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#i am very sad and a little upset because
mikimeiko · 6 months
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The Fall of the House of Usher | Miniseries (2023), Mike Flanagan
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thebirdandhersong · 7 months
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I think the problem. the problem is that I have always been afraid of not being invited into the inner circle. and am always wanting to be part of the inner circle. inner circle being the circle of love and companionship and communion. of course being a TCK and a bit of a sheltered homeschooled oddball child has nudged this further along over the years. but I didn't realise how STRONG that desire still burned. to actually be wanted.
#in other words today has been an oddly sad day! discovering that the friends you've made have their own group chats#that are separate from the general group chat (that no one ever talks on) that you aren't a part of is......... i don't know#i KNOW i'm liked by them and i KNOW they love me but do they WANT me around?#like. i know i'm not UNpleasant to have around. i am a good listener and a good conversationalist.#i work very hard at it because it doesn't come naturally to me.#but clearly that's not enough to be added to exclusive group chats! clearly that's not enough to be part of inner core circles#i don't know this just came out of nowhere and i feel as if i've been slapped in the face#sitting at a table where people are talking about the thing someone sent to the group chat#or the photo or quote or reel someone sent to someone else is....... bizarre.#i am trying not to be so hurt by it! i am trying not to take it so personally#it happens. i know it happens. i know it will keep happening. it is just that i thought this was a place where i wouldn't be lonely#and this is the dorm community i've invested so much of my time and energy and love into since last year.#so i think i'm justified in being a little upset!#i'm not crying about it but that's because i'm not about to cry with other people sitting here in the study lounge!#the math is probably really wrong here but i thought that if i poured love in for the sake of pouring love in#somehow somewhere along the line i would also receive love. that i would actually be a part of this community.#anyway that's not going to change how i live here! i committed myself to doing my best this last year#because i don't want anyone to feel left out or unwanted or lonely. i already made the decision#to do everything i can to love the people here.#i'm not trying to toot my horn this is just what i actually want to and have decided to do!#i have birthday cards planned! i have midterm snacks planned!#i've just worked out how i can print christmas and easter cards and stickers!#i'm GOING to love darn it all i'm GOING to pour love in#i think it hurts especially because there's the boy problem going on too#of not being wanted in an area that i DIDN'T expect to be wanted in#and then learning that there is a collective not being wanted in this whole community#it is a Lot and it is very hard and i don't know what to do with it!#i have had this lie (that i'm inherently unloveable and undesirable) in my head since childhood#and i've worked SO HARD to shut that voice up. and it is so so hard to not believe it right now
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cas-poisoning · 6 months
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I am not Palestinian/Middle Eastern/Arabic/Muslim but I stand with Palestine obviously out of moral principle but also because it is not lost on me that the sheer amount of racism driving this situation is not reserved only for Palestinians in this conflict. If you are a minority and you don’t stand with Palestine, you don’t realize that next time it could be you.
Hearing the white people in my life be pro Israel is making me realize these same people that I’ve always loved probably would have been pro slavery, pro segregation, anti civil rights movement etc. even though people love to claim they would have known better back then.
It’s the same talking point. You don’t think white Americans thought violent force against black protestors was justified? That they were “asking for it”?. There is a modern narrative that black people got their rights only through the most peaceful means, but the truth is we had to fight. We have always had to fight.
People are only against racism when it’s convenient to them. The modern white American liberal has been taught that’s it’s senseless and uncivilized to be openly racist towards black people (even though racism is still expressed in hundreds of other implicit ways) but when it’s time to stand up to any other group besides the one that has been culturally enforced as being “ok” suddenly those people don’t have the right to stand up for themselves
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strwbrymlkshake · 1 year
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Why can't I be satisfied with everything? It needs to be perfect to me and I can't accept anything otherwise :(
#mine#oh boy here we go. guy last post was about has been pretty cool and i got flustered around him a few times#but i feel bad bc. i need m o r e he isnt insane enough he isnt making me go absolutely crazy i want to be satisfied but im NOT im sorry#like its quite honestly the most attention acceptance etc ive gotten but its not ENOUGH he doesnt die whenever i send a selfie#im never satisfied WHY i have unrealistic expectations !!!! i hate my brain killing and violence and death etc#i get crushes on guys who want nothing to do with me but then when one actually wants me its not enough? what is wrong with me#thrill of the chase? i cant accept being loved? what is it brain. christ almighty. im not doing anything like deliberately yandere related#anymore im just being generally incomprehensibly mentally ill 🙄 still trying to find a therapist but idk how on earth ill explain that#ill update this post tomorrow with more insanity but for now i am the sleepy tired#// ok its now 3 days later i dont feel like making another post. i think i was just having a mental illness moment as always#because he does make me insane. hashtag girl. im trying to be the smartest and calculated i have ever been with a relationship in my life#like im thinkin about it so hard bro. the future n shit. how would this relationship go. im so scared ill do something wrong its preventing#me from doing things RIGHT. im sad becaude i flipped out today over even imagining him being upset with me a little#so i was really embarrassed and it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the night but he reassured me he doesnt hate me or want me to die#every one aaalways says theyre different. i can only hope this one is telling the truth. i dont know what ill do if he isnt.#well i need to stop whining about fictional scenarios and focus on the good stuff in reality. i get along with him very well and he#is very niceys to me :3 he doesnt think im fucking insane or stupid for overreacting. i feel very comfortable gossiping and talking w him#every long time blog viewer of mine reading this like ah shit here we go again#but thats what im here for. i guess. just have to keep doing this shit until something good finally happens to me romantically hngh#i feel so strange because i have wanted and yearned for a relationship but now that i actually could have one im like WAIT#I DIDNT THINK ID GET THIS FAR 💀💀💀 bruh. and he doesnt even think im stupid hes respectful to me he checks in on me all the time#like perhaps the only person to ever actually almost match my energy in a romantic sense. there was [redacted] i guess but he didnt love me#he listens to me talk about my problems he doesnt think i complain or overreact too much. all the ridiculous cringe shit i do#he doesnt mind it. its nice to be able to be myself. and im really proud of myself for not rushing into a relationship right away
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wedding-shemp · 6 months
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I sort of don't think "those babies were MERELY murdered and not decapitated so what are you whining about" is the winning argument some of you think it is
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talkfastcal · 4 months
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,
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maxxtheterrible · 9 months
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went to the farm today and fed goat and later there will be quinoa
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fish-and-forbear · 1 year
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I think I am doing okay, here.
I wish so many things could have been different. My heart aches for it. But I wouldn't have found my voice, otherwise, nor would I have met so many wonderful people and creatures.
I wish the other one would worry less. It's very silly to realize he thought I was the panicked one... now I've organized my mind and honed my edge, and he's the one who keeps feeling down...
I don't entirely understand why... life is very good. Everyone is getting a little better. It aches because I can feel it like a physical creature clawing in the skull, and whispering all of the misery in this world, the atrocities, the tragedies, the possibilities of so many things ending, or of getting hurt or worse for who he is. And being afraid for the people he cares about...
But that doesn't help us sleep right now. It doesn't change that tomorrow morning the sun will rise and we don't have work and we could do anything, within reason of course.
I'm not sure. Maybe I am the stupid one for being so positive. But one of us has to be, now.
Maybe it's just my instincts waking up again. It's so easy to throw my aching heart and memories away when someone I care about needs me. And right now, once more, we just need to rest.
Nothing bad is even happening! We had a nice day. We talked to friends, we played a game and lost track of time because it was so much fun. I liked that game and the name is appropriate, Loop Hero. Ironic but fitting! We helped a friend feel better after a nightmare. And now it's OUR turn to rest.
Nothing is wrong. Everything is alright. Many big steps forward this coming week. I feel his worry creeping into my heart too, but there's no need for it. We were brave and confident before, we can be that way again. :)
- Grist
#system journaling#see I can remember what words I need to use...! Sometimes.#I think I made him sad because my friends have their own blogs now and I immediately wanted to look at them#he let me but it just made him upset. But why? I chose to unfollow. He felt better after that. Why worry?#I am familiar and content with friendships between firey souls that do not last very long.#Better to rest them down gently. You should always leave friends at least a little bit better than you found them#If I did that then I am happy :)#I just wish he would believe me that it's alright... I know who I am... even if other people see me as a mistake that's fine#I've been around too long to care too much about that. Even from my own family. Trauma makes long bonds difficult#Sometimes when they are healed they can rekindle but..... foresight is a gift and a curse for these things. Better to let them go entirely#than hold onto what isn't there.#... I think he needs to talk to his friend again. The one that lives here.#I think he needs closure that these things are alright. After all that was 8 years and they are so much happier now :)#Hmm. This is getting long#I will let it rest. The heart is already a little softer and everything is less tense. His memory is AWFUL and he can never remember what I#talk about on my own but hopefully he will see that I am content and stop worrying so much about me. And focus more on better things#like making my damned music list like he keeps saying he will! But that is a joke to make him laugh :) There is never any rush.
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relnicht · 4 months
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need to reread swimming in the dark. i think i bought it as an ebook around christmas last year because i wanted to read it and couldn't find it in the shops, but I don't remember anything about it because I don't have the physical book so I didn't have a physical reminder of it and i think i must have read it in 1-3 days. i think i liked it idk. i like stories set in summer and nature
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henchman21hasapussy · 7 months
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when i get really stressed out i imagine im a robot and someone else is controlling my body. Thats how i cope
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tiredsadpeach · 1 year
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Okay so update his bf apologized (the one I was talking to in the first place) but I haven’t heard from the friend since he asked me if I could come to one of his shows
#and I found out that there were probably more shows that I could’ve gone to but he never mentioned them and I was too scared to ask#he’s barely even tweeted since so I don’t even have a gauge of like how he’s feeling especially towards me#so there’s absolutely no way I’m contacting him first rn not if I can’t tell if he’s just gonna snap at me or something#but the bf and I talked things out and while I still don’t fully see how what I said was mean because tbh he just forgot to explain and I#wasn’t gonna pester him about it I did apologize too as yknow just because you don’t mean to hurt someone doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen#but yeah found out that he has a good psychiatrist but all I had heard of their relationship was that he was kinda upset that the#psychiatrist called him and my friends relationship unhealthy and one sided which unhealthy oohhh yeah but not at all one sided#so I just had assumed he didn’t like the psychiatrist that much and I don’t like mine so I called her method into question which is not a#bad thing to me but I guess since he likes her then it might’ve upset him and that’s fine I take responsibility there#I just wish I was idk talked to instead of the sudden aggression but I’m glad I’m coming out of this with at least one friendship in tact#will my friend apologize? who knows! I’m too scared to message first and he may be too stubborn to do it so lol#but I am very sad I didn’t get to see his musical because yknow still rn that’s my best friend he’ll that’s my fp and I couldn’t be there to#support him because of a stupid argument that doesn’t make any sense to me which only makes me assume he doesn’t like me and this is an#excuse to get rid of me because teehee bpd#also had a little breakdown because I can’t save money like I feel incapable of saving but I think I’m okay now and I have work tomorrow#payday is the end of next week so I gotta be super strict with it this time#but yeah that’s the update on the now over a week long arguement over not trusting psychiatrists
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suzukiblu · 8 months
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excerpt from in-progress "timebending with Zuko" fic
Zuko wakes up and everything hurts.
Most specifically, his scar hurts.
That . . . doesn’t make sense, he thinks, and reaches for it automatically. A strong hand catches his wrist before he can touch it, which seems–fair, yes. Probably a good idea, anyway, because spirits does it hurt. Just . . . so much.
“Uncle?” he asks reflexively, attempting to open his eyes. It’s surprisingly difficult. And Uncle is in Ba Sing Se, of course, but he’s on his back on a futon or bedroll or something similar and someone’s sitting beside him and his head is swimming and he’s injured, clearly, so options for who said “someone” might be are limited, really.
So it’s not Uncle, obviously, but . . .
“Nephew,” Uncle says, very quietly, and Zuko . . . blinks.
At least, half-blinks. The one eye’s in too much pain to open.
The ceiling is metal, he notes absentmindedly. That’s . . . odd. He was in the palace, wasn't he?
“What happened?” he asks, vaguely bemused. Uncle pauses in a very concerning way, and Zuko has about three heart attacks about just how badly he doesn’t want to know what he’s about to say before–
“The Agni Kai,” Uncle says, very carefully. “Do you remember it?”
Zuko frowns–just with the one side of his face, because again, his scar hurts right now. To the point that his whole body feels wrong, does his scar hurt right now.
“Um–which one?” he asks, because there’s been about a dozen this month alone, and frankly he’s getting really sick of fighting them at this point but if the old guard of nobles are just going to keep dragging everything out like this–
“With your father, Nephew,” Uncle says, very carefully.
Zuko . . . blinks.
“Oh,” he says, vaguely perplexed. Uncle never talks to him about that. “Yeah, I remember that. What about it?”
“Do you remember what happened?” Uncle says.
“The part where I disgraced myself or the part where he burned my face?” Zuko says, because it’s so fucked up and awful and horrible that he can’t even get upset about it anymore, except when he’s really upset about it. But if Uncle’s bringing it up, presumably he has a good reason to be, so . . . “Or the whole ‘go find the Avatar who no one even believes exists anymore or you can never come home again’ part?”
“. . . all of that, yes,” Uncle says, still sounding very careful. Zuko frowns a little–again with just the one side of his face–and then looks over at him. His body still feels weird and wrong, but . . .
But . . .
They’re on a ship, he realizes. A Fire Nation one.
Well, explains the metal ceiling.
It doesn’t explain why Uncle is wearing red armor and a topknot like he hasn't in years, though, or why he looks so unspeakably sad.
“Um,” Zuko says, and attempts to sit up. His head immediately starts swimming even worse, and Uncle catches his shoulders and keeps him pinned against the . . . futon? Looks like a futon, yeah. “Where are we, exactly?”
“We are aboard a ship,” Uncle says. “I . . . may have slightly commandeered it.”
“. . . you paid for it, right?” Zuko asks, a little skeptical at that idea.
“Yes, Nephew, I did,” Uncle says, giving him a very tired, pained smile. Zuko doesn’t feel much better, seeing it.
“Is someone dead?” he asks, because he can’t think of anything else that would make Uncle look that way.
“Ah–no, no one has died,” Uncle says.
“Then what’s wrong?” Zuko asks warily.
“. . . you are injured, Nephew,” Uncle says, slowly. Zuko frowns, bemused. “And your father . . . I did not know he was going to do this. I am so sorry.”
Zuko . . . pauses. Looks around the room again, and then realizes: he knows this room, doesn’t he. He knows this ship.
This is the same ship he woke up on after the Agni Kai.
“Hold that thought, Uncle,” he says, then lifts his hands and looks at them. They . . . well, they are his hands, obviously.
But they’re not his hands, obviously.
“Huh,” he says, frowning in bemusement at them; turning them around like he half-expects them to stop being a thirteen year-old’s or something equally ridiculous. They don’t. They are very definitely a thirteen year-old’s hands.
Specifically, his thirteen year-old hands.
Huh.
“You don’t have to be sorry,” he says after a moment, putting his hands back down and glancing back to Uncle, who’s obviously the more important concern. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“I took you into that meeting,” Uncle says, his voice tight. “And I watched the Agni Kai. And I did nothing to stop any of it.”
“I know,” Zuko says. “But it wasn’t your fault.”
“It was,” Uncle says, his smile a sad and terrible thing. “You were there because of my actions. My mistakes.”
“You’re not the one who wanted to sacrifice all those soldiers,” Zuko says. “Or the one who decided to throw fire at my face.”
“You were there because of me,” Uncle repeats, his voice tight and his smile no less terrible. It occurs to Zuko, briefly, that Uncle must be thinking of Lu Ten.
He only ever looks like that when he’s thinking about Lu Ten, so . . .
“Uncle,” he says. “Really. It’s not your fault.”
“Nephew,” Uncle says, and his voice is somehow even tighter. Zuko tries to get up again, and his head swims again, and Uncle moves to stop him again. This time he grabs onto Uncle’s wrists and uses them to pull himself up, and then . . .
Well, then he’s sitting up, at least.
So that’s something.
He tilts his head and his hair slips into his eyes. It’s loose, and long. Not shaved on the sides yet, like he wore it the last time he was thirteen. He supposes he should cut it, but then again, why should he? He's not changing anything, after all.
Except for this conversation, he supposes, because that went very differently last time.
. . . hm.
"Uncle," he says one more time, and reaches out for him. Uncle doesn’t seem to understand what he’s trying to do, so he has to reach out a little farther, and then Uncle makes the connection and leans in and lets him wrap his arms around him and alright, yes: that’s better, Zuko thinks, and clings to him.
Just a little, perhaps, but . . .
Yes. He clings to him.
Uncle wraps his arms around him in turn, very carefully, and makes an awful sound.
“My boy,” he chokes. “I’m so–I’m so–”
“I forgive you,” Zuko lies, because of course there’s nothing to forgive.
But of course Uncle doesn’t understand that, does he.
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annarubys · 1 year
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i love to dunk on florida and be a hater but as soon as i see someone else do it i’m like well actually that’s a really culturally insensitive take and you should shut up maybe 😠
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heavenknowsffs · 2 years
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I don't want to be mean or say "you don't deserve it" because it's not THAT and these people have incredible work and i'm so happy for them but it is a very disheartening to try and be a music photographer since 2016 and never have gotten anywhere and see people who started literally last year and are now shooting bands like mcr and the pretty reckless and basically all of my fave bands simply because they are us americans and have such ease of access to opportunities meanwhile every photographer in my country has become a music photographer after 10 (TEN) minimum years of pro bono work and still are unable to do it full time
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cashmoneyyysstuff · 24 days
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this is a lil part two for this lil request fic i wrote about katsuki takin' care of a drunk reader ! yall rlly seemed to like it n asked for a part two so, here it is !! hope yall enjoy !
no pronouns mentioned, just pure fluffy katsu, microscopic angst maybe kinda and if you squint HARD (reader gets a little bit upset), soft katsu but he's also an asshat but we love him anyways, mentions of food n eating, mentions of bein drunk, lemme know if i missed sum else !
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"ya told me you loved me yesterday."
it's all katsuki utters in the quiet of your apartment as he looks out the window.
you promptly choke on your toast.
you manage to cough down your bread. clearing your throat as you try to speak as naturally as possible. “oh yeah ?”
katsuki grunts in response, taking a sip of his orange juice and smacking his lips before speaking again. still looking at the window and away from you, it makes you nervous. “yeah, thanked me for always takin care of ya, r’something”
katsuki is trying his very hardest to speak casually and he’s praying to every god there is you can’t hear the slight quiver in his voice or see the slight shakiness of his hand when he brings the glass of juice to his lip.
“oh.” your heart beats so loud you can hear it in your ears. you try to salvage the situation and you force out an awkward laugh. “ i mean—i am thankful to you, y’know.”
“ya should be, nobody else could handle takin’ care of your ass.”
“hey !”
you think this is fine. you were drunk and stupid and you’re fine with him brushing off your accidental confession like this if it means it won’t make things awkward. if it means he’ll keep coming over to your house like he owns the place and cook for you because you apparently don’t know how to cook for yourself well enough for his liking. as long as you can keep hanging out with him and going out for drinks and having him take care of you. though, you might not drink as much next time you two go out.
after a minute or two he speaks again “did you mean it ?”
your hand is already reaching for his half bitten piece of toast when you freeze for the second time “did i mean what ?”
katsuki scoffs, smacking your hand away from his toast with two fingers, you let out a little whine “ i know you’re not dumb, so quit actin’ like you are.”
“but i don’t know what you mean !” you inwardly cringe at your dumb response.
“when you said you—“ katsuki cuts himself off with a quiet groan, grabbing his toast and splitting it in half, chucking one of the pieces onto your plate “whatever” he mutters to himself. your heart squeezes when you see the sad frown on his pretty face he doesn’t seem to realize he has.
you don’t know if you’ve still got alcohol in your system, you don’t know if you’ve fully slept it off yet, if you’re fearless or crazy or just plain stupid, but after taking a bite of the toast he’d given you you blurt out something you were sure you would’ve only had the courage to say if you were black out drunk.
“i did.”
katsuki turns to you the moment you finish your sentence, bright red eyes widened as he tries not to let his surprise show, he fails to though. “ you did what ?”
in the back of your mind you want to pout at him because you know he knows what you mean. you know he just wants to hear you say what he wants to hear and it makes you a little grumpy because it’s early in the morning and you don’t look your best at all right now. you’re too embarrassed to even look him in the eye yet his bore into you so hard it feels like a magnetic pull, like you’re being forced to look at him despite your best efforts not to. you want to be at least a little mad but you can’t blame him, you feel like you owe this to him in a way.
“ i did mean it..when i said..” you’re incapable of looking at him as you feel shame creep onto you, clinging onto you like a sweaty shirt, you manage to swallow down the piece of toast“ when i said that.” you trail off quietly.
no sound is made and no voice is heard for at least a minute, but you feel yourself wanting to cry more and more with each second that passes.
you get the courage to look up at him and instantaneously which you never had when you see a smirk on his annoying face.
“that ? that, what ?” he jeers with a grin bordering on evil, sharp teeth on display.
you throw your head back and groan “katsuki, oh my god !” leaning forward across your table you try to pull his nose after you hear him chuckling. he swiftly dodges you, grabbing your wrist and then your other one when you try to pull a fast one on him, unsuccessfully. you grumble as you sit back down and if you weren’t as enamored with him as you somehow ended up being you’d have knocked that stupid smirk off his face. everything seems to be against you, including your heart.
he hums once you’ve sat back down “ooh, you mean when you told me you loved me, right ? s’that what you meant ?” he snickers, shit eating grin on his face. asshole, he’s not even trying to look innocent.
“you’re not funny.” you huff, crossing your arms and glaring at him. “ like, at all.”
“you’re right, i’m not.” he responds, leaning his forearms against your table “ i’m hilarious, actually.”
a part of you wishes you could punch him. hard. another louder part of you just wants to kiss his smug expression off his face, both options sound extremely tempting but one of them more than the other.
“hilariously stupid.” not your best retort, but you’ll take it. katsuki huffs out a laugh as you pout and look off to the side, you’re so fucking cute.
his smirk doesn’t fade as he keeps staring at you but his eyes soften as he leans in to rip your arms away from your chest “ relax, m’just fuckin’ witcha.”
“yeah. haha. funny.” you spit. katsuki starts getting actually worried he’d hurt your feelings and quickly tries redeeming himself. he pokes at your cheek once, twice and you swat his hand away when he goes for a third poke. then he leans forward so he can tickle your side and inwardly sighs in relief when you swat at his hand trying to hold back your laughter. the way he’s leaning against the table is a bit uncomfortable for him but as long as he keeps that warmth on your face he couldn’t care less.
he gets up and grabs his chair, dragging it against the floor causing it to squeak and making you cringe, you let out a noise of displeasure but katsuki doesn't look the least bit phased as he bring his chair to sit next to you.
his cheeks are red, you realize it now that he's sitting so much closer to you. he speaks after a moment of silence "so you meant it, yeah ? when you told me you.." he trails off at the end of his sentence. he's quieter than you're used to. there's a certain hopeful urgency in his eyes that has you shyly nodding your head in response.
he’s looking at you and you’re looking right back
“i meant it.” you whisper.
“i know.” he whispers back after a beat, before pressing his lips to yours.
the kiss lasts about 10 seconds before he pulls away, then leans in again for another, slightly longer one. when you separate your breathing a little heavy. you place your hand on his face and rub his cheek, admiring the way his eyelashes flutter slightly and how the feeling causes shivers to run up his spine. you can't help the goofy smile that pulls at your face and neither can he, you both chuckle slightly.
then you take a breath as if contemplating if what you were about to say was worth it. but katsuki knows you don't care and he's right because you say it anyway.
"we should go out for drinks to celebrate !" you giggle. he playfully rolls his eyes, pinching your side making you let out a squeal.
even though you call it a celebration katsuki knows it'll be the same charade as usual. you'll drink until you pass out and he'll bring you home. he'll help you clean up and take you to bed and have breakfast made for your hungover ass in the morning. but this time, you'll be his. and to katsuki, that's worth so much more than the headache he knows you'll give him.
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