#i can write about my love (obsession) to her in four languages

[sheddr]

I miss you so much, кохана.

Wann treffen wir uns?

When I see you, I'm going to hug you and don't let go for like an hour

[yourlocaltreesimp]

*insert And Another One meme*

Can I. Request a yandere chain with a reader who gifts them flowers just because they can? Or like, them just subtly courting the chain for a change? (minus wind, who they just flat out spoils because he's babey even though he's a gremlin)

And when I say court, I mean like in ways that they're probably not familiar with? Like, the reader makes up a bs excuse about needing their help to see if they can still sing because then rusty, and then singing love songs to them but it's in a language they can't recognize?

Or like, doing tasks for them? Basically acts of service, since that's an old way of courting from my country that can be easily mistaken for them being helpful, but they're just generally more careful and going above and beyond what's asked for them?

- altumsomnum (forgot to add it in the other asks lmao)

Ofc, ofc I think I miss understood the prompt, but take this in case!

TW:ok well there’s some obsession and yandere as expected, blood mentione

Oh how the mighty fall

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

You’d recently found yourself in quite the predicament. Not necessarily a bad one… Just, odd. Long letters of prose and poetry sealed with royal blue wax from Warriors carefully dancing around his plans to stab the others and run off with you. Quiet afternoons curled up as Sky plays you music keeping you safe and distracted as the others slit the throat of the merchant that insulted you. Ranting to Four about whatever interest snagged your mind, he’d listen for hours at your every beck and call, no matter if the sentiment wasn’t returned. Strolling around villages with Time, knowing you’re safest at his side though you didn’t know how deep their feelings went, they’d do anything at your order. Twilight teaching you how to ride a horse, sharing what knowledge he knew you’d benefit from but also so you wouldn’t be near the fight. Fresh hot meals and deserts from Wild, with some added ingredients to let you sleep so they deal with business. Reading with Hyrule in a calm clearing, uninterrupted by the others but he knows the more time you spend together, the easier it’ll be when he steals you away. Sparring with Legend, finally free to move and fight as the others do as he gauges your strength to see how hard you can fight back.

You supposed the real question was why? You didn’t do anything odd or particularly of note. In comparison to the other options they had (there were none, as if anyone could pretend they held light to your sheer divinity) you felt dim by comparison. Sure, you wanted their affection (you already had them, so much blood has been spilled in your name, their reason for living is found within your company) but between yourself and the incarnation of a goddess fool to think she’s worthy of comparison you didn’t know what prompted their behaviour. It was only until you caught a passing conversation from a village girl to her friend that you realised your fatal mistake. This wasn’t Earth. Looking back on your behaviours you felt embarrassed. You’d spent hours reading and writing poetry with Warriors when you found his passion in it. You didn’t question the blush on his cheeks when you read his poetry on love- you knew he loved the romance novels. You asked Sky to play his harp when you were doing chores and even got in the habit of singing softly when you found yourself willing. You turned a blind eye to the look of sheer endearment and adoration when you looked up from whatever you busied yourself with. You’d listened to Four go on and on about the Minish after he found their numbers dwindled in the future. He’d cried, you held him, he went on and on about each and every tiny detail of his journey, pouring his heart out in a way that he was only ever used to doing when split. You welcomed him with open arms the next time he asked if you could talk. You ran whatever errands with Time that he asked, knowing his aversion to such large crowds with no company. You thought the silent agreement to stick with one another in busy cities was forged in the mistrust of the environment you found yourself surrounded with, not out of any further attraction. You entertained the idea of learning to ride a horse to get closer with the group, bridge the gap the lay between you. You didn’t catch Twilight as he noted how quickly you caught on, how easily you’d adapt to Ordon, especially with your compassion. You helped Wild with the cooking mainly because you wanted to be useful, but from what you’ve seen, he always managed to make simple tasks entertaining. He, meanwhile, was falling over himself at the fact that someone is willing to help him, let alone out of the goodness of their heart, let alone you who he’d lay down lives for. Reading with Rulie so you could learn a little more about their lives and culture as he saw you preparing to live out the rest of your days in the Hyrules. Asking Leg for help fighting because you knew he’d be the only one who wouldn’t hold back, while he enjoyed being closer with you, having the excuse to finally be near you without any glares. Looking back, you see why they acted as they did.

BONUS:

In long and short, the chain did a lot for you, for your affections. And it really began to bother you that they never accepted anything in return. They never took thanks, for it is what was ‘expected’ of courting, and yet you felt as if there was more to be done. And so, you decided on a plan. You’d simply have to be stubborn. It was rewarding to see blushes tinting their cheeks as they read the letters you’d written for them in turn. Watching their eyes light up as you goth them all jewellery, tokens that they treasured more than anything Hylia had given them. Finding excuses to take them all on dates and seeing their hearts squeeze.

[moremaybank]

BACK FOR YOU — r.c

day four second chance with rafe cameron

pairing rafe cameron x fem!reader

summary months after your failed long distance relationship, rafe begins to send you love letters in an attempt to win you back.

warnings one allusion to sex closer to the end, but nothing else. just a lil angst and hella fluff. oh, and some language.

author’s note hi my loves, i’d really appreciate if you read this because i haven’t written a piece like this in a very long time and i’m actually really proud of it ♡︎ thank you ily

obx week ‘23 masterlist ;; rafe masterlist

Dear Y/N,

Hey. I know it’s been awhile, and I know that it’s weird — writing you like this. But something happened the other day, and I wanted to tell you about it. 

I was in the grocery store with Wheeze, picking up some cupcakes for her class bake sale because none of us actually know how to bake (which you know). When we got to the bakery section, I saw chocolate-covered strawberries, and I immediately thought of you. Remember how we used to go star-gazing? We’d pile the back of my pickup with pillows and those thick-ass, furry blankets from Costco, get all cozy, and you’d bring those chocolate-covered strawberries that you’d spent the day making just for me. You’d feed ‘em to me, grinning when I’d instantly chase your hand for another bite. And then afterward, you’d cuddle into me, and we’d just lay there, looking at the stars. You’d get this wondrous look in your eyes, like you’d never seen anything so beautiful. I had though. I got to look at you every day, and you beat the stars by a long shot.

Anyway, I ran into your mom at the club earlier. She told me that you were travelling, visiting every place you possibly could in Europe. Sounds like you. I bet you went to Greece first, you’ve had an obsession with it since you were fifteen. I know I always talked about taking you there. Who knows, maybe I still can. 

I miss you. Did I mention that? ‘Cause I do. I miss you all the time. 

Yours, 

Rafe

Dear Y/N, 

You didn’t answer that last letter, and that’s fine. I understand why. I never said how sorry I was for everything that happened last year, never really explained. But I will now.

I’m so sorry for how I ended things. Every day, I woke up at school, far away from you. It ached me to not wake up to you. To not see you every second of the day. To not hold your hand or see you smile as soon as you saw me. 

I missed everything. The smell of your lavender shampoo. Your hands running through my hair when I was stressed. You’d always kiss the frown off my face and fix everything just by telling me you loved me. The nights you’d call me when you couldn’t sleep because you needed to hear my voice. That cute little giggle you’d do after you’d been laughing for awhile. The way you’d look at me when you told me you loved me. There wasn’t a single reminder of you that didn’t constantly play on a loop in my head, that didn’t buzz deep in my veins. But I felt such a large void in my heart without you around, and I thought that if I broke things off with you that it would go away. But in the months since then, it’s only grown. Only gotten worse. I don’t think I’ll ever survive losing you. 

I hope this letter finds you well. I hope you open it, and maybe decide to write me back. No pressure, though. 

Yours always,

Rafe

Dear Y/N, 

I don’t know if you’re getting sick of these. I really hope you aren’t. I gotta admit, writing to you makes me feel like we’re still connected. I still think we are. At least, on my end, we are. 

Life’s been really crazy, lately. Ward’s getting ready to hand Cameron Development over to me. Every day he tells me that he hopes I won’t run the damn thing into the ground while he’s gone, travelling with Rose. I honestly don’t know why he would let me run things when he obviously doesn’t have an ounce of faith in me. You always told me that his love didn’t have to be earned, and I’ve always known that you were right, but it really feels like I’ll never have it. I wish you were here. You always make things better. 

Anyway, I’m on the road to Raleigh, and I can’t help but think about our crazy road trip last summer. We had no freakin’ clue where we were going, but honestly, I didn’t care. I just wanted to be with you. Your infectious laughter and your terrible singing along to All Too Well (the ten minute version, obviously) is what kept me going that entire drive. That, and when you’d shower me with kisses all over my cheek when you got bored. I loved that shit. 

I’ve been missing you like hell. I’ve already said this, but I really wish you were here. You’d make all this work worth it. ‘Cause, as of right now, I don’t really know why I’m doing all this. You aren’t here, and we don’t have the family we’d always dreamed about. Hopefully that changes in the near future. 

Yours (until my heart stops beating), 

Rafe

Dear Y/N, 

A little birdie by the name of Sarah let it slip that you’ve been keeping my letters. Truth is, I sent her to spy on you.

Okay, I didn’t. But I had you for a sec, didn’t I? 

I only know you have them because I begged her for hours to tell me how you were doing, and if you talked about me. Even then, I had to bribe her by saying I’d babysit the kids for an entire weekend so her and John B could go on a couples getaway. Totally worth it. 

Oh, and they threw me a party at work. Apparently I beat out Ward for some record. I don’t even remember what it’s called now. I had so much cake that I went into a sugar coma. It was red velvet, cream cheese icing. Your favourite. That’s probably why I ate so much. You’d go back for it so many times that by the time you were full, I’d be finishing all the rest. 

You still haven’t written me back, but that’s alright. Do it when you’re ready. If you’re ready. Again, no pressure. 

Anyway, I’m sitting here on my couch watching Gilmore Girls. Yes, I finally got around to watching it. I know you begged me to for ages and we never actually got the chance to do it, but it popped up on my ‘recommended’ the other day and I decided to give it a try. You were right. This show’s freakin’ hilarious. I swear Lorelai Gilmore is the reason you were always so witty with me. She’s so quick on her feet, it blows my mind. Also, please tell me that Rory becomes enjoyable again. I miss her Chilton days. I miss her and Jess. Does he ever come back? And please tell me that Luke and Lorelai are endgame. I mean, the horoscope!!! The man waited eight years for her. People probably thought he was crazy for doing so, but I get it. I’d wait centuries if it meant I got to end up with you. 

Yours (until the end of time),

Rafe

Dear Y/N, 

I’ve written you so many letters, I hope I’m not taking up too much space at your place. Hey, that rhymed. I should be a rapper. All right, I could never be a rapper. This is why I need you. You keep my delusional mind in check. 

The other day, I was on the ferry, riding over to the mainland, and when we reached, I swear I almost started driving to your house. Obviously, I didn’t. I chickened out. I thought about walking up to your doorstep, watching you open the door, and even dream-you was way too beautiful for me to handle. I almost gave myself a heart attack. One day, though, I’ll work up the courage. I wanna see you so badly, it’s killing me. 

Can I tell you something? I have this dream sometimes, more often than not. It takes place back when we were still in college. Instead of ending things between us, I drop everything and run to you. The journey takes all day long, but I don’t care. I make my way to you, and once I find you, I pull you into my arms and kiss the life out of you. You ask me what’s gotten into me, and I respond by saying that I never want to live without you. That being away from you is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with, and that life isn’t worth living if I’m not by your side. I get down on one knee, pull out a big ass rock from my pocket, and ask you to marry me. And you say yes. Every. Damn. Time. 

The reason I’m saying all this is because I want to give you a fair warning. I’m going to make that happen someday. Sure, we aren’t in school anymore, and we aren’t even together right now, but I don’t care. We’re going to end up together. I know it, and you know it. I promise you, Y/N, I’m going to come back for you. And when I do, I’ll never leave you again. The only place I ever want to be is right by your side, in our huge house that I’m going to build for us, with our kids running around and chasing our dog. The house will smell like a bakery all the time because of your huge sweet tooth, and it’ll most likely be a mess because we won’t be able to keep up with our crazy ass kids. But we’ll be together. And we’ll stay that way until we’re all old and grey. And I might be pushing it by saying this, but I’ll still be taking you to bed every night, ‘cause I know in my heart that you’ll still be getting me all bricked up even in our nineties. Please don’t hate me for saying that. 

Yours forever,

Rafe

You placed the last letter back into its envelope and added it to your large collection. Your heart warmed at Rafe’s declaration. You’d been rereading that one letter for a month now. You missed him terribly. You’d tried to write to him so many times, but each time you’d started, you just couldn’t go through with it. Your fear consumed you. You were petrified of the thought that once you opened yourself up again, Rafe would find another reason to leave you. You’d always known that it was hard for him to walk away from you, but it hurt you just the same. If not, more. 

Still, this was a side of him that you’d never seen before. He’d changed in the near year since you’d broken up. You could tell from the way he wrote to you. He’d never been as vulnerable and raw as he had been in those letters. He was bearing his soul to you, something he was always unable to truly do. There was always a small part of him that was closed off, even to you. But that part seemed to have vanished. 

Just as you placed the crate of letters back on your shelf, your doorbell rang. Your heart raced as you approached the door. You opened it, and there, finally, he stood.

Rafe slapped his hand to his heart. “God, I was right. Way too beautiful. Take it easy on me, would you?”

You didn’t answer. Instead, you threw your arms around his neck and practically jumped into his arms. He returned your embrace quickly, squeezing you tightly and keeping you pressed to him as one hand cradled the back of your head. 

After a moment, you hesitantly pulled away, your tears clouding your vision. You opened your mouth to speak, but Rafe beat you to it.

“I’m so sorry, baby. I love you. I love you so much. I—”

You cut him off. “—Shut up and kiss me, fiancé.”

“Fiancé? Yeah? You wanna marry me?”

“Of course I do. You’re still mine, right?”

“Yours,” he confirmed, punctuating it with a kiss. “Always.” Kiss. “Until my heart stops beating.” Kiss. “Until the end of time.” Kiss.

He leaned his forehead against yours, his eyes closing as he let out a content sigh. “Forever.” 

RAFE TAG LIST (JOIN HERE!): @surftrips @oncasette @taintedxkisses @maybankslover @goldenroutledge @penny4yourthoughts @bmo-bri @hemogloban @princessbetsy123-blog @slytherhoes @whoisdrewstarkey @dreamingwithrafe @vigilanteshitposting @twelfthmortalofcrimsonpalace @wildflwrdarlin @adoreyouusugar @f4ll-for-you @tell-me-when-ur-ready @bbycowboi @jjmaybankisbae @jjsbank444 @enhypens-hoe @loverofdrewstarkey @countryclubkook @earth2starkey @angelofcigs @koalalafications @aerangi @cantstoptheimagines @bloody-mf-bsc @maybanksbabe @slut4drudy @dancinglikeaballerina @somerandos-world @shahanaazsoumah @darleneslane @sya-skies @ellabellabus07 @emmalandry @madelynie @urbestieboo @cruzgrecia @l1lactheflower @rafegirly @thatsthewaythechrissycrumbles @gillybear17 @obaex @abbybarnesstuff @mattyskies

[lilpotatjj]

hiiii, I love Ur style of writing. I was wondering if you could write bella ramsey smut. Idm what abt I'm js obsessing over them atm haha

A/N: sry that it took me so long. Here you go. Just raw smut without big story cause we all are horny aren't we? ;) enjoy and thx so much for ur request

Warning: SMUT, a bit language, horny Bella and Fem!Reader, just raw smut

Masterlist

☆Pure Pleasure☆

"You said you'd be home at 8p.m.!" Your eyes drift disappointedly to Bella, who is just coming in the door and taking off her shoes.

"Sorry honey, but some of the scenes didn't work out the way I imagined. That's why we shot longer. I'm sorry"

She takes a shower and shortly afterwards comes out of the bathroom, wrapped only in a towel, and sits down with you. But your gaze does not cross hers. "Hey, seriously, I'm really sorry. Are you mad?"

"What does it look like?"

"Well...that you're mad?" She says, trying to catch your gaze, in which she fails miserably.

"We've had almost no time together in the last four weeks...no TV night or just hanging out"

"Then we'll do it soon" Bella looks at you determinedly.

"That's not enough for me..." your gaze continues to avoid Bella's.

"What...? What else is there?" Her face speaks question marks.

"Bella I'm frustrated. Can't you tell? We both sleep when we're tired and what about this between us? I miss you...I miss your body!" Now you finally look at her.

"Oh...you mean...-" she doesn't get any further cause you can't hold on any longer and kiss her stormily. A little taken by surprise by your wildness, she only hesitantly responds to your kiss.

"You want now? Are you sure?" She looks at you uncertainly.

"Bella...if we don't have sex right now, I'm going to go crazy!" You look deep into her eyes. Now it's Bella who suddenly kisses you, at first reservedly, but slowly much more dominantly.

She pushes you down on the bed and continues to kiss you wildly, laying on top of you.

"Take your fucking clothes off!" You sit up and let Bella help you get rid of your clothes. Undressed, she goes at you again without hesitation, kissing you further and the two of you have a fight for the lead.

You claw at her hair and she presses against you. "You'll beg me to stop when I start!" Bella's gaze is fixed on you, completely aroused.

"Prove it to me!" You challenge her out, biting her lips tenderly and demandingly between kisses.

You press your pelvis against Bella's and beg for satisfaction without saying anything. She grins cheekily and teases you, pushing her pelvis away so it doesn't touch yours.

"Oooh..come on baby..don't make me squirm!" You pout, looking to the side, which Bella takes advantage of and starts kissing you behind the ear, moving on to your neck and shoulder to elicit a sweet moan.

"That's my girl" Bella breathes tenderly into your ear and touches one of your breasts just to provoke you further. "I want to hear your sweet voice" her grip tightens, just to make it clear who is in charge.

You groan and look lost into her eyes. Eyes in which you can simply lose yourself. She works her way to your chest with her kisses, her fingers moving directly to your golden centre and gently caressing your clit.

The gentle movements only make you more melt and you feel how charged you are with all the tingling and the cold shivers running down your spine.

She just circles very slowly, which almost makes you boil over, the abstinence between you both was too long.

"Slow down! slow down! Too fast....I'll cum....too soo- Bella! wait!" but she doesn't think about it, grins contentedly and lets all the beautiful feelings wash over you while you squeeze your eyes together and moan loudly giving yourself totally to Bella.

You need a moment to catch your breath. "Bella kisses you and lies down on top of you.

"Too soon..." the disappointing undertone can't be ignored. Bella smirks and rubs her sweet spot right over yours. You look a little surprised into her eyes, but you don't feel any overstimulation, the desire is still too great.

A sweet moan but this time from her, she kisses you tenderly, leaving you no pause to catch your breath.

"Jeezz you're all wet" Bella's breathing gets more ponderous. She keeps biting your neck, leaving little marks and licking it apologetically. "I want everyone to see that you're mine!" She keeps nibbling, moaning into it and getting faster in her movements.

"You're too naughty!" With a blurry look you try to catch her sight but she hides in your neck.

"I'm about to cum baby" Bella wheezes.

"Oh dare you hide! I want to see you" you grab her chin and push her up gently and firmly so that you can see her almost helplessly pathetic lost look.

Her legs tremble and her breath quivers with excitement. "You are so pretty when you cum!" You grin playfully and join in with her moans. Both of you are a moaning mess, enjoying each other.

You both reach your climax clearly audible. You gasp for air, Bella's legs trembling and she falls on top of you, exhausted.

"Sounded like I wasn't the only one who needed it" you kiss her hair and hug her tightly. "I love you"

"I love you too darling" her head rests relaxed on your chest "I'll try to find more time. We'll soon be through with the long drawn out scenes"

"It's ok...I'll wait for you as long as I have to".

"You are so sweet" Bella smirks in love.

[bonefall]

OHHH OK now im curious. bc of this ask: https://www.tumblr.com/bonefall/729548700508160000/could-be-like-my-cousin-shes-100-percent-deaf-in?source=share about dovewing being deaf. do cats in the BB AU have a signed form of clanmew? or is it basic gestures/just the written form of clanmew for deaf/HOH cats?

signed,

someone who really loves languages (hoping to god i spelled everything right/actually used the right words. ive been rewatching 3 hour psych lectures sine 6am...)

They have a rudimentary writing system! Clan glyphs be upon ye

It's not phonetic Clanmew, it's glyphs. Snowkit, before his tragic death saving Tawnykit, was actually OBSESSED with these. If he'd survived, he would have built these out into something he could use to communicate with. He was actually a really interesting kid.

But, unfortunately... that passion went with him. Whitewing is the next cat born with a hearing problem, and she's really uninterested in them. She isn't the same creative person that he was, and struggled with the fact that her family seemed to imply she had to "live the life he couldn't."

(note: in BB, dovewing is lionblaze's adopted daughter and bio-niece.)

I think there's going to be a big of a tragedy at play, here. Whitewing has figured out her own methods of communication. It's not a full language, but she's able to communicate basic intent with "rudimentary signs" she's created on her own.

She was only ONE degree of separation away from Dovewing (as Birchfall's, Dove's mentor, mate), but...everyone was forcing Dovewing into what THEY felt she needed. More hunting practice, more glyph practice, more lip-reading. Dovewing wasn't allowed to set her own pace or learn in her own way.

And her response was to bolt, taking all the possibility with her.

IT was the right choice for Dovewing, I think. She thinks that too. But, it wasn't the ONLY choice, you know? There's always things left unsaid and things you'll never be able to try when you make such a big decision. Who knows what could have been?

Maybe Dove and White would have ended up creating the start of a brand new dialect of Clanmew Sign Language, or changed the glyph system in a way that fit them better. Maybe that's not what matters; maybe they would have just been able to make each other feel less alone.

But as it is...

Every deaf, HOH, and mute cat in BB is currently disconnected from each other. They can't pool their skills except at Gatherings.

So Fallowfern, Dovewing, Whitewing, and Stoneclaw all have their own unique way of communicating.

There are tail signs which are used for battle, and glyphs which are used for writing.

Info: Those who go deaf later in life are still usually able to speak. Those who were born deaf often have a harder time. (Clarifying because this is apparently not common knowledge?)

OH! Bonus! Here's how each of those four tend to communicate!

Dovewing

She's REALLY frustrated by everyone forcing solutions on her. I think part of her actually really likes that she can say whatever and then not hear the response. It's like, "Deal with it. Show me you care with your actions if it's so important."

ZERO patience for people who just try to talk over her. She will immediately respect you if you listen to her carefully; only then will she give you the time of day to try and talk back. She kinda treats it like a privilege to talk to her, and she WILL revoke it without remorse.

People who have earned this privilege;

Heartstar. Naturally. And all of their children.

All of the Guardian cats, especially Antfur who is her best friend.

Violetshine, weirdly enough. She visits ShadowClan now and then and Dovewing is very fond of her and her wife and husband.

Strikestone and her new family

Squirrelflight

Briarlight

Alderheart and Sparkpelt

Twigbranch

Fernsong (BUT HE IS ON THIN. ICE. As Ivypool's husband.)

Her preferred method of being talked to is glyph writing. Heartstar is really creative with them, and it's super endearing. She improvises signs a lot and draws full pictures, making whole "doodle pages", even writing little "love letters" in the dirt before Dove wakes up. Literally peak romance, Dovewing loves her wife so muchhh

Whitewing

Also has low patience, but in a more "quick" way. She doesn't like people who take a lot of her time trying to phrase something simple and act awkwardly around her. Time is prey to Whitewing-- cut to the chase and communicate what you need her to do.

Interestingly, this leads to her really disliking Bramblestar as a leader. He's very inattentive to her needs when he organizes patrols on his own. She has very strong opinions and bad synergy with some of her Clanmates, and if she's forced on a patrol with them it ruins her day.

(She's really relieved when Squilf is reinstated post-BOTTE, Squilf knows about this quirk and accounts for it.)

Her love with Birchfall was actually a long time in the making. He really sees her, and something about the way they communicate just clicks. It's easy. They were friends, then partners, and then eventually mates and have been close their whole lives. Their body language just makes sense to each other.

She's been deaf her whole life and only knows a few very important words, but won't "speak" words if she doesn't have to. She does have a habit of making noises when she's happy though, beeping, meowing, and meeping when she's surprised and "not in work mode."

Whitewing is the kind of deaf cat in those videos who sees their human is home and goes "MEEEEEEEEEA." She would walk into a bathroom and wail so she could feel the vibrations on her paws. Vocalizing feels good. She is NOT a quiet person unless she's hunting.

Her preferred method of communication is mostly modified tail signs, but ThunderClan broadly uses glyphs, but she doesn't want to correct them on it. She feels bad telling them it's frustrating that they take so long to draw.

Stoneclaw

She has selective mutism. Her vigil was the night of the WindClan Massacre, and while sitting outside the camp with her temporary silence, ShadowClan attacked and killed her sister Thrushwing in front of her.

At first, WindClan thought it was nobility, that she'd "carried out her vigil to the bitter end." But it never healed. It's not a choice, it's trauma. She can speak when she's extremely relaxed but it's a really rare circumstance.

But, the legacy is to her benefit. She's the granddaughter of Tallstar (through Flylight, his adopted son), has an honorable story, and is a strong and confident warrior... in the daytime. She never hunts at night, when the sun sets, so does she.

(Clan cats are crepuscular, working in the morning and in the evening, but Stoneclaw only takes daylight shifts.)

Glyphs serve her fine, but she really dislikes using tail signs to communicate... brings up really bad memories.

She would REALLY benefit from someone making an effort to "legitimize" some sort of CSL, it would be like a support club to her. SO if it ever happened, Stoneclaw would jump at the chance to join. She's probably friends with Fallowfern though, once SkyClan arrives. Stoneclaw lives to become a very old girl.

Fallowfern

Mom of the Road Safety Man, guy who knows a million words for vehicles, Rabbitleap, and best friend and co-parent with Hawkwing, Plumwillow, Fallowfern is an old cat who ends up losing her hearing later in life like Dovewing!

I'm actually not entirely decided on her personality, but I'm feeling that she'd make a really good "glue" to hold everyone together. Like some kind of organizer-type person, someone who's very good at networking. She's really upset to be losing her hearing, it signifies a lot of really negative things to her.

She suddenly can't talk with a lot of people... even the ones who are reaching out to her are doing exactly that. Reaching out to her.

She likes being the reacher-outerer. It feels like being old and washed up.

SkyClan is a very good, connected Clan, with bonds notoriously VERY strong in comparison to the other Forest Four because of shared persecution... but

She's got this awful feeling that everyone's just coddling her, being nice to her, sending her to the elder's den like a trinket on a shelf.

"Does this mean... does this mean I'm going to lose music? Will anyone dance with me ever again? Do my babies want me to join them, or... or are they just tolerating stinky old mama <:( ?"

They're NOT, btw. Of course not. She's Fallowfern and she means a lot to them.

So I think at the VERY least, she finds a fondness for Stoneclaw at Gatherings. Elder friends, girlies who bond over making little grandma bracelets, but I'm not sure if it's HIT them yet that they can do something very cool together.

In fact it would be kind of funny if they weren't even aware of each other's disabilities at first, like they just started hanging out quietly. Fallowfern assumed that Stoneclaw just doesn't have anything to say and Stoneclaw figured Fallowfern was respecting her silence.

Like something just gravitated them to each other in the most natural, orbital way.

And then Snapstorm, Stoneclaw's wife, bumbles up like "Hey babe who's your friend :) ?" And Stoneclaw smiles, nods at Fallowfern to introduce herself, and then Fallow's like... "Oh I can't hear you, honey."

Stone: !!! (Taps self and makes a crossing motion over her throat)

Fallow: O_O "Ohhhh"

BUT, anyway,

Her preferred form of communication is unequivocally glyphs. I imagine SkyClan might have more written characters than other Clans, simply because they used them a LOT during their time apart under Spiderstar's Plan. Plus, they used to see a lot of road signs which they may have just adopted as glyphs.

Hmm... yeah, seems very cute that The Road Family's traffic theme continues, lmao

[prentissluvr]

For your relationship he milestone event!

Character: Emily Prentiss (Criminal Minds)

Dynamic: Romantic

In the CM universe, my occupation would likely be a child/adolescent therapist (which is my dream job I'm currently going to college for). Four words l'd use to describe myself are sensitive, kind, anxious, and loyal. Some of my hobbies are listening to music (currently fav artist is Chappell Roan) and creating art (drawing and writing). My favorite love language to give and receive is quality time and/or words of affirmation. I have a bit of an obsession with birds and psychology. I really love learning about both subjects, they are so interesting! Finally, I'm afraid of being misunderstood (AuDHD) and of spiders.

Congrats on your milestone! I can't wait to see what other stuff you write and do! Have a good day/night!

—Jay💜💜

hello hello jay !! thank you so much sweetest!! so excited for an emily request!! i hope you have the loveliest day/night as well!!

+ .⠄ ꒱ SIT BACK, RELAX, AND IMAGINE . . .

[ 🖇 ] ahhh i totally think that you and emily would meet while she's on a case, maybe you'd be consulting to help them out!

[ 🖇 ] she would immediately be struck by your intelligence and by how much you care about your job and the children that you help

[ 🖇 ] she picks up very quickly on your sensitivity and kindness, and does her best to calm your anxieties (since talking with scary fbi people can be, well you know, scary)

[ 🖇 ] once again, she’s just immediately really drawn to your knowledge, kindness, and loyalty

[ 🖇 ] she’s really interested by you and leaves you her card (with her number underlined) and actually ends up being the first to call you again because she thinks you could help the team with a new case

[ 🖇 ] she’s all like “actually i know someone, they’re so smart and could totally help us”

[ 🖇 ] and the second time you meet she asks you to coffee

[ 🖇 ] she’s extra glad about that decision because she hears chappell roan playing from your office before you turn it off and it’s not her usual music style but she loves chappell roan so much and no one can change my mind about that

[ 🖇 ] in terms of your relationship in general after you start dating, she really just loves everything about you

[ 🖇 ] she finds you really interesting and enjoyable to be around, and her love language is definitely quality time as well, especially because it’s hard to find that

[ 🖇 ] that makes every moment she can spend with you so so special to her!!

[ 🖇 ] she’s also a fan of giving and receiving words of affirmation as well, she’s very likely to give lots of words of affirmation, especially when you’re feeling anxious or misunderstood

[ 🖇 ] she really does her best to reassure you, and she really likes to be the one who can make you smile again or help you to feel better

[ 🖇 ] though she doesn’t show it outwardly as much, she really really appreciates the fact that you also give words of affirmation

[ 🖇 ] she knows that she is capable and smart, but when you affirm to her that she’s a good lover to you, that’s so important and special to her and makes her feel loved <3

[ 🖇 ] emily also really appreciates the overlap in your interests about psychology!! she’s more than happy to blab on about profiling for you because she knows you love to hear it

[ 🖇 ] even moreso, she loves to hear you talk about psychology because you’ll know about certain areas and ideas that she doesn’t

[ 🖇 ] even if you’re repeating something she already knows, she doesn’t care because she just loves to listen to you talk, especially about the things you love!

[ 🖇 ] so this definitely applies to your obsession with birds!!

[ 🖇 ] ornithology isn’t something that emily is particularly interested in on her own, but she completely adores how much you love birds

[ 🖇 ] she’s more than happy to listen to you talk about birds and indulge your obsession by going bird watching with you or buying you plushies of your favorite kinds of birds

[ 🖇 ] while emily is totally a city girl, she really appreciates that your interest in birds makes her get out there and into city parks or somewhere much more nature-y with better birding!

[ 🖇 ] she might not remember a ton about all of the bird facts you feed her, but she does her best to file information away about it anyways

[ 🖇 ] she’ll find herself identifying birds you always point out to her while with the rest of the team and they’ll be like “i didn’t know you knew so much about birds” and if you don’t mind her talking about you, she’ll gush that it’s actually you and your amazing knowledge!

[ 🖇 ] if she’s going somewhere on a case where you can find certain birds that don’t live in the dc region, she’ll keep an eye out for birds that you told her she might see there!

[ 🖇 ] and she might not actually be able to identify most of them, but once she sent you a picture of a mountain bluebird when she was on a case in the west!

[ 🖇 ] alright away from the birds and ontothe fears lol

[ 🖇 ] once emily finds out that you worry about being misunderstood, she is always doing her best to never be the one to put you in that position

[ 🖇 ] she already has knowledge about audhd, but she’s going to do as much research as she can and ask you as many questions as you’re comfortable with to makes sure that she understands you to the best of her ability

[ 🖇 ] being nuerodivergent can be difficult, especially as an adult in the workforce who needs to mask a lot, so emily is always doing her best to help you ease the pressure by making sure you feel like you don’t have to mask around her

[ 🖇 ] and yes! emily will absolutely take swift care of any spiders that might come near you!

[ 🖇 ] she is your spider-killing knight in shining armor hehe

[ 🖇 ] oh! and i almost forgot about your creative hobbies!

[ 🖇 ] honestly, emily does not have the time or necessarily interest in creative hobbies herself, which make her love that about you even more!

[ 🖇 ] she is a huge huge fan of anything you create and is just in total awe with what you do!

[ 🖇 ] she’s so grateful and happy that you bring more creativity and art into her life, and is always so encouraging about you pursuing those hobbies!

[petrichor-idyllic]

Hello! I am obsessed w ur Maze runner fics omgggg. could I request a Gally x female reader where shes autistic and the gladers think shes just a little strange but he thinks her quirkiness is cute!! love you 😇

FINALLY I get to write for my boy Gally.

I'd like to preface this by saying I am probably neurodivergent myself, but I am not diagnosed or an expert and I have researched into autistic traits in girls for this piece. I am sorry for any inaccuracies.

A BIT DIFFERENT PT. 1

MASTERLIST | GALLY MASTERLIST

PART 1 | PART 2

SUMMARY: See above. Track-hoe! Fem! Autistic! Reader x Gally. Takes place before the arrival of Thomas.

WARNINGS: Inappropriate language, some of the Gladers acting like dicks, my potentially slightly inaccurate depiction of autism. That's it.

You aren't quite like the other Gladers.

Well, the obvious is that you're a girl- a very rare occurrence in the Glade since you're the only one.

Though, you're not the kind of girl the Gladers expected (*cough* wanted *cough*). Based off of their very limited and slightly stereotypical knowledge of women.

Obviously.

When you came up in the Box, you panicked more than most. Which can easily be because you were a girl surrounded by a dozen boys. Which is terrifying.

But then you didn't speak.

The emotions and stress of it all led to you becoming completely non-verbal. It wasn't that you didn't want to speak, but it was like every time you tried, no words came out.

Most of the boys tried talking to you at least once, but they have no understanding of personal space and you hated how loud they spoke all the time.

A lot of them gave up after a while.

They thought you were weird. You avoided eye contact, weren't really sure how to read their emotions and hated the boisterous nature of the majority of the population.

Even when you did regain your voice, you took little interest in their conversations and they took your blank state as being rude. But you weren't being rude; you would listen and nod but you didn't take interest in them, so you didn't act like you did.

Things got better when you got a job as a Track-hoe. You found an affinity for plants and very quickly gave Zart a run for his money in the Gardens. Through experience and writing down all your findings in a small notebook Minho gave you during your first week or so when you wouldn't speak- you now know everything about the Gardens.

All of the plants name, their ideal growing conditions, all the uses they possess and even how to cook them properly. Frypan's veg stew has greatly improved since your arrival.

You could spend hours talking about the Gardens, though most of the boys don't really care about that.

A lot of the boys find you strange, like I previously said. There are a few that keep an eye on you and extend their kindness. Newt and Frypan amongst that crowd with Minho turning a blind eye to the robbery of his Map supplies so you can use them for your notes. It keeps your interactions brief and it means he doesn't have to endorce your plant rambles. The man is far too busy.

Though, not all the Gladers are simply being polite.

The first time you met Gally was when one of the boys stole your book and was teasing you about it. He punched him squared in the jaw, scaring the shit out of you and landing Gally a twenty-four hour hold in the Slammer.

You decided to approach him at his work after that, thanking him for looking out for you.

And you actually kind of became friends after that.

You held back at first, but when Gally started asking you about your job, you started telling him everything.

He actually genuinely enjoys hearing what you have to say. And he finds your blunt and occasionally out of pocket comments amusing.

He thinks it's cute. He doesn't really know when he started crushing on you. But your quirks and mannerisms always bring a smile to his face.

He also becomes your guard dog. Absolutely no one is going to mess with you, especially when the machine that is Gally is glaring at them from a few feet away.

You don't like Bonfire nights. Sure, it's great that you have another boy to add to the population, but you don't enjoy the celebrations. They're loud and the fires burn bright and everyone is touching or fighting. It makes your chest feel tight and you can hear the blood pumping around your skull. You hate it.

So, you sit away from the commotion, your legs crossed as you doodle another sketch of a plant, labelling the different parts.

"Yo, Green-thumb," you look up to find Gally approaching, two glasses of his suspicious liquid in hand. "Fancy a drink?"

Green-thumb is something he called you jokingly once, and now it's kind of stuck.

"Sure," you smile at him as he sits down next to you, passing you a drink. "Wouldn't you rather be enjoying the Bonfire?"

"Nah, I've kicked enough Greenie butt for one day." You scoff, putting your book down for a second to take a sip.

You visibly cringe at the harsh taste. You don't like the drink, but Gally's made it, so some small part of you is determined to drink it.

"Whatcha writing about today?" He picks up your book, admiring your handwork. "Yarrow, eh?"

"Mhm," you nod, fiddling with your pencil. "It's good for headaches and sickness. It's a wildflower I found in the Deadheads and moved some here so the Medjacks have easy access to it. It'll probably be useful in the morning if everything keeps drinking this klunk." You swill the drink around the jar and Gally chuckles.

"You don't have to drink it."

"I know," you unintentionally snap, "I want to. You made it."

Gally's heart flutters at this comment, even if it is just plain honesty to you. He looks away, blinking as he looks at your perfectly organised Gardens.

"What?" You ask.

"What what?"

"You look flustered."

"I'm not."

"Okay."

He hesitates, deciding to finally ask a question he's been meaning to ask. He clears his throat. "Would you, uh, would you ever consider dating someone?"

You tilt you head, looking at him whilst he avoids eye contact. "In the Glade?"

"Uh, yeah, if someone's caught your eye?"

You shrug. "Maybe. But you're the only person here I like."

There's a pause as Gally processes that. He knows you well enough by now that you don't mean it that way; you're just blunt.

"Yeah, but you like me as a friend, right?"

Now, you pause. Honestly, you're not really sure. You think Gally is attractive, but it's not like you're friends with many people to compare how you feel about Gally to how you feel about other friends.

So, you shrug.

The line of questioning is starting to make you panic, though.

Gally raises his eyebrow. "You... don't know?"

"Yeah, I don't know." He doesn't know what to say to this. "But it doesn't really matter, right?"

Friendships and relationships aren't that different. It's just a close friendship with some physical attributes.

That's it, really.

Gally knows you. But he's still learning to see things how you see them.

"Yeah, I guess."

This is the conversation that plagued Gally's mind for a long time.

He didn't mean to start acting like a dick. But Gally is Gally, and he isn't the best at expressing his emotions in a healthy way.

So, he unintentionally starts avoiding you.

Somehow, saying you don't know if you like him is worse than flat out rejecting him. And he'd rather go without.

You, however, are taking this horrendously.

It's been days now and safe far you've thrown a trowel at someone and ripped some fiddly vines off of one of the support growers.

The Glade is starting to notice your rise in temper, which ends up resulting in a confrontation.

You don't like confrontation, but it's been a week and you don't know what you've done wrong.

"Did I do something?" You ask Gally.

He's in the middle of his work, fixing one off the old shacks with a couple of other boys.

They all freeze.

It's rare for you to be away from the Gardens in the middle of the day, and they don't want to see why.

"Uh, give us a moment," Gally instructs his colleagues and they don't hesitate to listen. "Look, (Y/N)-"

"What did I do? Are you mad at me?"

"Wha- no." He sighs. "I'm not mad at you."

"Then what's wrong? Why are you avoiding me?" He goes silent for a moment. "Gally, what did I do? Do you not like me, anymore? Did I-"

"I like you."

You're perplexed. "I like you, too? So, why are you being a dick?"

"No," he scoffs, throwing his head back. "I like like you. Like, I wanna go on dates and klunk. A-and you said you didn't know how you felt about me and it was like you didn't even care."

You stand there, blinking at him.

In his absence, you realised that you do like Gally. You didn't think you'd miss talking to someone, you definitely don't care when don't hear from Newt or Frypan for weeks.

But you missed Gally.

He opens his mouth again to speak, but he doesn't get the chance when you rush towards him. Throwing your arms around him, you hug him, which completely startles him and knocks him backwards.

You've never hugged him before.

"I think I like you, too," you mumble as his arms come to loosely hang around your waist. You pull back slightly, looking at him.

He grins. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," you nod.

His eyes flicker to your lips and you do the same before meeting his gaze again. "Can I kiss you?" You ask, forward as always.

He chuckles. "Please."

You lean forward, not quite sure what you're doing but it's a peck that sparks a fire inside you.

You pull away, resting your foreheads against each other, enjoying the peaceful moment.

"Oi," Alby makes you both jump from a few feet away, "get back to work, shanks. The shuck are you doing?"

You awkwardly step back, feeling heat rush to your face as you sheepishly look at the floor.

Gally, however, is grinning from ear to ear.

You like him.

And that's more than enough for him.

First Gally fic done. A bit shorter than some others but I wasn't quite sure what else to do with this.

I hope you enjoyed anyway :))

[a-hobit]

Since Luz and Hunter in your switched AU are born in 1600s colonial America and Luz clearly speaks Spanish in the AU (shown in a comic) and is Latina (specifically Dominican) in show cannon, is there any history stuff you’re adhering especially considering the differences between Spanish and English colonies in location and demographic or are you ✨going rogue?✨ Is Luz an indigenous-Spanish mix like many Latinos are today? How would she have gotten to mainland since a lot of Spanish claim was in the Caribbean or Florida and treatment of indigenous people by Europeans, specifically Spanish and British, was notoriously brutal? Sorry if I’m absolutely overthinking this. This is coming from a history nerd, so I’m just curious how that’s going to work considering the realities of racial divides in colonial settlements during 1600s America and the relatively small number of Spanish people that actually would’ve lived there by then. AGAIN SORRY IF I’M OVERTHINKING IT I’M JUST A NERD FEEL FREE TO JUST BE LIKE “NAH.”

OH btw, I noticed a comment in a comic that implied trans Hunter and just wanted to mention that there’s some super interesting accounts of LGBTQIA+ people from the time period if you’re interested. I know of a fan work about Caleb and Phillip where Caleb is trans that covers that extensively if you want a link.

I LOVE ASKS LIKE THIS ANON!! Because IM overthinking it but at least someone else is too! So there's a lot I can't answer due to spoilers -- and I actually will be explaining a fair bit because I just am so charmed at how we are so on the same wavelength here so if you don't want to not know literally anything even a little bit spoilery about Luz or Hunter before the comic comes out I would ignore this ask! -- but I will go into some of it!

Okay! So I tossed and turned on this exact issue for FUCKING MONTHS. Go rouge or loophole? How historically accurate did I want to go with this concept and how much of that accuracy am I sacrificing for just needing something to be a certain way? Do I want to be as accurate as possible or have a cohesive and interesting story?

The answer is a little bit of both! Im much more of an art history nerd than a straight up history nerd but I have my moments! I love the sociopolitical conundrum having a latina Dominican (ALSO half black! Love that about her but SO hard to write in!) girl in 1600s America because it can be as little or as highly complicated as you can get. I drew a lot of inspiration for a long few months pouring over what groups of people were where and when -- what languages they spoke -- wether the books that I could find could describe a day to day of these people rather than just political conflicts.

Footnote : There are certain Native American groups so fucking overlooked that they don't even have ONE BOOK of comprehensive (non war centered) history that isn't a four year old reading level. I looked for WEEKS. I tried everywhere and was even willing to start to buy reading material but it just doesn't exist? Especially around the original colonies????? HOW!! People around me started telling me I should write a book because of how much I was obsessing over it and trying to find any information but no books can be written on close to NONEXISTENT historical writings! OKAY BACK TO IT--

I looked out for the first sightings of Spanish in the west and where they were headed -- wether or not any Spanish broke away from the group to have children with the Native Americans in the area at the right time -- what the political state was between Britain and Spain -- did they occupy the same or around the same places close enough I could fudge it? Were they friendly toward each other? When were slaves from other countries brought to America? What languages would they have spoken and is there a good translator online? What kind of spanglish can come from Angola, Umbundu and Spanish speakers at the time? Or would it be spanglish with Portuguese because of who was controlling the slave trade at the time?

Tearing out my hair and a hundred more google searches later I decided it wasn't worth the misrepresentation of both languages to try and include either of them mixed together in that way in the whole comic-- just bits and pieces separate for my sanity -- although I WILL get some cultural things in there I promise!

Some things just can not stay historically accurate and one of those things is speech. That was the first thing -- so damn difficult to really pin it down properly in the older dialects so I just had to sadly put that away first. All of the languages written about will be mostly modern versions, English, Spanish, Portuguese, and others but while keeping in mind the time frame.

Next I obsessed about when and where exactly would culture mixing begin and if the people stayed in the same spots! Also unfortunate ( for this AU purpose only! )that most of the Spanish went down and not into the Americas but history will be what it is.

SO

I decided that what I was going to do is make it up a little using a lot of historical context available instead of switching up Luz's race in a serious way to make the accuracy better -- I was going to have things happen MUCH sooner. Like 2 or 3 generations sooner. The Native Americans and Spanish populate together in 1500 ish instead of 1700 or 1800. I GET THIS IS REALLY INACCURATE but it was so fucking impossible to do anything else without getting into things I didn't want to do. The British get there the same time as usual and start the colonies in the 1600s but the Spanish are already moving up into North America and have already spent a lot of time with the Native Americans there at the time. SO that means that Luz is able to have a Native Mexican/ Native American AND Spanish mix at the time of the AU start and be similar to how the population became around now -- my dad inspired this! He's got the same mix himself and I loved that I could pull from that. It's such an interesting genetic tree honestly -- there's a lot of seriously horrible things that happened do not get me wrong -- but the history is amazing.

Luz being half black however feels similarly difficult but it follows the same principles of things with everyone who is not British making things happen much earlier. Africans come to America ( Horrifically and brutally I want to make that very clear) and some in real life of course make their way out of that brutality and hide away from the British and the Spanish...with who? The mixed Natives and Spaniards. Couple of generations later and we have a beautiful mixed pot like the America we see today but hundreds of years early that allows me to keep my afro Latina!! Hunter eventually finds this group that has naturally traveled up into where the british are setting up their first settlements in Virginia and joins them for reasons I can not explain!

THANK YOU for letting me ramble about all this rich history it is incredible.

ALSO I love trans Hunter HC and I do a lot of it myself but in this comic Hunter is cisgender. ( BUT seriously if you wanna hc Hunter as trans in my story I would love it -- trans fem or masc because Hunter is one of the transest coded characters ever) Because both him and Luz are attracted to the same and opposite sex I will still be able to explore certain LGBTQIA+ issues as well!

(DISCLAIMER : Listen I completely understand if this switching around might feel tone deaf to some people but I do not intend to shy away from the brutality of the past or give it a nicer spin -- but this is not a comic focused on the nitty gritty details of the world that Luz and Hunter come from but a focus on the nastiness that comes from later in their lives in Gravesfeild and the witch trials. To have this happen and keep all characters relatively the same I had to do a lot of background but It is worth it to keep these characters with their integrity intact)

[chiomaus]

observations on germany from a british person

very cool i would love to live there one day

political system less fucked than the UK (im really bitter on UK politics and brexit atm). not perfect by any means and has the same issues as we do here with the alt-right, but no shitty first-past-the-post system and people still seem to be largely in favour of the EU

public transport my beloved. people clown on the unreliability of german trains but i don't think UK trains are much better AND ours are way more expensive (love the deutschland ticket 👌). i love how ubiquitous the tram/metro is in german cities

better cycling infrastructure. in a lot of places you're just allowed to ride on the path, which (duh) is safer than riding on the road

love the Pfand system. very cool

love the recycling system. very cool

more tolerant of graffiti?? in that it doesn't seem to get cleaned off as quickly as in the UK. which actually leads to people creating cool art bc they know it won't get removed rather than writing their tag 5 times on the side of a building

somewhat less polite and less respectful of personal space. but i also met so many kind and helpful people while i was there. shout out to the woman on the U-Bahn with her daughter who helped me figure out how to get home the one time i had issues with the train. also my Airbnb hosts who invited me to dinner at their apartment (white asparagus and potatoes!)

just generally there seems to be way more arts and culture around. even walking under a railway bridge there were cool poster designs for shows and such

housing market slightly less fucked?? some rent control laws, less obsession with owning a house, more compact housing. possibly related: high streets don't seem to be dying like they are here

great vegetarian and vegan food. really didn't expect this but there is so much you can buy in the supermarkets. i love the vegetarian ham and i'm sad we don't have it here

largely into football and beer. so we are alike in that regard. but i am not into football or beer and coincidentally neither were any of the people i met

has four of the world's suspended monorails. cool!

beautiful language idc what anyone else says. you really do put your whole pussy into it when you speak german. i like how compound words are constructed like legos and the esoteric sentence structures are interesting (really does bury the lede when multiple important verbs are sent to the end of a sentence). don't like adjective endings though

cash everywhere but i did go into one cafe in cologne which was card only

german TV is not great. i would imagine there is less motivation to create original german TV bc they just import the best international TV and dub it. tatort was good though i liked that

additionally: yes EVERYTHING is dubbed. best one i came across was futurama. good for me to practice my listening comprehension

internet is not great. slower on average than UK. but i never found myself without mobile signal

related: just generally slower to accept new technologies. i don't think this is awful. i know germany is big on privacy laws, but having to make in-person appointments for government stuff and not having a centralised government website like we do here sounds a pain

healthcare system less fucked than the UK. although the whole thing with public/private insurance seems confusing

unemployment benefits / disability benefits sound somewhat better than the UK??

autobahn is not actually faster than the UK on average bc for every 150kph stretch there will be another stretch with roadworks and a 60kph limit

less dogs :( i did see some nice dogs though. now that i think about it i didn't see a single cat, even outside of built-up areas. can't really find any info on this though

sensible laws around things like noise pollution, home schooling (illegal!), shop opening hours

i actually like that most places close on sunday. very peaceful and quiet

slightly more religious than the UK. there are some very cool brutalist churches though

OH YEAH. buildings in general just prettier. there seemed to be a different attitude to the UK when it came to rebuilding post-war (very much emulating what was there before). but even an ugly german building is more interesting to me than an ugly british building. i absolutely despise the soulless housing estates we have here

BMW / audi drivers still shit drivers

you have to pay for things like public toilets and water in restaurants

few more i thought of:

british people are better at queuing (i had to give us something)

british electrical plugs are vastly superior to EU electrical plugs

you don't have to pay for university in germany (practically – it's like €100??). i forgot this one bc i have already been saddled with £50,000~ of student debt so it's no longer relevant to me

you can buy a beer in mcdonalds in germany

ok that's everything that comes to mind. i know i am speaking as a tourist who has spent 2 weeks~ in germany total (and only the NRW region) so i guess i'll just have to keeping coming back to refine my opinion. and in the meantime if anyone from germany / EU wants to fall madly in love with me and marry me so i can sneak back into the EU that would be great. man or woman or other i am open-minded

[lookninjas]

Love Theme from House of Leaves

So.

POE.

Like I said, I don't usually explain the Bad Descriptions from my Bad Description Song Polls. Some of them I work hard on, some of them are just bad puns on the song lyrics or titles or whatever, but ultimately, the bad descriptions aren't really the point. The point is to get a couple people curious about artists they might not have heard before by erasing any preconceptions they might have about the artist, the genre, whatever. It's a goofy little game about my very serious love of music and my genuine desire to get people to experience the joys of just trying something new.

But then there's POE. Right? Specifically, there is Haunted by POE, an album that just straight up every time turns me into a four-hour video by an obsessed YouTuber down a really deep rabbit hole. Which is absolutely fitting, because as it turns out, Haunted comes from the same place as Mark Z. Danielewski's House of Leaves.

You see, POE's real name is Anne Danielewski. Mark is her brother. And, regardless of the protests of the dudes on the MZD forums back in 2004, HoL and Haunted come from the same place -- the death of their father, Tad Danielewski, and their subsequent attempts to reconcile their complicated emotions about their perfectionist father, their estranged mother, and their shared and separate childhoods. The works contrast and complement -- House of Leaves is a labyrinth for the reader to wander; Haunted is a cache of tapes from a lost loved one that both sheds light on the past and casts preconceived notions into doubt. They reference each other (the "Poe T" in HoL, the "growling voice" in "Hey Pretty"), but don't require each other.

Even their creation is tangled. She read his book as he was writing it; he listened to her songs as she recorded them. He read a passage of his book over top of the album's first single when she was told radio was "just not playing women;" she took him on tour with her when she was opening for Depeche Mode. It was from the start a kind of double act.

And then it just wasn't anymore.

If there's a villain in this story, it is -- in a weird twist of foreshadowing -- WarnerMedia. Specifically, it is the disastrous AOL -- Time Warner merger, which saw POE unceremoniously dropped from Time Warner subsidiary Atlantic Records just six weeks after she'd signed a contract with them for three more albums. Copies of second single "Wild" were never sent to radio. Support for the album dried up. The ensuing legal wrangling saw POE's masters sold and resold from one label to another, while POE wound up unable to tour or record under her own pseudonym for years. So while House of Leaves went on to (deserved) classic status, Haunted disappeared.

I am not alone in finding this terrifically unjust. Mark Z. Danielewski himself calls the album "woefully underappreciated." Granted, he's biased, but so am I. I was a POE fan before House of Leaves was published. I discovered HoL through Haunted, although both came in close succession. For me, part of the mystery of the book is how it tangles with the album, how two people can go through the same maze and come out of it in such different locations, the same story told in different languages. But also...

I mean, it's just a hell of an album. Her voice is extraordinary. Her lyrics blend the metaphoric and the extremely literal in terrific ways. The mix of electronica, hip-hop, pop, and experimental is absolutely wired to my tastebuds (there's a reason she wound up invited on tour with the Depeche Mode, after all), and the overall work is plaintive, empowering, heartbreaking, and occasionally terrifying. It's so good. It's so, so good. I would almost be okay if this were her last ever album, it's that good.

I just wish more people were listening to it, you know?

So consider this my call to arms. If you are a House of Leaves fan, or even if you're not, even if the footnotes left you cold, give Haunted a listen. Just a couple songs. Just a taste.

Someone who loves you left a stack of tapes sitting by a boom box for you. Put one in. Press play.

[startreklasirena]

S1E01: Remembrance

Four years ago today, I saw the first episode of this new tv show which would become my new obsession and utterly change my life.

To celebrate, I thought we could take some time this week to remember some of the things we enjoyed about this episode, or that stood out to us.

I'll get us started with one of the things I truly loved about Ep 1x01:

Dahj! Just... Dahj!

We only got her for one episode, and she was suffering for most of it, but I latched onto her character straight away and real hard.

I love that even with her very limited screen time, I still got the feeling she was a distinct character from Soji. Maybe a little looser, more flowing... (And yes, this perception is reinforced by the different hairstyles, which is another detail I adore!)

(Look at these two! You can tell who's who at a glance from the body language, even before you look at the hair!)

Her little student apartment in Boston with it's Tragic Abundance Of Vanilla deserves to have a whole bunch of fics set in it! And even though it's just a cover story, I love her excitement at getting into the Daystrom! Just imagine the thrill, angst, and chaos if she had gone there and ended up working with Agnes - and the two of them discovering the truth about her that way.

Also, I love that Dahj is immediately adopted by Picards entire household, from the Romulan housekeepers/bodyguards...

... to the Number One Goodest Boy.

(No wonder the mom AI told Soji that Dahj was thinking about getting a puppy. It may have been a lie in the moment but clearly fit Dahj's character well enough to be believable.)

And of course there's so, so much more to love about her. Dahj's journey of self-dscovery, however chaotic and short it ended up being, was a great jumping-off point for the series, and by the end of episode 1, I was hooked!

I still have so many fond feelings for Dahj and I really hope I'll find the time and brain space to write about her some time.

How about you? What are some things you remember fondly from this episode?

[firebloodanddragons]

OF DRAGONS AND LAMBS - CHAPTER 4 (AEMOND TARGARYEN X READER)

Chapter Summary: Obsession can blind you. Aemond arrives in Storm's End with a marriage proposal to gain Lord Borros' fealty. But soon he realises that choosing a wife is not as easy as he thought. In the meantime and unbeknownst to you, rumours about you start to spread in the Red Keep.

Tags for this chapter:  Obsessed! Aemond/ Explicit Language

Author’s notes: Unfortunately no sexual tension or fluffy moments between Aemond and Lady Stokeworth in this chapter for two reasons. One, I wanted to show how both of them acted when they were apart: Aemond and his obsession for reader and YN and her longing for Aemond's return. Two, I just had to write what happened in Storm's End especially the kisses scene. By the way, I have changed The Four Storms’ ages and made them older than in the books because I couldn’t write a 19 years old Aemond kissing little girls. I hope you’ll enjoy this chapter and please do not hesitate to leave comments, I would love to hear your thoughts and discuss with you all.

[CHAPTER 1]  [CHAPTER 2]  [CHAPTER 3]

CHAPTER 4: THE DRAGON FLOWER

The ground quaked under Vhagar’s large paws as she landed on the cliff by the castle with a roar of discontent that broke the thundering sound of the storm and probably alerted all Storm’s End of her and Aemond’s arrival (if they hadn’t noticed it before when the dragon’s formidable figure appeared from the menacing sky).             Aemond patted Vhagar’s thick neck to comfort her, thinking she might dislike the awful wet weather. After all the she-dragon was no longer young and therefore rather lazy and sometimes grumpy. She had grown accustomed to long naps under the warm and pleasant sun of the Crownlands over the last few years, waking up only to stretch her wings when her rider was either in need for a relaxation flight or wished to brag. “Lykirī se umbas, Vhagar. Sȳz riña iksā.” (Calm down and stay here, Vhagar. You’re a good girl.) Aemond said as he petted her rough and wrinkled scales that were now completely drenched just like him. But the she-dragon looked at him, annoyed and tensed and Aemond saw in her amber eyes that the weather was not her problem. He climbed down and gestured her to lay down on the muddy ground so that he could caress her old head.     “Gīmin.” (I know) Aemond sighed and he pressed his forehead against her wet muzzle. “I don’t like this either but it is my duty.”       Vhagar whined and nuzzled Aemond as tenderly and gently as she could to comfort him. But despite her restrain, Vhagar’s formidable strength almost made the prince fall. Fortunately, he had expected her motherly instinct and therefore he was quick to hold on to her, gripping her green scales hard to keep his balance and enjoy his soulmate’s affection, because that’s what she was to him. His soulmate. His alter ego. They were one. Everything he felt, she felt.

“Prince Aemond!” A voice called in the pouring rain and Vhagar raised her neck high to threaten whomever might dare to approach her rider. Her intimidation was efficient for the man stopped right in his track. His apprehension which was more than reasonable made the young Targaryen prince smirked and he congratulate his dragon for her behaviour with a new stroke.         As far as Aemond could remember, Vhagar had always shown an insane protectiveness towards him and he enjoyed it greatly even if sometimes the realisation that his dragon was possibly the only living thing (along with his mother) that cared for him caused him pain.   “Sȳz riña, Vhagar. Lykirī. Qrinuntys issa daor.” (Good girl, Vhagar. Calm down. He is not an enemy.) Aemond declared and, despite her mistrust, Vhagar obeyed and curled up on the ground like a giant cat, hiding her head under one of her gigantic wings to shelter from the rain.       Aemond readjusted the hood on his long silver hair that were soaked from his journey and he approached the man Lord Borros had sent to greet him, leaving his dragon to rest behind him.

A coach drawn by two strong black horses brought Aemond to the castle, a colossal drum tower made out of the thickest stone and that stood strong and proud like a sturdy giant in the never-ending storm. It was a unique architecture that fitted the Baratheons: not very beautiful, rather rough and massive but still truly impressive to see, Aemond had to admit.       The interior did not disappoint either for the round hall was as gloomy and as spectacular as the exterior. The size and shape had clearly been chosen to echo and amplify the frightening sounds of thunder. The ceiling was high and the stone walls were thick and each fire-lit doors was adorned with massive granite structures. In here, one could only feel the imposing strength that made the reputation of House Baratheon.             At the end of the room, the austere Lord Borros was waiting on his throne, his harsh face occasionally lit by lightning. Sitting like this, Aemond could almost find him charismatic and powerful. But the throne of the Stormlands gave little presence contrary to the Iron Throne or the largest dragon in the world and Aemond was sure Lord Borros knew this. After all, he had clearly dressed up in a rush to welcome him.     “Lord Borros.”   “Aemond Targaryen, the one-eyed prince. It is an honour to welcome you and your dragon to Storm’s End. What a magnificent beast. I never imagined it to be that huge. I couldn’t believe my own eyes when I saw it fly through my window.”         Aemond bit his tongue to resist the urge to put Lord Borros in his place when he noticed a few mild but well-calculated insults in his greeting. First, when he addressed him as only Aemond Targaryen and therefore did not recognized him as his prince. Second, when he referred to his missing eye and turned it into nickname that he had heard too many times and hated. And third, when he decided (or made the mistake) to call Vhagar a ‘beast’ and a ‘it’. The she-dragon was no beast and she certainly was cleverer than the Lord of Storm’s End.       That lack of respect was clearly a coarse way to submit the young prince and show him who had the power in this hall. And even though Aemond was smart enough to realise that, he was still too hot-tempered to keep his mouth completely shut.     “And you have not seen the size of the things she can eat.” It was an implied threat cautiously sugar-coated with enough sarcasm in order to avoid punishment. Aemond’s specialty.             “Yes, I bet a few chickens don’t suffice.”   Neither does a stag.   “But I am sure your grandfather did not send you to talk dragons and chickens. What affairs bring you here, young prince?”   “Indeed, he did not. And I will get straight to the point, my lord.” Aemond’s voice echoed in the room, covering the sound of thunder and Lord Borros frowned at his bearing, so unusually distinguished and powerful for someone so young. “I came here as an envoy. My brother, King Aegon second of his name, sends me to ask you for your fealty.” “Then your brother must know House Baratheon pledged allegiance to King Viserys’ daughter, Rhaenyra Targaryen.”           Aemond smirked when he noticed that Lord Borros gave no royal title to his half-sister when he referred to her. His fealty to her might not be so unwavering, then. Good.     “Yes, his grace is aware of the oath your father made but it was your father’s oath and your father is no longer alive. Why should you be beholden to the vows of a dead man?”   “You and your family may like to dishonour your father by putting an impostor on the throne but I sure do not. Even if your brother has a cock and is therefore better suited to rule, I shall stand by my father’s word.” “The impostor is the whore that cares little about your house. Princess Rhaenyra has five sons and yet, none of them is betrothed to one of your daughters despite the Baratheons and the Targaryen being … family through Princess Rhaenys. She could have made one of your daughters the next Queen of The Seven Kingdoms or the future Lady of Driftmark at the very least but she didn’t. Rhaenyra ignored you and treated you like dogs for years. So did her allies. When was the last time Princess Rhaenys showed interest in her Baratheon heritage?” Lord Borros did not reply but it was clear that Aemond had hit a nerve. The prince cracked a smirk and decided that now was the time to scratch the stag’s back. “The Blacks don’t see your greatness. To them, you are not a stag. You are a mutt that they will whistle when they realise that they need your support. You can answer their call, my lord but I can assure you one thing, you won’t get a treat for your servitude. There won’t be any reward for you. But my brother can give you one. He can meet your ambitions. He can give you what a man as eminent as you deserve. All you have to do is pledge your allegiance to him. Recognize Aegon as king and he shall fulfil your dreams of grandeur. He will give you lands, coins and I will wed one of your daughters.”  

Needless to say, Lord Borros was seduced not only by the generous offer but by the Targaryen prince himself. And so he was eager to agree on few conditions.       Thus started two days of long but unsurprising negotiations during which both parties fought for favours around glasses of fine wine and tables of abundant food. The greedy Lord of Storm’s End thought that the threat of civil war was the perfect opportunity for him and his house to obtain titles, goods and properties they would have never expected in time of peace. But Aemond wasn’t an easy man to bargain with and he was smart enough to know which demands were exaggerated and what appearing desperate would inspire.       And finally on the third day, after the usual morning hunt, Lord Borros accepted to give his swords and banners to King Aegon in exchange for a marriage pact and a generous dowry. The fealty of House Baratheon and the obedience of its army were therefore traded for a wedding, the promise of a future male heir as Lord of the Stormlands that would carry the name Baratheon, lands, coins and the support of House Targaryen in the Baratheons’ conflict with Dorne.     The transaction was sealed during a jousting, one of the many festivities Lord Borros had planned to celebrate his new collaboration and finally, when thunder came back with a rumble in the capital, Prince Aemond met the Storms he had come here for.      

“Here are my four daughters. This is Cassandra, the oldest – she has already flowered so you won’t have to wait to bed her. Maris, the cleverest, if you like that sort of thing. Ellyn, the kindest – she’ll be surely loved by the people. And Floris, the prettiest, a real Baratheon beauty. You may choose the one you like most.” Aemond approached the four girls and they bowed, greeting him together as if they were one single person. Aemond did not greet them in return. Instead, he observed each one of them in turn carefully. They were certainly less hideous than what he had imagined but he was sure that, in a room full of people, none of these girls would have caught his attention. There was nothing special about, nothing that could catch the eye or make your jaw drop, nothing that could make you breathless … or itch to claim their lips in a burning kiss.         Eyes closed, Aemond discreetly sighed as he tried to get your image out of his head. But you somehow lingered as if some kind of magic had painted you under his eyelids or worse carved you in his mind, forcing him to see you and think of you when he wished not to. His task was unpleasant enough. He didn’t need to be reminded of it even by the thought of you which, even if it was as sweet as honeysuckle, left him a sour taste.  

Driven by a bitter fire, Aemond swiftly caught the lips of Lord Borros’ oldest daughter Cassandra, hoping someone else’s lips would make him forget yours. He did not care about the gasps of the people present in the room nor about Lord Borros’ daughter lack of consent. The only thing that mattered to him was to get rid of your image.             Cassandra tensed under his impromptu and rough touch at first but her surprise and timidity did not last. And she quickly responded to the prince’s kiss by opening her mouth like a calendula opens when its petals are touched by the sun. The girl had already flowered indeed and she seemed clearly eager to be watered. However, Aemond did not enjoy her friskiness and abruptly pulled away from her lips.         She was not the one he wanted and she hadn’t succeed in erasing you from his mind.         So, he approached to taste Maris’ nectar. She didn’t look like any of her sisters. She had darker hair, hard features and looked rather mistrustful and taciturn. But her black eyes burnt with wit and strength, a bit like yours. And so, just like he did for Maris, he caught her lips and kissed her.       It was a fierce kiss, a duel between two dominant souls that badly wanted to win. Aemond could tell Maris was definitely a girl who had temper, a wild flower growing in a garden.       He didn’t mind a wife with a strong personality. He even wished for one who would spare him from having shy or dull conversation about the weather, children and dresses. He wanted a clever and wise wife, one who would be able to talk with him about matters like politics, philosophy and history without pretending to know about them, a wife who would be able to listen to him and understand him, one who would encourage him and even sometimes dare to politely argue with him. He wanted a wife to love him always and challenge him sometimes.             But Maris wasn’t that kind of wife. She wasn’t the rose only an expert could pick without bleeding. She was an untouchable thistle covered in a thousand thorns, a silphium that could emasculate you. In a marriage, that girl would be like ivy proliferating around her husband’s neck and balls. And he would hate it.           Marrying her would only make him long for you even more… just like he was right now after a mere kiss.     So, he let go of her and went to stand before Ellyn who offered him her lips without any lust or thirst for dominance. They were smooth but tasteless just like what Aemond expected for it was clear that the third daughter was like a tulip, beautiful and soft but unremarkable and bound to quickly bend unlike you. Sure, she would be an obedient and caring wife but her inclination to permanent submission would be a bore to Aemond.     And when the prince was bored, like he was right now, he would think of you.     Floris, the youngest daughter of Lord Borros, was last. A tall brunette with eyes as grey as the sky above Storm’s End although less menacing, she looked chaste and timid but her elegance was striking. She would easily fit in court and Aemond’s mother Alicent would certainly find her suited for his son.       She stared at Aemond with apprehension and when he cupped her jaw, she trembled against his hand. That girl had never been kissed before. This was evident. Therefore, the prince slowly bent and watched her staring at him deep in his eye. It made him think of you again, how you would often dare stare back at him when he dared come too close. But those fearful eyes right in front of him weren’t yours. They weren’t even a bit like yours. They didn’t reflect strength, wit or curiosity. They weren’t gazing at him with suppressed attraction. All they could do was reminding Aemond of you and he cursed them for it.         And so he realised, he didn’t fancy Floris or any of the Four Storms. He didn’t fancy any woman but you and it was infuriating. Infuriating because he didn’t have any control over his desire for you. Infuriating because he would have to choose a girl who wasn’t you and who would never be able to make him forget about you.     So, he made a very calculated decision.         “This one.” He said, staring at Floris and she frowned. He hadn’t kissed her and yet he had chosen her. “I shall wed this one.”           The flower that hadn’t bloomed yet and that would probably not bloom before the resolution of the tensions between Blacks and Greens. The flower he would NEVER have to touch and would throw away with all its petals intact when the Baratheon would not be needed anymore.   The flower that would leave him be, alone with his obsession.

***          

“Rūklon, flower.” Little Jaehaerys ran towards you with a little purple hyacinth in his deformed hand. The flower hadn’t fully bloomed yet and you wondered how you could add it to the crown Jaehaera and you were making sitting in the green grass.                   “Kirimvose, ñuha dārilaros. (Thank you, my prince) Let’s add it to the crown, shall we?” You thanked the little boy, using the little knowledge you had of High Valyrian and he grinned, definitely happy to see you accept his little contribution to your creation even though you had told him to pick the wild flowers the gardeners hadn’t weeded yet. “Crown, paletilla.”           The twins had recently started to study High Valyrian with their maester and while Jaehaera didn’t seem eager to learn (she didn’t talk much, just like her mother), Jaehaerys was a lively and curious child. He could spend hours translating all the words he heard. It was a game to him.     You were tempted to correct his pronunciation of the word “pāletilla” but you quickly reconsidered, thinking that Queen Helaena would be a better teacher than you. After all, the little High Valyrian you knew came from books and foreign traders who had come to Stokeworth and was yet to be tested in a conversation. But today, the Targaryen queen was too absent-minded or too focused on her embroidery (you didn’t know) to notice her son’s mistakes. Sometimes you could even hear her mumbling things about wings of storm and war, lost in waking dreams you couldn’t comprehend and that no one around her truly seemed to care about, which was awfully sad. But Heleana didn’t look like she minded to be ignored. Perhaps, was it because she didn’t realize she was.       While you were observing the queen, you didn’t notice Jaehaera on her tiptoe trying to place the unfinished flower crown on your head. Only when you felt it on your head, did you startle a bit and focused back on her. She looked confused and sorry but you reassured her with a sweet smile that made her a crack a timid smile before giving her back the crown.     “Thank you for the kind gesture, little princess, but I wasn’t born to wear a crown. Perhaps you should wear it or offer it to your mother.” You suggested, hoping the daughter would be able to bring the mother back to reality. “Muña!” (Mother!) The little girl called as she walked to her mother with the crown in her hand but as soon as Jaehaera touched her, she brushed her aside with an annoyed look that left the girl baffled and sad. You immediately stood to place your arms around the child in order to comfort her and prevent her from crying. “Are you alright, my queen?” You asked but Helaena didn’t hear you. So, you placed a delicate hand on her shoulder but she rejected it as she had rejected her daughter’s touch. Only this time she said something, the same thing she had been mumbling for hours.     “The wings of storm and war are upon us!”           You frowned and unconsciously tightened your embrace around Jaehaera. What was happening to her today? “The prince and the princess made you a flower crown. If you fear a storm we can go back inside. I can ask the servants to bring us a warm cup of tea in your apartments like the one we had two days ago and I can also bring the children to the maester for their High Valyrian lesson.”       Helaena did not reply nor did she show any sign of approval or refusal. She just stared at you with distress in her eyes, silently asking you … no, begging you to understand. But even if you desperately wanted to understand and help her, what she said was still gibberish to you. Helaena’s words were a riddle you couldn’t solve.      

“It is alright, Lady Y/N.” Queen Alicent said as she silently approached you and you wondered how long she had been observing the scene from the shadows of the trees. “I will take care of Helaena. Just tend to the children.” You nodded. “Of course, your highness.” And Jaehaera reached out for you to pick her up. As soon as you did, she wrapped her tiny arms around your neck to seek affection and comfort and her brother rushed to your side to hold your hand.             Queen Alicent watched you and the twins with a wary frown, astonished to see her grandchildren – and especially her granddaughter who was ordinarily very mistrustful – act so tenderly with a woman they didn’t know three days ago. Her frown grew even more suspicious when she saw Jaehaera sneakily place her flower crown on top of your head again. “Bring them both to Maester Orwyle in the library.”           “Yes, your grace.” You started walking away but then you remembered you wished to know something. “May I ask, my queen, when shall Prince Aemond be back from his journey to Storm’s End?”             Alicent gave you a look that clearly meant “Is that shameless girl really asking me that?” and you lowered you head. Maybe you shouldn’t have asked that.   “How do you know my son is in Storm’s End?”     “He told me, your grace.”           “He told you?” Even if she tried to keep her feelings to herself and to conceal them behind cold and harsh eyes, it was obvious that the dowager queen was not only just shocked but angry. “Why would he tell you such thing?” Her tone was sharp and suddenly the only thing you wanted to do was to hide in a mouse hole, away from her boiling fury you were sure could burst at your face at any moment. It was no surprise Aemond was her son. They obviously both shared this tendency to keep their rage to themselves until explosion. Although Alicent seemed less impulsive than Aemond.             “I guess the prince found a friendly ear in me.”     “And what else did he find in you?”         It was your turn to be shocked. Was the Queen really alluding to what you thought she was alluding? You stared at her, dumbfounded, and she stared back, insisting silently on having an answer and you understood that yes, she was. “Nothing, your grace.” You replied, definitely insulted and trying to convince her there was nothing intimate between her son. “I swear it. I am faithful to my husband.” She doubted you. It was obvious. You could tell just by the way her analytical look had suddenly turned into a glare. The Queen discreetly snickered as she shook her head. That scene was all too familiar to her taste for you looked like someone who once had lied to her about a matter similar to this one, someone she thought honest back when she was still a naïve friend, someone who made Alicent promise to herself she would never be fooled again. Rhaenyra. “The rumours in the Red Keep say otherwise. Perhaps you should stop giving Aemond a friendly ear and use you it to listen to what people are saying about you… And remove that silly flower crown from your head!”  

           It turned out that the dowager queen was right. Rumours about your extramarital relationship with not only Prince Aemond but also King Aegon had spread in the Red Keep like wildfire. In each corner of the palace, in shadows and in plain sight, people were whispering things about you, accusations of unfaithfulness and depravity. They were saying you had partaken in an orgy in a brothel with the king and other male friends of his, that you had let whores touched you only for Aegon’s pleasure and that afterwards you had fucked Prince Aemond. They were also telling that one of Alicent’s servants had brought you moon tea the next day. You believed that last rumour to be true. After all, if Queen Alicent indeed thought you had spread your legs for both her sons, she would have been well advised to make sure no bastard would be born from your carnal escapade. And the tea you had drunk with Helaena two days ago had left you with an awful stomach ache.       It didn’t long for you to guess who was responsible for such calumnies. The Lannisters, both Lady Jane and Lord Tyland, had all the reasons to tarnish your reputation for she had been ignored by all men during their debauched gathering and he had been left scarred from your violent encounter.           Therefore, you immediately went to the lady’s chambers to ask for explanations and demand justice. But no one answered. “I am afraid the lady is absent.” A man leaning against a wall nearby said as he observed you from head to toe. He was skinny and tall and his ugliness was accentuated by the perversity and the slyness in his small eyes that made you look away from him as soon as he caught your eye. “You wouldn’t happen to know where I can find her?” You asked, eyes on the door, hoping he would just answer and let you be.     “Mayhaps, for knowing things is my specialty.” He came closer and you noticed his limp and his twisted leg. “I am Lord Larys Strong, master of whisperers.”           “Lady—" “Y/N Stokeworth. I know.” He cut you off and once again scrutinized every inch of your face with a blank expression that covered whatever thoughts he might have had in this particular moment. “I know everything there is to know about you. Third born but last remaining child of Lord Tandon Stokeworth and Lady Aenora Estermont. You married Lord Lorys Rosby a fortnight ago. A smart marriage pact made to unite Stokeworth and Rosby and thus increase their power in the Crownlands.”         “All marriage pacts have political purposes.” You replied, wondering what he intended to do by showing his knowledge.     “Yes, of course. Although, I am sure your husband cannot wait for your father to die without a male heir and put the son you will give him in charge of Stokeworth. Imagine how strong House Rosby would be after that.” You frowned at him with suspicion, thinking how rude it was of him to assume such terrible things even though you had thought of them as well and long before him. “However, for him to do so, you will have to give him a rightful heir and not a Targaryen bastard.”   Your frown turned into a glower and you supported his malicious look. Now was not the moment to accuse you of sin.             “What are you insinuating, Lord Larys?”   “As I said, knowing things is my specialty.”         “I did not lie with the king or his brother. And whatever rumours you may have heard; they are not true.” You declared; your head held high. You did not wish to defend yourself for something you hadn’t done but you couldn’t let anyone disrespect you like that.             “Oh, I know they are not. I apologize if the lady thought I was accusing her of unfaithfulness. I was just warning you.”           “Warning me?”   “Yes. You see I have watched Queen’s Alicent children grow up, so much that I know them as if they were mine. Aegon is the most predictable of the four. It is easy to keep an eye on him for he has his habits. He loved debauched adventures in Flea Bottom, impregnating street girls and whores, betting coins in taverns and watching children fight each other. Helaena is difficult to grasp but she is no trouble unlike her brother-husband. She is loving and loved but she has a fascination for the insects she keeps under her bed and gibberish that is beyond understanding. Prince Daeron is discreet but even though he is in Oldtown I know everything about him just as I know everything about rogue Prince Aemond too.”           The man’s purpose was to intimidate you. He wanted to show you there was nowhere where you could hide, nothing you could do or say without him knowing about him. He had his ears everywhere and he would whisper to anyone who shall be interested everything they might hear.   “Rogue?” “Yes, rogue but I understand why you didn’t realise that. The prince is one to play with his cards hidden. Although he can be hot-tempered, he is cunning and smart, posing as a loyal brother and son when in truth he craves the throne Aegon is sitting on. His ambitions leave a hole in him. They are a bottomless well he keeps trying to fill. He is full of rage and I wonder when he will reveal is true face... and to whom.” You listened carefully but you did not say a word. But a part of you wanted to scream at him and tell him and when he had seen in Aemond was only the surface of who he was. There was something beyond his ambitions and his rage, a feeling you knew all too well. Fear.       “It’s interesting. Contrary to his brother Aegon, Prince Aemond never sought any woman’s affection or warmth. He never cared for it. And yet he has been showing a peculiar obsession for you since the day you arrived. Why so?”       “If you ask me then perhaps you don’t know everything, Lord Larys.”         The master of whisperers did not react to your words and for a second you wondered if he ever showed an emotion in his life. Maybe not.           “All I am saying, my lady, is be careful. You are a lamb in a dragonpit full of beasts that are eager to taste your flesh. You are but a game to them and when you play with dragons, you play with fire. Stop playing smart and they’ll burn you alive.” You squinted at his face and studied him almost the same way he had studied you a moment ago. You did not know if it was bothering him for he didn’t show any sign of discomfort and truth to be told, you didn’t care about his feelings. All you cared about was to understand what he truly meant. And when you finally did, everything made more sense and you quietly thanked Brunwina for all of her riddles.           The man had just alluded to the murder of his father and brother.           You wanted to snicker and mock him but instead you chose to play his game and make him understand you were no silly girl he could intimidate.               “If my death shall be by the flames so be it, Lord Larys. A strong woman … or man … shall always stand proud on the pyre and embrace the fire in the hall of death.”     Lord Larys was a smart and cunning man who always chose his words wisely and yet today, a young girl read between his lines like no one else before her. His hollow face grew pale and watched you leave, impressed and almost scared by your cleverness. Now he knew why Prince Aemond like you so much. You weren’t just any flower; you were a dragon flower whose nectar was pure fire.

[CHAPTER 5]

[bbbexe]

MINORS DNI

I can't draw digital to save my life, so I made my monster!Poppet oc Kalix, traditional. (I have been diagnosed with Vinnel brainrot, there sadly is no cure. Also I didn’t make this species, its heavily based off of a creature from game I used to play called a Kivarok)  Their main fur color is black, with the shaded in parts being a really really dark purple. Their horns and claws are orange with a yellow gradient at the top/end. Similarly, their diamond patterns are orange, and get more yellow that further they are away from their torso. They have 7 white eyes on each side (on the front view i forgot to add one pair you did not see that, nothing is wrong :'))) ) that they can close individually. Will usually close all but their two main ones to not look 'weird' or have people feel like they're staring at them. Kalix's eyes also don't usually have pupils, but they consciously make pupils so that, along with their exaggerated body language/movement, speech, and gesticulation, their emotions can be read more easily while masking in public. Pupils are orange. The first three diamond patterns on Sir are eyes, one being a light yellow color, and the others becoming white. Their eyes / horns / patterns / claws have a slight glow. Has four arms in total. (maybe one day i'll have the urge to try and draw on ibis paint) Kalix's blood is orange :). They also have a mouth on their main head, but really really don't want to scare people they want to be friends with, and keeps it closed and hidden for the most part. They are 6'0 because I wish I was tall :').

I've been completely obsessed with @eldritch-spouse's universe for the past few days and just had to make this. I love love love her writing and really suggest you check out her blog if you like yanderes and monsters >:D Under the cut is some of my oc's info if anyone is interested :D (it's a lot of rambling lol)

Tw mentions of cannibalism and other illegal stuff.

“Nothing can last forever. There isn't any memory, no matter how intense, that doesn't fade out at last.” ― Juan Rulfo This is Kalix! (Named them this purely because the word makes my brain happy) They are a young adult monster, who suffers from loneliness brain damage! With symptoms that are very similar to ADHD. They forget what day of the week it is often, forget words mid conversation, and have a shit short term memory. Often forgets to eat and has a habit of not eating until their tail-head starts to nip/chew (omnomnom) at them. Will constantly loose things, even if they are currently holding said thing in their paw. Brings noise cancelling earbuds around and wears gloves because they are touch averse. Usually has one part of their body moving, leg bopping, playing with their fingers, etc. (heavily projecting here lol, they just like me fr) Are a residual hermaphrodite who flip flops between sex depending on temperature/season (has a slit covered by their fluff) and goes by all pronouns. Demi ace/aro (hahaha slowburn + oblivious to their own feelings, have fun with that Vinnel). Has a hard time understanding sarcasm and understanding their own feelings.

Kalix's tail has been named "Sir" as they thought the word was cool. They usually eat / drink using their head-tail. Sir is Kalix's subconscious/lizard brain, though they don't seem to realize that themself, thinking the tail-head as more of a sibling/pet. (and example for the subconcious/lizard brain thing being, Kalix stubbing their toe, wincing and making a joke, Sir whimpering and getting teary like the crybaby they secretly are) They can consciously control Sir for about 30 minutes before a headache starts cracking open their skull (usually their species would be able to do this all the time, but shhh don't tell the poor child, they'll cry). While talking through Sir, Kalix can mimic many many sounds / voices. It would honestly be easier to list what they can't mimic than what they can. They do have a tell though, as when they speak through Sir, they have a slight whisper echo. Also sadly because of brain injury, they can't cut off Sir's senses from their own. Wagging their tail super fast like a dog when excited / to stim will leave make them super dizzy. Sir also has a taste for human/monster flesh :))) Has some other abilities, like being able to store stuff in their shadow (they do this more often and don't get nauseous from it unless they try to fit a bigger object inside. Kalix usually makes it look like they're pulling stuff out from their chest fluff becuse i thought that would be silly), make shadow apparitions for a limited amount of time, wrap themselves in shadows to hide or stalk their 'prey', and if they really push themself, they can teleport through shadows (within a certain range etc.) at most two times a week. They feel nauseous and get headaches after this, and using their power too often/long or trying to store large objects will make them violently ill. (won't stop the dumbass from overusing their abilities to pull pranks on The Clergymen though) Has little physical strength (for a monster at least), although they can jump pretty high when spooked (hehe get it? halloween pun :> also foreshadowing~) Speaking of Halloween, it's one of Kalix's main hyperfixations. Their hyperfixations include: Halloween, (and by extension) candy making, horror book reading, driving (although ironically if Kalix is a passenger they get extremely car sick), juggling (picks this up after they see Vinnel do it and realize 1. its a fun way to stim and 2. they have four arms. they are terrible at first), baking (which is kinda funny cuz they cannot cook for shit), insect related stuff, (piss poor) sewing, and drawing (they usually like to draw stuff with the combination of gore and plants).

Always has candy corn on them (or it seems that way, it’s just in their shadow. Kalix likes how it looks like they can just summon candy corn out of nowhere).

Also do not let them drive. They will turn it into a car chase. Somehow. (They just like slamming into the cars chasing them and showing off their drifts and sharp turns) They work as a party planner / decorator and will practically beg on their knees to Admin to help decorate for the holidays, especially Halloween. (Admin will have to wrangle them during other holidays to make sure Kalix doesn’t start making them Halloween themed as well...

”Decorate your own apartment Easterween themed, Kalix...” cue Admin’s signature tired eye roll as Kalix gives the smaller human puppy dog eyes) After they learn The Clergy has rent able rooms, they'll definitely start living there. Kalix's room will be completely Halloween themed all year long. They'll also ask Admin if they can help out around the Clergy / help them (Kalix feels bad for Admin and all their responsibilities, but also thinks they're amazing for being so focused and hard working)

Kalix is a complete virgin, having not even touched themself because again, they see Sir as a ‘pet’ or sibling sort of, only that Sir is attached to them. Kalix always chalks up Sir’s similar reactions to them as both them and Sir having grown up together.(if this sentence makes sense? basically they chalk up Sir having similar reactions to how they feel inside to just them growing up being attached to each other) Also them denying full heartedly that they are a crybaby and that they like the taste of human/monster flesh. To be honest, after a few months of being around Kalix, The Clergymen will probably pick up on Sir being more connected to Kalix than the oblivious lizard (idk why but my nickname for them is lizard despite them looking like some lizard/cat/owl/spider mix. it just fits. also all the picures of cute dumb little geckos connect with Kalix in my mind) realizes. Although Kalix sure as hell won’t realize themself, and won’t have any kind of sexual interaction with anyone while under the impression that Sir is a pet. Someone’s gonna have the explain the them eventually or Vinnel might somehow go even more insane.  (is a sadist masochist switch with a gore kink, though it'll take alot for them to admit it (or it would have if not for Kalix's first meeting with Grimbly and realizing they did not want to be a daddy/mommy/partner to the little dude, just a friend) Oh, and before i forget. Kalix unironically eats the most burned, charred, barely edible, can-barely-be-considered-food stuff. Completely unscathed. And they like it. They will eat coal (burning or not) in front of people occasionally to see their confused/grossed out/horrified reactions / to assert dominance. They're Vinnel's poppet for a reason :))))

They lived most of their life alone and when they were gracefully given a year long vacation by their warden, Kalix decided to try and make friends by integrating themself into human society. (Most others where they live avoid them/are afraid of them or occasionally someone will pity them but Kalix really dislikes that and would rather be ignored.) They stumbled upon The Clergy's Eye while stuck in a daydream / thought loop of how they were going to make friends. Going over the persona they had crafted (aka how they were going to mask the anxious, lonely, self conscious, and quiet crybaby they really are) and generally practicing conversations in their head. They were trying to go to the town's most popular bar, but ended up walking into The Clergy's Main floor / bar area (if im not mistaken). Kalix is just about able to handle being around Santi’s / and others pheromones due to years of exposure therapy (not a demon of my sort, will make sense in next post i prommy). (Ima make another post about how they met the TCE staff for the first time because this is hella long, thank you so much for reading if you made it this far. I hope you enjoyed my super self indulgent skrunkly child. I also left some stuff out that I really want to show via my writing later on :D)

[suzufield]

15 people 15 questions

thanks to @simmyfrobby and @sergeifyodorov for the tags. my fandom mom and dad (affectionate)

sorry this got long (also sorry for that joke, joy and cody, I regretted it as soon as I typed it)

1. are you named after anyone? short answer, no. long answer, I'm named after a goddess, but it wasn't with the goddess in mind that I was named, it just sort of ended up that way. and I chose aleksandar because of the protagonist of a book.

2. when was the last time you cried? ok this one was funny. I was watching one of the tsn(?) promo vids they did for the pwhl. there was a girl, I don't even know who she is, but I had the most intense thought like "WHY AM I SO OBSESSED WITH HER" and I was TEARING UP!!!! so the tl;dr is that I am a lesbian and I like girls

3. do you have kids? no but I think about it a fair amount like... that's definitely not something that is possible for me but I love kids!!!

4. what sports have you played/do you play? as a kid I did a bit of soccer, ballet, contemporary dance and nothing really stuck... then in high school I discovered endurance running and it actually Changed My Life. then I got an injury before running my first 10k. which was a shame. and now I've not really picked it up again, but I do freestyle wrestling!! which is a TON OF FUN & I hope to keep at it for a long time

(I do still find soccer fun to this day I'm just terribly unskilled at it and sometimes get the urge to join 12 year olds playing it in the park)

5. do you use sarcasm? yes

6. what's the first thing you notice about people? if they look friendly. I don't know.

7. what's your eye colour? brown AF

8. scary movies or happy endings? and what if I want my horror movie to end well??

9. any talents? I can sing... I like drawing when I can set my mind to it. I don't write enough but I really like my writing style : )

10. where were you born? montréal, québec BABY!!!!

11. what are your hobbies? doing nothing on the computer. listening to obscure music. making mashups. watching sports (obviously). PHYSICAL ACTIVITY!! language learning and uhh, reading and drawing on occasion

12. do you have any pets? four! dog. cat. two rats (chucky and freddy. I talk about them sometimes)

13. how tall are you? an unfortunate 5 feet and 3 inches tall

14. favourite subject in school? history or english. or french, honestly depends. english I didn't have to put any work in (ESL is deeply unserious (we were learning verb conjugations in TENTH GRADE!!!???)). history was fun when we talked about something I liked (war history. and also I liked the teacher). french I could also get away with not doing anything because I was the best student in the class. Um. math was fun honestly? did a bit of html & js in college before dropping out, loved it also,.

15. dream job? so re: question 3 & question 4. my dream job would be to coach kids at wrestling, honestly. I love teaching & I love kids but I won't be going back to school to become a teacher, but being able to teach a sport would be, I think, the most fun I could have in a job... as of right now my current job plan is to go become what is essentially a handyman. it pays and I would like doing it!

I won't tag 15 people but @one4theoverlypassionate, @nicohischier, @dacchamp, @pink-car, @nastybastian, @ineffag-swag, @glitchcel, @jimothystu... if you haven't done this! (and sorry if you have. I'm not as online as I used to be 😭)

[volann]

Everyone in tgcf is a foil character (if you squint)

Here's pt 2

I will be writing this as I reread the book, so this is the first part where I'll write about Xuan Ji and Xiao-Ying. I may not remember some details about Xie Lian and Hua Cheng bc I haven't reread those parts yet but hopefully it won't affect anything important. And neither do I have the revised version nor do I know Chinese, so everything is based on the og version. (also English isn't my first language, I asked my friend to check everything but there may still be some mistakes)

I'll start with Xuan Ji, Pei Ming’s ex that burned down temples and killed 17 brides to attract his attention. So the thing that keeps her as a ghost is her obsession with the man that prevented her suicide attempt. Also she wears red. Yes, I will be comparing her to Hua Cheng here. And this might be a stretch, but the plot may be indicating that she's his foil because Xie Lian first thinks that Hua Cheng is the ghost groom. Anyway, it's more important how those two are different. Xuan Ji's final goal is Pei Ming's love and attention. She doesn't take into consideration his needs and feelings, her own feelings come first. This is their main difference. Xuan Ji broke her legs to trap Pei Ming into staying, died to make him grieve — Hua Cheng died several times to save Xie Lian and didn't care about himself. She cries about how much she sacrificed, like Pei Ming owes her because of it — Hua Cheng gives his ashes to Xie Lian and doesn't care what will happen to them. He only wants Xie Lian to be happy. Xuan Ji wants Pei Ming to come to her, while Hua Cheng has been looking for Xie Lian for hundreds of years. Xuan Ji blames Pei Ming for everything that's wrong with her and her life — Hua Cheng would never. Xuan Ji shows how dangerous an obsession can be. Her love leads first to self-destruction, obvious in her broken legs and her last suicide attempt, and then to burned temples and people's deaths (although she was a general, her actions likely affected others even then). Hua Cheng did burn down temples too, but only to avenge his love, who didn't know about it for hundreds of years. Hua Cheng builds new temples for him. And, in the end, Xuan Ji is as powerful as she is only with Qi Rong's help while Hua Cheng became supreme on his own– his feelings are much stronger.

It is possible to find some similarities with Xie Lian too: besides being a fierce general, she is incredibly beautiful (and Xie Lian is Flower-Crowned Martial God), and while she had a high position during her life, now she's just a ghost. Xuan Ji feels as if noone is on her side, the one closest to her — betrayed her (add two suicide attempts there, although the reasoning is quite different). This reminds me the most of Xie Lian from book four, but fortunately he did see good in people, and in the end the only one suffering because of his actions was Wu Ming. Are these similarities the reason why he doesn't want to judge her without knowing the whole story?* The fact that he sees himself from the past in Xuan Ji and understands the desire to have someone who will stay by your side no matter what? Well, he never judges anyone too quickly and I can't claim anything. So. When compared to Xuan Ji, everyone showes their good sides, wow, what a revelation, I know.

*It doesn't really fit in this theme but those words might be directed at the reader since there are many lies in the book. The first that comes to my mind is the fact that Xie Lian knew about Nan Feng and Fu Yao's true identities already in the first book, but nothing in the text indicates that. But we're not speaking about them (yet?). In case of the ghost groom we first know the legend, then Xuan Ji's retelling and, finally, Pei Su's words, which we perceive as the truth. Every time characters' motivations are changed completely. This happens with many stories, from Xie Lian's past to less important parts like this one.

Now let's speak about the character whom I didn't plan to speak about at first: Xiao Yin. It is possible to compare her to Hua Cheng, or, to be more specific, Hong Hong-er: everyone thinks she's ugly and bullies her. Of course, we only see this behavior from Xiao-Pengtou (I don't remember the "tou" part in his name but wiki says it so it must be true), and the only other person with at least some significance from her village is the teahouse owner who is more of a narrator. But both she and Lang Ying avoid the light and don't look in people's eyes, and in the end she says she hasn't had any good days in her life, which probably means people in general didn't treat her well. Another similarity is the fact that Xiao Yin says that maybe she was born unlucky in the last moments of her life, while Hong-er was literally born under the Star of Solitude. But, unlike him, Xiao Yin isn't angry at the world. Before meeting Xie Lian Hong Hong-er wanted to ruin the festival for everyone with his own death, and now Hua Cheng mostly cares only about the crown prince. But Xiao Yin drags Xiao-Pengtou inside the circle made by Ryoe to save him. I can't think of a better example but from some angles it can be similar to Xie Lian saving Mu Qing, but he had eight hundred years, and he doesn't really care about the past anymore, and the whole situation is different… anyway, Xiao Ying only wants to help people, especially Lan Ying, helps Xie Lian as soon as she sees he needs it, but in the end most of it is in vain (Xiao-Pengtou did die), even her death didn't change anything, and the only one who grieves for her is the bandaged boy. Remember Xie Lian and his attempts to save Xianle? There even was a bandaged boy too. Xie Lian might have lied to Xiao Ying because of it, but he does lie out of kindness quite often, so this may not be true. Back to Xiao Ying. No matter how hard she tries, people always misinterpret her intentions and look for a catch (you want to help this boy? no, surely you're helping the ghost bridegroom). This is a common theme in all of mxtx's novels, Xie Lian isn't an exception. Even Xie Lian compares himself and Xiao Ying and says that she's stronger. That's probably because in her last words, she wanted to overcome her misfortune. No matter what she wanted to help everyone, including those who mistreated her, and didn't even think of sending an awful plague onto them.

I don't think Xiao-Pengtou is important enough to write something about him, although it is quite interesting how he could affect everyone's actions by just being there — after his death everyone was sorry. He probably would fit into an essay about ruling figures in tgcf. There isn't much said about Lan Ying yet, and later we learn way more about Nan Feng and Fu Yao, so there are some things I want to say that are not about characters. The themes important for the whole book and many characters — desire for closeness with other people, striving to find someone who will understand you and will never leave, inevitability of tragic events, discrepancy between what you are and what people see you as, distortion of history — are introduced in the first chapters. All of them will be important in the future arcs and probably this is why it's so easy to find foils: we see how the same themes are explored in different characters. I wonder how many words will be used for more important characters if I wrote so much on Xiao Ying…

[gatheringbones]

hello! feel free to not answer this but I cannot stop thinking about what you said about "extruded fantasy product" especially w/r/t The Priory of the Orange Tree--which has always been marketed to me as being good because it is a wlw book but in reality has shallow characterization and a tedious plot that has to be forced into action for 800 (!) pages, instead of a self propelling and inevitable plot that is satisfying and has a lot of commentary. This is just my personal taste, of course. I am thinking about it as someone who writes fantasy but is also really dissatisfied with the current fantasy publishing landscape. it has made me think a lot about why I am so dissatisfied. I also loved what you said about kurt vonnegurt and octavia butler--it reminded me of how James Baldwin described a story vs a plot. I was wondering if I could ask what else you look for in fantasy you read and write? and how you separate that out from extruded fantasy product? again feel free not to answer, I just thought I'd ask. thank you!!! :)

I say extruded fantasy product because that’s really what it was for me in the earliest stages of drafting when I was pushing myself out of years of writing damage and internalized homophobia.

I knew beforehand that I would be confronting my internalized homophobia throughout the drafting process so I knew to keep tabs on where and when it showed up (and at times deliberately coaching myself in text on why it was there and what feelings came up when it did). I had this idea in my head of a queer book that straight people wouldn’t mind reading too. I had cut my eye teeth on fantasy; I knew the genre backwards and forwards and knew that I could cobble together something that contained just enough magical bullshit to keep the plot moving and the characters in the same proximity for long enough for feelings to develop. I wanted very badly for my work to deserve to exist on its own grounds as a perfectly acceptable fantasy book that just happened to be gay.

the only problem was that c brought me home the persistent desire after spotting it on her lunch break, and a package I’d ordered soon arrived containing Ivan coyote and rae spoon’s Gender Failure as well as Rosemary Curb’s book on lesbian nuns.

you can actually see the effect these books had on the mycelium of the story, and for all the books that followed. it matched the shockwave that went through my work when the pandemic hit and I decided to switch to writing by hand and filled four notebooks, reading and listening to as much as I could on somatic trauma work and the importance of rooting meaningful work in physical sensation, which had its own effect on what the story was turning into.

my notes to myself coaching my feelings surrounding my internalized homophobia began to get more specifically helpful and applicable. I suddenly had language for why whole stretches of the plot seemed like they were locked in ice, where my dissociative brain just stopped providing imagery that felt unsafe. I also had cinematic and poetic imagery for lesbian bodies doing lesbian things in a lesbian way, which had been more or less a black hole before I started deliberately reading lesbian work. I was beginning to understand what made lesbian writing different from straight writing and why the pieces I loved were so powerful. My excitement over this entire process made me feel like my writing had permission to exist. I knew it did because I actually had an idea of what already existed and exactly how my writing fits in the conversation that was going on between those works. Suddenly I could only read things that touched off those same feelings of excitement.

My ingredients transformed and diversified. I had a bead on powerful landmarks that meant more to me than years and years of extruded contextless wealth and inheritance obsessed fantasy product. Kurt Vonnegut’s lectures on the shape of stories. Octavia Butler’s notebooks. Joan Nestle’s woman poppa. Judy Grahn’s poem about Carol and her crescent wrench. Merlin Sheldrake being buried in wood chips. Assotto Saint’s family tasting salt.

That got away from me but I hope it answers at least one aspect of the question!