#i can't seem to calm down

[peachyberryji]

[7:28p]

[imagionary]

OH BOY Dave sure can! Do THAT! Was that presentation a one time thing or does he do that for kicks Translation: SHOULD I BE SCARED OF HIM

Itsa one time thang, babe, dontchu worry 'bout it, aight? ~

Unless you's plannin on crossin' me- hahaha! Just playin', or am I?

[cold--carnage]

it's really unfair that simply being in our own home is a trigger now sometimes

[basuralindo]

Hey do you think Jamil has trouble seeing people his age as peers?

Like, growing up having to be a caretaker to a guy literally a few months older than him, always expected to act like the adult in the situation, expected to work with adults and adopt their perspectives and pick up their slack. Do you think he just, forgets sometimes?

I mean we've seen him go into caretaker mode with other sophomores, and the only people I've seen him take seriously are juniors like Vil who also act much older than they should have to (his reactions to Leona look more like a trauma response and I don't wanna get into it here). People like Malleus and Cater still somewhat get the caretaker treatment. Like I just highly doubt that he subconsciously realizes he's actually part of his age group

Aaand that inevitably brings up Azul, who also acts like he thinks he's older than he is. Whether you're looking at it from a shipping angle or not, he reacts to Azul like an actual peer. With older students, he seems more in his element but there's still a status hierarchy which he compulsively reacts to. With Azul he doesn't acknowledge any status worth respecting or see him as someone who needs to be looked after. He just bickers like an equal, in a way that implies he actually does see Azul as a real peer, like subconsciously he's categorized this guy into the same group as himself, who was previously alone on that level (he gets like this more with the twins too, over time, but it seems to start with Azul).

And my favorite part about this is, while that response stems from them both acting more like adults in general, they elicit a pettiness from each other which drags them both down to actually acting their own age, and I just love that. Their characters are perfect foils for each other and it seems to make them both less isolated in a way.

[britneyshakespeare]

i was crying in front of a sidewalk tonight and someone in a passing car asked to me through their window "you alright?" honestly didnt even know what they expected

[ccaptain]

--- [ AUDIO-RECORDING-DATA RECOVERED. VIDEO-RECORDING-DATA RECOVERED. CURRENTLY VIEWING: ASTRID-MORTIS.MEMORYBUBBLE ] ---

[ In the shot, there are ████ people. One of them has its wrists handcuffed, a long chain held in the hands of a young man with red hair that's clutching it like a lifeline. A girl, with the same red hair as him, is trying to talk with what appears to be a prisoner. ]

Astrid: I'm sorry- did we tied the chain too tight? I can loosen it- [ WARNING: AUDIO DATA CORRUPTED. SOME PARTS OF THE BUBBLE MAY NOT PLAY CORRECTLY. ] ???: ██. ██'█ ████ ████ ████. █████ ███.  Astrid: Are you sure? Mortis: Sister... Astrid: ...Sorry- Mortis: He's an outlaw. I didn't handcuffed and chained him because I wanted to doll him up, Stri.  Astrid: But- Mortis: You loosen his chain- and then what? He attacks and kills us before we can get him to the Monastery. Is that what you want? Astrid: No... Mortis: Good. Do the first night shift, then- and do it well. And you, [ a finger is pointed at the prisoner. ] do NOT try anything funny. I have a knife- don't think I'll go soft on you like my sister. If I hear her scream, we'll bring you to the Monastery headless.

[ The girl lowers her head back into her joined knees, while Mortis passes her the chain and walks out of field view. The figure that should be the prisoner is nebulous- its traits are not recorded well, consistently shifting against the memory bubble. The upper part of its face cannot be recorded clearly- what can be seen on the face is expressionless. ]

[ Some time seems to have passed in the memory. Astrid has walked back to the handbag by the side of her sleeping brother, and is ripping a loaf of bread in half. She approaches the prisoner, who has not moved from seemingly staring into the bonfire, and hands it a large piece. ]

Astrid: Here. Eat this. You must be hungry. ???: ...███'██ ███ ████. █████ ███. Astrid: [ chuckling ] It's okay! We have more. Let me untie you...

[ After a bit of work, the girl manages to free the prisoner, who rubs its wrists through the handcuffs. ]

???: ...█████ ███. Astrid: You're welcome! [ pause. ] I'm sorry about my brother. He's been on edge ever since... well, ever since we stumbled into you. He's very protective... ???: █ ███ ███ ████. ██'█ ████. ████ █████ ██ █████ █████ ███. Astrid: I know! But he can be so overprotective sometimes... Astrid: What's your name? ???: ...█████.  [ AUDIO-RECORDING RESTORED. ] Kaeya: My name is Kaeya. What's yours? Astrid: My name is Astrid! My brother is... Kaeya: Mortis. Yes? He made sure that I knew. It's nice to meet you both. Astrid, can you tell me what planet this is? Astrid: Of course! It's called Onirith-II.  Kaeya: Onirith-II... I see. I have no knowledge of this planet- this must be why your brother was able to ambush me so easily. He must know his own planet very well- I could have never seen that net coming from above. It was extremely skillful of him. Astrid: Yeah! Our family owns a fishing business down in the city- we make the best nets. Still- I'm sorry about that... you don't look or act like an outlaw. You're very nice and calm. Why are you wanted? Kaeya: ...In the eyes of certaint people, I have done things bad enough to warrant me a bounty. It's... a bit difficult to explain. And I don't want to burden you further. I, however, can promise you a thing: I will not turn on you and your brother. You have captured me fair and square. Astrid: Okay... See, we're not going to hurt you. We're just going to bring you to the Monastery- once you tell them these things you told me, I'm sure they'll understand. Maybe it was just a big misunderstanding... Kaeya: Perhaps. I'd like to explain to them that I am not a threat. Astrid... what is this Monastery you're talking about? Is it a prison? Astrid: Sort of! It's where justice is done on our planet. It's the biggest building in the city! All the liars of the planet get taken here to have a trial. And, depending on what lies the person has told, they get...

[ The girl falls quiet. The prisoner looks at her, and rips a piece of bread to offer Astrid with a small smile. ]

Astrid: Oh... thank you.

[ There's silence for a moment, with only the sounds of chewing, before Astrid starts again. Her tone is somber, her shoulders have sagged. ]

Astrid: It doesn't matter if the lie is big or small... you get taken here. And you get punished accordingly. If the lie is small, you get detained for a few days... but if the lie is big, then... Kaeya: I understand. You don't have to force yourself to tell me about it- I'm sorry if I made you relive some bad memories.  Astrid: It's fine! I never lie. But Mortis... Kaeya: ...your brother has lied, and has been detained. Or harmed by your government.  Astrid: Yeah... a lot of times. ...You won't lie to them, no? Kaeya?

[ Kaeya doesn't respond to that. He lowers his gaze on the dying embers, and holds the bread offered to him a little tighter. And then... His head snaps upwards, and stares right into the viewer's eyes. ]

[ >>FAST FORWARD? ] [ FAST FORWARD HAS BEEN DIS█BLED. ] [ WARNING: MALICIOUS PRESENCE DETECTED IN THE M█MORY BU█BLE. ] [ IT IS RECO█MEN█D T█ EX█T THE █ROJ█CTION IMM█DIA█EL█. ]

[ ERROR. ASTRID-MORTIS-MEMORYBUBBLE HAS BEEN CORRUPTED. VIEWING THIS BUBBLE MAY- ]

Kaeya: Whoever you are, these memories are not yours to perouse. Leave the children alone. They have suffered enough.

[ Kaeya's hand lunges forward, towards the viewer- and the memory bubble cracks as if a mirror shattered, expressionless face separating into a million, asymmetrical pieces before the scene goes dark.  Trying to visualize the memory again simply makes the bubble tremble as if about to pop. It's past saving from the corruption. ]

...

ITEM OBTAINED: a piece of BREAD, forever encased in transparent EPOXY. It's decorated with DROPLETS OF DRIED BLOOD and a little roughed up, but it survived. if pressed close to the ear, cries for help and a certaint name can be heard coming from it.

[melit0n]

.

[carbonateddelusion]

I'm NORMAL (thinking about the fruit dads/the poly boyfriends with Eddie bc I remembered the picture of Max screaming at Chuck)

[thethingything]

I keep randomly remembering that the reason our brain is especially fucked and a bunch of our symptoms are worse right now is because of like, an avoidable external thing that's chemically affected our nervous system instead of either our symptoms flaring up on their own or some specific stressful event triggering it, and for some reason that keeps making us feel especially bad about it.

like our mental health being bad because of stressful stuff going on and our mental illnesses randomly flaring up both suck, but I can handle our brain just doing its own thing and/or reacting to what's going on around us.

but something about it being a medication that someone else prescribed that's changed the way our brain functions is significantly more distressing in a way I can't put into words properly. a lot of the symptoms we've got (apathy, brain fog, alexithymia, memory problems, etc) are very typical depression and dissociation symptoms, but they're like a weird version of them that feels very different to how we normally experience them.

the only way I can describe the difference in feeling is that it feels more "artificial" but I can't even really describe what I mean by that. if normal brain fog is looking out the window on a foggy day, this is looking out of a window that's been covered with those frosted vinyl sheets. you can't see shit either way, but the feeling is very different.

I just desperately want it to go away. I'm finding it hard to be enthusiastic about things I'm normally excited about no matter how bad our depression gets, and our usual coping mechanisms for getting our brain to register positive things aren't really working because it's not the same underlying mechanism.

it feels like any control I did have over our symptoms and anything I could do to help with them has been stripped away and all I can do is wait it out and hope it fixes itself, and the whole "being given a drug that changes how your brain functions and takes away your control over what your brain is doing" is pretty much the exact phobia I was trying to learn to figure out how to deal with before we get dental work done, and for the dental work it'd be like... idk probably an hour at most, whereas now I'm just stuck dealing with experiencing it 24/7 for an undetermined amount of time

[whosname]

No one's ready for my Gintama obsession colliding with my Doctor Who obsession. Not even me.

[bumblingbabooshka]

Change of Plans

[cheekblush]

i’ve been sitting in front of my chemistry notes for 3 hours crying because i just can’t retain any information

[watercooler-raptors]

desperately trying to find some rhyme or reason behind the fucking Chokehold that Con O'Neill as Israel 'fuck' Hands has over me... figuratively, of course, but if it were literally then tbh I would not mind at all

[ngmn2002]

*taking a deep breath*

Ehhhh............

[dan-sing-in-the-rain]

.

[melit0n]

3:35 to 4:10 in Levitate is so unbelievably comforting to me. In the best (and worst) way possible, it truly does feel like levitation.

The best way I can describe it is laying in someone's arms, lover, friend, foe or family, and simply basking in the comfort they give you. One arm wrapped, gently, around your middle, fingers tracing invisible patterns on your clothes, and the other hand softly combing through your hair as they whisper soft nothings in your ear. You're on the brink of sleep; half listening to their words and half being drawn in by the comfort of the drowsy void.

It's a warm hug that you never want to leave. (catch me replaying that part over and over)