#i am so tired and i have these moments of incredible hopelessness

[thebeautifulfantastic]

.

[loganhowlettsmybf]

I need Hugh jackman x pregnant!reader. Just all gushy about her and so proud to be her husband

A quiet moment

hugh glanced over at you, at his wife. you were seated comfortably on the couch, cradling your growing belly with a soft smile on your face. your eyes closed as you absentmindedly rubbed the swell of your abdomen.

he moved quietly across the room, not wanting to disturb your peace, but you sensed his presence, your eyes fluttered open, and you looked at him with that same soft smile that made his heart skip a beat every time.

"hey, love," you murmured, your voice gentle.

"hey, yourself," he replied, leaning down to press a tender kiss to your forehead. "how are you feeling?"

"good," you said, your hand still resting on your belly. "just a little tired. the baby’s been pretty active today."

hugh smiled as he took a seat beside you, reaching out to place his hand over yours on your belly. he marveled at the way it felt—knowing that your child, a little life you had created together, was growing inside you. every kick, every movement, filled him with a joy he couldn't quite put into words.

"you’re incredible, you know that?" he said, his voice filled with awe.

you chuckled softly, a little blush coloring your cheeks. "i’m just pregnant, hugh."

he shook his head, brushing a strand of hair away from your face. "no, you’re carrying our child. you’re creating life. and you’re doing it so beautifully. i can’t even begin to tell you how proud i am of you."

your eyes shimmered with emotion as you looked at him. "you’re going to make me cry," you said with a soft laugh, though he could tell you were only half joking.

hugh leaned in, his lips brushing against yours. "i mean it, darling. every day, i wake up next to you and i’m just…overwhelmed with how lucky i am. you’re my everything. and now, you’re giving me the most precious gift i could ever ask for."

you leaned into his touch, your eyes closing as you absorbed his words. "i’m the lucky one," you whispered. "you’ve been so amazing, hugh. i couldn’t ask for a better partner, or a better father for our baby."

he felt his chest tighten with emotion at your words, and he wrapped his arms around you, holding you close. he wanted to protect you, to shield you from any discomfort or worry. but more than anything, he wanted you to know how deeply you were loved.

you sat in silence for a while, just holding each other, the soft hum of the city outside their window was the only sound in the room. it was moments like these that hugh cherished most—the quiet, tender moments where nothing else mattered but the two of you, and the life you were building together.

eventually, you shifted slightly in his arms, looking up at him with a playful smile. "do you ever get tired of staring at me?"

"never," he replied without hesitation. "i could look at you all day and still not get enough. especially now."

you laughed, the sound light and melodic, and he felt a surge of warmth spread through him. he loved making you laugh, loved seeing you happy. "you’re hopeless," you teased, but your tone was filled with affection.

"hopelessly in love with you," he corrected, leaning in to kiss you softly on the lips. it was a slow, lingering kiss, one that spoke of all the things he felt for you—the love, the devotion, the endless admiration.

when you pulled apart, you rested your forehead against his, your eyes closed as you breathed him in. "i can’t wait for our baby to get here," you whispered.

"me neither," he said, his hand still resting on your belly, feeling the gentle movements beneath his palm. "but for now, i’m just happy to have this time with you. just us."

you nodded, your eyes shining with tears again, but you didn’t try to hide them this time. "i love you so much, hugh."

"i love you too," he said, his voice thick with emotion. "more than you’ll ever know."

[wistfulforstars]

Your Medicine, My Medicine

Summary: You know how to deal with Tech’s periods of hyperfixation. He’s yet to deal with yours.

Warnings: Here there be fluff! However, my blog is not for minors - Begone! Some vague allusions to sex, teasing, reader is tired, Tech is a bad influence, the squad is hopeless, reader is afab

Part 1? This one got away from me - it was only supposed to be a quick oneshot. I haven't decided if I'm going to do a spicy follow-up.

“Oh yes, go babysit this special squad of elite clones, it’s going to be so fun!” you muttered angrily to yourself, pouring over a sea of half baked statements, equipment requests, and unpaid expenses. 

A headache began to form behind your eyes as you continued to grumble, “The tall one won’t blow you up, the one with the toothpick definitely doesn’t have an attitude problem, and their sergeant absolutely knows how to fill out a mission report!”

You picked up one of said mission reports, a mostly blank page that just said NAL HUTTA. INFILTRATION. COMPLETE. scribbled across the top in Hunter’s untidy scrawl. You tossed it to the ground and thunked your head on the table, taking a moment to lay there. You needed a drink. You wondered, not for the first time that evening, where Crosshair could possibly be keeping his stash of premium Corellian whiskey.

It had been about a year since you’d joined Clone Force 99 as their Communications Officer, and every end-of-month report analysis had gone pretty much the same way. No matter how many times you’d asked your squad to be more organized, to add more detail, to consult you on expenditures, none of your instructions ever seemed to stick. Usually your superiors let it slide. This was CF99, the Bad Batch. Nobody really expected these troopers to be great at paperwork. 

But the squad had an inspection coming up. The first since you’d joined them. And they’d wracked up twice the expenses they were budgeted for, with all receipts buried in a massive pile or half singed from blaster fire. You were about to have some serious answering to do, and the only explanation you’d come up with so far was sorry sir, excuse my Shyriiwook, but how the fuck am I supposed to control these dipshits?

You had a feeling that wasn’t going to cut it.

Briefly, your mind wandered to Tech. If there was anyone on the ship who could help you sort through this mess, to see the patterns in the chaos, it was your resident genius. But he was unfortunately indisposed.

You would be lying if you didn’t say that Tech, even from the very beginning, had always been your favorite. You had clicked on an intellectual level immediately, way back on your first mission when you’d corrected him about a tradition practiced on that particular planet. Instead of being offended or taken aback by your knowledge, Tech had swiftly asked you for points of reference that he could pour into after the mission. He’d then thanked you for your input, and began deferring to you on matters within the realm of your purview. You didn’t know if you’d ever felt such a quick, simple appreciation for your talents before. It was…invigorating.

Tech listened, really, truly listened when you spoke, and always seemed incredibly flattered when you tried to return the favor. Conversation flowed naturally, often well into the night. He was polite and kind, and you’d almost go so far as to say chivalrous in his way, especially lately. Sure, all the boys usually treated you with an added layer of courtesy. You suspected it was because they didn’t quite know what to do with a woman on board. Wrecker seized heavy things from your grasp almost on instinct. Echo was so respectful it was almost disquieting. Hunter had procured extra blankets for your bunk and always made sure you had plenty to eat. And Crosshair…well, he had offered you a toothpick on occasion, but you weren’t sure if that was an attempt at bonding or if there was just something in your teeth.

Tech though…he’d started standing or sitting up perfectly straight when you entered rooms. He scolded the others for being too loud while you were trying to sleep. He was constantly finding something of yours to “fix” and then give back to you. And just a few days ago, he’d begun this little habit of offering you his hand when leaving or returning to the Marauder. As if you needed help going out the door. You’d practically squeaked in surprise when he looked up at you with earnest brown eyes, daring you to take his offered hand. Crosshair had laughed, but Tech hadn’t cared. He’d just continued to gaze at you patiently, handsome face mostly hidden by goggles and helmet. The air charged with electricity, and when you finally took hold of his hand, you could feel his warmth seeping through his glove. It felt like something between you shifted in that moment, like an invisible string had been spun and tied. You had to admit it was nice to feel cared for. It was sweet. He was sweet.

Too bad he wasn’t here.

The only problem with your… friendship with Tech is that it was sometimes unreliable. He would have these periods where he’d “go dark” as you put it. He’d get his head into a new project or concept and tune out the world for days at a time. Not sleeping, barely eating, and totally fixed on whatever new task had caught his attention. When you inquired about his well being, he would answer in vague, single syllable sentences, or worse, not at all. Being ignored didn’t feel great, but you always knew he’d come out of it tired yet pleased, and ready to show you what he’d been working on. 

However, it would be really nice if this weren’t one of those times. He’d gone under about two days ago, and hadn’t shown any signs of emerging since. You wished he was here to look through this pile with you, tell you how he’d tackle a conundrum like this, or hell, even just keep you company. His ability to focus and problem solve was one of your favorite things about him. It was no wonder he could get so much done by tuning out the world for a few days…

Suddenly, it hit you. Your head flew off the table, and you gazed down hopefully at the sea of papers, a wild look in your eye. Nevermind that you hadn’t slept yet. Nevermind that you were a little dehydrated. Nevermind that Echo still had you on concussion watch after your last mission.

That’s it! you thought. All I have to do is take a page out of Tech’s book, and this will be done in no time!

You lunged for your neglected datapad and got to work.

***********

Tech made his official appearance back into the world around 36 standard hours later, and he was very pleased with himself. He’d developed a prototype for new soundplugs for Hunter, and he couldn’t wait to force them upon his Sergeant. But first, he couldn’t deny his irrepressible urge to show you. You had always appreciated his experiments, and he always appreciated your insights.

Not to mention, he felt you were both… ah… growing closer. Tech had been interested in trying to initiate a more intimate bond with you for a few months now. Only after sufficient research into being a desirable partner and numerous mental exercises for practice did he feel comfortable moving on to the most logical next step: trying to see if you were interested in him in return. His test of trying to hold your hand to help you down from the Marauder had been a definite success. You’d met his attempts with brief shyness, amused puzzlement, and eventually (if he read your body language correctly), anticipation. That was most encouraging indeed. He focused hard for the next few days on getting through the development of his latest prototype, not because it wasn’t a fascinating project, but because he wanted to create more free time for himself. Free time he could use to observe, interact with, and, well, woo you.

His hesitance wasn’t only due to the fact that your affections were hard to read - though you did keep things with the squad painstakingly friendly and professional. Tech was fully aware that he wasn’t the most dynamic or exciting romantic choice amongst his brothers. Echo had a patience about him that he couldn’t hope to emulate, Wrecker was practically built out of fun and carried affection in every bulging muscle, and Hunter and Crosshair had a quality that the holonet had simply called ‘the bad boy thing.’ 

You were bright, achingly beautiful, and more endearing than you had any right to be. It was Tech’s opinion that one person should not be so utterly enthralling - it was simply unfair to the rest of the population. Particularly the occupants of this ship, who all adored you. You could rightly have any one of them you wanted. But yet, surrounded by such obvious choices to warm your bed and your heart, you chose to spend your time at his work table, chatting about nothing and everything. That alone gave him hope. Hope that perhaps, if he paid attention to his research and did not stick his proverbial foot in his proverbial mouth, you would grow to return even a fraction of the affection he felt for you. He could hardly wait so see how you’d been faring the last couple days.

Except every single one of his brothers were currently blocking his way.

“What possible reason would you four have for loitering outside the door?” Tech’s voice came out sharper than he meant it to. 

But none of them even looked back in his direction.

Echo turned to Hunter with a grin, “You lose, sarge. Tech came out of it first.”

Tech frowned, “While I appreciate being completely ignored when I ask a question-”

“The princess has picked up your little habit,” Crosshair tossed back at him through a toothpick. 

“My…habit?”

Wrecker finally spared him a glance, “Shortstuff hasn’t said a word since day before yesterday.” He rubbed the back of his neck, “She didn’t even want to raid the rations with me. I’m gettin’ worried.”

“Wait,” Tech said, alarmed. “You mean she hasn’t eaten?”

“Made her a sandwich yesterday,” Hunter replied, and Tech parsed through the gruff syllables to hear the concern in his voice. “She nibbled at it and kept right on with her paperwork.”

“D’you think she’s mad at us?” Wrecker fretted. “She yelled at us before about receipts.”

“And Hunter’s reports,” Crosshair sneered.

Hunter became defensive in turn, “I’ve told her before, command doesn’t care about reports, they care about results.”

“And that’s clearly made it through her thick skull, good job-”

“Boys, we really need to make sure she drinks something-”

“Should I pick her up, or-”

“How well did that idea work with Tech? He got so scared he tased you-”

“Wasn’t so bad, and I don’t think she has a taser-”

“Maybe if Crosshair hadn’t bought that new attachment-”

“Maybe if Hunter would learn to write the fucking alphabet and not scribble whatever he usually-”

Tech had heard enough. Clearly, something was very wrong with you, and he had missed it carrying on with his own experiments. He tried very hard not to let that thought consume him. You needed assistance, and his brothers were being anything but helpful. 

Using the controls he’d built into his vambrace, Tech commanded the door they were all lurking inside of to whoosh shut, nearly colliding with Hunter’s nose and snapping the end of Crosshair’s toothpick. All four of his brothers turned to glare at him. He stood tall, not bothering to hunch.

“Tell me exactly what happened,” he commanded, and he barely recognized the assertive tone in his voice.

Hunter, though, looked at him with a knowing glint in his eye. Echo sobered up. Crosshair smirked, the expression slightly undercut by his frayed stub of a toothpick. Only Wrecker seemed vaguely surprised.

“She said she was gonna go do her reports,” he shrugged. “We got an inspection comin’ up or something. Next thing we know, she’s got her nose stuck in her datapad and she won’t snap out of it.”

“Won’t sleep,” Crosshair grunted. “Tried to give her tea to help. She poured it out.”

“She took my spare soundplugs,” Hunter added.

“And you can only get grunts or single word answers from her, if she answers at all. ” Echo nodded in Tech’s direction. “It’s exactly how you get when you’re trying to focus. Like she’s channeling your methods or something.”

Tech crossed his arm, “She must be very worried about how the inspection will reflect on her. Did anyone tell her that half the time the officer doesn’t even bother to show up? And when they do, we pass on successful mission count alone?”

His brothers glanced at each other, silent. He sighed, “Perhaps, since these are, as you say, ‘my methods’ I can get her to snap out of it.”

Hunter brightened almost immediately, and if Tech weren’t so worried about you - had you really not slept all this time? - he would be a little wary of the snide glance his sergeant sent the rest of the squad.

“You know, Tech, that’s a great idea,” Hunter clapped him on the back. “In fact, since this is a delicate matter that you know so much about, would you mind if we left it to you?”

“That’s right,” Echo added, now also sporting a winning smile. “You’re the best man for the job, Tech. We’ve tried everything, it hasn’t worked. And we were about to go out for supplies anyway.”

Crosshair even joined in, toothpick miraculously replaced, “The town’s some distance away, so we won’t be back till after nightfall. Might have to spend the night out there. You can help miss perfect sort herself out while we’re gone.”

Tech glared at his brothers. How subtle did they think they were being?

Kind Wrecker hesitated, “Will she be alright though? Tech?”

He adjusted his goggles, clicking his teeth together, “I will do everything I can for her Wrecker.”

Crosshair snorted behind him, and Tech whirled on his squad, already heading towards the door, “Laugh all you want, but you and your discourtesy caused this, all of you! That woman has been much more help to us than we’ve ever been to her, and if you come back without copious signed and annotated receipts for everything you buy, you will not be setting foot back on this ship! Do you copy, troopers?”

Crosshair laughed his way out the door, but Hunter nodded sincerely before departing. Echo sent a salute Tech’s way with his scomp, before dragging Wrecker, who looked like he might start crying, out of the ship.

The door shut, and Tech locked it from his vambrace for good measure. Silence.

Finally, he headed down through the doorway to get a glimpse at your exhausted frame, folded nearly in two over your makeshift workstation. You didn’t stir as he approached, but perhaps that was because of the soundplugs in your ears. 

Your eyes, frantically scanning a shoddy piece of paperwork, were red and sunken. You mumbled nonsense to yourself in a voice with a slight tremor, and Tech could have sworn you had lost weight since he saw you last.

His mind ran through different possible reasons you might have ended up like this, and then twice as many tactical and complicated scenarios in which he could try and get you to stop and get some rest. But he found he was becoming too concerned for any of those. The diminished light in your eyes, the lack of luster in your hair, it was all instilling in him a less-than-dignified response akin to panic. Tech was a survivor of countless dangerous encounters, but none of them set him on edge quite in this way. 

Deciding to throw caution to the wind, he reached out carefully and laid a hand on your shoulder. No response. He frowned. 

“Meshla,” he spoke quietly yet firmly. “I am going to remove your soundplugs.”

He reached both hands out and plucked them from your ears, but aside from a waved hand and a mumbled, “I told you to go away, Hunter,” you didn’t react. Your eyes remained glued to the form.

Alright, he’d try not to be too offended by that. He, after all, was sometimes slightly confused when he came out of a hyperfixated state, and he was too knowledgeable of himself to not see how hypocritical he was being.

He leaned forward, and his mouth nearly touched the back of your ear, “It’s not Hunter,” he breathed. “It’s Tech.”

You jumped, startled, and whirled around to face him, “Tech! Oh…hi, Tech! W-when did you get, um, get…?”

“Just a little while ago,” he answered. “And imagine my surprise when I come out only to find you working yourself to death.”

At this, a little fire crept into your dull eyes, “Throwing stones in a glass ship, Tech?”

“Don’t start that,” he warned. “I am genetically engineered for more stamina, to require less nourishment, and with the capacity to-”

“Don’t start that,” you barked. “I can gauge for myself how much stamina I have and how much nourishment I require. Poor little nat-born me has months of paperwork to sort through-”

“Paperwork that does not technically need to get done,” he said, and he saw the way you furiously zeroed in on his raised pointer finger. “We will pass inspection regardless.”

But you weren’t giving up, “This is my job, Tech! It might not be a state-of-the-art invention or a new fucking discovery, but it’s mine, and I don’t appreciate you trivializing my role on this ship!”

With that, you turned back around sharply, and started tapping on your datapad so hard that Tech thought he might have to replace the screen. He stood there for a moment, assessing. Clearly, this required a little more than your usual style of interaction. You were tired, and more prone to anger than he’d ever seen you. He’d been attempting to appeal to your own sense of self preservation, but you might be needing a more emotional approach.

Fine, if you wanted to play hardball, he’d play. He smoothly invaded your space, your hunched shoulders to his front, and leaned over, placing his hands on the desk at either side of your body.

“Wrecker is in near tears with worry,” he began, low in his voice. “And I guarantee you Hunter’s having trouble getting to sleep with you up and moving all night.”

Your head jerked a little, but you didn’t answer. Tech covered the hand tapping at your datapad with his own, curling his fingers around yours. His other hand took the pad away, set it down as far as the desk would allow, and went up to stroke your hair. He could feel the tension in your shoulders loosen ever so slightly. 

He’d never touched you with such familiarity before, never felt such palpable intimacy. His heart sang as you allowed him to gently caress your hair with feather light touches. 

“I don’t think you’ve ever snapped at me like that before,” he said gently. “But then again, you’re usually well rested and well fed.”

“Not funny,” you huffed. You tried to wriggle out of his hold, reaching for your datapad.

Tech felt a surge of protective frustration in his chest. He’d never seen you this stubborn. You were taking your well-being far too lightly and he was officially tired of it, “It was not meant to be funny,” his voice was a little sharper, a little rougher. 

He seized the back of your chair, and pulled it out and around. Then he kneeled before your slumped form, and took both your hands in his own, “I can see now, that you do not understand how seeing you exhausted and neglected affects me. Allow me to correct that.”

“Tech-”

“I care for you,” he declared, words spilling from him recklessly. He had to get you to understand. “Acutely. Intensely. In a way that is often beyond my control. And I will do everything in my power, employ every skill at my disposal to avoid seeing you come to harm. Even if the one doing that harm is you.”

You blinked rapidly, surprise flooding your glazed eyes, “I-”

But he would not hear your excuses, your dismissals of his concern, “This is bad for your health, bad for my mental state, and ultimately, bad for the squad. I implore you to sleep, to-”

“Please listen-”

“No, mesh’la, there is no excuse-”

“I like you too!” you shouted, a shaking hand touching his lips to stop him from talking. 

Tech froze. Oh stars…he’d told you, hadn’t he? Kneeling on the dirty floor, both of you exhausted, in the middle of a disagreement. 

So much for his carefully curated plans to romance you.

You let out a slightly manic giggle, probably at the slack-jawed look of idiocy on his face. Your hand moved to cup his cheek, “Any ploy to win an argument, huh?”

Tech quickly laid his hand over yours, alarm rising in his chest “I assure you, cyar’ika, this was anything but a ploy. I did not intend-”

“I was teasing, Tech,” you laughed again. “Believe it or not, I’ve been thinking something was up for a couple weeks now.”

He cleared his throat, sheepish, “Ah, yes, well…I was trying to ascertain if you were remotely interested in pursuing an amendment to our current relationship.”

“You know, you could have just asked.”

He felt his cheeks heat up, “I was trying to present myself in the best possible light.”

“Oh, honey,” you smiled. “You do that every day. Though I won’t lie, helping me down from the ship was very cute.”

He sighed, relieved, “That is excellent news. The field of romantic attachments is completely foreign to me. I’ve been conducting research for weeks.”

“Oh? What kind of research?” your eyebrows rose.

“Standard romantic practices for humans,” he began listing off. “Romantic gestures in different cultures, sexual acts and techniques, common date ideas-”

“Wait, wait, wait,” the grin on your face grew wide with mischief. “What acts and techniques?”

“Sexual,” he affirmed with a wave of his hand. “And a lot of my research into romantic-”

You laid your fingers against his lips again, “Oh no, mister, you don’t get to just brush over that one. You looked into the best techniques for getting me into bed? Before you even told me you were interested? Overplanning much?”

“Actually,” he mumbled beneath your hand. “It wasn’t about getting you into bed, rather more about what to do with you once you were there.”

You giggled, rolling your eyes, “No matter how smart they are, pretty boys are all the same. Tech, that’s something we figure out together. Something we talk about and learn about as we go.”

Tech felt something very warm and light settle into his chest, “I understand what you’re saying,” he took your hand away from his mouth by the wrist, before examining it closely, reverently. He placed a brief kiss to your knuckles, and nodded to himself when he heard your little gasp. “But a woman like you, spectacular and brilliant as you are...you deserve the best in every regard. I have no experience to draw upon, so I decided to supplement that with knowledge. Carefully stored and memorized, of course”

He gazed up at your face, some of his nervousness from the past few weeks bubbling to the surface again. There was always a possibility that you wouldn’t be interested in a partner with no experience in the bedroom. But your eyes were shining, and that gave him hope.

“Tech,” you shook your head. “Did it ever occur to you that I might want to be the one giving you a memorable, enjoyable first time?”

He inhaled sharply, his heart hammering in his ears, “I will admit, it did not.”

You hummed, leaned forward, and reached for his face, drawing him up to your own, “Is this alright?” Your breath fanned over his lips, his chin. 

Tech found himself nodding, a little too frantically, and the next moment your lips were on his, and oh, this was very different from reading about kissing. His heart rate spiked, his hands twitched of their own accord, yearning to grab hold of you, and he was suddenly all too aware of his own body. His goggles fogged up. His cock tightened in his bodysuit. 

Then you grasped the nape of his neck and moaned into his mouth, and that was all it took to break his hesitancy. He grasped at your hips, and, utilizing a strength he didn’t usually have need for, he stood up with you in his arms. You wrapped your gorgeous legs around his waist and ground against his zipper. He gasped, and you took advantage, tongue darting inside, teeth nipping at his bottom lip. 

Tech sampled your mouth in turn, rubbing your hips with his thumbs, before slowing and gently pulling away. He stared at you, breathing hard. Your pupils were dilated with want, your lips swollen, and your fingers played with the little hairs at the back of his neck. You were completely and utterly perfect…

And you hadn’t slept in two days. 

You leaned in to kiss him again, but Tech rested his forehead against yours, still catching his breath, “This is not going any farther tonight, darling.”

He wished he had his recorder on. The pout you gave him was positively adorable, “Why?”

“Because you are tired beyond your limits, and I would be horribly remiss to have you exhaust yourself further by trying to perform for me in any way.” Not usually one for making himself feel strong or manly, Tech found he did like the weight of you in his arms, of your hands clinging to him. Depending on him. 

“And,” he interrupted before you tried to argue. “Even though you thwarted my long and meticulous plan to confess my feelings, I still reserve the right to woo you.”

You snorted a little, “Woo me?”

“Yes, mesh’la. I would like to spend some time with you in a romantic capacity before we run away with our urges.” He began walking you both back towards the bunks. 

“B-but! The boys are gone!”

“Which means we will not have to put up with Wrecker’s snoring,” he said simply. He plopped you into his bunk, but hesitated before he took off his first piece of armor, “I can take you back to your bed, if you prefer.”

But you just grinned and shook your head, “Don’t you dare. If I don’t get to break my three year dry spell, I better get to cuddle.”

He raised a brow, logging that bit of information away, but began stripping his armor and tossing it on the floor. He crawled into bed and felt his face warm at how you immediately attached yourself to his side, “I would like to take you out tomorrow.”

You yawned, the stress of everything finally catching up, “Yeah? Where would you like to go?”

“Anywhere,” he stroked your arm. “On a walk, to a nearby town if there is one. Maybe just to see the sunset.”

You hummed contentedly, “That sounds nice,” and you leaned up to kiss his cheek.

Tech, well he’d be lying if he didn’t admit to it…he melted, “How does a woman like you have a three year dry spell?”

You chuckled, “Break it for me and I’ll tell you all about the short string of losers, cheaters, and one particularly scary bounty hunter that had me swearing off men.”

“Hmm… I find myself more and more grateful that I decided to research this topic.”

He frowned, still unenthused by the idea of laying back and letting you do all the work. He would much rather be the one performing, excelling at pleasing you. Plans began to form in his head, of romance, seduction. He didn’t read through hundreds of articles for nothing, and he was determined that you would be pleased. 

“Tech,” you insisted, but your eyes were closed and your words were slurred. “I’m serious, we’re gonna… make your first time about you, whenever it happens. We’ll do whatever you want to do.”

He decided to try something small before bed. Just a taste of what he had in store for you. One article he’d read mentioned the best ways of initiating interest, and one of them was… talking to one’s partner. In a very particular way,  “But… what if what I want mesh’la… is to have you under me, limp, pliable, hoarse from screaming my name?”

You shivered at the deep voice he’d employed, and Tech waited, amused, as you struggled find words. This was more fun than he'd expected. He leaned in again, lips grazing your ear, "No more skipping meals. No more going without sleep."

"Tech-"

"Promise me," oh he delighted in the wicked, taut energy between you. He wanted to stoke it higher, hotter. "Promise me, and maybe tomorrow we can discuss all the ways you want to make my first time memorable."

Your breath hitched, and you let out a sweet little squeak, but you kept ahold of yourself enough to give a bit back to him, "Only if you promise too. That you'll start sleeping properly. I'll sleep next to you every night if you just come to bed."

Tech sucked in air through his teeth, heart pounding against his rib cage, "I will...try, mesh'la."

He kissed your ear, satisfied when he felt you quake again, "Then get some rest, darling. We're both going to need it."

"Thank you. So will I."

[sannirio]

Safe and Sound

part. 2 part. 3

wc: 2530

dom san x amab sub reader (good boy/prince)

18+ MINORS DNI 「im serious」

cw - non!idol au, werewolf san, size kink, swearing praise, mentions of death, slight dumbification? use of puppy.

syn: you got lost in the wood, very lost. just as you were about to give up a tall creature picks you up and brings you to safety.

it was dark. too dark. the trees surrounding you felt like they were suffocating you. the dense forest was claustrophobic especially with only the moon being your source of light. it was midnight, cold and dark. this weekend was supposed to be a fun camping trip with your friends, long weekends don’t happen often. “where is that damn path” you said gritting your teeth in the cold. you enjoyed hikes, this time however was not one of those times. you were lost, incredibly lost with no trace of civilization for what seemed like kilometers. no service not even a bar. “this is hopeless” you thought as a shiver ran down your back. the cold was getting to you now, camping in autumn is a great idea. 

you’ve been walking for what feels like hours and still no sign of the path or even a glimpse of light in the distance. “FUCK” you yelled “WHERE AM I.” speaking out loud for comfort you said “i have to keep moving or i’ll freeze.” that was true, what looked like frost was starting to paint the ground. though you couldn’t see it your breath was creating beautiful clouds of fog right in front of you. it was so damn cold, “i’m going to die” you thought. you started to cry, the tears stinging your skin as they cooled down with the air.  “i’m going to die” you whispered again, falling to the ground in defeat. you fingers were freezing and your body was tired, so incredibly tired. it felt like your body was going give up. the jacket you were wearing hadn’t done much to help to keep you warm with your state deteriorating quickly. as you lay there a bush rustled to your right. then again, this time a twig snapped. with what little strength you had left you opened your frozen eyes, standing in front of you was a tall creature, covered in fur huge sharp claws big paws and dark red eyes. before you could do anything to escape (which was unlikely considering the state you’re currently in) you passed out from the cold. 

a warm glow was dancing across your face. waking up felt impossible, were you dead? dreaming perhaps? as you opened your eyelids the sting of smoke hit them immediately forcing you to close them again before you could properly take in your surroundings. so you were alive, just where were you. a moment ago you were lying in the ground ready to die, the next in a new place with a source of warmth near you. you opened your eyes again, the smoke no longer burning your eyes. was this a cave? the walls beside you were made of rock, so was the ceiling. even your sleeping area was. “where the hell am i?” your mind was racing, then you remembered that creature you saw right before you passed out. was this where it lived maybe? 

sitting up, a little too quickly you scanned the room you were in. it was quite large, the ceilings were a lot taller than you had previously thought. there was indeed a fire burning quite close to you surrounded by uniform looking rocks with jagged edges on some spots. your gaze moved upwards slowly to see..

you let out a gasp, over on the other side of the cave standing there was a tall muscular man. all you could see was his black hair and muscular arms, until he turned around in what seemed to be a reaction to your gasp. he was just as buff facing you as he was with his back to you, his eyes were piercing yet soft somehow, his lips looked soft his skin was sun kissed and smooth. this wasn’t the creature who you saw in the forest a while ago… who was this. 

“you’re awake” he said smirking, taking a big stride in your direction, he didn’t have a shirt on, pants though they were present. “w…who are you” you breathed backing against the wall of the cave. “i won’t hurt you, i won’t hurt you” the man whispered a tone of worry in his voice. “i found you last night passed out in the cold.” “what? no, some random dog looking thing stood over me last night.”

the man laughed, “that was me hun.” you sat there dumbfounded, more confused though to be honest. “forget about it for right now” he said softly “are you feeling all right?” the way he spoke was comforting, he seemed genuinely concerned for you’re well-being, the look on his face pretty much confirmed it. “i think so” you said shivering. the man looked worried when you did that, he walked over to you in maybe two or three steps, “his strides were so long” you thought. sitting down beside you he turned to face you, the worried expression still plastering his face. 

“You’re cold” he whispered, with that he wrapped a spare blanket he had beside him around you. You looked up at him, he was so tall, even sitting down he towered over you. “Here, come sit on my lap” the man said. You did as he asked, not only to get warmer but something about him was comforting… he made you feel safe. Still looking up at him you managed to get a few words out, “who are you?” “im san” the man replied smiling, “like i said earlier, i was the one who found you on the ground.” a look of confusion crosses your face again, ‘how” you asked a little annoyed “you’re a human not a big dog creature.” san laughed, “no sweetheart, im a werewolf.” “hes a what??” you thought “thats not possible, those dont exist, they’re just a myth.” as if he had read you mind he said “yes they’re really real.” “is that why you live in a cave.” you asked sitting up a bit straighter to look at him in his eyes or as close as you could to do so. He laughed again and cupped the side of your face in his hand, “yes it is sweetheart.” “oh…” quickly changing the subject he pulled you back down into his chest. ‘Why were you out in the forest so late little one?” “i got lost” you said, now remembering what happened the previous night. “Why did you save me?” san looked at you again, he looked sad but there was a hint of softness in his eyes. “Because you were dying, i couldnt leave you there.” you sat there in silence for a minute or two, then you spoke up “why?” still looking down at you san opened his mouth then closed it again, probably thinking about what he wanted to say. after a moment he spoke softley, “because you were to precious to leave out there, from the day you stepped foot in this forest i kept an eye on you and when you got hurt i had to do something.”

“hes been watching me” you thought, usually youd be creeped out by something like this but for some reason right now you werent. “Im sorry” he whispered looking away from you, he seemed more upest with himself for having done so than for telling you what he did. You sat there for second before speaking “it’s ok.” he turned his head to face, he looked surprised at your response. “but i watched you without you knowing.” “i know, but something in me tells me too trust you.” san looked even more surprised than before, but only for a second, just as quickly as he’d reacted surprised his expression changed to relife. “Thank god, i was worried you would be scared.” he pulled you into a hug, his body was warm and soft, it felt like he could completely wrap around you like a blanket, it was comforting, safe. “Why did you watch me though” you heard yourself say, again san hesitated than said “i wanted to protect you.” this phrase cemented your feeling of safety, he was almost like a guardian angel, but a werewolf. “you’re so small and fragile, everything about you, i felt the need to protect you.” san spoke under his breath. a weird feeling filled your abdomen, butterflies maybe? You felt your cheeks flush, your ears were warming up. embarrassed you pulled the blanket up to your nose, trying to cover your quickly redning face. “Are you hungry” san asked. he placed you on the ground and proceeded too stand up. You’d forgotten just how tall he was. “yes” “ok i’ll make you some food.” 

The sun was setting now, the warm orange the sun painted the walls of the cave with was quickly disappearing. The small fire and a few candles scattered around the cave were the only sources of consistent light. You had a bowl of soup in your hands, the wooden bowl it was in was warm, keeping the cold from nipping at your fingers. san sat opposite of you across the fire, watching you eat. He sat there intently, his head tilted slightly. “Is the soup ok?” you nodded, your mouth too full to speak. “Good, im glad.” he got up and walked over to you. sitting down beside you, he crossed his legs and put his weight on his hand which were stretched out behind him. this pose was kind of cocky but not in a bad way, it was kind of hot you thought. You finished your soup and put the bowl down. “how are you not cold?” san smiled, being a werewolf has its perks.” you smiled back. “Its getting late,” he said standing up and looking out the cave entrance. by now the sun was all but gone, not a single ray of light was visible. “We should sleep,” san said walking over to a raised part of the cave, the spot where you had woken up on. “You can sleep here like last night.” “where will you sleep?” “on the ground.” “but it's hard and cold.” “i know but ill manage.” reluctantly you crawled onto the “bed’ made of moss and cedar, pulling the two blankets you had over your body as you did so. 

the minutes passed. 15, 30, an hour. you couldn't tell, sleeping at this point was completely out of the question. It was too cold and your thoughts were racing. what are my friends thinking? are they worried? do they think im dead? yeah, you definitely weren't sleeping tonight. you rolled over to see san fast asleep on the ground close to the dwindling fire. he looked so cute… and warm. “i can't wake him up,” you thought “that isn't fair to him.” but the cold, and your mind, you couldn't sleep. With a lot of hesitation, you stood up and walked over to san as quietly as you could. kneeling down you gave him a poke on the shoulder, he groaned and rolled onto his side. you poked him again, this time getting the reaction you wanted. “what is it sweetheart?” he uttered rubbing his eyes. “i can't sleep… can you maybe…” “do you want me to come to sleep with you?” he asked. you nodded your head sheepishly. san stood up taking your hand. the two of you made your way back to the “bed” with what little light the smoldering ashes were giving off. 

“lay down,” he said. you did as you were told. san then lay down right next to you. you subconsciously snuggled into his chest, facing him. you felt his arms wrap around your waist, the sensation made you gasp a little. you were tiny compared to him, he was like a shield protecting you from the cold. looking down san whispered “awwww? did you like it when i wrapped my arms around your waist?” he wasn't hiding the amusement in his voice. embarrassing. as quietly as you could you whimpered “yes” into his chest hoping he didn't hear you. he did, he pulled you closer to his body and tightened his grip on your waist. what was happening? oh my god! the racing thoughts from earlier were completely replaced with lust now. was him grabbing your waist really that intoxicating? “what’s wrong?” san whispered, very close to your ear. his breath brushed your skin making you tense up. “is someone… enjoying themselves?” “FUCK, am i hard? this is so embarrassing” somehow you hadn't notice yourself getting hard the entire time he was beside you. you pulled your lower-half away from his thigh trying, no praying he hadn't noticed. you were wrong once again. one of his large hands reached down to your butt and pushed your hips back to where they were before. he 100% noticed. His hand slowly started to grope you, the sensation sending shivers up your spine. “how adorable, look at how cute my good boy is being.” you melted, completely. good boy? He was driving you crazy. san whispered again “do you need help with that?” you nodded. your face was hot, red hot. You'd never felt like this before, so vulnerable and open to him yet so safe. “be a good boy and grind against my thigh for me, ok?” he cooed. you did as he asked, slowly moving your hips, pushing your hard dick into his thigh. “good boy” he muttered, planting a kiss on the top of your head. you kept grinding against his thigh. it felt so good, you'd never felt this good in your life. your dick was starting to leak covering both his thigh and your pants in precum. every time you pushed against him, a wave of electricity surged through your little body. You started shaking, not from the cold though, the feeling that was spreading out from your dick to the rest of your body was overwhelming. “keep going my little prince” san whispered in your ear, he was clearly enjoying seeing you fall apart beside him. seeing you like this made him feel amazing. he was making you like this, a pathetic needy mess doing your best to get off on his thigh. you kept your pace against his thigh it getting harder to hold it in with every stroke you made. whimpers that you tried to conceal were now escaping your lips. “puppy” san whispered, he said it like you were a cute little animal. one last stroke and you were sent over the edge, cum spilling out of your cock like a river. never in your life have you come this much. san held you close through your high, giving you praise the whole time. you were a sticky dizzy mess, cum soaked and numb. all you could do was lay there shaking, still not completely over the overstimulation. san sat up, and took your cum soaked pants off, “here wear this” he spoke softly, like an angel. he helped you put on a pair of oversized pants. he then laid down beside you pulling you on top of him. “You did so good puppy,” san said petting your head. he planted a kiss on your forehead, continuing to brush your hair with his hand until you fell asleep. 

[ part 2. coming soon :) ]

sannirio©

[lady-october]

Pairing : Oli Sykes x Female Assistant Genre : Romance, Smut (18+ Only) Previous Chapters : 1-8 on Archive of Our Own

Story Content : 18+, Smut, Drama, Choking, Power dynamics, Romance, Dom/Sub, Sadism/Masochism, Mentions of addiction & self harm, Degradation, Praise kink, Exhibitionism, Breath play, Dirty talk.

Summary :

“Don’t you see what a dangerous game you’re playing? Why did you have to look so fucking delicious tonight, I couldn’t stop undressing you in my mind, thinking of all the twisted things I want to do to you.” She had only worked on the touring team for three weeks, but her mind had been hijacked by dirty thoughts of a man she barely even talked to. Sure, he was very attractive, but were there other reasons she was so uncontrollably drawn to him? This is a filthy story of pain, self discovery, and love.

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Chapter 9: Can you help the hopeless?

Chapter title is lyrics from "Can You Feel My Heart”

We're back to Oli's perspective for this one.

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She shouldn’t trust me.

I don’t even trust myself.

We were all in the taxi driving back to the hotel. I made sure she sat next to me, but all she’d done the past 20 minutes was stare out the window. 

Will she spend the night with me, or did she get everything she wanted from me already?

The street lights filtered through the car, highlighting how tired everyone was as they passed over them. Matt was asleep on the other side of me, and kept slumping onto my shoulder, which would have been fine if he wasn’t a drooler. I saw his mouth fall open again – my queue to push him off of me before my shoulder got wet.

I wanted her to spend the night with me and not run away this time; as if that somehow would prove she wasn’t using me. 

Would that really be enough? 

I wanted to say yes, but I wasn’t sure at this point. In fact I don’t know what it would take.

The lights kept hitting her eyes. She looked drunk, but happy. Satisfied even.

Satisfied because of me – the twisted things I did to her?

But I was torn. That gnawing, itchy spot deep inside me – that craved her as much as she seemed to crave me – no longer needed to be scratched. Which was an absolutely incredible feeling, not really comparable to anything else.

Yet I also felt filthy. Like I had betrayed some integral part of me. 

This isn’t how I wanted this to play out.

The problem is, the things I want from her I have no right to expect. I wish we weren’t on tour. I want to get to know her, help her get to know herself. Show her all the different sides of me; I wanted her to not run away in fear when she sees how fucking messed up I am.

The pain I felt when she ran away the first time – leaving me in the arena storage closet – flickered in my chest. Mingling with her words from last night, that had been playing on loop in my mind all day; ‘I’m terrified of having something worth losing.’ 

I had never related to a sentiment more, yet the way we handled this fear was completely polar opposite; and I honestly didn’t know whose approach was worse.

Am I being delusional? Would this ever work? Is this all we’ll ever be? 

…When the tour ends, do I just never see her again?

Tonight was the last night at this hotel, then it was back to the tour bus with no privacy except a few fleeting moments. If only she didn’t want to keep things private, at least that way it would make sense for us to want alone time. But I knew that wasn’t what she wanted.

Every time the street lights washed over her face my heart would tug.

Is it just a crush? Do I just need to wait it out?

I don’t like who I became tonight because of her. The type of person who talks to someone he can’t stand for hours, just to make their crush jealous. What fucking twat does that?

Oh yeah – me, apparently.

But I don’t know how to stop. The more I try to play it cool, the fucking crazier I seem to get. The more I try to not think about her, the more I do. It’s exhausting. 

Is it even a crush, or an obsession? 

I don’t know how to tell them apart at this point.

I hate how my feelings always have to be so large. Life would be so much easier if I could feel things in normal amounts, like normal people do. Others can kill spiders just fine without drowning in guilt. Meanwhile this world has too many sharp edges for someone like me, as if I’m a completely different breed of human that doesn’t seem to fit anywhere without going fucking mad. 

Without turning to drugs.

I feel like a loser. Imposter syndrome no matter how successful the band has gotten.

Her hands were in her lap. If I was just a bit more drunk, I’d take one of them into mine right now, pull her closer to me. 

But I knew better than that. I had pushed my luck so far tonight I wasn’t sure there was any coming back.

Am I just self sabotaging?

When we went back downstairs to join the others at the party, she had spent the rest of our time there desperately hiding the marks I left on her. Making sure her hair was covering them, or she’d keep her hand there. Somehow that hurt me, as if I didn’t already know she wanted to keep things private. Just like it hurt me when she didn’t react sooner to me chatting with that bird. 

Or when I woke up this morning, and the space next to me was cold and vacant.

I watched her drink more and more as the hours went on, her speech getting more slurred, her eyes looking further into the distance. I couldn’t tell if she was drinking to have fun, or to run away from everything I was putting her through. She was sitting with Mat and Lee, all three of them in hysterics over something I hadn’t quite overheard, when Liam had tapped on my shoulder.

“Can we have a quick chat?”

I looked at him suspiciously, “Sure, mate.” 

We got off the sofa and he led me outside to sit on a bench looking out over the city view, “This seems quite serious, should I be nervous?” I said with a laugh.

He was drunk but clearly not as drunk as I thought, cause he appeared dead sober when he turned towards me to ask, “You like Alice, yeah?”

I inhaled deeply. We hadn’t talked about Alice since the night I asked about her weeks ago. And while I knew he was aware we hooked up, I guess he must have known more than I realised. A large part of me was happy he knew, and was happy I could talk to someone about it. So I answered honestly, “Yeah.”

“Then what the fuck was all that about with Sasha?”

He must have been referring to the bird I’d been chatting with for hours when we got here, “Was that her name?”

He laughed, “Right. Of course you didn’t even know her name.” He leaned deeper into the seat, “What happened to being kind to Alice? You know she’s going through shit.” He sounded worried, maybe even a bit upset.

I scratched my head, knowing how badly I fucked up tonight, “It seems I do really stupid shit when I’m scared.”

He must have had some type of understanding, cause he didn’t say anything for a long while as we just stared out at the view.

“You wanna know why I’m always in tank tops?” He asked out of nowhere.

I frowned, “Yeah, actually I really do. Nothing wrong with it mate, but when it’s fucking freezing out it makes me wonder. Especially since we’ve given you mountains worth of tour merch and you just cut off every sleeve in sight.”

“Alright, no need to make me feel weird about it.” He said with a frown.

“Shit sorry. I mean, yes please – enlighten me.” I said, gesturing with my hand to proceed.

A smile slowly bloomed on his face, “I’m a real skinny guy. I never liked to lift weights, always had a problem putting on weight. The amount of hook-ups I’ve had where the guys were in deep disgust when they saw these noodles.” He waved his arms about to highlight how bony they are. “I hated myself. Started wearing anything that covered me up. I stopped dating, just accepted my loneliness.” He looked down, “Quite sad really…” 

I opened my mouth to console him, but he continued before I got a chance, “But then my mate got injured, and as part of his rehab he needed to go swimming. Despite how much I hated being topless I wanted to be a good friend and support him. The swim instructor was an absolute god of a man, deep blue, ocean eyes.” His expression turned dreamy as he described the man, “After the third session he came up to me, told me I was the most beautiful man he had ever seen, took me out that night and he’s been my boyfriend since. He doesn’t stop gushing over my hair and my build. He told me he always wished more skinny men would show off their arms.”

“That’s beautiful, I love that.” I said sincerely.

His smile got bigger, “Since then I’ve worn all my ‘flaws’ on my metaphorical sleeves, and while many people don’t like me – or disagree with how blunt I am,” He gave me a knowing look, “I’ve gotten so much closer to some people, and gained myself some absolutely fantastic friends… And of course a job I couldn’t be happier with.” He said, nudging my arm.

I laughed, “Glad we don’t drive you mad.”

After another silent beat, he asked, “You scared she won’t like something about you?”

I knew that’s where he was going with his story. Liam had seen me through some of my worst times after the breakup. While we hadn’t talked about it, I know it was pretty obvious how fucked up I’ve been the past year.

“I showed her a glimpse of it a couple days ago, and she ran off.” I answered solemnly. Vague but true.

He studied my face, “Didn’t you guys just hook up?”

I smiled at him. “That obvious, huh? Who else knows?”

“To be honest with you Oli, I’m not sure the other lads would notice if you made out in front of them at this rate. They’re fucking clueless when it comes to most things.” We both laughed at that, before he continued, “But I just guessed, considering how fast you ran after Alice when she stormed off – and the state of you both when you came back.” He finished with a grin.

I sucked my teeth for a second, wanting to tell him more, not knowing what would be too much information. “I’m not sure what our hookups mean to Alice. I have a bad feeling it’s not the same as me.”

He nodded, “I don’t know, maybe it’s not meant to be. But there’s only one way to find out, really.”

His point was valid, but I was terrified. Knowing my odds were low – probably even lower after the kind of shit I pulled tonight. Yet looking at her now, staring out the window, it seemed worth the risk. 

The way she makes me feel…

It’s not like with my ex; her intensity matched my own, both of us desperate for something larger than life – an all consuming love neither of us was scared of, and embraced with open hearts and minds. I was gonna marry her, spend the rest of my life with her, I knew that early on. 

Then she tore me apart and left me in a state I’m not sure I’ll ever fully recover from.

But it’s very different with Alice.

She’s not open. Sure, I can see the intensity simmer under the surface, but I don’t think it’s the same flavour as my own. And I can’t tell if that’s my perfect counterpart – my ying to my yang. Or if I’m water and she’s oil, and we’re doomed to never mix.

It doesn’t help that she lied tonight.

I knew I pushed her too far, I knew I shouldn’t have choked her that long. I just want her to see that she’s playing with fire, yet she refuses to admit it. For some daft reason it just makes me want to push her further.

When we pulled up to the hotel I quickly nudged Matt awake so he’d get out first.

“Not the bloody penguins!” He yelled as he jerked awake violently. 

All of us broke out in laughter, even the driver, “Fucking hell mate, you’re alright. You’re at the hotel, not Antarctica.” I said, amused.

Matt wiped at his mouth, “Thank fuck for that. Remind me to never invest in igloos.”

I shook my head, “Well shit, guess our next business venture’s off then.”

When Matt got out of the car I turned my attention back to Alice. I wasn’t expecting her to be smiling lazily at me, clearly drunk. I couldn’t tell if she was just amused from Matt’s dream, or if she was silently reaching out to me, letting me know she wants to spend tonight with me.

I was waiting to see if she was getting out on her side of the taxi, or staying behind to let the others get a head start. But she didn’t move. She just kept smiling at me, and I felt hope build in my chest.

When everyone else had evacuated, I slipped out of the car, offering her a helping hand. I’m happy I did as she more than likely would have fallen face first onto the pavement if I hadn’t been there to catch her.

She was a lot more intoxicated than I had originally thought. Sadness crept back into my heart at the realisation, knowing she wouldn’t be able to make a conscious decision on whether to stay with me tonight or not; knowing her choice might not carry too much weight.

I watched the others disappear into the hotel as I braced her against my arm to slowly lead her towards the entrance. She welcomed my help, leaning into me, warming something inside me.

“You alright, love?” I asked gently, testing to see how slurred her speech would come in response.

“Yeah, just really tired now.” She said, sounding perfectly sober.

I frowned, confused, not sure what to make of her state.

I watched through the clear glass of the hotel doors as the elevator door closed with everyone behind them. I smiled, knowing we’d get a moment of privacy to slip into the same room if we wanted to. But instead of walking through the entrance, I side stepped and leaned her up against the brickwork next to the door. She smiled up at me, glassy eyes meeting mine.

“Wait, why aren’t we going inside?” She asked.

I felt the nerves hit me as I responded with my own question, “Well, what room are we going to?”

“I don’t know.” She said, sounding more distant now. She placed her hands on my chest and began trailing upwards, sending a shiver up my spine. Was she not done with me afterall?

“Do you want more, love?” I asked, letting my hands slip around her waist, stepping closer to her.

“No, I’m exhausted.” She said, sounding more inebriated again. 

My confusion doubled. I didn’t have any more answers than before all my questions, so I decided to gently continue my prodding, “So what do you want to do?”

She searched my face wordlessly, her features turning sadder by the moment, causing my heart to sink.

This was it – this is the moment she’ll turn me down for good. Either out of fear of where this could lead, or she’d gotten everything she needed from me, and I simply wasn’t worth the trouble anymore after tonight.

I couldn’t blame her.

Rejection hit me like a ton of bricks before she even got a chance to say a single word.

Mine and Liam’s conversation was running through my head. Do I push through the fear and lay my heart out to her? This might be my only chance. Not knowing how drunk she was meant a couple of things; her reaction could mean very little, as she may feel very differently tomorrow. Or she simply wouldn’t remember any of it.

But I was drowning, and I could fight it with everything I had – hoping the waves would take mercy on me. Or just relax into it and sink to the bottom.

I decided to go out kicking and screaming.

Then my mouth opened to speak, knowing that it might be the worst mistake I’ll ever make. 

Somewhere in the back of my mind I found myself hoping she wouldn’t remember any of this, but the words had already begun escaping my mouth.

“You wanna know why I almost relapsed the first night we had sex?”

Shock flickered in her eyes, before she clumsily – drunkenly – nodded.

Okay, here we go.

My gaze fell to the ground and I took a deep, shaky breath, placing a hand on the brick next to her head to steady myself, before letting my eyes meet hers again. “I don’t think this world is made for people like me. I feel too much, too fast. And there’s no room for that anywhere, is there?” I could feel my heart racing as I let myself stare at her for a moment, trying to memorise her features – knowing this could be the last time I was this close to her.

My other hand seemed to have a mind of its own, as I found myself caressing her cheek. She leaned into it and warmth spread inside me, despite knowing it might just be the alcohol causing her to react like that.

“I think some part of me knew I was in trouble the first time I saw you.” I sounded so distant, making me question whether I’d spoken the words out loud or simply thought them.

I took another ragged breath as I let myself become more vulnerable, “I’m terrified of you. I’m terrified of how much I think about you. How much I feel for you.”

She was just staring at me, bewilderment on her face, making it impossible to tell what she was thinking, or feeling. But I knew exactly what I was feeling…

“I think I’m falling for you, Alice.”

It was as if I’d jumped off of a cliff as the words came out of my mouth.

Her mouth fell open, and I was expecting her to run off again any moment now, so I placed a hand on her arm before I continued. I wanted – no, I needed –  her to hear everything I had to say before she slipped away from me one last time, “And I know, I have a weird way of showing that with all my nonsense tonight.” One more deep breath before jumping off yet another cliff, “I wanted to get high that night to stay away from you, to save myself from whatever obsession I have with you, to save you from me – from stupid shit like tonight, when I know you’re in pain too. No one should have to put up with how fucking broken I am.” I laughed a bitter laugh, looking away, not ready to face what was in her eyes, “I’m intense, and I knew I’d smother you. So naturally, here I am, smothering you…” My words trailed off, sounding as defeated as I felt. Shaking my head, I let go of her arm, ready for her to make a run for it. Instead I felt her hands on my chest dig into my shirt. And when I dared to meet her eyes again there was so much emotion in them it was my turn to be shocked. I still couldn’t tell what she was feeling, and to prevent her from speaking one last time I blurted out the question I wanted answered most of all right now, “Anyway, you wanna come back to my room tonight?” Clumsy, forward question. But I had to know. 

My heart was pounding so fast I was getting light headed, as her mouth opened and shut a couple of times. I heard my nails dig into the bricks from how tense I was growing by each passing second.

“No,” The pause between her words were mere milliseconds, but it was enough to make me feel like my world was crashing down around me, before she quickly continued, “let’s go to my room. All my stuff is there.”

My whole body relaxed, and I couldn’t help but smile. I knew her response didn’t necessarily mean anything, but at least she hadn’t run away.

At least I would get to hold her as I slept again.

“Alright, your room it is.” I said and tucked her under my arm. She leaned into me, holding onto me eagerly as I led her inside.

We fought against the lock of her room for a while, but as soon as we got inside she instantly began ripping her clothes off. With every item she removed she nearly fell over, and the shoes she tore off hit the wall, missing the mounted TV by inches. I huffed out a laugh. It amazed me how she had similar grace – and luck – no matter if she was drunk or sober. 

When she was done she unceremoniously collapsed on the bed.

She was stunning naked. Her soft, ivory skin, only marked by me. So very different from my own skin, which was more marked than not.

I undressed and climbed in next to her, pulling her into my embrace. To my surprise, she didn’t just relax into it, but entangled us further, soothing every wound inside me.

I can’t remember the last time I slept as good as last night, with her in my arms; finally, rest without nightmares. With any luck tonight would be just as peaceful.

I felt her twitch, already fast asleep. Not surprising with how exhausted she was. I fought against my own sleep for as long as I could, wanting desperately to enjoy the moment, but I could feel myself slip away.

And before I knew it I was drifting…

The crimson river flows far and wide.

Her lifeless eyes stare down at me; I could fall into them, swim in them, drown in them.

She is starving.

She takes a bite; do I taste sweet enough?

Sharp teeth tearing into warm flesh.

She’s painted red; blood runs down her chin, down her breasts, down to where our bodies connect.

Once again her claws reach into me; my ribcage an open book for her to read.

She takes what she wants, what she needs – what she craves.

Meticulously picking me apart, leaving the unwanted behind.

Discarded, like peas on a child's dinner plate.

My remains are left to rot.

... Subscribe to the story on Ao3 for future updates

[dantakeyoman]

𝐓𝐈𝐓𝐀𝐍 | 𝐥. 𝐥𝐮𝐧𝐚𝐬

♡ 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐥𝐮𝐧𝐚𝐬 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦! 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

♡ * 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒔 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒎𝒂𝒌𝒆𝒔 𝒇𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒔 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒏𝒆𝒘 𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒆𝒏 𝒌𝒊𝒅𝒔 𝒂𝒕 𝒔𝒄𝒉𝒐𝒐𝒍? 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒊𝒏 𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒊𝒓 𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒏𝒕 𝒃𝒂𝒅 𝒃𝒐𝒚? 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒇𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒊𝒄 𝒅𝒆𝒎𝒆𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒓? 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒉𝒆 𝒇𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒉𝒍𝒚 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒎? *

♡ 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐬 𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞, 𝐢𝐧𝐧𝐮𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐬, 𝐥𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐬, 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐟𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐭𝐲, 𝐞𝐭𝐜.

♡ * 𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒕𝒊𝒇𝒚 - 𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒔𝒉𝒚 𝒚2𝒌 *

𝐎𝐍𝐄

"Mav! Maaav! C'mon, Mav, I'm tired!" You called, shoulders slumped as you walked around the forest, exhausted.

"I have some treats for you if you come back! It's getting late! Pleaseeee!"

You and your dog, Maverick, were home alone when all of a sudden his ears perked up.

He began to pace, sniffing all around before going to grab his leash and bringing it back to you with expectant eyes.

Thinking he just wanted to go on a walk, you complied, immediately regretting it after a comet whizzed by and he went chasing after it.

So now here you were, aimlessly walking through the woods, freezing, trying to look for your lost dog.

"Maverick, if you don't come back this instant you won't get walkies for a week! I mean it!" You tried again, sighing when you were once again met with silence.

'This is hopeless. It's getting really late and I can't stay out here by myself any longer. I might just have to go home and try searching tomorrow.'

Just then, you heard a loud whirring sound from behind the bushes not too far away.

It almost sounded like one of those laser guns from the sci-fi movies you used to watch as a kid.

'Huh?'

Warily, you ducked into the bush, poking out your head on the other side to see a man in an odd uniform and helmet aiming some sort of gun at the trees.

'Double huh?'

The more you looked, the more confused you got.

Behind him was what looked like a crashed ship, and some girl in a dress had stepped out of it.

"Princess!" The man exclaimed, ripping off his helmet and holding his breath as he ran over to her, placing it on her head instead.

Much to her protest.

He fell to his knees and let go of the breath in a flurry of coughs, realizing he could breathe.

'Random comet...mysterious man...crashed ship...princess? Could this be...?'

"Are you crazy? You could've died," the man scolded, standing up and glaring at the princess.

"The robot scanned the atmosphere. I am fine," she scoffed, taking off his helmet.

Suddenly, a large, clear sphere hovered out of the ship wreck, and floated over to them, forming a body.

"My name is Octus. And, yes, the atmosphere is practically identical to our own planet," the robot agreed.

'ALIENS?!'

"Great. But still, the king made me responsible for your safety," the man glared, snatching his helmet back from the princess.

'This is too much to take in. There are aliens standing right in front of me, but they don't look like aliens. They look human.'

You narrowed your eyes, trying to study their faces despite the darkness.

And after your eyes moved from the princess, they landed on the guard-man.

'Whoa.'

Finally having a chance to get a good look at him, he was handsome. Incredibly so.

Broad chest, small waist, dark eyes. 

Heavenly.

Blushing, you looked away for a moment to get a hold of yourself.

'Weren't aliens supposed to be those little, green men?'

Trying to focus back on their conversation, you heard a few odd things.

Something about a planet called Galaluna, the guard-man being a corporal, and a rift gate. 

Suddenly, he shushed them, the sound of incoming helicopters overshadowing their conversation.

Just then, the blinding white of its spotlight shone down on the aliens, making you look away as well.

'I know when to leave a party. This just went from bad to worse. I'll have to come back for Maverick later!'

As the aliens were distracted, you stood up, spotting the incoming troops that were walking up the hill.

"SHIT!" You whisper-yelled, ducking again.

'Those aliens look just like us. If I get caught here those guys might take me to some black site or somethin'!'

"Get her out of here!" The guard-man ordered, the robot suddenly encasing the princess and rolling away, avoiding the gunfire.

Quickly, you got down on your stomach, turning around to army crawl yourself away from the situation.

"Military school, don't fail me now," you muttered.

Just then, a giant boom shook the ground, nearly sending you flying, and you turned around, eyes going wide, to see that the guard-man had turned into this gigantic robot and was now fighting off the army.

"No. Frickin'. Way," you gasped, utterly dumbfounded.

You could only sit there in shock, the idea of escape completely leaving your brain.

The robot-man made this gigantic sword out of nowhere, and began flinging it around before another, smaller and yellower, robot swooped in and stepped in front of one of the tanks he was about to destroy.

'Huh?'

"Lance, stop! They're not Mutraddi! They're humanoid!" The familiar voice of the princess exclaimed.

"Moo-traaty?" You wondered, testing out the word.

"This just keeps getting weirder and weirder."

"Arf! Arf!" Maverick yowled, coming out of nowhere and biting onto your hoodie sleeve, dragging you away.

He was a very strong German Shepard.

"Glad to see you could make it," you thanked sarcastically, him letting out a happy yelp as you stood up and began running away with the canine.

"Don't get it twisted, buddy. You are so dead when we get home."

𝙨 𝙮 𝙢 𝙗 𝙞 𝙤 𝙣 𝙞 𝙘

'Last night had to be a dream. There's no way all of that stuff actually happened. I must've fell asleep watching some space movie or somethin'.'

You turned up the music of your iPod, trying to drone out the squeals of the cheerleaders you passed.

It was the next day, and despite your weird encounter from the previous night, which you were avidly denying happened, time marched on, and you had school.

Quickly, you turned the combo to your locker and opened it, grabbing an energy drink and walking towards your classroom.

'Ugh. Too bad I slept like shit.'

Just like that, the bell rang, and you stepped into class

"Here we go," you sighed, taking your seat in the back corner and kicking up your feet, taking a long sip of your drink.

'Tuning out in 3...2...1...'

"Class, we have a new student joining us today. Lance Lunas," Mrs. Ackerman introduced, your eyes bugging out at the sight of the man before you.

'HOLY SHIT!'

It was the man from your dream last night. 

The guard.

You gasped, inhaling some of your drink and sending yourself into a coughing fit.

"Miss (l/n), is there a problem?" Mrs. Ackerman addressed, cocking a brow.

"Nope! Not one. Carry on," you quickly answered, regaining your composure.

"Thank you. Anyways, Lance, care to tell the class a little bit about yourself?" She asked, turning to the alien-boy.

He glared, giving her one of the nastiest side eyes you've ever seen, "No."

"Well in that case, you can take a seat in the back next to Miss (l/n)," Mrs. Ackerman instructed before returning to the start of her lesson.

The boy stalked over to his seat, plopping himself down with a scowl and seemingly tuning out the lesson as well.

'So last night wasn't a dream, and this hot guy sitting next to me is an alien. This is awesome! I gotta talk to him. I didn't think aliens would be able to speak the same language as we do.'

"Hey," you whispered, discreetly leaning over to the boy, earning a deadly glare from him.

But you paid it no mind.

"Sorry for interrupting your little introduction up there. You just look incredibly familiar to me."

He huffed, fixing his gaze back on the board, "It's fine."

'Icy. ...I like it.'

You looked back up at the board as well, a smirk coming to your lips as you got another idea.

'Round 2.'

"So, did you see that comet that fell last night?" You smiled, turning to him again.

His breath hitched and his shoulders tensed ever so slightly.

"No," he answered curtly, avoiding your gaze.

You smirked, "There's no way. That thing was huge. I heard it crashed in the woods. Was thinkin' about checkin' it out later tonight-." "Don't!" He quickly interrupted, grabbing the attention of the entire class.

Embarrassed, he looked down at his desk, waiting until everyone stopped looking.

'He's adorable~.'

"Just don't," he stated, quieter this time, "The woods can be dangerous at night."

Just then, the bell rang, and you happily stood up, throwing your messenger bag over your shoulder.

"Thanks for the concern, blue boy. I'll think about it," you smiled, turning around to walk out.

"See you around, Lance."

He huffed, turning away from you as you walked away, a fangirly smile on your face.

'I JUST FLIRTED WITH AN ALIEN!'

𝙨 𝙮 𝙢 𝙗 𝙞 𝙤 𝙣 𝙞 𝙘

Walking down the hallway, jamming to your music, you noticed another familiar face.

It was the princess. And she was standing next to this incredibly tall and square nerdy looking guy.

'No way. She's here, too? I don't recognize the guy, though. Maybe he's the robot in disguise.'

Smiling, you decided to walk over, leaning up against a locker.

"Hey, are you two new here?" You asked, cocking a brow.

The girl smiled, her demeanor quickly perking up, "Yes! My name is Ilana Lunas. And this here is Newton."

"Hello," the boy robotically waved.

'Lunas, eh?'

"Nice to meet you. I'm (y/n), but call me (y/n/n)," you smiled, "Hey, wait, you wouldn't happen to have a brother named Lance Lunas, would you?"

"I would. You know Lance?" She asked, turning her head in confusion.

"Just met him in my last class. Real charmer," you smirked sarcastically as you pointed your thumb at your classroom.

"Say, next period's lunch. You guys wanna sit with me? I can tell you a little bit about the school if you'd like."

Ilana smiled widely, "We'd love to! Please, lead the way."

"You got it," you smiled back, the three of you starting down the hallway.

"Hey, Ilana? You ever had a Monster?"

𝙨 𝙮 𝙢 𝙗 𝙞 𝙤 𝙣 𝙞 𝙘

"Just ignore the people here. Most of them are jerks anyway," you assured with a shrug.

Ilana had just finished describing in detail how her day has gone so far, and if you were being honest, it's been pretty crappy.

"I just hope Lance is having a better day," Ilana sighed as the three of you walked into the lunchroom.

"I don't think so," Newton stated, pointing to the group of jocks that were approaching his lunch table.

"Crap, he pissed off the football team," you sighed, facepalming.

"Oh no," Ilana gasped.

"This table is reserved," Mike Holden spat, glaring down at the alien-boy.

But Lance was silent in response, doing nothing but glaring right back.

"I said this table is reserved!"

Mike smashed his fists down on the table, but Lance jumped out the way, back-flipping onto Jordan Scott's head and kicking Micheal Keys in the face.

"Whoa," you stared, wide-eyed and mesmerized.

He smashed his elbow into Jordan's face and then jumped off, sending a huge flying kick into Mike's face, all three boys now down for the count.

'Adding fighting prowess to his pros list.'

The entire cafeteria erupted in cheers, you following Ilana and Newton through the crowd.

"Weren't we supposed to be keeping a low profile?" Ilana cockily whispered to her brother, though you managed to hear.

He rolled his eyes, brushing her off with a small smirk.

"Hey, blue boy," you smiled, waving from your spot next to Newton.

"That was awesome! Where did you learn to fight like that?"

"I-." His sentence was interrupted by a huge rumbling, a gigantic, fiery comet whizzing past the giant window of the cafeteria.

'More aliens?'

"They followed us here?" Lance whispered to the other two.

"I'm afraid so," Newton sighed.

"The TV!" You quickly stated, leading the three over to the cafeteria's TV where the news was covering the sudden appearance of a giant fire monster that was rampaging towards the city.

'Lance and them were able to turn into those crazy robots, right? Maybe they can stop this thing.'

You turned to them, noticing the guilt that held true on Ilana's face.

'Ugh! But asking them to help could blow my cover.'

Turning back to the TV screen, you watched as the fire monster stepped on a building, smashing it as if it were cardboard.

'Worth it.'

"Guys, look," you started turning to them.

You knew no one else was listening because everyone was too busy running away.

"I know you all are aliens."

Ilana and Newton gasped, but Lance glared at me, stepping in front of Ilana in a defensive position.

If looks could kill, you would be slaughtered.

"But please believe me, I have no intention of hurting you. At all," you quickly caught. 

"Now, I don't know if you guys are gonna probe me or do whatever but I ask that you please turn into those robot things from before and stop that... thing. I don't know if it's on your side or not, but please get rid of it. A lot of good, innocent people live in that city."

Ilana turned to Lance, pleadingly, "We have to do something."

"We can't. We're in hiding, remember?" Lance denied.

"Look at that!" The newscaster exclaimed, cutting to a clip of the monster stepping on yet another building.

Your eyes went wide and you hands quickly covered your mouth in shock.

'All those people...'

"I know what my father ordered you to do. But that thing is here because of me. These people are suffering because of me," Ilana retorted firmly.

"I understand. But we have to remain hidden. If we attack, the Mutraddi will know we're here. They'll send more beasts, more poachers," Lance denied once again.

"I'm afraid I must concur with Lance. The risk is too great. We should let the Earth defend itself," Newton agreed, the screen showing a fireball crashing into the street.

"Hate to break it to you guys but Earth tech is definitely not as," you paused, your hand motioning to Newton, "advanced as yours. We have absolutely no way of defending ourselves against a threat like this."

When you were met with silence, you huffed, eyebrows furrowing as you turned around and booked it out the cafeteria.

"Then I'll do it by myself!" You exclaimed, turning the corner.

"(y/n/n)!" Ilana called.

𝙨 𝙮 𝙢 𝙗 𝙞 𝙤 𝙣 𝙞 𝙘

'Shit, shit, shit, shit. What was that thing Sergeant McKellen used to say? Something like..."A cowardly general can have a mountain moved, but a courageous soldier can move the mountain himself."'

As you ran through downtown, rifle you grabbed from home in hand, you could already feel the life flashing before your eyes.

'Bullshit.'

The monster stood not too far in front of you, roaring in the faces of the Air Force jets whizzing around in the sky.

'If I can lead him away from the city, then maybe the army can take care of him.'

"Hey, ugly!" You shouted as you shot at the monster's face, the boom click click of your rifle making you flinch.

The thing roared, rearing its head at you and making your blood run cold.

'Don't lose your nerve.'

"Come and get me, you fiery jerk!" You shouted again, turning to run towards the forest as you set off more shots into the sky.

Angry, it began to chase you, swinging its arms into building and destroying them as if they were nothing.

'SHIT! I DIDN'T THINK THIS THROUGH!'

Just as the monster was about to step on you, a familiar, yellow mech whizzed by, blasting him with a large, blue laser.

"Ilana!" You cheered with a smile, relieved.

She blasted him with another laser, but that only made him angry, the monster grabbing a building and throwing at her, pinning her under rubble.

"Ilana!" You shouted, worried as you ran over and tried to lift the rubble.

It was about to hit you two with a fireball when suddenly Lance's mech flew in, weaving through it's attacks and distracting it.

"(y/n/n)!" Ilana exclaimed from the suit.

"Don't worry, girl, I'll get you outta here," you strained, trying desperately to lift the largest piece.

"Maybe I can be of assistance," a familiar monotone interrupted, you turning to see the clear robot you saw from last night.

"Octus!" You and Ilana smiled.

Octus got the big pieces, while you moved the smaller ones, Lance coming to join the effort after being thrown away by the monster.

Suddenly, the monster breathed a huge breath of fire, Lance quickly pushing you out the way of its blast.

"Guys!" You exclaimed, concerned.

But Octus suddenly grew larger, a tractor beam pulling Lance and Ilana into him to form this humongous mech. 

"Whoa," you gaped.

The two began a epic battle, the fiery monster destroying nearly half the city, before the gang was able to subdue it, killing it in the water.

Ecstatic, you quickly hijacked someone's motorcycle, riding as quickly as you could towards the woods as the crew escaped from the army.

𝙨 𝙮 𝙢 𝙗 𝙞 𝙤 𝙣 𝙞 𝙘

Finding them, separated, you jumped off the bike, running over to them and giving them a big hug.

"You guys were awesome! You guys saved the city and looked super cool doing it! I didn't know you guys could make that giant robot," you cheesed, backing out of it.

"To be honest we didn't know either. But I'm glad we could help," Ilana smiled.

"I-." "Don't think we forgot what you said earlier. I want you to tell me everything you know, now," Lance curtly interrupted, crossing his arms.

You were surprised at his straight-forwardness, but understood.

"Of course," you nodded, "I was looking for my dog that ran away in the forest when I found you guys. At first I thought you guys were human until I noticed the weird getup and the spaceship."

He cocked a brow.

"I was gonna just turn around and mind my own business but then you guys started talking about princesses and Galalunas and Moo-traatys that I just couldn't help myself. But I swear that I haven't told a soul. As far as I know, the only people that saw you were me, my dog, and the army."

"The army? Is that the name of Earth's defenses?" Newton asked.

"Yup. We have a whole bunch of branches, too. I know a lot about them 'cause I grew up in a military academy," you nodded.

"So you're a soldier? Then what are you doing at Sherman Highschool?" Lance asked as well, in a much nicer, but still stoic, tone.

"On Earth, it's required of you to finish high school before you can pursue a decent job. So once I finish high school, I'm gonna join the marines, a branch of Earth's defenses," you smiled, happy he was warming up to you.

Ilana stepped forward, rubbing her chin thoughtfully, "You seem to know a lot about this planet. Do you think you could be our guide?" 

You smiled wildly, but quickly cleared your throat and regained your composure.

"On one condition," you started, your tone turning serious.

Ilana and Newton listened in, Lance cocking a brow.

"I want to know for certain that you guys aren't invading this place-." "We aren't. Galaluna would never," Ilana quickly assured.

'Good to know.'

"And I want to know everything. Why you're here? What happened on your home planet? I can't help you very much if I don't know what's going on," you finished.

Lance scoffed, "How do we know you're not gonna rat us out to your army?"

"You don't," you stated plainly, "But you have my word that I won't tell a single soul. Scout's honor."

You smiled, your hand on your heart and two fingers up.

Ilana smiled, looking pleadingly at the two boys as they contemplated, you joining in on the puppy dog eyes.

Lance glanced at you, you sadly batting your eyelashes, before he caved.

"Fine," he sighed.

"Yeah!" You and Ilana cheered, hugging.

"Oh, you guys are gonna love Earth," you smiled, throwing an arm around Ilana.

"I can totally show you the ropes."

"Why do I get the feeling that this is going to be exhausting?" Lance grumbled.

"This is gonna be fun!"

𝙨 𝙮 𝙢 𝙗 𝙞 𝙤 𝙣 𝙞 𝙘

[pla-teau]

the amount of times i've watched red, white, and royal blue is ungodly but every single time i still cry. i cry at multiple parts like the end when they're at alex's house saying they've won because they truly have. the one scene that really gets me every single goddamn time and makes me ugly cry is the museum scene. when they start dancing to 'can't help falling in love', i'm an absolute goner. there's nothing to stop my body from having such a visceral reaction to these two incredibly beautiful human beings having such an emotional, intimate moment together away from the judgemental eyes of the world.

it hits home because for couple of reasons. one, for as long as i could remember, i've wanted to dance and walk down the aisle to that song with the one i love. if i had a song to dedicate to my forever person, it's that one - i remember hearing it and knowing in my heart that that's the one song i have to share with my special someone. two, it's the tenderness of it all. how fucking in love the two are and that's too much for my little heart that swells until tears fall. how i wish to be that in love with someone and deep down fearing that i can't or won't have that for many reasons. how much of a hopeless romantic i am to have that one day with someone and maybe knowing that i can't achieve it because i'm too traumatized and scared to let someone hold my heart like that or fearing that asking someone to be patient with me will only cause them to leave because they'll grow tired of waiting.

regardless, i love this movie (and book) so much and i love having another bi character take up space in my heart and seeing him be so fucking happy and in love. in general, queer love stories like this are always going to be a comfort and continue pushing me to be my unapologetic bi disaster self. i hope it does the same for others in the community.

[davidwduffy]

The Never-Ending Storm

This is the view from the window of the room I'm in right now, the one I use as an office, and it does a pretty good job of summing up where I am in life at the moment. Storms roll in, or out, on a very frequent basis, something rather typical in North East England. Which is where I find myself now, seventeen-and-a-half years since I left the region to explore life in continental Europe, and two years after a government I didn't vote for conspired to remove my right to explore life in continental Europe on my own terms.

You know how it goes. Life happens, so they say. Well, it certainly did for me, and that's perhaps the problem. The past seven years have gone by at such a chaotic clip that I find myself not really knowing who I am anymore - certainly not having the assurety I once had back in the heyday of this place, when I was posting with incredible regularity.

I've barely written a word in the last six years, it being a whirlwind of two career changes, two redundancies, four countries, lockdowns and curfews, promotions and breakdowns, and more impostor syndrome than one should ever realistically have to face. Yikes.

I turned 40 a couple of months ago, and with it came the realisation that life just hasn't been that good. I've been in a funk for a very long time, and despite wanting to shake it, I've not been able. I feel too tired to try, and hopeless, but ultimately not completely without hope. It's been a challenging and incredibly lonely period, but somehow I need to fix all that before it becomes unfixable.

So here I am, spilling thoughts, wondering if that's been the answer all along. Purging myself of the ill in order to move forward with the healthy. After all, storms aren't permanent, at least unless you're on Jupiter. My brain may have been full of fog all this time, but it can clear, eventually. Maybe even enough to write something actually creative, something you'll actually want to read. 😅 I hope everyone is keeping well. P.S. That 'factory' in the distance, near the rainbow, is actually a nuclear power station. The test sirens scare the shit out of me on a weekly basis, even after two years of them.

[kittyrob0t]

I will type this while im still feeling pretentious

in a good way, don't get me wrong. Lately, I've been feeling an overwhelming need to learn new languages, read books again, shift the music I listen to, and simplify the clothes I wear. Albeit, this might be temporary for now, I am clinging on to this momentary idealization of a want for this lifestyle. I know at my age, it will be difficult to learn a new language, and hopeless considering it might be a barren skill to have if I'm never even going to leave the country sooner or at all. But alas, my brain has decided to do something, and I must follow. This is more and more showing up as a stage of mania and ADHD, which I will ignore, and proceed with. In the past I've always wanted to learn new things, and have always failed because I use life as an excuse to forget or even tire of doing such things. I've also always wanted to have a simpler wardrobe with better pieces but have failed as well because I always put front that I am a victim of capitalism and am not privileged enough to afford slow fashion. Hence my repetition of clothes despite having a ton of them. I no longer enjoy making coffee, I make it, but finish it in less than 10 minutes without actually savoring it. Even the process itself. Which I know sounds ludicrous but I just miss romanticizing the small bits of life as I have been eternally depressed to do so.

I started the last three months with a labor some skincare routine, I now can't seem to be bothered. And I have been in an eternal melancholy for weeks that honestly feel like months. And maybe it has been months, I don't really remember. I haven't really had a fair grasp on time since five years ago. I also have this idea of reading these blog entries in videos I want to create, but it might be too much and overwhelming, and as I'm typing this, maybe its better to keep two separate mediums for now. Especially since I haven't even started video taping anything. It's also funny how I've never talked about filming anything in the first paragraph and now I'm blabbering on about it.

As for my quietness, I am in a pit to be honest. I am currently going in no sure direction with my career and now that I have finally stepped up, am coming to a long stop, I think most probably I am. Sometimes I get sputters of ideas that maybe I should do more work on my portfolio, but I can never find the time to do it, because I always think I'm better off doing something better at that moment. And then it all gets faded out, until a desperate happening comes into my life and I think about it again, and the cycle continues. I currently am working three jobs, one full time, two part time ones that feel like the other one is in disguise. It's a lot more needy than I am, and the fact that I'm depressed doesn't help. I am also currently processing training sessions for a voice acting gig that will last for 6 months and can probably pay for 3 years of rent, for a French web company about to launch audio smut. My desperation for money has definitely made me tolerate some red flags my employer has been showing, especially the time I asked for a contract and he sent me a two-sentence PDF with two underlines for signatures, five minutes later.

Someone has also been 'managing' me, in music, and have been singing as a back up for an indie rapper that seemingly only has intense rhythmic pop in his discography. Most of our shows either has my mic set to the lowest volume; either that, or my voice is incredibly low and quiet, and in decibels the naked ear can't hear, If that's even a phrase. But even then, I still value the 500-1000 peso bills I receive after (under) performing. I seem to think I get better with each performance, but whenever I get off, I always hear the feedback that I seem to have not existed there at all. And to be honest, I don't know what to feel. But I don't feel sad at all. There's certainly a humor to it. Feels like being a ghost employee in a band, paid to be silent.

I've also some to admit that I'm terribly disappointed with how my life is going, but often forget that I am, because of the little tiny happy moments that happen in between, that when I do remember, I feel a little worse that I don't know how to tell people how miserable I am because I feel that the time has passed.

I am currently determined on being alone, as I am weighing if I truly enjoy it because I get to so many things I plan on doing, or maybe I'm just genuinely busy; or that I am just glutted with the presence of other people, and have tremendously low energy to associate myself with. Which by the way, worries me that I may seem like a bitch.

[littleslavediary]

Hopeless and vulnerable in a foreign country

i moved in to Daddy's apartment in Israel two months ago. We had a civil marriage a month ago because it will dramatically improve my odds of having my visa approved. As my tourist visa expires in one month, we are turning in my application for the next visa tomorrow.

I expected a lot more people here to speak fluent english. Almost no one I have met on the street or in stores does. Even half of my husbands family barely speak english and they all prefer to speak in Hebrew.

I really love the feeling of not being able to communicate with people around me. How vulnerable it makes me and so dependent on Daddy. I am taking hebrew lessons so I understand some words but its very rudimentary for now.

There is no such thing as casually asking for a little help in my situation. It's funny I briefly described my dynamic in a discord server and got all these American numbers I could call for free counseling about domestic violence. That isn't an option here nor do I want it to be.

If I really wanted to leave I could take busses to the airport and buy a ticket back to the USA with cash. However, I really don't want to go back first because I'm desperately in love with my husband, and second because my family forces me to take insane psychiatric medication that make me very sick and tired. Even though when my mood is stable psychotic symptoms don't bother me.

I have been completely off my meds for two months and feel amazing. I have never been happier and truly cherish my husband. I couldn't survive without my Daddy. I couldn't go on if I lost him.

Daddy has "joked" that if he suspected me of wanting to leave at all, he would take my bus pass, debit card, and passport. He would even lock me in the concrete apartment when he goes to work (the door happens to have no way to open except with the key when locked).

For now I have zero desire to leave whatsoever and he trusts me. So I have the key and can go where I want when he is at work. But whenever he says, "I will never allow you to leave me." It awakens this deep dark desire in me to be a slave in a non-consensual dynamic.

Daddy doesn't love non-consent but it's my favorite kink. Daddy is a few years younger than me. He is very handsome and physically fit, so in no way is our dynamic creepy and there isn't a major power inbalance.

I find it so incredibly hot to be this vulnerable. When we are being intimate and I'm uncomfortable I love remembering how vulnerable I am. Daddy will hurt me if I ask to stop and leaving (especially in that moment) is not an option.

The safe word is always still available. I've used it when he got too carried away and he listened to it immediately. I fully trust that he will always respect the safe word, so I feel very safe. If I did cheat on him or otherwise badly betray him, I don't think he would listen to it, and I'm fine with that because I would never betray him anyways.

[eclipseshotel]

!! Some bad mental health talk ahead !!

(Hi, I'm having a shit time rn mentally, just every waking moment trying desperately, often failing, to make The Thoughts™️ remain background noise and I'm so tired & hopeless & bitter & angry. The constant buzzing of bad thoughts is draining, not to mention the balancing act I always do for others around me, be that family or work. [Also you know, the Capitalism] There's more but I don't want to clog this up more than I already am.)

And I just so so want a nice old-ass yautja husband to accept and care for me regardless of how pathetic & unworthy I feel. Reassure me of his love, be absolutely devoted to my wellbeing. That'd just be really nice right now...

(Sorry I just dumped this here, please feel no pressure to respond and I hope the above warning is enough. I wish you a lovely day 💛)

Anon, for starters, I'm so sorry I can't offer you the guidance and solace you truly deserve. I appreciate you coming to me to vent about some of the things that trouble you. While I don't feel like I'm much help, I am always here--whether you prefer anon or through private dm--if you wish to vent or talk to me further at any point!

As someone with a highly overactive mind, and who grapples with anxiety and mood swings on a daily basis myself, it's incredibly hard to tune it all out--impossible, really. It's why I find myself constantly trying to occupy myself with stuff to do so it lessens the noise, even for a short time. It's the little things in life that keep me from flying off the hinges completely.

With the volatile state of the world, on top of feeling tethered by obligation towards my own family, to the point where I feel like I'm not even living my own life for me (or at its full potential) half the time, it's no surprise that we slip and fall into that pit of despairing, self-deprecating thoughts. It's suffocating, even downright depressing. It seems to use up so much energy to not be buried alive by it. To say it's a struggle is an understatement these days...

You're not clogging anything up! I'd rather you reach out and unburden yourself than pent stuff up to the point of imploding, or worse... Everyone is fighting their own battles, but we still gotta look out for each other however we can. A little kindness and understanding goes a long way.

As for a yautja husband, my god, ME TOO. The longing is shared!!! Pains me to my soul... Oh to be cradled in the arms of something far bigger than yourself. Someone with the utmost patience, fortitude & sincerity so unlike anything you've ever experienced. If one were to give me the tightest of bear hugs, my touch-starved ass would sob like a baby, no question. Your yautja would have you strong. Even when you feel like you don't have the strength to keep going, he'll show his warmth and devotion by carrying you. You wouldn't even have to ask.

Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me any time, anon! Or anyone who follows or comes across me, for that matter! I’m very awkward when it comes to these things, but I will try my best to alleviate any worries or troubles you might want to talk about. All my love ❤️

[gisellevgonzalez]

Because I need to vent

It's been a while since i've posted something. I'm not sure where to start... I am living my best life but also one of the hardest time of my life. I am incredibly blessed but often get sad and numb. I have a lot of happy moments in my life but I wouldn't necessarily call myself a happy person. I feel wrong for feeling like this. I know if I tell someone this they could only think of all of the great things that I have going for myself. Just this year I graduated with my masters, traveled to Europe, had great memories with friends and family, and just recently got a new job that I should be ecstatic for but I'm not? Don't get me wrong... I am happy but also not excited. Lately it's been hard for me to feel excited for anything- for the future, or the present. I'm not sure if I'm unmotivated or if its hopelessness I struggle with. I don't always struggle with it but when it hits me it hits like a truck. But this year + has also been one of the hardest on my family with church/ ministry struggles and people leaving, my family struggling to keep the house and now it got taken away and we have no home, and the usual- the struggle with my brother. My sanity has been with me living an hour away in my own apartment and only coming home 2-3 times a week. But God has brought me back home and unconsciously it feels like he took that away from me. I felt as though I had nothing left for me in this city and I can't deny that submitting to God's will has been painful and i've tried to fight it but I want nothing else than to surrender my life that belongs to him. However, I have been left bitter and distant from God because of it. This year has been with so many ups and downs spiritually, but a lot more downs. I have no christian community and fellowship. The Sunday service word no longer feeds me. And I am left to getting out of this spiritual drought on my own. (to be continued) 👇🏼

But it has also been interesting because I am growing with God and do have my intimacy and closeness with him. I don't mean to be distant but it's hard when I am constantly at battle with life + myself and I am left exhausted. I know it's all for a purpose and that he's molding my character and future, but I can't deny that sometimes I feel like I'm drowning and all I want is to get unstuck but he wont allow it. Being back home is hard because there is constant stress. There is always something my parents are struggling with and now even more. They need a break from life but I can't give that to them. So I watch. And I carry that burden and weight I was never meant to carry. I didn't want to come back home. I wanted to stay in my apartment and be independent and now I am back and I want to cry all the time. I begged God that this wouldn't happen and now I have nothing left within me. He made me aware I was running away but that's what I wanted. There's also the part that I am about to turn 26 and I am back to living with my parents and the icing on the cake is that I am still single. Everything I hear has to do with "when I am going to get a boyfriend, why don't I have a boyfriend, what am i doing to get a boyfriend" honestly I'm tired of that too. Tired of hearing it, tired of being single, and tired of boys. I have no desire to "put myself out there", get on a dating app, or being set up with someone people know. At this point it just feels unrealistic the idea of me getting a boyfriend and getting married. But everyone around me has no problem in that department. I don't want to feel like I'm complaining but I cant help it. I have all these negative thoughts I have to wrestle with but I give in to them time and time again. One of the big ones is that I don't know what I have to look forward to. But then logic kicks in and I know this isn't permanent and that there are so many amazing things that are in store for my future. But how can I be happy for the future when I am focused on the struggles of today? I hope to look on this a year from now and feel different. Not feel the need to cry or numb myself almost everyday. And that I'll read this and realize it was such a little thing. Life is short and fragile and the struggles for today will mean nothing in the future. But rather I'll be able to look back and hopefully see the purpose in all this and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you're doing better Giselle. I hope you find meaning and joy in this life. I hope this sadness you feel isn't ongoing. I hope there a brighter and better days ahead. 🤍

[chronicles-of-lili-and-love]

Isn’t it strange though… How just a couple of weeks ago, we laid awake just like I am now. For a choice that you made. And now, here we lie, the whole town between us, for the choice I didn’t mean to make.

I lay here, wide awake, music playing in the background… But I don’t hear it. Not really.

My dog lays at my feet, sound asleep after spending the last 24 hours trying to help me. Her job isn’t done. I’m not any better, but I won’t let her continue to work for me tonight. She needs rest. And she’s done all she can. She can’t save me from myself this time. Why should she lose sleep over my choice?

I lay here, and in my mind those moments just won’t stop. I’m in a steady loop of absolute rock bottom. The fight. The moment I lost myself. The moment I got myself back, too late. The moment I fully registered what had happened.

I lay here, and I don’t know the mind attached to the familiar face and body I’ve known my entire life. I’m scared. I’m ashamed. I’m hurt. I’m angry. But more than anything, I’m numb now. I’m just tired.

I lay here, in the middle of the crossroads, and I wait for whatever comes next. The ball’s in your court, Babylove. There’s nothing more I can do. I’ve done too much already.

I start therapy in a couple of weeks, after months of searching and waiting lists and feeling more hopeless by the day. Funny how the day after my world fell apart, would be the day I finally get to take a step forward in the journey to being a better version of myself.

Isn’t it just funny… How you were my reason to become that better version of myself. And you won’t even be here to watch it happen.

Isn’t it all just strange? Isn’t it so ironically funny?

You’ll never see this, and maybe that’s for the best. But there are things I wish I could say to you now. Things I wish I had said sooner. Things I’ve said a million times, that always seemed to fall on deaf ears.

You can’t treat people the way you treat me when you’re angry, and never have consequences. You can only push somebody so far, before they become a person you’ve never known.

You can’t talk to somebody you’re supposed to love, the way that you talk to me, and expect them to take it with a smile.

You can’t expect somebody to change, to work on themselves for the sake of your relationship, and not match their efforts.

You need help too, Babylove. And I wish that you would see that. We could have made it so far, I could see our whole life ahead of us. Now all I see is the shock and anger on your face. All I hear is you telling me you’re done and you’re leaving, and the gravel flying under your tires as you drove one way and I walked the other.

I don’t blame you for leaving. I would have left me too. But damn it, we could have BEEN something! We SHOULD have been something incredible. We were going to be that old couple on the porch that everyone talks about because we were still so in love. Now, all anybody will remember is how this ended.

I hope you learned. I know I did. You were the love of my life… Now you’re a lesson I wish I never learned.

I hope, on your side of town, with your dog curled up beside you, you’re sleeping like the angel I still think you are. I hope when you close your eyes, you see us how we used to be. When the world was at our feet, because ours revolves around each other. I hope that in the silence of the morning, right when you open your eyes, you see me sleeping there beside you like I should still be. I hope that when my songs play on your phone, you remember my bare feet on the dashboard, our hands tangled together while I used to sing along. I hope when you smile, you remember all the times you smiled for me and I smiled back. I hope when you hear jokes we used to make fun of, you still hear me laughing. I hope that when you go to Taco Bell, you almost order my favorites and a cheesy roll-up for our dog. I hope that when you go to the lake with your friends, you still feel my cold wet arms around your waist and you laugh when you remember me begging you to come play in the water with me.

I hope that, despite everything, you know and remember that you were my one great love and my heart will always be yours.

Above all… I hope I wake up tomorrow to find you sleeping beside me, holding me close. I hope that one of these days, I will wake up and everything that’s happened will just be some horrible, twisted, bad dream.

I know that I won’t. But I’m clinging to the hope right now, because I don’t know if I can move on with my life without you in it. And I’m not ready ti find out.

[that-is-just-so-typically-me]

If I step back and look at the differences in my needs now compared to what they’d been for so long (which I often do, because I need to “update the manual”, to borrow from a friend, as my subconscious is still mainly operating on survival tactics that weren’t great, just the best I could do then, and that certainly won’t make the cut now), it’s really fascinating to see how much has changed. I’m at the point where the threshold for the amount of pain or suffering I can see in a show or movie is incredibly low, and retracting at an accelerating pace. I’ve always had what I considered average upper bounds to the pain and suffering I can tolerate seeing in entertainment, depending on the survey pool I suppose (I could always watch any horror except for torture-porn and extreme body horror). I could watch sad, even disturbing moments in dramas, for sure, and just move along past it to flow emotionally with the rest of the story. But I’m at the point where I just have to fast-forward through a lot of even momentary disturbing acts of violence - can’t even grimace through it. When people lose loved ones in shows/movies, I am now guaranteed to cry. When people get their hopes crushed or are spoken to meanly by someone they trusted, it just like, affects me. Characters enduring unexpected pain or being put through shitty things by others or just being knocked on their ass by life, dealing with more than they could reasonably take - it just sets off the worst spiral of thoughts. I am so tired of our entertainment options for any audience above PG consisting almost exclusively of characters with traumatic backstories or going through trauma, or just badly behaved people acting badly to others (often fellow badly behaved people), and dismal views of our future. I really feel like there’s no way it can be good for us to not balance these things out with depictions of people generally choosing to behave excellently to each other, and treat that as just normal and everyday. I want a better mix of characters who don’t go through extreme trauma, or who at least have great support through it and are shown healing. I feel like we’re just teaching each other that this is the best we can do and what we should expect, especially given how many shows and movies we’re all consuming, and how little trust we have with other people in general these days. It’s like there’s no escaping it, no safe refuges in our stories these days, especially since the only gentle stories tend to be for little kids or just feel weird and hollow and 2D and outright dismissive of how hard life can be (instead of simply acknowledging it, but not welcoming it into the narrative). I need interesting, dynamic stories that nod at but aren’t steeped in trauma, where people are guided through hard times with the love of their loved ones. I’m sick of hopelessness. I want hopeful movies.

[theintrovertwithadhd]

ugh

good morning world

At this very moment, it feels like life is just a constant struggle. I"m aware this is just a choice of a mindset I am having right now but I am human ok? So let me be.

I'm tired, I'm sick of winter, I'm sick of constantly overthinking every damn thing, I'm sick of trying to do it all. Questioning, is my nervous system ok, Did I eat enough, did I eat too much, did I do enough today, was I a good friend?

I am aware of how much pressure I put on myself but I just don't know how to turn it off.

I recently got prescribed a new medication which has made me feel incredibly bloated and gross. It's only day 4 today so I will give it a solid amount of time for my body to get used to it but man does it affect me and my behaviour. I ate non stop yesterday just because I just said fuck it to everything.

I feel that I've become so overwhelmed with everything I have to do to grow a business, I'm also incredibly scared to put myself out there, I just don't want to do it at all. I feel like I have so much to learn and work through to get anywhere to move forward.

I guess you could call this spiralling.

I met up with my really good friend yesterday and I guess I hadn't seen her in a while and things just felt off and distant. Being an INFJ its so hard to connect with people, but I want it so bad.

I'm just feeling really sad and hopeless right now. What excites me is getting inspired to put outfits together for summer, but since covid, I've completely lost my sense of style, what looks good on me, and who I am. The duty of going shopping alone exhausts me so I end up buying online and returning basically everything which isn't helpful. Then after that whole process, I just get discouraged and feel like I"m at the beginning all over again. Then think, I don't even have that many friends and I don't do much, where would I even wear this?!

Anyway, as I move forward in the day I will try to remember the following:

not be too hard on myself if I overeat or not feel like myself with the bloating and know its temporary

be kind to myself and slow down

don't put so much pressure on myself with this business, its going to happen you just have to trust the timing

this feeling is temporary

you are not going to die alone

[recycledsurvivor77]

I am feeling and thinking about so many things. I don't know how to start this. I guess I'll start with some short backstory so I can get to venting. I'll fill in details as needed.

I experienced lifelong abuse, mental illness, and chronic pain. I had been gaslit, manipulated, and abandoned by a lot of people, friends and family included. I had been homeschooled under my parents' fundamentalist ideas of what I should be taught.

When I was twenty years old, I moved to Michigan. I had been living in a homeless shelter for about six months when I moved in with a single mom and her two children. In November, I had to leave, but rescued a kitten and left it with my then-girlfriend. I stayed in the shelter again until the following April, when I was finally able to move in with my girlfriend, K. In August of that year, K's best friend S moved in with us. In November, I broke up with K for the final time.

In January of the next year, I began dating S. In the spring of the year after that, we had to leave K's house to move in with S's mother. I got a well-paying job in an inconvenient location and was forced to stay with a friend closer by. We had to move from there to S's dad's house. We finally secured our own place and moved in February of this year, but I lost my well-paying job. I brought in a roommate in April, and he abandoned us on July 1st. We were evicted Sept. 12.

My friend who promised to watch my cat instead called the cops on S & I and lied to them. My partner moved back in with their mother, who stated I was unwelcome. I moved back into the homeless shelter. I got kicked out at the tail end of September. Two friends, A & E, have taken me in, but E has been repeatedly bugging me for sex despite my clear and emphatic rejections.

I realize that my choices are the cause of a lot of my own problems. It's overwhelming. Granted, through no fault of my own, I didn't have any sort of safety net or guidance. I wasn't allowed to make mistakes while my parents had my back. I grew up expecting to fail due to unreasonable standards & pressure placed on me from multiple sources. At the same time, when I look back, I can see plenty of times where I could have simply made better choices. Some things I know I can fix with a little extra planning and organization (oh God), other things I really don't have any faith in.

I have these patterns of attempting to improve my life, faltering on one point, and abandoning all self-improvement. If I make a plan or budget and things go in any way how they're not supposed to, I abandon the whole thing and reject all backup ideas for one reason or the other.

I've been on and off my meds countless times. I'm off them right now. The pain is terrible, the paranoia is through the roof, I'm exhausted, I'm anxious, and I'm suicidally depressed. Not to mention things aren't really going well with S at the moment.

I want to die. I want all my awful behavior and pain and suffering to disappear completely, forever, and the only surefire way to do that is to die. The only way for me to stop ruining people's lives is to take myself out of the equation permanently. I know I need to go to the hospital, but I don't have insurance right now and just can't afford more debt.

I often feel like things that are routine and simple for most people are unreasonably difficult for one reason or another. I fall asleep sitting up on the couch in the middle of the day, which fucks my sleep schedule. When I sleep, no matter the length of time, I wake up feeling tired. My hips and back need to be in specific positions to feel any relief, and even then I have to shift positions frequently. I lose track of what day/time it is. I get severe anxiety to the point of frequent avoidance until it harms me and other people.

I don't know how to fix this. I don't know if it's fixable. I feel hopeless. I feel incredible guilt and shame. I feel useless and worthless. I feel like I've let everyone who's ever cared about me down, over and over. I feel like I don't deserve any happiness I have. At the same time, killing myself seems selfish, too. I don't want anyone to feel responsible for my death.

I want to be killed by someone else, or I want to find a bunch of medical professional unicorns who will take action to help me with my problems. Neither is very likely. So what then? Do I just figure it all out myself? I'm so sick of figuring things out by myself.

The worst part? I was supposed to have a test for ADHD on the 24th of october. I missed the appointment despite it being on my fucking calendar because my phone was stolen and I let myself lose track of what day it was.

My mind feels scrambled all the time. Brain made of alphabet soup. Everything is terrifying and nothing feels like the right choice. I'm frozen in place, not dying but not living, either.