#i am not scared of objectifying men. i am not

[magnusedom]

what if i use up all my hard drive storage left by downloading all spartacus seasons to gif a lot and be happy

[cypionate60mg]

I’m honestly so thankful you and others are blogging like this. First group of people to take trans masculinity a step further than “but I swear I’m not scary.” Delight in masculinity makes observers so uncomfortable, even other trans people. The new soundbite going around is “choosing to be a man is not apolitical,” which lays bare pretty much all the ways masculinity is feared and reviled by the queer community except in pockets of people living as they please. It makes me sad that others can’t see what a joy it is to expose and pursue truth and joy.

Hmm. There's about a dozen of these sorts of asks in my inbox, so consider this an answer to all of them.

I'm picking up some underlying implications here ("even other trans people" and "feared and reviled by the queer community") that I want to address, whether or not you meant for them to come through.

It's perfectly understandable for people to be nervous around hypermasculinity. The network of oppression that gatekeeps masculinity and manhood (different things that it wants to preserve as a single unit) is the same one that abjectifies and objectifies anything deemed 'insufficiently masculine.' Make no mistake. This is a machine that suppresses all trans people, but it thrives on the subjugation of trans women, singling them out as moral lessons for the failures of society.

I'll go ahead and respond to the quiet part out loud: I think it's ludicrous to imagine that the transphobia trans men/transmascs experience is both separate and parallel to transmisogyny. The subordination of all women of various intersecting experiences is the oppressive power that hurts us. Indirectly or directly. That doesn't mean what we experience is transmisogyny, either. And I don't think the appropriate response to the intracommunity fear is to wield masculinity like a weapon unused. I don't want to move through the world like a knife.

In my life, personally, the people who have been most supportive and excited to see me experiment with masculinity have been trans women and transfems. I'm extremely skeptical of how our sisters are scapegoated for the transphobia we as trans men and transmascs face. There are, obviously, always going to be arguments within the community. People who hate the other. But I refuse to let that define my relationship with people who I have so much to gain from loving and working with.

There are absolutely ways to talk about how trans men and transmascs struggle. It is important to our survival that we discuss this. And if anybody is ready to have that conversation without placing the brunt of the blame on trans women, I'm ready.

Of course I get scared of cis men, of other trans men, of myself, of what people think of me. But that fear won't be resolved by demanding others give up their own fear. It's resolved by demonstrating that we can make something worthwhile out of a grotesque, absurd concept. One that is used to subjugate so many people. We do, unfortunately, have to prove ourselves. We have to make community and make good on our promises. We have to push each other to be better, while still taking care of the ones who can't. There have always been people who have taken trans masculinity further than 'I'm not scary', and we would do well to continue on the paths they've paved for us.

Masculinity is a bit of a ravaged landscape. A gender Superfund site. It is a place where many things do not grow, and there is an active effort to prevent things from blossoming there. I'm making these stupid captions because I am hopelessly optimistic that we can change something. It doesn't mean we will be free of criticism or won't face transphobia from other people. But fuck, man. I'm not fighting for this because I want to jack off to being an incel without being chided for it. I'm doing this because we need to have a serious conversation about what it means to take on masculinity. How to enter into a space that we weren't necessarily invited into and not fall for its bullshit. It's high fucking difficulty, that's for sure.

I'm sorry for being intense, but this shit gets me heated.

Side note: this soundbite hasn't crossed my path, so I don't have any opinion on it.

That's all I have to say for now. I don't really want to talk about this any further, unless we can hinge the conversation on a non-transmisogynistic talking point. I'm happy to turn off asks if people can't handle that.

Much love, CYP60MG

[crazilust]

Glamour, beauty, sex, lips

⚠️trigger warning: brief mention of SA ⚠️

My creative essence is very connected to these themes, that’s why I always connected HEAVILY to Marilyn Monroe. Sex and beauty symbol of her era, but always putting up a sort of front.

I’ve always been hesitant to dive into it because I’m scared of judgement, I don’t want to be seen and most importantly have been S.A’d in my past.

Sexuality has always made feel wrong and out of place. Whenever I am sexual, the last thing I wanna be is seen. But whenever I’m creative, I can feel this energy transcending me (esp when I dance) but at the very same time, I can’t stop feeling ashamed about it.

Especially when people, well men, have been objectifying me about it, amplifying the shame around it.

Lately, as I’ve realized it, I’ve been meaning to do a photoshoot to explore this dichotomy inside me.

The part of me that wants to show this sensuality and the part of me that wants to completely hide it.

My Ketu is in Dhanishtha, and you can find alot of beauty icons/sex symbols having this nak.

Will try to dive deeper into this essence.

[eerna]

eerna what's going on in s3 bridgerton your posts and answers making me scared to watch on my life lmao

pls don't hate me, Colin lovers, but I was told by a friend who read the series that he's more fun and chill in the books and also i just....find Polin from even s1 is kinda uhhhhh?awkward?? cuz he's kind of unnecessarily serious and so not chill in the previous seasons?? maybe i don't see his appeal because I'm no Penny but i do not see his appeal in the show

so rn i haven't even watched it and seeing your posts is making me moreeeeeee 😶‍🌫️ it's okay give us the cringey details

Nsbysbbsb NO WORRIES!!! I have a weirdly big amount to say about this show bc I am no longer suffering as much as I did in s1 and 2. Prepare for an essay on my feelings on Polin and thank you for enabling me.

Ok so Colin. Not saying your friend is wrong bc I didn't read the book, but p much everyone I saw talking about it said Colin was very angry and aggressive in it, and for NO REASON since he's supposed to be the "calm brother". I'm glad that the show let him get upset, but never the way he was in the books/Anthony was in s2, where I legit worried about Kate's safety sometimes. Colin was my fav Bridgerton brother bc he was totally different from all the other men on the show, calm and silly and romantic.

Thar being said!!! I never ever thought of him as a GOOD love interest, and s3 only made it worse. First off, yeah, s1 and 2 do NOT show him and Pen as friends nearly enough to warrant the speed of their connection in s3. I blocked s2 from my memory bc I hated it So Damn Much so I can't 100% stand behind my words, but I don't really remember many friendly scenes with the two of them that didn't feel like he was just entertaining his sister's bestie? I remember he once danced with her, and he sent her letters from his travels, and that's it. Then in s3 we are supposed to believe Pen knows him soooo well, she sees through his tricks when no one else does, he can't stand losing her friendship when she stops talking to him. How, when the impression I got from their relationship was "oh she is clearly silly in love and he doesn't care about her enough to notice"!!!

And s3... Oh boy. Colin gets his "glowup" and becomes a rake bc Bridgerton writers would probably spontaneously combust if they wrote a virgin male lead. We see him flirt and smash other women and it is always so so so awkward. I've seen people trying to rationalize it as "Oh he is supposed to be pretending, oh we are supposed to find it cringe" but NO, he is objectified the exact same way Simon and Anthony were, and we as the audience are supposes to think it is sexy. To be fair, Pen finds it concerning but I think that has more to do with the amount of silly, vapid women constantly swarming around him. So now we are even FURTHER away from seeing any reasons why the two of them would be friends. And then we get hit with the "Colin teaches Pen how to find a husband" plot, and oh my god it is so bad, IT IS SO BAD, they have like 2 lessons across 1 episode before they are busted and stop and he literally taught her NOTHING she IGNORED HIS ADVICE AND FIGURED IT OUT BY HERSELF but everyone treats him like a war hero for taking one for the team and teaching the poor unlikeable social reject how to act. We also have the stupid scene where she is criyng begging him to kiss her because she is convinced otherwise she would die without being kissed, and he is trying to elegantly avoid it, and oh my god, I hated this, it is framed as cute and romantic but it is so uncomfortable and bad. AAAAAAAA. Anyway. Then there is this hilariously horrible incident where he saves her from a feral balloon, and if you are wondering wtf am I talking about, its because it is really bad and written like a Scary Movie slasher scene. There are exactly 3 moments that I liked, and ALL of them were bc Colin seemed very lost and desperate. First was when Pen told him they should stay away from each other after the scandal of them hanging out came out (which I liked bc if it were any other girl, some unhinged character would force them to marry, but since it was Pen they were like "Well obviously it's true there was nothing untowards happening it is just cringe haha loserrr"), and he looked like he stopped comprehending English. The second was when he was confessing his feelings, he got on his knees and looked like he was about to cry and I thought that was sweet! Well, he did mention torture which is a very ugly word to use in such a speech, but whatever. The third was after the Infamous Carriage Scene when he says something silly and the two giggle together and I was like PLEASE WHERE WAS THIS ENERGY IN S1 AND 2!!

And may I just say!! The actual Bridgerton Glowup one was PEN and NOT COLIN. In s1 and 2 you could tell she was pretty, but in s3 they made her so damn beautiful that my friends and I would go "Oh wow" several times per episode. And it's not only the clothes, they would put her in rooms where she pops out and sparkles and frame her in shots just perfectly. Idk why they only gave her 1 alternate love interest and then shot her Like That, there should have been at LEAST one more guy following in Debling's trail. Now she's the hot one in the relationship so I can't buy her desperation for Colin's approval or society's perception of Colin as a charity in any way.

With all that said. I think this is the best season of Bridgerton proper. It still isn't something I'd enjoy unironically, but at least it is neither a horrible age gap dynamic feat. SA nor a horrible disgusting juggling of sisters feat. murderer vibes. The only thing I'd say is worse than it used to be is the clothes, which are slowly creeping towards The Reign level of ahistorical and bad.

[sponfawn]

MTH Meta - Sisterhood of the PPGs

For anon who asked for a post on the Girls' relationships, specifically wrt Buttercup not opening up to her sisters, Blossom not telling Buttercup about what happened with Brick, and why they never actually address their issues. Hope you like long posts.

Full disclosure, I am an only child and my friends who had siblings mostly had brothers or a large age gap with their sisters, so if anyone else has other thoughts, pls feel free to share!

Blossom and Buttercup are really interesting to me. In some ways they have extremely similar motivations, it's just that the methods and approaches they use are near opposites. Ive said in another post that they both try to prevent being objectified by dressing and acting in certain ways. But to go into this further, they both have quite a bit of internalized misogyny behind that. They are both very conscious of their reputations and take measures to maintain them, and they both have self-imposed ideas about what it means about them if they don't reinforce those roles/expectations. Those roles and reputations are very tied up in their identities. They are both proud ppl who like to keep their emotional lives quite private, and who see certain displays of emotion as shows of weakness. Where Blossom uses self control, rationality, and "maturity" to hide her vulnerability, Buttercup uses anger, violence, and occasionally humor.

I think I will start with Buttercup, because I was a lot like her for many years, and I think I understand her better than Blossom.

Buttercup has built her very public reputation on being the "toughest" of the Girls since they were 5 (really since they were created). Since they were kids, she has teased Bubbles for being openly emotional and sensitive. And I think for many people, especially kids, when you have a reputation for something it can be very difficult to step outside of those expectations. It can be easier if one has a change of environment where people don't have preconceptions of who you are or what you're like. But Buttercup has never had that luxury, because as a public figure who has only ever lived in Townsville, everyone knows who she is and they all have certain expectations of what she's like.

This is also true of Blossom and Bubbles, but I think at least in Bubbles' case her expectations are a bit less restraining. At least emotionally. People tend to underestimate her, but she is comfortable with putting them in their place when she feels it's needed (see the face she made that actually scared Brick when she visited the Boys' apartment for the first time). Her reputation is being cute and "the joy and the laughter" of the Girls, and while that can also be restrictive in theory, we don't really see that holding her back from getting mad or upset.

Brene Brown has a theory on shame (through a v binary gender lens but I think it's applicable here). For most (cishet) men, she uses a metaphor of a box. Inside the box are behaviors/etc that a person considers acceptable in terms of masculinity, and behaviors outside of the box tend to elicit shame because they do not adhere to the perceived "rules" of masculinity and thus show "weakness". Obviously Buttercup is not a cishet man, and I'm not sure that I would go so far as to say she experiences shame outside that box. But her reputation and internalized misogyny act similarly, as a box outside of which certain behaviors are "weak" and seen as embarrassing. We can see this when she tells Butch to act like she didn't cry, when she thinks about how stupid it was for her to get a dress with Mitch, when she is at the kitchen store and hopes that no one she knows sees her there. She has a set of self-imposed "rules" about what she "shouldn't" show to other people that ends up restricting her a lot in terms of her ability to be vulnerable with others. With Mitch, she was able to break some of those "rules" because he knew her in a way she thought her sisters and others didn't, and because he reinforced her private (albeit limited) vulnerability with approval and affection.

Buttercup communicates more through actions than words. It may partly be just a natural preference but for some ppl it's because verbal communication can feel more vulnerable or difficult, because it is so specific and straightforward, if that makes sense. In the og show, Buttercup even has trouble with the vulnerability of just saying sorry. Angry confrontations and physical fights are her forte. Otherwise emotional confrontations? Not so much. We see this with Mitch and the guys in the earlier chapters, and even with Butch when she feels like a moment is too intimate and distances herself.

She has a sort of fear of other people perceiving her vulnerability to begin with, and i think in some ways that aversion may be even stronger or more deep seated with her sisters. If her experience was anything like mine, showing signs of mildly uncharacteristic softness may have been met with teasing or may have been brought up later at inopportune moments. We know that Bubbles teases her, and while idt Bubbles would do so if she thought Buttercup was genuinely hurt and vulnerable (though she didn't pull punches around Buttercup's breakup on their first day of the winter semester), small jabs like that over the years can go a long way to reinforcing some behaviors and discouraging certain others. There's also the fact that sometimes the people who have known you intimately your whole life can be the hardest to break behavioral patterns with. Our brains create these sort of well-worn paths with thought and behavioral patterns we use often, and those are the paths we automatically take. And if those paths have been reinforced for your whole life, it's especially hard to break out of. It's definitely possible, but one has to work hard for it.

All of this is to say - there are over a decade of precedents that likely reinforced Buttercup's struggles with verbal communication and vulnerability, and a lot of it is tied up with her sense of self and others' expectations. Teens in general also tend to be less than amazing at communication especially if they haven't had therapy. At the moment, there are more reasons than not why Buttercup doesn't confide in or bring up her complicated relationship with her sisters and the ways she feels hurt by them. As frank and unfiltered as she can be on the surface, she is very avoidant and cagey about her internal experiences when it doesn't directly involve anger.

Blossom, interestingly enough, has a LOT of the same issues with public perception, identity, and vulnerability. Going back to Brene Brown, she uses a metaphor of a web to describe cishet women's experiences, where there are many things that one has to juggle perfectly that intersect with various roles in one's identity (eg one's roles as a parent, spouse, employee, daughter, friend, etc). Perceived shortfalls in any of these areas can trigger shame associated with one or more of the various roles one has tied to their identity. That's not worded the best, but I digress. Again I don't necessarily think it goes as far as shame for Blossom but it's certainly connected to guilt for her. Incidentally, the way to combat shame according to Brene Brown? Honest vulnerability, which fosters connection to others.

Blossom holds herself to a standard above everyone else, including her sisters, because she has inhabited the "leader" role since she was created. She takes a lot of pride in that role, and strives to live up to it, including with regards to shows of emotion. She is very concerned with appearances (I don't mean this in a judgy way) in the sense that she is always thinking about how others perceive her, how she can be a good role model, how she needs to have restraint and self control, how she "shouldn't" slip up or make mistakes because she's not human, she's "better". And this is a role and an identity she has held for so long that she doesn't really know who she is without Townsville to protect (see her specific anxiety about college visits and her future outside of Townsville).

So while it says that Bubbles and Blossom are closer in general because they shared more interests growing up, after Brick rejected her, I don't think she wanted anyone to see her crying. I don't think it was just Buttercup she didn't want seeing, but Bubbles happened to walk in while she was crying. She was trying to muffle her sobs with her pillow, was trying to calm down before anyone came up, but Bubbles found her when she couldn't deny that she was still actively trying to stifle her sobs. I think letting Bubbles comfort her was already a big step for Blossom in terms of emotional vulnerability, but it was made a little bit easier by the fact that it was Bubbles who isn't ashamed to cry and talks openly about her feelings.

When Buttercup saw her at school, she had already kind of calmed down from crying and was getting ready to go home. She was also at school, a setting where she is always "on" and doesn't allow herself to be vulnerable, so she was inclined to deny that something was really wrong - it was embarrassing to her. Buttercup coming into the room added more tension to an already raw situation in which Blossom's pride was hurt - both in terms of being rejected and in terms of being so emotional about it when she's supposed to be "mature". I think Buttercup wanted to spring into action, to know what was going on so she could try to fix or help in her own way, which resulted in her concern and then frustration, but Blossom was already making a big step telling Bubbles. I think the fact that Buttercup also sees crying as a sort of "weakness" affected Blossom's willingness to share with Buttercup. Blossom herself sees her control over her emotions as a virtue, so being so emotional also seems like a "weakness" to her. The last thing she wants on top of heartbreak is to come off weak, because as much as Buttercup and Bubbles are her sisters, she is their leader. Bubbles is closer to her and doesn't attach that meaning to emotion or crying, making it easier to show that vulnerability with her. There's also the fact that Blossom may have thought that as protective and impulsive as Buttercup is, she might've made a big deal out of it with Brick for hurting Blossom. And that would be yet another humiliation, albeit fully unintentional.

As for why they haven't addressed the elephant shoved in the back of the proverbial room, I think there's a couple reasons. In Bubbles' words, Buttercup lets things build up until they explode. It's hard to have a productive talk about deep seated, years old issues when everyone's emotions are already really heightened. And that seems to be the only time it comes up at least from Buttercup's end. Bubbles is by far the most emotionally intelligent and communicative one, but she doesn't like arguments or emotional conflicts so I don't think she's very inclined to bring things up that could start them if she can avoid it. We sort of see this with Will when she defuses his anger by calling herself a "bad girlfriend" and doesn't address a lot of the things that make her unhappy in their relationship until their breakup. Blossom seems to come from the perspective that if someone has an issue, they should bring it up in a mature way without becoming very emotional or defensive (or aggressive). That it is their responsibility and they only have themselves to blame if they don't (see her conversation with Bubbles after their first monster fight). And in general I do think that is a fairly decent communication policy - ppl can't read minds. But it's not a realistic way to improve Blossom and Buttercup's relationship specifically imo.

We don't really see Blossom asking Buttercup what's going on either, and we know that Buttercup isn't one to volunteer information about what's going on with her. Tho it's very possible that Blossom has tried to ask in the past but has given up after Buttercup rejected those attempts. I think Buttercup also tends to get more defensive with Blossom in apprehension of criticism. Blossom is more critical of her than Bubbles, which doesn't necessarily inspire her to confide in her if she was ever inclined to do so. In fact, most of their interactions throughout the fic involve competitiveness/rivalry, teasing, and/or scolding. Mostly scolding (if only cuz Buttercup doesn't care about cussing or behaving "properly" in more official settings).

Putting two kids/teens with a high aversion to vulnerability and opposite strategies of addressing issues in the same household tends to lead to conflict that doesn't get fully addressed/resolved without intervention. At least in my experience.

As a tangential addendum, I do find it really interesting that Blossom confided in Bubbles yet not the Professor, and that Buttercup confided in the Professor yet not her sisters. And I think that is also at least partly a function of the roles and reputations they take on. Blossom is the competent leader who is supposed to be ok. She doesn't want to worry the Professor. She might even feel like it might disappoint him for her to be so shaken over something "trivial" and a rowdyruff boy to boot (I don't think he would be but I digress). Buttercup also doesn't want the Professor to know about how Butch ripped her shirt off because he was tired and she didn't want to worry him, but that was a source of anger rather than sadness. In contrast, she was kind of in shock when she got back home after the breakup with Mitch and the initial rage. She only broke down after the Professor asked if she was ok and it kind of shook her out of her numbness. But I think there's also a sort of vulnerability she specifically allows with the Professor in private, though this is more of a headcanon. My only "evidence" for this is that scene in the show where he kisses each of the girls goodnight and Buttercup scowls until he kisses her on the head, eliciting an adorable but brief smile before scowling again. And in the first chapter he indulges her request to drop them off further down the block away from Mitch, and she kisses him on the cheek and says "I love you with all my heart", and idk I just think she has an especially soft spot in her heart for him. Like in the deep, secret recesses of her heart she's a covert Dad's girl?

[thebdsmsofurlife]

Which type of cunt are you?

A. You look innocent. Somewhat classy, but deep inside, you have sick twisted fantasies and it makes you wet, just knowing how filthy you really are. How no one has a clue about it. You know you are sicker and filthier than most girls. Reblog and say “I am sick, daddy” if you belong to this category.

B. You’re a nympho slut. A sex-addict. A cumwhore. Even while you function and do your daily chores, being filled, fucked and used is the only thing on the back of your mind. You pretend to be classy, but secretly you’re a wet mess all fucking day. Sex is the only thing on your mind. You could feel your pussy all day long, if you wouldn’t have to do chores. Just need the right man to use you and keep you on his leash, all day long. Reblog and say “Break me, daddy” if you belong to this category.

C. Humiliation. That’s what makes you cum. Being treated like trash. Being called names. Pissed on. Slapped. Treated like a fucking sex object with all dignity and self respect taken away. You feel guilty later on, after you’ve been used. After you cum. Yet within a few hours, you’re craving that degradation again. Caught in the vicious cycle again and you know there’s no escaping now. You’ll never be able to cum to a “nice” guy again. Don’t need them either. Reblog and say “I am trash, daddy” if you belong to this category.

D. You have a Husband. A boyfriend. A lover, yet here you are. Cumming to rough, degrading porn. To women being used like shit and half wishing it was you. Your partner has no idea you’re here and nor is he kinky or wild enough to use you like this. Fucking need to cheat on him secretly and be used. You need daddy to use you like you were made to be used and cheating only makes this cunt drip more. Reblog and say “make me cheat, daddy” if you belong to this category.

E. No strong father figure in your life? Even when you had one, you were neglected. Making you attracted towards a strong father figure from an early age. You want to call a guy “daddy” before doing everything in your way to please him. That’s how you’ll earn the affection you never got. You’re broken now and you’ve got daddy issues, but you’ve embraced it. Reblog and say “You are my daddy” if you belong to this category.

F. You want to be controlled, from what you think about to what you wear. Tasks and rules complete you. You want to be brainwashed. Corrupted. Left an addict by daddy till the point that you can’t say no, even when you want to. You act normal, but deep down inside you just want to be an owned, braindead sextoy. Once a good girl, now reduced to nothing but a vacant look and gaping holes. Reblog and say “Brainwash me, daddy” if you belong to this category.

G. You’ve always stood up for girls around you. Stood up against perverts. Even against those misogynistic jokes guys cracked around you. You’re not scared of speaking out against men like that either. A true feminist on the outside that’s not scared of letting her opinions known. Vocal about protecting other girls. They don’t know how you go home though and secretly cum to thoughts of men violating and abusing you. How you secretly can’t get enough of being a fuck object. That’s all that you really want, deep down inside. A secret feminist skank, nothing more. Reblog and say “Me too, daddy” if you belong to this category.

H. You love being an object. You’re pretty. You’ve got a nice body. You pretend like you’re dressing up for yourself and you even give men dirty looks when they stare at your legs in a skirt, or those juicy tits and cleavage popping out. Secretly though? You love it, whore. You love that men are just objectifying you. That’s all you want to be for them too. A fucking sex object. Reminded that you’re nothing but holes to get off to. Reblog and say “Objectify me, daddy” if you belong to this category.

I. You love being a filthy race traitor. You’d be a disappointment to your family, if they ever knew what you crave. The more they wanted to keep you ‘pure’, the more you want a man from another race to fucking ruin you. An interracial addict by now. Betraying your own race, thoughts and even your own husband because a dirty dark man’s cock is all that gets you off now. Their brutality is what you need. Reblog and say “Destroy my race, daddy” if you belong to this category.

J. You love being in a risky situation or place. Risk is what pushes you over the edge. The more wrong it is? The more risky it gets? The more it makes your cunt leak. Could be sexting at work. Letting a man degrade you while you’re sitting next to your mom. Or simply talking to your husband about his day while I keep texting you and tell you what a dirty fucking slut you are. Let daddy put you in that position. Reblog and say “Risk it, daddy” if you belong to this category.

Think I missed out on a category? Let me know and I’ll put that up too. Choose a max of three categories which suit you best and let daddy know

[astrum-aetherium]

Could you elaborate more on Camilla? It's for... research purposes, an innocent research and without second or third intentions.

all too gladly — like other TSH figures, she is extremely complex and therefore interesting to dissect. i don't know how much time you have, which is why i will offer you a mere general overview of my opinions on her character. once again, sensically — tw for incest. goes without saying when it comes to her, unfortunately.

i appreciate her as a character and likewise sympathize with her greatly. in my eyes, she is an unfairly dismissed longtime victim of incest who has settled into that cycle of abuse so deeply that the reveal thereof doesn't even shock most readers — i've seen far too many people admitting it "made sense" or "was expected" for charles and camilla to be romantically involved with one another, which we can only owe to ms tartt herself, who strangely saw to that with striking intricacy via her writing. why — i may never know. dark academia, flawed characters, we're not supposed to like them, elitism, wealth — i know, i know, i know. it's still so utterly strange to me.

in addition, as the only woman in a close-knit circle of men (who are already far too privileged for their own good, predominantly heteronormative, and outspoken creatures of their time — specifically bunny), she is obviously the only one being gone after by nearly everyone. henry, her own brother, richard, even francis (on a singular occasion, but didn't he say she was the only one he ever questioned his sexuality over?), and possibly bunny, had he not been in a relationship and scared shitless of henry toward the end? plus, she is portrayed to be an indirect catalyst for the final traumatic event in the book due to being involved with both charles and henry. now, i do not attribute any fault to her, as she certainly has her own reasons to still be in that position (listed below), and what charles and henry did is their own fault and therefore between the two of them only. never blame a woman for a disagreement sparked between men, even if she was indirectly involved.

because of this depiction, i would even go as far as labeling her a "manic pixie dream girl", especially because she is described as so ambivalent and enigmatic in the novel. it truly seems to me that there are very few consistent characterization points in regard to her in the book. it's always either — oh, she is so clever and beautiful, so divine, and she amuses us all, and she is the mediator; or, oh, she is so secretive and has a palpable air of mystery, and must be hiding so much behind that pretty face and sad eyes. very manic-pixie-dream-girlish, if you ask me — but we know whose fault it is (hint: she was born on december 23rd). and yes, she does entertain the attention of most of the men interested in her, but then again, i elaborated on this matter in my post regarding her relationship with henry: i am fully convinced that she is not attracted to men whatsoever, neither romantically nor sexually, and engaging some of them is just a trauma response to partaking in incestuous activity and finding herself in an environment predominantly defined by men. i have a feeling that internally, she's longing to break free from all of it in whichever way possible, and she deserves to.

there's just no justification for not feeling bad for her in this case. camilla is done so dirty by the author of TSH in the way that she is misportrayed, it ails me. she constantly finds herself being objectified and disregarded, recognized and emphasized not for her academic skills and knowledge, but for the fact she is a beautiful, mystifying woman in a circle of intelligent, preposterously pretentious men. annoyingly, she is some sort of "feminine relief", the concept whereof outright vexes me. honestly — the way richard speaks of her sometimes (and yes, i know, it's meant to be like that, as he's an unreliable narrator and a young hormonal man on top of that, but nevertheless) is just outrageous. she is a victim of incest trapped in a position where she cannot communicate with anyone but her abuser and his male friends. is it ever mentioned that she entertains female acquaintances? i cannot recall, and that should be sufficient proof. the confinement she must feel, both in her interpersonal position and in her femininity, must be insane. she deserves so much more.

i want her to leave most of them behind, specifically those who have never seen her as anything other than an object of desire — even charles (who has fled anyway!) — and move somewhere to the warm south into a remote country cottage with a gorgeous, gigantic garden which she would tend to daily, and drive out into the city every now and again for groceries and bookstore strolls. a miss honey type, you know? hell, she could have a wife. a cat or a dog. horses or cattle, even. as far as i'm concerned, she could even see francis on occasion for a paired vacation or a lunch date here and there. i feel like they have the best shot at developing the healthiest bond, despite their shared trauma.

all in all, i think it's obvious that i have the biggest soft spot for her and am therefore convinced that she deserves nothing but the best. she was done quite dirty by ms tartt, and all the characters she ever shared a space with. i only sleep soundly at night knowing that she is very much fictional.

[run-me-through-but-not-like-that]

not sure if anyone's sent sth similar to this in but:

steddy hands with a reader who just can't allow themself to have the good things™ cuz they don't deserve it/it's all going to disappear and they'll be alone, again

so best to just not engage with it, yeah?

(I am in a very angsty mood today, probably partially cuz my self worth problems reared its ugly head and partially cuz I was scrolling through izzy hands related tags for like a full hour or two heugh-)

You Deserve Good Things:

The mood in the captain's cabin was rather sombre, the co-captains and first mate licking their wounds. Tending to their wounded egos after your most recent rejection.

They couldn't even say that you completely rejected them, you had spent enough nights with them for them to know you had to be interested in them to some extent, but you never accepted offers to spend some quality time with them. They always had to disguise it as work otherwise you would go all tense and make an excuse to not spend time with them. It hurt.

"Perhaps...they're just not interested in anything more?" Stede suggested sadly, staring down at his untouched cup of tea.

"I dunno, I thought there was something," Edward sank into the plush settee, having already wrapped himself up in the red patterned robe he had become so fond of.

Izzy, who was slouched down in the armchair, just looked between the two of him. Doing his pondering a little more privately.

"Do you think that we have not been clear enough? Oh God, do you think they thought we only wanted something physical from them?" Stede's eyes suddenly widened with worry.

He hoped you didn't felt used or objectified with them, that hadn't been their attention at all! The only reason they hadn't made their confession is because they didn't want to come on too strong and scare you away. Stede imagined that beginning to date people who were already in a relationship was already rather intimidating, Izzy had expressed as much (at least as much as Izzy expresses anything).

"Shit, yeah, that might be it. What if they only want it to be a physical thing, though?" Edward questioned, pushing himself up slightly.

"Then I suppose we would have to decide whether that's something we wish to continue or something that would end up hurting us more than benefitting us," Stede hummed, his frown returning. They couldn't blame you for the misunderstanding, but somebody was bond to get hurt in this.

"You two are so fucking stupid sometimes," Izzy muttered, forgoing the tea that Stede had offered for a glass of rum. He needed something to take the edge off.

"Fucking hell, Iz. Tell us how you really feel," Edward huffed a small laugh.

"What do you mean, darling?" Stede asked, both of them used to Izzy's way of speaking. Clearly, he had an opinion he wanted to express.

"Remember when you first proposed this whole thing to me? Remember how I reacted?" Izzy asked, looking between his two partners.

"Of course, you were a right little pain in the-" Stede began, only for Edward to speak up and interrupt him.

"Oh..." Edward's eyes widened slightly in realisation. "Do you think that's it, Iz?" he asked.

"I dunno, maybe. That's just how I felt, could be a similar thing since they're acting kinda similar," Izzy shrugged. It's not like he could read your mind, but it was possibly you felt the way he once had.

"Uh, what exactly do we think the problem is?" Stede asked, not quiet understanding what the other two men had apparently concluded.

"I think they're having...some of the same worries I did at the beginning," Izzy explained.

"That we don't truly want them?" Stede's heart just shattered at the thought, at the memory of having that conversation with Izzy.

"Maybe," Izzy shrugged, shifting a little uncomfortably, knowing what Stede was thinking about. "Or maybe that they don't deserve it," he suggested.

"We should speak with them," Stede decided, placing his teacup and saucer down.

"That's the problem though, man," Edward threw his hands up with a whine, "they don't seem to want to talk."

"I do wish they would join us for dinner more often or stay for breakfast," Stede sighed. You had eaten with them occasionally but not nearly as often as they would have liked.

"I mean, we could just tell them to join us for dinner. That's what I did with Iz," Edward recalled.

"Yeah, and I loved that," Izzy agreed sarcastically and Edward gave him an apologetic look. Blurring the lines between captain's order and lovers requests were something they had to work on, and would have to make sure not to blur again with you. "Only stopped freaking out about what you two were up to after you explained it," he reminded them.

"Oh! I have an idea," Stede perked up, and something told Izzy that they hadn't really taken his words to heart. "We should court them, properly. No falling into bed with them until we've spoken properly and made our feelings clear. We'll have dinners and dates and trade gifts," he was smiling at the thought, his face lighting up with hope.

"We'll start tonight with dinner. Think you could tell Roach to make something special, you're great at planning that kind of stuff," Edward was quick to agree, fully sitting up now.

"Of course!" Stede stood, clapping his hands together. He was definitely already planning all the little details for tonight's dinner.

"This is going to be a fucking disaster," Izzy grumbled, sinking down further in the chair.

"At least try to be optimistic, yes?" Stede pouted slightly.

"Fine, we'll do it this way," Izzy sighed, managing a small smile that made his lovers' faces light up.

Izzy couldn't believe that he was the one advocating for talking it through...

-

The invitation to dinner in the captain's cabin didn't come as a complete surprise to you, you had eaten with them before. Though, there was something...different, something you couldn't quite put your finger on.

Stede was being just a little extra charming, Edward was just a little more dressed up than usual, and Izzy looked like he was waiting for the shoe to drop. Nothing unpleasant, just enough to make you think something was going on.

However, the dinner went flawlessly. As always, Roach's food was delicious, all three courses, and the four of you talked like you would any other time. It was easy and comfortable despite the nagging in the back of your mind.

The part that surprised you the most came after dinner was finished. You were invited for a drink in front of the fire, and accepted, the four of you talked and laughed, and then they showed you out and wished you goodnight. A perfectly polite gesture from your captains but it left you a little confused out in the passageway.

You couldn't help but be confused. They had invited you for dinner, had seemingly put some extra effort in, and nobody had even made a move to take you to bed.

It wasn't like you hadn't been invited into their bed multiple times alright, not that you had any problem with it. You were always pleased with an invite, an excuse to indulge the feelings you had developed for the three men.

You knew that these things didn't last. Love, tenderness, finery. Not for your anyway. You knew it was best to avoid it, it was easier than losing it, but you just couldn't help yourself. How could you deprive yourself when the three of them were offering? If you couldn't have the whole experience you would take what you could get, the occasional night with them.

They had never invited you for dinner and it just end up being dinner. It left you scrambling to make sense of it.

Maybe they just changed their mind? Had you done or said something that changed their minds?

-

The strange behaviour continued long after that dinner. The three of them were always around more, you always seemed to have one of them by your side.

They would invite you to have lunch and dinner with them and when you did, they would always make sure that you tried one of the decadent cakes Roach had made for them. They always took note of your preferences and made sure to have your favourites available in future meals.

Or that one time when you invited an offer to drink with them one evening and Edward had insisted that you were one of Stede's robes just because of how comfortable it was. He was right, it was insanely comfortable and you regretted having to take it off.

No, the trip the four of you took was weirder. The Revenge had docked off of some little island for a small vacation. Stede had called your little trip a 'nature walk' and had been very excited. It all seemed kind of romantic, it very much seemed like a date, and you couldn't help but wonder why you had been invited along with the three of them.

The gifts were probably the strangest part though. You had received a few new soft shirts from Stede. Edward had presented you with some rings and earrings that he obtained on a raid, as well as insisting you keep the robe he had asked you to wear that one evening. Izzy had even gotten you a new pair of boots, saying that yours were too worn down (he also got you some proper polish to keep good care of them).

You loved and appreciated all the gift, you just wished you understood why they were giving them to you in the first place.

-

You were in the galley, cleaning up after losing a game of cards with Roach. As was so typical these days, you had company.

Edward had sauntered in, offering you company, before searching through the cupboards to see if Roach was hiding any treats from the crew. You had pointed him in the direction of some sweets Roach had been working on but made him swear to take the blame when Roach found them missing.

You finished up the dishes, placing them were Roach had told you too, making sure they were secure in case of a rouge wave. As you closed the cabinet, you felt two strong arms slither around your waist.

"Those sweets were good," Edward hummed, comfortable tucking his chin against your shoulder.

You had to supress the shiver that threatened to run through you. Having Edward so close like this, in the galley where anyone could walk in, his breath against your ear.

"Did you eat all of them?" you asked, trying to ignore the feeling. Edward could be a pretty physical person, so you tried not to think too much about it.

"No..." Edward scoffed, before shyly adding, "most of them, saved the others for later."

You laughed fondly as you squirmed in his embrace, Edward only loosening his hold enough for you to turn and face him. "Roach is going to kill you," you warned, breath hitching slightly.

You shouldn't have turned around, Edward's chest pressed against yours now rather than your back. He felt even closer this way and you had to find a place to put your hands, you settled for resting them against his arms.

"We're wanted folks now, want a taste?" Edward wiggled his eyebrows playfully.

"Fuck it, you're taking the blame, right?" you gave in, though it really didn't take much to convince you.

"'course, you have my word," he vowed and then his mouth was on yours.

The little sound of surprise you made was silenced by the sudden kiss, you should have known better than to assume he was actually going to give you one of the sweets. At least things were beginning to go back to some sense of normalcy. The day trips and gifts were confusing, at least this made sense.

Coming to your senses, you melted right into the kiss. You could still taste the lingering sweetness on his lips, on his tongue. Edward's kisses were always all consuming, nearly possessive, as he surrounded you in every way he could.

The bottom of your back bumped into the counter as Edward pressed further against you. Your arms slipped around his neck and you buried your hands in his soft hair, as he hauled you up and sat you down on the counter, stepped between your legs. Always staying close, always keeping his body pressed against yours.

"Fuck, I love that man but Stede's taking things too slow," Edward groaned when you hooked a leg around his waist.

"It's sweet if he thinks I still need seducing," you mused, cursing the wave of fondness you felt for the blond.

"We're not seducing you. We're courting you," Edward corrected, dipping his head down to kiss along your neck.

"A fancy word for seducing," you huffed. At least that was the truth in your experience.

Edward seemed to pick up on how much you actually believed that, pressing a light kiss to your jaw before pulling away enough to meet your gaze. "Nah, no, I don't think so," he shook his head, frowning slightly. "I think we all have to talk," he stroked up and down your side.

"Is everything alright?" you asked, a little thrown by the serious look on his face.

"Yeah, just come for a drink after supper tonight?" Edward asked.

"Yeah, sure," you agreed, smiling a little when he pressed a quick kiss to your lips before helping you down from the counter.

-

After supper, though you didn't eat much because of your growing nerves about whatever Edward thought you had to talk about, you went to the captains' cabin. You knocked and Stede ushered you inside, telling you that you never had to knock, that you were always welcome.

The four of you sat at the dining table. Stede had originally wanted to sit in front of the fireplace as that would be more comfortable but that would likely mean that some of you would be sitting beside each other on the settee while others were sitting alone on the armchairs. That just didn't feel right to him, that rather defeated the point of expressing that everyone was equal in this relationship. This way, you were all sitting separately but close, and able to see each other.

There was a platter of small sandwiches and cakes in the centre of the table, and Stede had poured each of you a cup a tea, the way you each liked it. He then sat back in his seat, giving you a nervous smile before sipping from his teacup.

"Alright, so...you wanted to talk about something?" you asked, glancing between the three men when nobody started a conversation.

"Yes, well, Edward rather sprung this on us. I mean we planned on doing it, of course, but not tonight in particular," Stede began. You imagined he was the type to rehearse a speech, and you could just imagine him flittering about attempting to prepare after Edward told him that you were coming by for a talk.

"If you want to end things, you know you can just say it, right?" you could sense the tension in the three men, all of which seemed nervous in their own ways. You just wanted to ease their nerves a little, make it easier for them and for yourself.

"What? No!" Edward looked at you with wide eyes, having nearly choked on his tea. Izzy just tensed, the grip on his cup tightening.

"I mean, yes, we know we could just say it if that's how we felt, but that isn't what we want," Stede assured you, trying to steer you away from that assumption as quickly as possible. "We would very much like you here," he reiterated, just in case you still misunderstood what he was trying to say.

"Alright. So, what is it?" you asked. They might not be asking you to leave but something seemed wrong.

"You want to be here, right?" Izzy suddenly questioned you. If your mind was going straight to ending whatever it was you thought the four of you were doing, did you want to put an end to it?

Stede faltered for a moment as he placed his teacup down. He felt like he was losing control over things, seeing that Izzy's insecurities were starting to rear their head. He was worried you were going to leave now. One problem at a time.

"Yeah. Wouldn't be here if I didn't, don't worry about that," you assured him that you weren't being pressured into anything with a small smile.

"Well, that is good to hear. Do you mind if I ask in what capacity you want to be here?" Stede asked.

"Oh, well...I mean, I guess that's on the three of you. It's your relationship and all," you shrugged, taking a gulp of tea to try to force down the lump raising in your chest.

All three of them felt their hearts ache at your words. It was your relationship too! They had clearly let you down, hadn't expressed that well enough, they would have to change that.

"Stede," Izzy sighed, a quiet plea. He remembered being in your position and if they had asked him that, he would have probably had a panic attack. He definitely would have lied.

"Maybe we should tell them...what we want?" Edward suggested, looking to Stede to see if he agreed. The three of them really had gotten better at communicating but they didn't think they would ever have to have this conversation again, not until you came along.

"Ah, yes, of course, Love," Stede agreed before looking at you again, "I think there might have been some miscommunication on our part, about your place in the relationship."

You tensed, growing a little defensive, ready to protect yourself. Izzy recognised the emotions on your face instantly but he had faith that you weren't a coward like him, that you wouldn't run off before they could explain everything like he had done.

"We just kind of thought you...knew," Edward confessed, though it made nothing clearer for you.

"Knew what?" you frowned, still feeling completely lost. Maybe even more so than before.

"That we wanted to be with you," Stede stated, "that we wanted you to be with us."

"Yeah, I picked up on that," you laughed a little, looking nothing but confused.

"Ah, see, this is the miscommunication I mentioned," Stede sighed, looking sympathetic and a little guilty. "We don't want a casual relationship with you, nor do we want you to feel as if we are bringing you into our relationship as...an extra part," he explained.

"Alright..." you nodded thoughtfully before asking, "then what do you want?"

"We should have made it clear in the first place and we're sorry for that. We want you to be a part of our relationship, it would be your relationship. Ours. The four of us," Stede clarified.

"We fucking love you, mate," Edward blurted out, but he sounded completely sincere. Looking at you with those big, expressive eyes.

"Maybe a bit strong, Ed," Izzy mumbled, watching your face for your reaction. You looked like you were putting puzzle pieces together.

"But it's the truth and that's the whole point of this conversation. We fucking love you and we want to be with you, properly. Want all that soft shit with you too," Edward continued, reaching out to take hold of your hand. You didn't pull your hand away but you didn't hold his back either.

"Soft shit?" you asked quietly.

"Yeah, like...having meals together, getting ready together in the morning, listening to Stede read," Edward listed, and those activities did sound nice to you. "Do you read?" he suddenly asked, realising he didn't know the answer.

"Yeah, I can read," you nodded dumbly.

"They've been helping me keep the logs, Ed," Izzy reminded him. It had been one of those jobs they had asked you to assist with as an excuse to spend time with you.

"Oh, shit, sorry, I don't really pay attention to that stuff anymore," Edward confessed, feeling a little bad. He should have known if you could read or not. "You can read with Stede, or clean your weapons with Iz, or come for an afternoon nap with me. All that kinda stuff. Y'know, relationship things," he continued.

Yeah, that 'soft shit' sounded really nice...

"We want you to feel like you belong with the three of us, because we already feel that way about you," Stede smiled as you tore your gaze away from Edward to look at him, "I suppose, what this all comes down to is that we would like to make it official. The four of us."

You looked between the three men, the feeling of fondness and adoration in your heart swelling. It was almost impossible to believe that they all cared for you, wanted you like that, might even love you. Edward wouldn't lie about that, after all.

"I can't," your voice cracked as you pulled your hand out of Edward's gentle grasp, nearly sobbing at the wounded sound he made.

"Why not?" Stede asked carefully, his heart breaking at the rejection but searching for an explanation. He couldn't help but think that the three of them were going to be messes for a little while...

"This isn't something I can have, not like the three of you," you shook you head, staring down at your lap. "I don't...I don't get to keep nice things," your voice came out much quieter than you had expected.

"Darling..." Stede wanted nothing more than to round the table and hold you, to comfort you, to tell you that you deserved all the nice things you wanted.

"Every nice thing I've ever had has been taken from me. Everyone I've ever loved is gone. I can't do this because...because I can't lose it again, it'd break me, okay?" you were pleading with them through glassy eyes, pleading with them to not break your heart. "The universe has made it pretty fucking clear, I don't deserve good things," you hadn't even noticed that your cheek were turning wet or that your breathing had become unsteady.

Your mind was reeling, every negative outcome coming to mind. Everything just felt like a little too much right now. Too heavy, too hard, too loud.

Surprising all four of you, it was Izzy that moved. He could sense your need to run away, he had felt that way once too, sometimes he still did.

Before you knew it, Izzy was on his knees in front of you, carefully taking your hands in his. "You gotta breath with me, yeah?" it was only when he spoke that you realised how difficult it had become to catch your breath.

The two captains brought their chairs around to sit on either side of you, but leaving enough space so that you didn't feel crowded. You focused on Izzy's breathing, syncing yours up to his.

Slowly, you got your breathing under control, Izzy's hold on your hands helping to ground you. Eventually you were breathing normally again and your mind felt a little clearer.

"Stede's fucking insane, he does this thing were he makes you feel all cherished and cared for. I know how you feel, I've never had nice things before, told myself I didn't need it. These two, they make you believe that you deserve love and kindness. And you must, if Ed and Stede care about you, you must deserve it because they certainly do," Izzy spoke, keeping his voice even. On either side of you, Edward and Stede gave him affectionate looks. "Fuck, they even managed to convince me," you laughed a little at that, the three of them thought that was a good sign.

"How did they convince you?" you asked.

"Just...did it. Treated me the way I needed to be treated, not the way I thought I deserved," Izzy honestly couldn't put it into words, it had been such a dizzying experience in the beginning. "Still don't believe it all the time, sometimes I still get scared that I'm going to lose it all and it will be like I never had it in the first place, but they always bring me back from that edge," he confessed.

"Hey," Edward scooted his chair closer, placing a hand on Izzy's shoulder and his other on your knee. "Plus, we're fucking pirates, yeah? We take what we want whether we think we deserve it or not."

"All you have to do is take it, we'll work on making sure you know how worthy you are of it," Stede promised, standing and placing a hand against your shoulder.

"It's a lot," you breathed out but lent into each of their touches.

"We'll go at whatever pace your comfortable with," Stede assured you.

You nodded slowly, thinking over it. A relationship with the three men you had fallen so hard for, it was too good to be true. And yet, here you sat between the three of them, their affections for you appearing to be very much real. In that moment you realised you were already into deep, whether you walked out of this cabin now or in a months time or in however many years, the hurt would be the same.

"Will one of you fucking kiss me or something?" you muttered, a smile playing on your lips.

Edward lunged forward, cupping your face in his hands and capturing your lips in a kiss. "Will you stay tonight?" he asked, barely pulling away at all.

"Just sleeping of course," Stede added quickly. "We want to do this right, this time," he squeezed your shoulder.

Letting Edward pull back, you looked between the three men, remembering the nights that you would pry yourself out of their embraces and leave their cabin. All because you had told yourself that you didn't deserve to be held by them. But the way they were all looking at you now...it was hard to keep thinking that way.

"Yeah...yeah, I'll stay," you agreed.

Stede smiled, leaning down and rewarding you with a sweet, lingering kiss.

When he released you, you pulled your hands out of Izzy's so that you could take his face in your hands. "Thank you," you whispered, leaning down to kiss him, smiling when he pushed himself up on his knees to meet you halfway.

You knew that Izzy wasn't good with words, so you appreciated how he had opened up to help bring you back to them, to bring you back from that self destructive part of yourself.

As promised, you stayed the night.

Stede had offered you something more comfortable to sleep in and the four of you had sat in front of the fire. Your head in Izzy's lap and Edward leaning against Stede's shoulder to follow along with the words as he read to the three of you. His voice steady and soothing.

You slept in the bed with them, all three of them somehow managing to touch you in some way, holding you close, making you feel safe and secure between them. That night you slept better than you had in a long time.

In the morning the four of you ate breakfast together before getting dressed and starting your days, feeling a lightness in your steps that you hadn't felt for a long time.

It had only been a few hours and you knew you were right. If you were to lose this, it would break you.

[welcometojackass2022]

M (the boy) and I got dinner again yesterday and it was LOVELY so here’s an update now that it seems he may actually have feelings for me and is just incredibly scared because he’s never had a relationship before and might be scared of ruining our friendship:

Okay so first off, he doesn’t wanna risk making me go somewhere I don’t like so even when I tell him to pick he’ll still say three or four places and make me pick the one we actually go to. This time I picked a restaurant on our campus and we went there around 7:30! There was a big crowd and he was all nervous so we ordered online, got a table, I grabbed our food for both of us and then when we were filling our drinks and getting ketchup he clung to me like a kid clinging to his mom LMAO. He looked so lost when I went back to our table before he’d grabbed his ketchup. Anyway we sat at the table and talked until 10ish and it was a VERY good time. The energy felt different than usual, like we were closer and more intimate than before and neither of us felt the need to tone ourselves down. One thing about him that really came out yesterday is how unbelievably protective and worried he can get. I mentioned I have a tendency to get dizzy easily and have been exhausted a lot lately and he got concerned and googled anemia symptoms. Turns out I have all but 2 of the main symptoms. At that point he basically BEGGED me to start taking iron supplements and when I made a joke about not wanting to spend money he very sincerely said he’d happily pay for them himself if they’d make me feel better. (I ended up getting them today and he was happy I did!) he was also concerned cuz I’ve lost a lot of weight recently, and because I threw up Saturday morning from nausea due to not eating much the previous days.

He also gets worried for me in emotional ways. I was talking about an ex-friend of mine who’s a guy. M already dislikes this guy cuz he knows he treated me pretty bad and yesterday he really went in on him, saying nothing would ever make him like that guy in the slightest because of how disgusted he is about how he treated me and said how much of a piece of shit that guy is for trying to project a certain image onto me and for lovebombing me and then getting pissed when I just wanted to be friends. It was nice to hear. M’s the only guy who’s never objectified me or made me uncomfortable or insulted me/was mean to me as a “joke”. We discussed childhood hospital visits, us wanting to potentially go on a trip together some time, and how we both want to marry someone who has goals in life and actually wants to do something meaningful. He also complimented my writing skills cuz he knows I want to pursue writing as a career.

Interestingly enough, yesterday was also the first time I’ve ever heard him make dirty jokes! I had mentioned that me and one of my friends love dirty jokes, and after I said that he made a few. One about getting his cherry popped (not literally, he’s more of a Virgin than I am and that’s saying something), one about people who like to be choked, and at one point he said “pussy” which shocked me cuz he won’t even say boobs, he says breasts. It was hilarious, and it was nice to see him be less serious with me than he is with most. I also mentioned that I “test” men to see if they have bad tempers or not, and he asked if I’d ever tested him and sincerely wanted to know if he’d ever done anything to make me worried he had a temper. I told him no, he’s never done anything to worry me (he hasn’t), and he seemed relieved. He also said he’s never been annoyed or frustrated with me, so that’s good. He has a strangely protective vibe, like he wants to take care of me and keep me safe. I like it.

Anyway, after we left the restaurant around 10pm, we walked back towards my building. He knows I love looking at posters around campus, so he purposefully took me on a path with plenty of posters and stopped to look at them with me. Any time I’d stop to look at bugs or pick up a piece of trash, he’d immediately notice I wasn’t walking with him, turn to look for me, and then patiently watch me do whatever I was doing. Then he’d gently ask “all ready?” And I’d nod and walk back over to him and we’d keep walking. Usually we talk in front of his building, but mine was closer, so we stopped and talked there. We had a really funny conversation about tarot cards and zodiac signs where he made a couple of subtle jokes about tarot cards predicting that the two of us would be together or that he had appeared in my dreams (he actually has). We looked at bugs again and talked about whether we want to have our own rooms as married adults or not. At 10:40 he reminded me that I’d mentioned earlier that I had a paper I still needed to turn in by 11:59 (I’d totally forgotten), and then reminded me to take my medicine when I went back to my room. We hugged (super nice hug, I had on a tank top so there was a lot of skin to skin contact and I think the poor guy was a little hard. Plus I could feel his cheek pressed against my shoulder. Also this was in public so people could see us hugging for ten seconds straight lol), said goodnight, and that was that. Very sweet night. Felt good.

[moonnen]

Hello! I just wanted to ask both as a huge Secunda fan and as a lesbian with a big old crush on her was there a specific reason you didn't want to make her romanciable?

I'm not asking because I'm angry or judging you I very much treasure the friendships with her and other characters like Lucien, I'm more asking because I'm curious if you see her as aromantic or asexual or if it was just a preference.

I didn’t mean for this to be this long but buckle up

It’s for a couple of reasons.

First it’s a personal thing. I don’t feel super comfortable voicing dialogue like that as of right now. Maybe it’s something that comes with confidence as you do voice acting more and more. This is my first voice acting project after all. A romantic relationship with the player is something I would want it to be deep and kind of cheesy if I were to make her a romance option. It would also, despite her technically being bi, would be VERY sapphic coded as I am someone who has a preference for women! AND WE KNOW HOW MEN ON THE NEXUS ARE!!!

Another reason being in her canon she ‘technically’ has a romance interest back home that I have some plans for. Will these plans come to fruition? WHO KNOWS! She doesn’t speak about them currently but she will. I’m just not sure where her story will go as it is not done being written. She may also have some future flirty content going on with another follower. Although I think that will be more lowkey and less deep.

I feel less strange writing a love story that is rarely seen on screen rather then having to write a love story that you currently play and are personally experiencing. (do I sound fucking insane?)

All in all it’s a little complicated and IF a romance were to ever be a thing it’s a while away. Just like her big personal quest. Her friendship comes first before anything romantic.

Also maybe because nexus men scare the shit out of me and I don’t want to be another voice that gets objectified by men.

ANYWAYS.

I’m glad you love Secunda so much, that means the world to me truly! Thank you so much for your support!❣️

[silverantagain]

Hey guys, I don't know if any of you following me were reading my fic "Under My Hands, In My Sheets", but I'll unfortunately be abandoning it a second time.

I originally wrote it with the intent to vent out my feelings on pregnancy and such themes in reference to myself, using the reader character as kind of a way to get catharsis from it. But rather unfortunately, I've seen a lot of people start hating on m/m fics featuring a trans man.

I'm not a fetishist. I'm a trans man myself. I wanted to write a story I could see myself in. But I'm tired of being scared that people are going to misgender me in an effort to insult me (a lot of those comments accuse women of "fetishizing trans men"). I'm scared that I'll be accused of being a disgusting fetishist.

Likewise, I don't think I'll write a story in which the reader has any predetermined gender in the future. I'm tired. I can't write male readers, because people go "we can always tell" and accuse you of being a fujoshi. I can't write female readers, because people accuse you of objectifying women. I can't write trans readers, because it's considered fetishizing them even though I am a trans person. So I guess all I have left is gender neutral readers.

It's tiring y'all. If you keep squashing every attempt someone makes because you chose to assume neutrality for malice, they stop attempting.

[tonberry-yoda]

Hi Berry it been a minute since i last sent you something. I been really busy lately haha. How are you? Is everything going well? I have a small secret to tell you hehe

recently I kinda... have a small crush on a coworker... he's super smart and charming and really fun to talk to... i let him know i'm interested in him and he told me he's not interested in me but i'm hopeless so i'll just keep bathing in this unrequited crush and listen to love songs 🥲 and it's one of those night where i'm deep in my feeling and... god... i just... i just want to be in love so badly...

i've been in love before and got hurt badly from it, and I'm perfectly okay with being single, love it even. But still, I want to be in love... the mundane type of love, the soft type of love, then laundry and taxes type of love, the looking at the stars type of love, the shy hand holding type of love, the quiet type of love, the "hearing it in the silent of the night" type of love, the "i'm here" type of love... i want it 😭 I played it off to everyone around me and be all nonchalant about romance and this crush I have on this guy like "oh it's just for fun, nothing serious" but 😭i'm not falling... i'm sinking at this point lol. I'm a hopeless romantic that's scared of showing that i'm a hopeless romantic 🥲 i gues all of this rambling is to say... i want to be in love with this person, but i know I shouldn't because it's unrequited, and I'm also scared. But 😭

Idk who to tell cuz my friends all will shake their heads and disapprove so here's my lil secret to the internet 🤪

Have you ever fallen in love? What type of love do you want? Tell me about your vision of love

-🍓

strawberry anon, please tell me you're a writer

this is beautiful

i appreciate that secret being told to me and I understand how you feel

edit: hey, this is tonberry after writing this. underneath is a long ass ESSAY about this subject! you can keep reading under the cut if youre interested. this is what tonberry's writing sounds like outside of fanfic lol

as for me (we're about to get some real writing from Tonberry and not the fanfic kind lol) I have never been in love. I've always been the second choice. I've always been the girl who "dresses like that, so it's not my fault I think of you this way." Over the years, I have been objectified.

But I am not desperate.

Yes, I am a hopeless romantic who writes fanfic and romance novels. I read books and watch media that makes me sigh and go, "I wish that were me." I want more than anything to go bowling with him, to watch the stars with him, but most importantly to laugh with him, and cuddle him when he needs it.

I need someone who loves me as much as I love him. I have so much love in this heart of mine that I am willing to share, but I need it to be the right one. I can't settle for a man who asks to see me naked right off the bat. I can't settle for a man who claims he has an "internet addiction" and asks me to fix it. I know my worth and I am thankful to have a mother who taught me that very young.

I want the kind of love that's domestic. One of my absolute dream men is Peter B. Parker from Spiderverse because when I write fanfic for him, it's at home and it's comfortable. I want that kind of man. I need the Simon Petrikov to my Betty Grof. I want someone who laughs at my jokes. I want someone to love me the silly way that I am. I want someone smart.

I like this guy that I met through my brother. He is sweet, funny, and unbelievably smart. I met him just weeks ago. We went out for lunch together.

Am I delusional to think that we might start dating? Or am I being oblivious when I think nothing is going to come out of this?

I have never dated before. I knew my worth in high school and above all, I know who I am and what I want in uni.

So, strawberry anon, I know exactly how you feel. Loving as a woman is something else. We fall in love so hard. I mean have you read romance novels or enemies to lovers stuff written by women?!?! We are creatures of love and self worth. When we fall in love, we want what's out of the movies, and I think that's okay to expect.

I think what you're feeling for this boy is great, but if he doesn't give it back, there might be someone out there willing to love you the way you want to be loved.

You are allowed to settle for things you like.

And you sound like you're doing great with your self worth! You know you like being single, as do I. But let's be fr, when the snow starts to fall, nothing is better than to imagine someone we like cuddling us while we sleep. <3

Sorry for the long rant, but this is the type of poetry and shit I write lmao. For any other hopeless romantic out there, me too, girl, me too. Write fanfic, it's cozy <3

[lonelycelsadpilled]

Being a woman online means people will objectify you. Even if you don’t want them to.

I changed my profile picture to my face on Reddit for some reason. I think the relatability is nice, and also I might ask for help on my appearance eventually, so I guess that warms me up to the idea (though I’ve noticed they’ll probably just tell me to lose weight like they do with everybody else, and lose the piercings.)

Multiple message requests all because I’m a girl, and going through the post history, they’re on r/pregnantporn or something similar. You know what sucks? The fact that they’ve absolutely found me from a comment or post talking about my low self esteem or how lonely I am. I mean, there’s nothing else I have talked about on that account. I’m tired of these men who just want to talk to lonely girls and they don’t give a fuck about their issues at all, they just see her as a body. A woman before she is a person. It’s not fair.

It doesn’t matter how undesirable you truly think you are. If you are a woman, you will be seen as desirable. A man will think you’re ugly, but still wish to use you and dispose of you. They don’t care.

I’ve asked for genuine advice about my possible asexuality. I’m unsure if I’m just an introverted virgin and an asexual label is a crutch. I’m too scared to have sex, I’m too insecure. The idea of being wanted sexually scares me. People slip into my DMs under the guise that they’re being helpful, but they really just want to get off to the idea of me masturbating.

I hate them.

But I just like talking to people for a little bit too.

[criesinauthor]

hey so here’s noel’s dream from chapter four of i can make him worse!!! i was going to insert it but I’m a slut for mischa pov so here’s the snippet of what was to be.

“What am I going to with you?”

A hand brushed across Noel’s face, tender and featherlight. His eyes drifted open, slowly. Above him is a man bathed in light.

“Poor thing.” The thumb grazed his lips.

He opened his eyes. The face is familiar, he knows it as well as one could know a face.

“Mischa…”

He weakly extended one arm up towards him. Mischa took his hand like it was made of glass.

“Monique,” he trailed kisses down her bare arm. “My darling girl, you’ve come back.”

Noel was still slightly confused, but decided to go with it.

“Mhm. I sure did.”

“Promise me, this instant you’ll never walk the streets of Paris again.”

Oh, it’s that kind of dream.

He swooned and was immediately taken up into Mischa’s arms.

He turned away and dramatically whispered. “We both know I can’t do that. I belong to no man.”

“Monique, mon cher, let me take care of you. Please, my wild-hearted angel.”

He kisses her neck with desperation. Noel’s only reaction is a bored, satisfied smile.

“If you try to keep me, I’ll step out. I have as many loves as there lights reflecting in the Seine. They all want me as madly as you. Why should you make me choose?”

His kisses slowed, but only stopped when forced himself off of her.

“My darling girl, these men may love you, but what comfort can they offer? What devotion? Who among them would see you passed out in the gutter, dying, and still take you to his bed?”

Mischa held his face to her breast.

“Please, ma belle, stay with me and I will give you my whole life.”

Noel feels tears fall on his dress, which is a devastatingly gorgeous beaded black silk number. If it were real vintage and not dream vintage, he’d probably slap him across the face for staining it. But now, he feels only tenderness. Rare for these kinds of fantasies.

He takes the man’s gorgeous, chiseled face in his hands and kisses him chastely.

“Your life means nothing to me.”

He kisses her back. Pointedly less chaste.

“Yours means everything.”

Noel’s own discomfort wakes him up.

His head is pounding like nothing else and his stomach is probably digesting itself, but he isn’t tired anymore. The ache in his bones is more accurately attributed to being curled up in a ball for the better part of an hour, not his hang over.

He gets up, shakes the last of his sleep from his body and the last of that dream from his head. How gauche. How embarrassing. He finally makes a friend and that’s what his brain wants to do with him, objectify him? Reduce him to a desperate suitor? Someone with nothing better to do than dote on him? What was his problem that being normal was just-

Oh.

Mischa was in his kitchen, sitting at his table. The air was warm and smelled like salt, spinach, potatoes, and bouillon.

Maybe it wasn’t all his subconscious after all.

“Shit, you scared me.” Noel said, blinking a few times to confirm this was not a trick of the eye. “Are you making food or something?”

Mischa nodded. “No one is waiting up for me, so…”

“Of course. I just… I didn’t think you’d actually stay, I thought I dreamt that part.”

Mischa walked over to him and smiled in his face.

“You were dreaming about me?”

He was much too close for comfort, but Noel still managed to lie, unfazed despite everything in his head screaming at him.

“No, no. Please. I thought I had shacked up with an insanely gorgeous houseboy played by a young Michael Pitt. You had nothing to do with it.”

“Aw,” he reached for an apron hung by a hook on the wall. “I’m not pretty enough for your dreams? That really hurts me, Noel.”

“You are, you’re just such a heel all the time. I’d rather not deal with it in my sleep.”

[thebestofoneshots]

Hi! U need to add Poland to the country list, im sorry luvie. Ur spreading like a Plague Inc. virus, im sorry hahahah also im the guy that some time ago send u an annon about GC some time ago, You have asked me some questions which im sorry for not responding to ig life got busy(i did do a mountain bike marathon tho very epic). Anyway,

1. You are not fucking anything up luv, it's not coming of fetishy or objectifingly. Ur doing allright

2. When it comes to portraying falling for someone, there is no inherent difference between falling in it as a men or a woman. But I am just a guy and never been a woman so idk. Everyone is diffrent too, and I think you write them all very emotionally charged. Full of nuance and depth qnd all those feelings that just might burst.

(I might be a few chapters behind but I really like the emotionally repressed and self destructive Remus as in it makes sense. It makes a lot of sense for a guy I think. Irl he would most probably be the typa fella that starts going to the gym or gets into 1200cc piss missile motorcycles. Maybe even drink a bit too much, but "strong" enough to get over himself and use that toxic masculinity to go back to "normal")

However, after thinking about it and like whilst keeping in mind what I said earlier - I do have a gf. Looking at me and my Sunshine, whilst strongly generalizing - I think it took me longer to fall for her. Like acually fall for her, not just like her and think she is one of the most beautiful woman on earth. But now as a guy, idk I just think about her a lot, I'm more on the logical side then her. Also way more reserved idk uhh I have some sa experience so it might be just me but after chatting a bit with some people yeah guys usually more reserved waiting for the sign or something. Idk it's ig hard to describe normality bcs it's just normal to me lol

3. When it comes to specific scenes uhhh pooki what can I tell you xD they have great chemistry, with Rem hoping back and fourth. It makes sense that a lot of them are sexually charged since they cannot connect romantically (at least as far as I've read). If you have more specific ones that would be easier to say xD

A mountain bike marathon? OMG that sounds AMAZING! You guys are all mindblowing ૮꒰ ˶• o •˶꒱ა

Thank god I'm not coming off as objectifying, I swear I was terrified, I feel like there is a very thin line, especially for BL and I wanted to portray it right and do it justice, especially since I know a lot of fanfiction can be complicated, and I have read plenty of people (specifically queer men) complaining about the way their relationships are typecasted and portrayed in said media.

I definitely focus heavily on their feelings, but that's kind of the reason I decided to write GC in the first place, I wanted to explore the complications of a throuple hehe.

It makes so much sense that guys would be more reserved I think, but I think especially in queer situations, both for men and women would be, since you might not be sure if the other person is actually queer too, idk if that makes sense?

Regarding specific scenes, I remember I was super nervous when I wrote the library scene with Sirius and Remus in Chapter 26, since it was Sirius' first time to feel something for Rem, and panic over it, I was so scared it wasn't doing it right. And also in chapter 31, when Sirius sees Minho and Tom kiss and has another gay panic revelation moment. I mean, I'm not sure when I figured I was pansexual but I think if I had seen two girls kiss in a closet and I didn't know about it, it would have definitely done something to me if that makes sense.

Sending a bunch of love all the way to Poland, thanks for answering all my questions, darling ☆૮꒰•༝ •。꒱ა

Read Gilded Constellations

[tomyo]

While I was working on my therapy comics, I remembered that as a teenager I kept expecting to unlock some repressed memories of molestation from how men, specifically I as a child and them as an adult made me feel. It was this distinct instance around seven or so when I came home to my dad talking to one of his friends who stopped by, they were sitting in the back of the garage while I was at the threshold of it and terrified when they beckoned me over. I was acutely aware even then that grown women did not make me feel this way and even though this friend was a kind guy regularly in my life, being around him was still distressing. And like, the fact that child me knew men scared me and in denial that I was severely mentally unwell teenage me could identify it was uncanny makes adult me all queasy. It’s where I hate to admit that a small part of me knows I am ‘functionally a lesbian’ or something of the like because of this guttural feeling that I struggle to process properly. The weirdest part is I know I am also attracted to cis men albeit usually much more rarely (emotionally attracted but rarely aesthetically??) but often it seems like it comes from not it being off the bat mutual. Like there is safety and ownership to me when I’m the one who defines the attraction. But I’m still troubled to not fully understand the source of it all. With time it made sense, the weird blooming in later adolescence brought on a whole bunch of unwanted attention and for a long while any form of romantic interest has been a frustrating ‘but why? What can you tell me you like about me that isn’t related to me physically?’ That goes unanswered properly. Objectified feels like my wholesale experience with the human race at points. But on the side of the shes and theys, it feels like they at least take somewhat more time to soak in the whole picture. Haha, admittedly now I’m just struggling to think of what it’s like to be treated beyond a commodity for others.