#i became what i loathed
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GUESS WHO'S STILL ALIVE AND INTO VILLANOS?
But I'm a NSFW artist now :)
#kinda funny ngl#i became what i loathed#but i aint complaining#my art#villanos#villainous#mawrasite#miss heed
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sometimes, i think about how crazy the meoto plotline is
#like. did they *really* just yadda yadda yadda away how they fell in love lmfaooooo#just. the jump from aizo saying ‘i’ll never love you’ in verse one only to be the whipped husband we all know and loathe by the first choru#a n d human sacrifice yujiro going ‘:/ guess i’m wedded off to a demon for my family’ to ‘omg i love my hubby’ in less than a minute.#what do you meannnnnn it just became natural to be around each other every time the snow fell#i stg if this is how they’re gonna make lxl canon play out—#like if they pull a ‘oh yes they always fight… wait yeah they’re now dating; they started going out some time ago. yup.’#especially if they hit us with the ‘oh you dont need to know how they got together; trust us! just accept that they are idiots in love ok’#five bucks says that lxl has always been canon the entire time and that they’re only gonna ‘confirm’ it with a wedding mv in 10 years time#‘wdym you’re surprised that they’re getting married? they’ve already been dating all this time’#a n d that’s enough interwebs for the night. fingers crossed that i dont dream of my air conditioner melting into lava again#gn guyssss anyways stream meoto
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What this fic claims to be: Two characters forced to face their mental demons and take the first steps towards understand themselves and each other
What this fic will actually be: A series of character analysis essays thinly disguised as a story
#WIP#TSAMS#I'm sending Sun and Eclipse to therapy together!#and by therapy I mean I'm gonna be analyzing the SHIT out of Sun and Eclipse's relationship to one another and to Moon#most noteably what Eclipse represents to Sun and why he became deadset on killing him after he snapped#and what Moon represents to Eclipse and how Moon's self-loathing carried over into regular loathing#and how Eclipse feels like he was sacrificed for Moon to improve himself#the hardest part is not getting too 'mouthpiece' with some things like Sun killing Bloodmoon#cos i have Opinions on how the show handled that but! gotta keep the narrative integrity!#also this is a fic of acknowledging what the issues ARE so they can start working on them#unfortunately this does mean that I'm gonna have to watch the show from Bloodmoon's death up to Eclipse getting the star at least#as well as some of the older eps#yaaaaay 8'D
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I'm really sorry you and your sister are dealing with that
(no pressure to publish this, not that there should ever be pressure to publish an ask if you don't want to, of course, but just wanted to say I hope you're doing okay)
Ah, thank you, anon, it's okay. It's been a while now (court moves slooow), but we're getting hopefully close to the end. She filed in Family Court December 2022, and we've had about five interim hearings with final trial (finally) scheduled over four days next month, so fingers crossed! But yeah, it's been A Time. He's financially and emotionally abusive against my sister, and both those things as well as medically negligent against their children (who are only six and eight and both have special needs), so it's been....rough. To say the least.
But on a lighter note, have one of my new favourite photos I took of my nephews at the jellyfish enclosure at the aquarium last month!
#i DO feel like i have an honourary family law degree at this point haha#and i think i've got at least three different creative projects that are coming out of it because the levels of insight#you develop#is just#yes#wow#A Lot#i hhaaaated the idea when i was younger that you became a better writer as you get older#like i think i genuinely did have this mindset like age has nothing to do with talent#and i kind of do still think that#i think there are young writers who are wildly good#but it's also impossible to articulate the absolute wilderness that is humanity that you get deeper into as you age#that makes me sound a hundred lmao i'm 33#but i think in particular there's this pivot point when the people you love start to have families of their own with people who are#so removed from your way of being#and sometimes that's amazing and sometimes that's awful#and what comes out in the wash of that is just a perfect mix of generational trauma AND generational enabling#privilege and expectation and mindsets around familial roles#and the sudden and horrible reveal that you have had children with a man who will be diagnosed a destructive narcissist#and who will reject the idea of your children having disabilities because how could he - a perfect man - father children with disabilities#and will turn all that loathing onto a woman he once said he loved because he decides she is the defective one who gave him broken children#which is literally how he thinks#it's soooo#yeah#anyway my sister is amazing and my nephews are perfect#and honestly it's been special in a lot of ways because y'know i'm a middle child she's my big sister#and we've had a tumultuous relationship over the years but this has honestly made us closer than we've ever been in our lives#and i'm proud of that but i'm really proud of the relationship i have with those little boys#and i think need hope we're going to win and she'll be able to move herself and the boys here even as the odds are stacked against us SO#i WILL also be calling on the universe / heavens / everyone's good vibes next month
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Alright, I see, my first mistake was referring to the Casey of the Dark Place as Alan's "familiar".
#fannish#Alan Wake (Remedy)#Alan Wake#Fictional Alex Casey#CaseyWake#I am a fool for doing this to myself#hey real quick#what if in my doubt and self-loathing I made a vessel for all my heroic qualities that had your face and your voice#Which then became a part of me again#through the repetition of service#a fragment of my own soul and an extension of my body
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girl seriously read up on some emotional intelligence. this self loathing angsty shit is NOT CUTE! the only men you are attracting are ones that will take advantage of you. you should be comfortable alone!! you are the catch!!
im confused bc im not trying to be cute for u....? im venting... and if u dont think that or who i am is cute then that just means we're different ppl. like when i see someone be self loathing and angsty i dont think mean thoughts abt them, idk my brain just isnt wired to be irritated w ppl for what i think is "living incorrectly". also i do read sm, i read abt everything bc the psychiatric system wont help me even when i've contacted them once a month now for 8 months. but no matter how much i read i cant rewire my brain. plussss loneliness affects and damages your psyche.... thats a real thing actually 🥴 anyway... whatever i didnt know what to say to this so i just started rambling.. my bad 🧍🏻♀️
#since i have avpd i wouldnt let anyone close enough to me to take advantage even so thats not a problem ☹️#ask#sorry but even society and the healthcare system shows me that im worthless and dont deserve help#so like if everyone shows me how worthless i am why would i not be full of self loathing....#im not a superhuman w super strength im just a weak little girl who cant stand against anything 😔#idk why im rambling all i want is a bf/gf but all i've got is this stupid ass blog where other ppl judge me constantly#but i still cannot shut up or not share my every thought bc i feel like im going crazy bc i cant relate or connect to anyone#and society is cold and cruel and just makes me angrier and angrier#i get why the joker became the joker like to me that's not even a villain#what do ppl think will happen when u isolate and alienate and completely turn your back on someone and leave them alone to fend for themselv#ok anyway can i shut up now thanks i dont want another 'i aint reading all that'#bc im writing this for myself bc i need to get my thoughts out all i know is to have monologues#i couldnt have a dialogue if it so would kill me
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Lumity is very cute but it seems like the kind of ship that would have a fandom so toxic it'd make you dislike the ship in time and I think that's sad.
#possibly because it's so ''pure'' like#the spiciest thing that happened between them was Amity being rude for like 1/3 of s1 maybe?#and a lot of baby puritans online like to cling to these ''unproblematic'' ships to feel super morally superior and whatnot#tbh while watching toh I was thinking ''mmmm how could a fanfic make lumity MORE dramatic? what situations could make them WORSE''#my conclussion is that more internalized homophobia would really make it shine#for me specifically. to appeal to my own personal tastes#tbh the lack of conflict became a bit boring after a while like there were times i wanted amity to throw luz out the window#that girl is a compulsive liar she can't ever say things straight even when there's no reason to lie 😭 and i love flawed characters#and i understand amity being tremendously loving and forgiving and understanding is a valid character trait#but like girl 😭 not even one fight? i wouldn't have that patience 😭😭😭 sometimes fights are good#i see so many people celebrating it's ''healthiness'' (if that's a word) and i just feel like. is that what appeals to you?#is that what you find fun and exciting? is that what keeps you at the edge of your seat?#personally i need amity to get psychologically abused by her mom soooo bad it destroys her relationship with luz. like with willow but worse#MORE misunderstandings MORE heartbreak MORE abuse MORE drama#and if you could add some self-loathing and SHAME there it'd be beautiful#i'm not talking about the show. the show is fine. i'm talking about the fanfic i'm gonna spend the next two hours looking for on ao3#btw this is just me talking about my personal tastes and everyone is allowed to like whatever they like. if you like less drama that's cool#like i don't know you and my opinions on your tastes are actually zero
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I know I'm not the first person to say it, but the fact that Ouyang cuts off a body part from Zhu Chongba, expecting that it will lead to the same shame and humiliation, both internally and externally, as when one of his body parts was cut off....but then it doesn't
No wonder he hates her. No matter what he does, she'll always be seen and respected as more of a man than he ever could be and she isn't even one
#though its a bit unclear to what extent ouyang knows or understands zhu's gender wackery#like zhu absolutely recognizes ouyang as someone else not entirely fitting a gender binary#and ouyang feels the same 'like calls to like' so i wonder what he thinks is going on with her gender pff#my post#she who became the sun#ouyang is just a ball of self loathing oof#ouyang thinks the worst punishment is being left alive but zhu wants to live more than anything else in the entire world
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Saw a bad Mochijun take, lol.
#dee p thoughts#genuinely dislike vague posts and/but I dont want to put a person on blast but like#''alice became irrelevant'' quite frankly the plot revolved and wouldnt exist in the first place without alice nadfbjkldan#I can get behind the idea that the plot is less EXPLICITLY about her lategame and mochijun frankly wasnt perfect about writing girl#characters (sincerely Id say the PERFECT done ones are only lacie and echo; the rest struggling with either disappearing quickly a la#vanessa and marie relegating to supporting/supplemental to male characters roles a la sharon ada shelly and/or funky in execution a la#lottie lily and alice) but literally. the plot goes from ''who murdered her?'' to ''why did she die that way?'' and that means EVERYTHING#EVERYTHINGGGGGGGGG!!! OZ IS RIGHT HERE!!!!!!!!! frankly should more have happened with her lategame YES!!! but she frankly CANNOT BE#IRRELEVANT EVERRR- lots to think about in terms of the girls' character writing in PH lottie really gets me a ton in terms of what was trie#that I could see and what didnt happen and the mild disappointment and the potential LOTTIE IS SO COOLLLLL but her intro. ack and more-#GENUINELY GOOD I COULD SEE THE ATTEMPT AND WHERE IT WAS TRYING TO GO A TO B MAKES SENSE AND IS ULTIMATELY HEARTFELT BUT THE EXECUTION WAS S#OOOOOO not the best lol. like her a ton cute design could/wished it could be better- lily is perfectly serviceable but relegated to being#cute and reactive after her moment which works but more would be better/coolerrrrr#hated levi. this point is irrelevant but I just remembered him and I loathe his ass. choke.
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to a certain degree i don't think there is such a thing as purely internalized and internally directed bias. i don't think directing bias at yourself is morally much better than directing it at others it's just a lot harder to stop. that said, as soon as your self cruelty begins to affect anyone else it's just cruelty. a gay man being homophobic is not any more justifiable than a heterosexual man. then again, maybe this entire way of thinking shows a lack of compassion for myself and is a form of bias.
#Idk I'm being mean to myself about capacity and ability stuff.#I'm. Very aware I still hold a lot of ableism. I really really try treating others with kindness and like noticing when something is an#Ableist impulse and seeing it looking at it and letting it go. And I think I usually do a good job. I do. But it's so much harder when it's#It's me and there's no other expert on my experience and my normality than me and I just don't trust me to. Actually know what's going on#Idk I think ableism is the most active unlearning I'm having to do. With both racism and queerphobia it was very gradual#Fatphobia I feel like i never really like. Took in. Idk why and obviously there's some just straight up misinformation that I'm correcting#But that's all so different#Learning about ableism was such a huge thing for me and it helped me let go of so much self loathing and all that all at once#And to also just be kinder to the people in my life. Like significantly. I think I'd be an absolute pos if not for the autistic community#But like. I feel like I've hit a plateau and there's just. Part of this belief system that's just. My character at this point and I don't#I don't know that I'll ever be able to get over it and I think it makes me a bad person or at least a worse person like. In an unfixable wa#Maybe I need to think of myself like the world. Where I don't think an ideal utopia can be built but that just means we have to keep trying#And get as close as possible and watch all the lik e easy fail points carefully and mend and repair.#Like part of the reason I could let go of self hate is just that I genuinely became a significantly better person#Not just the internalized ableism part but the external butt they're the same kind of anyways right#Idek it's 1am
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GRRRR. thinking abt my middle school ocs
#what if you were a priest so profoundly invested in your faith out of self loathing and hatred for the world around you#that you threw yourself into your beliefs and were so close minded because you couldnt allow yourself to care as deeply about others as you#did before. because you cared so much about so many things it broke you. so you closed off and stopped caring and devoted yourself.#and what if you found a reason to care again. one fateful day you found someone who wandered in and became your reason to breathe.#and what if he made you want to be better.#he made you remember how to live life without fear paralyzing your every bone... he was your reassurance.#AND WHAT IF HE TAUGHT YOU TO OPEN YOUR MIND TO THE WORLD AND OPEN YOUR HEART TO OTHERS#and you opened your heart to him. in subtle bitter-sounding ways that were always laced with adoration#the immense love you felt for that man who taught you how to be you.#he was always nothing but purely himself... and he helped you find comfort in doing the same.#anyway. anywayanywayanyway. this is not profound nor interesting but every time i think about them i go fucking crazy and need to get it out#the griphold those two have on me. impenetrable#gabriel is like the embodiment of my religious trauma & guilt complex & ocd#anyway. god damn#✨
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how are you ruined?
ruined by trauma
you cannot get over the past. you are constantly remembering, never forgetting. you cant live in the moment because the moment is not what brought you here. you are birthed, raised, and killed in the past. you will never get over what was done to you, be it big or be it small. you cannot escape what you refuse to confront.
tagged by: @honorhearted sort of ;)
tagging: anyone
#// at first i was like 'nah' to the tr.auma part of this#but tbh it actually does work#i always forget that technically the whole character arc of molly in my fic is that she's cast into homelessness and#financial instability as a historical woman single in her mid to late 20s#she loses her possessions her home and her protection all in the span of a couple of days#and all she has to fall back on is her work at the tavern that she sort of didn't pay much attention to until she was forced to earn a wage#for her own survival#and idk essentially my fic became a character study about a woman always powerless#like it never really mattered what molly did#she was always a product of her historical time period and by extension she could never quite live up to her full#potential like she might in a modern timeline#in a proper modern timeline her background would have been completely different#and she wouldn't be bitter or self loathing#of herself#but if she had a proper modern background it would also change who she is as a character#and idk; she's probably the only oc i've ever made that i'm still fond of all these years later#i made her back in 2020 and even though she's evolved in some ways she's the same character i set out to write all that time ago#molly strong.
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Did I spend almost two hours trying to figure out character moves on street fighter IV?
HAHA. NOo..
#random post#...yesss...#I’m in. pain#no I <3 didn’t figure out all of the super moves <//3#I did accidentally do some kinda special finishing move with Abel#and that only happened cus me and my brother discovered how to taunt and I was laughing so hard I pressed all the right things 😭#and I fuckin LOATHE playing as Abel 😭 cus!! I could never button mash and do anything!#anyways enough of me hating on the French guy with the. nose that doesn’t match his picture LMAO#I became VERY aquatinted with Bison. like VERY#his teleport thing is fucking!! stupid tho!! (mad cus I can only do it randomly and I literally CANNOT do it on purpose)#but I like. taught myself how to grab and throw ppl so that’s fun#will I be able to use any of the skills I discovered against a human opponent as apposed to a cpu? we’ll see <_<#anyways if u want my hot takes on street fighter and / or mortal kombat. hit up my inbox ;)#fighting games have a special place in my heart#even if I have literally no idea what I’m doing and just go head first into a button mash offensive#they cool they cool#mortal kombat Armageddon was my first fighting game#my dad got for me when I was like. in the first grade LMAO#let me say. fatalities are WAY easier to do on the wii (little me found it fun to act out ripping a guys heart out <3)
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I dont understand hate reading until i remember when i was a teen i would stay up to date with kaichou wa maid sama's manga even though i fucking hated it
#i liked misaki and maybe sone other character i think?#but i absolutely loathed usui. at first it was like whatever but the more i read the more insufferable he became#i realized how bad it was when she was having a moment tm with other guy that had tried to sa her on one of the first chapters i think#and i was like '...wait hes treating her way more nicely than the main guy' and then got pissed off when usui appeared to 'save' her again#like#☹#i did read a lot of bad shojo when i was younger because i thought it would get better#but what bothered me of usui was how 'perfect' they tried to make him out to be even though he was a jerk#disclaimer i did enjoy it at first specially since i just ignored anime bs but it just got so tiring after a while#i am a little curious on how it ends but idk if enough to actually read that stuff again lol
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@voidlesslove said : I'd love to see Kaeya with the traveler as his mate. They'd immediately clock his scent as Inteyvats and depending on which it is would share theirs with him.
(Side note I can totally see the traveler as a beta)
『 Related to this || Accepting 』
YES! 🥹
#voidlesslove#☆ ┆ ( .ooc. );#answered#//Love the idea of him panicking over them clocking his actual scent; even if they bring it up in private#//Trying to brush them off; trying to scramble out of it bc who KNOWS if they'd hold it against him#//Only for their own scent to waft over him and calm him (bonus if it's smth similar or has an Odd edge to it; bc they are an Outlander#but that very detail abt it is what HELPS bc it almost feels familiar to him (he'd dare even say it almost felt as though they were#'True Mates'...but how prepostorous would that be? An Omega being True Mates with a BETA? It's unheard of! And yet he almost dares HOPE-)#//He can't immediately identify it; is too caught up in them reassuring him they won't say anything abt it; in steadying himself#//Maybe it's not until they're closer; perhaps around the time of his 'hangout' or after Cari.bert when they decide to become proper 'mates#//And THAT'S when Traveler shares their scent with him; what it is; lets him Properly bask in it rather than indulge faint traces of it#//Because ever since he's gotten a soft spot for them before they left Mond; every time they saw him; he was Exceedingly clingy#//Longing for that little scent that seemed to set his restlessness at ease–as if his body really CHOSE them as his mate#//Kae prolly brushed it off like nothing at first; thinking he was just clingy for a new friend. Never minding how much he Hated them#smelling like others they'd encountered (esp Venti; who likes to scent them for friendship And bc he wanted to play matchmaker for em)#//Prolly helped lead them to tentative courting; over letters; during festivals Traveler would return for. Long distance being so PAINFUL#//And every reunion feeling like the most powerful sense of relief; like finally able to release a bated breath held fast#//I like to think they are VERY bitey mates. Bc Traveler can't really 'claim' him in a traditional sense; but they can sure Mark him#//& vice-versa. & he absolutely leaves them utterly covered in his pheromones each time they part; hoarding things they left their scent on#//Heats get really tricky for them; bc being a Beta; they can't really Satisfy his Urge at the time#//But he doesn't care; would ask them to utterly flood his nest/the place with their pheromones and help him through it anyways#//He'd rather do that and feel a little discomfort than have to resort to bringing an Alpha into the mix. Would LOATHE that#//Still; Traveler being with him Definitely helped him through his heats better than other Beta partners he's had before#//Okay; this was a hc spam whoops fjgbfg. Okay last one; he ONLY ever nests in their teapot. & prefers to spend his heats in there#//THAT'S how comfortable he would feel with them; even before they properly courted/became mates
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i completely let the gender thing go btw its really crazy i know its still in there somewhere and sometimes for a split second it overwhelms me and then the next second im normal again like Woman seeking husband msg for info
#crazy i used to be like i AM a man i WILL BE a man#like no baby we need the bills paid....Put on the outfit and giggle#im at peace with it mostly. its tolerable#my body is still revolting to me but its more a pure self hatred self loathing thing now and less a I need a cock NOW#thats still there though. Somewhere#we jus dont think about it peace and love#to be honest its cause i liked that man so much and he wanted a woman so thats what i became again#n then he left and now im just here like. Hello. Can anyone hear me. Where am i#but le sigh we cringe on
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