screw-ups, I must say that having thou with me hast made this…quite a good day for me, too.”

You joined him on your back, the both of you staring up at the sky in a contemplative silence. Your fingers drew together, palms clasped as you intertwined your fingers. Rouxls squeezed your hand affectionately. You smiled.

“Thank ye,” he spoke after a moment. “For being here.”

“Thanks for inviting me.” You replied simply, squeezing his hand in return.

Though the Dark World was kind of plain, there was something about it that made it feel like Home to you. More than likely, Rouxls played a great part in that nostalgic, welcoming sensation. And you suspected that he felt the same.

Lancer came to join you a moment later. He was still obviously miffed, but he didn’t say a word. Sniffling, he just plopped down between you both. Your bodies cradled him, and he snuggled into the cocoon, his tiny hands propped behind his head.

He seemed more than comfortable, and you couldn’t help but think that this was a kind of situation that he didn’t get to experience often. Though he was upset over his bike, he relaxed almost immediately as you both shifted to give him a little more room.

“Hey,” Lancer said, turning his head up to look at Rouxls, “are you okay, Lesser Dad?”

“Yes, worme,” came Rouxls’s reply. He glanced from Lancer, to you, and then back up. His voice was gentle and filled with a warmth that had your heart fluttering in your chest. “I am more than alright.”

“Good.” Out poked that tiny tongue. “Because dad is gonna be so mad.”

My first time writing a Deltarune-related fic! I had so much fun with this prompt, imagining Rouxls trying (and failing) to ride Lancer's bike was an absolute blast. As always, thanks to my lovely commissioner, who's been working with me for a couple years now! You're incredible & I appreciate you more than words can say.

(Also I'd like to apologize for the butchered Shakespearean dialect--and the silly "Annie Get Your Gun" reference.)

Thanks for reading!! ❤

- Mod Mellow

[whistlingpig]

I’m going to vanish for a while, but before I do, I think I should explain myself so nobody gets the wrong idea:

A few days ago, I stumbled across a TikTok video of a fat girl showing off her bathing suit. Against my better judgement, I looked at the comment section. It was filled with trolls repeating the same tired fat jokes I’ve heard a thousand times before. At this point, they shouldn’t hurt. But they do. And I haven’t been able to get them out of my head

Every time I’m forced to share the same space with another human being, I find myself wondering... do they feel this way about me? Are they offended by my stomach, my rolls, my chins? Are they just pretending to be nice? 

It’d be different if being fat was the only thing I had working against me, but I’m also extremely socially awkward, stupid, and uncoordinated. I stumble over my words, I lisp, I blurt out dumb observations at the wrong times, ask questions with obvious answers. Furniture creaks when I sit on it, I breathe heavy, I’m clumsy/accident prone, and I’m ugly! 

If I had my way, I’d live like a hermit. I’ve never enjoyed socializing; it’s draining for me. Even after a positive social interaction, I need to retreat to the safety of my bedroom and recharge for several days As the saying goes: you don’t just marry a person - you marry the whole family. It’s true. And for me, it’s been a never-ending nightmare of awkward exchanges. I’m quite certain at this point that my father-in-law despises me. Why wouldn’t he, after all? I’ve never given him a reason to like me! I believe my mother-in-law simply tolerates me because it’s necessary in order to keep in contact with her beloved son. I think... long before we ever actually met, they formed negative opinions of me based on things Jim told them: that I was an alcoholic, that I was in and out of the hospital for various ‘mystery’ ailments, that I was pushy, physically violent when drunk, mentally ill, and unable to work. I’m definitely not the person they hoped their son would spend the rest of his life with

It’s not my intention to catalogue every passive-aggressive remark my in-laws make around me.. I don’t want to be the kind of person who collects grievances and plays the victim-card. That’s what my sister does! However, because I have such thin skin, I find it difficult to let other peoples’ comments roll off my back

A couple of recent examples: 

- My MIL asked Jim and me to take a couple photos of her with her husband. We happily obliged. When we’d finished, she insisted they turn the camera on us. I laughed it off and said I don’t do photos. She just wouldn’t take no for an answer, though.. She kept telling us to pose. Jim could sense I was panicking - he pulled his mom aside to explain that I’m very uncomfortable with having my photo taken. She finally relented and I thought “whew, crisis averted!”. But later, as we were standing on the porch together, she turned to me and said, “if I ever take a photo of you, just know I’m not trying to steal your soul.” I just laughed. She doesn’t know I used to spend hours photographing myself from different angles, then circling the parts of my body I hated most. She doesn’t know I used to cover my mirrors. She doesn’t know how unhealthy my relationship with my own body is. And how could she? It’s my problem, not hers! But her flippant remark not only hurt my feelings, it made me feel as if my past trauma had somehow inconvenienced HER. I should have sucked it up and let her take the photo. She would have showed it to us. I would have spent the night having a meltdown. I wanted to avoid that

- We accompanied my MIL to the church to look at leftovers from a rummage sale. The idea was to get some cheap clothes/shoes. As soon as we arrived, I started looking for things I might be able to wear. Jim wandered off to the other end of the building to look at toys. He kept holding up silly items to show me and at one point I jokingly said, “hey, you aren’t even looking at clothes!!” His mom must have thought I was genuinely angry because she kinda snapped at me that “he can look at other things if he wants.” Jim and I engage in playful banter all the time; neither of us are serious! It isn’t the first time she’s felt the need to rush to his defense when she didn’t like the way we were kidding around. It’s kind of bizarre? She got angry when we were going through his old school journals and laughing at the misspelled words/crayon drawings. We weren’t laughing at JIM! Just at the silly things he wrote/drew.

- Today I was putting together a small package for my mom. I went in the bedroom to get a piece of paper for a note & when I came back out to the living room, Jim was gone. I said, “I never know where my husband goes! He vanished again!” My FIL replied: “It’s a husband thing. He’s doing it to save himself.” Maybe he said protect? I can’t recall. Either way, the gist of the joke was that husbands need to get away from their wives so they don’t go crazy. I laughed and sarcastically said, “oh come on, I know he loves spending every waking moment of his life with me.” Didn’t catch whatever FIL said next, but I think it must’ve been mean-spirited or something because MIL apologized on his behalf. This was shortly before I was reminded of the 4th of July, 2018. When I was pressured into trying to ride a horse, AFTER I’d expressed concerns over my weight being an issue. She insisted I try to get in the saddle, even though I wasn’t comfortable. It ended with her in the ER with a dislocated shoulder. Jack was furious. Today I was reminded about how he had to drive her to the ER and spend the evening in the waiting room with a bunch of weirdos. Just a joke, of course. But not really. Because he really was angry. And it really did ruin his night. But just a joke, of course.

I feel like everyone expected some sort of magical transformation to occur as soon as I was removed from the toxic shithole I used to live in. Maybe they thought I’d “come out of my shell”? That, instead of being overwhelmed, I’d embrace the idea of joining their enormous family and fit right in! The opposite happened. At first, I forced myself to be around them... As time went on, I returned to my reclusive lifestyle. Keeping others at arm’s length might make me look like a snob, but it’s how I’ve always been. It probably won’t change any time soon.

MIL and I are very different. When I get a package, I wait for the UPS driver to leave before I run out to grab it. She’ll meet the UPS driver at the door and have a 45-minute conversation with him

Anyway, the bottom line is.... I don’t belong here. After almost a year, I can say that with confidence. I’m not cut out to be part of a family! This has been weighing on my mind heavily for the past several months. Now I’m beginning to obsess over my weight/appearance again. I’m an insecure mess. I’m also rationing my medications........ it’s a perfect recipe for disaster

The other night, Jim’s cousin asked us over for hot dogs & drinks. I made an appearance - ONLY because it’s been so long since I’ve seen him and his girlfriend. I don’t want them to think I’m avoiding them! I feel like it didn’t go very well, though... As a fat person, eating in front of others is always complicated. On the one hand, I don’t want to offend the host by refusing food they cooked specifically for me. On the other, I don’t want to attract attention by being a fat woman eating a hot dog, lmao. The right thing to do would have been to decline - to give the impression I actually give a rat’s ass about my weight. Jim’s cousin’s girlfriend did that - and she probably only weighs like 100 pounds. I noticed, every time I took a bite of my hot dog, she stared. Why? Because you’re disgusted? Entertained? Are you asking yourself what my husband sees in me? You ignore everything I post on Instagram, but you like everything my husband posts. I notice these things. I wish I didn’t, but I do. I drank a cider. I got tipsy. I laughed a little too loud at jokes that weren’t funny. My teeth were throbbing. I made a bad impression. She kept looking at me, but every time I tried to make eye contact, she turned away

I could lose weight. By that, I mean, it’s physically possible. Do I have the self-control to stop guzzling soda and eating fast food? Probably not. But I’m off the market, I’m married, my husband likes to grind his hard dick against my stomach and knead my love-handles while I lie on top of him. Does it matter what anyone else thinks? I guess it does. Maybe It does when nobody knows he likes me this way. That he tells me he prefers fat women

Yeah, I could lose weight. Do I really want to, though? If I lost 100 pounds & suddenly began receiving compliments from the same people who treated me like a leper when I was fat.... Would I want that? No. You can take your beauty-standards and shove them up your ass. I don’t want to lose weight to win the approval of people who wouldn’t give me the time of day when I was fat

But it isn’t her fault she was disgusted by me. She takes care of her body

You know what I want? More than anything? Money. Enough money to live comfortably. Alone. I don’t want to die. I just want to remove myself from this bad situation. Live in solitude. Give Jim back to his family

And I want to vanish from the internet, too. Because if you knew me in real life, you’d be disappointed. If you like me online, it just means I’ve somehow managed to fool you. I would like to be forgotten! Move on, make real friends, and succeed!

I’m not stupid. I mean, I am. But I’m aware my social media accounts are just a source of entertainment for the handful of people who follow ‘em. I’m not quite... oh, what do they call it on Kiwifarms? A Lolcow? My meltdowns occur on a small, mostly empty corner of the internet. At least they’re still funny

Thanks for reading, if you did. I’ll be going now.

[stonecoldhedwig]

Et puis, épuisée // And then, exhausted

This article was posted in the summer of 2019 by Pauline Harmange, but it’s something that has resonated with me ever since I read it in August 2020. I find myself returning to it, thinking about it.

There’s one phrase that hums around in my head a lot from it: J’aurais pu faire sans toutes les micro-agressions d’un quotidien qui n’a pas de place pour les doutes. J’aurais pu apprendre dans la douceur. // I could have done without all the micro-aggressions of a daily life that has no room for doubt. I could have learned gently.

I’ve translated it into English below (thank you, trusty French dictionary), trying to keep the tone of the original piece in mind. Numbered footnotes are the author’s, asterixes are mine.

Tw: abortion; pregnancy; sexism

For several weeks, I’ve been trying to write this article, and I can’t find the right angle. I want, or even need, to talk about the questions I’ve been posing to myself for months now about femininity, about what it is to be a woman at the moment, but how do I talk about all this without falling into an incredible pathos? I feel so out-of-touch with Insta accounts and the warrior-witch-superwoman trend, I don’t know how to articulate these intense, almost negative emotions that come over me as soon as I start to think about it.

Because I’m going to be very honest: right now, I’m exhausted by being a woman.

Before I became a feminist, I was a girl, and that was enough*; it didn’t cause me any headaches. Once I became a feminist, I had to question a lot of things: why I denigrated girls more feminine than me, why I forced myself to wax when I didn’t like it, why I let men comment on my appearance and didn’t stand up for myself, or why I was scared when I was out on the street by myself. It was tiring, but I didn’t feel myself being overwhelmed by the weight of a burden too heavy for me. The truth was that I needed to take breaks. To create sacred rituals that celebrated my period, or to read books with hypernormative gender representations, so as to forget for a few seconds the numbers that made me feel sick (which numbers? Simply put, all of them, because they are all horrible).

And then, I was betrayed by my own flesh. I got pregnant when I had an IUD. (1) I experienced a heartbreak that it is illusory to want to put into words: the heartbreak of ending a pregnancy that should never have occurred, even though I’ve wanted a child for a long time. I nurtured, and still nurture, a black anger towards this life (this society, too) for forcing me to make a choice I don’t regret. How complicated life is.

And ever since that moment, I have had the feeling that life is becoming even more complicated. I feel like I’m suffering. Suffering because my body has struggled to recover from its tiny 5 weeks of pregnancy. Suffering because of my Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, which ruins my life, as well as suffering from my contraception because no matter where I look, there’s no ideal solution. I am suffering the after-effects of an anorexic adolescence, strewn with bad people, which has crippled the way I look at myself. I suffer that mental load, always so strong, when my IUD is removed and I have to calculate the risk, and deal with the terror of getting pregnant again, the reminders on my phone not to forget my pill, waiting for the next period. I suffer the mood swings, the water retention, the irritability, I suffer that sticky feeling every month before I bleed, of not being able to do anything, especially of not being able to create.

I am even more affected than before by what I already felt: that I am a woman, socialised as such, and that if I want to exist in this world, I must constantly do violence** to myself. In a utopian version of life, I wouldn't need to force myself to speak louder, I wouldn't need to fake it till I make it, I wouldn't have to take on more masculine ways and a self-confidence that I don't have. Because in a utopian version of life, doubts, fragility, sadness and uncertainty would be respected, and I would not be encouraged to be someone other than myself. My body betrays me there again (unless it’s just too faithful this time): whenever I’m confronted with a situation where I don’t want to have to pretend, I sweat a bitter sweat that confirms to me I’m going against what I am. I was going to say “against my nature”, but that’s not it; against my culture, perhaps, or against what I was educated to be. (2) 

I'm exhausted by being a feminist, but then again, what can I do about it? I cannot take a vacation from my downtrodden condition, nor from my empathy for the horrible things happening all over the world. I am exhausted though, and angry too, for being a permanent spokesperson for my cause but speaking in an echo chamber. Writing those feminist articles that only women will read. Reading those feminist books and talking about them with other women. I don't listen to any feminist podcasts, by the way, because I'm fed up with content that doesn't teach me much (3) and I'm sickened to see so few men taking their place (silent and humble) in the discussion. What good are all these podcasts and all these articles and all these books, if it's women who buy them, consume them and then regurgitate them to the men around them? Who compensates for the time spent, the energy wasted in teaching men too lazy, too selfish and too vain to educate themselves? (4)

Maybe that's why I don't identify at all with movements of self-gratitude or of celebrating femininity. Being a woman and realising it has made me harder on myself and on others (for example, I really don't have any patience with men anymore, and I’m not ready to apologise). Certainly, I'm stronger, too. I know better how to say no, I know my body better, I have much better tools to manage conflicts than the ones I started with, I let myself do less and I pretend better. But I am convinced that I could have acquired all this knowledge without the violence inherent in a society that does not really want us, we who are not able-bodied, old and wealthy cis-straight white men. I could have done without all the micro-aggressions of a daily life that has no room for doubt. I could have learned gently.

There are, of course, unexpected joys that being a woman brings me. When I read an excellent book written by a brilliant woman, I am overcome with the emotion of being inspired, and I also allow myself (which I never would have done before) to include myself in the circle of these creative women, I allow myself to feel close to them. When I think of the women around me, incredible in their strength, their refusal to compromise, their talents, I am filled with incredible gratitude, because I finally know how to recognise that the work, the luck and the happiness of my sisters do not diminish the value of mine.

But I’ve never had the courage to be a role model, an “inspiring” woman. To exist, women must either fit into boxes (do we really exist then?), or get out of them in a total, radical and claimed way. So much work, once again. I was thinking about this issue this summer as I considered my body hair: to shave? not to shave? I realised that as soon as I went out with visible hairy legs, I tended to dress better, do my hair, and even put on makeup, thus carrying the image of an assumed feminist, whose hair is a message, a standard. Actually, I'm just a big slacker with hyperpilosity, but without my drastic disguise, I was afraid I would simply portray an image of a neglected woman.

It makes no sense, it's not even a liberation anymore. I am discouraged.

I know that it's my fault too, it’s up to me to take a step back and let go, and that my anger and exhaustion are symptoms to deal with, not necessarily emotions from which I will draw positive things in order to move forward. (5) Still, I am where I am today. At war. Feeling like I’m not very far from losing, by the way.

I'm going to take a vacation (from the internet, from life, and from myself) and put things back in an order that makes sense. Who knows, maybe if I put my head deep enough in the sand, when I bring it out in September, the patriarchy will have been abolished? We can but dream.

________________________

(1) Yes, it does happen, but no, it’s not common. Whenever I mention it, women around me who have an IUD look at me in horror and I feel compelled to reassure them, as if I was the only one in the world to whom this could happen. This is not the case, and I do not have the energy to reassure, I’m afraid.

(2) You might call it “stepping out of your comfort zone”, but listen, after a while staying in your comfort zone doesn’t strike me as a delusion-like desire***.

(3) I'm not saying that to brag; it's just that after almost 10 years of feminism and a passion for reading, I'm relatively familiar with a lot of the topics that are now more mainstream.

(4) You don’t need to write to tell me “not all men”. Thank you in advance!

(5) We could talk forever about the idea of “positive”, about how it is often a way of silencing our anger and sweeping away injustices, and that it is a new, fashionable way of policing women, but hey... we need another article for that, and this is not it.

________________________

*the term used in the original article is basta; the Italian for stop. I've treated it as an equivalent of ça suffit, or “that’s enough”.

**I was a bit iffy on whether this should be do violence to or violate so French speakers who are less rusty than me, please forgive me xoxo

***It honestly took me about twenty four reads to work out what this sentence meant, but I did learn the verb “to strike”, so there we are.

[fatgirlwritesscenarios]

Dancing Shoes and Silver Strings: Chapter 1

((So...my three day weekend is coming to an end- sad llama- so it’s probably not a good idea for me to start a chaptered fic, but here we are! I literally don’t even know where this came from. Out of the clear blue, that’s where it came from. I don’t know! I just thought the idea of Soonyoung being head over heels for someone who wasn’t a dancer, but a musician- kind of like his polar opposite, you know?- was cute! I had this idea of him staring all starry-eyed at them while they tune their instrument or played a song just for the hell of it. Anyway, we’ll see how this goes. I don’t foresee this having a lot of chapters, so it should end quickly, but cleanly. Bear with me! And enjoy!))

((P.S.- The song Y/N is paying is “Prism” by Lindsey Stirling. Just in case you want to look it up and listen to it.))

Pairing: SoonyoungxChubby-Black!Reader

Genre: Fluff

Word Count: 1,983

Summary: In Soonyoung’s eyes, you hung the moon and 3PM is the only time it’s acceptable for him to openly admire you without coming off as creepy. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The walls in the dance studio shook and absorbed the bass bouncing in every corner, quick moving feet scuffing the shiny wood floor while a chorus of voices meshed together, competing with the blasting music. The air was heavy with sweat and body heat, but Soonyoung doesn’t notice or care, too lost in the rhythm and beat of his newest choreography. After four consecutive hours of non-stop dancing, his body aches and begs for relief, but he just needs one more minute…one more move and perfect pivot.

The song ends, as does his dance. Flawlessly, I might add, and those who were watching him and his dance mates practice broke into impressed applause. Soonyoung smiled bashfully, but doesn’t hold back the pride swelling in his chest. They have been working on that number for the past week, preparing for an upcoming competition, and it was only right then that they finally executed it perfectly.

“Hyung, how did we do this time?” Chan, their youngest yet one of their most talented members, asked through his panting, sweat trickling from his temple.

“Not a step out of place,” Soonyoung answered with a grin, looking at his three main dancers and then at the rest of the troupe, “Everyone, you did an amazing job today! We finally got the dance down to a T. I’m proud of all of you!”

The small group applauded themselves with Jun, Minghao, and Chan standing off to the side, the three of them just radiating their own sense of accomplishment.

“The competition is next week, so make sure you take care of yourselves until then. Continue to practice on your own and make sure to attend the rest of our club meetings. I should be getting the competition schedule soon and will keep you guys updated. Break!”

Everyone clapped and then disbursed, gossiping excitedly amongst each other. Soonyoung went over to where he placed his duffle bag, dropping down next to it with a deep sigh and rummaging around in it for his towel and water. Jun, Minghao, and Chan joined him once they cooled down themselves, chattering about classes, professors, upcoming projects and the competition. Soonyoung, for the most part, just listened while scrolling through his emails and social media, chuckling some when Chan started complaining about his Korean History professor being a hard-ass.

“I swear she has a personal vendetta against me! Every single time she poses a question to the whole class, she picks on me first to answer it,” he explained, leaning against the wall, “She doesn’t call out anyone else by name. Just me!”

“Maybe she’s got a thing for you and that’s her way of making you notice her,” Jun joked, laughing at the disgusted scowl marring Chan’s features.

“Ugh, I think I’m gonna be sick,” Chan grumbled, taking a swig of his water, “She’s as old as my mom!”

“I thought you liked the noonas,” Minghao joined in, smirking.

Chan’s eyes nearly bugged out, “She’s not a noona anymore!”

Soonyoung laughed at Chan’s distress, holding his stomach and nudging Chan’s leg with his foot, “Hey, think about it this way: if you play along, you’ll be set for an ‘A’ for the rest of the semester.”

“NO!”

The three older boys had their fun teasing Chan, the younger threatening to walk out if they didn’t shut up, but Soonyoung pulled back and busied himself with his phone again when a Snap from Seokmin came through.

It was a random shot of his laptop with what looks to be a new project he was working on for Video Production, the caption ‘Prof might actually kick me out for this one’ pasted over it. Soonyoung smiled, always amused by Seokmin and his antics, before swiping out of the app…and that’s he saw the time.

2:55 PM. His heart dropped into his stomach. “Shit, I have to go!” he exclaimed, jumping up and snatching his bag off the ground.

“What’s the hurry?” Jun questioned.

“It’s almost 3!” was the only answer he got as Soonyoung sprinted out of the practice room; he didn’t need to say anything else, though. The grinning boys already knew where he was running off to.

With renewed strength and vigor, Soonyoung ran as fast as his tired legs would allow him to through the university campus, drawing curious gazes as he sped past groups of his peers. He cut a 10 minute walk in half and arrived at the Performing Arts Auditorium in just under five minutes, crashing through the doors and stumbling towards the seating area. Luckily, the lights had been dimmed where he entered and none of the theater kids at the front noticed him or his noisy entrance.

With a hop and a skip, Soonyoung quickly took a seat in the middle row, close enough to the stage to see everyone clearly, but far away enough to not be spotted easily. Panting breathlessly, he eyed the small number of students studying the musical arts that were scattered on the stage, searching for one musician in particular, the only reason why he broke his personal best sprinting record to be at the auditorium in the first place.

“I don’t see her,” he mumbled to himself, craning his neck to try and look around the piano set off to the left, “Did I miss her? Did she not come?”

Disappointment started to creep up on him, Soonyoung slowly deflating in his seat until; “Y/N, where are you?! We’re getting ready to rehearse now.”

He sat up ramrod straight, eyes wide and ears tingling as the most lyrical voice he’s ever heard in his life fluttered in the air, “Coming! Coming!”

There you were: gorgeous, stunning, as adorable as a puppy in a teacup. Your bushel of sun-dyed curls were pulled away from your face and into a thick ponytail, displaying that nose so broad, those eyes so sweet, and those lips so full. Dark skin like mahogany and chubby, plump body reminiscent of a Renaissance-era painting, you scuttled back onto the stage and slid into your seat, a soft cloth in hand that you used to wipe down the strings of your violin.

Soonyoung felt all the air in his lungs rush out in a swift gust, his heart performing a happy little dance as a result of seeing ‘the love of his life’ as he liked to call you. He watched you giggle and chat with your friends while carefully tending to your violin, a gun-metal silver piece that you lovingly polished and tuned with gentle hands. Soonyoung was so strung up on you, he actually felt jealous of your violin.

“Alright, ladies and gentlemen, let me have your attention please,” the musical director called over the din of gossiping youth, silence immediately following, “As you know, the showcase is in one week and while I am well aware that all of you are practicing hard and taking advantage of the open auditorium and the practice rooms, I thought it would benefit the lot of you to practice your pieces together in the same order that you will appear in the showcase. Give each other proper feedback and help where you can, okay?”

A chorus of okays filled the air, the director smiling before holding up a sheet of paper in front of her, “So let’s begin. First, we have…”

Piece after piece was performed, a combination of duets and solos that came in one after the other. There would be fifteen performances in total and Soonyoung would wait- however impatient- through every single one until it was your turn. He entertained himself by studying you: how you sat with your hands folded in your lap and your ankles tucked under the chair, how you paid close attention to each piece and smiled encouragingly if anyone stumbled. Oh, that smile- so perfect and welcoming. That smile was what captivated him the very first time he saw you. He dreamed of that smile, mostly of it being directed at him, but the chances of that happening were slim to none for one reason…

You didn’t even know he existed.

Before Soonyoung could start sulking over his non-existent love life with you, the director calling your name broke his thoughts and made him perk right up. You took to the stage in excited steps- almost skipping, really- and your engraved violin in hand. Your fellow performers, and the small audience that liked to watch the musicians practice in the auditorium, clapped encouragingly for you, their collective energy buzzing in anticipation for your performance.

Soonyoung perched himself on the edge of his seat, his eyes fixated on the way you spread your feet just so, turned your body at a comfortable angle, tucked the violin underneath your chin and then…

And then…the first notes fluttered in the air, singing a playful song that tickled your insides and made you smile. Soonyoung sighed dreamily, folding his arms on the back of the chair in front of him and planting his chin in the crook. He floated away with your song into a realm of colors and crystals, cotton candy clouds and lollipops. Your violin sang and shrieked its joy under your fingers, your hips moving to the beat of the song itself. The expression on your face was pure elation as you lost yourself to the music. Playing that violin, you looked the same way Soonyoung felt when dancing:

Immeasurably happy.

All too soon for Soonyoung, the last notes sliced through the air and faded into silence. A nanosecond later, the auditorium filled with applause. A flustered smile played across your lips, one you tried to hide behind your hand, and you bowed in gratitude towards the audience and then the other musicians. You took your seat right after and Soonyoung no longer cared about the last three acts that came after you.

At the end, once everyone had their run, the director took to the center stage once more, clapping proudly for her students; “Good job, everyone! That was spectacular! The showcase is going to be an amazing event. You all did so well!” she praised, the musicians preening, “Well, then, I believe that is all for now. You are free to remain and practice if you would like, but remember the Advanced Theater class will be arriving in an hour. Oh! And before I forget, please show your appreciation to Lee Jihoon for stepping in as our accompanying pianist for today since our regular one has the flu.”

Everyone’s head turned- Soonyoung’s mostly snapped- to the baby grand piano where a rather short male with dyed auburn hair and dimples deeper than space had been sitting and playing. Jihoon nodded to the other musicians with a polite smile, bowing his head respectfully while the rest greeted him and thanked him in kind. Soonyoung didn’t even notice that Jihoon had been there the whole time. He had been busy focusing on more important things such as you and your adorable giggles that added at least one year to his life each time he heard them.

“Have a good day, everyone! See you at the showcase!” the director said, promptly making her leave of the auditorium.

Mindless murmuring filled the air as soon as she bid her goodbye, the musicians mingling amongst each other and gushing about the upcoming showcase while Soonyoung sat rooted to his seat. He wondered, with eyes shifting back and forth between you and Jihoon, if he was finally lucky enough to have found a direct line to meeting you in person. From the friendly smile that Jihoon gave you as he approached you and the way you interacted back with him- speaking animatedly as if you were old friends- the answer was clear.

He was lucky enough, he did find his link, and he 100% planned on taking full advantage of being Jihoon’s friend to get close to you.

Ch.1 Ch.2 Ch.3 Ch.4

[lubdubsworld]

Under my Skin. ( Namjoon/Oc) (Yoongi/OC)

Author’s note : i would like to apologize for the completely unoriginal titles. i clearly suck at naming my fics, smh. 

Chapter 3 

“this is weird.” I say softly, propped up against the headboard of the bed, the thin white sheets covering me up, shoulders bare and stinging a bit from the cold air. Yoongi is lying on the opposite end of the bed, leaning back on huge pillows, my camera grasped firmly between long ivory white fingers as he snaps away a few pictures. He’s shirtless, chest bare and starkly white against the sheets, bed cover hanging lazily off his sharp hip bones. He’s all smooth skin and lean muscle, skin faintly flushed and sweaty. 

After a nice dinner, we had spent the night walking across the skywalk, while i snapped off some truly spectacular photos of the Seoul skyline. I realized during the course that Yoongi was a lot like me, laidback, casual and an easy going guy. 

“You have some amazing post-coital glow thing going on, seems a shame not to record it.” He says, going back to check the pictures. I’m pretty certain at least a few of those pics have nipple-slips. I make a mental note to delete them before my roommate accidentally saw them. 

“For posterity?” I grin. 

“For posterity.” His gummy smile is blinding, displaying sparkling white teeth and the whole thing is just unfairly adorable. 

  i shake my head and fumble for the bra that’s hanging off the lamp shade and his hand shoots out, gripping my wrist. 

“Don’t. You’re pretty this way.” He protests and I tug my hand away. 

“I’m cold.” I mutter in protest and he sits up, the camera placed to the side, forgotten already. I smile as he crawls over, drawing me in till I was cradled against him. 

“I’ll warm you up.” His lips pressed briwfly against my ears and I sigh. 

“What am i even doing here? “

“Having bomb sex and playful banter? Why’re you complaining?”

“Because, you’re an idol  . This is stupid. whatever this is, it’s reckless and dangerous. ” I shake my head. 

“It’s too soon to think that far , come on. It’s just... you’re really pretty and you’re intelligent. And I love Photography and honeslty it’s like all my favorite things in a girl and I feel like letting you get away would be like, the worst mistake of my life.”

“That’s oddly creepy but very sweet.” I laugh, burrowing closer to the warmth of his body. 

“Tell me more about you. Where’s home?” He says curiously and i hesitate. 

“Busan...” I say softly. 

“When did you come to Seoul?” he asks. 

“When I was fifteen. I got a scholarship to the School of Performing Arts. And then after High School, another Scholarship to the Seoul university. i got into the photography department three years ago. I’m in my final year. Working on my thesis and hopefully I’ll land a nice job by the time i get out...”

“Parents?” He lightly stroked back my hair. 

“Dead.” I say shortly. 

He doesn’t reply, just hums. 

“SO how did this happen? How does a photographer suddenly start taking fancams.” 

“Beats having to work in a supermarket. “ I say drily. “ Mostly because it pays and i get some experience too. i mean, i know I can’t actively build a portfolio on what I do, it’s all copyrighted stuff after all but, I’ve learned a lot. Lightings, angles how to make the subject look good. It’s a learning process.I don’t see it as anything different from one of the classes I take in college and i work just as hard. ” 

“Am I too?” He says curiously. 

“Are you what?”

“A course you’re taking and working hard at? ” He grins. 

“Something like that....You’re just... an interesting elective that i’ve taken up for fun.” 

He laughs at that. i hesitate a bit before turning over. 

“What about you?” 

“I came here when I was eighteen. No scholarship though. Came on my own bucks. Ended up sleeping on the pavement some nights but.. yeah, was worth it at the end I guess.” 

I swallow. 

“you should be pretty fucking proud of what you got done.” i say firmly. 

He shrugs

“It’s just luck, most of it. The right people at the right time. Mostly it’s about grabbing on to opportunities when they come around. “

“And the right people.” He adds. “ I’m nothing without my bandmates. I’d die for them. Especially Joon ah and Hoseok... ”  

I swallow. 

 Didn’t yoongi hyung pay you yet? You know you aren’t special right? 

“ Do you do this with a lot of girls?” i hate myself the moment the words were out. 

“Take them to bed? Sometimes. Take them to an expensive  hotel ? I’ve done it once or twice before.... Tell them about my life story and take naked pictures of... no. You’re the first. ” 

I feel worse. 

“Then why-”

“You’re honest. True to yourself. You know there’s a distinct lack of genuine people in the world. I like people who act the same with everyone. And i feel like you’re one of those people. “ 

I didn’t reply and he pulls me closer. 

“Besides, I think you’re good at what you do. I spoke to my PDnim ... you can give me your portfolio and maybe the next photoshoot you can sit in. If they like your work they’ll hire you as an assistant. At least it’ll be experience you can put on your resume. Don’t waste your time chasing idols. That’s not something a girl with your talent should be doing... ” He says seriously and i go still.

“what?” i stiffen , pulling away.

“ It’s just an opprtunity. i’m giving you an opprtunity. Don’t overthink it. “ His voice is awkward and a little annoyed and i try to still my pounding heart. 

In the end, it’s not really an option. i’m not an idiot. An opportunity like that is invaluable.  I promise to send him my portfolio and he agrees to call me once he talks to his boss. 

“I’m busy the next few months. Our Comeback is next month. October 12... I’ll get you free passes for the stage, if you promise to come without your camera.” 

I laugh. 

“i get passes anyway. and sorry , i don’t go  anywhere  without my camera” 

~~~~~~~~

“ I need just 100 dollars! What fucking use is a scholarship if you can’t give your old man , 100 dollars?” My father is gripping the edge of the couch with blue veined fingers, the inside of his wrist and elbows littered with needle marks and he has that feverish look in his face that i’ve come to associate with hurled abuses, broken glasses and bruises that couldn’t be hidden with make-up. 

“i didn’t get paid yet. I still don’t have a job, you know that.” I grit out impatiently. My landlord hates me. She’s in her early thirties and she once tried to make me sneak her into the backstage of a BTS concert because she ‘ wanted to find Jung kook. Aside from the fact that Jung kook is a baby( barely legal) my neighbour was beyond creepy. I’d yelled at her to stop being a pervert and to find someone her own age. 

In return, anytime my father came around to visit, the stupid woman let him into my apartment. 

“You’re shitting me. Gimme that stupid camera then, if you’re not making money off it. I’ll at least sell that piece of crap and buy myself some stash.” 

I clench my fists. This was tiring. I had classes in an hour. i grab my purse and get the money i got for my last assignment. i count it out carefully, keeping just twenty dollars for the food this week. There was a GOT7 comeback and an ASTRO stage as well. They would pay less but maybe if i took on a couple more (  but you have two papers to turn it, fuck..) I’d be able to make rent this month. 

 “ i have forty dollars. That’s all i have. Take it and leave.” I snap, grabbing the cash and thrusting it in his face. 

My father stares at me with a seedy look in his eyes. 

“I’ll be back for the rest , later this week.” He says, snatching the money out of my hands and stalking out. 

I watch him leave and sigh, dropping my head into my hands. 

There went six hours of shivering in the cold and making Min Yoongi look good. 

~~~~~~~~~

The next three weeks were a frantic mess of shows and concerts, lots of bruises from being jostled in crowds , finishing two papers and finally finding a muse from the fashion department to pose for my piece on Extravagance. Now all i had was my final paper to turn in and i would be done for this semester. The last semester would be my finalk thesis presentation and ?I would be done with college. 

And honestly, it was the thought of getting it over with, that kept me going. i was busy all day and Min Yoongi almost completely slipped out of my mind ( except when i occasionally felt too stressed out and took that snow globe out of the closet and stared at it . i couldn’t help it, because that trip to Florence had been one of the best times in my life. ) 

As October came around with  rainfall and winds, my boss told me that i would have to go for the BTS comeback stage at M! Countdown. He’d managed to get a special press pass for me and I was beyond flattered that he’d actually given me and actual journalitsic work. This wasn’t just recording. i could get pictures backstage for the offical article. This was actually something i could put on my resume. 

I quickly, nod, grinning ear to ear when he drops the bombshell. 

“ You’ll be focusing on Namjoon, this time.” 

i freeze in place. 

“what?”

“Kim Namjoon. He’s the leader. He’s the one our journalist will be interviewing backstage. JJ will ask the questions and you’ll just have to take a few snaps. it’s easy work. “ 

“The fancam..”

“That too. Because you’ll be busy backstage, i’ve asked other kids to cover the fancams. You can just watch the concert. No need to film. “ 

I nod wordlessly. 

I was screwed. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kim Namjoon still hates me. 

That much is obvious, as i stand to a corner of the stage, clutching my camera while JJ took notes next to me. The screaming is unbelievable and as the rest of them do their soundcheck, I try to ignore the way Namjoon keeps tossing glances at me. Yoongi gives me one subtle wink and a small pouty kiss that send the fans into a frenzy and ignores me completely afterwards. Or So I assume. i’m too busy trying not to spontaneously combust from the heat of Namjoon’s gaze. 

In the seductive lighting , with his perfect make up and insanely well fit clothes he looks like something straight out of a Grimm’s brother’s fairytale. A wayward prince . I can’t believe how utterly sinful their attire is, expensive jackets and in Namjoon’s case, a poet shirt with a firm black waist band and ruffled lace in the front. His hair is off his forehead and his legs look like they’re a few miles long at least. His pants are skin tight and tailored to perfectly fit his thighs and his calf muscles and honestly, there’s nothing more disconcerting than the way his dimples keep peeking out at sudden intervals. 

I’ve never been happier about not filming. My brain is turning to mush. 

But as the first strains of the music start, i can’t help turning my camera on, simply because i felt naked without it. It’s easier, safer to look at him from behind the lens of my trusty friend. I grip it harder and it’s better , through the lens he’s just another subject. Someone to record. 

focus. Lighting. Angles. Posture. Learning Process.

Except the only thing i could learn was that his legs were too long, his waist so mouth-wateringly lean and everytime his palm moved over his waist and caressed his crotch, I felt like dying. 

But really, why were they grabbing their crotch?!

 the worst part was, Namjoon kept glancing at me, and each time he did , i felt my throat constrict. He moved sharply and i realized that he wasn’t even a bad dancer. He was just too tall and too.. manly . Namjoon would look so much better in a suit in a board room , gripping a glass of scotch and playing God. 

The choreo was brutal , and by the time they were done with all three songs, the boys ( men really ) wwere sweaty and tired. Me on the other hand, I was completely zoned out. My breath came in stark pants and it felt like there was cotton wool in my lungs and I felt disgusted, my shirt sticking to my skin and the hair at my nape dripping with sweat. 

i feel saturated with feelings of inadequacy, like i’m doing something wrong and it feels a bit like I’m going to overflow, like all these miserable feelings are going to spill out of me and make a mess on the dirty floor . I choke on air as I grip JJ’s sleeve, letting her lead me to the backstage door. 

“Hello. Nice to meet you, Rapmon ssi..” JJ shakes hands and bows and I just stand there, too stunned to react. 

But he does it for me. 

“Hello, Ae Rin.” He says, voice low and polite and so respectful, not at all the rough angry tone I’d heard the last time. He sounds amazing. Whisky smooth and attractive. 

 My name. How did he know my name?

“ So about this comeback..”Jj began her questions and I pulled the camera up, trying to get the right angle. The first two clicks are easy. And then he glances at me and my mind comes undone like a ball of wool in the hands of a kitten. I stare stupidly , wondering how his stare was all it took to unravel me. What the hell’s happening? 

i drop my gaze to the camera and review the pictures, frowning when I notice the smudged lipstick in the pics. I look back up and it’s there , on the corner of his lips.

“You’ve got...” I stop, picking at my own lips to try and tell him that his gloss was smudged, except all the gesture did was draw his gaze to my lips and the way he stares at my mouth... it’s not good. 

“Fix it..!! Come Here!” Jj hisses and pushes me in his direction and I stumble forward, stunned. Did I really have to ..

I slowly get down on my knees in front of him and my throat is parched. 

He stretches out, offering his face to my touch and I feel cross eyed, staring at him as my thumb presses against the plush softness of his lips. I swallow, audibly, loudly and his gaze slips to my throat, and I wipe at the smudge, once and then twice. When I do it again, in a trance, his tongue sneaks out, without any warning, tip brushing against my finger and I yank my hand back in shock. It’s enough to almost send me sprawling and his hand shoots out , fast, gripping my wrist firmly. He pulls me back up and I topple over, my palm landing on his thigh and my fingers curling on the lean muscle of his leg without conscious thought. 

“I’m sorry about the last time. i was out of line.” His words catch me off guard and i feel like I’m sinking and the sensation is so foreign and unexpected. His thigh feels firm beneath my fingers and his grip on my wrist is hot and firm and oddly grounding.  I wonder what it would be like to have those long , firm fingers on other parts of me and a whimper bubbles out before i can smother it. 

Namjoon looks even better upclose and there’s something unreadable in the way he looks at me. His gaze is heavy and fond, affectionate and curious and almost sad. I feel like i’m drowning and I have to tamp down the urge to press my palms against his face and slot my lips over his. To climb on his lap and just kiss him senseless. 

But he’s sitting with JJ and I’m kneeling on the floor in front of him, the camera forgotten, my hands on his thighs and this is not how this is supposed to go at all.

“I.. it’s.. fine. I’ll just go.” I stumble back and stand up. 

My legs feel weak, my heart feels battered and my mind is still on stand by. I go through the rest of the interview like a zombie, my brain complete mush. When he finally leaves, JJ gives me a look that is part disbelief, part annoyance. 

“God, why didn’t you tell him you had a crush on him?! i mean could you be more obvious...” 

I shut her out, my mind running in circles. 

I didn’t have a crush on him. I was sleeping 9 or had slept 0 with his best friend. 

I didn’t. 

I  couldn’t. 

AUTHOR’S NOTE : Oh wow, this just took me back to college when i had this super huge crush on an older guy.i would literally start tapdancing when i saw him, hahaha... Thank fully he never knew...  kekekeke... 

What do you guys think?