#i cant ever have confidence in a relationship again because im afraid they’re not really attracted to me

[benderbendingrodriguez]

not been a good day today fellas

[sweetestmonotony]

I compared niall's albums to shawn’s and WOW

So I always felt like Niall and Shawn were writing about each other but only casually listened to Shawn so I never made any hard connections, but I just went through and listened to/read the lyrics to niall and shawn’s past two albums and WOW. they basically tell the same story but from each other’s different perspectives. SO  I went through and wrote a little summary for each song and then compared their albums. Feel free to read or completely ignore!

Shawn: ILLUMINATE 2016

SUMMARY: shawn very much loves this person but he isn’t sure how they feel about him/ he also makes it clear to this person that they can’t actually be together not because he doesn’t love them but because of other unsaid circumstances (i.e. can’t be openly in love with a guy)

There’s nothing holding me back: Confident girl that keeps him guessing, makes him crazy- wants to confess love for her

Ruin: Questioning if the other person thinks about him/remembers their time together, believes he’s the only one for this person but doesn’t know if person feels the same way about him

Mercy: YOU’VE GOT A HOLD ON ME DON’T EVEN KNOW YOUR POWER///EVEN THOUGH YOU DON’T MEAN TO HURT ME YOU KEEP TEARING ME APART//like every lyric of this song screams hopelessly in love with a friend

Treat you better: pining for someone-- again believes he’s the only for this person

Three empty words: sad about a relationship ending/going through difficult time

Don’t be a fool: telling this person that he isn’t worth it “a mess you won’t want to fix,” saying that they both love each other but circumstances keep them apart

Like this: Trying to move on from relationship but cant stop thinking about this person/ still picks up the phone for them I CAN TRY TO STOP IT ALL I LIKE HANDS DOWN IVE LOST THIS FIGHT CANT HIDE THE TRUTH –I read this is as he cant hide his feelings any longer-he is definitely in love and can’t hide it

No Promises: does not want to complicate relationship/ can’t make promises because there will be consequences

Lights on: wants to have sex—biggest takeaway is another mention of being in a hotel, lots of hotel mentions from shawn and at least one from niall (meet each other in other cities)

Honest: can’t give person what they need/there is no other person but shawn cannot be with them---extenuating circumstances once again in the way

Patience: person can’t make up their mind about shawn/keeps him guessing about their relationship/shawn knows this person makes him crazy but he keeps coming back

Bad reputation: this person has been with other people/shawn doesn’t care and claims to know more about this person better than others

Understand: trying to find peace/acceptance with himself

Hold on: basically love song for his dad—again about finding himself/peace

Roses: wants to know if this other person loves him -- he needs to know

 Niall: FLICKER 2017

SUMMARY: in love with this person who constantly pulls away, niall is always reassuring and wants them to be together despite things that try to keep them apart, including the other person’s worries and doubts

She’s on the loose: alluring woman, she’ll meet niall wherever, loves attention

This town: can’t move on from a loving relationship

Seeing blind: someone took him by surprise/he can finally see

Slow hands: they both want each other

Too much too ask: can’t forget about this person/wonders if this person thinks about him or stills loves him-imagines this person coming back to him

Paper Houses: they tried to hold on to their love but just couldn’t-outside circumstances/ he could feel this person slipping away—can’t forget them

Since we’re alone: knows this person is hiding feelings—they are afraid/running—niall tries to reassure them, tells them he is trustworthy and will not break their heart

Flicker: relationship is rocky but he is still hopeful/not giving up—begging this person not to leave him

Fire away: niall can tell that this person is upset (similar to since we’re alone)/again tells this person that they can trust him—person keeps him at a distance

You and me: promises this person that they will end up together even though things are against them/asks this person to wait for him

On my own: embraces his being alone/insists he’s happy on his own

Mirrors: reassures girl who is unsure of herself and who wants love

The tide: don’t let the tide wash us away!!! He doesn’t want their relationship to end, something always tries to keep them apart but niall wants them to stay together/wants to hide them away

 Illuminate VS Flicker

Both love and care about each other but Shawn feels the pressure of society much more than niall, making him always pull away in the end. This leads the other person (niall) to most likely hook up with/hang out with other people confusing Shawn. Shawn constantly asking for reassurance that this person loves him, even though he cannot make any promise. On flicker Niall feels this person (shawn) pulling away and tries to be there for them/comfort them and promises that he can be trusted. Very much wants to keep their relationship together and reiterates this multiple times.

  Shawn: SHAWN MENDES 2018

SUMMARY: Shawn and this person (niall) have decided to be friends but inevitably hook up with each other/ become friends with benefits but it is not easy because they obviously love each other but feel they can’t actually be in a relationship with each other. They both try to date others, causes jealousy/more confusion but makes shawn realizes this is the only person for him.

In my blood: obviously depressed/upset “just take her home and you’ll feel better” “Its isn’t in my blood”—needs someone to help him

Nervous: is always nervous/excited about this person—knows this person wants them too

Lost in japan: LOOKING THROUGH YOUR TIMELINE ALL I SEE IS RAINBOWS –KNOW THIS IS MORE THAN A FRIENDSHIP—will fly anywhere to meet them for one night i.e. friends with benefits

Where were you in the morning: Person did not stay the morning after but made shawn think there was more to their relationship

Like to be you: fighting with this person—trying to understand them/ still loves them and wishes things were better

Fallin all in you: only supposed to be one night but they’re falling in love/making him rethink himself “Baby you are bringing out a different kind of me, there’s no safety net that’s underneath im free fallin all in you, FELL FOR MEN WHO WERENT HOW THEY APPEAR trapped up on a tightrope now we’re here WE’RE FREE fallin all in you”

Particular taste: YOU’LL BE BEGGING HER FOR MERCY

Why: every lyric in this song screams niall but to sum up: they know they both love each other but neither will speak first/ I PRETEND THAT IM NOT READY WHY DO WE PUT EACH OTHER THROUGH HELL/WHEN I HEAR YOU SING, IT GETS HARD TO BREATH CANT HELP BUT THINK EVERY SONGS ABOUT ME —so obviously this is about a person who is a singer/songwriter! (NIALL)—AND EVERY LINE EVERY WORD THAT I WRITE YOU ARE THE MUSE IN THE BACK OF MY MIND—no further comments but this song is for real and he only wrote it with two other people SO

Because I had you: shawn is trying to move on but says he will never love anyone else/ takes someone else out to all the places they had been too (trying to recreate their relationship with someone else but it doesn’t work)

Queen: angry at this person for brushing him off or pretending like they don’t have history

Youth: society won’t get him down

Mutual: person keeps him guessing—wants all of this person but doesn’t know if this person can commit/ believes it’s a game for this other person

Perfectly wrong:  says this person is “perfectly wrong” for him but still loves them anyway, they were never gonna work out

When you’re ready: only ever thinks of this person, ANYTIME YOURE READY IM WAITING (this makes me think of you and me when niall asks the person to wait for him, you and me is the last song on flicker standard addition and when you’re ready is the last song on this album= an answer to niall’s question) –shawn tries to be with others but is always disappointed because it is not this person

BONUS: IF I CAN’T HAVE YOU 2019

Shawn obsesses over this person—reads their texts constantly, only writes songs about this one person/only wants this one person CANT MOVE ON IF WE’RE STILL GONNA TALK/IM GOOD AT KEEPING MY DISTANCE/EVERYTHING MEANS NOTHING IF I CANT HAVE YOU—this song screams in love with his friend he hooks up with ALSO its co -written with the same two people he wrote Why with

 Niall:  HEARTBREAK WEATHER 2020

SUMMARY: (keep in mind that niall said to listen to this album start to finsh to “feel the storyline”)

Niall is in love with this person and wants to be with them forever but the other person pulls away. They both see other people but niall can’t get over them. In the meantime, they continue to hook up with each other but niall can’t change the fact that he loves this person. He finally comes to the conclusion that he wants to be with them and asks them to take him back because he’s still in love with them. This album really feels like it tells the whole story of niall and shawn’s relationship start to finish.

Heartbreak weather: niall feels happy/content with this person

Black and White:  IN ALL YOUR GORGEOUS COLORS/ I WANT THE WORLD TO WITNESS WHEN WE FINALLY SAY I DO—promises that he’ll never love anyone else, pictures them together when they’re old

Dear patience: trying to tell this person how he really feels/is nervous but needs to say how he feels

Bend the rules: worried this person is seeing someone else, is worried/upset and misses them, feels crazy

Small talk: Hooks up with someone else SHE’S NOT MY BABY SHE’S GOT THE WRONG CRAZY

Nice to meet ya: Meets someone new, wants to take them out

Put a little love on me: thinks about this person, wonders what they’re doing/ how they are -- ARE YOUR TEARS FALLING DOWN WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE LOW ANOTHER FRIDAY NIGHT TRYNA PUT ON A SHOW (shawn playing concerts/ being sad about niall in between performances) WE WROTE AND WE WROTE TILL THERE WERE NO MORE WORDS (both writing songs about each other) heartbroken about not being with person

Arms of a stranger: he was in love with this person and they left him with nothing, he’s “in the arms of a stranger but why do I think of you?”

Everywhere: Tried to forget about this person but sees them everywhere

Cross your mind: ITS YOUR SHOW IM JUST WATCHING IT/ IF YOU LEAVE AND DON’T COME BACK TOMORROW AT LEAST YOU CAME TONIGHT – friend with benefit—knows this person sees others and believes this person doesn’t know how much they affect him—loves this person anyway, person says they love them too but he doesn’t know how serious they are

New angel: is always thinking about this person and is looking for a distraction TO SAVE ME FROM MYSELF I NEED A NEW ANGEL—hopes this new angel will help him forget the other person

No judgement: (makes me think of since we’re alone and fire away) will not judge this person and is here for them/ I GET US BREAKFAST IN THE MORNING OR YOU CAN SLIP OUT IN THE NIGHT/ EVEN THOUGH WE DON’T TALK FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS ITS LIKE WE DIDN’T LOSE ANY TIME I CAN BE YOUR LOVER OR YOUR SHOULDER TO CRY ON/ I HOPE WE NEVER CHANGE EVEN THOUGH WE’LL BOTH MOVE ON AGAIN ILL KEEP YOUR SECRET SAFE TILL WE FIND OURSELVES ALONE AGAIN—he obviously has a lot of history with this person and knows things about them, is always there for them, they may not see each other all the time (on again off again) but they always love each other and come back to one another

San Fransisco: wants to be with this person but thinks they can’t last—makes up his mind to be with this person and asks them to take him back/ SAY IM DONE RUNNING FROM THE ONE I WANT SO BAD

Still: Niall is sorry for what he has done but wants to make it work with this person, he is still in love with them/they have been through a lot and broken up but have come so far and IF HONESTY MEANS TELLING YOU THE TRUTH WELL IM STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU/ tells them it’ll be alright

 SHAWN MENDES VS HEARTBREAK WEATHER

On each album they sing about becoming friends with benefits with someone they love. They both try to move on and see other people but only ever think about each other. They both come to the conclusion that they want to be with each other despite all the hard times they have been through.

*Extra side note: Teddy Geiger co-wrote almost every song on illuminate and shawn mendes and now co wrote a few songs on heartbreak weather. also, niall and shawn have the same group of people (different groups of people for each of them) that they write songs with on their albums which makes me think that these people know the storylines and are people they trust/maybe confide in. 

[trueslove]

✧･ﾟ: * (  park jiwon  ,  cis  female ,  she / her  )  have  you  seen  violet  hwang  around  ?   i  hear  the  twenty-one  year  old  is  working  as  an  art  director  .  did  you  know  they  have  97  love  alarm  points  ?  if  they  ever  want  to  be  truly  loved  someday  they  should  ease  up  on  being  temperamental  &  enigmatic  .  at  least  you  can  say  they’re  disarming  &  convivial,  too.  /  love alarm blocked

                     hello  !  im  xan  and  ur  watching  d*sney  channel ...  just  kidding  we  do  NOT  support  big  corporations  who  just  wanna  take  ur  money  😔  im  22  ,  from  the  est  timezone  (  even  though  my  sleeping  schedule  ...  does  not  reflect  that  sjbdwjkbdjdw  )  &  i  go  by  she  /  her  pronouns  !  im  gonna  be  honest  this  intro  is  gonna  be  completely  winged  so  buckle  up  ....  and  meet  violet  😋 

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     quick stats + aesthetics  !

full name: violet hwang. 

nickname(s): vee, vivi.

zodiac: tba....

sexuality: bisexual.

birthplace: manhattan, new york.

current residence: toronto, canada.

aesthetics: maraschino cherries at the bottom of a glass, driving with the windows down at night, unanswered text messages, black nail polish, the sound of rain hitting the windowpane, kissing and not telling, smiles that don’t quite reach the eyes.

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     backstory ! 

was born and raised in nyc baby ! she’s a true city girl, grew up in lower manhattan ( the financial district if u wanna get specific ) to a family with lots of $$$$ thanks to her father’s position as a ceo of an investment bank located on wall street 

life was pretty smooth until she was 17 and her father got arrested for embezzlement and fraud </3 it was actually a huge scandal for the investment bank he worked for because it was a whole group of higher ups who had been in on these crimes. basically a bunch of already rich men trying to get richer ... disgusting ik /: 

her life changed pretty drastically after that ! the hwang name was all over the news, their family was pretty much disgraced by high society in nyc, not a very fun time for anyone but especially not for violet’s mom 

after her dad got arrested violet was uhh high key furious with him for ruining their lives with his greed and she wanted nothing to do with him, but her mom couldnt let go. she was still defending him, spending the money they had left on lawyers which included the money the family had set aside for violet’s trust fund that she would have had access to once she was 18 </3

 so her plans for college changed pretty drastically JSDBJWBDJW ( goodbye ivy league education ) she actually ended up getting into the university of toronto for visual studies on an academic scholarship 

so she made the big move all on her own....moved into a tiny dorm...and vowed to reinvent herself. she didnt wanna be labeled as the daughter of a white collar criminal anymore so she just made it a point not to talk to much abt her past to anyone 

her struggles as someone who grew up with $$$$ turning into a broke college student made for some embarrassing but funny moments <3 luckily though everyone else had their own struggles so no one found it suspicious JSBDJWBDJ

when love alarm launched three years ago, violet had just started college so it was really the Big thing anyone and everyone was talking about. since she’d never been a fan of other dating apps, she wasn’t gonna download it but her roommate at the time convinced her ! at first it was fun, just something she didnt take too seriously 

fast forward to graduation and she’s snagged a job as an art director for a little local museum, doing freelance art directing on the side to help pay the bills. low and behold one day a photographer hires her to be the art director to a shoot they’re doing for a badge club member who was in a very high profile and public relationship at the time

violet ended up working with that photographer and badge club member a handful of times, enough for her to catch fee-🤢 catch feelin-🤢 i cant even say it .. she’d never rung anyone’s love alarm before, so of course her first time had to be with someone who was already taken </3 safe to say she ... freaked out 

she was embarrassed above all else, but also heartbroken bc in her head like ... why would someone who literally is part of an exclusive club based on ppl ringing their love alarm care that she rung theirs ? she didnt think it’d be a big deal to them the way it was to her ( but also didn’t stick around long enough to find out jsxbsjbdjw ) 

when she was offered the block she didn’t hesitate to use it figuring it’s better if no one knows her romantic feelings ever again like that /: she’d delete the app but a part of her still likes knowing there are ppl out there who DO like her like that so ... Rip truly 

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     personality + tidbits !

she comes across as ... kind of a bitch SDJBJWBJWBDW it’s truly not on purpose she just has a pretty serious resting expression most of the time ( so she looks mad or annoyed even when she isn’t ) and she’s pretty difficult to get to know ? not to mention the fact that no one has ever witnessed her ring someone’s love alarm .. so all that combined just makes it easy to assume she’s some sort of ice queen when that’s far from the truth /: 

violet really isn’t one to open up too deep to people, but that’s got a lot to do with the past she’s kind of running away from ! so if you’re her friend most of the stuff you know about her is probably surface stuff, but when she’s close to someone she can make that fact hard to realize ? she just has a way with making the people in her life feel important so it’s easy not to be focused on how much you know about her 

never bothers to correct the people that misjudge her. if you don’t like her, if you want to make up assumptions and rumors about her, go ahead like violet really won’t stop you which can sometimes make meeting new people difficult </3 if you’ve seen the dating class webdrama chuu was in she’s kinda like oh seyoung’s chara joowon 🤧

if she wants to, though, she’s pretty good at getting people to like her / trust her ! she does this a lot in professional situations, which is why she’s been doing so well as an art director so far despite being so young 

she’s also very loyal to her friends ! if you can’t ask for extra sauces at mcdonald’s....if you can’t make a phone call to your credit card company explaining that a $3,000 charge to starbucks wasn’t you.....she’s your girl <3 since she’s relatively not bothered by the way people see her ( unless it has to do with her past ) she’s usually the one speaking up if someone she cares about can’t 

after the ... incident ... JSDBWJDBWJ she’s really not a fan of the badge club and everything it stands for ): BUT she continues to do art directing work for a lot of the members when they do photoshoots, or instagram campaigns, or if they have a pop up shop, etc. it’s good money and she needs every penny considering she’s living without support from her family 

cannot cook to save her life so she’s always eating out .. this really is why she’s taking those more high profile jobs she can’t budget .. but it’s better, safety wise at least, that she continues wasting her money on takeout aha <3 

pretends she’s not a romantic and is all about the ~casual flings~ but really she’s just afraid of serious feelings and the idea of a serious relationship ... it’s the trauma 😔 constantly jokes shes gonna bring the tinder whore era back JWDBWJBDJW she is sick of this true love nonsense ! ( the irony of this url ahaha... ) 

she’s the most social after a few drinks, since drunk her isn’t burdened by a mind that overthinks literally everything the way she is sober. if you don’t supervise her though she can get pretty carried away and probably get into some kind of trouble so she’s definitely not the person you want to be in charge on a night out !

really wants a dog but doesn’t think she’s cut out to be a pet parent it feels just as scary as the idea of having an actual kid so ... BDWBDJW if you have a pet ? she’s gonna be living vicariously through you <3 

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     wanted connections !

the photographer that hired her / introduced her to the badge club member she ended up having feelings for 

the badge club remember she had / has feelings for because we love suffering 😈

old roommates from college !! maybe even the one that got her to download love alarm in the first place hehehe

also a current roommate / roommates because your girl can’t afford to live on her own <3

someone she’s confided in about her past ( maybe they judged her for it and had a falling out, or maybe they remain confidants ) 

an ex bf or gf she dated while she was in school ! she never rang their love alarm ( even though this was pre block ) so maybe that’s why things ended between them. or maybe they never rang each others and it was just a mutual thing where they both didn’t really have feelings for each other and tried to date anyway and it didn’t work. or perhaps they dated and when violet realized she was starting to have those feelings she dipped before she ever got a chance to ring their love alarm bc she didn’t want to be exposed like that and commitment is scary ): 

spare best friend ? i’d use a knife emoji to show you how serious i am but i dont wanna scare anyone away aha .. i would just love a best friend plot 🥺

current flings / hookups or past flings / hookups ! i imagine most of them to not be serious but it would be kinda cool if there was someone she’s seeing now that she’s got the love alarm block that she’s actually falling for considering she’s never gonna be able to ring their love alarm hehehehe

people she art directs for !! i imagine she’s got a pretty long list of employers ( from badge club members to regular folk  🤧 ) so it would be cool to have people who hire her for stuff, or who collaborate with her for artistic endeavors since i’ve noticed we have a lot of artsy muses <3 

ummm maybe an enemy. but where it’s like .. the hate isn’t even that deep it’s just like oh you dislike me ? well i dislike you FIRST 😠 and they insult each other and try and sabotage each other like five year olds fighting on the playground like it seems super serious to them but to everyone watching it’s like ... can you guys just get over it you dumb babies KSDBSDBWD like they could probably be good friends if they just .. stopped 

and you’ve reached the end of this NOVEL of an intro post JDBJWBDJWBDW im literally so sorry i tried not to ramble but ..... its just who i am </3 please come shoot me a message to plot !!! you can use tumblr ims but im way more available / quicker to respond on discord so if u wanna add me there and plot u can find me at junhee mr. soft hands ʕ´• ᴥ•̥`ʔ#8172  i also did not check this post for typos so if u find one ... mind ur business 😭😭😭 

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

answers (16)

Anonymous said: A lot of these secrets are really serious and sad so heres a lighter one: me and my sister are knitting christmas socks for the whole family as a surprise. Ive never knit a pattern before but im really good!!

Amazing!! 

Anonymous said: idk if your still doing this but my secret is I fear im a terrible person who only acts nice to rick people into liking her and ik that actually does make me an okay but i still feel im doing it for the wrong reasons and someones going to get too close and find out the truth and hate me

That’s very self aware of you, I think-- probably too self aware. You’re absolutely right to say it’s the trying that matters, but I’m not gonna blame you for worrying about it. I have similar concerns about myself sometimes. I’m aware that for me personally they’re partially justified. Some of my kindness is self motivated. 

I think though (and it seems like you already know this) it’s the effect of the kindness that matters. Maybe it’s better for me if I have “pure” intentions, but if I don’t, I should still do the kind things anyway, right? Because at the end there’s still going to be good. And there’s nothing bad about actively trying to be good, which is all we’re doing. 

Anonymous said: my secret is that ive been chasing after a dream my whole life but im not sure ill ever achieve it. times running out and i dont know what to do if i cant. i feel like my whole life has been put on standby and i dont know the way out. i know ill be okay in the end but i dont know what the end will be and that scares me.

Shit that’s relatable. You really will be okay, but it’s terrifying in the meantime, isn’t it? To have those turning points bearing down on you?

Things will happen. You can’t stop that. Time is gonna continue, but you’ll still be there at the end. Your head’s already in the right place. 

Anonymous said: My secret is that I really, really like one of my friends, but he has a girlfriend and slept with one of my best friends when they were both super drunk. I want the feelings to stop and go back to being just friends, because I honestly think I don't have a chance, but there is a small part of me that doesn't want to let go. I don't know what to do.

Well that’s a bitch of a situation, isn’t it? Romantic feelings aren’t really my area, but I understand holding on to things you consciously want to let go. Emotions always feel like part of me, you know? I don’t want to tear them away. Sometimes it’s better to do it, though. I don’t know from a few sentences if that’s the case here, but I hope you find the way that’s the best for you 

Anonymous said: My secret is I used to be suicidal, in my pre/early teens. I had realised I was lesbian in a small, largely Catholic town and hated myself for it. I was awful at social situations and couldn’t make friends. I hated myself for having baby fat because I danced part time. Then as I got older I slowly got more confident until one day a friend died I realised that holy shit I used to be suicidal and I could have killed myself. I’m terrified that I might get like that again and actually do it

Honestly, and I know this is gonna sound cliche, but I’m always in awe of folks like you. I don’t handle my own mental health issues super well most of the time, and to hear about someone growing? Changing? Getting better? Amazing

Anonymous said: If you're still taking these... my secret is that I don't want to give birth to children ever, and would consider adopting instead (when I'm older), but if I were to voice that to any family member or even an acquitance, they would shun me for it and make sure they try to talk me out of it. I really hate how conservative people put so many expectations on my shoulders

Heyyyyyy same. I’m not planning on birthing any kids, but my parents have come down pretty heavily on the single-women-should-not-adopt-children thing, which is.... bullshit. I’m gonna adopt some kids one day, whether they like it or not. 

You know your own mind and your own plans. Other people don’t have to be happy about them, even (maybe especially) family members. 

Anonymous said: My secret is that I’m a bad friend. I don’t make time for the few friends I have and spend most my time working or being in my room. They deserve better than me.

I don’t think you’re a bad friend. Not being around isn’t bad-friend behavior. You’re not hurting anyone. You’re not doing anything wrong. And I certainly don’t think that it justifies the idea that they should leave you. Relationships are always kinda a difficult balancing act, but you don’t have to be perfect at balancing it, you know?

Anonymous said: My secret is that I'm extremely self-sufficient, I've always had to be. But because there's no one else taking care of me it's so hard to invest my time in others because I'll neglect my own mental state. It make sit hard to develop stable relationships. Every once in a while I re-realize that I'm no one's priority so I have to be my own. And it just sucks.

Shit anon that’s really really rough. It makes me sad with you. I’m not going to tell you you’re wrong, because I don’t know, do I? But I hope you are. 

Anonymous said: My secret is I imagine myself as OCs I create for certain fandoms like Young Justice or Castlevania, and I spend all my time daydreaming of how I would act in episodes and how I would interact with the characters. I think it’s because I’m not satisfied with my life, and I’m also afraid that this makes me either weird or crazy.

Oh biggest mood

I do that too. I’m not in a position to say whether that’s a good or bad thing, but I like to think it just makes us creative. For me, it eventually found an outlet in writing, and that’s been a big source of joy in my life. I had some unpleasant experiences sharing that stuff with people in the past, but for me? I don’t worry about it anymore. I know a lot of people that do similar stuff.

Write some fanfiction, maybe :) You might be real good at it

Anonymous said: My secret is I’m secretly attracted to people who are better than me at stuff

That’s not really my area, but seems to me that’s a pretty good thing to be attracted to. One of the sweetest things I hear around school is people talking about how their partners are going to be such good lawyers. It’s cute. 

Anonymous said: My secret is that my anxiety is crushing me. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Oh, anon. I just.... feel you. I’ve been really struggling lately with the idea that other people move through life without that handicap, and it amazes and angers me. Why don’t I get that? Why am I like this? It isn’t fair. 

And it isn’t. It just isn’t. You didn’t ask to death match your brain every second of the day. You’re not any worse than everyone else, so why do you have to suffer? I don’t know. I really don’t.

The only happy thing I can say to you is people do heal. It’s bullshit that it takes so much time and effort, but it is possible. I’m better off now than I was five years ago, even if it did take five years and a whole lot of therapy, medication, and energy. You shouldn’t have to fight like this, but you can, and you can win. 

Anonymous said: My secret is Im so bitter most of the time that I cant be happy for others. Me and my best friend are both singers but I can never be happy for her when she gets compliments or any success bc im jealous and im scared I'll never learn to be selfless and happy for other people

You’re only human. You have human emotions. You have every right to feel them. The only thing that matters is your choices, because that’s the only thing you can control. 

I’m so sorry you’re scared. That’s another emotion you have every right to feel 

Anonymous said: My secret is that sometimes I hated myself for not express what I felt because I thought they'll hate me or make distance of me but I'm learning to express my feelings to others and try to be more confidence :) I hope you'll be brave too and do whatever you want to do 💜

I wanna be anon when I grow up 

Anonymous said: My secret is that my hands hurt all the time but in different ways, and I’m scared to get help because I’m scared they’ll tell me I’m making it up or being dramatic.

Man do I hate the shit people put you through to get medical help. Everybody’s entitled to ask, aren’t they? So why are we all making that difficult? Why are we making people feel bad about their own pain?

I understand your fear, but I hope you start asking questions anyway. Other people’s opinions about it aren’t your fault

Anonymous said: My secret is that my dermatillomania has gotten way worse since I got to college, so I’m having to wear headscarves again to keep myself from picking my scalp. I smuggled my scarf collection out of my room without telling my parents.

I’m sorry, anon. That’s difficult. That sucks. That’s bullshit. 

Anonymous said: my secret is that when one of my family members says something homophobic I'll laugh and agree because I'm afraid that they'll disown me if there's any shred of proof that I'm LGBT and it makes me feel like such filth

That’s not your fault. It’s theirs for making you feel unsafe, because your safety really should be your first priority! That’s okay! You’re not being a bad person by doing it. You’re just protecting someone. You’re allowed to make that someone you

[caps-clever-girl]

thoughts on endgame.

fair warning, i am not going to be kind. i enjoyed watching this movie, for the most part. it was funny; it had many good jokes and good, pure and well done interactions between multiple characters. but i didnt like it, and here are the reasons why.

unfortunately, this isnt a ‘nitpicky’ post. my main problems are with a lot of the bigger points points of the film, and had quite a few. this is a LONG post.

• “marvels first gay character!!!!!!!!!!!!” shut up. you joined the ‘fad’ late for brownie points and it was a cameo character who got about 3 lines. there are plenty of canon queer and gay characters who could have been introduced, either as cameos or in earlier films. dont even get me started on the fact that tony has more canon bi material than most others and marvel could have taken the time or even the slightest bit of effort to make this. while i enjoyed the jokes about steve being Incredibly Hot and his ass being Gods Gift To America (which honestly??? correct!) that could have been expanded on. several characters made comments about how nice steve’s ass is, and could have been used as actual material for a queer character, instead of sticking a random chharacter in there. i get the whole ‘gay people could be anyone! its normal!’ thing by giving the ‘role’ to a regular person, but you would also prove that by making any one of your 30+ main cast actually queer instead of making gay jokes and hints that could be retconned and explained away by humour.

• slapping someone out of a panic attack, and treating the panic attack like a joke. yeah, i get it, they didnt have a lot of time. still, come on. did iron man 3 teach you nothing? apparently not since tonys ptsd was pretty much never brought up again.

• speaking of thor. now, i am not an expert, but when a person gains weight, they do not keep their abs. certainly not after five entire years - not even asgardians. i also found it odd that thor became the way he did. i understand gaining weight and comfort eating after all the trauma thor went through losing his home and brother and people, i really do, but 1.) do it properly, at least, and 2.) thor is the leader of his people. does he want the task? not particularly. he hasnt wanted to be king since the first thor movie, but hes been forced into the role. even depressed i dont think thor would shy away from it, not completely. hes always wanted to do right by his people and i think that hed stuck to it, especially after The Snap backing him into a corner, if that makes sense. to clarify, i dont have a problem with chubby/fat thor. (IF done right instead of with weird, shitty cgi, that is.) i have a problem with the fact that thor, even though he doesnt want to be king, would abandon the last remanents displaced people to build a new home all on their own and become a hermit gamer boy. ESPECIALLY with valkyrie around. she’s been through a derpressive, alcohol fuelled time in her life and thor pulled her out of it. (mostly anyway, asgardians are party animals and im p sure she still gets trolleyed on the reg) i have bo doubt that after years of wallowing she would do her damned best to try and kick his ass out of it, even if it were just because his people need a leader, instead of letting him drop everything on her and just let him stew while new asgard gets on with it. i also didnt like the fact that all of thors emotional moments were treated as jokes and made to be funny when hes genuinely Fucked Up about eveything thats happening and made his image into a whiny crybaby.

• professor hulk. more of a personal one, this, simply because i just didnt like it. fair enough if y’all disagree on this one, im not going to fight it. i just never saw him wanting to combine himself with the hulk. ever. when he apleared on the screen i was completely blindsided, and his explanation, and the way he interacted with the kids????? i just want to know where all of this confidence suddenly came from. i use the term ‘suddenly’ loosely, since its been five years, but bruce has never been the guy to care about strength or looks or fame. hes always been shy and nerdy. not afraid to stand his ground or make his opinion known. hes bot a catchphrase, posing and flexing ‘hell yeah lets take a selfie’ guy. i get that thats maybe the result of the hulk and bruces combined personality but it just felt WEIRD to me, like, there wasnt a time in the film where i felt comfortable with the character. this was the final avengers film, with all of the original six avengers in it. but it didnt feel like that, it didnt feel like bruce or the hulk was in the film, even though there was a lot of funny and good moments with orofessor hulk, it felt like a stranger with some familiar characteristics. it ruined any feelings of nostalgia for me. i like bruce, and i like the hulk. i like the way their differences add to the story and the way they interact with eachother, and the slow change in their relationship. sorry if its petty but i prefer them seperate, theres just so much more to them for me.

• clint and natasha’s journey for the soul stone. both times, in infinity war and endgame, a male character and a female character went to get the soul stone. both times the male came back and the female died, and we lost possibly two most developed and main-line female characters in the entire mcu. now i understand the reasoning for both, and out of the characters that went there, i agree with the choice. thanos and gamora; it was thanos who was aware of the sacrifice and who chose to make it. gamora didnt get a choice and was unaware until it was too late. thanos was never going to die there. he knew there would be a sacrifice and chose to take gamora, because she would be the most likely sacrifice to actualky sucsesfully yield the soul stone because she was the most loved by him. i get it, but we lost gamora and i dont like it. clint and natasha; looking at it completely objectively, clint has a family, a wife and three children, that he wants to get back. natasha does not have any children, nor any (blood) family. if i had to choose, based on facts like that, id choose her too. but i still hate it, because there goes the only female member of the avengers. also, nebula (and i think maybe rocket?) KNEW that a sacrifice would be made and either accidentaly or deliverately left out the terms of aquiring the soul stone. it would have been easy to tell, if not easy to solve. but nothinb was said, and two best friends had to make a fucking awful and horrible choice when they might not have had to.

• on the ‘feminism’ tangent; the random congragation of women in the end scene??????? i dont????? okay so i am marking myself as a hypocrite here because i did love this scene!!! it made my lil gay heart go boom to see so many good and strong women all in one place - ESPECIALLY rescue - and it also made me realise how many women there actually are across the mcu??? which was really nice?? but it just felt... so forced? the way they ALL suddenly apleared and stood together even though they were all mixed in around the battlefield. it was a wonderful thought and i did enjoy it, but it seemed too Off and Odd to seem as much more than a bid for Feminism Brownie Points.

• captain marvel. i dont know about you, but i was actually looking forward to her being in the film. for a character so hyped to be the saviour of the avengers and the end of thanos, she was barely in the film. ‘i have other planets to save, the earth isnt the only one affected by thanos’ yeah but earth is the only plannet actively attacked by him. its where the people who are rallying to fight him and reverse what he did are. dont you want to stick around and help them? surely it would be a hell of a lot easier with your help, and faster too. yes, she blasted theough the ship at the end, but she did fuck all to help defeat thanos himself, and the help she did give with the ship came at the end. i genuinely think they kept her out of the movie because she was too powerful, and would have made fighting thanos etc too easy to get all the suffering and noble sacrifices in. if she had been a side character i dont think id be as mad, but she got a whole MOVIE in which she is clearly the start of the entire avengers initiative; she is their HISTORY!!!! she is so powerful!!!! and yet she has 5 mins of screen time!! it pisses me off that she was So Strongly implied to be the character the avengers NEEDED, the one that without whom it would be IMPOSSIBLE to defeat thanos; the woman that really tipped the scales in there favour, and yet she did fuck all. (and lets not even get started on the carol/rhodey and carol+tony bromance we COMPLETELY missed out on.)

• (speaking of bonding what the fuck happened to tony and nebula????? after they were rescued it was like they never met)

• the whole entire concept of time what the fuck!!! ‘dont change anything’ okay well for the most part you did okay, and the PLAN and CONCEPT was actually really easy to grasp, at least to me, which is hard when working with paradoxes and wibbley-wobbley timey-wimey stuff. but that went out the water when past!thanos and his army were brought into the future and disintergrated. does this mean they’re dead in the past - since they would have just. Left and not come back and therefore ceased to exist from that point???? or did tonys Snap simply send them back to their point in time, with no memory of what had occured? idk because it aint explained.

• speaking of; loki. again - his past changed; he managed to escape, with the tessarect. this is not explained nor expanded upon. assuming the events of thor 2 came about - which were impossible if he escaped - then his timeline would carry on as normal, and would PERHAPS explain the tessarects wacky timeline. (i dont know for certain, because i cant work it out anyway). but loki disspearing means he wouldnt have gone to trial on asgard, nor would he wouldnt have been in thor 2 - also by extention meaning that frigga is still alive. technically if he went back to get odin off the throne anyway, everything else after thor 2 involving loki/asgard would still come to pass. either way, we dont know. it was a nice way for endgame to give fans what we wanted; the posibility of loki coming back. but it doesnt make a lick of sense, and we have no idea if hes still alive/escaped or not, and why. personally i have no fucking idea and im pretty sure it was a cop out so they could give us what we wanted. which brings to my other point:

• giving the audience what we wanted. we got loki interaction. we got loki ‘escaping’ and ‘surviving’ (????) we FINALLY got rescue, who many fans have been asking for since i think iron man 2, and even more so since The Badass That Was Pepper Potts in im3. we got morgan stark and tony and pepper married, we got jokes about steves ass, and more jokes about male characters admiring how hot other male characters are. and, most importantly, we got tony having the nice relaxing life he wanted out in his cabin in the woods with his wife and kids (even if it was a horrific way of getting there). i dont quite know how to explain it, but to me it seemed like they were shoving as many ‘fan-requests’ into the film as possible - so that when they killed off 2 of the original 6, and removed another by ageing him out of use, they could lessen the backlash and justify the changes by going ‘but you got so mych that you wanted beforehand!!’. a tactic they drenhed us with because one of those 2 was a fan favourite that people were BEGGING not to be killed off because they felt that he hadnt recieved anywhere near the peace or happiness he deserved so far - and now never will. which brings me to:

• tony’s death.

there are two parts to this.

one, i was incredibly pissed off because strange’s Big Plan, the ONLY reason he saved tony in infinity war, was so tony could use the gauntlet and kill himself anyway later. anyone in that film could have used that gauntlet - and many wouldnt have suffered fatal injuries; captain marvel, steve, t’challa, peter quill to name a few possibilities - basically, anyone who is in anyway enhanced would have had a better chance of surviving and would have therefore been the better choice; aka, half the mcu. i think it was a proximity thing; tony was closest. he had the oppertunity and the others didnt. but tony didnt know about the option of using it until strange looked at him and gave him ‘the signal.’ the signal to sacrifice himself. and of course, this is tony stark. when is he ever going to refuse that.

but reason two, and this is the one that stings the most; tony started the mcu.

in my opinion, he is the character who has put the most in during the whole ten years. he, of ALL the characters, deserves his happy ending of marrying the love of his life and having a kid, without constantly fearing that hes foing to have them ripped away from him, that hes going to have to fight to the death to keep them safe.

one of my friends, when i complained about tony dying, said; “it was his time. plus, he had a legacy! with pepper and morgan, and the iron man name. how can you be upset?”

i can be upset because tony got the happiness he wanted after losing exactly 50% of what he held dearest. i can be upset because hawkeye got his family back, but tony only got five years with his wife and less with his kid, instead of getting the oppertunity to grow old with his wife and watch his kid go to collage like clint will. i can be upset because the character that has gone through the most trauma, both physically and mentally, who spent the last ten years trying to better the world and everything in it and protect it, who got the most shit for every decision he made and who ended EVERY SINGLE FILM with a broken limb or his face littered with bruises and cuts while every other film centric character ended the film usually scrape free, didnt get his happy fucking ending. sure, he has a legacy. but i dont give a shit, because that legacy - of iron man, of morgan and pepper and stark industries - would have been there whether tony was alive to see it flourish or not. but he wont be.

this goes beyond being a ‘tony stan’ or tony being my favourite character. out of every single character, from start to finish, anthony edward stark fucking deserved a happy ending and by god he deserved it the most. i will argue that until my end of days.

i watched tony stark on screen for ten years, and i watched him get progressively more scarred and fucked up. his parents. the ten rings. losing yinsen. obie. vanko and hammer. the palladium poisoning. new york; the nuke and the wormhole. the ptsd, the panic attacks. the iron legion and retirement attempt. killian and extremis and the end of that returement attempt. wanda’s vision. jarvis being destroyed. the accords and subsequent civil war. finding out about the winter soldier and his hand in his parents death. finding out that steve knew. siberia. struggling to balence iron man and the accords. losing peter. being stranded on titan, in space for weeks.

tony in that wheelchair, shaking and rail thin and unable to stand for more than a few moments will haunt me forever.

i watched him suffer for ten years - longer, even, in-universe - clawing for his quiet, happy ending while fighting for the happy ending he thought the rest of the world deserved, and instead of getting rewarded he just got beaten down and beaten down. after ten fucking hears of watching the backbone of the entire franchise get nothing but shit piled on him until he struggled to breathe for it, excuse me for thinking he woukd finally get the chance to crawl out from under it and be happy. no strungs attatched, no awful, sacrificial price to be payed, just for a man who had given so. fucking. much. to finally get something for once, and be allowed to keep it.

well i was wrong. and i feel so incredibly fucking stupid for even hoping otherwise.

and thats what i didnt like about avengers endgame.

[tumblunni]

Ehh i think i finally summed up why all of this steven universe diamonds stuff has been so underwhelming.

YES you can redeem a villain

but you have to

actually

TRY

Yes you can write a story about the world’s most fuckin horrible person being really actually sad at heart

Yes you can write a story about an abusive parent actually being able to change

Yes you can write a story about some wild genocidal alien civilization of asshole space rocks actually only doing it because something something societal pressure DESPITE BEING THE ONES IN CHARGE WHO SET THE DAMN RULES I GUESS

But fucking hell its not gonna be EASY and you shouldn’t treat it that way.

All of this shit was SO fucking quick?? And everything else WASNT!

You spent SO long hyping up these guys you spent SO long convincing us that they WERE evil and that they had entirey different motives for what they were doing and EVEN WITHIN THIS FUCKING EPISODE you spent more time showing us White Diamond being absolutely ridiculously existentially horrifyingly awful and refusing every offer everyone gave her to help and refusing every chance and fucking fucking goddamn violating people’s entire minds and just.. fuck.

After all that you cant just fuckin have steven walk up to blue and yellow and say “hey everything you did was bad” and them go “GEE WE NEVER KNEW!” for some reason this time they’re convinced in a single sentence despite it being the same sentence steven said before in every damn episode and pink said to them years before and every person they abused and enslaved and mutilated and KILLED said while they were DYING

And you can’t fucking have white diamond never redeem herself and never change and never admit she’s wrong and steven SOLVE IT WITH FUCKING FIGHTING WHILE SAYING HE DOESNT WANT TO, WHILE THE ENTIRE SHOW TRIES TO CLAIM THE REASON THEY ARE DOING IT THIS WAY IS BECAUSE OF PACIFISM

because seriously he?? just defeated her?? and this made her?? change???

redeeming a villain shouldn’t be easy. redeeming a villain has to have the villain TRY. white diamond has done nothing to prove she really has a heart, prove that she really did all this for sympathetic reasons, prove that she’s able to change, AND ESPECIALLY NOTHING TO MAKE IT UP TO ANY OF THE PEOPLE SHE’S HURT

she just got defeated and basically admitted she’s wrong cos she has no other choice. and i guess her blushing because steven issued a SICK BURN to her is meant to be enough proof that her entire motivation so far has been because of self confidence issues forcing her to put up a false front aka her entire personality we saw so far. If you wanna tell me she’s entirely different to what we saw so far then please could you please give it more screentime than twelve goddamn seconds.

This is like how yellow and blue just suddenly were accepted as part of the family and steven agreed to go with them to homeworld literally just because they realized he “is really pink diamond”. Like they never fucking repented or actually learned to empathise with humans or ever explained why they dont empathise with humans no nope the only answer we got is that they were sad about their sister/daughter/friend dying even though they were already doing all the same evil stuff before that and its what caused her to leave in the first place. no we’re gonna just completely trust them instantly and not even continue making an effort to convince them? we’re gonna trust them so much we’re gonna trust that white diamond will also change just cos we beat her up? COS SERIOUSLY STEVEN FUCKIN DEFEATED BLUE AND YELLOW IN A FIGHT AND THATS THE END OF THEIR ARC, HOW IS THIS PROVING THE POWER OF PACIFISM!! beating everyone up and then saying the same singular sentence again and somehow now it works!! or saying “my mum was pink diamond” and it doesnt convince them but hey if we say it again with magical proof its true then i guess it works now. wow that sure does argue the power of words i guess

everything EVERYTHING they did was just a fuckin misunderstanding cos they dont UNDERSTAND they were doing bad and thus they dont have to face any form of consequences beyond being mildly embarassed i suppose.

if you wanna make that the ending then you need to work to disprove all the hours you spent implying that.. yknow.. they were doing things because they were evil

and even if theyre sympathetic they still did evil things and they still need to work to prove that theyve changed

and ESPECIALLY if you’re making a show very heavy on subjects like LGBT discrimination it shouldnt be FUCKIN WOW UNEXPECTED that the audience would see this plot as a metaphor for stuff like homophobia and abusive parents and.. yknow.. societal oppression in a law system that forces you to live in the closet in constant fear of being discovered and killed. and all the other apparantly accidental undertones of racism and extermination of indigenous people in stolen land which YOU REALLY SHOULD HAVE EXPECTED PEOPLE TO SEE WHEN THE PLOT IS LITERALLY EXTERMINATING PEOPLE TO STEAL THEIR LAND

all of that means you need to do MORE work to prove that that isnt actually what the plot is supposed to be, and more work to redeem villains who are very heavily goddamn triggering to a large part of the vunerable audience YOU SPECIFICALLY MARKETED YOURSELF TOWARDS

this was just so fucking overwhelming and somehow rushed despite being an hour long episode, and i hate it because the show spent so much effort on so much other stuff yet decided to half ass it at the really important part that NEEDED to have thought and time put into it if it was gonna nail the landing

especially after ALL THAT FUCKIN TIME AND EFFORT INTO THINGS THAT ONLY AMPED UP THE VILLAINY AND TENSION OF THESE GUYS AND MADE IT SO MUCH WORSE

like fucking hell how can you be so tone deaf??? this has been in the planning for so damn long and theyve been working on it forever and THIS is what they chose to rush over? this is the priorities they thought were important? even just within this episode if youre struggling to fit it all in then like seriously cut out some of the stuff like the montage of unseen fusion forms that did basiclaly nothing but a few jokes, and the equally as rushed bad lars and sadie romance resolution. Which is another thing that needed a lot of work to fix when the introduction we got to these two was a really unhealthy relationship and a dude who refuses to change despite being given twelve chances but suddenly changes COMPLETELY on the thirteenth one and i guess cos he died that proves he’s all good now. Except he acts all weird and creepy in the very next episode and endangers his new friends by acting all possessive over sadie again and getting angry that she has other friends????

i hate it because ive had to deal with the fandom telling all the people who were rightfully uncomfortable with how these subjects were handled that oh we’re just overreacting and oh wait and see cos they totally have a big plan for the ending or something that’ll make it all make sense. And comparing people being triggered by child abuse and racism to “huhu those dumb su criticals who hate the art style” or whatever...

god, man, its just a deflection of what the issue really is

“oh youre saying NO VILLAINS can EVER be redeemed and NOBODY can EVER talk about dark stuff in shows without being SECRETLY BAD AND SUPPORTING IT IN REAL LIFE?”

no im not saying that im just saying the subjects are fucking depressing to people who’ve suffered from the real life stuff and the villain redemption should be GOOD and should THINK ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE if it wants to make up for it

like fucking hell look at how much zuko from avatar went through before his redemption. look at how long he struggled with his morality and how long it took him to realise he was wrong. look at how much detail they showed us on all the people who negatively influenced him into making the bad choices he did. look at how much he went through to make up for what he did and apologise to everyone he hurt. look at how everyone he hurt didnt believe him at first and it took a while for everything to work out. look at how sometimes he messed up and took steps backward before getting to where he needed to be. and look at how he actually changed as a person and continued learning and growing and trying to be a good person even far into the future after the story ended.

hell, fuckin look at PERIDOT! peridot had a full goddamn zuko arc! peridot had more screentime than all of the diamonds combined, and it was way better utilized! she had a full process from being introduced as a scary villain BECAUSE OF MISUNDERSTANDING WHO SHE REALLY WAS, then being revealed as having a fully rounded personality, flaws and redeemable traits while still being a villain. and moments of her proving that she did indeed only become a villain because she didnt understand what she was doing was wrong, and a personality that matched with that reveal rather than having NO INDICATION she was like that until it suddenly happened only after she was defeated. and her redemption came slowly through friendship with steven and it had moments of the other characters not instantly trusting her and also of her making mistakes and struggling with believing steven’s philosophy when it went against everything she knew about life. and speaking of which it was established that she had a very different life which had negative influences pushing these ideas upon her, and tough stuff that made her scared and pressured. Not just being in a high position of ruling over a planet in the lap of luxury and ONLY AFTER BEING DEFEATED do we learn that they feel pressured by the societal expectation to be perfect and they actually would have agreed all along with dismantling the system but they were just too afraid to be honest. Or whatever the fuck that rushed ending was trying to go for! And man even after peridot joins the team she’s NOT redeemed yet, she’s initially only halfway doubting herself and only teaming up with steven because they’re both afraid of the cluster. And she messes up and says horrible shit to her new friends and feels the consequences of her actions and chooses to change. And her ultimate choice to switch sides is REALLY hard, she gets so close to going back to the diamonds and its a great personal sacrifice on her part when she chooses to give it all up and make an enemy of the person she was so scared of!

and GAHHH that good redemption is one in a million episodes that really set up the diamonds Being Bad and should have been a goddamn tally in the “effort required in the fuckin ending” chart!

could we not have even just had one ten minute episode of blue and yellow going around earth and experiencing human life and realizing there’s things worth protecting? or a few damn scenes foreshadowing white being actually insecure and lying to protect herself, rather than GENUINELY ABUSIVE BECAUSE SHE’S BAD?

and seriously even if you hurt people because you hate yourself YOU STILL HURT THEM

a sympathetic backstory should be a reason why they COULD be redeemed, not proof that they already are redeemed just because the backstory was stated in words and nothing else has fuckin changed.

imagine if zuko just lost one fight to aang and said “yes but my dad abused me” and aang was like “oh no now lets team up with zuko to beat up his dad” and none of the bad things zuko did were ever mentioned again and also he keeps his season 1 personality throughout the entire series

imagine if peridot fuckin.. just changed sides cos she’s funny and we like her. people wantedher to change sides as soon as she acted funny and likeable but they still made the effort to actually prove she had changed! the diamonds didnt act remotely harmless or remotely good until they just suddenly are in the very last episode.

hoo

fucking

ray

also why are we constantly just ignoring all these dark things about homeworld? like the episode with holly blue agate and the famethyst slave caste and all the creepy ways the entire place operated. i totally thought thatd.. yknow.. EVER BE REFERENCED AGAIN?? its never even mentioned that anyone even WANTS to go back and save them?? and the human zoo were outright stated to be like.. unsaveable. “oh theyve never known real human life and theyre happy in their slavery so itd be cruel to take them away from it” One off episode, forgotten about. And the creepy as fuck scenes of gems being BUILT INTO THE WALLS AND DOORS AS SECURITY SYSTEMS and the confirmation that more lapis situations are constantly going on yet somehow that singing hairbrush person doesnt get all the sympathy that she did. And steven going daww at the pebbles instead of being horrified that theyre born to work as servants and forced to live in the walls because the noblewomen dont want to look at them? and he asks them to make him a new outfit?? and theres no plot anything involving them except them puttering around in the background outfitting?? like was none of this meant to be seen as PROOF THAT THE DIAMONDS WERE EVIL and PEOPLE WHO NEEDED TO BE SAVED????

goddddd

please say they were rushed or something please say this is all the faultof being given less time than they expected please say there were other plans for other episodes we didnt see that would have given at least slightly more substance to any of this

also why wasnt this even advertised as the last episode if its the last fuckin episode

hhhh well at least obsidian was a great character design and so were the other fusions and new outfits even if they only appeared for twelve seconds. and white’s whole scary evil mind invasion stuff was really good even if it actually hurt the episode by being good, kinda

man im not even mad or anything i just feel mehh and bored and like im actually glad its over. i never wanted to feel that way about a show that used to be so good. i kinda wish the earliest episodes werent so good if the answers to all those well set up mysteries were gonna have so much less effort than the setup itself

...man i should make a whole post about all the mistaken ways i THOUGHT the show was gonna go that actually would have been way more interesting than the real answer.

i’m just super glad that my last theory was wrong cos wow that would have been the only thing worse than this ending! when white pearl first appeared before we’d actually seen white diamond, and it had all this thing that white diamond hadnt been seen in ages.. well i was worried it was setting up some sort of reverse twist where actually white pearl is bodysnatching white diamond instead of vice versa. So the whole evil empire would actually be run by a member of the slave class that its oppressing, and the diamonds/representative of the upper class would actually be poor victims all along. dear god i am so glad i got that wrong! tho im weirded out by how evil white/pink pearl looked in that first hint that she was originally pink pearl??

anyway basicallly im just so fuckin tired

[themiracleisstillwaiting]

shizaya

I love when my mutuals indulge me on my Shizaya Thirst. 

• when or if I started shipping it. Ever since I saw them on the opening and I’m not even kidding. I wish I was.

• my thoughts: Literally, almost every problem those two ever had (including some of the emotional ones) would be fixed if they could find something like a peaceful coexistence. A Truly peaceful coexistence. That could be by just being companions, snarky friends or being a couple (this last one, Im just saying, IM JUST SAYING). 

But at the same time, it just… wouldnt be them, if they didnt have passionate  feelings for each other. So much of their characers, of their actions, of their feelings, of their personality, was build because of their meeting, because of their contact with each other. This is why I cant really see them being close friends without, somehow, falling in love. Or becoming destructive/self destructive again.They’re literally incapable of being indifferent to each others very existence. Not, at least, without taking a huge toll of their energy.

• What makes me happy about them: They’re on each other’s mind all the time and thats canon. Izaya costantly mentions Shizuo when talking about his only exception on his sick, twisted love for humanity. Scratch that, Izaya mentions and talks about Shizuo all the time when nobody asks. 

 Shizuo is reminded of his own brother when he sees Izaya’s little sisters. I though that connection was odd to have with someone you hate; to be reminded of the positive bonds in your life, by remembering the ones your enemy has. At some point in the novels, on Shizuo POV, when he’s wondering about his past, in which everyone was afraid of him, he specifically remembers Izaya as the one who didnt. And then Narita immediately goes “but he was a man! no homo”.

Besides that, they complement each other. In personalities, in color palettes (I draw! Leave me alone!), in actions. They polarize each other on a perfect way inside the narrative.

• What makes me sad about them: WAHT DOESNT MAKES ME SAD ABOUT THEM, I SHIP THESE GUYS ENTIRELY TO SUFFER, IT SEEMS. 

They’re both very lonely. And its due to their own unchanging nature. And they have a very difficult relationship with bonds. Y E T they seek for bonds, each one on their own way. Izaya by rejecting them and creating his own rules about his relationship and dynamics with people. Shizuo, by accepting his loneliness while at the same time accepting he yearns for connecting with others.

They’re both very sad, deeply lonely characters and due to that I think they do understand each other on a level no other character is able to. (Shinra sees it, but from a detached point of view.)They seem to deny it and push it, though.

Obvs, at the end of the novels Shizuo gets better (but at what cost?).

They’ll never be completely happy or free until their conflict reaches an satisfiable end and I do hate the fact Narita pulled away from that at the last fucking second, after an entire, intense and ultimately useless build up.• things done in art/fic that annoys me:

- When they’re already on a stablished relationship but Shizuo is constantly brute and hurtful. So unnecessary. Especially when, on the plot, is constantly uncalled for, when Izaya has barely done anything to be an acceptable target.There’s a difference between this and being snarky, and I cant see Shizuo not being devoted and compromised with a person he’s in a relationship with. Also, because its usually justified that, despite how brute, uncaring and hurtful he acts, “Izaya knows Shizuo loves him”, which is just…. Yeeeaaah, guys, being treated like shit by somebody you do know loves you, doesnt necessarily makes things better.  The same thing for Izaya taunting Shizuo or provoking him on a distressful manner.

((Its not like I dont want conflict in their relationship, but if I start to wonder wtf those people are even doing together, then you’re not handling writing them on a “relationship”. Relationships are supposed to have nice moments once in a while.))

- When people go ~~dark and gritty~~ and cant decide if they love or hate each other, and then tropes like rape and abandonment and emotional abuse are evoked. Dont do that shit if you dont know what you’re going to do with those plot elements.

- People are usually way too afraid of going far with Izaya’s character (which is such a waste, he’s the character to go far with.), afraid of making him OOC and getting him wrong (which I kind of get it). And then they go T o o F a r with Shizuo’s one instead, making him IDK kill people, be angry with everyone 100% all the fucking time, eat 92059482 cakes, act stupid and unthoughtful, and generally being dumb or selfish, which is just… Ok, but what happened with the Silent Shizuo, who honeslty ponders over things while walking the street, and is kind with people he cares about??

 • things I look for in art/fic: Well written Smut To Be completely honest.   Its been months I havent read fics of those two but I used to read all the time. . But  I was usually up to any kind of trope as long as the author made it work.

Oh! Things around their relationship with their siblings or Raijin schoolmates. It honestly surprises me the lack of it.

• Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other:  I’m not a multishipper with Shizaya, man. Its all or nothing. Cant see them fitting well (and being honestly happy and peaceful and at ease) with anyone else.

• My happily ever after for them: So many. One in which they slowly learn how to trust each other and how to lean on each other (after, I assume, a lot of heartbreak). One in which, by loving each other and accepting each othe’s love, they learn how to love themselves, for who they happen to be. And then, they get a puppy. 

• what is their favorite non-sexual activity? Play videogames. Imagine those two playing Mario Kart, how fucking competitive wouldnt it be??   They usually end up yelling at each other, at the end. But the fun, overexcited, kind of yelling. 

Also talk, just … talking. Izaya loves to babble on, about philosophy and whatnot, but Izaya also talks about the russian literature he’s read, his favorite authors, his favorite theories, the random trivia knowledge he posses for which he has no use for (”did you know Shizu-chan, that [random useless fact about caterpillars]” “…. …. ..hmm, caterpillars are cute” “are they?? no, theyre not.” “yes, they are.”.).  Shizuo just listens. He likes listening him. Shizuo would also confide him things. Slowly and in parts. Like his feelings of loneliness, his feelings of guilt, his complicated emotions towards his brother, towards his failures, his fights, his violence. Things that make him feel awful but dont anymore. Izaya wouldnt judge, he’s done and thought worse. Izaya would know better how to put into words, talk with Shizuo about myths of monsters, of heroes. Of psychology theories. Fill the silence after every confession, knowing hes doing so and why hes doing so until he gets a laugh out of Shizuo, or leaves him at ease.

Also, maybe watching cartoon when Akane and the Twins come to visit. Izaya overanalyses them or falls asleep, no middle term. Shizuo just enjoy them and makes tea for Akane.

Eat out at the Russia Sushi. Meet up with their siblings for awkward karaoke nights (Kasuka’s idea.). 

Shizuo cooks for Izaya. Shizuo moves in cuz Izaya’s place is nicer. Izaya remodels his kitchen solely for him and Shizuo to cook more confortably. 

Shizuo makes breakfast while Izaya is asleep. He hums or sings while making tasks. Izaya loves hearing his voice from the other room. He could always tease Shizuo about it but he doesnt because he doesnt want Shizuo to stop doing it.

[philipshay]

but im not giving up im just giving in

requested by @tsk47

philkas au in which lukas doesnt kiss philip at the party in red hook

When Lukas told Philip he never lied to him, he believed him. At the time, the statement was true. At the time, Lukas didn’t lie to him.

But tonight, he did. When he told Philip he’d kiss him in front of everyone. When he made it seem like they were together, not just together, and then dropped his hand at the door. When he turned back into the Lukas that desperately wants other’s approval.

When he turned into the Lukas that is ashamed to look at the boy he claims to care about.

It isn’t that he suddenly starts ignoring him. It’s that he treats him like a friend; Philip is anything but. He doesn’t know if he could ever be friends with Lukas, not with the way he feels about him, the way Lukas claims to feel about him. But it seems that’s the parts they’re playing tonight. Friends. Just friends.

When Lukas tells him he’s going to get them more of whatever crap is in their cups, Philip takes the chance and runs with it.

He leaves. He’s had just enough that his brain is fuzzy, not enough to make it hard to walk, not enough to get him lost. He tries not to rifle through his memories as he walks, but he can’t help it; Lukas telling him he broke up with Rose, Lukas pressing a kiss to his head, Lukas making that dumb comment about Deja Vu, Lukas acting like he was going to change.

He’s tired. He’s tired of being the secret, he’s tired of being the boy Lukas hides. He’s better than that. He deserves more than that.

-

Lukas spends the rest of the night trying to get a hold of Philip, trying to figure out where he went, why he went. He only replies to tell him he walked home, and he’s fine, but he’s tired, and he’s gonna crash.

He doesn’t crash. He lays in bed and tosses and turns and wonders, for the millionth time, if loving Lukas is worth it. If their story will ever be one with a happy ending. If he’ll ever be able to hold the hand of the boy he loves in public, without him shying away.

At first, he got it. He got that Lukas was scared.

But being someone’s secret makes a person believe that the secrecy is due to them, and not the other person. Philip can’t help but wonder if there’s something wrong with him, if there’s something about him-besides the fact that he’s a boy-that keeps Lukas from telling the truth.

He told the truth about being in the cabin, about witnessing a triple homicide, but he still won’t admit that he kissed a boy, and kissed that boy again, and kissed him and kissed him and maybe even loved him.

He thinks about this all the way to school the next day. He’s exhausted, and all the worrying is making his stomach hurt. And not in the good way.

In the i feel like im gonna puke way.

He sees Lukas on his way to his locker, but ducks around the corner before Lukas sees him.

He can’t talk to him. He can’t stand there and let him pretend that they’re nothing, when, to Philip, they’re everything.

He’s able to avoid him until lunch, where he finds Lukas standing against his locker. He moves to the side as Philip approaches him, but doesn’t say anything while Philip stuffs his books inside. He seems to be waiting for Philip to speak; he looks uncomfortable. Uncomfortable in the way he used to, back when Lukas was afraid people were interpreting every exchange of looks between the two of them as what they truly were.

For the first time in a long time, it irritates him.

What’s so horrible about him that Lukas is embarrassed to even look at him?

“Where’d you go last night? You disappeared.” Lukas says when Philip shuts his locker. Philip presses his lips together, shrugging a shoulder.

“I was tired.”

“How’d you get home?”

“I walked.”

“By yourself?”

“I can take care of myself, Lukas.” Philip says. Lukas’ lips part, brows pulling together slightly. He averts his gaze, and nods.

“I know. I just-you were just gone.”

“Sorry.”

Lukas pauses, debating whether or not to say what he’s thinking. It isn’t often that Lukas filters things when Philip is around. It’s weird to see.

“Are you okay?” He asks. Philip arches his brows for a moment, nodding.

“Yeah. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? You-“

“I gotta go, Lukas.” Philip says. He pulls his bag over his shoulder, and ducks around Lukas. And he doesn’t turn back when Lukas calls his name.

-

Philip successfully avoids Lukas for the rest of the day. Instead of getting a ride home with him, he asks Helen if she’ll pick him up on her way home. She asks if things are alright with Lukas, and when Philip tells her they’re fine, it’s obvious she doesn’t believe him, but she doesn’t push. She just tells him that relationships are work, and they aren’t always fun.

He doesn’t answer Lukas’ texts that night except to tell him he doesn’t need a ride in the morning.

When he has a nightmare, he doesn’t call Lukas like usually.

Neither sleeps all that well these days, and when they wake up scared, they call each other. It’s become a habit, happening a few times a week.

Tonight, though, his phone is silent, on both their ends.

A month or two ago, Philip would be different. Maybe he’d let all of this slide. It isn’t like Lukas made a promise; it was just a comment that sounded a hell of a lot like a promise, like something Lukas was going to do.

A month ago, he would have let it go.

But his mother is dead. He’s different. He isn’t as forgiving with her gone.

He isn’t sure if that’s a good thing or not.

When he gets to school the next day, Lukas is waiting at his locker. It’s noticeably awkward when Philip reaches him; the tension in the air makes him choke.

“Hey.” Lukas says.

“Hey.” Philip says.

There is a moment of silence in which neither does so much as blink. They both seem to be waiting for the other to speak, but it doesn’t come.

“What happened? Did I do something?” Lukas asks. Philip’s lips part, and he scoffs.

“Seriously? You have no idea?”

“No. Should I?” Lukas asks. Philip shakes his head, mouth set in a hard line.

“No. Course not.” He turns to move away, but Lukas reaches out, hand on his arm. He chews on the inside of his mouth, lifting his eyes to Lukas’.

“Look, I’m not gonna be your secret anymore. Figure out what you want.” He tugs his arm free, and starts moving down the hall.

A moment later, Lukas jogs beside him, looking over at him.

“What I want?”

“Yeah. What you want. Me.”

“You? Of course I-“

Philip stops when they turn down the hall, where a bunch of students are congregated, waiting for class to start.

“Really? Because the minute anyone else is around you act like I have some disease.”

“I-“

“You said you don’t lie to me. Don’t start.” Philip says.

Lukas looks around, something like fear filling his eyes. Fear of what, Philip doesn’t quite know. Fear of being discovered, fear of losing Philip, maybe.

“Philip-“ He reaches out to touch him, but Philip backs up.

“I can’t do it anymore, Lukas. I cant.” Philip says. He’s suddenly aware of all the eyes on him, and he squirms beneath them. He turns and starts down the hall, anxious to get to class and sink into his seat in the back of the room.

But Lukas doesn’t give him the chance. Because a second after Philip starts walking, Lukas is calling his name, and god, he hates that he does it, but he stops. He always listens when Lukas calls.

“What do you want from me?” Philip asks, turning around, voice louder than it probably should be. Lukas’ lips part, and Philip is expecting him to look around, to try and dismiss the others, to take the attention off of him.

He doesn’t. Instead, he licks his lips, and says, “I should have kissed you at the party.”

Philip’s heart stops for a moment. He’s sure that he’s imagined the words; he’s convinced.

Until Lukas says it again.

“I should have kissed you. I wanted to kiss you.” He says. He steps toward Philip, a confidence Philip has never seen resting on his shoulders.

I wanted to kiss you.

He isn’t making it up; the reactions of the other students prove that he isn’t. They heard it, they all heard it.

Lukas’ cheeks are visibly flushed, but he doesn’t look ashamed. He looks nervous, a little excited, a lot free.

And that’s what makes it all better. How the weight visibly falls from Lukas’ shoulders when it’s all out in the open.

He wants to kiss Philip, and he isn’t embarrassed, he isn’t ashamed.

So Philip closes the distance between them, and kisses him. It’s a small kiss, but it’s a kiss, a kiss that says more than any words could.

It’s a kiss that tells him that it’s okay, that he forgives him.

It’s a kiss that promises more kisses. That promises more everything.

[dabubblegottarant]

qs to ask myself

1) how would you describe your relationship with your mom/dad

honestly, this question is too hard to answer in just a few sentences. I would say, they’re like ur average desi parents. so with that, I guess the answer is self-explanatory. 

2) when was the last time you cried and why

I think the last time I cried was 2 weeks ago. I felt like a piece of shit who was constantly waiting for someone knowing that they don't care about me. its something that I struggled with a lot with my most recent ‘relationship’ (if u could call it that). let’s just say that im definitely moving on and im emotionally in a better state now

3) what's your favorite/least favorite quality about yourself; why

my most favorite quality about myself is how respectful and kind I can be. I always tell myself that it will bring more good than harm as long as people don't take advantage of it. my least favorite quality is my lack of confidence. I feel like I could be doing a lot more if I had more confidence in myself. 

4) do you smile at strangers

I don't usually smile at strangers, only if they smile at me first. 

5) how often do people (not family members) tell you they love you

I would say often. when I saw my friends every day, I def felt loved and belonged.

6) how is your life different now from two years ago

ooof a lot has changed. I grew up, I'm an adult now, graduated, made new friends, lost a few old ones, fell in and out of love, accepting change, adapting to new environments, learning to be more independent. and yeah honestly trying to own up and take responsibility. 

7) would you ever cheat on someone

you know, as unfortunate as it may sound, I feel like I would. not that I ever have or think its morally ok. it's not. cheating on someone is fucking bad. but I feel like if my partner was lacking in something that I needed or wanted which I found in someone else, then I will have to heavy heartedly, tell them, “hey you were really good to me but I found someone better LOL” (ok maybe not that but u know what I mean) 

8) are you a jealous person

hmmm no. im not exactly a jealous person. I feel like if someone has something I don't have, physically or not, I would just look up to them. like I would aspire to be more like them.

9) what's the worst pickup line someone has asked you

gosh. i cant think of any right on top of my head. 

10) do you believe in ghosts

nope

11) what are your ambitions

skskkss u see thats a hard question because *ahem* define ambitions. do i have goals in life? yes. Do i have a dream? theyre not achievable but yeah. Do I know how I'm going to achieve my goals? LOL no. 

12) 3 deal breakers in a relationship

cheating (obviously), if they don’t ask for consent, and if they aren’t willing to communicate. 

13) what is one thing you’ll never do again

idk. I do learn from my mistakes even tho it takes multiple tries, but yeah I forget about them eventually. 

14) what's your most bizarre pet peeve

ok so. not really a bizarre pet peeve, but I hate loud chewers. YET I love watching food ASMR. so I contradict myself. 

15) what is your favorite memory

u see there arent any specific memories I like to label as my favorite. I live in the moment so, if a memory made me feel good, it’s added to the list. 

16) what's your zodiac sign

AqUaRiUs

17) what ‘small things’ things terrify you

im not scared of bugs if thats what u tryna imply. I am afraid of failing. IDK if thats considered a small thing but yes

18) do you like your laugh

sometimes

19) have you ever stalked someone/been stalked

I have been stalked and yeh that shit is terrifying. I think i used to stalk my middle school crush at one point lmao. 

20) do you feel loved

at this point? u know, it's hard to say, but yes. Do I know I'm loved even tho I may not feel it? Absolutely. And u know what I find fascinating, how even tho most people are scared to love or keep getting their heartbroken, they still stand up and continue to do that shit. u go guys! keep loving. 

@cafehearts imma tag u cuz I want u to do this