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philcmena · 4 years

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「natalia dyer & demi girl」⇾ carmichael, philomena, the junior radcliffe student’s records show that she/they are a taurus and 20 years old. she/they are studying wildlife science, living in noland and can be whimsical, patient, apathetic & unpredictable. when i see her/them i am reminded of the gentleness of decomposition, dancing naked around the flames, and whipping wind in your hair. ⇽「james & 21 & est & they/them.」

here’s my second !! baby child i love a lot ... much kinder ... a bit odd .. love of my life ... a classic ... a favorite ..

TW CANCER, TRAUMA, DEPERSONALIZATION / DEREALIZATION DISORDER ( ALT. DISSOCIATION ), DEATH, DECAY, MAGGOTS.

aesthetic.

wildflowers in your hair and bare feet against moss, binoculars and maps, madonna beating out of half-dead speakers in a half-dead van, whipping wind, jumping off cliffs and rolling down hills, a bandaid wrapped around each finger, cryptic bumper stickers and cryptids in the woods, facing the sun and letting the rays hit you, counting stars late into the night, dancing naked in the woods with nothing but fire to light your way, mismatched socks and lucky ribbons, hoarding a box of special treasures, shoplifting and diner-dashing, bleach against roots, pink sweaters paired with ripped fishnets and slip dresses with knock off uggs, willingly wearing crocs, glitter stickers, fungi and feeling one with them, lying down and decomposing, they’ll find us in a week. they’ll find us in a week.

basic info.

full name: philomena brontë carmichael

nickname(s): philly, phil, mena, etc.

b.o.d. - april 20th lmao !!

label(s): the amaranth, the halycon, the neophyte, the wanderer, etc. etc.

height: 5′4″

hometown: woodside, ca

sexuality: demisexual !!!!

pinterest ( & her family pinterest b/c they’re my most developed family uwu)

stats

inspired by: luna lovegood (harry potter), orla mccool (derry girls), cassie ainsworth (skins), alice (alice’s adventures in wonderland), amelie (amelie).

biography.

a middle child belonging to christopher and imogen carmichael - two stanford professors. christopher specialized in british literature whilst imogen specialized in the classics. hence the name.

the order of siblings goes as such: lysander, elektra, juno, philomena, and twins orion & valora. the deal was that everybody had a greek (or in juno’s case, roman) first name and a middle name inspired by a piece of british literature circa 1800s and under. a family of nerds, if you will.

so, clearly - right off the bat, their parents are … eccentric. they’re both in love with their respected topic, and with each other, and with their kids. the carmichael family is a happy family.

they each have their own quirks and whatnot - though philly’s always been particularly dreamy - even as a child, she’d spend hours watching clouds or caterpillars or the leaves blow in the wind rather than play with other kids. she wasn’t a shy kid - she just had her own interests.

hardship doesn’t hit the family until philomena is five and starts having splitting headaches. they’re slow at first - but as soon as she’s seeing spots and unable to walk in a straight line, doctor appointments are made.

it doesn’t take long for them to discover the tumor, though the official diagnosis of malignant ependymoma comes a month later.

it’s grade ii but slow-moving, small enough to not be as much of a threat as worried, but big enough where removal is necessary. philomena earns a scar and brings it in for show-and-tell. for two months afterwards, philly’s at radiotherapy monday through friday.

they’re lucky - philomena’s considered cancer-free by the next year. she’s babied at first - handled delicately, as if she could break if touched - but with five other children … it doesn’t last for too long.

and life continues as normal.

her personality doesn’t shift much over the next few years - she’s awfully independent for a kid, and awfully quiet - when she speaks it’s about faeries and bigfoot, about how the sky is so blue and if you listen quietly, you can hear the leaves whisper their secrets to each other. this is not odd.

she’s close to all her siblings, but she idolizes her older sister - elektra. elektra’s six years older and dyes her hair whatever colors she wants. elektra bought a knife off a seedy guy downtown. elektra threw away all of her heels and renounced god. elektra is god. her music is loud but it’s not heavy - it’s florence and the machine.

they’re opposites - elektra’s boisterous and feels loudly, philomena’s softer and feels…less. when elektra sneaks out, philomena keeps watch. they are a duo.

philomena is smart - but she’s fifteen and hates school. hates sitting inside all day. hates the same routine - day after day - it’s all the same. her parents’ routine is the same, philly feels contained and she wants to live.

elektra’s twenty-one and just bought a brand new spanking (used but not falling apart) 19-something volkswagen … van - using her entire savings account. she says she’s tired of routine, she’s leaving the next day.

naturally, philomena stows away in the back and isn’t discovered until they’re two states away and she’s got to pee. elektra nearly crashes the van in shock.

it’s an argument - philomena vs. elektra, then them vs. their parents, then their parents vs. the school, the state - it’s an ordeal. philomena switches to an online program in the end.

it hurts christopher and imogen - lysander’s not having any of their nonsense, juno’s betrayed and alone - the twins are twins. in the end, it’s alright. the carmichael family is a happy family.

philomena and elektra take their time - it’s not a road trip, it’s their new life, permanently on the road. they stop and explore often - they do odd jobs in whatever town they settle in. they dine-n-dash, they shoplift. they survive in their own way.

during particularly desperate times, they two resorted to identity theft & credit fraud - getting away with it only by ditching the cards once they’ve made it out of state.

she drops out of high school officially when she’s seventeen - they have to drive all the way back to california to deal with the wrath of their parents and to deal with paperwork, but it’s done. philomena doesn’t know what path she wants in life - but it’s not that.

it’s during this time that the episodes occur - philomena’s outside her body, philomena’s wrapped in cotton, her memories are not her own. she’s looking in the mirror and she doesn’t recognize herself. they take shelter in a city for six months, long enough for her brand spankin’ new therapist to figure out what’s wrong with her. she’s diagnosed with depersonalization / derealization disorder - they think it’s stress. philomena doesn’t get stressed. they think it’s trauma. she laughs - she never laughs.

there is trauma though, deep-rooted but somewhere inside - you just have to look for it.

you. just. have. to. look. for. it. look for it. look for it. look for it look for it look -

you were ten and she was thirteen, an off-trail hike in familiar woods in a familiar town, safe and familiar. it was your idea, to stray from the carved out paths, down creeks and up hills and round, and round again. you’re the one who spotted the scarf first, sticking up from the dirt and dancing in the wind like the beginning of reincarnation. it was not reincarnation, it was discovery. it was ruin. with curiosity drawn, you skidded down - with compliance, followed juno, followed your sister - clumsy in her steps and tumbling down quicker than you. you saw the corpse, but juno felt it. decaying flesh and maggot.

and she left juno, just like that - just five years later, when juno had finally gone to the end of her wits. philly up and left. abandoned her.

philomena and elektra leave the city after that therapy session. they do not return. she’s always been good at hiding her secrets.

three years later and her parents want philly to have a higher education - desperate for it, really - worried for her future. it’s a battle that she loses, getting her GED and applying to a local college in florida in shameful compliance.

they’re there for a year until philly gets (expectantly) expelled from the community college & the two of them are banned from the town they’d residing in up until that point. they don’t talk about it - but boy, was it one hell of a time.

they found refuge in lovell, a town that seemed to suit them well - it suited elektra’s desire to travel up and down the east coast, and it intrigued philomena enough to the point of her being content with staying. soon after, philly officially transferred to radcliffe for the fall semester & they’ve been here since!

UPDATE: another summer update! very simple ... she n elektra traveled the states again, as they always do ... like clockwork. had to be dragged back to radcliffe (doesn’t like staying in one place for too long) bt also <3 likes a lot of people here n brought them all souvenirs. it ws very nice! nothing bad.

personality.

she’s quiet but she’s confident - her voice sounds like rustling leaves, if leaves smoked a pack of cigarettes a day.

often underestimated - philly’s petite and looks like she’d fall over if a plastic bag blew too close to her. she’s independent - for the most part. elektra is the only person philly takes orders from.

has always been considered odd - weird, strange. still talks about the trees as if they’re listening, as if they’re old friends. she’s vague and doesn’t elaborate on the things she says.

believes in pretty much any superstition you throw her way. luck is very important to her. if you ask her if the earth is flat, she’ll say probably. believes strongly in bigfoot and the lochness monster. has personally seen aliens, and loves ghosts almost more than herself.

she can be amusing - whether you ‘get’ her or not, her outlook is often bright - she talks about the negatives the same way she talks about the positives. can be seen as naive or gullible, but she’s plenty smart. even if half of her education has come directly from google.

philly doesn’t laugh. a smile, yes - often, in fact - not always reaching her ears, or bearing teeth - but these are not indicators of her happiness. philly is consistently content. she thinks many things are funny - she still will not laugh.

her voice is often monotonous - she doesn’t sound dreary, she sounds far-away. her voice carries. her emotions are often unknown to others.

is apathetic in most situations. she’s hard to bother - she’s incredibly patient and enjoys the company of most - tolerates them at the very least. it’s hard for her to express her emotions, because she feels them so little that it’s very nearly not worth it. her affection is not verbal - it’s small touches and gestures of kindness, love in her own way.

is a fan of knock-knock jokes and bad puns. she won’t crack a smile while telling you them, nor does she expect you to laugh. she just enjoys them.

she owns a motorola razr covered in puffy stickers - hasn’t ever had a smartphone. she’s a fan of emoticons. her favorite is :o)

has a lot of bruises and scratches and scars - she’s often getting herself into pickles. there are always, at the very minimum, three bandaids on each hand.

she has insomnia, so she’s awake often. is often seen wandering town - even when she shouldn’t be, even when it might be dangerous. her intuition is delayed. when she does sleep - her dreams are vivid and fantastical.

keeps a box of memories - sentimental bits and pieces she’s picked up over the last few years. there are a lot of buttons and postcards, but any teeny tiny object will do.

her style changes every week - most, if not all, of her clothes are thrifted. one week she’s baby spice and the next she’s lydia deetz. she combines pieces from different styles often - she looks like a barbie clothed by a child. she feels most comfortable like this.

will either patch-up the clothes that get too worn or reuse them in some way. sometimes donates the clothes she gets tired off - isn’t minimalistic, but she’s learned to keep only a small amount of possessions.

the only consistency is her lucky ribbon - it’s pastel yellow and silky and as thin as a shoelace. she ties it onto her outfit of the day, everyday. if she loses it, she’s lost. elektra has a matching ribbon.

has no problem with minor theft - she only takes bare minimum, puts herself and elektra first and that’s how it’s always been. she tries to be good while in lovell / radcliffe - would hate to be forced out by mobs with torches and pitchforks

currently living in noland while elektra stays in their van, florence - sometimes philly stays there during the weekends.

they used to live in motels on the occasion, the cheapest room, and more often than not they’d both go home with strangers for a comfier bed and a hotter shower.

it was a common occurrence - she didn’t sleep with them - but somehow, she weaseled her way into their homes anyway. has come out mostly unscathed, on most occasions. this has been a practice ever since they’ve been on the road.

really, truly - has not slept with anybody, had her first and only kiss at thirteen with a frog. this doesn’t bother her.

will consume a n y t h i n g you put in front of her - isn’t picky.

listens to whatever they’ve picked up along the way but she likes instrumentals the best. her second favorite genre is 1990′s and 2000′s top hits. they’re nostalgic for her. third favorites? florence, of course. fleetwood mac. the bird and the bee.

loves storms - will go out in the rain and will risk her life for it.

owns a pair of roller-skates and is often skating rather than walking. unless she’s on grass - then she’s walking barefoot.

has many hobbies, and gets bored of them often. her favorite hobby is welding. she’s not certified.

also, juggling.

also, accordion.

the kind of girl who’ll do any job you give her. odd jobs are her favorite jobs. babysitting is her least favorite - but she does it anyway. has lost children before. have they ever been found? not by philly.

dyes her hair blonde often and cuts her own hair - bangs included - finds it cathartic, likes the itchiness of bleach.

everything she does is often in pursuit of feeling free, alive, and meaningful.

( like her frequent visits to the woods, late at night when the moon is high and full. it’s freeing to dance around a fire, stark naked in the cold. builds immunity )

comes and goes wherever she pleases, nothing & nobody can stop her (besides elektra). has befriended the campus witch, or as much as the witch will allow, and shrike as well. she knows to respect nature, and abandoned sites - she’s practically free to explore as she wishes, her only pride is the trust she’s gained.

the trust expands to animals as well, she has a certain knack for getting them to like her. has too many ‘pet’ rats that reside with her, alongside a baby raccoon & a few crow pals. has a new animal companion everyday, but she doesn’t contain them or force them to stay.

leaves her window in noland wide open because of this, because her window is conveniently right besides a tree with sturdy branches. good for animal smuggling, sneaking in and out, hiding, etc. etc. world is her oyster.

though her room in noland is ??? frankly a mess ??? already ??? usually keeps most of her possessions in her memory box but she’s also turned her room into a mini labyrinth of knick-knacks. very cozy, but very nest-like. think of howl’s room from howl’s moving castle.

wanted connections.

random encounters… it’s only her second semester at radcliffe, she hasn’t met everybody yet i’m sure

random encounters…in the wild… alternately, people she’s met before in a different part of the country. whether she’s stolen from them or crashed at their place, or simply shared a dinner. anything goes!

unexpected sleepover… someone whose place she crashed at after a mysterious night. a party, adventure, etc. etc. maybe they don’t even remember her staying over, maybe she hadn’t been with them to begin with.

employers… she does a lot of odd jobs! knows how to make a lot of things in many different mediums just to earn a small living.

friends… y’know … people who enjoy her presence, likes her oddness. they may not understand her, but they appreciate her. or maybe they do understand her, in their own way!

not friends… philly doesn’t consider anybody an enemy in the slightest, but some people may not be fond of her … think she’s a little too strange, or they refuse to understand her, or something of the likes.

closing in… someone trying to get closer to her, trying to figure her out on a level deeper than what she would like, and she keeps slipping out from between their fingers every time.

mom friend mom friend mom friend… older sibling figures! dad friends! take one look at philly and instantly want to swaddle n protect her.

caught red handed… someone catches her stealing or about to dine-n-dash. do they care? who knows!

late-night shenanigans… they just walk and talk at night … very relaxing … not actually very shenanigans filled…

a dealer… because she wasn’t born on 4/20 for nothing. she’s not turning 20 on 4/20/20 fr nothing. don’t fail us.

debating conspiracies… or superstitions, really anything. maybe they’re frustrated at her apathy surrounding all situations.

no likey… :( they distrust her. probably fr good reason tho … i don’t blame you

thrifting pals… no explanation needed methinks

an eventual hook-up… maybe … possibly … it’s questionable, but it could happen! can’t stay a virgin forever! (or well. she cld. we’ll see!) she’d probably have to trust yr muse a lot though

unrequited romance uwu… probably unrequited on her end because she doesn’t usually think of anybody in a romantic sense - it’s possible, but you’d have to be something special for her to like you back. that being said …

something returned… eventually, slowly. slow. it’ll take time.

maybe something returned !! eventually. slowly. slow.

n like rly anything u want !! anything u can think of i am here 2 fulfill … we can brainstorm all sorts of wacky scenarios!! she’s a thief! she’s an accordion player! she dances naked in the woods! she’s been in the circus AND a small utah county jail!

#ruhqintro #cancer tw #trauma tw #depersonalization tw #derealization tw #dissociation tw #death tw #maggots tw #decay tw

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fallingfromdepression · 4 years

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10/28/2020

writing this in the middle of a class session per usual, but we’re going over a midterm exam from monday that we had 24 hours to work on and turn in. and well guess who’s the person who didn’t even LOOK at the midterm until around 9-10pm my time (it was due at 11am my time) so I pulled an all-nighter to do it ... anyway listening to the professor and some students discuss the midterm answers during this class session and i’m like LMAO ... i am so fucked because while my thoughts may be in the right direction, my answers were definitely not as developed bc 1. i literally worked on it in the wee hours of the night when my brain is basically shut down and 2. I have only been watching lectures and not doing ANY of the readings. and the latter point is important bc legit the last midterm question most ppl apparently referenced the latest class reading we were supposed to have done and i just said some underdeveloped bullshit not referencing anything.

i mean i’m fucked for all of my classes basically bc i’ve been putting off doing all work. i’m behind on like 2-3 lectures in one class, i have a midterm essay due friday that i haven’t even STARTED thinking abt or working on at all (only 2 pages tho so i’m not AS fucked as i could be), and i have a graded discussion for this class above that closes tmr that i still haven’t added to bc 1. i still haven’t finished the reading and 2. ppl be writing goddamn ESSAYS and also seem to know shit and i’m just like idk anything at all. and like i see all this and i’m like ok i need to take time to work on it but yet i just be on twitter and youtube and IG basically 24/7 not doing work even when deadlines creep and eventually barrel closer.

i mean part of it is anxiety, i’m too nervous to do it bc i know i won’t get it done perfectly (bc i haven’t been doing any readings and shit) so i just put it off and then end up having to submit crap anyway. but part of it is just me being a fucker bc i’ve managed to scrape by the last 2-3 yrs with this bare minimum mentality so theoretically i can do it again for this next year but the issue is now it’s starting to show in my grades bc before i could manage A-B grades but now it’s going into lower B-C range aka actually reflecting my lack of motivation and low quality of work. and also i’m getting no sleep so maybe that’s impacting the number of brain cells i can rub together for warmth. i just don’t feel motivated to do work even when the deadline is breathing down my neck, and i get easily distracted/lose focus when i’m actually attempting to do the work. idk if it’s unaddressed adhd cropping up more (context i’ve never officially been diagnosed with it but i’ve been reading cases of ppl struggling with adhd suddenly in higher edu situations lately and it just sounds a lot like what’s going on with me) or if it’s me with shit health habits. i’m not even motivated to do things i feel like i’d enjoy doing, like art projects or whatever idek. i’m just going by each day scrolling through twitter and IG uselessly, watching youtube videos when i should be doing schoolwork or actual work at my part-time job, and feeling miffed abt the state of affairs and the world yet doing nothing abt it (like volunteering or reading up on theory or etc).

starting to think maybe i seriously do need to see a therapist. i feel scared of saying all this bc i literally put myself in this situation and i don’t really want to hear a therapist telling me what i already know aka i need to do the work to get out of this hole, it’s not all gonna get solved by continuing to bury my head in the sand. but since i don’t have any close friends or friends in general to talk about this with, and i don’t really want to unload on my sibling or academic advisor... i really need to get an outlet to just spill all this out and maybe get a new, fresh view on it. the thing abt therapy is tht it feels exhausting to have to do multiple intakes to try to find the right therapist though ... i just want the first one to be good for me and then go from there. i did one intake sometime last year and that therapist was aight so honestly maybe i should just go with her for now so at least i got SOMEONE... god getting it all down makes me realize how fucked and unhinged i am fr. i didn’t mean for these diary entries to be like this but my academics are so tied up with my mental health so it makes sense.

#diary

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toastiko · 4 years

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An Update & A Story

Hi guys. I’m finally taking action against my weed dependency. Each day, I’m taking one less hit than the day before. I actually haven’t tried quitting since I went cold turkey, the week before last Christmas. I was only able to stay sober until Christmas day for those wondering. Aside from the one visit to my father in February earlier this year, I’ve smoked every day since Christmas, 2019.

Now I lay here in bed, mostly sober and slightly depressed, wondering, how? How did weed become the top priority in my life?

These thoughts manifested during my sober week before Christmas, but now that I’m laying here, out of weed and sober enough, I can actually put my thoughts into words. Anyway, the main reason I started to abuse marijuana was because of my move from Michigan to Oklahoma (July 1st 2017). But there were a lot of small events that also contributed to the abuse too. The beginning of the abuse started around three years ago, but before we talk about that, you need to know how I was brought up.

This next part is for my friends who I didn’t grow up with. Read it if you want, you won’t make me cry if you don’t.

Parts of the story below may sound like me just bragging. If you take it that way, that’s on you. I’m just trying to be as detailed as possible so people can get a proper understanding of how I was raised.

In 2001, I was adopted at birth in Jackson, Mississippi. (I’ve always grown up knowing that I was adopted and some people think it’s a really touchy subject for me even though I couldn’t care less. In fact, I used to joke about it before my sense of humor vanished ) I was born with my feet completely backwards, or in other words, I had severe clubbed feet. At the age of 2, I had surgery and spent a year in walking casts. During that time, my parents and I in lived in a mansion until 2005, when hurricane Katrina came and shreked everything. So we moved to Oklahoma and lived in a low class barn for around 8 months. In 2007, my dad got a job offer in Lansing, Michigan, and that’s really when my life ‘started’.

The first memory I have of Michigan is driving down our beautiful dead end street with my eyes glued to the falling snow which I had never seen before. We lived in a three story house with a front yard the size of a soccer field and a backyard half the size of a soccer field, with a lake right behind it. Yeah, I had it good, but I didn’t even realize at the time because it was normal to for us to live in big houses. Now the two houses next to us had neighbors with kids my age. JC was one of these kids. The kid was huge - not fat, but well built. He was a French Canadian American who had lived there since birth. If I met him today for the first time, I don’t think we’d be friends, but JC, though he was the same age as me, felt like an older brother. He was disciplined (mostly), goofy, and a little arrogant at times, but we always had a good time when we got together. So most days after school, instead of hanging out with my best friend who lived far, far, down the road, I hung out with JC, and that’s what my life was like after school almost every day until he moved in 2014 (2015? I don’t know)

Now let me tell you about my parents. My dad is an American Armenian who was told by his parents as a child that he was going to grow up to be a heart surgeon, so that’s what he did. He’s disciplined, hardworking, wise - he’s pretty much the smartest person I know. But growing up, I despised him. He lacked empathy and could be extremely insensitive at times. But when things would go bad for me, he always knew exactly what to say and he knew how to get his point across. But I hated him while living in Michigan because I was obsessed with ONLY having fun and playing video games with my friends and he abhorred video games. He would guilt trip me when he’d walk into my room and find me playing something. One time, he even took away my xbox 360 after I failed a test, and said he’d give it back after a week. I never got it back. Despite the negatives, he taught me to not let my emotions get the best of me, he taught me how to remain calm, how to be humble, and so much more.

My mom, on the other hand is the COMPLETE opposite of my dad. She’s outgoing, sensitive, gullible, and unlike my dad, she could befriend ANYONE she meet. When she passes homeless people, she ALWAYS gives them money out of sympathy. To make it clear how nice she is, if you sat Hitler down with her for some tea, Hitler would leave with his mustache shaved, and with a big, teeth grinning smile. She can make anyone like her. My mom spoiled me beyond senseless. She’d end my punishments early, she’d buy junkfood that the neighbors would eat up the next day, and she would buy me whatever I wanted under $200 and then say “Just don’t tell your father!” Even most of my friends at one point said, “Why can’t your mom be my mom?” However, my mom liked and still likes to live in a world where her feelings come before facts. She tends to get ripped off or scammed a lot when she bought stuff online or in person. Not to mention she sometimes follows the crowd instead of thinking critically. Ignoring her flaws, my mother taught me empathy, compassion, and love.

So having parents that were polar opposites from each other really balanced me out as a kid. I was (and still am) a shy boy, but I was quick to open up to whoever I trusted. Unless I was fighting with my parents, I rarely let my emotions control me. I’d be humble and respectful in public and or at school, and then I’d be my immature, batshit crazy and edgy self with my friends.

My school life was okay. In 1st grade, I met my best friend, Christian.

2nd grade I had surgery on my feet again and missed 6th months of school. When third grade came, my dad convinced my mom to hold me back a grade since I missed so much and they switched me over to a private school. I cried and begged them to keep me in the same grade but the answer was ‘nope’. Today, I’m glad they held me back.

Life at the private school, STM, was vastly different than the public school I’d been going to. My grade had about 20 kids and I was the oldest there. All the boys were little jocks. Obsessed with sports. I played soccer and baseball a year before but sports wasn’t really my thing. The boys were nice to me though and I became friends with them, though I barely had anything in common with them. So I turned to the girls. I befriended most of the girls, and even sat at their side of the table at lunch everyday. I had a huge crush on a girl named Casey, and funnily enough, so did all the other boys. So I spent 2nd and 3rd grade trying to slide into Casey’s DM’s and by the end of the third grade, I was in. Well, I mean, we were extremely close. I went to her house, she went to mine, and I was a happy boy. So far, life was going well.

4th grade came and I was scared. Rumor had it that the 4th grade teacher was a mean bitch, and half of my other classmates had switched schools, leaving 9 kids in the class. So I convinced my parents to pull me out and move me to a bigger private school. STA.

This is where shit went down. I went to STA from grade 4 to grade 8. One day, in 5th grade, when we were all edgy, horny boys who had sex ed coming up in a week , eight of us went outside and I recorded a video of one of my friends, goofily explaining how to have sex in five steps. I uploaded the video to Youtube in 2013 titled, ‘Nick’s 5 special steps.’

Two days pass, and I’m sitting in my homeroom with the eight other boys and suddenly two of the school’s priests come in. I remember one thing Fr. A said that day. He made eye contact with every boy in the room besides me, and said,

“I hope to see you all in reconciliation because you all have a lot to atone for.”

I thought this was funny because I was Lutheran and didn’t do reconciliation.

In a smart move, my dad made me delete my first youtube channel, epickarek, in fear that the school would file a lawsuit since the video showed minor’s faces.

After that incident, life was pretty normal and uneventful up until 8th grade. In February, 2016, I was expelled. My friends at STA abhorred me. Those who were my friends a mere two days ago started sending me death threats.

I started going to therapy and went to the public middle school in my area. Switching to that school was one of the best changes in my life. I made sure to tell no one about why I switched schools and within a few days, I had friends in every class. Not close friends, but friends that you could sit down at lunch and have a chat with.

I started hearing the rumors during my second week there. One day, in math class, the girl in front of me, Savannah, turned around and asked out of nowhere, “Did you kill someone? I heard you did.” The classroom was tiny and there were about 8 people in the class so everyone heard, including the teacher, and they turned toward me, waiting for an answer. Instantly, I faintly laughed and said something along the lines of “I wouldn’t be sitting here if I did.” Everyone laughed and the class continued. The next day, it seemed like all 200 kids in my grade were focused on me. People constantly approached me, asking crazy questions and telling me the absurd rumors they heard.

“I heard you stabbed someone.”

“Did you stab yourself?”

“What’s juvie like?”

“My friend at your old school says not to trust you. What did you do?”

The rumors drew more people to me, and ironically, I befriended most of those people once they saw that I wasn’t a psychopath.

When the summer of 2016, came, I had my first serious girlfriend. Despite my parents being on the verge of a divorce, my life was at it’s peak. I had a girlfriend, a best friend, and a whole group of friends who felt like brothers.

The next thing I know, It’s Christmas break and I’m in Oklahoma visiting family and she breaks up with me... for one of my friends. That led me to become super depressed, and angry. Very angry. Most of my friends were there for me. But talking about the breakup openly is the reason why everything went downhill from there. TLDR, My Ex, and myself BOTH overreacted.

I’m not going to tell the whole story online, but If you really want to know, I’ll tell you in person.

Anyway, to shorten a long story, I got a call from my ex’s father saying if I don’t stay away from her, her family will take legal action. So, fearful of court, I respected his demand and stayed away. The next day when I got home from school, I found a FAT stack of papers on the kitchen table labeled, Personal Protection Order, aka a restraining order. I was furious and I stupidly posted to snapchat out of rage, roasting her about it. And within the next week, my family was in court with her’s. The judge, was the same judge who was working my parent’s divorce, (I don’t know why or how that’s allowed) and she did not like my dad, but she especially did not like my mom. Anyway, the PPO said on the front page that I wasn’t allowed to talk about her, ANYWHERE. Online or in person. so that’s why I was there. The judge banned me from the internet for until 2018 and I went home.

Stupidly, I violated the PPO twice after that (The judge then banned me from social media until 2019) and after the third time in court, the judge insulted my mother for how she raised me and I was found guilty, put into a squad car, and SHIPPED.

Like I said, if you want to know more details, just ask me in person. I’m getting pretty good at telling the story.

Fast forward a few weeks and it’s the last day of my freshman year of high school. I’ll never forget that day. I watched the people in my grade throw their hands up, celebrating and rushing out the doors, and I remember just standing there thinking, “I’m never going to see these guys again.”

What’s even worse was the fact that I was going to have to leave my group of around 8-12 friends. And a few prior to the move, my best friend of 8 years ended our friendship because he was upset that I didn’t tell him that I was moving sooner. If that’s how he really felt, I don’t blame him, for I was depressed and acting strange.

My best friend strayed away from our group when he stopped talking to me so I really only had a few select people in my friend group that I could really call friends. Dillion, Josh, Keaton, Brock, (even maybe Preston) although I only spent around a year with them, we had powerful connections with each other. They felt like brothers. So when my mom said she was moving to Oklahoma, I was destroyed. I wasn’t going to let my mom move alone, but I was going to have to leave my support group. It was one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever made. I remember the week before we moved, I drove all around Lansing, listening to the Guardians of the Galaxy II playlist and feeling numb.

Then we moved

Within two months of moving to Oklahoma, smoking weed had become a daily habit. I had already been introduced to it by some friends before I moved, so I was familiar with the drug. At first, It diminished my guilt. I didn’t have to think about my friends I left or my old best friend...

I didn’t have to constantly think about the nice cop leading me out of the downtown courthouse into his car in some loose handcuffs.

I didn’t have to think about being in that dark, concrete solitary cell for two days, going crazy thinking that my white, skinny ass was going to juvie for 21 days like the judge said...

I didn’t have to think about the satanic, traumatizing things I did to that person in 8th grade that I still struggle to forgive myself for....

I didn’t have to think about anything if I just smoked my problems and sadness away.

My first three days as a sophomore were miserable. I had already been to 7 different schools (ask me) and I was exhausted with the thought of having to start over with making new friends. So me, already depressed, convinced my mom to let me do online classes at home.

By the summer of 2018, my cousin had introduced me to his group of friends and we all got along pretty well. We smoked everyday until the end of summer. As fall drew near, I was PARANOID. I was two years younger than most of my friends and I thought I was annoying to them and felt like I intruded on their group, so I distanced myself. I stopped snapping the group chat and stopped inviting them over. I pushed them away because I was paranoid. I had never been as paranoid as I was until I started smoking weed.

2019 came and despite it being the end of my internet ban, I was broken. Being high was the new sober. My highs started turning into a buzz and only a buzz. It didn’t make me laugh or smile, it just made me a lazy husk that played video games and watched youtube endlessly.

When the summer of 2019 arrived, my cousin came to spend the summer with me. Now, I don’t want to rant about other people anymore so I’ll just say this. He knew I was broken. It was clear as day; I’d wake up, sit at my desk all day, then go to sleep. Despite my attempts at open conversation, he was never willing to be vulnerable with me, even when Etika died. So when the end of summer came, we were both very condescending and passive aggressive toward one another.

After that summer, I was left still high, insecure, mean, emotionless, and lonely. I didn’t want to contact my Michigan friends because was a little bitch. I was afraid they would see what I’d become and they’d distance themselves from me, so I turned to the internet. I knew that I had fans and friends that waited two years for my return, so I started streaming. All was going well, but despite all of my internet friends, I wasn’t happy. Not knowing the source of my unhappiness, I continued to smoke and stream, slowly ignoring my internet friends over time, and I continued neglecting myself.

Then mid December came. I don’t remember how it happened, but I stopped smoking for a week. It was during that week that I realized what I just typed above. I was emotionless - I hadn’t genuinely laughed in months, I felt pressured to stream. My relationships sucked and were fading day by day, so I stopped smoking.

Christmas soon came and to simply put it, I relapsed. One small hit. That’s all it took. I took one tiny vape hit on Christmas evening and I’ve been smoking everyday since then.

I’ve wrote this not because I want pity, but because I want to help my friends understand me a little better.

To all of my friends, I know I’ve been distant from all of you. Please, just be a little more patient with me, I’m getting there. :)

Anyway... I started writing this mini essay on July 31st and I’ve spent 6 days working on this. I’ve never talked about some of this stuff openly so it feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest. My final thoughts are in my post that precedes this. Thanks for reading, I love you all, be safe, don’t catch the VID, and remember,

Dicks out for Harambe.

0 notes

angrybelieverconnoisseur-blog · 6 years

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Do you need insurance if you only have temporary tags?

"Do you need insurance if you only have temporary tags?

I was wondering if you need insurance if you have temporary tags in Ohio, and if you do, what's the cheapest insurance company for male teens?

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im gonna buy a bike and heard that its cheaper for a bike and its insurance then a car and its insurance... thanks for the help

What's a good auto insurance company that has a good rating?

I have four cars.... no tickets or claims in years.. I have insurance now, but I think I am paying too much. Only one of them is driven on a daily basis..... the others very infrequently.""

What would be the insurance of a teen driving a 2004 Toyota Camry?

My 16 year old daughter just got her lisence and i want to put her on insurance right away. I just need the range of about how much this would cost me.

Do you need insurance if you only have temporary tags?

I was wondering if you need insurance if you have temporary tags in Ohio, and if you do, what's the cheapest insurance company for male teens?

No insurance ticket?

I got a ticket today for no insurance. I know I can go to court and show proof of insurance and just pay court costs. After I show the court my insurance card, are they going to contact the insurance company to make sure it is valid? I'm sure you know why I am asking.""

What is the best deductible for car insurance?

Homeowners insurance question?

I've carried my auto and homeowners insurance with State Farm for about 15 years. I've had multiple auto claims but only one claim on my homeowners poicy. I had my roof replaced about four years ago when most houses in the area were damaged by hail. I've been very happy dealing with state farm but I'm considering a change to travelers. Travelers sent me a quote that if accurate reduces my homeowner insurance to about $900 per year as compared to the slightly lower benefits from State Farm which is costing $1200 every six months. What opinion do you have of these two companies and what do you base it on. Will Travelers drop me after the first claim and do they pay claims quickly? Please give your opinion on my making a change. Thanks.

How much does getting insurance on a car cost?

im 17 and me and my mom are trying to get the CHEAPEST car insurance possible !! how much does it cost? what company?? thanks for your help

How to get a temporary car insurance?

my friend would like to come to the UK buy a car and then go back to Hungary , So for the time until he gets back to Hungary how to get a car insurance for that 1 or 2 days , and how to inform the DVLA ( if he has to inform them (i am not sure ) ) that the car left the UK ? Thank you for answers""

Will I have to pay sports insurance ?

I'm a 16 year old female and I will be getting a 2007 tiburon 2 door , 4 cyl car , would I have to pay sports insurance on it even though it's not 6 or 8 cyl. ?""

What is the average of insurance cost for a 19 year old?

I've been looking around online to research costs and from what I've seen it averages around $150. $200 at the worst. But my mom tells me I have to pay $440 dollars? Like wtf. Even four of my friends, who are still 18, pay around $170 or so. Is she just bullshitting me? I have never incited any tickets and drove safely when I was 18 and still now at 19. I'm not sure what to say to my mom. I told her about how others are paying wayyyyyyy less. I'm thinking the insurance is just cheating my mom or something. Anyone have any idea what I should do? I remember my mom asking me to give her my transcript to show I have a GPA above 3.0 to lower costs. And now she tells oh it's $440 .. I don't know what's going on. I'm not very well spoken in my native language so there's some issues talking about this.""

I'm 17 years old will my insurance go up for a speeding ticket i just recieved?

i was getting away from someone tailgating me, horn blowing etc. for reasons still unsure and i was afraid if i pulled off the road, he would too, so i was in my corvette, i tapped my brakes, nothing and he gigged me so i pulled away and he turned off onto a side road and was i was clocked going 64 in a 45. if i go to traffic school will my insurance not go up much since its my first offense?""

Do you have to have a vehicle to get an auto insurance quote?

ok so i am wondering how much insurance would be for someone like me who has no credit and never owned a car before. i have tried checking online for quotes and stuff but i dont even have a car, and the sites like geico or progressive require u to have a vehicle to even get a quote. i live in minnesota and im 24 if that makes a difference.""

Motor trade insurance for 21 year olds?

Im looking for motor trade insurance as a second driver and Im 21 years old.

How much will it cost to insure a motorbike such as cbr600f if im 23 and just passed my test?

And are there ways of cheapening the cost - I really have no clue of how much motorbikes cost to insure. the cbr600f is group 14,which sounds reasonable. Can i lump the insurance with a car thats group 11? i live in the uk.""

""Health insurance starts in 10 days, but I am sick now. Will they reimburse me?""

If I went to the doctor now, would I be able to submit a claim for reimbursement? My insurance is Aetna. I called them, but they are closed because it is Sunday. Answers/suggestions are appreciated.""

Insurance BIN Number?

I need to bring my insurance information to the pharmacy in order to get my prescription costs down. They asked for me to bring several numbers, such as ID #, Group #, etc. I got that, but it also asks for a BIN # . I don't know what that is or where to get that info, is it on the insurance card (I have Blue Cross)? I hope someone can help because I'm in a bind. Thanks, Patrick""

Self employed and need affordable health insurance for self and children?

Transferring van insurance to car?

can u transfer van insurance to a car in republic of ireland

How much do you pay for car insurance?

I pay $525/month. Reason? I like playing bumper cars with real cars. Everytime it goes down, pow right in the kisser, pow right in the kisser, pow right in the kisser, pow right in the kisser, pow right in the kisser, pow right in the kisser""

My insurance premium has doubled.how can they do this!(ireland)?

I put in a small claim of 600 year last year.I am full comp for four years.I have a full licence.I am a lady driver.I havent moved house.My claim is settled.some insurance companies has refused to quote me.they say it is not in there policy to do so.They wont give me this in writing as this is not there policy either.At the time of the claim i was told verbaly that my insurance would not go up more than 150 euros.

Will full coverage car insurance cover a blown head gasket?

It still has enough oil in it (between E and F on the dip stick), I can just tell this is what it is because Oil is leaking down the driver side gasket and I'm noticing my coolant level beginning to drop. I just want to do something about it now before I keep driving it and completely blow the engine.""

Car Insurance company asking for dependent's SSN.?

She doesn't have one as she is on H4 visa. she has ITIN. We are in Texas. Is there any way out for this? My wife doesn't drive and is not listed as a driver on the insurance.

How much would it cost to insure a ford puma?

how much would the insurance be on a ford puma for a 17 year old, driver whose just passed her test??""

Does anyone know what homeowners insurance companies allow dogs like like chow chows?

We are thinking of getting a very sweet gentle chow from a local rescue group and our current insurance (Travelers) will cancel our policy should we get a chow (plus a whole other long list of breeds). I'd like to hear from someone w/ a german shepherd, sled dog (husky, malamute, akita), rott, pit bull, or other dog deemed dangerous about what insurance company you may use.""

Cheapest tuner platform to insure?

I am a 16 year old male looking to buy his first car. I know im in the situation to get the highest insurance already, but im still looking for a tuner. I have about 4 grand to spend so ive been looking at civic vtecs, 240sx's, vw's and many others. I was wondering how much some tuners cost in insurance for my age and sex, and also any other cars that are cheap to insure, but i can get a lot of horsepower out of. Thank you!""

I'm 20 from London what insurance companies will let my 17 year old brother be on my policies?

Me and my 17 year old brother want to buy a 50cc gilera dna 1 for me and 1 for him. I have a full UK drivers licence and revived insurance quotes for around 400 a year......where as my brothers cheapest. Quote was 550 a year. He doesn't have any sort of licence but was hoping to get a scooter license this coming January's. So the question is would he be able to be put on my insurance policies I'm 20?? And what insurance companies will do that? Thanks ;).

""Muscle car, sports car insurance (old models)?""

Hi, im 14 and starting to get interested in buying a car, i want a old muscle car type like a stingray Corvette, Mustang, or Camaro, something of the type, like models 60s to 80s, i asked my dad about insurance on something like that and he said it would be expensive because of the fiber glass bodies and other things, i just wanted to see if he was right or wrong. so if someone could tell me all about that, i would appreciate it thanks!!!""

Scooter 50cc and 125cc insurance??

Can you please tell me how much insurance in Ireland would cost for a 16 year old boy don't say phone up the insurance company because i am just wondering how much it is thanks if you know I was looking at 125cc scooter which is insurance group 2 I was also looking at a 50cc scooter insurance group 1 Thanks for answering and please tell me your prices in euro thanks again.

Do you need insurance if you only have temporary tags?

I was wondering if you need insurance if you have temporary tags in Ohio, and if you do, what's the cheapest insurance company for male teens?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/motorcycle-insurance-company-temporary-1-month-policy-self-maus"

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