#i am aware blogging and activism are obviously not the same fucking thing but also??

[angstydiaz]

listen i know shows you love being cancelled sucks ass or whatever (hell my most popular posts are me nagging on that) but also its rlly fucking weird to see ppl straight up acting like renewing one show is more important than the literal genocide we are witnessing in real time. Real fucking people.

[gold-rhine]

sub!Diluc x Dom! gn! reader

Warnings: very much not safe for w, edging, overstimulation, praise kink, minors get out of here. But also, some unabashed fluff. Yes, it contains multitudes.

words: 3,2k.

A\n: repost since my previous blog got shadowbanned

Listen, i know everyone hcs Diluc as a dom. And he can be a very nice service dom, but I’m here to convince you that sub!Diluc is actually not OOC.

First of all, he’s more repressed than a catholic nun. Diluc is like on six levels of dissociation at any given moment. He sees his body as a flesh suit he’s piloting that requires an inconvenient maintenance like sleep, food and occasional sexual release. He’ll jerk off by himself like it’s a chore.

Diluc is so touch starved it’s ridiculous, and *he doesn’t even know it*, that’s how much he’s disconnected from his needs.

And like. Helping ppl like that discover what they actually want and watching them come undone in pleasure they didn’t know they desired is so delicious. If you know, you know, there’s nothing quite like it.

But you have to go slow with him

I mean first of all, you shouldn’t mess with Diluc at all if you’re not in for a long haul, this man doesn’t do casual.

Oh, he’ll agree to try if he’s already into you, he’s incredibly indulging to the people he values. But also because at first he’ll be incredibly defensive.

Not because he’s not into it. Just as a defense mechanism, as he thinks he’ll disappoint you and he’s preparing for a failure from the start.

Diluc can see any activity with his important people as a trial where his performance will be evaluated. He is one of these “I need to get a good grade in X which is both normal to want and possible to achieve” people.

Remember the coffeeshop event where he was like “When I was a small child, my father told me to mix my first drink using all of the ingredients in the tavern. In hindsight, it was probably to see how creative I am and I must’ve failed because I just made a fruit punch and my father didn’t say if I did well”?

Like, Diluc. Baby. Honey. Sweetie. Your dad probably just wanted you to have fun in an improvised “take your kid to work” event. He didn’t judge your punch because it was about spending quality time together and letting you play with colorful syrups. Who the fuck would evaluate a small child’s creativity on the first time they mix drinks. You think he expected you to invent Pina Colada?

So yeah, he will see even getting edged as a thing he’s not proficient in, so he’s most likely to fail and disappoint you. And that’s one of the worst things he can imagine.

Because being useful is Diluc’s love language. If you read his voicelines or talk to him in teapot, you can notice how he’s very focused on doing things for you, like he’ll invent a drink specifically for you and keeps repeating that you should tell him if you need anything, but at the same time, he “doesn’t do chit chat” and wants to leave if there’s nothing for him to do.

Because Diluc knows he’s not easygoing or fun to be around. He has his charming brother who makes it seem effortless to compare himself with. He knows he’s kind of awkward, intense, brooding and direct to the point of coming off as rude. So he needs to feel like he’s doing something useful for you to justify spending time with you.

So for his first time, don’t tease him verbally. He’s incredibly teasable, I know. But he’s already very anxious about disappointing you even if he tries to hide it and he was conditioned to clamp up at the first sign of perceived mockery by his troll brother. Show him first how good it can feel before you start playing with him.

also, he obviously has a praise kink that he’s not even aware of. like, it’s not even up for discussion, praise from other people and approval from his dad are literally described as his main motivations

“The praise he received from his comrades and citizens spurred him on. But the words of praise he valued most of all were: "Good job. Now, that's my son." His father's words fueled the fire inside his heart and served as his greatest motivation.“ and sure, after he lost his dad and emotionally closed off, he doesn’t allow himself to rely on approval of others. But it doesn’t mean he doesn’t want it.

You can tie his hands, but honestly I think it’s much more fun to just order him to keep his hands up. He’s so stubborn, it’ll be a matter of pride for him to keep his composure. And it will also make it that much more delicious to see it finally break.

When you tell him that he must ask for permission to finish, he just scoffs. He’s so sure he wouldn’t be reduced to that.

Don’t expect him to dissolve into stereotypical meowling and begging when you first start touching him. Again, he’s much too stubborn. He’s coming into this defensive and he wants to be in control of himself.

But hear me out - it actually makes it more fun to tease him. Diluc tries to keep himself still, but no amount of willpower will make him less sensitive and, again, touch starved to hell and back.

So at first, it’s the little things that betray him. How when you kiss his neck, his throat moves under your lips in a shaky intake of a breath, How the taut muscles of his scarred arms flex when you run your hands over his chest. How he draws in his stomach when you slide your fingers down it, slow, tantalizingly slow, making light patterns with just your fingertips. How he avoids your eyes because you haven’t even touched his cock yet and he’s already so obviously, painfully hard.

He has a beautiful cock, big and with a nice curve, and as for all pale redheads, it becomes brilliantly red when aroused. When you finally touch him, slowly stroking it up from the base to the tip, he draws in a breath through the clenched teeth and squeezes his eyes shut. You watch him struggle as you start pumping his dick faster and faster, his jaw clenching, his breath and heartbeat quickening, sweat beads forming on his forehead, his shoulders and hips flinching as he tries to keep himself from arching up and thrusting into your hand.

He’s fighting a losing battle and both of you know it by now. You could break him right here if you wanted. You squeeze and rub the sensitive tip of his cock, and see him open his mouth in a silent, chocked gasp for air. He manages to keep himself from clenching his fists, but his knuckles whiten when he desperately scraps his fingertips against the bedsheets.

But you don’t want him to feel like he lost a fight, it’s not about that, it was never about that. Even shame should feel good. You caress his high, sculpted cheekbones with your thumb, your other hand still on his cock. “‘Luc, look at me.”

He can’t disobey you, but he has to take a deep breath before he can open his eyes. He meets your gaze, anxious. What’s he going to see, mockery over how pathetically quick he’s breaking down? Disappointment for how bad and inexperienced he is at this? Just a cold, severe rejection?

“You look so beautiful, baby,” you tell him quietly and breath catches in his throat, his pupils widening, his cock twitching in your hand. You kiss the trail from his sharp jawline up to his ear, allowing him to turn away. “Do you enjoy this? Do you want me to keep going?" you smile warmly when he whips his head back to look at you and meet his dazed crimson eyes. “I just want you to feel good.”

This reframes the entire scene for him in a one fell swoop, turning it upside down, leaving him disoriented. It wasn’t a challenge that he was losing, or a trial that he was failing, him giving in to his desires was what you wanted all along? You enjoy seeing his pleasure, even if he’s not being useful to you in return? It seems impossible to him, yet when you look at him like this, when you touch him like this, like he’s precious and wanted, when he knows he’s broken and undeserving… it feels intoxicating and liberating at once, in a way he couldn’t imagine before. He realizes at this moment how badly he wants this, even if he still doesn’t understand how far he’s willing to go for it.

“I… ugh, I… like it,” Diluc swallows harshly, his mouth suddenly dry, and if you thought he was blushing before, now the pink dust on his cheeks turns into a brilliant scarlet glow, covering his face, neck and even top of his shoulders. He clearly wants to look away in embarrassment, but makes himself hold your gaze. “If you… enjoy this too and… want to go on…”

You rake your eyes over him, sprawled in front of you, and smile, meeting his gaze again. “Of course I enjoy it. You look so fucking hot like this.” his eyes widen and his lips part, you can feel his tip leaking in your hand, his entire body strung up like a bowstring. He doesn’t know what to answer and he couldn’t talk even if he did, so when you lower your head down to kiss him he answers eagerly, with passion and gratitude he can’t express in words. You start pumping his cock again, now faster and with a firmer grip, and drink in his abrupt gasp against your mouth, as he freezes for a second and then returns the kiss with twice the abandon. This time he doesn’t try to fight it, his body trembling under you, his hips bucking up to meet your hand, his hands closing into fists, toes curling.

He breaks the kiss when you twist your palm against his pulsing tip, and he cries out, low and strangled, his entire body arching up, but his unfocused eyes find yours immediately, his gaze frantic, almost feverish. He’s going far outside his comfort zone, he’s relinquishing control and he’s so unused to this, he trained himself for years to do the opposite of this, to see it as a failure, so he needs your repeated reassurance to soothe his anxiety, to prove he didn’t imagine your desire few moments ago.

You lean down to him without breaking eye contact. “You’re doing so good, baby. You’re being so good for me.”

It shoots through him, bypassing the brain entirely, through the entire nerve system and right down to the cock, like only discovering a kink you were entirely oblivious to before can. His body goes rigid and he comes, with a choked, shuddering groan.

You stroke him through it, until he limply falls back on the bed, spent and panting. He reaches for you and you let him pull you in, hold him while he’s coming back to his senses, run fingers through his soft hair. When he opens his eyes, he looks at you with a small, almost sheepish smile, and it’s impossible to resist kissing him.

“Are you okay?” you ask, stroking his cheek and he leans into your palm.

“Yes, I’m fine,” he answers immediately, then realizes how it sounds and tries to correct. “I mean, I’m better than fine. I’m... I feel good.”

You chuckle and his eyes flicker to watch your mouth, then throw you a glance from under half-lowered lids. It’s enjoyable seeing him open like this, but what you really want is seeing him come undone. He doesn’t look tired and you know he can go on for much longer, but today it’s more a question of mental state than stamina.

“You want to go for another round?” you ask softly him and he blushes lightly.

“Well, I did technically… um, break a promise to ask for permission in the end,” he says with the same small smile that grows even more sheepish as he tries to avoid admitting he desperately wants more. “So it’s only fair if I remedy that.”

“Oh, of course. Honorable as always. So noble of you, Master Diluc,” you run your fingers over his abs, spreading cum all over them, and his brilliant blush returns in full force. But he doesn’t stop smiling, trusting your good intentions, that you’re mocking the hierarchy of ranks and not him personally. You kiss the corner of his mouth to reassure him, and his smile grows wider.

“Well, you can’t be successful in the commercial trade if you’re not answering for your obligations,” he says, trying and failing to keep a straight face. He really does recover very quickly, you think, if he can already banter. “The Wine Guild would kick me out if they learned I’d backed down on a deal.”

“Well, at least I know I can complain to the Wine Guild if you misbehave then,” your voice is still light, but you catch his chin and lift it up firmly, and he tenses up immediately.

He looks up at you, eyes intense as always, but now glittering in anticipation and tracking your every move, bangs tousled and lips parted for you to claim. You kiss him, messily, greedily, slide your fingers to the back of his head and pull on his hair, forcing him to expose his throat for you. You leave the trail of sloppy kisses and scraped teeth down from his jaw to the collarbones before you let go of his hair and allow him to collapse.

When your hand finds his cock, it’s already half-hard, throbbing. red. This time, you don’t go slowly, you grab it and start pumping it fast. He shudders, still so sensitive after a recent orgasm, and instinctively tries to close his legs.

You don’t force them open, instead, you catch his chin and meet his eyes again. “No,” you say slowly. “Open up for me.”

The thing about Diluc is that he doesn’t do anything by halves if he sets his mind to it. Once he opens up, he burns for you with the same single-minded dedication as he does fighting enemies in the night. He might not know how to ask for help, pleasure or affection, but he sure knows how to give and to give everything he’s got. Do not ask to have him if you want anything less than the whole.

He grits his teeth, his eyes smoldering crimson, and forces himself to spread his legs again, against his basic reflexes. The touch to his overstimulated dick is painful and igniting at the same time, it feels equal parts wrecking and delightful.

You smile and praise him and pump him even harder and faster than before, and he trashes in front of you, muttering a litany of half-choked curses, throwing his head from side to side, hands clawing at the sheets, thighs shaking, but staying open.

You asked for him and you shall have him, no matter what.

It’s still not enough for you, though.

You sprawl on your side against him, circling one arm around his shoulders, still stroking him with the other. The fight goes out of him. He blindly leans into you, trembling, a small whine caught in his throat. When you kiss him, his mouth is soft and pliant, but his hands clutch at you desperately, like a drowning man trying to hold on to the solid ground.

It drives you crazy to watch him writhe under you, completely unravelled, glowing brightly from feverish desire, scarlet silk of his tangled hair sprawled on the sheets, his hips bucking frantically into your hand.

You whisper sweet, tender praises to him, caress his face, neck and shoulders like he’s the most precious and fragile thing in the world, at the same time as your other hand relentlessly winds him up, squeezes his overstimulated, pulsing cock harshly, twists the leaking tip. The pain punctuates desire, a delirious contrast of torturously sweet and deliciously cruel.

His fingers dig into you, holding you close. He presses his face into the crook of your neck, clings to you, seeking comfort and shelter from the same sweet, unbearable torture that is also inflicted by you. The pleasure melts him, but the pain splits him open, wrecks him to the core, he wants this to end, and he wants this to never stop. More than anything, he wants to be yours.

“Fuck, look at you. You’re perfect,” you tell him and you mean it.

He breathes in through his mouth, drawing in your scent. “Please,” he gasps so quietly, you could’ve missed it if not for his lips moving against your neck. “Please, let me…please…”

Next time, you might demand more. Next time, you might make him spell it out completely, what exactly he begs you for. But this is his first time and he was already so brave for you.

“Yes, baby. You’ve been so fucking good. Come for me.”

He comes immediately and so hard, his entire body is shaking, the strangled scream caught in his throat. You keep stroking him, letting him ride it out through increasingly frantic and desperate thrusts, squeeze every last drop out of him until he collapses, limp and shivering, but still clinging to you.

You hold him, stroke his hair and kiss his forehead, whisper to him softly until he stops trembling and his breath evens out. You realize that he’s too weak now to get to the bath, so you stand up to get something to help, but he reaches out, catches your wrist immediately.

“It’s okay, I’ll be back in a second,” you promise. After you clean him up with a wet cloth, he pulls you in and curls around you so possessively and needy, you can’t help but smile. He’s fighting a losing battle to stay awake, the endless sleepless nights finally catching up with him, now that he lowered his guard for a moment and let his body feel alive. But there’s one thing he needs to ask, suddenly apprehensive now that the rush of lust passed.

“Did you… Was I… Ugh, damn. Would you perhaps?..” he stumbles over his words, not knowing how to phrase his concern that he wasn’t good enough for you and you just indulged him. You stop him mercifully.

“I *did* enjoy it. You *were* incredible. And yes, I would very much love to do this again.”

“Oh,” he says, relaxing against you, the same precious small smile appearing on his face again, now more content than sheepish. You chuckle, stroking his face.

“Besides, you did break my order to keep your hands up. You’ll have to suffer the punishment, or the Wine Guild will need to hear about this.”

He snorts indignantly and blushes at the same time. For the first time in many, many nights he falls asleep with a light heart and a smile still tugging at his lips.

[intheholler]

Howdy! I absolutely love this blog and am so glad I found it <3 Do you have any advice for reclaiming (for lack of a better word) your accent? Mine is all weird from years of codeswitching/trying to hide it, and now that I'm older and have more pride in where I come from, I miss that I don't sound exactly like all the other people from my area. Thank you!!

hi there <33 im glad yall found it too lol. welcome!

also sure! i was (am?) in the exact same boat :') so i guess i could try to tell you what's worked for me.

my first advice would be to try and stop being so critical about what you're saying and how you sound when you say it. easier said than done, ik, because obviously when you code switch, you are very aware of and careful about how you talk, but that's the very first massive block i had to work on before anything else.

so, the first thing i did was work on detaching myself from that need and not policing myself as i spoke. i tried to just let the sounds come out, especially my vowels. i always kept those real tight bc i felt like they're the biggest "tell" i wanted to avoid.

i achieved this by talking to myself in private to shake off that internalized shit that made me wanna disguise it around others in the first place. no one can hear you but you, so just yourself have it, even if u feel silly at first like i did. i dealt with some imposter syndrome-esque stuff about it during this time.

its gonna sound goofy, but for a while, to get ur mouth back in the habit of making certain shapes during certain words, start talking to yourself in an exaggerated form of ur original accent. like fully put it on lmao. maybe even heavier than the one you used to have. this helped my brain get reaquainted with my mouth.

then i started just actively listening to myself think and talk. there is the comfortable and familiar way my brain wants the words to be formed in my natural dialect, and then there is my mouth that stops it out of codeswitching habit. it took active work and effort to make my accent go away, and it's taking active work and effort to make it come back.

anyway, a lot of my pronunciations i no longer have to "actively hear" myself give, so i know it's working <3

sometimes i'll even say something, pause and mentally be like "goddamn, what the fuck was that that just came out my mouth" and then im like "oh right, that's me 🥰 hello again, me"

im glad you're ready to start reclaiming this part of yourself and i wish you good luck. it's surprisingly hard! i started making a conscious effort three or four years ago and mine is still not as strong as i'd like.

[morvantmortuary]

hello! i just found your account and i’m in love with your ocs! pls, let me know if you still write and if your requests are open?

(people still use that steve rogers psa meme, right?)

hello, darling 🖤 I’m sorry it took me so long to get back to you!

to be honest, this ask sent me into a little bit of a tailspin - through no fault of yours, you’re perfectly fine and I’m flattered you wrote in!! ♥️ it was just one of those things where I thought it hadn’t really been that long since I posted something, and I try to still hang out and reblog pretty often, until I realized I probably haven’t really posted a new snippet since… whenever I posted the teasers for Vol. II? :’D and my last full piece was probably paint the town red, so I just had a small spiral of gloom at how long it had actually been since I posted anything of substance for my necromancers.

things had been getting kind of intense between being on the job market and trying to work on my stupid fucking dissertation, so obviously compared to when I started this blog in the second year of the pandemic, I hadn’t been having as much time to write. now I have a full time Real Person job and I’m in the last semester (PLEASE GOD) of said dissertation work, so while I’m in a more stable place than I was last year in some ways, things have gotten even more intense in other ways, and honestly I’ve been kind of stressed about how little time I’ve been able to spend here :’D

so like, while I don’t blame you at all for asking if I’m still writing for them, I had a bit of an “OH NO щ(ﾟДﾟщ)” reaction bc I just realized that while I think about the Morvants constantly every day, that… doesn’t always transfer to blog activity lol

I also have to admit, I had a hard time with comfort asks/requests for a while, bc I got way too in my own head about writing them. I was worried about everyone having a similar word count or romance factor bc I wanted them all to seem fair and equal, but then I also got worried that they were going to be too repetitive and same-y and people would get bored. and like!! it’s not that deep in the grand scheme of things, I absolutely am aware of that!! :’D but eventually I got embarrassed I was taking so long on top of that, and I just kind of paused the ones I was writing bc I got too hung up on myself

in the middle of all this, I was having ideas for Maxi as usual (he’s my first and thus designed to be my own personal comfort blorbo ngl), but I’ve been trying more to focus on Hex, Seth, and Rora, so I was kind of tabling what plot bunnies I did have to keep waiting for ones that I didn’t yet… and thus, here we are :’D

so like. maybe this is an excellent ask for me to hit “reset” with, and just remember that I Am Just Writing For Fun, and that I’m just sharing them to have fun with y’all, and start fresh in my own brain by getting rid of all the dumb rules I seem to have made for myself before I post 🖤 I think I need that, I think that sounds nice ✨

so!! tl;dr I’m so sorry I vomited all that at you omg what is wrong with me, I’m definitely still writing for them as frequently as my new work schedule allows, and please feel free to submit your request for whomever and however you like 🥰 I’m still working on a bunch, but I’m going to make it more about posting them and less about making them Just So!!

thanks for taking the time, I really do appreciate it 🖤🖤🖤

[2dfd-simp]

This Blog Is Now Dead

FYI: This is a semi rant.

TLDR - I won’t be active on this blog anymore

I’ve only been back on Tumblr for a couple of months. And already I’m remembering why I fucking hate it. For a multitude of reasons.

1) Every single type of media allows for explicit material. It’s about managing who sees it. The internet made it even more accessible then ever before. And yet Tumblr removes so many posts that the censorship becomes more obscene than the material that’s being censored. And having over 10 blogs deactivated it gets tedious starting again from scratch. Fuck Tumblr.

2) I’m here to goon to the amazing content that gets posted on here. That’s all I want to do. I enjoy gooning (obviously) but this blog is just getting full of shit to the point it feels like a chore. Gooning while getting shitted on isnt wxactky what I’m after unless that’s literal rather then metaphorical. Incase it’s not obvious I’m submissive. I’m a beta loser and well aware of it. I’m not even a switch and the rare times I do do it I don’t enjoy it. I do however enjoy encouraging each other to be worse. There is a line though between making each other worse and just trying to get domme’d for free. If you just want to be dominated pay a femdom. Guess what? You have to pay for literally every other service out there too, even ones essential to living such as water and food. The amount of people on here trying to use reverse psychology to get me to domme then is insulting. The fact you think you’re being clever is even worse. Fuck You. And this bit is to one specific guy who has messaged me over and over asking to be controlled and then saying his wife is his Mistress and that I’m a loser for not controlling him and his wife thinks the same. Firstly, here’s a secret about me. I’m a sociopath. Genuinely. What does this mean to you? It means I don’t care what you or your “wife” think about me. Your strangers. I don’t have empathy towards people I do k ow and have to fake it. I certainly am not going lose sleep over what you are what is probably the nickname for your hand think of me. Secondly if you had a wife who was your mistress you wouldn’t be asking for others to control you over and fucking over again. Because you already have a Mistress. It’s not Pokémon. You don’t need to find and collect every person to domme you, you only need one and apparently you’re married to one. Fuck you and your bullshit

3) Fucking exposure. People who have known me across multiple blogs will know I’ve done exposure captions or invaded your privacy with your consent etc, starting back years ago from when I met x-loservirgin-x. When I’ve done things like log into your Facebook etc I’ve only ever done what was agreed same as with people who have done the same with mine. Today has been the second time I’ve been interrogated because somethings been found out about someone. As mentioned above, I’m here to jerk off and goon. If you want exposure then be prepared for the risks that come with it and when you talk to multiple people about it. I’ve seen posts about both people on other sites and captions I’ve made saved and posted on other sites too. I can’t control that. Being hassled over the consequences because you didn’t think it through is t exactly what I’m here for so from now on I won’t be doing exposure at all. It’s not worth the fallout. Also aimed at one person: if what you did to your sister is true then you deserve anything that happens. Anyway. Fuck Exposure.

4) Fucking Findom. As soon as my pinned post was about paying money to a girl with screenshots showing it had happened i’m suddenly flooded with Findoms messaging. Sorry but I shut most of you down. Would you want your betas giving money to another Findom? And I would guess half of these “Findoms” don’t even have any losers paying them to begin with as they’re nothing but scam artists. There was one other Findom. I did pay because my biggest fetish is Asian Supremacy and @reigntina is amazing as fuck but that was only a small one, and I apologise. Please dont take my non reply the wrong way, my best friend was a Findom before…welll long story. Anyway, I fucking hate free loaders with a passson. And the fact I had only sent a small gift meant I didn’t want to waste your time as I felt like a free loser myself. Anyway, if anyone does want a Findom I seriously suggest you visit (and pay) her. And as for the guy who wanted a small tribute and I said I would on payday and then you kept nagging and using reverse psychology on me, go fuck yourself.

4) You know who you are. Yes I love to be made a worse person and corrupted. Yes, I’ve jerked to non-nude social media pics of 15yo before. But holy fuck. The amount of people “encouraging” me to find pre teen? No. I’m not searching on my IP for it, I’m not saving it, I’m not sharing it. That’s not corrupting me to be worse, that’s you getting me to do your dirty work for you. Most certainly fuck you.

So yeah. Between fake Findoms and others telling me to send, people regretting choices and being asked for stuff that I’m not doing I’m not having fun any more in this blog. I won’t deactivate it as there’s posts on here you isn’t enjoy, and I know people like to goon looking back on messages and I’ve made about 10 AI chatbots which can only be accessed via links I sent in private message so I don’t want you to lose them, but I’m done on here. But I do love Tumblr despite the hate. So I’m starting a new blog. No I won’t share it in here as I’m burning ducking bridges. If you find me you’re more than welcome to follow me, I know people always do in the end. And despite the frustration and amount of fucks being given out, I do enjoy chatting and not just about gooning etc. I’ve talked to others about Sword Art Online, Destiny etc as well as the girl I saw in the street and I rushed home to jerk off to. But I’d I get the inking it’s gonna become one of the things that’s pissed me off about this blog, I will just block you going forward. I’m here to goon and be as pathetic as possible. The only frustration I want is from not cumming.

Namaste

[familyagrestefanblog]

Jackady: The importance of the father-son hug scene

One of my favorite Adrien-Gabriel moments to this day is still the ending scene of "Jackady" but I have seen more confusion for it than clarity in the Fandom so here is my analysis on it for why I love it so much. Because as the seasons go by this moment sustaines so much more significance that I simply HAVE to talk about it!

While it isn't the only Adrien-Gabriel scene that does it, I adore this scene because it shows perfectly that in the beginning their little, broken family could have made it out of this tragedy stronger and maybe even better but the reality that Adrien and Gabriel are also Chat Noir and Hawkmoth not only hinders those chances, it actively drives them further apart into destruction

Maybe one day I'll give all my thoughts to the entire scene and just go on a rambling post about it (because I love EVERYTHING about this scene) but for now, let's just focus on the main aspects that really sell it to me.

I give Gabriel alot of shit on my blog for obvious reasons. I refuse to generally give him the same positive and conciderate treatment as Adrien, Marinette and the other kid characters because unlike them HE is an adult, a father and the villain of the show. The adult and villain part I'm not taking too personal because those are "just" the traditional aspects of his character type. But what is incredibly unique about him is the fact that even if he is this evil villain type he still gets to be the realistic type of abusive and (truly) bad father with sympathetic moments like this:

This moment of shock and fear is not something you would normally see in a family cartoon from an evil parental figure the child longs to bond with without setting the parent up for redemption. But as we now know by s3, Gabriel is only getting increasingly worse and more abusive and Adrien is starting to let go of his father to move on without him and defying his will. It's quite clear now that their future will not be anywhere near good, "Chat Blanc" showed us what's to come.

And this is exactly why I love this scene. Because, yes, this family will go up in flames and never truly reconcile ever again (Gabriel went WAY too far for that in the way he abuses/will abuse Adrien) but the show doesn't shy away from showing us the transitional phase in between which really not alot of media dares to. Normally when they stay enemies or their situation doesn't end in an at least somewhat forgiving way this transition is simply mostly skipped to not having to let the bad parent have realistic and sympathetic moments in their downfall into madness/villainy (especially with their victim).

Miraculous does and it's beautifully tragic because you can just... SEE the situation unfold and understand where the eventual fate of the family comes from.

The pure misunderstanding between these two in this scene, the way they just talk RIGHT PAST each other because the other one can not understand the problem cuz they don't know the secret identity of the other one is... brutal!

This moment here could have worked for them. It could have been a genuine step forward in their relationship and saved their family but it got completely CRUSHED by their secret identities as Chat Noir and Hawkmoth.

Let me show you what I mean:

THIS is a moment I AM giving Gabriel genuine credit for, because you can turn it any way you want it won't change the fact that, for his situation, THIS was the right question to ask his son. But at the same time it's just such a... horrible thing to say here oh my GOD.

And that's the ugly, UGLY beauty here.

If Gabriel weren't Hawkmoth (if someone else were Hawkmoth so the situation would still have happened) he would not have reacted to the fucking ring. He would have thought nothing of it and had remained focused on Adrien, because that was his original intention (problematically executed but that's beside the point now).

After Gabriel got himself in life threatening danger because he didn't listen to Adriens concerns, he went to him to hug him as apology. THIS is Gabriels way of apologizing and trying to make up for his faults. He's obviously not good at verbalizing his feelings properly and at normal interpersonal dynamics in general. So what he does is trying to make his feelings known in a... "material/physical" way. This does not only show through Gabriel just buying the best things for Adrien without ever being there for him, it also shows in the way he physically interacts with his loved ones when he genuinely wants to show his love. Because for how seriously antisocial and unreachable as he normally is, he also gets... quite touchy.

The shoulder touch thing Adrien does as well to show his affection for someone, him hugging Adrien both times he got a wake up call and literally everything thats happening between him and Natalie at this point lol.

Him hugging Adrien here is just as much of a big deal as Adriens expressions make it seem to be

But the father-son moment couldn't last because the villain-hero alter egos interfered. Gabriel being Hawkmoth rightfully stopped the moment here, because reacting to even the slightest chance of your own child being the hero you try to destroy is undoubtedly the right way to handle this (even if the way he did it wasn’t ideal, that's not something I would expect from any character in that situation), but nevertheless it still utterly crushed the moment.

Cuz just because it is the right thing for HAWKMOTH to ask his son Adrien who he fears COULD be Chat Noir, doesn't it mean that it is anywhere close to okay for Adrien/Chat Noir to hear this very question in that moment from his father who he thinks as a normal civilian in this.

And Adriens expression once again makes this perfectly clear

(You know the offense just reached an other dimension when the kid, who is already well aware and used to their fathers emotionally painful ways, makes a face like THAT)

Cause here is the thing. We all know by now that Adrien has some serious self esteem issues and that while he tries to over play it (especially as Chat) he just doesn't hold himself in high regards or even likes himself very much. Hence why he goes all out on the acting as Chat Noir and doesn't defend himself much.

But just because he doesn't like himself that much doesn't it mean he still doesn't want that very validation and appreciation from his father. Just like all of us and everyone on earth, Adrien wants to be loved for himself, even if he doesn't/can't do it himself. Thats normal and is something that can deeply damage you when you don't get it from your own parent/s.

So tell me, do you see why Adrien was so CRUSHED when in probably the first time since his mother's disappearance Gabriel gave him the genuine and all present love he wanted for so long, just for Gabriel to cut their moment short and FOCUSE ON THE RING?

The one thing on Adrien that makes him become "someone else" so he can escape from having to be himself for a bit.

And for Adrien it now seems like that in his own fathers eyes this ONE thing Gabriel shouldn't even know could be anything special about if he weren't Hawkmoth, is the ONLY thing worth noticing about his own son so it catches his eyes.

It tells Adrien right to the face that nothing Adrien was and did to make his father happy up to this point measured up with Gabriels expectations. All of Adriens efforts, his patience and his hopes of earning his fathers love and happiness if he only does well enough, literally in vain. It wasn't enough. It's wasn't enough for Gabriel to notice in comparison to the ring apperently.

From Adriens view you can interpret it two ways:

1. Since earlier Gabriel also took a closer look at Chat Noirs ring Adrien now thinks correctly that his father is seeing his new ring as a sign that he could be Chat Noir. This would mean that in Adriens eyes Gabriel would have cut their moment, an action of validation and love Adrien has longed, worked and patiently waited for so LONG, short and basically forgot all about Adrien himself because there is a SLIGHT possibility that Adriens ring means he COULD be Chat Noir. His own father literally choosing his secret identity over his civilian one as Adrien, the son Gabriel had for 14 years, is beyond crushing. And while it seems strange for Adrien to take offense in this because, well, he IS Chat Noir so what the big deal? The big deal here is, again, that as Chat Adrien is literally trying NOT to be himself. He uses the opportunity of being an anonymous hero to escape from having to be Adrien Agreste in every way he can. Gabriel throwing aside the son who is literally standing in front of him and who did his darn best to be there for him in his own time of grieving his mother to basically only focus on Chat Noir (a person Gabriel in the end of the day shouldn't and doesn't know) possibly being his son, is such a fucked up scenario to throw onto Adriens already low self esteem what the actual fuck.

Or 2. That Adrien simply takes his father choosing to focus on his "simple" new ring out of all things as a clear "I see nothing else worth noticing in you, so to keep this conversation up I have to grasp at straws so I guess I'll be taking about your new ring".

No matter how one chooses to interpret the moment, it's equally as much of a "fuck you" either way. I know Gabriel could have said worse here, but honestly, the list isn't that long.

So when after this Adrien reacts like this:

It should really not come by any surprise. Although, no, it is kind of surprising. Surprising that Adrien didn't react alot worse than this. What Gabriel just threw at him is like the verbal equivalent of a loved one reaching out for you with a hand so they can caress your cheek but the moment you lean in they follow it up with a punch to the face.

It shows just how well Adrien has his emotions under control and is able to stay level headed under such great offense that THIS is the level of irrationality and anger he expresses after basically being out right disregarded by his own father (which should be of no surprise either, as Chat Noir Adrien has to put up with a whole lot of disrespect as well and there he for literally 95% of the time has to shrug it off as well).

But no matter how bad Gabriels line here was, it has nothing and I mean NOTHING on the awful way Gabriel then decides to react to Adriens appropriate but still very mild response.

Because THIS is the moment that sets up Gabriels betrayal and downfall as both a person and especially as a father. Up to this point Gabriel was a horrible person as well, no question. The entirety of s1 he already worked as Hawkmoth, manipulating people, putting them in great danger and planning the demise of two teenagers with sadistic glee. But still one has to acknowledge the difference in these two situations.

In one Gabriel is hiding in a secret lair, manipulating people he thinks beneath him to do the dirty work for him and fight two anonymous heros he just wants to get rid of to reach his goal. Gabriel is taking so much pleasure out of terrorizing Paris and it's people because he legitimately doesn't give a single fuck about them or holds any kind of personal connection to them either. He never goes outside and is very antisocial so these people and their city mean nothing to him because they ARE nothing to him. His (self chosen) isolation and lifestyle pretty much disconnected Gabriel from real life and a normal way of expressing and receiving human emotions. So when there are no emotional stakes for him personally, he sees no reason to not satisfy his villainous desires as Hawkmoth.

So as odd as it may seem to say, him terrorizing Paris prior to this is not the point of crossing the line for his character. For that it's simply to impersonal.

No, the point of crossing the line happens here with Adrien. With Gabriels character things will always come back to Adrien at its core. Adrien (not Emilie, Natalie or anyone else) is the person Gabriel temporarily truly gave up being Hawkmoth for and Adrien is the one person Gabriel has his most human moments with. Not even in his bonding moments with Natalie does he show the same deep and true (misguided) love and affection as he gets to with Adrien in those rare moments (its close no doubt but something about Gabenath is not as deep and true as this father-son pair and I can't imagine it ever will).

This marks the point of no return for Gabriel because it's the first time he chose to deliberately abandon Adrien in the crossfire and decides to be the villain towards him instead of staying there to talk things out with him. It's the first time Adrien truly had Hawkmoth as his father. And Hawkmoth is Chat Noirs ememy so Gabriel fell into that role without Adrien knowing why.

And there is a solid reason for that.

One of the best things of this show is that no matter how horrible things get between these two, things are always much more complicated than a simple "evil father doesn't love his good son" situation. Gabriel calls Adrien "the image of perfection" in this very episode, that's sure as hell not hate or dislike in any way. That's love, that's adoration. This man ADORES his son. And this is were the deep rooted problem lies.

Gabriel loves and adores his SON. The ideal and perfectly perfect son Adrien could become when Gabriel is done forming him into it by suffocating any "imperfections" with an iron fist. It's just that these "imperfections" are always the characteristics that make Adrien ADRIEN. Gabriel may truly love his son but I'm not even sure if Gabriel even so much as LIKES Adrien himself.

And this is perfectly showcased by Gabriel turning away from Adrien in this very scene here.

Because even though Gabriel literally disrespected, shut down and belittled his son for the entire episode he still came to see and hug his Adrien afterwards because he loves him. But HIS Adrien, the perfectly perfect Adrien Gabriel wants him to be, wasn't the Adrien he met up with in his sons room. Instead he got an Adrien with a ring on his hand that could be Chat Noirs, making him possibly one of the two enemies he's trying to destroy.

Adding salt to the "wound" Adrien even backtalks him in a way that undoubtedly reminded him of Chat as well since Gabriel pointed out Chats temper in this very episode.

So Gabriel was very directly confronted with the possibility that Adrien could INDEED be Chat Noir and that naturally comes with the implications that Adrien deliberately disobeyed Gabriels orders accepting that ring, sabotaging Gabriel reaching his goal and in general doing everything his father DOESN'T want him to do BY CHOICE.

And here Gabriel made the decision that marks the point of no return, setting up the devastatingly horrible way this man is treating and will treat his son in the future.

Because this is the moment Gabriel SHOULD have chosen Adrien over his mission. The sheer possibility, no scratch that, even the SLIGHTEST TRACE of a possibility of Adrien being Chat Noir should have immediately made Gabriel take action to save and protect him. Because it's not like Chat hasn't been constantly in dangerous, life threatening or even situations that ended up in DEATH. If Gabriel would truly love ADRIEN his quest would have ended right here, stopping the upcoming horror this family will face before it could have really begun (hence why this was shown to us in an episode of s1, the season where Hawkmoths identity was still unknown. If Gabriel had stopped here not even WE would have known, leaving Gabriels name untainted of Hawkmoths crimes as the Agreste family finally moves on and Hawkmoth dissappeares as suddenly as he appeared.)

because Adrien and his health and life should not be a price Gabriel is willing to risk paying for his goal.

But Gabriel didn't do that.

Because instead of Adrien Gabriel chose the potential perfectly perfect son he wants and turned his back on the one standing right in front of him. Cuz remember what Gabriels goal IS. He wants to change the past, so non of this ever happened in the first place.

Meaning Gabriel turning his back on our present Adrien doesn't mean that Gabriel outright hates Adrien now by the next second cuz he dared to disobey his orders like that. But it means that Gabriel is choosing to separate these two Adriens in his mind, making endangering, hurting and working against THIS Adrien more of a collateral damage than actually hurting his own son. THAT son, the one Gabriel convinces himself he is fighting for, is waiting for him in the past alongside Emilie.

This separation was probably always there since Gabriel started trying to change the past hence why he justifies Adriens unhappiness and the way he abandones him as necessary sacrifices.

But the real separation started HERE, this marks the first time Gabriel just left Adrien behind in a position of complete and deliberate endangerment, knowing that the possibility of Adrien being Chat is still there but choosing to say: "if he indeed is, then that's an obstacle I will have to overcome."

This separation has been developing slowly but steadily through s2 and 3 right to "Chat Blanc" which tells us the future. Me elaborating on this "separation development" though became longer than I want to put in this post, therefore I will go into more depth about it another time.

So let me continue with this:

Adrien is like... Genuinely not even angry. More deeply sad.

He was appropriately and truly hurt when Gabriel only started talking about the ring but once Gabriel turns around and walks away? He looks after his father but more in a way as if he is waiting to see if Gabriel would actually take so much offense in him backtalking him to legitimately LEAVE like this. And Gabriel does.

Adriens intentions wasnt to make his father leave, When he talked back at him it was more of a hurt call out for Gabriel to say more, SOMETHING ELSE, but not to LEAVE!

Adrien then does something very common for people in a fight who wait for the leaving person to turn around again but have to realize that they hope in vain and the other person actually is done with this moment.

His face and body relaxes, he turns completely to the door and seems to... take it in.

Especially in the way Adrien does it here its like he is processing and accepting that what he thought of his father was wrong. Adrien thought Gabriel cared enough for him that he would want to stay even if he backtalks him for example. Adrien expected a conversation here but now had to realize that his father isn't gonna put up with him at all or their differences in an upfront way if Adrien isn't "behaving right". Gabriel will just cut the moment short and deflect whatever conversation with him he doesn't like.

All in all what Adrien took away from this moment with his father is even if Gabriel may care for him (enough to come and hug him as an apology) this care and affection is tightly bound to the way Adrien himself then reacts. If he reacts in a way Gabriel doesn't like he will very quickly deem Adrien undeserving of his affection and take it (and his entire presence) away again.

The way Adrien looks then at his ring also makes me think that he definitely blames himself for how this moment ended. That he "shouldn't have overreacted" and taken such personal offense by his fathers attempt to reconnect with him even if Gabriel hit one hell of a sore point.

This is of course BS. Even if Adrien wasn't Chat Noir the way Gabriel just straight up deflected the conversation to the ring right after the hug, where one normally starts to explain oneself and truly TALK, would have been seriously hurtful even under non-miraculous circumstances.

But it shows how Adrien by instinct immediately starts to invalidate his own feelings to look for the faults in himself. A self-hurtful coping mechanism that unfortunately only gets deepened as the dynamic between these two continues on. 

And lastly it also marks the first time that the ring is truly associated with something bad. Normally (especially so early in the show) the ring stands in association with Adriens freedom and spending more time with people outside, him getting to let loose a little and how he can spend time with the girl he loves. The ring began to loose these positive associations more and more from s2 onward but the first time was here.

It's the object which ruined the moment that could have ended this tragedy before it truly began in both of their eyes and in the viewers. Sure Gabriel being Hawkmoth is the true cause of it and nothing will ever change that but it's Adriens ring, not Gabriels brooch, that sets their separation further in motion. Further as Gabriel initially intended to.

It's the factor Gabriel overlooks Adrien himself for, which is truly brought home by the end scene of "Gorizilla" which serves as a mirror to this one here.

Whereas in "Jackady" Gabriel lost sight of the son right in front of him because of the ring and what its implies, in "Gorizilla" Gabriel thinks he finally received the evidence that Adrien isn't his enemy. So for the first time Gabriel completely disregards the ring, Chat Noir out of his mind, sees ADRIEN for himself and genuinely smiles at him. He can and does make a TRUE attempt at reconnecting!

Which is of course exactly what Adrien wanted for so long, what he hoped Gabriel would do if hes just patient enough with his father. He accepts Gabriels genuine attempt gladly, reassuring his father that he and his efforts are noticed, appreciated and wanted even after everything that happened so they can hopefully go on to a better future.

This is what would have saved this family back in "Jackady" if only Gabriel had chosen the right priority. But as I said before, this moment here happens in s2 after Gabriel crossed the line in Jackady, so this positiv moment can not save them anymore. Both Gabriel and Adrien are already too far in and influenced by their alter egos and the miraculous. So the brief reconnection couldn't last and everything continues to only further fall apart ever since.

And it all began with this beautiful, heartbreaking and tragic moment in "Jackady" these two will never ever be able to truly come back from again.

[orange-waterfalls]

...Happy New Year?

Darkiplier x gn!reader x Wilford

A/N: I am so disappointed and surprised that I haven’t written anything poly yet are you KIDDING ME. Does it take me 5 months to write a single fic? No. Might take me that long to find motivation and SINCE I don’t wanna be an ASSHOLE who takes requests and then DOESN’T WRITE THEM I’m probably gonna take a bit to think and figure out what I wanna do here with the blog. Uhhh reader is a retail worker who’s just. Tired and stressed. Dark and Wil decide to comfort them because good boyfriends are good! TW: mention of weed. And suggestive phrases? Also cursing. That’s it. Rated T. Enjoy and have a happy New Year everybody!

Word Count: 2.7k

--

“Do you have to?” Wilford all but whined when you got ready for work. Except he did not whine because he does not whine because he is Wilford Warfstache, thank you. “It’s New Year’s Eve!”

“I’m fully aware what day it is, hon,” You said in a very soft voice because you knew Wilford had to be let down gently or he’d be grouchy for the next few months. “That’s why I’m not working overtime. Hopefully. Maybe I can get Sara to take over my shift, she’s not doing anything tonight. I wish I could’ve taken the morning shift, I do.” Darkiplier appeared next to Wilford, looking just as desperate.

“Can you not just… not… go?” Dark suggested, trying not to sound too needy. He knew that he failed by the look you gave him.

“I have to work, boys.”

“Do you though?”

“Wilford...”

“I can get you money.”

“Are you suggesting illegal activities, Mr. Warfstache?”

“We are not… besides stealing.”

“Wil.”

“We could pawn off Mark’s stuff, it’s probably worth a lot!”

“Both of you, stop it!” You said in a stern voice. They both looked like kicked puppies and you felt a little bad about it. “I’ll get home when I get home. You know I love you. If I never had to leave you, I wouldn’t. But I gotta, ok?”

“Kissies?” Wilford asked, tapping the tips of his fingers together. Darkiplier looked at the motion and back at his own fingers, seemingly trying to replicate it. You stared at his hands for a moment, watching the struggle with a resigned sort of curiosity. Wilford also stared at them until he couldn’t take it anymore and just put his hands over Dark’s.

“Just-Just… stop.” He said gently. Dark lowered his hands and they both looked back to you. You shook your head.

“I’ll be back before midnight. Order some takeout, please.”

“Sure thing, boss!” Wilford saluted.

“Goodbye, darling.” Darkiplier gave a little bow. You smiled warmly, walking over to the two. Darkiplier turned his head and you kissed his cheek. You tried to do the same for Wilford, but he turned his head back at the last second to catch your lips in a kiss. Additionally, he grabbed your face to keep you there. You pulled away and gently smacked his cheek before heading back to the door. Darkiplier glared at him a little. He stuck his tongue out in response.

“Bye! Love you!”

“We love you too, babes!” Wil called, wrapping his arms around Dark’s neck and leaning against him. Dark waved a goodbye to you. You shut and locked the door behind you. 

“Wil?” Dark said after they stood like that for a while.

“Yep?” Wil responded with his cheek squished to Dark’s shoulder.

“If you’re gonna cling to me we could at least lay down.”

“Cuddle time?”

“Sure. Cuddle time. Come on.” Dark tried to walk to the three’s shared bedroom, but Wilford wouldn’t let go. He quirked an eyebrow at the reporter. “Wil?”

“Yes?”

“May you… let go?”

“No.”

“Wil.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Wil…”

“No.”

“We can’t cuddle if you don’t let go.”

“Lies. Deception.”

“Wil, please, work with me here.” They looked at each other. Wilford slowly removed his arms from around the other man’s neck. Dark caught one of his hands, bringing his palm to his lips and gently kissing his hand.

“Someone’s feeling affectionate!” Wil exclaimed. Dark intertwined their fingers and gave his hand a squeeze before finally walking to the room.

The bedroom had mostly shades of black, white, and blue decor, apart from the fluffy red pillows you just had to have, along with a few stuffed animals. Darkiplier had his office with his red and black velvet and Wilford had his own… wherever he hung out, so they didn’t mind you choosing the colors. Anything to stop Wilford from painting the walls yellow of all colors. 

Wilford turned around and pulled Dark in by his waist, swaying in a little dance. 

“What are you doing?” Dark tried and failed to conceal his smile and laugh.

“Dancing with my lover, what does it look like?” Wilford nuzzled their noses together.

“I thought you wanted to cuddle.”

“I do.”

“Then why are we dancing?”

“Can’t we just dance for a bit?” Darkiplier pulled back and looked at Wil, who was currently avoiding eye contact. He sighed.

“Feels a little weird without Y/N?” He asked. Wilford hummed, still not looking him in the eye. “We don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“I do want to.”

“We can wait until they get home, it’s really not--”

“I do want to…”

“But?”

“Mm…”

“Want to prove you aren’t absolutely whipped?”

“Excuse you?!”

“It’s not a bad thing.”

“I am-- You-- Wilford Warfstache simps for NOBODY!”

“Says Mr. Hundred Dollar Pillows.”

“Listen here you son of a bitch--” Wilford backed away and held up a finger to explain exactly why he was no simp. Dark took the opportunity to push him onto the bed. “Ooh! Frisky!”

“Shut it.” He climbed into the bed next to him. Wilford draped himself across Dark’s chest, nuzzling into him. They sighed contentedly. 

“Dark?”

“Mm?”

“What did I do to deserve you two?”

“Me? You were nice and accepting. I still don’t believe either of us deserve Y/N.”

“Oh, come on, there has to be something.”

“Wil, both of us have killed multiple people. I think whatever good we’ve done will get canceled out.”

“...right.”

They lay like that for a bit, enjoying just being there. Suddenly, Wilford picked his head up.

“What’s happening? You have a look? What is that look?” Dark furrowed his eyebrows.

“I have the best idea!” Wilford jumped up and ran to the closet.

“What?” Dark sat up.

“We are surprising our lover with romance!” He threw Dark’s suit at him, picking out his own at the same time.

“...and suits?”

“Yes! Well, your suit. It makes you look sexy.”

“Wil.”

“Their words, not mine!”

“Why are we--”

“It’s New Year’s, Dark! They’re stressed! They’re tired! They deserve a surprise! Where the Devil are my suspenders?”

“Wil, I don’t think--”

“That’s right, Dark. You don’t think. You can just sit there and look pretty while Wilford Lovemaster Warfstache plans it out!”

“Lovemaster?”

“I was due for a new middle name anyways. Chop chop!”

Dark hesitantly put on his suit while Wilford looked for his suspenders. He looked in the mirror, deciding whether he looked… “sexier” with or without a tie. He eventually decided without, even popping a few buttons of his dress shirt. Wilford walked back in, wearing a hot pink button up, yellow suspenders, and a blue bowtie.

“...hot!” He said before walking up next to Dark and taking a selfie of the two. Dark looked over his shoulder and watched him send it to you with the caption ‘your two special boys!’. He caught a look at some previous messages.

“Wil, what’s poggers?”

“New-fangled lingo, don’t worry about it. Do we have roses? Ask Illinois to bring us roses.”

“Wil, what is happening.”

“ROMANCE!” He yelled, exasperated. “Romance is happening, Dark.”

“Romance… right.”

“And suits, precisely. Come on, order Chinese from that place they like.”

“...is this a good idea? Suits and chinese?”

“It’s a fantastic idea, now order the goddamn food.”

--

Darkiplier and Wilford sat on the couch in your apartment, reading a book they’d found. Wil was leaning on Dark’s shoulder with one leg draped over his. There was a little time until New Year’s, and they really wanted to spend it with you. Dark would never admit it, but he missed you. Quite a lot, actually. You’ve weaseled your way into his heart and now he’s a little dependent. Wil would proudly scream it to the world if he could. Dark would never let him.

Dark glanced up at the clock, seeing the 11:00 time. He scowled, closing the book and tossing it to the other side of the couch. He leaned his head back and sighed. He debated calling you with Wilford beforehand, maybe even just to hear your voice on the voicemail, but he was sure that would be too needy of him. He has a reputation to uphold, thank you very much.

“Miss your other lover, Darkipoo?” Wilfor teased.

“Obviously. I’m used to two heat sources, not one.”

“Oh, am I not good enough for Mr. Darkiplier?”

“I never said that.”

“You were thinkin’ it.”

“You can’t read minds, Wil, stick to your interviews.” He said in a faux-mocking manner. They smiled at each other.

Dark shot up from the couch the moment he heard your key in the lock. He adjusted his suit, squared his shoulders, and cleared his throat. He couldn’t help a smile as he held a white rose, Wilford doing the same as he held a pink one.

So, of course, they jumped a little when you slammed the door behind you.

“Uh. Darling? Are you--”

“I fucking hate EVERYTHING!” You yelled. Dark blinked. He glanced at WIlford, who looked just as surprised. You paced around the living room, looking like you were about to commit murder. He shuffled closer to Wilford, and leaned in.

“Wil, what are we supposed to do?” He whispered.

“Improvise. Adapt. Overcome.” Wilford said in a voice that told Dark he was quoting something.

“Wil, I don’t know what the fuck that is.”

“It-It’s a meme-Do you just not go on the internet? Ever? Nevermind, just follow my lead.” He grabbed the roses, putting them in a nearby cup of water. He walked over to where you were and gently grabbed your shoulders. “Here, darling, sit, tell us about it.” 

He led you to the couch and sat you down, sitting next to you. He snapped his fingers at Dark, pointing to your shoulders. Dark hesitantly walked over and started to massage your shoulders. You sighed a little, relaxing. Wil nodded and gave him a thumbs up.

“There were so many assholes today, man.”

“Mm-hm. Tell Wilford about it.”

“There was this guy who kept asking where this one thing that we didn’t have was, this lady kept insisting her coupons were not expired, don’t even get me started on Jared and Melissa.” 

“Who are Jared and Melissa?” Dark asked.

“Oh, FUCK Jared and Melissa!” You suddenly got to your feet again and started pacing again.

“Y-Yeah, fuck Jared and Melissa!” Wil agreed. “Who are Jared and Melissa?”

“Hell if I know, just go with it, I’ll get the takeout.” Dark patted him on the back.

“Angel wasn’t even there to talk to today, God, I miss them so much already.”

“Angel is the coworker who…”

“Oh, they have the cats, Socks and Mittens.”

“Oh, so Angie--”

“Angie is Angelo, and he smokes weed in the back. He’s cool too. He was too high to fucking function today, though.”

“So, uh, where was Angel?” Wil looked back into the kitchen and saw Dark loading up their plates with the food. Wil suddenly remembered that he was wearing a pink shirt. He didn’t know whether the stains would be prominent and he did not intend to find out. He snuck away into the bedroom to change. Suits were a bad idea, he should’ve listened to Dark. 

He changed into a T-shirt with the design of a suit and some grey sweatpants and somehow made his way back to the living room before you’d finished your first sentence. You noticed this, because you stared at his change of clothes.

“...weren’t you wearing a suit? Like an actual one?”

“No.”

“But-”

“I wasn’t.”

“You sent me a picture.”

“The, uh… suits were… part of a different… situation…” He said, not knowing what the fuck he was actually saying to you. You seemed to get something from it because you said:

“Ah. I see.” Before going back to your rant. Wil looked at Dark as he walked into the living room. He wasn’t wearing the suit jacket, only the black dress shirt. He also had black pants instead of the white ones.

Wilford nodded and whispered “Good choice.” Dark nodded and whispered “I told you so.”, so Wilford flipped him off. Dark sat the plates down while Wil pushed you down by your shoulders. You buried your face in your hands and groaned. Wil rubbed a hand up and down your back while Darkiplier poured drinks. You rubbed your face before leaning back and letting them drop. You looked down at the food. Then at Wilford. Then at Dark.

“Am I… missing something?” You said in a small voice.

“Hm?” Wil tilted his head at you.

“I feel like something was supposed to happen. Did I ruin your plans?” You frowned, starting to feel guilty. 

“No, no, darling, you couldn’t ruin anything.” Wilford shifted closer to you and put his arm around your shoulders, rubbing up and down your arm.

“You sure? It feels like something I could do…”

“You could never because anything involving you is perfect.” Dark whispered after he gently took your chin in his hand and turned you towards him.

“Booooooo.” Wil called.

“Wha?”

“That was so cheesy, Dark.” You smiled.

“So sappy. Disgusting.” Wil agreed.

“Shameful.” You both shook your heads.

“Both of you can fuck off.” Dark huffed and crossed his arms. You kissed him, gently holding his face in your hands, making him smirk.

“Hey! How come the edgy one gets a kiss kiss!”

“You tricked me this morning, no kiss kiss for you!”

“Dark! Tell them!”

“You heard them, no kiss kiss.”

“Wh-”

“Hey, I have an idea! Why don’t we eat and watch shitty rom coms!”

“Don’t you wanna watch the clock?” Dark asked.

“Not particularly…” You looked down and the smile left your face. Wilford and Dark gave each other a look before they each took one of your hands and squeezed them.

“Ok. We can do that.”

--

The three of you laid in bed, you and Wilford cuddling into either side of Dark. Countdown forgotten, already passed a while ago. Dark still had his dress shirt and you were still wearing your work clothes. Dark stared at the ceiling, focusing on the sounds around his. 

The fireworks outside.

The clock ticking rhythmically.

The soft and constant breathing from his two favorite people.

He took a deep breath and tried his best to push down all the bad and intrusive thoughts.

What if I hurt them? What if they decide I’m not good enough? What if I’m not good enough?

No. No ‘what if’s. That doesn’t matter. What matters is they love him and he loves them. 

He looked down at you, your soft face squished into his arm, and he smiled at the warmth that bloomed throughout his chest. He looked over at Wilford and sucked in a breath when he found him staring at Dark.

“...can’t sleep?” Wilford said in an uncharacteristically quiet voice.

“No, I just…” He took a deep breath. “I just…”

“Wha happened?” You slurred, waking up. Dark flinched.

“Both of you should go back to sleep.”

“Why’re you awake then?” Wilford challenged.

“I was just… thinking.”

“About?” You yawned.

“About… how much I… love you two.” Both you and Wilford froze and Dark’s breathing sped up, scared he’d done something wrong.

“Awww, he wuvs us!” Wil giggled.

“How much do you wuv us, Dark?” You crossed your arms on his chest, resting your cheek against them and looking at Dark.

“...a lot.” He monotoned, staring at the ceiling.

“Do you wuv us soooo much?” Wilford batted his eyelashes.

“I’m starting to love you less and less.” Dark growled.

“Awwww he does!” You laughed

“Go. Back. To. Sleep. Please.” Darkiplier begged because Darkiplier does apparently beg, who would’ve thought.

“Yessir…” you said, another yawn taking over the word. You got back into your previous position, your arms gripping his and pressed into his side. Wilford took a similar one, just a little further up. You fell back asleep after a little bit, but the other two stayed awake.

“Happy you have both of your heatsources back?” Wilford whispered, a smile evident in his voice. Dark sighed, closing his eyes and focusing on the feeling of both his loves holding onto him like a lifeline. A ghost of a smile crossed his face.

“Yes. I am.”

[izzyliker]

Hey, asking you this as nicely as I can but can you give the immediate victim blaming a break. The absolute lack of respect you have for the people tmc abused is genuinely disheartening. Yes, he’s a shitty person, you’re entitled to hate him but immediately going “well you should’ve seen it coming earlier lol we’ve been saying this” is just ASTONISHINGLY shortsighted and cruel. Have your opinions about him and the situation all you want I would just ask that you please keep it to yourself due to the many many people he’s hurt that are still on here and can see you disparaging them.

ok, that is not what i have been saying. "well you should've known" is not an accurate summary of my feelings on this matter but apologies if thats how it came across. i have been in an abusive relationship where the person did a lot of the same things and i, too, defended that person without considering how it impacted other people. i almost lost my best friend because of how i acted as a result of keeping him in my life while people around me kept telling me to get tf out. i know.

what i am is im frustrated and annoyed by how long people were willing to publicly and passionately defend this guy while apparently fully aware what kind of shit he was doing to other people, many of which is detailed in the callout itself, and how this is now being framed as news. before the document itself was published all me (or anyone) had to go off of was vague posts that amounted to a "callout trailer" and almost all of the information on it was shit that was 100% completely public knowledge. 20+ people being aware of all that goddamn stuff and not one of them publicly stopping associating with him is frustrating. it comes across as spineless and yes, like one anon told GD, gaslighty (although i have my own issues with this being used on a large scale instead of in interpersonal relationships but i understand where they were coming from). his lesbophobia, transphobia (strange that none of the transphobia towards trans men was mentioned?), and panphobia/aphobia/biphobia were widely documented and seeing that on a callout post as if it were news was extremely tiring.

ive since read the callout. the interpersonal actions seem to have been horrible but sadly im not surprised (by which i dont mean "and neither should you" but rather. my spidey senses for this sort of behavior are pretty accurate most of the time and i did see this coming. this isnt me saying im Better than these people or that they shouldve as well but rather that i have learned to identify people of this genre.) by any of them.

also im 75% sure this is tumblr user GD. hello. if not then apologies, its just that the typing here is very similar. if it is, i think you trying to both take accountability for this and process whatever it is youre processing at the same time on tumblr is a bad idea and going to just lead to people feeling hurt and betrayed because while i truly do see where the reaction is coming from (like, truly, i understand, believe me), if you say "i take responsibility for how i acted while being manipulated" but then when people voice their negative feelings you tell them theyre victim blaming you it is going to reflect poorly on you. i dont think you understand how many people were absolutely hurt by the enabling you and your large, massively popular group of friends did for him, including the MASSIVE defense rant you typed up in defense of him when someone sent an ask to the bi jon event about him being panphobic and aphobic. whether its fair for people to expect you to immediately go into depth about it is questionable but dont invite people to do this when you obviously cannot handle it (i dont mean this in a bad way like "oh you should handle it". i mean genuinely this is how you get burnt out and possibly worsen possible future trauma. by trying to immediately placate people without having the mental resources to do so.)

i think the "we dont condone these views and never did!" without ever specifying what they were or doing any other work there is a lazy fucking cop-out. your circle was/is massively popular and a lot of people took all of you as authorities on stuff like headcanons and respectful portrayals of certain characters or identities to the point of accepting your meta as canon (something you havent really dissuaded ever), and associating publicly with someone who would constantly do this kind of shit and then defending him publicly while also positing yourself as an authority isnt something you can just "oops! we never agreed with him!" yourself out of. GD & TF specifically, you are massive blogs. you are babys first TMA blog. people in your askbox hurt and betrayed by this shit are not necessarily there to victim blame you. they are there because they trusted your word when they said "hey seraf reblogged anti pan and anti ace and weird transphobic posts" and you said "seraf is one of my dearest friends and would never do any of those things and im personally offended youd even imply that." i think you dont understand the real life consequences of the massively popular posts and sentiments he made & published and that you helped spread (despite apparently knowing that he was being a massive hypocrite and bigoted towards those groups or identities in his personal life). obviously interpersonal abuse/conflict is going to be "worse" but dear god i hope you collectively understand that "oh btw we never endorsed his views" is a massive copout and a shit apology for the hurt this association and endorsement caused. tmc has been terrorizing this fucking fandom for months with his bullshit and bigotry and you have not been passive bystandars but active enablers.

anyways, hope everyone involved gets to uh, heal i suppose, but i think expecting the people who seraf suicide baited, the groups of trans men he misgendered, the people who he targeted and harassed, the genuine fucking long lasting dysphoria he caused real people to have over his shitty takes re: transness and dysphoria, and the general shit behavior he was allowed to keep up with zero pushback from anyone in his circle of the fandom to drop all the anger or frustration they have for the people who enabled him and defended him aggressively is... unrealistic. and makes you look bad. especially when the doc doesnt even clarify which opinions you still support.

[illfoandillfie]

when will requests open?

short answer....officially, probably never but feel free to send in a little idea or two if you have them

long answer....

My bio has said requests are closed since sometime in 2019 - I don't remember when exactly but someone sent an ask in August that year mentioning my requests being closed. For context, I started this blog in Feb 2019.

I closed them at a time when the fandom was very active. I was full of ideas and a little overwhelmed by them all, and having random suggestions appear in my inbox uncontrollably made getting anything finished harder. The fandom is less active now and I don't think i'd get as many random requests as I used to. But I still don't want to officially open them again.

I take requests as I want them, whenever I feel like doing a little blurb event or the like (which i have been doing for the last week, though obviously less intensely than i used to). I am also totally okay with you submitting a request out of the blue, at random. What I don't want is for someone to send me 20 different requests at the same time, unless i ask them to. My inbox is already full of things I haven't written and may not ever get around to writing. Even with this latest bday blurb thing i've been doing, I have got way more requests than I could fill, even if I was seriously attempting to write 29 of them (like i semi joked i might.)

The truth is, I'm not really as....I don't want to say i'm not as passionate about writing as I used to be because i fucking love writing and i don't want to give it up. But it has felt harder to do lately. I think theres a few reasons why:

it's not always easy to stay motivated to write in a fandom that is much much less active than when I started writing.

My interests have shifted in the last 4 years, as is only natural. Which is why i've also started writing for pedro because hes my current celeb crush and he's doing a lot of stuff that keeps me fuckin fed.

tied into interests shifting, i've been making an effort to get back into reading lately and i find that sometimes it can be difficult to be both a reader and a writer because there are only so many free hours in a day and so much i wanna do.

my work sitch has changed a fair bit in the last 4 years - i work at a new school and im working more hours now than i used to. I no longer have the sort of environment where i have the space to spend an afternoon writing at my desk instead of my real work. I do have 1 full day off a week now but often im kinda worn out and not necessarily in a good writing headspace. (plus, the end of last year was so draining and the start of this year wasn't easy because of staffing changes)

I've not talked about it much but i've been kinda stuggling with my identity lately, especially in regard to sex. I know i am attracted to men and (some) women, and getiing into writing all this smut stuff was defs something of a sexual awakening for me. But i am also very aware that irl i stuggle with sex stuff. I have a lot of anxiety related to sex that i probably should talk to a therapist about and which definitely impacts how i approach sexual situations. and sometimes it can get in the way of writing smut. it's something i've dealt with basically since i starting writing for this fandom but it seems to have gotten worse lately and its defs been impacting the sort of sex i feel drawn to reading/writing about.

So yeah....harder to stay motivated to write.

I really wanted this bday blurb thing to be like it would have been a year or two ago where id just pump out blurb after blurb after blurb. Instead i've been lucky if I get one posted a day.

So, officially, requests are closed and will remain closed. If I want suggestions I will ask for them. Until then I have the massive series im working on (ADKoE), the small series/one shots that are in my wips folder, and plenty of previously requested ideas from this bday event and other blurb events i've held in the last however many years.

[bigskydreaming]

In a mood and I’m trying not to be, but oof. Not easy at the moment. Real life stresses are kicking my butt and I’m decidedly limited in resources for addressing that at the moment, so might as well get this off my chest, lol. Already lost the usual fifty followers or so I lose every single time I post about stuff the way I did the other day, so what’s some more, y’know?

So earlier today I tried to get my mind off things with some fic, and happened across one I hadn’t read before that promised Jason and Dick talking things out and bonding. Halfway through I sighed and went oh, this is familiar, and skipped to the bottom to check the end notes and comments to see if there was any mention of this next part, but nope. The reason for the sigh was it took me about halfway into the fic to realize that it was blatantly inspired by my post about what if Jason was missing some memories from his death/resurrection and the Pit, like specifically the ski trip they took, stuff like that. Now I’m not so egotistical as to think nobody but me has certain ideas, but its fairly easy for me to recognize when someone is basing something off a post of mine because of specific turns of phrases that I use and like, they hit ten or so bullet points from my post without missing a one. Like, there’s parallel evolution and similar ideas, and then there’s going down a check list, y’know?

And don’t get me wrong....I don’t mind people basing stuff of my posts, being inspired by them, etc. I WANT that. I’m GLAD to have that happen.

The part I mind is the way this all ties back into my interaction with fandom as a whole....and this fandom’s interaction with me. Which I don’t tend to hear NEARLY as much about as I tend to have people giving me shit about my impact on fandom....but ONLY the negative impact.

In the four years or so that I’ve been active in this fandom, I can think of only three people who have given me some kinda shout out for being the basis of one of their fics. Three people. And in that time I’ve come across literal dozens of fics that I am almost certain can trace their way back to popular posts of mine. There’s the post about Jason’s memories and the ski trip for one - this fic isn’t an isolated occurrence, I’ve found a good half a dozen or so I feel fall into the same pattern. There’s fics based off my posts about how fucked up the blame Dick got for Spyral was, with my certainty based on the fact that I know I’m the only fucking person who ever brought up various key phrases like “Bruce not having an extraction plan for Dick’s highly dangerous undercover op, leaving him stranded when Bruce got/(chose) amnesia.” I made a big deal about that in a few posts because of the fact I NEVER saw that particular element raised in any fics, and a couple months after I started including that bit regularly, I was seeing the words ‘without an extraction plan’ in every other new post Spyral fic. That’s not a coincidence.

There’s been stuff that included bits and phrasings from my post about Dick and Jason being partners who focused on helping kids who had been abused specifically....oh wait, no, my bad. The two fics I’m thinking of there lifted straight up entire lines from that post but just made it about Jason and TIM doing that instead, despite like.....the entire basis of that headcanon stemming from Dick’s juvie origin but whatever. There’s been stuff based on juvie posts of mine, stuff based on posts I’ve made about Mirage, there’s been stuff based on the post about Jason looking into why Dick was undercover as a mob enforcer and then Renegade, there’s been stuff clearly inspired by my headcanons about Jason calling Dick for advice after the Garzonas case. I could go on. There’s a fucking LOT.

I don’t try to give myself too much credit but I’m not unaware of being a loud voice in this fandom and that having an impact. And like I said, I’m not adverse to inspiring people to make their own stuff based off an idea they initially saw me present. That’s fine. People should feel free to do that. My problem is that none of this exists in a vacuum. It exists in a fandom where I regularly get people lecturing me on my presentation, people hyping up how negative I make fandom, my condescension, my anger, my hostility, etc, etc. 

But the thing I never see is any awareness whatsoever that like....dudes, I’m literally just a guy on the internet. And that goes two ways. Yeah, I have an impact on people, but they have one on me too. And I’m tired and frustrated by it being acted like this is a one way street and everyone is just helpless victims of my bullying, while meanwhile SOME OF THE EXACT SAME PEOPLE GIVING ME CRAP FOR MY NEGATIVITY are ACTIVELY adding to their own fics with stuff that I JUST posted about.

And like, I see people vagueblogging about the negativity on their dashes and its impact on fandom right after I have a Dick Grayson rant blow up and get a few hundred notes......but its acted like I DID that to fandom, that’s my negativity and mine alone when its like....y’know, if you’re not following me yourself, and this stuff is still on your dash, you uh....have to be following people who reblog my negative posts for some reason or another. And given that there are obviously reasons you follow THOSE people, maybe instead of worrying about what I’M doing all the time, you can spare a thought or two for the fact that I don’t have any power to make people reblog anything, and for whatever reason, something about my oh so negative post resonated with those people reblogging it onto your dash, which also kinda suggests it wasn’t negative in THEIR eyes, but was actually a kind of validation of thoughts or feelings they already had?

Trust me, there’s no mind control ray at work here. This mood is also brought to you by the cricket sounds that come every time I fucking BEG people to reblog and signal boost posts I make about rape/abuse fandom trends and depictions from my POV as a survivor, specifically. Like I mentioned, I LOSE followers every time I bring that stuff up. It doesn’t benefit me in any way whatsoever, in fact my notes tend to go comparatively radio silent for a good couple weeks after I go off on one of those jaunts, because idk, people don’t want THEIR mutuals and followers to think they agree with some of my oh so controversial stances?

Actually, I say idk, but I do know is the thing, because people actually go on anon and tell me they appreciate me posting stuff like this, and its like.....that....doesn’t actually make me feel good? Because I never expect any single person in particular to reblog me, but when I say crickets after I post on those topics, I mean CRICKETS. I’m lucky if I can get five reblogs on those posts in total, and those are usually all from the same people. It actually kinda sucks knowing that people agree with me and what I have to say there, but they won’t put it on their own blogs because this fandom is so fucking STEEPED in its views, they don’t want to risk their friendships or back-and-forths with certain popular fandom authors by rocking the boat.

Because meanwhile I’m making myself target practice for the people who really would like me to shut up on certain topics but are too cowardly to ever confront me directly about why they dislike what I have to say there, in the vain hope that other people might finally even just START to pass some of that on even for consideration....because I can make waves by myself just by being loud and consistent, but I can’t do shit to actually make CHANGE without other people agreeing in PUBLIC so that fandom is forced to confront the fact that no, certain opinions aren’t just one loud asshole being annoying, there’s an actual viewpoint here that people actually have in greater numbers than we realized and we DON’T have as much of a monopoly on this topic as we thought.

I have anons who give me shit accusing me of driving off certain authors by making this fandom not fun for them anymore, when like, I never even fucking INTERACTED with the authors in question. Some of the names I’m accused of driving off I don’t even KNOW. I’m called an ‘abusive survivor shaming cunt’ with zero irony or self-awareness that they’re literally doing the exact same thing because they don’t like the stance *I* take as a survivor posting about how ‘some survivors use dark fic/rape fantasy to cope’ shouldn’t be treated as a monolithic defense of such things if it leads directly into the same kind of survivor shaming other people view criticism of such fic as being in the first place.

I’ve had to unfollow mutuals because I post about how reblogging posts about purity culture is a direct fucking slap into the face to people like me whose stances on fandom culture are directly based on our own personal experiences and the intersection those have with various popular fandom takes.....like you don’t have to agree with all my takes obviously, but if you can’t see how framing a naive pursuit of ideological purity as the only possible reason people object to certain fandom trends when I’m literally standing right here saying no actually, the way these fandom trends impact me is the reason for me saying the things I say when I say “here’s how this fandom trend impacts me”.....like.....c’mon. 

And I’ve had mutuals unfollow me because despite following me because they liked my takes on social justice issues THEY care about, I just ‘post too much about what’s really just a personal issue’ and has no larger social relevance whatsoever, obviously. LOL. (Oh and this of course has nothing to do with them getting friendly with various popular authors on discord, who happen to be vocal about ‘disapproving’ of any fic criticism whatsoever. Just FYI, there’s a reason I haven’t followed anyone new or made any new mutuals in like....a year. I have my reasons for being....not quick about that).

I get condescended to constantly about not minding the tags, and then radio silence when I list literal examples of ways in which people haven’t tagged things correctly, tagged things at all, or literally used the tags in an attempt TO trigger people they just don’t like. 

And meanwhile, allllllll of this keeps happening while the general narrative is I’m this loud asshole guy with zero concern about anything but his own personal likes or dislikes and who makes fandom a negative place that’s unwelcoming in general. And with basically zero mention of all the ways in which I’ve contributed to this fandom, the amount of content I’ve made that has DIRECTLY inspired people, and the productive conversations I’ve started which have resulted in people actually changing the way they approach various characters or dynamics in fics.

Its THAT part that bugs me, specifically.

Look, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again now.....I’m not anyone’s victim. Negative fandom interactions are negative fandom interactions. All this complaining I’m doing here - lol, that’s all it is. I’m venting. I’m pissed off and I think its relevant to a greater fandom dynamic or tendencies a lot of people unknowingly or consciously reinforce, and so I’m just fucking SAYING it because while its not something I EXPECT this post will do much to change, if at all, I would still like it to change so any effort towards that end is still better than no effort at all...hence, my posting this rather than bottling it up so at least people have it to consider. 

If you don’t agree with it, if you don’t like that it exists at all, if it ruins your day to have to consider whether or not you or people you know or even like are active participants in what someone else is describing as y’know....fairly day-ruining in its own way? Hit that unfollow, that block, that make new text post button of your own and have your own rant about what a douchebag I am.

Literally all I’m trying to express is like.....fa*ndom’s got a lot to say about the stuff I have to say about fandom, but like....this is a two way interaction. A lot of people make a big deal about MY impact (again, JUST the negative though, lol) but I don’t ever see anyone ever addressing anyone else about hey maybe you could spare a thought or two about YOUR impact for a change as well.

I mean, what if....just maybe...what if.....a lot of my behavior or attitude has a lot to do with how people approach or talk about me BEFORE that display of attitude or certain behavior? Weirdly....I feel like maybe something that could then have a transformative effect on the kind of behavior or attitude people dislike from me....is.....them acknowledging or addressing things they might have done to prompt certain responses from me?

I don’t actually like being whiny or negative or down in general, just to be clear? If I see something I have a problem with or think could use change or improvement, I say so - but I pretty much always put an effort into expressing both WHY and HOW I think possible change could look - because I’m not generally interested in being negative for the sake of just being negative. I just....want things to be better. That’s not an obsession with purity or perfection, btw, I will NEVER understand how people think that survivors of rape and abuse (which include a lot more ‘antis’ than anyone else seems to want to acknowledge) and the like EVER expects perfection or thinks that the world will ever produce that - lol no I’m actually pretty clear that things being perfect is pointless, I’m just interested in BETTER.

But I mean, I like being goofy and silly and also analytical and contemplative and also creative and spontaneous. I like lots of things. I like lots of moods. I like producing, creating, generating, interacting, engaging, I like a million things more than I like THIS kind of mood, THIS kind of post.

But I’m just not someone who is content to sit and stew in that sort of thing when I know full well that the problem does not actually stem from something broken or flawed inside of me, because I’m also someone who does believe very strongly in periodic bouts of self-reflection and honest self-assessment.....so that I can change things about myself when and where I feel necessary. But this also has the effect of me also being VERY aware of when the problem is not internal, but actually just me having a perfectly valid reaction or emotional response to outside stimulus. Aka fandom’s interaction with me, every bit as much as my interaction with fandom.

So....posts like this. I’ll do my usual rituals, get myself back onto my preferred trains of thought soon enough on my own, because ultimately that is all I can control and just because I make posts like this doesn’t mean I ever EXPECT any specific result - or a result at all - to come from it. 

But, y’know, sue me for being hopeful.

I know. What an ass am I?

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

sometime in this last week, or this week coming, my blog has turned/turns 10. god. a decade old. a whole ass chunk of my life i’ve spent on this hellsite. when i began on here, i was a kid. a lost, lonely, depressed and anxious 15/16 year old kid. a kid scared of her future. a kid confused about her future. what to do for uni. to change schools or not??? to do drama/acting at uni or english/philosophy or to move 8hrs away to another regional uni to “escape” her “washed up, dead end hometown” that was so typical of all the pop-punk music that she was listening to at the time.

she was a tad overdramatic, loud, “funny” (as described by her school friends) and terribly forgetful in regards to homework and school assignments. she was angry at the world, most especially the catholic school she was fucking sick and tired of attending. but she was convinced that since she was the so-called “funny girl”, that she simply couldn’t be depressed or anxious. she believed herself unloveable because she didn’t look like a weird mixture of hayley williams and emo-pop queen lights. but now, i no longer believe that i have to look like the women that i looked up to in the ~emo scene~. fuck beauty standards. i am loveable.

in the years since joining tumblr, i’ve managed to get through business college, my undergrad degree and, well, failed out of postgrad due to obvious burnout and health issues amongst other things. although i’ve lost many friends irl and many followers/mutuals online on here. for those who’ve stuck around to see me get through all of this, thank you. to all the friends/casual mutuals that have since deactivated or only followed me for a short time then unfollowed; thank you.

like obviously i was never/have never been a massive popular blog on here, like thebootydiaries or vampireapologist (who has since deactivated a couple of months ago) with tens of thousands of followers. my follower count is still close to the 8,000 range at 7,892. obviously that’s still a lot of people (and of course, porn bots lmao and many, many non-active blogs), enough like one super old post from like 2012 tumblr pointed out, enough for a small to medium sized city or town, or something like that. i don’t know how many people i’ve really reached. i really don’t know how i actually amassed this small army of people.

i am aware though, that on other platforms like snapchat (lmao does anyone even use it anymore in 2021???)/instagram/youtube/tiktok etc, i’d PROBABLY be considered as some type of ~micro influencer (🤮🤮)~. hell, i actually had a bot slide into my notes about being one on here on this hellsite back in 2019. i don’t know if i’ve ever actually ~influenced~ anyone on here with my shitposts (when i started making some) or my personal posts. i don’t know my reach. even though, now, i do occasionally get featured on buzzfeed listicles (although pay me buzzfeed along with the OPs of those original embedded posts), i still don’t know how many people i’ve reached… and even with my very occasional checks of google analytics lmao. on top of this, grappling with the loss of followers at times is much, much easier than it was when i began on here and the first few years following that. i know that my follower count doesn’t determine my worth and stuff.

but over these 10 years, i have grown. i turn 26 this year. back in 2011, 15/16yo me never thought she’d be here. she was partially down the suicidal thoughts hole, with things about ~picturing her funeral and wondering who’d bother to turn up. if only she could pretend to be dead for a day to see who’d give a fuck~ and 16-18yo me was defs down it with her HSC hellscape thoughts in 2012/2013. that 3rd floor tafe/tech women’s bathroom window drop and the thought of scarring her class for life (and that cool dude from catholic school that she crushed on who ended up at tafe with her) with jumping out of it onto the concrete below. instead, she just posted on fb about ~being a failure~ etc which ultimately did lose her a bunch of facebook friends lmao. it was practically the same thing. her mental breakdown after the end of her hsc, where she let her earrings go green and get infected in her ears because “fuck self care, bc what the fuck is it??? i’ll never get better! let me fucking wallow in my self loathing bc it’s the only thing that i’m fucking good at!!!” so i no longer have my ears pierced. oh! it was just all too fucking much!!

i am happier today. i no longer have those semi-suicidal thoughts. hell, i almost died in 2020 from a fucking bowel aneurysm, after my stomach tumour excision surgery. that forced me to put things into perspective. i appreciate the little things . i appreciate the very few friends that i actually have. yes. i’m still depressed and anxious. some days are still shitty and hard. but nowhere as hard and shitty as they were back when i began on here 10 years ago.

how the fuck last 10 years have gone past, with my ass on here; clearing out my blog and caring more about doing that than my uni work (lmao whoops); having made some lifelong friends both internationally (from the US) and long distance domestically in australia, it’s been a long ride; i honestly have no fucking idea. obviously over these past 10 years, i’ve debated with myself over and over and over again whether i should delete/deactivate this account or not. would it make me healthier??? more than likely. but then when i have meltdowns or just inner ramblings i have to get out somewhere, where else to post??? on fb?? obvs not. it’s “attention seeking” or the like on there. no one will read them. no one will resonate. but on here??? even if i got/get one “like” in the notes or one “yo i feel this” response in the tags or replies, it feels like i’ve reached someone??? okay yeah. i know this place IS NOT therapy and i’m not using my followers as amateur (or probs even actual professional) armchair psychologists…. which is a thing i think people need to stop doing internet-wide: but that’s a whole other post that i reblogged a few days ago lmao. i really need to get another therapist, actually lmao.

but it’s the community i’ve found hard to leave. i have what feel like friends, when i’ve never been employed (still as of yet); and when all of my irl friends/acquaintances are working and doing the whole ~adulting~ and ~grown up life~ thing right. it’s also the frenzied rabidness of spite with hating staff’s godawful ideas. the memes. oh the memes. and also the RaWrInG 20s XD emo scene reemergence on here that’s kept me here. the messy petty drama from time to time of big blogs fighting it out.

this place really is bizarre and fun sometimes. and also the fact that i can still hide behind the ridiculous “roaring pikachu” URL that i made all those years ago. i am anonymous. it’s freeing. but on fb it’s all like “WHY WONT YOU ADD A BANNER IMAGE AND TELL US 20 FUN FACTS ABOUT YOU!!!!!???? LET PEOPLE WHO HAVENT SPOKEN TO YOU IN 10 YEARS KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU BECAUSE WE’RE ALL FRIENDS HERE!!!” and the same goes for Corporate Hellscape Facebook™️ (linkedin) but in the professional sense instead. y’all know fuck all about me really. besides my posts. and i love that and live for that. okay yeah. y’all know more about my mental health than my fb feed obvs… which is probably a terribly unfortunate thing. but still.

over the last 10 years then, my superiority complex for being ~so original and intelligent~ or whatever the fuck i had in high school, has all but ebbed away. i’m not that smart just because i went to uni. hell, i literally did NONE of my in-class work and none of my philosophy readings in uni….. so i have fuck all idea of how i got through undergrad like that lmao. i’m not original when so many people can articulate the same thoughts that i have, but like, sometimes better, on a post (even though sometimes/most of the time the Tumblr User Hot Takes Tuesday™️ takes on here are fucking awful lmao). but still. originality is not something i really have anymore. or really had in the first place lmao.

so will i deactivate after these 10 years, like i’ve been saying for so, so long??? i honestly have no idea. but just know. thanks guise. have a nice gpoy selfie day XD. grab your wands. your tardises. grab your war paint. grab your whatever the fuck other fandom specific stuff that was one that hella cringe post from 2011 til 2015 random tumblr. that relic is as old as time itself. just as this mysterious roaring pikachu is for someone whose too loyal to leave this W E B B E D H E L L S I T E that’s just as much of a train wreck as she is. lmao.

[mercuriallatina]

in case something happens to me.......

okay, so i have to share this because i'm starting to feel so unsafe that i've began the process of starting a google doc with all this shit to keep in case something were to happen to me in my real life.

!!!!this is about a man who has been stalking me and pretending to be a lesbian woman from multiple accounts (despite me blocking and clocking every new account) over the course of a year. some of the language i expose can get sexual and sexually violent, so if this is something that may trigger you, please do what you got to do for your mental health including not reading this post past this point!!!!

it first started when i posted to a sapphic blog on here to find other sapphic people. ( @sapphicseekingsapphic - they are aware of this and have been helpful with getting the word out)

how it started: in short, i received a message from "Emily", a 22, lesbian girl living in San Francisco. i hadn't really ever dealt with a catfish before, so i felt overly safe and talked to this account. a lot. we exchanged snap info and talked there too, and we even exchanged nude photos and videos. i talk more about it in length in the post linked to the words of this paragraph but be warned for sexual content. this is the post all about the Emily catfish.

the confession: here is where they randomly came clean about being a catfish to me on litha last year.

this might be the most important part of the whole post: their snapchat username was "baalnayak", and they use it for other socials as well. i had someone compare the ip addresses, and it lines up. (but also.. since revealing the ip address part, they started using something to hide theirs) i 100% suggest preemptively blocking them everywhere possible. don't confront, don't interact. block.

the continued catfishing: over the course of this past year, they have made so many accounts to repeatedly not do this to just me, but sapphic people in general, despite some of us making it adamantly clear we realize what is going on and demanding it to stop. (i'll have a list of all the accounts they've used toward the end.)

**a very short break from this shit ensues for maybe four or so months**

the return:- after the emily aka the electicalbuzz account confessed to being a catfish to me and i brought it to the public attention, they deactivated. disappeared? no. because they were using all these other accounts, but i'm sure they thought it was so discreet. HOWEVER, last month, they had the audacity to make an account called "eclecticalbuzz" (clever, huh?) and literally message me again as someone else despite it being obvious as fuck that it was them. a lot of it was i had changed my url in the few months they left me the fuck alone, and so when they returned, they didn't realize i was me.

other people coming forward: obviously, i updated my previous posts and got the word out, including messaging sapphicseekingsapphic. because of this, a few other people came forward with the same stories and helped spread the word about their new urls on here. i am thankful for them, but i will not be the one telling you all who these other victims are. if they want to reveal who they are, they can, but i am not about to put other people in potentially dangerous situations. some of them have already publicly made it known who they are, but i find no need to reiterate their identities.

this shit continues: so in just the past month, i have been messaged by this person on maybe four or five new accounts. there are very, very, VERY specific things this person does on all their accounts that constitute the glaring red flags. these specific things, the weird timing, and confirmed ip addresses of the earlier accounts are all the confirmation i need. i will not be publicly listing off their habitual red flags because they probably are reading this right now, and i don't need them to be self-aware in that sense.

here are the list of urls and social media handles that they have used!!! any active urls that have not been confirmed are not listed:

electicalbuzz (deactivated) (tumblr)

eclecticalbuzz (deactivated) (tumblr)

flowers-of-gay (tumblr)

theforestriver (deactivated) (tumblr)

ninacef (tumblr)

bugzation (tumblr)

johnvalent1no (deactivated) (tumblr)

sarahhh902 (snapchat)

baalnayak (snapchat)

**there are quite a few active accounts i am highly suspicious of but have yet to confirm, so they are not on the list... yet.

alright, this is it for now. if you read all of this or helped in any other way, THANK YOU. if you have any new or even just corroborating information about ANY of this, send me a private message if you're comfortable.

signal boost this if you feel okay to do so, and stay safe.

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

pls scream about Leo a lil bit cause my love for that man is neverending and i live for you guys' blog,,, and ur comte love fuels me??? head empty except for those two pureblood clowns

HNGNGNG I hope that both you and everyone that reads my shenanigans knows how utterly understood I feel when I see anyone stan Comte, if not both of those idiot purebloods bc good lord...I live for two tired fossil men that just want DOMESTIC BLISS. Literally they have no brain cells beyond respect women and we love that for us, it’s spectacular!!

Under a cut bc I went off and is long:

That being said I’d be happy to yell abt Leo!! Where do I even begin, this man was the reason I got into Ikevamp in the first place, and I’ve read just about every single one of his events at this point. He just makes me so TENDER!!!!!! For whatever reason the first thing that came to mind was this one time he lies about being jealous and MC is lolol u a fool if you think I can’t tell when you lie to me. And he’s so fuckiNG SHOOK?????? It’s even funnier because she’s internally like [I’m not 100% sure but for a second there he almost looked mad...time to test this theory even if it’s just A GAME T H E O R Y] And he’s so fucking pikachu meme that shit sends me. I can’t handle the fact that he’s so used to people just assuming he’s fine, that he can handle himself. That he’s lived for so long without really anyone noticing at all. (Comte absolutely notices and will lightly roast him, but doesn’t really push him about it or wants to overstep). And so when MC just actively pays attention and is so gentle with him he’s just floored???

God I’m crying now, but I will just never forget the funeral scene in his fucking rt. This asshole, this absolute moron, straight up tries to come at us with “yOu GeT uSeD tO iT aFtEr HaLf A mIlLeNiUm, i’M nOt SaD”. Like are you serious. Come here and let me hold you before I throttle you. Absolute clown. He’s just always trying so hard to get by on his own and it breaks my heart. How long...how long has he lived just getting by, nursing his own wounds and dragging himself up all by himself. HE LEFT HOME AT LIKE 14 (whatever the fuCK SOME TOO YOUNG AGE) AND RAN STRAIGHT INTO THE HANDS OF PEOPLE THAT HATED HIM FOR HIS TALENT. HE REMEMBERS HIS MENTORS DESTROYING HIS UTENSILS WHILE TRYING TO ESCAPE PARENTS THAT WHOLEHEARTEDLY REJECTED ANY EXPRESSION OF LOVE OR COMPASSION FOR HUMANITY THAT HE CHERISHED SO DEEPLY. I DON’T NEED SLEEP I NEED TO HUG HIM IMMEDIATELY FUCKING HELL.

Like.........there’s just........I don’t know how to explain it, but I once saw it explained so well in a post. It was basically talking about Castlevania, and how in that show Dracula sees humanity’s folly and develops so much hatred he just goes straight to murder rage. And while in some ways I understand that, I understand even more deeply Trevor’s response to humanity’s fear and violence. He says that he knows they’re short-sighted, that maybe we all just don’t deserve saving...but that he’s going to do it anyway. Leonardo just so much gives me that energy of knowing there’s so much pain in the world, but all we can do is keep walking--keep trying, even if we have to claw our way forward. Because if you only see the awfulness in front of you, you forget the way that strangers make silly faces at babies to make them laugh on the train, how a friend will put everything down to race over to someone and comfort them with some ice cream--do anything they can to distract them from the hurt. How the sight of a child crying will prompt careful cooing from a stranger as to their bravery, an offering of cool water, the gentle placement of a bandaid. How a pair of teenagers will spot a lost child in milliseconds and help them seek out their parents protectively. There is so much wretchedness, but also so much beauty in it all, and the older I get the more I see myself wanting to believe in the latter. I want to be hopeful, and easily impressed, and full of love. To be bitter and jaded accomplishes nothing, and only becomes a worsening self-fulfilling prophecy. The more you seek negativity, the more you will find it; and worse, create it.

I also scream a little bit bc like. I’ve gone on and on about how Comte is very obviously in love with MC all the time, and sure that may be true. But...I really don’t think Leo is exempt from that either if I’m honest lmfao. Only because what does Leonardo do when it isn’t his route? He almost never shows up. Once in a while he might appear for a split second in a scene, but he almost never converses with MC beyond those short moments. While Comte is the one to pine openly, I’d wager Leo is the opposite. He pines in absolute silence, because he knows that if he gets any closer--he’s going to fall. He’s going to enjoy it too much, going to keep seeking out more before he can stop himself. And losing another person he loves...he just can’t do it anymore. In his first meeting story he talks about seeing MC’s eyes and feeling like he’d known them all his life, and even in his MS he speaks to just being completely fascinated by and enamored of her. She doesn’t hesitate, always does her best, meets people head-on and without much hesitation. After a lifetime of people that are probably just immediately interested in him for his talents, or always seeking out his company for the novelty, this is someone that doesn’t give a single fuck if he’s Leonardo da Vinci. Sure she’s aware, and sure she’s impressed to some extent, but her respect--her attraction and admiration--is something that has to be earned. 

There’s something so refreshing about how their love was written. Sure it’s the whole fake marriage to a real relationship, but it’s also a kind of subtle enemies to lovers pulled off masterfully. MC is 100% minding her own business, just wants to do what she must in order to get home, tries to focus on her work to keep from thinking about how much she misses her old life. She doesn’t rely on anyone, doesn’t talk about how hard it is or how scary it is or how confusing. And even Leonardo forgets in his curiosity, is just chillin and also just trying to do the bare minimum to keep from getting too attached--figures he can admire her from a distance. And then he sees her staring at the hourglass. And suddenly, he can’t just watch her do that herself. Just wait for the hard times to pass, just sit with her own loneliness--that hollowing silence. There’s something so moving about it because he reaches out precisely because he knows that feeling to his fucking marrow, and literally just cannot watch somebody else do that to themselves. Sure he’s been dealing with it for three hundred years, BUT THIS GOOD BABIE CHILD DOES NOT DESERVE THIS. SHE WORKS HARD AND DESERVES NICE THINGS!!!!!!!! And so he drives her crazy as he races ahead of her, intercepting any attempt for her to preserve that silence and hide. She doesn’t see any pattern to it, and that’s just how he likes it--he doesn’t want her to worry about the how or why. 

Like I fully remembering playing in Japanese and being like oh my fucking god this is hilarious, this man is just a wild fucker and I love this. I was enjoying myself, mostly laughing and shaking my head. But then it just gets so, so serious. I was having so much fun that I, like a fool, forgot the anime effect. If you’re having fun, it’s going to come crashing down without mercy soon enough. And it does. He helps a little girl without any hope play her violin again, and maybe I’m just too English major but I was fucking FLOORED when I realized I didn’t see that that was straight foreshadowing. That little girl without hope? That was MC (and by extension depending on how you play, us). Though the metaphor isn’t quite so easily mapped without a physical space, the connection is clear when you think about it. With his careful social awareness, he makes a place for MC to exist in the mansion so naturally--as though she was meant to be there from the start, crafts a positive impression of her presence with each of the residents. And he does it with zero expectation of anything in return; he’s just happy to see her not stressing herself out anymore or trying to do everything alone. MC doesn’t fall in love with him despite their differences, she falls in love with him because they are the same in a singular and all-encompassing way that matters; they both care about other people so deeply, to the point where they will forego any personal needs in order to make that person’s life easier. Whether it be muting their own hardship, or working to involve another person in a new space (or opening up to the point of self-destruction to keep a person from feeling alone), they go above and beyond what anybody asks of them--perhaps strong to the point of their own detriment, in some cases. 

It’s why I always laugh when he says to Sebastian “That cara mia, she has a good heart.” Of course she does, Leonardo; it certainly takes one to know one. 

And because I literally have no brain cells beyond being in fucking love with Leonardo THE LAKE SCENE IS AN AFFRONT TO MY DIGNITY AND SELF-CONTROL. HOW DARE YOU, SIGNORE. HOW DARE YOU ASK ME TO SIT THERE AND WATCH YOU OPEN YOUR HEART TO ME AND NOT BAWL MY EYES OUT AND TRY TO KISS YOU ALL AT THE SAME TIME. SIGNORE “hAhA yOu’Re So SmAlL yOu LoOk LiKe YoU’rE DrOwNiNg In My CoAt.” I WOULD DROWN AND DIE HAPPY--BITCH I TELL YOU THAT.

Like. I can’t think of another route I’ve ever done where I spent a good amount of time like “lmfao this guy is so wild im gonna punch him” to just be in a whirlpool of my own tears, regretting my entire fucking LIFE days later. Like Leonardo’s cultural impact???? Fucking immeasurable, I wish every white man disaster I ever met had a hidden heart of gold in all of his boyish dumbassery, an ICONIC himbo of our time. 

Also because I remembered it before posting and I am Dying^TM. The event where MC was a pureblood and he was human. That entire fucking event. I literally can’t think about it without screaming and crying. Her just so flustered at his reaction to her like “oh look, free real estate” as he plops her in his lap, absolutely no fear, treating her like a princess because of her noble title despite NO NECESSITY BEYOND PLAYFULNESS BUT ALSO STILL MEANING IT IN AN EARNEST WAY, being charming to no END just to see her laugh or look away shyly. 

WHEN HE SAID. WHEN HE SAID “...Can’t leave you alone, or you might go off someplace I can’t follow.” I. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU STRIPPED DEVOTION DOWN TO ITS BARE ESSENTIALS!!!!!! GAH HOW MC HERSELF SAYS “I would tell him the truth but...he’s much too generous for a human. I know he would offer his life without a moment’s hesitation.” How Leo describes the aftermath of her biting him: “Lucky for you, I’m a true gentleman, Unlike my principessa, who took me like a storm” HELLO??????? H E L  L O ???????????????????????? ARE WE JUST GOING TO SLEEP ON THE FACT THAT HE LOST HIS ENTIRE SOUL WHEN SHE BIT HIM???? I--

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

(Also as much as I love him the cigarillos have got to go at some point, boy do you have any idea the shit secondhand smoke does good lordt)

[femenaces]

In both a scientific and personal mindset, I have a lot of questions, so I might return here and there because I’d like to understand how your brain process works. I hope you don’t mind if I ask you a few genuine, not intended to be pointed, questions:

• Are you aware of the current anti-trans bills in the US, and other countries, that would put trans people at risk? Do you or do you not support them?

• Do you approve of and support formal conversion therapy for trans individuals, and, on that note, do you support parents (particularly of AFAB trans people) who’s reactions to coming out may be physically violent and/or cause emotional damage (such as turning emotionally abusive, believing them to be traitors, forcing them to become overly feminine, cutting out any support systems that accept the social change, and so on)

• Other than your own personal experiences, and other radfem blogs, do you have any scientific or historical articles/journals to back your claims, both against trans people, and against the idea of things such as, say, women wearing heels which you seem avidly against (or, more specifically for the heels, women feeling empowered by wearing heels).

• Lastly; do you have any anthropological knowledge/ideas on gender. By this I’m not necessarily talking about trans individuals, or third genders seen in different cultures, but also women, what is means to be a women, and so on within other cultures.

Thank you.

I am typing this on my phone in bed so I’m sorry if the formatting is fucked up

1) I am not aware of every single bill, no, but I have a general idea. I don’t support anything that would endanger transgender individuals. However I don’t think the following things (main topics of “anti-trans” bills) constitute endangering trans individuals:

-separating sports by biological sex. I feel for transgender people who want to compete athletically, because there is no easy solution to this. On one hand, male and female skeletons and muscle building capabilities are markedly different. I have had courses on biological and forensic anthropology and this is fact. This effects individuals’ sports performance. You can see this if you google sports records for men vs. women and observe the difference. As such, it would not be fair to put a transgender woman into a women’s competition. However, conversely, HRT does affect things like muscle building, so it wouldn’t be fair to have a trans woman on HRT compete with males that are not on HRT, or have a trans man compete with females not on HRT, etc. I’m not sure there’s an easy solution to this issue and the only option I can see is creating separate categories for trans athletes, even though that is obviously not ideal. Anyway, bills barring biological male trans women from competing in women’s sports and vice versa do not endanger the individuals in any tangible way.

-preventing children under 18 from starting hormone therapy or undergoing surgery. The aim of this is actually to protect the health of these individuals due to the fact that puberty blockers and HRT have adverse medical effects that are not yet fully understood. After a person turns 18, though, they should be free make any decision they feel is right for them.

Those are the main issues I’m aware of right now after scanning this page: https://freedomforallamericans.org/legislative-tracker/anti-transgender-legislation/ . If you have a specific bill you’d like me to look at, send me a link.

2) This is where the difference in our definitions of conversion therapy gets tricky. I would support therapy for dysphoric individuals that aims to work on non-medical ways to deal with dysphoria, & I think this option should always be explored first due to the health effects of HRT and risks of surgery. Do you consider this conversion therapy?

If we’re talking therapy that aims to make GNC people conform to traditional notions of gender based on their biological sex (eg. you’re a girl, you have to learn to wear dresses. You’re a boy, you can’t play with dolls) or tries to force someone to use pronouns they aren’t comfortable with, then I think that is conversion therapy and I absolutely do not support it. Along the same line, I obviously don’t support parents who mistreat their children for being GNC or identifying as trans because that’s abuse.

3) I don’t know what you mean when you say claims against trans people. Dysphoria clearly exists and for some people medical transition is the best option. For my claim that male and female are real things, I honestly don’t think I need a study or research paper to support that claim. Intersex individuals exist but do not prove that sex isn’t real. With just the skull and pelvis, you can identify the sex of an individual with somewhere around 95-99% accuracy from what I remember off the class notes I took a few weeks ago in my forensic anthropology class. I’m typing this from my phone in bed rn bc it’s 3am but I’m sure you can google this if you doubt me, here’s one paper to start you off: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0379073816300202

As for the claim against wearing heels, again it seems fairly self explanatory that walking around in strangely shaped objects will not do good things to your feet and muscles and skeleton, but if you really want a study then here’s a couple I found with a quick google search: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0169814101000385

https://scholar.google.com/scholar?hl=en&as_sdt=0%2C34&q=effects+of+wearing+high+heels&oq=effects+of+wearing#d=gs_qabs&u=%23p%3DermElc9Li4gJ

Why do I not think it’s empowering for women to wear shoes that give them health issues and are hard to move in? I don’t know how to explain that to you. A concrete example of how it actively DISEMPOWERS women is my experience having to walk home from work at the end of the day in an area where men follow and harass me. I quickly realized that wearing heels would not allow me to run if I needed to.

4) this is an especially funny question because I am one class away from graduating with a degree in anthropology. I have studied so many cultures from around the world and that is actually part of what made me a radical feminist. Cross culturally, it is astonishing to see how almost every culture displays prominent oppression of women, and, you guessed it, this oppression is sex based and starts the moment a female infant is born and recognized as female.

[gascon-en-exil]

It's still somewhat astounding to me that a single offhand comment about trans headcanons for a Three Houses character got me a torrent of verbose anon hate, all presumably from one very loudly opinionated person. I'm not going to bother responding to those directly or any of the many that will assuredly follow - although I am old enough to be amused by the thought that the same whining the troll makes about trans headcanons contributing nothing to fandom could have been ripped right out of 2000s-era discourse, except back then it was about gay headcanons/fic - but a combination of candor and spite has nonetheless prompted me to put my current project on hold for a moment and talk a little about why I would have trans headcanons at all, and more specifically the kind that I do.

I have in the past suggested that, while I generally identify as cis, my gender has become more fluid in certain circumstances over the past half decade or so. Sexual circumstances, to be precise, to the point that I do now describe myself as "genderfluid in bed" for men who display an interest in such things. The common term for that is feminization kink, and for the men who are into that it usually manifests in little more than a desire to see me in lingerie and/or the use of associated wordplay during sex (ex. calling my hole a pussy/cunt, expressing a desire to impregnate me). I can understand why that might be appealing for some men; gay men collectively have a bunch of hangups with regard to straight men, and while that more often manifests through lewd fantasies of celebrities or watching porn where allegedly straight guys jack off for the camera I can also see in encounters with those men a desire to in essence RP as straight men fucking women. I get that from some bi men too, men who have explicitly enjoyed my natural androgyny and in some cases have even used their sexual experiences with cis women to add some extra flavor to our time together. Obviously this isn't a thing for all or even most gay/bi men - and guys who are looking for more masc partners are unlikely to start talking to me in the first place - but anecdotally speaking there are men of varying self-identified orientations who are into feminized AMAB sexual partners.

Now of course this comes to what is probably a more salient question: am I into that, or is it just one of several types of kink I'm willing to engage in because it broadens my appeal? There's no shortage of that in my sexual CV; I've let men suck on my toes, piss on me, tie me up, flog me, on occasion done all of the above to them, and more - but I'm sufficiently aware of my own interests to know that none of those things really turn me on. Feminization however I do like, so much so that I've noticed that I'm more genuinely attracted to men who treat me in what I perceive to be a feminine way, who take the lead in social situations and in intimacy and who enjoy the contrast in our bodies (these men almost always being bigger, hairier, and hopefully more well-endowed). The concept of treating me as feminine alone carries a ton of culturally specific baggage. The French are traditionally perceived as a more feminine/effete culture in the English-speaking world. Créole women like my female relatives and ancestors are notorious for the way they control their husbands, lovers, children, and (back when we had them) domestics while still constrained by the bounds of patriarchal society. It is through them that I learned most of how I conduct myself around men both in and out of bed, that the easiest way to control a man is to appear to be controlled by him while simultaneously enslaving him to his passions - passions that I intimately understand because I too have a dick. Most of my sexual partners come from backgrounds very different from that, so they have trouble understanding how I approach sex even if I'm trying to form an actual relationship with them. Still, some of them try, and I enjoy it when they do.

I've had trouble opening up about this before on my blog, not because of any trolls (although pissing off trolls is always fun) but because I've never been quite certain of how welcome talking about this would be. Most of the content and resources by, for, and about trans women online I've come across has concerned lesbian trans women, or otherwise centered around trans women's relationships (sexual or otherwise) with other women. As someone who still conceptualizes my gender identity first and foremost in relation to my sexual availability to men, those resources are unsurprisingly not going to speak to me very well. General trans content on Tumblr and other fandom spaces is similarly of little personal appeal, with the users skewing heavily AFAB and therefore more likely to feature trans men. I fully understand why that is, and on occasion I've been known to enjoy M/M porn where one character has a vagina with no explanation. God knows I've fantasized before about having an orifice that lubricates itself, doesn't need to be flushed out before sex, and is naturally built to take a cock. The philosophy behind most trans headcanons does elude me a bit though, as it seems to me like it'd be easier to keep a character's canon AGAB and change their gender identity rather than the reverse. Apparently that approach is much less common, but I can safely say that all of the handful of trans headcanons I've had involve canonically cis male characters imagined as trans female and sexually involved with cis male characters - big surprise there, right?

I get the impression that my perspective could easily be considered antiquated in several ways: that I emphasize sexual activity over the more nebulous sexual attraction when it comes to discussing orientation; that I prioritize my sexual activity over my gender identity; that I believe there exists a liminal space between fem cis gay men and straight trans women, and that there is historical precedence for such a space in pre-modern/early modern queer communities; and that to the extent that I've internalized a feminine gender identity I do so in the context of my relationships with men. Again, a lot of that comes down to culture, to the myriad ways in which queerness in New Orleans has retained its own history and character independent of other queer cultures in the English-speaking world. Maybe some of it sounds outdated, or misogynistic (I've seen that criticism lobbied at drag queens, and it would probably apply here too), or most bizarrely of all transphobic...but it's all nonetheless a part of who I am, and at the end of the day the only people whose opinions on this subject really matter to me are the men who want to take me to bed. To quote a particularly fitting verse from "Sugar Daddy" of Hedwig and the Angry Itch:

So you think only a woman Can truly love a man? Well, you buy me the dress, I'll be more woman Than a man like you can stand

Indeed.

[lulusoblue]

this isn’t me vagueing or anything, or I’m not intending to because people have previously expressed the same of what I’m about to rant on, and I don’t want to @ or refer to any blog specifically for reigniting my bafflement of this take because this isn’t a personal grudge match against anyone, just a general *what* of this concept, but

jesus h christ on a stick, why do people want BioShock Infinite’s Elizabeth to have been a racist?

I get an AU fic of another timeline where Comstock’s motives weren’t messy as fuck and he didn’t just plan to force his messiah with a spinal shock collar from the word go, like “what if” stuff, but like saying she should have been racist in the original game and actually wanting this change because it would “improve” her character?

like, disclaimer because I am a white woman who may not have a say in things like this anyway, but honestly the racism angle was a huge mistake in Infinite in the first place, and should never have been done in this game because the lead writer is a white man and I can bet my bottom dollar he most likely did not consult anyone on race or racism beyond what historically accurate heinous racist acts to not depict in the game so players could “sympathise” with the flying racists getting their dues post-Finkton.

You know how important the racism of Columbia is to him? How relevant is it to the ending of the game? Answer: it isn’t. BioShock 1’s ending has the failings of Rapture relevant to the ending regarding the player’s choices. The ending of Infinite, however, focuses on Elizabeth, Booker and the multiverse, where nobody mentions the Vox or how Columbia was a failure or anything. Nothing with the Vox Populi or Columbia’s hubris is linked to the game’s ending. Both are left feeling superfluous. It was just something to stick into the background rather than be a story element that properly tied in with the story’s real focus. If you wanted Levine to write a better racism story I would have to ask you why??? Do you trust him to?????

What reason was there that we switched from extreme nationalism and its consequences in the demos as late as 2012 to “racism bad but the victims of it are also bad if they fight back” in 2013? Who fucking knows. Probably shock value, because I don’t see how time and resources would cause such a change from what Irrational put out there in interviews leading up to release. Given how Levine tried to retcon Daisy’s story in Burial at Sea (and keep in mind Black Lives Matter didn’t start as a movement until a few months after Infinite’s release and before BaS Episode 2 was released) he certainly didn’t commit to “Daisy and Comstock are the same”. If he had conviction for his “both sides” story, he wouldn’t have tried to rewrite it to Daisy choosing to play monster as a necessary sacrifice for her cause (which itself is its own can of worms with how it now plays out).

Considering as well how we had that article revealing how long it took to get a playable build out of Irrational thanks to Levine’s lack of solid direction, as well as the recent revelation that he had never read Ayn Rand when making a game about a city BUILT ON HER IDEOLOGY, I’m pretty sure the poor writing around Columbia’s racism and the Vox Populi in the final game was just made up as he went along to push out a finished product, because it had been five years at that point and 2k was piiiiiiissed.

Then we have how Elizabeth is your companion character, your escort mission. Friends, do you know how escort mission characters were viewed back pre-2013? Bad. The AI could just look at a player funny and they’d draw a 5 page comic on how awful a character they were and post it to deviantart. One of the worst levels in BioShock was when we had to escort a very killable Little Sister with a fishbowl filter on our FOV, and one of the major complaints people had with BioShock 2 was how they had an OPTIONAL escort mission to get more mutation juice. We didn’t start getting games with escort characters like Elizabeth or Clementine or Ellie, characters people actually cared about and WANTED to protect, until around 2012-2013.

You think the people creating Elizabeth, the escort mission character built to be a likeable, enjoyable to be with and empathise with her character, who can never get hurt or kidnapped in combat and actively helps the player, should have had her been a racist??? In a post-Mass Effect world??????

Ashley Williams is a woman from a military family. She is a proud member of the Alliance military who has concerns on working with aliens after having had no prior experience working with aliens. However, you can ease those concerns and help her warm up to building alliances in the first Mass Effect game. Ashley grows to trust alien squadmates, and even without your character’s influence will regard two anti-alien groups with disgust for their outright racism and human centrism.

And here’s the kicker, even with that nuance to her character, in a game of plenty of other more overtly racist and prejudiced characters? ASHLEY IS STILL THE BUTT OF THE SPACE RACISM JOKES. She had flaws, she developed, she proves her loyalties to the point of refusing to work with you when you’re forced to join one of the human centric groups, AND SHE’S STILL MOCKED FOR SPACE RACISM. EVEN IN PROMOTIONAL MATERIAL SHE’S RETROACTIVELY REGARDED AS BEING DIFFICULT TO WORK WITH. THAT IS HOW MUCH THE FANDOM AROUND MASS EFFECT HAS AFFECTED HOW ASHLEY IS SEEN.

And you want Infinite to have Elizabeth be very obviously racist with real life racism? (which is the vibe i’ve been getting) Like, you think all the people behind Elizabeth’s design, her game functionality, her interactions and personality, would give players ammunition to hate a character you’re supposed to enjoy having around on purpose? You think they’re going to give the actual racists and bigots and nazis of the internet a mascot????? Because we already had the facebook header image debacle for a Columbian propaganda poster, you KNOW they would.

And personally I don’t think it would make great character development, because the game is not in the format for that kind of exploration of character’s story. BioShock Infinite is not an RPG with you making dialogue choices with squadmates where you feel like you really influenced them to see the error of their ways. Infinite is a linear shooter. There is no real sense of the passage of time in a linear shooter, the player will experience it like it really doesn’t happen in the span of 20 hours.

Unlearning racism and religious brainwashing is not a quick fixit, and a quick fixit is how it would feel in the 20-40 hours you take to play through the entire game. If Infinite had had Elizabeth going from “I’m racist” to “*sees a black person suffering* maybe racism is wrong???” to “i am no longer racist, I see the error of my ways, you can like me now” in the span of what feels like less than a day to players in a linear game, people would be super critical of the pretty white girl getting cured of her bigotry way too quickly and how the game makes it like we’re supposed to applaud her for being so brave and mature and open-minded, and how much Levine really doesn’t understand nuance or anything about how internalised racism works.

BioShock Infinite’s final release proved that the Vox Populi should not have been handled the way they were. Yes, more media should be discussing and making audiences aware of what is racist, and how irrational it really is when you get down to it, but BioShock Infinite should not have been that media. It was originally written for two opposing sides in a city built on extreme nationalism, much like how BioShock was for objectivism, and then changed relatively last minute. It was written by a white man who’d already written the franchise’s only gay named character as a horrific monster of a man (Cohen) and has expressed how autism is what made a person evil (Tenenbaum). It was written with Elizabeth in mind, a main character who was literally designed to be an escort mission players would actually enjoy, most likely from Day 1 given how much behind the scenes stuff we know of her.

I wouldn’t trust someone like Levine to write a story of a character unlearning racism over the course of a game’s story, i don’t think he should ever have touched a story where racism is a such a prominent element with a 100 foot pole.