#i can feel myself getting a cold rn and i should sleep but

[blublublujk]

bound 2 (falling in love)

oneshot

word count: 6.5k

genre: fwb to lovers

pairing: yoongi x reader

summary:

You and Yoongi were okay with being friends with benefits... until you weren't.

warnings: i tried to focus on fluff (did you catch it or did i fail), explicit sexual content; unprotected sex (they make love to each other), choking and breath play (hello it's yoongi), multiple orgasms, slight overstimulation, crying (is it really my ff if there's no crying involved), creampie, very cute aftercare and i think that’s all, this is more sweet than anything lol

a.n: believe it or not this wasn't apart of my drafts i wrote this all one night because i couldn't sleep so thank my insomnia for this, it was about time i write about yoongi :D

also i noticed a lot of you are reading it was destiny and love always wins and i wish you guys wouldn't only because i plan to rewrite some of it and continue them at a further time (chaptered ffs are so hard for me rn since i don't have all the time in the world to dedicate myself to them but i promise to be back with those two series) thank you for everyone who takes time to read what i write it really means so much and your comments have been so motivating. thank you so fucking much for 2k notes on good girl, gone bad i havent seen numbers like that ever im so so grateful, thank you from the bottom of my heart. i'll try to be back one or two more times this month and happy late birthday to me hehe <3

—> m.list

—> welcome me on ao3 & twt

—-

It happened again.

Another failed date to add to the sad list of people that simply will never workout for you.

The list was growing longer as months passed. When you started this list, it was barely the start of a very hot summer. Probably the hottest it’s been in years, one can only assume the winter will not be any easier. 

And you were right. Winter was only beginning and it was brutally cold. The streets were moist from the previous night of harsh rainfall. 

What better time to date and settle down than now. When the world gives you rain, settle for the warm arms of a lover.

Unfortunately, you made a grave mistake thinking this would come easy. Ten first dates later and you are still very single and loverless. 

It is not easy to go out during a time like now, suffering at the sight of happy couples and their stupid happy lives. Really, it should disgust you. It used to. The whole concept of devoting your entire life to someone. The need to constantly feel the tender touch of another person. The desire to fall in love and do it all over again, you get it now. At least, you think you do. 

“I don’t think this is gonna work.” The words fall from your mouth in a quiet rush. The man across you sits in silence before he smiles in his loss. 

“Don’t worry, I figured. It seems your mind was elsewhere. I know you don’t want to pursue anything romantically, and that’s fine with me, but is everything okay?” 

Is everything okay? Well currently, yeah you’re okay. As for your heart, it’s heavy and strangely, you feel there’s a hole in your chest and it needs to be filled. That would fix things, you think. You have been single for so long that you forgot what it was like to love and cherish someone. Not that you have ever truly loved or cherished anyone, but you’ve gotten close. If a silly relationship you had in your sophomore year of high school counts. Then yes, you’ve totally been in love. 

“I’m okay. Thanks for asking. I didn’t mean to lead you on, if it ever felt like I did.” The apology seems bitter in your mouth. Another failed fucking attempt. How difficult can dating be? Have you really been this disconnected with the world around you? 

“Don’t stress it! Things happen. I hope you can find what you’re looking for. See you… around?” The man’s understanding response makes you feel worse. Maybe you should consider deleting Tinder and finding love naturally, if that’s still a thing in the contemporary life. 

“Yeah, totally!” And like that you’re off to the next. Giving yourself plenty of time to bathe in your disappointment and miserably cry about your failed attempts at finding what you’ve been missing. Who knew dating could be so difficult?

The walk back home is just as cold as the outcome of today’s date. Your date insisted he could drive you home and if not that then pay for a cab, but you didn’t live too far from the restaurant you both met at. Though he insisted, you figured this walk could refresh you after yet another failure. You were starting to regret it as the cold wind started roughly hitting your skin. Preserving the chilly weather, you genuinely couldn’t wait to get home and wrap yourself in a bundle of warm blankets and comfortable clothes. 

Cold hands struggle to open your door, you blow on them with warm puffs of breaths, soon making your way in and getting comfortable in your humble apartment. 

yoon: you up?

And that, that is what made this harder. The fact that you knew there was someone completely capable of loving and caring for you the way you desired. You have seen it with your own eyes. Every time you ended up in his bed, in his arms, you felt it. Deep down you know something is there and that something beats everything else. Maybe you’re just delusional, but you look for him in everyone else and you hate it. Hate because you will never be anything more than his personal little whore that comes at the sound of his call. 

me: yeah

Normally, you aren’t dry over texts, especially not with him so he’ll see right through you. You’re hoping for once, he can ignore it. 

He won't. 

yoon: you ok?

me: been better

yoon: wanna talk about it?

me: no, i'm ok

yoon: ok, wanna come over? 

Yes, because during a time like this all you want is the comfort and warmth of someone else’s touch and Yoongi has never failed at giving that to you. But he is not yours.

And you are not his. 

me: not feeling well. sorry.

yoon: sick? 

A white lie never hurt anyone. 

me: yeah, throat hurts

yoon: im sorry 

me: it's not your fault maybe another time.

Though you really shouldn’t say that. There should be no next time. That way you don’t suffer any longer and drag him down with you, considering everything you’ve been feeling and dealing with lately. It’s not fair to Yoongi, but especially yourself.

He doesn’t reply anymore and you can’t even hide your disappointment. You aren’t disappointed at him, okay maybe a little bit at him, but mainly yourself and your recently found complicated feelings. 

You and Yoongi started this whole mess a year ago, before you even realized what you truly wanted. It started off with subtle flirting here and there. They say not to mess with coworkers, given that it can complicate things at work and one should never play with their main source of income, but you did it anyway. You are still young and he only made you feel younger, like a teenage girl crushing over her forbidden crush at church. It was silly, but Yoongi made it easy. 

The flirting turned to one thing, then another. 

“We shouldn’t, not here.” Yoongi had you pinned outside the club you both worked at, leaving trails of wet kisses down your throat.

“Five more minutes.” His words were muffled into your skin as his hands explored your body. Yoongi’s touch was always way too soft for his own good and you fell victim to his deadly warmth. 

“If Mr. Kim finds out, he’ll kill us and fire us both.” That was a bit dramatic on your part and you swore you felt the taller smiling against your neck.

Yoongi drops one last kiss on your cheek as his hot breath hits your ear. “Not if I kill him first.”

You gasped, pushing him off you with a quick smack to his chest. “D-Don’t even joke like that.” 

Yoongi just laughed. 

“Okay, okay baby.” The term of endearment fell from his lips too easily and you melted into the dark night. “See you after work?” 

You only nodded, not being able to deny his temporary warmth and sweet presence. Then he dropped a kiss on your lips, leaving you just as quick as when he first found you. You were fucked.

From there, it only got worse for your sake. Your heart could only take so much. 

Really, you should blame things on him. It was his fault you fell in love with him and his stupidly soft hands. It was all his fault! He left you no choice but to love the feel of his lips against your skin, to easily melt under his soft gaze, and find comfort in his unnecessarily warm bed. Yoongi was perfect. Everything you could ever want. 

That’s why it was so fucking hard. Dating was hard enough, but after feeling Yoongi’s intimate touch, you were a complete goner. Though he was far from it, Yoongi touched you like you were his and he would fuck you like a lover would. Kissing and making love to you as if you were the most beautiful woman on Earth. It was all too much. 

Fuck, you really needed to get a grip.

The knock on your door makes you jump from your couch. 

Ten minutes longer and you would have fallen asleep exactly where you were lying. In outside clothes and all. You didn’t even bother taking off the outfit you had carefully planned thinking that this lucky outfit would have finally taken you somewhere. It didn’t. 

“Coming!” There’s not a single person that should be outside your door, especially at this hour. Your feet make their way to the door regardless and the blood from your face drains when you see the person standing behind the door. 

Quickly, you unlock your front door, rushing the taller inside. “Hurry! It’s freezing! What are you doing out here?” 

Yoongi’s cheeks are surely frozen, a pink dust decorates his cheeks and the tip of his nose. It almost makes him look cute. You were far more gone than you imagined. 

He hustles inside, carrying a fairly large brown bag with him. He brought… groceries? 

“Took you long enough.” The taller one makes himself at home, laying his bag on your coffee table. 

“What are you even doing here?” You ask again. 

He ignores you. “Thought you said you were sick. You don’t look very sick?” 

Yoongi looks at you with a questioning look, his eyes wander your outfit and guilt starts eating your insides. 

You cross your arms, an attempt to hide yourself in shame, but what’s done is done. “I- I had plans.” 

“Yeah, I see that.” He simply says, standing awkwardly in your living area. 

If this doesn’t convince you to delete that forsaken app for the sake of your dignity and shameful behavior, you don’t know what will.

“Anyways, w-what brings you here?” 

“Brought you some stuff.” His hand waves over to the bag he carried inside. 

“Stuff?” You question, a bit dumbfounded, planted still in your place.

“Tea, cough drops, some soup I made earlier this week. Oh and flowers.” Yoongi doesn’t seem at all embarrassed or fazed about the situation. Not that he should be, but he speaks with a puff to his chest, as if he wanted to ensure you understood his every word and action. Like any concerned lover would be. As if he was yours and you were his.

Oh.

This was so so bad. For you and your weak heart. Fuck.

“I-“ 

He cuts you off before you even get to speak. “I don’t know if you’ll like it. It’s just some plain seaweed soup. Usually helps me when I’m sick. I’m not sure what flowers you like, or if you even like flowers. Do you? Their tulips. I did a bit of research before. My mom likes tulips. I figured you might like them too.” 

He did research? Double fuck! 

Yoongi was nervously rambling, now he was slightly embarrassed. Pink flushes his cheeks and it wasn’t the weather’s doing this time. 

“Yoongi…” You start breathlessly and in disbelief. 

“What?” He nearly stutters, his hand is shaking. He’s nervous. Who would have thought? 

“Why.” Is all you manage to ask. 

“You were sick.” Is all he replies. As if things were really that simple. What next? Would he come rushing to the hospital if you suddenly fell ill? God forbid, but it was a valid question. 

What was going on? For a second, you entertain the idea. Maybe he fell in love between the blurry lines of this complicated relationship. Were the shared intimate memories too special for him to forget too? You weren’t sure anymore, but what did this all mean? Maybe he loves you, as much as you love him.

Thoughts keep spinning and you wish there was an easier way to turn off your brain. Not now.

“I know, but why? Why all this? Why for me?” Your vulnerability is showing and it makes you feel weak. Maybe your hands are shaking too. 

“I don't understand?” Yoongi searches for the answer in your glossy eyes, he’s tempted to reach out and comfort you. Have you in his hands, but he’s too coward. He doesn’t want you to feel the shiver of his touch right now. His vulnerability peaks through as well. 

Why not you? It’s always going to be you. 

“I-I’m nothing to you.” There’s a shiver again and then you break. 

Yoongi doesn’t care anymore. He’ll consider the consequences later. Right now, none of it matters.

His hands hold your face, ready to wipe the tears that threaten to leak from your precious eyes. He hopes his hands aren't cold anymore from standing outside for so damn long, but he couldn’t stop himself, in his selfishness and all.

His hands shake slightly, trying to stay strong as he lays it all on the table. “Y/N, you’re everything to me.” He whispers, eyes never leaving yours.

You lay your own hands on his, you feel so delicate around him when you wrap warm hands around his cold wrists.

“I-I am?” You ask between sniffles. His hands are still pretty cold, but they’ll soon warm up against your soft skin. Nobody knows how desperately you need to be touched until you are and then it’s like little fireworks spark inside your body. It consumes you in the best way possible.

“Of course. I thought I made that obvious.” His eyes are soft, different to how he typically looks at you, but you’ve seen these same eyes before. They are no stranger. It’s similar to the look he gives you when you catch him staring at you while you are deep in work. He pretends to look away as if he wasn’t admiring you from afar and you pretend that you don’t notice his curious eyes. It’s the same look he has after you both end up in heated makeout sessions, behind the rusty club you both work at. And it’s definitely the same look he has while he settles on top of you, whispering sweet words of praise and promise.

Nothing should feel different but it just does, there’s something in the way he looks down at you that lets you know that everything you’ve been searching for has always been right here. Right where you’ve been all along.

The taller leans in and you freeze struggling to keep your eyes on his. Yoongi’s thumb brushes against your cheek with a soft touch. You were fragile between his hands and he’s willing to do anything to keep his precious flower safe. “Can I kiss you?” 

“Yes. Please.” You whisper back in a hurry, scared that this would be nothing but a dream. It wasn’t time for you to wake up yet.

His eyes zero-in on your lips and then he’s kissing you. It’s not much different from other times. After all, you guys have shared plenty of kisses, probably more than you should have considering you guys were friends with benefits, at most. But this time, the kiss isn’t just a careless lust-filled doing, no this time the kiss is a promise. The promise to never again allow you to question his feelings and intentions towards you. 

If Yoongi has to spend his whole life making this up to you, he simply would because that’s how much you meant to him. He can’t believe he even let this go on for this long. He should have been more clear and careful, but he doesn’t regret a damn thing. Not when he has all the time in the world to repair the time lost. And especially not when his reckless actions led him to this. To you.

Yoongi’s lips are soft and bend with yours with ease. He takes his time, never in a rush. Especially not when he has you in-hand. 

The taller doesn’t escalate the kiss. He keeps it sweet and gentle, like he always has been. “I’m so sorry baby.” 

Kiss.

“For?” 

Kiss.

Yoongi has the whole world in his hands right now as he looks down into the sparkles in your eyes and he’s never been so sure about anything in his life. “For being a fucking idiot.”

Kiss. 

“It’s okay.” A kiss is shared again. “I was an idiot too. I was just scared that you wouldn’t want that with me.” 

“Want what?” The taller questions, fingers trailing your face, admiring the imperfections and all. 

“A relationship, I mean. You seemed content with how our relationship already was. I was afraid of losing that. Of losing you.” You admit, eyes fluttering at his touch. 

“Of course, I want that. I want that and more. I-I’m not the best with relationships. I’m only saying this because I want to be open and honest with you. There’s not a second you aren’t on my mind. While at work, you are all I can see. In a crowd of a hundred, my eyes always find yours. I don’t know how to explain what you do to me. But I don’t mind. I think if I ever lost that, I would lose my mind. So I’m sorry if I ever made you feel the opposite. There’s so much more I want to say, but I just don’t know how. I want that. I want that so bad. A relationship and whatever more you give me. I might not be the best boyfriend but I’ll do whatever it takes. I- I love you.” Yoongi’s words are heartfelt and he’s so relieved. One because he’s been keeping this in for so long, any longer and he would have exploded, but second because he’s been dying to say those three words. He really does love you and Yoongi doesn’t love many people in life, but if he had to choose, it’s always gonna be you. 

The tears that were creeping on your eye-lids fall prettily down your face, but Yoongi comes to your rescue. He’s quick to wipe them off your pretty face, tempted to kiss them away, but he keeps that in for now. “Y-Yoongi… I love you too. So much. I think I always have. You are so easy to love. The way you look at me, care for me, and always show up for me. That says more about you than anything else. I tried dating to get over what I felt for you, as you can probably tell, but nothing worked. It was so easy, Yoongi. So easy to fall in love with you. You’re perfect and I don’t doubt that you’ll be the best even after all this. I love you.”

“I love you too, I love you. Fuck, I love you.” Yoongi kisses you again and this time he isn’t as gentle. His lips are still soft as ever as they curl around yours. His tongue comes out and you immediately allow access, letting him explore your mouth. The taste is much better now that there isn’t anything you both are holding back. Everything down on the line and you couldn’t be happier. The hole in your heart was never empty, it was just waiting for this exact moment to remind you that you’ve always had it all. 

“Yoongi.” In between breaths you call his name and Yoongi feels his knees lock. “Take me to bed.” 

Yoongi just nods in a trance with the way your tone drips of arousal. A long strand of hair falls on his face when he picks you up with ease off your feet. He takes you to the place he’s had the honor to visit a hundred times before, but it’s different this time, much different. 

In the process of it all, something falls and it causes you both to laugh until you run out of breath. 

“I can’t believe that just happened.” You laugh into his ear. “You owe me a new lamp. My mother bought me that, you know. House-warming gift.”

“Fuck, sorry.” Yoongi mumbles near a whisper as he grips you harder like he’s afraid he might drop you next and the idea makes you giggle because you know he would never purposely hurt you. “I’ll apologize to your mother directly. Buy you and her a new lamp, whatever it takes.”

“What makes you think you are meeting my mother?” You tease with a smile on your face, watching the blush rise on his cheeks. 

“Well, I figured we could, you know, if you would like–” Yoongi doesn’t often get shy about many things but he can’t keep calm around you and that kills him softly.

“I’m just teasing you.” You say and he bites his lip. “Of course you’ll meet my mother and my father and my nosy ass family. I hope you like annoying, persistent grandma’s that stuff you full. My grandma’s the worst of her kind, but she’ll love you.”

“I would love to.” Yoongi simply replies, still whispering as if you guys had to keep quiet or else you’d be in deep trouble. 

“Why are we still whispering?” You whisper back, roaming fingers through his long, gorgeous hair. He needs to remind you to thank his mother personally for insisting he keep his hair long because it made him look pretty and you could never disagree. Yoongi’s so pretty. 

“I-I don’t know.” 

You both smile at each other before sharing another kiss. It’s so sweet and if you weren’t already off your feet, you would be floating by now. He’s gentle when letting you drop into the sheets below, he finds space between your legs and you wrap them around his hips. Lips still in contact, never losing the plushy feel. 

Everything starts to feel hot. Your hips start to slowly grind against his begging for any sort of friction. But the kissing doesn’t stop. 

Not when you start whining against his lips. 

Not even when Yoongi starts trailing his fingers down your waist and around your curves. He teases his fingertips against your waistline, soft to the touch. 

It’s not until you mewl loudly into his mouth, skillful tongue playing with yours, as you feel him start unbuckling your pants, button-by-button. 

Yoongi’s eyes are heavy-lidded, his gaze burning fire. “Gonna take care of you now, is that okay?” 

You furiously nod, coming up to kiss him once more, both your lips are raw and sensitive, but it gives you more of a reason to fix it with even more kisses. 

He drops one quick kiss onto your mouth before he trails down your jaw. Yoongi breathes in the sweet scent on your skin, wishing he could feel you even closer. “Smell so damn good.”

His voice is raspy against your ear and it makes you blush, while you feel his hand finally touch you where you had been aching with need. “Wanna hear you.”

Breathing lightly, you whisper. “Make me.” 

And of course, Yoongi makes you regret how fast you said the words because he delves his fingers forward with little resistance. Two fingers stretch you at the same time, gasping at the sudden sensation. 

By now, you were molded to fit Yoongi’s fingers. On days where you were really in need, you would take four, all at once. Yoongi was best at reading every expression, every crease and scrunch to your face, especially emotions. He knew exactly how to curve his fingers, the way to build you up, and bring you back down. Yoongi knew it all and he was so lucky too. 

He never anticipated it would have gone this far. It was just sex to begin with. But who were you both kidding, it was always much, much more. 

Yoongi curves his fingers in the way he’s used to and watches your mouth drop, sweet noises soon leaving your lips. “Feels good?” 

There’s no need to ask because he can tell. Your expression tells him everything he needs to know. That and the fact that you are dripping around his fingers but it’s sexier hearing it from you. 

“Yeah… f-feels so good.” With his other hand he tugs your clothes off, leaving you bare on the bottom. Remembering the first few times is a bit embarrassing, but Yoongi always made sure to take his time and make you feel comfortable. It was special and memorable in its own way, and Yoongi felt it too. 

This is unlike any first time, but it was technically the first time you could officially make love to each other until you fall lovesick and that had to be impossible around someone like Yoongi. 

“Hold your legs open for me, flower.” You try to ignore the warm feeling that buzzes in your chest, but you are sure your face says it all. Without another word, you spread your legs open, tucking both hands behind your thighs.

“Flower?” You breathe out with a bit of a struggle as his two fingers continue to pump deep inside you, brushing repeatedly against your g-spot. 

“Do you not like it?” Yoongi smiles slightly, biting his bottom lip while he watches you start to tremble, making the prettiest sounds. 

“I do. Why the new name?” Voice a bit unsteady but it does the job. Yoongi thinks of all the times he thought you were as pretty as a flower, which really was all the time. Especially, in the way he has you right now. Pretty, pretty as a flower. 

“I’ve always wanted to call you that. You’re pretty, sweet, delicate. Just like a flower.” He justifies his reasoning and you melt into puddles. 

“Yoongi.” Voice sweet as honey. 

“Yes baby.” He replies with ease.

“Make love to me, Yoongi.” 

There was a time in his life where Yoongi believed he could live without love. How foolish of him to think so. When he met you, it was a complete three-sixty. Suddenly, Yoongi started to look forward to his shit job. He looked forward to that time between breaks where he could admire you from the back like a pinning loser. Yoongi even started to like the walks he had to take to get to work because he knew that the path would eventually lead to you. He started looking forward to tomorrow's and to the bright future that led ahead. His mom would often complain that he was wasting his life away waiting for it to start, but Yoongi thinks life truly started the day he met you. 

It was a bit awkward because you couldn’t even look him in the eyes, intimated by the staff and new environment. You had previously worked in different bars so you assumed it would be no different and it wasn’t, but the intimidation of a new job was there nonetheless. Yoongi was there every step of the way. He had a crush on the new employee and you needed help on fitting in. Either way, your friendship was very platonic until it wasn’t. 

Yoongi knows he should have said something along the lines “hey, maybe we shouldn't be doing this anymore. I’m in love with you and I have been since you started working here” but the stupid words never made it out. He felt it would be too much to hear and it would only make him look like a complete loser. 

And you felt the same. It was silly really, because everyone around you knew it and there was no reason to fear someone as easy going and non-judgemental as Yoongi, nonetheless it brought you both here. After many failed dating attempts, you were finally happy and in the arms of someone who you truly love and want to be loved by. 

There was a time in his life where Yoongi believed he could live without love, now Yoongi believes your precious, sweet love brought him back to life and he wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. 

Clothes now discarded on the floor, heavy breathing filling the room, and Yoongi could get wasted on the smell of your intoxicating perfume. “Breathe flower.”

Yoongi felt you shiver at the sound of his words, throwing your head back as he thrusts you full of cock. He pushes inside you with gentle movements, struggling to keep himself up while feeling the tug of your warm velvet-like walls. 

You gasp feeling him hit your cervix in a calm, slow pace. It was breathtaking regardless of the gentle rhythm. “You’re so deep...”

“I know flower, breathe baby, breathe.” He is struggling to keep from coming inside you, overwhelmed by his own emotions as your eyes roll back, feeling the pressure rise in your belly. Without a condom, everything feels so different from other times, feeling every ridge and crease fold inside your drenching heat. You take him so nicely, like you always have. Like you’ve always belonged to him. 

You don’t even notice you stopped breathing until you start feeling lightheaded and desperate for fresh air. Breathing just as much as necessary so you don’t faint, you shake your head against his hold, his eyes watch yours, observing with curiosity. 

“No?”

“Mm, n-no.” You shake your head again, whimpering when you feel him kiss your cervix with his swollen tip, over and over and over. “Can– can you…”

“Can I what, pretty flower?” Yoongi rolls his hips a bit faster, feeling his orgasm build too quickly. He wishes he could have days with you like this always. Days to love and worship you from head to toe.

“Choke me.” You manage to say. “Don— don’t wanna breathe.” 

Yoongi growls deep, increasing his speed even more, desperate to fill the deepest part of your glistening folds. He feels you tense underneath, the sounds coming from your mouth are loud enough for your neighbors to hear, but Yoongi stopped giving a fuck about everything around him. 

He places a hand on your throat and squeezes gently, not blocking off your airways completely, but leaving you just enough air to work with. It drives you insane. The more you breathe, his rough thrusts take the air out from your lungs and the process repeats. It feels so good.  

“M-more. Harder.” You barely hear your own words, but Yoongi seems to understand because his dick is moving rapidly inside you, nearly splitting you in two. You wrap both hands around his wrist, loving the heavy weight against your chest. It’ll end too soon and it disappoints you in a way, but you have all the time in the world to make this up. “G-Gonna come.” 

Yoongi nods, concentrating on the way your face scrunches with pleasure. With love. The way your eyes tell him a story. God, Yoongi’s madly in love. “Come, my precious flower.” 

With those final words, you come on his bare slick cock, blossoming in the blissful afterglow. Yoongi doesn’t stop thrusting inside you, but he takes his hand off your throat, kissing your face gently when he sees tears start leaking down your cheeks. 

“It’s okay, you’re okay baby. Breathe for me. Slowly.” Yoongi’s words bring you back down and you throw your arms around him, crying against his shoulder. You don’t even know what invoked this strong emotion to sob your eyes out, but Yoongi allows it, caressing the back of your head. Yoongi doesn’t judge, he only holds you until you settle down. “It’s okay baby, let it out. Breathe, pretty flower.” 

“C-Come inside muh-me, please.” Even after all that, you still beg for him and Yoongi wants to laugh but for your sake and the fact that it’s endearing to him, he delivers accordingly without further questions. 

Right as he’s going to paint your walls white, he pushes himself up with one hand, still holding you with the other. “You sure?”

You’re confused about the sudden question, the tears still decorate your face but then you understand. “Birth control. Just come in me Yoongi, fuck me, fu-fuck.”

Yoongi doesn’t hesitate to regain his brutal pace, fucking you with purpose. Not that he doesn’t want kids in the near future, but he sure as hell doesn’t want any right now. He’s glad you are on the same page but maybe one day the conversation would spark and he wouldn’t want the mother of his kids to be anyone else but you. You were perfect for him. 

“Gonna come.” That’s the only warning you get, then he’s emptying himself inside your tight walls. He doesn’t stop rolling his hips, his slit leaking puddles, until he’s pumped himself dry. With one last thrust, he groans and carefully pulls out. 

He brings you with him, head falling against his chest as he continues to play with your hair, leaving kisses into your bare shoulders. “You okay baby?”

“Perfect. Feel so good.” You mumble into his skin, feeling around his waist. “I’m leaking your come into the sheets though.”

“I’ll take care of it, pretty flower.” You nod sleepily into his chest with a quiet ‘thank you’, feeling completely sated and satisfied, aching with exhaustion. “Sleep baby, I got you.”

With that, you fall deep into the shackles of sleep. Yoongi rubs your back until you completely fall asleep in his arms. He struggles to unwrap himself from your hold, but when he finally succeeds, he tucks you in and kisses your cheek a few times before getting up to clean up after the mess you both created. 

He’s light on his feet, bringing a warm towel to your slick folds and wipes as best he can, being gentle so you could continue to enjoy your sleep. Even like this, you look so beautiful and Yoongi is an extremely lucky man. 

Yoongi makes sure to also pick up the lamp he dropped from earlier as well. He blows out a breath of relief when he notices that the damage is nothing big and nothing that can’t be fixed. He’ll make sure to fix that as soon as he can. 

While he’s out there, Yoongi places the tulips into a vase and fills it with water, placing it near a window where it could grow and blossom beautifully near the sunlight. He even cuts the tips into slants because he had heard somewhere online they last longer that way, making sure to get rid of any dead leaves and petals. Yoongi couldn’t be happier.

After he’s done with the light cleaning, he washes his hands and feels the exhaustion hit him tenfold. He’s careful when placing himself back in bed, lifting your arm and placing himself underneath you. The man smiles when he feels you curl yourself around him, sleeping soundlessly. 

“I love you.” He whispers and even though you don’t say it back Yoongi feels it with the way you melt into his arms. Yoongi falls asleep easily that night. 

…

“Baby.” Yoongi hears someone call him and he ignores it. Sleep calls his name louder and he doesn’t feel like waking up right now so he groans and cuddles deeper into the bedsheets below him, unaware of the life around him. 

“Baby wake up.” You keep calling sweetly and it’s tempting but he persists.

“No. Don’t wanna.” Yoongi grumbles like an old man and you can’t help but to laugh. “Just ten more minutes.”

When you woke up the next morning, you were so thankful Yoongi had kept his promise. Your apartment was flawless and you were as clean as you could be. The tulips looked prettier today as the sun shined on the delicate petals. You even had time to warm the seaweed soup he brought from home and you couldn’t wait to get a taste. The smell alone is delicious and it warmed your home up nicely, you truly couldn’t wrap your head around the fact that this was no longer a dream but your reality. You could definitely get used to this. 

You drop kisses onto his warm cheeks until his eyes flutter open, almost similar to a cat. “There you are.”

Yoongi pulls you into his arms again with quiet noncoherent grumbles and closes his eyes once more. “Give me ten minutes.”

“It’s already been ten.” You whisper lightly laughing. 

“Oh. Ten more then.” You get comfortable on his chest and cuddle for a bit longer because you can’t say no to his cute sleepy self. 

Yoongi starts to sniff the air with curiosity. “Is that the seaweed soup I brought you?” 

“Mhm.” You hum. “Better get up soon before it burns.” 

That manages to be convincing enough and Yoongi forces himself up, with you in his embrace. 

“Wanna wake up like that forever.” He says, voice filled with sleep. 

“You can.” 

Yoongi snaps his heavy eyes towards you. “Are you–”

“Move in with me, Yoongi.” Yes, you skipped every step to this, but nothing was ever to code between you and Yoongi. One thing you were so sure of and that was spending the rest of your life with him. “Please.”

“I- yes, of course.” Yoongi wraps his arms around you for a tight hug, kissing your temple. “I love you. I love you and I’ll prove it to you every single day.” 

“I know, I love you too. I love you.” Those three words come out from your mouths so easily and it’s nice that you no longer have to ever hold back. The man of your dreams is in the palms of your humble home and he’s in love with you. This was better than any dream. 

“Let’s eat?” He says after some time of hugging and kisses being interchanged. 

You nod, letting him take you there. Your kitchen is filled with the cruel aroma of food and your tummy rumbles as you sit comfortably while you wait for him to serve you a bowl of the warm tasty soup. 

“I should be doing that. I’m a terrible host.” Yoongi shakes his head while smiling, the fluff of hair moving with him, then your phone dings. “Hold on, give me a second.” 

Your heart drops when you see it is a Tinder notification from a man you promised to get back to. You look over to find Yoongi serving your bowl, making his way to the table. He leans in puckering slightly and you immediately lean into the sweet sudden kiss while he places your meal in front of you. This Yoongi is new because it wasn’t often you could act domestically towards one another, however this was perfect and just what you needed. 

“Everything okay baby?” Yoongi asks while caressing your soft cheek and you immediately nod in his palm. 

“Yes, everything’s perfect.” You reply in awe. “Thank you Yoongi, for everything.”

For letting me love you and for loving me back. 

The older man just smiles and joins you for the meal. 

It turns out you didn’t need Tinder after all. 

You quickly delete the app off your phone and start to eat with the love of your life, conversation flows while you enjoy each other’s presence and fall deeper in love. 

Alike Yoongi, you couldn’t imagine it happening any other way. You were bound to fall in love, one way or another, but that man was meant to be yours as you were meant to be his.

[osleeplessflowero]

Part 2 to Scares And A Sudden Friendship! - Reader goes by They/Them as always. - Bravery soul! 🧡 - Content Warning: Swearing - Horror goes by Sans because this is a Horrortale exclusive timeline. - Recommended to have context from the previous oneshot for this one! - posting while it's raining..hopefully it goes through-

You enter your apartment, tossing your costume aside the moment you enter your room and changing into some comfy pajamas. Looking through some albums, you put one of your favorite CDs into a small radio and let the music play in the background.

..You're not happy. But you also had a lot of fun with..what was his name again?

You hold up your phone, looking at the newly added contact.

'sans' is what it reads. Right, "Sans". Sans the skeleton. The skeleton who helped you scare the shit out of your shitty boyfriend..priceless.

Your thoughts are interrupted by a reply from your soon-to-be-ex. With a deep breath, you look at his message.

[him] (what do u wanna talk abt)>

[you] (you)>

[him] (tf did i do)>

There's a long conversation between you..his messages making you angrier and angrier until you abruptly break up with him, blocking him immediately after.

You don't realize you're crying until you see your teardrops hit the phone, hurriedly wiping them off to avoid possible water damage. You glare at your ex's name. FUCK him. And all of his friends he'd rather spend time with.

You let out a sigh. This might be the worst Halloween you've ever had..

You hear a ding from your phone, looking back down to see a new message, tapping it.

[sans] (heya)> (get home safe?)>

You can't help but smile a little, leaning back and replying.

[you] (yup)> (just dumped him, feelin like shit)>

[sans] (well we all gotta feel like shit at some point)> (its a part of life)>

[you] (thats true)

He sends you some random memes he had saved in his phone from someone he knows, letting you get some laughs.

[you] (so are we still up for getting coffee tomorrow??)>

[sans] (yeah if you wanna)>

[you] (hell yeah i wanna)> (this'll be fun)> (i wanna know more about you mr. skeleton)>

[sans] (mr. skeleton? cmon you can make a better nickname than that)>

[you] (gotta get to know you better first!)>

[sans] (fair enough)> (it's pretty lafe you should be going to sleep rn)> (*late)> (big hands)>

You let out a snicker.

[you] (yeah but i don't really wanna sleep)>

[sans] (if you sleep now you can wake up on time to go get coffee tomorrow)>

[you] (hmmm)> (fair enough- wait what time should we go? and the place??)>

[sans] (i usually wake up late so how does 12 sound? we can just go to that little coffee shop around the corner from the haunted house)>

[you] (perfect i'll see you then :])>

You pass out cold the moment your head hits your pillow, exhausted from the night's events.

Morning soon arrives, the sun rising as you do. You bury your face in your pillow before your alarm abruptly goes off, forgetting why you set it and frowning. ..Before you suddenly remember, jumping up in a tired daze. You rub the sleepiness away from your eyes with your hands, standing up and going to make some of your favorite breakfast.

Your morning routine goes as it usually does, you then approach your closet to figure out just what to wear. It should be something casual, yet warm..you look through your selection, picking out something that feels perfect, looking in a mirror and making sure nothing is out of place.

TIme to go! You rush outside, grabbing your bag on the way out and holding up your phone.

[you] (omw!)>

[sans] ( 👍)>

A cold breeze blows through the air, moving your clothes a little with it. You come to a stop as you reach the coffee shop, looking around for a particular skeleton and running up to him with a wave.

"Hey, there you are! Sorry if I'm late." You smile sheepishly, resting your arms at your sides. The skeleton simply sends a smile your way, shoving his hands in his now clean jacket's pockets.

"nah, you're early. i just got here myself." He shrugs a little.

"Sweet, looks like we're right on time then, huh?" You smile, holding open the door for him. He promptly replies with a "thanks", before walking in and holding the door so it doesn't shut on you.

You both walk over to one of the booths in the back at Sans' suggestion, sitting by the window across from one another. The sounds of cups clinking and very few people talking fills the air, a comforting sound. You can faintly smell the coffee beans in the back, taking a deep breath to take in the scent.

Sans taps his fingers against the table in a rhythmic pattern, his bright red eyelight turning from you, to the window, then back to you.

You sit your bag to your left, resting your elbows on the table and putting your head between your hands.

"So, Mr. Sans..consider this an interview of sorts."

"yikes, haven't had one of those in a hot minute." He puts his other arm's elbow on the table, resting his cheekbone in his palm to somewhat match you. "shoot."

"Alright- first off...why a haunted house?" You raises a brow, genuinely curious why he chose to work there.

"well, you tend to get used to spookin' people when you're a monster that looks like i do. so, why not take advantage of it? maybe get paid in the process. sounds pretty good to me. plus it can be pretty funny if you catch the right person off guard. just look what happened last night."

"Yeah..people shouldn't judge you based on how you look, though. At least, that's what I think."

"weren't you scared too?" He raises a browbone.

"Well, not as much as I could've been. But I've always been like that. Not a lot of things can scare me. Stumbling across you was more fun than scary. 'What will this actor do?', y'know?"

"huh..interestin'. would've assumed based on, ..well..you know. i tend to come across as big 'n scary."

"Not to me." You smile. His eyelight shrinks a little in its socket, before returning to its usual burning state as he smiles.

"Okay, your turn. You wanna ask me anything?" "why'd you end up with that scaredy cat back there? lemme know if that's too personal. i can change it." "No, it's fine," You sigh, lowering your hands so now your arms are fully on the table. "I dunno. We were fine at first, it seemed like he genuinely liked me back..but then he just grew really distant and ignored me a bunch." "well, it's a good thing you're not stickin' with somebody that's wastin' your time, huh?" "Yeah.."

A waitress walks over cheerfully, asking both of you what kind of coffee you'd like. You order your favorite, Sans shrinks down a little in his seat before replying with "black". She walks off, and he visibly relaxes.

"I'm..guessing you're not much of a people person, huh?"

"absolutely not. at least when i'm actin' i don't have to worry about talkin'. i just.. chase."

"I get that. I'm not the best with people myself. ..That's something we have in common." You smile.

"i guess it is, huh?"

A moment passes of comfortable silence between you. The waitress returns with your cups, sitting them down and waving goodbye before walking back over behind the counter.

"So..you have any family here?"

That question piques his interest, a fond smile crossing his face.

"yeah..my brother, papyrus. we're livin' together up here. he's a lot more..energetic than i am. kinda loud since his hearin's not all there. i think he'd like you."

"Really?"

"he's the kind of guy to wanna make friends with everybody, no matter who it is. he always.. sees the good in people." He looks down at the table, his smile still ever present. You can't help but smile too, about the fond way he speaks of him. They must be very close..you'd like to meet Papyrus sometime, if given the chance.

Maybe..

"You think I could meet him sometime? I-If that's too forward, I totally understand, of cour-" "..yeah. i'm sure he'd like to meet a new pal." "A..new pal?"

He nods. Your smile shifts into a grin.

"I'd absolutely like to be pals." "then i guess what's what we are, huh?" "Yeah..I like the sound of that."

The two of you finish off your drinks while you shoot more questions back and forth then exit the coffee shop, bidding each other goodbye. You can't help but feel a little pep in your step as you make your way back home, sitting on your couch and watching one of your favorite childhood movies.

Next

[narzissenkreuz-ordo]

i guess i need some. advice? encouragement? about some stuff thats been happening recently so suicide/violence cw under the cut

i won't go into detail but i had. a very huge emotional/physical/mental breakdown today. where i was just. basically screaming and howling about how suicidal ive been lately. I haven't said anything out loud/via text on the internet abt it because i know saying i want to kms so often is bad for my own well being and ultimately makes other uncomfortable as well

so yeah i've just been. holding all that in. i knew the thoughts were coming in and out the past few months but was just shrugging it off as just being stressed abt the nightmare year i had. but i really was just. lying to myself and others because i didnt want to worry anyone/didn't want to admit how horrible i was doing after a couple years of good progress. but as it stands things are heading into a really bad direction for me rn. its not normal to go to sleep suicidal and immediately be suicidal upon waking up.

I don't really know what i can really do harm reduction wise. i'm unable to have regular visits with a psychiatrist/therapist bc of availability issues + i tend to just. lie. because its easier to say im fine than it is to advocate for myself and get actual help. and even then medication will not save me and coping skills can only go so far if im so deep in it im unable to take care of myself/feed myself/clean myself/eat/etc so none of it is effective enough in the moment. i know it CAN be effective and some of the skills ive learned can help during situational issues but this is really deep rooted improperly treated mental illness and i need a stronger foundation to be able to use any of the skills

i use a means of self isolation to punish myself, because i'm so upset with myself for not being able to pick myself up on my own. people can say im not a burden over and over but theres always gonna be a catch in the end. i freak out because what if this is one of my last meltdowns before they decide enoughs enough and i just get abandoned. again.

I feel like maybe being so Online is making things worse?? but i don't know??? my concentration is completely gone even when trying to use dnd/closing discord completely and im just constantly refreshing social media every 10 seconds and just stew in the bad feelings.

I don't know if just. leaving the internet cold turkey for a bit would do more harm than good.....i dont want to be alone and caught up in my thoughts. but i have a hard time doing things in 'moderation' and don't know how to even begin to roll back my internet/screen time usage

fandom is fun and great. but i dont think i should be using video games as pure escapism or playing them 24/7. im already getting bored and unenthusiastic about the things i like because its ALL i do.... I want to have at least SOME time away from screens. i hate having the impulse the check social media or refresh even 30 seconds (im even doing it NOW) but i just dont know where to begin in cultivating non-screentime hobbies and have the ability to focus on things more long term without having than doing 1000 things all at once to keep myself busy. i play video games muted most of the time, have a yt video playing, sometimes i'll stop mid video game and pull out my ipad while still having the games open, and im always on discord

there's books i still want to read, i eventually want to pick up sewing again. im considering getting a craft set for making those beaded bracelets (my brother gets them from concerts all the time and thinks it would be fun to make them too) but that all requires money

and i just. idk where im going with this rn but. any advice or suggestions or just. words of encouragement would be. really nice rn

[ambcass]

ᴛᴇxᴛ ᴍᴇ, ɪ ᴍɪꜱꜱ ʏᴏᴜ ʙᴀʙʏ || ᴊᴀɪᴍᴇ ʀᴇʏᴇꜱ x ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ

a/n: thank you all for your requests! A lot of the fic is in my drafts rn but I can squeeze in a few more. if u see this, feel free to request smth :) THIS IS MY FIRST DARK FIC

MDNI! DEAD DOVES DON'T EAT

tags: Yandere! Jaime, swearing, female reader, helpless reader, kidnapping, angst, fluff if you squint your eyes, obsessive praise (if that makes sense), drugging, needles, fight scenes, knife, blood, PET NAMES USED (babe, baby, good girl, pretty, ect.) NO HAPPY ENDING😊. OUT OF CHARACTER BEHAVIOR

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Jaime loves you so much. He tells you every day how much he can't live without you being in his life. He clings to you like a lost puppy. Following you where ever you're headed. He tries to calm down when you're talking to another guy. Hell, he hates it even more when that guy you're talking to is one of his friends. After your conversation with Bart ended, Jaime walked up to you two and asked you to wait as he pulled Bart aside before coming back. Ever since Bart doesn't speak a word towards you. You obviously knew your boyfriend had something to do with it.

Later that night you guys had an argument. Like all arguments, he says things like “you wouldn’t leave me if you didn’t care.” , “Where’s the old you”, “C’mon my love, don’t act like this.” You always stayed. He said you were the problem and you believed him. You wanted to change, just for him. Not last night though. He sang the same song but you took it from a different approach. You spoke about possessive he’s been acting but he says that “it’s for your own good.”

You stormed out his house with so much frustration flowing through your body. Should of waited until the morning. You walked out his home and into the cold, dark night. Suddenly your phone kept buzzing. You opened it and it’s Jaime begging you to come back. Pleading you to not leave him but you don’t answer.

My Beetle💙: Eres tan dramatica! (You’re so dramatic) You know I just wnat the best for you… please baby text me back❤️

you ignored him. A few minutes later, your phone rings again.

My Beetle💙: I miss you bebe.

ignored again. At this point you were back home, lying on your bed. It got hot, really hot, but you had no AC nor a fan. Best idea you came up was to open your windows, wide. The air ran through your hair like a Disney princess singing a love song. Once more, your phone rings. This time you took a peak at the message.

My Beetle💙: Stop being for difficult for me. Don’t make me get you myself.

You didn’t think much into it. He has never physically hurt you. So you ignored it and went to sleep. What a mistake you made.

You next woke up to beeping and metal softly clashing to each other. Slowly opening your eyes, a head of dark blue and bright, glowing yellow eyes stared at you. You were about to scream for help but this figure covered your mouth and nose with a piece of cloth. You kicked its stomach, rolled out your bed, and ran straight for the door. Before could run out, you turned back around to glance at your bed. He disappeared from your view and nowhere to be seen

I can run now, you thought. You turned back to the door and POW. A punch directly to the face. You fell to the ground. You, knocked up, on the cold bare floor. Your vision was blurry but you felt two fingers pulled your eyelids down to close them. Before you were completely out, you felt yourself being dragged by foot off to somewhere.

Once you woke up and your vision was starting to clear up, it didn’t take you a long time to realize that you were tied up to a chair in an empty room. You tried breaking free but the ropes were too tight. You shouted,

“Help me! Someone please…” Foot steps slowly creeped behind you. That gradually got louder and louder, until they stopped. You felt a presence lean behind you. Then a tip of a knife was then placed right beside your lip.

“Nu uh. Don’t speak sweetheart, unless you want me to carve this pretty little mouth into pieces” This tender, chilling voice could only belong to one person.

“J-jaime!?” Before you knew it, your cheek to slashed. You didn’t scream but you cried. Cried like a little baby with blood oozing out of you and dripping on the floor. Jaime circled around you until you met your gaze. He lifted your chin.

“Let’s take a look at you, shall we?” He pulled out a white paper napkin and started to wipe the dripping blood from your cheek. “Isn’t that much better, mi amor?” Tears were flooding down your eyes. You had so many emotions packed up but you knew you couldn’t show them. The consequences may cost your life.

He whipped out another napkin and wiped your tears for you. “It’s okay pretty, you’re safe with me…” he wrapped your head around his arms and held you close to him.

“Why are you doing this to me?” Jaime lets go. The blood on your cheek stained on to his shirt. He bends down and kisses your wounded cheek.

“Well, my sweet girl didn’t want to listen to me. She didn’t understand how much I wanted to protect her. She insisted on talking to some other guy but me-“ you cut him off before he could finish.

“He’s your best friend! And I’ve known him longer than you did. I don’t know why-“ you tried to prove your point but he slapped you for cutting him off. Left a red handprint on your face.

“You need to learn how to be a good girl for me,” Jaime said in heartless tone. “So the two of us will just spend some quality’s time with each other. For a very long time.” He smirked when he saw you shake your head nonstop. He had the apprehend here. He had full control of you now. He pulled out a needle with some type of drug in it.

“Please Jaime, I’m sorry. I’ll never talk to any guy but you. Don’t do this, I love you.” You pleaded him to stop but he doesn’t. He slowly circled behind you. He brushed his fingertips starting with your head to your arms. He moved your hair aside and kissed your neck softly. You were so focused on this caring side of him, you failed to notice the fact that he was injecting that needle into your immune system. You got tired. Very tired. Your eyesight slowly blurred up as you fluttered eyes more frequently.

“You’ll be good as new when you wake up, I promise” was the last thing you heard from Jaime before it was all black. Last thing your own conscious heard and felt anything.

[rodolfoparras]

Pinky promise I will write more for the concept of turning homophobic dude into your puppy and breeding bitch as soon as I have time. I also wanted to write you something for your birthday but I genuinely don't have time at all 😔

Since my co-worker is on vacation and we only work one shift (aka mine) I am swarmed the entire day and I have cried from stress nearly every day this week and I basically never cry. Also I had customer yell at me and threaten me two days ago and I was certain he would attack me?? He might've if another customer didn't walk in and it was for his mistake too. And when I tried to tell him that and offer to correct it, he got worse. Thankfully my manager is really nice and he told me I could've called him and police and that I should next time.

I really miss being here and every day and interacting with people but like...I barely see my dog because most of them home is spent sleeping. And the play I'm in is in like two weeks and I didn't have time or energy to properly learn my lines yet and we're supposed that have rehearsals before work next week and ngl I feel like throwing myself off of the building. (And I didn't even start with my final paper for college). Also I had bit of a cold and hell of a sore throat, I could barely speak and it hurt to swallow :((

There was so much I wanted to talk about and comment on but I literally don't have energy to type and I wish I could psychically send my thoughts to my phone. I hope you're doing better than I am though ✨🫶🏻 I'm on a hunt for less stressful job, hopefully something online so I can do it when I start college again this year (after two years).

(and side note but I love the idea of period sex but in reality because of my pcos and other problems, I am in way too much pain to do anything irl which sucks. But there are fanfics and roleplaying 😌 and the anon who mentioned this and said they have vampire thing are so real, me too bestie. And thank you for providing links of my husband, trans Simon is elite)

-🔮

Dw sugar bee!! You pop in whenever you have time!! And besides I appreciate the fact that you wanted to write me something sweet in the first place as we say down there it’s like you already did it so thank you lovey!

Sugar bee :(( that sounds absolutely horrible I’m so sorry angel customer service can be hell on earth especially down in the Balkans they really should have security work alongside cashier bc that’s what they do here you never know what can happen you know it’s okay to feel upset about it and cry it out just rmr that it was his fault and customers in general can be devils my cousin worked at a store for a short period of time and she says every time she passes it she gets physically sick bc ppl can be so nasty

And again like I said pop in whenever you can I understand you’re very busy rn and I hope things become less stressful so you can get some rest and spend time with your baby and of course to pop in here but I also have to say I admire you for balancing a job school and hobbies bc personally I wouldn’t be able to withstand this 😭

I also hope you get a much easier job so you don’t get burn out no offense but isn’t life crazy like you’re doing everything that’s expected of us have a job do school hobbies and you’re on the verge of getting burned out every day I am reminded of the hell on earth this is our society

Fanfics and roleplaying are definitely a good way to go about it! I mean might as well take the chance and have a vampire role play with your partner I mean who said that :/

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

NEW HAVEN WARDS THOUGHTS. ok i have. many. primarily though i would love to hear what fucking. tide's pov of insane tidalwave situation is. or just like. nhw tide thoughts in general!!!! him!! he!!! ok ok gotta go put goats 2 bed brb

AHAAAA HAHA I LOVE YOUUUUUU TIDE LAMBERT. i love you tide lambert. i also am extremely delighted by the fact that you and whiskey both sent me asks at the same time indepenently asking me about tide and mark. awesome little bowl of seeds for me in my inbox. under the cut with you

i haaaaave so many emotions about nhw tide the more i think about him.

i am still so MASSIVELY undecided on the whole clone thing but i do feel so strongly about the endbringer thing i brought up one time. i dont remember the way they are in canon but i have a lot of thoughts about tide and his siblings and their "ages" (magma is the oldest, tide is VERY close second (theyre not twins, but theyre probably only a year or less apart so they are The Oldest as a unit to the others. magma still plays the "im older than you" card to tide though). whirlwind and seismic ARE twins and they have such middle child energy. shockwave is the youngest until elle and has a complex about not being the youngest anymore. elle is the beloved baby girl. trust me i have experience in this this is basically the way my dads side of the family is) . anyway im getting distracted. anyway. tide and magma being the oldest and also being given powers specifically to counter leviathan and behemoth. i have emotions about this !!!! (i actually still dont really know whether behemoth is specifically fire coded but he does sleep in volcanoes so let me dream until worm proves me wrong). so like. even if theyre not clones they still get the whole "i was created for a purpose and i feel like i have the weight of the world on my shoulders because of it and its my only purpose and without it im lost and i dont know what to do with myself"

anyway. thinking about. tidalwave first meeting or like. early stages of meeting or whatever. tide is fucking INTIMIDATING. hes REALLY powerful, and also including that thing i put in my one liveblog the other day about Sere- if tide Wasnt A Hero it could be a goddamn disaster because his powers have the potential to be so fucking scary and bad and dangerous. luckily he is also the worlds biggest softie. tide is marginally less emotionally repressed than mark is, so he's more willing to initiate things.

i constantly think about tide in the context of that one post thats like "i hate when people say it costs nothing to be kind. it costs so much. i mean i'll pay it but damn" (im so mad i cant find that rn but. nhw tide thesis statement) hes not naive!!!!!!!! he knows how awful and shitty the world and the whole cape system is. but hes trying so so so hard to do the right thing and help people. that fucking gets on marks nerves so bad. tide is Too Nice and he hates it. "why cant you be more of an asshole so its easier for me to hate you" etc etc etc.

ANYWAY. early tidalwave. tide looks at wavelength and immediately sees a difference between him and some of the other villains hes fought. theres this almost feral desperation to him. outwardly hes cold and calculating and brutal but like. just a little bit beneath the surface he is. like a cornered animal. he doesnt Want to be doing this, but he Has To. and tide can. really sympathize with that and understand that i think. Mark Also Hates This, He Does Not Like To Be Perceived. i imagine theres a lot of back and forth like "i understand" "how could you possibly understand"

they become sort of like unofficial rivals- tide knows how the hero system works and how fucking nasty things could end up for mark if he fights someone who doesnt care about what happens to a villain, so its always tide seeking him out (fight to maim, not kill. sorry that sentence lives in my mind forever now). tide maybe lets him slip away and escape way easier than he should. because he Gets It. he genuinely does want to help mark, not in an "i can fix him" way, but in more of an "i can see youre in a horrible situation and i dont want to kill you just because of that, so im helping in the small way i can without making things worse for you" way. mark knows hes doing this. they never talk about it. they talk more than people who are supposed to be intent on killing each other should talk. neither of them will ever say it out loud but. the human connection outside of their respective Situations is kind of nice. regardless of how fucked up the whole thing is. ill-advised hookups, unmasking, etc etc all of that. but They Dont Talk About It Ever. next day theyre back to trying to kill each other like nothing happened. tide maybe privately mourns this, but still never says anything about it. tide visits mark in the hospital because no one else will. tide tells mark about ashe because no one else will, even if he knows that will basically shatter everything between them (its not tides fault, why would it be, but mark is a very "shoot the messenger, ask questions later" kind of guy)

anyway. i think about them a lot

[shebeafancyflapjack]

Last Days

(Some entries from my oc Silver's "Book of Shadows" / diary, leading up to her death. The photo is of my actual doggo who passed away eight years ago. 🥺🥹).

'

24th June 2003

Confidence Spell

In a cleansed space, dress a small orange candle with oil and coat with mixed herbs, most notably rosemary, chamomile and lavender. State your intention before lighting the match. Sit and watch in a comfortable position while visualising the light glowing within yourself.

I did it.

I told them.

The spell worked, it gave me the courage to stand in front of them and finally come out. In hindsight I should have remembered to cast a ward of protection around myself for the aftermath. But Derek at the shop told me that focusing too much on protection magic can actually attract harmful energies. And, to be honest, a part of me wanted the drama. I wanted my family to give a shit, even if it was thrown in my face. Wow, gross imagery there, Silver.

I suppose it went better then some. Reading posts on some gay and lesbian forums, some folks have it a lot worse, especially over in America. This one girl's dad was a pastor (I think that's like a Vicar? We only ever called them that around my town). When she came out to him, he had her sent to some preachy conversion therapy camp and she ended up having to run away to live with her cousin, now her immediate family act like she's dead. Yikes. I didn't get it that bad.

My sister rolled her eyes and scoffed. "Sure you are. You're totally not just doing this for attention, like the witchy thing." And my brother was cringing like I'd tried to flash him or something. "How do you even know? You've not even had that many boyfriends!" Ugh! What the fuck?! What kind of older brother wants his sister to sleep around more than dudes until she "can be certain"? I've had enough experience as I need, bruv! Think he just feels weird now as I've probably ruined all that lesbian p*rn I know he's into after that time I used the computer after him and he forgot to delete his history.

And Mum? Well.

She cried. She didn't wail or scream or anything but if was kinda like the cry of a little kid who got told they weren't allowed to get some Pik n Mix at Woolies. I asked if she was angry and she just threw her hands up and said she was disappointed I wouldn't "at the least" give her grandkids. Then she stormed outside to smoke with my sister.

I felt so cold and numb afterwards. What did that even mean? How would being gay mean I can't be a mum? We've all watched Friends, we saw Ross' ex Carol be a mum, Susan was his adoptive mum, that could happen to me. Or I could adopt. Fuck, I want to be a mum, someday...way, way, way off. And anyway, she has a grandkid! I'm surprised my brother didn’t pipe up to remind her of that. It was just me and him left in the room and it was awkward as fuck. Bri and I have butted heads but I'm closer with him than Lisa, which is not saying much. Think my confession ruined whatever little sibling bond was there.

Shit, I wish Dad had been there. He'd have been cool with it. He'd have been so proud of me for being brave enough to tell them all and he'd have given me one of his epic bear hugs.

Except that's a lie.

According to Brian, anyway. When I mentioned Dad to him, he scoffed and said "You're joking, right? Dad was homophobic as shit. This the guy who refuses to watch Star Trek TNG because a 'poofta' was the Captain."

That hurt worse than any reaction the others had to my coming out. At first I hoped he was just saying it to get a rise out of me or just to be a dick. But the more I looked back through my hazy memories, I can recall those tiny little bigoted comments which as a kid you just don't care about. Because they didn't matter to me back then. All I cared about was that Dad was fun, that he spoiled me rotten, that he'd take me to McDonalds whenever I asked and to the cinema and Stone Henge.

I needed some air after that. Jess always provided an easy excuse to go for a walk around the fields to clear my head. While she bounded off after squirrels once I let her off lead, I sat under a tree and cried my fucking eyes out. Not for the reactions of those I got, but for the one I would never get.

Those breathing exercises Derek showed me helped a lot. The throbbing in my head died down a little. Chanting the names of the Goddess while I tried to focus on letting go of that useless worry over a dead parent's opinion of me.

It sounds awful but, given how many father-daughter relationships I've seen break down when girls reach their teens, maybe I was lucky to lose my dad as young as I was before he could truly disappoint me.

But either way, I did it. I'm now and out and proud gay (or bi, I'm not 100%, just definitely not straight) witch. Love me or leave me.

So mote it fucking be.

31st October 2003

And the fires shall burn, and the wheel of life shall turn, and the dead come back home on Samhain!

Happy Halloween!

As it's the Wiccan New Year, I guess I should make a resolution? I resolve to start living my damn life.

Ever since I dropped out of college, it's like I've been drifting through life. The few jobs I've had haven't gone anywhere and I just don't know what to do with myself. Actually, no, I fantasise about the life I want all the time.

A cottage in the woods. I wanna wake up and breathe in nature every morning. I want my own garden where I can grow fruit and veg and herbs for my spells. I want to be able to sit and read my fantasy books in the sunshine for hours in peace. Obviously Jess will come with me, I'm pretty much the only one who walks and takes care of her, she's my bestest girl. And I'll adopt three or five more dogs. Maybe a couple of chill cats. It would be so cool if I could tame a fox like that woman who was on This Morning the other days. Foxes are basically cats inside little dog shells, they're so cool. And I want a wife...I think. Part of me would be happy living alone with nature and pets but then I get this niggle of desire for someone to wake up with and appreciate all that beautiful stuff with me every day.

But that life is just not gonna happen unless I find a way to make a shit ton of money to move out of my town and set up somewhere in the West Country or Surrey or Kent etc. For now I'm trapped in this tiny shitty town in the arse-end of Essex with almost no bus routes. Driving lessons have all ended in disaster, fucking dyspraxia I'm blaming you.

Gods, please, if you're going to trap me anywhere for the rest of my existence can it at least be somewhere better than this?!

What few friends I had have all gone off to Uni or abroad. One girl even asked if I wanted to go to Australia with her but the idea of working in a bar gives me chest pains. Plus the spiders! Sorry, little dudes, I love and respect you but I can't help but get the creeps! I keep up with what they're doing on MySpace and MSN but a lot of it depresses me to realise how stagnant my life is. Not only am I trapped but I'm also lonely as shit.

LOL. Jess just rested her head on my knee as I wrote that and gave me the biggest saddest labradoodle eyes. Of course I'm not totally alone, I've got my bestest girl. And my deities. Enough to keep me sane.

Speaking of mental health, gotta remember to make an appointment with my GP about these headaches. Mum blames the incense and reckons I'm dehydrated. Says the woman who smokes like a chimney and needs a glass of wine a day to get through the week.

Doing my Samhain rite later but first gonna take Scarlet out trick or treating. Her little witchy costume is so cute! I know the whole hat and warty nose stereotype is offensive to Wiccan culture but OMG she is adorbubble with her little plastic cauldron! Can't believe she's nearly three, she's growing up so fast. Even if I never get to be the cottage core mum I dream of, I can be the awesome witchy aunt.

11th March 2004

A spell to attract friendship

Cleanse an empty bottle with incense. Fill with pink or white salt to protect from toxic relationships, cloves for friendship, cinnamon for happiness, lavender for calm, rose quartz and amethyst for healthy friendship, sugar for sweetness, a dandelion for loyalty, seal with yellow wax, carry in purse or pocket often - remember you need to leave your room to find those friends you seek.

I might have just discovered something really cool!

We're staying at my great uncle's house in Surrey for a couple of weeks to help him out while he's not well. Uncle Bob's always been a cool old dude, I wish he'd lived closer when I was growing up. Anyway he knows how into the supernatural I am and started telling me legends of this really old house literally just a twenty minute walk from where we're staying.

And when I say old I mean OLD. Like Henry VIII old, if not before that! He even has this book telling the history of it. Apparently the rich lady who lives there used to host tours but she's getting too old to do it now and has mostly become a recluse. There's all sorts of shit that went down in that house, some Tory prick who died in a sex scandal, ROFL, it was used for all sorts of soldier stuff during WWII, a bunch of rich folk whose names I still see dotted around the village lived there. Even before there was a house there were settlements were there were plague outbreaks and witch trials. Actual fucking WITCH TRIALS! I always wanted to visit Salem but screw it I got some history on my doorstep now.

And theres all sorts of ghost stories! Some dude who tried to kill Queen Elizabeth I got his head chopped odd and rumour is his headless body can be seen wandering the grounds. There's this famous 'Grey Lady' ghost who falls out the window screaming in the middle of the night. Some freaky creature like a wannabe Bigfoot roaming the woods.

I gotta go there. Sounds like it's buzzing with untapped magical energy. Just looking at the photo of the building, I feel like it's calling to me.

Honestly one of the coolest bits of history was there was said to be a stone circle which the house now stands on. Don't think I can get myself in there, even if I ask the old posh woman really really nicely. But there should be enough power around the site for me to call to.

Screw it. I'm sick of trying to find my own coven to do shit like this. I did a quick scope of the place while walking Jess and it doesn't look like she has much in the way of security. There's not even that high a fence around the wood. I can jump over that easy enough.

Gotta take the opportunity while I'm here. Uncle Bob might be being moved into residential care so chances of us coming back to this part of the county is slim.

Still got those mushrooms Derek's nephew gave me. Been really hesitant about taking them, I don't like doing drugs more than a little bit of weed and even that ends up making me paranoid and thinking the world hates me.

But he swore that if I wanted to properly see the gods, they were the best tool.

So tonight, I'm gonna sneak out and make my way up there, set up an altar and ground myself. It's gonna be like taking a bubble bath in pure magick! I got all that history and ancient energy as well as the full moon. Helped bake some cakes for Uncle Bob earlier and gonna take a few crumbs of the leftovers as offerings. Pan especially has such a sweet tooth.

This is the night I'm gonna take my life into my hands and summon everything I want. Love, friendship, freedom, excitement....oh and mustn't forget healing for these stupid migraines.

Jess keeps staring at me from the foot of my bed, whimpering for attention. Maybe she wants to play fetch. Maybe she wants to come with me. Should I take her? Hekate likes dogs so she might appreciate her there. And I am going into the dark woods all on my own. A lot of scary stuff has happened to young girls and women on the news lately. But they were children, I'm twenty next year! If I take Jess with me and she starts barking, it might wake the Button lady or her neighbours.

No, babygirl, best you stay here. It's gonna be boring for you watching me do my ritual high as a kite while I tie you to a tree. Once I'm back I'll sneak you up some chicken from the fridge.

It can be our little secret. ;) and I'll do a spell to make sure my best girl has plenty more years of treats and belly rubs to come.

So mote it fucking be.

[brujacopal]

and then all of this coincides with resentment bubbling up to the surface bc i live with family i’m nowhere near financial independence and i feel so suffocated. before i understood this sort of bodily rhythm - idk when it even started - i would become so confused as to why i’d get such a pissy attitude during this time of the year. the worst part is that sometimes it can last until september and after that i just get somber about it again. but imo that’s better to me, i feel less distracted and distant and it doesn’t come up in my thoughts as often. it reminds me a lot of humidity or tropical weather in a way, even down to how that weather can sometimes make me feel. i think last year the counterpart that gives me the most grief sort of skipped me for the first time in quite a few years - maybe ever - because my brain was too busy being absolutely Mad.

now as an adult i’ve associated it with a deep desire for independence and privacy which in turn made it 10x worse and it just gets exponentially worse as i age. i think it would actually be just a silly little quirk if i had independence and privacy. i’ve always felt a bit self conscious about it, it’s a part of me that is always there it just gets really amped up during spring, making it more obvious to myself and others. i try to hide it even when theoretically it should be ok to show in some relationships. in other relationships it’s to the point where i sometimes overcompensate for it and the irritability makes me curt and distant and even cold. even here it feels awkward and i’m aware that i’m avoiding naming it, it simply feels embarrassing lol it always has. what sucks is that there’s no one i truly feel comfortable talking about it with anymore. i miss my old close friend who i could talk about it with and she would understand and she’d encourage that i seek the ways to get it to stop gnawing at me. i used to (and occasionally still do) fill up pages of my written journal attempting to hack away at it but that just never works. making little art projects out of it feels juvenile and embarrassing rn !!anyways i can’t sleep i hate this i’m going on a walk by the lake tomorrow.

[toxicanonymity]

Dog Days by Ethel Cain is so Raider!joel coded it makes me SICK

+ Strangers by Ethel Cain… I -

You're so right I wanna dive out my window. I added them to the raider playlist and they're like #6-7 rn if anyone wants to listen. Dog Days is -- Wow. And Strangers reminds me of couldn't sleep. Lyrics below.

THANK YOU!!

Dog Days

Lyrics

I think of you while you're at work

Out in the fields, tearing up the earth

But I like you best when you're at home

Giving it to me so nice and fucking slow

No one's ever gonna love me, no, not like you do

Every night, I'm crying in my sleep 'cause I'm dreaming about you

And I've tried so hard to quit you like I promised my mama I would

But it's no good, it's no good

You walk a fine line between god and animal

You're just a feral dog I worship in bedroom ceremonials

Cut me up and take me like the bread and blood at church

Love's never been more than pain, so baby, show me how bad you hurt

No one's ever gonna love me, no, not like you do

Every night, I'm crying in my sleep 'cause I'm still dreaming about you

And I've tried so hard to quit you like I promised my mama I would

But it's no good, it's no good

It's no good, it's no good, it's no good

You're no good

You're no good, I'm no good, we're no good

Strangers

Lyrics

In your basement, I grow cold

Thinking back to what I was always told

"Don't talk to strangers or you might fall in love"

You're so handsome, walking over to me now

Freezer bride, your sweet divine

You devour like smoked bovine hide

How funny, I never considered myself tough

I tried to be good, am I no good?

Am I no good? Am I no good?

With my memory restricted to a Polaroid in evidence

I just wanted to be yours, can I be yours?

Can I be yours? Just tell me I'm yours

If I'm turning in your stomach and I'm making you feel sick

When my mother sees me on the side

Of a milk carton in Winn-Dixie's dairy aisle

She'll cry and wait up for me

We'll make love in your attic all night

Euphoric in some strange delight

I'm happier here 'cause he told me I should be, oh

You're so handsome when I'm all over your mouth

(When I'm all over your mouth, when I'm all over your mouth)

I tried to be good, am I no good?

Am I no good? Am I no good?

With my memory restricted to a Polaroid in evidence

I just wanted to be yours, can I be yours?

Can I be yours? Just tell me I'm yours

If I'm turning in your stomach and I'm making you feel sick

Am I making you feel sick? Oh

Am I making you feel sick?

Am I making you feel, am I making you feel sick?

Am I making you feel, am I making you feel sick?

Am I making you feel sick?

Am I making you feel sick?

Am I making you feel sick? No, oh

Found you just to tell you that I made it real far

And that I never blamed you for loving me the way that you did

While you were torn apart

I would still wait with you there

Don't think about it too hard or you'll never sleep a wink at night again

Don't worry 'bout me and these green eyes

Mama, just know that I love you (I do)

And I'll see you when you get here

[miumura]

GET TO KNOW ME — 🤍

— tysm for the tag bff @hannikz <3

tagging . . (no pressure; sorry for the tag/if you were tagged already!) : @wonieleles @urszn @son4taa @wonillaa @wonyoungsvirus @ox1-lovesick @yenqa

BIRTHDAY? — october 27 🫶

FAV COLOR? — green!! i love those lighter greens,, they are so pleasing to look at

ANY PETS? — no </3 had a fish but it eventually got flushed down the toilet 😞💔

HEIGHT? — 160 cm 😵 or like 5’3… the short person agenda lives on 🙏

HOW MANY PAIRS OF SHOES DO YOU OWN? — oddly specific question but okay 😇 i say about 5-8 pairs?? idk i get new ones yearly but i always wear these two certain pairs LMFAO

FAV SONG? — sweet by tbz. its too good. (and yk its good when someone me has over 3k plays on it). tbz always puts out bops—just saying .

FAV MOVIE? — over the moon! i find the movie pretty cute ngl,, comfort movie frfr

IDEAL PARTNER? — jay. park jongseong.

DO YOU WANT CHILDREN? — bff how can i have children when i can’t even take care of myself.. plus younger kids kind of #scare me !

HAVE YOU GOTTEN TROUBLE WITH THE LAW? — im a minor who stays in their room like always. i have not 🙏 and whoever says yes to this part,, im concerned bff

WHAT COLOR SOCKS ARE YOU WEARING? — bold to assume im wearing socks. (JP JP) im wearing black socks rn cause im out 😵 rarely wear them indoors unless im at someone else’s house

FAV MUSIC GENRE? — r&b??? idk i rly like anything… anything catchy or sounds good, im adding it to my playlist ..

HOW MANY PILLOWS DO YOU SLEEP WITH? — one pillow for my head 🙏 i js have a plush next to me too 🫶

WHAT POSITION DO YOU SLEEP IN? — on my sides ALWAYS!! sometimes on my stomach tho cause it’s comfortable!!

SMTH U HATE WHEN SLEEPING? — when it’s too cold 😞 i like being warm but not THAT warm if ykyk.

BREAKFAST? — not a breakfast person.. i always feel not hungry/feel like im abt to 😵 if i eat smth.. i should change that tho </3 but whenever i do eat,, i eat like cereal, bread, or anything my mom cooks for me <3

HAVE U TRIED ARCHERY? — do those cheap plastic ones count 😓 (i suck btw)

FAV FRUIT? — cantaloupe HANDS DOWN. like esp those rly rly sweet ones, those r literally the best. runner ups would be strawberries n mangoes <3

ARE U A GOOD LIAR? — i mean…idk?

CURIOUS ABT MBTI? — tried a test multiple times, always got infp 🙏 i say its true too, all the stuff fits me LMFAO

INNIE OR OUTIE? — def prefer to stay indoors, but it doesn’t hurt to go outside once in a while

LEFTY OR RIGHTY? — righty ‼️

FAV FOOD? — sushi 🙏 it’s too good

FAV FOREIGN FOOD? — tteokbokki (is that how u spell it?)

CLEAN OR MESSY? — i prefer being a clean person; i hate being unorganized and messy… but really, it depends on my mood. 

MOST USED PHRASE? — um what?

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE FOR U TO GET READY? — i don’t think it takes me too long? like give me 10-15 mins and im already out the door ..

DO U TALK TO URSELF? — who doesn’t?

DO U SING TO URSELF? — the effects of music

ARE U A GOOD SINGER? — im the ace of saf ofc !!! 😝 (JP. JP.)

BIGGEST FEAR? — what happens after death ..

ARE U A GOSSIP? — whenever there’s smth new,, the first thing im telling the info to is my friends 🙏 who doesn’t love doing that??

DO U LIKE SHORT OR LONG HAIR? — i have beef with short hair now.. like my haircuts in the past screwed me up fr. THEY DID ME DIRTY. so long hair (but not too long).

FAV SCHOOL SUBJECT? — science 🤞

EXTROVERT OR INTROVERT? — definitely an introvert..

WHAT MAKES U NERVOUS? — fear of ppl constantly looking down/making fun of me 😞

WHO WAS UR FIRST REAL CRUSH? — dude some kid from 1st to like 5th grade… like i think i started “liking” him in 2nd but feelings started fading away once we kept moving onto grades ! this other dude would be like “bro ure blushing” and the guy i liked would go “whats blushing?” BRO WAS STUPID,, but my stupid guy back then ig 😓😓😓 younger me was wild

HOW MANY PIERCINGS? — two (one on both ears)

HOW MANY TATTOOS? — none !

HOW FAST CAN U RUN? — i say im pretty decent with my speed 🙏 watch me cough out a lung if i try too hard tho.

WHAT COLOR IS UR HAIR? — dark brown 🙏 natural hair 😇

WHAT COLOR ARE UR EYES? — brown!

WHAT MAKES U ANGRY? — hate it when people refuse to cooperate… like im being nice here and you’re being a straight up asshole. i hate it when i try to make up for smth ppl are like “hm” “yea” and don’t respond .. like js bc i said no the first time doesn’t mean u can be like that .. in conclusion : i get irritated at everything.. sometimes?

DO U LIKE UR NAME? — my name is cool 👍 don’t have issues with it at all

WOULD U WANT A GIRL OR A BOY IF U HAD A CHILD? — probably a girl, i feel like i wouldn’t be able to handle a boy. i wanna js have mother daughter bonding time 🙏

WHAT ARE UR STRENGTHS? — staying calm in situations / being convincing (idk) BRO IDK IM PROBABLY LYING TO MYSELF 😭

WHAT ARE UR WEAKNESSES? — being too nice to others .. like i would try to stick w my current friends and try not to hurt their feelings (prioritize them over me). since my social battery kinda runs out most of the time,, me feeling down is 🤕

WHAT COLOR IS UR BED SPREAD? — currently its like a white sheet with pink, yellow n green patterning (lines)

WHAT COLOR IS UR BEDROOM? — white ! not a big fan of colored walls…plus white goes with everything 🙏

done ! that took…a while.. but 🫶

[guccifloralsuits]

Oh man seasonal mood changes my ultimate nemesis!! The tips that work best for me rn at 30 y/o: go outside every day. Even if it's cold. Even if it's precipitating. 😬 even better if you can go for a walk outside. While you're feeling good NOW write yourself a list of warning signs of the depression and ideas to combat them. I have mine in my notes app on my phone. It has things like "sleeping more than 10 hours", "ignoring/avoiding phone calls from friends", etc. And then quick ways to try and course correct. Be on your water and food schedule! This one is SO HARD for me but so important. I always try to make sure I have easy food I'll eat in the house in case the depression bowls me over and I can't get myself to cook. Doesn't have to be what I consider "healthy" it's more important that I get the calories at that time. Stay with whatever exercise/movement routine you can. For me the best thing has been yoga. I have a sun lamp I'll sit in front of for 30 minutes in the morning starting around the end of October which I have found to be immensely helpful. But it works best if you do it before 9am. When things get worse it's stuff like: change from sleeping pajamas into daytime pajamas; do one household task a day; even if I can't shower, go stand under the warm water; text people with short updates about how I'm doing. If all else fails I have my list of broad self care topics to try and do something small with and those are sleep, food, water, exercise, hygiene, environment care, social activity. I'm also the kind of person who does well with lighting incense, meditating, writing, etc but those sorts of things that bring you joy and fulfillment vary from person to person. Good luck!! We got this!!

This is all super valuable—thank you so much. I really like the listing out warning signs now (while I’m in a better place) so I know what to watch for. I’ve also been debating whether I should get a sunlamp or not, but it sounds like it does genuinely help, so I might do it…

Food schedule makes so much sense too; I also easily forget to eat until I’m starving then binge & feel awful, so going in knowing that will def help me prepare

Appreciate you!!!

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary302

7/17-18/24

wednesday - thursday

tired tired tired... up too late rn.

so that means soon i sleep.

some good stuff w/ music today, i got to work on some stuff, another track has been exported so i can listen and see what i think about it, it certainly is a weird one, i want it to be the opener cuz i think the chorus is super catchy in a way that will surprise people, but idk about that honestly. to someone like me though, it is cute and fun. i wanna figure out vocals for that. i also figured out the issues i think with the other song re: drums/ease of understanding it/following what it does. i had to simplify one pattern a bit, make it less idk, offbeat basically.

anyway, outside that, today was errands day... i was able to get pizza too and there are leftovers. my gf was very tired today though, cuz she got in at 3 am yesterday and had to quit the job because they were like, wednesday is a mandatory day, and she was like, i can't do 7 pm to 7 am, and then they were like, well okay. and so that's that. it's not like it would have been too much longer than this anyway. i just feel bad for her cuz she was doing that so much she didn't really have time to process how draining that was for her, so she's kind of crashing today.

anyway, what else. my gf's brother is driving her mother truly coo coo bananas, it's very sad to see. i hope he will become not awful soon. obviously he won't but you know. oh and i felt cute today, at least, or mostly, it's very strange how i will oscillate but part of it really is being able to dress up, i suppose. i didn't take selfies though. idk, i should have, to document it. i feel dumb for not. isn't that so weird? the need to collect proof of feeling cute/ see if i ought to, that's so psycho generally, but the sense i missed out, i feel like i'm lying just putting it in text. something's wrong with me but it just goes too deep to really deal with. or deal with here. it's just me being crazy.

anyway, my gf is doing better now, she'll be even better tomorrow, the whole experience has made her more grateful for the kind of work she already does, she is not used to doing anything very physical, and she did way too much of it in too short a time. i've done more over my whole life but to be like, worked so hard over 4 days is majorly fucked, and it's so hot outside, this warehouse she was in had like little to no ac, probably just some swamp cooler somewhere in the massive thing. maybe i should not have encouraged her to sign up for this because it sounded so crazy and funny... but some parts of it were crazy and funny, but i can't describe those, so do your best to #imagine.

uhmm,, what else. ... too many people dming me on discord right now. it is 3 am... i want to sleep .

it's weird. everything just feels weird. i wish i were not feeling so weird. i don't know what i feel weird about. it's almost like a pregnancy. i dunno. i keep thinking about pregnancy. do i wish i could get pregnant? not really. i wish for other things. if i listed all the stuff i wished for, if i got it all, i think i'd just turn to smoke cuz it's so self negating half the time. i wish my hips were a little wider. i wish i was prettier. i wish i were what i am. i wish i weren't anything. i wish people didn't look at me. i guess people keep wishes so they can have little hypocrisies and discard them just as quick but i hold onto everything . i don't eat all of any animal, but i guess i want to eat all of myself.

why am i thinking about pregnancy though? it's weird. it's been a thing for a while in my head, never before has it been like this. i guess there's something like, can i carry anything to term? am i fertile in any way? i can't imagine myself as anything other than,.. idk, not giving, i'm not motherly certainly, i am very cold, or i think of myself as being cold but i think really i'm sort of just weird emotionally and my gf says i'm sweet and stuff anyway, i'm not giving or warm in normal ways, i think i act too immature to really be warm in a mothering way, but i am, i don't want to say productive or useful, i guess generative is the better word, doing things, i guess i've always, since knowing the word, which has been for a long time cuz i've known it since middle school i imagine, or earlier, the word gestating. i feel things inside me gestating, and have felt that, a resonant chamber inside myself too. i don't know. i don't want a womb, this isn't like, me saying the opposite of how i feel. it's just strange, that this is anything inside my head at all.

final thing before bed, it's also strange how of all people one might need to contend with as a cultural influence, lana del ray is one of them, that she is still the producer of images of what people wish they were, what they are, what they think things should be like, a weird nostalgia which doesn't refuse the present, i guess this fantasy that right now is also the past maybe. i wonder if i'm off in the same ways, or if we all are, if that nostalgic illness is something we're all dealing with. i would like to say no, because i would like to not have to think about anything mark fisher said, not out of hate just cuz i want to move on from that whole moment where everyone was so dour about the idea the past could be strung up like a corpse, carved, repurposed, material, just flatly a material basis and set of methods to dissolve/digest, put those functions to rest and see what rises once again. i also do not care for lana's music, it is weird though that even her visual aesthetic/fans of her aesthetic + pose have crept into producing images / maintaining lines to images/things i like seeing. it feels odd. also a lot of those girlblogging blogs give off such evil vibes, half the time i feel like the ways they are, are just transphobic, i feel as if i am witnessing terfs, i feel fairly certain in fact, it's just all so weirddddd.

anyway , sleepy sleeepy sleepy , so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[twinsloveco]

I never wanted him to see me naked after I was with you

I never wanted him in the God damn room..

I literally fucking fought almost crying begging plz ALONE WHILE YOU JUST SAT THERE COLD AND GIGGLED A BIT AND WOULDNT HELP and you said he can come in cuz YOU felt bad then I felt bad ..ugh ITS MY ROOM I SAID NO?? WHY IF YOU LOVE ME YOUD LET HIM PUSH PAST ME AND HURT ME NIT EVEN ASK IF IM OKAY it hurt.

But at least when I asked if we can at least make sure im hidden and we are under the blanket you did that.. you guarded me.

You glared at the door when we thought someone was gonna come in on us doing stuff and u made sure I was hidden and it was closed and your face said you fucking try anything on my lucifer I'll start a riot...

🥺❤️‍🔥👉👈... that stays in my mind slot.

[But so does you kissing him and saying I love you baby you asking first right infront of me and everyone saying I'm just your friend shattered something in me idk I'll ever get back.. with the excuse oh so long and bd it's normal it's not.. my sister doesn't call her bd baby.. I dropped that shit instantly once I moved on from my ex of 6plus years... but I went with it.. I should have argued more tbh]

When I went away to cry it's because I seen you posted that you don't need my crying rn and it was me crying cuz you said we will be separated again for a bit and you'll be sad .. broke my heart .. so I went to hide my tears from u so you wouldn't be bothered and u couldn't be bothered to come to me ..Adam said he did he brought the flowers .. that u didn't care and didn't want to come find me.

I walked in with you naked infront of him and it felt like yall almost wouldn't unlock the door ... I felt abandoned alone excluded made a joke of as you all kept running off laughing together leave me behind even my sister asked and tahtz when it hit me and she said they ain't your real friends bro... well she also wasn't a very real sister either soo.. 🤷

I heard you say Lus gonna be so mad when he finds out what we did hehe oops..

And something snapped in me I heard a voice say: they fucked !! Fuck it!!! Fuck love fuck it all!!! Grr .. I cried myself to sleep a bit.

[I realize now Adam's souls voice in my head a LOT to fuck with me ugh...]

She's the one who told me you were likely cheating with one the two exes and that their the ones you're holding out for and I'm like no no he says it isn't like that they stay seperate and stuff just friends like me and adam... Adam sent me a ss where he said otherwise..that your relationship was good and you cuddle every night .. ouch...

I seen on my birthday you and him posting baby flirting saying you never loved anyone else that way ever and never will or something like that ..more ouch ... so that's where you went as I cried alone on my b day? I just wanted a damn hour even with you..

You didn't realize I fell asleep with your chat open with the phone close to my heart to feel closer to you , crying myself asleep waiting all day.. you didn't realize how shit is small hit by small hit add up for me...

I hid so much of my pain for you .. I was like no I need to put him and his needs first...

I couldn't contain it though.. the visions of seeing and feeling you having sex with someone else for months before proven irl I was always sick and hurting deep dark pulling heart pain sinking in my stomach in silence .. choosing to believe in you at all costs I never would have even allowed cheating or poly for anyone else but I was so willing to grow past that ego thing and just love you as you wanted to be ... I just wanted no one else but myselfes. I run to self love when I feel I have no one else my dude...

That..

I saw a life together marriage and house and 1 kid.. and the animals.. Adam gone in his own place and me only interacting with him when you allowed it as a friend at arms length.... we went over and gamed with him one time.. but other than that he was out.

I was gonna help him get a car and move out and me get financially independent and secure again so he had no more hold over me

Oops that upset you too sighs... I'm sorry.

[consistent-self-destruction]

oh wow, the last time i posted was basically exactly a year ago lol.

well both a lot and nothing's changed much, i'm back to b emo again so that alone should say enough without saying anything

if anything things have gotten WORSE lmfao, i'm literally not supposed to be here right now but unfortunately the attempt fucking failed

nobody tells you how embarrassing that is - how did you fail at everything INCLUDING trying to kill yourself LMFAO, LIKE DAMN YOU REALLY CANT WIN

okay im being silly to cope but idk. when i got in touch with my counselor after it happened, she asked how much i wanted to be alive here on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being i literally wanna die right now in this instant, and 1 being miraculous healing and lifetime peace. the first day after i told her 8.5. three days later i said 3. it's a few weeks later now, and ive realized that my answer to the question has been sliding up and down everyday.

this is not even what i wanna talk about, i don't know how i ended up talking about that lol. anyway actually wait ANOTHER sb but artists im obsessed with rn: ka$hdami and 6arelyhuman okay moving on now ummm im trying so hard to be a 1 on that scale and maintain optimism and hope but like things keep going wrong and everything keeps irritating me and i genuinely feel like shit and i dont want to feel like shit because freaking 2014 just started, the year just started but unfortunately i am not optimistic about this year at all - i can't predict what will happen or how it will go or feel, everything is uncertain and im tired of being so unsure and incapable and it makes me want to leave earth because it's all just so tiring and now im just rambling hhhhh

to gather my thoughts coherently.. im bleeding out my fucking gooch. my charger is broken and wont charge my phone unless it's at an angle. my back camera is broken, my phone's been having storage issues, i don't feel pretty these days, i don't know what to do with my hair, it's freaking cold as hell in my house, i've got a sore throat, the only bathroom in the house with a bathtub has cold water so i can't take any soothing baths which is one of the best parts of being home, my sleep schedule is entirely in reverse, and i just feel so energetically exhausted. the house is a mess and my room is cluttered and my mom wants me to take down the christmas decorations, and i WANT to because cleaning makes me feel productive but i just don't have the stamina or ENERGY, like i feel physically sick and unwell and irritated and run down and incapable and i hate it so much, why is 2024 already off to the worst. and that's just in the present tense. in the future tense, like i said i am not optimistic about this year at all. i anticipate it being a really really difficult year and it makes me wanna cry because i don't wanna do it but i know i need to. you know how they say you have to get through the storm to see the other side? or some shit like that idfk, i dont wanna go through the storm! im so tired of the rain im so tired of being cold im so tired of goosebumps and anxiety and uncertainty and all of it !!!!!!! i've been trying to find my way through a storm for YEARS and it has not let up ONCE. i want to stop but i tried doing that and the universe just took me off pause and made me keep going, why couldn't they just let me join the stars. it would've been so much easier.

instead i have to stay here and try my best to heal and recover and work around my issues but i just can't imagine it, i can't imagine getting better i just don't see it. i can daydream about a version of myself that's better and stronger all i want, but i know in my heart that she'll never exist because i've been trying to be her for years and i just can't get there. i keep falling short. i keep failing. i keep taking L after L after L and im just. so. tired. i don't want to try anymore.

it's not always like this. sometimes there will be something that motivates me and makes me feel inspired to live again. but it always passes by and i come back to these feelings and this state. i keep falling back into this hole and it's such an exhausting up and down and back and forth.

the reason im here being emo again is i just feel like i can't talk to anyone about this. usually when i come back to this freaking blog that's the case. i always come back here when i have feelings that i need to release but i dont feel comfortable sharing with anyone. i don't wanna say anything on my spam because i don't want anyone to see all this negativity and darkness in me, and i don't want my close friends and innocent people to be randomly laden with this kind of depressing energy just as the year FRESH started and they're only casually scrolling their feed. you know what i mean? i hate scrolling my feed and seeing depressing shit. i don't wanna do that to my friends. i want peace and good vibes and good energy and a clean refreshing start to the year for them. i want them to be happy. i dont wanna post on my spam something that will gut their heart out, bring their mood down, and make them see me different. and it's the same with my best friend. not so much the last part cause they already know all these sides of me. and that is really relieving. but the only reason why i hold back from telling them this right now is because of the first reason - the year just started. they don't need this energy. we've already been having realtalks that are depressing enough. they dont need me calling them and texting them every time i feel depressed and manic and lost - that would be so shitty and i hate people who do that. it's energy stealing and self-centered. and for obvious reasons i don't talk to my family about these things. so i am left with this silly little blog, my beautiful void. oh how i love speaking into the void. it gives the illusion of speaking to someone without actually speaking to anyone. it's a perfect release.

but yeah idk, long story short im on my period, im sick with a sore throat, freezing in my house, feeling ugly and tired and incapable and irritated, with an inability to find optimism for the future and worst of all NO HOES! <;/3333

dude.. no because my love life is an entirely different type of pain. it's so... dude.

in the very least, i should be starting long-term therapy this year. that's the plan at least. my counselor gave me some recommendations, offices to call, and i have my dad's support. i'm gonna call in the numbers either tomorrow or thursday. i say this as "in the least" because even though i know it's supposed to be helpful, im not too optimistic about it. i don't like how many times i've used that word smfh. but im not - i don't really look forward to opening up about my 5 billion issues to a complete stranger. i have a hard enough time with the idea of how people perceive me. when i first started having sessions with my counselor, it really did not help because i didn't open up to her in the way i was supposed to. i told her surface level shit and sugar coated things instead of telling her the important things. im worried im only going to do that again. i don't like people seeing the worst of me - even when im PAYING them to see that side of me and when i NEED to show that side of me in order to FIX it. rahhhhhh. i also don't really look forward to it because i just see it as something large and overwhelming and unsolvable. my mental health that is. i don't look forward to tackling it in therapy. for only once a week? with that rate it's gonna take YEARS for me to figure myself out. and not only do i not have that kind of time, but it sounds so frustrating - slow agonizing progress, if any progress is made at all. im in such a pessimistic mood right now and i'm really not always like this - but this is also just the logical side of my brain. i just don't see it working out. i want it to. i want it to work badly - that's why we're going to try it. but i still am not optimistic about what the outcome will be and i am more daunted by the emotional and mental energy it will take out of me. i am second guessing if i should do school at the same time as therapy. i don't think any of this will go well. i only see myself getting consumed by things all over again - losing energy and motivation and time and getting depressed when everything goes wrong again. i think i might just also be scared by the process of healing. healing itself is not scary - but the process is terrifying. i don't trust it. i don't know if it will work. every time i thought i was healing i was just spiraling into a new unknown. the process of healing sounds so energetically draining, it sounds so deceptive, it sounds so emotionally torturing, it sounds fake, and it sounds incredibly time consuming and i already am NOT in time's favor. so i guess that's why i am not optimistic about this year - because i already know what the theme is. i already know what my focus is. this year for me, is all about healing and learning myself better. learning how to overcome my worst habits, my worst thoughts and emotions, and navigate situations that trigger them. this year is intended to be the year i start therapy. the year i put my mental health in the spotlight after years of trying to navigate it and figure it out on my own. i know the fact that im going to have professional support and guidance is supposed to be encouraging, but im so focused on the fact that there is so MUCH i need support and guidance with - and i need to tackle all of it once a week.. while in school... engaging with the very environment that deeply triggers me as i try not to be triggered, figure out ways around being triggered, SUCCEED at not getting triggered so i can therefore succeed in my academic environment, AND also figure out ways to make money on my own on the side. and that's not even going into deeper detail. idk, i just have so many needs to meet, and a billion things on my mind - obligations, responsibilities, needs, and they're all scrambled up in this big black scribble in my brain that's so thick i can hardly see through to the other side. and i don't like that blockage. i don't like that lack of foresight and clarity. i don't like the uncertainty. it makes me nervous and hesitant and resistant. i want to resist this year and this life so badly.

but all in all im just so tired. as always. it never goes away. the rage and frustration and exhaustion it just never goes away and i just really want a long long hug and a nice backrub.

please.

- 1.3.24 | 1:05 AM -

[zombies-aliens]

So how was my day today. Well I went to the gym at 5am but I got there at 6am and had friends waiting :/ so I felt bad for that. But they get along well so there's that, I know I probably didn't bother them since they had each other but I still don't wanna do that tomorrow. Oh yeah I'm going tomorrow btw. I should prob be sleeping rn but I have to write about my day first. Well I went to work later that same day 🙃 it wasn't so great, idk how the other two were awake and I took a nap...

You know what dude my day has been so weird at work. I really don't have it in me to talk atm. Nothing really bad happened, it was a pretty average day, but something was weird and maybe it was because I was so sleepy. But it wasn't just that my attitude and thoughts were bad :/ I had just bad thoughts today that my friends don't really like me, they're just pretending, shit like that. And you know, that really effects me and I think of scenarios of how id respond if something were to go wrong in the friendship. Which I hope doesn't. It was creating a tension in myself for no reason. But part of me feels like it's true. I hate being disliked by people I want to be friends with, but I'm scared to say that I want to be friends because get unsure about if they're really my friends or if I'm something else to them. And I'm the stupid one. That's not ideal for me obviously. My day wasn't so bad for what happened in the physical world but in my own private inner world. There was trouble in paradise today. I hope tomorrow is better. I hope they both like me. But I could go on about how they both known each other probably way longer than I have and I'm the new friend of the group so I'm kinda feeling like the outcast in a way ESPECIALLY AT THE GYM HOLY SHIT. And honestly that's what Kickstarted my bad attitude, it's bc even tho my friend is married with kids, her and the guy get along pretty damn well, even she called him baby at the end after a hug, and I didn't get a hug. So I felt kinda I guess cold. Like I get no love. I mean hey it's fine I try to remember I'm not entitled to anything. I probably said that in another post but yeah it's the same thing I try to remember that to humble myself and not act like a kid who didn't get to play and have fun but the others could. I felt like an outcast in all honesty. And she's still inclusive with me like she says hi and still said bye to me but idk man, and she even texted to see if I'm good to drive home, but I fucking hate how shit I felt seeing and hearing that. I just want that intimacy as well you know? I haven't had that in so many years. Physical intimacy, and it doesn't have to be sexual neither. It doesn't have to be with my married friend neither.. but is this the best it's gonna get for me? I'm just gonna be someone's third wheel all the time? It sorta pisses me off bc like I don't wanna see that shit it ruins my mood but they don't get why it does tho. It's cus I've been lonely for so fucking long. And that set off a reaction in me like holding a mirror to me and it's just me, or maybe a guy friend, but there's never a girl by my side I can call mine and she can call me hers. It's just. Me. I'm sad man. I'm actually getting sad now. I just want a girlfriend to feel the love everyone's feeling all the time. But not just any random girl of course. But yeah. That's been my life for a long time. It's depressing and lonely. I think what I like about having a girlfriend is that, im her favorite. She liked me so so much that we are a couple now and that's the proof. She chose me and I chose her. We both like each other and don't take it for granted. But with me and my friends it's just so cold and empty. We're friends but idk why. Just because we hang out in the same place for 8 hours? Like my friend I went to the rave with said he enjoys my company but dude... wdym? Name 2 conversations we've had that were good? You can't. Name a time where I made you laugh? You can't. Name a time where- man what's my last name man do you even know my birthday? I don't know his neither. Like why are we friends it's so shallow 😅 this shit isn't even funny to me. I'm just confused. It makes more sense with the girl, but not with him. He's a cool dude sure, but... idk. And I'm gonna see these two tomorrow. I don't get how I'm the only one that questions but I'm probably the only one experiencing this. Nah you wouldn't get it. Cause it's always just me isn't it.

[dancingintheflames]

I’m just feeling really weird today

So my fiancee and I broke up, but we’re stuck living together at least through the summer.

My mother’s partner (roommate?) just had a stroke and is in the ICU

My (now) ex’s mother just had emergency surgery today

I’m still trying to finish up the last of the work for my Chemistry course

I start at a new college in the fall, and I won’t find out if I got a spot in the dorms for at least a few new days, and I have no clue what the fuck I’m going to do if I didn’t get in, because there’s basically no way I can come up w/ rent and security deposit before my financial aid kicks in next year.

I’m at a new all-time HW and I can’t believe I let it get this bad. Fucking ex always told me he still thought I was hot and w/e, but I can’t help thinking that’s probably why we haven’t had sex in over a year. He always said it was stress or hunger or being tired, but I don’t think I believe him any more. 

Now, if I try to just go all out and keep my intake below 800 and work out every day, according to losertown I could hit the 170′s by next September. Which is still huge, but considering I’m a fucking whale rn at basically 240, that would still be a decent weight loss. 

I’m just struggling right now. Spent all day yesterday cleaning (6+ hours) and I haven’t been sleeping well and it’s barely 40 degrees. I’m just so cold and tired and fucking hungry and I want to eat but I need to lose weight before I start school. Hot girl summer might not be possible but hot girl halloween is still a contender lol. That and being single again means I have to actually start dating at some point and I haven’t done that, like, ever. 

I don’t know if I’m trying to convince myself that I should increase my intake a bit and maybe factor in some rest days for working out, or if I should stick to the plan. Or at least just up the intake a bit while I finish my course so I can actually get my brain to function.